Rating:

Not Rated

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Svetlana Vetrova, Hayden Pike, Rose Landry, Yuna Hollander, David Hollander, Troy Barrett, Jackie Pike

Additional Tags:

Ilya Rozanov Was Never a Professional Hockey Player, Retired Hockey Player Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Hockey Player Shane Hollander, Anxious Ilya Rozanov, Anxious Shane Hollander, Career Ending Injuries, Past Abuse, Depressed Ilya Rozanov, Self-Hatred, Self-Esteem Issues, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Pain, Major Character Injury, Permanent Injury, Injury, Injury Recovery, Ilya Rozanov Needs A Hug, Soft Shane Hollander, Soft Ilya Rozanov, Ilya was never drafted, Ilya never made it to NHL, Little League Coach Ilya, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hockey Injuries, Blood and Injury, Hockey Fights

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-23 Updated: 2026-08-12 Words: 101,090 Chapters: 14/16

Mr. Facilities Tech

Summary

Ilya was barely back from the World Juniors and had barely met Shane Hollander when his hockey career was taken from him. He was so close to escaping everything in Russia, only to be caught by his brother, ruined by his father, and forced to marry Svetlana to escape.

Now he's finally on his own, with his shitty studio apartment, his shitty job as a facilities tech in the Raider's Stadium, and his overall shitty life. Nothing could get worse from here, and he has no reason to think it'll get better. Until he runs into Shane fucking Hollander while smoking behind a club, maybe he could get a second chance with the man he's been secretly crushing on for years?

Notes

My second HR fic the story came to me and i had to get it out so here we are lmao. Chapter 2 will be out pretty soon as its like half done already. This one will have a bit less of a consistent schedule than my other current fic, at least until that one is finished, but will be fully finished (might be extended as well we'll see).

Some important background for this is it takes place start of 2016 season, so no one is out, and Shane and Rose have already dated and broken up. Shane has realized he's gay in his relationship with Rose but hasn't really acted on it a lot, still close friends with Rose and is trying to get out there, discreetly.

Chapter 1: Second Chances

Ilya’s knee was killing him. He should have just stayed home tonight.

The music was pounding, he felt like he could feel the vibrations in his stupid knee. The lights were blinding when they came around the room into his eyes. He pushed his way through the throng of bodies dancing and made his way to the back exit.

He needed a smoke.

After taking a minute to light his cig, Ilya took a few puffs and leaned back against the wall. Sveta had left the bar probably a half hour or so ago, with some tall blonde and a wild look in her eyes. Ilya would call her for the details in the morning; he was curious what the blonde had been packing.

He should have left when she did, but he had been talking to a brunette with nice cheekbones, and for a moment, Ilya thought maybe he would take her home. It had been too long for him, and the only reason he was really out tonight was for a fuck, he needed the release. The brunette had ended up leaving with her boyfriend, and Ilya narrowly avoided some confrontation there by slipping into the dancefloor crowd.

He wasn’t even sure why he really bothered coming out anymore. He had always loved sex but lately it just left him feeling empty afterward. It was no longer fun slipping out of someone’s bed after they fell asleep; now he just felt used.

Not that anyone would want anything more than sex from Ilya, it was really all he had left that he was good at. Sometimes he considered just quitting his stupid, glorified janitor job and becoming a stripper; he bet the money would be better.

His cigarette was half burned out. He was about to step out and make his walk home when the door opened, and another man stepped out.

He had shorter black hair, the most beautiful brown eyes Ilya had ever seen, and the most stunning freckles across his cheeks and nose. Ilya had never expected to see the most beautiful man in the world again. It had been years since the last time, a lifetime ago.

Surely Shane Hollander, Canada’s Golden Boy and star center for the Metros, would not remember the chance encounter a lot like this one the two had shared outside a rink in Regina. For a second, Ilya was too stunned to speak. What fucking twist of fate was giving him a chance to speak to Hollander again?

Shane looked surprised to see someone out here, in the cold, damp alley of the Boston club. For a moment, he just stood there, opposite Ilya. His eyes raked over Ilya’s features quickly. Ilya clocked Shane checking him out, even though he was trying to be discreet. Interesting.

Shane moved to lean on the wall next to Ilya. Ilya took another drag and searched his mind for something charming to say, something to make Shane interested in him for just a moment. He was contemplating his opening line when-

“You’re not supposed to smoke out here.” Hollander’s beautiful voice filled the alley. It was more mature than the last time Ilya had heard it in person, and more beautiful in person than on TV in those stupid press interviews all of the players did.

Ilya broke into a laugh; he couldn’t believe this was happening. Hollander was saying the same fucking line, and there was no way he recognized Ilya. Why would he? One meeting at the last game of Ilya’s hockey career, before Ilya disappeared from hockey, before he disappeared from himself.

Ilya turned to look at Shane, and he could see the slightest sparkle in those soft brown eyes. He wanted to make them shine.

“Oh, is that what stupid sign means? Good to know.” Ilya took another drag.

Shane’s eyes did light up a bit more, and he laughed softly. “Not much of a rule follower are you?”

Ilya took a slight step closer, entering Hollander’s space. It was a risk, Ilya hoped he wouldn't regret it when he said, “Maybe I like trouble.”

Hollander’s breath hitched slightly. Ilya took another step closer, feeling bold. He brushed a finger across Shane’s cheeks. Shane looked surprised at the gesture, but didn’t move away. Actually, Ilya thought he had leaned into the touch some, interesting. “I also like beautiful men with gorgeous freckles. Although I am thinking maybe they are the same.” Shane’s cheeks and ears were now becoming pink.

Shane pulled back quickly, realizing that he was in public. He had just come out here to breathe. He couldn’t take another minute in that stupid club, with girls trying to throw themselves at him, and his teammates' eyes on him. He really didn’t want to feel like he had to leave with one of those women. He had made a plan for the next time he felt pressured to take a girl home, he would simply drop her off and complain of a headache, so he wouldn’t have to do anything. A good plan.

He came out here to escape for a moment, to hope he could avoid some of the women and slip back in, make another round through the team, and slip out. He knew as captain he should be leading the charge for the team outings, but this was never his scene, and he really didn’t want to watch his teammates slobber over women way out of their league, and then bitch about the women when no one will go home with them.

He wanted to stay in this alley, looking at this beautiful man with an accent Shane can’t quite place. He regretted pulling away, he wanted the man to touch him again.

Not here. Too public.

“I-” Shane stuttered, how could he get more?

“You? What? What does this beautiful man want?” Ilya’s accent felt thicker; he could see the want in Shane’s eyes. He knew he had a chance for at least a night with this beautiful man, the man Ilya had been secretly crushing on for years, who had somehow ended up in a Boston club alley right as Ilya was about to leave.

“I want you.” Shane’s voice was soft; he looked down when he spoke, “Not here, though. No one knows that I- No one can know that-”

“Shhh. Do not stress, we do not want lines on that beautiful face. Give me your phone.”

“My, what?”

“Phone H- Handsome,” Ilya almost called him Hollander, but he didn’t want to give away that he recognized Shane, if he hadn’t somehow already. Shane clearly didn’t recognize him, and of course, he wouldn’t. Ilya reached out his own phone and went to give it to Shane, “You have phone number, no? You can tell me where to meet you.”

“Um yeah, okay.” Shane took Ilya’s phone and passed his own to Ilya. “Shane.” Shane said his name so softly, like he was embarrassed of it for some reason. “Shane, pretty. I’m Ilya.”

“Ilya.” Shane said, testing the name out on his tongue. “I can’t have Ilya in my phone probably, if someone saw-”

Ilya cut him off, “Will be something else in your phone. Will make your name different in mine too. I can be very discreet Shane, no one needs to know.” Some tension that had been pulling Shane’s shoulders up slowly seemed to ease. Ilya created his contact in Shane’s phone and passed it back to him, with the Lily contact still on the screen.

Shane huffed a laughed, “Very original.”

“And what did you make your name?” Shane nervously passed Ilya his phone back, the ‘Jane’ contact still on the screen.

Ilya laughed, “And you judged me, mine was much better.”
Shane’s eyes sparkled a bit more at the chirp, “Sure it was.” He looked towards the door.

“My team will probably start looking for me soon. I should get back in there.”

“Da. Okay.”

“It was nice to meet you,” Shane spoke softly, looking down at his shoes. Ilya thought he was adorable. How was he this adorable in real life?

“Da. Nice to meet you, too, Shane.” He threw Shane a wink as Shane slipped through the door back into the club. Ilya ashed his cigarette and put the roach in his pocket and just stood there next to the no-smoking sign where he was reunited with Shane fucking Hollander after what? Seven or eight years or something?

Ilya’s mind raced the entire walk home. He was in a half-daze entering his small studio apartment. His apartment was basically one large room, he had attempted to divide into spaces through thrifted furniture. He had a projector on one wall; his bed faced it, a small couch in front of his bed. He had a small rug, a coffee table, and a small bookshelf. A record player and holder in one corner of the room. A small kitchen table in front of his cabinets and a small kitchen. Everything was worn, old, and owned by someone before Ilya. Down to Ilya’s clothes. But the apartment felt cozy, he had filled it with stuff and tried to decorate it the best he could. It was not much, but it was nicer than most would have expected from him, probably.

He wondered where Shane lived. Probably some mansion in Montreal. The idea of bringing Shane here, of Shane seeing this was laughable. He would take one look and fucking bolt, go to some cocktail lounge and pick up some rich gentleman who could actually afford to take him to dinner.

The whole thing felt like some cosmic joke. Why have him meet Shane again? Why make him want something so impossible? Ilya knew it was stupid; it was so fucking stupid. Shane wouldn’t want to be with Ilya or date him or anything, but…

Shane clearly was interested in at least one thing from Ilya.

If that was all Ilya could get with Shane, he would greedily take it.

He sent the text and prayed it would get a response.

Shane was just settling into bed, he had gotten back to his hotel after the club and felt exhausted but also wired. He had gotten a man’s phone number. A gorgeous man. A fucking adonis of a man had given Shane his phone number. A man who it seemed like had no idea who Shane was, but felt familiar for some reason. Who wanted Shane. Who wanted to see Shane again. Shane rolled over and thought about something to send this Ilya person, who had seemed so confident and definitely experienced from the vibe Shane had gotten.
Then his phone dinged.

Lily: When can I see you Jane?

Shane blushed, he looked over to make sure Hayden was asleep. Which was stupid because Ilya’s name wasn’t even in his phone, in fact it would look like Shane was texting a girl.

He didn’t have somewhere to meet Ilya, he realized quickly. Fuck. He couldn’t take Ilya back to this shared room, he wouldn’t even risk bringing Ilya to this same hotel.

He remembered a conversation he had with Rose a few weeks ago. He was thankful they had managed to actually stay friends after everything that had happened between them. They had met at a bar last year while she was shooting in Montreal, and Shane had tried so hard to be with her, but ultimately she helped him realize he was gay, and they agreed to stay actual friends. She was the only one who knew about his trip to Spain over the summer.

Rose had mentioned that if Shane was going to try to actually be gay with a man outside of secret European hookups, he would need a plan; she suggested just renting a different hotel room. Shane could do that. Within the next ten minutes, he had booked a hotel a few blocks from his.

Jane: -Address- Meet here at 9:00 tomorrow. Room 1410.

Lily: See you then.

Chapter 2: The First Time

Chapter Notes

Two chapters in one day cause I could not stop oops- please enjoy and let me know what you think!

Ilyas alarm was blaring through his apartment. He rolled over and swiped the alarm off without even looking at his stupid old cracked phone. He hadn’t thought much about it last night when he passed it to Shane, but was thinking about holding Shane’s new phone in his hands. He may have warned Shane to be careful. Ilya had learned to avoid the edges of glass on his phone, but Shane could’ve nicked himself.

What had Shane thought, holding Ilya’s 5-year-old phone that barely fucking worked? Had he cared? Probably. His was perfect. Newest, nicest model. No case. Like if he dropped it, he would just replace it. Wouldn’t that be fucking nice?

Ilya struggled through his morning; he had spent too long massaging his knee before he could get up. Then he took too long making a shitty protein shake and grabbing a banana before walking to the “T” to get to the stadium for work.

He went on autopilot as he walked into the shitty staff locker room, put his jeans in his locker and grabbed one of the clean overalls from the rack, they had multiple sets that were cleaned by the last person here each day and the ones from the day prior were re-hung cleaned, pulling it on and zipping it up until you could just barely see the black t shirt he was wearing.

He went through the motions of his given schedule, cleaning the visiting locker room quickly, he was thankful to have just been finishing when the first Metros trickled in, and none of them were Shane. He hurried out, thankful not to have been seen by Shane.

He risked a view of Shane from up high in the stands. He was cleaning some of the suites, far from the ice, but he could see Shane down there. He was beautiful when he moved on the ice. He looked strong, powerful, like he could do anything.

Ilya used to look like that on the ice. He used to be powerful; he had felt beautiful, like he could do anything. And now he was cleaning what he hoped wasn’t vomit off a chair in a suite that cost more than his rent. Fuck his life.

He tried to stay as hidden as possible until his shift ended, just before the game started. He was thankful to be part of the before crew today. He made it home in time for the pre-game announcers to just be starting. He turned on his speakers and projector and started the game's coverage. He split a streaming service that covered sports with Sveta. She had tried to just pay for it herself at first, but Ilya refused. She had already done too much for him, he wouldn’t take more from her.

He let the pre-game coverage fill his tiny apartment while he showered then dressed, making himself as presentable as possible for Shane later. He should have gone to the gym after work, but he really wanted to watch the game tonight.

He settled onto his small couch, really more of a love seat, and started the game. He made himself ramen at the start of the second. It was a close game at first, but Ilya could tell Montreal had it. Shane was skating like a man on a mission.

Ilya had tried to catch a few of Shane’s games every season; he liked watching the man who would have been his rival. At first, he watched because he wanted to critique Shane, tell himself what he would have done better. But after the second year out of hockey, he just started admiring the way Shane moved on the ice. Ilya sometimes liked to imagine he really was Shane’s rival on the ice, make up taunts he would have given at face-offs to throw Hollander off his perfect game. The way Shane skated was on another level, higher than anyone in the MLH. He was untouchable.

Ilya had been jealous of it over the years, but the jealousy had shifted from something hot and all-consuming to something that simmered so low he could hide it pretty easily now. He and Sveta were now able to watch the games and compare stats without Ilya losing his head or spending the night crying in his apartment after. It still hurt sometimes, and sometimes he did end up crying in the shower after watching a game at the bar, but on the whole, he was better.

Tonight, he felt better as he watched Shane dominate the ice. Shane made the final goal of the game, his 3rd fo Montreal, bringing himself a hat trick. Ilya hadn’t heard from him since yesterday and would have congratulated him, but he still wasn’t sure if Shane wanted him to know who Shane was. Given how skittish he seemed, probably not.

Sometime around 8:30, Ilya was half-listening to the post-game analysis but mostly spiraling about meeting Shane, if he was still meeting Shane. Would Shane just ghost him? Probably.
Why wouldn’t he? Ilya was a nobody who cleaned one of the stadiums Shane made millions skating in.

He was mid-spiral when his phone buzzed.

Jane: See you in 30?

Ilya’s heart skipped a beat. He held his breath as he typed his reply.

Lily: See you in 30.

Ilya found his way to the hotel Shane had sent him the address of and made his way to the 14th floor, room 1410. He knocked twice.

The door opened, and Ilya pushed inside, closing it behind him. Shane stood a few feet away from him; Ilya could practically feel the nerves radiating off of him. Ilya took a step forward, “Nice room.”

Shane fidgeted with his hands, “Thanks, um.” He cleared his throat and looked at his hands, “Thanks for coming.”

Ilya stepped slowly into Shane’s space, slowly filling it until they were standing almost pressed against each other, Shane’s back to the wall. “Thank you for inviting me. You look very pretty today.”

He reached out slowly, giving Shane every chance to slip away and out of Ilya’s touch, out of Ilya’s reach, but Shane stayed. This time, he did lean in fully to Ilya’s touch as Ilya grazed his knuckles across Shane’s soft cheeks. He wished he had softer hands; his hands were probably too rough for such a gesture, but he couldn’t resist touching those beautiful freckles. He slid his hand down to cup Shane’s jaw, then pulled his mouth up and captured it with a deep kiss. The kiss Ilya had dreamed of giving Shane late at night when he was living in his fantasies while trying to fall asleep.

Shane kissed him back just as furiously, just as hungrily as Ilya was kissing him. Then Shane moved Ilya to be the one against the wall. The move surprised Ilya; he hadn’t expected Shane to take any charge, but welcomed being pressed up against the wall, kissed by this beautiful, strong man.
Shane sank to his knees and looked up to Ilya for permission, hands on the clasp of Ilya’s jeans. Ilya gave him a slow nod and Shane was taking off Ilya’s jeans and boxers until all of Ilya was infront of Shane. Shane reached a hand up and so tantalizingly slowly ran it down the length of Ilya’s cock. Then pulled Ilya into his mouth.

Ilya gasped at the sensation of Shane’s perfect mouth around his cock, Shane started with slow movements, taking Ilya deeper each time. Ilya was losing himself in the sensation, feeling himself come to the edge. He quickly found his voice, “Ah- Stop Shane.” Shane pulled off quickly, a panic entering his eyes.

“Sorry, was that not good? Did you not-”

“Shhh- Shane, no was too good. Too good too fast.” Ilya’s breath was heavy as he spoke.

He pulled Shane back up by his jaw and began kissing him again, softer this time, before leading Shane to the bed. Ilya removed the rest of his clothes and watched Shane do the same. Whereas Ilya had just left his on the hotel floor, Shane had folded his and put them on the hotel dresser. Ilya found the action fucking adorable. They both lay down, and Ilya turned to face Shane.

“Have you ever been with a man?” Shane nodded; it had only been twice, and neither time was that great, but it was definitely better than any girl he had ever been with. Sorry Rose.

“Do you want?” Ilya asked softly, and Shane nodded.

“Nyet, Shane. I need your words.” Ilya reached out to brush a finger over Shane’s freckles again; they had never gotten so much attention, Shane thought.

“I want you to fuck me, please Ilya.” Shane almost whined, he had never felt this much wanting for someone, he had never needed to be fucked so badly by one person. Ilya had consumed his thoughts since last night, every goal he made tonight he made pretending it was for Ilya, that Ilya was watching and cheering for him.

Ilya moved to pull Shane into him, kissing him again before moving to trail kisses down Shane’s jaw, his neck, his chest. He pulled one of Shane’s nipples into his mouth, teething and sucking until Shane half gasped, “Fuck, Ilya.”

Ilya continued his trail of kisses down until he was pulling Shane’s cock into his mouth. He moved his tongue slowly, playing with the tip until Shane was muttering a string of curses.

Ilya pulled off, “Such a dirty mouth,” and pulled off Shane entirely, leaving the bed to get the supplies left in his jean pocket. Shane let out an honest to god fucking whine when Ilya left the bed. It made Ilya’s heart clench to have Shane want him so badly, to whine to lose his presence.

“I will be back, Shane, do not worry.” Ilya quickly grabbed his supplies and came back to the bed, straddling Shane on his return, condom and lube packets in one hand.

“I will take care you Shane, make you feel so good.” Ilya brushed a hand over Shane’s chest, playing with his nipple and pressing kisses again down his chest. He moved down the bed and began to trail a finger slowly around Shane’s hole, before going any further Ilya looked up, eyes meeting Shane’s whose brown eyes are so hazy he seems almost lost in his lust for Ilya. It fills Ilya even further with desire.

“You are sure?” Ilya asks softly.

“Fuck, Ilya. Yes, please just fucking fuck me already. I need you inside me.” Shane spoke through heavy breaths as Ilya teased him further.

Ilya began to open Shane up, prepping him with such care. Neither of the other guys had taken this much care with Shane. He really liked how different Ilya was, how special Ilya was, how he made him feel.

Ilya made quick work with the condom and lube, and then, slowly, tantalizingly slowly, Shane thought, Ilya entered him.

Shane’s whole world felt shifted, all he could focus on was the feeling of Ilya inside him, the warmth spreading from his core and filling every part of his body. Ilya began to move, thrusting slowly into, rolling his hips, and going deeper with each thrust until Shane was seeing stars.

Shane felt himself coming closer and closer to the edge with each move Ilya made. Ilya had started to move faster and then slowly reached out and took Shane’s cock in his hand. Shane gasped out, “Fuck, I’m so close, Ilya, so- fuck.” Ilya began to stroke Shane’s dick, using Shane’s own precum as a lube as he stroked Shane’s dick in time with his thrusts.

Normally, Shane would have found this probably gross, but with Ilya, this was possibly the hottest thing he had ever seen, ever been a part of. Shane felt his orgasm explode through him, he felt it every part of his body, he felt so undone he wasn’t even sure he existed for the moments after. Ilya had rested against Shane, having come himself but still inside Shane. Like he didn’t want to leave, Shane didn’t want him to.

Nothing had ever felt like that, Shane had never felt so safe to completely lose himself with someone, but with Ilya, an almost total stranger, he had. Breathing heavily, relishing the feeling of Ilya on his chest, Shane knew he wanted more from him.

He wondered if Ilya would want more, but Shane knew he needed this again, even if it was all he could get from Ilya.

What was even Ilya’s last name, the man had given him the best sex of his life and Shane didn’t even know his last name.

Ilya slowly began to move, pulling himself out of Shane. Shane was honestly sad for him too, it was weird how much he had just wanted to stay there forever. Ilya got of the bed, Shane was scared he was just going to leave but he came back with a warm washcloth and began cleaning Shane off slowly, again Shane was amazed by the care Ilya was taking with him.

Ilya left to put the washcloths in the shower and then came back towards the bed, he hovered there for a moment, at the foot of the bed. Like he wasn’t sure what to do next. Shane lifted an arm towards him and apparently that was all Ilya needed before getting back in bed, and nestling himself around Shane.

Shane realized that neither had spoken. He wasn’t sure what to say, he tried though, “That was, I’ve never had it be like that before, I mean.”

He felt Ilya tense around him, “Was it okay?” Ilya’s voice was smaller than it was earlier. Shane was quick to reply, “That was probably the best I’ve ever-” Ilya laughed, “Only probably.” Shane felt himself grin, he was glad Ilya couldn’t see his face from the way they were lying, it was probably red. “Definitely,” Shane replied softly.

Ilya pressed a kiss to the back of Shane’s neck, “Was probably best for me too, Shane.” Shane laughed a bit, “Only probably?” He asked, parroting Ilya. Ilya kissed his neck again, “Mmm, yes, probably, maybe definitely.” This made Shane laugh again. Ilya loved the sound.

Shane twisted to face Ilya, “What’s your last name?” he asked, and he watched panic fill those blue eyes he kept losing himself in. Shane wondered why that question seemed to scare Ilya.

Ilya debated lying for a moment, because what if Shane recognized his name and never wanted to speak to him again? What if Shane realized he had just been fucked by the once-great hockey player Ilya Rozanov? What if he pitied him? Obviously, Ilya wasn’t playing anymore. Ilya knew he was being stupid; it was years ago. Shane wouldn’t remember; there was no way.

“Rozanov,” Ilya answered quietly, his eyes came up to search Shane’s for something; the name did feel familiar for some reason. Shane wasn’t sure why.

It didn’t seem like Shane recognized him. Ilya wanted to push his luck; he thought it felt only fair for Shane to tell him his last name, even though Ilya knew it already. It would be nice not to slip up with knowing something about Shane, that he wasn’t supposed to for a stranger, and he had almost called him by it earlier. “What is yours?” Ilya asked softly and watched Shane’s eyes light up for a moment, maybe because Ilya had pretended not to know him. It made Ilya feel bad, but he loved seeing Shane’s face like this. He couldn’t believe he was in a bed with Shane Hollander, making his face light up. He wanted to have it again, to never leave. Would Shane maybe stay the night with him?

“Hollander,” Shane said softly.
He looked a bit tired. He had just crushed the Raiders in a hockey game, and had ‘probably’ the best sex of his life, apparently, after. Maybe Shane would want to actually sleep with Ilya, too. Ilya didn’t have work until 8, he could stay until 7, probably, hopefully.

“Hollander,” Ilya said the name like Shane had said his first name the night prior, testing it out like it was the first time rolling off his tongue. Like he hadn’t defended Hollander’s stats to Sveta a hundred times. Holy fuck, he was really in bed with Shane Hollander. This was insane.

Ilya decided to be bold; maybe Shane would want a full night with him, maybe Ilya could have this if he was brave enough to ask. Or he would be kicked out and forced to go back to being with Shane only in his head. He had to try.

“You seem tired, Hollander. Should I go?” That wasn’t really how Ilya had wanted to ask but-

“Can you stay?” Shane’s voice was quiet; he looked down, not meeting Ilya’s eyes. Ilya pulled his jaw up and kissed him. Shane wanted him to stay. He was going to spend the night with Shane. “Da. I have to leave at 7, but I can stay.” Shane smiled at him, “That’s perfect, I have to fly back out for work early and need to leave at 7 too. Shane moved to get off the bed, went and found his phone. Ilya watched him start to set an alarm for 6:30, “If you make it 6:00, we can take a shower, if you want.” Shane sat back on the bed and set the alarm for 6:00, so that Ilya could see.

Shane set his phone down, and Ilya pulled Shane back into his chest. Shane had never fallen asleep faster, safe and warm in Ilya’s arms.

Suddenly, an alarm was going off, and someone was kissing the back of Shane’s neck. Right, Ilya. Ilya was kissing him awake. Shane reached out clumsily for his phone and swiped the alarm off. Ilya was pulling Shane up and into the shower. The shower started slowly, but Shane felt almost boneless again by the end. He didn’t want to end this. Fuck, and he wouldn’t be back in Boston for another three weeks. He was suddenly thankful he had more games scheduled in Boston this season than normal.

Ilya was pulling on his discarded clothes from yesterday, and Shane was grabbing his from where he had left them folded on the dresser. Shane needed to ask; he had to hope to see Ilya again. “I won’t be back in town for work again for another three weeks, but maybe we could do this again or something?” Shane asked as he pulled his clothes on.

Ilya nodded, “Da. I would like that, Hollander, you will text me, yes?” Shane nodded. Ilya pulled him in for a final kiss. “I should go first, will see you in three weeks, Shane,” Ilya gave him one more kiss on the forehead, “Don’t wait that long to text me though.” Shane didn’t want him to leave, but Ilya was already slipping through the door. Shane had a flight to catch, a game to play tomorrow, and he needed to get back to his life. But god, did he want to stay here with Ilya.

Three weeks. Shane could do three weeks.

Chapter End Notes

Not the most confident smut writer but I hope yall enjoy- next chapter will be more plot heavy lol but really wanted to establish their vibe and write this first time scene for them :)

also editing could have been more lol sorry for any mistakes :)

Chapter 3: Not a One-Time Thing

Chapter Notes

Tea is brewing- please enjoy this one and let me know what you think comments fuel me lmao

Lily: Hope you had a safe flight Hollander

Ilya stared at the text sent almost two days ago. Of course, Shane wouldn’t respond. Of course, it wasn’t actually going to be more than a one-time thing. Ilya got a glimpse at the dream, a glimpse at being with Shane Hollander, and he was just going to have to treasure the memories of him.

Ilya was thinking only about Shane as he cooked dinner from one of the stools he had. Today, his knee was absolutely killing him. He ended up covering a shift and working a double yesterday, which normally would've only caused a bit of irritation, but the fact that he had spent an hour on his knees scrubbing what was definitely vomit this time, off multiple cheap seats, as someone had projectiled. God, Ilya hated hockey fans sometimes.

He wondered what it would be like to have these people in the stands, apparently drinking themselves sick, cheering for him. To have his name on their jerseys.

So lost in thought over the life he could be living, Ilya didn’t notice his hand too close to the pot when he went to stir the vegetables in there. Ilya jumped back from the burn, cursing himself, and immediately went to run his hand under the cold water, hoping the burn wouldn’t affect him at work this week.

Such a fucking idiot, Ilya thought to himself as he rinsed the burn, wondering if he had any ice left in the freezer to help. He might have some ice cream cones in the back that could help. Ilya was still cursing himself as he fished one of the icecreams out of the freezer and pressed it to his hand.

Suddenly, his father’s voice was in his head, overriding Ilya’s own curses at himself for being so careless. Weak, pathetic boy. Cannot even cook dinner for yourself, such an embarrassment to me. Stupid child- a nothing taking up space. Such a waste of my efforts, my greatest shame is you.

Ilya found himself on the floor of his kitchen, tears pooling in his eyes.

Fuck, how did he fucking get here? He was doing so much better lately, at least he thought he had. Now he’s a fucking mess on his kitchen floor, noticing how badly he needs to take a day to clean his own apartment, and not only clean at work. It was filthy down here. God, he was such a fuck up, can’t even keep this tiny shitty apartment clean.

Tears in his eyes, he eventually got up to find his vegetables grossly overcooked. He was going to make the chicken he had bought to go with them, but didn’t feel like the effort. He couldn’t afford to waste the vegetables, so he put them in a bowl and sank to the floor, eating the mush in his misery.
Bowl finished, Ilya had calmed enough. He wasn’t crying anymore but felt so close to the edge of it. He cleaned his dishes and looked back to the kitchen floor. His knee pounded with pain as Ilya went through the motions of deep cleaning his entire apartment, starting with the kitchen floors.

He was just stepping out of the shower into his now clean apartment when he heard his phone ding. He figured it was Sveta or someone asking to trade a shift.

When he picked it up, he almost dropped it.

Jane: Sorry, work has been a lot, and flights have all been good.

Ilya stared at the message. Shane had texted him back. Shane wasn’t ghosting him. What the fuck does Ilya send back? How the fuck does he keep this conversation going?

After minutes agonizing over a response, Ilya felt more stupid than when he burned himself as he looked at his own response.

Lily: They are keeping you busy Mr. Businessman.

‘Mr. Businessman’ what the fuck was that? Ilya knew he was a fucking hockey player, not some traveling businessman, but Ilya didn’t want Shane to know that Ilya knew who he was. Fuck this was so complicated. Too fucking complicated. But so fucking worth it if he could have just one more night with Shane, or as many as he could get. He couldn’t dare to hope for too much more.

Jane: Very, I don’t mind though, it's the job.

Lily: Do you travel a lot for work

Jane: Yeah, I’m used to living out of hotels now.

Lily: Do you like it

Jane: The travel?

Lily: Da

Jane: I guess, I don’t really think about it honestly, it's just part of my job.

Lily: Where is your favorite place to go for work

Jane: Probably Boston, now.

Ilya couldn’t believe his fucking eyes. He was texting with Shane fucking Hollander, Shane fucking Hollander just said Boston was his favorite place, and the ‘now’ made Ilya’s heart race. The ‘now’ implied it was because of Ilya, right? Ilya couldn’t keep his hands from shaking as he typed back to Shane.

Over the next few days, Ilya and Shane were texting almost nonstop, it was all very casual stuff, nothing too serious, but Ilya felt like he was getting to know Shane in a way he wondered if many others did.

Lily: Do you follow any sports?

Jane: I’m a little obsessed with hockey, actually

Lily: Oh really? I haven’t watched much I follow the Raiders I guess

Jane: You ‘guess.’

Jane: Not you, guessing you support my rival team.

Lily: Rival team?

Jane: I support Montreal, the Metros, who are the Raiders' rivals

Lily: Ahhh I heard they were worst team in league, no?

Jane: Asshole, no, they are probably one of the best right now.

Ilya had skirted around the topic of hockey at first, but he risked asking Shane about it. From then on, Shane would text him about games he ‘watched’ and players he was watching for teams outside the Metros. Ilya gave him some insights, but hadn’t been following the sport as closely; still, it was nice to talk about it with Shane.

Talking about it with Shane somehow never left him wanting to crawl into another ball on his kitchen floor. He didn’t feel the usual jealousy he had in his stomach when he watched the Raiders or talked about stats with Sveta; he just liked talking about a sport he used to love with someone who still really loves it.

In the two weeks since Ilya and Shane had started texting, Ilya had learned a lot about Shane.

Shane doesn’t really drink, he doesn’t like going out with his coworkers, he drinks ginger ale, he is actually very obsessed with hockey, he doesn’t listen to music when he works out, he actually doesn’t really listen to music in general, he likes watching home renovation shows, he reads books about hockey, he was friends with one of his coworkers and a godparent to his kids, he wears glasses, and a smattering of other details that slowly colored in the picture of Shane Hollander’s life.

The glasses had been one of Ilya’s favorite discoveries; he hadn’t gotten to see Shane wear them, but they were barely in the frame of a picture Shane had sent of the book he was reading on his nightstand when Ilya had asked what he was reading. Ilya wanted to see Shane in those glasses so badly.

In the two weeks since he had been talking to Shane, Ilya had genuinely felt better. He hadn’t heard his father’s voice in his head, and he was being kinder to himself than he normally was. Work didn’t suck as much. Massaging his knee didn’t suck as much. Talking to Shane had quickly become the highlight of Ilya’s day; every notification from ‘Jane’ left him grinning like a fool.

The week leading up to Shane being back in town felt like one of the longest weeks of Ilya’s life. Despite the near-constant texting and the feeling like he and Shane had become sort of friends on top of whatever else they were, Ilya couldn’t stop himself from feeling like Shane would just text him and call everything off. Tell Ilya this was all a mistake, and they shouldn’t meet again, and Ilya would go back to a world that felt sunless.

Shane did text Ilya, though, a time, address, and room number.

Ilya was nervous as he walked up to the hotel room door. He had thrifted a pair of vintage jeans that were a bit wider-legged, and their design made him feel a bit like a rock star; he needed the confidence they gave him for tonight. For Shane. He had a tight black tee, his usual cross hidden underneath. The shirt showed off his body; he wasn’t as defined as he wanted to be, but he was muscular and strong, and he filled out the shirt nicely.

He knocked twice, same as last time, and Shane let him in. Ilya stepped through the door, and Shane was on him immediately, kissing him, tugging his curls with his fingers. Ilya let himself get lost in Shane; this was better than any fantasy Ilya could dream.

Ilya admired Shane as he stripped and folded his clothes, leaving them on the dresser. Ilya left his on the chair in the room this time instead of the floor, but didn’t fold them.

Ilya worshipped Shane until they were both left boneless. Shane had thought he was exaggerating to himself about how good it had been; it was somehow even better. Ilya had such a beautiful mouth, and he knew how to use it in the best ways. Shane thought he had to have been exaggerating to himself about how caring Ilya had been, but he was somehow more caring than Shane remembered.

Shane knew he wanted more from Ilya as he lay there in this stupid hotel bed. It would be another month until Montreal played in Boston again. Shane was lucky that most of their games against Boston this season were away games, meaning he was mostly playing in Boston. Normally, he hated having to play in Boston’s stadium; their fans were vicious and at times deafening. They got too drunk, too messy, and sometimes they crowded the opposing team as they left; once, a fan had even thrown a chili dog or something at them. So yeah, Shane normally hated playing in Boston, hated just visiting Boston really, but he found himself scheming a way to get back here sooner than in three weeks.

Shane was curled into Ilya, Ilya’s strong arms holding him safe against Ilya’s chest. Shane knew three weeks was too long to have this again. He found himself wanting stupid things, like being in these arms every day. It was ridiculous. What was he going to do, leave the team he had spent his whole career building, had already won a cup for, and was on track for his second with? No. Obviously not. But maybe he could find himself in Boston more often. He has a few off days in a week and a half or so, about halfway until he would be able to see Ilya again. He made his plan and found himself falling asleep in Ilya’s arms, with a plot to see him sooner.

Ilya woke up with Shane still in his arms; he never wanted to move. He didn’t have work until this afternoon, and Shane’s flight surely was leaving earlier than Ilya had to leave. He didn’t usually wake up early but was happy for the extra time to be conscious of holding Shane in his arms, of feeling Shane’s warmth against his chest. After a while, Shane stirred a bit, and Ilya pressed kisses to the back of Shane’s neck. Kisses on the back of Shane’s neck led quickly to Ilya on top of Shane, Shane’s cock in his mouth.

Ilya moved slowly, playing with Shane with his tongue. Shane was left muttering curses and Ilya’s name over and over. He said “Ilya,” like it was a prayer, like the most precious word he knew. Ilya loved the sound of it rolling off Shane’s perfect tongue.

He took his time washing Shane’s hair in the shower. Shane had apparently found himself enough to reciprocate to Ilya in the shower. Ilya loved the sight of Shane on his knees, worshipping Ilya like he was so much more than the miserable fuck-up he really was.

Ilya found himself not wanting to leave, dragging out his exit as long as possible. Shane seemed equally unhurried to let Ilya leave and everytime Ilya broke off, Shane was kissing him again.

Ilya had lost all sense of time with Shane, had no idea how long Shane had been kissing him against the door. Shane’s alarm started to blare, it was his final alarm meaning Ilya really had to leave. He was reaching for the door, when Shane’s hand gripped his arm gently.

“Wait, um,” Shane was suddenly nervous, he fidgeted his hands and tried to ask this without wanting to melt into a puddle on the floor, “I- um.”

“Yes, Hollander, what is on that beautiful mind?” Ilya asked softly, reaching out and giving a comforting touch across Shane’s arm. A touch that he would be worried was too comfortable, too intimate but Shane’s tension seemed to melt with it. Ilya stepped closer and brought his other hand up to brush his fingers across Shane’s freckles. Any nerves Shane seemed to have suddenly built were almost as quickly gone with Ilya’s gentle touches. Shane took a steadying breath, brown eyes with that slight sparkle catching Ilya’s for just a minute before going back to the floor, “I um will be back in about a week and a half, are you around maybe?” Shane’s voice shook just slightly as he asked.

Ilya couldn’t believe that Shane was nervous to ask Ilya to see him again, couldn’t he see how badly Ilya wanted him? Surely he couldn’t be totally oblivious to how much Ilya had liked him, Ilya had spent weeks talking to Shane, had skipped nights out with Sveta just to stay home texting him. Shane was a fucking legendary hockey player, doesn’t he know he could have anyone? Why would he even want Ilya?

But apparently he did. He wanted Ilya enough to ask to see him again, and there wasn’t even a game then- was there? Ilya did a mental check of the Raiders’ schedule, and the Raiders were out of town then; Montreal wasn’t playing Boston. Was Shane just coming here for Ilya? No- that's crazy, he probably had some fancy ad deal, but still- he wanted to see Ilya during whatever it was.

Ilya realized too long had gone until he had responded to Shane, too quickly, he blurted, “Da. I will make myself free; you tell me when.” Ilya was worried that made him sound too eager, but Shane nodded, “Okay, yeah, cool, I will. I’ll text you before my flight.” Shane still looked a bit nervous, so Ilya leaned in to give him a final kiss. “Text me before your flight, and after, Shane,” Ilya said as he pulled back, then forced himself to open the door and slip through. Leaving Shane behind.

Shane was even better than he remembered, was always better than the impossible fantasy version Ilya had built in his head, and he wasn’t sure how that was possible. Shane was so soft and sweet with Ilya; he acted as if he cared about Ilya. He asked Ilya questions about his interests, then asked follow-up questions. Ilya was aware that maybe this was a low bar, but no one had taken an interest in Ilya like this, not one that felt this genuine. It was nice.

Of course, it wouldn’t last forever. Eventually, Shane would realize who Ilya was. Eventually, he would realize Ilya wasn’t worth the trouble, that Ilya was a loser who Shane should forget about. Until then, Ilya was determined to keep Shane.

Chapter End Notes

Idk how I managed to write this much of this so quickly, I will keep getting as much as I can out as soon as possible but will be working all weekend really so not sure when next update will be up but will def have one a week bare min as a general rule so - anyways hope yall like this premise and enjoy the story so far!

also given the speed at which I've gotten this chapter out i hardly edited it so will let yall know if i make any big edits to this chapter later on but doubt it

Chapter 4: Wanting More

Chapter Notes

I know what I said but I couldn't stop myself so not me procrastinating everything else to write this- see yall probably after tuesday with the next update- hope you enjoy!! Let me know what you think! Have loved all of the comments so far <3

A week and a half later, the brand's photoshoot in Boston came, which Shane had his mom arrange. Shane had two nights in Boston and was determined to spend both with Ilya, if he could, if Ilya wanted that.

He had been originally too nervous to ask Ilya about both nights, so he had sent him the date for the first night and the address and room number he would be staying in. He wondered where Ilya lived; he wanted to ask, but that had felt too personal, and Ilya hadn’t offered his place.

Shane also hadn’t seen much of it in any of the photos Ilya sent; they were always closeups of things when he was at home. Shane hadn’t originally thought about how much of his place could be seen in the background of some of his photos, but now he was a bit self-conscious about them, especially since Ilya’s was only in his imagination.

Shane was practically vibrating with nerves once again, the way he always seemed to be before meeting this man who seemed to have some mystical spell over Shane. Shane couldn’t stop thinking about him. Wondering about things about him. He wanted to know Ilya better, to know him more deeply. That would mean letting Ilya know Shane deeper, and Shane was ready for that.

There were the familiar two knocks at the door, Shane opened it, and Ilya came pushing, wearing a tight, light pink t-shirt that was almost see-through; you could see every line of Ilya’s torso, and god, it made his biceps look so good. Shane wanted to bite them. Shane pulled him in and made quick work of removing his slightly flared light-washed jeans. God, Ilya dressed so cool, so much better than Shane. Shane was insecure about half of his wardrobe being athletic wear, and the other half being suits for events. Maybe he should let Rose finally take him shopping, but he would never look as good in something as Ilya does.

Shane started to strip the shirt, which was making him lose his mind off Ilya. “So eager for me, Hollander. Cannot wait to get me out of my clothes, hm?” Shane responded by kissing Ilya’s neck, then pulling back to remove and fold his own clothes. Shane brought them to the bed, pushing Ilya until he was sitting on the bed, and then sank on his knees between Ilya’s legs. He ran his hand up Ilya’s thigh and looked up to see the rakish grin on Ilya’s face. Shane took his cock in his mouth and began to use what he had learned from Ilya, swirling his tongue in new ways and taking Ilya deeper than before. When Shane felt Ilya was close, he went even harder until the Russian was murmuring curses as he came down Shane’s throat, Shane swallowing as he did.

Shane moved to straddle Ilya. “Fuck, Shane, your mouth is so perfect, made for me,” Ilya said between heavy breaths. Shane pressed a light kiss to Ilya’s jaw, relishing the praise. “I like how eager you are, Hollander, now I think it is my turn.”

Ilya lay Shane back on the bed and went to work on him, slowly teasing his hands up Shane’s thighs, touch feather light and waking every nerve as they went up, until they were moving up Shane’s chest, fingers pressing into the curves of the muscles there. Ilya sank his head to Shane’s cock and took him unbelievably deep at the start, then pulled out, teasing Shane with gentle flicks of his tongue over Shane’s tip until he slid back down, taking Shane fully again. He moved faster and faster until Shane was moaning Ilya’s name, a string of unintelligible words coming out of him until he saw stars and was coming down Ilya’s throat, Ilya swallowing just as eagerly as Shane had.

When they were curled up in bed later, both tired after multiple orgasms but both still wide awake, Ilya was tracing circles on Shane’s skin, and the questions Shane had been dying to ask were suddenly all Shane could think about.

“Why did you come to the U.S.?” The question blurted out, Shane spoke before he could stop himself. Ilya tensed around him, Shane pulled back to look at Ilya and found a storm raging in those beautiful eyes, his features had become more drawn. “Sorry- I- Sorry, I didn’t mean-” Fuck that was not supposed to come out like that. “Sorry, you don’t have to, I didn’t mean to ask, it just-”

“Relax, solynyshko,” Ilya brushed a finger across Shane’s freckles, a gesture that soothed Shane like nothing else in the world. “Is okay you ask, I have been here for about 6 years or so but is not good story, not easy to talk about.” Ilya’s voice was soft when he spoke; he sounded more restrained than he usually was.

“Okay, sorry, I really didn’t mean to, I just-” Shane was rambling, Ilya cut him off again, “Shh. Shane, you can ask me things, is okay.” Ilya ran his hands in soothing circles across Shane’s chest. “I like when you ask me things, that one is just not so easy, okay?”

“Okay.” Shane was worried he’d blown it, but Ilya’s arms kept moving down his body, “You can ask me more questions if you want, solynshko.” There was that nickname again. Shane wondered what it meant and tried to commit it to memory so he could look it up later.

“Um, okay,” Shane drew in a nervous breath. He knew he should start smaller, but he was dying to know, “Do you ever go back to Russia?” Shane felt Ilya tense at the question. Shane brushed a hand on Ilya’s chest, trying to mimic the soothing motions Ilya gave him. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer, I just- I was curious, sorry.”

Ilya shushed him again, “Shane you can ask, I told you. I do not go back, ever. Was not good place.” Ilya pulled Shane in and held him a little tighter.

“Okay, sorry it was like that.” Shane hugged himself deeper into Ilya. “Is okay, not your fault, Shane.”

“Do you like it here?” Shane asked.

“Boston?” Ilya confirmed.

“I guess?” Shane said, “Or just the U.S.?”

Ilya thought for a moment, “Is better than Russia. Boston is okay, but the U.S. is becoming not so good for Russians, I might look to move, maybe Canada, they are better to us, I think.” Ilya was rambling a bit, he cut himself off before he said anything too embarrassing. He liked the city, but honestly couldn’t afford to do much and never bothered to do anything touristy. He also scheduled himself too much, and spent most of his off-days doing knee recovery shit. Shane hadn’t asked about the scars on Ilya’s knee, and he had been careful to hide any pain from Shane, even if being on his knees earlier was killing him. He didn’t think he let on, he was good at hiding the pain after years of practice at work.

“Have you been to Canada?” Shane asked tentatively, he wasn’t sure where he was going with this, it’s not like he could invite Ilya to Montreal but, maybe, maybe the cottage?

“No, but maybe someday.” Ilya answered, voice small again.

“I think you would like it,” Shane hugged him closer again as he responded, “Da. Maybe I would.” Shane could feel himself getting tired, but he couldn’t let himself fall asleep without asking. “I’m not flying until the day after tomorrow, do you maybe wanna come back here tomorrow? I could order us dinner, maybe. Or not, if you’re busy, its okay.”

Ilya laughed softly against Shane, he couldn’t believe Shane was here, in his arms, nervous about asking to spend more time with Ilya. Like Ilya was the one somehow out of Shane’s league and not the other way around. “I have work but I can be back around 7?” Shane nodded, “Okay, yeah, come back at 7.” With that Shane let himself fall asleep, nestled into Ilya’s warmth.

Shane slugged through his day at the photoshoot, felt ridiculous when they kept spraying him water, surely he had been wet enough, but they just kept spraying him. By the ned he felt sticky, overstimulated, and disgusting. He took 20 minutes in his hotel shower to calm himself down, then spent the rest of his time waiting for Ilya watching a PWHL game, he figured he should watch more of them and there was almost no chance someone would mention his name for any reason, like they might in a MHL game by comparing him to one of the players, so if it was on when Ilya came in he would be safe.

He really should tell Ilya about himself, tell Ilya what he does for a living. Tell Ilya who he is and why it's so important they meet in these stupid hotel rooms. Tell Ilya why Shane can’t take him for dinner outside, where he can be seen, but he was a coward and couldn’t bring himself to tell Ilya.

It felt like ages until there was that double knock on the door, Shane pulled Ilya in, and kissed him deeply. Ilya was so happy to be back with Shane. Work felt like some special new hell today, his knee was killing him and none of his advil or tylenol had helped. The second Shane’s lips were on his, Ilya’s knee pain felt like a distant memory. All he could do was focus on the feeling of Shane’s lips on his, on the way their mouths seemed to fit together perfectly.

Ilya’s body betrayed him, his stomach grumbled loudly enough for them both to hear, apparently as Shane pulled back, chuckling, “Come on, let’s get you something to eat.” Ilya followed him sheepishly to the bed, where Shane passed him a menu and told him that he could order anything.
Shane picked up the phone and ordered something Ilya thought was ridiculously healthy, and Ilya asked for one of the burgers on the menu.

They were waiting on the food when Shane said, “Normally, I hate eating the bed, but I guess we’ll have to.” Suddenly, Ilya was moving across the room, looking in the pantry for something, “What are you-” Shane started to ask, but Ilya had found what he was looking for, an extra blanket was pulled from the closet, and Ilya was laying it on the floor. “We can, what is it- pic something?”

Shane’s heart warmed. He moved to sit on the blanket and reached a hand to pull Ilya down to join him, “Picnic.” Shane said and gave Ilya a soft kiss on the cheek; he just couldn’t resist. Ilya was so perfect.

They ate on the blanket, talking about random things. Ilya collected their food, placed it on the trays in the halls, then came back in and slowly undressed Shane. Ilya took his time undoing Shane, pulling him apart until Shane felt like the edges of his body were blurred. He was lost in the sensation of Ilya, felt Ilya take him apart and then so carefully bring him back together. It was perfect, Ilya was perfect. Shane needed more of this. He only wanted Ilya. He wanted Ilya to want him.

As he kissed Ilya goodbye the next morning, he promised himself that in a week and a half, when Montreal was back and playing in Boston again, Shane would try to ask Ilya what he wanted. Try to ask Ilya if he wanted more, and to try to tell Ilya who Shane was, to explain everything. A week and half. Until then, Shane would continue to text Ilya as much as he could; maybe he would even try to call him. Would Ilya want to talk on the phone? Shane hoped so.

Chapter End Notes

Now I must get ready and go to work lmao really truly could not stop myself writing this- really hope yall are liking this so far! This chapter was more Shane centric which I thought was fun since most of it has been more Ilya's side so far so was fun to mix it up- will be going back to more Ilya's side in the next one which again will prob be after tuesday but i mean thats what I said last time and here I am so.

Also am getting this out pretty quickly so not spending too long editing so sorry for any mistakes as always :)

Chapter 5: The Reveal Pt. 1

Chapter Notes

hiiiii sorry this took longer but hope yall enjoy!

Shane was buzzing as he stepped into the Raiders’ stadium for their practice the day before the game. The team had flown in early, had practice today, and a pretty early game tomorrow. Shane had planned to see Ilya tonight and tomorrow, and he was practically vibrating with the need to be back in the same room as Ilya. He was trying to get his head focused back on hockey, something that he usually was always thinking about, but had been replaced for the last month by Ilya.

Ilya’s lips on his. His feather light tough that could become so much harder. The way he could grab Shane. The way he could throw Shane on his back. The sound of his laugh, the way he had different laughs, but Shane’s favorite was the hardest to get out of him, the loudest, most boisterous laugh, where Ilya truly lost himself in it. Shane loved the sound of that laugh. He loved the ways Ilya’s eyes could shift from so sweet to something seductive in a millisecond. Ilya was perfect, and Shane knew he was falling for him.

They had spoken over the phone a few times since the photoshoot weekend, mostly while they were cooking dinner for some reason, but it was nice. It felt like he had been cooking with Ilya. Shane wanted the chance to cook with Ilya in person. He wanted to do so much with Ilya. Tonight was his night, tonight he was going to ask Ilya what they were. Ask what Ilya wanted from this, ask if Ilya also wanted more. Shane wanted more so badly it almost hurt. He hated the idea of anyone else touching the beautiful Russian, he wanted Ilya to be his. He wanted to be Ilya’s.

Shane’s struggled to focus on the plays through the start of practice, he managed to lock in mostly before the end but flashes of Ilya still ran through his mind as he ran his drills.

Ilya was counting the hours until he saw Shane, but he of course got scheduled to work as the Metros had their practice. Of fucking course. He would have tried to trade shifts but the only trade would have left him with almost no time with Shane, so he would have to risk it.

He wore a baseball cap today, like that kept Ilya hidden. Usually the facility techs were invisible to the players, they never really noticed them and Ilya often felt like a ghost when he had to clean while the team was out. No one had ever even thrown him a smile or a nod or even looked at him once from the team. Ilya felt like Shane was different though, Shane probably knew the names of the techs at his own stadium. Shane would probably notice him.

Ilya was struggling through the shift; his knee was on another level today and he felt like today he wouldn’t be able to hide his pain in front of Shane. He was struggling not to wince now as he moved down to clean the glass.

Ilya was on the team cleaning the outside of the glass, which somehow always had smudges. He had been lost in thought, mindlessly wiping at the glass while trying to ignore the pain in his knee and think about what he would do with Shane later. Things had been feeling different since they started talking on the phone. Ilya was scared to hope that they were possibly really becoming something, that maybe Shane could also want more from him.

Of course once Shane realized who Ilya was, that would all be over. Why would Shane want to be with a disgraced hockey player with a shit knee, a shit job, and an overall shit life? Shane wouldn’t. He would leave Ilya the second he knew.

But god, did Ilya want to keep Shane. He wanted to see where Shane lived. He had imagined the inside of Shane’s condo, the way his room looked, the type of couch in the living room. He was picturing the books on Shane’s bookshelf when he noticed someone on the ice.

One of the players was heading to back to the player’s bench, looking like he had forgotten something.

Ilya froze.

Shane.

Shane was back on the ice.

Shane was less than fifty feet from Ilya, skating towards his bench.

Ilya stayed frozen, watching Shane go to the bench, grab a water bottle and turn to leave. It was on his turn that Shane saw him. Ilya stayed frozen as those soft brown eyes met his from across the ice.

A look of recognition, the confusion flashed through Shane’s face and he stood there frozen for a second, looking at Ilya. Brown eyes locked onto blue. Then he started moving, too quickly, down towards the visitor’s lockers.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckk. Fuck. Fuck. FUCKKK.

Shane had seen him. Shane had fucking seen him. Shane fucking Hollander the best generational talent in decades just saw Ilya cleaning the glass his team had just been pressing eachother up against.

Shane saw him.

Shane knew.

Shane knew Ilya was nothing.

Shane knew Ilya knew who he was, that Ilya had lied about not knowing who Shane was.

Fuck.

Everything was ruined.

Ilya was going to lose Shane.

Fuck.

Ilya’s spiral lasted through the rest of his shift, his hands shook when he picked up his phone from his locker at the end. He expected a “What the fuck,” “We’re done,” or “Don’t speak to me again,” text from Shane but when he opened his phone there was just an address and a time. Sent two minutes ago.

After Shane had seen Ilya.

So Shane was going to do this in person? God, how much more humiliating could this get? Ilya forced himself home. He forced food down his throat and forced himself to shower. He tried putting on clothes he at least semi-liked, but didn't have the energy to pull off a proper ‘revenge dress’ look for this breakup. He didn’t want to wear any of his favorites for when he had his heart ripped out of his chest.

Ilya’s hands shook as he knocked on the door to the hotel room. Feeling like he was bringing himself before the executioner. Bracing himself for the worst he knew was coming.

Shane had panicked the moment he had seen Ilya across the ice. What the fuck was Ilya doing cleaning the glass? Ilya fucking worked for the raiders? Ilya obviously had known who Shane was all along why would he not say anything? Why would he bother hiding that? Did he just not want Shane to know? Was he trying to get to know Shane as Shane and not as Shane Hollander the hockey player?

Shane hoped that was the reason.

Ilya had never mentioned his job, Shane realized. Shane was also only now realizing, as he striped his gear that maybe Ilya had been just as carefully avoiding the topic.

Did Ilya think Shane would care what Ilya did? Sure cleaning the rink wasn’t the most glamorous job, but it was honest work and Shane relied on all of the people who worked in the stadiums to play in them. Was that why?

Shane was lost in thought as he put everything in his bag and started for the hotel room he shared with Hayden. Apparently Hayden had been talking to him-

“Um. Okay, were you even listening Hollander? Just walking out mid convo or whatever damn.” Like muttered the last bit under his breath but Shane still heard. Shane stopped, and looked back to Hayden, an apologetic look on his face. “Sorry, man. My heads elsewhere today, gonna straighten it out tonight. Don’t wait up.”

“Attaboy Hollander, you got a puck bunny waiting on you? Too focused on getting laid all practice to actually play hockey?” Pike teased him.

Shane felt his face warm up. “Something like that. See you tomorrow, Hayd.” With that Shane raced out of the stadium, went to his hotel to grab his shit and then went to the hotel he had booked for him and Ilya. He waited there anxiously, he felt like he could vibrate through the walls by the time those two knocks came to the door.

Shane didn’t have a great plan, but he knew he wanted more with Ilya. Nothing today changed that. Hopefully it didn’t change anything for Ilya, I mean, not to be cocky but why would it? He had known who Shane was the whole time.

He had known who I was the whole fucking time.

Shane wanted to be mad at it, he wanted to be. But ever since he had become one of the greatest players in the league, won rookie of the year, hell since he was first pick in the draft- people had treated him differently. They had treated him like something other. People had liked him just for his talent, just to say they were friends with Shane Hollander, Metros Captain.

Ilya had always just treated him like Shane. Shane had always been just Shane. Not Shane Hollander, best hockey player in the league. Never Shane Hollander, whose held the largest contract with the Metros for 3 years now. He was always just Shane with Ilya. He had liked it. He didn’t want that to change.

Why would it change? Ilya had known. He had never treated Shane differently, why start now? All Shane was sure of was that Ilya for some reason had lied to him. Had been lying for the past month and a half or so that they had known each other.

Shane had to know why.

Shane had changed twice. Turned off all of the big lights and turned on the lamps. He had turned on the post game coverage from the Admirals game and waited. He was well into his spiral, nerves had him feeling like he would vibrate through the floor.

Shane was wringing his sweaty hands in his lap, not listening to the tv, mind racing with thoughts of Ilya. The knock came at the door.

Shane stood and opened it.

Ilya looked different today. More tired. He wasn’t dressed like he usually was, this was a more casual look for him, less stylish than the looks he had been showing up in.

His eyes had a mask of sadness in them, and maybe fear?

Shane stepped back and let Ilya in.

When the door opened, Ilya wanted to burst into tears. He held it together, barely, and managed to step into the hotel room. He wasn’t ready for this. Nothing he had tried to do to prepare himself could have done so. He would have to just be honest. Fuck. Shane was going to hate him.

Shane waited for Ilya to speak first, but Ilya just stood there. His face scanning Shane’s for something. Shane decided to say something.

“So what the fuck?” Well that wasn’t how Shane had meant to ask it but- okay.

Ilya was trying to memorize every detail of Shane’s face before Shane spoke, trying to lock the way he looked in person in his brain. Before he would never see it again.

Yeah, ‘what the fuck,’ was fair, Ilya thought to himself. There was no playing this cool. Shane knew. Ilya just had to come clean.

“I’m sorry, I- I didn’t want you to know who I was. You already didn’t remember and I couldn’t believe I had ran into you again and I just-”

Shane cut him off. “Wait we’ve met before? Where? When? I-” and suddenly Shane remembered. The repressed memory of the man that had awoken something in Shane that Shane was so terrified of he had buried the memory of the man- of the feelings. Even after coming to terms with who he was that memory stayed repressed. He hasn’t thought about that cold rink alley, and the smug Russian smoking against the wall. How could Shane not remember him? This man had shaken Shane’s world when they were only 17, and had disappeared from the world of hockey shortly after. Fuck. How could Shane have forgotten.

“Ilya Rozanov. World Juniors.” Shane half whispered the realization. Ilya’s eyes met Shane’s and the look on his face made Shane want to wrap him into a hug.

Ilya couldn’t believe Shane had finally remembered him. Shane remembered him.

“Yes, was the last real game I played.” Ilya spoke softly. He knew he owed Shane his truth after everything, but saying it out loud was something he had never fully done. He took a steadying breath.

“I will tell you, why, if you want to hear. But I understand if you want me to leave. I didn’t mean to lie to you Shane I was-“ his mind searched for the word, “I was embarrassed. I’m sorry. I just wanted to know you. I can go, is fine.”

Shane wanted to hear. He wanted so badly to hear but he felt frozen. Ilya embarrassed? Ilya? This was the most confident man Shane had met, he had thought so back in Regina and he had thought so over a month ago. Shane now couldn’t believe the irony of how he found Ilya again. Something about it felt almost like fate.

