Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Texting, Sexting

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-02 Words: 634 Chapters: 1/1

a numbers game

Summary

Apparently so many of the man-babies in their sport have fucked people with crabs and/or chlamydia that the League has decided that it is necessary for them to all get an hour-long briefing on being a least a little discerning about what hole you stick your cock in. As someone who does not have crabs and/or chlamydia, it is deeply funny to Ilya, made even funnier by the fact that people keep glancing over at him like they think he's the reason for this briefing.

He'll have to be extra slow the next time he showers, so everyone can confirm in person that he is not diseased.

Notes

This is set somewhere in *handwaves* the middle bit. Pre-tuna melt.

The stupid briefing presents the perfect opportunity.

Apparently so many of the man-babies in their sport have fucked people with crabs and/or chlamydia that the League has decided that it is necessary for them to all get an hour-long briefing on being a least a little discerning about what hole you stick your cock in. As someone who does not have crabs and/or chlamydia, it is deeply funny to Ilya, made even funnier by the fact that people keep glancing over at him like they think he's the reason for this briefing.

He'll have to be extra slow the next time he showers, so everyone can confirm in person that he is not diseased.

Their team assistant doctor is now giving a very detailed tutorial on condom usage that Ilya does not in any way require, so he leans back in his chair, pulls out his phone, and sends:

To Jane: have they reached the photos of crabs yet?

Hollander's response takes less than thirty seconds. Naughty boy, texting during the safe sex lecture.

From Jane: don't you need to know all of this? I honestly can't believe you haven't caught anything yet

Ilya grins. Fuck he loves when Hollander gets jealous, especially when he tries to hide it behind his terrible chirping.

To Jane: I know what side of condom is right to go on dick

To Jane: and I am not a fucking moron

From Jane: with the number of people you've fucked I feel like it's just a numbers game at this point 

Ilya isn't 100% sure what a numbers game is, but he can guess.

Instead of answering, he goes through his email to find his latest test results from a couple days ago, then downloads them and texts them over.

To Jane: aww baby don't worry I can still fuck you raw if you want

They've never done that, but he has to smile at the thought of Hollander's face at his text, all scrunched up and pink as he tries to hide how turned on he is from his stupid teammates.

The pause stretches out, long enough for Ilya to wonder whether something came up, or maybe that was too far too fast and he freaked Hollander out.

Finally, finally, when their dead-faced doctor has moved on to demonstrating how to roll a condom onto a dildo in somehow the least sexy way possible, Ilya's phone vibrates.

From Jane: attachment: S.Hollander.Test.02….

From Jane: fuck you 

To Jane: aww baby but you're so good at taking it

From Jane: honestly how do I know your test is even still good

To Jane: haven't fucked anyone since it so unless the crabs are jumping across locker room 

From Jane: I don't think they do that 

To Jane: so still good then

From Jane: doesn't matter it's still a month until I'm in Boston

Ilya's comment about fucking Hollander raw was a joke—not that he wouldn't do it in a heartbeat, but it's not…what they do—but clearly Hollander is thinking about it. And Ilya is not about to let this moment pass without taking full advantage of it.

To Jane: beg: neither of us fuck anyone else until you are in Boston and then I fuck you raw

From Jane: beg???

To Jane: meant to say bet but will take you begging too

From Jane: fuck you

From Jane: anyway you'll never be able to manage it

To Jane: then I don't get to fuck you raw

From Jane: yeah whatever okay

From Jane: what the fuck they look like tiny crabs I need to go scrub off all of my skin

Ilya's laughter cuts off a thrilling explanation of why you shouldn't open a condom with your teeth, but he doesn't care.