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No Archive Warnings Apply

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M/M

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Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike, David Hollander & Shane Hollander & Yuna Hollander & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike & Jackie Pike

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Yuna Hollander, David Hollander, Hayden Pike, Jackie Pike, J. J. Boiziau, Zane Boodram, Evan Dykstra, Wyatt Hayes, Troy Barrett, Brandon Wiebe, Harris Drover, Anya | Ilya Rozanov's Dog

Additional Tags:

Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov Relationship Timeline Reveal, Coming Out, Homophobia, Secret Relationship, Relationship Reveal, Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Being Assholes (Game Changers), Autistic Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, Post-Book 2: Heated Rivalry (Game Changers), Post-Episode: s01e06 The Cottage (Heated Rivalry), Angst with a Happy Ending, Supportive Ottawa Centaurs (Game Changers), Shane Hollander Needs a Hug, Protective Ilya Rozanov, POV Shane Hollander, Social Media, Slurs, montreal is somehow worse than in the books, they are racist sexist homophobic transphobic bigots who dont deserve shane, the chaos gremlin that is ilya rozanov has rubbed of on shane in more ways than one, they get to control how they come out, Relationship Hard Launch, Emotional Hurt/Comfort

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Published: 2026-02-16 Completed: 2026-02-22 Words: 37,182 Chapters: 14/14

How to Build a Legacy

Summary

Shane knows the plan to wait to come out until they retire isn't ideal, but he doesn't have a better one. He thinks that he and Ilya can make it work, until his mom points out how long they will have to live their lives in the shadows.

But once he realizes that, he immediately knows that he can't come out. It would ruin his legacy.

He's pretty sure that's why he doesn't want to come out. No other reason. Right?

He is sure that's all it is until Ilya asks him if he would be safe if he came out. And he can't answer.

-------

or Yuna does the math on the retirement plan and when she points this out it opens Shane's eyes.

-------

also known as this author had (1) idea for a scene and had to reverse engineer a multi-chapter fic to make it happen.

Notes

I have been a fanfic reader for years (decades?) and have literally never wanted to write my own fanfic. And then I had an idea for a way that Shane and Ilya could come out if fanmail didn't exist and I couldn't get it out of my head. So 37,000 words later here we are, my first ever fanfic. I am as stunned as you are.

I did have to change some things in canon to make the idea work, but most of it is just things happening a bit earlier than in canon.

This story is complete, and will post over the next week or so.

Thanks to my vibes beta, my partner, who has never read a single word of fanfic, but has read every word of this.

Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1: February/March 2019

Chapter Summary

Ilya says something that makes Shane realize that they aren't on the same page about the waiting until retirement plan. They argue about it.

He then talks to his parents about the argument and unfortunately for him, they point some things out.

2019

Mid February

It was a rare weekend where neither of them were on a road swing of games and Shane had driven to Ottawa after his Friday afternoon game in Montreal. Ilya had a late dinner ready for the two of them and after finishing they were relaxing on the couch of Ilya’s large living room talking about their last few games and their teams. Well, Ilya was talking about his team, Shane didn’t have a lot to share beyond what was going on with Hayden’s family. Ilya was talking about how Bood had hosted a party a couple of weeks ago that he hadn’t gone to because he was in Montreal with Shane, but he wanted to go to the next one, because he hated missing out on team bonding, even if it was for a good cause.

“He has them all the time, he loves hosting. Maybe next year we can be friends to more people and you could come to one with me! Would be so fun to see your boring interact with my fun team.”  Ilya mused.

“I don’t know if we will be able to be that close in public in less than a year. We have years of rivalry to counter at this point. We haven’t even announced the Foundation yet.” Shane countered. They had hoped to announce it closer to All-Stars, but the league leaned back into the rivalry aggressively after last year and they weren’t sure how to make it work. Now the plan was to announce it before playoffs started, at the last regular season Ottawa/Montreal game.  

“But we could start with our teams, and just be friends. We could try smaller groups over the summer. Plus your family lives here, so simple excuse for you, nothing else to do in this boring city but hang out with Yuna and David. I am much more appealing choice of company.” Despite the wink accompanying this statement Shane could hear a bit of mulishness creeping into Ilya’s voice.  

“You love spending time with my mom and dad, maybe more than you like spending time with me,” Shane tried to deflect, hoping Ilya would take the bait, to either tease or defend him. Either would be fine, and both probably would lead to less talking and more kissing. 

“We have to show people we are friends somehow.” Ilya stubbornly didn’t bite the lure of the joke. “How else will we start to change the narrative?” Narrative rolling off his tongue in an exaggeration of his accent. 

“Right, but that is going to take time. And we have to be careful about how we do it.” Shane reasoned. 

“I guess…” Shane could hear the pout in Ilya’s voice. It pissed him off. 

“You guess?” Shane interrupted sarcastically. “Well, excuse me for wanting to be a bit more sure about something that could out both of us if we aren’t careful.” He waited for Ilya to respond. 

They had had versions of this conversation over the last year and a half since they had officially gotten together, and increasingly, and especially since Ilya had moved to Ottawa, it seemed like they were less and less on the same page. Ilya seemed to want to push the boundaries of the plan, despite them both agreeing that they were not going to come out as a couple until they retired. This shift in Ilya’s attitude worried him. There was no way to only sort of come out. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. And if both of them were out and friendly in public people would start to put the pieces together. 

“Ilya – I thought we agreed that we would wait.” Shane tried to reason. 

“Wait to come out publicly, yes. Not wait to live our lives.” 

“What do you mean?” Shane spluttered. 

Ilya didn’t respond right away. Shane rushed to fill the silence. “Our lives are hockey. If we come out we could lose that.” 

“Your life is Hockey, Shane,” Ilya accused. “I want more than just Hockey.”

“I do too, that’s not what I meant,” Shane defended, “I just meant–”

“Yes I know what you meant,” Ilya interrupted, “Hockey is more important than our relationship.”

“That’s not what I said!” 

“Is same.” Ilya muttered petulantly. 

“No it's not,” Shane rushed to explain “you know what I meant. Our relationship will still be there when we retire, but we are building our legacies now.”

“But…” Ilya tried to interject. 

“We don’t want to be those queer hockey players that are accused of throwing games for each other, that every question we get asked is about being gay and what your losses and wins and everything means to the LGBTQ community, I’ve seen how it has changed things for Hunter.” 

“That dinosaur is not as good at hockey as us.” Ilya tried to steer the conversation back to less combative ground. “Being friends around our teams doesn’t mean we would be out, just would mean we get to spend more time together.” 

“But people would figure it out!” Shane cried. “There’s no way you could keep your flirting under control and keep your hands to yourself. We would be found out so fast.” 

“But we could keep it to people we trust, so if that happened we would be safe.” Ilya reasoned. 

“It’s almost as if you want to come out.” Shane threw out. There was a pause. This time Shane didn’t rush to fill the silence. He was completely thrown off. He thought they were on the same page. It was too dangerous. Especially for Ilya, he still was a Russian citizen. But for both of them. This wasn’t the plan. 

“I guess,” the words left Ilya’s mouth slowly, deliberately. Different from when he was trying to translate, more like he was weighing each word on some invisible set of scales. “I can think of worse things.” Another pause. “I just want to have our future sooner. Or at least parts of it.” 

This shocked Shane. Since he had admitted to himself, and subsequently to Ilya, that he was gay, he had settled into thinking about his life in two phases. During Hockey and After Hockey. He was a Hockey player now, he could be The Gay Hockey Player later. He thought Ilya did too. Shane tried to assimilate this discordancy into his understanding of the world. It wasn’t fitting, it was sharp and dangerous and destabilizing. 

Ilya kept speaking, Shane hearing him as if through a closed door, muffled by the chaos of his brain going into overdrive. “I just – miss you. All the time.” Ilya confessed quietly. “I thought last year was bad, being with you, but so far away. I thought being here would fix.” He continued quickly at the look of confusion that Shane couldn’t keep off his face. “Is better. Much better. But…” 

“But what?” 

“Is not enough.” 

“What?” Shane choked out. “What do you mean?” His mind was racing, trying to figure out how to make the pain of hearing that Ilya wasn’t happy with their relationship go away. “What’s not enough?” His voice thick with unshed tears.

“Not you, дорогой (dorogoy)[sweetheart],” Ilya rushed to reassure, “Never you. Just want more time. And want to share how much I love you more. Second best hockey player is mine.” 

Shane took a shaky breath. “Ok, so…” Shane didn’t know what to say. Ilya had brought him back from the brink of a panic attack, but he knew that they still weren’t on the same page. “What do you want to do?” 

“Can we think about ways to spend time together around friends?” Ilya asked. “Maybe telling specific people we trust, like Sveta and Rose, that we are together?” 

“Maybe…?” Shane reluctantly said. He wasn’t sure how this solved things. It's not like he had that many people to tell. And Ilya was new to his team, who would he want to tell, who would be safe to tell this soon? 

“It doesn’t have to be right now, or even soon,” Ilya rushed to say. “Maybe we just talk about it and figure out plan.” 

“Ok,” Shane was relieved, he could work with making a plan. Plans to keep them safe. “Just to be clear though, we aren’t talking about coming out publicly, either separately or as a couple right?” 

Another pause. “Right.” Ilya said quietly and deliberately. Shane wasn’t sure if Ilya had more to say, but before he could push, Ilya tugged him between his legs and hugged him tightly. “We can talk about this later, I only have you for 18 more hours, we must make the most of them”. 

Shane allowed himself to be distracted, but a seed of unease settled in his mind that he knew wouldn’t go away even after a round of wonderful sex and a night of sleep. 

Two Weeks Later

Shane had been stewing over the conversation about coming out for weeks now. He had been vacillating between trying to figure out plans that would work for them to be a little bit more open, anxious spirals over the inevitability of their secret getting out, even in the best case scenario, and lingering frustration that Ilya had seemingly changed his mind about the plan. The original plan wasn’t perfect. But it was something they had agreed to and had the least risk to either of them.

“How are you and Ilya doing?” He was brought back into his body by his mom’s question.

“What do you mean?” He stalled.

“Oh, just asking how you all are doing with everything. We saw Ilya last weekend and he seemed a little quiet. We were just wondering if all the travel is piling up and making things hard as playoffs get closer.”

“It was worse last year.” He said shortly.

“Of course, honey” Yuna had a placating tone that bothered him. He was just hoping to have a nice meal with his parents and then enjoy watching Ilya’s game against Colorado. Ilya had one more game on this west coast roadie and then he would be back. They would have a day before Shane had to go to Florida, South Carolina, and Washington. They had been pretty lucky up until this point with their road trips, but the in the lead up to playoffs their home stretches barely overlapped.

“Shane? Do you want to talk about anything?” David asked. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, of course,” He replied reflexively.

His parents eyed him and said nothing.

As the weight of their gazes bore down on him he caved. “It’s just, Ilya and I had an argument a couple of weeks ago about our plan to keep everything quiet.” He admitted while staring at his half eaten dinner. “It seems like Ilya has changed his mind about the whole waiting for retirement to come out plan, which is insane especially since he doesn’t even have Canadian citizenship. I don’t know where the fuck this is coming from. We can’t fucking come out. It would ruin everything. I don't understand it. I thought we had agreed this was the best plan.” The words rushed out in a wave. Uncontrolled, rapid, and fierce.

His parents looked at each other for a moment, and seemed to have a wordless conversation before looking back at him.

“What?!” He snapped.

“Shane, honey, we understand that you don’t want to come out right now,” Yuna started.

“Of course I don’t! I would be the poster boy for diversity in hockey! More than I already am!” He interrupted.

“Listen.” Yuna said firmly. “We understand your worries. We do. And I’m pretty sure Ilya does as well. We just think that maybe you aren’t thinking about what waiting till retirement to come out really means.”

“How so?” Shane was sure they were wrong. He had done nothing but turn this over in his head since the moment he finally accepted his sexuality.

“Well for one thing, how long are you planning on playing?” Yuna asked.

“As long as possible, obviously.” This answer was said quickly as if there was only one answer to even consider. Nearly defensive in its speed. Both his mom and dad smiled wryly, but there was a hint of something else in their looks that he couldn’t quite interpret, sadness, fear, or maybe even pity?

“That’s what I thought,” Yuna responded, “so that means, unless you get hurt, you could easily play into your late thirties.”

“Yeah? I mean that’s the plan.” Shane was confused where she was going with this.

“So that is at least 10 more years, probably more, of hiding yourself from the world. Keeping yours and Ilya’s relationship in the shadows.”

“It’s not ideal, I know.” Shane conceded.

“I’m not even talking about ideal, Shane,” Yuna continued, “is it sustainable, can you survive it?”

Her words hit him like a dirty check into the boards, knocking the wind out of him. He didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. Ilya had put words to how he had been feeling during their argument. It wasn’t enough. He thought that being two hours away from each other would make a world of difference, would soothe the ache that persisted in his chest all of last season while Ilya was still in Boston. It was better, it was. But that’s like saying being hungry is better than being starving. Technically true, but ultimately unsatisfying.

“I don’t know.” He finally admitted. “But I don’t know what to do instead.”

“Kiddo, that’s ok,” David said soothingly, “we can figure it out.”

“I guess…” Shane was unconvinced. “I just don’t know how to partially come out. There’s no way somebody wouldn’t let something slip, or see something, or put the pieces together if they had some of the story.”

“What is it about coming out that scares you the most?”

Shane couldn’t answer Yuna’s question in any sort of satisfying way. “I don’t know, there’s so much that scares me.”

“Then I think you need to think about that, and figure it out. I think the only way to solve this problem is to know exactly what we are facing.” Yuna said matter-of-factly.

“And don’t just bottle this up,” David added, “talk to us. We are happy to help you sort things out.”

“Yeah, I know Dad.”

“And bud? You need to talk to Ilya about this. About what you are scared of and what you want from a life with him now, not just later. And you need to ask him to share his fears and what he wants.”

“I will Dad,” Shane agreed.

“Soon” David pushed.

Chapter 2: March 2019

Chapter Summary

Shane and Ilya talk and realize that they are worried about very different things. They also realize that they are in two very different situations with their teams.

Shane is caught off guard by his inability to answer Ilya's questions and Ilya is very worried that Shane can't answer his questions.

Chapter Notes

This was the scene that made me think I might actually be able to write this and I wouldn't just give this up as a momentary obsession.

hover/click for translations of russian. Also anyone who knows more Russian than google, please feel free to correct my translations.

Three days later

Ilya let himself into Shane's house in Montreal, after driving essentially directly from the airport in Ottawa where his team had arrived home from their roadie. Shane heard the keys in the door and felt his anxiety rise in time with his excitement to see his boyfriend for the first time in over two weeks.

He wanted to rush to hug Ilya, but the food was nearly done, and honestly the risk of getting distracted by each other was too high if he stepped away from the stove. Ilya’s footsteps echoed through the foyer as he called out in greeting.

“Моя любовь (Moya lyubov')[My love], where are you?”

“Kitchen, dinner is almost ready.” Shane called out.

The footsteps got closer and he felt Ilya enter the room. Soon after that Ilya’s arms snaked around his waist and he felt a kiss pressed under his ear.

“What a pretty picture you make мой красивый повар(moy krasivyy povar)[my handsome chef/cook]. Such service.” Ilya purred in his ear.

Shane felt himself melt. The feeling of being back in Ilya’s arms and hearing his voice unaltered by a phone was, as always, the perfect antidote to his anxiety.

“Don’t get used to it,” Shane snarked, “Practice ended early, so I had a little more time.” This was true, but normally Shane would stay after and run extra drills. But with Ilya coming home, he didn’t want to waste a single second of their time together. In his haste to get home, he was, abnormally, the first one out of the locker room today.

“Can you grab plates?” Ilya detangled himself from Shane, his hands squeezing his hips before letting go to go get plates. Ilya set two plates next to the stove and wandered towards the fridge.

“Do you want a ginger ale? Or just water?” Shane heard the fridge open.

“Water is fine.”

Shane turned off the burner, and plated the basic stir fry for both of them. They met at the table, Shane with the plates, Ilya with the drinks. Ilya set down the plates and darted back to the kitchen to get forks for both of them.

As they started eating, Shane’s anxiety started to creep back in. Was this really the time to have this conversation? Their time was so limited and did he really want to bring up something that could cause a fight? Ilya was probably tired after all his travel. Maybe Shane should wait until the morning? Just focus on being together tonight? He could feel his resolve faltering and felt the pull of kicking the can down the road and just enjoying Ilya tonight assert itself.

But of course Ilya noticed. “What is wrong маленький кролик (malen'kiy krolik)[little rabbit]? The food is good. Why aren’t you eating?”.

Shane looked down and in his preoccupation he had only taken a few bites while Ilya was almost done.

“Nothing…” He stalled.

Ilya set his fork down and looked skeptically at him. “Shane…”

“I don’t know, I just, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I leave tomorrow and you probably don’t want to deal with talking about serious shit when we could be just enjoying our time together. It doesn’t matter, we can talk about it some other time.”

“I enjoy talking to you Shane. Is why you are my boyfriend. Too much work if I only liked fucking you.”

“Don’t lie, you love fucking me.”

“Obviously,” Ilya agreed easily, “but I also love knowing what you are thinking. And what is making you anxious. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what is wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just…” Shane didn’t know how to even start the conversation.

“How about this, we finish eating, I shower, then we cuddle on the couch and talk.” Ilya proposed.

The relief was immediate. It felt like a stay of execution had been handed down. The brief reprieve was enough to let him take a bite.

—

After they finished eating, Ilya made a beeline for the bathroom to rinse the plane off and change into comfy clothes. Shane settled down on the couch after washing their dishes and tried to figure out how to even start the conversation as he waited for his boyfriend to come back.

Ilya entered with slightly damp hair, wearing sweats and gloriously shirtless.

Shane rolled his eyes. “That’s not going to help, put a shirt on.”

“But you love my chest, will help keep you calm!” Ilya protested.

“It will make me horny idiot, not calm.”

“Fine, being shirtless will be your reward for having hard conversation since you cannot control yourself.” Ilya turned around.

“You’re one to talk!” Shane shot at his retreating form. “You would not hear a word I say if I was half naked.” Their return to banter was a comfort. Shane could do this. It was about making a plan. To make the plan they needed to know what they wanted.

Ilya wandered back dressed more appropriately and settled down next to Shane on the large couch.

Shane brought one leg up to his chest and turned to face Ilya. Ilya mirrored him, his face open and expectant. He smiled and nodded, indicating that Shane should start.

After a deep breath Shane started, “I guess this is about the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago, last time we were together in person.”

“About being out to friends? And being friends in public да(da)[yes]?”

“Yeah, but more like the whole thing, like making sure we are on the same page and stuff about our plan for things.”

“Okay…?”

“Yeah I guess I was kinda surprised that you want to come out at all, cause it seems so risky because we can’t really take it back, and we don’t know how people will react, and what will happen with our teams and the league and Russia.”

“Yes, that is why we would be careful.” Ilya responded tentatively.

“It just seems like you are less scared of being outed than me, which like I know you have always been more comfortable with your sexuality, but it seems like it's more than that.”

“I suppose… I just, we spent so many years so separated, and now that we are together and honest with each other. I can’t help but want more, more closeness, more time.” Ilya looked down as he admitted this, almost as if he was worried that Shane didn’t feel the same way.

Shane rushed to reassure him, “Ilya, I feel the same way!”

“You do?” The hint of disbelief in Ilya’s tone made Shane’s heart ache.

“Of course, it physically hurts to say goodbye to you every single time, and that hasn’t gone away since you moved here. There are times when I leave your house that I sit in the car for a few extra minutes because I can’t make myself put the car in drive and take myself away from you.”