Apparently too long had passed before Shane had responded. Ilya began to move towards the door. Shane practically leaped to grab Ilya’s arm, pulling him deeper into the room.

Ilya’s face was full of shock, both at the fact Shane was touching him but also at the force of the pull back into the room. Like he refused to let Ilya go, like maybe he didn’t want Ilya to go.

No. He probably just needed a better explanation. He was probably just curious how someone as good as Ilya had ended up cleaning rinks.

“I want to hear. Please explain, Ilya. I just want to know you. I- I don’t even really care that you lied. I liked that you got to me as Shane and not Shane Hollander, Metros Captain.” Shane loosed a breath and ran his thumb across Ilya’s hand, then holding it tighter. “That was- I really liked that. You have always made me like just Shane, I’ve always just been myself in front of you and not the PR trained hockey robot I feel like half the time, I- I just want to know I guess. If you’ll tell me.” Shane’s brown eyes searched Ilya’s as he spoke, trying to find the answers he needed there.

Ilya took a deep breath, “Is a long story, do you want to?” Ilya gestured to the bed. Shane grabbed Ilya’s hand and brought them to both sit on the bed.

Shane kept holding Ilya’s hand after they sat. Hoping it offered him some support. Shane couldn’t imagine what had happened to Ilya, the weight of the room had shifted, becoming so much heavier. Whatever had happened was dark, Shane thought. Maybe he shouldn’t push Ilya to tell him, he was just starting to think when Ilya started talking.

“After the World Juniors, I regretted not speaking to you again. Is embarrassing but I could not get those freckles out of my head.” Shane’s breath hitched at that, he griped Ilya’s hand tighter. “I could not forget about you. I wanted to know you more but there was still a year until the draft, a year until I could possibly move the U.S. it felt ridiculous. This beautiful Canadian boy had taken over my brain. I needed to forget you, I tried to forget you.” Ilya’s voice started to shake just slightly as he spoke.

“I had to forget you. So I reached out to a friend, my coach’s son. We had had a small fling, nothing serious, was always just fun. Good experience, always ah- educational maybe. He was good, we were good. So I thought it would be the perfect distraction. I had been so careful with him. I had to be because of Russia- but.” Shane saw the tear slip from Ilya’s eye, noted the way his breathing had shifted into something more erratic.

“I had not been careful enough. Two months after the World Juniors, Sasha and I had been at my house. We never used my house, was always too dangerous. For some reason I felt like the risk that day, my father and brother both had plans and shouldn’t be back until late at night, it was perfect I had thought but-” the tears were steadily streaming down Ilya’s face now. Shane wanted to reach out and wipe them away but he felt frozen. His heart clenched as he felt where this was going. It was like listening to a horror novel, Shane was dreading the end.

“I had been stupid. As my father would probably say I was being my selfish, stupid, arrogant self. Too foolish to realize how stupid my actions were. My brother came home early and found us. I didn’t even have a moment to stop him before he was gone. Sasha left. I should have left too but it was my home, I had no where else to go. I stayed frozen in my room. I don’t know how long passed but eventually my father and brother came home. My father grabbed one of my hockey sticks. He found me in my room.” Ilya hiccuped, slowly starting to sob as he told this story, Shane couldn’t stay frozen anymore, he pulled Ilya into him, letting Ilya rest his head on Shane’s shoulder as he continued.

“He found my in my room. When he was done I knew my knee was ruined, I knew it was bad, he told me to get out but I couldn’t stand. He had Alexei throw me onto the street.” Shane let out a small gasp at that. Thrown out onto the street? Shane couldn’t believe anyone doing that to this sweet man, discarding him on the street. Shane held Ilya a little tighter as Ilya continued, “I half crawled to an alley near my house and was stuck there for two days, before my friend Sveta found me.” Shane brushed soothing motions now Ilya’s back. He couldn’t fucking imagine.

He didn’t want this to be true, he didn’t want this to have happened to Ilya. This man who seemed so full of love, who was so kind and caring. This man who had consumed Shane’s every thought had been beaten, probably almost to death, and then literally thrown onto the streets of Russia by his family, all for being a bit like Shane. For liking men. Fuck.

“I’m so sorry Ilya, you didn’t deserve that.” Shane spoke softly into the Russian’s golden curls and he wiped some of the tears from Ilya’s cheeks.

Ilya sobbed into him at that. Shane held him, feeling the sobs explode out of Ilya. Ilya shook so hard with each one that he was shaking Shane with him, but Shane was determined to hold on. Shane stroked a hand down Ilya’s back, soothing motions and kept doing that for the minutes it took for Ilya to calm some.

Ilya still had tears streaming down his face but his breath was calmer. “Sorry, I did not mean to- is hard to remember.”

Shane shushed him. “No. Ilya don’t apologize, thank you for telling me. I’m sorry they did that to you. I’m so sorry Ilya you deserve so much better.” Ilya nuzzled deeper into Shane’s chest. “Can I ask what happened after Sveta found you?” Ilya nodded slightly.

He took a centering breath before speaking again. “Sveta found me and took me to a hospital. They said I would need multiple surgeries. Would be long recovery, and I would not be able to play. Not like I used to.” Ilya’s breath shook a bit on the last sentence. He took a moment to compose himself again before speaking, “Sveta paid for first two surgeries, enough so I would not have worse damage while we were in Russia. We flew to Boston, Sveta’s father had given her an apartment. We got married when we got here, for citizenship only. Divorced once was safe for us to, and I was safe here. She helped me with the surgeries and the recovery for the first year and a half, then I was able to look for work and-”

Shane resumed the soothing strokes down Ilya’s back, then began running soothing strokes through Ilya’s hair. Ilya continued, “No one wanted a disgraced Russian who barely graduated because he was so focused on hockey. Was not easy to find job. Took months to find job with Raiders, was good money, I saved and found my own place. I have lived alone since working for them. Is not much, I was embarrassed for you to know how much of a loser I am, Shane.” Ilya started to extract himself from Shane as he spoke. “I am nothing, I understand if you want me to go now.” He started to stand, “Is okay, you do not need to act like you want me. I can go.”

He started to move to the door, Shane was shocked by the sudden turn. By everything Ilya had told him. Ilya was almost at the door when Shane found his voice, half jumping up as he spoke, “Wait-What Ilya please stay.”

Ilya turned to look at him, his face was red and puffy from crying. His eyes were so dark, the storm still waging within them. Shane crossed the room, taking both of Ilya’s hands and pulling him back towards the bed.

“Please stay.” Shane repeated. “You are not nothing Ilya, and you’re not a loser. You’re so strong, you’ve been through something no one should have gone through. The fact that you’re here today is everything Ilya, I’m so glad I found you again.” Shane cupped Ilya’s face with his hands, new tears started from his eyes and Shane went to wipe them as they came.

“Shane, you should be with someone better not someone like me. Why would you even want me?” Ilya spoke softly, his accent thicker. His voice shook as he asked the question.

Shane ran a hand through Ilya’s curls, and held his face with the other. “Ilya, do you know what I had been planning to ask you tonight?”

Ilya shook his head slightly, his eyes still dark from telling Shane what had happened. “I was going to ask if you maybe wanted more with me? I have not been able to get you out of my head, I have never been with someone so caring and funny and I needed more, I wanted more so badly I was going to embarrass myself and tell you who I was and ask you for more but then I saw you today.” The fear from earlier returned to Ilya’s face, Shane ran a soothing thumb across his cheek. “I saw you today and knew that I still wanted to ask you. I really want more with you Ilya, if you want that.”

Ilya looked into those beautiful brown freckles, the look in them was nothing Ilya would have expected when he knocked earlier. The words out of his mouth were beyond Ilya’s dreams.

Shane wanted more. More. With Ilya.

“I want. I want more with you.” Ilya’s words came out rushed, his accent blurring them tgether but Shane understood. He pulled Ilya’s face to his and kissed him. Ilya melted into the kiss. Shane wanted more with him. Shane wanted him still.

Ilya ran his hands through Shane’s hair and deepened the kiss as he ran his hands down Shane’s sides, pulling Shane’s body against his own. Shane pressed himself into Ilya and began to pull Ilya’s curls in the most teasing ways, Ilya hummed into the kiss and then pulled back to start taking off Shane’s shirt.

Ilya striped Shane out of his clothes and folded them, leaving them on the dresser and then stripping off his own and doing the same with them. He pushed Shane lightly towards the bed and Shane moved to lean himself against the pillows against the headboard.

Ilya came to the base of the bed and began peppering kisses up Shane’s legs as he climbed on top of Shane, kissing him softly up his legs, slowly up his torse, licking the grooves made by Shane’s muscles. Shane hummed with each kiss, with each brush of Ilya’s tongue, allowing all of his nerves to wake up at the insatiable touch of the blonde on top of him.

Ilya moved to straddle Shane as he pulled one of Shane’s dark nipples into his mouth, he played with Shane’s nipple with his teeth, Shane moaning at the sensation, the slight pain but ecstasy of the sensation as Ilya began to use his tongue, sucking Shane’s nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it. Shane gasped out Ilya’s name when he felt himself getting too close and Ilya pulled off, as if he knew and began trailing kisses up Shane’s neck. Kissing him deeply, and reaching to palm Shane’s erection in his hand. He pulled back and Shane’s eyes opened, the brown eyes looking almost black his pupils were so wide, his eyes looked so lost in his lust for Ilya.

The sight of Shane like this, completely undone for him almost was enough to bring Ilya all the way. He pulled back slightly and moved to stand at the end of the bed, he pulled shane closer by his ankles until Shane was lined up with the end up the bed. Ilya sunk to his knees and pulled Shanes knees over his shoulders, he moved to spread Shane out for him like a feast and slowly licked his way down Shane’s leg. Shane moaned as Ilya’s tongue was inside him. Ilya was slow opening Shane with his tongue and Shane whined when Ilya’s tongue pulled out. Ilya laughed softly, “Do’nt worry solynshko, I will take good care of you tonight.” Shane hummed at that. Ilya pulled a packet of lube from where he must have left them earlier when he striped them both, and started slow with one finger, moving to two then moving deeper inside Shane. Shane saw stars as Ilya opened him deeper.

Shane whined again when Ilya removed his fingers, Ilya kissed the inside of Shane’s thigh and was quick to put on his condom and lube himself for Shane. He pulled Shane closer to him as he entered Shane, Shane muttered curses at the feeling of Ilya filling him. His entire world narrowed to the sensation of Ilya inside him, of the waves of pleasure that each thrust brought bringing him closer to the edge with each of Ilya’s movements. Ilya moved slow at first, kissing Shane and rolling his hips in ways that elicited involuntary sounds Shane had never made before.

Ilya began to move faster as he saw how lost in this Shane was, how close Shane was to the end. All it took was Ilya running his fingers slowly down Shane’s cock as he thrust deeper and Shane was over the edge. Every nerve inside him exploding into new galaxies. If Ilya wasn’t holding him here, Shane would swear he would float off the bed.

Ilya followed soon after, kissing Shane as he pulled out and was quick to get a cloth to clean them both. Shane grumbled at the absence of Ilya’s touch but Ilya pulled him back up to the head of the bed when he was done cleanign them, Shane too boneless to move much. Ilya pulled Shane into his arms and held him. Shane hummed into Ilya’s warmth. He never wanted to be without it. He was already dreading having to go back to Montreal after the weekend. He wanted to stay in Ilya’s arms forever.

Shane dozed quickly in Ilya’s arms, Ilya pressed a kiss into Shane’s hair before letting sleep take him too. He woke up feeling warmer and lighter than he had in a long time. Shane’s arms were around him, he looked so peaceful. The slight smile on Shane’s face made Ilya feel giddy. He wanted to kiss Shane, but didn’t dare wake him. Instead content to lay here and memorize each of Shane’s freckles, counting them as he went.

Shane stirred before his alarm, happy to wake up with Ilya in his arms. He looked up to see Ilya staring at him like he was the most precious thing in the world. “Good morning.” Shane said softly.

“Good morning, solynyshko.” Ilya pressed a kiss into Shane’s hair. “When do you have to leave for practice?”

“7:30, I need to stop back at the team’s hotel before going to the stadium and put my stuff back. I probably won’t be done until like 8:00 tonight.” Shane hugged himself closer to Ilya, unable to meet those devastatingly beautiful eyes as he asked, “Can I see you after the game?”

Ilya ran a hand through Shane’s hair as he answered, “Of course, should I come back here tonight?”

Shane held Ilya a little tighter, afraid to ask but dying to get past the need for these hotel rooms. He wanted all of Ilya. He wanted to see where Ilya lived.

“Could I maybe come to yours after the game? I’d like to see where you live.” Shane’s voice was smaller on the last part.

“Really?” Ilya’s voice was quieter than before. “Of course, I mean I think boyfriends typically see eachother’s places.” Shane said, trying to sound casual but failing.

“Boyfriends?” Ilya’s voice was barely above a whisper.

Shane pulled back at looked at him. Shit. Maybe the more Shane had mentioned wasn’t clear, maybe Ilya didn’t want a boyfriend. Fuck, Shane might have just fucked everything up he shouldn’t have-

Ilya saw the panic fill Shane’s eyes and quickly reached a hand out to brush his fingers across the freckles he spent his morning memorizing, “You really want to be my boyfriend?” Ilya’s voice was still small when he spoke.

“Of course I do, Ilya. I-” Shane loosed a breath and reached for Ilya’s hand. “I know what I am asking isn’t really fair for a relationship, I know its not fair to ask you to be with soemone you would have to hide with but I really want to be with you Ilya, if you can be okay with being someone you have to hide with. I know its’-”

“Shane.” Ilya cut Shane off where he had started to anxiously ramble. “I understand needing to keep hidden, more than most. I really want to be our boyfriend, if you really want me to be.” Ilya had a sheepish smile as he spoke. Shane couldn’t help moving to kiss him. “I really, really want Ilya.”

“Okay. Then I make you dinner tonight after game. Will send address. I work before the game so I will watch from home as I cook for us.” Ilya kissed him again. “I think your alarm is going to go off soo-” Ilya was cut off by Shane’s alarm. Both laughed as Shane went to silence them. They were quicker to get up today, Shane more pressed for time but there was less of the frantic energy from last time. Ilya was Shane’s boyrfirend. Ilya wanted to be with Shane. Ilya was making him dinner tonight. Shane would see him tonight, he almost couldn’t wait.

Chapter End Notes

kinda big drama in this one lol, pls lmk what yall think and if yall are enjoying! comments were so fueling lol this was not my week but im reviving and am hoping to get the second part of this chapter out soon. this chapter was not originally planned to be two pts but it was really long and I wanted to get this half out now for yall so really hope you enjoy!

Chapter 6: The Reveal Pt 2

Chapter Notes

Sorry pt 2 took me a min! I have the next chapter half written already so hoping to get that out soon but am going out of town this weekend so we shall see :)) Thank you for all of the love on this so far!!

Ilya kissed Shane goodbye and made his way back towards his apartment. He was quick to shower and change and make it to work. He had done too much last night and the twinge in the knee he had woken up with had flared and was now burning its way through Ilya’s bones. He tried to ignore it as he pulled on his overalls.

Shane was going to be here at some point for his team’s morning skate. Boston’s should be finishing soon. Ilya made his way to check the schedule and cursed when he saw he was on guest bathroom duty.

He trudged through his shift, wincing each time he had to get on his knees to clean something. He wouldn’t be able to do much on them tonight, he only hoped he could hide how bad it was. He didn’t want Shane to notice, his father’s voice in the back of his head was telling him Shane would think he was weak and broken if he knew how bad Ilya’s knee still affected him.

Ilya tried to keep himself distracted with his thoughts of Shane throughout the entire shift. The thought of Shane’s pout as Ilya left this morning. The way his hair falls when he’s asleep. The way his nose wrinkles when he laughs. Thinking about Shane kept him from having to focus on his job, on the way he would want to full wash himself twice in the shower when he got home.

He was nearing the end of the shift when his manager asked if he could check the visitor’s locker room since he already had all of the supplies on his cart. He wanted to say no, it would be too mortifying having to clean up after his boyfriend’s team possibly in front of his boyfriend, but he obviously couldn’t say that.

He debated complaining about his knee but he didn’t want to let his manager know how weak he was either. He moved quickly towards the visitor’s locker room.

The players were filing out as Ilya approached, Ilya stood to the side with his cart and waited for the stream of players to stop coming out of the door. His nerves danced as Shane walked through the door, Shane’s eyes lit up when they locked onto Ilya’s for a moment, a smile spreading across his face for a split second before he turned and the hockey captain mask spread over his face. Ilya’s heart warmed at the smile, the recognition, the look in Shane’s eyes that for a moment seemed to say ‘Can’t wait for later.’

Ilya was quick to clean the visitor’s locker room, he thought it looked a little cleaner than the teams usually left it, which was nice, but it was only a morning skate so they didn’t have usual chaotic game-time energy that left the locker rooms in a state of disarray. He cleaned qucikly, thinking about which stores he would stop to on his way home, what he would cook, what he would wear.

He was eager to leave as he stripped off the overalls and put his jeans back on, walking too fast on his knee but couldn’t care about it as he moved through the city, stopping first to get flowers at one of the floral shops he always admired on his commute and then stopped in the local ‘healthy’ grocery store, looking up a recipe he thought fit a professional athlete’s diet and gathering his ingredients like a man on a mission.

He was thorough in the shower, careful with the shave he gave himself and styled his curls a little longer than he normally would. Flowers were in a vase. He tidied his already pretty clean, thank god, apartment as he watched the game and reveled at the sight of Shane gliding across the ice. The camera’s zoomed in on his face after an assist to Pike and the smile on his face was more like the one Ilya had seen when they were together, not the media trained one he would see in the press conferences later. He couldn’t believe that smile would be in his apartment later, he would be sure to make sure Shane smiled even bigger than that.

As the third period began, Ilya moved to watch as he cooked. The kitchen became his own personal battlefield, he was the general comanding everything. He had timers set, prepped his vegetables with military precision, the kind his dad had ingrained in him. He was careful to make sure everything was perfect. Shane deserved nothing less.

Ilya cheered when Shane scored the final goal, making too much noise for his small apartment, and propbably his neighbors but he couldn’t care. He loved seeing Shane win. When Shane kissed his hand gestured to the camera Ilya blushed, the commentators said something about Shane dedicating the goal to someone and Ilya felt giddy knowing it was him. He almost missed his timer to turn down the vegetables over his excitement.

He watched as Shane dressed in a stunning suit, probably one that cost more than Ilya’s rent, gave answers to stupidly asked questions about the game. When a reporter asked about the gesture Shane made, Shane was quick to reply. The media-smile on his face shifted to one a bit more real, brown eyes softening slightly as he said, “Yeah that goal was for someone special, I’ll see you later.” He said and tossed the camera a wink. A fucking wink! From media-trained hockey robot Hollander, Ilya bet the press would have a field day with it, socials were probably all over it. Shane had done that for him. He hadn’t shied from the question or tried to dodge it, he didn’t dance around anything, he had owned it. He had staked a claim, now everyone knew Hollander had someone special, Ilya knew he was Shane’s someone special. He could melt into the floor with how happy he was but had to make sure the gaze on his salmon was perfect. Shane deserved the best. Shane was his special someone too, and his special someone deserved an amazing dinner.

Ilya wished he could have boughten something a bit nicer, a better cut of fish from a better store. Better ingredients. He wished he was serving it on better plates, not ones he thrifted years ago. He suddenly looked around his apartment and realized in his excitement for seeing Shane that he hadn’t thought about Shane seeing Ilya’s apartment. Ilya’s apartment which definitely cost less than the suit Shane was just wearing.

Ilya looked around the apartment. He had made it nice for what it was. He had decorated, filled it with bits of his life or things he had found and liked. It was cozy. Cozy was a nice word for it. Ilya would bet his entire apartment was probably the size of Shane’s living room. Shane probably had expensive plates and silverware that matched. Shane deserved silverware that matched.

Ilya’s last timer went off, breaking Ilya from his spiral about how dingy his apartment was. How far Shane was out of his league. At least the dinner did turn out near perfect, in Ilya’s mind.

Ilya was just finishing everything, putting it all together in a pan and keeping it warm in the oven. His apartment smelled good, full of spices from dinner, making it feel more homey. That hopefully would help. He was pacing around, the post game commentary turned off and some music on low. He was adding songs to his queue when the knock finally came at the door.

Shane was exhausted from the game. The press asked the same usual moronic questions about his passes and how he felt to win. Obviously it was nice his passes connected. Obviously it was nice he won the game. He was obviously fucking happy so the 20 minutes of questions felt unnecessary. Especially when every minute in this press room kept him from Ilya.

God he hoped Ilya hadn’t watched, Shane was sure he looked like a disaster. He was also sure he looked like a robot. He hated how he looked like that, he hated how people treated him like he should have his own manual in return. Ilya was never like that. He had his own preordained copy of instructions when it came to Shane. Nothing Ilya did could bother Shane.

Shane knocked, his skin buzzing. The building was older, and a bit dingy, but Shane thought it was nice enough. The carpet was bare but clearly had been cleaned at least semi-recently. The halls didn’t have a specific smell, just something of general spices which was nice, honestly.

People were living real lives here. They came home and cooked meals for their families. The carpet outlined the paths most people probably took regularly. Shane relished for a moment being somewhere so lived-in as he waited for the seconds it took for the door to open.

Ilya was there. He looked tired, but his face was bright. His eyes sparkled as he gestured for Shane to come inside.

Shane stepped in and took in small details. The records on the wall and the player beneath them. The smell taking over the small space. The couch backed up to the bed, the apparent projector Shane couldn’t seem to find with his eyes but could see the projections of, it was showing whatever song was playing from speakers Shane had to really look for. The small pieces of decoration, pieces of Ilya’s life scattered around the room that was his apartment. The smell of spices and the dinner Ilya had cooked that had taken over the apartment.

Once he was inside the door Shane looked to Ilya, he wanted to make some quip but Ilya’s mouth was crashing into his before he could think of one. God Ilya Ilya’s lips felt so good. No one could kiss like this. Warmth bloomed deep in his core and spread throughout him. His knees trembled as he lost himself in the kiss. No one could make him lose control of himself like this.

Ilya’s hands were roaming through Shane’s hair. Curling behind Shane’s ear as Ilya deepened the kiss. The moan Shane elicited was almost enough for Ilya. The idea that just his mouth could bring Shane to moans brought terrible ideas to Ilya’s mind. Would Shane come just from Ilya kissing him? Ilya wanted to find out.

He would have spent the night trying to, but he had worked hard on dinner so they should at least start with that. Ilya pulled back and couldn’t help the grin splitting his face as he said, “Hi.”

Shane smiled back just as big, that smile Ilya wanted so badly earlier was here. In his shitty apartment. For him.

Ilya kissed him again. He couldn’t help it.

When he pulled back he grabbed Shane’s hand and let him to the small dinette table he has set up. Shane took in the candles, the plates set. His ears burned as he looked back to Ilya. The soft lighting in his apartment made Ilya looks softer, his curls more golden, and his eyes a bit more hazel than blue tonight but they kept shifting. Shane could spend all night looking at them but Ilya had made him dinner so he went to sit.

Ilya spoke as he moved to get his pan out of the oven, he grabbed the plates he laid out and plated them both dinner then brought them back to the table and sat across from Shane. Shane noticed Ilya’s confidence falter a bit as he sat and spoke, “I hope is okay, I wasn’t sure what you would like.” Ilya looked down at his plate as he spoke, his accent was a little thicker with nerves Shane assumed, he reached for his fork but Shane stopped him for a moment grabbing his hand, “It looks incredible, who knew my boyfriend could moonlight as a personal chef.” Shane went to take a bite and couldn’t stop himself from humming at the taste, “Seriously, oh my god, Ilya this is amazing.” Ilya’s eyes were beaming at him, “Really?” He asked finally trying the dinner he worked so hard for himself. Fuck. It was good. Ilya needs to cook more. If not for himself, then at least as practice for more meals for Shane. Shane’s mouth was full so he was only able to hum his reassurance. His eyes looked so bright as he ate, and his mouth had a permanent upward tilt.

“How’s your shoulder? That hit in the second period looked rough.” Ilya asked as they ate.

Shane shrugged, like that showed it was fine, “It’s alright, will probably bruise though.”

“I can get you some ice for it, if you need.” Ilya offered, trying to sound casual and not worried Shane was in pain. “It’s okay, but thank you.” Shane blushed a bit at the offer, he wasn’t used to having someone care for him after a game. Usually he just rewatched the game and thought sbout what could improve on, drills he should run with the team. This was better.

“Tell me about the game, what did you say at the first face-off.” Ilya asked, Shane loved the sparkle in his eye. He wished he had something better to tell Ilya than, “I said good luck.”

Ilya laughed, “Good luck? We need to work on your chirps Hollander. You should say something to throw them off, to win the face-off.”

Shane laughed too, “Well he needed the luck,” He tried to make his face more serious, and was failing because he couldn’t stop smiling tonight, “and I don’t need to throw the other guy off to win face-offs.”

“Maybe not but is so fun, Shane. You need to have more fun with it, you are already the best.” Ilya spoke like there was no doubt, like obviously Shane was the best. Others had said it before, but coming from Ilya he felt his chest warm with pride.

“What would you have said?” Shane asked, reaching out to brush Ilya’s hand for a moment, just needing to touch him.

Ilya went on with multiple options and wouldn’t stop until Shane promised to use one of them next time. Ilya asked more questions about the game and Shane was happy to spend the entire dinner debating plays, things that could have worked better, commenting on the play styles from both teams. Shane loved how engaged Ilya was, Ilya clearly had been a more agressive player when he was on the ice, but his knowledge of the sport was incredible.

Ilya cleared their plates and cleaned them quickly. Shane hovered as Ilya cleaned and put away the leftovers from their dinner. Ilya was secretely glad they hadn’t eaten it all. Now he didn’t have to worry about dinner tomorrow. Or spending more money on food for another day, which is nice since the ingredients were a bit of an extravagant purchase for him.

Ilya was barely done drying the plates when Shane pounced on him. Ilya loved how eager Shane could be for him. Ilya kissed him back just as feriously and led them to his bed. Shane began to strip Ilya’s clothes off him, Ilya did the same for Shane, folding Shane’s clothes and setting them on the couch. Shane smiled the sight of his boyfriend folding his clothes as they broke apart, he laid on Ilya’s bed and reached an arm out for Ilya. Who had paused to admire the sight of Shane. His eyes raked Shane up and down, a feral grin spread across his face as he took Shane’s hand and joined him on the bed. He raked his hands down Shane’s chest, teasing Shane’s nipple between his fingers as he kissed Shane slowly. Then began kissing him down his neck.

Every time they were together, Shane couldn’t believe how good it felt. He couldn’t believe the overwhelming want within him every time Ilya was near him, Shane had never felt like this for anyone, and was sure he couldn’t. He lost himself in the feeling of Ilya on top of him, kissing his way down before taking Shane in his mouth. Shane found himself muttering curses and soon warned Ilya who slid off tantalizingly slowly.

Shane whined as Ilya took his time opening Shane, the feeling of Ilya’s fingers inside him were almost enough to drive him over the edge but Ilya was careful. He took his time prepping Shane and Shane whined as he took too long with the condom and lube.

When Ilya was finally inside of him Shane gasped at the feeling of Ilya’s warmth filling him. Ilya rolled his hips slower, deeper each time, Shane felt his core awakening with every nerve in his body, stars filled him from the inside until he had to blink them away. He couldn’t keep his eyes open as Ilya moved faster inside him. Every coil of tension unspooled itslef as Ilya moved, Shane let himself become lost in the sensation. Ilya was kissing his neck and stroked a hand through Shane’s hair as he thrust harder. Shane felt himself coming over that edge and went willingly, letting himself go in the feeling of Ilya inside him.

He moaned as he came all over Ilya’s chest, apparently that was all Ilya needed to find his own release and Shane gasped as he felt Ilya’s body tremble as he climaxed on top of him. He laid down onto Shane, breathing deeply. The mess from Ilya’s chest spreading to Shane’s but Shane couldn’t care less, he just wanted to be as close to Ilya as possible.

Shane reveled in the feeling of Ilya’s hot chest moving up and down, matching his own breathing after a while. Eventually Shane said, “That was so hot, Ilya.” Ilya hummed at the praise. “You are so good to me, make me feel so good.” Shane’s voice was soft and slurred as he spoke.

“God you are so hot Hollander, I think you have killed me. I cannot move.” Ilya spoke into Shane’s chest.

“I don’t want you to.” Shane said, looking at the beautiful man lying on top of him. Ilya shifted to meet his eyes. “I do not want to, but you do not like mess.” He pressed kisses to the parts of Shane he could reach, Shane’s collarbone and his uninjured shoulder. Shane hummed in response to each one but then Ilya was shifting, Shane grumbled as the loss of Ilya’s heat met him. Suddenly he was cold. He watched Ilya slowly extracting himself, moving back. Shane watched as he kept his weight to his left side, when he stood his jaw tightened. He closed his eyes for a moment, barely a second but Shane caught it.

Ilya was moving to the bathroom and Shane tracked every movement. He moved stiffly, Shane sourced it to his right leg, which he was keeping straighter as he walked. He came back with a damp washcloth and cleaned Shane off, then cleaned himself.

Shane saw the slight wince as he settled back into bed, and the too-quick smile that came to cover it. Shane reached his arms out and pulled Ilya into him, soaking in the warmth of his boyfriend and rolling the question around in his mind. Ilya stroked a hand up Shane’s arm, following the contours of Shane’s muscles.

Shane didn’t want to disrupt their peace, but he also didn’t want his boyfriend suffering in silence if he was in pain. As an athlete, Shane understood hiding pain all to well, and he didn’t want Ilya to do that with him. He didn’t want Ilya to think he had to.

Shane ran an arm up Ilya’s side, pulling Ilya closer to him. Ilya leaned into the touch and shifted more of his weight onto Shane. “You winced when you got up.” Well that was one way to bring it up.

“Oh.” Ilya’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

“Are you hurt?” Shane asked, voice with an edge of concern.

“I- No, not really.” Ilya grumbled.

“You can tell me, Ilya. I want to know if my boyfriend is in pain.” Shane brushed a hand through Ilya’s hair then dropped a kiss to his head.

Ilya was silent for a moment, but then, “Is my knee, I still have problems from when-” He couldn’t seem to say it. “From Russia.” Ilya had finished quietly. He hadn’t needed to, Shane had understood.

“It bothers you a lot?” Shane asked, he didn’t want to pry but he needed to know.

Ilya took a moment, shifted to turn his face away from Shane’s. “Yes. But is fine. I’m used to it.” Ilya’s voice was still too quiet as he spoke.

“You shouldn’t be used to it, have you seen someone about it?” Shane asked, he wanted to turn Ilya back to look at him.

“Shane.” Ilya said with a sigh. “Is fine. Please, no more.” Ilya didn’t want to have to explain that his health plan didn’t include care for his knee. That when he had tried to see someone the visit had cost him more than he could afford and the potential of an expensive surgery kept him from going back. It was fine, he could walk on it, he could work on it, so it was fine. He didn’t have the money to fix it, so it had to be fine.

“Okay, sorry.” Ilya didn’t like how small Shane’s voice was, he turned back to meet those brown eyes full of concern and worry, with a slight panic in there. “Shane is okay, I just do not want you to worry. Is fine.” He pressed another kiss to Shane’s collarbone. “Okay.” Shane sounded more relaxed as he responded.

“When do you have to go tomorrow?” Ilya asked the question he had been dreading. He didn’t want to think of Shane leaving. He didn’t want to go back to only knowing Shane through his phone, but he would take whatever he could get. Especially if it meant being here, laying against Shane’s chest.

Shane groaned before responding, “I have to leave at 8:00. I’m sorry, I wish I could sleep in with you.”

“Nyet, no apologies. I will set an alarm for us, make you breakfast. Will not have my solynshko going hungry.” Ilya pressed another kiss to Shane, grabbed his phone to set an alarm, and then nestled against him, shutting his eyes.

Shane reveled in Ilya’s warmth and felt his eyes get heavy as he mumbled, “okay.”

Ilya’s alarm woke them up the next morning, Shane groaned as he felt Ilya’s arms move from where they had been wrapped around him. Ilya was quick to turn off his alarm, he pressed a kiss to Shane and wrapped his arms around him again. Shane nestled into Ilya. “Good morning.” Shan’es voice was soaked in sleep. Ilya kissed the top of Shane’s head. “Good morning, solynyshko.” He held Shane a little closer.

“I wish we could just stay here all day.” Shane said into Ilya’s chest.

“Da. Me too.” Ilya held Shane there for as long as he could before having to get up for Shane’s flight. They got ready and dressed quickly, Ilya made them a simple breakfast that they ate on his couch, sitting so that as much of them was touching as possible.

“What does that word you call me mean?” Ilya almost dropped his fork at the question. “What word?” He asked as if he hadn’t slipped into using the nickname too much for Shane.

“Sol- something?” Shane brushed a hand on Ilya’s thigh, “I don’t think I can pronounce it right.”

“Solynyshko.” Ilya supplied softly. “Yes, that. What does it mean?”

“It um-” God this was embarrassing. “It means sunshine.” Ilya looked at his plate as he spoke, he couldn’t bear to look at Shane and watch as Shane realized Ilya was too much. Ilya’s feelings were too much. It was too soon for nicknames, especially ones like that. Shane would be weirded out.

“Oh.” Shane’s voice was soft. He reached out and put a hand on Ilya’s thigh. “I love that.” Ilya’s eyes shot to Shane. He loved it. Shane loved the nickname. The fact sent flutters through Ilya’s chest, he moved to put his plate down and kiss Shane. Shane giggled, honestly giggled, by how quick Ilya had pounced on him. He broke the kiss to put his plate down, “Look who the eager one is now.” He quipped and Ilya was on him again.

It was too soon before Shane was gathering his things, Ilya stood near the door dreading the moment Shane would walk out of it. Montreal didn’t play in Boston again for another month, a month was so long to see eachother. Shane brought his bag to the door and stood there, fighting with the straps of his duffle.

Ilya walked over and took his hands, kissing both of them. “You will text me at the airport.”

“Of course.” Shane memorized the feel of Ilya’s hands in his.

“And when you land?” Ilya kissed Shane’s hands again.

“Yes and when I get to the hotel I’ll call you.”

“Good.” Ilya leaned in to kiss Shane’s cheek. “I will miss you.” Ilya said and kissed Shane again.

Shane looked into those blue eyes and wanted to stay so so badly. “I will miss you so much Ilya.” He pulled his hands back and cupped Ilya’s face then pulled Ilya’s face to his, needing to kiss him. Ilya kissed him back fiercely, pouring everything into it.

Shane hated to break the kiss but had to, “Ilya, I was wondering if maybe-”

Maybe this was too big of an ask, but Shane needed to. He wanted more of his boyfriend.

“What is it, solynyshko?” Shane beamed at the nickname.

“I was wondering if maybe you would come to Montreal the next time we both have a few days off? I’ll get the tickets and everything and you could see my place and everything.” Shane asked, he was still smiling from his nickname. He loved that Ilya had been calling him his ‘sunshine.’ God Ilya was perfect.

“You want me to come to Montreal?” Ilya asked, disbelief in his tone. “Really?”

Shane nodded, he pulled Ilya in again, kissing him as if that answered the question enough. When he pulled back he said, “Of course. I want to see you as much as I can.”

Ilya couldn’t believe Shane really wanted so much of him, he wanted to see Ilya as much as he could. Ilya was nodding his head before he could even think about it. “Da. I will come. I want to see you as much as I can too.”

Ilya gripped Shane’s shirt and pulled him for one last kiss. He knew Shane needed to leave, but he was desperate for a little more of Shane. He kissed him with everything he had, trying t memorize the feeling of Shane’s soft lips moving against his. The way his silky hair felt as Ilya threaded his fingers through it.

Shane pulled back as his phone alarm went off. 8:00 was here.

“I will talk to you tonight.” Shane said as he gave Ilya one last kiss on the cheek. Then he was grabbing his bags and reaching for the door. Ilya stayed frozen watching him leave. He hated seeing Shane go.

Chapter End Notes

Really hope yall are enjoying this! please let me know comments are very motivating lmaoooo- also sorry this took way longer than i planned to get out I have been having a week yet i persist. thank yall for reading, cannot wait to write more :))

also given that this whole weekend ending up being two chapters i did expand the length a bit, hoping for it to be around 10 now :))

Chapter 7: Mr. Bellman

Chapter Notes

hiii im back with another one :)) thank you guys for the comments so far!!!! I really hope you enjoy this chapter!!

A few days later, Ilya found himself half limping home from work. He and Shane had planned for Ilya to fly up in a week. They both had two days off. Two whole days of Shane. Ilya just had to make it to next week. Ilya scrolled through their texts as he struggled home.

Lily: You were protecting your shoulder tonight.

Jane: I’m fine.

Lily: Then why didn’t you complete that pass to Pike

Jane: Asshole.

Lily: You like it

Jane: Unfortunately, I do.

Ilya scrolled to a different conversation.

Jane: Did you rest your knee tonight?

Lily: Yes dr jane

Jane: Do you ever use heat on it?

Lily: Da I have old pad

Lily: sometimes get patches

Jane: Do you have a brand you like?

Lily: No

Lily: What did you eat for dinner

Jane: Garden salad with salmon.

Lily: Rabbit food

Jane: It was really good, actually. It’s also part of my macrobiotic diet as an athlete.

Lily: Sure

Lily: Lucky I like my rabbit boy

Jane: Shut up.

Lily: Nyet krolik

Ilya smiled reading back through their texts, he scrolled to their conversation discussing the trip, needing to convinve himself it was really happening again.

Lily: I have Tuesday and Wednesday off next week

Jane: Perfect, so do I.

Jane: *ticket information*

Jane: I can rebook them if you can’t come.

Lily: I will be there.

Lily: Cannot wait to see my krolik’s freckles

He wished he had been able to refuse better when Shane had booked the flights for him. Ilya wished he could have paid for it. He appreciated that Shane hadn’t made it a big thing. He sent Shane the days he was off and Shane sent him back plane ticket confirmations booked, and a text saying he can reschedule them if needed. Ilya wished he could have offered to reimburse Shane, he was ashamed he hadn’t tried but he couldn’t afford plane tickets, and he really didn’t want to know what Shane had spent.

Shane deserved a man who could pay for his own plane tickets. Ilya’s father was right, Ilya had ended up a broke loser, a loser who needed his boyfriend to pay for Ilya to see him. His father would have been even more ashamed of Ilya than he already was.

All of that effort in your career and you will amount to nothing. I have wasted so much on you Ilya. You will be nothing. My greatest shame will be you, the son I do not recognize. The disgrace to my name.

He was lost in his fathers words, lost in his spiral about how broke he was as he approached his door.

There was a small package sitting in front of it.

Ilya wasn’t expecting anything; he assumed it was delivered by mistake.

As he got closer he saw his name on the top. Huh. He winced as he bent to pick it up, deciding that after he showered he would lay in bed the rest of the day. He took the package inside and grabbed some scissors, carefully cutting into it.

There was tissue paper inside the box, he moved and what he saw made him pause-

A new heating pad. He pulled it out and inspected it, there was a sheet of paper for its instructions under it Ilya took both and set them on the table. The pad was nice, Ilya had looked at some online but hadn’t bothered to invest. It was almost like a brace in its shape, it was wireless and Ilya could put it on and move around in it while it worked on his aching knee.

Ilya put the pad and instructions on the table and went back to the box. There was a red Montreal hoodie, number 24 on the right pocket spot. Ilya turned it to see Hollander and the 24 on the back. As he turned it he noticed the frayed hems, the soft wear on the elbows, the slightly stretched neckline. This wasn’t just a Montreal hoodie. It was one of Shane’s personal ones.

Ilya had to blink the blurriness from his eyes as he lifted the hoodie and smelled it. It smelled faintly like Shane. He set his new favorite hoodie next to his new favorite heating pad and looked to find a box of topical pain patches and a note folded at the bottom. Ilya put the patches to the side and took out the note.

‘I wish I was there to give you these myself. I hope they help. Miss you.

-Solynyshko’

Solynyshko. Shane had referred to himself by the nickname Ilya gave him. He had looked up how to spell it correctly. Ilya’s chest tightened as he reread the note. God he wished he could see Shane right now.

Ilya hadn’t noticed the return address on the box, a Montreal address. He wondered if it was Shane’s actual address. If he could send something back to Shane.

He opened his phone to text Shane.

Lily: I miss you too

Jane: You got it?

Lily: Yes very sweet krolik

Jane: I hope you liked it.

Lily: i loved it

Jane: Those patches are recommended by one of the team’s PT’s, so I think they should be pretty good.

Lily: I will use after shower

Jane: Call me when you're done.

Ilya had a hard time putting his phone down. He was half tempted to call Shane and take him into the shower with him. Although his phone can’t get wet and the speaker would probably only pick up the shower head.

Showered, clean, patches applied, and food heated up, Ilya sat on the couch ready to call Shane. Shane answered on the first ring.

“Hello.” Shane’s voice was light as he answered.

“Hello krolik, how was practice?”

Shane went on about the different plays they tried, areas the team needs to improve in. Ilya loved hearing how energetic he sounded, how passionate he would get about hockey. When Shane had finished describing practice he asked, “Did you try the stuff I sent?” Ilya could hear the forced casualness Shane was using in his tone.

“Da. I am using it now, is helping I think, but you did not have to send me anything.” Ilya’s voice got quieter as he got to the end of the sentence. He didn’t want Shane to think he was weak and needed to be taken care of. What if Shane wouldn’t want him anymore once he realized how much care Ilya had to give his knee? How broken Ilya’s body was?

“I hope they all help. I wanted to send you something. If I can’t be there to make it better myself I can at least send my boyfriend care packages.” Shane’s voice was steady, reassuring. Ilya’s chest tightened at the words ‘care package,’ no one had sent him a care package before.

“I liked the care package, especially the hoodie.” Ilya spoke softly.

“Oh yeah?” Shane asked, voice genuine.

“Yes. Was it yours?” Ilya asked.

“Yeah. I wanted to send you one of my favorites. I figured we should both have boyfriend hoodies, although someone might throw something at you if you wear a Metros hoodie in Boston.”

“Da. I will only wear inside. Cannot risk having tomato stain my new favorite hoodie.”

Shane laughed at that. “Your new favorite, huh?”

“Da. I will have to send you a boyfriend hoodie too, maybe I will be mean and send my Raiders one.” Ilya made his voice very serious, although in his head if he was giving Shane a hoodie he wanted it to be one Shane could wear without people realizing it was Ilya’s. He had a dark green one that Shane would like.

“Oh god no, not a Raiders one.”

Ilya laughed, “I don’t know, I think you would be very cute in Boston colors.”

“Never gonna happen, I’m retiring with the Metros.”

“I know, I know. After seven cups and a warehouse full of awards.”

“You remembered?” Shane asked, a little disbelief in his voice. He had mentioned on a phone call weeks ago now, he secret dream.

“Of course, is good goal. I think you will win eight cups though.” Ilya spoke like it was obvious that Shane would win eight, like winning over five cups wasn’t something that less than thirty players total had ever done.

“Well I should be winning one this year so that should help.”

“Da. I can see you already raising it over your head, showered in champagne in the locker room. I would lick all the champagne off you, give you very good reward for winning cup.” Ilya was worried for a moment that was too much. The cup was months away, would Shane want months with him? Probably not. Was that too much?

“Well now I definitely have to win.” Shane said in a velvety tone.

“You will.” Ilya could hear Shane give a small yawn. “Is getting late, you should go to bed, Shane.”

Shane tried to argue but another yawn cut himself off. “Okay, I’ll go to bed. I miss you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Da. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

The supplies Shane had sent had actually been helping Ilya’s knee a lot. He didn’t feel as stiff as he should have working consecutive days. He had been actually cooking meals for himself lately, stuff he thought would be more Shane-approved. He had spoken with Shane each night. They spent an hour debating what Ilya should pack on the last night, Ilya had never had so much fun packing a bag in his life. He wondered what it would be like to pack with Shane in person. To have a house filled with their things and pack them together. That dream felt like too much, it was too dangerous to hope for something like that.

Ilya wasn’t meant to have something like that. He didn’t deserve it. He deserved his studio and mismatched plates. He didn’t deserve a life with Shane. He was being greedy taking what time he could from Shane, he knew Shane would get bored of Ilya eventually. Shane would have to, Ilya had nothing to offer but a good fuck. That wouldn’t be enough to keep Shane, but Ilya decided he was determined to get as much time as he could from Shane.

After waking up to texts from Shane, work was more bearable each day. Ilya had a new reason for being here. It wasn’t just that he had to provide for himself, but he wanted extra money to spend on Shane. He wanted to be able to send Shane a thoughtful care package, something more than a case of ginger ale at least. He knew he would never amount to enough for Shane, but he could at least try to pay for some dinners and send Shane something nice. He didn’t mind the extra shifts he was working, only thinking about how he could use the money on Shane.

Ilya hadn’t flown much in his life, he figured if things had gone differently he would have gotten used to flying like Shane probably did being a hockey player, having to fly to games. Ilya was nervous as he got to the airport. He made sure to have all of his documents ready and accessible at all times, he made sure to get there extra early.

He wasn’t surprised when he was ‘randomly selected’ for an extra security search when going through the line. He steeled himself, answered the questions and let them search him like some criminal. They took too long inspecting Ilya’s passport, it made him nervous that someone had tried to flag him and Sveta’s marriage as false. When they finally gave it back and he made it through security he tried to release the new tension from his shoulders and just be happy to be through the line and a step closer to Montreal.

He hadn’t noticed when he was checking in, he wasn’t exactly sure how this all worked. It had been so long since he had flown, but he knew he was boarding group ‘A,’ he hadn’t realized that meant he was boarding first. He hadn’t realized what boarding first meant.

He was shocked when he got to his seat and realized he was in first class. He sat first, the flight attendants offered him a hot towel and a beverage, he was afraid anything would be extra so he denied but the fact the offer was there was a shock. He glanced back past the curtain dividing first class and the rest of the plane, he noticed the seats back there were much more cramped together, they looked harder, less comfortable. He stretched his knee out some, suddenly thankful for the room to be able to do so a bit, he hadn’t realized all of the luxuries. His seat was plusher, he had a movie screen in front of him. The flight wasn’t that long, Ilya didn’t think there was time for a movie but that didn’t stop him from selecting one.

The movie he found was something light, stupid really. It had been a good distraction through the first part of the flight. As the flight went on, Ilya couldn’t help but to think about how much Shane had paid for these seats. How Ilya would have never been able to afford seats on the plane himself, and here he was sitting first class. The thought bristled him. He didn’t want to let it bother him, obviously Shane was rich. He made millions every year just playing hockey, and then he had all of those sponsorships, he probably had more money than Ilya could imagine spending. The seats were probably like a few cents to Shane, but to Ilya they felt like a decent portion of his rent, or maybe his whole rent he really didn’t want to know, was being used to fly two hours. The thought itched his brain, he hated feeling so inferior to Shane. He hated being so inferior to Shane. Shane deserved someone who could have bought his own seat.

Shane deserved someone who didn’t have to flex and stretch his knee every 20 minutes to avoid it from getting too stiff. He was lucky the seat next to his was empty, although he wondered if it was luck or if Shane had bought him out the whole row.

Shane deserved to be with someone who could buy him the whole row.

By the time the plane touched down Ilya’s whole body was tense with his self-consciousness. Suddenly, he was scared to get off the plane.

Shane had seen his shitty studio apartment, the one he could barely afford. The one that was filed with mismatched furniture and cookware he had thrifted. A clothing rack made up his closet.

Shane’s condo building was intimidating. Ilya pulled up to the building in the rideshare that he had refused to let Shane call for him. Shane had already spent so much just for Ilya to be here. The building was something incredibly fancy. There was a doorman, Shane told Ilya he didn’t need to check in with him, just put the code Shane gave him and come up on the elevator. Ilya had kept his head down as he made his way through the lobby. Feeling incredibly out of place as he walked across what looked like marble floors past a man who was wearing a suit working the front desk, the doorman was dressed better than him. His bag had a broken wheel, his jeans were frayed and he was probably the third person to own them, his shoes were dirty and scuffed. Everything on him looked worn down, the state of belongings matching the state of him.

He kept his head down as he typed in the code, hurried into the elevator and tried to calm his nerves as he went upstairs. He tried to remind himself that Shane had wanted him here. Shane wanted him here so much he had flown Ilya into town. He had given Ilya the code to get in the elevator. He wanted Ilya here.

Ilya couldn’t understand why, but he tried to push all of his self-doubt down as the numbers ticked higher on the screen inside the elevator. The numbers changed to a PH and then stopped.

Holy shit Shane lived in a fucking penthouse? Of course he did. Ilya shouldn’t have expected anything else.

He stepped out of the elevator to a small corridor with a front door. Ilya took his bags over and knocked twice.

It took a few moments but then there was Shane, opening the door. He was wearing jeans and a dark t-shirt. His hair was getting longer, Ilya liked it longer. His freckles were radiant as his face spread into a grin. He pulled Ilya inside and kissed him. Then broke the kiss to grab Ilya’s bags.

“You’re here.” Shane said softly.

“I’m here.” Ilya said just as softly, reaching desperate hands into Shane’s shirt to pull him back for another kiss. Shane kissed him back with just as much desperation. They had seen each other a week and a half ago, called everyday, but it wasn’t enough for either of them. They kissed each other and let everything in the world melt away.

When Ilya finally forced himself to pull back, only doing so because he wanted to do more than just kiss Shane in the doorway, he realized Shane had been carrying his bags the entire time. Ilya tried to reach a hand out to take them back but Shane pulled them out of Ilya’s reach.

“No. Shane, let me.” Ilya made another reach for them but Shane pulled them back again, a smile spreading on his face at the game of keep-away he had started.

“I’m sorry sir, please let the staff escort your bags to your room, it’s hotel policy.” Shane said, trying not to smile and failing.

“Ah, well if it is hotel policy.” Ilya said, a grin spreading across his own face. “And where is my room Mr. bellman?” Ilya asked, trying to give a very serious expression. “I will need a king sized bed.” Ilya said, throwing it as an offhanded demand.

“I think that can be arranged, sir.” Shane said, a smile breaking his character, “Right this way sir, we have our best room reserved for you.”

“Da, only the best will do for a man like me.” Ilya said, keeping himself from laughing as he followed Shane past the kitchen and living room, taking them in at a glance. The ceilings were high, the windows took up the entire wall letting you take in the city around you.

Ilya followed Shane upstairs, giddy at the thought of being here. He was in Shane’s penthouse. He was really here. Shane Hollander had asked him to visit and now Ilya was here and Shane was taking Ilya to Shane’s bedroom and everything was better than Ilya could have dreamed.

Shane led Ilya into his room and set Ilya’s bags down by the door. Ilya followed Shane inside. Shane had his hands folded behind his back, he was still failing at stopping the smile that was tilting his lips.

“I hope this room is to your satisfaction sir-” Shane started but Ilya had reached for Shane pushing him into the bed and then straddling him. He held down Shane’s arms and began kissing Shane’s neck.

Through heavy breaths Shane said, “Sir you-” he couldn’t help the moan that broke out of his lips. His voice trembled as he said, “You can’t treat the staff like this.” A lazy smile on Shane’s face, Ilya looked into those bright brown eyes, sparkling up into his own.

“I think I know how the staff likes to be treated by now,” Ilya said and continued kissing Shane.

After becoming well acquainted with Shane’s bed and Shane’s shower, Ilya followed his precious Canadian back downstairs to the kitchen.

“I got stuff to cook for you, I hope you’ll like it.”

“I will like anything my krolik makes me.” Ilya said brushed a hand down Shane’s arm.

Ilya sat on one of the stools and watched Shane pull a pan out and drizzle it in olive oil. Then he went to the cupboard and got a two mixing bowls out. He cracked eggs and whisked them in one. He poured bread crumbs and grated Parmesan into the other. Ilya watched mesmerized. The flex of Shane’s muscles with each movement he made. Shane’s arms looked so good as he grated, Ilya wanted to lick them.

Shane pulled a package of chicken breasts out of the oven and Ilya was too lost watching each muscle in Shane’s body as he cooked. Shane had apparently finished with the chicken and was throwing away the package.

Ilya only then looked at the pan.

“Do you really think we are going to eat 6 pieces of chicken solynyshko?” Ilya asked in a teasing tone.

“The recipe called for six.” Shane said as he got a pot out and filled it with water, then sprinkled a decent bit of salt in.

“So you cut it in half, Shane.” Ilya said. Coming to crowd Shane where he was standing over the pot, waiting for it to boil. Ilya leaned over Shane to look into the pot of still water.

Ilya nudged Shane as he reached to add more salt to the water.

“Go away.” Shane said with a tone that was too giddy to mean it.

Ilya put the salt down and wrapped his arms around Shane.

“Never.” Ilya said softly into Shane’s ear.

“Good.” Shane said in a half whisper back.

They ate at the table, Shane had served them on his fancy plates and with matching silverware. Ilya tried not to catalog the differences between his and Shane’s lives, their houses, or their wallets.

Ilya tried not to think about the fact that this living room was actually the size of his apartment. He couldn’t imagine having this much room to himself.

The food Shane made was good, the texture of the noodles was a bit weird but Ilya didn’t mind since Shane had made it all. They had eaten in mostly silence for a while, Ilya too lost in thought to talk, until Shane broke their silence.

“I hope you like it, apparently we’ll have leftovers.” Shane had tried to joke. He was embarrassed he hadn’t thought about cutting the recipe, obviously six was too much and he hadn’t even made enough pasta for that many because he figured it was better fresh. Chickpea pasta was always better fresh to Shane. Fresh and well rinsed.

“Da. Is very good Shane.”

Shane didn’t like how small Ilya’s voice sounded. Fuck. Maybe he should’ve just done the normal pasta and tried to forget his diet.

“Is everything okay?” Shane hated asking, he could see it in Ilya’s eyes that something was not okay. He could see it in the way he was sitting with his posture too straight, he was holding his fork with too much precision. Each cut of chicken was done too neatly.

“Da. Thank you for dinner.” Ilya looked at him like there was more to say, he opened his mouth but then closed it again and went back to eating his chicken Parmesan in perfect precision.

“Of course. Maybe I should have used normal noodles but usually I think these are pretty good, I don’t know. They’re chickpea, supposed to be better than just carbs. They probably aren’t as good but they’re supposed to be healthier, I don’t know.” Shane was rambling.

“Is all really good. I like the noodles.” Ilya said, stabbing more the the spiraled chickpea pasta and eating it as if to support his claim.

“Was the flight good?” Shane asked, he was worried the seats had been too much but also wanted to treat Ilya right. Ilya deserved his own jet, but that was not eco-friendly and that would be weird for Shane to invest in, so Ilya would have to settle for first class.

“Da. I have not flown a lot before, so cannot compare much.” Ilya finished his pasta and went to sip the Coke Shane had poured him. Shane had used ice in the glass, his fridge had a dispenser for it, that must be nice. Ilya hated having to use his ice-cube trays, he always forgot to refill them so he never had ice.

Shane reached a hand out and took one of Ilya’s in it. “I really missed you. I’m glad you came.” Shane watched as some of the tension seeped from Ilya’s shoulders, his posture relaxing slightly.

Ilya squeezed Shane’s hand, “I missed you too.”

After eating they moved to the couch, Ilya sat first and Shane nestled up to him. The couch was big enough they could sit on opposite ends with only their feet touching, but they stayed together in a bundle. Shane was sitting so close he was practically on Ilya’s lap.

They ended up watching the house renovation shows Shane liked to watch to calm down. They laughed and judged design choices, at one point Ilya pulled Shane’s legs up so Shane was sitting across Ilya’s lap. Ilya had wrapped his arms around Shane holding him closer. Shane felt so safe and warm in Ilya’s arms, protected from the world. Protected from the bad design choices they were laughing about.

“I mean seriously look at that carpet! Is like- what is it called when color glows?”

“Neon.”

“Da! Yes, neon, looks so stupid!” They both laughed because it did look ridiculous.

“It looks like it should be in the break room of a roller rink.” Shane commented.

“I would not know, have never been to a roller rink.” Ilya said. Shane pulled his face from resting from Ilya’s chest.

“Really?” Shane gave him an incredulous look.

“Was not popular where I was, I guess. Too busy with hockey also.”

“Roller skating isn’t too hard, especially if you skate, I’d bet you would be good at it.”

“Mm maybe before.” Ilya said and hugged Shane tighter to him. Shane made a comment about an idiotic landscaping choice and Ilya was thankful for them to move on. Ilya didn’t do more than recommended workouts for his knee, couldn’t risk hurting it playing any sports or skating. He missed the thrill of competition though. He missed just feeling the ice glide under his skate, the soft sounds it could make.

The next morning Shane made them breakfast, Ilya was still pretty tired from their prior night’s activities and was slower to get up. The twinge in his knee was acting up from his time on Shane’s shower tiles yesterday, he stretched it slowly before following Shane to the kitchen.

Ilya enjoyed watching Shane cook again as he sat on his stool, he tried to discreetly massage his knee under the table, he didn’t need Shane to worry. Shane brought their breakfast bowls over and sat his next to Ilya’s at the counter. Ilya snatched his hands up as Shane came over, assuming Shane didn’t notice him massaging his knee. Shane then walked off and came back holding an identical heating pad to the one he had sent Ilya and the topical patches.

“Can I massage it for you, or would one of these help more?” Shane asked as he brought them over.

Ilya felt his throat constrict as he tried to respond, he couldn’t believe Shane had bought him supplies. Shane really did want to take care of him. No one had taken care of him in so long, he forgot what it felt like.

“The pad would be good, I can’t believe you-” The words were stuck in his throat. Shane passed him the pad and Ilya put it on and turned it on, humming at the feeling of the warmth soothing his pain.

Shane sat next to him, put a hand on Ilya’s thigh and squeezed. Ilya spoke a soft, “Thank you.” Shane squeezed his thigh again, “You don’t need to thank me, I want to take care of my boyfriend.” Ilya’s face lit up a bit every time Shane called him that, Shane had noticed before. He wanted to see Ilya’s eyes lighten up, he didn’t want Ilya to feel embarrassed about his knee.

Shane hadn’t initially realized how much it bothered Ilya. He wasn’t sure if it was just flaring up more or if Ilya just was letting Shane in a bit, letting Shane see the pain that Ilya hid from everyone else. Ilya’s job was pretty physical; that couldn’t help with it. Shane didn’t want to push more about having Ilya seek treatments for it, he knew they were expensive and Ilya wouldn’t let Shane pay for them probably. It would probably be too much to offer, and Shane didn’t want to offend Ilya.

They ate and moved to the couch, Ilya was happy to thank Shane for making his knee feel better. Shane ended up having to throw the blankets in the wash and grab fresh ones. He saw one of his puzzles in his closet and brought it out, maybe Ilya liked puzzles. That felt like a good rainy day activity, and it wasn’t like they could go outside together even if it wasn’t raining.

Ilya’s eyes lit up when he saw Shane come back into the room. Shane tossed him the blanket and set the puzzle down on the coffee. He went to sit next to Ilya but Ilya was moving to the floor taking the lid off the box with the energy of a kid on Christmas morning. Shane gave a small laugh.

“We can work on it from the couch, you know.”

“Nyet, this is better access. Puzzles are serious work.” Ilya said and gave Shane a grim expression as he sorted pieces. Shane moved to join him on the floor, happy to follow Ilya’s strategy of creating the border first.

They ate their leftovers and spent the day working on the puzzle, tv on low in the background with hockey game replays and commentary.

“That one is definitely a piece of the pink flowers over here, look at the lines on it.” Shane said, holding up the piece for Ilya’s inspection.

Ilya took it and inspected it closely, like it was going to reveal some secret to him.

“Is part of the flowers over here, look at the leaves.” He passed the piece back to Shane.

Shane looked again and held it up to the flowers Ilya was referring to, he saw almsot immediately where it fit.

“See.” Ilya said with a smug face.

