Preface

Ilya R has been added to the group chat.
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at https://archiveofourown.org/works/82084946.

Rating:: Mature
Archive Warning:: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories:: M/M, Multi
Fandoms:: Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types
Relationships:: Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Ilya Rozanov, Zane Boodram & Ilya Rozanov, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble
Characters:: Ilya Rozanov, Zane Boodram, Cassie Boodram, Lisa Hayes (Game Changers), Selena Chouinard, Ottawa Centaurs WAGs Ensemble (Game Changers), Shane Hollander
Additional Tags:: Ottawa Centaurs WAGs Group Chat (Game Changers), Texting Fic, Texting, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Established Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Ottawa Centaurs Player Ilya Rozanov, Fluff and Humor, Secret Relationship, Not Canon Compliant, Ilya Rozanov is Obsessed With Shane Hollander
Language:: English
Series:: Part 1 of O-Town’s Fillies Back Again
Collections:: Anonymous, Anonymous
Stats:: Published: 2026-03-29 Completed: 2026-04-30 Words: 41,287 Chapters: 6/6

Ilya R has been added to the group chat.

by Anonymous

Summary

Bood
what have you given her before?

Ilya
A fucking, mostly

Bood
CHEAP
CHEAP GIFT GIVER
Ilya enlists Bood & the Ottawa WAGs to help brainstorm ideas for his first proper Valentine’s Day with ‘Jane’.

Notes

i haven't written anything in approximately 10 million years but this god damn fandom has its talons in me like it's 2016 tumblr all over again, and i am deeply obsessed with the centaurs and wags like i birthed them myself

i do not apologize for pun group chat names, i do not apologize for making ilya + bood besties, and i do not apologize for making ilya a SHAMELESS SHAMELESS LOVER BOY

finally, because we all have to say this now - no ai went NEAR this good lord

et voila enjoy etc

Chapter 1

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday January 24^th, 9.30am

Ilya

Bood

My sweet prince

Bood

uh oh

what’s up, cap

Ilya

You look beautiful this morning

Bood

i’m literally at home right now?

wait, you’re not here are you

Ilya

No, but you always look beautiful and I am sure this morning is no exception 🥰

Bood

wind it in gorgeous, what do you want

Ilya

I need help

Bood

oh damn. all good?

Ilya

Yes, all good

I am being prepared

Bood

breaking the habit of a lifetime?

Ilya

He is funny at 9.30 in the morning! Always so funny and handsome

Bood

jeez, blink twice if you need help

what’s up buttercup

Ilya

It is less than a month until Valentines Day

I want to surprise my Jane

But I feel like I have, as you say to Hazy, shit for brains

Bood

OOOOOH IT’S BIG TIME SERIOUS!!!!!

WE’RE LOCKING IN!!!

SHIFTING INTO V-DAY MODE!!!!

MOVES BEING MADE

JANE AIN’T READY

Ilya

What

Actually I have changed my mind

Bood

NO i’ll be chill i swear

freakout over

Ilya

You are sure?

Bood

wait, one more

AYOOOOOOOOOOOO

...ok now i’m good

Ilya

🤨

Bood

so you’re out of ideas?

Ilya

To be out of ideas I would have needed to have an idea first

I want it to be special

Jane is in town and it is our first Valentines Day together properly

Bood

have you done other v-days with her before?

(also, this is adorable)

Ilya

I am adorable, we know this

And yes, when our calendars matched up, but casual then so – nothing big

Bood

what have you given her before?

Ilya

A fucking, mostly

Bood

CHEAP

CHEAP GIFT GIVER

Ilya

Cheap?

Should I apologise to Cassie for you if you think it is cheap?

Tut tut, Boody

Bood

cassie has no complaints 😏

Ilya

Okay!

Bood

hell of an attitude from the man who asked for my help

Ilya

Sorry darling

I am panicking a little because I want it to be special

Bood

i could ask cass?

i mean i’ve done like fancy dinners and stuff before

took her to a spa once, she loved that

she's really big on skincare and makeup so i did a 'buy whatever you want' day

Ilya

How did that go?

Bood

i may as well have stocks in sephora now

what does jane like?

Ilya

Me 😏

Bood

booooo

apart from that

Ilya

Jane is sporty, very athletic

Jane's thighs, my god

Bood

ok i love this for you but i'm going to need you to lock in

like asap bc i'm not doing this with you pre-10am

roz

Ilya

Sorry, focusing

Bood

is she into food? a fancy meal?

Ilya

Jane eats like the food pyramid police will arrest her at any moment

Bood

lmfao ok so dinner is out then

what else does she like?

Ilya

She is very organized

My drawers, Boody

They are full of dividers because the world will end if my socks touch my boxers

Bood

i bet you love it really

Ilya

It is literally my favourite thing in the world

I want to buy 700 drawer dividers

I would have a different cabinet for every pair of boxers if it would make Jane happy

Bood

that is so crazy and so sweet

i'm just taking a moment to soak in the beauty of the russian menace being obsessed with storage solutions

Ilya

Life is about growth, no?

Bood

where did you hear that?

Ilya

Fortune cookie with my takeout last week

Still works though

Bood

ok well as cute as this is, i don't feel like closet organizers are the way forward for a big v-day

Ilya

No, I buy Jane lots of things like this already

Very expensive trouser press

New label maker and spice rack so that she can organize my pantry alphabetically

This would not be a big Valentines Day gift

Bood

ok damn

my brain isn't awake enough for this yet

i think i need to regroup with cassie

give me a few mins

Ilya

Okay

Thank you my sweet sweet Bood

🥰

Bood

you don't have to keep sucking up to me babe

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday January 24^th, 9.55am

Bood

guess who's back

Ilya

My best friend in the whole world who is going to give me advice for Valentines Day for my Jane?

Bood

wrong

your best friend in the whole world who just got you a temporary invite to the wags chat

so all the girls can help you plan

Ilya

Oh my god

WHAT

How did you manage this???

Bood

fuck if i know

cassie was feeling generous

you're welcome, by the way 😏

Ilya

We get it, you fuck your wife

Bood

i make love to my wife, you animal

Ilya

Booooo

Not directed at your wife

Bood

would you like to accept the most illustrious of invites or not?

Ilya

What the fuck is illustrious

Bood

"Illustrious describes someone or something that is highly distinguished, famous, and admired due to past achievements or noble character."

Ilya

So you just googled it?

Bood

well you could have done that too, couldn't you

smartass

who i love

Ilya

Dick

Who I love ❤️

I am very happy to accept this most illustrious of invites

Bood

cass says to expect your addition to the group later today

and has asked me to confirm that this is a one-day, one-time addition

to maintain and i quote "the sanctity and secrecy of the girlies"

Ilya

Please tell Cassie I would never betray the girlies

And thank you

Tell her that and also thank you to you

Bood

it's all good rozy

and you're welcome

we gotta smash it for jane so that jane will smash you!!!!

Ilya

Gross

But yes please ❤️

Jane ❤️💦😍

Saturday January 24^th, 11.01am

Jane

Morning, baby. Need anything from the store?

Ilya

Hello sweetheart 💕

I already have everything I need

Jane

So you don't need deodorant?

Ilya

Wait, I do need that

But apart from that I have everything I need 💕

Jane

And you don't need olive oil?

Ilya

We also do need that

But after that I just need you 🥰

Jane

Eggs?

Ilya

You are doing this deliberately

Jane

😇

Who, me?

I already made a list of stuff you were out of, don't worry.

Ilya

So you just wanted me to tell you I need you, yes?

Jane

I can neither confirm nor deny.

Ilya

Sneaky boy

Hurry back please

Jane

🏃🏻

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday January 24^th, 2.55pm

Ilya R has been added to the group chat.

Cassie B

Ladies, like I mentioned before - for the rest of the day we are joined by a very special guest!

A charity case, if you will

Please welcome Rozy to the group chat!!

Make him feel welcome but know that he has sworn that nothing revealed in this chat will be imparted to the boys

Selena C

WASSSSSSSSSSSSUP ROZ

Lisa H

Hey Rozy!!!!

Nicole B

howdy cap!

Caitlin D

Uh oh, trouble is here!

Ilya R

Hello beautiful ladies of Ottawa

Better halves of all the smelly boys

Thank you for having me!!

Lisa H

We hear there is a romantic predicament we may be able to help with??

Caitlin D

Oh damn, can't get it up?

Selena C

LMFAOOOO

Ilya R

WHAT

DID BOOD TELL YOU THAT

HE IS LIAR

Caitlin D

I'm KIDDING ROZ

Cassie B

Less than 30 seconds in and we're shit talking virility, gotta be a new record

Ilya R

Just googled virility

Feeling attacked

Attacked by the girls!!!

Lisa H

Noooo we want to help!!

Nicole B

give us the lowdown, big c

what's up?

Ilya R

Okay

So it is Valentines Day soon, yes?

And this is the first year that I will be celebrating with my Jane properly

For many years we were just casual

And now we are very not casual

Lisa H

EEEEEEEEEEEEE

Oh this is so cute I am going to scream

Cassie B

I told you this would be good

Selena C

So you're doing big plans for the first big one, right? WHAT ARE THEY????

Ilya R

Ah, you see

This is the problem

I have no ideas. Not a single idea

And I want this Valentines Day to be special because my Jane is special 💞

Caitlin D

Lord, find me a love like this

Cassie B

You're literally married Cait

Nicole B

evan literally cried when you walked down the aisle

and in his speech

and during your first dance

Caitlin D

Good point, well made

Lisa H

So Rozy, you want advice for your first big V-Day, right?

Ilya R

I have been thinking for days now

And nothing I can think of is good enough for my Jane

Selena C

I am going to fucking DIEEEEEEEEEE

Do the team know you're this much of a loveeeeeeeer boy

Ilya R

No!!!

Cassie B

Ilya, the boys have been in a room with you and Anya and/or Chiron for more than 30 seconds before

They know you're a big old softie

Ilya R

Never

Caitlin D

LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER BOY

Lisa H

Well, I think this sounds very cute Rozy

But if you're this serious with Jane then she'll love whatever you do for her!

Nicole B

i mean, guidance is no bad thing

josh's first v-day he tried to hire us a string quartet in that italian restaurant with the open kitchen on rideau

turns out he didn't know you pay by the instrument so we had one 60yo cellist doing titanic

who kept talking about his "bitch ex-wife"

Cassie B

Titanic????? SHUT UP 😭😭😭

Selena C

LMFAOOOOOO

Not the bitch ex-wife chat on V-day

Lisa H

Wyatt tried to cook me dinner our first year and burned tiramisu 🤣

Caitlin D

I'm actually so scared to ask

But how did he burn tiramisu

Ilya R

You don't cook a tiramisu?

It's cold, yes?

Caitlin D

Yes, Roz

That's why I'm afraid to ask

Nicole B

surely you're joking

Selena C

CASSIE, PERMISSION TO NEVER LET WYATT TOUCH A SINGLE THING AT A BBQ EVER AGAIN

Ilya R

Seconded

Cassie B

Holy shit, granted

Lisa H

We're off topic!! We've got to strategize, ladies 💪

But also, seconded

Selena C

Right, yes - LOCKING INNN

Ilya R

Thank you ladies

Jane is not a big dinner person

And also we still have to be private

So a restaurant is not a good idea right now

Lisa H

So we're not going to meet her anytime soon?? 😔

Ilya R

I hope soon, Lisa

But not yet

I'm sorry

Cassie B

It's all good, Rozy

We know it's tough with whatever her fancy ass job is

But we are so excited to meet her when you're both ready

Ilya R

Thank you, lovely WAGs 💕

Your stinky husbands are so lucky to have you!!

Nicole B

honestly roz, when she's good to join us, we need help reining cait in

Caitlin D

Y'all can try

Lisa H

😆😆😆😆

Selena C

A THREATTTT

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday January 24^th, 4.10pm

Bood

how's it going with the ladies??

give me deets

Ilya

An honorary WAG is sworn to secrecy

I can reveal nothing

...So far they have not been useful

But I am having fun!

Bood

lmfaoooooo

that chat goes crazy

i literally see cass roll over in bed to answer it sometimes

Ilya

Another terrible review of your game

Another own goal

Bood

man fuck off 😭

Ilya

💋

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday January 24^th, 4.30pm

Cassie B

I have been informed that we have not been useful thus far 💀

Ilya R

Bood is a sneak and a bitch

Caitlin D

LOL

Shame on you for breaking the cardinal rule of the GC, Roz

NOTHING LEAVES THE CHAT

Ilya R

I'M SORRY!!!

I thought Bood was safe

Forgive me?

Selena C

We'll allow ONEEE error

But anymore and we'll get Cait on you

Nicole B

so many threats in this chat today

Caitlin D

I never skip arm day 💪

Nicole B

that's what she calls a handjob

Cassie B

DEAD

Lisa H

NIC!!!!

Ilya R

🤣🤣🤣

This is the best day ever

Lisa H

Right, let's start making ourselves useful

So Rozy, dinner is out - what about cooking in?

Ilya R

I already like to cook for Jane

When she is here

So I do not know how special that is

Cassie B

What's your speciality?

Ilya R

I am very good at quinoa now

I do not want to be

But I like it when Jane likes what I cook

❤️

Selena C

SHUT UPPPP

We can't keep getting distracted by how CUTE you are Roz

Ilya R

I am very distracting 😏

Cassie B

I say this with all the love in the world, Roz

you are not cooking fucking quinoa on Valentine's Day

Ilya R

I know!!

It wouldn't be good enough for Valentines, Jane eats it every day

Nicole B

every day? fucking hell is she some kind of fitness influencer

no one in their right mind would eat that everyday

Ilya R

Tell me about it

Bird food

But Jane loves it and I love Jane

Cassie B

...Okay so are we going to address the L-bomb

Ilya R

We have been saying L-word for a long time now

🤗

Selena C

HOLY SHITTTTT

Caitlin D

DAMN

Lisa H

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Nicole B

holy shit

Caitlin D

Okay, so you've got to turn it the fuck out this year, Cap

Ilya R

Yes, I do need to do this

HELP

Cassie B

So at the risk of being potentially obvious here

Nicole B

Ilya R

Yes?

Cassie B

So Jane's privacy is important, right?

She's gotta keep herself a bit more under the radar here?

Ilya R

Yes, under the radar

Cassie B

Is that a local thing, or a bit bigger than that?

Ilya R

A lot bigger than that

Lisa H

Regional?

Ilya R

National

Maybe more than that

Yes, probably

Caitlin D

I SMELL A MOVIE STAR

Selena C

POP STAR????????

Cassie B

Girls, chill

Ilya R

No, neither of those

Caitlin D

Damn, I thought you were Landry-ing

Ilya R

I am not

Whatever that is

Lisa H

Ladies, if Rozy could tell us then he would!

Nicole B

sorry cap

Caitlin D

🙄 I know, sorry Roz

Selena C

SORRY ROZZZ

Ilya R

Is okay, ladies

I will be very excited to introduce you to Jane one day

She will love you all 💕

Lisa H

And we will love her!! 😊😊

Nicole B

we will

Cassie B

OKAY can I go back to my idea now??

Ilya R

Yes please

Cassie B

Okay so you want to do something special

What about a getaway?

Lisa H

Wyatt took me to Banff one year!! It was so beautiful

Ilya R

A getaway?

Cassie B

Yes! Like a little break somewhere, you could get a cottage somewhere private

Selena C

SEXATHONNNNNNN

Nicole B

morning noon and niiiiiiiiiiiiight

Ilya R

Ah I thought we said it had to be special, yes? 😉

Not just any other day

Caitlin D

I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT

GET IT ROZ

Nicole B

now if you're long distance how are we doing three times a day roz

hmmmmmm

Ilya R

Nicole

Do I need to remind Josh that phones exist?

📱💦🥵

Nicole B

damn ilya

the fbi man in your phone must be run through

Cassie B

Nicole I am fucking dying

Please go find your man and spare us this

Caitlin D

Horny little demon

Selena C

I cannot explain to Nick why I'm laughing so much OMGGGGGGGGGGGG

Ilya R

Nicole, I will send you link for a very good tripod

Makes roadies a lot easier 🥵

Lisa H

Omg a tripod? I'll take that link 🫣

Cassie B

LISA!!!

Caitlin D

DARK HORSE

Ilya R

Wyatt can say thank you by pulling another save like he did last week against Toronto

Nicole B

that was insane honestly

Caitlin D

Beautiful stuff 🤌

Cassie B

One day I will finish a thought in this chat

Jane ❤️💦😍

Saturday January 24^th, 6.01pm

Ilya

Shane, my love

Where are you

Jane

Just leaving my parents' place!

Home in 20 minutes xxx

Ilya

Drive safely please!!

Precious cargo

Jane

Dork.

Crazy 180 from Mr "What Colour Ferrari Shall I Buy Today" 👀

Ilya

My Ferraris never had David's chicken parm leftovers in them

😚

Jane

Fuck off

Leaving now.

I love you. ❤️

Ilya

Love you more

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday January 24^th, 6.05pm

Cassie B

So like I was SAYING

A getaway

Somewhere quiet, private, in the middle of nowhere

Nicole B

and then you put her through the headboard

Lisa H

NICOLE!!

Caitlin D

For the love of god, someone tell Josh she's feral again

Ilya R

Very good idea

All of them 😏

But Jane already has a very private cottage

So would it be special?

Cassie B

Depends where you go!

What's her cottage got?

Ilya R

A lake, lots of space

Big forest

Big deck for yoga

No neighbours

Is perfect really

Cassie B

Wow.

Selena C

OH THAT SOUNDS DREAAAAAAAAAAAMY

Ilya R

It is.

My favourite place in the world

Caitlin D

Lord, find me a cottage like this

Lisa H

Ugh, same here please!!

Nicole B

no neighbours, huh

Ilya R

Not for miles 😏

Nicole B

lucky jane

Selena C

NICOLE, GO AND BANG YOUR HUSBAND PLEAAAAAAAAAAASE

Cassie B

Seconded

And oh my GOD please can we lock in for 10 minutes so that I can go and eat my husband's marinated chicken kebabs

Lisa H

Locking in!

Ilya R

Lisa, Nicole, I just sent you a link to tripod

Chapter 2

Chapter Summary

Ilya
Bood
Give me your wife’s phone number

Bood
try again

Ilya
Beautiful Boody
Give me your wife’s phone number

Bood
that wasn’t the part you needed to rethink, my man
Luxury rentals, Pinterest boards, and an exclusive re-admission to the WAGs chat.

Chapter Notes

look, i didn't think i was going to do a second part but insomnia and a deep craving to live in the skin of ilya rozanov won out
i'm just a girl who is apologizing to any canadians if my geography is garbage

enjoy x

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday February 10^th, 12.06pm

Ilya

Bood

Give me your wife’s phone number

Bood

🤨

try again

Ilya

Beautiful Boody

Give me your wife’s phone number

Bood

that wasn’t the part you needed to rethink, my man

Ilya

🙄

Beautiful Boody

Please give me Cassie’s phone number so that I can talk to her about planning Valentines Day surprise for my Jane 💝

Bood

atta boy

it’s important to me that you understand the concept of tone when asking another man for his wife’s phone number straight up like that

punchable offense and i know that you know that

Ilya

Yes yes

Used to be “biggest whore in all of Boston”

Danger to all men (true)

Fucker of wives (lie)

Blah blah

Do not listen to the gossip, Boody!

Bood

and if it was me asking you for jane’s number?

Ilya

I would kill you with my bare hands

Bood

there we are

...wait, i thought vday was a done deal?

romantic retreat, right?

Ilya

Yes, but I need to make sure that the cottage is special enough

And it was Cassie’s idea

So she can tell me if it is, yes?

Bood

one day the boys will find out that you are a tiny bunny in hockey pads

and i need you to promise that i can be there to watch

Ilya

If I was a bunny I would be one of those big ones

Size of a dog

A big dog

Or a horse 🐎

Like freak radiation accident

Bood

of course, my dear

Ilya

Well?

Bood

well what?

Ilya

Boody

My prince

Please can I have Cassie’s phone number 🥺🥺

So that I can choose the perfect cottage for Jane?

Bood

yes, rozy

wait actually let me ask her first

Ilya

Yes

Very good, that was a test

Bood

sureeeeee

ok she says it’s fine

Ilya

Thank you!

Bood

all good bub

do you want me to take a look as well?

Ilya

You know I love you, yes?

Bood

ditto, and yes

Ilya

You are the best alternate captain

Wonderful husband

Most beautiful king in all of Ottawa 👑

You are not the right man for this job

Bood

hey! why not??

i know things about houses

paint schemes

conversation pits

ottomans

Ilya

Are you just naming things that you can see?

Bood

fuck off 😭

Ilya

I would trust you with anything else

But not this

Jane is very good with houses

Mrs Real Estate 💰💰

I need to find a romantic getaway cottage that will impress her

Bood

rozy, if you’ve done the i love yous i don’t think you have to impress her

i think she’ll love it anyway

Ilya

I know she will

Maybe I want to prove it for myself?

Bood

explain

tell father bood

Ilya

Hmm

Jane & me

We spent many years being casual, yes?

Bood

according to what you’ve told me, yes

Ilya

We did not always meet up on Valentines Day

Just when our schedules worked

But when we did

Later

I sometimes wished that I could do it properly

Valentines Day, with Jane

You know?

Bood

i can understand that

Ilya

So now I have the chance for the first time

To do it properly

I want my Jane to know that it is important to me

For us to have this now, together

Okay, I'm done

Bood

if i were a less emotionally mature man i would leave you on read

one more sentimental text before you tell me about how the bunny had the freak radiation accident

ok?

i’m sure you’re lucky to have jane

but jane is also very lucky to have you

Ilya

Thank you.

And it was bitten by a radioactive hulk

Turned into a giant hulk bunny

Terrorizes all of Canada

Bood

Bood 🥵🏒 has shared a contact with you: Cassie

Ilya

💕💕

Help me choose dinner to cook for Valentines Day on Sunday? 🙏

Bood

get a pinterest account

i’ll send you my favourite recipes

Cassie Bood 👸

Wednesday February 10^th, 12.58pm

Ilya

Cassie! 👋

Cassie

Rozy! 👋

Ilya

Thank you for letting Bood give me your number

He tried to fight me for your hand

I let him win

Cassie

That’s kind of you

He’s whiny when he loses

Ilya

I know

Is a good job he does not play competitive games for a living, yes?

Cassie

Yeah, I can only imagine how awful that would be

Ilya

😆😆

Did Bood tell you why I asked for your phone number?

Cassie

No, but I think I can guess

Does it rhyme with cane?

Ilya

What

Oh yes

Jane!

Yes it is about Jane

And Valentines Day 💕💕

Cassie

Yay!! Have you found a place?

Ilya

I have found three places

And now I am stuck 🫨

Help me decide?

Please?

Cassie

Sure thing, honey

Remind me of the must-haves?

I can remember private, by the ocean, and special

Ilya

That is it, mostly

But Jane likes lots of room, no clutter

Outdoor space to do yoga

Jane likes doing yoga and I like watching Jane do yoga

Cassie

Down boy!

Ilya

Sorry not sorry 😈

Needs good curtains because Jane cannot sleep properly if it is not very dark

Big bed, king size

Cassie

I’ll bet

Ilya

Down girl!

Cassie

😂

Okay, so you have three places in mind?

Ilya

Yes.

They all have everything I need for my Jane but now I am stuck deciding

Cassie

Is Anya coming?

Does it need to be pet friendly?

Ilya

No, I think my daughter will go on her own little getaway this time 🐶

Cassie

Aww, to the doggie hotel?

Ilya

Sometimes yes, sometimes she stays with a family in the city

I am not sure which one she will go to yet

Cassie

Okay!

Send the rentals over and I’ll take a look now ⭐

Ilya

Thank you, Cassie 💕

I just found Luxury Beachside Chalet St. Martins on LuxuryCanadianRetreats.com! https://luxury…

I just found Modern Rustic Accommodation Villa Parlee Beach on LuxuryCanadianRetreats.com! https://luxury…

I just found Luxury Tranquil Modern Home in Tatamagouche on LuxuryCanadianRetreats.com! https://luxury…

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday February 10^th, 1.04pm

Cassie B

I only have a minute before Ilya starts asking me questions about the cottages he’s sent me for Valentine’s Day

But we are at DEFCON WHATEVER THE HIGHEST ONE IS 🚨🚨

Selena C

??????????

Caitlin D

Debrief immediately

Wait, Roz messaged you privately?

Cassie B

Yes!!!

Said he couldn’t pick which one Jane would like the most

Asked me for advice

Lisa H

Omg that is so sweet!! He’s such a cutie 😭

Nicole B

adorable

ok so what is the defcon for then

because i didn’t think we did it for cute things

Cassie B

We don’t

But we do it when Roz mentions that when he goes away, Anya either stays in the doggie hotel or “with a family in the city”

🚨🚨🚨🚨

Selena C

WITH A WHAT IN THE WHAAAAAAAAAAAT

Nicole B

holy fuck

Lisa H

Wait, am I missing something here??

Caitlin D

I forget your shifts are the fucking worst, Lisa

It’s like they deliberately schedule them around Bood’s BBQs so you can’t talk shit with us

Cassie B

Ilya Rozanov does not just leave Anya Rozanov with some rando family

Caitlin D

That would be like giving your child to a stranger you met outside the liquor store for a weekend

Unthinkable

Lisa H

Isn’t there that Rover app? Could it be that?

Nicole B

hell no

roz once told me that rover was “tinder for dog perverts”

Cassie B

Okay I am DEAD at that 💀💀

Selena C

He is so dramatic OMGGGGGG

Lisa H

🤣🤣🤣

Okay, so who is the family then??

Cassie B

HENCE THE DEFCON

Nicole B

i know whose family live in the city

Caitlin D

☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️

Selena C

IT’S HAPPENINGGGGGGGGGG

Cassie B

Sel, it’s BEEN happening

Okay fuck he’s typing brb

Cassie Bood 👸

Wednesday February 10^th, 1.08pm

Ilya

Cassie?

What do you think?

Cassie

I think they’re all beautiful, Roz!!

Ilya

Ah fuck

I was hoping that you would hate two

And then I would pick the one that is left

Cassie

Is it super unhelpful if I say she’ll love whichever one you pick?

Ilya

Yes

But thank you anyway 💕

Cassie

I really don’t think you need to freak out over this, Ilya

I meant what I said a couple of weeks back

As long as you’re together, it will be a perfect weekend ❤️

Ilya

I know this

But I just want it to be special for my Jane

Cassie

I told you to cut it out with the ‘my Jane’ or I’ll cry on you 😭😭

Ilya

My Jane my Jane my Jane 😍

Go and cry on Bood instead

He is very emotionally mature, apparently

Cassie

He’ll just cry back

And I want him to keep mowing the lawn

Ilya

He is a big baby.

Cried like I had hit him in the face after Up

Cassie

Ma’am I was there

You sobbed too

Ilya

I did not say I didn’t

The old man is adorable🥺

I am going to have to pick, aren’t I?

Cassie

Okay

Let me try something with you?

Ilya

Yes?

Cassie

Get all three rentals up in front of you on the screen

Ilya

Okay?

Cassie

Close your eyes

Think about Jane

Ilya

You will have to set me a harder challenge

I am always doing that

Cassie

Stop interrupting to be cute omggggg

Ilya

😇😇😇

Okay, I am doing it now

Cassie

Count to 10, then open your eyes

And tell me which one you’re drawn to and why, without thinking

Go!

Ilya

Parlee Beach

Cassie

Why?

Ilya

Warmer water so we can swim in the ocean if we want to

Nice big kitchen island for Jane to watch me cook at

While she tells me that I am putting too much salt in dinner

Balcony in the master bedroom for coffee in the morning

Long driveway so that Jane does not worry about people seeing my car

Fire pit in the garden

Cassie

🔔🔔🔔

We have a winner!!

Ilya

…Does your husband know you have witch powers?

I think you should tell him

Cassie

😆

Happy with your choice?

Ilya

Yes!!

You are a magician thank you thank you

Cassie

You’re very welcome, Roz ❤️

Holy fuck I just saw the price

Ilya

😈😈😈😈

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday February 10^th, 1.17pm

Ilya

Your wife is magic

Bood

you know exactly what the fuck you’re doing

Ilya

🪄😆

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday February 10^th, 1.20pm

Cassie B

Okay I’m back

The man just spent a fucking fortune

Caitlin D

Nicole, did you ever get his salary out of Wiebe’s wife?