Ilya’s gaze softened as Shane spoke, clearly affected by his words.

“And my mom pointed out that if we play for as long as we want to, it’s going to be a long time before that changes. At least with the current plan. But I don’t have a better one. Like coming out at all seems like a slippery slope.” Shane continued in a rush of words.

“Yuna said this?” Iyla questioned.

“Yea she pointed out that as long as we don’t get injured we wouldn’t retire until our late thirties, at least 10 fucking years from now, and when she said it out loud it sounded really fucking shitty. I spent almost a decade pretending not to love you, and that was before I knew what it was like to actually be with you.”

Shane looked up after admitting this and Ilya was quiet, looking down at his hands in his lap. Even though he wasn’t making eye contact Shane could see the frown on his face.

“Ilya…?”

“Yes, this is why I want to try and be more open, so we don’t have to hide so much.” Ilya finally said.

“And I get that, I just don’t know how to do that without everything snowballing out of control.”

“What are you worried about?” Ilya asked.

“My mom asked me the same fucking question a couple of days ago.” Shane huffed in a fit of pique. “And I don’t have just one answer, it just feels so big, too big.”

“Why were you talking to Yuna about this? Not normal conversation for dinner in the Hollander house. So many feelings.” Ilya’s distracted question lightened the mood for a moment.

“She and dad noticed that both of us were off lately and she brought it up when I was over to watch your game against Colorado. They were actually the ones who told me to talk to you about this more.”

“Well now I can tell Yuna and David that you are a good son. Maybe you can be second favorite son again.”

“Fuck you.”

“Later Hollander. Serious conversation first.”

“I guess it would help if you told me what you are scared of?” Shane felt like understanding how Ilya was thinking differently about this would help.

“Russian’s are not scared, we do not do this.”

“Ilya…”

“да(da)[yes], I know. I will answer. Biggest worry I have is Russia, but now that I am not in US, risk of being deported is lower, the Cens will not get rid of me for anything. Plus, if really bad, Svetlana is always an option.” Ilya winked at this.

“Fuck off Rozanov,” Shane griped, “In that case you are fucking marrying me not fucking Svetlana.”

“If you insist, I guess that works too. But I wouldn’t be fucking Svetlana even if I married her, I would just keep fucking you.”

“Ilya be serious, you are pissing me off on purpose.” Shane tried to steer the conversation away from Ilya using his time-honored strategy of pissing him off to get laid, whether it was intentional or not.

“Okay мой злой котенок(moy zloy kotenok)[my angry kitten], I will focus.”

“So you aren’t worried about your legacy?”

“No, I am the best, bisexual and best. People knowing won’t change anything.” Shane was surprised to see there wasn’t much of a crack in his confidence. It seemed like Ilya actually believed that.

“You don’t think things would change? They have for Hunter.”

“But not very much, and he is not as good as either of us. Those old man knees slow him down before his ancient eyes make him miss wide open goal.”

Shane supposed Ilya was right, last year was the worst of it, but things had seemed to settle down a bit for Hunter this year, and he wasn’t even playing that well this year. Maybe the attention and distraction would be short lived. But he and Ilya were in a little bit of a different position than Hunter.

“You aren’t worried they will accuse us of throwing games for each other?”

“Bah, we would just prove them wrong. Plus I think our three cups and the rest of our stats speak for themselves. And if we really need to prove it we can just film us playing Yahtzee with Yuna and David and they will see what a poor loser you are.”

Again Ilya made a good point. As long as they were allowed to keep playing, they would be able to dispel that accusation. As long as they were still allowed to play.

“I guess you’re right… You aren’t worried about how your team will react?”

“No, not really. My team is really good about all that. They love Harris and he is really gay. And if anyone said anything I would make them stop. I did in Boston.”

“You what?”

“I don’t tolerate anything like that in my locker rooms or on my ice. No slurs, none of that language. If you need slurs to chirp, you are shit chirper. I make that clear.”

“Oh.” Shane didn’t know Ilya did that. He guessed that being someone who has a reputation for fighting could help. He never had and so learned a long time ago to just tune out the shit thrown around as much as possible. Between the racist comments about his Asian heritage he heard as a young kid and the rampant homophobia and sexism in locker rooms he grew up in, it felt a little like holding back the ocean and so he stopped trying and started just carving out a safe corner in his mind to retreat to when slurs started flying.

“What about management, and the coaches?” It wasn’t just the players, hockey culture was rooted deep in tradition, and unfortunately some of that tradition was misogynistic, homophobic, and racist.

Ilya waved a hand, “I am too valuable, they would listen to me, and if they didn’t I wouldn’t want to help that team win. I would find team that would listen and help them win.”

This stunned Shane. He recalled that infamous evening after revealing their relationship to his parents, where Yuna had questioned Ilya’s loyalty to Boston. He knew at the time that he wouldn’t have made that decision as easily as Ilya, but it seemed that Ilya’s loyalty extended beyond Shane and their relationship. Though he supposed not being loyal to homophobes was being loyal to their relationship in a roundabout way.

As Shane sorted through this, Ilya remained quiet. He looked up and saw a look of inquisitive concern on Ilya’s face. Ilya seemed to put something together for himself and asked, “Would you be safe with your team? And your management and coaches?”

“Uh…” Shane was thrown. He hadn’t ever considered that. It was always what he could do for the team, not what the team could do for him.

Ilya tilted his head and waited, though it seemed like his concern deepened.

“I don’t know,” Shane finally answered.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Ilya barked.

“Just that, I don’t know. I never really considered it before.”

“You are not sure you would be safe if you came out?” The look of concern had morphed nearly into devastation. Shane was shocked by Ilya’s response. It was clear that this was the key difference in how they were thinking about coming out. Ilya was sure about his team.

“Um… Like I don’t think they would like, beat me up or anything. They would get in trouble if that happened right?” Shane tried to say something to reassure Ilya.

“блять(Blyat)[Fuck]!” Ilya cursed and continued, “This is bare minimum, would they say things, talk behind your back? Make you uncomfortable in locker room? Will your enforcers protect you on ice? Would they pass to you? Would management help you manage media and protect you from bad fans? Would your coach call out teammates that are shit?”

Clearly what Shane had said did the opposite of reassure Ilya. And he felt like answering that he didn’t know the answer to any of those questions wouldn’t help either. So he just stared wide-eyed at Ilya until he finished his outburst.

“Сука блять(Cyka blyat) [fucking hell]!” Upon running out of words Ilya leaned forward and grabbed Shane to tug him into his arms. Ilya was almost shaking with what seemed like a combination of anger and worry.

“дорогой(dorogoy)[Sweetheart]...” Ilya seemed to be searching for words, overcome with emotion. “We need to know answers before we do anything. I need you safe.”

“Ok… but how do we get those answers? There really isn’t a good way to know until I actually come out, which was part of why I wanted to wait.” Shane hadn’t admitted that even to himself until that moment, but the truth of his words was heavy. This was what was holding him back. His gut was telling him something, and he thought it was about his legacy, but maybe it was this too.

Ilya ran his hands through Shane’s hair, “do they use slurs in the locker room? How did they talk about Hunter?”

“Um, I guess I learned a long time ago that it was just easier to tune it out, so I’m not really sure.” Shane admitted.

“Okay, makes sense. But now we need to pay attention. Gather data. See who is safe and who isn’t.”

“Ok, I guess I can do that. It might take some time to break the habit of zoning out, I've been doing it since I was a kid.” Ilya inhaled sharply at this, clearly affected by that knowledge.

“Is ok. We take all the time we need.”

“Ok, but what does this mean for what you wanted, like being more open either as friends or as a couple?”

“We wait. Until we know that you would be safe. Nothing more important than this.” Ilya kissed the top of Shane’s head at this.

“I mean, if you are sure you would be safe with your team, it might be ok for you to be a little more open, at least about yourself, with a couple people.” Shane realized that as long as they both weren’t out, Ilya poking his head out of the closet wasn’t the worst idea. “As long as we have an immigration lawyer on speed dial.”

“Sveta will meet me in Vegas if I ask her. And is already on my speed dial.” Ilya smirked and winked.

“Asshole.” Despite the flare of jealousy, Shane couldn’t hide the obvious affection in his tone.

“We could also adjust our plans for the foundation? If being friends publicly worries you.” Ilya offered.

“Hell no,” Shane responded immediately, “I want something to give me an excuse, any excuse to spend time with you. And if we don’t announce it soon we won’t have time to actually do the camps this summer. Plus, we can see how our teams react to us being just friendly, it will give us a sense of how bad it could get when they find out about us being more than friends.”

“Yes, is so friendly when I make you cum untouched. I do this for all my friends.”

“Fuck you!”

“Ok, if you insist. Serious conversation is over, yes? You can fuck me now I suppose…” When Shane met Ilya’s eyes, he got a brief glimpse of unholy glee before their lips met urgently, the mood shifting rapidly to familiar and much more pleasurable territory.

Chapter End Notes

I really thought that Shane would be more stubborn during this conversation and would dismiss Ilya's concerns. I had originally set this conversation in January thinking Ilya would have to cajole him into realizing the problem. But they communicated too well and I had to shift my timelines a bit.

I was really proud of how the two of them switched between teasing each other and having a serious conversation. I felt like I understood their essence as I wrote this scene.

Thanks for reading!

Chapter 3: Spring/Summer 2019

Chapter Summary

Shane thinks that maybe his team won't be that bad, but it's hard to tell because Shane has a lot of habits to unlearn and it doesn't happen overnight. Plus he's busy with playoffs, the foundation announcement, and planning the camps this summer.

Chapter Notes

Spring

The next month raced by in a flash. The end of the regular season was always like that, the combination of the anticipation of playoffs and the bone-wearying exhaustion of a full season of hockey made for a heady combination every year. It was always slightly overwhelming, feeling the pressure of the whole season’s hopes and dreams coalesce into a sharp focus.

After talking to Ilya, Shane tried to pay more attention to his team, but he hadn’t realized how much of his routine kept him at a distance from the team. He had long ago muted the group chat, the sheer number of texts was so distracting and he could never keep up. Hayden had volunteered years ago to relay any important information directly if he needed to know it. At practice, he was the first on the ice and the last off of it. He had always been vaguely uncomfortable showering with other people and changing in front of anyone else, and he was realizing he had, over time, made the time he actually spent with the team off ice pretty minimal as a result. And on ice, it was nearly impossible to take his focus off of anything but the plays, his stick, the puck, and the goal. And with playoffs looming he was loath to change his routine too much. After telling Ilya this, they had agreed that it wasn’t necessarily urgent, especially since in the moments he was around the team he hadn’t really noticed anything problematic.

In fact, Shane was vaguely surprised at the muted reaction to the announcement of the Irina Foundation after the last regular season game between Montreal and Ottawa. The game had been fairly calm, with the playoff prospects of both teams settled weeks earlier. Montreal was safely ensconced second in the division, while Ottawa had been outpaced for any wild card hope by the stacked Eastern Conference. As a result, the temperature of the game was mild, Montreal not trying to acquire any unnecessary injuries, while Ottawa focused on continuing to build team cohesion and momentum that they could carry into next season. Even Ilya, as a notorious shit-stirrer, was quiet, which Shane attributed to the understandable sadness at not making the playoffs for the first time in years. He knew it was bothering Ilya, and whenever he thought about how much Ilya had done for them, he felt a stab of guilt in his stomach.

After winning 4-2, they held their press conference, talking about how they had become friendly a few years back at All Stars and that when Ilya moved to Canada he had reached out trying to figure out a way to integrate into and give back to the community. They talked about their rivalry as an element of their games, but that over time they had grown to respect each other as two of the best players in the league. The hockey media was shocked, but there was a fierce battle for wild card spots in the West and the focus shifted away from them within a few days.

Shane had stayed in Ottawa for a couple days after the announcement, publicly for meetings about the foundation and the first glad handing event, privately to steal a bit more time with Ilya before playoffs. When he came back to the locker room a couple days later, he got a couple of comments about working with the enemy, but after he pointed out that it was for a good cause in his hometown, they seemed to settle into distracted confusion. He had the passing thought that had they announced it earlier in the season, when everyone wasn’t worn down, this would have been the only thing the media and their teams could talk about for weeks.

Playoffs arrived and if Shane was honest, he wasn’t confident in his team’s chances. His team was playing like they took games for granted, and it seemed like he was working twice as hard as everyone else to keep them winning games. He wasn’t sure how to motivate them to realize that just because they had been making playoffs consistently since he joined the team, Cups weren’t just handed over, you had to earn them. In his opinion they were playing almost lazy, he was having to work his ass off to make up for the missed passes and slow backchecks that were making them lose games that they should have won.

When they bowed out in the second round Shane was almost relieved. Hockey was much more fun when everyone was working for it. And honestly, he was grateful for the extra weeks with Ilya. So after the last team event of the year, he reminded the team that if they wanted to coach at one of the camps to reach out to his mom by the end of May, got in his already packed car, and rushed home to Ottawa and Ilya.

Summer

“Mom, who has reached out about coaching so far?” Shane asked. They were sitting in his parents' living room, talking logistics for the camps.

“Most of the Centaurs have reached out about joining the Ottawa camp in some way, some can’t do the whole time, but could do an afternoon session, or stop by and sign things for the kids, and a few have let me know if we need more coaches for the Montreal camp, they’d be willing to travel for that one. We may need to take Wyatt up on that, unless we find another goalie for Montreal.” Yuna answered absently while checking her email.

“That reminds me, Leah Campbell reached out, she’s interested and so is her husband Max. It looks like the mission statement was appropriately LGBTQ friendly cause she seemed pretty excited about it. I can see if she is willing to at least do the Montreal one.” Shane interjected. “Who else?”

“Scott Hunter can do the Montreal one and um, Ilya have you heard back from Ryan Price?”

“Yes, he will do both weeks.” Ilya responded distractedly, he and David seemed much more focused on finding edge pieces than actually helping with the planning.

“What about the Voyageurs?"

There was a pause. “Hayden reached out basically immediately after your announcement, you know that.” Yuna said tentatively.

“Yeah I know, anyone else?” Yuna’s tone made Shane wary.

“J.J. is supposed to get back to me, but it looks like he’s in for at least the Montreal one.” Yuna was still speaking cautiously.

“No one else? Anyone planning on coming to sign shit or anything like that?” At Shane’s tone, Ilya put the two pieces he was examining down and turned slightly from where he was sitting on the floor between Shane’s legs to look up at him in concern.

Yuna took a deep breath and responded, “No, and I reached out to your team management to see if they wanted to set up something like that, and maybe donate some merch and they basically hemmed and hawed about them not dictating their players time in the off season so they could not require players to participate. And used that as an excuse to not provide merch. Or at least that’s how I read it.”

“What?” Shane rasped. He felt Ilya get to his feet, sit next to him, and take his hand firmly in both of his.

“I mean maybe they just think it was too last minute, we did announce this pretty late.” Yuna tried to reason. “I am sure next year they will see how impactful this is for the community and will be all in.”

“Was it too last minute for the Cens management?” Shane protested.

“No…” Yuna admitted. “They are really excited, that's actually where I got the idea for the merch signing. Since we had so many Cens players express interest, and we don’t actually need that many coaches, I wanted them to still be able to participate. I was trying to think of a solution when the GM reached out about doing a meet and greet signing with the camp. And maybe another with the public with the proceeds going to the Foundation.”

Shane was dumbstruck. He had been a part of this organization since he was drafted, Ilya had literally just joined Ottawa. Why wasn’t Montreal jumping to support this? It didn’t make any sense, it was a fucking charity not a political statement.

“I am thinking of just reaching out to the players and limiting the ask to the meet and greet,” Yuna continued, “And maybe we can buy the merch ourselves. I don’t want the two camps to have too much difference between them outside of a few coaching changes.”

“I will buy merch, sell another car.” Ilya insisted, clearly trying to comfort Shane.

Shane had no words. The first seed of doubt about his team buried itself in his mind. He hoped there was a good explanation, like the whole team happened to plan their vacations for those weeks and the organization had already decided on charities to support. Despite trying to come up with excuses, deep down he knew that something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

–

The camps went off without a hitch. In the end, Montreal had changed their mind about donating the merch, when a few of the younger guys on the team indicated they would do the meet and greet with J.J., Hayden, and Shane. Shane was relieved, but wasn’t wholly placated. It seemed to take Yuna applying a lot of pressure and indicating that the contrast with how the Cens were participating enthusiastically would reflect badly on the Voyageurs to get them to cave.

With this as the backdrop, he and Ilya sat down with Yuna, David, and their agent Farah, who had taken Ilya on as a client soon after they made their relationship official, to talk about options for the next year. It was a critical year as Shane’s contract was ending and he would be a free agent at the end of it. At this point, he still felt like it would be a betrayal to leave Montreal, to the team, to the city, and honestly to himself. He had poured so much of himself into this organization since he was a teenager and he had dreamed of retiring his jersey and seeing it hang in the rafters of the Bell Centre.

But for the first time ever, he wasn’t 100% sure that he wanted to re-sign. He asked Farah to give him some time to assess the team and decide.

His caution initially shocked his parents, mostly his mom, but after explaining what he and Ilya had talked about, Yuna did a complete 180°, and was now rapidly talking to Farah about making sure they were ready for all contingencies, reading up on his contracts with the team and all his brands, making sure they were ready to protect Shane in the worst case scenario.

While Farah and Yuna talked contracts and legal protections, David, Ilya, and Shane talked about what he would need to do to properly assess the team. He mentioned that he needed to spend more time in the locker room, and maybe even go out with the team occasionally. Ilya also suggested unmuting the group chat. Shane hated that idea, but he knew Ilya was right, plus he didn’t need to actually use it, just monitor it and screenshot anything problematic. Internally, Shane had also decided to push himself to intentionally bring up topics that could get his team talking in a way that may encourage them to show their true colors, good or bad. He was already planning ways to start conversations about Scott Hunter, Max Riley and Leah Cambell coaching at the camps, and the foundation. Just these three topics would open the door to his teammates commenting on Gay and Trans rights, Woman’s rights, and mental health issues.

Chapter End Notes

Is his team lazy? or have they started to ice him out for the crime of being friends with Rozanov? This author knows, but for you all time will tell.

It's pretty suspicious that no one wants to help with hockey camps for kids right?

 

Also remember that Shane is not the most reliable narrator.

FYI it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Chapter 4: October 2019

Chapter Summary

The new season starts and Shane is committed to figuring out if this team is safe. He has plans and everything.

And then Hayden and Jackie surprise him, making him hope for the best.

Chapter Notes

cw: transphobic and homophobic language at the end of the chapter after the Hayden and Jackie scene. None of our favs are problematic. Please take care of yourself!

----

Followed this for the text message formatting: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6434845/chapters/14729722

October

The season started, and already Shane was tired of the group chat. Maybe it was because he was gay, but he was shocked at how a good number of the single guys (and even some of the married ones) talked about women. The way they were viewed as conquests and objects to be discarded grossed him out. He was pretty sure even Ilya in his manwhore era would never have acted like the women he encountered on nights out owed him attention and sex. It made him extremely wary to join the team out when they were drinking, if they were this bad in the sober light of day.

One bright spot was Hayden. He was definitely an outlier with how utterly devoted he was to his wife and family, but Shane couldn’t blame him, Jackie was the fucking best and his kids were amazing. Last year, Shane had kind of limited the time he spent around the Pikes because all his free time was spent with Ilya, when possible, and also because he wasn’t sure Hayden wouldn’t be able to sniff out his change in relationship status and newly understood sexuality, if given enough time. But with Ilya more integrated into his team this year, he was making an effort to not miss as many team events, freeing up some of Shane’s time. Even if a lot of these nights still ended in both of them ducking out early and meeting at one of their places.

