Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories:

Gen, M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Victor St. Simon, Ryan Carmichael, Connors (Heated Rivalry), Brad Hammersmith, Sebbin (Heated Rivalry), Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble (Game Changers)

Additional Tags:

Good Friend Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Supportive Boston Bears | Boston Raiders (Game Changers), Texting Fic, Episode: s01e04 Rose (Heated Rivalry), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Secret Relationship, Dumb Hockey Boys, casual misogyny sexism and queerphobia inherent to professional sports culture, getting on the allyship but sailing to the wrong port, Relationship Reveal, (but not the one you are thinking of), Ilya Rozanov's Montreal Jane, (finally the one you are thinking of), Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Crack, Happy Ending

Language:

English

Series:

Part 1 of The Best Boston Bears Bros

Stats:

Published: 2026-06-28 Completed: 2026-07-20 Words: 14,689 Chapters: 6/6

O Lady Jane, Where Art Thou?

Summary

Marly: hes head was not in the game that night for sure

CC: maybe he played like trash and she dumped him?
CC: shes got to be a hockey fan
CC: cant imagine cap dating someone who doesnt like hockey

Marly: nah he was in a mood that day before the game

St. Vicky: so what you think she dumped him just before the game?
St. Vicky: bro thats brutal

Hammer: maybe shes a voyageur sleeper agent

---

The Boston Bears band together to find Montreal Jane and win her back for their beloved Captain. They are dumb but their love is pure.

Loosely inspired by Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead with the same amount of crack but without any of the literary merit. Set post-Tuna Meltdown.

Notes

Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

Loosely inspired by Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (sort of). Not beta’d; I’m writing this on the fly.

Brad Hammersmith - Hammer
Cliff Marlow - Marly
Ryan Carmichael - Carmy
Victor St-Simon - St. Vicky
Connor Connors - CC
(Tanner) Sebbin - Sebby

Best Boston Bros No Cap

Marly: listen up
Marly: your A is speaking
Marly: theres an important task for yall dumbasses

Hammer: are you sure we should be talking about this here
Hammer: without cap

Carmy: like we are doing this behind his back
Carmy: hes gonna find out

St. Vicky: the betrayal!

Carmy: he’ll be pissed
Carmy: and make us bag skate until we puke

Sebby: How is that different from what’s already happening now?

Carmy: shutup rookie

Sebby: Literally this is my second year on the team…

Carmy: wtv we make the rules so you are still a rookie

Sebby: 🙄

Marly: we are getting offtopic here
Marly: focus guys if we ever want to solve the montreal jane mystery
Marly: this whatever thing roz is doing cant go on any longer

Carmy: the insane practices
Carmy: look, i signed up for the MLH draft not the army draft

CC: the mood swings
CC: the moping
CC: the sad russians dont cry faces

St. Vicky: we are doing this because we love him

CC and Carmy liked this message.

Marly: yah!

Hammer: yah!

Sebby: Sure we love Cap but I’m still confused what we are trying to accomplish here.

St. Vicky: but not like in a i want to date him way
St. Vicky: we love roz like a plant, plantly
St. Vicky: obviously his love belongs to montreal jane

Sebby: You mean platonically?
Sebby: Or we could just MIND OUR OWN BUSINESS?
Sebby: Like normal people?

Marly: its too late for that weve passed the point of no return
Marly: you scared rookie

Sebby: 🖕
Sebby: 😑

Marly: think about all the things roz has done for the team for us
Marly: he went with me to visit my nana when she was dying of cancer every fcking week when we were home

Sebby, St. Vicky, CC, Carmy, and Hammer loved this message.

Carmy: remember the time roz hired a personal chef and had us all over his place
Carmy: it was because i missed the food my ma used to make and having all of my siblings and cousins and uncles and aunts over
Carmy: and our schedule was back to back for a stretch
Carmy: anyway he somehow remembered every dish i ever mentioned

CC: dude he never said anything
CC: carmy why didnt you say anything

Carmy: what you would cook for me
Carmy: i dont wanna die yet

CC: fuck off

Carmy: plus i dont know for sure ok?
Carmy: its not like i talked to roz about it before or after
Carmy: he just did what he did

St. Vicky: we also got blind drunk
St. Vicky: on some good whisky bourbon shit

Carmy: you lot cant tell paint thinner from the good stuff
Carmy: i should have told cap to not spring for the nice shit on you dumbasses

Hammer: michelle from performance and sports sciences was soooooo pissed
Hammer: i thought she was not going to let us eat or drink anything other than pasta with chicken breast and green smoothies until the playoffs

St. Vicky: well worth it

Carmy, CC, Hammer, and Marly liked this message.

Sebby: Look I get it.
Sebby: I’m living my dream life because of him.
Sebby: BUT
Sebby: Cap is obviously very protective about his… Jane.
Sebby: I just feel we are violating his trust if we go behind his back to figure out her identity.
Sebby: That Cap wishes to remain hidden from everyone I might add.

Hammer: sure
Hammer: but hes also really really fcked up about whatever happened

CC: its our duty as teammates and friends to find jane

St. Vicky: and ask for forgiveness
St. Vicky: its probably caps fault right

Hammer: probably

CC: definitely

Carmy: we are not above begging
Carmy: she has to take him back

St. Vicky, hammer, CC, Marly liked this message.

Sebby: And if she doesn’t want to?

St. Vicky: we wear her down
St. Vicky: with our charm of course

Hammer: and our good looks

CC: well we better cover your ugly mug with something first

Hammer: 🖕

Marly: focus!
Marly: we cant do any of that if we cant find her
Marly: ok lets recap what we know about montreal jane

St. Vicky: cap sees her every time we are in montreal
St. Vicky: ive seen him text her about meeting up when we are there

Marly: yah i think most of us have seen that
Marly: thats why shes montreal jane

Carmy: but like when roz crashed out
Carmy: it was when we last played montreal at home right
Carmy: roz skipped optional skate the day before

St. Vicky: which means jane was possibly visiting him?
St. Vicky: or roz finally tried to invite her to a game and somehow fumbled?

Marly: hes head was not in the game that night for sure

CC: maybe he played like trash and she dumped him?
CC: shes got to be a hockey fan
CC: cant imagine cap dating someone who doesnt like hockey

Marly: nah he was in a mood that day before the game

St. Vicky: so what you think she dumped him just before the game?
St. Vicky: bro thats brutal

Hammer: maybe shes a voyageur sleeper agent

Carmy: 🤔
Carmy: well…

Marly: wtf hammer
Marly: thats the stupidest thing ive heard all week and i work with you idiots

CC: hey hey hold on check this out

CC shared a link.

Marly: what am i looking at who is this

CC: shes an influencer based in montreal
CC: my sister likes her
CC: shes like her best friends cousin or something and she travels a lot to film about fashion and makeup and bags and shit
CC: i dunno like i said my sister likes her and follows her insta
CC: but like she comes to the states sometimes you know
CC: mostly nyc but boston is close enough right

Carmy: uh huh nice try dude your sister likes her

CC: wtv i have eyes
CC: shes hot enough for roz
CC: weve all seen the other chicks cap leaves clubs with right
CC: would he ever date anyone not hot???

Marly: fair enough

Hammer: nice rack

Marly: omg wtf hammer
Marly: that is someones sister or daughter you moron
Marly: do i need to come over and punch you

Hammer: i thought we just agreed that roz would never date someone not hot

Marly: so not the point
Marly: for the love of lord stanley never say that to a girl or in public
Marly: if you ever want to get laid or dont want a drink poured on you
Marly: you know what dont ever say that ever

Hammer: but i can tell her shes hot?

Marly: hammy we will need to workshop your pickup lines
Marly: and maybe your entire personality
Marly: but lets focus on the task on hand

Sebby: Dude her name’s not even Jane.
Sebby: It’s Janie.
Sebby: There’s an entire extra “I” in there.

Carmy: well roz’s been texting this girl since his rookie season
Carmy: maybe he just misspelled her name the first time and never fixed it
Carmy: like remember how cap’s english wasnt great when he first started

St. Vicky: legit
St. Vicky: but wound’t he fix it after
St. Vicky: i dont think any girls gonna be happy if the guy they are hooking up with gets their name wrong like all the time

Carmy: maybe thats why she dumped him

St. Vicky: years later???

Sebby: And she’s 20.
Sebby: Right now.
Sebby: I don’t think Cap’s been “texting” her since his rookie season.

Hammer: bro!!!

Marly: not now hammy

St. Vicky: wtf hammer
St. Vicky: do we need to put you back on concussion protocol

Carmy: i think we are forgetting someone important here
Carmy: are we sure jane is not just code for ms vetrova

CC: i mean…
CC: shes hot
CC: her… you know… upper body
CC: and her lower body…
CC: i can say legs right thats not offensive

Marly: connor i swear to god
Marly: i cant believe im friends with idiots

St. Vicky: yes i think that says a lot about you

Marly: if roz hears you say that about svetlana he will kill you
Marly: apparently theyve been friends since forever and i guess he pretty protective of her

CC: and scary dont forget scary
CC: she can probably crush me with her pinkie

St. Vicky, Carmy, Hammer, and Marly liked this message.

St. Vicky: or her father will come back from russia and wipe us all out

CC, Hammer, Carmy, Sebby, and Marly liked this message.

Marly: im pretty sure they are just friends
Marly: maybe very good friends
Marly: friends who um maybe fuck
Marly: but i dont think shes jane

Carmy: yo
Carmy: bro
Carmy: maybe jane found out about ms vetrova and dumped his ass

Sebby: You mean all the years they’ve been hooking up while Cap slept across North America and maybe Europe too?
Sebby: Documented by every hockey tabloid in existence.

Marly: focus guys
Marly: we need to think this through better
Marly: what else do we know

Sebby: Ok, this might not be anything.
Sebby: But I don’t think Cap is sleeping around much anymore.

Hammer: what?!

Marly: ok i think ive noticed that too

CC: no you didnt

Sebby: Like, when I first got called up, I had this idea what the team and Cap was going to be like.
Sebby: The parties, the girls.
Sebby: And I have 3 sisters and my mom had to work really hard to get all of us to where we are now. So… I didn’t know I was going to be comfortable with some of that stuff off ice.

St. Vicky: dude we are not like that

Sebby: I know that now…
Sebby: Anyway, sure, we partied a lot.
Sebby: But one of the first things Cap pulled me aside for just before we went out was to give me a speech on how “no means no, maybe means no, next time means no, drunk means no, no answer means no, I need to go back to my friends means no”.
Sebby: Basically, unless a girl says yes very clearly, it’s a no.
Sebby: Which, yah, I knew that, but it was nice to know that the team is good about that stuff.

