Preface
Ilya Rozanov's Goodreads Reviews
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at https://archiveofourown.org/works/87983266.
- Rating:
- Teen And Up Audiences
- Archive Warning:
- No Archive Warnings Apply
- Category:
- M/M
- Fandoms:
- Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types
- Relationship:
- Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov
- Characters:
- Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Rose Landry, Hayden Pike
- Additional Tags:
- Social Media, Humor, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Ilya Rozanov is a Menace, Shane Hollander Walks Ilya Rozanov Like A Dog, Coming Out, Outing, Relationship Reveal, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov Relationship Timeline Reveal, Twitter, Crack Treated Seriously
- Language:
- English
- Series:
- Part 3 of Alternative Relationship Reveals - there are no secrets that time does not reveal
- Collections:
- Ivy’s Alternative Relationship Reveals
- Stats:
- Published: 2026-07-05 Completed: 2026-07-12 Words: 13,068 Chapters: 2/2
Ilya Rozanov's Goodreads Reviews
Summary
Several MLH players have their phones hacked.
Most people find embarrassing photos.
Ilya Rozanov accidentally leaks five years' worth of sex reviews.
-
You know that TikTok trend where people rate how good the sex was in front of their partner?
Yeah. It's that.
UPDATED: (second chapter) July 12, 2026
Notes
Did I write this while waiting for my beta-reader to edit my other fic? Yes.
Does she know about this fic? No.
It can be our little secret :)Enjoy reading!! :)
@MLHHockeyNews ✔️BREAKING: Several MLH players’ phones have been hacked. Leaked photos and videos have started to appear on various accounts. Updates will come as we receive them.
@EvanMutchler21 Holy shit, is anyone seeing these leaks? Is it bad that I am looking
@EvaLindbar Dude, that’s someone’s private stuff. Don’t fucking look at that
@ShaydenDefenseLawyer Wow, Hayden has so many photos of his kids. I haven’t found the ones of him and Shane yet, but trust that I will
@SamBrooklyn I really feel like we shouldn’t be looking at this stuff
@ShaydenDefenseLawyer It’s going to be all over my timeline anyway
@SamBrooklyn Just feels wrong to actively search for it
@ShaydenDefenseLawyer you’re way overthinking this dude
@MLHHockeyNews ✔️BREAKING: More players are now involved. The people affected include players from every division and almost every team, as well as a handful of coaches. Stay tuned for more updates.
@GuardiansGirl71 Dude, some of these photos are crazy. Don’t think I’m not noticing the pictures of Johnson and Mitchell with women who are definitely not their wives…
@JessicaHansen For real, some of these photos are disgusting. I literally hate men
@Shanesleftbicep I’m so mad Shane Hollander wasn’t hacked
@MetrosDiva What a peculiar thing to say
@Shanesleftbicep Come on, like you wouldn’t have killed to get a little domestic Shane pic
@MetrosDiva I think I’ll live without violating our captain’s privacy tf
@RozanovsGirlfriend Anyone else curious about the locked folder on Ilya Rozanov’s account?
@RaidersFan81 Dude, leave it alone. I’m serious
@RozanovsGirlfriend But it’s for sure dick pics, right?
@RozanovsGirlfriend I fear I need to see the dick pics
@RozanovsGirlfriend Oh my god, someone unlocked the folder. Soldiers, I’m going in 🫡
@RozanovsGirlfriend HOLY SHIT
@RozanovsGirlfriend Holy shit, is anyone else seeing this????
@Jack_Sherer Seeing what? Rozanov’s massive dick? I don’t want to see all of that
@Jack_Sherer Fuck. Is this real?
@SamBrooklyn What?? What is it, a sex tape? Not surprised with Rozanov really
@Shanesleftbicep No fucking way
@EvanMutchler21 This is fucking disgusting
@EvaLindbar I’m gonna need you to shut the fuck up
@Shanesleftbicep Holy shit, there’s so many of them
@MetrosDiva Oh my god
Video one — December 2013, Montreal
Video begins with a shot of Ilya Rozanov lying down on a bed. The sheets are crumpled around him.
“Mm, I rate 7 out of 10. Very hot. Very sexy. Did not even need to touch his dick, he came so—”
“Rozanov.”
“Yes, Hollander?”
“What the fuck are you doing?”
Shane Hollander enters the frame, leaning onto the bed to look at the phone. He shoots Ilya a furious look.
“Are you taking a fucking video right now?”
“Yes, I rate our sex.”
“What the fuck!”
“Is like your Goodreads! You say you like to rate the books. You leave reviews. I do same. I leave reviews.”
“That isn’t even close to the same thing! Holy shit, Rozanov, this is so fucking stupid. What if someone fucking sees this? I can’t believe you would—”
Ilya sets the phone down to hold Shane’s face. Both are slightly out of frame.
“Hollander, you are having panic attack. Breathe.”
There is silence, but the sound of two people breathing at the same time is audible.
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
“You are good now?”
“Yes. I’m good. I still think it’s fucking stupid.”
“Is not stupid Hollander. Is science. Must record for posterity.”
“Where the fuck did you learn the word ‘posterity’?”
“From your boring dad.”
“You’ve never even met my dad.”
“Is what you think.”
Ilya wags his eyebrows suggestively. Shane slaps his arm playfully.
“You’re such an asshole…what did you rate it anyway?”
“7 out of 10.”
“A fucking 7? That’s such bullshit Rozanov. See if I ever sleep with you again, for fuck’s sa—”
“Is just for now, Hollander. Would not want to—how to say—peak early. Room to grow.”
“Room to fucking grow? What could I have done better?”
Ilya smirks at the camera before looking back at Shane.
“Guess you’ll have to find out.”
Shane audibly gulps, and the two of them stare at each other for a long moment.
“Alright, that’s enough of your fucking sex review.”
Shane leans toward the camera, and Ilya tries to pull it away from him.
“Wait, no, I have more to say! Shane Hollander’s dick is—”
Video ends.
Video two — June 2014, Las Vegas
The camera turns on, and Shane’s face fills the screen. He is shifting awkwardly and looking to his right.
“I’d uh—I would give it like an 8 out of 10. I think…”
He drifts off, still looking nervously to his right.
“I think it was obviously pretty hot and uh…well…it was kind of fun to show off a bit. Could have done without the showboating but—”
“What are you doing, Hollander?”
Shane looks to his right at someone off-camera.
“I am leaving a review. You said you wanted to do reviews, and you haven’t done one yet, so now I have to.”
“Hollander, I am not in mood.”
“Oh. Okay.”
Picture tilts up towards the ceiling so that only the top of Shane’s head is in the frame. There is a long silence.
“Why 8 out of 10?”
“What?”
“You say 8 out of 10. Why?”
“Oh. Well…”
“Well what?”
“It’s just…”
“Oh my god, Hollander, just speak.”
“We just didn’t kiss.”
Another long silence. Suddenly, the phone falls to the ground. In the background, there is an audible rustle of sheets and the sound of kissing. Someone lets out a little moan.
“Is better now?”
“Mm, maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Could be better.”
“You want more Hollander?”
“Mm.”
“So greedy.”
The kissing sounds begin again. After a while, the phone gets picked up again, and Ilya’s face fills the screen.
“Now is 10 out of 10.”
He turns the screen around so that Shane’s face is shown, his lips much more red and swollen than before.
“Yes? Is 10 now?”
“Possibly.”
Shane smirks and giggles slightly.
Video ends.
Video three — November 2014, Boston
“Hello camera. Is me, Ilya Rozanov. I am here again to give you the info. Give you the gossip. Was okay. Give a 6 out of 10. Hollander will not let me fuck him so cannot go higher. Says will mess up his game.”
The camera turns to face Shane, who has a hotel phone to his ear and flips off the camera as he talks.
“He is ordering me a burger to try to raise his score. Will not work. Only cake will work.”
Shane frowns and covers the phone with a hand.
“You want cake? I thought you said the burger.”
“Mm, yes. Want your cake Hollander. Need so bad. You are so cruel to keep from me.”
“Oh my god, you are so stupid I can’t—”
Shane uncovers the phone and continues to give his order.
Ilya zooms in on Shane’s face.
“Look at him, camera. He is so pretty, I cannot resist. Is so mean of him to meet me before game. Will be so distracted.”
Shane hangs up the phone and gives the camera a look.
“Yes, you’ve uncovered my whole plan. Step one: fuck Boston’s captain. Step two: never let him touch me again. Step three: win every—”
Ilya tackles him, pinning him against the bed and holding the camera up to his face. Shane is laughing and trying to push him off.
“See! He is so mean to me! Everyone says I am asshole, but is not true. Hollander is an asshole.”
“You wish you had this asshole.”
Hollander raises an eyebrow and looks up with a proud expression.
“Oh, he is funny now? And people say you are boring.”
Shane frowns.
“Who says that?”
“Me.”
Shane laughs. There's a knock at the door.
“Fuck you. I think our food is here.”
“Mm, no. My food is right here.”
Shane groans and shoves the camera away.
“Come on, get off me. I need to go get—”
Video ends.
Video four — October 2015, Boston
Video begins. The camera is shaking and is being held slightly lower than normal.
“Shhh. Must be very quiet. Come with me.”
The camera moves along a hallway. A hand reaches up and grabs at a door handle. The door opens to reveal a steamy bathroom. Someone is singing off-key in the background.
“Hmmmm but I don’t fall. I am titah ah um. Ricochet, you hmm hmm hmm. I am titanium.”
Someone giggles behind the phone. The phone zooms in on the upper half of a naked Shane Hollander in the shower. He’s rubbing soap into his hair, facing away from the camera.
“You shoot me down, but I don’t fall. I am—AH! WHAT THE FUCK ROZANOV!”
Ilya bursts out laughing behind the camera and sprints away. A very wet Shane Hollander, now wrapped in a towel, can be seen chasing him. Ilya and the phone suddenly fall to the ground as Shane tackles them. Ilya is screaming and singing.
