81 – 100 of 105 Works in Suicidal Thoughts
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Bad depression day for Ilya. "Ilya just stares into the air -he doesn't know when he opened his eyes-, his face looks empty, lifeless like someone stole all the emotions from it."
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,163
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77451061
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i love you, ya tebya lyublyu, je t'aime by moonlightdances
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-09
“Because I can’t fucking do this, Ilya. I’m going to my parents’, I- I need a break, alright? Shit.” Shane’s gaze locked onto his keys and he picked them up, stalking towards the door. He needed a break from the arguing and he needed to go somewhere he could breathe and collect his thoughts, so he could process this correctly and talk about it with Ilya civilly. Everything was still suffocating and overwhelming and Shane needed out, needed to go sit in his car and drive in silence to his parents’ place. - Ilya had seen enough breakups to know what one looked like. Shane ignored him, and looked irritated, and said he couldn’t do this (this, like everything between them could be reduced to a single word other than love), and said he needed a break (his confidence in Ilya’s English was comforting up until Ilya realised it meant Shane didn’t feel the need to say the dramatic I’m breaking up with you that characterised the ends of relationships). or, hollanov fight and misunderstandings resulting in an injury ensue
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 10,163
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #77355746
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what the hell are you? by andmynewlymeltedheart
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-09
Ilya remembers the last time those hands touched him.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,623
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77392611
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i pray this love changes me (this grief will) by Sapphic_terror
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-09
Shane put God on a back burner sometime between the ages of eleven and twelve. It was around that time that he barely stepped foot off the ice. His dad would joke that he was born with skates on, while his mother cursed out a grown man for a bad play. God, religion, faith came second to the rush of adrenaline as he flew on the ice. It takes seventeen years and the love of his life being dead for twenty-eight minutes to relearn how to pray. - Or, Shane's game is cancelled and he reads Ilya's would have been last messages in a tiny hotel room with JJ and Hayden at his side.
- Part 2 of found family *hockey edition
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,220
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #77359391
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The bitter cold by TheQueenoftheAbyss
Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Heated Rivalry (TV)
2026-01-08
Shane Hollander is young, fit and healthy, he works out, he plays hockey, he eats a ridiculously healthy diet. Shane Hollander dies on the ice at age 30. - Shane’s body is cold. Ilya’s heart is cold.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,828
- Chapters:
- 3/3
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77287056
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for richer or poorer by Anonymous
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-06
There was a twitter post. A video. The caption said #pissgate. The video started playing automatically, and Ilya saw the nondescript white tile of the Metros locker room, and then the camera peered around a corner, and there he was. There Shane was. It played just long enough for Ilya to hear himself—say it—and Shane—piss on me. please—before his phone fell from his nerveless fingers and shattered on the concrete.
- Part 1 of #pissgate
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 14,828
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #77179151
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You are the most important thing in my life. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough. Plane crash reversal where it’s Shane on the plane instead of Ilya
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,109
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77108856
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i hope you're gonna get out soon by feeling_the_aster33
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-05
Set after The Cottage except Ilya has another season with Boston before his free agency. When they played each other for the first time that season Shane was excited, but Ilya didn't share the sentiment. There was something wrong with him, he was chirping more than usual and checking a lot harder than necessary. Shane wished they could just talk, but Ilya wasn't in the mood. Things escalated in a way neither of them ever thought they would. Or: In all the years of their rivalry, Ilya and Shane have never fought on the ice before. At least, not before tonight.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,119
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77159471
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“That he doesn’t need to be coddled and watched 24/7 just because he tried to take his own life. He has to show that he isn’t fucking crazy.”
- Part 2 of Irina Rozanova haunts the narrative
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,774
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76985031
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i'd share a life (and you'd share a life) by feeling_the_aster33
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-03
Set in The Long Game. What if Shane was the one on the plane? And what if Ilya was on the bus with his team when Shane texted him? Based on a Tweet (link in notes)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 3,183
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76994601
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know it's for the better / no, it's for the better by selfishambition
Heated Rivalry (TV)
2026-01-03
Ilya Rozanov has been carrying his mother's ghost since he was twelve years old. Sochi is where the weight finally breaks him. Russia is eliminated in the most humiliating loss in their history, and their captain sits on a twelfth-floor balcony railing thinking about letting go. Shane Hollander has a gold medal game in fourteen hours. He comes anyway.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 11,371
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #77026136
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The Weight of the Quiet by DamnSterek
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2026-01-02
WARNING: the Long Game spoilers WARNING: Depression and (passive) suicidal themes Ilya navigates grief, isolation, and the weight of holding himself together, until he learns to let himself be supported when he can’t hold everything together alone.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,878
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76900701
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Ilya Rozanov is not okay, and he’s been hiding it for too long. One night in May changes everything and Shane is forced to face the cost of loving someone who is hurting. Luckily Hayden and his mom help him along the way. Or Ilya Rozanov tries to kill himself
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,924
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76830531
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“I don’t need to see a doctor. I am fine. You’re worrying for nothing. Let’s just go to sleep.” Go to sleep? Shane huffs, Ilya thought it was fine. It didn’t matter if he was in pain or danger? They should just move on? As if. “It’s not nothing. I’m worried about your health. Which you don’t seem to care about! Tell me one reason that I shouldn’t be worried!” “Because I didn’t take them.” “What?” “I threw the bottles away when you left. Happy?” Or, Ilya doesn’t keep pills in his house and Shane finds out why.
