Preface
when i've got you right where i want you
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at https://archiveofourown.org/works/81693776.
- Rating:
- Teen And Up Audiences
- Archive Warning:
- No Archive Warnings Apply
- Category:
- M/M
- Fandoms:
- Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid
- Relationship:
- Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
- Characters:
- Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Wyatt Hayes, Zane Boodram, Luca Haas, Troy Barrett, Harris Drover, Yuna Hollander, David Hollander, Hayden Pike, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Rose Landry, Nick Chouinard, LaPointe (Game Changers), Holmberg (Game Changers), Evan Dykstra, Brandon Wiebe, Original Male Character(s)
- Additional Tags:
- chatfic, Texting, Texting Fic, POV Shane Hollander, Established Relationship, the groupchat fic exactly one of you asked for, Hockey Injuries, realistic racism, realistic homophobia, Humor, guys being dudes, Shane Hollander Goes to Therapy, Shane Hollander Is Angry, let my boy be angry, Post-Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers), Uses Show Team Names, casual mentions of anxiety and disordered eating, OC tag is primarily for a hockey player i made up who goes on a soul quest over the course of this fic
- Language:
- English
- Series:
- Part 3 of desperate measures (the 2021-2022 season)
- Stats:
- Published: 2026-03-23 Updated: 2026-05-31 Words: 69,925 Chapters: 11/13
when i've got you right where i want you
Summary
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i keep thinking this is some sort of insane dream
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but no. we got SHANE HOLLANDER.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): because of HOMOPHOBIA!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): rare homophobia win
Shane Hollander: Well let’s not go that far.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): holmberg please refrain from being pro homophobia in the group chat or shane will report you to management--
Or: Shane's first season on the Ottawa Centaurs, as told through a number of increasingly unhinged texts
Notes
i tried to include as much context as possible, but this probably won't make too much sense if you haven't read the other works in the series!
once again, i ignore real life hockey knowledge for the sake of Having A Good Time
CENTAURS FOREVER
July 10th, 2021 - 4:12pm
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): i am warning you all right now to make good first impression or there will be punishments
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov) added Shane Hollander to the chat
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holy fucking shit
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Hollander in the GC!! It’s happening man!!!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Bonjour Hollander!! Welcome to Ottawa!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): I knew this would happen and I still cannot believe it. I am in a group chat with Shane Hollander.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): luca you are also still in group chat with me your hero
The Baby (Luca Haas): I’ve had a year to get used to you. This is SHANE HOLLANDER.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): SHANE MOTHERFUCKIN HOLLANDER ON THE THE MOTHERFUCKIN CENTAURS BAYBEEEEEEEEEE
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i keep thinking this is some sort of insane dream
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but no. we got SHANE HOLLANDER.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): because of HOMOPHOBIA!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): rare homophobia win
Shane Hollander: Well let’s not go that far.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): holmberg please refrain from being pro homophobia in the group chat or shane will report you to management
Shane Hollander: Shut the fuck up I would not do that
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): omg no to clarify i HATE homophobia shane i’m so sorry
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): this is a no homophobia chat 🙅♂️ i promise
Shane Hollander: It’s fine, I knew what you meant.
Shane Hollander: Anyway, hi everyone! Nice to be here officially.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes) changed Shane Hollander’s Name to Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander)
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Sorry, nicknames are mandatory.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): better half??????
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): SIGNIFICANTLY better half!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): yeah man hazy calls it like he sees it
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): it has been less than ten minutes and you have all already turned on me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I like this. Very accurate.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane do not bully me in work group chat it is unprofessional
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You do NOT have a leg to stand on when it comes to being professional, dickhead.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Woah, Hollander in the group chat.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Already fighting with the fiance.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Having now realized I’ve known both of them while they were secretly together I think I can accurately say this is flirting, not fighting.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): eh
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s kind of both?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): we are multitaskers 😈
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): this is so fucking crazy bro i’m watching the my hockey idols flirt slash fight in a group chat i am also in
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): and then we’re all going to play hockey together
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): this is like a daydream i had in high school
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): young stop making me feel old
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Do I wanna know what nose milk is in reference to?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): snorted milk out of my nose once
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You were. . . just drinking milk? Plain milk?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): builds strong bones dude
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane i love you and would die for you many times over but you put kale in smoothies you do not have foot to stand on when it comes to eating weird things for health
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): do canadians not have those posters in their school of the milk guys
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): with the mustaches
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): y’know like britney spears
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Britney Spears?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): she is famous pop star моя любовь
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya, I know THAT.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): shane, ignore young, the rest of us do
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): aw 😔
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Noted.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we’re not gonna point out roz being corny in russian? you can’t hide behind the cyrillic alphabet, we all have google translate and we WILL use it against you
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shut up dykstra
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): So you guys just use this chat to, like. . . chat?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Yeah, it’s weird right? Took me ages to get used to it.
The Baby (Luca Haas): What do you mean? Do other teams not have team group chats?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No I mean Montreal had a group chat, we just only ever used it for work stuff. Like asking for practice times and confirming details for road trips and charity events. We never just talked.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i mean, we have that chat too, but this is a just for fun side chat
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we ask every guy if they want to be in it when they join the team
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we send them the “do you want to be in the optional fun side chats” google form
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): which they can use to join hazy’s comics chat, my bbq invite distro, and the semi-occasional karaoke thing the kids try to organize. they can also use it to add their partners to the WAG chat
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): no secrets but also no mandatory fun (which is not fun at all)
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we love making fun optional here in beautiful ottawa
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we didn’t send you the google form because roz insisted on signing you up for the chats he thought you’d like most lol but i can send it to you if you’d like to see them all
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): but yeah we got several chats
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay wait reading all that I realized Montreal definitely had a side chat I just wasn’t in, huh?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Yeah, Toronto had one I wasn’t in.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): I remain sorry for that, buddy
The Baby (Luca Haas): That is so crazy. Why would they not want to be in a group chat with SHANE HOLLANDER!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): forreal dude like wtf that’s SHANE HOLLANDER bro
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): everyone stop saying my fiance’s name in all caps
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): he will get big ego and leave me for younger man and i will take it all out on you
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You just don’t like your team thinking I might be a better hockey player than you.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): big talk from second best player in league
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Wait. Aren’t you two in, like, the same room now?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): no shane is being mean and is very far away to punish me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya, I’m upstairs folding the laundry.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you could be downstairs :( cuddling with me and our beautiful daughter :(
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Daughter? Did I miss something?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I’m 99% sure he means his dog.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He does.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): OUR dog. and she is most beautiful daughter in the whole world excuse you
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane agrees with me he did not even like dogs before he met her and her perfect little face
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): She is pretty perfect.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): and yet you do not cuddle her or me :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Alright, alright, I’ll be right down.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): ❤️
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Wow, it’s gonna be like this all the time huh?
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Two married guys flirting in the team group chat.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): If you had told sixteen year old me that was possible, he would have had an aneurysm.
The Baby (Luca Haas): I think it’s sweet. 🙂
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): anyway shane – welcome to the team OFFICIALLY dude. we are all so excited to have you man!!! and cassie and i can’t wait for the wedding!!!
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): yes will be best wedding of all time
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you will all see what true love is
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): God, who knew Roz was such a sap?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I did. 🙂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
July 26th, 2021 - 12:09pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Okay it’s noon please respond in the group chat if you are alive. Any responses not received in the next hour will result in missing person reports being filed. Thank you!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): ugh
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): remind me that drinking that much and having a newborn do NOT mix
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): cassie is fully laughing at me right now
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i have smelled things no man should ever have to smell hungover
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Sorry, man, I feel like I should have warned you about that.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): But truthfully it’s a Fatherhood Right of Passage
The Baby (Luca Haas): I am alive! Sorry, I was busy packing for Switzerland. I left it to the last minute and now I have to do it all today hungover. ☹️
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): we lived
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i have thing one and thing two here
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): sleeping like this
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [PHOTO: Holmberg and Young passed out. Holmberg is on the couch like a normal person; Young is sprawled on the floor despite there being a perfectly acceptable recliner a few feet away.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): oh my god lp i’m saving that forever
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh! LP! Like a record! I get it!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya and I are alive, but he’s still half asleep. He’s been staring into a mug of coffee for an amount of time that is bordering on concerning.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Also thank you all for coming! I hope you had fun. Sorry we didn’t have chairs. My mother has sent me no less than four separate texts about that already.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Nah man if anything you proved gay men are still fundamentally men (very bad at planning things).
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): caitlin and i are safe and sound and have door dashed mcdonalds like assholes
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): she wants me to say that she had a great time and that you're wonderful shane and “i wasn’t kidding about making you both be in the WAG chat”
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): WAG roz is maybe the funniest thing i’ve ever heard so you two should totally do it
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Can we even be WAGs if we’re players? Isn’t that against, like, the rules?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i mean, i don’t think there’s laws????
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh the WAG chat in Montreal definitely has laws.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Jackie runs that place like the Navy.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Although I think that’s partly because some guys couldn’t keep a girlfriend longer than six months so it was a bit of a revolving door situation.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): lowkey dude she was cool as fuck she didn’t even flinch doing that tequila shot and she has four kids
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): very powerful and terrifying lady i admire her greatly
Like a Record Baby (WIll LaPointe): i also admire your mother very greatly
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wait shit that sounds like i’m coming onto your mom hold on
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): lp stop hitting on my in-laws day after my wedding
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): I’M NOT I SWEAR SHANE PLZ
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s fine, LP, Ilya’s fucking with you.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Confirming Harris and l are alive. Possibly against our will.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): This is the most hungover I have ever been.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): You fuckers forgot chairs but not vodka.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, yeah. Ilya planned it.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): 😈
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): You know what? Fair enough.
—
Fam Chat
July 26th, 2021 - 1:19pm
Mom: Really, boys. It was a lovely night. I am so happy for you both and so, so proud of you.
Mom: But I’m planning the vow renewal if you ever do one.
—
Rose Landry
July 26th, 2021 - 1:46pm
Rose: I have never been this hungover on a plane in my life.
Rose: But it was a really lovely wedding!!! Thank you for having me!!
Shane: I’m so glad you could make it! I know your schedule is crazy.
Rose: Honey, I would have 100% cancelled a shoot to be there, are you kidding?
Rose: I’m so happy for you. You deserve it. He looks at you like you’re magical.
Shane: I know. I have no idea what I did to deserve it.
Rose: Shane, you deserve it because you’re YOU!
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
August 3rd, 2021 - 1:19pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): staring longingly at my bbq on this beautiful summer day
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i love milo more than anything else on earth and would die for him in a heartbeat but i cannot wait for him to be just a little older so i can host again
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Careful, Bood, when they’re older you’ll find yourself wishing they were this small again.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): it’s true, sometimes i look at Susie and i’m like, remember when you were smaller than a potato??? which of course she does not
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): smaller than a potato??? okay she was either concerningly small or i need to know where you're buying potatoes man
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): fuck you it’s a turn of phrase or whatever
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i thought we agreed all dad chat would need to be in a separate gc
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i believe i said that was discriminatory and i stand by that judgement
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Wait, how many of you have kids?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holly! arent you supposed to be on your honeymoon man? why arent you on a beach
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s approaching 8pm here. I’m waiting for Ilya to finish getting ready for dinner, which will probably take another hour.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you cannot rush perfection hollander-rozanov
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Using the hyphenated last name isn’t going to make me any less annoyed 🙄
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): It’s nice to know marriage hasn’t changed you two yet
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane and Roz I forgot we are in the same time zone! Hello from Zurich!
The Baby (Luca Haas): [PHOTO: A selfie of Luca Haas with a woman who is clearly his sister at some sort of restaurant]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): wow haasy the family resemblance in your household is STRONG
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Oh is it photo sharing time?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): [PHOTO: A selfie of Wyatt and his wife, Lisa, sitting on a couch.]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): [PHOTO: A selfie of Evan with his daughter, Susie. She’s in a Centaurs onesie.]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): also to answer your question holly lots of guys on the team are dads but in this GC it’s just me, chouinard, and bood.
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): [PHOTO: A selfie of Shane and Ilya on the beach. Both are shirtless and wearing sunglasses. Ilya is making a ridiculous duckface, and Shane is very clearly trying not to laugh]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): jesus christ
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): how do you BOTH have so many abs
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): looking at my summer body and having a panic attack bro i need to get back to the gym STAT
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): it is hard to be so sexy and beautiful yes but we manage
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): [PHOTO: Young on what appears to be a farm somewhere]
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): when i moved to ottawa everyone asked me if i’d be bored and i had to explain to them that wisconsin is the most fucking boring place on goddamn earth
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): dude but cows are awesome
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): spoken like a man who’s never had to milk one
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): “spoken like a man who’s never had to milk one” has got to be one of the craziest texts ever sent in this gc
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [PHOTO: A selfie of LP in front of the DMV]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): also having a stupid boring summer fwiw
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): [PHOTO: A selfie of Holmberg with an older man at a racetrack]
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): dad took me to watch horse races
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): why are we all having boring summers
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): except holly and roz who are in love on a beach like JERKS
The Baby (Luca Haas): I am not having boring summer 😞
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): sorry and haasy
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): [PHOTO: Nick under a pile of three small children. He looks extremely happy to be there.]
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I am also not having a boring summer
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: A selfie of Troy and Harris in a park in the sun]
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Me either.
Reformed Asshole (Troy Barrett): Skill issue, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): we need to take the “reformed” out of your nickname man
Carter Holmberg changed Troy Barrett’s nickname to Still A Bit of An Asshole
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): [PHOTO: Bood holding his son Milo and grinning widely.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): loving this dad shit so far btw
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): shane send a picture you are only one who hasn’t sent
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You already sent one of us though?
El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov): you do not want to show me off :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Fine.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): [PHOTO: A selfie of Shane and Ilya. Shane is smiling at the camera while Ilya kisses his cheek.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): awwwww
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): roz is soft as hell for his man that’s so sweet
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes) changed El Capitan (Ilya Rozanov)’s nickname to Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov)
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): is this meant to be insult?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): because i am not insulted
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you would all be big husband guys if you had husband as perfect and sexy as mine
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): ❤️
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’m gonna feel incredibly single this season aren’t i?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): it’s only august already spiraling about never finding love as pure as holly and roz’s and dying alone
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: Harris in an apple orchard smiling very lovingly at the camera]
Still a Bit of an Asshole (Troy Barrett): Once again: skill issue, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): 🖕
—
Unknown Number
August 12th, 2021 – 2:00pm
Unknown Number: This is an automated reminder of your upcoming appointment with Dr. Kayla Warren, PsyD, on August 19th at 5:30pm. If you have questions, please contact us. Reply Y to confirm, N to cancel.
Shane: Y
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 10th, 2021 - 1:19pm
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): tomorrow training camp begins
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i expect you all be in top shape
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is year we win cup boys
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Roz already on us about the Cup? Hmmm, I wonder why.
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): What could possibly be different this year that has lit a fire under him?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): troy shut up
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I can’t imagine he wasn’t on you about winning the Cup last season too?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): shane at the start of last season we could barely score goals
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): the concept of winning the Cup was entirely foreign to us
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): playoffs felt like a pipe dream
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh. Right.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): But don’t worry, once we became contenders he got really annoying about it really fast
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Big motivational speeches every ten minutes about how we had to make the other team cry
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Beautiful stuff
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): true we really got into it in january huh
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): after we got our secret sauce
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): aka a massive jerk from toronto got traded here and then decided to go on a soul quest to become a better man
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Stop calling it a soul quest, Young. It makes it sound so weird.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): what do you want me to call it
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Honestly, I don’t want you to call it anything at all.
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): But especially not a soul quest.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lame
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it is wild to think of us as cup contenders in the preseason
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): gone are the ottawa centaurs: perpetual losers
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): in are the ottawa centaurs: CHAMPIONS!
—
Ilya ❤️
September 10th, 2021 - 1:49pm
Ilya ❤️: you have gone quiet in the group chat hollander
Shane: Sorry, just focusing on this run.
Ilya ❤️: liar
Ilya ❤️: this is about what dykstra said about last season yes?
Ilya ❤️: about me not being like this at start
Ilya ❤️: it was different last year. centaurs were losing team. energy was not the same.
Shane: And also you were miserable.
Ilya ❤️: shane.
Ilya ❤️: we have talked about this
Ilya ❤️: it was not your fault i was sad
Ilya ❤️: it is just my stupid brain
Ilya ❤️: whatever your stupid brain is telling you is a lie
Ilya ❤️: you did not make me miserable. you were only thing that kept me grounded. only thing that made me happy.
Ilya ❤️: sweetheart? you are still there?
Shane: Sorry. I’m here.
Ilya ❤️: where are you?
Shane: I stopped in the park to sit down for a bit. My breathing got kind of weird.
Ilya ❤️: okay. come home yes? and we can talk. or i will come get you.
Ilya ❤️: maybe you can call kayla?
Shane: We’re scheduled for tomorrow. But yeah, I’ll talk to her about this.
Ilya ❤️: i will not lie and tell you i am not happier now then i was last year. but that is because of you too. you only ever make me happy shane. never miserable. i am happier than i have ever been.
Shane: You make me happy too.
Shane: And I’m happier too. Than I was last year.
Ilya ❤️: it is okay if you are not
Ilya ❤️: or if you still feel complicated about it
Shane: I am happy. I like this team a lot. I’ve always loved Ottawa. But mostly, I love being with you. I am so so happy we ended up here, together.
Ilya ❤️: i’m glad.
Ilya ❤️: all i want is for you to be happy. for us to be happy. mostly you though.
Shane: You being happy makes me happy, Ilya.
Shane: I’m on my way back.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
Ilya ❤️: me and anya are here waiting for you
Shane: ❤️
—
Dr. Kayla
September 11th, 2021 - 7:09pm
Dr. Kayla: Hi Shane! Good talk today. I’ve emailed over those breathing exercises we talked about earlier.
Dr. Kayla: Please feel free to reach out before your next appointment if you have any questions about those, or if you feel like they’re not helping you during your anxiety attacks.
Dr. Kayla: And, again, let me know how it feels trying to add additional cheat days into your current diet plan. If it’s too much to start we can always reconfigure, but I’d like to see how once a week feels just to get a baseline.
Shane: Thanks Kayla. See you in a few weeks!
Dr. Kayla: See you then! 😀
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 19th, 2021 – 10:09am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Holly on the news!! Repping the Cens!!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Thank you for the “great player” shout out dude!
Like A Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah man couldn’t help but notice some names you didn’t say in that section . . .
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): lp when you start getting points then maybe shane will say you are good on television
The Baby (Luca Haas): Wow. . . . to be called good by Shane Hollander . . . a dream come true. . . .
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): haas i say you are good all the time :(
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): face it roz you’re old news
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): kid has a new dad now
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): and that new dad thinks i’m good at hockey 😎
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): so when i say you are good at hockey it is nothing but when shane says it it is special :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, I said it on TV.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): is not fair they would not let me come on tv show with you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): could have been fun segment
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are a package deal now i have marriage certificate to prove it
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): When I met the host she asked if I was going to “swear as much as your husband” so I don’t know if you’re high up on their list for returning guests.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): nobody wants me :(
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): nobody loves me :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sucks to suck.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i get bullied by my beautiful husband in the group chat even after making him gross smoothie he loves for breakfast :(
—
Ilya ❤️
September 19th, 2021 – 10:21am
Shane: I want you and I love you.
Ilya ❤️: you will say this in private but not in public chat :(
Shane: I have a reputation to maintain.
Shane: Only one of us can be known as the big sap.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 19th, 2021 – 10:31am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): [PHOTO: A screenshot of the texts above between Shane and Ilya]
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): PROOF!!
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Roz, was the proof he loved and wanted you not there when he literally married you? Like two months ago?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): no offense whatsoever but as a person who was at your wedding neither of you are ever beating the “big sap” allegations ever again
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): you do this thing where you both stop talking and just look at each other and your faces get so soft and it makes me want to fucking cry every time which is awful because you fucks have been doing it AT PRACTICE
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): that’s so real the odds we end up weeping over the power of love mid game this year are nonzero
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): they’ll have to make up a new penalty
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): two minute minor for being so in love it caused psychological damage to everyone else on the ice
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Careful. Let’s not give Crowell any ideas.
—
Will LaPointe created the group.
Will LaPointe added Luca Haas and Shane Hollander to the group.
Will LaPointe named the group 2nd Line Boiz
2nd Line Boiz
September 28th, 2021 - 4:21pm
Will LaPointe: making a new chat for the BEST OFFENSIVE LINE ON THE GODDAMN CENTAURS RAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Luca Haas: hahahaha
Luca Haas: excited to skate with you both!!! 🙂
Shane Hollander: This team really likes group chats, huh?
Will LaPointe: holly i dont meant to slander your very lovely hometown
Will LaPointe: but there is fuck all else to do here
Will LaPointe: our only option is to yap
Shane Hollander: Seriously? There’s tons to do in Ottawa.
Shane Hollander: Haven’t you lived here for like two years? Do you seriously not do anything on the weekends?
Will LaPointe: i mean, we go to monks
Luca Haas: And Bood’s!
Shane Hollander: Oh my god.
Shane Hollander: Okay, what are you both doing this weekend?
Will LaPointe: holy shit SHANE HOLLANDER is asking me out
Will LaPointe: this is the greatest day of my life
Will LaPointe: even though inevitably your husband will kill me for this in practice next week
Shane Hollander: 🙄
Shane Hollander: We’re going to the National Gallery on Saturday. Captain’s orders.
Shane Hollander: Captain’s husband’s orders.
Shane Hollander: Whatever.
Luca Haas: wow, okay!!!!
—
Ilya ❤️
September 28th, 2021 - 5:19pm
Ilya ❤️: a museum?? such a shane idea of fun
Ilya ❤️: by which i mean: boring
Shane: Wow, it took you longer to hear about that than I thought.
Ilya ❤️: was stuck in meeting :(
Ilya ❤️: you are still taking photos with gen?
Shane: Just wrapped up!
Ilya ❤️: let me drive you home? 😉
Shane: Well, we drove here together so I guess I don’t have much of a choice.
Ilya ❤️: so mean to me
Ilya ❤️: lucky i find it so hot
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
September 28th, 2021 – 5:25pm
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): @Will LaPointe what did i say about saying my husband’s name in all caps
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): tomorrow you will do many drills
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i didn’t even do it in this chat man!!!!!!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): holly how could you sell me out like this
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sorry LP, I’m loyal to one man only.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): Я люблю тебя, моя маленькая ябеда.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): муда́к
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Wait you speak Russian Shane??
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m learning.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holy fuck that’s so sweet
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): that’s it i’m redownloading tinder
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i can’t do this whole season single and watching this shit i just can’t
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): husband called me an asshole and you all think it’s sweet
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Hey, he learned a whole new language to call you an asshole.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That’s love, buddy.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): true.
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
September 30th, 2021 – 10:11am
Harris Drover: Okay back on track with ideas for Shane’s Youtube series!
Harris Drover: I know this technically isn’t my job anymore but I do love thinking of these things and we WILL come up with a good idea I just know it.
Harris Drover: Do you have any hobbies or side interests that could be fun, Shane?
Ilya ❤️: shane is not like me or bood with fun hobbies
Ilya ❤️: shane likes one thing and one thing only
Ilya ❤️: hockey
Ilya ❤️: hockey with hollander simple and easy
Harris Drover: I mean, he plays hockey professionally. Isn’t that a little boring for a YouTube show?
Ilya ❤️: yes just like shane it is perfect
Shane: Fuck off, asshole.
Harris Drover: Sometimes I really can’t believe you married him, Shane.
Shane: Yeah, well, he’s the love of my life.
Ilya ❤️: awwwww ❤️
Shane: Unfortunately.
Ilya ❤️: too late you already said romantic thing i know you don’t mean it
Shane: That said, Ilya’s kind of got a point. I’m not really a hobbies guy.
Harris Drover: Ilya says you read? Maybe we could do a fun book club thing?
Shane: I don’t think I read in a fun book club way.
Ilya ❤️: he reads hockey books
Harris Drover: Wow! You are dedicated.
Ilya ❤️: by which he means: boring
Shane: At some point in this marriage you’re gonna have to get another joke.
Ilya ❤️: this joke has worked for a decade
Ilya ❤️: why change it now
Shane: 🙄
Harris Drover: Oh, wait! You do you yoga, yes?
Harris Drover: Stretching with Shane? Could be fun to take us through your routine!
Ilya ❤️: no
Harris Drover: No?
Harris Drover: Care to elaborate?
Shane: Sorry, Ilya gets weird about the yoga.
Ilya ❤️: the public does not need to see you stretching in your little shorts!
Ilya ❤️: people will see how beautiful and flexible you are and fall in love with you and it will become a problem
Ilya ❤️: they will comment things like “ilya rozanov can you fight” and “ilya rozanov can you handle all that” and “shane hollander leave your husband for me”
Ilya ❤️: and i of course will need to defend myself as your husband and will have to post many shirtless pictures and offer to engage people in duels for your honor and remind them that you married me because i am very hot and amazing in bed and you cannot live without me
Ilya ❤️: will be very complex and messy and will possibly drive harris to an early grave
Shane: Maybe it’s for the best we skip that one, Harris.
Harris Drover: Hm. Okay.
Shane: I actually have an idea.
Shane: Haas and LP mentioned that they don’t really know Ottawa very well, and I realize that a lot of people think of this place as boring.
Shane: Which it isn’t! Since I’m from here and now I’m back maybe we can do something about Ottawa? Like me showing the city off?
Ilya ❤️: shane making his own youtube series be homework
Ilya ❤️: adorable
Shane: I mean, it’s also a subtle way to tell people I actually want to be here.
Shane: I feel like the story is still about how I’m here only because Montreal didn’t want to re-sign me. Like I didn’t have a choice, or whatever.
Shane: But it’s like, screw you: Ottawa is awesome and I love to play in this city and for this team. You know? I want to be here. I love being here.
Harris Drover: As a fellow Ottawa fan: I love this
Harris Drover: I also thought of the name, but you’re going to hate it.
Harris Drover: Hometown Hero with Hollander
Shane: Oh god.
Ilya ❤️: i love it
Ilya ❤️: he is my hero
Harris Drover: If we make playoffs again, I think he’ll be a lot of people’s!
Harris Drover: Alright, I’ll tell Gen! Nothing says you’re officially on the team like a YouTube show!!
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
September 30th, 2021 – 2:19pm
Harris Drover: Wait what did Ilya mean that his joke has worked for a decade?
Harris Drover: Shane? Ilya?
Harris Drover: Alright keep your secrets smh.
Chapter End Notes
if you went back in time to 13 year old me in the TRENCHES on fanfiction dot net and told her one day she'd write a chatfic she'd shoot you with a gun. but here we are. . . writing a chatfic. this fandom has Changed Me.
in my head the ottawa centaurs GC is a whatsapp group but the only app i know that let's you do these nicknames is facebook messenger. . . you are the captain of your own minds and you can visualize the GC how you want babes
there's no easy way to say that this is somehow going to be the longest fic in the series. but i'm nowhere near finished and i can tell you: it is. my goal is to update weekly!
as always my russian is via google translate so feel free to tell me if i fucked it up!
моя любовь - my love
Я люблю тебя, моя маленькая ябеда. - I love you, my little tattletale
муда́к - assholefic title once again is from Desperate Measures by Marianas Trench
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 4th, 2022 – 10:49pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): HAT TRICK HOLLANDER BABY!!!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): mandatory trip to monk’s after you guys are done with media let’s GO
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): shane if you weren’t happily married and i wasn’t happily married and also i was gay i would marry you in a heartbeat
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am happy enough about this win that i will ignore obvious violation of group chat rules dykstra
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Yeah Holly!!!!! First game as a Centaur making MOVES!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Thanks guys! But really, it was a team effort.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): man he’s even media trained in private group chats
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): putting us all to shame
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): wait not to detract from holly’s incredibly sexy hat trick but @Ilya Rozanov what do you mean group chat rules
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): since when do we have rules
Still A Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Why do I have a feeling the answer is going to be “since Shane joined” ?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ding ding ding barrett
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): rule number one: do not say my husband’s name in all caps
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): rule number two: do not imply that you and him would be in romantic relationship in alternate universe
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): dykstra broke second rule
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): well firstly i didn’t even know about that rule until right now
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): and secondly bood opened the text thread with an all caps hollander why aren’t you yelling at him!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good question dykstra
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): bood’s entire sentence was in all caps so he gets a pass
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): context is important
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): more rules will come so start expecting them
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): This isn’t media training! I actually mean it! LP, Ilya and Haas assisting me is literally the only reason I got those goals.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): so you have nothing to say on the group chat rules shane?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): like perhaps a note to your husband telling him to chill out?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I mean, I sort of get the second one. I don’t want any of you implying that about him either.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): man you two really are soulmates
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes ❤️
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): okay i’ve read the rules and i acknowledge them and i’m breaking one anyway
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): because SHANE HOLLANDER just thanked me for helping him get a hat trick
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): two assists today lp as a reward i will let this one go
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but just this one 🔪
—
Ilya ❤️
October 5th, 2021 – 12:23am
Ilya ❤️: not that i am not loving celebrating with team right now
Ilya ❤️: but i see you are nearly done with your wild and crazy second beer
Ilya ❤️: and that hat trick was very very sexy
Ilya ❤️: and i believe it deserves to be rewarded
Ilya ❤️: and you the are one who has made rule about not “traumatizing our teammates”
Shane: You want to get out of here?
Ilya ❤️: yes
Ilya ❤️: please
Ilya ❤️: i know you are drinking out of that beer bottle like that on purpose
Shane: Me drinking beer is doing it for you? You’re that horny?
Ilya ❤️: around you always
Ilya ❤️: around you after you score a hat trick extra always
Ilya ❤️: i showed a lot of restraint not tackling you onto ice after the game and fucking you right then and there
Ilya ❤️: i deserve a reward
Shane: Thought I was the one getting a reward?
Ilya ❤️: i think it will be very rewarding for both of us
Shane: Hmmm, I don’t know.
Shane: Maybe I want a third beer?
Ilya ❤️: alright hollander that’s it
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 5th, 2021 – 12:40am
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): so we’re just gonna ignore roz physically dragging holly from the bar like that lol
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): “okay we are leaving now BYE!” with a VICE GRIP on shane’s wrist lmaooooo
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i can’t get over shane cackle laughing i think that weirdo likes it
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): They’re in love, kids.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): And on the same team after literal years of hiding.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Let ‘em have it.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 5th, 2021 – 2:39pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): man i knew zack bennett was a jerk but come on
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Sorry, what’s this in reference to?
Still A Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): This.
Still A Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): [LINK: ESPN: “Miami Captain Zack Bennett Says Ottawa Loss Was Due to ‘Distracting’ Environment”]
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Oh fuck that guy.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): seriously, distracting??? what did they even do that was distracting
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): besides score more goals lol
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): the comments agree with you lp lol
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): “@burneraccount12: bennett spent the whole game wondering if rozanov and hollander wanted a third and couldn’t score because of that :( it’s not his fault :(“
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): if only they knew how possessive roz was irl they would not even be suggesting someone could be a third in that relationship
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): so true we can’t even say holly’s name in all caps like it deserves
—
Troy Barrett
October 5th, 2021 – 2:45pm
Troy Barrett: Hey, man.
Troy Barrett: Just wanted to check in.
Troy Barrett: I didn’t even realize until I sent the link that you maybe hadn’t seen it and that the group chat is maybe not the best place to, like, deal with it?
Troy Barrett: I know you’re really private.
Troy Barrett: And I know that obviously that privacy has been breached like over and over again.
Troy Barrett: And I don’t know, when I was in the closet this was, like, my worst nightmare.
Troy Barrett: Like other players finding out and being awful about it and saying shit like this.
Troy Barrett: Fuck man I’m really sorry, I wasn’t thinking.
Shane: Woah Troy, slow down.
Shane: I’m still trying to respond to your second message.
Troy Barrett: Shit, sorry.
Shane: It’s fine really. The group chat would have seen it anyway eventually. Bood already had.
Shane: And I’m doing alright.
Troy Barrett: Really?
Shane: I mean, I’m not going to say it’s not shitty.
Shane: It’s obviously shitty.
Shane: But also it’s not the worst thing someone’s since we got outed.
Troy Barrett: Fuck. This sucks. I’m sorry, man.
Shane: Yeah. But, I mean, I know Bennett’s wrong. Which makes the article hurt less, if that makes sense?
Shane: He didn’t lose that game because of anything Ilya and I did.
Shane: We aren’t inappropriate and we weren’t doing anything distracting during that game.
Shane: LP’s right. All we did was score more goals.
Troy Barrett: ESPN pointed out Roz kissed you on the ice. They didn’t, like, say that’s what Bennett meant but they really implied it.
Shane: Yeah, but that happened after we were three goals up already.
Shane: What’s his excuse for those first three goals if that kiss is what threw him off?
Troy Barrett: I guess I sort of expected you to be panicking about this.
Troy Barrett: I mean, I would be.
Shane: Okay, full transparency, I saw the article last night.
Shane: And did panic a little about it.
Shane: But Ilya and I talked after I saw it, which helped.
Shane: And I’ve been seeing a therapist since the summer and her and I talked this morning, which also helped.
Shane: I can’t really control what other people say about me but I can try to control how it makes me feel.
Shane: Or, shit, not control how it makes me feel, just. Be more forgiving of myself for feeling it, maybe? Or more forgiving of myself in general?
Shane: I feel like I’m not saying it right.
Troy Barrett: No, I get what you mean I think.
Shane: It didn’t matter that Ilya kissed me.
Shane: Bennett would have said this shit anyway.
Shane: Because he’s a brainless homophobe trying to come up with an excuse for why his crap team lost in such an embarrassing manner.
Shane: I could be the most well behaved person on Earth and people would still find a way to suggest my relationship is inappropriate and distracting. Not because it is, but because they want to tell that story. And so there’s a part of me that’s kind of like fuck it, right? Like maybe I don’t have to be so well-behaved if it doesn’t really matter?
Shane: I guess I spent a long time thinking that people finding out about me and Ilya would be terrible because it would change how they saw me and they’d stop letting me play hockey and now I feel like maybe if loving Ilya is enough for them to turn on me they were never really with me to begin with.
Shane: Like Montreal, I mean. They turned on me so fast.
Troy Barrett: Which they’re morons for, by the way.
Shane: Yeah. You guys have been so welcoming.
Shane: It’s made me realize that maybe the vibe on Montreal was never all that good to start. I won them three Cups and I still always felt out of place and on edge there.
Shane: And honestly? Being here has made me realize I was kind of lonely there.
Shane: I had, like, two friends and this huge secret I hid from everyone. No one really knew who I was.
Shane: And being out with Ilya has only made me happier.
Shane: When he kissed me on the ice I felt really fucking happy.
Shane: That he loves me. That I have him. That I’m here on this team with him.
Shane: Why would I let Zack Fucking Bennett ruin that for me, right?
Shane: If Bennett thinks that so wrong and awful, then maybe that’s because Bennett is an idiot and not because it is actually wrong and awful.
Troy Barrett: Damn, man.
Troy Barrett: You got all self-actualized over the summer.
Shane: Oh, it’s a work in progress.
Shane: My first reaction was definitely shame and panic.
Shane: But I’m working on it.
Shane: Ilya doesn’t deserve that reaction.
Troy Barrett: Yeah, man, but you don’t deserve it either.
Troy Barrett: You’re really awesome.
Troy Barrett: Like, at hockey obviously, but also just to be around?
Troy Barrett: I can’t believe neither Roz or Hazy warned me you were funny.
Shane: It’s a well kept secret.
Troy Barrett: SUPER well kept.
Troy Barrett: I guess I just mean that you don’t deserve to be treated this way. And I’m sorry that I treated you this way when I was so in the closet myself but I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad we can be friends now.
Troy Barrett: And you don’t deserve this shit.
Shane: Thanks for checking in Troy. But I’m okay. Really.
Shane: Are you?
Shane: I mean, the article was about me and Ilya but it’s about all of us too, in a way. Which sucks.
Troy Barrett: Yeah, man, I’m okay. I’m trying to let myself be happy too.
Shane: Feels kind of awesome right?
Troy Barrett: It feels fucking amazing.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 5th, 2021 – 2:50pm
The Baby (Luca Haas): Is it weird that this made me kind of sad?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): nah, haasy, it makes me sad too
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): like the idea that roz and holly are like distracting or bad or gross is so confusing to me
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i dunno when i married cassie some guys on twitter were saying dumb racist bullshit and i guess this feels kind of similar
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): like why are you talking like you know anything? can you not see how good and awesome this love is?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): No, it definitely sucks. I can’t imagine being that wrong and that loud about it.
Still A Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): Bennett is a fucking idiot.
Still a Bit of An Asshole (Troy Barrett): As a wise man once told me.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Okay, that’s it, nickname change time.
Wyatt Hayes changed Troy Barrett’s nickname to Not An Asshole At All
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Bennett is a total idiot.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Honestly, I just refuse to take this from someone who’s not even that good at hockey.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): LMAO
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you must be THIS good at hockey to talk shit to shane hollander
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): [PHOTO: Ilya Rozanov's player headshot, taken from the Centaurs website]
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i suppose the second three goals we scored were because i gave my beautiful husband light peck on lips but how do you explain first three zack bennet 🤔
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): perhaps this is simply because you play for middle rate team
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i don’t mean this the way it’s going to sound but it’s shocking to me that us, the Ottawa Centaurs, are out here dunking on another team for being middling
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): that’s growth dykstra
The Baby (Luca Haas): I guess I just thought when Scott Hunter came out it would be easier and things would get better.
The Baby (Luca Haas): And instead Shane got kicked off his team for being with Ilya and guys on other teams are going to the press and saying we’re all distracting and bad.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Maybe that was naive of me to think things would change but it really sucks that it hasn’t I guess.
—
Ilya ❤️
October 5th, 2021 – 3:01pm
Shane: Wait, do you think Luca is gay?
Shane: He said “we” in a sort of suspicious way.
Shane: But maybe he meant the Centaurs?
Ilya ❤️: LOL
Ilya ❤️: i cannot believe your broken gaydar finally caught on
Shane: Okay, who taught you the word gaydar?
Ilya ❤️: you wouldn’t believe me
Shane: Harris?
Ilya ❤️: rose landry
Shane: Hah!
Shane: No, I believe that 100%
Shane: Rose is very good at sniffing out gay men.
Shane: As we know.
Ilya ❤️: i am forever thankful she came out for you ❤️
Shane: Anyway, Luca. We don’t say anything, right? We just wait?
Ilya ❤️: yes, i think so
Ilya ❤️: he reminds me of you, maybe
Ilya ❤️: he is scared
Shane: I like to think I would have been less scared on a team like the Centaurs. Versus the Metros. You know?
Ilya ❤️: you probably would have been
Ilya ❤️: but still a little scared, no?
Shane: Still a little scared for sure.
Shane: So, okay, we make him feel welcome and loved and safe and wait until he gets there on his own?
Ilya ❤️: i think so, yes.
