Operation Find Shane's Soulmate

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

March 15, 2014 3:43 pm You added Hayden and Jackie Hayden
JJ, what is this?
Read the group chat name? We're getting Capitaine a boyfriend
I know we have tried to set him up before, but that was before he came out to us. So obviously the past attempts were a failure.
But now that we know he's gay, it should work this time around
Hayden
Didn't he come out to you like ten minutes ago?
Yes, and I've already wasted ten minutes I could've been searching for the love of his life.
This is serious business and we need to get to work
Jackie
I'm not sure I want to be included in your meddling
Yes, you do
You are smarter than me and your husband combined
Someone needs to be the brains of the operation
Me and Hayden have too many concussions
Jackie
*Hayden and I
See? This is what I'm talking about
Jackie
You're making good points
Fuck, I'm in
Hayden
Swear jar
Jackie
The twins can't read, Hayden
Hayden
Oh, I forgot
Didn't they just turn one?
Jackie
Yes
Okay, so we reaaaaally need you
Jackie
I can see that
So, what's the plan?
The plan?
Jackie
What's our criteria? What kind of man are we looking for Shane?
A nice man in Montréal
Someone who can be discreet about him being The Shane Hollander. And you know, not run to the tabloids
Hayden
I don't know if I know any gay people
Am I a bad person?
Not the time for that, Hayden
Jackie
One of my college friends lives here, I can ask him
Yes, he can be our first test subject

Antoine
March 15, 2014 3:57 pm Hi, Antoine! I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with a friend of mine. He just came out to us a while ago and I'd love to set you up with him. He's a sweetie and very handsome, I think you two would get along.
Hi, honey, I've missed you!! <3
When you say he came out to you, does that mean he's not actually out? You know I don't date closeted guys
Shit, I forgot about that, sorry. He is very much still in the closet publicly.
That sucks, wishing him the best.
We should go clubbing some time
I'm a tired mother, I don't have the time for that
That's exactly why we should go clubbing
Let your loser husband take care of your children for once
I forgot how much you hate him
He stole your youth
Sure, babe
Does this Friday work?

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

March 15, 2014 4:15 pm Jackie
Okay, Antoine was a bust.
They need to be fine with closeted guys, too.
Damn, I didn't even think of that.
We'll regroup later. Homework assignment for everyone is to befriend gay people.
Hayden
How do I know if someone's gay?
Okay, Jackie and I will befriend gay people. You're relieved of your duties
March 15, 2014 4:47 pm Hayden
I have made a gay friend
It's been 30 minutes?
Hayden
Actually, I just realized one of my friends is probably gay
 And how did you realize this?
Hayden
I just remembered I used to kiss this one guy in seventh grade a lot
What?
Hayden
Yeah, me and Mateo used to do that. Which means he's gay, right?
Yes. Probably.
Jackie
Baby. Kissing men as a man does make you a little gay. Please tell me you know that.
Hayden
That's what I thought!
I'm going to ask him, is that alright?
Jackie
Yes. Go ask this man you used to make out with.
Hayden
Okay!

Jackie

March 15, 2014 4:53 pm Jackie
JJ
You saw that
Uh-huh
I think I'm hallucinating
Me too
I mean… I've wondered sometimes, but this?
Yeah
It's alright, my husband can be a little gay and oblivious
I still know he's very much into me, so it doesn't really matter tbh
#ally

Mateo

March 15, 2014 4:55 pm Hi, you're gay, right?
Hayden, what????
You've had your tongue in my mouth??
Is that a yes?
Yes??
Okay, good! I have this friend who's gay and hot and surprisingly funny. And you're also gay and hot and funny, so I thought you two would get along. And maybe you'd want to go on a date with him?
Huh
Sure, if he's as great as you say he is, then why not
There's just the thing that he's still in the closet and kind of famous. If that's a problem, please say rn
That's not a problem!
How famous are we talking about?
Hockey famous
Oh? Well I am intrigued, even though I know nothing about hockey. But I'll keep his secret, don't worry
Good, because I would murder you otherwise
Sure you would, Hayd
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxe_YMJ4nUs&t=26s
What's this?
A compilation of me beating up people on ice. Watch it and then stop being so unsure if I'd murder you or now
March 15, 2015 5:13 pm
I don't know what that was supposed to accomplish except make me a little turned on
Dude?
That's your fault, buddy
But yes, I believe you'd murder me. Can you tell me who the guy you're setting me up with is?
Shane
Shane who?
Hollander?
Let me Google him real quick
March 15, 2014 5:24 pm
Hayden Pike
You've been holding out on me
That is the most beautiful man I've ever seen
Does that mean you'll go on a date with him?
I'll go to the ends of the Earth for him
Yes, please

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

March 15, 2014 5:32 pm Hayden
Operation Shane and Mateo is a go
And now we wait
How long do we wait?
Hayden
They have a date in three days
Alright. We'll wait

Mateo

March 18, 2014 11:23 pm How was it?
Oh, Hayden, he's even more beautiful in person
I just don't think we have much in common, though
What do you mean?
Dude, he lives and breathes hockey. And I asked him what's the ball that's not a ball called.
The puck?
Yes, that one
He was very patient with my lack of hockey knowledge, but I could see he was struggling to come up with other stuff to talk about. At least ones he was actually interested in
I can see that
We're going on another date next week, but I'm not sure about it
Hmh. Okay. Tell me how it goes, I guess
March 27, 2014 10:59 pm Yeah, I don't think anything is going to happen with us
Damn, what kind of standards do you even have, if The Shane Hollander is not enough to you?
You can just date him yourself if it's such a struggle
I have a wife
And that's the only obstacle?

