Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Original Characters, Ilya Rozanov (mentioned only)

Additional Tags:

Alternate Universe, Internal Monologue, LGBT Helpline, Phone Calls & Telephones, Canon-Typical Angst, Internalized Homophobia, POV Shane Hollander, POV Outsider, Coming Out, Anxious Shane Hollander, Shane coming to terms with his sexuality and feelings, Essentially a condensed rewrite of Heated Rivalry through what Shane chooses to focus on and divulge

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-05-22 Updated: 2026-09-22 Words: 11,274 Chapters: 8/16

Thank You for Calling, How Can I Help?

Summary

"I'm not gay."

"Okay you're not gay. But something made you call a gay helpline. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I found this number on a poster in some bar, I don't… I can't tell anyone else about this. I need to tell someone…"

"You can tell me."

Or; Shane needs someone to confide in about Ilya so he calls a Montreal based LGBT helpline to talk things through anonymously. And then he keeps calling, through every anxious thought and major milestone, someone else is on the other end of the line listening and advising.

Notes

I have had this concept in my drafts for months but I had no idea how I wanted to format it until I was struck with inspiration at 10pm last night while I was brushing my teeth before bed.

The concept was inspired by 'Thank You for Calling the Lesbian Line' by Elizabeth Lovatt which explores the log book of a London based Lesbian helpline. The book features fictionalised versions of the logs, which have in turn inspired the fictional logs in this fic.

I am in no way claiming that this is even remotely accurate to how these kind of helplines operate, and I don't honestly intend it to be. The book was the conceptual inspiration but the story I wanted to tell required a lot of creative license and any interactions are entirely made up from my own brain.

Chapter 1: September 2010

Shane paced his new apartment, chewing his lip as his finger hovered over the call button.

The team had dragged him and the other new rookies out to some bar for some 'pre-season bonding' and his eyes had landed on the small nondescript card tacked onto the overcrowded noticeboard he was scanning while he was waiting for the bathroom to be free. It claimed to be a helpline for… well it didn't matter what for. He had noted down the number but he had no intention of calling it.

That had been over a month ago and his… encounter… with Rozanov in Toronto had only been a few weeks prior. But Montreal played Boston in a week and Shane would be forced to see Rozanov for the first time since, and the thought of that was eating him alive.

Shane pressed the call button before he lost his nerve.

The woman on the other end of the line gave some introductory spiel but Shane barely registered it. His head was spinning and he felt sick.

"I'm not gay." He blurted out.

It wasn't what he had intended to say. Shane had a whole script rehearsed for how this conversation would go and he had blown it in the first thirty seconds. Fuck. Well no going back now. He could put the phone down but he'd made it this far.

The operator paused as if to let him continue or elaborate but Shane was still too full of adrenaline to string a sentence together.

"Okay you're not gay. But something made you call a gay helpline. Do you want to talk about it?" She prompted gently.

Did Shane want to talk about it? That was why he had called wasn't it? But now there was someone on the other end of the line Shane was beginning to doubt his plan. If he told someone else about what had happened that night in Toronto that would make it real. No more bottling it up and ignoring it. But then on the other hand a small part of him, probably the same part that had written down the number for the helpline, wanted it to be real.

"I found this number on a poster in some bar, I don't… I can't tell anyone else about this. I need to tell someone…" Shane found himself saying.

"You can tell me." The operator told him, and Shane found her voice oddly calming.

"It happened a couple of months ago. There was a… thing I had to do for work. This other guy was there, I didn't know he was going to be there. We're colleagues I guess but we're not on the same team…"

Shit. The last thing Shane needed to do was to give away too much information about this and accidentally let slip who he was. He would need to be more careful about how he talked about certain parts of his life, especially his career.

"Anyway he spent most of the event trying to get under my skin, I guess in hindsight he might have been trying to hit on me? Well at some point we were alone together and he came on to me, one thing lead to another and we hooked up. Nothing major just like making out and getting each other off."

There, that was nondescript enough while covering all of the relevant details.

"We're going to be seeing each other soon, the first time since it happened, and I'm so scared my… teammates will figure out what we did."

Shane took a deep breath. Well it was out there. Someone else besides him and Rozanov knew what they had done in that hotel room. He felt oddly better about the whole thing, like a weight had been lifted. Not enough to stop weighing him down but enough to let him redistribute the load to hold more comfortably.

"That does sound scary. Coming out can be really hard and being afraid of being outed is perfectly reasonable, especially if you have reason to think your teammates might react badly."

"It's not that, or it's not just that. I meant what I said. I'm not gay, I can't be gay. If anyone found about what we did, if they thought I was gay I would lose my job I know I would." Shane explained.

Shane had been in locker rooms long enough to know that gay was the worst thing a hockey player could be. Worse than being quiet or weird, worse than being a loner, worse than being Asian. All of those things Shane could handle being, and his teammates could understand if not accept, but being gay? Even without all those other things he would be ostracised, with them? Shane could kiss his professional career goodbye before he'd even seen time on the ice.

"Your employers couldn't fire you for that, there are laws here to prevent them from firing you because you are, or because they suspect you are, gay." The operator tried to explain. She didn't get it.

"It doesn't matter, they'd find a way to fire me that wasn't because of that. And I can't let them. I haven't even had a chance to prove myself yet." This was a mistake. Shane never should have called.

"Well if it ever seems like they're going to try you call us back and we can get you resources to fight-"

He hung up. There wasn't a resource in the world that could stand up against one of the most powerful athletic organisations in the country and even if there was then what would he be? The gay rookie who sued the league for firing him because he was gay? It was safer simply not to be gay. When he and Rozanov faced off in two weeks Shane would be professional and in time he would forget all about what happened in Toronto

Call Notes

The caller sounded young, and male. I was half tempted to put the phone down when he said he wasn't gay, but something gave me pause. I've dealt with plenty of prank callers but this didn't sound like one of them. He sounded scared and upset. I got the impression he was censoring himself in real time and let on more about his life than he was planning to. Something about the way he described his job is bothering me but I can't place my finger on it? My best guess is something corporate with the way he kept talking about 'teams' and 'work events'. He's young to be in that world though, didn't even sound old enough to have graduated college, but you never know maybe he's just got a young voice.

The poor kid is definitely in denial about that hook-up. I had to stop myself from pointing out that everything he was describing seemed pretty major. He was like a deer in the headlights and I didn't want to spook him.

I wish he had stayed on the line so I could give him more information. This idea he's got into his head that his employers would fire him for being gay or make up an excuse to fire him anyway is troubling. I hope he calls back he seems so lost.

Chapter 2: January 2011

Chapter Summary

Shane calls the helpline after All-Stars 2011

Chapter Notes

Thank you so much for the comments and love left on the last chapter. I really wasn't sure if people would be down with the concept but it was something I wanted to write anyway because it hooked me but seeing that other people were excited by it too has motivated me to keep going much quicker than I usually manage to write chapters (having an actual plot to follow doesn't hurt either)

Shane had sworn that after the last time he wouldn't call the helpline again. He had even deleted the number from his phone. So now he was digging back through his call logs to find the outgoing call. He didn't have to scroll very far, it wasn't like Shane called a lot of people, and this was the only unsaved number. He hit the button and waited for the call to connect.

