the comments are a dumpster fire

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

These podcasters are blind. Shane Hollander has scored more goals off his backhand than anyone else in the league.

@ARandomMetrosFan

You’re ignoring assists and shots on goal. If you actually watch the games, Scott Hunter has the strongest back hand in the league.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

Scott Hunter is ancient. His bones creak when he hits the puck. And his last five games? No goal.

@ARandomMetrosFan

His team won two of those games, asshole. It’s not about being selfish and flashy, it’s about getting the job done.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

Which team did New York lose to yesterday? I forget.

@ARandomMetrosFan

…Montreal.

@ARandomMetrosFan

Rozanov’s method is objectively wrong. It isn’t even a method, it’s just letting the chaos demons win.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

At least he didn’t take ten thousand years like Hollander redoing every single line he thought was slightly crooked.

@ARandomMetrosFan

Who is leading the league in goals again?

@PuckLife

You two argue in this comment section literally every week, get a room and make out already.

@ARandomMetrosFan

Gross. We’re just having a polite disagreement over hockey.

@PuckLife

This you? [screenshot of a compilation of @ARandomMetrosFan replies calling @SexyBostonHockeyMachine an asshole.]

@ARandomMetrosFan

Fuck off.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

ARandomMetrosFan can call me an asshole if he wishes, his hockey opinions are better than yours.

@ARandomMetrosFan

Um. Thank you?

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

Did you want to get that room? 😉

@ARandomMetrosFan

Go fuck yourself.

@TheSharpestCrayonBox

Order has been restored to the universe.

@TheIceShipWars

Uh, I high-key think they’re flirting at this point.

@ARandomMetrosFan

Wikipedia says flirting is attempting to increase intimacy and using double entendres. We are doing neither, so this is not flirting.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

🥵 I am now flirting. I have a puck I’d like to put in your net.

@ARandomMetrosFan

What?

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

LMAO, who asked for this? Could they not get a better player?

@ARandomMetrosFan

It got over a thousand views, asshole, clearly people are interested.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

That was just each of Hayden Pike’s children viewing the video once.

@ARandomMetrosFan

…

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

You laughed. Admit you laughed.

@ARandomMetrosFan

No

@TheIceShipWars

Someone please tell me I’m not the only one shipping these two.

@TheSharpestCrayonBox

They’re literally adorable? Someone needs to make a compilation of their interactions set to music.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

I ship it.

@ARandomMetrosFan

In your face, SexyBostonHockeyMachine! How does it feel to have your team knocked out in the first round?

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

Feels like the refs took a nap and didn’t call Hollander tripping Rozanov.

@ARandomMetrosFan

Fuck you, that wasn’t tripping. Rozanov fell over his own stick.

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

“Rule 57: Tripping– A player shall not place the stick, knee, foot, arm, hand or elbow in such a manner that causes his opponent to trip or fall.” [video clip of match]

@ARandomMetrosFan

Don’t throw the rulebook at me, I AM the rulebook: “Accidental trips which occur simultaneously with a completed play will not be penalized.”

@SexyBostonHockeyMachine

Funny, then how did Hollander bruise his foot if not from tripping Rozanov?

@ARandomMetrosFan

Wait, how did you know that

Lily

Weird question. Do you use SexyBostonHockeyMachine as your username on anything?

Ah. Were you watching the boring hockey podcast and noticed my comments? Yes, I flirted with ARandomMetrosFan, but that does not mean I have a type. I sleep with many people who are not Metros fans.

Rozanov. I’m ARandomMetrosFan

Oh.

Hi 💖

Fuck off

bestofhockey Rozanov best shots compilation! View all 125 comments
MontrealWinsTheCupAgain Yawn. Wake me up when he catches up with Hollander.
BearofaHockeyPlayer Rozanov’s goals are so hot, I bet you loved them.
MontrealWinsTheCupAgain I didn’t even watch them! I fell asleep!
BearofaHockeyPlayer 💔

bestofhockey Hayden Pike Fails View all 43 comments
BearofaHockeyPlayer Hilarious!
MontrealWinsTheCupAgain More like rude. They should make one of these for Rozanov.
BearofaHockeyPlayer Impossible. Rozanov never fails.

bestofhockey Shane Hollander’s new ad campaign is the hottest one yet! View all 564 comments
BearofaHockeyPlayer Disagree, would be hotter if he was wearing his glasses.
MontrealWinsTheCupAgain The glasses he only wears to read in private? The ones no one else knows about?
BearofaHockeyPlayer LMAO, I knew you were watching my best shots compilations.