“You are annoyingly good at this.” Shane said, giving Ilya a playful shove.

“Is one of my many talents, Solynyshko.” Ilya said and gave Shane a peck on the cheek.
The puzzle’s picture slowly came together, the garden filling in as they worked diligently with each other, talking about everything and nothing. They had a few more debates over piece placement, and Ilya always won.

It started to sleet outside, they bundled up and picked a movie to watch. They were both half paying attention to it. Ilya was running his hands down Shane’s body, tracing every inch of him. Ilya was trying to memorize the curves of Shane’s body, he had never felt so happy in his life.

Today was probably the best day of Ilya’s whole life. His boyfriend had made him breakfast, and they ate the delicious leftovers from the dinner Shane had made him the night before, one of Ilya’s favorite foods. They spent the whole day fucking and talking and working on this puzzle, Ilya had forgotten how fun puzzles were, he loved doing them. He loved it even more with Shane at his side, stealing touches as they worked in harmony.

Ilya didn’t want it to end but he was exhausted from his fourth orgasm of the day and Shane was so warm against him in bed. He really had never felt so happy. Not since before, not since he had lost his mom.

He wondered what she would think of him now. Would she be disappointed like his father? Would she like Shane? Ilya wanted to think she would have, wanted to think his mom just wanted him happy and didn’t care who with. No one else in Ilya’s life, outside of Svetlana and now Shane, had really just accepted Ilya. His mom had always loved him, had always cared for his scrapped knees and hockey injuries, and never got mad like Ilya’s father when Ilya made a mistake. She was perfect. She would have liked Shane, he was perfect too.

“Where are you right now?” Shane’s voice broke Ilya from his thoughts, he felt one of Shane’s hands come up and brush under his eyes, collecting tears that had yet to spill. Ilya hadn’t realized he was almost crying.

His voice came out too strained, “I was thinking about my mother.”

“Oh.” Shane’s voice came out small. “Do you ever talk to her?” Shane asked. Ilya had never mentioned his mom before, Shane was worried she had possibly treated Ilya like his father had.

“No, she died when I was 12.” Ilya’s voice was soft, a half whisper almost.

Ilya hadn’t spoken about his mom in a long time. He had really only spoken to Sveta and that was when it had happened more so. Sveta knew it was painful for Ilya, she didn’t bring Ilya’s mom up because of it. Ilya just didn’t know how to talk about her without crying. Like he was doing now.

“I’m so sorry, Ilya.” Shane said and shifted to pull Ilya’s head against his chest, running soothing motions through Ilya’s hair and down his back. He let Ilya cry into his chest, feeling his t-shirt dampen but not caring. “How did it happen?” Shane probably shouldn’t have asked, but he was too curious.

“Accident.” Ilya said, muffled into Shane’s chest, he pulled back enough to look up at Shane. “She accidentally slowed a whole bottle of pills. That’s what papa said. An accident.” Ilya had tears streaming down his face, eyes red and puffy. He looked so devastated, Shane couldn’t imagine losing his own mom like that.

He pulled Ilya back into him, cradling Ilya against him, rocking with him as Ilya cried.

“I do not want you to think she was weak, she wasn’t.” Ilya said through his tears, breath unsteady as he spoke.

“Of course not, Ilya.” Shane spoke softly, brushing a hand through Ilya’s hair as he spoke.

“She was so smart, and so brave, and beautiful, but she was so sad Shane. My father was so cruel to her, he would not help her, only made it worse.” Ilya leaned more into Shane as he spoke. “I found her, I was twelve.” He said the last part in a half whisper.

“Oh, Ilya.” Shan’es voice was soft but still in surprise. His boyfriend had been so young when he had lost his mom, so young when he had found her. God, Shane couldn’t imagine the pain his boyfriend was in. “I’m so sorry.” Shane hugged him closer and let Ilya cry into his chest, eventually Ilya’s breathing calmed some.

“I think she would have liked you,” Ilya’s voice was raw and quiet. Shane kissed the top of Ilya’s head. “I’m so glad she gave me you. I would have liked her.”

Ilya nestled into Shane, Shane held him until they both fell asleep.

The next morning Ilya woke up, still wrapped up in Shane’s arms. He was so embarrassed for crying like that, for unloading all of that on Shane. Shane didn’t need to carry the weight that Ilya did. Shane now knew about all of the broken pieces of Ilya’s life.

A lost mother. A lost hockey career. A broken body. A family who hated him. A shit job. A shit apartment. Ilya’s entire life was like some Russian tragedy, surely Shane would have realized Ilya was too much, that Ilya carried too much with him to be worth anyone’s time.

Shane was still sleeping and Ilya refused to move an inch, he allowed himself to feel safe and warm in Shane’s arms. Once again trying to commit the feeling of every muscle and contour of Shane’s body under him, the weight of his arms around Ilya. He was still holding Ilya close, like Ilya was someone worth protecting.

Ilya tried to memorize the inside of Shane’s room. The bookshelf in the corner, Ilya could make out a few of the spines as books on player’s biographies or on strategy. There were small frames mixed in between metal bookends, there were snapshots of Shane and some kids, the Pike kids, Ilya assumed. Some photos of him and his parents. Ilya’s eyes had passed over it at first, figuring it was just some youth team lineup photo but then he looked closer. It was Regina. Ilya couldn't quite make himself out but he knew he was in that picture. He had it too, that’s how he recognized it so easily. Shane had a picture of Ilya in his room. God it would kill Ilya when Shane finally ended things with him. It would crush whatever was left of Ilya’s heart, but he was willing to endure it all just for the moments they’d already had.

Ilya was sure this would be his last time in this apartment. You didn’t exactly invite the guy back who spent one of the nights crying in your bed. Shane would probably break up with Ilya once Ilya was home. Hopefully Shane would be happy to let Ilya make last night up to him today.

It was a while before Shane had stirred. Ilya had made a mental map of Shane’s room, cataloged everything he could see and tried his best to commit it all to memory.

“Good morning,” Shane said, hugging Ilya closer.

“Good morning,” Ilya responded. He was facing away from Shane, out towards the room still so Shane couldn’t see the embarrassment written across his face as he said, “I’m sorry about last night.” His voice was small, he was ready for Shane to pull back, to tell Ilya it was too much.

“Don’t apologize, Ilya. I’m glad you told me, I hate that it happened to you, but I’m honored you shared it with me. I know you deeper now, don’t ever apologize for that. I want to know everything about you.” As Shane spoke he wrapped himself tighter around Ilya, hoping to pour all of his affection through the touch.

“Okay.” Ilya’s voice was quiet, Shane could tell Ilya didn’t believe him. He pressed a kiss to Ilya’s neck. “I mean it, I hope you know that. I want to know everything, nothing is going to be too much.” Shane kissed him again. Ilya melted into the touch that time, relaxing more into Shane.

God Ilya wanted that to be true.

They had a slow breakfast, Shane took Ilya into the room that was his home-gym. Ilya was embarrassed to realize this home gym was as big as his apartment, it was way nicer than any gym Ilya had been in. State of the art equipment and machines, clean mats and long mirrors covering the tall walls. The room was painted a soft beige, Shane flicked the lights on and they were dimmed down like yoga studio lights. He adjusted the panel on the wall and the room’s lighting shifted, becoming brighter, filling with the warm light from the hidden bulbs on the ceiling.

Ilya asked Shane to take him through his usual workout so that's what they did. Ilya couldn’t quite keep up on the treadmill but he could lift as much as Shane. Shane gave him adaptations for some of the exercises he did for Ilya’s knee, Ilya was grateful for them, but embarrassed he couldn’t do everything Shane could do.
Shane loved working out with Ilya, he loved the look of competition in Ilya’s eye, the challenge as they went through rep after rep. He had looked up adaptations for everything before Ilya came, in case they ended up in the gym. He was happy to see Ilya use them, to know his knee would feel stronger but hopefully not hurt more from them. They also put Ilya in some very interesting positions, Shane couldn’t help himself from admiring the contours of Ilya’s form. The way his biceps flexed as he did a movement. The way his ass looked as he moved through one of the adapted workouts, Shane could bite it.

As Ilya moved through his adapted workouts, it was hard to focus on his embarrassment when he had the view of sweaty, muscle swollen Shane Hollander. It took everything in him not to just take Shane right here on the mats, lick the sweat off him.

Shad had announced a final set, Ilya was only too happy to crawl over Shane once he was finished, laying panting on the floor. Ilya straddled him and slowly licked his way up Shane’s throat.

“Ew. I’m gross, Ilya.” Shane said, but moving his neck so Ilya could have better access.

“Nyet, never gross.” Ilya said, then ran his tongue down the length of Shane’s throat again, feeling the race of Shane’s heart as he went. “You taste so good, Shane.”

“But I’m all sweaty.” Shane said, moving to face Ilya. Ilya kissed Shane like he was trying to devour him, Shane hummed into the kiss, taking it deeper. When Ilya pulled back he said, “You are so pretty like this.” Shane felt his ears burn.

“I’m all gross and sweaty from my workout, not pretty at all. I probably look like a mess.”

Ilya kissed him again, then ran his hand down Shane’s torso. Twirling his fingers around Shane’s nipple, Shane moaned in response. Ilya’s hand traveled slowly further, before cupping Shane’s erection through his shorts. Ilya loved how short they were, Shane’s slutty little workout shorts. He hated the idea of other people seeing Shane working out in them, he was irresistible.

“You are so beautiful Shane, so strong and sexy.” Ilya said, kissing him before toying with the edge of Shane’s waistband. Shane’s eyes were bright and full of lust, his mouth spread in a smile. A small nod of his chin was Ilya needed apparently. Shane shut his eyes as Ilya worked him. Ilya loved watching Shane lose himself in the pleasure Ilya was giving him. Ilya’s hand moved down Shane’s cock, the precum Shane had when they kissed all Ilya needed.

“So ready for me, Hollander,” Ilya said, kissing Shane’s neck, grazing his teeth along the muscle there. Shane shivered at the sensation it gave him. He felt himself coming undone in his shorts.

Ilya was too happy with himself for wrecking Shane’s slutty little workout shorts. They laid together for a few moments, before Ilya moved slowly off Shane and reached a hand to pull Shane up. Shane took it, and suddenly felt gross in his shorts.

“Ugh, I need to shower, and wash these shorts. You made me wreck them.” Shane complained, but not really, moving to dispose of his shorts in the laundry room.

Ilya laughed following him, “Was your fault for wearing those little shorts,” Ilya said, pinching Shane’s waist as they walked. “You were driving me crazy in them.” Shane blushed at that. Ilya was only too happy to let Shane return the favor for him in the shower later.

When they got out of the shower, Ilya went to grab some clothes from his suitcase and grabbed out the dark green hoodie for Shane. Shane was in a soft t-shirt and his boxers moving towards the bed. Ilya put the hoodie on Shane’s dresser, leaving it for Shane to notice on his own.

After two days together, Ilya felt so much closer to Shane. He knew Shane had a certain order for everything and had certain routines for things and was determined to learn them all. Learn the orders. Learn the routines.

It was devastating to have to leave Shane, he really didn’t want to go. Shane walked him out and to the elevator, holding Ilya’s hand the entire time.

“I know my next game in Boston is in a week and a half, and I’ll see you then, but that's too long. Call me everyday, please?” Shane asked as they waited for the elevator.

“Da. I will call you every day. Text you from airport and when I get home and all.” Ilya said, giving Shane a final kiss. The elevator arrived and Ilya got inside. Shane pulled him for one final kiss, stretching it as long as could, dreading the moment Ilya would be gone.

When Shane pulled back he said, “Thank you for coming.” in a voice so small. Ilya decided they had time for one more ‘final kiss,’ at this point he could just be late to his flight. He pulled back, knowing he really did need to get downstairs and in the cab he called and went back to his miserable life in Boston.

“Thank you for having me. I will talk to you when I get back.” Ilya squeezed Shane in one final hug and then let Shane step back off the elevator.

“I’ll miss you.” Shane said as he looked at Ilya in the elevator.

“I’ll miss you too, solynyshko.” Ilya said before the doors started to close.

Ilya tightened his grip on his bag and watched the numbers on the fancy little screen get smaller. Montreal had been a dream, it was time to go back to Boston and wake up.

Chapter End Notes

hope you guys enjoyed!!! the next chapter is almost done but I'm not sure when I'll finish tbh but next week at latest! thank you all for all of the kudos and comments they warm my lil heart so much and are truly motivating. loved writing this chapter genuinely teared up at one part like oof. Next chapter is a lot lol- we see a bit more of Shane's life and Shane's thoughts about everything and plot begins to thicken more ! Also this may end up being longer idk I have a planned timeline that goes to like august of the year they are in and we are in november so yall do the math on that lmao, i just keep writing so much more than intended for each bit but like its what flows lmao

Chapter 8: Falling

Chapter Notes

sorry this chapter took soooooo long to finish trust i had reasons lmao but hope yall enjoy!!

Ilya groaned as he woke up, it had been a few days since he had returned from Montreal, and to his surprise there was no break-up text or call. There wasn’t even the notion that Shane wanted to break-up as he had continued to text Ilya saying he couldn’t wait for the Boston game. Shane continued to text him and call him. Shane might actually like Ilya. Ilya couldn’t believe it, he couldn’t understand why, but he couldn’t help the seed of hope that had formed in his chest that Shane might want to keep him for a while.

Ilya reached for his phone, wanting to send Shane a good morning and saw he had a notification from Shane. It was a picture of Shane cuddled in his bed, wearing Ilya’s hoodie.

Ilya wished he could be in that bed, cuddling next to Shane. He texted Shane back.

Lily: Good morning solynyshko you look very sexy in that hoodie

Shane: Good morning. Thank you, my boyfriend gave it to me.

Ilya felt his chest warm.

Lily: He must have good taste

Jane: The best. It’s my new favorite.

Jane: I miss you, I wish you were here.

Lily: Me too

Lily: score a goal for me tonight

Jane: All of my goals are for you.

Jane: Stop texting me and get ready for work, you’ll be late.

Ilya laughed and responded.

Lily: bossy

Lily: can I call you on my walk

Jane: Yes, please.

That had become a new routine for them, if Shane was available when Ilya had to walk to work, they would talk during the commute. Shane had mentally noted how long Ilya’s walk was, kept track of Ilya’s hours and schedule, so he could arrange his days to be available when Ilya was, as much as he could.

Shane had another care package on the way, it had his jersey from last season in it and Russian candies he had found at a small Russian boutique he found in Montreal, and according to the tracking it should be there when Ilya gets home, he really hoped so.

Shane moved through the morning skate like usual, laughed at the right jokes, chimed in when he was supposed to. He was good at following the script he had made for his life, it was easy. He texted Ilya throughout the day, jokes about practice, and complaints about players. Shane knew he was only adding fuel for Ilya’s teasing of the Metros, but he didn’t mind the teasing, and mixed in was actually good ideas for the team. Shane wondered if Ilya had ever considered coaching, he would be good at it.

Their game was against Buffalo at home, it was an easy win, the locker room was in good spirits after. Shane was quick to shower and change, hoping to get home to call Ilya soon. Shane was reaching for his phone, hoping to see a text from Ilya about the care package, he was curious if Ilya would like the candies. The lady at the store had said they were really popular, so Shane hoped Ilya would like them and maybe recognize them. Shane had picked up on the fact that Ilya had mixed feelings for his home country, but Ilya clearly loved Russian food. He had asked Shane offhandedly if Shane would be interested in trying some, and Shane was probably too enthusiastic when he replied basically begging Ilya to make him some. Ilya was a ridiculously good chef, it made Shane want to be better at it. Maybe Shane could learn a Russian recipe for Ilya’s next visit and surprise him with it? He grabbed his phone, ready to text Ilya and look up easy Russian recipes when he felt Hayden clap him on the shoulder.

“Good game, Captain! That last shot was a thing of beauty.” Hayden’s voice was loud as he spoke, energy from the game still sizzling in him.

“Thanks, it was a good one. Buffalo’s not too tough though.” Shane replied, putting his phone in his bag deciding it was safer to text and research later, when no prying eyes could catch his screen.

“Jackie’s dying for you to come for dinner, dude. The kids too. Wanna come tonight?” Hayden asked, smile in his voice.

Shane hadn’t been spending enough time with the Pikes, he really should go.

“Alright, yeah. I’ll see you at yours?” Shane asked, slinging his bag on his shoulder.

“Yes! See you in a bit, dude.” Hayden said, grabbing his phone to probably text Jackie.

It was nice being with the Pike’s. He let Jade and Ruby show him their new toys, he let Arthur show him his new truck collection, and he was happy to eat the ‘Shane-approved diet’ that Jackie had made. It was good to catch up with his friends.

He had been here a million times, helped with bedtimes and diapers, but he had never really considered having any of this for himself. As he watched Jackie and Hayden move together, putting the kids to bed and running through their established routine, Shane finally wondered what it would be like for himself? He wondered if Ilya would be a good dad, he thought so. Ilya had always had good advice for Shane when he asked about the Pike kids, Shane wondered what Ilya would really be like around them. He suddenly could picture Ilya playing with them on the living room floor, dressed up in Ruby and Jade’s costume supplies. He had never pictured himself doing the whole parenting thing before, but now? It didn’t seem so bad.

He had made it almost through the whole night without them asking about his dating life. He had stuck around to hang out for a bit after bed time, Jackie had a glass of wine still poured, Hayden still had a beer going, and Shane was sipping his ginger ale when Hayden brought it up.

“So Jackie has this friend…”

“Hayd-” Shane tried, he couldn’t go through this whole thing again, and this time he couldn’t even take the girl out for a pretend date. It wouldn’t be right for Ilya’s boyfriend to go on pretend dates with women.

“Hear me out, man, Jackie has this friend. She’s a personal trainer, really cool. You should take her out sometime, maybe we could do a double thing.” Hayden tried, he kept his tone light but Shane could see how badly Hayden wanted Shane to take him up on the offer.

“Hayden, thanks man but I’m not really dating right now.” Shane said, looking down at his glass.

“Dude, are you sure?” Hayden asked.

What did that mean? “Um-” Shane wasn’t really sure what to say there.

“Honey, I don’t think this was really the way to ask about this.” Jackie said softly, slipping a hand over Hayden’s shoulder. “Hayden is wondering if maybe you already are seeing someone.”

Oh. Well fuck. Shane knew he was a shit liar. He wasn’t going be able to lie when asked directly about seeing someone. Maybe he could just keep it vague.

“I’ve just noticed you glued to your phone a lot, and smiling at it weird. I don’t know.” Hayden said with a shrug.

Shane took a deep breath, okay so he wasn’t as subtle as he thought he was being. Good to know.
“Well. I mean, yeah I’m kind of with someone in Boston.” There. Hopefully that would be enough.

“Shane! Why didn’t you say anything, is it serious?” Jackie exclaimed, coming over to sit on Shane’s side and picking up her glass. “Spill!”

“Um.” Well, I-” Shane didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to lie and say it wasn’t serious, even though that would probably end the questioning. It was serious to Shane. Shane took Ilya very seriously. So many people had caused Ilya so much hurt, Shane really didn’t want to be one of them.

On the other hand Shane wasn’t really ready to come out to Jackie and Hayden. He had spoke to Rose about it, and he thought they would be supportive but once someone in the hockey world knows everything will change. Once Hayden knows, he could tell people. Shane knew Hayden wouldn’t, Hayden was his best friend, he trusted Hayden, but that fear of ‘what if’ still lingered.

Too long had gone without Shane explaining, Shane knew that. Jackie and Hayden were sharing a concerned glance with each other. Fuck, Shane had to say something.

“It is, I think. It’s still new, I’m not really ready to talk about it.” Shane said, voice in a forced calm for the response.

“Oh, well that’s okay, Shane. We’re glad you have someone.” Jackie said.

“Yeah dude, we were starting to worry you were like some hockey eunuch." Hayden said, patting Shane on the shoulder.

“Definitely not a eunuch.” Shane grumbled.

“You don’t have to tell us anything until you’re ready, but I hope you know we just want you to be happy. We support whoever you’re dating.” Shane caught Jackie’s eye, and she could see a glimmer of something like she knew somehow. He looked to Hayden to see if he had the same knowing gaze but his was normal, he was back to drinking his beer.

“Thank you.” Shane told her.

He left that night feeling off. He sort of wished he had just told them. He wanted to have more than one person to talk to Ilya about. He hadn’t thought about if things were serious, he hadn’t really thought of the long term plan with Ilya yet. It was still new, and it was probably too early to think of plans, but that didn’t stop Shane from picturing Ilya playing with the Pike kids tonight. If he ever wanted that to happen he would need a plan. He would need to be brave enough to tell the people who love him about the man he loves. He needed to come out to them.

Shane knew he wasn’t ready to come out to the world. There was too much that could go wrong. He didn’t want to lose his career, what if no team would take him? He knew the guys in his locker room weren’t all ‘safe’ to come out to anyway, he’s heard the comments over the years. He’s managed to tune them out, let them wash over him and not affect him but the words still stuck.

He was already one of the only asian hockey players, he didn’t want to be seen as the ‘gay’ hockey player too. He could already hear his mom going on about brand-optimization. Being gay was not part of his current brand his mom had helped him build, it would be a massive shift. Even if he kept playing, he would probably lose his sponsorships. Not that he really needed the money at this point, but he didn’t want to lose pieces of the life he’s built.

He considered all of this on his drive home, head swirling with it. He felt dazed by the time he made it into his apartment. He texted Ilya he was home and went to shower, moving mechanically.

Ilya deserved to be more than just Shane’s secret. He deserved to actually see some of Montreal when he visited, not just stay in Shane’s. Shane could go out and be seen with him as a friend, but the idea that a tabloid would make up a story too close to the truth terrified Shane. If Shane couldn’t take Ilya outside, he could at least let Ilya into his world fully. That would mean introducing Ilya to the people in his life, introducing them to Ilya, and everyone knowing Shane was gay and had a boyfriend. It was too much.

He got out of the shower and saw a text from Ilya.

Lily: Was Hayden’s fun

Jane: Yeah, it was good to see the kids.

Shane settled into his bed, Ilya should be asleep he was working early tomorrow. Shane wanted to call him, but he didn’t want to keep Ilya up. Shane’s phone started vibrating. Ilya was calling him. Thank god.

“Hi solynyshko.” Ilya said, his voice was a bit raw, he sounded tired.

“Hi mishka.” Shane said softly, a little nervous to try out the nickname he had learned for Ilya.

Ilya laughed, Shane turned up the phone volume so the sound of Ilya’s laugh could fill his room. He loved that laugh.

“Where did you learn this?” Ilya asked, voice brighter than before.

“I can’t give away all of my secrets, Ilya.” Shane said, trying to sound coy.

“Mmm, so you are not learning Russian phrases for someone?” Ilya asked.

“Not just phrases. It’s a hard language to learn.” Shane said, he was a bit embarrassed to admit he was trying to learn. It felt like too much too soon, but Shane wanted to understand Ilya better and he figured Ilya didn’t get to talk in his native language much. It would be nice if Shane could give that to Ilya, although at this rate it would take years.

“Da. Probably harder than English.” Ilya said thoughtfully. “Are you really trying to learn?” Ilya asked.

“Yeah, my boyfriend speaks Russian, thought it would be nice to know.” Shane said, trying to sound casual.

“Do you want me to help teach you?” Ilya asked, his voice had less of the bravado it did earlier.

“I would love that, Ilya.”

“Then I will. I am very good teacher, you will see.” Ilya said, Shane could hear the returned confidence and smile in his voice.

“Oh, I know you are.” Shane said, “Will you give me a reward for doing good?”

“Da. Am already planning rewards now. Reward for alphabet, reward for greetings, will be good system.”

“I can’t wait.” Shane sighed into the phone, “I wish you were here.”

“Da. Me too.” Ilya’s voice was soft.

“You should go to bed, you have work early tomorrow.” Shane said, but he didn’t want to hang up.

“I know, but I wanted to talk to you.” Shane’s heart clenched, Ilya was staying up for him.

“I’m glad you did.” Shane said quietly.

“Me too.” Ilya replied with a yawn.

Shane got himself situated in bed, “Do you want to stay on the phone until you go to sleep.”

“Da. Good night, Shane.”

“Good night, Ilya.”

So that's what they did. Shane listened as Ilya’s breathing deepened, and he knew Ilya was asleep. He let himself fall asleep to the sound of Ilya breathing, pretending that Ilya was in bed with him.

Shane’s parents came into town for a day, Shane was nervous to have lunch with them. He wanted to tell them about Ilya, but not today, not at some restaurant. He could have made plans to have his parents come back to his place, or to just have lunch there, but he wasn’t ready. He needed more time. He needed to have a plan.

“Honey, were you listening?” Yuna asked.

Shane had not been listening, he was thinking for the millionth time how a relationship with Ilya could work long term. Would Ilya want to move to Canada? Would he? Shane couldn’t see himself living in the U.S. but it was probably easier for Shane to trade to a U.S. team than for Ilya to immigrate again. Shane didn’t want to trade teams, he was supposed to retire a Metro. That was the goal.

“Sorry, no. What were you saying?”

“I was saying your dad and I were thinking about a trip for New Years, or maybe for all of Christmas. Somewhere we could warm up for a week, relax a little.”

“Oh. Um.” Shane didn’t know about that. “Isn’t it kind of early to talk about this?” Shane asked.

“No, we would need to book everything now. Its mid-November, we don’t want to wait too long.” Yuna responded. “We don’t have to, it was just an idea.”

“I-” Shane wasn’t sure what to say. He really hadn’t even thought about Christmas. He liked their usual tradition of Christmas at home, Shane didn’t get to go home a lot during the season, he liked getting to for Christmas. In the back of his mind a small voice asked, what about Ilya? What about Ilya?

“I don’t think I want to go anywhere for Christmas, sorry.” Shane said, then an idea popped into his head. “You guys should take a trip after Christmas, I’ll pay for it, it would be nice for you. I was thinking of recharging at my cottage for a few days anyway.”

He could invite Ilya to the cottage.

“Oh, well you don’t have to do that, Shane-” Yuna started.

Shane cut her off, “No, I want to. Book the trip after Christmas and let me pay for it, please Mom.”

It took a bit more convincing, but now Shane had a plan for Ilya to come to the cottage. He wasn’t sure if Stadium staff got the full two weeks off, but he hoped Ilya could come for at least a few days. The break started on the 21st, if he went to the cottage on the 26th, they would have almost a week and a half together. Their longest stretch. Shane wanted that.

When Shane got home he felt a little better. Maybe after the cottage he would start feeling brave enough to come out to some of his people. Maybe he could ask Ilya about it there. Shane was worried Ilya already had Christmas plans, or worse, he would be spending Christmas alone. Shane hated the idea of Ilya alone on Christmas, while Shane was warm and cozy at his parents’ surrounded by comfort.

It was a few days before the game, before he would be back in Boston and see the man who had shifted Shane’s entire axis. It felt like too long. He called Rose while he waited for Ilya to be available to call him.

“Hey!” Rose picked up, voice bright.

“Hey.” Shane said, a bit sullenly.

“Oh no, what happened?” Rose asked accusatorily.

Shane debriefed her on his spiral about coming out and about Christmas.

“Well have you talked to this sexy Russian man you won’t show me a picture of about it?” Rose asked.

“No, I don’t really know how. I mean, Ilya’s family wasn’t supportive,” that was an understatement, “so he hasn’t minded being like, hidden, but I don’t want him to think I'm like ashamed to be with him or ashamed to be gay or something.”

“Uh huh. So if you aren’t ashamed why not be out?” Rose asked, then quickly, “Sorry that was harsh, I didn’t mean it like that.” She supplied.

“No, I know. It’s fucked up. You know there aren’t any gay hockey players-”

Rose cut him off, “Well clearly there’s one, there’s probably more closeted guys in the league, Shane. It’s a big league.”

“Yeah but no ‘out’ players. If I come out first, I could lose everything.” Shane said. It was so obvious, why couldn’t she see that?

“I mean, it would be illegal for your team to like retaliate against you for being gay, and there has to be some accepting teams in the league. Also you’re like the best player, so even if the Metros didn’t want you someone would.” Rose said calmly.

“Yeah probably someone like Ottawa, I’d never win a cup again.” Shane argued.
“Maybe not, but you probably would. Hadn’t it been like a decade before the Metros went to the playoffs before you joined?”

They both knew the answer was yes.

“Rose-”

“And even if you didn’t win another cup you could be out, live a life with this sexy Russian man you’re clearly mad about.”

“I guess.” Shane mumbled.

“You guess?” Rose asked incredulously.

“I mean-”

“No, Shane. At the end of the day you just have to figure out what’s more important to you. Hockey or being yourself and being happy with someone you could love one day.”

“It’s not fair that I’d have to chose.”

“I don’t really think you do, Shane, but you probably will have to compromise to have both. Can you compromise with hockey?”

“I don’t know.” Shane said honestly. He didn’t.

“Well then that’s what you have to decide.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, Shane. I wish this was easier for you.” Rose said sincerely.

“Me too.” Shane grumbled.

“I have to get back to set, call me later this week or next? Let me know how Boston goes if we don’t call before then.”

“I will, bye Rose. Thank you.”

“Of course, Shane, I’m always here for you.”

Shane didn’t feel better after his call with Rose, he just had more to think about. He wasn’t sure what he wanted in life, all he knew was that right now he wanted to see Ilya. He wished he could teleport to Boston.

The days leading up to the home game against the Metros were a slog for Ilya. He scheduled more shifts, saving for Shane. He went to the gym more, used the adapted workouts Shane had given him and noticed they were helping his knee a bit. He also used the pain relief supplies Shane had gotten, and his knee was feeling better overall from them, which was nice.

Work was boring as usual, becoming a bit more unbearable than it used to be. Being Shane’s boyfriend, Ilya has learned a lot about the life of a hockey player. It makes it harder to have to clean the stadium, watching the Raiders practice, thinking about what Ilya could’ve been. What Ilya could’ve had.

It felt more like a personal slight than just people being careless when he had to clean the locker rooms and they were left in a mess. Hockey players didn’t seem to care about throwing things away into actual trash cans, didn’t care about marking up mirrors, leaving hairs on the walls, or leaving surprises in the toilets. Hockey players were gross. They were careless for the staff supporting them most of the time, especially to the facilities staff, Ilya thought.

He thought about Shane, Shane probably never left a mess. Shane was so tidy in his home, so conscientious, Shane wasn’t like the idiots on the Raiders. He wanted so badly to be in Montreal, to be in Shane’s apartment.

Ilya striped his overalls off, and trudged home like normal. He threw on some workout shorts and ran down to the shitty gym in his building, he did his workout and came upstairs and showered. He was enjoying the food he had meal-prepped on his last day off. He had never thought to do that before, but it was something Shane did, so Ilya had tried it and was now spending his off days cooking and preparing meals for the week. THat was his plan for tomorrow. Shane had an afternoon game, so Ilya would cook and watch it at home. He was exhausted, but was hoping to catch Shane if he could before he went to bed.

His phone rang and his heart skipped a beat hoping to see Shane’s name, but it was Svetlana. Ilya’s heart fell a bit, he picked up.

“Hello.” He said, a bit morose.

“Hello Ilyushka, is this how you greet me? Sounding so sad? You have tomorrow off, come out with me tonight. It has been too long.”

“Not tonight, Sveta. I have stuff to do tomorrow.” He felt bad, it had been a long time since they had just seen each other and hung out.

“You are so busy now Ilya, what is keeping you from seeing me? Have you finally met someone?” She asked, her tone less playful than her voice implied.

“Maybe. It is new, I am not ready to talk about it.” That was a lie. Ilya wanted to talk about it. He wanted to tell someone, anyone, about his secret life with Shane Hollander. He knew he could trust Sveta, and that she would never tell anyone, but it was Shane’s career on the line. Ilya knew Shane wasn’t out or ready to be, and he knew the cost coming out could have, Ilya wouldn’t force Shane into anything. He also couldn’t tell Sveta about Shane.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t allude to it being a man, just not Shane.

“He is very private, and not out. I want to respect his privacy.”

“Who is he that he cannot be out? Why?” Sveta asked.

“Sveta, you know there are a lot of reasons people don’t come out.” Ilya chided.

“Mmm. I do not like someone keeping you as their secret.”

“I am not some secret, he is just not ready for people to know about him.” Ilya said.

“You are a secret, Ilya. You should not be with someone who hides you.” She said, a bit too brashly.

“You do not know him, Sveta. This is why I didn’t want to say anything, you don’t understand. He is perfect. Perfect boyfriend, he is so good to me. No one has made me feel like this, I do not want to lose him.” Ilya wasn’t sure how to make her see that he wanted this, he didn’t mind being hidden if he could have Shane. “He is so much better than me, Sveta, I am not even sure why he is with me but I am keeping him for as long as I can.” Ilya said in a rush, words spilling out defending Shane.

“Oh, Ilya. You are worth so much, no one is better than you. You are best. Do not speak about yourself like this. You deserve to be with someone in the sunshine.”

“He is my sunshine, Sveta. I am worth nothing, you know this.” He hated the look she gave him as he said this but Ilya knew he was right. “I have nothing to offer anyone, is miracle he chose me.”

“Ilya, you are worth so so much, you are so smart and kind and funny. He is lucky to have you.”

Ilya decided it wasn’t good to keep arguing, Sveta was just trying to make him feel better but they both knew Ilya’s life was a mess. “Okay, fine.”

“I wish I thought you believed me.” Sveta said, yeah me too Ilya wanted to reply.

“Can I come over and we do spa night then? No going out?”

“Da. We can do spa night. I do not have supplies though.” Ilys said.

“Don’t worry, I will bring, and I will bring wine. I need Ilyushka time.”

Shane woke up to a photo of Ilya with eye patches under his eyes and his hair back in a headband. He looked ridiculous, Shane wanted to make it his wallpaper, if only he could.

Jane: That’s a hot look.

Lily: Is no? Thought you would enjoy

Jane: I did. Did you have a solo spa night?

Lily: No, Sveta came over. Was too long since we have hung out, she was complaining I have been too busy lately

Shane tried not to mind that Sveta was technically Ilya’s ex-wife. That she had been at Ilya’s apartment. Ilya had told Shane they were always more platonic, even though they had fucked. Shane wanted to not care, he knew Sveta was one of the only people in Ilya’s life who had cared for him, who had fought for him, but he couldn’t stop the pit of jealously in his stomach.

Jane: I wish I was there.

Lily: Me too

Lily: You would like Sveta

Jane: Yeah?

Lily: da she knows more about hockey than anyone

Jane: Than me? Really?

Lily: She is like hockey witch shane

Lily: and she is always right about who will win the cup

Jane: Who did she say this year?

Lily: Not telling

Shane wanted to joke about maybe he’d ask Sveta himself but that was too much, he wasn’t ready for all of that yet.

He wanted to be. The cottage could be a good first step in getting himself there. Shane spent the remaining days leading up to his next Boston game planning the perfect strategy to ask.

Ilya was pacing around his apartment. Shane’s flight had been delayed, meaning the team was getting in later than planned. Shane should probably just sleep at the hotel and not bother to come to Ilya’s tonight, Ilya had told him it was okay if Shane just wanted to come tomorrow, but Shane insisted. So here Ilya was pacing his apartment at 11:30pm. It was too late to have any fun with Shane, Ilya wouldn’t let Shane stay up. The game tomorrow would be a tough one, and Montreal’s last two games haven’t been great. Ilya knew Shane was bothered by it, that Shane wanted this win. Maybe it was Ilya’s growing vendetta against his own team for the way they treated the stadium, but Ilya wanted the Metros to win too.

The knock was soft at the door. Ilya raced over and threw it open. He immediately had his arms around Shane, pulling him inside and reaching for his bag.

“I missed you.” Ilya said, face pressed to Shane’s hair. Shane was hugging Ilya back, squeezing Ilya against him. Clutching him like Ilya would float away if he loosened his grip any. Ilya kissed the top of Shane’s head and then kissed his lips, then pulled Shane’s face back to look at him. Shane had shadows under his eyes, he looked tired.

“You look tired, sweetheart.” Ilya said.

Shane smiled at the nickname, “I’m not too-” he started but then yawned, “okay, maybe.”

“Do you want to shower, get plane off of you and then sleep?” Ilya asked, he had picked up that Shane liked to be clean getting in bed. Ilya tried to make it part of his routine as well.

“Sheets are clean, I will shower with you, sounds good?” Ilya asked, pulling Shane closer and reveling at the warmth of hugging him. Feeling his broad, muscled back under Ilya’s arms. His silky hair, tickling Ilya’s neck.

“Yes, please.” Shane spoke against Ilya’s neck.

Ilya led him into his bathroom, he had deep cleaned it multiple times and bought nicer towels. He wasn’t sure if Shane had noticed, it still wasn’t a nice bathroom, but Ilya really had tried to make it nicer. He had also bought a new shower liner and curtain, and got bath mats. The money from those extra shifts was helping. Ilya had tried to elevate the space a bit more for Shane, Shane deserved it.

Ilya took care of Shane in the shower, making sure any tension Shane had was released so he would feel better, and hopefully sleep better. He guided Shane to his bed and tucked Shane in, curling himself around Shane. Shane hummed into Ilya’s embrace. Ilya held him closer, he pressed a kiss to Shane’s temple.

“Sleep my krolik, I will be here tomorrow.” Ilya said softly, and cuddled himself as tight as he could into Shane, he could feel Shane lean back into him, closing any gaps.

Ilya woke up to Shane shifting in his arms, he opened his eyes to see Shane trying very slowly to get out of Ilya’s grip. Ilya chuckled and pulled Shane closer, letting him know Ilya was awake.

“Good morning, solynyshko.”
Shane looked up at Ilya sheepishly, “Sorry, did I wake you?”

Ilya chuckled softly, “Da, but is okay. I am happy to be awake with you.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Shane started pulling away and sitting up. Ilya groaned reaching his arms out for Shane to come back into them. Shane swatted them, “I’ll be back, I have to go to the bathroom.” Ilya rolled over like he’d been shot, “How will I survive bed without you?”

Shane laughed as he walked to the bathroom. “I think you’ll find a way.”

When Shane came out of the bathroom, he’d walked to Ilya’s side of the bed pulled the covers off and laid down almost directly on top of Ilya. Ilya hummed as Shane’s weight pressed into him. He felt so safe when Shane was like this with him, when Shane was laying on top of him.

“I don’t want to go to morning skate.” Shane grumbled into Ilya’s shoulder.

“You? The Shane Hollander does not want to play hockey?” Ilya turned Shane’s face to look at his own. He was glad to notice the dark shadows were gone from under Shane’s eyes. “I think I have broken you, what do I do? Will ginger ale fix?” Ilya asked, making his face serious but Shane could see the light in his eyes, the kind that came when he was teasing Shane. Shane gave him a playful shove, “You have broken me.” Shane said and lowered down Ilya’s body. Kissing Ilya’s torso as he went down.

“Is this what will fix?” Ilya said through heavy breaths as Shane played with one Ilya’s nipples as he slid a hand under Ilya’s waistband. “Mm hmm.” Shane gave as he freed Ilya’s cock and ran his hand down it slowly. He saw Ilya shiver at the touch, already hard for Shane.

Shane moved slowly, like he had all morning when really he had less than an hour before he needed to leave, and Ilya would want to make him breakfast. He swirled his tongue around the tip of Ilya’s cock before taking Ilya deeper, he moved slowly up and down Ilya’s generous length and then began moving faster, using more tongue as he heard Ilya’s breathing hitch and the string of Russian curses flew out Ilya’s mouth. Shane could tell Ilya was almost there and he slid off, Ilya whined, actually whined at the loss of Shane around him.

“Tebe eto nravitsya.” Shane said, not confident in the pronunciation, but hoping he had it right.

Ilya’s eyes flew open, “Da. Shane.” The smile that split his face was worth the hours Shane had spent practicing these phrases.

“Sil'neye?” Shane asked, looking up at Ilya, seeing his mess of curls and hazy eyes with lust. Shane loved being the source of that lust. Loved being the person to turn this Russian god on.

“Da. Yebi menya zhostche.”
That was all Shane needed, he spit into his hand and worked Ilya with his hand unti Ilya came on his own chest, Shane leaned down to lick it.

Ilya bucked at the motions Shane was making down his cock. Shane began kissing Ilya’s chest then began to pull one of Ilya’s nipples in his mouth, he felt Ilya shiver as his tongue swirled around Ilya’s hard nipple. He began to move his hand faster, feeling Ilya close to the release. He began teething at Ilya’s nipple, he was kissing it hard enough to bruise.

It wasn’t long before he felt Ilya come and Shane bent to lick it off where it had ended up on Ilya’s stomach.

Ilya watched him listful reverence, so in awe of the man cleaning Ilya up with his tongue.

“God you are so hot, Shane. Is almost torture how perfect you are.”

Shane felt his face warm. “What’s torture is knowing this perfect dick exists at all times and I can’t just do this forever.”

Ilya felt his heart skip a beat at forever, there’s no way Shane really meant it but Ilya was happy to let himself believe the delusion of Shane wanting forever with him.

Shane was settling back onto Ilya, running his hands down Ilya’s side in slow sensual strokes. They laid like that for a while but eventually the alarm Ilya had set for them went off.

Ilya groaned as Shane shifted off him so Ilya could turn it off. “I do not want to leave this bed but you need breakfast for good game today, I will get started.” Ilya said reaching to pull Shane into one last embrace in bed, squeezing him before releasing him and sauntering to the kitchen to cook breakfast.

Shane was happy to watch him work, he had tried to offer to help but Ilya insisted he needed the sight of Shane in his bed as ‘best motivation’ to make the food good. The food could’ve been the dehydrated camping food Shane hated for all he cared, he would happily eat anything Ilya made him.

They ate on the couch together, legs tangled together in due to the size of the small love seat that Ilya referred to as a couch. Shane ate slower than he needed to, took longer getting ready in the bathroom, and forever gathering his bag for the game. Anything to stay here just a little bit longer, he knew it was stupid, he would be here again later. But being late to the stadium was worth any extra time it gave Shane with Ilya.

Shane was lingering at the door, fidgeting with his bag. Ilya followed him to the door and wrapped his arms around Shane. Shane relished in the warmth of Ilya’s strong arms for a moment, in the curves of Ilya’s biceps he could feel more defined as Ilya squeezed him tighter.

“I will see you tonight. You will win game for me and I will give you very good reward, yes?”

“Yes. I hate having to go I wish I could spend this whole day here with you.”

“Da. Me too. But I will see you after. You have to go play game so you can come back here and I can hold you all night long.”

“You’re working the game?”

“Yes but I will be home early, I am not in crew for after today.”

Ilya debated mentioning anything but, well, it had happened last time.

“You might see me today. Will be torture to see you in your gear and keep my hands to myself.”

“I hope I get to see you at least once.” Shane said. He saw Ilya’s eyes soften at that.

“I will be all gross you do not want to see me there.”

Shane reached a hand out taking Ilya’s in his and squeezing. “I always want to see you. I also think you are unfairly hot in those overalls.”

Shane saw the small blush spread across Ilya’s cheeks.

Ilya leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss. Shane poured himself into it, hoping to pour all of the feelings he had for Ilya into it. He moved slowly, running a hand behind Ilya’s ear and playing with the silky curls in his hand. When he pulled back he gave Ilya a soft smile that Ilya returned. The room felt heavier than a moment before.

“Maybe I will drop something just to give you better show.” Ilya said with a soft laugh, diffusing some of the new tension in the apartment.

“God, you better.” Shane said pulling Ilya closer to give him one final kiss.

“I will see you in a few hours.” Shane said, stating the obvious.

“Yes.” Ilya gave him a kiss on the head. “Now go, krolik. I need many goals from you tonight. Also watch Pike was overextending his shoulder in the last game on passes, mentioned to him before start.”

Shane laughed. “I’ll let him know. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, Shane.” Ilya said as Shane finally made his way through the door.

Despite Shane saying he actually wanted to see Ilya, Ilya did his best to avoid the Metros through the start of his shift. He was supposed to be on guest bathrooms again. Fucking hell.

It wasn’t so bad at the start of the shift, cleaning an already clean bathroom but he was in hell by the end of the first period. Worse, he was stuck in the stupid halls watching the game on the tv’s around the stadium and listening to the muffled announcers from inside.

He thought he was going to make it out of the shift without a single glance of a metro player when his boss found him.

“Ilya, I just had to send Barrett home, he’s got some stomach bug.”

Fuck.

Fuck. This might mean Ilya will have to cover him.

“We are a bit overstaffed tonight, game wasn’t as rowdy as usual so no one should have to stay late- “ Thank fuck, he wasn’t losing Shane time. “But I need someone to go down and handle the guest lockers before the third period break, can you go handle that quickly?”

Shit. Now he would definitely run into Shane, at least in passing. As much as Ilya loved seeing Shane and wished he could spend every moment in Shane’s presence he hated the idea of them being in the same space like this. Shane and his team in all of their glory and then there is Ilya cleaning up after him. God it felt so mortifying to have that direct comparison, to have Shane see him like this. He wanted so badly to be more, he wished he could be in that fucking home locker room and he knew he probably could have been, if only-

Fuck. This is not helpful. Ilya needs to get his fucking head together before Shane sees him and reads the emotions on Ilya’s face.

Ilya made it down to the guest lockers, and walked in to a room full of Metros. Fuck. He had been so lost in thought he hadn’t thought to listen if they were still even here. Ilya stood the side by the exit and waiting for the players to start to leave. He tried to keep his eyes to floor but couldn’t help a glance at Shane. He saw Shane’s eyes light up as they met Ilya’s. Ilya risked a small smile before returning his gaze to the floor, wishing he could just melt into it.

The Metros were bitching about plays in the last period, things that should’ve gone better.

Ilya heard through the fray of voices, his favorite speaking softly.

“I told you dude, you’re overextending your shoulder on those passes. Stop doing that and they’ll actually connect this period.” Shane was telling the man on his left. Ilya recognized him as Hayden Pike, an unremarkable player by Ilya’s standings.

“How could you even notice that?” Pike asked.

“Replays.” Shane responded after a small beat. Ilya smiled to himself knowing that comment came from him.

“Whatever. Fine I’ll work on it.” Ilya heard Hayden grumble.

They team began to get ready to file out, he watched as some of them started to trickle back to the stadium. He had just cast his eyes back to the floor when out of the corner of his eye he sees something flying towards him. He flinches looking up to realize one of the players had just literally tossed trash at him. Well hopefully the player was aiming for the trash can on Ilya’s cart but it had come close to hitting Ilya, too close.

Ilya felt his anger surge as he wondered which player had almost accosted him with the empty roll of tape from one of their lockers.

He heard the voice cut through all of the noise, all of the conversations.

“What the fuck was that?” Shane’s voice boomed through the locker room.

Every player stopped what they were doing, stopped their conversations and looked to Shane who was piercing daggers at a player though his eyes. Ilya thought he was Boz-something, Shane’s friend.

“What the fuck was that JJ? Are you too good to pick up after yourself now?”

The locker room was absolutely silent, Ilya could feel Shane seething from the 15 feet away he was standing.

“Go pick that up and apologize.” Shane told him. JJ moved to do it without speaking. Shane looked at his team and then, “I’ve noticed lately that this team is acting a bit too fucking entitled lately. Sure some of us have a few cups, that doesn’t mean we can treat these stadiums and their staff like shit. I don’t want to see a single fucking person making the life of anyone who works for this stadium or any other harder. The staff at these stadiums are here to keep them clean and safe for all players and fans. They are not here to clean up specifically after any of you like you’re fucking children, you all need to get on your shit and treat these stadiums and their staff with respect. Am I fucking clear?!”

Grumbled “Yes, captain,” sounded through the room. Ilya stood there in shock. He wasn’t able to keep his eyes on the floor and instead found them searching Shane’s face. Shane gave him a small smile, almost saying “sorry for them” with it. Ilya wanted to run across this room and kiss him.

It was fucking torture to have to stand next to his stupid cart in his stupid overalls and watch Shane leave the locker room with his team for the final period.

Ilya worked quickly, wishing Shane’s speech had come early enough to save Ilya from having to do any actual work in here. The room was messier today, but after Shane’s speech Ilya would bet it would be spotless the next time Montreal played here.

God he loved Shane for doing that, for standing up to them, for saying some of the things Ilya had always wanted to say.

Wait.

Did he just?

No. Because no. He couldn’t be in love with Shane. That would be too much. Ilya couldn’t love Shane. Loving Shane and losing Shane would kill Ilya. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

It was too late already. As Ilya wiped down the mirrors he gave himself a good hard look. He was muscular, attractive to most people probably. He had a scar dissecting one of his eyebrows. The overalls were faded and looked ratty on him, he wasn’t sure when he got this pair but suddenly felt like Boston should be supplying new uniforms faster. His eyes had light bags under them, much better than they had been two months ago. He looked a bit lighter, he had more color in his face, but he was still just a facilites tech cleaning the locker room his MLH boyfriend was using for his game.

His boyfriend who would leave Ilya any fucking day now. It had to be only a matter of time.

Fuck and here Ilya was falling in love with him. Fuck.

Ilya handled the rest of his shift with mechanical efficiency. He needed to get home. He needed to get clean. He needed to put on anything the fuck else but these supid overalls on and pretend for a minute that his job was literally anything else.

He managed to escape locker room duty and was out of the stadium before press ended, thankful his schedule had him on opening with the game today and not closing the stadium down. He raced home and rushed to shower and change, he didn’t bother with something nice and opted for his comfy sweats, well aware they wouldn’t be on much longer.

Ilya started cooking their dinner, he was doing a take on chicken piccata tonight that fit more in Shane’s diet plan. The whole apartment smelled lemony and garlicky. Ilya hoped he made the sauce flavorful enough to distract from the cauliflower pasta he was forced to use, but knew Shane would prefer. He debated for a moment making himself a bowl of regular pasta but opted to eat the same as Shane.

Shane finally knocked on the door and Ilya pulled him in., kissing him hard.

Shane kissed back with just as much force, moving his lips in time with Ilya, a hand going to Ilya’s jaw, fingers scraping against the slight stubble there.

Ilya pulled back and took in the sight of those freckles, the brown eyes he had left looking so wanting, the soft pink lips just slightly swollen. Fuck he was so beautiful.

“Hi.” Shane said in a small voice.

“Hi.” Ilya said and grabbed Shane’s hands pulling him to the table to sit.

“I didn’t get to see the game really tonight, tell me about it while I finish dinner.” Ilya said as he brought Shane a ginger ale and opened it for him.

Shane took the can and thanked him in a small voice. “It was a hard first two periods. You were totally right about Hayden’s shoulder, I’m trying to think of drills to run with him to help it. I’m not even sure where he picked up the habit from suddenly.”

“He might have a small injury in the other side and is overcompensating, you should have him see your team doctor just in case.” Ilya said.

Shane contemplated the response. Shane couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of that, it felt a bit obvious now but to be fair Hayden’s overextension would be easy to miss for most people watching him play. God, Ilya was so smart. Shane loved how he could talk hockey with him, he loved how insightful Ilya was about the game Shane loved so much.

“You’re probably right, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. I’ll have him go when we’re back.”

“Ah you are too busy scoring goals to have to worry about Pike’s shoulders, krolik.” Ilya said, “Dinner is almost done walk me through whole game from top.” Ilya said.

They ate, Ilya joined Shane for his shower just to enjoy the chance to look up at the sight of a wet Shane Hollander from his knees. He was more careful on them in the shower, knowing he would want more out of them later.

Later, they were blissed out laying in bed. Shane had decided to take charge tonight and was now laying flat out on top of Ilya, in the same position he had been when he got back in bed this morning.

Ilya was enjoying the feeling of Shane’s body move as he breathed. The warmth spreading from Shane’s chest to Ilya’s, the way it felt to have Shane’s arms wrapped around him and his head resting on Ilya’s chest. The weight pushing him into the bed, making him feel anchored and safe.

Ilya was stroking circles through Shane’s silky hair. Shane felt like he could drift off to sleep, but he hadn’t asked Ilya about Christmas and wasn’t sure he’d have time before leaving so early tomorrow.

For a moment, Shane let himself enjoy the feeling of Ilya beneath him. The hard muscles mixed with some of the softer edges Ilya had. Shane shifted and held Ilya a bit tighter in his arms, relishing the feeling of having him like this.

“Ilya.” Shane’s voice came out a bit small.

“Da.” Ilya said, voice breathy and sounding slick with sleep.

“I don’t want to forget I kind of had something to ask you.” Shane said, voice growing smaller. He couldn’t bare to shift his head to look up at Ilya, so he just nestled deeper into Ilya’s chest and stared and the records hanging on Ilya’s wall.

“Anything, Shanya.” Ilya said, and ran a reassuring hand down Shane’s side. Shane let himself melt into the touch a little, let some of the anxiety he was carrying release with it.

“I was wondering, if maybe, and no pressure like you might not have time off or have plans so I totally get it, but um, I was wondering if maybe you would want to possibly come to my cottage?” Shane spoke too quickly, words coming out rushed together.

Ilya took a moment to parse out the rushed rambled sentence Shane spoke, apparently he had taken too long to put it together because he felt Shane’s muscles begin to build tension back.

“Of course, Shanya, I would love to come. When are you thinking?” Ilya said softly, holding Shane tighter to him.

“Um.” Fuck in all of his rehearsed scenarios he had done this so much smoother. “I was thinking right after Christmas. I don’t have to go back to Montreal until January 2nd for practice so you could come stay from the day after Christmas until then maybe?” Shane asked, trying to keep his voice calmer. Trying to hard to make this ask seem more casual than it was. Trying so hard to brush over the fact he had invited Ilya for New Years Eve.

“Or not that whole time if you can’t or like I said if you have plans or something that’s okay I just thought maybe-“

“Da. Shane.” Ilya cut Shane’s ramble off. “I will come for as long as you want me. The stadium is closed until the 3rd anyways, they give us all the same break as players, very nice of them. I could be there from the 26th until the 2nd if you want?” Ilya asked, trying to keep his tone casual. New Year’s was one of the important holidays for Ilya. He would have never thought he would get to spend it with Shane. That Shane could be his New Year’s kiss this year. God he was so lucky.

“That would be perfect. My cottage is really nice and private, hopefully it’ll snow and the lake is usually frozen enough to skate on. I prefer going in the summer but I love it in the winter.” Shane rambled.

Ilya brushed a reassuring hand through Shane’s hair and then dropped a kiss on his head. “That sounds very nice solynyshko. I am excited to see it.” Ilya said softly.

“Good. I’m excited to have you there.” Shane said and finally shifted to look up into those devastatingly beautiful blue eyes.

“And you know that means I will be there for New Years?” Ilya asked, a mix of coy and something else in his voice. Shane thought it might be nerves.

Shane brushed his fingers across Ilya’s stubble, enjoying the slight scratch from it. “Yes, I was hoping you would be.”

“Ah. Okay.” Ilya said. “Russians take New Years seriously, Shanya.”

“Oh yeah?” Shane asked. The nerves from having to ask Ilya now gone, all of the tension in him melting as he felt his eyes get heavy. He shifted himself off of Ilya to lay curled around him instead, figuring that sleeping position would be better for both of them tomorrow.

“Yes. I will have to teach you, we can add that as a culture lesson on top of language. Maybe there will be an exam.”

“Mmm.” Shane yawned. “As long as I get a good study guide.” Shane said, voice husky as he felt himself drifting closer to sleep.

Ilya let out a small chuckle. He turned to his head to look at Shane. Shane’s eyes were closed. His face looked so relaxed and peaceful, he looked a bit younger like this.

“I promise it will be good. Good night Shanya.” Ilya said and pressed a kiss to Shane’s forehead before settling back into the position Shane had set.

“G’night, Ily.”

The team flight to Montreal felt longer somehow. Shane tried to shut his eyes, pretend to sleep while really replaying every moment he had gotten to soak in with Ilya over the trip.

The added length of the flight might be partly due to JJ giving him the cold shoulder, apparently jilted from being the one called out for his shit and inspiring Shane’s speech.

He wasn’t speaking to Shane, but got stuck sitting with him, Shane hoped it would help thaw the vibe some. Shane was adamant against apologizing for any of it though, he had admittedly been letting the players get away with too much lately and needed to start leading them more. Shane wanted his room to be better, and knew they had to start with him. Even if it felt impossible.

He made it off the plane quickly. He couldn’t help but notice that as he approached, groups would stop talking, suddenly falling silent. He walked past different clusters of players as he made his ways to grab his bags and catalogued the glares he got.

Fuck them. He thought. They had been acting like children, treating locker rooms like their personal pigsty’s recently. Shane hated that he hadn’t noticed the switch sooner, the team had been better when he joined, and clearly something had been festering in it. Shane needed to fix it.

Chapter End Notes

a lotttttt happens in this chapter, I feel like a lot to discuss lmaoooo pls lmk what y'all think so far!!

will get the next chapter by the end of next week (hopefully sooner) i promise :))))

Chapter 9: "The Great"

Chapter Notes

hiiiiiii so yall motivated me to finish this one earlier than planned thank you all for all of the kind comments I really appreciate them!!!! This is a long chapter and a lot happens in here as well i really hope yall enjoy it as much as I did on my reread as i edited it lol (but did not overly edit and like fuck ai so there are def still mistakes i miss)

Shane was nestled in bed with his latest book, trying to distract himself from wanting to call Ilya. He had just seen him only 10 or so hours ago but he already missed him. Shane half admitted he was only reading because it was something to distract himself from calling Ilya, and had to half admit it was because he didn’t want to fall asleep alone after spending two nights in Ilya’s arms.

They had flown back, done a tape review of a game, and were allowed to head home but Shane had gone to the practice rink for a few hours. It was less because he wanted to practice and more because he didn’t want to go home and be alone. He didn’t want to go home and find emptiness where there could be a beaming Russian man waiting for him instead.

When he finally did get home he texted Ilya and distracted himself with some time in his gym, before eating, showering, and ending up here in bed. He had taken too long in the gym and he knew it was too late to call Ilya. Ilya had to be at the stadium at seven am tomorrow, it was already past 11. Shane should be asleep too but the idea of falling asleep without Ilya’s arms around him was grating his insides.

He kept reading instead, hoping the book would calm his mind or at least make him tired enough to fall asleep. He was rereading the last page he had just finished, feeling like he hadn’t actually absorbed anything when his phone started buzzing.

Shane reached for it and sighed in relief when he saw Lily’s contact flashing with a call.

“Hi.” Shane said as he answered.

“You did not call me when you got home, Hollander, you promised.” Ilya had hoped that to sound teasing but felt like it came out too whiny.

“Sorry, I took too long in the gym and figured it was too late to call. You should be asleep already.”

“Da, but I could not go to sleep without hearing my beautiful boyfriend’s voice first.” Ilya said softly, Shane’s chest warmed at it.

“I was having a hard time going to sleep too,” Shane admitted, “and my bed feels too big.”

“Mine does too.” Ilya’s voice was soft, all teasing gone from it.

“And I forgot to ask when you have time off in December, after Christmas is too far.”

“Da, is too far for me too. I will text you when my schedules come out.”

“Good.” Shane yawned, now that he finally was talking to Ilya he felt settled and the tiredness from his ice time and workout were finally taking over him.

“I got something in the mail today.” Ilya said, voice tired but some of that teasing tone returned.

“Oh? It came?” Shane asked, some energy returning to him.

“Yes, is very nice, I am wearing it now.”

“Send me a picture.”

Ilya laughed at how fast Shane had said it, “Okay, only because you are so eager for it, Shanya.”

Shane’s phone buzzed with the picture as said, “Wait- facetime me.”

Shane switched to facetime and was greeted by the sight of a sleepy Ilya leaning against his headboard wearing Shane’s jersey.

“It looks better on you.” Shane said, voice huskier.

“Mmm, no but it does look better than any of mine ever did.”

“Not true, you wear everything better.” Shane said and watched the small blush spread across Ilya’s smile. “I was worried it wasn’t ever going to make it, it should’ve been there before I was.”

“Disappointed you will have to wait to see me wear it in person?” Ilya asked coyly.

