Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau & Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Shane Hollander

Characters:

Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Boston Bears | Boston Raiders WAGs Ensemble (Game Changers), in honor of one person, Rachel Booker, Victor St. Simon, Ryan Carmichael, Connors (Heated Rivalry), Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Texting Fic, Texting, Good Friend Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders (Game Changers), Supportive Boston Bears | Boston Raiders (Game Changers), POV Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack, LGBTQ Ally Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, boston has a lot of clubs, gay clubs, this is known and accepted

Language:

English

Series:

Part 5 of fixer upper (the boston remix)

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-23 Words: 2,953 Chapters: 1/1

they’re talking again, everyone shut the fuck up (this was totally because of us)

Summary

HELP

FUCK SOMEONE ANYONE PLEASE
ADVICE I BEG OF YOU

Connors: JESUS CHRIST MAN I'M HERE IM HERE

Connors: IS ROZY DEAD WTF

Connors: PLEASE TELL ME HE'S NOT DEAD

no. im in the closet

CarMinion: my dude. i love that for you

CarMinion: and i support you, totally, but

CarMinion: does your girlfriend know about this

not like that

literally

i am in a janitorial closet in the hotel bar in tampa bay

Hammersmith: im almost afraid to ask why

bc they're together

hollanov

and they're like, talking

at the bar

roz is wearign the ugliest shirt ever

its bright red hawaiian print

and hollander clearly has no standards, bc he's eyefucking him anyways

in which: the boston bears do their best at Operation: Hollanov in tampa bay, janitorial closets are involved, and there is a guest appearance.

Notes

yay!

waiting on the plane to tampa

keep me entertained until i need to get on?? please??

Connors: ok good luck

FUCKING ANNOYING: hope your plane doesn't go down

Hammersmith: don't fucking jinx it CarMinion

Hammersmith: marly's our only shot at getting shane and ilya together during all stars

damn straight i am

also ooh, that one's good

Cliff Marlow has changed FUCKING ANNOYING's name to CarMinion.

my parting gift to you CarMinion

if my plane goes down ill know it was your fault

Connors: can you really say 'damn straight' if this is the gayest thing we've ever done?

St-Simon: It's not.

wdym it's not?

i feel like trying to manipulate two dudes, neither of whom is straight, into an explicitly gay relationship is the least straight thing any of us have done.

St-Simon: It's not.

CarMinion: and how do you know that?

St-Simon: …

St-Simon: I have definitive proof.

Hammersmith: vic how do you know that 🤨

St-Simon: Did you really think Rozanov and Hollander hold the NHL monopoly on being queer?

St-Simon: Half of Boston's club scene is explicitly gay clubs. Eventually I was bound to try stuff.

Connors: DAMN

St-Simon: Though I can't say I ever hooked up with a player.

St-Simon: Even though Scott Hunter is definitely gay.

no way. hunter? really?

St-Simon: Yeah. I'd bet you fifty bucks.

CarMinion: fifty says he's straight as fuck and you're wrong.

St-Simon: You're on.

hmm.

why not hook up with a player though?

St-Simon: The same reason that I learned about post-modernist sharks in formaldehyde from Connors's girlfriend instead of hanging out with you drunk raccoon people:

St-Simon: I'm around hockey players for 80% of my waking time, I didn't need to get fucked by one too.

oh fair.

Connors: don't think roz agrees with you

Hammersmith: clearly

Hammersmith: we dont hold it agaisnt him though

CarMinion: btw, i had a thought

what?

you?

a thought?

really?

somebody call the motherfucking press icarly had a thought

maybe this'll make the front page

instead of your subpar defensework

CarMinion: jesus christ you're pissy today

CarMinion: the fuck'd i do to you?

you know what you did

you checked me into the boards last practice

way harder than necessary

my shoulder still hurts

St-Simon: Baby.

don't flirt with me when i am suffering

St-Simon: No, I'm calling you a whiny child with the subpar emotional regulation of a toddler.

i liked you better when you were flirting with me

St-Simon: Sorry to break it to you but I am, in fact, married. With a child. You know this. You were literally one of the groomsmen.

i'm still a little angry you didn't make me the best man, dude

St-Simon: It made more sense to have my brother do it.

okay. do i still have dibs on godfather when the second one's born??

please??

St-Simon: Yes. You do, rest assured.

good. still not sure i've forgiven you for making brad olivia's godfather

St-Simon: Me and Grace are cycling through teammates for godfather and her million sisters as godmothers.

CarMinion: CAN I HAVE THE FUCKING STAGE YOU CONVERSATION USURPING MOTHERFUCKERS????!?!?!

jesus christ, now who's pissy

CarMinion: ME BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LISTENING

Hammersmith: we're listening carmicrobe.

