Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Svetlana Vetrova, Troy Barrett, Harris Drover, Alexei Rozanov | Andrei Rozanov, Grigori Rozanov, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble (Game Changers)

Additional Tags:

Texting Fic, Sexting, Alternate Universe, Student Ilya Rozanov, Hockey Player Shane Hollander, Getting Together, Fluff, Light Angst, Grindr AU, Catfish AU, Harris Drover Haunts the Narrative, Reader-Interactive, Social Media, Mixed Media, Comedy, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, Pictures, Like so many pictures of Connor and Hudson, Idiots in Love, Identity Porn, Identity Reveal, Secret Identity

Language:

English

Series:

Part 1 of Catfished! Universe

Stats:

Published: 2026-06-15 Completed: 2026-09-09 Words: 19,322 Chapters: 11/11

Catfished by Shane Hollander!?

Summary

“Who are you talking to?” Sveta is looking with a raised eyebrow, at Ilya’s delighted face.

“Ah, I am talking to my catfish.”

“What do you mean, your catfish?” Ilya angles the phone so Sveta can see the shirtless picture on the screen.

“This guy is pretending to be Shane Hollander on Grindr. It’s pretty funny. He’s cropped the face out, but he’s using pictures from the billboard next to my apartment.”

Or: Ilya Rozanov is sure he's being catfished- why would the real Shane Hollander be on Grindr, talking to random university of Ottawa students? But the more he talks to Wayne, the more he starts to like him, and the more he wishes Wayne would just come clean so they can finally be together.

Chapter 1: Chapter One

Chapter Notes

Make sure you have 'creator style' turned ON because this fic uses a workskin and will make no sense without it.

(Cross Mark )(Heavy Exclamation Mark Symbol ≊ Exclamation Mark) This is a Grindr AU, so it is programmed to look like Grindr. If you are reading this fic in a public space, and someone else sees your screen, and they think you are on Grindr, that is not my fault! (Heavy Exclamation Mark Symbol ≊ Exclamation Mark)(Cross Mark )

Also, the pictures get big if you click on them, so feel free to do that!

Ilya admires the picture, feeling his cock twitch looking at the perfect abs in the picture in front of him. He starts to palm himself in his shorts, except… he knows those abs. He’s jerked off to those abs since he was a teenager, they are imprinted into his mind so strongly he would know them anywhere. Those are Shane Hollander’s abs. In fact, he's pretty sure that this exact picture is on a billboard two streets away.

Ilya decides that this guy is fun to talk to, even if he is, for some reason, pretending to be Shane Hollander. It's probably too late to meet up with someone in real life anyway, and he has a paper due soon for his masters. There's no harm in just chatting for a while, especially since imagining that he's having sex with Shane Hollander is basically what he does when he jerks off anyway.

Two months later

“Who are you talking to?” Sveta is looking at him with a raised eyebrow, at the delighted expression on Ilya’s face.

“Ah, I am talking to my catfish.” They're sitting on the sofa in Sveta's gross shared flat. One of her roommates has left three plates with a neon green substance stuck to them on the coffee table in front of them, and the whole place smells of cheap weed and bad decisions. Ilya had begged her to let them move in together, but she had refused to even entertain the idea, saying that they could either sleep together or live together but not both.

“What do you mean, your catfish?” Ilya angles the phone over so that Sveta can see the shirtless picture on the screen.

“This guy is pretending to be Shane Hollander on Grindr. It’s pretty funny. He’s cropped the face out, but his profile pic is from the billboard next to my apartment.” Sveta frowns.

"Why are you still talking to him if you know he’s catfishing you?" Ilya whips the phone away so that she can't scroll, and see that they've been talking every couple of days for the last two months.

“I just think it would be fun to go on that TV show, Catfish? So I am still talking to him.” It's his favourite show to watch hungover, even though every episode has exactly the same story. It's ridiculous, that these people can fall in love with someone when they don't even know who they're talking to.

“You’re talking to a guy because you want to get on TV?”

“It looks fun! And on the show they fly you to wherever the Catfish lives. Maybe he lives somewhere cool, like Florida or LA, and I get a free holiday." Wayne has said that he lives in Ottawa like Ilya, but obviously that's where Shane Hollander lives, so of course he would claim to live there. The real person behind the screen could be anywhere.

"It still seems like a bad reason to talk to him. He could be scamming you." Ilya rolls his eyes.

"He's not going to scam me. He's just a lonely, and probably ugly pervert. He's not even good at sexting, so he'd make a pretty bad scammer." It's actually kind of adorable, how bad he was in the beginning. Something about his eagerness combined with how much he seemed to want to do a good job of getting Ilya off was endearing, and a bit sexy.

"Ok, remind me again why you're talking to him?"

"He's kind of funny. And he's really good at finding hot pictures of Shane Hollander. Look at this, I don't even know where he got it, doesn't look like any of his PR stuff."

Ilya angles the screen so that Sveta can see a photo of Shane Hollander in a locker room wearing a tiny pair of briefs. It's one of the better images that Wayne has sent, one saved in the locked folder that Wayne requested he make.

“Whoa! I don’t think I’ve seen that one before. Maybe he did a shampoo commercial or something? It looks like the actual locker room." Sveta zooms in on the edge of the Centaurs logo painted on the wall behind him.

"Yeah, maybe he did a photo book at some point? You see now why Wayne is the best, I get to talk about all my Shane Hollander locker room fantasies with someone."

"Wow, now I can’t tell who is more pathetic. The guy pretending to be Shane Hollander, or the guy getting off on talking to fake Shane Hollander." Ilya playfully shoves her shoulder. He knew that this was going to be her reaction, which is why he'd put off telling her.

"Shut up, leave me and my catfish alone."

"Sure. By the way, what is fake Shane Hollander's name?" Ilya had hoped that she wasn't going to ask this.

Ilya sighs before he says it. "... Wayne. He said he works in sports administration."

"Wow, quitting hockey was supposed to make you smarter, but even with no concussions, you are still stupid."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter End Notes

I wrote this partly to get better at HTML coding, so please let me know if you see any mistakes! The workskin originally comes from CodenameCarrot but obviously I changed the colours to make it look like Grindr and changed/added a lot of the code, so the whole thing is a bit of a Frankenstein style project.

All pictures will be real pictures of Connor/Hudson, no Ai stuff.

Let me know what you think! <3

Chapter 2: Chapter Two

Chapter Notes

Attention:There is a dic pic in this chapter (it's the one from the show). Click where it says "click here" if you want to see it. If you don't want to see it- don't click there

Chapter End Notes

By the way, the timeline here is

don't think about it too much!

Officially the dinosaur emoji came out in June 2017, so it is set before that, but obviously it's an AU so the Centaurs still have Shane, Bood, Luca, Troy etc.

Chapter 3: Chapter Three

Chapter Notes

This has hover translate! So if you see something written in Cyrillic script like this никогда тебя не брошуNever gonna give you up
just hover over it and it should translate into English!

Talking to Wayne was weird. He was very committed to pretending to be Shane Hollander, and so a lot of the time when he asked questions Ilya felt like he was just getting fake information. Like when he’d asked about his family, and Wayne said that he had a Japanese mother and a white father, just like Shane Hollander.

Other times it felt like he was getting the ‘real’ answer. They both talked about playing hockey growing up, and it seemed like the real Wayne probably did, based on how knowledgeable about it he was. But Wayne said that although he liked the game, in Junior hockey he got bullied so badly that he almost quit playing. That felt like a ‘real’ answer, because there’s no way that had happened to the actual hockey legend Shane Hollander.

