Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Paul Baker/Shane Hollander

Characters:

Rose Landry, Yuna Hollander, David Hollander, Paul Baker (Adults)

Additional Tags:

Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fake Dating, Sharing a Bed, There Was Only One Bed, bringing your fake boyfriend to your family reunion, Bottom Shane Hollander, Top Ilya Rozanov, Masturbation, Additional Tags to Be Added, Gay Sex, Good Friend Rose Landry, Humour, Romantic Comedy, No Miscommunication, healed Shane Hollander, Retired From Hockey Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov Is Not a Hockey Player, Teacher Ilya Rozanov, Edging, practice sex, Because of course! Why not? Practice sex makes sense!, No Angst, Hollanov Endgame, ONLY HOLLANOV SMUT DONT YOU WORRY, holy shit what is Paul Baker doing here, you don’t need to watch Adults for this fic to make sense he’s just a character, no adults spoilers, Service Top Ilya Rozanov, Dirty Talk

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-08-20 Completed: 2026-09-15 Words: 29,959 Chapters: 9/9

The Whole Package

Summary

Retired hockey player Shane has been lying to his mom about having a boyfriend, but now he’s agreed to take said boyfriend to the family reunion.

Ilya Rozanov is Shane’s friendly neighbour. Maybe he can help!

“Okay, so this is my plan: I re-download Tinder and make a profile that has one photo of me, with the caption ‘I need a fake boyfriend for my family reunion. I will pay you $30,000 and cover travel.’ That’ll work, right?”

Or: The smutty fake dating fic with no miscommunication! They said it couldn’t be done, but I have done it.

Notes

Chapter 1

Chapter Summary

Here we go!

Chapter Notes

Shane leaves the house every morning at exactly 8:00am. He gets a coffee at Martha’s and then walks fourteen minutes to the MLH Montreal Metros’ head office. He’s a strategy consultant, his hockey star glory days now years behind him. 

Retiring from playing hockey at 28 had never been part of Shane’s painstakingly-marked-out life plan, but then again, neither had being gay. 

The league had been—well, outwardly neutral, if unexcited about him coming out. Some team members had been decidedly less outwardly neutral, and the fans had been… toxic. It had been fine for a while, but eventually it had all worn a bit thin. 

Hockey had been everything to Shane, for his whole life. He’d loved the sport and dedicated his whole life to playing the sport. But although the reactions from teammates and fans had left a sour taste in his mouth, Shane had soldiered on for a few more years, hoping that maybe things would turn around. 

One night, while visiting Scott Hunter’s bar in New York, Shane had run into Ryan Price, who had quietly come out as gay after retiring, and found himself spilling his woes over his third drink. 

“Look, Shane, you don’t have to listen, but let me give you a couple of pieces of advice: firstly, get therapy. What you’re going through is traumatic. Getting help can’t hurt, and it can help. And secondly—and this is going to be the hard one to swallow—” Ryan had leaned in over his drink—“if playing hockey’s not giving you what you want any more, you should genuinely consider leaving it behind. You did what you came to do; you won four Cups. You’re a legend. They’ll hang your number in the rafters. Just tell them that knee of yours is done and wave goodbye. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep hockey warm. Hockey was fine before we got here, and it’ll be fine long after we’re gone.”

That conversation with Ryan had been a real lightbulb moment for Shane. He’d found a therapist who specialised in sports psychology, a lesbian retired varsity softball player with a little rainbow sticker on her door, and after quite a lot of serious introspection, Shane decided that Ryan was right. Playing hockey was no longer bringing him joy like it used to. 

Retiring had been hard, but at the end of the day, it had been the right thing to do. 

So Shane had traded his hockey stick for a MacBook Pro, and now spends his days geeking out with other hockey nerds for sweet cash money, working for the Metros behind the scenes. People respect his opinion, and he lives a quiet life. 

Shane goes to work, he gets dinner with Hayden, Jackie and their four kids, he goes out for dinner with J.J., he sees his ex Rose once a month. He’s made some new friends, too. After retiring from playing hockey, he’d happened to meet a cool group of people at his local bar who were having a board game and cards night, and they’d invited him to start coming along to their meetups. 

Luckily for Shane, none of these people pay attention to sports, and so they have no clue that he used to be a superstar. To them, he’s just plain old Shane. A couple of the members of the board game club are also queer, so Shane has been able to learn a little bit about queer culture from them. Despite their insistence, Shane still has never joined them to go out to a gay bar. A big loud bar with tonnes of people isn’t really something Shane is interested in, and after so many years of being a professional people-pleaser, he’s found he’s no longer interested in doing things that won’t bring him joy. Board games and dinners are plenty of socialising for him.

Other than that, Shane spends his time listening to podcasts, going to the gym, and managing his very large portfolio of rental properties. While plenty of other hockey players had blown their cash on fancy cars and big mansions, Shane had put his money into real estate. Truthfully, he doesn’t even have to work, but he’d probably go crazy if he didn’t have his job as part of his routine. 

So yeah, Shane is kind of a boring guy, by some people’s estimation, but his life is peaceful and easy, and his small group of friends keeps him happy. 

A couple of years ago, a few of them had taken him out for a lovely dinner for his thirtieth birthday, just to a local Italian joint. Rose, despite being a mega superstar actor, had come along, and brought a cake she’d had custom made to look like Shane as a blueberry. Shane’s board game friends had been absolutely floored to meet “the Rose Landry, holy fuck!” in the flesh, but still hadn’t pieced together Shane’s celebrity past, and everyone had chatted and laughed over drinks.

When everyone had sung ‘Happy Birthday’ and Shane had gone to blow out his candles, he almost hadn’t been able to think of a wish. He’d had everything he wanted. 

Except. 

Except Shane is painfully, painfully single. Chronically single. Morbidly single, even. 

Something about going out and meeting strangers had always made Shane feel sort of sick to his stomach, and he’d tried the apps a few years ago—Grindr, oh god—but that had just resulted in a handful of hookups and nothing more. His own friends have tried to introduce him to their queer friends, but the small handful of blind dates haven’t ever really led to anything.  

So, blowing out the candles for his thirtieth birthday, Shane had silently wished for a boyfriend. But now, two years later, that wish still hadn’t come true. 

Shane’s neighbour from across the hall also leaves the house at exactly 8:00am every single day, so they tend to share the lift down.  

The neighbour is around Shane’s height, with light blue eyes and ashy blond curls. He usually carries a couple of tote bags of what look to be art supplies and always gives Shane a friendly nod. 

“Hi,” Shane had said one day. Probably a good idea to be friendly. 

“Hi,” the neighbour had said, in what seemed to be a Russian or Eastern European accent. Then he had given Shane a small nod back and pointed to his earbuds. 

The next day, they’d exchanged another round of mutual ‘hi’s, and so it had gone for a couple weeks. 

“Hi, neighbour,” Shane had said one day as they both reached to press the lift button. 

“Ilya.” Ilya extended his hand. 

“Shane,” Shane had reached out and they’d shaken hands. 

“You work near here?” Ilya had asked. 

“Not far, I walk to work.” 

“I drive,” Ilya had said. “I’m a primary school teacher.” 

“Cool.” 

The next day, Shane was greeted again at the lifts. “Hi, Shane.” 

“Hi, Ilya. Looks windy out there.” 

“Mm. Yes. Nice jacket.” Ilya replied and gestured at what Shane was wearing. 

Shane had looked down at his own long navy trench coat. It was a nice coat, thanks to his relationships with old designer clothing sponsors from years gone by. They tended to send him clothes for free, still, maybe hoping he’d do another shoot for them one day. Shane wasn’t really one for fashion, but even he knew enough to know Burberry was very nice. 

Then again, this was his fourth new coat in two years. He looked across at Ilya’s very faded denim jacket. 

“Actually, I’ve, uh, got an extra one I don’t wear. We’re probably the same size. Do you want it? For free, of course.”

“Really?” Ilya’s eyes seemed to sparkle. 

“Yeah, it’s just sitting in my wardrobe taking up space.” Shane did his best to give Ilya a relaxed smile. Hayden had told him in the past that his random generosity could sometimes be off-putting or weird. 

Ilya grinned at Shane. 

“I would be glad to take it off your hands.” 

So now, when the weather is cold, Shane and Ilya meet at the lifts in their almost-matching Burberry jackets and share a little bit of small talk. They aren’t friends or anything, but it’s a nice addition to Shane’s routine. 

A knock at the door jolts Shane from where he has been meditating on the rug in his lounge.

“Just a second!” he calls out, heading to the door.

Opening the door, Ilya stands there with a plate. 

“Here, I made muffins for my class, but we had so many left over. Do you want some?” 

“Oh! That’s so kind of you. Yeah, I’d love some, thanks Ilya.” 

Shane wonders if maybe Ilya is trying to even the score from when he’d given him the jacket, but he had very clearly told Ilya it was free, so maybe Ilya was just being a good neighbour. 

“Well, see you at 8am,” Ilya says cheerfully after Shane takes a few muffins. 

“Yep! Same time, same place.”  

A few days later, Shane’s washer explodes and water starts pouring out of the machine and flowing into his lounge. Then, the washer starts smoking, and Shane has to open all his windows to get the burning plastic smell out. 

Buying a new washing machine is not really a problem, but it seems like the fittings might be damaged too, so he’s going to have to get a plumber in. Fucking life admin, oh joy. 

So Shane lugs his soggy clothes and sheets down to the basement of the apartment complex, where there are a whole bunch of ancient coin-operated washers and dryers.  

“Hi, Shane,” comes Ilya’s cheery voice. “I never see you down here.” 

Shane groans. 

“My pipes exploded or something, and all my stuff in the washer was mid-cycle.” 

He walks up to one of the washers and hopes he doesn’t look like a fucking idiot as he loads his clothes in and looks for (hopefully) easy-to-follow instructions. 

“Oh, so annoying. Do you need a plumber?” Ilya asks.

“I’ve rung them, yeah. Meant to be hearing from them soon. What I actually need is some coins, actually. Nuts, I didn’t bring my wallet.” 

Ilya shakes his head. 

“You need a special card for the laundry service now,” he says. “They’ve changed them. The coin slots are for looks only. You can use mine. Here.” 

Ilya hoists himself up so he’s sitting on the metal bench running down the middle of the laundry room and hands Shane his card. 

“Thanks. I owe you.” Shane takes the card and starts the machine. 

“It’s, like, five dollars. Don’t worry about it, neighbour," Ilya smiles. 

Shane’s phone vibrates, and he checks his text then huffs. 

“Damn. Plumber can only do in the morning tomorrow and I have to go into the office for a meeting. Fuck.” 

“On a Saturday?” Ilya asks, sounding almost concerned. 

“Afraid so,” Shane rubs his hands up and down his thighs a couple of times. “Damn. The next day he can do is a Tuesday, which, of course, I'll also need to be at work on.” 

“I’m home tomorrow,” Ilya shrugs. “Give me a key, I can let him in.” 

“Really? You’d do that?” 

“You gave me a very nice jacket, I do not think me letting your plumber in is a very big favour. It’s not a problem.” 

“But I already told you, the jacket was free, look, it’s fine—”

“Let me do it, come on. I’m home tomorrow anyways. This is what neighbours do, yes?” 

“Sure, okay. Thanks, Ilya.” 

“You have phone? Give.” Ilya holds his hand out. 

Shane unlocks his phone and hands it to Ilya, and Ilya taps away, and then takes a selfie. 

“I have sent a text to myself.” 

Shane looks at the new contact he’s created. “Ilya Rozanov,” Shane says out loud, then he pauses. 

“What is your last name?” Ilya asks, looking at his own phone. 

Time to get it over with. 

“I’m Shane Hollander.” 

Ilya freezes from where he’s clearly tapping away to save Shane’s contact details and slowly looks up to stare at Shane. 

“Shane Hollander!”

“Shh!” Shane hisses. 

“Oh my god! I knew you look familiar! I knew it! I was going crazy wondering where I knew you from! Shane Hollander! My neighbour is Shane Hollander! I remember seeing the articles when you came out, and—”

Shane glances around as though someone is going to pop up from behind a stack of laundry baskets.

“Keep it down. I like to keep a low profile, and I don’t like to bring my work home with me. Please.” 

Ilya pretends to lock his lips. 

“Secret is safe with me. Boston was my home team before I moved to Canada a few years ago, but you were—” Ilya gestures a chef's kiss, “—amazing to watch.”

“That’s the old me, I’m afraid,” Shane shrugs. “I’m just a consultant these days and I’m just, like, a normal dude now, okay?” 

“Got it. Normal dude. Normal dude with broken pipes, and I have your phone number. I will open the door for the plumber tomorrow.” 

“He said he’ll be here around eight thirty,” Shane says, checking his text again. “Is that fine?” 

Ilya shakes his head. 

“I am afraid early plumber’s calls are not part of the normal neighbour package, you will need to upgrade for premium service.”  

Shane’s shoulders slump. “Oh. Sorry, yeah, well. I’ll—”

“It is a joke! Relax, Shane Hollander. Eight thirty is fine. I will be back from the gym.” 

“Ah, you got me,” Shane smiles. “And just Shane, please.” 

“Okay, Just Shane.” Ilya smiles back. 

“I’ll drop the extra key around to your place after dinner.” 

Due to the fact that Shane just isn’t having a lot of sex, his jerk-off setup is pretty elaborate. To be honest, a lot of the sex Shane has had has been lacklustre. Sure, the odd sexual partner has made it really good for him, but for the most part, it’s kind of been a bit… well, meh. 

But jerking off is not meh. Shane has jerking off down to an art; that way, even if he’s only having sex with himself, it’s guaranteed to be really good every time. 

That night, he shakes out his waterproof sex blanket and spreads it over the bed, sets out his prostate massager, a dildo, and a Fleshlight, as well as a bottle of lube. He likes to have options available. 

Shane has a lot of sex toys. Once upon a time, he’d only had a lonely dildo. Now, he has a whole array of butt plugs, prostate massagers, cock rings and dildos. Better to be prepared. 

Before he begins, Shane sets the timer on his watch for twenty minutes. 

As a self-imposed rule, Shane plays a game with himself: under no circumstances is he allowed to come before the twenty-minute mark. If he gets too close too fast, he’ll edge himself. He’s found, after years of doing this, that making himself wait is the best way to increase the chances of a really strong orgasm. 

Shane lies back on the bed and starts by taking a few deep breaths, and then gently rubs his hole. He’s feeling horny, so hopefully tonight will be a good one. 

After getting comfortable, Shane eases the prostate massager inside himself, clicks the button on the base and the little machine whirrs to life. He then warms up some lube in his palm and starts by carefully jerking just his tip. 

Shane’s brain flits through his normal list of fantasies. He can’t do his high school crush again; it’s been three nights in a row. Maybe Big Dick Mike from the gym? (He’s seen it once in the showers, but he’ll never forget), or maybe he could think about the porn star he’s been following recently, or—

Oh! What about Ilya, the hot neighbour? 

Shane’s dick gives a promising twitch, so he continues to imagine. Now that Ilya has the spare key, technically, he could burst in at any moment. Maybe he’d walk in and catch Shane jerking off. Maybe he’d offer to help? 

Shane imagines Ilya climbing onto the bed and rubbing his stubble against Shane’s cheek. 

“Yeah, touch yourself,” he imagines Ilya saying. 

Shane jerks himself faster, imagining obeying Ilya’s instructions. He uses his other hand to press the button on the base of the prostate massager to turn it up. 

Fuck, it’s feeling really good already. 

Shane imagines Ilya stripping off, what would his body be like? Probably a strong chest. Would he have chest hair? Shane decides ‘yes’, for the sake of getting off. 

“Yeah, Shane, faster,” Fantasy Ilya says to Shane. 

“I can’t,” Shane whimpers out loud, “or I’ll come.” 

“But you still have so long to wait, don’t you?” Fantasy Ilya teases. 

Shane rotates his wrist to check his countdown. Fuck, he has fourteen minutes to go. 

“You will be good and wait for me, won’t you?” Fantasy Ilya says. 

“Yeah, yeah I will,” Shane whispers. “I’ll hold it. Fuck, it feels so good.” 

Shane squeezes his eyes shut and stops touching himself for a moment as he imagines Ilya getting undressed and then climbing on top of his body. His prostate massager is still humming away, and he imagines it’s Ilya’s fingers inside him, getting him ready to be fucked into the mattress. 

“Fuck, please,” Shane whispers into the empty room. 

Shane barely touches himself as the minutes tick down, for fear of accidentally coming too fast and losing the game he’s only playing with himself. But with one minute to go, Shane starts stroking himself faster. 

Even with the most fine tuned jerk-off setup in the world, Shane still misses being fucked, and being fucked hard. Imagining what it would feel like to be split open on Ilya’s dick gets Shane close immediately. 

“Come on, Shane,” Shane imagines Ilya saying. “You feel so good, want to feel you coming, are you going to be a good boy and come for me?” 

“Oh, fuck,” Shane gasps. His watch vibrates to let him know time is up, so Shane clenches his jaw, bears down on the toy in his ass and shoots his load all over his chest. 

Ilya Rozanov [9:23am]

The plumber has left, and I am done looking through all your things. Does everyone else know you’re a pervert or is this also a secret? 

Shane Hollander [9:23am] 

YOU WHAT 

Shane Hollander [9:23am] 

IM NOT A PERVERT 

Ilya Rozanov [9:25am] 

It’s a joke again 🤠

Shane Hollander [9:25am] 

Phew haha okay thanks I’m still stuck in meetings. Let me get you a drink later as a thanks. Bar across the road, Stripey Tiger, 7pm? 

Ilya Rozanov [9:26am] 

Sounds good! 

Chapter End Notes

Welcome to my new WIP. As I have done with other long stories, all these end notes will be deleted when the fic is completed. Thank you for following along! Remember to click subscribe, leave kudos, and write me a comment.

I’m writing this fic as a way to channel my obsession with these hockey boys into something productive and creative. It turns out scrolling endlessly on social media isn’t good for me (????) so I have decided that this will be my new hobby, YAY! I have written a whole bunch of one shots recently, but I finally got the itch to do another long fic. Strap in, everyone!

The biggest thanks to Pikelet and Chocolate Freckle (my beta team), as well as all my friends that have put up with me brainstorming in DMs.

Special shout-out to Em (my real life friend) who let me talk AT HER for over an hour as I gave her the play-by-play of the whole plot of the story. Love you!

I wanted to write a fake dating fic, but I can’t for the life of me write miscommunication, so you’re getting all this instead.

Please note that this will not be a serious fic. There will be a surprise character cameo that will show up down the line, and I will update the tags. Trust the process, please look closely at the tags (Shane Hollander / Other Male Character) in the meantime!

Updates will be around 1-2 times a week. I have pre-written quite a bit, so watch this space!

Stay classy, stay sexy!

edit: ‘did ilya look through shane’s apartment?’ well! he said he didn’t! thats the only answer i have. schrödinger’s apartment.

find me on tumblr

Chapter 2

Chapter Summary

Previously, on The Whole Package:
We met ex-professional hockey player Shane, and we also met his cute neighbour Ilya! Ilya let the plumber in, so as a thanks, Shane has said he’ll buy him a drink.

THIS TIME: THE FAKE DATING PLOT OFFICIALLY KICKS OFF! I had to build the universe and set the scene, thanks for your patience.

PLEASE check the end notes for a surprise!!!

Chapter Notes

“Cheers,” Ilya raises his glass and Shane’s glass meets his halfway across the little table in the shared booth down the back of the Stripey Tiger. 

“Cheers,” Shane takes a sip. “I really needed this drink, by the way.” 

Ilya pauses. 

“You do look a little bit stressed. Hard day at the office?” 

Shane groans. 

“No. Far worse than the office. It’s my mom nagging me to death, and the situation I’ve gotten myself into with her.” 

“You want to talk about it?” Ilya asks. 

Shane shakes his head. 

“Not yet. Maybe after another drink. Thanks again for your help this morning with the plumber.” 

“Like I said, it’s nothing,” Ilya shrugs. “I’ve always wanted to snoop through a stranger’s home.” He gives Shane a cheeky grin and Shane rolls his eyes. 

“Har-har, good joke, Ilya.” 

“Especially an ex-MLH player’s home,” Ilya adds and then sips his drink. “I know it might not mean anything coming from me, maybe, but what you did, and what Scott Hunter did, that was brave. It meant a lot for people like me.” 

“People like you?” Shane also takes a sip of his drink and then leans against the slippery red cushion in the booth. 

“I’m bisexual,” Ilya says, “and it was so nice to see queer representation in ice hockey.” 

“That’s cool. That’s super cool, I mean, uh, thanks for telling me. Sorry, I’m not used to people coming out to me,” 

“It’s fine,” Ilya gives Shane a smile. 

 “So, cheers, I guess?”

Shane raises his glass and they cheers again, but then Shane sighs.

“People were terrible, though, when I came out, which is why I quit. I think the league is trying to change a little, but at the end of the day, I had to put myself first.” 

“I know what that is like. It is why I will never go back to Russia,” 

“That sucks about Russia,” Shane frowns. 

“Mother Russia’s loss.” Ilya sips more of his beer and leans forward to rest his forearms on the table. “So it was all getting… too much?” 

“The pressure was insane. I never used to drink, or eat carbs, or sugar, or anything, and I worked out constantly. It got to a point where my whole life was about keeping other people happy, but… I wasn’t happy.” 

“And you are now? Happy?” 

Shane pauses to consider. “Yeah, I’d say so. Happy enough.” 

They talk for a little longer, Ilya telling Shane he teaches fourth grade, and Shane sharing that he’s stressing about what new model of washer to buy. Eventually, they’ve both finished their beers. 

“I’ll get us another round of drinks,” Ilya says as he stands up. “I still want to know what you’re stressed about.” 

Shane chuckles. “I guess now I know you’re bisexual, you might actually be able to help me think through my conundrum.” 

“Really? Wow. This is going to be good. Stay right there.” 

Ilya heads for the bar and comes back with two more beers. 

“So, your mysterious conundrum. Tell me.” 

Shane rubs his neck nervously. 

“Try not to judge, okay?” 

Ilya puts his hand on his heart. 

“I promise to try.”

Shane fiddles with the label on his beer bottle, picking at the corner. 

“I’ve never had a boyfriend. I had girlfriends when I was in the closet, but, well, I’m gay, so—”

“Not a long-term relationship then,” Ilya supplies. 

“Yeah. When I played, my mom was my manager, and she kind of got a little bit overbearing. Now that I’ve quit, she can still be a lot. Anyways, a few months ago, she was nagging me about settling down and finding a boyfriend, again, and—well, I lied and told her I had a boyfriend, just to shut her up.” 

