Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov

Additional Tags:

Established Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Ilya Rozanov Needs A Hug, Panic Attacks, Overthinking, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Emotional Hurt, Depressed Ilya Rozanov, Suicidal Thoughts, Scars, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Mutual Masturbation, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Tender Sex, Aftercare, Not Canon Compliant, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, Bottom Shane Hollander, Frottage

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2025-12-26 Completed: 2026-02-04 Words: 40,342 Chapters: 4/4

Take me out the dark (take me home)

Summary

Ilya rounded the desk, and his heart didn’t stutter but simply stopped. For an endless second everything stilled around him. Shane had found them, his letters and his journals. And the world turned sideways slowly slipping away from Ilya’s grasp. Like someone had taken away the solid ground underneath his feet, leaving him falling indefinitely. His entire focus narrowed on the pages Shane was clasping in his hands and the shoe carton next to him.

He had always promised himself that one day he would show Shane, he would tell him about all of it. But he had never wanted it to happen like this. For Shane to just stumble across the pages that carried his darkest thoughts and simple truths of his life. Never wanted him to read those alone or ever. Because Ilya wasn’t sure he was strong enough to revisit all the open wounds he had spilled on those pages.

---

Or Shane and Ilya spend some time at the cottage between Christmas and New Year’s and unravel their past once and for all.

Notes

Hey there and happy Heated Rivalry day!! I can't fucking wait for the new episode.

But in the meantime I had the urge to explore Ilya's past experiences and emotions further and decided it was time for him to be vulnerable with Shane about pretty much everything. And what better place for that than the cottage. ;)

English is not my first language so please excuse any mistakes. :3

I will update this story probably some time next week. Well at least I plan on doing so. I might add tags or change warnings accordingly so please keep an eye on those.

And now consider this brick kissed and your hand held. Take care of yourself and I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1: every page that I wrote, you were on it

The clouds hung low over the lake and the snow let the world fall silent. The cottage was quiet and warm while outside everything appeared in the same boring shade of greyish white. Shane sat on the leather couch in the living room with the premise of reading the book Hayden had send him for Christmas. It was the perfect afternoon for that, Ilya was out for errands and the fireplace was crackling in the corner. The Christmas tree was lit making the cottage cozy and warm and he was bundled up in his favourite blanket on the couch.

But he kept getting distracted from nothing in particular. Shane caught himself staring outside instead of reading, he caught himself getting lost in his thoughts. Perhaps it wasn’t his fault, but the book just wasn’t that captivating as Hayden had made it out to be. He yawned and as he contemplated to take a nap on the couch his phone vibrated next to him.

Mom:
Shane, are you at the cottage? If yes, could you please check the office if I left the signed papers for your extended Rolex ambassadorship on the table.

Reluctantly Shane sighed. Usually, he came to the cottage to escape the hockey stress a little but with his parents so nearby that wasn’t all that possible.

Shane:
Sure, I’ll go check.

He and Ilya had carved themselves these few days between Christmas and New Years to spend some time alone and away from the hustle. Which sounds easier said than done with their contrasting schedules and different sponsorships. Shane emerged from his favourite spot on the couch and wandered through the cottage to the office. The least used room in the whole house but his mother had insisted on it when he had rebuilt it. And now she was the only person who even used it.

Shane didn't really have any use for it; he preferred to spend his time doing other things rather than dealing with his contracts and sponsors. Especially these few days of the year he was at the cottage. Thus, he couldn’t even remember when he had last stepped foot into it.

He opened the door and was met with huge windows overlooking the yard towards his parents house in the distance. In front of those windows stood a neatly kept desk with small stacks of paper. Shane sighed and rounded the table to get to work because he knew Yuna Hollander, if he didn’t search for it now, she would panic and come over herself.

He flipped through the stacks but nothing on those pages screamed Rolex sponsorship deal. Shane moved onto the second but was equally unsuccessful. He let his hand run through his hair as he scanned the room for where else his mother might store contracts. Quickly he looked through the drawers on the desk but didn’t find anything other than stationary. And he couldn’t help but question why on earth he or rather his mother needed that much.

He turned around towards the cupboard and opened the doors. Where rows of neat categorized and labelled folders greeted him, and he had to sneeze from the dust that had collected there. Shane wouldn’t go through all of those, his mother would never leave a new contract in one of those folders not when they looked like they hadn’t been touched in a couple of years. She was always very precise and structured, which Shane particularly appreciated about her.

He crouched down to where a few loose pages on a shoe carton caught his eye. He had never seen this before and it very clearly didn’t belong here. Not with the neat row of folders.

But before he could pick up the pages to investigate further his phone vibrated in the pocket of his sweatpants.

Mom:
No need to worry. I found it.

His mother informed him, and he just reacted with a thumbs up before he pocketed his phone again. Too intrigued by the pages in front of him to formulate a longer response.

The paper was heavy like the pages had been torn out of some good quality notebook. The handwriting was neat and in cursive and Shane’s heart dropped. Because there was only one person who this could belong to, only one person he knew who had both a neat handwriting and access to his office. He sat down on the floor and began reading, going against everything his mind was telling him was right.

Shane was staring at the words in front of him, he could feel tears burn in the corners of his eyes. His heart was heavy and pounding against his chest. And he felt like a crushing weight was pressing down on his chest making it hard to breathe.

Very carefully with the pages in hand he shifted his position, he leaned back against the cupboard. And just for a moment he rested his head against the cool surface, to let Ilya’s feelings linger in his chest. Shane pulled his knees up against his chest and slung his arms around them in an attempt to hold himself together. In an attempt to alleviate the pressure that was building in his throat and the burning behind his eyes.

Shane took another look at the pages in his hand and choked up at the thought of Ilya writing this back then in Russia. At the thought of Ilya being all alone in his childhood home after he had lost his father. Shane could see the traces of dried tears on the pages, and he let his hand wander across the page. Where the ink had run, and Ilya’s handwriting wasn’t as clean anymore.
The first tear slipped from his own lashes and rolled down his face until it met his hoodie. And as if with that the dam was broken more tears began to spill. At first silent, Shane just stared ahead letting his vison grow blurry and letting himself just feel what Ilya had brought to paper. Letting himself feel the anger, the confusion, the pain and the suffocating loneliness.

And Shane felt it all, felt the heaviness in his chest, the closing of his throat as a sob wanted to escape. Shane felt it all so deeply and he felt sorry for Ilya for having to go through all this alone. For having to carry so much.

Tears fell and Shane did nothing against them. He just let them fall and let himself feel. Feel for Ilya. Because all Shane ever wanted was to understand him, was to understand the man he loved so much.

Guilt tightened his stomach because as much as he wanted to understand Ilya, this wasn’t right. He had no right to read these private thoughts, which were never meant for his eyes. Shane had already seen too much, had already read too much. But he couldn’t undo it anymore. Couldn’t erase the words from his mind or the feelings they provoked. He should’ve never picked these pages up, but he had and now it was too late.

Shane felt awful, he felt awful for deceiving Ilya like this and at the same time still having the urge to read on to learn more about Ilya’s pain and fears about all the things he had locked up inside of him. Another sob escaped him, and he dropped his head down to his knees burying his face between them. Tears were wetting his sweatpants as the sobs began to shake his body. Questions filled his head as he was sniffling and gasping for air through the tears. Shane’s heart was breaking for all the things Ilya had to endure and never told him about. His chest tight with a wide range of emotion Shane would never be able to decipher on his own.

He forced himself to take a few shaky breaths feeling heavy and hollow, and he wanted nothing more than for Ilya to return and be able to hug him. It felt like his own heart had been torn to pieces while reading Ilya’s thoughts and he hadn’t even been the one to go through all of this. Shane felt stuck and frozen there on the floor of the office. His mind a mess mulling over everything he had read while trying to remember the time back then. Shane felt tense as shame settled in his stomach and he just hoped that Ilya would return soon.

Ilya stepped into the cottage and was immediately welcomed by the warmth of the house dispelling the cold of the Canadian winter air. He took off his snow boots and hung his winter jacket over the rack. He walked into the kitchen as silently as possible carrying a heavy bag of groceries and some flowers to surprise Shane. Ilya tried to sneak a glimpse of his boyfriend with the intention to sneak up on him and scare him. But Shane wasn’t in the kitchen. He placed the bag of groceries on the counter and walked around the corner to see into the living room. Expecting to spot Shane curled up and asleep on the couch.

But he wasn’t there either. The fire was burning, and the Christmas tree was lit. Shane’s favourite blanket was bundled up in his corner of the couch indicating that he had been there. All traces of him but he was still nowhere to be found. No bright smile and freckled face coming up to greet him. No crushing hug or lips that would slot over his perfectly.

The house was big he was surely just in the gym or had in fact gone to the bedroom for his afternoon nap. There was no need to worry, Ilya told himself unable to shake the gnawing feeling of anxiety. He wouldn’t just disappear like that. Shane wouldn’t. And still worry settled in his stomach and he made his way over towards the staircase. He swallowed around the lump in his throat as he started to climb the stairs to reach the first level.

Ilya decided to check out the bedroom first, but the room was empty and cold. The bed was made and untouched. So, he closed the door behind him and stilled for a second contemplating where to search next. Just as he wanted to go back the way he came from he noticed a light coming from the other side of the corridor. There the door towards the office was cracked open, a door that was usually closed. Because when Shane was here at the cottage he wanted to relax and not think about any bureaucratic stuff.

Ilya turned that way and slowly walked down the corridor towards the office. As he was drawing closer Ilya heard subdued sobs coming from the inside. His heart clenched with worry. He sped up his steps as a realization dawned up on him. His stomach tightened with fear that Shane had found them.

He pushed the door open, and his gaze was searching for Shane. The sobs were now loud and clear, and Ilya wanted nothing more than to wrap Shane in his arms and hold him until everything was alright again. Ilya rounded the desk, and his heart didn’t stutter but simply stopped. For an endless second everything stilled around him, and he felt his breath hitch in his throat. Shane had found them, his letters and his journals. And the world turned sideways slowly slipping away from Ilya’s grasp. Like someone had taken away the solid ground underneath his feet, leaving him falling indefinitely. His heart dropped and his entire focus narrowed on the pages Shane was clasping in his hands and the shoe carton next to him.

Ilya closed his eyes for a second and forced himself to take a deep breath of air. He had always promised himself that one day he would show Shane, he would tell him about all of it. Ilya had foolishly hoped he would have time to prepare, to prepare Shane. But he had never wanted it to happen like this. For Shane to just stumble across the pages that carried his darkest thoughts and simple truths of his life. Never wanted him to read those alone or ever. Because Ilya wasn’t sure he was strong enough to revisit all the open wounds he had spilled on those pages. Wasn’t sure if he wanted Shane to see him in that light. He had promised himself he would tell Shane because he deserved it. But not like this, never like this.

He bit down on the inside of his cheek and crossed the last distance between them with shaky steps. Because Shane had found them, and Ilya needed to make sure he was alright. Had to hold him while he cried, because when they would be done with this Ilya wasn’t certain Shane would want to stay. Would want to stay with someone as broken as him. It wouldn’t be fair to make him carry that burden too.

Shane looked up at the sound, his eyes pained and red from what he had already read.

“Ilya-,” Shane whispered his voice shaking and broken as Ilya crouched down next to him. Carefully he removed the bristle pages from Shane’s trembling hands before he wrapped his arms around Shane.

Ilya pulled him close against his chest and his pounding heart. Shane unfolded himself and wrapped his arms around Ilya’s waist beckoning him to come impossibly closer. He carded his fingers through Shane’s hair and pressed a breathless kiss on top of his crown.

“I am so sorry Ilya.” Shane apologized in between sobs against his chest. “So sorry. I know I didn’t have the right to- to…”

“It’s okay.” Ilya said as he gritted his teeth fighting his own tears. Because no it wasn’t okay. But what was done was done and they both knew that. “Shhh Shane it’s okay.” He buried his face in Shane’s soft black hair and inhaled his musky scent.

They stayed like this for some time. Crouching and hugging on the office floor while they both tried to calm down. Shane sniffled in his arms, but Ilya could slowly feel the sobs to lessen. Every now and then he pressed a soft kiss on the top of Shane’s head.

Physically he was there in the office hugging Shane, but his mind was already far ahead. Trying to remember what he had written down in all those journals and letters. Ilya was already worrying about how Shane would react, what would change between them, if Shane would leave. He feared revisiting those parts of himself, scared of what Shane would do with it.