Ilya found himself asking more and more questions to try to get ‘real’ answers, to get to know the person behind Wayne. It was satisfying, to feel like he way peeling the layers back and seeing what was underneath.

Ilya was really starting to like the ‘real’ Wayne.

-------------------------------------------------------

Chapter End Notes

Let me know what you think! <3

Chapter 4: Chapter Four

Chapter Notes

Important: When you get to the message that says "[Message not sent]" If you click on it, it will show you the secret unsent message underneath.

Chapter End Notes

Ok but for real programming that disappearing message took me like 6 hours, I could not figure it out lol. Thanks to the_untamed_poet25 for their HTML guide which is really helpful.

Also the last messages are supposed to be gifs but I cannot get them to work, the first gif works fine but for some reason it doesn't like having more than one gif? It's annoying.

Let me know what you think! <3

Chapter 5: Chapter Five

Chapter Notes

Sveta (Sparkling Heart )

Are you watching the Buffalo/Toronto game?

Of course

Hey, is Wayne watching this too?
...yes
What does he think of the
Buffalo power play?
He says they should put Anderson
on instead of Davies
Oooh Wayne is actually smart
That's exactly what I said
See, I told you, Wayne knows his shit about hockey
And also birds?
He's a weird guy
He's a weird guy, but you like him
ОтвяжисьFuck off
Has he sent you any more Shane Hollander pics?
Yes, many
Some are too hot to show you
Really?
Yes. I think he must have found like,
a pornstar that looks like Shane Hollander
Or maybe some are actually him
That seems optimistic
It's a nice dick, I can't hope it's his?
I bet you want to ask who the pornstar is
yes, but then I would be admitting
I know it's not him
And it feels wrong to do now
It's been like six months
He's the one who's lying
Well, he probably has a good reason
You think?
Wayne wouldn't lie to me for no reason

Ilya gets the call in the middle of a lecture. He's been expecting it, but it still hits like a punch straight to the stomach. He can't properly imagine living in a world without his father in it.

He makes it back to his apartment before he calls Sveta, because it will only really sink in when he talks to her, and if it sinks in too early he won't be able to get on the bus. She sorts out the packing and the passports and the flights, and she is there for the first day, when Ilya has to hold her hand, and watch as they put the coffin in the ground.

She's there for the next horrible day too, when the arguments start about who gets what, the remainders of Ilya's family clawing over the scraps like a pack of hyenas. Ilya just listens, and apologises to the lawyer, and when his brother yells at him so aggressively that he sprays spit on Ilya's black shirt, he just. Stands there.

Ilya sneaks out, on the third day. Not that it counts as sneaking, when nobody really cares where he is. Anywhere is better than being in that house, stuffed with people who resent him and the ghosts of bad memories. It's in an underpass in the Arbat district of Moscow, where he slumps down and finally does the thing his fingers have been itching for, and texts Wayne.

If there's one thing everybody knows about Shane Hollander, it's that his image is squeaky clean. He's Canada's Golden Boy. Almost never in fights on the ice, never gets caught drunk driving, or swearing at reporters, or having pregnancy scares with random puck bunnies.

So Ilya knows for sure that he would never let himself get photographed giving the middle finger. If he did, TMZ would splash it all over the front of the website, and then his terrifying mother would sue them.

Wayne sent the picture ten seconds after Ilya asked, so he wouldn't have time to photoshop it. On the call he said that he was home alone, and Ilya would have heard if there was someone else in the room. Ilya was very specific with his request, just the hand, nothing else. Heart in his mouth, Ilya does the same thing that they do on every episode of Catfish. He reverse searches the internet for the picture that Wayne sent.

No results.

Ilya sits back, a smile spreading over his face. Maybe it was stupid, but he was really, really hoping that after receiving his text, Wayne would do the easiest thing, and just send a picture of his own hand. And no results on the internet means he must have, right?

Finally, Ilya gets to have a piece of the real Wayne. Even if it's just a hand.

Chapter End Notes

This is the minor angst chapter. Plus the sort of general angst of Ilya thinking that Wayne is lying to him the whole time. But this is basically it.

Let me know what you think <3

Chapter 6: Chapter Six

Chapter Summary

Important:The spotify links are clickable! Scroll along and hit play to hear the songs.

Chapter Notes

Ilya is hanging out with Sveta in her gross apartment again, when she drops the bomb on him.

“Ilya, I think I figured out who your mystery man is." She must have planned this, Ilya thinks. Waited until he was in her apartment, so that it was more challenging for him to avoid having a difficult conversation. He looks around to see if any other people have come to this intervention.

"What do you mean?" Ilya feels the dread rising up in him. Wayne is a little guy in his phone who makes him happy. If Wayne turns into a real person, it makes everything more complicated.

"Look at this,” Sveta angles the screen at him, and Ilya sees the Instagram page of someone named Harris Drover.

“Who’s that?” The man's face doesn't look at all familiar.

“That’s Harris, the social media manager for the Centaurs. Look, he’s got a pride flag in his profile, and it is literally his job to take photos of Shane Hollander.” Ilya frowns at the screen. Social media manager is a type of sports administration, which is what Wayne said he did. He probably didn't want to be too specific, and give himself away.

“What? So you think he’s sending me photos that he took for social media and just never posted?”

It makes a lot of sense, and it explains how Wayne had managed to get so many exclusive shots of Shane Hollander. Ilya had been almost worried that Wayne was some kind of stalker. A social media person lightly abusing their job makes a lot more sense.

“But why is he pretending, this guy is cute?” Ilya says, looking a bit closer at the photos. The guy in the pictures has dark blonde hair, and a carefully groomed beard. He's smiling in almost all of the pictures, and from the outside he seems to have a lot of friends.

“You think he’s cute?” Sveta asks, a glint in her eye.

“Well obvious he’s no Shane Hollander, but I would hit on him at a bar. Hey, if it’s this guy I won’t even be mad. We could make it work,” the idea is starting to crystallise in his mind.

Wayne seems to understand him like nobody else. He is funny and nice, and supportive. Honestly, Ilya was prepared for him to be fifty years old or hideous, so this is kind of the best case scenario. A guy his own age, who lives in Ottawa, that Ilya already knows he gets along with.

“Ilya, he’s been lying to you for eight months, you can’t be seriously considering going out with him for real?” Sveta is looking at him like he's gone completely insane.

Ilya scrolls through a little further, seeing pictures of a farm, and a lot of shots of dogs. He tries to zoom in on Harris' hands. He can't tell if they're the same as the one in the picture Wayne sent.

“See, he has bunch of dogs. Dogs do not like bad people. Plus, look at this, he post body positivity stuff a lot. Probably he is just insecure, and that’s why he’s using someone else’s pictures.”

Wayne has never mentioned having a dog, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have one. Maybe Ilya can bring it up when they next talk, as a little test. Now that Ilya is looking at Harris' Instagram page, it seems like they have quite a few things in common. A lot of his posts are funny, although not in the same way that Wayne usually is. He clearly loves hockey, and he's out of the closet.

Shane had talked before about being more out. Maybe this is what he meant. Ilya is a little hurt that Wayne didn't mention to him that he'd decided to fully go for it, but ultimately it's not his business, and in a lot of ways, it makes things easier. Ilya isn't out yet, but he thinks maybe he wants to be, someday. It might make going back to Russia more difficult, but now that his father is dead he's not even sure what's left there for him.

It's so much better than Wayne being forty and married, which had always seemed the most likely scenario.

“It’s still kind of messed up,” Sveta says disapprovingly.

“No, it makes a lot of sense now. He talks about his diet a lot, like how he can’t eat certain foods. I think he probably just has a thing about it. Probably he did not mean for the lie to go on for so long.”