“You shoot me down, but I won’t—”
Shane shoves a hand over Ilya’s face, using the other one to reach for the phone.
“I can’t believe you did that. I’m literally going to kill you. You’re dead Roz—”
Video ends.
Video five — November 2015, Montreal
Video begins with a smirking Shane on screen. He flips the camera around to reveal a sleeping Ilya Rozanov.
“Payback bitch.”
The camera zooms in on Ilya’s face. He is drooling onto the pillow and snoring loudly.
“Let it be known that Ilya Rozanov is the loudest snorer I have ever met.”
An uncapped Sharpie enters the screen. A hand slowly starts to draw on Ilya’s face. Ilya twitches but does not wake up.
The hand moves away to reveal its handiwork. A large ‘Go Metros’ has been written across Ilya’s forehead.
Shane turns the camera around and smirks at it before leaning over to give Ilya’s forehead a kiss.
Video ends.
Video six — January 2016, Boston
Video opens on an unamused Ilya.
“Two out of ten.”
Someone off-screen lets out an offended gasp.
“FUCKING TWO?”
“Yes. One for each point Metros win by.”
“Oh my god, you’re such a sore loser—”
Video ends.
Video seven — March 2016, Montreal
A sleeping Shane Hollander fills the screen. His face is completely relaxed, and he is facing upwards.
“Camera. You must know that Hollander sleeps like crazy person. He sleep on his back completely straight. Look.”
Camera pans down to reveal the rest of Shane’s body.
“Looks like he is dead. Is true, camera. I kill him…with my dick.”
Camera zooms in on Shane’s face.
Ilya begins whispering.
“Look at the freckles. They are so pretty.”
Camera is completely zoomed in on Shane’s cheeks, panning slowly over them.
“I think I love the freckles.”
Video eight — October 2016, Montreal
Video begins, and Shane is breathing hard, his eyes slightly misty.
“10 out of 10. I don’t fucking care. Oh my god, that was—”
“Hollander, are you seriously recording right now?”
Shane is still panting hard. Heavy breathing can also be heard off-camera.
“I don’t care. Holy shit, Rozanov. That was so good. Oh my—”
“Camera, your golden boy is very, very dirty. I think he like the handcuffs very—”
“Hey, don’t tell the camera that.”
“You are the one who turned on camera.”
“Doesn’t mean they get to know everything.”
“Is extra data. For science. Now we know what is a 10.”
“I’m not sure the scientific community needs this.”
“You did not go to school. How would you know?”
“Neither did you, asshole.”
“Yes, but is because I am sooo good at hockey. They beg me not to go to school. They beg me to be hockey player.”
“How is that different from me?”
“You have no choice. So bad at school, you must play hockey. Is only option.”
“Oh, come on, I’m going to drop the score to a 9.”
“No, cannot change data. Is bad scientific practice.”
“You’re so fucking strange.”
“You love it.”
“I fucking don’t.”
Video ends
Video nine — November 2016, Boston
Video begins. Someone is in the shower off-screen. Ilya’s face is very close to the screen. He’s whispering.
“Is another 10 out of 10, camera. Hollander is cowboy.”
He winks.
“Is very good cowboy. He rides so well.”
He turns the camera around as Shane walks out of the bathroom in a towel, running a hand through his wet hair.
“Yee haw.”
Video ends
Video ten — December 2016, Boston
Ilya is very visibly drunk. He is in a club, and the music is playing loudly. He puts the camera right next to his mouth.
“Is over, camera. No more reviews. He left me.”
Ilya hiccups. The camera backs up for a moment, and there are obvious tears in his eyes.
“He is dating Rose Landry now. I made mistake. I call him Shane, and he leave.”
His voice breaks.
“I keep watching videos. Shane told me to delete them, but I do not want. He is gone. He cannot tell me what to do.”
Ilya takes another long drink. The camera is shaking slightly. It’s hard to hear what he says next over the music.
“Did not think it would hurt so much. Cannot stop thinking about him.”
Video ends.
Video eleven — January 2017, Boston
Ilya is drunk again, and he’s holding a bottle of vodka against his chest. He is at home on the couch. Ilya is talking to the camera.
“Shane. I miss you.”
He sniffs and wipes a stray tear from his cheek.
“I am sorry. I push too hard.”
He takes a long swig of vodka.
“I do not want to go to All-Stars. Do not want you to talk to me. Do not want you to tell me you are engaged to Rose fucking Landry.”
He wipes another tear away.
“I would marry you if you asked. Do not marry her, Shane. I think it would kill me.”
He takes another drink.
“I will go to All-Stars. Because I am stupid. Because I want to see you. Want to see your freckles. I love your freckles. You should not have let me love your freckles.”
Ilya looks up at the ceiling, blinking hard.
“Will look at freckles when you tell me you marry her.”
Video ends.
Video twelve — January 2017, Tampa
Video shows a smiling Shane Hollander lying on a hotel bed, gazing at the person behind the camera.
“So? What’s it this time?”
“What is what?”
“What’s my score?”
“Mm, I do not know.”
“What! No, come on, tell me.”
“Bossy, bossy. You like giving orders, Captain?”
“You can’t keep calling me Captain. It’s just for All-Stars.”
“But I like it so much.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, Captain.”
Shane blushes and buries his face into the bed, laughing. He lets his head fall to the side so he’s looking at Ilya again.
“So you’re not going to rate it?”
“No. Is not rateable. Is too good.”
Shane gives the camera a soft smile.
“Too much, too good?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“Mm. Can’t believe you’re depriving the world of that kind of information.”
“Do not want the world to know.”
“No?”
“No. Is all mine.”
Shane lets out a pleased hum. He reaches out to grab the camera and turns it around to show them both side by side. Both are smiling.
Shane kisses Ilya on the cheek, and Ilya turns to him and smiles.
“Yours?”
“Yes. Mine.”
“Okay.”
Video ends.
Video thirteen — April 2017, Montreal
Shane is lying down on a hospital bed. He is giving the camera a wide smile, and his eyes are half open.
“Heeeeyyy! Heeeeyy camera!”
“Shane, how did you get that?”
“I would give Ilya a 100 out of 10. He is soooo pretty. His curls are—”
“Shane, really. Was in my pocket. How did you—”
“His curls bounce. I really like the bounce.”
“Wow, okay—”
“His accent is so hot. I want him to whisper in my ear when he—”
“Shane. Maybe stop talking, okay.”
Shane gives someone off-camera a dopey smile, his head rolling to the side.
“Okay. If you say so.”
“I say so.”
Shane moves one hand from the camera out to the side.
“Can you hold my hand again?”
“...Okay.”
There is a long silence. A hand reaches towards Shane and starts stroking his hair. Shane leans into the touch.
“I really want you to come to my cottage.”
“I know. You say this.”
“Mm, but I really, really want it.”
“I know Shane. I say maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Yes, maybe.”
“Okay. Maybe.”
Shane giggles.
Video ends.
Video fourteen — July 2017, Somewhere outside Ottawa
The camera is facing towards a TV.
“See! I win! Here is proof, camera.”
“You literally cheated the entire time.”
“Cannot cheat at video game, Shane. I am better. Best hockey player ever.”
“It’s not even hockey! It’s a fucking video game.”
“A video game that I win.”
“Barely. Barely!”
“So you admit it.”
“I admit nothing.”
The camera falls to the floor as Ilya tackles Shane, both of them laughing.
“Say it!”
“Never!”
Ilya rests his body on top of Shane’s, holding him down.
“Shane.”
“Ilya.”
Ilya reaches down to grab the camera and zooms in on Shane’s face. Shane isn’t looking at the camera at all. His face is staring lovingly at the person behind it.
“I am best hockey player.”
“Mm.”
“Say it.”
“I’d rather die.”
“I hate you.”
Shane smiles.
“No, you don’t.”
There is a long pause.
“No. I don’t.”
Video ends.
Video fifteen — July 2017, Somewhere outside Ottawa
Shane is in a kitchen. He is frowning as he looks over a pot, tossing in more salt.
“He cooks for me, camera. He wants to feed me.”
Shane opens another cabinet, grabbing another bottle of seasoning and adding it to the pot. His hair is sticking up in weird directions, and the glasses he is wearing are fogged up from the steam. He glances at the recipe next to him.
“He is so beautiful. Want to keep to myself but cannot. Have to show you how beautiful he is.”
Shane glances over at him, frowning.
“Are you going to help me, or are you just going to watch?”
Camera shifts as Ilya gets up and moves into the kitchen. Ilya gives Shane a little kiss on the cheek, and Shane blushes.
“Will help. What do you need, moya lyublov?”
Video ends.
Video sixteen — July 2017, Somewhere outside Ottawa
Camera pans over a lake. The sun is rising slowly, and the water is reflecting the pink and orange hues. A bird calls in the background.
The video holds on the lake for a long time.
Video ends.
Video seventeen — July 2017, Somewhere outside Ottawa
Shane and Ilya are both lying on a bed. Their bare chests are visible. Neither of them is looking at the phone.
“Ya.”
“Ya.”
“Tebya.”
“Tebya.”
“Lyublyu.”
“Lublu.”
“Eh, no. Lyublyu.”
“Lyublyu.”
“Yes, close. Now all together. Ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Yes, almost. One more time. Ya tebya lyublyu.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu.”
Ilya smiles widely and gives Shane a long kiss. He pulls away, still looking at him.
“Ya tozhe tebya lyublyu.”
Video ends.
Video eighteen — October 2017, Montreal
Video opens on Shane’s face. He looks a little disgusted.
“Well, Ilya. A promise is a fucking promise, I guess.”
He backs away from the camera, letting it show his whole body. Shane is wearing a Boston Raiders jersey and a pair of boxers that are barely visible beneath it. He turns around to show off the Rozanov name on the back.
Shane sighs and crowds the camera again.
“This is so fucking stupid. I hope you’re happy. If anyone sees that, I’ll kill you.”
He pauses for a moment, thinking, before deciding to blow the camera kiss.
“I miss you so much. Long distance sucks. I love you. Call me later.”