He had been doing dinner at the Pikes more regularly and it was on one of these nights early in the season, after the kids had been put to bed, after only a minor scuffle caused by Amber stealing Chompy from Arthur. With that crisis averted, the adults settled on the couch with NHL highlights playing in the background. Shane noticed Jackie and Hayden making deliberate eye contact and weirdly felt like when his parents were trying to have a serious conversation with him.

Jackie started the conversation with “We’ve been enjoying seeing you more this year, we missed you last year.”

“The kids definitely did, bedtime is so much easier when you are around, we are only a man down.” Hayden joked. Shane wished he could joke about Ilya joining them so they were at full strength against the kid team.

“Yeah, I know I was pretty busy last year, setting up the foundation and everything. But now that my mom has everything rolling smoothly things have settled a bit.” Shane loved the excuse of the Foundation so he didn’t have to make something else up to cover for the reality that he was in a serious committed relationship with his arch rival and was regularly driving 2 hours each way to see him.

Hayden and Jackie looked at each other again, having a wordless conversation.

“What? You guys keep looking at each other, do you have to tell me something? It can’t be another kid, Hayd got his balls snipped after Amber.”

Hayden nodded to Jackie and after a deep breath, she continued cautiously, “It’s just that Hayden and have noticed that you have been much happier the last couple of years, and with the foundation and seeing you at the camps it seems like you have settled some things for yourself.”

Despite the roundabout language, Shane immediately knew where this was going. Shit. He knew with enough time and definitely after seeing how he and Ilya interacted at the camps, his best friends could put the pieces together if they paid enough attention. He and Ilya were so fucking obvious. He looked down at his lap so he didn’t have to see the looks on their faces.

“Yeah, I guess. It is nice to do something outside of hockey and give back to the community.” He responded vaguely.

Hayden picked up the thread, “Yeah the camps were great, you guys did a great job. I guess we were just surprised that you and Rozanov got so close when he moved.”

“I mean it’s my hometown, I reached out when I found out he signed to offer my help.” Shane stubbornly hoped they would stop pushing. If no one said it out loud maybe they would forget it.

“You reached out to your sworn enemy to help him settle into your hometown?” Shane could hear the disbelief in Hayden’s voice.

“He’s not my fucking sworn enemy, we aren’t fucking nations at war.” Shane snapped automatically. He fucking hated that the league had pitted them against each other from day one, it made all this so much harder.

There was a pause while Jackie and Hayden absorbed his frustration, frustration that was uncharacteristic.

“Shane, babe…” Jackie cajoled. “Talk to us. We love you. Nothing changes that.”

“Even if nothing is batshit insane.” Hayden muttered under his breath. Shane heard Jackie smack him.

Fuck. They knew. There was no way out of this. Shane felt tears pressing against his eyelids as he ducked his head further and closed his eyes. After a minute, he nodded, and said, “I’m gay.”

The Pikes didn’t say anything, and he was starting to get nervous when he felt two bodies settle down on either side of him and he was wrapped in their arms. He choked out a sob as he was hugged by his two best friends.

“Thank you for telling us that Shane.” Hayden said quietly. “We support you.”

They sat there for a moment while Shane cried silently. After a few minutes he was feeling a little smothered, and shifted to indicate they could let him go. They did, but didn’t move from their stations at his side.

He looked first at Jackie and she smiled at him softly. “I’m proud of you.”

He ducked away from her intensity and met Hayden’s eyes. He wasn’t much better. Though Shane could tell he still had questions. Shane wasn’t sure he was ready to answer the questions he was sure were coming.

“Can I get a glass of water?” He asked, stalling. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick.”

Without waiting for their response, he stood up and rushed to the bathroom, pulling his phone out as he went, his texts to Ilya already up. As he left the room, he heard Jackie hiss to Hayden, “Grab his keys so he can’t sneak out.”

Shane pocketed his phone. Looking in the mirror he could see that his eyes were red from the crying. He splashed some water on his face and took several deep breaths.

Hayden and Jackie were waiting for him in the living room when he re-entered, in the same places they were in before he fled the room. The only indication that they had moved was the glass of water and a clearly cold ginger ale on the coffee table. The gesture of his favorite drink made his mouth quirk up in a small smile.

Despite them leaving a space between them, he decided to sit in the armchair opposite to them. He sat and looked at them, not knowing where to start.

Luckily Hayden did, “Dude, sorry if we forced that out of you. We just wanted you to know that we were ok with it.”

“It’s ok Hayds.” Shane powered on. “I know you have more questions, ask them.” He nearly spit this out, not out of anger but out of stress.

“You don’t have to tell us anything Shane.” Jackie tried to give him an out.

Shane didn’t take it. “It doesn’t matter, you already know.”

“Yeah but we can wait to talk about it until you are ready.” Jackie said consolingly.

“No, you all deserve more from me.” Shane felt the stab of shame at lying to his friends for so long.

“Honey, you don’t owe us anything.” Jackie had her mom voice firmly activated.

Shane scoffed disbelievingly, “Yes I do. I won’t be able to say it, so please just ask.”

“Are you dating Rozanov?” Hayden took the bait.

“Yes.” His biggest secret, boiled down to one word. Despite the fear threatening to take over him, he did feel a weight lifted off of him now that two more people knew, similar to when his parents 'found out'.

“How long?” Hayden continued.

“A while.” Shane didn’t feel up to anything but the short clipped answers he was giving.

“How long is a while?” Hayden’s next question gave him pause.

“Um… Officially a little over two years?”

Jackie and Hayden spoke at the same time.

“Two years?!”

“Officially?!”

Well shit. Hayden was clearly baffled at the length he had admitted to, and Jackie, ever perceptive, had noticed the qualifier. This was a disaster.

“Uh, yeah, we’ve been boyfriends since June 2017.” This clarity seemed to blow Hayden’s mind. How long did he think they were together?

“And before that?” Jackie pressed. Hayden was too shocked to say anything.

“2010,” he muttered.

“YOUR ROOKIE YEAR?! ” Hayden had unfrozen.

“I mean yeah, but it was just…” Shane floundered, this wasn’t much easier than with his parents. “Casual…?”

“You’ve been fucking Rozanov since your rookie year?!”

“Uh, summer before actually…” Shane clarified unnecessarily, but he was reminded of how Ilya had done the same to his parents, those extra months important to both of them when explaining their journey apparently.

The clarification broke Hayden. He seemed nearly catatonic. Mouth agape and wide-eyed.

Jackie was doing a little better. She patted her husband’s thigh and asked, “ok fucking aside, are you happy? With him?”

“Yeah, uh, I love him.” Hayden let out a strangled gasp at this.

“And he feels the same?” Jackie continued this line of questioning, which was only slightly more comfortable than the fuckbuddies one.

“Yes, he loves me too.” Shane confirmed.

Hayden’s brain seemed to reboot as he found another question, “Did he fucking sign with Ottawa for you?!”

“I mean, yeah, it’s closer, and like Canadian citizenship is easier to get than American.”

The mention of citizenship considerations seemed to affect the Pikes, as their mood sobered rapidly.

“So it’s serious?” Hayden asked the obvious question. As if it was only realizing that Ilya was considering other citizenship options was what made it serious, not Ilya leaving the team that drafted him and moving entire countries to play on a shit team just to be closer to him.

“Yes. It’s serious.”

“Ok. Fuck. I don’t understand this. At all. But it's clear that you’ve thought through this and think it’s worth it. And I trust your judgment.” Hayden’s convoluted approval, while baffled, seemed like it was solid and that soothed the rest of Shane’s anxiety.

“Yeah, sometimes I don’t understand it either, to be honest. But we work. And he is more than who he is on the ice.”

“Yeah that was the thing that twigged it for us, you both stared at each other with heart eyes during all of camp. Every time he made a kid laugh you basically swooned.” Hayden shared petulantly.

The three of them dissolved into laughter, and the vice around Shane’s heart loosened. He was safe. At least with Hayden and Jackie he was safe.

—

After his conversation with Hayden, Shane was feeling slightly optimistic about things. The sexist language in the group chat was problematic for sure, but maybe he and Hayden and a few of the other vets could work on that. As a result, he was caught off guard later that week by something he overheard Comeau mutter under his breath to Gagnon. Especially since he wasn’t actively trying to test how anyone reacted to the topic. He was just talking to Hayden.

“I could show that dyke what it is like to be fucked by a real man.”

He and Hayden had been talking to each other about an Irina Foundation fundraiser that was later that month that would be followed by a hospital visit to a teen mental health program. Shane mentioned that he was excited because Leah and Max were going to be able to make it and Leah was going to bring her Olympic medals to show off to all the kids. Shane had his silver from Sochi, but Leah had two golds. She was absolutely going to be the star of the show.

It took Shane a moment to process what he heard. He glanced at Hayden to see if he had heard, but Hayden just kept talking. He was further away from them and frankly Shane was surprised he had heard them himself, they were all the way across the room and almost whispering. Ever since he stopped actively tuning out the locker room noise, he was noticing he could hear everything. It was overwhelming. But if it meant he heard blatantly transphobic shit like that he was glad. Maybe they were saying more crap out of earshot. He needed to listen even closer.

Chapter End Notes

One of my favorite tropes is the timeline reveal of their relationship. I think it is so fucking funny every single time. I had a lot of fun with this one. I tried to put my own spin on this, but I am sure I have been inspired by the many "Hayden Finds Out" stories I have read. The keys bit in particular was inspired by a fic I read that I can't find now. So if that's you let me know and I will shout you out!

Also I lied last chapter. Now it's going to get worse before it gets better.

This last scene and many of the scenes that are coming up were genuinely hard to write, but to get Shane to realize how bad his team is, without coming out himself I had to make them transparently awful.

I took a lot of inspiration from my own experience as an autistic person, that once you start noticing something it is hard to stop noticing it.

Chapter 5: November 2019

Chapter Summary

Shane discovers what a perilous situation he is really in. It gets especially bad when they play a game against the Admirals and another against Ottawa.

Chapter Notes

Alright folks, buckle up, its about to get ugly.

cw: slurs, homophobic, sexist language

Nothing is said directly to Shane, but he overhears plenty. Take care of yourselves.

---------------

If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

November

Three weeks later, Shane had seen a few more questionable things in the group chat, and had heard a few more even grosser things in the locker room. Some of the worst that he had seen so far was the reaction to the allegations that came out against Dallas Kent. While none of them openly condoned the alleged behavior, there was a lot of questioning the validity of the victim’s accounts and excuses tossed around to explain away the behavior. When Troy Barrett was filmed confronting Kent during a practice, they were baffled that he had not taken his former friend’s side against what they called unfounded rumors. To Shane, Barrett’s choice seemed completely understandable and he was cautiously optimistic about Barrett’s future when he was traded for next to nothing to Ottawa. Hopefully, by removing himself from that asshole’s purview he would have the opportunity to show a better side to himself. But the fact that Shane's team didn’t understand that was deeply concerning.

They were in the visitor's locker room in Madison Square Garden before their first game against the Admirals for the season. Shane was keeping his ears peeled because Scott was back in the news, as he and Kip had announced their engagement last week. Shane was hoping against hope that his team would control themselves. He was going to pay attention on ice as well, see if they targeted him. He said a few encouraging words and emphasized playing a clean game as the team did their last minute preparation.

As he left the room to talk to the media briefly, he heard Drapeau say, “We will show that fairy queer how it really feels to get fucked up the ass.”

His heart sank as he listened to the room fill with laughter.

Fuck, that didn’t inspire much confidence that this game would be clean.

—

Shane hated being right. It seemed like his team had decided to focus on checking Hunter as hard as possible anytime he was on the ice rather than actually playing the fucking game. To make it worse, Shane couldn’t help but hear every single chirp even when he was on the bench or across the ice. He had heard versions of “faggot” three different times and a range of other disgusting shit throughout the game. The worst was when Comeau had spotted Skip in the crowd and had, the next time Scott was anywhere near, boarded him so aggressively and cursing at him that he had earned a 5-minute major. Shane was ashamed of his team.

Weirdly, the only consolation was that they lost. Badly. Shane had scored their only goal, while New York had scored six goals, with Hunter getting a hat trick. Shane thought sardonically that the gays do be winning (as Rose liked to tease him), with the majority of the goals being scored by the two queer players on the ice. It was a cold comfort.

In the handshake line, he took an extra moment with Hunter at the end of the line of players.

“Good game dude. I’m sorry for my team. I’ll talk to them. This won’t happen again.” The quick apology was all he had time for before it would have looked too obvious. Hunter looked confused and wary and barely had time to echo the sentiment or ask what he meant before Shane skated off, making a beeline towards the visitor’s locker room.

“What the fuck was that shitshow?!” He sneered as soon as he was in the locker room. “It wasn’t fucking hockey that’s for damn sure. Instead of focusing on trying to take out a single player maybe we could fucking focus on trying to score fucking goals? You know the thing that we are fucking paid to do?!”

He was met with a mix of confusion, defiance, and shock. The shock and confusion seemed to stem from the team being taken aback that he had said something at all, and had raised his voice in the process. To be fair, that was rare. But he was pissed. It was warranted. The defiance was more widespread than he anticipated. It wasn’t everyone, but a good third of the locker room looked ready to defend their reprehensible play and actions.

Before anyone got a chance to respond, Montreal’s comms guy popped his head in and absentmindedly called for Shane. He seemed to not notice the tension in the room as he asked Shane to join him in the press room. With a glare, he tore his skates off, grabbed his shoes from Hayden’s outstretched hands, and stalked back out of the room. He was going to make sure to congratulate Scott on his engagement and wouldn’t make any excuses for his team for that miserable excuse for a hockey game during the presser.

—

After the Admirals game, the deluge of what he started noticing didn’t let up. He was constantly hyperaware of every word his teammates said under their breath or just out of earshot (or so they thought). The casual use of slurs as go-to insults seemed to have increased since his outburst, but if he was being honest with himself it probably wasn’t that much worse, he was just more aware of it.

Despite not being one of the people that targeted Hunter, and someone who was at least nominally supportive of LGBTQ people, even J.J. threw cocksucker around when he got particularly frustrated with someone. This was never more obvious than in the lead up to their game against Ottawa. In a misguided attempt to pump him and the team up, under the guise of Ilya’s and his rivalry, he had been trying to get Shane to engage in talk of destroying Ilya all week. Shane couldn’t help but add to his an internal count of the number of passively and overtly homophobic ways that J.J. decided to “motivate” the team over the last couple of months. This time the target was the love of Shane’s life and his team. His shoulders inched closer to his ears as he put on his pads. He briefly made eye contact with Hayden who was looking at him with clear concern on his face. All Shane could do was subtly shake his head. It wasn’t worth it.

Shane was so tired of this. It was becoming harder and harder every day to come to work. He felt like parts of his soul were being carved out of him at every comment. He was having trouble even processing all of it, and he was scared that if he started to unpack any of it, he would walk out the doors of the rink and never come back.

He had never considered another path other than spending his whole career in Montreal. But now he couldn’t see how he could do this for much longer. It wasn’t even about coming out, or Ilya even. He was pretty sure that even if he never came out or revealed his relationship, he couldn’t sustain this. It was now at the point that it was affecting his play. His play had been deteriorating over the last few months as he spent more and more energy on policing the locker room in his mind. It didn’t help that his playstyle was naturally more collaborative. He usually didn’t score as many goals as Ilya, but due to his assists he was nearly always a finalist for the Art Ross. But now he found himself second guessing passes and the connection between him and the rest of his team, besides Hayden, had noticeably soured. To make things worse, he didn’t think he could go back to ignoring it. His awareness seemed irreversible and he was struggling to find his love of hockey. And he was worried he would never get it back, that it was permanently tainted.

—

After a lackluster game, where Ottawa beat them 2-1, where he didn’t score at all, he didn’t linger in the locker room. He didn’t even shower, just said a quick farewell to Hayden and quickly made his way to Ilya’s. The first thing he did upon arriving was take a scalding hot shower, to wash the stench of the game off and try to warm up. He had felt a chill settle over him late in the third. After drying off, he rifled through Ilya’s already messy drawers for one of Ilya’s hoodies, a worn Boston Bears one, and a pair of his sweats. Even though both garments were big on him, he felt like he needed the comfort of being engulfed by his boyfriend’s clothes while he waited for him to get home after celebrating with his team.

Much sooner than he expected, he heard the door open.

“Ilya?” He thought Ilya was planning on going to Monks with his team after the game. “I thought you would be back later?”

Ilya quickly made his way to the couch where Shane was huddled, sat down next to him and tugged him frantically into his lap.

“ Моя звезда (Moya zvezda) [My star], I knew you were not ok after that game, I skipped drinks. Needed to make sure you were okay.” Ilya wrapped his arms around him. Shane took the opportunity to hide his face in Ilya’s shoulder as he felt tears gathering in his eyes. There was a piece of him that hated how well Ilya knew him. He could never hide from him.

“Did someone say something? Or hurt you?” Ilya’s tone was urgent.

“No, not really, not to me, and not any worse than what I’ve noticed so far.” Shane had been mostly keeping Ilya up to date on everything he had discovered, the data, if not the emotions.

“Then what, what is wrong? Why are you sad?”

Shane took a small breath before answering quietly “I am just so tired, and I am starting to hate playing hockey.”

Ilya raised one hand to the back of Shane's head to press his face closer, before using both hands to lift Shane’s face to meet his gaze.

“ Моя любовь (Moya lyubov')[My love]...” Ilya looked devastated.

“I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think I will survive playing for this team for much longer, much less the rest of my career. Though with how shitty I am playing, my career might be shorter than I thought.”

“You are not shit, your team is shit.” Ilya reflexively defended Shane. Unless Shane was being compared to Ilya, Ilya was never shy about defending Shane’s playing.

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t know what to do. The team is a fucking cesspool and everyday is a fucking chore and I am spending so much fucking energy paying attention and being on guard that I can barely focus on anything else. I don’t know how to even consider leaving and finding a new team, I can’t explain it, I would feel like a failure.” Words were pouring out of Shane after months of build up. “Maybe I could talk to management about doing something about it. The team doesn’t really seem to listen to me, but maybe they would listen to Coach or the GM? But then I think about how they didn’t even want to donate some merch to kids this summer, and I don’t know if I could trust them to stick to their guns. Or maybe even do it at all. Fuck, I mean, I am not sure, but I am pretty sure I heard Theirault use a fucking slur when he was chewing out the defensemen during practice last week. I mean, I’m not sure, but the fact that I’m not sure that I didn’t hear it is fucking insane.”

“Breathe Shane, breathe” Ilya interrupted.

Shane took a ragged breath, trying to calm the spiral of his thoughts.

“Another Hollander,” Ilya demanded.

Shane obeyed. They stayed quiet for a few minutes while Shane calmed down. Ilya was rubbing his back soothingly. Shane wasn’t sure what to say after his outburst. Ilya seemed to have something to say, so he waited.

Finally Ilya opened his mouth. “Have you thought about…” Ilya trailed off.

“Thought about what?”

“Uh… talking to someone about this?” Shane was confused, he was literally talking to Ilya right now about this.

At his look of confusion Ilya clarified. “Like a… therapist?”

Shane was caught off guard, surprised by Ilya’s suggestion. As he tried to figure out how to respond, Ilya continued, “might help to talk to someone whose job it is to listen?”

“Where is this coming from?” Shane felt oddly defensive, which he knew was dumb but he couldn’t help it.