"Thank you for calling the Gay Lesbian Alliance Montreal helpline, my name is Ellen. What should I call you?" The friendly voice greeted him.

Shit. They hadn't asked him for a name last time had they? Maybe they had and Shane just hadn't heard. He couldn't give them his real name, he was already scared someone might recognise his voice from interviews but hopefully the kind of people who worked at a gay helpline didn't watch hockey.

He wracked his brain trying to think of an alias when he remembered the Jonas Brothers posters his high school girlfriend used to have in her bedroom. Shane spent a lot of time staring at those posters.

"Uhhh Nick?" He offered.

He had taken way too long to think and he clearly wasn't sure of what was supposed to be his own name but to her credit Ellen didn't comment.

"Hi Nick, how can I help?" She asked.

"Umm I called before back in the Fall. I uh hooked up with this guy I work with at a work event." He really didn't want to rehash that call but the context was necessary.

"Back in September right? You were worried about your colleagues finding out?"

"Right…" Oh god how did she know? Shane thought that the calls were supposed to be anonymous but what if all the operators talked about them? What if she knew who he was?

"I remember, I took that call."

Shane breathed a sigh of relief. He wouldn't have to explain himself all over again, and he didn't have to worry about other people knowing his business.

"So there was this work trip… conference I guess… different guys uh people from different teams and cities all chatting and working together and whatever. Ro- Lily was there, we hooked up, again…"

"Lily?" The woman sounded confused.

Right Shane should probably explain. "We saved each other's numbers under women's names in our phones so if anyone looks they would think we're texting a woman. His is Lily and mine is… actually it doesn't matter what mine is."

"I see." She didn't see. Shane could tell from her tone that she didn't understand why this layer of obfuscation was necessary.

"My teammates aren't above snooping in each other's phones and ribbing each other about what they find. If they found out I was texting a man about sex stuff, especially that man… well there's no way that would end well."

"Invading each other's privacy like that is not okay. If this is happening at work or work organised events you should definitely speak to your company's HR department about that."

Shane laughed. He knew she was trying to help him but she really knew nothing about the world of professional men's sports. Not that she knew that was the field in which he worked, by Shane's own omissions, so he would offer her the benefit of the doubt.

Shane guessed that his reaction to that comment had been enough for her to drop it because she swiftly changed the subject back to the reason he had called in the first place.

"So you and… Lily… hooked up at this conference?"

"Yeah." Shane nodded even though it occurred to him that she couldn't see him.

"How was it?"

Memories of 1221 flooded back to him even as he cringed at Ellen's question.

"Um it was good. I'd forgotten how good."

Yeah good. Good was neutral. Good was good. Good didn't even begin to cover it.

"Have you been with anyone since the last time you were with Lily?"

Shane tried to remember the last time he had been with someone. It was probably Toronto? That was their last road trip stop in Canada and that was before Christmas. He didn't go out with the team in the States because he was still underage across the boarder. Some of the team went anyway but Hayden was always willing to stay in with him and keep him company and the older guys understood he didn't want to risk a fake ID.

"Sure. A few people. I travel a lot for work, meet a lot of girls on the road. It's never anything special."

"And with Lily it is? Special?"

"No. I don't know. It's different. Its good." The words were out of Shane's mouth before he had time to register what he was saying.

"And is it always girls? When you're on the road?"

Shane could tell from her tone that she was trying to push him to a conclusion he didn't want to reach.

"Of course. I'm with my team. They would say something, or think it if they thought I hooked up with a guy."

To say nothing of whoever he slept with bragging about bagging Shane Hollander. His mom had already made him aware of certain online forums where people talked about having sex with hockey players that had posts about him. Shane could only imagine how much worse it would be if men started posting about him…

"But weren't your team at this conference with you?"

"It's different."

"How?"

Shane couldn't explain how, even to himself and he had all the context, it just was.

"Look I know what you're going to say okay? You're going to say I'm gay because I like hooking up with Lily more than the girls, but I told you I'm not gay. Those girls are strangers. I know Lily, that's why it's better with him."

Shane considered hanging up before she could tell him that wanting to have sex with men made him gay. His thumb hovered over the button but he couldn't bring himself to hang up on her again. Not after last time. Not when she was only trying to help.

"That makes sense. Lily is familiar so it's comforting with him, more comfortable."

That wasn't exactly how Shane would describe sex with Rozanov, or why he enjoyed it so much, but yeah sure it was as good and believable an explanation as any he could invent.

"We have plans to see each other in a couple of weeks when he'll be in town. He wants to have sex for the first time."

"Haven't you already had sex? I thought you'd hooked up twice now?" Ellen asked, confusion evident in her voice.

"I mean yeah but that was just hooking up, this is sex."

"Right?" She still sounded confused, but Shane wasn't going to explain the difference to her. He was mortified enough just thinking about it.

"He wants to come to my place too. I know it's not a big deal it's not like it's a date but still it feels like a lot all at once."

"You know you don't have to do anything you don't want to do right?"

Of course he did. It would be so much easier if he didn't want this, if the thought of Rozanov in his apartment, in his bed didn't turn him on.

"No I know. I want to, I'm just saying it's a lot. Look it's getting late and I have to be up early for work in the morning I should go. Thank you. Bye."

Shane hung up before she had a chance to respond. It was still rude of him but at least he hadn't hung up on her mid sentence this time. He hadn't realised until he spoke the words out loud how much he wanted this thing with Rozanov. He felt like he finally understood why his elementary school teachers had advocated talking out your feelings, this shit really did work.

Call Logs

So the kid from September has a name, well he gave me a name, Nick. He didn't sound certain about it, it's probably made-up but it doesn't matter. A nickname, huh I wonder if that's how he came up with it? Whatever, it's better than referring to him as 'scared closeted kid' which doesn't really distinguish him from any of the other callers.

He's still adamant that he's not gay, I have my doubts but hey bisexuality is a thing so maybe he really isn't. I can't get over the whole calling this guy 'Lily' thing though. I can't decide if it's genius or heartbreaking or both. It feels odd using a woman's name for him but I suppose I know plenty of women who have male sounding names so who am I to judge?

I wonder if he'll call back again? I get the sense that there isn't anyone in his life that he can talk to about this. I'm glad he knows that if he does need to talk though someone will be here to listen. I hope he does call back, I want to help him.

February 2011

Chapter End Notes

Some questions I am anticipating getting after this chapter and some answers:

Q: Why is the helpline called Gay and Lesbian Alliance Montreal? What about trans and bisexual and any other identities that aren't covered by gay or lesbian?
A: I wanted the acronym to spell GLAM. This is still very early 2010s, I have a mind to change the name later down the line as we get further into the timeline. If anyone has any good suggestions for what this name change should be let me know in the comments and I will consider it.

Q: Why does Ellen say that? Why is she like that?
A: She is a volunteer not a licensed therapist. She is kind and well meaning but she will say the wrong thing or put her foot in it. The volunteers get minimal training and mostly have to figure out how to go their job while doing it. She is also overly invested in 'Nick's life and relationship, mostly because she genuinely wants to help him, but a little bit because she's a gossip.