Ilya raises his eyebrows. 

“So you’ve been lying to your mother? That’s the stress?”

Shane shakes his head. 

“It gets worse. She told all my extended family. My dad is literally one of twelve siblings, and we have a family reunion coming up, and Mom absolutely will not hear of me not bringing along my imaginary boyfriend. She keeps asking me if I’ve checked that he’s available on that date, about dietary requirements, about giving him enough notice, the whole bit." 

“Oh wow,” Ilya grins at Shane. “How long have you been going out with your mystery man?” 

“Eight months, they think,” Shane takes a big swig of his drink. 

Ilya seems to have been holding in a laugh, and he finally breaks. “Oh no! Eight months is serious! You can’t even ghost the guy after eight months!”

“Stop laughing!” Shane groans. 

“So, what are you going to do? You want my help to find a boyfriend last-minute?” 

Shane takes a deep breath.

“Okay, so this is my plan: I re-download Tinder and make a profile that has one photo of me, with the caption ‘I need a fake boyfriend for my family reunion. I will pay you $30,000 and cover travel.’ That’ll work, right?” 

Ilya’s jaw drops. He half-laughs, presses his fingers to his eyelids, lets out the other half of the laugh and then purses his lips. Shane’s not always great with facial expressions, but he’s pretty sure these ones mean ‘What the actual fuck’. 

“No, Shane, you cannot do this.” 

“Really? I thought it was kind of genius.”

Ilya shakes his head. 

“You are going to get so many creeps! How will you vet them? Is this what you want me to help with, hold job interviews with scammers and perverts? And thirty thousand dollars? Are you crazy? What if someone screenshots your profile and you go viral?” 

“The money isn’t a problem, I was just gonna Google them, and I hadn’t thought about the whole screenshot issue. Fuck,” Shane admits sheepishly. 

“When is the reunion?" Ilya asks. 

“Eleven days away,” Shane stares into his glass of beer, feeling Ilya’s this-man-is-nuts gaze burning on his skin. “I know, I know. I’ve been putting it off. I’m screwed, aren't I?” 

“You know, I’d do it for twenty grand,” Ilya says confidently. “I am a school teacher, so you already know my police check is clean, and you know where I live. Plus, I’m bi and I’m single, we can kiss in front of your family and be all cosy to sell the story. No problem.” 

“Really?” Shane can barely believe his ears. “Are you fucking with me? You’d do that? My family is really intense, Ilya. It’s Thursday to Monday, and you’d need to take time off to—”

“Twenty grand is a lot of money, Shane, I will gladly take a few days off. I promise it is not a problem. But are you sure you want to continue with the fake boyfriend lie?” 

Shane nods. 

“I just can’t have my mom breathing down my neck about finding someone. Trust me, this is easier. Wait, do you think you could play the part convincingly?"

“I did theatre at high school, and I help with the school play. I have actually never had a boyfriend before either, but I don’t think it will be hard to fake. I’m sure I could do it. The real question here is how the fuck does Shane Hollander not have a boyfriend?” 

“You sound like my mom,” Shane grumbles. “Are you about to tell me I’m ‘a nice young man’ as well?” 

“You are a nice young man,” Ilya insists. “You don’t use the apps? There are special ones for famous people, right?” 

Shane groans dramatically. 

“I hate the apps. I think I might be allergic. There’s nothing worse than having to make small talk with a stranger, and I kind of hate going out. I guess I was hoping I’d just meet someone through friends, but so far, that hasn’t happened. Also, when people realise I used to play for the MLH, they can get weird. And no, I am not on and never will be on Raya.” 

“He hates the apps, but was still going to make himself a thirty grand catfish-bait on them,” Ilya sighs and glances heavenward, then crosses his arms. “Okay. Shane. I will be your date to the family reunion, but you should put yourself out there more after. You are an attractive, generous, clever guy, and the right person is out there for you.” 

“Thanks,” Shane blushes a little. “Okay, and twenty grand? You know I’d be happy with thirty, so we could do twenty-five, or—”

“You are so bad at negotiating,” Ilya takes a breath and closes his eyes. “Come on. Twenty is plenty. You will cover the other expenses, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

“So, it is a good deal. Trust me. I don’t want my neighbour being murdered by a weirdo from the internet. Who would press the lift button for me?” 

“Okay, good point,” 

“I think this will be fun,” Ilya says with a gleam in his eye. “And I get to go on my first paid business trip!” 

“I don’t know about fun. I think it might actually be a nightmare. But thanks for agreeing to come along for the ride.”

When they finish up their drinks and head home, Shane lingers as Ilya unlocks his own apartment door. 

“Feel free to say no,” Shane says nervously, “but if we’re going to fake date, I’m wondering if we could test out the chemistry, and maybe kiss?” 

Ilya gives Shane a big smile. “That’s a great idea! Like, now?” 

“Sure, why not.” 

Shane moves closer to Ilya, and they lock eyes for a moment. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Ilya almost whispers. 

Ilya’s left arm trails up the side of Shane’s body until it reaches the back of his neck. He leans in slowly so their noses are mere millimetres apart, and then gently presses their lips together. 

Shane kisses him back, and his mouth opens slightly. Ilya’s hand moves up to the back of Shane’s head to hold his hair. Ilya’s tongue darts out, and Shane opens his mouth to let Ilya in. They kiss for no more than ten seconds, but when they pull away, Shane’s heart is hammering and he can feel his cheeks are all hot. 

“Okay?” Ilya asks, sounding a little breathless, which has got to be a good sign. 

“Yeah, A-plus for kissing. Was I alright? I’m out of practice.” 

“Also A-plus,” Ilya gives Shane a dorky thumbs up. “So I got the job?” 

“Yep. You’re hired.” 

When Shane finally gets into his own apartment after fumbling with the lock, he unzips his jeans, sticks his hand down the front of his boxers, and jerks himself off until he's coming in his pants, still leaning against the front door. 

God, he’s got to get laid. 

“Shanebug!” 

Rose’s voice comes out of Shane’s phone, which is sitting on the dresser while Shane changes his sheets to clean one he had washed in the communal laundry. No point getting the sex blanket out tonight after his fifteen-second-against-the-door orgasm. 

“How come you get to call me Shanebug but I can’t even call you Rosie?” Shane huffs. 

“Because I don’t suit Rosie, and you suit Shanebug. What’s up? Assuming you’ve got some kind of gossip or you wouldn’t be calling me this late. Wait, is Jackie pregnant again? Hayden needs to stay away from her, she’s honestly—”

“No, it’s not gossip about the Pikes,” Shane laughs and yanks a pillow case into place. “Remember how we’re lying to my mom if she asks about the boyfriend situation?” 

“Against my better judgment,” Rose grumbles. “She’s gonna be hurt if she finds out you’re lying to her, especially after how she took you coming out—”

“I maintain I did nothing wrong,” Shane interrupts. “My sexuality is my fucking business and she shouldn’t have held it against me that I took so long to come out to her.”

“And I agree with you,” Rose says firmly, “but she was still hurt, and if she finds out you’re lying—”

“She won’t,” Shane says with certainty. “Because I have a boyfriend now.” 

“You what!?” Rose squeals, “Shane! What the fuck! Who! It’s the guy from the gym, isn’t it? The one with the big dick you saw in the shower! No fucking way! You sucked his dick, didn’t you! Shane! You whore! I love you! Oh my god! Big Dick Gym Guy! Did you swallow? Was he gentle? Did he ask you to be his boyfriend, or did you ask him? Does he do OnlyFans?” Rose is talking so fast that Shane is struggling to get a word in. 

“Stop! Rose! No! It’s not Big Dick Mike! And I didn’t touch his penis!” 

“Don’t say penis,” Rose groans, “Never say penis.” 

“I had to say penis to shut you up! Anyways, It’s my neighbour! But, wait, he’s not my real boyfriend. I’m paying him twenty thousand dollars.” 

“Shaaaaaaane,” Rose groans again, “what the fuck!” 

“I was prepared to pay a stranger thirty!” Shane is doing his best to defend himself. “He’s super nice, and we’re not really strangers because he let the plumber in for me and I gave him that Burberry coat and we got some drinks, and he said he’d do it! He’s bisexual and super chill, so it’ll be great!”

Rose sighs down the phone line. 

“I cannot fucking believe you’re going to fake-date your neighbour and take him to your family reunion.” 

Shane pauses. “I’m missing something here, aren’t I?” 

“Do you read romance?” Rose asks, seemingly out of nowhere. 

“No. I’m gay.” 

“There’s queer romance, Shane, don’t be stupid,” Rose huffs. 

“Oh, wait! Is this, like, the porn books you took on holiday to Tahiti?” 

“Yes! Anyways, the fake-dating thing is so popular in the romance genre, but it always ends the same.” 

“Uh… they get found out? Is that what you mean?” 

“No! Main Character One always secretly likes Main Character Two, but they can’t admit it, because they’re sure Main Character Two is only fake-dating them for another reason, so their feelings can never be reciprocated.” 

“Yeah, sure, but in this case I barely know Ilya! Oh, that’s his name, by the way. He’s called Ilya, and he’s a school teacher. Also we kissed just to make sure we had chemistry.” 

“No fucking way. How was it?” 

“It was a great kiss,” Shane grins and tucks the last corner of the sheet in place before lying down on the bed. 

“Just promise me if you do catch feelings or whatever, you have to tell him, and not be a chicken about it. Wait, is he hot?” 

“I’m sending you a screenshot of his instagram, he accepted me just before,” Shane says as he taps away on his phone. “There.” 

“Holy god.” 

“Not bad, right?” Shane smirks to himself. “Wait, I’m sending you another gym mirror selfie he posted.” 

“If he offers to have sex with you for any reason at all, you must say yes. The things I’d give to take a ride on—”

“Hey, I saw him first, back off,” Shane teases. “Okay, so if I decide I have feelings, I have to tell him. And if the opportunity for sex arises—”

“Ride him, cowboy.” 

“Might be good to break my dry spell,” Shane says wistfully. 

“I’ll say,” Rose snorts. 

“Hey, fuck you.” Shane pulls his clean duvet across the bed. 

“I do believe you tried,” Rose teases back. 

“Then go fuck yourself,” Shane retorts. 

“Fine. Okay, love you Shanebug. Send me updates! And photos! You should get some pictures together! And pack condoms! And lube!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Shane chuckles. Maybe Rose has a point, and while Shane isn’t actually looking to settle down or anything, having a bit of fun could be good for him. Just maybe. 

Chapter End Notes

LETS GO! WHO IS READY TO GO TO THE HOLLANDER FAMILY REUNION?

question: if you were ilya, would you sign up for this? is $20,000 (Canadian dollars, let’s be clear) enough for you to take three days off work, fly to another city and participate in someone else’s extended family bullshit? let me know!

hit subscribe, hit kudos, leave me a comment if i made you smile! see you in like three days for our group trip to meet the hollanders! pack your things!

if you need smut in the meantime, i write a LOT of smut one shots. go check it out!

FYI: here is what shane had in mind:

long winded author note that will be deleted upon completion:

oh hi there! thanks for reading and welcome back to the wip party (party poppers go off behind me).

so this fic is almost done being written LMFAO i have become kind of possessed by little brain worms that are operating me a little bit like the mouse (rat?) in ratatouille. (oh it’s rat isn’t it, but he’s so cute!)

the most massive shout-out to chocolate freckle, beta extraordinaire. i think we have been on call for maybe 5 hours over the course of the last 36 hours alone, which is insane considering we both have adult jobs and also need to sleep! XOXO

i was listening to a song on a run (wow weird flex no one cares that you run) this week, and a song lyric tickled my brain so much that i kept skipping back and restarting the song. “super cali, fragile ego, mild psychosis, can i amazon prime you a book on freud and hypnosis?” and i think it’s just supposed to be a bit silly (the song is Pulp by Winnetka Bowling League) but i kind of felt that hit a bit this week?

like at the end of the day im a little weirdo with a fragile ego putting out silly stories in my semi-manic unmedicated frantic silly goose state, in the hopes that it keeps the big scaries away! i think a lot of writers can relate.

alright if you read to the whole bottom of the end note use the word goose in your comment and i’ll know youre a real one.

stay sexy, stay classy.

Chapter 3

Chapter Summary

Previously, on The Whole Package: Shane and Ilya go out for drinks and Ilya talks Shane out of making himself a $30,000 catfish bait on Tinder, and agrees to be Shane’s fake boyfriend for $20,000. What a deal!

This time: Who’s ready to go to the Hollander family reunion! Wait, I feel like there are some subtle hints as to where the plot is going…

Chapter Notes

“Hey, Ilya,” Shane says on Monday morning. 

“Hi, Shane,” Ilya quickly pushes in front of Shane to press the button first. “Too slow. Your reflexes are not what they used to be?” 

“Fuck off,” Shane smiles. “Still, uh, good for next weekend? I’ve gotta book flights, so if you’ve changed your mind—”

“I haven’t changed my mind. Have you?” Ilya asks. The lift dings and the doors open. 

“Okay, cool,” Shane sticks his arm out to hold the door and lets Ilya step in first. “So, I guess just text me your details and I’ll sort the tickets. We’re going to a place outside Toronto. I’m pretty sure they predominantly host mid-size corporates for retreats, but my family is humongous.” 

“I’m excited,” Ilya says, and it seems like he genuinely is. 

The following Thursday, Shane and Ilya take an Uber to the airport, leaving the house at 8:45am. 

“But our flight isn’t until eleven,” Ilya protests on the way to the airport. “Why do we need to be so early?” 

“Because I have premium lounge access, and you’re my plus-one,” Shane explains. “And we need time to get our story straight.”

“I’m afraid there is not much straight about us two,” Ilya jokes as the car pulls into the drop-off zone. 

“Har-har.” Shane rolls his eyes, but he can’t help but smile. 

Sitting in the lounge, Shane gets a notebook out while Ilya pours them coffee and stacks a plate high with free pastries. 

Taking a seat across from Shane on a cushy leather chair, Ilya sips his drink. 

“Okay, I think we keep the story as close to the truth as possible. Less details to forget,” Ilya suggests. 

“Right,” Shane writes that down: Stick to the truth. 

“We are neighbours, see each other all the time, you gave me a key to let the plumber in, and the rest was history,” Ilya explains. 

“Okay, okay.” Shane writes that down as well. 

“What have you told your mom about your boyfriend?” Ilya asks as he starts eating a chocolate pastry, dropping little flakes down the front of his t-shirt. 

“I told her he’s tall, and nice, and funny.” 

Ilya nods. “Okay, I can probably fake those things. Can we get me some heeled boots?” 

“Oh my god, Ilya, you’re like, six foot,” Shane chews his pen for a moment. “Okay, but what’s your story? Moved to Boston, went to college, moved to Canada, then became a primary school teacher, but what else?” 

Ilya sucks his teeth as he seems to mull it over. 

“My parents are both dead, so I’m an orphan, and my brother lives in Russia but he’s a cunt and we don’t speak—” Ilya glances down at where Shane is taking notes. “Wait, did you just write ‘orphan, cunt brother’?”

“Shit, sorry, I did, didn’t I,” Shane frowns. 

“Is okay. You’re a funny guy, Shane. Are you preparing for a special quiz about me that I don’t know about?” 

“I’m trying to make sure I don’t miss any details!” Shane squeaks and uses one hand to shield the notebook from Ilya’s view. 

“Tell me about your family then, it is only fair so I know what I am walking into,” Ilya insists. 

“Well, my mom is Japanese, my dad is Canadian. They live in Ottawa. My dad is one of twelve siblings, which is why our family reunion has to be hosted at a fucking venue. Oh, and all of dad’s siblings have ‘D’ names.” 

Ilya seems to do a double take at at Shane. “‘D’ names?” 

“My dad is David, but then his siblings are Daria, Dale, Denis, Dean, Diana, Doris, Daniel, Dwayne, Dwight, Debbie and Doreen.” 

“You’re fucking with me,” Ilya stares at Shane. “This is fake.” 

“Afraid it’s real,” Shane smiles and shakes his head. “Grandad and Grandma are Donald and Deidre.” 

Ilya shakes his head disbelievingly. “Canada is not a real country.” 

“This is our first family reunion in over twenty years. All of dad’s siblings are married, and most of them have kids, and half of my cousins also have kids. So there are going to be more than thirty cousins, as well as the aunts and uncles married into the family. Aren’t you going to write any of this down?” 

“No,” Ilya takes another bite of his second pastry. “No normal person would remember all those names. But what about you? Tell me about you.” 

“There’s not much to tell,” Shane shrugs. “Used to play for the MLH, won four Cups and a whole bunch of awards, was the captain, and I’m gay.”

“Come on,” Ilya leans forward. “You are rich. Why do you live in my building?” 

“Your building?” Shane smirks. “The building is almost all mine. I moved there when I was a rookie and I never left. I just hate moving so much, so I stayed put and just started buying up apartments.” 

“Wow. Mr Landlord,” Ilya teases. 

“Not just in our building. I also own some commercial properties, they’re good investments… hey, quit laughing!” 

“Mr Real Estate,” Ilya teases again and wiggles his eyebrows.

“It’s sensible!” Shane insists. 

“Wait. Are you my landlord?” Ilya narrows his eyes. “I have only met the agent.”

“No. Your landlords are Mr and Mrs Zabludowicz. They’re in their eighties, and have so far resisted selling, no matter how many Christmas cards I send.”

“Ahh,” Ilya says. “That is a relief. I would not want ethical issues with fake boyfriend who is paying me to date him.”

“Oh my god,” Shane pinches the bridge of his nose while Ilya smirks and crams half a pain au chocolat in his mouth.

“But no boyfriend, ever? Why not? Surely you have liked boys?” Ilya asks through the storm of pastry crumbs, and Shane blushes and looks down. 

“Ilya…”

“Tell me! Come on, give me one juicy detail.” 

“Fine,” Shane sips his own coffee and then stretches his shoulder nervously. “All through high school, I had the biggest crush ever on this one guy. Like, from grade seven all the way through until graduation. He was brave enough to be out back then, and god…” 

Shane sighs. 

“I was in love with him. We were really close friends, but it was never more than that. I still think about him sometimes, kind of in a what-could-have-been way.” 

Seven to twelve times a week is definitely ‘sometimes’, Shane thinks.

“Mm, puppy love,” Ilya nods sagely. “And he isn’t around? You can’t reconnect now?”

“I’ve tried, but he’s not on social media. Last I heard, he moved to New York or something.” 

“A shame,” Ilya sighs. “And your ex-girlfriends? You know I have to ask—”

“About Rose Landry?” Shane interrupts with a grin. 

“Maybe you will tell me to fuck off, which is your business, but…” Ilya leans in closer. “Any details? I am such a big fan of hers.” 

“We dated for two months. She kind of helped me realise I was gay.” 

Ilya’s eyes go wide. “Wow, so gay you couldn’t fuck Rose Landry?” 

Shane smirks. 

“We were like a square peg and a round hole. And, as it turns out… I kind of prefer to be the hole.” 

Ilya chokes on his coffee. 

“Oh my god, and he’s got jokes! You’re killing me, Shane.” 

“Rose and I have agreed it was the worst sex of both of our lives, so laugh away. Go on, how did you realise you were bisexual?” 

“Ah,” Ilya pats some crumbs off the front of his top. “My coach’s son, back in Russia, when I was a teenager.” 

“Your coach?” 

“Mmhm,” Ilya nods, “I used to play hockey, too. Not big fancy hockey like you.” 

“We should play sometime,” Shane checks his watch. “Okay, time to head to the gate.” 

“We’re going to be so early,” Ilya groans but he picks up his things and follows Shane. 

“I have never flown business class before,” Ilya says after a flight attendant hands them both a glass of bubbles. “Thank you,” 

Ilya gives the flight attendant a warm smile and the man blushes and looks away. “Of course, sir,” he says. 

“It’s just premium economy,” Shane says as he struggles with the zip on the backpack between his legs. 

Ilya rolls his eyes. “Fine, I have never flown premium economy. What, you cannot stomach cattle class with the plebs?” 

“I, uh, thought it would be nice, for us, for you. You know, an added bonus to the fake boyfriend package.” 

“Oh?” Ilya’s eyes go wide. “Well, that is very thoughtful, then. Thank you, sweetheart.” Ilya puts extra emphasis on the nickname. 

“No problem, baby,” Shane tries out the nickname thing, seeing if Ilya will cringe or mock him, but instead Ilya just smiles. 

After the plane takes off, Shane gets his nerdy little notebook out again. 

“So, you played hockey. Why did you stop?” Shane asks. 

“ACL,” Ilya grimaces. “Was very bad.” 

“ACLs are bastards,” Shane nods knowingly. “So no more hockey?” 

“Just watching, and sometimes I play in my friend Cliff’s beer league.” 

“Cool, and why Canada?” Shane continues to jot down notes like he’s writing Ilya’s biography. 

“I moved to Canada because my best friend Svetlana opened a car dealership in Montreal. We used to date, but realised we were better off as friends.” 

“And you teach… fourth grade now?” Shane asks, referring back to a previous page of notes. 

“Yeah. I went to college in Boston to become a teacher, and I love kids. Svetlana got the business up and running, and the local school was hiring. The rest is history. Now I am Mr Rozanov.” 

“Well, Mr Rozanov, I hope you’re great with kids, because my cousins are a handful.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this. Your charming boyfriend is going to impress your whole family.” 

After picking up their rental and driving to the outskirts of Toronto, Shane and Ilya arrive at the Hazel Grove Retreat Centre. A lady with red hair in a low bun greets them at the security gate. 

“Here for the Hollander family reunion?” she asks when Shane winds his window down. 

“Yeah, uh, Shane, son of David. What’s the rooming situation?” 

Maddie, according to her name tag, runs a pen down her clipboard. “Oh, you have your own cabin, 1410. If you follow the gravel road down that way,” she gestures towards a small hill, “you’re down the end. Here’s your key.” 

“Thanks,” Shane says as he takes the key and winds his window back up. 

“Our own cabin is nice,” Ilya says and he pushes his sunglasses up onto his head. “I was prepared to share with strangers, maybe bunk beds.” 

“Yeah, I didn’t realise either.” 

Shane drives them over to their cabin, and Ilya unloads their things onto the small porch while Shane unlocks the door. 

Inside, the cabin reminds Shane of the kind of homeware store that sell large metallic ‘Live, Love, Laugh’ signs. It has its own little bathroom and shower, a mini fridge, a king size bed and a single chair sitting opposite it. Large floor-to-ceiling curtains hide the windows facing out towards the lake. 

“This is nice,” Ilya says as he leaps onto the bed and lands like a starfish. 

Shane stares at him nervously. 

“What’s wrong?” Ilya asks. 