“I just, am worried about you.” Ilya’s words were halting and disjointed. “Have been worried about you for a while. And I am trying to help, but I don’t always understand what is wrong, not fully and I just thought maybe someone could help.” Ilya’s voice became more sure and steady as he spoke.

Shane knew Ilya had been worried about him, but he hadn’t realized how much. The seriousness of Ilya’s words and tone forced him to actually consider the suggestion.

“I mean, I guess talking to someone could help. Maybe.” He mused, still a little skeptical, but slightly more open to the idea.

Ilya met his eyes and Shane couldn’t interpret the look he saw before Ilya looked slightly to the side and murmured “Has helped me.”

The implication of those words hit Shane like a ton of bricks.

“Has helped you?” Shane prodded when Ilya didn’t elaborate.

Ilya just nodded.

Shane framed Ilya’s face with his hands and gently turned him to meet his eyes. “You are going to therapy?”

“ Да (Da)[Yes]”

“Since when.”

“October.”

In that moment, Shane better understood the shock that people seemed to feel when he admitted how long he and Ilya had been involved, he was reeling with the knowledge that his boyfriend had been going to therapy for months without him realizing it. Did he miss something? He had to have. A curl of shame twisted his stomach as he felt the weight of his failure as a partner. But this wasn’t about him, it was about Ilya.

“Thank you for telling me. Can I ask why?” He asked softly, still holding Ilya’s face between his hands.

Ilya closed his eyes before responding, “After our conversations in spring and summer I was very worried about you and your team. I wasn’t sleeping well last spring when we were apart, and it was worse this fall. I started having nightmares most nights we were apart. Horrible things with you and my mother being attacked by my father and brother and your team.”

Shane could only imagine what Ilya had been conjuring in his subconscious. Ilya had never fully shared about his childhood, but what Shane knew was enough to generate truly haunting nightmares.

“Terry suggested a therapist when I asked about help sleeping that was not pills,” Ilya continued, “and he helped me find Galina, who speaks Russian. Is easier to share hard feelings first in Russian.”

Shane felt another stab of guilt. He needed to work harder on learning Russian. Just another way he was failing. He was torn from his self-flagellation as Ilya kept speaking.

“Galina says that I was not sleeping and having nightmares because I wanted to help you, protect you, but I can’t, not from everything. That I was feeling helpless and useless. She thinks I am like my mama. Depressed. And being helpless is hard for someone who has depression.”

Shane was devastated. Had he been so wrapped in his own shit that he missed all of this?

“I’m so sorry I didn’t notice Ilya,” Shane apologized. “I wish I had, but I am so proud of you for getting help and for telling me now.”

“Galina is helping, very much. I am doing better, now that I understand. Is not perfect, but is better. And Terry knows so I have support on the team.” Ilya said reassuringly. “Galina was the one to suggest I ask you about trying to talk to someone.”

Shane felt the truth of the first part of Ilya’s assertion. Ilya had been remarkably centered, especially in the last month. In retrospect, he expected Ilya to become unglued at every piece of information about the Voyageurs that Shane shared, but Ilya had absorbed all of it with clear frustration, but ultimately let Shane share and calmly supported him. And it was clear therapy was partly the reason.

“Well, Galina seems like she knows what she is talking about.” Shane granted. “So maybe I should listen.”

At Shane’s acceptance, Ilya displaced Shane’s hands from his face and kissed him firmly. “Thank you. Thank you for listening, and for thinking about it.” He said desperately between kisses.

Shane pulled back. “I am not just going to think about it, I am going to call someone tomorrow.”

Ilya melted into Shane’s chest at this, pressing kisses and loving words to every inch of skin he could. Shane responded by tilting them to the side so they were horizontal with Ilya underneath him. He stroked Ilya’s cheek softly before leaning down to kiss him with all the love Shane could fit into a single kiss. And when that wasn’t enough, he deepened the kiss and they spent the rest of the evening cuddling and making out leisurely.

Chapter End Notes

Ok we are almost through the worst of it. I had to give you all a sweet scene between Shane and Ilya just to give you all hope.

I want to note that I am handling Ilya's depression a lot differently than in the books. I think that because of the situation that Shane is in, it is less about how lonely he is and more about how he cannot protect Shane. So it is manifesting slightly differently, but is no less valid. I personally have dealt with both versions (lonely and helpless) and they are different, at least for me, in how they feel. I wanted to reflect that difference while still honoring Ilya's mental health.

Chapter 6: December 2019

Chapter Summary

Shane has realized that his team is problematic, but maybe it's something that they can work on. He just needs people on his side. He tries one last bid for safety, coming out to J.J. which ultimately doesn't give him any hope. Then his last shred of hope is crushed for good the next day.

Chapter Notes

cw: homophobic slurs (mentioned, not said to Shane), ableist and sexist language.

This chapter is when Shane starts to fight back in small ways.

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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

December

Shane had followed through on their conversation about therapy, finding and calling a therapist in Montreal after waking up the next morning with Ilya wrapped around him like a koala. It was clear that Ilya hadn’t let go of him most of the night, his worry about Shane persisting even in his unconsciousness. He found a woman named Lillian Shawn, the name making it feel like a bit of fate, with specialties in anxiety and LGBTQ identities. She was able to do virtual calls while he was on the road and could do multiple appointments a week. There was a part of him that balked at taking time away from hockey, but he forced himself to ignore that impulse, it wasn’t like anything else was actually making his hockey better, he might as well try this instead of practicing more.

A few weeks went by, he had had 5 therapy sessions so far. He was surprised after the first session with how direct Lillian was, he had been expecting her to need more time to figure out how to help him. But after the first session, where he came out to someone for the sixth time, they had focused their sessions on the thing at the top of his mind, his future with Montreal. Lillian had been asking him to think about what he wanted his legacy to be, what he loved about playing hockey, and how much of that was tied to his team and Montreal and how much was intrinsic.

It was with these questions swirling in his head, that he decided to try one last thing, to see if there was anything to salvage from the team that he had spent the last decade devoting his life and body to. He was going to come out to J.J.. Ilya wasn’t a fan of this plan, but Shane was pretty sure he wasn’t at risk. J.J.’s language was problematic, but it seemed more habitual than malicious. Maybe he could change. And maybe with Hayden and J.J. at his side they could work to change the locker room. It wouldn’t solve everything, but he needed voices and bodies on his side before even thinking about trying to root out the rot that was poisoning the Montreal Voyageurs. And depending on how this went, maybe he could use it as a blueprint for some of the quieter voices, to amass support against the louder ones. With enough people there might even be ways to pressure management to support them.

It was with this thread of hope that he pulled J.J. aside after a Tuesday practice. “Hey J.J., do you want to come over for dinner sometime this week? I want to talk to you about something.”

J.J. seemed a little surprised by the request but seemed open. “Sure! Thursday? I was thinking about going out with some guys tomorrow.”

“Actually, can we do tomorrow? I have something Thursday.” Shane didn’t have any plans, but he did have therapy that afternoon, and he realized in that moment that he wanted to be able to debrief this with his therapist and not have to wait until next week.

“Sure!” J.J. acquiesced, ever easygoing.

—

Shane was pacing from his living room to the kitchen, waiting for J.J. to arrive. He had prepped a simple meal that despite teasing about his diet, he knew J.J. liked. He had picked up J.J.’s favorite wine, which was chilling in the fridge. He had tried to make everything as comfortable as possible. Hearing the doorbell he went to let J.J. in.

“Hey dude, thought you’d be hungry after that practice, so food’s ready.” He steered them to the kitchen where the food was waiting.

“Awesome, I’m starving. Coach was on one today. I can barely feel my legs.”

They served themselves and sat down to eat. Shane forced himself to take five bites before even thinking of starting the conversation. Luckily J.J. was focused on his food, seemingly forgetting that Shane wanted to talk about something. Shane decided to take a few more bites. Might as well eat while he could. After a few quiet minutes of the two men eating, and Shane’s plate was, surprisingly, three-quarters empty, he decided to jump in.

“So, I wanted to talk to you about something, that’s why I wanted to have dinner.”

J.J.’s mouth was full when he responded, “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Um… I guess I wanted to tell you something, something important.”

At this J.J. stopped shoveling food into his mouth and put his fork down. “You ok dude? What’s going on?”

“I’m gay.” Every time Shane said it, it was slightly easier. Internally, he made a note to mention this to Ilya and his therapist.

J.J. looked shocked.

“So yeah, I just wanted you to know.” Shane wasn’t sure what else to say. J.J. didn’t look disgusted, but he wasn’t reacting overtly positively.

Finally, J.J. asked, “How long have you known?”

“Um, I’ve known I was into guys for a while, but I finally accepted that it was just guys two years ago.”

Shane saw a flash of anger flit across J.J.’s expression, and he recoiled as J.J. blurted, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

This was the last thing Shane expected, he expected questions about how he knew, or if he was with someone, not questioning why he hadn’t come out to a teammate in one of the most homophobic sports even if that teammate was a friend.

“I mean, not that many people even know, it’s not really something I talk about.”

“Who else knows?” Again J.J.’s tone was almost accusatory.

“Um, my parents, Hayden and Jackie, Rose…” Ever honest, Shane cut himself off before saying Ilya’s name or mentioning his therapist.

“Hayden knows?” There was an undercurrent of hurt under the anger now.

“Um he and Jackie figured it out, and like, when they asked back in October, I confirmed it.” Shane wasn’t sure where the conversation was going.

“Why does your fucking ex-girlfriend know before me?” The anger was back at the forefront.

“Well, she was kinda the one who got me to finally admit it, I didn’t really come out to her, she came out for me I guess.” Ilya loved to tease him about this, that he was so bad at heterosexual sex that his movie star girlfriend had to tell him it was ok to be gay. In retrospect, it was hilarious, if a little embarrassing. At that thought, he realized that J.J. was only the 3rd person that he had intentionally come out to, with Ilya and his therapist being the first two. Even Ilya laughing at him felt better than this.

“Do you not trust me?” Oh, that’s what J.J. was concerned about. He thought Shane didn’t trust him. Shane almost jumped to reassure him, that he did trust him, that he just wasn’t ready, that he was the first friend he was intentionally telling, but before he could find those words a thought stopped him.

He didn’t trust him, not with this.

How could he trust him? The fact that he had basically no filter and the casual homophobia that spilled out of his mouth was enough. Plus, while he didn’t participate in the worst of the behavior in the locker room or the group chat, he didn’t stop it, didn’t call it out. Hayden did, though he had stopped doing it as much after Shane had asked him to stop. And Hayden wasn’t a 6’7’’ defenseman and enforcer. Shane decided to be honest.

“Nineteen.” He said simply.

“Nineteen, what the fuck does nineteen mean?”

“You have called someone a cocksucker nineteen times since the start of the season.” Shane rattled off, in the same tone he normally recites hockey stats. He let it sink in that he had been tracking this in the same way he scouted opponents and watched game tape.

“I wouldn’t have said it if I had known!” J.J. snapped. And with that Shane’s last shred of hope of having J.J. unapologetically back him died. He had seen the writing on the wall since J.J. had asked why Shane hadn’t told him, but this sealed it. There was no apology, or acknowledgement of the harm, no promise of changed behavior. Shane adjusted his plan. Now it was about damage control.

Despite wanting to go into damage control, he couldn’t help himself when he retorted sharply, “You shouldn’t have said it whether or not you knew there was a gay man in your locker room.”

J.J. didn’t respond to this, telling Shane that he had hit on a truth J.J. didn’t want to acknowledge.

“Whatever, arguing about the past doesn’t matter, I am not planning on coming out publicly or even to the team anytime soon, so please don’t tell anyone. And please be careful when you talk to me and Hayden about it. Maybe don’t bring it up at the rink or at team things.” Shane implored.

“Yeah of course, I’ll be careful.” Despite the agreement, Shane could tell that J.J. was sulking.

“Dude, it's ok.” Weirdly, these words weren’t even a lie. This had clarified things for him significantly. And while it wasn’t the best case scenario, Shane saw a path forward. It wasn’t going to be easy, and he would have to be willing to do it on his own more or less, but he felt confident in the people on his side already. And maybe with time J.J. would come around. But Shane wasn’t going to wait for him to get over his feelings.

Shane grabbed his mostly empty plate and used the guise of taking it to the kitchen to whip out his phone and shoot a text to Ilya asking him to call. He would just tell J.J. it was his mom.

Sure enough by the time he got back to the table his phone was vibrating, Lily popping up on the screen. “Oh it’s my mom, I think she wants to talk about my contract.” The lie slipped off his tongue easily.

“Oh, yeah, I guess I’ll go. Let you talk to her.” J.J. said absentmindedly, clearly still wrapped up in his self pitying thoughts. “Thanks for dinner, see you at practice tomorrow?” His question was slightly plaintive. Like he had just realized how badly he handled the conversation, and wasn’t sure what to do.

“Yup, see you tomorrow.” Shane waited until he saw the door open and close behind J.J. to answer the phone.

“I’m fine,” he reassured Ilya immediately. Ilya released a breath. “It didn’t go great, but he wasn’t grossed out or mad at me for being gay. Just hurt that I hadn’t told him earlier.”

“Well that is stupid. You don’t owe him or anyone anything. It took you 7 years of sucking my dick to come out to me. Maybe Boiziau and I should compare notes. After I punch him for being an idiot.”

Shane smiled. He adored Ilya, “Yeah his reaction was dumb, but he’s not going to out me or anything. He’ll just pout for a few weeks before getting over it. It doesn’t matter.”

Ilya’s voice was soft when he said, “It does matter, he was supposed to be your friend.”

“Yeah, I guess. Like, I am bummed, but weirdly calm about it. I don’t know, I’ll talk to Lillian about it tomorrow and sort it out. But I am really ok until then. How was practice?”

—

The next day, he was packing up his stuff after practice to head to therapy when his coach entered the locker room and called his name. It had actually been a decent practice, despite J.J. being in a bit of a mood. Shane was feeling lighter than he had in a while and the weightlessness translated into his skating. So he didn’t think his coach was wanting to talk to him about anything bad. He made his way over to where Theirault was standing in the doorway of the mostly empty locker room.

“Yeah Coach?”

“The coaching staff wants to hear your thoughts on Detroit’s power play for the game this weekend. You got time?” This was pretty standard. Before most games he huddled with the coaches to talk strategy at least once, if not multiple times.

“I can’t today, I’ve got a therapy appointment in 30 minutes, can we do it Saturday after the optional skate?” He said absently.

“Therapy?” was the perplexed response.

“Yeah… I’ve been doing therapy twice a week for a few weeks now. I thought Justin would have told you.” Like Ilya, Shane had informed the team doctor about his therapy appointments, and he had just assumed that would have been shared up the chain. In retrospect, clearly Justin had protected his confidentiality, as it wasn’t a factor in his game, not directly, despite how interconnected it felt to Shane.

“What are you seeing a fucking shrink for? You aren’t a fucking head case!” Theriault boomed.

“Uh, just some anxiety and stress, I don’t know, just talking to someone for a little extra support.” Fuck he wasn’t sure what to say.

“Goddamn anxiety and stress, handle it like a man, not like a fucking pussy. You don’t need to talk to a fucking quack.”

“Well I am. So can we do the meeting Saturday? I’ll make sure to review their defensive schemes again before then too.” He tried to deflect back to the original topic.

“Just fucking skip it, you’re here now, what a fucking waste of time.”

“No.” At this point Shane was pissed. He had a fucking appointment, with a fucking medical professional, despite Theriault not thinking it was medically necessary.

“Well I guess I see how it is, my star center needs to go cry on a couch rather than doing his job. Tells me a lot about your commitment to this team.”

Shane knew Theriault was trying to goad him into capitulating. But it did the opposite. “I guess it does. Let me know if you want that meeting Saturday, otherwise I will see you Sunday.” Shane said defiantly before turning on his heels to leave the building. How fucking dare he question Shane’s loyalty to this fucking team.

His response clearly stunned his coach, because he was out the door before Theriault had a chance to say a word. Maybe the allusion to Shane skipping an optional skate for the first time in fucking ever was enough to knock him for six. Fuck him, Fuck this team. Shane was fucking done. He wanted out. He would go anywhere. Hell, not playing hockey was better than this.

Shane got in his car, nearly vibrating in his fury. A sense of resolve settled over him. He would go to therapy, let Lillian help him sort through his emotions, and then he was going to drive to Ottawa to talk to his parents. Ilya wasn’t home, but he could sleep in his bed surrounded by his scent and make a plan to blow up his life.

Chapter End Notes

I was always bothered by how J.J. reacted in the books. Nominally supportive, but when push came to shove he was more wrapped up in himself.

Some of this conversation was inspired, unfortunately, by my sister-in-law who when my other sister-in-law came out as trans was hurt that her younger sister didn't talk to her about what it is like to be a woman before "deciding?". Writing J.J. this way mirrored how my partner and I felt when she tried to defend herself. Someone who is so wrapped up in their own narrative and self absorbed to the point that they miss the fucking point.

Also shout out my partner for the "I wouldn't have said it if I had known line". I was really struggling to figure out how to make J.J. show his true colors, as someone who is technically well meaning but hasn't done the work to be a good friend or a good ally. So he ultimately falls short.

The "Nineteen" was maybe the second scene I thought of for this story and I am so glad it came together.

I also had way too much fun writing defiant Shane with his coach. Shane's autistic oppositional defiance really backfired on Theriualt there.

Here we go the worst is over.

Chapter 7: December 2019 cont.

Chapter Summary

After realizing just how irredeemable his team is, some things crystalize for Shane. He updates his plans accordingly.

Chapter Notes

Ok! The worst is over! Now we deal with the fall out.

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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

Therapy helped. He was able to rant and rave and then break down sobbing, and then start sorting through the complex emotions he was feeling. What it boiled down to was a deep and profound sense of betrayal and grief. Lillian helped him voice that if his legacy depended on continuing to pour his heart and soul into Montreal, while they didn’t care for him, treating him like a commodity and a goal scoring hockey robot, it wasn’t a legacy he wanted. It was clear that it wasn't hockey. It was the team, the people he was surrounded by every single day. He had learned to tune out the noise not because it was easier, he did it to literally survive. And 10 years ago he was right to. Even five years ago there might not have been a place to go that was much better. But now, after Scott, there was more hope. He knew the Admirals were supportive and welcoming, and more importantly he knew Ottawa was as well. Ilya was safe there, and Shane would be too. He could find somewhere better; that treated him as a person first, a hockey player second. And maybe he could love hockey again, while actually loving himself.

As he drove the two hours to his parents house another truth settled into his chest. Even if he wasn’t able to find safety in hockey right away, he was already safer than he had ever been in his relationship with Ilya. That was unshakeable and immutable. And he was tired of waiting to live his life with Ilya. He wanted to play on the same team as him, go home with him every night and build their life together not two hours apart, and he wanted it as soon as possible.

And so, when he walked into his parent’s house, the first thing out of his mouth was “I want to propose to Ilya.”

He had only texted before he left Montreal that he had come to a decision about the team and his future and that he would explain more when he arrived. As a result, it was clear that his parents were expecting something about his team and hockey, because it took them a moment to gather themselves. But once they did, he was quickly engulfed in their arms while the three of them cried together, happy to share this moment where he had decided to make Ilya an official part of their small family.

After calming themselves down, his mom made some tea and they sat down to talk. His mom jumped into questions right away. “So, is this related to your decision about Montreal, or is it separate?”

“It’s part of it. I just, after the last few months, and then my conversation with J.J. yesterday, and something that happened today with Theriault, everything became so clear to me. My legacy is my own, not the Voyageurs’, and my life is my own, not theirs, and once that crystalized for me, the first choice I wanted to make was Ilya. I want to choose him and our life.”

