Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Team Ensemble, Shane Hollander & Rose Landry

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander, Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Rose Landry, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble (Game Changers)

Additional Tags:

Social Media, Fluff and Crack, Light Angst, Crushes, Twitter, POV Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov is Obsessed With Shane Hollander, Mixed Media, self-image issues, Crack Treated Seriously, POV Shane Hollander, Texting, Character Study, Implied Sexual Content, Compulsory Heterosexuality, Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, The Centaurs are Wife Guys, Shane Hollander is Obsessed With Ilya Rozanov, Everyone Loves Shane Hollander, Attractive Shane Hollander

Language:

English

Series:

Part 2 of crackin' open a cold one

Collections:

HollaNov fanfics I Love

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-16 Completed: 2026-03-22 Words: 14,000 Chapters: 5/5

Celebrity Crush(ed)

Summary

It is a truth universally acknowledged that naming Shane Hollander as your celebrity crush does not make you gay.

It just means you love hockey.

Chapter 1: Ilya

Chapter Notes

It is a truth universally acknowledged that naming Shane Hollander as your celebrity crush does not make you gay.

It just means you love hockey.

Sure, Shane Hollander has a beautiful face, with those deep brown eyes, a strong, straight nose that’s never been broken by a punch on the ice, soft, plush lips that twist around anything he can get his mouth on, a jawline that is only getting sharper with age, and the freckles that scatter across his cheekbones like the flick of a master artist’s paintbrush.

And his body, all hard planes of well-earned muscle juxtaposed with the softness of him when he goes lax, beautifully soft hands that move like a dream, powerful legs that push him further, faster, than most can match. Than anyone can match, some days.

And yet, crushing on him is not about that hunger, the drive that makes Ilya want to see him from every angle, want to hear every sound that he can pull from those lips.

Shane Hollander is no toothless, beaten bloody, mean-spirited hockey player. He is simply too good, too pure in his image to sully with lust. 

That’s not entirely true either. Off the ice, thousands lust after Shane Hollander. He is Cosmopolitan’s Hottest NHL Player. His face lines billboards, mysterious and unreadable when he is not smiling softly. Puck bunnies the continent over want to get into his pants. He is every straight girl’s ideal boyfriend.

But on the ice, he comes alive in a way that truly no other person does. He is hockey, plain and simple. The Messiah, to the most ardent of fans. His body becomes a machine in service of the game, making what is near impossible look effortless. He makes the rest of the Metros look clumsy and ill-prepared as he glides past them. It’s not a matter of attraction to appreciate Shane Hollander. It’s just a fact.

Thus, naming Shane Hollander as your celebrity crush does not make you gay.

It just means you love hockey.

Ilya would know. He started the trend.

2013-2014

It begins in October, when the new social media intern starts a question of the week series.

Ilya has the unfortunate luck of going first, as she corners him with a microphone on his way out of the showers.

“Hey Captain Rozanov, who’s your celebrity crush?”

Crush? Like smash into the boards? Or like crushing something underfoot, utterly ruining it? Or like defeating someone, so badly they never see the light of day again?

There’s only one person in his life who he distinctly needs to defeat.

“Shane Hollander. He beat me for Art Ross last year, but I am already ahead in goals this season. I will crush him this year. His Corsi is better than mine, though. I will have to work on that,” he admits begrudgingly.

She goes quiet for a second, looking like she’s stifling a laugh.

He hates when people do that, when they get that look that means they think he’s an idiot.

“No, your celebrity crush, like someone you like and admire and would want to be with romantically. Not someone you want to beat. Someone out of your league.”

English really is a stupid language. The only reason he knows what ‘out of your league’ means is Marly, who only likes girls who he thinks are out of his league, and constantly complains about it.

“I like my way better though,” he argues. “Like crushing into boards. And there is no one out of my league.” He winks at the intern.

She laughs. “I guess we’ll leave it at that. Ilya Rozanov’s celebrity crush is Shane Hollander.”

The fact that there’s a little part of his heart that’s happy with the idea gets crushed down into a corner, where all the things he doesn’t want to think about go.

He’s just going to ignore it, let it be one of the many things he says over the course of this season.

Joey @Puckwizard456

bro they asked rozanov about his celebrity crush and he said fucking shane hollander

Joey @Puckwizard456

seriously like wtf

 

Dave @davenpuck

nah dude he said said he wants to crush hollander literally

 

Dave @davenpuck

started yapping about stats and everything

 

Chase @raidersfannn

roz is so rivalry brained that he didn’t even process what a celebrity crush is. just instantly started threatening hollander

 

Jack @bostonboiz248

this is coming from the guy who has an instagram signal for when he picks up

 

Jack @bostonboiz248

i don’t think he knows how to have a crush. he just winks and girls are in his bed.

 

Brad Mercer @bradmercer

ain’t no way he actually means it

 

Brad Mercer @bradmercer

dude is from Russia. you really think he’s actually out here calling Shane Hollander his celebrity crush? grow up

After their next game, against San Jose, Ilya is cornered during the media scrum.

A reporter with a too-bright smile asks: “Mr. Rozanov, you mentioned recently that Shane Hollander was your celebrity crush. Could you elaborate on your statement?”

Ilya leans into the microphone. “Is true. I crush him this year. Beat him to the Cup. Next question?”

Okay, maybe he hasn’t been able to ignore it. Maybe it’s gotten just a little too popular for Ilya’s taste.

Scandal is something he keeps in moderation, always short and passing within a day or two. Nothing lasts except for his work on the ice.

And the rivalry. Which this is a part of, certainly. These people will beat this small mistake of his to death and beyond.

In a different stadium, after Montreal has just played in Detroit, Shane Hollander is asked:

“Mr. Hollander, Ilya Rozanov has gone on the record calling you his celebrity crush. What do you have to say to him?”

Hollander pauses for a long moment.

Hesitantly, he asks, “Wasn’t he talking about trying to beat me on the ice?” After a shorter pause, he says with a little more confidence, “Do you have any further questions about tonight’s game? I don’t need to discuss Rozanov until he catches up to me.”

Bailey @rozanovgrl

I can’t tell if this is a very elaborate bit or a confession

Jack @bostonboiz248

hollander’s clearly treating it like rozanov originally did though

 

Jack @bostonboiz248

an escalation of the rivalry through a really weird chirp. it does kind of track 

 

will @r4iders4lyf3

yeah rozanov is probably just trying to provoke him a little. the next metros-raiders game is this week.

 

boo metros @metrosux

hollander def took the bait with his comment about catching up tho

Ilya doesn’t say it again during the season, not with the disaster at the Olympics and the Cup on the horizon. He can’t afford to break his focus. No (kind-eyed, eager, good, so good, so good for Ilya) distractions are going to get in his way.

Then again, he doesn’t need to. The entire Raiders locker room chirps him to death for it. It’s gotten to the point where at least one of them will say Shane Hollander’s name in response to any question just to try and piss him off.

“If Rozanov wasn’t your captain, who would you want running the locker room?”

“Shane Hollander.”

“Who’s the current best MLH player?”

“Shane Hollander.”

“Which player is most likely to survive the apocalypse?”

“Shane Hollander.”

“Who could you beat in a fight, hands-down?”

“Shane Hollander.”

Marly gets a lot of laughs for that one.

It comes up again as he blindly reads off of a teleprompter while Hollander vibrates beside him.

“Can I get a selfie? It’s not every day that you’re on stage with your celebrity crush.” He winks, because it doesn’t feel right not to.

“No way.” Hollander stands still, smiling that awkward fucking smile as Ilya cups the back of his neck, hand trailing down where no one can see it.

There is an undiluted fury in Hollander’s eyes as they walk offstage.

Good, Ilya thinks, even as he follows him to the bathroom. Far better for there to be fury in his eyes than that softness he saw, looking up as Hollander kissed his forehead, that gentle want beyond the sex and the chirping and everything that made Ilya chase the feeling of Hollander’s hands on his skin.

He can’t kiss him, in that Vegas penthouse.

It would mean succumbing.

2014-2015

It doesn’t come back up for a little while. The bit dies down in the Raiders locker room, turning into something they reference in the group chat every so often.

But the Metros win the 2015 Stanley Cup. And in a video of the locker room after the game, Hayden Pike stands up on his bench to tell the world that his celebrity crush is Shane Hollander just for his game-winning goal. More than half of the Metros start screaming, while J.J. Boiziau kisses Shane on the cheek and swears about giving up his firstborn for that goal. 

Hollander’s mouth quirks in a smile, soft and indulgent as his team riots around him, spraying him with champagne. 

It’s not as though they’re wrong. The goal was beautiful, breaking the stalemate with 3 seconds left in the third period, a shot through traffic that no one thought would succeed that miraculously made it past the goalie’s hands anyway.

But this is the moment that it becomes more than just Ilya’s mistake, the clumsiness of his tongue. 

shaydens unite! @shaydenforever

i told y’all shayden was real

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

have you forgotten that pike is MARRIED?? with 3 kids and a 4th on the way??

 

shaydens unite! @shaydenforever

so? that doesn’t mean he can’t be pining for shane. he’s clearly covering for it by making it a joke.

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

girl if hayden was cracking a joke then what about rozanov

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

remember him? the first one to make the celebrity crush joke? shane’s dedicated rival?

 

shaydens unite! @shaydenforever

rozanov is a womanizing asshole who was clearly trying to get a rise out of shane. hayden is supporting and uplifting his best friend.

2015-2016

From then on, the bit catches fire.

A rookie defenseman from San Francisco says it, blushing slightly as he’s chirped but justifying it with Hollander’s shots on goal stats from their most recent game.

