Chapter 1: Shane’s sleeping with the enemy (is she smacking his

ass??) Chapter Summary Who is Shane texting? Why is he showering for 20 minutes before his hookup? Oh my god that’s a welt on his ass. Boys who Beer Group Chat (Sex Addict Support for Hayden) J.J. Shane’s been weirdly happy tonight. Glowing after the win… suspicious as hell. Patrice He smiled at a reporter. Like. Full teeth. I got the pic for proof 📸 Gilbert Someone’s getting laid. I’m calling it. Hayden You three are exhausting. Fine. Yeah, he’s got a sneaky link. J.J. HAYDEN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK 😂😂😂 Patrice SHANE??? OUR SHANE??? MR. PERFECT??? 🤯🤯 Gilbert NO WAY 😭😭😭 J.J. reacted 🤯🤯🤯 Patrice reacted 💀💀💀 Gilbert reacted 😭😭😭 J.J. You’ve been sitting on this intel and said nothing??? Patrice How long, Hayden. HOW. LONG. Hayden Long time. Very long. He’s private as hell. Like, Shane never tells anyone anything. Ever. The guy is a vault. I only know because I room with him and I notice shit. J.J. A vault?? Bro deflects everything. I’ve asked him straight up “you dating anyone?” and he just hits you with that polite smile and changes the topic to hockey sticks 😂 Gilbert Facts. He’s the king of deflection. You ask anything personal and suddenly we’re talking about nutrition plans. Patrice That’s why this is insane. Mr. “I don’t kiss and tell” is out here with a secret Boston sidepiece?? 😳 Hayden Whenever “Lily” texts him, he turns into prime Shane. Phone buzzes → instant grin → unstoppable. Gilbert Lily. Cute. Innocent sounding. Hayden Except he only gets the real flood of texts from her when we’re in Boston. Or playing Boston. Clockwork. J.J. … Patrice …wait Gilbert … J.J. LILY IS A BOSTON FAN??? 😱😱 Patrice OUR CAPTAIN IS SLEEPING WITH A RAIDERS FAN DURING THE RIVALRY??? � ❌󾓦 Gilbert This is treason. Spiritual treason 💀 Hayden Purely casual. Just sex. Been going on forever. Patrice FOREVER??? And he’s letting enemy hands on him?? J.J. So Wait, is his routine: text → disappears → comes back smug? Hayden Every time. Never stays the night. Always showers before though. Always. And for ages! Gilbert I thought he was a monk. Turns out he’s getting hate-sex from a Boston fan and then torching her team. Absolute king 👑 Never staying the night is throwing me though!! J.J. Hayden. Live updates next time. For science. Hayden You’re children. Fine. — Boston hotel night — Hayden He’s staring at phone grinning like a moron. J.J. IT’S HAPPENING 🔥 Patrice PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN 📸 Hayden NO PICS! Blushing. Ears red. Never seen it. Gilbert SHANE BLUSHES FOR THE ENEMY 😳😳 Hayden Shower. Timer started Hayden (20 min later) 20 minutes exactly. Dressed in seconds. Out the door. Silent. Patrice 20 minutes?? Oh that’s kinda cute though. He wants to be so clean for her 🥺 J.J. Aww yeah. Full fresh-and-ready vibe. Respect ✊ she must be so so hot Gilbert He’s in enemy territory rn. Legend 🫡 — 2 hours later — Hayden Back. Hair wrecked and he’s grinning. Straight to bed. J.J. I’m deceased 💀 Gilbert Boston Lily owns him. — Another Boston trip, weeks later — Hayden GUYS I think Shane is sexting her rn AHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂 J.J. SPILL NOW Patrice WHAT Gilbert DETAILS Hayden Lying on his bed, staring at phone, massive idiot grin, ears BRIGHT red, then suddenly SLAMMED the phone face-down like he got caught red-handed. Hayden HAHAHA BABY’S