His mind was brimming with thoughts and possibilities. And this hadn’t even been the complicated part. This was just Shane discovering his secret stash of journals. This was just him scraping the surface of what Ilya had written down these past years. No this was the easy part; the complicated part was still to come.

Shane slowly pulled away, taking shaky deep breaths as he wiped away the last remainders of his tears. He moved one hand towards Ilya’s face and softly caressed his cheek.

“I am so sorry Ilya. I didn’t mean to.” Shane apologized and he could see the regret in his eyes. Ilya could see the guilt and pain this discovery had caused him.

“I just… my mother asked me to search for some- some contract and that’s how I stumbled across these pages.” Shane hectically explained how he had found them.

Ilya nodded in understanding he should’ve anticipated Shane finding these sooner or later. He removed one of his hands from where he had been holding Shane’s waist and ran it through his tousled curls. “It’s okay I know your sorry and that you didn’t mean anything with it. I- I just wish this would’ve gone different.”

Shane bit down on his bottom lip. “Yeah, me too.” He agreed quietly before he arched up and brought their foreheads together. “Still, I had no right to read any of this. As soon as I realised that they were from you I should’ve stopped reading. I am sorry I didn’t.”

Ilya made their noses brush and took another deep breath. He placed a soft kiss on Shane’s lip and pulled away. “How much did you read?” His voice was tired but gentle.

“Only- the first page of this.” Shane admitted and turned around slightly to point towards the loose pages.

“You haven’t looked inside the carton?” Ilya asked genuinely surprised. He had thought that Shane had already seen and read far more than just one page.

Vehemently Shane shook his head. “No, I would never, I only picked up the page because it laid on top. And I am sorry.”

“You can stop apologising now, Sweetheart. It happened and we can’t take it back and that’s okay.” Ilya tried to reassure him as he carded his hands through Shane’s soft black hair. Whose eyes fluttered shut and unconsciously leaned further into the soft touch. “I wanted to show you; I wanted to tell you about all of this at some point I promise. I just never felt ready to do so. And I still don’t.” Ilya said because he needed Shane to know that he hadn’t wanted to hide this from him for ever.

“You don’t have to, Ilya. You don’t have to show me more. I have already seen too much."

“No, I think I have already waited too long.” Ilya swallowed against the lump in his throat. Fear made him uncomfortable, and he didn’t want to carry that further. He didn’t want to walk through the cottage with the knowledge of what he had hidden in the office. “In the carton are journals of mine in which I wrote down my thoughts over the years.”

Shane stared at him from his position on the floor his eyes, so kind and patient. It made Ilya’s his heart tighten. Every time Shane regarded him with this look, telling Ilya that they had time and didn’t need to rush. Shane’s eyes were so soft and warm, and they were looking at him. And Ilya didn’t know what to do with himself. Because no one has ever looked at him like that. No one but Shane and he still wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve it.

He leaned down and kissed Shane, gently, tenderly. Because he didn’t know what else to do. Their lips moved softly against each other. A reassuring touch nothing more and it nearly made Ilya choke up again from how much he loved Shane.

The pulled apart again just so much that their lips weren’t touching anymore.

“Why and when did you hide them in my office?” Shane whispered into the space between them.

“I don’t know. I- a couple years back I just brought them with me. Because I think I had the impulse to show you but caved because I was too afraid. I hid them here, because the cottage is safe, the cottage is warm and filled with you. So, the darkness doesn’t get to me here. Not like it can at home at least.” Ilya sighed searching for the right words to explain why he had had the urge to leave them here. “These entries, these letters some of them are not light. Most of them aren’t as you already saw. And I wanted to not be reminded of them every time I walk past the carton at home. I think I wanted to know them safe in a place which carries so much light that I didn’t have to feel the weight as much.”

Shane nodded and his eyes seemed to soften further and crack. There was so much overwhelming understanding and compassion in Shane’s gaze. And Ilya didn’t think he deserved it.

“How about we take this conversation downstairs onto the couch?” Ilya suggested his knees slightly aching from his crouch.

“Okay.” Shane agreed readily. But before Ilya could move his lips were captured in another soft kiss. Short and sweet, catching him off guard. And before he could kiss back Shane had separated them again and made amends to get off the floor.

Shane had settled to his left on the couch, legs tangling in the middle as he leaned back their shoulders were brushing. They had formed a pile in the corner of the couch, touching while still being able to talk face to face. Ilya had placed the shoe carton next to him on the couch. It felt like a suffocating weight on his chest, after so many years of being closed and hidden it was now waiting to be opened. Waiting for all of his secrets to be revealed.

He opened the lid and decided the first journal to show Shane would be the one of their rookie season. A red leatherbound journal that had seen better days. Ilya pulled it out and showed it to Shane, carefully he traced the binding.

“I remember I bought this back then at the airport, when we first landed in Regina in 2008.” He told Shane without looking up from the red book in his hands.

“I don’t even know why I felt the need to buy it. But I did and so I started writing.” Ilya mused and looked up at Shane who met his gaze, eyes shimmering with emotion. “Back then I still wrote in Russian, everything else was too hard, too unfamiliar.”

Shane nodded listening attentively to whatever he was ready to reveal. Ilya handed Shane his first ever journal who accepted it carefully as if it was something worth treating with the utmost care.

“Can- can I?” He nodded towards the journal in his hands, asking if he could open it. Ilya just nodded weakly, and Shane flipped it open running his fingers along Ilya’s writing. For a moment they just stayed like this. Shane looking through the pages where his 17-year-old self had immortalized himself. And Ilya watching Shane treat his 17-year-old self with care and love. Ilya swallowed against the lump that formed in his throat. This wasn’t going to be easy.

Shane looked up after a while. “Would you- would you read some to me?” He asked uncertainty written across his face and the fear to overstep.

“In Russian or…” Ilya trailed off and bit down on his lip without finishing his question. Dread lodged itself in between his ribs. Ilya was frightened of both what he would find if he started reading and what Shane would do once he heard the words written on those pages.

“You don’t have to Ilya; you can also just read it to me in Russian or not at all. I have already seen too much. I don’t want to pressure you into something you aren’t ready for yet.”

“I know.” Ilya nodded without meeting Shane’s gaze. “I know you didn’t. But maybe the point has come now where I am supposed to tell you, because I don’t know if I have the strength to do any of this again.”

Shane’s hand came up to his cheek and tenderly caressed it, before he let his hand run through Ilya’s curls. Just for a short moment Ilya let himself close his eyes and sigh into the careful touch.

“You could also just tell me about these things. You don’t have to open any more of these journals.” Shane offered him another option. But Ilya didn’t think he could do that, he couldn’t just talk about his emotions like that.

Ilya shook his head. “No, I don’t think I can do this without these texts.” He admitted and gently took the journal out of Shane’s hands.

He flipped it open for the first time in over god knows how many years. And traced the words of his first letter.

“Back then I used to write letters, because it felt strange enough to write about current events in my life like this. I think I needed this structure. Later I started just letting my thoughts go, no structure just spiral after spiral.” Ilya explained his voice sombre and thick with feelings he had long buried.

Shane placed his hand on his thigh, warm and reassuring. Like an anchor, reminding him where home was. And so, Ilya began reading, his voice faltering as he tried to translate simultaneously, searching for words that would convey his younger selves worries.

2008, Regina

Ilya finished reading his first letter and looked up at Shane taking a shaky breath. He blinked away the tears that made his vision grow blurry to be able look at Shane. To look at Shane and make sure that he was still there.

Shane was already looking at him, with so much love and compassion that Ilya’s insides tightened. He wasn’t used to this, used to being this vulnerable and being met with understanding instead of anger and ignorance. Ilya ran his hands through his slightly tangled curls and tried to collect himself to read the next letter to Shane. To read the next letter to Shane without being overcome with the feelings of his 17year old self.

Because he wasn’t 17 anymore hadn’t been for quite some time. The world wasn’t as dark and lonely anymore, he wasn’t as lost anymore. And still those parts continued to exist inside of him because he never really lost them, he just outgrew them and stopped looking back. However right now Ilya was looking back, looking back at his younger self and couldn’t stop noticing all those fears and hopes he had carried within himself. He wished he could tell his younger self that things were going to be okay. That things would change and that would be okay.

Shane squeezed his thigh and pulled him out of his thoughts back to the couch in the cottage. He smiled weakly at Shane as he flipped the pages in the journal and began reading again.

This letter was lighter, and he chuckled while reading it out loud to Shane. Whose lips were turned up into a fond smile, eyes so soft, radiating that lovely warmth that made Ilya’s heart melt.

“I don’t turn red like a tomato.” Shane complained and playfully slapped Ilya’s bicep.

“Yes, you do. You just never see it when you do.” Ilya corrected him and could feel some of that pressing weight leave his chest for just a moment.

Shane shook his head exasperated, as if he couldn’t believe what Ilya had just revealed to him. His eyes were crinkled and bright and nothing like those nervous uncertain eyes he had carried back then in Saskatchewan.

“You liked me from day one, admit it.”

“No, I did not. I liked teasing you and that you were actually making an effort to talk to me. Even though I was the best player there.” Ilya said suddenly unsure if he had ever admitted this before how much this small interaction meant to him.

Shane smiled at him softly causing Ilya’s heart to clench with how much he loved the man in front of him. “Didn’t seem like that back then, that you were enjoying my effort.” Shane shrugged. “And what reason would I have had to shy away from you. You weren’t that great, baby.”

“Oh, I wasn’t that great?” Ilya looked at Shane ridiculed. “And who came first in the draft, Sweetheart? Do I have to remind you again that that name started with an R and ended on ozanov?”

Shane rolled his eyes at him like he always did when Ilya brought this topic up. There was no bad blood between them there never had. But it was fun to tease Shane, like it always had been.

“The draft… Do you- did you write something about that?” Shane asked carefully fidgeting with the edge of the blanket that covered their legs.

“Yeah-,” Ilya swallowed audibly, there it was again the pressing feeling on his chest.

He flipped through the journal, nearly all the way towards the end until he found the entry he had made after the draft. Six months after Shane had introduced himself in Regina.

2009, Los Angeles

Ilya grew silent after reading those lines and just stared down at his own words. At the proof that it had always been Shane. And it always would be Shane. But having proof for that right in front of him felt different. Because he had been 18 back then and so had Shane. And after all those years it was still the same.

“So, you felt them too?” Shane asked surprised breaking the silent that had settled around them. Ilya raised his brow unsure what Shane was referring too. “The sparks. That something had changed.”

Ilya just nodded, of course he had felt them. He was sure had any other person been around them in that moment they would’ve felt that too.

“And by the way you- you weren’t reading too much into it. I- this was the first time I couldn’t ignore that I was desperately attracted to a man.”

“I am surprised you got this far. Regarding the number of naked men, you have seen daily in the locker rooms since you were young.”

“Well, none of them were incredibly hot Russians with curly hair, who were getting on my nerves so…” Shane replied and shrugged totally unaware that Ilya’s heart always jumped when Shane admitted that he found him hot.

The black-haired man leaned over, shifting on the couch to press a soft kiss against Ilya’s lips. Shane lingered there for a second longer, keeping their lips pressed together while they shared the same air. The kiss wasn’t hot nor heated but more reassuring, like Shane too was seeking closeness and comfort.

After another beat Shane pulled away and their gazes met. He brought his hands up to cup Ilya’s face, caressing his cheeks while he looked at him intently. “It will always be you Ilya. Please don’t ever doubt that.” Shane said into the space in between their bodies. His gorgeous dark brown eyes seemed to shine with that gentle warm light, that always guided Ilya home.

Ilya blinked against the tears that dared to slip from his eyes and swallowed around the knot in his throat. His chest was tight making breathing hard. Harder than it should be. Ilya brought his arms up to Shane’s waist, having the urge to touch and hold. His throat was tight with emotion not a word was leaving his mouth, so he just leaned in again and kissed Shane once again.

Tenderly their lips moved against each other. Ilya was kissing him to show that he was the most important person in his life. He was kissing Shane with care and love who reciprocate it and kissed Ilya back the same way. It made Ilya’s stomach flutter and was enough to make his tears fall. Wetting their cheeks.

Their breathing was uneven as they pulled apart, Shane quickly wiping away the tears which were still falling.

“I love you.” Ilya croaked out. “I love you so much, Shane.”

Shane brought their foreheads together resting his against Ilya, their noses pressing against each other.

“I love you too, Ilya.” Ilya’s breath stuttered at that admittance and his heart stopped for a short second taking it all in.