“There’s only one bed, and there isn’t even a couch for one of us to crash on. We’re going to have to share.” 

Ilya shrugs horizontally. 

“What, you don’t want to sleep on the cuck chair?”

Shane looks around confused, and Ilya points at the lone wooden chair, painted a distressed white. Shane doesn’t know what makes it a ‘cuck’ chair, as distinct from any other kind of chair, but he’s used to other people knowing way more about things like interior design than he does.

“You afraid of cooties?” Ilya continues. “I could build us a pillow wall.” 

Shane’s phone vibrates in his pocket, and he pulls it out, thankful for a distraction from the sleeping arrangements.

Rose Landry [5:44pm]

HOWS IT GOING!!!! 👀 

So much for a distraction from the sleeping arrangements, Shane thinks. 

Shane Hollander [5:44pm] 

There’s only one bed!!! 

Rose Landry [5:44pm]

STOP IM SCREAMING SHANE OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS UPDATE ME INVOLVE ME TELL ME SHOW ME TO ME PLEASE, SEND IT TO ME RACHEL!! 

Shane Hollander [5:44pm] 

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING! I DONT SPEAK MEME! I CANT TALK NOW BYE 

“Everything okay?” Ilya asks, sitting up. 

“Oh, uh,” Shane stammers. “Just texting Rose. No, the uh, one bed thing is chill. I just didn’t want to put you in an awkward position. I don’t mind sharing.” 

Ilya flops back onto the mattress. 

“I am going to close my eyes for sixty seconds. Quick recharge. And I will think about what I should wear to meet your family for dinner.” 

Oh yeah, of course. Meeting his family, the entire point of this elaborate lie. 

“The most judgy person is my mom, and she’s never cared about what I wear before. Just wear what makes you comfortable.” 

“Okay,” Ilya gives Shane a thumbs up and keeps his eyes closed. Shane takes a seat in the cuck chair and tries not to panic.

A moment later, a faint snore comes from the man starfished on the—their—bed.

“Perfect,” Shane snorts, rubbing the bridge of his nose. 

“And you’re a teacher!” Aunty Daria says, touching Ilya’s arm. “You do the Lord’s work. Uncle Dwight is also a teacher. Hard work, but God knows it’s rewarding, shaping young minds, isn’t that right?”

“Of course, and I love my class,” Ilya replies, sipping his beer. 

“Why didn’t you tell me your boyfriend was such a charmer?” Yuna says quietly to Shane as she watches. “You keep a close eye on him; the aunties are going to try and steal him.” 

“And the uncles, if we aren’t careful,” Shane nods towards Uncle Dean, who is blatantly staring at Ilya.  

Yuna rolls her eyes. “Uncle Dean is straight.” 

“He could be bisexual,” Shane says, trying to keep it light. 

“Oh! Of course. Of course,” Yuna says quickly. 

Eventually, Grandad Donald gets the microphone and welcomes everyone to take a seat at their tables, and then it’s finally time to eat dinner. Shane and Ilya are sat next to each other at a big table with a whole bunch of uncles, aunts, cousins, as well as Yuna and David. 

“Do you also play hockey?” Aunty Diana asks, towards the end of the meal. 

Ilya pauses, mid-potato-salad-to-mouth. “I used to, but not like my Shane. Only room for one superstar in our relationship.” 

“Hey, you’re a superstar to your kids,” Shane pipes up. “People never forget their favourite teachers.” 

“And your accent!” Diana continues. “Where are you from?” 

Shane resists the urge to facepalm. Old people are so fucking direct sometimes. 

“I’m a Canadian citizen,” Ilya says quickly, “but I was born in Moscow.” 

“Oh, are your family here? Have they met Shane? Do they approve? I know some Russians aren’t as accepting.” 

“Jesus, Aunty Di,” Shane groans.

“What?” Aunty Diana says. 

“Stop grilling the poor boy, Di,” David finally pipes up. “We’re so glad you’re here Ilya, Shane seems so happy with you.” 

“Oh, I am very happy with him too,” Ilya says, his potato salad still on his fork. “He is such a lovely guy. I am very lucky to be with him.” 

“Does he make you go to board game club with him?” David jokes. 

Ilya hastily stuffs the potato salad into his mouth, to give him time to look at Shane to try and gauge if this is a joke. Shane gives Ilya a tiny nod. 

“Oh, of course!” Ilya lies. “So nice for Shane to have such interesting hobbies.” 

“Do you join in the campaigns?” David asks. 

Ilya glances at Shane again, a look of panic in his eyes. “The campaigns…” 

Ilya covers with another mouthful of potato salad, but his plate is almost out of excusatory carbohydrates now.

“Actually,” Shane interrupts, “Ilya doesn’t play, but he comes along to hang out with the others sometimes.” 

“I’ll bet you and Alex get along,” David chuckles. 

“Yes! Of course, I love Alex.” 

David reaches over the table to get the pitcher of water. 

“Is Alex a boy or a girl?” Ilya whispers to Shane quietly. 

“Neither, they’re non-binary,” Shane whispers back. 

“They’re great,” Ilya says confidently once David is back to facing him.  

“I think I need some air. You all done? Come with me?” Shane says to Ilya. 

Ilya scoops up the last of his potato salad and smiles through it at the table as they make their escape.

“Thank fuck you rescued me,” Ilya says. “Why didn’t you warn me there would be questions? I would have taken notes.”

“I did warn y—” Shane looks up to find Ilya grinning like a menace. “Oh my god, Ilya.”

“Come on,” Ilya says, nodding at a couple of cousins Shane’s age sneaking out the side door. “I know cool kids when I see them. Let’s follow them.” 

Sure enough, like any good family reunion, a group of people have snuck off to surreptitiously smoke and vape out the back, huddled in a group behind a large hedge. 

“Oh, hey, Shane, is this your boyfriend? I’m Sam,” Shane’s cousin Sam, a fluffy-haired guy in his late twenties, says with a smile. He pops open a pack of cigarettes. 

“Ilya. Nice to meet you,” Ilya gives him a friendly smile. “I don’t smoke anymore, but maybe—”

“Go on,” Sam offers Ilya a cigarette and Shane scrunches up his nose. 

“Those things are literally proven to kill you,” Shane crosses his arms. 

“It’s just one,” Ilya shrugs. 

“Smoke that and I won’t kiss you later,” Shane finds himself saying. For Sam’s benefit, surely. 

Ilya’s hand pauses halfway. 

“Oh?” 

“I’m serious,” Shane says sternly, in his best I’m-a-bossy-boyfriend voice. 

“Boss has spoken. I’ll pass,” Ilya tells Sam, who just laughs. 

“Wow, whipped! That’s probably what happens when you date a hockey player, though.” 

“Ex-hockey player,” Shane corrects. 

“Okay, so my family loves you more than they love me,” Shane grumbles as he re-packs his toiletries after having a shower. 

Shane had opted to get changed in the bathroom, but Ilya had emerged in nothing but a towel after his shower. Shane had noticed Ilya’s strong chest, with a little bit of chest hair, as well as his toned, muscly arms. 

So as to not get too flustered, Shane had rolled onto his side on the bed to look away while Ilya got changed. However, when he had turned back around, Ilya had still been gloriously shirtless as he rummaged through his bag. 

“What can I say, I’m good with kids,” Ilya pulls a clean T-shirt on and combs his fingers through his wet hair before dumping his jeans and sweater on the cuck chair. “Are you sure you don’t mind sharing a bed? I could sleep on the floor.” 

Shane shrugs. 

“Look, I’ll be honest, I can’t remember the last time I shared a bed with someone.” 

Ilya freezes and turns to Shane. 

“When you have a hookup, you never sleep over? Or let them stay? Just kick them to the curb, bye-bye, see you later?” 

Shane blushes and looks away. 

“I, uh— Okay, please don’t make fun of me, but I haven’t had sex since… Well, I’m pretty sure the last time was before my thirtieth birthday.” 

Ilya’s jaw drops. “But… you’re thirty-two?” 

Shane gives Ilya a tight-lipped smile. 

“Yeah. So, yeah—it’s been a long time since I shared a bed—”

“Fuck the bed-sharing, how have you gone so long without sex?” Ilya asks in disbelief. “I know you said you haven’t had a boyfriend, but over two years without sex?”

“I know,” Shane groans. “I keep meaning to get out there, and then I just… don’t.”  

“Do you even like sex? I know some people don’t need it, which is, you know, good for them, but—”

“Yes, I like sex. God, Ilya, I miss sex. But it’s been so long, and I’m out of practice. I’ll probably be really bad at it when I finally do have sex again.” 

Ilya pauses for a moment, eyes Shane carefully, opens his mouth, and then closes it again. 

“Oh, come on, don’t do that. What were you about to say?” 

Ilya takes a breath. 

“You won’t be bad at sex, Shane. You were a professional athlete and you stay in shape. It’s muscle memory. But I was going to say—maybe you need to practice, like training at the gym.” 

“Practice with who?” Shane asks. 

Ilya raises one eyebrow. 

“You?” Shane guesses weakly. 

“Why not? We already did our chemistry test, we have this big bed, and no neighbours to hear me make you come. Why not?” 

“I mean—” Shane hesitates. “Won’t that complicate our… arrangement? I don’t want things to be, you know, unethical…”

“Ethics schmethics,” Ilya says. “Sex is fun. You are cute. I am very consenting. And also you come back in here wearing a T-shirt, which is definitely unethical, for me not to get to see the famous hockey physique. I am sure this was part of the employee benefits package we agreed. Do not make me call my union, Shane.”

“Um,” Shane says.

Chapter End Notes

please click subscribe, click kudos and leave a nice comment if i made you smile. i reply to all my comments! next update will probably drop over the weekend so stay #sat for that.

if you don’t know ‘show me to me please, send it to me rachael’, here is a helpful link to the video. i say this once a day.

lol i tagged this fic edging (ducks under ipad as rotten fruit is tossed at me).

now, as i have said and tagged, we have a very special guest joining us in this fic. there have been a couple of clues dropped for those with eyes to see. no worries if you haven’t spotted it, all will be revealed before you know it! EDIT: not scott or kip it is NOT scott or kip thank you thank you don’t panic

but ahh!! in the meantime! getting to know your fake date, and of course, the one bed trope! my favourite!

long winded author note that will be deleted after the fic is complete:

my favourite part of travelling for work is this: free food at the airport lounge! despite the fact that i am a grown up frog, theres just something about the appeal of free pastries. in theory, nothing is stopping me from buying them for myself any time, but they just taste so good when they’re free!!! the rest of business trips low key suck balls.

in case you missed it, i amended the author note on the last chapter to include a mock-up of the tinder profile shane had in mind. based on everyone’s thirsty responses, i think ilya was one billion percent right to tell him not to do it. i cant lie though, there would be something fun about having to play a part for a whole weekend. do you have a family reunion coming up and do you need a date? hit me up.

have really really loved seeing my geese 🪿 in the comments on the last chapter! here is a song in case you wanted something a bit different: The Nosebleed Section by Hilltop Hoods. theres no deep reason behind this song, i just think it’s a bop and has big idgaf energy. here is song, hollander, check it out! fuck.

is it just me or does everyone else share the experience of the cousins all sneaking off to smoke or vape at family gatherings? let me know!

anyways i am having a lot of fun with this fic. it has meant a lot to me that people have been really engaged (AND KIND!!) so thank you thank you! if you made it to the end of the author note, use 🪿 or goose in your comment 😉

stay classy, stay sexy.

Chapter 4

Chapter Summary

Previously, on The Whole Package: Ilya meets Shane’s entire extended Hollander family, and Shane and Ilya are put in a cabin with one bed. (Oh my god, there’s ONLY ONE BED).

Shane hasn’t had sex in over two years! Ilya offers to help him practice. What a great guy!!

This time: It’s porn, guys. It’s all porn.

Chapter Notes

“It’ll be fun,” Ilya says teasingly. “What is the saying, ‘get back on the horse’? After we finish up our fake-dating, you should get back out there and get laid. I can imagine that if it has been some time, you might be nervous, yes?” 

Shane nods. “Yeah, I think I’m nervous. But are you sure it’s… cool for you? I don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped in the outskirts of Toronto with me. And what if it gets weird? And what if—” 

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to, Shane, but if we do, I promise it will be fine. We are both grown-ups, yes?” 

Shane nods uncertainly.

“How about this: let’s start over. Pretend that we have gone home together, and that we are both sexy young men who want to fuck. I know this will be difficult to do, but try hard, yes?”

Shane snorts. 

“If that was the case, what would you do?” 

Shane looks at Ilya, his hair still damp, a little ringlet falling across his forehead. Ilya is undoubtedly hot, and Rose had told Shane that if sex was ever on the table, to take it. 

“I’d…” Shane works on schooling his features to be confident, “I’d kiss you, and then hopefully we would move to the bed and make out, and then if we were in the mood for more, we’d take our clothes off and go from there.” 

Ilya claps his hands together once, startling Shane. 

“Perfect. I am happy with that. Do you want me to go outside and knock on the door?” 

“No,” Shane laughs. “Come on, get on the bed.” 

Ilya takes a seat next to Shane on the king-size bed and turns to face Shane. “You can do this, Shane. We have kissed before, and it was really good. Don’t think so much.” 

So Shane ceases thinking, as much as he can. Ilya leans in first to kiss him, and Shane meets him. Their lips touch and then Shane lets Ilya’s tongue into his mouth. Then Ilya lies back on the bed and pulls Shane down so he’s half-straddling Ilya’s body. 

“I like how you kiss,” Ilya murmurs. 

“You too,” Shane breathes as his clothed erection presses against Ilya’s thigh. “Oh, fuck, even that feels good.” 

“Do what feels good,” Ilya replies and rolls his body slightly to push his thigh between Shane’s legs. “Grind on me a little. Yeah, like that.” 

“Fuck,” Shane kisses down the side of Ilya’s face and then nuzzles into Ilya’s neck as his hips snap forward, seeking friction. 

Then Shane’s lips find Ilya’s again and they kiss and kiss while he shamelessly grinds against Ilya and breathes hard. It feels so good. It feels so easy. 

“If you want to just do this, that is okay,” Ilya says gently, “but if you want to take off your clothes, I will do the same.” 

Shane had been enjoying himself so much that he’d lost sight of the end goal for a moment there. Time to lock in. 

 “Yeah… yes, that’s what I want,” Shane pulls back immediately and starts pulling off his T-shirt, folding it and placing it on the bedside table.

“Can you take your shirt off?” Shane asks. Ilya doesn’t hesitate to strip off his T-shirt and throw it across the room in the general direction of the cuck chair, leaving them both in their sleep shorts.

Shane lets out a shuddery breath. 

“You okay?” Ilya checks. 

“Yeah, I, uh, I’m worried that I’m either going to shoot immediately, or I’ll be so stressed I won’t be able to come.” 

“It’s okay, it’s just me,” Ilya reassures and strokes Shane’s cheek. “We have plenty of time. If you shoot too fast, we can wait and go again, and if you take ages, don’t worry. We have the whole night, okay?” 

Ilya reaches over to touch Shane’s chest. 

“Fuck,” Ilya breathes. “You’re so fucking hot. I can’t believe I am about to sleep with a hockey player.” 

“Ex-hockey— Ah!” Shane gasps as Ilya pinches one of his nipples. 

Ilya pushes Shane down and starts kissing his chest, licking his nipples, and slowly kissing down his stomach. 

“Can I suck you?” he asks.

“Oh, fuck, please,” Shane replies. His heart is beating so fast and so loud that he can hear it in his ears. He wonders if Ilya had felt it as he’d kissed down his chest. 

Ilya keeps kissing and teasing around Shane’s lower stomach until Shane’s not sure he can take it anymore, and then finally, Ilya pulls Shane’s shorts down. Shane helps Ilya kick them off, and then Ilya is face-to-face with Shane’s dick. 

“Try and stay still. Can you do that?” Ilya says in a gravelly voice. “If you move, I will hold your hips down. If you get close, tell me.” 

“Oh, fuck, yes, okay, I can do that.” Shane grips onto the sheets to try and ground himself a little, and then he feels Ilya’s hot breath against him. 

Slowly, Ilya takes Shane’s dick in his mouth, starting with just the tip, and Shane immediately groans. 

“Oh fuck— sorry, I’ve been told I talk too much in bed, fuck, but it’s—” 

“Unless it is hockey stats, I am okay with this,” Ilya pops off to say. “I like feedback. Go ahead.” 

Ilya goes back to gently sucking Shane’s tip, and then slowly takes him deeper and deeper with each pull. Shane does everything in his power not to thrust up into Ilya’s hot, tight mouth. 

“Fuck, Ilya, it feels so good.” 

Shane looks down at Ilya and Ilya looks up at the same time. If Shane didn’t know better, he would think maybe Ilya was holding back a smile, even with a mouth full of cock. 

But then suddenly, Ilya sucks harder and Shane clamps a hand over his mouth to try and cover up a loud moan.

“Fucking shit,” Shane groans. “Where the fuck did you learn to— oh yeah, like that, with your tongue—” 

Ilya bobs his head faster and faster, flicking his tongue on the underside of Shane’s dick, and then reaches up with one hand to hold Shane’s pec. He gives Shane’s nipple a flick, and Shane’s hips buck off the bed on their own accord. 

Ilya’s hand moves back down from Shane’s chest so his forearm is pressing down on Shane’s hips, hard, to keep him from moving. Something about the way Ilya is holding Shane still and sucking him like this makes all of it infinitely hotter, and Shane feels the pressure building rapidly. 

“It’s feeling really good,” Shane whimpers, and then he tries to focus on his breathing to stave off his orgasm, like when he edges himself at home. 

It’s not working. Shane is about to come, and Ilya’s barely sucked him for two minutes. 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Shane panics. “I’m fucking close. I’m so fucking close.” 

Ilya pulls off immediately. 

“Sorry, I was worried I’d come in your mouth, I just—” 

“You can come in my mouth,” Ilya rubs one of Shane’s thighs with his palm. “But are you ready to come yet? I can slow down.

And fuck, if that’s not the best offer a sexual partner could give Shane. 

“Yeah, that would be great. Are you sure you don’t mind if I come in your mouth?” 

“I would not offer if I did not want to do it,” Ilya says plainly, with a smile. “It has been a long time since someone made you feel good in bed, hmm?” 

Shane nods. 

“A very long time.” 

“Then relax. I’ve got this.” Ilya settles back between Shane’s legs and starts sucking him off again, but this time slower. It occurs to Shane that with other sexual partners, the goal had always seemed to have been to get him off as fast as possible. Ilya, on the other hand, is making a real effort for it to be pleasurable. 

Now, sucking at half-speed, Shane lets himself moan softly as the feeling of pleasure builds gradually. Ilya also plays with Shane’s balls a little, all the while keeping his forearm pressed firmly across Shane’s hips. Shane keeps gripping the bed sheets and looks down at Ilya bobbing up and down. It’s so fucking hot and Ilya is so… enthusiastic. 

“I’m getting close again,” Shane whimpers as the feeling grows and grows and grows. “I wanna come.” 

Ilya gives Shane a small nod, and speeds up what he’s doing. Shane gasps.

“Fuck, fuck, like that, like that, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna—” 

And Shane comes, biting down on his fist so he doesn’t scream, with Ilya pressing his hips down so hard he might leave a bruise. Ilya keeps sucking and swallowing around Shane until Shane’s body twitches a little, then he sits up, wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and looks directly at Shane. 

“Are you okay? Was that okay?” 

“Holy. Fucking. Shit,” Shane is still catching his breath. “Without a word of a lie, I think that might be the best blowjob I’ve ever had, in my entire life. Holy shit.” 

“Your noises are really hot,” Ilya says as he shuffles up the bed to sit next to Shane. “Whoever told you that you are too vocal in bed did not know what they were talking about. Fuck.” 

“Let me get you,” Shane says, scrambling to reach for Ilya’s boxers. 

“Ah-ah-ah.” Ilya waggles a finger. “You have only just come. Let’s give it a minute. Take a breath, make sure you feel okay.” 

“I can’t believe I broke my dry streak,” Shane says, almost in disbelief. 

“I broke your dry streak, please do not take credit for my work,” Ilya jokes. He then pulls Shane close to him and against his chest, and rubs Shane’s sweaty forehead and kisses Shane on the cheek. 

About a minute later, Shane rolls into Ilya and kisses Ilya on the mouth, then slowly starts kissing down Ilya’s neck to his stomach. 

“In a hurry?” Ilya teases. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve done this, but I fucking miss it,” Shane says as he kisses lower and lower. 

“You don’t have to swallow for me,” Ilya says quickly. “Doesn’t matter that I did it for you.” 

Shane shrugs. “I don’t mind it at all.” 

Ilya lifts his hips and pushes his sleep shorts down, and Shane stops in his tracks. 

“You’re big,” Shane remarks. 

Ilya shrugs. “Have you seen yourself? I’m not much bigger than you.” 

Shane considers that. 

“It’s probably just that it’s been so long since I’ve seen a dick this close up.”

Shane gets himself into a comfortable position between Ilya’s legs and then slowly lowers himself down to give Ilya’s dick a tentative lick. Then, Shane gets ready to dive in. No time like the present. 

Shane takes a deep breath and then sucks all the way down. Ilya shudders. 

“Oh fuck, yeah, that’s good.” 

And god, if being told he’s doing a good job doesn’t do something for Shane. Immediately, Shane sucks harder, hollowing out his cheeks to make the suction stronger, and uses his hand to jerk where his mouth won’t quite reach. 

It feels really good, after all this time, to finally be sucking dick again. Ilya is all but whimpering underneath him as Shane works himself into a nice rhythm, up and down and up and down. Ilya keeps saying “Oh fuck, like that, Shane,” so he must be doing something right. Maybe it really is a case of muscle memory kicking in. 

“Fucking— Oh god, I don’t usually— fuck, Shane, oh my god— I’m going to come,” Ilya gasps. Shane goes to pull off to let Ilya cool off, but Ilya’s hand is already on his shoulder, encouraging him to stay, so he sucks harder, harder, harder as Ilya’s moans grow higher and higher in pitch, until he’s coming, squeezing Shane’s shoulder. 

“Fuck, oh god, I’m fucking coming, like that, oh, fuck, Shane—"

Shane follows Ilya’s example and swallows, and then keeps sucking until Ilya gently bats him away. 

“You were worried about being out of practice?” Ilya says in disbelief. “You are— Shane, you have nothing to worry about, I promise you.” 

Shane beams. He loves praise. “Really?” 

Ilya laughs and gestures for Shane to come and lie next to him. 

“Really. I would not lie to you. That is in breach of the fake-boyfriend arrangement. Your mouth is insane.” 

