Chapter 1
Chapter Summary Ottawa mics up both of their captains for a game. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
Chapter Notes
For two months now I've been telling myself that I would NOT cave and start writing Hollanov fic. I failed. (Does this fandom already have a wonderful selection of social media / texting fics, AND a robust selection of mic'ed up fics? Yes! Will that stop me? No <3 Uwu or whatever) See the end of the chapter for more notes Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet Video: CRAIG SIMPSON: Big night tonight as the Ottawa Centaurs take on the Anaheim Hammerheads at home — both of the Centaurs captains, Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, are mic’ed up and live for this evening’s matchup. CHRIS CUTHBERT: You left out a pretty crucial detail there, Craig — former rivals Hollander and Rozanov are also married to each other, so we’re in for a show both on the ice and on the mic. SIMPSON: [laughing] Oh, sorry, I thought that was implied. Didn’t realize there was a single soul in Canada who doesn’t know that at this point. CUTHBERT: We've been told both Hollander and Rozanov were given a stern talking to by the Cens PR and media teams to keep things appropriate for national television tonight. SIMPSON: Hollander I trust with that task. Rozanov… I'm not so sure. He's a bit of a wild card. CUTHBERT: Let's just say, our tech team has the bleep button on hand. We'll be putting them to the test tonight with that five second live delay.
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover can’t wait for hollanov to #endhomophobia tonight when all of north america falls in love with them on the mic…….. pls just know me and the oomfs were #herefirst
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled FUCK FUCK CUNT BITCH CUUUUNT FUCK (i’m swearing on ilya’s behalf bc he’s not allowed to tonight)
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet Buckle up, hockey fans. Think you’ll need some popcorn for this one 🍿 Video: [Shane and Ilya bonk their helmets together on the ice.] ILYA ROZANOV: Go kill em, moya lyubov. SHANE HOLLANDER: [even more awkward than usual] You too. Uh, good luck, Rozanov. ROZANOV: Oh okay, I see how this is. [directly into mic, but loud enough for Shane to hear] Hello hockey fans, I am Shane Hollander, I am very professional, I will only speak to my husband in formal style for entire game because I am scared by teeny tiny microphone. HOLLANDER: Shut up. ROZANOV: Shut up? This is not how a Canadian hero should speak to his captain! HOLLANDER: Fu— eff off. ROZANOV: Excuse me, ref????? THIS MAN IS NOT BEING PROFESSIONAL PLEASE GIVE HIM MANY PENALTIES.
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy obsessed with hollzy clearly about to tell roz to fuck off, remembering he’s mic’d up, and backtracking to a middle school insult 😂😂😂😂😂
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled this is about to be the best night of my life i’m so serious
Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Okay my Russian is elementary at best but did Roz just call Hollander "my little tomato"???? Did I hear that right????
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly okay i want it on the record that i am a detroit fan and WILL be a detroit fan for the rest of my days, but as everyone’s favorite local russian expert (#slavaukraini btw), the gc has roped me into being their own personal translator for the night. so i figure i might as well put it on main so, for your reading enjoyment: a rus>eng translation thread for everything rozanov says on mic tonight 🧵 starting with: yes, he did in fact call hollander “my little tomato” lol. he also called him “my love” earlier, and under his breath called the ref what i can only translate as an “ugly shit- skate” 😂
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet Ottawa strikes first! First goal of the night comes from Rozanov, with the assist from Hollander 🚨🏒🥅 Video: ROZANOV: You call that a pass???? HOLLANDER: You still scored off it, asshole. ROZANOV: Yes, only because I am undisputed best hockey player in the world with reflexes like a very handsome fox. HOLLANDER: Undisputed? That's a new one for you. ROZANOV: Excuse you, I have known this word for long time. Problem was for many years I could not make it sound good coming out of my mouth. [pause] You know what does sound good coming INTO my mouth, though— HOLLANDER: LIVE TELEVISION, ILYA. ROZANOV: I was going to say Poyushchaya Ptitsa, is best Russian food in Ottawa. Get your head out of the pipe, Mr. All-Canadian Good Boy, I am trying to support local business. HOLLANDER: My head out of the— what? Do you mean get my head out of the gutter? ROZANOV: Yes, whatever. Gutter, pipe, is all the same in your stupid language. You still understand me, no? Anyway. [taps on the mic] People on TV, restaurant is called Poyushchaya Ptitsa, is in Kanata. Tell Oleg I sent you, maybe he gives me free food as thank you for so many new customers.
jords @rozanovzy mans got a multi million dollar contract and a deal with ccm and he’s still trying to get some free food from his favorite restaurant 😂😂😂 Easton Bray @dkent_guardy [Replying to @rozanovzy] What else would you expect from Rozanov? He’s a self-absorbed prick ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @dkent_guardy] babe. you are a DALLAS KENT shooter. perhaps look inwards before picking fights on matters the likes of which your red bull-addled pea brain cannot even comprehend Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @hollanovpilled] Hey man, that’s a little harsh……. Red Bull doesn’t deserve to be associated with this guy
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly OKAY I’M SORRY my little brother keeps trying to show me all the new things he’s added to the spaceship he built on minecraft lolllll but here’s the catch-up of rozanov’s russian, which at this point is mostly just increasingly absurd pet names for hollander: - my beautiful wife (he specifically said wife. not husband. lmao) - my maple syrup boy - my meerkat - my zamboni he also chirped at chesnokov on the hammerheads that maybe he would be better at blocking shots if his eyes weren’t on complete opposite sites of his head 😂😂😂 unfortunately the mic didn’t pick up chesnokov’s response
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy i can’t believe i used to hate roz, this guy’s fucking hilarious
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 Ilya calling Shane a meerkat? He gETS me
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly more on-mic pet names for you #hollanov fiends: - my cheese grater - my good clamshell (unclear why this one he specified "good"? are there...... bad clamshells????) rozanov also chirped at chesnokov that he should brush his teeth bc his breath smells like pampushki (pampushki are these really good roll things that are pretty garlicky, which is lowkey hilarious because chesnokov means “garlic” 😂😂😂😂 )
bee @roty24 i mean this with so much love + respect bc y’all know i am first and foremost a Shane Hollander Luvr, but like……. he rly is giving good clamshell Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @roty24] Well yes. He’s our good clamshell meerkat maple syrup boba eyed boy 🤩 bee @roty24 [Replying to @shilya2481] you used to be a kpop stan didn’t you
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet You’re always invited to karaoke night, @ilyarozanov81 🎤�🪩 Video: ROZANOV: [singing] Uptown girl… she’s been living in her uptown world... [intentionally shoulder checks Shane] I bet she's never had a backstreet guy... HOLLANDER: Stop. ROZANOV: [singing] I bet her mama never told her why… I’m gonna try for an uptown girl... HOLLANDER: Ilya, stopppp. ROZANOV: But Hollander… you are my uptown girl…… HOLLANDER: It’s distracting. Get your head in the game. ROZANOV: [singing] Getcha, getcha head in the game. You gotta getcha getcha getcha getcha head in the game. HOLLANDER: How…. how do you even know that song? ROZANOV: What are you talking about? Everyone knows squeaky basketball song. HOLLANDER: Have you even seen High School Musical? ROZANOV: Of course. Me and Svetlana did movie marathon one time. All three. Very interesting. First one is famous but is actually not as good as the others. This is my… what did Harris call it? Hot something? Hot potato? HOLLANDER: [laughing] Hot take? ROZANOV: Yes yes, that. Do you not agree? That first is secretly the worst? HOLLANDER: Uhhh. Sure. ROZANOV: You have never seen these films, have you? HOLLANDER: No. ROZANOV: Oh my godddd, you are so annoying. And so boring. I was living in Russia when these came out! How have I seen them and you have not! HOLLANDER: I mean, they’re not even Canadian. They're American. ROZANOV: And? Sveta was torrenting them in communist Russia, what’s your excuse? HOLLANDER: Russia hasn’t been communist your entire life. ROZANOV: Ah ah, this is not true. Six months, I live in communism, and the Russian people are saying “nonono this baby Ilya Rozanov, he is too perfect, is not fair to have him owned by the state. Government is ugly, does not deserve this beautiful boy, we need him to be free.” Then voila! No more communism. HOLLANDER: That is not what happened. ROZANOV: How would you know? You were busy with goo goo ga ga in Ottawa. In English AND French, because you are perfect baby Shane Hollander. Annoying. [blows raspberry] Okay, here is plan: tonight we will watch High School Musicals and you will see I am right. HOLLANDER: All three tonight? ROZANOV: Okay, maybe one tonight. Two tomorrow. I will make poppy corn. One bag for us, one bag for Anya. HOLLANDER: You know it’s just called popcorn, right? Not poppy corn? ROZANOV: What am I, Booboo the Fool? Yes, of course I know this. But poppy corn is more fun. You have no whimsy. HOLLANDER: Who the hell is teaching you all these words?
Grey @grey4cens Who is Anya???? Who else is this man making poppy corn for aside from his husband???? gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @grey4cens] that’s their dog 😂😍🤣🤭
jords @rozanovzy anya being rozy’s princess…… yktr � � �
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled the amount of money i would spend just to be a fly on the wall in a cens karaoke room with ilya on the mic…….. unholy. i would put myself into debt for that i’m not even joking
DJ Cerberus Bot 🔊🐶🐶🐶🤖 @DJCerberusBot Now playing in the Canadian Tire Centre: Uptown Girl by Billy Joel #OttawaCentaursMixtape
bee @roty24 hELP ARE THEY REALLY PLAYING UPTOWN GIRL IN THE ARENA DURING INTERMISSION SKSDFKSDFDSLK
DJ Cerberus Bot 🔊🐶🐶🐶🤖 @DJCerberusBot Now playing in the Canadian Tire Centre: Getcha Head in the Game from High School Musical #OttawaCentaursMixtape
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy dj cerberus thinks they’re soooooooo funny, huh (they are)
jords @rozanovzy i know for a fact ilya is back in the locker room getting down to that basketball choreography
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly more pet names! - my trombone - my steam engine right after hollander scored, rozanov called him “my champion” 🥺 and then he said “i love you”, which hollander said back (in russian! honestly his accent is decent)
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover MY CHAMPION 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 SHANE SAYING I LOVE YOU IN RUSSIAN 🥺🥺 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I’M FINE I’M FINE IT’S WHATEVER. I’LL JUST BE GETTING HIGH ON THIS FOR THE NEXT WEEK
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet We’re staying out of it ✋🤚 Video: [Ilya sits in the penalty box. He shouts after Shane as he skates by.] ROZANOV: FIGHT FOR MY HONOR, MOYA LYUBOV! HOLLANDER: No! That was a dirty hit, you deserve the time. ROZANOV: Oh, so you don’t love me anymore? Fine! Then I will hide all the protein powder in the house. [Shane skates away, and speaks into the mic where Ilya can’t hear him.] HOLLANDER: For the record, I know all of his hiding spots. I can’t believe he managed to hide a relationship for a decade but can’t find a place to stash his emergency cigarettes that I can’t sniff out in thirty seconds.
jords @rozanovzy AIRING THE MARITAL TEA OUT LMAOOOOO HOLLANDER I KNEW DEEP DOWN YOU WERE JUST AS MESSY AS THE REST OF US
Grey @grey4cens Listen, I’m just here for puck, I’m not one of those shippers, but… did Hollander just say they hid their relationship for a DECADE??
jords @rozanovzy woah woah woah. wait
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover managed to hide a relationship for……. im sorry, for HOW LONG?????