CarMinion: I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU ABSOLUTE SON OF A FUCKING BITCH

Hammersmith: DON'T YOU CALL MY MOM A BITCH YOU BASTARD OR NEXT TIME WE PLAY IN MONTREAL I SWEAR TO MOTHERFUCKING GOD I WILL RIP YOUR ENTRAILS OUT AND HANG YOU FROM THE RAFTERS OF THE BELL CENTER WITH THEM

CarMinion: SUCK MY DICK ASSHOLE I MEANT YOUR DAD

Hammersmith: okay actually fair. sorry for yelling man.

CarMinion: thank you. i'm sorry for calling you a son of a bitch.

Hammersmith: no youre not

CarMinion: not really

Connors: why do you two always do this?

CarMinion: what?

Hammersmith: do what

Connors: argue really intensely and forgive each other two flat seconds later

Connors: you're like a really weird on-again off-again relationship

St-Simon: It's just how their friendship works, I think.

CarMinion: yeah what he said

Hammersmith: basically

CarMinion: anyways. back to my fucking IDEA

hit us with it

CarMinion: don't tempt me

CarMinion: but anyways

CarMinion: what if we just.

CarMinion: talk to roz about it?

HAHAHaHA

are you fucking high??

St-Simon: Please tell me you're kidding.

Hammersmith: have you got a death wish carmicheal??

oh shit he speleed your name right you know it's serious

St-Simon: *spelled

fuck you vic :)

St-Simon: You're not my type Marly.

CarMinion: i just think maybe we can resolve this with communication

you just went to your weekly therapy session didn't you

CarMinion: maybe. that has nothing to do with it, though

you know what, sure.

i'll just walk up to ILYA MOTHERFUCKING ROZANOV, and say

hey dude, youve had a rough couple of months

want my help as wingman trying to get you back into a relationship with your more than half a decade rival-with-benefits situationship that me and the guys found out about because we snooped in your phone and found your not your bf but also totally your bf's nudes?

that'll go so well.

why didn't we think of that sooner?

oh wait

i did.

and came to the correct and accurate conclusion that we would die by his star-center hands and bleed out all over the ice of our home rink

so, why do you think he's not in this groupchat.

its because they would be finding pieces of our dismembered bodies for months to come.

in fact, they would never stop finding our body parts

Connors: wow. you really are angry today

sorry

i had to wake up at 3:30 to make this flight

and forgot any sort of caffeine so now i'm extraordinarily tired

Hammersmith: Jesus Christ dude why would you do that to yourself

i'm a masochist who enjoys torturing myself

obviously i didn't think ahead!

I thought customs would take way longer

and airport coffee is shitty and I hate it and am unwilling to put that shit in my body

Connors: so anyways.

Connors: All-stars.

Connors: does anybody have any legitimate plans or like

St-Simon: Admittedly not.

in that case imma just default to the previous plan of steal phone text hotel room number

St-Simon: Fuck it, not like we have anything to lose, really.

CarMinion: true

Connors: I guess. good luck marly, but i got to go. my beautiful girlfriend is getting ready for our date

have fun man. tell Rachel hi from us

oh shit they're boarding my flight i gtg

St-Simon: Text us when you get there, I want to be certain you're not dead.

will do

fuck Tampa is humid man

my hairs gonna be all fucked and frizzy

CarMinion: dude why does it matter its All-stars week, you're gonna absolutely have the worst helmet hair of your career

fuck you its important

nicole doesn't like it when my hair's all frizzy

Connors: can't relate dude

Connors: Rachel likes my hair frizzy

Connors: says it makes me look like a hedgehog

you always look like a hedgehog

CarMinion: its the nose, right marly?

yeah, I think it's the nose Connors

Connors: fuck you

Connors: I got my nose from my mom, don't you dare

sorry man

would never want to upset the great and amazing Isabella Connors

Connors: that feels sarcastic

its not

legitimately love your mom dude

she brings enchiladas to home games

CarMinion: delicious enchiladas

St-Simon: What are we talking about?

connor's mom's enchiladas

St-Simon: Oh, those are good. I keep meaning to ask her for her recipe.

CarMinion: please like you could ever cook something as heavenly as mrs. Connors enchiladas

St-Simon: I know I can't, that's like challenging Athena to a battle of wits, but I can try, can't I?

hell yes, vic

reach for the stars of cooking

if it gets me enchiladas I'm down

Hammersmith: NEWS GUYS

Hammersmith: also I agree with vic let him try his hand at the enchiladas

Hammersmith: but also also NEWS

what is it

does it have anything to do with operation hollanov?