Shane reaches over to where his water bottle is sitting on a bedside table and takes a swig, then he offers it to Ilya. “You want some?” 

“Thanks,” Ilya takes a sip then sighs happily. “I am going to sleep so well tonight.” 

“Me too. And thank you, again, for offering,” Shane says as he places the water bottle back on the table. 

“Are you kidding? Letting you suck my dick wasn’t selfless of me,” Ilya chuckles. 

“Yeah, okay, but you didn’t have to offer it, and I needed that, and now I’m feeling better about the prospect of having sex again. So you did me a favour.” 

“I am more than happy to help. Although, I think as part of the fake-dating package, this might be a one-time offer. You’ll need to upgrade to premium to unlock more features.” 

“Oh, that’s okay, I—” 

“Oh my god, Shane, I am kidding! It was great sex. We can do it again, even if we are not fake-dating, yeah? Let me be very clear, I did not do this because you are paying me to be your fake boyfriend, okay?” 

Again? Shane thinks. Oh! Well! Well, that could be very, very nice. 

“Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea,” Shane says as nonchalantly as he can muster. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.” 

Shane grabs his phone, and as soon as he closes the door, he texts Rose. 

Shane Hollander [11:22PM] 

Rose, TALK TO ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW ASHHASKASDJHALJFSDJSDHFKAJHKJSHKDSJAKGSDJDAH

Rose Landry [11:23PM]

SHANE WHAT IS GOING ON 

Shane Hollander [11:23PM] 

I BROKE MY DRY STREAK 

Rose Landry [11:24PM]

WITH ILYA!!??? NO WAY OH MY GOD FUCKING DETAILS BABY TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME 

Shane Hollander [11:24PM] 

Okay we kissed and then blew each other LOL 

Rose Landry [11:25PM]

MORE DETAILS OH MY GOD??? WAS IT GOOD?? DID YOU COME??

Shane Hollander [11:25PM] 

Of course I came, the fuck 

Rose Landry [11:25PM]

Gotta check, you didn’t come with me 😉

Shane Hollander [11:26PM] 

Yes I did 

Rose Landry [11:26PM]

Barely 💦 

Shane Hollander [11:26PM] 

Fuck you! That’s it, no more details for you then meanie 🙁

Rose Landry [11:26PM]

NO I APOLOGIZE SHANE PLEASE PLEASE WAS IT REALLY GOOD DID YOU DO WELL 

Shane Hollander [11:27PM] 

I came so hard I nearly cried and he swallowed, and then I blew him and he came super hard and KINDA FAST?!?!? and he said I did a great job!! I swallowed too heehee 

Rose Landry [11:27PM]

YOU BOTH SWALLOWED THATS SO ROMANTIC AND I told you you haven’t lost your abilities! Just needed the right opportunity to demonstrate your skills 

Shane Hollander [11:27PM] 

God it felt so good. It wasn’t awkward either! We made out for ages, he asked me what I wanted and didn’t push me at all

Rose Landry [11:27PM]

I fear that is the bare minimum Shanebug

Shane Hollander [11:28PM] 

Oh, well it was great. 

Rose Landry [11:28PM]

Are you going to do it again? 

Shane Hollander [11:28PM] 

He suggested we could, also I packed condoms and lube like you said but I don’t want to bring that up yet lol maybe I’ll just casually leave them out tomorrow

Rose Landry [11:28PM]

AHHH OH MY GOD YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT I LOVE YOU I WOULD DIE FOR YOU SHANE HOLLANDER. 

Shane Hollander [11:29PM] 

If your texts ever get leaked it’s fucking over for me. 

Rose Landry [11:29PM]

Ah, this is true isn’t it. But how is project fake date and lie to family going, great sex aside

Shane Hollander [11:29PM] 

Everyone likes him and we are being super believable. I should have been an actor

Rose Landry [11:29PM]

… yeah because anyone can be an actor 🙄 

Shane Hollander [11:30PM] 

You know I don’t mean that ❤️

Rose Landry [11:31PM]

Glad it’s going well. You’re still insane for doing this by the way 

Shane Hollander [11:31PM] 

OMG I NEED TO GO I’ve been in here so long he’s going to think I’m taking a nervous shit! 

Rose Landry [11:32PM]

Haha remember when you were on your macrobiotic diet and blew up my toilet 💩 

Shane Hollander [11:32PM] 

Fuck you. But also, I love you. Sorry again about the toilet. I really do have to go. I’ll text you updates!!!!!!

Rose Landry [11:33PM]

Love you Shanebug! 

Shane finishes up in the bathroom, grabs a clean pair of underwear and then sits on the bed. Ilya is watching something on his phone. 

“There you are, I was wondering if you had gone to get us some snacks or something.” 

“I could order us something,” Shane says, immediately going to open up the UberEats app. 

“No, no need, thank you,” Ilya flicks the duvet back so Shane can hop under. “But you were gone quite a while. Are you okay? Not panicking? No regrets?” 

“Oh, definitely not. I was just texting Rose,” Shane confesses as he snuggles under the blanket. 

“Mm, giving her all the dirty details?” Ilya guesses. 

Shane hesitates, but then feels like lying about this isn’t the right thing to do. 

“I, uh, yeah. I told her. She knows about our fake-dating thing already. And I told her we, uh, got each other off.” 

“You told her we sucked each other’s dicks, didn’t you?” 

“Yeah,” Shane admits sheepishly. “And I told her it was really good.” 

“Did you tell her I swallowed?” Ilya asks, and Shane leans over to turn off the bedside lamp. 

“Yep. Hope that’s… cool with you.” 

Ilya shrugs. 

“It is more than cool with me. A famous actor who I think is sexy now knows I am good at sex.” 

Shane smiles and shakes his head. 

“Alright. Well, goodnight Ilya. Thanks for today.” 

“Goodnight,” Ilya says back, and he rolls into Shane to cuddle him and gives him a kiss on the cheek. 

Chapter End Notes

yayyyy is everyone happy? sorry i made you wait! hit kudos, subscribe, and comment if i made smile! i reply to everyone’s comments!

yay for super-duper consensual gentle sex with check-ins for our shane who has finally broken his dry streak! yay!!! yay!!!!!! chapter count is now at 9 even though i originally thought i could do it in 6 wtf haha

next update is probably going to be tuesday/wednesday depending on timezone, and we will finally hear about shane’s high school crush, [redacted]! some of you have guessed already, hint: not from the GCU universe (wow wow only read further notes below if you want spoilers). a reminder that there will be no angst in this fic so don’t worry, and NO MISCOMMUNICATION! i said what i said!

edit: tags updated wow wow. who is paul baker? well, he is a beloved character from another tv show that is going to be playing the role of shane’s teenager crush. i suggest typing into google: “paul baker edits” if you do not know the literature so you can meet him. he is a big part of the story but also can be read as an Original Character (though to be fair i did not invent him!)

thank you for the love on this chapter!!

long author note to be deleted upon completion:
having friends who really get you and you can be yourself around is what really matters, at the end of the day. that’s kind of what i’m going for here with shane and rose.

he doesn’t have to fake it for her, she knows he’s messy and funny and he knows she’s crazy and honest. best friends are more important than romantic partners #tome but maybe thats just me? shoutout to the asexual/ace-spec/something-or-other smut writers.

on the fic writing journey, you guuuuuyssss it’s coming along nicely (heehee, coming,) i am feeling really good about it(!?) which is so fun but also wow a lot of people (and i mean a LOT of people) have subscribed and i feel a little bit of stage fright? like oh i was writing this silly goose story and now lots of eyes are on me, but you never can predict what other people will like! maybe it’s the whimsy of the story or writing a silly no angst fic?

okay, for a song this week: To Love Somebody by Holly Humberstone. this song is literally perfect in every sense. “it all breaks down, it always does, it all works out, it always does”. that’s right holly! you’re right! it does always work out! to love somebody, to hurt somebody, to lose somebody? is to know you’re only human, honey!

couldn’t have said it better myself.

complete side note (or is it? i am being dragged away by horses because i can’t help but spoil things everyone stop reading if you don’t want spoilers) i just binged all of season 2 of adults in one night (genuinely amazing everyone go watch that show) and that show also rings true for me as to how important friends are (like actually, the power of friendship!!).

maybe i just wanted to be the first person to write shane/[redacted] (not like smutty!! the tags guys, the tags! ‘/‘ just means romantic relationship it doesn’t mean porn okay? i write what i like because it is fun and so just trust me thanks!

someone please sedate me i’m gonna explode

wow if you made it to the end of THAT, find a way to use the word ‘edge’ in your comment! bet you can’t. if you can’t you can stick to 🪿. there are such a cute little gaggle of you i feel such overwhelming fondness. maybe what is good for a single goose (me) is also good for the gander (my special sweeties in the comments. you know who you are. honk honk!!)

stay sexy, stay classy!

Chapter 5

Chapter Summary

Previously, on The Whole Package: Shane and Ilya have practice sexy times (blow each other) and Ilya says they could do it again!

This time: The Hollander Family Olympics kicks off, and we meet our special guest (and driver of the plot, seen we don’t have miscommunication)!

You do NOT have to watch Adults to understand the presence of Paul Baker. He’s just a guy! Also, there are no spoilers for adults in this fic.

Chapter Notes

“Are you ready?” Shane says as Ilya grabs his phone and slots it into his back pocket.

“Yep, let’s do this.” 

Shane and Ilya head to the communal mess hall of the retreat centre where breakfast is being served. They arrive to find a whole bunch of metal trays piled high with breakfast sausages and bacon, as well as a tray of eggs, a tray of hash browns, and a neat little machine that spits out small pancakes on demand. 

Ilya makes himself a plate and douses the entire thing in maple syrup. 

“What? I thought Canadians loved maple syrup,” Ilya says when Shane gives him a sideways glance. 

Shane and Ilya take a seat next to cousin Sam and his girlfriend Emily. 

“You know, I think your team should get one less person, seeing you’re a professional hockey player,” Sam says. 

“Ex-professional hockey player,” Shane and Ilya say at the same time. 

“Oh my god, that’s kind of cute, though,” Emily says. “Have you guys been together long?” 

“Around eight months,” Ilya answers before Shane can start to panic. “But time flies when you are having fun. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?” 

“Very true,” Shane manages, before looking at his eggs intently. 

“I hope Shane has told you about all the events on today,” Sam continues, “Actually, I haven’t seen the teams list yet. We could be on the same team this time!” 

“I’ll check the WhatsApp,” Shane pulls out his phone and starts tapping away. 

“Do many Canadian families do… all this?” Ilya asks. 

“No, this is insane,” Emily says. “And they’re all so fucking competitive.” 

“Wait, you have been before?” Ilya asks. 

“Me? No. It’s been a long time since the last Hollander Olympics. But I’ve heard the stories.” 

“Uncle Dwayne nearly drowned in the lake,” Shane says, still looking through the zillions of messages in the family chat. “Uncle Dean could have saved him… but then, well, he wanted to win.” 

“Oh,” Ilya says. “Well, maybe it will be less crazy, now that the uncles and aunts are older.” 

“I fear the competitive nature is truly genetic,” Emily says. 

“We aren’t that bad,” Sam insists. 

They are that bad. Shane is trying very hard to practice the deep breathing he learned at therapy when Aunt Doris attempts to capsize his kayak. 

“Come on, Ilya,” Shane huffs. “Fucking paddle. Team Green needs these points.” 

“Yes, boss,” Ilya says, and starts paddling faster. 

An hour later, Aunt Doreen ties Shane and Ilya’s ankles together for the three-legged race. 

“Go Shane! Go Shane’s boyfriend!” yells Sam, “Trip Emma!” 

“I’m not tripping her! She’s twelve!” Shane yells back. 

Emma swings a leg out and trips Ilya over instead, causing Shane to be dragged down and collapse on top of Ilya. 

“See ya, sucker,” Emma says as she leaps over their tangled limbs. 

“This family is crazy,” Ilya huffs. “What the fuck.” 

“Do you see why I offered thirty grand?” Shane says quietly. 

“I might need to renegotiate my contract.” 

Due to being tripped, Shane and Ilya come dead last and, after crossing the finish line, end up tripping over again. 

“You guys alright?” Another one of Shane’s cousins comes bounding over. “Tough to lose to Emma.” 

“She runs track,” Shane grumps, “and she’s a dirty little cheat.” Shane unties their ankles and then pulls Ilya up off the damp grass. 

Ilya puts an arm around Shane and kisses him on the cheek. 

“He hates to lose,” Ilya says jovially to Sam. 

Shane huffs and crosses his arms. “I can’t believe we’ve only won the egg and spoon race. This whole competition is rigged and bullshit.” 

“Come on, turn your frown upside down, this is what I tell my class.” Shane can’t help but wonder if Ilya is finding all this losing business a little bit amusing. 

“Come on, give him a real kiss, that’ll cheer him up,” Emily suggests. 

Shane and Ilya lock eyes for a second, and Shane gives Ilya a tiny little nod, so Ilya gives Shane a big, loud, ‘mwah’ kiss on the lips. 

“Got to keep it PG for the family,” he says to Emily. 

Finally, it’s lunch time, and Shane has stopped feeling grumpy about being sorted into the dud Green team. 

“Look, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter,” Shane says as he grabs a plate to line up for food. 

“You are right. This is pretend, and you already have four Cups.” 

“Fuck yeah, I do,” Shane puffs his chest out and takes another calming breath. It’s just stupid games, he shouldn’t let it get to him so much. 

The line moves slowly; no doubt it’s Uncle Daniel doing his usual ‘oh, I’ll get the, uh… the… uhhh, wait’ as he reaches the window to the kitchen where the food is being served. 

“Smells like burgers. I love burgers,” Ilya says, trying to get a better look at what’s on offer. 

Eventually, they make it to the front of the line, and Shane steps forward to collect his food. 

But holy fucking shit. God almighty above, it cannot be. 

It cannot fucking be, there is no way, Shane must be having some kind of delayed CTE-induced hullucination. 

Because there, with a white apron, sparkly green nails, a micro-mullet and fucking porn-stache, stands Paul Baker. 

“I’m going to pass out,” Shane says as he looks at Ilya, his whole body filling with panic. 

“Oh my God, Shane! There you are! I knew I’d see you. Only a matter of time, as it is the Hollander family reunion, after all!” 

“Paul Baker!” Shane splutters ungracefully. “Oh my god, what the heck are you doing here?”

“Oh, dude, my visa got all fucked up, so I had to move home from the States. Your mom actually got me this gig!” 

“No way.” Shane really can’t believe his eyes. “But you were in New York right? How was that?” 

“Oh, dude, it was fucking sick! Hey, let me serve you this burger so we can keep the line moving, and I’ll come and find you later.” 

Oh, of course. The lunch line. Which now Shane is responsible for holding up. 

“Hi, I’m Ilya, Shane’s boyfriend,” Ilya says as he joins Shane to also get his own food. 

Paul Baker beams. 

“Oh my god, Shane, I didn’t know you were queer! That’s amazing! Put it here, both of you,” and Paul Baker holds his hand up for Shane and Ilya to take turns high-fiving. 

As soon as Shane and Ilya sit down at their table, Shane looks up at Ilya. 

“We have to break up, right fucking now.” 

Ilya blinks a couple of times. 

“Wait, what the fuck? What’s happening?” 

“That’s him,” Shane hisses. “Paul Baker was the crush I was telling you about on the plane. I’ve been in love with him my whole life, and he’s here!” 

Ilya pauses before speaking. 

“Shane, wait. You don’t even know if he is single. We can break up if you want,” Ilya cranes his neck to look towards where Paul Baker is still serving burgers, and Paul Baker waves a tong at Ilya and gives him a big smile. “Never mind, he is totally single and watching us.” 

“Oh my god. Oh my god,” Shane mutters. “This is all meant to be. He just happens to get kicked out of America, and now he’s at my family reunion. It’s fate.” 

“That your mother invited him to. But of course, I see what you mean. Definitely fate. Okay, tell me your plan—and quickly, because we are not going to be alone for much longer.” 

Shane worries his lip and tries to think logically, but nothing is coming to mind. 

“I… fuck! I don’t know! Ilya, I need him. You don’t understand how I felt about him. I wish I could have been out when I was younger. He’s fucking amazing. If there’s anything I can do to give it a shot with him—” 

“Leave this with me,” Ilya says quietly but firmly. “But for now, I am still your boyfriend, and I am going to make it very, very obvious that we are together. People want what they can’t have, and then when we break up, he will swoop in.” 

“That’ll work?” Shane says in disbelief. Ilya waves a hand.

“I saw it in a movie. Or maybe it was a book, I don’t know. But you are hot, and he is hot, and he is going to want you,” Ilya says confidently. 

“Fuck, Sam and Emily are coming,” Shane hisses. “Act normal.” 

“I am always acting normal. You look like a trembling goat.” 

“A goat? Wh— oh, hi guys!” Shane says as Emily and Sam sit down to join them at their table. 

After lunch, everyone scatters to go do their own thing for an hour before the Olympics resume, so Shane and Ilya end up back at the cabin. 

“I’m going to rest my eyes for a second,” Ilya says, lying back on the bed and throwing an arm over his face. 

“Okay, yeah, sorry if you’re all tired out. My family is a lot.” 

Ilya shrugs. “Shane, you are very lucky to have a big, beautiful family, even if they are a little bit crazy over kayak scavenger hunt.”

Shane remembers that Ilya is an orphan and immediately feels a little bit sick. 

“Yeah. Okay, you’re right. Sorry, I should be grateful.” 

“It is fine. I am going to think more about how we win over your crush, Paul Baker. Can we just call him Paul?” 

“Everyone calls him Paul Baker,” Shane says as he pulls out his phone. 

“Paul Baker,” Ilya repeats. “He seems nice.” 

Shane Hollander [13:44] 

SOS ROSE OH MY GOD PB ALERT PAUL BAKER IS AT MY FAMILY REUNION AHHH

Rose Landry [13:45]

PAUL BAKER IS YOUR COUSIN? 

Shane Hollander [13:45] 

???

Rose Landry [13:46]

SHANE IF HE’S AT YOUR FAMILY REUNION HE IS YOUR FAMILY!!!! I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM BUT IF YOU ARE RELATED YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T GO THERE, EVEN IF YOU CAN’T PROCREATE IT’S NOT RIGHT. I know love is love but I’m afraid I draw the line there. 

Shane Hollander [13:46] 

??? He’s not my cousin! He’s part of the catering staff!!

Rose Landry [13:46]

Oh thank god. I thought he was your cousin. Good that he’s not your cousin. OH MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

Shane Hollander [13:47] 

ILYA HAS A PLAN! We are going to keep fake dating and be like really cosy and cute in front of Paul Baker, make him super fucking jealous, then break up so that Paul Baker sees, and then hopefully he’ll swoop in and want me!

Rose Landry [13:48]

Were you dropped on your head as a baby

Shane Hollander [13:48] 

Oh come on! I think it could work! People want what other people have 

Rose Landry [13:48]

Just so you know I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe 

Shane Hollander [13:49] 

ROSE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE PAUL BAKER 

Rose Landry [13:49]

Do you love him or do you love to jerk off to him

Shane Hollander [13:49] 

????? I have loved him for my whole life why don’t you understand me 

Rose Landry [13:50]

With your permission, I am going to write a novel based on this whole situation

Shane Hollander [13:50] 

I do not give you permission 

Rose Landry [13:50]

I’ll change your name, you can be Hane Shollander 

Shane Hollander [13:51 

I can’t believe you’re mocking me at the most crucial point of my entire life 

Rose Landry [13:52]

You’re so dramatic. Shane! Break up with Ilya, tell Paul Baker you have feelings for him, and then fuck! 

Shane Hollander [13:52] 

But what if he doesn’t want me 

Rose Landry [13:53]

Oh he’ll want you, Shane you’re a total smokeshow and you’ll have insane sex 

Shane Hollander [13:54] 

Do you ever think it’s kind of problematic that you’re really into gay dudes 

Rose Landry [13:54]

??? Do not speak on this I will fujoshi how i please

Shane Hollander [13:54] 

God I wish I spoke Japanese

Rose Landry [13:54]

Go fuck your high school crush 

Shane Hollander [13:55] 

But I’m gonna make him jealous first 

Rose Landry [13:55]

Wait, are you still going to fuck Ilya again? 

Rose Landry [13:55]

Shane? 

Rose Landry [13:55]

SHANE. GIVE HIM ONE LAST RIDE. 

Rose Landry [13:55]

SHANE PLEASE

Despite Shane keeping an eye out the whole afternoon, Paul Baker hasn’t been near any of the Hollander Olympics shenanigans. However, as the pair of them trail in last to dinner (Shane having stayed late to argue with the sack race referee) Ilya immediately spots him in the serving window and gives Shane a nudge. Suddenly, Ilya’s arm is around Shane, and Ilya keeps leaning in to whisper things to Shane. 

“Now, when I pull back, I want you to giggle and look at me like I’m very funny,” Ilya says. 

Shane follows the instructions as best he can. Then Ilya stands behind Shane, drapes his arm over Shane’s shoulders, and whispers in Shane’s ear. 

“I am going for a kind of possessive-looking boyfriend. Can he see us?” 

Shane does his best to subtly check. He finds Paul Baker’s eyes on them from behind the salad station. 

“Yep, I just saw him look. It’s working!” 

“Now reach up and touch my face,” Ilya commands, so Shane reaches back to rub Ilya’s jawline. 

“Good, good,” Ilya whispers into Shane’s ear. “Okay, we should probably cool it or your Uncle Dean is going to start getting horny watching us.” 

After collecting their food—unfortunately, not served by Paul Baker, who has disappeared—Shane and Ilya sit at a table with the late-twenties to mid-thirties cousins. A moment later, Shane spots the back of Paul Baker’s micro-mullet go past the kitchen door. 

“Do you mind if I go—” Shane peers over Ilya in the direction of the kitchen and gestures with his chin. 

“Yes, go now,” Ilya urges. “We were last in the queue. They will be quieter now after the dinner rush.” 

Shane abandons his food and follows the micro-mullet to the kitchen’s walk-in cooler, where he finds Paul Baker, playing an actual honest-to-god Game Boy. 

“Oh! Hey, Shane,” Paul Baker says, looking up from his ancient little console. 

“Hey,” Shane says, trying not to sound shy and weird. “It’s so good to see you! Love the moustache, by the way.” 

Paul Baker strokes his porn-stache. 

“Thanks! I thought it went well with the mullet. So, you and your man, eh? Been together awhile? Kind of a serious thing?” 

Oh, god. Shane should really have thought this through. 

“Oh, yeah… I mean, no. Yes, we’re dating, but it’s not that serious or anything, he’s fine.” 

