141 – 160 of 330 Works in Crack Treated Seriously

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  1. Sock @ilyarozanovssocks
    Mate, I can guarantee that absolutely no one would be lucky to have you.

    Lily @shanehollandersrealgf
    Ah, and Rozanov is better than me?

    Sock @ilyarozanovssocks
    Obviously.

    Or: Ilya wants to thirst and brag about his boyfriend in public, so he finds a way to do so.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    11,716
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83919746
  2. “Can’t hang out tonight, Hayd. I have plans.”

    “Bullshit,” Hayden responds. “You never have plans.”

    Objectively, this used to be true. Nowadays Shane has many, many plans, between his nightly plans to look at Ilya’s penis through Skype and his various long-term plans laid out helpfully in his notebook, Canva (For Ilya’s sake. He is a visual learner), and more recently, Excel. Shane loves that excel sheet. He’s colour coded it.

     

    In 2017, Shane Hollander spirals and proposes to his boyfriend of 4 days (or 7 years, or 9 years, or not his boyfriend at all, depending on how you look at it), which leads to a lot of plans, weird theories in the Montreal Voyageur locker room, some Twitter drama, and Ilya Rozanov entering his WAG era.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    118,812
    Chapters:
    8/8
    Files:
    3 versions
    AO3:
    #81029476
  3. Bood
    what have you given her before?

    Ilya
    A fucking, mostly

    Bood
    CHEAP
    CHEAP GIFT GIVER

    Ilya enlists Bood & the Ottawa WAGs to help brainstorm ideas for his first proper Valentine’s Day with ‘Jane’.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    41,287
    Chapters:
    6/6
    Files:
    3 versions
    AO3:
    #82084946
  4. Ilya still loves a terrible decision. Nearly ten years of exposure to Shane just mean that now, the terrible decision comes with a plan. This time it comes with bullet pointed lists, research. Fresh ideas scribbled late at night and stuck, one over the other, onto the fridge door.

    This crucial, terrible decision comes with deliberation and forethought and a twelve-step fucking plan.

    A plan that starts with ‘attend every game he can between the women’s league’s rivals-turned-wives Clara and Katya’ and ends with ‘kiss Shane on the mouth at center ice.’

    Because Icarus has nothing on Ilya fucking Rozanov. The internet is not ready. Yuna is going to have his head for this. Step one begins on Friday. He cannot fucking wait.

    --

    Half Ilya Rozanov POV and half social media fic tracking the chaos, managed and otherwise, that is unleashed as Ilya enacts his plan.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,896
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83798931
  5. “Got someone special waiting for you?”

    Shane’s breath hitches and he looks up, big, brown orbs settling on the person behind the camera. There’s a blush crawling across his freckles, his voice unsteady as he answers.

    “I wanted to celebrate with Lily, but she isn’t here.”

    The video ends shortly after, and the internet collectively loses its mind. Within minutes #FindLily is trending across all social media platforms, women from across the globe begging Shane to dump her ass.

    OR on the night that Shane wins the cup for a second year in a row, the internet learns of Lily and goes absolutely nuts.
    Inevitably, so does Ilya Rozanov.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    14,663
    Chapters:
    3/3
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #82999881
  6. In which
    1. Carter Vaughn remembers a conversation from Sochi and creates a group chat.
    2. Shane Hollander says far too much for his liking.
    3. Scott Hunter would like to unread several messages.
    4. Ilya Rozanov makes a brief appearance.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,164
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83789281
  7. June 2016

    Shane hefts the Stanley Cup over his head for a second time, a numb joy settling over him.

    The partners and families of the Voyageurs flood down to the ice in a rush. His parents have come down, visibly proud.

    And yet this year, it somehow feels a little worse, because Ilya wasn't next to them, cheering in a HOLLANDER jersey.

    After coming out as friends and revealing the figure skating rivalry in their families, Shane and Ilya must face the challenges of the coming years, while Yuuri and Yuri face dilemmas of their own...

    In which I ask the question: What if Shane and Ilya went to the Quebec Nordiques?

    A direct sequel to brátishka, featuring social media, texting, emails, and a whole lot of canon divergence.

    Extras start in Chapter 14!

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    60,000
    Chapters:
    14/14
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #82889321
  8. The trials and tribulations of Luca Haas, Hollanov Truther and RPF Warrior.

    He just knows that Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa to be closer to Shane Hollander, and that when Roz disappears, it's to drive to Montreal and fuck nasty with Hollander. Unfortunately, he can't exactly share his conspiracy theory in the Centaurs team chat when they start speculating about where Rozanov disappears to during his free time.

    Initially based on this tumblr post

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    14,007
    Chapters:
    4/4
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #82905216
  9. HARRIS: Triple B?

    CAITLIN: Boring

    CASSIE: Bummer

    LISA: BIG FAT ASS

    More Real Housewives shenanigans

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,969
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83634301
  10. Plain Jane by

    Heated Rivalry (TV)
    • E
    • ✓

    2026-04-23

    Ilya feels many things at the very idea of his relationship with Shane being called boring. Do not get Ilya wrong; he loves boring. Boring Shane Hollander with his weak backhand, pretty freckles, and a blush that covers his entire chest when he cries after Ilya makes him cum for a fourth time that night.