Shane: I can work with that.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 5th, 2021 – 3:06pm
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It wasn’t naive, Luca.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Scott DID change things though.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I probably never would have come out if he hadn’t first.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya and I didn’t think we had any shot of really being together until we saw him kiss Kip after the Cup. It changed everything for us.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no one tell scott hunter this though he has big enough ego already
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hush.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): No offense, Roz, but you calling someone else’s ego big is a real pot/kettle thing.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): My point being this stuff sucks, Luca. Bennett is an idiot. And there will be other idiots, on other teams and on the internet and everywhere. And it sucks when they say this stuff, and it’s hurtful.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But they’re not right about us.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I think part of the reason I was so afraid to come out publicly for so long was that I didn’t want being gay to be, like, the main thing about me. But it was always going to be an important thing about me, and hiding it made me unhappy, even if I didn’t really realize it at the time.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But I’m so much happier than now I can be myself in public, it’s sort of crazy?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And part of that is that I realize now that my being out means that more kids like me – in the closet and scared – will see that they can be gay and still play sports and fall in love and live a fulfilling life.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The more of us who come out and live openly, the more things change. And the more teams like ours who are open and supportive and loving the more things change, too. The more kids sign up for the sport who were too afraid to before.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I really think in a decade there will be a lot less Zack Bennett’s and a lot more guys like you all.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But in the meantime I HAVE you all and I am very thankful for it.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And I have Ilya, and I am forever thankful for that.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): So yes it makes me sad too and yes it sucks. But I do think things are changing. Very slowly. But they are. And I am very happy for that. And very happy to be a part of that.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): god fucking damn holly that was beautiful
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i’m not crying it’s just raining on my face
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): oh i’m crying openly. in fact cailtin just asked me WHY I’m crying and i had to tell her it’s because shane hollander said something deeply touching in this otherwise insanely dumb group chat
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): hollander man i hope you know how fucking awesome it is that you are on this team. we all love you.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): FOR REAL. Holly, you’re the fucking BEST!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): and we’re NOT just saying that because roz is obviously so much happier now that you’re here
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): although that’s part of it too
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): no seriously dude like you’re so right and this is fuckign beautiful and man i love this team
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): some of the guys i knew on juniors are on shitty teams and i’m like i get to hang out at bbqs with the fucking best guys i know
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Seriously. Centaurs forever!!!!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 😎 centaurs forever
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Centaurs Forever ❤️
—
Luca Haas
October 5th, 2021 – 10:12pm
Luca Haas: SHane
Luca Haas: thank uyiou
Luca Haas: for nice messages
Luca Haas: sorry i did not saying tnything but i though theta verg nice
Shane: No problem, buddy.
Shane: You alright? You seem a little drunk.
Luca Haas: At monks
Luca Haas: just has to get out ofs house you knwo?
Shane: Yeah, I know.
Shane: Hey, Ilya and I are just about to leave my parents – you need a ride?
Shane: It’s on the way.
Luca Haas: that is os nie
Luca Haas: s onice
Luca Haas: i am sokay
Shane: Seriously, Luca. No issue at all. Let us give you a ride.
Luca Haas: kay
Shane: Have a glass of water, okay? We’ll be there in twenty.
—
Luca Haas
October 6th, 2021 – 10:01am
Luca Haas: Hi Shane.
Luca Haas: Thank you for the ride home yesterday. That was very nice and I really appreciate it.
Luca Haas: Sorry I was so drunk. I guess I forgot to eat dinner.
Luca Haas: I know it’s the start of the season and I should be better about these things. I promise I normally don’t drink like that!
Shane: Hey Luca. And no worries. Like I said, Ilya and I were in the area anyway. We were happy to come by.
Shane: And you’re allowed to drink during the season. I’m not your coach. Or your captain. Or your dad, no matter what Bood says.
Luca Haas: But you never drink during the season?
Shane: Yeah, but I’m famously uptight and boring.
Shane: Ask Ilya.
Shane: And I’ll have you know I had two beers the other night.
Shane: Certified party animal over here.
Luca Haas: 😂
Luca Haas: Well I probably won’t drink that much again.
Luca Haas: Working out hungover does not feel great.
Shane: I’m sure Ilya would have some tips for you if you asked.
Luca Haas: 😂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 7th, 2021 – 12:58pm
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Incredibly wild update here:
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): [LINK: Miami Metro News: “Bennett Clarifies Comments On Season Opener, Says Ottawa Fans Were the Distraction, Not Rozanov and Hollander; Donates $500k To Irina Foundation”]
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, my mom just called.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That’s one of the largest individual donations we’ve had all year.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): woah
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): wonder what caused that change of heart
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane has many sponsors
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): perhaps one of them also sponsors bennett
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): gave him stern talking to
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): said we will side with hotter man and better hockey player and drop your ass unless you apologize
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, maybe.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): You don’t sound too convinced, Hollander.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): $500k is just a lot
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): American dollars too!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I know he’s a millionaire but it feels like a lot to donate just to avoid backlash.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hey maybe he realized he really did just want to be your third and went on a journey of self discovery like troy did
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): well he is not invited into this marriage
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no one is
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but especially not that fucking guy
—
Hayden Pike
October 7th, 2021 – 1:19pm
Shane: Weird question.
Shane: You know anyone who might have Zack Bennett’s number?
Hayden Pike: That is weird.
Hayden Pike: Why do you want to talk to that asshole?
Hayden Pike: Rozanov gonna send a hitman after him?
Shane: He just apologized and donated $500k to the Irina Foundation.
Hayden Pike: Huh.
Hayden Pike: I wonder why.
Shane: So do I.
Shane: Consider this you helping me solve a mystery.
Hayden Pike: Alright. I think one of the guys we got over the summer did a season in Miami, let me ask.
Shane: Thanks.
Hayden Pike: Still on for dinner when you guys come to Montreal later this month?
Shane: Yeah! I’m looking forward to seeing you and Jackie.
Shane: Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy in Ottawa but it’s kind of weird not seeing you every day.
Shane: Sometimes I look up to say something to you and am genuinely shocked it’s Bood standing next to me instead.
Hayden Pike: I can see how you make that mistake considering he and I look so alike.
Shane: Fuck off.
Hayden Pike: You miiiiiiiiss me you can’t tell me to fuck off!
Hayden Pike: I miss you too, man.
Hayden Pike: The vibes on the team are, uh.
Hayden Pike: Not great.
Shane: Yeah. Ilya and I watched your opener at Monk’s. Seemed rough.
Hayden Pike: Yeah, well.
Hayden Pike: I’m not sure most of these guys deserve to have a good season, so whatever.
Hayden Pike: By the way, I told JJ it was, like, a double date thing. You and Roz and me and Jackie.
Hayden Pike: I don’t really know if he bought it, but.
Hayden Pike: To be fair, I think he assumes the person who’s still kind of pissed at him is Roz, not you.
Shane: I mean, Ilya’s not his biggest fan in the world.
Shane: But thanks.
Shane: I know I had him at the wedding and stuff, and I’m glad I did, just.
Shane: I don’t know.
Hayden Pike: You don’t have to explain yourself to me, man.
—
Zack Bennett
October 12th, 2021 – 3:09pm
Shane: Hey, Zack. It’s Shane Hollander. I got your number off of Mike Santori, on the Metros.
Shane: I just wanted to reach out personally to thank you for the donation.
Shane: And to say if you ever wanted to talk, I’d be happy to.
—
Ilya ❤️
October 12th, 2021 – 3:11pm
Shane: Alright, I did it.
Shane: Not that I expect he’ll respond.
Ilya ❤️: you are much nicer person than me
Ilya ❤️: i would have told him to donate at least a million if he wanted to have personal conversation
Shane: That’s not true, and you know it.
Shane: Honestly, I’m just curious. Maybe you’re right about the sponsorship thing, but then I kind of want to know which sponsor, right?
Ilya ❤️: you do love gossip
Shane: Oh, shut up.
Chapter End Notes
troy: shit man, i'm sorry, i realize you maybe didn't see the article and are now having an anxiety attack about it
shane hollander, who's mother has had google alerts set up for him since he was 8 years old and who sees every article about himself approximately 75 seconds after it was posted: oh no worries man i had my anxiety attack about this last night you're goodshane is pretty much the textbook definition of Trying To Get a Good Grade In Therapy, a Thing It Is Normal To Want and Possible To Achieve, and i'm really trying to reflect that in his approach to listening and applying the things kayla tells him. my first shane pov being a chat fic is sort of ridiculous because he's so incredibly interior you just know he's having So Many Thoughts as he sends these texts lol. maybe one day i'll need to give him a more fleshed out POV in this series.
the response to this fic and series has been so so so lovely thank you all for reading and commenting!! i am not a big Reply-er but please know i read all of them and i am truly touched by them <3
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 27th, 2021 – 2:12pm
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): so . . . montreal game coming up boys
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): how we feeling
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): honestly i have a lot less dread facing them this year knowing shane hollander is on our side and not theirs
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): yeah man lmao remember last season when you had that nightmare that shane was your high school hockey coach and he told your mom he was disappointed in you
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): and then you spent the whole game trying to avoid eye contact with him because you were so embarrassed while also trying to make him proud even though he was on the other team? awesome fucking night
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): carter i thought we agreed that story died with us
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i am betrayed!!!!!!!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): . . .
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m not really sure I want to unpack that one Young, I’m not gonna lie.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): that’s fair i truly never ever thought you would know about it so i’m very happy if we simply never talk about that again
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): the important question is: holly, ARE you disappointed in young?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No, I think Mr. Young is an exceptionally bright young man and a great asset to this school’s team.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i can’t believe i’m getting razzed by shane hollander
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you think after a few weeks i’d be used to it but it’s still so surreal i truly never knew you had this level of “being a little shit” in you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i have been trying to tell people for years shane hollander is an asshole and no one ever believed me
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): yeah hard to believe no one ever took the word of the multi year winner of the athletic’s “most punchable player” award seriously when talking about the dude who won two sportsmanship trophies
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Roz when you call him an asshole you say it with total fondness and big hearts in your eyes like a Looney Toon, of course we don’t take it seriously.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): actual picture of roz at all times when discussing shane: 🥰
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): again i fail to see how this is an insult
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): that is how everyone should look when discussing shane
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yet somehow if we did look like that we’d be breaking a new group chat rule, right?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i never said i was not a hypocrite, barrett
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wait to get back to the metros – is it weird i’m not that nervous? lowkey they look messy as hell so far this season
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): anyone see jacobson almost get an own goal the other day lmao
The Baby (Luca Haas): Yes!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Their new center is super slow too, honestly. But I feel like this game might be personal for them?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): yeah it’s gonna be a rough game i think
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): like holly you’d say they’re still pretty pissed, right?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, I think that’s fair.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): They get asked a lot about me when they lose in post game press, usually with the implication that letting me go was a mistake. It’s definitely starting to get to Comeau and Theriault at least.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): you’re watching montreal’s post game press????
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he is scheming
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): last night i woke up in the middle of night to see him watching the metros play the admirals
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): looking like this 🤔
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Forgive me for trying to strategize!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i have easy strategy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we beat them because they are stupid morons who got rid of their best player for no good reason
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): duh
—
Hayden Pike
October 30th, 2021 – 1:19pm
Hayden Pike: [LINK: Montreal Times: Metros Say There Are “No Plans” For Shane Hollander Tribute In Tonight’s Home Game Against Ottawa Centaurs]
Hayden Pike: This is total bullshit, man.
Hayden Pike: Policy change over the summer my ass.
Shane: It’s alright.
Shane: Honestly, I don’t know that I really wanted a tribute anyway.
Hayden Pike: I mean, if anyone has earned one it’s you.
Shane: Sure, but listening to the crowd boo over it the whole time while trying not to look at any of the guys on the bench over there who’ve secretly hated my guts for years and are just jumping with joy that they get to do it out loud now doesn’t really sound fun.
Shane: I feel like my face would do something weird and it’d go viral online instantly.
Hayden Pike: Shit.
Hayden Pike: Honestly, it would probably be a picture of Rozanov looking like he wants to kill every Metros player and fan that would go viral.
Hayden Pike: But yeah, I get your point.
Shane: I remember my time on the Metros and all the good parts of it. That’s enough for me.
Shane: Plus they always pick the worst music for those things.
Hayden Pike: Famously you have such strong opinions on music.
Shane: Shut up.
Hayden Pike: Jackie wants me to tell you she had fun last night. Me too, surprisingly.
Hayden Pike: Even though Rozanov was there.
Shane: I know you two secretly like each other.
Shane: You can try to keep the illusion that you don’t alive but it’s not working.
Hayden Pike: I dunno what you mean, man. I hate that guy. Really looking forward to kicking both your asses tonight.
Shane: No offense, Hayd, but: in your dreams.
—
Wyatt Hayes
October 30th, 2021 – 1:35pm
Wyatt Hayes: Yo! You and Roz both napping right now?
Shane: He is. I’m trying and failing to read a book.
Wyatt Hayes: A little restless?
Shane: You really do see everything, huh?
Wyatt Hayes: Come to my room! Bood and I are gonna find a crappy movie to talk over.
Wyatt Hayes: I think Haas and LP will probably come too, maybe Barrett?
Wyatt Hayes: If you want!
Shane: Yeah, sure, gimme ten, I’ll be over.
—
Ilya ❤️
October 30th, 2021 – 3:04pm
Ilya ❤️: i wake up from nap in cold bed :( no wonderful husband to cuddle with :(
Ilya ❤️: you are okay?
Shane: Yeah, I’m in Hazy’s room watching some deeply awful movie.
Shane: With a few of the guys.
Shane: Couldn’t sleep, didn’t want to wake you up.
Ilya ❤️: hanging out with other men without me :(
Shane: Jealousy doesn’t suit you, baby.
Ilya ❤️: you find it very sexy you can’t fool me
Ilya ❤️: you are nervous about the game?
Shane: Honestly? Not really.
Shane: We can beat them.
Shane: I actually have a strategy I thought I’d run through in the locker room with you guys before the game.
Shane: If that’s alright, Captain.
Ilya ❤️: you know calling me captain makes me horny it is unfair to do it when you are not in the room with me
Ilya ❤️: how much longer in that movie?? we still have time before we need to be ready
Ilya ❤️: you could leave and come back to our room 😈
Shane: Not exactly subtle of us.
Ilya ❤️: we don’t need to be subtle anymore
Ilya ❤️: you married me
Ilya ❤️: everyone knows this
Ilya ❤️: we do not need to sneak around anymore
Ilya ❤️: unless it is for fun 😉
Ilya ❤️: come here and cuddle me and let me suck your cock shane pleaseeeee
Ilya ❤️: you always play better when you have come we both know this
Shane: Jesus Christ.
Ilya ❤️: you are blushing aren’t you?
Ilya ❤️: shane come hereeeee stop watching boring movie
Shane: Fine, fine, you win. Five minutes.
Ilya ❤️: famously all i do is win
Shane: 🙄
Ilya ❤️: 😈
—
Fam Chat
October 30th, 2021 – 9:11pm
Mom: Normally I disapprove of fighting, but in this case I think I can make an exception.
Dad: First bench clear of the season in the whole league! You boys sure know how to make a game fun.
Mom: Please call us when you’re out of medical, Shane, I saw you were still bleeding!
Ilya ❤️: he is getting stitches right now, but all okay
Mom: And you, honey? Cardot got in a nasty hit.
Ilya ❤️: i am fine, yuna. will probably have a black eye and fine from league. worth it though.
Mom: I can’t believe the Metros. What a way to treat the guy who won you three Cups!
Ilya ❤️: some people are assholes
Dad: Isn’t that the truth?
Shane: Hi guys. I’m fine. I’ll call when the game’s done, okay?
Mom: Okay, sweetie. Glad you’re both alright.
Dad: Love you boys.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
—
Hayden Pike and JJ Boiziau
October 30th, 2021 – 10:21pm
JJ Boiziau: Hollander! You okay?
JJ Boiziau: Comeau is a fucking scumbag.
Shane: I’m fine, really.
Shane: A couple of stitches. No big deal.
Shane: Mostly I’m dreading post-game press.
Hayden Pike: Shit. Yeah, those will be some fun questions I bet.
Hayden Pike: Warning you – the Metros let Barseat in the press room this season.
Shane: Wait, seriously?
Hayden Pike: Seriously.
JJ Boiziau: It’s a fucking nightmare man. They ask the stupidest questions. Comeau and Cardot love the guys though.
JJ Boiziau: Connards.
Shane: Shit. Well, I was expecting a couple lightly homophobic questions. Guess now I’ll expect one very explicitly homophobic question as well.
Shane: Thanks, by the way. For what you guys did on the ice.
Shane: I saw you try to stop Cardot from slugging Ilya, JJ.
JJ Boiziau: Of course.
JJ Boiziau: You are still our Capitaine. Would be wrong to let your husband get his shit wrecked on our watch.
Hayden Pike: The team has gone full moron since you left.
Hayden Pike: It’s like they’ve really convinced themselves you weren’t a pivotal part of the team and actually secretly sucked the whole time.
Shane: They’ve convinced themselves I was a traitor who threw playoff games the whole time.
Shane: Nevermind the three Cups we won.
Hayden Pike: Like I said. Morons.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
October 30th, 2021 – 11:48pm
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): okay so are we just not gonna talk about the press conference
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): because @Ilya Rozanov @Shane Hollander what do you mean you’ve been together since your ROOKIE FUCKING SEASONS????????
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Sorry man I think most of us are still holding ice packs to various parts of our bodies after the BRAWL we were all in so our hands are too occupied to text about the details of Roz and Holly’s love life.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): skill issue barrett i can text with one hand
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): there’s a jerking off joke in there somewhere but jacobson punched me so hard i can’t make it happen in my brain
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): dude missed his calling he sucks at hockey but would be an insane mma fighter what the goddamn fuck
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Young, you’re not concussed, right?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): In fact, no one here is concussed and then using their phones, right???
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): he’s not concussed he’s just kinda dumb i promise
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): mostly we’re just bruised up holly, no worries
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): thanks for checking in dad
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): What did I say about calling me dad?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you want us to stop calling you dad stop being such a dad 🤷
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): 🙄
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do not worry young shane uses eyeroll emoji the way other people use hearts
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): secretly he is very fond of being second team dad
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You shut up.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Seriously, though, I cannot believe you guys cleared the bench.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): ????? comeau hit you in the face like you were a pinata and he was a sugar high nine year old we were NOT gonna let that stand man
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): normally i’m a peaceful guy but in this case i fear violence had to be met with violence
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I mean, the league will probably fine you guys.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane we don’t care about that!!!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah they had to get the spider-man (2002) lesson
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): you mess with one of us you mess with all of us
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): ooooh okay next movie night we should watch spider-man
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): FUCK yeah.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): guys let’s stay on track here: fuck the metros
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): seriously man fuck the metros
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): fuck the metros.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPoine): fuck those fuck ass metros!!!!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): FUCK the metros.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): FUCK THE METROS!!!!!!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what they said
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): okay before we grill roz and holly for relationship details because bet we WILL be doing that: holly how’s your face
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): still perfect ❤️
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m fine. Four stitches, nose isn’t broken. I’m out a couple games until the stitches come out, though.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Shit. How many?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): At least three. Probably back on the ice when Nashville’s in town.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Dang, that sucks. They sending you back to Ottawa early?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Nah, Wiebe wants me in Buffalo. He said something about my presence in the locker room “ boosting team morale.”
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Although I have a feeling it’s less “team” and more “one particular member of the team.”
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): no clue who you could be talking about holly
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): really? none of you have noticed how much better bergy plays when hollander is around? for shame
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): ha ha LP
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): which i mean SARCASTICALLY btw
The Baby (Luca Haas): I think the whole team prefers you around Shane! 🙂
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): sure, but roz prefers it the MOST 😉
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane and i spent almost a decade being together for hours at a time at most. forgive me if i prefer sharing a room with him and having him around on road trips! it is ROMANTIC!
The Baby (Luca Haas): I still cannot believe it’s been a decade.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Yeah, wait, if you guys were together for a decade what was with Ilya’s reputation as a ladies man? And your whole thing with Rose Landry, Shane? PR?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, we weren’t exclusive the whole time.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And Rose was my last attempt at not being gay, really.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it did not work
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No shit.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): so while roz slept with like 45% of the female population of boston massachusetts and holly got with an actual literal movie star you were both also secretly behind the scenes sleeping together and falling in love and pining after each other????
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yeah pretty much
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Nailed it.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): god life is so much better when you’re crazy hot i guess
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): like “sorry let me take a break from sleeping with my incredibly handsome arch rival who’s also my soulmate to bag an actual movie star while i figure out if i’m gay or not” fuck you shane hollander
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): careful lp
The Baby (Luca Haas): Are you telling him to be careful of calling Shane hot or saying “fuck you” to Shane?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes 😡
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I sense a new group chat rule incoming.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I really can’t get over how sweet this is.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You two meeting up in secret and slowly falling in love over the course of years? Thinking you could never be together and then realizing it was worth it to try?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Texting each other in secret from different countries! Yearning in silence!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That’s beautiful.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it was.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it was also pretty difficult.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I definitely prefer the openly married and out part to the secret yearning in private part.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But I wouldn’t change anything, because it got us here.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ❤️
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): now i’m picturing baby roz and holly like mr krabs and spongebob in that one episode where spongebob goes to work at the chum bucket
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it’s just a greasy spoon . . . . without you . . . . .
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay, now you’ve lost me.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): you’ve never seen spongebob??????
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’ve SEEN Spongebob, I just fail to see how it relates to this situation even a little bit.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Amazing stuff, Young. Roz and Holly’s secret decade long relationship managed to hold your attention for all of twenty texts before you started talking about Spongebob.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Might be a record.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): he’s not even kidding shane when troy told us he was gay it took less than five minutes for young to bring spongebob up
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): god forbid i appreciate ART
—
JJ Boiziau
October 30th, 2021 – 11:51pm
JJ Boiziau: Hollander. I saw the press conference.
JJ Boiziau: I wanted to say sorry again.
JJ Boiziau: I have a lot of regrets for the way I acted.
JJ Boiziau: Mostly I regret that I was not there when you needed me.
JJ Boiziau: I was a shit friend, Capitaine. I made it about myself and I doubted you. It was unfair and wrong.
JJ Boiziau: That last text you sent to me and Hayden. I know that is how you feel about me, too. That I was a moron. And I was.
JJ Boiziau: I know you are still angry with me. I know I deserve it. I wish I knew how to fix it.
Shane: It’s alright, JJ.
JJ Boiziau: It is not. I know it is not. You don’t have to pretend it is.
JJ Boiziau: Perhaps the pretending is hurting more than it is helping.
Shane: Yeah. Okay.
Shane: It sucked.
Shane: I do mostly forgive you. Really. But there’s a part of me that’s still hurt. Really hurt. And I don’t really know how to get over that.
Shane: I took it for granted you’d have my back. It felt like
Shane: I don’t know.
Shane: A betrayal, I guess.
Shane: My therapist told me it’s probably a “give it some time” thing. Heals all wounds or whatever.
JJ Boiziau: Therapist?
Shane: Yeah. She’s been helping a lot.
JJ Boiziau: That’s good.
JJ Boiziau: And Ottawa is good to you?
JJ Boiziau: You seem really happy. Happier than you ever were in Montreal.
Shane: I am.
Shane: Honestly, I don’t think I realized how fucked up everything was until I got out.
Shane: The culture on the Metros was so toxic. It made me so much more afraid.
JJ Boiziau: I suppose I did not help.
Shane: I mean, you were great about the gay thing.
Shane: Just not the Ilya thing.
JJ Boiziau: Yeah. I guess I was shocked? I don’t know.
JJ Boiziau: Everything I can say sounds like a bad excuse. I do not want to make excuses anymore.
JJ Boiziau: It was wrong. I understand why you had to hide it. I should not have been angry and cruel about it.
Shane: No. You shouldn’t have.
JJ Boiziau: I still cannot believe you have been with him since you were rookies.
JJ Boiziau: You told me it was eleven years but. Still.
Shane: Yeah. I’ve been in love with him for most of my life.
Shane: Honestly, I’m not even sure who I’d be without him. When you think about it, we kind of became adults together.
Shane: I meant it when I say he’s made me a better person.
Shane: I think that’s what I can’t get over. You just hated him so much. Like you thought he was this awful person and he’s not. He’s the sweetest man I’ve ever met.
Shane: And even when I tried to tell you that you didn’t really believe me. You thought I’d been, like, suckered into this relationship.
Shane: I made all of my own choices. I chose him. I’ll always choose him.
Shane: And I couldn’t believe that you thought I would ever cheat at hockey. Ever. I still can’t.
Shane: It’s like I became someone else in your head. You stopped seeing me as your friend Shane and as, like, some sort of lying, deviant freak.
JJ Boiziau: I guess I did.
JJ Boiziau: I was angry about losing. I wanted to blame something.
JJ Boiziau: I wanted to blame Rozanov. But blaming Rozanov meant blaming you. That was unfair.
Shane: Blaming Ilya was unfair too.
Shane: JJ, honestly? I don’t think I can be friends with someone who hates my husband.
Shane: No, I know I can’t be friends with someone who hates my husband.
Shane: It took Hayden some time, but he got over it. He and Ilya are friends now, even if they both pretend they aren’t. He tried, you know?
Shane: I need you to try, too. If you can’t get over it, we can’t be friends. That’s it.
JJ Boiziau: I am working on it.
JJ Boiziau: Perhaps it would be easier if we actually hung out.
JJ Boiziau: Pike is not the best liar. “Double date” was a bit weak.
Shane: Yeah. I’m sorry. It was just this game was already so stressful. I couldn’t handle adding anything else on top of it.
Shane: Come to Ottawa some free weekend. We’ll get dinner.
Shane: Or we’ll do something at the All-Star Game.
JJ Boiziau: I would like that.
JJ Boiziau: I am glad you’re happy Shane. You deserve it.
Shane: Thanks, JJ.
Shane: Sorry Montreal is so awful.
JJ Boiziau: Yeah. Not so fun. But it will either get better or I will leave. Simple enough.
JJ Boiziau: I hear Boston needs some depth.
Shane: Hah! You would actually unseat me as Montreal public enemy #1.
JJ Boiziau: A bit of penance, perhaps! 😉
Shane: Well don’t cut and run before you have to.
Shane: If anyone can fix a shit culture it’s you and Hayden.
JJ Boiziau: I appreciate that, Capitaine.
JJ Boiziau: We’ll work on it.
—
Coach Wiebe
October 31st, 2021 – 4:19pm
Coach Wiebe: Comeau’s only getting a one game suspension.
Coach Wiebe: Which, for the record, I think is bullshit. The team’s going to lodge a complaint with the Office of Player Safety. He’s a danger to others.
Shane: You really don’t have to do that. I’m pretty sure the only player he’s a danger to is me.
Coach Wiebe: Which is one player too many.
Coach Wiebe: You’re an important part of this team, Hollander. We’re gonna stand up for you.
Shane: Thanks, Coach. I appreciate it.
—
Scott Hunter
October 31st, 2021 – 5:19pm
Scott Hunter: Hollander. How are you holding up? I saw the fight on TV.
Scott Hunter: A one game suspension for that kind of behavior is insulting.
Scott Hunter: Should we make a statement? Say the league needs to protect players?
Shane: I don’t think this is exactly statement worthy.
Scott Hunter: A player hit you in the face with a high stick because he hates that you’re gay.
Shane: Hey, maybe he just hates that I’m way better at hockey than him.
Shane: We can’t know what’s in his heart.
Scott Hunter: Shane, don’t be ridiculous.
Scott Hunter: You got chased out of Montreal! They went to the press and spread rumors about you! They lied about you throwing a playoff game! They were very clearly aggressive last night!
Shane: Scott.
Scott Hunter: All things that you’re aware of.
Scott Hunter: Kip says you’re fucking with me. With the “what’s in his heart” thing.
Shane: I think it’s called “a joke.”
Scott Hunter: Funny man Shane Hollander. Who knew I’d see the day?
Shane: Comeau’s an asshole. But save your statements for something important. The Metros really aren’t worth it, I promise.
Shane: If they keep playing like this they’ll miss playoffs.
Scott Hunter: Think we should save all our statements for teams that actually compete?
Shane: Oh yeah.
Shane: You gotta knock out the competition statement by statement. How else are you gonna win playoffs?
Shane: Considering you probably need double knee replacement surgery, old man.
Scott Hunter: Why couldn’t you have made him more like you instead of the other way around?
Shane: I’ve always been this way, Scott.
Shane: Just used to be a big secret.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
November 4th, 2021 – 12:03pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Holly, genuine question.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Was Theriault always this much of an asshole? Or did you break his brain when you left his team?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): [LINK: Montreal Times: “Coach Theriault Says Suspension On Comeau Was ‘Ridiculous’ in Post-Game Interview in Boston”]
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You know, at the time I thought he was just a normal hockey coach doing normal hockey coach things.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Calling us names, blaming us individually for losses, saying we were “weak ass pansies” who needed to “learn how to skate like men.”
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But having met Wiebe I’m starting to think that yeah, he might just be a huge asshole.
The Baby (Luca Haas): He used to call you names???
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Man, it must be so nice for the only professional team dynamic you know to be the Ottawa Centaurs.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Completely unrealistic view of what 99% of teams are like.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Seriously.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): guys please never let me get traded i’m begging
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): oh theriault is OBSESSED with you holly
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): “i hate shane hollander so much i hate his pretty face and nice freckles and how good he is at hockey and i printed out a picture of his face and i put it in a locket i wear around my neck during the day and put next to my pillow when i sleep so i can remember how much i hate him and i think about how much i hate him every game i play when he’s not on the ice and i wonder how he’s doing and if he’s thinking of me do you think he’s thinking of me???”
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Okay, no way Roz isn’t adding “no mentioning Shane’s freckles” to the group chat rules
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes normally but that was very funny lp so it is okay
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane spat his water out
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wow i made SHANE HOLLANDER laugh
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): don’t push your luck
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): sorry cap
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): [LINK: Spotify: Obsessed by Mariah Carey]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): the metros organization re: holly
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): dykstra sending normal music in the chat??? is it apocalypse???
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): fuck off roz!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): seriously though what does this dude even mean that you can’t take hits
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i saw you get your whole fuckin collarbone broken in a game once
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we do not discuss that incident 😡
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I was fine, remember? And that hit was like 95% my fault anyway.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i just mean saying shane can’t take hits is like saying he doesn’t skate fast or can’t shoot accurately. it’s just fundamentally untrue. anyone with eyes knows it’s not true
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): right, that hit wasn’t illegal because shane’s gay, it’s illegal because it’s literally in the rulebook that you can’t do shit like that
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ah, but it’s not illegal in the rulebook they made especially for gay players.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Rule #1: don’t talk about being a gay player
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Rule #2: don’t talk about being a gay player
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Rule #3: it’s okay for everyone on ice to target and try to hurt you specifically and if you say it isn’t you’re breaking rules #1 and #2.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): And that’s basically all the rules.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i know you two are kidding but it really wouldn’t shock me if crowell did some shit like that
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): seriously get that guy a handlebar mustache he can twirl while he ties a damsel to the railroad tracks amirite boys?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): like what are the odds that at some point he tries to like ban hugging during cellies but just for roz and holly
The Baby (Luca Haas): He couldn’t actually do that, could he?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): probably not haasy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane already threatened to sue him once. i imagine he does not want to risk that actually happening
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You threatened to sue Crowell?????
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He had it coming.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he tried to tell us we could not get married
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): ????????
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i think he has a vast misunderstanding of how powerful the mlh commissioner is if he thinks he can control that
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh, your agent didn’t have to get your marriage to Cassie pre-approved by the league?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): no, but that’s just because we got the paperwork filed just ahead of the marriage deadline
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it was a very strange meeting
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he wanted us to say we were pranking hayden pike
The Baby (Luca Haas): Pranking? What kind of prank is that?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): EPIC PRANK: Me and My Bro PUNK Our Other Bro By Falling Slowly In Love Over The Course Of a Decade and Getting Married NOT CLICKBAIT!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do not imply me and hayden pike are “bros”
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): 🙄
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Woah this is a lot of texts
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Last time I leave my phone in the car when I’m taking the kids to the doctor I guess
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): What did I miss??
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): the epic prank of love
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): ????
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Don’t ask.
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
November 5th, 2021 – 9:49am
Harris Drover: Hey you two!
Harris Drover: In light of Theriault's recent (very shitty!!) comments, the team and I have been chatting.
Harris Drover: Shane, what do you think about us posting a video of some of your highlights as a Centaur? With a potentially snarky caption?
Harris Drover: A little show of support? If you think it’s too antagonistic we won’t do it.
Shane: No, I think that’s fine!
Shane: I think I’m over my era of “trying not to be antagonistic,” really.
Ilya ❤️: i am always pro being antagonist 😈
Harris Drover: Reputation Era Shane, I love it!
Shane: ?
Harris Drover: You know what, I should have expected you wouldn’t know that one really.
Harris Drover: That’s on me.
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
November 5th, 2021 – 5:26pm
Shane: Harris, when you said “a video of some of my highlights” I didn’t think you meant a thirst trap!
Shane: I thought you meant like a regular hockey video! Not a sexy hockey video!
Harris Drover: Shane I don’t know how to tell you this (and Ilya please don’t kill me for saying it) but there is no such thing as a video of you playing hockey that isn’t sexy
Harris Drover: You are a beautiful man who plays hockey very well. It’s always going to look sexy. There’s just no way around it! It’s not my fault!
Ilya ❤️: harris has a point shane
Ilya ❤️: there is a reason cosmo keeps naming you sexiest hockey player
Ilya ❤️: and a reason all those brands want you to sell their product in nothing but underwear
Ilya ❤️: it cannot be helped. all photos of you are thirst traps. it is simply how it is.
Shane: Oh my god.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
November 5th, 2021 – 5:32pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): @Evan Dykstra I’m conducting a wellness check! Has Roz killed you yet?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wait why is roz killing ev
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): God, I forgot none of you youths use Instagram anymore.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Besides Luca.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): tiktok all the way old man
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): He commented this on the official account’s Shane Thirst Trap
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): [LINK: Comment on Instagram: @EvanDykstra: goddamn man i’m straight and married but @ilyarozanov81 you might have to look out]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): gasp
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): a flagrant violation of group chat rules
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): GROUP CHAT rules. he never said those were rules OUTSIDE of the group chat!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): your attempts at finding a loophole are not appreciated dykstra
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): these are TEAM rules both in and out of group chat
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am having them printed and laminated and hung in locker room
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You are absolutely not doing that.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): okay fine
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but i am writing down all instances of rule breaking in my notebook and remembering them for future practices
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh my god.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i can feel shane’s hair turning gray from all the way over here
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): you guys are putting his sponsorships at risk by making him prematurely gray!!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): I don’t know that going grey would affect Shane’s sponsors!
The Baby (Luca Haas): I think you will look very dashing with grey hair Shane!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): okay now you are all breaking rules on purpose
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hey there’s no official rule about not calling shane handsome! you never codified it! troy made a joke about it but you did not confirm nor deny
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i would know, i have the official rules right here
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [PHOTO: A piece of paper stuck to a fridge with a magnet version of the Ottawa Centaurs logo. A list is written on it in sharpie. The list reads:
GROUP CHAT RULES:
- No saying Shane’s name in all caps
- No implying you and Shane would be in a romantic relationship in an alternate universe
- No mentioning Shane’s freckles unless it’s in a funny way
At the bottom of paper are two stick figures – one is wearing a #24 jersey and smiling and one is wearing a #81 jersey and scowling]
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You wrote those out and hung them on your FRIDGE?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah man how else am i supposed to remember them
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): amazing initiative lp
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i will buy gold star stickers just to give you one for this
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): 🤩
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): This team is so fucking weird.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): yeah and you love us 😎
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No comment.
Chapter End Notes
realistically a handful of stitches probably wouldn't get shane removed for a game but these guys like never ever missing any games always cracks me up so i took shane out for a sec (also to heighten the DRAMA of course)
i find it very funny the way parts of this fandom characterize shane the way we in real life used to characterize new england patriots quarterback tom brady (they lock him in a room and only let him come out to play football/hockey) but i do think as a person who is vaguely shane's age irl (four years younger than him) that he's seen spongebob. it was sort of hard to miss spongebob for awhile there. (do i think he LIKED spongebob? entirely different essay) i also think shane has played hockey long enough that he's not awful at chirping but he is for some reason really really bad at chirping scott hunter specifically. maybe that's respect for your elders? scott of course does immediately make a statement anyway bc he's scott and that's just what he does
i have so many feelings about jj and most of them are "i think shane should have been angrier for longer." my one dream for unrivaled is we get to see shane be well and truly pissed off for a bit. they have wronged my man let him pick some fucking fights!
single translation note in this chapter: connards is french for "assholes." it's french-french, which for some reason jj does seem to use in both the book and the show, so i kept that here. (there WILL be quebecois in this story bc i love quebecois swearing lol)
CENTAURS FOREVER
December 10th, 2021 – 10:21am
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): [LINK: MLH.com: “Vote Now For Your All-Star Game Captains!”]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): yoooo check out @Ilya Rozanov and @Shane Hollander leading the charge!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Woah, a Hollander/Rozanov All-Star Game? This is so different from every other year!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Ugh, Zack Bennett though 🙄
The Baby (Luca Haas): I know he donated a lot of money but I still think he is a jerk
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do not worry luca shane and i will use our combined hockey powers to knock him out of all star game quickly
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): so is the all star game . . . fun?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): like it looks fun but i tell myself every year it probably sucks to make myself feel better about almost certainly never going
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is fun yes
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what! i am not going to lie
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You could be a little nicer about it.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you like it too!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sure, it’s fun. Really the part I always liked most was seeing you, though.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): я тебя люблю
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): my favorite part was also seeing you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and beating you in competitions!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Not the speed competition though
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it. was. basically. a. tie.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You know, last year I interrupted a version of this exact conversation.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I told them they didn’t have to sit together.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Little did I realize it was flirting.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i know we’re all monday morning quarterbacking here but man how did we all miss that it was flirting the whole time
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): once you know it’s like the most obvious flirting ever
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes, that was part of the reason i could not say i was bisexual
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): makes things more obvious
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yeah, not too hard to put together once you have the pieces.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Although you didn’t help things by literally running away from the conversation when I asked about Hollander after you came out to me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i did not want to ruin our sensitive heart to heart by lying! I was being nice! we were not ready to tell people yet!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I wasn’t ready to tell people yet. Ilya was extremely ready.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): If it makes you feel any better Troy, Ilya would have probably told you if he hadn’t thought you knowing would give me an anxiety attack.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Nah, I get it. It must have all been really complicated.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Anyway, to answer your question LP the All-Star Game is kind of weird.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Parts of it are fun but it can be kind of annoying if you’ve got good momentum as a team heading into it?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And in past years you’d have to see Dallas Kent, which was always a massive downside.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): So I guess this year it will be a little better because of no Dallas Kent at least.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Maybe they’ll let him play a pick-up game in jail.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): For old times sake.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he does not deserve even jail hockey
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): True.
—
Fam Chat
December 10th, 2021 – 7:19pm
Mom: Have either of you ever heard of a blog called Mr. Hockey?
Mom: Or sorry, it’s called the Free Skate Hockey Blog.
Shane: Can’t say I have.
Ilya ❤️: no does not ring a bell
Shane: Why?
Mom: Beka Parks at CCM just told me about it. I’d never heard of it either.
Mom: He has a story that MLH is considering changing the All-Star Game Rules.
Mom: [LINK: Free Skate Hockey Blog: “RUMOR: Crowell Looking Into CHANGING All-Stars Qualification Rules After Opening of Fan Voting”]
Ilya ❤️: Ублюдок
Dad: Do I want to ask what that one means?
Shane: Probably not.
Dad: Do we think this Mr. Hockey is right?
Mom: I mean, he doesn’t have any evidence or legitimate cited sources. It could just be clickbait.
Shane: Yeah.
Shane: But it sounds like something Crowell would do.
Shane: I believe that he thought I wouldn’t make the cut after the whole Trip thing.
Shane: I didn’t expect to get in via the fan vote either, and I assume I’m not on MLH’s shortlist of guys to go after that.
Ilya ❤️: crazy
Ilya ❤️: normal fans love you
Ilya ❤️: is only montreal idiots who think you are not still second best player in league
Shane: Thanks, Ilya.
Shane: My point is that Crowell wanted us to fade into the background, wanted our relationship to stop being a story. Another Hollander vs Rozanov All-Star Game definitely isn’t doing that.
Dad: Can he even change the rules after the voting has started?