Hammersmith: no, sorry

Connors: boo, get it out of the chat

St-Simon: Be nice, Connors.

carmionion: fine what

Hammersmith: there's a really cute girl at this coffee shop near my place and I asked her out and she said sure so we're going out Tuesday for lunch

WHOO BRAD

Connors: yay!

St-Simon: Good job Brad. Congrats.

CarMinion: could you be more mechanical vic

St-Simon: This is how I type. It's not my fault you cannot interpret textual-based clues.

alright me and Rozy just got in a taxi to get to the hotel

St-Simon: How's he doing right now? He must know he's going to see Shane this weekend.

imma be honest he looks like he's about to be led to the gallows

the Russian angst is real

I've tried to make some casual conversation like twice? now i think

and i've gotten not a single fuck you

i chirped him a bit about humidity and his curls and he didn't even smirk

he's fucked up man

Connors: does he not know landry and Hollander broke up?

Hammersmith: prolly not remember he deleted socials.

Hammersmith: and we were all super confused cause he used to post all the time but now he's just not even on insta anymore

Hammersmith: in hindsight, probably should have been our first hint of something going wrong

I don't know how to fix it

Hammersmith: GOOD MORNING TAMPA BAY!

Hammersmith: OFFICIAL ROSTER FOR ALLSTARS HAS BEEN ANNOUCED AND WE ALREADY KNEW IT BUT ROZANOV AND HOLLANDER ARE GOING TO BE ON THE SAME DAMN TEAM.

Connors: we already fucking knew this man

CarMinion: shut up asshole.

why am i awake

its five in the morning and i dont need to be on the ice til 2

why am i awake

Hammersmith: point is its been confirmed. east vs. west baby

ok

why do i give a shit

we knew this

anyways

me and roz are gonna head down to the bar later and maybe get drunk

so don't bother me while i'm doing important matchmaking work

capsche?

St-Simon: *capische

imagine im flipping you the bird like.

times infinity

a flock of pidgeons

descending from the sky

all giving you the middle finger

St-Simon: I don't particularly enjoy that visual.

HOLY SHIT

HOLY SHIT

HOLY FUCKING SHIT
HELP ME

HELP

FUCK SOMEONE ANYONE PLEASE
ADVICE I BEG OF YOU

Connors: JESUS CHRIST MAN I'M HERE IM HERE

Connors: IS ROZY DEAD WTF

Connors: PLEASE TELL ME HE'S NOT DEAD

no. im in the closet

CarMinion: my dude. i love that for you

CarMinion: and i support you, totally, but

CarMinion: does your girlfriend know about this

not like that

literally

i am in a janitorial closet in the hotel bar in tampa bay

Hammersmith: im almost afraid to ask why

bc they're together

hollanov

and they're like, talking

at the bar

roz is wearign the ugliest shirt ever

its bright red hawaiian print

and hollander clearly has no standards, bc he's eyefucking him anyways

also hollander's lookign pretty sharp

think rose took him shopping before they broke up?

St-Simon: Alright, that's all well and good. But why are you in the closet?

because i went to the bathroom and left roz with a beer at the bar and then i came back and they were like flirting or something

oh my god rozy laughed

CarMinion: he laughed?

CarMinion: HE LAGHED?

St-Simon: OH MY GOD.

Connors: vic's textign in all capital letters and has abandoned grammar this is nt a drill

Connors: i repeat this is not a drill

he looks so happy

like legitimately happy

like smiling with his actual eyes happy

Hammersmith: finish the story why are you in the closet

Hammersmith: i need to know.

Hammersmith: i yearn for details

well last night i watched this awesome movie

hammermsith: eww no not porn details

hammermsith: best friend situationship details

Connors: why do you know that word brad

hammermsith: my niece.

it was fucking saw, man.

and then texas chainsaw massacre

i binged horror movies

hammermsith: EW BLOOD

says the hockey player

okay

so im in the closet bc i saw them together and obviously i wasn't going to interrupt

so i just hid

and this is the easiest place with a view of the bar, still,

so here i am

fuck

gimme a sec knocked over a mop

oh no

:(

oh no

its a chain reaction of mops

domino effect

why are there so many mops in this single janitorial closet

do they only have one in this hotel

or did i just stumble into the mop closet

fcuk

whatever

i have four mops leaning on me now but i can still see them

oh vaughn's going up

claps them on the shoulders,

comment, leaves.

hmm

Connors: hmm

Connors: what does hmm mean

Connors: hmm?

it means they're leaving, and im playing jenga with these mops so i cna follow them

gimme a secgotta put my phone away if im gonna do this without stabbing msyelf

CarMinion: the ends of mops? are blunt? though?

hammermsith: give the guy some credit, cardi

hammermsith: marly could work out a way to stab himself with a blender if left alone for long enough

Connors: jahsiurhpqiuelefjn

St-Simon: Are you okay?