Hammer: damn right

Carmy and Marly liked a message.

CC: yup caps pretty serious about that stuff

Sebby: So anyway, Cap’s been trying to wingman me since I started, I guess.

Marly: cuz ur his rookie

Sebby: Sure.
Sebby: Sometimes stick close together when the team goes out.
Sebby: And I know for sure Cap doesn’t leave with nearly as many girls as the media makes it out to be.
Sebby: He mostly just made sure they got in a taxi or Uber to get home safe.
Sebby: And that was last year.
Sebby: He’s all but stopped taking anyone back this year.

Hammer: bro

CC: wtf

Sebby: Now he just dances and tries to find girls for me.

Carmy: you know you r the luckiest rookie right
Carmy: the girls roz pulls

Sebby: Um, I’m not sure that’s what I’m looking for in a relationship either…

Marly: so what?
Marly: you guys just go home?

Sebby: Sometimes?
Sebby: He sends me home because I, um, can’t function without sleep.
Sebby: But he stays with the team.

St. Vicky: how do we not know this

CC: dude

Sebby: He still flirts and sometimes makes out with girls I guess.
Sebby: Maybe he’s leaving with some of them.
Sebby: But for sure now less than last year, and even last year it wasn’t a lot.

Marly: ok ok this is important information
Marly: maybe roz’s been serious about jane for longer than we think
Marly: but how does that get us any closer to finding out who she actually is
Marly: lets sleep on this and regroup tomorrow

Sebby and St. Vicky liked this message.

CC: 👍

Hammer: 🫡

Carmy: 🫡

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

Best Boston Bros No Cap

St. Vicky: ok hear me out
St. Vicky: so roz sees her every time we go to montreal right

Marly: thanks again captain obvious

St. Vicky: wait im not done
St. Vicky: and roz also sees her when we play montreal at home

CC: and shes not a voyageur sleeper agent

St. Vicky: but she could work for their organization
St. Vicky: and thats why roz is so cagey about her
St. Vicky: sleeping with the enemy and all

CC: hang on

Marly: im not sure some chick who works for montreal counts as the enemy

Hammer: that depends on if shes hot

Carmy: nah i think vickys onto something

CC: FOUND HER

St. Vicky: wtf

Carmy: wtf

Hammer: wft

CC shared a link.

CC: here
CC: Jane Devi
CC: shes a PT and travels with the team
CC: thats how she gets to meet up with roz when montreal comes to boston
CC: im a genius

Hammer: u r a dumbass

CC: 🖕

Carmy: her insta is just workout demos and stuff about injury prevention
Carmy: and shes not even in most of them

St. Vicky: i dunno man
St. Vicky: would roz really date a voyageur

CC: well they are for sure not dating now

Marly: maybe thats why he never wants to admit it

Hammer: shes a babe tho

Carmy: sure if ur into that kind of thing
Carmy: look at her muscles

Hammer: well i can be into strong women

Carmy: she looks like she can bench press sebby here

Sebby: Leave me out of this.

Hammer: i mean that can be hot right
Hammer: with the right chick im willing to try handcuffs and shit
Hammer: let her boss me around a bit

CC: …

Carmy: …

Hammer: what u got a problem with that
Hammer: we are all 200 pound hockey players
Hammer: a little spice in the bedroom is not going to turn u gay
Hammer: or are yall scared little pussies

St. Vicky: câlisse
St. Vicky: u are dumber than i thought

Marly: wtf smithy
Marly: we do not use those kind of words
Marly: fuck
Marly: also like thats not how sexuality works

Hammer: sorry bro
Hammer: you know i dont mean it like that

Sebby: Wanting to have sex with a woman is the definition of not gay, dude.

Hammer: ok ok i know
Hammer: im sorry jfc

Marly: like we are totally chill about
Marly: you do you
Marly: right boys

Carmy: yah sure
Carmy: but i dont think shes hot

Marly: you do not need to find all women hot carmy

Carmy: just saying…

St. Vicky: totally cool with hammers poor taste in everything
St. Vicky: and i dont have any opinions on caps girls looks
St. Vicky: just saying whether she is caps girl or not, she doesnt have to sleep with hammer
St. Vicky: there are better men out there

Hammer: fuck u all

Marly: and we dont want to hear more about ur sex life
Marly: that may or may not be real

Hammer: 🖕

St. Vicky: oh shit

Marly: what now vicky

St. Vicky: shes not blonde

Carmy: what do you mean shes not blonde

St. Vicky: like she doesnt have blonde hair

CC: like she doesnt have blonde hair NOW???

St. Vicky: um no…
St. Vicky: like she doesnt have blonde hair EVER
St. Vicky: shes a brunette

Carmy: maybe she had blonde hair a long time ago
Carmy: and shes been going through it recently
Carmy: what with the thing with roz and all
Carmy: so she died her hair dark

St. Vicky: her hair definitely looks naturally brown i think

Sebby: I’m going to have to ask…
Sebby: Why does it matter whether she has blonde or brown hair?

Marly: i mean roz can date someone not blonde

St. Vicky: ok but all the wags are blonde

Marly: jfc but theres no rule about it

Sebby: No woman over the age of 22 is a natural blonde.
Sebby: Unless you’re Scandinavian and have a lot of recessive genes or whatever.

CC: wtf sebs
CC: thats not true

Hammer: where does this even come from

Sebby: I have 3 sisters and a mom.
Sebby: They used to drag me to all of their hair appointments when I was young.

CC: i still dont think thats true

Sebby: 🙄
Sebby: Believe whatever you want man.

Carmy: maybe thats why roz doesnt want to introduce jane to us and the wags
Carmy: like she wont fit in or some shit
Carmy: shes not like the other wags u know
Carmy: my girl says thats important
Carmy: if she wants to be a long term thing

Marly: thats not a real thing carmy

Carmy: wanna bet

Marly: soph and every one of the wags will welcome caps gf
Marly: blonde or not

St. Vicky: carmys got a point
St. Vicky: all ours wags are blonde

Marly: ffs but theres no rules about it

Carmy: maybe she doesnt feel comfortable
Carmy: have u thought about that huh

Marly: then we make her feel comfortable u dumbass
Marly: jfc

Carmy: ill talk to vanessa

Hammer: i mean thats the least we can do
Hammer: for sure we support roz dating someone not blonde

Marly: and make her feel welcome

Carmy, St. Vicky, and CC liked the message.

Sebby: Guys, I hate to break it to you.
Sebby: Jane Devi is not available and will probably never be interested in dating Cap.

Marly: ?

CC: ⁉️

St. Vicky: oh shes already rebounded

Sebby: Not exactly but sure.

St. Vicky: with someone hot

Sebby: I guess you can say that…

St. Vicky: thats brutal man but like a pretty sick burn
St. Vicky: sorry i mean i stand with roz of course

Sebby: Guys we are barking up the wrong tree, so to speak.
Sebby: I found her personal account.
Sebby: She’s married, or at least has a long-term partner.

CC: rozs been hooking up with a married woman?!?!

Carmy: that explains so much…

Marly: i dont think roz would do that…

Hammer: we are not judging

St. Vicky: um i totally judge wtf roz

Sebby: Jane Deviis married to a woman.
Sebby: It looks like they’ve been together for a long time and they seem happy.
Sebby: At least according to their socials
Sebby: I doubt she’s ever had anything to do with Cap.

St. Vicky: stfu

CC: o shit
CC: I mean good for her? but bad for roz

Hammer: bro i thought we nailed it this time
Hammer: o but thats pretty hot

CC: am with u bro

Marly: ffs guys do i need to kick u out

St. Vicky: i guess she was never montreal jane

Carmy: technically her names jane
Carmy: she lives in montreal
Carmy: no one can take that away from her

Marly: 🙄

CC: im just trying to uplift team morale

Carmy: well that sucks

Hammer: i thought u didnt even think she was good enough for roz

Carmy: wat
Carmy: i didnt think she was hot personally
Carmy: but like i would support him if he wanted to date her

Marly: guys…

St. Vicky: ok but i was right about the blonde thing
St. Vicky: so its probably best that shes not involved with roz

Marly: jfc i dunno why i even try

Sebby: This Jane is Asian.
Sebby: I don’t know why you all thought she would be blonde?!

CC: yah ok u got us

Hammer: true

Marly: back to square one

Carmy: montreal jane where art thou

CC: where art thou montreal jane

St. Vicky: i really thought we were onto something
St. Vicky: where art though montreal jane

Sebby: I don’t think this means what you think it means…

Hammer: im confused

Marly: u r always confused smithy

Sebby: Where art though doesn’t mean where are you.

Carmy: yes it does

Sebby: No it doesn’t.

Carmy: i for sure saw it used in a movie

Sebby: Where art though Jane means Why are you Jane.
Sebby: Not where are you Jane.

Hammer: wat
Hammer: why

Sebby: What do you mean why?
Sebby: It just does.
Sebby: I don’t make up the rules of English.

St. Vicky: this is confusing
St. Vicky: i agree with roz english is a stupid language

CC: how do u even know this
CC: non of us know what u r talking about

Sebby: Because I went to college?

Carmy: bullshit we all went to college

St. Vicky: some of us went to college

Marly: on hockey scholarships
Marly: to play hockey

Sebby: Oh yah?
Sebby: I went to an Ivy League.

Hammer: the wrong league bro

Marly: to play hockey
Marly: like the rest of us

Sebby: Fine. I was in a production of Romeo and Juliet in high school.
Sebby: I was failing English and the teacher wouldn’t let me off just because I was there for hockey.
Sebby: Something about the integrity of the long academic history of the school or something.

Hammer: bro that sucks

Sebby: Nah the teacher was actually pretty chill. He let the hockey team skip most of the assignments and tests as long as we participated in the school’s theatre production that year.
Sebby: The performance was on a weekend we didn’t have games.
Sebby: He checked the hockey schedule and everything.

Marly liked the message.

Sebby: Yah and the theater club students helped us with memorizing lines and doing practices and rehearsals.
Sebby: I didn’t mind it really.
Sebby: There were similarities to hockey in a way.
Sebby: Parts and lines you gotta learn and practice, like hockey plays.
Sebby: Ultimately the only thing that mattered was the day you did the show.

Hammer: did the teacher let you pass

Sebby: Yah, I did alright.