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

March 27, 2014 11:12 pm Hayden
Okay, so maybe the guy has to like hockey. Or at least be interested in learning hockey, because Mateo wasn't and Shane's life doesn't have much else in it
That makes sense.
Well then, we need someone who's:
- nice
- gay
- in Montréal
- can be discreet
- okay with dating someone closeted
- into hockey
Jackie
That's not so bad? I'm sure we will find someone!

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

August 29, 2014 3:34 pm Jackie
Apparently Charlie thought Shane was "too weird", whatever that means
Huh?
Jackie
I don't even know, I'm fucking pissed at Charlie at the moment
I mean, sure, Shane sometimes misses some social cues or whatever, who the fuck even cares
So the guy has to be fine with Shane's quirks?
Fuck it, whatever, I'm adding it to the list

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

October 12, 2014 4:34 pm Hayden
Alex said "they're not sexually compatible". I didn't ask any follow-up questions, I don't want to know what that means
Probably that they're both either tops or both bottoms
Jackie
JJ, how would you even know that?
I did my research. Watched some gay porn. You know, ally stuff.
Jackie
You watched gay porn?
Yeah, for research.
Jackie
What the hell, sure
Hayden
Should I have done that, too?
Jackie
Baby, no
Well
We can watch together, when you get home <3
October 12, 2014 10:59 pm Hayden
Okay, which one do we think Shane is?
What do you mean which one?
Hayden
Top or bottom?
I don't think there's a way to know without asking him
You could ask Alex, then we could probably guess
Hayden
I don't want to do that
Then I'll guess we'll have to go without that knowledge

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

January 17, 2015 11:29 am Jackie
So. Get this
Shane is "too mean" and Peter was not into that
Our Shane? Too mean?
Jackie
It was just light chirping if even that, and apparently that was too much
Yeah fucking whatever, fine

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

March 2, 2015 4:29 pm Now apparently Shane is "too competitive"
Why the fuck does no one want nothing more than a few dates with him??? I'm going to become homicidal
Jackie
Sigh, I'll guess we'll add that to the list

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate
July 17, 2015 8:11 pm Jackie
Shane and Eli are going on a date number four!! Our most successful mission yet!!!
Thank God
Maybe he's the one!!!

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

August 24, 2015 12:21 am Jackie
They are officially boyfriends!!!
Hayden
Does that mean our work is done?
We're so good at this

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

September 25, 2015 11:28 am Jackie
They broke up :/
What? Why? I thought it was going well
Jackie
It was, but all the travel and time apart was too much for Eli. Can't really help it with Shane's job
They fought about it and Eli asked Shane to quit hockey for him
He did WHAT?????
Jackie
Yup. That did not go over very well
Hayden
And we're back in square one. Fuck.

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

January 27, 2016 2:43 pm Jackie added Rose Jackie
We need reinforcements now that Shane finally has more than three friends
Say hi to Rose. Be normal.
You can't just add Rose Landry to out group chat and ask us to be normal
Jackie
Yes, I can.
Rose
You guys can act however you want, I've seen everything
I'm here as Shane's friend and as someone who wants nothing but happiness for him
And if that means meddling in his life behind his back trying to find someone who'll love him the way he deserves, then so be it
Hayden
Do the dating rumours about you two bother you?
Rose
I have had dating rumours about every male I've ever been seen with, which is quite ironic considering I'm a lesbian
You are?
Rose
No, I'm just lying for fun
Yes, obviously I'm a lesbian
I'm assuming you'll keep that secret the same way you kept Shane's
Hayden
Yeah, yeah, of course! We would never out someone
Jackie
Sorry if this is a rude question, but is there a reason you're not out? I thought Hollywood would be a lot more accepting than the hockey world
Rose
Mostly because of my family
But also because people are weird about sexuality once it's anything but straight
Jackie
That makes sense. But it also sucks that you have to hide this big part of yourself
Rose
Yeah, well. That's life
Anyway, where are we with finding Shane his soulmate?
After a lot of failures we have a list:
- nice (but can be a little mean in a chirping way)
- gay (or bi/whatever)
- in Montréal (or at least somewhat close/okay with travelling)
- can be discreet
- okay with dating someone closeted
- into hockey (or fine with learning about it, at least)
- okay with Shane's quirks (can autism be diagnosed as a peer review?)
- okay with either being just the top or the bottom (we never figured which one)
- competitive (or fine with Shane getting too competitive with video games and such)
- fine with Shane's career and everything that comes with it (travel, time, injuries etc.)
Rose
I see we're serious about this, then. Good.
I know many gay people. Most of them don't deserve Shane. But I can name like five people at the top of my head who could work
Rose Landry, you are a national treasure.
Rose
You know I'm American, right?
And they don't deserve you. Canada is adopting you
Rose
Depending on the election results, I might actually want to become a Canadian

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

September 13, 2016 11:23 am Rose
Maybe all my friends SUCK, why is this so hard? How the hell is this the fifth person that went: "He's so hot, but…" after a couple of dates??? Fuck, I hate gay people
Welcome to our life
Jackie
It's like only hockey people can appreciate Shane the proper way
Rose
Well, have you tried that? A hockey player? Or I don't know, the team's social media manager or something?
Hayden
Our social media manager is a very pregnant lady, so no
And I don't think there are other gay hockey players?
Jackie
Babe, please don't be stupid in front of Rose, I'm getting embarrassed
Hayden
Are there other gay hockey players?
There aren't any out players, so how are we supposed to know which ones are gay?
Rose
I might know something about someone from one of my closeted friends who travels to Europe to be gay in secret
Hayden
Wait, who?
Rose
I'm not going to tell you guys anything, sorry. Not my secret to tell. But I'll ask him if he's interested
I'm so goddamn curious but I'll behave

