Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander, Harris Drover, Original Characters

Additional Tags:

married hollanov, Sports commentary, Humor, Shane secretly being into it, Twitter, professionalism is optional, Ilya says what we all are thinking, Ilya Rozanov Rage Baits, Sexual Humor, Freak4Freak Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Language:

English

Series:

Part 5 of This Is Why We Have Media Training

Collections:

No thoughts just gay hockey, The best pairings to bask in, Hollanov

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-13 Words: 3,922 Chapters: 1/1

Loose Lips Sink Ships

Summary

"Good evening, everyone. Joining us in the booth tonight is former Centaurs captain Ilya Rozanov."

"And there's Shane Hollander with the puck," Ilya greeted warmly. "Talented and beautiful man with incredible thighs. Married, unfortunately for the rest of you."

The broadcast camera zoomed in on Shane's face.

"That's my husband," Ilya added, just in case anyone had forgotten.

The Ottawa Centaurs are playing Montreal in the most anticipated matchup of the season. Unfortunately for everyone involved, retired Centaurs legend Ilya Rozanov has been invited to guest commentate.

Featuring: biased commentary, Montreal slander, and aggressive husband hyping.

Notes

I have never done sports commentary in my life, so if anything here reads like I learned everything I know from watching one YT video at 2 am... just indulge me. We're all here for the married hollanov agenda anyways amiright?

Also I have stopped trying to keep up with a consistent captain title between these two so let's just pretend they're captainfluid in this series lol

The elevator doors slid open onto the media level, and Ilya stepped out to see the hallway outside the broadcast booths buzzing with pre-game energy.

He let a small smirk play across his face as he strolled toward the booth. Retirement had turned out to be... strange. No practices meant no one yelling at him before sunrise. No road trips meant no team meals where someone inevitably put pineapple on pizza. But nights like this - with Shane somewhere down there on the ice - almost made up for all of it.

He pushed open the booth door. Inside, a perfectly organized desk stretched along the window overlooking the rink. Behind the desk sat a man in his early thirties.

He stood up. "You must be Rozanov."

"I usually am," Ilya said pleasantly, because what was the point of being retired if you couldn't enjoy yourself a little?

The man stuck out a hand. "Amir Haddad. Play-by-play."

Ilya shook it. This one would be fun to torment.

"Color commentary," Amir said, gesturing to the empty chair beside him. "Though I get the feeling you'll be adding... something extra."

"Oh, I am extremely professional," Ilya said, arranging his face into his most serious expression.

Amir gave him a look that suggested he had maybe read one or two articles about Ilya Rozanov in his lifetime. 

"Sure."

Ilya dropped into the chair. The ice below gleamed under the arena lights. Both teams were sliding out for warmups now.

Even from this high up, Ilya could pick Shane out instantly.

"Wow," Amir said beside him. "They weren't kidding about the view up here."

"Oh, the view is excellent," Ilya murmured, eyes fixed on a specific red jersey.

Shane joined the Centaurs line at center ice, staring straight ahead like a man who took his national anthems very seriously.

A headset appeared in front of him. Behind the glass, a producer gave him a thumbs up that looked slightly nervous, like he was hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

"Alright, Rozanov," the producer's voice crackled in his ear. "Mic check."

Ilya slipped on the headset and leaned toward the microphone.

"Hello," Ilya said clearly. "Testing. Testing. Hollander's husband speaking. Am I audible?"

Another voice blasted into his headset. "Rozanov."

"Harris," Ilya said brightly. "So nice to hear your voice."

"This is the most anticipated game of the season," Harris said. "You need to behave normally."

"I know," Ilya said reasonably. "But I cannot behave too much."

"Why not?"

"Because you refused to let me wear Shane's jersey."

"Ilya," Harris said slowly, "you are a commentator. Commentators cannot wear player jerseys."

"It would have shown support."

"It would have shown bias."

"I am biased," Ilya pointed out. "I am literally married to one of the players."

"We know," Harris said tiredly. "Just - talk about the game. The strategies. The scores. Not your husband's thighs."

"I will," Ilya promised.

