Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories:

F/M, M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, ilya rozanov/all of boston, Shane Hollander/Rose Landry

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Post-Scene: Ilya Rozanov Makes Tuna Melts in Episode: s01e04 Rose, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Texting Fic, Fluff, Queer Themes, Slutty Ilya Rozanov, Sex Positive, Male-Female Friendship, One Night Stands, Happy Ending, inconsiderate sexual behavior? but no one is that mad about it, Dubious Science, data collection

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-14 Completed: 2026-03-21 Words: 10,372 Chapters: 2/2

Ilya is a Slut Support Group

Summary

On the poster, Ilya’s own face looked back at him through a Snapchat dog filter, the image clearly taken to show off his flexed torso. Ilya didn’t recognize the selfie. He could’ve sent it to any number of girls. Someone had put jail bars over the image and below it, in bold letters, was simple text:

ILYA ROZANOV:
THIS MAN IS A DOG!
TEXT IRIS TO JOIN THE SUPPORT GROUP

~ or ~

Following the tuna melt diaster, Ilya goes out to a bar in Boston and sees a poster for an Ilya Rozanov support group. Posing as Lily, he joins a group chat of his past consquests and discovers that he's not nearly as hard to figure out as he thinks he is.

Notes

Chapter 1

“The fuck is this?” Ilya tore the crooked poster off the dive bar’s wall, peeling off a bit of paint where it was taped between the two restrooms. 

He squinted at it, already fairly tipsy. Justin Bieber’s Sorry was thudding over the speakers, Cliff and the rest of his team drunk-swaying with a crowd of girls back on the dance floor. 

On the poster, Ilya’s own face looked back at him through a Snapchat dog filter, the image clearly taken to show off his flexed torso. Ilya didn’t recognize the selfie. He could’ve sent it to any number of girls. Someone had put jail bars over the image and below it, in bold letters, was simple text:

ILYA ROZANOV: 

THIS MAN IS A DOG!

TEXT IRIS TO JOIN THE SUPPORT GROUP

A number was typed below, Ilya already entering it into his phone. No existing contacts popped up. He frowned, wobbling closer to the poster, typing slower this time. Again nothing.

Well. It’s not like he exchanged numbers after every hookup. That didn’t make him a dog. Or a bad person. He was known for being casual. That shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.

Ilya’s thumb scrolled further down his texts to his last message with Jane. There was no new message, as he already knew. 

His fault, for letting Shane’s name blossom from his lips so easily that day. Ilya scowled, hitting send on Iris’s number: hi i want to join support group plz 

He only had to wait a few minutes. 

Iris: omg hi girl! welcome to the clubbbb let me add you to the group chat

Iris: what’s your name??

Ilya paused, only for a moment. He texted back. 

lily.

His phone lit up, a new group chat at the top of his messages.

Iris: hey ladies welcome our latest member!! the new number is lily!

Ilya’s phone was overwhelmed with pinging, a flood of women texting him welcomes and greetings. Ilya peered closer at the group chat, blanching slightly at the number. He knew he was lucky most nights, but…he hadn’t been tracking those statistics as closely as his athletic ones.

Iris: we’ve got a real great community here lily, thanks for joining usss! 

Iris: and no pressure, but we usually ask for age/description/encounter deets 😉

Jessica: iris is getting her psych degree lily lmao don’t be scared

Amanda: her thesis is literally on ilya rozanov. 

Iris: it didn’t start out that way!! 

Iris: and my thesis is on male sexuality patterns NOT ilya specifically

Iris: i just happen to be doing a lil informal study of my own cause his patterns are FASCINATING OKAY

Lily: what patterns??

Tiffany: oh shit i forgot you’re fresh off his dick 

Tiffany: but like…you are in a group chat with many. many. other women sooo i feel like you might have an idea?

Lily: yes, he is manwhore, obviously. hot young hockey player. this makes sense. so why fascinating? 

Iris: I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED

Amanda: oh no you set her off…🫣

Iris: ok sooo boston is small right and ilya has slept through most of it lol so some of us met irl first just by accident and as we were talking we started noticing some thingsss 

Iris: then once i started getting more people reaching out through the posters it went from thingsss to actual TRENDS

Lily: okey like??

Jessica: he’s def changed types. we used to have more variety in here, pretty sure he’d sleep with anything with a heartbeat tbh 

Tiffany: but lately there’s like a super specific type

Tiffany: with some exceptions still, heyyy

Lily: type is..?????

Amanda: i would bet money youre brunette with freckles lily lmaooo. or asian. or both, like meee 💁🏻‍♀️

Samantha: omg just catching up

Samantha: so true that’s why youre one of the few that actually got asked for your number after you lil bitch 

Amanda: not that he ever texted me 😭😭😭

Ilya scratched the back of his neck, his stomach twisting. He possibly remembered Amanda. Or someone who could’ve been Amanda. And so what if his tastes had changed slightly. That didn’t mean anything. He had gone through a phase in his rookie year of seeking out older women, just because he could. It didn’t mean anything. 

Samantha: oh no did i scare her off. i’m sorry if you didnt get his number lily i swear its not personal

Samantha: like literally the opposite lol 

Samantha: also if any of yall are out tonight me and joey are doing a bar crawl with his banker bros!! some of them are cutee ladiesss

Samantha: not ilya cute but yknow 

A burst of women exited the restroom and Ilya startled. He slid his phone in his pocket, heading back to Cliff and his team with shaking legs. Ilya weaved his way through the dance floor, avoiding appraising eyes, his shoulders brushing Cliff’s. 

“There you are! Thought you fell in, man!” 

Cliff clapped his back and leaned in, cupping Ilya’s neck as he whispered in his ear.

“Think I found one we’ll both like.” He winked, gesturing to the girl grinding in front of him.

She flicked her dark hair back, smiling over her shoulder. The bar’s dim purple lights danced across her freckles. Ilya thought he might be sick.

“Ah, no. Going home. Ate bad meat. Might puke.”

Cliff’s face fell. “Oh shit, dude, again? Well, next time, huh?”

Ilya nodded and pushed out of the bar, cool air hitting his face like an exhale. 

Once he was safely home, away from prying eyes, Ilya took his phone out again. He scrolled through the many texts he had missed, some of the girls coordinating with Smanatha about where to meet. 

His thumb hesitated over his phone.

Lily: sorry. not scared. got tired of bar and went home.

Jessica: omg you were still out?! 

Samantha: aww i did it with him in a bathroom too lmaoo oh the memories 

Iris: bummer! i wanted more data on his apartment 😔

Jessica: lily, iris has become a psycho about ilya’s fridge

Tiffany: she has “theories” 

Iris: it’s called a hypothesis and i have supporting data!! 

Tiffany: she thinks ilya is in love cause his grocery list changed lol 🤦🏾

Lily: what???

Iris: ok hear me out. 