Wayne obviously wasn't looking for anything serious that first time they talked- who was, on Grindr? He'd seemed really shy, like it wasn't something he did a lot. And it is true that he might get in trouble, for using pictures of Shane Hollander for private business. That must be against the Social Media Manager Hippocratic Oath, or whatever. Thou shalt not use pictures of your coworkers to catfish hot men on Grindr.

“If you’re really sure.” Sveta rolls her eyes at him, which, Ilya probably deserves.

The more Ilya thinks about it, the more he wishes that Wayne had told him the truth from the beginning, or even after just a few messages. Now it seems like Wayne is determined to never let his real identity slip, and Ilya is worried that if he brings it up directly, it might scare him off. It doesn't seem worth it to risk Wayne never talking to him again.

Sveta (Sparkling Heart )

You were right
It's definitely that Harris guy
Wow really? How do you know?
He sent me a picture of him
at his 'friends' apple farm
Look, it's the same as the one
from Harris' Instagram

Chapter End Notes

What did we think? Let me know!

Chapter 7: Chapter Seven

Chapter Notes

The Canadian Tire Center is loud, and absolutely crawling with fans. Sveta is wearing a Boston jersey and Gucci earrings, and carrying an expensive handbag stuffed with popcorn she smuggled in to the stadium.

The seats are good, close enough that they can see the details of player’s faces. Ilya can’t help the way his eyes immediately drift over to Shane Hollander, who is doing some frankly obscene stretches on the ice. Ilya has seen them before, because Wayne somehow has pictures of his legs doing the same positions naked. A blush makes its way onto his face.

“He’s looking into the stands more than usual,” Sveta observes, staring at Shane Hollander.

For just a second, Ilya is sure that they lock eyes, and he feels a jolt of pure adrenaline go down his spine. From this distance it’s impossible to be sure, but it looks like a smile curves across his face.

“Ok Sveta, we must not get distracted by real Shane Hollander. We are here to look for fake Shane Hollander, aka Harris.” Ilya says decisively.

“God, he’s so hot though,” Sveta says dreamily.

“Yes, of course, but that is not important. Wayne said that he would be here, and we need to find him.” Sveta looks at Ilya and rolls her eyes.

“Is that even a good idea? It seems like Wayne doesn’t want to be found.” Sveta eats a piece of popcorn and continues to stare at Shane Hollander, who keeps skating past the area they’re sitting in.

“We’re not going to talk to him, I wouldn’t scare him like that. I just want to see him.”

For the next hour Ilya tries to keep scanning the arena for any sign of a stocky social media manager, but he can’t seem to find him. His attention keeps being pulled back to the game, because for some reason Shane Hollander is treating this mid-season game like the Stanley Cup finals.

Hollander has a hat trick by the third period, one of them a completely ridiculous goal from halfway down the rink. He raises his arms when it goes in, and the rest of the team swarms him. Boston tries to catch up, but it’s a wasted effort, and the game ends with the Centaur fans screaming Hollander’s name, while the Boston fans commiserate.

On their way out of the stadium, Ilya is doing one last scan, when he sees a flash of green eyes and blonde beard. He turns his full head around to see Harris’ profile, exactly the same as how it looked on instagram. He’s laughing, and his whole face is crinkled up, and Ilya wants desperately to be the one making him laugh like that. He only gets to see him for a second before he walks through a door reserved for staff only. He didn’t even see Ilya.

Ilya has to resist the urge to sit outside that door like a dog until he comes back.

Chapter End Notes

No hospital scene here so we get drunk texting instead! (In the morning Ilya texts 'do you still need my dick ;)' and Shane just texts back 'yes')

Chapter 8: Chapter Eight

Chapter Notes

Remember to click spotify links!

Ilya has spent a lot of time watching all of the Centaur's Instagram videos. Shane Hollander appears in a lot of them, which is nice, but the one Ilya is really looking out for is Harris. He's in a few videos, setting things up or conducting interviews. On camera, his personality seems quite different to Wayne. He's super cheerful and outgoing, which is nice, but that's not the vibe Ilya really gets from Wayne. But perhaps Harris is different online to how he is in person. Ilya will be okay with it either way, as long as they get to spend some actual time together.

Sveta (Sparkling Heart )

He wants to meet. For real
Your mystery man?
Well, it's not really a mystery
I asked him his favourite fruit
and he said apples
He's getting worse at hiding it
How do you feel?
Little bit scared but mainly excited
I want to see him. I want to touch him.
Mainly I want to talk to him.
But also sex would be nice
Is he going to apologise for lying to you?
Maybe. He sent me a bunch of scary legal stuff
So I think he is very nervous
He's making you sign stuff?
Yes but it was kind of my idea

Well, if you want to be crazy
I can't stop you
I want to be very crazy
With Wayne
But also we are meeting in a hotel
So I thought maybe I should tell you
Oh, so I know what to tell the police if
this stranger murders you?
Yes.
Ok but I also want the TV rights
It would make a good true crime show
What me and Wayne have is not true
crime, it is a great romance
A Shakespeare one with
many misunderstandings
But it turns out ok because it is true love
Ilyusha, I do not think Wayne is your true love
You met him on Grindr
But tell me the address, I will
look out for you

Chapter End Notes

They meet next chapter! How do we think it's going to go?

Let me know what you think <3

Chapter 9: Chapter Nine

Chapter Notes

Ilya opens the hotel room door, and finds himself in a hallway. This hotel room is enormous. Ilya hopes that Harris didn’t have to pull any strings to get it. He’s not sure how much money social media managers make, but it is definitely not enough to afford penthouse suites. Harris is probably already in trouble for taking so many pictures of Shane Hollander for him.

“Hello! It’s me, Ilya,” he calls.

“You can come into the room.” The voice he hears is smooth, but with the slightest shake of nervousness threaded through it. Wayne has a nice voice, yet another point in his favour. Ilya feels the relief sweep him that there is somebody there. He was worried that Wayne would get freaked out, and not show up at all. But he's here, which means that everything is going to be okay, because whatever Wayne says, whatever reasons he gives for hiding, they can figure it out together.

Ilya slowly pushes the door open. He sees reeboks, and a pair of dark sweatpants. Harris’ legs look more muscular than they did on instagram, maybe he’s been working out recently? His thighs are mouthwateringly thick, and Ilya can’t wait to get his hands on them.

Ilya pushes the door the rest of the way, and comes face to face with Shane Hollander sitting on the bed, anxiously twisting his fingers together.

“What the fuck,” he blurts out before he can help it. Shane Hollander’s eyes blow open wide in panic.

“Ilya, I’m really sorry, I know this is a lot, but if you could stay calm…”

“Where’s Harris?” Ilya asks, mind whirring. How has Harris managed to engineer this? Has he got some kind of blackmail on Shane Hollander? Otherwise, how would he be able to convince the real Shane Hollander to come to a hotel room just to meet Ilya?

“I know it’s surprising but… wait what do you mean, where’s Harris?”

Shane Hollander’s beautiful eyebrows pull together in a frown, and Ilya can’t resist taking a quick peek at him. It's a Pavlov response at this point, since he has now spent so much time looking at dirty pictures of him. Somehow he looks even better in real life. Ilya feels suddenly guilty for betraying Harris, even though it is sort of his fault for sending him one million pictures of Shane Hollander. Besides, it is mainly because Shane Hollander seems to be the only person in the room. As soon as Harris gets here, Ilya's eyes will only be for him.

“Harris Drover, your social media manager? The one I’ve been talking to for the last year,” Ilya says meaningfully. It’s no use pretending he doesn’t know at this point. He looks at the door to the ensuite bathroom. Maybe Harris is hiding in there, and he’s been waiting for the chance to come out?