The national anthem ended. Players lined up for the opening faceoff.

In Ilya's ear, the producer counted down. "We're live in five."

Amir straightened his notes and cleared his throat. 

"Four."

The arena roared around them. 

"Three."

Ilya's eyes found Shane skating toward center ice.

"Two."

Amir leaned toward his microphone.

"One."

The broadcast theme music swelled through the speakers.

Amir's voice slipped smoothly into professional mode. "Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the Bell Centre for tonight's matchup between the Montreal Voyageurs and the Ottawa Centaurs. Joining us in the booth tonight is former Centaurs captain Ilya Rozanov."

Ilya leaned into the mic.

"And there's Shane Hollander with the puck," he greeted warmly. "Talented and beautiful man with incredible thighs. Married, unfortunately for the rest of you."

"Rozanov," the producer whispered urgently, "please talk about the play."

"I am," Ilya said calmly. "The play is Shane Hollander."

On the ice, Montreal won the draw. A defenseman wound up and took a long shot from the blue line. It sailed three feet wide, missing the net entirely and thudding harmlessly into the boards.

"That shot," Ilya said thoughtfully, "had all the accuracy of a drunk moose trying to find its car in a parking lot."

The puck bounced awkwardly behind the net. A Montreal winger chased after it, promptly tripped over his own skates, and went down in a heap.

"Ah yes," Ilya continued. "Classic Montreal strategy. Fall over and hope for emotional support from the refs."

"Rozanov," Amir said carefully, "you used to play against these guys."

"And I beat them frequently," Ilya said. "We are all comfortable with the truth."

Down on the ice, Shane intercepted a pass and carried the puck up the boards with that powerful stride that made everyone else look like they were skating in quicksand.

"Look at him skating," Ilya said reverently. "Like a ballet dancer who also happens to be able to break your ribs."

The broadcast camera zoomed in on Shane's face.

"That's my husband," Ilya added, just in case anyone had forgotten.

Amir froze mid-breath. "...Did you just say husband?"

"Yes," Ilya said happily. "I am very proud. We have a daughter. He steals my hoodies."

@420poundschickenwings

THEY HAVE A DAUGHTER??????????

> @harrystylesmyhusband

Wait but like... did they adopt?? Surrogacy?? When did they have time?? Shane is literally always playing hockey O.o

> @bigkidenergy

...guys I think he means the dog

> @neurospicynots0rry

THE DOG'S NAME IS ANYA. THEY CALL HER THEIR DAUGHTER!!!!

> @shanesweatyhairline

So let me get this straight. Daughter = Anya the dog. Son = Luca Hass, actual human hockey player ⁉️

> @whore4voyageurs

wtf is this interspecial family tree 👽👾🤖👹

On the ice, Troy stole the puck and passed it Shane, who cut toward the net with purpose.

"Look at that," Ilya said softly. "God, I love him."

"Rozanov," Amir said. "We've been live for four minutes."

"Four minutes of quality content," Ilya said happily. "The people deserve this."

@expiredpussydepression

omfggg this reminds me of the interview where roz was asked his pre-game meal and he said "a kiss from my husband"

AND THE REPORTER WAS LIKE "...that's not - ok what about hydration"

AND ROZ SAID "I drink from the fountain of his love" (iykyk💦🍆)

On the ice, the puck took a little tour through Ottawa's zone before Bood swooped in along the boards, collected it and carried it clean through the neutral zone.

One of Montreal's forwards tried to enter the zone and immediately lost the puck to Wyatt.

"A very strong defensive play by Hazy," Ilya said

Amir nodded quickly, relieved to be back on normal commentary ground. "Yes, excellent stick positioning - "

"And also that Montreal forward skates like baby giraffe."

On the ice, Montreal tried to regroup. One of their defenders wound up for a hit on Luca along the boards. The defender charged. Luca sidestepped, and the defender hit nothing but air and boards.

"Beautiful," Ilya said. "Like matador."

The Montreal crowd jeered louder.

Ilya waved at the camera. "Such knowledgeable fans."