FIRST NUDE I’M SCREAMING TRYING TO ACT NORMAL 😂😂 J.J. NO FUCKING WAY 😭😭 Patrice SHANE HOLLANDER GETTING SPICY PICS FROM A BOSTON FAN 🔥📱 Gilbert He’s blushing over enemy tits. I can’t breathe 😂 J.J. Panic slam?? Guilty as charged ⚖ Hayden Full guilty slam. Then fake stretch and “casual” bag check. I’m dying. I literally just bit my own fist to stop from busting up Patrice Man gets nudes and still has to go play pro hockey. The discipline 💪 Hayden Update: towel grabbed. Shower time. Timer is onnnnn ⏱ Gilbert Sexting success = hat trick incoming 🎩 — Later that same trip, post-shower — Hayden 20 min shower. He’s off to see Lily. J.J. Clockwork. Man’s predictable ⏰ Patrice Okay but that’s SUCH a long shower every single time. TWENTY MINUTES? Waste of water! You already shower after the game bro… J.J. Right?? Cute at first but… what is he actually doing in there?? Gilbert If I’ve got a chance to get laid I’m in and out in 4 minutes max. And I mean max. Maybe I don’t even shower Patrice Exactly! Rinse, soap, gone. 20 minutes is next level. J.J. Is he shaving his whole body for her? Full manscape?? Gilbert Chest, legs, everything?? For Boston Lily?? Patrice Maybe he’s sneaky kinky and she pegs him. Needs the extra… prep time. J.J. PEGS HIM??? 💀💀💀 PATRICE JAIL STOP Gilbert I’m just saying! 20 minutes is mad suspicious! J.J. Wait. Oh my god is he jerking it first so he lasts longer?? Patrice OH THAT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE 🤯 THATS THE MOST LIKELY REASON Gilbert Y’all are disgusting. J.J. Nah but think about it. Man’s taking a full 20-minute solo session just to make sure he gives her the full performance. That’s dedication 😂😂😂 Patrice He’s so disciplined hahahahaha. Performance focused even off the ice. Captain energy 24/7 💪 Gilbert Bro is treating sex like a power play. Edging for the clutch goal. I’m crying 😂 J.J. Imagine the mental strength. Gets nudes, jerks it in the shower to reset the clock, then goes and absolutely rocks her world for hours. Legend 🐐 Patrice That’s why he never stays the night though. Man’s spent after round two because he’s already pre-gamed himself 😂😂 Gilbert Shane Hollander out here optimizing stamina like it’s training camp. “Gotta last for the third period, boys.” 🏒 J.J. I’m proud and jealous. My horny ass would bust in 30 seconds if I got those texts. Patrice Facts. He’s built different. Hockey IQ AND bedroom IQ off the charts 📈 Gilbert If this chat ever leaks I’m moving to Siberia. Guys stop! J.J. Too late. We’re all doomed. But also… respect the process 😂 Hayden You’re all idiots. I’m just the messenger 😂😂 AND I HAVE TO SHARE A SHOWER WITH HIM — Pre-game a few weeks later — J.J. Ever since I found out about Lily I can’t be normal when I see Shane texting before a game 😂😂 J.J. He’s just sitting there grinning at his phone and I’m like bro is that her?? Is the ritual starting?? I have to look away or I’ll start laughing 💀 Patrice Same 😂 I catch myself staring waiting for the blush Gilbert We’re all ruined. Every phone buzz now I’m like “Lily alert” 🚨 — After hat trick game — Gilbert BOYS BOYS BOYS 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 First official welt sighting… bright red stripe across his ass in the room. Fresh. Hand-sized but at a glance it could be from a belt 💀💀💀💀💀 💀💀 You could see it from space when he turned to grab his towel. J.J. HOLY SHIT 😱😱😱 Patrice NO WAY 🤯 Gilbert Clear as day. BRIGHT RED ALMOST PURPLE. Brutal. J.J. BOSTON LILY SPANKED OUR CAPTAIN 🔥🖐 Patrice She marks him up and he drops a hat trick on her team. Iconic and terrifying 😂 Gilbert I wasn’t even staring bro it was impossible to miss J.J. Sure Bud 😂 Patrice Yeah Gilbert?? 