Shane: I mean, he's the league. I think he can do what he wants on this one. But people will notice.
Shane: He’s never done anything to come across as openly homophobic. All his homophobia happens behind closed doors.
Shane: Even if he frames it differently, it’d be pretty obvious that this rule change is because of us.
Mom: It would be incredibly stupid of him to do.
Ilya ❤️: does not mean he will not do it
Mom: No. No it doesn’t.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
December 11th, 2021 – 11:22am
The Baby (Luca Haas): [LINK: MLH.com: “Updated Rules Pertaining To The 2021-2022 All-Star Game”]
The Baby (Luca Haas): What???
The Baby (Luca Haas): Can they even do this??
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’m at the gym and siri is reading these texts to me what does that link say
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): They changed the rules of the All-Star Game so only one player from a team can go.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): the fuck
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): for reference, bergy said that out loud and then “siri send” which was deeply stupid to hear
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): he sounded really indignant though
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I appreciate that, Holmes.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): so they did this just to stop you two from both being captains?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it would seem so, yes
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but also screws over many players from many teams
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): annoying
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Crowell is deranged.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): He’s got to understand how petty and stupid this makes him look, right?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I think he’s focusing on sending a message to me and Ilya and not really caring about how it makes him look.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): does he think he’s the godfather or something??
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Honestly, he might.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): So which one of you will go do you think? Roz was leading the votes, but that could change, especially if other people think this rule change is crap like we do.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): neither of us
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): What?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We’re working on a statement but, yeah, we’re both going to pull out of contention.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): seriously?????
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): wait can’t you get suspended for that?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): just one game, no big deal
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Technically, per the new rules, only one of us should be suspended because only one of us would have qualified, but I have a feeling they’ll suspend us both.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We’re talking about it with Wiebe, but one of us will probably take the game before the break and the other the game after.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i keep saying we should take same game for suspension and go on mini vacation but shane tells me this is “not good teamwork”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i tell him team would want me to have nice night with my husband and he does not believe me
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): roz buddy i want you have a nice night with your husband but i would transparently probably like to win a hockey game more.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I respect your dedication, Dykstra.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): :(
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I still can’t get over both of you not going.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): When was the last time an All-Star Game didn’t have Hollander and Rozanov there?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): when did you guys get drafted again?
The Baby (Luca Haas): 2009
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): so: that was the last time
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I mean, we were prospects for a year. And Ilya’s missed it before for personal reasons. But yeah, basically.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Like I said, I’m pretty sure Crowell’s sending a message to us. “I told you to shut up or there’d be consequences.”
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But two can play at that game.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i have been saying: we are a package deal now
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): besides it is not fair to rest of you for me or shane to go if only one centaur can
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Totally. Hazy’s the leading goaltender in the fucking league right now. More shutouts than anyone else.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Aw shucks, you’re making me blush.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Haasy is in the top fifteen in the scoring race, Bood’s fourth in the league in assists, Troy’s gotten three shorthanded goals this season, Dykstra has an insane plus/minus, and there hasn’t been a goal scored while Chouinard’s on ice in seven straight games. And LP, Young, and Holmes are all improving massively and likely to be in these conversations in a year, if not by the end of this season.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Wait is that actually true about me? How did I not know that about myself?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): holly do you have all our stats memorized?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is shane’s love language
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): even before he said i love you i knew he was falling for me when he’d chirp me about faceoff statistics at center ice ❤️
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): My point is that you guys all deserve to be there.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya and I can sit it out for a year.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Still, feels shortsighted on the league’s part.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): The All-Star Game is boring. People tune in to see the big name stars. That’s you guys. Without you no way they’re getting that many viewers, right?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): crowell is a fucking moron
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): figured we would make this big fight for who gets to go
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are competitive, yes, but we are united front. he does not get to split us up.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No way.
—
Hayden Pike
December 11th, 2021 – 11:39am
Hayden Pike: Dude, I’m so sorry.
Hayden Pike: It’s fucking bullshit.
Hayden Pike: Crowell is an asshole.
Shane: It’s fine, Hayd.
Shane: Ilya and I talked and we’re both okay skipping it.
Hayden Pike: Seriously?
Hayden Pike: You’ve never missed an All-Star Game man.
Hayden Pike: You’ve gone every year since you were a rookie.
Shane: I mean, Ilya’s been voted in every year, too.
Hayden Pike: Yeah but that’s different.
Shane: How?
Hayden Pike: I don’t know, it just is?
Hayden Pike: I never got the feeling he cared as much about stuff like this I guess.
Hayden Pike: Like, he skipped it before right?
Shane: Yeah, for a funeral. That’s pretty specific circumstances.
Hayden Pike: I mean, I dunno, he went to Ottawa for you even though they sucked. You obviously matter to him more than hockey. I guess it makes sense to me that he’d skip this for you.
Shane: He matters to me more than hockey too, you know.
Shane: He’s my fucking husband.
Hayden Pike: Shit. I don’t think I’m saying this right. It’s not an insult on Roz or anything, I swear.
Hayden Pike: I just mean you shouldn’t feel like you can’t go because he’s not going.
Hayden Pike: Like, I don’t know, you don’t have to give stuff up just to make him happy.
Shane: Not going was my idea.
Shane: If we left it up to the public vote he’d probably beat me.
Shane: I told him to go. I told him he’d have fun.
Shane: He said he didn’t want to go without me.
Shane: And you know what? I’m okay not going because I don’t want to go without him either.
Shane: The only part of the All-Star Weekend I’ve really ever loved is playing with him. Competing against him. The rest of it doesn’t matter.
Shane: And honestly, being in a relationship means sometimes you do have to sacrifice stuff for each other. God knows he gave up a lot for me. He quit smoking. He left Boston. He can never go back to his fucking country.
Shane: Maybe I do owe some of that back.
Shane: Don’t you give up stuff for Jackie? She’s given up a hell of a lot for you, I’m sure.
Hayden Pike: Shit. You’re pissed.
Hayden Pike: Can I call you? I feel like I said this all wrong. I really didn’t mean to upset you.
Shane: No.
Shane: Maybe later. But yeah, I’m pissed. I don’t really want to talk right now.
Shane: The All-Star Game is bullshit. Crowell is an asshole and he doesn’t deserve to make a cent off of me or Ilya. There are a million reasons I’m happy to not go, not the least of which is that I don’t want to stand in front of cameras and get paraded around like a show horse for people who think my relationship is disgusting and that I’m an embarrassment to the league except when they can make fucking money off of me.
Shane: Ilya isn’t making me not go. I’m letting myself not go because I don’t want to. For the first fucking time in my whole career I’m doing the things I want to do instead of all the dumb bullshit I hate that’s expected of me. That’s it.
Hayden Pike: Shane, seriously. I didn’t mean any of that how it sounded. I’m really sorry.
Hayden Pike: You’re right, it is bullshit. It’s unfair to you and to Ilya.
Hayden Pike: I feel like I can say this better out loud.
Shane: It’s fine. We’ll talk later, okay?
Hayden Pike: Okay, man.
—
Dr. Kayla
December 11th, 2021 – 12:04pm
Shane: Hey. Do you happen to have some time to fit me in today or tomorrow? Not an emergency or anything.
Dr. Kayla: Hi Shane! I saw about the All-Star Game online, I had a feeling you might want to chat today. I’m free at 2pm, does that work for you? We can Facetime?
Shane: Yeah, that’s great. Thanks.
—
Ilya ❤️
December 11th, 2021 – 3:09pm
Ilya ❤️: you are feeling better?
Shane: Yeah.
Shane: Dr. Kayla has informed me that my anger is, in fact, “justified” and “completely normal” and that I’m not a horrible monster for getting pissed off at my friend when he says something shitty, even if he doesn’t really mean it.
Ilya ❤️: i agree
Ilya ❤️: and not just because you are very sexy when you are angry
Shane: You always think I’m sexy.
Ilya ❤️: yes. but pissed off shane is near and dear to my heart.
Ilya ❤️: reminds me of when we were young
Shane: That’s weirdly very sweet.
Ilya ❤️: i am always sweet for you my моя конфетка
Shane: Candy?
Ilya ❤️: very good!
Ilya ❤️: anyway pike is a fucking idiot
Ilya ❤️: he texted me btw
Ilya ❤️: to apologize to you
Ilya ❤️: and also to me
Shane: Oh god.
Shane: I should call him I guess.
Ilya ❤️: ehhhh you can let him stew a bit longer
Ilya ❤️: maybe he will send apology chocolates or something
Shane: Hah hah.
Shane: I should let him off the hook now. He didn’t mean to say anything shitty, he just has chronic foot-in-mouth disease.
Ilya ❤️: he is an idiot but he does mean well
Shane: Kayla said it’s probably frustrating to me that everyone still acts like I don’t have control of my own narrative.
Ilya ❤️: you do love a narrative
Shane: We got outed and that obviously sucked and I couldn’t control that. And I couldn’t control the stories about me throwing the playoff game. But coming to Ottawa and not going to the All-Star Game are both my choices, and she says it’s reasonable to be annoyed that people act like they aren’t. Like I was forced here at gunpoint or you’re making me skip the game.
Shane: I know Montreal didn’t offer to extend my contract but even if they had I think I would have wanted to come here. I don’t think I could have done another year of not being with you every night. Especially not once we were actually married. Long distance sucked so much.
Shane: I thought I wanted to retire a Metro but I think the truth was I was always going to end up in Ottawa this year. I don’t think I could have taken another year there, not really.
Shane: Being apart from you was killing me, too.
Shane: Sorry, we’ll talk in person, I know you hate reading English like this.
Ilya ❤️: it is okay
Ilya ❤️: i will always read your english моя любовь
Ilya ❤️: kayla sounds like a very smart woman
Shane: She’s helping a lot.
Shane: Thank you for making me go.
Ilya ❤️: shane i am going to say something very serious now
Ilya ❤️: and i want you to hear it and remember it forever and never let yourself forget it
Ilya ❤️: no one on earth can ever make you do anything you do not want to do
Ilya ❤️: you are most beautiful and perfect and stubborn man i have ever known
Ilya ❤️: and even when things happened that we could not control, everything you did after that you did because you wanted to do it and you are very brave, not because anyone else made you do those things
Ilya ❤️: you could have gone back in the closet. you could have shut yourself off from the world and from me. you did not do those things. you chose to be yourself out loud and come here and play hockey with me and have the life we have. you chose to go to therapy. perhaps i suggested it but you are the one who took that step and who is taking the steps kayla suggests.
Ilya ❤️: you are a very strong person, and a very brave person, and a very kind person.
Ilya ❤️: anyone who does not see that is an idiot who does not know you
Ilya ❤️: but i know you and i see you. always.
Shane: я тебя люблю
Ilya ❤️: я тебя люблю
Shane: How was your meeting with Harris? Sorry I skipped it.
Ilya ❤️: was okay. we did not both need to be there. he said statement was good.
Ilya ❤️: wiebe says we will figure out suspensions as they come and not to worry.
Ilya ❤️: team supports us very much
Shane: I know. They’re great. I still sometimes can’t believe it.
Shane: You coming home?
Ilya ❤️: yes, am walking out to car now
Ilya ❤️: will see you soon
Shane: Want to go out for dinner? Italian, maybe?
Ilya ❤️: gasp
Ilya ❤️: a shane hollander surprise cheat day?
Shane: I think we’ve earned it.
Ilya ❤️: we have ❤️
—
Scott Hunter
December 12th, 2021 – 10:43am
Scott Hunter: Nice statement.
Scott Hunter: I suppose I should have seen it coming, but it’s hard to imagine an All-Star Game without both of you there, nevertheless neither of you.
Scott Hunter: Not to steal your thunder, but I’m going to pull out of the game as well. Can’t let Crowell think the blatant homophobia is signed off by me.
Scott Hunter: I was actually going to pull out anyway, but I suppose it made sense to wait for you two to go first.
Scott Hunter: Vaughn and Matti are pulling out too. Probably some of the other guys, as well, but those are the only ones I have confirmed.
Shane: Is this the part where I say “you don’t have to do that Scott” even though I knew you’d 100% be doing this?
Shane: Because you don’t have to do that, Scott. But I knew you would, and I do appreciate it.
Scott Hunter: Not we?
Shane: Oh, Ilya appreciates it too, but he has a reputation to maintain, you know.
Shane: This is the part where he’d say “why would they want a dinosaur at the All-Star Game anyway” and you’d go “fuck off Rozanov” and I’d stifle a laugh very poorly.
Shane: Which is why you only bothered to text me and not both of us, right?
Scott Hunter: I’m worried we’re getting too predictable.
Scott Hunter: Maybe we ARE all old now.
Shane: Worse things to be.
Shane: Also, you should be thankful that’s what Ilya would be saying to you. Hayden called to say he was going to drop out too and Ilya said “no point in dropping out when you would not be invited in first place.”
Scott Hunter: Pike’s really gotta stop walking into that one.
Shane: I’ve given up on him ever learning.
—
JJ Boiziau
December 12th, 2021 – 12:06pm
JJ Boiziau: Well, so much for hanging out at the All-Star Game.
Shane: Yeah, sorry about that.
JJ Boiziau: Not your fault. Crowell is an idiot.
Shane: Been hearing that a lot lately.
JJ Boiziau: Is it making you feel better?
Shane: Honestly, I don’t feel all that bad about this.
Shane: It’s frustrating and annoying, obviously, but in the grand scheme of things it’s so ridiculous it’s hard not to find it a little bit funny.
Shane: Like. I’ve been banned from the All-Star Game for being Too Gay.
JJ Boiziau: 😂
JJ Boiziau: Despite leading the league in points right now!
JJ Boiziau: Honestly, the Centaurs are doing so good Crowell should start wondering if being gay is a secret hockey superpower.
Shane: True. He should be begging other teams to get gayer.
JJ Boiziau: 😂
JJ Boiziau: I have told the league I will not go.
Shane: You don’t have to do that.
JJ Boiziau: Capitaine. I do.
JJ Boiziau: Mostly because I do not want anyone thinking I condone this bullshit from the league.
JJ Boiziau: But also because I fear every player I like will pull out and I will be forced to hang out only with Comeau and Zack Bennett and I would honestly rather be suspended then suffer through that.
Shane: Hah! Well, fair enough.
Shane: That does sound pretty unpleasant.
—
Ilya ❤️
December 12th, 2021 – 12:10pm
Shane: Hey, what if I invite JJ to that New Years Eve Party we're talking about throwing?
Ilya ❤️: shane hollander texting during tape review??
Ilya ❤️: i am a bad influence on you
Ilya ❤️: i have turned you into a slacker
Shane: Right, because you’re so famously lazy.
Shane: I won’t invite him if it makes you uncomfortable. I know he’s been weird.
Ilya ❤️: he is your friend
Ilya ❤️: you said he wants to try, no?
Ilya ❤️: perhaps this will be a good test
Ilya ❤️: enough people will be there that there is not so much pressure on you to handle it all yourself
Ilya ❤️: and you can see if he really does try
Shane: Yeah.
Shane: I don’t like being angry at him. It feels wrong.
Shane: I don’t really like being angry at all.
Shane: Even if Kayla’s right and it is justified.
Ilya ❤️: you are not usually an angry person
Ilya ❤️: frustrated, yes. but truly angry? not so much
Ilya ❤️: it is a feeling you are not used to
Shane: Yeah. But I’ve been so angry lately. At Montreal. At Crowell. At JJ and Hayden. At fucking TMZ.
Ilya ❤️: well fuck tmz
Ilya ❤️: i think kayla is right and your anger is normal
Ilya ❤️: but that does not make it fun
Ilya ❤️: you should invite jj to the party
Ilya ❤️: will be nice. you can work on feeling better about him.
Ilya ❤️: and if you decide you are too angry to ever feel better about him then we will move on.
Ilya ❤️: i support you either way. whatever you want моя любовь
Shane: Okay. I’ll invite him. And we’ll go from there.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
Ilya ❤️: now pay attention. this is part of game where you miss very easy shot on goal.
Shane: 🙄
—
JJ Boiziau
December 12th, 2021 – 12:14pm
Shane: Hey, what are you doing for New Years?
JJ Boiziau: Oh you know me, probably going to an overpriced club and being annoyed at myself the next day.
Shane: Ilya and I are thinking about having a party. Mostly the Centaurs obviously, but we’ll probably invite Hayden and Jackie too.
Shane: You should come.
Shane: You’ll love the guys.
Shane: It’ll be fun.
JJ Boiziau: You want me there?
Shane: Yeah.
Shane: I do.
JJ Boiziau: Then I shall be there my friend.
JJ Boiziau: Thank you for the invite.
Shane: Thanks for skipping the All-Star Game.
JJ Boiziau: Like I said. Easy choice.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
December 13th, 2021 – 11:45am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): alright who’s idea was this
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): [LINK: Instagram Post: "@OfficialCentaurs A Statement From The Rest of the Centaurs"]
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Seriously, you guys didn’t have to all pull out of the All-Star Game.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You deserve to be there.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): except it would suck to be there knowing you guys aren’t allowed to be!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Seriously! Like we’re all gonna sit back here and let Roger Crowell get away with this shit?
The Baby (Luca Haas): It was all of our ideas. Bood, Hazy, and Barrett brought it up after you two left tape review yesterday but I had been thinking about it too.
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): And Wiebe signed off on it.
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I believe his exact words were “abso-fucking-lutely.”
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): look i’m not gonna pretend i was ever gonna get invited to the all-star game but this was an objectively simple decision either way. fuck roger crowell.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): FUCK ROGER CROWELL!!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Fuck Roger Crowell!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): FUCK. ROGER. FUCKING. CROWELL.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): no one messes with our hockey dads
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): crowell best learn that lesson QUICK!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you have all made shane cry
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You’re crying too, asshole.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no no there is just something in my eye
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): unrelated
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Seriously, though. You guys have only known me for a few months but you’ve made me feel so welcome.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): This is the best team I’ve ever played for.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I can’t wait for us to win that fucking Cup.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): hell YEAH baby! 🎉
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane is that not jinxing it???
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he did not say WHEN we would win cup to be fair
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): only that we will
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is a statement of fact. not a jinx.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hell yeah it is.
—
Zack Bennett
December 18th, 2021 – 9:18am
Zack Bennett: Hi Hollander.
Zack Bennett: It’s Zack Bennett. Which I guess you know.
Zack Bennett: Sorry I never replied to your last text. I honestly didn’t really know what to say.
Zack Bennett: I was hoping we’d have a chance to talk at the All-Star Game but that’s obviously not happening.
Zack Bennett: I wanted to let you know I’m gonna pull out too. I think the way the league is treating you guys is fucking appalling.
Zack Bennett: You were one of my favorite players when I was in juniors you know.
Zack Bennett: Anyway, just wanted to let you know.
—
Zack Bennett
December 18th, 2021 – 2:09pm
Shane: Hi Zack. Sorry, I was at morning skate.
Shane: It’s nice to hear from you.
Shane: Some of the guys showed me your statement. Glad to see that you’re trying to get better about this stuff. It’s appreciated.
Shane: Because it’s appreciated I’ll let it slide that you sort of called me old at the end there.
Zack Bennett: Oh shit. Shit I did not mean to do that.
Shane: Bennett. Relax. It was a joke.
Zack Bennett: Right. Sorry.
Zack Bennett: Anyway. Thanks for standing up for what you stand up for. I think you’ve done a lot of great work. The Irina Foundation is awesome.
Shane: Glad you’re a fan given you’re one of our top donors this year. We’re gonna have to invite you to the gala.
Shane: Not that you’d have to come.
Zack Bennett: No, I’d come. That sounds nice.
Zack Bennett: Maybe next time Miami and Ottawa play you and me and Rozanov can get a drink or something?
Shane: Yeah, man. Sounds great.
—
Ilya ❤️
December 18th, 2021 – 2:17pm
Shane: [PHOTO: Screenshot of previous texts with Zack Bennett]
Shane: ???
Shane: This is so weird right?
Ilya ❤️: very
Ilya ❤️: i always thought of him as massive homophobe moron
Ilya ❤️: he used to say cocksucker like every fourth word on ice
Shane: Maybe you were right about the sponsorship thing. But then why get a drink with us?
Shane: I mean. He’s not gay, right?
Ilya ❤️: no
Ilya ❤️: and i have never been wrong before
Ilya ❤️: i cannot believe you signed us up for drinks with a man you hate in the name of gossip
Shane: I mean, we don’t play Miami again until March. He might “forget” to text or whatever.
Shane: And you don’t have to come.
Ilya ❤️: fuck you i am totally coming
Ilya ❤️: i want the gossip too
Shane: Yeah, I thought so.
Shane: Bood wants to know if you’re going to come hang out or just text me from our hotel room.
Shane: “Tell him he’s being lame.” – Barrett
Ilya ❤️: ugh
Ilya ❤️: fine i am getting up
Ilya ❤️: be there in ten minutes
Shane: Love you. See you soon.
Ilya ❤️: love you. see you soon ❤️
—
Harris Drover and Ilya ❤️
December 19th, 2021 – 10:19am
Harris Drover: Just a head’s up that we got a call from Cheryl Yamata’s team at ESPN asking about making a further statement on the All-Star Game rules change being homophobic, since Zack Bennett (?????) said they were on Twitter. The team is going to decline to respond and direct them to our original statement, but if you two want to go scorched earth and say more we support you.
Harris Drover: It is, as we all know, 100% homophobic bullshit.
Shane: Thanks Harris. Her team reached out to us too – we just got off the phone with our agent and my mother.
Shane: We’re also not going to comment further.
Shane: I don’t think it’s time to go scorched Earth yet.
Harris Drover: Yet?
Ilya ❤️: shane has a secret weapon
Ilya ❤️: but it can only be used once
Ilya ❤️: best to save it for the best possible moment
Harris Drover: Oh god. Do I want to know?
Shane: Probably not.
Harris Drover: Okay. But if you guys need anything, call me. I know you have your own people, but you have this team too. We’re in it together.
Ilya ❤️: thank you harris
Shane: Thanks Harris.
Shane: I’m not sure this matters anyway.
Shane: At this point the All-Star Game is going to be three backline defenders from Anaheim, Mark Strong, and Erik Paulsen.
Shane: Not exactly riveting TV.
Harris Drover: Not exactly!
—
Liam Boyle
December 20th, 2021 – 8:19am
Liam Boyle: Hi Shane! Can you and I grab fifteen minutes after practice today to talk?
Liam Boyle: As the Centaurs player association rep I think we need to chat about the All-Star Game.
Liam Boyle: I brought it to the executive board and pretty much everyone agrees the league really fucked this one up. Even the guys you think wouldn’t necessarily care don’t like the precedent of rule changes targeting specific players.
Liam Boyle: There’s probably going to be an official complaint filed. Just don’t want you to be blindsided!
Shane: Hey Boyle! Yeah, I can stick around after practice.
Shane: I’m tempted to say “you didn’t have to do that” but I realize as my union rep you probably actually did have to do that, huh?
Liam Boyle: It doesn’t hurt that you’re a very nice guy that I like a lot but, yeah, I probably would have been compelled to make this complaint even if you weren’t.
Liam Boyle: The PA’s got your back man.
Shane: I appreciate it.
Liam Boyle: Melissa says hi, also.
Liam Boyle: She’s asking me to bug you about joining the WAG chat again.
Shane: Is Ilya not enough for them?
Liam Boyle: I think they all find you very charming!
Liam Boyle: Would make a good Christmas present is all I’m saying.
Shane: Hah! Alright, I’ll consider it.
Shane: See you in a bit, man.
—
Rose Landry
December 21st, 2021 – 3:12pm
Rose Landry: I get off a closed film set and discover the world has gone entirely insane while I’ve been gone.
Rose Landry: Are they actually going to cancel the All-Star Game?
Shane: I was wondering when you’d be back in the real world!
Shane: Where did you hear they were cancelling it?
Rose Landry: My brother told me.
Rose Landry: Hold on.
Rose Landry: [LINK: Free Skate Hockey Blog: “RUMOR: MLH Players Association Considering An Investigation into All-Stars Rule Change and Whether It Targeted Hollander and Rozanov Specifically; MLH Front Office Considering Cancelling All-Star Game Altogether To Avoid Scrutiny”]
Shane: Huh.
Rose Landry: Is it not true?
Shane: The Player’s Association thing is true.
Shane: I’d never heard of this blog until a few weeks ago, but he knew about the rules change ahead of time too.
Shane: Your brother reads it?
Rose Landry: Hold on, let me do some digging.
Rose Landry: Okay, Ronan says that a buddy of his sent him the blog over the summer. Apparently this guy knows like every major trade before it happens?
Shane: Weird.
Shane: But that might mean he’s right about this.
Rose Landry: That’s a big fucking deal, right?
Shane: Yeah.
Rose Landry: How are you feeling? I feel like this is like your worst nightmare a bit, right? Like things changing because you’re out now?
Shane: Honestly, I feel fine.
Rose Landry: Shane.
Shane: I’m serious!
Shane: The team has been so supportive. They all dropped out of the game without question and Boyle brought it to the executive board at the players association immediately.
Shane: I definitely wish Crowell was less of a massive raging dick, but I never realistically thought that would happen.
Shane: We’re having an amazing season. And this sucks, but it’s been really nice to see so many players decide they’re gonna drop out too?
Shane: I don’t know that they all did it because they support me and Ilya, or whatever. I think some guys probably just wanted more vacation time.
Shane: But still. In the grand scheme of things, I mostly feel very valued and supported right now.
Rose Landry: Aw, honey, I’m glad. You deserve that.
Rose Landry: How’s Ilya handling it?
Shane: I think he feels guilty, like it’s his fault? Which it really isn’t. Hell, it was my idea to drop out first.
Shane: But I think there’s a part of him that’s always afraid I’m going to wake up one day and realize I actually do love hockey more than him and resent him for the way my life has changed.
Shane: Which is insane, obviously, because I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. So I just have to keep reminding him of that, really.
Rose Landry: You guys are so fucking cute.
Rose Landry: When is it my turn?
Shane: Well, LaPointe, Young and Holmberg have been begging me for your number for a few months. Want me to cave?
Rose Landry: Shane, you’re my best friend in the whole world, so I want you to know I really mean what I’m about to say.
Rose Landry: Go fuck yourself.
Shane: Hah!
Shane: I missed you too.
Rose Landry: ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
December 24th, 2021 – 12:01pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): firstly, i want to remind everyone that the boxing day party starts at 2pm! no need to bring anything but your fine selves
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): secondly merry christmas eve
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): thirdly how’s everyone feeling about the all-star game getting cancelled
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): my agent just texted me the news
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i still refuse to understand what boxing day is
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): my people fought hard against the british to free ourselves from their tyrannical oppression i do not recognize their weird fake holidays
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): alright captain america calm down
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): so you’re not coming young?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): no i will be there
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): is cassie going to make those brownies again they were really good
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): kid she’s taken to calling them “kevin’s brownies” of course she’s making them
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): 🥺
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): thank you queen cassie 🙏
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Not to detract from Young’s love of Cassie’s (very good) brownies but: they’re saying they’re cancelling the All-Star Game because of a plumbing issue? Really?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Genuinely, does Crowell think we’re all morons?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, I think he does.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yeah 100%.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I guess I’m not shocked, but I am sort of disappointed.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I didn’t really expect him to walk back the rule change but that would have been easier, right?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That would have required him to admit he was wrong.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Plus I think that would put fuel on the Players Association investigation. He’s probably hoping they’ll just drop it now.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): roger crowell is a fucking idiot
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): only good thing about this is i think we have ruined his christmas
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): maybe over night he’ll be visited by three ghosts and learn the error of his ways
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): of all the guys I expected a christmas carol reference from, you were not high on the list LP.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hey! i read!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You’ve just seen the Muppets version, right?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): . . . yeah
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i like rizzo the rat a lot
The Baby (Luca Haas): Have they ever cancelled an All-Star Game before???
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): like this? no
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s been cancelled when a season’s been shortened by a lockout or the Olympics, but that’s about it.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is first cancellation to ever happen because commissioner makes stupid bad mistakes midseason
The Baby (Luca Haas): Do you think he’ll get in any trouble?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): trouble?? with who?? does he even have a boss?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, he’s pissed off the Player’s Association, which could make the next round of negotiations awkward. And I’d bet a few advertisers who’d already paid for time aren’t pleased.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But the plumbing thing acts like a cover for that. Shifts the blame away from him.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Crisse de câlice de tabarnak
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Osti d'cave!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i do not know what this means but i feel like i agree
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You definitely agree.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): look we have ruined his christmas which is good
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but i will not let him ruin ours
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): so now we will stop talking about him
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): look and me and shane’s beautiful daughter instead
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): [PHOTO: Shane holding up an adorable puppy. The dog is wearing a hideous Christmas sweater and licking Shane on the face. Shane is grimacing, but in a happy way, somehow.]
The Baby (Luca Haas): If you went back in time and told teenage me that one day Ilya Rozanov would be sending me pictures of Shane Hollander holding the dog they own together in a terrible Christmas Sweater I would have assumed you were completely insane.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): yeah roz being a “dress his dog up” guy was a bit of a shock at first but honestly? the more you think about it the more it makes a lot of sense
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The sweater was actually a gift from my dad.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Shane do your parents do a stocking for Anya?
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Harris’ family does stockings for all the dogs.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh yeah.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): have your parents started bugging you about grandchildren yet or does the dog keep them off your back?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): my folks brought up having grandkids like fifteen minutes after our wedding ceremony ended.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we hadn’t even gotten to the drinks yet!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yuna hints only at wanting one thing: another cup.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): that will be her first grandchild, the joint hollander-rozanov cup
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): My dad, on the other hand, has mentioned no less than five times that Ilya and I both looked “so sweet” with Milo at your party a few weeks ago, Bood.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): well you both did look very sweet!!! milo loves you guys
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): he sometimes coos a word that very suspiciously almost sounds like “shane”
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): feels like a nonzero chance my son says your name before he says “dada”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): baby milo has good taste 😎
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): man, shut up 😂
—
Ottawa WAGs
December 25th, 2021 – 1:12pm
Ilya ❤️: merry christmas ladies
Ilya ❤️ has added Shane Hollander to the chat
Shane: 👋
Cassie Boodram: OH MY GOD!!!
Caitlin Dykstra: YESSSS SHANE IN THE WAG CHAT!
Melissa Boyle: Ahhhh!!!!
Lisa Hayes: FINALLY!!!
Harris Drover: 🎉 WOO!!!!
Selena Chouinard: Best Day EVER!
Shane: Oh wow.
Shane: I have no idea what I’m getting myself into here, do I?
Ilya ❤️: not even a little ❤️
Chapter End Notes
some lightly important context if you've never read the books is that ilya skips the all-star game in the ryan price book to attend a funeral for another player.
as i've said in all other series in this fic, this is a pretty unrealistic turn for the all-star game. but i've added MORE unrealistic stuff in this work too (a therapist who is readily available whenever you need them! maybe that's not unrealistic for rich people though? idk i've never been rich)
i felt bad not including boyle in the gc so i let him show up as the player association rep lol. and is it a married hollanov fic if they don't both end up in a wag chat? let's be real
some translation notes! (slightly tweaked thanks to Gvozdichka!
я тебя люблю -- I love you
Ублюдок -- Bastard
моя конфетка -- my candy
моя любовь -- my love
Crisse de câlice de tabarnak -- goddamn fucking hell (roughly)
Osti d'cave! -- fucking idiot (also roughly)
CENTAURS FOREVER
December 31st, 2021 – 9:18pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Everyone who didn’t come to the Hollander-Rozanov party is a fool.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): [PHOTO: An action shot of Shane Hollander shotgunning a beer]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): WHAT????
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): omg who taught hollander how to do that
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i take bergy and lp to wisconsin for ONE party at my parents farm and you guys CORRUPT my beautiful holly
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): excuse you young
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): sorry i mean roz’s beautiful holly
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’ve been playing professional sports for twelve years and was in junior leagues for ages before that. This is NOT the first beer I’ve ever shotgunned.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Although, fun fact, the first shot I ever did was with Scott Hunter.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what??? where was i???
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sulking on a rooftop in Las Vegas.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ah, the night you won rookie of the year
The Baby (Luca Haas): That was enough of a description for you to know exactly what night it was?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i remember all my nights with shane
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he is very memorable to me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And also we got in a fight and then made out on a public rooftop while half of MLH was a room away
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good times
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): hazy’s right though, this party is awesome
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): no offense to the great state of wisconsin i guess
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): full offense to the great state of wisconsin
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yesterday young took us to his “high school hangout spot” and it was just the fucking woods man
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): there’s not a lot to do around here!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you guys liked culvers!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): hey i also liked the woods! i saw a deer!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Congrats, Bergy.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That sounds really special.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): man i can never tell if shane’s chirping me or not over text smh
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): but i feel like he might be
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no no shane is big outdoorsman
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): loves animals. always points out horses and cows and deers when we drive.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you should ask him to make loon noise sometime
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): okay so he’s definitely making fun of me then
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, sorry kid.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): 😢
—
Will LaPointe
December 31st, 2021 – 10:06pm
Will LaPointe: hollz
Will LaPointe: holly
Will LaPointe: hollyWOOD
Shane: I thought I banned that last one.
Will LaPointe: yeah sorry my bad
Will LaPointe: i have a hypothetical question for you
Shane: If you drunkenly injured yourself or did something illegal I really, genuinely don’t want to know.
Shane: I want plausible deniability!
Will LaPointe: no no nothing bad
Will LaPointe: I have a hypothetical that i’d like some advice on and that i CANNOT put in the group chat
Shane: ?
Will LaPointe: on a scale of one to ten how much of a dick move is it if i try to sleep with young’s sister
Shane: You’re asking me this?
Shane: Me? Shane Hollander?
Shane: Your famously gay teammate?
Will LaPointe: my famously “in a serious long term relationship” teammate!
Shane: LP, like half of the guys are married.
Will LaPointe: yeah but only YOU started off your relationship by sleeping with someone you really shouldn’t have!
Shane: LP.
Will LaPointe: she’s really hot man! but i don’t want young to be pissed at me!
Shane: Why didn’t you ask Ilya this? This is way more of an Ilya question, and he also famously slept with someone he shouldn’t have.
Will LaPointe: oh shit wait good point
Will LaPointe added Ilya ❤️ to the chat
Ilya ❤️: what is this
Shane: LP wanted my advice on whether or not it’s cool if he sleeps with Young’s sister.
Ilya ❤️: and you asked SHANE?
Ilya ❤️: lp you are aware shane is super gay yes
Shane: I am a regular amount of gay.
Ilya ❤️: gayest man i have ever met
Shane: You really want to start 2022 with me pissed off at you?
Ilya ❤️: noooo дорогой
Ilya ❤️: i am sorry
Will LaPointe: okay yes i realize that maybe shane was not the best first advice giver but i thought he’d chirp me the least about this
Shane: Alright that’s kind of sweet. Now I feel like an asshole.
Will LaPointe: help me shane-bi wan-holl-no-be you’re my only hope
Shane: That did not work at all.
Ilya ❤️: yes zero out of ten on that one lp
Shane: I guess I’d ask how much you actually like this girl?
Shane: Like is it just sex or are you trying to date her?
Shane: I feel like Young would feel differently about those two things.
Ilya ❤️: my very gay husband is right
Ilya ❤️: one thing to want to court your friends sister
Ilya ❤️: another to fuck her and then never speak to her again
Will LaPointe: okay i just pictured being in-laws with young and got a full body shudder
Will LaPointe: but i mean she’s cute and stuff
Will LaPointe: and she’s really funny and she loves hockey
Ilya ❤️: and she looks exactly like young?
Ilya ❤️: perhaps your heart yearns for something else
Shane: Ilya, stop.
Shane: You can’t talk our teammates into being bisexual.
Ilya ❤️: i will never know if i don’t try
Will LaPointe: roz if i was gonna be bisexual it wouldn’t be for young
Will LaPointe: it’d be for haas
Will LaPointe: i have SOME taste
Ilya ❤️: fair enough
Will LaPointe: also yeah i guess i don’t exactly want to date her or anything
Will LaPointe: i mean she’s a teacher in wisconsin that’s probably logistically pretty difficult
Ilya ❤️: long distance is the worst
Shane: Yeah. It is.
Will LaPointe: idk maybe i’m just feeling kind of weird
Will LaPointe: it’s new years eve
Will LaPointe: and all the real adults are at your house with their wives and boyfriends and husbands and also haasy
Will LaPointe: and like i love you guys but you two are so in love sometimes it’s kind of hard to be around you
Will LaPointe: no offense or anything
Will LaPointe: just like
Will LaPointe: is that kind of love ever gonna happen for me you know?
Shane: Is it weird to say I actually kind of understand?
Shane: Obviously we met when we were teenagers but there was a long time where we didn’t think it was possible for us to be together.
Ilya ❤️: the months where i thought shane was going to marry and have babies with rose landry were worst of my life
Ilya ❤️: i spent many nights then thinking i would never truly be happy again
Shane: Baby.
Ilya ❤️: obviously it worked out
Ilya ❤️: i am saying that to say that i think everyone feels that way sometimes lp
Ilya ❤️: but that probably there is someone out there for you who you will meet and will make you never feel that way again
Ilya ❤️: this person will maybe even be almost as beautiful as shane
Ilya ❤️: probably not though
Will LaPointe: yeah okay
Will LaPointe: you’re right
Shane: In the meantime, maybe don’t fuck your best friend’s sister out of a sense of loneliness?
Shane: If you really want to try something with her I think Young would be okay with it.
Shane: As long as you aren’t a raging asshole to her.
Will LaPointe: no i think i’m just weird and drunk and lonely
Will LaPointe: and am resigning myself to the fact that i will probably have to kiss bergy at midnight
Ilya ❤️: could be fun 👀
Will LaPointe: once again roz
Will LaPointe: if i was goin bi
Will LaPointe: i’d be goin haas
Shane: He’s totally gonna tell Luca you said that.
Will LaPointe: good! haasy should know he’s a smokeshow
Will LaPointe: he’s too shy
Shane: Go back to your party LP. Have a glass of water, put on a stupid song, and kiss Holmes at midnight. You’ll have fun.
Shane: And then it’ll be a whole new year. Lots of exciting stuff about a whole new year. You never know what’s going to happen.
Shane: But I got a feeling it’s gonna be a good one.
Will LaPointe: yeah?
Shane: Call it instinct.
—
Ilya ❤️
December 31st, 2021 – 10:31pm
Ilya ❤️: where are you?
Ilya ❤️: talking about how amazing and in love we are with lp made me want to kiss you very badly
Shane: Out back!
Shane: Lisa needed some air so her and Mel and I came out here to toss the ball with Anya.
Shane: Mel is describing constellations to me but getting most of them very very wrong.
Shane: It’s really funny.
Ilya ❤️: she does not know you are secretly man of the wilds who knows all names for stars
Shane: I know, like, four constellations.
Ilya ❤️: more than me
Ilya ❤️: in moscow we could not even see the stars
Shane: Yeah, yeah, alright city boy. You coming outside or what?
Ilya ❤️: i will come
Ilya ❤️: you are cold? need a blanket?
Shane: I turned the heater on and started a fire.
Shane: But if you want to cuddle under a blanket I wouldn’t say no.
Ilya ❤️: one blanket coming up
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 1st, 2022 – 12:01am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE BABY!!!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): WOOOO!!!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): happy new year!!!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Bonne année!
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Happy new year guys!!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): happy new year!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): [PHOTO: Will LaPointe and Carter Holmberg kissing oddly passionately]
The Baby (Luca Haas): ???
The Baby (Luca Haas): What is happening in Wisconsin??