Both his parents were clearly affected by this, their eyes bright and soft, tremulous smiles on their faces. “That makes a lot of sense Shane.” Yuna said softly, “So you are proposing. Have you decided what that means for coming out, and your contract?”

“Um, I am not sure on coming out, it depends on what Ilya thinks and how everything plays out. But I want to leave the Voyageurs. I’m not re-signing. I’m done.”

“Ok, we can reach out to Farah, have her start putting out feelers to other teams, see who is interested,” Yuna started strategizing before Shane interrupted her.

“I want to go to Ottawa.” Shane asserted. “I don’t care if I have to take a pay cut. I am tired of being away from Ilya, and there are no other closer options. Plus I know the team will be supportive, it has been so good for Ilya.”

His parents weren’t terribly shocked by this, both of them nodding their heads. If anything they seemed surprised that he had gotten to that idea on his own.

“So yeah, not sure if I want to get a trade or if I just wait till I’m a free agent, but that’s what I want. We can figure everything else out about contracts and teams later. I need help figuring out how to ask Ilya to marry me.”

His mom reached out a hand and took his, squeezing it, before saying, “Ok, I will tell Farah that you aren’t re-signing and that you want to figure out how to get to Ottawa. We can meet with her after you and Ilya talk and make a plan. Between the five of us we will figure it out. Before we move on, what did your coach do today?”

“He was fucking shitty when I mentioned my therapy appointment today. Basically told me to man up and have a stiff upper lip and then questioned my commitment to the team when I refused to skip the appointment for an impromptu strategy session.”

By the time Shane finished speaking, he thought his mom was going to march out the door and drive to Montreal to murder Theriault. Her hand was nearly cutting off his circulation. “Well you’re right, that makes things crystal-fucking-clear. Fuck those assholes. They don’t deserve you.”

“Amen!” David echoed, before reaching out to ruffle Shane’s hair. “Ok, kiddo, proposal, whadya need help with, do you have a ring yet?”

—

Fortuitously, Ilya was in the middle of a two week roadie. Despite wanting to see him, Shane wasn’t sure he wouldn’t blurt out a barely coherent proposal as soon as he saw him, so it was good he had some time to get a ring and think of a speech. He spent the next two days in Ottawa, talking contract logistics and proposal plans with his parents. He called Ilya Friday morning, just to tell him about his decision about the team, leaving out the Ottawa plan and especially the marriage plan. Luckily, Ilya was sufficiently distracted by calling Theriault every insult he could think of, in both languages he spoke, after hearing what he had done that Shane got away without him asking about what team he would go to.

It was Friday night, as he watched Ilya’s game against Minnesota, that he remembered the second conversation they had about marriage, during that first trip to the cottage. He needed candles. Lots of them. He wouldn’t be able to do it on the dock at the cottage, but if he got electric candles he could easily do it in either of their homes. He just needed rings.

During the third period, after a Wild goal, the camera panned to the family of the Wild player that had scored. Seeing them decked out in his jersey and cheering like crazy gave him another idea. One that was so audacious he was sure Ilya would love it.

—

A week later, Shane was in his Montreal place, waiting for Ilya to arrive. He had set up the ludicrous number of electric candles that Jackie and his mom had found for him. Ilya’s ring that Hayden had gone with him to pick out after the Detroit game was in his pocket. His was in a ring box next to champagne that was chilling in a bucket on the kitchen island. He was slightly annoyed that he wasn’t doing this in Ilya’s home in Ottawa, as he was starting to consider it his home, this place in Montreal temporary, but he had a flight out the next day, and he couldn’t wait any longer.

Finally he heard the key in the door. He stood up and positioned himself in the center of the room, facing where Ilya would enter. He heard Ilya drop his duffle and backpack and took a deep breath to steady himself.

Ilya entered the room and stopped short, arrested by the glittering and glowing light from electric candles littering every surface in view.

“Shane…?” He breathed out, completely entranced by the scene.

Shane mentally congratulated himself, it wasn’t the main goal, but he did really want to surprise Ilya. Most people probably would assume it would be Ilya proposing, Hayden certainly had. But what most people didn’t know is that Ilya struggled to ask for what he wanted, and with Shane he was wary of pushing him too much. And while Shane was grateful for that most of the time, he wanted to show Ilya how much he loved him and that he would give him anything even if he didn’t ask.

Shane walked towards Ilya and before reaching him stopped and as Ilya gasped, knelt in front of him.

“Ilya, you have been so patient with me for the last few months, years really, if I am being honest. Thank you for giving me time to figure out what I wanted from my life and my legacy. Last week I figured it out. I love you more than anything, and I want my life to be with you and my legacy to be that I am hopelessly and desperately in love with Ilya Rozanov and the best fucking hockey player I can be.”

Ilya was shaking, tears rolling down his cheeks, his hands partway outstretched, reaching unconsciously for Shane. He had never been more beautiful. He opened his mouth, but Shane hurried to finish and pulled out the ring.

“Let me finish. Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov, will you marry me?”

“You know my middle name?” Ilya huffed distractedly.

“Yes, I know how Russian middle names work, plus it’s on fucking Wikipedia” Shane rolled his eyes.

“Yes.”

“And I know your father’s name,” Shane continued to explain, but Ilya interjected quickly.

“No, I mean, yes, I will marry you”

“Really?” Shane wasn’t that worried Ilya would say no, but still hearing it made his heart soar.

“Of course, моя любовь(moya lyubov')[my love]. I would like nothing more than to marry you.” At this Ilya finished reaching out to Shane and yanked him into his arms, burying his face into his neck and feathering kisses along his neck before tilting his head and finally kissing him desperately. He broke the kiss briefly to say “I love you so fucking much Shane,” before reclaiming Shane’s lips.

When they broke apart to breathe Shane had to make a choice, let this escalate or keep talking. He remembered the ring at that moment and he pulled back slightly. Ilya held him tighter.

“I’m not going anywhere, just wanted to give you the ring.” He lifted it up and gestured for Ilya’s hand. “I didn’t have time to size it or anything, so hopefully it fits.”

It didn’t, he had estimated far too small, it barely fit on Ilya’s pinky.

“Is ok sweetheart,” Ilya said. He reached up and unhooked the clasp of his mother’s necklace and indicated that the ring could be threaded onto the chain to rest against the cross he rarely removed. “I can’t wear it right now anyways. Too many questions.”

“True, I should get a chain for mine. But I still want to get yours resized when we get a chance. So we can wear them in private.”

“You bought yourself a ring? So presumptuous.” Ilya tsked teasingly.

“I was pretty sure you were a sure bet.” Was Shane’s rejoinder. “Come on, I have champagne.”

He dragged Ilya towards the kitchen, but the moment Ilya saw his ring sitting in the ring box on the counter he raced ahead to grab it. He turned and insisted on putting it on Shane’s finger. Once it was seated, he lifted Shane’s hand and kissed the ring gently, reverent, clearly overcome by the sight and the act.

Shane wasn’t much better, as tears pricked in his eyes. He blinked them away and leaned forward for a soft kiss before grabbing the champagne flutes and the bottle. He poured two glasses, handed one to Ilya and held his up to cheers them.

“To us,” he said as their glasses clinked together, “to being the first husbands in hockey.”

They drank, and as their emotions calmed to a steady headyness, Ilya joked, “I can’t believe you stole my proposal idea. Not very creative Hollander.”

Shane smirked in response, “I’m just faster than you, not just on the ice. Got tired of waiting for you to do it.”

“Is not true. I am faster. And it doesn’t count, you used my idea! Is cheating!” Ilya’s faux petulance made Shane giggle.

He decided to pivot. “I was thinking this summer, for the wedding.”

“Really?” Ilya seemed shocked.

“Yes, I’m tired of waiting to live. You were right last spring. I want our future as soon as possible.”

Ilya was crying again. “I want this too. As soon as possible.”

“And I want to play in Ottawa.”

Ilya stared at him dumbstruck.

“And I want to come out.” Might as well get it all out at once.

This jolted Ilya out of his stunned silence. He set his flute down, grabbed Shane’s to set it down as well. Grabbed his hand and tugged him over to the couch. He sat down and pulled Shane down on top of him trying to get as close as possible. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and he asked, “Are you sure?”

“So sure. I’m tired of hiding who I am and my love for you. I’m tired of being apart and not going to sleep with you every night and waking up with you every morning. And I really fucking want to play hockey with you not against you. I am leaving my shit team, I need an upgrade. Who better than my husband’s team?”

Ilya laughed giddily and framed Shane’s face in his hands. “Thank you, I want all this too. No more distance, no more separation. Only truth. And love. And openness.”

Shane smiled mischievously, “And I have an absolutely insane idea of how to come out. You will love it, it is so chaotic.”

—

The next time they had time to talk about everything was the short Christmas break. Shane flew directly to Ottawa rather than traveling back to Montreal with the rest of his team. At this point, he didn’t need to spend any more time than necessary with the team, didn’t need to collect any more data with his mind made up.

Shane and Ilya enjoyed the holiday with his parents, and then because neither of them had games right after the break, the four of them sat down on a call with Farah to talk strategy.

“Okay, Shane, let’s start with whether a trade or waiting for free agency is better. Honestly, if you can handle finishing out the season, it will make things much easier. We can negotiate directly with the Cens, and not have to depend on Montreal. They were pushing hard for you to sign an extension to your current contract at the beginning of the season. They might not want to let you go even if you waive your No-Trade. And they are going to balk at trading you to a divisional rival. So they may try to make a trade with someone else.”

“Ok in that scenario, you would need to wait to come out, we don’t want to risk anything happening.” Yuna commented.

“Yes, would be unsafe.” Ilya agreed.

“We don’t know that.” Shane protested, but after meeting Ilya’s eye, he backtracked, “but yeah, no reason to risk it. I think I could finish out the season. ”

“Ok, now let's talk narrative.” Farah acknowledged. “We know from Ilya’s move to Ottawa that not signing an extension and switching teams after so many years will cause talk. Your parents are healthy and without explaining Ilya, people will be asking a lot of questions if you try to cite personal reasons. Questions that you don’t want to answer. At least in Ilya’s case, Boston being further away, the amount of time since Boston’s last cup, and his willingness to be generally belligerent to anyone who asked, helped to deflect questions. I don’t see that last option working for you.”

“That is an understatement,” David said laughing.

Shane met his mom’s eyes, then Ilya’s and shared the start to his mom’s idea, an idea that had mostly stemmed from a desire to say a final fuck you to Montreal. “Mom had an idea for that. It’s kinda underhanded. I could come out to management and count on them being horrible about it. They would want to get rid of me because it could mess with the team dynamics.” This was mostly speculation, but based on everything he had seen over the last 3 months it didn’t feel like much of a gamble.

Farah raised her eyebrows, intrigued.

Shane added to the idea, “and I was thinking I let them know I am planning to tell the team this summer and maybe ask if they are interested in doing some diversity and inclusion initiatives, which would make them nervous.”

“They could start icing you out, which would be something that the public would notice.” Farah was fully caught up at this point.

“Yes, they will probably minimize his media appearances, stop posting about him on socials, and likely stop inviting him to every meeting.” Yuna anticipated. “We could monitor it. Track it for documentation. As a fail safe.”

“Yup, that is almost guaranteed. I would want you to record the meeting with management too, so we have that in our back pocket as well. You are protected by the one-party consent laws here.” Farah stipulated.

“The only downside is that if the public notices, the team definitely will too. I’m already not super popular in the room. And it might mean the team mirrors management’s attitude. Icing me out, which would have repercussions on my game. My game has been not great lately, but that is mostly due to my hyper awareness of how shitty the team is. But if they start icing me out, even if I figure my game out, it won’t matter. I would be cooked. I’m not thrilled that they might look like they are the ones who don’t want me, because my play looks bad, but I can live with it.”

“Yes, that isn’t great, but it would explain the move.” Farah said kindly.

“I just wish there was a way that we could manipulate the narrative so that it is clear it is their problem, not mine.” Shane mused, knowing that wasn’t something that was in their control.

Ilya piped up, “I have idea about that.” Ilya said to Shane’s surprise.

“Yeah?”

“Da, but you would have to be best hockey player in the league. Or at least act like him.” Ilya had an air of mischief to him and Shane loved him so fucking much. He was so fucking lucky.

Chapter End Notes

A couple of things. I thought I would write a different proposal scene, but I actually thought something close to canon would actually highlight the changes that were the impetus of this story.

I am of two minds with respect to the canon reason for Shane proposing. *Spoilers for LG* I love the drama of the plane crash, but Ilya is right to ask if this is because he almost died. For this one I wanted something also life altering, at least for Shane, who's identity is so tied up with Montreal.

Also because this isn't after the LG fight, Shane is more sure of the answer, hence the two rings.

Also, Shane's idea for coming out is the idea I had that caused the whole story. I'm not spoiling it yet.

Chapter 8: March/April 2020

Chapter Summary

Shane and co. implement their plan. The hockey world is confused.

Chapter Notes

We are covering a fair amount of time. This chapter will jump forward and flash back.

And because this is the first time that the outside world matters to this story I thought some outside POV in the form of podcasts would help tell the story. Shout out to the Empty Netters Podcast, as I decided against making up my own.

Also, COVID doesn't exist in this universe.

Also do I know anything about Hockey? Not much. Is this mostly based on vibes? Yes. It’s about the *narrative*. But do let me know if I said anything insanely stupid. (I’m ok with a little stupid for the story….) *** edit: credit to SpaghettiShimmy for correcting some of my more glaring errors!

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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

March

April

Shane’s body felt like one massive bruise. Over the course of the season his protection got worse and worse which meant he was taking more hits than ever. Teams that played Montreal knew that there wouldn’t be many consequences if they got physical with Shane. Shane was sure that he hadn’t gotten seriously hurt only because they had planned for this. They had decided back over the holidays that he wouldn’t initiate the plan until he had a couple of weeks to settle into the play style to make sure that he could do it. The bonus to that was that it also allowed them to make sure that there was a clear inflection point.

Unfortunately for Montreal's front office, the games after the break went to script. He quickly adapted to a more selfish playstyle that mimicked Ilya’s single minded focus on the goal, just with more of his characteristic grace. It helped that he had been so obsessed with Ilya personally and professionally for his whole career. The team and coaches were happy to take a step back and let him do all the work. It was also unfortunate for them that Theriault had decided that Shane’s defiance in December was a fluke as he continued to be invited to every strategy session and captain’s meeting.

This meant that when he finally decided to set up the pivotal meeting with management and the coaches, they were ready in all senses of the word. He was ready for the changes to the game that were looming. His mother and Farah had compiled statistics on his media appearances and social media features. And he had made sure to subtly request documentation of captains duties, by figuring out ways to email or text a follow up after every meeting.

The meeting went just as poorly as they expected. The front office was clearly freaked out by the information and his “plan” to come out publicly.

The changes started slowly but rapidly gained momentum. The first change was the number of meetings and media appearances he was asked to participate in. Ironically, it actually freed Shane up to just focus on his game and on things that made him happy. So outside of training he spent a lot of time with the Pikes and in Ottawa with Ilya and his parents. Having these outlets was essential as everything got uglier and uglier. It was interesting that, outside of the bone-crushing nature of the hockey he had to endure, he was actually enjoying being relieved of these responsibilities. It made him look forward to not being captain.

By the end of February the dynamic had completely shifted. He was essentially left unguarded every time he stepped onto the ice for the game. When he had told Hayden the gist of the plan, he had asked that Hayden not endanger himself or his contract by overtly defending him. Just stick to helping his game and supporting Shane like he always did. Hayden was devastated that it had gotten to this point, but completely understood.

J.J. just seemed confused. A typically boisterous player, he was uncharacteristically quiet. He didn’t join in the group of players that had taken their cues from on high but he seemed unsure on how to react at all. He and a very quiet contingent of some of the younger players spent the rest of the regular season completely bewildered by the team fracturing live in front of the world.

While Shane took care of things on the ice, Yuna and Farah took care of the behind the scenes stuff. Yuna was shoring up his external media presence and sponsor portfolio, making sure his existing contracts were protecting him and seeking out new ones for the next season. While Farah wasn’t yet negotiating with Ottawa, to prevent accusations of tampering, she was doing everything she could to test the waters and prepare for negotiations. Luckily, Shane wasn’t asking for anything too hefty, he cared more about stability and security than money. Plus he wanted to make sure that Ottawa could acquire solid talent in the years to come.

David had thought of something that could signal to Ottawa that they might want to be ready for a high profile free-agency signing. He theorized that if Ilya came out to his management they could first get solid proof that the Cens would be a safe landing spot for Shane, and then if they were good about it, which Ilya absolutely expected, he could somehow steer the conversation to a partner, who was planning on coming out, who played in the league, and was looking for a more accepting team. And hopefully between that, and all the rumors swirling they could read the tea leaves that Shane Hollander was going to be on the market and had personal reasons to be looking in Ottawa’s direction.

Shane had only two stipulations for this. First, he insisted they contact an immigration lawyer to understand the intricacies and pathways to protect Ilya from any negative repercussions. Second, he wanted Ilya to come out to some of his teammates first. So he would have backup in the locker room. He had already come out to Troy Barrett, after Troy surprisingly shared his own sexuality with him after a game in New York in January. Just having Troy know the basics had been such a boon to his happiness that telling more people was something Ilya was excited to do. He was thrilled to get to share that he was bisexual and had a partner (even if he didn’t name said partner) with the men he had grown to love the most on his team.

Bood, Wyatt, and Dykstra had reacted on a spectrum of giddy shock and knowing happiness. Bood and Wyatt had guessed that Ilya had a serious partner and Wyatt had even said he suspected the true reason for the secrecy. Dykstra, ever a lovable, oblivious, well-meaning idiot, had been stunned speechless for several minutes, standing still with a goofy smile on his face before launching into a slew of out of pocket questions about things like why are bears and otters types of gay, what exactly is gay culture, because he didn’t want to accidentally appropriate it, and whether the prostate thing was a myth, cause he always wondered and Caitlin had offered to experiment years ago, but he wanted to talk to an expert before trying it. That made all four men laugh until they cried, with Wyatt protesting that most of the questions could be answered easily by Google. All three of his teammates had been honored that Ilya had shared with them and vowed to do whatever they could to support him.

The meeting with the owners, GM, and the coaching staff of the Cens was similarly supportive and loving. The sibling trio that owned the team were clearly touched that he felt comfortable revealing this, talking animatedly about how they could support him when/if he wanted to come out and some charities and initiatives they had been thinking about getting involved with and his opinions on which ones they should prioritize. While the GM and Wiebe’s primary reactions had been overwhelming pride, they clearly understood the subtext of the meeting, Wiebe’s eyes twinkling with clear anticipation as he listened to Ilya share the vague details about his partner.

It was with these dominoes falling into place that Shane looked towards his last playoffs as the captain of the Montreal Voyageurs. They had limped in with a wildcard, and Shane knew deep down that it would be a shellacking in the first round. They would be lucky to win a single game against Detroit. His team was fully committed to tearing down one player in every way they could. And instead of them targeting Scott Hunter with their hate and vitriol like they did back in November, they were targeting their own captain.

Chapter End Notes

I did do hockey research to figure out some of this, but who knows if it's right. Hopefully the vibes work at least.

Also I wanted Dykstra to represent a clueless idiot that is trying his best. Hopefully I got that balance right.

---

Also I told myself I would reply to comments before posting the next chapter each time, but wow you all have been so nice in the comments and there are so many I am starting to struggle to keep up! So I'm going to keep trying but if it takes me a minute to reply just know I light up and smile every time I get that email in my inbox!!!