Video ends.
Video nineteen — November 2017, Montreal
The camera focuses on Ilya and the faces of two small girls.
“Okay, girls. You know plan. Ready?”
“Ready!”
“Okay, go go go.”
He pushes the girls forward. They giggle and start running across the house, Ilya following them from a distance, holding the camera low.
Hayden Pike can be seen in the kitchen. He glances up at the two running girls.
“Daddy! Daaaaaddy!”
“DAD! DAAAAD!”
“Jesus. What? What’s going on?”
“Arthur did something?”
“Shi—I mean, shoot. What did Arthur do? Did he spill something again?”
“No, he found Uncle Ilya’s lighter.”
“Wait, wait. What? What do you—”
“The trashcan is on fire.”
“HOLY SHIT.”
Hayden drops the towel he is holding and books it towards the stairs. Ilya follows him from a distance, trying not to laugh.
“ARTHUR NO!”
Hayden trips and falls, smacking hard against the stairs. Ilya, Ruby, and Jade all burst out laughing. The camera is shaking violently.
Hayden looks behind him in confusion and sees Ilya with the camera.
“Oh my fucking—are you fucking kidding me, Rozanov! What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Laaaanguage, Pike. Language.”
The laughing intensifies, and Hayden groans, slowly standing up from the stairs.
Video ends.
@Shanesleftbicep
HE CALMED SHANE DOWN FROM A PANIC ATTACK BEFORE THEY WENT BACK TO ARGUING ABOUT THE SCORE???
WHAT IS THIS???
@Boston4Everrr
Literally what am I watching right now
@RaidersNation81
Wait.
There are timestamps on these
THESE SPAN FIVE YEARS
@MetrosDiva
I came here expecting leaked nudes and somehow ended up emotionally invested in an enemies-to-lovers plot???
@WomanInTheCrease
Can we all agree that "We just didn't kiss" is maybe the craziest sentence to come out of this entire leak?
@HockeyGirl94
IT WASN'T EVEN THE SEX. HE JUST WANTED MORE KISSING
@RaidersNation81
The "I think I love the freckles" video absolutely destroyed me
@Shanesleftbicep
WHY DOES HE KEEP FILMING SHANE ASLEEP
@NinaWeston
because he's in love???
@MLHMeemes
"No, cannot change data. Is bad scientific practice."
New reaction image just dropped
@StatsProf
As a statistician, I appreciate Rozanov's commitment to methodological consistency
@FrecklesDefenseLeague
"Want to see your freckles."
I am suing literally everyone involved
@Boston4Everrr
Not Ilya saying he’d marry Shane. I’m literally sobbing at 10 am
@RozysCowboy
"Is cowboy." I know exactly what that means and I wish I didn't
@EvanMutchler21
I watched these expecting sex tapes
I watched nineteen videos
I cried four separate times
@SportsNetInsider
This has somehow become less of a hacking story and more of a documentary about two people falling in love
@GuardiansGirl71
The way the reviews slowly stop mattering...
@PuckAndPoetry
Video 1: "7 out of 10."
Video 12: "No. Is not rateable. Is too good."
I'm sick
@HockeyGirl94
He literally kissed him on the forehead after writing GO METROS across his face. Oh! Okay! Im going to be very chill about this
@EvaLindbar
THE HOSPITAL VIDEO???
"Can you hold my hand again?"
I'm logging off
@ShaneDefenseSquad
Drugged Shane: "I want you to come to my cottage"
Peak romance actually
@JessicaHansen
The lake video is the saddest one
@GuardiansFan22
Nothing sad even happens?
@JessicaHansen
Exactly.
@ShaneHollandersGirlfriend
Gonna need every angle of Shane Hollander in Rozanov’s jersey…for science
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
No. Does not need peer review
@CaptainClutch
The "Goodreads for sex" explanation somehow becomes LESS insane the more videos you watch
@IlyasMissingTooth
Imagine being the hacker thinking you found blackmail and accidentally releasing the cutest relationship archive ever recorded
@MLHHockeyNews ✔️
UPDATE: Several of the leaked videos featuring Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov have now exceeded ten million views across multiple platforms.
@BradWilcox
This is horrible. I can’t believe any of you are supporting this. They probably threw games for each other. Fucking disgusting
@ShaneDefenseSquad
Fuck off Brad, they literally play better against each other. Look at literally any statistics
@BradWilcox
Oh and I’m just supposed to believe the statistics?
@ShaneDefenseSquad
To quote my good friend Ilya Rozanov (words I never thought I would say):
Is science
@TaylorSwiftLovr13
I don't even watch hockey. Who the fuck is Hollander? Why do I care about his freckles?
@EmilyWatson
As someone who actually uses Goodreads, I have never felt so represented
@Sports_Photos_Official
I checked my archives and there are hundreds of photos where Rozanov is looking at Hollander when he thinks nobody is watching.
How did we miss this?
@MLH_Official ✔️
Shane Hollander (Montreal Metros) and Ilya Rozanov (Boston Raiders) have been suspended indefinitely pending investigation
@HockeyGirl94
What investigation??? Your honors, they’re in love WTF?
@FrecklesDefenseLeague
Aw hell no, what is actually wrong with the MLH #CrowellIsOverParty
@SportsNetInsider
And yet Dallas Kent is still playing? After his photos basically confirmed all of the assault allegations? Interesting.
@BostonRaiders ✔️
We are disappointed with the league’s response to the phone leaks. We stand behind our Captain Ilya Rozanov and congratulate him on his relationship. We encourage the league to rethink the suspension. #RaidersStrong #LetsGoRaiders
@MetrosDiva
Nothing from the Metros…#noticing
@QuitPuckingAround
Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander play better when against each other. See the attached link for my full write-up and replication file #IsScience #CrowellIsOverParty
@HockeyGirl94
They’ve been together the entire time. THE ENTIRE TIME. #LetThemPlay
@HockeyGirl94
Their playing didn’t change when they started dating because THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER THE ENTIRE TIME #LetThemPlay
@RoseLandryStan
Tough time to be a Rose Landry fan…
@CaptainClutch
Bitch, ain't no one thinking about Rose Landry right now
@RoseLandryStan
Ilya Rozanov certainly was
@HaydenPike ✔️
I am disgusted by the league's reaction. I have played with Shane Hollander for years, and not once has he ever not played his hardest. He has put his heart and soul into this team and this league. The fact that this is even in question is blatant discrimination. #LetThemPlay #CrowellIsOverParty
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Wow Pike. Did you write yourself? Very impressive
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
You are now fourteenth best Metro
@HaydenPike ✔️
Fuck you
@HaydenPike ✔️
Does your boyfriend know you have your phone back?
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Yes of course. Would never lie to him
@HaydenPike ✔️
Great. So if I texted him right now…
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
DO NOT TEXT SHANE. Will set fire to your house for real
@HaydenPike ✔️
That’s what I thought
@PuckAndPoetry
"I think I love the freckles"
"Want to see your freckles"
"Should not have let me love your freckles"
Please explain yourself.
#LetThemPlay #CrowellIsOverParty
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Have you seen them? They are very good freckles. Is science
@PuckAndPoetry
ILYA ROZANOV???
@PuckAndPoetry
Well played.
@RoseLandry ✔️
I am extremely disappointed in the MLH. There is nothing wrong or illegal about two hockey players dating each other. Pretending this is about competitive integrity is disgusting. Do better. #LetThemPlay #CrowellIsOverParty
Also, my apologies to @IlyaRozanov81. I would not have taken your man if I had known.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Is okay. Thank you for telling him he is gay
@ShaneDefenseSquad
I’m sorry. WHAT
@FrecklesDefenseLeague
Didn’t Shane start dating Rose YEARS after he started hooking up with Rozanov?? And he didn’t know???
@Boston4Everrr
What even is today…I need to go lie down
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Although having the decision to disclose our relationship made for us isn't ideal, we would like to announce, officially, that we are in a committed, romantic relationship, and have been for a while. We wish we could have told you in our own way.
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
We know that our relationship will be difficult for a lot of people to accept and understand. We have never let our personal relationship interfere with our competitiveness on the ice, and we believe our career achievements show that very clearly. We've always kept personal and professional separate, and we hope our teams, our fans, and the league can do the same.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Hoes mad I pull hottest man in league
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Hoes mad they cannot have him
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Hoes trying to bench me. Cannot hold me back
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Ilya.
This post has been deleted
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Although having the decision to disclose our relationship made for us isn't ideal, we would like to announce, officially, that we are in a committed, romantic relationship, and have been for a while. We wish we could have told you in our own way.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
We know that our relationship will be difficult for a lot of people to accept and understand. We have never let our personal relationship interfere with our competitiveness on the ice, and we believe our career achievements show that very clearly. We've always kept personal and professional separate, and we hope our teams, our fans, and the league can do the same.
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Better
@RozysCowboy
Walk him like a dog
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Woof.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Shane has put phone away. So now I say to you all
Sex after leak: 10/10
Sex before hockey suspension: 10/10
Sex after hockey suspension: 10/10
Sex after twitter post: 10/10
Everybody want to know what I'd do if I didn't win... I guess we'll never know.
@PuckAndPoetry
SIR
@FrecklesDefenseLeague
Wow, Shane’s going to kill him, isn’t he
@ShaneDefenseSquad
Can’t believe my new favorite couple is going to break up
@RozysCowboy
They’re not breaking up????
@ShaneDefenseSquad
Well they’re not going to be able to date when Rozanov is dead
@RozysCowboy
Touche
This post has been deleted.
@RozysCowboy
Damn he got him
@FrecklesDefenseLeague
RIP Ilya Rozanov. Died doing what he loved
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
*doing who he loved
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
@ShaneHollander_Official 10/10
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
I’m burning your phone
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Worth it.
Chapter End Notes
As someone who is very new to Twitter...I did my best.
I hope you enjoy this little one-shot! I got sad about the fact that Shane and Ilya don't have any photos together, and then this just...happened.