He’s definitely made things more complicated than they need to be. Ilya was prepared to fake surprise and anger for ten minutes while Harris explained, reveal that he actually knew all along, and then move straight on to the sex. Now they have to add ‘kicking Centaurs captain Shane Hollander out of the room’ to the itinerary.

“What do you mean? You’ve been talking to me for the past year? How is Harris involved in any of this?” All that commercial work must be paying off, because Shane Hollander is a pretty good actor. Ilya is almost convinced that the confused look on his face is real.

Ilya comes in and sits down on the bed, then moves back a bit because he can smell Shane Hollander’s cologne and it’s distracting him. As mouth-wateringly attractive as he is, he’s not the one that Ilya wants. Ilya wants the person he’s laughed with, the one who has tried to cheer him up when he’s had a bad day, the one who has been the whole center of his world for the last few months.

“Look, you don’t have to pretend anymore. I’ve figured it all out already. Harris was using your pictures to talk to me.” Ilya raises his voice slightly so that if Harris is hiding somewhere he can hear him. “But I don’t care about that! I don’t care about appearances, it’s the heart inside that matters. And if that heart belongs to Harris, then he’s the one I want.”

“Sorry. I’m really confused right now. So you don’t want to date me, you want to date Harris, the social media director?” Shane Hollander’s eyes are wide and they’re so beautiful that Ilya can only make eye contact for a second before he has to look away.

“Yes. You can go, I should be talking about all of this with Harris. Where is he anyway?” Ilya looks around. He was hoping that Harris would have revealed himself by now.

“I have no idea? Probably at home? With his boyfriend?” Ilya feels his heart crumple in his chest.

“Oh. He has boyfriend? That’s really… fuck, I’m so stupid. I knew he is lying to me about the pictures, but I thought some of it was real. Even if he was a catfish. He told me so many things about himself, about how he never fit in, that he felt like a polar bear stuck in a rainforest. Why would he tell me all those things?”

Ilya can feel himself babbling, and it’s so embarrassing, that he might end up crying in a hotel room in front of Shane Hollander. Who is now laughing at him.

“Ilya. I said that to you. I’m the one who’s been texting you for a year. Me, Shane Hollander. Not Harris, or anyone else. Also what is a catfish?" Shane Hollander shuffles closer on the bed, and reaches out, touching Ilya’s face.

"Catfish is very popular TV show about people who pretend to be someone else on the internet," Ilya says robotically. He can feel Shane Hollander's warm skin against his face.

"Right. Well, I've never seen it, but I'm not a catfish. I'm just me." He puts his hand down, and Ilya immediately wants him to put it back.

Only one word can come out of Ilya. “No.”

“I can prove it, look.” Shane Hollander reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone that has a fading Centaurs sticker on the case. He unlocks it, then flicks through to his messaging history, scrolling through the whole thread with Ilya.

"This does not make sense. Why would you talk to me if you are real Shane Hollander?" Ilya starts looking around the room, to see if the producers of Catfish: The TV Show have changed the formula recently, and it is now a prank show, and they are about to jump out at him.

Shane Hollander’s eyes flick down, and look at his lips. Ilya forgets to breathe for a second. “I talk to you because you’re sweet, and funny, and you know about hockey, and because you sent me a bunch of really hot pictures,” Shane says, and smiles at him like they have a secret.

Ilya realises suddenly that they do have a secret. Shane Hollander, very careful and image conscious person wouldn't have sent all of that to just anyone. It's really starting to look as if he actually, maybe, is interested in Ilya. Like somehow Ilya wasn't being tricked or lied to, Shane Hollander was just nervous. In fact, he still looks at bit nervous now. Ilya decides that this is one problem he knows already how to fix.

“You liked them? You know pictures are good, but is even better in person,” Ilya says. He's not quite got the shock out of his voice, but he's doing his best. He shifts slightly on the bed, and the box of condoms falls out of his pocket.

Shane Hollander leans over and grabs them.

“Did you buy condoms expecting to come here and fuck Harris Drover? Even though you thought he was lying to you?” Shane asks, teasingly. Ilya can’t even deny it.

“Yes. Yes, I did do that.”

“Well, Harris isn’t here right now, so maybe you could use them on me instead?” Shane's beautiful brown eyes are wide, and there's still a note of apprehension in his voice, like he's worried that Ilya might turn around and reject him.

Ilya leans over, and finally crashes his lips together with Shane’s. Shane’s hands immediately come to land on his hips, and Ilya groans, opening his mouth and letting Shane lick into it. He puts his own hands on Shane’s waist, and pulls him forward, until Shane is sitting in his lap, their crotches grinding together.

“God, you are so fucking hot. You’re a dream,” Ilya moans, as Shane starts kissing his neck,

“Fuck, I’ve wanted to do this for so long. Since you sent me that first picture,” Shane says, pulling off his shirt, and tracing his hands all over Ilya’s chest, squeezing his pecs and running his fingers over each one of his abs.

Ilya pulls his shirt off too, and starts unbuttoning Shane’s pants, stroking the bulge he can already feel in his underwear.

“Can I taste you?” Ilya asks, unable to wait a moment more without the other man in his mouth.

“Yes, but don’t make me come. I want to come with you inside me,” Shane whispers into his ear, then bites his ear lobe.

Ilya pushes Shane Hollander down on the bed, and strips off every remaining piece of clothing. The body in front of him is so familiar, he knows every dip and curve of it, and he needs to put his hands on all of it. He starts by pressing kisses to Shane's chest, biting one of his perfect nipples and listening to the other man groan. He keeps going, trailing kisses downwards until he takes all of him in his mouth. Shane pulls at his hair, tangling his fingers through the curls.

"Fuck, Ilya I might not last that long. It's been a while," Shane Hollander says, which feels like a crime now that he's seen him naked.

"A while? You jerked off on the phone with me last night," Ilya teases him, pulling his mouth off but keeping a hand stroking him. "Or maybe you were faking it?"

"Fuck off. You know what I mean, in real life. With a real person." Ilya tries not to look as delighted as he feels. They hadn't ever talked about being exclusive, but after a certain point, Ilya had just started wishing every stranger in a bar was Wayne.

"Hmm, has been a while for me too. Can I touch you here?" Ilya asks, slowly sliding a finger downwards, stroking Shane's hole. He reaches into the pocket of his sweatpants, and brings out the lube he brought just in case.

"Fuck. Yes, please. Please touch me there. I prepared a bit already just in case," Shane says, and Ilya can feel that it's slightly wet with lube already. Fuck, he could probably push two fingers in right now. He won't, obviously, because he wants to watch Shane get whiny and beg him the way he always does on the phone, but it's so insanely hot to think that he could. That The Shane Hollander was so desperate to fuck him that he spent an hour stretching his hole to fit Ilya's cock.

Ilya has had him panting down the phone often enough that he can tell just from Shane's breathing when a spot feels good. It's so much better in person though, because Ilya gets to watch the flush on his cheeks deepen, the way that his cock twitches at the same time."

"Fuck Shane, you are so good for me. So fucking beautiful, мой любимыйmy darling."

"трахнуть меняfuck me," Shane moans, asking Ilya to fuck him in perfect fucking Russian, and Ilya's already rock hard dick actually twitches in his pants.

"Fuck, how long have you been practicing? That was so fucking hot Shane," Ilya says, pulling off his own underwear and watching Shane's eyes widen looking at what Ilya has for him.

"I wanted to surprise you. Which seems stupid now. Fuck, let me suck it a little before you put it in?"

