Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Rose Landry & Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Rose Landry, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Rose Landry, Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Platonic Relationships, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Domestic Fluff, Rose gets Ilya white girl wasted in the club, They should be in the club!!, Drinking, a lot of it but its all good fun and everyone is happy, Post-Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers), a truly grotesque amount of I love yous are said, also Rose spills the tea on the sex with Shane

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-14 Words: 5,540 Chapters: 1/1

girls night

Summary

“I am not drunk.” Ilya sniffed indignantly. “I am full of lemons.”

“Lemons...?”

“Lemon Drops!” Rose chimed happily. “I convinced Ilya to try them, and ohhhh, Shane, he was not ready.”

“Like, the candy?” Shane sounded even more lost then before.

⊱✿⊰

Rose needs someone to go to the club with, as does Ilya. It goes a bit too well.

Notes

Hello perverts, I’m back with another fic full of platonic I love yous, cause I know that's what you freaks are into.

This is dedicated to so many people. Every friend I've convinced or whose convinced me to go to the club, the guy at the gay club in Columbus who danced to Whitney Houston with me and at the end we told each other, “I love you” then parted ways, the drunk girl who walked up to me outside the club who put her hand on my throat and said “hot.”, drunk girls in club bathrooms overall, gay clubs overall, and finally my dad who retired last week and got trashed with me at his retirement party and then danced with me to Manchild in front of an audience of strangers. <3

Russian in italics! Except the petnames that are pretty common. Also, please suspend your disbelief that Rose and Ilya can go out casually in Ottawa with her level of fame.

12:48 PM

“God, I miss dancing, like real dancing, so bad. It's been so fucking long since I've danced and it wasn't for a movie or at an award show afterparty where I'm wearing a super uncomfortable dress.” Rose whined into her mimosa. Ilya, Shane and Rose were having brunch in Ottawa while she was in town. And by in town, really she had been in Detroit visiting family and decided to jump on a plane to visit Ottawa while she was in roughly the same part of the continent. Roughly.

“You’re not going out with your castmates like you did back in Montreal?” Shane asked, picking at his super healthy, only egg white, all vegetables omelet. His food normally looked bland, but Ilya thought this restaurant had done exceptionally bad this time with how much Shane looked like he was avoiding eating it.

“Oh my god, no. I miss Miles so bad, I wish they hadn't killed him off. The current cast are all either uninterested, or just awful. Adrian especially. I don’t want to propose going out with anyone and risk him getting invited along.” She shuddered and drank more of her mimosa.

Ilya hummed, “Yes, he looks like huge asshole. I am very sorry you are forced to work with him, must be torture.” He wasn't going to share Troy's secret, but that didn't stop him from being honest. And Adrian Dela Cruz did look like an asshole. Something about the hair and the scarves.

“It is torture! He's such a prick honestly. One of those guys who never forgets his follower count, and won't let you forget it either. God, I know you guys are celebrities too, but it's so nice hanging out with people who don't let it completely go to their head.”

Shane raised an eyebrow, “You're including Ilya in that statement?”

“Shane, I am very humble!” Ilya tried to look hurt, but he couldn't keep a grin from creeping onto his face as he said it.

Shane rolled his eyes. “You literally can't keep a straight face saying that.”

“How am I supposed to have a straight face? I am bisexual, have you not heard?”

Shane groaned, “God, I hate you.”

“No, you don't. You looooove me.” Ilya fluttered his eyelashes coquettishly, an expression that was not nearly as out of place on his face as it should have looked.

“See, this is what I mean! You joke around like normal people, and you're not just waiting for the next camera to catch your outfit today.” Rose sighed. “And you're like, actually fun. Like I know that night was kinda awful for you both, but I actually had fun getting to dance with you at the club, Shane, even if it was only for a little bit.”

“It was nice spending time with you too, sorry about uh, the rest of it.” Shane was literally never going to know how to talk casually about his disastrous attempts at sleeping with Rose. He rolled on past it as fast as he could, “I don't think I'm going clubbing anytime soon again though. Bad memories aside, it's a sensory nightmare, and I hate dancing.”

Ilya nodded sadly, “And you are very bad at it.”

“Oh fuck off.” Shane laughed and shoved at Ilya's shoulder, but Ilya grabbed his hand and raised it to his lips and kissed it with a smile.

