Operation MarryJane

Carmichael

sup losers

06:03

hello???

06:04

guys?

06:06

Marlow

Anyone dead?

06:06

Carmichael

no

06:07

Marlow

In jail?

06:08

Carmichael

…no

06:09

Marlow

About to be?

06:11

Carmichael

i don't think so??

06:11

Marlow

Good enough

06:12

Carmichael

oh I see what you did there

06:13

hey no wait!

06:13

Carmichael

you're not getting rid off me that easy jackass

06:13

don't ignore me marly, I know you're awake

06:16

marly

06:17

marly

06:17

marly

06:17

marly

06:18

marly

06:18

Hammersmith

Please stop

06:19

Cliff is asleep. He muted the chat the moment you added him back

06:19

Carmichael

what an asshole

06:20

Hammersmith

yeah clearly he's the problem

06:22

You

ok what the fuck is wrong with you???

06:22

i watched you drink double your body weight in beer like two hours ago, how the fuck are you sober

06:24

Carmichael

sober is for the weak. i prefer hilarious

06:24

You

...i'd blame the hangover for how long it took me to get the joke but the truth is you just aren't that funny

06:28

Hammersmith

I know that's not the point but the awards were five days ago

06:29

You

urgh don't remind me

06:30

Carmichael

so?

06:30

Hammersmith

connors just said it was two hours ago?

06:33

You

no I didn't

06:33

Hammersmith

wait

06:34

YOU WENT OUT AGAIN ALREADY

06:35

WITHOUT ME???

06:35

Carmichael

you said if you ever smell rum again you'll throw up

06:37

You

duh

06:37

you ditched us the moment management gave the all clear

06:38

Hammersmith

so sorry I have a family I want to spend the summer with more than listen to you idiots argue about who pushed jeff off the wagon

06:41

hang on, is that why bri found an express delivery of rum balls in the mail?

06:42

Carmichael

i plead the fifth

06:44

Hammersmith

with you assholes around who even needs enemies

06:44

You

for the record

06:46

we never argued about who pushed jeff. that would be stupid

06:46

we argued about who gets to push him

06:47

Hammersmith

you're proving my point

06:47

…so who did?

06:50

You

if you know you know

06:51

Carmichael

iykyk

06:51

You

@Micky how did I type the full words and was still faster than you?

06:53

Carmichael

what do you want, a prize?

06:54

You

sure. I never say no to one more confirmation that I'm better than you

06:55

Carmichael

dude fuck you

06:55

for real

06:55

Hammersmith

I'm afraid to ask but why did someone push jeff off the wagon?

06:56

You

it was an accident

06:58

people fall off wagons all the time

06:59

Hammersmith

usually only metaphorically though

07:01

Carmichael

come on man, you're old but you're not that dumb

07:02

Hammersmith

see this is why i always laugh when people ask me if i miss the team during the summer

07:04

Carmichael

it was either that or cap was gonna murder him

07:04

and roz can't lose his visa

07:05

You

again it was definitely an accident

07:05

Carmichael

yeah obviously

07:06

Hammersmith

he isn't dead right? i feel like I would have noticed if he died

07:06

You

it was a wagon not a bridge

07:07

he's got some scrapes and i think they checked him for a concussion but everyone was drunk

07:09

he might have strained his wrist or something but who cares

07:09

Carmichael

maybe next year we should do it on a bridge

07:10

accidentally of course

07:10

You

let's pray there won't be a next year

07:11

Hammersmith

jesus why do you hate jeff all of a sudden?

07:12

You

i've always hated jeff

07:13

consistency is important

07:13

Carmichael

that sounds like something olivia told you

07:15

You

obviously

07:15

she's usually right

07:16

Carmichael

you might have missed it bc you were too busy crying over the cup @Hammy but jeff took brian's 'tell us how you really feel' literally

07:18

You

fucking jeff

07:18

Hammersmith

so i'm guessing his shitty mood these last months wasn't some personal issue?

07:19

Carmichael

oh no it was

07:20

it was the personal issue of being an overturned trashcan of a person

07:20

You

he also had some Feelings about cap's sex life

07:22

Carmichael

which, you know, fair

07:22

Hammersmith

sorry what?!?

07:23

Carmichael

everyone has Feelings about cap's sex life

07:23

Hammersmith

i don't????