Hopefully this fic shows my range as an author haha. Hard swing from MCD to fluff to psychological angst to social media crack. I contain multitudes.
Thanks for enduring my first attempt at a social media fic. Coming up with Twitter usernames is harder than I thought. I apologize to the people from my high school whose first or last names were borrowed 😅
Update 7/19: really quick second apology. I realized that a couple of the usernames I got from another fic are ones seen in ai fics…did not realize that...they have been changed haha
Chapter 2
Chapter Summary
Five years of accidental internet fame turns into years of intentional oversharing.
aka
A collection of videos posted during Shane and Ilya's first few years as Centuars.
(implied canon divergence)
Chapter Notes
You know when a big studio takes a chance on a small indie director, and then the movie becomes a massive hit unexpectedly? And then the big studio asks the indie director to make a sequel? And the little ole director says no because they don’t want to compromise their artistic vision? But then the movie keeps making money, and eventually the director decides to sell out and make that sequel? And then it’s not nearly as good as the first one and might even be bad, and everyone’s like…damn I almost wish the sequel had never happened because now I can never look at the first movie the same?
Yeah. This is that.
Thank you all for being the studio that took a chance on me <3
(hopefully you still like it though haha)
Note: Long Game spoilers ahead, but at some point, everything shifts a year up from canon
Edit (more important so it’s at the top): I have decided to remove one of the jokes from this fic. I got enough pushback for it and have decided to delete it. Trust that I did not intend for it to come across in the way that it did. It was mostly meant as a TikTok sound reference.
That being said. Someone who recommended this fic on threads got harassed in their comments and DMs for the joke. They did not make the joke. I did. Do not attack fic recommenders for fics and jokes they did not write.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: June 2018
A finger taps the camera a few times before moving away to reveal a grinning Ilya Rozanov.
“Is this thing on?”
Ilya flops down on the couch, carrying his phone in front of him. He is holding a tiny microphone.
“Hello internet! Shane says I am not allowed to rate our sex online anymore, but I tell him that we have to make content. We are influencers now. Very internet famous.”
A voice calls out from off-camera.
“We already were internet famous, Ilya.”
“Psshh. We play stupid hockey. This is real. This is bigger than hockey.”
“Wow, bigger than hockey. You might as well retire now. Let me beat all of your records.”
“No, I cannot retire, or my boyfriend will not think I’m good enough for him. He is hockey-sexual. Is only turned on by very good hockey.”
Ilya taps the phone so that the camera flips around to show an unamused Shane Hollander, reading on the couch opposite him and wearing glasses.
“I’ve got no idea why he’s dating you then.”
“What! Shane, I have so many awards! I have more than you.”
“And yet only one cup.”
“Still a cup!”
“Years ago. Ages ago, really.”
“Shane, you are so mean to me.”
Ilya giggles off-camera, making the phone shake.
“Do it again.”
Shane pushes his glasses further up on his face.
“Even Hayden has more cups than you.”
There is a long pause. Shane just smirks.
“Okay, was too mean. Break up happening now. Zero out of ten, internet.”
The phone drops down. Shane can be heard cackling in the background.
Video ends.
@ShaneDefenseSquad THEY'RE BACK. EVERYBODY WAKE UP
@RozanovsGirlfriend SHANE PLEASE. PLEASE LET HIM POST VIDEOS
@InHellanov Istg if anyone messes this up for me I will literally strangle them with the laces on my hockey skates
@Jack_Sherer you have hockey skates now??
@InHellanov never doubt my ability to hyperfixate
@InHellanov anything you can hyperfixate on, I can hyperfixate on better
@HaydenPike ✔️ Wow. 'Even Hayden?' Thank you for the resounding compliment, Shane. More like “Hayden was crucial to our ability to win both cups”
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ Uh huh. You tell yourself that
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ No Shane he’s right. Without the support of our fans, would not be able to do what we do <3
@HaydenPike ✔️ I hate that you two are dating
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Wow pretty homophobic pike #HaydenPikeIsOverParty
@HaydenPike ✔️ @ShaneHollander_Official control your man #ShaneWalksIlyaLikeADog
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ … #HaydenPikeIsOverParty
@HaydenPike ✔️ You’re both banned from my house
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: June 2018
Video opens with a shot of Ilya’s face. The camera is held below his jaw, facing upward.
“Fit check!”
Ilya moves the camera, setting the phone on the kitchen counter. Both he and Shane are standing side by side in red-and-black jerseys. Ilya throws an arm around Shane’s shoulders. Both are grinning.
“Big announcement, internet! Shane and I are now Centaurs! Woooo!”
“Yes, we’re very excited to tell you all that beginning this next season, Ilya and I will be joining Ottawa’s own—”
“Shane, give them a spin.”
“What?”
“A spin. Give camera a spin. Show off for me, I want to watch.”
Shane gives Ilya a sharp look, but does, in fact, stick his arms out and give the camera a little spin.
“Yessss, Hollander! So sexy. Look so good in red and black.”
Shane finishes his spin and gives the camera a look. Ilya gestures to the back of Shane’s jersey.
“I want to put Rozanov on the back, but he would not let me.”
“Mm, but it wouldn’t be as special if I wore a jersey with your name on it all the time.”
Ilya winks at the camera.
“Is true. Do not know if I could play if you wear jersey with ‘Rozanov’ on it. Would probably jump you on the ice. Is pavlov response.”
“Pavlov. Good word.”
Ilya shoots him a look.
“Shane. Pavlov was Russian”
“Oh.”
Ilya giggles and claps his hands together.
“So! Internet. I give matching uniforms a 100 out of 10. But—”
Ilya holds up one finger.
“I give logo a two out of ten. Could be better. Needs work. I suggest Shane’s face, but they will not let me.”
“Gee, I wonder why.”
“I think is because it makes no sense.”
“Well yeah, of course it—”
“You are never the horse. Always the rider.”
“Okay, I think we’re done here.”
Video ends.
@CentaursCentral ALL I DO IS WHAT? WIN. I WIN EVERY SINGLE TIME
@MetrosDiva Now who in Montreal do I have to blame for this
@MetrosManiac SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING? THERIAULT?? CROWELL? TRUDEAU
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Who would have thought that your best bet on that list would be Justin Trudeau
@Ottawa_Centaurs_Official ✔️We are so happy to have both of you on the team!
@HarrisDrover wish you had cleared this video before posting it though…
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ The artist does not consult the critic
@InHellanov Does this mean that Shane canonically wears Ilya’s jersey during sex
@Jack_Sherer Canonically?? Canonically. I’m begging you to touch grass
@InHellanov No. #SexTapeWhen #SexTapeNow #IlyaRozanovImBeggingYou
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ keep your DMs open
@InHellanov OH MY GOD REALLY???
This comment has been deleted
@InHellanov Yeah I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. That’s on me folks
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: June 2018
The video opens on an inconsolable Ilya Rozanov sobbing.
“Internet loooook!”
Ilya, still crying, turns the camera around to show Shane holding a white dog. The dog has a little heart emoji photoshopped over it.
“Is so beautiful! I cannot. This is the best day of my life.”
Shane gives the phone a flat look.
“We got a dog.”
“We got a puppy! Her name is Anya!”
More sniffles can be heard in the background as Ilya moves closer.
“She is so cute, Shane! I think I am dying. She is a ten out of ten—No! She is 1,000 out of 10. Look at her internet! Look at her in my big, strong boyfriend’s arms.”
There are quick breaths off-screen.
“Shane, I think I am going to pass out. I love her so much. I love her more than you already. I would die for her—”
“Wow. You really know how to make a guy feel special.”
“She is not a guy, Shane. She is a girl. I know you do not know how to handle women in any species but—”
“I’m obviously talking about me, Ilya. Fuck you.”
“Pssshh, you are no one to me now. You are hot man who carry my daughter.”
Ilya gasps.
“Shane. We must put heart over her face before we show internet. Cannot post children online. This is what Jackie tells me—”
“Oh, you mean when she yelled at you for posting Jade and Ruby?”
“Shhh, she forgives me. And I understand. We must protect our children.”
“She’s a dog, Ilya.”
“I carried her in my womb. Very difficult pregnancy. Must now protect her from all the bad internet things.”
“Yeah, I hear there’s all sorts of stuff on there. I heard someone posted a bunch of sex reviews recently.”
“See, Shane! Internet cannot be trusted. Disgraceful. Horrible. Not on my Christian wifi.”
“I’m begging you to get off Twitter.”
Video ends.
@EvaLindbar Oh my god, they have a dog
@InHellanov UGH. When is it my turn??? When can I be Hollanov adopted?
@FrecklesDefenseLeague I can’t believe Shane would be so cruel. To reject his own child like that?
@PuckAndPoetry She has Shane’s eyes
@InHellanov His big brown bottom eyes 🥰
@Jack_Sherer I’m begging you to log off
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: June 2018
Video opens on Shane cooking in the kitchen. He has his glasses on again.
“Internet, you know I love this man. But this is a three out of ten. Look at this.”
The camera zooms in on the two plates Shane is preparing. They both contain a large piece of salmon. Shane is scooping a healthy portion of asparagus and brown rice onto them.
“He is trying to kill me, internet. No sugar. No spice. No sauce. No happiness—”
“It’s healthy!”
“Is torture.”
“Ilya, you are a professional athlete. Professional athletes don’t just eat McDonald’s every day.”
“But it is so good, Shane, you do not understand—”
“Ilya.”
“Yes moy lyubimyy?”
“Go set the table.”
“Okay.”
Ilya puts the phone down so it faces the ceiling. In the background, you can hear a drawer being opened and silverware being pulled out.
“Can I use ketchup?”
“No.”
Video ends.
@CliffMarleau ✔️ Wow. We’ve been trying to get him to eat a vegetable for years
@RozanovsGirlfriend Is…Is Ilya Rozanov…a child?
@Brad_Hammersmith✔️ Nah. Children know how to tie their shoes
@IlyaRozanov81✔️ You trip on your skate laces one time, and suddenly you cannot tie your own shoes
@CliffMarleau✔️ You wish it was just once
@PuckAndPoetry Um anyone uncomfortable with how controlling Shane is?