Paul Baker peeks past Shane out the kitchen door to where Ilya is sitting. 

“Must be pretty serious for you to bring him to a family reunion.” 

Shane shrugs. 

“My mom basically forced me to bring him. I don’t feel like I got a say. Enough about me! Uh, so, you’ll be in Ottawa? I visit Ottawa all the time.” 

“Oh, for sure, bud. Just need to get myself a job. Obviously, this gig here wasn’t my ideal scenario, with it being, like, four hours away, but when your mom asked me, I couldn’t turn her down.” 

“So you drove?” God, Shane can feel how boring this conversation is. Fuck! 

Think, Shane, think! 

“Yeah, in my truck,” Paul replies, and it looks like maybe he’s trying to work out why the fuck Shane came over here to talk to him in the first place. 

“It was really brave of you, being out at school,” Shane blurts out. “I came out about seven years ago, which was kind of terrible for my career, but I guess… well, I wish I would have been more comfortable with my sexuality when I was younger.” 

“Your work wasn’t cool with it?” Paul Baker asks. 

“No…” Holy shit, Paul Baker doesn’t know? “I used to play hockey professionally, and it turns out that that whole scene is kind of homophobic. Who knew?” Shane tries to make a lighthearted joke.  

“I’ve heard that, especially in the big leagues like the MHL.” 

MHL? He means MLH, right? Shane winces. 

“Sorry to hear coming out wasn’t a great experience for you,” Paul Baker seems to genuinely mean it. “Would have been crazy if we had both been out together at school.” 

“Yeah,” Shane chuckles and he can feel his cheeks heating up. 

“I had such an embarrassingly obsessive crush on you, back then,” Paul Baker says, like it’s nothing and not splitting Shane’s brain in half. 

“Oh?” Shane splutters. “No way, because I did too.” 

“Really makes you think, doesn’t it,” Paul Baker says. “Hey, look, it was great talking to you, but I gotta get back in the kitchen. Maybe if you’re ever around in Ottawa to see your folks, you could come say hi.” 

“I’d love that,” Shane smiles and then walks back to the table to rejoin Ilya. 

Ilya gives Shane a thumbs up with a questioning look, and Shane grins and gives Ilya a thumbs up back. 

“If you can beat me, I will give you all twenty dollars,” Ilya roars and the gaggle of children squeal. Ilya is up to his waist in the lake, and has spent the better part of the last twenty minutes inventing games to play with the various kids. 

“On your marks, get set— Wait! Shane! Watch that these little cheaters don’t cheat!” Ilya calls out. 

Shane, getting a little bit cold in the lake as the sun sets, watches on and calls back, “I’m watching!” 

Ilya lets the kids win, and suddenly four or five kids are clambering to climb onto him. “Go to Uncle Shane!” Ilya calls. “He has all our money!” 

The children splash over and tackle Shane, and Shane lets them dunk him under. 

“Okay,” Shane says finally, “tomorrow at breakfast, when I have my wallet, you can all come and find me to collect your prize, I promise.” 

An adult from the shoreline calls the kids to come in and get ready for bed, and they splash off reluctantly, moaning that they were having fuuuuuun. 

“You’re really great with kids,” Shane says, swimming out a little deeper to where Ilya is. 

“It’s my job,” Ilya says proudly. “My full time job, when I am not moonlighting as a fake boyfriend.” 

“I’m cold,” Shane shivers, and Ilya wraps his arms around Shane. 

“Is that better?” 

“Kind of? Or we could just get out of the water,” Shane suggests. 

They make their way back to the cabin, soaking wet with their towels over their shoulders. 

“You shower first,” Shane suggests, “I’m just going to check some emails.” 

Ilya grabs a clean towel and heads for the bathroom while Shane rummages through his bag to pull out his MacBook. However, in doing so, Shane happens upon the condoms and lube he had packed for the trip. Packed carefully under his spare sweater is also everything Shane needs to get prepped for penetrative sex.  

Shane recalls the way Paul Baker had looked at him when he had confessed his high school crush. There’s definitely a chance that he and Paul Baker could fuck. Shane starts to panic that he might not be ready for having penetrative sex with Paul Baker, on account of the fact that it has been literally years since he has gotten any action in that department. What if he gets nervous and it just sucks? 

With that in mind, more practice couldn’t hurt. And it had been really good last night. Would Ilya be willing to help him break this particular drought, too? Probably. 

Shane listens closely, and Ilya is literally singing to himself in the shower. 

Well… when in Rome, get fucked Roman-style, right? Shane carefully rolls what he needs into a towel so he can subtly sneak it into the shower after Ilya, and ever-so-casually places the box of condoms and the bottle of lube at the top of his bag, so it would be obvious to anyone (Ilya) walking by it. 

Game on. 

Chapter End Notes

OHHHH, not the fucking edging again! bother me and maybe i’ll update slightly sooner!! otherwise friday / saturday!!! WE ABOUT TO SEE THEM FUCKIN!!!!!!!

remember guys, Hollanov endgame always, and there will only be hollanov smut in the fic! OKAY???? OKAY!!!! i had to use another mechanism to move this plot along if we aren’t going to do miscommunication. WALK WITH ME.

leave me a comment! click kudos, click subscribe! i reply to comments :)

if you need smut in the meantime, i write a LOT of smut one shots. go check it out!

happy season 2 of adults to those who celebrate! i am certainly celebrating. PAUL BAKER I LOVE YOU.

long end note to be deleted after fic is completed:

hi geese you already know what’s up. 🪿🪿🪿 probably not a long one today bc i am up late trying to get this sorted to be posted in the future. today’s banger tune is one you might know, with a twist.

Mangetout - The Dare Remix, by Wet Leg and The Dare (who i saw on the same fuckin day!) absolutely a banger tune if you want to get your heart rate going at the gym!

im nervous guys!

i’ll be honest! like i get it, some people are going to be confused that i thought it would be fun to include an out of universe character in my fic. but now here i am, sitting in bed writing this note, and i am feeling real dread about posting? (maybe)

i just did not expect so many lovely readers for a wip (i know not everyone reads them) but i think the sheer scale has freaked me out! like oh my god hi everyone! hi! this is a silly story! ahh!! don’t take me too seriously! i’m doing this to escape my life !! aren’t we all.

BUT it means the WORLD to me that people read my stories (and long notes good god little frog put your ipad down) so hugs and kisses to you all xx your code word this time to put in a comment is ‘escape’, or goose, as usual, my gaggle.

anyways goes without saying but be kind to writers, we literally do this for the love of the game

stay sexy, stay classy.

PS i was on threads for 24 hours then my account got nuked? lol great! new account is frogisto4u come say hi

Chapter 6

Chapter Summary

Previously, on The Whole Package: The Hollander Family Olympics began, and we met Shane’s (now grown up) crush Paul Baker. Shane and Ilya think about a plan of how to help Shane get with Paul Baker, the Love of his Life™. Shane also decides he’s still too rusty sex-wise, and he schemes to see if Ilya will fuck him as practice.

This time: They Fuck! FOR PRACTICE! IT IS ALL PORN. LET’S GO!!!!!

Chapter Notes

A hopeful Shane emerges from the shower squeaky clean and ready for action. He pulls on his boxers, looks at his sweatpants on the tiles, and decides there’s no need to play coy. Ilya had said he was cool with fucking, so Shane can be brave and ask for what he wants, even if doing that makes him feel a bit stressed out. 

So Shane walks into the bedroom, carrying himself with as much confidence as he can. 

Ilya looks up from his phone and whistles. 

“I like the view,” he says. 

“When you said last night you’d be okay with us having sex again, did you mean it?” Shane asks before sitting on the foot of the bed. 

Ilya sits up straight. “I am very okay with it, are you suggesting we do it again? What we did yesterday?” 

“Yes, and—” Shane bends over to pull the box of condoms and bottle of travel-sized (under 100ml, TSA approved) lube out of his bag. “We could do more?” 

Ilya pauses for a moment. 

“Wait, is that why you had such a long shower?” 

Shane blushes and looks away. 

“Er, well… I didn’t want to assume, but I wanted to be ready, you know.” 

“Oh, I know. And so you have come to me, for more practice?” 

Shane smirks and climbs up the bed. 

“You might have to take it easy on me. It’s seriously been so long since I’ve been fucked.” 

“Your hole will be very tight,” Ilya nods sagely. 

“Well—” Shane is definitely beet red now, if he wasn't before. 

“Oh, you have lots of sex toys at home that you use?” Ilya beams at Shane. 

“Well, yes. Like, a normal amount of sex toys.” Shane happens to have a photo on his phone of all his toys, all laid out on the bed, but that is for insurance purposes only and he isn’t about to show Ilya. 

“Like a dildo, some little plugs, stuff like that?” 

“Yeah, something like that.” The collection is almost museum-worthy, but there’s no reason to brag. 

“So what are you worried about? You will be fine! I will be gentle, but you don’t have to be nervous.” 

“Okay,” Shane takes the box of condoms and the bottle of lube to the bed and sits them next to Ilya. “Uh, so, uh.” 

Fuck, why he is he so awkard at initating sex? Ilya is obviously a willing participant. 

“Kiss me,” Ilya says, and that’s an easy enough command to obey, so Shane drapes himself half over Ilya’s body, like he had the night before, and Ilya threads his fingers into Shane’s hair to pull him a little closer. 

“Relax,” Ilya whispers, “I will take care of you. You know how to do this.” 

Shane takes a deep breath and the kiss deepens. Ilya uses his other hand to give Shane’s beefy arm a squeeze. 

“You are so strong, fuck,” Ilya says, and Shane moans into the kiss. 

Shane realises that, once again, he’s rutting against Ilya’s thigh. 

“Does that feel good?” Ilya asks, pushing his leg against Shane’s dick a little. 

Shane manages a nod. 

“Let me know when you want to try something else.” 

They kiss and grind against each other for a little longer. Ilya’s hands travel up and down Shane’s bare back and he moans into the kiss, “Fuck.” 

“You want more?” Ilya asks.

Shane nods.

Ilya sits up, and Shane goes to follow him, but Ilya pushes him back down. 

“Let me get you ready,” he purrs.

“Oh, you don’t have to open me up, I can do that,” Shane says quickly, reaching for the lube. 

Ilya gives Shane a quizzical look. 

“You don’t like to be opened up by other people?” 

“Well, I— sure, I mean— I guess,” Shane stammers, “But that’s annoying for you, right? Who wants to do that?” 

“Who are these idiots you have been fucking?” Ilya mutters. “Unless you don’t want me to, I would like to open you up. I’ll make it feel good.” 

“Oh, okay,” Shane closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, and then looks down and lifts his hips as Ilya pulls his boxers off him.

“There we go,” Ilya says quietly, “Can you lift your knees up and open your legs? But keep your feet on the bed, yeah?” 

Ilya snaps the cap of the lube bottle open and pours some lube on his fingers, and then presses a finger to Shane’s hole, but he doesn’t push in just yet. Instead, he rubs gentle circles. 

“Yeah, relax for me,” Ilya says. 

Shane takes a deep breath again and does his best to follow the instruction. It does actually feel really nice; kind of like he’s being taken care of. 

Ilya slowly eases one finger in and fucks it in and out of Shane’s hole a few times. 

“Okay?” 

“Yeah, very okay,” Shane squeaks. 

Ilya adds another finger, and then crooks his fingers, apparently searching for that spot inside Shane that Shane is already deeply familiar with. 

“There,” Shane whimpers when Ilya rubs the right spot. “Right fucking there.” 

Ilya continues to rub that spot, pushing his fingers in and out, before slowly stretching Shane a little. 

“Doing so well for me,” Ilya murmurs, and Shane’s dick twitches. 

“Oh? You like being told you’re doing a good job?” Ilya says gently, like he’s actually interested in what turns Shane on. 

“Uh-huh,” Shane manages, “I really do.” 

“Well, you are doing very well for me, opening up so nicely for me.” 

Shane moans. Fuck, apparently this whole ‘praise kink’ thing is very real for him. 

Ilya eventually adds a third finger, and Shane winces at the initial stretch, but after a couple of minutes it’s feeling really nice. 

“I think I’m ready,” Shane announces. “Do you want me on my hands and knees?” 

“Is that how you prefer it?” Ilya asks. 

Shane shrugs. “It’s easy that way.” 

Ilya considers that for a moment. 

“How about this: lie on your side and pull a knee up to your stomach,” he says. 

“Wait, hold on,” Shane gets off the bed and Ilya eyes him with complete befuddlement. 

“You forget something?”

Shane pulls out a small pouch, unzips it, and then unfolds his travel-sized waterproof sex blanket. “So we don’t mess up the sheets.” 

Ilya’s jaw hangs open for just a moment. “You’re fucking kidding me.” 

“Move, get off the bed, let me put this down.” 

Ilya rolls off the bed, taking the opportunity to slip his underwear off, toss them onto the cuck chair,  and then roll on a condom. Shane shakes out the sex blanket and lays it down on the bed. 

“There,” he says, quite proud of himself. It would have been so annoying to have to sleep around the wet patch. 

“You are such a funny guy, Shane,” Ilya smiles and then lies back down on the bed. “Come on, on your side. I want to fuck you.” 

Shane lies on his side and pulls one knee up to his chest, and Ilya settles in behind him and squeezes some lube out, adding some more to Shane’s hole and then some to his own dick. 

“We can stop at any time,” Ilya says, his tip pressed up against Shane’s hole. 

“I don’t want to stop. Fuck, I’ve missed being fucked so bad. Come on.” 

So Ilya presses in very slowly and Shane whimpers. 

“There, that’s about half-way. Okay?”

“Oh, fuck. Feels big. Feels good. Keep going.” 

"You are so fucking tight. Fuck.” Ilya pushes in a little more and Shane gasps.

"So good, relax, yeah, like that. Breathe. Open up for me, like that, let me in," Ilya encourages and then pushes in all the way and holds very still.

Shane takes yet another deep breath as his body adjusts to feeling this full. Ilya pulls out and slowly pushes in again and Shane moans. 

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?” Ilya checks. 

“No. Well, not much, I’m good, keep going.” 

So Ilya starts up a steady rhythm and Shane moans again. 

“Like that… harder, though. Can you do harder?” Shane asks, reaching back for Ilya.

So Ilya holds Shane’s knee with one hand for leverage and fucks into him again, more forcefully this time. 

“Like this?” he checks. 

“Mmhmm, oh, fuck. Just like that. Keep going.” 

"I'll take care of you. Tell me if you want to change anything, okay?"

Ilya rolls his hips and fucks into Shane, again and again and again, gripping Shane’s knee tighter and pulling him back onto his cock. Shane arches into Ilya’s touch, and their bodies move together easily as they pant and moan. 

“Do you ever come just like this?” Ilya asks after a few minutes. 

“Sometimes, oh fuck— yeah, that’s the spot, fuck, please, please, feels so good, please,” Shane begs, not sure of what exactly he’s begging for, but more, more, more of whatever Ilya is doing would be perfect. 

“Here, roll over, on your back, it will feel good,” Ilya says as he pulls out. Shane follows instructions and holds the back of his thighs. Ilya gets between Shane's legs, presses his thighs up higher and then pushes back in. 

“God,” Shane moans, “fuck, it’s so deep, it’s so deep—”

“Is that the right—oh fuck— angle?” Ilya pants as he drives into Shane again and again. 

“Yes, fuck, Ilya, don’t fucking stop,” Shane pants back and arches into Ilya to take him as deep as he can. Like this, Ilya can fuck so much harder and Shane’s whole body is trembling as a tingly sensation builds in his core. Fuck, he can't last like this. Ilya is sweating from exertion as he pounds and pounds Shane.

"Fuck, harder, I can take it harder," Shane pleads.

"God you take me so well, fuck, Shane," Ilya speeds up his thrusts and fucks Shane harder and harder now, and Shane moans louder and louder as the feeling of pleasure builds and builds until he feels like it can’t possibly keep building. 

“Fuck, touch my dick, I’m wanna come, please, make me come, fuck—” Shane begs. Even though Shane could probably hold on a little longer, the overwhelming desire to come is too much.

Ilya’s hand moves between them to stroke him as he fucks Shane and god, it's so good. Ilya is hitting exactly the right spot inside and stroking Shane's cock as he fucks him.

“Does it feel good for you too?” Shane pants, hoping it feels even a little bit as close to how good it's feeling for him. Shane's body is buzzing as his impending orgasm starts to build.

“Yeah, so fucking good, I am trying not to come,” Ilya grits out. The admission makes Shane’s stomach clench and swoop wildly.

Ilya’s hand keeps moving on Shane’s dick and Shane moans and arches, pressing his shoulder blades back into the mattress.

"I'm so fucking close," Shane moans.

“Let me finish you off first. Come on, Shane, come for me. Fuck. I want to feel it. Come for me, on my cock,” Ilya says. 

And Shane can’t hold it back; no amount of endurance training could ever prepare him for being told to come. He moans as Ilya strokes him faster and faster until he’s right on the edge. 

“I’m gonna come, I’m right there, fuck, come with me, please Ilya—”

“Oh, fuck, are you—?” 

“I’m fucking coming,” Shane moans. He fights the urge to squeeze his eyes shut as he comes all over Ilya’s hand and clenches hard around Ilya’s cock, and Shane looks deep into his eyes as he moans and gasps for breath. Fuck, Ilya’s curls are a mess and his cheeks are pink and he’s panting and watching Shane and—

“Me too, oh fuck, fuck—” Ilya moans above him as he gives him another two or three thrusts. Ilya groans and pushes in all the way and his hips flex and press against the back of Shane’s thighs. 

Afterwards, Ilya gently pulls out and they lie next to each other, panting. 

“Holy fucking shit?” Shane manages to stammer out, and then he just starts laughing. 

“What is so funny?” Ilya rolls towards Shane and faces him. 

“I didn’t realise sex could feel like that. What the fuck have I been doing my whole life?” 

“That good, huh?” Ilya grins.

Shane giggles and rolls his eyes, but Ilya continues. 

“No, I’m teasing you. That was really, really good sex, Shane. So fucking hot. I was trying not to come for the last three minutes. I really thought I was going to shoot early.”

“Well, you managed to hold off just the right amount of time. Fuck, I’m beat! That was… insane. If I had known getting a fake boyfriend came with sex like this, I would have found one earlier,” Shane jokes. 

“I am not sure all the other boyfriend packages come with the same benefits,” Ilya sighs. “You just got lucky.” 

“I wouldn’t know,” Shane giggles. “Maybe I’ll have to try them all out and report back.” 

“Speaking of trying them all out, we still need a plan for you to get with the love of your life, Paul Baker.” 

Oh! Right! Paul Baker! The plan! 

“I’m open to suggestions,” Shane says. 

Ilya stands up and grabs some tissues out of a box on the bedside table to wrap up the used condom. He hands some to Shane so he can clean up his sticky stomach and thighs. 

“We need to break up so that he sees it. How are you at acting?” 

Shane hesitates. 

“I mean, you’ve seen my performance so far this weekend.” 

Ilya purses his lips. 

“Maybe I will do the heavy lifting on this one, yes? We need to have an argument, and then— Actually, do you want to dump me, or should I dump you? I don’t mind either way.” 

“You should dump me,” Shane says decisively. “More sympathy points with Paul Baker. And my mom, probably.” 

“Okay, hmm. I am trying to think of grounds to break up with you over.” 

They both sit for a moment, thinking hard. 

“Anything?” Shane asks Ilya after a moment. 

Ilya shakes his head. 

“Very hard to break up with you, you are such a nice guy.” 

“Har-har. Come on, Ilya, there’s got to be something.” Shane rubs his temples. 

“I can’t break up with you in front of your entire extended family for bringing a water-proof sex blanket on holiday.” 

“My sex blanket is genius!” Shane says defensively. “If you’d made me come on my side, the sheets would have been ruined!” 

Ilya laughs. “Okay, okay… how about that you are too dedicated to your work, and instead of having hot, hot sex with me, all you have been doing is checking your work emails.” 

“Yeah, that’ll do. Maybe leave the sex part out.” 

Ilya rolls his eyes. “Obviously. I am a professional fake boyfriend.” 

“Okay, so I’m too committed to work and I’m not showing you enough attention, something like that?” 

“Oh, yes,” Ilya grins, “It’s me or the job, Shane!” 

“I choose the job!” Shane bellows. 

“But what about me?” Ilya gasps and clutches his chest. 

“You knew what you signed up for when we started dating!” Wow. Shane can maybe do this. 

“Perfect,” Ilya laughs and claps his hands together once. “You’re going to nail it, and everyone will believe it, including Paul Baker.” 

“God, I hope so.” 

Chapter End Notes

wow, such amazing sex that you nearly lose sight of the plan to get with the Love of your Life™ Paul Baker? i’m sure.

remember that this story is hollanov endgame oh my god. in soooooo many fics shane or ilya have boyfriends, or even girlfriends, or get with someone else during a super-super angsty sad no-communication breakup, i’m not doing anything crazy here! in fact this is STILL a no angst all joy all communication fic! have faith.

comment! i’ll reply! subscribe! click kudos!

next time: the execution of the plan… here comes the plot. why is there plot in my porn? waiter! waiter! there’s—

i would like to give a shoutout to acuppajill: go check out their models of shane, ilya and paul baker on twitter, // OR here on threads. dude you are so fucking talented.

long end note to be deleted upon completion:

[a small frog nervously emerges from behind a normal sized ipad]

oh hi everyone, and a special hello to the geese! (geese? oh you’ve missed the last few author notes).

jesus christ there are a few of you! like i said last time, i did NOT think many people would actually read this goofy ass story, so if you are still here, ahh!! thank you!! thank you!!

song for this chapter: Victim of Luck by Metric. what a tune.

okay so there is no paul baker/shane smut in the next chapter. i was going to write it but then i was like oh no people will be horrible and throw rocks at me or something. however, i have gotten a LOT OF COMMENTS asking me if i would please consider doing some anyways. SO: for perverts only, (if you’re not a pervert please ignore), i will share some shane/paul baker smut when the fic is over, as a seperate work. just for fun. just because i can. just because some of you asked.

update: if you want the smut between shane and paul baker, go to chapter 8, click the comments and it is under the very first comment, hidden behind a spoiler tag. read at your own peril.

special secret comment code word is either goose or pervert. you can tell me that you’re not a pervert and i will believe you! i, for one, am a pervert. when i write smut i feel like i’m sitting in the cuck chair directing a naughty movie! wow wow!! asexual frog is pervert on main.

update is next tuesday/wednesday depending on your timezone.

stay sexy, stay classy.

Chapter 7

Chapter Summary

Previously, on The Whole Package: Shane and Ilya had mind-blowing practice sex.