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Honestly, nothing that different from what’s happening in Ottawa.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov making out in their living room]
The Baby (Luca Haas): No offense but it’s much cuter when Shane and Ilya do it.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): no that’s valid
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’ll never be as beautiful as shane hollander 😢
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): was it a good kiss though?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): honestly? not bad
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): you use way too much tongue dude it’s so wet
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I regret checking these texts.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): shane hollander you TOLD me to do this!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Shane told you to kiss Bergy????
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Huh.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah I did do that, didn’t I?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Uh. Why?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): the gay agenda 😈
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It sort of made sense in context!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): now i’m all insecure about being a wet kisser 🙁
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do not worry lp someone will love you one day even if you have very wet kisses
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): or perhaps you and bergy will need to practice more 👀
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i cannot be the only active bisexual in mlh
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): there is at least one more out there and i will find him
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And you really think your best shot is on our team?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i mean
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Statistically he’s got a point there, Hollz.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): We have 75% of the current active queer players.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): If another shows up it’s probably going to be on this team.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We’re talking about queerness like it’s a disease that lies dormant.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Like LP is gonna develop it the way some people develop late in life lactose intolerance.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): genuinely: my worst nightmare
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): the lactose thing not the gay thing
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i’d love to be roz’s other bisexual, truly
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): thank you very much young ❤️
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but your dedication to whole milk makes me doubt it will be you
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): This has got to be the weirdest team in MLH.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): oh yeah no doubt
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but also the best team
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): looking forward to another year with you degenerate weirdos ❤️
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): ❤️
—
Harris Drover
January 15th, 2022 – 11:19am
Harris Drover: Hi Shane! Two things.
Harris Drover: One, the latest episode of Hometown Hero is our best performing YouTube video ever. So congrats on that!
Harris Drover: It looks like people really liked Ilya being in it – lots of comments are asking for more husbands content!
Harris Drover: If you’re okay with it, Gen and I can come up with some ideas for fun videos featuring you two. Nothing too in-depth. I know you value your privacy, and we definitely don’t want to invite strangers into your marriage or house or anything!
Shane: Hey Harris. That sounds fine with me.
Shane: It was honestly really fun doing the video together!
Shane: What’s the other thing?
Harris Drover: I’m not sure you’ve seen it yet, but Renegade just published this op-ed.
Harris Drover: [LINK: Renegade.com: “We Need To Stop Pretending Race Isn’t A Factor In The Treatment of Shane Hollander”]
Harris Drover: It’s honestly really positive! Very defensive of you. I think he makes some valid points.
Harris Drover: But obviously it’s bringing back some All-Star Game stuff and it’s talking a lot about The Trip and about Crowell and whatever crawled up his ass and died this year.
Harris Drover: I’ve heard from some other PR people in the league that some other players mentioned in the article are thinking about saying something. Maybe creating a hashtag to discuss the microaggressions they face being POC hockey players.
Harris Drover: You obviously don't have to respond whatsoever, but if you’d like to participate you absolutely can. The team totally stands behind whatever you want to do and we’ll follow your lead one way or another.
Harris Drover: Shane?
Harris Drover: Still there, bud?
Shane: Hey, sorry. Just read it.
Harris Drover: How are you feeling?
Harris Drover: I’m asking as your friend, not as the PR guy for your team, so you can be really honest. 🙂
Shane: I don’t really know.
Shane: Is it bad to say I never really thought about it that way?
Harris Drover: No, I think it’s probably fair! It can be hard to see stuff when you’re so close to it, maybe?
Shane: I mean, obviously I’ve always known I don’t get treated the same as white guys.
Shane: I’ve heard that “genetically smarter” bullshit too. Been chirped about dumb bullshit and had to shrug it off. All that.
Shane: But I guess I always thought that was separate from what’s happening now. Like, I’m the one who tripped in that game, and that’s why everyone accused me of cheating. Not for any other reason.
Shane: And also, I don’t know, Ilya’s had to face his own bullshit too, it’s not really fair to say he has it easier than me. People acted like he was dumb for years when it was just that he was struggling with his English.
Shane: Maybe he has some things easier than me sure but I have some things easier than him too. Does that even make sense?
Harris Drover: Yeah, I get what you’re saying.
Shane: Also, I kind of think Crowell does hate us equally if I’m being honest.
Shane: I don’t know that he has a specific grudge against me. He probably would have loved for me to beat Ilya in the All-Star polls if he could rig it that way.
Harris Drover: The guy’s a fucking asshole.
Harris Drover: I remember he told Tory to stop posting about sexual assault during the whole Dallas Kent thing. And sent an awful email after he came out.
Harris Drover: And Troy told me the other day that you guys told the team he wanted you to say the kiss was a prank or whatever.
Shane: Yeah. And before that he met with me privately and told me not to come out. Praised me for never being too loud about “the race thing.”
Shane: Honestly I think that’s why I’m feeling weird.
Shane: I mean. He was right kind of? I never really talked about my race. This journalist says the same thing.
Shane: I know people know I’m Asian, obviously, I can’t hide it, but I deflected a lot of those questions. A reporter once compared me to Serena Williams and Tiger Woods and I’m pretty sure I blacked out and went “I don’t want to talk about that.”
Shane: I’m not like Carter Vaughn, you know. He does all that advocacy and outreach work. I just tried to keep my head down and play hockey.
Shane: I had this issue with being gay too, right? Like. I didn’t want to be The Asian Hockey Player or The Gay Hockey Player. I just wanted to be the BEST hockey player. I wanted people to talk about my game, not my identity, or whatever.
Shane: Which I knew was unrealistic. But I still wanted it.
Shane: White guys never get this asterix. You’re never “good for a white player” you’re just good. No one ever wonders if you’re fulfilling a diversity quota. I wondered that all the time. Even when I won MVP awards and was the best hockey player in the league, Rolex would want me to come to events and I’d wonder if it was just so they could look like they gave a shit about diversity.
Shane: I feel like I sound ungrateful.
Harris Drover: You don’t, Shane. Really.
Shane: Do you think I should say something?
Harris Drover: There’s no “should” here. It’s up to you. If you want to say something, great. If you don’t, you don’t have to.
Harris Drover: I think Antony Ramos on the Emperors is going to post something. They’re working with the hashtag #MLHRacism.
Shane: Catchy.
Harris Drover: Sometimes simple is better!
Harris Drover: It sounds like they’re going to mostly do this on Twitter, where you barely post anyway. I don’t think anyone would say it’s strange if you didn’t post.
Harris Drover: Honestly, maybe a weird suggestion, but you could let Ilya post on your behalf? Sort of a joint statement, if that’s easier?
Shane: Yeah, maybe.
Shane: I think I’m going to call my mom. I can let you know what I’m thinking later?
Harris Drover: Okay! Let me know if you need anything. 🙂
Shane: Will do. Thanks Harris.
—
Mom
January 15th, 2022 – 12:01pm
Shane: Hey, do you have a second to talk? Everything’s okay, just wanted to run you through some thoughts I’m having about this Renegade op-ed. Not sure if you saw it.
Mom: I did. I was just going to text you. Call anytime.
—
Ilya ❤️
January 15th, 2022 – 12:49pm
Shane: Mom and I are still talking, but I think if you want to post you should.
Shane: Ramos and Vaughn are right. And we should have had this conversation sooner.
Ilya ❤️: okay. do you want to read before I post?
Shane: No, I trust you.
Ilya ❤️: how is yuna?
Shane: Good. Apologizing a lot.
Shane: I think she’s freaking out that she put too much pressure on me.
Shane: Because she pointed out that I was a role model a lot when I was younger, that it wasn’t just me out there on the ice.
Shane: I don’t really blame her for that though. She was right.
Shane: I always think I put more pressure on myself than she put on me. I don’t know.
Ilya ❤️: you can be very hard on yourself моя любовь
Ilya ❤️: do you think you will say something?
Shane: I don’t know yet.
Shane: I want to. But I don’t know what to say.
Ilya ❤️: what does yuna think?
Shane: She said she “doesn’t want to influence me.”
Shane: Which is nice except I am literally asking for advice!
Ilya ❤️: before i met you i did not realize that parents who are supporting and loving can be annoying in their own ways
Shane: It’s a blessing! 🙄
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 17th, 2022 – 3:12pm
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): lol
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [LINK: Twitter: “@IlyaRozanov81: @paddyjenks a gentleman does not beat the shit of a loser homophobe rapist piece of garbage and tell 😜”]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): dallas kent get wrekt
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): man that fight was wild
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I remember when that happened thinking “wow Roz and Hollander really are good friends for him to defend the guy like that”
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Little did I know
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): once again: things that make a lot more sense when you realize roz and hollz were in love with each other the whole time
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): also lmao at shane in roz’s mentions keeping his man on a leash
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): [LINK: Twitter: “@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: @ilyarozanov81 1. Stop implying that I have to approve your Tweets. 2. Stop posting stuff like this!!!”]
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I do not vet his posts before he posts them! He has free will! And he uses it exclusively to piss me off!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): one of my favorite hobbies ❤️
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Wait Holly since when do you have Twitter?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): 2009
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): rephrase
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): holly since when do you USE twitter
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Uh, as of approximately fifteen minutes ago?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): are you making a statement on #mlhracism??
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, just about to hit post.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I mean that article was about me. It sort of feels weird if I don’t comment.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): What about you, Bood?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): nah i’m done with twitter for good
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): way too many vile little trolls for me
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): if the press asks after our next game i’ll say something though
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): god knows i’ve heard my fair share of shit
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): look on behalf of white guys everywhere i just wanna say one thing
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): our bad, yo
The Baby (Luca Haas): Oh my god Young
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): what the fuck man lmaooooo
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): holy shit
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i woke milo up i laughed so hard
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): [PHOTO: Shane Hollander with his face in both his hands, apparently despondent]
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): young you broke my husband
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): wow i’m sorry
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): for trying to FIX RACISM!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): god forbid!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m going to delete the nice, well-thought out statement I worked through with Harris and just tweet “Actually Kevin Young said ‘our bad, yo’ so racism is solved.”
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): okay well when you put it like THAT i sound dumb
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i second young’s statement
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): on behalf of white guys: sorry man. we shouldn’t of done that shit!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shouldn’t have* done that, LP.
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): LP, how does it feel to have your English corrected by a guy who speaks it as a second language?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): not ideal
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but unlike young i can accept that i’m stupid
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): and that the american public education system is perhaps a bit fucked
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): hey i can accept that i’m stupid too!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i don’t think that’s the flex you think it is kid
—
Harris Drover
January 19th, 2022 – 10:12am
Harris Drover: Fair warning, the MLH admin rumour mill says that Crowell is putting a statement out today.
Harris Drover: No idea what it will be but knowing him it’s going to be extremely dumb and bad.
Shane: His default state, really.
Harris Drover: LOL
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 19th, 2022 – 12:52pm
The Baby (Luca Haas): [LINK: MLH.com: “OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM MAJOR LEAGUE HOCKEY COMMISSIONER ROGER CROWELL”]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): haasy genuine question
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): do you have google alerts on for official mlh press releases
The Baby (Luca Haas): Yes
The Baby (Luca Haas): Do you not???
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Haasy, even I don’t do that.
The Baby (Luca Haas): How do you stay informed?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): via your texts dude
The Baby (Luca Haas): I cannot believe this
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): wow this statement is uh . . . something
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): by which i mean it’s nothing at all
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i mean he said he doesn’t like racism bood what more do you want smh
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yeah he says he wants a more inclusive league! Please forget that last year he tried to bully Shane into not coming out and me into shutting up about Dallas Kent.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Ending it with “let’s get back out on the ice” . . .
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He REALLY wants us to shut up about this.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): too bad for him 🤷
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 21st, 2022 – 11:28pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): god the minute there’s video posted of holly’s post game presser someone NEEDS to send it to me
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Why? What happened? I think I was already in the showers then.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i guess a bunch of stupid losers have been tweeting #shutupandskate in response to #mlhracism
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): and the reporter asked how shane felt about the hashtag
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): and shane blinked twice and went “that’s the stupidest fucking thing i’ve ever heard” completely deadpan
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): it was fucking awesome
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Shane Hollander said that? Our Shane Hollander?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): The Most Media Trained Man I’ve Ever Met Shane Hollander?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I wish I could say I panicked
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But it really just was the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): dude it was amazing
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): you are actually my fucking hero
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good. shane should be everyone’s hero
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he has been mine for years
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): for the record i just watched bergy sigh audibly after reading that text and go to download tinder again
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): do you guys remember the forever alone meme
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): that’s me all year working with the two most in love guys to ever be in love smh
—
Harris Drover
January 21st, 2022 – 11:39pm
Shane: Shit, Harris, I’m really sorry.
Shane: I am aware that calling someone “fucking stupid” is not a PR approved answer.
Shane: It was just such a stupid question. And such a stupid hashtag. And my brain kind of froze and I couldn’t think of anything else to say?
Harris Drover: Shane.
Harris Drover: Are you kidding me?
Harris Drover: That was awesome.
Harris Drover: I’m seriously considering making a fancam of it.
Shane: A fancam?
Shane: What’s a fancam?
Harris Drover: Don’t worry about it! 🙂
Shane: Terrifying response.
—
Fam Chat
January 22nd, 2022 – 12:01am
Mom: ESPN is showing your post-game press, Shane.
Shane: Oh god.
Shane: I’m really sorry.
Shane: I shouldn’t have said that.
Dad: Are you kidding?
Dad: Of course you should have said that.
Dad: You were right!
Dad: It is fucking stupid!
Mom: Super fucking stupid.
Shane: What?
Shane: You’re not mad?
Ilya ❤️: sweetheart i have been telling you
Ilya ❤️: no one will be mad at you for saying thing that is true
Ilya ❤️: racists are fucking stupid and they are using fucking stupid hashtag
Ilya ❤️: you are right for pointing this out
Mom: Sweetie, why would we be mad?
Shane: I don’t know.
Shane: It’s not a very Hockey's Golden Boy answer I guess. To call people stupid.
Mom: Shane, honey. Your father and I never expected you to be the Golden Boy.
Mom: I know that you told me the other day on the phone that I didn’t put too much pressure on you, but I know that I did. I can see now that I did. I know I made it harder for you. That you felt you had to carry my expectations on your shoulders.
Mom: I thought I was protecting you. Like if I could just give you the right tools and the right training you could avoid all the criticism. If you always sounded smart and put together, if you always acted right on the ice and avoided scraps, if you followed all the rules, they could never say anything about your race. They could never blame it on some other thing you can’t control, because you were too good for there to be anything to blame. You could be this amazing, perfect role model.
Mom: I tried to put you in a big safe room, but it turned out that might have been a cage.
Shane: Mom. Really, you didn’t do anything wrong. You were great. It’s all in my head, I know that.
Mom: Just let me say this?
Shane: Okay.
Mom: I am so sorry for putting that pressure on you. I really am.
Mom: All your father and I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And since you’ve moved to Ottawa you’ve been happier than you ever seemed before.
Mom: I’m seeing your wonderful personality out there for the first time. Not just on the ice, but in interviews, on your Instagram.
Mom: You’re letting the world see you. The way your father and I see you and the way Ilya sees you. And I wish you could have done that earlier. I wish I had made it so you felt you could do that earlier.
Mom: But I don’t ever want you to apologize for being yourself.
Mom: We love you the way you are. You should never apologize for that.
Shane: Thanks, Mom.
Shane: I am really happy.
Shane: And it is kind of freeing, not having to try so hard to be perfect.
Shane: This is kind of heavy for texting at midnight. I can call you tomorrow when we’re back in Ottawa?
Mom: Of course. You boys should get some rest. Love you.
Dad: Love you both.
Ilya ❤️: goodnight yuna and david. love you.
Shane: Love you guys.
Shane: And thanks.
Shane: For everything. Really.
Chapter End Notes
please know i am actually a Staunch Wisconsin Defender and the views of my characters do not necessarily reflect my own!!! several parts of wisconsin objectively rule!!! this is the second time i have managed to work a culvers mention into a fanfic i simply cannot be contained vis a vis my love for the state of wisconsin
shane and harris being friends is incredibly important to me okay. shane simply deserves that!
the nice thing about having a bunch of characters who are mostly stupid hockey boys is that you can break up your mostly serious chapter on the ramifications of racism in sports with one of them saying something very dumb like "our bad, yo." really gives you some room to breathe lol
my google translated russian today is pretty small
дорогой - dear/darling
моя любовь - my love
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 24th, 2022 – 11:31am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I have received official confirmation
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): My sister and her wife will be in town for Pride Night! Along with my nephew Isaac
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Lisa and I will be hosting a little thing the day after the game if you guys want to come by!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): omg the famed sister
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it’s like meeting a celebrity
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): She has explicitly forbid me from “making a big deal about it” which mostly means I had to tell Harris not to put her on the jumbotron but also means please don’t call her a celebrity to her face
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): How old’s your nephew, Hazy?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): 4! Almost 5.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): He’s so cool.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Fair warning, he does not care at all about hockey. Neither does my sister or her wife really. So you guys are going to have to find other things to talk about.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): not gonna lie buddy that might be a tall order in this group
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): What does he like? Arthur Pike had a bit reptiles phase recently so I know a weird amount of lizards.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Like. A really weird amount.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am excellent at painting nails
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You also do all the good voices in the bedtime stories. Ruby and Jade complain to Hayden all the time that he can’t do your voices.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 💪 yet another way i am superior to pike
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): once again this is dad ass behavior you two
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): embrace your status as team father figures
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I simply refuse to be a father figure to a guy who’s only seven years younger than me.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i have accepted!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but it is funny that team has many actual fathers on it and you pick the two guys who’s only child is the most perfect puppy in the world to be team dads 🤷
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i feel like we got distracted from the hazy’s sister of it all
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That’s exactly how Kristy would like it! You guys are doing great already.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Okay no way to say this without sounding like a self-absorbed douchebag but: would it be weird if I went?
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I know Harris wants to go but I am happy to sit out if your sister still has feelings about Toronto.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I know I fucked a lot of stuff up back then and it is very valid if she hates me.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Dude, I have told Kristy all about your soul quest.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): She understands. You and Harris are both welcome.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Actually, potentially mandatory. She told me she wants to meet “all the queer ones.”
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Okay, then Harris and I will be there. Thanks Hazy.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): you know i think it’s funny you had to reassure your sister she wouldn’t be on the jumbotron because AND I MEAN NO OFFENSE TO YOUR SISTER HERE she is pretty small fish in our big gay pond
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): like other teams sure all they have is one players gay sister to show off for pride night. us? we have at least two gay and one bisexual players and two of them are in a relationship with each other
The Baby (Luca Haas): At least?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): we’re still trying to activate latent bisexuality in one of us
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): for roz
The Baby (Luca Haas): Oh
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i can feel my second bisexual arriving like first beautiful breeze of spring air
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is on the horizon
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): once again man: we’re trying. we’re hoping it triggers like a magical girl transformation sequence
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): we’ve been watching a lot of sailor moon lately
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): personally i’m a sailor mars. i think bergy is sailor moon and young is sailor jupiter. and haas is sailor venus obviously.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i fear none of us possess the smarts required to be sailor mercury
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i’ll tell wiebe to ask the scouts to look for that in the new batch of prospects
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): your mind is a fascinating place kid
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): thank you 😚
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): THE POINT BEING that every pride night in the league is going to look weaksauce compared to #hollanov
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay, does everyone on Earth know about Hollanov? I heard about it for the first time like two weeks ago.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): ohhh it’s cause you’re not on tiktok bro
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): the #hollanov fancams go CRAZY on tiktok
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I have heard the word fancam twice and neither time in contexts I like.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): did you know kev’s tiktok display name is “#1 hollanov stan” and he almost exclusively reposts videos of you and roz edited to pop songs about being in love
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): What.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lp i am on my way to your apartment to end your goddamn life
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is oddly very sweet young
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): for many years shane and i thought if we came out as a couple people would hate us
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but no
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): instead you decide to be our #1 fans on tiktok
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it’s called stanning cap
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): and we stan you and holly big time
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I refuse to learn what any of these words mean.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): once again: big dad energy
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Kevin?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah hollz?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You need help killing LP?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): gasp
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i thought you’d never ask ❤️
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): dang
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): should i be running rn?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i think probably yes
—
Luca Haas
January 24th, 2021 – 12:19pm
Shane: Hey Luca. You alright?
Shane: You went kind of silent in the group chat.
Luca Haas: Yes. I am okay.
Luca Haas: Just thinking.
Shane: You want to talk about it?
Shane: We don’t have to. But if you want to, you know. I’m here.
Luca Haas: It feels stupid.
Shane: What does?
Luca Haas: To be so scared.
Luca Haas: Young openly runs a TikTok dedicated to shipping you and Roz. Harris and Troy and you and Ilya come to every team event together and touch and kiss and no one says anything. My family loves me no matter what.
Luca Haas: But I’m still scared.
Luca Haas: When he said “at least” I thought he meant that he knew about me somehow and I panicked.
Shane: Do you want to say what you thought he knew about you? Will that help or make it worse?
Luca Haas: I thought he knew I was gay.
Luca Haas: I have never actually said that to anyone before.
Shane: I’m glad you feel comfortable telling me.
Luca Haas: I mean. You are gay too. And I had a feeling you and Ilya kind of guessed about me, at least.
Luca Haas: Again, it feels so stupid to be scared. Why would you judge me? When you’re like me?
Shane: I mean, I was really scared too.
Luca Haas: Yes but the Metros were awful.
Shane: Sure. But my parents weren’t. I knew they’d love me no matter what and I still didn’t tell them for years.
Shane: Hell, Luca, I didn’t tell ILYA for years. And I was actively sleeping with him! I had to come out to him as gay after seven years of hooking up.
Luca Haas: Oh wow.
Shane: Yeah. And I even found THAT scary, even though of course he was obviously into men too, and he obviously knew I was at least a little bit gay.
Shane: I wasn’t scared because of other people. Not really. I mean, in a way I was. But I was scared for me, mostly.
Shane: I was scared about what it meant and how it would affect hockey and I was scared that it would change how people saw me.
Shane: Because it was just another thing about me that felt like it wasn’t “normal.” The way people would chirp about me not making eye contact and how I don’t get jokes. Or the way people would say casually racist shit like it was meant to be funny. Just another thing to poke and prod at, another thing that made me different.
Shane: It was terrifying.
Shane: So I get being scared. I really do.
Shane: But you’re right. Everyone on this team loves you. And will love you no matter what.
Shane: But also, if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. There’s no rush.
Shane: If I learned anything it’s that you got to do it on your own time. Even if that timeline is sort of long and weird and involves telling people who 100% already know.
Luca Haas: Yes. I guess you’re right.
Luca Haas: Part of it is that it feels wrong to tell the team before I tell my family. And it feels wrong to tell my family over the phone.
Luca Haas: But maybe that is just an excuse to keep putting it off. Because I did not tell them over the summer either, and I could have. I thought about it a lot and just kept not doing it.
Shane: Will you see them again before the summer?
Luca Haas: Probably not. My sister wants to come, but it is far and expensive and she has work.
Shane: I’m sorry Luca. That must be really hard, to be so far away from your family.
Luca Haas: Yes. I was very homesick, my rookie season.
Luca Haas: Less so now, though. Everyone is so nice. I am not so lonely.
Shane: Why don’t you come over for lunch?
Shane: We can talk some more, if you want. Or we can just watch a movie and trash talk the Pacific Division?
Shane: Ilya would love to have you. And I think sometimes he’s better at the advice stuff than I am.
Luca Haas: I would like that. The talking, I think.
Luca Haas: Am I right that Ilya knows too? About me?
Shane: He has a freakishly good sense for these things, but I haven’t told him anything you just told me. And I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Luca Haas: No, it is okay. I do not want to be a reason you keep secrets from each other.
Luca Haas: And I trust Ilya, obviously.
Luca Haas: Is it weird I am disappointed that I am gay because it means I cannot be his second bisexual?
Shane: Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll find his second bisexual somewhere.
Shane: Like I said: he’s really good at sensing these things.
Shane: 🙄
Luca Haas: 😂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 28th, 2022 – 9:18am
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): happy pride night to the gayest team in the league
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [LINK: Twitter.com: “@CentaursGirlie1995: @OttawaCentaurs gayest night of the year with the gayest team in the league wearing the gay marriage jersey we really do keep winning”]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): @Troy Barrett tell ya boi thanks for the extra hollanov jerseys
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): pretty sure kev’s gonna frame his
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): shut the fuck up
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You want us to sign it, Kev?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): god i know you’re chirping but like
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yes 🥺
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ah but when i suggested framing it and putting it over our bed it was “tacky” hollander
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i see how it is
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The framing it is fine! It’s the over the bed part that’s tacky!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Gonna have to agree with Hollz on this one.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): really? i think that’s super cool
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): damnit bergy you are proving shane right
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yeah I don’t think the two married men in their 30s want to take advice from the guy who unironically had a St. Pauli Girl poster in his living room last time I went to his apartment
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): holmes i think i have figured out why you are not getting second dates on tinder
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i walked into this one
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): look sorry we can’t all be ilya rozanov who didn’t need tinder to get laid
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I don’t think Tinder even existed when Roz and Hollz started playing, actually.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): woah are you guys that old?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Don’t say it like that.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): call me old again and die lp
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Although I just Googled it and yeah, Tinder started in 2012, which was definitely after we started playing. And also after we started sleeping together.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Grindr existed back then though.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Started in 2009. Pretty sure Tinder technically ripped it off.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): hazy no offense but why do you know that
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I like knowing things! Sue me!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): wait were either of you ever on grindr then
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): ???
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no holmes
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): why not?? were you already like ~in love~
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i mean yes, but we were too stupid to realize it then
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but we were not on grindr because we were famous people who had to hide that we liked to fuck men
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you think my beautiful anxious flower shane hollander was posting shirtless pictures of himself on the internet to hook up with strangers?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): How can a flower be anxious?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): A flower is just a flower.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): have a sense of poetry моя роза
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You’re not funny.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): wait if you weren’t on the apps how were you like hooking up with people
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): kid tell me you’re kidding
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): you used to do this amazing thing in the past holmes called “meeting people in real life”
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): oh my god
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): bergy buddy i fear you might be medically stupid
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): texting terry to put you concussion protocol as we speak
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): fuck you guys
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): sorry bergy you’re not my type. you said i was a wet kisser. 🙁
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah plus we both prefer a guy who knows about interior design
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’m putting in a trade request rn
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): holmes you cannot request a trade from the queerest team in the league on their pride night it is a bad look
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah kid, sorry. Looks like you’re stuck with us.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): 😭
—
Fam Chat
January 28th, 2022 – 6:42pm
Mom: The jerseys are so cute!
Mom: [PHOTO: A selfie of Yuna and David Hollander in Pride Night themed Hollanov Jerseys]
Dad: Know you boys aren’t on your phones before the game, but good luck!
Mom: Go Centaurs!
—
Fam Chat
January 28th, 2022 – 9:01pm
Mom: Wow. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a stadium go quite so crazy for a kiss cam.
Dad: The lady behind us wolf-whistled! I think she was a little embarrassed when she realized who we are.
Dad: She called Yuna “Mrs. Hollander” twice during her apology for “objectifying your son and his husband.”
Mom: Right. Like I don’t know people find you two hot. 🙄
Mom: I’m the one who booked all of Shane’s ads for years! Even the underwear ones!
—
Fam Chat
January 28th, 2022 – 11:06pm
Shane: Okay, well, these texts are mortifying.
Shane: Hope you guys had fun at the game.
Mom: You two certainly did!
Mom: I fear you kissing Ilya might be very good for his game. Two goals after the kiss cam! Might have to work that into the period break game plan going forward.
Shane: Oh my god.
Ilya ❤️: what can i say
Ilya ❤️: he motivates me ❤️
Shane: Oh my GOD.
Dad: Well son, if you’re embarrassed now I’d avoid social media for a bit. And maybe also ESPN.
Dad: You two are getting a lot of attention.
Mom: Good attention!
Mom: Like I said: people find you hot.
Shane: I am begging you to STOP saying that.
Mom: God forbid I support your marriage!
Ilya ❤️: thank you for the support yuna ❤️
Mom: You’re welcome, honey.
—
Ilya ❤️
January 28th, 2022 – 11:11pm
Shane: Kiss ass.
Ilya ❤️: only ass i want to kiss is yours 😉
Ilya ❤️: have already made flimsy excuse no one buys to get us out of post game drinks
Ilya ❤️: i believe you owe me for my two impressive goals, no?
Shane: I don’t know, should we go out with the team? Captain showing support? Builds morale, I’ve heard.
Ilya ❤️: you are not funny either shane
Ilya ❤️: 😢 abandoning me after i make two incredibly sexy goals motivated by the power of your incredibly beautiful kiss
Shane: I’m almost done changing. Five minutes.
Ilya ❤️: i am counting the seconds ❤️
Shane: ❤️
Shane: Happy Pride Night, by the way. I had fun.
Shane: Everyone cheering when we kissed. I don’t know. I never thought I could have that. Have you, have hockey, have people who were happy I had both. Who supported us.
Shane: I’m glad I was wrong.
Ilya ❤️: i am glad you were wrong too моя любовь
Ilya ❤️: if you had told me even a few years ago that i would get to kiss you in front of sold out crowd in arena in the middle of a game i would have probably fainted from happiness
Ilya ❤️: but stop texting and finish getting dressed so we can go home and i can fuck you senseless, yes? we can have beautiful heart to heart about how meaningful this was after
Shane: Aye aye, Captain.
Ilya ❤️: Заигрывать
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 28th, 2022 – 11:31pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): so are we gonna talk about how roz became a hockey terminator after he and holly made out for the kiss cam or what
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): or about roz’s barely there excuse for why they couldn’t go out after the game lmao
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I need to see some stats, but I’m starting to think that love and friendship might actually be the key to being a successful hockey team?
BBQ Bood (Zane Boodram): if that’s the case we’re never losing again baby 😎
—
Ottawa WAGs
January 29th, 2022 – 10:19am
Ilya ❤️: hello ladies
Ilya ❤️: by chance would any of you happen to have concealer in a shade close to my own skin tone
Melissa Boyle: LOL
Cassie Boodram: Oh my god
Lisa Hayes: Fun pride night, boys?
Ilya ❤️: very 😉
Melissa Boyle: I actually might have something for you if you want to swing by before the party at the Hayes house! The twins would love to see Uncle Shane and Uncle Ilya too, I bet.
Cassie Boodram: I can’t imagine Ilya wanting to cover up a hickey Shane gave him. Shane, this must be your idea?
Shane: I have resigned myself to this chirping because it’s preferable to whatever your husbands would say.
Shane: And yes.
Ilya ❤️: normally my shane is more careful about placement
Ilya ❤️: hard to see his marks unless you are really looking at my thighs
Ilya ❤️: but he is not always perfect
Harris Drover: Shane, Ilya, I mean this with love, but I have absolutely seen hickeys on both of you way, way more than I expected.
Harris Drover: Any time Ilya puts a shirt on for post-game press I just KNOW it’s because of whatever you’ve done to his chest, Shane
Shane: Yes, but most of your husbands write those bruises off as vague hockey injuries.
Shane: They’re not exactly the most perceptive people on Earth when it comes to this stuff. No offense.
Cassie Boodram: No, I believe that.
Cassie Boodram: Although I sometimes wonder if it’s willful ignorance.
Lisa Hayes: “I am choosing not to see this.”
Lisa Hayes: I’m mostly impressed I haven’t heard anything about you two being menaces on road trips. Wyatt used to bitch all the time about how thin the walls were in the hotels Toronto booked.
Harris Drover: Oh, Lindsay books Shane and Ilya onto a different floor.
Lisa Hayes: LMAO. No way.
Harris Drover: lol no
Harris Drover: But she does mostly book the team into nice hotels with good, thick walls.
Shane: Lindsay is my favorite person who works for the Centaurs.
Shane: By far.
Harris Drover: ☹️
Harris Drover: Shaneeee I’m sorry I don’t mean the chirping I love you please forgive me!!!!
Shane: I’ll think about it.
Shane: Mel, we’ll swing by on our way?
Melissa Boyle: Perfect!
—
Ottawa WAGs
January 29th, 2022 – 12:52pm
Melissa Boyle: Shane Hollander, my image of you has forever changed.
Caitlin Dykstra: Oh my god, were they that crazy??
Melissa Boyle: For years Shane had us all believing he was Canada’s Good Boy, a sweet kid-next-door who every mother wanted to marry her daughter.
Melissa Boyle: Little did we know he is half VAMPIRE!
Ilya ❤️: many people seem to think shane is asexual
Ilya ❤️: i have never understood this
Harris Drover: Well, Ilya, you were the primary person he was sleeping with for most of those years.
Harris Drover: And you were also a secret.
Harris Drover: Probably skewed the narrative a bit.
Ilya ❤️: hmmmm perhaps
Harris Drover: You know honestly, this is kind of beautiful?
Caitlin Dykstra: What, Shane giving his husband crazy hickeys on a random weeknight?
Harris Drover: Yeah!
Harris Drover: Shane obviously spent years purposefully curating a specific image to avoid scrutiny and to better hide behind and now he doesn’t have to do that anymore! He can be free to give his husband crazy hickeys whenever he wants!
Harris Drover: The way I see it, we’re the first people to really get to see The Real Shane out in his element in public besides, like, his parents and Ilya and maybe Hayden Pike. And I think that’s beautiful.
Harris Drover: So I support the hickeys.
Lisa Hayes: I never expected to get emotional about hickeys, wow.
Shane: Alright Harris, I forgive you for earlier.
Ilya ❤️: this is very sweet harris but i remind you you have your own hockey player
Ilya ❤️: stay away from mine 🔪 and stop talking about his very nice hickeys 🔪
Melissa Boyle: With the way your neck is honey, I don't think there’s ANY doubting that man is YOURS.
Shane: ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 30th, 2022 – 11:19am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Thank you all for coming yesterday! My family had a lot of fun.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I think Lisa invited you all to a shared album to post photos if you took any!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Here’s my favorite.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): [PHOTO: Shane Hollander sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Wyatt’s nephew, Isaac. Isaac is explaining something and gesturing wildly. Shane is considering him very seriously, listening attentively.]
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Shane, genuinely, did you understand what he was saying to you like at all?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It was definitely about dinosaurs, I can tell you that much.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That sounds about right.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am downloading that photo immediately and keeping it forever
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): roz is adding to the shrine
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): aka the folder of photos of shane on his phone that i saw that’s named “jane” for some reason?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Inside joke.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Thanks for having us Hazy! It was very fun. Your sister and her family are super nice.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): She loved you guys!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): “Way better than those douchebags in Toronto” was a direct quote.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I can second that endorsement.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): it was super fun!! here’s my personal favorite photo i took
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): [PHOTO: Will LaPointe and Luca Haas standing next to each other; LP is squeezing Haas’ cheeks with one hand and grinning at the camera; Haas looks mildly embarrassed by the whole thing.]
The Baby (Luca Haas): Oh god.
The Baby (Luca Haas): LP why did you do that to my face.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i believe we were given the instructions “take a silly one” and you just stood there like the dang emoji
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): 🧍 <- luca when someone says “be silly”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he is swiss lp they do not know how to be silly
The Baby (Luca Haas): I want to defend myself and my people but I don’t know if I have ever been silly
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): it’s okay kid, we like you un-silly too
The Baby (Luca Haas): Thank you. I think.
The Baby (Luca Haas): [PHOTO: A picture of one of Luca’s drawings. It’s a group of people standing in a semi-circle. Although most are loosely sketched, it’s obvious that Wyatt Hayes, Lisa Hayes, Kristy Hayes, Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, and Zane Boodram are depicted. Ilya and Shane are the most detailed – Ilya has an arm around Shane’s shoulder and is smiling brightly; Shane has one arm around Ilya’s waist and a hand covering half his face as he laughs.]
The Baby (Luca Haas): This is not done yet, but I was working on this when I got home last night!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): man kid, you are really good.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Seriously. That’s really fantastic.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we have picture you drew of our wedding in the living room framed
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yuna and david love it very much, i have been meaning to ask you to draw one for them too
The Baby (Luca Haas): Oh wow! Yes, I’d be happy to. 🙂
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wait a minute
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): this drawing looks familiar
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): [PHOTO: That same semi-circle of people in a similar pose; also in the photo, laying on the ground, are Carter Holmberg and Kevin Young. It is deeply unclear why they are lying on the floor.]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): LMAO
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): wow way to cull them from the drawing
The Baby (Luca Haas): They looked very dumb!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): why were we on the floor?????
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i have no idea
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You both arm-wrestled Hazy’s sister, lost, and then arm-wrestled each other, and then decided “your shoulders hurt” and you had to lay down to make yourselves feel better.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It didn’t make that much more sense yesterday, honestly.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And I don’t even think either of you were drunk.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): no that sounds like sober behavior from us
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): honestly valid to cut us out of the drawing haasy
The Baby (Luca Haas): Once again: thank you, I think.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
January 31st, 2022 – 9:09am
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): okay i am aware that the source on this is suspicious as fuck but what the absolute fuck is going on
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): [LINK: Free Skate Hockey Blog: “RUMOR: Commissioner Crowell Considering A Permanent Roll Back on Pride Nights, Ban on Pride Tape”]
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): this can’t be real right? like crowell sucks but this is fucking cartoonish
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): young who sent you this
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): my sister
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i guess this mr hockey dude is the talk of the fuckin town on hockey twitter
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): haley says she never heard of the guy before but he sort of blew up during the all-star game thing
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, that’s the first time we heard about him too.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He was right about the All-Star Game cancellation.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And I went back through some of his older posts – he knew about Troy getting warnings from the commissioner when he was posting about Dallas Kent, and he knows that Crowell and I had that meeting last year before we got outed.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Wait, so you’re saying this might be real? About Pride Nights?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I don’t think he could roll them back completely. It’s up to the teams, right?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, I think you’re right.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He’d probably have to ban “theme” nights altogether, which I don’t think would go over well.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He could ban the stick tape, though.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i mean he’d look like an asshole if he did that though
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): like that’s taking a pretty clear stance
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): and the stance is “homophobia is great” which is a frankly shitty stance imo
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): our marriage has maybe broken his brain
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): last year he was much more subtle about this
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, last year I don’t think he had someone in his office leaking all of his private thoughts to a hockey gossip blog.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): You think this is someone in MLH? Harris says no one in the admin world can figure it out
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I mean, it’s got to be, right?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Who else could know all this?
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yeah I guess you’re right.
The Baby (Luca Haas): So what do we do? We cannot just let him ban Pride Nights, right?
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Harris is in emergency mode.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): If Crowell tries to do anything the Centaurs will probably make a statement. He thinks other teams will too – Pride Night sells out for us, so it’s honestly a bad business decision for us alongside being pretty shitty. And Harris thinks that’s the case for other teams too, they won’t want to lose the money so they’ll complain.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): so far this year crowell has pissed off me personally, mlh player association, and now mlh owners
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he is not a very smart man these are all bad people to piss off
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): of that list you scare me the most
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): that feels like truly the wrong side of you to be on
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): correct 😈
—
Svetlana Vetrova and Ilya ❤️
January 31st, 2022 – 10:11am
Svetlana Vetrova: I am going to kill this fucking guy.
Ilya ❤️: sveta do not kill mlh comissioner
Ilya ❤️: shane and i are very rich but i think even we could not cover bail money for that
Shane: I don’t know. We ARE pretty rich.
Ilya ❤️: моя любовь do not encourage her
Svetlana Vetrova: Encourage me Shane! He is the worst!!
Shane: I hate to say it, but he’s probably not worth your time.
Shane: I feel like you could get away with a much tougher, more interesting murder.
Svetlana Vetrova: Hm. Fine. You are probably right.
Svetlana Vetrova: But fuck this guy.
Svetlana Vetrova: Are you two alright?
Ilya ❤️: yes i think we are fine
Ilya ❤️: this is not exactly a massive surprise
Shane: Yeah. Crowell sucks, but we already knew that.