Hammer: thats fire bro

Carmy: ive never been in a play

Hammer: no one wants to see ur stupic face in a play

CC: not that kinda play anyway

Sebby: It was pretty fun.
Sebby: Um… I still keep in touch with some of the friends I made.
Sebby: They are like my only non-hockey friends.
Sebby: A couple of them are in Boston so that’s been nice…

St. Vicky: yo smithy
St. Vicky: maybe sebby can introduce you to some of his romeo and juliet friend huh
St. Vicky: they sound smart
St. Vicky: probably can help you learn to use that single brain cell ur not using right now

Hammer: fck u man

Marly: u should invite them to a game sebs
Marly: u know we can get more tickets if we want right
Marly: roz will let you have the good ones that he never uses for sure
Marly: or i can talk to management
Marly: as long as its not a game all the players want to bring family and friends
Marly: even then youll still get tickets may just not as good and you cant bring your whole class or watever
Marly: just lmk

Sebby: Sure, yah, um, thanks.

CC: it still sucks that we arent any closer to figuring out the jane situationship tho

Hammer: we were so close

St. Vicky: we were not close at all

Marly: ok ok we are not getting anywhere today
Marly: lets try again tomorrow

Carmy: u r assuming we will survive the game tonight

CC: and the practice tomorrow

Marly: fuck u all

Hammer: we love u too Marly

Chapter End Notes

Sorry the boyz are really dumb but they are trying. Love you all!

The blonde wag story is Inspired by this video where 3 girls were confused about a hockey player’s girlfriend not being blonde. This is a bit of a running joke. Ma blonde, regardless of hair colour, is the Canadian French word for girlfriend. There are other videos online on this topic if you're interested.

The movie Carmy references to is O brother, where art thou? He watched it once on a flight but didn’t understand a thing.

The Romeo and Juliet line Sebs is referring to is “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”. The high school Sebs alluded to is a famous private school in Minnesota that also happens to be famous for hockey.

Marly and Sebby joking about bringing his entire high school class to a game is a reference to when Kimi Antonelli did exactly that last F1 season.

Am I writing Sebs to be a teeny tiny bit queer? Maybe.

Next up: the boyz get warmer but overshoot to Antarctica.

Chapter 3

Chapter Summary

The boyz get warmer and then overshoot directly to Antarctica. Featuring Carmichael coming out as an ally but also a straight boi dumbass.

Chapter Notes

Now is a good time to remind yourself:
- this story was loosely inspired by Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (but without any of the literary merits)
- the casual sexism, misogyny, and queerphobia inherent to (male) sports culture tag is very much accurate; probably ageism just for good measure; I would have added “general douchebagger” as a tag if it weren’t inherently misogynistic
- nothing is real or serious
- (these specific) hockey boyz are dumb but lovable; their hearts are in the right place but perhaps we shouldn’t enable weaponized incompetency IRL

Best Boston Bros (and their better halves)
Brad Hammersmith - Hammer/smithy
Cliff Marlow - Marly (Soph)
Ryan Carmichael - Carmy (Vanessa)
Victor St-Simon - St. Vicky
Connor Connors - CC/conny (Andi)
Tanner Sebbin - Sebby/sebs

Best Boston Bros No Cap

St. Vicky: i dont think we should give up on the montreal idea just yet

Marly: we are literally not
Marly: thats like the only real thing we know about her

St. Vicky: no i mean her working for the voyageurs

CC: theres no one else with the name jane
CC: i checked everything i can find online
CC: ok andi did
CC: shes way better at this sort of thing

Marly: connor!!!

Hammer: bro!

St. Vicky: yo man we swore to secrecy

CC: relax man
CC: i didnt tell her nothing

Marly: so what did u tell her to get her to look for a girl in fucking montreal for u

CC: dude i would never
CC: look im not stupid

Carmy: um most people disagree

CC: fuck u carmy
CC: i told her one of the rookies met a girl there last time we played the voyageurs
CC: thought she worked for the team
CC: wants to look for her next time we are there and maybe get her number

St. Vicky: and she believed your dumbass story

CC: yah i can be convincing

Carmy: we are not convinced

Marly: wat she just believed u without asking questions

CC: well she did want to know whos looking for this Jane girl

Marly: and wat u say

CC: sebbys the dumbass who lost his girl

Sebby: FUCK U CONNOR!

CC: bro u need to take one for the team
CC: as the rookie

Sebby: I am NOT a rookie.

CC: anyway andi bought the whole thing
CC: be great full sebs
CC: andi says good luck and when u get ur girl she will ask soph to add her to the wag group chat

Marly: or sebs can ask me or ask soph himself
Marly: u know u can just ask soph right
Marly: she be happy to help u add ur girl

Sebby: For fuck’s sake guys.
Sebby: I don’t have a girlfriend.
Sebby: Nor am I interested in a girl named Jane.

Marly: right…

St. Vicky: 🤦🏽

CC: anyway she spent hours looking
CC: theres a jennifer whos the director of fan engagement whatever that means
CC: but shes like in her 50s with 3 kids
CC: and thats it
CC: no one else with a similar name

Hammer: well i mean is she single?

Marly: wtf hammer

Carmy: i thought we decided we werent gonna judge

St. Vicky: we are absolutely judging
St. Vicky: why would roz want to fuck someone old enough to be his mom

Hammer: nah id bang a hot milf
Hammer: that mom on the reality show
Hammer: shes got like grandkids and shes still a babe
Hammer: show us a picture of jennifer conny and ill let u know

CC: why the fuck would i want to know hammer
CC: i dont want to know

Hammer: if shes not with someone i dont see why she cant be having fun

Marly: shutup smithy no one wants to bang u

St. Vicky: roz hates old people
St. Vicky: he chirps hunter about it every time we play them

Marly: roz doesnt hate old people
Marly: he loves my parents
Marly: and my nana before she passed away

St. Vicky: sry cliff i didnt mean it that way
St. Vicky: i meant roz doesnt want to fuck old people

Carmy: maybe he just doesnt want to fuck scott hunter
Carmy: because hes a… you know… dino

Marly: or maybe he just doesnt want to fuck a man because scott fucking hunter is a man
Marly: roz is not gay
Marly: or have yall forgot all the girls roz pulls

CC: absolutely legendary man

Marly: so wtaf bro r u all stupid

Hammer: yah ok you got a good point

Carmy: but like if he wanted to… fuck a man that is
Carmy: are we just cool about it

Marly: why r we talking about this
Marly: roz doesnt want to fuck men because hes been crashing out about a girl dumping his ass
Marly: jfc i cant even u guys

Carmy: i think we should be cool about it
Carmy: love is love u know
Carmy: vanessa reads a lot of romance novels right
Carmy: but like sometimes its a guy and a guy instead of a guy and a girl
Carmy: and she tells me the hardship and shit they have to face and society not accepting them
Carmy: so like i support cap whoever he wants to love

St. Vicky: nope

Carmy: fuck u vicky take that back

St. Vicky: im not gonna support him if he fcks some 18 year old chick
St. Vicky: thats like… weird

Hammer: legal

St. Vicky: still weird…and wrong

Carmy: why

Hammer: roz is 25
Hammer: so like the half your age plus whatever rule is followed right

Carmy: plus 7

CC: i mean we all used to right

St. Vicky: when we were also young bro
St. Vicky: its not weird when ur about the same age
St. Vicky: r u gonna do that now wtf

Carmy: why tf would i do that now
Carmy: im married

St. Vicky: i meant if u werent married u dumbass
St. Vicky: nvm would u want some 25 year old hockey player whos been around the block a few times to fuck ur 18 year old sister

Carmy: i will brake his nose

St. Vicky: there u go

Carmy: ok fair

Hammer: fair

Carmy: but IF roz was dating someone way younger
Carmy: OR way older
Carmy: thats why hes been hiding it right

St. Vicky: roz wouldnt date someone why younger

Marly: recap: roz has been hooking up with her since maybe 2011

St. Vicky: so not way younger no fucking way roz would do that

Carmy, Hammer, and CC liked the message.

Carmy: what about way older

Sebby: I’ve definitely seen Cap flirt with women older than him.
Sebby: Not a lot older, at least no one who could be his mom…
Sebby: Anyway, I don’t think he would hide it.

Marly: i agree with the rookie here
Marly: we are getting way cold

CC: ok ok
CC: what if roz is secretly dating one of jennifers daughters
CC: thats possible right
CC: theres still the voyageurs things so he might hide it

Carmy: i dunno thats like too many degrees of separation
Carmy: serious no one would care

St. Vicky: how old are they

CC: who

St. Vicky: jennifers daughters
St. Vicky: fucking keep up CC jesus

CC: how should i know

St. Vicky: i dunno no maybe because u were the one stalking jennifers socials

CC: i didnt stalk her socials
CC: andi did

Marly: for fucks sake
Marly: roz is not dating some random ladys daughter

Carmy: well janes gotta be someones daughter
Carmy: assuming she didnt just… appear out of thin air or sth

Marly: 🤦🏼‍♂️ why do i bother
Marly: we need to FOCUS
Marly: if we ever want to figure who jane is

Carmy: hm…

Marly: what now

Carmy: hang on im thinking

CC: thats dangerous

Carmy: 🖕
Carmy: let me finish man
Carmy: we had to talk through ur stupid ideas connor

Marly: anyone with a better idea
Marly: no?
Marly: let carmy talk then
Marly: or type wtv

Carmy: so im looking through montreals official team page

CC: yo i thought yall think my idea was stupid

Carmy: im just checking all the angles ok
Carmy: her being there when boston plays montreal is still the only real clue weve got

Hammer: im with carmy on this one
Hammer: someone told me that most people meet their spouses at work

CC: that doesnt sound right
CC: most people well most young people meet people when they go out
CC: like bars and clubs

Sebby: I think they meant for non-professional athletes.
Sebby: How normal people meet romantic interests.
Sebby: At work or introduced by friends.
Sebby: That’s how one of my sisters met her husband.

Carmy: SO I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MONTREALS TEAM PAGE
Carmy: maybe we missed something
Carmy: jane could be a ice girl
Carmy: thats like looked down on by management right and she could lose her job maybe why hes been hiding

Marly: tf carmy did u miss the media training session on this
Marly: we shouldnt say that anymore

Carmy: im not saying this to the press or whatever

Marly: just stop saying it

Carmy: fine

CC: ice girls dont travel with the team u dumbass

Carmy: I KNOW THAT
Carmy: Im getting to the important part

CC: well get there faster before we all get lost

St. Vicky: we are already lost

Marly: ice crew just say ice crew

CC: 🫡

Carmy: anyway
Carmy: i want yall to leave judgement out of this ok
Carmy: keep ur mind open or wtv
Carmy: dont you dare say anything vicky

St. Vicky: i havnt said no nothing

Carmy: i know u want to

St. Vicky: 🖕
St. Vicky: i cant pretend im ok with everything
St. Vicky: even for cap

Carmy: its nothing actually … bad um like hooking up with a married woman
Carmy: or those fuckers in toronto who dont know what consent is even if it punches them in the face and takes out a tooth
Carmy: just remember roz loves us loves this team and we love him back ok

Marly: do i need to be worried

Hammer: im worried

CC: ive been terrified since carmy started thinking

St. Vicky: sure

Carmy: keep a open mind

Sebby: Some of your minds are so open your brains are falling out.