Iris: we don’t have a ton of data obviously cause not everyone goes back to his place 

Amanda: or gets offered anything besides getting dicked down and then shown the door lmaoo

Iris: also true. but the few data points from ~earlier times~ showed a bachelor lifestyle

Iris: think russian vodka, flaming hot cheetos

Jessica: he offered me mcdonalds! super romantic

Tiffany: probs cause you fucked in his car and he was gonna go by the drive thru anyway…

Jessica: still 😍😍😍

Iris: ANYWAY lately it seems like he’s buying lots of ginger ale 

Amanda: yeah i was parched after and that was literally the only thing in there 

Amanda: and lots as in, the fridge was half full of it

Tiffany: maybe he’s preggo. morning sickness 🤣

Iris: and a girl in here said he made her a meal a month or two ago which has NEVER happened before

Iris: but was like really weird about it 

Tiffany: oh the tuna melt girl where he was watching her eat it?? 

Tiffany: and kept saying her first name a lot without breaking eye contact like some weird sex thing??

Iris: yeah idk, i filed it with the other fetish data points but haven’t gotten any more correlation there so could’ve been a one off

Lily: what do you mean other data points..?!

Iris: but point is!! marked change in dietary habits. indicating a potential new mate 🤓

Amanda: i still think it’s rose landry 

Lily: 🤮🤮🤮

Lily: she is the worst. 

Amanda: really??? she’s so hot i would totally do her 

Lily: boring movie star, doesn’t even know hockey

Lily: 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Iris: i’m with you lily, the data doesn’t indicate a current ongoing partner. recent break up is possible though

Iris: we had six girls within the past month report weirdness when her name was mentioned 

Lily: what is “weirdness” ??

Jessica: like ilya losing his boner if she was mentioned LMAOOO and seeming real pissed off

Amanada: that is sooo dating evidence iris!! or prior dating!

Amanda: they could be on again off again, add it to your spreadsheet!!

Iris: i already have duh, i add everything immediately so no information is lost 

Lily: these are all lies. 

Lily: ilya would never go for rose landry

Lily: 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Iris: yeah she does go against the current data we have for his physical type, unless he’s actively trying to go against type as a rebound process…

Lily: 🤮🤮🤮!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica: oh fuck sorry lily if it’s too fresh to think about don’t feel like you gotta keep reading!!

Tiffany: aww yeah lily don’t torture yourself 

Tiffany: he’s a total slut, but in that moment…he’s your slut 🥹😭

Amanda: so romantic tiffanyyy. and sadly true lmao 

Samantha: Y’ALL WE MADE IT TO THE RED DOOR AND GUESS WHO’S HEREEEEEEE

Lily: ah fuck

Samantha: UGHHH DOnt see rozanv but marlo is so hotttttt i

Samantha: tequila is so good yallll

Samantha: mmm think joey will do threesome with marlo insteadddddd

Jessica: damn lily you actually wore him out!! sent rozanov HOME lmao

Amanda: that’s rare lmaoo good work girl 

Amanda: please share your tips im trying to lock down this guy im seeing

Amanda: AND HAVE FUN SAM WE LOVE YOU 

Iris: get data from his team for us!!!

Lily: no, do not do that, that is rude.

A few minutes went by. Ilya’s phone chirped with a photo from Samantha. Ilya wished a visual of her would’ve helped jog his memory, but alas. The unfamiliar woman was pressed next to a blond man, the picture somewhat blurred, but a man who was clearly Cliff stood grinning with his arms raised in the background alongside the rest of his team, everyone clearly in various states of intoxication. 

Samantha: I ASKDD 

Samantha: THEY SAID JANEEEE IT’S ALWASY JANEEEE 

Tiffany: callllled it

Tiffany: i’ve BEEN saying this 

Lily: group. what do you know about jane.

Iris: so she’s one of ilya’s only go-tos besides svetlana

Iris: possibly even more serious. lots of girls have had a jane encounter, especially the recent ones 

Tiffany: remember when holly said he checked jane’s text literally mid-thrust smh that man is a DOG 

Jessica: factual 

Iris: Jane’s from Montreal, we think a likely contender for the canada dry not to stereotype canadians 

Iris: and very likely looks exactly like his type

Jessica: personally i like to think jane’s married in her forties with like three kids based on his rookie year lmao 

Jessica: which would explain why she’s such a secret 

Amanda: i want it to be jackie pike SO BAD 

Lily: ha ha haaa 

Lily: that is so funny amanda

Lily: would be so much better for her than current pike

Amanda: i just feel like it has to be someone in the hockey world, right iris?

Iris: inconclusive, none of the reports give hard data. I can’t go off “weird vibes”

Tiffany: ok well if it wasn’t enough to feel a “weird vibe” how bout the HARD data off his HARD dick when i was talking about the metros hmm??

Iris: you said you couldnt remember if he was already in a state of arousal pre-metros mention

Jessica: yeah but remember daniella?? at that club where the metros were there with the raiders and daniella said she LITERALLY felt his dick get hard when the two teams saw each other

Tiffany: he was doing too much with her ear too. add it to the kink list iris 

Iris: already added but one time is not enough data!! you know this!

Jessica: well we have two data points for creepy eye contact kink cause he was staring down hollander with daniella soo

Amanda: omg  

Amanda: wait

Amanda: wait wait wait 

Amanda: WAITTT

Lily: amanda you seem drunk should go to bed right now

Amanda: so idk why this wasn’t weird to me then

Amanda: just fangirling too much over being on rozanov’s dick idk lmao

Amanda: but tell me why we started messing around on his couch and i got on his lap to fuck him

Amanda: and he left the hockey game on and tbh was probs watching it as we fucked smh

Amanda: BUT GUESS WHICH TEAM WAS PLAYING! FUCKING METROS

Jessica: omg !!

Tiffany: omg…

Iris: oh that’s interesting.

Lily: hockey guy likes hockey, like that is so weird?? bad data amanda. not good science iris, ignore her

Iris: let me look something up 

Lily: iris you need to be at red door already, have fun with samantha, too late for research 

Iris: wow. 

Iris: shane hollander loves ginger ale. that’s like. his thing

Jessica: um. montreal metros…

Amanda: SHANE IS DATING ROSE LANDRY!!!!!!!! 

Amanda: OMFG WHAT IF SHANE AND ILYA ARE THE ON AGAIN OFF AGAIN

Iris: okay but we have no data points that indicate ilya is anything other than straight??

Tiffany: ahhh ok yall ill be honest

Tiffany: when we hooked up we did some hockey roleplay 

Tiffany: like ive told you right

Tiffany: and to be fair it was my idea 

Tiffany: i kinda have some gender stuff going on idk dont worry about it 

Tiffany: but lets just say we roleplayed as two…male…hockey players…

Tiffany: and he did NOT last long

Tiffany: im talking minutes, maybe minUTE

Tiffany: and im good but like. 

Iris: adding to the spreadsheet!

Iris: also do you have pronouns you like better? or names? 

Tiffany: um

Tiffany: maybe just tiff for now

Tiffany: and like

Tiffany: she/they?

Tiffany: they/them?

Tiffany: they/he…? i meannn idkkkk

Jessica: aww tiff i am so so proud of you. HE’S MY BESTIE YALLL 🗣️🥰

Amanda: we love you tiff!!!

Samantha: tiffs a boy? im drnk 

Samantha: tiff cliff threeose lmaoo

Lily: congrats tiff that is nice and brave #ally

Lily: hot roleplay too but means nothing, ilya is sexy imaginative boy is all

Amanda: wait wasn’t there a girl who joined last week or something who said he wouldn’t go round two with her cause that hollander yoga special came on?