“Sorry, moy lyubov, but it's true. You look like penguin waddling in place.”

“You are such an ass. You're not even that much better.”

“Mmm, this is not true, and you know it. I am very good dancer, many years of experience. In America and Moscow.”

“God, what's clubbing like in Russia?” Rose asked curiously.

“Better music than here, at least back when I was going. More smoking, very sexy. I hear from Sveta that it is different these days, but I would not know.” Ilya shrugged, “Never going back does that to you.”

He paused.

“Actually, has been a very long time since I have gone clubbing as well. I used to go often, but then I was no longer picking up women, and it is hard to hide you are not interested in getting laid or grinded on in club with others, so I stopped. Marleau thought I had been replaced by a bodysnatcher. And Shane does not like clubs, as we know, so I cannot even go and have my very sexy husband grind on me in club now.” Ilya pouted at Shane, but Shane purposefully avoided looking at him as he continued to pick at his bland looking omelet.

“Well,” Rose sung out the word, eyes sparkling with a mischievous grin. “I just happen to know someone who you could go with. An actress who happens to be in town and desperately needs a friend to go to the club with. No grinding though, obviously. Sorry?”

Ilya grinned back, “Ah, I know how to dance very well without it too. Will not be a problem.” He stopped, looked at Shane. “Is not problem with you either, if I go?”

“Ilya, you don't have to ask my permission to go out.” Shane looked touched he had asked though, and he smiled at both of them as he said, “Go, I hope you both have fun.”

Rose whooped, “Yes! This will be so fun! You won't regret this, either of you!”

“See, that really makes me feel like I will regret it.” Shane complained.

“This is because you overthink everything, solnyshko.” Ilya kissed Shane on the cheek then looked at Rose. “We pick outfits, then go tonight?”

Rose looked back at Ilya seriously, “Oh no, for an event this special, we are buying whole new looks. Shane, I am stealing your husband today.”

⊱✿⊰

2:04 PM

They were driving together, top down in one of Ilya's very nice cars, gossiping about Rose's castmates and other celebrities, when Ilya decided to just go for it.

He worded his question carefully, having planned it for years at this point. “I must ask you something, and I understand if you would not like to answer, but Shane still won't tell me and I am dying to know.”

Rose looked over, raising an eyebrow behind her designer sunglasses, and said, “I'm guessing this is about the sex?”

“Yes!” Ilya groaned. “He teases me with talking about how it did not go well, but won't give me any details. I understand if you don't want to talk about it, but I know if it was you telling me he probably wouldn't mind…”

Ilya stopped, and shrugged. “Probably.”

“What does he say about it?” Rose was smiling. Ilya had a good feeling about his chances of successfully solving this mystery.

“He says it was disaster. On his end, not yours, of course.” Ilya reassured. “But sex with Shane is, if I can be honest…”

“Please! Be honest.”

“I cannot picture sex with Shane going badly. He is very passionate lover.” Ilya smirked. “And he wants so badly to be good, yes?”

“Uhhh, hate to break it to you, but that might be a man thing, or a you thing.” Despite her words, Rose was smiling mischievously, then added panickedly, “Not the trying to be good thing! He definitely did try to make it good for me! He wasn't lazy at all with that. But….”

“But?” Ilya was smiling too, it felt odd to be enjoying talking about someone else having sex with Shane, but he truly did like Rose, and it made it easier to know that neither party had really enjoyed the experience, and there was zero chance of it happening again. Plus, it was a little fun to gossip about sex with Shane if he was being honest.

“Well, let’s just say he kept his eyes closed for most of it.” Rose paused, then added slyly. “And maybe sometimes it sounded like he was saying my name wrong.”

Ilya could feel a smug grin spread across his face. Oh, moy lyubov, thinking about him even then.

He needed to know the other detail he had never been able to get out of Shane.

“And did he…?”

Rose looked like she was trying not to laugh at Ilya's obvious glee. “Not even once.”

Ilya cackled triumphantly. Oh, he was going to have so much fun with Shane after this. Ilya loved being right.

⊱✿⊰

9:18 PM

Shane looked red, and like he was going to jump Ilya before Ilya could make it out the door. “Uh.”

“Mmm, you like?” Ilya grinned, and not so subtly flexed his muscles, which was very visible through the sheer, skintight black mesh shirt he was wearing, his cross glinting over top.