Shane: I don’t honestly think he has the power to roll back Pride Nights.
Shane: I think this was just something stupid he said and he has a rat in his office.
Svetlana Vetrova: That makes sense.
Svetlana Vetrova: I will do some digging. I want to know who this Mr. Hockey is. I do not have any friends in MLH office but I make friends very easily. 😉
Svetlana Vetrova: I will see you both when you are in Boston next, yes? Shane are you still on that stupid diet?
Shane: You’re getting my weekly cheat night, Svetlana.
Svetlana Vetrova: I am honored.
Svetlana Vetrova: Do we have to bring Ilya? We have so much fun when it’s just the two of us. ❤️
Shane: You’re not wrong.
Ilya ❤️: i never should have introduced you two
Ilya ❤️: massive mistake
Shane: In his defense Svetlana, he’s very good looking. He’ll look nice at our table, right?
Svetlana Vetrova: Hm. I suppose.
Svetlana Vetrova: He can come then.
Ilya ❤️: i hate you both
Svetlana Vetrova: Not even a good lie, Ilyusha.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
February 1st, 2022 – 11:19am
The Baby (Luca Haas): Everyone made fun of me for my Google Alerts. But here I am with BREAKING NEWS:
The Baby (Luca Haas): [LINK: MLH.com: “OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM COMMISSIONER ROGER CROWELL ON PRIDE NIGHTS”]
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): woah haasy i didn’t know you knew what all caps was
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): haasy please stop yelling it’s the morning still
The Baby (Luca Haas): Fuck you both.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): leave luca alone he has brought us news
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and the news is roger crowell sucks
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): not exactly breaking luca
The Baby (Luca Haas): He’s not cancelling Pride Nights!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, he’s leaving it up to the teams. That sounds about right.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The rest of this statement is kind of a mess.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): calling pride tape unfair when it famously kind of sucks is so funny
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): uh no offense to pride tape
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no it is pretty terrible
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): once several seasons ago shane chose not to use it because it sucked and blogs wondered if he was homophobic
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i found this very funny
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It wasn’t.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it was a little
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): “I understand that this is a historic season of Major League Hockey for a number of reasons.” Uh yeah the “reasons” are named Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov and they are MARRIED!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): seriously it’s like he’s trying not to say your names
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): guys i’m gonna say it
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i think roger crowell might be homophobic
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): GASP!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i can’t believe this. holmes tell me you’re joking.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i fear not 🙁
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): This guy is truly a piece of fucking work.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Selena made me go outside so I don’t teach the kids swear words.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): But seriously: fuck this guy.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do your silly quebec swears again i like those
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): 🖕
—
Zack Bennett
February 1st, 2022 – 2:08pm
Zack Bennett: Hey Hollander.
Zack Bennett: Saw Crowell’s statement about Pride Nights.
Zack Bennett: Wanted to let you know that me and a few of the other guys on Miami are gonna start using the pride tape on our sticks for the rest of the season.
Zack Bennett: Not sure if you know Pete Tremblay, in Chicago? He and I were in the same draft class. It was his idea.
Zack Bennett: Just want to say a bunch of us support you.
Shane: Thanks Bennett. That’s a nice gesture.
Zack Bennett: Anytime.
Shane: Look, no offense. But can I ask why?
Zack Bennett: Why?
Shane: Yeah, why are you doing this? The sudden vocal pro gay rights thing?
Shane: You didn’t seem exactly for “the cause” earlier this year. Not to write you off or anything, but I don’t really know how else to interpret what you said after we beat you. It just read as blatantly homophobic.
Shane: And now it’s all donations and dropping out of the All-Star Game and year round pride tape? I just don’t get it.
Zack Bennett: I can’t change my mind?
Zack Bennett: I read some books and shit man. I got educated. Whatever.
Zack Bennett: It’s not a big deal.
Shane: It seems like a big deal to you.
Shane: Because you’re texting me about it. You’re not just doing it.
Shane: You could have just done this without looking to get a big thank you from me. But it seems like you want my approval for some reason.
Shane: I don’t mean to doubt your motives. I just don’t understand what you’re looking for. Or why you’re doing this. What do you want?
Zack Bennett: I don’t want anything.
Zack Bennett: Forget it.
Shane: Bennett. I’m just trying to understand.
Zack Bennett: There’s nothing to fucking understand, Hollander.
Zack Bennett: I was just trying to be nice.
Shane: Alright. Well, thank you then.
Shane: And I’m sorry.
Shane: But if you ever do want to talk or something, I’m around.
Zack Bennett: I’m good, Hollander. Really.
—
Ilya ❤️
February 1st, 2022 – 2:39pm
Shane: [PHOTO: Screenshot of previous texts with Zack Bennett]
Shane: You’re totally sure he’s not gay?
Ilya ❤️: hm
Ilya ❤️: like 99% sure
Ilya ❤️: i suppose i could be wrong but it is unlike me
Shane: I just don’t know what he wants from me.
Shane: Some sort of seal of approval? The official stamp of “hey, don’t worry, you’re not homophobic after all?”
Ilya ❤️: maybe his girlfriend dumped him and he’s trying to prove he’s not homophobic to win her back
Shane: Just, when did I become the ambassador of gay hockey players?
Shane: I thought this shit was Hunter’s job.
Ilya ❤️: it should be
Ilya ❤️: he will need something to do after retirement
Shane: Ha ha.
Ilya ❤️: if i were you i would stop texting bennett
Ilya ❤️: lost cause
Ilya ❤️: he wants something you do not need to give him. you owe him nothing. it is okay to walk away.
Shane: Yeah. Maybe.
Ilya ❤️: you are not going to, are you?
Shane: I don’t know. Something is obviously bothering him.
Shane: I guess I don’t want him to feel alone.
Ilya ❤️: you are very nice
Ilya ❤️: maybe too nice
Ilya ❤️: but i love this about you
Ilya ❤️: the store has weird protein bars you like. i will bring you one because i am amazing husband.
Ilya ❤️: also ginger ale
Shane: Thanks.❤️
Shane: Are you on your way back?
Shane: I miss you.
Ilya ❤️: 🏃
Shane: 😘
Chapter End Notes
tired: the centaurs see shane and ilya's hickeys and find them kind of gross
wired: the centaurs see shane and ilya's hickeys and find them to be deeply sweet
inspired: the centaurs see shane and ilya's hickeys but mistake them for vague hockey bruises because they're all sharing one brain celli came very close to calling this chapter "a pride night to remember" except a night to remember is a movie about the titanic so it felt maybe a little overdramatic
as always thank you all for reading! i am getting pretty close to finishing this and i think it's going to be about eleven chapters?? but subject to change because i love to yap
russian translations below
моя роза -- my rose
моя любовь -- my love
Заигрывать -- flirt/tease
Chapter 7: Alright, Seriously, What the Fuck Is Up With Zack Bennett?
Chapter Notes
Unknown Number (Maybe: Sara)
February 13th, 2022 – 9:19am
Unknown Number (Maybe: Sara): Hi Shane! This is Sara from Evergreen Flowers. I just wanted to confirm the address on your delivery for tomorrow – this appears to be a hockey rink?
Shane: Yes, that’s correct. Security knows you’re coming, they should be able to wave you in.
Unknown Number (Maybe: Sara): Okay! We’ll be there before 10am like requested!
—
Harris Drover
February 14th, 2022 – 9:31am
Harris Drover: Shane! The flowers in Ilya’s stall are adorable!
Harris Drover: He’s going to blush like an absolute idiot lol.
Shane: That’s the goal.
Shane: He insisted on cooking breakfast this morning and has already been chirping me about “beating” me at Valentine’s Day.
Shane: Little does he know.
Harris Drover: Kind of wild you two are competitive even about this.
Shane: We’re competitive about everything.
Harris Drover: Oh trust me Shane. I know.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
February 14th, 2022 – 3:08pm
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: Ilya Rozanov in front of his stall at the Centaurs rink. Placed inside the stall is a frankly massive vase filled with red roses and pink lilies. Ilya is blushing and smiling softly; there are tears in his eyes.]
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): [PHOTO: Ilya and Shane together in the locker room; Ilya is gripping Shane by the jaw and Shane has his hands on Ilya’s hips. They are smiling at each other and do not seem to be aware a photo is being taken.]
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): As promised sending the photos I took of this amazing moment (thank you to Harris for the forewarning so we can use these forever as blackmail material).
The Baby (Luca Haas): Troy Harris is not in this chat you do not have to thank him.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): he does because he’s in luuuuuuurve
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Okay like any of you famously married assholes are any better. 🙄
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Fair enough. This is a very “we love our wives and husbands” team.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): lmao at those pics. i don’t think roz stopped smiling for a single minute of practice.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it’s honestly shocking he didn’t try to get practice cancelled so he and shane could just go home 🤷
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): why cancel practice
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): everyone had to stay at practice to know my husband is the most romantic man on earth
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you all wish your wives had thought to send you beautiful flowers
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Honestly, kind of fair.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Why do guys never get flowers?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You could always ask Lisa to get you flowers.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m pretty sure she would.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You’re right man. I should.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’d also like to remind SOME people in this group chat that they spent the entire drive to the rink today accusing me of “forgetting Valentine’s Day.”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i was joking! i did not think you actually forgot
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i know you are secretly a big romantic at heart shane hollander
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i know all your secrets
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I guess you do.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): amazing stuff guys
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): just watched bergy redownload tinder again
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): bergy i think we must get you a new app
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The real question is why do you keep UNdownloading it?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i keep thinking raya will let me in
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what the fuck is raya
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): damn you guys really have been together since forever huh
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ???
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): don’t worry about it cap
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you have a husband who buys you flowers you don’t need to know about The Apps
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes i do have an amazing husband ❤️
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
February 28th, 2022 – 3:19pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): [LINK: The Athletic: “MLH Player’s Poll: Best Player? How’s Roger Crowell Doing? Thoughts on the All-Star Game? Most Punchable Player?”]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): congrats to the best player in the league (holly) and the guy who’s no longer the most punchable guy in the league (roz)
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): hockey players are all idiots with brain damage
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): only reason i came second to shane for best player
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): By four whole percentage points.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): within margin of error basically
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Whatever makes you feel better, baby.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Do you mean that in the pet name way or are you calling him a baby?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Both. 🙂
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): LMAO at this guy who doesn’t want to punch roz bc of holly
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): so real cap the husband has done a lot of image rehab for you
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): To be fair, Comeau and Cardot did a lot of work to earn their spots on that list this year.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): seriously, fuck those guys
The Baby (Luca Haas): Everyone being mean to Crowell is very funny.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Were any of you polled for this?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane and i were yes
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): will not tell you which answers we gave 😈
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lmaooo holly did you name roz most punchable player be honest
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): we’d all understand
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No. I never answered him for that question, actually.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Really? Even at the height of the rivalry?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Well, I guess it was never real.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it was real. just was more sexy than anyone guessed.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya is deeply annoying to play against, don’t get me wrong, but I never really wanted to punch him.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): seriously? even when he was a horrendously smug asshole who was chirping you nonstop?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah. That usually just made me want to kiss him.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): gross ❤️
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no homophobia in group chat lp
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): it’s not homophobia if i add a heart emoji cap!!!!!!
Banned From Aux (Evan Dykstra): they should add that as a question next year: most kissable player.
Banned From Aux (Evan Dykstra): as important as “most punchable” i think
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane would win every year ❤️
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and then i will have to kill everyone who answered him 🔪
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): never change, roz. never change.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
March 24th, 2022 – 11:39pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): alright
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): that was a weird fucking game right
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): incredibly strange vibes
The Baby (Luca Haas): I guess the pride tape on their sticks is nice but I still don’t trust Zack Bennett.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I might steal that idea though! A nice subtle fuck off to Crowell.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane did you ever learn more about the donation Bennett made?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We texted a few times, but not really.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Honestly, our last conversation ended kind of tensely. The weird vibes might be my fault.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But also, that was more than a month ago, so you think he’d be over it by now.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): He did not make eye contact with you once. It was very strange.
The Baby (Luca Haas): What do you mean by tense? Did he say something homophobic?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No, not like that.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I just asked him why he was doing all this and he got defensive.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I definitely think something’s up with him, but Ilya says I’m being nicer than I need to be.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you said it yourself. you are not ambassador of gay people. scott hunter is. let him deal with this one.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): lmaoooo oh man i know hunter would hate hearing you say that
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Anyway, at one point we talked about maybe getting a drink after this game, but given he couldn’t look me in the eye on the ice I don’t think that’s happening.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): maybe i’m getting old now but the idea of going out to drink in the middle of this endless fucking roadtrip sounds miserable
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): which sucks because miami actually has good nightlife
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): dude i’m falling asleep the MINUTE my head hits the pillow i’m so fucking tired
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): normally i would tell you all to be young and go out and have fun
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but we are very close to clinching playoff spot
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and as birthday present to luca i expect us to have clinched before his party at the end of the month
The Baby (Luca Haas): Ilya my birthday was over the summer.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and we did not get to celebrate!!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will buy you shots and hopefully celebrate baby’s second playoff run
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and just a reminder shane that you do not have to go if you do not want to!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I want to! I feel like YOU don’t want me to.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): моя любовь i want you with me always
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but i also do not want you to do things you do not find fun
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Going to the club will be fun.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander:) For instance, it’ll be really fun watching Luca try and fail to do shots.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Hey! It’s my birthday! You have to be nice to me! No chirping!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): oh so NOW it’s your birthday
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you are such a youngest child luca i stg
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shut up!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): first we clinch playoffs
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): then we make fun of luca on his fake second birthday
The Baby (Luca Haas): You can’t make fun of the fake second birthday! You made it up!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you forget luca
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i do what i want 😎
The Baby (Luca Haas): 🙁
—
Fam Chat
March 28th, 2022 – 11:39pm
Mom: Congrats on the playoff clinch boys!!!
Mom: A great game!!!
Dad: Your daughter is very happy!
Dad: [PHOTO: A picture of Anya Hollander-Rozanova with her tongue out, almost smile-like, sitting on the Hollander couch. She is wearing a Centaurs bandana around her collar.]
Ilya ❤️: my baby!
Ilya ❤️: thank you yuna and david! very glad to be back in the playoffs
Ilya ❤️: better this year than any other year ❤️
Shane: Awww, she’s so sweet.
Shane: I miss her.
Shane: Thanks Mom, thanks Dad.
Shane: We’re pretty excited.
Shane: And yeah. I think these playoffs will be the best yet. ❤️
Mom: Go celebrate! Call us tomorrow.
Mom: We’ll see you in a few days when you’re back.
Shane: Send more Anya pics tomorrow.
Dad: Of course.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
March 27th, 2022 – 11:58pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): PLAYOFFS FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW LET’S GO BOYZZZZZZZ
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Hazy you’re a goddamn brick wall!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): The city of Chicago HATES HIM! Man Prevents Hockey Team From Winning with ONE WEIRD TRICK! (being absolutely UNSTOPPABLE RAAAAAAH)
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): okay everyone stop texting and finish getting dressed so we can go OUT
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): first round on me (and also shane because we share a bank account now)
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but seriously i am very proud of all of you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): has been an incredible season and you all deserve it
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but tonight especially hazy
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Awww shucks guys, thanks.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Seriously, Hazy, that was all you man.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And like a very tiny bit Ilya.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Very tiny.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): are you setting me up for a dick joke on purpose
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): or are you much more tired than i thought
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Fuck off, asshole.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): that last text was really undermined by you looking up to stick your tongue out at him like a child, holly
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He started it. 🙄
—
Zack Bennett
March 28th, 2022 – 1:19am
Zack Bennett: congrats man
Zack Bennett: on making playoffs
Zack Bennett: agian
Zack Bennett: fcking ottawa being the team to beat who knew
Zack Bennett: fuckin hockey dyusnayty or whatever
—
Ilya ❤️
March 28th, 2022 – 1:22am
Shane: I’m like 90% sure Zack Bennett is drunk texting me right now?
Ilya ❤️: he is very lucky we do not play miami again
Ilya ❤️: i would kill him
Shane: They’re not sexy drunk texts.
Shane: He’s congratulating me on making playoffs.
Ilya ❤️: with you that is basically sexting
Ilya ❤️: tell him you are married
Shane: I think he knows.
Shane: It was kind of a big story.
Ilya ❤️: tell him again 😡
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
March 28th, 2022 – 1:30am
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): roz and holly stop texting each other while you’re sitting next to each other in a bar challenge, level: impossible
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): watching them just decide they’re done listening to us is so hurtful 🙁
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): oh forgive ME for texting my own husband
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): try having something interesting to say and maybe i will pay attention
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): guys we’re all in a room together why are we texting
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You know Ev, fair point.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
March 31st, 2022 – 9:19am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): happy fake second birthday luca
The Baby (Luca Haas): 🙄
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do not roll your eyes at me young man i have gone through a lot of work to throw you nice party
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He called a club and booked a VIP section. I don’t think it was that much work.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): hey it’s a club in boston! i had to sit through twenty minutes of sad questions about why i left and complaints that they will never win cup again without me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): emotionally very tiring
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): lmao do you have a go to answer for when people ask you why you left
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): used to be “i like the challenge of building something new”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): now i just say “look you would move to another country too if it meant you got spend the rest of your life with the most wonderful person alive”
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): cheeseball answer
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): don’t listen to him i saw his eyes fill with tears as he read that
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): shut the fuck up man
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s okay, Young. I’d say listening to his deeply romantic declarations gets easier but it’s been several years and I still cry every time, so.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah but you’re married to him i think you’re supposed to cry
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hey we can all be touched by the power of love between our beautiful hockey dads
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m gonna let the dad thing slide this time, because that was pretty sweet LP.
Roz's Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But just this time.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hell fucking yeah
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): anyway tonight is simple
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we beat boston on ice
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we meet in hotel lobby after game
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we go to nightclub and buy luca drinks for his fake second birthday and to celebrate going to playoffs AGAIN because we are the greatest hockey team on earth
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): everyone understand?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Oui oui, Capitaine.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good. now lets go kick some fucking ass.
—
Zack Bennett
April 1st, 2022 – 10:11am
Zack Bennett: When did you realize you were gay?
Shane: What.
Shane: Is this an April Fools thing?
Shane: Because honestly I’m kind of hungover, so I’m really not in the mood for it.
Zack Bennett: No, it’s not.
Zack Bennett: Sorry, I realize this was a weird text given everything else.
Shane: Yeah man, a bit.
Zack Bennett: I just
Zack Bennett: Shit. You were right, alright?
Zack Bennett: About it being about other stuff I guess
Shane: Bennett. I was serious about the hangover. What the fuck are you talking about.
Zack Bennett: I just
Zack Bennett: Like did you always know? That you liked dudes?
Zack Bennett: Or what it like something you realized later
Shane: I am honestly probably the worst person you could be having this conversation with.
Shane: I slept with a man for seven years before I admitted I was gay to myself.
Shane: And I had to be told by a movie star.
Zack Bennett: . . . Is that an April Fools thing?
Shane: I wish.
Zack Bennett: But you were like sleeping with dudes
Zack Bennett: Did you think you were bi or?
Shane: I don’t know.
Shane: Not really.
Shane: I guess I hoped I’d meet a woman who’d like. Fix me.
Shane: Not that I was broken.
Shane: But I sort of thought I was. At the time.
Shane: Why are you asking?
Zack Bennett: Did you see that you made the gossip blogs today? You and Rozanov.
Zack Bennett: Guess you went out last night?
Shane: It was a birthday party for Luca Haas. And a playoff celebration thing.
Shane: Hence the hangover.
Shane: Is it us making out in the club?
Zack Bennett: No, just you guys leaving.
Zack Bennett: [LINK: Instagram: Post by @TROITOI: “SPOTTED! Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander leave Boston-area nightclub days after clinching playoff berth. A celebration, perhaps?”]
Zack Bennett: I don’t know, I saw Rozanov call you his soulmate and I guess it got me thinking.
Shane: He did that?
Zack Bennett: Read the comments.
Shane: Oh.
—
Ilya ❤️
April 1st, 2022 – 10:15am
Shane: I’m your soulmate, huh?
Ilya ❤️: yes
Ilya ❤️: of course
Ilya ❤️: it is why i waited in a long ass line getting you terrible breakfast sandwich and coffee
Ilya ❤️: to fix your hangover from drinking three beers
Ilya ❤️: because i love you and would do anything for you
Shane: You’re mine too, you know.
Ilya ❤️: i know shane
Ilya ❤️: it is you and i always
Shane: Always.
—
Zack Bennett
April 1st, 2022 – 10:15am
Zack Bennett: I guess it just got me thinking
Zack Bennett: About like how hard it must have been for you two
Zack Bennett: Like idk it’s one thing to be gay and another thing to date the guy you’ve been professionally pitted against your whole life
Zack Bennett: Like Scott Hunter’s husband is Just Some Guy right?
Zack Bennett: But like obviously you and Rozanov are like so in love or whatever
Shane: Bennett. No offense or whatever but I’m going to need you to start making sense in the next five minutes or I’m giving up.
Shane: I can recommend a good therapist if that’s what you need.
Shane: If you need me to coach you out of the closet I’m going to request we postpone that until I’m not hungover and in an airport, alright?
Zack Bennett: What????
Zack Bennett: What the fuck dude, I’m not gay!
Zack Bennett: What gave you that idea?
Shane: Like every text you have sent me since the season opener, man.
Shane: Ilya said you weren’t gay, though. And he is usually right about these things.
Zack Bennett: You talk about this with Rozanov?
Shane: He’s my fucking soulmate, Bennett. Of course I talk about this with him.
Shane: If you’re not gay, what is this about?
Zack Bennett: I have a brother.
Zack Bennett: You met him once, actually.
Zack Bennett: You did a speech at a Prospect event charity dinner a couple years ago? He’s on the US team.
Zack Bennett: Matt. We call him Matty.
Shane: I’m sorry, I don’t really remember. I do a lot of events.
Zack Bennett: That’s okay.
Zack Bennett: He’s a great kid. He’s at Michigan right now but he got drafted last year by New Jersey.
Zack Bennett: He’s going to finish out the season at college and then probably go into the big leagues right after.
Zack Bennett: He lives off campus. With a roommate. A male roommate. A guy on his team. Who he hangs out with constantly and posts on Instagram all the time and it’s always just the two of them together in every post.
Zack Bennett: And he hasn’t spoken to me since I said what I said after the season opener. About you and Roz.
Zack Bennett: He sent me this massive text. Like. Seven paragraphs.
Zack Bennett: So fucking angry. He called me a piece of shit and told me he never wants to talk to me again.
Zack Bennett: And he didn’t come home for Christmas. My mom is so mad at me and she’s right.
Zack Bennett: He’s my fucking brother man. And I feel like I fucked this up. Because I’m pretty sure he’s gay or something and in like a real relationship with his teammate and it’s like, I don’t know how to make him talk to me again. I can’t not talk to him.
Zack Bennett: So I thought I’d donate all this money to show I’m like supportive or whatever and that didn’t work
Zack Bennett: And I’m trying man, really, I’m trying, but I don’t know how to make him not be mad at me.
Zack Bennett: I guess I thought maybe if you and I became friends he’d forgive me?
Shane: Jesus.
Shane: This is a lot for 10am.
Shane: Shit, we’re about to board.
Shane: Look, can I text you back in a couple of hours?
Shane: I will text you back. I promise.
Zack Bennett: Okay.
Shane: Seriously. When I land. I promise.
Zack Bennett: Safe travels man.
Shane: Thanks.
—
Zack Bennett, Wyatt Hayes, Troy Barrett, and Ilya ❤️
April 1st, 2022 – 3:19pm
Shane: Alright.
Zack Bennett: You made a group chat?
Zack Bennett: Who are these other numbers?
Shane: I needed reinforcements.
Shane: Advice is not exactly my best area.
Wyatt Hayes: What’s up Bennett? It’s Wyatt Hayes.
Troy Barrett: Troy Barrett 👋
Ilya ❤️: hello zack bennett
Ilya ❤️: i hope you know i do not normally tolerate strange men texting my husband
Zack Bennett: You put Rozanov, Barrett and your fucking goalie in a group chat with me????
Shane: I picked the most sexually self aware man I have ever met, a famous ex public homophobe who went on a redemption tour before he came out, and a guy I know with a gay sister.
Wyatt Hayes: This is basically The Avengers of supportive group chats man
Ilya ❤️: no one knows what you mean hazy
Zack Bennett: Dude the Avengers was a pretty famous movie
Wyatt Hayes: HAH! Suck it Roz!
Ilya ❤️: sorry i was too busy getting laid to watch lame movies 🤷
Shane: Okay you two are not being as helpful as I hoped.
Zack Bennett: Did you tell them what I told you?
Troy Barrett: Yeah he caught us up on the plane.
Wyatt Hayes: You wish to become a changed man.
Wyatt Hayes: And we are here to change you.
Zack Bennett: I just want my brother to stop hating me.
Troy Barrett: Yeah, sounds like that’s going to require some change.
Zack Bennett: I mean, I already donated all that money?
Ilya ❤️: money is not change
Ilya ❤️: it is just money
Ilya ❤️: it means nothing to your brother
Ilya ❤️: it does not help him
Ilya ❤️: you cannot buy your brother’s love bennett
Ilya ❤️: trust me on that one
Shane: These guys are right. The money and the pride tape is a nice thing, but it doesn’t mean shit if you’re still saying slurs casually and wincing every time you see two guys kiss.
Shane: Or calling being gay “distracting.”
Zack Bennett: I didn’t really mean that.
Ilya ❤️: no?
Wyatt Hayes: No offense man, but didn’t you?
Zack Bennett: I don’t know.
Zack Bennett: I was mad about losing.
Ilya ❤️: and mad you lost to cocksuckers, no?
Ilya ❤️: this will go better if you are honest with yourself bennett
Zack Bennett: Yeah. Yeah I guess.
Zack Bennett: I guess I always thought that being good at sports and being gay were like
Zack Bennett: I dunno, non compatible.
Zack Bennett: Gay guys don’t do macho shit like this.
Ilya ❤️: shane, troy and i are better hockey players than you will ever be and we like cock
Ilya ❤️: two things are unrelated
Troy Barrett: Jesus, Ilya.
Troy Barrett: Kinda throwing him in the deep end.
Ilya ❤️: what? it is true
Ilya ❤️: i have looked up your brother as well bennett and he is better than you also
Ilya ❤️: young, needs some work, but he will be somebody
Ilya ❤️: he will do that with or without you
Zack Bennett: I want to be there for him.
Zack Bennett: I’m fucking trying.
Ilya ❤️: you are not trying very hard
Ilya ❤️: you are throwing money and meaningless tape at a problem and hoping he forgives you without you having to do any actual work
Ilya ❤️: it is fucking bullshit
Zack Bennett: This is why I went to Hollander and not you, man. At least he’s fucking polite.
Ilya ❤️: you did not go to shane. shane got your number and went to you
Ilya ❤️: do not rewrite history
Shane: He’s right.
Shane: You apologized in the press and gave us money, but you never said sorry to me and Ilya until I reached out first.
Shane: And even then I think you only did it so I’d say it was okay and you could take a screenshot to prove something to Matt.
Zack Bennett: What do you fucking want from me?
Zack Bennett: What else am I supposed to do?
Wyatt Hayes: You ever read Ms. Marvel?
Zack Bennett: ???
Ilya ❤️: perhaps now is not the time hazy
Shane: No, hold on, I want to hear where he’s going with this one.
Troy Barrett: Honestly, same.
Wyatt Hayes: THANK YOU to my real friends (NOT ROZ)
Ilya ❤️: 🖕
Wyatt Hayes: Anyway
Wyatt Hayes: Ms. Marvel. 2014. Issue #5. She learns she has superpowers and decides to try and figure them out. Become a proper superhero.
Wyatt Hayes: She says something I’ve thought about a lot, since then.
Wyatt Hayes: “Good is not a thing you are. It’s a thing you do.”
Wyatt Hayes: You want your brother to think of you as good. Hell, maybe you just want to be good. That’s awesome. But it’s not passive. It’s something you got to work for.
Wyatt Hayes: You got to do good man. You don’t get to just BE good, you feel me?
Zack Bennett: Okay, but that’s what donating the money was, right?
Zack Bennett: That was me doing good, or whatever.
Wyatt Hayes: You gotta keep doing it.
Wyatt Hayes: It’s not a thing you do once and then you just get to use that forever.
Wyatt Hayes: It’s more like a choice you have to make every day when you wake up.
Shane: Have you talked to your brother at all?
Zack Bennett: I told you, he won’t talk to me.
Shane: But are you talking to him anyway?
Shane: So he won’t text you back – are you still texting him?
Shane: Telling him how you feel? Explaining yourself and your actions?
Zack Bennett: I mean
Zack Bennett: No
Troy Barrett: Dude.
Wyatt Hayes: Seriously: dude.
Shane: Dude.
Ilya ❤️: what they said
Zack Bennett: What? He obviously doesn’t want to hear from me
Wyatt Hayes: So what did you expect here? Your brother would read about your Irina Foundation donation in the news and decide to forgive you, no conversation needed?
Zack Bennett: Well
Zack Bennett: When you say it like that
Ilya ❤️: you are very stupid bennett
Zack Bennett: Christ, man. If you don’t want to help me just leave the group chat, alright?
Ilya ❤️: i will help you
Ilya ❤️: but not for you
Ilya ❤️: for your brother
Ilya ❤️: he deserves better, i think
Zack Bennett: Well
Zack Bennett: Thanks, I guess.
Zack Bennett: So, okay, it’s not enough to just donate money and I have to actually talk to Matty. Fine. What the hell do I say?
Shane: I’d probably start with “I’m sorry.”
Wyatt Hayes: Not a bad opener.
Zack Bennett: Okay. And then what.
Shane: Can I ask you a rude question?
Zack Bennett: It can’t possibly be ruder than anything your husband has said to me so far
Shane: Would you actually be okay with your brother being gay?
Shane: If his roommate really is his boyfriend. Would that bother you?
Shane: I guess I want to know if you want to fix this because it’s hurting your mother and making family holidays awkward or if you want to fix this because you actually value your relationship with your brother and really do love him unconditionally.
Zack Bennett: Dude of fucking course I love him unconditionally. He’s my brother. I’d love him if he was like a serial killer, I think.
Tory Barrett: That’s not always a given, man.
Ilya ❤️: no it is not
Zack Bennett: Shit.
Zack Bennett: I guess like
Zack Bennett: I don’t know, thinking about him having sex skeevs me out but I think it would if he had a girlfriend too, honestly. He’s still a little kid in my head sometimes, even though he’s about to be twenty.
Zack Bennett: He’s never really dated anyone. He was really shy in high school, reserved. Mostly he just cared about hockey.
Zack Bennett: You kind of remind me of him, Hollander. Or he reminds me of you?
Zack Bennett: He had your poster on his wall forever.
Ilya ❤️: okay he is definitely gay
Ilya ❤️: or bisexual 👀
Troy Barrett: I think lots of people had Shane Hollander posters who weren’t necessarily queer, Roz
Ilya ❤️: did you have one barrett? you are proving my point
Shane: Okay once again I think we’ve veered into being “not helpful.”
Wyatt Hayes: Look man, when my sister came out you know the first thing I said to her?
Zack Bennett: What?
Wyatt Hayes: It was “I love you.”
Wyatt Hayes: And she knew that, but a part of her also kind of didn’t know that, you know?
Zack Bennett: Uh
Zack Bennett: Not really?
Shane: It’s not really logical.
Shane: I knew my parents loved me unconditionally but I was still terrified to tell them about myself.
Shane: Not because I thought they were homophobes or that they would disown me. Just because I convinced myself it made me disappointing. Not the son they wanted. Not the person they’d hoped I’d be.
Shane: We spend so much of our lives being told it’s bad or abnormal to be queer. That we’re deviants or perverts or whatever.
Shane: And we specifically spend so much time in locker rooms hearing people make gay cracks and say slurs. So much time hearing the dudes we’re supposed to work with every day say awful awful shit about us.
Shane: It’s hard to get over that. Really hard.
Troy Barrett: Your brother has been hearing the same shit you heard in locker rooms his whole life. And he’s probably fucking terrified about what means for him. Even with more out queer players than ever you can still count all the active ones on one hand right now.
Ilya ❤️: you are the only person he is comfortable enough to push back with
Ilya ❤️: he cannot call his teammates names and tell them to fuck off. not if he is afraid of them looking too closely and seeing something he does not want seen
Ilya ❤️: but you he can tell to fuck off
Zack Bennett: You think, what? He wanted me to look closer? To realize something without him having to say it?
Ilya ❤️: i do not know your brother bennett, so this i cannot say
Ilya ❤️: but yes, possibly
Ilya ❤️: possibly he is hoping you love him more than you hate gay people
Zack Bennett: I don’t hate gay people.
Wyatt Hayes: Don’t make us all text “dude” again, dude.
Zack Bennett: Seriously! I don’t!
Zack Bennett: I just don’t get why it has to be, like, in my face all the time I guess.
Shane: Four active queer hockey players is “in your face all the time?”
Ilya ❤️: do your teammates not tell stories about all of their sex lives? the puck bunnies they fuck, the girls they pick up in clubs?
Ilya ❤️: that was what we talked about in boston
Ilya ❤️: no one ever thought that was being “shoved in their face”
Zack Bennett: Fuck
Wyatt Hayes: You gotta change your thinking, man.
Wyatt Hayes: You can’t be okay with gay people in theory but grossed out when they exist publicly in front of you.
Wyatt Hayes: Or, well, I guess you CAN, but your brother will probably never introduce you to his boyfriend if you do that.
Shane: I would just be honest.
Shane: With Matt.
Shane: Tell him you’re sorry and you love him and you want to be there for him.
Shane: And ask him what that means.
Shane: Honestly, asking him how you can make this up to him is probably better than asking me.
Shane: On account of: I don’t know him.
Ilya ❤️: shane is right
Ilya ❤️: and also very handsome
Zack Bennett: Dude.
Ilya ❤️: this is exposure therapy bennett it will be good for you
Ilya ❤️: get used to hearing men calling other men handsome so you don’t flinch when your brother brings his boyfriend home and kisses him on the mouth in front of you
Zack Bennett: Right. Okay.
Shane: And look, man. You are going to make mistakes. You’re going to fuck this up.
Shane: Don’t get defensive when Matt tells you you’ve fucked up.
Shane: Say you’re sorry, really mean it, and try to not fuck it up in the future.
Troy Barrett: You know I’m not sure you needed us Shane. That’s pretty good advice.
Troy Barrett: I’ll also say, as a guy who fucked a lot up, it make take him some time to forgive you.
Troy Barrett: Honestly, he might not forgive you.
Troy Barrett: No one really owes you forgiveness. I got very lucky so many people forgave me.
Troy Barrett: But I had to earn that. Really earn that. Like Hazy said, I had to wake up every day and try to do good.
Troy Barrett: You do that long enough people might start to believe you mean it.
Zack Bennett: God. I didn't even think that he might not forgive me.
Zack Bennett: I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t forgive me.
Ilya ❤️: he will forgive you
Ilya ❤️: you are his brother
Ilya ❤️: it is a very specific relationship. he is the only person who has lived the life you lived. no one else will understand it. not his boyfriend. no one.
Ilya ❤️: it is hard to let that go
Zack Bennett: You think he’d forgive me just because he’s my brother?
Ilya ❤️: tell him you are sorry. tell him you want to make a better world. tell him you want to try and then actually try. he will forgive you.
Shane: You do have to actually try though.
Shane: It can’t just be about donating money either.
Shane: It has to be calling out the way guys talk in the locker room. Calling out fucking Crowell.
Shane: No offense Bennett, but I think you’ve got to keep putting your mouth where your money is, you know?
Zack Bennett: Yeah, I know.
Zack Bennett: I was genuinely pissed off about the All-Star Game
Zack Bennett: Felt like it meant less for me to go if I wasn’t actually playing against the league’s best.
Zack Bennett: I wasn’t just saying that to say that.
Ilya ❤️: what you said was good
Ilya ❤️: you were right about it being homophobic
Ilya ❤️: and i will admit the stick tape is good too
Ilya ❤️: subtle but gets the point across
Zack Bennett: Wow. Thanks.
Zack Bennett: Is it weird that means more to me because I know you really mean it?
Zack Bennett: Like you wouldn't have said it if you didn’t mean it.
Wyatt Hayes: Nah man, that’s how a compliment from Rozanov works.
Shane: True.
Zack Bennett: Okay. I think maybe I’ll write him a letter or an email or something
Zack Bennett: Like. Give myself some time to really get my thoughts together?
Zack Bennett: And then he doesn’t have to reply right away or anything if he needs more time or space or whatever.
Shane: I think that sounds like a good idea, Bennett.
Zack Bennett: And you’re right. About the locker room talk and stuff. I’ll work harder about it.
Zack Bennett: And Tremby’s doing some charity stuff, I’ll see if I can get in on that.
Troy Barrett: Maybe reach out to some Miami area LBGTQ organizations and see if they want to partner with you or the team?
Zack Bennett: Yeah. That’s a good idea.
Zack Bennett: And the next time Crowell says something stupid and shitty I’ll call him out again.
Ilya ❤️: smart because he definitely will
Shane: Definitely.
Shane: I know doing this stuff puts a target on your back a bit, Bennett. And I know that’s scary.
Shane: It’s why I kept my mouth shut for so long, even when I knew I was gay.
Shane: But I’ve realized that every target we put on our backs takes it away from someone else down the line.
Shane: Maybe by the time your brother’s on the roster in New Jersey there will be more guys who are willing to speak up then there are ones who stay silent because they’re scared, you know?
Zack Bennett: Yeah.
Zack Bennett: I feel like
Zack Bennett: I don’t know. Like I made the world harder for him.
Zack Bennett: Like I made it hard for him to talk to me.
Zack Bennett: I don’t want to be someone he’s afraid of. Or someone he has to hide from.
Zack Bennett: I wish I hadn’t made it hard for him.
Wyatt Hayes: Hey man, you know what they say.
Wyatt Hayes: Best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is today.
Ilya ❤️: put what you said in your letter bennett
Ilya ❤️: do not waste your thoughts on us when you could be telling him
Troy Barrett: And good luck, man.
Zack Bennett: Thanks.
Zack Bennett: For being the supportive gay-and-ally Avengers I guess.
Wyatt Hayes: Anytime dude.
Shane: Let us know how it goes with your brother.
Zack Bennett: Yeah.
Zack Bennett: And good luck with playoffs.
Zack Bennett: Don’t tell anyone, but I’m kind of pulling for you guys.
Troy Barrett: Your secret is safe with us.
Chapter End Notes
g willow wilson ms marvel run is deeply important to ME and in this way i am like wyatt hayes (a nerd)
i truly in my heart believe that shane is initially a bit reluctant to live with a dog and within a month he is As Bad as ilya. his parents facetime when they're on long roadtrips and he's like "okay nice to see you mom and dad show me anya NOW"
a lot of you guessed where it was going with zack bennett but i sincerely hope the payoff was worth it! as per usual i tried to balance some of the serious stuff with sappy nonsense so you get "grand gestures on valentines day" in this chapter too. i kinda wanna do a hollanov valentines day through the years fic so maybe that will materialize someday (alongside my 900 plot bunnies. do the kids still call them plot bunnies? am i a fandom old for saying that?)
as always you guys are so lovely!! thank you so much for following along :)
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 10, 2022 – 9:11am
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): lol
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): lmao even
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): [LINK: Montreal Times: “Metros to Miss Playoffs For First Season In Over Ten Years”]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): HER SISTER WAS A WITCH AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE DAWG!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): young once again i have no idea what you’re talking about
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Holmes I mean no offense by this, but this is not exactly surprising news
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): yeah montreal have been dog shit lol
The Baby (Luca Haas): Wait did you actually read this article Bergy????