This time: The plan to fake break-up is in full swing. Buckle up!🔝

Chapter Notes

Shane Hollander [23:12]

AHHHH ROSE!!!!! We just had sex!!!! And we came at the SAME TIME!!!!!!! 

Rose Landry [23:13]

Oh my god!! That's so fucking hot!!! So it was good!!?

Shane Hollander [23:13] 

It was so good! Holy shit it was sooooo good! I think I just needed some practice but I think I am ready to start having regular sex again now! 

Rose Landry [23:13]

How do you feel? 

Shane Hollander [23:14]

Ummm my hole is a little sore but I’ll be fine 

Rose Landry [23:15]

💀 I meant how do you feel, about everything. About your impending fake breakup and things with PB? 

Shane Hollander [23:15]

Oh! Good! 

Rose Landry [23:16]

I can’t believe I got more words about how your hole feels than how your heart feels. Jesus Christ. My fingers are crossed for you. Good luck Shanebug! 

Luckily, there aren’t as many events planned for Saturday, although the detailed family WhatsApp agenda sets out that everyone is meant to make an effort to ‘catch up’ with each other in the morning. 

So Shane and Ilya sleep in, then head to the mess hall for breakfast, and Ilya once again piles his plate high with bacon, eggs, breakfast sausages, hash browns and mini pancakes before dousing the whole thing in maple syrup again. Some of the little kids run over when they see Shane to claim their money from Ilya’s wager the night before. Thank god he still carries some cash. 

“So that this is believable,” Ilya says as they walk over to an empty table, “we should be crabby at each other. I’m going to talk to you, and you are going to stare at your phone and look grumpy at me.” 

“Okay.” Shane glances around in search of Paul Baker. He’s nowhere to be found. 

“It’s not just for his benefit,” Ilya says, like he can read Shane’s mind. “Your whole family needs to buy the story too, yes?” 

“God, my mom’s going to go straight back to nagging me about being single,” Shane grumbles. “I’m gonna have to avoid her.” 

“Yes! Give me that grumpy energy!” Ilya says, deadpan, before shrugging. “It was inevitable. Were you really going to stay with your fake boyfriend forever, eventually get fake-married without inviting your family, and never get caught?” 

Well, that’s a good point, isn’t it. 

“This ‘breakup’ will be like ripping off the bandaid,” Ilya continues as he shoves a whole rasher of bacon, dripping syrup, into his mouth in one go. “Or maybe, two birds, one stone. I am the stone, in this scenario, and possibly also both of the birds? Or maybe the breakup is the stone and I am the one throwing it at the birds—”

“Yeah, I get it, I get it,” Shane glances around nervously. “I feel kind of sick. I know it’s a fake breakup, but I haven’t really had a breakup for a long time.” 

Ilya sets his fork down. “Shane, look at me.”

So Shane looks over the table where Ilya is looking intently at him. 

“Please listen to me. I have had a very fun time, and I think you are a really, really, great guy. No matter what happens, whether you succeed with Paul Baker or not, whether your mother nags you or not, we will definitely stay friends, okay?” 

Shane swallows. 

“Okay. And you’re not saying that I’m a great guy just because I’m paying you to be here? I can take it if that’s the case, you know. I know I can be a little bit weird, and—”

Ilya shakes his head and holds up his hand. “You are a little bit weird, but it is in a very charming way. You are funny, you are competitive, you are gentle, you are—”

“Okay,” Shane gives Ilya a smile. 

“No smiling!” Ilya hisses, and Shane hastily schools his face into what he hopes is a frown. “And when we have our breakup, remember that it is for show, yeah? When we get back to Montreal, we can go out to celebrate your success with Paul Baker, or if it does not go well, I will commiserate with you.” 

Shane nods. 

“Okay. I’m going to start acting pissed at you now, but you’re an amazing guy too, Ilya. I still can’t believe you did this for me. I mean, I actually can believe it, because I’m paying you, but it’s been… you’ve been amazing.” Shane glances around, then whispers, “And the sex stuff has been awesome.” 

“Oh, one hundred percent. Very awesome.” Ilya fails entirely to repress a wide grin of his own. “Now, imagine that we are on rival hockey teams. Pretend I play for Boston, and we have been sat together at an event. I have recently cross-checked your favourite rookie player and broken his jaw. Also maybe pretend that I made a very misogynistic joke about Yuna.” 

Shane clenches his jaw as various ice hockey players from his past flash before his eyes. “That might actually work.” 

“Not only did you lose to me, it was a home game,” Ilya says, keeping his voice low. “And now your whole team is furious at me, because I am a dirty, dirty player. This game was supposed to be yours, and now the media is going to grill you.” 

“Oh god,” Shane feels his heart speed up. “Did I ever mention that I had such a bad time with all that that I had to go to therapy?” 

Ilya’s eyes go wide. 

“Oh! Fuck, I am not trying to trigger you. Jesus, I’m sorry Shane.” 

Shane swallows and rubs his hands up and down his thighs. “No, I’m fine.” Then, Shane schools his features, again. “Alright, I’m pissed at you now. I can’t believe you cross-checked my rookie.” 

“He had it coming,” Ilya sneers. 

Shane glares at Ilya. 

“Yeah, like that,” Ilya encourages. “But please do not start the fight until I have eaten more of my breakfast. These little sausages are—” he frowns down at his plate like he’s ready for a fight— “so delicious.”

They sit in silence while they eat their food, Shane checking the news and Ilya playing a game on his phone. 

“Now, I am going to push my chair back loudly and walk off,” Ilya says.

So, sure enough, Ilya gets up and loudly shoves his chair in so the feet scrape across the linoleum floor. He shoots Shane a nasty look and then stalks off in the direction of the lake. 

“Ilya, wait,” Shane half-heartedly calls out. 

Ilya doesn’t turn to look and walks even faster. 

Yuna appears next to Shane, giving Shane one hell of a fright. “Oh, Jesus. Hi mom.” 

“All okay?” She asks. 

Shane shrugs. This might be one of those occasions where you let your body do the acting. “I gotta go,” Shane grumbles, and he copies the way Ilya had shoved his chair loudly and stalks off in the opposite direction. 

As far as anyone else can probably tell, Ilya is nowhere to be found for the rest of the morning. However, Ilya texts Shane to let him know he is hiding in their cabin watching a movie on Shane’s laptop. 

Shane does his best to maintain a grumpy expression to sell the story, which isn’t actually that hard to do, because the whole humungous family reunion thing is already getting a bit much. Everyone is so loud, and all his uncles and aunts want to talk to him about is hockey, which is fine for a while, but that starts to wear thin too. They’re not even asking him about what’s currently happening in the league, and instead seem to be fishing for gossip. 

Finally, lunch time rolls around. 

Ilya Rozanov [12:28]

I am coming to lunch now. Are you ready to be dumped? 

Shane Hollander [12:28]

Ready as I’ll ever be 

Shane Hollander [12:28]

Oh my god, Paul Baker is here 

Ilya Rozanov [12:28]

Coming! 

Ilya joins Shane in line for lunch, but this time, they don’t hold hands or even look at each other. It feels kind of weird, after faking it for the last couple days. Ilya is genuinely such a stand-up guy, and giving him the cold shoulder feels miserable, even if it’s not real. 

Paul Baker is serving up chicken parm at the kitchen window. 

“Hey, guys,” Paul Baker says cheerfully. 

“Hey, Paul Baker,” Shane says, as glumly as he can manage, despite feeling like four hundred butterflies are fluttering around in his stomach. 

Ilya just grunts and looks away, crossing his arms dramatically. 

“...Oh, okay.” Paul Baker’s smile drops. 

Ilya rudely pushes in front of Shane to get his food, leaving Paul Baker and Shane standing face to face. 

“Everything alright there, bud?” Paul Baker asks. 

Shane shakes his head. 

“I don’t think so. I have a bad feeling that something terrible is about to happen.” 

Paul Baker’s eyes go wide. 

“Oh. That’s really ominous, Shane. Do you often experience premonitions like that? Like before a big storm or a natural disaster?”

Shane baulks at Paul Baker. What? That hadn’t been what he had meant. At all. 

“Oh, no, I mean between Ilya and me.”

“Oh!” Paul Baker smiles in relief, but then his smile falls away again. “He was kinda rude, just before.” 

Shane shrugs. “I’ll go talk to him. See you around?” 

“Yeah, for sure, bud,” Paul Baker says. 

Shane joins Ilya at a table in the centre of the mess hall, which is already feeling very dramatic and attention seeking, though he supposes that drama and attention is exactly what is required for this plan to work. Fuck. 

Ilya glares at his food, but taps Shane’s foot with his under the table, just once. 

“So, do you want to go fishing this afternoon?” Shane asks. Time to get the ball rolling. They had done a couple of rounds of improv the night before in preparation. Shane had confessed he absolutely would not go into a high-pressure situation without a plan. 

Ilya’s head snaps up, and Aunty Di and Uncle Peter, her husband, stare at them. 

“No. Shane, I do not want to go fishing. Have you even asked me, one time, what activity I would like to do?” 

“Well, you said you wanted to go hiking, and I suggested going hiking this morning, didn’t I, but you just wanted to play on your phone,” Shane accuses. 

“Play on my phone?” Ilya huffs. “Shane, I am over level nineteen thousand on Candy Crush! I need to play daily to keep my boosts. You know this!” 

“You’re such a child,” Shane snaps. “I can’t believe you turned down going on a hike just to— to… do that!” 

“If I am a child, then you are boring,” Ilya shoots back, loudly.

“I’m not boring, I’m responsible,” Shane insists. “At least one of us has to be the adult in this relationship, and it sure as hell won’t be you!” 

“Boys,” David Hollander appears, and it looks like he’s going to try and de-escalate the ‘fight’. Luckily, Shane and Ilya had practiced for this scenario last night. 

“All you do is work,” Ilya says, standing up and shoving his chair loudly. The whole mess hall is staring now. It’s working! 

“I only did two hours of work last night, and it was urgent,” Shane groans. “Come on Ilya, calm down. You’re making a scene.” 

“Calm down? No. I think you need to choose. Me, or your job.” Ilya delivers the absolutely insane ultimatum without stuttering. 

“That’s not fair!” Shane groans, “Come on, we can talk about this later. Sit down.” 

“No,” Ilya puts a hand on his hip. “I think we are over.” 

“Ilya—” Shane pleads. 

“Ilya,” David also pleads, “Hey, I know it’s overwhelming being around this many strangers. Let’s go talk, eh?” 

Shane glances towards the kitchen, and sure as shit, there’s Paul Baker, gawking at the entire scene.

“No, I do not think I want to talk.” Ilya crosses his arms, “I am done. We are done. Come talk to me when you have more work life balance. Or do not, I do not care.Ты очень хороший парень, и я отлично провел с тобой выходные. Твоя семья кажется очень милой, и я прекрасно провел время!” 

[“You are a really nice guy and I have had a very fun weekend with you. Your family seems really nice and I have had a great time!”]

“Oh, come on Ilya, don’t do this,” Shane pleads, not understanding a word of what has just been said.  

“Спорим, тебе бы понравилось, если бы я говорил с тобой по-русски в постели. Еще, еще, еще. Такая хорошая дырочка, такой хороший рот. Блять, с тобой так приятно трахаться.” Ilya says angrily.

[“I’ll bet you would love me speaking Russian to you in bed. ‘More, more, more.’ Such a good hole. Such a good mouth. Fuck, so good in bed, aren’t you?”]

Then Ilya stalks out of the lunch room. The entire room stays silent for another three seconds. Then someone drops a fork and instantly the whole room is abuzz with not-very-hushed commentary. 

Shane grabs his plate of food and marches straight down to the lake to eat by himself. 

Shane Hollander [12:28]

Wow, that was really dramatic. 

Ilya Rozanov [12:28]

I left my food behind! Fuck! That parm looked really good. 

Shane Hollander [12:28]

Oh shit, hold on, I’ll come back to the cabin. 

Shane walks back to the cabin to find Ilya sitting on their bed. 

“Here, you can have mine, I’ve barely touched it. I can go get second helpings. Sympathy points and all.” 

“You’re a lifesaver, Shane,” Ilya says as he takes the plate and starts eating. 

“I re-booked your flight, by the way,” Shane says, checking his phone. “It’s not until 6:00PM, so you don’t have to leave until three, but I also booked you lounge access so you can hang out there and eat the free food and drink cocktails. Sound okay?” 

“Not a problem,” Ilya says, still eating. “I’ll pack up my things. Should I order an Uber?” 

“I’ll order it for you. And when you land back in Montreal, just let me know how much the Uber from the airport is and I’ll square up with you later.” 

They’re both quiet for a moment. 

“It really has been a fun couple of days,” Ilya says finally. “I wish you all the best with Paul Baker. It’s so hard to make friends as an adult. This has been… kind of amazing.” 

“I agree,” Shane gives Ilya a smile.

An hour later, Ilya leaves in an Uber for the airport. Shane goes down to the lake to plan his next move. However, as fate would have it, who should show up: none other than Paul Baker himself. He’s changed out of his work clothes and is wearing a purple sweatshirt. 

“Oh, there you are,” Paul Baker says, “I’ve been looking for you. Mind if I take a seat?” 

“Be my guest,” Shane replies, and Paul Baker sits down in the grass next to him. 

“So that was rough,” Paul Baker says. “Are you, like, okay? That might have been the most awkward breakups I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and to do it in front of your whole family? And then when he told you to choose your job or him? And then when he started ranting in Russian—” Paul Baker gestures his brain blowing up and does the sound effect. “I would have cried.” 

“Yeah,” Shane sighs. “God, what a day, huh?” 

“I’ll say. I mean, I’m just on the sidelines, but this whole family reunion thing seems like a lot even for Hollanders, I’ll bet, let alone partners. But still, his response is his responsibility, and he didn't have to do it in front of your entire extended family, eh.” 

“I kind of feel like I need a break from my family after that,” Shane admits sheepishly. “I’ll bet they’re all talking about me. Hey, you have your truck on site, right?” 

“Oh my god, I have a great idea,” Paul Baker beams. “so, I’m free until four-thirty. We should go for a drive, give you some space from everyone. My friend Frank has put out some cool music—you’ll really like it, I’m sure, especially with what you’re going through.” 

“Aww, thanks, Paul Baker,” Shane says as he bravely leans against Paul Baker’s arm. Paul Baker reaches over to rough up Shane’s hair a little. “You’ll be alright, for sure, bud.” 

Turns out ‘Paul’s friend Frank who makes music’ is Frank Ocean, who Shane actually has heard of, thank you very much. They drive for a while in Paul Baker’s beat up F-150 truck, chatting about random stuff. It turns out that Paul Baker describes his sexuality as fluid, and can’t really elaborate further than that. Also, apparently when he was in the States, he once helped shelter a pregnant girl who had to go to New York to get an abortion, and has quite a few interesting stories about the guest from out of state. They drive and chat until they get to a look-out point, and Paul Baker puts the truck into park. 

“Do you feel any better?” Paul Baker asks. 

Shane nods. 

“I feel good when I’m with you. I always did, you know, even when we were teenagers. You were always kind to me. Do you remember when I sprained my ankle?” 

“I do!” Paul Baker exclaims. “You were so stressed you weren’t gonna be able to play hockey.” 

“You carried my gear bag out to my mom’s car. I think that’s when I started liking you.” 

Paul Baker looks closely at Shane and his tongue wets his lower lip. 

“So you liked me, for real, back then? You weren’t just saying that yesterday because I said it first?” 

Shane swallows and takes a deep breath. This is it. 

“Paul Baker, I don’t know if I ever stopped liking you.” 

Paul Baker’s hand brushes against Shane’s where it’s sitting on the centre console. Shane flexes his hand and then opens his palm. 

“I think… I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen,” Paul Baker says, blinking slowly and then running his other hand nervously through his micro-mullet before putting it into Shane’s. “Do you ever wonder what we could have been?” 

“Yeah,” Shane breathes, and they both lean in towards each other until their faces are close. 

“Can I kiss you, or is that kind of fucked up?” Paul Baker asks, but then immediately starts to panic. “Oh my god it’s kind of fucked up, isn’t it,” 

Shane smiles and looks down. 

“Maybe it is, but I want this. I want you. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.” 

So they both lean in and their lips meet in a kiss. 

Shane Hollander [21:22]

Okay so I just kissed Paul Baker and also we kind of did hand stuff in his truck?

Rose Landry [21:23]

HAND STUFF IN HIS TRUCK JESUS SHANE YOU ARE A GROWN MAN. WAIT HOW WAS IT

Shane Hollander [21:23]

Yeah so here’s the thing. It was kind of okay? But do you think it was only kind of okay because it was just hand stuff?

Rose Landry [21:24]

I don’t know Shane, you’re the one who did the hand stuff. Wait, how was the kiss?

Shane Hollander [21:24]

Like, good?

Rose Landry [21:24]

Convincing 

Shane Hollander [21:24]

No it was good!

Rose Landry [21:24]

Glowing review

Shane Hollander [21:25]

Okay I’m kind of panicking why was the chemistry a bit meh

Rose Landry [21:25]

You probably hyped it up in your head too much. Did he like it?

Shane Hollander [21:25]

Yes. Maybe. Fuck. I don’t know. Maybe? 

Rose Landry [21:25]

Wait I’ll talk later my agent is ringing me! Confidentially did you know they’re doing a reboot of where the wild things are?

Shane Hollander [21:25]

Rose remember how NDAs mean you can’t tell me shit like this

Rose Landry [21:26]

Oh yeah okay delete that

Shane Hollander [21:27]

Hope you’re home safe!

Ilya Rozanov [21:28]

I am. Turns out they let you drink as much as you want in the fancy airport lounge so I had a great time, and they were serving pasta yay 🤠 

Shane Hollander [21:29]

Oh that sounds fun! So, I have an update, but I kind of need your help still. 

Ilya Rozanov [21:30]

Sure! Did you fuck PB?? I bet his dick is big

Shane Hollander [21:31]

We kissed and did hand stuff. 

Ilya Rozanov [21:31]

How was it? In the cabin?

Shane Hollander [21:31]

No we went for a drive together and then we kissed, and then we climbed into the backseat and we kissed and then jerked each other off. That’s basically it. He has a normal sized dick btw.  Like big-normal?

Ilya Rozanov [21:31]

Ah shame we didn’t practice hand jobs, maybe you have practiced it on your own enough to be an expert! You wanted my help though?

Shane Hollander [21:32]

Haha. Yeah, well, the chemistry was kind of… not there? After we did hand stuff we kind of just… sat there. But I’m pretty sure I still like him. What would you do?

Ilya Rozanov [21:33]

Don’t panic! Chemistry sometimes takes a little bit. Maybe you were both a little nervous because our breakup was so dramatic and stuff

Shane Hollander [21:33]

So just because it was just an okay kiss and hand stuff doesn’t mean there’s no future?

Ilya Rozanov [21:33]

If I was you, and I really liked the guy, I would try again, yes. Maybe try more than hand stuff! We both know you are good in bed, set yourself up to succeed! 

Shane Hollander [21:34]

Okay that’s actually really really helpful. 

Ilya Rozanov [21:34]

We might have fake broken up, but I am still on the clock, boss! 

Chapter End Notes

chemistry takes a little bit, eh? hmmm! update: if you want the smut between shane and paul baker, go to chapter 8, click the comments and it is under the very first comment, hidden behind a spoiler tag. read at your own peril.

yeah yeah yeah i know… okay? okay! please be kind it’s just a story!

from shane’s POV he has daydreamed about paul baker for 17 years (since he was fifteen!!) so yeah he’s leaping into action! in his mind, paul baker being at the reunion is ‘fate’. BUT don’t forget the good times he’s had with ilya… nice for him to have a (high) benchmark to compare to…!!

ps i know frank ocean’s name isnt frank. it’s christopher.

leave me a comment! kudos! anything! do you know how to leave a gif as a comment? thoughts on the fake break-up? predictions? i’ll update over the weekend, xoxo, frog.

if you need smut in the meantime, i write a LOT of smut one shots. go check it out!

end note to be deleted on completion of the fic:

okay so this is the chapter where i decided not to write the smut lol so if you’re displeased with then let me know but be kind heehee. i don’t think i’ve really done fade to black before but there is a first time for everything i guess.

my song for the chapter is a cover of a song by paul baker’s close personal friend frank (and my close personal friend pheobe): White Ferrari x I Know The End by Erin LeCount (cover of two songs smashed together!)

give it a listen! do you like it? i love Erin LeCount! she is so talented!

okay who amongst us hasn’t had weird car sexy times? (frog raises hand) (frog looks around) (frog lowers hand). sexy stuff in the car is almost always weird as fuck right? like you’re too cramped and it’s warm and it’s messy and the seats aren’t made for alllll that. yeehaw. for the people who can stomach it, this missing scene is going to be sooooo awkward. (guys the smut is posted but as a long comment on chapter 8)

so comments and questions:

thoughts on fake break-up??? thoughts on car sex? yes or no. are you a pervert who wanted to see hand stuff between paul baker and shane? have you had a crush that lasted for more than five years?

also!!! i can’t believe this fic is nearly done guys. like what in the fuck? where did all the time go? i’m excited to see more paul baker fics coming out too. yay yay!

i’m considering my options for an epilogue so when the fic is done please stick around for more shenanigans! 🪿

stay sexy, stay classy.

Chapter 8

Chapter Summary

Previously, on the Whole Package: Shane and Ilya fake break up, and Shane and Paul Baked get it on in the backseat of Paul Bakers truck. Also it sucks. Why is there no chemistry??

This time: More Hollander Family Olympics and Paul Baker. And maybe a lightbulb moment…

Chapter Notes

Shane wakes up and finds that he has slept on ‘his’ side of the bed, despite the fact that Ilya is gone. 

His stomach feels a little bit queasy, probably from the stress of having to play pretend break-up for the whole day yesterday, and then the (slightly) disappointing date with Paul Baker. But today is a new day, so Shane puts on his guided meditation and sits on the carpet, grounding himself and practicing his affirmations. 

Unfortunately, the serenity does not last, because there is a knock at the door. 

“Shane? Are you in there?” Yuna calls. 

Fuck. 

“Yeah, just a second,” Shane calls back, scrambling to yank on his jeans and pull on a T-shirt. He takes a big deep breath and walks to answer the door. 

“Oh, Shane,” Yuna says with a sigh. “Are you okay? I tried to find you last night—you didn’t come to dinner?” 

“I, uh—” Shane had indeed skipped dinner, deciding to eat a couple of protein bars and a packet of popcorn while he watched hockey on his laptop. Part of him did that because the thought of him being stared at by his entire extended family made him feel gross, but also part of him was just feeling sick of people. He also had wanted to process the whole Paul Baker kiss-and-hand-job experience. “I just needed to be alone,” Shane says. 

