Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Damian Clara - Character, Rosario Fiorello, Amedeo Sebastiani | Amadeus

Additional Tags:

Crack, milano cortina 2026, Winter Olympics, Damian Clara, POV Ilya Rozanov, Social Media, Ottawa Centaurs (Game Changers), Jealous Ilya Rozanov, Italian Hockey National Team, Twitter, Tumblr, Mixed Media, Damian Clara is put through the wringer guys, Sanremo 2026, The Great Condom Shortage of 2026

Language:

English

Series:

Part 2 of #ilyarozanoviscancelled

Stats:

Published: 2026-02-12 Completed: 2026-02-15 Words: 5,326 Chapters: 2/2

the milano cortina incident

Summary

Anonymous asked:
imagine this is your first olympic game and your opponents are the Red Menace and the Wasian Terror

ridetheinvisiblepuck replied:
i don’t have to imagine i can hear the rattling of the chains tying clara to the net 

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#this is like watching a national geographic doc #where two lions are performing some fucked up mating dance #while slaughtering a herd of zebras

or,
Canada faces Italy in the first preliminary match of the men's hockey tournament at the Olympics, and Ilya is not pleased that Shane has noticed the Italian goalie. What follows: a bad loss, the great condom shortage of the Winter Olympics, and an excommunication.

Notes

this one is self indulgent and deeply unserious. i’m so sorry. in loving memory of italian manwhore summer 2021 and pope francis.

EDIT 15.02: i'd written italy losing 11-1 before the finland-italy game, and the original score was indeed 11-0 before i decided to be nice. apollo and the gift of prophecy indeed.

Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

Olympics, Italy, 2026.

08.02.2026, X.com. Formerly Twitter.

husbands in milan! @hollanovich tweeted:
who tf assassinated our captain #MilanoCortina2026
[Screenshot from the official Winter Olympics website - it’s the player guidebook, inclusive of pronunciation guide. The audio plays. Shane can be heard pronouncing his name only to be cut off by the loud CLANG of a metal pipe.]
112 replies, 506 retweets, 1.9k likes

the l in lgbt @ottawaswlwunite
replying to @hollanovich
r*ger c*owell 

—

08.02.2026. Group chat.

The Wolfbirds Go to Milan 

Cap: Hi all - this is the travel itinerary for our two days in Milan: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d5fl... 

Roz: Thank you, I had missed school trips

Cap: Fuck you.

Roz: 😏

Pike: Can we not?

Roz: We aren’t. You’re not invited

Bood: Thanks Cap.

Hazy: Wait, we’re staying at the Village?

Cap: First two nights only. The beds are not big enough for Ilya’s ego.

Roz: My ego? 

Pike: AND CUT. 

Cap: Don’t worry, the Superbowl Half Time show has started and his attention is now fully on that. 🙂 Él perrea sólo.

—

10th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. Morning.

EU correspondent ✅ @centaursLDNgal
Hi centaurs! I'm in Milan for the next twelve days and I will be going to a few hockey games including: Canada vs Italy, USA vs Czechia, the three quarter finals, and the Gold Medal’s. Will bring you all the updates from the Bel Paese!
75 replies, 315 retweets, 701 likes

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @centaursLDNgal
did you buy cryptocurrency in 1997 when you were 2? are you in charge of a money laundering operation? can i join?

still roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
replying to @hollanovich
but i thought you couldn’t wash money 

barbs! @hazandhabs
quoting @raidersbeach:

2 replies, 1 retweet, 5 likes

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @centaursLDNgal, @hollanovich
it’s 2026. italy’s financial analysts are baffled as they record the first economic boom since 1963. little do they know, it’s twitter user centaursLDNgal, single-handedly boosting the GDP one olympic ticket at a time. 

boston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @centaursLDNgal, @hollanovich, @h0ckeyhusbands
she and @/r*ziesb*nny co-own @/hollanovupdates btw 

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @misspuckraider, @centaursLDNgal, @h0ckeyhusbands
genuinely what does this have to do with anything 

boston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @centaursLDNgal, @hollanovich, @h0ckeyhusbands
word on the street is that they’re on the centaurs payroll so!

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @misspuckraider, @hollanovich, @centaursLDNgal

Centaurs ✅ @OttawaCentaurs tweeted:
We want to reiterate that we have no financial ties to any member of our fanbase, however dedicated they may be. Our bond is kept together by the shared passion of hockey as a game, as a sport, and as an Olympic discipline. 🌈
231 replies, 1.1 retweets, 3.1k likes

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @OttawaCentaurs
ah, yes, the “bond kept together by the shared passion of hockey as a game, as a sport, and as an olympic discipline”

harris! @HarrisDrover
replying to @ilyasjockstrap, @OttawaCentaurs

—

10th February. X.com, formerly Twitter.