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): no i just googled “metros” and sent the first link i saw when i heard they got eliminated
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): why
The Baby (Luca Haas): This says Montreal wants to re-sign Shane?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): What?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): They don’t actually mean that.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That’s lip service to the fans.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): remember that last game in montreal when they cut to those kids holding up COME HOME SHANE signs and crying because we were up 4-0
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): it was awesome to see those losers cry lol
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You enjoyed the sight of crying children, Young?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i enjoyed the sight of crying metros fans as i always do
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I think you’re spending too much time with Ilya.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i have taught you well my son 🙏
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Anyway, I have a no movement clause.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m not going anywhere.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): lol shane
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Trust me, Hollz, we know you’re not going anywhere.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): my son is practically saying your name man. you do yoga with my wife. we regularly get brunch.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): you eat dinner with your parents three times a week when we’re all in town and like the rest of the time you’re either hosting us or being hosted by one of us
The Baby (Luca Haas): You made us all go onto a trip to the Rideau Canal together and take group pictures!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Both my kids AND Boyle’s kids call you “Uncle Shane” and complain if they have to go more than two weeks without seeing you.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Every WAG is entirely obsessed with you, and Lisa plans to 100% hold you to joining her book club over the summer because you cried during the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie at WAG wine night. You also regularly attend WAG wine night.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): You take extra time nearly every practice to work with everyone on whatever they want to work on – you’re almost always the first guy in and the last guy out, unless Roz is bodily dragging you from the arena so you two can go be gross and in love at your house or whatever
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): dude you love ottawa so much you made your youtube series entirely about how much you love ottawa
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): you taught me to drive a stick shift!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay I definitely did not do that.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah but everyone else took all the good ones
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i think the point is we are all very aware you’re long hauling in ottawa man
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): and look at the beginning of the season i might have guessed you were long hauling exclusively for one mr ilya hollander-rozanov
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): but i feel pretty confident in saying you actually just love this city and love this team
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah. I really do.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Montreal are stupid to think you would ever come back. That’s the only reason I even brought it up.
The Baby (Luca Haas): They are incredible fools.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is true
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): We love you too, by the way. In case that wasn’t obvious.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Don’t worry. It’s pretty obvious.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Good, because Lisa just asked if I thought any of you would want to come over and watch horror movies and eat pizza and I already volunteered you and Roz.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will be there
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lol shane just needs to come so roz can have someone to cuddle when he gets too scared
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you are no longer my son young. i disown you now.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): noooooo roz i’m sorry
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Don’t worry Young. You can grab my hand when you get scared, too.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): that was ONE TIME
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): one time you are NEVER living down man
—
Hayden Pike
April 10th, 2022 – 9:45am
Shane: Be honest, you’re the source in that article who told Grace Madsen I’d never go back to Montreal, right?
Hayden Pike: Dude, of course it’s me.
Hayden Pike: Like I’m letting this fuck ass locker room act like they’re sorry in the news and they want you back when Comeau’s still running his mouth and Theirault still sucks hardcore
Hayden Pike: She didn’t use the part where I said you’d never leave because you and your husband are “chronically obsessed with each other, like a pair of bonded kittens who can’t be separated” but I guess maybe that would give away who I was, huh?
Shane: Thanks for saying it.
Shane: For thinking it.
Hayden Pike: What do you mean for thinking it?
Shane: I told the Cens chat I wasn’t leaving and they all said they knew that because I love it too much here.
Shane: And I guess
Shane: I don’t know, so much of the talk over the summer and at the beginning of the season made it sound like I’d drop anything and go back to the Metros if they wanted me
Shane: But I’m so fucking happy man. I think I’d retire before I’d live in a city Ilya’s not in ever again, you know?
Hayden Pike: Yeah, I do. I gave a whole quote to a newspaper about it, remember?
Shane: Right, right.
Hayden Pike: Look man, I miss you so fucking much. I wish we were on the same team again like crazy. And my kids miss you and Jackie misses you, obviously, obviously.
Hayden Pike: And my kids and wife love Rozanov and look OKAY sometimes I KIND OF LIKE HIM TOO because he’s OKAY at playing video games and can ON OCCASION be like a LITTLE funny FINE so maybe it would be nice if you both lived in Montreal WHATEVER
Hayden Pike: But honestly man I just feel like Ben Affleck at the end of Good Will Hunting, you know? My dream was you getting out of here. I just wanted you to be happy, and you’re obviously so, so happy. Way happier than you ever were before.
Hayden Pike: So I’m happy for you too, man. Really.
Shane: Thanks, Hayd.
Shane: One day I’m going to tell Ilya your favorite movie of all time is the most Boston movie ever made, though.
Hayden Pike: I’m not above homicide, Hollander.
Shane: Love ya too, bud.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 11th, 2022 – 9:19am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Do I dare ask who we think we’ll be facing in playoffs?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): let’s just cut to the chase and ask the only guy who almost certainly knows
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): @Shane Hollander
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Pittsburgh, I think.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay my mom just chimed in to agree so it’s definitely the Puffins.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yuna is never wrong about these things.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): she is now talking at length about how we will crush them so we must do that also
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): for yuna
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): for mrs holly’s mom hell yeah
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): To be fair the Puffins aren’t great.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The Scouts got kind of screwed by their better goalie going out mid-season with that knee thing, which is really the only reason Pittsburgh had a shot.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): a good goalie is key to winning season
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): as we all know
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Aw, shucks.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): okay wait hollz what does your mom think about the rest of the playoffs
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): are we gonna win the cup or what
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): She’s not actually a psychic, Dykstra.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): debatable
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But she’s got the Buffalo, Edmonton, and Nashville for her other wild card slots.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): she has said it is “our year” several times but i do fear she might be slightly biased this year
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i’ve only met her a couple of times but she doesn’t seem like the type of lady to bullshit us if she thought we had no shot
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That’s fair. She thinks New York could be a problem for us, then possibly LA or Chicago on the other side.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Probably smartest to take it one day at a time and not get too far ahead of ourselves, though.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): you forget that you’ve been to playoffs like 5x more than most of us
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we’re new to this holly we still have hope in our hearts
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i feel like a kid on christmas morning hoping santa left me rock band on the nintendo wii under the stairs
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): really specific there holmes
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): it was a good game man!!!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): can’t we get a LITTLE ahead of ourselves? for fun???
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Yeah, alright. We’ll sweep every series 4-0 and win by at least 3 goals every game.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): that sounds so nice
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is like world peace lp
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it will never happen
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but we can dream
—
Ottawa WAGs
April 13th, 2022 – 11:23am
Caitlin Dykstra: Say a prayer for me my friends.
Caitlin Dykstra: Evan has officially stopped shaving.
Melissa Boyle: 🙏
Melissa Boyle: The playoff beard really is the worst right at the start.
Melissa Boyle: Five o’clock shadow is fine, and then a full beard is also fine, but that in between mess? Nightmare.
Cassie Boodram: No one ever warns you about the seasonal jawline acne you get as a WAG! Or how it sneaks up on you after six straight seasons of not going to the playoffs!
Harris Drover: This is unrelatable to me.
Caitlin Dykstra: Sorry not all of us can have beautiful year round beards like you Harris. 🙄
Shane: Well, Harris also probably knows how to take care of a beard properly.
Shane: As opposed to those of us who grow a kind of shitty one for exactly two months once a year.
Ilya ❤️: shane do not pretend you can grow a beard
Shane: Fuck off.
Cassie Boodram: Are you not growing a playoff beard this year Shane?
Shane: I mean, I never really grow one even when I try. He’s not wrong.
Shane: He’s just an asshole for saying it.
Ilya ❤️: i love you ❤️
Lisa Hayes: Good save there, Ilya.
Lisa Hayes: Let’s be real, playoff beard is NOT the worst playoff superstition by FAR.
Lisa Hayes: Some of us are prepping for long, cold, lonely nights ahead!
Ilya ❤️: lisa do not tell me hazy believes in stupid no sex superstition
Harris Drover: Ilya, you DON’T?
Harris Drover: It’s like the MOST annoying part of the Centaurs being good and you’re not even participating in it????
Ilya ❤️: i have never truly believed in this
Ilya ❤️: sex is good and should be encouraged at all times
Ilya ❤️: although technically shane and i have always sort of done playoff sex ban since we went exclusive
Shane: That was mostly just because we couldn’t really see each other during playoffs though.
Shane: It wasn’t exactly superstition.
Cassie Boodram: That was me and Zane last year. Baby timing made playoff sex a no go anyway, so we never really discussed the superstition of it all.
Harris Drover: Shane I am shocked you don’t enforce this.
Caitlin Dykstra: Truly! I really assumed you’d be, like, the most superstitious hockey player of them all?
Ilya ❤️: do not let shane fool you into thinking he is not superstitious
Ilya ❤️: he has many rituals and routines. meals he must eat and specific order in which he puts on skates and way he walks onto ice during playoffs all the same every time
Ilya ❤️: he also just really really likes sex and is unwilling to give it up
Shane: Any judge would fast track this divorce in an instant, you know.
Shane: They’d all wonder what took me so long.
Ilya ❤️: empty threat. you would miss me too much.
Shane: I’ve let your ego get too big.
Melissa Boyle: Shane don’t worry, we already knew you were a bit of a freak.
Melissa Boyle: We saw the hickeys!
Melissa Boyle: Or I saw the hickeys and told everyone else about them, anyway.
Shane: I can’t believe I agreed to join this group chat.
Caitlin Dykstra: Best Christmas Present I got!
Shane: That just can’t be true.
Shane: Or if it is true we really need to talk with Evan about his ability to buy you gifts.
Ilya ❤️: i will tell barrett and hazy to stop with stupid sex ban
Ilya ❤️: if shane and i will be having sex rest of team should be having sex too
Shane: Why do I have a feeling this is going to be a really regrettable text?
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 13th, 2022 – 12:49pm
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you must all have sex during playoffs
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): captains orders
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): God I hate when I’m right sometimes.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): uh
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): okay?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): roz did you forget not all of us have readily available people to have sex with or
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I think what he means to say is you shouldn’t not be having sex?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): holly that’s infinitely more confusing
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): playoff superstition about not having sex is stupid
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are a sex positive hockey team
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we should all be having sex
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): end of story
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Oh my god.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I hate you two being in the WAG chat.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): oh my god are your wives (and also harris) bitching to roz and hollz that you guys won’t put out during playoffs?????
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): not that it’s any of your business but this is not a superstition i believe in myself
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): well how do we know your slutty behavior isn’t what got us knocked out round two last year?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is not going how i imagined it would
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): No shit.
—
Ilya ❤️
April 13th, 2022 – 1:07pm
Shane: Did you have sex during your Cup run with Boston?
Ilya ❤️: yes
Ilya ❤️: a few times
Shane: Hm.
Ilya ❤️: i have hurt your feelings?
Ilya ❤️: it was stupid to cut you out then i know
Ilya ❤️: wrong to stop talking to you
Ilya ❤️: i was scared of how i felt for you really
Ilya ❤️: the olympics and my father fucked with my head
Ilya ❤️: they did not mean anything to me, those women. you know that yes?
Shane: Oh, no, I know that.
Shane: I’m not upset.
Shane: I’m just thinking.
Shane: You were the only person I ever slept with consistently and we always sort of had an unspoken thing about not meeting up when we were playing each other for playoffs.
Shane: Since I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else really, that means I was doing a sex ban during every playoffs I won the Cup.
Shane: And I won two more Cups than you did. . .
Ilya ❤️: shane
Ilya ❤️: what are you saying
Ilya ❤️: it better not be what i think you are saying
Shane: Just, maybe Young has a point. Maybe the sex ban is a good superstition after all.
Ilya ❤️: no
Ilya ❤️: it is bad and stupid
Ilya ❤️: we both know you play better hockey after sex we have proven this with science over course of the season
Shane: San Jose finished with a better overall record than us.
Ilya ❤️: that is because pacific is easier division to play in
Shane: So did the Admirals
Ilya ❤️: this means nothing!!!
Shane: Hmmmm.
Shane: Maybe.
Ilya ❤️: shane stop
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 13th, 2022 – 1:21pm
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You know you might have a point Young.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane no
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): stop this
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i gotta say i’m feeling a little slut shamed here
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): is it slutty if you’re having monogamous sex with your wife?
The Baby (Luca Haas): LP are you having sex with anyone? Can you even participate in this conversation?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): LMAO
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): haasy holy shit
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Woah. Everything alright with you two?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): luca i would once again like to apologize for dropping an entire decanter of red wine onto your carpet the other night
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but in my defense i was probably the stupidest person you could have asked to carry that for you given i drop my cell phone sixteen times a day
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): you guys were having wine night in luca’s apartment and we weren’t invited????
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): we’ve been taking cooking classes and then having dinner parties to show off what we’ve learned
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Why are you taking cooking classes together exactly?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): one guess
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Have any of you actually successfully met a girl in one of those classes yet?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): nope
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): but i learned how to make chicken kiev
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): next time you make that you will invite me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but we are getting off track
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): back to sex talk
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh my god.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i did not do sex ban when i won cup
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): sex ban is stupid
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You weren’t having sex with me then, though.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And I’ve never had sex during the playoffs.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): So maybe it is bad luck if we have sex with each other. You know?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Could jinx it.
—
Ilya ❤️
April 13th, 2022 – 1:37pm
Ilya ❤️: shane this joke is no longer funny
Ilya ❤️: it is time for you to focus up now on cup run
Ilya ❤️: i know this is hard for you because you are not captain anymore but you must remain dedicated
Ilya ❤️: and best way to remain dedicated is by being best player you can be (which is second best) and continuing to have very athletic sex with me (best player in the league) even during playoffs
Ilya ❤️: because sex scientifically makes you better at hockey as we have discussed
Ilya ❤️: maybe almost as good at hockey as me
Shane: Oh fuck off, asshole.
Shane: You think this is the argument to get me on your side?
Shane: Because where I’m sitting, this isn’t going to work at all.
Ilya ❤️: i think you will find i can make a very persuasive argument here hollander
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 13th, 2022 – 1:42pm
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): am i having a stroke or is hollzy actually talking about sex in the group chat
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): like you two have been looser with pda as the season has gone on but this feels like a huge step for you shane
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I think this is ultimately a good thing?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): watching them do weird foreplay is a good thing?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Well a few months ago Hollz seemed embarrassed anyone even knew they were married.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): The mere implication that we knew they had sex would turn him bright red.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): But as the season's gone on he’s gotten more comfortable around us, so now we see them hold hands and kiss and flirt openly and stuff.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I mean, a few weeks ago we all watched him and Roz make out on a dance floor in Boston.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I think that might be growth?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I think we should all be deeply touched that Roz and Holly feel safe enough to blatantly flirt in the team chat, is what I’m saying.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I think it means Shane really does feel like himself here and that we are his home.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): damn that was actually fucking sweet
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): the power of love and friendship team continues to be fueled by the power of love and friendship. . . . you love to see it. . .
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): should we be worried they stopped replying?
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I think worried is probably the wrong word, Young.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 13th, 2022 – 4:38pm
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): say it shane
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sigh.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay, the sex ban is stupid.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): this is so many hours later oh my god????
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): god maybe we SHOULD all go bi
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes 😉
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I want it on record that I only sent that text because I lost a bet.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): a sex bet???
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I am never telling you that.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): okay so that’s a yes
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Also wow, Hazy, that’s a surprisingly touching thing to say.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But look, if the flirting and PDA makes any of you of uncomfortable of course we’ll tone it down.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): shane hollander i have the utmost respect for you as a man and a hockey player so i want you to know i’m being really genuine when i say this
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): shut the fuck up man lol
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hey, I’m being respectful of your boundaries!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane don’t make us all send the texts about how much we love you again.
The Baby (Luca Haas): LP will have to make up another ridiculous fake thing like knowing how to drive stick shift
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hey i know how to drive stick!
The Baby (Luca Haas): You barely know how to drive at all.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Or read.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): LP you might just want to buy him a new rug at this point, I don’t think he’s forgiving you otherwise.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah i’m catching that vibe too
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but seriously: no sex ban for playoffs
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Roznaov): @Troy Barrett @Wyatt Hayes make it up to harris and lisa immediately
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): okay roz and holly flirting and being all cute in front of all of us is fine
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): but i do fear telling us to have sex with our own partners has got to be some sort of hr violation
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): we have hr?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i have no idea
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I don’t appreciate the call out.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): But I also can’t argue with Holly’s season-long performance. . . .
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i’m gonna say it
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we should all know less about each other
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shut up dykstra stop being homophobic
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am defending your slutty behavior you should be nicer to me
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): actually man that’s fair
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): let’s all go have sex with our wives and partners
The Baby (Luca Haas): I can practically hear Bergy redownloading Tinder from here.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): 😭
—
Ottawa WAGs
April 17th, 2022 – 10:09am
Cassie Boodram: @Shane Hollander @Ilya Rozanov Dinner tonight with me and Bood MANDATORY!
Ilya ❤️: oh?
Ilya ❤️: we are being summoned
Shane: Everything alright Cassie?
Cassie Boodram: Milo misses his uncles.
Cassie Boodram: And also I have a surprise for you.
Melissa Boyle: Trust me boys, it’s a good one.
Shane: Oh god.
Shane: Why do I have a growing sense of dread right now?
Cassie Boodram: I’ll go to the nice fish market and we can do poke bowls?
Shane: Alright, deal.
Ilya ❤️: you have no backbone моя любовь
Shane: Nope! 🙂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 17th, 2022 – 8:19pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): two beautiful wags
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): [PHOTO: Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov standing in a living room. Both are wearing WAG Playoff Jackets – black leather jackets with red detailing down the arms. Ilya’s has a #24 over the heart, and Shane’s has a #81. Ilya is grinning and giving a peace sign to the camera; Shane looks long suffering.]
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): [PHOTO: Shane and Ilya in the jackets; their backs are turned to the camera now. The back of Ilya’s jacket reads MR. HOLLANDER over a big #24; the back of Shane's reads MR. ROZANOV over a big #81.]
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): someone free my boy holly
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): he’s right where he wants to be but he needs to save face for the cameras and i’m going to help him
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Your loyalty has been noted, LP.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): okay now who’s spending too much time with ilya
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane cannot spend too much time with me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are married
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Roz, buddy.
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): We know.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 🥰
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no one is saying how good we look
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): with the utmost respect (and a little fear in my heart because you’re both kind of nuts and possessive): you guys are smokeshows
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): @Zane Boodram Cassie did awesome this year! Selena loves this one!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Ohhh now I know what Lisa was laughing about all week.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): She kept looking at her phone and giggling.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I figured a new med student got shit on again.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Her job is so much more real than our jobs.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Tell me about it.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): why do you guys need wag jackets though
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): if youre gonna be on the ice the whole time???
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): because we look sexy in them bergy
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): yeah okay
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): fair enough
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 18th, 2022 – 4:19pm
The Baby (Luca Haas): [PHOTO: Luca and his sister in his apartment. Luca’s eyes are red-rimmed from crying.]
The Baby (Luca Haas): My sister came to surprise me for playoffs!!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): She’s here through our series with Pittsburgh!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Woah!!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That’s awesome Haasy!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That’s so sweet!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): bring her to practice haasy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i want to hear embarrassing stories from your childhood
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i must know more about this poster you had of me 😈
The Baby (Luca Haas): Oh god.
The Baby (Luca Haas): I did not consider this part of her being here.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ilya, don’t ruin this for the kid.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): fine 🙄
—
Luca Haas and Ilya ❤️
April 18th, 2022 – 5:06pm
Luca Haas: I might tell my sister.
Luca Haas: About me.
Luca Haas: That I’m gay, I mean.
Luca Haas: Like we talked about.
Shane: That’s great, Luca!
Shane: If you feel ready.
Ilya ❤️: she seems like a very nice lady
Ilya ❤️: if she is not nice shane and i will kick her out of the country
Luca Haas: You don’t think it would be distracting to tell her right?
Ilya ❤️: distracting?
Luca Haas: To playoffs.
Ilya ❤️: luca
Shane: Haasy.
Luca Haas: Okay I guess not.
Shane: It’s only distracting to playoffs if you’re letting it distract you.
Shane: I mean, maybe in some ways it’s more distracting to not talk to her?
Shane: Cause then you’re in your head about it.
Luca Haas: Yes. Maybe.
Luca Haas: I know she will be nice. I know she loves me.
Luca Haas: But.
Shane: Still scary.
Luca: Yes.
Ilya ❤️: my experience here is very different of course
Ilya ❤️: i never had to tell anyone really
Ilya ❤️: and it would have been very bad for my family to know
Ilya ❤️: what i mean to say is that it is nice that you and shane have such good families
Ilya ❤️: people who love you
Ilya ❤️: people who do not think love is something that is
Ilya ❤️: fuck what is word you used with bennett
Ilya ❤️: like has to be earned
Shane: Conditional.
Shane: Good people who really care about you will love you unconditionally.
Shane: Your sister seems like a pretty good person.
Luca Haas: She is.
Ilya ❤️: she is your sister
Ilya ❤️: she will love you no matter what
Shane: And it might feel better to get it off your chest.
Shane: It felt better to get it off of mine.
Shane: Made a lot of the fear go away.
Luca Haas: Okay. You are both right.
Luca Haas: I will do it tonight.
Ilya ❤️: text us
Ilya ❤️: good or bad
Ilya ❤️: yes?
Luca Haas: Yes.
Shane: Love ya, Haasy.
Shane: You got this.
Luca Haas: Thank you!!!
—
Ilya ❤️
April 18th, 2022 – 5:39pm
Shane: You want to talk about it?
Ilya ❤️: talk about what?
Shane: The cigarette you’re sneaking on your walk with Anya right now.
Ilya ❤️: okay be honest
Ilya ❤️: you have hired spies to watch me?
Shane: I’ve got eyes in the back of my head, Rozanov.
Ilya ❤️: it is not lit
Ilya ❤️: i have been debating lighting it
Ilya ❤️: you hate the smell but i could maybe use the cigarette
Shane: Yeah. Maybe it’s been a bit tough for you?
Shane: Lot of sibling stuff, lately.
Ilya ❤️: oh?
Ilya ❤️: you are my therapist now? can see into my head? know what i’m thinking?
Shane: I’m not your therapist. But I think I know you pretty well by now, Ilya.
Ilya ❤️: sorry
Ilya ❤️: that was unfair of me
Ilya ❤️: i know you ask because you care
Shane: I do.
Shane: Have you talked to Galina?
Ilya ❤️: a little
Ilya ❤️: i am not sure what i’m feeling
Ilya ❤️: my brother is awful
Ilya ❤️: selfish. mean. i do not miss him.
Shane: He’s still your brother.
Ilya ❤️: yes.
Ilya ❤️: he still is.
Ilya ❤️: maybe it hurts a bit that luca has a sister who will love him no matter what. or that zack fucking bennett is a better brother than mine will ever be. that he is willing to change to keep his brother in his life. i don’t know.
Shane: You want to talk about it?
Shane: You could call me.
Ilya ❤️: you want me to call you when i am less than two kilometers from our house?
Shane: Sometimes these conversations are easier when you don’t have to make eye contact.
Shane: I know that much.
Shane: And sometimes they’re easier in Russian for you.
Shane: I’m always here to listen to you. Any language, any time of day, any type of conversation. Always.
Ilya ❤️: i love you
Ilya ❤️: i love you so fucking much shane hollander
Shane: I love you too, Ilya Rozanov.
Shane: So much our friends are jealous.
Shane: Troy told me Harris said they need to up their “heart eyes” in public, lol.
Ilya ❤️: when i get home. we can talk.
Ilya ❤️: and i will call galina tomorrow.
Shane: That sounds like a plan.
Shane: You want me to text my parents and see if they’re up for dinner? Or the guys?
Ilya ❤️: no
Ilya ❤️: just us tonight i think
Shane: Okay. 🙂
Shane: I’m at the store getting stuff for tuna melts.
Ilya ❤️: the team is right. you really are a big sap hollander
Shane: Just for you.
Ilya ❤️: good
Ilya ❤️: i am a big sap just for you too
Shane: ❤️
—
Luca Haas and Ilya ❤️
April 18th, 2022 – 10:12pm
Luca Haas: It went good!
Luca Haas: We cried a lot but good crying.
Luca Haas: She wanted me to thank you both.
Shane: I’m really glad Luca. 🙂
Shane: Thank us for what?
Luca Haas: Hold on, I think she wants to text.
Luca Haas: This is Margit, Luca’s sister! I just want to say I know this was a big move for him. Canada is so far from Switzerland, and our Luca is a bit of a homebody. We were all very nervous when he moved that he would be lonely. But he was so excited to play in MLH, of course, and so excited to play with one of his heroes (two of his heroes now!) It has been so nice to hear how welcoming you all are. He says he is so supported and that you two talked him through this conversation with me. I am very very glad he’s not alone in Canada. I am glad he has family other places too now.
Luca Haas: Okay that was very embarrassing I should not have given her my phone.
Luca Haas: This is Luca again by the way.
Luca Haas: Guys?
Shane: Sorry, Luca, we’re both crying right now.
Shane: We’re really happy for you and really happy your sister loves you so much.
Shane: And tell her thank you for saying that.
Ilya ❤️: of course you are our family haasy
Ilya ❤️: but we are glad your sister is here to see us crush pittsburgh too
Luca Haas: 🙂
Shane: Luca, we usually do lunch with my parents before home games. Why don’t you and Margit come before game one?
Luca Haas: That would be really nice! We would love to.
Ilya ❤️: we are very happy for you haasy
Ilya ❤️: you deserve all the love you have
Luca Haas: Thank you both so much.
Luca Haas: I’m so glad this is where I got drafted.
Ilya ❤️: us too.
Shane: ❤️
—
Centaurs Official Team Chat
April 20th, 2022 – 10:04am
Coach Wiebe: First playoff game tomorrow boys. You have all put in amazing work and done excellent stuff on the ice. Win or lose, you should all be proud of yourselves for the amazing season you’ve had so far. Two years in a row in the playoffs is nothing to scoff at.
Coach Wiebe: It won’t be easy. There’s a lot of games ahead and a lot of hockey to be played. But know that I am proud of each and every one of you for your dedication and effort this year.
Coach Wiebe: Now let’s go kick Pittsburgh’s ass.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 21st, 2022 – 9:09am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): wiebe said it best yesterday but i will say it again: you guys are the best fucking team in this goddamn league
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i love you all
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will send pittsburgh home crying
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): aye aye cap!!!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Let’s go!!!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): LET’S GOOOOOO
—
Ilya ❤️
April 21st, 2022 – 9:11am
Ilya ❤️: i love the whole team but i love you the most
Shane: I know.
Shane: I love you the most too.
Chapter End Notes
is it slightly annoying to me that my posting schedule means the chapter featuring shane's birthday happens next week and not today, his actual birthday? sure a little bit. but that's how the cookie crumbles i fear. anyway happy joint "shane's birthday" and "mother's day" to yuna hollander specifically. luckily we ARE finally at the playoffs when real world playoffs are still happening so happy nhl playoffs to everyone whos teams made it and weren't 31st in the league for like the fourth year in a row (i'm FINE!)
canonically shane would probably be into the superstition of a playoff sex ban until ilya proves via powerpoint that shane is actually slightly statistically better when they're actively fucking. the stats don't lie!
did i name this chapter playoff sex bans so you'd be more surprised when i hit you with a metal baseball bat labeled "ilya's complicated relationship to his brother" ? maybe ;)
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 21st, 2022 – 11:39pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You know it’s been awhile since we’ve done this but
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): SHANE MOTHERFUCKING HOLLANDER!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): they really don’t make you mvp three times for nothing huh
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): two goals and three assists at a certain point we should have benched him out of mercy
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): at one point i looked over and watched as langdon’s heart shattered on the bench
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): kind of a shame guy seems pretty alright
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he is young
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he has young team
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he will be fine
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): well also there’s three more games to win so let’s not get ahead of ourselves
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Fair enough.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Although I think we can celebrate a little.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): big talk from the guy who went straight home with his husband after the game
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): oh do not worry bergy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are celebrating just fine 😉
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i have GOT to stop leaving him open like this huh
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You really do.
—
Fam Chat
April 22nd 2022 – 9:12pm
Mom: Pains me to say it, but Boston is looking pretty good this year.
Dad: You still have any friends on that team, Ilya?
Ilya ❤️: no not anymore
Ilya ❤️: connors is in seattle and st vicky went to vancouver
Ilya ❤️: and marleau retired
Mom: Good riddance.
Shane: Mom, was cornering the guy at our actual wedding not enough for you?
Shane: It was an accident.
Mom: Still!
Ilya ❤️: it was very funny yuna do not worry
Ilya ❤️: watching cliff turn bright red in embarrassment was like fourth best part of my day
Shane: FOURTH?
Ilya ❤️: you were first three sweetheart!
Shane: Oh you’re so sleeping on the couch tonight.
Mom: Shane, please, it’s playoffs.
Mom: It’s important Ilya rests properly.
Shane: I hate this family.
Dad: You know none of us buy that, right son?
Shane: Even more reason to hate you. 🙄
Ilya ❤️: okay okay you were all top ten best things on our wedding day
Ilya ❤️: but cliff’s very red face while your mother yelled at him for years old accident was number eleven
Ilya ❤️: happy?
Shane: Happy. 🙂
Dad: It’s like I told you boys at the start.
Dad: Marriage is all about compromise.
Dad: And sucking up when you need to.
Mom: David, honey, YOU’RE not in the playoffs.
Mom: I have no issue making YOU sleep on a couch.
Dad: Whoops.
Ilya ❤️: better break out the nice wine david
Shane: I sense some groveling coming up.
David: Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Mom: Nice try David, but it works less when you called it “sucking up” seven texts ago.
Shane: You know, Scott Hunter got us a couple bottles of a very nice vintage Chenin Blanc for our wedding.
David: I’ll be there in thirty.
Ilya ❤️: good man david
Mom: ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 27th, 2022 – 11:47pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): e z
The Baby (Luca Haas): 😴
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): second round here we come!!!!!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): let’s GO boys!!!!!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): very good work from all of you
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Uhh I don’t think I’m hearing enough noise for the most important thing that happened tonight.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Surely you guys also saw Will LaPointe get his FIRST EVER PLAYOFF GOAL!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): THAT’S MY FUCKING BOIIIIIIIII THAT’S MY FUCKING BOIIIIIIIIII
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): You know it’s a real accomplishment because you got Shane to put it in all caps.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Barrett, I think you mean you got SHANE HOLLANDER to put it all in caps.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i get no respect from this team any more
The Baby (Luca Haas): No you don’t. 🙂
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): luca your betrayal hurts the most
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): I really wouldn’t have scored at all if it wasn’t for your pass Hollzy!! And Kev and Bergy on defense!! You guys all set me up.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): awwww kid’s even starting to sound like his dad (shane)
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): they grow up to be media trained so fast
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I’m wiping a tear from my eye.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Before we know it LP will be showing up to the rink 35 minutes early with a protein shake, just like his old man.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We’ll see who’s chirping when the kid gets his first MVP award.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Then we’ll know he really is yours! Better than a DNA test.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Meanwhile Luca is taking after HIS dad Roz (being an asshole in the group chat)
The Baby (Luca Haas): I am not an asshole!!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): not yet
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you will learn my son
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Would you idiots stop texting and finish getting ready?? Me and Boyle are in the lobby, we’re ready to HIT THE TOWN!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): first round on shane and i
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): for our sons and their beautiful goals ❤️
—
Will LaPointe
April 28th, 2022 – 12:58am
Will LaPointe: did you mean that
Will LaPointe: about hte mvp thing
Shane: Where the hell did you go? This bar is way too small for us to have lost you in it.
Shane: And yeah, LP, of course I meant it.
Shane: I don’t just say that shit to anyone you know.
Will LaPointe: stepped outside for some air
Will LaPointe: i know we got this far last year but idk i guess we were such underdogs every day felt sort of like a dream??? like maybe this sounds bad but i guess i didn’t really think we’d win so it sort of felt unreal the whole time
Will LaPointe: versus now i’m actually like so so fucking nervous
Will LaPointe: and i feel stupid about it because young and bergy and haas are all still having so much fun and i wake up every night with a fucking stomach ache feeling like i’m going to let the whole team down
Shane: I’m coming outside.
Will LaPointe: no shane it’s fine
Shane: No, it’s not.
Shane: Look, if anyone knows what this shit feels like it’s me. But you don’t have to put pressure on yourself.
Shane: We win and lose as a team. And losing isn’t the worst thing in the world.
Shane: It feels that way, but you get over it. I promise.
Shane: And you have to learn to be fair to yourself LP.
Shane: I’m bringing you a water. Stay there.
Will LaPointe: okay
—
Ilya ❤️
April 28th, 2022 – 1:19am
Ilya ❤️: lp is okay?
Shane: Yeah, he’s fine. A little playoff panic.
Shane: Nothing I haven’t been through.
Shane: I sort of expected this from Luca though, not LP.
Shane: Is that bad of me?
Ilya ❤️: i think luca is very distracted by his sister being here
Ilya ❤️: maybe when we play boston luca will have his panic
Shane: You think it’s going to be Boston?
Ilya ❤️: yes
Ilya ❤️: detroit is looking good but i think they will run out of steam
Ilya ❤️: plus it is a bit poetic if it is boston, no?
Shane: A bit.
Shane: Better them than Montreal.
Ilya ❤️: true
Ilya ❤️: you are good with him
Ilya ❤️: lp i mean
Ilya ❤️: with luca too
Ilya ❤️: with all of them
Ilya ❤️: good mentor, nice to them, serious but understanding
Ilya ❤️: you will make them best versions of themselves
Shane: You set a lot of that groundwork.
Shane: I’m just assisting your goals at this point.
Ilya ❤️: not true shane
Ilya ❤️: you will be an amazing father
Shane: Oh.
Shane: So will you. Obviously.
Shane: Do you think about it a lot? Having kids?
Ilya ❤️: yes
Ilya ❤️: not yet, of course. i still want to play hockey. i still want to be on a team with you.
Ilya ❤️: but someday
Shane: I think about it too.
Shane: Someday.
Shane: I mean, if this season has proved anything, we’re pretty unstoppable together.
Ilya ❤️: yes. we are the greatest team of all time
Ilya ❤️: surrounded by the greatest team of all time
Shane: Я тебя люблю.
Ilya ❤️: i love you
Shane: LP and I are heading back in. Maybe you can talk Young or Bergy into buying him his next beer.
Ilya ❤️: i will try
Shane: And then maybe you and I can go back to the hotel and we can see if you can knock me up?
Ilya ❤️: jesus fucking christ shane
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
April 28th, 2022 – 1:26am
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): do you think i wanna know why roz just choked and spat his beer all over himself
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): No Young, I don’t think you do.
—
Cliff Marleau and Ilya ❤️
May 5th, 2022 – 2:40pm
Cliff Marleau: ths social media video you guys posted is funny and all but i KNOW ur lying roz
Ilya ❤️: marly you text like a fourteen year old girl
Ilya ❤️: “ur”
Ilya ❤️: do not embarrass me in front of my husband
Cliff Marleau: 🙁
Ilya ❤️: and i do not lie! where did i lie!
Cliff Marleau: i had to listen to u bitch about how stupid the playoff sex ban was 4 YEARS and ur telling me that’s not your number 1 least favourite playoff superstition
Shane: Okay using both “ur” and “your” is weirdly more confusing, sorry Cliff.
Cliff Marleau: i cant win goddam
Ilya ❤️: you are not wrong cliff
Ilya ❤️: but harris told me that the footage of me talking about stupid sex ban was “unusable” and “not appropriate for social media channels” and made shane pick different thing
Ilya ❤️: i am being silenced!!!!!
Cliff Marleau: that actually makes a lot of sense
Shane: You’re gonna be on The Shootout tonight, right Cliff?
Cliff Marleau: yes!
Cliff Marleau: cheryl is pretty much the only hockey media person i can fuckin stand these days
Cliff Marleau: i blocked every dude who wanted me to say something gross after you guys got outed
Shane: Thanks for that, man.
Ilya ❤️: he just did that because he is very scared of your mother моя любовь
Cliff Marleau: uhhh i plead the fifth?
Shane: Cliff, you’re Canadian.
Shane: I don’t think that applies to you.
Cliff Marleau: hey im basically american now! im marrying an american!
Cliff Marleau: kiki says hi btw
Cliff Marleau: she wants to get dinner when ur here for playoffs but totally get if thats too much with everything else
Shane: I think we can make some time.
Ilya ❤️: shane and i were coming early to see sveta anyway
Ilya ❤️: we would be happy to meet you and your much better more beautiful and cooler fiance
Cliff Marleau: i kno ur chirping roz but she really is
Cliff Marleau: also ur the last guy with a leg to stand on when it comes to chirps about marrying up
Cliff Marleau: idk if u noticed but u married SHANE HOLLANDER bro
Ilya ❤️: why does everyone always say it in all caps??????
Cliff Marleau: bcz hes SHANE HOLLANDER bro
Shane: Thank you, Cliff.
Ilya ❤️: yeah
Ilya ❤️: that is fair
—
Fam Chat
May 10th, 2022 – 8:11am
Dad: [PHOTO: A younger Yuna Hollander lying in a hospital bed. A small baby, clearly Shane, is nestled in her arms. She looks tired but is grinning with pure delight.]
Dad: One of the best days of my life. ❤️
Dad: Happy birthday son. Good luck tonight!
Dad: [PHOTO: Anya in a Centaurs bandana, lying on the ground looking very, very cute.]
Dad: Your daughter says happy birthday too!
Mom: Oh god that photo David! I look like hell!
Dad: You looked beautiful honey. Still do.
Mom: Happy birthday Shane. We love you so much. You’ve got this!
Shane: Thanks you guys. Love you both. I’ll call after morning skate, yeah?
Ilya ❤️: thank you both for shane
Ilya ❤️: today is best day in human history probably
Mom: Well, one of them, anyway.
Mom: Your birthday is coming up too, Ilya.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
—
Svetlana Vetrova and Ilya ❤️
May 10th, 2022 – 9:08am
Svetlana Vetrova: First I will say happy birthday Shane.
Svetlana Vetrova: You are a very good person and you make my Ilya very happy. For this I will always love you. Also you are very fun to talk to and be around, which matters less than you making Ilya happy to me but is a big plus for you as well.
Shane: Thanks, Svetlana!
Ilya ❤️: okay now say your asshole thing you want to say sveta
Svetlana Vetrova: Tonight Boston will kill you. 🔪🔪🔪
Shane: I’m not so sure about that.
Ilya ❤️: we buy you dinner last night and this is how you treat us
Svetlanta Vetrova: I have team loyalty.
Svetlana Vetrova: Unlike some people.
Ilya ❤️: loyalty to losing team is not so interesting
Svetlana Vetrova: 🖕
—
Rose Landry
May 10th, 2022 – 9:29am
Rose Landry: Shane!!! HAPPY FREAKING BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Rose Landry: I am so so so glad you came out to that stupid bar that night and sat in that booth with me. Like SO glad.
Rose Landry: I know there’s other worlds where you stayed in and we didn’t meet and those worlds are AWFUL and EVIL because I literally cannot imagine my life without you.
Rose Landry: You are my best friend and my favorite ex-boyfriend ever. I love you so much it’s stupid.
Rose Landry: I am so happy you have such an amazing life and I know for A FACT you will kick Boston’s stupid butt tonight!!!!
Rose Landry: Call me if you can later, but no worries if you can’t!!
Shane: Love you too Rose. ❤️
Shane: You’re my favorite ex girlfriend ever, obviously.
Shane: I’ll call you when I’m back in Ottawa? I’m going to call my mom after morning skate and then I think the guys are forcing me into a team birthday lunch.
Rose Landry: Okay!!
Rose Landry: Me and Miles are going to watch the game tonight at my place!!
Shane: Fun! Don’t get too wine drunk.