Shane turned even redder, and slapped Ilya across his chest. “Stop that!”

“Ah, my tit!” Ilya clutched dramatically at the tit in question. “Domestic abuse!”

Rose was laughing at both of them, and she had to calm herself down before she could get through asking, “So I'm guessing I did good with picking out his outfit?”

“Uh,” Shane had not stopped staring at Ilya throughout all of this, and it took visible effort for him to stop making eye contact with Ilya's chest to look over at Rose. “Yes, definitely.”

“I picked out her outfit, does she not look nice as well?”

Ilya had not stopped looking smug at Shanes's reaction throughout this conversation, and his grin only widened when Shane said, far too quickly, like someone who could not tell you what Rose was wearing right now despite her being right in front of him, “Yeah, of course.”

Rose sighed jokingly. “It's so nice having a supportive best friend.”

Shane winced. “Shit, sorry.” He looked her over. “You look nice. I like the.. sparkles?”

“Wow, you are truly such a jock.” Rose marveled.

“Mmm yes, he is.” Ilya said with deep fondness. Then he looked out the window. “I think your driver is outside?”

“Oh, good!” Rose skipped over to Shane and hugged him. “Thank you again for letting me borrow your husband! I swear, we won't get into too much trouble!”

Shane returned the hug, laughing as he did so. “Don't make promises you can't keep. This is Ilya we are talking about.”

“Hey!” Ilya protested in mock offense, then he took Rose's place in front of Shane, and purred, “My turn?”

Shane rolled his eyes, and hugged Ilya in the exact same platonic way he had hugged Rose. Then he squawked a moment later when he felt Ilya pinch his ass.

“Ok, that’s enough of that.” He swatted Ilya away from him again, but not before Ilya dove down and planted a kiss on his lips.

Ilya smiled down at him earnestly then murmured softly, “Solnyshko, you do not need to stay up for us, we will be out late.”

Shane smiled back, just as warmly. “It's okay, it's the off-season. I've been wanting to finish my current book anyways. Just don't get into too much trouble, alright?”

Ilya smiled mischievously, “But trouble is so fun, solnyshko."

⊱✿⊰

11:24 PM

“Shaneeeeee, light of my life who chases my blues away, I love you! I want to dance with you! If you were here I would dance with you, and feel the heat with you! Because I love you!”

Shane blinked at the stream of slightly incomprehensible Russian at- he checks the time, 11:24 PM? Still, he will always know the answer to this when it’s Ilya saying it. “I love you too? I mean, I love you too. And I’ll dance with you later if you want, I think that’s what you said?”

He hears Rose’s voice from the other end, but can’t make out the sound over what he thinks is a club remix of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody.” Oh, that explains that.

There’s a shuffling noise over the phone, and a yelp of indignation from Ilya, then he hears Rose, slurring her words slightly, shout. “SHANE!”

“Rose?”

“SHANE, I LOVE YOUR HUSBAND!”

“Uh,” Shane blinks at the phone, then continues, “Me too?”

“GOOD! THAT’S GREAT!”

“It is, yeah. Uh, you guys are having fun?”

“SO MUCH FUN!”

Suddenly, Shane can make out the noise of Ilya whining on the other end, “Give it back, I must tell Shane more about how I feel the heat with him because he is so hot, and his-”

Abruptly, the call ends. Shane sits in the silence for a moment then looks over to where Anya is looking curiously up at him from her dog bed, “I think I might have made a mistake.”

⊱✿⊰

12:56 AM

Ilya and Rose tumbled giggling out of the car onto the driveway of Shane and Ilya's home, both of them thanking Rose's chauffeur profusely and enthusiastically as they did so.

No NHL fan would have believed that the flushed and giddy man now fumbling with the lock was Ilya Rozanov, known for fistfights and cocky boasts on national television, despite the Russian swears slipping out between giggles.

“Why is lock so hard?” Ilya moaned. “Shane bought most complicated lock, so many buttons and beeping.”

“You can do this, Ilya! I believe in you!” Rose said with far more earnest support than the situation called for, and a second later let out a squeal of delight as the door finally opened. “YES! Up top!”

Ilya slapped her hand, grinning wide like he had just scored an overtime goal, then stumbled through the door.