EU correspondent ✅ @centaursLDNgal
The Canadian team is sightseeing in Milan!
[Video: The Canadian team, dressed in recognisable burgundy jackets, is seen getting off at the nearest, busy stop to the Milan Duomo. They ordinately leave the platform and tunnel into a corridor amid the morning rush crowd, then up the escalators, occupying both the right and the left side of each step. A man can be heard shouting: “TOGLIETEVI DAL CAZZO CHÉ DEVO ANDARE IN UFFICIO, PORCOD....” The video ends.]
98 replies, 906 retweets, 1.4k likes

barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @centaursLDNgal
andddd the stalker strikes again

we’re in it now @shanespucks
replying to @hazandhabs, @centaursLDNgal
what’s the italian number for the police force i’m so serious 

we’re in it now @shanespucks
replying to @hazandhabs, @centaursLDNgal
also what’s the man saying? at the end?

elena is in milan @elenasulghiaccio
replying to @shanespucks, @centaursLDNgal
he’s welcoming them to the city of milan 💕

we’re in it now @shanespucks
replying to @centaursLDNgal,@hazandhab, @elenasulghiaccio
aawwww cute

—

10th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. Afternoon.

ESPN ✅ @ESPN tweeted:
Team Canada’s Captain and Ottawa forward centre Shane Hollander on the upcoming preliminary match against Italy:

[Video: Pre-recorded. Shane Hollander is standing just outside the perimeter of the Ottawa team’s practice rink in Canada, beads of sweat crawling down the sides of his face, as he speaks into the microphone.

Reporter: What are you most looking forward to?

Hollander: Well, I’ve heard that the Olympic village has Nutella fountains. Not part of my diet, usually, but. I'll make an exception.

Reporter: It does! Have you or the other players learned any Italian so far?

Hollander: Ilya, only the bad words. But in all seriousness — it's Italy’s first Olympic run in twenty years or so, and I’m looking forward to meeting them on the ice. And their goalie — Damian? -  he’s a prospect, isn’t he? (Smiling.) I've seen footage of him. First Italian player to be drafted by the NHL, youngest goaltender to dress at the World Championship back in 2021. (He cocks his head to the side, tongue darting out to lick his bottom lip.) He's clearly someone to keep an eye on. And he’s got the wingspan of a 747! (Laughs.)] 

90 replies, 401 retweets, 1.5 likes

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @ESPN
(affectionate) whore

melinda @marleauxxx
replying to @ESPN, @ilyasjockstrap
he did his research huh....................

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @ESPN, @marleauxxx
guess it was ilya hitting shane with the metal pipe during that pronunciation guide

melinda @marleauxxx
replying to @ESPN, @ilyasjockstrap
yeah ilya is NOT laughing

becca! @rookiesinlove
replying to @ESPN, @ilyasjockstrap, @marleauxxx
ilya rozanov seeing damian clara for the first time:

maggie @ilyasjockstrap
replying to @rookiesinlove, @ESPN, @marleauxxx
💀

maggie @ilyasjockstrap tweeted:
SIR PLEASE DDSFSSLDFKJSL;DFJSDLF
[Screenshot from the user's notifications tab. The latest one reads: @IlyaRozanov liked your tweet: "ilya rozanov seeing damian clara for the first time: (image)”.]

—

10th February. Tumblr dot Hell, later in the evening. 

Anonymous asked russiaslovemachine:
ilya is about commit a whole array of felonies against on that goalie

russiaslovemachine replied:
ilya breaking the sound barrier shooting that puck at the net: you’ve mamma’d your last mia
4 replies | 145 reblogs | 359 likes

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
#great! i can’t wait to be back at the winter olympics in 2070 :)

hockeyducksinarow reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#mr rozanov i’m begging you we've only JUST signed him  

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ hockeyducksinarow

#hollander dovevi farti i cazzi tuoi 

subhollander reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#i know cataclysmic hate sex is being had at the olympic village tonight

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
the seismometers near the olympic village the moment ilya and shane retire to bed:

#six avalanches three dead twelve injured

—

10th February. Same time. Text messages.

The Wolfbirds minus Holls and Roz

Bood: Can you hear that?

Hazy: Is there anyone who can’t fucking hear that?

Pike: Me! I brought ear plugs. You all stay safe though. 

—

11th February, early morning.

tg24.sky.it. Translated via Google Chrome.

Milano-Cortina |  Frana Niscemi | Groenlandia | Gomorra - Le origini | Spettacolo | Sky TG24 Insider

Notti di Fuoco Nel Villaggio Olimpico
by Gianmarco Soretti, Sports Correspondent. Published: 08.21am. Last updated: 11.11am.

It was a fiery night at the Olympic village, according to sources close to the staff in Milano Cortina.