“Very, but this will have to do for now.” Shane said with a yawn.

“Go to sleep, krolik, call me tomorrow.”

“Okay, good night, Ilya.”

“Good night.”

Ilya was on his break a few days later when he was finally able to check his phone.

Jane: You were right, Hayden’s got a small tear and he’s gonna be out for a few weeks. It probably would have been less if he had said something sooner.

Ilya replied.

Lily: Not surprised he was trying to play through it

Lily: Who are they bringing to the line to replace him?

Ilya was waiting for Shane’s reply when someone else walked into the breakroom.

Barrett strode in and went to grab his phone from his locker, he sat in a position that mirrored Ilya’s as he went through it, replying to someone with a small smile before cursing and setting his phone down too hard.

Ilya hadn’t spoken to Barrett too much, he had gleaned that Barrett worked here to put himself through school but wasn’t sure what Barrett studied. He didn’t know Barrett’s first name, but knew it started with a T. He wasn’t sure what inspired him to speak now, but he heard himself saying.

“Something wrong?”

Barrett looked up in surprise, like he hadn’t even noticed Ilya had been in the room, which was fair because Ilya had spent years melting into the background acting more like a ghost than a person.

“Um,” he took Ilya in for a moment, Ilya could see him weighing whether or not to actually engage with the facilities team ghost. “My assistant coach for my little league team just quit on me, and now I have the rest of the season and no help.”

“Oh that is too bad, you won’t be able to find someone?” Ilya wasn’t sure why he cared, wasn’t even sure why he was talking.

“I mean no, not easily. Not everyone just knows the sport and most people don’t want to spend two nights a week volunteering to coach a bunch of kids. It just sucks, I’ve got some who were really good and they could've made finals but I don’t know with just me.” Troy said with a sigh, “Plus if I can’t make a practice now, it’ll just have to be cancelled, I don’t have like someone to help share the load or lead them if I can’t for something. It just sucks.”

Ilya contemplated this for a moment, a bunch of kids who just wanted to play were now going to miss practices probably and have a long shot for whatever cup they had for their league.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump my shit.” Troy said after Ilya had been silent too long.

“No, no, is okay, I asked. Sorry I was thinking, I used to play and know the game.” Ilya said and heard himself saying, “I could maybe help, if you need someone,” before his mind had cataloged the commitment he was potentially making here.

“Really?” Troy asked, an incredulous look spreading across his face.

Ilya took a second to think before saying, “Da. Would be fun, maybe. I can give you my number and you can text me what I need to know and do and the schedule. I will try to request off for all practices and games but probably can’t guarantee since you will be requesting too.” Ilya offered Troy his phone.

“As long as one of us gets off, the kids just need at least one coach for anything.” Troy said, texting himself from Ilya’s phone.

“Um, Troy by the way,” Troy said awkwardly as he passed the phone back to Ilya, “I don’t think we’ve ever like spoken before, sorry.”

“Ilya, is okay I keep to myself more I guess here.” Ilya said and put his phone back in his locker, sad to see no reply from Shane yet. “Text me and I will prepare, we can win the kids whatever cup, easy.” Ilya said, forcing some of the cockiness he used to have when he played into his voice.

Troy laughed, “That’s a lot of confidence for someone who hasn’t even seen them.”
“Eh. I will be good coach, they will be fine.” Ilya said, laughing a bit as he made his way out the room.

“We’ll see how long that confidence lasts in our first practice.” Troy called after him.

Ilya felt lighter for the rest of the shift and for all of his shifts leading up to his first practice. He had been nervous to tell Shane for some reason, and the longer he hadn’t said anything the harder it got. The first practice fell on a Montreal game night, meaning Ilya couldn’t watch live. Shane would call him later and Ilya would have to admit he hadn’t watched the game and admit the reason why. He knew it. He wasn’t sure why he cared so much about telling Shane, it wasn’t like it was a big deal to be a volunteer assistant coach for a little league team, but this was Ilya’s closest step back to the hockey world since everything had ended for him and it felt big.

Ilya wanted to do a good job. He wanted to be a good coach and he was nervous that maybe he wouldn’t be. Maybe it had been too long since he had played, maybe he would have forgotten everything and suck at it and the kids would hate him and Troy would beg him to step down and he would realize that he has no place near the ice. Fuck. He was nervous.

Troy told him to come with skates, Ilya’s skates were old and too worn to skate in really but Ilya took time to sharpen the blades and did what he could to make them skateable, they sucked but they would work enough for coaching the kids. It had been his first time touching them in years, his hands had trembled the entire time he had worked on them, he hated the idea of actually having to wear them but knew he had to. They weren’t in any condition to do anything more than move across the ice, so it wasn’t like he was going to get to show them any example moves, nothing impressive at least.

He made his way to the small practice rink about 20 minutes from his apartment and felt his nerves rise. He sent a good luck text to Shane before making his way into the rink to find Troy.

He found Troy standing at the bench, kids were filing out of the locker room slowly and making their way towards him. Ilya walked over to join him and set his gear down.

“Hey, glad you actually wanted to join.” Troy said.

“Told you I would, will be fun to win.” Ilya responded, trying to force some of the old cockiness he had around this sport back into him.

“We’ll let the kids get out and then run a few drills to warm up, I’ll take the lead today but feel free to chime in with stuff and point out any possible corrections, the kids need it.”

Ilya nodded and watched as the last few kids made their way over to the bench. They were small, Ilya realized he hadn’t asked what the age range was and now was a weird time to do it with all of the kids in earshot, they couldn’t be older than 10 based on their size but Ilya didn’t spend a lot of time around kids so what did he know?

“Alright everyone!” Troy called out, the attention of the player’s heads snapping toward Troy.

“This is our new Assistant Coach, Coach Rozanov. Treat him with the same respect you do as me, I know some of you were sad to lose Coach Jacobs but I’m sure you’ll all come to like our new Assistant Coach just as much.”

Ilya offered a smile to the kids, trying not to give off the ‘big scary Russian’ vibe he was known best for.

Troy continued giving out instructions to start warmups and the kids moved onto the ice and began.

“Let’s lace up,” Troy said as the kids moved through the start of their warmups.

Troy laced his skates up quickly, and headed out to the ice. Ilya took a steadying breath before opening his bags. He tried to control the tremble of his hands as he laced himself in.

Troy was already on the ice and had started calling things out to the kids, Ilya needed to get out there. He looked down at the ratty skates and tried to remember every tool the therapist had given him after his injury. He could do this. He just had to breath. Focus on the sound of the kids skating. Focus on the smell of the arena.

He took a few steadying breaths then stood and stepped onto the ice for the first time in years. He felt every muscle in his body tense as he stepped onto the ice. He couldn’t freak out, this was just skating, he had to coach. He looked up at Troy and saw him offering a correction to one of the kids for his turns. He could do this.

Ilya took his first glide across the ice and made his way towards Troy, as he moved he tried to focus on the kids skating. He tried to look for mistakes or corrections to offer instead of focusing on the monumental steps he was taking today.

It took the majority of warmups for Ilya to get his heart rate to calm down and his hands to stop sweating. Ilya followed Troy’s lead every step of the practice, at first he let himself just take everything in and was trying to commit the kids names, but after the second time one of them made a bad turn he couldn’t help himself but go over and offer the proper correction to the kid. It wasn’t long after that before he was just calling out Jersey numbers and giving corrections with the same energy Troy had at the start of the practice.

The kids were a bit scraggly, but Troy was right they had some good players and Ilya left the practice feeling hopeful that maybe he could actually help the team make the “Boston Youth Cup,” and he was excited to try. He hadn’t been truly excited about hockey like this in years aside from when he watches Shane play. He was buzzing on the whole way home and through his shower.

As he cooked his mind was running through possible plays to try out at next practice, and was brainstorming drills to help correct some of the more repeated mistakes he saw tonight. He was so lost in thought that he hadn’t registered his phone was ringing at first, but then was racing to answer.

He accepted the call and excitedly answered, “Hey solynyshko.”

“Hey.” Shane grumbled.

Fuck. Right the game he hadn’t watched, and hadn't bothered to check the score of.

“The game was not good?” Ilya asked before realizing that exposed him.

“You didn’t watch?” Ilya heard the slight hurt in Shane’s voice. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“I-” Fuck, “I had to miss tonight but was just about to turn it on, I had good reason I promise but I am sorry I did not see you play.”

“Don’t bother, it was a total shitshow.” Shane said, his voice so despondent.

“No, impossible for any game Shane Hollander plays to be that bad, best player in the league does not have bad games.”

“Well after tonight everyone’s going to be calling Hunter the best or someone.” Shane said. Ilyah hated hearing him sound so sad.

“Can I Facetime with you? I want to see my beautiful boyfriend’s face.”

“Um-” Shane said, Ilya heard the hesitation there.

“Or not, is okay we can just call, Shanya.” Ilya said, trying to sound soft and reassuring.

“No, no. One sec.” A moment later the phone was calling again and Ilya answered.

The phone filled with an image of Shane in bed, he was wearing Ilya’s green hoodie. His eyes were a bit red rimmed and his nose was pink. His lip was trembling just slightly.

“Oh Shanya, I am so sorry I missed it. Please tell me what happened tonight?” Ilya said, hoping that Shane’s apparent sadness didn’t have too much to do with Ilya missing it.

“I played like shit, they brought Stedlund up to replace Pike and between him and JJ, I didn’t get a pass the entire game, it was like I was on my own team tonight. Everyone’s been so pissy with me lately just because I’m trying to lead us into being an actual good team. Like ever since I said something in Boston and then I like got on Comeau for being a dick to one of the security guards in Ottawa and then Mitty was just being a dick to our equipment manager so I said something and its like they want me to just keep my mouth shut and let them keep acting like shit. I hate that I let it get this bad and now anytime I say something I can practically hear their internal groans and now they are icing me out on the ice and like it just fucking sucks.”

“I’m sorry Shane.” Ilya wasn’t sure what to say, Shane hadn’t mentioned these issues with his team before and it felt like they only came up because of Ilya. Ilya felt guilty.

“Nothing for you to be sorry for, they just suck and I don’t know what to do.” Shane said and sighed.

“But you made comment because of me first.” Ilya said before he could stop himself.

Shane paused and looked at Ilya, “Ilya, I should have been saying something sooner, none of this is your fault. I just hadn’t realized how much I’ve allowed the team to shift into total assholes and that's all on me.”

“Is not all on you, Shane, they should be following your lead more.”

“Yeah, but I guess not.” Shane went to shift to lay on his other side and Ilya watched his eyes tighten, lines forming as they crinkled in a wince.

“You are hurt.” Ilya said, claiming the fact not allowing Shane to deny.

“I took a bad check, bruised my ribs a bit but I’m fine.”

“I should have known, I should have seen it, I’m sorry, I am terrible boyfriend.” Ilya said, looking down at his worn sheets.

“Ilya,” Shane’s voice was so, so soft, “You are not a terrible boyfriend, you are the best boyfriend. You missed a game, it’s fine. Most of the WAGs don’t go to all of them or even watch them all, it’s fine, don’t worry about that.”

“Okay.” Ilya said, unable to look back at Shane through the screen.

“Besides, you promised a good reason, and you had sounded so excited when you called me and now I’ve brought you down with all my shitty energy, I’m sorry.”

“No Shanya, I always want you to be able to come to me to make you feel better.” Ilya said, pouring sincerity into his voice.

“Okay,” Shane said, “So what was this reason?”

Okay. Ilya could do this. It wasn’t that big of a deal, Shane probably wouldn’t care anyway. Just tell him.

“I um-” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “I um I kind of-” Ilya took a deep breath.

“Ilya, I was joking, it doesn't need to be a good reason, grocery shopping would have been good enough.” Shane said, voice in a calm soothing tone.

“I- I sort of started to volunteer to help coach a little league hockey team and tonight was the first practice.” Ilya said finally, voice small the entire time.

“Really?” Shane’s voice was brighter. “That sounds amazing, Ilya. I was thinking you should look into that, I’m glad you are doing it.”

“You are?” Ilya asked timidly.

“Yeah of course, I feel like you’ll be a really good coach, those kids are lucky to have you. Tell me about the first practice.”

Ilya let himself dive into his explanation of practice, explaining how he was nervous at first but how it became more fun as the practice went on and he felt more confident.

“-and by the end of practice, the kid could finally take a turn at a decent speed without stumbling, so maybe he will turn into a good player yet, but is too early so…”

“That sounds amazing, Ilya, I’m so happy for you. I wish I could see a game.”

“Nyet, you would be too distracting, none of the kids would be able to focus enough to make a shot with you there.”

Shane laughed, “Maybe,” he reluctantly agreed. “It sounds like a good practice, maybe we need you on the Metros.”

Ilya laughed at that, “Yes, I should be expecting a scout any day for my talent.” Ilya said laughing.

He looked up to see a smile spread across Shane’s face. Good. Hopefully he felt better.

“I’ll let our scouts know to look out for the great Ilya Rozanov.” Shane said with a small chuckle, Ilya felt his heart clench a bit at that, ‘The Great Ilya Rozanov,’ was what his father had told him he was supposed to be. It was one of the taunts he used as he destroyed Ilya’s life.

“There will never be the great Ilya Rozanov, all of my time wasted, Ilya Rozanov will never be great.”

Ilya felt himself drift into the memory.

“Hey.” Shane’s voice broke the spell. “Where’d you go?”

“I-” Ilya stumbled, “Is- Is nothing, I just remembered something my Papa said. I’m okay.”

“Ilya,” Shane said slowly, “You just made me feel better, let me do the same for you, what was it?”

“The Great Ilya Rozanov,” Ilya said like the words with acid as they dripped off his tongue, “That was what my father wanted me to be, was something he would say, and then when he took away everything he had said-” Ilya’s voice caught in his throat, his voice felt tight as he finished, “he said, ‘there will never be the great Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov will never be great,’ basically.” Ilya tried to push the memory away, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

Shane cut him off, “Oh. Ilya, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“No. You could not know, Shane. Don’t apologize, I just, I remembered it for a moment. Sorry, usually I can push it away.”

“You don’t have to push away that stuff with me,” Shane said, big brown eyes pouring affection through the screen.

“Okay.” Ilya said in a small voice.

“You are great, Ilya. Just so you know.”

“Okay.” Ilya’s voice stayed small.

“You are. You are so smart and so funny, so kind and generous. You make every day brighter, I wish I could be there right now to hold you and kiss you until you believe me.”

“I-” Ilya’s voice caught in his throat.

“You should go to sleep.” Shane said slowly, “Will you stay on the phone with me until you do?”

“Da.” Ilya said, laying himself down and propping his phone up.

“Good night, Ilya.”

Ilya found a new groove with his schedule, fitting his weekly practice and games with his team took a bit of rearranging but he was happy to make the time for them. He had managed to get in a short visit to Shane last weekend and had another in a week, the last one before the final games would lead up to the Christmas break. The Raider’s schedule had gotten more intense, and his next visit would be barely 24 hours but he was happy for any bit of time he could get.

He found himself bonding with his team some, he enjoyed getting to know them and loved teasing them. The kids were a bit apprehensive at first, but had warmed up to him by the time his first three weeks of it were through, they had also won their first game last week, so things were looking up for them.

Ilya wished things were looking up for the Metros in the same way. He noticed the players avoiding Shane the last few games, he felt it was stupid for professional athletes to let their personal shit bleed out to the ice, but what did he know?

The trip they had managed to schedule was right after the Toronto game, Shane had transferred the tickets to Ilya and Ilya was supposed to fly up the day after the game, stay for the night before having to fly back the next day. Ilya was packing his bag, getting ready to fly out tomorrow with the pre-game commentary on when he got an email on his phone from the airline, he usually avoided those but checked it in case his flight information had changed.

There was a notification that he could downgrade his seat and fly tonight instead. He hoped Shane wouldn’t mind the surprise, and jumped at the offer, realizing it meant he had only an hour to get to the airport. He texted Shane a ‘good luck for the game’ text and frantically packed his bag and hurried out the door.

Unfortunately he was in the air for the entire game, and wanted to beat Shane home but knew it was unlikely. As soon as his feet were on Montreal soil he was half running through the airport to get to the rideshare parking. Within almost three hours of getting the email he had made it to Montreal, it felt like record time.

By the time he had made it to Shane’s building and was making his way up the ridiculously fancy elevator, his heart was hammering through his chest. His palms were sweaty, as excited as he was to see Shane he knew that Shane didn’t love changes to plans, hopefully he wouldn’t hate this one. Hopefully he wouldn’t be annoyed at Ilya for coming early. Hopefully this wasn’t too much.

Ilya ran his palms down his jeans as he made his way to Shane’s door. He texted Shane.

Lily: I have surprise for you.

Then Ilya knocked. A minute went by, then two. Ilya checked the time, saw a ‘read’ under the text. He knocked again.

He hadn’t seen the score, he hadn’t seen anything about the game, so he had hoped it wasn’t too eventful.

Another minute passed. Ilya sighed, wondering if he was going to spend the night in the hallway and knocked again.

He fidgeted the strap on his bag, checked his messages again and was debating calling Shane when he heard movement through the door. He quickly tucked his phone into his pocket and waited to see a surprised Shane through the door.

The door opened slowly, and the one surprised was Ilya.

Shane stood in the doorway, mouth slightly agape, lip split and leaking blood. He had a nasty bruise spreading from his jaw into his cheek. There was a cut on his cheek at the top of the bruise that was a concerning color and was swollen enough to distort Shane’s face a bit.

“Il- Ilya?” Shane said, voice small. Tears flooded his eyes but didn’t fall. Ilya dropped his bag and stepped into Shane’s space, gently pulling him into a hug.

“Oh solynyshko, who did this to your beautiful face?” Ilya cooed as he ran a hand through Shane’s hair. Shane pressed himself into Ilya, Ilya felt his t-shirt becoming wet and felt Shane shake in his arms.

“Shh. I am here now, you are okay.” Ilya said softly. He stood there in the doorway comforting Shane, running a soft hand down Shane’s back in grounding motions. It took a few minutes for Shane’s breathing to calm slightly. Ilya led him back inside, only breaking the embrace to bring his bag in and set it by the door and then wrapped his arms around Shane again. Shane sighed into him and just let himself be held for a moment.

“Did you eat dinner after the game?” Ilya asked softly. He felt Shane shake his head. “Okay, let me make you something.” Ilya said, keeping his tone soft and let Shane into the kitchen and onto one of his barstools. He moved to the freezer and grabbed an ice pack, then grabbed a paper towel to wrap in it and passed it to Shane. Shane pressed it to his bruise and mumbled a “Thanks.”

Ilya took stock of the fridge and went to work making a simple chicken and rice dinner for Shane, sensing that Shane needed something he was more used to tonight, something that Ilya had cataloged as one of Shane’s ‘comfort foods’.

Shane admired Ilya as he cooked, shocked to have the Russian man he desperately had needed when he got home to actually be here, taking care of him. Shane brushed at his eyes and enjoyed the sight.

Ilya cooked quietly, giving concerned glances to Shane every few minutes, each one made Shane’s heart clench a bit at the care Ilya had for him. He couldn’t believe Ilya was here. Thank whoever had brought Ilya into Shane’s life because this perfect man had someone made his way to Montreal early and was now picking up the broken pieces of Shane left from that awful game.

Ilya was getting close to finishing everything and went to grab the plates when he broke the silence, “Do you want to tell me about it tonight?” Ilya asked.

Shane debated it for a moment, but didn’t want to bring any more of this game into his limited time with Ilya, he wanted to be done with it. “I guess.” Shane said shyly, eyes boring into the countertop.

Ilya began plating the chicken.

“The team is still just pretending I don’t exist out there, no one is passing, no one is connecting with me, even JJ is barely acknowledging me out there and I can’t blame him because if he actually tried to play with me they would probably just ice him out too. I’m their captain but they hate me, I know they do. They probably always have and I never realized it because I was too focused on just the game.” Shane let out a deep exhale, speaking some of this was removing some of the weight that had been pressing into his chest.

Shane continued, “It just sucks playing with them now. I try to get them to stop saying homophobic shit, I try to get them to be more respectful to people, I try to get them to care about the stadiums and not act like children leaving messes, but none of it is even like working they don’t do any better and now they all just outright hate me. We probably have no shot at the cup at this rate and I don’t even care almost, they don’t deserve it.” Shane finished with a huff, then sucked in a deep breath, feeling like this was the first one he’d actually taken in days.

“Oh, Shanya.” Ilya said softly, plating their dinner and placing the plates in front of Shane and in front of Ilya’s stool. Shane liked to think of it as Ilya’s stool now, anyway.

“I don’t know, I guess I just have to go back to keeping my mouth shut because they aren’t even defending me out there anymore.” Shane sighed and picked up his fork. “Thank you for dinner, he said softly. Ilya was about to sit on his stool when Shane reached a hand and fisted some of Ilya’s t-shirt and pulled him down for a kiss. Ilya kissed him back and put a hand on Shane’s leg as he sat down.

“Is that why the bruises and cuts? They aren’t defending you?” Ilya asked, squeezing Shane’s thigh as he did.

“Um, some but not the face that was, um, that was more me.” Shane admitted stumbling through his words.

“You?” Ilya asked, turning and moving to inspect the bruises closer, “Shanya, did you start a fight?” Ilya asked slowly.

Shane nodded.

“Oh, Shanya, you never fight, what happened?” Ilya asked, moving his stool so he could sit with an arm around Shane.

“It was Kent, I just couldn’t take his shit anymore, he made some comment in the third period, stupid honestly, it's not like I haven’t heard basically the same thing a million times but I just couldn’t take any of it anymore and with everything else I just snapped.” Shane explained, voice low.

“What did he say?”

“He just called me slurs, like nothing I haven’t heard before and I shouldn’t have reacted because now he probably thinks-” Shane stopped himself.

“What does he probably think?” Ilya asked slowly.

“He probably thinks I reacted so hard to him calling me a-” Shane didn’t want to repeat it, “he probably thinks I’m gay.” Shane admitted softly.

“Oh, Shanya, I’m sure he doesn’t know anything. He will just think you hate him, which you should he is a fucking idiot and a horrible hockey player.” Ilya tried to comfort Shane, realistically Ilya knew Shane was probably right, that the reaction from Shane probably was suspicious, at least a little bit.

“I just hate that I did it, and now I look like a fucking mess and my face hurts and I just feel like an idiot.” Shane said, Ilya watched the way his fork trembled just slightly in his hand. Ilya reached out and steadied Shane’s hand in his, he leaned enough to put his head on Shane’s shoulder.

“You are not an idiot, Shane, you are the smartest one out there. What is it that they say? ‘Shane Hollander has the highest hockey IQ,’ that is true Shanya, you know so much more about the game than anyone.” Ilya spoke with reassurance.

“Maybe I’m smart in hockey, but I’m dumb everywhere else, like with people, it's why my team hates me and I got in a stupid fight tonight.” Shane spoke dejectedly.

“No, Shanya, you are smart everywhere else too. Your team are the ones who are being stupid, they are wasting the chance to actually play with the best hockey player in the league, is on them, and Kent deserved to be punched.” Ilya said, he ran a hand down Shane’s leg as he spoke.

“I will not let them make you feel like this about yourself, Shanya, you are amazing. They are lucky to have you. I am lucky to have you.” Ilya said softly.

Shane’s throat constricted as he choked out, “Thank you.” He blinked the water from eyes quickly, not letting any of it spill.

“Now, eat, and after I will make you feel better and we will come up with a plan.” Ilya said, nudging Shane’s plate towards him.

“Plan?” Shane asked as he started eating.

“Plan to make your team stop being annoying idiot assholes.” Ilya said, pulling back his hands so he could eat his dinner too.

Later, when they were curled up in bed, Shane wanted to ask about whatever plans Ilya had in mind but with the weight of Ilya’s arms around him and the warmth seeping from him, Shane couldn’t help but fall asleep.

Ilya woke up the next morning with one of the most spectacular views in the world. Shane Hollander was between his legs, hand pulling at Ilya’s waistband.

“Good morning, solynyshko, someone is especially eager today.”

“Off.” Shane commanded and Ilya moved to slide his briefs off.

“Mm are you going to show me what those pretty pink lips can do?” Ilya asked with a smirk that quickly faded as he gasped as Shane took almost his entire length down his throat.

Shane made a noise in response, Ilya shuddered at the vibrations from Shane’s voice.

Shane worked quickly, taking little time to make Ilya come entirely undone. When Ilya finished, Shane swallowed and pulled back with a pleased little grin forming.
Ilya took a few moments to get his breathing under control and find the strength of his voice, “You are too perfect, Shanya.” Ilya said, voice hazy.

Eventually Ilya followed Shane to the shower and returned the favor, when they stepped out they found that it was snowing outside and decided to bundle up on the couch and play video games.

“Ah, perfect, I think I will be the Metros so I can play as my favorite player.” Ilya said as he went over to select Shane’s team in the MHL game they were playing.

“You can’t play as me, who am I supposed to be then?” Shane complained, going through the game options. Ilya stretched himself out from his side of the couch to poke Shane’s leg with his foot.

“Hmm, so difficult, you have to play as team without best player in the league.” Ilya said in a sing-song voice.

“You know, I’m going to pick Boston just because you kind of hate them.” Shane said.

Ilya laughed, “Good, now I can beat them finally.”

Ilya did beat him, and jumped around the room like he had won the Stanley Cup, making a big show of his victory. Shane laughed.

“You are such an awful winner.” Shane said through his laugh. Ilya jumped over and landed almost in Shane’s lap.

“Mmm yes, but you like it.” Ilya said and leaned for Shane to kiss him. Shane did and then said, “Yeah, I do.” He did like it, he loved it. He loved when Ilya was silly like this.

After a perfect day together which felt too short, they were in bed tangled together. Shane was still blissed out from his 4th orgasm of the day but a thought came pushing back through his head.

“You never told me your plans.” Shane said soflty, breaking the comfortable silence they had fallen into.

“Ah, my plans.” Ilya said, “You really want to hear?”

“Yeah, if it will help me with the team I’ll try anything.”

“Anything?” Ilya asked coyly.

“Anything aside from fucking them.” Shane said and let out a small laugh.

Ilya chuckled, “I do not think that would fit into my plan well.”

“Good.” Shane said and nestled closer to Ilya, “Tell me.”

“I think you need to be an asshole more. Chirp at them more and don’t scold them so much, if they give you shit chirp again.”

“I’m not good at chirping.” Shane admitted, it was one of the only parts of the game that didn’t come naturally to him.

“I will help you, and we can try to think of things they will say and make different versions if you have an issue you want to address. You tried being nice Shane Hollander, show them menace Shane Hollander, make them want to behave.”

Shane contemplated this for a minute. “I could, but they probably won’t really change like that.”

“Shanya, I am not sure these men want to change, but they can act better at least, I think you can get that from them.” Ilya was probably right, Shane didn’t want to admit it but some of these men were just gross, rotten people who didn’t want to be better. He though back to the number of times he’s pushed Comeau and a few others away from girls they were making uncomfortable at the bar.

“Okay, I’ll try the menace Hollander way.” Shane agreed, and they spent the next hour running through scenarios, Ilya coaching him on what chirps to say.

Chapter End Notes

hope yall enjoyed!! thank you for reading!!! pls let me know what yall think all comments are so loved

love getting to start my coach ilya plot with this one and am so excited to let that plot progress, also shoutout to barrett and yes i hope to get a lil troy/harris moment eventually but like that will be a bit away lmao- also love to have ilya get more confidence back with it

next chapter will be christmas and cottage :))))) which i cannot wait to finish

Chapter 10: The Cottage

Chapter Notes

hiiiiiiii! welcome to the cottage!! this chapter ended up taking a slightly different turn than i had originally planned but I think it works out a lot better this way, i hope yall like it as much as i did writing it!

this is an insanely long chapter compared to others and once again a lot happens, i did debate breaking it into two parts but there wasn't a good split point to me so sorry for that hope yall don't mind how long she is!

“Shane! You cannot tell me you haven’t bought the gift yet!” Rose exclaimed through the phone.

“It’s not that I haven’t bought it, it’s that I’m worried it won’t get here in time.” Shane explained, now sure that his previous text had, in fact, been too vague.

“Okay so what is this present? Do we need to source backup options.”

“Rose,” Shane groaned, “It’s actually two presents, and the backup one is here already I just-” Shane debated telling her again but wanted to keep this to himself in case it didn’t go well. “They said it should be here today and I can’t call the brand rep again about it, I’m just freaking out.”

“Well have you checked the tracking number and stuff?”

“Yes, of course, it's been out for delivery all day but it should’ve been here by now, how late do they have people to do deliveries like?”

“It’s going to get there, Shane. Are you just nervous about having him come?”

“I-” Fuck, Rose always knew how to call him on his shit. “I guess a little, I’ve never brought anyone to the cottage before, this feels big.”

“It is big, Shane.” Rose agreed, “Have you thought about telling your parents over Christmas?”

“I did think about it, but I don’t want to risk ruining Christmas if everything goes bad.” He knew his parents were good people and he knew that really they would be fine but he couldn’t stop that fear from seizing him from deep down inside, and the reminder in him of what happened to Ilya. He knew that nothing like that would happen to him with his parents, but he could see his team pulling something. The reminder of what happened, how Ilya had been hurt, wasn’t helping him break through any of the fear he had become entangled in.

“I think you should tell them soon, Shane. You should at least tell Ilya you want to, does he even know you’ve been thinking about it?”

“No, I-” He didn’t want to tell Ilya because then it would be real and he would really have to do it and he was honestly just too scared for any of this.

“Shane.” Rose said, voice dripping with disappointment.

“I know, I know, I should at least tell him.”

“You should. Everything is going to be fine. Just because you let your parents in does not mean anyone else will find out before you’re ready.” Shane wondered how she could see the fears he was too scared to speak. “Your parents love you, they will be happy you have someone who makes you so happy.”

“I hope so.” Shane said a bit dejectedly.

“They will. I know it. Talk to Ilya while he’s at the cottage, tell him that you want to make progress but you’re scared and you need time. He’s been so patient so far, you said he’s never even mentioned the secret thing but I’m sure it hurts him, you need to tell him you want to do better.”

“I know, you’re right. Thanks, Rose.”

“Anytime, now send me the pictures of the presents after Ilya sees them, I guess if you won’t show me before and please please send me a picture of him I am dying to know what he looks like, Shane. At this point, I’m starting to think he’s imaginary.”

Shane laughed at that, “He’s very real. Maybe you’ll get a picture.”

“‘Maybe,’ is not good enough!” Rose said with a laugh. “Okay, I have to go or I’ll never make it to my parents in time, Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas, bye Rose.”

Shane hung up and went back to packing his bag, he was set to leave for his parents’ and then would be at the cottage with Ilya. He couldn’t wait. He was buzzing with excited energy as he packed his car, taking special care to place Ilya’s presents in the backseat. He would drop them off at his place before going to his parents, to avoid any risk of them seeing the gifts.

He called Hayden on his drive, wished him a Merry Christmas, since they probably wouldn’t speak until after the holiday, and asked about the kids and Jackie, he was happy for the distraction from the drive. He then started listening to his Russian language podcast. The language felt almost impossible to learn, Shane had really only managed to learn a few of the phrases he could use in sex and then greetings and random things he wasn’t sure he’d have any use for.

He was still early in the podcast, and struggled every time he tried to pronounce anything but he was determined. It was one of his new year’s resolutions, after talking to Ilya and his parents and maybe coming out to Hayden. It was going to be a big year.

He had less than two hours left in his drive when Ilya called and he happily spent the rest of it talking to his boyfriend, asking about the traditions Ilya had been vague about but promising to have all of the groceries and things needed for them, he was excited for Ilya to show him everything. He felt so lucky to get to spend the end of this year and the start of his next year with Ilya.

He woke up in his childhood bed Christmas morning to the smell of breakfast downstairs. He glanced at the analog clock on his old nightstand and realized he had slept in a bit, his parents were probably up for a bit already.

He was quick to get ready for the day, changing into his assigned Christmas PJs, his mom picks a pair for them all to wear every year. As Shane fixed his hair in the mirror he had a flash of what it would be to do this with Ilya. He could see Ilya’s mess of curls spread across his pillow case, he imagined Ilya excitedly putting on his PJs and bouncing down the stairs to help with breakfast.

Shane could have had that this year, if he wasn’t so fucking scared. His heart clenched and chest tightened, he took a few steadying breaths trying to calm himself and get back into the Christmas spirit and then made his way downstairs.

His parents were moving around the kitchen in the way that only couples who had been together for so many years could move with each other. He wanted that one day.

He slipped in and started helping. They enjoyed a nice breakfast before opening gifts, Shane was happy to get the usual stocking stuffers and the clothes his mom bought. He gave her a new bottle of perfume and a few new pieces of jewelry, plus a handbag he knew she had been thinking about. His dad got more puzzles, new grill tools, and a new watch. Shane had worked with his Rolex contact for it, it was a bit extravagant but his dad deserved it.

They spent the rest of the afternoon working on one of his dad’s new puzzles with different Christmas movies on in the background. His dad was doing most of the work, Shane and his mom were more watching than working. Shane could picture Ilya sprawled out on the floor working on the puzzle with his dad, for the millionth time today Shane wished he had Ilya here today. He had texted Ilya in the morning and a few times throughout the day but hadn’t been able to call him.

Ilya had been cagey when Shane asked if he was doing anything today, Shane worried that meant Ilya was spending the day alone and let his cowardice win once again by not pushing to ask more. He knew Ilya had told him that Russians didn’t really spend Christmas like they did in North America but Shane still felt sick at the thought of Ilya alone in his apartment today.

At least he will be here tomorrow. He wouldn’t be spending New Years alone, Shane had made sure of it.

His dad had made decent progress on his puzzle and stopped to take a break to work on his prime rib. Shane took the moment to run upstairs and call Ilya.

Ilya had woken up alone in his apartment. The colors inside felt colder today as he struggled to get out of bed. Holidays were tough for him, especially the ones that revolved around family.

Sveta was travelling to visit her family she still liked in Russia, a place Ilya still couldn’t go anymore. Outside of Sveta, Ilya had no family left. He didn’t like thinking about his father or brother, and didn't care to know what had happened to them. If he was honest with himself, knowing might be worse than not knowing.

He didn’t like to think about his father or brother, but liked to try to remember and honor his Mama on days like this. He had bought all of the ingredients for his mother’s Vareniki and her Kutia, it would take him a while so he would be distracted most of the day cooking. The apartment seemed to warm up as he worked on his mother’s recipes, his hand kept reaching up to hold his cross unconsciously as he worked.

He was mid-cooking as the phone rang with Sveta’s name flashing across the screen, he smiled as he answered.

“Hello Sveta.”

“Hello Ilyusha, please tell me you are having a good Christmas.” Sveta said, her voice light but Ilya could hear the edge of concern she tried hiding.

“Is good. I picked some of Mama’s recipes and have been cooking all day.” Ilya told her.

“Good. I hate the idea of you alone in Boston.” Sveta said, “When do you leave?” She asked, Ilya tried to decipher the weird tone of her voice.

“I leave tomorrow to see my perfect boyfriend and get to spend New Year’s with him, will be perfect.”

“Hmm. Yes, sure. I’m glad you won’t be alone for it at least.”

Ilya could hear the disapproval of Shane now. “Sveta, please do not be like that with him.”

“You won’t even tell me his name Ilya!” Sveta said exasperated.

“Sveta, you know-”

“No! That is so weird you have been dating this man for months now and you can’t even tell me his name!” Her voice rose higher as she continued. “You don’t tell me where you go when you leave town, you could end up in this man’s basement dead somewhere and I would have nothing to tell police aside from the fact you call him perfect and are clearly falling for him even though he doesn’t deserve it!”

“Sveta, is complicated, you know this.”

He could hear Sveta take a deep breath. “I know nothing, Ilya. I am worried for you, I want you to be happy.” She said in a voice much softer than it had a moment ago.

“I am happy, I am the most happy I have been in so long, please trust me, Sveta.” Ilya begged, he wished she could just understand but didn’t know how to make her without being able to tell her anything.

“Okay, sorry, I do not want to fight today. I just wanted to call and make sure you were doing okay. Tell me about your new little team, how are they doing?”

Ilya was happy to talk about anything else and spent another 30 minutes on the phone with Sveta talking about his favorites, who she scolded him for having but he couldn’t help it, and his plans for the start of the year. They hung up after she told him about Russia and all of the annoying family drama she was fielding, Ilya was the only person she could talk to about any of this who actually understood and knew the dynamics of her large family. Ilya liked to be able to support her with them, it was one of the only areas he could offer support to Sveta.

He finished cooking and put on a Die Hard marathon, his personal favorite of the Christmas movies and watched as he ate everything. He had made too much but he would freeze it so it would be okay when he came back, it may not taste as good after being frozen but it would be worth it.

It was still early when his phone flashed with a call from Shane.

“Merry Christmas, Shanya.” Ilya said, forcing more happiness into his voice.

“Merry Christmas, Ilya. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.” Shane said, his voice a bit quiet.

“Are you in your room?” Ilya asked.

“Yes. My parents are working on dinner, I probably won't have too long.”

“That’s okay, I’m glad you called.”

“Of course I did, I wasn’t going to let today pass without wishing you a Merry Christmas.”

“That’s sweet, Shanya, thank you.” Ilya’s chest felt tight with all of the emotions wanting to pour out. Talking to Shane always calmed him, it always left him feeling lighter and better than he ever had from doing anything else.

“How was your day? Did you do anything fun?” Shane asked, hoping Ilya had found something to fill his day with.

“Has been good. I cooked some of my Mama’s recipes and spoke to Sveta from Russia for a bit, and watched a movie, it has been good.”

“Good, I’m glad.” Shane said softly.

“What did you do? Has it been good with your parents?” Ilya asked, Shane noted the caring tone of his voice.

“Yes, it's been good with them, we’ve just been doing our usual Christmas stuff. We gave presents and watched Christmas movies while my mom and I pretended to help my dad with his new puzzle. We’re about to have dinner so I had time to sneak off and call you.”

“I’m glad you did, I’m glad it's been good.”

“It has, and you’re packed for tomorrow?”

“Da, I am all packed.”

“And you have warm enough clothes? It’s going to be a lot colder than what you’re probably used to.” Shane said, Ilya could hear the edge of worry in his voice.

“I have warm enough clothes, I am from Russia, remember?” Ilya said in a teasing voice.

“I know but you haven’t been in this kind of weather in a while, you have good underclothes right?”

Ilya loved how worried Shane was for his warmth. “Da, I promise, and if not I’m sure my boyfriend will let me borrow some.”

“He will.” Shane said, Ilya heard a muffled sound and then, “Okay, I’ve got to go back downstairs, text me before you leave tomorrow and when you land, I’ll be there to pick you up.”

“You are going to pick me up?” Ilya asked, they hadn’t done that before.

“Yeah, it would be crazy to have to take a rideshare to the cottage, it's too far, and I’m not missing a minute with you so I will be there, I’ll find somewhere to park and keep a hat and sunglasses on, it’ll be fine.” Shane said, Ilya could hear the slight anxiety in his voice about his plan.

“I’m sure it will be, I can’t wait. I will see you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of Christmas, Solynyshko.”

“You too.” Shane said, and Ilya watched his phone flash back to the normal home screen.

The airport had a large crowd for the day after Christmas but Ilya wove his way through the crowd and found his way to the long-term parking area. He walked as fast as he could to the section that Shane said his car was parked in, his bones felt like ice by the time he found Shane’s car. He quickly put his suitcase in the trunk and practically threw himself into the car.

It was warm inside, and his seat was heated. Ilya rubbed his hands together and tried to get his teeth to stop chattering before speaking.

“I told you it was cold.” Shane said.

“Y- Yes, I-It I-Is.” Ilya said, unable to stop his teeth from chattering. Shane reached across and took Ilya’s hands in his and started warming them in his own.

“You just need a few moments, the car should warm you up, I’ll give you more layers when we are back at the cottage, actually-” Suddenly Shane was stripping out of his outercoat and passing it to Ilya.

“Put this on, it’ll help.”

“Shane-” Ilya tried to refuse.

“You can give it back when you warm up, I was actually a little hot wearing it.”

Ilya could tell that was a lie, but he was too cold to keep arguing and wanted to be in Shane’s coat, he loved wearing Shane’s clothes. He slipped the coat on and watched the roads as Shane drove them out of the airport and headed towards the cottage.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, Shane’s hand stretched over and resting on Ilya’s thigh. Ilya loved the anchoring feeling he got from the touch.

“Are you hungry?” Shane asked.

“I am okay,” Ilya said, it wasn’t totally true but he didn’t want to wait any longer than he had to to get out of this car and hold Shane in his arms. He wanted to see this ‘cottage’ Shane loved so much in person, he wouldn’t admit it to Shane but he had watched the special they had shot there last year and couldn’t wait to see the place Shane called, ‘his oasis.’

“I have plenty of food at the cottage and I followed the list you sent me and got everything, I don’t think I’ve ever had herring before or had this many potatoes in my fridge before.” Shane said, his voice teasing.

“Ah, is the price for having a Russian boyfriend, a very steep price I know.”

Shane laughed at this, “Luckily, I am more than willing to pay that price,” he said, squeezing Ilya’s leg. He let Ilya put on some music for the rest of the drive and Ilya let Shane tell him about his cottage.

When they finally pulled up to the road the cottage was on and it came into sight, Ilya’s jaw dropped. “Shane, this is not a cottage, this is-” Ilya was at a loss for words. Ilya thought a ‘cottage’ was usually more like a cabin; this was like some beautiful rustic mansion tucked against a gorgeous frozen lake. A light dusting of snow covered everything, making it look almost magical.

“Do you like it?” Shane asked, his slight tremble in his voice revealing all of the nerves.

“Da. Of course Shane is beautiful, but is not a cottage, this is like a winter castle.”

Shane laughed at that, “It’s definitely not a castle, Ilya. Come on, let me show you inside.”

Shane was moving out of the door and going to get Ilya’s bag, Ilya was moving slowly from his travel, his knee stiff today from being kept in the same positions for too long. He realized as Shane stood at the door, punching in a code on a silent keypad that Ilya was still wearing Shane’s jacket. Ilya rushed to grab his bag and usher Shane inside when the door was open. He wrapped his arms around Shane and pulled him into a big hug.

“You did not let me give you your jacket back,” Ilya said, pulling back to look at Shane’s face, his nose and cheeks already a little pink. He tugged Shane into his chest, “Let me warm you,” Ilya said, tone serious and soft.

Shane laughed into his chest but melted into it. “It was like two seconds, Ilya, I’m fine.”

“Nyet, my krolik looks cold, this cannot do.” Ilya said, holding Shane tighter to him. After a few minutes, Shane felt warmer in his arms and he loosened his grip some.

“Can I show you around now, am I warm enough, misha?”

Ilya beamed at the nickname, and nodded excitedly, “Yes, yes, show me around, you said you built this yourself Mr. Realestate?”

Shane led Ilya by the hand through the house, “Yes, I built it and worked with a designer to basically design it myself.”

Shane led him through the space, “This is the living area and the kitchen, I have my own well so the water is really good actually.” Shane pointed to the stairs, “I have a few rooms upstairs and my office.” He walked and grabbed Ilya’s bag and then began to make his way to a different, smaller stairwell up to a room with a closed door. Ilya made a sound in protest and tried to grab the bag but Shane pulled it out of his reach.

“Come on, I’ll show you my room.” Shane said and Ilya followed him up the stairs. Shane set Ilya’s bag down on a small stool he had set up in the corner and turned to face Ilya, reaching his hands and pulling Ilya in through fistfuls of clothes. Ilya pulled Shane’s jaw up and kissed him deeply. Shane moaned into the kiss and ran his hands through Ilya’s curls.

Ilya pulled back slightly, knowing Shane would prefer Ilya to be showered before getting into bed. “Show me the shower, get the plane off me and then rest of the tour.” Shane nodded and began leading Ilya to the bathroom.

He ran a hand down Ilya’s chest and tucked his fingers into Ilya’s waistband, pulling it slowly brushing his fingers around Ilya’s waist. Shane took his time with Ilya’s button and zipper, moving his hand in toying motions that sent thrills through Ilya’s spine as each touch of Shane’s fingers grazed him. Ilya pulled off his own shirt quickly, hoping to inspire Shane to hurry with his pants.

Shane finally slid Ilya’s jeans down and Ilya finished stepping out of them as Shane removed his own clothes.

Ilya turned the water on slowly in the shower, flexing his fingers and curling them slowly around the handle, knowing Shane’s eyes were on him. As the water hit Ilya’s chest he turned and looked at Shane whose pink lips were slightly parted, he ran his tongue down his bottom lip, as if on instinct. The motion sent bolts of electricity down Ilya’s spine, he reached a hand and slowly took his own cock, watching Shane’s face shift becoming lost in his haze of want.

Shane stepped closer towards the shower, taking painstakingly slow steps, eyes tracking every movement of Ilya’s fingers against his own cock.

Shane stepped towards Ilya and looked into those blazing blue eyes, the cut jawline that Shane wanted to lick or better yet, devour and leave marks all along from how long Shane wanted to kiss it.

Shane took in the steam filling the bathroom, somehow it made Ilya look almost as ethereal as it was. Shane reached out and anchored his hands on Ilya, to be sure he wasn’t going to float away.

Ilya reached back and pulled Shane into him, tracing a finger along Shane’s jaw and pulling him into a kiss. Ilya moved his lips slowly, drinking in the feeling of Shane against him, of Shane’s perfect mouth moving in time with his, like it was made for him.

Shane pulled back slowly and Ilya groaned at the loss of his lips. He watched as Shane ran a hand down the contours of Ilya’s body, eyes dark and wanting and a spark of something mischievous in them.

Shane slowly brought himself to his knees and Ilya took in the sight of Shane looking up at him. The way his hair fell from the water in it, the dimples in his cheeks that formed as he grinned widely as he looked up at Ilya.

The moment Shane’s hand was around Ilya’s cock, he almost came undone. The sheer want and need for the moment had built so much that he had almost lost himself right then, like a stupid kid coming too quickly from his time.

Ilya centered himself and kept himself from jolting as Shane took him between those perfect pink lips. Ilya watched Shane as he worked, admiring the crease that formed between his brows as he focused on pleasuring Ilya.

Shane swirled his tongue in sinful ministrations around Ilya, singing a song that only Ilya could hear. Ilya couldn’t help the low moan that escaped him as Shane brought a hand up and began playing with the soft skin of his balls. It was almost enough to make him come right then, but he wanted more. He needed more.

Shane began to move faster and Ilya knew he couldn’t last much longer. He began whispering in Russian as he felt the familiar warmth rise within him. The lightning shot through his entire body as Shane moved on him.

He came into Shane’s mouth and watched as Shane actually smirked up at him as he swallowed. The sight alone could have had Ilya ready for round two but he needed Shane’s lips on him and was ecstatic as Shane lifted himself up and began kissing Ilya.

Ilya wanted to return the favor but knew he couldn’t handle being on his knee after today. He settled for washing Shane, moving his hands slowly, dipping them into Shane’s flesh and watching the way he melted into it.

When they were clean and dried off, Ilya led Shane to his bed and was quick to return the favor.

After laying blissed out in Shane’s bed, they slowly made their way to the kitchen where Ilya insisted on cooking for Shane.

“Is what good WAGs do!” Ilya had used as part of his argument when Shane tried to insist he would cook.

Ilya took in Shane’s ingredients and went to work making chicken and vegetables, well seasoned, something he knew would fit in Shane’s diet plan.

Shane watched as Ilya moved around the kitchen, offering suggestions of where things were so Ilya didn’t have to look too much. His chest felt so full of emotion as he watched Ilya move through the space as if it were his own.

Suddenly, Shane was picturing it. Ilya having his own cabinets and rearranging the kitchen’s organization slowly over the years because he was the one who liked to cook more. Shane could see breakfasts spent at the table and dinners down on the dock. He could see coming here every year with Ilya and imagined Ilya requesting multiple stops along the way, because Ilya seemed like the kind of person who would want to stop at every roadside stand and Shane would be happy to stop with him.

As Ilya used a spatula to turn the meat on the stove Shane couldn’t help but want to run over there and wrap his arms around him. He wanted to spend every moment with Ilya. As if all at once all of the feelings that had built over the past few months compiled together and Shane couldn’t stop himself from admitting to himself that he was in love with this curly haired Russian making him dinner.

Fuck. He loved Ilya.

He loved Ilya with every fucking ounce of his being and felt stupid for taking so long to find him, and so long to realize it. He has never felt so safe, so seen. Ilya saw and appreciated every part of Shane. He teased Shane in just the right and knew when to turn to comfort Shane instead. He knew the exact words Shane needed, the exact touch he needed to get out of his head.

Ilya had always called him after practice, had clearly memorized Shane’s schedule and Shane couldn’t stop himself from realizing he had done the same with Ilya.

The brightest part of his day was being with Ilya. He spent every moment he couldn’t be with Ilya waiting and looking forward to the next time he could wrap the Russian in his arms.

He spent practices cataloging moments he could relate to Ilya later. He couldn’t help himself from building scenarios in his head of their future, dreams of what his life could be like if he wasn’t so scared. He felt so stupid for being so scared now as he watched Ilya carefully season the pan and Shane realized Ilya was making one of Shane’s comfort foods.

Shane’s chest bloomed with emotion and he almost blurted it right then.

I love you.

Because he did. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t named it sooner but he loved Ilya Rosanov. He had probably been in love for months and was only now able to name it.

They ate at the stools at the counter and Shane already stated referring to the stool Ilya was in as ‘Ilya’s stool’ in his head. Ilya’s knee bumped against his as they ate and Shane was thankful for the contact.

He asked about Ilya’s team and was happy to listen to Ilya’s stories about them and to hear how they had been progressing so much in such a short time.

After eating they moved to the couch. Shane tried to give Ilya the remote.

“Put on whatever you want.” He said, gesturing the remote towards Ilya.

Ilya pushed it back towards Shane and said, “Nyet, you decide.” He moved from sitting next to Shane to half laying into him, wrapping his arms around Shane and began running circles in his side.

“I will not be able to pay attention to anything with you here anyway, solynyshko.” Ilya’s voice had reached that soft register Shane loved.

“Okay, fine.” Shane pretended to complain, but was secretly happy to turn on a show about a motel renovation.

Ilya was true to his words and paid no attention to the show. Instead, he ran his hands up and down the contours of Shane’s body. Ilya tried to memorize every hard line and every soft curve of Shane’s body. He found himself melting into Shane, allowing himself to sink deeply into him and met Shane’s breathing.

He looked up and found Shane with a smile on his face, his eyes were on the tv but he glanced down at Ilya and Ilya beamed into those beautiful brown eyes.

Ilya took in the different shades lining Shane’s irises, the soft shift of browns that made up one of Ilya’s favorite sights in the world. The others all being other parts of Shane that Ilya is determined to commit to memory forever.

Ilya took in the way the soft light from outside changed Shane’s face. It had been overcast when they came but now it was just barely cloudy and the soft afternoon light filled the room, making Shane look warmer and softer.

Ilya reached a hand up and stroked under Shane’s jaw, Shane looked down at him and his smile broadened.

Ilya moved up Shane’s body and straddled him, pushing his legs and forcing his weight a bit into Shane, anchoring Shane in the way he knew Shane loved.

He began to grind his hips slowly and brought his mouth down on Shane’s. Shane moved in time with him. Every one of Ilya’s senses was overridden by the feeling of Shane. He felt himself getting hard and groaned into the kiss. He was just about to pull back and suggest they move to Shane’s room when he heard a small cough.

Every muscle in Ilya’s body shifted.

Suddenly he was back.

He was in his room in Russia.

Sasha was under him.

The door opened and Alexei came in slowly.

“What the fuck, Ilya.” Alexei spat.

“I knew it. I knew you were nothing but a disgusting-”

Shane was moving under him- quickly pushing Ilya off of him and moving to sit up straight. Ilya was back in the cottage. He forced himself to push through the disorientation he felt as the memories came bleeding in. He moved to sit just as straight, posture absolutely perfect in the way his father had insisted, before risking a glance at whoever had caught them. Fuck. This couldn’t happen to Shane. Ilya wouldn’t let it.

If it came to it, Ilya would fight. He would be sure Shane was safe. What happened to Ilya would not happen to Shane. Ilya would be sure of it.

Ilya straightened his spine and allowed his muscles to tense. He felt his body shift into that familiar tenseness it would when his father would get mad, when his father would simply beat him when he was kid. Not when his father had taken Ilya’s dreams.

Ilya hadn’t realized Shane was speaking. Shane was shaking his shoulder, “Come on,” Shane said and was suddenly standing up.

“Let’s go to my room for a moment.”

Ilya allowed himself to be tugged to Shane’s room. His heart was hammering in his chest. He could feel his hand becoming slick against Shane’s, Shane must hate the feeling of it.

Ilya allowed Shane to take him into his room and to be sat on Shane’s bed.

He braced himself for it. He braced himself for Shane to tell him to lie, to say they were joking around and then to leave. To never contact Shane again. To never see him again. To never touch him again.

It was over. It would all be over. Ilya had lost everything.

He had let himself become too safe. He had forgotten to guard his heart, to stop himself from feeling. He had let himself fall in love with Shane and now he was going to lose Shane and have what little pieces of his heart that remained crushed further.

Ilya wasn’t ready to be left with broken ashes for a heart.

He wanted more time.

He couldn’t register that Shane was speaking. He couldn’t register the soft touches behind his ear, under his jaw. He couldn’t hear anything but his own breathing.

“What the fuck were you doing?” Ilya’s Papa asked.

“I was just studying plays with Sasha, whatever Alexei told you is a lie.” Ilya insisted, he would do anything, say anything to convince his father of something besides the truth.

“Lies. You have always been a pitiful liar, Ilya. I should have known. I had my suspicions but I thought I could fix you before it was too late and now I see I was a fool to think that.” His father’s voice rose as he spoke. Ilya trembled, bracing for impact of whatever his father was about to do him.

“Please, Papa, please.” Ilya begged. He wasn’t sure what to say, how to stop what was coming.

“You deserved this Ilya. I wasted my time on you. I wasted my energy and my life trying to make you great.” His father laughed. “The great Ilya Rozanov, such a fucking joke-“

Someone was shaking Ilya’s shoulders and saying his name over and over. Ilya’s face felt wet. His breathing was ragged, out of control, he felt like was suffocating.

“Ilya. Ilya, please. Please look at me.” Shane was begging him. Ilya only then realized that Shane had wrapped himself tightly around where Ilya was sitting up on the bed, straddling him and forcing his weight into Ilya. Ilya allows himself to be anchored by the pressure of Shane’s sheltering body pushing into him, crushing him with the embrace around his arms.

“Please. Please. Come back. Talk to me.” Shane begged. He had never seen Ilya like this. It was like Ilya was gone. Like his soul had left his body and all that was left was a shaking, sobbing shell.

“Please.” Ilya focused on the softness of Shane’s voice. “Please talk to me. You are here. You are with me, Shane. Your Shanya. You are okay. Please, please be okay.” Shane was half comforting, half begging.

Ilya forced himself to look at Shane to see the worry clouding those brown eyes he had been admiring just a little while ago.

“I-” a noise came out of Ilya’s throat that sounded like a cough. He ran a hand down his face and flinched as he felt the wetness across his cheeks.

He focused on the feeling of the bedding beneath him. Of the soft glow from the lamps in the room, the way they changed the colors of everything slightly now that the sun was setting.

He took in the feeling of Shane’s thighs pressed into him. The muscles there tense.

Ilya took a few steadying breaths. He was safe. He was in the cottage. He was with Shane. This wasn’t like Russia. This would not go the same.

When Ilya finally found his voice he choked out a small. “I’m sorry.”

Shane wrapped his arms tighter around Ilya’s torso. “Please, please come back to me. You’re okay. I’m here.” Shane’s voice was so soft, so gentle, but Ilya could hear the worry there. He saw the crease between Shane’s brow.

Fuck. Fuck. He took a few more breaths. What happened? They had been caught. Shane’s parents had caught them. Fuck. Fuck.

Ilya reminded himself that Shane’s parents loved him. That Shane’s parents wouldn’t hurt Shane. They love Shane. Shane will be okay. Shane has to be okay.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Shanya.” Ilya pleaded.

The moment Shane heard that cough and recognized it as his dad’s Shane wanted to melt into oblivion. This could not be happening. Shane wasn’t ready. He was still working on it. He was going to tell them when he was ready. Fuck. Fuck. And now they’ve seen them on the couch. They have seen Ilya. Fuck.

Shane’s spiral was broken only by the glance he gave Ilya. He saw Ilya’s face drained of all color. His shoulder’s drawn tight. His posture was impossibly straight, one Shane had never seen. Ilya’s hands were clasped and in his lap, eyes glancing to the floor.

“Shane.” His mom said, apparently for the second time.

“Give us a moment. I’m sorry. I-“ Shane couldn’t find something to say. He needed to make sure Ilya was okay.

“Give us a second.” He said and he began pulling Ilya to his room. He had never been more scared in his life. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Shane was supposed to have time to become ready. He was supposed to have time for a plan. He was supposed to be ready. Fuck.

Ilya had gone almost completely catatonic by the time Shane sat him down on the bed. Shane wasn’t sure what to do but moved to straddle him.

He watched as Ilya’s eyes left the room and the shift in his breathing became more intense, the tears that started flowing down those perfect cheeks, the way every part of him began to tremble and shake.

Shane whispered reassurances. Tried to anchor Ilya with his weight. Remind Ilya he was okay, he was with Shane. After some time, Shane didn’t know how long, Ilya spoke a broken apology.

Shane pulled him into his arms tighter.

“No. This is not your fault, Ilya. This is not your fault.” Shane spoke softly. “I’m sorry. I should have told my parents I was going to be in Montreal, maybe they wouldn’t have come then.” Shane said, keeping his voice soft and reassuring.

“I-l,” Ilya tried to start.

“No.” Shane said firmly. “This is not your fault. They were going to find out sooner or later. I was going to tell them.” Shane spoke quickly.

Ilya still looked like he was going to be sick.

“Hey-“ Shane said softly, pressing a gentle kiss to Ilya's temple. “We are okay. You are okay.” Shane pressed another kiss.

“You are okay. You are here with your boyfriend who loves you. You are safe.” Shane spoke, pressing himself into Ilya before freezing.

What had he just said? Fuck. Fuck. Ilya was already spiraling. This was not the time to add that in. Fuck.

“You-“ Ilya’s voice was strangled and rough, “You love me?” Ilya asked, his voice broken, more tears falling down his face.

Shane brushed them away with a gentle touch. “Yes.” He couldn’t deny it. He had said it. It was true. He peered into those eyes he loved and said, “I love you, Ilya.”

“You-“ Ilya took a deep breath, eyes peering into Shane’s. “You do?” Ilya’s voice was so small.

“I do. I wanted to tell you some way different but,” Shane sighed, he needed Ilya to know he was worth whatever was about to happen.

“I love you. I have been in love with you for a while now. I was too scared to tell you.” Shane said, brushing the new tears that were spilling down Ilya’s cheeks away.

“I-” Ilya’s voice choked.

“You don’t have to say it back. It’s okay.” Shane rushed out.

“No, no, Shane I-” Ilya took a deep breath. “I love you too.” Ilya said, his voice steadier than it had been.

Shane’s heart hammered in his chest.

Ilya loved him too.

Shane wrapped his arms tighter around Ilya and kissed him deeply. So thankful to be here with a man who loved him back. The possibility of spending years coming to this cottage felt more real, the vision brighter and clearer in his head.

He pulled back, not wanting to stop but suddenly remembering his parents were downstairs. His parents had just seen them. Fuck.

Shane pulled back and tried to keep his muscles from tensing as he looked at Ilya.

“I have to go talk to them. You can stay here if you want, it will be okay.” Shane assured Ilya, he knew this might be too hard for Ilya and he really didn’t want to watch Ilya slip into panic again.

“My parents will be okay, they are probably just surprised but I’m sure this will be fine.” Shane continued, half trying to convince himself and half trying to convince Ilya.