A Montreal forward picked up the puck near center ice and tried to stickhandle through the neutral zone.

"This man," Ilya announced, "handles puck like handling hot potato."

The forward promptly lost the puck to Chouinard.

Ilya spread his hands. "You see? Potato theory correct."

Another Montreal player tried to check Shane behind the net. Bounced off like he'd hit a brick wall. Shane kept the puck, circled around, and passed it out to the point.

Ilya made a pleased noise. "Look at that. Excellent core strength."

Amir hesitated. "Did you help with that training?"

Ilya nodded. "Yes. We do core exercises together."

"...How?"

"Planking. While making eye contact."

@chronicallycringeNcute

POV: you're a rookie on the centaurs and you're sitting next to Ilya on the bench

you: exists

Ilya, not looking at you, eyes glued to #24: he's so talented

you: ...yeah he's really good

Ilya: no. you don't understand. he's PERFECT. look at his skates. they touch the ice. and the ice touches him. and I touch him. at home. in our bed.

you: ...I'm gonna go sit somewhere else 🤢

@downbadforrealmenthatdontknow_i_exist

THE INTERVIEW WHERE ILYA WAS ASKED WHAT HIS GUILTY PLEASURE IS

Ilya: I have no guilt. only pleasure. and the pleasure is my husband.

Reporter: no like... a TV show? food?

Ilya: sometimes I watch Shane sleep. for hours. is that TV?

Reporter: that's... that's breaking and entering of the soul

Ilya: we're married 🤷‍♀️

The puck came back to Shane at the blue line. He faked a shot, deked around one defender, then another.

Ilya gripped the edge of the desk. "Look at him. This is poetry on ice."

Shane fired. The goalie made the save, barely.

Ilya slapped the desk anyway. "So close! Great effort!"

Amir looked at him. "He didn't score."

"He tried his best," Ilya said firmly. "That is what matters. We do not shame in this household."

@wrongpersonrighttime

"WE DO NOT SHAME IN THIS HOUSEHOLD" ILYA 👏 ROZANOV 👏 EVERYONE 👏

@shaydenontop

the team therapist: Ilya, have you been working on having an identity separate from your husband?

Ilya: yes. I am Ilya Rozanov :) Shane Hollander's husband :) and also hockey player :)

therapist: that's still - 

Ilya: AND also the person who knows Shane Hollander's coffee order :) and the person who holds Shane Hollander at night :) and the person who - 

therapist: I see we have more work to do 😮‍💨

Ilya: I am also the person who would die for Shane Hollander :)

On the ice, Montreal iced the puck. Again.

Ilya sighed dramatically. "This team. They ice puck more than they create chances."

Amir tried to defend them. "Well, sometimes under pressure - "

"Under pressure," Ilya repeated. "What pressure? Shane is not even near them. They ice puck because they are scared of future. They know he will come back. They live in fear."

Down on the ice, a Montreal forward accidentally tripped over his own feet. 

Ilya gasped. 

"Injury?" he asked, concerned for half a second. Then he watched the replay on the monitor. "Oh. No. Just skill issue."

@wrongpersonrighttime

"JUST SKILL ISSUE" I'M SCREAMING ♨︎_♨︎

The forward got up, embarrassed. Crowd jeered. Not sure if at him or at Ilya.

Ilya shrugged. "He is fine. Embarrassment builds character."

Amir turned to him. "You can't just say that about players."

"It already happened. No takesies backsies."

@cillianmurphys_oceaneyes ✔️

news is that the OTHER WAGs have started using Ilya as a litmus test for their own relationships

like if their boyfriend/husband doesn't look at them the way Ilya looks at Shane, they consider leaving

one of them literally said "if he doesn't watch me sleep for at least 20 minutes, is he even my soulmate?" 😡

Another Montreal player took a penalty, nowhere near the play. 

Ilya applauded slowly. "Excellent. Take penalty when you already losing. Great strategy. Gold medal in bad decisions."

The Montreal crowd jeered the player. Then jeered the booth, just in case.

Ilya waved again. "Thank you Montreal fans! Wrong about everything, but loud!"