Q: Are the calls actually anonymous?
A: Sort of, as far as the callers know yes, but the transcripts and logs are available to the other volunteers for training and accountability purposes to make sure that the volunteers and callers are all safe. However, it is unlikely that the logs or transcripts are getting read unless a valid concern is raised.

Q: Shane doesn't consider what he and Ilya have done in Toronto and Nashville to be sex?
A: No. I do not think that a deeply closeted Shane Hollander in 2010/11 who is staunchly in denial about his attraction to men or the fact that he likes sucking Ilya's dick would consider anything other than penetrative sex to be sex. I'm not wholly convinced that 2021 out as gay and married to a man Shane Hollander would either tbh

Chapter 3: June 2011

Chapter Summary

MLH Awards 2011

Chapter Notes

Powering through a heatwave to bring you this chapter (it was already written I just had to work up the energy to post but that has taken approximately 10 hours) because I set myself an arbitrary upload schedule and my stubborn ass is determined to stick to it.

I am picking and choosing between book and show canon depending on which I like better for certain scenes

Shane's head was spinning and the shots that Scott Hunter of all people had convinced him to drink weren't helping the situation. He lay on the bed of his Vegas hotel room staring at the ceiling going over the night's events in his head. Winning Rookie of the Year would go down as a career highlight, getting recognised and included by veteran players he had grown up idolising was like a dream. But there was one player he wanted to notice him who wasn't there at all, because he had been on the roof sulking.

Shane couldn't figure out why it was that he couldn't stop thinking about it. It was a relatively tame encounter all things considered. All they had done was kiss, and sure it was hot, and risky which really only made it hotter, but it hadn't escalated to anything else. It wasn't like they hadn't kissed before, but it was never just kissing, kissing was always the precursor to something else. That Shane understood, but Rozanov had left him alone on the roof with no invitation and Shane hadn't followed. It wasn't like it was a good idea to be spotted together here anyway, who knew who might be staying close by, listening in.

Shane reached for his phone and found the GLAM contact on instinct more than out of any conscious decision. It had been a weird night and he felt a sudden need to talk about it. His parents were down the hall but it wasn't like he could tell them about the Rozanov of it all. He could hear the ringing sound through his phone speaker before he had even registered the choice to call.

"Thank you for calling the Gay Lesbian Alliance Montreal helpline, my name is Ellen. What should I call you?"

Shane breathed a sigh of relief at his luck. He wasn't great with voices but he knew the woman he had spoken to in the past was called Ellen. He had asked for her once before but she hadn't been available. He didn't want to explain everything to anyone else, she already knew his story, the parts of it he had chosen to share at least.

"Um, it's Nick…" He answered, hoping she would recognise him too.

"Nick! It's good to hear from you, I was hoping you would call back." She sounded genuinely happy to speak to him which soothed Shane's nerves, he didn't like to think that she was only talking to him out of obligation, even though that was literally her job.

"I tried calling before a few months ago but you weren't there." He confessed.

"I know, Josie left me a message. You can always speak to someone else if I'm not on shift you know? You can ask for me by name if you want, but I promise everyone here is very kind and willing to listen or help with whatever you need."

"I know… I just… I don't know them, or I guess they don't know me? I don't want to rehash everything with Lily with someone new every time I want to talk. This is better, you already know everything."

"I get that. Look I'm not supposed to do this but I can tell you when I'm usually on shift if you want? That way if you need to talk you know when to call?"

Shane was touched, she didn't have to do that.

"I don't want to get you in trouble…"

"I won't, we're not supposed to share details like that but as long as I'm not giving you my personal cell number it shouldn't be a problem."

"Okay… if you're sure then yes… please?"

"I'm usually in Monday evenings, Wednesday afternoons, Friday evenings, and Saturday nights. If you call during those times and ask for me they'll connect you as long as I'm not on with another caller."

Shane didn't know what to say. Well he knew what he should say but 'thank you' didn't even begin to express the gratitude he felt for her kindness.

"Thank you, you don't know how much that means to me."

"Don't mention it honey. Now what there a reason you called? How did it go with Lily? Did he come over in the end?"

Oh right. Shane had almost forgotten she knew about that, that it was the reason for his missed call in February.

"No. His flight got grounded because of the snow. We um, we didn't get to see each other alone until tonight. It was the company end of year party, we shut down for the summer so there's always a big celebration to acknowledge everyone's hard work over the year. There's prizes and stuff, it's kind of stupid."

Shane cursed himself for mentioning the awards. He hoped to god she wasn't a hockey fan. Why did he have to call tonight? If he'd waited a few days and mentioned the party it wouldn't be so obvious but if she was even a casual fan who knew the MLH awards were tonight he was busted. She might not figure out exactly who he was but a rookie from Montreal would narrow it down pretty close.

"That sounds fun!"

"I guess, yeah it kind of was fun."

It was okay to admit he had enjoyed the night. If Ellen had figured out who he was she wasn't mentioning it and for that Shane was grateful, but he was on his guard now.

"I don't think Lily would agree. He didn't win any of the prizes and I think he was kind of bummed out about it. I found him brooding away from the party… he got all mad at me and then started kissing me about it. It was…"

Weird? Hot? Nice?

"Good."

Ellen didn't fill the silence like she usually did. It was one of the reasons Shane liked talking to her, she would nudge him towards the right conclusions before he was necessarily willing to go there himself.

"I thought maybe we would do more but… he just kissed me and left. Probably went to find someone else to hook up with." Shane grumbled bitterly.

He wasn't sure why he was so upset, it's not like they were exclusive, they weren't even dating. Rozanov was perfectly entitled to have casual sex with whoever he wanted, so was Shane. The fact that sometimes Rozanov chose to have casual sex with Shane didn't make him special, and if he chose not to hook up at the awards even though they hadn't been together since All-Stars that didn't mean anything either.

"Does it upset you that Lily might have gone to hook up with someone else?"

Oh now Ellen chooses to chime in?

"No. Not really. It's for the best anyway, too risky to do it here, too risky to do it at all… He's going home for the summer back to R- back to his home country, I'm going to use the break to get over this thing we had. It was dumb and reckless and I need to take this job seriously."

"If it's what you think is best, but in my experience getting over someone is not so easy as deciding to do it. These things take time, matters of the heart are complicated."

"Well it's not like I have feelings for him so my heart won't be involved, I'll be fine."

"Okay, well I wish you luck in your endeavour. We have some resources here at the centre I can send you by post or email if you're interested?"

"No, thank you. I should get going and get some sleep. Thanks for listening Ellen."

"You're welcome Nick, call back any time."

"I will."

Shane put his phone down, happy in his resolve to stop this thing with Rozanov. Next season would be different, they would maintain their rivalry and if Rozanov tried to hit him up for sex then Shane would politely reject him.

If Shane fell asleep that night replaying the memory of their rooftop kiss then that was nobody's business but his.

Nick called again. He was happy when he realised it was me. He said he'd tried to call a few months ago but I wasn't on shift and he didn't want to talk to anyone else. I told him my regular days, I know it's not protocol but this kid clearly needs someone to talk to and if he's not comfortable talking to anyone else then where does that leave him?