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled A DECADE?????
bee @roty24 i mean, we don’t know for sure it’s THEIR relationship? he said ROZANOV hid a relationship, not that they both did Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @roty24] Bee, girl. You know I love you. But when someone shakes you do the rocks inside your head rattle around? WHAT OTHER SECRET RELATIONSHIP WOULD HE BE TALKING ABOUT????
bee @roty24 ngl rozanov being a smoker is kinda giving me the ick…… i am sorry to say Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @roty24] He’s Russian, dude. Of course he smokes 😅
Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Isn’t Hollzy like, famously a super clean eater?? The contrast of him vs. his husband the chainsmoker is sending me kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @horseman12] ten bucks that if rozy’s been smoking, hollander makes him brush his teeth like five times before they kiss 😂😂😂
jords @rozanovzy ngl it’s actually been so lovely to finally get to see more of hollander’s real personality through his relationship with roz? we never got to see it before bc the poor bastard is always so awkward in front of a camera 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Hayden Pike ☑ @pikehayd_ [Replying to @rozanovzy] Yeah man Shane is funny as fuck ! I hope more people appreciate my bro off the ice Rose Landry ☑ @rroselandry [Replying to @pikehayd_] I second this statement � ☺ 💕
Amrit @bostonbearder Man I can’t believe shane fucking hollander managed to bag both rose landry AND ilya rozanov. There have got to be drugs in his awkward boy rizz or something Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying @bostonbearder] With a face like that you don’t need rizz bro. AND that bod? I’m not even gay but I’d tap that Shane Hollander’s Freckles @freckledhllndr [Replying to @kyle_g17] DONT FORGET THE FRECKLES!!!!!! ��� Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @kyle_g17] You sure youre not gay man? lol
Colton @voya8eurs can’t believe Im agreeing with a 🤢 Boston fan 🤢 but Ive been wondering this for ages. Hollander's jizz taste like kool aid or something? there’s gotta be some secret reason this guy pulls, he’s a fvcking bitch loser jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @voya8eurs] u just censored the word “fucking” and u wanna speak on bitch losers?? i know for a fact that just a couple years ago you were jerking off to your beloved captain hollander's goals
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy can we talk abt that guy thinking “hmmmm what’s the best tasting thing i can think of to describe hollzy’s jizz? gotta be kool-aid” and then hitting send and thinking he ate ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @brickwallhazy] he’s been drinking that montreal kool aid thats for sure kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @hollanovpilled] me when i drink the voyageur kool aid that makes u homophobic �😭� ❌��👬❌
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly sldfkjdsalfjasd hollander just russian pet named rozanov back and he called him “my weighted blanket” (i assume it’s bc rozanov hugged him so hard it looked like hollanov’s head was gonna explode?)
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly i fear ,,,,, that translating these weirdos for the past 2 hours has endeared me to them……… to be clear i hope we trample your dumb team next week but hollanov, i think of you fondly…………. something something papa’s orchard or whatever (i refuse to look up what that copypasta is, i’ve already done enough tonight)
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet Rozanov when asked how he feels about the Centaurs’ tight 2-1 home ice victory over the Hammerheads: “DJ Cerberus did good job with the tunes tonight. Nice playlist.” Watch the full post-game interview here: bit.ly/ot2o
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy akdjfbsjskd he’s so fucking annoying i love him
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover i genuinely cannot believe no one asked either of them about the secret relationship for a decade thing in the presser??? Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @neverhollanover] Well that’s not about hockey so gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @kyle_g17] okay and???? it’s important journalism Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @neverhollanover] Yknow….. Honestly yeah ur rite
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 Wait but okay. I’m still stuck on the secret relationship thing. Even if a decade is an exaggeration. Let’s say it was…….. 7 years. 7 years prior to them getting outed was 2014. Roz was DEFINITELY still in his public fuckboy era at that time kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @ shilya2481] maybe they weren’t official/exclusive yet? or they were official but open? they did live in literal different countries bee @roty24 [Replying to @brickwallhazy] hollander has such good boy aura though, i feel like that’s not his vibe Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @shilya2481] Don’t forget Hollander dated Rose Landry for awhile in there too Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @grey4cens] Tbh I just kind of assumed they broke up for awhile and she was his rebound or something
bee @roty24 man of course getcha head in the game is his favorite song from hsm Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @roty24] no no, is not my favorite. favorite is I Don’t Dance. thought this would be obvious
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy THATS THE FIRST THING YOU ADDRESS POST GAME??? ROZ???? PLEASE?????
jords @rozanovzy he wasn’t even named or tagged in that post imsjdfsldfj he’s in our walls fr
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover hey @ilyarozanov81 knock knock hi what’s up u gonna come on the record about the 10 year relationship orrrr (pls?)
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 The way that “A DECADE” is trending rn 🤪
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 Ugh fine. Yes yes, is true. I am so beautiful and sexy and charming and irresistible that my beloved sexually-repressed husband could not help jumping my bones all the way back in 2010 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Okay this is not what I meant when I said you could clear the air Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] you are right, I am sorry моя любовь. one second
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 Yes we were lovers starting in 2010, but I am not cheating bastard. For many years Shane and I were very stupid and thought we could do this thing called “fuckbuddies” without falling in love with each other. Was very silly. Did not work. Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] STOP SAYING LOVERS IT’S WEIRD Yuna Hanamori Hollander @yunahollander [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I think it’s sweet ❤❤❤ Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @yunahollander] MOM NO NOT THIS POST
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled 2010. two thousand and…... sorry i need a second. TWO THOUSAND AND TEN????????? two zero one zero. THEY WERE TEENAGERS
Grey @grey4cens AHAHAHAHAA IM DYING Roz: “Yeah man me and Hollander were playing hide the cucumber since we were teens. Really just goin at it” Hollander’s mom: “Awwww how sweet 🥰🥰🥰 ”
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover GUYS. GUYS. I JUST REALIZED. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WAS IN 2010????? THEIR FIRST FUCKING CCM SHOOT SKDKFJSJSKDK alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly [Replying to @neverhollanover] woaaah. so did this happen before or after that?????? (i’m invested now okay) Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @whenwheelsfly] 👀��
jords @rozanovzy wha t,,,. ILYA GRIGORYEVICH ROZANOV WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ????????
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover i can’t believe a detroit fan got a reply from ilya rozanov before i did…… jealousy is a #disease and it’s #terminal
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 Oh my god, our sweet little Hollander, face of the NHL, sneaking around with the league bad boy……….. scandalous 🤭🤭🤭 Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @shilya2481] Sounds like a movie lol Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @horseman12] and I would be SEATED for that movie
bee @roty24 everyone acting all shocked that shane was fucking around with roz for years before they got serious…….. this is just the same discourse all over again from when their relationship was first outed 🥱 he’s a grown man who can make his own choices. he's allowed to have sex. please touch grass Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @roty24] I mean yeah, but that doesn’t mean people can’t find the realization shocking. His whole image his entire career has been buttoned-up role model, and he was kind of famous amongst players for not hooking up on the road. A lot of people (reasonably) thought he was one of those no sex before marriage guys � kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @roty24 and @horseman12] not to mention he apparently doesn’t really go out or drink much either….. like yeah babe of course we’re surprised that our beloved league prude was actually a raging fruitcake slut all along (lovingly, with pride from a fellow raging fruitcake slut)
jords @rozanovzy turns out there’s a lot we didn’t know about our all-canadian goody two shoes…… but i mean, he IS married to a man who was once known as russia’s greatest fuck machine (love u ilya bby). maybe shane’s a secret freak Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @rozanovzy] he is [This post has been deleted.]
Grey @grey4cens HOLLANDER MADE HIM TAKE THAT DOWN SO FAST LMAAAOOOOOOO
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled shane said that’s enough #strict Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @hollanovpilled] OMG do u think hes gonna. You know. Punish him for that, if u know what I mean? 😉 He *is* still Captain Shane…… ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @shilya2481] with those big “dominate me” doe eyes? honey i don’t think shane is the one doing the punishing in that house
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy so i think what we all learned today is that roz likes to push the boundaries but at the end of the day, hollzy walks him like a dog 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @brickwallhazy] Yes Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] Oh so you can say this, but I cannot say very innocent thing about you being a secret freak???? Double standard 😤 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Down, boy. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] 🐶
Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Oh they’re FREAKS freaks skskskfjskskdjd
jords @rozanovzy #hollanovfreak4freak
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover never get addicted to hollanov you guys, i rlly mean it. i’m fucking overdosing rn. shaking and quaking like a chihuahua that ate an entire bag of sweet tarts and also some cocaine
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 The network is never gonna let them be mic’ed up again lmfao 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet [Replying to @shilya2481] Never say never! We only had to bleep them twice! 😉 Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @sportsnet] Oh my god please no. Tonight already gave me no fewer than twelve heart attacks 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Chapter End Notes
thank u for coming to my ted talk. if u like to suffer on the bird website like me, i'm @ilyaelizabeth yippeeeee (also, thank you to the homies in the groupchat for the hsm input and frenchspertise. y'all are icons)
Chapter 2
Chapter Summary Vanity Fair ☑ @VanityFair Buckle up, folks, because @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer hooked up to the Vanity Fair Lie Detector is going live in T minus 10 minutes… #HollanovVFLieDetector Harris Drover @drover_harris Ilya told me it was “not necessary” to screen the lie detector interview before it went up because the video is “fine”. I’m about to find out live with the rest of you if he was lying to my face or not. Please keep my sanity in your thoughts and prayers. #HollanovVFLieDetector
Chapter Notes
If I ever was going to add to this fic, I initially planned on it being another mic’ed up on ice segment. And then I read the excellent Vanity Fair Lie Detector chapter of oh my god you should see your faces by writinginasnowglobe and I said fuck. I’m about to cave again aren’t I (That is to say, the odds of another on-ice mic’ed up chapter are not zero. So. Make of that what you will, and subscribe if you don’t want to miss whatever tomfoolery my brain cooks up next.) See the end of the chapter for more notes Vanity Fair ☑ @VanityFair Buckle up, folks, because @ilyarozanov81 and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer hooked up to the Vanity Fair Lie Detector is going live in T minus 10 minutes… #HollanovVFLieDetector Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @VanityFair] OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENIENG
Harris Drover @drover_harris Ilya told me it was “not necessary” to screen the lie detector interview before it went up because the video is “fine”. I’m about to find out live with the rest of you if he was lying to my face or not. Please keep my sanity in your thoughts and prayers. #HollanovVFLieDetector gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @drover_harris] oh bestie ….. i fear we’re all in for an experience on this day
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: PRODUCER: Alright, Ilya, we’re going to start by establishing a baseline. What is your full name? ILYA: Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov. PRODUCER: What is your date of birth? ILYA: June 15, 1991. PRODUCER: What team do you play for? ILYA: Ottawa Centaurs. Gayest team in the NHL. PRODUCER: Did you or did you not directly cause the fall of the Soviet Union when you were an infant? SHANE: [off camera] That’s a BASELINE question?
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled oh my god we’re 15 seconds in and this is already the funniest thing i’ve seen all week, i’m locked the fuck in #hollanovvfliedetector BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander oh my god thEY’RE ASKING *EACH OTHER* THE QUESTIONS????? THE PRODUCER WAS ONLY THERE TO DO THE BASELINE????? OH MY GOD #HollanovVFLieDetector
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: SHANE: Have you ever let me win anything? In hockey or otherwise? ILYA: [BLEEP] no, never. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. SHANE: Have you ever let any of the Pike children win against you? ILYA: Of course not. If they are winning, it is fair and square because they are geniuses. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: Telling the truth. ILYA: They get it from their mom’s side. Hayden’s genetics don’t do [BLEEP].
