Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes November 2016 ESPN @ESPN Video leaked of Boston Raiders player Cliff Marleau (@CMarleauRaiders) taking a nighttime tumble down the infamous Boston "cop slide." Attached video: [Description: Video focuses on slide, only illuminated dimly by some nearby streetlights. Bangs and muffled curses heard for a few seconds before Marleau appears from the tunnel, on his stomach with his hands out to try to catch his fall as he shoots out onto the ground. Quiet snickering is heard from behind the camera as the person recording takes a few steps back and continues to film as Marleau pushes himself to his hands and knees and turns his head to glare. "You're such a [bleeped] [bleeped]," he says as he stands, reaching towards the camera as the person filming begins to laugh harder before the video cuts off.] City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial @CMarleauRaiders @BostonRaidersOfficial As a reminder to all, the slide in the Boston City Hall Plaza is made for children from ages 5 to 12, and should not be used by adults. Signage is posted around the structure indicating this rule. Cliff Marleau @CMarleauRaiders sorry boston. won't happen again Boston Raiders @BostonRaidersOfficial For the record, we discourage our players from taking physical risks on and off the ice, and advise our fans to obey all stated guidelines for the use of Boston public spaces. Boston Raiders @BostonRaidersOfficial Cliff Marleau is not injured and will be playing in the upcoming Boston vs. Montreal home game tomorrow night. EM @masshole21 so…….what i'm hearing is,,, cop slide safe ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 what I'M hearing is, if i go to the cop slide at like midnight on a tuesday there's a chance i could run into a hot russian or a 6'3" tank of a hockey player who could crack me in half like a glowstick. either way i'm there hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever okay so i'm not the only one who thought that sounded like rozy laughing from behind the camera?? ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 oh no, absolutely 100% him. in fact, to go further, i'm like 1000% certain he dared marley to go on that death trap beau @hotelcuckchair headcanon accepted ... Text Thread: Shane & Hayden Hayden: where did you go? Hayden: pleaseeee tell me you didn't ditch us for boston lily again. you already saw her yesterday. we're celebrating!!! boston raiders eat it! Shane: Sorry man, just headed out. Couldn't find you to say goodbye. Tired from the game. And early flight tomorrow. Hayden: aw fuck. jj just had the greatest idea!! Shane: ??? Hayden: SLIDE Shane: Fuck, Hayd. No. Hayden: if shithead marleau can do it, so can i Shane: Seriously? Are we twelve? Please don't. Shane: Hayden?? Shane: It's not safe man, especially not since you've been drinking. ... Text Thread: Shane & JJ Shane: JJ please don't go on the slide and don't let Hayden go. You know how much of a lightweight he is. He's totally drunk right now, and it's off limits for a reason. Shane: Just because Marleau did it and didn't get hurt doesn't mean we should, especially with our spot in the playoffs precarious as it is. That's the competition we should be worried about. JJ: sorry, capitaine. we will be safe, i promise. no one gets hurt. have a good sleep! Shane: Fuck. ... Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike slides are for kids. slides are for kids. slides are for kids Jacki Pike @JackiPike35 Is this something I'm going to be pissed at you about when you get home? Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike i love you?? ... Text Thread: Shane & Jacki Jacki: What's the damage? Shane: It's not that bad all things considered. Just a few bruises. It's more the hangover that's making him feel like shit I think. Shane: The real damage is that the Metros have to pay for Boston to disinfect the slide. Jacki: Disinfect?? Shane: Apparently he threw up all the way down. Jacki: Oh god. Shane: Yeah. Management isn't happy. ... City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial The area around the slide in Boston City Hall Plaza will be closed to the public today for biohazard cleanup. We ask people to please be mindful and work to preserve our public spaces. Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Uh. Whatcha get up to last night @MontrealMetrosOfficial? Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister whatever it was, sounds like @RealHaydenPike had fun Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike i definitely did not JJ Dagenais @JJDagenais sorry boston. will probably happen again City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial We would deeply appreciate if it doesn't. Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer On behalf of my team, I'd like to apologize to Boston for the inconvenience and damage to city property. We will all strive to be more respectful of visiting cities in future. ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 oh please don't. i hate the metros with a fiery passion but still, this is the most entertained i've been in months EM @masshole21 seconded Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 LOL as if anyone believes our own hometown Ottawa-raised Good Christian Boy (affectionate) Shane Hollander had anything to do with this anyway Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister yeah, love you shane, but this has chaos machine dagenais written all over it. i doubt you could stop anything if you tried babygirl January 2017 Text Thread: Ilya & Cliff Marleau Ilya: I have had idea 😈 Marley: you're in a better mood. all stars going well? Ilya: Yes. Very well. Ilya: I have been talking to other players. Marley: ??? Ilya: Telling them about Boston landmark. Marley: shit, brother. the league is gonna be so pissed after what happened with pike Ilya: If others are better than stupid Canadian boy at holding liquor, it won't be problem for league Marley: 😂 February 2017 hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever uhhhh why does it seem like all the visiting teams recently are already a little beat up even before playing boston? is there a fight club we should know about?? hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever like i looked at their previous games and found no reason. not that i'm complaining if it's helping us win but…..??? ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 omg someone finally said it. i've been wondering about this. dallas fuckhead kent was playing like shit last week, like he was holding his stick all weird and not shooting with as much force, like maybe his wrist was sprained or something? EM @masshole21 no complaints on that complete waste of cum being hurt if that's the case #gobostonhockeyfightclub beau @hotelcuckchair agreed. #gobostonhockeyfightclub March 2017 City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial Reminder to obey posted signage warnings of the use of public spaces. The city cannot be held responsible for injuries from misuse of public property. beau @hotelcuckchair @rozanov81forever @raidersfangirl26 @masshole21 we don't think….? EM @masshole21 oh fuck. yes. we definitely think hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever OH. this makes so much sense. this is so funny what ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 HEADCANON ACCEPTED ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 this just in: boston hockey fight club is actually just a bunch of NHL players deciding to go down the boston cop slide as some kind of dare?? more at 6 hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever i don't know how, but i know rozanov is involved in this somehow beau @hotelcuckchair oh, absolutely. he can goad a player into anything on the ice, that's gotta translate off the ice as well. ragebaiter supreme has to be responsible for all of this EM @masshole21 god this is why we can't ever lose that man. nevermind being born in russia, he's a true masshole at heart hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever hear, hear April 2017 Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike hey…remember when i said slides are for kids? some of you didn't get the memo clearly. so i'm gonna say it louder this time: SLIDES ARE FOR KIDS. we get enough concussions without this, too Attached screenshot of email: [From: safety@nhl.com Subject: Boston Slide NHL Players: It has come to our attention that there have been many recent incidents with the infamous slide in Boston's City Hall Plaza in recent months, where our visiting hockey players have received minor to moderate injuries going down said slide. We have been contacted about this by the Boston city Mayor's office with pleas to discourage players from going on the slide. There's clear signage indicating the slide is not made for adults, and there was an incident last November where a team in the league was forced to pay for the slide to be disinfected, which we'd like to avoid happening again. Thank you.] Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Not sure you're supposed to screenshot and share the emails we get, but yes. No more concussions than needed, please, guys. I have one right now, and it's not fun. Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike are you supposed to be on your phone? Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer No. Leave me alone, I'm bored. Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike i'm telling yuna on you Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister i think it's the funniest thing in the world that @RealHaydenPike started a trend and is now trying to backtrack. also mama's boy shane hollander confirmed, as if we needed it Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Agreed. And @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer so glad you're doing better but stay off your phone, sir! We need you next season without brain damage, please and thank you!!! ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 @dagenaisforprimeminister ummm excuse me but hayden pike (derogatory) did not start this trend. @CMarleauRaiders did. put some respect on his name Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister the guy who fucked my captain up? no way does he get any respect put on his name. and @RealHaydenPike is the one who somehow made it so that the slide needed to be disinfected so he's the real hero anyway Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike this is not the legacy i want ... Text Thread: Ilya & Cliff Marleau Marley: see the email? Roz: 😂 Marley: you wanna go? Roz: Definitely yes. Much more now. Marley: i'll text connors, too [later] Roz: You tell no one about this. Tell Connors same. Marley: what did you tell the team doctor? sex injury? Roz: Fuck off. October 2017 NHL Social @NHLSocialUnofficial New season, new shenanigans. New York Admirals team captain Scott Hunter (@ScottHunterAdmirals) posts video of teammate Carter Vaughn (@CarterVaughnAdmirals) going down the famous Boston slide. Vaughn's nose is reportedly broken. Carter Vaughn @CarterVaughnAdmirals the rest of me is fine 😉 City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial We'd again like to remind the hockey players in the NHL that the slide in our public plaza was not built for adults, as such injuries sustained on it can prove. beau @hotelcuckchair @CityofBostonOfficial you're fighting a losing battle here hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever when even was the boston cop slide built. i feel like it's so deep in the lore now that i don't even know beau @hotelcuckchair been here since prehistoric times. no one knows who built it hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever wait really EM @masshole21 lily i love you but you need to stop believing anything beau says, he's full of shit 99.99% of the time beau @hotelcuckchair 😇 hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever ugh y'all are ableist and i hate you /affectionate ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 lollll and this entire time google has been free hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever oh. yeah. ... Text Thread: Jane & Lily Jane: Why are Koyla and Miitka saying you promised that if any player can go down the Boston slide and not get hurt, you'll throw the game in their team's favor? Lily: 😂 Jane: Please fucking tell me you didn't actually say that. Lily: If I did I do not remember. And of course I would not actually do that. Jane: I cannot believe you. Is this what it's been the whole time? This is why everyone's been stupid enough to go on that thing when they come to Boston? Lily: Well, not Pike. Pike did for nothing. Some do for fun. Jane: You really think this is funny? Lily: Very much yes. Especially when they are injured for game and I bait them after on ice. Much fun. Jane: I can't convince them not to do it. You're on thin fucking ice for this. If they get hurt, don't think you're getting any this weekend. Lily: Is this way you talk to boyfriend after so many weeks with nothing? As if you don't need it as much as I do. You know you'll be the one begging this weekend, lapochka. Jane: You're such a fucking asshole Lily: Asshole who loves you Jane: Fuck. I love you too February 2018 hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever i haven't stopped laughing for thirty minutes Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/nhl_gossip/comments/1e56t4c/boston_slide_again_email/ Email screenshot posted to Reddit: [From: safety@nhl.com Subject: Boston Slide (Again) NHL Players: Again, we'd like to remind players that while visiting Boston, please not to go on the slide in their City Hall Plaza. There has been a problem with injuries not sustained in games again this season, and the Boston Mayor's office has reached out to us to let us know that some graffiti on the structure has been traced back to certain players. We hope that a reminder is not needed that the league relies on each city's hospitality to us, and we don't want to compromise that. You are not children. Stop jeopardizing each of your teams' chances for the opportunity to go on a slide. We have asked the Boston Raiders to conduct its own investigation into the actions of individual team members that might be causing this trend. Thank you.] EM @masshole21 "you are not children" is my favorite part ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 "the actions of individual team members that might be causing this trend" as if we don't already know fullllllll well beau @hotelcuckchair this made my entire day. @IlyaRozanov what i wouldn't do July 2018 ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 omfg WHAT. ILYA ROZANOV TRADED??? TO OTTAWA????? hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever i am distraught EM @masshole21 shit lil, you might have to change your handle hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever nope it'll stay as a sign of mourning. plus if he doesn't change his number i guess i'll just have to become an ottawa fan instead. no one plays like rozy ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 BLASPHEMY beau @hotelcuckchair this is actually crazy and i feel like i'm about to start a rumor…..? EM @masshole21 no conspiracy theories in my mourning period pls, i'll field them later hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever also reminder that we are not entitled to know our fav celebrities' personal lives or speculate about them publically when they're trying to keep them private. looking at you, beau beau @hotelcuckchair fair. Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister guess montreal will have an edge next season lol ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 you want your teeth knocked out?? is this what you're looking for by being in my replies??? genuine question EM @masshole21 fuck, is this the end of the NHL boston slide era? and before we ever got a video of rozanov going down it himself?? beau @hotelcuckchair i guess if it is, we'll really have confirmation who was behind it all EM @masshole21 i'm so depressed. don't talk to me. hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever this couldn't be because of that, right??? we all saw that email screenshot on reddit in february… beau @hotelcuckchair no definitely not. boston wouldn't get rid of a player like rozanov for a joke like that, and everyone's known about that for years anyway. leaving was 100% his choice, or for another reason Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Okay so am I finally allowed to come out of the closet as a Ilya Rozanov fan? He's so good on the ice. Can't wait for him to turn Ottawa around Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister seriously would be amazing if we had a hometown team who won games sometimes. still, i'll believe it when i see it Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister also hey @OttawaCityCouncil so i have this idea for a slide… ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 is there seriously nothing you assholes won't steal from us EM @masshole21 @CityofBostonOfficial is letting out a deep sigh of relief as we speak March 2019 beau @hotelcuckchair well, the season is a wrap i guess. we didn't make it to playoffs and there were no slide incidents that we know of. anyone else feel super let down by the Boston Raiders? all the entertainment value, gone ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 yeah…i need to go vandalize a canadian city to feel better i think. weekend trip? EM @masshole21 ella you can't just announce you're about to do a crime online ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 why i'm so bored ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 @dagenaisforprimeminister got a slide in Ottawa yet? or too busy losing? Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister i will give your picture to the canadian border officials ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 so that's a no March 2021 ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 ilya rozanov and shane hollander kissing?? on my christian minecraft server???? more likely than you'd think EM @masshole21 happy for them and also fuck whatever asshole leaked this ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 seriously. really hoping the league doesn't shove them out over this. but expecting the worst tbh hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever why is the internet such a cesspit beau @hotelcuckchair i'm allowed to feel just like, a little vindicated though, right? EM @masshole21 yes beau. you and your powerpoints can feel a little vindicated beau @hotelcuckchair okay important question. do we think we'll get a video of shane hollander going down the cop slide anytime soon? ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 we haven't even gotten video confirmation that rozy has ever gone down it, and you think you're getting hollander? girl EM @masshole21 i don't care if it's delusional, i want it. despite the sworn montreal boston blood feud, i have grown fond of that uptight weirdo. need to see him let loose a bit beau @hotelcuckchair -ilya rozanov, probably hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever blocked. reported. my mom is calling your mom beau @hotelcuckchair wowwwww lily hates gay people hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever 🙄 ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 i'm with beau on this one. this is prob exactly how it went down Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Did I read that right?!?!!! Hollanov rivalry confirmed foreplay in the Year of our Lord 2021??? Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister for realllllll this is fucking wild. @IlyaRozanov @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer love and support you both and i gotta go write some fanfic for definitely unrelated reasons. also fuck you random internet troll who leaked this. i hope your pants remain pissed Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 God, it's times like these that make feel so patriotic. Eat your heart out, Boston. Canada has got the matched set of gay, insanely talented hockey players right here. Don't need anything else. (Maybe less homophobia.) ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 still don't have a slide, though Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister fuck all the way off Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 So when are you two gonna kiss April 2021 ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 ilya rozanov back in boston!! i repeat, ilya rozanov back in boston! hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever ella you can't just post shit like this without context. i thought he was traded back for a second and got so excited ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 lolll #sorrynotsorry i figured you'd remember we're in the playoffs rn beau @hotelcuckchair to be fair he's come here for many away games in the last few years and you've never announced it like this. i'm on lily's side here EM @masshole21 soooooo…..boston cop slide stakeout anyone? hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever god i'm so there beau @hotelcuckchair romance isn't dead i guess #datenight hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever okay we were mostly joking but we did actually walk the plaza by last night and…..i swear to god we saw them ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 pics or it didn't happen hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever it was really dark and i didn't want to be rude by filming someone who didn't consent to it ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 ughhhhhh @masshole21 are you serious?? EM @masshole21 sorry lily has principles, unlike the rest of us. i couldn't bring myself to corrupt her beau @hotelcuckchair please paint me a picture. i need to go to my mind palace hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever okay so there were a couple people standing around at the bottom of the slide and someone came down it and fell on his back on the ground, prob winded since he stayed there for a few seconds. i think it was hayes bc rozanov (could tell it was him from the accent) was laughing and said something like: "that the best you can do, hazy?" EM @masshole21 then he kept someone else from going up it. i think it was that rookie, haas? grabbed his shoulder and was like "no. no slide until third season, at least." ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 awwwww that's actually so sweet. secret softie rozy hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever he said in an interview once that he didn't like hazing rituals in the NHL beau @hotelcuckchair god, i miss that man & need him carnally #my81 ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 same, beau, same January 2022 City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial As a precaution, we'll be fencing off Boston City Hall Plaza this weekend in anticipation of the NHL All-Star Games taking place in Boston. We apologize for the inconvenience, but hope the public understands that we're acting for the safety of all. beau @hotelcuckchair this is so fucking funny of them actually hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever the way rozy is such a menace that public spaces have to be closed in boston to anticipate his arrival Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister #my81 ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 i seriously am so close to committing a crime EM @masshole21 you're close to something that's for sure ... Text Thread: Shane & Ilya Shane: Where did you go? Ilya: Out to bar. You said you did not want to come along? I can come back. Shane: Okay yes I knew that and no you don't need to come back but the whole floor is quiet. Hayden isn't even in his room or texting me back. Ilya: ??? Ilya: Why would I know where Hayden would be? Shane: Because everything got quiet all of a sudden. And that doesn't usually happen unless everyone left together. Shane: Ilya. Ilya: Shane. Shane: Please tell me you're not going where I think you're going. Ilya: Sorry I am going through wind tunnel. Shane: That doesn't fucking work for a text you asshole. Shane: Ilya? Shane: You're fucking dead when you get home. And even more so if you're hurt from that stupid slide. Ilya: I do not go on slide. I watch others go on slide and laugh. Do not worry. ... Text Thread: Shane & Hayden Shane: What the fuck happened to "slides are for kids"? Hayden: uh….i'm not drinking this time? Shane: Jesus fucking Christ. Shane: I'm not your captain anymore but I still am going to have to explain this to Jacki and I hope you know that I hate you for that. Hayden: don't worry about it, buddy ... City of Boston @CityofBostonOfficial We are saddened to report that the fencing around Boston City Hall Plaza was found dismantled this morning. We again urge the public to abide by safety restrictions and posted signage. NHL @NHL After all these years and multiple emails, we thought it didn't need to be stated again but please: stop going on the slide. We're tired of getting calls from the Boston Mayor. JJ Dagenais @JJDagenais they're finally pulling out the public shaming tactic Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike might work if any of us had any shame JJ Dagenais @JJDagenais Attached picture: [Dagenais winking at the camera with his arm in a sling, background showing a 'Boston General ER' sign.] Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike please tell me it's not broken JJ Dagenais @JJDagenais just a sprain. better in no time Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Can everyone just agree to stop listening to @IlyaRozanov. Alright? Alright. Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer I have no idea what you accuse me of. I am innocent man and loving husband who has never gone on slide in life. Russians do not slide. Zane Boodram @BoodZane the world would be a better place if we could all just learn to ignore a challenge from @IlyaRozanov. someone else is gonna have to make that happen, though, bc i'm not strong enough EM @masshole21 okay so it's been confirmed that @IlyaRozanov has been single-handedly responsible for ragebaiting probably dozens of famous hockey players into getting various injuries on the boston cop slide, but the question remains: has he ever gone on it himself? hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever well he said he didn't in the response to shane ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 oh you sweet summer child, you believe that ? that felt like a "please don't make me sleep on the couch" defense EM @masshole21 and with that level of sarcasm, i doubt it worked beau @hotelcuckchair something tells me that if hollander made ilya "ragebait" rozanov sleep on the couch every time he did something like this, they wouldn't be married at all. smells like foreplay to me. hate to say it but they're prob fucking it out rn EM @masshole21 and it's times like these that i regret becoming online friends with someone whose username is hotel cuck chair hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever @hotelcuckchair yeah somehow i don't think you hated to say that at all Cliff Marleau @CMarleauRaiders @IlyaRozanov hey rozy, remember those bruised ribs you had for the 2017 playoffs? you knew what a slide was back then Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer @IlyaRozanov Are you fucking kidding me? The cop slide? I couldn't do the 2017 playoffs because I had a concussion and a broken collarbone and you played like shit with bruised ribs because you CHOSE to go down the fucking cop slide? Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov Marley, next time we play, I will give you bruised ribs, broken collarbone, and concussion all back, since all were your fault and still you run your mouth. Ottawa Centaurs @OttawaCentaurs We would like to clarify that none of our players will be intentionally trying to seriously injure anyone from the opposing team in any upcoming match. Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 These PR teams must be losing their minds. And has anyone checked on the no doubt underpaid staffer running the City of Boston Twitter account lately? I wonder if they're doing okay… Alice Roan @alice_in_nightmare_land I'm not, but thanks for asking.