    But boring sex life? With his Jane? He settles on being mortally offended and scowls at his laughing teammates.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    4,982
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83414956
  11. Life-Sized by

    Heated Rivalry (TV)
    • T

    2026-04-23

    Ilya does not plan to warn Shane because as much as this is about providing a weird, but thoughtful, gesture, he is also doing this to mess with Shane.

    No heads up, just a box showing up at his door addressed to Jane [NoLastName] from Lily <3.

    Ilya waits, follows his routine and Shane's calendar, and tries not to give anything away. The date of delivery was listed as five days after purchase, but Ilya gets a text three days after that sends him into a fit of giggles.

    My Jane: What the hell is this?
     

    or a 5+1 crack fic

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    9,993
    Chapters:
    3/4
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83321426
  12. Shane: You know, believe it or not, eating women out actually wasn't my favorite pastime Ilya: Sure. Shane: Ilya. I’m GAY Ilya: Not too gay to eat lots of pussy In which the women Shane has slept with share their experiences on social media, Shane and Ilya both react totally normally, and Hayden would like some clarity on his best friend's sex life A sequel to "ten out of ten"

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    12,353
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    3 versions
    AO3:
    #83557496
  13. HELP

    FUCK SOMEONE ANYONE PLEASE
    ADVICE I BEG OF YOU

    Connors: JESUS CHRIST MAN I'M HERE IM HERE

    Connors: IS ROZY DEAD WTF

    Connors: PLEASE TELL ME HE'S NOT DEAD

    no. im in the closet

    CarMinion: my dude. i love that for you

    CarMinion: and i support you, totally, but

    CarMinion: does your girlfriend know about this

    not like that

    literally

    i am in a janitorial closet in the hotel bar in tampa bay

    Hammersmith: im almost afraid to ask why

    bc they're together

    hollanov

    and they're like, talking

    at the bar

    roz is wearign the ugliest shirt ever

    its bright red hawaiian print

    and hollander clearly has no standards, bc he's eyefucking him anyways

    in which: the boston bears do their best at Operation: Hollanov in tampa bay, janitorial closets are involved, and there is a guest appearance.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,953
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83619056
  14. When David invites Ilya to game night with his old college teammates, Ilya expects poker. Instead, he finds a lineup of board games he doesn’t yet know, five old friends who still argue about things from thirty years ago, and increasingly interesting revelations about the Hollanders.

    Or, David Hollander tries to fix Ilya’s daddy issues one board game at a time.

    Or, the author tries their best to fit board game recommendations, an obsession with David Hollander and a love of writing Ilya Rozanov into one fic.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    9,651
    Chapters:
    2/?
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #81916826
  15. 90 mins ago, he was on the ice about to play Ilya and kick his ass. 85 mins ago, he was outed on national television because his dramatic boyfriend couldn’t handle seeing concealer on his freckles.

    No homophobia in my fic, sorry, everyone will be nice because Shane and Ilya deserve nice things.

    Takes place 2017-2018 ish, Ilya is still in Boston, and they have been dating for a year or so. Kind of AU. Let's pretend Rose was a year earlier.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,515
    Chapters:
    5/5
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #79817651
  16. Would I Lie to You? by

    Heated Rivalry (TV)
    • T
    • ✓

    2026-04-20

    “Shane,” Ilya said slowly, putting his phone in his pocket as he walked into their home gym to find Shane running on the treadmill. “Do you mean to tell me that the years of you doing ‘just a little promo’ has actually been you tormenting David Mitchell with your apparently not incredibly boring life? And you never thought to mention it once?”

    “Huh?” Shane called, slowing the treadmill to a walk to glance over his shoulder at where Ilya was stood. “What do you mean?”

    “I mean there are lots of tweets here about you on these shows and you seem to be giving all of them aneurysms?” Ilya said, pulling his phone back out and opening up twitter to show Shane.

    //

    Or; Shane Hollander is far more famous than the Hockey world ever realised

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    30,421
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83479646
  17. Ali @shanehollanderfanpage24
    Troy Barrett stalker confirmed. Dallas Kent call the police lmao #Kerrett

    Or: people on hockey Twitter start shipping Troy Barrett and Dallas Kent.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    9,645
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83487751
  18. Ali @shanehollanderfanpage24
    Can we PLEASE!! cancel Ilya Rozanov already, that man is the most bigoted guy in the whole fucking sport (AND REMEMBER WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HOCKEY HERE, BIGOTED SPORT NR1!!!). I am SO TIRED of people acting like that guy would be some kind of Gay ally???

    Or: everyone on ice hockey twitter somehow convinces themselves that Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander are homophobic (and also best friends).

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    5,653
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83417566
  19. freezer breezer
    WAIT
    IF MONTREAL JANE IS SHANE HOLLANDER

    king los
    pls don't have whatever revelation you're gonna have and inflict on all of us

    freezer breezer
    THE TEXTS !!!!

    OR: There are just over three weeks in between their beloved captain getting outed and the day the Boston rookies can finally meet their new stepmom. A lot can happen in three weeks.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,961
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #83088911
  20. Shane and Ilya work at Crowell and Associates Marketing Firm. They have never worked together because their work styles are completely incompatible. A project forces them to spend more time together and explore whether or not they can actually get along.

    OR

    Ilya is a little shit just because he wants Shane's attention, what happens when he finally gets it?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    32,110
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #81718116
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