👀 What’s the zoom level on that mental screenshot Gilbert Shut up. Anyway he caught me looking. I panicked and just blurted “Big night?” like an idiot. J.J. AND???? Gilbert He froze. Full deer-in-headlights. Face went pink instantly, then he literally spun halfway around and yanked his towel down lower to cover his ass while stammering “Oh uh no, I uh I fell. Tripped on… uh… something. Yeah. Just clumsy haha.” Man was spiraling 😭😭 I almost felt bad Patrice SHANE HOLLANDER STUTTERING AND COVERING HIS BUTT LIKE A GUILTY TEENAGER 💀💀 J.J. He literally tried to hide the evidence live. Hand on the towel pulling it down, ass out of view now. Then he speed-changed and bolted to the showers mumbling “Gotta… stretch… yeah” under his breath. Never seen him that flustered off the ice 😂😂 Gilbert I felt bad for like 0.2 seconds. Then I remembered he’s getting spanked by the enemy and dropping points on them. Respect restored. Patrice We’re actually becoming those crazy fans with the conspiracy boards and red string. “Lily did this. Boston game → long shower → welt → hat trick pipeline” 😂 J.J. Fr. I’ve been through all his social media like three separate times. Scrolled back YEARS. Every post, every story, every tagged photo, every like history I could access. Not a single thing. No Boston tags. No girls in the background. No suspicious follows. No “Lily” anywhere. Man is a digital ghost. How is she this invisible?? Gilbert He’s either got her on a completely separate burner account/phone or they literally only exist in hotel rooms. Zero digital footprint. That’s next-level op-sec for casual sex 💀 Hayden Told you guys. Vault. He doesn’t leave crumbs. Ever. TRUST ME I HAVE TRIED I EVEN ASKED YUNA THERES NOTHING Patrice So we’re out here playing detective with locker-room welts, shower timers, and blush sightings like proper schizo fans. I hate that I’m this invested. IM SICK IN THE HEAD J.J. Same. But I need more intel. For science. Keep the live updates coming Hayden. Gilbert If he ever finds this thread we’re cooked. He’ll make us run drills until we forget our own names. Hayden Delete delete delete. I’m just the innocent roommate bystander 😂 — Months later — J.J. FELLAS FELLAS FELLAS 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 ANOTHER WELT HAS HIT THE TOWERS. Fresh. New spot this time. Clear HAND outline. Caught it in the mirror reflection when he was changing. AGAIN IT IS From SPACE obvious. Patrice She’s collecting real estate on his ass at this point. Signature collection growing 🔥 Gilbert Why are we all still clocking his butt changes I’m begging y’all to stop making us look sus 😭 J.J. It finds us bro. The evidence is too loud. Patrice Shane knows we’re watching now. The eyebrow raise he gave me last week when I glanced too long? Chilling. Hayden He’s never spilling. We’ll be 40 years old still whispering “Lily alert” every Boston trip. J.J. Worth it. The saga continues � Gilbert Pray this chat stays buried. Forever. 🙏

Chapter 2: Breakups, Boston, Sloppy Toppy

Chapter Summary Part 2, including a few key scenes from the show. No one gets outed. But Hayden does hear Shane get his cock sucked so there’s that!