A vet out of Tampa calls him his celebrity crush, if only because he can’t say his wife as an answer.

A backup goalie in Toronto calls him ‘hockey Superman, or maybe the Flash’. 

That one gets a surprising amount of agreement from various goalies across the league. ‘Sleep paralysis demon’ is the phrase that gets thrown around for a while after that.

It’s enough that Ilya can occasionally say it himself, when he feels like it. It always earns him an angry text from Jane that makes him stir in more ways than one.

The truth, of course, always stays locked away, behind hotel room doors, in dark alleyways, in dark corners where no one can look too closely.

Ilya watches Shane Hollander lift the Stanley Cup for a second year in a row as his teammates chant, “Crush! Crush! Crush!” around him, and feels his heart descend.

It’s impossible to hate him. Shane Hollander is the epitome of a nice Canadian boy, never chirping when he can outplay you, never making an illegal play when an appropriately forceful check will do, never dropping his gloves. He is quiet and kind, tossing pucks to kids in the stands and speaking to them not as children but as people, giving his time, his focus, his energy to everyone he speaks to.

And after years of endlessly chasing his rise, Ilya Rozanov can’t fall any further.

leslie @shanehollanderglove

you can tell he’s such a good captain

leslie @shanehollanderglove

literally everyone can see it

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

try and name one other player you could put into any team in the mlh who could dominate like shane hollander has

Colin Pierce @hockeyfan3825

Scott Hunter? Ilya Rozanov?

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Hunter can’t hold it together to get the Admirals to the Cup. Hollander's one of the youngest captains in the league and he’s done it twice.

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Rozanov has one Cup to Hollander’s two. He’s good, but Hollander's better. and Hollander isn’t an asshole who licks people.

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Hollander plays with the big picture in mind. He's not selfish about it. He's humble about wins and gracious about losses.

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

His strategic play has gotten the Metros to the playoffs in every year of his captaincy, and to the Cup twice.

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

His room is the same caliber as the other top-tier teams. It's his leadership that’s made the difference for the Metros.

2016-2017

And then, he invites Hollander to his house.

At first, it’s normal. Their usual chemistry brought into daylight. Ilya tries his best to keep it casual, to keep it light when he gently probes to see if Hollander is seeing anyone else. When he takes the ingredients for tuna melts out of his carefully prepared containers and a can of ginger ale out of the fridge, one of twelve.

He can’t.

“Shane,” breathed out when he reaches the brink, spills from his lips as the box opens and Hollander Shane can see right through to the bleeding core of him.

“Ilya,” he hears back, but when he leans forward to kiss Shane, he meets nothing as Shane leans away, getting up hastily.

“I can’t do this.”

“Hollander,” he says, the stains cooling on his Rick Owens sweatpants, the plates left out and the game still running in the background as Shane Hollander leaves him.

“Captain Rozanov, who’s your celebrity crush?” The social media intern asks, a different one now so long after the bit started. This one still looks expectant, like he thinks he already knows what the answer will be.

Ilya’s mind goes blank.

He says something rote, some pop star whose music plays in the stadiums who he thinks has come by a game this season.

The intern makes a surprised noise. “Not Shane Hollander, then?”

Ilya tries to smile. It doesn't come out right. “I know what crush means by now. Besides, he is off the market, yes? He and his own celebrity crush, Miss Rose Landry.”

“I guess that’s true,” the intern says. Ilya turns back to his locker, not wanting to answer any more questions.

Gracie! @hollanova

is it bad that i’m kind of sad the crush bit is over

Gracie! @hollanova

like i thought it was just a thing he did but i guess not

 

Gracie! @hollanova

and noah fence but notorious manwhore ilya rozanov is not the guy i thought would be respecting other people’s relationships

 

Gracie! @hollanova

i’m starting a rumor

In Tampa, he sits by the bar with a beer, exuding the energy of a man who does not want to talk to anyone.

Or maybe that’s just his face. The Hawaiian shirt doesn’t help.

When Hollander enters, he has to keep himself from turning to face him, an asteroid caught inexorably in his orbit.

He looks…

He looks good, styled to a T, wrapped into a neat little bow. Like the kind of guy who spends his free time with an A-List actress.

He looks happy. 

Ilya tries to probe gently, to know whether he should leave the glass shards of his heart behind, even though the cuts remain.

He comes out of the conversation with a word.

Compatible.

The game flows like water. He and Shane are electric, scoring goals as easily as taking breaths.

He rushes forward and presses a kiss into Shane’s helmet.

“Great pass.”

“Great goal.”

The photos show up on Twitter after Shane disappears from the after party.

“Man, I never thought I’d see the day you two beauticians got along, but I guess miracles do happen,” Carter Vaughn says, slapping Ilya on the back. “Really friendly now, aren’t you.”

Ilya smiles. “I had to take the opportunity to kiss my celebrity crush, no?”

Vaughn roars with laughter.

Ilya slips away to find Hollander on the beach, and tries not to have too much hope as their hands inch closer together.

He stops thinking about it rather abruptly as his father dies and he flies to Moscow overnight.

He says я тебя люблю, knowing Shane will not know what it means but needing to say it anyway.

(This is the last time you will see your homeland.)

He watches Shane fly into the boards after Marly’s check and tastes bitterness on his tongue.

(Everything you love has to leave eventually, Ilya. Nothing is permanent.)

He fights through bruised ribs in the Eastern Conference Finals and it is not enough to defeat the Admirals.

He watches from his couch as Scott Hunter finally lifts the Cup after so many years, and calls a man down to the ice to kiss him.

“I’m coming to the cottage.”

Ilya stands in the kitchen of the Hollanders’ summer cottage after Shane runs out after his mom, while David Hollander starts to cook pasta. He mindlessly hands David implements as he asks for them and moves as he’s directed.

“So, Ilya,” David clears his throat. “I have to ask.”

Ilya waits for a moment while his stomach drops.

“The celebrity crush thing—I mean we always assumed you were joking about that—”

“It was not a joke,” Ilya interjects, relief setting in. “Was mistake, at first. I did not know what crush meant. But over time, it was just silly, simple way to say that I liked Shane, even if no one believed. Has been more than a crush, for me, always.” 

Not that he called it what it was, himself. These are things to realize in hindsight.

“Oh,” David says softly, tapering off into silence as Shane and Yuna return from outside.

2017-2020

For his last year in Boston, the bit comes back with a vengeance. His teammates know he won’t get angry at it anymore, but it’s still an inside joke.

On his part, he calls Shane Hollander his celebrity crush with his whole chest and a smile, thinking of the look on Shane’s face the entire time.

In Ottawa, the social media manager, Harris, with his pins and his apples, loves the bit. He starts up a question of the week series and slides the question in.

More than half of the Centaurs say Shane Hollander. Ilya thinks some of them might really mean it.

At the launch of the Irina Foundation, he makes the joke in front of Shane for the first time, and his boyfriend just laughs politely.

Shane wins another Cup with the Metros, and all it does is cement his status as one of the greats.

The MLH’s collective celebrity crush.

March 2021

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

ok fuck brad but also like

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

rozanov has been doing the celebrity crush bit the entire time. you’re telling me he actually locked this man down????

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

hockey jesus aside you’re telling me fuckboi of the streets ilya rozanov was PUBLICLY PINING FOR HIS MAN and we all DIDN’T BELIEVE HIM??

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

comphet is one hell of a drug

 

Gracie! @hollanova

just because ilya rozanov locked down his celebrity crush does not mean you can

 

Gracie! @hollanova

he is a rich decorated hockey player who pulled half of the girls in boston before leaving for his longtime rival

 

Gracie! @hollanova

he looks like that and is literally the only one who can match shane hollander right now

 

Gracie! @hollanova

captained a rebuild of the worst team in the league in three years. unprecedented.

 

Gracie! @hollanova

opposites attract and all that but shane hollander took one look and said the only man good enough for me is ilya rozanov

 

Gracie! @hollanova

and you know it’s because he’s good at hockey. he's hot and has incredible BDE too but the hockey messiah would not settle for anything less.

Chapter End Notes

I hope you like it! I've caught the HR bug a bit. Feel free to tell me what you think, and let me know if you want to see Shane's POV.

Quick Notes:

- To be completely clear; Ilya is kind of being unreliable about his own skill level here. There is a lot of Shane glazing that went into this fic.
- Ilya is just saying I love you in Russian.
- Most of this fic condenses and minorly alters the show's timeline, but goes further into The Long Game as time passes.
- As for Russia, Ilya gets away with it by calling it a translation mistake initially, and only really joins in again once it's clear that the bit is its own thing that won't put him at risk.

Chapter 2: Shane I

Chapter Summary

It is a truth universally acknowledged that naming Shane Hollander as your celebrity crush does not make you gay.

It just means you love hockey.

And it doesn’t mean you have to like Shane all that much, either. As a person, at least.

Chapter Notes

It is a truth universally acknowledged that naming Shane Hollander as your celebrity crush does not make you gay.

It just means you love hockey.

And it doesn’t mean you have to like Shane all that much, either. As a person, at least.

Shane is aware that people like him for his body. He’s gotten enough comments about ‘sex appeal’ and ‘naturalistic masculinity’ and ‘the line between mystery and vulnerability’ at photoshoots and commercial shoots over the years. 

He’s also not an oblivious fucking idiot, much like his team sometimes seems to think. Enough girls come up to him at bars on the very rare occasions that he goes out that he knows they like the way he looks. The boys all give him slaps on the back when he starts chatting with a girl at the club and suddenly she and all of her friends are coming to sit at their table. 