Amanda: as like a rerun too lmao this man is really out here crushing women’s egos

Jessica: the man needs screentime limits smh 

Lily: boys don’t always want to go again and again, this is okay

Amanda: no ofc im just saying

Amanda: and since no one is saying the quiet part out loud

Amanda: shane’s an asian dude with freckles helloooo? if i cut my hair we’d basically be twins

Lily: wrong. Hollander has no twin. not all asians look alike

Amanda: i know, im asian??

Iris: these data points are aligning in a way that is somewhat alarming. 

Iris: this may actually be a thing…

Jessica: tiff did he tell you to roleplay as hollander loloolol

Tiffany: lmao i did try to roleplay as scott hunter and he said ew

Tiffany: something about not fucking a dinosaur 

Tiffany: and then he said no one from the league so i said okay im…Sunter and he was not amused lol and i had to drop it 

Iris: omg 

Iris: jane…shane 

Iris: fuck we need that number. 

Jessica: imagine

Jessica: hey ilya wanna fuck? also i wanna see if youre secretly in gay love with your arch rival???

Tiffany: wait that’s so sad actually 😢 now i kinda hate rose landry too lmao 

Lily: i like you tiff 

Iris: maybe this is why his numbers have been down lately…could ilya finally be tamed??? 

Jessica: and montreal girl has been around forever like…he was texting jane the second i finished blowing him and im from before he went full brunette 

Jessica: so if jane is shane…they’ve been into each other for actual years

Amanda: nooo now im crying in the clubbb over manwhore ilya rozanov

Samantha: AMANDA WHERE RUUUU WHY SAD

Amanda: omg girl no sorry!! im literally at home i have an early shift tomorrow lmaooo! 

Lily: what would you tell ilya

Lily: if silly story is true 

Lily: rose and shane are already dating

Lily: probably in love, is what tmz and e news keep saying

Iris: oh no they’re definitely not.

Iris: i can tell by the body language, it’s likely just a publicity stunt 

Iris: or perhaps an act of psychosexual warfare if ilya treated shane like the dog he was to us

Iris: im a psych major, i would know.

Tiffany: yeah we know iris lmaoo

Lily: i see

Lily: that is good

Lily: also

Lily: ilya was maybe nice but not kind to you ladies 

Lily: he should have been kinder 

Lily: you are very nice ladies

Lily: thank you for having me in this chat. I am going to sleep now.

Amanda: awwww night lily!! you deserve all the kindness too, don’t let ilya get under your skin!! remember you get bragging rights hahaa

Tiffany: yeah lmaoo you’re an official bostonian now!

Jessica: sleep well lily!!

Iris: thank you for sharing your data with us!

Samantha: LOVE YOU LILYYYYY ARE YOU HEREE???

Ilya snorted and rolled over on his back, holding his phone in the darkness, a small smile on his face. He scrolled down to his texts with Jane. He hesitated, fingers tensing. Then he tossed his phone on the bedside table and tried to sleep. 

Ilya checked the chat idly over the next few months. There was much discussion of a cheek kiss given at the All Stars game and what it might mean. A string of celebration messages went back and forth when the Rose Landry breakup became public knowledge. There was some chattering about the lack of new group members a few months after that. An explosion went off when Rozanov’s transfer to Ottawa was announced alongside the start of a charity with Hollander, Iris compiling data points at record speed. Amanda’s many obnoxious selfies of her new pixie haircut kept filling the chat, which she felt proved her Shane theory more than anything else. Ilya looked at Shane sleeping next to him, his freckles as unique as fingerprints, and just laughed to himself.

Then less noise, Ilya typing occasionally as Lily to congratulate Iris on earning her psychology degree, to heart a photo of Tiffany with his first testosterone shot, to laugh at a picture of Samantha at her bachelorette party, the two strippers very bad lookalikes of him and Cliff. 

Time passed.

And then Pike, dumb unmurderable Pike, posted a video.

Ilya’s phone was a constant vibration of noise and alarm. 

It wasn’t until weeks later that he had the composure to finally work his way back through all the missed messages and calls. 

He finally scrolled through the messages in the group chat, smiling slightly at the celebratory eruption of texts, particularly at Iris wondering if she actually could publish a thesis on Ilya Rozanov’s sexual patterns now. There was grief and anger too, the chat vehemently bitching about the pushback, about the Metros, about the same things he and Shane raged about in bed late at night, wishing it was different.

And there was also Jessica, sending a selfie of her teary with a glass of white wine, writing: 

but why am i literally cryinggggg over my best ever one night stand 

falling in secret gay love with his archrival 

which we knew all along 

cause we’re in a support group of slutty scientific minds??? 

Ilya had laughed then, one of his first real laughs since the video had come out.

He had called Shane over. It took a little bit of begging at first. Shane did not love knowing the group chat held tangible proof of so many bodies Ilya had been in contact with in his younger years. But Ilya showed him the messages and he softened, allowing himself to lean next to Ilya for a photo, and then one more where Ilya’s lips softly grazed Shane’s.

Ilya opened his messages, selected the two photos, exhaled, and pressed send.

Lily: me and my Jane ❤️ 

Lily: you can change my contact info now if you want

Lily: i know it’s a bit late to give you all my number but…better late than never? 

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

so i was planning on a cute little addition and then got swept away in Shane's POV because I am obsessed with him. but don't worry - we do get to the chat's reactions from Part 1 at the end :)

also disclaimer that i have no idea if you CAN have two phone numbers in one phone but i needed it to happen for the plot so just suspend your logical brains and go with it~~~

and for funsies, Daniella was 100000000% inspired by this video which i rewatch constantly:
https://www.instagram.com/p/DSYy4FyiaC-/

“Dude, Rozanov is a menace.” 

Hayden chuckled from his double bed next to Shane’s, texting something back to J.J. 

Shane forced his eyes to stay fixated on the hotel’s television, tuned to some reality TV show Hayden said he and Jackie watched together. They had a full day off tomorrow before their game against the Raiders the next day, and the Metros were already taking advantage of it. 

Shane shifted against the headboard. 

“What, did the guys run into him on their bar crawl?”

“No, better.” Hayden snorted, leaning over to show Shane his phone. “The entire female population of Boston has finally had enough."

Shane squinted, heart thudding already. “Text it to me, you know my eyesight’s not great up close.” 

Hayden’s thumbs flew over his keyboard, Shane’s phone chirping a second later.

“Fucking hilarious, man. They started a support group. His one-night stands are unionizing!” 

Hayden let out a fresh wave of laughter, doubling over his phone. 

“No fucking way! J.J. said there are posters at the next spot too! Oh, he must’ve fucked some girl over.” 

Shane grunted, eyes scanning the image Hayden had texted. The black and white picture was vaguely familiar. Ilya loved the puppy dog filter on Snapchat. He loved keeping it on even when sending Shane incredibly explicit nudes, which inevitably would set Shane off. He’d send back pissy messages about not being into bestiality or some shit, after which Ilya would say stop opening them in that case. And Shane’s bluff would be called and he’d still open the next one, every time, even if it was Ilya’s rigid cock in one flexed hand and a granny face filter laughing from the upper corner. 

“Ah, shit, this is Jackie calling. Mind turning it up a bit?” 

Shane nodded, raising the remote at the TV as Hayden picked up.

“Hey, babe! Yeah, I have it on.”