@RozysCowboy No for real like #FreeRozanov
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ No
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Do not free me
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Don’t you dare fucking free me
@RozysCowboy Hey man, okay my bad
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: July 2018
The video opens on a close-up of Shane.
“Come get ready with me to ruin my boyfriend’s life.”
There is a sound of something uncapping, and Shane leans closer to the camera so that he can see himself better.
“Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this might be a little harsh—”
He lifts a concealer stick and starts applying it on his cheeks.
“But he has left his socks on the living room floor every day for the last two weeks—”
He rubs the concealer in with a finger, applying more where necessary.
“But not for much longer.”
Shane lifts the phone and flips the camera around, walking down the hallway into the living room where Ilya is playing with Anya.
“Shane! Look, I taught Anya to—”
He drops the toy that he is holding and gawks at Shane.
“SHANE WHAT THE FUCK!”
Ilya almost trips running towards the camera. His eyes are wide.
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR FRECKLES!”
“That’s what you get when you leave your socks—Ilya—Ilya what—”
Ilya starts furiously rubbing at Shane’s cheeks with his thumb.
“Ilya—stop—”
Ilya licks his thumb and continues his rubbing.
“Ew, Ilya! That’s so gross, stop!”
“WHY IS IT NOT FUCKING COMING OFF, SHANE. SHANE, WHAT DID YOU DO?”
“Nothing! It’s just a bit of concealer, Ilya. ILYA—”
Ilya grabs Shane’s face between both hands and licks his cheek. Shane shoves him.
“No! Come back! I think it was working!”
“THAT’S SO FUCKING GROSS, ILYA.”
“Please, you did not mind my tongue so much last night—”
“For fuck’s sake it was just a bit of concealer!”
“Where did you get concealer?”
“I got it from Rose!”
“FUCKING ROSE?”
“Ilya—”
“I HATE HER. I HATE HER SO MUCH. SHE ALREADY TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE ONCE. NOW SHE DO IT AGAIN.”
“Okay, so obviously this didn’t go as planned—”
Video ends.
@ShaneDefenseSquad Wow. I mean. I don’t even know what to say
@RozanovsGirlfriend My god, Ilya left a couple of socks in the living room and Shane responded with domestic terrorism
@JessicaHansen Have you ever smelled a hockey player's socks? He’s valid
@RozanovsGirlfriend Have we forgotten the original text so quickly? The freckles?? That’s like responding to a little shove with a fucking nuclear bomb
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Can’t believe Rose Landry was found at the scene of the crime once again
@HollanovHotties when she gets kidnapped irl by Ilya Rozanov, I won’t even be a little surprised
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️I thought we agreed not to post this one
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️The people must know. They must know what Rose Landry did to me
@RoseLandry ✔️🤣🤣🤣🫵🫵🫵
@RoseLandry ✔️And I’d do it again
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Evil evil woman
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Don’t believe everything you see on the internet
Timestamp: April 2018
Rose and Ilya are both holding glasses of wine and wearing matching boas and sunglasses. A movie is playing in the background. Ilya is holding a wooden spoon like a microphone.
“Honey, honey, how he kills me. Uh huh. Honey honey. Shane! You are the honey!”
Ilya points to a person behind the camera. Rose picks up the TV remote.
“Ooo ah ah ah ooooo”
“Honey, honey, nearly kill me. Uh huh. Honey honey.”
Ilya sets down his wine glass and grabs Rose’s hand, giving her a spin.
“The way that you kiss goodnight.”
Rose leans into the spoon Ilya is holding.
“The way that you kiss me goodnight”
“The way that you hold me tight.”
“The way that you’re holding me tight.”
“I feel like I wanna sing when you do your—”
Both Ilya and Rose turn to Shane with matching grins. They both sing at the same time.
“Thing!”
There is a long sigh from behind the camera.
“Four out of ten.”
“Boo, you whore. What, like, you could do better?”
“Ah, Rose. You should hear Shane sing.”
“What? I’ve never sung in front of you.”
“Eh, is not true. You sing so pretty last night.”
Rose and Ilya start giggling and move to pour themselves another glass of wine.
“Sometimes I regret introducing you two.”
Video ends.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Lies. Terrible lies
@RoseLandry ✔️ After everything I’ve done for you Shane, you do this to me
@RoseLandryStan After she came out for you, Shane? After everything?
@HockeyGirl94 Men these days. No respect for their boyfriends or beards
@MetrosDiva Okay, but can we talk about how good they are?
@HaydenPike ✔️ Mamma Mia Rozanov? Really?
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Careful Pike. I know where you live. And I know your kids have not seen Frozen in a loooong time.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Would be a shame if I bought your family another copy
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ After the first one ‘mysteriously disappeared’
@HockeyGirl94 DAMN
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Okay so don’t mess with Ilya Rozanov
@CaptainClutch Link to Ilya Rozanov fight compilation
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Nah this was way worse
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: July 2018
Video opens on a grinning Ilya Rozanov, walking through the front door of a house.
“Shane. Shaaaaaane.”
Ilya keeps walking down the hallway. He rolls his eyes.
“SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!”
“Jesus Christ, Ilya, what?”
“I got a tattoo.”
There is a long pause. The camera holds on Ilya’s grinning face.
“Ilya.”
“What?”
“Could you say that again?”
Ilya’s smile starts to drop. He scratches the back of his head.
“I got a tattoo.”
There is a very long pause. Ilya laughs nervously.
“Shane, is okay. Will go with the other one—”
“Why the fuck did you get a tattoo and not tell me?”
“I thought it would be fun to surprise you! So you can rate it!”
Another pause
“You got a tattoo for your stupid Twitter videos?”
“No, I got a tattoo for you! Is a loon, Shane, see?”
The camera stays on Ilya’s face, but it is obvious that he is lifting his shirt out of the frame.
“You got a loon?”
“Yes, Shane. To remind me of you.”
Another longer pause.
“Is that camera still rolling?”
“Yes?”
“Turn it off.”
Ilya blinks.
"Oh."
Ilya tries to turn the phone off, but drops it in the process. He lets out a soft ‘oh fuck Shane’ before he is able to grab the phone again.
Video ends.
@InHellanov So…how was post-tattoo sex?
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Cannot talk here. Email me. #FreeRozanov
@HarrisDrover You make my job so much harder than it needs to be
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ No. I give you job. Without me, you would have no work. I am so thoughtful this way
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: August 2018
The video opens on a shot of Shane with a group of kids surrounding him on the ice. The kids all have different emojis covering their faces.
“Erm…okay. So that’s the drill. Does everyone understand?”
No one says anything.
Suddenly, one kid yells ‘Yes!’ and pushes his puck toward the net. He looks at Shane expectantly. Shane blinks at him.
“No, that’s…that’s not what I said.”
One girl sits down on the ice and starts making snow-angel motions.
“Guys, it’s really not that hard—”
Another kid pushes their puck towards the net. Someone giggles behind the camera.
“No! I just said that was wrong. Here, I’ll do it.”
Shane performs a fancy stick-handling maneuver and then looks at the kids expectantly.
“See, like that.”
One of the kids grabs a puck with their stick and pushes it toward the net.
“What did I just fuck—”
Shane pinches his nose and takes a few deep breaths. The giggling behind the camera intensifies. Ilya whispers into the microphone.
“We are looking for new coaches. I love my Shane, you know this internet, but—”
Shane spins around to grab a kid’s stick that they’re about to use to hit another kid.
“I give him five out of ten for kid hockey coach. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go and rescue.”
A small voice rings out.
“What’s fuck?”
Video ends.
JackiePike Jesus @HaydenPike, you let this guy babysit for us?
@HaydenPike ✔️ Well, there was a reason we got the nanny cam, and I’ll give you a hint. It wasn’t for Patricia
@CentaursCentral Jesus Christ Shane, they're just children
@EvaLindbar In his defense, he has to live with one.
@CentaursCentral He doesn’t have children?
@FrecklesDefenseLeague They’re talking about Ilya
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: August 2018
The video opens on a very shaky view of a hiking trail. Shane can be seen up ahead running, but the distance between Shane and the camera is closing rapidly.
“On your left!”
“Oh fuck no!”
Shane glances to his left, where the camera is now, and speeds up. The camera speeds up as well.
“I am going to wiiiin.”
“You’re not going to win shit!”
Shane throws an arm out to try to hold Ilya back.
“Cheater! Cheater! Let go of me!”
Shane pushes forward, and Ilya grabs onto the back of his shirt.
“That’s so not fucking fair! Ilya!”
Ilya darts ahead, and Shane leaves the frame. Up ahead, there is a car parked on the side. Ilya runs up to it, slamming his hand on the hood.
“I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!”
Ilya slaps the car repeatedly, bouncing up and down. Shane reaches the car and slaps his hand down as well, breathing fast.
“You didn’t win. You totally cheated.”
“Only because you cheated first!”
“Prove it.”
“Is on video, Shane.”
“You’ve got nothing.”
“I have video. Is okay. Will still love you even though you are so slow.”
“You’re so fucking annoying. You're never going to shut the fuck up about this, are you? Fucking—”
“I give Hollander a one out of ten for losing.”
“Oh come on—”
“A zero out of ten for cheating.”
“I didn’t even—”
“And a ten out of ten.”
There’s a pause. Shane looks over at the camera with a frown.
“What’s the ten for?”
“Ten is for that ass.”
Video ends.
@ShaneDefenseSquad I hate to say this Shane, but the evidence is damning
@RozanovsGirlfriend Pretty flagrant foul there
@MetrosDiva Come on, the shirt pulling? Way worse
@RozanovsGirlfriend Two-minute minors for them both then
@PuckAndPoetry Situation Room says the call on the ice stands.
@MetrosDiva okay but Ilya won, right?