Nick didn't deny that he was gay this time. I mean he didn't really talk about it at all but not denying it seems like a positive first step. I'm doubtful about his plan to get over Lily, I know he says his heart isn't involved but he's called three times over the course of the year to talk about the same man so…

I'm sorry they didn't get to have their sex date in the winter. I know Nick claims that whatever it is between them doesn't mean anything but I find myself rooting for them, I want things to work out between them.

I don't imagine Nick will call back over the summer if Lily's not in the country (that was an interesting fact) but maybe when work starts up again in September? (I am endlessly curious about where they work, what kind of company closes down for the summer?) I hope he does call back, I like to know how he's doing.

Chapter 4: December 2013

Chapter Summary

Ilya visited Shane's apartment for the first time.

Chapter Notes

This is one of the instances where I'm picking and choosing between book and show canon. I've decided to go with show canon but book timeline. In the show Shane and Ilya meet up in 'Fall 2013' but in the book its December so we're going with December for the logs.

Shane was not freaking out. Rozanov had come to his apartment after their game on Wednesday and Shane was feeling completely fine about it. He wasn't thinking about the way Rozanov teased him about his plans to renovate his apartment, something that should have pissed him off but somehow didn't. He wasn't thinking about how sex with Rozanov, getting fucked by him, was unlike any sexual act he had ever experienced. He certainly wasn't dwelling on the way they had kissed in the stairwell before Rozanov had to go back to his hotel. And Shane was definitely not thinking about the open tab on his laptop of the Metro's 2013/14 schedule which he had studied trying to figure out when they could do this again.

Shane had attended practice the next morning and managed to act like a functioning member of society. He had even gone Christmas shopping with Hayden after practice and helped him pick out a gift for Jackie. He was doing fine. He didn't need to unpack any of it.

It had been two and a half years since he had last called the GLAM helpline. Ellen had been right, getting over Rozanov wasn't as easy as just making the decision to, but they hadn't hooked up since All-Stars 2011 and Shane was proud of his resolve. When Rozanov chirped at him Shane chirped back, but if Rozanov's intentions drifted towards sexual Shane shut them down. That hadn't stopped Rozanov from trying. He was engaging in siege warfare and no city was impenetrable, even Troy had fallen eventually, Shane was only human of course he had given in.

As he dialled number for the helpline, one he had transferred to two new phones despite not calling it, he hoped that Ellen's volunteer hours were still the same. He had deliberately waited until tonight to get the best chance of being able to speak to her.

"Good evening, thank you for calling the Gay Lesbian Alliance Montreal helpline, I'm William. How can I help?"

A male voice answered. Not Ellen. Damn.

"Is Ellen there today? If she’s not could you tell me when she’s next going to be on shift?" Shane asked. He knew they weren't supposed to give out shift information, but Ellen had previously given him her shift hours for this very purpose so he was sure she wouldn't mind.

"Ellen doesn’t work here anymore sorry."

Shit.

"Oh, I was hoping to talk to her."

Shane was about to put the phone down but William cut in.

"Sorry if I’m off base here but you aren’t Nick are you?"

How did he know? Shane had barely remembered his invented alias, how could this stranger know who he was.

"She told you about me?" He guessed.

Shane wasn't sure how he felt about that. Ellen had talked him through the Rozanov stuff and Shane had got better about opening up about it, but he didn't think he wanted anyone else to know about it. That shit was private.

"Oh, no not really, she just asked if we’d keep an ear out for you. She always hoped you’d call back I think she had a soft spot for you. She wanted to help you, make sure you were okay you know?"

William's words were reassuring. Shane felt more comfortable knowing that his business was still his own. A thought occurred to him.

"Is she okay? Ellen? You said she doesn't work there anymore, why did she leave?"

"Oh uh yeah she's okay. Doing real well last I heard. Her wife got a new job in Vancouver so they both moved out there about six months ago. She sent us all a Christmas card the other day, hold on let me see if I can find it."

Shane heard the sound of papers being moved about and a chair scraping back as William presumably went in search of the aforementioned card.

"Got it. It was pinned to the notice board, conveniently." His voice returned a minute or so later.

"Hi everyone." He began to read. "Happy holidays from Vancouver! I'm finally beginning to feel settled, there's only a few boxes left to unpack now (we've been putting them off) but we should be properly moved in by the time my mom visits for Christmas. Our new canine companion Hermes has been helping us unpack (see: sniffing in boxes, getting underfoot, and generally being adorable). Nina's been getting on well at the gallery, and I'm looking forward to starting my new job at the library in the new year. Hope you're all staying warm (I can't get over the difference in temperature out here, it's only dipped below freezing a couple of times, practically tropical). Lots of love, Ellen."

"Sounds like she's doing really well." Shane was glad, even if he was disappointed she wasn't there to help him anymore.

"Yeah. I think so. Look I can't give you her details or anything, but I can pass on a message if you want? I'm sure she'd love to hear from you."

Oh. That would be nice. Shane didn't know that the last time he spoke to her would be the last. He should have thanked her more.

"Can you tell her thank you for everything she did? That was a crazy year for me, I mean every year is crazy for me, but that year it was all so new. She helped so much, just being there made the complicated bits less complicated, or no not less complicated but easier to deal with."

He wasn't sure if he could have managed the Rozanov thing without her.

"Of course. I'll pass that along."

"Thank you for everything you've done too. For talking to me. I needed that."

"It's what I'm here for."

"I know, but, thank you."

Shane hung up. It only occurred to him afterwards that he hadn't even talked about Rozanov or sex, or any of the things he had wanted to talk about in the first place, but he honestly wasn't bothered. If it had been Ellen on the other end of that line she would have coaxed Shane into talking, and he would have done so perhaps a little awkwardly, and it would have helped. But William had helped too, just to talk to someone without the baggage of being 'Shane Hollander'. Someone who knew about the fact that he was attracted to men and didn't comment on it, not because it was bad or a secret, but because to William it was just a normal thing not worth dwelling on.

That was a revelation in and of itself, Shane was attracted to men and he didn't mind people knowing, he liked that some people knew… when had that happened? He hadn't needed Ellen to carefully help him realise that one, maybe he could do this by himself? Probably not though. He decided not to delete the GLAM contact from his phone and resolved that the next time he called, and there would be a next time he realised, Shane would talk to whoever answered the phone.

Call Logs

You will never guess who called today? I answered the phone with my usual spiel, hello I'm William thank you for calling how can I help etc and the caller interrupts me to ask if Ellen is working. I told him no, that she moved on. I took a gamble. I asked him if he was Nick, Ellen always reckoned he'd call back. I have to say I had my doubts but what do you know it was him! In the flesh, or sound-waves?

We got chatting about Ellen, he wanted to know how she was doing so I told him what I knew, kept it vague enough for her privacy of course, I just said that Nina was working at a gallery and Ellen is starting at a library. I don't imagine he'd go looking for them but it'd take him a long while to track them down if he did.