Every year, sponsors distribute “thousands” of condoms across the village’s twin rooms to ensure safety above all during adrenaline-filled days. Some relationships, of course, are more high-profile than others. It seems in fact that the Power Couple of Canadian ice Hockey, Shane and Ilya Hollander-Rozanov…

mi serve xanax @madonnashane
congratulations to the hollander-rozanovs imagine fucking so hard you make headlines
[Picture of the article, translated via Google Chrome: Fiery Nights at the Olympic Village.]
23 replies, 1.1k retweets, 3.7k likes

🇮🇹 marco @marco__antonio9280
replying to @madonnashane (translated via ****)
So Ilya Rozanov is another turncoat who’s betrayed his country for the radical chic liberals and is trying to import the LGBT ideology here.

Shane ✅ @ShaneHollander
replying to @marco__antonio9280
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Rome  

mi serve xanax @madonnashane
replying to @ShaneHollander
[GUNSHOT]

the l in lgbt @ottawaswlwunite
replying to @madonnashane, @ShaneHollander
he literally said i may be sick! but yall are chronic 💘

boston girlie @raidersinlove 
replying to @ottawaswlwunite, @madonnashane, @ShaneHollander
has he ever EVER clapped back on twitter before today... sir blink twice if you need help 

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @ottawaswlwunite, @madonnashane, @ShaneHollander
don't worry #confirmed shane hollander on a private apology tour for lusting after another man

—

11th February, midday.

mi serve xanax @madonnashane tweeted
PLEASE ALKSJDFS;DLKFJASDFDSLKF
[Screenshot of Ilya’s Twitter profile, with a notable biography amend in which Ilya addresses himself as a "former husband of all wives and wife of all husbands", quoting Julius Caesar's infamous nickname.]

Ilya ✅ @IlyaRozanov
бывший мужчина каждой женщины и женщина каждого мужчины
📍Ottawa  🗓️ Active since: March 2010
231 following 235.7k followers]

76 replies, 891 retweets, 3.5k likes

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @madonnashane
did he just call himself a reformed f-slur 

Ilya ✅ @IlyaRozanov
replying to @h0ckeyhusbands, @madonnashane, @hollanovich
Not reformed. Monogamous. :) 

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @madonnashane, @IlyaRozanov
so that smiley face is fucking ominous

mi serve xanax @madonnashane tweeted:
replying to @IlyaRozanov, @h0ckeyhusbands
mr r. i’m begging you mr rozanov. please. our goalie has done nothing wrong. mr roz-

—

12.02.2025. The game starts. Tumblr dot com. 

puckyburns posted:
coughing baby (20+ men picked hunger games style from sudtirol and thrown on the ice) vs hydrogen bomb (the hollander-rozanov eastern front)

shanesluckypuck posted:
ok national anthem time SIAM PRONTI ALLA MORTEEEE L’ITALIA CHIAMÒ

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
never mind we’re not prepared for death both hollander and rozanov are haunting this rink like ghouls

randomisedfiorello posted:
aaaaaand it starts

hockeysucchiaggio posted:
we can do this guys

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
ok so maybe we can do this if we snipe half of the canadian team in the next five minutes

gayhockeists posted:
how italy be playing rn 

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
THIS IS NOT FUCKING DODGEBALL THIS IS HOCKEY YOU GOTTA HIT THAT PUCK 

ichosecaringhockey reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#this is not hockey either this is a humiliation ritual 

puckyburns reblogged ⇄ ichosecaringhockey
#close actually! it's foreplay :) #and we're invited :)

Anonymous asked:
imagine this is your first olympic game and your opponents are the Red Menace and the Wasian Terror

ridetheinvisiblepuck replied:
i don’t have to imagine i can hear the rattling of the chains tying clara to the net 
0 replies | 12 reblogs | 50 likes

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#this is like watching a national geographic doc #where two lions are performing some fucked up mating dance #while slaughtering a herd of zebras

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#prev you have such a way with words 

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#we're now past the apology tour into the #makeup sex foreplay territory #except it's enemy territory

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
#gay italian dunkirk happening in front of our eyes

ichosecaringhockey posted:
twenty-one shots blocked and we're not even thorough with the first period

randomisedfiorello posted:
someone give clara a gun to make it a fair fight i beg you 

shanesluckypuck posted:
first goal

shanesluckypuck posted:
SECOND GOAL???? 

madonnailya posted:
someone throw a duomo statuette at rozanov immediately how has he slammed THE ENTIRE TEAM INTO THE BOARDS ONE BY ONE ALREADY
0 replies | 25 reblogs | 41 likes

subhollander reblogged ⇄ madonnailya
#half of trivellato’s teeth are still IN the board mind you

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#TRIVELLATO di nome e di fatto

ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#so i just googled it and trivellato means DRILLED #lmfao omen nomen so sorry man

altarivalita posted:

puckyburns posted:

randomisedfiorello posted:
YES

madonnailya posted:
YES?????