@RozanovsGirlfriend oh yeah without a doubt
@InHellanov Ten is criminally low for that ass and you know it Rozanov
IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ You are right. Forgive me Father for I have sinned
From Shane Hollander’s camera roll — not posted
Timestamp: June 2018
The video opens on a lake. The sun is setting over the water, and a man can be seen swimming. The camera zooms in on the man as he surfaces. Ilya looks back at the camera and waves, pushing his wet hair out of his face.
“Hi Shane! Are you recording?
“Yeah.”
“I will do a handstand just for you.”
“Just for me?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, I’m honored.”
“Yes is big sign of respect in Russian culture. Now watch—”
Ilya submerges himself in the water. After a moment, two feet emerge. The toes are pointed, and the legs are perfectly straight. They disappear back into the water, and Ilya comes back up.
“Wow. Very cool.”
“Did you see how straight I made my legs?”
“Yep. Very impressive.”
“I keep my legs together just for you, Shane. Usually is other way around. Cannot help but spread them.”
“Wow, okay. Well, thank you for the handstand, Ilya.”
Ilya blushes, splashing the water around with his hands.
“Are you going to join me?”
“No, I think I’ll just sit on the dock for now.”
“Okay.”
Ilya dives back into the water. The camera films him swimming for a while.
From Shane Hollander’s camera roll — not posted
Timestamp: June 2018
Shane is sitting on a couch. He pans the camera down to show a snoring Ilya, drooling on his lap. In Shane’s other hand is a book. Shane doesn’t say anything, but he puts his book down. The camera holds on the sleeping Ilya while Shane runs a hand through his hair.
The video continues for another five minutes.
From Shane Hollander’s camera roll — not posted
Timestamp: July 2018
The video opens on Ilya dancing in the kitchen from a distance. He is throwing some salt and basil into a large pan and humming to himself. He reaches into a drawer to grab a spoon and does a little twirl before he returns to the pan.
Anya runs over and starts pawing at his legs. Ilya reaches down to pick her up, still stirring with the other hand. He rocks her for a moment before pretending to dance with her as well.
From Shane Hollander’s camera roll — not posted
Timestamp: July 2018
The sun is rising through large glass windows. It is being filmed from the perspective of someone lying in a large bed with rumpled sheets. The camera pans to the left and shows a sleeping Ilya. The sun is slowly falling onto his face, illuminating his blond curls. The camera tilts to match the perspective of the person lying down. The camera holds on Ilya’s sleeping face.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: September 2018
Shane is skating around the Centaurs training facility. He is on the ice by himself. He grabs a puck, handling it back and forth on his stick before making a quite impressive shot, hitting the top of the goalpost. A voice can be heard whispering from behind the camera.
“My boyfriend is so good at hockey, internet.”
Shane takes another puck and does the exact same thing, hitting the puck in the same spot. Ilya lets out a long whistle.
“He is teasing me, internet. He is shooting all of these sexy, sexy goals. But practice starts in thirty minutes, and he will not let us disrespect the sanctity of the locker room. His words. Not mine. I would never say this.”
Shane grabs another puck and shoots it with his backhand.
“Ten out of ten, internet. No notes. Cannot give notes on perfection.”
Video ends.
The second video opens with Ilya now on the ice. He is also taking a few shots at the goal.
“Seven out of ten. Needs work. Nowhere near as good as mine, obviously. Not enough control behind the stick. He’s too focused on power.”
Ilya slams the puck against the post, and it makes a loud clang that resonates through the rink. He turns back and gives Shane a large grin. Shane coughs off-frame.
“Um…like I said…it…it needs work. He—”
Shane cuts off when Ilya winks at him and hits another puck off the other post. There's a little squeak behind the camera.
“Fuck.”
Video ends.
@CentaursCentral My god Shane, stand up!
@MetrosDiva Man we were always going to lose him to fucking Boston if we didn’t lose him to Ottawa.
@EvaLindbar Get it together Shane omfg
@Jack_Sherer 7/10 please. Does this idiot think he’s convincing anyone
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Shane! You’re doing great, sweetie! (We lost him, boys)
@PuckAndPoetry I wish they could have kids, man
@RozysCowboy What, just because they’re men doesn’t mean they can’t have kids? Get your homophobic ass out of here
@PuckAndPoetry No I just mean the fact that they can’t genetically breed the greatest hockey player of all time is a damn shame
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ We are trying very hard. Has not happened yet. But it will
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ Ilya.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ 🥰
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: December 2018
The video opens on a sweaty, bare-chested Ilya Rozanov. He is breathing heavily.
“Ten out of ten, internet. Holy shit. Is so good I cannot. I love him so much. No one gets to have him. Only me. Ten out of fucking ten.”
Video cuts.
Ilya is on the same bed but is now lying at its foot. He is noticeably sweatier and panting hard. He has a few marks visible on his chest and neck.
“Fifteen—out—of—ten.”
He takes a moment to try to catch his breath.
“He—he is crazy. He is freak. Freak. Slut. Oh my God. He is in shower now. He cannot be stopped. I worry for my health. Internet, I think I am in danger. I think he will come back out and want more. And I will give. I always give. But fuck. Is too much. Too good. Fuck—”
Video cuts.
Ilya is lying down on the floor now. His hair is plastered to his forehead, and his eyes are half open. The camera is shaking.
“Zero—is a zero—can’t—zero—out—of—ten—fuck.”
He leans his head back against the carpet.
“I love him so much. Is too much. Oh my God, he is so good. I am so lucky. But I think he broke my dick.”
He lies there breathing for a solid minute.
“Is all over for me. People wonder, oh where did whore Ilya go? Bring whore Ilya back! Whore Ilya this, whore Ilya that.”
Ilya gives the camera a serious look.
“Ilya can ho’ no mo’. Ilya’s dick can only take so much. Is Shane’s dick now. No one else’s. Oh my God—”
Video ends.
@InHellanov WHAT THE FUCK
@InHellanov YOU GIVE ME THIS ON A FUCKING TUESDAY?
@InHellanov ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE???
@InHellanov I can’t I literally alwkdfjskuhqerakjsdhfr
@Jack_Sherer Ding dong. The RPF witch is gone
@FrecklesDefenseLeague How am I seeing this right now? How was this posted???
@CaptainClutch WHORE!! (affectionate)
@EvaLindbar Were these all taken on the same day?????
@ShaneDefenseSquad Shane Hollander has never EVER been a quitter and don’t you accuse him otherwise
@MetroManiac Is Shane Hollander…a slut?
@RozysCowboy He’s Ilya’s slut 🥰
@HockeyGirl94 Can’t believe we thought Ilya was domesticated. Turns out he was just dicked down
@Zane_Boood ✔️ Wow. He’s going to kill you. RIP cap
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ No, Shane will not kill me. I have learned. He is weak
@Zane_Boood ✔️Oh buddy I know. I was talking about Harris
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Harris loves me
@CentaursCentral Wait, why is this the first Centaur we’re seeing comment on Ilya’s videos?
@Evan_Dykstra ✔️ Harris gave us strict instructions not to engage or encourage
@HarrisDrover And yet here you are, Dykstra. Encouraging and engaging.
@LaLaLucaHaas ✔️Oh my god, he’s awake
@Tanner_Dillon ✔️Cap. Run
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Fuck
This post has been deleted.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: May 2019
Ilya and David Hollander are sitting at a kitchen table together. Both are hunched over, carefully working on the puzzle in front of them. Someone is scoffing behind the camera.
“You’re such a nerd. Everyone thinks you’re so cool, but here you are doing puzzles—”
“Shane, you do not get it. You are beautiful dumb jock. Would not understand.”
“I’m not a dumb jock!”
“Yes. We are brains and brawn. I am brains. You are brawn.”
“I’m…I mean, I guess I’m flattered.”
Ilya looks up at the camera, and his eyes narrow.
“Shane, go put your glasses away.”
“What? Why?”
“They are distracting me. Must finish puzzle.”
“My dad is wearing glasses too.”
Ilya turns to look at David, who wags his eyebrows.
“Yes, and that is already hard enough. Is hard seeing what you will look like when you are old.”
“Why wait? You've got the original right here.”
David winks at Ilya, and Ilya giggles and bats his eyelashes at him.
“Wow…I hated that.”
Video ends.
@PuckAndPoetry Suddenly, the number of videos with Shane wearing his glasses is making so much more sense
@MetrosDiva For real. I was starting to worry that he might actually need to wear them all the time and was just skating around blind
@InHellanov Ilya Rozanov and David Hollander…interesting…
@Jack_Sherer Don’t. You. Fucking. Dare
@InHellanov …opening the google doc as we speak
@Jack_Sherer Police? It’s her. Get her.
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Petition to make Shane wear glasses for his interviews?
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Denied.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: June 2019
Video opens on a concrete driveway. The camera is being propped up against the garage. Ilya enters the frame carrying a metal fire pit. He exits and comes back holding a sweatshirt. He shows it off to the camera. It’s a Metros sweatshirt. He dumps it in the firepit and starts pouring kerosene on it.
He puts a cigarette between his lips and lights it. He takes a quick puff before dropping the cigarette into the firepit, setting it ablaze. He grins maniacally at the camera. He exits and comes back with a camp chair, setting it in behind the pit and watching the sweatshirt burn.
“ROZANOV! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”
Hayden Pike storms into frame. He peers into the firepit.
“IS THAT…IS THAT MY FUCKING SWEATSHIRT?”
“Yes.”
“WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE BURNING MY SWEATSHIRT. HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET THAT?”
Ilya gives him a long look. Hayden’s eyes widen.
“Oh.”
“Yes, Pike.”
“Did Shane finally tell you—”
“Did Shane finally tell me that you kissed him in your rookie season?”
Ilya turns back towards the fire.
“Yes. Yes, he did, Pike.”
“Ah.”
Hayden looks at the fire too.
“It was only one kiss, man.”
“One kiss is enough.”
“Yeah…I get it…”
“You are lucky I am not burning down your house.”
“...that’s fair.”
Video ends.