Nicole B

nah, they trained her well

Selena C

LOOPING BACKKKKKKKK

A MYSTERIOUS OTTAWA FAMILY DOGSITTING ANYA??

Lisa H

Omg, you don’t think?? 😭😭

Nicole B

i do think

Caitlin D

I absolutely think

Cassie B

Add it to the pinboard, ladies!!

Selena C

☑️ Known each other for years, weren’t often in the same city

☑️ Talks about their freckles – A LOT

☑️ Long distance now but close enough that they can see each other fairly regularly

☑️ Needs to be private because they are very well-known (MORE THAN NATIONALLY FAMOUS??)

☑️ Athletic and takes care of themselves (NO other excuse for quinoa!!!!)

☑️ Owns a beautiful remote cottage on a lake where they can do yoga

☑️ Has family who live in Ottawa who would (THEORETICALLYYY) dogsit

Nicole B

i mean

it literally can’t not be him at this point

either that or it actually is a woman and she’s a fucking cryptid

Lisa H

Oh my god!!!

Caitlin D

Dots are connecting, folks

Cassie B

Holy shit!!

I just remembered

Earlier, when I started chatting to Roz

He asked me if I knew why Bood had given him my number

I didn’t even fucking think when I said it 🤦‍♀

[screenshot attached]

Nicole B

if reading too deep into texts was an olympic sport i would be a gold medallist

so someone else give me a read on this

Lisa H

It feels maybe a bit panicked?

Maybe??

Caitlin D

Startled, definitely

Which is odd considering he was the one bringing it up

Cassie B

Right?

Selena C

GUYSSSSSS

I really think we might be right here!!!

Nicole B

we 1000000000000000% are

holy shit

Caitlin D

Fucking hell

Cassie B

Secrecy pact!!!

👍 Nicole B, Selena C, Caitlin D, Lisa H

Jane ❤️💦😍

Thursday February 11^th, 6.01pm

Ilya

My love 💕

What time do you get here tomorrow?

Jane

Hi, baby 💕

Should be with you for around 7pm? We’ve got an afternoon practice.

I can’t wait to see you.

Ilya

I will wait for you at the door like Anya

Jane

Please don’t chew my shoes like Anya.

Ilya

I promise nothing 🥰

Salmon for dinner?

Jane

Can you do it with that almond butter sauce?

Ilya

Anything for you

Jane

I love you. ❤️

Are you at home?

Ilya

I am

Jane

[image attached]

Ilya

Oh my god

Hollander

Jane

[incoming FaceTime call from Lily]

Ilya

Pick up your phone right now

Hollander

Jane

Sorry, lost cell service for a second!

😇

Ilya

Shane

My angel, love of my life

Jane

Yes, baby?

Ilya

Pick up your fucking phone.

Jane

[incoming FaceTime call from Lily]

Call ended.

Duration: 23mins 54secs

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday February 12^th, 1.31pm

Bood

holy shit dude, did someone die

Ilya

Sorry?

Bood

i have never seen you leave practice that quickly before

a beautiful blur in white and gold 🏃‍

Ilya

Ah, sorry

Jane is coming over later 😍

Bood

oh, so you had to pay a visit to the giant condom store

bulk purchase, costco style

Ilya

My darling Bood

A man does not kiss and tell

But he might fuck and tell 😈

Bood

GET SOME

GET SOMEEEEEEE

Ilya

I hope to get more than some 🙏

Bood

love this for you

you could get oysters

for sunday

Ilya

Oysters? Why?

Bood

they’re an aphrodisiac

cassie loves them 😏

Ilya

Googling

Oh!

I am hurt, honey

My Jane does not need that 😮‍💨

Bood

don’t love the insinuation there

but honestly, i respect the game

they’re also very romantic

expensive, shows you care about making it nice for her

Ilya

I think my Jane might ask why I am serving salty snot

Bood

i respect women

therefore i will not say what i am thinking right now

Ilya

Filthy boy!

But expensive sounds good

I am good at expensive 🤑

Bood

i know, i’ve seen the state of your garage

it’s like if the monaco f1 was run by a 17 year old boy

Ilya

I forgot to tell you

You need to say goodbye to the Spyder

She is leaving soon 💔

Bood

noooo!! tatiana!! she was my fave

her beautiful console

she was the best of us all

Ilya

I know, darling

But I am selling

For the foundation

And also because Jane does not want “my face to melt off when I crash into a bend doing 110mph and she is forced to identify me in the wreckage from my teeth” 😴

Both valid reasons

Bood

tbf i’m kind of with jane on this one

you do drive like a psycho in that car

it’s cute that she’s looking out for you!

Ilya

If I think about it too much I will cry

To be honest

I would drive everywhere in a shitty Honda Accord for Jane

Go 2mph and brake 3 hours before a left hand turn

Bood

he’s a saaaaaap

so have you figured out vday dinner yet?

Ilya

Salmon tonight

And then if I want Jane to eat a lovely (still nutritious) Valentines meal on Sunday

Probably bird food on Saturday 🐦‍⬛

Bood

did you make the pinterest account?

Ilya

Yes

Got very distracted and have several pinboards already

Lots of garage organization tips

Some good yoga infographics that I have saved for Jane ❤️

Bood

you are such a lover boyyyyy now

Ilya

Lover boy???

Tell Cassie that the secrecy pact feels one-sided 😒

Bood

no secrets in the marital bed, darling

you will learn

anyway i’m sending you some recipes

Ilya

Do they have macro counts?

Bood

absolutely the fuck they don’t

Ilya

I will need macro counts for the meals

Or Jane will tell me that I want her to die of poor nutrition 🫠

Bood

you know what

you should probably take some tips from jane on the diet thing

professional hockey player and all that

Ilya

Who is

Bood

you are, you beautiful idiot

Ilya

I could eat 85 McRibs a day and still be beautiful

Okay maybe not 85

Definitely 20

And still win the Stanley Cup 💪💪

Bood

yes yes

god amongst men etc etc

Ilya

You love me so well 💞

Bood

ok i am sending you some slightly healthier recipes

thoughts on steak?

Ilya

I can work with steak

I will need my energy 🫡🫡

And so will Jane

Bood

GET SOMEEEEEEEEEEEEE 🥵

Cassie Bood 👸

Friday February 12^th, 2.11pm

Ilya

Cassie

I am in Michaels looking for a box for Lisa’s box idea

Is this too big?

[image attached]

Cassie

Well hello to you too, Roz

Ilya

Sorry, that was rude

Hello Cassie 👋

Your hair looks great today

Cassie

You haven’t seen my hair today

But yes, it does 💁🏻‍

And yes, that box is too big

Are you trying to fit the entire beach in the box??

Ilya

No, I don’t want Jane to make me sweep up sand

Thinking about putting two beach towels in the box

Cassie

You know what, I take it back!

That’s actually super cute

What else are you putting in it??

Ilya

I don’t know!!!

Do you think Lisa will help me

I do not want to ask Hazy for her number though

Because Bood already threatened violence when I asked for yours

And Hazy has hands like mallets

My face could not take it

Cassie

Give me 2 minutes

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday February 12^th, 2.14pm

Cassie B

@Lisa H, are you on shift right now?

Lisa H

Just got off!

Nights are the worsssssssssst 🥴🥴🥴

What’s up??

Cassie B

Roz needs your help with the surprise box for V-Day

Nicole B

omg

Selena C

CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Caitlin D

I think we should be working on commission at this point

Cassie B

@Lisa H Can I give him your number so that he can ask you?

Nicole B

no!!

add him back in here

i’m bored and josh is out

entertain meeeee

Caitlin D

Honestly, I’m just pretending to be at work at this point

I’ll also take a 6ft gorgeous Russian shopping for a Valentine’s box as entertainment

Seconded for adding him in here quickly

Selena C

Married, Cait!!!

YOU’RE MARRIED

Caitlin D

And I love Evan more than anything!

But I didn’t lose my eyesight when I signed the papers, S 😏

Nicole B

that is so fair

Lisa H

I am also fine with adding Roz in here again for the afternoon!!

Cassie B

Okay amazing, I’ll let him know

Thank you!

Caitlin D

Wait fuck

CASSIE

@Cassie B!!!!

Cassie B

What??

Caitlin D

Don’t give him access to the chat history!

Cassie B

Oh fuck

THANK YOU 🫣

Selena C

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ

Nicole B

sweet jesus, that was close

Ilya R has been added to the group chat.

Ilya R

Ladies

Beautiful ladies of Ottawa 👑👑👑

I owe you my life

Many bottles of expensive pinot grigio

Lisa H

Hey Roz! 🌟

Nicole

cap 🫡

Caitlin D

Hi Roz!

Selena C

Hey Rozyyyyyyyy

Cassie B

Over to you, Roz

Ilya R

First of all

Nicole & Lisa

Did your tripods arrive

Lisa H

HAHAHA

Yes, mine did!!

It’s a very professional rig

Nicole B

literally, do you shoot porn with it or something roz

i feel like one of josh’s french girls 🌹

Ilya R

You will thank me later!!

And so will Hazy and Boyle 😏

Cassie B

Ilya

Regroup

I told you that you are on a time sensitive re-admission

Ilya R

Sorry sorry

You are right

Second of all, I am sure you are all looking beautiful today

Caitlin D

Calm down, Romeo

What do you need from us?

Selena C

REPORTING FOR DUTYYYY 🪖

Ilya R

Lisa, I am shopping for your box idea

Very good idea by the way, smartest woman alive except for Jane

Cassie helped me choose a villa in Parlee Beach

Also smartest woman alive except for Jane

I am going to put beach towels in it

But what else???

Caitlin D

On the count of three

1, 2, 3

Lisa H

Lover boy!!!!!

Selena C

LOVER BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Nicole B

lover boyyyy

Cassie B

LOVER BOY!

Ilya R

Cassie, I am mad at you for telling Bood I am a lover boy

I know I am

But I have a fearsome reputation to uphold you know

Cassie B

You literally did a drunken speech professing your love to them all at the last BBQ

They know, Roz!

Ilya R

Liar

Lisa H

That sounds really cute so far, Ilya!!!

So we need a couple of other things to go in the box

Where are you right now?

Ilya R

Michaels

Old woman in vest behind the counter has been staring at me

I am surrounded by ribbons

Caitlin D

Roz, I will pay you in breakfast sandwiches to send a selfie right now

Nicole B

i have got to see this

Ilya R

[image attached]

Selena C

SO CUTE!!!

Ilya R

😏😏😏

I can see a crafting section

Table decorations

SEASHELL LAMP

Lisa H

Perfect!!

Nicole B

will jane like the seashell lamp?

Ilya R

Absolutely not

And that is why I must buy it

Caitlin D

I knew you couldn’t be a 24/7 lover boy with Jane

You had to be a menace sometimes

Ilya R

I am going to have so much fun moving this around the house 😈😈

Jane will try to put it in my closet

No! Living room

She will put it back in the closet

Hallway sideboard next time she visits

Cassie B

DYING 😂😂

Lisa H

😂😂😂

Okay, so we are 2 for 3 on box items!!

One spot left

Nicole B

pack of condoms?

Ilya R

I like your style, Lady Boyle

Selena C

NIC FFSSSSS 😭😭

Caitlin D

Ignore her, she’s a reprobate

Ilya R

She is not an incorrect reprobate 😏

But maybe not exactly romantic grand gesture for the box

Lisa H

Hmmm, I feel like we want to get something about the house in there

Tell us about it?

Ilya R

I just found Modern Rustic Accommodation Villa Parlee Beach on LuxuryCanadianRetreats.com! https://luxury…

Nicole B

what the fuck, roz

are you the fucking mayor of canada

how are you renting palaces

Selena C

HOLY SHITTTTTTT

Cassie B

I told you!!! 😵

Caitlin D

Okay, ignoring that I can see the price tag and you must be actively insane

I can see a very nice coffee station in the kitchen

Lisa H

Ooh...

I’VE GOT IT!

That crazy nice bean to cup place near the rink!

What’s it called??

Ilya R

The French Press

Yes, they are great

I buy Jane and me breakfast from there sometimes

Lisa H

Get a bag of their beans to take with you!!

Then you can have their coffee at the lovely coffee station in the morning

Nicole B

while you think about the fact that you are clearly paid too much to hit a puck

Ilya R

Well, they have to pay someone the big bucks 😉

Lisa, when they invent a prize for being world’s smartest doctor and gift giver

I will make sure you get it

Lisa H

Even for me, this is great work 💃💃💃

Ilya R

I am serious

This is perfect

Thank you, ladies!!!

Selena C

You’re welcome, Rozyyyy

Are you all set for Sunday now?

Ilya R

I think so

Need to go to the grocery store on the way home to buy food for the weekend

And then I think I am done!

Cassie B

What are you making?

Ilya R

Fish tonight

Then I will probably let Jane eat quinoa tomorrow so that “I am getting the right fiber intake”

And then steak on Sunday!

Courtesy of Boody’s pinterest

Caitlin D

BOOD DOES NOT HAVE A PINTEREST

CASSIE

Nicole B

💀💀💀💀💀💀

Cassie B

He does, he loves it!

Obsessed with the recipes tags

My little chef 👨‍🍳

Ilya R

Lover girl!!! 💏💏💏

Selena C

LOVER GIRLLLLL

Cassie B

Damn, you got me there

Lisa H

I knew I’d seen those pork belly bites before!!

Ilya R

Beautiful WAGs of Ottawa

Will you let me stay in the chat until I can send a picture of the box?

So you can check it is okay?

Caitlin D

I was going to make a joke but that’s actually too sweet

Cassie B

Of course you can, lover boy

Nicole B

i am sick from how cute this is

my husband needs to get home

Ilya R

I will text him

Captain’s orders

Chop chop, Mr Boyle

Caitlin D

Can we all employ you as a proxy booty call initiator from now on, Roz

Selena C

PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE

Ilya R

As long as you do not abuse the privilege

And it does not impact practice

Then yes

As a thank you to the lovely WAGs 🥰

Cassie B

It’s all about who you know, girls 😏

Jane ❤️💦😍

Friday February 12^th, 4.01pm

Jane

Just getting ready to leave now. I can’t wait to see you! ❤️

Ilya

Don’t shower

Jane

ILYA

Gross!

Ilya

Ugh, fine

Come quickly, sweetheart ❤️

Or the salmon will go dry

Jane

Please tell me you haven’t already cooked the salmon?

Ilya?

Baby?

Ilya

Only joking!

I would rather die than feed you a terrible dinner

Jane

You’re the worst, ugh

Ilya

But you love me?

Jane

The most. ❤️

Ilya

Lover boyyyyy 😍😍

Jane

I take it back.

See you in a while. 😍

Ilya

I will walk Anya before you get here

Please hurry to me

But also drive safely and sensibly

But in a sexy way

I love you!

Jane

Sensible and sexy are not mutually exclusive!

Love you 💞

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday February 12^th, 4.45pm

Ilya

[image attached]

Bood

STEAK REVEALLLLL

they look great 😩

Ilya

With roasted carrots, green beans

And I think polenta?

Bood

polenta???

damn, barefoot contessa

Ilya

What is that

Bood

never mind

sounds great!

Ilya

You think Jane will like it??

Bood

she’s your girlfriend, boss

do you think she’ll like it?

Ilya

I hope so

I think so, yes.

Now I have to hide them in the back of the fridge so that Jane doesn’t find them when she makes her vile demon green drink this weekend

Bood

i assume you’re referring to a smoothie

Ilya

Smoothies are supposed to be fun

This is like drinking grass and hay and sadness

Bood

and let me guess

you drink the whole thing every time?

Ilya

I do not waste a drop 🥰🥰

Bood

you are inventing new levels of downbadism every single time you speak

Ilya

World’s best boyfriend

Do not be jealous

Bood

i’m married, bub

got you beat on that one

Ilya

For now!

I will give you a real competition one day 💪

Bood

oh shit!!!!

are we locking in???

are you gonna be mr jane???

Ilya

One day, yes

I will let you keep your title for now 🏆

Bood

ah, you delicious man

you will be joining the best club there is

Ilya

❤️❤️❤️

Now, I have a box to make

Have a good evening my beautiful Boody 😘😘

Bood

go flirt with your girlfriend, brother

hang on

box?

Ilya

Secrecy pact!

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday February 12^th, 5.57pm

Ilya R

[image attached]

Ladies

Thoughts?

Cassie B

Holy shit Roz

Nicole B

ok but what the actual fuck

Lisa H

Ilya!! That looks like a professionally wrapped gift!!

Caitlin D

You are such a complex man, Roz

Ilya R

It’s okay??

Selena C

ROZ IT’S PERFECTTTTTT

Nicole B

i actually can’t say what my first thought was here

Cassie B

Don’t

Ilya R

Now you have to!

Nicole B

i mean this totally divorced from the context that you made this

and that i am very happily married and in love

Caitlin D

For the love of god

Nicole B

i would blow anyone who gave me that as a gift

Lisa H

I am too sleep deprived for this omggg 😑😑

Ilya R

😈😈😈

Ah, so it’s perfect then

Selena C

REPROBATEEEEEEEEEEEE

Nicole B

don’t slut shame me

lisa has the same tripod as me now

Lisa H

Don’t drag me into this!

Roz, I really see crafting in your future 😄😄

Ilya R

It was very relaxing actually

But Michaels was not relaxing

I cannot put up with Judith following me around the store asking me about my weekend plans

Cassie B

Judith??

Ilya R

Old woman in vest

Tried to sell me yarn three times

Very nice lady but my god she likes to chat

Caitlin D

I think she was probably going insane because Ilya Rozanov was buying a seashell lamp

Ilya R

That is fair

Cassie B

Are you happy with it, Roz??

Ilya R

Yes, I think I am.

I just hope my Jane will like it

Caitlin D

Roz, I am using my one earnest comment of the month on you here.

There is absolutely no way in hell that Jane won’t love it!

Not just because it looks amazing

But because of how much time you have spent on this whole thing

Selena C

SECONDED!!!

Jane will absolutely love it, Ilya

Nicole B

you did good, cap

Cassie B

So good – we are very proud of you! ❤️

Lisa H

Yes we are!! 💕💕

Ilya R

Thank you, ladies

For all of it!!

I think I am ready to surprise Jane for Valentines Day now

Cassie B

Can I be nosy for a second?

Ilya R

Potentially

Cassie B

Is there maybe another reason why this Valentine’s Day is so special to you?

💍💍??

Lisa H

👀

Ilya R

Ah, I see

Not yet

But I hope one day

Selena C

I really feel like Jane is it for you, Roz!!!

Ilya R

So do I.

Caitlin D

You can’t wait until she is the W in WAG to introduce us though, Roz!

We will love Jane and make her feel very welcome, we promise

Nicole B

absolutely

we eagerly await fresh blood

Ilya R

Your husbands know they are the luckiest men in the world, yes?

I am very excited for Jane to meet you all one day ❤️

Cassie B

❤️❤️❤️

As beautiful as this all is, I think you know what time it is, Roz

Ilya R

NOOOO

Selena C

We’ll miss you, Rozy!!!!

Caitlin D

Until next time, Ilya

Nicole B

we have taught you all we know

now go forth

and get some

Ilya R

I will do my best 🫡

And thank you again

PS. Caitlin you owe me breakfast sandwiches for the selfie

Caitlin D

Bacon & egg on chive sourdough will be with you for Monday practice!

Ilya R

Fuck yes

Goodbye, beautiful WAGs 💕

Cassie B

You’re gonna do great, Rozy 😘

Ilya R has been removed from the group chat.

Cassie B

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Selena C

ILYA ROZANOV WANTS TO MARRY SHANE HOLLANDER!!!!!!!!!

Caitlin D

SEASHELL LAMP TO PISS HIM OFF WITH?

ROMANTIC GETAWAY TO THE OCEAN

Lisa H

I am actually in tears right now 😭😭😭

Nicole B

what in the everloving fuck

how do i top this day

gossip will never be this good again

Jane ❤️💦😍

Friday February 12^th, 6.39 pm

Jane

I got here early!

You must still be walking Anya, so I’m going to start prepping dinner.

❤️

Ilya

Shane, my love

You are the most talented man in the world

Second greatest hockey player of all time

But please do not touch the salmon

And do not go in the fridge!!

Jane

What? Why can’t I go in the fridge?

I’m just grabbing a ginger ale.

Oh, I see 🫢

Ilya

Shane!! 😩😩😩

Jane

Pretend I didn’t see anything!

On a completely unrelated note, I love you.

Ilya

You are awful at surprises

But I love you too

Jane

Ilya

Ilya

Yes?

Jane

Hurry back please.

[image attached]

Ilya

Give me 10 minutes

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday February 12^th, 8.02pm

Ilya

This is me fucking and telling

Bood

man it’s not even vday yet 😩

Ilya

If you don’t see me on Monday

I died doing what I love

😏

Bood

godspeed, cap

Chapter 3

Chapter Summary

Ilya
How much sex would kill a man?
Bood
are you about to find out?
Ilya
I think so.
Make sure they play ABBA at my funeral
Seafood risotto, Wine Fridays & a weekend by the ocean.

Chapter Notes

valentinesssssssssss is hereeeeeeeee beach weekend is heeeeeeereeeeee

you are all scrummy thank you thank you for being so lovely

See the end of the chapter for more notes

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday August 7^th, 3.17pm

Selena C

LADIESSSSSS

I need advice

Cassie B

Ooh, shoot!

Nicole B

do go on

Selena C

How do I kill my husband for busting the suspension on his car????

For swerving into a ditch to avoid a crow???

A CROWWW

Cassie B

Oh fuck, is Nick okay??

Selena C

He’s fine, don’t worry!!!

But his car is fucked so now I’m sitting outside the rink like a mom doing a school pick up

🫩🫩🫩🫩🫩

Nicole B

does nick know that crows have wings

and thus can simply

fly out of the way of a car

Selena C

Honestly, Nic

I CAN’T

Caitlin D

Ask him what he got up to in school today when he gets in

Glad he’s okay though!

Cassie B

You know you can head in, right Sel?

The guys really don’t care

If I ever have to pick Bood up, I just hang around rinkside until they’re done

Selena C

I think I might have to

I’ve been out here for 20 minutes already

BOREDDDD

Lisa H

Hang on, Wyatt hasn’t gone to practise today??

Cassie B

Optional summer session!

Whatever the smelly hockey boy equivalent of a soccer kickaround is

I think there’s only like 5 of them there?

Nicole B

yeah, they’re easing that new guy barrett in

Caitlin D

Verdict on him?

Nicole B

jury’s out, personally

Cassie B

Same!

Waiting to hear what Bood thinks

Selena C

Oh thank fucccccck

They’re coming out now

Caitlin D

Say hi to the boys for me!

Selena C

Will do!!!

Nicole B

cass

are we still doing drinks at yours on friday?

Cassie B

Yes! Bood is out with some friends from home

So we’ve got the house to ourselves

😈

Caitlin D

I’m going to head out to Almonte tomorrow, so get your drinks orders in!

Nicole B

🫡

Lisa H

I’ll be over after work, Cass! Like 9ish?

Cassie B

Whenever, honey! Can’t promise I won’t be several glasses deep by then though 😏

Selena C

OH MY FUCKING GODDDD

GUYSSS

Nicole B

???

Selena C

WE FORGOT THE DATE

Lisa H

Huh??

It’s August 7^th?

Caitlin D

Is it? Oh fuck, my period is late

Parking that for now

Why do we care about August 7^th?

Cassie B

Oh FUCK

Selena C

HOW DID WE FORGETTTTT

Nicole B

please stop with your riddles three

Selena C

I was just chatting to the boys

Asking them generally what they’re doing with their weekends

And GUESS WHAT ROZ SAIDDDDDD

Caitlin D

OH SHIT

Lisa H

OMG!

Cassie B

IT’S PARLEE BEACH WEEKEND

Nicole B

how the absolute fuck did we forget about this

this has been our gossip fodder for months

we’re losing our touch, ladies

Cassie B

Did he seem excited??

Selena C

Yes, so excitedddd!!

But also like

A bit anxious

Lisa H

Oh, what a honey

He’s probably been planning the entire weekend for months!

Nicole B

planning a weekend away with shane hollander

Caitlin D

Girls, I have a suggestion

How do we fancy grabbing our rods… and going fishing…

Nicole B

yes god

Cassie B

Abso-fucking-lutely

Weekend admission?

Selena C

YESSSSS

Nicole B

get it done, boodram

Cassie Bood 👸

Wednesday August 7^th, 3.30pm

Cassie

Roz!

Ilya

Cassie!

What a lovely surprise this is

How is Bood Manor?

Cassie

Ship-shape over here, thanks Cap!

Straight to business

A little birdy told me that it’s a certain weekend…

Ilya

Little birdy clearly has a hockey husband who brakes for other birds

Yes?

Cassie

Maaaaybe

Ilya

😂

Yes, we drive to the beach for long weekend tomorrow

❤️❤️❤️

Cassie

Ahh!!!

Are you excited?

Ilya

Yes!

Cassie

Are you nervous?

Ilya

...Also yes.

Your witch powers are scary, Cassie

Cassie

We thought you might be.

So we have an enticing offer for you…

Ilya

Do not play games with my heart, Cassandra Boodram

Cassie

One lucky winner will receive an EXCLUSIVE weekend re-admission to the WAG chat!

Ilya

YESS!!!

You are all beautiful and kind

I would love this

I am maybe panicking a little bit

What if Jane doesn’t like the villa? 😰

Cassie

Honey, let your godmothers look after you

Ilya

🥹🥹🥹🥹

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday August 7^th, 3.33pm

Cassie B

Incoming – hiding chat history

Selena C

!!!!!

Ilya R has been added to the group chat.

Ilya R

Beautiful WAGs

Did you miss me? 😏

Caitlin D

He returns!

Nicole B

hey pookie!

Lisa H

Hi Roz!

Selena C

HEY ROZY!!!

Cassie B

Roz, your salvations have arrived (again)

Tell us everything!

Ilya R

I am going to say thank you in advance now

So that I do not have to do it 10 million times more

Lisa H

Are you all set for this weekend??

Ilya R

I think so

Villa people have stocked the fridge with everything I have asked for

Gross quinoa

Ugly kale

Vile wheatgrass juice

All for my Jane

Caitlin D

I was going to say that was nice of them, but given that the place cost the GDP of an entire country

That feels like the least they can do

Cassie B

Can we not get Jane to loosen up a bit on the diet??

For a romantic getaway??

Nicole B

seconded

everyone sign my petition to get jane to eat pizza

Ilya R

You have not met Jane

She will go a little easier over the summer

But if I feed her too much pizza she will tell me we have to go running

And she is too competitive and will tie my shoelaces together

Lisa H

So she’s a runner?

Ilya R

She is an everythinger

If there is a way to make your body a temple

Jane and her nutritionist have tried it

And they have succeeded 🥵🥵

Nicole B

oh wow

must be so hard for you

to have a healthy and beautiful girlfriend

Ilya R

It is a burden I must bear

Cassie B

Liar

Ilya R

I am obsessed with it

When I tell her that her smoothies are disgusting and she wants me dead

I mean that I will drink 12 a day forever for her

Selena C

AHHHHHHH

This is so exciting Roz!!!

Do you have anything else to organize???

Ilya R

Dinners, mostly

But my beautiful prince is helping me out there

Caitlin D

Cassie B

He means Bood 🤦

Ilya R

Yes

The only other person who owns my heart apart from Jane 👑

Lisa H

🤣🤣🤣

Are you all packed?

Ilya R

Yes!

Why do I have so many bags

How many jeans do two people need?

Nicole B

okay, i’m biting

you’ve packed jane’s clothes?

Ilya R

Some of them, yes

Things Jane has left here before

Selena C

YOU DO NOT JUST GET TO DROP THAT AND GO, ILYA!!!!!!

Cassie B

Co-habiting CO-HABITING CO-HABITING

Ilya R

Googling

Yes!

Well, sometimes

It makes sense for Jane to leave things here

And then she has brought the rest up already

Caitlin D

Maybe it’s because my period is late but this is making me weirdly emotional

Oh fuck

Pretend you didn’t see that, Roz!