Ilya shifts up the bed so that he can feed his cock into Shane Hollander's mouth, who actually closes his eyes in contentment when it hits the back of his throat. He sucks deeply, wrapping a hand around the last few inches that he can't quite take. He's messier than Ilya expected, and he so obviously loves it that Ilya is suddenly blindingly jealous of everyone who's ever had his mouth before.

"Shane, you take me so well. So beautiful, so perfect." Ilya runs a hand through his hair, and then pulls a bit tighter on the hair on the back of his neck. Hollander groans and tries to say something but his mouth is too full of cock.

"Okay, stop stop," Hollander pulls it out of his mouth, and messily kisses it before looking back up at Ilya. There's a strand of spit still connecting his lips to Ilya's cock, and so Ilya wipes it away with a finger.

"Too good?" Hollander asks with a small smirk that Ilya is desperate to wipe off his face.

"Legs up," Ilya orders, and Shane immediately shuffles down the bed, putting his feet up on Ilya's shoulders.

Ilya rolls the condom on, and slides his fingers back in, making sure that there's space, that it'll be good for him. That he might even let Ilya do it again, in the morning, if he's in a really good mood. Ilya wants to make sure that he will be, and he's pretty sure he can do it. He pulls out the fingers, and then licks a stripe across it with his tongue. Shane's face makes an expression that would be ugly on anyone else, and his toes curl, as he lets out a deep moan.

"Ilya, your tongue is," Shane cuts himself off with another loud moan as Ilya slides it in easily, stroking inside Shane as far as he can go.

"Ok, you are ready for me," Ilya says, once he's pulled his face away. "You still want?"

"Fuck yes Ilya, I still want."

Ilya slides it in slowly, the tight heat wrapping around him perfectly. Shane's mouth drops open as he rubs against his sweet spot, but he keeps going until he's fully buried inside. He leans forward, and Shane easily seals their lips together, licking inside of Ilya's mouth, hands grabbing onto his biceps as his body accepts everything that Ilya gives him. Ilya lets him adjust, then slowly pulls out, and pushes back in, feeling Shane clench around him.

"You like that?"

He asks, rolling his hips, each thrust deeper than the last but still agonizingly slow.

"Faster. Come on, I want it hard," Shane moans, biting his fat bottom lip.

The last of Ilya's resolve melts like sugar in a wet mouth, and he speeds up, tilting his hips so that he nails Shane's prostate with every thrust, punching little moans out of him. He can feel himself racing towards the finish line, but Shane's cock is dripping with every roll of his hips, and his groans are getting breathier. Ilya gives him a particularly brutal thrust, and gets to watch as Shane's perfect cock comes all over his chest, completely untouched, face more beautiful than anything in a museum.

Ilya makes it through three more thrusts, then stills deep inside, burying his nose in Shane's hair as he empties everything into the condom.

After a bit of cleanup with some wet wipes that Shane brought with him, they both lie on the bed, Ilya with his arms around Shane, spooning him.

“That was so fucking hot,” Shane says, voice tight from the exertion.

“Better than you imagined?” Ilya asks.

“Definitely. What about you? Obviously very different to how you imagined,” Shane says with a chuckle.

“Hmmm. Is same and not same. I am just happy that I get to finally be with the person I’ve been thinking about for so long. The nerd who told me what all of the birds on my windowsill were.” It's really strange, to think that he has already shared so many deep confessions, and unlikely dreams, and stupid in jokes with the person in his arms.

“That wasn’t even nerdy! Those were like, super common, entry level birds.”

Shane turns around so that he can properly express his indignation, although there's a smile underneath it, and he's pressing closer to Ilya, putting a hand on his thigh.

“Shane, you could not even see them! You just heard them in the background of a call.”

Shane traces a circle on his thigh, and Ilya wants to bite him.

“Well, everybody should know what a House Finch sounds like,” Shane grumbles.

“See, there he is again. That’s мой любимыйmy darling.” Ilya squeezes him a bit tighter, and feels Shane’s smile before he even sees it.

"You know, I did think it was weird that you were a huge NHL fan but you didn't recognise me at all," Shane says, pressing a kiss to Ilya's bicep.

"Awww. Were you disappointed?" Shane nods but there's something shifty in it.

"Wait, did you think I was dumb?" Shane's silence is too long.

"Oh my god you did." Ilya pushes him away, then immediately squeezes him back and covers his face with kisses.

"Well, I sent you a bunch of pictures of me in the Centaurs locker room!" Shane says indignantly, like it's Ilya's own fault.

"Hmmm yes, is what made me so sure you were Harris." Shane's laugh is almost a giggle. He is like a little fairy. A massive, heavily muscled, extremely hot fairy.

"I actually thought you had figured it out, but then you asked me what colour my hair is. And then you kept talking about how you liked men with beards." Ilya can see the gears spinning in his mind, so he gives Shane a minute.

"Wait, is that even true, or did you just say that because you thought I was Harris?"

"Beards can be hot! But not for you, would hide your pretty jawline," Ilya says, stroking a finger over Shane's throat.

"You're unbelievable," Shane says fondly, giving his pec a squeeze.

"I am unbelievable. I have most beautiful man in the world in my bed. This is very unbelievable to me," Ilya says seriously.

Shane hums. "Strong words from a man who did not even put me on his list of hottest NHL players."

"Four." Ilya says.

"What? You'd put me number four?" The adorable frown has appeared again on Shane's face.

"No, is number of copies I have of Cosmo magazine from 2014 where they put you on the cover in those little shorts." Ilya squeezes with the hand that has not left Shane's ass.

"You know, I still have them. I could wear them for you sometime," Shane says, which forces Ilya to sloppily make out with him for ten minutes.

"Is very, very lucky that you know I like you for your personality. Because I have many things to say about your body and some of them are not respectful," Ilya says.

Ilya kisses Shane's beautiful mouth and starts moving his hands with more intention, until he hears his phone buzz.

"Wait! I need to text Sveta," Ilya says suddenly. "Or she will think that you murdered me, and already she will have Netflix on the phone." Shane has an adorable confused smile. Ilya can't believe he went this long without seeing it.

"Oh. Right, of course." Ilya gives Shane a quick kiss, because he can now. The quick kiss turns into quite a long one with a lot of tongue, until he reluctantly pulls away again.

"How much am I allowed to tell her? She thinks that I would be seeing Harris." Shane laughs beautifully.

"If you really trust her, you can tell her everything. I don't want you to be a secret for much longer," Shane says.

"Oh, so you will be keeping me around?" Ilya teases.

"If that's what you want? I could maybe still get you Harris' number, if you wanted to be completely sure..." Ilya pounces on top him, and they wrestle around in the bedsheets. Shane is stronger, but he likes being pinned down more.

"Shane, you are my catfish. I have caught you now. I am not letting you back into the ocean." Shane melts into him as he says it.

"You really had no idea that it was me?" Shane asks, looking at him more seriously. Ilya pauses, and takes both of his hands.

"Shane Hollander. I never ever, for even one single second, thought that it was really you." Shane's face cracks into a smile, and Ilya kisses it away, then finally texts Sveta.

Sveta (Sparkling Heart )

So how's it going with the catfish?
I'm assuming it went so badly
you're embarrassed to tell me
... or so well you're too busy to text
Ok seriously Ilya I will be really mad
if you get murdered
(Sparkling Heart )(Sparkling Heart )(Sparkling Heart )
I am the happiest man in the world
Jesus
Also we are both very, very dumb
How's Wayne
In bed next to me (Smiling Face With Heart-Shaped Eyes )

Chapter End Notes

Thanks for reading! This is officially the last chapter, however I am planning to write a bonus chapter where Ilya goes to his first Centaurs barbecue and has to explain to everyone (including the real Harris) how they met. Also if I figure out any more coding tricks I might add them in for practice.