“I get that, honey,” Yuna reaches forward to rub Shane’s arm. They’ve never been a touchy family, so Shane tries not to grimace at the physical touch. “So… he’s gone?” 

“He, uh, yeah he left yesterday. I ordered him an Uber to the airport.” Shane nervously chews his lip. 

“And how are you holding up? Do you really think it’s over? I didn’t hear all of it but it sounded like you guys had a disagreement that got a little bit out of hand.” 

Shane rubs his neck. 

“If it’s all the same to you, I don’t feel like talking about it. Is that alright?” 

Yuna frowns. 

“Couples fight sometimes, Shane. He seemed like such a nice guy, and you guys seemed so happy together. It was nice to see you smiling.” 

“He is a nice guy,” Shane says, maybe too quickly. “But it’s over. Maybe we’ll stay friends. I don’t know.” 

Yuna sighs. “Okay. You need to eat breakfast, especially if you skipped dinner. You—” 

“I’m a fully grown adult, mom.” Shane clenches his jaw. “I can take care of myself, alright?” He says more gently. 

“Okay, Shane.” 

Shane heads to the mess hall to eat breakfast. As he lines up, he sees one of his cousins’ kids pouring glugs of maple syrup all over her food and can’t help but think of Ilya. Shane looks around for a minute, but he doesn’t see Paul Baker, so he heads to sit down. 

“How are you holding up?” Sam asks him when he takes a seat. 

“I’m okay,” Shane looks down at his carefully assembled platter of fruit. 

“I gotta say, I didn’t see that coming,” Emily says. “You guys just seemed so solid.” 

“Yeah, well,” Shane doesn’t know what to say to that. They’d obviously been playing the fake boyfriends almost too well. “Look, I don’t know. Relationships are complicated” 

“Maybe he just had a really bad day, got too stressed out from everything?” Emily shrugs. “The Hollanders are a lot.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Shane peers towards the kitchen when he sees someone with brown hair walk past the window. It’s not Paul Baker. Damn. 

“Have you talked to him?” Sam asks. 

“Who?” Shane replies, still trying to see into the kitchen. 

“Ilya,” Sam says. 

“Oh, uh,” Would he have? If they had broken up after being together for eight months? Shane isn’t entirely sure what the correct answer is so he takes a guess. “Yeah. He got home safe.” 

“Well it’s a good sign you’re still talking,” Emily says hopefully. “Sam and I broke up three months into dating, but we got back together. It might not really be over.” 

“Yeah, okay. Maybe. I don’t know,” Shane says, sneaking yet another glance towards the kitchen. “What’s on today’s agenda?” 

An hour later, Shane is holding Sam’s legs as Sam holds a plank position, readying themselves for the wheelbarrow race. 

“I’m so glad we only have to do this every twenty years,” Sam says, twisting around to talk to Shane. 

“God, I’m getting a little bit over this. I’m looking forward to going home tomorrow,” Shane says, maintaining his firm grip on Sam’s calves. 

“You guys are going down,” Emma, the twelve year old cousin who had tripped Ilya on the first day of the games, sneers. 

“Oh yeah?” Shane sneers back. “Sam’s arms are longer than yours, and we aren’t cheaters.” 

“Cool it, Shane,” Uncle Dwight calls out, “she’s just a kid.” 

Shane glares at the grass. God, he is so fucking over this. 

“On your marks, get set, go!” Aunty Diana calls out, and Sam immediately starts moving with Shane holding on tightly behind him. 

“Go! Go Shane and Sam! Go!” Emily yells. 

Sam and Shane manage to scrape a win, but Shane doesn’t feel like celebrating. Team Green is still going to come dead last. He fucking hates losing. Ilya probably would have had a funny comment to add to the mix, but he’s not here. 

After lunch, Team Green and Team Purple go head to head in the mud tug-o-war. Shane huddles around with his squad and decides to use his well-honed leadership skills from being a captain to give the team a pep talk. 

“Look, I know it doesn't matter if we win or lose, we aren’t going to win overall, but we should try our best. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly want to go in the mud. Uncle Dean, would you go in the middle, I’ll go up front with Sophie behind me. Aunty Sarah, would you go by Uncle Dean? Sam, stick with me.” 

Shane manages to sort a line up, and everyone approaches the thick rope with a red ribbon tied on it, lying over a wet, muddy trench. Another win would be nice. Not going in the mud would be nice.

“We’ve got this,” Sam says. 

They line up and get ready to start the tug-o-war. Shane grips the rope hard and Auntie Diana calls “Go!”. 

And it looks like they’re going to win! Team Green heaves and hos and heaves and hos, and they’re going to take the win! 

But then someone slips, probably Uncle Dean, and all of Team Green gets catapulted forward and into the mud. Shane lands face first in a murky puddle, having kept his grip on the rope as he lurched forward. 

“F—udge!” Shane almost curses. 

Sam offers Shane an equally muddy hand and pulls him up. 

“Unlucky. We’ll get them next time.” 

“Hopefully many years down the line,” Shane says ruefully.

Shane looks down, and his entire front is drenched in mud, and he can feel that it’s all over his face. Even if this wasn’t the last event, Shane would have been done with the Hollander Olympics anyways. What a stupid fucking concept, who the fuck even does this with their extended family? 

So Shane graciously shakes hands with the winners—wiping most of the mud off his hands first—and then quietly fades away from the crowd of his family members. 

He’s trying to breathe through the uncomfortable feelings of failure, staring at the ground as he stomps towards his cabin, when he nearly walks straight into Paul Baker. 

“Oh, hey, bud!” Paul Baker calls cheerfully. “You’re filthy.” 

And, you know what? Shane needs a win. He remembers what Rose and Ilya had said the night before. 

“Hey, Paul Baker,” Shane says back, as cheerfully as he can manage, but still not quite matching Paul Baker’s effortless, easygoing tone. 

“You’re, uh, done for the day, I guess?” Paul Baker gestures to the mud caked all over Shane’s clothes and skin.

“Yeah,” Shane gives Paul Baker a grin. “I’m actually about to go have a shower.” 

An idea strikes Shane. Fucking Bingo. 

“When’s your next shift?” Shane asks, doing his best fuck-me-eyes straight at Paul Baker. 

It seems to work because Paul Baker stutters slightly. 

“Uh, oh, four-thirty. Why?” 

Shane leans in closer to Paul Baker. “I’m in cabin 1410. Let me get cleaned up, and come and find me. I think we’ll find something to do together.” 

It doesn’t come out as smooth as Shane had hoped, but it works, because Paul Baker’s eyes go wide. 

“Oh. Yeah! I’ll, uh, be twenty minutes. I’m going to go and wash up real quick. Cabin 1410. Okay. Right. I’ll see you really soon!” 

Paul Baker takes off running towards the staff cabins. 

Well! That hadn’t been so hard. 

Shane smiles to himself as he walks back to his cabin. He’s going to do it. He’s going to let Paul Baker fuck him. 

Shane has his pre-penetrative-sex preparatory shower and then stands in the steamy bathroom. He wipes some condensation off the mirror with his towel and looks at himself. 

“This is it, Shane,” he says out loud to himself. “You’ve got this. You’ve practiced. You’re good in bed. You’ve jerked off about this your whole life. You can do it.” 

Saying affirmations aloud is proven to be effective, especially in a sports psychology context, so he figures it can’t hurt in this case. 

Shane riffles through his clothes. It feels presumptuous to only wear his underwear, but then, getting dressed also feels insane. With a bit of luck, he’s literally about to get naked. So Shane takes a deep breath and pulls on a T-shirt and shorts. He goes back into the bathroom to brush his teeth, but then pauses. If he sucks Paul Baker’s dick, he doesn’t want to accidentally give him mint burn on his dick. (He’s not sure if this is a real thing. It might be a real thing?) Shane opts to brush his teeth with water only, just in case, and then sits on the end of the bed waiting and waiting as the minutes tick by. Luckily, the sex towel hadn’t got dirty when he and Ilya had fucked, so he makes sure that is nearby in case they get down to business. 

But god, Paul Baker is taking his sweet-ass time. 

Another ten minutes later, Paul Baker knocks on the door, and Shane lets him in. 

“Hey,” Shane says after closing the door. “So glad you agreed to come over.” 

Paul Baker’s ears are a little pink, and he smells like body wash. “I’m glad you asked me.” 

Shane leans in, and then he and Paul Baker are kissing. Shane pushes Paul Baker up against the wall by the door and Paul Baker moans quietly into the kiss. 

“Wait—” Paul Baker says, pulling back into the wall and breaking the kiss. “I just wanted to say something. I feel like yesterday, in my truck, that wasn’t my best work, or whatever, so I’m really glad you’re giving me another chance. I thought I blew it.” 

Shane smiles and sighs happily. 

“Okay, I’m so glad you said that, because I was panicking too. I think I just had an off day. Let’s pretend it didn’t happen and start fresh.” 

Shane pushes Paul Baker back up against the wall and then they’re kissing again, now with Shane’s thigh slotted between Paul Baker’s legs. 

Eventually, Shane leads them over to the bed and lies down, pulling Paul Baker’s long, lanky body on top of his own. They continue to kiss, and then Paul Baker rolls them over so Shane is on top. 

It feels… fine? Maybe better than yesterday. Maybe. Like yeah, they’re kissing, but it’s not catching fire and turning into anything else yet. They need to give it time, probably, Shane thinks. 

They keep kissing and Paul Baker’s porn-stache is starting to irritate Shane’s lips a little, so Shane pulls back. 

“So,” Shane begins, trying his best not to be awkward as fuck, “Do you want to do more?” 

Paul Baker gives Shane a nod. “Yeah, sure. How do you want me?” 

Shane’s not really sure what Paul Baker means by that, so he pulls off his T-shirt to stall for time. Paul Baker does the same, throwing his on the cuck chair, so now they’re both sitting there shirtless. Neither one of them moves. 

“I’m not picky, I could go on my back?” Shane suggests tentatively and his voice breaks embarrassingly on the last syllable. Ugh, it’s feeling a little awkward. 

“Oh, yeah,” Paul Baker rolls over so he’s kneeling on the bed. “I’ll ride you.” 

Wait, what? 

Paul Baker undoes the fly on his jeans and pulls them off, then awkwardly rolls around so he can sort of kick them and flick them onto the floor. Shane just watches, trying to work out what’s going on. 

Paul Baker then reaches for the lube on the bedside table. 

“Should I get started, or do you want to do this part?” 

“You can do it,” Shane says, and he quickly pulls his shorts and underwear off. Leaning over the bed, he quickly folds his clothes before turning back around. 

But Paul Baker is also naked now, and he’s kneeling on the bed and has a hand behind himself, almost like he’s—

“Wait, you wanna bottom?” Shane says, in disbelief. 

“Well, yeah, I always bottom?” Paul Baker’s hand stops moving. “Maybe I’m in the wrong here for making an assumption, but I just assumed you’d top, you know. I mean— oh fuck, my bad for assuming. I really should know better.” 

Oh, wow. It’s been years since Shane has faced top allegations. 

“Oh no, I don’t tend to do… that. Ever.” Shane says. 

A look flashes across Paul Baker’s face and he goes very still. “...Neither?” 

“You’re a bottom?” Shane splutters.

“Yeah.” Paul Baker says dumbly. 

“I thought you were fluid?” Shane says, also dumbly. 

“Yeah, I am, but that’s different. That’s about attraction. I only bottom, with all genders,” Paul Baker says plainly. “Wait, if we’re both douched and dangerous, then who the fuck is driving the bus?” 

That does it. Shane fucking loses it. He laughs and he laughs until tears are rolling down his face, falling on the bed as he buries his face in his hands. Paul Baker is also cackling, and they lie there, completely naked and completely soft. 

“Oh, god,” Shane wheezes, “I’m sorry, Paul Baker. I feel like I’ve loved you my whole life but—” 

“No, no, me too,” Paul Baker wheezes back. “I just can’t. I mean, I don’t think we’re compatible.” 

Shane sighs, his stomach hurts from laughing. “Can I be honest?” 

“Honesty is the best policy, or so I’ve heard,” Paul Baker says back as he pats around the bed looking for his underwear. 

“I think I knew when we were kissing that this wasn’t going to work.” 

“Right?!” Paul Baker sounds genuinely relieved. “It kind of doesn’t make sense, because you’re hot, but my body was just like—” Paul Baker gestures a plane nose diving, “the longer it went on.” 

“Oh, god,” Shane groans. “Oh well. At least now I know and I don’t have to spend the rest of my life wondering about what-if.” 

“How’s your ex-boyfriend?” Paul Baker asks, seemingly out of nowhere, and fuck it, Shane is done with the lies. 

“We weren’t really going out. He’s my neighbour. I paid him to come here and pretend to date me to shut my mom up, and then we fake broke up when I saw you were here.” 

Paul Baker raises his eyebrows. 

“Oh! Wow! That’s kind of fucking crazy, eh?” 

“It’s really fucking crazy,” Shane agrees. 

“No, I mean, your chemistry with him seemed crazy, especially if you weren’t even dating. There’s something there, right?” 

Shane freezes. Huh. That’s a good point. 

“Maybe. Yeah, you could be onto something there, but we were just pretending,” Shane says, getting his own underwear back on. 

“So you didn’t fuck him?” Paul Baker says as he pulls on his shirt. “I would have.” 

“Oh, we fucked,” Shane chuckles. 

“How was it?” Paul Baker asks. “How was…it?”

“The sex was insane, and it—” Shane holds out his hands to indicate the side of Ilya’s big, beautiful dick. 

“And you’re sure there’s nothing there? Between you guys? Or maybe there could be something?”

Shane thinks about it. “Maybe. I’d have to talk to him.”

“Well, I’m wishing you the best, no matter who you end up with. If you come home for Christmas, let's go play some pond hockey. I got some insane goalie gear on Kijiji. Would be nice to practice with someone who’s actually nasty at hockey,” Paul Baker says as he gets off the bed. 

Shane laughs.

“Sounds good, Paul Baker.” 

The next day, after saying goodbye to everyone and weathering the last few unsolicited opinions on his life from his mom, Shane gets in the car to drive to Toronto Airport and calls Rose on hands-free. 

“Hey Shanebug, was wondering when I’d hear from you!” Rose says, and Shane has to adjust the volume so her voice isn’t far too loud in the small car. “How did it go with Paul Baker? Did you go for round two?” 

“Well,” Shane smiles at the memory, “we tried. Turns out we’re both bottoms.” 

The speakers crackle as Rose screams a laugh. 

“What the actual fuck! Are you kidding me? That’s crazy! Wait, how did that come up? Are you sure it’s not a situation that could be solved with the double-ended dildo?” 

“No! No, I don’t think that would, er, fix it. We, uh, turns out we were both—wait, let me try and remember what Paul Baker said. It was so funny, something about being dangerous—”

“Douched and dangerous?” Rose guesses, and then just keeps on cackling. 

“Yes!”

“Oh my god, so you both got into bed and faced away from each other and waited for the other person to get to work?” 

“Not quite,” Shane groans. “But almost. Basically that.” 

“Oh my god, Shane, I’m so sorry,” Rose wheezes, “I really am sorry. It must be kind of insane to go your whole life fantasising about someone, and then when you finally get with them, it’s just, like, I don't know, a complete nothingburger.” 

“It was one hundred percent a nothingburger,” Shane says back, hoping he’s using the term correctly. “We talked about it, and there’s just no spark there. If we tried, I think we would just be forcing it.” 

“Aww. So what’s next, then?” 

“I told Paul Baker that me and Ilya were fake dating,” Shane blurts out. 

“Oh? And?” 

“Well, he said Ilya and I had amazing chemistry, which I guess we do. He thinks I should try it with Ilya, you know, for real.” 

“And that’s what I’ve been saying!” Rose squeaks. 

“You’ve never once said that!” Shane insists. “Not once! And you’re meant to be my guru for this shit!” 

“Okay, yeah, well, maybe I forgot to say it out loud, but I was thinking about it! So what’s the plan?” 

Shane smiles to himself. 

“I’m going to go find him as soon as I get home.” 

Chapter End Notes

YOU GUYS WE ARE NEARLY FINISHED WITH THIS FIC??? final chapter to be posted in like three or four days and then we are done! remember to read the silly end notes because after they’re deleted they’re never coming back.

here is a meme made by Wyctmcdgtrsia:

please comment! please click kudos! please share :)))

DO NOT UNSUBSCRIBE when i finish this fic if you want to see the epilogue. the epilogue will come. it may take some time though because my real life is kicking my ass!!

in the meantime, go check out my other one shots for more nasty porn and goofy stories. i do both! i contain multitudes!

---

long end note to be delete upon completion:

oh my god i am so tired of typing Paul Baker again and again jesus fucking christ! this bit is funny but my god. anyways To Me paul baker is a bottom don’t come for me. i am not spoiling the show adults, this is just my own thoughts on the matter because its funniest for my fic.

okay so building someone up in your head for years and turns out they’re just a goofy person is my personal experience, and also appears to be the person experience of many of you too so isn’t that funny.

here is a thought i’ve had recently: i’ve been actively (oh god) less active (sure) on social media with my work being insane and it’s been really good for my brain. potentially we could all learn from paul baker and get off the internet (as far as algorithm generated content) and we would feel better. funny that the websites that suck the most time and joy out of my life tend to be ones that favour outrage! so yeah hard launch of me being less online i guess. i’m also heading away (rejoice!) for a little bit so that will be good for me.

ALSO re paul baker smut, for those wanted it: i actually won’t post it as a work because i couldn’t make myself write more than like… idk, 900 words of it LOL but if you want it this is what you’re going to do: i am going to leave it as a very very long comment, the FIRST COMMENT on this chapter, with a spoiler you have to click. read at your own fucking peril and you have to comment on that comment if you read it. got it? good! thanks for playing along.

it’s music time! Better Than I Know Myself by Del Water Gap. trust me and listen to the lyrics on this one, i think it works with the chapter!!!!

alright, my lovely geese! 🪿 leave me your goose when you comment!

stay classy, stay sexy.

thank you to JangJaeYul for THIS!!!!

Chapter 9

Chapter Summary

THIS FIC IS COMPLETED NOW
Previously, on the Whole Package: Shane and Paul Baker both bravely come out to each other as bottoms and there is no chemistry.

This time: Go get your man, Shane!

Chapter Notes

Shane Hollander [14:22pm]

Hey! Are you home? 

Ilya Rozanov [14:23]

Yes, what’s up? 

Shane Hollander [14:22pm]

Mind if I come by soon? 

Ilya Rozanov [14:23pm]

Sure! 

Shane finally makes it back to his apartment and jumps in the shower. After, he puts on some cologne, gives his hair a rough dry, takes a few deep breaths and walks down the hallway to Ilya’s apartment 

Standing in front of Ilya’s door, Shane thinks back to the chemistry test kiss that he and Ilya had shared and smiles. He knocks loudly three times. 

“Hey, Shane,” Ilya says with a big smile as he opens the door. 

“Hey,” Shane smiles back shyly. “Do you mind if I come in?” 

Ilya gestures for Shane to enter. Ilya’s place is just like Shane’s in terms of layout, but flipped. He has two large artsy abstract prints of greyhounds on his wall in the entryway, and when Shane looks into the lounge, he sees a brown L-section couch. 

Ilya walks into the kitchen. 

“Can I get you a drink?” 

“Um, sure,” Shane says, kicking off his shoes.

“Ginger ale?” Ilya says, opening the fridge.

“How did you know I like ginger ale?” Shane says wonderingly as Ilya hands him a Canada Dry, his favourite brand. 

“You drank ginger ale all weekend,” Ilya smirks. “Also, I snooped through your fridge.”

“You didn’t. Did you? You’re joking. Are you joking?”

“I might be joking,” Ilya agrees confusingly. He grabs his coffee mug off the kitchen bench and gestures for Shane to take a seat on the couch with him. 

“How did it go with Paul Baker? Did you try again?” Ilya asks. 

Shane shrugs. “Yeah, we did. But, uh… turns out we’re both bottoms.” 

Ilya chokes on his drink and splutters into his mug, laughing uncontrollably.

“Yeah, okay,” Shane says, a tiny bit grumpily. “It’s not that funny.”

“Oh my god, Shane! You will kill me!” Ilya laughs. 

It takes Ilya almost a minute to get his fit of mirth under control.

“So, what, you don’t see a future with love-of-your-life and fellow bottom Paul Baker? Big fated love story, years of yearning, but you couldn’t put up with a lifetime of hand jobs and mouth stuff?”

Shane laughs and shakes his head. 

“I don’t know. Turns out we both had big feelings in school, but when it actually came down to it, the spark just isn’t there, for either of us. We talked about it. We’re going to stay friends.” 

“Wow,” Ilya thumps his chest with a fist a couple of times to help where it seems like liquid has gone down the wrong pipe. “So… back to the drawing board?” 

“Well,” Shane takes a deep breath. “I was… thinking about our arrangement.” 

“Oh?” Ilya stops thumping his chest. 

“What would you say if… Ilya, I want to upgrade to the whole package, premium and full-service.” 

Ilya frowns. 

“What do you mean?” 

Shane reaches a hand forward towards Ilya’s. 

“Ilya, do you want to be my real boyfriend? In real life, for zero dollars. Would you like to date me?” 

Ilya’s eyes go wide and he opens his mouth, then closes it, and then smiles. 

“Yes. But then, with zero dollars, how am I going to pay my library card fees? I have so many books on loan from the library for so long that they have started sending scary debt-collecting librarians who stare at me over their glasses. And now instead of milking my rich neighbour more, I am agreeing to be his boyfriend for zero dollars.” 

“Oh my god!” Shane says, rolling his slightly misty eyes. He squeezes Ilya’s hand. “I really like you, Ilya.” 

Ilya squeezes his hand back.

“I like you too, Shane,” he says. “Even if you are scary competitive at three-legged races.”

Shane laughs.

“Hanging out with you was so fun, and it was also so easy. You make me laugh, we have amazing chemistry, we live in the same city, you’re great with my family—”

“They might hate me now,” Ilya chuckles. 

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Shane moans. He leans in a little closer. “Ilya, it feels like what I’ve been looking for has been here the whole time.” 

“Did you know Taylor Swift said the same thing?” Ilya says with a smile and also leans in closer. 

“Who’s Taylor Swift?” 

“Doesn’t matter.” 

“I’m fucking with you. I’ve met her,” Shane smirks. 

“Very good joke, Mr Comedian.” Ilya gives Shane a big smile. “I want to be your boyfriend, Shane Hollander. I will do it for no money at all.” 

