Chapter 1

Shane’s phone is dead, so he can’t check it when he gets onto the bus to head back to the hotel. It sucks, sure, but, also, he’d just lost against Washington, which was annoying, and he just knows that Ilya is going to give him shit for it later, considering he won his match against Carolina. So, there’s at least some plus sides to his phone being dead. He shuts his eyes and leans all the way back against his seat, stretching his neck to the left and the right, trying to tune out all of the noise in this bus right now when J.J. gasps practically into his ear (even though he’s not even right next to Shane), “Woah, shit. The Centaurs’ plane crashed earlier.” Shane has never moved so fast in his entire life, his eyes fly open, widening as he twists his head to stare straight at J.J., who’s in the same row as him across the aisle, “Wait, what? Are you sure?” “Yeah,” J.J. nods, turning his phone to Shane but he can’t even read the words on the screen. Panic is flooding his veins, worry has him entirely encompassed, everything goes completely quiet except for a ringing deep inside his ears. He reaches for his phone in his pocket, trying to turn it on when he remembers it’s fucking dead. “Shit,” He mutters to himself, looking around, just trying to figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do right now. Okay, um, this is fine, this is okay, he looks at J.J., “Is everyone okay? Everyone’s okay, right?” J.J. frowns a little bit, shrugging, “I am not sure, they do not say here. Are you okay?” “I’m-” Shane nods, trying to calm himself down because it’s really not a good look for him to be panicking right now, “I’m fine.” He has to be fine. And Shane doesn’t mean himself, he means Ilya. Ilya has to be fine. Right? He holds his breath, riddled with nerves, and, like some kind of angel, Hayden, who’s sitting next to him, hands him a portable charger, silently and knowingly. “Oh my god, thank you, thank you so much,” Shane whispers in relief, frantically plugging his phone in. He misses the first couple of times and has to force himself to take a deep breath so his hands steady a bit. “What is going on, Shane?” J.J. asks, turning his entire body in his chair so that his legs are in the aisle and he’s facing Shane entirely, “You don’t seem fine.” He taps at his leg anxiously, impatiently staring at his phone, waiting for it to just turn on. It’s taking way too long; he needs it to turn on, he needs to make sure Ilya is- God, alive. His entire body feels heavy and full of dread as he thinks of the possibility of Ilya being dead in a crashed plane right now, he can’t think straight knowing that Ilya is more than likely, at the very least, injured in some way right now and Shane has just been oblivious and playing hockey.. He tries to take a deep breath but the air won’t come in properly, it’s shaky and unsure. He needs to be fucking normal, he’s surrounded by all of his teammates right now and he really doesn’t want to bring attention to himself, not right now. But he just doesn’t know how he’s possibly supposed to act normal right now knowing that the love of his life has been in a plane crash and he has no idea if he’s okay. Finally, before he can spiral into even more thoughts of tragedy, his phone lights up and starts to power on. He stares at it and swears this is the longest it’s ever taken to power on before. Hayden leans over and whispers, just loud enough for only Shane to hear, “He’s gonna be okay, dude.” Shane wants to snap. He wants to tell Hayden that he doesn’t know, that he has no idea if that’s true. He wants to scream and say anything is possible, tell him not to jinx it. But he can’t. No words come out, his eyes are entirely focused on the phone screen until it finally turns onto his lockscreen. He swipes up and types in his password quickly, scrolling down to check his notifications, any sign of life from his partner. He sees a few missed calls from his mom and a couple from his dad and his mind goes insane with possibility. He can’t even breathe right now as he scrolls some more and sees Instagram DMs from Ilya’s account, all he can read at first is, ”I love you. Always. Maybe from th…” He doesn’t hesitate in clicking on the notification to bring him straight to their DMs. There’s not much there in it, they rarely use this to talk since they have each other’s phone numbers, of course, but it’s useful when they only have access to wi-fi and, there, in front of Shane’s eyes, on his phone screen, there are messages that make him grip his phone harder. Ilya Rozanov I love you. Always. Maybe from the first time I saw you. I am thinking only about you right now. A million memories. Thank you for those. Whatever happens, I am with you. Safe in your heart. I believe it. Shane feels a stinging in the very back of his nose as his eyes start to fill with tears. He tries to bite them back, he’s surrounded by all of his teammates right now and they- Fuck, they can’t know anything because what he has with Ilya is a damn secret. He looks toward the window so that only Hayden can see the emotion on his face, so that he can hide it from everybody else. He hates it all so much, the love of his life was just in a plane crash and he can’t even react emotionally because it might out them or, at the very least, raise some kind of questions- Or, maybe Shane is overthinking it. People know they’re friends now and- He takes a sharp intake of air, trying to get himself out of his damn head so much as he rereads the messages over and over again. They were obviously sent before the plane crashed so the very last ounce of logic that Shane still has left in his brain tells him that there’s still a possibility that he’s okay. Somehow, someway. And, also, this is making him realize that maybe he’s being a bit of an idiot, being so dead set on keeping them a secret. Maybe Ilya was right to kick him out, to tell him to go home. Maybe Shane needs to loosen up a little bit, maybe he should’ve agreed to go to the damn party and- Fuck, he really needs to get in contact with someone who knows something about whether or not his boyfriend is still breathing right now because he can't keep thinking like this. He squeezes his eyes shut, forcing the tears to go away and he calls his mom back, holding the phone up to his ear, hoping that she, somehow, has some kind of update for him; he knows that Ilya made Yuna her emergency contact a while ago, just in case, so if anybody is going to be able to tell him anything it’s going to be her. Unless she hasn’t heard any news, unless he’s dead at the crash site and they can’t identify his body, unless they- ”He’s okay,” His mom says the moment she answers the phone, barely even letting it ring one time and, yeah, she really does know her son. She knows that