Scott Hunter

September 13, 2016 2:43 pm
Hello, Scott Hunter
Who is this?
Rose Landry
Yeah, right
Send a pic with an apple on your head, then

Is this some kind of kink thing?
Oh shit
Sorry, I didn't actually think it would be you
No kink here, I just thought you were some kind of scammer
I know, I'm just messing with you
Okay, that's good to know. I wouldn't even want to know what kind of headlines would come out of this, if you thought it was
Don't worry, I'm not going to spill your fruit related or other kinds of secrets
Can I ask, is there a reason you're messaging me?
Well! Speaking of secrets, you're gay, right?
What?
Who told you that?
I don't know what you're talking about
Okay, shit, I'm coming at this the wrong way
Hey, a gay, I'm a lesbian. I'd like you to go on a date with a friend of mine, who's also gay and a hockey player. I'm not going to out you to anyone
Oh.
Huh.
I actually kind of have a boyfriend?
Damn. Well, I'm happy for you and your boyfriend, then!
Yeah, me too <3
September 13, 2016 3:13 pm
Wait, I didn't know you were friends with other hockey players than Shane Hollander
Does that mean what I think it means?
September 13, 2016 5:28 pm Rose?
September 13, 2016 11:23 pm I see. I'll keep his secret as well, don't worry.

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

September 13, 2016 6:34 pm Rose
WhatEVER I'm giving up!
Shane can find the love of his life on his own
Jackie
Imagine how tired we are

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

January 29, 2017 7:23 pm Rose
You guys are watching the All-Star Game, right?
Of course
Rose
Can you also see the insane chemistry Shane has with Ilya Rozanov?
Hayden
I mean, they are the best players in the league, of course they'll play well together
Rose
I'm not talking about them playing
Actually, that too. This is borderline sexual to watch
Jackie
I can see that
Hayden
You can?
Rozanov just kissed Shane on the cheek
Rose
I looked away for like two seconds, WHAT???!!?!?!?!?
That's it, I think he should be our next target
Hayden
Ilya Rozanov
Rose
Yes.
Hayden
From The Boston Bears.
Rose
Yes.
Hayden
But Shane hates him
Jackie
I don't think he does
Hayden
My own wife is betraying me
Jackie
I mean sure, there's the rivalry but that's all from the media. Shane has never talked about Rozanov with nothing but respect, which is understandable considering I think no one else can understand Shane's career in the way Rozanov probably can
But he's an asshole. Like famously one of the most hated players in the league because he's such a piece of shit on the ice
Rose
But is he the same off the ice, though?
Hayden
He's still an asshole in his interviews
Rose
Interviews mean nothing. Shane is also really boring in his interviews, I wouldn't judge his personality based on those only
Hayden
Also, Rozanov is straight and bit of a manwhore
Jackie
Hayden, don't slut-shame him just because you don't like him
Hayden
Sorry
But I don't think he would be interested in a relationship, especially with a man. Especially when that man is his rival
I agree with Hayden. Anyone but Rozanov
Rose
Boo!!!! Just boring as hell
January 29, 2017 11:48 pm
Rose
I'll prove it to you that he'd be good for Shane. Just you wait.
February 3, 2017 11:34 am
Rose
https://youtu.be/m77hgrECQn8?si=2VkEmLWmNBKRNAvt
What's this?
Rose
A Hollanov compilation
A what?
Rose
Compilation of Shane and Ilya's best moments on ice and of them talking about each other in interviews
Oh, he's Ilya now?
Rose
I'm not going to call Shane's future husband by his last name
I don't think it was a good idea to add you to this group
Hayden
I'm not watching that video
Jackie
Yes, you are
Hayden
I guess I will be watching the video
February 20, 2017 11:58 pm
Rose
https://archiveofourown.org/works/86553716
Before anyone asks, yes that is a fanfiction about Shane and Ilya. I picked one with no fucking, so it would convince you to maybe read it.
People write about them fucking?
Rose
https://archiveofourown.org/works/76936486
Start with that one
Not what I asked
March 7, 2017 2:34 pm
Rose
https://www.tumblr.com/silly-little-pal/797323277183975424?source=share
This is fanart of them at Shane's cottage
People on the internet are so weird, these are real people, you know?
Rose
Okay, RPF police
I don't know what that means
Rose
Yeah, I figured