“I’m still going to pay you for the long weekend,” Shane breathes as their faces drift even closer together. 

“Good, because otherwise you are in breach of our contract, which would be a red flag for dating. If you cannot stick to ridiculous fake-dating contract, what hope is there for you sticking to important agreements, like whose turn it is to play Shane Hollander on Chel?” 

“I’ll talk to my accountant this week,” Shane says with a smile and lets their noses bump together. “And I never play myself in Chel.”

“That is great news,” Ilya breathes. “Can I kiss you now?” 

“Please.” 

Ilya kisses Shane first, threading his fingers through Shane’s hair. Shane immediately opens his mouth to let Ilya’s tongue in, and then after a moment, Ilya is pushing Shane back onto the couch cushions and climbing over his body, bracketing Shane’s body with his arms. 

“Fuck,” Shane breathes. “I think we did this whole thing backwards.” 

Ilya responds by grinding his hips down against Shane’s, making him gasp. 

“Hmmm, maybe not everything,” Ilya says. “After we kissed for the first time, I think I knew that maybe there was something there between us, but I was so focused on being a good fake boyfriend and helping you get with the love of your life.” 

“Why didn’t you say something when I was trying so hard to get with Paul Baker?” Shane asks. “Why didn’t you stop me, if you thought you and I could be something?”

“Stop you? Who am I to stop you? You are your own person, Shane,” Ilya says. “And I know the pull of shared history. Remember I told you about my friend Svetlana and how we used to go out? But we realised we were better off as friends eventually. I thought, just maybe, that it would not be ‘Paul Baker is my one true love’ but instead ‘I needed to get Paul Baker out of my system’”

“But how did you know I wouldn’t choose him?” Shane challenges. 

“Shane, we had mind-blowing sex,” Ilya laughs. “But seriously, I didn’t know… I guess I had a feeling, maybe, that things would work out between us. Even if it was not straight away, I had a feeling if I was patient that it would work out.”

“Really?”

“I bought ginger ale for my house, didn’t I?” Ilya teases. “I liked my chances.”

“We’re so silly,” Shane chuckles. “I could have saved myself twenty grand and done this a couple of weeks ago,” he jokes. 

“Enh, it is like the opposite of streaming services. You pay through the nose for the trial, and then at the end of the month, you get hit with a surprise zero-dollar subscription fee, because you forgot to cancel,” Ilya jokes back. “But if I get audited by the CRA, you will need to explain it.” 

“Don’t worry about that,” Shane gasps as Ilya’s hips roll down against his again. “My accountant is really good.” 

“I’m kidding, Shane,” Ilya says as he kisses down Shane’s neck, and Shane squirms at how ticklish it feels but also how his body suddenly feels like a live wire. 

“Fuck, I need you,” Shane pants, “I want you to fuck me.” 

Ilya makes a noise of pure lust. “I was thinking about you last night.” 

Shane feels his cheeks heat. “Yeah?” 

“Mhm, while I was touching myself. Have you ever jerked off thinking about me?” Ilya asks, rolling his hips down against Shane’s harder. 

Shane nods. 

“The night I gave you my spare key.” 

Ilya chuckles. 

“Okay, what would you say if I did the same that night?” 

Shane swallows. 

“Oh, fuck. That’s hot.” 

“Let me show you my bedroom,” Ilya purrs into Shane’s ear. “Since I have seen yours already.” 

“You wh—”

“Another joke. Or maybe it isn’t. Just like your ginger ale. You can decide.” 

Ilya is so busy kissing Shane as they stumble into his bedroom that Shane nearly goes toppling over when his ankle catches the chair in the corner of the room. 

“Oh, careful of my cuck chair,” Ilya chuckles, catching Shane before he lands on the armchair and planting kisses on him. 

Shane pulls back and looks at the green fabric upholstery. It doesn’t look much like the white painted wooden chair from the cabin.

“Cuck chair? But… aren’t they supposed to be wooden?” 

Ilya laughs at what he seems to think is a funny joke and keeps kissing Shane until the back of Shane’s knees hit the bed, and suddenly he’s being pressed down into the mattress by the full weight of Ilya Rozanov. 

Ilya kisses and kisses Shane, down his neck, along his collarbone and then he’s pulling Shane’s T-shirt up to kiss his chest and down his stomach. Shane can’t help but whimper at the sensation. 

“Off, off, off,” Ilya mutters as he pulls Shane’s sweatpants down, and Shane strips off his top and then helps Ilya by lifting his hips to get his pants off, and then Shane is yanking his boxers down as well and throwing them to the side. Ilya’s shirt ends up on one side of the room and his pants on the other, and then they’re both naked, with Ilya lying between Shane’s legs. 

He takes Shane in his mouth and starts sucking hard, and then uses a hand to press against Shane’s hole and lightly pet it. 

“Yeah, fuck, like that,” Shane gasps, and before long Ilya is reaching over into the drawer of the bedside table to grab some lube. He gets to work slowly opening Shane up, all the while keeping his mouth busy on Shane’s cock. 

“Stop— fuck, I’m gonna—” Shane panics, and Ilya quickly pulls off but keeps his fingers inside and stretching him open. 

“Can you hold it if I keep going like this inside?” Ilya asks. 

“Fuck—” Shane whimpers. “Yes. I edge myself a lot. Just stop if I tell you. Oh, fuck—”

Ilya keeps fingering Shane and rubbing exactly where it makes Shane whimper and lift his hips. 

“Come on, Shane, let me make you feel so good,” Ilya says gently and Shane’s shoulderblades press back into the bed. Ilya keeps going until Shane finds himself groaning. 

“I’m so close, Ilya, you have to stop, I’m gonna—”

And then Ilya stops and lets Shane catch his breath for a moment. 

“Let me get you close again,” Ilya says as he strokes Shane’s trembling thigh. “Want you to be nice and open for me.” 

Ilya gets back to fingering Shane, and fuck, all those years of edging himself aren’t really helping, because within a minute, Shane is desperate again. 

“I’m gonna come. Stop. Fuck. Just get in me, please, I’m ready,” Shane pleads. 

So Ilya climbs up Shane’s body and kisses him, rubbing a hand down Shane’s chest. 

“I’ll put a pillow under your hips, do you like that?” he asks. 

Shane nods and shifts his hips so Ilya can put him in a better position to be fucked. Ilya then grabs a strip of condoms, but Shane reaches out to hold his wrist to stop him before he tears one open.  

“Do you get tested?” he asks. 

“Yeah, I’m clear,” Ilya says, “But… I just thought, if you had done stuff with Paul Baker—”

“We didn’t—well, we just touched. Trust me, I’m clear, too. The last person I fucked or even blew was you, and you know before then it was years, and I’ve been tested, so—”

“Fuck, you’re going to kill me,” Ilya growls as he covers Shane’s body with his. “Are you sure?”

“I am so sure,” Shane says back as he looks directly into Ilya’s eyes. “Come on, fuck me. I need it, you’ve nearly edged me to death.” 

Ilya lets out a shuddery breath and grins at Shane. 

“Okay. Let me take care of you.” 

Ilya lifts Shane’s legs up so they press against the sides of his waist, then kisses Shane again. Shane wiggles his hips impatiently, and Ilya chuckles. 

“Okay, okay.” 

Ilya adds some lube to his dick and then slowly pushes against Shane’s hole. Shane takes a deep breath, and then slowly, slowly, Ilya presses in. 

“Fuck,” Ilya breathes and he rests his forehead against Shane’s. 

“That good, huh?” Shane pants. 

“So fucking tight. So hot, your ass is insane,” Ilya clenches his jaw and slowly drags himself out a little before pushing back in. 

Shane arches into it, also gasping. 

“So good, Ilya. Feels so fucking good.” 

“I don’t know,” Ilya groans, “how I will last for you. I want it to be good, but I’m—”

“Now you’re my boyfriend, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to practice,” Shane says, stroking Ilya’s cheek. 

“Yes,” Ilya pants with a little smile. “Lots of practice.” 

Ilya’s hips start snapping against Shane faster, and Shane locks his ankles around Ilya’s back and pulls him in on each thrust. 

“Harder, I can take it harder,” Shane begs. “Come on, give it to me.” 

So Ilya does just that, fucking and fucking and pressing himself in as deep as he can go, and Shane moans as the breath is punched out of him on each thrust, again and again as they pant and kiss and moan into each others mouths. 

It feels so fucking good, and it feels so effortless. Ilya’s body keeps moving and Shane rolls his hips up to meet Ilya’s and take it. 

“Are you close?” Shane asks after a few minutes, and Ilya nods frantically. 

“I’m trying to hold it, fuck, Shane, I’m so fucking close.” 

“Me too. Fuck, I need to come,” Shane pants. 

“You want me to touch you?” Ilya pants breathlessly. 

“No, ah— just keep doing that, right there, Jesus, Ilya—” Shane wraps his hand around his own cock and starts pumping himself fast and messily, clenching down on Ilya as the feeling of pleasure grows and grows.

“I’m right there— fuck— where do you want it?” Ilya manages to ask, panting from his efforts. 

“Fuck— in me— come in me— god, Ilya, I’m gonna fucking come—” Shane moans. “I’m about to—”

“Fuck, come for me, come for me, want to feel you coming on my cock, please—” Ilya begs, and Shane does, moaning and clenching hard and pulling Ilya in as hard as he can with his legs as he begs, “In me, come in me, fuck, in me, Ilya, I want it—” until Ilya is following him and coming inside, jaw clenched as he groans. 

They hold the position afterwards, both panting, chests pressed together, sweaty and covered in Shane’s come. 

“Was that okay?” Ilya asks. 

“It was amazing,” Shane says dreamily. 

Eventually, after catching their breath and some more kissing, Ilya and Shane find themselves in the shower. 

“So you don’t think your family will hate me?” Ilya says as he pumps some body wash into Shane’s waiting hand. The shower is far too small for the both of them, and they keep having to take turns with who stands under the water. 

Shane shrugs. 

“Couples fight, and I don’t see all my crazy extended family much anyways. My parents really liked you. My mom even came to check on me. She seemed really upset about our breakup. I’m sure she’ll be overjoyed that we’re back together.” 

Ilya frowns. 

“What?” Shane asks as he soaps up his stomach. 

“Do you think… maybe… maybe we could tell the truth? Is that a possibility? I think I could handle living a lie for a few days, but maybe not… you know.” 

Shane sighs and Ilya wraps his arms around him under the water. “I think you’re probably right, but I need to think about how to break the news to her.” 

“You can do what I do with the kids at school, yeah? If you give bad news, just wedge it between two pieces of good news. Like a bad news sandwich,” Ilya suggests.

Shane looks up at Ilya, confused. 

“Like…?” 

“Like ‘Good news! Ilya and I are not broken up! Bad news, we were only pretending to go out at the reunion because you put so much pressure on me to take a lover. Good news, we are together for real now!’”

“Don’t say ‘lover’,” Shane grumbles. “The bad news part is probably going to make her angry.” 

Ilya shrugs. “She should know she put you under far too much pressure, no?” 

“I guess. I’ll… think about how to do it. But you’re right, I have to tell her the truth.” 

Shane Hollander [19:33PM]

I asked Ilya out!! He said yes!! Boyfriends! 

Rose Landry [19:33PM] 

AHHHH SHANEBUG I AM OVERJOYED!!!! DID YOU FUCK HIM??

Shane Hollander [19:33PM]

HELL YEAH I DID 

Rose Landry [19:34PM] 

YAY BOYFRIEND SEX FOR REAL LETS ALL LIVE!!! Was it amazing???

Shane Hollander [19:34PM]

It was soooooooo amazing ahhhhh we didn’t use condoms 😊 My idea too!

Rose Landry [19:34PM] 

OH WOW. DAAAAAAANG SHANE YOU FUCKIN WHORE TAKING IT RAW! I LOVE YOU SHANE HOLLANDER WITH A BREEDING KINK 

Shane Hollander [19:34PM]

Is that what that is? I’m going to have to google that. 

Rose Landry [19:34PM] 

I WANNA MEET HIM SO BAD 

Shane Hollander [19:34PM]

Maybe soon!! If you promise not to be weird

Rose Landry [19:34PM] 

??? When have I been weird

Shane Hollander [19:34PM]

I don’t know! Look at our text history for starters?! 

Rose Landry [19:35PM] 

Whatever! YAY okay next time we do dinner BRING HIM AHHHH SHANE THIS IS ALL GOING TO BE SO GOOD FOR MY BOOK

Shane Hollander [19:35PM]

I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO THAT YOU WILL HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!

Rose Landry [19:35PM] 

Hane Shollander….

Shane Hollander [19:35PM]

Not funny! People will guess that it’s me!! 

Rose Landry [19:35PM] 

Really? You think people would put Hane Shollander and Shane Hollander together?

Shane Hollander [19:35PM]

Obviously!! 

Rose Landry [19:35PM] 

Good thing I’m kidding then Shanebug 

Shane abandons his frantic secret toilet text thread with Rose, and goes back to the bedroom to find Ilya playing on his phone. 

“So, can I take you on a date?” Shane asks as he climbs back into bed and rolls into Ilya’s arms. 

Ilya rubs his stubble into Shane’s slightly damp hair. “I would love that.” 

“Are you hungry for anything in particular?” Shane asks. 

“I think I want breakfast. Maybe waffles?” 

“Works for me.” Shane beams. He’s going to take his real boyfriend on a real date! 

“Martha’s does all day breakfast,” Shane says after tapping away on his phone to check. “Let’s go there.” 

“Hi, mom,” Shane says, propping his phone against a book on his desk. 

“Hi, Shane, how are you holding up?” Yuna’s face fills the whole screen, except the tiny window where Shane can see himself. He looks a little anxious. 

“Um, a little nervous,” Shane confesses. “We, uh… we have to talk.” 

“We’re talking now,” Yuna frowns a little. 

Shane takes a deep breath. 

“Let me start with the good news. Ilya and I are back together.”

Yuna beams. 

“That’s great! Why are you nervous? What’s going on?” 

Shane rubs his neck. 

“Here’s the bad news. I’ve been lying to you. I was never dating Ilya for real. I didn’t have a boyfriend. But I felt like I had to pretend, so you would leave me alone about it.” 

Yuna’s eyebrows shoot up. 

“What— Shane? What do you mean? What’s going on? How long were you lying? How did you convince Ilya to come? Wait, he’s not your boyfriend? Shane, I’m so confused, what the heck—”

“This is me coming clean, okay? I paid Ilya—who is my neighbour, by the way—to pretend to be my boyfriend, so I could keep up the lie I had been telling you—”

“But you broke up? In front of everyone!” Yuna interrupts. “Shane, I am so confused! Why did you lie to us? Wait, you’ve been lying for months! And you’re together?” 

She looks genuinely taken aback. 

“I just got overwhelmed when you kept pestering me about settling down and told you what you wanted to hear so you’d get off my case,” Shane says, letting his voice sound exasperated. “And then I brought Ilya along as my fake boyfriend, but then Paul Baker was there, and I wanted to break up with Ilya so I could try and get with him, so—”

“You what?” Yuna interrupts, again. 

“Please let me finish,” Shane groans. “Confessing all this is really hard to do, so if you wouldn’t mind chilling out.” 

Shane never speaks to his mom like this, but the interruption commentary really is getting frustrating. Yuna makes a noise that Shane hopes constitutes agreement. 

“Ilya and I fake-broke-up so I could try and pursue things with Paul Baker. I’ve liked Paul Baker since high school.” Shane decides to skip past any details of how that went. “But that didn’t work out. I realised that I wanted to be with Ilya. So I asked him out, and he said yes. We’re officially together now. But I wanted to do the right thing and give you the whole story. Okay? Any questions?” 

Shane purses his lips and takes a deep breath through his nose. 

“Oh. Wow.” Yuna pauses. “I didn’t realise I had put you under so much pressure. I had no idea. You know I just want the best for you, and— okay. I’m not going to try and justify myself. I’m sorry, Shane. But I’m really happy to hear about you and Ilya. So wait, the fight—?”

“It was fake,” Shane chuckles. “We practiced and everything. Hopefully the whole family doesn’t think he’s crazy now.” 

Now Yuna laughs. 

“They really, really liked him. I’m sure if they knew the whole story, they’d be very happy that you’re back together— er, together.” 

Shane lets out a breath. 

“Okay. Thanks for hearing me out. I love you, Mom.” 

“And I love you too,” Yuna sighs and then smiles. “And to think, if I didn’t nag you, you might never have gotten with Ilya!” 

Shane groans. 

“Seriously, Mom? We would have become friends anyways. But now I’m with him, can you please lay off me a bit? I know you want the best for me, but please don’t start pressing for us to get married or something. I want to do this at my own pace. I feel like my whole life I’ve just been pushed and pushed and—”

“Got it. Okay. I’ll be cool about it,” Yuna says. “And sorry again.”

“Could you give the phone to Dad? I’m gonna tell him now.”

A month or so later, Shane and Ilya get out of an Uber outside a Peruvian fusion restaurant downtown. Shane closes the door and then takes Ilya’s hand in his. 

“Don’t let her scare you,” Shane says, for the four millionth time. “She’s going to be kind of intense because she’s super excited to meet you.” 

“I will be fine,” Ilya says, kissing Shane’s knuckles. 

Inside the cosy restaurant, Rose is already waiting at a table. She stands up to greet them, rushing over to hug Shane. 

“Shanebug!” she says, squeezing Shane tightly. She then pulls back and looks directly at Ilya. “And the famous Ilya Rozanov! You have no idea how excited I am to meet you! I’m feeling a little star-struck.” 

Ilya grins. 

“The feeling is mutual.” He opens his arms and Rose eagerly moves in for a hug. 

Between their drinks and appetisers, Rose asks Ilya about his hobbies, his job, his favorite dog breeds and which way he puts the toilet roll on the holder. 

“You can quit grilling him now,” Shane laughs, when Rose asks Ilya what his intentions are with Shane.

“My intentions are to be a good boyfriend,” Ilya says with a smile. “You would really like my friend Sveta. She is also excited to meet Shane and question him.”

“Yes! Let’s do a thing with her next time,” Rose agrees. 

They order their entrées, and then Rose launches into telling embarrassing stories about Shane, including (but not limited to) his terrible macrobiotic diet, Shane’s campaign with a sports drink that gave him bad gas, and the underwear commercial that has resulted in Shane having one hundred pairs of identical underwear. Shane groans through all of it, but it’s wonderful that his two favourite people are getting along so well. 

“I wondered why they are all the same!” Ilya laughs. “I thought he was just a creature of habit!” 

“He’s that too,” Rose says, sipping her drink. Then she pulls out her phone.“Okay, business time. I know Shane said no to me writing a book about you guys’ story, but I’m thinking a screenplay might be a better idea anyways. Here.” 

Rose hands her phone to Ilya, who takes it and tilts the screen to show Shane. It’s a big list of headings: things like ‘fake boyfriend’, ‘no miscommunication’, ‘reconnecting with childhood crush’ and ‘sex practice’ with a handful of bullet points under each and some dialogue strung together. 

“I’d give you completely different names, but I think people would love it,” Rose says, leaning over the table. “I’ll pay you both for the rights to use your story, and it could be a cool project. I love being an actor, but I’ve always fancied myself something of a writer, and I’d love to turn this into something.” 

“Oh god,” Shane groans. “Okay, well when you have more of an outline, and if you’re sure that no one would trace it back to us—”

“This is genius!” Ilya interrupts. “But of course, only if Shane is comfortable with it.” 

“Maybe we’ll think about it,” Shane concedes. “Send us the outline and we can have a proper look at it.” 

After dinner, they all stand on the street waiting for their Ubers. 

“You have food in your hair,” Shane says, reaching over to pick some crumb out of Ilya’s curls. 

Behind him, he hears the click of Rose’s phone camera.

“You guys are seriously so stinking cute together,” Rose says as she looks at her phone. “I’ll text these to you Shane, just in case you ever want to hard launch your relationship online.” 

Ilya goes over to the curb to flag down Rose’s approaching car, and Shane remembers what he wanted to ask her.

“Hey, Rose, you know about interior design stuff… what’s a cuck chair, exactly?”

In the car home, Shane leans against Ilya’s shoulder in the back seat. “That went so well.” 

“I really like her,” Ilya sighs happily. “Do you really think anyone would enjoy a story about not-us fake-dating?” 

“People read and watch all sorts of crazy shit,” Shane giggles, “I don’t think we’re that crazy.” 

Later, in Shane’s bed after the exchange of slow and lazy blowjobs, Shane’s scrolling through the photos Rose sent of their evening. He pauses on the one of them on the street together, Shane’s hand in Ilya’s curly locks. 

“What would you think about me posting something about us?” he says to Ilya, who’s lying with his head on Shane’s shoulder. He shows Ilya the pic. “No pressure—you don’t have to say yes. But I think I’m ready for everyone to know.”

Ilya takes a look and beams, then turns to give Shane a kiss. 

“We look so happy. It’s perfect. Post it.” 

Sam Hollander [09:09AM] 

Hey, just saw your instagram post! Congrats? I feel like I’ve missed something here lol. You’re back together? Glad your breakup at the family reunion wasn't permanent, you guys are a cute couple!

Also… Aunty Miriam’s new partner Elliot speaks some Russian but he refused to say what Ilya was yelling about back then… now I gotta blackmail it out of him, huh? I hope it’s juicy! 

Love you bud. Glad you got your man back.

Chapter End Notes

i want to shoutout chocolate freckle, em, pikelet, grace and elliot for all their help and support of this fic. thanks my friends, we did it.

if you like my work, i have written a lot of other stuff, so go check it out! stay subscribed in case i do the epilogue (i am just feeling a liiiiiiiittle bit of writing burn out so it may be some time, im afraid).

if you downloaded this fic for reading offline, come say hi and leave a comment! i reply to everyone!

i’m leaving up the endnote rambles on the previous chapters for a little bit longer and then those will be gone forever.

a special shoutout to all my special geese in the comment sections. may the geese emojis live forever and ever in our hearts. honk honk! 🪿

it has been a pleasure partying with you all! i’m not sure what will come next.

song for this chapter is Breakfast For Dinner by Winnetka Bowling League:

it's why i'm calling you from the airport
just in case the engines combust
it's how i hate astrology, usually
but with you, i'm eating it up
it's when i picture us in november
jackets matching, so sign me up
for cozy winters
and a lifetime of breakfast for dinner

see what i did there?

shoutout to the people who made art / memes / clay models for this fic, you guys are amazing. if you make a silly meme, put it down below and i’ll chuck it in the end notes so we can have it forever.

all my love,
your crazy frog

stay sexy, stay classy.