that had to be the very first thing out of her mouth before anything, otherwise Shane would spiral. (As if he hasn’t already been spiraling.) He takes in a breath and lets it out, shakily, “I’m on the bus right now, with my team,” He says, just above a whisper; he could talk normally, he knows that, the bus is loud enough that nobody except Hayden and maybe J.J. would be able to hear him but, honestly, he doesn’t think he has the energy to speak any louder. ”Okay,” Yuna answers, understanding that that means he can’t speak as freely as he wants to right now- he can barely do this around all of his teammates but he just needed to make sure Ilya’s alive. He would not be able to finish this bus ride not knowing if Ilya is alive or not. ”He’s in a hospital in Florida right now, I’ll text you the name. He’s broken his arm and had to have surgery to repair something in his abdomen, debris from the plane hit him, the doctor says he’s gonna be out for the rest of the season. The doctor also said that he might need another surgery soon but this one can wait until your dad and I are there. We’re flying out tomorrow afternoon. We’ve booked the flight and looked at-” Hearing about Ilya’s injuries makes his stomach twirl into knots, he needs to be with Ilya, he needs to be there right now, “I’ll be there by the morning.” He settles on, knowing it’s impossible for him to make it to Florida instantly. ”What? The soonest flight out of Washington to Florida isn’t until noon tomorrow, we checked for you and-” “I’m gonna rent a car and drive there,” Shane says without skipping a beat. He doesn’t care about anything except being with Ilya right now. ”Shane,” Yuna says in her very best mom voice and it would intimidate Shane if he could focus on anything but Ilya right now, ”Do not be reckless. You just played a difficult game, you need to rest, then you can fly out tomorrow.” “I can’t rest, mom,” Shane whispers, trying his very best not to completely break down but he feels so vulnerable, “I need to see…” He trails off, not wanting to say him in case someone - J.J. probably - is listening. Yuna sighs and the next thing she says is, ”Give the phone to Hayden.” “What-” ”Shane Hollander, I know you’re sitting next to Hayden, so give the phone to him right now or so help me-” “Okay, okay,” Shane quickly shoves the phone and battery pack into Hayden’s hand, “She wants to talk to you.” Hayden furrows his eyebrows but brings the phone up to his ear nonetheless. Shane can’t hear what his mom is saying but he hears Hayden humming in agreement and nodding his head, saying, “Yes, of course. No problem.” Then, when he takes it away from his ear, the call is over. “What just happened?” Shane asks. “I’m coming with you, apparently,” Hayden slowly gives Shane his phone back, “She doesn’t want you to do that drive alone and all emotional, so you just signed me up for a very long trip. Also she says she loves you.” Shane shakes his head and rolls his eyes, “She’s just being protective, you don’t have to come. I know you want to get back to Jackie and the kids and-” “I’m coming,” Hayden says very sure of himself this time, “I just keep thinking that, y’know, if this were Jackie, I’d want you there with me, so…” J.J. then finally chimes in, “Okay I am very confused, what is happening? Where are you guys going together? And why are we comparing whatever is going on to Hayden’s wife?” Fuck. Okay. So J.J. has been listening. Shane doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know if he should just tell J.J. the truth once they get back to the hotel or if he should just try to make up some sort of excuse. He thinks about the argument he had with Ilya about how Ilya doesn’t tell people but that Shane has told so many and- Shane feels completely conflicted but he also feels like maybe, just maybe, he’s done hiding. This has put things into perspective for him more than anything else ever has before and he hates that he can’t just easily be honest about what’s going on. He hates that it has to be an entire battle in his mind. Shane decides to just be sort of honest with him without telling him the explicit truth, “Uh- Um,” He sighs, “I can’t tell you right now, honestly, I just- I just can’t tell you but I…” He trails off, trying to find the right words to use, “will. Eventually.” J.J. looks like he’s about to protest when Hayden cuts in with, “C’mon, J.J., man, it’s really not the time to argue.” “Okay, fine, fine,” J.J. holds his hands up in the air defensively and turns his body back around so that he’s sitting in his seat normally again. Waiting for the bus to stop is probably the most grueling thing Shane has had to go through in a long time. He stares at the seat in front of him, just waiting and waiting, unable to pay attention to anything else. Once it finally stops, he rushes off before anybody else can so that he can get up to his hotel room and make rental car arrangements. Hayden shows up in the room not too long after and Shane’s never been more grateful that he’s rooming with Hayden. “He’s okay, you know,” Hayden whispers as if there might still be people around who can hear them, “Yuna said that his surgery went well and-” “And he might need to have another one!” Shane snaps, turning to look at Hayden, “He’s hurt, Hayd. He’s hurt and I’m not with him and I should be with him, I should be there and-” “Hey,” Hayden whispers, shaking his head, “There was absolutely no way you could’ve known that this was going to happen, don’t blame yourself for not being there. The important thing is that we will be there, right?” Shane clenches his jaw and turns away from Hayden, finally letting himself cry. The tears fall down his cheeks quickly and he reaches up to wipe them away, “What if-” He tries to speak through deep breaths, “something happens and I’m not there with him and he-” He sniffs through his nose and looks back to his best friend, “what if he dies, Hayden?” “That is not going to happen,” Hayden assures him, taking a step forward to place a hand on Shane’s shoulder, “It’s not going to happen, your mom said that the doctors are very hopeful for a full recovery, he’s going to be okay.” Shane knows that, logically he knows that, but he can’t stop his mind from jumping to the absolute worst conclusions. “We need to go,” Shane decides, his brain kicking into panic do something mode, “I looked it up and it’s a 13 hour drive. I spoke to a rental car place that’s open right now and I already paid, we just need to go there so I can sign some papers and pick up the car. I called an uber already and-” “Okay,” Hayden places his other hand on Shane’s other shoulder, “Take a deep breath and calm down, yeah?” Shane nods. Yeah. He’s right, he’s really definitely right. Shane takes a deep breath and tries to ground