61 – 80 of 103 Works in Suicidal Thoughts
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Ilya googles Scott Hunter in his hotel room at night. He reads some interviews too.
Scott Hunter is an orphan. He lost his parents when he was twelve. A drunk driver killed them both.
Twelve.
Ilya’s stomach tightens into a knot. He can’t keep the memories away. They’re rising from the grave he tried to bury them in so many times. Mama.
~
Ilya, Scott, and the transformation of their relationship(s).
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 22,399
- Chapters:
- 7/7
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77845401
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Ilya lies on the ground and looks up at the stars and waits to die.
The pavement is cold.
Ilya wonders if his mother was cold when she died. He thinks maybe not, since she didn’t die in a deserted alleyway in Vancouver. But she did die at home, and maybe that was even colder.In a world where the Cold War ended but the Iron Curtain never fell, Ilya Rozanov is the most promising figure skater in Russia. At only 19, he’s an easy candidate for gold at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, one of the only times Russia allows its citizens to leave the USSR.
And then one mistake means Russia will never let him come back. Hollander won’t stop trying to talk to him, but the last thing Ilya wants to do is talk to the man who ruined his life. He might be stuck in Canada, a refugee, for the rest of his life, but that doesn’t mean he has to talk to Hollander ever again.
He wanders Vancouver aimlessly and doesn’t think about Russia, or Hollander, or the ice that can never be home again.- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 15,808
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #80382621
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"I told him to pick up milk," Shane sobbed, the sound hysterical and broken. "That’s the last thing I said to him. ‘Pick up some milk on the way home.’ I didn't say I loved him. I didn't say stay. I didn't even look him in the eye because I was frustrated with the loss. I just told him to buy fucking milk." Ilya Rozanov has always been a master of control. Of the puck, of the media, of his own jagged edges. But lately, the edges have started to blur. The "Czar" is retreating, leaving behind a house that looks like a museum and a husband who is starting to feel like a stranger. When the last of Ilya's mess is cleared away and his ring is left behind like a final period at the end of a sentence, Shane has to face the terrifying truth: Ilya doesn't think he’s leaving a hole behind, he thinks he’s cleaning one up. Kinda compliant to The Long Game, but before Ilya talks about his depression with Shane, or goes to seek help.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,700
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #80550846
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Please don't leave (I won't ever) by 17darwinism
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-03-01
“What did you actually think?” He can’t help it. He looks at Ilya. Ilya only stares at him. “I say that now, in hindsight. Back then, I wasn’t thinking. Not really. It would come to me in waves, the anxiety, the fear. Most of the time,” he says. “I was just…” “Waiting for me to speak?” Ilya offers. Shane shakes his head, “I was trying to make it to tomorrow with you alive.” or, Ilya and Shane work to find themselves, and each other, again after Ilya's suicide attempt.
- Part 2 of Please, God, I'm finally loved
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 33,429
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #80471656
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Breakaway from Yesterday by Anonymous
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-02-28
When kidnappers looking to make millions in ransom money take Shane and Ilya, only Ilya walks away. The year that follows is a hollow existence of grief and mind-numbing devastation.
Then, exactly one year later, Ilya wakes up back in the warehouse on the day of the kidnapping. It’s a surreal, unexplainable second chance. Armed with the knowledge of what will happen, Ilya fights a desperate battle to change the outcome and bring Shane home alive.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 19,343
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76615736
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When the storm is gone When we're weathered and worn When you're looking at the lighthouse on the shore Don't forget about me Don't forget the one who threw the anchor down And kept you from the sea Svetlana has complicated feelings about Ilya's new boyfriend, and how he seems to be changing Ilya's life.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 906
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #80055371
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hold your hand through plastic now by shaneshole (MuddieBuddies)
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-02-20
Male carriers are a rare breed in North America. With only .005% of the male population having the recessive gene. In Canada there are a couple hundred male pregnancies documented each year with only half of them carrying to full term. Shane Hollander was one of the .005%. He just didn't know it. or; the angsty Shane Hollander mpreg fic
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 59,243
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #75293396
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“You’re taking him to the Canteen?”
“Yeah- wait. You know it?” Shane turned to Rose with a surprised look on his face.
“He’ll like it!” Miles said, looking a bit shame-faced, like a child who hadn’t expected to be caught out.
“The Canteen, Miles.”
“He’ll have fun!” Miles insisted.
—-----------------------------
Going to a kink club with Miles may be one of the weirdest things Shane has ever done. But the evening gets even freakier when he bumps into Ilya Rozanov, his longtime rival and captain of the very team Shane was meant to be playing that night.
He's unfairly hot and incredibly irritating- but he gets under Shane's skin in a way no other dom can.
So hey, they might just find a way to make this work.
(Based on my own experiences as a domme in the London kink scene!)
Now with a playlist!- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 32,559
- Chapters:
- 6/?