@InHellanov WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHEN WAS THIS
@InHellanov I NEED NAMES. DATES. VIDEOS. ANYTHING
@MetroManiac Can’t believe Ilya Rozanov woke up the Shayden fandom
@Jack_Sherer And to think we had almost gotten rid of them for good…
@ShaydenTruther I LIVE BITCHES. BWAHAHAHAHAHAH
@HockeyGirl94 Another LGBTQ hockey player? This is so great for the community!
@MetrosDiva Hayden Pike bisexual era!
@HaydenPike ✔️ Thank you for the support, but I’m just an ally!
@FrecklesDefenseLeague …
@ShaneDefenseSquad "Just an ally" is CRAZY after admitting you kissed Shane Hollander.
@ShaydenTruther Hayden. Baby. Are we sure?
@CaptainClutch Guys they were probably just messing around. What’s a kiss between bros?
@HaydenPike ✔️ Exactly! Like Shane’s a seriously hot guy. Why would I not kiss him?
@CaptainClutch …nevermind
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Dude.
@JackiePike Hayden I’m going to need you to log off
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Jackie I am going to need a second sweatshirt
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: September 2019
The video opens in an arena during a hockey game. The camera zooms in on the rink, to the penalty box where Shane is frowning and mumbling under his breath. Someone is giggling behind the camera.
“He is so angry, internet.”
More giggling.
“Grumpy, grumpy.”
Shane very obviously swears and smacks his stick against the glass. More giggles.
“He will be so angry tonight. Oh no, internet, save me…will be such a hardship…will be soooo angry will not know what to do.”
Shane makes direct eye contact with Ilya, and his eyes narrow. He mouths ‘put the fucking phone down.’ Ilya giggles again but puts the phone down.
Video ends.
@InHellanov So post-game sex rating when?
@ShaneDefenseSquad Good lord, sir, get it together. You’re in the middle of a game
@RozanovsGirlfriend Please. They’re winning the cup this year no matter what
@CentaursCentral They will win that cup with the sheer force of their freaky freaky sex.
@FrecklesDefenseLeague
Broke: The rivalry was foreplay
Woke: The rivalry was created by Ilya Rozanov to have hot hate sex
@PuckAndPoetry No one, and I mean no one, is doing it like Ilya Rozanov is doing it
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: October 2019
Video opens on two people facing a bathroom mirror. Ilya has his hand slung around Shane’s waist. Ilya is wearing a gladiator costume. Shane is running his eyes up and down the costume. He is wearing a cowboy outfit.
“Internet, your favorite couple is going to Halloween party.”
Shane doesn’t say anything. His eyes are locked in on Ilya’s legs. Ilya notices him staring.
“Mm. Might be late.”
Video ends.
@RozanovsGirlfriend HOT
@RozanovsGirlfriend HOT HOT HOT HOT
@RozanovsGirlfriend Some people get EVERYTHING ISTG
@RozanovsGirlfriend WHEN IS IT MY TURN
@InHellanov SIR. SIR, DO YOU NEED A THIRD? PLEASE GOOD SIR
@RozanovsGirlfriend Get in the fucking line
@EvaLindbar Are they…are they fucking dressed up as Jedidiah and Octavius from Night at the Museum???
@JessicaHansen Oh my god…
@MetroManiac HAHAHAHA STOP I'M CRYING
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ @IlyaRozanov81 You told me they were a famous gay couple??
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ They are the gayest couple
@PuckAndPoetry Wow. We found Ilya Rozanov’s OTP. Who would have thought
@RozysCowboy Happy fucking Halloween, I guess
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: November 2019
Video opens on a sweaty Shane lying next to Ilya, who has his eyes closed. Both are bare-chested.
“Twelve out of ten. I knew that would work.”
“Oh. Did you?”
“Don’t know why I doubted it. Ilya Rozanov? Having a praise kink? I’m shocked. It’s shocking.”
“Yes, you sound very shocked.”
“Well, we’ll make note of it. And that you like to be submissive sometimes.”
“What! No. I am not submissive.”
Shane gives him a pointed look.
“I thought we were being honest. For the sake of science.”
There is a long pause. Ilya throws his hand over his eyes.
“Fine.”
“Okay, so I’m adding it to the spreadsheet?”
“Yes, you can add it to the spreadsheet. Twelve out of ten.”
Video ends.
@EvaLindbar Uhhhhhh. Guys? Did you mean to post this?
@InHellanov Wait, does this mean they’re still filming sex reviews and just not posting them???
@RozanovsGirlfriend GIVE THEM TO ME. FOR SCIENCE
@FrecklesDefenseLeague I can’t believe it. That’s literally so homophobic of them
@PuckAndPoetry For real #HollanovIsOverParty. We deserve the tapes
@Jack_Sherer You freaks deserve shit
@ShaneDefenseSquad Of course Shane has a fucking sex spreadsheet
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ ILYA. THIS IS THE WRONG FUCKING VIDEO
This post has been deleted.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: November 2019
The video opens on Ilya trying to hold the phone and a dog at the same time. The dog licks his face.
“Internet, look! He is so cute, look at him. Oh my God, Shane! Shane! Shane! Shaaaane!”
“Ilya, I’m right here.”
“Take the camera, Shane.”
Shane sighs and takes the camera so both the dog and Ilya are fully in the frame. Both are sitting on the locker room floor.
“Internet, this is my friend Chiron. He is so cute! Hollander, look at him, he is so cute. He looks just like you.”
“In what way?”
Chiron jumps on Ilya and nuzzles his crotch. Ilya cackles.
“See! Is so you.”
“Oh. My. God. For fuck’s sake, Ilya, you have a new teammate to welcome.”
Ilya rolls his eyes and looks to his left. The camera pans to reveal Troy Barrett, who is shuffling back and forth.
“Meh, Barrett is four out of ten.”
“Ilya—”
“That is only looks. I fear personality is worse.”
“Ilya, you’re the fucking captain. Behave.”
“Chiron is ten out of ten.”
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Barrett. He’s kidding.”
“Oh…it’s fine…”
Video ends.
@HarrisDrover This was not the welcome video we discussed, Ilya
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ You’re the one who tried to bribe him with Chiron. You should have known better
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: December 2019
The video opens on Ilya, who has his arm around Troy. Both of them are dancing, and there are lights flashing around them. Music is blaring in the background. Ilya is wearing a mesh top, and Troy is wearing a white tank top.
“INTERNET! INTERNET LOOK!”
Ilya flips the camera around. Shane has somehow found a stage and a pole. Shane yells and takes another shot before grabbing the pole and dropping down low.
“Holy fuck.”
Shane hooks his leg around the pole and does a little spin.
“Internet. No need for sex review. I already know will be a ten out of ten. As fucking always.”
Shane steps away from the pole to do another shot. He peels off his shirt and tucks it into his pocket. A man approaches him from behind and puts his hands on his waist.
“Oh fuck no. Sorry, internet. Must go dance with hot boyfriend.”
Video ends.
@CaptainClutch WHAT IS SHANE HOLLANDER DOING ON A POLE
@PuckAndPoetry This is the best and worst day of my life
@RozysCowboy I have never been attracted to a man more in my life
@MetroManiac Now how did Ilya Rozanov get Shane Hollander to go to a gay club?
@ShaneDefenseSquad Please. As if Shane wouldn’t do literally anything Ilya asked him too
@CentaursCentral Astronomically down bad
@HaydenPike ✔️ SHANE?????
@ShaydenTruther You wish that was you, huh?
@HollanovHotties No I’m with him. The greed of some men.
@IlyasMissingTooth What did Ilya Rozanov do to deserve all of that?
@InHellanov sprinting to my computer to write a stripper Shane Hollander AU
@Jack_Sherer I’m burning your computer
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Timestamp: December 2019
The video opens on a very drunk Shane. The camera is shaking, and Shane’s face is drifting in and out of frame. There is club music and lights on in the background.
“He is soooo hot. I love him soooo much. You don’t understand, internet. He is so funny. I can’t believe he is with me.”
Shane starts crying.
“You don’t understaaand. He has these muscles. And his back. Oh my God, his back—”
“Shane, what are you doing? Why are you crying?”
Ilya enters the frame, throwing a glance at the phone before turning back to Shane and wiping away some of his tears. Shane is staring at Ilya with wide eyes.
“...It’s you.”
“Yes, Shane, is me.”
Shane giggles.
“You are very pretty.”
“Oh.”
Ilya blushes.
“I would ask you to come home with me, but I have a boyfriend.”
“Yes, I am the boyfriend.”
Shane’s eyes grow wider. He is whispering now.
“...You are?”
“Yes.”
“Thank fuck. Can we go home right now?”
“Yes, malysh, of course.”
Video ends.
@RozanovsGirlfriend Wow, Shane Hollander is a messy drunk. Huh.
@CentaursCentral Shane, baby, your boyfriend is very handsome. Don’t worry. We all understand
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ He is miiiiiiine. Hooooes mad. Hoes so madsfaswoiuvnc
@ShaneDefenseSquad @IlyaRozanov81 Ummm you might want to take his phone
@InHellanov Nooooo! Shane! Tell us more
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ alqoi qweroihv kjzbckjhdk
@InHellanov …yeah I’m not getting any of that
@JessicaHansen Soldiers. We’ve lost him. He’s gone
This post has been deleted.
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Following last night's events, I'd like to issue a brief statement.
I exercised poor judgment after consuming alcohol and uploaded a video that should have remained private.
I sincerely apologize for any concern or confusion this may have caused.
Thank you for your continued support.
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Noooooo Shane!
@JessicaHansen Do we think they told him to post this, or do we think he panicked and wrote this at ten a.m.?
@RozysCowboy We would actually appreciate more poor judgment. We could be more concerned and confused, I’d say
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Sweetheart is this why you locked yourself in the bathroom?
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ You can come out now. I have protein shake
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Shane is okay!
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ Internet thought it was very sexy, very cute
@EvaLindbar Can confirm, the internet did indeed think it was very sexy and very cute
@HaydenPike ✔️ I know Yuna did not write this haha
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ You are not helping. Like always
@HaydenPike ✔️ Oh yeah? Fine. I’m going to go watch Shane twerk again
@ShaydenTruther …that is really not the gotcha that you think it is
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: January 2020
Video opens on an unamused Ilya. He is in an airport, and there are a couple of teammates visible in the background. Ilya sighs.