Hammer: i dont know that means

Marly: wtf sebs thats disgusting

Sebby: Nevermind don’t worry about it.
Sebby: It’s just a saying.

Carmy: ive never heard of it

Sebby: Oh my God I love Cap as much as everyone here alright?

Carmy: ok
Carmy: open mind
Carmy: you know whos got a j name in montreal and is always there when they play boston
Carmy: JJ

CC: who

Carmy: boiziau

Hammer: oh
Hammer: huh

CC: jj doesnt sound like jane

Carmy: what does jj stand for

CC: no idea

St. Vicky: hes quebecois
St. Vicky: so probably jean jacques or jacques jean

Marly: wikipedia says its jean jacques

Carmy: SEE!!!!!

Hammer: i dont see it

CC: what r we supposed to see

Sebby: Well, if you rearrange the letters of Jean you get Jane.

Carmy: thank you sebby!
Carmy: finally someone with some brain cells left

Hammer: rookies not had as many concussions

Sebby: Still not a rookie…

St. Vicky: the french name for jane is jeanne
St. Vicky: so…

Hammer: huh

CC: ok…
CC: i mean

Marly: think very carefully before u say anything

CC: wasnt gonna say anything
CC: im still processing

Carmy: think about it
Carmy: the whole secrecy thing
Carmy: always hiding his phone when jane txts
Carmy: never talks about her

St. Vicky: he used to deny jane existed

CC: technically…

Marly: when vicky and i have both seen her name pop up on rozs phone

CC: his name?
CC: should we use he/his/him now

Marly: no
Marly: i mean this is a pretty big deal
Marly: lets um not jump to anything we dont know for sure whats true yet

CC: yah true

Sebby: The league… and hockey…
Sebby: Can’t imagine the media shitshow if anyone ever finds out…

Marly: fck

Carmy: boiziau knows hockey

CC: no shit
CC: boiziau is a hockey player

Hammer: so true tho cant see roz with someone who doesnt know hockey for years

Carmy: and i hate to say it
Carmy: but hes pretty good at hockey

St. Vicky: hes a top d man on the voyageurs who can also score
St. Vicky: he really good a hockey

Marly: not as good as hollander tho

Carmy: no ones as good as hollander

Marly: except for roz

Carmy: except for roz

St. Vicky: hollanders dating that famous movie star
St. Vicky: from the x squad

Hammer: rose landry
Hammer: shes a babe

Carmy: and shes dating hollander and doesnt know or care who the fuck u are

Hammer: 🖕

Marly: connor and hammer focus
Marly: does boiziau have a girlfriend

Sebby: Not according to his wikipedia page or any of the online sources.
Sebby: He seems to… have a lot of different women with him.

Carmy: so does cap
Carmy: no slut shaming rookie

Sebby: !@#$
Sebby: I’m not!
Sebby: Boiziau just seems really into women.

CC: he can be into roz too
CC: wat u think our cap cant compete with some random girls

Sebby: He’s really into women as recently as this week.

St. Vicky: and roz has been crashing out for the last few weeks
St. Vicky: whats ur point

Hammer: that really sucks

Marly: we have no reason to believe any of this is connected

CC: we are just expecting
CC: spectating
CC: we are just guessing

Sebby: Speculating…

CC: that

Carmy: ok ok but if roz was hung up on boiziau
Carmy: i just want to put it out there that im cool with it
Carmy: nothing changes hes still our captain he still got us the cup

Marly: hes my best friend
Marly: weve been thru stuff together
Marly: nothing changes for me

St. Vicky: hes got our back
St. Vicky: we gotta have his back man
St. Vicky: hes still the best player in the league and our captaine

CC: except for maybe hollander

Marly: stfu connor

CC: sry sry
CC: weve got his back
CC: love him man our cap will always be our cap nothing changes

Sebby: Same.
Sebby: He’ll always have my respect and support.

Hammer: if sucking cock makes u better at hockey im willing to give it a go

Marly: wtaf smithy
Marly: not the time or place

Hammer: just saying
Hammer: we cant get close to hollander when boiziaus around
Hammer: and hes objectively good looking guy

CC: the fck

Hammer: i have eyes bro
Hammer: hes tall too wow wikipedia says hes taller than roz
Hammer: hey do you think they… you know

Marly: do not finish that thought smithy
Marly: and i dont know nothing jfc

CC: no one wants to fuck you hammer
CC: not the ladies and not the gays

Hammer: u think i cant be good a giving head
Hammer: im great at giving head
Hammer: ask any of the girls ive slept with
Hammer: i bet i can learn to suck cock in no time

Marly: stut the fck up hammer

St. Vicky: ok so with all of this what should we do

Carmy: we should make sure roz knows he can trust us
Carmy: like we arent gonna stop being his team and his friends

Sebby: I mean, we don’t technically know anything concrete.
Sebby: But yah, it’d probably be nice to show him we are cool with it if he were to date a man.
Sebby: Or not, we are cool with it either way.

CC: we probably shouldnt use cocksucker or pansy as an insult

Marly: we dont???
Marly: roz makes sure of that
Marly: no cheap insults or chirps we are above that
Marly: thats disrespectful and makes us look stupid like dallas kent
Marly: or did u forget the time roz wacked u for telling that winger from colorado to use a purse to carry his equipment

CC: oh yah
CC: shit

Sebby: Yah, I got the no cheap insults talk from Cap when I got called up.

Carmy: and now we know why

Marly: we dont know shit

St. Vicky: well
St. Vicky: this makes so much sense
St. Vicky: the secret… why he never said anything…
St. Vicky: the whole montreal boston thing BRO!
St. Vicky: we even solved mystery of the name

Marly: alright alright
Marly: thats a lot
Marly: lets take some time to take it all in
Marly: we all still care about cap the same
Marly: we just need more time to process
Marly: and this stays HERE you fuckers
Marly: if i get wind of anything u are dead to me and they wont find the body
Marly: got it

Carmy: 🫡

CC: 🫡

Hammer: 🫡

Sebby: 🫡

St. Vicky: 🫡

Carmy: im way smarter than u connor
Carmy: and i solved the mystery 🕺

Connor: fu

Marly: ok one last thing dont say anything to roz yet
Marly: im going to try having a chat with him soon
Marly: get a lay of the land so to speak

St. Vicky: go right ahead
St. Vicky: im not gonna fight you for the honor of possibly getting ur head bitten off

Carmy: 👍

CC: 👍

Hammer: same

Sebby: 👍

Chapter End Notes

Those fuckers in Toronto is obviously a reference to the FICTIONAL Dallas Kent and his cronies. It pained me to write that as a Leafs fan.

Homophobia/queerphobia is very much alive and celebrated in most male-dominated sports. It’s common to see fans insult a player they don’t like using words like gay or insinuate they might be in a homosexual relationship. We need to do better. If you weren’t a hockey fan before the show, I urge you to join the community and be part of that change.

Next up: Aggressively supportive boston bear bros try to find a new boyfriend for their captain; someone who’s even better than his rival girlfriend Rose Landry.

Chapter 4

Chapter Summary

Aggressively supportive boston bear bros vow to find a new boyfriend for their captain; someone who’s even hotter and better than his biggest rival’s girlfriend, Rose Landry.

Chapter Notes

Best Boston Bros (and their better halves)
Brad Hammersmith - Hammer/smithy
Cliff Marlow - Marly (Soph)
Ryan Carmichael - Carmy (Vanessa)
Victor St-Simon - St. Vicky
Connor Connors - CC/conny (Andi)
Tanner Sebbin - Sebby/sebs

Quebecois translations are at the end.

Best Boston Bros No Cap

CC: is marly gonna be ok

St. Vicky: maybe

Hammer: maybe not

Carmy: glad its not me

CC: maybe we shouldve gone with him to talk to cap
CC: safety in numbers right

Carmy: we shouldve
Carmy: for moral support

Sebby: That’s not safety in numbers.
Sebby: Cap will think we are staging an intervention.

Hammer: we dont think hes doing drugs

Sebby: Not for drugs, Hammer.

St. Vicky: is he drinking too much tho

Hammer: hes always been able to out drink any of us
Hammer: the goat on and off ice

Carmy: hes russian
Carmy: theyre built different

Sebby: He’s going out less with us that’s for sure.
Sebby: I dont’ know if he’s drinking at home alone.

Hammer: bro
Hammer: thats sad

Sebby: Well…

St. Vicky: hes playing like shit

CC: definitely not hungover
CC: dont think hes drinking more
CC: not much more at least
CC: i checked
CC: i mean he IS russian so thats like hard to tell sometimes

St. Vicky: wdym u checked
St. Vicky: did u think he was hungover

CC: hes playing like shit sometimes
CC: and less social, not hanging out with the guys as much
CC: so like i checked

Carmy: how

CC: i talk to him before practice
CC: he talks normal and smells normal

Carmy: wtf does smell normal mean

St. Vicky: do u go around smelling all of us

CC: no you fuckers
CC: u all stink

Hammer: i smell amazing

CC: i just mean he doesnt smell like alcohol
CC: not like hes been drinking recently

Sebby: I have so many questions but I’m not going to ask them.

CC: um…
CC: i might have checked his equipment bag and car too

St. Vicky: wtaf connor

CC: i wanted to be sure!