(Also if you want to read more misunderstandings but the Tragedy Edition read my other fic, The Ice is Colder in Moscow)

Let me know what you think! <3

Chapter 10: Bonus Chapter

Chapter Notes

Minor spoilers for The Long Game/Role Model. The two guys on the front cover of the book get together. Shocking, I know. Also I sort of can't remember most of the Centaur's canon personalities so some of them are a bit made up.

Ilya is delighted when Shane tries to casually bring up him coming to one of the Centaur’s barbecues. He does it while they’re cooking together, probably so that he has something to do with his hands while they have the conversation.

“So, obviously you don’t have to come. But I think it would be really nice if you were there. Maybe. So that you could meet everyone.” Shane is cutting the garlic so small that it’s turned into a paste. Ilya hands him a tomato so that he has something new to focus on.

“I would love to come and meet the team. And I would be coming as…” Ilya leaves a pause to give Shane a bit of extra time to come up with an answer.

“As my boyfriend, obviously. Of course, as my boyfriend.” Shane looks confused at the idea of introducing him as anything else. Ilya drops the spatula he’s been using to stir the onions and wraps his arms around Shane. He’s so happy he grips harder, and lifts Shane off the ground for just a second, then puts him down and plants a big wet kiss on his cheek. Shane is blushing now, definitely distracted.

“I would love to come and meet your team. Is such an honour to be your boyfriend. I want to tell as many people as possible. You know, I told my mailman by accident last week. He was holding a newspaper with your face on it, and I said wow look, that is a picture of my boyfriend.”

“You did what?” Shane looks scandalised.

“Is okay, he did not believe me. Also I was not specific so maybe he thinks Zane Boodram is my boyfriend.” Shane cracks a smile and kisses him long enough for the onions to start to go brown, getting sweeter and floppier just like the man in his arms.

"Te amoI love you ,” says Ilya.

“Σε αγαπώI love you ,” says Shane back, smiling at him.

“I really want to introduce you to them too. Show them what a handsome, smart, sweet guy you are. I know that they’d all love you if they met you, I mean they’d have to. And it’s not like I’d even be the only guy on the team with a boyfriend, because obviously Troy’s with Harris, and nobody is shitty about that, so I’m sure they wouldn’t be shitty about you either.”

“I am sure they will not be assholes. You are their captain, and they respect you, but you are also their friend. They will just want the best for you. So ah, maybe they will not like me after all,” Ilya says, jokingly but also not really.

“You are the best for me. And if they don’t like you, fuck them.” Shane has transitioned from worry into annoyance, which Ilya supposes is good.

Ilya reaches over to stir the onions, and Shane picks the knife back up, but not before brushing some of the hair off Ilya’s face and kissing him again. Ilya regrets that he has to bring the mood down again, but he does need to address the elephant in the room.

“Shane, I have realised something. Harris will be at this barbecue, right?” Shane gets that frown he has whenever Ilya brings up Harris. It is just as adorable as usual.

“Yes. Him and Troy, his boyfriend , are both going.”

"Wait, Troy as in Troy Barrett? Your teammate?"

Troy Barrett had a reputation for being one of the most homophobic players on the ice, before he transferred to the Centaurs. Ilya had worried about it before, but Shane had told him that it wasn't a problem, and they were actually becoming friends. Ilya had always suspected he was overcompensating, but it is interesting to have that confirmed.

"Oh shit, I forgot he's not out. Fuck, well I guess you'd find out at the barbecue anyway. I still shouldn't have done that though."

Shane looks troubled, and Ilya really wants to wipe that expression away, but he needs to rip the bandaid off first.

“We all make mistakes. And just now, I am also remembering something I should not have done. Do not be mad at me. But I am realising now that I accidentally stalked Harris.” Ilya cringes internally just thinking about it.

“What? You mean when you watched all his videos online?” Shane asks.

“Yes, but also in person, when I went to the Centaurs game. Me and Sveta tried to find him in the rink, because we wanted to see him in real life. I do not think I can spend time with Harris.”

“Hmmm what a shame,” Shane says, chopping the tomatoes more passionately. “This was the game where I scored a hat trick and won MVP?”

Ilya grins and walks over to him, wrapping himself around Shane, and kissing the side of his neck.

“Baby, I know you’re jealous but I do actually need help here.” Shane rolls his eyes, but slips a hand underneath Ilya’s shirt, and strokes the skin underneath it.

“I’m not jealous of Harris,” he says, unconvincingly. Ilya reaches over and slides the completely mangled tomatoes into the pan.

“Shane, you have to help me, I remember the names of all of his cousins. He does not know me at all, you have to stop me from looking crazy.”

“Wow, sounds like you were really obsessed.” Shane’s voice is annoyed, but he’s biting back a smile.

“You cannot be mad, because the whole time I was actually obsessed with you. Shane Hollander, I am your number one fan.”

“I don’t know about that. What about that guy on reddit who made a picture of me using grains of rice?” Shane teases.

Shane’s not holding a knife anymore, so Ilya drops to his knees dramatically, grabs Shane’s foot and starts tickling it.

“Say I’m your number one fan, and I stop.” Shane is wriggling, trying to pull his foot away from Ilya, laughing uncontrollably.

“Nooooo!” Ilya keeps going, Shane almost falling to the floor in his efforts to get away.

“Shane Hollander, I will not stop until you say it!” Ilya manages to get his other hand under Shane’s armpit and starts tickling there too, targeting all of Shane’s most sensitive areas.

“Okay fine! You’re my number one fan, you’re my number one fan!” Shane gasps out, slumping back as Ilya finally lets go of his foot.

“This is what I like to hear. Man on reddit has not made you cum so hard it hits your glasses.” Shane looks at him fondly.

“Ilya, أُحِبُّكَI love you .” It always makes Ilya smile, to hear Shane make unfamiliar vowel sounds. He’s so good at this.

“Mahal kitaI love you , Shane.”

Ilya can’t help the bit of nervousness in his stomach. He’s usually good at meeting new people, but this situation is practically custom designed to give him a heart attack. Shane had casually mentioned that he’d never introduced anyone to his team before. Not just the Centaurs, but with the Metros either. When he was dating women, he was never with someone long enough, and introducing a boyfriend was out of the question.

Shane has tried to pretend that it doesn’t bother him.

“If they don’t support me, then screw them. I didn’t move all the way to fucking Ottawa for them to reject me too. They’d never make the playoffs without me.”

But as soon as Ilya got the privilege to see Shane’s facial expressions, he made it his mission to learn what all of them mean. The pinch in his eyebrows and the tension in his shoulder means that the Centaurs supporting him is actually very important to him.

That means that Ilya needs to be on his best behaviour. And Ilya isn’t always good at being on his best behaviour, particularly when he’s a bit nervous.

When they knock on the door, perfectly on time as Shane insisted, the door is answered by someone who is presumably Bood’s wife. Her face splits into a smile as soon as she sees Shane, and she gives Ilya a quick once over. He hopes the shirt looks as nice as Shane insisted it did.

“Shane! So lovely to see you. And this must be your new man?” She gives Shane a quick friendly hug, and then does the same for Ilya.

“Hello, I am Ilya. This is for you, to thank you for having me. I am Russian, so this is Russian vodka. The good stuff.” She thanks him and admires the bottle, and Ilya feels like a hurdle has been cleared.