Anyway he thanked me for chatting with him and hung up. I wonder if he realised that he never actually talked about whatever it was he called about? I mean maybe he did just want to chat with Ellen but probably not right? It's been what like two or three years since the last time he called why would he just want to catch up now? Plus before he only ever called when he was in the middle of some gay crisis right?

I see why Ellen got attached to him and his problems. There's just something about him, I can't explain it but I want him to be okay.

Chapter End Notes

I just want to apologise to everyone about Ellen. It was always the plan to have Ellen move on from the helpline between the last chapter and this one. I wanted to have a consistent volunteer in the beginning so that Shane feels comfortable opening up, but for later chapters I want to bring in different volunteers with whom he has different relationships and who have different styles of helping him.

My original plan for this chapter was to have Shane talk with William about Ilya and how that night went, but after seeing everyone's comments about how much they liked Ellen I decided I needed to send her off in style and have Shane's introspection as an inner monologue instead of a dialogue with William. So I'm sorry about getting rid of her but I hope you'll like some of the people coming up and the different sides of Shane they bring out.

Chapter 5: February 2014

Chapter Summary

Shane gets home from the Olympics and is horrified when he gets a chance to look up why exactly Carter was praising Shane's friend for being brave enough to be gay in Russia

Chapter Notes

So I uploaded the first 4 chapters really quickly because I was having a blast writing and then I got bummed out by the concept I wanted to use for this one, stopped writing, then got too busy to continue so it has been months sorry about that :/

I do have more chapters done and partially done so I am aiming for a weekly schedule from now on fingers crossed

"Did you know that in 76 countries in the world its illegal to be gay? Did you know that in 5 of those countries gay people could face the death penalty? That's like a third of the world where just being yourself could get you thrown in prison…"

Shane asked as soon as the call connected, he didn’t even wait for the operator to get a word in. He was staring at his laptop screen in rising horror.

He heard the operator take a deep breath. "I did know that." She answered, not unkindly or condescendingly, but with a world weary sadness that Shane felt he could relate to for entirely different reasons.

"Why would he risk it?" Shane wondered aloud.

"Why would who risk what?" Asked the operator.

"Lily. Do you know about Lily or do I need to explain?"

"I've heard of Lily, I take it that makes you Nick?"

Shane realised then that he hadn't introduced himself.

"Right yes, I'm Nick. Sorry I forgot that bit."

"That's okay, you clearly have something on your mind. Why don't you tell me about it? My name is Flo by the way."

"So I just got back from an international conference in Lily's home country. Did you know Lily lives in America but isn't from there? I don't know if I've talked about that before but that's important."

Shane wondered if maybe he should start writing down the things he had told the GLAM operators so he knew exactly which parts of his life he had divulged to avoid revealing too much.

"I don't recall knowing that no." Flo said, sounding like she was thinking about it.

"Right well we went to this massive international conference not too far from where Lily grew up. People from all over the world and all sorts of companies and organisations were there."

Shane suddenly realised that 'a massive international conference in a country where being gay was illegal' was a pretty easy thing to look up if someone wanted to identify him. It was too late now, he had to just hope Flo didn't care about his identity and move on before she started questioning him on the specifics.

"We'd already agreed beforehand that it’d be a bad idea to meet up because his parents were going to be there.”

“Why would his parents be at a conference?”

Shane cursed under his breath, that was the kind of question he couldn't answer easily while maintaining the lie and was hoping to avoid.

"Uhh I mean he doesn't get to go home all that often, usually just a few weeks in the summer and he's so busy most of the year that he doesn't get to see or talk to them much so I think they came down to spend time with him."

"I see."

Shane wasn't convinced she'd bought the lie, but at least she didn't seem to be pressing him on it.

“Anyway he seemed really… sad? I don't really know how else to explain it. So I went to check up on him and he totally blew me off. I tried not to be bothered by it, I mean we agreed we weren't going to see each other and it's not like we're dating or anything so like I don't care. But then this morning I remembered something another colleague said while we were at the conference. An old friend of mine I'd grown up with was doing a presentation so I went to watch with some other colleagues, one of whom correctly clocked him as gay and made a comment about how the host country for the conference wasn't an easy one to be gay in. I didn't know what he had meant at the time, but this morning I looked it up."

"Which is how you found out that homosexuality is a crime in 76 countries?" Flo asked.

"Right. I mean I know being gay is not easy, and I know that even in places like America and England gay people can't get married but still. I didn't think it would be illegal in so many places…"

"It shouldn't be." Flo said quietly.

"I just don't understand why Lily would risk hooking up with me with everything on the line if we get caught. I mean I'm scared enough about losing my job if this gets out, and don't tell me Canada has discrimination laws against that, I know okay it's not that simple, but for Lily if he loses his job he could get deported. And if he's deported and they know he's been hooking up with men I- I don't want to think about what might happen to him back home then. Why would he risk it?"

Shane had been asking himself the same question over and over in his head since he'd started his research. Why would Rozanov risk it? How could this possibly be worth it?

"I can't speak for Lily but for me it was because ignoring that part of myself, or pretending it didn't exist was worse." Flo explained.

“But he’s not even gay. He's been with plenty of women I mean like loads. He could exclusively date and have sex with women and he would be so much safer and it wouldn’t even be like he was pretending."

"Maybe not, I tried that too in high school once. I dated this really sweet boy, I liked him a lot, but I was still miserable because I was hung up on this girl in my chem class. It wouldn't have worked out, she was straight, and Brian was great, but dating him just felt like a consolation prize."

"Lily's not… I mean we're not… it's just sex…" Shane said, hoping Flo hadn't got the wrong idea about his and Rozanov's… arrangement.

"Right, sorry I didn't mean to suggest… I did say I couldn't speak for Lily. Maybe you should ask him?"

"Yeah right." Shane scoffed.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you more Nick but I just can't guess at the intentions of a man I don't know. I suppose he can't be too worried about his safety or he wouldn't be with you? If that's any comfort?"

If anything that was worse. Rozanov wasn't just risking his safety, he was risking it for Shane. It would be safer for Rozanov, safer for both of them if Shane broke this thing off and refused to let Rozanov risk everything for stolen moments in hotel rooms with Shane a few times a season, but fuck if that was the last thing Shane wanted to do.

"I- thank you. I should go now." Shane said. He had too much to think about and he was pretty sure that staying on the line was only going to make that feeling worse.

"Take care Nick."

This was a difficult call. Don't get me wrong I've taken calls that were harder, and worse, but something about this one… I don't know. Nick called again. I have to say I was a little surprised, I thought last time would be the last time since he was always so insistent to speak to Ellen.

He launched right into reading off statistics about countries where it isn't safe to be gay and asked me if I knew about that. I had to stop myself from telling him it's not exactly safe even in countries where it isn't explicitly illegal, it felt like that might have destroyed him.

He was so upset about how his Lily was risking everything by being with Nick. He tried to explain that they aren't together, but that just doesn't exactly ring true. It might be infrequent sex, but I don't think it's casual exactly.

He seemed desperate to know why Lily would want to be with him with everything at stake if they got caught and I couldn't answer. I don't know Lily, I don't know his situation and I can't guess. I told Nick about Brian and Sandy instead. I don't think it was the answer he was looking for.