Chapter 9: May 2020

Chapter Summary

Shane is finally free, but due to the timing of the Free Agency Window, he's stuck in no man's land. Luckily, the Centaurs are ready to welcome him, no matter what team he belongs to.

Chapter Notes

This one was fun to write. And just so you get a sense of what you are about to read, my partner could not stop laughing as he read this one. I asked him last night which scene was his favorite and he said it was this one.

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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

May

Shane’s summer started sooner than Ilya’s, as Ottawa was able to beat Tampa in the first round in six. Shane was so proud of Ilya, he had really come into his own as a leader on the team. It also definitely didn’t hurt to know that, based on the way things seemed to be working out, he was joining a team that had figured a lot of its issues out, what with the new coaching staff, headed by Wiebe, and the infusion of key talent over the couple of years in Ilya, Haas, Troy and Wyatt. They definitely had more growing to do, they particularly needed depth, as the quality of play dropped significantly after the first and second lines. Shane could help with that.

If he needed another reason to come out, having to watch Ilya’s games in the second round from home would have given him plenty. They knew with all the free agency rumors he could not be seen anywhere near any team until all the negotiations were wrapped up, so he stayed away, watching the games from his parents living room. Even his parents were wrapped up in this, despite them attending Ilya’s games in the past, they decided as a family to keep a low profile.

The Cens put up a good fight in the second round, but their lack of depth was on full display against Detroit. As Ilya participated in the season wrap up with his team, Shane took the opportunity to go to Montreal to handle the moving process. He was selling his Brossard home and officially moving into their home in Ottawa. It felt a little bit like putting the cart before the horse, but as literally everyone with knowledge of the plan assured him, the contract with Ottawa was a foregone conclusion, they just needed the window for signing to open up on July 1st.

The other thing he was focused on was sorting out the logistics of getting married. His mom had put him and Ilya in contact with an immigration lawyer that helped to sort out all the paperwork they would need to have in place to apply for Ilya’s permanent residency, as well as a sealed marriage license, to ensure they weren’t discovered by some curious city official or public records enthusiast.

With the timing of the wedding top of mind, they had decided that Ilya should come out to the team as a whole and invite them to the wedding. They debated having him just leave his partner unnamed and let them speculate and only reveal his spouse-to-be once he was officially on the team. Ilya was tempted by this option as it was in line with his chaotic personality, but they decided that even if everything didn’t work out, they wanted to be open with the teammates that had become like family for Ilya. So Ilya asked Bood to host a BBQ under the guise of an end of season celebration, but informed him that he would be bringing his partner.

So after sorting out the movers and packing the items that he wanted to move himself, Shane said goodbye to Montreal. It struck him as he drove the two hours home, that this was the last time he would have to do this drive to bridge the gap between his and Ilya’s homes. The thought made him giddy and ameliorated the bitter nature of the goodbye to the city that had been his home for nine years.

—

Ilya parked outside Bood’s house in Ottawa. They were fashionably late, which Shane hated, but Ilya had convinced him that it was actually better to be late. He had done this with a combination of logic (if they could guarantee that everyone was there they would only have to explain the key points once) and distracting blow jobs (that meant they had to take another shower, making them late, logical arguments or no).

He turned to Shane as he put the car in park.

“Last chance Hollander. Say the word and we turn around”

He had clearly picked up on Shane’s nervousness. Shane took a deep breath, “No I’m ready, it’s just scary.”

“But you are brave.”

“Why is that always your response?”

“Because you are the bravest person I know, Shane.” Ilya said earnestly. “Especially since your team betrayed you, though they don’t know why they did it, it is brave to trust my team based only on my word.”

“I guess. But I trust you more than anyone,” Shane mused, “so that helps.”

“Well, trust me that they will love you, as I love you.” Ilya paused, “Well maybe not exactly how I love you, I would be too jealous.”

Shane laughed at Ilya’s exaggerated winking and decided his nerves weren’t going to get any better, “Ok let’s go get this over with. I’m not going to get less nervous.”

“That’s the spirit!”

They walked to the door and as Shane went to knock politely, Ilya shook his head and just opened the door.

“He just leaves it open so he and Cassie don’t have to keep answering the door for the entire team. Plus now I can announce us!”

Ilya darted off towards, what Shane presumed, was the backyard, pulling Shane behind him. Luckily, there was no one in the kitchen grabbing anything, so he was able to station Shane just to the side of the back door, out of sight before gesturing for him to be quiet.

“I am here! The party can get started!” He announced as he walked outside in a booming voice.

A chorus of “Roz!”, “Rozy!”, “Cap!” met his announcement of his presence, the team clearly excited to see him.

Bood came over looking curious. He started, “Roz, I thought you were bringing…”

Ilya interrupted, speaking just to Bood, “Yes, yes, yes, I am being dramatic. I have earned this.” He clapped his hands and said in his previous booming tone, “Everyone listen up! I have some things to say! Very Important Things! You must listen to me! I am your captain!”

Shane rolled his eyes fondly, Ilya did love the spotlight and winding people up.

“What is it, Roz? I want to get back to eating!” A voice that Shane recognized as Dykstra.

“I will not tell you until everyone is paying attention to me. It is very juicy!”

“Fine, fine.” Bood capitulated, guessing what was about to happen. He bellowed, “EVERYONE LISTEN TO CAP!”

The backyard quieted and everyone turned to face Ilya.

“Thank you, Bood. I have three things to tell you. And they are all related.” Ilya started.

“Get on with it!” groused someone.

“I will if you just listen! Is worth it, I promise! I will answer questions at the end, so don’t interrupt me.” Ilya said impatiently. “First, I am bisexual.”

A wave of gasps, and even something sounding like someone choking on their drink, met this statement. Before anyone could try to respond Ilya barrelled on.

“I have a partner and he proposed and we are getting married this summer and you all are invited!” Ilya threw his arms out like he was expecting a standing ovation. He got shocked silence in response instead. Shane was pretty sure it wasn’t a bad silence. Ilya really had dumped a lot of insane information on his team in the span of thirty seconds.

“Yes, yes, is shocking I know. Does anyone have any questions?” Shane rolled his eyes at this. Ilya was really going to reveal him in the most dramatic way possible. He loved it though. He was so happy that Ilya could be so playful with this.

Like a wave breaking, players started asking questions, all overlapping each other. Most were variations on “What?”, “Huh”, “Are you pulling our leg?”. He heard someone react to the gender Ilya had revealed, “He?” and shortly thereafter heard a smack, and a loud mutter of “Why the fuck do you think he told us he was bisexual?” And finally, Shane heard Wyatt ask “What’s his name?”

Ilya didn’t bother to answer the other questions. “Would you like to meet him?” Shane could hear the mischief in his tone, could picture the self-satisfied smirk on Ilya’s face and prepared himself to step outside.

A roar of “YES” assaulted his ears.

“Моя любовь(Moya lyubov')[My love], come out here.” Ilya beckoned.

Shane braced himself, took a deep breath, and stepped into view. He was met with a group of about three dozen people, staring in utter disbelief at him. Comically, many of them were looking between him and Ilya, their heads turning so rapidly like the act of shaking their head back and forth would help shake their brains back into functionality so they could comprehend what they were seeing. None of the hockey players or their partners seemed mad though. Just like they had been presented with information that fundamentally altered their view of the world.

Shane walked over to where Ilya was standing in front of everyone, took his outstretched hand, and waved with his other. “Hi everyone, I’m Shane. Nice to meet you all.”

Ilya snickered next to him. “You are adorable.” He murmured into Shane’s ear, leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.

Dykstra broke first. “YOU PULLED SHANE MOTHERFUCKING HOLLANDER?!? YOU ABSOLUTE LEGEND!”

This broke the seal and if Shane thought the backyard was loud after Ilya’s first set of announcements, that was like saying one firework was loud and then hearing 50 fireworks go off at once. He couldn’t even decipher any of the questions. But he could see people lurching out of their seats, stumbling over one another, clambering over the backs of chairs and patio furniture to get close to them.

Shane flinched. He couldn’t help it. Even joyful crowding was something he was uncomfortable with if he wasn’t ready for it. Ilya felt it and looked at Bood, who put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, and then said “Everyone sit back down! They can’t answer your questions all at once and they need to be able to breathe. Plus Hollander will think we are a bunch of hooligans! I’m going to get them some food and drinks, Haas come help me carry them, someone grab them some chairs, and we can all sit down and talk about this as normal civilized humans instead of a raging herd of elephants.”

Shane looked gratefully at Bood, who nodded in his direction before racing off to get them things. Ilya requested at his retreating back, “Ginger ale or water for Shane, beer for me! Oh and make sure Shane gets some salad, he eats like a rabbit.”

They were ushered to a two person couch on the patio, clearly given the spot of honor as several players and partners shifted to accommodate, and the rest of the team moved chairs and the other furniture into a semi circle around them. When they ran out of chairs, partners were pulled into laps, or younger players were shooed onto the ground. Everyone getting as close as possible, ready to ask questions and listen.

Shane couldn’t stop scanning for any hostile reactions, but every person he looked at only had some mix of confusion, curiosity, amusement, and genuine delight in their features. Barrett had a look of longing in his eyes that Shane understood, and he saw his eyes dart a couple of times in the direction of the Cen’s social media manager, Harris, who he identified using a process of elimination, because the man looked nothing like a hockey player.

Bood and Haas came back with plates and drinks, handing them to them, before Bood settled down in the empty spot next to, who Shane presumed was Cassie, Bood’s wife, Haas folding himself to the ground at Bood’s feet. Bood looked to Ilya and Shane, then Wyatt, and gestured to Wyatt, as the calmest member of the team to take charge.

“Ok everyone,” Wyatt moderated, “we will ask questions one at a time, let the boys answer what they want. We will respect if they don’t want to answer, and if they get tired of answering questions we stop. Also, just to make this super fucking clear, this information does not leave this group unless Roz and Hollander say it can. Roz let me, Dykstra, and Bood know that he is bisexual a couple of months ago, and he told us that it could be dangerous for him with Russia if it gets out. I know none of you would do it intentionally, but you need to be extra careful to protect Cap and his partner.”

Shane had never heard Wyatt say so many words. Clearly, neither had the rest of the team, who reacted to the gravity of his words and tone, nodding and agreeing solemnly. He was incredibly touched and honored that Wyatt had stepped in to clearly set the boundaries for everyone, he had obviously been thinking about this since Ilya had come out to him.

There was a brief lull before Troy Barrett raised his hand, bravely sallying forth with a question, “Um, how long have you guys been together? It’s gotta be a bit, since you’re getting married?”

A few interjections in agreement and the blatant curiosity gracing the faces of the whole group made Shane think this was a question that everyone wanted an answer to.

“We have been engaged since just before Christmas, and boyfriends since July 2017.” Shane answered.

“Rozy, did you move to Ottawa for Shane?” Haas asked, clearly enthralled by the romance of it all.

“Yes, was all part of the plan to change the narrative and make it easier to see each other.” Ilya confirmed.

“Dude, you moved teams and entire countries for a relationship that was less than a year old?!” Choinaurd burst out. “That shit takes time, you had to have made that plan months in advance!”

Shane rolled his eyes, knowing where this was going. “Umm… we had been seeing each other unofficially for a while before we got together officially. We made the plan when we got together, cause we knew it would be complicated if we wanted a future.”

“Holy shit.” Shane heard Troy mutter before he raised his voice to ask the obvious follow up, “How long is a while?”

“Um, like 2010?” Shane said hesitantly. While he appreciated Ilya letting him determine what they shared, he wished he was chiming in more so Shane wouldn’t have to figure out how to explain their long and convoluted story all by himself. He shot him a look, wordlessly asking him to help out.

“Yes, summer before rookie year. Shane couldn’t resist me, and just the fourth time we saw each other he seduced me with those beautiful freckles and it was over. I could not get him out of my head no matter how hard I tried.” Well, maybe Shane should have just handled it, if that’s how Ilya would explain things.

“Asshole, you told me that you noticed my freckles that first time we saw each other, I didn’t do anything, you came onto me!”

“Your eyes were saying plenty котенок (kotenok)[kitten], you couldn’t look away, and you know it. Didn’t have to say anything for me to know you wanted me.”

“Jesus Christ, Ilya, they don’t need to know that.”

“Yes we do!” Bood hollered! “You are blowing my mind right now. You have been hooking up since before your rookie season?! How did that even work?”

“Uhh… We weren’t exclusive or anything, we would just meet up when we were in the same place for games and stuff” Shane tried to explain. “But eventually we realized it wasn’t enough and we decided to give it a real shot.”

“Моя идеальная сосна (Moya ideal'naya sosna)[My perfect pine tree], this is not true, I made you sandwich and cuddled on my couch with you and you ran away and dated a movie star to prove to yourself that you weren’t gay.”

“Ilya…” Shane warned.

“What? Is true. I even said I love you first.”

“In Russian! That was such a cop out, I didn’t even know you were saying it.”

“I said it in English first too.” Ilya rightly argued.

“After I invited you to my cottage and came up with the plan for us to be together for real!”

“Still counts!” Ilya gloated.

“Ok, let me get this straight,” Dykstra interjected, “You all hooked up for years, then after Shane dated Rose fucking Landry, you all figured your shit out, got together, and decided that Roz would move to Ottawa, and then what, started a charity? Was that part of the plan?”

“Was not straight, what we were doing with each other,” Ilya couldn’t help making that tired joke, smirking first at Shane and then his team, “But yes, gave us reason to be friends in public and to be seen together.”

The team looked shellshocked.

“So yeah, the plan was to just do that until we retired, but after the last year Ilya was in Boston and the first one he was here, we started to realize it wasn’t sustainable. We are planning on coming out sometime next season, after getting married. Which is part of why we are telling you all. We wanted to tell the people that were important to us before it all goes public.”

“Ok, outside of us, who knows? Does your team know Shane?” Harris asked. Some of the hockey players winced, as they had been following the shitstorm that was Montreal over the last couple of months, and likely had a guess that Montreal wouldn’t be Shane’s team much longer.

“Outside you all the only people that know about both of us and the fact that we are together are my parents obviously, Rose, Ilya’s friend Svetlana, Hayden and Jackie Pike.”

“Coach, Harrison, and the owners know I am bisexual and have a partner who is a hockey player.” Ilya continued.

“Yeah and Montreal’s management and coaches know I am gay, but nothing else. I told them back at the end of January.” Shane let that information settle.

Wyatt exclaimed, “Wait a second, you told them at the beginning of the year?! Is that why things have been so fucking weird for Montreal this year? They found out that you are gay and reacted like that? What the hell!”

“Yes.” Shane answered simply. “They didn’t think an out gay person fit in with their culture.”

At this, the temperature of the group changed, murderous glares and furious cursing traveling in a wave through the whole group before Ilya raised a hand for calm.

“Yes Montreal is a group of homophobic, racist, sexist assholes, we knew this and Shane did not want to stay there anymore. We make a plan to get him out and make them look as stupid as they are.”

“You planned it!?” Troy exclaimed at the same time that Bood squawked, “You’re leaving Montreal?! Thank fucking god. Those assholes don’t deserve you.”

“Yes. I had been figuring out if the team would be safe if I came out, and once I realized it would not be, we decided to bait management into getting rid of me, knowing that if anything came out they would have a discrimination lawsuit on their hands. Ilya helped me adjust my playstyle so that I could keep myself safe on the ice and still play well despite my team abandoning me, since I knew they would follow leadership's cues even if they didn’t know why I was being iced. It was pretty clear by the end of March that they wanted nothing to do with me. So I’ll be a free agent in July.”

“Where are you going?!” Multiple people shouted.

Ilya just mimed zipping his lips while Shane said, “Ah, I can’t really say anything until the window opens. Wouldn’t want to have any allegations of interference.” Between Ilya’s obvious joy and Shane’s words, a ripple of gasps percolated through the group as they read between the lines, the mutual realization making an air of giddiness permeate through the whole team.

“Yes! Shane deserves a team that treats him as he deserves, and he will get one. In the meantime, you all will make him feel welcome, make him feel like one of us, yes?” Ilya demanded, “And I expect you all at our wedding, in August after you all help with our camps!”

Chapter End Notes

Again, my favorite thing is the timeline reveal. Here's my second interpretation of this. I love how unhinged and supportive I was able to write this team. It was cathartic after making Montreal so awful.

Also Ilya is a professional shit stirrer, there is no way he wouldn't milk this moment for as much drama as possible.

Chapter 10: June 2020

Chapter Summary

A short interlude to gain a new family member.

Chapter Notes

I had to make this it's own chapter, as it didn't really fit with what just came before this, and what is coming after it. But I think it's important we have a moment to refocus on Shane and Ilya.

 

Sorry for the short chapter tonight. Two more coming tomorrow!
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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

June

Shane was at a loss for what to get Ilya for his birthday until meeting Harris at Bood’s BBQ. They had gotten coffee a week or so after the BBQ, figuring that the social media guy for the Cens wouldn’t raise too many eyebrows if they were spotted out together. They could just be talking about the camp media plan. But really Shane was reveling in the novelty of being liked just for himself, while being fully honest about all aspects of his life.

Harris was telling him about his family’s apple farm when he mentioned a stray dog that they had taken in recently. She was no more than a year old, a chill personality, but an active border collie with a reddish brown coat. When Shane heard that they were looking for a forever home, he couldn’t stop himself from asking to meet her, despite his wariness over the realities of owning a dog. Ilya had mentioned a few times that he wanted a dog since moving to Ottawa, but since they had gotten engaged, he had stopped asking. Shane wondered if Ilya was worried that Shane would get overwhelmed by more change. Again, a wave of gratitude that was tinged in some sadness washed over him. Ilya was holding himself back for Shane. Well, that was an easy fix.

They set up a time for Shane to stop by the farm, on a day that Ilya was busy all day doing some sponsor thing that Yuna had found for him. The minute Shane laid eyes on her, he could tell it was over. Her innocent brown eyes seemed to peer directly into his soul as she nestled his way into his heart. And if he fell in love with her that easily, Ilya would be a puddle on the floor the minute he met her. He asked if he could take her home the same day, surprised by his impulsivity, but unable to leave without her.

On the way home, he called his dad and asked him to pick up some stuff from the pet store before meeting Shane at his and Ilya’s house. While his dad was shocked by this request, he agreed easily. In the time before Ilya got home, David and Shane researched what they would need to order or pick up in the next couple of days and set up the dog beds, her food, and took her for a walk. His dad took off after that, and Shane set up an order from their favorite restaurant to be delivered about an hour after Ilya was going to get home, and settled on the couch with the puppy.

As he sat there watching an old hockey documentary, he marveled at how much he had grown over the last year especially. He could have never made this type of spontaneous decision a year ago, would have spent days spinning it around in his head and twisting himself into knots. Lillian had been working on him trusting his gut, something he had basically ignored, off the ice, for most of his adult life. Over the years, Ilya had unknowingly encouraged him to listen to his gut in myriad ways, and as he felt their new family member snuggle into his side he was filled with so much appreciation for his remarkable fiance, that he had encouraged him to grow and find himself and seek out safety and joy.

He heard the door open, and he stood and clicked his tongue to get the puppy to follow him. She listened and they wandered towards the door together. Ilya was already talking as he came towards them,

“Shane?! What do you want for dinner? I don’t really want to cook, I have been on my feet all day getting poked and prodded, and not in the good way. What about ordering from…” He trailed off as the puppy pranced towards him wiggling her body, excited to meet a new person.

Ilya comically looked up at Shane, down at the dog, over and over again, like he wasn’t sure he was in a dream.