Operation: Find Shane's Soulmate

April 3, 2017 8:12 pm Rose
Shit, is he okay?
That hit looked really bad, fuck
Please let me know how he is, when you guys can
Jackie
I'm going to murder Marlow
Also Yuna promised to text when she has any news
April 3, 2017 11:24 pm Jackie
He has a concussion and a fractured collarbone, but otherwise he's okay
Rose
Oh, thank God
I would come and visit him but I'm in the middle of a shoot week and I really can't get out of this
Hayden
We'll tell him you're thinking of him when we visit tomorrow
Rose
Thank you <3
April 4, 2017 3:24 pm Something weird just happened
Rozanov was just here
Rose
In the hospital?
Hayden
Yeah. He came to apologize in behalf of Marlow
Me and JJ stayed in the room because we do not trust him
But he was really sincere, actually.
And Shane was blushing like half of the time.
Jackie
That's so cute
Hayden
You know what, it kind of was
Rose
Does that mean I have you guys' permission to message Ilya?
Actually, I don't care if I do or don't, I'm going to do it any way
Hayden
Fine. But I kind of wanted to be the one to message him
Hey, I want to do that too
Rose
That's not happening
But I can just add him here for a second
You're going to do what?
Whatever, go ahead
Rose changed name to The Interrogation Room Rose
Wait, I don't actually have his number
Jackie
Give me a minute, the WAGs will get me it
Jackie added Ilya to the group Hayden
Rozanov
Jackie
Hayden, don't even start
Ilya
Hayden Pike? The 15th best Voyagers player? Why am I in a group chat with you?
Rose, I'm taking back my permission, we'll find someone else
Jackie
Stop being school children for one second, please
Hi, Ilya. I'm Jackie (Pike). Here are also Hayden, JJ and Rose (Landry)
Ilya
And? Why am I here?
Hayden
That's what we're all wondering
Rose
Hi, Ilya! Sorry about Hayden and JJ, they're annoying as hell today
We just have a proposition for you but it's kind of top secret
Oh, and I'm Rose btw. I'm a big fan of you
Ilya
Can you stop speaking in riddles and ask me whatever you are going to ask?
Rose
Damn, alright. What do you think about Shane?
Ilya
Who?
Fuck off
Ilya
Shane Hollander, you mean?
Boring Canadian, weak backhand, second best player in the league
Hayden
This is the guy you want to date Shane, Rose? Really?
Ilya
????
Rose
You weren't supposed to say that yet, Hayden, we were supposed to scout him first
Hayden
Oh! Ohhh fuck
Rozanov, forget I ever said anything
Ilya
No, I'm very interested now
What do you mean date Hollander?
Okay, first of all: What are your thoughts about gay people?
Ilya
I love gay people
I have fucked a few of them
Let's get back to dating Hollander
Hayden
You have had gay sex?
Ilya
Yes and I would love to have gay sex with Hollander, too
Rose
See, I told you guys!!!!
But also, we're not talking about just hooking up with him. Our mission is to find his soulmate, not just some one-night stand
Ilya
And you think that is me?
Hayden
Eh, you are kind of like a last resort
Trust me, we've been at this for years. We are desperate
Ilya
You are bad at match-making, then
Honestly? I think so too. Or at least we are insane, because we are trying to get you and Shane together
Ilya
Were all the guys you like stupid and ugly and old, or what?
I'm not any of those. I must be perfect
Jackie
It was usually Shane that was the "problem"
Ilya
How would the golden Canadian boy Shane Hollander be the problem?
Jackie
That's what we thought!!!
 Send the list, JJ
After a lot of failures we have a list. We need some who's:
- nice (but can be a little mean in a chirping way)
- gay (or bi/whatever)
- in Montréal (or at least somewhat close/okay with travelling)
- can be discreet
- okay with dating someone closeted
- into hockey (or fine with learning about it, at least)
- okay with Shane's quirks (can autism be diagnosed as a peer review?)
- okay with either being just the top or the bottom (we never figured which one)
- competitive (or fine with Shane getting too competitive with video games and such)
- fine with Shane's career and everything that comes with it (travel, time, injuries etc.)
Ilya
These things were too hard to find in a guy?
Somehow, yes
Ilya
Hmh
Okay
I'm in
Really? Just like that?
Ilya
Yes, I will woo Hollander and no man will be good enough for him after
Jackie
Are you sure? Because we are not fucking around here
Rose
What Jackie is saying that we know where you work and we will come and chop off your dick if you do anything to hurt Shane.
Hayden
Who is we??
You too, Hayden
Hayden
I mean sure, but can't we like just punch him or something? Why do we have to go straight for the dick?
Ilya
Hollander has such interesting friends
I have heard your warnings, I will behave
Rose
Good. And don't tell Shane I said this, but I think he's kind of into you already.
Ilya
Makes sense
Everybody's into me
Jesus
Ilya
No, my name is Ilya
Hayden
Rozanov, I swear to God
Ilya
Okay, okay
I was actually thinking about 2009, the night of the draft
We had a moment
A moment?
Ilya
There were sparks. But then nothing happened, I don't know
Hayden
Huh. And you've never done anything with him?
Ilya
I wanted to, maybe. It was never the right time or it was too risky or I got scared
Rose
Ilya Rozanov, do you have a crush on Shane?
Ilya
What
NO
Russians do not have crushes
Hayden
That wasn't very convincing buddy
Ilya
Okay, big surprise, I'm one of the thousands who has a little tiny crush on Shane Hollander
He has beautiful freckles and he chews on his cheek when he's thinking and I like to make him laugh with my chirps
I'm not special
Interesting…
Rose
Very interesting…
Ilya
Can I have Hollander's number now or do you want to test me more?
Hayden
Man, I think you should probably call him Shane at this point
Ilya
Okay, can I have Shane's number, then?
Hayden
I'm going to throw up.
But yeah. You can have it.

Shane

April 7, 2017 7:03 pm Shane Hollander
I heard your love life sucks
I have come to rescue
I thought my friends had given up on trying to set me up
Why would they give up when they haven't hit jackpot yet?
I am jackpot

Shane and his besties

April 7, 2017 7:09 pm Shane
You guys are fucking relentless
I don't know who this dude is but he seems like an asshole

The Interrogation Room

April 7, 2017 7:11 pm JJ
Rozanov, what the fuck are you saying to Shane?
Shh, let me work my magic
Jackie
More important question is why it took you three days to text him
He has a concussion. No screens for the first two days
Rose
Have I said I like you already?
No, but you should say it more often. And probably mention that to Shane

Shane

April 7, 2017 7:12 pm Wow, you are cocky
I do have a big cock, yes. Do you want to find out how big?
OK, I don't know who you think you are, but this is usually not the way you should approach someone you supposedly want to date
You have not guessed yet?
Hollander, I'm disappointed
I'm guessing you're of Hayden's friends since his candidates are always the worst ones
Ew. I'm not friend of Pike
I'll give you a hint: I'm a better hockey player than you
Ha, that's cute
No, you're not
Yes, I am. This is true
Sorry to burst your bubble, but there's only one person in the world who could say that and it would be true, at least by some measurements
And you're not him
Yes, I am
You're really not
No? But it was me in the gym after the NHL draft in 2009 who was in the gym with you, you remember that? We raced and I won, obviously. I gave you my water. You looked like you were probably having gay thoughts about me
I was for sure having gay thoughts about you