Ilya R

TOO LATE!!

WHAT???

Caitlin D

It could be nothing!

Ilya R

It could also be a baby Dykstra???

Caitlin D

No blabbing until I know either way!

Ilya R

My lips are sealed

But I will cry if I am not godfather

Cassie B

I need to return to the co-habiting for a second!

Because, Ilya

“And then she has brought the rest up already”

CARE TO FUCKING EXPLAIN?

Nicole B

you should have been a detective, jesus christ

Ilya R

Oh, fuck

Secrecy pact?

Cassie 👀👀

Cassie B

Swear on Zane’s grill

👍 Lisa H, Caitlin D, Nicole B, Selena C

Ilya R

Jane and me are living together over summer

🙈🙈🙈

Selena C

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!

Caitlin D

ILYA ROZANOV

Lisa H

Omg!!!!!

Nicole B

damn, that morning noon and night is suddenly a lot more plausible huh roz

Ilya R

Sweet Nicole

You have no idea 😏

Cassie B

I’m clutching my heart like an old lady in a soap opera 😩

How’s it going??

Ilya R

It is my favourite thing that has ever happened to me

I do not want Jane to leave ever

Okay, I am bracing myself

Say it

Selena C

LOVER BOYYYYYYYYY

Nicole B

what she said

Caitlin D

The most boy to ever lover

Lisa H

I’m not strong enough for this! 😭

Cassie B

Ilya, I fucking love this for you

And I now understand why you missed the BBQ last month!

Nicole B

i did wonder

zane looked like he was missing part of his soul

Ilya R

Stop! 😭😭

I hate to think of my Boody in pain

But yes, Jane was here

And we are still trying to be private

Lisa H

Roz, can I ask a question?

And you can feel free not to answer?

Ilya R

Okay

Lisa H

Are you happy with the way things are?

I mean, with all the privacy?

Ilya R

Hmm

Caitlin D

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, Roz

Ilya R

No no it is okay

I think yes and no?

There are lots of reasons why we have to be private

And I hope one day that you can know them and understand

Cassie B

Of course, sweetie!

Ilya R

When people find out about Jane and me

It will not just be ours anymore

Which is a lot

But I like talking about Jane because I love her

And I want all the other people I love to love Jane too

Cassie B

We will love Jane!

Lisa H

We sure will! Thank you for telling us, Ilya ❤️

Selena C

We’ve got your back, Roz!!!!!

Nicole B

centaurs bond doesn’t just mean wearing a fucking ugly jersey, rozy

Ilya R

Ah my ladies

I have missed you

❤️ Nicole B, Lisa H, Selena C, Caitlin D, Cassie B

Cassie B

Okay, back to the other matters at hand before we all start crying!

Nicole B

important question: how many of those bags are just full of condoms

Caitlin D

Nic for god’s sake

Ilya R

Nicole: all of them are FILLED

Caitlin: I will drop some off at your house yes?

Because it sounds like you need them? 😉

Selena C

LMAOOOOOOO

Caitlin D

Jeez, you forget to refill your birth control prescription ONCE

Cassie B

This doesn’t get you out of buying wine until you know for sure!

Ilya R

What!

Beautiful WAGs who I adore

I bought you so much wine in February

How have you finished it??

Nicole B

don’t shame us

wine fridays are practically bible study for us at this point

Caitlin D

Blood of Christ and all that

Lisa H

Roz, you try working nights in a hospital and then come at me with that attitude 😵‍💫

Selena C

GET HER JADE

Ilya R

I am not shaming!

Is very impressive

Please teach your husbands how so I am not kindergarten teacher on team nights out 🚸

They drink like crazy idiots

Caitlin D

Roz, I have literally seen you put away more than all of them combined on a random Tuesday

Ilya R

Russian constitution

The Canadian liver cannot comprehend

Cassie B

I will NOT be distracted, girls! Ilya, I want to know what you have planned for the weekend

Ilya R

Oh Cassie

No, you really do not

Caitlin D

I’m guessing it’s just going to be doing it on every sturdy surface in the place?

Ilya R

No!

We might go for a walk as well 😉

Swim in the ocean a little bit

Food

And then back to the next surface!

Lisa H

OOOH, bring some board games!

Ilya R

I have packed cards and bananagrams

But Jane is on a board game ban

Accused me of being a capitalist pig because I bought all the railroads in Monopoly

Kept denying hits in Battleship

Tried to invent a new room in Cluedo

Nicole B

my god

you’re perfect for each other

Ilya R

🥰🥰🥰🥰

Selena C

OKAYYY

So forgive me if I’m wrong, but it kind of sounds like you have this sorted Roz??

Why are you nervous???

Cassie B

And if you’ve already been living together as well!

Ilya R

I am not even really sure why I am nervous

I think maybe because this is my first big gesture for Jane?

Well, second I suppose

Caitlin D

What was the first gesture??

Ilya R

Well, not a gesture because I do not want it to feel like a thing I did just for Jane

I did it for both of us

But moving to Canada was the first big thing

Cassie B

WAIT

HOLD THE FUCK UP

You moved to Ottawa for Jane???

Nicole B

this is unreal

Lisa H

Omg!!

Ilya R

Yes

We wanted to be slightly shorter long distance

Jane is Canadian

And I have no feelings about America so it was easy for me to leave

Well, not so easy to leave the team

But I have found my favourite team here

Selena C

Rozzzzzzz!!!

This is the most romantic thing in the world!!

Jane is SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU

Nicole B

seconded! you are a little treasure, rozy

Ilya R

Ahh ladies

You are kind

I feel like I do not deserve someone like Jane

Caitlin D

Well, you can shut the fuck up with that

Cassie B

What she said!

Nicole B

any man who is willing to take on midweek michaels trip in the name of love is a worthy man indeed

Ilya R

Keep one more secret?

I have actually been back to Michaels a few times

Judith is nosiest woman alive but I am invested in her knitting group drama

Apparently Sandra is an “uppity madam”

Who pretends her daughter has a successful candle making business

Nicole B

classic sandra

Lisa H

Okay, I need to be kept up to date on Judith drama from now on

Also, Ilya

You’re going to do so amazing this weekend!

Everything is perfect and Jane will love it 🤩🤩

Ilya R

Ahh Lisa

WAGs

What would I do without you girls?

Cailtin D

You’d have to ask the boys for advice

And Evan would tell you to write her a song probably

Cassie B

I need you to tell me right the fuck now that Evan did not write you a song

Caitlin D

He tried

Got stuck when the only rhyme he could come up with for “astronomic” was “bubonic”

Selena C

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Ilya R

If there are any early drafts of this song

I would be interested to see them

For no reason at all 👀

Caitlin D

Roz, I adore you

But I would not be doing my job as a wife if I gave you ammo like this

Ilya R

Damn

Okay, I have to go!

Jane is back from walking Anya

Lisa H

Roz!!! Tell Jane we say hi!

Cassie B

Do it right now!!

Ilya R

Okay okay

Jane says hello back to the WAGs!

Selena C

We have CONTACTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Nicole B

hi jane!

Caitlin D

Hi Jane!

Ilya R

I will send you photos from the villa tomorrow?

Selena C

YESSSS

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday August 7^th, 5.12pm

Bood

right

checklist

seafood for the friday night risotto?

Ilya

Clams, shrimp, octopus

Bood

sexy

chicken for the caesar salad on saturday?

Ilya

Chicken is organic, free-range

Fed on keto diet and with 24/7 access to spa and sauna and flexible work from home plan

Just like Jane likes

Bood

lemme get the address for those chickens cause that sounds sweet as hell

what are we doing sunday?

Ilya

Sunday we will leave after lunch

I am making tuna melts

Bood

roz

tuna melts are a deeply unfuckable meal

Ilya

Believe and you can achieve, my darling Boody

If anyone can make a tuna melt worthy of a fuck

It is me 😮‍💨

Bood

if you actually manage to pull off a last minute quicky smelling of tinned fish

i will give you aux privileges at every bbq until christmas

Ilya

I hope you like Russian rap and the Spice Girls!

Jane ❤️💦😍

Thursday August 8^th, 12.12pm

Jane

Do you need anything from the store in here? 💕

Ilya

Shane, sweetheart

I am literally at gas pump now

Why are you texting me from inside??

Jane

Just trying to save us time!

Ilya

Ah my little planner

Human stopwatch with the best ass in Canada

Pringles please

I will get boring salted if you have some

🥰

Jane

Like you wouldn’t eat the whole tube anyway.

And yes, I’ll get salted.

Ilya

Cashier lady looks like she is flirting with you through the window

2 more minutes and I will fake a robbery

Jane

ILYA

She is definitely trying it, though. 😏

Ilya

I will burn her house down

Jane

ILYA!

Ilya

Fine, just garden shed or garage

Jane

Unfortunately for her, I’m very happily taken. And gay.

Ilya

You’re GAY????

Jane

🙄

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Thursday August 8^th, 5.51pm

Ilya R

[image attached]

The villa!

Jane loves it 😍😍

Nicole B

what in the hugh hefner pussy palace bullshit is that

how is it bigger than it looked online

Caitlin D

Fucking jeez, Roz, save some game for the rest of us

Lisa H

Pregnant ladies don’t need game!

Caitlin D

Fuck OFFFFFF with that energy please!

I haven’t even taken a test yet

Cassie B

It looks amazing, Ilya!

And of course she loves it

Selena C

SMASHED IT ROZZ!!!

Ilya R

Caitlin Dykstra!

You have not taken a test yet???

Cassie B

Her genuine reasoning being that she might have to miss out on Wine Friday tomorrow

Nicole B

schrodinger’s fetus

Lisa H

Cait, I swear to god you NEED to take a test!

Don’t make me go all healthcare professional on you

Caitlin D

Have I been bad, nurse? 😏

Lisa H

That’s Doctor Hayes to you 😏

Ilya R

Caitlin, if you are pregnant

You will still have more game than anyone else

Except maybe Nicole

Caitlin D

I’ll take that silver with pride

Nicole B

🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

now go and get your dick sucked, rozanov

Cassie B

...Have you started drinking already??

Ilya R

🫡

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday August 9^th, 11.01am

Bood

morning dear

how goes the atlantic lovefest?

Ilya

Morning darling

It is fantastic

I have not seen the sea yet 😉

Bood

just uttered the world’s most emotional “get some”

Ilya

Jane is having the best time

I owe you and your wife and the WAGs a debt of gratitude!!

Bood

no debts here, rozy

we all want it to go well for you and jane!

now go and fuck your beautiful girlfriend in the ocean

traumatize all the mermaids with your pasty ass

Ilya

The world would go crazy if they found out you were weirder than me

Bood

and that is why they shall never learn the truth

don’t forget to take the seafood out after lunch!

Ilya

❤️ you!

Bood

❤️

Ilya

Did not say it back

I see how it is

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday August 9^th, 7.52pm

Ilya R

@Cassie B, you need to get Bood to make you his pinterest seafood risotto!

[image attached]

Cassie B

Holy shti

yes I do

Lisa H

Damn, Rozy! That looks great!

Selena C

NICEEEEE

Caitlin D

TEST WAS NEGATIVE SLUTS

UNCORK THAT FUCKING BOTTLE

Nicole B

cass uncorked that bottle about 2 hours ago

Cassie B

GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE CAIT

and you too @Lisa H when you have stopped saving lives!!!

Ilya R

Wine Fridays sound fun

I want to come to one!!

Nicole B

rozy, darling

as much as we would love to have you

we cannot set the precedent of allowing stinky hockey boys into our sacred space

Caitlin D

Unfortunately, seconded

Amelia Earhart didn’t fly her rocket to the moon or whatever for us to let men in on the age old tradition of talking gossipy shit

Cassie B

Besides, what if it’s you we’re gosisping about Roz

😉👀

Ilya R

Why would you gossip about me???

Selena C

WHO KNOWSSSSS

Send us some photos so that we can talk about them please!!!

Ilya R

[image attached]

Do you gossip about me??

Caitlin D

We gossip about everyone, Cap!

Never anything serious, promise

Ilya R

🤨

Nicole B

you’re all good with us, chief

it’s usually more of a heated discussion about the fucking rude receptionist at the rink

or about whether we think wiebe and his wife have a third

Ilya R

Okay

No to Wiebe and wife for sure

Too vanilla for third

And you mean Tara on reception?

Caitlin D

That’s the bitch

Ilya R

She is rude, you are right

And her lip filler is too much

And her boyfriend is cheating on her with a pilates instructor from Planet Fitness

Nicole B

fuck, maybe you do need to come to wine fridays

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday August 10^th, 9.01am

Ilya

How much sex would kill a man?

Bood

are you about to find out?

Ilya

I think so.

Make sure they play ABBA at my funeral

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Sunday August 11^th, 6.37pm

Nicole B

radio silence from @Ilya R all day

did your dick fall off?

Caitlin D

Banged to death, what a way to go

Cassie B

He was so young!

Selena C

STOPPPPP

Lisa H

Everyone talk quieter, I’m still hungover from Friday 🤮

Ilya R

I am alive. Just.

But I would happily get fucked to death by Jane

💖

Cassie B

How did your dinners go?

Bood’s been showing me his Pinterest boards

Caitlin D

This is still my favourite bit of lore I’ve learned about Zane

Ilya R

Dinners were good! Not as good as my prince would have made them, but I hope I made him proud 👑👑

And they are very organized boards!

Except the names are “vibes based”

Which just makes no sense at all

Ah, I have been spending too much time listening to Jane tidy

Nicole B

omg roz, are you dating a neat freak (complimentary)

Ilya R

The freakiest

Laundry is not just colours and whites

It is sub-sorted into fabric and no more than 15 items per load (25 if it is very sock heavy as these are smaller)

5 loads per laundry day

Lisa H

Damn, that is better laundry etiquette than every single porter at my hospital has 🫨

Ilya R

It is so fucking hot

I am trained like dog they sent to space to fall to my knees every time Jane asks me if I have any t-shirts to wash

When she sorts out our clothes from the weekend I will have to lock myself in a dark room

Cassie B

LOVER. BOY.

Ilya R

The loverest 😭

Cassie B

Did you have a good time, Ilya??

Ilya R

The best

I thought that it could not get better than this summer

But my Jane and the ocean??

Wow

I did not want to leave

Selena C

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ilya R

I know I said that I would not say it again

But thank you, beautiful WAGs

For helping me organize

Jane has been so happy

And she says thank you as well because I told her you helped

Caitlin D

We don’t need thanks from either of you!

But I can’t pretend that I didn’t just drop my phone at the thought of A SECOND JANE/WAG INTERACTION

Nicole B

new jane x wag collab just dropped!!!!!

Cassie B

Omg omg omg omg

OMG!

Selena just screamed somewhere in Orleans

Selena C

YES I DIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Ilya R

She is very grateful I have you and the boys

She was worried when I left Boston that I would find it hard

And I think she worried that she had asked too much of me to give up my life there

But I told her that she did not ask for anything, I gave it freely

❤️ Cassie B, Selena C

Lisa H

TOO HUNGOVER FOR THIS 😭

Nicole B

with bars like that, you should be helping evan write his songs

Caitlin D

😂😂

No one can ever let that boy near a guitar again

Cassie B

I’m so happy everything went well, Ilya

We knew it would!!

Sadly, you know what this means…

Ilya R

Please no 😟

Can we have a beautiful WAGs + one beautiful Russian group chat to talk shit about Tara?

How else will I update you on Judith and Sandra drama!!!

Nicole B

that is an incredibly tempting offer

the court will take it into consideration and pass verdict at a later date

Lisa H

Thank you for telling us how your weekend was, Ilya!!

I think the ladies and I can hereby extend an hour of dedicated WAG gossip time at every BBQ!

❤️ Selena C, Nicole B, Cassie B, Caitlin D

Ilya R

I accept!!!!

The WAGs are so generous

Okay, I am at peace now

Remove me

Goodbye glorious beautiful ladies

🤗🤗

Cassie B

Goodbye, honey!

Selena C

BYE ROZYYYYYY

Ilya R has been removed from the group chat.

Caitlin D

SHANE HOLLANDER DOES 5 LOADS OF LAUNDRY EVERY WASH DAY

Bood 🥵🏒

Sunday August 11^th, 9.23pm

Bood

i smell paco rabanne in the air

my son is home!!!

Ilya

My sweet Bood!

I am back

And better than ever 😏

Bood

good weekend?

Ilya

My favourite weekend ever in the history of my life

💞

Bood

yes!!!!!

one earnest thing before you call me and debrief me on the risotto

i’m really, really happy you’ve got jane, man

and i know the wags are always on about meeting her

but we’re all stoked for you brother

Ilya

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you, Boody

Call you about risotto in 30 minutes?

Bood

sticking a beer in the fridge now

Jane ❤️💦😍

Monday August 12^th, 9.00am

Jane

Morning, baby ❤️

Ilya

Good morning, my love

Where are you?

Jane

Out with Mom today, remember? I'll bring Anya back this afternoon.

Ilya

Oh yes!!!

Give Yuna a kiss from me please

Jane

Done. ❤️

Ilya

Can you pick up teriyaki glaze for pork skewers later?

Bood has sent me another recipe I want to try

Jane

Oh yeah? You didn’t find it on Pinterest? 😉

Ilya

What!!!

No!!!

Bood did though

Jane

Sure thing 😄

Listen

I’ve been thinking this morning about our conversation on Saturday. The whole weekend was incredible, and you are the most beautiful man in the world. You’re brave, and special, and you’ve built this entire community that love you so much and want you to be happy.

And fuck, I really want to be a part of that. For you, and with you. I know it can’t be everything, not yet, but it could be a start, right?

Ilya

Shane

Love of my life

What are you saying?

Jane

Ilya, baby.

Get me into that WAG chat.

💕

Chapter End Notes

edging you all for just a tiny bit longer!!!

hope you like it and see you soon for the big jane x wag chat collab xxxx

Chapter 4: Jane (?) has been added to the group chat.

Chapter Summary

Bood
i take it you’re the reason my wife just ran out of the room screaming?

Ilya
I do have that effect on women

Bood
stop wearing so much cologne, then

Ilya
Sticks and stones, darling
Couples costumes, drama with Tara the receptionist, and Jane's first five months in the WAG chat.

Chapter Notes

jane is finally in the wag chat!! for all of you who have spent the time reading my silly little story, i hope this makes it a worthwile investment <3 chapter 4 is a little bit more emotional, but life is all about the light and shade innit. love these boys, love you all!

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday August 15^th, 5.00pm

Ilya

Prince Bood?

Bood

yes dear

Ilya

Permission to text your wife? 🙏🙏🙏

Bood

i can’t work out if it feels weirder when you ask or when you don’t

but yes, my king

go right ahead

Cassie Bood 👸

Thursday August 15^th, 5.07pm

Ilya

Cassie

Cassie

Rozy…

Ilya

I have a gift for you maybe

🥰

Cassie

Roz, I love you but it CANNOT be more pinot grigio!

Bood’s mom asked me if she needed to “find me a number” when she saw my wine rack last week…

Ilya

It is not wine

And tell Bood’s mother to mind her business

My WAGs are perfect ❤️

Cassie

You’re so cute!

But I need you to promise me that you’ll never tell your future mother-in-law to mind her business

Ilya

Jesus fucking Christ

Jane’s mother??

a) she is wonderful

b) she would have figured out 56 ways to kill me by dinner

c) b again

Cassie

Good boy

Anyway, back to the gift you have for the lovely WAGs... 👀

Ilya

Ilya has shared a contact with you: Jane

Cassie

Holy fucking shit

I am going to need a brief interlude

brb

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday August 15^th, 5.08pm

Bood

i take it you’re the reason my wife just ran out of the room screaming?

Ilya

I do have that effect on women 🥵

Bood

stop wearing so much cologne, then

Ilya

Sticks and stones, darling

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Thursday August 15^th, 5.09pm

Cassie B

Get on your fucking phones RIGHT NOW

I DON’T CARE WHERE YOU ARE!!!!!

Caitlin D

Reporting for duty 🫡

Selena C

????????????

Nicole B

who died

Lisa H

Is everything okay, Cass???

Cassie B

[screenshot attached]

Caitlin D

Oh my fucking god

Selena C

SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Lisa H

I just burst into tears

😭😭😭😭😭😭

Nicole B

holy shit.

Caitlin D

It’s him, right?

Like it’s got to be him?

Cassie B

I think it is

Nicole B

doesn’t matter

absolutely zip fuck all nada from us until they tell us themselves

jane is joining the chat, only jane

👍Selena C, Lisa H, Cassie B, Caitlin D

Lisa H

We say absolutely NOTHING!

But oh my god oh my god OH MY GOD!!!!!

Cassie B

This has to be fucking huge for them

Right??

Nicole B

yeah, this is big

endgame shit

Selena C

OH MY GODDDD!!!

Why am I so proud of them like they’re my own sons??????

Cassie B

Right, I need a five minute lock in from you all

@Selena C, you’re searching the chat for “Shane”

@Caitlin D, “Hollander”

@Nicole B, “pinboard”

@Lisa H, “boyfriend”

Delete it all

Cassie B has deleted these messages.

Nicole B

cass, add him with no chat history!!!

Cassie B

I’m going to!! But I don’t want us to get this wrong because we missed something stupid

We are not fucking this up 🤞

Caitlin D

On it right now

Selena C

SAME

Cassie B

Tell me when you’re done!

✅Nicole B, Lisa H, Selena C, Caitlin D

Nicole B

i think we’re good

can’t believe we’re adding in the person that caitlin used to wank off to

Nicole B has deleted this message.

Caitlin D

I literally told you that in confidence

Lisa H

...Same girl 🙈

Cassie B

Honestly, same when the mood took me

Right...

Are we good to fucking go????

Selena C

JANE IN THE WAG CHAT JANE IN THE WAG CHAT JANE IN THE WAG CHAT

!!!!!!

Cassie Bood 👸

Thursday August 15^th, 5.21pm

Cassie

Okay, back! Sorry!

Ilya

Is everything okay?

The girls want Jane in the chat, yes?

Cassie

Oh, honey 😭

We’ve been after this since we found out about her!!

I just wanted to let them freak out privately so we didn’t scare her off

Ilya

Can I ask

I know you are all beautiful glorious wonderful

But you will be nice to her, yes?

Cassie

Listen here, lover boy

We told you this MANY. TIMES. OVER.

We are going to fucking cherish her

Because she is one of us!

Okay? ❤️

Ilya

Yes, okay.

Jane is still worried about privacy, I am as well

But she is so smart and kind

And my god, she is funny

Cassie

Then she’s going to fit right in 😏

I promise I’ll try and rein in Nic a bit

But I’m no miracle worker…

Ilya

Ahh, darling Cassandra

My Jane makes Nicole look like a nun 😏

Cassie

‘ATTA GIRL!

Is she good for me to add her now??

Ilya

I will ask

Okay, yes. Add her

Cassie?

Cassie

Yeah?

Ilya

Thank you
❤️

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Thursday August 15^th, 5.38pm

Jane (?) has been added to the group chat.

Cassie B

LADIES, WE HAVE A NEW COMRADE!

Caitlin D

Squadron, fall in!

Cassie B

Everyone please welcome Jane (Ilya’s girlfriend) to the Fillies!!!!

Nicole B

hi jane!! i’m nic, josh boyle’s wife

Lisa H

Jane!!!! We have been so looking forward to chatting to you!

Lisa H here, wife of Wyatt Hayes!

Selena C

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I’m Selena, Nick Chouinard’s wife!!!

Cassie B

Cassie, married to Bood, Ilya’s AC!

Caitlin D

Caitlin, recently graduated to wife of Evan Dykstra

Hi!

Jane (?)

Wow, hi.

It’s really nice to meet you all.

And I think the first thing I should say is a thank you for last weekend…

Nicole B

it was absolutely our pleasure

and i’m immediately going to need tips on how to make josh spend an absolute fuck ton of money on a holiday for us

Jane (?)

You’ve met Ilya, right?

That man takes no convincing to spend an absolute fuck ton of money on anything.

I once watched him drop $400 on an online palm reading 🙄

Caitlin D

No, but like

I didn’t know numbers went that high, Jane

Jane (?)

...I don’t want to know the number, do I?

Cassie B

I mean, it should make you feel smug as fuck!

But spouse to spouse, no you do not

Lisa H

We heard it went super well, right???

Jane (?)

It was amazing!

I do have a bone to pick with you all, though

Selena C

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

Jane (?)

Who the hell let him buy that awful seashell lamp?

Nicole B

lmaoooo

@Caitlin D come and collect your beating from jane

Caitlin D

Absolutely no way in hell I am taking solo responsibility for that

@Lisa H, own up!

Lisa H

…In my defence, it was on theme!!!

🤣 Selena C

Cassie B

One thing you’re going to learn about Lisa is that she loves a theme!

Nicole B

halloween goes crazy at the hayes house

Jane (?)

I woke up to it on the pillow next to me in May.

Tucked in and everything.

Caitlin D

I’m dead

The man is a menace

Jane (?)

You have no idea

Lisa H

Did he tell you he got it from Michaels??

And that he’s obsessed with Judith, the old lady who works there 😂

Jane (?)

Oh my god.

No. No he did not.

Banking this, thank you!

Cassie B

Oh Janey, you’re going to fit right in 😈

Jane ❤️💦😍

Thursday August 15^th, 6.01pm

Ilya

Stop smiling at your phone and come over here and kiss me 😔

Jane

How about you come over here and make me?

Bood 🥵🏒

Tuesday August 20^th, 2.12pm

Ilya

Darling

You need to come over this evening and say goodbye to Tatiana 😔

Bood

it’s too soon

i’m not ready

Ilya

She is going to live on a beautiful farm in Quebec

Take her out with me one last time?

Bood

let’s do it

god i’m going to miss her

her sleek curves

Ilya

Me too 💔

We can rebound with Sofia though

Bood

which one is sofia?

Ilya

The Aston

I could not be parted from her, we have too much history

Bood

ok fine

but i’m keeping a picture of tatiana in my wallet like the dead wife in a crime show

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Tuesday August 20^th, 6.55pm

Cassie B

Does anyone else’s husband look at cars like they want to fuck them, or just mine?

Nicole B

motorcycles are josh’s kryptonite

Selena C

Nick’s actually not much of a car guy!

I got luckyyyyyyyyyyyy

Caitlin D

I’m the car guy in the relationship

And yes, I have been sexually attracted to a car before

Jane (?)

Yup.

I remain worried that Ilya will try and stick his dick in an exhaust pipe one day

😂 Lisa H

Selena C

DEADD

Cassie B

@Jane (?), I dropped Bood off at Ilya’s earlier so that they can “say goodbye to Tatiana together” 🤦‍♀️

Nicole B

that sounds like they’re going to have a threesome with it

Jane (?)

Ah, yes

The Spyder!

Yeah, he’s sold her to a luxury car dealer in Quebec.

Which I’m frankly not unhappy about

None of you can ever tell me stories about how fast you’ve seen him drive, or I’ll have a heart attack.

Selena C

Then I am hereby warning you to never get in a car with Cait!!!

Caitlin D

Hey!!

I’m a good driver, thank you very much

Cassie B

If good means ‘threat to the neighbourhood’, then yes!

Lisa H

“I just think that sometimes we should consider speed limits a suggestion!” - @Caitlin D, last week

Jane (?)

Caitlin!

Caitlin D

STOP MAKING JANE THINK BADLY OF ME

😂Jane (?)

Nicole B

then stop driving like the road has personally offended you

Caitlin D

If you worked where I do, you’d be desperate to get home as quickly as possible too

Cassie B

Is your boss still being a nightmare?

Caitlin D

He’s the fucking worst

I really need to quit

Selena C

You really do!!!!!!!!

Jane (?)

What do you do?

Caitlin D

Corporate law

It’s as shit as it sounds 💀

Nicole B

cait and lisa are the big baddies of the group

money moves etc

Caitlin D

On a Centaurs salary, Evan was never going to be the sole breadwinner lol

Nicole B

i bet jane doesn’t need to worry about being the breadwinner 😏

Jane (?)

Haha

@Lisa H, you’re a doctor, right?

I think Ilya’s mentioned it before?

Lisa H

Sure am! Paediatrician over here 👋

Cassie B

In a shock to absolutely no one, @Selena C is a schoolteacher at an elementary school

⭐Selena C

I’m in (very slow) training to be a psychotherapist, and @Nicole B is in marketing!