They stayed liked this with their foreheads pressed together relishing in the others presence. They let time pass until Ilya’s tears had dried up and their breathing had returned to normal.

Slowly they separated again, and Ilya put the old red journal away. He searched the shoe carton for the next one while Shane settled back against the couch. This next journal was navy blue with white polka dots. Another airport purchase.

2010, Toronto

“Okay I am going to stop here.” Ilya announced and Shane looked up surprised from where he was kneading the blanket listening attentively.

“Why?”

“Because it gets really embarrassing from here on out.” Ilya clarified and demonstratively closed the journal.

“Really? Wait did you-,” Shane asked eyes wide in surprise and his cheeks flushing in that lovely shade of pink.

“Yeah, I did, as it seems.” And Ilya could feel his cheeks flush too. “I wrote down how you gave me your room number without hesitation and how I met your mother on the way up. And-,”

“You met my mother on the way to hook up with me?” Shane interrupted him loudly. Embarrassed he pulled the blanket up and over his head, hiding underneath and Ilya chuckled. “And you never said anything all these years? Oh god everything could’ve gone so wrong…” Shane mumbled underneath the blanket, having a small melt down.

“Well, I knew that I would get this reaction, and it was never relevant soo…”

“I can’t believe it.” Shane said exasperated as he dramatically dropped the blanket again. His hair now a tousled mess.

“Really? This is what gets to you? And not the fact I wrote down how much I enjoyed having sex with you and how electric our kisses felt.” Ilya tried to shift the topic back to where they had left off.

“You wrote down how we had sex?” Shane looked at him stunned.

“Yeah, apparently.” Ilya scratched the back of his head and hoped that Shane would let it go. But when Ilya had learned one thing over the years than it was that Shane Hollander never let something go. Especially not when that something had to do with Ilya or them.

“Why?” Shane asked and Ilya sighed.

“Because that was the only way I could have you back then. And- and I wanted to remember it.” Shane stared at him and Ilya could still see the question marks behind his eyes.

“It seemed important back then. Rare. Like something we could only have in secret. Something that I needed to treasure and remember.” Ilya started to fidget with the edges of the paper of his journal. “This was around the time where my father was first diagnosed with dementia. And I was afraid that it was genetic or hereditary or whatever you call it. I am still afraid that one day I too will forget everything that was important to me. And I think that’s why I started writing so much more. For times where I can’t remember anything anymore. And I want to remember you, Shane. I want to remember everything.”

The air between them was heavy, with grief, worry and something else. Ilya looked up from the journal in his lap to meet Shane’s gaze and was met with so much compassion that he had to look away instantly.

“Ilya-,” Shane’s was voice nothing more than a whisper. It was fragile and broken.

“I mean its not genetic. The dementia. That’s at least what the doctors told me. But still I saw it happen, and I can’t shake the fear.” Ilya explained further before Shane started worrying even more. Before he would call Yuna, and they would immediately start coming up with a prevention plan.

Shane nodded and reached out to wrap his hand around Ilya’s bringing it up to his mouth and press a soft kiss against the back of it.

“I will be here to remind you. If anything should ever happen.” Shane said squeezing Ilya’s hand reassuringly. And it felt like a promise.

“Thank you, baby.” Ilya said his voice thick with emotion as he squeezed Shane’s hand back.

“I am going to get us something to drink, and you can decide what you want to read to me next.” Shane offered and attempted to free himself from Ilya’s limbs to walk over towards the kitchen.

Ilya sighed and closed his navy polka dotted journal again. He heard Shane rummage in the kitchen as he took another look at all the other notebooks in the carton. It was a strange assortment of thick and thin notebooks, colourful and striped ones, and even boring black ones. He picked a thin black notebook and opened it. Ilya skimmed the entries until he found one that he wanted Shane to know about.

2011, Las Vegas

Ilya looked up from his notebook towards Shane who listening intently and was warming his fingers around a cup of tea. His own cup stood steaming on the coffee table. He reached forward to pick it up and take a sip.

“Had almost forgotten about that.” Shane remarked and laughed to himself before he brought his own cup back to his mouth.

“Yeah.” Ilya agreed chuckling but it wasn’t light laughter, nor was it loud. It was laced with the pain of memories and time passing. It was pressing and sat tight in Ilya’s chest.

“I am sorry I didn’t know what it meant for you to go back to Russia.” Shane apologized.

“Please don’t. You couldn’t know because I didn’t tell you. Not everyone hates going back to Russia. It’s just my circumstances are different and complicated.”

Shane nodded slowly; sadness hushed across his face. “Still, I am sorry. For a lot of things.”

“Mhm, me too.” Ilya agreed, taking another sip from his tea. And they both fell silent, processing different thoughts and feelings. The atmosphere between them wasn’t tensed, just heavy with old memories and regrets. They let it linger in between them for some time, let it sit in their chests. Occasionally brushing their hands or casting soft smiles at the other. But otherwise, they remained quiet until the light outside was nearly gone and blueish.

Ilya shifted to turn on the lamp behind the couch and placed the black thin notebook back into the carton.

“Ilya-,” Shane was the first to break the silence.

“Yes?”

“About Russia… I know it’s kind of a jump, but did you write about the Olympics? I just feel like we barely talk about your experience in Russia or with your family- and I- I just want to understand. So, I can be there for you when you need me.” Shane stumbled over his words and a slight blush once again crept up in his cheeks. “We don’t have too. You don’t have to tell me or show me the entry. I don’t want to push anything. I was just curious.”

Ilya swallowed around the lump in his throat. He knew Shane only meant well, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying to talk about. Because the previous entries had been fine in comparison. They weren’t that vulnerable yet, they didn’t show him that hurt, that messed up. But that usually changed as soon as he stepped foot into Russia. It was as if the darkness would just wait until Ilya stepped foot into the country to overman him and pull him down under.

He put his cup down onto the table again and ran his hand across his eyes. He turned around to search for the journal he had kept during the 2014 Olympics.

“I did write about it.” Ilya announced his voice monotone. He picked up the ironically colourful notebook from that year. “It’s just that every time I am in Russia I begin to spiral. And this entry is probably going to hurt.”

“Who me or you?” Shane asked concerned leaning forward to once again place his warm hand onto Ilya’s thigh.

“Both... us both I guess.” Ilya mused as he traced the colourful pattern on the front.

“Okay, then we will be in it together.” Shane simply said and leaned further forward to place a soft warm kiss against Ilya’s cheek. “If you feel comfortable sharing it with me, of course.” He whispered against Ilya’s ear, Shane’s lips gently brushing against his sensitive skin.

“I’ll be right here, Ilya.”

2014, Sochi

Chapter 2: feel you deep in my bones, you're the current

Chapter Summary

Stuck somewhere between parties and the Florida heat, tuna melts and roses.

Chapter Notes

Happy new year!!

Who would've thought I'd manage to update within a week. Not me at least but here it is. :)

I also decided to add two more chapters upping the chapter count to a total of four because it felt too rushed. And I wanted to give our miscommunication Kings time to process and figure things out.

Thank you for leaving kudos and comments on this story, it means a lot to me! <3 I hope you continue to enjoy it.

2014, Las Vegas

“I almost texted you that back then.” Shane said after Ilya finished reading. Ilya looked up from the journal slightly confused as to what part Shane was referring to. “We didn’t even kiss. I nearly sent you that message. I had it all typed out in the elevator down to my room, but it felt silly sending you that. It felt like I wanted too much, was demanding too much.” Shane swallowed and leaned forward placing his empty cup of tea next to Ilya’s which had grown cold.

“You should’ve sent me that.” Ilya said staring at a spot behind Shane’s head.

“Why? Would you have come to my room to fix it?” Shane asked his eyebrow raised in doubt.

The truth was Ilya didn’t know. Ilya didn’t know a lot of things. But somehow, he had the feeling that he would’ve. That he would’ve went after Shane to fix things.

“I don’t know.” Ilya shrugged truthfully. “Maybe. Maybe I would’ve instead of spending the evening sulking, smoking and drinking.”

He refocused on Shane and saw him swallow heavily. “Do you- do you still struggle with alcohol? With the urge to- to drown things out?” He asked slowly, eyeing Ilya intently.

Ilya sighed and leaned back against the couch sinking into the cushions deeper. He tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling. “Sometimes. It’s not as bad anymore, hasn’t been for a while. The burning urge to drown things out and to drown myself in it, isn’t burning anymore. Isn’t driving me insane anymore. Sometimes it’s still the first thing I think about, because it’s hard to shake it completely. But it gets easier. It got easier ever since we figured things out.” He tried to explain while staring at the ceiling avoiding Shane’s gaze afraid of what he might find there. Afraid that there would be even more compassion he didn’t know how to cope with.

A warm hand settled on his shoulder and Shane’s thumb rubbed soothing circles into the skin on his collarbone. Ilya moved his head up from the back rest and met Shane’s kind brown eyes which shimmered in the light with something that looked like tears.

“Please tell me if you ever get the urge. Please tell me if it ever gets bad again. Because you are apparently very good at hiding stuff, and I am even worse at recognizing social cues. But I care about you Ilya.” Shane looked at him and his hand moved from Ilya’s shoulder up to his cheek and then into his hair. “I care about you so much Ilya. Please don’t ever doubt that but- but sometimes I am just bad at recognizing when you are feeling bad and are hiding it from me. But I am here for you… I will always be here for you.” And with that the first tear slipped from Shane’s lashes.

Ilya put the notebook away and extended his arms to Shane. Who all too willing dropped into the hug. His arms wrapped around Ilya’s neck, hands tangling in his curls. Shane’s head came to a rest in the crook of his neck, and he could feel the tears connect with his own skin. He pulled Shane close against him and pressed a soft kiss against his crown.

“Please promise me Ilya, that you’ll tell me when it gets bad again.” Shane’s voice came out muffled and weak. And Ilya could feel his heart break.

“I promise. I promise I’ll tell you when it gets bad again.” Ilya whispered against Shane’s hair and squeeze the man on his chest tightly.

“You better.” Shane protested and buried himself impossible deeper into Ilya’s neck. “Or else I will be very angry with you.” He added but it came out only half as tough as Shane probably had intended too.

In all the years that Ilya had known Shane, he had never seen the man truly angry. At least not to his standards. Because when someone from his family got angry with him things usually got dirty and loud. But not with Shane; Shane’s anger was calm and collected. Just more pointed than explosive.

The statement managed to startle a broken laugh from Ilya. “Okay.”

“Don’t laugh this is serious.” Shane complained, lifting his head from Ilya’s chest to stare at him with a deeply furrowed brow.

“I am not laughing. You are just very adorable, and I love you very much.”

“Not helping.” Shane responded but before he could say something else Ilya’s stomach growled beneath them. Reminding him that he hadn’t eaten anything ever since he returned from his shopping trip earlier that afternoon.

The groceries.

He groaned he had completely forgotten about them. And about his intention of surprising Shane with some flowers. Shane stared at him confused trying to figure out why a growling stomach would require him to groan or if he was in any sudden pain.

“The groceries. I totally forgot about them. And the flowers I bought you. I had planned on surprising you with them.”

Shane’s frown softened into an endeared smile at Ilya’s explanation. “I already saw them when I was making tea and put them into a vase. Thank you, baby they are very beautiful.” Shane said his eyes crinkling as he leaned down and kissed Ilya’s forehead. Then Shane kissed his nose and lastly his soft lips met Ilya’s.

“And I put all the groceries that required it into the fridge.” Shane reassured him as he pulled away from the kiss.

“Oh… perfect thank you, sweetheart.” Ilya said and ran his hand through Shane’s hair brushing it back behind his ear. “How about we eat something before we continue here?” Ilya suggested and was met with an enthusiastic nod from Shane.

They untangled themselves from the blanket and pillows of the couch. With their teacups, they made their way towards the kitchen. Quickly Ilya scanned the fridge to determine what they could eat.

“Tuna melts?” Ilya suggested and turned around to Shane, an amused smile on his lips.

The suggestion startled a laugh from Shane who had started to stow away the other stuff Ilya had bought in the store.

“Sure, why not. But you are making them.” Shane argued and crouched down to pull out the canned tuna.

“As you wish, your royal highness.” Ilya joked but turned around to pull out all the ingredients from the fridge. He placed them on the counter as well as some ginger ale and a coke for them to drink.

He popped the can open and shoved it over to where Shane was leaning against the cupboard watching him intently. He picked the can up and took a sip. And Ilya saw a small smile tug on the corners of his mouth.