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy hayden pike catching strays re: his six billion children….. Deserved Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @brickwallhazy] Asdflskadfjsdlfj what did he ever do to you?? kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @grey4cens] his wife is so hot and smart i want her for myself Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @brickwallhazy] I just googled her and you know what. That’s incredibly valid
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: SHANE: Hockey team notwithstanding, which city do you like better: Boston or Ottawa? ILYA: Not with what? SHANE: Not considering the hockey teams. ILYA: [long pause as he thinks] Ottawa. SHANE: Really? ILYA: My favorite is wherever you are. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. ILYA: Plus Yuna and David are in Ottawa, and I am their favorite son, so. That helps.
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled ILYA ROZANOV NEVER BEATING THE LOVERBOY ALLEGATIONS kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy man i know i was making fun of the kool aid jizz guy before but that hollander dick has really gotta be crazy if it makes a man say he prefers ottawa to boston (before anyone comes for me pls know i am FROM ottawa) Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @brickwallhazy] JUSTICE FOR OTTAWA!!!! BOSTON DOESN’T HAVE A SINGLE TIMMY HOS!!!!
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: SHANE: Am I a better hockey player than you? ILYA: No. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: That’s a lie. SHANE: Mmm. Have you always believed me to be a better player? Since we first met? ILYA: No, you have never been better than me. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: Another lie. ILYA: These tests are very unreliable, you know. Cannot even use them in court. SHANE: Have you or have you not privately admitted to me that I’m a better player than you and always have been? ILYA: I would think you already know the answer to this. Not sure why you have to ask again. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: Answer the question. ILYA: I may have said that. But maybe I was lying then. SHANE: Were you lying then? ILYA: Yes. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: That’s a lie. SHANE: I rest my case. ILYA: This is not court, Shane. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.
bee @roty24 THE ROZ VS. HOLLZY DEBATE CAN FINALLY BE PUT TO REST VINDICATION FOR HOLLANDER SHOOTERS EVERYWHERE jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @roty24] OBJECTION! my client remains the best hockey player in the world, unfortunately he is just very whipped and incapable of being objective
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: SHANE: [looks at question, then at producer] Do I have to ask this one? PRODUCER: You don’t have to, if you’re uncomfortable. But it would be funny. ILYA: What are you, chicken? Aaaask the question. SHANE: [longest sigh of all time] Fine. Ilya, in your early years in the league, you were known for hooking up with every woman on the planet. ILYA: I do not think that is how Vanity Fair wrote it down. SHANE: Of those one billion people you’ve [BLEEP]ed in your life, am I the best lay you’ve ever had? ILYA: [no hesitation] Yes. SHANE: [disbelieving] Really. ILYA: Well, maybe not at first. You had… what is it called, some learning curve? Like little baby deer who cannot walk yet. But you were very enthusiastic. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. SHANE: Okay, next— ILYA: You were soooooo eager. More than anyone else. Practically begging me to— SHANE: THAT’S ENOUGH, ROZANOV, THANK YOU.
Grey @grey4cens Not him pulling out the last name lmaooooo, that’s how you know he’s had it #hollanovvfliedetector gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover shane being super eager for rozy’s dick despite never being with a man before…. yes yes it’s all coming together. all of my headcanons are being confirmed bee @roty24 [Replying to @neverhollanover] do we know for sure roz was the first man shane was with? i’ve never seen him confirm it gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @roty24] it’s never been explicitly confirmed, but they’ve dropped enough hints tbh #noticing #observing #thinking
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: SHANE: You’ve said in previous interviews that my Russian accent is “pretty good”. Is that actually what you believe? ILYA: [squints] Mostly. SHANE: What does that mean? ILYA: Sometimes you sound like… what do you call it? A hick?
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 A HICK LSDKJFDLS;FKJSDFLJ alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly no but guys………. there’s a weird twang to hollander’s russian accent i’ve been struggling to put my finger on for ages. and rozanov just nailed it. hollander’s cadence and intonation does sometimes give hick 😭😭😭😭 no idea where the fuck he could’ve picked it up because rozanov’s accent is very classic moscow city boy, but it’s honestly kind of cute 😭😭 😭😭 #HollanovVFLieDetector
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander THEY’RE SWITCHING OH GOD IT’S SHANE’S TURN #HollanovVFLieDetector just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @81hollander] sorry are you livetweeting a fuckass YOUTUBE VIDEO??¿ BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander [Replying to @samwichbred] get off my ass or i’m telling mom you’re the one who broke the xbox controller just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @81hollander] hey @24rozanov come control your girlfriend, shes threatening me and i am just a CHILD jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @samwichbred] sam……. my beloved……… you are 21 years old
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: Hello, Shane. Fancy seeing you here. SHANE: Not really. We drove here together. ILYA: [throws away cue cards] I do not care about these. SHANE: [exhibiting speechless indignance] [trains his pleading eyes on producer] ILYA: So. Between us two, who is the better captain? SHANE: You are. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. ILYA: [blows raspberry] You are so boring. You couldn’t even try to lie a little to make this more interesting? SHANE: You know I can’t lie to you. ILYA: No. You can’t.
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander ILYA ROZANOV MY FOREVER CAPTAIN ☄☄☄☄ gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover the way that roz looked sooooo fond when shane said “you know i can’t lie to you”................. #yeah
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: Do you really think I am hottest person on the planet? SHANE: You’re seriously asking that? ILYA: Yes. Answer it. SHANE: [rolls eyes] Yes. I do. ILYA: Good. I already knew this, I just wanted you to say it for everyone else. Is important that they know.
jords @rozanovzy AND HE’S RIGHT ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled no wait i take everything back about ilya being a loverboy. it’s shane: certified loverboy. ilya: certified demon
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: Have you ever secretly broken your bird food diet and hid it from me? SHANE: No. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s lying. SHANE: No I’m not! I really haven’t. Every time I’ve broken my diet, you’ve known. Because you were the one who convinced me to do it. ILYA: Are you ever jealous of me when we’re eating together and I am having normal food like a normal person but you have to eat your dumb bird food? SHANE: It’s not bird food. ILYA: Yes it is, and you are my bird. Now answer. Are you ever jealous? SHANE: …Yes. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.
jords @rozanovzy starting the discourse now, what kind of bird do we think shane hollander is bee @roty24 [Replying to @rozanovzy] meerkat jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @roty24] close! that is a reptile 💚 Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @rozanovzy] What is the most awkward bird. That one jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @rozanovzy] walk with me here shane would 100% be one of those birds that has crazy feathers to attract a mate
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: When you were with Rose Landry, did you ever say my name during sex? SHANE: [goes red] No. ILYA: No? Are you sure? SHANE: Not out loud. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. ILYA: But in your head, yes? You were having sex with the hottest movie star on the planet and you were imagining she was me? SHANE: [stares at Ilya angrily] ILYA: Is simple question. You were [BLEEP]ing her and picturing me? SHANE: Well… maybe sometimes. Not the whole time. It wouldn’t work the whole time. ILYA: What do you mean, wouldn’t work? SHANE: Well, I mean… [goes somehow redder] The mechanics were. Different. ILYA: Ah, I see. Because you are little bottom boy and topping is scary. SHANE: [BLEEP] you. ILYA: Nonono, I will be [BLEEP]ing you, because you are pillow princess who— SHANE: I am not! ILYA: [smiles] No you are not. You are a [starts singing] pro rider, woo hoo hoo hoo rider… SHANE: Please stop, oh my god.
Troy Barrett ☑ @tt_barrett_fwd for those concerned about @drover_harris based off his radio silence since the video premiere started, don’t worry! hes in good hands. hes currently taking deep calming breaths and muttering to himself about where best to hide a body 👍 bee @roty24 [Replying to @tt_barrett_fwd] pls don’t let him kill roz, we need him for the cup 😭😭😭
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: The last game we played against each other. Did you trip on purpose? SHANE: [BLEEP] no. I’d sooner cut my own arm off than throw a game for you. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. ILYA: Have you ever wanted to punch any of your former Montreal teammates in the face? SHANE: No comment. ILYA: Theriault? SHANE: No comment. ILYA: Crowell? SHANE: Are you trying to get us both benched? ILYA: If Crowell thinks he can get away with benching us for a Vanity Fair video, he underestimates the wraps of sh— SHANE: The what? ILYA: The wraps. SHANE: Do you mean the wrath? ILYA: Whatever. Dumb language. If he thinks he can get away with benching us for this, he underestimates the wrath of the Hollanov she/they shooters. SHANE: I have no idea what the hell that means. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth.
jords @rozanovzy HELLO IT’S ME, YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SHE/THEY HOLLANOV SHOOTER, CLOCKING IN FOR MY SHIFT #HollanovVFLieDetector kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @rozanovzy] hello your honor would you be willing to accept a local they/them in your shooter gang, i come pre-armed and ready to fight jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @brickwallhazy] HELL FUCKIN YEAH COMRADE
jiwon 😌 @24rozanov the fact that ilya immediately tossed the questions vanity fair provided but still asked this one so that shane could join him in going on the (polygraphed) record on that insane “they’ve thrown games for each other” accusion………. best husband fr 🥹 #hollanovvfliedetector BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander [Replying to @24rozanov] i am soooooooo normal about all of this 🥰🥰🥰 Grey @grey4cens Honestly it’s so fucking sad that it’s been years and they’re still having to rehash this bullshit
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: Ugh okay, producer lady is gesturing like a crazy person, so fine, I will ask this question from the notecard. What is my most annoying habit? SHANE: You don’t fold socks properly. ILYA: They are socks, Shane. They are not meant to be folded. SHANE: Yes they are. Also, when you “accidentally” smoke a cigarette. ILYA: Oh, you will keep going. SHANE: How do you accidentally smoke a cigarette? Uh oh, a lit cig just fell into your mouth? And then you taste gross for like, an entire 24 hours. No matter how many times I make you brush your teeth. ILYA: This question only asks for one annoying habit, you know. SHANE: Oh, and you constantly leave the toothpaste cap way too loose on the tube. Twice this week it’s gotten loose and now Gumi thinks the cap is a toy. It shouldn’t even be possible to accidentally knock it off! You need to tighten it until you feel resistance.
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly domestic hollanov bickering is the best show on television actually
bee @roty24 …gumi…? gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @roty24] she’s their cat! gumi is short for megumi 🥰🐱 bee @roty24 [Replying to @neverhollanover] how did i not know they had a cat??? when/how did they get her???? gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @roty24] i think it was maybe…. 6 months ago or so? @svetavetrova apparently was distributed her by the cat distribution system when she was visiting ottawa, but because she lives in boston, she couldn’t keep her. so she brought her to hollanov’s house specifically to, and i’m quoting here, “terrorize our dear dog boy ilyushka”. megumi immediately imprinted on shane, and the rest is history 🤣�
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: Who do you like better, Anya or Megumi? SHANE: I love both my children equally. ILYA: [looks pointedly at polygraph technician] POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: That’s a lie. SHANE: It’s not! The thing is only going off because the question stresses me out! ILYA: Oh, so my other questions did not stress you out? SHANE: The other questions weren’t gotchas! ILYA: No? So this one is gotcha? This one you are afraid to answer because you know you have to lie? SHANE: This one I’m afraid to answer because I know you already have your preconceived notions of the truth. ILYA: Yes, you love Megumi more. Is okay because I love Anya more. It evens out. Who do you love more, Megumi or me? SHANE: You. POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: He’s telling the truth. ILYA: [to polygraph technician] Really? SHANE: Ha! ILYA: This is flattering, but I am not sure it is actually true. SHANE: [BLEEP], I should’ve asked you that question. I want you on the record about whether you love me or Anya more. ILYA: Ah, too late, Hollander. Too bad, so sad.