07:24

Carmichael

so you weren't complaining to anyone who'd listen that if rozy's jane lived in boston he would be the first to dropkick the playoff sex ban off a cliff?

07:27

Hammersmith

it was our WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!!!

07:27

the sex ban is bullshit anyway i can't believe none of you bastards backed me up on that

07:29

Carmichael

like hell was i gonna challenge fate

07:30

not after we used up all our karma points to get roz back on the ice

07:31

You

also it's your own fault

07:31

who gets married during playoffs?

07:31

Hammersmith

it was the date of our first date

07:32

how was I supposed to know that we'd suddenly start making playoffs all the time after we got married?

07:33

Carmichael

so you were banking on us tanking for the rest of your career?

07:35

wow

07:35

i'm starting to see what coach meant with those "commitment issues" in the room

07:36

You

pretty sure the only issue in the room is called biphobia but okay

07:36

Hammersmith

so what I'm never supposed to sleep with my wife on my wedding anniversary ever again?

07:39

Carmichael

no one said that

07:40

you can always retire

07:40

or get traded to ottowa

07:40

you know in case you get tired of winning

07:41

Hammersmith

i know we say this a lot but i want you to know that i really mean it when i say this:

07:43

fuck you

07:43

You

also in defense of stupid superstitions: we won the cup

07:46

you can't argue with the results

07:46

Carmichael

you should buy your wife a vibrator

07:47

You

oh good idea!

07:48

i'm sure olivia could recommend a brand

07:48

apparently there's a lot of bullshit toys out there because if there's one thing businesses care about less ethical practices it is female pleasure

07:50

Hammersmith

sidestepping that last part

07:53

wtf is wrong with you guys

07:53

Carmichael

what?

07:55

just because you suffer doesn't mean your wife can't enjoy herself

07:55

and i'm sure you have one more season in you before you retire

07:57

Hammersmith

one, she's used to roadies and shit, she can take care of herself

07:59

two, stop acting like i'm at the end of my career

08:00

three, why are you more supportive of my wive's sex life than mine??

08:00

You

well

08:04

we like bri

08:04

Hammersmith

i hate this team

08:07

Connor

while we're on the topic

07:35

anything from jeff?

07:36

Carmichael

i thought we were avoiding the topic

07:39

Connor

multiple things can be true

07:42

Carmichael

not a peep

07:49

not even a fucking apology

07:50

Connor

This message has been deleted.

07:52

Carmichael

so what?

07:58

he was asking for it

08:00

and delete that

08:00

Connor

i agree

08:03

still there were lots of cameras

08:03

Carmichael

everyone was drunk

08:04

accidents happen

08:04

lets just hope we trade him

08:04

i don't need to see that shitty face and worse personality again

08:05

Connor

doesn't hurt that his stats dropped

08:10

olivia thinks his hip's still fucked

08:10

Carmichael

that he was on the power play with roz didn't help

08:14

Connor

yeah with luck coach will decide to try his luck with someone new

08:14

because somehow i doubt attempted murder has softened jeff to the team

08:15

Carmichael

This message has been deleted.

08:15

common decency is a lost cause but maybe the concussion shook loose some self-preservation

08:17

Connor

i doubt it

08:18

Carmichael

even if that's a lost cause, at least it shut stevens and his other boot-lickers up

08:19

Connor

may the duck haunt them all

08:19

Carmichael

i hate that joke

08:21

i know you know the difference between ducks and geese

08:21

Connor

so? ducks deserve some appreciation too

08:23

also why the fuck are you awake. you're not supposed to invade my free time this early

08:23

Carmichael

fuck you, i'm a delight

08:25

Connor

nightmare

08:25

the word you're looking for is nightmare

08:26

literally since you keep me from sleeping

08:26

if you wake olivia i'm throwing you under the bus so hard, your grandkids will be spitting gravel

08:26

Carmichael

with team spirit like that it's a miracle we even made it to the playoffs

08:29

and i'm keeping watch

08:30

Connor

roz okay?

08:30

Carmichael

he's fine

08:33

This message has been deleted.

08:34

i think

08:36

i left him some water and painkillers but I doubt he'll take them

08:36

russians don't get hangover etc. etc.