@hollanders_leftnut

the team did a "get to know me" video and asked Ilya his favorite smell

Ilya: Shane's neck after a game

Shane: I smell like a hockey locker room

Ilya: you smell like home

I threw up 🤮 Ilya is prolly like "mmm yes. my favorite. eau de hockey."

> @shanecurious

bro just say you wish you were ilya and move on 😭 the jealousy here is CRAZY

> @hollanders_leftnut

I mean I thought that was obvious!?!?!? I NEED that Shane cookie sooo bad 😩

> @rozanovcult

NAHHHH y’all are not about to sit here acting like Hollander is the prize when Ilya Rozanov exists

that man looks like a literal greek god with those curls and absss arghgghhg

…nvm ignore me im ovulating 😵‍💫

> @shanes_goodboy

i wanna be called good boy by shane once and i’d be like woof woof overtime overtake me pls pls

> @rozanovcult

actually since we're discussing this please see this article from last year [https://www.pride.com/culture/tv/heated-rivalry-sex-scenes-ranked] with full citations proving that ILYA IS THE #DADDYDOMTOP AND SHANE IS THE #PILLOWPRINCESSBOTTOM

> @shanecurious

NOT THE PEER REVIEWED HOCKEY YAOI ANALYSIS 😭

> @shanes_goodboy

NOOOOOO I REJECT THIS

I AM A #subtopilya AND #dombottomshane TRUTHER

@rozanovs_rightnut

[ID: screenshot of Ilya's Spotify wrapped]

top artist: Shane Hollander's breathing (recorded secretly for 3 years)

top song: Shane humming in the shower (10 hour loop)

minutes listened: 47,892

genre: my husband

On the ice, Shane jumped over the boards again. 

Ilya lit up. "Oh! He's back! Hello handsome!"

Amir looked at the camera. "And Shane Hollander returns to the ice."

The puck found Shane immediately. He carried it in, cycled, and got it back. 

Ilya clapped anyway. "Good try baby! Next time!"

@certifiedloverboyreject

Producer muted him again and he started talking LOUDER INTO AMIR'S MIC 🥲

@singlebutreadytomingle

Ilya at the team charity gala:

wore a tie that matched Shane's eyes (he brought a color swatch to the store)

gave a speech about "the importance of giving back" that somehow became a 10 minute speech about "the importance of my husband"

bid $10,000 on a date with Shane

Shane was sitting next to him

won the date

said "best money I ever spent"

🙏

The puck cycled slowly along the boards. A little lull in the play.

Which, unfortunately for everyone involved, meant Ilya had time to talk again.

He leaned toward the microphone, ready to share. "Fun fact," he said conversationally. "Shane once tried to surprise me with breakfast in bed. Tripped on rug. Pancakes flew everywhere. Landed on our daughter."

Amir covered his mouth. "On the daughter?"

"Anya was very confused. Also very covered in syrup. She loved it. I laughed so hard I fell off bed."

Below them, a Montreal winger dumped the puck into Ottawa's zone.

Amir tried valiantly to comment on it. "Montreal setting up the forecheck - "

"Another fun fact," Ilya continued. “He once tried to cut my hair during quarantine. Very bad idea. I wore hats for three months."

Amir stared. "Three months?"

"It was very bad. He meant well. But now we have rule: no haircuts, no pancakes, no fire alarms."

Shane made a nice pass. Ilya beamed.

"Also, he once spent two hours helping me find my phone. While I was talking to him on it."

Amir paused. "Wait. You were talking to him. On the phone. That you lost."

"Yes. It was very sweet he didn't hang up."

In the headset, Harris exhaled. "Rozanov, please stop sharing private marital information."

On the ice, a Montreal player mishandled the puck and sent it sliding harmlessly to the boards.

Ilya tilted his head. "That man has same puck control as shopping cart with broken wheel."

In the headset, Harris sounded like he was actively lying on the floor of the production truck. "Rozanov, the league office is texting again."

"Tell them hello."

On the ice, Shane hopped off for a line change, skating to the bench.

Ilya sighed like someone had just told him his favorite show was canceled. "My favorite player leaves."