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover it’s cute that shane thinks that’s even a question. the ranking of who ilya loves most in the world is clearly: 1) shane 2) anya VERY LARGE GAP 3) everyone else VERY LARGE GAP dead last) hayden pike ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @neverhollanover] who else do we think makes top 5 tho. i think sveta makes it bee @roty24 [Replying to @hollanovpilled] yuna probably lmfao kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @hollanovpilled] jackie pike? he’s constantly gassing her up. which, deserved, but also i think he would put her in the top 5 just to piss hayden off jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @hollanovpilled] the way that aside from shane this is literally all women…… mans got taste Shane Hollander’s Freckles @freckledhllndr [Replying to @hollanovpilled] FRECKLES SHOULD GET THEIR OWN SPOT �🤓
just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @neverhollanover] at first i was confused about how hayden could be last when d*llas k*nt exists…… but ur right. only sentient beings with brain cells belong on this list BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander [Replying to @samwichbred] WHO;S LIVETWEETING A YOUTUBE VIDEO NOW???? just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @81hollander] i’m not livetweeting, i’m participating in discourse
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT: ILYA: Why won’t you let me leak our sex tape? SHANE: I think that’s pretty obvious. ILYA: But the whole world needs to see how well you take my— SHANE: [lunges forward and throws his hand over Ilya’s mouth] POLYGRAPH TECHNICIAN: [gestures at the blood pressure cuff and finger sensor, which both came loose in the scuffle] I can’t get a clear reading on that one.
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander APOLOGIES TO @24rozanov FOR ACCIDENTALLY SMACKING YOU IN THE FACE, I HAD A VISCERAL REACTION TO THAT THAT I COULD NOT CONTROL Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY ENDED THE VIDEO LIKE THAT ASDL;FKJSADLFKJ jords @rozanovzy okay so what i’m hearing……. is that somewhere out there in the world………. there IS a hollanov sex tape………. #goodforthem #wouldbebetterificouldseeitthough ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @rozanovzy] tbh this surprises me a little bc i kind of thought our #strict king shane hollander would never risk something like that jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @hollanovpilled] the variable you’ve forgotten to consider is how freaky they are #hollanovfreak4freak alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly why is the polygraph technician lowkey so funny tho lol
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 hello I am starting a petition to convince @shanehollanderhockeyplayer to let me release our sex tape. please sign https://bit.ly/4a8Ia75 jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] #SIGNED
Harris Drover @drover_harris I give up. kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @drover_harris] look we have it on the record that you tried with him and that’s all that really matters
Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer Does anyone know any good divorce lawyers in Ottawa? Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no. they do not exist. nice try Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] also this would be more convincing if you were not being my little spoon rn
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 BREAKING: Canada’s sweetheart @shanehollanderhockeyplayer just KICKED ME IN THE SHIN!!!! RUTHLESS Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Thank you @shanehollanderhockeyplayer 🤗 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Ruthless? Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] yes? did I not use this right? Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] No, you did. I just wouldn’t call that ruthless Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] you are right. real ruthless is me on the ice. good boy Shane Hollander could never
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 HE KICKED ME EVEN HARDER Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] deserved #teamshane Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @svetavetrova] ты для меня мертва. Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] 😘 Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ILYA ANSWER YOUR PHONE
Chapter End Notes
ты для меня мертва = "You're dead to me" I tried to be a good polite midwesterner on the last chapter and respond to all your delightful comments, but y’all are too lovely and kind and generous and it got to be way too much lol. So I may not reply to all comments on this chapter but pls know I read and appreciate them all!!!!! catch me on the bird website @ilyaelizabeth😎 oh also btw shane picked up the hick accent from watching russian farmer videos to try to improve his listening comprehension. he finds them soothing
Chapter 3
Chapter Summary Mic'ing up Shane, Ilya, AND Scott Hunter during Ottawa's pride night is either a genius idea or the worst idea anyone's ever had. Depending on who you ask.
Chapter Notes
this one got out of control. i’m sorry slash you’re welcome, whichever applies. See the end of the chapter for more notes Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet Who’s ready for #PrideNight in Ottawa vs. New York? We’ve got not one, not two, but THREE players mic’ed up tonight… sound off in the comments as to who you think they are 😎 gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @Sportsnet] don’t fuckin tease me sportsnet i stg Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @Sportsnet] Our � squad? Hollanov and Barrett?? Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy [Replying to @shilya2481] this is Luca Haas erasure 😤 sky 🍌 @scottsbananasocks [Replying to @Sportsnet] SCOTT HUNTER CARTER VAUGHN MATTI JALO SEND TWEET jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @scottsbananasocks] girl why the fuck would they mic up three admirals at the cens home game pride night
� grant @barrettredemptionarc as much as i would love mic’ed up barrett….. y’all are completely overlooking that this is the last ott-nyc matchup before hunter’s retirement….. they’re absolutely mic’ing roz, hollzy, and hunter kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @barrettredemptionarc] oh my god….. oh my god punch emoji grant i bet you’re right
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet You called it… mic’ed up at tonight’s Centaurs vs. Admirals #PrideNight: Cens captain Ilya Rozanov, Pride of Ottawa Shane Hollander, AND New York captain Scott Hunter. You won’t want to miss this one. Coverage starts at 6:30pm ET, puck drop at 7 � Grey @grey4cens Oh my god this is gonna be chaos just a samwich @samwichbred i hardly even go here but has anyone checked on @drover_harris? harris, has anyone armed you with some xanax in preparation for tonight??
Kip Grady @kipgradingpapers Can’t wait for y’all to hear Roz and my husband at each others’ throats for three periods and then catch them secretly giggling over the foosball table at Roz and Hollander’s place tonight 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Leah Campbell @campbellonice [Replying to @kipgradingpapers] if they need another thumb wrestling ref they know where to find me (gossiping with @eric_bennett_hockey while @themaxriley dotes on Anya in the corner) Kip Grady @kipgradingpapers [Replying to @campbellonice] so excited to see all of you!!! 💕💕💕
bee @roty24 hold on…… youre telling me they’re having gay hockey avengers assemble night at the hollanovs place after the game??? ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @roty24] GAY HOCKEY AVENGERS ASSEMBLE RAAAAAAHHHHHHH
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet The game hasn’t even started yet, but for @ilyarozanov81 it’s always time for a good chirp 🐥 Video: [Rozanov skates up to the center line during warm-ups, where Hunter is stretching.] ROZANOV: Think you’re going to make it to the end of the game? Or should I tell the med team to keep the stretcher ready? HUNTER: I think you just want an excuse to uninvite me from the little retirement party your husband is throwing me tonight. ROZANOV: Well, yes. Obviously. HOLLANDER [skates up]: You still trying to convince the public that you don’t voluntarily go to the Kingfisher at least twice every time you're in New York? ROZANOV: This is to see Eric. And Kyle. And Kip. Not this loser. HOLLANDER: Sure. ROZANOV: You know, Hunter, Shane thought maybe we could have this party a little later, not during the season, you know? But I said no no, if you insist on doing it we will have to do it now. New York is not making playoffs this year because their center is a dinosaur, but Cens are winning the cup, so will we be so busy later and who knows when we will see Hunter next. Have to do it now while Grandpa Dino Man can still walk. HUNTER: Don’t act like you’re so far behind me, Rozanov. I’ve seen you out there favoring your left side the past few games. With no new injuries on record this season? That’s a classic old geezer move. Your age is finally catching up to you. ROZANOV: Oh, so you are watching my play closely? You are hoping to learn some tips and tricks? Is sweet that you are still trying even when they are about to put you down. HUNTER: In your dreams. ROZANOV: Maybe favoring left side is a hot new trick recommended by science. You wouldn’t know, you are so old that the only treatment you know is… Shane, what was it called in the documentary we watched? Where evil bird-face man cut the lady’s arm to make her fever go away? HOLLANDER: Bloodletting? ROZANOV: Yes, that. Hunter treats everything with bloodletting because he was born in the Middle Ages. HUNTER: Hollzy, he fucked up something on his right side, didn’t he? HOLLANDER: Oh yeah. Too many hard hits on that right knee and now it creaks and cracks like nobody’s business. ROZANOV: Fake news. Not real. HOLLANDER: I keep trying to get him to go to PT more often, but he insists he’s fine. ROZANOV: I am fine. I am very hot and fit, ask anyone here. HOLLANDER: [humoring him] You’re very hot and fit. But you’re also a professional athlete in your thirties who didn’t start properly taking care of your body until a decade into your career, when I finally forced you to. HUNTER: Let me know if you want any of my old man tips and tricks, Roz. Sounds like you need ‘em. ROZANOV: Go fuck yourself, Hunter. HOLLANDER: Quit swearing, Ilya, we’re live. ROZANOV: Oh, so you can tell the whole world lies about my very healthy and perfect knee, but I cannot swear a little? And anyway, he swore first. Does not seem fair. HUNTER: Life’s not fair, buddy. That’s something you’ll learn in your old age.
Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy Roz’s dedication to chirping Scott Hunter for being old even though he himself has been in the NHL for like 15 years at this point……… that’s a man who hates for the love of the game baby Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Incredibly in character for Roz to be tattling to Hollzy that Hunter swore first 😂😂😂 That’s my captain
sky 🍌 @scottsbananasocks anyone else sick of r*z still chirping scottie for his age……? like. cmon now. havent you grown out of that yet????? gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @scottsbananasocks] no and he never will bby, bc he’s funny as fuck. i know that’s hard to imagine when u stan a #bloodletter with the personality of room temperature oatmeal sky 🍌 @scottsbananasocks [Replying to @neverhollanover] i censored his name how did you even FIND me gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @scottsbananasocks] not denying the room temp oatmeal allegations i see 🥰 ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @neverhollanover] gracie babe stop picking fights with strangers on the internet. some ppl just have bad taste and we have to let them live with that sky 🍌 @scottsbananasocks [Replying to @hollanovpilled and @neverhollanover] jesus christ you both sound just like him
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet That karaoke invite is still standing, @ilyarozanov81. Video: ROZANOV: [singing] God, what have you done? You’re a pink pony girl, and your dad’s at the club. Oh mama… HOLLANDER: Huh? ROZANOV: [singing] I’m just havin’ fun, on the stage in my heels— HOLLANDER: No, back up. ROZANOV: What? HOLLANDER: Go back to the line before that. Sing it again. ROZANOV: You have never asked me to sing before. Is this some sort of new kink? HOLLANDER: No, you weirdo. Just — I want to hear what lyrics you said. ROZANOV: [singing] God, what have you done… HOLLANDER: Uh huh. Keep going. ROZANOV: [singing] You’re a pink pony girl, and your dad’s at the club. HOLLANDER: That’s not the lyric. ROZANOV: I’m sorry, you think YOU know pop music lyrics better than me? Once I showed you a picture of Sabrina Carpenter, you said she looks like a nice girl but you have never seen her in your life. HOLLANDER: Well this song’s not by Sabrina Carpenter, and I do know the lyrics. Which are not “your dad’s at the club”. It’s “you dance at the club”. ROZANOV: No. This is wrong. It is “your dad’s at the club”. HOLLANDER: Why would her dad be at the club? ROZANOV: I don’t know. She is already talking about her mom. Why not? HOLLANDER: It’s a gay club, Ilya. ROZANOV: Okay, so? Maybe her dad is gay. I don’t judge. HOLLANDER: Would you want to go to the club with your — no, with my parents? ROZANOV: Um, yes. I would have so much fun with Yuna and David. HOLLANDER: Okay fine, if you were me, would you want to go to the club with them? ROZANOV: Well you never want to go to the club, so I do not know why it matters who’s there. HOLLANDER: You know what? Never mind. Just know I’m right. ROZANOV: No way. You do not know any lyrics of anything. Impossible. HOLLANDER: We all grow and evolve as people, Ilya. I mean, not you, because you still refuse to fold socks. But normal people can.