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77170526
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But it’s true. David Hollander is normal about hockey. He has a life outside it. He goes to work at the Treasury. He goes on long walks. He volunteers at animal shelters. He puzzles. Well—he works on puzzles? Ilya still is not sure how the verbs work there.
The point is: David Hollander built a life outside of hockey that was fulfilling—that remains fulfilling. This, in its roundabout way, and though Ilya could never admit it, saves Ilya’s life.
-x-
or, a treatise on grief, depression, and chronic suicidality- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,078
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #79775926
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my red string of fate (is the color of his blood) by Anonymous
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-02-11
Ilya Rozanov's new life began at eighteen years old.
But his new life truly started at four hundred and thirteen years old when he met the love of his life.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 12,531
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #79329676
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In which Shane makes the headlines, Ilya has a history of terrible bedside manners, and the line between murder and manslaughter is the razor thin edge of intent.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 7,286
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #79294341
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Take me out the dark (take me home) by Anonymous
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-02-04
Ilya rounded the desk, and his heart didn’t stutter but simply stopped. For an endless second everything stilled around him. Shane had found them, his letters and his journals. And the world turned sideways slowly slipping away from Ilya’s grasp. Like someone had taken away the solid ground underneath his feet, leaving him falling indefinitely. His entire focus narrowed on the pages Shane was clasping in his hands and the shoe carton next to him.
He had always promised himself that one day he would show Shane, he would tell him about all of it. But he had never wanted it to happen like this. For Shane to just stumble across the pages that carried his darkest thoughts and simple truths of his life. Never wanted him to read those alone or ever. Because Ilya wasn’t sure he was strong enough to revisit all the open wounds he had spilled on those pages.
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Or Shane and Ilya spend some time at the cottage between Christmas and New Year’s and unravel their past once and for all.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 40,342
- Chapters:
- 4/4
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76323236
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call it what you want by Anonymous
Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Heated Rivalry (TV)
2026-01-28
When Canadian transfer student Shane Hollander joins Boston University’s Division 1 hockey team, he expects intense practices, elite competition, and the pressure to be drafted. What he doesn't expect is to be roped up into tutoring the infuriatingly talented, infamous frat boy Ilya Rozanov. Between late-night study sessions, high-stakes games, and reckless frat parties—how will either of them survive the season?
or
Frat Boy Ilya Rozanov x Nerdy Shane Hollander
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 64,738
- Chapters:
- 12/?
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76634936
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please let me die on the street where you live by Anonymous
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-24
Shane takes a hit on the ice. Is barely bruised, isn’t concussed, and is cleared to play in his next game.
Ilya spirals.
It starts to feel like the world is ending.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 18,286
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77466036
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"There’s more to mental health than just suicide, moy lyubimiy," Ilya reminded him gently. "You know this." A Tampa player's brother commits suicide, and the press are determined to get a statement from Ilya.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,300
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77907816
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today i'm empty, my love by kenhinasuga
Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Heated Rivalry (TV)
2026-01-13
Galina has warned him it wouldn’t always be that way, that love isn’t a miracle drug. Ilya would nod his way through the lecture. Yes, he’s still sad sometimes when Shane is right there, but it’s easy to forget when Shane smiles at him, holds his hand just because, tells him I love you, drops to his knees. Distractions, Galina would shake her head, disapproving and understanding at the same time. But Ilya really thought it’s enough, wanted to believe so badly that for him love does fix everything. He knows the crashes after seeing Shane are always the worst. So empty and meaningless, sadness a knife splitting him open until the void threatens to consume him, its ugly head baring teeth. Ilya’s luck has run out. Or: Ilya has a bad depressive episode when he's at the cottage with Shane.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 6,706
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77627316
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Ilya knew sadness could kill, and it could do it quietly like it took his mother. So he stayed charming, desirable, and useful. He never asked for reassurance, didn’t get needy. He would never admit he needed Shane. Right?
- Part 3 of Amiera's Hollanov
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,586
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77567096
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I was drowning (you pulled me out) by VKookies_ot7
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-12
4 times Shane kept it for himself, 1 time he didn't have to. or Shane struggles 4 times and 1 time Ilya is here to help.
- Part 1 of Hollanov
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,025
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77579576
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Toska (frozen tears) by Birds On a Concrete Wall (AmetistLex)
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-11
New Year holidays and wishes haven't been the same since he became twelve, but Ilya wanted to try and recreate that faint feeling he craved with Shane this year. He freed his schedule, bought decorations for the cottage and planned the activities for their short holiday, even fresh snow just fell from the sky — but today things turned out the way they did. Ilya could tell Shane felt guilty, so he reassured him it was okay to go and manage his career. It was. It still is. Ilya is the one who is not okay. * He shouldn't be feeling this way, but somehow, Ilya feels more fragile than a colorful bauble on a tree.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,213
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77505926
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Bad depression day for Ilya. "Ilya just stares into the air -he doesn't know when he opened his eyes-, his face looks empty, lifeless like someone stole all the emotions from it."
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,163
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77451061