Shane and his besties

April 7, 2017 7:24 pm Shane
Rozanov?????????????? Really??????
Hayden
It was Rose's idea
Rose
And you will thank me later
Give him a chance, Shane. I like him
Shane
Fine. It's not like I'm doing anything more productive since my arm is in a sling and I'm stuck at my parents' house

Shane

April 7, 2017 7:34 pm Is this some kind of new strategy to throw me off my game?
You do know I'm out until next season, right?
I know that. Sucks for your team, they are nothing without you
Did you just compliment me?
No
I insulted your team
I'm pretty sure there was a compliment there
Was accident. My English is not so good
Oh fuck off, your English is fine
Was that a compliment?
That was just a statement
Okay, but seriously. What do you want from me?
Was it not clear? I want to date you, Hollander
That's not funny
I'm not joking
I don't believe you
Go on a date with me
 The playoffs are about to begin
 So?
 You have to focus on that, not on whatever you're trying to do with me
 Why do you have so little faith in me, Hollander?
 You have a reputation, Rozanov
Maybe I do
 Let me prove myself to you
And how are you going to do that?
I will wait
Wait for what?
Wait until the playoffs are over. In the meantime I will charm you so well you won't be able to say no when I ask you out
That's not going to happen
We will see
Now go to sleep. You need to heal your brain and body
Are you conspiring with my mom? She said the same thing to me like two minutes okay
Not yet
Tell my future mother-in-law I said hi
What the fuck?
Good night, Shane

Shane and his besties

April 7, 2017 9:44 pm Shane
This is the weirdest day of my entire life
Jackie
Just embrace it, Shane
Shane
This is such a bad idea

Shane

April 7, 2017 9:46 pm Good night, Ilya

Svetlana

April 7, 2017 9:59 pm Sveta, how do I make someone fall in love with me?
That has never been a problem for me, people fall in love with me all the time
And since when do you want to have anything real with the people you fuck?
I haven't fucked him yet
Who the hell made you so obsessed without even having sex with you?
Shane Hollander
Okay, nevermind, that makes perfect sense
Did something happen or did you jerk off to a compilation of his best goals again?
I did that once when I was high, can you please not bring it up every time we talk about Shane?
Oh, he's Shane now?
And it's your own fault for telling me, you know I live to humble you
Yes, he is Shane because I want this to be real
There is something happening already?
His friends are convinced we are soulmates, they set us up
We've been texting
And what, he has not immediately fallen in love with you? How shocking.
Are you actually serious about wanting something real with him? Or do you just want a new and exciting fuckbuddy?
Sveta, I'm getting old and tired,
I have fucked every kind of person there is
Having an actual relationship is the one thing I haven't tried
And you think the person you want to have your first relationship with is your rival?
Yes. First and last
Because if I'm not marrying Shane Hollander, I'm not marrying anyone
Oh, Ilyusha
I forget you can be a hopeless romantic sometimes
Okay. What is the plan?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me
How?
I'm very good at getting people to want me
I know that, but that's been lust. Love is different
If you want something more than a quick fuck from him, you need to let him in. Not bullshit your way out of real conversations the way you still sometimes do with even me, but you need to actually be open to letting him know the real you
You don't have to change yourself, but just don't run away as soon as it gets real
Oh
Thank you
When are you seeing him?
After the playoffs. Shane doesn't want me distracted
Oh Lord, you have done nothing but text him and he already has you on a fucking leash
I like him. I think he'll be good for you
Me too

Shane

April 8, 2017 11:12 am I need to know what my friends said about me and my love life
Good morning to you too
They just said you dated a bunch of dumb losers
They were not like that
Then why the hell would they want to not date you? Nothing explains that except that they are dumb losers
It's not…
Never mind, you wouldn't get it
Tell me still, I want to try to understand
You might not want to do anything with me after that
The only thing that will make me leave is that if you tell me to do so
I feel like as soon as people learn to know me is Shane the person instead of Shane Hollander the hockey player, they want to leave.
Tell me. I want to learn you
Me being a professional hockey player seemed to be the biggest problem mostly. It was either that it was all I wanted to talk about or that the traveling was too much or that they couldn't handle the media's investment in my life
In case you have forgotten, I'm also a professional hockey player
Yes, but for me it's all-consuming. I read fucking hockey books on my free time, for God's sake
So? You love what you do, this is not news to me. I think the passion you have for hockey is very hot
Really?
Really.
Oh. Well, apparently my hockey persona seeps into my personal life too. I can't play board games or video games or anything like that without getting so competitive that people don't even want to play with me.
And I can't wait to beat you in every single one of them
I have to fold my clothes before sex.
You can fold mine, too
I'm really particular about what I eat
These are problems only for dumb losers
I'm strictly a bottom
That is the opposite of a problem for me
Oh. Good to know
I'm sure it is
Asshole
I have to go, looking at my phone is giving me a headache
Shit. Yes, go
Sorry for being too interesting
Not the word I would use
What then? Sexy? Funny? These words all describe me
I was thinking of "annoying"
:'(
You break my heart, Hollander
Sure I do
I have to go now, really. If I don't come back before your game tonight, I'm telling you good luck now!
You want me to win? You really are my biggest fan
I would never root for a team with Dallas Kent in it, so yes I want you to win
Good point
Okay, you go now. Don't break your beautiful brain, please
You're such a weirdo. Bye
Goodbye <3