Hayden chattered away in the background, Shane memorizing the poster in their text thread. Even seeing the name Iris had his stomach clenching. He knew there were others. Couldn’t avoid the fact that there were others. But he didn’t like to think of them with names and lives and tangible bodies that had touched Ilya’s, that had seen what he looked like when he came, and had- well. It didn’t matter what Shane liked or didn’t like. The thoughts came anyway.

Shane started at the number next to Iris’s name. He hesitated, casting a look at Hayden before looking back at his phone. Without letting himself think about it too much, he pulled up Google and started searching things like second phone number and physical sim vs esim and secret apps for texting.

Minutes later, he was in the group chat. He swiped out of his initial text to Iris and the group chat appeared at the top of his messages, Shane’s pulse skyrocketing. He cast another glance at Hayden but he was chattering away, oblivious to the seismic shift that had just happened. Shane was in. 

Shane looked down, swallowing.

Iris: hey everyone, please welcome jane h! 

Tiffany: jesus another one 

Amanda: we’re seriously gonna get through the whole alphabet huh

Jane B.: ughhh welcome new jane ❤️

Janice: im actually concerned at this point??

Jane L.: are we even surprised tho

Jane: i was the first 💅

Janie: do you think theres a jane variant in boston who’s still safe smh

Jae: im gonna be so honest i thought he was a lil racist for saying jane when we hooked up sooo the onslaught of janes has been real reassuring tbh

Shayne: meanwhile i thought he was saying my name but the more this happens the more i think it was just close enough to the jane he really wanted 😭😭😭

Iris: on a psychological level, it is interesting…i’m sure there are women who’d be fine being called anything as long as they could sleep with him

Iris: but he chooses to make it seem coincidental. fascinating insight into his psyche! 

Tiffany: lemme guess, you added it to you data collection already

Jane H.: Data collection?

Jessica: ah yes iris is a freak in the bedroom and in the science lab 

Jessica: she’s tracking info on ilya’s roster as some kinky psych experiment 

Iris: i’m a psych major, it’s fine and very normal!!! 

Iris: and new jane, if you don’t mind sharing, age/description/encounter details are super helpful for said data collection haha 

Tiffany: yeah ok iris, my research says you’re a freakkkk

Amanda: and we love you for it 

Jane H.: What is the data around this Jane phenomenon? 

Iris: oh it’s confirmed that ilya has this girl named jane from montreal 

Iris: it’s one of his few repeat encounters and definitely the longest one

Iris: she really holds the key to so much of his psyche because he hasn’t sustained a relationship with any other woman like that as far as we know

Iris: but since she lives in montreal she’ll never join this support group so i have to rely on other data sources 😭

Amanda: basically, ilya is obsessed with jane and lately the jane obsession has been skyrocketing even MORE

Tiffany: hence the army of janes  

Jessica: jane h., did you just sleep with him?? or just see the poster? 

Jessica: cause sometimes girls get emotional which is totallyyy fair, it can feel hurtful to think he only fucked you cause of your name 😢

Tiffany: some of us don’t care he COULD’VE called me whatever lmaoo 

Jane H.: Oh, right, sorry. Okay. Age is 26. I am half Japanese and half white with an athletic build. 

Jane H.: My last encounter was recent. Blowjobs and penetration, me receiving. We both came multiple times. Not sure how much detail you want me to provide? I can keep going.

Jessica: lmao you receivinggg you’re so cute

Jane H.: ???

Tiffany: FUCK imagine a world where ilya is getting pegged? I call dibs 🥵

Jane H.: Oh, right. Of course me receiving. I don’t know why I said it like that.

Amanda: ok iris i hope you’re taking note of the sharp rise in janes and asian chicks and now we’re getting actual asian janes?! Montreal jane has to be asian 

Jane H.: That seems like a big assumption. Correlation doesn’t prove causation.

Iris: jane i love your brain!! were you a psych major toooo 👀👀

Iris: but thanks your info is super helpful!

Iris: and yeah i don’t want to jump to conclusions. The jane and asian thing may be connected but we’ll wait for more data

Jane H.: Also, about the names. The Jane thing could be for convenience. One name so he doesn’t say the wrong name in bed. Or so he can act like he remembers girls afterwards maybe. Like Jane Doe, but for sex.

Samantha: …fuck

Samantha: that would be kinda genius of him

Jane H.: Yes, it probably has nothing to do with this Montreal Girl. Seems like a dead end to me 🙂

Iris: hmm i’ll add it to my hypothoses list

Iris: jane h, did he feed you anything during your hook up? 

Jane H.: Uh, like his cock? We did blowjobs like I said. 

Tiffany: jesus christ lmaooo

Iris: sorry lol like actual food??? he’s been feeding more hookups recently which is a new behavior but i guess not everyone

Jane H.: Oh.

Jae: don’t worry jane h., you’re not missing out!

Jae: he literally made me the most disgusting bland chicken with kale ew

Janice: better than my dry as fuck salmon with unseasoned broccoli 🤮 

Jane H.: Oh

Jane H.: Those both sound really good ☹️

Jae: uh noo i needed like five of the ginger ales to wash it down smh 

Amanda: aww don’t take it personal jane, it could be worse lmao

Amanda: When i was leaving after our hookup he was like 

Amanda: ~sexy russian accent~

Amanda: “You would like if I make food for you? Not too scary for casual fuck?” 

Amanda: and i was omg noo that’s so sweet of you i would love that!

Amanda: and he was like “Okey. Good to know” 

Amanda: and then handed me my coat LMAOOOO no food no nothing 😭 

Tiffany: jesus that man

Tiffany: are we sureee he’s not autistic or something 

Iris: tiffany i have told you a million times 

Iris: he is just russian 

Iris: and a whore 

Iris: it’s different. 

Tiffany: idk he seemed real into your autistic brain so

Iris: he just said i reminded him of someone, that doesn’t mean he has a tism thing 

Iris: i mean he did get half-hard again when i asked if we could change his sheets immediately after but

Iris: that’s not autism 

Iris: just russian whoreness. with probably lots of very specific kinks? idk

Jane H.: Wait, why wouldn’t you change the sheets immediately after??

Iris: see jane h gets it! 

“Dude, what sick shit is Boston Lily saying to you now?”

Shane startled, practically throwing his phone down on the bed as he looked up at Hayden.

“Man, you are blushing. But you should’ve seen your face before, you were like…confused and nauseous?” Hayden laughed. “You know it’s okay to say no if she asks for anything too freaky, okay?”

“Shut up, Hayden, I was…texting my mom.”

“Ew, dude, please get a better excuse. I can see your boner from here.”

“I do not have a boner!” 

Hayden shrugged. “Okay, okay. Usually Lily has that effect. Anyway, when are you going over there tomorrow? Jackie got real worked up about that latest episode and wants to roleplay so…”

Shane made a face and Hayden started cackling. 

“See! That’s the face you were making. Listen, if Lily wants to roleplay as two angry housewives who throw wine at each other and then just happen to make out, you can say no, dude. Now me, I’m secure in my masculinity, but…”

Shane shook his head, avoiding Hayden’s gaze.

“Whatever. I’m going to bed.”

“No wanking in the shared bedroom!”

“Shut up, Hayden.” 