Ilya reached out and brushed the back of Shane’s neck, “No, Shanya, you do not do this alone. I’m sorry, I-“

“No apologies.” Shane cut off.

“Fine. It reminded me of before.” Shane nodded in understanding. Ilya continued, “I am okay now. I am here, with you. I will make sure we are okay. This will not go like it did with me.” Ilya finished, a shudder passing through his body. Shane brushed a soft finger across Ilya’s cheek.

“Everything will be okay.” Shane agreed. It had to be.

They slowly made their way off the bed, Ilya giving Shane one last crushing hug before following him back out to the living. They came down the stairs and Ilya took in Shane’s parents who were sitting on the couch. He could tell Shane’s looks came mostly from his mom but he could see the similarities of some of Shane’s features in his dad.

Ilya wasn’t sure if he should reach out and take Shane’s hand, he could see them trembling slightly, he knew his own were doing the same. He was working too hard to focus on his breathing, to keep it calm and controlled. He felt himself stiffen his posture, bracing himself.

“Um,” Shane started, “This was obviously not how I planned to tell you.” Shane said, voice shaking slightly.

Ilya wanted so badly to reach out and touch him but that felt like too much right now. He didn’t want to risk more contact in front of Shane’s parents yet. He needed to be sure it was safe. He shifted himself closer to Shane, ready to protect him.

“Tell us what, exactly…” Shane’s mom’s voice trailed off, Yuna, Shane had told Ilya that ages ago. Ilya wasn’t sure if she should be Yuna or Mrs. Hollander to him, Yuna felt too informal.

“I’m gay.” Shane said. Ilya noted the slight intake of breath both of his parents took at the words. For a moment the entire room was frozen. Ilya wanted to say something but there was nothing he could say, this was Shane’s moment.

“I’m gay.” Shane said again, breaking the silence that fell over the room. Shane glanced over at Ilya and reached out a hand, Ilya wasted no time taking it, just wanting to comfort Shane. If Shane needed Ilya’s hand he could have it, he could take the whole arm.

“This is my boyfriend, Ilya.” Shane said. Eyes moving from Ilya’s back to his parents.

Ilya’s chest warmed at Shane claiming him like this in front of his parents.

“Oh.” Escaped his mom’s throat. Ilya tensed at it.

“This wasn’t how I was going to tell you, but I was going to tell you.” Shane needed them to know he had wanted this. Shane needed Ilya to know that he had wanted this. He just ran out of time to do it in his own way, on his own schedule.

Shane’s parents stayed silent. Ilya wished they would say something, he needed to understand what they were thinking.

“I’m sorry, I-“ Shane lost his words. Ilya gave his hands a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m sorry, I tried to be normal, I really did but I just couldn’t. I know this wasn’t what you probably saw for me and it doesn’t fit into the image you’ve helped me build and I’m sorry but I can’t help it.” Shane spoke quickly, words almost blurring together, “and- and I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t want to be different because then I couldn’t have fallen in love with Ilya. I-“ Shane wasn’t sure what else to say. “I wanted you to meet him soon. I wanted to tell you soon I just-“

Shane’s mom finally cut in. “Oh, Shane, no. I-“ Shane tensed as he waited for her to find the words.

“I’m so sorry, Shane. I’m so sorry you felt you couldn’t tell us, that you had to try to be something else. We love you Shane, all of you.” Yuna spoke softly. Shane’s dad nodded.

“We just want you to be happy, son.” David or Mr. Hollander. Ilya was going with Mr. Hollander for outside his head.

Ilya felt the tension slip out of Shane. He loosed a breath he had been holding too, feeling lighter than he had a moment before.

“Can we- should we talk?” Yuna asked, “We were just trying to bring you dinner, we definitely have enough, maybe we could heat it up and talk?” She spoke softly.

Shane agreed and soon they were all sitting at the dining table with plates of pasta in front of them.

“So how long has this been going on?” David asked.

“Being gay?” Shane responded. God Ilya loved how literal this man could be.

Shane’s parents laughed softly. “No, Shane, how long have you and Ilya been together?”

“Oh.” Shane said. A blush spread across those perfect freckles.

“Since early October,” Ilya supplied, trying to help Shane.

“Okay.” Yuna said, “and it’s serious?” She asked. Ilya couldn’t tell if she wanted it to be or not.

“It is.” Shane said and squeezed Ilya’s thigh under the table.

“Da.” Ilya agreed. “I love your son very much.” He added, not sure if that was helping but feeling like he should say it.

“Good.” Yuna said. “So tell us about yourself, Ilya.”

Ilya felt every muscle in him tense. Fuck. What could he say?

“Hi I am Ilya Rosanov, I used to be good at hockey before I disgraced my father and he ended my career by fucking my leg up. I clean one of the stadiums your son makes millions playing in and I live in a shitty studio apartment. I have nothing to offer your son and am not worthy of him. I do not even know how he could have fallen in love with me or why he did, I’m sure he will snap out of it eventually.”

He couldn’t say that.

“Ilya’s an assistant coach to a little league team, he volunteers with them.” Shane supplied. Shane had mentioned his mom was hockey obsessed, clearly Shane was trying to win him some points.

“Da. I like coaching the kids, they have been getting better since I started, I think.”

Yuna nodded, “That’s nice, and do you live in Montreal?”

“No, I live in Boston.” Ilya said.

“Hopefully not a Raider’s fan.” Yuna grumbled and Ilya had to keep himself from laughing.

“Mom.” Shane groaned.

“What?” She asked, “Your boyfriend can’t support your rivals!”

Ilya’s heart fluttered as she acknowledged him as Shane’s boyfriend.

“I support the Metros, don’t worry.” Ilya assured her, allowing a small smile on his face.

“Good! And what do you do for work?”

“I- um.” Fuck was there a way to say it that sounded better?”

“I actually work for the stadium.” Hopefully they wouldn’t press him further.

“Oh, is that how you met?” David asked, Ilya was glad for the segway off his work.

“No, I met him when I was out with the team.” Shane answered.

“Nice.” Yuna supplied. “So, Shane, do you have a plan for everything? I think Reebok would be good to look into, they usually do a decent pride line every year. Some brands may be weird about it but we can figure all of that out…”

Ilya watched as Shane’s breathing swallowed.

“Um- I. I don’t. Um-“ Shane stuttered. Ilya gave his thigh a reassuring squeeze. He leaned in and spoke softly.

“You are good. We are good here.” Because they were. No one was throwing a desk at them. They were sitting together having dinner, Shane’s parents making an effort to get to know Shane’s boyfriend. This was better than Ilya would have imagined, honestly. It was clear his parents really did just want Shane to be happy, and didn’t care if it was Ilya who made him happy as long as he was.

“I don’t know about coming out, like fully. I think-“ Shane took a steadying breath. “I think I just want to know there’s a future for us, and maybe not have to hide so much eventually.”

“Okay. Right. Yeah, we go at your pace kid. Your mom just gets excited.” David said, taking a sip of beer as he finished speaking.

They were nearing the end of the meal, Yuna started asking about what Ilya had been doing over Christmas and suddenly everything just felt like too much for Shane. The hem of his shirt was cutting into his neck too much, the elastic on his waistband itching his skin there. The floor was too cold. The air is too thin. He put his head down on the table in between his arms and tried to steady his breathing, to stop focusing on the sound of the heat running quietly.

“Shanya.” Ilya said softly. He moved to kneel next to Shane, coming into Shane’s view of the floor.

“Shane. Look at me.” Shane’s eyes met his, and Ilya could see the panic there.

“I’m okay. I’m just-“ Shane tried to explain.

“You are. You are good here. Your parents are here and they love you. Your boyfriend is here and he loves you. You are good. You are safe.” Ilya spoke softly, watching the tension leave Shane’s shoulders as he did.

Shane loosened a deep breath, “you’re right I just.”

“Is a lot. Is okay. We are good.” Ilya reassured him.

He put a steadying hand on Shane’s leg and squeezed he stayed kneeled at Shane’s side, trying not to care about how Shane’s parents would react to him like this.

Shane settled enough and Ilya moved back to his seat. He saw a mix of relief and awe in Shane’s parents' faces. Good. Maybe they didn’t hate him.

Ilya noticed that they had finished eating and went to clear their plates. Shane followed him with what dishes Ilya couldn’t carry.

Shane’s parents followed them to the kitchen and then started making their goodbyes. Apologizing for walking in and promising to text the next time they come over. Ilya set the plates down in the sink and turned to face them, to offer a small goodbye and hopefully shake Shane’s dad’s hand.

Suddenly Yuna was wrapping Ilya into her arms, Ilya froze at the touch at first, surprised at it but quickly moved to hug her back.

She pulled back and smiled at him, “Thank you for loving our son.”

Ilya’s throat tightened, he struggled to say, “of course.”

David came over and shook Ilya’s hand. “It was nice to meet you, Ilya.” He said softly.

“Da. You too.” Ilya said, relief blooming in his chest at how this had all worked out.

“We will see you when we are back from our trip, Shane. We can talk more then.” Yuna said pulling him into a love. “We love you, we are always so proud of you.” She said as she pulled back.

“Thanks mom I love you guys too. I’ll see you when you get back from the trip.” Shane said as he walked them to the door. His dad gave him a hug and then they were out of the door. Shane stood with a hand pressed to the closed door for a moment.

Ilya was a bit scared to speak but he thought that went well, it was a lot for one day for both of them.

Shane loved him. Shane was going to tell his parents. Shane loved him.

Ilya moved to wrap his arms around Shane from behind and rested his head on Shane’s shoulder.

“Well that wasn’t what I thought would happen tonight.” Ilya said slowly, keeping his tone light.

Suddenly Shane was shaking against him, Ilya was worried Shane was crying but then heard that laugh break out of him. He pulled away and doubled over laughing. Ilya started to laugh too.

“Oh my god,” Shane said between laughs.

“That was a lot.” Ilya said.

“I can’t believe that just happened.” Shane said, his laugh calming some.

“Neither can I.” Ilya said. “I think it went well though, right?” He tried to keep his tone light, and keep all of the nerves still in him out of it.

“I think it did.” Shane said. He stepped into Ilya’s space and taking his hands.

“I think they liked you.” Shane said quietly.

“I hope so.” Ilya said. “Go get in bed, I will finish the dishes and come join you.”

“Let me help.” Shane insisted. They moved in sync with each other, slipping into a similar domesticity he had admired his parents moving in just yesterday.

His parents knew. They knew. They had met Ilya. The world hadn’t ended. He was fine. More than fine, he was actually so happy to have the weight lifted off his chest. He had been so worried about how they would react and what would happen and it wasn’t by any means perfect but it had happened. It had been. It was done and over and now Shane could just move on with his life with Ilya.

Next year Ilya could be at Christmas. They could go together to dinners at his parents this summer, hopefully Ilya could get a decent bit of time off to come visit.

Shane knew that Ilya had American citizenship, not Canadian, so he couldn’t just move to Canada but there were pathways that made it easier for people with U.S. citizenship. Would Ilya want to move closer?

Shane kind of hoped that one day Ilya would move to Montreal. Maybe they could live together. Shane knew he was thinking too far ahead in the future, but it felt safer to do so.

His parents knew. Ilya wasn’t hidden from everyone he loved anymore. The life he wanted so badly with Ilya felt more real to him, more possible.

The dishes were finished and Ilya led Shane to his room. The exhaustion of the night was finally pressing in on Shane, he could feel himself crashing. He was thankful for Ilya as Ilya led him to the bedroom and sat Shane on the end of the bed before going to his suitcase and pulling out one of the shirts Shane had tried to steal and gave it to Shane to put on. Shane did so wordlessly as Ilya moved to Shane’s dresser and pulled on one of Shane’s shirts.

Shane stripped his pants off so he was just his briefs and Ilya’s shirt and shifted to get under the covers. Ilya did the same and pulled the covers back and settled into bed wrapping himself around Shane. Shane melted into Ilya’s chest and was quickly falling asleep, lulled by Ilya’s warmth and presence.

Ilya woke up first the next day. His mind was still reeling from the night before. Shane’s parents had walked in on them. They had dinner with them. They knew about Shane. They knew about Ilya. Everything had been fine.

Ilya was so unbelievably grateful that last night had gone as well as it did. He would have hated himself even more if Shane’s parents had turned on Shane. He could never have allowed himself to be the reason Shane lost his family.

Shane hadn’t lost his family. His family had stayed, they loved Shane, they had eaten dinner together. They had asked Ilya about himself.

Ilya felt bad now about not being more open, he was too nervous to think straight or to offer better answers. He should have asked them about themselves, asked how their Christmas was going or about the trip they were going on.

He hadn't been charming. He hadn’t been charismatic. He’d been more like a bug trapped under a glass awaiting whatever fate its captor had in mind.

Not a great first impression for a boyfriend.

Shane loved him.

How could Shane love him? How could he possibly have fallen for Ilya in the way Ilya had for him? Ilya was nothing, what was there to love? An obnoxious Russian who needs to massage his knee after sitting for too long. He can’t even fucking sit, like? What was there to love?

Shane would realize he didn’t love Ilya, that had to be the only explanation. He would wake up today and realize it and everything would end like it should have last night. Shane had probably only said it to calm Ilya down, he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t.

Shane shifted slightly and Ilya could tell he was waking up. Ilya wrapped his arms tighter around Shane, not ready to lose this just yet, and pressed a soft kiss to the back of his neck.

“Good morning, solynyshko.” Ilya said softly, voice still husky from sleep.

Shane let out low muffled sound, Ilya couldn’t decipher as actual words. He chuckled softly and moved to straddle Shane. He wasn’t sure if he’d get another chance too. Ilya was too worried Shane would get into his head, would spiral about what had happened last night and finally end things and Ilya was hoping he could do anything to keep that from happening for as long as possible. Maybe they could just pretend for a bit that it hadn’t happened. Ilya could try that.

Shane moved to allow Ilya better leverage where he was straddling Shane. It wasn’t the best position for his knee but he couldn’t care right now as Shane looked up at him with a sleepy smile on his face. The morning light made him look so soft.

Ilya leaned down and kissed Shane’s cheek and then the other and then his nose. He knew Shane didn’t like morning breath kisses so avoided his mouth, even though he was desperate to kiss him.

“Good morning, Ilya.”

Ilya moved off Shane and bounded to the bathroom, quickly brushing his teeth before bouncing back onto the bed and pulling Shane into a kiss. Shane laughed into it, “so so eager for me.” He mumbled against Ilya and then kissed him back. He was then getting out of bed to start his morning routine and Ilya moved with him staying close enough to be Shane’s shadow. He admired Shane as he went through each step of his skin care routine, and let Shane use some of the product on Ilya too. It made Ilya feel pampered to have Shane washing his face and applying his different moisturizers.

Ilya cooked them breakfast and Shane hovered as he did so, Ilya kept brushing into Shane pretending he was accidentally bumping into him but then would linger with each touch.

Shane was happy to let Ilya cook and ate next to Ilya like they had yesterday, Shane kept brushing his knee against Ilya, just wanting to ground himself in Ilya’s contact.

After breakfast Shane moved them over to the couch.

“So I know we should probably talk about last night.” Shane said as Ilya settled down into him.

“Do you want to?” Ilya asked. Shane loved that Ilya always gave him the option.

“We can talk about it later if you want to, is still fresh, I think.” Ilya continued, he was really hoping to get more time before this conversation, before Shane ended things.

“No. I- I think we should.” Shane said softly, reaching a hand out to brush it down Ilya’s leg.

Ilya reached a hand out facing up, an offer. Shane took it and squeezed. “I’m really glad that you met my parents, I think it went as well as expected for it to have ended up going like that.” Shane’s voice was soft, he ran a thumb across Ilya’s hand as he spoke.

“I’m sorry that it happened like that though, I had this whole plan to tell you that I wanted to talk to them. I wanted to set up a visit and a dinner and make everything perfect, I didn’t really want them to walk in on me getting hard underneath you.” Shane smiled after the last part.

Ilya chuckled at that, “No, was not the most ideal way to meet them, but it did it go well? Da?” Shane could hear the nerves in Ilya’s voice. He moved closer into Ilya’s space, hoping to offer comfort.

“I think it did. I’m glad you got to meet them, I feel stupid for not just having you come for Christmas now, I was too nervous about everything and too scared to ask that.” Shawn admitted.

Ilya’s heart skipped a beat, Shane had thought about asking him to come for Christmas? Had thought about spending the holiday with Ilya there with his family. How could that be possible?

“Da. I think it did. I hoped they liked me.” Ilya said and snuggled himself into Shane.

“I think they did. Maybe when you come to visit in a few weeks we can have a more proper dinner. I want you all to get to know each other more, now that you can.” Shane spoke steadily, leaning into Ilya.

Ilya’s voice was trembling slightly when he asked, “You really want that?”

Shane pulled back to look Ilya in his eyes, “I do. I really do. I want all of the people I love together more. I want to introduce you to my friends too, I’m still a bit nervous to try with my hockey friends but Rose has been dying to meet you, if you would like to do that.”

Ilya has to push away the feelings of jealousy that always arose when Shane brought up his actress ex-girlfriend. Shane was gay. But not gay enough to not fuck Rose Landry.

“Da. I would like to do that.” Ilya spoke softly, unable to believe that Shane really wanted people to know about him.

“And I want to meet people you trust too. Like maybe if you wanted me to meet Sveta, or if you haven’t told her about us you should at least.”

Ilya was shocked. “Really?” He couldn't believe it. How could this really be happening? How could Shane really want more with him?

“Yes. I want to know the people important to you.” Shane looked at him with all sincerity in his eyes.

“Da. I want you to meet her.” Ilya said softly, because he did, he had been dying to introduce them or to at least stop hiding from Sveta.

“I don’t think I’m ready to like come out or anything but I just-” Shane took a deep breath. “I just want the people in my life to know about you. I don’t want to keep hiding from the people I care about, and I want to have you in more of my life. I want you to meet the people I care about, I want them to meet you. I just-“ Shane took another deep breath.

“I just really love you and I want more with you, is that um- is that okay?” Shane’s eyes were a mix of emotion.

Ilya couldn’t believe this was real. Last night he had been so sure Shane was going to kick him out and completely forget about Ilya and now, now Shane was here telling Ilya he wanted more? How could that be possible? How could Shane want that?

“I-“ Ilya didn’t know how to respond.

Why would Shane want more with him?

“How could you want more with me?” Ilya hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

Shane looked at him, his face devastated.“What?” His voice was broken as it spilled out of his lips.

“Shane, how could you really want that with me, I’m not-“ how could Ilya explain it? “I’m not good, I’m not worth it, you- you cannot want more with me. I am nothing, I have nothing for you, why would you want me?”

“Oh, Ilya.” Shane brushed a finger across Ilya’s cheeks.

Ilya swatted him away. He didn’t deserve the touch. He didn’t deserve Shane. This was all too much. Ilya didn’t deserve this.

“No- Shane, I should not have- I can’t- You can’t want me.” Ilya couldn’t find the words, he kept trying.

“You can’t want me, you can’t want more with me, why would you? I am just a fucking stadium cleaner with a shit knee? I have nothing for you, how can you love nothing? You can’t.” Ilya pulled back, fully retreating into himself.

There. That would do. It wasn’t enough, he could never fully explain it but it would have to do. Shane would realize Ilya was right and it would all be over.

“Ilya.” Shane’s voice was so soft. “I- I didn’t know you-“ Shane let out a choked sound.

He slowly reached a hand out and pulled Ilya’s arms open, releasing Ilya’s knees from his chest before moving to pull himself to Ilya’s chest and wrap his arms around him.

Ilya was shaking under him. Shane didn’t know how to convince Ilya that Ilya was so much more than what he had just said. He hadn’t realized Ilya thought so little of himself. Sure, they were in very different financial situations but Ilya had to rebuild his entire life? Shane didn’t think he would have been strong enough to do that, and if he had to do that without his family? He couldn’t imagine. He couldn’t imagine being forced to leave his home country and literally build a whole new life while nursing a career ending injury and mourning the loss of hockey. It would have destroyed Shane if it was him. Shane was just so fucking thankful to have Ilya here. That Ilya survived and rebuilt.

“Ilya you are not nothing. Please, please, please never say that. You are so much more than your job or your knee, you are kind and smart and funny, you make me laugh and smile. You are the only person who makes me feel better on shit days. You’re the only person I look forward to talking to everyday. I am so fucking thankful every single day that I let my team drag me out that night months ago so I could meet you. Please believe that I love you. You are everything to me, Ilya. You deserve everything good in the world and I just hope I can be the person to give it to you.”

Ilya had a steady stream of tears flowing down his cheeks. He melted into Shane's arms and let the embrace take him. He wanted to believe Shane. He wanted to so, so badly.

Shane had seen him now at his worst. He knew what Ilya thought of himself, what the truth of Ilya actually was. He was still here, holding Ilya.

Ilya shook as he cried into Shane. Shane wrapped his arms tighter around him and Ilya wrapped his arms tighter back.

“I love you. I have been falling in love with you since that night in October and I almost said it a million times yesterday before everything. I love you.” Shane spoke softly, Ilya’s shaking calming with the words.

“I love you too.” Ilya’s voice came out broken and small.

Shane held him there for most of the afternoon, they rearranged to a more comfortable position with Shane laying almost directly on top of Ilya. They laid there for hours with Shane running his fingers down the contours of Ilya’s body beneath him, whispering reassurances and how much he loved him. Shane would keep telling him until he was sure Ilya believed it. Until Ilya was sure he was worth it, because he was.

By the time the sun set. Ilya was feeling better and they were returning back to their pre-parents interruption energy. Shane was here. Shane has spent the entire day telling him that Shane loved him. Ilya had started to believe it.

There was still a small voice in his brain telling him that this couldn’t be real, that Shane would realize he deserved more and leave Ilya. However, for now the voice was practically muted and Ilya was happy to let it be.

Eventually Shane was pulling Ilya up and leading him into the kitchen. He asked if Ilya would cook with him and Ilya agreed, his movements were a bit slow as he followed Shane’s lead but he was grateful each time Shane accidentally bumped into and kept the contact for longer than necessary.

They ate sitting as close as possible, legs fully touching from how close their stools were. Shane asked more questions about Ilya’s team, asked about the favorites he knew Ilya was forming in his head.

When they were finished they cleaned together and Shane led Ilya into the shower and made sure he walked out fully relaxed. Shane curled himself into Ilya as they laid down and was happy to have Ilya fall asleep quickly in his arms.

Shane would be sure Ilya left the cottage believing and knowing how much Shane loved him. He stayed up listening to Ilya breathing, forming his plan. He hadn’t realized how late it had gotten, Ilya had probably been asleep for an hour but Shane’s mind was too excited.

He still had his gifts to give. He will do that tomorrow. But first he would make Ilya breakfast. Then they could do presents and hopefully skate on the lake, Shane had already checked it and knew it was safe.

They would do the lake. Simple lunch. Shane could show him the skating building after and they could maybe play or just glide around. Shane knew that might be too much for Ilya’s knee, so maybe instead they would just come back inside and Shane could let him pick a movie or they could play video games or something more chill.

It was a good plan.

Shane felt Ilya shift next to him, he looked over to find Ilya’s sleepy eyes looking up at where he was leaning against the headboard. He still looked a bit fragile, Shane ran an anchoring hand down Ilya’s closest arm.

“What are you thinking of krolik?” Ilya’s voice was rough, his accent thicker with sleep.

“I was thinking about what we should do tomorrow.” Shane said and moved back down the bed to snuggle into Ilya.

“Mmm? What do you want to do tomorrow?” Ilya asked softly.

“Well I was thinking I could give you your Christmas gift after we make breakfast.”

“Mmm,” Ilya hummed in agreement, “Da, I want to give you your gift too.” Ilya knew it couldn’t be as nice as anything Shane had managed, but he was a little proud of himself for it.

“Go to sleep, Shanya, so you can wake up and I can give you your gift.”

“Okay.” Shane said he pressed into Ilya as much as he could and fell asleep imagining what it would be like to skate with him tomorrow.

Ilya woke up with Shane still curled around him. He had to remind himself that Shane loved him. That Shane still wanted him. Shane had spent the whole day trying to make Ilya believe and Ilya was finally letting himself believe, just a little.

He waited for Shane to wake up and sunk down the bed between Shane’s thighs.

Shane grinned down at him, one of Ilya’s favorite sights.

Ilya left Shane boneless by the time he was done, he had to literally drag Shane out of bed to get him to the kitchen for breakfast. Ilya made them Shuba, only after Shane requested Ilya make them something Russian, insisting that he was promised lessons. Shane was happy to try anything Ilya made, as he was pleasantly delighted by everything Ilya cooked, they were fantastic. It was out of diet, but it was the break and he wanted to eat his boyfriend’s food.

They moved to the couch after breakfast, after both gathering their gifts. Shane was a little self-conscious about giving his, they were kind a stretch, maybe. One of them was definitely too expensive but Ilya deserved it. Ilya deserved so much more.

“Okay. Um- do you um-“ Shane wasn’t sure how to start this.

“Here, Shanya. I hope you like it.” Ilya passed him a rectangular wrapped package.

Shane was slow to unwrap it, he had unwrapped it upside down. Reversing the back of a picture frame as he tore through the paper. He removed it all and turned the frame around and gasped.

It was a close up photo from their game. The prospect cup. 2008, Regina. They were glaring at eachother across the ice, both of them looking so young.

Shane realized with a start that this was the only picture he had of them together. He had been too scared to risk any, he was worried someone would hack them and then release them but now it felt like a crime that the only picture Shane had was one where they had barely known each other.

“Ilya-“ Shane choked out, blinking his burning eyes to keep the view of the photo from getting blurry.

“I know is not much, but I wanted you to have a photo of us. There are a few more under it from that game.”

Shane’s throat was tight as he asked, “How did you even get these?”

“It wasn’t too hard, I just found photos from the game online and contacted the photographer and asked for more. I told him I wanted pictures of me playing but asked for any he had from the game. I only printed the best ones but I have a thumb drive of them all.” Ilya reached into his pocket and pulled out a thumb drive and passed it to Shane. “I made you one too, felt weird to wrap, sorry.”

Shane took it and held it to his heart for a moment. This was the best gift Ilya could have given him.

“Thank you.” Shane said, voice tight and tears threatening to spill over. He brushed at his eyes quickly before saying, “I love this, I love you. It’s perfect.”

Ilya reached out and brushed a hand over Shane’s leg.

Shane reached to pass his own gifts, his hands becoming clammy as he passed the smaller box to Ilya.

“I um, I kind of got nervous so I got you two.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything, just being here was gift enough.” Ilya said as he took the box slowly.

Ilya opened it and gave a small gasp as he took in the contents of the box.

“Shane- how did you? When did you?” Ilya stammered as he picked up one of the black bars of soap from the box and lifted it to his nose. It reminded him of home. He only had a few bars still and mostly used them in his drawers, something his mama had done too with the same soaps. He liked keeping them; it made him feel closer to her.

“How did you know to get this?” Ilya asked putting the soap back in the box and then setting it on the coffee table with reverence.

“I looked up why does my Russian boyfriend have a black bar of soap in his drawer. I had found it a while back when I was trying to steal that t-shirt the first time.”

“Ahh, yes you’re first attempt to steal the lucky shirt.”

“It will be mine one day, you won’t even notice it’s gone.” Shane said, a smirk spread across his face.

Ilya was now wishing he had wrapped it and had it as a second gift, he would leave it in Shane’s bag when he left. That would be a good surprise.

“You will have to work very hard to get away with, Shanya.” Ilya teased him.

“I love them,” Ilya said as he gestured to the box, “thank you, Shanya. I cannot believe you found them, I haven’t bought them in ages.”

Shane could understand why, it was an arm and a leg to ship them from Russia, Shane was thankful he had ordered these earlier than his other gift.

Shane passed the larger box to Ilya and sat with his nerves as Ilya tore into the wrapping faster than he had with the previous one. Shane got a glimpse of what Ilya must look like on Christmas morning, his heart ached with the fact he had missed his chance for it this year.

Ilya froze as he realized what was inside the box.

“Shane-“ he started. “You didn’t…” his voice was in awe as he opened the box. His mouth dropped as he took in the customized skates with his name and his old number on them.

Shane had worked with his brand rep at CCM to make them, had said it was for an old friend who wanted to get back into the sport and thought it would be a nice gift, the rep had been only too nice to help.

Ilya pulled one of them slowly out of the box, holding it and inspecting it like it was a diamond tiara and not a hockey skate.

“I can’t believe you did this.” Ilya’s voice trembled slightly, “is too much, Shanya, I can’t, this is-“

“That’s why I got them customized, so you have to accept them.” Shane knew Ilya too well, this was a big gift, but Ilya deserved good skates for his practices. He deserved to skate for fun if he wanted. Shane had never heard him mention it aside from complaining off handedly after his second practice that his skate kept catching edges. Shane realized Ilya was using an old pair or must have been renting some and knew he had to get Ilya a new pair.

“I thought you deserved nice skates for when you’re coaching, maybe now you can show off some.” Shane said and rubbed Ilya’s bad knee with one of the pain relieving moves he had learned.

“I also thought maybe, and we don’t have to, but maybe you would want to try them out today? The lake is safe to skate on and we could check out my training facility after maybe…” Shane trailed off, Ilya had been curious to see inside the other building. Their break had been quite interrupted so far, he was happy to get them back on track some.

“Da. I would love that. Thank you Shane, I can’t believe you got me these.” Ilya took in the colors Shane had chosen, the placement of his number.

“You added my number.” He said in a half whisper, like he still couldn’t believe he was holding these. Shane had designed him skates.

“Yeah, and your name. I have a contact with them in Boston who can help you with adjustments if you need any, we’ll find out today, I guess.” Shane said and forced a small laugh.

Ilya took in the skates again, still unable to believe that this was life. He was sitting on Shane Hollander’s, his boyfriend somehow’s, couch and had just gotten custom skates that Shane had designed for him.

They got ready and bundled up and went down to the lake. Shane laced his skates up first and then offered to do Ilya’s, Ilya could do his own skates but he was happy to let Shane do it for him. He watched the small blush spread across Shane’s cheek as Ilya leaned in and booped his nose.

“Come on.” Shane said, dragging Ilya on his feet.

Ilya was thankful he had already gotten used to being on skates again already from his practices, but his shitty skates were nothing like being on these.

The first glide he took was the smoothest he had felt, maybe ever, not even his old professional skates had been this high quality. He watched Shane glide ahead, clearly showing off. Ilya laughed and raced after him, careful with his knee, not wanting to do anything that would keep him off it for the rest of the week. Shane deserved a reward for this.

Shane skated fast and Ilya had no hope of catching up after first but then slowed so Ilya could catch him. Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane and they spun with each other for a moment, both laughing at the spin their momentum had forced them into.

Ilya leaned down and kissed Shane, drinking him in.

“I love you.” Ilya said as they broke apart, words spilling out of him the emotion so big inside him he couldn’t keep it in.

“I love you too.” Shane said, grinning widely up at him.

Shane slipped his phone out of his pocket and opened his camera app. He held it out and pulled Ilya into frame. Ilya gave him a surprised look, eyebrows raised.

“I want to have a picture of us. I want to have more pictures, I don’t want to worry about them as much and I need pictures of you to look at when you’re in Boston.” Shane explained.

A smile spread across Ilya’s face, “Okay.” He said looking into the camera. Shane took one with them smiling and one with him kissing Ilya on the cheek. Their noses and cheeks were pink, it had dusted a little so they had little flakes in the hair sticking out from their hats and in their eyelashes. Ilya was grinning so widely in both pictures, it warmed Shane from the inside.

They spent an hour skating around the lake, laughing with each other. They went inside for lunch and then Shane led Ilya into his training building. He showed Ilya the fake ice that he had installed, they ended up sliding around it passing back and forth and playing horse with their shots.

Ilya made them dinner, one of the Russian dishes he had Shane buy the ingredients of, he let Shane play sous-chef, taking every excuse to touch him.

Shane was glad as they were cuddled together in bed, still naked, later that their dynamic had returned from before his parent’s interruption. Ilya dozed softly, a heavy arm pressing warmth into Shane’s chest. Shane let himself drift off, enjoying the feel of it.

They spent their days leading up to New Years skating on the lake and playing against each other on Shane’s fake ice.

Shane woke up New Years Eve to an empty bed, he frowned and got up and got ready quickly, wondering where Ilya was as he opened the door and breathed in the smell of Ilya’s cooking. He walked quickly over to the Russian who was facing the stove. Shane wrapped his arms around Ilya from behind.

“Good morning, Happy New Year's Eve.” Shane spoke softly, pressing a kiss to Ilya’s jaw.

“Good morning, solynyshko. Happy New Year's Eve.” Ilya said.

“What is this?”

“Ah, blinis, they are like Russian crepes, almost.” Ilya explained, turning to face Shane, “My mama used to make them for us on New Years, so I thought we would start with that.”

Shane’s chest bloomed at that, “I’m sure they’re really good.” Shane said and happily watched Ilya as he cooked. They were really good, Shane ate more than he probably should have but the smile on Ilya’s face was worth whatever hours he would put in at the gym after his break ended.

After breakfast they did a bit of skating, then returned inside so Ilya could start their feast. He ended up making enough dishes for them to eat leftovers until he left. Shane wasn’t sure if he even had the tupperware to contain it all but was happy to taste everything, even the fish dishes which he had been apprehensive about when he was told to buy the herring. Everything Ilya made was fantastic, Shane happily joined him eating their feast. They watched the New Years ball drop performances and judged each one like they were judges on some reality talent show.

When it was close to midnight, Ilya poured them champagne glasses and got papers and a lighter. He explained the tradition, and had Shane write his wish on a sheet of paper. Ilya flicked his lighter, and they both watched as the ashes dropped into the glasses.

The lighting of the cottage was soft and warm, Ilya glowed in it. Shane watched as he burned the papers, enjoying the way Ilya looked in the soft orange flow of the lighter.

They hadn’t shown each other the wishes, and Shane was glad they had folded them before burning them, he hoped this would come true.

He watched as the words hidden inside burned. I wish Ilya would believe he was worth love. It was a good wish, he would do everything he could to make it come true.

They toasted as the ball dropped and drank from their champagne before putting their glasses down and kissing each other. Shane was so happy to have Ilya as his New Year’s kiss, he was so fucking happy to be here right now.

Their final time at the cottage went by too fast. It felt too soon before he was loading their bags into the car, preparing to take Ilya to the airport. They had planned for Ilya to drive back with Shane to Montreal, and for the first time ever Shane was thankful the drive was long.

They left early, Shane was sad to watch the cottage disappear through the rear view. Ilya caught Shane’s frown and rested a hand on his thigh.

“Is a really good cottage. Thank you for having me.” He said, in all sincerity.

“Thank you for coming, I hope you can join me here this summer. I think you’d like swimming in the lake.” Shane said, hoping to continue to make it clear how much he wanted Ilya and loved him.

“Da. I am a fast swimmer, I might beat you when we race.” Ilya said with a smirk.

Shane laughed at that. “We’ll see about that.”

They spent the rest of the drive talking about things they wanted to do next summer and planning Ilya’s next few trips to visit. Boston and Montreal’s next two games were in Montreal, so Shane wouldn’t be visiting Boston for a while.

When Shane pulled into the airport he tugged his hat and glasses on, adding his hood. He was as in disguise as he could be as he drove Ilya to the long term parking lot, knowing it would be emptier. He pulled into a space and looked across the console at his beautiful boyfriend. He didn’t want Ilya to go. He wished Ilya could just come home with him and stay.

After spending the most days they had together, Shane had become spoiled. He wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to survive just seeing Ilya for weekends until the season ended.

Shane took a quick check of their surroundings before half climbing over the console to pull Ilya into a kiss. Hand’s clenched in Ilya's outer clothes, Shane kissed him deeply. Ilya kissed him back with the same voracity.

Shane pulled apart slowly, hating every loss of contact as he did so, but he didn’t want Ilya to miss his flight. He was also a little worried to be seen, even though he knew it wasn’t likely here in the back of a parking garage with no one visible around.

“I’ll miss you.” Shane said, “I hate watching you leave.” He admitted, softly.

Ilya’s eyes shifted, drooping slightly, “I hate leaving.” He said, voice clear.

“Text me before you take off?”

“Da. Will update you on entire journey like live reporter.”

“Good. I won’t see them until I’m home probably. Call me when you get home?”

“Da. Of course, I will be spending the whole flight waiting to speak to you.”

Shane blushed at that. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Ilya said and checked before pulling Shane in for one final kiss. Shane pulled back and said it again, “I love you. Have a safe flight.”

Shane felt like a fist was pulling his heart out of his chest as he watched Ilya get out of the car. When the trunk opened, Shane couldn’t help but call “Love you.” Softly to the back. He was happy to get Ilya’s response but it almost made it worse. He watched Ilya make his way to the elevators and waited until he was in them before pulling out of his slip.

Chapter End Notes

so a lot happens!!!

shane's parents teaaaaaa shane was kinda forced into being more ready than he was but it be workin out for him! the meeting is def tense and i think Ilya's reaction is like pretty valid given what he's been through but def was not the vibe he would have wanted when meeting them but the whole thing has Shane ready to be a lil more open which is teaaa

loved writing their gifts and their moments at the cottage, honestly could have written another 10k words but had to cut myslef off at some point lmaoooooo

again hope yall enjoyed!! please let me know what you think, I'm hoping to get the next chapter out in the next few days and we get a lil more loverboy shane in it so far :)))

Chapter 11: First Steps

Chapter Notes

Hiiii!!! I’m back!! First- I could not edit this chapter my laptop broke which is also why it took longer to get out so that is so fun for me! Sorry for mistakes will prob go back and clean it eventually but want to keep posting!! Really hope yall enjoy this one lmk what you think!!

Shane was dreading his parents getting back to Ottawa. He had a game there on the 13th and there would be no avoiding the much longer conversation that was sure to come. He’d spoken to them briefly and they all avoided speaking about what had happened over the break. Honestly, he’d been glad to keep the conversations about hockey and his brand deals, he wasn’t sure how to talk to them about this without having Ilya there for support this time, but he knew he needed to talk to them.

Shane’s nerves had been fried most of the day, he’d managed to call Ilya before the game and that was the only reason he was able to focus on the puck during the game instead of trying to keep his lunch in his stomach.

He took a car to his parents, Ilya had texted him a few times with words of encouragement and that he loved Shane. The texts helped, but Shane wished he could just teleport Ilya here, even though this conversation needed to happen between just Shane’s parents and him.

He slid his sweaty palms on his pants before walking through the front door.

“Mom? Dad? I’m here…” Shane said, trailing off as he took off his shoes and walked further into the house to find his parents in the kitchen.

They both gave him a hug and Shane tried to help cook but they shooed him to the table, and gave him a ginger ale.

The conversation was a bit formal, they were all dancing around the elephant in the room. They were halfway through the meal when apparently Yuna couldn’t keep avoiding it,

“So, Shane, your dad and I wanted to talk to you.” She shot David a glance as he spoke, he gave Shane a reassuring nod.

“Mom, we really don’t have to-” Shane really didn’t want to.

“We just want you to know how proud of you we are, son.” David spoke softly, “and that we love you.”

Shane’s shoulders loosened slightly, he knew his parents loved him still but it was reassuring to hear.

“We are just so sorry if we ever made you feel like you couldn’t be open with us, or tell us, and we’re sorry that we found out the way we did, we didn’t mean to take that choice away from you.” Yuna said, reaching a hand out and taking Shane’s. “We love you so much, Shane, nothing could ever change that.”

Shane’s eyes burned as he responded, voice a bit rough, “Thank you. I love you too.”

His parents both gave him a warm smile and he felt more of weight lifted off him. Everything was really okay, they were okay with him being gay.

“So, this boyfriend of yours…” David started.

“Yes! I’m worried we freaked him out a bit when we met him.” Yuna said, “Tell us more about him, Shane.”

Shane wasn’t sure where to start.

“Um, well, we met right at the start of the season,” Shane began, voice a bit quiet. “We were boyfriends by November.” He looked up at them, still unsure what to really say. “He’s from Russia, he’s really smart, he’s kind, he’s funny, and he’s a really good chef. He loves volunteering with his team, he used to play when he was growing up. ” Shane was rambling, he looked up to see his parents nodding, leaning intently towards him.

“He sounds really great, Shane.” David said slowly.

“He does,” Yuna said, “and what was it that he did for work?”

“Oh, he’s on the facilities team for the Raiders.” Shane answered.

“Oh.” Yuna made a face.

“What?” Shane asked, tone a bit sharper than he intended.

“Nothing, I just always thought, nevermind…” Yuna said and went to take a sip of her wine.

Shane felt something hot stir inside him, he knew he shouldn't argue further but, “No, what are you thinking?” Shane demanded.

His mom made a face as she said, “I just always thought you’d be with someone a little more ambitious, is all,” keeping her tone overly casual.
“What?” Shane asked, Ilya was plenty ambitious, and Shane didn't like what her tone was insinuating. Shane began defending his boyfriend, “Ilya’s had a harder life, you don’t know how much he’s gone through. He’s fought so hard to build a new life in a new country. He’s very ambitious.” Shane said, knowing what his mom was implying. Does she really think he’s not good enough? Shane hated the idea as it burned through him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sure he is. I just expected someone different is all.” Yuna said.

Shane couldn’t let it go. “Like who?”

“Shane, I really didn’t mean anything by it, I just imagine someone with a bit more of a career, that’s all.”

“Ilya has a job, he has a career.” Shane answered, annoyed this had taken such a turn.

“Of course he does.” David cut in, “Your mom didn’t mean anything, Shane.” He said softly, trying to make peace between them.

Shane sat back in his chair and huffed. “You said he was a little league coach?” David asked, clearly going for a safe topic to hopefully save the conversation.

“Yes.” Shane’s answer was a bit more clipped than he intended.

“Does he like it?” David asked.

“He does, he really likes helping the kids, I think he’s probably really good with them.” Shane could only answer based on Ilya’s stories from practices, but he could see Ilya being good with kids.

“That’s awesome, and he volunteers for that right?” David asked.

“Yeah, the coaches and refs are all volunteers, the league is free for the kids for the most part, the hard part is equipment for mostly, but they’re trying to make the sport more accessible to all kids.” Shane said, unable to spot the pride from blooming in his chest as he spoke about Ilya’s coaching.

“That’s really amazing, sweetie.” Yuna said softly, braving her way back into the conversation.

“It is.” Shane said.

The rest of the evening went okay, but Shane felt like the energy was a bit off as he went to leave. His mom stopped him by the door.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for before, I didn’t mean to-”

Shane cut her off, just wanting to be done with this. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine, Ilya’s important to you. That makes him important to us. I would like to meet him again, officially.” Yuna said.

“Um-” Shane stammered, “I- Okay. Um, yeah. I’ll talk to him and we can figure something out.”

Shane needed to speak to Ilya. The conversation with his parents unsettled him. He could hear what his mom wasn’t saying, saw the shift in her energy when he spoke about Ilya. Shane called Ilya the second he was back at the hotel, after finding an empty ice room for privacy.

Ilya picked up on the first ring. “Hello, solynyshko, I didn’t think I would hear your voice again today, is good surprise.” Ilya’s voice had already melted some of the tension Shane had been carrying since his parents’.

“Hey,” Shane tried to keep his tone light, Ilya saw through it.

“What happened, Shane?”

Shane let out a deep breath, “I had dinner with my parents, it was just a bit weird. I don’t know…”

“Were they- did they- were they upset, solynyshko?” Ilya stumbled through his words, accenting sounding a bit rougher, in the way Shane had noted when Ilya was upset.

“No, no, they were fine about me and everything, really.” Shane didn’t want to lie but he also couldn’t tell Ilya his mom had insinuated Ilya wasn’t good enough. Shane knew now how Ilya struggled with himself, he wasn’t letting his mom’s words add to any self doubt Ilya had.

“It was just weird, I’m not used to talking about my dating life and it was just a lot.” Shane said, hoping Ilya wouldn’t press further.

“I’m sorry, Shane, I know you weren’t ready for them to know, is my fault-”

“No, Ilya. It is not your fault. It is mine, I should’ve told them sooner. Don’t apologize, it’s all good.” Shane said, it wasn’t all good really but it would be, hopefully.

“My parents want to meet you again, officially, if you want.” Shane said and hoped that this time they would be able to see why Shane loved Ilya so much.

“Oh,” Ilya said, voice small.

“Do you not want to?” Shane asked nervously.
“No, no, is not that, I-” Ilya took a deep breath, Shane waited but Ilya didn’t finish.

“You can tell me anything, I love you.” Shane spoke, pouring the emotion into his voice.

“I am worried, Shanya.” Ilya admitted, “What if they don’t like me?” Ilya’s voice was almost a whisper.

“They will love you.” Shane said sternly, “Like I love you.” Shane listened as Ilya sighed into the phone. “They won’t be able to resist the Rozanov charm, I couldn’t.” Shane said and Ilya gave a soft chuckle.

“You are right, what am I thinking, I am irresistible.” Ilya said, teasing tone in his voice. Shane felt like he was trying to deflect.

“I love you so much, Ilya, you are so amazing. So smart and funny and kind and I am so lucky to have you as mine.” Shane said, tone serious, needing Ilya to believe him.

“I love you too, Shane.” Ilya said, voice soft.

“I miss you, I have to go back to my room soon, I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“Da. Call me tomorrow.” Ilya said, “Good night, Shanya, I love you.”

“I love you too.” Shane said it took all of his willpower to end the call and make his way to his shared hotel room.

A few days later, Ilya woke up shivering, his apartment was freezing. He groaned getting out of bed, feet touching the cold floor and felt his teeth start to chatter. Fuck why was it so cold? Ilya grabbed the blanket from his bed and wrapped it around himself and then walked over to the thermostat. Had his heat turned off? Had he switched to cool by accident somehow?

Each step he took was agonizing, his knee creaked and groaned with the movement, bones feeling like they were grinding to dust. The cold was not helping matters as he shivered and took in the thermostat. It was set to heat, but the temperature read 56 degrees.

“Blyat!” Ilya cursed and moved to bundle into warmer clothes, he did not have time for this today. He had work in an hour and practice immediately after. He was quick to get ready and called his landlord as he left, he got the voicemail of course, which meant the heat probably wouldn’t get fixed today.

He trudged through his shift, texting Shane on his breaks and continually trying to get a response from his landlord with no luck.

He made it to practice a little bit late, he had hoped to get there early and do some warm-up laps and stretches to help his knee but found himself thrown right into the fray. Troy and him divided the lines and Ilya took a turn leading their forwards through drills. The new skates allowed him to do more on the ice, actually show the kids moves, but today he was struggling to just glide across the ice with his stupid knee. He gritted his teeth as he corrected stick handling techniques and offered an example of the correct way, determined to not let the kids see him in pain. He was fine, he had dealt with worse.

As he and Troy gathered the equipment after practice, Troy asked, “You good today, Roz?”

“Yes, of course.” Ilya said.

“Okay, you just looked a little white out there, did you fuck something up at work today?” Ilya hadn’t told Troy about his knee, there wasn’t a reason to, but now he didn’t have the energy to hide it or try to lie.

“I have bad knee, is acting up, is fine.” Ilya said, moving slowly to take off his skates.

“Oh shit, sorry.” Troy said, “You could always coach from the bench, if you need to, or take a practice off-”

“Nyet,” Ilya argued, “Is fine, no need to worry Barret.” Ilya was insistent.

“All right, dude, but if you need to rest it just let me know, I’d rather have you all season and out a few practices than having to drop for an injury.”

“No dropping, it is good Barrett, but thank you.” Ilya said, Troy clapped him on the shoulder and made his way towards the exit before stopping and turning back.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Ilya looked up to where Troy was stopped, “A few of us who work in the stadium are getting a drink after the Detroit game, wanna join?”

Ilya was surprised at the invitation, he didn’t really have friends anymore. “Um-” Ilya stumbled.

“No pressure, if you don’t want to.” Troy quickly supplied.

“No, I will go, text me?” Ilya asked, surprising himself at accepting the invitation.

“Okay, yeah. See you then.”

Ilya made his way home that night and found the temperature even lower in his apartment. He wondered if it was even safe to sleep with it so cold, he made sure to layer up and grab extra blankets. He was drifting to sleep when he shot up, realizing he hadn’t called Shane when he got home.
Shane answered on the second ring, his voice was sleep soaked as he answered.

“Hey, Misha, I miss you.” Ilya’s chest warmed at Shane’s voice, the apartment feeling a little warmer suddenly.

Ilya kept his teeth from chattering as he responded. “Hello, Shanya, I miss you too,” Ilya said with a soft sigh, “Tell me about your day.”

Ilya was happy to let Shane go on about practice and his day, eventually Shane asked, “Tell me about practice?”

“I-It w-was.” Fuck. Ilya took a steadying breath.

“Are you okay?” Shane’s voice was full of concern.

“Da, am f-fine.” Ilya hated his inability to stop chattering. Fuck.

“You sound cold?”

“Is fine, don’t worry.”

“Ilyaaa.”

Ilya sighed, “my heat broke,” he admitted softly.

“You don’t have heat? Ilya it’s below freezing out!” Shane’s worry poured through the phone.

“I have layers on, is not that bad, I will be fine.” Ilya reassured.

“Ilya, that can’t be safe.” Shane said, voice almost shaking with worry.

“Shayna, I promise I will be okay, am Russian, this is nothing.” Ilya tried to calm his anxious boyfriend.

“You should go stay at a hotel, let me-”

“No, Shanya, no need. I will be fine, I think it will get fixed tomorrow.”

“You don’t even know when it’s getting fixed?” Shane’s voice was a new level of concern. “Ilya please don’t stay there.” Shane tried again.

“Shanya, I love you, is late, I am too tired to move and I do not want to argue, I will be fine.”

“I’m sorry, you’re probably exhausted and I’m keeping you up-”
“Shanya, I called you, remember? I wanted to talk to my beautiful boyfriend who cannot help but worry about his pitiful Russian.”

“You are not pitiful.” Shane scolded.

“Just chilly.” Ilya amended. “Go to sleep, krolik, I will talk to you tomorrow.”

“Can we stay on the phone?” Shane asked.

“Of course.” Ilya said.

“Ok, love you, good night. Grab more blankets”

“I have all the blankets, good night, Shanya, love you too.”

Ilya plugged his phone in so it wouldn’t die and allowed himself to fall asleep listening to Shane’s rhythmic breathing.

He woke up to a freezing apartment for the third day in a row to a knock at the door. He wasn’t expecting anyone, he had work later and was supposed to go out with his coworkers which he was more than nervous about. He hadn’t been able to talk to Shane much yesterday with his game and travel but was hoping he could call Shane when he got home, so he wouldn't stay out too late.

He struggled to the door, half limping, none of his usual techniques and none of the new ones from Shane had worked to help his knee, sleeping in the cold seemed to just inflame it no matter what Ilya tried.

Ilya opened the door, wrapped in his blanket and bundled in layers, and found a nervous looking Shane Hollander standing at the door.

Ilya’s mouth dropped. “Shane?” He asked, unable to believe Shane was here.

Shane was pushing inside, immediately shivering as he stepped from the warmer hallway into the cold apartment.

“Yep, nope, we aren’t doing this, pack a bag.”

“Shane-”

“We are going to a hotel,” Shane said, grabbing Ilya’s bag and moving around to pack Ilya’s necessities for a few days.

Ilya shut the door, sad to lose the hallway's warmth, and just stood there next to the door, afraid to let Shane see the limp he was devolved to. He couldn’t believe it. Shane was here. Shane was here in Boston.

There wasn’t a game. There wasn’t a shoot. There was no reason for Shane to have made this trip but for Ilya. Ilya had been adamant against letting Shane buy him a hotel room, but he wouldn’t let Shane sleep here. Shane had known Ilya would only accept the offer if Ilya was doing it for Shane’s comfort. Damn, Shane knew him too well.

Ilya watched in awe as Shane packed his bag, not missing a single thing Ilya would have packed himself and throwing Ilya’s usual work clothes in the bag, he had even catalogued which t-shirts were ‘work only’ somehow, Ilya’s chest fluttered as he stood there and watched.

Shane had made quick work packing the bag, Ilya realized that Shane hadn’t brought one in with himself.

“I have a hotel room down the street, my stuff’s already there.” Shane said, reading Ilya’s mind, somehow.

“Shanya, how are you? Why? What are you?” Ilya was at a loss.

Shane walked over, Ilya’s bag packed and wrapped his arms around the slightly shivering Russian. “I know you have work, but we had two days off and I’m not letting you freeze in here, so we are going to stay at a hotel. I called a company to come fix the heat tomorrow, since your landlord was never going to, apparently.”

“Shanya, this is too much-” Ilya tried.

“Nope, you would do it for me, none of that,” Shane said and pressed Ilya tighter against him. Ilya hugged him back and dropped a kiss to Shane’s head, he was right, Ilya would do anything to help Shane if he needed it.

Ilya struggled to allow himself to be taken care of, but he was too in awe of Shane actually being here to really continue to argue, and he was also too fucking cold. Shane left for the hotel first, taking Ilya’s bag and leaving Ilya a key card. Ilya gave him a ten minute start before leaving his key in the lock-box his landlord had left him for repair techs that he never fucking called when Ilya needed.

Ilya found the room and entered quickly, he didn’t have long before he had to go to work. He hadn’t even brushed his teeth yet, he had barely changed for the day. He was debating calling out sick and cancelling his plans for tonight, but he didn’t want to get in trouble, and it would be weird if he avoided tonight after accepting and confirming in the break room yesterday. Fuck.

Shane was sitting on the bed when Ilya came in, Ilya grabbed his bag and said he needed to get ready, racing through his routine while he tried to come up with some plan to be in two places at once.

He came out of the bathroom, still walking in a half-limp.

“Your knee is worse?” Shane said, answer redundant. He patted the bed next to him and Ilya sat.

“I have work in 30 minutes,” Ilya said.

“I know, let me work on your knee for a minute.” Shane said, brushing a soft hand up Ilya’s thigh.

Ilya leaned over and gave him a kiss. Shane kissed him back, when they pulled apart Shane reached for Ilya’s leg, strewning it across his lap. He began massaging Ilya’s knee, Ilya groaned into it. It was impossibly unfair that Shane seemed to have a magic touch when it came to Ilya’s knee, Ilya always felt better from Shane’s massages than from his own.

When Shane was done, he kept a hand rested on Ilya’s leg.

“I can’t believe you are here.” Ilya said, because he couldn’t.

“I know you have work today, but you’ll come here after? I can order us dinner and have it ready for you.”

“I-” Ilya made a choked sound, panic seizing him, he couldn’t turn down Shane.

“Unless you had plans tonight?” Shane asked, realization clearly dawning on him, “Fuck, sorry, of course you do.” Shane said, slightly retreating in on himself.

“Shane, I-”

“It’s okay, just promise you won't go sleep in your apartment after, come back here?”

“I-I was supposed to go out after work with some work people, I already confirmed I would go, but I will leave early.” Ilya rushed out.

“No, Ilya, don’t worry, have fun.” Shane said, Ilya could tell Shane had more to say but wasn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Ilya tried.

“No apologies, I ambushed you anyway.” Shane said, a forced laugh following.

Ilya pulled him in and kissed him, wanting to give whatever reassurance he could, “I will not stay long, just make an appearance and come back here, I do not want to miss out on any more time with you than I have to.” Ilya watched Shane’s face soften. Shane brought a hand up and pulled Ilya in by his jaw and kissed him deeply, fingers scratching the stubble there. Ilya moaned into the kiss, he wanted to move to straddle Shane but knew his knee couldn’t take it, instead he fixed his angle to kiss Shane better.

It was torture making himself leave the hotel room. Work felt like a million sisyphean tasks stacked together, everything he did bothered his knee and left him wanting to just leave. He really didn’t want to go out tonight, but he felt like he had to, especially after Troy had told him he was excited to have Ilya join them tonight. Fucking hell.

Ilya was quick to the bar after work, he was one of the later people to leave so he arrived to find Troy already there, he recognized two other people from the facilities team in the group, a few security people, and then some people he couldn’t recognize who he assumed worked in the offices. He went to the bar, ordered a vodka, and found his way to Troy.

“Roz!” Troy called as Ilya approached. “Glad you could make it!” Troy had been here for probably about 30 minutes, his cheeks were already a bit flushed and he looked a little looser than Ilya had seen him before.

“Barret, having fun already?” Ilya teased, coming to stand by him.

“Yes! Harris got us shots, have you met Harris?” Troy asked. Ilya shook his head and Tory was quick to point out Harris, “He’s on the social media team, he just started working with the team this year.” Ilya’s eyes followed where Tory was pointing, finding a man standing at the bar, he was dressed a bit more formal than the facilities or security people were, and Ilya was quick to clock his rainbow pin on his lapel.

Harris came over, holding two beers and passed one to Barrett, Barrett took it and began throwing it back. Ilya was surprised to see Barrett letting loose, he had always seemed a bit straight-laced. Ilya knew he was putting himself through school, had work, and still managed to volunteer somehow for the team; it took someone serious to be able to balance Troy’s schedule. Ilya didn’t know how he did it, he couldn’t imagine trying to balance university on top of everything else, not like he could even get in.

Harris offered a hand to Ilya, “I’ve seen you around but I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Harris.” Harris had a kind face, his eyes were bright as he spoke. Ilya shook his hand and introduced himself.

“Troy says you're a coach for his littles team?”

“Da. Is fun, kids will win their cup.” Ilya spoke casually.

Harris laughed and looked at Troy, “You were right, he is overly confident.”

Troy squealed in protest, “Ah- That was before we actually started coaching, now I think he’s right!” Troy was quick to say, his voice a little too loud from the alcohol.
Ilya was happy to listen to the conversation as it flowed around him, he chimed in when he could, he made sure to weave through the group and have short conversations with most of the people, he hadn’t been social in ages and it felt nice to mingle and talk to people. He carried the swagger he used to always have with him as he moved through the group.

He made his way back to Troy and Harris, he noted how close they were standing, the blush that was definitely not all from the alcohol that was spreading across Troy’s face as Harris said something and laughed. Interesting.

Ilya got closer, “Barrett, I am going to head out,” he gestured to his knee, knowing Barret knew it gave him problems and happy for once to actually use it as an excuse, “I am tired, I will see you at work?”

“Yeah man, see you!” Troy said, eyes barely leaving Harris as he spoke.

“Good to meet you, Ilya!” Harris called after Ilya.

Ilya waved and quickly found his way back to the hotel, it was barely 10 but still a bit late, fuck. He was thankful he had tomorrow off, he hoped Shane could stay another day, realizing he didn’t know how long he had left with Shane before he had to leave.

Shane was sprawled out on the bed, in a white t-shirt and his briefs with his glasses on watching the home channel on the tv in the background, a hockey book in his lap. His whole face lit up as Ilya stepped into the room.

“Let me shower, I will be so fast!” Ilya called, feeling gross from work and the bar and wanting to be clean for Shane. He showered quickly and came out in only a towel, glad to shower somewhere he wasn’t risking getting hypothermia by doing so.

He almost went for his bag as he came out of the bathroom, but instead hung his towel on an available hook and stood at the end of the bed watching Shane’s eyes rake down his body slowly. Shane licked his bottom lip. He was wearing his glasses. Fuck, Ilya loved those glasses.

Ilya sauntered to the bed, taking his time. Shane stripped off his shirt, throwing it to the chair in the corner in a very un-Shane-like motion that surprised Ilya and sent a thrill down his spine at how eager Shane was. Shane was quick to follow with his briefs and then brought a hand up to his glasses.

“Nyet, glasses on.” Ilya commanded.

Shane blushed and fixed his glasses, keeping them on.

Ilya moved onto the bed, careful to keep his weight on his good knee as he moved to hover over Shane. He pressed a kiss to Shane’s neck, then another and another and began trailing kisses down Shane’s torso. Shane hummed in response, Ilya moved down him and found himself eye level with Shane’s cock, he gave it a teasing glance and then moved back up the bed, Shane made a little sound of protest but moved to kiss Ilya again as Ilya leaned in.