himself. “Alright,” Hayden smiles and brings his hands back to himself, “Let’s grab our things, go tell Coach that we’re leaving, and then we can go wait for the Uber outside, okay? I already called Jackie so she knows I won’t be home, it’s going to be okay.” Shane nods again, not able to find it in himself to say anything. Luckily, they never really fully unpack stuff so it’s easy for them to grab their bags and head out. They make their way to their coach’s hotel room and knock on the door. It takes a few moments for an answer but eventually the door is swinging open and their coach is on the other side, looking tired, “Hollander, Pike, what can I do for you?” “Uh,” Shane starts, “I have a family emergency so I won’t be on the flight with the team tomorrow and Hayden’s coming with me.” “Um,” He looks taken aback, “Okay, where are you guys going? How are you getting there?” “It’s personal,” Is all that Shane answers to the first question, “and we’re renting a car.” “And we have to go, our uber is almost here,” Hayden adds, not allowing for anymore conversation. They make their way out of the hotel and to the point that Shane had declared as the pickup area. The uber gets there about a minute after they both do and toss their bags into the trunk before making their way into the back seat together. The driver is an older woman and, thankfully, she doesn’t seem to recognize who they are, which is a relief to Shane because he doesn’t think he could handle being noticed by a fan right now, not in the state he’s in right now. He stays silent the entire drive and he’s thankful for Hayden being there at the moment because he’s handling all of the small talk with the driver. Eventually, they pull into the rental car place and get out quickly, tipping the driver well, and even more quickly getting out to gather their things. The rental car place worker that Shane had spoken to on the phone meets them as soon as they walk into the building. She already has all of the paperwork ready for him to sign - which both he and Hayden have to do since they’ll both be driving - and then hands him the keys after leading them to the car. They put their things into the trunk and they decide that Shane should drive first just because he knows that he won’t be able to sleep so it’ll be useful for Hayden to get some sleep before taking a turn driving. Shane pulls up directions on his phone and starts the drive, Hayden in the passenger seat, “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” “Yes, Hayden,” Shane assures, hands gripped on the steering wheel, carefully watching the road, “I’m not going to start having some sort of breakdown while driving.” “Hey, you never know,” Hayden crosses his arms, leaning backward in his seat, “but if you’re sure you’re not gonna crash and kill us, then I’ll get some sleep.” “I’m sure.” So, Hayden falls asleep and, for the first hour, Shane is very much focused on the road. He tries not to think about Ilya in a plane crash, he tries not to think about Ilya in an operating room or a hospital bed. He’s successful at first, it’s easy for him to drown out those thoughts with the road and paying attention to the other cars around him. Then hour two hits and Shane is getting a little less good at turning away the thoughts of Ilya. They’re overwhelming and he’s just scared for him, he wants him to be okay, he knows he’s alive and, as of right now, doing well, but anything could change in any instance. Hell, it only took one second for Ilya’s plane to start crashing, right? Shane manages to keep his focus on the road, though. Hours three and four go by incredibly slowly, mostly just because Shane wants to be there already. He wants to be at Ilya’s side and he doesn’t feel okay right now because he isn’t. Hayden wakes up during hour five, asking Shane if he wants to switch at all but Shane says no. The driving is helping him have a distraction, it’s helping him not think so much about Ilya and he wants to keep it that way for now because thinking about Ilya hurts. Hayden doesn’t argue and he sleeps again for the rest of hour five but wakes up again near the start of hour six without any intention of sleeping anymore. They make conversation about hockey and Hayden’s family, Shane mentions needing to come around to see them all again sometimes soon. They start listening to an audiobook for a while, it’s never really been Shane’s thing but Hayden likes to listen to them so it doesn’t really matter to Shane much. Halfway through hour seven, they decide to stop for gas. They still have an okay amount, this rental car gets really good gas mileage and they got it on a full tank, but they don’t want to risk being stuck in the middle of nowhere, so they decide to fill up before continuing on. “Alright,” Hayden says after filling up the tank, “we’re switching now, okay?” Shane wants to argue but decides against it because he knows that Hayden is right, he really shouldn’t do the entire drive himself. So, he climbs into the passenger seat and lets Hayden do some of the driving. Shane tries to distract himself by staring out at the road, scrolling on his phone, talking to Hayden, and, honestly, just trying not to think of Ilya at all. (It doesn’t work.) Hours eight and nine are slow going but it’s hour ten that gets Shane’s heart skipping a beat. His phone rings and Shane is very ready to press ignore until he looks down and sees, ”Lily,” flashing on the screen in front of him. He’s pretty sure he’s never answered a call so quickly before. He takes a deep breath, ready to speak, when Ilya’s voice is already ringing into his ears, ”Shut up,” He says in that beautiful Russian accent that Shane adores, the one he’s missed, the one he’s absolutely needed to hear ever since he heard that Ilya had been in a plane crash. The sound of Ilya’s voice almost renders him speechless but he manages to mutter, “I didn’t even say anything.” Ilya chuckles softly on the other line but it sounds a little painful for him and, from his voice, he sounds exhausted, ”I know you did not but you were going to say something sappy and I do not want to handle sappy right now” “You’re such an asshole,” Shane scoffs into his phone in an attempt to seem annoyed as he tries to ignore the way his heart beats faster in his chest, relieved to be hearing Ilya’s voice, and he lets out a deep breath, “Actually, I don’t even care. It’s so good to hear your voice, I’ve been terrified, Ilya.” ”I know, Sweetheart,” Ilya says it with complete ernest, no teasing lilt in the tone of his voice like there was earlier, ”For what it’s worth, I am sorry.” “You don’t need to be sorry, you just need to be okay,” Shane settles on, “and I know we have a lot to talk about but right now I just…” ”Later,” Ilya agrees easily, ”That can be later.” Thank god.

