21 – 39 of 39 Works in Heavy Angst

  • Heavy Angst ×
  1. At age 46, Ilya Rozanov, retired former Captain and star forward of the Ottawa Centaurs, six time Stanley Cup Winner, and widely regarded as one of the most talented hockey players of all time, is diagnosed with dementia.

    Five years later, the legacy he leaves behind is beautiful.

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    AO3:
    #77906231
  2. Ilya opened one of his messages. Have you seen the news? Ilya, call me. Now. Please tell me you already fucking know. Jesus Christ, man. That was it. No context. No explanation. Just panic wrapped in vague bullshit. His jaw locked. “Are you fucking serious right now,” he muttered, thumb scrolling harder than necessary. Say it or don’t, you assholes. The half-answers made his skin crawl. It felt like they were all circling something awful, whispering around it, waiting for him to step close enough to get hit. His chest felt tight now, pressure building, so he did the one thing that made sense. He opened social media. Shane Hollander’s name was everywhere. Or Shane was hurt in ways everyone could see, and in ways only Ilya would carry.

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    AO3:
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  3. When Hayden Pike’s mother is diagnosed with dementia, the last person he expects to understand is Ilya Rozanov. Grief has a way of finding common ground.

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    AO3:
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  4. It's hard when you're living / and you don't feel much / and you're down and you're hoping / that things are gonna change Apathy wasn’t quite the word for it; it was something much deeper than apathy was. It was like a numbness, like a void had taken root in Ilya’s heart and swallowed him whole. He wasn’t even moving on autopilot– no, he was incredibly aware of his every movement, every decision, every thought. It was inertia, pure and simple, that kept Ilya moving. There was no outside force to stop his motion, not when his brain was this empty, so he simply kept gliding along, wondering when the feeling would come back. If the feeling would come back.

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    AO3:
    #77757766
  5. They call it a Lucid Interval. A brief moment of clarity after a traumatic brain injury where the patient appears fine. Awake. Alert. Happy.

    After the hit, Shane Hollander wakes up. He jokes with the nurses. He smiles at Ilya. He makes plans for the summer.

    Ilya Rozanov just outed himself to the entire world on live television to save him, but he can't save him from this. Shane isn't getting better. He is dying. And these are the last conversations they will ever have.

    A story about the hit, the confession, and the long, slow silence that followed.

    They weren't saying goodbye to each other; Ilya was too confident that Shane would win.

    Shane loved winning.

    He lost, the first lost that Ilya didn't enjoy.

    Because he only left Ilya to suffer more.

    (finished, all done)

    Language:
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    Words:
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    Chapters:
    5/?
    Files:
    2 versions
    AO3:
    #77633871
  6. Ilya knew sadness could kill, and it could do it quietly like it took his mother. So he stayed charming, desirable, and useful. He never asked for reassurance, didn’t get needy. He would never admit he needed Shane. Right?

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    AO3:
    #77567096
  7. Shane and Ilya broke up. It was the adult, mature decision they made together and moved on from. Except Shane is still Ilya's emergency contact and Ilya's coach just called.

    Ilya had a seizure. Well, seizures. Multiple. He is in the hospital, in the operation block and suddenly Shane is met with the possibility that last words Ilya Rozanov ever heard from him were "Maybe love isn't enough."

    And then complications occur. And Ilya is not waking up.

    ***

    They’d sat on a perfectly ordinary Wednesday afternoon in their perfectly ordinary kitchen, with coffee that had gone cold on the table between them, and calmly dismantled the life they’d built together. One sentence at a time.

    “Maybe we need space.” “Maybe we’re just hurting each other.” “Maybe love isn’t enough.”

    He wants to go back and shove that version of himself against the wall. Shake him until his teeth rattle.

    Love is the only thing that matters when someone is under general anaesthesia and a stranger is touching their brain, Shane thinks wildly. Love is literally the only currency worth anything in a room like this.