Rose Landry: No promises! 😉
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 10th, 2022 – 9:41am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Happy Birthday @Shane Hollander !!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Joyeux anniversaire!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): happy birthday shane!!!!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Shane we have promised to beat Boston tonight as a special birthday gift!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you KNOW that’s right
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): gotta win for hollzy on his actual dang birthday!!!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): anything for our holly
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): sorry roz’s holly
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): no wait
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’m not sorry
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): OUR holly
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): he’s one of us roz you can’t have him exclusively anymore
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): hmmm i suppose i can make an exception
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and he can be your holly too
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): as team
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): How kind of you, Roz.
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Seriously though, happy birthday Shane!! So glad to have you on the team man, it’s been freaking awesome.
BBQ Bood (Zane Boodram): yeah happy birthday hollz!!! we fuckin love you man!!!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): prepared to bring our a game for you tonight holly!!!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Thanks you guys.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Let’s go fuck these guys up, yeah?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): aye aye buddy
—
Hayden Pike
May 10th, 2022 – 10:16am
Hayden Pike: [VIDEO: All four of the Pike kids gathered together in the Pike kitchen. They all yell “HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE SHANE,” not quite in sync. Everyone waves.]
Hayden Pike: Happy birthday man!! The kids miss you like crazy.
Hayden Pike: I know you don’t need it, but good luck against Boston tonight man. You got this.
Shane: Thanks Hayden.
Shane: And thanks to the kids too.
Shane: We owe you guys a weekend when playoffs are over.
Hayden Pike: We’ll plan something.
Hayden Pike: FYI the twins and Arthur drew cards that are in the mail, so you should get them soon!
Shane: Aw man, that’s so sweet.
Shane: Tell them I say hi and I love them.
Shane: Jackie too.
Hayden Pike: Of course man.
—
JJ Boiziau
May 10th, 2022 – 10:26am
JJ Boiziau: Capitane! Joyeux anniversaire!
JJ Boiziau: Go fuck Boston’s shit up!
JJ Boiziau: Ah, feels like old times saying that.
Shane: Thanks JJ!
Shane: Feeling pretty good about our chances.
JJ Boiziau: When playoffs are over we’ll have to celebrate properly.
JJ Boiziau: I want your boy to tell me how he does that move of his.
Shane: He never will.
JJ Boiziau: I’m willing to buy nice vodka.
Shane: Well then maybe, actually.
JJ Boiziau: You know, I was remembering when we actually talked you into going to a bar on your birthday during our second Cup run.
JJ Boiziau: Shane Hollander drinking a beer during the playoffs! It was novel!
Shane: Hey, I can let loose sometimes.
JJ Boiziau: Really?
Shane: No.
Shane: 🙂
JJ Boiziau: 😂
JJ Boiziau: Never change Hollander.
—
Ottawa WAGs
May 10th, 2022 – 10:39am
Harris Drover: Happy birthday Shane! Today is a good day at work (Gen and I are spending two hours going through pictures of you and saying “wow he’s so dreamy” to each other while we come up with your bday Insta post)
Ilya ❤️: harris what have i said about sticking to your own hockey player.
Lisa Hayes: Oh come on Ilya, you have to admit that objectively the man is dreamy
Ilya ❤️: yes. the dreamiest. 😍
Ilya ❤️: and also mine.
Lisa Hayes: 😆
Lisa Hayes: Happy birthday Shane!! You’re going to kill it tonight!!
Caitlin Dykstra: Wooo happy bday!! Thirty and flirty and thriving!
Shane: I’m actually 31, Caitlin.
Caitlin Dykstra: Omg you’ve never seen 13 Going On 30
Caitlin Dykstra: Post-playoffs WAG wine night movie SELECTED
Cassie Boodram: A classic!!!
Harris Drover: I’ve actually also never seen this.
Lisa Hayes: Hockey Boys. . . truly no taste in cinema. . . .
Shane: I’d be offended but you’re definitely right.
Harris Drover: There is no greater crime to Film than when Letterboxd asks male athletes their four favorites. . .
Ilya ❤️: i refuse to accept this about myself
Ilya ❤️: fast five is a perfect movie and i will not be silenced
Lisa Hayes: Okay I’m actually going to give him that one Fast Five is pretty fun.
Cassie Boodram: Happy birthday Shane!! Good luck tonight!! The WAGs will be rooting for you!!
Selena Chouinard: Wooo!! Shane day!!! Happy birthday Shane!! You boys are gonna win tonight I know it!!
Melissa Boyle: Happy birthday Shane! We’ll celebrate when it’s summer and you can properly enjoy wine night. 😉
Caitlin Dykstra: With a GOOD movie!
Shane: Hahaha
Shane: Thanks guys!! 🙂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 10th, 2022 – 11:29pm
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): a win for the birthday boy!! that’s what i’m talking about!!!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): He’s 31 but he still scores like he’s 20 baby!!!
—
Ilya ❤️
May 10th, 2022 – 11:30pm
Shane: Don’t.
Ilya ❤️: sweetheart he left me an empty net and you are asking me not to shoot???
Shane: Think of it as a birthday gift.
Ilya ❤️: i gave you many birthday gifts
Ilya ❤️: i gave you kindle for your boring hockey books and a lovely small photo of me and anya for your wallet
Ilya ❤️: i left long heartfelt voicemail while you in were the shower for you to listen to forever so you will always know how much i love you
Shane: Yes, and I loved that very much.
Shane: But I would also love you not texting our team group chat about how you and I still fuck like we’re twenty.
Shane: Even though we obviously still fuck like we’re twenty.
Ilya ❤️: okay
Ilya ❤️: i will not tell them about how unbelievably flexible you still are or how i woke you up with a blow job this morning
Ilya ❤️: for you
Shane: ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 10th, 2022 – 11:31pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i cant believe roz isn’t saying anything about that one
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): birthday boy has banned me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I don’t know why I bothered, really.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but i listened!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is not my fault my reputation precedes me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That is literally your fault!
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): He’s not wrong, Roz.
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): You chose to be this way.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): me being this way made shane fall in love with me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): why be any other way 🤷
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s so annoying when you say something sweet when I’m trying to be frustrated with you.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 😘
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): not to derail this flirting but
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): seriously boys what a FUCKING game!!!!!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): shout out to holly for bringing it home on his own goddamn birthday!!!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): yeah hollz happy birthday man!!!! congrats on still being really good at hockey even though you are 31 now (old)
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Careful, Holmberg.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): sorry shane just joking shane didn’t mean it shane you are young and beautiful still shane!!!!!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): oh so you think my husband is beautiful bergy? 🤔
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): someone please save me from this i don’t think i can win no matter what i say
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): sorry kid you dug your own grave here
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): don’t think any of us “old guys” are coming to help
The Baby (Luca Haas): Are you guys actually old though? Like even for hockey?
The Baby (Luca Haas): I feel like more guys are playing into their deep thirties now.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): you are such a suck up haasy
The Baby (Luca Haas): Not my fault you are stupid Bergy. 🤷
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah actually that’s a good question at one point do you officially become a Hockey Old
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): whenever you hit scott hunters age
The Baby (Luca Haas): ?? That doesn’t make sense, Hunter will always be older than you??
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): exactly 😈
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 13th, 2022 – 11:26pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Great fucking hockey out there tonight boys!!!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): god i love winning playoff games
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): biggest hit of adrenaline ever truly
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): one game until conference finals i am feeling VERY NORMAL!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i have never been SO NORMAL!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): buddy i love you so fuckng much but you have never been normal a single day in your life
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you got genuinely mad at me the other day when i told you you married the boring stardrew valley character
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): talk shit about my girl penny again and your dead young
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): 🤷 i call it like i see it
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): playoff panic is normal bergy
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i’m not panicked!!!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): dude you 100% are
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you texted me about bostons sog average at like 4am
The Baby (Luca Haas): LOL. Who are you Bergy, Shane Hollander?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): shut up
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Actually speaking of
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Hollzy you seem sort of chill?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): No offense at all, I’d just always heard rumors you were a bit of a tyrant around playoffs.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, I’m not captain. Not exactly in tyrant position.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane was never tyrant
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he carried metros on his fucking back
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): they called him unreasonable when he suggested perhaps not going out and getting drunk night before actual playoff game
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Shit, really?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Like one guy tried to do that once. Mostly everyone took playoffs very seriously.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But calling me a tyrant became a bit of a
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Well, I was going to say a joke. But I guess like a lot of other Metros jokes they were never really joking.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But you aren’t wrong. This is the most relaxed I’ve ever felt in a playoff run.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): wow the mandated playoff sex thing really works
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s not that.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): roz and holly are both averaging like 20 minutes on ice a game do you really think they’re doing anything besides immediately falling asleep the minute they get home
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): you can never tell with those two
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): they display levels of athleticism i find genuinely quite terrifying
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m ignoring that.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I think the thing is that back on Montreal losing felt like the end of the world. I was only ever as good as my last game. If we lost, it was on my shoulders. I didn’t measure up.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That became really clear after the last playoffs.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): My entire career with them boiled down to a single trip in a single game.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But I knew that was the score there. It’d always been that way, even in games that didn’t matter as much.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half: Honestly, before I had Ilya I thought all I’d ever have was hockey, so it mattered so much more then. Like, I needed to win so it all meant something.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): And then even after I had Ilya I still felt like
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I knew I’d always have him. Always. But I also knew that Montreal was fickle. The fans, the front office, most of the other guys. They wanted me to win. They expected me to win. They needed me to win. They didn’t care about me all that much outside of that. I was a tool to be used.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I don’t feel that way here.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I still want to win. Like crazy, crazy badly. But I know if we don’t none of us are going to do the blame game bullshit or turn on each other.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): So yeah I guess I feel a little less stressed about the whole thing.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh and also I go to therapy now.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That helps a lot.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): brb i’m buying a plane ticket to montreal to fuck those bastards up
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): group field trip!!!
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): i mean we beat them all four times we met them this season and they didn’t get to the playoffs
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): is this beating a dead horse?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): consider this
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): the horse really really deserves to be dead
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): and it feels awesome to beat it
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): bergy you did not think that last text through before you sent it
—
Ilya ❤️
May 10th, 2022 – 11:35pm
Shane: Took a couple days, but you still got your empty net.
Ilya ❤️: i knew i could rely on bergy
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 13th, 2022 – 11:36pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): LMAOOOO
The Baby (Luca Haas): TMI Holmes.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): bergy please we’re trying to have a serious conversation about the pressures holly feels being a high caliber professional athlete
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): let’s not bring jerking off into it
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i can admit this one is on me
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i am listening and i am learning and i am striving to be better 🙏
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): thank you for that bergy
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): ANYWAY
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I guess you have a point about team culture Shane. When we went out of the playoffs last year it didn’t occur to me at all to be mad at anyone else but myself.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Although I was pretty mad at myself.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you should not have been
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you played a great series last year hazy
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I think it’s pretty normal to be mad at yourself.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I was pretty mad at myself for tripping last year.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Really the key way to getting over that was learning everyone in Montreal had mass psychosis and thought I did it on purpose, which gave me a whole new, different thing to be mad about.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I don’t know man, that sounds not very fun for other reasons.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): kinda sick youre in a place where you can joke about that hollzy lol
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Like I said: therapy is pretty great.
—
Fam Chat
May 16th, 2022 – 6:19pm
Mom: Good luck in Game 6 boys!! You’re ending it tonight, I can feel it.
Dad: 🎉
—
Fam Chat
May 16th, 2022 – 10:15pm
Mom: I’m going to say it.
Mom: I hate overtime.
Dad: You boys are playing excellently! You’ve got this!!
—
Ottawa WAGs
May 16th, 2022 – 10:49pm
Caitlin Dykstra: DOUBLE overtime? Someone pinch me.
Selena Chouinard: The kids have all been asleep for hours now, but I’m so tense I keep almost screaming any time the puck gets near the net. I’m 100% going to wake them up!
Caitlin Dykstra: @Lisa Wyatt doing amazing stuff tonight!!!
Lisa Hayes: I know, but I almost regret taking the night off to watch this. I’m so nervous I wish I was giving somebody stitches instead.
Melissa Boyle: @Harris is it fun in Boston at least? So jealous you got to go!
Harris Drover: It’s very intense!
Harris Drover: Ilya told me to tell you all sorry and he promises to score a goal in double overtime so you can all get some rest.
Harris Drover: Shane immediately groaned and said “way to jinx it, Rozanov.”
Harris Drover: And then he also said hi lol.
Cassie Boodram: LOL
Cassie Boodram: Give them both our love!!!
Lisa Hayes: You guys are gonna do it!! I can feel it in my bones!!!
—
Rose Landry
May 16th, 2022 – 11:33pm
Rose Landry: Triple overtime????
Rose Landry: Shane I have a 6am call time!!!
Rose Landry: Pre-warning my makeup girl that she’ll have to use extra concealer for my EYE BAGS and extra foundation for the worry lines you’ve giving me!!!
Rose Landry: (Love you! You got this!)
—
Svetlana Vetrova
May 17th, 2022 – 12:03am
Svetlana Vetrova: I just sent Ilya a very long voice memo that would be a great lesson for you in Russian swearing.
Svetlana Vetrova: I assume your app does not teach you that.
Svetlana Vetrova: Also congratulations I guess. 🙄
Shane: I actually might listen to that.
Shane: And thank you, I guess. 😉
Svetlana Vetrova: You are very lucky you’re cute Hollander.
Svetlana Vetrova: If you do not win the Cup I’ll be very mad now.
Shane: We’ll try to do it just for you, then.
Svetlana Vetrova: Smart boy.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 17th, 2022 – 12:19am
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): THANK GOD FOR JERKS FROM TORONTO GOING ON SOUL QUESTS
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): TROY BARRETT I AM GOING TO KISS YOU ON THE MOUTH
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Young: please don’t.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): first no kissing holly now no kissing you idk man feels homphobic
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): That doesn’t even make any sense??
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hey i don’t have a no kissing holly rule on my list
The Baby (Luca Haas): Surely it’s implied given the other rules??
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we have gotten distracted from main point
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): which is that we all owe troy barrett a big kiss on the mouth for winning the game
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): except shane of course
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): luca is right no kissing shane is a rule i am coding it or whatever you said that word was
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh so you can kiss Troy, but I can’t?
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): None of you are kissing me on the mouth! Only Harris gets to kiss me on the mouth!
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): what about on the cheek troy?????
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): You are all rapidly approaching losing cheek privileges too!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i think its possible we have all gone delusional with exhaustion because this conversation makes no goddamn sense
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): do we usually make a lot of sense in this group chat or
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I think I can safely say we do not.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i’m gonna deliver us back to the point
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): which is
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): WE JUST WON THE FUCKIN ATLANTIC DIVISION BABY
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): NEW YORK OR WASHINGTON HERE WE COME
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): HELL yeah
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but first: sleep
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): one of the reporters asked shane if we were going out after the game and he laughed like she was an insane person
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Oh my god
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): The idea of doing anything right now besides calling Lisa and immediately falling asleep feels genuinely impossible
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): we played the equivalent of nearly two full hockey games and you guys don’t feel like going out and dancing??
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): this really is a team of old men
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lp you know we all saw you doze off in the dressing room in the break between double and triple overtime right
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): shit
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): luca took a picture lol
The Baby (Luca Haas): It is your new profile picture in my phone!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): double shit
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): rest tonight boys
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you played good hockey. you should be proud.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): especially you troy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): go celebrate with harris 😉
Not an Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Why did any of us decide to be friends with you man
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Eh, he grows on you.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 😘
—
Fam Chat
May 17th, 2022 – 10:19am
Dad: [Photo: Anya in her Centaurs bandana looking out David and Yuna’s front window.]
Dad: I swear she has your schedule memorized! It’s like she knows you boys are coming home.
Ilya ❤️: my baby!!!
Ilya ❤️: papa and daddy will be there soon
Ilya ❤️: i trust her grandparents have given her many treats
Mom: David spoils her.
Dad: Hey, I saw you sneak her half a meatball yesterday.
Mom: Lies and slander.
Mom: Safe travels you two! You want to have dinner with us tonight or do you still need to recover from yesterday’s marathon?
Shane: Can we tell you when we land? I’m exhausted right now but I’m going to try to sleep on the plane.
Mom: Of course! No pressure.
Ilya ❤️: yuna be honest
Ilya ❤️: will next round for us be new york or washington
Mom: It’s hard to say. I would have said Washington if Sawchuck didn’t go out last game.
Mom: He’s their top scorer by far, without him they might be sunk.
Shane: Is it weird to say I’m pulling for New York?
Dad: Why?
Shane: Honestly, because us versus Scott Hunter for the conference final sounds like it’d really piss Crowell off.
Ilya:❤️: oh my god
Ilya ❤️: shane please do not make me root for hunter
Ilya ❤️: it hurts my heart and soul to do this
Shane: Ilya, you told the guy you wanted to be his friend last year.
Shane: You’re practically a regular at his bar despite actively living in a different country.
Shane: You like him! Don’t pretend you don’t.
Ilya ❤️: i can like the man personally and not want to root for him in hockey game 🙄
Ilya ❤️: and also i do not like him you made this up
Shane: Suuuuuure.
Mom: Don’t you want revenge for last year, Ilya? Give New York a taste of their own medicine?
Ilya ❤️: of course i do
Ilya ❤️: but also i think we could probably beat Washington easier
Ilya ❤️: they pull a lot of penalties and we are very good on the power play
Shane: True.
Shane: But sometimes I like a bit of a fight.
Ilya ❤️: shane we just did triple fucking overtime you cannot possibly want more fight than that
Shane: 🤷
Ilya ❤️: i married a monster
Ilya ❤️: a very beautiful monster who is very good at hockey
Dad: Ilya, son, I think you knew what you were getting into with this one.
Shane: Oh, don’t worry Dad, he means that as a compliment.
Shane: He just kissed my cheek very obnoxiously in front of our whole team.
Shane: There are wolf whistles happening.
Ilya ❤️: mocked for showing love for my husband :(
Mom: You two are ridiculous.
Dad: For the record, she means that as a compliment too.
Shane: Trust me, we know.
Ilya ❤️: [PHOTO: A selfie of Shane and Ilya, sitting in an airport terminal. Ilya has pressed their cheeks together and is making a deeply silly face. Shane is trying and failing to look disgruntled by this – instead he just looks very, very pleased.]
Ilya ❤️: boarding! love you both and see you soon
Ilya ❤️: and love you my little anya!!!!
Shane: Love you guys!
Mom: Love you!
Dad: Be safe!
—
Scott Hunter
May 18th, 2022 – 10:21am
Shane: Good game last night, congrats on getting to the next round.
Shane: And prepare to get your ass kicked, obviously.
Scott Hunter: Hah! Thanks, man.
Scott Hunter: Happy belated birthday also. I meant to text but totally spaced out.
Shane: No worries, playoff brain, I get it.
Scott Hunter: You know, I was thinking when you guys beat Boston that this is pretty much Crowell’s worst nightmare, right?
Scott Hunter: A conference final between the two teams with queer players.
Scott Hunter: We must really be pissing him off.
Shane: A real shame.
Shane: Would just hate to ruin his day.
Scott Hunter: Lol.
Scott Hunter: At the risk of being too earnest, I’ve got to say – I’m glad it’s you guys at the conference final with us. You’ve had a great season.
Scott Hunter: You as a team but you in particular too, kid. You’re like a whole new person on the ice sometimes.
Shane: Thanks Scott.
Shane: Turns out it’s a bit easier to skate fast when you don’t have the burden of living a double life on your shoulders.
Scott Hunter: Trust me when I say this Shane: I know.
Scott Hunter: I really, really know.
Scott Hunter: Anyway. I’ll see you in a couple days in New York. Maybe when the series is over we can find a chance to get a drink at the Kingfisher?
Shane: That’d be nice.
Scott Hunter: May the best team win.
Shane: Don’t worry Scott. We will. 🙂
Chapter End Notes
happy bday shane sorry i'm a week late lol
i spent a lot of time pondering who the centaurs would marry in stardew valley and this is what i got so far:
bergy: penny; lp: abigail; young: leah but only because robin isn't romanceable; hazy: maru; troy: sam for his personality but he thinks harvey is the hottest; luca: alex and he gets absolutely ROASTED for it; shane: does not bother to play the game but when shown the options says sebastian is the hottest (ilya develops a Complex about this briefly); ilya: gets deeply offended at stardew valley!shane and never plays the game again. would love to hear your thoughts as well because i feel like there are many Optionsyou can see i have now put an end chapter count on this. i am still finalizing the last couple bits, but this will almost certainly be 12 chapters! what a ride! after this fic is done i will probably finally be done re-telling the story of this single season of hockey (unless one of you has some great idea i'm not thinking of lol) but definitely not done with my sweet shane and ilya, the current kings of my rotted brain. as always, thanks for reading and commenting!! this has been so fun so far and i'm excited for you guys to see the end! :)
the russian in here is just "my love" and "i love you" which i feel like i've used enough times you maybe don't even need the translations anymore LOL
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 20th, 2022 – 8:19am
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): start spreading the news
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): oh shit boi
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you leavin today?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i fear my brother wants to be a part of it
The Baby (Luca Haas): What is this
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): NEW YORRRRRK NEW YORRRRRRK
The Baby (Luca Haas): What is happening
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s a song, Luca.
Big Husband Guy (llya Rozanov): shane having to explain pop culture references to you is very bad sign luca
The Baby (Luca Haas): 🙁
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): it’s way too early for this
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): dude like you don’t wake up this early every day you have a toddler
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): yes but i love my toddler unconditionally unlike you chucklefucks
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): liar
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): you got drunk with us in boston and told me you’re proud of us asshole
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): god damnit
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): i’m never drinking again
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You also showed us about 900 photos of your daughter.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): But I guess you do that sober too.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i feel like none of you are excited enough about us being IN NEW YORK!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We played New York this season, LP. And you’ve played them the last two seasons too. You've even played them IN THE PLAYOFFs before.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): This is not the first time you’ve been here.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): god forbid i show a little excitement damn
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): at least during playoffs its not the ass middle of winter like it is during the regular season
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): so hype it’s not four degrees outside god bless
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): FARENIHEGIT i refuse to learn celsius
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): or how to spell that word
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): and to think, people assume hockey players are dumb
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It boggles the mind.
—
Zack Bennett, Wyatt Hayes, Troy Barrett and Ilya ❤️
May 20th, 2022 – 10:29am
Zack Bennett: Good luck in the conference finals tonight guys.
Zack Bennett: Matty and I are rooting for you.
Zack Bennett: [PHOTO: Bennett with a younger man, clearly his brother Matty, side by side on a couch. Bennett is smiling; Matty is holding up a peace sign and winking.]
Wyatt Hayes: Hey! You guys are hanging out again!
Troy Barrett: That’s awesome, man.
Shane: Thanks Bennett. Glad you and your brother made up.
Ilya ❤️: we do not need luck
Ilya ❤️: but i suppose you can thank your brother anyway 🙄
Zack Bennett: Fuck off Rozanov.
Ilya ❤️: 🖕
Shane: Things are going well, then?
Zack Bennett: I mean, you were right.
Zack Bennett: I am definitely still fucking things up.
Zack Bennett: But I’m trying not to.
Zack Bennett: I have yet to gain “meeting the boyfriend” privileges, but I’m hopeful that maybe by the end of the summer I’ll get there.
Wyatt Hayes: So his roommate is his boyfriend, then?
Zack Bennett: Yeah. His name is Logan.
Shane: You said Matty’s probably starting with Jersey next season right? Is Logan joining the league?
Zack Bennett: He’s probably going into the minors.
Zack Bennett: Which I guess is causing some drama?
Troy Barrett: Drama?
Zack Bennett: Matty wants him to move to New Jersey, obviously, but that’d probably require giving up hockey unless a lot of really specific chips fall into really specific places, and it’s sort of unclear if Logan is willing to make that move without having a job lined up. Like, it’s a serious relationship but they’re also both really young, so maybe it doesn’t make sense to totally change their lives for each other yet? If Logan goes to the minors, then they’re probably doing long distance, but also, you know, dating another guy in the league, which still seems really complicated.
Zack Bennett: No offense, but the only people who’ve dated each other in the league are you two, and you’re sort of special cases.
Ilya ❤️: and even then people were dicks
Zack Bennett: Yeah. Right.
Zack Bennett: I really am sorry about that.
Shane: It’s okay, Bennett.
Zack Bennett: No. It wasn’t.
Zack Bennett: I think part of being better is probably admitting that it wasn’t.
Ilya ❤️: not a bad start
Zack Bennett: If anything Matty and Logan have made me realize how fucking complicated your shit must have been.
Zack Bennett: Like, look, I never bought into the bullshit about you two throwing games – I fucking watched you play, I know you didn’t throw shit – but the long distance and the hiding and the pretending.
Zack Bennett: I don’t want Matty to have to go through that.
Wyatt Hayes: Well, maybe he won’t.
Wyatt Hayes: He’d be the fifth active queer player if he came out.
Ilya ❤️: maybe fourth
Ilya ❤️: if we beat scott hunter so bad he decides to finally retire
Shane: Ilya, not the time.
Ilya ❤️: sorry sorry
Zack Bennett: I guess I just still feel kind of protective about him. I don’t want him to get his heart broken or to have things be harder than they need to be.
Shane: Yeah, but you can’t always protect him from that stuff.
Shane: You gotta let him make his own choices, even if they break his heart.
Zack Bennett: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
Troy Barrett: How are your parents? Do they know?
Zack Bennett: They’re good. Really supportive.
Zack Bennett: Although my mom is definitely freaking out about him joining the league. Worried that the culture is toxic, or whatever.
Zack Bennett: She asked if I’d give Matty your number Hollander, actually. Which, you know, no pressure.
Shane: That’s fine. I’d be happy to talk to him.
—
Ilya ❤️
May 20th, 2022 – 10:38am
Ilya ❤️: going after younger men now hollander??? how could you
Shane: Ilya. Gross. He’s like a fetus still.
Shane: And again. Not the time.
Ilya ❤️: eh that is the reason i texted you separately from the group chat
Shane: A shocking show of restraint from you.
Ilya ❤️: perhaps restraint should be rewarded? 😉
Shane: Oh my god.
—
Zack Bennett, Wyatt Hayes, Troy Barrett and Ilya ❤️
May 20th, 2022 – 10:40am
Zack Bennett: Thanks man, I appreciate it.
Zack Bennett: I appreciate all of you, really.
Zack Bennett: I was going kind of nuts when me and him weren’t talking. So. Thanks for helping me with that. Even if I fucked it up at first.
Troy Barrett: Yeah man, of course.
Wyatt Hayes: Any time!
Ilya ❤️: i am glad it worked out for you bennett
Ilya ❤️: and it is okay to fuck it up at first. try not to fuck it up again, yes?
Ilya ❤️: you are a good brother.
Zack Bennett: Damn, man. That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me Rozanov.
Ilya ❤️: don’t get used to it
—
Ilya ❤️
May 19th, 2022 – 10:49am
Shane: Okay. Maybe that deserves a little reward.
Ilya ❤️: only a little one?
Shane: Well, we still have to be able to skate tonight.
Shane: We have an old man to beat, remember?
Ilya ❤️: i love when you talk dirty to me hollander
Shane: You’re ridiculous.
Shane: ❤️
Ilya ❤️: ah! you have reminded me
Shane: Reminded you??? Of what???
—
Zack Bennett, Wyatt Hayes, Troy Barrett and Ilya ❤️
May 20th, 2022 – 10:52am
Ilya ❤️: one more thing bennett
Ilya ❤️: your brother
Ilya ❤️: he is gay?
Zack Bennett: What? Man have you not been paying attention to ANYTHING we have talked about?
Troy Barrett: Oh my god Roz
Shane: Ilya.
Ilya ❤️: this is important research!
Wyatt Hayes: He’s trying to ask if your brother might be bisexual.
Wyatt Hayes: He’s on a quest.
Zack Bennett: A quest for what?
Ilya ❤️: another bisexual
Ilya ❤️: i feel like that was obvious
Zack Bennett: I’m not going to lie to you man
Zack Bennett: I cannot think of a way to ask that question that would not immediately get Matty mad at me.
Zack Bennett: He confirmed he had a boyfriend but did not clarify if he was gay or bi or whatever that third one is. Pan??? Is that one
Wyatt Hayes: Yeah that’s one man.
Wyatt Hayes: I think there’s more than three though.
Zack Bennett: Oh god really?
Ilya ❤️: that is okay
Ilya ❤️: next season shane and i will take him out after we play jersey and i will find out then
Shane: Ilya you will not grill a terrified child about his sexuality his rookie season!
Ilya ❤️: fine fine
Ilya ❤️: i will be subtle
Shane: You are the least subtle person I have ever met.
Ilya ❤️: that is a good thing
Ilya ❤️: subtle would not have worked on you, no? 😉
Shane: Oh my god.
Zack Bennett: Are they always like this?
Troy Barrett: Oh yeah.
Wyatt Hayes: It’s either this or flirting disguised as competition.
Zack Bennett: Wow.
Troy Barrett: You get used to it.
Wyatt Hayes: Yeah. Turns out they’re less Hollander and Rozanov and more Shane and Ilya, you know?
Zack Bennett: Not really?
Wyatt Hayes: Well, you will now that you’re friends.
Zack Bennett: Is that what we are? Friends?
Shane: I mean, probably.
Shane: We have a group chat.
Zack Bennett: That’s fair enough I guess.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 20th, 2022 – 11:53pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): well that could have gone better
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): it’s just one game
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): nothing to get in our heads about
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): tell that to the fucking press
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i stg they asked roz six times about last year and “only winning one game against the admirals” and “fears about gettings swept” what the fuck
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): how are we still the scrappy underdogs here????
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): we have the two best hockey players in the league, came like fourth overall in wins, have gone to playoffs two years in a row
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): like shouldn’t we be in the conversation??
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s the press. They have the narratives they have.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ottawa will be the underdogs until we win. Then the year after that will be all about if it was a fluke or not. If we manage to win a second time, then it will be about if we can build an “actual” dynasty. And if we win a third time, it will all be about the pressure of keeping the title and who will “unseat” us.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You’re an underdog, then a contender, then a hero, then a villain.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Trust me. I know.
The Baby (Luca Haas): So our narrative is we are scrappy underdogs and the Admirals’ narrative is what? That Scott Hunter needs to win another Cup to prove he’s actually Scott Fucking Hunter?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): That kind of makes sense, actually.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The narrative for Hunter’s first Cup run was that he was washed up. OGWAC, you know?
The Baby (Luca Haas): Uh. I do not?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Old Guy Without A Cup. Second worst thing you can be in the league, besides “Promising Guy Who Never Actually Amounted To Anything”
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hockey is unforgiving. You can be a great player, but if you never take home the top prize, no one ever includes you in conversation with the GOATs.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): His second Cup proves his first wasn’t a fluke. But now the Admirals want a real dynasty. And they want it with Hunter.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He’s their guy. He’s BEEN their guy. They want to hang his jersey in the rafters.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Meanwhile, Ottawa’s never won a Cup. Until last year, we’d barely ever made playoffs, and even last year a lot of people found that easy to dismiss. Now we’re good, but we still have something to prove.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): A potential solid dynasty against a potential upcoming one. That’s the story.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I guess it’s a better story than “what does it mean for the two gay teams to be playing each other.”
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Some “blogger” DM’d me over the weekend to ask if I “felt prepared” to face off the only other team with gay players or if "bias" would play a role in our behavior on the ice. 🙄
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Guy really wanted me to say we wouldn't play physical against New York because Scott's gay like he hasn't seen Roz play Hunter for the past always.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): so what you guys are saying is the press is stupid and we should ignore them?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Basically!
—
Ilya ❤️
May 21st, 2022 – 12:06am
Shane: Hey.
Ilya ❤️: hi
Shane: Where’d you go? Everyone else went off to the bus a minute ago.
Ilya ❤️: just needed some air
Shane: You okay?
Shane: You haven’t said anything in the group chat. Not even about Luca swearing, which you’d normally be all over.
Ilya ❤️: i do not really feel like talking
Shane: Even to me?
Ilya ❤️: i always want to talk to you
Shane: It’s okay if you don’t. If you need time.
Shane: That was a tough one. I know.
Shane: For me too.
Ilya ❤️: i do not want to lose to new york again shane
Ilya ❤️: i hate getting so close and not making it
Shane: It was one game.
Shane: We have plenty of time.
Ilya ❤️: i know
Shane: But?
Ilya ❤️: what you said
Ilya ❤️: about how three cups would put scott hunters jersey in new yorks rafters
Ilya ❤️: you had three cups
Ilya ❤️: your jersey should be in montreals rafters
Shane: Ilya, I don’t want my jersey there anymore. I want it here, with you. Rafters or no rafters. Really.
Ilya ❤️: i know
Ilya ❤️: just sometimes maybe my brain knows and my heart doesn’t know
Ilya ❤️: or no. other way around.
Ilya ❤️: my heart knows and my brain is stupid about it
Ilya ❤️: i want to win for me. i want to win because i deserve a second cup. i want to win to shut up everyone who did not understand why i moved to ottawa. who could not understand it. i want to win because this team is amazing and they have taught me so much and made me so much better and so much happier.
Ilya ❤️: but i also want to win for you. so they will stop saying you wish you were still in montreal and that you do not want to be here. so they will stop suggesting you are somehow not shane hollander anymore just because you love me. like loving me is some curse that made you bad at hockey.
Shane: Where are you? I have your stuff, I’ll come find you.
Shane: So I can kiss you stupid and remind you that loving you is pretty much the only important thing I’ve ever really done.
Shane: I love you. I want to be here with you. I want to win with you, yes, but I’m okay losing with you too.
Shane: Losing isn’t so bad when I’m with you. Not as bad as it used to be.
Ilya ❤️: i am out in the hall
Shane: Be right there.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
May 22nd, 2022 – 11:19pm
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): LUCA MUTHERFUCKIN HAAS
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): CALL HIM THE SWISS ARMY KNIFE THE WAY HE ALWAYS HAS THE TOOLS YOU NEED
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): YEAAAAAAAH BOIIIIIIIIII
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): THAT’S how you tie a fucking SERIES bayBEE!
The Baby (Luca Haas): 😊
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): very good work luca
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): two very good goals
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i expect everyone to rest tonight and on the plane ride home. will be a long series, i think.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Hunter and Vaughn definitely want it.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): You can see it in their eyes.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Too bad for them we want it too.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Gonna send ‘em home CRYING!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): that is what i like to hear 😎
—
Luca Haas
May 25th, 2022 – 9:19am
Luca Haas: I have been thinking
Luca Haas: That I might come out to the team?
Shane: Oh yeah?
Luca Haas: I know they will accept me.
Luca Haas: And I don’t know.
Luca Haas: Something about playing Scott Hunter again and being on a line with you and having Roz as our Captain and seeing Troy do stupid TikTok trends because Harris makes him
Luca Haas: It feels like maybe it’s time?
Luca Haas: My family knows now.
Luca Haas: And Young keeps trying to point out girls he thinks I’ll like on Instagram, so.
Shane: You think he’d have a better gaydar.
Luca Haas: Have you ever known Kevin Young to be particularly smart and perceptive?
Luca Haas: Did you already forget “our bad, yo?”
Shane: Hah!
Shane: Fair, fair.
Shane: Well, if you feel ready you should go for it. You know Ilya and I have your back.
Luca Haas: Yes.
Luca Haas: I actually have an idea for doing it that I think Ilya would approve of.
Shane: What does that mean?
Luca Haas: You shall see. 😈
Shane: Oh my god.
Shane: I really hate the sound of that.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 1st, 2022 – 9:06am
The Baby (Luca Haas): Happy Pride Month! I am gay.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): LMAO haasy WHAT
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): deranged timing to drop this news on the day of GAME SEVEN of the conference finals i’m fucking obsessed with it
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Luca, you were right. That was a very Ilya way to do it.
The Baby (Luca Haas): I will accept exactly one question from each of you if you must ask one.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I don’t think I have any questions? Glad you felt you could tell us Luca!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): damn i already felt a lot of pressure to win but now i feel like even more pressure
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): like if we lose we’ve failed luca during PRIDE MONTH
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): that’s HIS month
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): oh but you were not worried about failing troy or shane or i during pride month?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): honestly not really
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): yeah when luca gets sad he has these big puppy eyes that are really heartbreaking and when he gets angry he does a very scary silent stormcloud thing that makes me genuinely fear for my life
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): also you shane and troy have spent like 75% of these playoffs reassuring us that every loss isn’t our fault and that there will always be more playoff chances and that we’re young and have so much career ahead of us so it sort of feels like we can’t fail you because you like love us unconditionally or whatever?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You know, on the one hand I’m happy we’ve fostered such a healthy team culture.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): and on the other hand?
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): On the other hand Shane, Ilya and I didn’t spend a decade in the league hiding who we were and carrying extremely heavy secrets around to be disrespected like this by you twerp ass children on the first day of Pride Month.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Aren’t you supposed to respect your elders?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): hey luca is the one who came out! this is his day now you guys had your moments of glory
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Mine and Ilya’s “moment of glory” was being accidentally outed in the stupidest way possible. Wasn’t exactly glorious in my recollection.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): the man makes a solid point there
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): also congrats luca! any chance you, too, are hiding a decade long relationship with an archrival?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): just cause that’s kinda roz and holly’s thing and you’ve already taken pride month from them, so it’d be a bit rude
The Baby (Luca Haas): I do not think I have an arch rival
The Baby (Luca Haas): And a decade ago I was eleven.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): jesus fucking christ
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): toss me in the crypt and throw away the key why don’t you
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): proud of you though kid, even if you make me feel ancient
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Now I’m picturing what an arch rivalry looks like when you’re 11.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Like another boy stole your colored pencils in class and now you hate him?
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): (Congrats Luca! Happy for you!)
The Baby (Luca Haas): No one has any questions? Really?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Uh, what questions do you want us to have?
The Baby (Luca Haas): I guess I thought more of you would be surprised.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): luca you had big picture of me in your room as a child and an incredibly obvious crush for a year before you met shane
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is simply not shocking that you are gay i am sorry
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): also we’re not gonna like grill you about your sex life
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): we’re not assholes
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i mean some of us might do that
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): but after playoffs are over and not in a team group chat
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah we need to know your type so we can kickstart Operation: Get Luca A Boyfriend
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): unless like nardy suggested you happen to have an archrival you’re secretly in love with
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): or anyone you’re secretly in love with 👀
The Baby (Luca Haas): I do not.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you have already stolen pride month from shane and i you will not steal our beautiful and unique love story
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Okay to be fair he didn’t STEAL pride month. You can’t steal a whole month. Or the concept of pride.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): At least I don’t think you can.
The Baby (Luca Haas): I don’t know what I was expected when I came out to the team but it really wasn't this.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): No offense Luca, but why would you expect anything else?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah being gay on this team is old news dude
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): the new prospects are going to have to start coming out as straight or we’re just going to make assumptions
The Baby (Luca Haas): You are all so weird.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah and you LOVEEEEEE US
The Baby (Luca Haas): 🙄
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): okay okay happy pride month to luca congrats on being gay
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): now
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): focus up
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is game seven
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): everything on the line
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i know there is pressure. i know it is scary.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but i love you all and i believe in you all
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will make it to the cup finals. i believe in this.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are a better team than the admirals. a stronger team. a smarter team.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): definitely a younger team 😉
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Wouldn’t be a Roz speech if he didn’t get one last crack about Hunter’s age in.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): real speech is for tonight in locker room
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this is just pre speech
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): come prepared to win for our beautiful gay son luca if no other reason
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are the gayer team on deciding first day of pride month game
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will beat scott hunter for that reason alone
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): Aye, aye cap!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): If Crowell could read these texts he’d have a coronary.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Maybe we should leak them? Would solve some problems at least.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am telling harris you said that troy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): breaking his “no wishing death on the commissioner in place where people could see it or hear it” rule
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Snitch!