Shane kissed him hard, running his hands through Ilya’s hair and then down his back, scratching him slightly. Ilya shuddered in delight at the feeling of Shane’s nails down his back. He pulled back and took in Shane’s swollen lips, his eyes darkened in his lust and love for Ilya, his face so wanting. The sight of him like this, so lost for Ilya was almost enough, it was always almost enough.

“What do you want, krolik?” Ilya asked, voice low,

“You.” Shane exhaled deeply. I just need you.” Shane said through deep breaths.

“You have me.” Ilya said. Suddenly Shane was taking control, switching them so Ilya was laying on his back.

“Let me,” Shane said, moving slowly on top of Ilya. Ilya watched as Shane reached around and suddenly was slowing, tantalizingly slowly, pulling out a plug.

“So eager, like always, so ready for me.” Ilya said, having a hard time finding his voice as his need for Shane overrode all of his senses.

“Only for you,” Shane said, a little breathy.

Ilya reached up to pull Shane into a kiss, Shane rolled on him as they did and then pulled back. He took Ilya’s cock in his hand, precum already leaking. He moved his fingers down slowly, playing with Ilya. Ilya moaned as Shane’s feather light touch moved down him, warmth spreading through his core. Shane was quick to position himself but was slow, so slow as he sank down on Ilya. Ilya moaned into the teasing sensation of Shane’s torturously slow movements.

Shane pressed kisses to Ilya's chest, his neck, moving his hips slowly as he did but picking up pace gradually. Ilya allowed himself to get lost in the feeling of Shane around him, the weight anchoring him to the bed. With every movement Shane made, Ilya felt lighter, he was glad to be trapped under Shane otherwise he may float away on the pleasure Shane was causing.

“Please.” Ilya begged, feeling his orgasm rising within him, begging Shane to let him have it.

“You want it?” Shane asked, Ilya loved seeing the confidence Shane had as he rode Ilya, it was unbelievably hot.

Ilya couldn’t find his words, he made a sound and nodded, barely able to move his neck as Shane brought him closer and closer to the edge with each sinful roll of his hips. God, how had he learned to move like this?

Ilya’s breathing increased, he felt those stars rise in him and hear himself call out as he finally came into Shane. He felt Shane come on his chest shortly after. Shane stayed on top of Ilya for a moment before slowly moving off Ilya and going to the bathroom, cleaning himself off and then cleaning off Ilya. Ilya was entirely unable to move, too blissed out to even attempt as Shane cleaned him, only able to hum a thank you.

Shane came back and wrapped himself around Ilya, his touch giving Ilya enough energy to move to wrap his arms around Shane, pressing a soft kiss to those perfect lips.

“I love you.” Ilya said softly.

“I love you too,” Shane said.

Ilya drifted off quickly, happy to be warm and safe in Shane’s arms.

Ilya woke up first the next morning, a bit disoriented to be in a hotel room until he took in the sleeping Shane at his side and remembered. Shane had come to Boston to get Ilya out of his apartment. He had people coming to fix Ilya’s heat because he’d been worried. The small voice that existed in the back of his head that told him Shane would snap out of it and leave was quieted even further.

Shane did love him, he had flown down here and done all of this for Ilya. Ilya’s heart clenched as he realized how much Shane did love him. He blinked away the burning in his eyes and slowly moved, careful not to wake Shane, to hold him.

A while later, Shane finally stirred against him. Ilya pressed a kiss to Shane’s hair.

“Good morning.” Ilya said softly, voice still rough and accent heavy.

“Good morning,” Shane replied just as softly.

“You’re here.” Ilya said, because he still couldn’t believe it.

Shane turned to face him. “I’m here.” He said. Ilya wanted to kiss him but knew the rule. He wasn't quite ready to move.

“How long?” Ilya asked, dreading the answer.

“I fly out early tomorrow, I’ll barely make practice but it should be alright.” Shane admitted.

“Shane-”

“Nope. It was worth it. I missed you too much.” Shane said. Ilya’s chest bloomed.

“I missed you too.”

They were slow to get up, Shane ordering them room service and they broke Shane’s ‘no food in the bed’ rule. They ate and got ready, Ilya wasn’t sure how they should spend the day, if Shane would want to just stay here all day. That was probably safer, he would definitely get recognized if they tried to go somewhere touristy or just to a restaurant.

Ilya’s phone started ringing and he answered.

“Ilyushka, where are you? I come to your place and there's your little box on the door and you are gone? Is everything okay?” Sveta’s voice rang through the phone.

Shane glanced over, and then looked down at the bedding like he was inspecting the thread count.

“I am okay, I am staying with-” Ilya hadn’t told her still. Sveta had been too busy and they hadn’t gotten together since before Shane gave his permission. Ilya looked at Shane, they shared a quick silent conversation and Shane nodded.

“I am staying with my boyfriend, Shane.”

“Shane? Shane! You finally gave me a name! Ilyushka I am starting to think maybe this Canadian boyfriend is real after all!” Ilya rolled his eyes at that, he could see Shane try to hold back a laugh. They shared another silent conversation, Ilya loved that they could do this.

“Do you want to meet him?” Ilya asked, after getting confirmation from Shane. Shane grinned up at him.

“Really? Meet him?” Sveta asked, clearly shocked.

“Da. We could come to yours?” Ilya asked.

“Yes, come to mine! Text me when you are on your way, I can’t wait, Ilyushka!”

“Ilyushka?” Shane asked.

“Is nickname, you have not been following your lessons closely, Shanya.” Ilya said in a teasing tone. They were quick to get ready and left for Sveta’s. Shane had rented a car, apparently, so they took that. They left from the hotel’s basement parking garage, Ilya was glad for that bit of privacy. They got to Sveta’s building. Shane parked in the underground lot at Sveta’s building and they were quick to head up to Sveta’s apartment.

Ilya got more nervous throughout the whole trip and was practically vibrating as they made their way down the hall to Sveta’s door. Shane grabbed his arm and paused them.

“Are you okay?” He asked softly.

Ilya nodded, “I am nervous, I want you to like each other.”

“I’m sure we will. We already have one thing in common.”

Ilya raised his brows at that in question.

“We both love you,” Shane explained. “Well, and you said she likes hockey, right? So we have that, too. I guess.” That made Ilya laugh.

“Okay, we can do this.” Ilya said, more to himself, and made his way to Sveta’s door. Normally, he would just walk in if she was expecting him but that felt weird to do with Shane, so he knocked. He didn’t know if he had ever knocked on this door before, the whole thing felt foreign, like he had never done it before.

It took a few moments but then Sveta was opening the door, “You knocked, since when do you- Holy fuck Ilya that is Shane Hollander.” Sveta’s mouth dropped.

“Um, hi.” Shane said, quietly.

“Are you going to let us in, Sveta? Or stare at my boyfriend all day?” Ilya asked, tone teasing and ran a hand down Shane’s arm until their hands were entwined.

Sveta gestured them inside, they came in and she led them towards her kitchen island. Shane couldn’t help but notice her apartment was in a nicer building with high ceilings and tall windows letting you take in the city around you. Ilya pulled out a stool for Shane and he sat, Ilya settled behind him, hands on Shane’s shoulders, grounding him.

“So, this is the mystery boyfriend you have been sneaking off to?” Sveta said, voice still teasing but her stare had leveled on Shane.

“Be nice, Sveta.” Ilya warned. “Do not scare off my sweet little Canadian.”

“I will be! It is very nice to meet you, Shane, you are having an interesting season.”

“Sveta…” Ilya started but Shane just laughed and said, “It has been, I think we’re still good for playoffs though.”
“Hm. We will see, I think it could be New York’s year.” Sveta said and suddenly Ilya was watching the two people he loved most fall into an easy argument over player stats and different teams chances.

“I’m just saying, Hunter is having a really good season,” Sveta was saying.

“I don’t deny that, he’s definitely going to be tough to beat in our next game in New York.”

“Do you like playing there?” Sveta asked.

“Yeah, it's a good city, fans are decent.” Shane answered very diplomatically.

“I think Ilya would like New York, he would never let me take him when I visited.” Sveta said, shooting a glare at Ilya.

Shane turned to look up at him, “You haven’t been?” He asked softly.

Ilya shook his head. Shane brought a hand up to cover one of Ilya’s, “I think you’d like it.”

“And it is so close, only two hours by train.” Sveta commented, Ilya wasn’t sure where this was going, obviously it's not like Shane can invite him to the New York game.

Sveta opened her fridge and got out some wine and began pouring two glasses, she offered one to Ilya and then looked at Shane. “Would you like a glass? Or I could get you something else?”

Ilya was surprised to hear Shane say, “I’ll have a glass, thank you.” Maybe he was more nervous than Ilya had realized, the hockey conversation had been a good start, maybe they could keep on that vein.

“Ilya told me you gave him new skates for Christmas, he said it has been helping with his coaching.” Sveta said, making Ilya blush.

“It is?” Shane asked up at Ilya. Ilya pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “Da. It has, thank you again.”

“I’m glad, are you showing off now?” Shane teased.

“Da, a little.” Ilya said, eyes dancing a bit.

“I was surprised he started doing it, the coaching, I think you inspired him.” Sveta said, leveling a look at Shane.

“I don’t know about that, but I’m glad he’s doing it, I think it makes him happy, right?” Shane asked, looking up at Ilya. Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane, “Da, it does.”

“Has Ilya shown you any of the pictures from when he played?”

“You have pictures?” Shane asked him, eyebrows raised.

“Sveta…” Ilya complained.

“No! You have to show Shane! Go get my photo book from my closet.”

“Fine,” Ilya said and moved towards Sveta’s room.

When he was gone, Sveta leveled a glare at Shane.

“What are your intentions with him?”

Well, shit, okay, that kind of came out of nowhere, Shane thought.

“Um, I, uh,” Shane stammered.

“He loves you. I have not ever seen Ilya like this with anyone. He does not let people in, not anymore. So tell me what you want with him.”

“I- I love him, I just want to be with him.” Shane was still stammering, fuck.

“Have you thought about what that means? Ilya cannot live in hiding forever, he does not deserve that.” Sveta said, bluntly.

“Hockey isn’t-” Shane wasn’t sure why he had to defend this to her, she had to understand from Ilya, right? “You know what the hockey world is like. Hockey doesn’t have any out players, I can’t just-”

“You could. It would be hard, but you are the best player in the league, you would still play.” Like she knew what Shane was thinking, Ilya couldn't anymore because of this same reason, but this wasn’t Russia, and that wouldn’t happen to Shane. “Someone has to be first. I am not saying it has to be now or even soon or anything, but you cannot plan to keep him a secret until you retire, you are planning to have a long career right?” Sveta continued.

Shane nodded. He hated how she said the word secret, Ilya wasn’t some dirty little secret, he was Shane’s boyfriend who Shane loved and was admittedly scared to be out with yet, but he was working on it. Wasn’t he? He was here, meeting Svetlana? This was a huge step, clearly she didn’t think so, but it was. He was making progress.

“And he cannot stay someone’s secret for years.”

“I know that.”

“Good. Do you have a plan?”

“I’m working on it,” Shane said defensively, desperate for Ilya to come back. “I’m not ready to be out, but I’m ready for us to let people we trust in.” Shane finished, hoping to make her realize this was part of that plan.

“You better, he deserves more than what life has dealt him. He deserves someone to love him fully.” She said, tone serious. Shane knew that, he thought so too, didn’t she see that?

“I know, he deserves everything.” Shane said, hoping she could see how much she meant it.

“He does.” She gave him an appraising look, Shane hoped he saw how much he loved Ilya, how committed he was.

Thankfully, Ilya was coming back into the room.

“You have the photos? Bring them over!” Sveta called to him and Shane was so unbelievably thankful to be done with this grilling session.

Shane happily went through the photos with them, taking in little Ilya and picturing what he might have been like on the ice. He could see Ilya tense slightly at the ones of him playing hockey, Shane brushed a comforting hand over Ilya’s arm as they went through the photos. Ilya looked especially tense as he looked older in the photos and was wearing more professional gear. He passed over the last few quickly, Shane taking in the face he met in Regina as much as he could in Ilya’s brief flips. Sveta went on about his play style and recalled memories for some of the non-hockey photos, it was nice hearing about younger Ilya. Shane did his best to focus on the photos and memories Sveta was recalling and tried to push the conversation he had just had to the back of his mind, he could spiral about that later.

They made their way out of Sveta’s apartment and back to Ilya’s an hour later, the energy with Svetlana had returned to what it was at the start when Ilya was back in the room, but Shane didn’t miss the slight glare she gave him as he left.

It didn’t seem like she hated him, she just wanted better for Ilya, Shane just wished she could see how badly Shane wanted it too. Hopefully with time she would, with time Shane could get the fuck over himself and just be with Ilya out and openly like Ilya deserves.

She was right, he would probably still play. Rose had said it too, Shane wouldn’t have to lose hockey. He might lose the Metros, but he wouldn’t lose hockey. Honestly, did he even want the Metros anymore?

Things had been better thanks to Ilya’s chirping lessons, the team was working together again but it was still tense, it was like they were playing well just to prove they still could. There wasn’t any joy in the game, and maybe there hadn’t been for a while? Being with the Metros was all about perfection, it was following strict fitness regimes and diets and recommended sleep schedules for efficiency. Shane hated having to worry about extra workouts when he let Ilya cook, he hated the nutritionist’s voice that would ring through his head on the rare occasions Ilya cooked things off Shane’s diet plan. Shane hated that Ilya had learned the diet plan, that Shane was so strict with it that now Ilya is semi-following it with Shane even though Shane knows Ilya doesn’t love the food, he does a good job pretending to though.

Being with the Metros meant having to put up with asshole teammates who loved to throw slurs around. Shane had totally given up on changing them, he was getting better behavior from them, but it was begrudgingly earned and wouldn’t happen without Ilya’s advice with them.

Maybe he needed a better team? Maybe he wouldn’t retire with the metros? That was a scary thought. That was his goal, his life plan, more than anything he always wanted to win 7 cups with the Metros before retiring with his jersey in the rafters and his number in the hall of fame. Yet here he is driving in Boston with his boyfriend and the question is rattling in his head, what if he was traded to a closer team? What if he found a team he felt safer in?

They went back to the hotel and Shane checked his messages, Ilya’s heat should be fixed so they went to Ilya’s. Shane was glad they had actually fixed the heat, and now he could leave tomorrow not worried about Ilya’s toes freezing off.

They made it back to Ilya’s and Ilya was quick to pull them into the shower, after he led Shane over to his couch and sat him down.

“Let me make something,” Ilya said and started pulling ingredients out of the fridge. Shane admired the view as Ilya bent down and grabbed a pot from one of the bottom cabinets. Ilya looked over and clocked Shane checking him out, “Enjoying view, Hollander?” He said with a laugh.

Shane just licked lips in response. Ilya groaned, “You make me want to be very bad and irresponsible boyfriend, making you go unfed so I can fuck you so hard you feel me all the way back to Montreal.”

Shane hummed, “I wouldn’t complain.”

Ilya sauntered over and leaned down, pulling Shane’s jaw up and bringing him into a deep kiss. He pulled back and passed his remote to Shane. “Put something on you can stop eye fucking me and distracting me.”

Shane begrudgingly put on the home channel but refused to pay it any attention, instead enjoying watching Ilya cook for him. Salmon, brown rice, and spinach. Almost directly from his diet plan, which was healthy but Shane knew Ilya would probably make something different if he didn’t have to consider Shane’s diet. Shane’s gut twisted with guilt. He turned and actually tried to focus on the houses the couple was touring on tv and not on the diet-approved dinner his boyfriend was making for him.

Ilya brought their plates over and Shane enjoyed his dinner enjoying Ilya’s warmth seeping into him where they were pressed up against each other on the couch.

Ilya watched as Shane eat his food in slow, precise movements, the way he did when he was anxious. Ilya set his own finished plate down and put a hand in Shane’s leg.

“Shanya, what is so loud in that beautiful head?”

“I-” He started, mouth opening and closing for a moment before he said softly. “It’s nothing I’m fine.”

“No it isn’t Shanya, tell me, please.” Ilya spoke softly, running soothing motions down Shane’s thigh.

“I just feel like Svetlana didn’t like me.” Shane said in an almost whisper, eyes locked on the food he was now pushing around on his plate.

“Shanya, she loved you. You showed you baby pictures, she has never done this before. Also she finally has someone to talk hockey with, I thought it went well, no?”

“It did, I guess, I just-” Shane couldn’t tell him, couldn’t tell him what Svetlana had said when they were alone.

“I just want you to know that I’m really glad we told her. I want to keep doing that. I want to keep letting people in. I don’t want you to feel like I’m hiding you, I want to work on coming out. I do. You mean so much to me and you deserve to live a full life out in the open and I want that to be with me so so badly, Ilya. I love you, I want everything with you.”

Ilya’s heart was hammering in his chest, his face was flushed as he looked at Shane in awe. Shane had turned and those brown eyes, so intense with emotion looked into Ilya’s. Ilya leaned in a pressed a small kiss to the mouth that had pulled itself tight.

“I love you so much, Shanya. I want that too.” Ilya said as he pulled back.

“I hope you know today was just the first step, I want to do more, I want everyone to know you’re mine one day.” Shane spoke seriously, he knew he was ready to start coming out for real. He was ready to make a plan.

“I want that too,” Ilya said softly before pulling Shane into another kiss before leading him to the bed, Shane’s plate abandoned for now.

It was hard to leave Ilya the next morning, like always, but they had Ilya’s visit next week, so it wouldn’t be too long before they saw each other. Ilya woke up early to make Shane breakfast and kissed him until he absolutely had to leave. Shane hated leaving, and hated going back to Montreal. He found himself online reading about other teams as he flew home, looking into what their locker rooms were supposedly like, finding out more about players.

Chapter End Notes

Yes a series of very unfortunate events befell me and while I did also get a new job (it’s like woo job but fucking grueling long hours) my laptop broke and my iPad has become too old to update any apps lmaooo so this being said writting this fic will now have to take place literally through my phone so it will prob be a lil messier just as a heads up lmao sorry but like trust I’d rather have my fucking laptop back :)

also that being said update will be a lil more sporadic until laptop problem is resolved probably :)) need these hoes to actually tip at work so I can get a new laptop

Really liked the lil moments in this chapter- next one is started and I hope to update next week :))

Chapter 12: Advantage pt 1

Chapter Notes

Hiiii I’m back!! Hope yall enjoy!! Reminder my laptop is dead to us so editing was rougher :)

Ilya visited Shane last week, everything had been perfect, as usual, but too brief and their schedules hadn’t allowed them to make another plan to visit. Shane hadn’t been able to stop thinking about a comment Svetalana made, about how Ilya had never been to New York. Shane had a game there in a few days, he knew Ilya would be off that day, maybe Ilya could come?

It wasn’t like his team would recognize him in the stands? Ilya never actually went to Raiders games because he was always working them and had grown a small hatred for the team. Ilya could come to a game, he could watch Shane play. Shane could get them a hotel room, he could meet Ilya there after the game and they could have the night together. It wouldn’t be too much time but Shane would love any amount of time he could get with Ilya. He only wished he could show Ilya around New York, aside from being scared to be seen in public together still, there wouldn’t be enough time but Ilya could see the city some before the game if he wanted to, Shane would make some recommendations.

Suddenly Shane had two train tickets booked to get Ilya to and from New York and a nice suite booked for them a hotel that boasted a really good restaurant and late night food-service. He checked the time, Ilya should just be getting out of his practice, perfect.

Ilya answered on the first ring, voice bright, “Hello, Shanya, how was your day.”

“Good. You’re off Thursday, right?” Shane rushed out excitedly.

“Da, I am, and I work late afternoon/evening Friday, why?” Ilya asked, he had an idea but, there was no way.

“Okay so I did something crazy, maybe, and you can totally not, but I was thinking you could come to the New York game. I already got train tickets and booked a room for us and-”

“Woah slow down, wait,” Ilya said, trying to understand Shane through the rush of English being spewed into Ilya’s brain, he took a beat to translate. “You want me to come to a game?”

“Yes, the New York game on Thursday.” Shane said, voice a bit sheepish now, “I should have asked before I booked anything but I got excited and I just thought-”

Ilya cut him off, “Da. I will come to game, send me details for whatever you have done. You were talking too fast, you said train?”

“Sorry, yes train tickets and I got us a hotel but it's under your name so you can check in without me.”

“Nyet, is okay, this is good plan, I am excited to see you play, solynyshko. Will be nice to see the goals you score for me in person.”

“I’m excited for you to come.”

Thursday took too long to arrive, Shane found himself searching the stands as he went through warmups for Ilya, it didn’t take long to find him in the seat Shane had gotten him. Shane had never actually had to buy a ticket before, he usually just got some from the team, but it was an experience dealing with the ticketing sites, one he was glad he hadn’t had to deal with before.

Ilya was sitting a few rows up, but close enough that Shane could see his face easily, and close enough to tell he was wearing a blue jersey with a number 24 in a sea of red, Shane had bought him seats in what is supposed to be the away section, but clearly there was no true away section with New York.

Shane was playing one of the best games of his life, he looked to Ilya after each goal he scored and each assist he made and found Ilya beaming and cheering for him. It gave him a giddy energy he poured into the game.

“You’re in a good mood tonight, rook.” Scott said as they leaned in for the faceoff.

“Yeah, it's a good night.” Shane said as the puck dropped and raced away.

There was a bit of a fight between Comeau and one of the New York defenders in the third period, Scott skated over as the refs broke everything apart.

“Some team you have there,” He said, giving a glare to Comeau across the ice.

“Tell me about it,” Shane grumbled, annoyed at the fight Comeau had started for basically no reason.

Scott looked at him and Shane wondered if he could see it, how unhappy Shane was with Montreal, how sick he was of the way they acted on and off the ice. Scott made a face Shane couldn’t decipher before skating off.

At the end of another scuffle, Scott skated near Shane who was telling off the rookie who had just been overly aggrieved with one of the admirals defenseman and was lucky to not walk away with a game misconduct.

“You ever get tired of wrangling those meatheads, Hollander?” Scott said as he skated by, the refs had a called a brief timeout to dole out punishments for the fight.

“Starting to.” Shane said honestly. He probably shouldn’t have, but no one but Scott was around to hear and he tried to keep his mouth from moving too much in case those damn lip readers online caught him in the broadcast.

Scott scrunched his brows together and his lips drew into a thin line. “Seriously?” He asked, tone suddenly very serious.

“I’m seriously thinking about it.” Shane admitted, watching the Montreal rookie get escorted to the penalty box for a ridiculously unnecessary penalty.

“Maybe we should talk after the game.” Scott said before skating away again.

Shane managed to keep it a good night, for the most part, he found Ilya’s face in the crowd every time one of his teammates said something that made his skin crawl or when it felt like they purposely dropped the defense on Shane. Shane ended up with more bruises than he should have but won the game 5-2, with three goals and an assist, he had played with a new fire lit under him with Ilya watching him in the crowd.

After walking out of the team lockers, he headed for the stadium exit the players usually used and found Scott there waiting for him.

Scott did a little jog over to Shane as he walked through the doors into the stadium parking lot, and Shane slowed to let him catch up.

“Hey rook, I wanted to talk for a second, off the record.”

Shane looked around at the empty parking lot and took a few steps to the side, hiding in an alcove from plain view.

“What about?” Shane asked as he made sure no one was around to see or hear, off the record clearly meant this was something no one else needed to know about.

“I’ve been talking to our coach here a lot this year,” Scott drew in a heavy breath before continuing, Shane sat in suspense in it for a moment before Scott continued, “and I’m looking to move to the second line next year, or at least split some of my time on the first.” Holy shit Shane thought as Scott spoke, realizing why Scott was telling him this. “I’m playing too many shifts out there for my knees, don’t tell the guys but I am starting to feel a little old out there. I need someone to help me carry the admirals, and I think you could be a perfect fit.”

Holy shit holy shit holy shit. Shane took a steadying breath. This was insane. Scott really shouldn’t be telling Shane this, as the current competition but he was. He was opening a door to New York for Shane.

Suddenly leaving Montreal became real. Giving up the goal and the dreams he had harbored since he was a kid. The 7 cups and banners hung in the stadium, his jersey being memorialized in the ceiling. All of that would be gone and over for real. Shane’s heart hammered in his chest. This was too fucking big for now. He took a beat to steady his voice.

“Have them talk to my agent and team, I would be interested in a change.” Shane heard the words leaving his mouth and went to give Scott a handshake, which Scott met with enthusiasm.

“Yeah I’ll have our team reach out to your people, with you the admirals could be unstoppable next season.”

Scott checked before ducking back into sight and left Shane standing in the little alcove heart pounding out of his chest with the insane offer he was just given.

Play for New York. Take over Scott’s position, the man he had posters of on his wall in highschool, take that man’s position. Play in New York. Play only two hours from Boston. Play two hours from Ilya. Fuck. He wanted to be closer to Ilya, two hours and they could spend more weekends and more nights together, and more time in general.

New York had always had a reputation in the league for being one of the most progressive teams in the sport, always going full out for pride events and things like that so if there was a team to be gay on, New York was probably the safest bet.

Fuck this could be real, Shane could really make this happen. He could change teams, come out, and be with Ilya. It could all be real. He could have everything and in return give everything to Ilya, everything Ilya deserves.

They could be in love, out and open and everyone would know Ilya was Shane’s and Shane was Ilya’s. Ilya could maybe even move in with Shane and find a job in New York. Moving to New York would be a lot easier than trying to get him in Canada, especially since he’s already a US citizen and the Canadian citizenship process takes years.

It would be a lot of change, and Shane hated change but all of it felt like good change. He wanted more days with Ilya. He wanted to be able to spend every day waking up next to Ilya and this could be the first step in getting there. He had to figure out how to make this real.

Shane decided as he made his way to the team hotel to keep the New York idea to himself, for now, if it didn’t work out he didn’t want to disappoint Ilya. Also Shane wasn’t sure Ilya had even liked the city, what if he hated New York and never wanted to step foot in it again? Yeah that was unlikely but, still. He went to check in and pretended to go to his room, texting Hayden not to wait up and heading out. He knew he would probably have to make something up about where he was and why he hadn’t stayed with the team but he wasn’t going to worry about that right now, right now he had Ilya to see.

He knocked on the hotel room door and Ilya answered, his curls a bit damp and a soft Metros t-shirt he had stolen from Shane on, his face was spread into a wide grin and Shane’s whole chest lit up as Ilya pulled him into his arms and started peppering kisses all over Shane.

“You play so beautifully, Shanya, it was so hard to not jump the glass and kiss you.” Ilya said between kisses, moving them inside the room.

“You liked it?” Shane asked, feeling his cheek heat under all of Ilya’s affection.

“I loved it, I loved seeing you play, Shanya, was so much better in person.” Ilya said, pulling Shane’s face to look up at his own and then pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “You were so hot out there, Shanya, you play in a league of your own.”

Shane could feel his ears burning now, he reached a hand up and pulled Ilya in for a kiss. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“Not liked, loved.” Ilya corrected, making Shane let out a soft laugh.

“Do you want shower or food first?” Ilya asked, putting Shane’s bag on the little luggage rack he had ready for it.

“You.” Shane answered, tugging Ilya’s close to the bed and reaching for the hem of his shirt.

“Good choice, Shanya.” Ilya said, slipping out of his clothes and leaving them in a pile on the chair, he took Shane’s off and folded them before setting them down on the chair. Shane leaned back on the bed moving up against the headboard, his eyes wanting as they tracked Ilya as he made his way back to the bed.

“How’s your knee?” Shane asked as Ilya moved to straddle Shane.

“Good, better with you under it.” Ilya said as he began kissing his way up Shane’s neck, licking his jaw and using a finger to pull Shane’s mouth to his. Ilya moved to open Shane up. Shane shivered as Ilya’s finger went deeper and deeper in him, gasping out as Ilya added a second and then third finger. Shane whined when Ilya’s fingers were pulled out, Ilya gave a soft chuckle and pressed a kiss to Shane’s jaw.

“I thought you wanted me, Shanya.” His voice was rough, accent heavier.

“Yes, please Ilya, want you so bad.” Shane said through heavy breaths.

Ilya lined himself up and rolled himself slowly into Shane, Shane’s senses narrowed to the feeling of Ilya filling him, going deeper with each roll of his hips. Shane’s nerves lit from within and it didn’t take long before he was rising over the edge, Ilya coming with him.

Ilya cleaned them up and pulled the room service menu over, passing it to Shane.

“You need to eat, Shanya.”

They went through the menu and Ilya called their order down. When the knock came to the door, Shane raced to hide in the bathroom as Ilya opened the door and pulled their cart inside. Shane stepped out looking sheepish once he was sure the door was shut and Ilya just laughed softly at him and held out a hand. Shane took it and Ilya led him to the small couch he had pulled the cart in front of. He reached for the remote and passed it to Shane, Shane passed it back and Ilya took it and put on the post-game commentary. Shane’s chest warmed, happy to watch highlights from the game and talk about it with Ilya. Ilya asked about different player’s moods, how different plays went down and Shane was happy to answer all of his questions.

When they finished, Ilya covered all of their empty dishes with the cloche, left them outside the door, and brought Shane to bed. He curled himself around Shane, making himself the big spoon which he knew Shane loved. Shane leaned back into him, every inch of Shane’s back glued to Ilya’s chest.

“I missed you” Shane said softly.

“Me too.” Ilya said, voice almost a whisper.

“Did you like New York? Did you do anything fun before the game?” Shane asked, Ilya could hear his voice getting lower as he relaxed into Ilya.

“Da. I went to that restaurant you recommended and walked across the Brooklyn bridge, it was nice. I like the city, is like Boston but feels a bit more alive, somehow, I don’t know…” Ilya trailed off.

“I’m glad you like it, and you had fun?” Ilya loved how sleepy Shane’s voice was getting.

“Da. I had fun, thank you for having me come for game.” Ilya’s voice was soft and shy as he thanked Shane.

“Of course, I’ve been wanting to have you come to one, and now I got to see you more.” Shane’s words were becoming a bit slurred, but he was determined to talk to Ilya.

“You can fall asleep, Shanya,” Ilya said.

“I’m not ready yet, I’m not ready for it to be tomorrow.” Shane punctuated with a yawn.

Ilya held him closer, feeling his chest tighten at the thought of having to part ways in the morning, “Me neither.” Ilya whispered and pressed a kiss to Shane’s neck.

Shane eventually let himself fall asleep after asking Ilya more about his day, hearing Ilya’s stories of the people and things he saw while in the city. In Shane’s dreams he was playing in New York, Ilya in the crowd, when the game ended Ilya took Shane back to some lavish apartment and fucked him against the glass windows. Shane woke up with a smile on his face and his dick already hard. Ilya had apparently noticed and was raking a hand slowly down Shane’s body before taking his dick and working Shane until he saw stars when he came. God, he loved Ilya.

Ilya led Shane to the bathroom where they brushed their teeth and Shane pulled Ilya into the shower where he could return the favor. They stepped out and dressed slowly, talking about their plans for the day and the week, both wanting to drag out the exit as long as they could.

Before Ilya could leave Shane pulled him into a deep, final kiss, and whispered “I love you,” as he pulled back. “I love you too, I will see you soon, Shanya.” Ilya said and pulled back, he kept his eyes locked on Shane’s the entire time he stepped out the door.

Ilya made his way back to Boston, replaying his time in New York in his head. He loved the city. The restaurant Shane sent him was amazing and he stopped in and got a drink at a gay bar he found as he made his way to the bridge, he had a good conversation and a good drink from the bartender. Ilya loved the energy of the city, it was electrifying to walk through. He wanted to come back, see some shows, go to the clubs, or just do more of the touristy things.

Boston felt a bit colder when he got back to it, even though it was probably the same temperature. He made his way to his apartment to drop off his bag and made it to the arena just in time for work. He texted Shane before he put his phone away.

Lily: I miss you already, at work, call me later?

Shane was almost late back to the team hotel after leaving Ilya, Hayden smirked at him the entire time they loaded onto the bus to the airport.

They were escorted to their plane like usual, and Shane could admit their guide was a bit over excited. As they loaded the plane he tried to tune out Comeau’s ongoing commentary about how the guide was hitting on him. Shane had to work hard to push away the slurs Comeau spoke so casually but so aggressively, you knew he meant them with true hate. Shane worked to avoid Comeau, and Hayden hoping to avoid any further questioning.

God he needed out of Montreal, he thought as Comeau continued to spout absolutely horrific and unwarranted shit as they made their way to their cars. He was not fucking safe here, he needed out.

Shane tried to keep to himself as they moved to their cars but Hayden followed him close. He waited until they were at Shane’s car before saying anything.

“Jackie wanted to know if you wanted to come by tonight?” Hayden asked, tone too casual.

“Is that so you can team up to grill me about New York?” Shane asked, knowing that is was coming.

“Nah, we won’t even ask about your sudden and mysterious disappearance if you don’t want to talk about it.” Hayden said, clapping Shane on the shoulder, “Or at least, I promise not to.” Shane groaned but agreed to come to dinner.

They were about halfway through eating, Jackie had fed the kids earlier and they were playing in the living room, before the questioning began.

“Soooo,” Jackie drawled out, Hayden gave her a glance but she kept going, “Hayden says you didn’t come back to the hotel in Ney York.”

“Jackie-” Hayden tried but Shane decided to just be honest.

“I was with someone.” Shane said, a bit exasperated. He was sick of the questioning, he would tell them when he was ready.

It was stupid, sort of, Shane knew Hayden probably wouldn’t care about him being gay. Probably. However he might care about who Ilya is and where he works, Shane didn’t want to be accused of trading insider tips or some shit by his best friend, even though it’s not like Ilya could even trade him with anything more than the practice schedule.

“The same someone you’ve been seeing?” Jackie asked.

“Yes.” Shane answered, voice tight.

“Jackie, he doesn’t want to-” Hayden tried again. Shane appreciated the effort but clearly Jackie’s curiousity was growing too big.

“Sorry! This is just not like Shane and it’s been such a long time now, so things are going good?” Jackie asked, voice light.

“Things are going very good.” The answer came easy, because it was. Shane had a perfect boyfriend and now he had a plan to escape Montreal, he had a plan for coming out. He would do it after the trade. He would work out his trade with his agent, who he had a plan to talk to tomorrow, then come out once he was already secured in New York. Sure, New York might just try to trade him to somewhere else but he would build in protection the contract, he would make sure he could still play.

“I’m glad, Shane. I hope you bring this special person around soon.” Jackie said and then began a story about the kids from the week, apparently Amber tried to get a crayon stuck up her nose.

Shane had noted how Jackie had said it, someone special, she didn’t ask about a girl, she didn’t use pronouns. Maybe she was onto him. Would that be so bad? If they did find out before he had everything set up?

Maybe. Maybe not. He hated lying to his friends like this, and now he was really lying since he was keeping not one but two massive secrets from them. Ilya being one (he hated to think of him as a secret, but he was) and his new plans being the other, telling them about Ilya would lead to the other and vice versa.

The rest of the dinner went over well and Shane left with his chest feeling a bit tight, a weight added back to his shoulders he hadn’t wanted. He called Ilya on the drive home and hoped it would help the icky feeling spreading through him after not telling his friends once again about the man he loves so much he is going to shake up his entire career to be with him.

“Lyubyuv did you enjoy dinner with friends?” Ilya asked as he answered on the first ring.

“Yeah.” Shane said, his voice sounding too sullen.

“Does not sound like it, what is wrong, Shanya.” Ilya asked, voice soft with concern.

“I just-” Shane took a deep breath, not sure how to describe this issue he had gotten himself into without making Ilya feel guilty, he knew Ilya would take any blame he could for literally anything so Shane needed to be careful. Especially because Ilya wasn’t the problem, he was the solution Shane was working towards.

“I just feel weird, I don’t know, I want to tell them about you. I really do, so so badly but-”

But what if being gay makes them hate me? What if they tell everyone before Shane is ready? What if they hate Ilya? What if they are mad at Shane for lying for his whole life to them? What if-

“But you are not ready, is okay solynyshko, you do not have to rush to let everyone in. I know you are working on it, that is enough.” Ilya spoke softly, in a reassuring voice.

It wasn’t enough. Shane knew it wasn’t enough.

“I just hate that I’m so fucking scared of everything, they’re my best friends it shouldn’t be this scary.” Shane rushed out.

“It is though and that’s okay, you aren’t sure what is going to happen and that is scary, Shanya. You do not need to rush you just need to wait until you are ready, and I am happy to wait as long as you need, you know this, da? You do not need to force yourself out for me, I am just happy to be with you.” Ilya’s kept his voice calm and steadying, Shane signed into the phone.

“I love you.” Shane said softly.

“I love you too, Shanya. It will all be okay, I will make sure of it. I am very scary Russian after all.”

Shane laughed at that, “Yes, my big scary Russian to protect me.”

“I am very big and very scary, no one will bother you as long as I am around.” Ilya said, his voice light with laughter but Shane couldn’t hear the slight drop towards the end, read the implication that Ilya wasn’t sure how long he would be around for.

“Well then it’s a good thing I’m keeping you at my side forever.” Shane said quietly, because it was what he wanted. He wanted forever. Ilya needed to know there wasn’t an end to this, at least not for Shane.

“I would like that.” Ilya voice came through the phone soft, Shane heard the slight choke of his words.

“I really miss you.” Shane said, “We need to figure out when I get to see you again, it’s been too long.”

“It has been less than 12 hours since I saw you.” Ilya said with a laugh.

“12 hours too long.” Shane said seriously.

“Okay so let’s find out next visit.” Ilya said and they went to work. It took a few days to wait for Ilya’s next schedule to come out but they set a plan for Ilya to come up to Montreal in about a week. Shane had been nervous suggesting it, and was even more nervous by the reality of it, but they had arranged a dinner with his parents for the first night. Shane prayed they would be on their best behavior.

The days leading up to his trip to Montreal, Ilya found himself in a better rhythm than he had ever been in Boston. He had work, he had his team, and he was actually starting to make friends. He had gotten drinks after practice a few times with Troy, and sometimes Harris would join them. Ilya was happy to see them orbit each over the past few weeks, but was ready for them to finally just get together. Dancing around each other was starting to get annoying to watch, but Ilya was glad to feel like he was finally making friends in his city.

He felt less lonely now than he had in years, his life was suddenly full of people where less than a year ago it had been empty. He thanked his mom everyday for bringing Shane back into his life, for bringing the sun back into his life after years spend wandering in the dark.

Ilya packed his bag quickly on the day he was headed to Montreal, he had been a little overzealous at practice over the week and was forced to keep his brace on his knee to keep it from screaming at him, but it was worth it because he got two of the kids to learn one of his old moves. They were both a little shaky with it, and they couldn’t make the shot every time but when they did it was the most beautiful goal the kids made, Ilya felt proud to have passed that down to them. Proud and a little annoyed that he insisted on leading by example so much that now he was going to meet Shane’s parents with a stupid brace on.

The brace made it a bit harder to move and was a completely hassle at the airport, they made him take it off for security leading to Ilya limping through the gate like his leg had been shot off.

His flight felt too long, too many people were looking at him in the airport, looking at the brace. His clothes felt too tight, he regretted the choice of jeans and shirt now that he had become over aware of the tags stabbing him in the side and the neck hem rubbing against him. These were his nicest jeans, which also meant they were his least comfortable to sit in on a fucking plane. This was his nicest shirt, which meant it was also not the most ideal shirt to travel in. He should’ve planned to just change when he got to Montreal but he was worried they wouldn’t have time to stop at Shane’s so he came dressed, and he was glad he did because his flight delay meant they really wouldn’t have the time.

Ilya wished they could have just an hour together alone before he had to be brave re-meeting Shane’s parents. He was wishing desperately he could have avoided this somehow, found an excuse as to why this wasn’t a good time or a the right trip to do this but it had been weeks since they were caught by Shane’s parents, too long probably without meeting them more properly so this has to happen now.

Shane sat in the same part of the airport long term parking lot from when he dropped Ilya off last time, mind frayed with nerves about this dinner going well. He needed his parents to like Ilya, he wanted them to love Ilya but at the bare minimum he would accept them just liking Ilya. God they had to like him.

Shane jumped nearly a foot in his seat when the car door randomly opened and his car was filled with his stunning boyfriend whose golden curls were bouncing light of them. Shane could see the slight pinch of his brows, the way his smile was a little too big, a little too forced.

Ilya laughed, a real laugh, at realizing he had startled Shane with his entrance. He leaned across console and kissed Shane’s cheek, admiring the way Shane’s nose was scrunched in his own laughter from being startled.

“So jumpy, Shanya.” Ilya teased.

“I was distracted,” Shane said with a laugh, he reached over to pull Ilya into a quick kiss. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Shanya.”

Shane started to pull out and began driving them towards his parents house.

“Are you nervous?” Ilya asked, watching Shane sporadically tap on the steering wheel as he drove, his left foot bouncing a bit too.

“Maybe a little, I just want you to all like each other.” Shane said, trying to drop down the tension from his shoulders with a deep exhale.

“I will like them. I hope they like me, I promise to be on best behavior.” Ilya said, reaching a hand over to rest on Shane’s leg.

“It’s not you I’m worried about,” Shane said in a grumble and Ilya sat back and looked at him.

“Wait, Shanya, do they not like me already?” Ilya asked, voice tight and strained.

Shane sucked in a breath, fuck he hadn’t meant to say that out loud, “Um, no they don’t know you. They can’t make a decision yet.” Shane said, voice slow words coming out too carefully.

“Do you think they will not?” Ilya asked, trying hard to not read too much into the crease forming between Shane’s eyebrows.

“I think they’ll love you, like I love you.” Shane said, running a hand over Ilya’s on his leg before bringing it back to the wheel.

“Well hopefully not exactly like how you love me.” Ilya said with a laugh.

“Ew gross, Ilya.” Shane said with a laugh, Ilya was glad to watch the lines erase themselves from Shane’s face as he laughed.

They pulled up to the house, it was a nice house Ilya thought. The lawn was well manicured, there were flowers lining the path up to the house. The house had a big front porch with rocking chairs on it, Ilya wondered if Shane’ parents ever used them or if they were for decoration.

As they approached the front door, Shane threaded his fingers through Ilya’s and gave his hand a little squeeze.

“They’re gonna love you.” Shane said to Ilya, hoping to reassure him and trying to reassure himself that this would not end in a total disaster.

He didn’t bother knocking, just walked through and began toeing his shoes off, Ilya followed suit.

“Mom, dad, we’re here!” Shane called out from the foyer, his parents came bounding around the corner.

“It’s good to see you!” Yuna said wrapping her arms around her soon, she broke apart and Ilya gave her a small smile, not sure if he should offer his hand to shake when suddenly Yuna was pulling him into a hug too.

“It’s so nice to see you again, Ilya.” Yuna said as she pulled back, “Shane has told us such great things, we’re happy to have you here.” Ilya’s chest warmed at that, he was worried they wouldn’t like him but Shane’s mom was being so kind and welcoming.

“David is just finishing dinner in the kitchen, why don’t we go sit at the table? I can get you boys something to drink.” Yuna said and they followed her to the dining table where places had been set for everyone and glasses sat empty and ready to filled. Yuna opened a bottle of white wine, “I can also open a red, if you’d prefer Ilya.” She said as she poured a glass for her and David.

“White is good for me, thank you,” Ilya said and she poured his glass then looked at Shane who gave a small nod and she poured him a glass as well.

Ilya knew Shane didn’t usually drink during the season, he had accepted a drink from Sveta but Ilya couldn’t tell then if it was politeness or nerves that had him sipping the glass, tonight he was sure it was nerves.

Ilya took his seat next to Shane and took a slow sip from his wine, complimenting it to Yuna. She thanked him and hurried to the kitchen to help David bring everything out, the boys both tried to offer to help but Yuna insisted they stay seated.

Ilya was trying to control the energy he had from his nerves, his good knee bounced under the table. Shane reached a hand out under the table and steadied Ilya’s bouncing leg, Ilya allowed himself to be grounded in Shane’s touch.

Yuna came back in followed by David, both holding platters of food. Chicken Parmesan, Ilya’s favorite.

“Welcome Ilya!” David said as he set his platter down, he served Ilya before sitting down in his chair. Shane and Yuna served themselves and everyone settled into their spots, there was a bit of awkward silence as everyone started on the food.

“We’re so glad you could come join us.” Yuna said to Ilya who was trying to eat his pasta as gracefully as possible.

“Thank you for having me. Was very nice of you.” Ilya said and cursed himself for how stupid he sounded with his accent, fucking hell he was already blowing this.

“The honor is ours,” David said, “After all a dinner is the least we could do for someone who makes our son so happy.” Shane squeezed Ilya’s thigh under the table and beamed at him, Ilya couldn’t help but smiling back.

“Yes! We’ve been hoping to get to host you here, Ilya. We’d love to get to know you!” Yuna said excitedly and flashed him a warm smile.

“Shane says you coach a little league hockey team? How is that going?” Yuna asked.

“Is going well, I think.” Ilya gave a sheepish smile, “I think the kids are getting better, they have been winning more so I think we may have a chance for their cup. I hope they get to their playoffs at least, is cute how the league mimics the MHL, I think.” Ilya glanced at Shane as he finished speaking and was glad to find a reassuring smile there and receive another thigh squeeze.

“Ilya tells me all of his practice stories, the kids can be really funny.” Shane said.

“Oh really? Tell us some, we loved to hear ‘em.” David said and Ilya started in on some of his favorite stories he felt some of the tension he had in his shoulders drop as he spoke about the kids he coached.

“They all sound really great.” Yuna said.

“Da. They are.” Ilya said with a smile.

“What do you like to do outside of the team?” Yuna asked.

Shane gave Ilya another reassuring squeeze, Ilya spoke slowly, “Normal things, I work out, I cook, I like music.” Ilya wasn't sure if he had hobbies really, he wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Ilya’s a really good chef. He somehow makes the stuff on my diet plan make me forget it’s from my diet plan.” Shane said, Ilya’s heart leaped at the compliment. He was so glad Shane liked his food, and that he was doing a good job with the performance diet.

“What sort of things do you cook Ilya?” David asked then took a sip of his wine.

“Anything really, I am probably best at Russian food, maybe.” Ilya said, reaching to sip some of his wine.

“I can’t picture Shane eating Russian food,” David said, giving his son a surprised look.

“I’m not that picky!” Shane said and they all laughed, even Shane after a moment. Ilya’s chest warmed at the feeling of laughing with Shane’s family.

“You are, remember that time-” and Yuna dove into a story from Shane’s childhood that left them all laughing again.

The meal was going well, the conversation had started to flow more easily, Ilya had sprinkled in some small details from his life. Yuna loved that he had played hockey growing up and they ended up talking about the current MLH season and debating player’s skills.

Ilya felt like everything was going pretty well, he hoped they had seemed to like him. He was polite, engaged in the conversation, and he thought his hockey knowledge was earning him points. He hoped it was.

“So Ilya, what was it that you did for work again?” Yuna asked, her tone felt a little too casually forced. Ilya felt the slight shift in the room and caught the subtle glare Shane was giving his mom.

Ilya felt his hands get clammy, his heart was beating a bit faster. He couldn’t help but tap his foot on his good leg as he spoke, words coming out too clumsy and accent too thick.

“Um. I work for the Raiders facility team.” He spoke looking at his plate, in the way he had been trained to in his childhood.

“Mom-” Shane started but Yuna cut him off.

“And is that the long term plan?” Ilya looked up and she was looking at him appraisingly.

Ilya didn’t have a good answer. He wanted to say ‘No,’ but he didn’t really have a different answer. He had tried to apply for other jobs, but he never got any of them. He wasn’t sure if he could pay for a technical school, he knew he couldn’t get into a college and wasn’t sure what he would do at a community college and again couldn’t pay for that either.

His voice felt stuck in his throat, he was sure they could see how hard his heart was beating in his chest, it had to be beating through it.

He heard Shane try to stop her again, but he knew he had to give an answer. He had to let her know he wasn’t good enough for Shane, it was clear she was already onto him.

“I am not sure.” Ilya said and reached for a sip of his wine hoping that would help his heart calm down a fraction.

Shane was shooting daggers at his mom through his eyes, Ilya hated it.

“You don’t have to have it all figured out.” David said, his voice was warm and his face reassuring. It was so unlike any expression Ilya’s own father ever gave, it was almost shocking.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything, everyone has their own timeline.” Yuna said and took a sip of her wine, Ilya didn’t think she really meant it. She had seen him for what he was, and that was someone who could never be good enough for Shane. She was probably already calculating how dating Ilya would damage Shane’s brand, it wouldn’t be very cool or hot of Shane to have a janitor boyfriend, Ilya would guess.

Shane squeezed his thigh again and gave him a small apologetic smile, Ilya returned a small smile back.

David took charge of the conversation, moving them past the awkwardness and back towards the neutral topic that was Shane’s hockey. Ilya was thankful for conversation’s focus to shift off of him for a bit and ate the rest of the dinner without trying to embarrass himself.

He has almost done so, but then as they were finishing their plates, Yuna asked, “How long have you been in Boston? Did you come from Russia?”

Ilya froze up for a moment, the only thing thawing him was Shane’s hand still squeezing his leg. This shouldn’t be a hard question, but it opened the door for the harder questions which filled him with anxiety.

“About 7 years or so, I moved from Russia with my best friend and became citizen so I don’t have to go back.” Ilya answered carefully, mentioning that he had his citizenship would be a plus he thought, but they wouldn’t like how he got it so he was hoping to dance around that bit and hoped they didn’t ask more about it.

“Thats great you got your citizenship!” Yuna said but then seemed to digest the rest of what Ilya said, “You haven’t gone back home since you moved to Boston?”

“Boston is home now.” Ilya answered and when she didn’t look satisfied with the response he added, “I have no reason to go back to Russia, no family there and is risky to travel back, is not safe for people like us.” He gestured to him and Shane and understanding seemed to pass through her.

“I’m sorry, Ilya, it must be hard to not to feel safe to go back there.” Yuna said with a sad expression and took another sip of her wine.

“Da.” Ilya said and took a sip of his.

“You don’t have any family back there?” David asked to clarify.

“Not that I talk to.” Ilya said, Shane’s parents both have surprised faces, fuck he was not making a good impression, he was ruining it with his stupid fucking life story.

“Oh.” Yuna and David both seemed to say at the same time.

“They were not kind, is better this way.” Ilya tried to explain, hoping they could understand without Ilya having to give any of the gory details about his horrible family.

“I’m sorry, Ilya.” Yuna said.

“That’s tough, kid. I’m sorry.” David remarked and followed with, “We are really glad you were able to join us tonight.”

“Thank you, me too.” Ilya said softly, Shane gave him another reassuring squeeze.

When they finished eating, David began clearing the plates and Ilya carefully stood and started to help to clear the plates, David tried to stop him but Ilya insisted. He had to show them he was useful, he still needed to prove his worth. Sure he could never be worthy of Shane, but he could be as close as he could get.

David and him brought the plates into the kitchen and set them in the sink. Ilya grabbed the scrubber and went to start washing them and David reached out to stop him.

“Let me do that,” David said taking the scrubber from Ilya.

Ilya passed it over, “Okay, but at least let me help dry?”

David agreed and soon they were in a system of David washing and Ilya drying. As they worked David started to speak.

“I’m sorry if we were prying too much in there, I hope we didn’t offend you with any of our questions.” David said.

“No, they were okay.” Ilya said quietly.

“Good, I’m glad we got to get to know you better tonight, I’m sorry things haven’t been easier for you. Shane hadn’t told us much outside of the little league team, but I can see you’ve had a rougher go of it, you seem like a strong kid. It couldn’t have been easy to start over in a new country so young, and without the support from family.”

Ilya didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t easy. So rarely did anyone acknowledge how much harder Ilya’s life had been due to his shitty circumstances, it was a nice to feel seen. He felt like David could see that he had been fighting for so long just to get where he was, fighting to survive.

The moment Ilya and David were out of the dining room, Shane shot his mom daggers with his eyes and had to restrain himself from snarling at her he was so furious with her. His mom knew what Ilya did for a living, Shane had told her, she did not need to grill him for his future plans. Ilya had fought hard to build himself a new life in a new country, maybe it wasn’t perfect but Shane thought it was really admirable, he couldn’t imagine having to do that. He couldn’t imagine not having his parents support.

“What was that?” Shane asked in a hiss.

“What?” His mom asked, her expression feigning innocence.

“You know what.” Shane hissed.

“We were just trying to get to know him, Shane.” Yuna said, finishing her glass and refilling it.

“You weren’t just trying to get to know him and you know it, half of this dinner felt like you were making him take some weird test and honestly, Mom, I don’t care if you think he passed. I love him and he’s not going anywhere, not if I can help it.” Shane spoke sternly, he needed his mom to know that while her opinion has always mattered most to him in everything else, it didn’t in this. If she couldn’t see how amazing Ilya was, that’s on her.

“Shane, I really wasn’t trying to do anything but get to know him.” Yuna said.

“No you weren’t and you know it.” Shane said.

“Okay, fine maybe I was trying to make sure he was good enough for my only son, can you blame me?” Yuna remarked.

“Yes! You should trust me to be a good judge of character, I wouldn’t fall in love with someone who didn’t deserve it.” Shane said sternly.

Yuna sat for a minute, her mouth opened and closed once before she found the words. “You’re right. I should trust you. He does seem nice, I just wish- “

“Don’t.” Shane warned cutting her off, knowing she was about to make some remark about his job.

“Shane, it’s fair for me to be worried, I mean you make a considerable salary,” that was an understatement, “I don’t want anyone taking advantage of you.”

“Advantage of me? Are you serious? You think Ilya is only with me for the money?” He couldn’t fucking believe this.

“No, but I think it’s fair to be cautious. I mean you haven’t known him very long. I just don’t want you getting hurt or being used by someone. I just think you deserve better than that.”

“Ilya is better than that.”

“Okay. I just had to be sure Shane, I worry about you.”

Shane sighed, he rubbed his face with his hands trying to release some of the tension from this awful conversation before Ilya came back.

“I know, mom.” Shane said and looked her in the eyes, face serious, “but you don’t need to worry about me with Ilya. He’s it for me.”

Yuna’s face flashed in surprise, Shane could see the gears spinning at his statement, her face scrunched in concentration for a moment and then relaxed.

“Okay, then you need a plan.”

Shane was just about to start telling her his plan, let her in with the idea. The talks with his agent had gone well. Everything looked good for a trade to the admirals, there would be negotiations after the season was over and he would be free of Montreal. He was about to tell her, when his dad and Ilya walked back in. His dad was holding dessert and Ilya had new plates and forks.

The dessert went a bit better, Ilya thought. He was thankful for his conversation with David in the kitchen. The focus had shifted from Ilya to Shane when Yuna started asking Shane about his team and the season, his answers were a bit tense. This time Ilya was the one giving Shane’s thigh a squeeze under the table. Shane gave him a small smile after the first one.

They had each other, they were in this together. Ilya had relied on Shane’s support and now was happy to support Shane as he dodged questions about his team and what he thought next season would look like. He couldn’t tell them that next season he wasn’t going to be a Montreal, so he kept his answers vague and tried to redirect the attention off the next season and back to the current one.

After the dessert, the boys made to leave. Yuna gave Ilya another hug, which felt a bit more forced than her first one, Ilya was certain he hadn’t sold her on himself. He had heard what she said when he almost went back in before David, it was enough to make him turn around and go back to wait for David to rejoin Shane and his mom.

David, however, gave him a firm handshake and there was something soft and genuine in his expression as he spoke softly, “It was really nice to get to know you Ilya, hopefully we can have you back here soon.” It made Ilya’s chest warm, he hadn’t had a fathers approval in well he didn’t know how long, maybe ever, but unlike Yuna Ilya felt he had won David over, at least a little.

Him and Shane were quiet on the drive back to Shane’s apartment. Ilya couldn’t unhear what Yuna had said, he had pushed it aside so they could finish the evening but now he knew what Yuna thought of him.

“He does seem nice, I just wish- “

“Don’t,” Shane had said with an anger that wasn’t like him and the energy that he had already had this fight before.

Then Yuna had remarked on his salary and said, “I don’t want anyone taking advantage of you.” Hearing the words ‘taking advantage,’ turned Ilya’s blood cold. He wasn’t taking advantage of Shane, right? It wasn’t him who was booking the flights and trains and hotel stays, Ilya would have happily saved on his own to afford transportation to see Shane, but Shane had always just taken care of it. Ilya had let him. Maybe he shouldn’t have? Maybe he was supposed to argue more and not act the money wasn’t a problem for Shane. Fuck. Maybe he was taking advantage of Shane? Fuck.

“I just don’t want you getting hurt or being used by someone. I just think you deserve better than that.”

“Ilya is better than that.”

Shane had defended him, that was probably the only reason Ilya was able to go back in there, that and the support of walking in with David. Shane didn’t think he was taking advantage, Shane knew he was better than that and had said so. It was after that comment that Ilya had slipped back towards the kitchen, abandoning his mission to grab the left silverware.

Neither of them spoke until they were inside Shane’s condo.

“I think that went okay,” Shane said, Ilya could hear the edge of nerves in his voice and watched as Shane fidgeted with his hands. Ilya reached out and took them in his to stop the fidgeting.

“Do you?” Ilya wanted to reassure Shane but he could never lie to him, and honestly to Ilya it hadn’t gone that well. Shane didn’t know Ilya had overheard part of his conversation with his mom, but that conversation was enough sign that it hadn’t gone that well. Not really.

“I think so, what did you and my dad talk about when you were gone?” Shane asked, big brown eyes peering up at him, Ilya could see the fleck of hope in them.

“He asked me a few more questions, was really nice to me, said it must have been hard to move and everything. He was very different from my father, much nicer.” Ilya said, his words coming out rushed and accent a little thicker than usual, the way it was when he got too nervous or his emotions started getting to him.

“Yeah? That’s good, I think he liked you a lot.” Shane said, looking down at their joined hands.

“I don’t know if your mom likes me.” Ilya admitted, he kept his gaze on Shane’s face, and watched as it fell just a fraction.

“I don’t, she didn’t, I don’t think that…” Shane couldn’t find the words, his brow scrunched and Ilya watched as a face of. Ilya reached out and cupped his face in his hands, and smoothed out the little line forming between his brow.

“Is okay, maybe she needs more than one dinner to get to know me, da?” Ilya tried to reassure Shane. He honestly didn’t think there was a chance Yuna would change her mind about him. She probably would always think he was a loser who was mooching off Shane. Ilya didn’t know how to fix that, it wasn’t like he was suddenly going to make millions of dollars to become Shane’s equal in that way. There would probably alway be a really fucking huge disparity between their salaries. Ilya couldn’t fix that.

“It is hard to show off how amazing you are in only one meal.” Shane said, leaning into Ilya’s touch. Ilya took his face and pulled him in for a kiss.

He led Shane to bed and proved that he was a very very good boyfriend one who definitely deserved Shane after tonight’s performance in bed.

When Shane finally drifted off beside him, curled into Ilya’s chest. Ilya let himself process everything.

Yuna didn’t think he was good enough. He wasn’t good enough, and Yuna knew it. Yuna wouldn’t want him with Shane. How much longer would he have before Shane realized Yuna was right and Ilya was nothing more than a loser who needed to rely on Shane’s generosity just to see him.

Shane shifted in his sleep and turned to face away from Ilya, and Ilya moved to sit up against the headboard.

He couldn’t stop the thoughts from spiraling.

“I just think you deserve better than that.”

“The great Ilya Rozanov, such a fucking joke.”

“I just wish-“

“You will never amount to anything, what a waste, my loser son who is not longer a son of mine. You are nothing.”

He was nothing. Yuna saw it. She saw the utter inadequacy that was Ilya Rozanov. Shane would see it too soon.

Ilya hadn’t noticed he was crying at first but soon his cheeks were wet. He controlled his tears and breathing the best he could, hoping he wouldn’t wake Shane

Chapter End Notes

so a lot happens here - Shane is making some moves lowkey !!

also David is being a homie yuna just needs some time trust - and poor Ilya overhearing her a lil :,(((

Hope yall enjoyed lmk what you think!!