“Might be having a Déjà-vu right now.” He admitted as he took another sip.

Ilya stopped his preparations for the tuna melts and looked up at Shane. “But this here is better right?” Ilya asked.

“Of course, so much better. I was so scared back then so frightened of all my feelings. Of- of what we might be. This is much better because I get to have you in all the ways I want.” Shane agreed and stepped closer towards Ilya wrapping his arms around Ilya’s waist. Placing his chin on Ilya’s shoulder watching him prepare their sandwiches.

“We are something and I am not afraid anymore.” Shane said against Ilya’s neck causing a shiver to run down his back.

Ilya bit down on the inside of his cheek, because so had he. He had been so afraid of naming what he felt. And this, Shane simply hugging him from behind while he cooked for them unimaginable back then. No this was better; this was so much better no questions asked. And still there was a heaviness of the unspoken in between them. Because there were still questions that had been left unanswered.

“If you pick up the… I think it was a dark green journal I can read you about it, if you want.” Ilya offered against the heavy beating of his heart.

Slowly Shane released him from the hug and went back over to the couch to search for the journal. In the meantime, Ilya finished the sandwiches and shoved them into the oven. Shane returned with the journal in hand and offered it to Ilya. Who flipped it open and searched for the right page. Shane settled on one of the barstools opposite of Ilya twisting and turning the can of ginger ale in his hands. Ilya leaned onto the counter his coke next to him as he began reading.

2016, Boston

Ilya stopped reading and instead of turning around to face Shane, he turned around towards the oven and pulled their now slightly crisp sandwiches out. He plated them and took a couple of deep steadying breaths before he turned around again. Ilya placed the plates onto the kitchen island and rounded it to take seat next to Shane on one of the barstools.

Ilya sat down still avoiding Shane’s gaze because it had happened, and Shane had apologized and then they had never talked about it again. But now they would be. And it would’ve been a lie that he wasn’t scared.

Shane’s hand slowly came up under his chin and turned his head, so he was left with no other choice but to meet Shane’s gaze. His hand reassuringly resting on his cheek.

“I am sorry. I know I already apologized for it but let me do it again. I am sorry for leaving like that Ilya. I was just so… so scared by how much I wanted this. Because for the first time I couldn’t pretend anymore that this was just something casual.” Shane said looking at him intently.

“I was so excited to finally see your house, to see where you live and have that evening with you. And when you asked me to stay it was so easy to give in, to just stay there wrapped in your arms. Then you cooked for me, and we watched TV, and it felt so domestic, like so much more than what we were. And I think in all these tiny moments anxiety started to accumulate and then you said my name and it just exploded. And I had to leave. I just had to leave.”

“Why?” Ilya asked. “Was it because you hadn’t accepted that you were gay yet?”

“No, well that wasn’t the only reason. I think I was just scared of how much you mean to me. And how willing I would’ve been to just stay right there in your house, in your bed if you had just asked me to.” Shane swallowed and broke their eye contact, turning his head away from Ilya. Who quickly cupped Shane’s cheek with his own hand, wiping away the single tear that rolled down his face.

“I wanted it so much Ilya. I wanted you so much, that I would’ve done pretty much anything you’d asked me to. And that feeling was so overwhelming that I simply had to leave. But I am still sorry I did.”

A small sad smile spread across Ilya’s face. “I wanted you too, more than anything else in my life. And I was so scared and then angry at myself for using your first name because I thought that this was what made you leave.” Ilya admitted voice thick with unvoiced pain.

“It probably was part of the general overwhelm back then. But no. Now when I think back, I treasure that memory especially. Because it was special in that moment, it was perfect. I am just a little mad at myself that I ruined it afterwards.” Shane explained and a dry laugh escaped him.

“And I am sorry that you had to go through all that trouble with your family. You shouldn’t have suffered in silence.” Shane told him and Ilya could feel his throat tighten with emotions, like it always did when they talked about his family. “I am sorry I couldn’t be there for you. And I perhaps wish that you would’ve shown or told me all of this sooner.”

“I am sorry I didn’t. I am just not- not used to someone listening to my problems. Or well… wanting to be there for me.” Ilya nodded sadly as he bit down on his bottom lip and the first tear slipped from his lashes. “I am also not good with- with talking about my feelings. It’s easier when I write.” He admitted and his field of vision grew blurry.

“But you started writing to me here. Don’t you think that talking to me could feel similar. I could also just shut up and listen to your rambling if that helps?” Shane offered and more tears fell, nobody had ever offered to listen to him rambling about his feelings. Nobody had ever been interested in that before.

Shane pulled him closer, and he buried his face in the crook of the smaller man’s shoulder. Small sobs shook his body as his hands searched for Shane’s waist to hold onto. Shane’s hands were running up and down his back in soothing circles.

“What would I do without you?” Ilya asked in between sobs into Shane’s shoulder.

Shane’s hands stilled and he placed a gentle kiss against Ilya’s temple. “I am very glad we don’t have to find that out.” He whispered against Ilya’s ear.

Ilya pulled back from Shane’s shoulder and crushed their lips together. Shane made a surprised sound in the back of his throat before he smiled into kiss. Ilya licked against Shane’s lips in the attempt to deepen the kiss and Shane parted his lips willingly. All while he buried his hands in Ilya’s curls pulling him closer into the kiss. Ilya dipped his tongue into Shane’s mouth deepening the kiss. When he had to pull back for a breather he scraped his teeth along Shane’s bottom lip.

They eyes met and for a second they just stared at each other. Before Shane leaned in again and softly kissed the tears away from underneath Ilya’s eyes and cheeks. He peppered kisses around Ilya’s face until they were both chuckling.

“Our tuna melts are growing cold.” Ilya remarked sniffling as Shane placed one final kiss on the top of his nose.

“That sounds more like something I would say.” Shane laughed surprised but released Ilya’s face from his hold when he was certain that no more tears were coming.

Ilya shrugged. “I was surprised you didn’t.” He joked and pulled their plates closer.

And for a moment they both fell quiet, eating their sandwiches.

“Why did you start writing to me?” Shane asked after some time when he put his half-eaten sandwich down to take a sip of his ginger ale.

“I don’t know exactly. It just happened. I think I just go with whatever helps me write down my thoughts. Whatever feels the most comfortable or natural.” Shane nodded along to his explanation and took another bite. “I usually try not to think about it too much because I know that I’ll get too caught up in my head and won’t be able to put anything down on paper.” Ilya paused for a second to drink something himself.

“It might’ve helped me feel like I was talking to you because I wanted you to know all of this. I just wanted someone to know. But I knew I would never be able to say any of this out loud. To admit any of these things just like that. Because I was never good at talking or at expressing my feelings. Never out loud.”

Shane took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

“I think it gave me the feeling that we were talking in a way we didn’t. Or that we couldn’t or would never get the chance to. And there was no one around me I would’ve ever confined in with any of this, so I wrote my thoughts down. Until one day I could show you them, let you in.” Ilya took a bite from his tuna melt just so he wouldn’t have to talk for a moment.

“Or so I think about it now. I don’t know exactly what the reasoning was back then.” Ilya mumbled while his mouth was still full of food.

Shane just stared at him while he finished chewing. “Why are you staring at me?”

“Because you are adorable Ilya, and I have a feeling my heart might burst.”

“Ah no. Russians aren’t adorable. We don’t do that.” Ilya corrected him a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“Oh, you don’t?” Shane said dryly, raising his eyebrow in doubt.

“Nope we don’t. We don’t blush, we aren’t adorable, and we don’t cry.” And only after he said it out loud, he realized that it was the truth. The truth he had been raised with and not just some funny thing he could joke about because they were stereotypes. And once again he had to sit there with the realization that that was his life, the way he had grown up and not just some stupid shit people said. Ilya swallowed around the sudden knot in his throat.

“But I am glad that you do.” Shane leaned in closer and kissed his cheek. And Ilya simply nodded too caught up in that realization than to be able to formulate a sentence.

They finished their tuna melts in accompanying silence. And Shane got up to put away their dirty dishes. When he was done, he looked up at Ilya questioningly.

“Should we go back to the couch?” Shane asked unsure while fidgeting with the dishtowel.

“We can. If you’re so eager to read the entry about Rose.” And Shane groaned at that.

“We don’t have to we can just skip her if you’d like that better.” Ilya offered equally as queasy at the perspective of going through that again.

But Shane simply sighed and shook his head. “I think we should- we should go through that again. We owe it to us and her.” Ilya faked a smile at that decision while he stood up from his barstool and with the notebook in hand they walked back to the couch.

But this time Shane settled right next to him, propping his head up on Ilya’s chest and one leg splayed on top of him. Ilya chuckled at the change of position but didn’t complain about the proximity. He simply adjusted his arms to comfortably hold Shane. If everything he might even prefer this over their earlier positioning. Especially for the entries they were about to read.

2017, Montreal

Ilya’s voice was shaking by the end, and he closed the journal to take a deep breath. Shane’s hand came up and cupped his cheek pulling him down into an awkward kiss. Ilya pulled back slightly and nuzzled his nose in Shane’s hair.

“I love you.” Shane said his hand playing with the curls in the crook of Ilya’s neck. “I loved you back then, but I was scared, and things were complicated-,”

“I know.” Ilya interrupted Shane, murmuring the words into his hair.

“Don’t interrupt me.” Shane chided him softly and Ilya chuckled slightly but didn’t say anything else. “I love you and I hated myself too. For- for being gay for loving you because I thought I was inconveniencing you. Because we never planned for this to happen. And I am sorry it took me so long to- to fix things. And I am sorry for a lot of things that this fear took from us. But I am so in love with you Ilya and now you will forever be stuck with me.” Shane finished and stabbed Ilya in the chest right above his heart.

Ilya’s throat closed and despite Shane’s constant reassurance that he would stay, the anxiety in his chest told him that Shane still hadn’t seen the worst parts of him, still hadn’t seen the darkest depths of his sorrow. And that if he did, he wouldn’t like what he saw anymore, he would see him as weak and broken and not worthy of love. Ilya wanted nothing more than to trust Shane blindly, to simply accept his word and not question it further. But that wasn’t how he had been raised. He hadn’t been raised in circumstances where he could simply accept the words of others for the truth, and it was hard shaking that attitude.

Because there was still this survival instinct inside him that told him to shut off and shut people out so they wouldn’t hurt him. There was still that indistinct voice in the back of his mind that made him question why Shane even loved him.

“Okay.” Was the only thing Ilya could whisper his voice brimming with emotions. “I am sorry this is not that easy for me.” He croaked out as he wiped away the tears that dropped from his lashes.

Ilya was surprised he was still capable of crying, that his body was still producing tears, and he hadn’t run dry yet. Because he hadn’t cried this much in years, never letting himself go that far. But now they were streaming from his eyes seemingly unstopping, like they had amassed over the years waiting for the day he would allow them to flow.

Shane gently moved his arm to the side so that he could cup Ilya’s face again. “I know. And it’s okay that it’s not. It’s okay that you still struggle with it.” Shane murmured against his jawline his lips gently brushing Ilya’s skin. “Its okay to feel weak and cry about it because it affects you. Everything is okay here. Whatever you feel is okay, Ilya.” Shane caressed his cheek, and his eyes glistened with tears of his own and so much love that Ilya didn’t know what to do with it.

“I am right here, and I am so proud of you.” Shane whispered after a short moment of silence. Ilya let out a quiet sob and he pulled Shane closer, pressing him tighter against his chest.

2017, Tampa Bay

“How about we stop here for the night?” Ilya suggested as he closed the notebook, he let his hand run through Shane’s hair who nodded tiredly. He let his gaze wander through the living room, the fire had nearly gone out and the lake outside had disappeared in darkness a while ago. Ilya had no idea how late it was, but he felt drained, and his voice was hoarse.

Shane stirred as he yawned and stretched his limbs. “That sounds like a good idea.” He agreed verbally after he had stopped yawning.

Ilya pressed a small kiss onto Shane’s forehead before he started to move earning him a displeased whine from Shane. He sorted the notebooks back into the shoe carton and placed it onto the coffee table for the night. When he turned around again, he found Shane staring at him with half lidded eyes and a loving smile splayed across his lips. Ilya moved closer once again and gently brushing Shane’s black hair out of his face.

“Unfortunately, you do have to move, sweetheart if you want to go to bed.” Ilya said his voice filled with affection as Shane groaned at the prospect. But despite his protest he slowly emerged from his position on the couch.