Jane (?)

Very cool!👏

I’m in sports management.

Which is where I met Ilya

Cassie B

Oh, so YOU’RE the breadwinner???

Cait 🍷

Tuesday August 20^th, 7.12pm

Nicole

sports management

i am so charmed

Caitlin

Just put a fist through a wall out of sheer cuteness aggression

Lady Boyle

Wednesday August 28^th, 6.29pm

Lady Boyle

roz!

it’s nic

imagine i asked you how you are etc but i literally need to talk to you about this

i just had to grab josh’s spare tape from his locker on my way back from work, and i need you to please tell me that i saw what i think i saw on the reception desk 🙏

Ilya

Worst boob job in North America?

Yes, I had noticed

Hard not to 🥴

Lady Boyle

it’s insanely bad

this might be the best day of my life

Ilya

I cannot believe someone told Tara that ‘old sock filled with pennies’ was a viable tit shape

Lady Boyle

help omg

report back when she next gets her lips done again please

Ilya

🫡

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday September 3^rd, 6.55pm

Nicole B

willing to trade a sexual favour of any value to the wag who can tell me how to get oil stains out of the couch cushions

Caitlin D

Your husband eats like an ANIMAL

Nicole B

i know! and my living room is the barn

Cassie B

Dish soap! And in lieu of sexual favours, I’ll take brownies on next Wine Friday...

Nicole B

tried it, no brownies for you!

Jane (?)

How long ago did it happen?

If it’s pretty recent, sprinkle baking soda on it and leave it, then vacuum it up in the morning.

Caitlin D

Domestic goddess??

Jane (?)

Ilya also eats like he has shovels for hands.

And I have nice couches!

Nicole B

jane, you have 12 hours to consider your favour

Jane (?)

Why does that feel ominous?

Nicole B

😉

Selena C

Nick ate 5 full portions of pasta last Saturday

FIVEEEEEE

Caitlin D

Even for Nick, that’s impressive

Lisa H

On break, catching up!

Damn, Jane beat me to the sexual favour 💔

Selena C

How’s work going, L?

Lisa H

Only been thrown up on twice, woo!

Nicole B

you are the bravest woman alive

Lisa H

The new consultant is a PIECE OF WORK though

Nicole B

holy shit

Cassie B

Did we just get??? Lisa??

SHIT TALKING???

Lisa H

Leave me alone, I’m tired!

Plus, she’s a bitch 😒

Cassie B

@Jane (?) for reference, Lisa hardly ever joins in when we shit talk

She’s too nice!

Caitlin D

We used to think Selena was also too nice, but she proved us wrong fast

Selena C

You cannot expect a woman to remain sane when she is surrounded by 8 year olds every day!!!!!!!

Nicole B

join us lisa, join us

why is she a bitch

Lisa H

She came from some big fancy care facility in Toronto, which means she think she’s slumming it here 😒

But guess what I found out…

Cassie B

Go go go

Lisa H

She got FIRED FROM THERE!!

‘Unprofessional conduct’ apparently…

Nicole B

okay, but is that ‘slapped a patient’ or ‘fucked an orderly’

Lisa H

Neither 🫣

Apparently, she told a nurse that she should ‘get a real job’

Total cow

Selena C

What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk!!

Nicole B

it would be such a shame if the nurses at your place found out…

Jane (?)

She does sound like a bitch.

Caitlin D

ONE OF US, ONE OF US

😂Cassie B

Cassie Bood 👸

Wednesday September 10^th, 11.02am

Ilya

Is Jane a better beautiful WAG than me? 😟

Cassie

She is a fantastic WAG!

And you are our favourite temporary WAG ❤️

Nicole is already corrupting her with gossip, sorry…

Ilya

Ah, no need to worry

Jane is a huge gossip

Will keep something very quiet for a long time

Then throw gossip grenade and leave

She is like that meme of the little girl standing in front of the house on fire

Cassie

Oh my god

I cannot WAIT to see this!!

Ilya

She is now very hooked on Judith drama

Apparently Sandra’s son-in-law is having an affair and Sandra will not admit to it

Cassie

Roz, how often are you going to Michaels?

Ilya

It is probably now a worrying amount

🥴

😂Cassie

Lady Boyle

Monday September 15^th, 9.59am

Ilya

Lips done ✅

Saw cheater boyfriend outside Planet Fitness when I was walking Anya on Friday

Lady Boyle

was he with the pilates instructor?

Ilya

It must have been her

At least 5 years younger than Tara 👀

Lady Boyle

damn, i almost feel sorry for her

Ilya

I don’t

She made me sign in at the front desk 3 times on Monday because my writing was too messy and then she asked me if it was even written in English

Like I am illiterate?

Like I am not fucking captain?

My face is on the wall of the fucking building

Lady Boyle

changed my mind, fuck her actually

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday September 19^th, 10.45am

Cassie B

Roll call for the BBQ tonight!

Bood needs to know how much salad to pick up 🍷

Nicole B

the correct answer is none

Caitlin D

How are you as hot as you are with such a violent aversion to vegetables?

Nicole B

barbecues need meat on a grill and a cold box

not rabbit food

Jane (?)

Christ, you sound like Ilya.

Selena C

Jane, I truly think those two were separated at birth sometimes

TWINSSSSS

Lisa H

Any parentage discrepancies you need to reveal, Nic???

Nicole B

nyet

😂Jane (?)

Cassie B

Can you women focus for TWO MINUTES!!

ROLL CALL

Caitlin D

Mr & Mrs Dykstra will be present!

Lisa H

I’m on shift, which means Wyatt will definitely be there!

Please don’t let him drink too much, his mother-in-law is coming down for the weekend and I need the reinforcements!!

Selena C

We’re both coming!!!

Will bring veggie burger patties ✨

Nicole B

boyle squared will be there

Cassie B

I know Ilya’s coming because Z isn’t crying

@Jane (?), are you around??

Jane (?)

Sorry, I’m out of town for work!

Cassie B

That’s okay, honey!

It’s an open invite 💕

Caitlin D

Do you travel a lot for work, @Jane (?)?

Jane (?)

More than I’d like to.

Nicole B

ahhhh, i thought the tripod was a roadie solution only

Jane (?)

Tripod???

He told you about that?!

Nicole B

oh yes

lisa and i owe you both a debt of gratitude

Lisa H

She’s really not wrong 🙈

Jane (?)

Cassie, I’m afraid Ilya will not be able to come to the BBQ.

Because he will be dead.

Cassie B

😂😂😂😂

Don’t even joke about that, or I’ll hear Bood crying all the way from the store

Selena C

LMAOOOOOO

Jane ❤️💦😍

Friday September 19^th, 10.52am

Jane

You told the girls about the tripods??

Ilya

Ah, fuck

I was helping!

They are both very grateful, yes?

Jane

Ilyaaaaaaa

Ilya

My loveeeeeeeee

I love that you call them the girls now 🥰🥰

Jane

Stop trying to get out of this by being cute.

I’m mad at you.

Ilya

Nooo

Why??

Jane

Because you’ve been talking to the WAGs about our sex life!

Ilya

Are you embarrassed, my love?

Jane

Yes! I don’t want a bunch of nice women I’ve never met thinking about the fact that you and your girlfriend have phone sex five nights a week!

Ilya

I did not give any numbers!

I only said that the tripods were very useful 😈

My girlfriend is very needy, you know

Always needing to see my

Jane

ILYA

Ilya

😇

I am sorry

I was just boasting about my beautiful Jane

Jane

Babyyyy

You’re not playing fair.

Ilya

[image attached]

Please forgive me?

Jane

Fuck

One day that won’t work. 😒

Ilya

Of course, my love

[incoming FaceTime call from Jane ❤️💦😍]

Call ended.

Duration: 12mins 35secs

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday September 20^th, 11.09am

Cassie B

[image attached]

We missed you last night, @Jane (?)!!!

Hope work isn’t kicking your ass too much 💕

❤️Jane (?)

Bood 🥵🏒

Monday September 27^th, 3.43pm

Ilya

I did not tell you front of the team because I do not want them to be jealous little boys

But you looked glorious on the ice today

Majestic 👑👑

Bood

thank you dear

the boys will never understand what we have

does this get me out of bag skates tomorrow?

Ilya

Nope!

But I will tell you that you are beautiful while you do them

Bood

damn

even if i bring beef short rib leftovers?

Ilya

…You can do 5 minutes less

Bood

my king is a kind and benevolent ruler

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Tuesday September 30^th, 11.03am

Jane (?)

Okay, I need to know.

Caitlin D

Jane (?)

What’s with the question mark after my name?

Caitlin D

Ahhhh

Paging @Cassie B!

Cassie B

That’s a me thing 🫣

I started doing it years ago and it just kind of stuck, and now it makes me feel itchy when I don’t have the same system for everyone after I add them to group chats

But since Ilya didn’t give us a surname (and you don’t have to give one!!) I just felt like it was a question mark or bust

Jane (?)

I can understand that

Okay!

Nicole B

we can always go with r for rozanov instead 😏

Selena C

NICOLE, DOWN!!!!

Cassie B

I would apologize for her, but if I do it once then I’ll never stop 😩

Caitlin D

We would be irresponsibly reinforcing Canadian stereotypes with the volume of sorries we’d have to utter

Jane (?)

Haha, it’s fine

Does the question mark bother you, Cassie?

Cassie B

No, it’s fine!!

Caitlin D

Liar

Nicole B

liar

Jane (?)

Cassie?

Cassie B

I mean, a little

Jane (?)

I don’t want it to annoy you.

Fuck it

Let’s go with R for Rozanov 😏

Nicole B

let’s fucking goooo!

Selena C

MANIFESTTINGGGGGGG

Cassie B has changed Jane R’s name.

Jane ❤️💦😍

Saturday October 4^th, 11.58pm

Jane

Made it back to the apartment in one piece ❤️

Ilya

Anya says that she wants her dad to come back

So does her papa

Jane

I do too.

Why does it feel harder this year?

Ilya

I did not think it could

Jane

Will you be okay?

Ilya

Yes

Probably no, but yes

Jane

Can you call me?

Ilya

It’s late, sweetheart

You need to sleep

Jane

5 minutes?

Ilya

Then you will sleep?

Jane

Swear on my life.

Ilya

Please do not do that ever

Okay.

Jane

[incoming voice call from Ilya]

Call ended.

Duration: 13mins 5secs.

Ilya

I love you, sweetheart

Jane

Love you more

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Sunday October 12^th, 2.49pm

Caitlin D

Why do I feel like a fucking war widow every time Evan is on a trip?

Cassie B

I forget how shit this feels every year

Nicole B

what is the point of josh lifting weights all summer if he’s not here to throw me around 😩

Caitlin D

It’s actually impressive how you managed to sound both horny and sad there

Nicole B

it’s called a crymax, look it up

Caitlin D

I absolutely won’t

Selena C

At least it’s only a few days this time?? 😭😭

UGHHHHHHH

Lisa H

Sorry @Jane R, we all get a bit mopey when they head off at the start of the season!

Jane R

No need to apologize!

Believe me, I get it

Caitlin D

Jeez, between all your work travel & Rozy’s roadies, the season must be double shit for you

Jane R

Yeah, double shit.

It’s even worse that this is still more than we ever used to get together.

Nicole B

shit, really?

Jane R

Yeah.

At first, we’d go months without seeing each other

Cassie B

Oh my god, I think I’d start talking to the walls

Lisa H

When we first started dating, I didn’t see Wyatt for like 2 months 😭

I actually can’t even think about it

That must be so hard, Jane

Jane R

I think I got so used to being around him all the time this summer too

So it feels super fucking awful now

Cassie B

Oh yes, the co-habiting!

How did it go???

Selena C

Is he messy??? Does he mow the lawn???

Jane R

It was great.

And he’s actually very tidy!

Randomly really loves vacuuming 😮‍💨

And Cass, whatever recipe-based Pinterest love affair he & Zane have going on is really working…

Cassie B

Honestly, it’s Bood’s greatest accomplishment!

He literally talks about Roz like he’s his child 😂

Nicole B

those two are the weirdest father & son slash lovers combo i’ve ever seen

Selena C

It’s so cuteeeeeeeeeeee

Lisa H

Jane, when we get you out to a BBQ, we’ll get them both drunk enough to do their duet of ‘I Got You Babe’ 😂

Caitlin D

It feels almost psychosexual in nature

Jane R

Oh my god

I didn’t even know he knew that song??

Nicole B

oh, he knows it very well

Jane R

Please send me a video next time he does it!

I need new blackmail material.

😈Cassie B

Cassie B

Fuck it, I don’t care if it’s a Sunday

Girls, you’re coming over tonight!

👍Selena C, Lisa H, Caitlin D, Nicole B

Lisa H

Jane, if you’re about please join us! ❤️

Jane R

I’m sorry, I’m back home for now so won’t be able to make it.

But have fun!

Cassie B

Like I said, open invite for whenever you want ❤️

❤️Jane R

Cait 🍷

Sunday October 12^th, 3.11pm

Caitlin

Honestly, I’m too emotional for this right now

Nicole

fucking hell, it must be horrible for them

Caitlin

Months, Nic

MONTHS 😭

Nicole

yeah, i need to start drinking immediately

Jane ❤️💦😍

Saturday October 18^th, 10.01pm

Ilya

Did that little bitch from Toronto bust your lip open???

Jane

Barely!

He checks like a toddler. 👶

Ilya

I will kick him in the teeth in our next game

Is it okay?

Are you bruised?

Jane

It’s nothing!

Don’t act like I didn’t watch you absolutely eat shit on the ice tonight

Ilya

How dare you!!! 🫨

I have never eaten shit once in my life

Jane

What did you call that fall, then?

Ilya

I gracefully took a rest on the ice in the middle of game

Jane

Bullshit

LOSER!

BIG OLD LOSER

Ilya

Keep going, I am close

Jane

Well, I wouldn’t want to leave you high & dry.

LOSERRRRRRRRRR

Ilya

🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

Ice your lip please!

Jane

Yes, sir 🫡

Ilya

Please Shane, I am an old man

I cannot come twice in one hour

Jane

😂

Go to sleep, idiot.

Ilya

Your idiot?

Jane

No one else’s.

Love you, baby ❤️

Ilya

Goodnight, my love ❤️

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday October 24^th, 7.07pm

Ilya

What are we going to be for Hazy’s Halloween party???

Bood

rozy dear

i can’t do a couple’s costume with you if i am already doing one with my wife

Ilya

Boooooo

One moment please

Cassie Bood 👸

Friday October 24^th, 7.08pm

Ilya

Beautiful Cassandra Boodram of Bood Manor

Please can I borrow your husband for two person Halloween costume?

Cassie

It doesn’t make you less in love with each other if you don’t call it a couple’s costume

But yes please!

I fucking HATE dress up 🙄

Ilya

Thank you!

And I am sure your hair looked lovely today

😂Cassie

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday October 24^th, 7.09pm

Ilya

Problem solved ✨

Now what are we going to be for Hazy’s party???

Bood

good lord

if you used your powers for evil, the world would end

Ilya

Batman & Robin?

Bood

corny

shining twins?

Ilya

None of you would be ready to see my calves in those dresses 💁

Egg & bacon?

Bood

veto

you know full well that we will end up in a lover’s quarrel because neither of us want to be the egg

Ilya

That is fair

I do not want to be the egg.

Oh my god

I have found it!!!!

https://www.costumeempor…

Bood

you magnificent bastard

it’s perfect 🥲

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday October 31^st, 10.34pm

Cassie B

@Jane R, for your viewing pleasure!!!

[image attached]

Jane R

Oh my GOD

This is incredible.

😂

Nicole B

mario & luigi is kind of perfect for them

because them in a room together drunk is sort of like listening to two cartoon plumbers fight

😂Lisa H

Caitlin D

Ilya also made a point to tell us that he was Mario because his “cars are clearly superior”

And because unlike Luigi, “I would not hesitate to kill the stupid mushroom or the infant crocodile”

💀Selena C

Jane R

That sounds about right 🙄

Are you having a good night?

Selena C

Yes!!! But we missss youuuuuuuu

❤️Jane R, Lisa H

Caitlin D

Are you doing anything tonight, Jane?

Jane R

Not tonight!

Away with work again

Cassie B

Boo!!! Can’t you go out with your colleagues??

Jane R

Not really 🤷

I’m sort of their boss in a sense, so I get the feeling I’m sometimes intruding on stuff like that.

Not always! But sometimes.

Caitlin D

Well, they sound stupid and they don’t know what they’re missing out on

Jane R

❤️

Have a great night, girls!

Cassie B

❤️❤️❤️

Cait 🍷

Saturday October 31^st, 10.37pm

Caitlin

Fuck Montreal

Nicole

fuck montreal

Lady Boyle

Monday November 9^th, 11.48am

Ilya

Nicole

I need to flee the country

Lady Boyle

shit fuck

roz, are you ok???

Ilya

Ah fuck, sorry

I forget how the ‘notorious Russian in North America on work visa’ thing looks sometimes

I am just being dramatic! 😃

Lady Boyle

you absolute motherfucker

Ilya

😇

You will forgive me when I tell you why I need to flee the country metaphorically

Lady Boyle

i’m listening…

Ilya

Tara and cheater boyfriend broke up weeks ago!

Lady Boyle

omg

and you know this how?

Ilya

Because she tried to ask me out for dinner this morning

Lady Boyle

what

absolutely what

i don’t know how to process this

how did she think that would go omg

you are literally number one in the national league??

you’re an actual olympian??

Ilya

Turns out her being a total bitch about my handwriting was actually flirting technique

She needs lessons. 💀

In the space of three minutes she had invited me to dinner, told me that I need a mole map but then could not remember the name of her own dermatologist, and asked me how to say her name in Russian

Lady Boyle

oh my god

give me the answer i want, roz

what did you tell her it was

Ilya

The whole situation was very jarring

I panicked and the only thing I could think of was the word for bagel

I can never go back to the fucking rink again

Lady Boyle

[voice note attached, 0:36s]

Ilya

You’re laughing

I have to abandon my Jane and flee from world’s worst boob job and you’re laughing.

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Monday November 9^th, 1.25pm

Nicole B

we have had an outstanding tara update courtesy of mr @Jane R

Lisa H

Why is Roz collecting gossip for us? 😂

Nicole B

he’s my field operative

Cassie B

OMG!

Go on!!

Jane R

Wait, who is Tara?

Caitlin D

Rude bitch receptionist who works at the rink

Nicole B

well, turns out ilya was right and she broke up with her cheater boyfriend

Lisa H

I mean, good for her??

Nicole B

lisa, no!!

you all need to shut up while i get to why roz knows this

Cassie B

🤐

Nicole B

because she tried to fucking ask him out this morning 💀

Selena C

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Cassie B

YOU’RE FUCKING LYING

Caitlin D

I’ve hit the fucking deck oh my god

Jane R

Who is this woman?

Do you have a photo of her?

Caitlin D

Oh honey, you reaaaaaaaaally don’t need to worry 😭

https://instagram.com/prf-s8v34…

Jane R

Yeesh. I guess not

Cassie B

JANE I’M DYING

Nicole B

girls it gets better

apparently she tried to flirt with him by asking what her name was in russian

and he panicked and fucking called her a bagel

Caitlin D

I’m going to piss myself

Lisa H

Stop it!!!!!

Cassie B

I just had to leave the store I’m in to scream

Selena C

I’M DONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Caitlin D

I cannot breathe

If she ever works out what he called her, she’s got no alternative but to pack her bags and move to Antarctica

Imagine shooting your shot with an olympian and he calls you a bagel

Jane R

Imagine shooting your shot with anyone with a boob job like that

Cassie B

JANE

PLEASE

Jane ❤️💦😍

Monday November 9^th, 6.02pm

Jane

Nicole had some interesting gossip about the rink today.

Ilya

Oh?

Ah, yes 😬

I am sorry, my love!

Jane

Oh, baby

It’s not you who needs to worry.

Ilya

No?

Jane

Nope!

But someone needs to tell Tara to keep her hands to her fucking self.

[image attached]

Ilya

Fuck

Holy fuck

Jesus Christ

Shane I am at the gym

Jane

Find a bathroom.

Ilya

God

Going now

Jane

[incoming FaceTime call from Lily]

Ilya

Pick up pick up pick up

Jane

[incoming FaceTime call from Lily]

Call ended.

Duration: 6mins 11secs

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Tuesday November 17^th, 10.05am

Selena C

Okay I need to VENTTTTT

Caitlin D

Everyone saddle up!

Lisa H

Is everything okay, Sel?

Selena C

Nick’s sister is at it again 😡😡😡😡😡😡

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Cassie B

God, what is she up to now

Selena C

I’m just really not sure why she thinks she’s so entitled to treat the entire family like shit??????

Caitlin D

Ergh

What was the fallout from Nick’s dad’s birthday?

Selena C

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

WHICH MAKES IT WORSE!!!

Nicole B

i’m here, locking in

@Jane R for ref, selena’s sister in law is many words that we cannot say because she’s family

Cassie B

And she got waaaay too drunk at Nick’s dad’s 70^th in August and said something about how they invested too much time in Nick’s career (implied that it wasn’t worth the effort, basically)

Selena C

The verbatim quote was “I’m not sure why you threw so much money at him if he was only going to end up playing for Ottawa” 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Jane R

What the fuck?

That is so rude.

Chouinard is a solid player, and Ottawa are having a really good start to the season

Selena C

Right???

But obviously Nick’s parents NEVERRRRRRRRRRRR want to contradict Laurene so everyone just kind of sat there but I saw red and told her that she was out of line

Which NATURALLY made me public enemy number 1 in the Chouinard group chats

Because like??? HOW DARE YOU???

Caitlin D

So what’s she done now?

Selena C

So she’s organized to have some of Nick’s family in California come up to do some kind of US Thanksgiving-y thing crossed with an early Christmas next weekend

(@Jane R, Nick’s family is HUGEEEEE so events are planned in advance)

Added everyone to a new group chat except me and then when Nick mentioned it in the chat, she messaged him privately

[screenshot attached]

Like???????

Cassie B

Oh, that is SO NOT ON!!

What the fuck does she mean “Selena is too conflict forward”???

Selena C

Because I dared to tell her that I wasn’t happy that she was calling MY HUSBAND and HER BROTHER a waste of his parents’ time??????

Nicole B

*redacted*

imagine that’s all the words i want to call her right now

how does nick feel about all this?

Selena C

Ughhhhh

I get that he doesn’t want to start more drama, I DO!!!

But he wouldn’t admit that he was really upset by what she said at dinner

Jane R

He’s also probably upset that his parents didn’t say anything, right?

Selena C

For sureeeee

I’m just so frustrated because ALL it would have taken was for his mom or dad to just tell him that they’re proud of him and that Laurene was in the wrong

BUT NOOOOOOOOO

And now apparently I’m the problem????

Lisa H

That is such garbage, I’m sorry sweetie 😔

Selena C

Thanks, honey

It’s just SO ANNOYINGGGGG

That out of his entire fucking family I am the only one who will defend him to her face???

Cassie B

Nick works so hard, and the boys love him so much!!

Jane R

Ilya was literally saying the other day that he’s really been showing up.

Which he has!

He’s very proud of him.

Selena C

Ugh, Roz is so sweeeet!!

And so are you 💕💕💕💕

Cassie B

Lover boy Rozy strikes again!!!!

Jane R

OH MY GOD

You’re where he got ‘lover boy’ from???

Nicole B

omg

Caitlin D

We apologize for nothing!

He is a SERIOUS lover boy

❤️Selena C

He also refers to us as the “beautiful WAGs of Ottawa” which is a delightful ego boost

Cassie B

Honestly, when we first put him in here to organize your trip away, he kept referring to you as “my Jane” and I about lost my damn mind 😭

Lisa H

It’s almost hilarious how much of a sweetheart he is given his reputation on the ice 🤣

Nicole B

literally

the “russian ice monster” and it’s a man shit talking with an elderly cashier while he buys a seashell lamp at michaels

Jane R

He’s the best 🥰

And that reminds me!

Latest Judith drama: Sandra’s son-in-law WAS having an affair…

And it was with her daughter’s best friend!

Cassie B

😂😂😂😂😂

Nicole B

oh no, how will her candle-making empire ever recover?

😂Lisa H, Selena C, Jane R

Cassie Bood 👸

Thursday November 19^th, 11.27am

Ilya

Cassie!

Please help!!

Cassie

Are you okay, Ilya???

Ilya

Oops

I did this to Nicole as well

I think I need to be less dramatic

Yes, I am fine!

Cassie

You gave me a HEART ATTACK

You menace!!!

Ilya

Sorrryyyy 🥺🥺🥺

Cassie

🙄

What’s up, kiddo?

Ilya

I need help deciding which anniversary to celebrate with my Jane

Complicated timeline, yes?

Which anniversary do I pick?

Cassie

I actually need you to stop 😭

Ilya

First kiss?

First date?

First 🥵💦?

All of them??

Cassie

Have you asked Jane which one she’d like to celebrate?

Maybe that’s the right place to start?

Ilya

But then it will not be a surprise 😔

Cassie

Sweetie 😭😭

Your anniversary doesn’t have to be a surprise!!

Ilya

But then Jane will know when I’m going to spoil her!!

Cassie

Have you considered that maybe Jane would also like to spoil YOU sometimes?

Plus, when you get married you’ll have an easy one to remember 😉

Ilya

That is true!

Cassie

YOU DIDN’T DENY IT YOU DIDN’T DENY IT

Ilya

😉

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday November 27^th, 5.35pm

Cassie B

Godspeed for this weekend, Sel 🫡

Caitlin D

Stay strong!

Selena C

If you hear about me going to prison for murder

KNOW THAT I DID ITTTTT

🗡️Nicole B

Lisa H

How many are you up against, @Selena C?

Selena C

15 of them 🥴🥴🥴🥴

Nicole B

jesus

if i had to meet 15 of josh’s family at once i think i’d die

Selena C

RIGHT???

Distract me pleassssssssssssee

What are you all doing this weekend???

Cassie B

I’m trying that new hot yoga place tomorrow! A couple of the girls from my psych course are dragging me along 😅

Caitlin D

How DARE you have friends that are not us!

I’m spending my weekend convincing Evan that we need to redecorate the kitchen 😈

Nicole B

you just want an excuse to buy the meatballs from ikea

Caitlin D

I am who I am

😂Jane R

Nicole B

pulling some overtime this weekend

josh and i are still planning that trip to mexico next summer so mama needs to start saving some cash!

Caitlin D

Stop spending hundreds of dollars on ASOS

There’s a start!

Nicole B

don’t hate me because my ass looks great in all my sexy new clothes

Cassie B

Your ass would look great in a garbage bag 🤪

I need to know how a woman who eats as much ramen as you do could bounce a penny off it

Lisa H

I’m convinced she’s lying and is actually a salad enthusiast 🤨

Nicole B

don’t slander me like that

Jane R

Salads can be nice!

I’ll send you some recipes!

Cassie B

Ah yesss!! Ilya told us you’re a titan of health, Jane 💪

Please give me some tips on how to get an ass like Nicole’s

Jane R

Well, I haven’t seen Nicole’s ass…

Nicole B

[image attached]

🔥Selena C, Caitlin D

Jane R

Okay, I’m with the girls.

How the HELL do you have an ass like that if you don’t eat vegetables?

Nicole B

raw sexual magnetism and sheer force of will

Selena C

@Lisa H, are you working this weekend??

Lisa H

Yep!

That awful consultant is away though, so I might get some blessed peace 🙏

Caitlin D

You literally work in a hospital??

Lisa H

Peace is relative!!

@Jane R, any plans?

Jane R

I have to work late tonight.

But then Ilya & I are going to spend the weekend with my parents

Selena C

OMG cute!!!!

Do the in-laws like him 👀👀👀👀👀

Jane R

Way too much 🙄

Keep a secret?

Cassie B

Always!

Jane R

Ilya & my dad usually spend the weekend doing puzzles.

🫣

Nicole B

oh my god

it is actually criminal of you to provide this information when we can’t use it

Caitlin D

I think this might have actually surpassed lover boy territory

Cassie B

Final boss of loverboydom 😭

🥰Jane R

Cait 🍷

Friday November 27^th, 5.59pm

Caitlin

Do we think this means he’s in town??