Chapter 13: Advantage pt 2

Chapter Notes

we’re backkkkkk I took too long agonizing over this one but alas she’s finished (or at least I’m calling it lmao) I hope yall enjoy!! a lot happens as usual- it ended up longer than I thought and also shorter than I thought somehow

-UM ALSO the itallics wouldnt copy from my doc i write from and then the spacing ended up weird so i am sorry the paragraphs are weird i will try to edit but just wanted this out finally! truly all devices are against me in my time of need lmao like thank you googledocs and ao3 for not letting me copy omg-

He’s in his childhood bedroom on top of Sasha who was giving him a devilish grin as Ilya slid his hand beneath the waistband of Sasha’s briefs. 

He heard the door slam open and crash into the wall, the dooorknob making a new hole just a bit lower than the one his papa had made a few years ago. Alexei is in the room. His face is twisted in a fury Ilya has never seen before. Ilya doesn’t hear whatever Alexei spews at him through the blood rushing in his head and his heart beating through his skull. 

Alexei is gone. Sasha is scrambling. Ilya is frozen. 

Suddenly it’s later, the light is gone from the windows and the room sits in an eerie darkness. Ilya kneeling by his bed, trying to control his breathing. 

He’s gonna kill me. 

He hears the door slam downstairs and flinches. A clatter and clash of keys hitting the wall and Ilya wants to shrivel up and disappear. 

He should have run. 

The stomps approach and Ilya is shaking by the time his father opens the door. He stands and folds his hands, keeps his eyes down and begins to try to defend himself. 

Suddenly he’s on the floor. 

He’s begging. 

His father is standing over him holding his hockey stick.

“Please papa, please.” He’s crying. His father spits on him and the first strike hits his knee.

Someone is shaking him awake. 

“Ilya. Ilya please wake up, you’re having a nightmare. You’re okay. You’re safe. Come back to me.” 

Shane. Shane is shaking him awake. He opens his eyes and is blessed with the glorious sight of those freckles and brown eyes he could melt into. Right now they are shadowed in concern. 

“Ilya?” Shane has stopped shaking him. Ilya has to take a moment to get his breathing under control. Shane swipes a hand across his cheek and Ilya realizes he’s been crying. Fuck.

Ilya fought through the disorientation of being woken up halfway through his nightmare, he must have been sleeping deep. 

Fuck. He’d woken Shane.

“Ilya?” Shane’s voice was shakier. Ilya tried to focus on the freckles. On the hands cupping his face. He reached his arms out halfway to Shane and Shane was moving until he was laying almost fully on Ilya. 

Ilya let Shane’s weight ground him. 

He focused his breaths as he held Shane closer to him. Shane’s warmth spreading to him, he let himself focus on it.

It took time to calm his breathing, but having Shane’s chest against him helped him to match Shane’s rhythmic breathing. 

In. Out. In. Out.

“Ilya?” Shane tried again. Ilya wasnt sure how long it had been since he’d been woken up. How long since the last time Shane had even said his name. 

“Shanya.” Ilya’s voice came out in a rattle, his accent too thick. 

“You’re okay.” Shane said. Ilya thought he was convincing himself a little of it. 

“I’m sorry.” Ilya said in a half whisper. 

He had never had a nightmare while in the same bed as Shane. He didn’t think it was possible. It hadn’t been until now. Until tonight. Until that dinner.

“I just think you deserve better than that.”

Fuck. 

Fuck. Shane’s mom had gotten in his head. Her voice had encouraged the voice of his father to come out. Fuck and with Shane in bed with him. 

Fuck. 

He took a shattering breath. His eyes were burning. God he just wanted to disappear. 

Maybe it would have been better if his father had just killed him. He was such a fucking hassle. He wasn’t good enough for Shane. He couldn’t win Shane’s parents over, not fully. He was ruining Shane’s sleep with his fucking nightmare and now crying.

Shane would be better off without me. 

Shane had been awoken by a thrashing Ilya who was crying and begging his father. Shane realized what was happening almost immediately. He realized where Ilya’s brain had taken him and wanted to be sick after hearing Ilya beg like that, after watching him cry like that in his sleep. He was terrified, he didn’t know how to help his boyfriend who was still shivering in fear under him. 

The sound of Ilya’s voice cracking as he pleading was relaying in a loop in Shane’s mind. 

“Please, papa, please.” 

Shane wanted to be sick but he held himself together, he had to. He needed to help the shaking Russian under him, whose breathing had grown too erratic. 

Ilya was certain Shane would finally leave him after this. Tonight had to be the final straw. 

He would be better off without me. 

Everyone would be better off without me.

“What?” The volume of Shane’s voice almost startled Ilya and he pulled back to look into Ilya’s eyes.

Ilya looked at him. He wasn’t sure what.

“I would not be better off without you. No one would be better off without you. Ilya, I-”

Oh fuck. Had he said that outloud? Fuck. 

Ilya shut his eyes. That was the only way to not look at Shane and see the disappointment in his face since Shane was straddling him and holding Ilya’s face in both hands. 

“Ilya look at me please.” Shane’s voice was so soft, Ilya could hear the wobble of his lip through it.

Ilya opened his eyes and Shane’s peered into his in the dark room. 

“Ilya, I love you. I would never be better off without you, you make my life infinitely better. I don’t want to spend a single day without hearing your voice or seeing your smile.” 

Ilya felt the tears escape before he blink them away. 

Shane softly brushed them away with his thumbs. 

“I- “” Ilya’s voice got caught in his throat. 

“I love you.” Shane said. His voice steady. 

“I’m sorry.” Ilya said. 

“Stop apologizing.” Shane’s voice was stern.

“I- Okay but I am.” Ilya said. He was sorry. He didn’t mean to have a nightmare or react like this or fuck everything up at dinner. He was fucking everything up. Like it was his curse, whenever the dream was in sight he fucked it up. He had after Regina, and he had again tonight. He was just born to be doomed.

“You don’t need to be sorry for having a nightmare Ilya, are you- ugh that’s probably a stupid question.” Shane laid back down pressing himself into Ilya. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Shane asked, his look at Ilya so concerned and loving it made the words stick in Ilya’s throat. He nodded. He felt like he had to explain. Shane was looking at him, face soft and warm, Ilya pulled him a bit tighter to his chest. Shane nestled his head against Ilya’s shoulder and began tracing soothing circles on his skin.

“I- I had a nightmare about my father, from when he found me and everything happened. They happen sometimes, less now.” 

Shane nodded against him. “Do you think the dinner tonight might have, you know?” 

Yes, Ilya knew. 

“I don’t know, I-“ he couldn’t lie, “I think maybe.” 

Shane stilled against him. “Is not your fault Shanya, was mine. I came back too early and I um-” Fuck how did he tell him this? He took a deep breath as if that helped, and it did a little with his heart rate Shane could surely tell from his position. “I overheard some things your mom said, I know she doesn’t think I’m good enough for you.” 

Shane look up at him, eyes wide, his mouth opened and closed twice before anything came out. 

“What did you hear?” Shane’s voice was almost a whisper.

“I think she wishes I had a better career, maybe.” Ilya sighed before revealing the rest, “and that I might be taking advantage of you.” 

“Ilya, please hear me when I tell you that she was so fucking wrong to say that. You would never and have never taken advantage of me.”

“Maybe not at first, but Shanya you get hotels and flights and I-“ Ilya exhaled in frustration, “I just make us dinners in my shitty apartment, I don’t do anything.”

Shane looked at him and brushed a thumb across his cheek. “Ilya you do everything. You learned my schedule, you learned my diet and cook it for us, you are always there to make me feel better after a long day, you always know how to make me laugh, you always, always make me feel so safe and loved. You are everything to me, the way you take care of me, the way you learned my little traits and follow them like with the clothes.” Shane’s voice started to wobble by the end, Ilya saw the tears refusing to spill pooling in those big brown eyes, making them seem even bigger. 

“I love you so much. If anyone’s taking advantage it’s me.” Shane said, voice shaking as he did.

Ilya’s brain short circuited for a moment. What?

How the fuck is Shane taking advantage of me?

“Shanya, what do you-“

Shane cut him off, “I’m not out, you come to visit Montreal but you haven’t seen any of the city. We can’t just go out to dinner or go for a run in the park without a million questions from people and I’m still just not ready to be out like that, I want to be but I’m so fucking scared Ilya”. Ilya watched Shane’s lip wobble, he cupped a hand on his face and stroke his thumb over it. 

Shane’s eyebrow formed that familiar line again and Ilya reached to smooth it out. 

Shane leaned into the touch and spoke softly, “You deserve someone who can show you off, you deserve to be shown off. You deserve dinner dates and walks through the city. You deserve more than just sneaking into our homes or into hotels.” Shane let out a sigh as he finished.

“Solynyshko.” Ilya said softly, holding Shane’s face to force him to look into Ilya’s eyes as he spoke, “I do not need any of that, I only need you.” Shane took in a breath, and Ilya finished in a whisper, “and I don’t even deserve you.” 

“You do, Ilya. You deserve so much more than I have been able to give you but I want to give you everything because you’ve given me everything.” 

Ilya didn’t know what that meant, he hadn’t given Shane anything but his time. Shane saw the confusion on Ilya’s face. 

“You are everything to me.” Shane said sternly. 

Ilya felt his eyes burn again and Shane’s thumbs were rubbing under his eyes collecting tears before they spilled. 

“You are everything to me too, Shanya.” Ilya said and pulled him into a kiss. 

They rearranged so Ilya was spooning Shane against him, relishing in the warmth coming from Shane’s back, at the feel of the muscles there. 

“I love you.” Shane said softly, Ilya could feel him relaxing a bit into his arms as he said it, it made Ilya’s chest even warmer.

“I love you too Shanya.”

They fell back to sleep slowly. They woke up a bit later than usual for both of them, having been exhausted from the night prior and all of the feelings it had stirred in both of them. 

Shane woke first, still spooned into Ilya’s side. He listened to Ilya’s even breathing until it shifted and Ilya’s arm twitched around him. Shane moved to face his boyfriend and kissed him on the jaw, Ilya’s eyes fluttered opened. 

“Good morning Shanya.” Ilya’s voice was rough, Shane kissed his jaw again. 

“Good morning, it’s not fair you look this good in the morning.” Shane said, he actually looked a little rougher, the shadows had darkened under his eyes which were still a little red rimmed somehow even after sleeping so long. 

Ilya scoffed and Shane pressed another kiss to his jaw, then moved to sit up and started pulling Ilya up. He wanted to kiss his boyfriend so they have to brush their teeth. 

Ilya knew what Shane wanted and happily followed him to the bathroom and avoided himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth beside Shane. As soon as they were finished Ilya was pulling Shane into a kiss. 

Shane kissed him back eagerly, kissing Ilya hard. He pulled back and led Ilya back to bed. 

They tangled themselves together and laid with each other for a while, debating what they wanted to do for their day together and just happy to be cuddled together in bed. Shane moved to massage Ilya’s knee as they debated, Ilya had taken the brace off to sleep but would probably wear it again today, Shane hoped he had helped it some. 

As Shane massaged he thought about how Ilya had sounded so fucking scared last night when he was lost in sleep begging his father not to hurt him. Shane moved his fingers tenderly, hating having to think about the fear Ilya must have felt getting the injury that messed up his knee. He wanted to take Ilya’s mind off everything. 

“Maybe we order groceries and you can teach me how to cook something Russian?” Shane asked after Ilya’s suggestions stopped being real and had finally entered a level of absolutely insane pitches just to make Shane laugh, which each did. 

Ilya brushed a hand over Shane’s arm, “Da. That sounds nice. What do you want to learn?” 

“What were those Russian dumplings called again? Maybe those?” 

“Da. That sounds perfect Shanya.” 

Shane happily spent his day playing sous chef to Ilya. Ilya led them in a mock militant manor, each direction given in a way to make Shane laugh. 

Ilya walked him through the steps and Shane followed every instruction closely. When they were forming the pelmenis Ilya stood behind Shane and guided his hands, making small corrections and giving him tickling kisses up his neck. Shane relished the touches and was left giggling by the end. 

Ilya turned to get more filling and Shane took a pinch remaining from the bowl in front of him and flicked it at him as he turned back around. A look of surprise flashed upon his now white-flecked face. His hair splashed with flour. A devilish grin spread out and he reached to give an even bigger flick at Shane. 

All out war had taken place. 

It was a while before they resumed cooking, and Shane took a million photos of their finished result, just to have them. They were now covered in flour, it was even down Shane’s shirt and they would have to spend ages vacuuming it all but Shane didn’t care, he was just excited to take his flour covered boyfriend into the shower and clean him off. 

They put the pelmenis in the oven and Ilya led their charge in cleanup as well, Shane laughed at his militant impression he was performing in as they cleaned their mess. 

It had ended up a perfect day, Shane thought as he scrubbed the flour out of Ilya’s hair, full and happy from the meal they had made together, they had frozen a bunch of uncooked ones for Shane to make later. Ilya was happy to know Shane had food from him in his freezer, would continue breaking his performance diet from the team and eat them after he left. He liked that Shane was breaking from some of the rigidness around food when he was with Ilya. 

They curled back in bed together after. Shane’s voice was soft and quiet as it broke the comfortable silence they had been sitting in. 

“I hate it every time you go.” Shane’s voice broke a little as he said ‘go,’ and Ilya’s hand stilled where it had been rubbing circles across Shane’s stomach. 

“I hate it too, Shanya.” Ilya said, glad they were both feeling this way together. Glad that Shane really did hate it when they had to part, because Shane really did love him. 

Shane who spent his whole day learning one of Ilya’s favorite recipes, which went against his diet, after spending so much time comforting Ilya last night. 

“I was thinking about something.” Shane wasn’t sure why he was saying it, he had planned to wait but, he just needed to be sure it was something Ilya would want too. 

Fuck. What if Ilya didn’t want Shane in New York? What if this was too weird or too soon? Fuck.

“Shanya, what is it?” Ilya’s voice was gentle. 

Shane leaned into him, needing the touch for reassurance. Ilya wrapped his arms tightly around Shane and pressed a kiss to his jaw. “You can tell me anything Shanya, I love to know what is happening behind those beautiful freckles.”

Shane felt his face flush like it always did when Ilya complimented his freckles. To think he had been considering laser in the weeks before he met Ilya, now he can’t imagine taking them away, he loves the feeling of Ilya’s fingers brushing over them too much.

“I kind of had a chat with Scott Hunter after the New York game, and I kind of talked to my agent after and I was thinking about maybetradingtonewyork.” Shane finished in a rush. 

Ilya had no idea what had flown from Shane’s mouth but Shane tensed as he finished saying it. 

“I’m sorry Shanya, I could not,” fuck he hated to admit when he couldn’t understand, “I did not get that, you talked to Hunter and then you thought about?”

“Hunter wants someone to split time on his first line with, I was thinking of trading there.” Shane said slowly.

Ilya pulled Shane around to look at him, sitting up against the headboard. 

Shane was thinking about trading from Montreal? He was thinking about New York? 

Suddenly something Sveta had said came back to him, New York was only 2 hours by train, he could see Shane so much more. 

“You want to play in New York?” Ilya couldn’t believe it, “but what about your plan? Retiring with the metros and-”

“I don’t want to play with them anymore. I can’t be me there.” Shane said quietly.

“I’m sorry Shanya.” Ilya held him a little tighter.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. I need to be somewhere I can be myself, I need to be somewhere I can be with you openly.” 

Holy fuck. Shane was trading teams to be out with Ilya safely. This was a massive fucking leap considering he couldn’t even tell his best friend still. 

“Shanya what? But you said- you weren’t ready and- but you- Shanya I cannot understand.” 

Ilya was now sitting fully against the headboard, fully up right and in absolute shock. Shane couldn’t really want to tell people about them? Why would he want people to know about his loser boyfriend? 

“I’m tired of hiding. I don’t want to do it forever. I was thinking I could trade, make sure I’d be safe, and then I could come out and we could be open with our relationship if you were okay with that?” Shane sat up and looked at Ilya, his brown eyes looked uncertain, like he was worried Ilya couldn’t want this. 

This was more than Ilya could have hoped. Shane wanted him. He wanted to be out with him. He wanted to see him more so he was picking the closest team he could almost. He was trading to be out with Ilya. He was going to be so much closer. 

“Shane this is more than I could have- I cannot believe you want this with me? You really want to tell people? You want them to know about me?”

“I do. Of course I do, hiding like this is killing me, I want to show you off to the world. You shine too bright to hide.”

Ilya didn’t know what to say, his eyes burned with that. 

“You’re my solynyshko too, Ilya.” The tears were fully escaping now. Shane reached out to brush them away, and then kissed them away as they continued.

“I love you so so much Shanya.” Ilya said in a shaky voice.

Shane stopped his kisses and pulled back to look into Ilya’s devastating eyes as he said with all the sincerity he had in him, “I love you so much Ilya. Ya tebya lyubyu. You are my person, I am so fucking thankful we found eachother again, I can’t imagine living without you now.”

A new wave of tears flooded from Ilya’s eyes and Shane wiped each away for a reverence reserved for something so special, like Ilya was a diamond. 

Shane was the only person to ever make him feel like that. 

“I like this plan, solynyshko. I want you closer, I want to see you as much as possible.” If Shane was in New York, why would Ilya stay in Boston? He could move to New York. 

“Maybe I could move too. I could try to look for jobs there? If that isn’t too much. Then we would be in same city and we could see each other everyday if you wanted.” 

Shane’s breath hitched, “You’d leave Boston?” 

“Da. Is just a city, is nothing compared to you.” 

Shane couldn’t believe it, Ilya’s life he had built and worked so hard for was all in Boston, he would give that up for Shane? He would start over again? 

“But your team, Sveta is there, your life is there you would just leave that all?” 

Ilya brushed a reassuring hand down Shane’s arm, “I could take train and visit Sveta, or she could visit me, and I could find new team if I wanted, would be sad to leave kids but Troy can find an assistant easily with enough notice, I think he could ask Harris.” That would actually probably help in their weird circling dance, maybe more time together would finally make them admit their feelings. 

“I think it would be nice if you lived in New York, maybe, I don’t know if it’s too soon but maybe you would want to live with me? Then we really could see each other every day.”

Ilya’s heart exploded in his chest and was now racing, Shane wanted to live with him? Even after last night? Even knowing that he could be awoken and kept awake by Ilya’s fucking brain tormenting him? 

Ilya couldn’t afford to pay towards something Shane would want, how could he contribute? He couldn’t mooch off Shane? What would Shane’s mom say about him taking advantage then? Probably a lot. 

He wanted to see Shane everyday, he wanted it more than anything in the world. The want drove him to respond despite all of his worries, “I want that so so much Shanya. Everyday with you would be a dream come true.” It would be. It was the dream he never thought possible.

It was as if all of the reassurance Shane had given him over the months has finally soaked in at once and the voice that used to whisper Shane would leave him was silenced. Shane loved him. Shane said he was his person. Shane wanted to live with him and see him everyday and grow together and let everyone see it. Shane was really his. Shane really wanted him. Shane loved him like he loved Shane. 

Ilya pulled Shane into his arms, “Have you started to work on trade? When do you think it will happen?” It wasn’t a question of ‘if’ to Ilya, any team would be lucky to have Shane.

“I have already talked to my agent and we spoke to team management, there is a trade agreement set to be made at the end of the season. I just need to finish strong so New York is sure they want me, and everything will be perfect.”

Everything will be perfect. Shane thought living with Ilya would be perfect. Ilya was determined it would be.

“So soon then? Like this summer? Only a few months from now and you will be in New York?” 

“Yeah, I’ll move by the end of August. I can’t buy anything yet, but we can start looking in late June probably.” We. We could start looking. 

“You want me to look with you? In front of some realtor? Who will know we will be living there together? Really?” 

“Yeah, I’m thinking of coming out after the trade is official. We can have whoever sign an NDA until then so we don't have to worry.” 

“You have thought a lot about this?” Ilya asked but it wasn’t a question. It was clear Shane had been cooking this plan, had probably been trying to find the best way to ask Ilya about it.

“I like this plan very much, Shanya. Will be fun to look at places and judge interiors together in person instead of on TV.” Ilya jumped up suddenly, “We can pretend we are in your house shows! Oh Shanya will be so so fun I cannot wait.” 

Shane laughed and pulled Ilya down to settle into him, which Ilya did happily, melting into Shane.

“You love me.” Ilya said. 

“More than anything.” Shane said and ran hand through his curls. 

They drifted off to sleep shortly after, both dreaming of living in New York.

Shane drove Ilya to the airport and parked in what was truly his new usual spot here, he should’ve paid for an annual pass but no use at this point, he was getting out of Montreal. 

He kissed Ilya after checking the parking garage. Ilya kissed him deeply and pulled back slowly. 

“I love you so so much. I cannot wait for New York.” Shane said, dreading the moment Ilya stepped out of the car. 

“I love you too. I cannot wait, was all I could dream about.” He squeezed Shane’s hand, “I will call you when I’m home, we will find next visit?” 

Shane nodded. “I love you.” He said again. He didn’t want Ilya to leave.

“I love you too.” Ilya was slow to get out of the car. Shane relished in the sight of Ilya’s face as he gave one last look, hating that he would have to go back to his apartment alone. 

This time next year they would be living together. Not even 6 months away they could be living together. Shane was so fucking excited. He couldn’t wait to have Ilya everyday, to fall asleep with him every night. He could already picture lazy mornings on off days, running through Central Park together, it was going to be perfect. Shane was determined it would be. 

After he dropped Ilya off he drove straight to his parents. 

He needed to talk. 

He has managed to put the fury he felt towards his mother on hold so he could comfort Ilya, but now it was time to confront it and her. He couldn’t believe she had said that about Ilya, that she had meant it, and that Ilya, his poor Ilya had heard it all. His mother had basically said Shane was too good for Ilya, she had implied that Ilya was nothing more than a parasite using him. He needed to stop that now. Ilya was his person. She needed to respect him. 

He pulled up, he walked in and found them in the kitchen talking about his dad’s work. They stopped what they were doing and looked up at him.

“Shane!” His mom said, clearly shocked. 

“This is a nice surprise kid, we didn’t expect to see you until dinner this weekend.” His dad looked just as surprised. 

“Sorry to come unannounced but I needed to talk to mom.” Shane said and leveled a look at her. She looked confused. 

Like she didn’t know.

“The way you spoke about Ilya was unacceptable. He isn’t going anywhere. I do have a plan and that plan is already in motion, you aren’t going to change my mind about it. I’m trading to the Admirals, Ilya and I are going to live together in New York and I am going to come out after the trade. Everyone will know Ilya is mine and I am his. You need to start accepting him because he is it for me.” 

Yuna’s brows rose. Shane had never spoken to her like this. He had never really been mad with her before. 

“Shane, I- You’re leaving Montreal, why? What- but Shane they drafted you?” 

Of course that’s what she would start with.

“I can’t be myself in Montreal. So I’m done. I already have the trade arranged, it’s happening after the season. I will be an Admiral next season and for the next five with a no trade clause.”

Shane’s dad patted a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry you have to leave Montreal, this is a big change for you, I’m proud of you.” 

The rage that was simmering in Shane was silenced. He felt his eyes burn. “Thank you.” He said in a small voice.

His mom stepped closer and put a hand on his other arm. 

“I’m sorry for how I spoke about Ilya. I shouldn’t have judged him so hard, your dad and I have talked about it a lot and I wasn’t being fair to him.” Shane couldn’t be happier to hear that, he really didn’t want to fight his mom about Ilya. 

“I know you pictured someone different for me, but Ilya is the most amazing person I have ever met. He’s the man I’m going to marry one day, there’s no one else.” He hadn’t even said that thought to himself too much yet and here he was telling his parents, but it was true, deep in his heart Shane knew Ilya was the one. Ilya was everything. 

He ended up having dinner with his parents and explained his plan further, told them more about Ilya without saying too much but making it clear Ilya’s childhood was not pleasant, his family was not pleasant and he was better off without them. It made his parents sad to hear, but he felt his mom understanding Ilya more. 

She had even said at some point, “It was really brave of him to build something new from scratch.”

“It was.” Shane had said. 

He felt lighter driving home. 

Over the next few weeks practices were easier to get through. He could tune out the team easier, he didn’t care about the bullshit they spewed, he was getting out. 

He saw Ilya a few times, they continued to talk and plan for New York together. Ilya would pitch insane suggestions for things in their apartment, but slipped in a few real ideas that he pitched as if they were also fake. Shane was definitely getting him a foosball table. 

It was too long until his next game in Boston, but it finally rolled around. Shane was excited to be back in Ilya’s space. I’d felt homier than Shane’s, it was so much more personal. He liked using the plates Ilya had picked out, he loved cataloging the records Ilya swapped out on his wall. He couldn’t wait to live with Ilya, to have those records and plates in their home.

He was practically skipping down Ilya’s hall, bag in hand. Hayden had given him a too knowing look as he slipped out their hotel room, Shane told him he would see him at the game tomorrow. Practice had been hell, he hadn’t seen Ilya working but knew Ilya was now just inside cooking them a ‘Shane diet approved’ meal because of the game tomorrow. Shane couldn’t wait to hold his sweet Russian in his arms. 

He knocked twice, as was their ritual and was almost immediately in his favorite place ever, Ilya’s arms. 

“Oh solynyshko. I missed you so so much.” 

“I missed you too,” Shane sighed into him, taking in the smell of the soap he bought him for Christmas, it was woodsy and Shane loved to inhale it. He used a bar he bought himself on days he missed Ilya too much or needed to feel like he was closer, especially after rougher practices. 

“I need to go stir, it will be ready soon. Do you want to shower?” 

Shane nodded, “I’ll be fast, I just want to feel clean.” 

“Da. I know solynyshko, I will keep warm for you, go get clean.” 

Shane raced through his shower, and came out with his hair damp and probably looking crazy. He wrapped his arms around Ilya who was standing in front of the stove. 

“Let me plate, we can eat on couch, you want to put on last Boston game to study?” Shane nodded into Ilya’s shoulder. 

“We need you to crush them tomorrow. They have been unbearable, Shanya.” Ilya said with a sigh. 

“Tell me all of the horrible things they do so I can use that anger in the game tomorrow.” 

Ilya listed off his most recent line of complaints, each making Shane feel bad for his own facilities team who no doubt said the same thing about certain members on his own team. He hoped they knew it was never him, he did try to get the team to be cleaner but he hadn’t had much success.

They are cuddled up on the couch and went to bed early, Ilya made sure Shane fell asleep completely blissed out and was happy to do the same with his favorite person in his arms. He dreamt about New York again. 

Ilya didn’t have to work during the game, and he never went to Boston games, never, but there had been free tickets offered and for the first time ever he took them. He sat in the nosebleeds and watched as Shane did his warm up stretches, thinking it was unfair everyone got to see how flexible Shane’s hips were. He hadn’t mentioned seeing it live to Shane, he wanted to surprise him when they got home. 

Ilya couldn’t get over how weird it felt to be here and not be working. He couldn’t stop himself from cringing each time someone spilled something, thinking of how he usually is the person who has to clean it up.

The game started slow, the teams were evenly matched today and each time a player went for a goal the other team would intercept. They were deadlocked through the first period.

It was a rougher game than Ilya had seen from Boston in a while, it almost felt like they had started to target Shane after the first few checks went undefended. Ilya cringed each time Shane was pressed into the boards or checked so hard he was surprised Shane stayed upright. He was already mentally preparing to stop for more ice and ice packs on the way home, wishing he had more ice trays in his freezer, Shane would need more than Ilya’s single measly ice pack could help with after this game. 

Shane was furious. He could picture Ilya at home cursing out the Montreal defenders each time Shane took an unnecessary check. It didn’t seem like Boston cared that Shane was repeatedly left undefended. It helped him add to his fury, being targeted was infuriating, but not as infuriating as the thoughts of how they treated his boyfriend, even if indirectly. 

Shane went into the second period with a ferocious new energy. He scored two goals almost immediately, thinking of the list of complaints Ilya had made and Shane let his anger at them for making Ilya’s life harder fuel his shots. 

The third period started and Shane scored a third goal thinking about how their carelessness led to Ilya having to use his bad knee more, how they were causing him more pain. 

 They were now 3-1. Shane could win this. He would win this. 

He was flying down the ice with the puck, he was a man on a mission. He felt good, he felt strong. He pictured Ilya cheering for him at home and was determined to win this game and get his reward later.

He didn’t see him coming, he only felt the impact. 

A massive body collided into him, he felt his shoulder shift with the hit as he fell towards the ice. The ice got closer as though in slow motion. 

The thwack of bodies colliding roared through the fishbowl. 

Shane hit the ice hard, way too hard. He shouted out in pain as his shoulder flared, a fire burning from the inside. 

He tried to blink the pain away, the ice was cold under him and he shivered, he tried to get up and immediately crumpled back down. The moment he had sat up everything around him swayed, the world spun.

He laid back on the ice and tried to steady his breathing, the lights spun around him. 

Ilya watched in horror as Marleau collided into Shane. Shane hadn’t seen him. Shane couldn’t hear Ilya trying to warn him from the nosebleeds. Shane was down on the ice. Shane wasn’t getting up. 

They were bringing a stretcher. Shane was getting put on a stretcher. 

Fuck. 

Where were they taking Shane? What hospital? What was the hospital they always sent players to again? Fuck. Fuck.

Memorial or general? Fuck. 

Memorial. Definitely memorial. 

Ilya was in their lobby within the next 20 minutes, he wasn’t sure how he had made it so fast, he barely remembered making the trip here.

Now he was frozen.

He couldn’t tell them he was here for Shane. He couldn’t expose them but he had to know Shane was okay. He had to see Shane. 

His hands shook as he pulled out his phone. His breathing was too erratic he had to calm down before he made this call, before he had a full panic attack in this hospital lobby. 

He clicked on the contact Shane had given him if there was ever an emergency. 

Yuna picked up on the first ring.

“Hello? Ilya is that you?” Her voice was slightly panicked. 

“Da, hello Yuna,” that was what she told him to call her, it felt weirdly disrespectful she felt more like Mrs. Hollander but he wouldn’t go against what she asked. 

“I am um, I am here at the hospital but I haven’t spoken to anyone, I don’t think they would let me in to see Shane. I was hoping, I’m sorry to ask but I-“

“Let me call the front desk, I can add you as an approved visitor so you can see Shane. Please let us know how he is, they haven’t called with his results but said he was taken to x-ray’s immediately.”

Ilya promised to update her and waited a moment, watching the front desk person speak to someone on the phone before approaching and checking in for Shane. 

He was still being examined, they would let him know when he could have visitors. 

It felt like forever before someone came to relieve him of of the uncomfortable plastic chair he had felt glued to.

“You were here for Hollander?” Ilya practically jumped up. He followed the nurse to Shane’s room. 

“Is he okay?” 

“I can’t discuss specific medical information, but he will be fine.” 

Ilya nodded. When they got to Shane’s room she stopped him before he opened the door. 

“He is currently on some pain medication and may appear a bit out of it, just as a warning.” 

Ilya nodded before opening the door. He was careful to shut it behind him. The lights in the room were dim, Shane laid on the bed looking so small. His arm was pinned in place with an elaborate sling. His face was bruised around his eyes, across his nose, probably from when he hit the ice. 

He couldn’t believe his hockey player boyfriend looked so small. 

His eyes opened slowly, taking in the room, scanning it until they landed on Ilya’s face and a lazy smile spread across his lips. 

“Ilyaaaa.” Shane called. He raised his good arm up an reached out to him. 

“Shane.” Ilya rushed to take the hand and stand next to his bed. He pushed Shane’s hair out of his forehead. 

“You really scared me.” Ilya spoke softly, reverently, he couldn’t get the image of Shane hitting the ice out of his head. He had been so so scared, what if something was seriously wrong? What if he couldn’t play again? What if-

“I’m sorry.” Shane broke him from his spiral. He looked so disappointed with himself. 

“Shanya, do not apologize, is not your fault. Is that fucking idiot Marleau’s fault, I wish I could have flattened him out for you.” He ran his hand through Shane’s hair, Shane must hate the feeling of it, now dried with sweat from the game. 

“But you look so upset. I hate seeing you sad, I don’t want to ever make you sad.” Shane pouted, he spoke with a slight slur. 

“I love you Shanya, I am only sad because you are in pain. I wish I could take it all away from you, I would lie in that bed happily if you didn’t have to.” 

“I love you too, but no, I would be too sad if you were hurt.” He pouted again. 

“Gimme kiss.” Shane demanded but spoke in a way mimicking Ilya. 

It made it made Ilya laugh, he leaned in and gave Shane a soft kiss. 

“What was wrong, lyubyuv, they wouldn’t tell me.”

Shane sighed, “Minor concussion, bruised ribs, and minor shoulder tear. I’m out for about 4 weeks.”

Fuck. 

Ilya had said as much. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry Shane, it could have been worse, I am glad is not more serious.” 

“Me too.” Shane said softly. His grip tightened on Ilya’s hand. 

“Lay with me?” He begged Ilya. Ilya couldn’t refuse him, but was scared to hurt him. 

“Will I fit?” Suddenly Shane was making room. Ilya nestled himself aside from Shane, partly off the bed but happy to be cuddled into Shane. Shane’s warmth was finally helping his heart slow down. 

Shane was okay. Shane was okay. Shane was okay.

They laid there for a while, Shane asked Ilya to look up the final score before falling asleep. 

Ilya was happy to lay with Shane. He wasn’t sure when visiting hours ended but had to assume they were close. 

The door opened and Ilya didn’t have time to move. Shane stirred at the sound and opened his eyes slowly. Hayden and JJ were standing just inside the room. Their faces were a mix of shock and confusion after finding Shane not alone in this bed. 

The lights were too bright when Shane opened his eyes, the light from the hall felt blinding. He wanted to yell at them to shut the door. Shane’s head was pounding too much, he wasn’t in the right headspace for this conversation. 

They weren’t supposed to find out this way. 

I wanted to tell them. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Hayden practically barked at Ilya. Ilya flinched and made to get up but Shane anchored him to the bed. 

“Don’t leave.” Shane begged in a half whisper to Ilya that everyone could hear. He probably thought he was saying it to just Ilya. 

Ilya watched the confusion spread across Shane’s teammates faces. Fuck. There was no getting out of this.

Maybe it was the medications coursing through his veins, but right now Shane didn’t care. If they hated him they hated him, he was proud of his amazing boyfriend who was here comforting him. They should know who he is. Everyone should. 

“Hayden, this is my Ilya.” A smile spread across Shane’s face, “my boyfriend.” 

“Boyfriend?!” JJ asked, voice too loud it made Shane wince. Ilya gave him a murderous glare for causing his boyfriend pain. 

To JJ’s credit he had a sheepish expression after watching Shane wince, and in a softer tone, “You have a? You’re?” It was like JJ was afraid to say the word. 

Shane was slurred as he said, “You weren’t supposed to find out this way, I was supposed to make sure you wouldn’t hate me.” Shane was being more honest than he normally was. Ilya needed to make sure he wouldn’t say anything he regrets.

“Shane, we would never- I’m sorry if we made you feel like you couldn’t tell us.” JJ said. Hayden just stood there in shock. 

His mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally found the words. 

“Ilya is the special someone?” Hayden’s voice was strained as he spoke.

Shane nodded and then winced from the movement, he had to remember not to move his head. 

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I wanted to tell you.” Shane looked like he was going to cry. Ilya brushed a hand over his arm to soothe him. 

“Is okay, Shanya, you were on your own timeline, there was no rush to tell anyone.” He whispered to reassure Shane. Shane did relax a bit. He gave a glare to the two men, a warning not to upset Shane further. 

“Are you okay?” JJ asked refusing to look at Ilya, eyes set too determinedly on Shane.

“He has a small tear and a small concussion, will be scoring you goals again by playoffs.” Ilya answered for Shane, wishing he could make this easier if he could. 

“That’s good.” JJ grumbled and then froze as he took in Ilya’s face. 

“Wait-”

Fuck. He recognized him. 

“Don’t you work for the Raiders?” 

Suddenly recognition flashed across Hayden’s face. 

“Holy fuck, yeah, you’re on the facilities team aren’t you?” Hayden asked accusatorily. 

“Da.” Ilya looked down. Shane cuddled into him closer. 

“Be nice to my boyfriend.” Shane spoke in a slurred warning.

Hayden opened his mouth and closed it again, apparently thinking better of it. 

“We didn’t mean to bother you, we just wanted to make sure you were okay. Maybe we could talk when you are feeling better.” Hayden spoke in a measured tone. 

“Yeah, let’s do that.” Shane said and shut his eyes, he was starting to get tired. 

“We’ll get out of your way, we’re glad you’re okay Shane.” JJ said. The two of them practically ran out of the room, Ilya cuddled himself into Shane closer once they were gone.

“I am sorry they found out like that, Shanya, but I think you will be okay with them. They will not tell.” Ilya realized they hadn’t asked them to not tell. Maybe Ilya should text Yuna so she can threaten them, she was scarier. 

He decided he would do that later, hoping he wasn’t too late with it but needing to soak in all of the Shane time. 

Eventually, a nurse came in and kicked Ilya out. He told Shane he loved him before leaving, making sure the nurse couldn’t hear him. He would have kissed Shane too but didn’t want to expose them any further. Shane looked so sad as he left. He hated it. 

He knew it was too late but felt like he should call her, so he dialed Yuna’s number for the walk home. He explained the situation carefully, Yuna was quick to jump into action saying she would talk to the boys and asked Ilya to let her know what they want to do for Shane’s recovery.

Ilya hated going home alone. He hated sleeping in his bed alone. He was supposed to have Shane in it, tonight. That fucking Marleau. 

Ilya slept fitfully and was thankful when 6am rolled around. He made a Shane-approved meal he planned to bring his injured boyfriend, showered, and got ready all in record time. 

The hospital was more empty this morning, he checked in and walked to Shane’s room, bag slung over his shoulder. Shane would probably get discharged soon, he had clothes for him and the breakfast he made. 

He found an asleep Shane when he walked into the room. He sat in the chair next to him and watched him sleep. His bruises were darker, he somehow looked tired even while sleeping. 

It was less than half an hour before Shane shifted, Ilya saw the wince across his face, closed eyes scrunching as he rearranged before opening. 

“Good morning, solynyshko.”

“Ilya.” Shane breathed out. “You’re here.”

“Da.” The slur was gone from his voice, he seemed more himself, but also more in pain. Once again Ilya wished he could absorb it all from him and take it for himself. His Shane didn’t deserve to ever be in pain. 

“Do you remember what happened?”

“Marleau hit me in the game, they sent me to the hospital.” Shane answered slowly, his face scrunched in concentration as if he was answering as he searched for the memories. His face dropped.

“Hayden and JJ…” Shane half whispered. 

Ilya crossed to him and brushed back his hair. “I’m sorry, Shanya, I know you wanted to tell them yourself.” 

“I can’t believe they- I should have just told Hayden a few weeks ago, I almost did, fuck.” Shane closed his eyes and winced. 

“Do not stress solynyshko, you will hurt that beautiful head even more. It will be okay.” He wasn’t actually sure if it would be, but he needed Shane to stop frowning so deeply.

“Have you talked to anyone? Do you know when you can leave?” Ilya asked as he brushed his knuckles across his freckles. 

“Someone came in a while ago, I’m not supposed to travel for at least a week but they can discharge me in a bit.” 

“Stay with me. I will look after you.” Ilya looked into those eyes he loved, they looked up at him filled with adoration. It wasn’t a question to him, he would take care of Shane. A whole week together would be nice, he hated this is how they had to get it. 

“You really want me to stay with you? But I won’t be able to do anything, I- I’m useless right now.” Shane looked down at his bedding. Ilya tipped his face up to force him to look af him.

“You are never ever useless Shanya. Never. Of course I want you to stay with me. I want to take care of you and make you feel better, please let me.” Ilya brushed the softest kiss ever to his forehead. 

“Okay. If- if you’re sure.” 

It was a bit of a hassle to get Shane out of the hospital without anyone noticing them. Ilya ended up roping in Sveta, he drove her car and had her escort Shane out of the hospital into it, both going into the backseat. If there were any photos of Shane leaving the hospital it would be with a beautiful woman, not Ilya. 

Shane had never been happier to be inside Ilya’s apartment, he’d come to see it as a second home. He was excited to use his favorite glass and plate, which Ilya had noticed Shane always picked for himself if given then opportunity and now served Shane exclusively with them. He was excited to sit on his side of the couch, on his side of the bed. He was excited to shower with Ilya. God he needed to fucking shower.

Ilya had gone up first, Sveta had walked Shane up and dropped him off. Ilya gave her a quick hug and thanked her for helping before leaving. 

“We should call your mom, Shanya. Tell her the plan to stay, have her tell the team something. Maybe she can talk to Hayden and JJ, make sure they don’t say anything until you are feeling better to talk to them?”

“I- fuck. Yeah we should call my mom, I think I will talk to Hayden and JJ tomorrow. I don’t want to wait too long but I can’t today.” 

“Okay, we call your mom today, do you- should I step outside while you call?”

Fuck. Maybe he should. Shane would have to do this on speaker to help with the volume and he couldn’t trust what his mom would say. He didn’t want Ilya to stand in the fucking hall though. He would just have to handle his mom. 

Fuck this was making his head hurt worse. He wanted to sit down but he felt so gross.

“Can we shower first?” Shane asked, hating how whiny it came out.

Ilya came rushing over and cupped Shane’s face in his hands, “Of course we can Shanya.” He kissed him, finally able to now safe in his apartment. Shane kissed him back softly at first but then deeper, he brought his hands up to thread his fingers through Ilya’s hair. 

Ilya did the same and Shane was suddenly hit with how dirty his must be. He pulled back and Ilya gave him a too knowing look, this man saw right through him and Shane loved it.

“Let’s go shower, solynyshko.” Ilya said softly. 

He led Shane to the shower, carefully helped him out of his clothes and set the sling on his couch, he’d make a note to buy a second one and wash it, Shane would hate that he can’t wash this one without taking it off for too long. 

Once out, Ilya helped Shane dress. Shane refused to look at Ilya while Ilya had to help him dress and put on the strap. Ilya hated that Shane was self-conscious for needing help. He absolutely hated it.

When Shane was dressed Ilya led him over to the couch and bundled him with blankets, dropped a soft kiss into his hair and went to start lunch so Shane could take some pain meds, he was wincing too much for Ilya’s comfort.

Shane was quiet as he ate and took his pills. Ilya wondered if he was still tired. 

“We need to call your mom, but do you want to take a nap after, solynyshko? I can cuddle you to sleep?” He kept his voice soft, not wanting to hurt Shane any further. He knew a bit about managing a concussion, he could take good care of Shane. He would be sure of it.

Shane kept his eyes on his lap. “I’m sorry.” His voice was too weak, Ilya had never heard him sound so small.

He pushed in and wrapped an arm carefully around Shane to avoid hurting him but to give him as much comfort as he should. 

“Solynyshko you have nothing to be sorry for, why are you apologizing?” Ilya kept his voice in that low, soft register and pressed a soft kiss to Shane’s good shoulder. 

“You’re stuck taking care of me. This was supposed to be your day off and you're stuck here looking after me.” 

“Shanya.” Ilya felt his face fall. “I want to be here, I want every minute I can have with you. I want to take care of you, I love you, I hate seeing you hurt. I want to make it better with whatever I can.”

Shane shut his eyes. “I just feel like such a burden right now.” 

“Oh Shanya,” Ilya brushed a soft kiss to Shane’s jaw, “you are never, ever a burden. Never. You are my solynyshko, never forget.” Shane leaned into Ilya’s touch at the words. 

“I’m just sorry you have to do all of this.” Shane said voice still too small.

“I am not, well I am sorry that you are hurt, but I am happy to help you. I love you so much, I want to make you feel better as much as I can lyubimiy.” 

“Okay.” Shane said finally accepting. “Thank you, I love you too.”

Ilya went to get his phone and brought it back, “I can go step outside, if you want.” Shane didn’t want. He wanted Ilya close, he would just have to pray his mom didn’t say anything out of line.

She answered on the second ring. Ilya immediately turned down the volume of the speaker phone after Shane winced as his moms voice filled the apartment, dripping with concern. 

“Hello? Ilya?” 

“Hi Yuna, I am with Shane we are at my apartment. He is okay.” Ilya looked at Shane, hoping for him to jump in.

“I’m okay, Mom, Ilya’s taking really good care of me.” Shane watched the slow blush that spread across Ilya’s cheeks at that, Shane reached over and squeezed Ilya’s good knee. 

“I’m relieved to hear you sound so good Shane, they already discharged you? Why aren’t you coming home?”

“Um, well I probably will eventually but, I’m not supposed to travel for a week so I am staying at Ilya’s.” Shane spoke a little sheepishly, he was worried his mom would argue and try to drive down to get him. 

“I promise to take very good care of him.” Ilya followed. 

“Oh, well, um, okay honey. Are you sure he’s okay to stay there Ilya? I don’t want to take advantage of your kindness and he probably needs a lot of help right now…”

“Is no trouble, I am happy to take care of Shanya.” Ilya spoke sincerely. He took Shane’s hand and squeezed it as he did. 

“I’m okay here, mom. We can figure out when and how I’ll get back to Montreal or if I’ll come stay in Ottawa with you guys until I’m better, but for now I’m happy to stay with Ilya. I know I probably can’t stay too much longer after I’m cleared for travel or it will look weird.” Shane grimaced at that, Ilya squeezed his hand again, Shane melted in the comfort of it. 

“Well okay, Shane, if you’re sure.” It didn’t sound like Yuna was sure but Shane was an adult, she would have to trust him Shane decided. “Have you spoken to anyone on the team?” His mom asked softly. 

“Um, sort of, Hayden and JJ came to visit me and saw us.” Shane curled in on himself as he said it, Ilya ran a soothing brush down his arm. 

“Oh, well, do I need to talk to them?” Yuna sounded ready to defend. Ilya liked that about her. 

“No, I will talk to them tomorrow probably, but can you talk to the team, let them know my timeline and plan to stay until I’m cleared to travel. Tell them I have an old friend in town or something.”

“Yeah I can deal with the team honey, you just focus on getting better. Let me know if I need to talk to those boys if I need to, I’m not having anyone mess up your plan Shane.” 

Fuck his plan. Would New York still want him now that he’s injured? Fuck.

“Do you-” he was scared to ask. “Do you think New York will change their minds.”

“You aren’t out for the rest of the season, you can come back strong and finish, you should be fine we just need to make sure to get you back on the ice in full force as soon as we can.” 

Shane didn’t want to rush his recovery, but knew she was right. He saw Ilya make a face, he would have to talk about it later. Ilya also wouldn’t like the idea of him bouncing back too quickly, but he had to make sure New York wanted him. 

“Okay, thank you mom. I will talk to you later, love you.” 

“Love you too, Shane. Keep me updated on how you’re feeling. And thank you Ilya, for taking care of him.”

“Of course, I am happy to.” 

They hung up and Ilya set his medication timers for Shane. 

“Let’s take a nap, come on,” Ilya moved and Shane let him help him off the couch and onto the bed. God he was tired. 

As he sunk into Ilya’s too soft mattress, Shane could feel his eyelids growing immediately heavy. He reached up and pulled Ilya in closer, needing his warmth and comfort. 

Ilya nestled himself around Shane the best he could, holding him as he felt Shane’s breaths even out. 

“Love you,” Shane said half slurred and Ilya whispered it back and watched Shane drift back. Ilya was happy to lay there and just hold him. He eventually let himself drift into a nap too. 

He was awoken by his alarm. Shane needed his next round of meds. He heard Shane groan against him. 

“I am sorry, Shanya, we can go back to sleep soon, you need your medicine.”

Ilya got up quickly, he heated up some food Shane to take with his pills and helped Shane move to the couch to eat. 

“I wish we could watch a movie or something.” Shane said as Ilya finished helping him settle into the couch. 

“Maybe we should listen to a book or a podcast? Would that be too much?” Ilya asked from the stove.

Shane’s heart clenched at the care in Ilya’s voice, and the thoughtfulness of the suggestion. 

“Yeah, let’s try an audiobook.”

They ended up choosing one that Hayden had been reading on plane, it turned out to be more of a romance than either of them expected and they were left surprised at Hayden’s choice of books.

As they settled back into bed later, Ilya couldn’t help but ask, “Did you know Hayden was reading soft porn on the team plane? Do you think he uses those moves from the book with Jackie?” 

The seriousness of Ilya’s face as he asked was unbearablly funny, Shane couldn’t help laughing and then immediately regretted it because it brought a new wave of pounding to his skull.

Now Ilya’s beautiful face was a mask of concern. Shane had to fix that. “I didn’t, I can’t believe he was, it’s really not what I expected from him,” Shane had to stifle the giggle he felt rising up as he thought back to the ‘throbbing loins’ Hayden had appeared to have been way too invested in on the plane. 

They went to sleep slowly, finding a careful position for them to lay as close as possible without risking to hurt Shane’s shoulder, which left them with Ilya basically wrapped around Shane as he laid on his back. Shane loved the weight of Ilya’s limbs strewn across him. 

Shane was awoken the next day by another alarm and Ilya groaning as he moved next to him. Ilya stood slowly, and Shane watched as he limped to the counter, bringing Shane a banana and his pills and a water. 

“You shouldn’t have slept like that.” Shane regretted it as soon as it came out, he had loved having Ilya like that but watching him hobble around in pain now was not worth it. He never wanted to see Ilya in pain, he knew Ilya felt the same about him. 

“Is fine, nothing too bad.” Ilya said and winced as he climbed back in bed. Shane huffed out an “uh huh,” and reached to nestle into Ilya’s side. 

“I have to go to work in an hour, I don’t want to leave you here. I wish I could call out.” Ilya snuggled tighter into Shane, “Will you be okay while I’m gone? I will give you meds before and be back in about 6 hours?” 

Shane gave a soft, “Yes,” and enjoyed the few minutes he had to cuddle his boyfriend before Ilya was pulling them both up. He got dressed and ready first then helped Shane change and get ready, he made them a small breakfast and sat as close to Shane as he could while they ate. They listened to more of Hayden’s book which Ilya swore was mostly porn but couldn’t deny he liked the plot so far. 

He made sure Shane was set up comfortably on the couch, he had made a little lunch and set it in the fridge for Shane to reheat and left him with a full glass of water, a ginger ale, and his pills on the small table next to the couch and made sure Shane was well bundled in blankets. 

He had Shane wrapped like a burrito and placed gave him a wet kiss on the cheek, Shane pretended to act annoyed by it but Ilya could see the corners of his mouth fighting the smile. 

“I will be back so soon, you can just rest and I have lunch for you to heat up so you should be okay. I wish I could stay all day and look after you.” 

Shane chuckled. “I’m not sure I could move to do anything but rest if I wanted to,” he struggled against his burrito some and laughed. Ilya gave him another cheek kiss becusss he looked so cute all wrapped up. The bruising around his eyes was darker, but his eyes themselves looked brighter than they had yesterday. Ilya only hoped Shane really was starting to feel better. 

Shane smoothed a line in Ilya’s forehead, he hadn’t realized he was making a concerned face until Shane did that and spoke softly, “I will be okay, the doctors instructions said I don’t need 24-hour monitoring anymore, that was only through yesterday. I’ll be okay on my own you have me set up nicely, thank you Mishka.” 

Ilya’s cheeks reddened and his smile widened at the nickname, Shane so rarely used them compared to Ilya’s constant deluge of loving nicknames for Shane.  

“Okay, you should be okay,” he looked around the room and eyes widened when he saw something and raced over to retrieve it. He came back to Shane holding Shane’s phone. 

“You are not supposed to have screen time,” Ilya adjusted the brightness, “but if you need something you can call me so I will leave this here with you just in case,” his eyes widened, “Oh! Here, these will help if you do use it,” Ilya crossed to his closet rack and found a hanger with odd items strewn on it, pulled sunglasses off a belt and brought them over to Shane. 

Shane took them and placed them next to his phone, “Thank you, Ilya.” He found to free his good arm from the cocoon he was trapped in and then reached it out to Ilya, who took it and squeezed. He looked around the room again, Shane knew he was stalling and normally wouldn’t mind more time but he didn’t need Ilya getting in trouble for being late. “Go, I will be okay, and I’ll be right here when you get back.” 

“I already can’t wait to get back home to you,” Ilya said and pressed a soft kiss to Shane’s hair. “Let me know if you need me, I will say emergency and leave, it will be fine.” 

“Okay.” Shane said quietly, knowing he would never pull Ilya from work. “I’ll see you in a few hours.” Shane said softly. 

Ilya left for work and hated every minute of it, he realized half way through the day that he was supposed to have practice with his team and Troy tonight. He found Troy cleaning one of the guest bathrooms and told him he couldn’t make it this week. When Troy asked why Ilya froze for a moment, he took a split second to decide he could be truthful and vague, “My partner is not well, needs someone to look after them, I’m sorry.”

Troy seemed to clock the use of partner, his eyes widened a fraction as Ilya said it. “Oh, man I’m sorry, of course, let me know when they’re feeling better.” Ilya picked up in the ‘they,’ he thought for a another split second and images of Troy laughing at something Harris said, the way Troy’s eyes light up when they look at Harris, they way Troy blushes when Harris throws him a compliment. Ilya had noticed that Troy always jumped at opportunities to work near Harris’s office. It was so painfully obvious to Ilya that Troy was interested, he wondered if Troy was struggling like Shane had, and still was, to accept himself. 

Ilya decided that maybe Troy needed a friend who was like him. It was a risk, but it wasn’t outting Shane or their relationship, just himself. 

“Thank you, he feels bad I will have to miss, he likes the stories from our practices.” Ilya spoke softly, tracking Troy’s face for any sign that he had been wrong, that Troy wasn’t safe. When he didn’t find any he sighed internally with relief. 

“We’ll make sure you have some good ones for him after next practice,” Troy said and clapped Ilya on the shoulder. Ilya moved to continue with his work, chest feeling a little lighter. 

Ilya stopped and got groceries and flowers for Shane on the way home. He came into the apartment holding too many bags and trying not to crush his flowers. He saw Shane still bundled on the couch, his knees were pulled up to his chest and his eyes looked a bit red and puffy. 

Ilya dropped all of the groceries and came to kneel in front of him. He hated seeing Shane look upset. 

Shane’s eyes met his slowly, Ilya watched the tears pooling his eyes and the way his lip wobbled. 

“What is wrong Solynyshko, are you in pain? Did you eat lunch and take the medicines?”

Shane took a shaky breath and shook his head. 

“I- No, I’m okay, I just,” he took another deep breath, trying to center himself. Ilya ran his hands up Shane’s legs in a comforting motion and stayed crouched in front of Shane. 

“I spoke to Hayden and JJ today, it was just a lot.” His voice was shaky, Ilya could hear how much emotion he was trying to hold back. 

“Why don’t you join me, we can shower together, you feel better once you are clean?” Shane nodded and Ilya rushed to put the groceries away and threw the flowers in the vase he thrifted. Shane blushed when he noticed the flowers.

Ilya helped him off the couch and out of his clothes before removing his own and brought them into the shower where he quickly washed work off himself and then began slowly, delicately washing every part of Shane with as much gentleness as he could. Shane was sluggish in his movements and didn’t protest as Ilya lifted his arms or turned him to clean him better, Ilya didn’t like how catatonic Shane was acting. 

When Shane was clean Ilya, pulled them so they were both getting as much shower spray as possible. He watched the droplets slide down Shane’s face, accentuating his cheek and dropping off his jaw. Ilya followed one of the drops with his finger, touching it so lovingly and softly. He saw the tension loosen slightly from Shane’s shoulders.

“Do you want to talk about it, solynyshko?” Ilya asked softly, running his hands through Shane’s wet hair in soothing motions, he hoped the hot water and steam was helping Shane’s nerves as much as his touch could. 

Shane nodded, “not in here,” he said softly. Ilya led them from the shower, helped towel and dress Shane before slipping into his own clothes. He led them to the bed, letting Shane settle down  and find a comfortable position before wrapping his body around Shane, if it wasn’t for his bruised ribs and shoulder Ilya would have laid on top of him, this would have to do for now. 

“They weren’t great.” Shane said barely above a whisper. 

“About you being gay?” Ilya asked, he hoped his voice didn’t show the fear there. 

“Not- Not about that, um-” he took a heavy sigh, “they weren’t happy I was with someone um, someone who-” Shane couldn’t seem to find the words but Ilya knew, he knew exactly what Shane was saying. They didn’t want Shane to have a loser boyfriend who was a janitor for an opposing team and ruined Shane’s image by mere association. Shane was a hockey player, hockey players had rich, famous partners reported with them, not facilities techs with shit knees. 

The conversation played back in Shane’s mind.

He had just finished the lunch Ilya had left for him and taken his medications and bundled himself back into the sofa, putting on Ilya’s sunglasses to open his phone and make the call. He felt stupid wearing the glasses but he honestly needed them, the screen was blinding to look at without them and Shane liked wearing anything of Ilya’s when he could. 

They weren’t particularly nice sunglasses, they seemed older, a more vintage style, had a few scratches on them. Shane wondered if Ilya had bought them or if they came with him from Russia, they looked old enough to be from there and they were a nicer brand than anything Shane had seen Ilya own clothing/accessory wise. Maybe he thrifted them? 

The phone rang a few times before both guys joined the call. 

Shane wasn’t sure how to start this, it was really more a conversation

He had called them both. The room filled with the tenseness from the call. They both answered quickly. 

“Hey guys, um thanks for coming to visit me.” Shane started, he wasn’t sure how to do this. There wasn’t an easy way to explain his secret boyfriend and being gay and why he hadn’t told his best friends. 

“We just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Hayden’s voice was tight, Shane couldn’t tell if there was an edge of hurt behind it or if that was something else. 

“Oui, we were checking on our friend.” JJ overstressed the word friend. He was clearly upset.

“I- I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you guys, I was scared, you know the comments people make in the league and I just wasn’t sure if you guys would be okay with, um with-” fuck why was saying it so hard? He took a breath to steady his voice and nerves, “with me being gay.”

There was a pause that felt like it lasted an eternity. Shane imagined a million scenarios them yelling slurs at him and telling him they were disgusted to have been his friend, them saying they are going to tell the rest of the team. Saying how dare he deceive them, how dare he let them change together all these years, how dare he hide this from them. 

Shane imagined his whole world burning in too many different scenarios in the time it took for one of them to speak. It was Hayden. 

“Shane, we don’t care that you’re gay, I wish you had told me. I thought I was your best friend.”

“Hey-“ JJ said. 

“And I just thought we were closer than that, I thought you knew me better than that, I would never hate you for this.” Hayden sounded genuinely hurt. Fuck. Shane was so fucking stupid. Of course he had known Hayden was accepting, he had known it but he couldn’t forget the few times he’d made close comments to some of the other guys. 

“Same Shane, I would never hate you for being gay, I’m just pissed you didn’t tell us. And pissed you let me waste my time trying to set you up.”

“Oh my god, yes! Do you know how annoyed Jackie was getting that Shane shut down all of her suggestions, she wants more couple friends.” 

They both laughed. Shane felt the weight in his chest lift a little. 

“Thank you guys.” 

“Of course, Shane, and now that we know we can find you a nice boy in Montreal,” Hayden said. 

Shane felt a knife twist in his gut at the words. JJ joined in, “Yes we can find you some doctor or lawyer to be with, you don’t need to date some Raiders janitor.” 

“I mean, seriously Shane, with anyone you could date you somehow pick someone who works for the Raiders?” Hayden asked.

“You are a hockey player Shane, you could have anyone you don’t need to settle for-”

“Guys. Stop.” Shane spoke sternly. “I appreciate that you guys are cool with me being- with me being gay. My boyfriend and I are serious, he’s really important to me, I don’t want to dump him to find some stupid doctor, there is no one better for me. God you guys sound like my fucking mom…” Shane let himself trail off, not sure what to say.