They turned off all the lights in the living room and slowly made their way upstairs to the bedroom in shared silence. They got ready for bed and then cuddled up once again. Shane once again splayed on top of him, his head resting on Ilya’s chest. Both in need of physical contact and reassurance that the other was still there.

“Goodnight, Shane.” Ilya whispered into Shane’s soft hair as he could feel the exhaustion of the day creep in, even though he doubted that his sleep would be fulfilling.

Shane smiled against Ilya’s chest and mumbled, “Goodnight, Ilya.”

Chapter 3: and I showed no restraint, it was something

Chapter Summary

And that’s the worst fucking part because all I want is you. It’s always you. It will always be you, Shane.

Chapter Notes

This chapter is by far the heaviest one, since it focuses on Ilya in Russia after his father died.

I remember writing most of this in a near halluzinatory state after watching episode 5, simply because I was so moved by Connor Storries performance of that monologue and well the entire fucking episode. I tried to put those feelings into words, with some liberties taken surrounding his treatment at home and his mothers death. So please keep the tags in mind and proceed with caution. :)

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy or else I hope it makes you feel something! :3

Ilya opened the glass door and stepped out onto the terrace. The cold morning breeze made him shiver as the snow underneath his boots crunched. He pulled the door close behind him and slowly began walking down the path towards the dock by the lake. He hadn’t slept very well; the past few hours he had spent staring at the ceiling while Shane snored in his arms. And as the first rays of light shone through the blinds, Ilya had decided he needed to move his body a little.

The world outside was quiet besides the crunching snow underneath his feet. He hugged himself pulling his hoodie tighter to contain the warmth a little longer. He followed the nearly invisible path down to the shore of the lake. It had cleared up in comparison to yesterday. The clouds weren’t hanging that low anymore and a few specks of blue sky could be seen. Maybe later that day some sun would come through.

Ilya felt lighter than yesterday too, like some of the weight he was carrying and had tried to bury for all these years was slowly leaving him. A lot of things existed now out in the open between him and Shane; they had talked about a lot already had gone through their past and reassured each other. But they hadn’t yet reached the part he was dreading the most. Those loose pages Shane had started reading where still looming over his head, causing his stomach to churn with fear.

He had written those in one of the darkest times of his life and that was exactly what was left on those pages. And Ilya wasn’t sure he wanted to revisit that version of his past self. He had been so helpless back then, so alone and so very far away from Shane.

He stood at the dock in the cold and just took a few deep breaths of cold crisp winter air. He let his gaze wander across the frozen lake, tracing their traces from their skating a couple of days ago.

It was beautiful and peaceful and really boring. But Ilya just stood there for a couple of minutes the cold gnawing at his body as he tried to let go of the fear. Of the fear of showing Shane his darkest thoughts and memories from his childhood.

Ilya was fully shivering by the time he stepped into the cottage again. He stomped off his snow boots and walked around the couch, shoes in hand to bring them back to their shoe rack. A little lost in thought he was startled by Shane smiling at him when he reached the kitchen.

A yelp escaped him and Ilya had nearly dropped his wet boots onto the wooden floor. After the initial scare they both couldn’t help but laugh.

“God, I wish I would’ve filmed that. This would’ve done numbers online.” Shane grinned at Ilya who just shook his head and walked over towards their shoe rack by the front door.

By the time he returned to the kitchen two steaming cups of coffee stood on the counter.

“I made some coffee.” Shane said and Ilya wrapped his arms around his waist pulling him closer into a hug. Ilya buried his face into Shane’s shoulder and mumbled a thank you into his skin. While Shane let his hands run up and down Ilya’s back in an attempt to get some warmth back into his body.

“Saw you standing out there and thought you might need something to warm you up.” He admitted gently nuzzling his nose in Ilya’s curls.

Ilya raised his head at that comment and met Shane’s gaze. Who looked at him with this special light in his eyes that made Ilya’s throat close up. “I- I just had to clear my head a little.”

Shane nodded in understanding and Ilya felt entirely undeserving of the man who stood in front of him. Gentle fingers carded through Ilya’s tangled curls. “You didn’t sleep much did you?” Shane asked scanning his face with worry and care.

He tried for a smile, a tired and sad smile which wouldn’t reach his eyes. So, he just started to shake his head. “No, thoughts they are very loud.” Ilya confessed and had to look away from Shane’s gaze.

“You could’ve said something Ilya.” Shane said and his voice was so tender, so caring that Ilya just wanted to curl up in Shane’s strong arms and never emerge. “We could’ve watched a movie or you could’ve rambled in Russian or… I don’t know you could’ve fucked me.” A comment which did make Ilya smirk.

“I just want to help be-because you don’t have to suffer alone anymore, okay?” Shane told him and placed his soft fingers underneath Ilya’s chin, slowly turning his head so he had to meet Shane’s gaze again. “I am right here Ilya, you… you just have to talk to me, tell me what you need, okay?”

And Ilya felt like a little boy again, when he came home upset from practice or school and his mother tried to figure out how to help him. He swallowed against the lump in his throat.

“Okay.” Ilya agreed his voice barely above a whisper. “Okay.” Shane said back and connected their lips in a gentle kiss. Shane held Ilya’s face in his hands like it was the most precious thing in the world, slowly brushing his hair with his fingertips. Ilya parted his lips to allow Shane to deepen the kiss and their tongues slowly caressing the other. It was deep and soft and filled with so much emotion that Ilya didn’t know where to put it. His heart flipping and tumbling around his chest helplessly and he could feel the familiar burning return to behind his eye. Before they separated again Ilya nipped at Shane’s bottom lip, savouring that taste for a second longer.

“Coffee?” Shane asked still cradling Ilya’s face between his hands.

“Coffee.” He confirmed.

They picked up their cups and walked over towards the couch, settling in their corner once again. Ilya threw a blanket over them as Shane tucked himself in to Ilya’s side. One of his legs was resting in Ilya’s lap and his head steadied on Ilya’s shoulder. They sipped their coffees in silence watching it get brighter outside as more and more blue sky appeared.

The coffee was good and slowly warmth returned into Ilya’s limbs. When Shane was done with his cup, he pressed a wet kiss against Ilya’s cheek his lips hotter than normal. Startling out a little laugh from Ilya.

“Was that a sign for me to put your cup on the table?” Ilya asked amused already taking the cup out of Shane’s hands.

He leaned forward and Shane made a noise of complain at their shift in position. Ilya placed their mugs on the coffee table and hesitated for a second. His fingertips brushing over the loose pages, which laid on top of the shoe carton as if they were waiting to be read.

Ilya sighed and then picked them up, bringing them with him onto the couch. Shane looked at him surprised at the sight of those pages.

“Ilya-,” Shane said placing his warm hand on top of Ilya’s wrist, stopping his motion. “You- you don’t have to. I-,” He swallowed probably remembering what he had read on that first page.

Ilya smiled at him with a heavy heart. “No, I- I think I have to. I… I can’t keep this locked up any longer. Not if I want to be free of it.” Shane looked at him and his eyes were already brimming with tears and Ilya had to quickly look away so that he wouldn’t start crying too. When had he gotten so emotional?

“You already read a part of this… and I was at a very bad place mentally and just very much done with everything.” He attempted to explain, prepare them both. “This-,” Ilya swallowed, “is very dark but I am not… not struggling like this anymore.”

“Okay, we can stop any time.” Shane reassured him, squeezing his wrist. He knew that theoretically they could stop any time, but if Ilya did, he would never start reading this again.

2017, Moscow

The pages had grown blurry over the course of reading them. Ilya had to take a few short breaks where he had simply stared off into the distance before he had been able to continue reading. More tears had joined the old, dried ones and by the end his voice was croaky and shaking.

Ilya put the pages to his side his hands trembling as he took a deep breath trying to steady himself.

“Come here.” Shane whispered through his own tears and opened his arms and Ilya could do nothing but drop into the embrace.

His face smushed against Shane’s chest and he didn’t stop the tears from falling. Shane wrapped his arms around his body holding him tightly as sobs shook his body. A position they had found themselves in a lot over the past 24hours. Shane buried his head in Ilya’s curls and mumbled sweet reassurances that washed over Ilya like a warm shower. Soft kisses on top of his hair and the fact that after Shane had heard all of this, he was still holding Ilya like he was precious. Didn’t help stopping the flow of his tears.

After some time, Ilya’s sobs lessened and he could slowly breathe again. He removed his head from Shane’s chest who only reluctantly opened his arms to create space in which Ilya could move in. Their eyes met and Shane’s were equally as red as his felt.

“’m sorry about the…” instead of finishing his sentence he simply pointed at the wet patches his tears had created on Shane’s chest. Speaking was hard when his mind felt like mush and his entire body was exhausted.

Shane moved his hand to cup Ilya’s cheek. “Don’t. It’s all good.” He mumbled and brought their foreheads together, their noses brushing. It was a little uncomfortable from the position Ilya had shifted to, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. Shane was there and that was all that mattered.

“Ilya, I hope you know that you weren’t responsible for your mother’s death. That you didn’t deplete her of anything she wasn’t giving you willingly, because you were a child. You were a child Ilya. None of that was your fault.” Shane said into the space between them his hot breath ghosting Ilya’s lips.

Ilya swallowed heavily and could feel a lonesome tear roll down his face. He knew that; he knew that he wasn’t responsible and that it had never been his responsibility to take care of his mother. But in moments were the world felt heavy it was easy for those thoughts to slip in to make use of the guilt that he still carried around.

“I know.” Ilya said his voice broken. “It’s just sometimes more difficult to actually believe that too.”

Shane separated their foreheads again just to be able to look at Ilya properly again. His hands were mindlessly threading through his curls. They fell silent again and Ilya could see the wheels turning in Shane’s head, slowly processing everything that he had just learned. And Ilya let him, needing the quiet himself to process all of his feelings.

“It’s not selfish of you to want to feel better, Ilya.” Shane said after a short while staring at him seriously.

Ilya’s hand came up and wiped one of the silent tears that were still flowing down from Shane’s chin. “It is if I am using you for it.” He smiled sadly. “I am such a mess Shane. I am so broken and so scared of so many things. And I don’t want to infect you with my darkness or use you to cope just because I don’t know any other way. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve this version of me. Shane, you deserve so much more, you are so good and I am not. And… And I don’t want you to ever loose that light inside of you. Because I love you so fucking much it hurts and I don’t know how I ever could be deserving of it.” Ilya was crying again his voice breaking and the words were just bubbling out of him. He wanted to divert his gaze, but Shane didn’t let him, holding his chin firmly in his hands.

“No, that is not true Ilya. Be-because love is not about deserving nor about earning it but about giving. You didn’t have to earn my love, you never had to do anything to deserve it in the first place. We fell in love because you are incredibly talented and funny and make me laugh. You know me better than anyone in my life, know how to handle my ups and downs and I want to do the same thing for you.” Shane stopped his eyes darting around searching for words to explain his thoughts, without releasing Ilya’s chin from his firm but gentle hold. “I love you Ila and I will give it to you, because I want to, I want to love you. And that doesn’t lessen or change because you experienced something that you deem makes you unworthy for love. The thing is nobody is ever unworthy of love or care, that’s simply what everyone deserves.

“And- And I know you might feel broken because you are hurting Ilya. But there is nothing we can’t fix, and if we can’t then at least, we can be scared together for as long as you need to. We can sit here in this mess of pain and hurt together until you feel ready to leave. Because simply having you in my life makes it better. And I want you, even with your darkness, with your shards and broken parts. Because I love you for simply being you, Ilya. With all that it includes, your past, your future and the present. Even the times you are an asshole and checked me on the ice. I still love you way too much because you are the only person I want to play hockey with till the end of our carrier. I give you my love because I can and want to not because it was deserved.”

Shane fell silent after his monologue and swallowed heavily, his eyes focusing on Ilya’s once again.

“God, Shane, I don’t deserve you.” Ilya said hiding his face from view in Shane’s hoodie.

“You need to stop saying that baby.” Shane rubbed his neck soothingly.

Ilya raised his head again curls falling into his forehead which Shane promptly combed back. “I love you.” He told Shane his eyes burning from all these overwhelming emotions.

“I love you too.” Shane said and kissed him slow soft and reassuring.

He pulled back and they settled into a slightly more comfortable position. This time it was Ilya who placed his head onto Shane’s shoulder his arms wrapping tightly around his boyfriend’s waist. They stayed like this for some time the cottage falling silent again. Only Shane’s steady breathing filled the air.

“Have you- have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Shane inquired after a while.