Carmy: so u thought what
Carmy: snooping around rozs bag and car is a good idea

Marly: wtf am i coming back to

St. Vicky: hey marly your alive

CC: yo marly wasnt sure u were gonna make it

Hammer: im glad roz didnt kill u

Marly: fck u all
Marly: whats with connor snooping around rozs stuff

CC: just checking to make sure he doesnt have small bottles of alcohol stashed somewhere
CC: like if hes really got a problem he might not be able to help it
CC: so i was just checking

Marly: thats insane behavior connor
Marly: if roz ever finds out

CC: he wont if you assholes dont rat me out

St. Vicky: tabarnak

Hammer: we aint gonna snitch on u bro

CC: well its not a crime if i did it because i was acting as a concerned brother
CC: look
CC: I checked and he hasnt been acting or smelling drunk so we all good

Marly: pretty sure thats still a crime
Marly: but fuck
Marly: ok ok thats good
Marly: maybe not good but not as bad as it couldve been

CC: im just saying hes not drunk at work
CC: havent checked his house
CC: but i really think hes mostly just sad and angry

Carmy: o god should we check his house

St. Vicky: he hasnt hosted since… you know

Marly: i went once to make sure hes like not dead and eating and shit
Marly: its a little messier than usual but mostly normal
Marly: i think

Carmy: maybe we need to check his house

Hammer: what if we just show up to his house
Hammer: he has to let us in right

Sebby: Not necessarily…

Marly: ok but lets think this through a bit
Marly: like todays probably not good
Marly: cuz we just talk and is showing up is kinda sus

CC: shit man
CC: marly
CC: how did ur talk with roz go

Marly: ok… i guess

Carmy: so he and jj?

Marly: i dunno man

St. Vicky: what do u mean

CC: did u ask him straight up

Marly: no man im not suicidal

Carmy: so what did u say and what did he say

Marly: i just said me and the boys miss hanging with u
Marly: he said sure lets do chel
Marly: but then didnt commit to a date or time

St. Vicky: thats it???
St. Vicky: thats all u said

Marly: no!
Marly: then i said u know we all got ur back right, we support u no matter what

CC: so what did he say after

Marly: he just said ok and clapped me on the back like after a good practice or whatever

Carmy: u had one job

Hammer: a mission really

Carmy: and u fucked up

Marly: fck u
Marly: u try it go right ahead
Marly: i dare u do better

St. Vicky: 🤦🏽

Marly: but he just looked defeated man
Marly: im telling u

Carmy: what r we gonna do

CC: theres gotta be something better we can try

Hammer: ill get my pride jersey out if thats what itll take
Hammer: post on my socials
Hammer: tell the world we support cap no matter what

Marly: ffs smithy calm down

Sebby: Please don’t do that.
Sebby: That’s the opposite of helpful.
Sebby: That’s like outing someone without their consent.
Sebby: Plus, do we really know what’s going on?

St. Vicky: its pretty clear to me rozs taking getting dumped pretty hard

Carmy: hes not txting jane anymore

Marly: and the one time i joked about it to him he got fcking furious

CC: o yah i remember he said and i quote
CC: theres no jane she is no one she is not real

Carmy: because there is no jane
Carmy: jane is jj
Carmy: and it sure looks like roz wanted more than jjs willing to give

Marly: maybe…

Hammer: u know what i think
Hammer: i think fck jj

CC: yah fuck him man

Hammer: who does he think he is
Hammer: roz is a catch
Hammer: he should be so lucky that the russian sex machine wants a piece of him

CC: ok maybe not say that

Hammer: he must have been very good a giving orgasms in his past life to deserve roz even looking at him

Carmy: now now smithy where the fck is this even coming from hammer

Marly: WTF HAMMER!!!

Hammer: ok alright
Hammer: but im not WRONG
Hammer: what im saying is that roz doesnt need fucking jj
Hammer: jj doesn’t deserve our cap
Hammer: roz can do better

CC: ✊

Camry: ✊

St. Vicky: DAMN RIGHT

Marly: LETS GO
Marly: operation get roz a new boyfriend

CC: operation BFF for roz ✊

Carmy: wha?

Marly: the fuck are u talking about

CC: better fuck friend for roz
CC: clever right

St. Vicky: thats fucking dumb conny

Marly: you r killing me man

Sebby: I hate it.

CC: well you got a better name?

St. Vicky: ffs we dont need no name for this

CC: its better if we have one tho

Marly: how bout we focus on finding the boyfriend

Carmy: has to be better than stupid jj

Hammer: jj is objectively pretty good looking tho

St. Vicky: so we find someone better

CC: obviously

Marly: …
Marly: ok cmon we are open to all suggestions
Marly: what does roz like

Carmy: women

St. Vicky: …

Marly: not helpful carmy

Carmy: weve only seen him pickup girls
Carmy: does anyone know what kind of guys he likes

CC: hockey players?

Hammer: good hockey players

Carmy: only the top players of each team?

St. Vicky: 🤔
St. Vicky: jjs probably the top player on the voyageurs after hollander

CC: true that

Marly: thats like 1 to 2 players from each team right
Marly: about 60 players to choose from thats not bad

St. Vicky: the western conference teams are too far
St. Vicky: i dunno if roz wants a long distance relationship

Hammer: true that

Marly: that makes the selection pool a lot smaller

Hammer: maybe roz would be ok with slightly less good players

Carmy: yah that opens up the pool bit more

CC: yah but not all teams even have players that make the cut
CC: like detroit

Carmy: true that

St. Vicky: or the admirals

Hammer: what bout Vaughn
Hammer: good player and good looking

St. Vicky: and let fcking hunter hold this over him for the rest of his life?
St. Vicky: no way rozs gonna be ok with that

Carmy: sometimes u gotta give a little to get the girl
Carmy: or guy

Hammer: but its not just about being good at hockey right
Hammer: like i have eyes and jjs a good looking fella
Hammer: if we find roz a new boyfriend hes gotta be at least as good looking as jj

Marly: smithy youve said this enough times
Marly: we know how you feel about jjs looks
Marly: just try not making heart eyes at him next time we play montreal
Marly: roz will probably kill u for real

Hammer: fuck you
Hammer: im repeating myself so many times because yall are blind

Marly: i dunno hammer
Marly: most of the league is as ugly as you
Marly: so we have maybe 5 to choose from

Sebby: 🙋

Marly: what sebby

Sebby: There are no gay players in the league.

Marly: why does that matter
Marly: roz and jj are not gay

Sebby: There are no players who are openly open to dating men in the league.

Marly: again why should that matter

Sebby: So how are we supposed to know who might be interested in being Cap’s boyfriend?
Sebby: Please don’t say we are just going to ask them one by one.
Sebby: I wasn’t here when we won the cup.
Sebby: I’m not ready for a career ending injury yet.

CC: shit

Carmy: well…

Hammer: huh didnt think of that

Marly: …

St. Vicky: maybe we expand our search a bit

CC: no way we should let roz date someone from the farm teams
CC: thats like the opposite of getting revenge on jj

Marly: ffs connor dont be racist

CC: pretty sure thats not racism

St. Vicky: fuck u marly
St. Vicky: crisse de câlice de tabarnak, c'est pas possible comment que t'es cave

Hammer: thats homophobia

Marly: ok i dont mean actual racism
Marly: like racism but against people who are not as good as you

St. Vicky: 🤦🏽

Marly: sorry vicks

St. Vicky: why am i friends with idiots

Sebby: Do you mean discrimination?
Sebby: Like that’s discrimination against the players in the minor leagues?

Marly: yes!
Marly: but also i agree
Marly: we need to one up jj so no minor league players pls

Sebby: Ok, sure.
Sebby: You’re also excluding “not good looking” players, so that’s already discrimination all around.

CC: the point is, it has to be someone obviously better than jj is all we are saying

Hammer: amen to that

Sebby: The point is, there are no out players in either the major or the minor hockey leagues.
Sebby: We can’t just go up to players and ask them if they are interested in Roz.
Sebby: You understand that’s insane, right?

Hammer: cmon everyone can be a little bit gay for roz
Hammer: if youre into that sort of thing

Sebby: And yet not everyone is into that sort of thing.
Sebby: For fucks sake, Hammer, you can’t just decide to change people’s sexuality

St. Vicky: câlisse
St. Vicky: when i said we expand our search
St. Vicky: i mean outside of hockey

Carmy: what?

Hammer: i thought we need someone good at hockey

St. Vicky: no
St. Vicky: we need someone better than jj
St. Vicky: hockys just one of those things

Marly: alright im listening

St. Vicky: remember how mad roz got when hollander started dating rose landry

Hammer: hollander is an absolute legend
Hammer: dont tell roz i said that

CC: oh shit i almost forgot that
CC: thats epic bro
CC: i mean hollander is hockey famous
CC: but rose landry is famous famous

St. Vicky: right?
St. Vicky: heres roz recently dumped by his long term situationship
St. Vicky: and hollzy over there has bagged a hot a lister

Carmy: that checks out
Carmy: his biggest rival not only has one more cup than him
Carmy: now hes got the hottest girl while roz cant even lockdown some guy hes been hooking up with since 2011
Carmy: shit this stays here dont ever tell roz i said that

Marly: fck i never thought of it that way
Marly: damn right
Marly: we need to find someone hotter than rose landry

CC: does any of us know anyone hotter and more famous than rose landry

Hammer: if i did i wouldnt introduce her to you dumbasses
Hammer: youre all ugly and sebby is a baby

Marly: ffs hammer, for roz, someone for roz

Sebby: I don’t want a girlfriend.
Sebby: Please leave me out of this.

Carmy: its going to be hard to top rose landry

Hammer: i can top her if she would just give me the chance

Marly: no one wants you smithy
Marly: why do i need to remind you again that rose landry has hollander why would she have any fucks left to give u

Hammer: 🖕

Sebby: Why do we even need to find Cap a boyfriend?
Sebby: Wouldn’t it be easier to find him a girlfriend?

Marly: easier maybe
Marly: but we just told him we love him no matter what
Marly: im not walking that back now

St. Vicky: exactly
St. Vicky: so hear me out
St. Vicky: how about that dude from the x squad

Marly: who

Hammer: what a beaut

St. Vicky: rose landrys co star from the x squad movies
St. Vicky: he can control metals and shit

Hammer: miles allen

Carmy: no fcking way
Carmy: i saw him in the new spy movie
Carmy: was fcking fire bro

St. Vicky: imagine roz getting back at jj AND hollander with one move
St. Vicky: roz will love that shit

Marly: damn
Marly: thats actually brilliant

CC: ok but the problem is none of us know any movie stars
CC: let alone A listers like miles allen

St. Vicky: we can workshop that

Marly: that makes no sense

St. Vicky: well no one said this was gonna be easy

Marly: alright vicky
Marly: lets all think hard and see if any of us have can find a connection ok
Marly: maybe a friends friend

St. Vicky: aye aye

Carmy: 🫡

CC: 🫡

Hammer: copy that

Sebby: I’m just a rookie and don’t know anyone… but sure, I’ll try.