Does he usually let it go anywhere? No. Is he sometimes not paying enough attention when someone is trying to talk to him about non-hockey topics? Sometimes. Did he miss when a girl trailed her fingers up his arm and up his collar one time because he was too busy watching the Raiders-Admirals game on the TV in the bar? Okay, yes.

Maybe they have a point about the oblivious thing. In his defense, most girls come up to talk to him ‘because he seems so nice’. Or ‘sweet’. Or ‘safe’. Or ‘not likely to roofie you.’

(Of course he wouldn’t do that. His mother raised him right. He can’t say that about everyone.)

The team gives him compliments of their own in the locker room. Usually it’s a, “Lookin’ jacked, Hollzy!” or a “We’ll keep that face looking pretty, Capitaine!” from Hayden and J.J., but the rest of the guys get in on it whenever he has a new ad out. One of the rookies gets a slap upside the head for suggesting his nickname should be Hottie instead of Hollzy after his Calvin Klein shoot comes out.

He’s also aware that people like him for his ability to play hockey. 

He’s not going to play at false humility about it. He knows he’s good at hockey. Great at hockey, even. The best. He’s been hearing it since he was a kid. He’s won enough awards to know that he’s pretty damn good at hockey.

It’s the one thing that remains constant. 

But play badly, and the gossamer thread of his good reputation will break. They’ll find him too strange (too boring, too quiet, too lame, too Asian, too mixed, too pretty, too gay, too selfish, too singular, too Shane) to continue liking him. To keep letting him play.

He has to be able to play hockey. He can’t do anything else.

So he works hard. He trains hard. He plays hard. He gives his team the glory because he knows taking it for himself would mean losing it altogether. He can’t do anything else. 

If that means he doesn’t drink during the season, doesn’t eat outside of his diet plan, doesn’t go out when they have practice or a game the next day, doesn’t go around picking up girls, then so be it. He can’t do anything else.

(The one indulgence he has stays locked behind hotel room doors and sneaks through an alley into an investment property. There is nothing to find of Shane Hollander’s torrid affair.)

Everyone calling him their celebrity crush doesn’t matter. They can look at him all they want. They don’t really want all of him anyway.

He has work to do.

2013-2014

The first time he really hears about it is during a post-game media scrum after the Metros beat Detroit 3-1.

A reporter comes up to him, microphone outstretched. “Mr. Hollander, Ilya Rozanov has gone on the record calling you his celebrity crush. What do you have to say to him?”

What.

What the fuck. Is Rozanov insane?

Spin it. Remember the media rules. Maybe he just misunderstood the question.

Hesitantly, Shane asks, “Wasn’t he talking about trying to beat me on the ice?” After a shorter pause, he says with a little more confidence, “Do you have any further questions about tonight’s game? I don’t need to discuss Rozanov until he catches up to me.”

Good enough.

The cameras flash as the reporter moves on, apparently pleased with his answer.

Rozanov doesn’t text him for six months.

After the Olympics, it’s hard to quiet that little voice in the back of his head that says, He got what he wanted. He doesn’t need you anymore. 

He has to hold back a smile as his team jeers at the Raiders winning the Stanley Cup, Rozanov hefting it over his head and yelling in Russian. He has to suppress that little burst of pride, that push that says, I'm going to beat you next year.

And then they’re together onstage, and Rozanov is playing along with the clown show they’ve orchestrated out of this rivalry.

“Can I get a selfie? It’s not every day that you’re on stage with your celebrity crush.” Rozanov winks, exactly the way he did in his rookie interviews, exactly the way he does when people throw their hats on the ice for him.

“No way.” Shane stiffens, holding a rictus grin as Rozanov cups the back of his neck and trails his hand down while the camera shutter clicks.

He can’t stop himself from taking Rozanov’s MVP deal. He can’t stop himself from leaning into it as Rozanov kisses him for the first time in half a year.

He can’t stop himself from going up to Penthouse 1, from showing off, from taking all that Rozanov can give.

2014-2015

The locker room is so loud that Shane is starting to feel numb.

They just won the Stanley Cup. For the first time in over a decade, the Metros won the Cup.

And they did with Shane as Captain. Off of his game-winning goal.

Shane doesn’t think he’s had a happier moment than lifting the Stanley Cup over his head.

Next to him, Hayden starts clambering up on his bench, the champagne bottle in his hand spraying. Shane puts one hand on the bench while the other hovers, waiting for Hayden to slip on the bubbly that has completely coated the bench.

“I have an announcement for all of you fuckers,” Hayden shouts over the din. It doesn’t get quieter. “I have a celebrity crush.”

“You’re married, Hayden,” Shane says patiently.

“No, no, shh–” Hayden tips a little bit, trying to get back down to where he can shush Shane. Shane zips his lips in an effort to get Hayden to stop moving. “I’m telling you—HEY ASSHOLES! LISTEN UP!”

Now the room gets quieter.

“I have a celebrity crush,” Hayden announces. “And you know who it is?”

“Who?” The rookie, Andropov pipes up.

Hayden takes a wobbly step and points down towards Shane. “This fucking guy right here. Captain Shane Motherfucking Hollander, who just won us the FUCKING STANLEY CUP off of that ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING GOAL.”

The room whoops as Hayden jumps off the bench and J.J. sweeps Shane onto his feet, practically picking him up off of the ground. “Crisse, I will have to give my goddamn firstborn for that goal, Capitaine. Absolute legend!”

“Thanks, J.J.” Shane smiles as they spray him with champagne.

“Cap’s gotta drink out the Stanley Cup!” Drapeau yells as he starts dumping beer into the trophy.

Shane is surrounded by a chorus of “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” as he sighs and leans back.

Gracie! @hollanova

ok fuck marry kill ilya rozanov scott hunter and shane hollander

harry @itssodrover

y’all better answer this correctly because there is a correct answer

 

mandy @amanduh

elaborate??

 

harry @itssodrover

obviously it’s fuck rozanov marry hollander kill hunter

 

harry @itssodrover

fuck rozanov bc it’s one night and you know he’s slangin’ and he’ll go down on you without question

 

harry @itssodrover

marry hollander bc he’s such a sweetie but also the kind of guy who has his life together. also rich af.

 

harry @itssodrover

kill hunter bc he’s the old loser version of hollander. objectively the worst of the three. peaked in ‘07. maybe a serial killer.

 

Gracie! @hollanova

damn

 

Gracie! @hollanova

i can’t argue with that because you are correct

 

harry @itssodrover

also i forgot

 

harry @itssodrover

marry hollander because then you get to fuck him whenever you want. dude is hot as fuck.

 

mandy @amanduh

goddamn dude

 

mandy @amanduh

idk tho hollander kind of seems like the type of guy to do 30 seconds of missionary and then pass out

 

harry @itssodrover

that is absolute slander against my hometown hero Shane Hollander

 

harry @itssodrover

you KNOW the 30 seconds of missionary man is hayden pike

 

harry @itssodrover

have you SEEN shane’s stamina? look at him at the end of games when the rest of the metros are flagging

 

harry @itssodrover

you can BET he’s going multiple rounds

2015-2016

The MLH’s Celebrity Crush: Understanding the Hype Around Shane Hollander

by Luke Henderson for ESPN Daily

When you drive into the city of Montreal, there is one face that dominates the landscape. 

Shane Hollander appears on billboards and murals all across the city, from his many sponsorships to loving fan tributes of him on the ice.

When you enter the Bell Centre, the number 24 is written across thousands of jerseys.

But just who is Captain Shane Hollander?

Hollander has picked up many monikers over the years: Hollzy, Holly, Hollywood, Captain Canada, the list goes on. But the one that seems to have stuck around is celebrity crush. This started as an offhand comment from Hollander’s rival, Captain Ilya Rozanov, in 2013, but has grown into a true phenomenon. Players across many teams cite his skill on the ice when asked about their inspirations.

If we go in time back a few years, he was the second overall draft pick in 2009, behind only Ilya Rozanov, who was selected first by the Boston Raiders. This pick was the start of a new era for the Montreal Metros, who had been limping along at the bottom of the league for years prior to Hollander’s tenure. Many remarked that Hollander was the keystone around which the Metros front office intended to rebuild their legacy.

In his rookie season, he took home the Calder Memorial Trophy after a phenomenal performance in his first year, scoring 68 goals as the Metros’ first line center. Since then, he has won the Art Ross Memorial Trophy twice, for scoring the most points in a season, and the Rocket Richard Memorial Trophy once, for scoring the most goals in a season. He is considered one of the best two-way forwards in the MLH.

Beyond his astonishing ability to score, Hollander is one of the nicest guys in the rink. He’s been in contention for the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy for Sportsmanship for every year of his career, and has won thrice. According to some, he is 'impossible to hate'.

Hollander is the first captain of Asian descent in the MLH, becoming an alternate captain in 2011, partway through his rookie season, and taking up the title in 2012, only two years into his career. Under his captaincy, the Metros have been to the playoffs three times, and won the Stanley Cup twice. Hollander won the Hart Memorial Trophy for Most Valuable Player during the regular season in both 2015 and 2016. He additionally won the Conn Smythe Trophy for Most Valuable Player in the MLH playoffs in 2016, joining an exclusive group of players to win both awards in a single year, including Bobby Orr, Guy LaFleur, and Wayne Gretzky.

Taking away the trophies and accolades, Shane Hollander is simply incredible to watch on the ice. Dedicated fans will remember the Metros-Drillers game earlier this season, in which over half of the Metros’ starting line up was out on injury reserve. Despite playing with a squad composed of call-ups who had only been on the ice with him for a practice or two at most, Hollander managed a hat trick, scoring the Metros’ only goals in that game.