Ilya nodded absentmindedly. “Yeah, I talked to the team psychiatrist about my mother and…and my father. But it’s hard for me to talk about these things especially in English. And especially out loud.”

He hummed and Ilya knew this wasn’t done yet he knew Shane well enough by now to understand when he had formed a plan. “And what if you search for a Russian therapist one you could talk about in a language that is easier for you.”

Ilya stared out of the huge windows of the cottage ruminating on that idea. A Russian therapist was something he had considered before it would certainly be better than the team’s psychiatrist. He sighed instead of answering unsure of what to say.

“Or you could show a therapist these letters and entries and you could start working with this. If talking freely is difficult for you.” Shane suggested and it wasn’t the worst idea, but when Ilya was honest, he never wanted to open these again. Ilya just wanted to forget and be happy with Shane. But apparently things weren’t that easy.

“I just want you to get help. Want you to feel better… because I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. If- if you weren’t in my life anymore. I- You can never die before me do you understand? Because that would destroy me and make you the biggest asshole ever.” Shane told him stabbing his chest with his pointer finger as to underline his point. Tears once again streaming down his face.

Shane suddenly moved from his position next to Ilya and straddled his lap, knees digging into the cushions of the couch.

“Do you understand?” Shane asked his hands resting on Ilyas chest.

“I am a big asshole?” Ilya asked trying to lighten the mood again, but Shane’s expression turned sour a pout drawing his lips shut.

“Ilya-,”

“I understand, I won’t die before you, so I won’t be a bigger asshole than now and think about a possible therapy I see myself going to, okay?” Ilya said his English still a bit jumbled.

Only slightly more pleased Shane nodded slowly. “Fine but you need to tell me if I can help or anything is troubling you, okay?” He held up his hand, pinky finger outstretched waiting for Ilya’s agreement.

He chuckled at the sight of the finger in front of his nose but raised his hand willingly. They intertwined their pinkies and pressed their thumbs together sealing the promise. And then Ilya tugged at Shane’s hand pulling him forward against his chest.

He captured Shane’s lips in a more heated manner. Ilya pulled on Shane’s bottom lip with his teeth asking for more. Willingly Shane parted his lips allowing Ilya to deepen the kiss. Their tongues mingled and Shane sighed into the kiss happily his sour mood apparently nearly forgotten again.

Ilya’s hands rested on Shane’s waist holding him close in his lap. They kissed and the realization settled in Ilya’s chest that Shane was still there, was willing to help him get better, was embracing his parts that had gotten hurt. Shane was still there and a giddy warmth spread in his chest. And just maybe Ilya thought he would never be alone again.

Shane broke the kiss only to pepper more feather light kisses down his jawline to the sensitive place underneath his ear. From there he kissed down his neck sucking a little harder here and there on Ilya’s skin. Shane’s hands wandered from his chest down his abs, and he wrangled them underneath Ilyas hoodie. His fingers traced the soft skin around his navel and then up his abs again, pushing his hoodie up.

Cooler air hit his exposed belly and made Ilya shiver. He raised his arms above his head and Shane freed him from his hoodie. Shane’s hands instantly began touching the newly exposed skin. Tracing Ilya’s moles across his skin, as if he was seeing them for the first time. He outlined his abs with delicate touches.

Ilya’s hands found Shane’s waist again simply holding him there as Shane leaned down and kissed Ilya’s shoulder which had gotten hurt a couple of weeks ago. He kissed his pecks and let his tongue circle Ilya’s nipple as if it was something special and not something he had done a thousand times before. He took one of Ilya’s nipples in his mouth while he twisted the other in his hands. Shane approached this with so much consideration and gentleness that Ilya suddenly felt very fragile in his hold.

Shane changed sides and with the same gentle dedication he wrapped his soft lips around Ilya’s other already perky nipple. His tongue swirling around and his hand once again teasing the other nipple. And Ilya couldn’t help but sigh at the gentle and loving ministrations. He could feel his cock slowly grow harder in his sweatpants, as arousal settled in his abdomen.

Ilya lifted Shane’s sweater at the hem, the need to touch the soft skin of the man in his lap overcoming him. Shane’s skin was warm and familiar as Ilya ran his hands up his back.

“Take it off, please.” Ilya murmured gently. Shane smiled and quickly got rid of his sweater throwing it too somewhere behind him.

Ilya leaned forward his hands coming up behind Shane’s shoulders. Holding him there as he kissed across his chest stopping at Shane’s nipples to tease them with his tongue before he licked a gentle strip across Shane’s abs. Drawing out a pleased sigh from him.

In this newly shifted position, their cocks were slotted directly on top of each other and Ilya could feel Shane grow harder. He threw his head back to look up at Shane who was still trapping his hips between his thighs.

Their gazes locked and Ilya had to swallow from the way Shane’s eyes were brimming with love. His heart clenched and he stretched his neck to reconnect their foreheads.

“I love you so much, Shane.” Ilya whispered already way too close to tears again.

“I love you so much more.” Shane said and a smile played with the corners of his mouth.

“Impossible.” Ilya mumbled back and kissed Shane again.

Whose hands wrapped around Ilya’s bare shoulders and ran up and down his back. Tracing his scars, his fingers light but something inside of Ilya grew heavy. They broke the kiss and just simply held the other’s gaze as Shane continued to caress Ilya’s scars. Some were thicker and harder than others, there his skin tissue had been ripped open again before the old wound had been fully healed. Some were thinner and nearly invisible, but Ilya knew that they were there. Because in the winter they sometimes started to itch, his yearly reminder of what he carried in his back.

Shane traced them with his soft hands and Ilya watched his eyes fill with tears as he realized where they really stemmed from.

“You said they were from a dog attack in your neighbourhood or something and… and the rest- You never said anything Ilya- these scars they…” Shane said plaintive and the first tear dropped from his lashes.

“You couldn’t have changed anything Shane.” Ilya was quick to say, cupping Shane’s cheek with his hand.

“No, but I would’ve known.” Shane said as a sob shook his body. “I would’ve known.” He whispered as he caved in on himself and buried his head in Ilya’s shoulder. Tears dripping down onto Ilya’s skin as quiet sobs shook Shane’s body.

Chapter End Notes

I decided to end this chapter here (I know a little mean) because I felt like this chapter deserves to be heavy. The scene and the feelings deserve their moment to be sat with. So I hope you'll forgive me.

I can't belive that there's only one chapter left but I can promise the smut that was teased here will continue and there will be fluff for the aftercare. <3

Chapter 4: I was scared until you made me love it

Chapter Summary

And I dare to hope now. I dare to dream about what we could be. I dare to want you, Shane Hollander.

Chapter Notes

Hey :)
sorry for the late update. Had to forcefully remove myself from the cottage to lock in for uni. But nonetheless it is done, the last chapter is finished. I can't believe it!

I loved writing those letters from Ilya's perspective and think about how and why he wrote in those journals. I loved exploring this more emotional side from Ilya and force them to have these conversations. But also the physical touches and kisses and of course the sex. So beware smut ahead. ;) It is just that their relationship was and is so centered around sex and this intimacy that it brings that I wanted to include that too in this story.

It was a joy to write this. So thank you for the kudos and reading this! I hope you enjoy this last chapter. :3

“I would’ve known.” Shane mumbled again into Ilya’s bare shoulder body trembling.

Ilya rubbed soothing circles into his skin, pressing his lips onto Shane’s temple. He rocked them back and forth unable to hold still as he sat with the reality that Shane was crying for him. Crying for the things his father had done to him, crying about the things Ilya had stopped himself from feeling and wasting tears on until now.

Shane moved his head from Ilya’s shoulder and crushed their lips together, promptly stopping Ilya’s swaying. The kiss was wet, uncoordinated and desperate. Shane cradled Ilya’s head in between his hands as if he was afraid, he would break right here beneath his weight.

They kissed through the stream of Shane’s tears and Ilya pressed him closer against his body. Their still half hard cocks rubbing against each other creating unexpected friction neither of them had expected. Ilya groaned into the kiss, because their bodies apparently hadn’t gotten the memo that this wasn’t exactly the moment to be aroused.

They stopped kissing and Shane laughed half-heartedly, wiping away his tears.

“Well, this is a little awkward.” Ilya said and a chuckle escaped him at the absurdity of the situation.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Shane said his cheeks flushing red.

With a gentle hand under his chin, Ilya turned Shane’s head back to face him. “It was long ago Shane. They don’t hurt anymore. It’s okay.”

Shane nodded in understanding but the sadness in his eyes did not waver.

“You’ve touched them so many times before.”

“I know, I know.” Shane sighed and his eyes darted across Ilya’s face. “But suddenly everything feels different and I can’t help but question whether someone has hurt you on the parts of you that I am touching. Or whether you have hurt yourself there and I-,”

Shane didn’t get to finish his sentence before Ilya took his hand and kissed it gently. Ilya then guided Shane’s hand towards his recently hurt shoulder. Resting it on top of it. “Okay, then touch me, Shane. Because every time I feel your fingers on my skin, all I can think about is how much I love you. When you touch me, I am not hurting and it almost feels like I never have before. Like you can reverse the damage on my skin. So please stop worrying Shane.” His other hand cupped Shane’s cheek tenderly caressing his still wet skin.

Ilya guided Shane’s hand across his chest and down his left arm. He moved his hand up his abs again and let go when he couldn’t guide Shane further over his shoulder. Shane’s eyes were wide and shining with this soft light and Ilya nodded reassuringly, urging him to move, to touch. Their eyes were locked as Shane let his hands glide down Ilya’s back. Tracing those same scars once again. A shiver ran down Ilya’s bare back at the tender touches Shane regarded his scars.

There was still a deep-rooted sadness in those beautiful brown eyes but no more fear of hurting Ilya. Shane let his hands rub across Ilya’s back growing steadily more confident. There was so much care and love plastered on Shane’s pretty face, in the way his eyes tracked Ilya’s reaction to his touch and in his touch itself that it made Ilya’s heart swell.

He smiled up at Shane and could feel tears of his own collect in the corners of his eyes. “See it’s all good.”

Shane gulped and their gazes met once more. He dipped his head forward and kissed Ilya tenderly. Not removing his hands from Ilya’s scars but covering them with his hands as if he wanted to dispel all the hurt that they had once caused. Ilya kissed back equally as soft as not to break whatever fragile thing had settled between them.

They broke apart and Shane’s eyes were once again shimmering with emotions. “I love you.” He whispered voice thick and connected their lips again this time more heated than before. Ilya parted his lips willingly to deepen the kiss and his hands once again settled on Shane’s hips. His thumbs brushing over hot skin.

Shane slowly slid his hands back up Ilya’s back to wind his fingers back into Ilya’s curls. Tugging his head back slightly for a better angle. Ilya sighed into the kiss and let himself fall back into the cushions of the couch. Pulling Shane forward with him their erections once again rubbing against the other. Earning him a surprised groan from Shane who broke the kiss abruptly. He stared down at Ilya with hunger in his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

Ilya smirked back and moved his hands from Shane’s hips down to cup and squeeze his ass cheeks. And Shane wet his bottom lip before he leaned down and attacked Ilya’s neck with kisses. Shane nibbled his way down from Ilya’s earlobe to the sensitive skin on his collarbone and Ilya sucked in a breath. Shane’s black hair tickling his face. He squeezed Shane’s ass once again causing Shane to move forward and increase the friction on their cocks once more.

“Shane,” he moaned breathlessly into Shane’s hair who stopped his ministrations to Ilya’s skin and straightened up to meet Ilya’s gaze.

And only then did he roll his hips experimentally, trapping Ilya’s hips between his thighs. Creating the most beautiful friction on Ilya’s achingly hard cock. Shane rolled his hips again and it made them both moan in pleasure.

Ilya arched up from the couch and captured Shane’s plush lips in another kiss. He groaned into the kiss when Shane rocked his hips again. Pleasure was pooling in his abdomen, and he was sure that they both were already leaking.

Ilya pulled away from Shane to meet his lustful gaze and whisper into the space between their bodies, “I love you, Shane.”

“I love you too.” Followed by another snap of Shane’s hips. They moaned into an open mouth kiss.

“Please touch me.” Ilya murmured breathlessly in between little kisses he was leaving on Shane’s neck.

But Shane stilled just for a second and Ilya promptly withdrew from kissing Shane. He met Shane’s gaze, trying to reassure him that it was okay that he wouldn’t break that easily.

Shane gave him a warm smile and placed his hands on Ilya’s chest. He teased Ilya’s nipples by ghosting around them before he pinched them. Drawing out a sigh from Ilya. Shane rolled them in between his fingers and Ilya could feel his cock twitch in his sweatpants. Shane twisted them once more until they were perky.