Chapter End Notes

Chel: the NHL video game; I’ve never played it

The number of teams circa 2016: assumed to be a total of 30 teams, modeled after the RL equivalent NHL before the Krakens and the Knights

Crisse de câlice de tabarnak, c'est pas possible comment que t'es cave: Quebecois French that loosely translates to jesus fucking christ (the literal translation is “christ of the chalice of the tabernacle” – all of which are swear words in Quebecois), you can’t possibly be this stupid; I wanted to use “c'est pas le pogo le plus dégelé de la boîte” but apparently Americans don’t know what pogos are? Vicky has internalized the anti-Canadianism and started saying mac'n'cheese instead of KD

Miles (Allen): is obviously played by Michael Fassbender here, because I said so; the new spy movie he’s in is Black Bag

I think I can wrap this up in one more chapter but we’ll see. Next up: The in-person portion of the operation BFF for Roz will take place inside a club in Montreal.

Let me know your unhinged thoughts. Love ya.

Chapter 5

Chapter Summary

The in-person live-action portion of operation BFF (better fuck friendTM) features the Boston Bears boyz stumble their way to the famed Montreal club Ciel in search of a new boyfriend for Ilya via text. Things go exactly as well as you expect. Première partie.

Chapter Notes

This chapter got too long and had to be split into two parts. Here's Part 1. Part 2 is almost ready and will be posted tomorrow.

Best Boston Bros (and their better halves)
Brad Hammersmith - Hammer/smithy
Cliff Marlow - Marly (Soph)
Ryan Carmichael - Carmy (Vanessa)
Victor St-Simon - St. Vicky
Connor Connors - CC/conny (Andi)
Tanner Sebbin - Sebby/sebs

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

St. Vicky: remember how none of us know any movie stars

Marly: we still dont
Marly: unless theres something yall are not telling me

Hammer: nope
Hammer: youd be the first to know if i bagged a movie star

Carmy: they probably make you sign NDAs

Hammer: wah

Carmy: non disclosure agreements
Carmy: you should really know this

Hammer: why

Carmy: cuz they wont be able to face themselves and the world after getting blind drunk and having sex with you
Carmy: and also dont want you blabbing
Carmy: because you know you will

Hammer: im a delight
Hammer: and proud of it

Carmy: 🖕

CC: nah hammers never had to use NDAs
CC: people too ashamed to tell anyone they hooked up with him

Hammer: fuck u all

St. Vicky: listen up you fuckwits
St. Vicky: this is important for operation BFF

CC: what u talking about?

Marly: ffs vicky u havent given up on that yet

St. Vicky: better fuck friend for roz
St. Vicky: keep up conny

CC: fck you vicky

St. Vicky: WE dont know any movie stars
St. Vicky: but rose landry does

Marly: and how do you suggest we meet rose landry
Marly: do we walk up to hollzy and say hey bro we need to meet your hot movie star girlfriend mind introducing us
Marly: how do you dumbasses think that will play out

St. Vicky: let me finish ffs marly

Marly: fine have at it

St. Vicky: we play montreal there next week
St. Vicky: rose landrys been filming the next x squad movie in montreal
St. Vicky: more specifically shes good friends with miles allen
St. Vicky: they hang out together sometimes

Marly: and you know this how

St. Vicky: according to tmz

CC: according to tmz… jesus

Marly: hollander doesnt mind his girl go out partying with another dude?

Hammer: hollander is just that secure
Hammer: hes got that girl locked down bro
Hammer: shes wearing his jersey and everything

Carmy: they just started dating
Carmy: no way they are that serious

St. Vicky: shes her own woman
St. Vicky: she doesnt need no approval from a guy to have a good time

Marly: ok but what do you propose we do

St. Vicky: theyll probably go out after the game right
St. Vicky: rose landry and her friends including miles like theyve been doing recently
St. Vicky: and her fans always know where shes eating or clubbing at
St. Vicky: we just show up to the same club

CC: like some creepy stalker stalking rose landry

St. Vicky: we are not stalking rose landry
St. Vicky: not if we are just using publicly available information posted by concerned fans of hers

Hammer: still seems stalker-y

St. Vicky: her fans are doing the stalking
St. Vicky: we dont care about her anyway
St. Vicky: shes just our way to miles allen

Sebby: Or we can get Hollander’s number and ask him to pass a message to Rose Landry to get Miles Allen’s contact.

Carmy: ffs do u think this is elementary school rookie?
Carmy: passing msgs to ur girl through 10 people

Sebby: 🖕

Marly: as your A, i dont know why i continue to be surprised by ur stupidity collectively but i am…
Marly: we cant let hollander get a whiff of this
Marly: do you know how humiliating it will be for roz
Marly: i dunno why i bother with you dumbwits

Hammer: right…

CC: fuck u too marly

Carmy: …

St. Vicky: im out of fucks to give

One week later after the MTL-BOS game. Montreal won 4-1.

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

Carmy: well that was shit

CC: brutal

Marly: yah…

Carmy: roz was…

St. Vicky: like he wasnt even there

Hammer: u said it not me

Carmy: we were all there
Carmy: to watch that disaster unfold

Marly: its just one game
Marly: we can recover from this

Carmy: not sure roz can recover from being humiliated in front of boiziau

St. Vicky: ill say it
St. Vicky: he played like shit and couldnt even make eye contact with hollander

Carmy: at least hollander being hollander had good sportsmanship and didnt rub it in

Marly: yah that was good of him

Sebby: Did any of you think he wasn’t 100% there either?
Sebby: Not locked in all the way like he normally is.

Hammer: get off ur fcking phone rookie

Sebby: Still not a rookie and why do I need to get off my phone?

Hammer: concussion protocol bro
Hammer: ur supposed to rest

Sebby: Uh…
Sebby: Smithy, you know it was my ribs right?
Sebby: My head was never involved and my hands still work.
Sebby: I just can’t come out with y’all since it hurts to breathe let alone move.

Marly: hammer wtf thats not how concussions work

Hammer: how was i supposed to know
Hammer: doc puts us on concussion protocol for everything

Marly: i just cant with you
Marly: no hammer, concussion protocol is only for when u get a concussion
Marly: sebby doesnt have a concussion hes fine to use his phone
Marly: YOU on the other hand has had your brain jiggled too many times

Hammer: 🖕

Marly: just keep an eye on the chat in case… i dunno… we need u to come bail us out or something

Sebby: 😱

Marly: lol im j/k
Marly: mostly
Marly: ok ok so we stick to the plan

Carmy: just confirmed rose landry and miles have both been spotted at ciel

Marly: good work carmy
Marly: you and cc head over there first and see if you can get a chance to talk to miles
Marly: cc where are u

Carmy: hes with me
Carmy: we r ready to head out

Marly: 👍
Marly: vicky is roz still in the locker room

St. Vicky: still here
St. Vicky: showering now but didnt start until just now
St. Vicky: he just sat here staring at the wall for a long time

Marly: shit
Marly: ok im almost back
Marly: media was shit and kept asking stupid questions so i gave them stupid answers
Marly: coach probably wants to kill all of us but thats problem for tomorrow
Marly: hammer where are you

Hammer: i went back to the hotel

Marly: wtf why
Marly: thats not part of the plan

Hammer: i brought something nice to wear and didnt want to stuff it in my gameday bag

Marly: …

St. Vicky: take a deep breath marly

Marly: i dunno where to start
Marly: you know what
Marly: meet us at ciel hammer

Hammer: 🫡

Marly: carmy you and cc head over first
Marly: let us know once you get in and confirm miles is actually there

Carmy: 🫡

Hammer: or at least rose landry
Hammer: i want to meet her shes so hot

Marly: not the point but maybe we can convince her to share miles contact info

Sebby: Why would she when her boyfriend is literally Cap’s nemesis.

Marly: fck

Hammer: dont worry ur pretty head ill charm her

St. Vicky: a dead frog is more charming than u

Hammer: fuck u im plenty charming

Marly: lets just get there first and worry about other stuff later
Marly: vicky and i will come over with roz when hes done doing whatever hes doing
Marly: maybe miles will see roz and none of us needs to charm anyone
Marly: shit i still need to get out of my suit

Some time later. CC and Carmy arrived at Ciel first.

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

CC: we got a bit of a problem

Marly: ?

CC: the line is super long

Marly: dont wait in line
Marly: why you waiting in line
Marly: when do we wait in line at clubs

CC: they told us we werent on the list

Marly: wtf
Marly: we are always on the list in hockey towns
Marly: and montreal is a hockey town

CC: they hate us here

St Vicky: they dont know who u are conny

Sebby: Maybe we can be magnanimous and remind them we lost tonight.
Sebby: That should get us in.

Carmy: mag…wat?
Carmy: ykw dont answer that
Carmy: what connys really trying to say is hes rags are too ugly and didnt make the cut

CC: fuck u
CC: your clothes are ugly

Marly: jesus nvm
Marly: we are just about to leave
Marly: vickys talking to roz right now

CC: wait i think i see hammer

Marly: hang on
Marly: i thought vickys sorted this out with roz already
Marly: hes still saying he doesnt want to go out with us

Ten minutes later. CC and Carmy are still in line. Marly and Vicky are at the arena with Roz.

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

Sebby: Hey
Sebby: …
Sebby: Is anyone still here?

CC: fucking hammer just got in
CC: and we are still stuck outside
CC: the traitor

Sebby: Did he not vouch for you guys?

CC: yes but apparently that counts for nothing
CC: at least he didnt completely betray us

Sebby: Maybe they recognized him…

CC: thats fucked ive been with the team longer

Sebby: He has more points than you this season.

Carmy: oh burn!

Sebby: Hammer played in Toronto before coming to us so they probably know him better here.

Carmy: nah
Carmy: they didnt want to let conny ruin everyones experience with his ugly mug
Carmy: hammer cleaned up nice bro
Carmy: didnt know he had it in him

CC: fuck u carmy
CC: im standing right next to you

Carmy: so

CC: and we are both outside

Marly: alright we are on our way
Marly: vicky had to fake being desperate to get roz to come out with us
Marly: just remember when we get there we are all here to wingman vicky to get some haute montreal action

St. Vicky: 🖕

Marly: would you say no?

St. Vicky: im a gentleman

Marly: sure
Marly: now stop looking at your phone
Marly: roz is going to notice
Marly: oh sure real mature vicky i can see that from the front seat

Hammer: where r u losers
Hammer: cant find any of u
Hammer: this place moving bro

Carmy: marly and vicky are on their way with roz
Carmy: conny and i are in line

Hammer: how r u still waiting

CC: shut the fuck up hammer

Hammer: 🖕

Sebby: Do we actually have confirmation that Miles Allen is at Ciel?

CC: last we checked
CC: the rose landry fan accounts dont have any new sightings

Marly: hammer go see if you can spot miles allen or rose landry
Marly: we’ll come find you with roz

Hammer: 👌

CC: whats the eta marly

Marly: still more than 15 out i think
Marly: fcking traffic is stupid bad
Marly: why is it so bad still jesus

Sebby: Arguably because thousands of people came to see us play.