Shane burrowed into his pillow, flicking out the bedside light. He shut his eyes and tried to sleep, his brain replaying each text message from each girl that Ilya had been with, the phantom encounters ghosting over his body. 

Shane stumbled back into the hotel, his breath hitching. He had sent a quick text to Hayden on the ride back, who was thankfully out with J.J. instead of mid-roleplay.

Shane crashed into their room, peeling off Ilya’s borrowed shirt and sweats as he headed for the shower, trying to wash off the hours before. The sex. The nap afterwards, Ilya’s arms around him. The tuna melt and ginger ale. The cuddling that turned into more. The sound of his name on Ilya’s lips…

Shane turned the temperature up higher, water scalding as he scrubbed at his skin, panting. He finally stepped out, wrapping a towel around his waist, brain far from settled.

Jane H.: Hey. Sorry to bother you one on one. But would you feel comfortable sharing your data?

Jane H.: I’m really curious. And I’m good at graphs and things. I could help organize it.

Iris: hey jane! and seriously??? no one’s ever wanted to help me before!!! 

Iris: i would love a research assistant lol!

Iris: i’m out rn but when i get home i can text over the files?

Iris: it is a lot haha pleasee don’t think i’m a freak

Jane H.: Great. Thank you 🙂

Jane H.: And I guess that makes me a freak too 🙂

By the time Iris was able to text again, Shane had refolded and repacked all his clothes, Ilya’s now hidden at the bottom. He had also made a new fake email address and memorized each textured bump of the hotel walls before his laptop chirped with a new email. 

If Shane wasn’t so nauseous, he would be impressed. Iris was every bit as regimented as him. She had different tabs splitting up the wealth of information, Shane clicking over them almost faster than his brain could process. 

He scanned through the ages: most in their twenties, but a high amount of outliers from Ilya’s rookie year, which Shane very much did not want to think about. Locations: club bathrooms were disturbingly popular, despite being highly unsanitary. More things to not think about. Dates: understandably clustered around Raiders’ home games. Shane resisted the urge to map their meet-ups onto the recorded days, not wanting to acknowledge if there were overlaps. 

It was overwhelming, concrete proof that Ilya Rozanov was a whore. He fucked women like it was part of his training routine. Consistent, dedicated, and with an expert level of skill. There were no data points that indicated he secretly wanted a relationship. No evidence that he wanted to settle down and have anything approaching romance.

Shane had thought so, but it was always helpful to have supporting evidence.

So Ilya had said his name. Like it was something tender. Something delicate. Something intimate. 

Ilya Rozanov apparently said a lot of things, if the ‘dirty talk’ tab on Iris’s spreadsheet was anything to go off of. 

Shane was just like one of these many other girls who felt special in the moment, only to realize they were part of a very large, very un-exclusive club. He had gotten caught up in the moment and now it was time to look at the big picture. 

Ilya had asked if he liked girls. Shane did. Of course he did. Maybe not to the same depth and breath as Ilya clearly did, but he was Shane Hollander. He could like women in his own way. He had enough pride to not add any more entries to the already exceedingly large file that was Ilya Rozanov’s sex life.

Jane H.: Hey everyone. I wanted to share some good news. I started seeing someone 🙂

Jessica: aww congrats girl!! tell us everything!!

Amanda: just never mention you fucked ilya rozanov lmao guys get soo weird about that 

Jessica: true so pathetic like if youre so jealous just go fuck him yourself damn

Jane H.: Oh, it's a girl actually. My first serious girlfriend🙂

Tiffany: yess represent! we love the rainbow here! 🌈👅💦

Amanda: tiffany’s an honorary lesbian cause women are always throwing themselves at her even though she’s like, super into dudes 

Tiffany: boys love a butch what can i say

Tiffany: so what’s your girl like jane? 

Jane H.: She’s very funny and supportive. Really easy to talk to. It feels comfortable being around her 🙂

Tiffany: sooo big tiddies orrrr 👀👀

Iris: leave jane alone lmao she’s too pure! congrats jane im happy for you 🤗

Jane H.: Like, medium, I guess?

Samantha: damn this really is your first gf huh lmaoo 

Jane H.: ???

Iris: it makes me so happy to see so many of us finding good people! maybe ilya is a good luck charm for finding commitment lol 

Jessica: the way his numbers have been, a whole lot of boston is about to be committed lmaooo 

Tiffany: what do you keep typing and deleting jane lmao 

Tiffany: you wanna talk about your girlfriend’s boobs more? 😛

Jane H.: Oh, I didn’t know you could see that.

Jane H.: Just curious about the latest numbers I guess. 

Jane H.: Haven’t been keeping up with the chat as much since I started dating my girlfriend. 

Iris: oh the numbers have SKYROCKETED. usually we only see spikes like this when he gets back from summers in russia but it’s been wild, ive barely been able to stay on top of things 😩

Tiffany: because ilya’s staying on top too much ayyy lmao 

Jane H.: I can help more, I know I said I would.

Amanda: bet you’re too busy with your new girl 😈 

Jane H.: Sure, sort of. It’s nice to have someone who is focused only on me 🙂

Tiffany: jane we can see you typing and deleting again spit it out lmao

Jane H.: Sorry. It’s kind of embarrassing. 

Jane H.: But do any of you ever miss

Jane H.: You know. The reason we’re in this chat? 

Jessica: oh manyyyy a late night 😉 that’s what memories are for though lmao!

Jane H.: It’s not bad? If I still think about it sometimes?

Jane H.: I really do like my girlfriend. She is great.

Amanda: omg it’s so normal jane

Amanda: we all have good memories with past people, a certain famous sexy hockey player VERY much included lmao

Amanda: it doesn’t have to mean anything 🤗

Jane H.: Right. It doesn’t.

Jane H.: Mean anything.

Jane H.: Hey Iris

Jane H.: I emailed over some graphs I made. I thought it may be easier to have age and location in pie graphs to see the breakdown at a glance. 

Jane H.: I also made line graphs times of encounters, both start times and lengths. It seems like in the past few months, his encounters are happening earlier in the night and are briefer in duration.

Iris: holy shit jane this is incredible!!! sooo helpful! 

Iris: and omg the Montreal Jane tab?! did you put everything in shades of red and blue on purpose lmao i did hear she roots for the metros hahahaa 

Jane H.: Oh right. I forgot about that. I did it sometime last week when I couldn’t sleep. 

Iris: wait why am i getting emotional over the Montreal line graph…

Jane H.: The data you shared said his more recent hook-ups are no longer reporting any interactions with MJ?

Jane H.: No pulling out his phone to text her before or after encounters? I was only entering the information you shared. That’s why there is a negative slope compared to prior months. 

Iris: no it’s all accurate!!! idk it just makes me sad i guess lmao is that weird?

Iris: i guess they finally ended it or something 

Iris: she seemed like the only one he really cared about idk

Jane H.: There wasn’t any data that stated that conclusively. It was all hearsay, observations and assumptions reported by various encounters. That’s not objective data.

Iris: yeaaaah but cmon

Iris: the man sleeps with that many women but has ONE he’s always texting and reaching out to?!

Iris: he barely did double encounters with anyone in our group chat but he has a situationship that goes for YEARS?!!

Iris: i bet he misses her 😭😭😭

Iris: jane? you’re doing that typing thing

Iris: sorry if i’m being too much lmao im on my period and everything is making me emotional 😭

Jane H.: No, sorry.