On the ice, Shane Hollander is a miracle in the making. Off the ice, he’s the face of multiple high profile brands, including Rolex, Valencio Pocaterra, Reebok, City Seltzer, and CCM. He’s a notable philanthropist, often found leading the charge on the Metros’ charitable endeavors local to Montreal. He’s considered the hottest current MLH player, according to Cosmopolitan magazine. 

Above all else, the word that comes up when describing Shane Hollander is disciplined. Inside sources describe Hollander during the season:

– “I mean, yeah, he’s always early to practice and the last one out of the locker room at the end of the day. I don’t think he’s missed one in his entire career.”

– “After games, when the guys are getting ready to go out, he’ll give them a slap on the back, but he’s already reviewing tape as he heads home for the night.”

– “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without a hockey book, whether it’s a player’s biography, team histories, or something. It’s crazy. He can tell you the Stanley Cup winner from any year, the captain, the coach, and who scored the winning goal. His level of hockey knowledge is off the charts.”

What does he do behind the scenes? How did he become the Shane Hollander we know and love?

Tune in to ESPN’s 30 for 30 documentary episode, Celebrity Crush, in which Shane Hollander goes all in on how he became the man he is today.

The joke follows him around endlessly. 

A rookie defenseman from San Francisco says it, blushing slightly as he’s chirped but justifying it with Shane’s shots on goal stats from their most recent game.

A vet out of Tampa calls him his celebrity crush, if only because he can’t say his wife as an answer.

A backup goalie in Toronto calls him ‘hockey Superman, or maybe the Flash’. 

The fact that Pat and Mitty agree when they’re asked about it sends the Metros into hysterics.

But when he lifts the Cup a second time, and the Metros riot around him, yelling “CRUSH! CRUSH! CRUSH!” he decides to just let it be.

They can joke about it. He’s already proved himself.

Chapter End Notes

I hope you like it! Feel free to tell me what you think. Shane's POV ended up getting a little longer than I expected, so I'm splitting it into two chapters.

Quick Notes:

- This chapter does repeat some things from Ilya's POV.
- The Calvin Klein ad gets a truly egregious amount of hornyposting. Shane is oblivious to the fact that Hayden has threatened the entire room out of making Shane's nickname about his dick size (read: large).
- The Metros-Drillers reference is a callback to quick, he needs more hockey! by SafelyCapricious.
- I decided to make the yoga documentary a 30 for 30 episode about Shane.
- The ESPN journalist is entirely my own creation, but he's popped up in my HR fics before. See if you can spot him. :)

Chapter 3: Shane II

Chapter Summary

Shane has said Rose Landry is his celebrity crush ever since they started asking him back in 2013.

Chapter Notes

2016-2017

Shane goes to Rozanov’s house.

At first it’s normal. Shane is basking in the endorphin rush when Rozanov asks him to stay, to keep going, to not let this just be one of a series of their secret trysts.

Against his better judgement, he says yes. He falls asleep and wakes up next to Rozanov, watches as he makes tuna melts out of carefully prepared containers of food that won’t break Shane’s (meticulous, fastidious, picky, picky, picky) diet, and sits on the couch with him, the two of them just talking as he turns on a game.

Shane’s skin starts to crawl.

(Too much, too fast, too new)

Then Rozanov asks about girls. Talks about his regular hookup. It’s a stark reminder that whatever this is, it’s only one of many for him. That he doesn’t like him as a person.

(Not like Shane. Not like Shane, who doesn’t pull during the season, who doesn’t go out, who doesn’t have a new girl on his arm day after day, who doesn’t have an answer when his teammates ask what he likes in a girl. Not like Shane, who’s never felt anything like this before, not for anyone.)

“Shane,” breathed out when Rozanov Ilya reaches the brink, drawn out involuntarily, as though he can’t help it at all.

“Ilya,” he chokes out.

He can’t go on like this.

When Rozanov Ilya leans forward to kiss Shane, he meets nothing as Shane leans away, getting up hastily.

“I can’t–I can’t do this.”

He can’t let this wanting consume him.

“Hollander,” Rozanov Ilya says as he gets up, tearing himself away. “Hollander.” As if they could ever come back from this.

He cries when he gets back to the hotel room, silently into his pillow while Hayden is in the bathroom.

The next morning, he gets the fuck up to play hockey.

Shane has said Rose Landry is his celebrity crush ever since they started asking him back in 2013.

It makes sense; she had her breakout role that year and he’s seen most of her work while on the plane.

She’s known for being quirky and a little feisty, unafraid to be real about her job and herself.

And of course, she’s hot. Anyone could see that.

So when he meets her eyes in Le Tambour, there’s a nervousness in his stomach. An anticipation. A fluttering.

That goes away in a matter of minutes.

Rose is sweet. Rose is funny. Rose is cool.

Best of all? Rose knows hockey.

“I have to admit,” she says, “You’re sort of my celebrity crush.” She shrugs. “Betraying my hometown a little bit but—“ she gestures a bit at him. “Shane Fucking Hollander.”

“Well you’re my celebrity crush, so funny how that worked out.” There’s a feeling behind his navel that he suppresses. “Rose Fucking Landry.”

She laughs, and puts her hand over his. It feels comfortable. It feels right.

Talking to her is easy—she quizzes him on hockey trivia and gasps when he gets every one. They talk about movies, and bitchy co-stars, and it flows like a real conversation. She laughs like she actually finds him funny and not just sort of weird and boring.

At the end of the night, she puts her number in his phone, squeezes his hand, and whispers in his ear before kissing his cheek, “Let’s do dinner sometime.”

Deuxmoi @deuxmoi

Your Celebrity Crush’s Celebrity Crush? Rose Landry and Shane Hollander seen getting cozy at Toqué!

[Image: Rose Landry shielding her eyes from the flash of a camera as Shane Hollander holds her hand, turned away from the camera as he leads her out from a group of paparazzi, his other hand clearing the crowd in front of them.]

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

Miss Landry how does it feel to be living my dream

 

🌹@shallicomparethee

Your dream? Some hockey player just pulled THE Rose Landry.

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

girl can you not read. are you blind.

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

that’s not just some hockey player

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

that’s shane hollander. captain of the montreal metros. olympic gold medalist. 

 

🌹@shallicomparethee

so?? still not comparable to my queen Rose Landry

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

my b I forgot to mention these

[Image: Shane Hollander’s Rolex ad, in which he is wearing a tuxedo and the eponymous watch]

[Image: Shane Hollander’s Valencio Pocaterra fragrance commercial, in which he wears an unbuttoned shirt and stares soulfully into the camera]

[Image: Shane Hollander’s Calvin Klein campaign, in which he is sprawled out in front of the camera, left hand teasing at the waistband of his CK briefs]

 

🌹@shallicomparethee

THE ROLEX GUY????? CK DUDE???

 

🌹@shallicomparethee

miss Landry i am so sorry i fully did not recognize your man

 

🌹@shallicomparethee

i thought he was a full time model. He’s a hockey player??? I thought they were all ugly???

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

no shane’s a very special boy

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

we’re blessed here in montreal. he’s literally the best hockey player in the game rn. 

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

and he’s handsome as fuck

 

hollandry stan! @aroseofmine

ughhh they literally have such insane chemistry

Shane likes being with Rose. He likes it when she holds his hand, when she sits on his lap, when she kisses him.

(but it’s not him) 

They have to steal time together in snatches, in between his games and her shoot schedule.

(you’ve done this before, stealing time.)

They only really start going further a few weeks in, when she has a weekend free and he has a break between games. They go out and come back late and she sits on his lap on the couch, grinding as they make out.

He gets her off with his fingers as they kiss, but when she goes to return the favor, nothing happens.

(you’re broken. he’s ruined you for anyone else.)

“Sorry,” he says breathlessly. “I think—I don’t usually drink—this never happens—”

“Babe,” she cuts him off with a kiss. “It’s okay. It happens. We can try again some other time.” She pouts a little bit before smiling again. “You’ve got great hands, though.”

“Thanks?”

She laughs and stands up off of his lap. “Come on. Let’s get some sleep. I’ve got early morning reshoots and I know you have practice.”

He still feels that traitorous rise as he showers that night, thinking of broad shoulders and golden curls. Rose doesn’t comment on how red his eyes are when he gets into bed.

The game against Boston is shit. 

Rozanov doesn’t make eye contact at any of the face-offs. He checks Shane into the boards harshly but perfunctorily, skating away with the puck when he’s stolen it.

Montreal wins 1-0, and it still feels like losing.

Boston Raiders @bostonraiders

Our Captain’s post-game interview!

[Video: Ilya Rozanov Interview after recent loss to Montreal Metros]

Gracie! @hollanova

is it bad that i’m kind of sad the crush bit is over

 

Gracie! @hollanova

like i thought it was just a thing he did but i guess not

 

Gracie! @hollanova

and noah fence but notorious manwhore ilya rozanov is not the guy i thought would be respecting other people’s relationships

 

Gracie! @hollanova

i’m starting a rumor

He goes out that night because Rose texts him to ask, because he hasn’t seen her in a week, because his teammates are all excited when he says yes.

“Wow, Capitaine, this girl really has you going out? You’ve got to lock her down!”

(because he needs to get out of his head.)

The club is…fine.

Well actually, it’s not fine. Ciel is loud in a way that he hates, not open and roaring like the rink but closed in and filling every inch of empty space. He feels underdressed, looking at Rose in her pretty dress and her friend Miles in his chic outfit. He sips at a Moscow Mule, not really tasting it but needing something to do with his hands.