They make their way into Bood’s backyard, and Shane does a double-take at the amount of hockey players already there, sitting around chatting. Troy and Harris are sitting next to each other on plastic lawn chairs, both holding bottles of cider. Ilya tries to look at them a normal amount. Bood gives a wave from where he’s stationed on the Barbecue. Whatever he’s grilling smells delicious, sizzling meat along with Caribbean spices.

As soon as they enter, eyes flick to Ilya. From all of the time he spent watching Ottawa Centaur games and behind the scenes videos, he can instantly recognise everyone. It seems like all the rest of the team arrived suspiciously early for this casual weekend barbecue.

“Hello everyone! Wow, so many people here already. This is Ilya, he’s the person I mentioned that I was bringing with me. He’s my boyfriend.” Shane’s hand grips Ilya’s a little tighter as he says it. Ilya studies everyone’s faces. They all break out into smiles and start talking at once.

“Wow, congrats Cap!”

“Good for you!”

“Thanks for introducing him!”

“Come sit with me, I want to meet him!” That one comes from Luca, and so Shane smiles and brings Ilya over to the two empty chairs next to him. Ilya is starting to suspect that the Centaurs were also nervous for this introduction.

“Of course Luca!” Shane looks relieved as he sits down. There’s silence for a moment, and Ilya watches several of the Centaurs make eye contact.

Holmberg is the one to break the silence. “So how did the two of you meet?” He asks with a smile.

Ilya dramatically clasps a hand to his chest. “Shane, you have not told your teammates our great love story?”

“No, I have not.” Ilya knew that Shane didn’t like to talk about his personal life, especially the gay aspects of his personal life, but he assumed that Shane had told them at least a few things about him.

“Your great love story? Now I want to hear this,” Bood’s wife says.

“Hmmmm.” Shane grumbles. Some of the circle looks at him in surprise.

“Shane does not think how we met is romantic.”

“It’s not romantic, it’s horrifying. It was romantic for me, for you it was a psychological thriller.” Shane’s eyes have got really big and beautiful as usual. Ilya squeezes his hand reassuringly. The other hockey players are looking at them even more curiously.

“Ahhh no. He is being dramatic.” If Shane hasn’t told his coworkers anything, then they deserve to get the best version, from him.

“So it all starts when I get a message from somebody on Grindr.” For some reason Troy Barrett looks delighted at this admission.

“I look at his picture, and think wow, he is so hot. But then I look closer, and I think, wait a minute. There is no face, but that is a picture of Shane Hollander. It is on the billboard three streets away.”

The circle laughs. Shane frowns.

“Wow, so he didn’t have you fooled for a second?” Young chuckles.

“Shane, why would you use a photo from a billboard on Grindr?” Harris sounds almost offended.

“It was a good photo of me! I don’t just sit around taking shirtless pictures of myself.” Shane is rolling his eyes, like using pr photos on Grindr was a completely normal and non-insane choice. Ilya loves him so much.

“Yes, this is one of the many differences between us. Opposites attract. So naturally when I see these photos I am thinking that I am being catfished. We all know what this is, yes?” Everyone nods.

“I can’t believe everyone knew what that is except for me.” Shane grumbles.

“But he is so nice and funny, I keep talking to him, even though I think I am being catfished.”

“Yes, and then we met and fell in love for real,” Shane interrupts. Ilya glares at him for a second. Ilya is trying to be on his best behaviour, but he hates skipping parts of their love story.

“Wait, so when did you realise he wasn’t catfishing you? How long were you guys just talking?” Luca asks. A very good question, Ilya likes him already.

“A whole year!” Says Ilya proudly.

“It was eleven months,” says Shane guiltily.

This causes some chaos.

“Ah, ah! Shane did not even let me do best part of the story, where I think that actually it is Harris that I am talking to. Hi Harris!” Harris waves back excitedly.

“Wait why did you think it was Harris?” Bood asks, who has stopped even pretending to focus on the barbecue.

“Because he kept sending me all these really sexy pictures of Shane Hollander, and I couldn’t understand where he got them. So I thought maybe he was Harris. Also maybe that Harris was a perv. Sorry about that!”

“It’s okay, I forgive you,” says Harris, with his big smile. Ilya maybe blushes a bit, and hopes nobody notices.

“So I was fully prepared to go to this hotel room and start my great romance with Harris…”

“You what,” says Troy Barrett, who has noticed the blush.

“Yes because I see photos of Harris on instagram, and I see that he is cute, so I think we can make it work even with the lies.”

“Ok, we are having a conversation about this later,” Troy Barrett says, looking meaningfully at Ilya. Harris has gone slightly pink.

“But then I get there and the real Shane Hollander is there!”

“Wow, I bet it felt amazing to see him there!” Luca says, eyes a little dreamy. Ilya is now wondering whether Luca would also like to find Shane Hollander in a hotel room. He puts his hand more obviously on Shane's knee.

“Well no, because I thought that this was still part of the trick.”

“His first words to me were where’s Harris,” Shane adds helpfully, which makes everyone except for Troy Barrett laugh. Ilya gives his hand a squeeze. Shane usually gets into the story by the end. It’s a bit messy, but it’s their story after all.

“And after much explaining with words and with bodies… we started our great romance.” Ilya leans closer, slowly enough that Shane could pull away if he wanted to, and presses their lips together. Shane’s eyes are full of stars afterwards.

“Shane hates the story because he thinks it makes him look bad.”

Shane pushes his shoulder “It makes me look like a complete idiot.”

“Yes, but it makes me look like an idiot too. We are idiots together.” This time Shane is the one who kisses him first. It’s so brave it makes Ilya’s chest tighten.

“You guys are adorable,” Luca says. There’s general agreement from the rest of the Centaurs. Shane blinks, like he’s forgotten they’re in a room full of people.

Ilya taps a reassuring little rhythm on Shane's thigh, every time one of the centaurs asks a particularly personal question.

"You can't do that one," Shane whispers in his ear, after the fifth time he repeats it. "I was a boy scout, I understand morse code."

"Oh sorry," Ilya whispers back, then does it one more time. Shane curls a hand around Ilya's arm, and then taps it out on the muscle that Ilya knows is his favourite, the one he makes sure to kiss every time he sees Ilya without a shirt. The tiny taps feel like Shane is shouting it, yelling I love you in front of the whole room.

They stick close together for the rest of the evening. Lots of people have questions about how long they were talking, and who made the first move, but none of the questions are intentionally disrespectful. Some of them are slightly too crude, but that’s better than Ilya could have expected from a bunch of hockey players. Also Bood’s Trini style chicken is delicious, so Ilya is in an extremely good mood.

His mouth is burning a little bit, because Bood warned them it was spicy, and then Shane had bet him that he could take more heat. And then Holmberg started taking bets from everyone else, and so it turned into a bit of a hot sauce eating competition. Which Shane eventually won, since apparently he has a crazy spice tolerance, because when he was younger any time he didn't like the texture of a food, but didn't want to be rude, he just drowned it in hot sauce. So overall the evening is going really well.

Then Troy Barrett makes extremely meaningful eye contact and tilts his head to the side, indicating it’s time for a more private chat.

Ilya hasn’t been avoiding Troy and Harris so much as staying on one side of the room while they stay on the other. But now Troy Barrett is throwing down the gauntlet. Ilya needs a bit of time to compose himself. Shane also saw Troy’s head tilt, but helpfully he absolutely has not picked up on what’s going on, and so Ilya can stall for a bit, and beg Sveta for advice.

Troy Barrett is not sure how he got himself into this situation. What is the deal with this guy? Shane Hollander isn’t enough for him, he needs to steal his boyfriend too? His lovely, charming, funny boyfriend who he is still hiding from the world for some reason.
“So, what’s the deal with you and Harris?” Troy asks right away.