shanesluckypuck posted:
OH MY GOD

lactationkinkilya posted:
did italy just score a goal 

shanesluckypuck posted:
thank you mr pike for allowing that opening

subhollander posted:
ok so the italian fans are chanting SCEMO SCEMO at pike
0 replies | 25 reblogs | 101 likes

ichosecaringhockey reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#i think ilya is chanting too

amorehockeyealtridemoni posted:
shane hollander is also on a mission and the mission is murder because WHY IS HE BODYCHECKING PEOPLE LIKE THAT TOO 
0 replies | 2 reblogs | 10 likes

subhollander reblogged ⇄ amorehockeyealtridemoni
#HONESTLY DID WE NOT HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON WITH THE FUCKING RED SCARE ON SKATES

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#he's on an apology tour and we're all suffering with him 

lactationkinkilya posted:
now happening on our screens: battle of caporetto, 1917

madonnailya posted:
NO

shanesluckypuck posted:
NO

randomisedfiorello posted:
NO

shanesluckypuck posted:
NOOOOOO CLARAAAAAAAAA

subhollander posted:
NO DAMIAN NOOOOOOOO

ichosecaringhockey posted:
THEY MASSACRED MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
0 replies | 15 reblogs | 76 likes

randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ ichosecaringhockey
#this is my 9/11

ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
#rozanov has hit the second tower

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#rozanov about to hit the second goalie too

italianrozanov posted:
first time i post tonight and it's to announce that i'm joining the fight against homophobia on the side of homophobia
10 replies | 90 reblogs | 231 likes

—

12.02.2025. Circa 11pm. The match has now ended 11 - 1. Two of the Italian defensemen have moderate sprains. Second-line right wing forward has a broken nose and the blood is still on the ice. Damian Clara is nowhere to be seen.

randomisedfiorello posted:
this is what the romans must've felt watching gladiator fights
2 replies | 21 reblogs | 91 likes

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
#maybe we get lucky and they fuck nasty and raw on the ice i dont care anymore

subhollander reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#fuck him in the ice rink thursday

madonnailya reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#wait did ilya say what i think he said

subhollander reblogged ⇄ madonnailya
#prev #YES LMFAO

—

12.02.2025. X.com, formerly Twitter. 

mi serve xanax @madonnashane tweeted:
the RAI commentator just went “well we can’t be sure of what rozanov said but it seems to have been exultance” but you could literally hear ilya shout FORZA FROCI in near perfect italian
155 replies, 1k retweets, 4k likes

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @madonnashane
HE’S COME SO FAR POLYGLOT KING <3 #letilyasayfaggot

harris! @HarrisDrover
replying to @madonnashane, @hollanovich

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @madonnashane, @HarrisDrover
THEY JUST BLASPHEMEDDFJHSKDFJSKDJFSDFKJJSD

—

12.02.2025. Reporters' room. 

Adrenaline is still thrumming through Ilya's veins when follows Shane and stops in front of the reporter. He's not delusional—he knows they won't have many more occasions like this, not the Olympics, and this result is exactly what they wanted. What they needed. What he needed, given, well. Well. 

So, he's pleased. And, of course, the Italian reporters ask Shane about their style of play in the ice—aggressive, harsh—and no, really, says Shane, he does not listen to rumours: this is how they usually play, nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing else to consider. One smooth lie after the other, because any mark the shape of Ilya's teeth on his body is carefully covered by the hockey gear.

And then, finally, they ask them both if they've got any more words after winning against the host country, and: “Of course,” Shane says, agreeable as always. “We enjoyed visiting La Scala just yesterday, and the people here, everywhere, have made us feel very welcomed.”

Ilya flashes his best smile. Shane stills, knowing that, truthfully, Ilya has indeed learned some Italian. 

“We took the metro,” says Ilya. “We were welcomed there, too. What did they say to us? Ah, da. Welcoming words: Porco D-” 

—

13.02.2025

fin (not really)

Chapter End Notes

1. comments are appreciated - if i made you laugh: i want to know. 2. the metal pipe thing is something you can hear in some pronunciation guides from the olympics and it's been cracking me up. 3. the whole tumblr bit was inspired by this video: https://www.tumblr.com/makemegentle/808372961490911232/compilation-originally-made-by-leucotoe-on-tumblr?source=share

finally, huge thanks to tumblr user verdiesque for the help with russian!

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

is this the stupidest thing i've ever written? maybe. i'm so sorry. edit: it's now the next day and i think i wrote this in a state of mythical ecstasy

13th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. 11.47am.

avanti tutta 🇮🇹 @puroitalicomarco450
replying to @ANSAEN (translated via ****)
How did we even let this fucking Russian past our difense so many times?

elena in milan @elenasulghiaccio
quoting @puroitalicomarco450
Bill Clinton on the phone to Massimo D’Alema about the Mitrokhin KGB espionage dossier in 1999:
How did we even let this fucking Russian past our defense so many times?