Rose tugs him up to dance, and he feels clumsy and ungainly between her and Miles, even as she wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down.

He can’t breathe.

“Bathroom,” He manages to stutter out as he slips from between them, moving across the dance floor, pretending he has a purpose in mind.

He looks up, and there is Rozanov, glaring across the dance floor. He has a girl’s ear in his mouth, his hands on her waist as she writhes.

(He moved on. Why can’t you?)

He sends Rose a hasty text.

He walks out to his car.

He drives.

He drives.

He pulls over.

The tears that have started to cloud his vision get crushed into his hands as he rocks in the driver’s seat.

(Why can’t you make this work? Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t this be enough?)

His phone pings.

Shane slides into his seat at the table for dinner that night with a sense of trepidation that has no source.

“You're so cute. Have I told you how cute you are?” Rose smiles that little secretive smile that she does, the one that he can never quite parse.

“No. I mean, maybe.”

“Well, you are. Miles is extremely jealous.”

“Of me?” He should have noticed that. He should have been paying attention to his girlfriend, not–-

“No, of me.”

“Oh! Oh.”

“Did you not notice that Miles is gay?” 

“I guess I hadn't really thought about it, so–”

“Well, he is. And he's low-key in love with you.” The knowing look is back.

“Oh.” Why would anyone want to be in love with Shane. Rose has a reason, at least. They’re dating.

“Does it surprise you that Miles is gay?”

Yes. “No. I mean, of course not, no.”

“Well, a lot of actors are. They're just not all out.” She pauses. “Are there any, like, gay hockey players? I mean, yes. Obviously, there are, but are there any openly gay players?”

Fuck. “Yeah, uh, no. I mean, yeah, there are probably gay players or whatever, but none that have said it publicly.”

She makes a little noise.

Oh god. “What?”

“Sorry, I don't think I'm going about this the right way.”

The trepidation is back. “Going about what?”

She extends her hand across the table and he grasps it. “I really like you, Shane.”

The words rush out. “I like you too.”

She squeezes his hand in hers. “But I have a feeling that maybe I'm not doing it for you?”

“Yes, you are. You are–”

“I know you like talking to me.” She’s looking at him and he can’t meet her eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Do you like kissing me?”

Does he?

Of course he likes it. It’s great. It’s just not—

(It’s not him.)

“Sure.” Fuck. Not what he should have said.

She huffs a laugh that sounds more like a scoff. “Wow.”

“No. No, no, of course I do. Sorry.” He can feel his eyes starting to well up.

She leans forward. “No, hey, don't apologize. I just—I have a feeling. And—and maybe I'm completely off base here, but I don't know, I feel like—maybe you'd rather be kissing—Miles?”

(It’s done. It’s over. You’ll never be normal again.)

Shane holds himself still, trying not to let it show on his face.

“Babe,” Rose’s smile has faded, and there’s something else, maybe a pity. “It really is okay.”

“It’s not,” he chokes out. “I really do—I really do like you. I like talking with you, I like being with you, all of it. I know the sex—I was just drunk, I know it’s a problem but I’m working—”

She cuts him off. “It’s not a problem, Shane. A problem is something you can fix. We’re just—we’re more like a square peg in a round hole.”

He wrinkles his nose. “Ew.”

“Fuck. Sorry. Forget I said that. But—Shane?” She searches his face, making true eye contact for the first time since this conversation has started. “I know what it feels like to be attracted to women. I don’t think you are.”

What.

(She knows. She knows. She knows how it feels.)

His heart feels like it stops for a second before starting again.

She continues, “And much as you are incredibly hot, and sweet, and funny, I think we’re—we’re just not meant to fit. And that’s fine. It’s really fine. I just don’t think that continuing to try would be good for either of us.”

He has to take a deep breath. “I get it, I–I just—I think,”

“Shane.” Her voice goes steely for a second. “You don’t owe me an explanation. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.”

“I feel like I kind of do.”

“You really don't. If you do then I do, and I don’t think either of us are ready for that right now.”

They sit in silence for a few seconds.

She lets go of his hand. “I know this has been a lot, but can I ask if you've ever been with another guy?”

He nods, just slightly.

“Have you ever told anyone that before?”

He shakes his head.

“Was it different with a guy?”

He has to let out a startled little laugh. “Of course.”

She cocks her head to the side. “Was it better?”

“Yeah, it was—it was better.” He breathes again, shakily. “The thing is, I kind of prefer being the hole rather than the peg.”

The tension that has been sitting over them breaks as Rose crows, “Wow! That is the best thing any gay boyfriend of mine has ever told me.”

The relief that’s pouring down his spine is almost making him lightheaded. “Oh, you've had other—”

“Theater school, hon. Like, 70% of my boyfriends have left me for other guys.”

“70%?”

“Actually, 80% now.” She gestures at him a little. “It’s just a little flaw of mine; I meet a hot guy, he’s super sweet and not gross with me and what do you know, another one for the roster.”

“Wow.” He almost wants to laugh.

“You really should follow Miles back on Instagram.”

“No,” he blurts out. “I mean, not "no," but I just need to sort some things out first.”

“Of course.” She gives him a little tap with her foot under the table. “And I was kidding about Miles, but he totally would love to hear from you. Like, in a heartbeat.”

Fuck. Miles. “You haven't said anything to him, have you?”

“Babe. Of course not. And I never will.” 

He nods, and she smiles, and he smiles back.

“Let's be friends, Shane.”

“Yeah.”

She shakes her head. “No, seriously. Not some bullshit, "Let's stay friends," thing. Let's be real friends. Like, best friends.”

He laughs a little. “Okay.”

“I really like you, Shane. You're secretly one of the funniest guys I know.”

“I don’t think you have to keep that secret.”

“Oh, I will tell everyone. Shane Hollander is a comedian, but only for the people he really likes.” She goes quiet for a minute. He sits in the silence, but it doesn’t feel heavy. “I have a feeling that there's not a lot of people you can talk to. I mean about all the other things—and stuff.”

“Things and stuff can be tricky for me.”

“Text me whenever, OK? I mean it, because I will be texting you all the time.”

“I promise.”

“You will wish you never met me.”

“That’s impossible.”

The rest of dinner goes like most of their dates have gone, with good conversation and good food.

The lack of weight in his chest is the real difference. 

When they stand up to leave, she kisses him on the cheek and says, “Really though, text me. I have a lot that I would love to tell you.”

Chapter End Notes

I hope you liked it! Feel free to tell me what you think!

Quick Notes:

- I thought I'd be able to finish Shane's POV this chapter. Then Rose Landry overtook me.
- The restaurant scene is partially pulled from episode 5 and partially my own adaptation.
- There's a lot in this chapter that's glossed over in Ilya's POV because he's just not seeing it happening. I might have to come back for a second pass at Ilya's POV.

Chapter 4: Shane III

Chapter Summary

Shane is made painfully aware that his boyfriend is hot, every single day. There’s evidence of it everywhere, from his rare but impactful brand deals to the magazine shoots to the Twitter accounts devoted to his paparazzi photos.

Chapter Notes

2017

Confidence is key.

Shane walks up to the hotel bar with resolve in his heart and a skip in his step.

Ilya is sitting alone, a beer in his hand as he stares off into nothingness. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and still looks hot, impossibly.

When Shane says, “I’m feeling a bit wild,” he feels it down to his bones. The words flood out of him as he just talks, telling Ilya about not wanting to feel managed and hiring a stylist and wanting to be on the same team for once.

It feels like he isn’t trying at all, not by the pool or on the beach or even on the ice. Everything feels lighter than it ever has. 

Even as he says, “I think I’m gay,” for the very first time. 

He holds Ilya in his lap as he weeps, and thinks If not for the world, we could have this.

Shane listens to Ilya speak in Russian, the words fluid where his English is measured. It’s not the first time he’s wished to know Russian.

He smiles at Ilya as they face off, grin bright at the thought of what they will do later.

He tears off once the puck is back in his hands, going fast (so fast, too fast) enough that he doesn’t catch Marleau coming in shoulder first until it’s too late.

“Tell him I’m okay,” he begs through the haze. “Tell him I’m okay.”

He doesn’t really remember the hospital all that well. 

Recovery is as quick as he can make it, when he can’t play and Montreal goes out in Round 1 of the playoffs without him.

He watches Ilya play with bruised ribs as Boston falls to the inevitable march of the New York Admirals.

But as Scott Hunter pulls a man onto the ice and kisses him with the Stanley Cup in the background, there is a gnawing feeling of hope in his heart.

His phone starts to ring.

Showing Ilya the cottage is one of the happiest moments of his life, bar none. Everything he loves most about his life, all in one place.

The days pass in bliss until he looks over his shoulder to see his dad’s shocked face through the window, watches him flee out to his car and drive down the road towards his parents’ cottage.

This is a nightmare.

Shane can’t be awake right now.

This is an actual living nightmare.

And then Ilya holds him, the pressure and weight of him grounding as he says, “Well maybe is time to wake up, yes?”

That evening, as they prepare to host his parents for dinner, Shane says, “I’m sorry the day got ruined.”

“Shane,” Ilya says, putting the plates he’s been carrying to the table down. He comes over to Shane, standing at the grill, and drapes himself over his back. “This is the best day of my life. Nothing was ruined.”

“But—“

“моя любовь, I spent today at your side, had good sex, ate good food, and met your family. They love you so much. I did not think it possible for us to be together for so long, and here we have plans for the rest of our life. You told me you love me and I am your boyfriend. I do not think I could be happier.”