“Ah, yes. Well, first of all, Harris it is very nice to meet you. I am a big fan of your work. It was your idea to film puppy interview with Shane, yes?” Harris visibly brightens. Troy remembers how much time he had spent organising that, and how happy he’d looked while editing the footage.

“Oh, you saw that? Yeah, I used puppies from my parents’ farm. I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“Harris, they should give Oscar to you, not to director of sad movie nobody likes,” Shane’s boyfriend says very seriously. Troy cannot believe what is happening in front of his eyes.

“Ok ok, so the story is that because Ilya was so obsessed with me, but I wouldn’t show my face on Grindr, for a little bit of time, he thought I might be Harris. But now obviously he knows it was really me, and so all that stuff with Harris doesn’t matter so much,” Shane says. He doesn’t look particularly pleased at Ilya’s gushing either.

“Yes, you guys make cute couple,” Shane’s boyfriend adds. “Not as cute as us, of course, but very adorable.”

“Hmmm. Well, you should probably know that Harris really loves hockey players anyway, so sorry dude it was never gonna happen." Troy feels the need to say, squeezing Harris’ hand.

"I actually played hockey when I was younger! But I got injured and had to quit," Shane’s boyfriend says.

"Really?" Troy asks, a little deflated. "Well, I mean a lot of people played hockey growing up, it's not like being a professional."

"Oh no, Ilya is underselling himself, he was seriously good," Shane puts in. "He was made captain of the Russian World Juniors team, but he got injured before the actual competition."

"Oh, you were actually good?" Troy can tell that his face is doing something unpleasant. The Russian team won, the year he played in the World Juniors. It’s always been a bit of a sore spot for him.

"Yes, look at this!" Shane’s boyfriend excitedly pulls out his phone and shows Troy an article. It's all in Cyrillic, but there's a grainy photo of a guy in hockey gear that could be a younger version of him.

"You know, some people would think carrying something like that around from when you were 16 is lame," Troy can't help but say. Harris nudges him urgently, and Shane looks amused.

"No, this is not why I have it! This article talks about how I am a young hockey prodigy, set to be team captain, but then it mentions another hockey prodigy, in Canada." Shane’s boyfriend points excitedly at the article and Troy sees some English letters among all the unfamiliar characters. It says very clearly in black and white the name 'Shane Hollander.'

"Look, that's my name, next to Shane's! It was always meant to be." Shane’s boyfriend gives Shane such a disgustingly sappy look that Troy almost feels uncomfortable. The ghost of his own internalised homophobia rises up at the blatant expression of love on his face.

"He loves showing people that," Shane says, blushing a little.

Troy is feeling slightly less like this guy is going to steal his boyfriend.

“You should send me a copy of that!” Harris says enthusiastically. “If you guys ever decide to come out publicly, it would make a really cute instagram post.” Troy glances over and is not surprised to see Shane Hollander looking slightly horrified.

“Ah, this reminds me. Is good time to have this conversation.” Troy notices a sneaky look in Shane’s boyfriend’s eye that he doesn’t like at all. “When Ottawa wins the cup, who will be kissing their boyfriend on the ice? You and Troy need to have a fight for this, I think,” He says, looking at Shane.

“Shane can do it,” Troy says, at exactly the same time as Shane says “There’s no fucking way I’m doing that.” Shane’s boyfriend makes an exaggerated sad face.

“But me and Harris will be so sad, if we do not get big gay kiss on the ice. Is tradition, no? And for us, will be even better because when we do it the pictures will not be in black and white, like Scotts’.” Harris laughs, and Shane Hollander hides a smile. For a non-hockey player, Troy has to recognise that it’s a decent chirp.

“That was a year and a half ago, Ilya. Also, I am not waiting until Ottawa wins a cup before I share you with the world,” Shane Hollander says, more romantically than Troy thought he was capable of being.

“True, but you should probably wait more than three weeks, moy lyubimmy,” Ilya says fondly.

“Wait, have you guys only been together for three weeks?” Harris asks.

“No! Well. It’s complicated, because of all the time where I did not really know who Shane was, and so I could not properly open my heart. It has been a year since have been talking. But for meeting in person, yes, it is three weeks.” Troy exchanges very meaningful eye contact with Harris.

As a captain, Shane is highly focused and consistent. He doesn’t let himself get dragged into petty feuds, and he has an incredible eye for long-term strategy. It is surprising to learn that when it comes to his love life, he is a complete disaster.

“But it’s a lot longer that we’ve had… strong feelings for each other, right?” Shane says meaningfully, now holding hands with his boyfriend and looking in his eyes.

“Of course. 사랑해요I love you,” says Ilya. Troy has watched enough K-dramas with Harris to know what ‘I love you’ sounds like in Korean. Does Ilya think Shane is Korean? Is that how little they know each other?

“Ich liebe dichI love you,” Shane says in response, which suggests that maybe this is just a weird game they’re playing.

They start kissing for much longer than necessary or appropriate. Both of them have definitely forgotten that Troy and Harris are there.

“I don’t think you’ll have to fight for my honour anytime soon,” Harris whispers to him. “But it’s hot that you wanted to try.”

Troy doesn’t know why he’s spending any more time watching these lovesick idiots make out, when instead he could be taking his very hot boyfriend home. He supposes that Shane’s boyfriend isn’t so bad after all.

On the 23rd of July, Shane settles in to bed at his usual time of ten thirty pm. He’s feeling extremely relaxed, because he’s wearing his favourite pyjamas, and he’s freshly showered. Also, because twenty minutes ago Ilya fucked him so hard that actual tears came out of his eyes. Ilya is now snuggled up next to him, one arm wrapped around him. As discreetly as possible, Shane sets his watch alarm to midnight.

At midnight on the 24th, the gentle beeping of Shane’s watch wakes him up, and he instantly turns around to his boyfriend, itching to be the first one to say the words that he’s memorised in forty different languages, but never said in the one that really matters.

Before he can open his mouth, a hand clamps over it. With the reflexes of the professional athlete that he is, Shane reaches over to do the same to Ilya. They start to struggle, both of them using their legs and elbows to try to get the other person’s hands away. Shane ends up on top of Ilya, both of them panting. Ilya’s smile is so big he can see the edges of it underneath his hand. Shane looks into Ilya’s beautiful blue eyes, and and nods his head three times. On the third nod he pulls his hand away.

“I love you!”

“I love you!”

Shane doesn't know who kisses who first. It doesn't matter at all

Chapter End Notes

So first of all wtf there's so many of you. Thanks so much for all the love this has got, it has been overwhelming! Also I did technically write another, second bonus chapter because I had another idea for identity based shenanigans (Ilya brings Shane to meet his queer hockey beer league team but he lies and tells them that he is dating a Shane Hollander impersonator). But since this bonus is so long it may actually mean the 'bonus' content is as long as the actual fic, which feels sketchy, so I may have to figure out how to do a sequel instead. If you would to read that let me know.

Let me know what you think of this bonus chapter! I love reading all of your comments ♥️

Chapter 11: Sequel!!!!

Chapter Notes

Hey guys, I finally posted the sequel to this fic as a celebration for hitting 200k hits and 20k kudos (which is crazyyy thanks everyone). It's called Professional Idiots! You can read it by clicking "Next Work" at the top of the screen, or clicking this link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91391131/chapters/243239441

It will be more of a collection of oneshots/standalone fics rather than a story with a continuous plot, kind of my Hollanov sitcom. The first chapter is the 'Ilya tells his beer league team that Shane is an impersonator' episode I talked about before.

Also, click to see the new cover for this fic!

Chapter End Notes

Lmao