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

SO HOW ARE WE FEELING ABOUT THE LAST EPISODE OF HEATED RIVALRY GUYS??? BC IM NOT OKAY PERSONALLY. I NEED SEASON TWO RIGHT THIS INSTANT. I WAS. NOT READY FOR THIS LAST EPISODE AND IVE READ THE BOOOKS DHAGLDSFKJGLDKFJ SCREAMS SO LOUD. I just still wasn't prepared, that episode was so good and I sent my friends a series of videos that add up to abt 11 minutes of me just crashing out after watching anyway someone should come follow me on tumblr @icantthinkofagoodusername7 so that I can scream with someone about it or something. Or ig you could just follow me for whismy idk man. See the end of the chapter for more notes Shane takes a moment to just calm his nerves. He’s heard Ilya’s voice, he knows, completely, for certain, that he’s okay. He’s heard that he’s okay and it makes Shane’s mind finally, finally calm the hell down. “I miss you,” Ilya whispers into the phone. Shane leans into the phone and clenches it a little tighter, “I miss you too, so much. I’ll be there soon..” “You are coming here? The doctor told me I am in Florida, you are very far away.” “I know,” Shane leans back into his chair, finally able to relax just the smallest amount finally, “I rented a car.” ”Shane, you do not need to drive all the way here, I will be okay. Yuna and David are on flight here, I got text. I saw itwhen I woke up. I will be home in few days, I am sure. We can see each other there.” Shane scoffs and shakes his head, “No, Ilya, absolutely not. I’m- I need to see you, okay?” He admits, sighing softly, “I really need to see you and I’m already about three hours away, so there’s no use turning back now.” “Oh, Shane. Are you okay?” “Hey, I’m supposed to be the one asking you that question. You’re the one who got hurt.” ”Yes, but I scared you, no?” Shane stays quiet. ”I remember when you got hurt on ice, before I came to the cottage, and I remember being so very scared. So, I cannot imagine how you feel right now. I do not know how I would feel if you had been in plane crash. So, Shane, are you okay?” Shane’s eyes fill with tears, his emotions overwhelming him, “When I saw your messages,” Shane starts to whisper, kind of not wanting Hayden to hear what he’s saying - he doesn’t want this moment to be between anybody but him and Ilya - letting himself cry as he bites the inside of his cheek, “I was terrified, I was- I don’t know, I thought you were dead, Ilya, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with that. But,” He takes a deep breath and smiles through his tears, “I am okay now, and I’ll be better when I see you.” ”I cannot wait to see you, moya lyubov. Ya tebya lyublyu.” “I love you too, we’ll be there soon, okay?” ”Okay. I will not be going anywh- Wait one second, we? Who is with you?” “Oh, Hayden,” Shane answers easily, forgetting that he hadn’t mentioned that already. It causes Hayden to look over for a moment until Hayden realizes that the only reason Shane said his name was as an answer to a question on the phone. “Ugh,” Ilya grunts and Shane can quite literally hear the way he’s rolling his eyes, ”Why is he coming, I do not want to see Hayden Pike.” Shane laughs softly because, well, at least he knows it’s definitely Ilya on the other line, “Mom just didn’t want me doing this drive alone.” ”So the answer was Hayden Pike?” “Mhm.” ”Boring.” Shane scoffs without any malice but, rather, in an amused way, “He’s not boring and it’s been nice to have him with me.” ”Fine, fine,” Ilya clicks his tongue, ”I suppose I am glad that he has been here for you then and- He gets cut off by, what Shane assumed to be, the door of his hospital room opening and Shane hears another voice for a few moments before Ilya’s voice seems to get closer to the microphone as he says, ”There is nurse in here to do things, I have to hang up.” “Okay,” Shane whispers, his heart dropping because he wants, more than anything, to just talk to Ilya for the rest of this drive but he knows that that’s implausible. Ilya needs rest and the nurses and doctors have to do their jobs. So, as much as Shane doesn’t like it, he lets it happen, “I’ll see you soon, I love you.” ”Ya tebya lyublyu.” Then, Shane hangs up and drops his phone onto his lap, looking out onto the road. “That was good, yeah?” Hayden asks, taking a glance over to Shane before bringing his eyes back to the road. Shane nods, “Really good. I needed to hear his voice.” “I’m sure,” Hayden says softly. The rest of the trip is fairly quiet, neither of them say much and Shane even manages to sleep for about an hour. They stop for food when they’re almost there, Shane doesn’t eat much because he doesn’t have much of an appetite, but Hayden gets him to eat something, which he knows is necessary. Shane barely even wants to wait for Hayden to park the car when they get to the hospital, he has half the mind to jump out while it’s still moving and, while he knows he’d be fine because it’s going very slow, he knows that’s not the wisest decision. So, rather impatiently, he waits for Hayden to find a parking spot and pull into it. He even has the willpower to stay in his seat for 2 minutes before going inside to ask Hayden, “You’re still okay with picking up my parents from the airport, right? I know you’ve done a lot of driving, so I can order them a ride if you’d pre-” “Take a breath, dude,” Hayden reaches over the middle console to pat Shane on the shoulder, “I can go get them, it’s not a problem. Now can we please go inside so that you can see Rozanov and I can stretch my legs?” Shane doesn’t even give that a verbal answer, he just gets out of the car and follows the signs that lead him to the entrance. Hayden is following behind him and when they make it into the hospital, they go up to some sort of nurse’s station or something - Shane isn’t quite sure, he’s normally in the hospital as the patient, so this is a bit of a different experience - and wait for the woman who’s standing there to get off the phone. Eventually she does and brings her attention to them, a bright smile on her face, “Good morning! How can I help you two?” “I need to see Ilya Rozanov,” Shane answers quickly and quietly, still having that underlying feeling of embarrassment when saying his name out loud in any kind of personal matter. The nurse nods, knowingly, “I had assumed you guys were here for one of the hockey players, considering…” She trails off but gestures to Shane and Hayden as a whole, indicating she knows who they are. It doesn’t bode well for Shane, he was really hoping he just wouldn’t be recognized but, well, apparently you can find a fan of hockey anywhere. Luckily, she doesn’t seem to make any sort of big deal out of it, just types a few things on the computer in front of her and then smiles back up at Shane, “Alright, if I could just get both of your IDs, please? Then I can go ahead and get you those visitor passes!” “Yeah, great, yeah,” Shane nods, reaching into his pocket to grab his wallet, quickly pulling his ID out of it and handing it over to the nurse. He looks over to Hayden who’s patting at his pockets with no luck, “Shit,” He mumbles, “I think I left mine in the car.” Shane’s about to say something but then Hayden continues on, “Y’know what, it’s fine, I’ll just go get your parents from the airport and come back with my ID, okay? They’re about to land anyway, aren’t they?” Shane looks up at the clock on the wall and nods, “In 15 minutes, yeah.” “I should get started to the airport then, uhm, you’ll be fine by yourself, right? You’re not gonna go cause trouble or something and-” Shane fights back a laugh and a roll of his eyes, “I’m not one of your kids, Hayden.” “Right, shit, sorry,” He squeezes his eyes shut and opens them back up, “I will back,” He points both of his pointer fingers at Shane while walking backward. “Watch where you’re going, Mr. Pike!” The nurse shouts toward him. This causes Hayden to turn around and pay attention to where he’s walking. “Thank you, Hayden,” Shane waves to him and then turns back to the nurse, who still has his ID. It doesn’t take her long to look at it and verify it. Then, she pulls