He let his hands travel down Ilya’s abs tracing his muscles which flexed underneath the touch. Shane traced Ilya’s happy trail until he finally cupped his erection through the fabric of Ilya’s pants. He threw his head back onto the backrest moaning from pleasure, as Shane squeezed his cock once more.

He retracted his hand and quickly wrangled it inside Ilya’s pants and freed his leaking cock. Ilya sighed at the touch and returned the favour impatiently freeing Shane’s cock, which was equally as wet as his own. Earning him a satisfied groan from Shane.

The heads of their cocks were touching, and it send a bolt of pleasure through Ilya’s body. Shane moved forward slightly and their dicks rubbed against each other. And without any warning Shane wrapped his hand around them both, squeezing them against each other creating perfect friction.

“Fuck just like that Shane.” Ilya moaned and removed one of his hands from Shane’s ass to pull him into another hard kiss, drawing a satisfying moan out of Shane.

Shane started stroking their cocks together, it was dry, despite their precome and a little rough but exactly what Ilya needed. He tugged on Shane’s hand who looked at him surprised but followed Ilya’s tug and brought his hand up underneath his mouth. Ilya spat on his hand before Shane lowered his hand again. He spread the spit and precome a little around their cocks and resumed his stroking.

“Fuck, Ilya.” Shane moaned and kissed Ilya wildly as he sped up his strokes. And Ilya couldn’t help but buck up into Shane’s hand, desperately seeking even more friction.

They were panting and moaning their foreheads touching. Ilya could feel the pleasure accumulate in his stomach ready to burst and judging by the hectic strokes Shane gave their cocks he was too.

Ilya urged forwards and connected their lips in a messy open mouth kiss. “I love you, Ilya. I love you so much.” Shane muttered against Ilya’s lips drawing out breathless sighs from him.

Ilya was bucking his hips up and Shane’s strokes grew sloppy and frantic and fuck Ilya was close.

“Ya lyublyu tebya.” He said against Shane’s lips and could feel tears burn behind his eyes with how much he loved Shane.

“Ya lyublyu tebya.” Shane babbled back and Ilya came in hot white spurts all over their stomachs moaning Shane’s name. Shane followed close behind coating his hand and their bellies in even more cum.

They panted as they let their orgasms rock through their bodies. Shane caved in on himself and nuzzled into Ilya’s neck. And Ilya wrapped his arms around him holding him close as they let the aftershock wear off.

“I love you.” Ilya said and kissed Shane’s temple.

“I love you.” Shane said back and Ilya felt lighter than he had ever before. Shane was in his arms and still loved him, he was still there nothing had changed besides that he now knew Ilya’s deepest darkest secrets and wounds. And Ilya had never thought that being vulnerable could feel so good, could reward him with something so fulfilling. Could make him so happy.

They were cuddling on the couch Ilya slightly snoring in Shane’s arms. They hadn’t bothered with getting dressed again and had instead just wrapped themselves into the blankets after cleaning up. Shane was carding his hand through Ilya’s curls staring out of the big windows of the living room. His mind was racing and at the same time oddly quiet. It was strange, everything about the past day had been strange.

Shane had always thought that he knew Ilya pretty well. And he probably did considering everyone else’s view and knowledge on the man in his arms. But in comparison on how much Ilya knew about him, his understanding of Ilya paled. And now he had been presented with so much information that Shane didn’t know what do to with it. That he didn’t exactly know what Ilya wanted him to do with it, if he expected Shane to treat him differently.

He sighed and pressed a soft kiss on top of Ilya’s curls. Shane watched the clouds wander across the blue sky above the lake. As the heavy feeling settled back in his chest and the wish that he could’ve been there for Ilya took over once again.

Because every time Ilya had written his name it felt like he was calling out to him from the deepest depths of his own personal hell. Like he was screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to listen or to notice, how bad he was doing. For Shane to notice and for someone to help. Shane knew he couldn’t have changed anything back then, because Ilya hadn’t let him in, hadn’t told him. At least not in a language Shane would’ve been able to understand.

And he felt guilty for a lot of things but at the same time a new understanding of Ilya settled in place.

“You’re thinking very loud.” Ilya mumbled against Shane’s bare chest and soft hot lips pressed against Shane’s neck.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.” Shane apologized rubbing the back of Ilya’s neck.

“No, it’s fine.” Ilya yawned, “Didn’t expect to be able to take a nap.” He admitted and shifted slightly under the blanket, Ilya’s hand coming up to cup Shane’s cheek. Effectively pulling Shane’s face closer to his and kissing the corners of Shane’s lips softly.

“What are you thinking about?” Ilya asked as he traced his freckles, making it hard to focus on what he had been ruminating about.

“It’s just that-,” he paused when Ilya’s pointer finger traced his cupids bow making him smile involuntarily. “I think back then I always questioned why you didn’t like talking about your family, about Russia, about your home. And I mean I figured things out very slowly. But- but never the whole picture.”

Ilya nodded his hand absentmindedly playing with Shane’s earlobe.

“And I am sorry for always bringing it up. But I thought family and home were safe topics to talk about. Easy topics to talk about. And well they were for me-,” Shane stopped unsure where he wanted to go with this train of thoughts.

“I- all I wanted all these years was to understand you. Was to be close to you and now I can’t help but feel like I am the reason you can’t go home- no that’s not the right word…” Shane sighed and clamped his eyes shut to overwhelmed with his own mind unable to form sentences that made sense. When he opened them again, he was met with gentle hazel eyes, shining with love and a deep-rooted sadness that made his heart clench.

“I just wish there could be a way for you to go back to your mother’s grave. I wish there was a way that I could meet her.” Shane finally said carding his hands through Ilya’s curls watching the sadness grow in those hazel eyes. Tears were collecting on Ilya’s waterline as he sucked in a heavy breath.

“It’s okay.” Ilya said his voice thick with sadness. “She will forgive me for not visiting her grave because I got out. I got out of the country that killed her and out of what tried to kill me. She will forgive me because I found my happiness here with you. All she wanted for me was to be happy and loved and here I am both.”

And for a short moment Shane’s heart stopped beating as the weight of Ilya’s words settled on his chest. He could feel his own tears swell up in the back of his throat.

“Here I am home and safe. She will understand.” Ilya said his voice nothing more than a whisper when the first tears fell from the corner of his eyes. “I wish you could have met her.” He got out his voice breaking as the first sobs shook his body once more.

“Yeah, me too.” Shane said and tightened his hold around Ilya pulling him even closer against him as his own tears began spilling from his eyes. He could feel Ilya’s tears on his skin, could feel his erratic breathing and the shivers that ran down his back.

Shane rubbed soothing circles into Ilya’s skin as they both just let their tears fall. Like they had done a lot in the past day. Ilya pressed sniffling kisses onto his collarbone and neck and Shane in return pressed wet kisses onto his crown and forehead.

Ilya raised his head when he had calmed down and his curls fell into his face. Causing a smile to tug on Shane’s lips with how adorable he looked like that. Gently he brushed them out of his face.

“You know-,” Ilya began his voice raspy. “When you had your accident back then… the way you laid on the ice reminded me of how I found her.” He admitted and Shane could feel the crushing weight return to his chest.

“I don’t think I ever told you that, but I was so afraid. So afraid seeing you like that.” His voice grew quiet towards the end. And Shane swallowed as he watched Ilya shift and reach out towards the shoe carton. He procured another notebook this one with a checkerboard cover. Slowly Ilya settled next to Shane again, his head resting on Shane’s chest as he flipped through the notebook. And Shane’s heart was steadily growing heavy and familiar dread pooled in his stomach as it always did when Ilya was searching for another entry to read to him. Because regardless of how much Shane tried to prepare for the words on those pages he never quite succeeded.

2017, Montreal

“You know,” Shane was the first to speak again. “I was so happy that day. So excited to play against you and to see you afterwards. I was also very nervous to ask you to come to the cottage. I had a whole set up and food and drinks-,”

“Of course you had. I expected nothing less from you.” Ilya said smiling as he looked up through his lashes at Shane.

“Ey-,” Shane exclaimed and playfully shoved at Ilya, who stayed put on top of him unmoving. “And then we played really good hockey, and you already knew my front door code. And- and everything was going to plan and then suddenly it was not anymore.”

Ilya hummed and tightened his hold around Shane’s waist, disregarding the notebook beside them.

“My head was hurting and I don’t know how much of the words I actually got out but I wanted to tell the paramedics to tell you that I was okay. I wanted them to inform you about my state because I knew you were going to worry. Because I didn’t want you to worry not after everything you had been going through back then. I presume they didn’t get that message.” Shane went quiet for a second. “Or they didn’t know why they should tell my rival about my health.” He let out a dry laugh and buried his nose in Ilya’s curls inhaling his scent.

“I am sorry.” He mumbled into the blond curls.

“No, I am sorry.” Ilya said instead and moved his head back to meet Shane’s gaze. “I can’t believe that I ever thought that breaking this thing off would solve anything. I am sorry that I was so afraid of these feelings. But eternally grateful that you were braver than I. I am also sorry that I didn’t agree right away to come with you.” He stretched his neck and placed a soft kiss onto Shane’s lips.

“I wanted it so bad but didn’t allow myself to have it. Because I knew that if I did, if we did, we couldn’t go back to how it was before. And I was afraid that it would ruin this or be the cause why I would lose you. But I wanted it, I wanted those two weeks with you because the other option would’ve been going back to Russia.”

Shane’s heart tightened at the thought of after everything Ilya would’ve had to return to Russia that summer. That he would’ve been in the same lonely home, that he would’ve drank to forget, would’ve fought with his brother until it would’ve been time to return to America for the next season. Shane could see all of that so vividly and was once more, glad that things hadn’t come to that.

“I wanted it too. I mean you know that those are the only truly free weeks of the year and I wanted you there. For once I wanted to have time with you. I wanted to talk with you; I wanted to relax and well fuck. But most of all I wanted to wake up and see that you were still there in my favourite place in the whole world.” Shane said and could hear that his own voice had gone mellow.

Ilya just nodded in agreement. “You know that before I agreed to come here for the first time. I was actively packing for my return to Russia. And with every item I packed I wished that my destination would look different. But I was scared. God, Shane I was always so scared to fuck up, to want, to hope. I was so scared that I couldn’t allow myself any of that.”

“Mhm, I was scared too.” Shane admitted and carded his fingers through Ilya’s curls. “And then Scott Hunter came along…”

“Yeah, who would’ve thought that the old man would be the first to change things.” Ilya said his voice lighter now. He turned to his side searching for the discarded notebook behind his back. But Shane was faster and grabbed it before Ilya could dangling it in front of his nose.

Ilya chuckled and plucked it out of the air and quickly skimmed the pages in search for the entry that was the start of change.

2017, Boston

Ilya smiled up at Shane and Shane’s heart melted, with how much he loved the man in his arms. With how much he still wanted him. “Do you still want me?” Shane couldn’t help but ask, he wanted Ilya to say it again.

Ilya closed the notebook and threw it somewhere besides them on the couch. He pushed up and towered over Shane, his hands pressing into the cushions besides Shane’s head. “I will always want you, Shane Hollander.” Ilya’s hand came up gently cupped Shane’s cheek, his hazel eyes tracing every inch of Shane’s face, his thumb mindlessly brushing his skin. “Now maybe more than ever. Because I get to have you in every way I want and I am a greedy man you know.”

His eyes flickered up at the last statement meeting Shane’s gaze, and they were soft and so loving that Shane had to swallow against the lump that was forming in his throat. Ilya’s hand moved from Shane’s cheek down to his lips, he traced them slowly before he slightly pulled at his bottom lip, asking for entrance. Shane willingly parted his lips, and Ilya dipped his thumb inside Shane’s mouth. He let his tongue swirl around the thumb taking it deeper inside his mouth before he started sucking on it. Ilya’s breath hitched audibly and his eyes started to sparkle with this barely disguised hunger that made need thrum through Shane’s veins.

Ilya removed his thumb and let his hand travel down further, towards Shane’s neck. With gentle touches he traced his throat and down Shane’s sternum, sending shivers down his exposed back. He could already feel himself growing hard again. Ilya dragged his hand over his abs and down to his half hard cock, palming him through his sweatpants. Shane groaned at the warm pressure arching his back in want.