Amir looked at the clock. "It's been thirty seconds."

"Longest thirty seconds of my life."

@dadboddevotee

Ilya: in the middle of a game on the bench screaming

teammate: what what's wrong

Ilya: SHANE JUST WINKED AT ME

teammate: from the ice?? while playing??

Ilya: YES HE WINKED I'M PREGNANT

teammate: that's not how that works

Ilya: IDC I'M PREGNANT WITH LOVE

On the ice, Montreal took another shot. This one flew straight at the goalie and hit him square in the chest, right in the logo. Easy save. Nothing burger.

Ilya shrugged like he'd just watched someone trip over their own feet. "Is very predictable."

Amir tried again to restore some kind of order to the broadcast. "Montreal generating some pressure here - "

"That defenseman looks nervous," Ilya interrupted.

Amir exhaled through his nose.  "You're ragebaiting an entire fanbase."

Ilya considered this for a moment, then nodded like it was a reasonable observation. "I am retired," he said. "I need hobby."

Below them, the scoreboard glowed.

Centaurs 3 – Montreal 3

Two minutes left.

The Bell Centre buzzed with nervous energy.

On the ice, Montreal controlled the puck briefly, skating into Ottawa’s zone. One of their forwards tried a flashy deke and immediately lost it to Shane.

Amir leaned toward his mic. “Hollander takes the puck through center ice - ”

“He is very handsome when he steals puck,” Ilya added.

On the ice, Shane jumped back over the boards. The puck found him at the blue line. He deked past one defender like he wasn't even there.

Ilya gripped the edge of the desk. "Yes," he whispered.

Another defender stepped in. Shane slipped past him too, and cut toward the slot, finding space where there shouldn't be any.

Ilya was already half-standing, leaning over the desk like he could jump through the glass if he tried hard enough. "Look at him go - "

Shane shot.

The puck snapped past the goalie's glove and into the net, top corner, beautiful shot.

For half a second the arena froze. 

"YES!" Ilya shouted, leaping to his feet so fast the chair nearly tipped over behind him. He slammed both hands on the desk, making everything rattle. "THAT'S MY HUSBAND!"

The headset cord nearly yanked out as he pointed triumphantly at the ice, like a man claiming victory in battle.

"I MARRY THAT MAN!"

Beside him, Amir stared straight ahead at the monitors, probably dissociating a little bit.

"…Goal by Hollander."

In Ilya's headset, the producer was screaming. 

"ROZANOV SIT DOWN"

"I AM SITTING WITH EMOTION FOR MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!"

On the ice, Shane skated past the glass during the celebration, doing that slow glide where players acknowledge the crowd. For exactly half a second, he glanced up at the booth. 

It was just a quick look, but everyone saw it. It said, plain as day, I will deal with you later.

Ilya blew him a kiss anyway.

Amir slowly leaned back in his chair, like a man accepting his fate. "I don't think commentators are supposed to celebrate like that."

"You celebrate when excellence happens."

In the headset, Harris sounded seconds away from death. "Rozanov please don't call him 'my beautiful wife.'"

Ilya frowned. "He likes it."

Amir looked at him sideways. "Does he?"

"No."

On the ice, Montreal resumed play, probably trying to forget the last thirty seconds happened. One of their forwards lost the puck again, just gave it away.

Ilya leaned into the microphone again. "Montreal fans are very emotional tonight."

Amir nodded, deadpan. "I wonder why."

Thirty seconds later, the final buzzer sounded. Game over. Centaurs win.

Ilya spread his arms wide like a man welcoming the end of a great opera, basking in the moment.

"Ah," he said happily. "Justice."

Amir exhaled, the breath of a man who had survived something. "Well," he said into the mic. "The Ottawa Centaurs take the win tonight with a late goal from captain Shane Hollander."

Ilya leaned over and added his own thoughts: "Excellent decision by Shane Hollander to be best player on ice."

In the booth, the lights dimmed a little as they wrapped up. 

Ilya stretched happily. "That was fun." 

Amir looked at him. "That's one word for it."