Something tells me he'll call back. I don't think he has anyone else in his life to talk to like this. I just hope that the next time he calls we can help him better.

Chapter End Notes

The number of countries comes from a 2014 Guardian article estimate, it might not be quite accurate but it was the first source I found from ~2013-14 and I didn't want to do too much digging

Chapter 6: June 2014

Chapter Summary

MLH Awards 2014...

Is Shane catching feelings? Is he making new friends? Is he doing okay?

We'll see

Chapter Notes

People who know things about hockey please switch your brains off now and don't crucify me for my lack of hockey knowledge that I have absorbed exclusively from hockey romance books and shows. xxx

Shane was pretty sure that it wasn't possible to get drunk off three sips of vodka, and a couple of ginger ales, but that was the only logical explanation for why he was feeling this way. Shane could feel the ghost of Rozanov's hands on him, but more importantly he was aware of the absence of his lips. They hadn't kissed, and Shane couldn't work out why that had affected him so much, he had to be drunk it was the only thing that made sense. The worst part was that they had kissed earlier that night in the bathroom, where Shane would have let Rozanov do just about anything to him, and had more or less begged him to. It was a little pathetic really how hung up he was on Rozanov, and that whole charade onstage hadn't helped matters.

It was a terrible idea to call GLAM, he would have to be very careful not to give anything away about where he was or someone might make the connection between him and the MLH. It had been risky enough when he had called them on awards night in rookie year, but twice was a pattern and he was even more recognisable now than he was in 2011. Shane dialled the number before he lost his nerve.

"Thank you for calling the Gay Lesbian Alliance Montreal helpline, I'm Danny. What should I call you?" Answered the operator.

"I'm Nick, you might have-"

"Oh damn the famous Nick on my line." Danny interrupted before Shane could finish saying 'heard of me'.

Shane blushed. He hadn't meant to become so well known among the volunteers. "I wouldn't say famous."

"Sorry course not. So what can I do for you Nick?"

"I… it seems silly now…" Shane admitted.

"Try me."

"Lily and I hooked up again tonight. We've both been so busy with work that we haven't seen each other in ages, like months, and I was kind of looking forward to tonight, but it was… disappointing?" It was the wrong word, Shane was sure, although he had been disappointed that they hadn't kissed…

"Oh? How so?"

"We didn't kiss. At all. It was just sex, really, really good sex, but still just sex. And then when we were done he didn't even get up to see me to the door, it was… different to when we've hooked up before, and not in a good way."

Shane couldn't help but think of that first night in Toronto, Rozanov had been so caring and careful with him. He couldn't match that Rozanov to tonight.

"That doesn't sound silly. That's like leading the league in assists but never scoring a goal yourself. Sure you're still leading the league in something but it would be better if you got to score you know?"

"What?" Shane ate, slept, and breathed hockey and even he was having difficulty parsing that metaphor.

"Sorry I have a tendency to talk in nonsensical hockey metaphors. That one was worse than usual." Danny laughed in a self-deprecating manner.

"I have to say it didn't make a lot of sense. Shouldn't kissing be the assist?"

"That's assuming sex is the goal." Danny said casually.

"Isn't it?" Shane was pretty sure that sex was the goal of his and Rozanov's hookups. To think anything else would stray into dangerous territory that Shane didn't think it was a good idea to think about.

"I don't know is it? Sounds to me like you were hoping for kissing and not just sex…"

"I…" Well Danny had him there. Shane loved sex, he especially loved having it with Rozanov, but something about kissing was just… even inside his own head Shane was scared to finish that thought.

"You're a hockey guy then I take it?" Danny asked, startling Shane out of his spiral.

He nearly had a heart attack until he realised Danny was just asking if he was a fan. "Uh yeah you could say that."

"Oh yeah? What team?"

Shane should lie, but he never got to talk about hockey as a fan and not a player these days.

"I grew up in Ottawa so the Centaurs will always have a special place in my heart." Shane confessed. He loved playing the Centaurs away, the team he grew up loving in the arena he grew up admiring.

"Oof that's rough." Danny joked.

"They're in a rut, they'll pull through."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Hey Boston hadn't been in the playoffs for years before Rozanov came onto the team and he's just brought them a cup. Ottawa just need more depth and some new blood." Shane said, feeling the need to defend his childhood heroes to this stranger.

"Ottawa need a miracle."

Okay so Danny wasn't wrong about that.

"What about you Mr Nonsensical Hockey Metaphors?" Shane asked, hoping to turn the tables and insult Danny's favourite team, or at least spend some more time casually talking about hockey in a way that was unrelated to and unimpeded by Shane's career.

"I grew up in Toronto so obviously I'm a big fan of the Guardians, but I never really consider myself as having 'a team'. I know there's a lot of stereotypes around gay guys not liking sports, people don't expect me to be interested in hockey, but my Dad is a total fanatic and growing up he used to take me to as many games as he could, it didn't matter who was playing. I guess I inherited his love for the sport, if not his skills, he actually played defence in college back in the 80s. Oh and I guess since moving to Montreal I've been rooting for the Metros. Too bad about the cup this year, fucking Rozanov, but dad and I both reckon Montreal are going all the way next year. Sorry that was a very long answer to a very simple question." Danny laughed.

"No I loved it. My mom's the same, a fan of any hockey as long as it's not bad hockey."

"A woman after my own heart."

"He won MVP tonight." Shane couldn't help but saying, wanting to talk about the other thing contributing to his bad mood, even if he couldn't do so properly without revealing his identity.

"Who did?" Danny asked, confused. Shane had just changed the subject with no warning.

"Fucking Rozanov." He said quoting Danny. It's not that he wasn't happy for Rozanov, or didn't think he deserved it, because he did, but that hadn't stopped Shane from wanting it.

"Of course he did. Did you watch the awards? Were they good? I try and watch them on TV every year but I haven't had a chance tonight because of my shift. I'd love to go in person someday though, wouldn't that be something else?"

"Mmmm." Shane murmured in agreement. To be completely honest he didn't really enjoy the MLH awards, unless he won something, the best part about them was getting to see Rozanov.

"Sorry I feel like I've yapped your ear off about hockey and we haven't even really talked about your thing."

"I don't mind. This was nice. And your dumb metaphor kind of helped, even if it was terrible."

"Hey now." Danny teased, there was no malice in his tone to suggest he had actually taken offence.

"Thank you for the chat. I do feel better."

"Any time. Especially if you want to talk hockey."

"I'll bear that in mind. Thanks again. Bye."

Shane hung up. He felt lighter than he had. He had forgotten how nice it was to talk hockey like fan, and not be looked to as the person with the highest hockey IQ in the league. Shane loved Hayden and J. J. but it was occurring to him that he didn't really have friends outside of the team, and he wasn't sure how to go about changing that…

Ugh I think I'm in love. Not actually, well I mean… probably not. All of you lot go around here talking about Nick like he's some sad lost gay puppy in need of mothering. You all failed to mention that he is funny in that deadpan sarcastic way and that he knows shit about hockey.

He and Lily are still… something. Honestly I get the impression that even he isn't sure what they are to each other, but whatever it is the fact that it's still going after four years definitely means something.