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes Shane Detectives (FKA Hayden Sex Addict Support) 👀🔍 — Mid-season road trip to Boston — Hayden lol Shane just grabbed his phone, grinned like an idiot, and said “heading out for a bit.” Off to see Boston Lily confirmed. Classic. 😏 J.J. Clockwork. 20-min shower incoming soon. Bet he’s already blushing. 🔥 Hayden yep he just got out of the shower!! We are so back Patrice Enjoy enemy territory, Cap 🫡 Don’t forget to hate-fuck her team tomorrow. Gilbert Legend. Hat trick loading… 🎩 Hayden …guys this is different. He’s been gone for HOURS. Like, 4+ hours. Usually he’s back in 90 min max, smug and showered. No text or update. Radio silence. 😟 J.J. Wait what? That’s not the routine. 🚨 Patrice Did Lily finally murder him? Or did he stay the night??? 😱 Hayden OMG what if he stays the night holy shit Gilbert He’s breaking protocol. This is huge. Or bad. Probably bad. 💀 — Later that night, hotel return — Hayden He just got back. 8:45 pm walked in dead quiet no grin no post-sex glow and face like thunder. Went straight to bed without a word. Didn’t even look at his phone. 😔 J.J. …oh no. Patrice That’s not Lily glow. That’s “shit went wrong” energy. Gilbert Maybe they fought? Or she ended it? Fuck. 😢 Hayden He’s asleep now but tossing. Worried as hell. Our vault is leaking sadness. — Next few weeks: Rose Landry era begins — Patrice TMZ just dropped: Shane and Rose Landry confirmed dating. Pap pics from LA last weekend. He’s smiling in them but… idk. Looks forced. 📸 (pictures attached) J.J. Public girlfriend arc activated. Rose is gorgeous, famous, perfect match on paper. But he’s not playing like himself. Sloppy passes. No finish. Captain’s off. 😕 Gilbert Rose curse real? Or is he missing the chaos of Lily? Hate-sex adrenaline vs Hollywood dates. No contest. 😭 Hayden He’s quieter at the hotel. No humming. No secret grins. It’s like he’s performing “happy boyfriend” but the spark’s gone. Fuck I miss Lily!!! Patrice Doesn’t seem as happy. At all. Miss the old Shane who’d come back wrecked and victorious. 💔 — A month later: breakup news — Gilbert ROSE AND SHANE OVER. Sources say “amicable split, different lives.” She posted a vague IG about growth. He liked it…! J.J. Thank fuck. Rose was never gonna spank him or send enemy nudes. Bring back the real one. 🙏 Patrice Boston Lily we’re begging. Come fix our boy. 🥺 Hayden Yeah they’re over I just spoke to him… He’s perked up a tiny bit since the breakup. Staring at phone again, just a little. Small smiles. Hope flickering. ✨ I wonder if it has to be Lily or if any Boston chick would do…

— All-Star: Tampa — Hayden Shane’s been texting nonstop since we got to hotel. Grinning at breakfast. Ears red. Shower timer started early tonight and then he disappeared. HE’S BACK ON LILY TIME. 🔥🔥 J.J. LILY IS SO BACK BABY 🎉 IS SHE AT THE HOTEL??? Patrice Tampa neutral ground but still feels like she’s claiming him. I would bet he drops a hat trick just from the post-nut high. 🏒 Gilbert The drought is over. Our captain is hydrated again. 💦 Fuck how can I miss a woman I’ve never met so bad??? — Back to regular season: Boston — Hayden Boston tomorrow. Shane’s been in beast mode all week. Phone buzzing → instant smirk → long shower ritual and then dipping. He’s gonna fucking GET IT tonight boys. Let’s go. 😈 Patrice Still the super long showers?? Look at him in warmups. Smug as hell. Lily pre-gamed him good. Hat trick + shutout incoming. 