—

13th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. Same time.

⇄ Shane Hollander reposted
Hockey Canada ✅ @HockeyCanada:
We want to reiterate our gratitude for the warm welcome in Milan. While ice hockey is an intense, physically demanding sport, we hope to have displayed the sportsmanship that is part of the Olympic spirit. 

mi serve xanax @madonnashane
replying to @HockeyCanada
"the sportsmanship that is part of the Olympic spirit" YOU UNLEASHED THE SCOURGE OF MOSCOW UPON DAMIAN CLARA

⇄ Shane Hollander reposted
Hockey Canada ✅ @HockeyCanada:
We also would like to formally apologise for the inadvertently offensive words of our Assistant Captain Ilya Hollander-Rozanov, who had been misinformed on their blasphemous meaning. He remains sincerely apologetic by such misunderstanding and vows to not use them in the future. 

hollympians @redmenaceilya
replying to @HockeyCanada
thankfully the catholic church’s got 10,000+ more saints he can name 

still roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
replying to @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
does he not risk being excommunicated?

barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @raidersbeach, @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
girl…………. he’s not catholic………………………….

still roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
replying to @hazandhabs, @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
since when????

barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @raidersbeach, @redmenaceilya, @HockeyCanada
approximately 1054ad

Vatican Says ✅ @PopeNews tweeted:
Ahead of the start of Lent, Pope Leo XIV invites Catholics to open ourselves to listening, fasting, and community, and to refrain from words that offend and hurt our neighbor.

elena in milan! @elenasulghiaccio
replying to @PopeNews
well this feels pointed

haazy’s muscle mummy @h0ckeyhusbands
replying to @PopeNews, @elenasulghiaccio
i miss pop francis,,,,, @ilyarozanov thankfully you're orthodox #faggotry my beloved

winter olympics mode @shanehussy
replying to @elenasulghiaccio, @h0ckeyhusbands, @PopeNews
have got enough of these catholics man you can’t do shit

still roz’s dirty sock @raidersbeach
quoting @shanehussy:
the patriarch of constantinople during the schism of 1054ad:
have got enough of these catholics man you can’t do shit

barbs! @hazandhabs
replying to @raidersbeach
they grow so fast 🥹

—

13th February. Midday. Text messages. Group chat.

The Wolfbirds in Milan 

Pike: Has anyone seen my wallet?

Roz: Did you leave it on the ice with the rest of your dignity?

Pike: Fuck you

Roz: No. I like my players competent.

Cap: When did you last see it?

Pike: Three days ago

Roz: You last saw your wallet three days ago and noticed now? 

Roz:  How much do they pay you to be terrible?

Pike: Have you not got another religious body to offend?

Cap: Hayden - So when we took the metro to see the Duomo? Have you got your passport?

Pike: Yes. I’d left it in the safe. There was my driving license in there though. And cash.  

Roz: Where do you usually keep your wallet?

Pike: Back pocket - why?

Roz: No reason. I hope you find it.

Pike: Thanks man? I guess?

—

13.02.2026. Same time. Text messages.

Private chat: Ilya x Shane

мой любимый: Ilya. Don’t.

Ilya: I think you messaged wrong person - this is not Damian Clara.

—

13th February. X.com, formerly Twitter. 1.25pm. 

⇄ Ilya Rozanov reposted
ANSA EN ✅ @ANSAEN
Canadian Team defenseman “pickpocketed” in busy Milan Metro. www.ansa.it/en/news/canadian-...

www.ansa.it/english

Trending | Pope | Milano Cortina | Climate crisis | Meloni | Schlein 

Canadian Team defenseman “pickpocketed” in busy Milan Metro
by Luca Corona, Sports Correspondent. Published: 12.51pm. Last updated: 1.01pm

It was just three days ago that the Canada ice Hockey’s National Team was seen visiting Milan’s most famous landmarks – the Duomo, the Vittorio Emanuele II gallery, the Navigli.

The visit, however, may have included an unexpected and unpleasant souvenir. According to an anonymous source close to the team, in fact, defenseman Hayden Pike was allegedly pickpocketed on the way to…

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
replying to @IlyaRozanov, ANSAEN
"anonymous source” and it’s ilya rozanov in a blonde wig

the l in lgbt @ottawaswlwunite
replying to @IlyaRozanov, @hollanovich, @ANSAEN 

⇄ Ilya Rozanov reposted
elena in milan! @elenasulghiaccio
ATTENZIONEEEEEEEEEE PICKPOCKET 

⇄ Ilya Rozanov reposted
amy @shanesunshine
the concept of the italian pickpocket’s handiword being faster than pike’s 

Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov tweeted:
Pikepocketed.
156 replies, 2.2k retweets, 9.8k likes

barbs! @habsandhaz
replying to @IlyaRozanov
i HATE that you’re this fucking funny 

boston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @habsandhaz, @IlyaRozanov
mind you this is the type of shit he says in his second language

giornalista da Repubblica @StefaniaAbate tweeted:
replying to @IlyaRozanov
have you got something to say about the slur on live TV instead?