I know everyone seems to think he needs help, but I think he's just lonely. Or if not then he needs gay friends to talk to. Do you think he'd join my LGBT hockey team? Right now it's just me and some lesbians, and Paul who I don't think has realised somehow that it's a gay thing, but maybe Nick would want to join? I hope he calls back soon so I can ask him.

Chapter End Notes

Danny will return in Avengers: Doomsday...
No but actually he is the only volunteer that I know for certain at this stage is coming back because I love him and I have plans for him

Up Next: Stanley Cup Finals in LA 2015
What you didn't think I could leave out Hollywood Blowjob Guy and Mexico Top did you?

Chapter 7: June 2015

Chapter Summary

The night before Game 7 of The Stanley Cup Finals - L.A. vs Montreal

It's Hollywood Blowjob time baby

Chapter Notes

I know they don't come up in the show but you can't expect me not to cover Hollywood Blowjob and Mexico Top. They are pivotal moments for Shane's sexuality. They are also described in about two sentences so I got creative. This chapter is the result of me asking the question 'What would make Shane Hollander so desperate to get laid he would go clubbing, alone, in L.A.?' Enjoy

Shane watched as the clock in his hotel room blinked numbers at him. 10:02pm. He ought to get some sleep before tomorrow's game but it was still early and he was too wired to try. LA had taken the series to game seven and this time tomorrow they would either have won the Stanley Cup on home ice, or the Metros would have got their first cup win in over 15 years. Ostensibly Shane was sharing this room with Hayden, but Jackie had flown out to watch the final game, having left the kids with her parents, and the two of them were off enjoying the peace in her hotel room somewhere, leaving Shane alone with his thoughts.

Part of him wanted to call Rozanov, but they had agreed not to talk during the playoffs and besides they only ever texted, never called. Rozanov had been where Shane had been though, captain of an original six team on the brink of winning their first cup in years, and much as Shane didn't want to admit it even to himself, Rozanov probably knew him better than most other people in Shane's life.

Shane resisted the urge to call him, but he could hear Rozanov's voice in his head anyway.

"Stop thinking about game and go get laid. You are in Hollywood, live a little."

Shane realised with a start that he actually wanted that. Of course it made sense those weren't actually Rozanov's words, they were Shane's own subconscious repeating them back in Rozanov's voice. Before he could think better of it he was grabbing his shoes and heading out of the door. The smart thing to do would be to head downstairs to the hotel bar and pick-up there, but it was too close to his teammates, and Shane wasn't sure he had it in him to perform tonight.

Shane exited a club, gasping for air, he could feel the familiar feelings of shame and regret rolling in. He didn't want to return to his hotel so he started walking, idly tapping at his phone to give his fingers something to do.

He wasn't sure if he had called GLAM intentionally or not but he heard the call connect in his hand and brought it up to his ear.

"- name is Flo."

Shane caught the tail end of the operator's introduction.

"Um, it's Nick."

"Nick? It's been a while. How are you?" Flo asked cheerfully.

"I've… been better."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"That's usually why I call right?" Shane offered a half laugh.

"Danny was right you are funny. So what's on your mind?"

"I- I hooked up with someone tonight." Shane glanced around to check there was no-one around. "Not Lily… another man."

"Oh wow that's…"

"Not something I've done before." Shane filled in before Flo had a chance to finish her thought. "I… don't know how I feel about it."

"Do you want to unpack that? I'm no therapist but I have four younger siblings, an undergraduate degree in psychology, and I'm a nosy bitch. I'm excellent at people problems."

"Uh yeah I think maybe that might help."

A car whizzed past and Shane stepped back on instinct to avoid it.

"Nick is that traffic in the background? Where are you?"

He looked around but couldn't spot any street signs or discernible landmarks.

"Um I don't know? Somewhere in downtown L.A."

"L.A. huh? You're a long way from home. Is that part of the stuff we need to unpack?"

Shane laughed thinly. "No. It's a work trip. Which I guess is part of the stuff?"

"Go on…" Flo prompted.

"So I've got a huge presentation tomorrow."

"And you're nervous about it?"

"No. I mean I do presentations all the time this shouldn't be any different." Shane told her.

"But?" She pressed, correctly sensing that there was more Shane wasn't saying. It was an annoying trait that all of the call centre volunteers seemed to share.

"But I'm taking the lead on this one, and I mean if we pull this off it could be career changing for the whole team."

"That sounds like a lot of pressure."

"Yeah I guess. I don't think its nerves exactly, or maybe it is I don't know, I just know I was feeling jittery and in my own head." He confessed.

"So you decided to go out?"

"It uh, it was kind of Lily's idea?"

"You spoke to Lily tonight?" Flo sounded surprised. Shane couldn't blame her, his calls were usually 'Lily' related, but he'd already told her this one wasn't.

"Not exactly. I uh, kind of heard his voice in my head. That sounds really cheesy and sentimental doesn't it." Shane ran a hand through his hair in embarrassment.

"Nooooo." Flo lied. "So what did Lily in your head say."

"He told me to have fun in Hollywood and get laid…"

To her credit Flo didn't make any sort of audible reaction. Shane wasn't sure he would have been able to handle the shame if she had.

"And you listened?" Was all she asked.

"I mean it wasn't really Lily, it was my own brain using Lily's voice."

"So you wanted to go out and blow off some steam before the presentation?" Flo asked, clarifying.

"Basically yeah."

"Okay then what happened next?"

"What do you mean?"

"You decided to go out. Help me connect the dots between then and you wandering the streets of L.A. talking to me?"

Shane took a deep breath. He didn't exactly want to spell it out, but if he had learned one thing from his repeated calls to GLAM over the years it was that talking things through with someone did usually help when he was spiralling. And tonight he definitely spiralling.

"I thought about going down to the hotel bar, but my teammates were down there and I didn't need the teasing from them if I pulled, and…" Shane paused, trying to word things correctly in his head.

"And?" Flo pushed.

"And I wasn't sure if I wanted to find a woman. I really didn't need them seeing something like that. So I went out."

"Where'd you go?"

"A club. I saw it on the way to the hotel, rainbows in the windows…" Shane trailed off. "I don't like clubs usually, they're too loud, and too dark but also too bright. Still that served my purpose, less chance of being recognised."

"Recognised by who?"

Shane cursed himself for saying that. Of course Flo would pick up on the one thing he couldn't really answer without giving up his identity.

"My teammates, or other colleagues, or someone who knew them, anyone really."

"You're still worried about losing your job."

"Of course, but also I'm not ready to be out. I'm not even sure who I am in that department." Shane had known for a while he was attracted to men, ones who weren't Rozanov, tonight had more or less confirmed that. Beyond that though he didn't know, or really want to think about, what he was.

"That makes sense. So you went to the gay club, what happened after that?"

"I sat at the bar, looking nervous, and a really attractive man offered to by me a drink. One thing lead to another and we… hooked up in the club bathroom." Shane couldn't hide the twinge of embarrassment in his voice.

"Oof been there." Flo joked. "It was fun. Uncomfortable though."

"Mmm." Shane murmured in agreement.