The Interrogation Room

April 8, 2017 3:57 pm Jackie
How's it going with Shane, Ilya?
He called me an asshole and annoying and weirdo
It's going really well :)
JJ
He's insulting you and you think it's going well?
Yes
Hayden
Dear Lord

Shane

April 8, 2017 7:21 pm You're playing really well today
Too bad your team is playing like shit
April 8, 2017 7:54 pm Your power play is shit today as well
April 8, 2017 8:01 pm Barrett should've gotten a penalty for that too, what the hell?
April 8, 2017 8:33 pm How did you make that goal?! That was insane
April 8, 2017 9:42 pm You watched the game
You are obsessed with me
I watch a lot of hockey games, you're not special
But I'm the only one that gets live commentary, yes?
I guess
I was hoping you would be watching
I look very hot when I'm playing
Wow
Yes, I'm sure that's what you said when you first saw me on screen
Shouldn't you be celebrating with your team or something?
I'd rather talk to you
I'm about to fall asleep, sorry
Oh
Well, maybe I will go out then :(
I think you will find company there
Marlow is coming so he will keep me company
Yeah, but I meant more that you'll find someone to fuck
I could, but that's not what I want
Sure
I mean it. I'm serious about this, I'm not going to spend my time fucking other people
You know I said I wouldn't go out with you until after the playoffs. And if you're going to the finals, you'll have to wait until the middle of June
Fuck
I hope we get knocked out at first round
What is wrong with you??? Don't say that!
Okay, okay
I'm going to have to jerk off so much :( Pity me, Hollander
You poor thing, having to go two months without sex
I haven't gone two months without sex since I was fifteen
Fifteen? That's so young
Yes, maybe too young. I was too young for a lot of things
Things like what?

Svetlana

April 8, 2017 10:19 pm I'm going to try being honest and vulnerable and if this goes sideways I'm blaming you
It will be alright, I know it

Shane

April 8, 2017 10:22 pm Ilya?
That might have been too invasive, you don't have to answer. Sorry
No, it's not that. I'm just not used to talking about it. But I want to
Take all the time you need, I'm here
My mother died when I was twelve. After that I tried my best not to feel things. Hockey helped. Alcohol and drugs and sex I tried to make myself believe were helping, but I don't think they were
My friend Svetlana helped. She's the only person that I still have in my life that has known me since I was a kid
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm happy you had Svetlana with you all this time
You were supposed to go to sleep, I'm distracting you again
I don't care about that right now. I'm glad you told me.
I want to get to know you, too
Okay
Go to sleep
I will
Good night, Ilya
Good night, Shane

Svetlana

April 8, 2017 10:53 pm How did it go?
Good. I didn't say much, but I was truthful
I'm proud of you, you know
I love you, too

Shane

April 9, 2017 7:01 am I was on a walk and petted a really cute dog
I don't usually pet dogs that pass me by, but this one stopped at my feet and refused to move. The owner was really embarrassed but the dog looked happy
You are waking me up at seven in the morning and didn't even send a photo?
Shit, sorry. Go back to sleep
I'm awake now. Where are my dog pics?
I didn't think of that. I will take one next time
Good
I want to get a dog some day
You think you could have one even with your schedule and all the traveling?
I will pay someone to take care of the dog, I have money
Oh yeah, there are probably loads of different kinds of kennels to choose from
What kind of dog would you want?
I don't really know. Just someone who needs a home, someone to love them
That's kind of you. I don't know I would be a very good dog owner. Maybe I could get a cat
We will have shared custody over our dog, we're not getting a cat
It's a "we" now, huh?
Yes, I have decided. You will fall in love with me and fall in love with our dog
You seem pretty confident about that
I have decided to have faith in this
Alright
I need to go, I promised my dad I would help him with his crossword
Go, your father needs your brain

Shane

April 9, 2017 11:58 am Does anyone know you're gay?
Bisexual
But yes. Sveta, the guys I've fucked. Your friends now.
No one from your team?
No. I could tell Marlow, I know he would be okay with it
You think so?
Give me two minutes

Marlow

April 9, 2017 12:08 pm I like to suck dicks sometimes
I'm sure you're really good at that too #mycaptain
I am really good, yes

Shane

April 9, 2017 12:11 pm *Screenshot of the text thread with Marlow*
Damn okay
Why are you asking about coming out?
I was thinking about coming out to my parents
They don't know?
No, I was always too afraid. Even when I had a boyfriend, I never introduced him to them
I think I'm tired of hiding. I want them to know me
Are your parents good people?
They are! They have always been supportive of me and I know they are like fairly liberal politically speaking
Then they must be good about you too, yes?
I think so, but it's different when it's your own kid
It shouldn't be, not if they actually love you
Yeah
I think I'm going to tell them now or I'll chicken out
Good luck
Tell me how it goes