Carmy: probably faster if u just got out the car and walked

Marly: i dont want to get roz killed
Marly: even tho we lost today dont forget they burned effigies of our cap last playoff

Carmy: ok fair

CC: its fcking cold and im hungry

Sebby: You didn’t eat after the game?

Carmy: nah we thought we needed to leave asap
Carmy: but u fuckers all took too long

Marly: are you guys still outside

CC: the lines not fcking moving bro
CC: i saw a bar one street down that looked good on our way here
CC: me and carmy are gonna head over there to grab some food and drinks before we expire

Marly: fine just dont take too long
Marly: i know how you guys are
Marly: be back when we get here so we can get you in

CC: aye aye

Hammer: wow
Hammer: just wow
Hammer: holy shit
Hammer: this is so hot
Hammer: bro if they didnt tape up my camera

Marly: wtf is going on hammer
Marly: we need details

Hammer: i found rose landry and miles allen alrite
Hammer: they are dancing together
Hammer: really really close
Hammer: i think theyre trying to plaster themselves together
Hammer: to become one or something

CC: shit hollander must have huge balls of steel bro
CC: his girl dancing like that with another man

Hammer: theres zero space between them bro

Sebby: Or negative space.

Hammer: wah?

Sebby: Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much…

Hammer: wft r u talking about sebby

Sebby: Sorry, lust each other very much…
Sebby: They become one through sharing the same space

Hammer: makes no sense

Sebby: you see the birds and bees they…
Sebby: actually, I have no idea what that means
Sebby: shit I think I’m drink…

Carmy: bro i just got it
Carmy: fcking hell sebby 😂

CC: why are you drinking sebby
CC: you shouldnt be drinking
CC: youre supposed to be resting bro

Carmy: omg sebby do we need to come back and make sure you dont die?!!!

Sebby: huh?

Marly: sebby listen up
Marly: what pain meds did they give you
Marly: how many did you take

Sebby: uhm… just one I think
Sebby: the white ones
Sebby: they are long and so pretty

Marly: jfc sebby im going to call you
Marly: remember to answer

Sebby: what? Why?

A few minutes later.

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

CC: we are at the food joint
CC: just ordered something to eat and drinks
CC: yo is sebby ok

Marly: fine just high
Marly: not drunk
Marly: he didnt drink alcohol

Carmy: wtf did he take

Marly: nothing to worry about
Marly: well nothing serious anyway
Marly: its just the tylenol with codeine hes supposed to take for his ribs
Marly: cap says this is normal for him apparently the same happened last time he dislocated his shoulder
Marly: roz talked to him
Marly: hes only taking a couple of doses and then its back to the usual meds

Carmy: thank fuck i was worried

CC: shit i was too
CC: glad we dont need to stage another intervention for someone in this group
CC: i dont think I have it in me

Marly: nah hes just going to sleep it off probably

Hammer: red red red
Hammer: red alert

Marly: what is it

Hammer: rose landry is walking away
Hammer: shit…
Hammer: o miles is still there
Hammer: hes dancing by himself
Hammer: maybe i should go down and talk to him
Hammer: hollzy is a friend of a friend
Hammer: and he is friends with rose landry
Hammer: miles and i are practically brothers

Marly: stop where you are hammer
Marly: dont do anything drastic
Marly: actually, do not approach miles allen until we get there
Marly: we are almost there
Marly: hammer
Marly: smithy!
Marly: brad!!!

Chapter 6

Chapter Summary

The in-person live-action portion of operation BFF (better fuck friendTM) features the Boston Bears boyz stumbling their way via text to the famed Montreal club Ciel in search of a new boyfriend for Ilya. They finally get into Ciel but are already down two men. Things go exactly as well as you’d expect
Deuxième partie

Chapter Notes

We are finally at the end of the journey. Thank you for coming along for the ride. Please keep our boyz in your hearts – they are dumb but their love for Ilya is strong.

Best Boston Bros (and their better halves)
Brad Hammersmith - Hammer/smithy
Cliff Marlow - Marly (Soph)
Ryan Carmichael - Carmy (Vanessa)
Victor St-Simon - St. Vicky
Connor Connors - CC/conny (Andi)
Tanner Sebbin - Sebby/sebs

A few minutes later.

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

Marly: just got in with roz and vicky
Marly: vicky and roz are at the bar
Marly: i need to find hammer
Marly: conny carmy where are you guys

CC: food just got here

Carmy: need to eat
Carmy: starving

Marly: jfc you shoulda eaten your meal preps after the game

CC: i thought you wanted us to leave after the game asap
CC: didnt even get through my usual full shower

Carmy: dont be disgusting conny

CC: and you stink

Marly: 😐
Marly: i dont give a shit
Marly: just finish your food and get here

Carmy: 🫡

CC: 🖕

Marly: did hammer fucking fall down the toilet or something
Marly: where the hell is he
Marly: i dont see miles allen anywhere either

St. Vicky: get your ass back here marly

Marly: i need to find hammer
Marly: or miles allen
Marly: jfc didnt think i would ever say this
Marly: but at this point knowing where just one of them is will make me a very happy man

St. Vicky: no time for that need you here asap

Marly: aww did you miss me already

St. Vicky: fuck u
St. Vicky: we have a situation

Marly: ?

St. Vicky: fucking hollander is here
St. Vicky: dancing with rose
St. Vicky: very poorly i might add
St. Vicky: im shielding roz from him

Marly: shit
Marly: shit shit shit
Marly: i thought he never comes out to post win celebrations
Marly: coming back now
Marly: theres just about a billion people who suddenly appeared between me and where you guys are

St. Vicky: who the hell knows why he suddenly decided to grace the people of montreal with his presence
St. Vicky: but today is like the worst time for roz to see his archrival winning the game and getting the girl
St. Vicky: while hes tragically single and still not over his ex

Marly: no shit
Marly: oh fuck
Marly: boiziaus not here is he?

St. Vicky: not from what i can see
St. Vicky: its just hollander and rose

Marly: thank god for small mercies
Marly: just dont let roz see hollander

St. Vicky: thats what i just told you

Marly: right
Marly: fuck
Marly: im not ready for this
Marly: i have no training for this
Marly: they didnt tell me i needed to do this when they gave me the A

St. Vicky: welcome to the fcking club marly
St. Vicky: crisse roz is trying to leave

Marly: stop him vicky obviously
Marly: vicky? vicky!
Marly: please tell me you didn’t lose roz
Marly: cc carmy where are you guys get here asap
Marly: yo the team need you guys to put in the minutes
Marly: vicky wtf is going on

St. Vicky: ok alright roz just wanted to go the washroom
St. Vicky: he downed three shots pretty quickly
St. Vicky: i couldnt stop him

Marly: ughhhhh
Marly: well are you going to follow?

St. Vicky: why would i go thats just creepy bro

Marly: SO YOU DONT LOSE HIM YOU DUMBASS
Marly: or he accidentally runs into hollander and rose landry

St. Vicky: o okay…

Marly: go follow him vicky

St. Vicky: on it

Marly: hammer where the fuck are you
Marly: respond now or youre doing suicides first thing next practice

St. Vicky: hes dancing with some girl now

Marly: who? hollander?

St. Vicky: no, roz is

Marly: whos this girl

St. Vicky: how should i know

Marly: didnt he want to go to the washroom
Marly: just make sure he doesnt see the enemy

St. Vicky: im on it
St. Vicky: im not stupid marly crisse

Marly: dont let roz and hollander see each other before we can get a read on this miles allen situation
Marly: wait i think im actually next to the restroom
Marly: going to pop in and see if hammers there

St. Vicky: is he?

Carmy: conny and i just got done and on our way back to ciel

CC: 👍

St. Vicky: get here quick we need you

Marly: nope unless hes in a different one
Marly: remember that time he ate something bad or maybe it was the stomach bug but he spent most of night in the restroom when we went out in vancouver
Marly: and we all took turns standing by the door to divert other people from going in and seeing the mess

St. Vicky: why u do this to me!
St. Vicky: i almost blocked it from my mind completely

Marly: your welcome

St. Vicky: ahhhh shit

Marly: please tell me roz didnt see hollander or rose landry

St. Vicky: well… no
St. Vicky: but this may be worse
St. Vicky: i think hollander saw him
St. Vicky: he and rose landry have stopped dancing and are talking now i think
St. Vicky: wait now hes leaving

Marly: maybe he wants to avoid a fight
Marly: we know hollzy plays textbook hockey on ice and canadian golden boy off ice

St. Vicky: you mean hes boring

Marly: not my words take it up with roz

St. Vicky: or maybe hes getting his enforcers
St. Vicky: did you see any other montreal players here tonight

Marly: no but i cant seem to find anyone tonight
Marly: so maybe theyre here
Marly: just like hammer is supposedly here
Marly: like cc and carmy are supposed to be here

CC: we are on our way

Carmy: on being the operative word
Carmy: or is way the operative word?
Carmy: anyhow we are in line
Carmy: again

St. Vicky: 🤦🏽

Marly: do you still have eyes on roz

St. Vicky: yes stop pestering me
St. Vicky: roz will see me constantly on my phone not dancing and will have questions
St. Vicky: no one will believe me rose landry is now dancing with a random guy

CC: rose landry can fcking dance anyone she wants
CC: shes a queen and hollander doesnt deserve to keep all of her to himself

Carmy: wow when did you become a rose landry stan

CC: i have eyes
CC: that i use all the time

Carmy: 🖕
Carmy: fck you man im standing right next to you
Carmy: and you were clearly blind when you put on whatever this is youre wearing

Marly: …
Marly: just get in here you two
Marly: vicky do you think roz saw hollander leave

St. Vicky: i dont know anything at this point
St. Vicky: oh shit i take that back
St. Vicky: roz just pushed the girl hes been dancing with away and is on the move

Marly: what do you mean on the move
Marly: wheres he going
Marly: vicky follow him

St. Vicky: ok looks like hes going to the washroom for real this time
St. Vicky: i dont think i should follow him in there
St. Vicky: thats weird and super sus

Marly: just make sure he and hollander dont run into each other

St. Vicky: 🫡

Carmy: we are in!!!!!!!