out a sticker and writes his name on it before handing it to him, “Please put that in an easily visible spot.” Shane nods, taking the back off of this sticker and sticking it onto the top left of his shirt, just about over his heart. “Awesome,” The nurse clasps her hands together in something of a clap and then takes them back apart to type something on her keyboard, “Alright, Ilya Rozanov is going to be in room 1221.” Shane’s laughter is completely unexpected and improper in this circumstance but he simply can’t hold it back. It comes out before he even registers the need to laugh. He covers his mouth and tries to will the laughter to go away, attempting to apologize to the nurse, “Sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just, like, an inside joke,” He tries to lie. Or, well, is it even really a lie? It is an inside joke of some sort, it’s just, like, what are the odds? Like, he obviously doesn’t remember the number of every single hotel room he and Ilya have hooked up in, that would absurd, so what are the odds that the hospital room he’s in right now is the same number as one of the hotel room numbers he does remember. (The only reason he remembers the number is because of also remembering being mortified at the thought of Scott Hunter right next door.) So, genuinely, what even are the odds of this happening? Shane doesn’t even know but he does know that he needs to take a deep breath and calm himself. The nurse just laughs and nods politely, “Alright, well, just go on down that hallway and follow the signs, you should find room 1221 in no time. If you have any trouble, there should be plenty of staff on your way who can help point you in the correct direction.” Shane presses his lips tightly together to hold back his laughter as he forces out a smile and says, “Thank you.” He very quickly walks away from her, no longer wanting to make a fool of himself. Thankfully, he manages to successfully follow the signs without needing to stop and ask for help. At least he has that much going for him. He slips into the room quickly, shutting the door behind him. When he sees Ilya, he feels like all of the oxygen is extracted from his body and he opens his mouth, desperately trying to gain some of it back. There’s a bandage on his head and smaller cuts and scrapes on his face. He’s got wires and an IV connected to him and Shane’s a little bit afraid to do anything in fear of doing something wrong, so he just speaks, whispering, “Hi.” “Hello,” Ilya looks like he’s trying his best not to cry, Shane knows that face all too well these days. It breaks his heart and he starts to walk forward to comfort him when he catches a glimpse of the room number again. Then, Shane laughs. He breaks down into a full belly laughter, he can’t contain himself, and it definitely gets him a strange look from Ilya. Ilya’s eyebrows furrow together and he tries to sit up a bit, rather unsuccessfully, which causes Shane to lunge forward, still full laughter, trying to talk through it, “No, no, don’t sit up, you have to- I can’t breathe oh my god- you have to rest-” “What is this laughing for? Nothing is funny. Nobody told joke, Hollander, why are you…” He gestures to Shane’s entire self, referencing the fact that he can’t hold in his laughter. “Do-” He laughs some more, making his way closer to Ilya’s side and taking a deep breath, “Do you know what room number you're in?” “Yes, of course I do?” Ilya raises his eyebrows, unamused, “1-2-2-1, what is funny about 1-2- 2-1? Hm?” That sobers Shane right up, his eyes widening, “You don’t remember?” “Remember what, Shane?” Shane takes a deep breath and chuckles out a little bit more laughter before taking in Ilya some more, “Okay, well, first of all, I’m so glad you’re okay, Ilya, I was-” “I know,” Ilya nods, holding his hand outward to Shane, who hesitates to grab it out of habit, “It is very private room, Shane, will you please just hold your injured boyfriend’s hand?” “Yes, yeah, no yeah, of course,” Shane shakes his head and nods all in the same motion, moving forward to be right next to Ilya, grabbing his hand confidently. He brings it up to his mouth and kisses at the bruised knuckles, whispering, “I love you,” He kisses again, “Ya tebya lyublyu,” Another kiss, “I love you.” “Okay, okay,” Ilya pulls his hand away from Shane’s mouth but doesn’t let their hands part, “I love you too, okay? It is enough sap for one morning already, yes?” “Never,” Shane disagrees, sneaking one more kiss down to Ilya’s knuckles and then sneaking a quick one to his lips, which Ilya chases after, “I’ve been going crazy these last 15 hours.” “I am okay, see?” Ilya says with that usual confidence in his voice, staring down at himself then back up at Shane as a gesture, “Still perfect, even while wounded.” Shane laughs, shaking his head, “You’re an asshole.” “Yes, yes, we have established that many, many years ago,” Ilya leans back in his bed again, “now, tell me, what is so funny you were not able to breathe.” “Oh!” Shane buries his face in his hand for a moment and then takes a deep breath, “Okay, so, the All-Star game in 2011? Remember it?” “You expect me to remember something from decade ago?” Ilya raises his eyebrows in that way he does whenever he’s not really asking a question but, rather, making a statement in the form of a question, “I have head injury! Concussion, Shane. I do not remember decade-ago All-Star game. Is too long ago and I am pretty sure I would not remember it even if I did not have head injury.” Shane looks up to the roof and just half laughs and half whines. He takes a deep breath and then looks back down at Ilya’s face, “Okay, well, we hooked up in your hotel room that year and the room number was 1221.” “Oh my god, Shane, do you remember every number of every hotel room we have ever hooked up in?” Ilya looks genuinely concerned for Shane’s mental health at the moment and Shane wouldn’t be able to blame him if what he were saying were true, “Because that is a lot of numbers. You do not need to remember those, you know? They are-” “Okay, shut up,” Shane cuts him off, “I don’t remember every hotel room number we’ve ever hooked up in. This one was different, okay? It was the All-Star game where you beat the shot accuracy record, then I beat you right afterward, is this ringing any bells? The room was right next door to Scott Hunter and-” Ilya lets out a big, boisterous laugh and then winces, “Oh my god, Shane, oh it hurts,” He throws his head backward and whines dramatically, “It hurts so much, do not make me laugh like that.” Shane’s face drops from amusement and moves his free hand to Ilya’s shoulder, trying to help stabilize him, “Are you okay? Do you need me to get a doctor?” “No, no,” Ilya shakes his head quickly, “I am being dramatic, I am fine, do not worry.” Shane is skeptical and is definitely worrying but he decides against going to get a doctor. “I just cannot believe that that is such core memory for you,” Ilya squeezes at Shane’s hand, “I remember thinking you were actually being chased that day, I was worried paparazzi or someone was about to come through the door right behind you or something. Only to find you were worried about Scott Hunter next door.” Shane hangs his head down , staring at the floor, “I know, I know. This isn’t even the point of my story. I just-” He takes a deep breath and picks his head back up, “The nurse I spoke to to get my visitors pass mentioned the room number to me and I ended up laughing a lot and she was definitely confused. And concerned probably. I think I humiliated myself.” Ilya laughs again, “Oh dear, oh god, what did I say about making me laugh, Hollander, oh fuck,” He uses his free hand to press against his stomach, “It actually hurts this time, okay? No more laughter, no more jokes, no more funny. You go grab chair and sit next to me, I want to be with you right now.” Shane can’t help but smile and immediately follow Ilya’s request, happy that he even makes the request so easily, happy that he’s so honest about his feelings, about just wanting to be with Shane right now. It makes Shane’s heart feel so, so full.