Jane H.: She probably misses him too. 

Jane H.: Anyway, I need to go, my girlfriend wanted to hang out tonight. I just wanted to get the graphs to you beforehand. 

Jane H.: Hope your menstrual cycle is not too distressing.

Iris: aww thanks jane have fun with your girllll 

Iris: welcome our newest group member, daniella!!! 

Daniella: HEY GIRLS i’m sooo glad i saw this poster because let me tell youuuuuuu 😜

Tiffany: oh this is gonna be juicy huh 🍿🍿🍿

Iris: age/description if you don’t mind, i’m collecting data lmao, then go wild with your story haha! 

Daniella: ooh ok scientistttt so i’m 24, blonde, blue eyesss um not sure what else to say i got a great rack lmao what else 🤣

Amanda: wow he’s going against type interesting interesting 

Daniella: wait whats his type??

Amanda: dark hair and eyes, sometimes freckles, leans asian

Jane H.: Like I’ve said, that could be coincidental given Boston’s growing Asian-American population census data.  

Amanda: dude has a asian kink jane accept it already we are the evidence 

Amanda: anyway daniella tell tell tell 

Daniella: ok yesss

Daniella: so i’m out at the club last night having a great time with my girlsies 

Daniella: and out of nowhereeee i just feel these hands GRAB me

Daniella: and you know when you can tell already that it’s a hot dude just by the hands

Daniella: and they were BIG hands if you know what i mean

Jane H.: No, what does that mean?

Daniella: lmao ill get there 😉

Daniella: soo i look over my shoulder and it’s fucking ILYA ROSANOV, im dying immediately but trying to keep my cool

Daniella: and he doesn’t even HESITATE

Daniella: just starts making out with me full force, fucking worshipping my neck, i swear i was halfway there alreadyyyy 

Jessica: ugh he is such a good kisser 

Jessica: why dont men know how to kiss anymore

Daniella: then he flips me again so we’re back to grinding, still DEVOURING my neck like holy shit 

Daniella: and then i swear to god best night of my life 

Daniella: cause guess who’s suddenly in front of us

Daniella: SHANE FUCKING HOLLANDER!!!

Daniella: both teams were there and the air was THICKKK yknow what im saying

Iris: omg really?? i only follow hockey for data purposes but isn’t hollander like, notoriously an indoor kid 

Samantha: not since he started dating rose landry!! 

Amanda: ugh she’s so hot i would do both of them tbh

Tiffany: yeah hollander is hot shit

Jane H.: Really?

Jessica: do you have eyes jane h i swear lmao honestly shane might be hotter than ilya idk 

Jessica: he’s got that innocence to him but you just know he’s a freak behind closed doors 

Jessica: ive seen those warmup stretches 😏

Jane H.: All hockey players do warmup stretches before a game? It can cause injuries if you don’t.

Jessica: jesus jane are you sure youre not just full lesbo im shocked ilya did anythinggg for you 😂😂

Amanda: shut up you two i wanna hear the story! 

Jessica: sorry sorry!

Daniella: lmao youre good! shane is hot af confirmed, even hotter in person tbh

Daniella: and as soon as ilya sees him i swear to GAWWWWD his dick gets rock hard

Daniella: like not even a little

Daniella: fULLLLLY

Daniella: HARD

Daniella: AS

Daniella: FUCK

Tiffany: fuck now im hard thats so hotttttt 

Daniella: RIGHTTTT

Daniella: like all that male testosterone just getting him so riled from his arch enemy or whatever the fuck 

Daniella: and he’s grabbing onto me sooo possessive like wheew

Daniella: idk what’s the opposite of being a cuck but he’s def that cause he wanted hollander to know i was HIS

Daniella: so he’s like full on tonguefucking my ear

Daniella: which, not really my thing but that man can do whatever he wants it’s fine

Daniella: and tbh he is kinda a bad dancer cause he was sorta just standing behind me giving nothing 

Daniella: but i was throwing it back enough for both of us lmaooo

Daniella: so he's just tonguing my ear and starting down hollander 

Daniella: and hollander is STARING RIGHT BACK AT US

Daniella: and im like omgggg boys dont fightttt theres enough of me for you both 🤣🤣🤣

Jessica: fuck that is so hot im gonna have to get my vibe this dry spell is killing me 😭

Samantha: it shouldve been meee 😭😭😭

Samantha: honestly might prefer a shane/ilya threeway to the one with cliff and ilya hmm

Samantha: so wait was jessica right is hollander a total freak in bed???

Daniella: ugh so idkkk 

Daniella: cause i have a bf so we couldnt do much more 

Tiffany: wait

Jessica: are you kidding me

Samantha: YALL DIDNT FUCK?!?!?

Amanda: way to edge us daniella jfc 😭

Daniella: im sorrrrry 

Daniella: my bf likes to watch but not THAT much so i couldnt take it further 😔

Daniella: trust me i wanted to lmaoo

Daniella: never in my life did i think id have two hockey players fighting over me im totally telling my future grandkids about this 

Jane H.: You didn’t go home with Ilya?

Daniella: noo that’s one of my bf’s boundaries it’s gotta stay at the club sighh 

Jane H.: You didn’t do anything else on the dancefloor?

Daniella: i mean i wanted to but i think he got too worked up lmaoo im telling you he was ready to explodeee without me even touching him

Jane H.: So you didn’t have sex at all, in any way? 

Jessica: omg jane h stop rubbing it in lmaoooo 

Daniella: noooo okay 😭

Daniella: but he def wanted to cause once hollander finally stopped ogling me and left, he was all ~sexy russian voice come home with me~

Daniella: so i had to tell him about my bf and he looked SO crushed 

Daniella: like i think he literally teared up a bit and im not saying that to be like, oh im so hot

Daniella: but his eyes were crazy watery once i said no lmao

Jane H.: Oh. So it sounds like he really wanted to.

Daniella: he and me both lmaoo! 

Daniella: but idk maybe he and hollander have a fuck competition cause he kept looking over there the whole time 

Daniella: and kept asking if i thought rose landry was hot?? like at least ten times

Daniella: idk maybe he was on something he was acting pretty weird

Daniella: would do it again thooooo 🤣

Jane H.: What was he saying about Rose Landry?

Daniella: um i mean i was pretty tipsy 

Daniella: but i feel like a lot of stuff about how she looked, like if i thought most people would find her hot?

Daniella: he was being kinda mean tbh 

Daniella: said her movies were unrealistic cause why would someone with a stupid potato face keep getting kidnapped???

Daniella: and suchhhh random shit 

Daniella: like if i thought she seemed like the marrying type?? 

Daniella: and if i thought she would be into pegging?!

Daniella: and i was like i have NO idea sir i am just trying to dance lmaooo

Daniella: but later i was like ohhhh 

Daniella: maybe he was trying to see if id be cool pegging him 😭

Tiffany: daniella. you are killing me. 

Tiffany: make a time machine so i can go back and peg him right now are you KIDDING me 

Tiffany: you and your boyfriend and this whole chat can watch 

Jane H.: Men ask women to peg them?

Amanda: oh sweet jane h

Amanda: yes lmao

Jane H.: Huh. Good to know. 

Jane H.: I have to go, my girlfriend is trying to figure out dinner reservations. 