Chapter End Notes

Why yes I did get overly invested in the random queer hockey fan OCs I invented for this fic, how could you tell?

Chapter 2: Bonus: October 2022 - Shane & Ilya

Chapter Summary In which Ilya finally tries to get Shane to go down the slide...though not very hard.

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes October 2022 Shane stared incredulously from his husband to the gigantic metal structure standing before them, the gentle, early fall breeze just able to move a few pieces of hair into his eyes. He brushed them away impatiently and scowled. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he demanded. "Are you actually fucking serious right now." "You are hockey player, yes? What is little slide to hockey player? We get much worse on ice." Ilya's smile was twitching at the corners of his lips, though he was still clearly trying to suppress it at least partially. "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to right now?" Shane asked as Ilya smirked at him. "You think I'm some idiot who wants to prove something to you and doesn't know any better? I'm your husband. I know exactly what you're doing. I've been in this league as long as you have. I've seen all the videos, and the Twitter posts, and the emails." "Well, if you are scared—" Ilya started, his eyes dancing with mirth even in the darkness. Shane turned on his heel and crossed his arms over his chest as he walked away. "I'm going back to the hotel. Should've known an evening walk around the city sounded too romantic to not be a trick." Ilya began to laugh behind him and quickly ran to catch up, one arm wrapping around his husband's shoulder as he pressed a kiss into his cheek, which Shane ducked away from, huffing out an annoyed sigh. "You know I just tease," Ilya said as he pulled away, but keeping his arm around Shane's shoulders as he matched his stride. "I would not actually want you to go down that." Shane glanced over at him, his expression still set in annoyance, though it was already ebbing slightly. "No?" he asked, attempting to sound disgruntled as ever, but some affection creeping in. "You'd let the Centaurs, the Raiders, and all the All-Stars teammates you can con into it go down it, but not me?" Ilya grinned at him again, all teeth and beaming eyes, eyes that, after all these years, Shane could finally read the love shining out of like the sun. "Yes," he replied. "Exactly that. Too dangerous, solnyshko, for you. For me." Because old habits died hard, Shane fought valiantly against the blush, even though it was dark. Even though it was just his husband, who he loved, who loved him. His husband, who loved him, calling him sunshine. His husband, telling him in so few words how lost he'd be without him. The blush won. "So why did you ask me to, then?" Shane asked, turning to face forward again in part to avoid looking at the fond expression on Ilya's face as he gazed at Shane, and in part because someone needed to steer them away from bumping into any lampposts, and it clearly wasn't going to be Ilya. Ilya laughed lowly under his breath. "Because I knew you wouldn't," he said. "You know me too well to fall for tricks now. You are only one who knows me so well to know always when I am baiting." There was something wistful in his voice, as if he was wishing in some way for the boys they had been, so many years before, when each had been so uncertain and so reactive to everything about the other. As if he was wishing to do it all over again, so he could feel what it was like to learn and grow in and around each other and fall in just the same way. But Shane just laughed and shook his head, turning to glance at Ilya again. "I'm pretty sure you're still perfectly capable of baiting me, whether I know what's going on or not," he said, before flicking his eyes back to the sidewalk ahead. "You manage to get a rise out of me almost every day at practice, if not at home." Ilya was silent for a moment, seemingly considering this. "Is true," he said finally, the tone of his voice neutral. Shane felt rather than saw Ilya's lips brush his ear as he leaned closer, felt the warm breath on his skin, making him shiver. "Let us go back to hotel, da?" he asked, his voice rougher, lowered an octave. "Then we can see how quick I can get a rise out of you." And, as for that idea, well…Shane didn't have a problem with it at all.