Chapter End Notes

still not over hr being over, can s2 release date pls be announced so i have a date to look forward to pretty please ANYWAY last chapter coming on saturday probably bc ill be busy on friday aka tomorrow but if i get home early maybe it'll be out idk idk anyway once again come follow me on tumblr @icantthinkofagoodusername7 im actually active on there nowadays which is wild, anyway. um. i hope yall enjoyed this chapter, it was shorter than the last one BUT the next one is gonna be full of more good shane worrying abt ilya stuff and its gonna be super duper sweet and omg i need to go to sleep its about 11:30pm and i have to wake up at 3am to drive someone to the airport. okay bye.

Chapter 3

Chapter Notes

OKAY LAST CHAPTER I HOPE YOU ENJOY #WOOHOO See the end of the chapter for more notes Sitting in a chair at Ilya’s bedside, holding his hand, is everything that Shane needs right now after the night he just had. He sandwiches Ilya’s hand in both of his own, using his thumb to gently brush along Ilya’s knuckles, “Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?” “I am fine,” Ilya assures him quickly, sighing, “I have told you that how many times in last 10 minutes?” “Well, I’m sorry that I worry about you,” Shane takes away one of his hands to scratch at the side of his face, using his other hand to interlock fingers with Ilya. Ilya nods, pursing his lips, “Right, right, is very sweet, I am lucky to have such caring boyfriend, yes?” Shane rolls his eyes, “I’ll leave.” “You will not,” Ilya says a bit too confidently for Shane’s liking. (He’s right. Shane’s not going anywhere.) “I could.” “Sure,” Ilya agrees easily, squeezing at Shane’s hand once, “but you will not.” Shane doesn’t want to smile in the moment, he wants to continue to bicker with Ilya, but he can’t help it. A smile spreads across his face and he just stares at the love of his life, so incredibly grateful for him being here right now, still alive. “Agh,” Ilya throws his head backward, “You are thinking about sappy shit again, aren’t you?” “Maybe,” Shane whispers, bringing his other hand back to Ilya’s, resuming the sandwich. He lets his head fall forward, resting his forehead on their hands, “It has been a long night and morning and evening, too, I guess.” Ilya brings his own free hand over to Shane’s hand, digging his fingers into his hair. This is the one with the IV connected to it, so he doesn’t do too much moving. His hand is mostly just a presence lying there, “Thank you for coming. I know I said on the phone that you did not have to but I am happy that you are here.” Shane rotates his head so that he can look at Ilya’s face, allowing his cheek to be resting on their hands now, “I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.” Ilya smiles and huffs out just a little bit of laughter before deciding to change the topic, “So, hockey, yes? How was your game against Washington? Forgive me for not being so caught up, I have been a bit busy,” He quickly uses his free hand to gesture out toward the room before sticking it back into Shane’s hair, “Did you win?” Shane groans, turning his head back over in an attempt to hide away, “I don’t wanna talk about it,” He grumbles into the bed but, knowing that Ilya won’t let this go, also mutters, “we lost.” “Oh what was that?” Ilya starts, annoyingly, because Shane knows he heard him just fine, “I cannot hear you, my ears must not be working properly. Perhaps due to crash.” Shane scoffs through his nose and turns one more time so that his speech is clearer, “We lost, okay? Are you happy?” Ilya grins, “A little, maybe. I am sure you played well,” He compliments before continuing on to insult the rest of his team, “It was probably Pike, yes? Ruined whole game?” “Oh shut up,” Shane sits all the way up glares at Ilya, “Hayden plays well, he always does. Washington just got lucky, that’s all.” “Oh but Pike is not good at the game, he must have-” “Okay c’mon, Ilya,” Shane huffs out laughter through his nose and shakes his head, “you gotta learn to be nice to Hayden one of these days. He just did a 13 hour drive with me so I could come see you.” Ilya goes quiet for a moment, his face dropping the amusement on it from before, and then speaks, quietly, “Yes, that was very good of him. I am glad you had him with you.” Shane nods, raising his eyebrows slightly in agreeance, “Yeah, me too.” “He is okay friend, I guess,” Ilya concludes before there’s an uptick of his mouth, “Unfortunately, that does not make him good at hockey.” “You are such an asshole,” Shane playfully tosses Ilya’s hand away, crossing his arms as he leans backward into his chair, “He’s a good player.” “Eh,” Ilya drawls, moving his head from left to right dramatically, “we will see, we will see.” “We have seen and-” It’s just then that the door opens up and Shane stiffens in his seat, looking behind him to see a nurse standing in the doorway. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Rozanov!” The nurse holds her hands up in front of herself, “I didn’t realize you had a visitor, I can come back later if you’d prefer.” “Oh, no, no, no,” Ilya shakes his head, “no need, please just get it over with, whatever you are in here to do, he will be here for long while.” Right. A while. AKA until the hospital kicks him out. They might let him stay overnight, actually, he looked into their visiting rules and patients are allowed one to two overnight visitors, depending on the severity of the case, and as long as the patient agrees. He’ll have to look a little bit more into it, maybe he’ll ask some questions. The nurse smiles and nods, “Alright, perfect!” She says, walking further into the room and shutting the door behind her. She walks over to the side of Ilya’s bed that Shane isn’t on and takes some looks at the IV and the machines over there, “So, Mr. Rozanov, Mr. Hollander, how are you guys today?” Great. The nurse knows who Shane is. That’s definitely something. Shane takes a deep breath, folding his hands together in a misguided attempt to look casual, “I’m doing alright right now.” Ilya does his best to lean into the nurse’s space, whispering, “He was very worried when he heard about the Centaur’s plane going down.” “I can hear you!” Shane shouts, though that’s a bit of a stretch as its volume is barely above his usual talking voice. Ilya waves him off with the hand on that side, “Nobody asked you, Hollander.” The nurse giggles and Shane can’t help but