- Part 2 of ⟡ sad Ilya ⟡
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,161
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76687061
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shed some light, shed some light on me please by smittenstar
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2025-12-28
Something's up with Ilya and he's doing his best to hide it. A concussion makes it all come crumbling down on him. AKA, the Ilya depression & insomnia fic, because the Long Game wasn't nearly angsty enough for me.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 10,374
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76316536
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During the 'easier' episodes Ilya can manage. Usually he can gather enough strength to get out of bed, even if it's just to slouch around the cottage or outside. He'll eat whatever Shane puts in front of him. He'll put on a brave face when Yuna and Dave come over to visit. And then when the evening rolls around he's so exhausted he falls asleep around eight. The 'heavy' episodes are harder. Ilya will spend most of the day sleeping. He will eat small bites of whatever Shane gives him, sometimes nothing at all. Showering is out of the question. If it's a particular bad episode, he won't even leave the bed. Shane is scared to leave Ilya alone during the 'heavy' episodes. He knows Ilya wouldn't hurt himself on purpose. But he also knows that depression is very complex and sneaks up on their victims when they're most vulnerable. Or, Ilya experiences a bad depression episode. Shane is there to catch him when he falls.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 4,671
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76613736
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tipping point by ultravioletdaydream
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2025-12-27
Shane said he would be home by midnight. Ilya only had to hold on for a couple more hours. He thought, fleetingly, that he wasn't sure how the day had spiraled so enormously out of his control. One goddamn day alone and he was at the edge of the abyss. Everything hurt. Or: Ilya navigates the expanse of his mental illness over the course of one bad day.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,557
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76516991
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Sound of sirens, rush of pain (I almost thought I heard you call my name) by 17darwinism
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2025-12-26
"He imagined Shane would be similarly unforgiving if Ilya took his own life. Not that Ilya ever would. Unless he couldn’t help it." (The Long Game) or, Two years after being diagnosed with depression, Ilya wants to commit suicide.
- Part 1 of Please, God, I'm finally loved
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 10,846
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #76443546
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All I Do is Stay Winning by Ragazza_Guasto
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2025-12-25
“Can you believe it? How the hell did he end up bagging her?” Ilya stared, brain not comprehending what his body already seemed to, that Hollander was dating- “Rose fuckin’ Landry! How does the lamest guy in the League-” He knew that smile. He thought it was for him, just for him. But it wasn't. “No,” he whispered. His stomach spasmed. “You good, Roz?” Why would he- How could he- They were holding hands… “Rozanov? What the fuck?” He jumped up from the table and stumbled for the front door, just barely making it through before the first mass of petals came up. He heaved as he ran, trying desperately to get away from the pavement, somewhere he could hide what was happening. Unfortunately, his teammates had followed, because of course they would. He saw a photo of Shane Hollander holding hands with a movie star and promptly threw up. Who wouldn't be curious?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,144
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #76385356
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you know this moment, don’t you? (time is strangely calm now) by barnes_romzanov
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
2025-12-25
It’s dark, and Ilya’s not quite sure where he is. His entire body is numb. His shoes are soaking wet from trudging lazily through the snow. His nose is running, and his lips are chapped. Selfishly, he wishes Shane would fuss over him now. Pull him close, whisper “I forgive you” even though he shouldn’t, because Ilya would never change, because something inside him- in his family line, in his soul- was broken. Ilya wondered how long ago it had clicked- when Shane had realized that Ilya wormed his way into this country and tricked the Hollanders into caring for him, then returned the favor by botching their language and leaving a trail of mess in his wake. He still can't help but wonder if that will be part of his punishment- being doomed to miss him in death, too. or: Ilya’s mostly been able to cope with the fact that he’ll never be able to articulate himself fully in this country- but he’s also never been good at talking about feelings in the first place. "I'm tired" is the best he's got. It definitely doesn't capture what's going on in his head, and Shane can't read minds.
- Part 1 of Merry Christmas, Please Don't Call
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 15,440
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 3 versions
- AO3:
- #76389551