Ilya Rozanov ✅ @IlyaRozanov
replying to @StefaniaAbate
Did I? Slur?

barbs! @habsandhaz
replying to @IlyaRozanov, @StefaniaAbate
every cackle you get out of me drags me away from god

boston sufferer @misspuckraider
replying to @habsandhaz, @IlyaRozanov
HIS SECOND LANGUAGEEEEEE

—

13th February. Tumblr dot Hell. 6.78pm. 

Anonymous asked:
Please tell me you’ve seen Ilya on twitter today

ilyarozanovsprincealbert replied:
ilya rn 

0 replies | 10 retweets | 59 likes

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ ilyarozanovsprincealbert
#KLASDJKAJASHDGASDGJASH

russiaslovemachine reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#it’s the oppression olympics #and ilya rozanov is winning #on team oppression

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
#shane: ilya you’re being an asshole #[unbuckles his pants] #stop! #[pulls dick out]

Anonymous asked:
OK take it with a grain of salt but you know how the olympic village has a condom shortage rn? and obvs the canadian team is staying at a hotel, and hollander has them on that insane macrobiotic, performance-enhancing diet. well, i know someone from a curling team and they said that “the Red Menace” was bartering the condoms he had left for the highest bid. one of the winners was someone who smuggled him one of the nutella dispensers with white bread 

madonnailya replied:
i choose to believe this like a small child having a marian vision in a small town in southern europe

subhollander reblogged  ⇄ madonnailya
#likely thing for tumblr user madonnailya to say

puckyburns reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#why would they use condoms after 16 years together………..

ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged  ⇄ puckyburns
#prev: because leaking ilya's kids all over the ice rink would be both an original and ineffective hockey tactic 

randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#not in my omegaverse fic it isn’t 

lactationkinkilya reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#unrelated #beyond me why shane would insist on that diet #when ilya plays like could enter the rink with his hands tied behind his back #and still shoot the puck into the net with his dick

amorehockeyealtridemoni reblogged ⇄ lactationkinkilya
prev: ilya entering the rink against switzerland tomorrow

italianrozanov reblogged ⇄ amorehockeyealtridemoni
#luca haas’ dream game scenario tbh

—

13th February. Unspecified location. A few hours before, starting at 3.32pm. 

Unknown number (Germany - Luge Team): Hello. Was given your number by a friend. How much for one condom?

Ilya: 3 chocolate profiteroles

—

13th February. Unspecified location. 3.39pm. 

Unknown number (France - Curling Team): I need five condoms please

Ilya: greedy

Ilya: 10 portions of tiramisu and is a deal

Ilya: enjoy the orgy 

—

13th February. Unspecified location. 4.01pm. 

Unknown number (Brazil - Ski): How much for one condom?

Ilya: two cacio e pepes

—

13th February. Unspecified location. 4.45pm. 

Unknown number (Italy - ice hockey): hello i need one condom please?

Ilya: oh, you want to get fucked again. i can respect that

Ilya: 10 cuore caldo desserts and the nutella dispenser with white bread

Unknown number (Italy - ice hockey): but i heard you sold for three profiteroles

Ilya: inflation

—

13th February, . Unspecified location. 7.01pm. 

Unknown number (Norway - Biathlon Team): Hello. How much for two condoms?

Ilya: i don't deal with infidels

—

13th February. A hotel in Milan. 10.54pm. 

Shane’s hand hovers above the open drawer of the hotel’s sidetable, his eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Ilya,” he says, “where are the condoms?”

Ilya watches him run the maths in his head. They’ve had sex every day, and multiple times a day at that, too. The victory against Italy alone had him hard as a rock before they even toed their shoes off in the room. Still, it’s nowhere near enough times to justify the fact that two of the five packs they brought from Canada are completely gone. 

Shane sits back on Ilya’s legs, thighs bracketing Ilya’s hips. “Ilya.”

Ilya’s dick twitches against his tummy. “Shane. I love you.”

“Ilya,” Shane says again. His dick is still hard, despite confusion. Victory. “What happened to our condoms?”

“I don’t know,” says Ilya. “Why don’t you ask Damian Clara?”

—

14th February. 08.59am. Text messages. Group chat.

The Wolfbirds in Milan 

Cap: If I catch anyone eating the portions of tiramisu Ilya bartered for five condoms I will make sure they get benched for the rest of the olympic run.