Nicole

ahhh probably!

but also, guess what

Caitlin

What

Nicole

he thinks i have a nice ass!!!!!

Caitlin

19yo me would have killed you in a jealous rage

Jane ❤️💦😍

Saturday November 28^th, 1.33pm

Jane

Hey baby ❤️

Mom wants to know what we need to pick from the store for dinner!

What do you guys want?

Ilya

[incoming voice call from Jane]

Jane

Ilya?

Baby?

Ilya

[incoming voice call from Jane]

Ah, damn

Sorry my love!

David & I have been stuck on the fucking sky for an hour

1000 pieces and 999 of them are fucking blue

Jane

😂

Mom wants to know if you want any ice cream?

Ilya

Fuck yes

David says can he please have that IPA he likes from the microbrewery?

Jane

Already got it!

Also picked up some short rib from the butcher.

Fancy doing one of Bood’s recipes?

Ilya

Only if you admit that it turns you on when I cook 😏

Jane

We are literally spending the night in my parents’ guest room!

Ilya

That was not a nooooo!

Jane

Goddammit

Ilya, baby 🥰

Please will you cook your delicious food for my mom & dad who love you very much? 🥰

Ilya

That was a cheap tactic and you know it

But yes

Also get asparagus

❤️

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Tuesday December 1^st, 8.36am

Nicole B

the bells

do you hear them

it sounds like…

christmas!

Caitlin D

You are so weird about Christmas

Nicole B

jingle jangle bitch

Lisa H

FINALLY!

Festive Nicole has entered the chat 🎅

Cassie B

HO HO HO

@Jane R, Nicole is randomly really obsessed with Christmas

When is the tree going up this year, Nic?

Nicole B

thursday 😈

Caitlin D

TOO EARLY

Nicole B

where is your christmas spirit, dykstra

Caitlin D

It will arrive two weeks before, like every other normal person

Selena C

THE WINE IS MULLINGGGGGG

💃Nicole B

Jane R

Ilya is VERY excited for Christmas!

He’s planning on dressing up as Santa when the team next go to the children’s ward 🤭

Ah fuck, that was supposed to be a surprise

Cassie B

Secrecy pact!

👍Nicole B, Caitlin D, Selena C, Lisa H

Jane R

???

Cassie B

It’s just a thing we do, Jane!

If anyone ever tells us anything in confidence, we make a secrecy pact which means that no one tells anyone

Including the husbands!

Jane R

That’s really sweet of you all.

Yes, secrecy pact please!

Nicole B

a done deal, janey

the wags ride together

Caitlin D

We sure do

Nicole B

in a sleigh!!!

👎Caitlin D

Lisa H

Nic, please tell me you’re bringing your ginger snaps to Wine Friday tomorrow…

🤤Selena C

Nicole B

the dough is chilling in the fridge as we speak

Selena C

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Cassie B

Fuck yes

@Jane R, I hope we can get you to a Wine Friday one day ❤️

Jane R

I’d really like that.

Fuck, I’m sorry

Caitlin D

What in the hell are you apologizing for??

Jane R

It’s complicated

I feel like Ilya maybe went into it a little?

Before, when he was talking to you all?

Lisa H

All he told us is that you both have to be pretty private

Which we understand!!

Cassie B

We didn’t ask him to share anything he wasn’t willing to

And we won’t ask anything of you either!

Sorry, I feel like I made it weird 😭

We all just really love you!!

❤️Selena C, Lisa H, Caitlin D

Nicole B

i’m treasurer of the jane r fanclub

Caitlin D

Whenever you’re ready to hang out, there is a crisp glass of pinot awaiting you!

But never any pressure from us

Jane R

You’re all so lovely.

Ilya said you would be, but fucking hell

I promise I mean it when I say that I really, really want that too

❤️Cassie B, Caitlin D, Lisa H, Nicole B, Selena C

Jane ❤️💦😍

Tuesday December 1^st, 9.45am

Jane

I feel like I’m lying to the girls

Ilya

Sweetheart!

You are not

What has happened?

Jane

It’s going to sound stupid

Ilya

Stop that

You are never stupid

Jane

Every single time they meet up, they invite me even when they know I’m going to say no

They haven’t even seen my fucking face but they say they love me

They send me photos from your parties and tell me they missed having me there

They explain all their in-jokes and family dramas so that I feel involved

They are the sweetest, craziest women

And they don’t even know my fucking name

Ilya

I am sorry, my love

Did we make a mistake?

Should we have waited longer?

Jane

No!

I still want all of this, I swear

I just don’t think I expected this?

Just this like, total acceptance

Maybe I just feel like I haven’t earned it?

Ilya

You do not have to earn your place anywhere, Shane

Yes, you are using fake name in the chat and maybe you are not telling them that you are the best hockey player in the world

But it is you that they love

Jane

I’m really tired of this, baby

Ilya

Me too

Jane

I really want to get to know them

I want to go to Wine Fridays and drink pinot grigio I know I won’t like

And I want to go to your team BBQs and watch you try and fight Zane for control of the grill

God

Ilya

We will get there, I promise

I love you

Jane

I fucking love you

Jane R

Tuesday December 1^st, 1.37pm

Cassie

Hey!

Sorry for the private message

I just really wanted to apologize for earlier

I promise that I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad or pressured or anything!

Jane R

Hey, Cass 👋

It’s really okay!

You don’t have to apologize, it’s sweet of you to invite me

And I really am sorry that this is so weird.

Cassie

No, honey!

You never have to apologize for wanting your privacy, ever

I’m sorry if it’s felt like I’m intruding at all

Jane R

It hasn’t!

There’s just some stuff going on

To tell you the truth, I was super nervous to join you girls.

Without going into too much detail, there’s a lot that Ilya and I have to protect

I’m still a little scared, I guess

Cassie

I get that

Ilya told us that you were worried when he moved from Boston?

Jane R

Yeah, I was.

He gave up so much for this, you know?

His whole life, really

And I was really worried that he wouldn’t be able to find a place that would make all of this worth it

Cassie

I’m sure you know this

But this team, and all of us

We fucking adore him, Jane

Jane R

I know, and I’m so grateful for it. ❤️

Cassie

When Zane and I first moved here, it felt like there was no community

I knew some of the other wives, but everyone just kind of existed separately?

And Z and I just thought like, fuck, there has to be something for us here, you know?

So we started doing these BBQs and inviting everyone

I made every chat under the sun and literally ran my mouth continually 👀

And as the guys started transferring in, we just built this little family

And then when Ilya arrived, Z and I just knew that we wanted him to feel like part of it

Jane R

He loves you all so much

I think I was a little bit jealous of it, in truth.

Cassie

Really?

Jane R

Yeah. I have some friends where I am, some really good ones

But fuck

I think I realized that I was living my life outside of his world?

This great world full of great people

Cassie

I feel like I need to just say it one more time, so forgive me

But Jane, you are part of this world!

We all absolutely lost it when Ilya gave me your number 😂

We knew we’d be crazy for you because of how much he loves you, but oh my god!!

And there is no timeline for when you meet us, but please just know that we will all be so happy when you do ❤️

Jane R

Fucking hell

Secrecy pact?

Cassie

If the secret is that you’re crying, same

🤐Jane R

Okay, enough of this

I need to send you a suggestion for a Christmas present for Z & Roz!!

[image attached]

https://www.customprinti…

Jane R

Oh my GOD

YES.

They are both going to lose it

Cassie

It literally came up on my feed the other day and I knew I had to send it to you!! 😂

Jane R

We’re buying them.

And I will be requiring a photo when they wear them together!

Cassie

You know full well that both of them will try to do some kind of ‘chefs in the buff’ photoshoot with them on 🥴

Jane R

...I might need those photos as well.

😂Cassie

What is my life, I’m buying Ilya Rozanov a personalized apron for Christmas 🙃

😂Cassie

Bood 🥵🏒

Sunday December 6^th, 4.23pm

Bood

king

consider your high score on sonic CRACKED

Ilya

You are a liar

Bood

am not

[image attached]

Ilya

FUCK!!

I will not stand for this

Are you free tonight?

Bood

not if you’re going to come over here and be a little bitch about it

Ilya

I am not a little bitch

Not once in my life have I ever been a little bitch

Bood

little bitch says what?

Ilya

What?

I do not get that one

Wait 😐

Wow

Tricking a man when English is not his first language to get a win

Low blow, Boody

Bood

never said i was a man of integrity

you ok?

been quiet lately

Ilya

Ahh

I am okay

Missing my Jane a lot, I think

Bood

ah man, i’m sorry

when’s she over next?

Ilya

Soon, probably?

Bood

yessss!

need help planning the next romantic meal?

got some really good snacks saved on the boards

Ilya

My prince

I am the snack 😏

Bood

booooooooooooooo!!

Ilya

😘

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday December 11^th, 8.26pm

Jane R

[image attached]

@Nicole B, is this festive enough for you?

Nicole B

janey, never have i seen a more beautiful christmas tree in all my life

Caitlin D

Okay, GODDAMN interior design 🥵

Lisa H

Jane, is that your apartment?? God, it’s gorgeous 🫨

Selena C

I LOVE ITTTTTTTTT

Jane R

Haha, yeah

First time I’ve ever decorated it for Christmas!

Cassie B

WHAT???

Jane R

I usually travel so much that it didn’t seem worth it.

But I couldn’t let @Nicole B down this year!

Plus, I facetimed Ilya last night and he referred to the apartment as a “tragic Grinch dungeon” 🙄

😂Cassie B

Nicole B

my baby is all grown up 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲

Lisa H

Jane, it looks great!!

Caitlin D

@Nicole B approximately how close are you to vomiting up mulled wine tonight?

Nicole B

mind your business

😂Selena C, Lisa H, Jane R

Cassie B

Sel, what’s the verdict on Christmas?

Selena C

DRUM ROLL PLEASEEEEEEE

Caitlin D

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Selena C

WE ARE WITH MY PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa H

Hell yeah!!!

Cassie B

We LOVE to hear it

Nicole B

fuck laurene!!!!

Cassie B

NIC!!

Selena C

Honestly, Cass

SHE’S RIGHT

FUCK LAURENEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

🖕Jane R

Cait 🍷

Friday December 11^th, 8.37pm

Nicole

drunk and crying over him sending a photo of his apartment

Caitlin

Fucking hell

I love this man so much

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Tuesday December 15^th, 12.43pm

Caitlin D

Show of hands, who wants me to quit my job before Christmas?

🤚Selena C, Cassie B, Nicole B, Jane R, Lisa H

I’m so over this

Cassie B

Cait, you’re so good at what you do 💕

You’re going to walk into another job!!

Caitlin D

I just literally cannot put up with his shit anymore

Nicole B

what did he do now?

Caitlin D

So I’m heading to Evan’s family’s place for Christmas, right?

Had it in the diary for months, literally since September

I shit you not, he tries to cancel my PTO today so that I can “potentially be available” for a scoping call with a new client

Jane R

So it’s not even confirmed??

That’s ridiculous.

Caitlin D

I KNOW!

I want to leave so badly, but fuck I don’t want Evan to feel like it’s all on him while I’m job hunting

Lisa H

He wants you to be happy, honey!

Selena C

Literallyyyyy!! He will support it, you know he will!!

Caitlin D

I know he will, he’s the fucking best 😩

But I don’t even know how I’d go about getting out of this crazy contract they have me in, it’s too complicated for ME to get and I’m literally in law???

Jane R

I might be able to help there...

My mom works a lot with employment contracts

I can ask her to take a look?

Caitlin D

Omg, would that be okay?? I literally feel so fucking out of my depth here

Thank you!

Jane R

Not a problem

Send me a message with it tomorrow and I’ll ask her to read it through!

❤️Caitlin D

Nicole B

domestic goddess, interior decorator, well-connected business bitch

jane, is there anything you can’t do?

Jane R

Dance.

😂Cassie B, Lisa H, Selena C

Lady Boyle

Saturday December 19^th, 2.21pm

Lady Boyle

she is wearing a mrs claus outfit

i repeat

she is wearing!

a mrs claus outfit!

Ilya

Is she???

Jesus Christ

I did not think the aim of Christmas was to upset as many people as possible

This does not feel very festive 😬

Lady Boyle

hang on, how have you not seen this??

didn’t you literally train this morning before the game?

Ilya

I have been going in the back entrance since I called her a bagel

👀

Lady Boyle

oh my god

rozy, you literally always know how to make my day better

Ilya

I am always happy to help my partner in crime 😈

Lady Boyle

😈

good luck out there later!

please try to stop josh getting smacked in the face too many times

his dentist doesn’t need another timeshare

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Monday December 21^st, 11.08am

Cassie B

OKAY

Final Christmas drinks roll call!

✅Nicole B, Caitlin D

8pm sharp 💥

Z is making slow-cooked turkey rolls!

With a honey mustard glaze 😏

Nicole B

just read this out loud and josh genuinely made his orgasm face

Caitlin D

Nicole, you have 12 hours to get this out of your system before you’re in polite company

Nicole B

polite company? in this town?

i think the fuck not

😂Selena C

Selena C

We’re there, Cassss!!

Plus, I’ve got a shitload of beer that’s taking up prime Christmas fridge real estate!!!!

Cassie B

You are an ANGEL!

Lisa H

Girls…

TWO will be joining from the Hayes household tonight!

Caitlin D

HOLY SHIT

YOU’RE NOT ON SHIFT?

Lisa H

Nope!!

God I am so excited to see you girls 💕

Jane R

I’m sorry, I can’t make it.

Work stuff again

But Cass, maybe keep an ear open for the doorbell this evening?

Cassie B

JANE

What did you do???

Jane R

🤫

Lisa H

@Jane R, are you and Roz together for Christmas??

Jane R

Yes! I get in on the 24^th

We’re spending it with my parents this year.

I’m so excited

Cassie B

😭😭😭😭😭😭

Is it your first proper one together??

Jane R

I guess?

We sort of snatched a couple of days last year, but it was quite difficult with work

And this is the first one with my parents!

Caitlin D

I’m going to bet a million dollars that Roz has been losing his mind over what to get them?

Jane R

100%

He’s been torn between 2 sweaters for my dad for the last fortnight.

It’s so fucking cute 🥰

Nicole B

ladies

i know roz isn’t in the chat, but it feels fitting that we do this in his honour

Caitlin D

LOVER BOY

Lisa H

Lover boy! 🥰

Selena C

LOVER BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Cassie B

Lover boy 😭

Jane R

Just sent him a screenshot.

His reply:

“Please remind the beautiful WAGs of Ottawa that I have NHL record for most fights on ice”

😂Cassie B, Selena C

Nicole B

little did they know they were fighting a teeny tiny little teacup dog in the body of a russian

😂Jane R

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Monday December 21^st, 8.29pm

Cassie B

JANE

FOR FUCK’S SAKE

Jane R

Did it arrive?

Cassie B

YOU MEAN A LITERAL CRATE OF WINE?

YES IT ARRIVED!!!

Jane R

I’m glad!

Nicole B

oh my god we are getting fucked up toniiiiggghhht

Caitlin D

If I don’t make it home alive, tell the WAG chat that I loev them

Jane R

You’re in the WAG chat

Caitlin D

Fcuk

💀Lisa H, Selena C

Jane R

😂

Have a great night, girls ❤️

Cassie B

[image attached]

We love you!!!!

❤️Jane R

Jane ❤️💦😍

Friday December 25^th, 00.00am

Ilya

Merry Christmas, my love

You look so beautiful asleep

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday December 25^th, 10.05am

Ilya

Fucking and telling once again 😏

Bood

hell yeah

a special festive edition coming your way

🎁🎄🔔 GET SOMEEE 🎁🎄🔔

Ilya

😂

Merry Christmas, my beautiful Bood!!

❤️ you

Bood

happy christmas, son

❤️ you

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday December 25^th, 11.01am

Nicole B

merry christmas you sexy little bitches

Caitlin D

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Evan said 10am was the right time for mimosas

[image attached]

Selena C

MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

[image attached]

Lisa H

Merry Christmas, girls!

Cassie B

Merry Christmas, lovely ladies ❤️

Jane R

Merry Christmas!

[image attached]

Ilya says merry Christmas too!

Nicole B

oh my god

does that jumper have anya’s face on it??

Jane R

Yup.

Gift from my mom!

He’s declared several times that he will “wear it until he is dead”

Caitlin D

I really don’t think he’s lying, either

😂Nicole B, Cassie B

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday January 1^st, 00:01am

Cassie B

HAPPY NEW YEAR JANE!!!!!

[image attached]

Caitlin D

WE LUV YA

Selena C

LOVE YOU JANEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

❤️ Lisa H

Lisa H

Happy new year, Jane!!

Nicole B

kissing you on the mouth from afar, janey 💕

Jane R

Happy new yaer, girls!!!

Nicole B

omg

please tell me this is tipsy jane

Jane R

A little 👀

Caitlin D

YESSSSSS

We knew there was a Wine Friday gremlin living in you somewhere!!!

😂Jane R

Cassie B

😂

Have you and Ilya had a good night, Jane??

Jane R

Ugh, the bestttt

Cassie B

You deserve it, honey!

Jane R

Please apologize to Bood for me for stealing his man tonight!!

😂Cassie B, Caitlin D, Selena C

About to steal him again

Nicole B

omg tipsy jane and slutty jane!

in one night!

god my year is off to a good start

Jane R

🙈

Enjoy your party, ladies!!

Love you all

Cait 🍷

Friday January 1^st, 00:12am

Nicole

did he just tell us he loved us

before he went upstairs to fuck ilya rozanov

Caitlin

😭😭😭😭😭

HE LOVES US

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday January 1^st, 2:18am

Bood

happy new year, my king 👑

Ilya

Happy new year, my prince!

How was the party? 🕺

Bood

we missed you

but it was great

how was your night with jane?

Ilya

I think I want to do this forever

Bood

that’s the great thing about being in love, darling

you can

Ilya

Did you read that on the back of a candy bar?

One of those tiny sweeties with the messages on it?

Bood

fuck off man 😭

Ilya

I am kidding!

I am so excited for you to meet Jane one day

Bood

me too, rozy

sleep tight

❤️Ilya

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday January 8^th, 3.45pm

Selena C

AND THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE BITCHESSSSSSS

Nicole B

what the fuck is in the water in tampa

Caitlin D

LET’S FUCKING GO

Cassie B

I literally spilled a full glass of wine on the couch!!!

Ah shit, what was your tip again, @Jane R?

Jane R

Baking soda!

The game was amazing.

Maybe the best they’ve ever played?

Lisa H

100%!

Jane ❤️💦😍

Saturday January 8^th, 4.10pm

Jane

You played great, baby ❤️

Ilya

Thank you, my love

You will show me just how proud you are later, yes? 😏

Jane

I think I can arrange something...

Ilya

Fuck yes

Now and go win the fuck out of your game so that I can repay the favour

🥵

Jane

I intend to 😏

Text me when you land?

Ilya

Always

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Saturday January 8^th, 7.12pm

Caitlin D

Has anyone heard from the boys?

Nicole B

was just coming on to ask the same thing

Cassie B

Nothing from Z?

Selena C

Not yet???

Lisa H

Wyatt’s not picking up?

Cassie B

@Jane R, have you heard from Roz?

Nicole B

oh my god

Cassie B

Nicole B

someone needs to get hold of their husband right fucking now

Selena C

Nic????

Nicole B

i’m not fucking about

call them right now until they pick up

Caitlin D

Nic what the fuck are you talking about

Cassie B

Oh my fucking god

You need to call your husbands

@Jane R please text when you get this

Selena C

Oh my god

Lisa H

He’s not picking up

Cassie B

All of you

Call them now

@Jane R

Jane R

Saturday January 8^th, 7.57pm

Cassie

Jane

I need you to pick up your phone

Jane please I’m begging you to pick up your phone when you get this

Jane please

Jane R

[incoming voice call from Cassie Boodram]

Cassie

I don’t know what you’re doing but I really need you to pick up your phone

Call me text me whatever please

Jane R

[incoming voice call from Cassie Boodram]

Cassie

Oh fuck

I do know what you’re doing

Jane please when you get this

Don’t look online, okay?

Just come straight to this chat and talk to me first

Okay?

Jane R

Cassie?

Are you okay?

Cassie

THANK FUCK

Okay don’t go online don’t look at anything

They’re fine

Jane R

Sorry, work is going crazy – one second

Cassie

NO JANE PLEASE TALK TO ME FIRST

Jane R

Oh my god

Fuck

Cassie

What the fuck is going on

Cassie

THEY’RE OKAY

NO ONE IS HURT

Jane R

Cassie

What the fuck am I doing here

He’s there and I didn’t fucking know

I didn’t

Cassie

Jane please, honey

I need you to take a beat and listen to me

Ilya is FINE

The whole team is FINE

Jane R

Oh ym fucking god

He sent me messages

I’m going to throw up

Cassie

Fuck

Sweetie, I need you to listen to what I’m telling you

He’s okay!!!

He’s safe, he’s heading to the hotel with Bood!!

Jane R

he’s not fucking picking up why isn’t he picking up

Cassie

You’re not reading my texts, Jane

Read them

Read them now and tell me what they say

Do it

Jane R

Cassie

Cassie

Stop for a minute please Jane

And do what I told you

Read my texts back to me

Jane R

he’s okay

Cassie

Yes

Jane R

he’s going to the hotel with Bood

but why isn’t he picking up his fucking phone

Cassie

It broke on the plane, honey

He doesn’t even know where it is!!

But he is completely safe, I promise you

Jane R

The messages he sent me Cassie

The fucking messages

like he was going to

Cassie

I need to know you’re okay

Jane R

I’m going to pass out

[incoming voice call from Cassie Boodram]

I can’t pick up Cassie I can’t pick up

Fuck oh my god

Cassie

You can, sweetheart

Surely you know after all these months that you can?

Please pick up your phone and talk to me

Jane R

[incoming voice call from Cassie Boodram]

oh my god I need to get there

I haev to go

Cassie

Fuck you can’t go to Tampa

Fucking shit

God

When this is over you are coming to mine for dinner so I can apologise in person for this

But I need to make you hear me, okay?

I need to speak to you so that you can listen to what I’m saying

Fuck

Jane R

i can’t breathe

[incoming voice call from Cassie Boodram]

Cassie

Cassie

Shane Hollander

Pick up your fucking phone so that I can tell you that your boyfriend is alive

Jane R

[incoming voice call from Cassie Boodram]

Call ended.

Duration: 9mins 13secs

Zane 💕

Saturday January 8^th, 8.44pm

Cassie

Z, I need you to give Roz your phone

Tell him to go upstairs!

Jane needs to call him, I’ve given her your number

I’m sorry baby, she needs to hear him

I love you

Zane

love you baby

fuck i love you

giving him the phone now

Jane R

Monday January 10^th, 9.01am

Jane R

Hey

Cassie

I’m so sorry

Fuck I’m so so sorry

Jane R

You don’t need to apologise

How long have you known?

Cassie

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever definitely known

But I’ve suspected for a while

And I’m so sorry but I was so worried about you and I needed you to hear me

Shit

Jane R

Cassie, it’s alright.

Is it weird that I kind of feel… relieved?

I don’t know

I’ve just been thinking about it a lot

If no one knew, no one would have known to tell me

If he hadn’t

Fuck

Cassie

Are you both okay?

Is Ilya mad at me?

Jane R

No! Neither of us are mad at you.

And we’re okay

We’re just trying to figure this whole thing out

Cassie

I’m so sorry, sweetie

You know you can trust me, right?

I haven’t said anything to anyone

Haven’t said anything to Z, or messaged the chat

Not that I think anyone really knows what to say since Saturday

Jane R

Fuck, the girls

Do they know?

Cassie

They suspect, like I did

Jane R

Shit

Cassie

Nothing any of us have said to you has been a lie

We love you! SO MUCH

We never wanted to say anything until you told us for sure, said we never would

But I panicked on Saturday

Fucking hell, I’m so sorry

Jane R

I’ve told you that it’s okay.

I needed to hear you tell me that he was safe

And you were right, it was too risky for me to go to Tampa.

Also, I didn’t thank you for getting Zane to give Ilya his phone

So thank you, for that.

Cassie

Will you come over for dinner?

When you’re ready to?

I really, really want to meet you in person

Jane R

Yes. Maybe not right away?

But soon

Because I’d like that as well.

Cassie

Okay! Okay, great

Jesus, I feel like I’ve run 18 marathons in the last 48 hours

Jane R

Christ, I didn’t even fucking think

Is Zane okay? Are you?

Sorry, terrible fucking friend over here

Cassie

You’ve had bigger fish to fry, sweetie

But yes, we’re fine – thank you

He scared the absolute hell out of me though, the bastard

Jane R

This whole ‘being in love with a man’ thing is fucking stressful.

Cassie

Shit, tell me about it

Jane R

Keep a secret?

Cassie

Always!

Jane R

I tracked their plane back the whole way home.

Sat on FlightRadar for hours.

Don’t think I blinked.

Cassie

Oh baby, I bought the pro subscription

I’ll send you my login details so you can use it!

Jane R

I’m probably good to drop the $70 on a subscription, Cass 😂

Cassie

HA, I guess you are 🫠

You’re going to be okay, right? Both of you?

All of us?

Jane R

Yes. We’re going to be fine

I have a lot to think about, but it’s all going to be okay

And one more thing?

Cassie

Yeah?

Jane R

Before we get dinner, I’m ordering you another crate of wine.

Cassie

Oh my god, my mother-in-law is definitely going to think I’m an alcoholic 😩

Bood 🥵🏒

Monday January 10^th, 12.52pm

Bood

how’s my head bitch in charge

Ilya

All okay

Feels odd, yes?

How is my beautiful prince? ❤️

Bood

hanging in there

cooking the most beautiful brisket you’ve ever seen in your life

ZB🔥 shared a link with you on Pinterest! https://www.pinter…

Ilya

My darling Bood

If that is not in my mouth within the next 12 hours

I will find another shitty plane to get on

Bood

too soon man 😩

Ilya

My Jane agrees

She just read that over my shoulder and smacked me in the face

Bood

knew she was a smart one

she ok?

Ilya

Yes, we are fine

She has already said thank you to Cassie, but thank you for giving me your phone on Thursday

I do not think either of us knew how much we needed to hear each other

Bood

rozy babe

why do you think i shot off like my ass was on fire the second we touched tarmac

end of the world all i want to hear is cassie’s voice

Ilya

Lover boy!!

But yes

Felt like I breathed properly again after I spoke to Jane

Bood

rozy and jaaaaaane

sitting in the treeeeeeeeeeee

Ilya

F-U-C-K-I-N-G!

Bood

moment killer

Ilya

😈

Bood

want to know what i think?

Ilya

Quite literally always

Bood

you’re gonna marry jane

Ilya

Yes

I think I probably am

💕

Lady Boyle

Monday January 10^th, 4.46pm

Lady Boyle

can’t believe tara tried to take you out like that

Ilya

I knew she was a total bitch

But even for her this was low

👀

Lady Boyle

you doing okay?

we haven’t heard from jane

Ilya

Yes, all good and Jane is okay too

Are you?

How is Boyle’s neck?

Lady Boyle

craned round from staring at my ass all day in these new jeans 😏

yeah, he’s fine

we both are

Ilya

I am going to convince Bood that we need the world’s biggest BBQ

I do not care that it is January and we will all freeze

Lady Boyle

by ‘convince bood’ i assume you mean just whispering the word ‘barbecue’ into the air

and then he’ll pull out the 75 steaks he keeps in the chest freezer

Ilya

Yes! Exactly

Would you care to get wasted with me? 🕺

Lady Boyle

roz, it would be my genuine fucking pleasure

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday January 12^th, 1.14pm

Nicole B

pretend this is a really smooth and suave ice breaker

Caitlin D

Beautiful job, no notes

Cassie B

Where do we even fucking start, girls

Lisa H

@Nicole B is Josh okay now? Let me know if you want me to come over and take a look at him?

Nicole B

honestly, it’s like it never happened already

the man is made of kevlar

but thank you ❤️

Caitlin D

@Selena C, all okay?

Selena C

Yes! All fineeeee

Nicole B

did anyone manage to get hold of @Jane R?