“Oh,” Shane says, a little stunned.

Ilya gives him a quick kiss on the mouth before going back inside to carry the rest of the food out.

2018-2020

Shane is made painfully aware that his boyfriend is hot, every single day. There’s evidence of it everywhere, from his rare but impactful brand deals to the magazine shoots to the Twitter accounts devoted to his paparazzi photos.

There’s an old Reddit thread of girls rating their encounters with hockey players and as far as Shane knows, Ilya’s never gotten below an 8.5.

It’s like, a thing, that if you play Fuck Marry Kill and Ilya is an option, you always fuck him. Shane tries to stay off Twitter, but it comes up often enough that he’s seen it in passing.

But they don’t get to see Ilya in the early morning, the sunshine making him glow as he sleeps, warm and all encompassing. The weight of him, pressing down on Shane, keeping him tethered to his body.

They don’t see him making faces as he tries Shane’s smoothies and complains every single time like clockwork.

They don’t see him ranting at the television, or standing over the stove, or lounging on the couch, or vacuuming the floors, or folding his clothes right next to Shane. 

They don’t see him cooing at Anya. They don’t see him playing with Hayden’s kids, letting Ruby and Jade paint his nails as they discuss princesses, asking Arthur about dinosaurs and telling Shane to check his facts, tossing Amber into the air as she giggles. They don’t see him speak softly over the phone in Russian in the middle of the night when his niece Katya calls, needing comfort from her dyadya.

They don’t get to see Ilya in his softest moments.

And Shane is okay with that. It’s nice to keep this, to have it to himself, to remember when his bed in Montreal is cold without Ilya beside him.

But God, sometimes he wishes he could show it off.

Just to say to Hayden and Jackie and J.J., to his parents, to everyone who has asked Why Ilya? that it’s not about the sex.

Or it’s not just about the sex.

Okay, it’s a little bit about the sex, because it’s so much of what their relationship is built on.

But it’s not what turned Hollander and Rozanov into Shane and Ilya, and it’s not what turned Shane and Ilya into ShaneandIlya. It’s not what made Shane look at Ilya and think, I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

He wishes that he could just say, “I’m going to see my boyfriend,” when he dips out of going to the club in favor of driving to Ottawa. 

His teammates don’t believe him when he says he’s not looking for a girl, not looking to settle down, just trying to play hockey. Hayden says it’s obvious that he has something going on.

But there is that painful hesitance there, every time one of them says cocksucker or fairy or faggot. When he can tell one of the younger guys looks at him in the shower and his eyes bug out as he has to choke back an ill-thought out attempt at calling Shane tiny. The rookie gets chirped for it, sure, but J.J. slaps Shane on the back when the gossip reaches him, acting like he’s teasing but really checking in.

The newer guys think it’s strange that the Captain doesn’t have a WAG, that Jackie runs the wine nights and the family room with the honed efficiency of a mother of four, but Shane still goes home early, doesn’t go out, doesn’t come drink or pick up with the guys. 

He’s on the wrong side of 25 but still is faster and stronger than them and it still somehow doesn’t compute that he does all of it for a reason. 

There is part of him that is only #24 Shane Hollander in front of the team, that has ceased to be Shane. He's the captain and the star center before he is a person.

He can’t tell if it gets worse or better as he raises the Cup a third time. 

Question of the Week with the Ottawa Centaurs! ~ @ottawacentaurs

[The shot opens on the busy Ottawa Centaurs locker room after a practice.]

HARRIS DROVER (OFF-CAMERA): Hey everyone! We’re back with the Centaurs for Question of the Week, and today’s question is: Who is your celebrity crush? Pointy, you’re up first!

JACOB LAPOINTE: Dang, you’re putting me on the spot, man! Uhhhh, Rose Landry?

[Shouts of agreement are heard, but there is a boo that sticks out from the crowd, coming from the back of the room.]

HD (O-C): Great! Young, you’re up next!

CORY YOUNG: Hmmm what are we calling celebrity? Like just actresses, or like what’s the range?

JL: Dude this should not be that hard.

CONNOR HOLMBERG: I’ve got mine! Camille LaPointe!

JL: Oh f— you Bergy! 

[Admin note: Camille LaPointe is a model currently working in Montreal. She is also Jacob LaPointe’s older sister, and Connor Holmberg’s girlfriend.]

[LaPointe and Holmberg begin to tussle as the camera moves off of them and back to Young.]

CY: I don’t know man, that’s tough. I might go default and say Shane Hollander. That hat trick against Detroit was gorgeous.

LUCA HAAS: Is it the default if you had a poster—

CY: HAASY!

[Young frantically slaps a hand over Haas’ mouth, muffling his continued speech. The locker room collectively laugh as Haas licks Young’s hand.]

CY: Ewwww dude!

LH: You put your hand there.

HD (O-C): Okay boys, calm down for a minute. Young, we’ll take Hollander as an answer. Haasy, how about you?

[Haas goes quiet, with a thoughtful expression on his face. He starts to blush, inexplicably.]

LH: (quietly) Shane Hollander.

CY: What was that?

LH: (louder) Shane Hollander!

CY: Bro you cannot make fun of me if you’re going to go around and pick him too. That’s unfair.

CH: Well we all know his real answer.

LH: Bergy! Shut–

[The shot abruptly switches to a technical difficulties screen, before opening again on the middle of the locker room, this time focused on Zane Boodram and Evan Dykstra.]

HD (O-C): Okay! Now that the rookies are in the corner, let’s hear from you guys! Who are your celebrity crushes?

ZANE BOODRAM: Megan Thee Stallion.

EVAN DYKSTRA: Damn. Solid pick, dude. Does Cassie know?

ZB: Cass introduced me to her wonderful works. Not that you need to know how.

[A chorus of oohs echoes through the locker room. Boodram laughs as he continues to take off his practice gear.]

ED: Alright then. Um. S—. I was hoping Bood would take longer so I could think of someone.

HD (O-C): We can come back to you, if you need a minute.

ED: Yeah, come back to me. Hold on. HAZY!

WYATT HAYES: (echoing from the showers) WHAT?

ED: WHO’S YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH?

WH: MICHELLE PFEIFFER AS CATWOMAN!

[Hayes walks out from the showers with a towel around his waist.]

WH: Lisa and I did Batman Returns for Halloween a couple of years ago. It was…great.

HD (O-C): Well, we got Wyatt’s. Evan?

ED: S—. I still haven’t thought of one. Come back to me.

[The shot switches to show Nick Chouinard, Ryan Boyle, and Tanner Dillon.]

HD (O-C): Who are you guys’ celebrity crushes?

NICK CHOUINARD: You wouldn’t let me say Selena [Chouinard], so I guess I’ll say Rachel McAdams.

RYAN BOYLE: Rachel McAdams?

NC: What? Selena and I rewatched The Notebook last week.

RB: (dubious) I guess.

NC: Who’s your pick, then, if you’re so judgy about Rachel?

RB: My wife, Amanda. Love you sweetie.

NC: Oh f— off Boyle. Harris literally just said I couldn’t say Selena. You don’t get to cop out.

RB: Fine! I’ll default. Shane Hollander.

NC: (extremely judgemental pause)

RB: What? I didn’t say Amanda again!

NC: (begrudgingly) Fine.

TANNER DILLON: I’ll say, um, Tessa Virtue.

ED: I thought of one! Kacey Musgraves! Cait loves her music.

[Ilya Rozanov walks into the shot with an arm slung over Troy Barrett’s shoulder]

ILYA ROZANOV: What are we talking about?

TD: Celebrity crushes for Question of the Week.

IR: Easy. Shane Hollander. Second best hockey player even with weak backhand.

TROY BARRETT: (eyes flicking rapidly behind the camera) Yeah. Shane Hollander.

HD (O-C): Wow! A lot of Shane Hollander fans today.

TB: He is the celebrity crush.

HD (O-C): I suppose so. That’s all for Question of the Week with the Ottawa Centaurs! 

haley @ottawins

now tell me why the cens are out here doing all that

Max @centauries

it’s either shane hollander fanboy or wife guy and no in between

 

Gracie @hollanova

the bit is back! my beloved!

 

Gracie @hollanova

honestly though if this is the kind of locker room culture the cens are fostering i’m a fan

 

Gracie @hollanova

those guys are happy with their partners and not afraid to have a little fun with it

 

lana @rozysgirl

psst @shanehollander24 come to ottawa

hometown hero

the whole team loves you already

get that all stars 2017 chemistry with rozanov back

 

kat @bbqmebood

ok excellent taste from these guys but did i miss the memo that the cens were the wife guys team now?

 

haley @ottawins

nah this is just how they are i think

 

haley @ottawins

the cens have had revolving door issues since the early 2010s. rookies leaving after elcs, guys retiring, ltirs, guys dropping to ahl etc.

 

haley @ottawins

the guys who stick around in ottawa tend to be pretty chill. easy to have a family there. less scandals. no big star power issues.

 

haley @ottawins

hard to go around cheating when you don’t have a ton of places to go.

 

haley @ottawins

bood is a huge part of that too—they get together as a team at his pretty often ever since he took the C in 2015.

 

haley @ottawins

he was really holding the team together as a guy fresh out of the draft

 

lana @rozysgirl

honestly i wasn’t expecting roz to be a good culture fit but he seems to be doing pretty well

 

lana @rozysgirl

he’s a morale booster for sure. in three years under his C they went from bottom of the league to making the playoffs.

jane @janedoe1410

They’re all shouting out Shane Hollander but the guy who should be the celebrity crush there is Ilya Rozanov

jane @janedoe1410

Firstly, he’s a beautiful man. 