Bood: Sorry boss. Noted. 

Hazy: Is Roz OK by the way?

Cap: He was fine twenty minutes ago - why?

Hazy: IDK. He said something that sounded like Russian cursing and then something about Dostoevsky. 

—

14th February. 08.39am. X.com, formerly Twitter. Thirty minutes ago.

RaiNews ✅@RaiNews tweeted:
#MilanoCortina2026, Damian Clara is ready to face Slovakia in second preliminary match: he talks injuries, NHL future, relax tips, and the “condom shortage” #WinterOlympics2026

[Attached: Video. Clara stands in front of his Village twin room. He looks tired, dark circles around his eyes. 

Reporter: The match against Canada was tough. Have you had a think about what could have gone differently? 

Clara: Uh, yes. I think I had blocked about sixty shots by the time I injured myself. I don’t think anything could have gone differently, necessarily. Canada is tough. Those are the top players in the NHL. I think they clocked one of Hollander’s shots at almost 100 miles per hour. Rozanov’s—I think 89 miles. That one hit me on the shin.

Reporter: Rozanov was tough on you. Any idea why?

Clara, immediately: No. 

Reporter: And your injury? Have you recovered?

Clara: [Stuttering.] I’m, uh, fine. I’ll be playing today. I appreciate the experience. I want to focus on the upcoming challenges now.

Reporter: That’s the spirit. And I have to ask—have you noticed the great “condom shortage” of the Olympics 2026? It’s all everyone is talking about. 

Clara: Sort of. I was in bed early last night. I like reading, so I was relaxing, reading Dostoevsky. It’s my favourite author. But athletes from various countries kept knocking at our room door at all hours of the night. Someone spread a rumour that I was the only one with condoms left. Which. (His eye twitches.) It’s not true, obviously. So I didn’t really sleep much.

Video continues…]

30 replies, 205 retweets, 700 likes

husbands in milan! @hollanovich
quoting @RaiNews:
90 miles an hour is insane just do the merciful thing and fucking shoot him next time

barbs! @habsandhaz
replying to @hollanovich
it’s frying me that he’s talking like a plane crash survivor who made it out of the jungle after 12 days

elena in milan! @elenasulghiaccio
replying to @hollanovich, @habsandhaz
“i am lucky to have come out the other side. now comes the time for healing.”

—

14th February, afternoon. Tumblr dot hell. 

Anonymous asked:
Well, Clara seems well rested.

ilyarozanovsprincealbert answered:
sure does

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ ilyarozanovsprincealbert
#’someone spread a rumour’ #girl………… 

russiaslovemachine reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#everybody playing chequers #ilya’s playing psychological warfare

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
#we gotta stop the fucking russian menace

ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#prev napoleon to his advisors in 1812 

—

It is now 22nd February. Canada has won the men’s ice hockey gold medal. It’s the last night of Sanremo’s Music Festival, hosted by Amadeo “Amadeus” Sebastiani and Rosario Fiorello. Guests of Honour: Representatives from Italy’s National Team (notable: Damian Clara); Representatives from Canada’s National Team, including Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov.

ilyasprincealbert posted:
i hate that hollanov is making me tune into an italian TV programme in the middle of the fucking day (i’m canadian)

ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ ilyasprincealbert
ok what the fuck is going on that stage

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ ilyasprincealbert
#i promise it’s going to get worse

hockeysucchiaggio posted:
this is like if a singer couldn’t sing and was also a fag–(gunshot)

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ hockeysucchiaggio
#mahmood?

hockeysucchiaggio reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
#no mahmood can sing

randomisedfiorello posted:
you’re on a stage with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you

lactationkinkilya reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
wait hollanov came on stage and i missed them?

randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ lactationkinkilya
no sorry it’s still the old men

ichosecaringhockey posted:

russiaslovemachine posted:
okay i like this couple duo singing right now. you can tell they've been together a long time. they can even sing 

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ russiaslovemachine
they’re brothers

russiaslovemachine reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
FUCK

shanehussy posted:
okay so are the middle aged men hosting married

randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ shanehussy
#yes! to women.

Anonymous asked:
isn’t it like 2.45am in italy………….

