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  1. The scream that rips its way out of Shane’s chest is feral, inhuman. A wretched, mournful wail being torn from his body by the bony hands of grief. He collapses to his knees and sobs, anguish pouring out of him like a tidal wave. Suddenly there are arms around him, but they’re not the right ones. Not Ilya. Or, Ilya’s plane goes down.

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  2. “Loving you - being loved by you - has made me feel brave,” Shane says, like it isn’t the most important thing anyone has ever said to Ilya. He feels like he is floating. Ilya’s chest is warm and fuzzy, and he is so overcome with affection and happiness, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t think there’s enough room in his chest for all the love that he is feeling right now - for his husband, for the life they have built together, for the future they have fought for.

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  3. “How’s your head, baby?” Shane asks, his voice soft and steady despite the lingering fear. “I have never had any complaints.” “Jesus Christ,” Shane sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb. He’s smiling behind his hand, though. The relief in his body is still a palpable thing.

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  4. Shane is the steady ground he stands upon, the hand that guides him, the very air that he breathes. They’re so entwined now, that Ilya is certain he would cease to exist if ever they were separated. It’s maybe becoming a problem. Or, 5 times Ilya and Shane try (and fail) not to be codependent, and 1 time they just give into it.

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  5. Ilya was glowing, and wild, and so bright he was almost blinding. Beautiful, Shane had known, even back then, when he was still too young to know much of anything at all. Ilya Rozanov belongs to the summer, and the summer belongs to them. (Or, two childhood best friends spend a summer by the lake, before the rest of their lives begin.)

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  6. “Listen, Ilya is-“ Shane doesn’t hear anything else. The crowd around them dissolves into white noise. He wants to smack Ilya’s name out of Sasha’s mouth. “Mine,” Shane snaps, finishing Sasha’s sentence for him. “Ilya is mine.”

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  7. Ilya knows that no one loves the same version of a person; his Shane is different to Yuna’s Shane, who is different to David’s Shane, who is different to J.J., or Rose, or Hayden’s Shane. And while Ilya knows he’d fall in love with every single version, he’s happy he gets this one. Happy he gets the Shane who lets himself be trusting, and vulnerable, and honest. It makes Ilya wish he could have loved Shane earlier - makes him wish he could have known him longer. But he’s just glad he gets to do it now, here, like this. (Or, four times people are surprised by Shane’s clinginess, and one time they completely expect it.)

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  8. “We are in hell, surely,” Ilya complains, sweat beading at his temples as he flops down on the couch beside Shane. “Why is it so hot? Is this what we get for having gay sex?” Shane fixes him with an unamused stare. “Because it’s barely 10am, and it’s already 34 degrees outside. Oh, and the AC is broken.” “I am going to kill myself.”

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  9. “You can go, y’know, if you want-“ “Ah, no. I do not want to,” Ilya interrupts. “Stay at home with my very sexy husband who is wearing his glasses, or go out to a club filled with people who are not you? The answer is very simple, Shane.” Shane rolls his eyes again, but he’s smiling as he saunters towards Ilya.

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  10. Ilya has always known Shane could do better than him. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that he’s finally found it. Found someone else. Because that’s what this is, isn’t it?

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  11. Shane thinks this is probably the first - and last - time in his life that he’s ever been excited about grocery shopping. But it’s their first time doing it together, as a couple, out in public where other people can see them. Where, finally, they don’t have to pretend to be something they’re not. It’s such a small thing - insignificant to most people, probably - but it’s a luxury Shane never thought he would be allowed to have.

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  12. Ilya knows it’s a bad idea. Of course it is. But everything he’s ever done in regards to Shane Hollander has been a bad idea. So he sends the text, even though they’re playing against each other in just a few hours. Even though it’s reckless, and it’s breaking all their rules. Even though he’s supposed to be rebuilding the distance that Tampa tore down, instead of letting it shrink even further. But he just can’t seem to help himself.

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  13. Ilya had told Shane to leave because they needed space - they needed some room to catch their breath so they could talk about things properly. So they could say sorry and fix the mess they had made. But one day apart stretched into two, into three, into a week, and suddenly Shane was on the other end of the phone, saying, ”Maybe this isn’t going to work, Ilya.” At least Ilya is good at that part; he’s an expert in being left behind. (Or, Ilya and Shane breakup. Then the Centaurs’ plane almost crashes.)

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  14. Ilya knew, right from the very moment he met Shane Hollander, that he would never be good enough for him. He’d seemed so…pristine, when they first met. Untouched. And Ilya knew his unclean hands would only dirty him up. He’s always been selfish, though; his father used to tell him that. So it’s no surprise, really, that Shane has finally gotten tired of it. Of him, always needing more from Shane than he deserves - always begging for more than he has earned. Ilya would leave himself, too, if he could. (Or, five time Ilya thought Shane would leave, and one time he knew he wasn’t going anywhere.)

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  15. “Good,” Shane says, when he finally finds his voice. “Because I’m selfish.” Ilya laughs. “You are not selfish, sweetheart.” “I am when it comes to you,” he confesses, pulling back so he can look Ilya in the eyes. “I feel like a kid who doesn’t want to share his favourite toy.”

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  16. “You are my friend, Hayden, but he is the man I am going to spend to rest of my life with - he is the man that I love. I will choose him over you, every fucking time.” Over anything and everything, Shane would choose Ilya. Even over hockey, if it came to that. There’s no doubt in his mind, no question about it. Losing hockey would hurt, and Shane would grieve it, but it wouldn’t kill him. It would be an ache he could live with. Losing Ilya is not something that Shane could ever survive. They’re so tangled together - so intertwined - that to lose Ilya would be to lose himself.

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  17. “We’re just, well-“ Choui hedges, then glances round as if he’s looking for back up. “We’re worried that you’re a bit too controlling,” Hayes blurts out. “Of Rozanov.” Shane opens his mouth to respond, but he closes it again when he realises he has no fucking idea what to say. He’s - what?

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  18. “What were you doing?” “Oh.” A sweet flush colours Shane’s freckled cheeks, and his fingers twitch where they’re still resting on Ilya’s back. “I was just tracing your moles.” Ilya is going to die. His heart is actually going to give out on him because of this sweet, perfect man who he loves more than he knows what to do with. Who he loves more than anything in this entire world.

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  19. “Am I too boring for you?” He doesn’t mean to ask. Doesn’t mean for those words to come out. They fall from his lips before he has a chance to stop them, and the second they’re out there he wants to take them back. He wants to swallow them down so they can’t hurt anyone but himself. Because Ilya…Ilya flinches. “What.”

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  20. He wasn’t ready for this. Maybe he never would have been, not in two, or five, or ten years. Maybe he would have spent the rest of his life holding this secret inside, not telling a single soul about the way his heart beats for his biggest rival. Or maybe, in a year or ten or once he’s retired, he might have come out publicly. Might have shared his truth with the world. But that was supposed to be his choice. To tell or not to tell, to hide in the shade or step out into the sunshine. It was supposed to be his decision, and now it’s been taken from him.

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    AO3:
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