Grey @grey4cens GET HIM HOLLY LMFAAAAAOOOOOOOO bee @roty24 i do hate to say it but in this case i do think rozanov is right. there is NO need to fold socks. put em in their pair, ball em up, DONE Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @roty24] but wouldn’t that count as folding them? I don’t know that’s what he means jords @rozanovzy on god if this gets us into a discourse about the definition of what it means to fold socks i will hoedown throwdown myself all the way into the sea � �
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet Strategizing at intermission? Out. Looking up @chappellroan lyrics at intermission? In. Video [Shane and Ilya walk back out to the rink after intermission.] ROZANOV: No, I do not believe it. The internet is wrong. HOLLANDER: Literally every site you went to said the lyric is “you dance at the club”. How could all of them be wrong? ROZANOV: They are playing one big practical joke, maybe. HOLLANDER: Hey, Coach? Finish the lyric. “I’m a pink pony girl, and…” COACH WIEBE: [looking incredibly confused, faintly picked up by mics] “And I dance at the club?” HOLLANDER: See?? Even Wiebe knows. ROZANOV: Even Wiebe can be wrong sometimes. Like when he tried to have us playing on different lines at first. Wrong. Stupid. HOLLANDER: You do remember you’re on a live mic right now? ROZANOV: Yes, I have said this to his face and I would do it again. Me and Wiebe are besties. HOLLANDER: Sure. ROZANOV: I think Fabian met Chappell Roan once. Do you think she follows him on Instagram? Next intermission I am texting Fabian and asking him to ask her what the lyrics are.
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy leaving martial spats at home? out. dragging your coach, your pop star friend, and the entire sportsnet audience into your marital spat? in
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander #wiezanov #bestfriendsforever jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @81hollander] okay babe let’s workshop this ship name before we lock it in bc this sounds like the symptom of an upper respiratory condition
Grey @grey4cens Sometimes I forget that they know like. Actual famous people outside of hockey famous people lol Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @grey4cens] I mean they ARE the hockey famous people lol Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @kyle_g17] oh hello Kyle nice to see you again, are you gay yet? Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @grey4cens] Im not gay � Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @kyle_g17] you keep tellin yourself that, bud!
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet It’s getting serious. Video: ROZANOV: Hey, Hunter? I know you don’t know because you are a million years old, but next intermission can you ask your husband what the lyrics are to Pink Pony Club? HUNTER: The fuck are you talking about, Rozanov? ROZANOV: Ugh, I knew you would be useless. HUNTER: Gee, thanks. ROZANOV: Did you switch from rainbow tape to regular tape at intermission? HUNTER: What? Oh, yeah. The pride tape was fraying on me. ROZANOV: So instead of replacing with more pride tape, you put boring white tape on? This is homophobia, I think. HUNTER: Rozanov, you were at my gay wedding. ROZANOV: Mmmm, this was so long ago, though. Now you are upset you are losing to the gayest team in the league, so you decide to become homophobe at intermission. HUNTER: Your husband isn’t using pride tape. ROZANOV: Shane is very specific about stick tape. When he does not have the right kind, this is very bad for him, for me, for the whole team. HUNTER: But by your logic, doesn’t that make him a homophobe? ROZANOV: He likes my cock too much to be homophobe. HUNTER: Jesus Chr— [sighs] He’s gonna kill you for that one. ROZANOV: [grinning] Yes, probably. But he is hot when he’s angry.
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly no but fr can we talk about rozy specifically using bi flag stick tape tonight 🥹🥹🥹 my poor bisexual heart can’t handle it 🩷💜💙
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy ilya being like yeah and my husband is extremely autistic about his stick tape, so what???? so WHAT, HUNTER?????? Jessica M @jesslovestheworld [Replying to @brickwallhazy] I dont know how I feel about u talking about Shanes autism like that….. My brother is autistic and Ive done some volunteering with Autism Speaks and autism is really a social disorder, its not about taping sticks or whatever………. kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @jesslovestheworld] jessica? jessica. i MYSELF have the tism. i think i’m more suited to speak on the autistic experience than you are. begone allistic scum � grant @barrettredemptionarc [Replying to @jesslovestheworld] also, autism speaks is a trash organization that tries to “cure” autistic people. jess you may love the world but your brother probably hates you Shane Hollander’s Freckles @freckledhllndr [Replying to @jesslovestheworld] JESSICA M, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO PERCEIVE SHANE HOLLANDER’S BEAUTIFUL FRECKLES ���� ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @brickwallhazy] omg kier you’re nonbinary, autistic, AND from ottawa? pick a struggle dawg 😭😭😭😭 kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @hollanovpilled] i know……. i am So Brave
Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet The game may be over, but the pride never stops ��� Video: HOLLANDER: Ilya. Ilya. ROZANOV! We need to stay on the ice for the photo-op. ROZANOV: What? What photo-op? HOLLANDER: The one Harris told us about like, three times? Both teams, center ice, pride jerseys? ROZANOV: Oh. I was not listening. HOLLANDER: Yeah, no kidding. HUNTER: [skates up] Should us old queer mainstays post up in the center, do you think? ROZANOV: There is only one person here who is old, and it is you, Mr. Retirement. [Hollander drags Rozanov to center ice. Hunter follows, laughing.] ROZANOV: If we are taking a picture, please can we get some bisexual lighting in here? Is only fair, I think. My goal won the game, so… HUNTER: Hollander, I have no idea how you put up with this guy 24/7. HOLLANDER: Honestly? Me neither. ROZANOV: Hey! Hey!!! [Rozanov lunges towards Hollander, tackling him to the ice. As they giggle and grapple, the press and photographers go wild. Off to the side, Harris Drover sighs.]
just a samwich @samwichbred hello hockey fans please donate to my gofundme to fund a month-long vacation for @drover_harris after the season ends. he’s been through so much. he deserves it Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @samwichbred] Screw the vacation, I think I may need a lobotomy jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @drover_harris and @samwichbred] UP THAT FUNDRAISING GOAL WE GOTCHU KING
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 hello @chappellroan please clear this up for the sake of my marriage, is the line in Pink Pony Club “and you dance at the club” (wrong answer) or is it “and your dad’s at the club” (right answer) Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 You know…… he’s going big, and you gotta respect that. If he’s gonna publicly embarrass himself for being so loudly wrong, might as well go all out with it
Chappell Roan ☑ @chappellroan [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] it’s definitely “and you dance at the club” but i do love how confidently wrong you are king 💕
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOO Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Told you so.
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHAHASDFSFJAS;FL I CANT BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY RESPONDED jords @rozanovzy CHAPPELL????? MOTHER????? sky 🍌 @scottsbananasocks whack him for me, queen �
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 ugh okay fine. you may win this one, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer. however @chappellroan you are still very cool and you write bops. you should come to a Cens game. we are very gay Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] also Ottawa is very uninteresting like Missouri so it will feel like home Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT????? Ms. Roan, @missourigov, @CityOfOttawa I apologize for my very rude husband Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] well I kind of doubt Missouri and Ottawa would’ve seen this if you hadn’t just TAGGED THEM Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] The city of Ottawa follows less than 100 people and you are one of them, Ilya. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] omg I am a hometown hero 😍😍😍🤩🤩🤩 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Hometown? HOMETOWN???? Of OTTAWA??? Only one of us is the hometown hero here and it sure as hell isn’t you Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] yes yes it is. no one cares about that other guy. he’s a poser. played for another team for 11 entire years. they were losers and we hate them but still Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] SO DID YOU??? Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no I have never played for another team, this is lie. liar told you this Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] also was not 11 years. was only 8. single digit is very different from double digit Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] yes I can I am bisexual. you know this. is not news Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] You’re so fucking annoying. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no I am not. we both know you accidentally trained yourself to not be able to fall asleep if I’m not there. 30 minutes in you will be begging me to come back to bed Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I maintain that you did that to me on purpose. You did some sort of evil Pavlovian science on me Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] not my fault you are like fluffy little cat who purrs when he is pet. have to pet my Shane to sleep Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] IS THAT WHAT IT IS?????
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled wow. years into the marriage and shane is still getting ragebaited by his husband…… that’s romance jiwon 😌 @24rozanov okay but that’s……. actually SO cute 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy Shane really is just like a fluffy little black cat who’s 😡 ANGY 😡 but is so baby that his screams of anguish sound so tiny and cute [Retweeted by Ilya Rozanov ☑ ]
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander excusez moi @shanhollanderhockeyplayer @ilyarozanov81 pls speAK INTO THE MIC WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHAPPELL ROAN SONG Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @81hollander] Shane is cheating. he is looking up all her songs and listening to them to decide Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @81hollander and @ilyarozanov81] I’m not cheating! I know the songs! You made me listen to all of them! I just don’t know them by name, so I need to be reminded! Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @81hollander and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] CHEATER! FAKE FAN! Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @81hollander and @ilyarozanov81] You didn’t know the lyrics of one of her most famous songs and I’M the fake fan??? Anyway, Bailey, my favorite is Love Me Anyway :) Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @81hollander and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] well MY favorite, Bailey, is The Giver. I relate to it ��� we can’t all be pillow princesses like my husband☺ 😘🥰 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @81hollander] STOP SLANDERING ME??? THIS ISN’T TRUE. I WORK HARD
� grant @barrettredemptionarc i’m gonna be honest, never in my days did i expect canada’s hero shane hollander to be here on twitter dot com defending his ability to ride dick jords @rozanovzy alas,,,, there’s only one way to solve this spat………… #RELEASETHESEXTAPE gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover sorry rozy bby, the entire internet is on team holly for this. the concept that Thee Shane Hollander wouldn’t put his whole shanussy into everything he does is kind of laughable actually bee @roty24 [Replying to @neverhollanover] he also went on the record calling shane a pro rider like a month ago lolllllll
Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @81hollander] Sorry, Bailey, but in light of recent events, I’ve changed my mind. My favorite Chappell Roan song is actually The Subway, because it reminds me of @rroselandry #shegotaway Kip Grady @kipgradingpapers [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer and @81hollander] FYI everyone, @ilyarozanov81 is now pouting at the wall because of this tweet from Shane
Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 Oh my god I forgot theyre aLL TOGETHER AT HOLLANOV HQ RN SAL;KDFJSALD;FJK Kip Grady @kipgradingpapers [Replying to @shilya2481] they are literally just sitting next to each other furiously typing on their phones. They're making poor Anya host all on her own Leah Campbell @campbellonice [Replying to @kipgradingpapers and @shilya2481] thank god she’s a charming and independent young woman who can hold the fort down by herself
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled asdfsdfdsfsads wow. years into the marriage and ILYA is still getting ragebaited by HIS husband…… that’s romance Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 I owe you an apology, Hollander….. I wasn't really familiar with your ragebaiting game kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy didn’t know shane knew how to use hashtags……. he’s Evolving
Rose Landry ☑ @rroselandry [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] Personally, I’m a fan of Femininomenon…… reminds me of how men like @ilyarozanov81 can’t get it hot etc. like us girlies can 😉 Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying @rroselandry and @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] ah see I thought that song was about how Shane couldn’t get it up when he was with you :/ Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ILYA Cliff marleau ☑ @cliffmarly7 [Replying to @ilyarozanov81, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @rroselandry] my favorite is My kink is Karma . reminds me of when hollander started dating Rose landry and roz crashed the fuck out for weeks on end Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @cliffmarly7, @ilyarozanov81, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @rroselandry] my favorite is Casual bc it reminds me of how Ilyushka tried to convince himself he wasn’t in love with Shane for like 7 years �
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover oh my god. oh my GOD ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @neverhollanover] deep breaths girl i know this is an overwhelming lore drop but i need you to stay with me Amrit @bostonbearder Marley…. What the fuck did you just drag us into 😅
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @svetavetrova, @cliffmarly7, @shanehollanderhockeyplayer, and @rroselandry] having fun are we? Cliff marleau ☑ @cliffmarly7 [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] a lot more fun than you were having when hollander was bangin rose Landry I can tell you that. Remember that day they were on the news in the training room, you were so mad about it that stubbed your toe really hard when you turned it off, and then you were so mad the rest of the day that you made us all skate suicides until @vickyst_simone vommed? Victor St-Simone ☑ @vickyst_simone [Reply to @cliffmarly7 and @ilyarozanov81] wait is THAT why you almost killed me that day???? because you were jealous about your secret gay boyfriend’s hot movie star girlfriend??? why didn’t you just get in on that and solve the problem?? man I thought I was gonna die Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @vickyst_simone, @cliffmarly7, and @ilyarozanov81] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA no Vicky. Vicky I know you’re picturing fuckboi threesome Roz, but you have to forget about him. once he started getting in his feels about Shane he started getting SO jealous it was actually insane. I used to provoke him just for fun Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @svetavetrova, @vickyst_simone, and @cliffmarly7] evil, mean woman………. exploiting my latent loverboy tendencies………………. Cliff marleau ☑ @cliffmarly7 [Replying to @ilyarozanov81 and @svetavetrova] latint? the fuck does that mean, whos teaching you all these words roz Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @cliffmarly7 and @ilyarozanov81] Boston’s most notorious fuckboi is now so far domesticated these days that he plays Scrabble with his in laws 😔 Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @svetavetrova] you have literally played with us??? and I kicked your ass???? Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ONLY BECAUSE YOU SWEET TALKED SHANE INTO LETTING YOU USE RUSSIAN WORDS. I DEMAND A REMATCH Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @svetavetrova and @ilyarozanov81] I’m sorry Sveta, I was kind of drunk and he is very persuasive :( Svetlana Vetrova ☑ @svetavetrova [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] not your fault bb. never your fault 🥰🥰🥰
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover there is too much going on. there is too much going on i literally cant handle it. i fear my own explosion is imminent Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 This day with go down in Hollanov history 😳
Scott Hunter ☑ @scott21hunter Hey @ilyarozanov81 you’re out of beer, are you gonna actually be a good party host or are you gonna keep tweeting about your husband …? Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @scott21hunter] there is more in the basement go get it yourself. unless you are too old and frail for stairs
Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy Wait why did they all suddenly go radio silent Rid Roz push Hunter down the stairs. Should we be concerned ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to hazyhaasy] someone call in @campbellonice. leah please. we need a status report. these men can’t be trusted
Leah Campbell @campbellonice HAHAHAA don’t worry everyone, no homicides today. As for the requested updates: Ilya DID go get the beer himself bc Shane pouted at him about it. Now Ilya and Scott are playing Chel against each other (but playing AS each other bc Bennett insisted those are the rules) and chirping the shit out of each other. All is right in the world again☺ Eric Bennett @eric_bennett_hockey [Replying to @campbellonice] you forgot to mention the crucial detail that Hollzy is ragebaiting Roz by rooting for the Cens and the digital Roz (aka Scott) instead of the real him 😅😅😅 Gay Sex Saved Hockey @shilya2481 [Replying to @eric_bennett_hockey] oh my god 💀💀💀💀💀
Leah Campbell @campbellonice Scott has now banned us all from using our phones bc the party is for him and he makes the rules, so I guess see you all on the other side 🤣� Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @campbellonice] yes he is going full old man yells at cloud about it. has nothing else to do now that he is retiring Scott Hunter ☑ @scott21hunter [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Stop hiding in the kitchen and tweeting, get back out here so I can finish kicking your ass Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @scott21hunter] I am having to play as YOU and your team has no cohesion because you are old decrepit captain. meanwhile you are playing as me and with my perfect gay team. OF COURSE I am losing 😤😤😤😤😤 is not a fair matchup
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy the closeted little me of 15 years ago would never believe im saying this, but thank fucking god im a hockey fan and thank fucking god im a cens fan. i’ll never be bored again � 🙏
Chapter End Notes
i actually have a visceral hatred for the word cawk so the fact that i had ilya use it shows an immense amount of bravery on my part also i know sportsnet is canadian and they would spell it “centre” rather than “center” but this is my world and you can’t make me suffer with me on the avian hellscape @ilyaelizabeth (elizabeth is his legal middle name of course)
Chapter 4
Chapter Summary Step 1: Win the Cup. Step 2: Get drunk. Step 3: Karaoke.
Chapter Notes
what is the timeline on this, you ask? DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. but it’s far enough in the future that there would presumably be new rookies other than the babies we know from tlg (they grow up so fast…….) so i made some rookies up. i’ve only had jonáš veselý and parker chen for a day and a half and they’re only in this for two seconds, but if anything happened to them, i would kill everyone in this room and then myself anyway THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND KIND COMMENTS I LOVE YOU MUAH MUAH MUAH YOU’RE DOING INCREDIBLE THINGS FOR MY EGO. OKAY LET’S GO See the end of the chapter for more notes Sportsnet ☑ @Sportsnet There you have it, hockey fans… the Ottawa Centaurs triumph 4-3 in OT over the LA Sovereigns! For the first time in franchise history, Ottawa takes home the cup 🏆🏆🏆 kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy THOSE AER MY FUCKING BOYYYYYYS Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 This is ??? The best day of my life????? And I’m literally married gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover DEMOCRACY WINS!!!!!!! THE ROYALS FALL!!!!!!!! jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @neverhollanover] ILYA ROZANOV THAT’S MY FUCKING PRESIDENT BABEYYYYYY ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @rozanovzy and @neverhollanover] PRESIDENT ILYA ROZANOV PRIME MINISTER SHANE HOLLANDER RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy You know they’re gonna be partying SO hard tonight….. I wish they were at home 😭😭😭 😭😭 Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @hazyhaasy] same, but also if we had to suffer through a game 7 I think I would’ve died of hypertension alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly [Replying to @hazyhaasy] boss move to win the cup away though!!!!! should’ve been My Boys but if it had to be someone else…. i’m glad it was y’all ❤
jiwon 😌 @24rozanov oh my god GUYS. i have family in los angeles and my one cousin works at this noraebang in ktown. like one of those karaoke places with a whole bunch of rooms you know? AND I THINK THE CENS ARE THERE bee @roty24 [Replying to @24rozanov] WHAT???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN U THINK jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @roty24] my cousin doesn’t know ANYTHING about hockey but *thinks* there’s a pro hockey team there and they’re definitely celebrating lol. me and @81hollander have been sending her pics of players to see if she can identify anyone BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander [Replying to @24rozanov and @roty24] WE JUST GOT A POSITIVE ID ON BOOD AND A FIRM MAYBE ON TROY Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 [Replying to @24rozanov] What’s the name of the karaoke place 👀 jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @shilya2481] no.
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New posts from @/lapointeyyyy on IG stories: Video 1: [Caption: 🚨🚨🚨 CAPS ARE FINALLY IN THE HOUSE 📢📢📢 ] [The full team, including Shane, Ilya, and a collection of WAGs, all in varying degrees of intoxication, jump around in a giant karaoke room and sing/scream All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled.] Video 2: [Caption: HOLLANDER IS DRINKIN BABY LFGGGG 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 ] [Shane, Ilya, Coach Wiebe, and Zane Boodram stand around a table loaded with bottles of soju.] ILYA: No, Shane, the season is over. Your fucking macros or whatever don’t matter anymore. Get drunk with us or else I’m telling on you to Yuna. SHANE: I am a grown man, Ilya, tattling to my mom is not going to— ILYA: [gets out his phone] I am calling her now— SHANE: Fine! One shot. And Wiebe does it with me. WIEBE: [shrugs] Sure. BOOD: FUCK yeah! Okay, Hollzy, I know you don’t really like the taste of strong stuff, but this soju shit is so good. There’s a whole bunch of flavors, which one do you want? SHANE: Whichever one tastes the least like alcohol. ILYA: Weak. SHANE: Okay, sorry I wasn’t drinking Russian moonshine when I was eleven years old— WIEBE: [to Bood, who’s already pouring] Peach, give him the peach. [Bood hands out shots; they cheers and down the shots.] SHANE: Oh shit, that’s pretty good actually.
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly oh god…. if they’re drinking soju? that shit is dangerous 💀💀💀 ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled i didn’t think it was possible for this night to get better and yet…….. here we fucking are Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Are we gonna get drunk!Shane Hollander? Oh my god……
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New posts from @/zane_boodram on IG stories: Video 1: [Karaoke mic in one hand, Ilya attempts to shove the second mic into Shane’s hands, but Shane pushes it away.] ILYA: [singing] Uptown girl, she’s been livin’ in her uptown world. I bet she never had a backstreet guy. [points dramatically at Shane] I bet her Yuna never told her why… I’m gonna try for an— [He holds the mic up to Shane’s mouth for him to finish the line. Shane just shakes his head, laughing.] SHANE: Absolutely not. ILYA: Boooooo! Video 2: [Ilya continues his impassioned performance, now with an equally-enthusiastic Wyatt Hayes on the second mic.] HAZY: [singing] She’ll say I’m not so tough, just because I’m in love with a— ILYA: [to the tune of Uptown Girl] Hollander!!! [Ilya reaches for Shane again, but Shane just kicks him.] SHANE: Oh my god, please stop. HAZY: [singing] As long as anyone with hot blood can— ILYA & HAZY: [singing] And now she’s looking for a downtown man… ILYA: [directly into Shane’s ear, way too enthusiastically] That’s what I am. SHANE: Ew, Ilya, you just SPIT in my ear! ILYA: Is my spit of love! HAZY: [belting for his life] MY UPTOWN GIIIIIIIRL!!!
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/nhchouinard on IG stories: Video: [Holmberg, LaPointe, and Young huddle around a single karaoke mic and play a weird game of hot potato relay where they each only sing one word.] HOLMBERG: I— LAPOINTE: JUST— YOUNG: CAN’T— HOLMBERG: LOOK— LAPOINTE: IT’S— YOUNG: KILLING— HOLMBERG: ME— LAPOINTE: AND— YOUNG: IT’S— HOLMBERG: TAKING— LAPOINTE: CONTROL!!!!!! YOUNG: JEALOUSY— HOLMBERG: TURNING— LAPOINTE: SAINTS— YOUNG: INTO— HOLMBERG: THE SEA— YOUNG: Hey, no! You fucked it up! That was two words! HOLMBERG: Shit. LAPOINTE: [singing] BUT IT’S JUST THE PRICE I PAY!!!! HAZY: [off camera] Were they even alive when this came out?
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly MR. BRIGHTSIDE??? fucking taste Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 For those keeping track at home: yes, the three of them were alive when Mr. Brightside came out, but they were definitely still shitting in diapers at the time 😂😂😂
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories: Video: [Caption: Heartbreak for Roz as the karaoke place doesn’t have….. O Canada? ���� ] [Ilya angrily scrolls through the karaoke song selection under the letter O.] ILYA: I thought this was a free country?? And yet no O Canada??? SHANE: Well, we’re not IN Canada, so…? ILYA: This is devastating. Canadaphobic. You do not know any other songs except this one, how am I supposed to find another song you know???? SHANE: Hey, I know Sweet Caroline, they just already did it before we got here! ILYA: [laughing] Of course you know this song. SHANE: What’s that supposed to mean? My dad had a Neil Diamond CD, he used to play it in the car. JONÁŠ VESELÝ: [off camera] You guys used CDs?? I knew you were old, but I didn’t know you were that— [unidentified object flies through the air in the general direction of his voice, video abruptly cuts off]
Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Vesely, on the other hand? Absolutely not alive when Mr. Brightside came out lmao
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander iM TRYING TO GET JIWONNIE TO MAKE HER COUSIN ADD O CANADA TO THE SYSTEM AT THE KARAOKE PLACE BUT SHE SAYS THATS AN ABUSE OF POWER???? jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @81hollander] she’s worked there for like 3 months, she doesn’t have the authority to add random songs!!!! jords @rozanovzy IF YOURE IN LINE FOR O CANADA, STAY! IN! LINE!