“SHAAaaneeee, we are home, moy lyubimyy!” He yelled, hopping as he kicked off his shoes at the door to avoid scolding from his beautiful, gorgeous husband who worried constantly about dirt on carpets. Ah, he loved Shane so much.

An excited skitter of claws against tile reminded him of the other love of his life.

“ANYA!” He dropped to the floor, likely injuring his knees in a way that he would feel tomorrow but could not care less about right now. Anya excitedly attacked his face with kisses as he threw his arms around his perfect dog.

Ilya giggled happily as he patted her all over and cooed, “Ms. Anya Hollander-Rosanova, have you been good? Oh, my beautiful daughter, my sweet cinnamon roll, my honey cake, my mini muffin of a baby girl. I looove you.” He placed a delicate smooch upon Anya's nose and promptly got her tongue in his mouth as she licked his face even more ferociously. Oh, she was just like her father.

“Oh my god, she is SO cute. You are both so cute.” Rose was paused midway through struggling to unbuckle her strappy heels, sitting on the floor uncaring of her ridiculously expensive dress getting dirty or the way she was flashing Ilya, who had no interest in knowing what her underwear looked like when his husband was the hottest man in the world.

Ilya beamed, and pulled all 46 lbs of Anya into his lap. “Yes, very cute! She gets her beauty from Shane and her cuteness from me.”

“God, you are so right.” Rose seemed appropriately awed over the absurdly beautiful family of the Hollander-Rosanov's. Ilya basked in pride for a moment but was quickly broken out of his basking when his aforementioned beautiful husband turned the corner, wearing pajamas and a sleepy expression.

“Shane!” Both Rose and Ilya exclaimed at once.

“Whoa.”

Shane seemed startled at the sight of his husband and friend both clearly drunk off their asses and sprawled out on the floor by the door, Anya full body wagging and wiggling in Ilya's arms and Rose still flashing the entire room. “You guys seem…”

Ilya gently put Anya down so he could very gracefully, with only a brief moment of almost falling on his face, make his way to his feet and stride over to Shane where he looped his arms around Shane's neck and purred, “Stunned by your beauty?”

“I was going to say absolutely trashed actually.” Despite his words, Shane smiled fondly back at him, and provided a supportive hand at Ilya's back. He paused, “Wait, how are you even drunk? I've literally never seen you drunk before.”

“I am not drunk.” Ilya sniffed indignantly. “I am full of lemons.”

“Lemons...?”

“Lemon Drops!” Rose chimed happily. “I convinced Ilya to try them, and ohhhh, Shane, he was not ready.”

“Like, the candy?” Shane sounded even more lost then before.

“The drink, solynyshko! You silly, silly man.” Ilya chuckled and when Shane's gaze returned to his, Ilya immediately lost his train of thought as he instead got lost in his husband's deep brown eyes. He leaned in close, nose brushing Shane's. He wanted to kiss Shane, but that would require closing his eyes and not seeing the lovely, earthy brown of his husband's eyes anymore, which felt like a crime to Ilya.

“Uh,” Shane seemed torn between flustered endearment at his husband's closeness, and bewilderment at the unblinking drunken stare of his husband from two inches away. He noted distantly that Ilya's breath smelled deeply of sugar and lemons. Also alcohol. “What the hell were in those Lemon Drops?”

“Vodka,” Ilya sighed happily. “So much vodka.”

“Of course.” Shane rolled his gorgeous, chocolate brown eyes. Ilya smiled at him, deliriously happy. God, the need to kiss Shane was seriously fighting with the need to keep looking at him.

Rose giggled again, finally kicking off her heels and fixing her dress. “Ilya didn’t expect how much vodka they manage to fit in those fruity martinis, and that was before we started doing shots. Your boy got wasted.”

Ilya wasn’t sure he knew what wasted meant right now even if he was sure he would know it when he was far more sober and had a better grasp of English. He could guess its meaning however, based on the context, and started to take offense, before a rush of joy swept it all away as he focused on the other part of the statement.

“Mmm, yes, your boy. I am your boy, your boyfriend.” He pulled Shane closer, nuzzling his nose against his.

“Ilya,” Shane raised an eyebrow. “You're my husband.”

“My god, your husband… Yes, I am your husband…” Ilya felt tears start to well up in his eyes. He decided kissing Shane immediately was more important than continuing to stare into Shane's eyes. He dove in and kissed Shane passionately, who was startled but returned it. Ilya immediately deepened the kiss, and Shane in his half-awake state forgot about their audience as Ilya's tongue slipped in between Shane's lips.

