Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Character:

Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Anxious Shane Hollander, Bottom Shane Hollander, Sexual Repression, Sexuality Crisis, Shane Hollander Has a Dildo, Well not technically but I guess he will soon, No Spoilers for Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers)

Language:

English

Series:

Part 4 of SnailyMaily HR fics

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-01 Words: 1,302 Chapters: 1/1

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Summary

What kind of dildo did he want? Should it have some kind of texture? Or would it be better to go for something smooth and sleek? Would that make it easier? What colour should it be? Is it gayer if his dildo has balls? He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Okay. What the fuck am I doing?

Or: Shane Hollander, who is definitely still straight, attempts to buy a dildo. For research purposes of course.

Just a silly mini oneshot of our boy Shane being his neurotic self :)

Notes

Shane wrings his fingers out and gives his head a quick shake. He can do this. He is a grown man in control of his own life. A life which is currently putting him on a fast-track to the hockey hall of fame if ESPN is to be believed. He has adult money (plenty of it) and he can spend it on whatever he wants. And it's not like this is against the rules - it's not like he’s eating fried chicken for gods sake!

He opens his laptop and, before he has time to change his mind again, types “dildo” in his private browser tab.

He is met with pages of results: “Buy Sex Toys Online | Discrete Delivery”, “Dildos | Adult Toys”, “Dildos and Plugs | Free Delivery”. He looks around to check that no one is somehow looking over his shoulder in his completely empty apartment and clicks the first link. He nearly slams the lid shut as he is met with images of synthetic phalluses in all different colours.

How are there this many different types? Shane is pretty sure that real dicks don’t come in this level of variety. Not that he has been looking. Some of these don’t even look like dicks, just some kind of weird curved silicone probe. He gulps down his panic and scrolls.

He hadn’t realised he would have so much choice. Oh fuck – what kind of dildo did he want? Should it have some kind of texture? Or would it be better to go for something smooth and sleek? Would that make it easier? What colour should it be? Is it gayer if his dildo has balls? He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Okay. What the fuck am I doing?

It had been nearly three months since that night with Rozanov in Toronto, but he hadn’t managed to get it out of his head. The way his broad shoulders had caught the dim light in his hotel room. The way his strong hands guided their mouths together. How his tongue felt brushing against his. How his dick had felt pressing against his throat. How he’d imagined what it might feel like pressing into his ass instead – fuck. His stomach did that weird flip again.

Wanting something in your ass doesn’t make you gay – Shane had checked. But he couldn’t want his rival’s dick in his ass. That definitely could be seen as gay, you know, by people who didn’t know how straight he was. And besides, it was probably just curiosity. Yes, that was why he was here. He just wanted to try it to get rid of this weird twist that had been in his stomach since Toronto. That’s right. He would give it a go, probably realise he didn’t like it anyway, and then throw away whatever dildo he’d picked and never think about Rozanov splitting him open again.

He exhales and opens his eyes. Okay. If he wanted to know if he’d like a dick in his ass he should probably get one that looked like a dick. That would clear it up fair and square.

He scrolls back to the top and clicks “realistic dildos”. This was better. No scary looking tentacle things and no weird phallic-adjacent sculptures. Some of these are so realistic they could have been chopped off a real man – if that man was bright pink and made of plastic. Looking further, some were even flesh coloured too. Maybe that was a step too far? He clicks on a purple one.

“Classic Suction Cup Luxe Silicone Realistic Dildo 7 inch” – the description explains the benefits of the high-grade silicone and the “hands-free pleasure experience” of the suction cup design. Apparently the gentle curve design and “bulbous head” were perfect for “stimulating pleasure spots for the ultimate solo play”. Shane shudders.

7 inches, was that too much? How big even was 7 inches? He had measured himself once but hadn’t thought about it in the context of something like that being inside him. He has a measuring tape somewhere from a suit fitting he had last week. He stands to fetch it, deciding at the last second to quickly close his laptop just in case everyone he has ever met magically appears in his kitchen during the 20 seconds it takes to jog to his bedroom and back. He returns quickly and unfurls the measuring tape onto the lid of his laptop. 7 inches. He places his left index finger on the 0 and his right on the 7. God. Could he really fit something like that up there? His stomach flips again.

He decides to read the reviews. Maybe someone could tell him it was a terrible idea and he could close the tab and never think about it again. He opens his laptop and scrolls down.

“★★★★★ Obsessed with this! Only had it for a month but it hits all the right spots. Sorry to my neighbours!”, “★★★★★ Love the colour and the girth is not too much for beginners. Gets deep enough to hit those sweet spots that make me moan and shake” – Jesus Christ people just go on the internet and say these things?? – “★★★★★ Perfect for everyday use. My husband chose her because he liked the colour. She grips on to walls, floors, you name it, and she feels so good” – why would a dildo be a girl? These people make no sense – “★★★★★ Fun dildo for everyday anal play...” – okay this could be useful – “...The size is just right to get a nice stretch without being too big. Quite firm silicone, which means you can pound it as hard as you like. The curve is great for hitting the prostate and it feels really good to deepthroat it too” – oh my god! Shane looks down at his tented running shorts, images of that night in Toronto flashing in his brain.

He rereads the words again. Nice stretch. Pound it as hard as you like. He’s breathing hard, his face flushed. Calm down Hollander. This is just for research, just to get all this nonsense out of your system so you can focus on hockey and stop thinking about Rozanov’s dick. Ugh, Rozanov’s dick. That felt really good to deepthroat. He wonders if he could pound that as hard as hard as he liked. Would it curve just right to hit his prostate. What the fuck??? When had he started stroking his cock?

Okay this is getting ridiculous. He puts his dick away and scrolls back to the top of the page to click “add to cart”. A pop-up suggests he might also like some bullet-looking thing and a bottle of lube. He’s not into guns, but the lube sounds like a good idea. It is apparently compatible with “condoms and silicone toys”, hypoallergenic, and suitable for “vaginal and anal play”. Okay great. He could try it the next time he brought a girl over. He’d make sure to hide the dildo first of course. He adds a bottle to his cart.

Shane sits staring at his cart for a minute. He can do this right? It’s just a dildo, loads of people have those. Loads of straight people have those. Just hitting checkout won’t make him gay. He takes a deep breath and completes the order. Fuck. He closes the tab and deletes the confirmation email that comes through a second later.

After a beat, he opens up PornHub and clicks on the first video he sees. It’s some girl with huge fake tits giving a ridiculously well-endowed man a sloppy blowjob. Shane goes to his bedroom to jerk off like a very normal very straight teenager. He definitely doesn’t picture himself as the girl in the video at all, and doesn’t imagine that the cock in frame belongs to any Russian hockey players.