"We should do this again."

"I need therapy first."

Ilya patted him on the shoulder. "You adapt. Like houseplant."

Amir stared at him. "Did you just compare me to a fern?"

"Yes. Is very resilient. Gets watered sometimes."

In the hallway outside the booth, Harris was leaning against the wall, staring at the ceiling, phone in hand with hundreds of unread messages from the league office.

Ilya smiled at him. "Good game, yes?"

Harris closed his eyes.

Ilya patted his shoulder too as he walked past. "You also resilient. Like cactus, but need less water."

~

Shane stood at the podium in full post-game mode. The reporters were already buzzing with barely contained energy. Because while Shane had been busy scoring the game-winning goal, the entire hockey world had spent the last hour listening to his retired husband publicly lose his mind in the broadcast booth.

A reporter raised her hand immediately. "Shane, congratulations on the win. You scored the game-winner with under a minute left. What was going through your mind in that moment?"

Shane nodded politely. "Just trying to execute the play. We had good pressure, good puck movement. I saw the lane and took the shot."

Another reporter leaned forward, and everyone in the room could feel the shift in energy. This was the question they'd all been waiting for.

"Shane, did you hear any of Ilya Rozanov's commentary after the game?"

Ah. There it was.

Shane took a slow sip from his water bottle. "I try not to listen to outside noise during games."

Several reporters exchanged knowing looks. 

"Even when that outside noise is your husband screaming 'that's my husband' on national television?"

Shane felt the corner of his mouth twitch. He cleared his throat, getting himself back under control. "Well," he said carefully, "he's enthusiastic."

That was apparently the opening the reporters had been waiting for. Hands shot up everywhere.

"Did you hear him call you 'his favorite player'?"

"What about when he said you mauled his hair?"

"Did you know he told the entire broadcast you tripped on a rug?"

Shane closed his eyes long enough to mentally file this under Reasons To Have A Conversation With Ilya Later.

Then he opened them again and shrugged. "I mean… those things are accurate."

Another reporter jumped in before the laughter could die down. "Did you appreciate the support from the booth tonight?"

Shane hesitated.

If this had been years ago - he probably would have deflected. Given some boring captain answer about focusing on the game. Changed the subject to something safe like special teams or faceoff percentage.

But now he was very tired from a hard game. And also, if he was being honest with himself, a little bit amused. More than a little bit, actually.

"I mean," Shane said, "he's my husband."

There was a noticeable pause in the room. Because Shane Hollander did not usually say things like that so casually. He was the king of boring answers.

He continued. "He's supposed to hype me up."

One of the reporters said slowly, "You're… okay with the commentary?"

Shane's mouth twitched again. "I mean," he said, "I scored, didn't I?"

Another one asked, barely containing laughter, "So you're not… upset?"

Shane looked mildly confused. "Why would I be upset?"

"He insulted like six Montreal players."

Shane nodded thoughtfully. "Only six?"

One last reporter raised a hand, clearly savoring this moment. "Shane, Twitter is calling tonight's broadcast 'the most unhinged commentary in NHL history.' Any thoughts?"

"Well," Shane said, "he's been waiting a long time to say those things about the Voyageurs."

@gilfappreciationaccount

THEY'RE BOTH ENABLERS THIS IS WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT 🤪

@sendnoodsimnotacop

so apparently the fans have a theory that Shane is actually MORE obsessed but he's just better at hiding it

and the PROOF is that every single one has caught Shane staring at Ilya when Ilya isn't looking

like full on 🥺🥺🥺 eyes

and when they catch him he goes back to 😑 immediately

@midlifecrisisat23

the way Shane talks about Ilya when Ilya isn't there:

"he's intense but he's MY intense"

"yeah he's a lot. a lot of good."

"I don't deserve him but try telling him that"

"he's the best thing that ever happened to me"

SIR YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE

Outside the arena, a small group of fans spotted Ilya and started cheering. One of them had apparently made a sign that said "THAT'S MY HUSBAND!" with a badly drawn arrow pointing nowhere in particular.

Ilya looked at it and laughed despite himself.