“Welcome home Ilya, are you going to say hello to her?” Shane encouraged, thoroughly enjoying the dopey look of awed surprise on his fiance’s face.

“Her?” Ilya breathed out, before basically collapsing to the ground to scoop the dog into his arms.

“Yes, she needs a name, I thought you could decide, since I decided to adopt her without talking to you.”

“She’s ours?!” was the stupefied response from the floor where Ilya had his face buried in her fur.

“Who else’s would she be?”

“I thought you were borrowing her! She’s ours?” Ilya repeated with a whine in his voice, clearly overwhelmed.

“She’s ours. I hadn’t heard you mention the idea of getting a dog in a while, but I know you still wanted one. I had been thinking about it for a bit, and then Harris mentioned that they had taken in a precious puppy that needed a home. And with your birthday in a couple of days, the timing felt serendipitous.”

“Serendip… What is this word”

“Fortunately timed, or a happy coincidence.”

“Ah yes. Is perfect.”

“Yes, and I know you were waiting until things settled to introduce more change to our lives, but I couldn’t help but think of how much you have given me, and how much I want to give to you. Finding you a dog, seemed like the least I could do to show my gratitude for the honor of loving you and being loved by you.”

“No, I am the fortunate one. You are подарок(podarok)[gift], Любимый[darling]. You are gift, best thing that I have ever had in my life.”

Shane settled down on the floor next to Ilya and the puppy. “I think in this case, maybe we are both fortunate. I am so thankful for this life you have encouraged me to live. So grateful for your patience and love.”

Ilya lifted his face from where he had the dog nestled into his cheek, leaning into a kiss, murmuring “Спасибо, что подарили мне мою семью (Spasibo, chto podarili mne moyu sem'yu.)[translation in next line]”

He said this slowly enough that Shane was able to translate. Thank you for giving me my family.

They sat on the floor petting the dog and leaning into each other for a few more moments, when Ilya said quietly. “Anna, is her name, but we will call her Anya. Means god has favored me. Which is how I feel right now. Favored by god. To get to build a family with you is more than I ever dreamed of.”

“Anya it is, welcome to the family, Anya Hollander-Rozanova.”

Chapter End Notes

So it was complete coincidence that anya/anna means grace/gift from god. And while I don't think Ilya is super religious, he obviously has an upbringing where this would resonate, especially since I am sure he has felt abandoned by any higher power he is aware of for most of his life.

A short and sweet scene before we hit the final chunk of this story.

Chapter 11: July 2020

Chapter Summary

The world reacts to the news that Shane Hollander has signed with the Ottawa Centaurs.

Chapter Notes

Have fun with this multimedia adventure through the world's collective crash out over this news.

If you like the twitter crash out in particular thank my partner. He pushed me to go for it. If you don't, blame him.

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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

July

NHL Updates @NHL_Updates ✅: The most anticipated UFA Shane Hollander signs with the Ottawa Centaurs. 8 year contract for $70M, with an AAV of $8.75M.
→ Dave @contract_analysis_nhl: Well it definitely wasn’t about money. Hollander's AAV on his last contract with Montreal was $11.25M. If he is willing to take 8.75 at Ottawa, he wasn’t asking for anything wild from Montreal, that’s for damn sure. #doingthemath
→ Monty @monty_voys: FUCK THE VOYAGUERS. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WERE THEY THINKING LETTING HOLZY GO?! #fuckthisteam
→ Harry @harrrry_pucksack: ummmmm…? is it just me or could he have gotten more somewhere else? like why ottawa??????

hady shady @shayden3524: Shane and Hayden must be so sad, but two hours isn’t bad, they can make it work. #shayden #loveislove
→ Peter @peter_smith: get out of here with that nonsense, we are talking about professional hockey players, not fantasy rom com characters
→ Shane's Freckles @shilya_hollanov: Yea, they could’ve made it work, if #shayden was a thing, which it’s not. #Hollanov made it work for the last 2 years. But now they are together at last!

CEN'S BABY @cens4lyfe: what do you mean I woke up to christmas in July?! Who is this team??? They are making MOOOOOVES!
→ Terri @OTT_native: I don’t know if I can handle a winning team emotionally, last year was hard enough. And now you are telling me we have Rozanov AND Hollander? idk if my heart can handle this much winning
→→ CEN'S BABY @cens4lyfe: me either! but I am ready to find out

drewsy @voy_voy_voys: i hate to say it but im not surprised that he didnt sign with montreal. the last couple of months has been roughhhhhhh. HOWEVER - i am fucking floored by him signing with fucking ottawa. that contract feels like a giant middle finger to montreals front office. like he really would rather play for pennies than play for montreal

shane's girl @shanehollander1fan: someone tell me this is an actual joke. what do you mean I am going to have to cheer for the team with the stupidest mascot AND Ilya Rozanov?

Monty @monty_voys: guys its fucking real. we are never winning a cup again in my lifetime…. #fuckme #fuckmontreal [screenshot of @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer’s instagram announcement post]

Empty Netters Podcast @empty_netters ✅: We are going live on Youtube in 5 minutes to crash out about Shane Hollander signing with Ottawa. Join us for an emergency pod as we try to figure out what the hell is going on. [https://www.youtube.com/@emptynetterspod] #nhl #UFA #ottawa #shanehollander #IsThisTheUpsideDown

Chapter End Notes

I didn't mean for this to become a completely multi-media chapter, but here we are.

Originally I used this Twitter Template: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/ao3_socmed_work_skin/works/26754208
---> The generator they built is a LIFESAVER https://anlanther.github.io/ao3-twitter-generator/ 
I ended up not using it because when creator style was off everything got messy, but if you ever need twitter stuff I would check this out.

Podcast template: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/ReferenceWorks/works/21974437

WhatsApp: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46531021#3.6

Chapter 12: August, September, October 2020

Chapter Summary

The boys wrap up their eventful summer and get ready for the 2020-2021 season. They plan to come out during the first game of the season, which just so happens to be at home against Montreal.

Chapter Notes

The plan to come out is what started this entire story. So I hope you like it.

 

Also apologies in advance for those of you in the comments that were hoping for chairs, they are still just two hockey boys. (Tbh I find the chairs thing way too fucking funny to not include it)

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If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

Fall

After the camps, two in Ottawa and one in Montreal, they held their wedding in their backyard in Ottawa. Despite forgetting to rent any chairs, to the consternation of their friends and family, it was a wonderful day full of joy and laughter. After the wedding they spent the rest of the summer at the cottage, with Anya, and occasional dinners with their parents. Shane had suggested figuring out some sort of honeymoon, but after discussing it, they didn’t want to risk the plan, preferring the privacy of the cottage. Ilya also admitted that he was slightly worried about how Shane was doing with all the recent changes and thought it might be good to just have some normalcy and routine before everything got crazy when the season started.

Now in September, Shane appreciated Ilya’s thoughtful care and insight. Having nearly a month to reset and just be with Ilya and Anya, going on runs and training on his plastic rink at the cottage, eating dinner with his parents did wonders for his mental health. It also gave him a chance to process the last year with Lillian with weekly virtual therapy appointments. He was feeling so much more centered and sure of himself.

Feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, he and Ilya made their way back to Ottawa for pre-season training. Before the first practice, Shane insisted on talking about how they would handle being on the same team.

“Well, you will listen to your captain, as is expected by all my teammates.” Ilya snarked.

“Seriously Ilya, I want to make sure that we don’t make our teammates uncomfortable, but more importantly, I want to make sure we don’t hurt each other when we disagree over things.”

“Team will be fine. They love us both, and are obsessed with our relationship.”

“Yes but can we go easy on the PDA?” Shane requested. “Just so we don’t make anyone uncomfortable?”

“I won’t grope you in the locker room or anything, but моя тревожная картошка(moya trevozhnaya kartoshka)[my anxious potato], I only care about making you uncomfortable. So tell me if you are uncomfortable, not if you are worried others are uncomfortable.”

“Ok. I’ll let you know. What about if we disagree or fight?”

“We will, but I will tell you secret.”

“What?” Shane wasn’t sure where Ilya was going with this.

“With strategy, you are usually right, so I will probably just listen to you most of the time.” Ilya admitted. “I will take credit for all your good ideas, and everyone will think I am brilliant.”

Shane was speechless, “Ok, but what if…”

“No buts, we trust each other and we are the two best hockey players ever. We can only make each other better. I promise to listen to you with whatever you want to say.”

“I will listen to you too.” Shane promised. “You know this team so much better than me and I will need your help figuring out you guys’ systems.”

“It will take you maybe a month. If I am being honest, I have already talked to Coach about trying me out on your wing. Instead of defaulting to you on the second line.”

“What?!”

“Is worth trying, we will already do it this way on the power play. I am more versatile than you, and you are probably the best center, my love.” Ilya reasoned. “Plus with you at center, I will score more goals. So you never beat me for Rocket Richard again.”

“Ilya…” Shane was stunned at Ilya’s words, while Ilya had always been more complimentary towards his hockey in relation to other players, these two compliments back to back, were rare when it came to comparing their skills. “You are an amazing center, and a wonderful captain. I would love to play on the same line as you, but let’s let Coach figure out what is best for the team. Maybe sometimes we play on separate lines, sometimes together.”

—

Shane’s words were prescient, as pre-season continued, there was a lot of mixing and matching of lines to figure out who had the best chemistry with each other. They settled on two schemes that worked best, one with Troy, Shane, Ilya on the first line and then Bood, Haas, LaPointe on the second, the other with Troy, Ilya, Bood on one line, Haas, Shane, and LaPointe on another. They figured that for teams with more depth, splitting up their experienced centers could be a good strategy, while breaking out the double-headed monster against certain teams would be spirit crushing.

Already, Shane could feel what a difference being on this team made. He was having fun, he felt like he could trust his teammates and coaches, and felt supported as he made the transition to a new team. He didn’t feel like anyone treated him differently because of his relationship with Ilya, though there were a fair number of jokes about how whipped Ilya was. He felt like he had never played better and while the team had some moments that made it clear how raw they were, at least in terms of championship level play, he could taste the potential. And not an ephemeral potential, but instead one that felt like it was building and it was only a matter of time before the dam broke.

Other than training, they were also coordinating with management about their plan to come out. They had disclosed their relationship to the owners before Shane officially signed, to exactly zero surprise. “The Sibs”, as the team affectionately called the owners were thrilled for them, and were tickled by the impish plan they had. They gave a full throttled endorsement of the chaos that was coming, gleefully anticipating the message it would send to Montreal and the rest of the NHL about their organization.

Harris was instrumental in orchestrating everything, since he had been promoted to the Senior Director of Communications for the team. He helped them plan the entire roll out, from top to bottom, between Yuna, Farah and him their joint social media statement had been vetted many times over. He worked with the equipment managers, the press team, and the social media and website folks to make sure everything would be rolled out in a coordinated manner.

It was pure chance that their first regular season game was scheduled at home against Montreal. Some people (mainly Ilya and Yuna) were concerned that Shane wouldn’t want to make his first meeting with his former team harder than it needed to be, and pushed to delay the plan, but Shane insisted. It felt like fate. He would meet his old team on the ice as a different man, and they wouldn’t know what hit them. He would show everyone why he left and who he really was. He was ready to establish his legacy from this day forward grounded in truth and love with the man he loved by his side and his team at his back.

—

Shane walked into the locker room before the game, as one of the first players to arrive. He and Ilya had driven separately to maintain the ruse and Shane appreciated the moment to center himself before the night’s game. He walked over to his stall and saw his new jersey hanging up. He ran his hand over the team logo on the front and then over his name on the back, smiling to himself about how right it felt.

He felt a hand land on his left shoulder, “Are you ready for this Hollander? Will you disappoint them?”

Ilya’s words ferried him back 10 years to their first game against each other. He smiled at how far they had come. “I’m ready for anything with you. And yours is the only opinion I care about.”

Ilya squeezed his shoulder before letting go. “You will show them who you are. Shane fucking Hollander. Two time Stanley cup winner and one of the best players in the fucking league.”

“And hopelessly in love with Ilya Rozanov, the second best player in the league.”

“This is most important, we must show the world who you belong to.” Ilya mused good naturedly, ignoring, for once, the competitive jab, “And who I belong to.”

Other players started entering, and they separated and began preparations. Everyone was smiling in anticipation and when Harris pulled them aside to take a picture of them in their jerseys the whole room cheered.

They settled down for Coach to go over lines, they were going with the spirit crushing line arrangement tonight. They had decided this between the captains, coaches, and Shane because Shane knew how weak Montreal actually was and because Ilya refused to let him on the ice without him.

Ilya planned to give his normal pre-game speech after warmup, but before they ventured out into the chaos that awaited them he pulled the team together and gestured to Shane.

“The floor is yours, золотце [golden one, precious]”

“Thanks Ilya,” Shane took a deep breath, “I know you all know how important this game is to me and Ilya. Thank you for supporting us with this. I just want to make sure that we play our game, not theirs. Montreal will not react well. They will likely target me and probably Ilya. Unless absolutely necessary, do not take the bait. We are better than them in every way possible. While I want to win, I care more about us stepping on that ice as a family and stepping off of it the same way. And honestly they will probably fall apart as soon as they see me in this jersey, so winning shouldn’t be that hard.”

Boisterous laughing infected the entire group. “You got it Cap. We got your back. We will show them what they are missing” Bood affirmed. “Alright boys you’ve got your marching orders. Get out there and play your hearts out.” Shane was touched that Bood had referred to him as Cap. He wasn’t even an alternate at this point, not sure if he wanted it, even though literally everyone was pushing for him to take the “A”. But it was clear the entire team valued his opinion and experience and respected him to the point that whether he had the letter on his jersey was probably irrelevant.

The whole team filled out of the locker room, leaving Ilya and Shane as the last ones. Shane leaned up to give him a quick kiss and then hurried after the rest of the team, Ilya hurrying to follow him.

He made it to the entrance of the rink and stepped out onto the ice and heard the roar of the crowd and felt himself sink into the safety and comfort of ice under his feet, the stick in his hand, the puck in front of him, and Ilya at his side.

—

Shane and Ilya were idly passing a puck back and forth near the bench, when they could tell people started to notice. They grinned at each other and skated over to where Bood was posted up with Dykstra and Wyatt near the goal.

“Here comes the noise” Bood muttered as he pointed to the jumbotron. They looked over their shoulders to see a shot of their backs with their new names in full view. They waved, and then turned back to talk to their team.

“As we warm up, if you see anything interesting from Montreal let me know.” Shane instructed. “Depending on who it is I can probably predict how they will play based on their reaction.” He could already tell that a good number of players on Montreal’s side had completely abandoned any pretense of warming up, and instead were completely distracted by the jumbotron.

Dykstra and Bood saluted nearly in tandem and skated off. Ilya grinned and then nodded towards the center face off, where Hayden was hovering. The two of them skated over smiling and Shane immediately wrapped Hayden in a hug. After they hugged, Ilya held a hand out for Hayden to shake before saying,

“I am sorry for what is about to happen, Pike.”

“I’m not, they deserve it.” Hayden replied. “I still can’t believe this was your idea Shane, Rozanov is rubbing off on you.”

Ilya grinned salaciously, opening his mouth to say something that was likely filthy before Shane cut him off, “Well, I figured that this was a way for us to be crystal fucking clear and to do it completely on our own terms. And as a bonus, there’s no way that they will be able to focus on playing a good game of hockey now.”

“Most likely not,” Hayden agreed forlorn. “Good luck tonight you two, stay safe.”

“Good luck to you, you will need it.” Ilya returned ominously.

The whole time they were talking, the jumbotron was projecting the image to the arena. At this point the crowd was going crazy, taking pictures and screaming. The noise got more insane once the cameras found their parents, wearing their own versions of the new jerseys, David in Ilya’s and Yuna in Shane’s. The message was unmistakable. And there would be no room for interpretation, when their joint post went live during the third period. Shane and Ilya waved to Yuna and David before turning to finish their warmups in their preferred manner. But before they separated, Ilya grabbed Shane’s arm, a question in his eyes. Shane answered by leaning up and accepted the brief kiss from his husband before skating off, smiling happily as the crowd roared.

—

The rest of the pre-grame activities flew by in a blur. Shane vaguely heard Ilya tell the team how much he loved each and every one of them, heard Wiebe mention that Montreal’s lines hadn’t changed much other than the new center they traded for in the off season, and heard Bood count down into one final cheer, before he snapped back into his body as his feet met ice again.

The starting five huddled at their net, wordlessly nodding at each other before tapping gloves and helmets. Shane turned to skate to center ice with Wyatt radiating calm from the crease, Dykstra and Boyle his loyal rear guard at his back, Troy, to his left, Ilya to his right. A brother, who understood more than almost anyone else what this moment meant, one who had found the courage to stand up for himself in his own way and found a home in this team in the same way Shane had when his team had abandoned him. And his husband, the love of his life, the man that had pushed him, supported him, loved him since they were kids. The man who had built a family for himself, with this team, with Yuna and David, and with Shane.

Shane glanced towards Ilya, before leaning down for the draw. The world quieted, his senses sharpened, and Shane felt a feeling of calmness wash over him. Montreal’s new center looked like deer in headlights, and Shane felt a little bad for what was about to happen. As the puck seemed to drop in slow motion, a slightly feral grin tugged at his lips. He was excited to play some fucking fun hockey. He loved this fucking game.

What followed was genuinely some of the best hockey Shane had ever played up until this point in his life. Shane had had moments in games where he had dissociated and let his body take over, but he had never felt so in tune with his mind and so connected to his body. It was like he was seeing things happen a few seconds before they occurred, like he had eyes in the back of his head. He supposed some of that came from the years of experience with his former team, he knew their patterns and tendencies. But it felt like more than that. He had never felt lighter on his feet or felt more powerful and he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He couldn’t remember the last time he had this much fun on the ice.

From the initial puck drop, most of his former teammates were gunning for him. But they were disorganized and their anger lacked strategy. Shane recognized this mindless hate, from that game against the Admirals last year, but with some important differences. They couldn’t seem to decide whether they should target Shane, who seemed to dance out of reach, any contact they were able to make barely jostling him, or Ilya, who would not and did not hesitate to hit back twice as hard. The lack of focus and inability to land any hits made their efforts to disrupt the game look comically pathetic.

At first, Ilya seemed to be mostly focused on making sure Shane was safe, but once it was clear that Shane was able to skate circles around his former team, laughing as he bobbed and weaved out of the way of their hits, Ilya switched gears. He adopted the mantle he assumed last season, of the collaborative, play-making captain, facilitating his team, and Shane in particular to the win.

By the time the third period was winding down the Centaurs were up 5-0. Shane had two goals, Ilya, Troy, and Haas with the other three. Ilya had his hand in every single goal of the game. They were fighting for the puck in their defensive zone, when Ilya managed to kick it loose and flick it over to Shane who took it down the ice in a breakaway. Montreal was so worn down from literally throwing their bodies at the brick wall that was the Centaur's game that their backcheck was non-existent. Shane sped through the neutral zone and into their offensive zone before switching to his backhand. Or so Drapeau, and most of the arena thought. He left the puck where it was, faked the backhand shot. Drapeau took the bait and he switched back to his forehand, wristing the shot top shelf over the goalie’s shoulder for his third goal of the game. 6-0 with two minutes left in regulation.

Before he could turn to see what Ilya thought of him using his signature move to score a hat trick off an assist from Ilya himself, he was wrapped up in Ilya’s arms, and slammed against the boards in celebration. The rest of the players on the ice joined in the dog pile celebration, screaming and yelling in their ears. But Shane only heard Ilya.