The kiss was turning dirtier as Ilya's hands crept downwards, when a wistful sigh broke them out of it. They parted, Shane panting slightly and Ilya looking like the smug cat who had got the cream, to look back over at Rose.

“Wow…” Rose was hugging Anya now, still sitting on the floor, and smiling contentedly up at them. “You guys are so cute. I'm just so happy for you guys, you know that right? I love you guys so much, and you're married and love each other so much, and it took so long but now I get to just be happy you're so in love. I love love, I love you.”

Shane blinked, visibly recalibrating after getting aggressively made out with by his skimpily dressed husband in front of his extremely drunk friend. “Ah, uh, thanks Rose. I love you too?”

Shane suddenly seemed to realize that he could not trust himself to resist a drunk, handsy, and besotted Ilya Rosanov, even in front of a guest, and he started to disentangle himself from Ilya.

Ilya resisted this as best as he could, doing his best impression of an octopus in love as he clung to Shane and whined, “Noooo, moya lyubov, let me kiss you more. I will make you feel soooo good.”

He tried to look seductive, but it was undermined slightly by the pouting. Shane's willpower proved stronger than Ilya's seductive puppy dog eyes, and he managed to pull himself out from Ilya's arms so he could offer a hand to Rose to help her up off the floor.

“Let's get you both some water, okay?”

Rose and Ilya pouted at him in unison.

⊱✿⊰

1:18 AM

It takes 15 minutes, a good deal of coaxing, several slaps of Ilya's hands away from Shane's ass, and one whispered promise of what could happen once Rose had left if Ilya cooperated, before Ilya and Rose are both seated at the counter of the kitchen, drinking Gatorade and eating through Ilya's non-Shane approved snack supply. The blissful silence of the deeply drunk eating unhealthy food filled the kitchen until it was suddenly broken.

“Wait,” Ilya suddenly stopped mid-sip of his Gatorade. “Shane!”

“Yes, Ilya?”

Ilya capped his Gatorade and held it out to Shane. “You drink this now.”

“Why?” Shane looked confused, and Ilya basked in how cute his husband looked when he was confused like that. His husband!

Shane continued, ignoring Ilya's absolute marital joy. “I’m not drunk. You need it more. Plus, I could just get my own, I've got the zero-sugar ones in the fridge.”

“No!” Ilya wiggled the Gatorade insistently. “You must drink after me, like our first date.”

“First date?” Rose asked around a mouthful of chips.

“Yes, our first date when we were 18, you were so sweaty and you stared at my dick.” Ilya smiled warmly at the nostalgic memory.

Rose let out a shocked and delighted gasp. “NO WAY!”

“What- Ilya, that was not our first date.” Shane flushed. “And I did not stare at your dick, you asshole!”

“You very much did stare! Is how I knew you liked my dick, and was how I knew I could get you hard in showers later on.”

“Oh my god,” Rose whispered as Shane sputtered.

“Shaneeee,” Ilya wiggled the Gatorade again. “You must drink it so I can drink again. Like our first kiss.”

Shane clearly wanted to fight the whole situation more, but Ilya's besotted expression was back, and they both knew Shane had no ability to truly deny it. With a grumble of, “That also wasn't our first kiss,” he took the Gatorade, and drank a bit then tried to hand it back.

“More.” The authoritative tone of the command was undercut slightly by the cheeky grin on Ilya's face as he said it.

Shane flushed, but also looked deeply exasperated, and drank more before offering it back with the look on his face that Ilya knew from years of experience was his, ‘I'm horny and I'm mad that I'm horny right now because of you’ expression.

Ilya did a happy wiggle, much like Anya would upon getting offered a treat, then took the Gatorade and drank deeply from it. He winked at Shane as he did so, and despite the decade spanning between them and that moment, it felt like in that moment both of them were back in a hotel gym again, flushed and curious. A small smile crept onto Shane's as he stared at his ridiculous husband, and Ilya smiled back around the Gatorade. Rose interrupted their moment again, this time with a hiccup and another sigh.

“Have I told you how much I love you guys yet?” Rose said, stumbling over the words as she did so. “Just like, so much.”