Jane H.: I’m sorry you didn’t get to have sex with Ilya, Daniella. That sounds sad for you. 

Daniella: at least we’ll always have the dance floor 🥹🥹🥹

Daniella: plus it probs wouldve been some weird shit like pegging him while watching rose landry movies and hollander is there staring from a corner?? 🤣

Tiffany: so my dream night. wowww

Shane fiddled with his phone, waiting for Rose to arrive for dinner. The restaurant felt romantic, the table secluded all the way in a back corner for privacy. It made Shane’s shirt collar feel even tighter around his neck.

His phone buzzed, likely Rose texting to say she was caught up even longer on set than planned. Shane wouldn’t mind rescheduling.

Iris: hey ladies welcome our latest member!! the new number is lily!

Shane sat up straighter, heart pounding. He didn’t need to add anyone. The number was already in his contacts. He glanced around the restaurant, sure there were neon arrows suddenly pointing to him and drawing everyone’s attention. He crouched back over his phone, eyes scanning quickly. 

Fuck.

Ilya had joined his own roster’s support group.

Shane triple-checked that his private second number showed up in the group chat instead of the number Ilya had, a bead of sweat running between his shoulderblades. 

What. The. Fuck.

“Hey, babe! Sorry I’m so late!”

Rose slid into the seat across from him, squeezing his hand. Shane jerked his head up, phone fumbling to the side of the table.

“Oh, sure, no problem. Hi.”

Shane tried to focus. Rose was chattering about acting and something about her friend Miles, but Shane’s eyes kept getting drawn to the light pulsing underneath his phone like a heartbeat. 

“I have a feeling that maybe I’m not…doing it for you?”

Shane’s head snapped up. Rose was looking at him with something like pity, her lips continuing to move faster than his brain could process. She stopped, waiting for an answer. 

Fuck. 

His words weren’t coming out right. 

Of course he liked kissing her. She was Rose Landry. He loved spending time with her. He liked having a girlfriend. And yeah, the other week, after the club…

“Rose, I know the sex stuff is a problem, but-”

She shook her head firmly, lips moving again, Shane’s hearing going in and out. Maybe he should’ve brought up pegging. Maybe she would’ve been okay with it. Maybe that would’ve made them fit.

She was breaking up with him.

Rose Landry was breaking up with him.

Because she knew.

Because she had seen.

Shane searched for the words, his tongue scraping over the sharp edges of his teeth. His phone was pulsing on the table next to him, his mind short-circuiting, even the soft lighting of the restaurant starting to feel too bright, too blinding. Rose leaned forward, lowering her voice.

“Can I ask if you’ve ever been with another guy?”

The table disappeared. 

Rose Landry disappeared. 

Ilya. 

His lips claiming and encompassing against Shane’s mouth. His hands steady wrapped around the nape of his neck. The curl of his hair between Shane’s fingers. How he sounded when he came, the Russian breaking and softening in small gasps. The abyss of want that cracked open Shane’s chest each time. Never enough. But so many moments when it almost came close.

Rose had asked something. 

The words finally came back to him, little by little.

“Yeah. It was, uh, better.”

His phone lit up again on the table. Shane grabbed it, sliding it into his jacket pocket. 

Somehow they finished the dinner. Somehow Rose still wanted to be friends. Somehow Shane was back at his apartment, looking in the mirror, studying the face of someone who had finally come out for the first time. To one person. 

Two, really, in a way.

It was a start. 

Shane rubbed his face, drying his eyes, and got ready for bed. He slid the clean sheets over his chest, his book waiting on the nightstand. He chewed his lip, then opened the text thread instead. He leaned closer, scrolling up quickly through all the messages he had missed.

The Raiders saying it was always Montreal Jane for Ilya. 

Amanda typing his name next to Ilya’s, her guess dangerously accurate. 

Very, very, interesting anecdotes about hockey roleplay and his yoga special that he filed away for later.

And Lily, his Lily, asking the group if Shane and Rose seemed in love or not. 

Shane exhaled, blinking into the darkness for a moment.

He opened his text thread with Ilya, hovering over their last messages to each other. He still had Ilya’s clothes that he had worn as he left. The joggers he sometimes wore to bed. The shirt he had worn only once to practice before getting so paranoid that somehow, someone would know. Shane’s thumbs hovered over his phone, and then he closed out completely, his heart already pounding. He would talk to him in person. At the All Stars weekend. And he’d see what the data said.

After the All Stars trip, Shane noticed fewer and fewer women joined the group chat. The ones who did shared encounters from farther in the past, having just stumbled across Iris’s posters out at some bar or another. 

No one reported new hook-ups.

Shane noted this on his shared spreadsheet with Iris. He did not report how big of a smile he got as the days turned into weeks and the line graph stayed stable. 

Shane snuggled into Ilya’s chest, taking in his favorite view from the cottage’s master bedroom. The trees swayed outside, afternoon light pouring into the room.

“Can I ask you something?”

“No, Shane, I cannot go again just yet. I need at least sixty-seconds for recovery.”

Shane snorted, batting Ilya’s chest. 

“No. Just…the other people you’ve been with…”

“Shane…”

“Ilya.”

“I told you I love you. You want to talk about all these people I have never said I love you to? Why? They do not matter to me.”

“I’m just curious. Did you ever…practice with them? I don’t know. Like make them meals that you wanted to make me and stuff?”

Shane felt Ilya’s arms stiffen around his back. Shane burrowed closer into his chest, hiding his smile.

“No, that would be pathetic. Who said this? Svetlana is always lying, you cannot trust her.”

“Only wondering.” Shane kissed his pec, grinning. “It was a really good tuna melt. Impressive for a first try.”

“Yes, whatever. I’m ready now. Turn over. On your knees.”

Shane's breath caught in his throat. He obeyed.

Jane H.: Hey Iris, I have some new data for you. I put it in the spreadsheet.

Iris: omg really?!?! it’s been such a dry spell! 

Iris: i haven’t gotten any new groupchat requests??

Jane H.: Right. I ran into her in person. We got to talking.

Iris: ooh out in the field getting data, i love it!! ok i don’t see the updates what tab was it?

Jane H.: The kink tab. Under giving I added bondage, edging, and some interest in forced feminization. 

Iris: damn this is all from one encounter she had?! that’s wild

Iris: lemme share with the chat, idt we’ve had something like this before

Iris: heyyy rosanov roster!! i know it’s been a bit quiet in here lately but we got some new info! 

Iris: can anyone share if they did any of the following in their encounter for our data: bondage, edging, forced feminization  

Tiffany: i did the opposite of forced fem if ya know what i mean 😉🏳️‍⚧️

Samantha: damn someone’s a freakkk glad the more things change the more ilya stays the same

Samantha: i was getting worried about him becoming celibate 

Samantha: but then again i did just get engaged so i guess some hos can become housewives 🥲

Lily: who is saying this

Lily: this is lie

Lily: liar told you this  

Lily: some desperate girl making up stories, will probably make whole video online about her made up night with russian love machine 

Lily: and all gossip sites will pick up without fact checking and whole hockey world will see 

Lily: you can get sued for that so be very very careful 😡 

“Everything okay?”

Ilya glanced up from his phone, a guilty look passing over his face. 