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hockey_holmesy on IG stories: Video: [Caption: CAN SOME1 PLZ GE T THIS MANOFF THE AUX] [An absolutely plastered Evan Dykstra on the mic as a country tune plays.] EVAN DYKSTRA: [singing] Grandpappy told my pappy back in my day son, a man had to answer for the wicked that he’s done. Take all the rope in Texas, find a tall oak tree— [suddenly stops singing and frowns] CAITLIN DYKSTRA: Babe? You okay? EVAN DYKSTRA: That’s lynching, Cait. That’s bad. I only wanted to sing the song because giving beer to horses is so silly, but I forgot about that line and now I’m sad. CAITLIN DYKSTRA: You don’t have to finish the song then, baby. Why don’t we just queue up another? Something just as silly. EVAN DYKSTRA: Honky Tonk Badonkadonk? CAITLIN DYKSTRA: Mmm, maybe something else. EVAN DYKSTRA: Oh god you’re right, that song OBJECTIFIES WOMEN. I’M SO HORRIBLE, I’M THE WORST— [video cuts off]
Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy Help omg someone pls get Dykstra some water 😭😭😭 bee @roty24 for that, ladies and gents…..evan dykstra has now officially joined the cens pookie line �� jords @rozanovzy okay so i understand now why they all say dykstra should never be on aux
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hockey_holmesy on IG stories: Video: [Caption: MUHC BETTER THANK U CAILTYN UR T HE REAL OG �🔥 ] [Evan and Caitlin jump around the mic and laugh hysterically as they sing along to Shania Twain.] EVAN & CAITLIN: [singing] Up, up, up, can only go up from here… Up, up, up, up where the clouds gonna clear.
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/lucahaasofficial on IG stories: Video: [Caption: man….. @drover_harris really is good at everything huh] [Harris stands in the center of the room, holding the karaoke mic in the same hand as a hockey stick to create a faux mic stand. He sings a sensual rendition of a Fabian Salah number that has the entire room enraptured. For his part, Troy watches on, equal parts embarrassed and turned on.]
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander WHEREH DID THE FUCKIGN HOCKEY STICK COME FROM? ???? � grant @barrettredemptionarc [Replying to @81hollander] a quality social media guy is always prepared ���� BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander FUCK. man harris is usually behind the camera so i forgot how hot he is. troy barrett you lucky man……….. just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @81hollander] you’re literally a lesbian??? BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander [Replying to @samwichbred] and???? can’t a girl browse the merchandise without having any urge to make a purchase??? #yum just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @81hollander] jiwon @24rozanov pls control your gf jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @samwichbred] no can do. i support women’s rights and wrongs 🥰🥰🥰
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/caitlindykk on IG stories: Video: [Caption: YYEEESSSSSS BOYYYYS] [Ilya and Bood do a rousing rendition of I Don’t Dance from High School Musical 2. They clearly do not know the choreography, but they attempt it anyway. Shane watches on in alarm. Next to him, Cassie Boodram nudges him and vibes along, laughing.]
Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy Oh Roz is EATING that. He was not fucking around with his love of Hsm huh ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled I DONT DANCE!!!!!! I KNOW YOU CAN!!!!! jords @rozanovzy unfortunately this only made him hotter to me, i fear
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/lapointeyyyy on IG stories: Video: [Caption: 🚬🌿💨 ��� ] [Holmberg, LaPointe, and Young huddle around a small table on the sidewalk outside the karaoke place. Behind the camera, LaPointe points his phone at the surface of the table, where Holmberg is making a very sad attempt at rolling a blunt. It’s not going well.] LAPOINTE: Dude, I thought you said you’d done this before? HOLMBERG: Okay, so maybe my sister did it for me. But I’ve seen people do it a whole bunch of times, it can’t be that hard— YOUNG: Man, this is why I only buy pre-rolls. This shit’s harder than it looks. [In the background, we hear a door open and close.] ILYA: [off camera] Are you babies getting into trouble? Shane is afraid you are doing crystal meth you found off the ground or something. YOUNG: Nah, course not. My mom taught me to never do drugs you have to inject. LAPOINTE: You don’t inject crystal meth, dipshit. YOUNG: Huh? Yeah you do. LAPOINTE: It’s crystals. How the fuck are you supposed to inject yourself with a rock? YOUNG: I dunno, with a needle? [Ilya steps into frame. He peers at Holmberg, who is still making a very valiant but ultimately fruitless effort at rolling his blunt.] ILYA: Holmby. Bergy. My child. What is this? HOLMBERG: Uhhh… a blunt? ILYA: No, this is no blunt. This is loose weed and the most suspicious-looking rolling papers I have ever seen. Move over, kid. Let me show you how the real adults do it. [Ilya shoulders Holmberg aside. He takes over and immediately rolls the most expert blunt the world has ever seen.] HOLMBERG: Damn. You gotta teach me how to do that. ILYA: Who has lighter? I deserve the first hit for that.
jords @rozanovzy I FUCKING KNEW IT. I KNEW THAT MAN KNEW BUD kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy hey so uh….. roz……. if u ever wanna smoke together…………. gimme a call haha thanks
Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 Tbh I’m kinda surprised Shane lets Ilya smoke weed 🫣🫣🫣 #strict bee @roty24 [Replying to @shilya2481] baby shane’s his husband, not his mother
Steve Modrin @moddysports11 I can take some drinking…. but weed? Really? These guys are supposed to be role models gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @moddysports11] it is 100% legal in los angeles. unclench and pull ur panties out of your ass steve Steve Modrin @moddysports11 [Replying to @neverhollanover] Why does it matter if it’s legal in LA? 🙄 gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @moddysports11] BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE THEY ARE??? STEVE???? DO YOU DRINK NUCLEAR WASTE OR WHAT � grant @barrettredemptionarc [Replying to @moddysports11] sir they signed up to play death blade puck stick punching sport, not to be mr rogers
jiwon 😌 @24rozanov so are we gonna address the argument abt whether it's possible to shoot up crystal meth or nah kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy [Replying to @24rozanov] well..... at least we can be confident they're not doing meth �
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories: Video: [Caption: What is happening??????] [Luca Haas on the mic this time, spitting bars over a trap beat with traditional Korean instrumentation.] HAAS: [rapping] Daechwita daechwita, ja ullyeora daechwita. Daechwita daechwita, ja ullyeora daechwita. [The door to the karaoke room swings open and Ilya and the smokers come tumbling back in. They almost immediately join the rest of the room in dropping their jaws to the floor.] HOLMBERG: … what the fuck? YOUNG: He’s rapping in a whole other language for you guys too, right? SHANE: [snorts] Yup. HAAS: [rapping, unfazed] Hantanghaemeokgo gotbaro nan jeonsegiro nara. Nareul damgien i naran ajik yeojeonhi jaga, yeah— LAPOINTE: Haas, how do you know perfect fuckin’... what language is that, even? ILYA: Oh, it’s Korean. You do not know this song? NICK CHOUINARD: You DO? ILYA: Oh, you have to watch this music video, is so good— [video cuts off]
bee @roty24 I AM DECESAED, GOOODBYE Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy LUCA HAAS WITH THE PERFECT KOREAN EXAAAAACTLY THAT’S MY POLYGLOT
just a samwich @samwichbred yo @24rozanov pls confirm how good homie’s korean actually is jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @samwichbred] honestly his pronunciation isn’t terrible but that’s definitely not perfect. they’re all just drunk and don’t know korean 😂😂😂
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories: Video: [Caption: I think cap felt threatened by @lucahaasofficial’s rapping?] [Ilya alone in the center of the room, going absolutely ham to a late 2000s Russian rap track. He’s honestly pretty good.] ILYA: [rapping] Pokorit' mir, kak yego pokoril Bakh. Vidit Bog, v zalakh ne budet pusto. Ty ne ustal? Eto Kasta, chuvstvuy! ILYA: [rapping] Vokrug shum. Pust' tak. Ne kipishuy. Vso nishtyak. Vokrug shum. CHOUINARD: [off camera] They don’t have O Canada but they have this?
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly sadfsdfsdf for everyone asking, i recognize the song but i can’t remember what it’s called or who it’s by, i’m checking with my cousin who’s a little closer to roz’s age and will report back 🫡🫡🫡 bee @roty24 [Replying to @whenwheelsfly] you’re doing the lord’s work alina 🙏
jords @rozanovzy of course he can rap. of fucking course he can. i’m gonna pass out � grant @barrettredemptionarc why is this song lowkey a banger though
alina in hockeytown ❤ @whenwheelsfly OKAY UPDATE! according to my cousin (ty katya 😘 ) the song he’s singing was a staple in the clubs she frequented in moscow in like 2008-09 lol. it’s called вокруг шум (vokrug shum) by kasta ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled ilya rozanov going ham to a late aughts moscow club banger? fork found in kitchen
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/zane_boodram on IG stories: Video: [Caption: EVERYONE LOCK IN HAAS IS UP NEXT AGAIN. WHAT NEW TALENTS WILL HE REVEAL THIS TIME?????] [In the background, Ilya finishes his Russian rap performance. In the foreground, Luca scrolls the song options.] LUCA HAAS: [muttering to self] Si hend gar kei Eurovision Lieder? Echt? Was für es Karaokezimmer isch das?? CHOUINARD: Haasy, what are you queuing? HAAS: [annoyed] Dunno yet.
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/doc.lisa on IG stories: Video: [Caption: Go baby Haas go!!!!] [Luca Haas sings a German hip hop song with a Bollywood sample in the instrumental.] HAAS: [rapping] Sie dachten echt ihre Scheiße hält ewig. Ich zeig den Kleinen Monopoly, doch sie verstehn's nicht. Ein 100€ Schein? Was soll das sein? Wieso soll ich dir was wegnehm' wenn wir alles teilen? BOOD: [acting as hypeman] AYYYYYYY!!!! HAZY: [looks up from his phone to his wife Lisa, who’s behind the camera] I looked up the translation to these lyrics and damn… This kinda goes hard. HAAS: [singing] Und wir singen im Atomschutzbunker, Hurra, diese Welt geht unter! Hurra, diese Welt geht unter! Auf den Trümmern das Paradies… HAZY: Speak on it, comrade!
Hanna Graf � @hannalaeuft My bf just shoved his phone in my face to ask me about this song (I’m German) and all I can say is I’m extremely confused by the song selection at this karaoke place 🤣🤣🤣 Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 [Replying to @hannalaeuft] HELP what is the song about?? Hanna Graf � @hannalaeuft [Replying to @shilya2481] it’s basically an anachro-communist anthem 🤣 I used to hear it on the radio sometimes when I was like 12
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy HELL YEAH SPEAK ON IT COMRADE Grey @grey4cens We’re seeing a whole new side of Luca tonight and honestly I’m obsessed with it
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/caitlindykk on IG stories: Video: [Nick Chouinard on the mic, butchering Love Story by Taylor Swift with gusto. In the background, Ilya, Bood, and Dykstra sway together and act as Chouinard’s Greek chorus. None of them are particularly on key.]