Chapter End Notes

I have never, myself, been on the cop slide in Boston, and my friend Sierra from Mass refused to drive up there and go on it for research. She says just say no to the cop slide, and for safety reasons, I guess I will advise the same.

Chapter 3: Bonus II: January 2023 - Shane Takes the Bait

Chapter Summary In which Shane baits himself and gets exactly what he hoped for.

Chapter Notes

Wow, just wow. The response to this fic has been absolutely insane - more than 2k kudos in less than 48 hours???? Do I even need to go back to therapy anymore?? (Just kidding.) Your comments have been making me giggle and blush and kick my feet. The life lesson I'm taking from this is that I need to do more things just for the bit. A lot of y'all were really hoping to see Shane go down the slide, though, and a comment from oneoflifeslollopers finally convinced me to write it. So thank you for the idea, and enjoy :) See the end of the chapter for more notes January 2023 Text Thread: Shane, Wyatt Hayes, & Zane Boodram Shane: Ilya's asleep. Meet in 5? Bood: hell yes!! Wyatt: I was hoping you were gonna change your mind Wyatt: Remind me why you're doing this, again? You said Roz didn't even want you to, right? Bood: LOL roz would send the whole NHL down that thing head-first with a smile, but with hollzy, it's too far Bood: he's so whipped Shane: Because he thinks I won't. Wyatt: So, to recap: your husband thinks you're too smart for him to bait, and you want to prove him wrong?? Shane: Yes. Wyatt: Cool, cool. Just wanted to make sure I had that right. Bood: logic has no place here, hazy. now stop being a chicken and get out here Wyatt: You sure Roz won't wake up and notice you gone? Shane: You seriously don't need to worry about that. Bood: if you heard what i heard through those hotel walls in san fran, wyatt, you wouldn't worry either. pretty sure hollzy knows how to tire roz out ;) Wyatt: More than I needed to know Wyatt: Fine, I'm coming … Next morning… Instagram shanehollander Halfway through another amazing season I'm sharing with the best people. [Photos: 1: Group Ottawa Centaurs picture, all huddled in a group on the ice and beaming at the camera. 2: Airport photo of Wyatt Hayes, Luca Haas, and Zane Boodram all asleep in adjoining seats, various limbs draped on top of each other. Bood's mouth is open as he snores. 3: Candid photo of Ilya from the side, mid-laugh as he watches Anya play in the snow. 4: Ilya and David standing side by side across a kitchen island chopping vegetables, Yuna in the background leaning against the counter with a glass of wine in her hand, mouth open mid-speech. Ilya alone is looking at the camera, his smile wide and eyes bright. 5: Picture of Montreal rink, taken from the stands, with scoreboard showing 5-2 for Ottawa. Below it, you can see the team in a group hug at center ice, someone's fist raised in the air in the middle. 6: Dimly lit selfie of Shane, looking neutrally into the camera. Background shows blue slats with blurry sharpie drawings and words written on them.] … Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Uh….what is this? Why does it look like he's in some kind of sketchy back alley? @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer blink twice if you need help. [Attached picture: Screenshot of dimly lit selfie photo from Shane's Instagram post.] Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister so weird. plus it being the last photo like he's trying to hide it. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer you good, sir??? Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Wait, they're in Boston rn right? I have a suspicion. I'm gonna phone a friend. @rozanov81forever Can you confirm/deny where this is? hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever OMG @masshole21 @raidersfangirl26 @hotelcuckchair have you seen this??? beau @hotelcuckchair adskadghkdsaflj the slide!!!!!!! EM @masshole21 WHAT i have never been more thrilled in my life. what is he doing there? why so sus with the photo? ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 ahhahahahaha something tells me the baiter is being baited beau @hotelcuckchair fuck that, the people need answers!! @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer name your price ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 babes he's a multi-millionaire and you're a gay barista. touch some grass hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever gay on gay crime will not be tolerated here Zane Boodram @BoodZane @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer may be a man of mystery, but i am nothing if not forthcoming [Video attached. Description: Shane starts climbing up the jungle gym to the top of the slide. Someone from off to the side: "Oh damn, he really is just going for it, I guess." Another voice, louder, from behind the camera: "Go Hollzy!" Shane turns back to give them both an unimpressed look and the middle finger. Video cuts to view of the end of the slide, which Shane shoots out of quickly, but still in an upright sitting position. At the edge, he puts down his feet