[Image: Ilya Rozanov accepting his Hart trophy at the 2014 NHL Awards.]

[Image: Ilya Rozanov shirtless in a post-game interview.]

[Image: Ilya Rozanov driving an orange Porsche 718 Spyder, wearing sunglasses.]

 

jane @janedoe1410

Secondly, he’s an incredible hockey player. The fact that he’s been putting up consistent numbers since his draft year is a marvel.

 

jane @janedoe1410

Thirdly, he’s a fantastic captain. Since he moved to Ottawa, he’s made some pretty clear changes to how their system works.

 

jane @janedoe1410

Speaking as an Ottawa native, we’ve had some truly questionable decisions made in terms of both the management and coaching staff.

 

jane @janedoe1410

I give kudos to the guys who have stuck around: Boodram, Dykstra, Chouinard, and Boyle have been the backbone to a true revolving door.

 

jane @janedoe1410

In 2018, the Centaurs signed Ilya Rozanov in free agency, and took Luca Haas as the second pick in the draft.

 

jane @janedoe1410

They traded an early round draft pick for Wyatt Hayes in December of that year.

 

jane @janedoe1410

Mind you, the situation in 2018 was awful. Smith was still coaching and they had no depth at center or in goal.

 

jane @janedoe1410

That year, they didn’t make playoffs. But they landed 5th in the Atlantic Division, with Rozanov putting up a majority of their points.

 

jane @janedoe1410

In 2019, they picked up Holmberg, Young, and LaPointe, which filled their need for forwards.

 

jane @janedoe1410

At that point, you start to see new offensive schemes. Better line changes. More aggressive play, reminiscent of the 2012-2013 Raiders.

 

jane @janedoe1410

That’s all Rozanov’s influence. They barely missed the Wild Card spot that year, landing 4th in the Atlantic.

 

jane @janedoe1410

In 2020, they selected Brandon Wiebe as their new head coach, hoping for a fresher approach.

 

jane @janedoe1410

Despite the early losing streak and controversy around Troy Barrett’s trade, the Centaurs came into the top three in the Atlantic Division.

 

jane @janedoe1410

You can see the hallmarks of Rozanov’s captaincy. The Cens are unafraid to protect each other. They read the bodies over the puck.

 

jane @janedoe1410

They don’t solely rely on him to score, but focus on creating opportunities across the board, so when he does, it comes from nowhere.

 

jane @janedoe1410

Exactly like the Raiders did from 2013-2017. Making Rozanov an unpredictable threat is how they won the Cup in 2014.

 

jane @janedoe1410

Luca Haas came in heralded as the next Shane Hollander. Under Rozanov’s mentorship, he’s turned into something entirely new.

 

jane @janedoe1410

They’ve turned into a team to beat, instead of a team that is beaten.

 

jane @janedoe1410

In conclusion, Ilya Rozanov really should be the MLH's celebrity crush. He's pulled off far more miracles than Shane Hollander.

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

jane my love

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

thank you

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

this is beautiful

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

shane hollander still hotter though

[Image: Shane Hollander for Calvin Klein]

The whole celebrity crush thing has stopped bothering Shane on the whole, even if he doesn’t really get it.

No matter how many times Ilya tries to explain it, it still ends up coming off as a joke, at least a little bit.

He’s learned to live with it. 

It doesn’t matter if people want him for his body or for hockey.

At the end of the day, he only needs one person to want him. To love and adore him, to come home to him.

Shane wakes up in the morning to see Ilya's sleepy smile, and he doesn't need anything else.

Chapter End Notes

We're at the end! I hope you liked it! Feel free to tell me what you think. I had a ton of fun writing this. Keep an eye on the series for any other HR fics.

Quick Notes:

- I was going to do some feral hornyposting about Shane post-Fanmail but I think this ended up being more true to Shane's read on the situation.
- Shoutout to can i ask you a question (centaurs on centaurs) by writinginasnowglobe. The Cens' vibe in this was partially inspired by it. You should read it.
- I'm rewriting history a little bit for how the Cens did from 2018-2020.

Chapter 5: bonus: #hot4hollander

Chapter Summary

A selection of viral moments revolving around Shane Hollander as the MLH's celebrity crush.

Chapter Notes

The (In)famous Calvin Klein Campaign:

calvinklein @CalvinKlein

Shane Hollander shows off the new summer tank and low slung denim.

[Image: Shane Hollander, wearing a white tank top over blue jean shorts with the logo on his white Calvin Klein boxer briefs peeking over the top. The tank stretches over his broad shoulders and chest, and shows a tantalizing stripe of freckled and tanned stomach. The shorts cling to his thighs as if painted on.]

lily @lilybestbackhand

he is so pretty

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

the freckles on his tummy so cute

 

in my hands @shanehollandertits

what do we think—B cup? his nips are obscene

calvinklein @CalvinKlein

on set with Shane Hollander for the summer campaign

[Image: Shane Hollander, shirtless, wearing a pair of black Calvin Klein boxer briefs as he tugs a pair of dark slim-fit jeans up over his thighs. The photo captures him in motion, jumping slightly to get the denim on his body.]

[Video: Shane Hollander jumping to put his jeans on. The camera gets him from the side, capturing movement in the front and the back. He then has to sit down, lay back, and adjust his positioning to zip the jeans up.]

alana @beyhaveyourself

if you don’t jump to put jeans on, baby, you don’t feel my pain!

 

mark @shanehotllander

did yall see IT jumping when he put his jeans on

Shane Hollander? More like Shane HUNGllander

 

kayleigh @putitinmyverveins

i’m a lesbian but holy shit this man’s got a heavy burden to bear

 

calvinklein @CalvinKlein

“I do yoga in #myCalvins.” ~ Shane Hollander

[Image: A full body shot of Shane Hollander on a yoga mat, out in a grassy area, posed in a shoulder stand while wearing nothing but particularly snug gray Calvin Klein boxer briefs.]

[Image: A close-up of Shane Hollander’s torso in the shoulder stand, focusing on the rippling abs and flexed arms, the Calvin Klein logo on his underwear in the top of the frame. Drops of sweat glisten on his toned frame in the sunlight.]

[Image: Shane Hollander in the shoulder stand, this time focusing on the flexion of his back and thighs as he keeps himself upright.]

harry @itssodrover

i don’t care about #myCalvins but i am in fact #hot4hollander

 

leslie @shanehollanderglove

HNNNGGGHHH I Need To Lick The Sweat Off His Abs

 

fuck me shane hollander @phuckmeup

the YOGA????? that man lastin for hours. days. how much you want to bet he knows the kama sutra.

 

alice @shnhllndrfngrl

thighs that could crush a watermelon. or my head between them.

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

54

 

Shane Hollander Thirst @shanehollandersass

girl what is that supposed to mean

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

he has 54 freckles on his shoulders and 237 on his back

 

Shane Hollander Thirst @shanehollandersass

bbg what fucking quality do you have this shit on. how are you looking that close. what the fuck.

 

lily @lilybestbackhand

[Image: Shane Hollander doing yoga for Calvin Klein, pictured on a 90-inch OLED television.]

 

Shane Hollander Thirst @shanehollandersass

GIRL

 

Shane Hollander Thirst @shanehollandersass

i have to respect the hustle

calvinklein @CalvinKlein

Shane Hollander on film

[Image: a slightly grainy shot at a three quarter angle of Shane Hollander from the thighs up; he holds a hockey stick over his shoulders, arms flexing to keep it in place, wearing nothing but a black Calvin Klein jockstrap low on his hips.]

puck me UP @handtostick

FUCK you know that man can handle a stick

 

👀 @hot4hock

jesus christ it’s looking at me

 

mark @shanehotllander

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

 

shane hollander’s jockstrap @mtlgirliess

i bet you they wanted to do a shot with a puck and then realized there’s no way that’s happening

#suckonshane

Chase @habsmyhrt

game 6. we’re so close. we’re so fucking close.

Chase @habsmyhrt

it’s been so long since mtl had the cup

 

Chase @habsmyhrt

i will personally suck shane hollander’s dick if it means we get the cup

 

Chase @habsmyhrt

please god

 

Jack @metroswin

dude are you going to follow up on this

[Screenshot: Tweet by Chase @habsmyhrt: i will personally suck shane hollander’s dick if it means we get the cup]

 

Joey @Puckwizard456

hey i’m a straight man and i would do it

 

Brad Mercer @bradmercer

same

It’s Not Gay To Love Shane Hollander: A Compilation of MLH Players ~ @mlhcomps

[Video opens on a black screen with text reading: hiiii guys!!! The Mii Theme plays in the background.]

[Text switches: you guys loved my last comp so i have a new one for you!]

[Text switches: this is (almost) every time an mlh player has gone on the record saying they have a crush on shane hollander. lmk if I missed any!!]

[Text switches: Where It All Began. The background music changes to a very quiet In the Hall of the Mountain King.]

[The shot changes to show Ilya Rozanov exiting the showers in the Boston Raiders locker room with a towel over his shoulder and one around his waist.]

SOCIAL MEDIA ADMIN (OFF-CAMERA): Hey Captain Rozanov, who’s your celebrity crush?

[Rozanov stops and gets closer to the microphone the admin holds out.]

ILYA ROZANOV: Shane Hollander. He beat me for Art Ross last year, but I am already ahead in goals this season. I will crush him this year. His Corsi is better than mine, though. I will have to work on that.