Cassie B

They’re both fine

Lisa H

Okay great! We were worried about you Jane, hope you’re okay ❤️

❤️Selena C

Jane R

Caitlin D

Omg hi babe

Is everything okay?

Are you and Ilya good?

Jane R

Yes, we’re both fine

Is everyone else all good?

👍Caitlin D, Nicole B, Selena C, Lisa H, Cassie B

Sorry I went AWOL

Lisa H

It’s okay, sweetie! We were just worried about you ❤️

Nicole B

how long did it take for you to get cassie’s messages?

Jane R

She called me.

Caitlin D

Wait, what?

@Cassie B

Nicole B

what

Jane R

Cass, it’s fine

Tell them.

Cassie B

He knows we know

Lisa H

Oh my god

Caitlin D

Erm, holy fuck

Nicole B

@Jane R are you okay?

Jane R

I’m okay, Nic

It’s been an insane fucking few days

Selena C

I don’t even know what to say

Nicole B

does roz know that we know?

Jane R

Yes.

Nicole B

how was he about it?

Jane R

Calmer than I thought he’d be.

He trusts you girls

And so do I

❤️Selena C, Caitlin D, Cassie B, Nicole B, Lisa H

Cassie B

Do you have any questions for us?

Jane R

Oh, a million

But I feel like that can wait for a second, right?

Actually, maybe I have one

Caitlin D

Shoot

Jane R

Did you all suspect from the start?

Nicole B

truthfully, yes

but we swore that we’d wait for you both

Jane R

So you’ve been fine with it from the beginning?

Caitlin D

What?

I’m confused

Jane R

Me and Ilya.

If you knew from the start

Nicole B

@Jane R, i love these girls so much

but i would beat any single one of them to death if i thought there was even a hint they wouldn’t be fine with it

Lisa H

What she said!

Selena C

Ditto!

Cassie B

We weren’t lying when we said love you, babe

Jane R

Fucking hell

Okay, okay

Fuck, I love you all

Is that weird?

Caitlin D

NONE OF IT IS WEIRD

WE LOVE YOU

❤️Selena C, Lisa H, Cassie B, Nicole B

Nicole B

in retrospect, do you know what is weird

i sent you a photo of my ass

Selena C

Oh my GOD NICOLE!!!!

Jane R

In your defence, you do have a fantastic ass

It deserves to be shared.

🙏Nicole B

Caitlin D

Does this mean we’ll get you at a Wine Friday soon? 🍷

It’s always strictly no husbands allowed

Jane R

I want to!

I need to look at some scheduling.

The season, and all that

Nicole B

“the season and all that” he says

😂Cassie B

Lisa H

Are you really alright, honey?

Jane R

I really am.

Ilya and I have talked a lot

And I’ve got, I don’t know...

A whole lot of perspective, I guess?

Selena C

We’re so glad honey!!!

Cassie B

Goes without saying btw, but

SECRECY PACT

🫶Caitlin D, Lisa H, Nicole B, Selena C

Jane R

❤️

Nicole B

i’d like to return to this perspective of which you speak

Caitlin D

Oh damn, I didn’t realize it was Nicole’s turn with the group brain cell

😂Lisa H, Selena C

Cassie B

Excellent spot, Boyle

Care to explain, @Jane R?

Jane R

Well, shit.

I mean, I was hoping to go away and look at my diary

So that I could pencil in a Wine Friday to ask you in person

But I guess this group chat is as good a place as any…

Selena C

????????

Jane R

[image attached]

I hear you’re the girls to talk to about planning a romantic surprise? 💍

Chapter End Notes

authors notes:
nicole b became a part of my soul while i wrote this, i wish she was my best friend
ilya rozanov i would die 10 million times for you
there are a few more povs in this which meant it was a serious fucking labour of love, but i could not let my texts with the prince of russia go
it's a longer span of time because i knew what i wanted my last line to be, it was just working out how to get there - i've played fast & loose with some of the events of tlg, please forgive me xx

finally thank you thank you thank you again i felt a joy writing this i haven't in years

11.04: fucking hell wow hi i am sort of incredibly blown away by all the comments!!! thank you thank you thank you is literally all i can say. i have felt so much joy writing this, and it is a such an unexpected treat that it seems like you guys have had fun as well. i haven't written anything in years and tbh sort of thought this part of my brain had died in my 30s so wow wow and thank you again <3

Chapter 5: Bonus: Wine Friday

Chapter Summary

Shane's first Wine Friday with the WAGs.

Chapter Notes

look, i couldn't let this go just yet. trying my hand at proper prose for the first time in yonks - please be nice! i love these women and i love shane hollander. expect some feelings and some resolutions, and hopefully a taste of the silliness you've come to expect from this story. <3

See the end of the chapter for more notes

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Wednesday February 2^nd, 6.44pm

Selena C

T-MINUS 48 HOURSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Cassie B

The wine? CHILLING

The patio cushions? FLUFFED

Bood? GOING TO HAZY’S

Nicole B

you better be pausing the diet @Jane R because i have made a cheesecake the size of a gong

Lisa H

Pleaseee tell me it’s the lemon curd? 🙏

Nicole B

you bet your glorious rack it is

🤤Selena C

Jane R

Diet will be paused, and I’m not training until Sunday!

Caitlin D

Excellent 😈

Jane R

Are you sure I can’t bring anything?

I could pick up dinner?

Nicole B

don’t threaten us with quinoa

😂Lisa H

Cassie B

We’re covered, honey!

I sweet talked Bood into doing a wing platter on the grill before he leaves 😏

Nicole B

and exactly how much talking was involved in that

Caitlin D

In what universe does Bood need a bang in order to be convinced to get on the grill?

Cassie B

The favours are usually more to get him away from it 👀

Nicole B

you should start leaving a sexy trail of smoked meats leading towards the bedroom

😂Selena C, Jane R

Cassie B

You laugh, but I could see it working

The man will not stop fucking eating!!

Lisa H

The mid-season fridge is insane 😩

Caitlin D

@Selena C I can’t even imagine what Nicky 5 Plates is like right now

Selena C

I can’t talk about ittttttttttt

IF I SEE ANOTHER PORK CHOP I’M MOVING TO THE MOON

Jane R

I feel like I have to jump in and defend them here...

Caitlin D

BOOOOOO!

NO STINKY BOY SOLIDARITY

👏Selena C

Jane R

Fine

I’m sorry we all eat so much!

Nicole B

why do you think i doubled up on the cheesecake, bub

i’ve made you a spare one to take back for roz too because i am not dealing with that man whining at me

Jane R

That was absolutely the right move

He’ll smell it on me like a bloodhound.

And thank you!

❤️Nicole B

Cassie B

@Jane R, is he still mad we didn’t invite him?

Jane R

Nope, he’s trying flattery now.

Told me to tell you all that your hair looks beautiful today

“My love, tell the WAGs and then maybe they will invite me to Wine Friday?”

😭Lisa H, Selena C

Caitlin D

He is not playing fair

We already give him BBQ gossip privileges!!

Jane R

Warning you in all advance that he’s playing taxi so I can drink

And he WILL try and come in!

Nicole B

*whipcrack*

Jane R

😏

Cassie B

We must stay strong!

Caitlin D

If he brings Anya in the car, he’s declaring psychological war

I can’t resist that girl!

Jane R

Fuck, he’s definitely going to try that.

Maybe I can convince Mom to take her for the night

Lisa H

Okay, I’m interrupting with the big question!

Am I bringing the binder??? 💍💍💍

Selena C

BRING THE BINDER BRING THE BINDER

Nicole B

yessssssss

Caitlin D

@Jane R?

Jane R

Fuck yes

Bring it!

🎉Lisa H, Cassie B, Selena C

Cassie Bood 👸

Wednesday February 2^nd, 8.23pm

Ilya

Beautiful Cassandra!

🥰

Cassie

No!!!!

Ilya

Fuck

Lady Boyle

Wednesday February 2^nd, 8.24pm

Ilya

I could bring very expensive Russian vodka

Lady Boyle

lalalalala i can’t hear you

Jane ❤️💦😍

Wednesday February 2^nd, 8.27pm

Ilya

Sweetheart!

Jane

Baby!

Ilya

Please?

Jane

No ❤️

O-Town’s Fillies Back Again 🐎👩🏽🥵

Friday February 4^th, 12.12pm

Jane R

About to head out ❤️

Just finishing packing!

Selena C

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Cassie B

The wings are MARINATING!!!

Nicole B

might be more excited for this than i was for my own wedding

don’t tell josh

Caitlin D

Stop acting like you’re not ass over tit for that boy

Nicole B

he can’t know i have a crush on him

it’ll make him too powerful

😂Lisa H, Selena C

Cassie B

You’re a secret lover, just like Rozy

Nicole B

shut upppppppppppp!

let’s all talk about what @Jane R plans to do with the 4 hours before she gets to yours instead

Jane R

A lady never tells!

Caitlin D

There isn’t a single lady in this chat and you know that

@Lisa H could maybe have been considered one until she bought the tripod

Lisa H

I’m never living this down, am I? 😂

I don’t see Nic catching this kind of heat!

Caitlin D

That’s because we’ve known Nicole is a little hoe since the start

Jane R

Wait, does that make me a little hoe as well?!

Nicole B

if the skate fits, darling

Selena C

I’M DEAD

Jane R

Wait

WHAT THE FUCK

Cassie B

?????

Jane R

[image attached]

How did he get the lamp to fucking Montreal?????

😂Selena C, Lisa H, Nicole B

Caitlin D

A MENACE

“Cait, is your vibrator charged?”

The girls cackled from where they were huddled around the kitchen island. Nicole stood on one side, one eyebrow cocked above her smirk, as she passed the cheesecake to Cassie.

“I really need you to fuck off with this,” Caitlin whined. “He’s probably going to think we’re all crazy enough as it is, without you revealing that I once – and I’m being so serious here, once – had a lonely evening with my thoughts and his Monbray commercial.”

“I mean, can anyone blame you?” Lisa giggled from the kitchen island.

“Ladies,” Selena chastised. “We are not going full sexual deviant until at least the third Wine Friday he comes to!”

“He’s already seen my ass,” Nicole said bluntly. “I think that puts us firmly at a third Friday.”

“Nicole, honey, everyone’s seen your ass,” Cassie replied, turning from the fridge for a moment to take a sip of her wine.

“And everyone is welcome for the privilege.”

Cassie continued pulling food from the fridge – chicken wings, salad bowls, heaping trays of cheese and meats. It all landed on the counter, which quickly started filling up as bowls and boards jostled against one another.

“Holy shit, Cass,” Caitlin laughed. “Are there seven hundred other wives coming that we don’t know about?”

Caitlin dropped the last of the trays on the island and closed the fridge door, but stayed facing it for a moment, her finger tracing the chrome of the handle. “Maybe I went a little overboard,” she replied quietly. There was a soft clink as Lisa put her wine glass down on the counter, freeing her hand to squeeze Cassie’s shoulder.

“What’s up, honey?”

Cassie took in a breath before turning to face the girls. When she did, her eyes were shining, and Selena reached a hand out to grab her gently by the wrist.

“I just really want him to feel safe here, you know?”

“He will, Cass,” Caitlin replied quietly.

“I just,” Cassie began, before breaking herself off with a sharp inhale. “I still feel like such a bitch for what I did.”

Nicole dropped heavily into one of the stools by the island and placed her palms face down on the surface, leaning towards her. “Cassie, we talked about this.”

“I know, but I-”

“-No buts,” Selena replied. “Can you imagine if he hadn’t known that Ilya was safe? How that would have felt for him?”

It was quiet for a moment, the soft hum of the fridge the only noise in the room. Cassie stared at a spot on the island, one hand picking at the side seam of her jeans. “I’ve been so worried that I made everything worse,” she whispered. “To be that scared, and then have me say that? Fuck, I can’t even imagine.”

Caitlin took a breath. “He told you that it was okay. You have to believe him when he says that.”

“He wouldn’t be coming here tonight if he didn’t feel safe with us, Cass,” Nicole added. “He wouldn’t be coming here to throw out his diet for the night, get wine drunk with us, and help him plan his fucking proposal if he didn’t believe that we could look after this for him.”

Cassie nodded quickly, pinching the bridge of her nose and sighing. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right.”

“Maybe it would help if you spoke to him?” Lisa asked gently. “We can all head into another room or something if you wanted to talk to him privately.”

“Maybe,” Cassie agreed, rolling her shoulders back and shaking her head to clear it. “Okay, fuck. No, I’m fine. I’m fine.”

Lisa squeezed her shoulder again. “It’s all going to be great, sweetie.”

There was another pause, before Caitlin turned to look at Lisa across the kitchen, her eyes wide with intent. Change the subject. “What’s the current page count on the binder, Mrs H?”

“Oh my god,” Lisa replied dramatically, her hand dropping from Cassie to grab a hold of her glass again. “I genuinely think I’m at well over twenty pages by this point.”

Selena snorted. “Where did you even find time to make it between shifts?”

“I’ve been inspired, okay?”

Before they could tease Lisa further, there was a knock on the front door. Quiet, sharp, three raps in quick succession. The girls turned to each other, all letting out a squeal of delight, Cassie laughing softly at the sight of Selena bouncing on the spot as her wine sloshed dangerously towards the rim of her glass.

“Ladies,” Nicole announced, standing with a clap. “Let’s fucking do this.”

Cassie led the way to the entryway with the others trailing behind her like ducklings, their excited murmurs turning to laughs as Caitlin tripped on the hall runner in her haste to get to the door. Selena and Lisa grasped hands, turning to each other and whispering a desperately excited oh my god to one another.

Cassie grabbed the door, took a breath, and swung it open to reveal Shane on the doorstep.

“I know you said not to bring anything,” he started sheepishly, holding two wine bottles, one in either hand. “But I figured this might go down okay?”

Lisa and Selena squealed from the back of the welcome party, pushing past Cassie to ambush Shane with a hug. He laughed, almost in shock, before attempting to wrap his arms as best he could around the both of them whilst still holding the bottles.

“Oh my god,” Selena screeched. “I can’t believe we finally got you here!”

“Selena,” Caitlin chastised from the back. “Let the man breathe.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry!” Selena and Lisa stepped back, and they all took a moment to grin at one another. Shane cast his eye from one woman to the next, evidently putting names to faces as he scanned the group. He landed on Nicole, who was leaning coolly against the doorway, hip jutted out as she looked at him with a wry smile on her face.

“Your ass looks great in those jeans, Nic.”

“Oh, honey,” she replied with a wink. “I haven’t even turned around yet.”

The girls stepped to the side to let him in, Lisa already beginning the convoy back to the kitchen, when the sound of a car door shutting quietly stopped them all in their tracks.

“Absolutely not, Roz,” Cassie intoned. “Get back in the car!”

Ilya whined from where he stood next to the driver’s side of the car, one arm stretched casually across the roof as his shoe scuffed the gravel.

“Cassie,” he pleaded, pouting. “Please?”

“I already told you no!”

Shane turned to Caitlin, leaning in. “I couldn’t get Mom to look after Anya for the night. Whatever you do, do not look at the back seat.”

Caitlin stared at him, wide-eyed, before turning on her heel and marching back to the kitchen. “Not cool, Roz!” she called once she was out of view.

Ilya scoffed dramatically and glanced to the back of the car, where Anya sat panting happily on the seat. “Thank you for your effort, baby girl.”

“That was cheap and you know it,” Nicole drawled.

“I am not above playing dirty,” he replied, equally as cocky.

Nicole held his eye contact for a moment, before breaking away to face the rest of the group. “Everyone, inside. I’ve got this handled.”

Lisa and Caitlin laughed faintly from the kitchen, while Cassie rolled her eyes amusedly and pushed at Caitlin’s shoulder to move her inwards, the pair of them padding softly back into the house. Ilya’s focus turned to Shane, his eyes softening as Shane looked back at him with a small smile. “You are okay?”

“I’m okay,” Shane replied with a nod.

One side of Ilya’s mouth turned up further as he nodded back. He threw a quick glance at Nicole, who was waiting on the porch, warm eyes casting between the two of them. “Good. Text me when you need me, yes?”

“I will,” came the soft reply. Shane’s eyes darted to Nicole, whose smile widened as she looked at him. He turned back to Ilya, and took a small breath. “Love you.”

Ilya grinned cheesily, his hand tapping the roof of the car twice. “Love you more.”

They shared one final glance, before Nicole gestured with her head to Shane. Inside. He nodded quickly, before turning and walking towards the kitchen, pausing to toe his shoes off by the rack. Once gone, Nicole turned to look behind her before stepping onto the driveway, heading to Ilya and stopping a couple of steps shy of where he stood by the car.

“Lover boy.”

“Nicole.”

She smirked again, before she let it fall into something quieter, reaching forwards to squeeze his forearm. “We’ve got him, alright?”

Ilya’s jaw worked around what was left of his smile for a moment, staring at the front door before turning back to her. Nicole nodded once.

“Alright,” he replied gently.

“Your place is lovely, Cassie,” Shane remarked as he headed into the kitchen. Selena was pulling the wine out of the fridge to top the glasses, while Cassie pulled another glass down from the cupboard by the sink, pausing to check that it wasn’t smeared.

“Thank you, sweetie!”

“We’ll have to do a barbecue night in the summer,” Lisa gushed. “Her garden is unbelievable.”

“Don’t say the word too loudly, or Bood will come running.”

“Nah, if he was going to hear anything tonight that would bring him back, it would be the sound of his son-slash-lover’s car door,” Caitlin remarked.

Shane took a seat on a stool at the island, looking at Caitlin with a small grin. “Are they really that bad?”

“Oh my god, Shane,” Selena gushed. “If you guys weren’t dating, we’d be staging an intervention for Cassie for marrying a man who had a secret Russian lover.”

“Secret Russian lover?” Nicole asked as she entered into the room. “Why are we talking about my college sex life?”

Cassie rolled her eyes as she started pouring Shane a glass of the wine from the fridge. “We’ve already heard that one, Nic. Get some new material.”

The girls laughed, and Shane cast a look around the island. Lisa, standing with her shoulder bumping Selena’s as they clinked glasses. Nicole, with her hip leaning against the doorframe, one arm wrapped around her waist while the other hand rubbed small circles on her necklace with an index finger. Cassie, pulling trays from the counter onto the island, transferring chicken wings onto a plate and adjusting the position of an inordinately big bowl of salad. Caitlin, rustling around in the cutlery drawer to find forks for each plate of food. Everyone at ease, the furore of his arrival now forgotten in favour of a comfortable normality.

“Cassie,” Shane started. “This looks incredible. You really didn’t need to go to all this trouble.”

Cassie waved him away with a dismissive hand. “Shut up, it’s literally nothing. Zane did the wings, and I asked Ilya for a few dishes that you’d want to eat.”

“You did?”

“Sure,” Cassie replied flippantly, now focusing on spooning out a grilled vegetable dish into another mixing bowl. “I know you said you’d sacrifice your diet for the night, but I was hardly going to sit here and feed you mac and cheese, was I?”

There was a pause as Shane cast his eyes over the plates on the island. Salads, chickpea dishes, lean pork skewers interspersed with lumps of pepper and mushroom. Nothing deliberately gluttonous, nothing that would make him think twice before plating it up.

“That’s really kind,” Shane replied quietly. “Thank you.”

Cassie turned her gaze up from the dish she was still decanting to eye Shane, hand pausing with the giant serving spoon hovering around her shoulder. “It’s my pleasure, Shane.”

“Alright, girls,” Caitlin announced with a sharp clap. “We’re moving to the lounge.”

Nicole’s eyes focused on Shane, a smirk crawling across her lips. “And you-” She pointed at Shane. “-Are telling us everything.”

The girls took their seats in Cassie’s plush living room, sinking back into the deep sofas with a cacophony of sighs that said thank fuck for that. Sat on the sofa, Lisa rolled out her foot, clearly aching from the heels she was still wearing. Cassie entered, grasping a couple of small bowls of chips and nuts, taking a moment to arrange them artfully in the centre of the coffee table.

On the far wall, a fireplace crackled gently, small sparks intermittently flicking from the logs inside it. Shane entered the room last, and found a wide armchair to sink into. Once they were sat, all the women turned to face him expectantly. “So,” Caitlin started, “Boundaries first.”

Shane blinked. “Huh?”

“We can be a lot,” Cassie began. “We want to know everything, but we want you to be comfortable with us. So you tell us when something isn’t up for discussion, and we drop it. Cool?”

There was a pause while Shane struggled to wrap his head around the sense of safety that felt like it emanated from the very walls around him. “Fucking hell, girls. Yeah, sure.”

“First off,” Nicole started, leaning forwards. “Are you okay?”

The room went quiet as they waited for Shane to respond, but all he could come out with at first was a weak chuckle. “Yeah,” he replied after a moment. “I’m really okay.”

“Awesome,” Nicole replied brusquely. “So, how’s the sex?”

The girls shrieked, turning to throw pillows at her face while Shane let out a loud bark of laughter, grabbing a swig of his wine as they all yelled at Nicole.

“Literally thirty fucking seconds in, Boyle-”

“-This is absolutely a new record-”

“-I will not apologize for asking the questions we all want to know!”

“Cassie,” Shane called, his voice rising above the din. “Is it worth us bringing the bottle in?”

Cassie’s eyes flashed with mirth before she jumped to her feet and rushed out of the room. “Don’t say a fucking word until I’m back, Hollander!” she called from the kitchen. Shane met the eyes of the room, where Selena was still trying to throw a light slap at a squirming Nicole.

“I’m still a WAG, right?”

“Hell fucking yes,” Caitlin replied immediately. “Through and through.”

“Well then,” Shane murmured, “I’d better start acting like one.”

He took a huge swig of the white wine in his glass, half-emptying it with a sharp wince through his teeth while the girls cheered him. Cassie rushed back into the room, socks almost sliding on the wood floors, before she parked herself by Shane briefly to top his glass again.

“Well…” Nicole drawled.

“Nic,” Shane started, raising his glass and nodding demurely. “Absolutely no complaints.”

The girls catcalled while Shane smirked. From the side of the room, Lisa shook her head with a smile. “You don’t know what you just started, Hollander.”

“Oh, come on,” he replied lightly. “It can’t be that bad.”

Caitlin sobered up, turning a serious eye to Shane. “Nicole got Boyle a ‘50 positions to try before you die’ book for Christmas last year, and she literally told us every time they tried a new one.”

“From what I recall,” Nicole interjected. “You were all incredibly interested to hear the results of my experiments.”

“I did ask for tips on reverse cowgirl,” Selena said with a shrug, reaching forward to grab a chip.

Shane felt a pulse run through him, a desire to chime in with the group that almost made him dizzy with excitement. Here he was in a room of people who’d laugh, joke, and rib him for his thoughts without ascribing shame or anger to anything. A bubble of giddiness popped in his chest, dripping warmth down through his insides. I can say what I want here, he thought.

“I can probably give you a hand with that, Selena.”

The girls turned to face him, open-mouthed, before Caitlin cracked and grabbed the throw pillow from Nicole’s lap, throwing it at him. “You fucking dog, Hollander!”

“Oh, I knew it,” Nicole said with a laugh. “He’s filthy like the rest of us.”

Shane laughed, taking another sip of wine that went down smoother than the last. “If the skate fits, darling.”

“Okay, shut up,” Lisa called, leaning forwards from her position in the corner of the sofa, head moving from where it was propped up on the heel of her hand. “I want to know how it started.”

All the girls quietened immediately, turning to face Shane while he took a deep breath in.

“As much you want to say, babe,” Cassie said gently, settling softly into the armchair next to him.

“No, it’s okay,” Shane replied quietly, twisting to lock eyes with her. He turned back to the room, taking a moment to reach forwards and drop his glass back onto the table. He took another inhale, noticing how all the women had also dropped their glasses, faces inquisitive but open.

“I mean, it’s a weird timeline.”

“Weird how?” Caitlin probed.

“Well,” Shane sighed. “We’ve been like, together together, for probably a year?”

Selena let out a small squeal from the other side of the room, clapping a hand over her mouth when Shane laughed softly at her.

“But,” he continued. “I guess we’ve been involved in something, whatever the hell it was, for like ten years by now.”

There was another pause before the women exploded, all asking questions over the top of another. Shane reeled backwards at the noise explosion, flinching slightly when Nicole stuck her pinky fingers in her mouth and dog-whistled to shut the room up.

“Easy, girls,” she said calmly, before turning her attention back to Shane. “So what does that mean? You’ve been with him since your rookie season?”

“I mean,” Shane said slowly. “Not with, really? But like, we’ve been involved with each other in some capacity since just before that, actually.”

He paused for a moment, eyes on the painting that hung above the fireplace on the other side of the room, tracking the abstract splashes that weaved across the canvas. “It was a casual thing, for a while. Like, we’d hook up whenever Montreal played Boston.”

“Oh,” Selena started softly. “So when you said you wouldn’t see each other for months…”

Shane nodded. “It was literally when our schedules would line up, or we were playing each other.”

“Fuck,” Caitlin breathed. “How long did you do that for?”

Shane blew out a breath that rolled his lips. “God, I don’t know. A few years, maybe?”

Caitlin let out a quiet, breathy whistle while Cassie leaned forwards. “And when did you like, know?”

“Know?”

“Know that it was more than that.”

The girls watched as Shane considered it for a moment, cheek pulled in tight against his teeth while he chewed the corner of his lip. “There was always something there. And I know now that it was the case for both of us. But back then? I don’t know.” Shane paused for a moment. “I thought it was just me, to be honest. I thought I’d broken the rules of what it was supposed to be.”

“And what was it supposed to be?” Selena asked quietly.

“Easy,” Shane replied. “It was supposed to be easy and fun. But it really wasn’t for me – I mean, fuck, it was fun. But it was never easy for me.”

“So what changed?” Lisa asked softly.

“I freaked out,” Shane replied with a sad smile. “Like, majorly freaked out.”

“How major are we talking?” Nicole asked.

Shane huffed out another laugh. “As in, I ran out of his house and immediately started dating an actress level of major.”

Selena squealed again, while Caitlin let out an emphatic oh my god. “Rose Landry was in the same era?”

“No, not really!” Shane exclaimed. “I never cheated, or anything like that. But after I freaked out, I just kind of thought, god, I need to know if I can do it, right?”

“Do what?” Cassie asked, voice warm and kind.

One side of Shane’s face lifted sadly. “Date a woman.”

“Oh, honey,” Lisa whined from the other side of the room. A warmth covered Shane’s hand and he turned to see Cassie stretched uncomfortably across the gap between the armchairs, deliberately perching on the very edge of the cushion so that she could run her thumb over the soft skin on the back of his hand.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “We worked it out, and Rose is actually a really good friend now.”

“So what changed?” Cassie asked.

“I guess,” Shane started. “I guess I realised that it really was shit or bust for me, with him. Like, I think I knew then that it was him or nothing.”

“Fuck, Shane,” Nicole droned from the other side of the room, head dropping into her hands. “You’re killing me.”

Caitlin laughed. “She’s giving away the secret that she’s actually a huge fucking romantic.”

Nicole removed one hand from her eye sockets briefly to smack Caitlin across the leg, leading Shane to let out a short laugh.

“Lock back in, Boyle. I’m not done yet.”

“Okay,” Cassie affirmed. “So you realise that Ilya is it. Then what did you do?”

“Well, we had this serious fucking chat at the All Stars game that year, and then I went and got my fucking head smashed in at my next game.”

“Oh my god!” Lisa gasped. “The Boston game where Marleau took you out?”

Shane nodded. “Yeah, I went down hard. And then I’m high as a fucking kite in a hospital room and Ilya turns up looking – fuck, looking like, well, that – and I guess I just didn’t know how to stop myself from blabbing.”

He looked at the girls for a second, where they were all leaning forwards, elbows on knees. “So I’ve got this cottage…” Shane flushed as they all laughed.

“Oh baby,” Caitlin drawled. “We know all about the cottage. It’s got a lovely yoga deck, right?”

“Yeah,” Shane started, pulling out the word. “How did you know that?”

Cassie laughed. “Because Ilya inadvertently described it like a straight up realtor when we were trying to help him pick a gift for Valentines.”

“Oh my god,” Shane whined. “He is so awful sometimes.”

“No,” Selena cooed. “It was literally the cutest thing!”

“He is so obsessed with you, Shane,” Nicole said. “Like, it’s insane levels of obsessed.”