laugh, too, swatting Ilya’s hand down. “You’re a good friend, being here, Mr. Hollander,” The nurse mentions as she starts to change out Ilya’s IV bag. Right. Friend. His smile drops and he honestly doesn’t even try to hide it. The plane crash has made him realize that he doesn’t want to be so secret anymore. Private? Absolutely. But, well, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to actually come out, on their own terms, to the world. Sooner rather than later. Maybe they don’t have to wait until they retire. Shane looks over to Ilya, locking eyes with him in an attempt to have this silent conversation. Maybe a few risks here and there would be okay, Shane thinks. He’s been so uptight about it, he knows he has, it’s the entire reason he had the big argument with Ilya (then Ilya’s place crashed). So, honestly, Shane doesn’t think the secret is all that important anymore and, maybe, just maybe, they could start one very small, very private step at a time. Ilya seems to understand what Shane’s getting at and he nods, turning his hand over so that his palm is facing upward. Shane grabs it without any hesitation, which is a surprise to even him. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now,” Shane replies to the nurse who pauses what she’s doing for a moment to look at what just happened. She doesn’t say anything at first and she doesn’t have more of a reaction than that, which was really just, maybe, half a second of hesitation in finishing her setup of the IV bag to glance at their connected hands and a smile. Then, she continues on like normal, which is probably the best thing she could’ve done, in Shane’s opinion (he’d probably freak out if she’d done anything else), “Alright, this is all good and I’ll be back in a couple of hours to redress the wounds on your abdomen.” “Thank you,” Shane replies when Ilya says nothing and then turns to look at the man in question, “You should be nice to your nurse, y’know.” “Okay,” Ilya mutters, unamused, but looks up at the nurse and smiles, “Thank you very much.” “Of course!” She answers, walking back to the door to leave but, before she opens it, she turns back to the both of them and smiles, “Congratulations, you two. That,” She glances down to their connected hands, “is not easy in a normal circumstance but considering who you two are, I know it’s difficult. So,” She chuckles awkwardly and shrugs, “I guess that’s my two cents and, uh, I will stop talking now. Congratulations,” She says quickly, giving more awkward chuckles and a single wave before she opens the door and makes her way out of the room. And, just like that, without saying any words at all or giving any actual confirmation, they’ve told their first stranger and she understood. It’s probably one of the safest strangers to tell, considering laws about privacy in hospitals and whatnot, but, still. It feels like progress. When Shane turns his head to look back at Ilya, he sees a very large grin on his face, “You were very brave, Shane.” “For you,” Shane nods his head and gets out of his chair quickly, bringing his free hand up to Ilya’s face, leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. It’s a well received and a well needed kiss, Ilya sighs into it, as does Shane. They only stay like that for a few seconds but with all the stress from the last not-even-a-day, it’s absolutely everything that the both of them need and, to Shane, it feels like his world is paused anyway, connected to these lips. Eventually, though, it does end, and Shane sits back down in his seat, encompassing Ilya’s hand again. “My parents will be here soon,” Shane mentions, noticing the time. “Good, I am sick of only your face,” Ilya responds immediately, “Will be nice to see other people.” Shane knows he’s lying but he still rolls his eyes and retorts, “You just saw another face, was she not enough for you?” “She is gone, now it is just you,” Ilya complains, but squeezes Shane’s hand comfortingly while also flicking the fingers of his free hand upward in a gesture and sighs dramatically, “Ah, I need more variety in my room, always.” “You’re such an asshole,” Shane tells him but isn’t able to find it in him to even pretend to lace his tone with malice. Their conversation dies down and Shane yawns. He’d forgotten how tired he was with everything going on. That seems to get Ilya’s attention, he looks over to Shane, a change on his face, “You are tired?” Shane nods, there’s not really any use lying, “I only slept for, like, an hour in the car.” “Shane,” Ilya says, raising his eyebrows and giving Shane a look. “I know,” Shane says before Ilya can say anything else, “I’ll sleep later, do you need anything? Another pillow? Some water?” Ilya clicks his tongue, “Do not change the subject.” “I’m not trying to! I’m being serious!” Shane insists, “Do you need anything, like-” It’s at that point that the door to the room opens again, but this time it’s Shane’s parents and Hayden. “Yuna! David!” Ilya smiles widely, gesturing for them to come closer, “It is nice to see you!” “It’s nice to see you,” Yuna retorts. David nods, agreeing, “You had us worried.” “Not as worried as this kid,” Yuna points to her son, walking over to him to grab one of his shoulders. She presses a kiss at the top of his head and whispers to him, “How are you?” “I’m fi-” Ilya doesn’t let him finish speaking, though, interrupting him to answer instead, “He is tired but he will not go to sleep.” “Shane,” Yuna crosses her arms and stares down at him. It’s at this point that Hayden chimes in, “He only slept for an hour during the drive, he needs to sleep.” Ilya looks at Hayden now, “He says he will do it later. I believe he should sleep now,” He finishes, looking between Yuna and David now. Shane just sighs. Of course the one time that Ilya and Hayden agree on something it’s to gang up on Shane. He has to, at least, be glad that they aren’t arguing, right? Right. “Shane Hollander,” Yuna glares at her son, crossing her arms in front of her, “get some sleep.” “But-” Shane starts. He’s immediately cut off by Yuna who holds a finger up and shakes her head at him as if he’s a child, speaking to him like he’s one as well, “Uh-uh, no buts. You played an exhausting game yesterday and you have only gotten an hour of sleep. We are here for Ilya, now, which means you can relax.” “We aren’t going anywhere, okay?” David adds on, moving to stand next to Yuna and places a hand on his wife’s shoulder, “We’ll all be here