SMA (O-C): …No, your celebrity crush, like someone you like and admire and would want to be with romantically. Not someone you want to beat. Someone out of your league.

IR: I like my way better though. Like crushing into boards. And there is no one out of my league.

[Rozanov pointedly winks, and the social media admin laughs in response.]

SMA (O-C): I guess we’ll leave it at that. Ilya Rozanov’s celebrity crush is Shane Hollander.

[A second clip begins, of Rozanov being cornered by a reporter.]

REPORTER 1: Mr. Rozanov, you mentioned recently that Shane Hollander was your celebrity crush. Could you elaborate on your statement?

IR: Is true. I crush him this year. Beat him to the Cup. Next question?

[A third clip initiates, this time showing Shane Hollander doing post-game media]

REPORTER 2: Mr. Hollander, Ilya Rozanov has gone on the record calling you his celebrity crush. What do you have to say to him?

SHANE HOLLANDER: Wasn’t he talking about trying to beat me on the ice?...Do you have any further questions about tonight’s game? I don’t need to discuss Rozanov until he catches up to me.

[The screen switches back to a black background with text reading: The Escalation. In the Hall of the Mountain King continues in the background, with the higher instruments beginning to come in.]

[Clip begins, showing Rozanov and Hollander on stage at the 2014 MLH Awards.]

IR: Can I get a selfie? It’s not every day that you’re on stage with your celebrity crush.

SH: No way.

[Another clip begins, showing post-game celebrations in the Montreal Metros’ locker room. The Stanley Cup is visible as Hayden Pike starts clambering up on a bench.]

HAYDEN PIKE: HEY A–HOLES! LISTEN UP!

[The room quiets, though the background music is still playing.]

HP: I have a celebrity crush. And you know who it is?

MIKHAIL ANDROPOV: Who?

HP: (pointing at Hollander) This f—ing guy right here. Captain Shane Motherf—ing Hollander, who just won us the F—ING STANLEY CUP off of that ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING GOAL.

[The Metros start cheering, nearly blowing out the mic as Pike jumps off the bench and J.J. Boiziau lifts Hollander off of the ground.]

J.J. BOIZIAU: Crisse, I will have to give my goddamn firstborn for that goal, Capitaine. Absolute legend!

SH: Thanks, J.J.

PATRICE DRAPEAU: Cap’s gotta drink out the Stanley Cup!

[Hollander sighs and stands up as the Metros dump beer into the Cup and start lifting it over his head.]

MONTREAL METROS: (chanting) CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

[Clips start flashing rapidly on the screen as In the Hall of the Mountain King gets louder and faster, approaching the conclusion of the piece]

SAN FRANCISCO DEFENSEMAN: My celebrity crush is Shane Hollander, because he’s incredible. He went 3 for 3 for shots on goal in the first period of our last game. That’s insane.

TAMPA VETERAN: I can’t say my wife, so I guess I’ll say Shane Hollander.

TORONTO GOALIE: He’s like hockey Superman. Maybe the Flash, with how fast he is.

IR: Celebrity Crush? Shane Hollander.

[Screen goes dark for a moment, with text reading: The Centaurs]

[Clips of the Ottawa Centaurs start flashing by rapidly]

CORY YOUNG: I don’t know man, that’s tough. I might go default and say Shane Hollander. That hat trick against Detroit was gorgeous.

LUCA HAAS: Is it the default if you had a poster—

LH: Shane Hollander.

CY: What was that?

LH: Shane Hollander!

NICK CHOUINARD: Who’s your pick, then, if you’re so judgy about Rachel?

RYAN BOYLE: My wife, Amanda. Love you sweetie.

NC: Oh f— off Boyle. Harris literally just said I couldn’t say Selena. You don’t get to cop out.

RB: Fine! I’ll default. Shane Hollander.

IR: What are we talking about?

TANNER DILLON: Celebrity crushes for Question of the Week.

IR: Easy. Shane Hollander. Second best hockey player even with weak backhand.

TROY BARRETT: Yeah. Shane Hollander.

HARRIS DROVER (OFF-CAMERA): Wow! A lot of Shane Hollander fans today.

TB: He is the celebrity crush.

[The final hit of In the Hall of the Mountain King is timed to coincide with a crispy clip of Ilya Rozanov.]

IR: (bass-boosted) Shane Hollander.

@shnhllndrfngrl

OP this is great

@metrosssss3457

Shane Hollander is the King! The King of Montreal!

@trontoquen

girl you missed when dallas kent was all like if he were a girl i’d go for him

↳@mlhcomps

Hi! I made the decision not to include that clip because of the ongoing investigation against Kent. While he did mention Hollander as a “celebrity crush”, his comments were generally unsavory, as well as racist and sexist. Kent refers to Hollander in a fetishistic manner. I did not think that would mesh well with the overall vibe of this compilation.

@hollanova

tell me why literally half of this comp is just rozanov

@cens4thewin

i know half of these comments are about the mlh gettin a lil fruity but why are the cens reading so straight

↳@hollanova

idk girl i think its the secure masculinity and wife guy energy

↳@hollanova

like the supposedly straight guys who say it get super defensive in a 💅 way (read: internalized homophobia)

↳@hollanova

but the cens are just fans

↳@rozysgirl

i get super gay energy off of rozanov though

↳@russianmonster

really? he’s like the straightest one. started the bit because he was trying to beat hollander in the rivalry

↳@rozysgirl

he’s a little too comfortable calling hollander pretty

↳@bostoni

nah he’s just european

↳@bostoni

he tells all the guys i love you when they get off the ice. slaps kisses on his wingers like nobody else. that’s just roz.

↳@rozysgirl

girl that doesn’t mean he can’t be gay

↳@bostoni

this should tell you if he’s gay or not

[Reddit Thread: Rozanov Hook-Ups: How Was It?]

↳@rozysgirl

touche

After the FanMail:

El @hollandme

this is so unfair

 

El @hollandme

men you are soooo lucky to have shane fucking hollander

 

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️

Not men. Just me.

 

jessie @ottaroz

@rozanov81 this is the greed they talk about in the bible

Joey @Puckwizard456

[Screenshot: Tweet by Chase @habsmyhrt: i will personally suck shane hollander’s dick if it means we get the cup]

soooo…who did it?

Chase @habsmyhrt

not brad

 

Joey @Puckwizard456

#fuckbrad

 

Chase @habsmyhrt

#fuckbrad

 

Jack @bostonboiz248

#fuckbrad

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

This suspension is unlawful and based on speculative grounds.

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

If we review Hollander and Rozanov’s performances against one another over the course of their careers,

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

There is no indication of collusion or a drop in performance. In fact, both players notably perform better against one another.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Both present almost equivalent numbers from year to year, with Hollander generally taking the lead in overall points,

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

While Rozanov takes the lead in goals. Hollander is 16% more likely to score in games played against Rozanov. 

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Rozanov is 17% more likely to score in games against Hollander. This increase correlates to more attempts on goal,

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

As well as more intricate play. Many of Hollander and Rozanov’s career highlights have come out of games played against one another.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

This analysis was performed prior to the reveal of Hollander and Rozanov’s relationship;

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

When I spoke about this on prior occasions, it was treated as an extension of their rivalry. Competitive spirit.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

These men show no evidence of having cheated or using insider information. They are both men of integrity and respect for the game.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Their friendship over the past few years is well documented. Their collaborations in philanthropy are notable.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Other players who have friendships and relationships with siblings/family of their peers have not faced the same scrutiny.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

Thus, it is my responsibility to direct the attention for this suspension to those who ordered it; the office of the MLH Commissioner.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

I believe this to be an act of homophobia on the part of Roger Crowell and the leadership of the MLH.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

There are grounds for legal action on the part of Hollander and Rozanov.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

To Shane and Ilya, I wish you both the best, and I am available should you need any further information.

~ Luke Henderson, ESPN Correspondent

 

Gracie @hollanova

goddamn dude.

 

Hockey Analyst @hockeyanalyst

It’s my job. 

 

Dave @davenpuck

bruh if hollander was really performing that much better in boston rozanov must have performance enhancing jizz or smth

Jack @bostonboiz248

rozanov was shooting all of boston’s hopes and dreams raw into hollander’s ass

 

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️

That is unsafe sex practices. We used condoms.

 

Shane Hollander @shanehollander24 ✔️

ILYA!

Chapter End Notes

I hope you like it! Feel free to tell me what you think!

End Notes (For Real This Time):

- I did end up coming back to do some feral hornyposting. This is firmly back in crack territory.
- Shoutout to all of the lovely commenters who asked for this bonus chapter/inspired some of the comments.
- Yes, I did quote the Savage remix.
- You should be able to click on the comments for the video to open them.
- @hockeyanalyst is outing himself here, in case you didn't catch his article in chapter 2.
- Thank you all for reading!

A bonus bit from my conversation with alastcrescendo:

Added to the final section of tweets:

haley @ottawins
wait

haley @ottawins
what about when roz came to ottawa

haley @ottawins
they went from bottom of the league to playoff contenders in three years

haley @ottawins
are we sure it’s not hollander that has the performance enhancing jizz?

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️
We did stop using condoms once we were exclusive…

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️
I prefer to call it sucking the soul out of Ottawa’s hometown hero.

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️
Very good for morale.

haley @ottawins
WHOSE MORALE!?!?!?!

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️
Mine. 😁

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️
It worked, yes? I have proof

Ilya Rozanov @rozanov81 ✔️
[Thread from jane @janedoe1410: They’re all shouting out Shane Hollander but the guy who should be the celebrity crush there is Ilya Rozanov]