Shane smiled, small and private. “I know that now. I invited him to the cottage, and after Scott Hunter came out after he won, Ilya called me and told me he was in.”

Selena squealed again. “Oh my god!”

“So,” Nicole said. “You banged for a few weeks and worked it out?” Caitlin slapped her on the leg in return, Nicole yelping as the swift sting hit her thigh.

“I mean,” Shane replied with a chuckle. “Kind of? We talked, a lot, and realised that we were both on the same page.”

“About?” Cassie probed.

“About it being real, I guess,” Shane admitted. “We both kind of confessed that it had been a lot more for both of us, and we’d just never said it to the other person. We’d both just been dancing around this thing between us for years.”

“So…” Lisa enquired.

“So we decided we’d try and do it for real. Find some kind of way to be together.”

The girls all screamed again, and this time, Shane didn’t flinch. He just smiled and reached for the wine in front of him, sipping it while the women in front of him tried to wrestle a modicum of normality back into the room.

“Okay, okay,” Cassie half-yelled. She turned back to Shane. “So what’s the plan now?”

Shane sighed. “Big question. Up until January, it was ‘keep quiet until we’re retired’ and then we’d figure it out after that.”

“Shane,” Lisa said softly. “That’s years away.”

“I know,” he replied. “And I don’t think that’s the plan anymore.”

“Why?” Selena asked.

“Because I realised after the whole plane thing that I was more scared of him dying and me never being told than I was of whatever it is the league could do to us. I knew then that I had to give up whatever scared me so that I could be with him properly.”

Cassie was quiet from her place on the armchair, before she rose suddenly. “Give me a second, folks. I just want to check that Zane turned off the grill before he left.”

Without waiting for a reply, she left the room, her hair falling over her face as she went. Shane watched her leave, before turning back to the other women. “Is she okay?”

The women shared a glance.

“She was nervous about tonight,” Caitlin confessed quietly.

“About me?” Shane replied, quiet but worried.

“Not about you,” Selena rushed to speak. “Well, a little bit about you, I guess.”

Lisa shifted from her seat on the couch. “She’s worried about how things went down between the two of you.”

“I told her that I wasn’t mad at her.”

“Shane,” Nicole started. “I think she’s mad at herself.”

“Fuck,” Shane cursed under his breath. “I thought she – shit, never mind. Give us a minute?”

“Of course,” Lisa replied. “Patio door is through the kitchen.”

Shane stood placing his glass down on the coaster on the coffee table in front of him. He shook his hands out, once, before heading out of the room, throwing a quick grimace towards Caitlin as he left.

“I’m topping off everyone’s glasses,” Selena declared to no one in particular.

The garden was quiet, save for the chirping of crickets and the soft swoosh of the patio door as Shane stepped out. Cassie stood on the edge of the paving, her arms wrapped around her body as she gazed out into the darkness. Shane stepped behind her, pausing to drape the jumper he’d found on a hook by the door over her shoulders. As she felt the wool hit her bare arms, she turned to give Shane a small smile.

“Thank you, honey.”

“It’s too cold to be out here for too long. Grill okay?”

They both turned to look at the grill, now long dormant, before Shane looked back at her and raised an eyebrow. She winced apologetically, before turning back to the face the garden. Shane stepped beside her, the two of them lit by the warm glow from inside the house.

“Sorry, I-” Cassie started. “Shit, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Shane replied softly. “Are you okay?”

There was silence for a moment, before Cassie inhaled deeply and shifted to face Shane, her jaw set. “I told you when I messaged you that I’d apologize to you in person for what I did.”

“Cass-”

“-Please. Just a minute, okay?”

Shane nodded, falling silent as he watched Cassie take another long sigh.

“I was so scared, Shane.”

“I know,” Shane agreed. “So was I.”

Cassie shook her head. “Not about the plane – well, yes I was, obviously, I felt like I was going to die for, like, two hours – but I’m not talking about that. I was so scared for you.”

Shane let out a rush of breath through his teeth, his gaze falling to his feet as he twisted his shoe against the concrete.

“You didn’t know he was okay, and I couldn’t get you to hear what I was saying – and I just kept thinking, god, imagine if this was you, and you have no idea what’s happening to the person you love and, and, you can’t even take a fucking breath because you’re so frightened and there’s no one there who can tell you that it’s all fine-”

“-Cassie,” Shane interrupted gently. “I know all of this. I know why you did it. Truly.”

Cassie whispered his name under her breath, and Shane’s eyes came up to focus on her again.

“Look, yes. It was fucking terrifying to realize that someone knew about – about Ilya, about everything.”

Cassie’s eyes glistened and her cheek indented as she clamped down hard on the inside of her mouth.

“But,” Shane continued. “That was really, really, not what I was scared about right then.”

“I couldn’t get you to listen, Shane,” Cassie pleaded, her voice cracking. “God, I’m so fucking sorry. I never wanted to breach your trust or make you feel unsafe with me but, fuck, you weren’t hearing me and I just had to make you understand that everything was okay! It was fucking hell, and the thought of you being sat in a room by yourself, not knowing when it was over? I just – ugh, fuck.”

Shane reached out to grab Cassie’s hand, pulling it down from where it was digging into the flesh of her shoulder to hold it between both of his.

“I know,” he repeated softly. “I think I told you then, but if I didn’t, I’ll tell you now – I’m glad you did it. You knew that I was scared, you knew that it would look insane if I turned up in Tampa, and you made a call.”

Cassie stared at him for a second. “Was it the right call?”

After a moment, Shane let out a soft laugh. “Yes, it was the right call. You talked me down from pretty much the worst panic attack of my life, got me through to Ilya, and told me that everything was going to be okay. In what world could that not be the right call?”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Shane replied. “Look, Ilya and I still have so much left to deal with. With all of this, really. I mean, fuck. But I’m in a room with a group of beautiful, funny women on a Friday night, drinking white wine – which actually, I’m enjoying way more than I expected to – and they’re going to help me plan a proposal for the man I love.”

He paused. “Was it scary? Yes, fuck yes. But – god, Cassie – if you had any idea of the relief I feel to have literally anyone know about this now. To have, I don’t know, people care about us and not be worried that they think I’m a fucking traitor to my team or, frankly, out of my fucking mind-”

“-Shane-”

“-This? Tonight? Cass, I’ve been craving it for so long.”

Cassie’s chin dropped to her chest as she let out a half-laugh, half-sob. They stood for a moment, listening to the crickets as the wind blew through the trees. After a moment, she raised her head, tilted to find his eyeline. “Are we okay?”

“We were never not okay.”

Cassie nodded once, her hand flexing where it was warm between Shane’s.

“We love you so much. You know that, right?”

Shane smiled, slightly wobbly. “Yeah, I do. And I love you.”

He pulled her in by the hand he was still holding, wrapping both arms around her waist while her hands came to rub firmly between his shoulder blades.

“Now,” Shane muttered into the crease of her neck. “You’re going to stop apologizing, and we’re going inside because, fuck, it’s cold, and we’ve got wine to finish and your food to eat. And I’ve got a proposal to plan.”

He felt a wet laugh into his shoulder, and Cassie squeezed her arms around him one more time before stepping back to release him, cupping his cheek quickly as she went.

“Alright,” she said firmly. “Wine, food, proposal.”

“Wine, food, proposal,” Shane echoed.

As the pair stepped back into the lounge, the quiet murmurs of the other conversations trailed off. Selena’s brow furrowed at the sight of Cassie’s red eyes, but it relaxed when she saw Shane reach to give her hand a quick squeeze.

“Did you two bang it out, then?” Nicole joked. Caitlin let out a disgusted noise, and threw one of the peanuts from the bowl at her head. Shane closed his eyes, shaking his head with a soft laugh as the other women booed loudly.

“Nah,” Cassie replied lightly. “He wishes.”

Shane pretended to clutch his chest forlornly. “I don’t know what a monogamous gay man has to do to get a fuck from a monogamous straight woman around here.”

The girls laughed as the pair took their seats, this time huddled slightly closer on one of the smaller sofas. Shane leaned forward and grabbed their glasses from the coffee table, raising an eyebrow at Selena when he saw how precariously they’d been filled to the brim.

“What? You guys were outside for a while, you’ve got some catching up to do.”

“Okay,” Lisa yelled, slapping her knees as she stood. “I think it’s time!”

Caitlin cheered as she hurried from the room, Nicole stretching forward to slap her on the ass as she walked past. “Go!”

Selena turned to Shane with a conspiratorial eye. “She’s been working very hard on this.”

“It’s very impressive,” Cassie chimed in. “It’s colour coded. Bookmarked and everything.”

“God,” Shane deadpanned. “It’s like you’re trying to turn me on.”

“Ah,” Nicole said sagely from her seat. “So the laundry thing isn’t just Roz’s kink. It’s foreplay.”

Shane’s head dropped to his chest with a groan as Caitlin and Cassie cackled. “I don’t think that I actually want to know how much he talked about our sex life.”

“If it helps, I can swap you some stories about Josh and I if you want-”

“-Shut up, Nicole!”

“-Like you wouldn’t just be announcing that shit to an empty room anyway, Boyle.”

Lisa rushed back in, clutching an impressively thick binder to her chest. As she dropped back into her seat, she thunked it down on the table, Selena and Shane both laughing at the heaviness of the thwack that it made on the wood.

“Oh my god, Lisa. Do you have a secret career we don’t know about?”

“Ugh, I wish. I’m wasted on the medical profession.”

Shane leaned forwards to pull the binder around to face him, flipping over the cover and huffing out a laugh when he was greeted by the sight of a sub-sectioned table of contents that ran the entire length of the page.

“Wow,” he said quietly, trailing an index finger over the top of the list.

Green tabs for safe bets
Yellow tabs for potentials
Red tabs for wildcards

Timing.
i. Date
ii. Time of day
Location.
i. Local options
ii. Remote options
iii. Places of importance
Vibe.
i. Decor
ii. Music
iii. Lighting
iv. Speech

“Lisa,” Cassie announced. “This might be your best work yet.”

Lisa preened and raised her glass in thanks, before turning to look to at Shane where he was still staring down at the list. “Is it too much?” she asked quietly, her face falling slightly.

Shane glanced up, frowning, before refocusing on the room. “God, no! No, sorry. This is incredible, really. Thank you. It’s just.” He sucked in a breath, eyes wide. “Fucking hell, I’m really going to do this, aren’t I?”

The girls squealed, Shane wincing once again at the noise. Nicole reached forward to clink the base of her glass against the lip of Shane’s.

“Hell fucking yes you are, Hollander.”

Jane ❤️💦😍

Friday February 4^th, 10.11pm

Jane

[image attached]

The girls say hello!

And sorry 🙈

Ilya

I am still mad at them

I was in the group first!!

Are you having a good night?

Jane

Ilya

I fucking love these girls

Ilya

You look so happy, sweetheart

Text me when you want me to come and get you ❤️

Jane

Pick me up at 11.30?

I love you, baby

💕

Ilya

Of course

Love you more

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday February 5^th, 12.22am

Ilya

Boody, darling!

I need a favour

Bood

good evening

anything, king

Ilya

I need you to kiss your wife on the mouth for me again

Best one you have ever given her

Bood

absolutely no hardship here

why?

Ilya

I will tell you soon, I think

But please just do it?

Tongue and everything

Bood

you telling me to tongue my wife is a new level of weird

Ilya

She is a wonderful woman and soon you will know why

But for now

Extract that woman’s tonsils please

Bood

aw c’mon man 😩

but you know what? consider it done

Ilya

Get some!! 💕💕

And tell her Jane says thank you for tonight

Bood

...wait, what???

Chapter End Notes

i make zero promises but the boodanov archives may be with us at some point... i can't let these boys go but i want to do you all proud so forgive me if it takes some time

thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has left their love on my silly little story. it's truly been such a pleasure to write and to feel idk? creative again? every single one of your glorious comments has meant the absolute world to me, and if i can ask one thing, it's that you extend this to every fic you love. through writing this, i've learned that when you're just doing this for fun, there is nothing more beautiful than knowing that someone somewhere around the world has had a grand old time reading the thing you typed out at 11.30 at night on a laptop with a fucked up battery. love loudly and declaratively, because god knows the world needs more silliness and more of these beautiful boys. love you all!

Chapter 6: Bonus: The Boodanov Files

Chapter Summary

Ilya
I think he thinks I am part of the mob

Bood
just tell him you’re not in the mob

Ilya
That is what someone who is in the mob would say

Bood
damn
got me there
A year (and a bit) of texts between our favourite loverboys.

Chapter Notes

hi friends! final call from me, clocking back in to drop a year's worth of texts between the world's greatest (non-canon) bromance

it starts pre-chapter one, ends post-chapter 5!
i took it a bit further because i wanted to get some extra bits in

we're playing fast & loose with TLG events as you've come to expect, but hopefully you all like it <3

disclaimer: i know sweet fuck all about hockey so sozzzzzz

See the end of the chapter for more notes

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday January 12^th, 1.12pm

Bood

hi king

having fun with jane?

Ilya

Do not ask a question you cannot handle the answer to 😏

Bood

ayoooooooooooooooooooooo

let’s fucking go!!!

Ilya

Oh, Boody 🥰

We have fucking gone

Again

And again

Bood

damn alright!!

we get it

Ilya

I am concerned my dick might die

Bood

bro 😩

i’ll give it a viking sendoff if it does

set a boat on fire in the middle of a lake to salute a fallen warrior

Ilya

Thank you 🫡

Oh fuck

I have to go

Bood

why?

Ilya

Jane just got out of the shower 👅

Bye bye!

Bood

ffs

i’m ubereatsing you some gatorade

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday January 25^th, 6.23pm

Ilya

https://vm.tiktok.co…

Us 😘

Bood

ok but which one are you

because i know damn well i’m the otter with the bigger rock

Ilya

Absolutely not!

I clearly have the bigger rock

Bood

you’re so silly

that rock is mine and you know it

Ilya

You are an insane man

Bood

am not

Ilya

Are too

Bood

we need to settle this like men

ZB🔥 has invited you to play Words With Friends! Download in the App Sto…

Ilya

You send a Russian man an English quiz game and think this is a fair fight?

Bood

you literally used the word ‘effervescent’ in conversation the other day

dpmo

Ilya

What is efervscent?

I no know word

Bood

man shut up

Ilya

Worth a try

Aha

Your move, Boody!

Bood

zealot??

fucking zealot???

you’re so annoying

Ilya

Zesty

Nice

But not nice enough!

Bood

BYGONES???

fuck offffff

Ilya

Mobile is dogshit and you know that

Prepare to die 😈

Bood

comrade.

i hate you 😭

Ilya

Sorry!

I have the bigger rock!!!

Love you 💕

Bood

you know what, fine

you win this round

...love you 💕

Bood 🥵🏒

Sunday February 20^th, 6.23pm

Bood

need to hit the advice line real quick

Ilya

Ilya Rozanov speaking, how can I be of assistance today?

Bood

cassie’s mom said something kinda outta pocket yday

nothing like awful

just a bit… off

and i didn’t say anything

Ilya

Cassie has told you about this before, yes?

After her brother was weird at that christening

Bood

no i know, she doesn’t like me fighting her battles

but it just never sits right with me that i just have to kinda sit there

and she’s being normal but i can tell it’s upset her

Ilya

Do you want to say something?

Bood

i mean, yeah

but do i?

Ilya

Hmm

Did you ask Cassie yet?

Bood

she’ll tell me it’s fine

but like

am i being a shit husband if i don’t anyway

Ilya

Boody ❤️

There is no way you can ever be a shit husband

You are obsessed with your wife!

It is annoying sometimes, frankly

Bood

like you’re not as bad with jane 🙄

would you say anything to jane’s mom if she was weird?

Ilya

Ahh

Jane’s mother is still a little scary to me sometimes

When I know her better, I would maybe bring it up casually?

But only if Jane was okay with it

Bood

i think it’ll piss cassie off

Ilya

Then I would not say anything.

But it might help Cassie to know that you are concerned?

Bood

yeah

she’s just quick to say she’s ok all the time

Ilya

You know your wife, you know when she is not okay

Bood

true

ah man, i’ll get some wine in the fridge for it

try and get her sat down for 10 minutes

Ilya

That is a very good idea

Bood

you’ve become such a wise sage since i met you

where is the notorious slut everyone warned me about

Ilya

True love’s kiss, Boody

Changes a man

Bood

sappiest sap in all the land

thanks, dear

Ilya

Anytime, darling

This call cost $2.00 per minute from standard mobile networks, by the way

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday March 7th^th, 8.22pm

Ilya

Young is playing injured.

You need to make him see the medic

Bood

ah fuck

he looked like was limping on the way in

you make him see the medic

you’re the captain!

Ilya

He is still scared of me

Accidentally overheard me having a fight with my agent back in Russia who I am firing

I think he thinks I am part of the mob

Bood

just tell him you’re not in the mob

Ilya

That is what someone who is in the mob would say

Bood

damn

got me there

ok, send a few photos of anya into the chat

go full dog dad

Ilya

What if he thinks Anya is my James Bond cat?

Bood

i beg your finest pardon

Ilya

The villain always has a pet!

Swings around on a chair before he unleashes piranha trap door

Bood

he’s a kid!

he might be a bit intimidated by you as captain

but he doesn’t think you’ve got an evil submarine or anything

Ilya

Who would want a submarine?

I do not even like elevators that much 🥴

Bood

honestly, heard

just be cool with him

he’s not done a bbq yet

he doesn’t know that you’re a karaoke princess who loves shania twain

Ilya

True

I do not want him to be afraid of me.

I do not want any respect that comes from fear

Bood

then you need to talk to him, brother

he’s playing injured because he doesn’t want to let you down

Ilya

I know, I know!

I am just still trying to make a good impression on the newbies

Bood

you already have, man!

but you just gotta convince young you’re not the scary uncle who turns up at people’s 60th birthdays and talks about “his time in the army” or whatever

Ilya

That is a very specific reference

Bood

remind me to never introduce you to my uncle rudy

Ilya

He sounds like I would hate him

Bood

you’ll get along with my mom then

Ilya

Ahh, Boody

Your mother already likes me 😏

Bood

you are absolutely not your momming me right now

go and talk to young, you little goblin

Ilya

Okay, yes fine

I will go now

Tell your mother I said hello!

Bood

shania privileges revoked ❌

it’s fuck around and find out friday

Ilya

Is Wednesday

And you could never deprive yourself of my talent😘

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday April 1^st, 9.53am

Ilya

Jane is pregnant

Bood

oh my god

holy shit

is she ok? are you?

are you ready for kids?

how do you feel about it?

like are you freaking out or

holy shit man!!!!

this is huge

you’re gonna be a great dad bro!

if you guys decide to keep it, i mean

but like you’ve said before you’re super all in?

talking about marriage and stuff

and like there’s no right way for all this to happen

but if you two are happy and locked in then i’m super happy for you king

but like

fucking hell

rozy is gonna be a dad???

Ilya

Boody!

Bood

yeah?

Ilya

Check the date

Bood

huh

oh i’m killing you with a fucking hammer dude

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday April 3^rd, 10.11am

Ilya

Prince Bood

Have you forgiven me yet? 🙏

Bood

fuck you

Ilya

Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase 😭😭

I was trying to do April Fools!

Bood

yeah i know man

and i started making you a goddamn amazon wishlist!!

Ilya

One day, when you meet Jane

You will understand why it was so funny

Bood

i have no idea what that means

but you almost gave me a heart attack

Ilya

Sorry 😭

Bood

Do you really think I would be a good dad?

Bood

what?

yeah, of course

Ilya

Why?

Bood

well, you’re great with all the kids at the hospital

and you’re super good with all of harris’ giant family

plus the rooks love you

idk man you’d just be great at it

Ilya

I do want kids

One day

Bood

with jane?

Ilya

Yes

I just worry sometimes

That I would not be good at it

Bood

i mean, i’m worried about that too man

Ilya

You are?

Bood

yeah! of course

i feel like it’s natural to be worried about it

Ilya

Yes, maybe

Do you think our kids will be friends?

Bood

i’m being so real when i say this

our kids are getting married

Ilya

We can wear matching suits!

Bood

that is a beautiful idea

we’re doing it

Ilya

Yessss

Does this mean I am forgiven? 🙏

Bood

darling

i can never stay mad at you

but the next time you tell me you’re having a kid you better be fr or i am buying that hammer

🍼Ilya

Bood 🥵🏒

Tuesday May 7^th, 8.02am

Ilya

Morning, dear! 👑

I am going to the French Press before practise

Do you want anything?

Bood

ooh you naughty man

one of those vanilla ice frappe things would go down a treat

Ilya

It will kill me to buy this

But I will do it for you

Bood

jane still got you on the health kick?

Ilya

Boody

I would chew my own arm off for a panini

I would chew yours off 😩

Bood

stay back, bitch 🧄

you feel better for it though?

Ilya

God

That is the worst part

Maybe the best I have ever felt?

I can never tell Jane this though or she will feed me fucking kale forever and I will have filthy sex dreams of chicken alfredo

Bood

that is horny tbf

you know what, treat me

get me a muffin too 😉

Ilya

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday May 31^st, 2.38pm

Ilya

[image attached]

Bood

holy shit

190 on the legs??

absolute king behaviour

Ilya

💪💪💪

Evan can suck it

Bood

know what else is king behaviour?

[image attached]

Ilya

HOW 🫨

HOW DID YOU GET 200??

Bood

it’s just about being hot and sexy and strong

i’ll teach you one day!

Ilya

Bet you I can hit 200 by next week?

Bood

you’re a multi millionaire dude

we are not having the same conversation when we make bets

Ilya

😏😏

Fine

Loser buys beer for the next BBQ?

Bood

i want one with gold flecks in it

hand fermented by mountain yaks in mongolia

Ilya

You are a drama queen

But deal 🤝

Bood

game on, cap 🤝

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday June 4^th, 5.57pm

Ilya

[image attached]

I like Amstel!

Bood

goddamn

not even mad, just impressed

welcome to the thick thigh squad 😏

🥵Ilya

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday June 25^th, 9.22pm

Ilya

What is a meal that is like chicken and brown rice with broccoli

But is absolutely fucking not chicken and brown rice with broccoli?

Bood

lmfaooooo

i smell a jane special

how many times in the last month have you had it

Ilya

She brought 3 weeks of meal prep over for me

Bood

aw man that’s actually really cute

Ilya

I know 😭

I have already cried about it twice

But I have got to stop eating broccoli

Or I will turn green

Bood

i’ve been trying out a new sauteed pak choi and salmon poke bowl

just sent you the link on pinterest

Ilya

Ooh

This is something that Jane would like too

I will make on Saturday!

Bood

you off to see her this weekend?

Ilya

Yes!

We try and see each other every few weeks

When work lets us

Bood

jeez

man that must suck hard

i’m sorry brother

Ilya

Yes

I miss Jane so much, Bood

I feel like I am going to fucking die from it sometimes

Bood

i really wish i had something other than i’m sorry to say to you

do you guys have a plan? for how you make this work long term?

Ilya

Jane does

Bood

and are you fine with it?

Ilya

I understand it and I agreed to it

And I know right now that it is the best thing for both of us

But it is so much more of this

So much fucking more

Bood

man

i’d be a mess if it was cassie

sorry, that’s not helpful

but fuck

Ilya

Yes, I know

Sorry

Bood

don’t apologize

you’re allowed to feel shit about this

but honestly? if it helps

it really sounds like she’s worth it

Ilya

I think I would do anything for her

To be honest

So yes, I will keep doing this for now

Bood

fancy keeping me company this eve?

cassie’s out and i just got a fortnite update

Ilya

Yes, thank you.

On my way

Bringing you all my leftover broccoli

Bood

fair warning

i’m going to smother it in garlic butter

Ilya

Thank fuck for that ❤️

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday July 16^th, 2.25pm

Bood

sonic this evening?

cassie’s out with the girls

Ilya

Sorry, spending the week with Jane’s parents!

I will make it up to you, yes?

Bood

the whole week????

hell fucking yeah dude!!

how’s it going

Ilya

They are so lovely

Her dad is maybe the nicest man I have ever met

Bood

absolutely fucking love this for you

was about to give you some father-in-law tips, but sounds like you don’t need ‘em

Ilya

I would like the tips!

I want to make sure they keep liking me

Bood

why wouldn’t they like you?

you’re the fucking best

Ilya

You are too good to me 💕

I think I am trying to impress them still

Bad reputation, you know?

Bood

darling

anyone with two eyes and half a brain cell knows that it’s all a sham

i bet whenever either of them even say her name you go all gooey and shit

Ilya

Ah, probably

For someone with private relationship I am not very good at hiding it

Am I?

Bood

can’t hide the heart eyes from me, darling

you’re the loverboy extraordinaire

i’ll get the whole truth out of you one day 👀

Ilya

Boody

I really cannot wait for that day 🥰

Bood

me neither man

now go away

go hang with the in-laws!

Ilya

I am in town on the 22nd

Sonic then?

Bood

can’t promise i won’t have fucked up your record by then 😏

but it’s a date

bring the beer

❤️Ilya

Bood 🥵🏒

Tuesday July 22^nd, 5.46pm

Ilya

My prince! 👑

What beer do you want?

Bood

the most expensive one in the shop

treat a girl right

Ilya

Your wish is my command 🫡

Bood 🥵🏒

Monday August 5^th, 7.12pm

Bood

thoughts on barrett?

Ilya

Strong player

Quieter than I thought he would be

Good instincts

Bood

you think?

Ilya

Hmm, yes.

He is not what I expected

Bood

yeah, i’m a little surprised

not sure what i was anticipating

but i’m surprised regardless

Ilya

I think we should do a couple of summer sessions

See if we can get Dykstra, Boyle & Nick on the ice too?

We need to see where he fits

Bood

wednesday?

or thursday?

Ilya

Wednesday!

Cannot make Thursday 🥵💕😏💦🔥🍆👅😍

Bood

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO

how the fuck did i forget

the atlantic lovefest is in sight!!!! 🔥🔥🔥

Ilya

I swear to God, Boody

I have been answering questions about what to put in the fucking fridge for weeks 🙃

And why the fuck do I care about a larder

😂Bood

Bood

okay but tell me your dinner thoughts???

are we going romantiqueeeeeeee 😏

Ilya

Hold on, this is good actually

Sending you my board

Give me your thoughts? I cannot decide 😓

I8R1🏎️ shared a link with you on Pinterest! https://www.pinter…

Bood

okay looking now

chicken caesar?? really??

Ilya

Yes!

Jane’s favourite half-cheat day meal 💕

Bood

absolutely disgraceful downbaddery from 81

definitely do that then

that seafood risotto looks fucking good

Ilya

Tempted for Friday

But I have not tried cooking octopus before 🥴

How do you even stop it from looking like a melted chandelier

Bood

idk

well you’ve rented poseidon’s goddamn palace, may as well commit to the theme

fuck it, do the risotto man

give me an hour to do some research on the best way to cook it

Ilya

Kissing my phone 💋

Bood

i know, i’m the best

but save yourself for jane 🙏

Ilya

I do not need to save shit up for Jane

Absolutely zero problems there

💦💦💦💦

Bood

c’mon man 😩

right ok

you’re gonna need a sous vide

Ilya

A fucking what

Please tell me I do not have to touch the whole thing

Bood??

Bood

how much are you paying them to stock this place?

Ilya

Far too much 🥴

Bood

...then maybe get them to prepare it first

https://www.terriskitchen.wordpr…

Ilya

Holy shit

You cannot make me go near that

Bood 🥵🏒

Tuesday August 27^th, 9.09am

Ilya

Boody

End of summer BBQ on Thursday?

Bood

only if you’re on steak duty

or nick

that fucker will not stop eating my shit

Ilya

Heard

Where the fuck does he put it??

I will make him go halves

You want to do one?

Bood

darling

in what world do you ever need to convince me to grill

🍗Ilya

can jane make it?

Ilya

Not this time, I am afraid

Back at home for her work things

Bood

is she like the boss or something?

she seems important as hell there

Ilya

Kind of the boss, I guess?

She is very commanding 🥵

Bood

ooh i should have known you’d like a strict woman

does she get mad when you don’t alphabetize the bookshelves

Ilya

Boody

That is a fucking fantastic idea

You are a genius

Bood

man 😩

can’t believe i just gave you a foreplay idea at 9am on a tuesday

Ilya

Just to warn you in advance

I am changing from alphabetical by surname to colour co-ordinated.