Shane

April 9, 2017 6:47 pm They were good
Good
We talked for hours. I cried a bit. I think I needed that, maybe
I'm really happy for you
You deserve supportive parents
Oh shit, I didn't even realize your father had just passed away and here I am talking about my parents
We don't have to if it's a touchy subject for you
My father was not a good man or a good father
I still want to hear you talk about your family
Okay, if you're sure
What do you want to know?
Anything. I will learn you by learning about what and who you love
Oh
Well, my mom is and has always been my number one supporter. She's the one that believed in me before I learned to do that myself. She's also my manager, which makes her very invested in my career. She knows more about hockey than I do, or at least she is somehow more emotionally invested than I am
My dad, even though he played in college, is not at the same level with the hockey obsession as my mom and I are. His idea of a good hockey game is one where everyone has fun. I mean, he's always been an Ottawa Centaurs fan, so that must have made him okay with enjoying hockey without all the winning
Is it hard to have your mother be your manager also?
Sometimes, yes, when she has her manager mode on when I just need my mom.
And she's the reason you are in all these commercials?
Yes, she is very adamant on me having some other source of income than just hockey, because unfortunately I can't do hockey forever
It's good. I like seeing your pretty face everywhere
I'm not pretty
??
Hollander that is
Wait let me google
That is blasphemous
Okay, now you're exaggerating
No, I would never lie about how pretty you are
You are the prettiest person I have ever seen and I have seen a lot of people
The word pretty sounds like an insult to me
Or at least people have been calling me that as an insult
I say it as a compliment
People insulting you for your looks have just been jealous that they will never look nearly as good as you
You do know you're also hot as hell
I know, but please tell me more about how hot you think I am
I don't think your ego needs that
Yes it does :( Hollander :( Tell me how sexy I am :( In detail please :(
I'm not doing that while sitting on the living room couch with my parents
Just telling me how hot I am will turn you on too much?
This is the best day of my life
I'm genuinely mortified please don't
You have a crush on me :) Are you blushing? :)
Shut the fuck up
Please be more mean it's turning me on
Fuck you
I'm going to go make dinner now
Learn how to behave
Keep talking like that, I'm getting hard

Shane

April 10, 2017 9:34 am Did I make you uncomfortable? I really didn't mean to, I am sorry
April 10, 2017 11:09 am Oh shit, you didn't
I was just in some pain and the meds I take immediately made me pass out, I just didn't see that
Good, I was getting worried. I don't want to cross any lines or anything
You don't need to worry about that
I like it
You do? How much?
Enough that I can give you a sneak peak of the photoshoot I had a few weeks ago

Shane
Shane
What the hell is this????
Give a warning next time
Fuckkkkk
I want to lick you
You are so gorjus
Georgus
Jorgus
Almost there
Gorjeus
You got this
Gorjous
Fuck this
Ur bad I want you
Yeah, I got that
But thank you
Fuck I have to go to practice I can't focus, I'll be thinking about you the whole time
Maybe thinking about me will make you play better
Since, you know, I'm the better player
I forgot, which one of us is in the playoffs?
The one that doesn't have a broken clavicle, asshole
Weak excuse
Go to your practice, Rozanov
So bossy

Marlow

April 10, 2017 2:32 pm Why are you glued to your phone?
Why are you texting me
You are sitting next to me
And you haven't been paying attention to anything I've said in the past five minutes
Are you waiting for someone's text or something
Mind your own fucking business
??? Dude are you in love
What are you talking about?
You are literally blushing, Roz
I don't blush
Russians do not do this
Fuck off
Bro you're like smitten
Like a glove?
No, smitten like having a crush, in love etc
So? Who it is? Is it someone I know?
I'm not answering any of your shit
Fine I'll just text Svetlana
Why the fuck do you even talk to Sveta???
She gives me dating advice and fashion tips. I tell gossip about you
Quid pro quo
She taught me that phrase too
I didn't know she spoke Spanish
Stop speaking to my friends
You don't have other friends than me and her
I have friends
Okay, who?
Shane
Shane who?
Hollander
That's funny
Not a joke
We're going to have a talk after practice

Shane

April 10, 2017 8:19 pm Are we friends?
Why are you asking me this?
I don't know
Marlow was on my ass about me having no other friends than him and Sveta and I said you were my friend
Okay. I think we are friends
Or at least I would like to be your friend
I think I would like that too
I would like to be a lot more than that, but I can work with friend for now
You're insatiable
Can you use easier words I'm too tired to google now
You're horny all the time
Most times, yes
Now I think I might just be a little lonely
Sorry
Do you want to talk about it?
I have people around me all the time, but I don't really feel connected to them. They don't know me, I don't know them
I am tired of people only seeing the version of me that's on the ice and nothing else
And maybe I get lost in that role too sometimes and forget I'm more than that
Can I call you?

Shane

April 11, 2017 8:56 am I slept like a baby
Thank you for phone call. It helped a lot
I'm glad
I can't really text today, I have uncle Shane duties
I thought you were an only child?
I am, that's just what the Pike kids call me
That's so fucking cute :( I love kids, I'm jealous :(
I have only been able to be an uncle in the summers
Your brother has a kid?
Yes, my niece Yelena. She's a good kid, funnier than me
That's cute
She's the only good thing about my brother
You don't get along with your brother?
I used to, when we were kids. Not anymore. We fought at my father's funeral
I'm not going back to Russia anymore. The only thing I regret about that is not seeing my niece anymore
Wait, you're never going back to Russia again?
Russia is not good for people like you and me
Yeah, but you're not going to come out, are you?
Not yet. But I'd like to, some day.
That's brave
I don't think I could do it, be the first to come out
I'm already "The Asian Hockey Player". I'm too exhausted to be the "Gay One" too
Maybe someone can be braver than both of us so we don't have to be the first
And who would that be?
Maybe Troy Barrett. I mean, he's gay but I don't know how brave he is
Barrett is a homophobe
Some really insecure gay people are homophobic
I don't think he's gay
I saw how he looked at you at last All-Stars Game. Trust me. He's gay
I'll leave you to live with that delusion, I gotta run, the Pikes are waiting
Have fun! I will miss you :(

The Interrogation Room

April 11, 2017 10:07 am Pike
Why are you so cruel :((
Hayden
What??
You stole Shane from me :((
Hayden
Dude what??
He is babysitting your kids :(
When he should actually be texting me :(
Jackie
Wow
I'm not blaming you, you are a wonderful mother and deserve a break from being with your children
The lesser Pike doesn't
JJ
I have not missed talking to you Rozanov
Shane being mean to me is much more fun. At least it's hot, you guys are just hurting my feelings :(
Hayden
Can you stop bothering me when I'm trying to spend alone time with my wife?
Rose
Ilya, are you in Boston currently?
Yeah
Rose
Are you doing anything rn?
Missing Shane
Rose
We are going out for brunch. I'm sending you the address
JJ
Guys, should we be afraid of these two meeting?
Rose
Yes
Yes