hockeysulcazzo replied:
yes

gayhockeists posted:
what in the dom/sub dynamics is happening here

madonnailya posted:
the dialectic parkour fiorello just did so he could talk about having stuff up his ass

lactationkinkilya posted:
I SEE THEM I SWEAR I SEE THEM THEY’RE THERE 

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ lactationkinkilya
#a random roman scout on the germanic border in 375ad

shanehussy posted:
IT’S THEM

hockeysulcazzo posted:
MY PARENTS

shanesluckypuck posted:
THEY’RE ON STAGE

ridetheinvisiblepuck posted:
BABIESSSSSSSSSS (they’re grown men)

gayhockeists posted:
HOLLANOVSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

hollanovs posted:
EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP 

ichosecaringhockey posted:
whatever the fuck is going on right now

shanesluckypuck reblogged ⇄ ichosecaringhockey
#fyi what’s happening is that the host are singing the tune to anastasia but they’re dressed like hockey players #i guess because ilya is russian

puckinghollanov reblogged ⇄ shanesluckypuck
#ok so i’m not hallucinating

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ puckinghollanov
#funniest bit is that if anastasia romanov was not dead ilya would shoot her again

amorehockeyealtridemoni posted:
ilya’s got a glee in his eyes you can only see in the gays and the theys on poppers outside soho nightclubs

randomisedfiorello reblogged ⇄ amorehockeyealtridemoni
#prev standard sanremo experience tbh

ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ randomisedfiorello
#i can see ilya’s gay radar going overdrive

madonnailya reblogged ⇄ ilyasprincealbert
#he’s activating like a sleeper agent  

altarivalita posted:
omg that’s damian on the other side!

madonnailya posted:
damian clara being 6’6” man trying to hide behind someone (fiorello) who’s 6’ on a good day is frying me 

chosecaringhockey posted:
amadeus: italy’s best hockey prospect, damian clara
ilya: not if i can fucking help it

altarivalita posted:
ilya: have you ever thought of playing hockey? you should join
fiorello, so horny he can’t think: i can’t skate
ilya: is okay, neither can hayden pike 

shanehussy posted:
‘i read machiavelli to relax’ cut to shane turning to ilya like ???????? no you don't wtf????????????

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ shanehussy
#is this because clara said is fav author is dostoevsky im fking crying

huckeysucchiaggio posted:
fiorello: so you’re pushing for hockey to be an open environment
shane: yes. unlike our marriage.

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ huckeysucchiaggio
#LITERALLTYKSLASDKJFDSJKA

ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ gayhockeists
#I CANT FUCKING BREATHEJASDBAKSD 

ridetheinvisiblepuck posted:
we're just doing whatever at this point. the rituals etc.

subhollander reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
well that was a convoluted way for fiorello to touch ilya’s abs

gayhockeists reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#slut ilya you're so dear #to me #not to shane

ilyasnipplepiercing reblogged ⇄ subhollander
#DID HE JUST GIFT HIM A BUTT PLUG?????

altarivalita reblogged ⇄ ilyasnipplepiercing
AND HANDCUFFS?????????????

ridetheinvisiblepuck reblogged ⇄ altarivalita
#apology tour OVER

ilyasprincealbert reblogged ⇄ ridetheinvisiblepuck
#murder suicide is IN

huckeysucchiaggio posted:
damian clara rn

hockeysucchiaggio posted:
wait what the fuck did he just say

lactationkinkilya posted:
ILYA WHAT THE FSDJF

madonnailya posted:
ILYA

subhollander posted:
oh my god

shanesluckypuck posted:
SOMEONE FUCJBG MUZZLE HIM

—

22nd February. Sanremo. It's 3.10am.

It's late and he's bone-tired and he wishes he could be in bed, at the cottage, back in Canada. But they're here, they're gold medallists together, and it's just the last stretch of this journey, this TV appearance, and so: yes, they're trying to make hockey accessible to everyone, regardless of ethnicity, gender identity, and sexual orientation. And: There’s a lot of things people say online, says one of the hosts. Amadeus? Ilya isn’t sure. It feels like he's on drugs. “Like that you’re trying to push the LGBT agenda.”

“Well,” says Shane, easily, beside him. Diplomatic, as usual. “If the agenda is winning, then yes.”

There’s laughter around the theatre. And you, says the other host, Fiorello?, addressing Ilya. "There are still a lot of religious people online who are quite—uh— upset at what you said a couple of weeks ago. And I understand. I was excommunicated, too, once. Quite a few priests and other religious figures posting tweets against you on Twitter." 

“That is fine,” says Ilya, offering his best smile. Fake teeth and all. “I understand why they wouldn’t like me, the priests.”

Shane stills, because of course he does. He knows him better than he knows himself. 

“Yes?” asks Amadeus.

“Sure,” says Ilya.  “Because I am older than 12.”

fin (for real).

Chapter End Notes

mind you, most if not all of the things in sanremo (the festival that inspired eurovision, btw) happened for real at some point, including the butt plugs and the handcuffs. and they do invite international guests every year.

if this made you laugh, let me know. i had a blast writing it. in the meantime, bonus:

13th February, unspecified location. 7.59pm.

Group chat (200+ people)

Ilya: hi all

Ilya: i've heard damian clara from the italian team has a stash of condoms left and is happy to share because he's not getting any

Ilya: everyone else - bid starts again tomorrow 8am for one condom at the price of 20 cannoli

Ilya: the big ones 😉 i wouldn't know what to do with the small kind