to stop himself to avoid sliding onto the ground, standing quickly as cheers erupt from behind the camera. He glances around, dusts himself off, then winks at the camera, beginning to smirk.] JJ Dagenais @JJDagenais @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer always has, always will be the fucking best!! never been more proud of my old capitaine Hayden Pike @RealHaydenPike @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer man i hate you so much sometimes, figures you'd be the one to pull it off! do i get to tell on you this time? Cliff Marleau @CMarleauRaiders @IlyaRozanov seen this yet, brother? think hollander's officially best in the league now ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 okay i feel like i should be mad bc he's our rival and he basically stole our best player out from under us with his wiles so maybe he shouldn't be desecrating our sacred space but i'm actually just so impressed EM @masshole21 the slide sensed he was pure of heart Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 Uh, no. I would bet so much money that Shane Hollander researched the shit out of this before doing it. He was probably watching those physics videos and stuff. Never underestimate the Hollander dynasty. hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever two things can be true hockey addicts anonymous @rozanov81forever does anyone else think @CityofBostonOfficial is being uncharacteristically quiet about this? Alice Roan @alice_in_nightmare_land If I ignore it it doesn't exist. EM @masshole21 fair and valid. protect your peace Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister ugh now that hollzy has gone on the slide i really really feel like i need to. why must boston have cool things sometimes ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 why does ottawa suck so much all the time? questions that the universe may never answer Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister eat shit and die. i'm never visiting Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 She's looking up drive time as we speak beau @hotelcuckchair pov what if they kissed at the bottom of the boston city hall plaza cop slide 👉👈 EM @masshole21 be the hollanov you want to see in the world kids … Text Thread: Shane & Ilya Ilya: Just got out of meeting. Where are you? Shane: Why? Did something happen? Ilya: I saw picture and Harris just showed me video. I am angry with you. Ilya: And so fucking hard. Shane: Then you know how I feel all the time. Shane: Hotel. You know the room number. Ilya: 5 minutes. … Hours later, in the locker rooms gearing up for their evening game against Boston, Shane heard the telltale buzz of his phone from the cubby above his stall. Pausing for a moment in the act of putting on his helmet, he picked it up and glanced down at the text that appeared. Ilya: This means I must throw the game in your favor tonight, yes? Shane glanced around and found Ilya leaning nonchalantly against the side of his own stall, already in full gear minus his hockey gloves, talking to Troy. He gave no sign that he knew Shane was watching, but Shane knew this game. He turned back around and huffed a quiet laugh, then typed out a response. Shane: Lucky we're on the same team now, then. He put his phone face down in his cubby and finished strapping on his gear, ignoring the buzz of a response in favor of dragging out the phantom warmth of Ilya's eyes on the back of his neck, the prickle of anticipation and adrenaline that always came with that look. When he was done, he picked up his phone again and read the words there. Ilya: The luckiest. Shane smiled to himself, his cheeks warming ever so slightly, letting that giddy feeling wash over him again—the very same as it always had so many years before, in secret texts before games. Warmth that used to need to be frozen out into something flat and unrecognizable on the ice. But this time, when he set his phone down and turned, ready to head into the tunnel, he shot his husband a secret smile. Just because he could. … Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister yes i did fall on my face. yes it was, unfortunately, fun. and yes @raidersfangirl26 did laugh at me the whole way back to her place, as promised Georgie @hollanderdynasty11 @dagenaisforprimeminister If you move to Boston I will mock you until the end of time ellaaaa @raidersfangirl26 well i'm not moving to ottawa. they don't have a 16 foot slide Clara vs the world @dagenaisforprimeminister but boston doesn't have shane hollander and ilya rozanov

Chapter End Notes

Please continue to praise me. I will take it as flirtation :) (mostly joking but also not)

End Notes

I've gotten a lot of comments saying they'd actually like a Ella/Clara spinoff, which is wild bc they're just my OCs but if you also would actually seriously like this let me know in the comments and keep an eye on this story bc I have many many ideas. I made a series you can follow, since if I do write one, it'll be a separate fic not added as a bonus chapter (I have too many ideas). Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!