The Taming of the Hockey Player by HollanovLover
Fandom - Hockey RPF

Creator Chooses Not to Use Archive Warnings, Shane Hollander/Hayden Pike, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Alternate Universe: Mob Boss Shane Hollander, blackmail, dub con, Dom/sub, Shane Hollander is obsessed with Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov has a praise kink, Top Ilya Rozanov, Bottom Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov walks Shane Hollander like a dog

1. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 23

   “Shane didn’t shed a single tear over Hayden’s death, because the Shayden ship was bullshit.” Really OOC for Shane Hollander. That’s his best friend, and he’s obsessing about some ship wars?

   Reply Thread Block
2. HollanovLover on Chapter 23

   Wow, a Shayden shipper in my comments section? Okay. Go write your own much worse fanfic.

   Reply Thread Block
2. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 23

   Fuck off, you literally tagged this Shayden and then immediately broke them up and had Hayden brutally murdered because he was “too stupid to live.” I don’t ship Shayden, I just can’t stand character assassination.

   Reply Thread Block
2. HollanovLover on Chapter 23

   Don’t like, jump off a cliff. Not my problem

   Reply ThreadBlock

1. hocketpucket on Chapter 28

   Ilya Rozanov is such an over the top Mary Sue self insert in this fic. Ridiculous that he started as an “innocent, very sexy hockey player” and he keeps acquiring more things he’s best at. Come on.

   Reply Thread Block
2. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 28

   Ilya Rozanov’s character is the best part of this fic, very true to life with how competent he is.

   Reply Thread Block
2. hocketpucket on Chapter 28

   Seriously? You liked when Ilya singlehandedly fought fifty hitmen to rescue Shane from the evil mob plot?

   Reply Thread Block
2. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 28

   Yeah, that part was hot.

   Reply Thread Block

1. ZamBOOM on Chapter 31

   Shane Hollander is OOC here, he wouldn’t give Ilya a blowjob while on the run from assassins.

   Reply Thread Block
2. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 31

   Yes, he would.

   Reply Thread Block

1. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 36

   You said this story takes place in 2015, but then you have Ilya Rozanov scoring fifty-two goals when he scored fifty-three that year. Completely took me out of the story.

   Reply Thread Block
2. HollanovLover on Chapter 36

   I will bring Hayden Pike back from the dead if you give me your phone number.

   Reply Thread Block
2. hocketpucket on Chapter 36

   I a little bit ship it, not gonna lie.

   Reply Thread Block

1. ShilyaHockey on Chapter 40

   “the cluster of three freckles on Shane Hollander’s thigh” This is… specific.

   Reply Thread Block

Lily

Are you writing fanfic about us?

I need to defeat the Shayden shippers! They are wrong and everywhere!

Whatever. You already have my phone number, bring Hayden back from the dead.

@SecretAnonymousUsername24

Contestant five should be exiled for using measuring spoons that sloppily.

@Throwaway81

Is not a measuring spoon contest. Good chefs can measure with eyeballs.

@SecretAnonymousUsername24

Disgusting blasphemy. Recipes are meant to be followed exactly.

@Throwaway81

Yesterday, I make myself a broccoli cheese soup, and I substitute out the broccoli for chicken.

@SecretAnonymousUsername24

THEN IT ISN’T BROCCOLI CHEESE SOUP?

@Throwaway81

I used beef stock instead of chicken. I did not measure the paprika.

@SecretAnonymousUsername24

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

@Throwaway81

I left a review on the recipe. Best broccoli cheese soup ever. Approved by SecretAnonymousUsername24

@SecretAnonymousUsername24

NO IT ISN’T

@CookeryCrockery

Would you two stop running up the comments section and just make out already?

@SecretAnonymousUsername24

Wait. Goddamnit, Lily is that you again?

@Throwaway81

Jane? Oh no. I might have a type.

End Notes

Okay, I should add a list of all the work skins I put together to make this because I am not smart enough to have come up with all this coding from scratch!

AO3 Fic-Within-A-Fic Work Skin by cheju
Youtube Comment Section Worksin by LupaMoe
Work Skin - Instagram Image Post by shysonata
AO3 Workskin Testing and Tutorials by junietuesday25
UPDATED Reddit Skin by spookedcroon by jinsake
How to Make iOS Text Messages on AO3 by CodenameCarrot, La_Temperanza