“Ah, yes, sorry. Few more minutes. Then I’m all yours.”

“Is it something serious? You look upset.” Shane tilted his head, pressing his lips together. 

“No, I am…” Ilya sighed, lowering his phone. “I am fighting with people on the internet, okay? They are saying I am a manwhore. But I am only a Shanewhore. You should not be worried if you see anything, kotehok. It is all lies.”

Shane’s lips twitched and he crossed his arms, trying to make his face seem angrier. 

“Hm. I don’t know. You might have to prove that to me.”

Ilya raised his eyebrows. He kept his eyes fixed on Shane, hand flipping his phone behind him onto the couch cushion, the other already reaching for Shane. 

Shane rolled over sleepily, blinking at Ilya’s phone. 

Ilya ruffled his hair. “Shh, go back to sleep.”

Shane squinted closer. “Ilya. You know you’re already a man, right?”

Ilya exited the online shopping page for binders, coughing loudly.   

“Yes, but my pecs are so large, might be nice when jogging.”

“Mhm.” Shane tilted his head, waiting. 

Ilya sighed.

“It is for someone I know. He is not a girl anymore and I want to…show support somehow. But.” Ilya shrugged.

Shane nodded. “I think that’s nice. Who’s the friend?”

Ilya’s jaw clenched, his eyes darting around the dark bedroom. 

“Ah. From years ago. Hockey enthusiast.”

“Mhm.” 

Shane made himself keep a serious expression, his brows lowering like when he got upset. 

“And is this the same friend who needed a hundred multicolored penis straws with a gift message that said, sorry/congrats about same dick forever, ilya’s will always be the best though?”

Ilya shot up in bed. “How do you know about that?”

“You used my account to get the two-day shipping.” Shane rolled his eyes. “That’s really your biggest concern right now?”

“Ah, solnyshko, it is not what it sounds like.” Ilya closed his eyes. “What it sounds like may actually be better.”

“Than…?”

Ilya exhaled. “So. There is this support group…for my dick.”

Shane sat back. He let Ilya dig himself into deeper and deeper holes, doing his best to appear as pissed off as he truly would be if he hadn’t already known. 

And then he made Ilya make it up to him. 

Multiple times. 

For many, many hours.

“Shane?” Ilya stood in their backyard, the breeze ruffling his curls slightly. “Now that we’ve been outed, can I tell the support group myself? I have been biting my tongue for so long.”

Ilya pouted in Shane’s direction, beckoning him closer. 

“Hmph.” Shane chewed his lower lip, pretending to consider.

Ilya slid his wide hands around Shane’s waist, drawing him in, lips skimming the underside of Shane’s jaw.

“Mm, but I want to show you off so bad, Shane.”

“Fine. One picture.”

“Two.” Ilya grabbed his ass, lips skimming his as he smirked.

Shane watched as Ilya looked down at his phone, soft smile lingering on his face as he typed something in the chat. Shane felt his phone vibrate. 

Samantha: WHAT

Samantha: THE 

Samantha: ACTUAL

Samantha: FUCK

Jessica: you guys ive had too much wine am i hallucinating 

Iris: is this actually ilya rosanov??? hold up a newspaper or something 

Amanda: OH MY GOD HE’S FACETIMIGN US WTFFFF

Tiffany: why am i scared to pick up AH

Lily: see now you know it is me 

Lily: rude that you immediately hung up though samantha 

Lily: i thought you liked me better than that 

Samantha: MY SOON TO BE HUSBAND IS IN THE NEXT ROOM ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Samantha: OMFG I HIRIED A STRIPPED THAT LOOKED LIKE YOU

Samantha: THIS IS SO EMBRASSING 

Samantha: DO NOT TELL CLIFF 

Amanda: shane i am so sorry i said i looked like you 

Amanda: you are so much prettier 😭😭😭

Tiffany: i regret nothing 😏

Iris: lmao tiff shane is RIGHT there 

Tiffany: hockey roleplay threeway then!!! youre telling me shane wouldnt be into that?

Lily: shane says thank you no thank you

Tiffany: yeah right i bet you didnt even ask

Tiffany: too scared of some competition smh

Shayne: wait i missed a facetime from lily??? is that pic real??? is this real life?!?!

Jae: WHAT IS HAPPENING THE FUCKKK

Iris: wait Ilya, i have sooo many questions for you, can you confirm some theories!! 

Lily: yes my type is shane

Lily: yes i liked names shane, jane, all this 

Lily: yes i was maybe not so nice and always thinking of him 

Lily: was bad to be on phone or watching hockey when with all you beautiful people

Lily: but shane is the most pretty so

Lily: not that sorry 💁‍♂️

Lily: any other questions? 

Amanda: im still in shock 

Jessica: i cant believe i said you were my best one night stand omfg please delete that from your brain

Iris: also SO sorry to shane i hope you know ilya was clearly obsessed with you from the start!! we come in peace!!

Lily: shane says he will join this group so he has people to complain to when i am doing dishwasher wrong

Lily: very rude 

Iris: um

Iris: wtf

Iris: jane h just emailed me a VERY comprehensive data set…

Lily: who is this jane h, another liar? 

Lily: anyone saying they have been with me, liar, i am only with shane now 

Lily: have been for a while now 😤😤😤

Tiffany: oh yeah that girl messaged all the time back in the day whatever happened to her 

Iris: ilya…do you have a 90% likelihood of arousal response when nagged by shane 

Iris: because that’s what this data says

Lily: …

Lily: the fuck.

Iris: umm statistically significant reduced refractory period when shane mentions other men he finds attractive and/or hayden pike in any context?

Lily: iris 

Iris: time to ejaculation reduced by average of three minutes over 20 trials when shane uses french as opposed to control group (english only)?? 

Lily: iris who sent you that

Ilya raised his gaze to Shane, seething. 

“Shane.”

“Ilya…” Shane bit his lip, trying to hide his grin.

“This Jane H. has been in the slutty support group.”

“Yes.”

“She has known about the slutty support group.”

“Yes.”

“She has been collecting data about our slutty sex for the purposes of this group?”

“Yes.” Shane tried to casually shrug, his smile finally exploding. “And, well, maybe personal use too.”

Ilya breathed out through his nose, ignoring the obvious twitch between his legs.

“Upstairs, Hollander. Now.”

“Just one second.”

Jane H.: Sorry everyone, we have to go. Ilya is pretty mad.

Jane H.: Iris can share the data sets if anyone is interested.

Jane H.: I color-coded them and everything! 

Jane H.: 🙂🙂🙂

Jessica: um what the fuck just happened

Iris: idk but this is now the best day of my life

Samantha: im just gonna be sitting here replaying everything 

Samantha: is cliff in a throuple with them??? what else dont we know?!

Tiffany: fr maybe i was onto something with my shayden theories  

Amanda: lemme just reread YEARS of our groupchat with fresh scandalized eyes 

Samantha: wait we have ilya’s number now lmao 

Samantha: and shane’s…burner one i guess???

Samantha: we should totally start prankcalling them lmaooo 

Iris: um

Iris: maybe not right now

Iris: someone is in the datasheet

Iris: actively updating it

Iris: oh thats 

Iris: wow

Iris: okay

Iris: 😳

Iris: i think theyre gonna be very happy together 

Chapter End Notes

i love science! and sex! and you all for reading! <3