👀 do you think she’s teasing him and making him earn it? He’s so focused it’s insane Gilbert Enemy hands on our boy → points on their team. Poetry. 🖐 smack his ass Lily Hayden He’s glowing. Haven’t seen this alive in months. ✨ and yeah the showers are as long as ever! I made a comment a few days ago and he started squirming. Definitely a pre link jerk guys — Game night disaster — J.J. FUCK. Just talked to coach and he said Shane got absolutely leveled. Concussion for sure. Patrice Hospital now. Broken collarbone too. Out indefinitely. Playoffs fucked. 💔 Poor Shane. When I had my concussion I just read comic books, anyone know what he likes? Gilbert Our captain 😭😭 yeah good call he’s gonna have to stay off screens Hayden I just got here. He’s stable but messed up. Docs say concussion protocol + collarbone surgery. Season over for him probably. Fuck!! J.J. God I wish we could contact Lily. She’d want to know. She’d probably storm the hospital and fix him with… whatever magic she has. 🥺 HE CANT EVEN SEXT IF HE CANT BE ON HIS PHONE Patrice We don’t even have her number. Vault life. He’s alone in there recovering and we’re stuck here helpless. If only he trusted us we could sneak her into his house! Gilbert Wish we could tell her “hey your secret boyfriend’s hurt bad. Come back. He needs the enemy touch more than ever.” 😢 Hayden Well that was weird. I just tried to talk to him and he kept closing his mouth and shaking his head. Said “I can’t say anything Hayden”. Like, he won’t say shit about her! Even doped up he’s our vault. Classic Shane. I said I’m just trying to help here bud J.J. Lily wherever you are… come back to him. We’re begging. The Boys (Shane Detectives) need the old Shane glow. 🙏 — Shane recovering at the family home — Hayden Man, I miss being the fly on the wall in the hotel. Sucks we can’t know what’s happening now that he’s with his parents. No roommate intel or live updates. He’s probably just… resting. Boring. 😔 J.J. Yeah, the golden era of shower timers and guilty slams is over 💀 RIP our voyeur privileges. Hayden reacted 🖕🖕🖕 Patrice He’s probably eating his mom’s cooking and watching the finals. No Lily action. Sad times. After all that intense sex… now he’s in the dry spell of all dry spells Gilbert At least he’s healing. Collarbone’s a bitch. But yeah… we’re blind now. No crumbs. Hayden He’s been quiet on text. Just “doing okay, thanks” vibes. Miss the old smug replies. Patrice HOLY SHIT SCOTT HUNTER JUST KISSED A DUDE DID YOU SEE THAT HOLY FUCK GUYS WHAT WHAT WHAT WAIT IM CALLING YOU GUYS — A couple weeks later: Hayden’s mind-blowing call — Hayden GUYS. I JUST RANG SHANE. NO LIE. HE WAS GETTING SLOPPY TOPPY RIGHT THEN AND THERE 😭😭😭🔥 I SWEAR ON MY LIFE J.J. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK SPILL EVERYTHING NOW 🚨🚨 Patrice NO WAYYYYYY 👀👀 YOURE FUCKIN W US Gilbert DETAILS OR WE RIOT 😂😂 Hayden Okay okay. Called to check in, he answers all casual “Hey Hayden, what’s up?” Sounds normal at first. Then I hear it, there’s like a whisper, the sound of him FUCKING SLAPPING SOMEONE, then he mutes me, then comes back and he’s talking but holy shit I know what I’m hearing right now. Then he goes “Wait, my mom’s calling” — lies to ME about his MOM — and I hear a whisper in the background. “Stop it!” or something. BUT THEN HES back and asking about my life … THE WHOLE TIME. It’s those wet sounds. Like, unmistakable sloppy, enthusiastic blowjob noises. Slurping. Little moans in the background, MORE SLAPPING. He’s breathing funny already. I’m sitting here like 👁👄👁 JESUS dude just hang up already J.J. HE ANSWERED THE PHONE MID-BLOWJOB??? SHANE HOLLANDER YOU WILD ANIMAL 😂😂😂😂 Patrice Our perfect captain picking up a call while getting his dick sucked. Iconic. Legendary. I’m deceased 💀 Hayden IT GETS WORSE I’m staring at my phone like holy shit this is happening. 