Connors: Hello, this is Rachel, connor's girlfriend. i've taken his phone and have read back and am now invested. please add me to this chat

Connors: no dont do that.

Connors: i have my phone back ignore that

i mean

what do you want me to do, Connors

disrespect your girlfriend's wishes like that?

Connors: the only time i willl ever sya yes in answer to that question

hmm

nah

Cliff Marlow has added Rachel Booker to WHO THE FUCK DID IT?

Rachel: HI

hi Rachel

i have disentangled myself from the mops, you'l be happy to know

Rachel: i had unwavering faith

Connors: i would like to preface what i am about to do with this, Rachel:

Connors: i love you. you are amazign and the best person i know

CarMinion: what am i chopped liver

Hammersmith: yes

CarMinion: fuck you

Rachel: YOU SON OF A BITCH GIVE ME BACK MY BLANKET

Connors: ITS NOT EVEN TECHNICLALY YOURS I BOUGHT IT

Connors: FOR MYSELF

Connors: AND YOU ANNEXED IT LIKE AUSTRIA HUNGARY DID BOSNIA

Connors: YOU'RE A DICTATOR OF BLANKETS

Rachel: because i'm cold

valid.

Connors, give the woman her blanket.

i as the creator of this chat and therefore its god have decided this was a legitimate annexation

and Rachel should get custody of the blanket

St-Simon: So you can spell "legitimate annexation" correctly but cannot be bothered to spell the word "fuck" properly eighty percent of the time.

i resent that

Hammersmith: me too

i only spell it wrong about sixty five percent of the time

Rachel: connor will not be rejoining you, i'm sitting on him to stop him from stealing my blanket again

Rachel: i will be your replacement

CarMinion: works for me

CarMinion: i have a question though

Rachel: ?

CarMinion: why are you sitting on top of him, wouldn't that put the balnket in his reach

Rachel: we're sharing

Rachel: i just threw his phone across the room by accident in a bid to get my blanket back and now i'm not letting him leave becasue he runs warm and is like a human heater

St-Simon: By the way did you like the tea? Connor made it under my instructions, and if you liked it I would like credit where credit is due.

St-Simon: If you didn't like it, then it was all him, entirely, and I am in now way responsible for it.

Rachel: loved it.

Rachel: i even let connor back into bed afterwards

Rache : admittedly it was also cause he looked sad standing in the doorway in nothing but boxers, but whatever

hey

guys

task at hand

hollanov

Rachel: hell yes my show is on

St-Simon: Did you already know about this?

Rachel: yeah. went through connor's phone like weeks ago. found out and then he kept me updated

damn

ordinarily I'd give you like the shovel talk

don't judge them don't say their gay and all that shit

St-Simon: *they're

anyways

but

Rachel: connor gave me the rundown, dw i wont blab

good

rozy's in the pool now and hollander is watching

VERY APPRECIATIVELY

so we have bigger fish to fry

and rozy got out and like shook his head like a puppy and got water on hollander and then asked him for money and hollander said yeah i think it worked

we're awesome guys.

we're so fucking awesome

operation hollanov has been a success

Hammersmith: WHOOOOOOOOO NO MORE DEMON ROZANOV

Connors: WHOOOO NO MORE EARLY MORNING BAG SKATES

Rachel: WHOOO I GET MY BOYFRIEND BACK BEFORE 9 AT NIGHT

CarMinion: WHOOOOOO NO MORE SAD RUSSIAN BOY

WHOOOOOOOO

carnitas you get name priviledges in celebration!

Cliff Marlow has changed CarMinion's name to Carmicheal.

CarMicheal: you spelled it wrong

CarMicheal: ae not ea

Cliff Marlow has changed Carmicheal's name to Carmichael.

sorry man

Carmicheal: we're good.

CarMinion: wait guys we didn't actually do anything

quite frankly, who gives a shit.

They're fucking in the next room over from mine and i can hear everything.

they're back together

jesus christ thank god its over

Rachel: kinda sad I only got here at last minute TBH

Rachel: i only got to comment on the resolution

dont be

Connors: ehh, you read through everything as it happened.

Rachel: this is true

Rachel: this is true

Hammersmith: hey we don't need this chat anymore do we

im not going to delete it

old times sake or some shit

St-Simon: Besides, we might need it again.

oh god i hope not.