So I probably will not leave the bedroom this weekend 🫠

In case you need to get hold of me

Bood

we should have an emergency code in case i need to call you an ambulance

Ilya

Boody, my prince 👑

If it is God’s plan that I die in that room, so be it

Bood

genuinely afraid for you

giving you a tentative but still supportive get some 🥴💦

make sure you get nick to buy the steaks for thursday!

Ilya

Maybe I will just make him buy a cow

Bood 🥵🏒

Sunday September 1^st, 8.57pm

Bood

heyooooo

did you live?

Ilya

Barely

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday September 12^th, 6.57pm

Ilya

Did you watch it yet??

Bood

literally on the last 10 minutes now

Ilya

Okay!

I need to know how you feel about Kasey and Jonathan

Bood

i mean, they’re fine?

they seem like they’re kinda well-matched?

oh man hold up

jonathan talking head interview

BRO WHAT

‘my women tend to be more focused on their health’

‘our life goals aren’t aligned’

tell me you’ve never actually fucked a woman without telling me

nah she needs to DIP this man is a loser 🤮🤮

Ilya

He is the fucking worst

Plus, when they were at dinner with the other couples

He was very clearly staring at Priti across the table

Bood

they both need to run a fucking mile

priti seems happy with david for now though?

he seems pretty chill so far

hasn’t said anything that would make me think he writes men’s rights manifestos on the internet

Ilya

I think Priti finds him boring in a bad way

Bood

is there a good way to be boring?

Ilya

Ohhhhh yes 😏

Jane is so boring and it is literally like I have been shot in the chest and dick every time she asks me if I have renewed my car insurance

Bood

okay fine 😩

so she thinks he’s boring in the bad way

but surely the alternative is not jonathan here?

Ilya

No!

Lauren and Oliver are on the rocks

And he already said that he likes Priti’s energy in the last episode

So I think it will be them

Bood

damn

i like lauren and oliver together tho idk

she seems sweet

Ilya

She does!

If the producers are smart, they will push her towards boring David and they will have beautiful boring babies who are accountants or HR managers

Bood

damn, i see the vision

why are you literally the mafs whisperer

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday September 27^th, 7.36pm

Bood

NEW COUPLE ALERT

Ilya

I have not watched it yet!! No spoilers!!

Took a quick visit to see Jane and she hates MAFS 😭

Actually no, I am desperate

Tell me!

Bood

two new guys came in and i am getting some serious vibes from david

don’t think he’s so boring after all!

Ilya

Two guys?

Bood

yeah

otis and ronan

they seem cute! but david is definitely interested in ronan 👀

Ilya

How can you tell?

Bood

just vibes yaknow

not sure he’s got a shot though, otis and ronan seem pretty rock solid

plus otis is built like a brick shithouse so ronan would be crazy to look elsewhere

david has been looking mad cozy with lauren, just like you said

but ronan definitely piqued his interest 😏

Ilya

Interesting

How have the other couples been?

Bood

jonathan was trying to not come off as a prick but was very clearly uncomfortable with them and basically said as much in his interview

absolute waste of a man

oliver being super nice so he’s chill in my books

girls are being totally normal about it

Ilya

We knew that Jonathan was a dick

Bood

no i know but like didn’t expect him to be this much of a dick

like fucking grow up dude?

cassie walked in, watched two minutes of it and called him an unfuckable loser and left

Ilya

Cassie is the best

Bood

she really is 🥰

Ilya

So are you

Bood

aw, thanks dear

you ok?

jane got you in your feelings?

Ilya

Yes, maybe I am in my feelings tonight

I will catch up at the weekend and give you my thoughts

Love you!

❤️Bood

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday October 9^th, 8.06am

Bood

morning king 👑

you still being healthy or can i tempt you with a croissant before practise?

Ilya

God, please

Please get them to put extra Nutella in it

Do not tell Jane!

Bood

don’t tell the woman i have never met what you had for breakfast?

yeah i think i can manage that

Bood 🥵🏒

Tuesday October 15^th, 10.59pm

Bood

ZB🔥 shared a link with you on Pinterest! https://www.pinter…

Ilya

What are you sending me, you naughty boy?

Bood

came across my feed

you said jane likes yoga, right?

figured you might wanna send her them

Ilya

You are the fucking best

Thank you!

Bood

the day cassie started doing morning yoga was the best day of my life 🙏

so i am merely trying to spread the word

Ilya

Boody

Why is pigeon pose so hot? 🥵

Bood

idk bro

you’d think it would be like downwards dog which like, yeah

but damn

cassie stretches out that quad and i forget my damn name

Ilya

We should legally be entitled to therapy

Bood

nah man, i’m happy where i am

no one come and save me

Ilya

Tell her to look up standing compass pose

Thank me later 😏

Bood

googling

holy shit dude

you’ll never see me again

Ilya

What a way to go

🙏Bood

Bood 🥵🏒

Monday October 29^th, 7.47pm

Bood

[image attached]

Ilya

Bood

My prince 👑

What the fuck is that

Bood

turducken

i’m practising for christmas

Ilya

Again

What the fuck is that

Bood

chicken inside a duck inside a turkey

Ilya

Why are you doing human centipede with birds?

Bood

aw man

does it really look that awful? 😩

Ilya

You know me, yes?

You know I love you like we shared a womb

That is a fucking travesty, darling

Bood

no but like

is it unserveably bad?

Ilya

Do you hate Cassie’s family?

Bood

no!

Ilya

Then you cannot serve them that.

Looks like you are serving them bird orgy that happened at the same time as a car crash

Bood

ah, fuck

Ilya

I should not be able to see that many bird assholes when I am holding a fork

Bood

okay man 😩

i’ll scrap it

god forbid a bitch takes a risk in the kitchen 💁

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday November 9^th, 9.01pm

Ilya

Barrett is hitting his stride now

You think?

Bood

for sure

newbies were all chatting earlier and they seem to gel with him

so i think we’re onto a winner with him

hazy’s a fan too and that guy is a crazy good judge of character

Ilya

Troy is a decent man

I think he just has not had a good locker room before

Bood

well it’s a good job he’s in the best one in north america then, right?

Ilya

Damn fucking right

Bood

plus

Ilya

…Plus? 👀

Bood

gossip mode engaged

you know what that means

Ilya

Yes yes

Nothing leaves the chat!

Tell me, you nosy bastard

What do you know!!

Bood

weeeeeeellllll

don’t you think harris seems awfully fond of him?

and i’m pretty sure it’s not one sided???

Ilya

Oh, I thought you were telling me information I did not know

My mistake!

Bood

man fuck off 😭

how did you clock that already??

do you have crazy gaydar or something

Ilya

Yes.

Hmm

There is an English phrase I have forgotten that I need to remember

Bood

yeah?

Ilya

Ah, I have it.

“It takes one to know one”

Bood

think you used that one wrong, brother

Ilya

No, I did not

Bood

huh

holy shit

well that was fucking stupid of me

holy shit x2

Ilya

Are you okay?

Bood

bro you do not get to come out to me and then ask me if i’m ok

are you ok?

Ilya

Right now, a little nervous

Bood

then i need to be totally clear

so, three things

1. completely fucking cool with me, brother

2. thank you for trusting me

3. completely fucking cool with me, once again

actually, four things

4. i love you very much

Ilya

You are sure?

Bood

YES

my king 👑

Ilya

No one else knows

And you know, Russia

Bood

oh fuck

i didn’t even think about that

that is fucking shit

it’s going nowhere to no one, promise

thank you for telling me!

Ilya

First time I have told anyone that in a while

Wow

Bood

you good?

Ilya

Yes, I am

Thank you

Bood

don’t thank me

i don’t need thanking for this

❤️Ilya

Ilya

By the way, is more like David than Otis or Ronan

Bood

bi?

Ilya

Yes

Bood

word

oh damn!!

does jane know?

Ilya

Yes, Jane knows

Bood

was she cool with it?

Ilya

Oh yes, not a problem

Knows I have been with both

Though she pretends like she does not get jealous when I talk about other people I had sex with before

Is very funny to watch

Gets all red like a tomato

“I don’t fucking care, Ilya”

And then I hear colours for three hours while she rides me 🔥🔥

Bood

there is no way in hell you’re doing 3 hours

Ilya

I come out to you and you call me a liar?

Bood

shut up

like are you actually being for real

3 hours???

Ilya

Not every time!

But yes

Bood

what

one day scientists will study your dick

Ilya

Then they will need a bigger lab 😏

Love you, darling

Bood

love you, dear

i can see you typing

if it’s another thank you i’m smacking you in the face at practise on sunday

Ilya

I will take the hit on this one

Thank you

👊Bood

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday November 17^th, 11.17am

Bood

https://vm.tiktok.co…

Ilya

Okay

This is our next Halloween costume

I call dibs on the red frog

Bood

what nooo

why??

Ilya

Green is not my colour

Bood

stop being so dramatic

you have that nice green sweater!

Ilya

That is teal, is different!

Matches my eyes

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday November 31^st, 7.17pm

Bood

[image attached]

ok we’ve moved on from turducken

thoughts?

Ilya

Jesus fucking Christ

Why is that salmon the size of a dog

Bood

got it from that new fishmongers in town

not convinced they’re not genetically modifying the fish but a man’s gotta feed 12 this christmas

Ilya

It looks delicious

But I am scared if I eat it that I will grow another ear on my chest or something

Bood

lemon miso glaze

served with sauteed asparagus

Ilya

Fuck 🤤

Maybe I would risk the extra ear for that

Bood

what i’m hearing is it’s an option

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday December 13^th, 4.04pm

Ilya

We need an intervention

Bood

this has gone on long enough

he’s hurting people

Ilya

We have to be delicate with it though.

I do not want to upset the balance of the locker room

Bood

i know, but he can’t keep doing this

people are starting to pull away

shit’s gonna hit the fan before long

Ilya

Hazy was not happy yesterday

He left without showering

Bood

it’s so complicated though

we can’t just come out with it

Ilya

I wish we could

It would make everything so easy

“Nick, you must stop singing in shower before someone commits an actual crime against you”

Bood

what about a temporary ban against all music in the locker room?

Ilya

If you want to be in a room with him while he sings acapella, go ahead

I will not be there ❌

Bood

fuck, maybe not

what music does he hate?

Ilya

Jazz

Like any sane person 🤢

Bood

fuck jazz

Ilya

Fuck jazz

Bood

do we suck it up for a week and play jazz until he shuts up?

Ilya

...That could work

Bood

fuck, wait

what if he starts scatting to it

Ilya

Oh my GOD

No no no no no no no

No jazz

We cannot run the risk

Bood

okay, i’ve got it

songs that aren’t in english

he can’t sing if he doesn’t know the words!!

Ilya

Boody, my prince

You are a genius!

Making a playlist now

Bood

put bad bunny on it

Ilya

Who the fuck do you think you are talking to

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday December 21^st, 6.25pm

Bood

are you ready to get fucking FESTIVEEEEE??

hey google play shots by lil jon

hey google play pour me a drank

hey google play tequila by the champs

Ilya

Okay

I have got 3 bottles of vodka

5 bottles of wine for the WAGs

12 bags of chips

My secret santa present

And gatorade for when Haas drinks too much

Bood

bro

why did you buy 12 bags of chips??

Ilya

Panicked in Whole Foods

But at least it means I AM READY!!

Time to fucking party 🕺🕺

Bood

hell yeah!!

sorry jane couldn’t make it tonight

we’ll get her here one day!

Ilya

Yes, we will

I am seeing her in 3 days though

Bood

ayoooo

you doing the whole break with her?

Ilya

Yes, and her parents!

God I am fucking excited

Bood

christmas with the in laws is big!!

Ilya

I know

It has taken me 2 weeks to decide what sweater to buy her dad

Bood

what did you land on?

Ilya

Nice v-neck from Ralph Lauren

Good cut, colour should work with his jackets

Bood

someone is competing for favourite son in law!!

Ilya

Jane is an only child

So I would be pretty fucked if I was not the favourite son-in-law

Bood

you staying at theirs?

Ilya

For a couple of days, yes

About to break records 👀

Bood

Ilya

Quietest anyone has ever been put through a headboard

Bood

for the love of god

will you stop dreaming about fucking your girlfriend and drive to me so we can PARTY

Ilya

Just this once

For you

See you soon! 💨

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday January 8^th, 4.47pm

Bood

tell the boys we’re wheels up in 45

Ilya

Why are you talking like Top Gun?

Wheels up, my ass

Haas is buying a dishcloth in airport gift shop

Holmberg is buying a “smoothie for the road”

Bood

god, we are the uncoolest fucking team around

Bood 🥵🏒

Sunday January 16^th, 9.00am

Ilya

How many planes do you think crash every year?

Bood

good morning, bood

why, good morning ilya! how did you sleep?

not bad thank you, bood! what about you?

thank you for asking, ilya! i slept fine and definitely didn’t have a nightmare about dying in a plane crash

Ilya

Sorry

Good morning, beautiful Boody ❤️

I have been thinking about it a lot

Bood

yeah, me too

cassie’s either desperate to talk about it or literally won’t mention it

Ilya

Jane keeps crying randomly

She keeps calling me and getting halfway through a conversation

She is back home now

I wish she was still here

Bood

that sucks dude

i’m sorry she’s gone

cass said she seems to be doing ok though?

Ilya

I think she is, mostly

The girls are good for her

I’m glad she has some friends out here now

Bood

they’re a good bunch

all seem to fucking love jane

Ilya

They have always had good taste!

Do you and Cassie want to come over for lunch?

I will cook lamb?

Bood

you ok?

Ilya

The house is just quiet

And Anya misses you

Bood

let me check with cass brb

well, she says we can’t let our goddaughter down

Ilya

1pm?

Bood

it’s a date

🐑Ilya

Bood 🥵🏒

Tuesday February 1^st, 12.15pm

Bood

okay, advice line

Ilya

Caller, you are live!

Bood

stuck between two necklaces for cassie for vday

https://www.hattonjewelle…

thoughts?

Ilya

First one, definitely

She will love it!

Bood

that’s what i thought too

thanks, dear

what are you getting up to with jane? are we going big again?

Ilya

Not me this year

She says that she is planning something, but it is in a few weeks

So just dinner, I think?

Bood

oooh, that sounds intriguing 👀

Ilya

She is very sneaky when she wants to be

Terrible liar but also very secretive 🤐

It makes absolutely no sense but I love it

Bood

just read that out loud and cass gave me what can only be described as

a look

Ilya

Interesting…

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday February 10^th, 3.22pm

Ilya

We should have placed a bet on Troy and Harris

Bood

KNEW IT

oh shit dude we are good

god they’re cute

Ilya

So cute!!

Bood

barrett’s like a different fella, i swear

Ilya

It is relief

Bood

yeah

you ok, bud?

Ilya

Yes, I am okay

Very happy for them

Promise ❤️

❤️Bood

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday March 4^th, 7.43am

Ilya

Need us to focus on breakaways today

I have spoken to Wiebe

Bood

on it

i’ll grab hazy and get him in place

Ilya

Try not to dazzle them all too much, darling

Bood

look, it’s my speciality

i won’t apologize for my gorgeous moves

Ilya

You are like a beautiful white wine

Bood

Ilya

Delicious on ice 😏

🤭Bood

Bood

you dog 😏

did jane surprise you yet??

the suspense is killing me man

Ilya

Not yet

Soon, apparently!

👀👀👀

Bood 🥵🏒

Friday March 11^th, 8.02pm

Bood

well?

anything yet??

Ilya

Ah, yes

🙊🙊🙊

Bood

dude

come on!!!

Ilya

Sorry, I am going through a tunnel!!

Pshhhhhkk pshhhhhk

You are breaking up!

Bood

you are the fucking worst 😩

Bood 🥵🏒

Saturday March 24^th, 6.02pm

Bood

stupid question but i’m gonna ask it anyway

are you ok?

Ilya

Not sure

Bood

whoever this brad is

me and the boys are taking a chainsaw to his face

him and fucking pike

Ilya

Pike is off limits, unfortunately

Shane would kill me

Everyone has seen it?

Bood

i got some weird google alert yesterday evening and clicked before i realised what it was

set down a hard line with the boys to not watch it

but holmberg and young have been making fake twitter accounts to report it all day

Ilya

But you saw it?

Bood

some of it, not all

once i figured out what i was watching, i clocked that it was absolutely not my business and dipped

Ilya

Fuck

This is a fucking shitshow

Bood

i’m so sorry, man

i am so fucking sorry

Ilya

Hey, at least you know why it was such big secret now

Bood

you don’t need to make jokes about this

Ilya

What else am I supposed to do

Bood

how’s hollander?

Ilya

Losing his fucking mind

I do not know how to fix this for him, Bood

Crowell wants to talk to us

Bood

the fucking commissioner??

why?

Ilya

I do not know, but I can guess

Bood

they have no fucking grounds to do anything to either of you

Ilya

I do not think that will stop them

Bood

i can tell you right now that if they touch your playing time, the whole team is sitting their asses down and not moving

that goes for both of you

Ilya

I do not deserve any of you

Bood

yes, you do

we’ve got your fucking back, and now we’ve got hollander’s too

check in when you can, ok?

Ilya

Okay

Bood

love you, king

❤️Ilya

Bood 🥵🏒

Monday March 26^th, 12.53pm

Ilya

I think I owe you explanations

Bood

nope

only what you wanna tell me

Ilya

Have you spoken to Cassie?

Bood

yeah

she told me the girls knew already

Ilya

I am sorry

Cassie called Shane after the plane in December

He was having panic attack and she could not make him calm down

But apparently the girls figured it out months ago

Bood

those girls could open up a detective agency, swear

and don’t apologize

it was your business to tell me

and i’m glad that cassie didn’t say anything while you guys were guarding this the whole time

Ilya

Okay, that is good

Bood

yeah

how are you both?

Ilya

I am fucking exhausted, Bood

But better than we were.

But it is now apparently everybody’s goddamn business who I am in love with

Which is what Shane was scared of the whole time

Bood

fuckers

how was the crowell meeting?

Ilya

He told us we could either pretend was a joke or get benched

Bood

what the entire FUCK

Ilya

We did not pick joke, obviously

Because it is not one

Also, another surprise

We are engaged!

Bood

wait, what?

holy shit

congrats man!!!

i shotgun best man

💕Ilya

i told you you’d be mr jane one day!

Ilya

You are a fortune teller

You should travel with circus

Bood

for real

are you ok if i ask some questions?

feel free to say no

Ilya

No no, it is okay

I want you to know everything, I have not enjoyed lying to you

Bood

how long?

Ilya

Ahh

Start with the hard one, yes?

We have been fucking since rookie season

Together officially about three years

In love with him probably since the day I met him

Bood

fucking hell man

over a decade?

Ilya

Probably, yes

He makes it very easy to be in love with him which is why it was so hard

Bood

fuck

same for him?

Ilya

Similar, I think

We were young and stupid

Fucked a few times a year and pretended that we were both fine with it just being that

Bood

is he good to you?

Ilya

In a way that I do not think I deserve yet

Bood

none of that!

Ilya

He is amazing, Boody

[Ilya is typing…]

Fuck, I do not have the words

He is just everything

Bood

and you’re happy?

Ilya

Happier than I thought I would ever be

Bood

then i’m happy

we’re all happy

jane, shane, who gives a fuck man

if he loves you and you love him, fuck it all

❤️Ilya

Ilya

When he is ready

I would like him to meet you and the team

Bood

honestly, as soon as he wants

haas will shit himself oh my god

Ilya

He really will

Bood

to be honest, we all will

but only because we’ve wanted to meet jane for so long

Ilya

I know.

I am sorry I have not said before

I did not want to keep this from you

Bood

stop apologizing to me

do you really think any of us would look at this and not understand why you guys kept it to yourself?

Ilya

To be honest

Part of me is so glad that we do not have to hide anymore

Felt like it was going to kill me

Bood

i get it

well, i don’t because how could i

but i understand

and i meant what i said

if they’re benching you, they’re benching the entire team

Ilya

You cannot ask that of the boys

Bood

i didn’t

they agreed it themselves on saturday, no one forced anyone

we love you, roz

Ilya

Fuck

Bood

just keep us updated ok?

Ilya

Okay

Bood

now, back to being ENGAGED???

Ilya

Yes, I think I have beautiful Cassandra and the WAGs to thank for that

He proposed a couple of weeks ago!

That was the surprise

Most romantic thing that has ever happened to me

Bood

i bet you crieeeeeeeeeed like a baby

Ilya

Non-stop for about five hours

Nicole B taught me a fun new word 👀

“Crymax”

Bood

oh, been there

Ilya

Oh really?

Bood

yup, recently

feel like trading a secret that the whole world knows for one that i need you to keep for approximately another 8 weeks?

as in like, you’ve gotta keep this to yourself

not even shane or i’m a dead man

Ilya

Swear on my life

???

Bood

it’s very early doors

but cass is pregnant

Ilya

Oh my god

OH MY GOD!!

BOODY!!

Bood

fucking hell, i know

i’m terrified, man

Ilya

You are going to be amazing

Most beautiful loving man in the world

(Apart from my Shane)

🙄Bood

You will be the best dad ever!!

❤️Bood

Are you excited?

Bood

fuck yes

feel like i’m going to cry or scream or maybe hurl at any given moment but oh my god yes

Ilya

Dibs on godfather??

Bood

that was never in question

Ilya

Yessssss

I will not let you down 💪

I am returning the favour from last April

And making you an Amazon wishlist!

Bood

thank you, darling

oh my god

wait

you ASSHOLE

NOW I KNOW WHY YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SO FUNNY

😂Ilya

Ilya

You have to admit now

It is funny!

Not like I have not been trying, though 👀

Bood

if you could knock him up at least we might have a shot at playoffs

Ilya

You see, a win for everyone!

You get Stanley Cup, I get tiny mini Shane Hollander

Actually fuck I cannot think about this right now

I already cried too much over the weekend

Bood

we’re gonna be those dads that cry at everything, aren’t we?

Ilya

One hundred percent

Bood

placing us an order for cargo shorts now

Ilya

Do not fucking dare

It is one thing to be out in public crying all the time

But I will not do it in cargo shorts

Bood

what size golf polo do you want?

Ilya

BOOD

What part of anything about me makes you think I will ever wear that

I will stay a sexy slutty European even when I am a father

Bood

nah you gotta shift into dad mode properly

start watching the tv standing up

throwing up when you brush your teeth

Ilya

I am in a relationship with another man

You think I will throw up from toothbrush down my throat?

I have so much to teach you

Bood

oh my god

a whole new world is opening up before my eyes

Ilya

Ah, Boody 👑

If you thought I was bad before

Bood

i feel like hollander will kill you for it though

Ilya

Oh yes, I am walking corpse if you ever tell him that you know he rides me for three hours

Bood

holy shit i forgot about that

what a fucking champ

in retrospect, only an athlete could have that level of stamina

Ilya

He is not number one in the league for nothing 😏

You also cannot tell him I find boring sexy

He already uses it against me enough

Bood

you’re so obvious with it though

the bookshelves had to be a dead giveaway that you’re after a bit of boring

Ilya

Bood

The man did our taxes last week

I almost fucking died

Bought me curl conditioner for my hair but put it on subscription because the annual price works out cheaper per month

It should be a new category on pornhub, frankly

Bood

you are so fucking gone for him

like you’re operating on levels of goneness i didn’t think existed

Ilya

He wears glasses for reading and he sent me a photo from the opticians

Nearly had a stroke

Rinses out every bit of recycling before it goes in the garbage

Bought me a personalized pill organizer that folds up for when I travel

He thinks I don’t know he is learning Russian on duolingo but I hear him getting angry at the owl while I am in the bathroom

Installed wire clips on the side of my bedside table because I tripped on my charger getting out of bed once

Stares at me every time I sneak a cigarette and makes me chew 3 pieces of gum before I can kiss him again

Asks me literally 500 questions a day like I am chatgpt

Tries to make me do yoga because he worries about my hip

Texts me to take the chicken out of the freezer and then 5 minutes later calls me because he knows I will already have forgotten to do it

Talks in his sleep sometimes and once it was just five minutes of him teaching someone how to make a backshot

Holy fuck

Sorry

I have never been able to tell anyone about this before

Bood

bub, if you could see the smile on my face right now!

i am fucking cheesing

you need to get him to a bbq pronto so he can meet everyone

Ilya

About to reveal something...

Sorry in advance!

He has already met the girls 😬

Bood

I BEG YOUR FUCKING WHAT

Ilya

Last month when you were at Hazy’s

He went to Wine Friday!

He loves them so much and said he had a great talk with Cassie

Bood

trying to be very cool and chill about this

failing

Ilya

I AM SORRYYYY

Bood

he was in my house???

and i didn’t know???

Ilya

Yes

Was still a secret! But the girls knew

He feels very safe with them and I want him to have that

Bood

stop being adorable when i’m trying to be mad at you

Ilya

Is it working?

Bood

pleading the fifth

Ilya

This is Canada

Bood

whatever

ok i will be fine about this soon

damn i can’t even be mad at cassie because she’s literally CARRYING MY CHILD

Ilya

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Bood

right, enough

go and hang with your man, future mr hollander

Ilya

For fuck’s sake, Bood

I only just stopped crying

😭

Bood 🥵🏒

Wednesday April 6^th, 3.45pm

Bood

the winds that tell me good news blew through wiebe’s office earlier

is it true??

are we back???

Ilya

Boody, darling

We are so back

See you on Friday, bitch! 😎

Bood

oh it’s on

it has never been this on before

the onnest anything has ever been

Ilya

Very important that we fuck up Toronto’s whole life

We are sending them home in bodybags

Bood

bro 💪

how’s hollander doing with montreal?

Ilya

Pike is fine, still trying to beg forgiveness like a nun from the 1600s

Boiziau was being a dick but has stopped now

Shane has not said anything about the rest of them which I do not think is good

Bood

we’re playing them on the 20th, right?

Ilya

Yes

Bood

then i want a list of who we’re killing on my desk by the 16th

Ilya

Consider it done, my prince 🫡

Bood 🥵🏒

Thursday April 21^st, 11.29am

Bood

drapeau’s got a broken jaw

out for the rest of the season

Ilya

Good

Evan should have broken it twice

Bood

shane ok?

Ilya

Yes, all fine

I was a very gracious sportsman last night

Congratulated him thoroughly for his two goals 😏

Bood

never have i spoken these words with such meaning

get some 🥹

Ilya

🥵🥵🥵

How is Cassie and the Boodlet?

Bood

morning sickness is doing a number on her

but they’re both all good 💕

Ilya

Good

Tell her I am sorry she will not be able to drink at my wedding

Bood

will do

hang on

your fucking wedding???

Ilya

Yes

It is on the calendar!

Bood

what

oh my god

ilya fucking rozanov

my best friend in the whole world

tell me you did not send your wedding invite by google calendar

Ilya

🫢

See you there!!

Chapter End Notes

there we have it!! i couldn't let this fic go without giving some love to my favourite friendship ever and no i do not care if i made it up! still unbelievably overwhelmed by the amount of love on this fic, thank you thank you times infinity! what a fucking fandom this place is

love y'all, unh (the sound is included in the message)

ps. i am an 'ilya is ridiculously intelligent' truther until i die / pps. mafs = married at first sight, trashy reality tv show where strangers get married / ppps. ilya cooking lamb for lunch on sunday is my ode to being british because i know that boy would fuck up a roast dinner

--

edit 02/05: you are all SO LOVELY!!! thank u for ur investment in this lil world and if you got even 10 mins of a smile out of it then i am a very happy part-time writer indeed. toying with the idea of turning this into a series - maybe not all texts, because part of me is dying to explore ilya's list of his fave things about shane a bit more. give me a hot sec to work out how to turn this into a series while being on anon because i am 100yo - and maybe keep a weather eye on the horizon?? if i can successfully figure out computah, wags and boodanov will 100% be back one day i promise <3 and who knows? maybe one day i'll even try my hand at the centaurs...

Afterword

Works inspired by this one: Cover art for "Ilya R has been added to the group chat." by Anonymous by mintsunshine105 (leftoflovely)

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