—
Scott Hunter
June 1st, 2022 – 11:38pm
Scott Hunter: I know I said it in the handshake line but congratulations. Seriously.
Scott Hunter: Hell of a game.
Scott Hunter: You guys deserve the win.
Shane: Thanks, Scott.
Shane: You guys played awesome.
Scott Hunter: Look, The Kingfisher did a watch party tonight. I don’t expect it to be super celebratory at this point, but I think people there would be really happy to see you, Roz, and Barrett if you guys wanted to come by for a drink.
Scott Hunter: Rest of your team is welcome too, of course, but I know Kyle and Kip wanted to get a picture of all the active queer players at the bar if they could.
Scott Hunter: If only to get the message to Crowell that we’re not going anywhere.
Shane: Let me chat with the guys. Some of them are probably exhausted but I’m sure a few will rally.
Shane: You sure it won’t be weird to show up? We did just win against the home team.
Scott Hunter: Trust me. Every patron at that bar will be rooting for you guys if we can’t be in it.
Shane: Haha. Alright. I’ll ask around.
Scott Hunter: First rounds on me. Just to say congratulations.
—
Luca Haas
June 1st, 2022 – 11:56pm
Shane: Just an FYI if you’re coming to the Kingfisher, Scott wants a photo with all the queer hockey players. I’m guessing the bar plans to post it on Instagram.
Shane: I know you literally came out to the team like twelve hours ago but if you want to be in the photo you should feel free! But also that’s pretty public facing so, you know, your call.
Luca Haas: Hmmm.
Luca Haas: Is it weird that I wasn’t planning on on saying anything publically?
Luca Haas: It just doesn’t seem like it should be anyone’s business except my friends and family.
Shane: No, I understand that.
Shane: I really hated writing a press release to announce my relationship.
Shane: It felt so clinical.
Shane: And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to stop myself from rolling my eyes at press questions that are really just trying to get private information I don’t feel like sharing.
Luca Haas: Yeah. Like I know I’m a public figure but I guess I still don’t feel like I’m actually famous or anything, right? Like the only people who recognize me are people in Ottawa.
Luca Haas: Plus I suppose because I’m not seeing anyone I figured it didn’t really matter for now.
Luca Haas: And then if I did find someone I could just like post them on Instagram and never clarify.
Shane: I admire that approach.
Shane: Very mysterious of you.
Luca Haas: But I guess it’s good for there to be more of us visibly right?
Luca Haas: Like maybe in a couple years there will be enough of us that we won’t have to have press releases or big announcements. We can just live and play hockey.
Shane: I mean, maybe you can have your cake and eat it too?
Shane: Be in the photo, don’t clarify what it means?
Luca Haas: I hate that stupid English phrase.
Luca Haas: What is there to do with a cake except eat it?
Shane: I think the idea is once you’ve eaten the cake you no longer have it? Like you can’t keep having cake once it’s eaten.
Luca Haas: But you can get another cake!
Shane: I mean, you’re not wrong.
Luca Haas: Neither are you. About the photo, I mean.
Luca Haas: It’s not a bad idea. Like I’m here and I’m not hiding but I’m also not inviting strangers into my bedroom.
Shane: Ilya’s reading these over my shoulder and he really wants me to make a sex joke.
Shane: I’m going to refrain but I’m sure you can figure out the jist of it.
Luca Haas: 😂
Luca Haas: Are we meeting in the lobby and calling cars from there?
Shane: I think that’s the plan. See you in a few?
Luca Haas: 👍
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 2nd 2022 – 9:06am
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): quick q why the FUCK did we go out when we have a goddamn 10am flight
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): shane had the right idea drinking mostly ginger ale all night smh
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You are, in fact, allowed to go to a bar and not drink alcohol.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah but i don’t have the kind of self discipline required for that
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You’re literally a professional athlete?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): different kind of discipline
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That makes no sense.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): i don’t have to make sense! i’m hungover
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): and no one can even be mad we’re hungover because we’re going to the fucking CUP FINALS BABY!!!!!!!!!!! we deserve to fuckin CELEBRATE!
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): The real thing is Hollzy had the right idea about drinking ginger ale not because he’s not hungover but because it settles the stomach
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night when I remembered we were going to the finals
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Like. THE finals. For THE Cup. What the fuck.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): @Shane Hollander @Ilya Rozanov does this ever go away or what
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you want answer that will make you feel better or the truth
The Baby (Luca Haas): Are they not the same answer?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): My first Cup was probably the most nerve-wracking one. But they’re all nerve-wracking.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That surreal feeling doesn’t really go away.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane you are only person in this group chat who has multiple cups
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no one else can relate to this feeling
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): not even me
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh. Right.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sorry if I sounded like an asshole.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): yeah man how dare you be really really good at hockey
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): jerk move
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): what was it like for you roz?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): for your cup run
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): weird
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): whole year was weird
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Wait, why?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You won the year of the Olympics, right? Back when MLH players could go?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): The Americans took gold and the Canadians took silver. Hunter was on the US team and Shane was on Canada.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and russia did not even make the podium
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): at the olympics in russia
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): That wasn’t your fault.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i know this now
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but at the time my father was still alive and very disappointed in me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): accused me of getting distracted
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i thought perhaps he was right. decided i needed focus.
The Baby (Luca Haas): What does that mean?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He ghosted me for six months.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Dude, and you took him BACK?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We weren’t officially together back then! And I did my own shitty things later.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We weren’t exactly good at having emotions back then and were even worse at talking about them.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this was before we knew how to talk to one another really
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but part of me knew that i was perhaps a little obsessed with shane and thought maybe my father had a point
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): when i saw shane in sochi after i lost he was very nice. wanted to comfort me. and i wanted to be comforted. this was no good, obviously, because we could not be together.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): wild to read that after attending your literal actual wedding to the guy lol
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes well we were young and stupid then and world was different
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane still thought he might be straight
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): insane thing to think
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): How am I getting chirped during the story about you ghosting me?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Isn’t this time for you to be kissing up?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i love youuuuu 😘
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Not that this isn’t sweet but weren’t we talking about playing in the Cup finals?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is all related my dear sweet nardy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): during my cup run i put much pressure on myself
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i isolated myself. if you talk to marly or st. vicky they would tell you i was angry and not very fun to be around
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and yes we won
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but this was not the best way to win
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): when buzzer sounded it was very exciting. best i ever felt, yes. but then afterwards all i wanted was to talk to shane. to call him and hear his voice. but i had forbidden myself from that.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and my father did not call. he was not really proud. he cared less about me winning than he did about me losing.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i could not erase the olympics by succeeding in playoffs. so i made myself miserable for very little reason. i did not truly feel celebratory about my cup until i got to brag about it to shane when i saw him again later at mlh awards
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i say this to say nerves are normal. but you are not alone in having them. there are 22 other players on this team going through this. so do not cut yourself off from them if you need them. now more than ever we must be a real team.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will win by doing what we did all year. by working together and supporting each other. by having fucking fun out there on the ice.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and it will be the best anyone has ever felt lifting that fucking cup
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Fucking right it’ll be!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Woo!
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): HELL yeah HELL motherfucking YEAH!!!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We’ve fucking got this.
—
Ilya ❤️
June 2nd, 2022 – 9:46am
Shane: You’re pretty good at the big dramatic speech.
Ilya ❤️: what, you did not give many of these in montreal as captain?
Shane: You know me.
Shane: I mostly said “we gotta get the puck across the ice.”
Ilya ❤️: you do not give yourself enough credit
Shane: Or maybe you’re just a better captain than I ever was.
Shane: I’m feeling pretty motivated.
Ilya ❤️: well i am always motivated by you personally 😉
Shane: Me too.
Shane: You know, all this talk about how we saw each other again in Vegas after you won the cup has me thinking.
Shane: Maybe it’s time for a repeat performance?
Shane: A better one, now that we actually talk to each other.
Ilya ❤️: don’t flirt with me as we are getting on a plane shane you kill me 😩
Ilya ❤️: could join the mile high club 👀
Shane: Ew.
Shane: Besides, I’ve done that before. Doesn’t live up to the hype.
Ilya ❤️: what
Ilya ❤️: shane what
Ilya ❤️: shane do not put your phone in your pocket and pretend to talk to wyatt right now look at me!!!!
Ilya ❤️: you are kidding yes
Ilya ❤️: you have never had sex in a plane with someone who isn’t me
Ilya ❤️: was it rose???
Ilya ❤️: barely counts if it was rose because i know neither of you had fun
Ilya ❤️: seriously hollander was it rose
Ilya ❤️: SHANE
Shane: Wow, that really got to you huh?
Shane: Of course I’ve never joined the mile high club, Ilya.
Ilya ❤️: you tease me :(
Ilya ❤️: you tease your beautiful husband who has done nothing but love you
Shane: 😘
Ilya ❤️: when we get home we will see how much you like being the one getting teased
Shane: Promise?
Ilya ❤️: promise 😉
Chapter End Notes
shane is right zack bennett. love is stored in the group chat.
funniest bit Of All Time is that in the books scott is three years older than ilya. ilya joking that scott is ancient is truly just him being a little shit. i suppose i'm officially using show!scott because the athletic doesn't consider you an old guy without a cup until you are 33, which means it would NOT have applied to book!scotts 2017 cup run lmao (also shout out to the athletic, from which i stole both OGWAC and the players poll for this fic and other fics in this series lol)
as always, thanks for reading! as we approach the end i am more thankful than ever for you fine fine folks. <3
Chapter 11: ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT
Chapter Notes
Centaurs Official Team Chat
June 7th, 2022 – 10:00am
Coach Wiebe: Game 1 tomorrow night boys.
Coach Wiebe: I know a lot of people doubted us. Doubted us last year, doubted us this year. But I never doubted any of you. And more than that, none of you ever doubted yourselves.
Coach Wiebe: We’ve got talent on this roster. We’ve got depth. We’ve got hockey IQ, and speed, and precision, and power. But we’ve got something more than all of that. We’ve got fucking heart.
Coach Wiebe: We’ve got a team that has each others backs on and off the ice. We’ve got friends and family who’ve been at every home game. We’ve got fans who are so excited to get to enjoy watching their team again.
Coach Wiebe: None of that goes away if LA wins a game or two. None of that goes away if LA wins the Cup. That’s forever. You guys will always be champions in one way or another, Cup or no Cup.
Coach Wiebe: But I believe in this fucking team. You guys can do this. We can show LA that we’re the best team in the league, because we ARE the best team in the league.
Coach Wiebe: You’ve trained hard. You’ve played hard all season. You’ve left it all out there on the ice.
Coach Wiebe: And we’re going to do that again. We are going to bring that Cup HOME.
Coach Wiebe: Centaurs forever.
Coach Wiebe: Let’s kick some ass.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 7th, 2022 – 10:06am
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): okay i don’t want to bring this energy into the Main Group Chat but uh
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i feel like fucking puking lmao
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): like what do you MEAN we are playing in GAME ONE of the CUP FINALS at HOME freaking TOMORROW
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): what am i supposed to do TODAY just sit around and think too much??????
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i tired to work out and then convinced myself i was going to pull a muscle and made myself stop and now i’m just pacing back and forth and googling la’s power play stats
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ah lp you are once again proving yourself to be shane’s son
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): oh he’s freaking out too????
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): actually no
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he is doing yoga
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and being very positive and smiling
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is honestly kind of scary
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s scary I’m doing yoga?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is scary you are so calm yes
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you have not asked me even once about strategy for tomorrow or made me look at la game tape
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Wait I’m just realizing that this is your first Cup like Together Together, isn’t it?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I mean, we were exclusive when I won the Cup with Montreal in 2020.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But we lived in different cities then.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): What did you, like. . . do?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I already feel so far from Lisa when our days off don’t align, I can’t imagine doing this whole playoff thing a full two hours away from my partner. Like I really think without her I’d be going insane.
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): ominous thing to say for us single guys
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): when regular season was over i went to montreal and stayed with shane for a bit between series
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but not for whole playoffs
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): he did not want me to be a distraction and kept kicking me out :(
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Past Shane was really fucking stupid, for what it’s worth.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hate that guy.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do not talk about my boyfriend that way hollander 😡
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but yes shane was much more uptight last time he was in cup run
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): this time he is having a beer between series and sleeping through the night and going whole five hours without doing tape review
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): do we think they have body snatched my husband
The Baby (Luca Haas): No, it’s definitely still Shane. The other day at practice I asked him the last time a team went from second to last place to Cup winners in two seasons and he gave me a ten minute history lesson.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): haasy baby you did that yourself my friend
The Baby (Luca Haas): It was interesting to learn!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): kiss ass
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): No, I think Luca actually means it. His face was truly delighted.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): man maybe luca is shane’s son too
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane and i are married kevin. his children are my children and other way around.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): including you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it’s why i do not get mad when you try to hold his hand during scary movies
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): is normal for a son to seek the comfort of his father
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): jesus fucking christ
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I’m not engaging with any of that.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): But you’re not wrong about me being more relaxed. Honestly, I think part of it is I’ve never been a scrappy underdog before. It’s kind of fun.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): that was the least humble humblebrag i have ever heard holly
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I never claimed to be humble, Bood.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I just always looked humble compared to SOME people
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 💅
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): dude who taught you that emoji 😂
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am hip with the kids
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Harris 🙄
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): He keeps showing them internet stuff on our double dates. It’s VERY annoying.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): We are like three weeks away from Shane making some sort of devastatingly Online internet comment that will break the new social media person, which Harris keeps saying is “appropriate hazing after what I had to deal with.”
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Roz is already such a menace and my own boyfriend is accidentally making TWO of him.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): just wait until we have kids barrett 😈
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): damn man i know they won’t be like genetically related to both of you
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): but those kids are still gonna be so good at hockey
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): They’ll be good at whatever they want to do, even if it isn’t hockey.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): okay they definitely haven’t body snatched shane, no one gives a better media soundbite than that
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Fuck off, Dykstra.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): yep that’s our boy for SURE!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Okay but Roz and Hollzy’s kid will love hockey, come on?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): can you even imagine
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): “hockey isn’t my dream dads. . . . it’s yours. . . .”
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): roz and holly’s kid doing a troy bolton would be iconic i fear
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): why are we talking about roz and hollzy’s future fake children when their real first child could be a mere four to seven games away
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Oh, have you joined Mrs. Hollander in believing the joint Hollander-Rozanov Cup counts as a grandchild?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yes!!!!!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): I am pretty sure the chat was trying to be distracting, LP.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): oh
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): wait i’m really the only one whos nervous?????
The Baby (Luca Haas): No, I am nervous too.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Same
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): big same
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): lowkey feel a little bit like dying
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): i feel fine
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): really?
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): no i puked in the shower this morning lol
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Dude. Gross.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Holmes, please tell me you own bleach.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Actually, no, don’t tell me.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Ignorance is bliss.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): lp like i said the other day
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we are all nervous
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is normal. you are not alone.
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): you said shane wasn’t!!!!!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): He said I was LESS nervous than I was in 2020.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): The bar for beating that metric is very, very low LP, I assure you.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Also he lied, I absolutely made him review LA tape last night to talk about strategy.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i was trying to help!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): look it sounds impossible but a lot of this feeling goes away once you are on the ice
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): it is this part that is hardest part
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): the waiting
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): okay so
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): what do we do about this part?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Movie night?
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Anyone who wants to can come over and we can all chill here.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): I will kick you all out at ten to get a full nights sleep though.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I don’t think we expected anything else, Shane.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): come at six
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will cook steaks and watch devil wears prada
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): why the devil wears prada lmao?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): first movie i thought of that definitely does not have hockey in it
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): valid
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): okay well i’m definitely coming if only to save the steaks from your cooking roz
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): 🖕
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Partners and kids welcome!
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): See you all soon. 🙂
—
Zane Boodram
June 7th, 2022 – 12:19pm
Zane Boodram: I know the Cup is the primary focus but are you planning anything for Rozy’s birthday?
Zane Boodram: I was thinking of asking the guys to pitch in for a cake and maybe some champagne, if he’d go for that during playoffs?
Shane: Definitely!
Shane: I wasn’t planning too much since we’re in LA for it. I think we’ll do a bigger thing when we’re back in Ottawa with my parents. But I don’t want to do nothing.
Shane: I DM’d one of the Russian guys on the Emperors for a restaurant recommendation. Figured maybe we can get lunch before the game, at the very least.
Zane Boodram: That’s an awesome idea! Presuming you don’t think they’ll poison him for a playoff advantage.
Shane: Eh, we can force one of the equipment managers to taste test.
Zane Boodram: 😂
Zane Boodram: Well you have any other ideas for something we should do, let me know!
Shane: Yeah, will do.
Shane: I’m definitely going to post something.
Shane: I know it matters to him, being visible. Loving each other out loud, where other people can see. I really want to be better at that.
Zane Boodram: I don’t know man, I think you’re pretty good at that.
Zane Boodram: Maybe too good. Some of us have wives who won’t stop bringing up other peoples hickeys.
Shane: Really wish it wasn't too late in the season to put in a trade request.
Zane Boodram: you know no one believes you when you say shit like that man lol
Shane: Yeah, I know.
Shane: 🙂
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 8th, 2022 – 9:27am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): thank you for fun movie night
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): tonight we kill la
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we have the power of miranda priestly on our side
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and also we are better, funner, sexier hockey team 😉
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 9th, 2022 – 12:03am
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): holy fucking shit that game
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i think my hands are still shaking
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): that was the loudest i have ever heard this crowd
The Baby (Luca Haas): Remember when the arena would be like half sold????
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): 4-0 SWEEP INCOMING BABY
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Ne nous porte pas la putain de poisse!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): nardy baby you know i barely speak english come on
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Do not fucking jinx us Young!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): since when are you superstitious man?
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I think the Cup has made god fearing grandmas of us all.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Lisa just texted me to tell me she’ll wear the shirt she wore tonight for every game in case it’s “special”
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): This from a woman who once told me believing too much in luck was “anti-science nonsense”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): tell dr. lisa thank you
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good fucking game tonight boys
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but it is one game
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): la will not make it easy on us
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Yeah, Ramos was on fire tonight.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Hazy was just MORE on fire.
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I mean, we’re talking on fire, we’re talking Roz, no??
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Two goals and an assist?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): last goal was empty net
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): barely counts
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Take the compliment, asshole.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes yes thank you hazy
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): now it is past midnight
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): everyone go home and sleep
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): rest up tomorrow so we can kill them twice at home yes?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): Aye aye cap!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): !!!
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 10th, 2022 – 11:29pm
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): alright well we knew we weren’t really going to go 4-0
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): I still think you jinxed it.
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Go stand in your back yard, spin around three times, spit, and swear.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): ? isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you say macbeth in a theater
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): ???
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): kevin no offense but how do you know that
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): my sister did theater in high school!!! i learned a lot of dumb bullshit from her thank you very much
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Wow Young. You have layers I hadn’t even considered before.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): yeah man
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): like shrek
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): And there’s the Kevin we know and love.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): To be fair to Young, he probably didn’t Jinx it. A 4-0 Cup sweep hasn’t happened since the 90s.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): booooo shane don’t be reasonable rn
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): so my own husband did not believe in this team going 4-0. . . betrayal. . .
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Oh my god
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): You are all so dramatic.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): fine fine shane is right
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): one game is no big deal
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): so we’re not going to talk about la’s totally insane home ice win record?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you know lp do not take this the wrong way
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but of all young guys to be very nervous about first cup finals shane and i both expected it to be luca
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hey don’t bring me into this! I told you that in confidence!
The Baby (Luca Haas): What! I don’t panic! I’m calm and collected!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Luca, most of us in this group chat where around for the first time you met Roz, you can’t pull the wool over our eyes kid.
The Baby (Luca Haas): Okay that was about meeting ILYA ROZANOV.
The Baby (Luca Haas): I’m calm about games! Mostly!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): ohhhh
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i see now why shane likes it so much when you say it in all caps
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): feels very good
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i don’t mean to be panicking i just feel like i did too much research
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): do NOT say i’m shane’s son again because 1) i get it and 2) i told my real dad you guys make that joke and i think it gave him a complex
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): wow sorry to mr. lapointe
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): here is the thing lp
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you are not wrong about la on home ice
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): but statistics like this do not always matter during the cup
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): better teams lose to worse teams. star players suddenly cannot get goals. goalies who have been like сито all year suddenly become brick walls
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): It’s sieve in English, Ilya.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): thank you sweetheart
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what i am saying is statistics and past season do not matter
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): what matters is sixty minutes on the ice, yes?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): was i wrong the other day or today? you put skates on ice and all the other noise fell away, yes?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): yeah
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): 100%
The Baby (Luca Haas): Yes.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): careful kids, don’t inflate his ego too much
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Too late.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): same ice in la, i promise
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): will feel the same
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): in the meantime eat well and sleep well yes?
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): and do something to relax
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane does stretches. i hit a punching bag. we both watch bad reality tv and text rose landry about it
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): okay well famously shane won’t give me rose landry’s number so
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Sorry, LP, she’s a very private person.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): you are getting the point, yes?
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): he’s getting LApointe BABY
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): ugh
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): that’s the worst joke ever, kev
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): no i get it
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): i downloaded headspace
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): good
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will win game three
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i believe in us
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): You gotta BELIEVE baby!
—
Svetlana Vetrova
June 11th, 2022 – 11:19am
Shane: Hi Svetlana. What are the odds you happen to be free June 18th?
Svetlana Vetrova: Hello Shane.
Svetlana Vetrova: You are inviting me to game 5?
Shane: Yes! I have a ticket set aside for you, next to my parents.
Shane: Sorry I didn’t text earlier, but I didn’t want to assume we’d go to Game 5, you know? But now that the series is 1-1 it’s got to happen, so.
Shane: And we’re in LA for Ilya’s birthday but I know he’d like to see you.
Shane: I figured you would have texted me if you bought tickets to the LA game on his birthday.
Svetlana Vetrova: You are right, I did not.
Svetlana Vetrova: I did not want him to feel any pressure with my being there. I figured at least he has you. He does not need to waste brain space trying to entertain me.
Svetlana Vetrova: But I would love to come to Ottawa for Game 5.
Svetlana Vetrova: Shall I book a hotel so I’m out of your hair?
Shane: No come stay in the guest room! We have the space.
Shane: And Anya loves you.
Svetlana Vetrova: My favorite niece!
Svetlana Vetrova: I will book a flight and send you my info. I can get to your place from the airport if you want it to be a big surprise.
Shane: That could be fun. I can pay for the flight.
Svetlana Vetrova: Shane I fly to Moscow first class four times a year. I am double platinum status. I can book my own flight.
Shane: I’m being hospitable!
Svetlana Vetrova: Yes, Ilya’s very polite Canadian boy ❤️
Svetlana Vetrova: I will email you details.
Svetlana Vetrova: Tell your parents I am looking forward to seeing them.
Shane: Of course. They’ll be psyched when I tell them.
Shane: You’re basically the only person on Earth as obsessed with hockey as my mom. And I’m including myself.
Svetlana Vetrova: It is an honor to be compared to Yuna Hollander.
Svetlana Vetrova: Good luck in game three мой друг
Svetlana Vetrova: I believe in you both.
Shane: Thanks Sveta. Love you.
Svetlana Vetrova: Love you too. ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 13th, 2022 – 11:58pm
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): I said it in the locker room but I want to say it again: I’m sorry, guys.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hazy, it’s not your fault.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Way it goes sometimes.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): shane is right
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we will get them next time
—
Ilya ❤️
June 14th, 2022 – 9:19am
Shane: Busy today?
Ilya ❤️: ???
Ilya ❤️ : shane you are in the hotel gym and i am upstairs what are you talking about
Shane: I’m asking you out on a date, dumbass
Shane: Since we have a game tomorrow I thought we could do a birthday thing today.
Shane: If you want. If you want to stay in and lay in bed all day we can do that too.
Ilya ❤️ : no i want to go out
Ilya ❤️ : with my very sexy husband
Ilya ❤️ : it is la i assume you have found some horrible health food for us to eat
Shane: You’ll see.
Shane: Lunch? Then we’re back in time for the team thing tonight?
Ilya ❤️ : okay
Ilya ❤️ : see you soon
Ilya ❤️ : я тебя люблю
Shane: я тебя люблю
—
Ilya ❤️
June 14th, 2022 – 7:19pm
Ilya ❤️: have i told you i love you yet today
Shane: Hm, several times.
Shane: In a couple of languages.
Ilya ❤️: not enough times
Ilya ❤️: i could tell you every second of every day for the rest of our lives and it would not be enough
Ilya ❤️: would not show you how much i truly feel
Shane: Don’t make me cry at team dinner.
Shane: This is because I took you to lunch at a Russian place?
Ilya ❤️: because you think of me
Ilya ❤️: because you know me
Ilya ❤️: i am so lucky
Ilya ❤️: i must have been a very good person in a past life i think
Shane: I love you too.
Shane: And you’re right. Every second of every day for the rest of our lives isn’t enough time to show you how much.
Shane: But I plan to make the most of that time anyway.
Ilya ❤️: ❤️
—
Fam Chat
June 15th, 2022 – 9:01am
Mom: Happy birthday Ilya!!!
Dad: Happy birthday son!
Mom: We love you so much.
Dad: Wish we could be there but know we’re holding down the fort here for you!
Dad: [PHOTO: Anya, in her classic Centaurs bandana, splayed out on the floor asleep]
Dad: She has no idea it’s game 4!
Mom: Lucky her!
Mom: Love you both. You’ve got this!
Ilya ❤️: thank you yuna and david
Ilya ❤️: love you both as well ❤️ and my anya of course
Ilya ❤️: looking forward to celebrating when we are back in town
Ilya ❤️: after this win 😎
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 15th, 2022 – 9:46am
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): happy birthday roz!!!!
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): AYYYYY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAP
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): happy bday to the russian fucking menance!!!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): happy birthday cap!
The Baby (Luca Haas): Happy birthday Ilya 🙂
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): we are winning this one for YOU buddy
Nard Dog (Nick Chouinard): Happy birthday Capitaine!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Happy birthday Ilya!!
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Happy birthday Ilya!
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): I think I speak for all of us when I say you mean a fucking lot to this team man.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): We’re gonna win this Cup for you.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Love ya.
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): not as much as hollander loves you but you know
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Thanks for recognizing that, Dykstra.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Love you Ilya. ❤️
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes yes we are one big happy family
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): only gift i want is to murder la on their home ice, yes?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): y’all heard the man
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): Let’s go!!
The Baby (Luca Haas): For you, Roz!!!
—
Ilya ❤️
June 15th, 2022 – 1:19pm
Ilya ❤️: hollander where the fuck are you
Shane: Hotel gym. Why?
Ilya ❤️: because i saw your fucking instagram post
Ilya ❤️: and now i have to suck your dick
Ilya ❤️: you big romantic
Shane: Oh, you liked that?
Ilya ❤️: shane i am being serious
Shane: Give me fifteen minutes, I’ll head back to the room.
Ilya ❤️: five
Shane: I need at least ten if I’m going to shower.
Ilya ❤️: why shower 😈
Shane: Jesus Christ.
Shane: Okay, five minutes.
Ilya ❤️: 😘
—
Fam Chat
June 15th, 2022 – 11:38pm
Mom: You boys will get ‘em back home. ❤️
Dad: Still a great game!
—
Svetlana Vetrova
June 15th, 2022 – 11:43pm
Svetlana Vetrova: Well I am even more glad I am coming in two days.
Svetlana Vetrova: Is he okay?
Shane: I mean, he’s been better.
Shane: Tough one.
Shane: But he’ll be okay.
Shane: Still a lot of hockey to play.
Svetlana Vetrova: I have said this already, but I am glad you are with him.
Svetlana Vetrova: And I am glad he is with you.
Svetlana Vetrova: So neither of you have to be alone.
Shane: Me too.
Shane: I’ll see you in a couple days. Text me when you’re at the airport?
Svetlana Vetrova: Of course.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 15th, 2022 – 11:53pm
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): Sorry, Cap.
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): feels like we let you down
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): seriously
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no no no
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): none of this
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): was a good game. a close game. a hard game.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): sometimes they get the puck in and we don’t. it is how it goes.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i will not let any of you feel you have disappointed me
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i am proud of every one of you
The Baby (Luca Haas): We love you, Roz.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): We’ll get ‘em in Game 5.
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): fuck yeah we will
—
Ilya ❤️
June 15th, 2022 – 11:54pm
Shane: I’m proud of YOU, you know.
Ilya ❤️: proud of a man who cannot score a goal in a very important playoff game?
Shane: Yes.
Shane: Proud of a man who’s gotten this far with a team no one ever thought could do it.
Shane: Proud of a man who sacrificed so much to try and build a future for us.
Shane: Proud of the man I love.
Ilya ❤️: thank you
Ilya ❤️: i will say as much as this hurts it hurts less knowing i will fall asleep in your arms tonight
Shane: I know. For me too.
Shane: I’ll be waiting for you on the bus?
Ilya ❤️: will be there soon
—
Ilya ❤️
June 16th, 2022 – 9:16am
Shane: Hi baby.
Shane: We’re on the plane right now, so these aren’t going to go through for a minute. And even if they went through you’re dead asleep on my shoulder (drooling, by the way, even though you claim you don’t, you liar) so it’s not like you’d read them right away anyway.
Shane: You know I’m not always good at saying things out loud so I thought I’d try to do it this way. You said you’d always read my English, so I guess I’m holding you to that.
Shane: Happy birthday. A day late, I know. But I wanted you to hear it again. And I’m sorry we couldn’t win on your birthday. I really, really am.
Shane: I know you told the boys last night you were proud of them. And I’m proud of them too. You’re right, it was a tough loss but we tried. We played great hockey. Sometimes that’s all we can do.
Shane: But I know it weighs on you. Because it weighs on me. The way the puck bounces. The shots you miss. It’s easy to forgive others but it’s harder to forgive yourself. And it can feel like it matters so much in the moment, even though at the end of the day it’s just a game. But I guess it’s never really been just a game to us, right?
Shane: You and I have been playing hockey for a long time. We’ve lost a lot of games. I’ve had some losses that have felt like the end of the world. And I’ve watched you lose games and I’ve known that you feel that too. And for years I’ve felt this sort of emptiness, after those games, because I was alone, or because I was worried you were alone. There were so many years where I just wanted to text you that I was sorry, that I understood, that I saw you, and I held back because I didn’t think I was allowed to. And I know it was the same for you.
Shane: So I’m sad we lost last night, yes. But I’m so so happy that you weren’t alone. I’m so happy I got to hold you in bed last night and kiss you and cry together.
Shane: And look. I want to win this more than anything. I know you do too. But I also know that even if we don’t win, we’ll have each other. Win or lose. Like you said. And I’d give up a thousand Cups to have that.
Shane: You asked me once if I’d choose you over hockey. And I know you know the answer by now, but I want to say it again. I would choose you any time. Always. Forever.
Shane: But also? I watched this team – your team, that you lead, that you helped make fucking contenders – get on the plane today and I thought “well, hell, if anyone can do it it’s us.” If anyone can come back from three games down and prove the whole fucking world wrong, it’s the goddamn Ottawa Centaurs.
Shane: So I’m not counting us out yet.
Shane: But win or lose it’s me and you forever.
Shane: And I hope you know that you have a family here. My parents, of course, but these guys, too. This team. This city. Me.
Shane: We all love you so much.
Shane: But I love you the most.
Shane: And I can’t wait for you to wake up and complain about the crick in your neck because you fell asleep like this, and I can’t wait to drive you home and have you bitch about how slow I’m going, and I can’t wait to see our dog and our house and fall asleep together in our bed, and I can’t wait to do that every single night until we’re old and fat and grey.
Shane: I love you.
—
Ilya ❤️
June 16th, 2022 – 3:19pm
Ilya ❤️: shane
Ilya ❤️: i love you so fucking much
Ilya ❤️: you are right that everything is better with you. the losses hurt less and the wins mean more. i would lose a million cups if meant you were always by my side
Shane: I’m literally by your side right now.
Shane: We could be talking instead of texting.
Ilya ❤️: the team does not need to hear these thoughts
Ilya ❤️: these are just for us
Ilya ❤️: я тебя люблю
Ilya ❤️: always always always
Shane: Always always always ❤️
Shane: But honestly? I do think we’re going to win.
Ilya ❤️: only you can look at 3-1 series score and think that
Shane: Turns out I’m an optimist. Who knew?
—
Fam Chat
June 17th, 2022 – 11:19am
Ilya ❤️: [PHOTO: A selfie of Ilya, Svetlana, and Shane, next to one another and grinning widely.]
Ilya ❤️: i cannot believe you all hid great surprise from me
Mom: Haha! Happy belated birthday sweetie.
Mom: See you three for dinner tonight!!
Dad: Looking good kids!!
—
Ilya ❤️
June 17th, 2022 – 11:32am
Ilya ❤️: i suppose next year i will have to sneak rose landry home for your birthday to beat you, no?
Shane: You do that and I guess I’ll just have to let you get a second dog so I win again.
Ilya ❤️: shane do not tease me about this
Shane: Let’s talk about it when Anya’s not an actual puppy anymore.
Shane: I can only handle so many toddlers at a time.
Ilya ❤️: a thing hayden pike has never said
Shane: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shane: Stop texting me and pay attention to your best friend, asshole. I’m pretty sure she’s noticed you’re on your phone.
Ilya ❤️: but can she blame me when you are so romantic?
Shane: 🙄
Shane: ❤️
—
Rose Landry
June 18th, 2022 – 9:28am
Rose Landry: Okay firstly, I am so jealous that Svetlana is in Ottawa right now.
Rose Landry: I want to be there!
Shane: If I didn’t KNOW you were filming something right now I would have invited you, obviously.
Rose Landry: Well lucky for you filming wrapped a little early.
Rose Landry: Which means this girl got herself tickets to game 6.
Rose Landry: Since you and I will both be in LA then. 😉
Shane: Rose, seriously?
Shane: Firstly, I could have gotten you tickets.
Shane: Secondly, there might not even be a game 6.
Shane: If they win tonight the whole thing is over, you know.
Rose Landry: Don’t mansplain hockey to me Shane Hollander. I AM a fan, I’ll have you remember.
Shane: Sorry, sorry, you’re right.
Rose Landry: Besides, there’s definitely going to be a game six.
Rose Landry: And a game seven.
Rose Landry: And a Cup parade in Ottawa.
Shane: You have that much faith?
Rose Landry: I have psychic intuition, Shane.
Rose Landry: I can see the future.
Rose Landry: And you and your husband and your team are going to be winners.
Shane: Well.
Shane: Who am I to question psychic intuition?
Rose Landry: Exactly.
Rose Landry: So I’ll see you in LA in a few days.
Rose Landry: I’ve already rented out a restaurant so we don’t have to deal with cameras.
Shane: Hahaha
Shane: You’re crazy, you know that right?
Rose Landry: I’m simply trusting my gut!
Shane: Alright. In that case, I guess I’ll see you soon.
Rose Landry: ❤️
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 18th, 2022 – 10:29am
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): Comeback starts tonight boys.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): one because svetlana is here and she will kill you all if you play bad hockey in front of her
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): two because apparently rose landry will be at game six if we get there and this might be only chance many of you have to meet her because shane is a deeply jealous man
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): Hey!
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no no it is fair моя любовь
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): having seen bergy’s tinder i too would avoid introducing him to rose landry
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): bro what did i do omg
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): my boy out here catching strays
The Baby (Luca Haas): Bergy you are a professional athlete and you still have a photo of you holding a fish on your profile
The Baby (Luca Haas): You have done this to yourself
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): what’s wrong with fishing???
The Baby (Luca Haas): I’m so sick of straight men 🙁
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): season lasted so long luca turned on us damn
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): BACK TO POINT
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): three we will have comeback because we are a good team
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): great team
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): fucking best team in major league hockey
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): media says we are scrappy underdogs and guess what? coming back from 3-1 in the series is scrappy underdog shit
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): going from worst team in the league to cup contenders in a couple of years is scrappy underdog shit
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): going from league wide joke to team with so many all-star players they had to actually ban us from the all-star game is scrappy underdog shit
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): other teams would look at 3-1 series score and say “no no that mountain is too high i cannot climb it”
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): not the ottawa fucking centaurs
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we look at everyone telling us we cannot do it, we will not do it, and we do it fucking anyway
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): because we are the fucking best
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i want la to go home crying
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i want everyone on their bench to be so fucking afraid of us they decide to retire
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): i want to win a cup with this team because we fucking deserve it
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): so tonight we lock the fuck in and we fucking do it
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): no more nerves, no more fear
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): just us and the fucking ice
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): yes?
Like a Record Baby (Will LaPointe): hell fucking yeah
Nose Milk (Kevin Young): HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!!
Sherlock Holmes (Carter Holmberg): HELL fucking YEAH!
The Baby (Luca Haas): We will do it!!!
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes): How can we not do it, after a speech like that?
BBQ God (Zane Boodram): shoulda saved some of that for the locker room roz, no?
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): that this is the gc speech means whatever he says in the locker room is going to be 200x more deranged
Banned from Aux (Evan Dykstra): and i mean that as a compliment
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Goddamn Rozy, you know how to give a speech.
Not An Asshole At All (Troy Barrett): Let’s go kill these guys.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): LA goes home crying.
Roz’s Significantly Better Half (Shane Hollander): We’ve fucking got this.
Big Husband Guy (Ilya Rozanov): we’ve fucking got this
—
Ilya ❤️
June 18th, 2022 – 10:35am
Shane: Hell of a speech, Captain.
Ilya ❤️: what can i say?
Ilya ❤️: you have made me an optimist
Ilya ❤️: and also i remembered you and i must upstage scott hunter by having better and more beautiful kiss when we win
Ilya ❤️: captains orders
Shane: Well
Shane: If it’s captains orders.
Shane: But hey. I love you. No matter what happens.
Ilya ❤️: i know. i love you too. no matter what happens.
Shane: But we’re going to win. Rose, Svetlana, and my mom all say so and I’ve never known any of those women to be wrong.
Ilya ❤️: yes моя любовь
Ilya ❤️: we’re going to win
Ilya ❤️: i know it in my heart
Shane: I know it in mine too.
—
CENTAURS FOREVER
June 25th, 2022 – 1:28am
Hazy (Wyatt Hayes) changed the group chat name to CENTAURS FOREVER (CUP CHAMPIONS BABY!!!)
Chapter End Notes
yes the chapter count went up i do still have chronic "can't shut the fuck up disease" lol. my bad.
i shamelessly stole that "no i puked in the shower" joke from parks and rec i'll admit it
when i first wrote this cup run out in my last fic in this series i was like "maybe it's a little crazy they keep going to overtime and game 7 and even triple overtime once" and then i watched the 2026 nhl playoffs and it turns out i was actually being EXTREMELY realistic lmao. eagle eyed viewers may notice the days of these cup games align with the 2024 stanley cup series in which the florida panthers beat the edmonton oilers. why? well the 2022 season was shortened irl so i couldn't use those dates and i wanted to use dates that felt realistic so i just picked a recent playoff series and ran with it. that it ended up with a game on ilya's bday was icing on the cake.
fun fact: this is the second fic i've written that takes place in 2022 and last time i consulted a calendar the entire time to make sure my days and dates were PERFECTLY ACCURATE and then at the end was like "that was kind of intense right? absolutely no one else would care if june 17th 2022 was actually a friday (it was)" so i decided not to do that here. i have no idea what days of the week these games are on and i'm fine with that. (that's also why there's no afternoon games, bc i couldn't be assed to figure out which of these dates might be weekends lol.)
anyway! we are (still) almost done but you get two more updates! as always thanks for reading and for commenting. i'm so happy to post this part bc i love to see our boys WINNING!
Afterword
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