“Shane is sick and cannot go on the roadie. Zero out of ten. I will miss him so much.”
He spins the camera around.
“Everyone say ‘get better, Shane!’”
There is a chorus of voices. The Centaurs players wave at the camera. Chouinard blows the camera a kiss.
Ilya turns the camera back around.
“Will be no fun without him. He tells me that he never gets sick. Oh, Ilya, I am so healthy! I eat all the healthy foods! Will live forever.”
He shoots the camera a flat expression.
“And now I am going on plane by myself. Will have to watch movie all by myself. Will be no fun.”
“Gee Roz, what are we, chopped liver?”
“Yeah, way to make a team feel special.”
Ilya waves them away.
“Zero out of ten, Shane. Get better soon.”
He kisses the camera lens.
Video ends.
@ShaneDefenseSquad Nooo my Shanebug!!! Get better soon!!!
@CentaursCentral God this game is going to be so boring now
@Jack_Sherer It’s against Tampa. It was always going to be boring
@FrecklesDefenseLeague Um…you guys? Is anyone looking at the news right now?
@HockeyGirl94 Guys, what’s going on?? Why are people talking about the Centaurs plane?
@CaptainClutch HOLY SHIT
@JessicaHansen Oh my god are they all okay?
Video sent from Ilya Rozanov’s Instagram account to Shane Hollander’s — not posted
Timestamp: January 2020
Video begins. The camera is shaking. There is yelling in the background. Ilya’s face fills the screen. He is crying.
“Hey Shane…I, um…I think the plane is crashing.”
There is a loud bang, and somebody screams. Ilya looks behind him, but quickly turns back to the camera.
He looks scared, but he is trying to look brave.
“I need you to take care of yourself, Shane. And Anya. I want you to be okay. I need you to be okay.”
The plane shakes again, and Ilya closes his eyes for a moment. He is crying in earnest now.
“Shane, I love you so much. Could you do me a favor, Shane? Could—could you put Hollander on my grave? I—I did not need to marry you, Shane. Would have been nice, but I am always yours. Even with no paper and no ring.”
Ilya is breathing hard now. He is struggling to get the words out through his soft sobs.
“But I want your name next to mine. I—I always want it. I want you to be happy. P—please be happy, Shane. I hate to see you cry. Will know if you cry even if I die. Will always be with you in your heart, I—I believe that.”
Ilya tilts his head and gives the camera a soft smile.
“Life with you was unrateable.”
Video ends.
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️
Timestamp: January 2020
The video opens on Ilya, who is faced away from the screen. Music starts in the background. Ilya spins towards the camera. He starts pumping his arms and moving his legs in time to Beyoncé’s ‘Single Ladies.’
He flips his hair on beat and performs the choreography perfectly.
At the appropriate time, he lifts his hand up and shows off a gold ring on his ring finger.
He performs the whole dance, grinning like a madman.
Video ends.
@ShaneDefenseSquad YOU ALMOST DIED, AND THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO YOU POST???
@MetrosDiva Does "single ladies" mean they’ve broken up???
@HockeyGirl94 I can’t believe Shane broke up with his man after he almost died in a plane crash wtf
@InHellanov Be so for real you guys
@RozanovsGirlfriend IS THAT A FUCKING RING?????
@InHellanov HOLY SHIT
@InHellanov HOLY SHIT THAT’S A RING
@InHellanov HOLY SHIT THEY’RE ENGAGED! ARE THEY ENGAGED
@FrecklesDefenseLeague @ShaneHollander_Official!! @IlyaRozanov81!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
@EvaLindbar You guys, my favorite couple is engaged!! I can’t. I’m sobbing
@JessicaHansen The whiplash I have experienced from thinking my favorite team was dead to seeing Ilya Rozanov dance to Single Ladies with a ring on his finger…
@ShaneHollander_Official ✔️ ❤️
@IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ ❤️
@InHellanov BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAAAANNNN
@HarrisDrover I quit.
IlyaRozanov81 ✔️ and @ShaneHollander_Official ✔️
Timestamp: July 10, 2020
Video opens on a smiling Shane. He is wearing a light grey suit and a blue tie. He has a lily in his lapel.
“Hey guys. I, uh—I wanted to let you know that this is our last video.”
Shane takes a deep breath before continuing.
“We’ve really enjoyed sharing our life with you, even when we didn’t get a choice. But…”
He smiles to himself.
“But now it’s just for us."
Shane grins.
“I’m so excited to marry him. I love him so much. I’ll take good care of him, I promise.”
A door off-camera opens, and Shane looks beyond the camera with a soft look.
“Shane, are you ready?”
“Yeah, I am.”
Shane looks at the camera for one last time.
“Life with him is unrateable.”
Video ends.
* * * * *
From Ilya Rozanov’s camera roll — not posted
Timestamp: October 2019
Arthur Pike is throwing Legos on the floor from a basket. Jade and Ruby are giggling at the end of the hallway. The camera is on a coffee table so that everything can be seen. Ilya is wearing a Sleeping Beauty tiara and Jackie’s heels, with his feet spilling over the ends. Shane is wearing a paper bow tie and a cowboy hat. Ilya leans over to whisper to Shane.
“Shane, these kids are trying to kill me. They want me to walk down the aisle on top of Legos.”
“At least you’re wearing shoes. I don’t think these slippers are going to hold.”
“Shane. I cannot walk in heels. I do not have the legs for it.”
“I completely disagree with you on that one.”
Shane grins at him, and Ilya smacks his ass lightly. Jade uses the TV remote to hit play on the Moana song “How Far I’ll Go.”
“Uncle Ilya! You have to walk now!”
“I think that’s your cue.”
“See you at the end.”
Ilya gives him a quick kiss on the cheek before walking down the Lego-filled hall. He is surprisingly good at walking in heels. He makes it to the end of the aisle and beams back at Shane, who starts walking toward him now. He reaches the end and gives Ilya a little tilt of his hat. Ilya laughs.
“Okay, and now you are married!”
“Nooo! Ruby, they have to say stuff!”
They both look at Ilya and Shane expectantly. The two of them look at each other, eyes wide. Shane starts to giggle, and Ilya smacks him.
“Be serious, Shane, is our wedding.”
“Sorry, sorry.”
“Okay, I will go first.”
Ilya takes a deep breath.
“Shane. I have loved you ever since I have known you, Shane. I couldn’t help it, and I tried to show you, and you wouldn’t let me. I cannot go on like this any longer. I gave up the sex reviews, I gave up everything you didn’t like—”
“Stop quoting Little Women, Ilya.”
Ilya smiles brightly. Shane rolls his eyes. Ilya clears his throat. He looks a bit teary.
“I love you so much, Shane. I think I have loved you since we met. When you told me not to smoke. You are the best thing in my life. Would give up smoking for you…Would give up hockey…Would give up so much more if you asked. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for not leaving me when I accidentally let the whole world see our…reviews—”
Ilya gives a pointed look at the children around him. He struggles to get the next words out.
“Thank you for—for always thinking I am a good person. Thank you for seeing me as more than who my father saw me. And who he taught me to be.”
Ilya is crying in earnest now. He nods his head to signal that he is done. Shane cups his face, and he is crying too.
“Ilya…I love you too. So much. So much it hurts. You are a pain in my…butt…”
He glances at the kids, too.
“But I love that about you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t forgive you for. I love everything about you. I love all of the beautiful things about you, and I love all of the flaws. If we do get married, I want you to know it won’t be ‘til death do us part. Because even in death, I’ll find you. Even if it’s to strangle you for trying to die on me.”
Ilya lets out a wet laugh and gives Shane a modest kiss.
“No! You can’t kiss yet!”
They pull away, smiling.
“Sorry.”
“Sorry, Ruby.”
They look at her, waiting.
“Okay, you can kiss the bride.”
Shane grins and steps forward. He grabs Ilya and dips him. Ilya laughs, holding onto his tiara that is threatening to fall off, and leans forward to give Shane a kiss.
“FINALLY!”
Ilya and Shane laugh and stand up straight again. Ilya gives Shane another quick kiss.
“I’m bored. I want to watch Frozen.”
Ilya ruffles Arthur’s hair.
“Okay, we will watch. I brought DVD.”
Video ends.
Chapter End Notes
You guys!!!!!! I am honestly still in shock! I cannot believe this blew up like it did.
Did I expect anyone to read my little one-shot that I wrote in four hours on a random weekend? No. Am I thrilled that you guys loved it? Yes absolutely yes
Thank you so so much for all the love and all of the comments. You guys made me cry for like a day straight. Thank you so much!
As a thank you, I'm giving you this very long sequel chapter. I hope you enjoy it! It was a beast to write haha. I wrote everything with "user 1" and "user 2" labels, and I never want to see the word "user" again. It has lost all meaning to me. Social media fics are so much harder than I thought.
This is the for sure end of this fic, but I wrote another fluffy fic and will continue to write fluffy funny little one-shots. My series of Alternate Reveals will continue, and I am super excited to share all of my ideas with you guys!
This isn't beta read so lmk if you catch any mistakes :)
Edit: btw there are a lot of bits that are inspired by other fics but I want to highlight Airuna’s “#DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe”
Edit2: I finally found the other fic I was looking for to credit!!!
Shout out “he's good for my heart (but he's bad for business)” by yrsaffectionately.One of the funniest social media fics I have ever read. I remember reading it like a couple months ago and going “huh. Goodreads…” so definitely give that one a read
Edit3: I found the freckles fic!! A wonderful, wonderful commenter sent it to me. It's "Outed by Freckles" by Zaz14
As I said before, come say hi on Twitter if you want to @promised_ivy
Love you all <3
Ivy
Afterword
- Works inspired by this one
- Cover Art for Ilya Rozanov's Goodreads Reviews by Lizluvsbooks
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