Ilya gulped down the rest of the gatorade, so he could say, with all of the enthusiasm of a drunk girl in a club bathroom, “I love you as well!”

A thought occurred to him, and he realized he needed Rose to know something. His expression turned serious, brows drawn together and eyes intense. “You are so lovely. I am not sorry my husband was too gay for your vagina because I am so glad you broke up and did not have beautiful babies together. But I am also very, very happy he had sad, doomed relationship with you so I could meet you.”

“Do you really need to phrase it like that?” Shane said, sounding tired but also a touch fond as he fought back a smile.

Both of them ignored him.

“Ilya, you're like, SO sweet.” Rose sniffed, suddenly looking on the verge of tears. She threw her arms around Ilya who laughed and happily returned the hug. “Like, Lemon Drop sweet, you know? I love you so much, did I say that yet?”

“You did! I love you too!” Ilya repeated happily.

The two hugged blissfully for a second, then Ilya whined, “Shaneeee, you are being boring. Get in here!”

“Yes! It's group hug time!” Rose exclaimed.

Shane laughed, and said, “Fine.”

Shane wrapped his arms around the two of them, setting Ilya and Rose off into drunken giggles once more. Ilya knew his husband well enough that he could feel Shane smiling into his hair as he hugged them both.

⊱✿⊰

1:42 AM

“And then he was gay too!”

“I would act shocked, but you did just say he told you Orlando Bloom was his favorite actor.”

Somehow, Ilya and Rose had ended up cuddled up in blankets on the couch, and talking about Rose's exes over Pirates of the Caribbean while they sobered up.

They had been wrangled there by a panicked Shane before, who was a bit frazzled after a period in which both were drunkenly crying because of Rose. She had shown Ilya the song “Me and My Husband” by Mitski earlier, which had reduced Ilya to tears as he repeatedly cried, “Shane, it is us! You are my husband and we are together!”

This had started Rose crying as well. They had only recently stopped sniffling, so Shane didn't even mind the current topic too much.

“God, you're so right. How did I not know until he was balls deep in me and going soft.” Rose threw her hands up in the air angrily. “How do I know so many gay people and still have such a bad gaydar?”

“Is honestly quite impressive. You must have record for straight woman who has fucked the most gay men.” Ilya smiled smugly suddenly, and he could see his beautiful husband stiffen and look at him warningly, “I do not have this problem. I have very good gaydar.”

“God, how do you do it? Help a girl out, please share your secrets. I'm so desperate to fuck someone who isn't turned off by boobs,” Rose pleaded. She stopped and looked down at where Ilya's chest was bulging through his sheer shirt. “Women boobs at least.”

Ilya winked at her, then continued. “I have secret weapon.” Ilya paused for dramatic effect, then said, “It is called my ass.”

“Ilya,” Shane groaned from where he was unsubtly hovering nearby.

“What? Is true!” Ilya preened. “If they check it out, I know they like dick. Worked on you.”

“Ilya…” Shane sounded even more tired, but also like he was fighting a laugh.

Rose looked enlightened. “God, that makes so much sense. You have a great ass.”

Ilya nodded proudly, then said supportively, “You have great ass too!”

“Ilya, you can't say that.”

“Shane, it is true! I know you do not like women, but trust me, it is a good ass!” Ilya protested then looked back at Rose seriously. “Rose, you must use your ass! If they check it out, then you know! This is how we will find you man who will stay hard while fucking you.”

“But what if they are just trying to look at my clothes? That's happened before.”

“Hmmm, you do have good style.” Ilya looked pensive. “Use your tits? You have good chest too.”

Rose sniffled again. Oh no. “You are so nice to me.”

Shane sighed and went to get the tissues. Again.

⊱✿⊰

8:18 AM

“Shannneeee, turn off the sun, it is too bright.” Ilya moaned pathetically from where his head was buried in his arms on the counter.

“Oh god, I haven't felt this bad since sophomore year when I tried Buzzballs.” Rose groaned. She matched Ilya's pose, and was drowning in an oversized Centaurs hoodie she had borrowed from Ilya.

Ilya lifted his head out of his arms to glare at Rose. “Why did you feed me poison, Rose. I thought you loved me!”

“I do!” Rose exclaimed, jerking her head up to look at Ilya then looking slightly green and gulping, “Shit.”