“I am so very greedy, Shane.” Ilya said his voice muted. “Because I want you all for myself. I want you to be mine alone, because even the thought of someone else getting to see you like this, love you like this makes me sick to my stomach.” A single tear slipped from Ilya’s lashes and landed on Shane’s chin.

Shane moved his hands up and cupped Ilya’s face, who dropped his face into the gentle hold. His eyes fluttering shut for just a moment. “I am all yours Ilya. I have always been yours because simply nothing compared to what I feel with you. I will always be yours, if you stay mine?” He said slowly bringing their foreheads together.

“I am yours Shane, for as long as you’ll have me and beyond. Because my heart is yours and yours to keep.” Ilya smiled as another tear dropped from his eyes. Shane wiped it away as he leaned up to connect their mouths. Their lips moved against each other gently and lovingly. And it made Shane’s stomach twist with butterflies.

Ilya pulled away ever so slightly their lips brushing against each other as they panted. “I love you Ilya.” Shane said his thumb softly brushing away another tear that slipped down Ilya’s cheeks.

“I love you too.” And then Ilya kissed him again more passionately than before. He slipped his tongue inside Shane’s mouth who sighed as they deepened the kiss. Ilya’s tongue explored his mouth, and the delicate touches steadily grew heated.

Teasingly Ilya squeezed Shane’s hardening cock through his pants causing him to groan at the sudden attention. And Ilya just victoriously smiled into the kiss. He kissed downs Shane’s chin down his chest to his pecks, there Ilya scrapped his teeth across his skin before he wrapped his hot mouth around his nipples. Tongue expertly lapping on his nipple sending pleasure right towards his cock. Which was still held in Ilya’s big hand. Ilya changed his attention to the other nipple and Shane sighed happily.

Ilya kissed down further removing his hand from besides Shane’s head to place them onto his hips. He placed wet kisses down his happy trail and then promptly freed Shane from his pants. His cock sprang free and Shane gasped surprised as he watched the blond throw his pants to somewhere behind him.

Hunger had returned to Ilya’s eyes which were now fully focused on Shane’s cock. He shivered slightly under this undivided attention, as he watched Ilya take all of him in. He had never seen his boyfriend so intently take in all of his body and Shane had to fight the urge to hide himself.

Ilya sat back on his heels his eyes raking over Shane’s body like he was the most beautiful and precious thing he had ever seen. Shane swallowed trying his best to be patient.

“Ilya, sweetheart?” He asked after a while worried that something was wrong because Ilya had made no move on touching him.

Ilya met his gaze and his eyes were soft and shining with a gentle light that tugged at Shane’s heart.

“I somehow still can’t believe that you’re still right here. Right here next to me after hearing all of this, after seeing all of me. I- I didn’t think that was possible. I somehow always thought that once I show you…you would decide it was too much for you. That you might leave me too. I never thought I would get to have you like this again after I showed you these darkest secrets.” He smiled sadly at Shane.

“What made you think I’d leave?” He whispered back, the weight suddenly once again all to present. And Shane didn’t know how much more emotional whiplash he could take.

“I don’t know, my life probably.”

“Oh, Ilya.” His voice broke and he just reached out to Ilya beckoning him closer again. The distance between their bodies suddenly felt so jarring. So big and Shane needed to know him close again.

Ilya promptly moved closer tangling their hands. Shane brought them up to his lips and kissed his knuckles. His other hand pulled Ilya down on top of him, overcome by the need to feel his familiar body weight on top of him. Shane’s bare cock rubbing against Ilya’s sweatpants.

“I am right here Ilya.” Shane whispered into Ilya’s ear. “I won’t leave.”

Ilya squeezed his hand and his eyes shimmered with something new. Something equally as soft and it looked almost like gratitude. “Okay.” He whispered in response his Russian accent thicker than before.

Shane squeezed Ilya’s hand back in response and reassurance. “I am right here. So can you now please suck my dick?”

Which earned him a surprised laugh, genuine and bright and it was like honey for his ears. Shane loved hearing Ilya laugh it filled his chest with so much joy that he felt like he could explode.

“So impatient and so needy for my mouth, hmm?” Ilya responded the corner of his eyes crinkled from amusement.

“Well, you were the one who was talking about how much you wanted me and now you’re not going to do anything about that?” Shane rolled his eyes playfully watching how another big smile spread on Ilya’s lips.

“Oh, you have no idea Shane Hollander, how much I want you.”

“How about you show me then?” Shane said and was promptly rewarded by Ilya moving back down to his cock.

He leaned down and placed a kiss on Shane’s left knee; Ilya worked his way up closer to Shane’s erection by peppering his thigh with kisses and licks. His hot breath ghosted over Shane’s cock causing it to twitch.

“Please, Ilya.” Shane panted out needy for friction and Ilya’s attention.

Who promptly complied placing a tender kiss on the head of Shane’s cock, drawing out a moan from Shane. Ilya licked a long strip down his shaft to his base, teasing Shane further. He nuzzled his base and cupped Shane’s balls gently with his hand, causing Shane to arch his back in pleasure.

Pleased with Shane’s reaction he kissed his way back up to take the head of Shane’s cock into his mouth. His breath stuttered at the sudden wet warmth of Ilya’s mouth, his hands helplessly grasping at the blanket for support. Ilya expertly swirled his tongue around his head as he slowly took more of Shane’s cock into his mouth.

“F-fuck, Ilya.” Shane groaned and threw his head back into the pillows at the pleasure that spread in his abdomen. Ilya hummed affirmatively around Shane’s cock, the vibrations sending pleasure straight to his hole. And suddenly Shane was filled with an entirely different need. Suddenly having Ilya suck him off didn’t seem good enough anymore. He needed him close, as close as possible inside of him.

Ilya bopped his head up and down, his tongue adding extra friction. Rapidly pleasure was building in the pit of his abdomen at how great Ilya was sucking him.

“Ilya I-,” Shane got out before he interrupted himself with another moan, as Ilya tongued his slit. But the blond stopped his ministrations at Shane’s interference to look up at Shane, his gold crucifix dangling around his neck.

“What is it, Shane?” He asked concern flickering in his eyes as he wiped away the spit from his mouth.

“I- I need you. I need you inside of me.” Shane begged and saw how Ilya’s eyes darkened with lust. “Please...” He added and Ilya leaned over to the coffee table quickly procuring some lube.

With practiced movements he squirted some lube on his fingers and warmed it up before he brought his fingers down to Shane’s hole. Shane willingly spread his legs apart offering Ilya better access. Ilya carefully traced his entrance spreading lube around the rim before he pushed in with one finger. Drawing out another sigh from Shane who extended his hand to Ilya to tangle their hands once more.

Ilya squeezed his hand before he retracted his finger again and pushed in once more. Shane released a breath and focused on relaxing his lower half to make it easier for Ilya to open him up. After a short while Ilya added a second digit working Shane open while avoiding his prostate. Making Shane squirm and buck his hips wordlessly asking for more. But the only response was a chuckle from Ilya who just squeezed his hand once more. The blond leaned forwards and kissed Shane’s chest, while he continued to scissor him open.

Momentarily distracted by the kisses on his chest Shane belatedly realized that Ilya had removed his fingers, leaving him clenching around nothing. He whined at the loss as Ilya straightened up again to pour more lube onto his fingers. And when Ilya inserted his fingers again, he added another digit. Making Shane moan in pleasure at the slight burn of the stretch at finally being filled properly.

Ilya stilled for a second letting him adjust slightly and Shane squeezed his hand as a sign to continue his ministrations. Ilya thrusted his three fingers inside of Shane reducing him to a moaning mess.

“S-so g-good-,” Shane stammered out. “Pl-pleas-uh, Ilya.” He clamped his eyes shut as Ilya curled his finger inside of him and hit his prostate for the first time. And he could feel precome dribble out of his cock and onto his stomach.

“Fuck Shane-,” Ilya groaned out and removed his fingers from inside of him. Leaving him once more to clench around nothing.

He watched with parted lips how Ilya quickly got rid of his own pants and then lathered his hard cock with lube. Ilya gently spread Shane’s legs further and positioned himself behind Shane. He slowly pressed in and Shane threw his head back into the pillows at the feeling of Ilya filling him out.

Ilya leaned forward his crucifix hitting Shane’s chin as he crushed their lips together. Shane tangled his hands in Ilya’s curls as he adjusted to the size of Ilya’s cock inside of him. “You feel so good around me.” Ilya said into the kiss, pulling gently on Shane’s bottom lip

“Can I move?” Ilya asked voice soft as he once more studied Shane’s face this time searching for any signs of discomfort.

“Yes.” Shane answered drinking in the sight of Ilya on top of him, inside of him and all around him. It was like he was the only thing that existed and Shane wanted it to never stop.

Ilya didn’t move immediately he took his time to take in Shane’s expression, his half-lidded eyes, rosy cheeks and parted lips. Took a moment to ground himself in the touch of Shane’s hands carding through his curls and the tightness of his hole around his cock.

He connected their lips in a less crushing kiss and slowly rolled his hips. Causing a bolt of pleasure to run down Shane’s spine, drawing out another moan. Gently Ilya thrusted into Shane to get him used to his cock inside of him. With every thrust he pulled out further until he bottomed out and started to fuck Shane properly, causing Shane to gasp into the kiss and tighten his latch on Ilya’s curls. He sped up his thrusts and groaned at the pleasure that spread in his stomach.

Ilya watched Shane throw his head back in pleasure, watched the way his eyes fluttered shut and watched how Shane leaned in closer at every touch of his. He watched Shane’s Adam apple bop whenever he moaned and let the sound wash over him spurring on the warmth that bloomed in his chest. Ilya focused on Shane’s hands in his hair, his clenching around his cock and his soft lips. And it felt like he was experiencing it all for the first time again. It all felt new, soft and delicate. He felt himself getting lost in the rhythm and sounds Shane was making, wanting him to never stop.

“I love you, Shane.” He mumbled into the open mouth kiss and Shane sighed happily.

“I love you too, Ilya.” Shane replied his voice hoarse and pupils dilated with pleasure. And still they were shining with this light, so gentle so loving that Ilya felt a simple I love you was not enough to name what they had. Like he needed to invent a whole new word to capture how much the man underneath him meant to him.

He picked up Shane’s right leg to change the angle, to fuck Shane even deeper, to be even closer to the man he loved. This change of position made them both moan in pleasure. Breathlessly Shane was arching of the couch, and Ilya knew he was hitting his prostate with every thrust.

“Please Ilya-,” Shane begged his nails digging into Ilya’s neck in bliss.

And Ilya wrapped his hand around Shane’s twitching cock and Shane moaned incoherent things almost sending Ilya over the edge just by watching how much Shane enjoyed it. Ilya stroked him in time with his thrust, fast and tight, because Ilya too was close.

It only took a couple more thrusts and timed strokes to hurl Shane over the edge. He came with Ilya’s name on his lips, his body spasming around Ilya’s cock and painting their stomachs white with cum. Ilya thrusted into Shane once more feeling him clench around his cock and shudder through his orgasm and that was enough to make Ilya come as well. Spilling his load deep inside Shane as he panted out Shane’s name.

Their lips found each other on their own accord, it was messy and uncoordinated as they panted through the aftermaths of their orgasms. Ilya slowly let down Shane’s leg, and they both adjusted into a more comfortable position. He felt his heart hammering against his ribs as if it wanted to jump right out.

They stayed like this for some time, Ilya buried deep inside Shane and kissing slowly while calming down from their highs.

“I love you.” Shane sighed into the kiss. Blissed out he stared at Ilya like he was the whole world.

Ilya gulped overcome with emotions and whispered back, “I love you.”

A light fuzzy feeling spread in his chest and the realisation settled in that he was finally home, without hiding anything. His secrets were out in the open instead of hidden in the dark. And Ilya had never felt so free, so loved and so at peace than he did right then and there with Shane in his arms. Ilya simply held him in his arms, the only person he had ever loved and would love till the end of time. And Shane cradled him back on their couch in their favourite place in the world.

Chapter End Notes

Thank you for reading and I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments! :3

Ah and one last thing the chapter titles are taken from the song Free Now by Gracie Abrams.

It's a pain that I caught you at a bad time
It's a shame that I memorized your outline
You were straight up with me, you were so kind
But I knew what you knew, honey, great minds
It was harsh 'cause I lost what I wanted
I was brave when I kissed you in London
We're collateral here, man, we got hit
Hope you find somewhere safe for your baggage
Every page that I wrote, you were on it
Feel you deep in my bones, you're the current
And I showed no restraint, it was something
I was scared until you made me love it