when you wake up, then you can take care of Ilya, yeah?” “Hey!” Ilya cuts in, waving his hand at them, “I do not need taking care of, I am very strong, I can take care of myself.” This causes Shane to snap his head over, glaring at Ilya. He’s about to say something when Ilya immediately relaxes back in his bed, putting his hand down, “Okay, okay,” He drawls out the ’a’ sound in the last okay there, widening his eyes, “you do not need to look at me like that. I will be very helpless, okay? I will not do anything myself, I make everybody else do everything for me, does that make you happy? Everyone will be mine to demand and I will not lift a single finger, yes?” Shane presses his lips together, curling them into his mouth so he can bite at them before he takes a deep breath through his nose and, finally, speaks, “Fine, I will go to sleep but only for a few hours and if you need me for any reason-” “I will scream your name at the top of my lungs, yes? Maybe I will burst a stitch in the process, be as loud as I can?” Shane tilts his head and stares at Ilya, deadpanned. “Okay,” Ilya drawls, rolling his eyes, “You cannot take a joke. So serious,” He pouts. Shane stands up and presses himself to the side of Ilya’s bed. His mouth goes a little dry as he glances behind him, keeping in mind that his parents and Hayden are here. It’s still weird to show affection in front of people, even when those people know about their relationship - have known about it for years - and are (mostly, in Hayden’s case) used to it. Shane doesn’t think it’ll ever stop feeling weird but he knows he needs to get better at pushing through the feeling. He takes his left hand and presses it to the side of Ilya’s face, moving upward until his fingers are stuck in Ilya’s tangled hair. He looks into Ilya’s eyes and, finally, he’s able to forget about everybody else in the room as he whispers, “Not when it comes to your health.” “U menya vse khorosho, dorogoy,” Ilya mumbles in Russian, shaking his head and leaning into Shane’s hand. Shane knows what he said (and he knows Ilya knows that Shane understands him; he’s the one who taught him the few phrases he knows in Russian, after all) but Ilya repeats it in english anyway, “I am okay, Sweetheart.” “I know,” Shane’s voice is barely audible, “But you almost weren’t and…” He shakes his head softly, sniffs, “I know you’re okay but you just had surgery and I just-” “You are worried,” Ilya finishes the sentence for Shane, nodding, “I promise I will be okay and I am very happy you want to be here to take care of me, but first you must sleep. We are in hospital, right now, it is safest place for me, yes?” “Yes.” “So, you do not need to worry, I will be okay while you sleep and then when we go home, then-” “I’ll take care of you,” Shane says before letting him finish, nodding and feeling better. “Good, no more panic attack now, yes?” “I was not having a panic attack.” “Yes, yes, whatever,” Ilya brushes it off, puckering his lips, “Give me kiss, then go to sleep.” Shane presses his lips to Ilya’s, just for a brief moment. Something polite while he’s in front of his parents and best friend. He pulls away and goes to lay down on the small couch in the room. He falls asleep practically instantly. When he wakes up, his back is sore but his headache has gone away and people are laughing- Ilya is laughing, he could recognize that laughter anywhere, probably in any state of consciousness. He opens his eyes, taking a deep breath, and pushes himself up into a sitting position to take in whatever’s happening. He thinks he must be dreaming because in front of him is Hayden sat next to Ilya’s bedside and they’re laughing. He squints at them and, as if he can read his mind, Ilya speaks, “No, Hollander, you are not dreaming.” Shane’s mouth and lips are dry but he stretches his arms up as far as they can go, slowly bringing them back down to his side. He looks around the room, “Where are my parents? Why are you guys getting along? Are you sure I’m awake and not dreaming?” “We’re sure,” Hayden responds, “Your parents went to get food and I was telling Ilya about how J.J. thinks you have a crush on your straight friend, Ilya Rozanov.” Shane groans, shutting his eyes, “He what?” “Yeah, he texted me a couple of hours ago,” Hayden laughs through his nose, “he’s convinced he’s right, too.” Ilya laughs again and brings a hand to his stomach to steady it, “I told you to stop making me laugh, Pike. Is painful.” Shane gets up quickly, “Did you hurt yourself?” He places his hand on top of Ilya’s, trying to move it so that he can look under his shirt at the wound. Ilya stops him, “It is okay, no broken stitches, do not worry. The nurse just came in to redress it, I think she would be very upset if you undid all her very hard work.” “But you’re okay? Be honest.” “Yes, I am okay,” Ilya insists, “I will not lie, it was painful, but nothing bad, okay? I am fine.” “You better tell me if something’s wrong,” Shane warns him, taking a seat in the chair he had been in this morning. Ilya nods, “Do not worry, I will.” “Good,” Shane smiles briefly, reaching into his pocket to grab his phone so that he can check the time. He’s slept for like six hours, which is more than enough for him right now because he doesn’t think he can take sleeping on that couch any longer. He interlaces his fingers with Ilya’s and finally feels calm enough to sit there with him in complete, comfortable silence, beyond glad that he’s okay.

Chapter End Notes

I may end up writing a sequel to this about ilya and shane going home and shane taking care of ilya there. so. stay tuned if you want to and if not, I hoep you enjoyed this lil fic of mine :D as always, i hope it wasn't terrible annnnd feel free to follow me on tumblr @icantthinkofagoodusername7 okay bye!!

End Notes

ALRIGHT I HOPE IT WASNT TERRIBLE, THANKS FOR READING AND AS ALWAYS, IF YOU DID ENJOY PLEASE FEEL FREE TO LEAVE A COMMENT AS I DO LOVE READING EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM also, here's a playlsit I've made if you're. interested. -> Spotify Anyway if you wanna join solstice: It's a super fun (prompt based, team based, multi- fandom) writing event that everyone should really check out like rnrn Twitter <- You can find more information about it here :) Discord <- You can join the discord to sign up for the event, ask questions, and/or hang out in between event times :) Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!