“Shane he works for the Raiders, how do you know he’s not just dating you to give them insider information?” JJ asked and Shane wanted to throw his phone across the room. Seriously? Ilya didn’t even work CLOSE to the team what the fuck?

“Ilya doesn’t have anything to do with the team, he works for the stadium, he couldn’t tell me anything about their practices and would never be able to tell them anything if he wanted to, which he would never. You guys don’t know him-“

“Shane,” Hayden sounded a bit exasperated, “he’s one of the guys who cleans the locker rooms, like- don’t you want someone better?” 

“Oui Capitane, you do not need to settle for someone like him we can find you someone actually in your league-“ 

“ENOUGH.” Raising his voice made his head scream at him, he had to settle back into the couch to avoid getting dizzy. These were his friends. His friends who didn’t mind the fact he was gay, he should be fucking ecstatic the fear plaguing him for months that they wouldn’t accept him wasn’t founded but now he realizes he should have been more afraid of them not accepting Ilya. 

“I can’t believe you guys. I- You know what maybe this is why I didn’t want to tell you guys about me, maybe it was better when you didn’t know because at least then you weren’t shitting on my boyfriend. I love Ilya, you guys don’t even know him, he is the best person for me, he’s the only person in my league there’s no one else. I can’t believe you guys would-“ Shane was so angry he couldn’t even speak. 

“You know what? Thanks for not hating that I’m gay, please don’t tell anyone, I’m done with this right now. We’ll talk when you guys can stop acting like pretentious dicks.”

Shane hung up and sobbed. 

Shane looked at Ilya, he tried to find something to say to soften the truth, or find a way to avoid it for now. He couldn’t tell Ilya that they had accepted Shane but not him. 

“Oh.” Ilya said so softly Ilya could read it on Shane’s face. His friends didn’t think Ilya was good enough. Ilya knew he wasn’t, he hated that every person in Shane’s life seemed to realize it too but Shane continued to deny it blindly. 

“They don’t know you, they don’t have a right to say anything, they’re just- fuck they just-“” 

Ilya cut him off, “they are just worried about you, and they want the best for you, I understand.” Ilya said softly. He hated that he wasn’t good enough Shane, he hated how easily everyone in Shane’s life could see that. Why couldn’t Shane? 

“You are what’s best for me, they just can’t see that yet.” Shane said sternly. Shane felt the way Ilya tensed up against him. He didn’t want to tell Ilya about what his friends had said, he didn’t want to cause a repeat from the dinner with his parents, he didn’t want to have Ilya shaking in fear tonight because the actions of his father are brought fresher from the rejection by Shane’s friends. 

Fuck. Shane thought back to the conversation. He had called them together, a group call to make shit easier, he had hoped. Instead he left himself open to being ganged up on, to having them pile on Ilya together. 

Shane brought his hands up to cup Ilya’s face and pulled him in for a gentle kiss. “You are the best person for me. You’re the only person in my league, the only person I want to be.”

Ilya melted into Shane’s touch and at Shane’s words.

“Okay.” He said softly and let Shane pull him in and stroke his fingers through Ilya’s curls. Ilya hummed in response. 

They laid there for a while before Ilya was brave enough to ask. “Do they hate me? Do you think they will always hate me?” 

Shane wasn’t sure if they did or if they would. He wanted to say no. 

“If they do, then they were never my friends.” His voice was soft but steady, he brushed back Ilyas's curls and gave him a small kiss on the jaw. 

Ilya settled back into Shane but he knew that voice was back. The one he thought he had silenced. 

Shane’s friends see it, they see how worthless I am, how much better off he would be without me. Shane will see it too. 

Suddenly New York, something Ilya had stupidly let himself believe could be real, was just a dream again. Shane would obviously break up with Ilya once he moved. He would realize he made a mistake, throwing away his life plan for a man who didn’t matter. He would break up with and forget Ilya once he was surrounded by all of the hot men of New York and Ilya would be stuck here cleaning vomit off seats and hobbling home for another 20 years.

Ilya extracted himself from Shane slowly and made his way into the kitchen. “You need to eat.” Was all Ilya said before cooking. 

Shane was quiet. Ilya kept sparing glances at him over his shoulder and each time Shane’s eyes were trained on him. 

Ilya tried to breath out the new tenseness that was forcing his way to muscles out before Shane could notice. He moved methodically to work on the meal for Shane, he tried to keep every thought that invaded his mind away. He was too focused of keeping his father’s voice out he hadn’t heard Shane get up. 

A warm, steady arm wrapped around Ilya’s center. Ilya felt his throat tighten. 

“I’m sorry.” Shane’s voice was too soft. Ilya felt him rest his forehead on Ilya’s back. 

Shane shouldn’t be apologizing for Ilya being a fuck up. 

“You have nothing to-“

“I do. I’m sorry everyone is treating you like- I’m sorry for how they are treating you. You deserve better than that.”

No he didn’t, Ilya wanted to argue. “Is okay, Shanya.” Ilya said softly. He felt Shane’s arms squeeze tighter around him. 

“It’s not, I don’t- I don’t want to lie to you about them but they are being just- Everyone is just-“” 

Ilya sighed, “they just want the best for you.” 

“Then they should want you, you are the best for me” Shane said into Ilya’s back. Ilya leaned into him a bit. 

“You are the best person for me. You’re it for me.” Shane’s voice was so soft.

Ilya sucked in a breath.

Shane kept going, “You are the best person for me. The only person.” 

Ilya wanted that to be true but when every person in Shane’s life seemed to think otherwise, it was hard to believe it. 

Ilya turned to face Shane. Shane moved his arm to cradle Ilya’s neck. 

“I love you. Soon everyone will see how good you are for me. We just have to get to New York.” Shane said trying not to worry about this but ruining New York. Which was now at jeopardy. Shane had to get back on the ice. He had to finish the season strong.

New York. When would Shane change his mind about Ilya and New York? Ilya turned back to the stove. 

“Okay.”

They moved quietly throughout the rest of the evening. Ilya got up and ready for work, barely spoke 2 words before kissing Shane and going off to work. 

Shane watched him leave and felt the rock grow in his guts. He had to fix this. If only his head wasn’t still pounding and his stupid shoulder and ribs weren’t killing him each time he tried to move. His meds weren’t keeping him cloudy anymore, but he didn’t feel well enough to actually do anything. 

Shane thought back to the times Ilya’s thoughts had slipped from his head in the past few months. The things he had said at the cottage, the way he had felt about himself. 

“I’m not good, I’m not worth it, you- you cannot want more with me. I am nothing, I have nothing for you, why would you want me?”

He thought back to after the dinner with his parents. 

“Everyone would be better off without me.”

Shane wanted to rip his heart out of his chest and give it to Ilya to show him how serious Shane was about him, to show him how worthy he was of love. How worthy he was of everything good and beautiful in the world. 

Shane wondered if Ilya was maybe a bit like his mom. He was worried that without anyone to care about him, maybe Ilya would reach the same end. 

In that moment Shane knew he would do anything, anything to prevent that. 

If Ilya didn’t think he was worthy then Shane would show him. 

Fuck the league. Fuck his team. Fuck his friends. 

Fuck waiting until he was safe in New York. If Ilya was serious about leaving Boston, they could go to any team if Shane had too. If Shane had to give up hockey, he would. It would probably kill him a bit, but losing Ilya would actually kill him. It would destroy him. It would eviscerate every part of Shane’s soul until he was just a husk moving through the world. 

Shane made his plan. It was stupid, impossibly stupid, probably career suicide, but it was perfect for his chaotic Russian. Shane just had to wait a tiny bit longer until he could make it happen. 

Until then, he would shower Ilya with so much love and affection that Ilya would never hesitate that Shane loved him and wanted a life with him. 

Shane ate the lunch Ilya had left him, taken his meds which were another dosage down. He settled back onto the couch and put on his Russian language podcast. 

Trying to learn Russian was only making his head hurt worse, but he wasn’t allowed to do much else and he wanted to be able to have full conversations with Ilya in Russian as soon as he could. He had picked up the sex words, he knew how to say hello and goodbye and how to talk about travel, which had probably been really basic but actually had been helpful. He was locked into his podcast, repeating phrases in Ilya’s empty apartment when the key turned and suddenly Ilya was slowly stepping into the apartment. 

He was moving a bit sluggish. His jaw was set and his injured leg was moving too stiffly. He was hiding a limp. 

Shane moved to turn off his podcast. Ilya didn’t even make a joke about it. 

His eyes met Shane’s slowly and they were cloudy, looking more grey than Shane had seen them in a long time. 

“Welcome back Mishka.” Shane said softly. 

Ilya’s jaw softened a bit with that.

“I missed you.” Shane said.

“I was only gone like seven hours.” Ilya’s voice was rough as he spoke, the humor in his tone too forced.

“Any amount of time is too long.” Shane said, his voice serious. Ilya’s face softened another fraction. 

“Can I join you in the shower? I’ve been rotting here all day.” 

For a second Shane thought he might actually say no, but then he nodded. 

“Do you need help up?” Ilya asked, Shane heard his accent stronger which meant he was definitely upset. Shane didn’t need help up, but Ilya liked to care for him so much. 

Shane nodded and Ilya came over and helped him off the couch slowly, he also helped Shane out of his sling and his clothes before taking off his own. He was moving a bit less sluggish now much Shane could tell he was forcing it. If Shane wasn’t still in so much pain he would try to do more, to care for Ilya instead. 

Ilya stepped into the spray first and Shane followed him, both splitting the shower spray Shane hooked his good arm around Ilya and pulled him in closer. 

Ilya looked down at him, his eyes a storm. Shane moved his good arm and hooked a knuckle under Ilya’s jaw. 

The storm in Ilya’s eyes shifted, clouds parting slightly. 

Shane pulled him in for a kiss. He kissed like he was practically consuming Ilya. 

Ilya was slow at first but was soon consuming Shane too. Their kiss was hungry, Shane allowed himself to be greedy in it. He devoured Ilya’s soft pink lips and was soon exploring every inch of Ilya’s mouth with his tongue.

When he pulled back Ilya looked down at him and the clouds were almost all gone. Good. 

“How are you feeling, solynyshko?” 

His voice was a bit shaky, “I- I’m sorry I forgot to ask when I came home.”

Shane rushed to respond. “No. Don’t apologize. I’m fine, I’ve been good.” Shane took a breath, allowing a small pause before asking, “how are you? How is your knee?”

Some of the clouds re-entered Ilya’s eyes. Shane gently traced a finger across Ilya’s brow, in the same motion Ilya had done to him to take the crease that would form between Shane’s too easily. 

“Is fine, work was too much.” Ilya answered stiffly.

“We’ll use your heating pad on it later, I wish I could get on mine and kiss it better right now, you’ll have to wait until we sit on the couch.” 

The corners of Ilya’s mouth turned up, just barely. 

“I can wait.”

They finished their shower, Shane made sure Ilya put his heating pad on, and Ilya made them a simple dinner. Shane practically ate his in Ilya’s lap he was sitting so close. When they were finished Ilya washed their dishes and came back to the couch, settling down slowly. Shane carefully pulled Ilya’s legs into his lap and decided fuck the pain as he bent to drop a million kisses to Ilya’s knee. 

When he sat back up Ilya’s eyes were watery. 

“I love you.” Shane said softly. He would say it a million times, he would say it an annoying amount. Ilya needed that. Ilya deserved that. 

“I love you too.” Ilya’s accent was stronger in the way Shane had always adored, but hated when it happened because he was sad. He would prefer to hear it when Ilya was losing his grasp on English because of how good their sex was. Fucking Cliff Marleau. 

He couldn’t even suck Ilya off, he had one good hand but also a concussion. Fuck Marleau.

“Ya tebya lyubyu, Ilya.” Shane said, trying not to worry about how his accent wasn’t perfect yet. 

“Your accent is getting better.” Ilya said, “but not quite there yet.” Ilya finished with a shit-eating grin. Shane thought his heart would explode out of his chest at Ilya being more back to his usual sarcastic asshole self. 

“Shut up,” Shane said giving Ilya a light shove using it to pull himself even closer into his boyfriend. 

They were slow to move to bed, Shane cuddled up as close as he could to Ilya, holding him with his good arm. Shane fell asleep planning for their life in New York, imaging taking Ilya to do all of the touristy things. 

He bet Ilya would look adorable in one of those stupid Statue of Liberty headband things, he was definitely getting him one when they went. Shane finally drifted off to sleep thinking about hanging a picture of them kissing in front of it on their fridge. 

Shane spent the next two days being as lovey and affectionate as he possibly could. He was a koala bear and Ilya was his eucalyptus tree, he was absolutely attached and spent every minute he could devouring his boyfriend. 

They only had a day left now, Shane wanted to stay longer, he honestly didn’t care what anyone said but he had a plan. It was too good of a plan. 

Ilya was off work, but they were still awoken by an alarm because Shane had to take his meds. He hated how Ilya wasn’t able to sleep in because of him, he was determined to pull him back into bed after Ilya had given him his pills and small breakfast. Shane moved to the couch to eat his avocado toast and took his pills quickly, Ilya sat beside him. 

As soon as he was done Shane set his plate on the coffee table and began pulling Ilya back to bed. 

“Come on, I want a bit more sleep.” Shane said pulling Ilya close to him. Melting himself into him. 

“Okay,” Ilya said softly and Shane felt as his breathing slowed and watched Ilya’s face relax. He was asleep ridiculously fast. Shane did his best to follow suit. 

Ilya made them an amazing lunch and they spent the afternoon finishing the book they had started. Ilya had tears in his eyes by the end and Shane wasn’t any different. They cuddled closer on the couch until Ilya had to make them dinner which was amazing, like he usually did.

As Ilya was cleaning their dishes Shane spoke to him softly. “I’m going to talk to my friends when I’m back in Montreal. I already talked to my mom, she does feel really bad and wants to try again, maybe we can do that while I’m staying with them next week?” 

Ilya turned slowly to look at him. He looked lost for words.

“No one is going to make you feel like that again. I won’t let them.” Shane looked directly into those eyes he loved so much as he spoke, pouring every ounce of love into his words he could. 

Ilya nodded, “Thank you.” He said and he turned back to cleaning up from his 5-star meal he had made from them. 

As they cuddled in Ilya’s bed before falling asleep Shane peppered a million kisses across Ilya’s cheeks, until he was honestly giggling and then pulled him in for a soft kiss. 

“I love you.” Shane said. 

“Ya tebya lyubyu.” Ilya responded softly. 

Chapter End Notes

Really want to thank everyone for the comments and kudos, I really appreciate them and honestly is so nice of yall really brightens my day each time I get the notification for one :))

A LOT happens here lol as usual- we be developing things be happening I honesty don’t even know what to talk about first lmao; first Shane injury! Which has finally happened and was always planned omg I was dying and his friends finding out during the hospital was also always planned and tbh this was the scene I was struggling most with since I was so excited for this moment for them- tried writing it too many times so we are where we are maybe I’ll edit that part later but prob not lmao- and also the general like turn of events in this chapter !! (Also yeah I looked up the shoulder injury with the shortest healing time that worked for what I needed here lmao and got distracted reading about shoulder injuries on Webmd lmao)

Also also I guess I should once again note sorry for any mistakes I don’t have my laptop yet (actually just like got one but haven’t set it up yet so TEA next chapter will hopefully be a lil better lol cause I can edit better lmao) and sorry it took a min lol new job is insanely long hours and I hate it and am dying in the sun but it’s fine lmao just makes it harder to write :( alas I persist

Chapter 14: Needed

Chapter Notes

Ahhh sorry this one took so long to get out!! hope it was worth the wait, wanted to add more but felt like yall had waited too long so that will just go in next chapter... as always let me know what you think, sorry for any mistakes :)

Shane spent a week with his parents, it was an interesting week. His mom had driven down to Boston to pick him up. She was overly nice to Ilya the entire time, Shane was glad she was making an effort with him, he felt better about the dinner he planned to have. 

Ilya had days off next Friday and Saturday, so he would be having dinner with Shane and his parents Friday night, then would drive Shane back to Montreal Saturday and fly out from there. It was a really good plan, Shane had to admit, and maximized the amount of time he had with Ilya. 

Shane was counting the minutes until that dinner. His parents were amazing but his mom had taken hovering to another level of helicopter parenting and Shane couldn’t even reach for a glass in the cupboards without her stepping in to do it for him. 

He did appreciate the time he had been able to spend telling them about Ilya. He reiterated every story Ilya had given from his hockey league and every story Svetlana had told about Ilya’s hockey days in their limited interactions. 

His mom seemed to really start to be coming around, she even seemed nervous as she helped dad prepare dinner. Ilya would be arriving at 6:00 exactly. Shane had wanted to go pick him up but Ilya insisted he should uber, there was less chance of anyone seeing them together that way. 

Shane had changed into his favorite sweatshirt, Ilya’s dark green one and a pair of Ilya’s shorts. He was practically pacing around his parents house. His ribs were mostly better by now and his concussion was a lot better as well. His only pain really came from the shoulder tear but his check-ups had been looking good and Shane was hoping to get back on the ice as soon as possible. He knew he shouldn’t rush to play after an injury, but he had to. He just had to. 

He was bouncing off the walls by 5:30. Was pacing the living room by 5:45. The double knock came at 5:57, he was three minutes early. Shane raced to the door and opened it to find a tired looking Ilya. 

“Hi solynyshko.”

“Hi mishka, I missed you!” Shane was pulling him into a one armed hug, the day the stupid sling could go could not come sooner. 

“How are you feeling?” Ilya said as Shane pulled him into the house. Ilya readjusted the strap of his overnight bag as he carefully took off his shoes following Shane’s lead. 

He was nervous to be spending the night here. He didn’t want a repeat of what happened the last time he had dinner with Shane’s parents.

He couldn’t cry in Shane’s parent’s house. He could not have a nightmare. Fuck he really could not have a nightmare tonight. 

“My parents are in the kitchen, let’s put your stuff down and we can join them?” Shane looked back at Ilya for confirmation, Ilya nodded and followed his boyfriend to his childhood bedroom.

He set his bag down on Shane’s old desk chair, and as soon as he turned around Shane was pulling him into a kiss. 

“I really missed you. Too much. I can’t wait until New York.” Shane said as he pulled back, face leaning into the crook of Ilya’s shoulder. 

“I missed you too, the apartment is too empty now that I know what it is like to always have it filled with you.” 

Shane felt his heart expand at the words. He pressed a kiss to Ilya’s jaw. “I love you.” He said softly. 

“I love you too.” Ilya said just as softly, and then in his usual cocky demeanor, “I like your hockey sheets.”

“Shut up.” Shane said, giving him a playful shove. 

“Do they make you dream of shooting pucks?” Ilya asked, pulling Shane into a squeeze and then releasing him. 

Shane laughed, “Come on, let’s go have dinner.” 

Ilya took his hand and tried to release all of the tension from his shoulders as he followed Shane back downstairs. David was tossing a salad in a big wooden bowl and Yuna was sitting on a stool at the counter, they had been mid conversation but it stopped as they boys got closer. 

Yuna jumped up from her chair and hurried over to Ilya. 

“Ilya! It’s so nice to see you again.” She gave him a big smile and pulled him into a quick hug that Ilya was too shocked at to reciprocate. She pulled back and continued to smile at him, he gave her a small smile back. 

David had quickly washed his hands and was now pulling Ilya into a hand shake, holding his forearm with his other hand and looking him in the eyes while offering a warm smile. Ilya tried to loosen himself up as he shook David’s hand, he tried to remember David was the one who had liked him last time. 

Ilya chanted to himself internally David isn’t like my father, Ilya scrambled to remember that he didn’t have to be afraid of him. 

David pulled back and Ilya felt Shane slip a hand around his waist and pull him in. Ilya let himself melt a bit into Shane, needing the comfort. 

Shane saw the tenseness enter Ilya’s shoulders, the way his back jaw was too tight. He knew seeing his parents again would be hard for Ilya. After shaking his dad’s hand he reached out and wrapped his good arm around Ilya pulling him, knowing Ilya needed the touch. He almost sighed as he felt Ilya melt into him. 

“We were just finishing up, it’ll be a few minutes.” David said, returning to his salad. 

“The pork is almost done, same with the pilaf. We hope you eat pork Ilya? We should have checked with Shane.” Yuna said, speaking quickly. Ilya worked harder to translate faster in his head. Usually, he now could translate with ease but he was nervous, his grasp on English felt looser. He prayed he didn’t say the wrong thing by accident. He didn’t need Shane’s mom to think any less of him. 

“I eat pork, sounds good, thank you.” Ilya said, trying to remember all of the things you were supposed to say, trying his best to be the best boyfriend for Shane. 

“Of course, honey. We wanted to thank you for looking after Shane, I don’t think he’s liked staying here half as much.” Yuna said, walking over to run a hand down Shane’s good arm. Shane’s face flushed a bit and Ilya made out the soft grumble of “Mom,” as Shane turned to hide the clear blush forming. 

Ilya wanted to reach out, pull Shane in and kiss his boyfriend’s now rosy cheeks. He settled for offering Shane a wide grin, an exposing grin, one that showed all of the love Ilya had for his beautiful boyfriend. 

Shane gave him a small smile back. 

“Yes, Ilya, thank you.” David said, having moved to pull his dishes from the oven. Ilya broke his eye contact with Shane to tell David it was nothing. 

“Was more than nothing, son.” David said, playing his dishes. 

“Can I help with anything?” Ilya asked, wanting to be a good enough boyfriend, a good enough house guest, just good enough to be here. 

“No, no, you and Shane sit, we’ll handle it all.” Yuna said, moving to grab glasses from the cabinet. 

“I know Shane can’t drink, but would you like a glass of wine, Ilya.” Ilya hesitated, and Yuna quickly supplied, “David and I will have one too, we already have a bottle open.” Ilya then gave a small nod and thanked her as she brought him a glass. 

David brought the food over and gestured for Ilya to serve himself first. He looked to Yuna and she just handed him the serving fork, so he plated himself two pieces of pork, some salad, and a decent chunk of pilaf because he loved carbs. 

“Everything looks great,” Ilya said as he turned to Shane. 

“Help, Shanya?” Ilya asked, knowing this would not be an easy task for Shane with one hand. Shane gave him a small nod, and Ilya plated him a plate of mostly salad and pork, with just a bit more pilaf than Shane would serve himself, because Shane seemed to deprive himself of the joys of carbs too much. 

“Thank you,” Shane said as Ilya passed the fork to Yuna. Ilya reached out and gave his leg a small squeeze, “is nothing, Shayna.” And he waited until everyone had served themselves before moving to taste the food. 

It was more than great. Ilya wanted to say as much, he was just about to when Yuna broke the silence that had fallen as they all started to eat. 

“How is your little league team going, Ilya?” Yuna asked. 

Ilya turned to look at her, surprised slightly at having such an easy question given. Ilya dove into how amazing they were doing and how much they were improving, he was too proud of them and was happy to show it. 

“Sounds like it’s going really well, so have you ever thought about coaching for a school?” Yuna asked, keeping her tone soft and warm, “It seems like it would be a good fit.” 

Shane was giving her a look, but Ilya didn’t mind the question. “Would maybe be nice, but I don’t know if it would be possible.” Ilya answered honestly. Sure, he was doing well coaching the kids for free but no one would pay him to teach anyone hockey. It didn’t matter how good he had once been. 

“Wasn’t there a cup you were after for them?” David asked, and Ilya was genuinely touched he remembered that detail. He wasn’t even sure he had told him, had Shane mentioned it? The fact David remembered, that he cared to ask had Ilya having to swallow his feelings down. 

“There is, they have a shot, I think. We need them to win a few more games.” Ilya said. Honestly, the kids were almost certainly going to make it, but he didn’t want to seem cocky. 

“They only have one game left to win.” Shane supplied. Ilya forgot he had told him that. 

“Wow! That’s amazing, Ilya and on your first season coaching.” Yuna said. 

Ilya tried to tamp down his blush. 

The rest of dinner was uneventful. Shane’s parents were nice and talked about Shane’s recovery and thanked Ilya again and again for looking after their son. By the time Ilya was following Shane upstairs he was all warm from the food and the affection from Shane’s parents. 

Shane and him were quick to shower, they were a tight fit together and Shane made them stand in the shower with if off for a full two minutes halfway through so his parents would think they had switched places and weren’t doing this together. Ilya had to hold his laughter in as he stood hugging Shane against him, complaining he needed the heat. 

They cuddled into Shane’s hockey sheets later, Shane gave Ilya a soft kiss and said, “Sweet dreams of shooting pucks, Mishka.” Before nuzzling into Ilya the best he could with his shoulder. 

“I love you.” Ilya said, listening to Shane’s breaths even. 

“I love you more than anything.” Shane said sleepily. Ilya held him a big tighter and let himself drift off enjoying the warmth of Shane beside him, the warmth he always missed when they were apart. 

The next morning they were quick to get up and ready, Shane was clearly excited to get to his own apartment. Ilya was happy to get some alone time with his boyfriend, he just hated how short it was. 

Shane’s parents had a nice spread set out downstairs when the two finally came down. Ilya enjoyed his breakfast, shocked this wasn’t something out of one of the tv shows he had watched to help him learn English. 

Shane’s parents both gave him a quick hug as they walked them out, Ilya’s brain moved faster through the shock and actually offered them a small hug back. 

As Ilya drove he could see Shane fingering with his hoodie string with the hand on his good arm. He waited until they were on the highway before asking, “What is it, solynyshko?” 

“I- That went better right? You felt that right? My mom- they were better, right?” Shane asked slowly. 

“It went better.” Ilya confirmed, reaching over to give Shane’s thigh a reassuring squeeze. 

“I talked to them, you remember? I told them you were it for me and they needed to start acting like it, I think they were.” Shane said softly. Ilya gave him another squeeze and was quick to blink any tears from his eyes, he couldn’t crash because he was crying. 

“They were.” Ilya said softly. 

“My friends will be too. I’m going to talk to them soon.” Shane said and Ilya gave another squeeze. 

They made it to Shane’s apartment in good time, Ilya helped Shane upstairs and was surprised Shane didn’t want them to walk up separate, but didn’t argue. 

Shane had just barely unlocked his door when they heard the voices. 

“His mom said he’d be back soon, where the fuck is he?”

Shane froze at the door. 

Ilya gave him a quizzical look, wondering why a man had a key to his boyfriend's apartment, his fears letting his mind slip to bad places before he heard another voice. 

“Capitaine is just late, chill out Hayden.” Another voice said, a bit exasperated. 

His team. These were the friends from Shane’s team. He was relieved for a moment, and ashamed at feeling the fear, before realizing he was going to have to meet Shane’s friends again. Fuck. 

Shane turned to look at his boyfriend. He saw the slight panic in those beautiful eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I wish I hadn’t given Hayden that key now. It’s supposed to be for emergencies.” Shane looked back to where the voices came from, “not ambushes.”

“Is okay.” Ilya said softly, scared to move further. 

“It’s not. I’m going to get rid of them. Do you want to…” Ilya saw the question Shane was afraid to ask painted on his face. 

“No, I want to come with you.” Ilya said, brushing his hand over Shane’s neck in a soothing motion. 

“Okay.” Shane said and began moving them into his apartment. They found the ambushing Metro players in Shane’s living room. 

They saw Shane first. 

“Capitaine!”

“Shane, we’re glad your back, your mom said-” Hayden paused as he took in Ilya carrying Shane’s bag and keeping a reassuring hand at Shane’s lower back. Hayden’s face hardened.

“Your mom didn’t mention,” Hayden’s eyes raked over Ilya disapprovingly, “she just said you’d be back today. We wanted to talk to you. We didn’t know that he’d be here, we’ll go.” Hayden shot J.J. a look and started to head for the door. J.J. looked a bit surprised at Hayden’s sudden departure. He looked apologetically to Shane and then to Ilya, which confused Ilya, “Sorry Capitaine, let us know when you are ready to talk, I told Hayden we shouldn’t have just shown up.” And J.J went to follow Hayden out. Now Shane was really wishing he hadn’t given Hayden the key, clearly he trusted the wrong friend. He had hoped his best friend would know to not invade his privacy like this, but maybe he didn’t know him at all. 

Once they were gone Ilya pulled Shane into his arms, “Are you okay?” He asked softly.

“Not really, but I will be. I wish you didn’t have to go.” Shane said, “I will talk to them tomorrow maybe, I need to calm down a bit first.” 

“Calm down?”

“I just don’t want to say anything I’ll regret, I’m so mad at them right now, I mean-“” he took an exasperated breath, “How the fuck did they think it was okay to let themselves into my home like that? Why would they do that shit? That key is for emergencies, they know that like, how fucking invasive? And the way Hayden looked at you, it’s all just unacceptable.” Shane was breathing deeply, clearly trying to control his rage. Ilya stroked a soothing hand over his back. 

“I’m just so sorry they are acting like this Ilya, and I’m so fucking mad. I finally introduce them to someone, to the person that I love, to my fucking soulmate, and they act like this? They are supposed to be my best friends, that isn’t how friends should fucking act.” Shane sounded so defeated as he finished with, “I just can’t wait to be done with Montreal, to be in New York with you and I can just forget about them.”

Ilya pulled Shane into a hug, “I’m sorry Shanya,” he didn’t know what else to say. Sorry your friends know I’m not good enough for you? Sorry your friends want you to date someone better than a loser? 

Shane looked up at him, those big brown eyes determined and so full of love. “No. You do not apologize. I am sorry, I am so fucking sorry Ilya you don’t deserve them acting like this. You deserve so much better than that. I love you so fucking much you are perfect for me and soon everyone will see that.” 

Ilya’s heart skipped a beat at the “soon,” thinking about living in New York with Shane in just a few months, getting to come out together next year. 

He helped Shane start a load of laundry and unpack his bags, he settled Shane onto the couch with a pile of pillows off support and cleaned Shane’s devices, something he had seen Shane do a bunch before. 

He had a few hours still before his flight, so he settled himself onto the couch and cuddled Shane carefully into his arms. Shane leaned into his touch and Ilya began soothing strokes down Shane’s side, which only made Shane nuzzle in closer like a cat. 

They had been laying in comfortable silence, the only noise in the room the nature doc that had been turned on. Shane buried his head in the crook of Ilya’s neck and asked, “When can I see you again?”

Ilya felt his heart clench. He wanted to say he would just stay, screw work, but his team had their potentially final game this week. He couldn’t let them down now.

“I have to be in Boston for the game Friday, but I have off Monday to Wednesday, so I could fly after work on Sunday?” Ilya asked and kissed the top of Shane’s head.

“Yes, please.” Shane said softly, then asked, “are you excited for the game?” 

“Eh a little nervous actually, I want them to win so badly.” Ilya said and held Shane a little tighter into him. 

“They will. I wish I could go and watch, I want to see you coach them.” 

Ilya’s heart clenched, he wanted that too. Even if Shane wasn’t supposed to be at home resting, it wasn’t like Shane could fly down and be seen at the game. It would be chaos, and probably distract the kids. It would also out him. Ilya tried to remind himself that Shane wanted to come out, he was working on a way to do it safely. Ilya tried to convince himself it was real, because he knew it was. Shane talked about New York all the time. It just didn’t feel like something that could be real, that Ilya got to have. 

“You would be too distracting, kids would forget what I taught them.” Ilya said and Shane let out a soft chuckle.

It was insanely difficult to detangle himself from Shane when he had to leave, but Ilya did it. He was slow. Giving kisses as he freed a limb from where it was trapped or wrapped around Shane. Shane, who was half asleep, grumbled as Ilya moved.

“I am sorry krolik, I have to make my flight. You will be okay here, da?” Ilya asked. He waited for Shane to blink the sleep out of his eyes and asked again, “Da?”

“Da.” Shane said, in an imitation of Ilya’s accent. Ilya couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of him, and tried to keep then the sinking feeling in his stomach at having to leave his adorable boyfriend from showing on his face. 

“Please call me, everyday.” Ilya said, not caring how needy it sounded. 

“Of course. Morning and night. Call me when you walk to work?” Shane’s line formed between his eyebrows. 

Ilya smoothed it out like it was a ritual, which for him it was. 

“Da.” He said, extra accented just to see the smile creep on Shane’s lips. 

“I’ll miss you. I love you so, so much, Ilya.”

“I love you too Shanya.” Ilya said, dropping down to give Shane a kiss. He made sure Shane had dinner and a bottle of water and his meds, then gave his boyfriend a final kiss and forced himself out of the apartment.

Despite his meds still making him sleepy, Shane couldn’t fall asleep that night. He tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position for his shoulder, but nothing was working. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about the look. The one Hayden had given Ilya. He couldn’t stop thinking about what they had said on the phone. He couldn’t stop thinking about how his best friend reacted to his boyfriend. It made him sick. 

Hayden had been his friend for years, Shane was his kids’ godparent for fuck’s sake. Hayden was his closest friend. J. J. was a very close second, but Hayden was his best friend. Shane had eaten more dinners than he could count, helped with more bedtimes, and helped with more temper tantrums from the twins than he could remember at this point.

Hayden had invaded his home, had looked at Ilya with disgust, and had spoken about Ilya with it too. It broke Shane’s heart a bit. J.J. wasn’t much better. 

The next morning Shane was slow to get up, he called Ilya but he realized too late that Ilya was already at work. Fuck. 

He made himself his usual breakfast, got ready slowly, then thought about calling an uber. Hayden hadn’t given him notice and he wanted to return the favor, but Jackie didn’t deserve an ambush. Also, he wanted to have this conversation once. He wanted it to be with both of them. 

He texted both of them asking if they could talk today. Hayden offered to host, saying Jackie and the kids would be at her mother’s for the day, so Shane made a plan to go over there. 

In his uber over, he kept having to dry his palms on his pants. He was too fucking nervous for this. He knew that ultimately, whatever happened he would be okay. He had Ilya. That was all that mattered. He had a plan, he had a new team he was going to play for. He was going to be okay. But if his friends truly rejected him, rejected Ilya? It would be devastating.

He tried so hard to be the perfect captain, the perfect teammate. He had won them two Stanley Cups. He was on this insane performance diet so he could be the best. He was the best. Why wasn’t that enough? Why wasn’t he allowed to be happy? 

He knocked at the door with a trembling hand. Hayden answered quickly and Shane followed him inside. Neither of them spoke. They went to the living room, where J.J. was already sitting in one of the chairs. 

Hayden sat as far as he could from J.J. on the other side of the couch and crossed his arms. Shane sat slowly on the other side, ending up between them. He felt a bit like he was about to be cross-examined by detectives. Like he had committed some crime, and not fallen in love. 

J.J. spoke first. “So you have a boyfriend.” He said it tensely. 

“Yeah. I have a boyfriend,” Shane sighed, “I’m gay, I have a boyfriend, he is the best person I know.” Shane said, pouring sincerity into the last bit. 

Hayden scoffed. J.J. cut him a glare. 

That was interesting. Were they not a united front, here? 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” J.J. asked softly. 

“I- I was going to. I had a plan to.” 

“Sure.” Hayden said. Shane flinched at the tone. 

“I was. I wanted to tell you guys, it took me a long time to work out and it didn’t feel like, necessary at first, but then I met Ilya-“ Shane didn’t miss the scoff Hayden gave at Ilya’s name but he continued, “and I finally had a reason to tell you guys. I was going too soon, but then you saw us together and it messed up my plans.” 

“You could have told us. About being gay. We support you.” J.J. said with so much sincerity Shane appreciated. 

“It’s not the being gay thing we’re upset about.” Hayden said. J.J. cut him another look. 

“I’m not upset.” J.J. said. He looked Shane in the eye. Shane wanted to shy away from the eye contact but held it as J.J. said, “I’m sorry for how I acted, for the way I responded when I found out. I wasn’t being cool, I’m really sorry. I’m sure your boyfriend is a good guy, I shouldn’t have judged him without knowing him.” Shane felt his chest loosen a bit at the words. He was honestly touched. 

“Thank you, J.J.” He said, the words were barely out of his mouth when Hayden burst up from the couch. 

“Well I am!” He looked at Shane exasperated, his face growing a bit red. 

“I’m supposed to be your best friend and you’re keeping these huge fucking secrets from me? You’re dating a guy who works for a rival fucking team? How fucked is that?” Hayden said, Shane flinched at the anger. He didn’t know what to say. 

“The worst part is you could have just told me, you could have told me you were gay. I could have helped you find someone fucking appropriate to be with but you had to go find someone that is totally ridiculous to be with.” Shane flinched again at Hayden calling his relationship ridiculous. 

“I mean seriously, Shane? You are a fucking millionaire, you don’t need to be with some loser janitor. A loser janitor who works for our rival fucking team? Do you know what people will say if they found out? They’d investigate you for collusion or some shit, they might kick you out of the fucking league, and you’re seriously going to take that risk for him?” Shane was going to respond but Hayden didn’t even take a breath before continuing further into his rage-spiral. 

“I mean, you seriously don’t care what anyone is going to say? People will think you’ve lost your fucking mind. I think you’ve lost your fucking mind! Why on earth would you date a janitor for the rival team.” Shane hated the way he spat the word janitor out. “Hayden-“ but Hayden was still going. 

“You pick the absolute worst person to be with! I could’ve helped you pick someone suitable! Someone on your fucking level! You didn’t have to belittle yourself by being with him, I mean, you can still fix that but like- dude! How the fuck could you.”

Shane had let him get it all out. He sat there and took it. But now he was done taking it. 

“Oh shut the fuck up Hayden!” He snapped out and stood up. 

“You don’t even know him! You have barely met Ilya, and both times you were practically snarling at him! That’s the man I love! You are supposed to be my best friend, I was so fucking scared to tell you and then I get the choice of how and when I do that taken from me-“ Shane feel’s his chest tighten, his face feels hot. He has to take a breath to stifle the angry tears that are about to spill out of him. 

“I have my choice taken from me of how I tell you, and then you react like this? You don’t ask me about him. You just get pissed about who he is, about why I didn’t tell you. Well maybe you can see why I was hesitating to tell you now? I was scared you’d react exactly like this! Exactly like this!” Shane hated raising his voice but he was so fucking pissed. 

“We didn’t mean to see you two-“ Hayden tried to start but Shane cut him off. 

“That doesn’t even matter now! You know, you fucking know and you have made me feel like shit about it Hayden. Ilya is the most important person in my life. He is my future. I don’t care what happens to me with hockey as long as I get to have him. You don’t get to talk about him like he’s someone less than. He isn’t. He is fucking everything to me.” Shane felt the tears on his cheeks. “Fuck.” He muttered as he furiously went to wipe them away. 

J.J. stood and patted Shane’s shoulder, “I am so sorry, Capitaine. I should have been better. I am really happy you have found your person.” Shane blinked away the tears that were still pooling in his eyes. 

Hayden just stood there. His arms folded across his chest and face in a scrunched expression Shane couldn’t read. 

“Please don’t tell anyone about us, I- I want to do it myself. In my own time.” Shane said to both of them. Hayden’s face softened. 

“Of course I wouldn’t fucking say anything. But I’m pissed at you.” Hayden said. 

“Okay.” Shane said. 

“I wouldn’t tell, I hope you know I would never betray you like that, Shane.” J.J. said and Shane was honestly touched, he was more sure now than ever he had made a mistake letting Hayden become his best friend. J.J. was clearly a better friend. 

“I’m going to go.” Shane said. He looked at Hayden before he crossed the threshold to the hall, “If you can’t support me and Ilya, and make an effort to get past your own shitty biases to get to know him, then we’re done. He’s my person Hayden. I’m not having anyone around who makes him feel like shit.” 

Then he turned and left. 

It was late when he finally got the call. 

“Solynyshko! I can’t believe you are still up! I am so sorry I could not talk to you earlier.” Ilya sounded tired and apologetic on the phone. 

“Don’t apologize, I couldn’t sleep without hearing from you. I miss you.” Shane said softly. 

“I miss you so much too. How was your day?” Ilya asked softly. 

“I want to see you.” Shane said, not answering the question. 

“You aren’t supposed to be looking at screens, Solynyshko.” Ilya said and Shane groaned, making Ilya laugh.

“I want to see your beautiful face too, but we have to suffer Shanya. Now tell me how was your day?”

Shane sighed. “It was weird. I talked to my friends.” 

“Did you?” 

“Yeah, J.J. was okay, he actually apologized but Hayden just went off on me, it was really fucking annoying. I told him if he couldn’t respect you then he couldn’t be in my life basically. I hate that he’s acting like this.”

“I’m sorry solynyshko.” Ilya’s voice was dripping with guilt. 

“Don’t you fucking apologize! This isn’t your fault at all, Ilya. I’m so so fucking sorry. I don’t even want to tell you about it because I hate to think of you thinking of yourself as anything less than perfect for me. Because you are perfect for me.” 

“Shanya-“ 

“You are amazing Ilya, they don’t get to judge you without knowing you. They wouldn’t have acted like that if they knew what an amazing person you are. So smart. So funny. So kind. So good to me. Ugh I’m making myself miss you more.” Shane finished with a groan and Ilya laughed. 

“I will see you next week. Is not too long.” 

“You have your practice tomorrow, right?” Shane asked.

“Da. Last one before game Friday. I hope they win. The tournament will keep me a little busy if they do, but won’t affect next week. Don’t worry.” Ilya said. 

“It would be okay if it did, I know this is important to you. I am so proud of you for doing this, I bet the kids will do amazing. Hat tricks from all of them.” 

Ilya laughed at that, “I don’t know about hat tricks but they will do good, I hope.

“They will.”

Shane ended up falling asleep on the phone with his beautiful boyfriend, letting his accent lull him to sleep.

Ilya’s team won the game, putting them in the final game for their cup and making Ilya’s weekend visit short, too short for both of them. Ilya felt it as he flew back to Boston. Shane would be cleared to return to play after next weekend, he would be in Boston the following weekend. Two weeks. They could make it two weeks, they had before. But Ilya had grown spoiled, he’d seen so much of Shane lately with his injury, and the growing time between visits was going to be harder for him. But he was fine. He would be fine.

Ilya woke up the next day and struggled to get out of bed more than usual. It wasn’t his knee today, though that was a constant problem, it was him. He looked up at his dingy ceiling, the weird plaster popcorn design made him dizzy after a while so he turned to look at the wall. It was the biggest effort in the world to turn and grab his phone. He was lucky he wasn’t going in until later today, but he didn’t want to move. 

He had to move. He had work in 2 hours and then the final practice for his team. He never called out of work, he couldn’t afford to. He sighed and bundled himself in his covers, hibernating for as long as he could before he had to get out of bed. 

Each movement felt like his blood was made of sandpaper. He trudged to work with no energy and struggled through most of his assigned tasks. He kept his head down, not bothering to talk to anyone. Since the party a few weeks ago he had been more social in the staff locker room, more social in general but today he had no energy for it, and he was thankful no one was trying to force him into conversation. 

He didn’t see Troy most of the day, which was fine. He left work quickly and made his way to practice. Troy was already there when he arrived. 

“Hey!” Troy said in greeting before taking in Ilya’s appearance. Ilya hadn’t thought he looked particularly tired or ragged but given the appraising look Troy was giving he must look a bit rough. 

“You good, man?” Troy asked, “I know this practice is important but we’d rather have you at the game, if you need to go home and rest or something-“ 

Ilya cut him off. This practice was too important to let his shitty mood ruin. 

“No, no I am fine. Just a bit tired, didn’t think you would notice.” Ilya said and Troy made a face at him that told Ilya it was obvious. 

“I’m fine.” Ilya assured him again. 

Troy shrugged, “If you wanna talk about anything, we could get a beer or something after practice?”

Ilya wanted to say yes, but what could he tell Troy?

I feel like shit today, more than usual but that’s probably just because I am shit, at least that’s what my father always says. I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me but everyone else who loves him sees how I’m not good enough for him. I’m so scared to lose him and I’m so scared he’ll think that too one day. I feel like shit half the time, the other half I feel like I can’t get out of bed, and I don’t want him to know how broken I really am. 

He wasn’t going to say any of that. 

“I would, but I need to rest for this week. Want to be at my best for Friday.” Ilya said and Troy nodded. 

“Yeah, I get that. Maybe we could grab a drink to celebrate the season once the game is over?”

“Da we should.” Ilya said, knowing that was the right thing to do, even if he really didn’t feel like it.

The kids trickled in shortly after. They had them run some drills they had been working on and ran a scrimmage. Ilya was impressed how far they had come. He saw them implement the moves and plays he had been teaching them for months. He had gotten them to work more cohesively together, finding a better groove as a team. 

He was really, really proud of them as he watched this final practice. 

He made sure to give each kid a pat on the helmet before they left and gave a small inspiring speech to them. He would save his real speech for Friday but he wanted to encourage the kids to stay motivated throughout the week. They were going to win.

He moved slowly to get home, it was too late to call Shane so he went to bed without speaking to his boyfriend. If he was honest with himself, even if it was early enough he probably wouldn’t have called. Shane always made him feel better, but right now Ilya didn’t feel like he deserved to feel better. He tried to remind himself that Shane had asked him to call, that Shane wanted him to call, but the simple act of pressing the dial was too big of a task for Ilya. 

He couldn’t feel more like a piece of shit. 

He replied to Shane’s text the next morning before work, but didn’t call him. He couldn’t muster up the energy to sound like he was okay, so he hid. 

Shane texted him and left voicemails, Ilya gave sparse replies back and gave different excuses as to why he couldn’t call each day, why he wasn’t answering. 

The next few days trudged by, Ilya’s mood not increasing much. As Friday finally arrived, Ilya woke up feeling a deep bone-tiredness. He didn’t have work today, thank god. So he could just lay in bed until the game pretending he didn’t exist. So that’s what he did. 

It was a Herculean task to get himself out of bed. Every joint was stiff from laying down all day, and he felt a bit dizzy as he stood, realizing he hadn’t eaten anything. He threw a frozen meal in the oven and hopped into the shower to scrub the days of rot off him. He dressed slowly, wearing his team’s t-shirt they had made over a long sleeve shirt, even though it was getting warmer out the rink was always cold. He ate quickly and almost left without checking his phone. 

He opened it to a text from Shane.

Jane: Good luck on the game today, I bet the kids will do great. Send me videos of you can, love you. 

Ilya’s heart clenched as he typed out a reply.

Lily: thank you 

Ilya should have known that texting Shane would signal he was on his phone. In rapid succession he had another text from Shane asking he was walking to the rink and then a call was coming in. Ilya wanted to hear Shane’s voice, he wanted to feel better. He wanted to talk to his boyfriend. 

He answered.

“Hi.” Ilya said quietly.

“Hey, I missed you.” Shane said, in a way Ilya knew wasn’t trying to make Ilya feel bad about being a ghost the past few days, but in the genuine way Shane always spoke. 

“I missed you too. Sorry I have not called.” Ilya said, letting the guilt seep into his voice.

“Don’t be, it’s a busy week for you! Are you excited about the game? You’re heading there now, right?”

Ilya loved that Shane had his schedule memorized.

“Da, we have a game in a little over an hour, I am heading over now.” Ilya said as he grabbed his gear and headed out the door, he wasn’t the one skating today but he always brought his skates anyway, it felt weird to go to the rink without them. 

“They’re gonna do great, Ilya.” Shane said with the same Shane-brand sincerity, Ilya thought he must have heard the nerves in his voice. 

“Da, they are good kids, they have worked hard.” Ilya said.

“And they had the greatest coach of all time, they’re going to do great, I hope you aren’t nervous.” Shane said and Ilya chuckled.

“Eh, maybe a little nervous, not sure about the greatest of all time but I tried to be good.” 

“I bet you were more than good, Ilya. Those kids love you from the sound of it.” 

They did, the kids were wary of him at first but after months of practices and games they had come to love Ilya, and he loved being their coach. It was going to be sad to leave them, to know he wouldn’t be helping the team next season. 

“I am sad this is the last game with them.” Ilya said but he hadn’t meant to voice that to Shane, or at all. That thought was supposed to stay in his head. 

“I know, I’m sorry, it’s my fault-“” Shane started.

“No, Shanya, do not do that. I am excited to move, da? We will have big apartment with shark tank on one wall, like we talked about yes?” Ilya felt a bit more like himself as the quip came spilling out, Shane laughed.

“We can get a goldfish to start.” He said eventually. Ilya grinned, he imagined Shane would be a very cute fish parent; probably would test the pH of the water and research best foods and what plants to put, because Shane would have real plants in his fish tank.

“I think you would like a fish, Shanya.” 

“Maybe. Will you call me after the game? I want to hear about it.” 

Ilya was glad Shane called, he felt a new level of guilt at being too lazy to talk to his boyfriend. Lazy, he told himself. Not the other thing. 

“I told Troy I would get drink with him, I will call you on walk home, if you are still up.”

“I’ll be up, good luck. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Ilya said and hung up the phone. He kept walking towards the rink, he felt lighter than he had in days after talking for Shane. He had more energy. He felt stupid from hiding from his boyfriend for so many days and he felt even guiltier because Shane was still recovering and Ilya hadn’t asked about how he was doing, he realized. He was such a horrible boyfriend. 

He got to the rink early, the kids weren’t there yet, Troy wasn’t there yet, they hadn’t even cleaned the ice yet. He put on his skates and took a few laps. He was determined to do well for these kids, he was done being a fuck-up this week. 

With each stride he felt better, he thought of Shane’s smile, imagined him watching him from the stands. He replaced his father’s voice with Shane’s in his head. 

“You’re the only person I look forward to talking to everyday.”

“You are everything to me, Ilya.” 

“You deserve everything good in the world.”

“I love you.”

He played the words back in his head as he skated. He saw the Zamboni driver arrive and hopped off the ice, just in time for Troy to walk in. He felt better. He felt stronger. They could do this.

Three hours later Ilya was in a bar with a shitty brand of vodka on the rocks in front of him and a grinning Troy next to him. 

“I can’t believe we fucking did it, dude! That was incredible! And the final play when Jordie used that shot you taught him? Phenomenal dude, I’m so sad to lose you next year.”

Ilya couldn’t help the grin on his own face, which got wider as he saw Harris walk into the bar. 

“I don’t think you’ll mind working with my replacement,” he said and offered Harris a wave. 

Ilya was glad Harris had taken up the mantle, and that he had agreed to join them tonight to celebrate. It would make Ilya staying only an hour not feel so weird, and maybe they would finally figure out whatever was between them.

Ilya watched Troy’s face redden as he hurried to drink more of his beer. 

He grinned and leaned over, speaking low enough that only Troy could hear as Harris continued to make his way toward them, “I think he likes you too, Barrett.”

Troy’s face entered a shade of chartreuse and he muttered, “I don’t know what you're talking about.” 

Harris had arrived. 

“Hey guys! Congrats! It was an awesome game.”

“You watched?” Ilya asked, he hadn’t seen him in the stands, they were more packed than usual and he had kept his focus on the players, it wasn’t like he had anyone in the stands to look for anyway.

“Yeah, I was in the back, didn’t want to take a spot from a parent up close, you know?” Harris said and ordered himself a beer. 

“Very considerate.” Ilya said in a joking tone, but he meant it, Harris was one of the most considerate people he’d met in Boston. Ilya wouldn’t say they were friends, more acquaintances but he wished he had made an effort sooner, Harris was probably a really good friend. 

They talked about the game for a while, Ilya noted the way both Troy and Harris had moved closer to each other throughout the conversations, the two went to order a second drink and Ilya finished his first. 

“Was good season, thank you for letting me coach with you Troy. I am sad to not get to next season, but I think you two will be even better team. I have to get going, have a good night.” Ilya said, Troy was blushing slightly and Harris was giving him a warm smile. 

“I’ll do my best to keep the title, Ilya.” Harris said and shook Ilya’s hand. 

Ilya patted Troy on the shoulder, “See you at work.” 

“See you, thanks for helping me this season, Ilya. You’re a great coach.” 

Ilya felt his face warm, “Thank you.” He said softly and made his way out of the bar. 

The second he stepped outside he called Shane.

Shane picked up almost immediately, like he was waiting on the call. Ilya’s chest warmed thinking that he probably was. 

“So? How was it?” Shane asked, his voice excited but had a nervous edge to it.

“We won, it was very very good Shanya.” 

“Oh I’m so happy for you Ilya, tell me all about it!”

Ilya did, he told Shane all about the game, he had filled his entire walk home with the story of the game. When he got to his door and put his key in he was so tired he didn’t even notice it didn’t click, he didn’t notice he had relocked the door before unlocking it. 

He stepped inside, still talking to Shane on the phone, turning to lock the deadbolt.

“It was really incredible, Shanya, you would have been so impressed, I hope the kids stick with it some could have real futures if they kept working.” He said and almost jumped out of his skin when Shane’s response came both through the phone and from the room behind him. 

“I bet.” 

Ilya whirled around and standing there in his dark green sweatshirt, was Shane holding his phone wearing a shit-eating grin.

“Hi.” Shane said.

Ilya almost burst into tears right on the spot. 

Everything he had managed to hold in, the storm of feelings that had been brewing, finally broke.

He rushed forward and pulled Shane into his arms, burying his face into Shane’s hair and breathing in Shane’s scent and the smell of his fancy seaweed shampoo. 

Ilya couldn't stop the shake of his shoulders, the first sob that shuddered out. 

“Oh baby,” Shane said, moving to hold Ilya tight in his arms. 

“I’m here, my love. I’m right here.” Shane said softly as Ilya fell apart around him. 

He wasn’t sure why he was sobbing, why suddenly all of the sadness that had filled him slowly all week was spilling over at once, but he couldn’t stop. His knees felt weaker and he clutched to Shane for support. 

“Let’s sit, lyubyuv.” Shane said and moved them to the couch, situating Ilya in his lap and holding him tightly, rubbing soothing circles across his back and sides. 

Ilya just continued to cry. He cried until his throat was raw and he felt thirsty, probably dehydrated from the outburst. 

He finally found his voice, and spoke in a small rasp from Shane’s lap. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Shh. Don’t apologize, I’ve got you. You’re okay. I love you.” Shane said.

Ilya couldn’t help the fresh tears that sprung from his eyes. 

“I am such a burden, Shane, you shouldn’t have to do this.” The words were out of Ilya’s mouth before he could stop himself, before he could even think about it.

Shane tightened his grip and leaned to press a kiss into Ilya’s hair. 

“Shh. None of that. You are never a burden, you’re my amazing boyfriend who I love. I will always be here to take care of you when you need it.” Shane’s voice was determined, steady as he spoke but still soft and gentle. Ilya leaned into him more, unable to help himself and feeling the relief of being in Shane’s arms take away some of the weight this week had placed on his shoulders. 

“I’m a mess.” Ilya said. 

“You’re not a mess, I think you’re just crashing a little bit. It’s okay, I’m here now. I wish I had been here all week.” Shane said and Ilya cuddled deeper into him. 

“Da. Me too.” He said. The tears were slowing now. 

Shane brushed a careful thumb across Ilya’s cheeks, clearing the tears from them and then ran the same hand through his hair. 

“I’m here now.” Shane repeated. “You have me. You always have me.” 

Ilya’s voice came out in a broken whisper. 

“I needed you.”

“I should have come sooner, I should have not cared sooner.” Shane said. 

It was at that moment that Ilya realized Shane was actually here, like really here. He wasn’t in Montreal finishing recovering like he was supposed to be. 

“You- Wait Shane.” Ilya said and started to sit up, pulling away. Shane didn’t let him, he just pulled him back into his lap. 

“I drove down, the official story was check-up with my original doctors, if I even need one. I wanted to see the game, so I snuck into the rink. I came a bit late, stayed in the back, was wearing a face mask and had my glasses and a hat, I don’t think anyone noticed me, I had to leave before the end to be sure they wouldn’t so I didn’t see the final score but I figured your team had it be then.” 

Ilya was shocked. 

“So you, you were there?” 

“I was there.” 

A fresh wave of tears came out of him. 

“I wanted you there so badly.” Ilya said, voice broken through his tears. 

“I know. I had to be there. I wanted to see you, you were fantastic out there. The kids looked like they loved you so much, and they played such a good game. You really were incredible, Ilya.” 

Ilya snuggled himself into Shane, “You thought so?” He hated himself for wanting the extra reassurance. For wanting to know Shane meant it. 

“You were a star, the best coach.” Shane said, dropping a kiss into Ilya’s hair. 

“How are you here? Did you fly?” Ilya asked. 

Shane gave him a small smile. “I was cleared to drive yesterday, I figured a weekend trip would be nice. I have to be back for evening practice Monday, so I’ll leave that morning, if that’s okay? You don’t have work this weekend right?”

Ilya shook his head. 

“Good, then we can spend the next two days in bed.” 

Ilya kept himself from stating that he had already spent the rest of the week in bed. 

“Do you want to shower, and get in, now?” Shane asked. 

Ilya nodded. 

Shane stood and Ilya let him help him up. He let Shane strip him, too tired to want to do it himself. Shane took each item carefully, folding them before putting them in Ilya’s laundry basket, then led Ilya into the shower and washed him reverently. He wrapped them up in Ilya’s comfiest t-shirts and boxers and pulled his boyfriend into bed, curling into him, knowing that Ilya needed the contact. 

“Thank you for coming.” Ilya said he couldn’t remember if he had, but he wanted to make sure he did. He felt better than he had all week, the weight that had been crushing him wasn’t so heavy anymore. 

“Of course, I wanted to see you and I had to see the game. You are so good with kids, it was nice to watch.” 

Shane hadn’t just come for the game, though he would have always regretted missing it. He hadn’t heard from Ilya all week, and Ilya was hiding again. After the interaction with his teammates, his eyes had stayed cloudier. When Shane did hear from him he got short responses, and an energy he could tell was forced.

He knew Ilya wasn’t okay, it took him a little too long to figure it out. He had hoped at first that Ilya was just busy, but he could hear it in Ilya’s voice. He made an extra appointment to get cleared to drive early, he couldn’t wait for his final check-up and he could get the clearance so he did. He got it, packed a bag, and told his mom his plan. 

He wished he had been able to see the full game, but slipping in and out had been the best way to not ruin his other plans. Soon he could sit front row for Ilya, although he never would take away the spot from a parent. Well, maybe, if Ilya was wearing one of those compression shirts he really wouldn’t have a choice. 

Shane pulled Ilya into the bed, they could talk tomorrow, if Ilya wanted. Right now, Shane was dead-set on comforting his boyfriend. He ran soothing strokes down Ilya’s back, until he felt his wrung-out Russian’s breathing shift and knew he was asleep.

I am such a fucking horrible boyfriend.

The thought circled through Shane’s mind over and over, his mind a blender cutting up every phone call, every text, every expression that flickered across Ilya’s face. He had seen Ilya upset before, but something about this felt deeper. It felt colder and different. 

This wasn’t like the nightmares. This was some lingering sadness that seemed to keep its grip on Ilya as he tried to move through the world. 

Shane didn’t know what to do with that. He hoped he could shoulder some of the weight for Ilya, make things easier for him.

He thought back to Ilya’s mom. 

Would he? Could he?

Shane felt the panic rise within him at the thought. As he felt Ilya’s chest rise and fall with each breath, each one reassuring Shane that Ilya was here, that he was okay, that Shane could still, could still help him. But how?

Would Ilya see a therapist?

Was that too much for Shane to ask? Would Ilya be upset that Shane wanted to help, would he see it as fixing him? Shane didn’t want to fix him, he just wanted Ilya to feel better. Was it too much to ask about therapy? Was it too invasive?

Shane didn’t really sleep that night.

Chapter End Notes

Lollllllllllllllllll so sorry this was so long between, did get a new laptop (slay) but my job is trying to kill me (not slay)- but i had an interview today so lets hope i get that and can escape my racist, misogynistic, homophobic coworkers!!! please manifest for me i need all the help i can get at my escape.

A lot happens here but its a bit of a transition to what will be our final stretch!!! Really excited to finish this story and so thankful for all of you who have read it and left comments and kudos, means the world and truly helps motivate me to keep going with it so thank you :))))

alos there will be a ch 17 now and maybe a ch 17, so we have prob 1-2 more then the epilogue (so i guess17 idk we shall see!)

(also hate to add it but please be kind struggled a lot to write this month lolllll)