“You are a dirty little thief aren’t you, мой непослушный мальчик(moy neposlushnyy mal'chik)[my naughty boy]?” Ilya purred in Shane’s ear, “Stealing my signature move, I think you will have to make this up to me later.”

“It’s called the Rozanov, and last I checked that name is on my back too. So I think that makes it my move too. What’s yours is mine and all that.” Shane retorted. Ilya’s already darkened eyes narrowed and Shane just smirked in response before the celebration broke up and they skated back to the bench, weaving around the hats that littered the ice. Shane couldn’t wait to go home tonight to celebrate.

Chapter End Notes

Don't worry, there will be more of the reactions and fall out. Just one more chapter and the epilogue left folks!

Also this is fanfic, so OFC I made Montreal their season opener....

Chapter 13: October 2020 cont.

Chapter Summary

The world reacts to the boy's confirmation of their actions. Then the boys talk with the media to clarify things and tell their story.

Chapter Notes

The comments on the last chapter were so incredibly nice and fun! Thank you all so so much for letting me share this with you all.

---------------

If you want to comment, but aren't sure what to say, find a line that made you smile or laugh or cry and tell me about it. :)

@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer and @ilyarozanov

[Carousel of Pictures:
1. The picture Harris took of them in their jerseys (from the back with their names showing), arms around each other and their faces turned towards each other. Smiles can be seen in profile as they look at each other with clear joy.
2. BTS shot of the CCM commercial from 2010 with Shane and Ilya giggling and smiling at each other
3. Wedding photo of their first kiss as husbands (from an angle where you can see the crowd of friends and family behind them)
4. A picture of them and Anya at the cottage on a hike.
5. A family photo of Shane, Ilya, Yuna, and David
6. Another wedding photo from later that night, dancing (or really swaying), leaning their foreheads together, devotion plain on their faces. Ties loose and clothes rumpled.
7. All stars temple kiss photo
8. Draft day photo with 3rd pick cropped out, Ilya grinning like a maniac at Shane, Shane pouting through his media smile.
9. A picture taken by Harris that night of them kissing on the ice during warmup, pride tape visible on their sticks. (Yuna approved the addition)
]

From the very first moments, we have navigated our careers side by side. We have been rivals, friends, boyfriends, fiances, and now husbands, but what has never changed is the respect and admiration we have for each other and this game we are lucky enough to play every day. While we loved the time we spent fiercely competing against each other, loving each other in secret, we are excited for this new chapter where we can fight on the same side while loving each other openly and honestly.

→ @Scott_Hunter ✅: Congrats boys! The game is better today than it was yesterday due to your courage. 🌈🏒🏆
→ @Ottawa_Centuars ✅: So proud of our hockey husbands. #loveislove
→ @Yuna_Hollander: David and I are so proud of you both. Our sons are the absolute best.
→ @Jackie_Pike: 🏳️‍🌈So happy my kids have the best Uncles to look up to. (@ilyarozanov - thanks for not checking my husband too badly during this game)
→ @Rose_Landry ✅: Congrats @ilyarozanov on bagging my favorite gay ex-boyfriend(turned best friend). You both are too adorable. 🩷❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
→ @kipgrady: I know his comment looked calm, but seeing you all kiss on screen during the game made @Scott_Hunter lose the ability to speak for an entire period because he was so stunned. Can’t wait to take you out for a drink @KingfisherPub next time you all are in NYC.
→ @Svetlana: @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer thank you for loving my Ilyusha so deeply. He deserves the world and you have given him the family and a home he has always deserved.
→ Leah_Campbell ✅: @max_riley, that explains what we saw at camp this summer. I told you I saw them making out in the equipment room. (Congrats guys, we should get dinner the next time we are in town.)
→ → @price_ryan: yes I learned this summer to always knock on every single closed door. they are a walking workplace hr violation. at least now we can all commiserate together @hayd_pike @WyattHayes @BoodBoodBood @DICKstra
→ @EmptyNettersPodcast ✅: Funnily enough, @DanPowers was right, @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer probably did want to play with @ilyarozanov, just for more reasons than we thought! Congrats on the great game boys! And even more congrats on your marriage!

→ @24hollanov81: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CRACK HOCKEY SHIP IS CANON?!
→ → @24hollanov81: i feel crazy. did i really just see my two favorite players kiss on ice wearing matching jerseys before playing a stunning game of hockey????? then open this app to see it confirmed on main?????
→ → @shane4ilya: if you are crazy i think we are all trapped in the same delusion. happily so. I never want to leave this place.

→ @gay_cens_fan: Do I believe in love again? Did these boys melt my cold gay heart?

→ @voyaguers_fan: Who cares? I don’t care who you kiss, but keep that shit off the ice and focus on the game.
→ → @gay_cens_fan: did we watch the same game? My gay ass team just humiliated your unfocused homophobic team.

→ @shilya_hollanov: UMMM I HAVE QUESTIONS
→ → @24hollanov81: ME TOO
→ → → @shane4ilya: ME THREE

→ @cens_cens_cens: The most chaotic and perfect coming out aside, that was a spectacular game of hockey. I can FUCKING TASTE the cup this year.
→ → @gay_cens_fan: We are going to get the cup this year on the power of friendship and queer joy alone. We deserve this after YEARS in the TRENCHES.
→ → @cens_cens_cens: amen! the queer dynasty starts TODAY.

→ @hollander_fan: is anyone else confused af? like when did all this start? some of these pictures are from before their rookie season. there’s no way they have been together since then? right? right? right? mom come get me im scared.
→ → @rozanovscurls: who fucking knows. i feel like that statement was deliberately unclear on that point.
→ → @freckles_hockey: honestly them announcing they were friends in 2019 blew my mind. if they have been friends or anything else for longer than that i will need to reassess my understanding of the world.
→ → @24hollanov81: WHAT IF THEY’VE BEEN FUCKING THE WHOLE TIME? 🧐
→ → → @hollander_fan: 🤯🤡🫠me rn.
→ → → @freckles_hockey: i’ve got the red string out and am ready to go full conspiracy theorist.

→ @former_voysfan: @Montreal_Voyageurs & @NHL are suspiciously quiet rn.
→ → @former_voysfan: what if this is why shane left??
→ → @puck_boy24: its not looking good for them. we’ve known that that room had problems for years. it would track.
→ → @voy_voy_voy: FUCK, im gonna have to change my username. taking suggestions now.
→ → → @former_voysfan: fuckmontreal, montrealsucks, voy_voy_goawayhomophobes
→ → → → @voy_voy_voy: that last one is perfect. thanks

After a brief but raucous celebration in the locker room after the game, Harris pulled Ilya and Shane for media. He did give them one last chance to back out, but Shane was having far too much fun to stop now. He had checked his phone briefly and saw that his mentions were blowing up and he had a flood of texts from folks around the league in support.

They quickly changed out of their skates, and threw on team hoodies and sweats after stripping out of their sweaty gear. Holding hands they made their way to the Cens media room. The noise in the room swelled as they came in and it took Harris a second to quiet the room enough for questions to be asked. They sat down, and put their clasped hands on top of the table, both their wedding rings on full display, Ilya's on his right, Shane's on his left. He nodded at them and they dove in, nodding at a reporter in the front row.

“Shane, Ilya, it appears that you both made the choice to come out as queer and as spouses during this game, with your jerseys and the post on your instagrams that was posted during the third. What made you decide to come out now and in this way?”

Shane tapped his foot against Ilya’s and squeezed the hand that he was holding on top of the table, indicating he would take this one. “Well, after moving teams this year and getting married during the off season, we wanted to start the season off on the right foot. With a win and being our most authentic selves.”

“Was Shane’s idea, to do hard launch.” Ilya added. “No room for misunderstanding. We wanted our first official win to be as husbands in front of the world.”

“When was the wedding?” someone interjected from the back.

“August 5th. At our home in Ottawa.”

“One of the pictures of the wedding in your post shows some of your team, did your team and the organization know about you and your plan to come out in this way.” Another reporter asked.

“Yes, we told the team back in May about us, and after Shane signed, told the front office. I knew everyone would be supportive since coaches, GM, and owners knew about me being bisexual already.” Ilya answered.

“The team as a whole basically gave us free rein to come out in the way we felt comfortable. They have been nothing but supportive and welcoming to me and us.” Shane felt it was important to note.

One of Shane’s least favorite reporters from his time in Montreal had traveled for this game and he raised his hand. Ilya gave him a sidelong look, shrugging, indicating they might as well get it over with.

“Obviously now that you are on the same team, this isn’t a worry, but how did your play against each other change as your relationship changed? How did you keep your personal relationship off the ice?” The implication that they didn’t keep their relationship off the ice was an annoyingly predictable nuisance. Luckily, Farah and Yuna had prepared Shane for this.

“Over the last ten years, Ilya and I have always played some of our best hockey against each other, scoring more on average against each other’s teams than other opponents.” Shane rattled off, “We are both incredibly competitive and the only change we have had to make is that now that we are on the same team we have to find other ways to compete against each other.”

“There are some people saying that your play changed last year when you got together.” The asshole kept pushing.

Shane rolled his eyes and responded, “If you are going to look for a change in our play that can be attributed to our relationship you will have to look further back than last year. Obviously we both have had games where we played poorly against each other, or our teams couldn’t keep up with us, but that is no different than any other player in the league.”

“Well, how do you know that your play hasn’t been affected by your relationship? You may not even be aware of it.” Another idiot chimed in.

Shane scoffed. “I welcome you all to let me know when you think things changed, I guarantee that you will be wrong. Competing against each other has always been a cornerstone of our relationship. I hate losing to him, and if I knew he let me win at anything I would divorce him.”

“Is not hard to understand. Was foreplay, Shane is very hot when he is angry after a loss and hard to resist when he is smug after a win.” Ilya was clearly losing patience with this line of questioning. Shane decided to kill it once and for all now that Ilya had said something borderline inappropriate for this venue.

“Ilya and I have not played a single game in this league without being involved romantically in some way. It took us a long time to figure it out between the two of us, and even more time to feel comfortable and safe enough to tell the world, but I have loved this man for my entire career, even when I wasn’t able to admit it to myself.”

You could hear a pin drop in the room.

“Is same for me. I have probably loved him since I first saw his freckles outside a rink in Saskatchewan. Just had to convince my stubborn brain to listen to my heart.”

“The whole ti…” The original asshole breathed out in disbelief.

“The whole time. So you see, it will be hard to figure out when things definitively changed. You will have to go back to our junior careers. I don’t even know if that footage exists, but my mom should have some old home movies she could dig out of storage if you want.”

“Any more questions?” Ilya’s tone was snarky, his annoyance bleeding through.

One of the local sports reporters raised her hand, she had also covered the Game Changers camps the last two years. Ilya indicated she could ask her question.

“Shane, you mentioned it took you some time to feel safe and comfortable to tell the world. If you don’t mind, could you share a bit more about that? Ilya I would also love to hear your perspective as well.”

“Of course. Thanks for the question. There were a number of factors that made it scary to come out. Originally, when we finally accepted that our relationship was serious, we planned to keep it a secret until we retired. At the time everything seemed insurmountable for us. And I think I can speak for Ilya to say that he was ready to come out before me.”

“Yes, once I realized I would not ever return to Russia, and I was safe in Canada with Shane and his parents, on a team that was supportive, I thought maybe we could change the plan. I did not realize that Shane did not feel the same.”

“I definitely struggled more than Ilya in many ways. I definitely worried about questions about our integrity and career accomplishments,” both he and Ilya shot quick glares to the two reporters that had just asked those questions, before he continued, “but I was more scared of the thing that I know many queer athletes worry about, the pervasive and insidious culture of homophobia, as well as racism and sexism, in this sport. Even with Scott Hunter coming out in 2017, I knew instinctively that not every locker room was guaranteed to be safe for me and Ilya. There is a lot of work that needs to be done by the league and team owners before the NHL is truly an accepting place for players like me and Ilya. That is part of why we started our foundation and hockey camps, to promote a culture of inclusion, diversity, and acceptance in the next generation of hockey players.”

“Shane, are you saying that Montreal was not accepting of your identity? Is that why you left?”

“It wasn’t just one thing that made me leave. Despite the fact that I thought I would retire on the same team that drafted me, last year I had the opportunity to think about what team I wanted to play my best years of hockey for and which team I wanted to build my legacy with. I am happy I have landed on a team that shares my values, and getting to play with Ilya is just a bonus. I am excited to play more games like we did tonight.”

“Speaking of tonight. Your first hat trick for your hometown team, how does that feel?” One of the ESPN guys took the bait and turned the conversation back to hockey.

“It felt amazing. I watched my first NHL game in this arena and it felt like coming home tonight. I have been happy with how quickly I have learned Wiebe’s systems, though watching Ilya over the last few years definitely helped. I felt like our offense really clicked, and having Wyatt in the net and such a solid defensive core makes it really easy to focus on the offensive side of the ice.”

“Ilya, did you teach Shane the “Rozanov”?” Shane could kiss the reporter that asked this question, knowing it would piss Ilya off.

“No! Hollander is a dirty, dirty thief. I did not teach him anything, he must have spied on me. I am very annoyed. Sharing this was not in our vows. Is a violation of my trust!” Ilya groused dramatically.

“Yes, spying, otherwise known as watching tape of you doing it and figuring out how to replicate it. Also that is Hollander-Rozanov to you. You’re just mad I got the first hat trick of the season.”

“I got more points tonight,” Ilya grumbled petulant.

“You better watch out, I am coming for both the Rocket and the Art Ross this year моя любовь (moya lyubov')[my love].” Shane continued to egg him on, smiling widely.

“You wish!” Ilya squeezed Shane’s hand and then leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “You are still only the second best hockey player. Is ok, I can teach you more tricks so you have a chance to catch me.”

“Well, now that we are on the same team, I will always have more Cups than you.”

“Not if you retire first!”

“Not happening, you will just have to settle for being the husband of the best hockey player in the league. That will be your legacy. Mine will be being the best, married to the second best!” Shane gloated.

Chapter End Notes

Just the epilogue to go! Thanks for coming on this wild ride with me. :)

Chapter 14: Epilogue

Chapter Summary

We get a glimpse of how Shane and Ilya’s first season as husbands plays out.

Chapter Notes

Ahhhhh I can’t believe it’s finally over!!! Thanks so much for reading!!!

Montreal tried to make some noise about Shane’s comments after that first game, trying to accuse him of cheating or trade interference, even going so far as getting the NHL Commissioner, Crowell, a well-known conservative asshole, to attempt to intervene. He basically demanded that Shane and Ilya be benched, to which the “Sibs” happily responded with the equivalent of a corporate middle finger. Farah, Yuna, and the Cen’s lawyer, Sarah, requested a meeting in return with the league and Montreal to sort everything out.

Crowell tried to intimidate the three women that walked into his office, Montreal’s front office looking smug as he blustered his way through his demands. The smug looks vanished from their faces as Sarah took out the dossier Shane, Yuna, and Farah had compiled over the last season with timelines, play stats, meeting records, and social media metrics. She informed them that based on everything she had seen Shane had every reason to file a discrimination lawsuit against his former team, that he was likely to win. They were welcome to keep trying to slander her clients, however, they should know that it would likely aid in proving intent in any case that was brought.

The old-fashioned group of white, wealthy men tried to argue that much of this evidence was circumstantial, and so Sarah pulled out her trump card, playing the recording of Shane coming out to Montreal’s management. The three women looked at the ashen faces of every man in the room, including the panicked faces on Crowell and Montreal’s lawyers as they listened, clearly unprepared for their despicable behavior to be thrown back in their face in such an admissible way. She nodded at Yuna and Farah who laid out their demands, for the league to refrain from interference with Shane, Ilya, and the Cens, an order for Montreal to cease and desist in their libel against Shane and Ilya, and an external review of inclusion and diversity practices of the league which would be overseen by former and current players as well as relevant non-profit organizations for safety in sport for people of all identities.

The dumbfounded room could do nothing but agree to their demands. They stood and turned to leave, before Yuna turned back around, pulled her phone out of her pocket, and showed the room the screen, which clearly showed a live audio recording in progress. Before stopping the recording, she nonchalantly told them that she would be watching their behavior, and if anyone tried to do anything to harm her sons she would make this meeting look like a friendly get together between friends. She grinned, with the ferocity of a mother that would do anything to protect her kids, thoroughly enjoying the looks of abject fear on the men who had made her son feel so unsafe, before she turned on her heel and walked from the room.

—

After that historic first game, the season proceeded fairly normally. Of course, there was a lot of scrutiny on the two of them and the team, but Shane felt that it was only slightly more than they would have gotten if they hadn’t come out. It was just that now whenever the team had a slight slump or a bad game, the media could point to their romantic relationship, rather than their rivalry as the cause. Neither would have been accurate, it was a long season, and while the team was talented, it was young, fairly untested, and still building chemistry. Losses were expected. They just needed to learn from them.

One of the biggest challenges was figuring out the balance between two stars on the team. This was not something Shane and Ilya had ever dealt with, always being the biggest name on their teams up until this point and it took a bit for them and the coaches to figure out how to use their star power synergistically rather than having the spotlight oscillate between them. Once they figured it out though, teams struggled to keep pace, as their first two lines were a one-two punch of power and speed that was hard to counter. One line would wear them down, the other would strike. Then on the power play, or the times that they needed to bring the hammer down, Ilya would line up on Shane’s wing and they would demoralize teams. They had one of the best power play efficiencies in the league, which made it a simple task to beat the more homophobic teams as they tended to draw the most penalties against those teams.

Shane felt like the season raced by, but in a good way. He felt so fulfilled and supported. He loved going to work everyday, and it was absolute bliss to go home with Ilya every night. The team had quickly cemented themselves as some of the most important people in his life. Outside of Hayden and maybe J.J., he had never felt close to anyone on his previous teams. Now, he felt like he could trust each of these men with his life and genuinely liked each of them. He quickly bonded with Wyatt, both of them more naturally quiet, with Bood and Dykstra, who loved to wind Ilya up with him, and with Troy, the two of them implicitly understanding the precious gift this team and each other were.

He stood next to Troy when he decided to come out to the team and then the world, proud that he and Ilya, and Scott before them, had opened this door. While the world was shocked, the locker room was not. They had all seen how Troy and Harris had been looking at each other and they were all thrilled they could stop trying to set them up on nights out. They all relished in the jokes about the Cens being the gayest team in the league and wore it like a badge of honor whenever they were asked.

As playoffs approached, Shane expected to feel his normal wave of nerves and the weight of expectation that had always plagued him at this time of the year. Some of that was there, deep down, but the prevailing feeling was just anticipation and hunger. This team was ready. He and Ilya were ready. It wouldn’t be easy, but they could do it.

Two months later, he proved himself right as he watched Ilya lift the Cup over his head, eyes never leaving Shane’s, mouthing “Я люблю тебя(Ya lyublyu tebya) [I love you]”.

Shane felt Bood urge him to take the cup, even though by rights, Bood should have been next. He smiled gratefully at his friend, before skating over, stretching up to kiss Ilya as he took the Cup from him. “I love you too, so much.”

He handed the Cup off to Bood, and skated back to Ilya and put his arm around Ilya’s waist as they watched the rest of the team celebrate.
“This is only the beginning of the life I want to build with you, Ilya. Thank you for loving me so loudly and helping me be brave enough to seize this with both hands.”

“You are brave all on your own, дорогой(dorogoy)[sweetheart], I am so glad I could win this with you, for us, for our team. Is better than anything I could have imagined.”

“We won, and it’s only the start of everything we are capable of, we have so much to show the world about who we are. I can’t wait.”

Chapter End Notes

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