08:36

Connor

right. why do the reasonable when you can tragically suffer for no reason

08:37

Carmichael

rozy in a nutshell

08:39

whatever i'm still not leaving until he's conscious and i can be sure there's more blood than alcohol in his veins

08:41

Connor

i still can't believe he cried

08:46

Carmichael

i can't believe olivia matched him shot for shot

08:48

that woman is insane

08:48

Connor

don't i know it

08:49

Carmichael

how is she doing?

08:50

Connor

eh

08:51

woke up, threw up, fell asleep while i cleaned up

08:51

Carmichael

you'll make a great house husband one day

08:53

Connor

🖕

08:53

the only person i'd consider marrying is our captain

08:55

Carmichael

…i'd ask what your girlfriend has to say about that but i'm guessing the same goes for her?

08:58

Connor

you know it

08:58

Hammersmith

does this group chat have a point other than antagonizing me?

09:00

Carmichael

i thought you hate this team

09:03

Hammersmith

i do

09:03

but it's your fault i'm awake now. and i can't get up without waking bri so the least you can do is fucking entertain me

09:04

also why isn't cap in this chat?

09:05

Carmichael

because it is high time for operation marryjane

09:05

and after all the bullshit roz put us through, he's not invited

09:06

Hammersmith

marry as in MARRY???

09:08

i didn't even know you have a girlfriend @Micky wtf?!

09:08

You

wow

09:08

and here i thought the name was too obvious

09:09

Carmichael

so did i

09:09

how disappointing

09:09

Hammersmith

why didn't you bring her to the awards?

09:10

Carmichael

@Hammy i can't believe you forgot

09:12

Hammersmith

i don't remember meeting her??

09:13

shit was I that drunk?

09:13

You

yes

09:14

we did win the fucking cup

09:14

Carmichael

bears for the win 🐻🖤💛

09:15

but also

09:15

hammy you absolute dumbass

09:15

I'm not dating anyone

09:16

especially not a jane

09:16

You

not to be dramatic but i don't think i could date a jane

09:16

there is only one jane

09:17

we don't have room for another

09:17

Carmichael

also you are head over heels in love with olivia

09:19

duh

You

09:19

she's awesome

09:20

Hammersmith

i'm confused. who's marrying jane?

09:21

Carmichael

no one

09:22

that's the problem

09:22

St. Simon

…this is a lot of words before breakfast

09:25

You

you can skip most of it

09:25

@Hammy is just being dumb

09:26

Hammersmith

hey!

09:26

St. Simon

not surprised

09:28

Hammersmith

HEY

09:28

You

i think we're getting off track

09:30

again

09:31

Carmichael

yes, con, thank you for the reminder

09:31

@Hammy stop being stupid for a sec

09:32

@Everyone else listen up

09:32

i'm sure you remember cap's leaked sex tape

09:33

You

fuck tmz

09:34

St. Simon

fuck tmz

09:34

Hammersmith

fuck tmz

09:34

and you @Micky

09:35

Carmichael

and the absolute shitshow that was the last couple months

09:35

You

you mean like the daily threats from the commissioner's office?

09:36

marly knocking hull's teeth out in the middle of a public practice?

09:36

roz getting back on the ice in time to punch out four different guardians and start a new online discourse before the game was finished?

09:37

St. Simon

#PunchAHomophobe was the highlight of my month

09:37

the meme potential was glorious

09:38

You

the absolute bullshit that was media duty and the nightmare that were the paparazzi?

09:38

that green card wedding shitstorm?

09:39

Hammersmith

still can't believe cap had to get a restraining order for that weirdo

09:40

Carmichael

really? i was more surprised that this was the first time he needed one

09:41

St. Simon

huh

09:41

good point

09:42

You

the playoff run that convinced me roz wanted to kill everyone on the ice, us very much included?

09:42

St. Simon

urgh don't remind me

09:43

there is such a thing as too intense and cap clearly mistook a warning sign for a come hither look

09:44

Carmichael

yes @Con thanks for the recap

09:44

we were all there

09:45

well, except maybe Hammy

09:45

Hammersmith

why do i keep catching strays?

09:46

Carmichael

because you asked the question "who is jane" unironically

09:47

you're lucky boston isn't an island or you'd be voted off

09:47

St. Simon

wait is this about montréal jane?

09:47

Carmichael

ding, ding, ding

09:48

we have a winner

09:48

Price

what's going on?