"But other than the understandable mortification of stuffing yourself into a tiny nightclub bathroom stall to have sex with a stranger, did you enjoy it?"

Shane thought about it. He was mostly embarrassed, but if he managed to ignore that then he had to admit that for a moment, the thrill, and the sex, had been fun. "Yeah I did."

"Well hey look at you. Told you I was good with people problems." Flo cheered.

Shane laughed. "You did."

"Now get back to your hotel and get some sleep it's what 1am in L.A and you have a big presentation in the morning."

"It's later in Montreal." Shane shot back.

"Yeah but I'm on a night shift what's your excuse."

"Point taken. Thank you for your help Flo."

"Goodnight Nick."

"Goodnight."

Shane hung up the phone and went about hailing a cab to take him back to the hotel.

So it's been five years but I think Nick is finally starting to open up. I'm kidding mostly but this does feel like the most he's divulged about his personal life. It also feels like he's getting more comfortable with who he is. He said he wasn't comfortable with coming out even considering the fact that he could come out is a million miles from that scared kid in 2010 denying he was gay.

And then as always there's the Lily of it all. Even in a situation he wasn't remotely involved in Lily's name still came up. I know it's none of our business but I'm so interested in whatever is going on between those two. I mean the fact that Nick was hearing his own thoughts repeated back to him in his head in Lily's voice? I've had casual hookups and that's not casual hookup territory.

On a personal note I am happy he seems to be doing better than the last call from him I took. I know he's called Danny since then but still, that one rattled me.

Chapter End Notes

Hey look at that Flo came back. I wasn't planning on anyone but Danny coming back but I was starting to get sick of coming up with new names and personalities every chapter. I think from here on I will mix it up with new and returning volunteers (apart from Ellen, she's still having a great time in Vancouver with her wife and their dog).

Next up Hayden, Shane, and J. J. take a Boys Trip to Mexico

Chapter 8: July 2016

Chapter Summary

Boys trip to Mexico after the end of the 2015/16 season.

Chapter Notes

This one was a lot harder to write than the last one because I think 90% of what I would have said for this chapter was covered in the previous one but I didn't want to make them one chapter with two separate events so I ended up splitting them instead. I'm not 100% happy with it but I think it works as a transitional chapter into 2016 where their relationship really starts to develop emotionally.

Shane was freaking out. He still couldn’t quite work out how he’d allowed J. J. and Hayden to talk him into a boys trip to Mexico during their summer break, but they had won the cup, again, and he had found it hard to say no to them. Especially since half the team had said yes.

It hadn’t been as bad as Shane had feared, kind of like a roadie but with less hockey and more partying, which to Shane didn’t seem like a particularly great trade but by day four he had found his stride and was started to enjoy himself.

What he hadn’t anticipated was being left alone in a club and getting hit on by an athletic looking man who had no idea who Shane was. That was the only reason that Shane had gone through with the monumentally idiotic idea to take the man back to his hotel room. That and the fact that it had been months since he had last got laid and he was a two time fucking Stanley Cup winner and he deserved to celebrate as much as his teammates, more since he had scored the series winning goal. Now he was sat alone on the bed in a puddle of sweat, cum, wondering whether he was prepared to face the embarrassment of going to reception and asking for clean sheets

It was second nature to call GLAM at this point.

"Hi I'm Danny thanks for calling the Gay Lesbian Alliance Montreal helpline. What should I call you?"

"It's Nick."

"Oh hey Nick. Told you the Metros were going all the way. Back to back cups even unbelievable. Sorry getting distracted. How've you been?" Danny asked cheerily.

"Fine." Shane told him.

"Fine?"

"Yeah sure, fine." He shrugged.

"Okay better question how are you now?"

"Less… fine…?" Shane guessed. He didn't really know how to describe what he was feeling.

"Okay we're getting somewhere. Why less fine?" Danny pressed.

"I just had sex with a guy who wasn't Lily."

"Woah way to bury the lead there. Open with that next time."

"You wanted to know how I had been!" Shane argued.

"Obviously a major life update is more important than idle small talk. Anyway doesn't matter, you said you are less fine now, what happened? Was it bad?"

"I don't know?"

Shane had been trying to ask himself the same question. Something had felt slightly off but he couldn't place his finger on what. He was pretty sure from an objective standpoint it had been good, but something was stopping him from just saying that.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I only have Lily to compare him to, and the women I guess but…"

"But?"

"But that's different isn't it?"

"I wouldn't know. I tried with a girl once in high school and it was an unmitigated disaster."

"It is different."

Shane thought it was different at any rate. Sex with women was nothing like it was with Rozanov. Or with this guy for that matter. At least that was something he was sure of.

"So don't include the women. You and Lily have had sex enough times that surely gives you enough data points to tell you whether it was good or bad?"

"I don't know… With Lily it's so different."

"Different how?"

Shane thought about it, whether he wanted to admit to himself and out loud what he was thinking. "Better."

"So it was bad with this guy?" Asked Danny.

"No? I don't think so. It was fine it just… wasn't him."

Well that did explain the inexplicable feeling that something wasn't quite right. It wasn't bad he just wasn't Rozanov. Shit.

"Huh." Danny said suddenly.

"Huh what? What's huh?" Shane wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"I just noticed that you seem to be unusually calm about this. Unusually calm for you I mean. In the past you would have been freaking out."

"Oh I'm uh freaking out on the inside." Shane confessed.

"About what?"

"The usual. I'm on vacation with friends so whether any of them saw me leave with another guy. Whether he'll talk about it with someone and people somehow find out."

"But not about the sex itself?"

"No…" Shane realised with surprise.

"Hence the huh."

"Huh." Shane agreed.

They sat in silence for a couple of seconds before Shane realised he really needed to deal with the general state of his hotel room.

"I should go." He said. "But uh thanks for listening."

"Anytime. As long as I'm on shift, and you know the one who answers your call."

Shane laughed as he hung up.

Do you think Nick knows he has feelings for Lily? I feel like he has to but then every time he calls it seems like he genuinely has no idea. I was really holding back the urge to tell him today. What do you mean 'It was fine it just wasn't him.' And we are supposed to keep pretending that whatever this thing with Lily is it's still casual no strings no feelings sex? Honestly it's a little bit validating towards past me and my less than stellar observational skills and decision making when it came to relationships, but at the same time come on man.

Do you think whoever Lily is he's also this oblivious or do you think he's waiting patiently for Nick to figure it out himself? I'm calling it now, this is going to be their year I can feel it. I mean it's been six years at this point surely one of them has to realise that this is more than whatever they are pretending it is. I am this close to starting an office betting pool on these two.

Aw shoot I never asked Nick about joining my hockey league. Next time. Or hey whoever gets his next call could ask him for me? There are flyers on the notice board.

Chapter End Notes

I am at a stage now where I have no more chapters pre-written and some of them are only planned with like one or two word concepts. I am also participating in a promptober event for a different fandom which is going to take up a lot of my time so I have decided that in order to focus on that and also to build up a backlog of another few chapters this fic is going on hiatus until the 3rd of November. This also feels like a good place to pause before we get into the jam packed 2016/17. Thank you for reading I love you, see you all in a month and a bit :)