St. Vicky: fucking finally bro
St. Vicky: what took you so long

CC: carmy had to pimp himself out to a fan
CC: whos apparently good friends with one of DJs
CC: anyway she got us in

Carmy: fuck you man
Carmy: i was just being friendly like a normal person

CC: uh huh

Carmy: i dunno what tf you are talking about conny
Carmy: we just chatted a little outside
Carmy: i didnt get her number no nothing
Carmy: what yall want me to be mean to a fan
Carmy: in fucking montreal of all places
Carmy: theyll burn us alive

Marly: calm down carmy
Marly: as long as you didnt do anything youll regret later bro

Carmy: i didnt

Marly: i believe you
Marly: just get your ass over

CC: where are you guys

Marly: Im on the lower level looking for fucking hammer
Marly: who must have been abducted by aliens

St. Vicky: im by the bar on the upper level
St. Vicky: cap just went to the restroom

Carmy: no ones seen miles allen

Marly: no one other than hammer supposedly

Carmy: maybe hammer obducted him

St. Vicky: calisse
St. Vicky: thats not even funny
St. Vicky: thats a real possibility

Marly: shut up vicky dont jinx it
Marly: i can only deal with one emergency at a time

CC: and wheres rose landry

St. Vicky: still dancing
St. Vicky: with a girl now

CC: hot
CC: andi will agree with me
CC: cant wait to tell her

Marly: focus!

CC: i thought rose landry is one of our targets

Marly: bro no one is a target
Marly: we are not… shit i dunno… the mafia or whatever
Marly: we just want to intro roz to miles allen
Marly: cc and carmy go see if you can find hollander
Marly: AND KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ROZ

CC: or keep roz from hollander
CC: got it

Marly: good
Marly: im going to keep looking for miles allen
Marly: and maybe hammer will show up maybe not
Marly: i dont even care anymore

Carmy: yo i think i see hollander on the other side of the room

Marly: which room

Carmy: the one thats connect to the main room right when you get in through a hallway

Marly: i literally dont know which room your talking about
Marly: doesnt matter just let us know if he goes up stairs where roz is

St. Vicky: i see roz
St. Vicky: hes not coming back to the bar
St. Vicky: but walking toward the back stairs i think

Marly: keep him upstairs vicky
Marly: dont let him come down where hollander is
Marly: jfc

St. Vicky: im trying hes too far away
St. Vicky: ill try to catch up

Carmy: hollander is going toward the back
Carmy: maybe i should follow him

Marly: is he with anyone

Carmy: not that i can see
Carmy: but its very crowded
Carmy: nvm lost him

St. Vicky: uh… i think roz is going outside

Marly: carmy go get your eyes on hollander
Marly: just make sure he isnt also heading outside
Marly: to the same location as roz
Marly: for some godforbidden reason

CC: well…

Marly: not now conny
Marly: vicky ill meet you at the bottom of the back stairs
Marly: then we go get roz

St. Vicky: coming

Sebby: Hey guys, I think I fell asleep.
Sebby: What did I miss?
Sebby: Did we find Cap a new boyfriend?

A long moment later. Perhaps in the wee hours of the night

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

Marly: so…
Marly: anyone want to talk about what we saw

Hammer: hollander looks fking good up close and shirtless bro
Hammer: no wonder he pulled rose landry

St. Vicky: and roz too
St. Vicky: apparently

Sebby: What the hell is going on?
Sebby: Was Miles Allen not there?

Carmy: not now rookie
Carmy: ngl first I was fcking terrified that they were both outside the back entrance… at the same time
Carmy: and then i legit thought they were fighting
Carmy: like one of them was about to get taken down
Carmy: but like in some kind of aggressively close and sexually charged way….
Carmy: I mean theyve always been weird about each other

St. Vicky: word

Hammer: but then u realized they were trying to suck each others faces off

Carmy: ugh hammer wft bro
Carmy: thats disgusting

St. Vicky: hammers right tho
St. Vicky: that was the most aggressive making out ive seen.

Hammer: bro both their backs gotta have brick burns from the walls they were pushing each other up against

St. Vicky: theyll look like theyve been mauled by a bear tomorrow

Marly: I still didnt follow exactly how they both ended up mostly without shirts

CC: dunno if thats what we should focus on
CC: but yea im still in shock that roz pulled hollzy

Sebby: HELLO?
Sebby: I think I’m seeing things again…

Marly: wait for a sec sebs we dont have time for this right now
Marly: wtfdym conny
Marly: of course if anyone in the league could pull hollander it would be our cap

St. Vicky: i thought we believed in roz

CC: cant imagine hollander getting close with anyone bad at hockey
CC: he seems like the kind of guy that believes exchanging bodily fluids with anyone worse at hockey than him will ruin his game

Carmy: uhm…
Carmy: are you saying hollanders a virgin

CC: wat

Carmy: if hollander cant fuck anyone whose worse at hockey than him

CC: im sure girls dont count
CC: hes got rose landry
CC: no ones can resist rose fucking landry bro
CC: no guys no girls no one in between
CC: unless ur one of those people who dont do sex
CC: which
CC: no shade thats cool too but hollander uhm
CC: seemed pretty into roz

Marly: wtf conny

CC: wat
CC: its true
CC: andi said so she told me and shes usually right

Marly: ok alright fine god help me

Hammer: lets be real roz makes him better at hockey
Hammer: or maybe its the other way around
Hammer: either way games are always intense when we play against montreal

St. Vicky: 🤔

Marly: youre not wrong…

Hammer: i feel less bad about losing to montreal
Hammer: does that make sense?

Carmy: no it does not make any fucking sense hammer
Carmy: but we are cool about roz right
Carmy: and hollander
Carmy: roz and hollander
Carmy: we said we love him not matter what
Carmy: no walking that back now

St. Vicky: ok i support roz in who he chooses to love or fuck
St. Vicky: love is love and all
St. Vicky: plus hollander really did him a solid
St. Vicky: after what happened with boiziau

Hammer: thats more than a solid bro
Hammer: we were all talking the big talk
Hammer: but cmon we all knew itd be hard to find someone better than boiziau

Marly: and knowing now that rozs type is good hockey players…

CC: miles allen wouldnt have worked

St. Vicky: sure but i cant get behind cheating bro
St. Vicky: not even its hollander and roz
St. Vicky: and i have hella respect for both of them

Marly: ok but rose landry landry was dancing with other people
Marly: really close
Marly: you told us that vicky

St. Vicky: fine thats true

Carmy: maybe they have an open relationship
Carmy: some people have that
Carmy: no judgement there either bro

St. Vicky: dumbass thats usually because some asshole guys want to cheat on their girls and make it sound legit

CC: hollander doesnt seem like the sort of guy that would do that

St. Vicky: do we really know anything about him tho
St. Vicky: off the ice

Marly: lets not assume the worst of anyone until we can ask roz
Marly: or maybe hollzy directly
Marly: cap doesnt have family closeby but he has us

Hammer: im happy to have a chat with hollzy

Marly: not you hammer
Marly: if its going to be anyone its me

Hammer: fine wtv you can go first
Hammer: wow i just thought of something

Marly: do not think anymore than youve already done hammer

Hammer: can you imagine if roz and hollzy had kids
Hammer: theyd the best hockey players in the league by the time theyre old enough to be draft

Carmy: not how biology works

Hammer: and you know how biology works because?

Carmy: 🖕

Sebby: Can someone please explain to me WHAT THE FUCK is happening?
Sebby: Am I still high? What did the doc give me?
Sebby: Did I die and this is the afterlife?
Sebby: Will I get to meet Gordie Howe next?

Carmy: i wish

St. Vicky: you need to deal with the rookie Marly
St. Vicky: he sounds like hes about to pass out

Marly: get off the chat sebby
Marly: im calling you as soon as we are done here
Marly: and before we all try to get some sleep before the flight
Marly: letting yall know ive emailed management to get the team signed up for inclusivity training

Hammer: wat now

Carmy: why
Carmy: i dont want more training

St. Vicky: cmon marly we already train so much

CC: you cant be serious bro
CC: why we need include training
CC: we include everyone
CC: we love roz and support him we all literally just said that

Marly: look
Marly: i dont know wft inclusivity training actually is ok
Marly: i was just looking up how to support being gay in sports ok
Marly: and people say its important to have diversity and inclusivity
Marly: it was pretty obvious we dont actually know wtf to do or how
Marly: but first we need management know the team is inclusive and diverse
Marly: we all support it and we are serious

St. Vicky: i dont know what that means

Marly: see thats why we need formal training
Marly: maybe then we know the right words to use
Marly: so we can be taken seriously
Marly: if we ever need to make a stance or wtv

CC: ok… not the worst idea youve had marly

Marly: oh fu conner

Carmy: im in

St. Vicky: 👍

Hammer: obviously we will be great at it
Hammer: like everything else
Hammer: all we do is win

Sebby: Uhm I don’t know what we are doing exactly but count me in.

Marly: alright fuckers
Marly: as your A, im telling you all to get the fuck to sleep
Marly: weve got a flight and then early on on ice practice the day after
Marly: and it goes without saying that everything discussed in this chat stays in this chat
Marly: if a word of this gets out i know where yall live

St. Vicky: and ill help hide the bodies

Hammer: copy that

CC: 🫡

Carmy: 🫡

Sebby: 🫡

Ten minutes later. Sebby waits for Marly to call him while struggling to keep himself awake

Best Boston Bros No 🧢

Sebby: Marly!
Sebby: I just tried texting you and calling but you didn’t answer.
Sebby: Is anyone awake?
Sebby: MARLY!
Sebby: VICKY! CARMY! CONNY! HAMMER!
Sebby: Please respond!
Sebby: I need to know what happened to Cap.
Sebby: And apparently Hollander.
Sebby: And the no shirt situation.
Sebby: With kissing.
Sebby: Are you guys sure that’s what happened?
Sebby: I thought we wanted to get Cap and Miles Allen together?
Sebby: And how was Rose Landry involved in all of this?
Sebby: Keep our QUEEN out of this bro that’s not ok!
Sebby: WTAF guys! I need to know the truth!
Sebby: You can’t keep me in the dark forever!
Sebby: I know your room numbers and will break down the door if necessary!
Sebby: ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE MARLY!!!

Chapter End Notes

I hope you loved these dumb hockey boyz as much as I did. If you want to find out more about what happened to Hammer at Ciel, just click the NEXT button. Until next time, love you all.

Crisse – Christ, a swear word in Québécois; the meaning is considered more vulgar/profane than the direct English translation.

Calisse - Chalice, a vessel that holds the wine for the Eucharist; used as a swear word in Québécois.

Gordie Howe - One of the greatest hockey players of all time. He’s probably most famously known for the Gordie Howe hattrick (a goal, an assist, and a fight in a single game), but he’s only done that twice in his 26-season career. This dude played professional hockey into his 50s, which is just wild.