09:48

You

oh you know, the usual

09:50

the sun is shining, the birds are singing and @Micky is scheming

09:50

Price

oh no

09:51

i don't like where this is going

09:52

Marlow

This is why you're my favorite. You have common sense

09:53

Carmichael

welcome back, sleeping grumpy

09:54

Marlow

@Micky on the other hand I could do without

09:56

Carmichael

you love me marly

09:56

Marlow

that's what i'll tell the cops when they start looking for you

09:58

You

well that escalated

09:59

St. Simon

fight fight fight

09:59

Carmichael

i'm sensing a little tension

10:00

Marlow

Yeah, you're a regular jedi master

10:01

Hammersmith

ok not that this isn't amusing but you can't just stop there

10:02

@Micky what's going on with montréal jane?

10:04

Marlow

Jane? Seriously?

10:05

We talked about this Ryan

10:05

Carmichael

weeeeeeeell

10:07

that was a long time ago

10:07

Marlow

It's been two days

10:08

Carmichael

exactly

10:08

which means the day before yesterday

10:08

which means before yesterday

10:09

I was perfectly fine with leaving things alone

10:09

You

define "perfectly fine"

10:09

Carmichael

however as con has so thoughtfully reminded us, it has been an eventful season

10:11

but we made it. we buckled down, blocked out the noise and won the fucking cup

10:12

and we all know we owe it to roz

10:12

St. Simon

couldn't have done it without him

10:12

hell, i still can't believe we made it

10:13

Carmichael

so we all owe roz

10:14

Hammersmith

…i want to agree but I'm also concerned about the context

10:16

You

you should be

10:16

Carmichael

without breaking anyone's confidence or going into details: roz might not be doing so good

10:20

Marlow

what do you mean?

10:21

Carmichael

me, con and olivia went out with him yesterday and he seemed pretty down

10:23

so we did shots

10:24

St. Simon

as one does

10:24

Carmichael

turns out he's ghosted jane since he got back to boston after that mess in february

10:27

Marlow

ah shit

10:29

so that's why he suddenly enforced the no phone rule in the locker room

10:29

Carmichael

jane apparently didn't appreciate it and confronted him after the awards

10:33

Hammersmith

wait, she was in vegas???

10:34

Carmichael

hm good question

10:34

he didn't specify

10:34

I just figured she was waiting for him at home when he got back tbh

10:35

whatever not important

10:35

what matters is they had a fight, it got ugly and now they're done

10:36

Marlow

Fuck

10:38

St. Simon

fuck

10:38

Hammersmith

fuck

10:38

Carmichael

which normally I'd just activate the usual break-up protocol but this is roz' jane we're talking about

10:40

so obviously getting over it is not an option

10:40

Price

…it's not?

10:41

You

i keep forgetting that you've only been with the team for a year

10:45

Marlow

jane is special

10:45

ilya's been hung up on her for years

10:45

not that the asshole will admit it

10:46

Carmichael

which is obviously part of the problem

10:48

You

probably didn't help that roz has always kept anything about her quiet and he's been watched like a hawk since the outing

10:48

plus he had to win the cup

10:50

Price

fuck tmz

10:50

Hammersmith

not to digress but he always wanted to win the cup?

10:51

Carmichael

yeah but this season was different

10:54

Hammersmith

because he got benched?

10:55

You

because he's the first out bisexual player, hammy

10:59

winning the cup was the only option

11:00

Hammersmith

oh

11:01

Marlow

I'd like to say it shut up the haters but that would've been too much to ask

11:02

You

still

11:05

Price

it didn't hurt though

11:05

Carmichael

exactly my point. he did what he had to and he made sacrifices to make it happen

11:05

You

like his relationship to jane

11:06

after already losing his country, his family and his nationality

11:06

St. Simon

fuck, it's really been a shitty year for him

11:08

Marlow

and we're only halfway through

11:09

Carmichael

so i think we can all agree that roz probably fucked up but he also had a lot on his plate

11:10

we all did

11:11

but now the season is over and I refuse to believe that one shitty argument is going to outweigh years of pathetic pining. we're fucking champions. we did our best when our captain was literally running for his life. like hell are we gonna stand by and watch him play the protagonist in a great russian tragedy because he has forgotten that giving up isn't an option

11:13

Price

i have a feeling i'm gonna regret being in this chat

11:15

Carmichael

gentlemen, you are here because break time is over

11:15

it's time for operation:

11:16

Price

i hate being right

11:19