“No!” Ilya looked alarmed, and scrambled away from the counter to stand behind Shane. “No, no. Do not throw up near me, go, go.”

“I'm not! I'm not, just, fuck, oh god, let me-” Rose dropped her head to the counter, breathed in, breathed out, then said shakily, “Ok, I'm good.”

Ilya stared at her skeptically over Shane's shoulder. “I do not trust you.”

Shane sighed and put down two plates with ibuprofen, “Ok, everyone, here's your meds, and here's eggs and toast.”

Ilya looked up hopefully, “The good toast, not the sad kind? With real butter.”

Shane sighed again. “Yes, Ilya.”

“Thank god!” Ilya dropped back down into his seat and started eating. Rose knocked back a couple pills, and tentatively followed his example, looking very hesitant to be eating anything as she did so.

“Now what have we learned?” Shane prompted.

“Do not trust Rose to pick drinks.” Ilya stated confidently around a mouthful of toast.

“Hey!” Rose looked indignant. “I didn't make you order 4 of them then do shots.”

“They taste like there is no alcohol! How was I supposed to know there was actual vodka in them! Just tasted like sweet lemons.” Ilya protested, then winced at his own volume. “Shane, why have you not turned off the sun yet? Is still too bright.”

Rose groaned, “The better question is why your house is just floor to ceiling windows. You seriously don't have to live in an aquarium all the time to be hockey players, you know that, right?”

After being a part of many conversations between Shane, Mr. Real Estate, and Yuna Hollander, the one that Mr. Real Estate had gotten it from, Ilya knew exactly what Shane was about to say. He chimed in at the same time as his husband to say, in sync, “Real estate with more natural light has greater-”

Shane spluttered. “Oh, fuck off, asshole.”

Ilya pulled out his saddest puppy eyes. “You call me asshole when I am in pain and suffering? What happened to in sickness and in health?”

“I think anyone who saw what you are like hungover would make an exception for me.” Despite his words, Shane smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Ilya's head as Ilya pouted.

“God, I feel so single right now. When am I going to find a relationship like yours?” Rose whined sadly.

“Ah, about that.” Ilya put his hand out to Rose, “Give me your phone.”

“Huh?” Rose looked at him confused.

“You have phone, give.” Ilya could hear Shane chuckling next to him.

“Ok?” Rose handed her phone over. “Do I get to know why?”

Ilya doublechecks the number on his phone as he types in a new contact on Rose’s phone, labels it, “Cliff Marleau, 95% Straight Man” and hands it back to her. He can see Shane looking over his shoulder as he types and when he looks over, he’s got one eyebrow raised.

“95%?”

Ilya nods, “Yes, years of showering together, he never checks out my ass.”

Rose looked impressed, then confused. “Wait, then what is the 5%?”

Ilya shrugs and smirks, “He has checked out my chest. So he likes tits. You are good to go.”

Rose looked at Ilya with deep admiration in her eyes. “Ilya, I love you, have I told you that?”

Ilya shrugs humbly and smiles back at her, “I think you have mentioned so, yes.”

⊱✿⊰

They send Rose off with hugs and waves, and one promise from Ilya to do it all over again, and then the house is quiet, just them and Anya again.

Shane bites his lip, and tugs at Ilya's hand. “Hey, come with me?”

“Hmmm?” Ilya hums with interest, a seductive expression forming. “We are celebrating having house to ourselves again? Of course I will come with you. You do owe me after all.”

“No, well, later, of course. Just shut up for now and follow me.”

Bemused, Ilya follows Shane to the living room, Shane drops his hand to start fiddling with his phone.

“Oh, you ignore me now, after I trustingly follow you to whatever trap you have-” Ilya is cut off as clapping begin to burst out of the sound system of their living room. Over the speakers, Whitney Houston coos and begins to sing about wanting to dance with somebody who loves her.

Ilya feels the same warm flush of love that has been persistently attacking him since he was a teen, staring at the man who would become his husband one day. The man who now had his hand held out to him, shoulders starting to move to the beat in a way that was undeniably a little penguin-like.

“Solnyshko,” Ilya whispers with a smile, “Does this mean… You will grind on me?”

Shane laughs and shrugs, “If you want.”

With a grin, Ilya takes Shane's hand. “Come here, moy lyubov, I will teach you how to dance.”

⊱✿⊰