😳 I’m trying to just talk about the most boring shit ever and I’m not getting to the point because im wondering how patient he can be so I’m talking about my brother in law and if he’s coming to stay and Shane is like “mmmhm, yeah, uh uh, OH FUCK, sorry just a text, uhuh.” Gilbert He used the MOM excuse??? While Lily’s down there working??? The AUDACITY 😭😭 And you’re EVIL Hayden Hayden YES AND! THEN! He’s breathing so fast and is like wait a second. Mutes me for maybe like 1 min. He comes back and HOLY. SHIT. Voice all wrecked. Raspy. Breathless. “Sorry man… Amazon delivery just showed up.” AMAZON DELIVERY MY ASS. Bro just CAME. Full post-nut haze. Trying so hard to sound normal but his words are slurring a little, he’s exhaling like he ran a sprint. “Yeah uh… feeling better today. Gotta go though.” Hangs up FAST. � I must have rang him mid BJ and he didn’t want to stop? Imagine if he hadn’t have muted me and I’d HEARD HIM COME GUYS I AM SHAKING WHAT DO YOU MEAN HIS FREAKY HOTTIE WANTS TO SUCK HIM OFF WHILE HE TALKS TO HIS BOY IM GONNA PASS OUT J.J. POST-NUT SHANE COMING ON THE PHONE AND LYING ABOUT AMAZON??? I CAN’T BREATHE 😂😂😂😂 This man is UNHINGED. How does he keep this shit together on the ice?? Patrice Boston Lily isn’t just a hotel girl anymore. She’s at the COTTAGE. With his PARENTS nearby??? That’s next-level ballsy. Or she’s THAT good he doesn’t care anymore 🔥🫦💦 Gilbert Cottage blowjob club activated. He’s recovering from a broken collarbone and concussion and still getting elite head. Absolute king 👑 But also… risky af with mom and dad around 😳 FUCK she must be so hot why am I getting hot under the collar! If I got a call there’s no way my girl would keep going! SHANE YOU ARE NASTY (I love him) J.J. Surely we drive past the cottage and see if we spot her hahahaha. Stakeout time. Binoculars. Red string. Let’s go boys �🚗 Hayden NO. NO CHANCE. 😂 We’d get caught in 0.2 seconds and he’d make us skate drills until we’re 50. Plus, I’m just so happy for our boy. He sounds… alive again. That post-come voice was like pure joy. Lily’s SO fucking back and she’s healing him better than any PT 💪❤ NGL it did sound like maybe she was slapping him around during the call!!!! God I need a shower Patrice Happy tears. Our vault cracked open for sloppy toppy audio. Best update since the welts. Never delete this chat 🙏 Gilbert Lily forever. Get well soon Cap, and keep getting that cottage care 😏 J.J. we salutes you, Shane. And Lily. Whoever/wherever she is. 🫡🔥 Patrice whenever we finally meet her I’m going to buy her one thousand roses as a thank you because she’s SOMETHING ELSE J.J. Hayden wait have you ever seen him buy her anything or as he ever asked about gifts for a lady? Hayden literally never even once. Fuuuuuck I just want to know who she is so bad!!!

Chapter End Notes

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Chapter 3: Post Cottage, Lily on Instagram??

Chapter Summary Post cottage Shane, the boys think they’ve found Lily on Instagram, and Shane comes out as gay. WAIT LILY IS A DUDE?? (For the purpose of this fic this is also how Hayden finds out).