Shane

April 11, 2017 8:23 pm I was going to come here and say that parents are heroes for doing this every day but why the hell has Twitter exploded about you and Rose going on a brunch together
Care to explain??
I had brunch with Rose. It's not a secret
Yes but why?
We are friends
Since when?
Since she became the number one Hollanov shipper
A what?
She called dibs on the first speech at our wedding
Okay, so I need to do everything in my power that you two will never speak to each other again
She's my number two best friend now
Marly has been pushed to number three spot because he doesn't believe in true love
Sveta gets to keep the number one spot because she would murder me if I said otherwise
You know she's not in this conversation, how would she even find out
She's too powerful. She would just know
We should make sure she and Rose never meet. I think they would be too powerful together
Agreed
April 11, 2017 11:43 pm I fell asleep on my couch
And all I did was babysit three kids
Thank fuck their fourth one isn't born yet or I would've died
Do you want kids of your own?
I do, I think. Not yet, probably not before I'm retired. I would want to give time and attention to my kids
That's good. How many?
Maybe two? Or three? I wouldn't want only one kid, it gets a bit lonely
Do you wish you weren't an only child?
I don't know. Sometimes, yes. Not anymore, but when I was young
Sometimes I wish I was an only child
Oh
But my brother sucks because he's too much like my father. Your kids wouldn't suck because you're a good man
"My" kids? Not "our" kids?
You're obsessed with me
Okay, our kids might suck a bit because of me but I trust you will fix everything I fuck up
You're going to be a good dad, Ilya.
You're in love with me, aren't you?
Alright, good night, Ilya
Good night, my future husband <3

Shane

April 12, 2017 10:34 am Why did you start playing hockey?
Sorry, my mom is just in a nostalgic mood and is going on about how she knew from the first time I put on skates that I would be a superstar
Do you have pics of Tiny Shane on skates?
Yes, but I'm not showing you those
Fine, I'll ask your parents when I meet them
Can you answer my question?
It was something my mama loved and I was good at from the beginning
You were born with a hockey stick in your hands, yes?
No, but I don't remember a part of my life when I didn't love hockey more than any other thing
I know I love hockey in more intense way than other players do, I get reminded of that a lot
You are a hockey nerd, I know this. It's cute
Really? Most people think it's annoying
Most people are stupid as fuck
Okay. Thank you?
I need to go. Unfortunately I need to go practice so I can win the Cup again
My mom thinks Scott Hunter is taking it this year
Wasn't Mama Hollander supposed to be a hockey genius too?
The only cup Hunter is getting is one of those sippy cups elderly people use
Wow
My mom is always right, you'll see
She will see when I'm holding the Cup
Go and try to learn how to be a good hockey player for once
I want to bite you
And I'm the one that's obsessed with you?
I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you
Yes, yes. Go to to practice

Shane

April 12, 2017 8:34 pm I'm going to order something greasy and unhealthy and I'm going to enjoy it
I hate the last practices before playoffs because everyone is so pissed off all the time
And what, you're not?
No, I'm always nice and polite to my teammates
Uh-huh
I thought we were friends, why won't you believe me? :(
Tell me something more believable and I will
Okay
I think playing with you at All-Stars this year was the most fun I've ever had playing hockey
And I kind of wish there was a way we could play in the same team
Really?
Yes
I know what you mean. Playing with you felt easier than it has ever felt with anyone else
I think if we played in the same team, we would be unstoppable
No other team would ever win the Cup before our retirement
But I would never play for Boston
And Montreal would never have me
So I guess were never going to play for the same team then
Let me dream in peace, Hollander
Sure
Speaking of dreaming, I really need to go to sleep
:( Good night
Good night, Ilya :)

Shane

April 13, 2017 2:12 pm You haven't messaged me once today, you still can't be asleep, right?
April 13, 2017 4:29 pm It's really boring without you

Svetlana

April 13, 2017 5:09 pm I'm thinking of you and your mama today
I love you

Shane

April 13, 2017 7:59 pm I hope I didn't do anything wrong
April 13, 2017 10:02 pm Seriously, are you okay?
Maybe you're busy, I guess I just got used to you texting me every day and I'm getting worried for no reason
April 13, 201711:34 pm I'm going to sleep now. I missed you today. I hope you're okay
April 14, 20171:59 am Sorry for making you worry
Shit, Ilya, are you okay?
Go back to sleep, Hollander
I'm awake now
Can I call you?
OK

Shane

April 14, 2017 8:58 am Thank you
And sorry for not texting yesterday
You were going through something, it's alright
I'm glad I was of some help, at least
You were <3

Shane and his besties

April 14, 2017 9:12 am Shane
SOS
HELP
JJ
Is everything alright?
Shane
No!!!
Jackie
What's going on?
Shane
Ilya is what's going on
Hayden
What did he do now?
 Shane
He made me like him
Rose
This is your dire emergency?
Gay people are insufferable
Shane
I genuinely like him
In a "I want to date him and have his babies" kind of way
Rose
Oh?
Shane
This is your fault
Rose
This is me being the mastermind behind the greatest love story of the century but sure
Shane
It's been only a week of texting him and I'm already feeling like this
This makes zero sense
Jackie
It's the soulmateism, we don't make the rules. The universe does
JJ
And you've kind of had a crush on him since your rookie year, if we're being real
Shane
I can't even deny that anymore
I'm so fucked