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    Files:
    2 versions
    AO3:
    #77494676
  8. “Because I can’t fucking do this, Ilya. I’m going to my parents’, I- I need a break, alright? Shit.” Shane’s gaze locked onto his keys and he picked them up, stalking towards the door. He needed a break from the arguing and he needed to go somewhere he could breathe and collect his thoughts, so he could process this correctly and talk about it with Ilya civilly. Everything was still suffocating and overwhelming and Shane needed out, needed to go sit in his car and drive in silence to his parents’ place. - Ilya had seen enough breakups to know what one looked like. Shane ignored him, and looked irritated, and said he couldn’t do this (this, like everything between them could be reduced to a single word other than love), and said he needed a break (his confidence in Ilya’s English was comforting up until Ilya realised it meant Shane didn’t feel the need to say the dramatic I’m breaking up with you that characterised the ends of relationships). or, hollanov fight and misunderstandings resulting in an injury ensue

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    2 versions
    AO3:
    #77355746
  9. Shane put God on a back burner sometime between the ages of eleven and twelve. It was around that time that he barely stepped foot off the ice. His dad would joke that he was born with skates on, while his mother cursed out a grown man for a bad play. God, religion, faith came second to the rush of adrenaline as he flew on the ice.

    It takes seventeen years and the love of his life being dead for twenty-eight minutes to relearn how to pray.

    -

    Or, Shane's game is cancelled and he reads Ilya's would have been last messages in a tiny hotel room with JJ and Hayden at his side.

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    AO3:
    #77359391
  10. Shane Hollander is young, fit and healthy, he works out, he plays hockey, he eats a ridiculously healthy diet. Shane Hollander dies on the ice at age 30. - Shane’s body is cold. Ilya’s heart is cold.

    Language:
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    AO3:
    #77287056
  11. After the news of Rose and Shane breaks, he receives a wedding invitation for Ilya and Svetlana's wedding and tries to be fine. He's very much not fine.

    Language:
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    Files:
    1
    AO3:
    #77253181
  12. Ilya and Shane are roommates in college. They both try to pretend it doesn’t mean anything when Ilya comes home to Shane randomly nesting in his bed after a few months of barely speaking, but when Shane presents as an omega, they can no longer deny their connection.

    Language:
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    AO3:
    #77128916
  13. Ilya Rozanov has been carrying his mother's ghost since he was twelve years old. Sochi is where the weight finally breaks him. Russia is eliminated in the most humiliating loss in their history, and their captain sits on a twelfth-floor balcony railing thinking about letting go. Shane Hollander has a gold medal game in fourteen hours. He comes anyway.

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    AO3:
    #77026136
  14. A bottle of pills lies discarded on the floor, empty. Shane’s body is splayed over his side of the bed like a ragdoll, his arm hanging off the side in a cruel caricature of how Ilya had found his mother all those years ago. Ilya isn’t sure what noise he is making. He doesn’t care. His body feels like it’s being ripped apart. The pain is akin to being skinned alive. or: Ilya comes home to his worst nightmare.

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    AO3:
    #76881051
  15. PS: Prompt is related to the events of The Long Game, so there will be spoilers for the plot of that book! _______ After Shane and Ilya are outed in the events of The Long Game, Montréal and Ottawa play seven games against each other in the Eastern Conference. The Centaurs still love their captain, of course. The Voyageurs, however, are not so united. _______ A.K.A - Five times Shane’s team was an asshole to him, the one time Ilya got to do something about it, and the obvious humiliation ritual that is the Centaurs playing a game against a post-Hollander era Voyageurs.

    Language:
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    Chapters:
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    Files:
    3 versions
    AO3:
    #76353296
  16. Ilya had grown up in a world where affection was currency, measured and withdrawn at will. Where love was earned through achievement, and failure was repaid with absence. Every triumph was a plea. Every mistake, a debt. Ilya had learned early that tenderness could not be trusted. And Shane, for all his easy warmth, had no idea what to do with that kind of wound. His first instinct was to fix it. To tell Ilya that he was loved, that he was safe, that he didn’t have to be afraid. He learned soon enough that words meant nothing to someone who’d been punished by them all his life.

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    AO3:
    #75950631
  17. Shane has a little surprise for Ilya following their ceremony. *This takes place directly after the ceremony, when Ilya and Shane go inside to fill out paperwork in Chapter 39.*

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    AO3:
    #75887416
  18. Shane shuts down. Ilya handles it about as well as you’d expect.

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    Files:
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    AO3:
    #75352056
  19. What if Shane hadn't gotten hit by Cliff in Heated Rivalry? What if he'd gone over to Ilya's that night, when Ilya planned to break up with him?

    Language:
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    Words:
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    AO3:
    #59615482
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