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why is it so hard to exist without you? by alexiscgrt
Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types
2026-10-19
Ilya left for a three-day trip with his friend Svetlana. When he comes home he expects his boyfriend Shane to greet him, but instead he finds him crying in bed. Ilya stepped inside their shared house after three days away. It shouldn’t have felt like such a long time, as three days wasn’t all that much, but now that he and Shane were officially boyfriends, every time one of them left the house, it felt like an eternity before they returned. Ilya fully expected Shane to come running up to him, as he always did. But he didn’t. In fact, the house was completely still. The kitchen was quiet, and there wasn’t a sound coming from the living room, either. “Shane, I’m home.” No response. He kicked off his shoes, dropped his bags by the door, and immediately went looking for his boyfriend. He checked every room in the house until he reached the last one: their shared bedroom upstairs. The door creaked as Ilya pushed it open. Shane was lying in bed, and Ilya immediately felt a wave of relief wash over him. At least he was there. But then he noticed that Shane wasn’t sleeping, as he’d initially thought. Instead, he was quietly sobbing into his pillow. Ilya froze for a moment before slowly approaching the bed and sitting down beside him. He gently cupped Shane’s face in his hand. “Hey… hey, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. Shane buried his face deeper into the pillow, his body trembling with each sob. “Baby…” Ilya whispered, genuine concern evident in his voice. At that, Shane took a shaky breath and slowly turned his head over his shoulder. “You’re back,” he murmured. Something inside Ilya shattered. He gently turned Shane onto his back and leaned over him, his gaze fixed on his boyfriend’s tear-streaked face. Seeing Shane like this, so overwhelmed by something Ilya didn’t yet understand, made his chest ache in a way he couldn’t put into words. Without another thought, Ilya pressed his lips firmly against Shane’s, pouring all the worry and relief he’d been holding inside into the kiss. Shane’s fingers began to tangle in Ilya’s curls as an attempt to pull him even closer, even though there wasn’t any space between them now. Ilya pulled away after a while, just enough to look at him, his hand resting against Shane’s cheek. “Baby, talk to me. What happened?” Shane shook his head, his eyes squeezing shut as another tear slipped down his cheek. “Nothing.” “Nothing?” Ilya repeated softly, brushing the tear away with his thumb. “You’re crying, sweetheart.” “I know.” “Then tell me why.” “I don’t know.” The answer came out so quietly that Ilya almost didn’t hear it. For a moment, he simply looked at him. Shane seemed just as frustrated with himself as Ilya was worried about him, his brows drawn together and his lips pressed into a thin line as he tried to get his breathing under control. “Okay,” Ilya murmured, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. “Okay, that’s fine. You don’t have to know.” Shane reached for him almost immediately, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and pulling him closer. Ilya let himself be pulled down until their chests were pressed together. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, one hand settling at the back of his head, and waited. For a while, neither of them said anything. Then Shane whispered, “I missed you.” A small, almost disbelieving smile tugged at Ilya’s lips. “I missed you, too, malysh.” “No, but” Shane stopped. Ilya felt him take a shaky breath against his neck. “I don’t think you understand.” “Then help me understand.” “I tried.” Shane’s voice cracked. “I tried to be normal about it.” Ilya’s smile faded. “What do you mean?” “It was only three days. I knew it was only three days. You told me when you were coming back, and I knew you were coming back, and I kept telling myself that.” Shane swallowed hard, his fingers tightening around Ilya’s shirt. “But the house was so quiet.” Ilya closed his eyes briefly. “Oh, sweetheart.” “And everything felt wrong.”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 1,657
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #95026321
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he turns off the big light by Anonymous
Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Heated Rivalry (TV)
2026-03-31
Ilya knows firsthand that the world isn’t comfortable. It’s loud, bright, demanding, a harsh place in direct opposition to everything he’s recently learned about autism.
Is it so wrong that he wants Shane to feel safe here? To carve out a space where, even if only for a few hours, he doesn’t have to grin and bear anything? He can just be?
Or: Ilya Rozanov has a lot of good ideas. Telling his fuck buddy that he should consider getting an autism diagnosis isn’t one of them.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 9,094
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #82179171
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Shane bombards Ilya with random facts until one question changes everything: "Do you know what a kiss feels like?”
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 2,053
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77763561
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Because Ilya knew how Shane liked to be treated, and the Shane Hollander who dropped like a fucking rock from being denied in a filthy bathroom, even after begging for it with half the hockey world outside, would love dirty talk. Honestly, fuck his father, fuck homophobia, fuck English, and fuck his shitty brain from keeping them from having what Ilya was sure would be the best fucking sex of their lives. At the cottage, Ilya lets the most terrifying confession of his life slip when he tells Shane he loves him. On the bright side, now that Ilya's no longer afraid of blurting out his feelings during sex, this obviously meant he could step up his dirty talk beyond foreplay and muttered directions. But when Shane takes one of Ilya's commands literally and shuts down, they have to learn what they never had the safety to indulge in before this: honesty not only in how they fit together but what they choose to share.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 5,156
- Chapters:
- 2/2
- Files:
- 1
- AO3:
- #77061701
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Ilya doesn’t even realize when Arthur slips from his thoughts. There’s no sharp turn, no clear moment where the article stops being about a little boy who loves reptiles and starts being about the man lying beside him in bed. It just… happens. The way his mind always seems to find Shane eventually, like water finding its lowest point. — a character study on shane’s undiagnosed autism
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 8,630
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #76752371
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While they are at the cottage, Ilya gets his hands on Shane's phone a few times. Ilya enjoys it a lot, to Shane's dismay, that he gets to refer to himself as Shane's lover via text messages.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 13,017
- Chapters:
- 24/24
- Files:
- 2 versions
- AO3:
- #76544096