Chapter Notes

Can you believe I updated? See the end of the chapter for more notes Shane Detectives (FKA Hayden Sex Addict Support) 👀🔍 — Pre-season camp: The Ultimate Post-Nut Enlightenment — Hayden: Our Holly is back and he is on another PLANET. Like, zen-master, loose-as-a- goose, permanent “I just got my dick sucked allllllll summer” chill. He’s looking super tan and I’ve never seen his hair this long???? Cottage Lily spent the entire summer with his dick in a 24/7 spa treatment. �💦😩 J.J.: He’s humming to himself in the shower again. We are SO back 🚨🚨🚨 Maybe Lily likes his hair longer….!!!!! Patrice: Bro is radiating and like blissed out like he’s been edged for three months straight and finally allowed to finish. Hayden: WAIT WAIT GUYS I HAVE A STORY HAHA SOOOOO I couldn’t resist. Cornered him after dryland and went “So Cap… any, uh, memorable cottage deliveries this summer? Like the Amazon kind?” 😏 Gilbert: YOU DID NOT Hayden: He just LAUGHED AT ME OH MY GOD AHHHHH.BUT ALSO, ZEOR panic. Shook his head and went “Yeah… sorry you had to hear that, buddy. My bad. Won’t happen again.” Then grinned, patted my shoulder, and floated away. HE APOLOGIZED FOR ME HEARING HIM GET HEAD. I’M DECEASED. NO DENIAL. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT. I KNEW IT. J.J.: HE ADDRESSED THE SLOPPY TOPPY PHONE CALL??? STRAIGHT UP??? 😂 😂😂💀 WHO IS LILY WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO HOLLY Patrice: “Sorry you had to hear that” sir you are a BUDDHIST MONK NOW. Lily sucked every ounce of shame out of him and replaced it with inner peace maybe !!! Gilbert: Cottage throat game so good it gave him enlightenment. I need whatever religion this is!! Maybe she has some hot friends — We found Lily!!! — Gilbert: ALERT ALERT 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 Burner account finally accepted. lilybloom_92 — GUYS. PICS. ATTACHED. PREPARE YOURSELVES. I DONT HAVE ANYTHING RESPECTFUL TO SAY SO YEAH (attached screenshots: long wavy brunette hair, dimples, lake sunset bikini body, one in a Bruins hoodie and bikini bottoms) J.J.: MOTHER OF GOD SHE IS A WEAPON NO WONDER SHANE IS KEEPING THIS A SECRET HOLY FUCKIN SHIT Patrice: THAT’S OUR LILY??? Cottage background! Bruins hoodie! July 4 fireworks story! Her bio is literally “ 🌸 Boston Baby” IT’S HER. WE MANIFESTED A SUPERMODEL. OH GOD SHANE PLEASE LET ME MEET HER I CAN BE NORMAL OH MY GOD FUCK Hayden: Those legs could wrap around you twice, maybe more. That face. No wonder he’s floating. She spent the summer at the cottage turning our captain into a puddle. Fuck I’m too married to be looking at this wait wait wait Patrice: Jesus lord have mercy fuck me help please Shane please let me meet her oh my god Hay Hayden: Okay I just showed Jackie and she’s freaking out too hoooooooooooly shit my wife wants Lily send HELP Gilbert: I’m framing the bikini pic. She’s the reason he’s humming again. Patrice: G don’t do that you fucking perv J.J.: OKAY TRACKED HER DOWN!!!!! AND I have sent her anonymous roses with a note “Thank you for healing our boy.” You’re all welcome!!!!!! Patrice: Legend. She deserves a parade. Gilbert: Excellent thinking oh my god I wonder if she’ll tell Cap!! — Random league nonsense — Gilbert: Still processing Rozanov to OTTAWA. OTTAWA. Who wakes up one day and goes You know what I want? Less relevance, and a fanbase that’s 90% empty seats and sadness, also to live in the most boring city in the whole northern hemisphere. J.J.: Boooooooooorrrrring!!!!!!!! Ottawa is where playoff dreams go to get euthanized. Dude was the ultimate villain… I’m going to ask around. Something went down. Make it make sense. Patrice: Did he kick the GM’s dog? Is it like a fucking political thing because he’s Russian? Voluntarily choosing Ottawa feels like a cry for help… I don’t like him but something is up. Hayden: Imagine being huge into nightlife and then moving to the quietest city in the league. Either he’s having a mid-life crisis at 28 or something deeply cursed happened behind closed doors… Jesus. I’ll also ask around. Gilbert: Calling it now: trade request by American Thanksgiving. He’ll be begging for any market with a pulse. J.J.: Who the hell goes to Ottawa. I’d rather retire. 🤮 — The Gay Announcement — Hayden: Okay I feel kind of bad that wasn’t our best effort boys Patrice: He looked relieved at least. Good for him. Just didn’t expect him to be gay. Is that wrong to say? He doesn’t look gay? J.J.: Yeah probably can’t say that Pat jesus. Alright. Respect him though. Shit I don’t know I just wasn’t prepared Patrice: Sorry Gilbert: Did not have that on my bingo card but okay… Hayden: WAIT. HOLD UP. HE’S GAY. SO LILY??? J.J.: …OH FUCK. OH NO. I SENT THE ANONYMOUS ROSES TO A RANDOM HOT CHICK. SHE’S PROBABLY LIKE “WHO IS THIS CREEP” RIGHT NOW 😂💀 FUUUUUUCK GUYS I USED MY REAL NAME Patrice: We just doxxed ourselves to a complete stranger who thinks some NHL player is obsessed with her. Amazing. J.J.: Fuck you I am not some NHL player fuck you fuck you fuck you Patrice: Still!!! Gilbert: GUYS FOCUS!!!!!! All the cottage head. The slapping Hayden heard. The welts. The phone call. The 20-minute showers. NONE OF THAT WAS A GIRL??? I don’t know what to think Hayden: YALL ARE FUCKING STUPID OKAY Lily is obviously a code name. For a DUDE. (Jackie’s idea to be fair) We spent weeks simping over a random Boston smokeshow who has no idea we exist. J.J.: WELL SHE DOES KNOW WE EXIST I SENT HER ROSES OKAY. COME ON THOUGH!!! Think boys!!! Boston connection. Someone who could hide at the cottage all summer. Boston fan boy…. Patrice: And those long showers suddenly make PERFECT sense… I’ve just realised…. Hayden: Yep. I’m not gay but I’ve done my research (and maybe a little personal experimentation alright, marriage gets creative okay??) those 20-minute showers were 100% douche o’clock. Prep time. That’s why it was a sacred ritual. He’s so regimented… even with that!! Gilbert: TMI TMI TMI ABORT HAYDEN STOP SHARING J.J.: HAYDEN NO PLEASE EYE BLEACH PASS THE EYE BLEACH I DONT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AND JACKIE Patrice: SHUT IT DOWN Hayden: NO NO LISTEN OKAY GROW UP WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS that’s where your PROSTATE is! It’s like a cheat code to orgasms! AND IT FEELS INSANE! Patrice: PLEASE make him stop please Hayden: What, none of you have ever tried it?? Finger?? Toy?? Come on boys, live a little!! BE BRAVE. HOLLY CLEARLY IS!!!! Gilbert: HAYDEN I AM BEGGING YOU ON MY KNEES 😂😂😂 PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE J.J.: WHY ARE YOU A PROSTATE EVANGELIST Patrice: I was happy in my ignorance. Thanks for the nightmare fuel. Hayden: Just saying!! Real Lily (male edition) has been absolutely WRECKING our cap all summer and that’s why Holly is the most chill human on planet Earth right now. Science bitch! Gilbert: We are never recovering from this J.J.: Whoever this mystery dude is… he fixed our boy. We owe him a fruit basket anyways, also I might go chat to Shane I think, should have been more supportive. Hayden: Same Patrice: Yes. But also. Operation: Find Actual Lily (Bro Edition) is now active. Red string and binoculars mandatory. Hayden: If Cap finds this chat we are all getting sent to hell (Ottawa) Patrice: HAHAHAHA YEAH HELL IS OTTAWA HAHAHAHA J.J.: Hard agree hahaha

Chapter End Notes

Comment something! Hit kudos! Go read my other works!! If you enjoyed this story, you might like my new fic where they are teammates to friends to friends-with-benefits to lovers. Go hit subscribe if you’re impatient. Go check out Shane Hollander and Paul Baker playing hockey because Paul Baker doesn’t realise Shane is famous

End Notes

come say hi on twitter and tell me I’m sexy and funny! If you enjoyed this story, you might like my new fic where they are teammates to friends to friends-with-benefits to lovers. 👀 In case you’re a het gal, the twenty minute shower is Shane douching because he’s a bottom. Google this on your own time. If someone wants to turn this into a TikTok (animated and with voiceover) I think it would do numbers. Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!