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover cens swifties……… yes exactly……………. Grey @grey4cens Man are they bad at singing 😂😂😂😂
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hockey_holmesy on IG stories: Video: [Shaky selfie video of Holmberg, LaPointe, Young, and Boyle doing soju shots.] ILYA: [off camera] Who will sing Poker Face with me? PARKER CHEN: [off camera] Can we please do something from my lifetime? ILYA: [off camera] Sit down, rook, you can’t even drive. I don’t wanna hear shit about your lifet— [video cuts off]
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New posts from @/zane_boodram, @/hockey_holmesy, @/youngmantheresnoneedtofeeldown, and @/nhchouinard on IG stories: Videos: [Multiple videos from several angles of Coach Wiebe absolutely EATING Nissan Altima by Doechii. In the background his wife hypes him up, miming throwing money at him.]
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled man he didn’t even stumble over any of the n word censorship that he had to do…… AND he ate that whole thing? he’s definitely done this before lolllllllll jords @rozanovzy COACH WINS IM SO SORRY BABY LUCA IM SORRY ROZ BUT COACH JUST WIPED THE FLOOR WITH YOUR ASSES just a samwich @samwichbred COACH??? oh my god kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy wiebe’s got TASTE ���� in more ways than one bc wow his wife is hot?????
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/lapointeyyyy on IG stories: Video: [Caption: NA NA NA NA NARLEY] [Jonáš Veselý and Parker Chen each hold a mic and go wild to Katseye. Truly full send. Bood, Chouinard, Shane, and Ilya are visible sitting in the foreground.] PARKER: [singing] Oh my god, this song’s so lit, congratulations. JONÁŠ: [singing] Now you be like, gang. JONÁŠ & PARKER: [singing] GANG GANG GANG GANG GANG!! CHOUINARD: What in the actual fuck is this? BOOD: Oh, you’ve never heard Gnarly? My nieces love it. CHOUINARD: This is an affront to the senses. BOOD: I’m gonna be so honest, it really grows on you. [The rookies make an attempt at doing the choreography. They’re not very good, but the enthusiasm is admirable.] JONÁŠ & PARKER: [screaming] HOTTIE HOTTIE! LIKE A BAG OF TAKIS, I’M THE SHIT! ILYA: Oh my god. This is the best thing I have ever heard. [Ilya very intently reads along with the lyrics on the screen, his head bopping along.] SHANE: Fuck, I’m gonna be hearing this every day now, aren’t I? ILYA: [singing directly into Shane’s face] I'M THE SHIT!!!! I’M THE SHIT!!!!!
jords @rozanovzy ilya rozanov you would love megan skiendiel. in this essay i will— Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 HOTTIE HOTTTTTIIEEEEEE LIKE A BAG OF TAKIS 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/nhchouinard on IG stories: Video: [Caption: considered keeping this in my back pocket as black mail but man. its too good. every1 plz enjoy @tt_barrett_fwd hittin the celine 😎😎 ] [Troy on the mic, notably drunker than before and well into emo drunk mode. He’s reaching out to and clearly attempting to serenade Harris, who’s sitting nearby. Harris, though a little flushed, watches adoringly.] TROY: The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me… I can barely recall but it’s all coming back to me nowwwwww— SHANE: [off camera] My god, how long IS this song??? HAZY: [off camera] Oh, we’re gonna be here for a while yet. Strap in, buddy. SHANE: [off camera] I need another shot.
� grant @barrettredemptionarc the final stage of troy barrett redemption arc is upon us, ladies and gentlemen……… and lord almighty is it beautiful kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy is someone keeping an eye on shane, he keeps drinking but he has the tolerance of a toaster 😂😭😂😭😂😭 Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @brickwallhazy] Idk how much tolerance a toaster actually has but in any case I think you’re still overshooting reality. Poor man is such a lightweight
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/caitlindykk on IG stories: Video: [Caption: sorry am i intruding on something orrrrr?] [A pop song blares from the speakers. Karaoke mic in hand, Ilya chases Shane around the room, trying to sing to his embarrassed husband despite Shane’s attempts to escape. Ilya ends up on his knees, looking up at Shane like the down-bad walked dog he is.] ILYA: [singing] I told her I’m from… [pauses] Russia, I know a thing or two ‘bout rodeo. I think we almost made a baby— SHANE: Oh my god, Ilya— ILYA: [singing] I mean we can’t, but we came so close… [There’s raucous laughter from the room as Shane literally tries to run away, but Ilya grabs him by the back of his thighs and holds him in place.] ILYA: [singing] You’re gonna kill me if you kiss it like that, no I don’t mind a little disrespect. Talking is boring, let me pull your hair back— [Shane grabs Ilya by the hair and tries to push him away, but Ilya just lights up and reels back in. Shane stops resisting but leaves his hand in Ilya’s hair, and with Ilya on his knees in front of him it is… far more sexy than it has any right to be, given the rainbow light-up mic in Ilya’s hand and the combined inebriation level of the two of them.] ILYA: Yes exactly, Hollander, just like that— SHANE: [looking like he wants to eat Ilya whole] Fuck off.
Shane Hollander’s Freckles @freckledhllndr There’s probably a way to make this about freckles but I can’t even right now bc all I can think of is the image of Sh*ne holding I*ya by the hair and looking down at him like That………….. that was so hot I’m gonna dieasdljfsal;dfjasl;dk
Kyle @kyle_g17 That clip just came across my feed on accident and uh….. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @kyle_g17] “on accident” Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @grey4cens] I TOLD YOU IM NOT GAY Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @kyle_g17] I didn’t even bring it up this time man, at this point you’re just telling on yourself 😂😂😂😂
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover while we’re on the topic of renee rapp, why do i feel like shy is SUCH a hollanov song bc publicly shane is such a polite shy little good boy but we all know behind closed doors he’s a secret frea— [i am yanked offstage with a cane] ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @neverhollanover] YOURE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New posts from @/zane_boodram, @/hazywyatt, @/lapointeyyyy, and @/caitlindykk, on IG stories: Videos 1, 2, and 3: [Various shots of Shane, now clearly drunk, gripping the karaoke mic like his life depends on it and putting on the show of a lifetime. There are more angles of this than the Kennedy assassination.] SHANE: [singing] Won't make my mama proud, it's gonna cause a scene… She sees her baby girl, I know she's gonna scream, goddddd, what have you done? You’re a pink pony girl— [Shane approaches Ilya and tries to grab him by the chin. When Ilya attempts to evade him just to be a nuisance, Shane gives him a love-smack on the cheek.] SHANE: [obnoxiously over-enunciating] And you DANCE at the club, oh mama… I’m just having fun, on the stage in my heels— ILYA: I’d like to see you in heels. Would make your ass look gr— BOOD: LET THE MAN SING! SHANE: [somehow singing and giggling at the same time] Pink Pony Club! I'm gonna keep on dancing at the Pink Pony Club, Pink Pony Club. Video 4: [The whole room hypes Shane up as he approaches the outro of the song.] SHANE: [singing] I’m gonna keep on dancing… [Ilya looks at Shane with the most loving, puppy-like eyes anyone has ever seen. Shane reaches his hand out, and Ilya grabs it without hesitation, moving towards Shane as if drawn by a magnet.] [Once he’s close enough, Ilya rests his hands around Shane’s waist. Shane, clearly afflicted with a terminal case of moony-eyed tunnel vision and blissfully ignorant of anything in the room that isn’t Ilya, melts into his touch with a soft smile. Ilya leans in, then hesitates slightly — but when Shane leans in to meet him, he bridges the distance and meets Shane’s lips in a sweet kiss. Someone off-camera “aww”s.] [After a moment, Shane pulls away with his nose scrunched up.] SHANE: [making a face] Ew. You taste like weed. [Everyone bursts out laughing. Ilya just grins and kisses Shane again. Shane doesn’t resist.]
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander SHAEN OHLLLADNER KARAOKE THIS IS NOT FUCKIGN REAL IVE DIED AND THIS IS HEAVEN just a samwich @samwichbred [Replying to @81hollander] no i think it’s real, you’ve committed too much sodomy to make it to heaven BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander [Replying to @samwichbred] THEN I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING BOTH YOU AND HOLLANOV IN HELL. IT’LL BE A FUCKIN PARTY DOWN THERE jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @81hollander and @samwichbred] us in hell 🥳🔥�😈
jords @rozanovzy ILYA ELIZABETH ROZANOV WITH THE SAPPHIC ANTHEM YEYAHELDZKSFJAL;DKSFJXLDASKASKL;DJDSKL;SAJ;LKAWDFJLKD;SZ Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 [Replying to @rozanovzy] His middle name isn’t Elizabeth? jords @rozanovzy [Replying to @shilya2481] yes it is 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy hollanov lesbians: canon ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @brickwallhazy] god don’t even put that image in my mind…… the things i would do to shane hollander with a strap…… Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 [Replying to @hollanovpilled] even if he wasn’t whipped as fuck for Roz, he is SO gay, you don’t have a shot in hell 😂😂😂 ☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled [Replying to @horseman12] LET A GIRL DREAM WOULD YOU
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New posts from @/doc.lisa and @/youngmantheresnoneedtofeeldown on IG stories: Video 1: [Ilya jumps up on the table with mic in hand as a pop country song starts up. He’s acquired a cowboy hat from somewhere. It’s unclear where.] ILYA: [singing] Ain't got antlers on my walls, but I sure know mating calls from the stalls in the bars on a Friday night. And other boys may need a map, but I can close my eyes and — [points at a rapidly reddening Shane] — have you wrapped around my fingers like that. [Bood whoops and pushes Shane towards Ilya. It only serves to make him blush harder. Ilya drops to his knees on the table so he’s closer to eye height with Shane, though he still has a good several inches on him.] ILYA: [singing] So, baby, when you need the job done… you can call me, baby. [Ilya grabs Shane by the back of his head and pulls him towards his crotch. Shane shoves Ilya in return, sending him toppling over on the table and into a fit of absolutely giddy giggles.] Video 2: [Back on solid ground, Ilya is once again following Shane around like a walked dog. He grabs Shane by the hip and pulls him close, his front to Shane’s back as he sings into his ear.] ILYA: [singing] 'Cause you ain't gotta tell me, it's just in my nature. So take it like a taker — [thrusts into Shane’s ass] — 'cause, baby, I'm a giver. [Someone off-camera wolf whistles. Shane is basically a tomato at this point, but he’s clearly too into it to resist now.] ILYA: [singing] Ain't no need to hurry, ‘cause, baby, I deliver. Ain't no country boy quitter… I get the job done. I get the job done! [Suddenly, Ilya yanks on Shane’s hand and turns them so they’re face to face. He holds up an arm, clearly indicating that Shane should take hold and spin underneath it. Shane refuses to make eye contact, but he can’t hide his smile as he acquiesces and lets Ilya spin him around.] [After Shane has done a full 360, Ilya manhandles him until their roles are reversed and his back is to Shane’s front. He grinds unapologetically on his husband. It gets dirty quickly, however, and after only a moment Harris is stepping in and pulling them apart like a prom chaperone.] HARRIS: OOKAYYY, LET’S KEEP THIS PG-13 PLEASE. [Ilya allows Harris to separate them, but immediately glues himself back to Shane’s side and rests his chin on Shane’s shoulder with a grin like the cat caught the cream. He is enjoying this way too much. Shane is far enough gone that he just pets Ilya’s hair absently.] HAZY: [off camera] Yeah, there are kids here! HAAS: [indignant] You cannot keep calling me a kid, oh my god— [Bood wraps his arm around Parker Chen’s neck in a way that’s meant to be friendly, but in his inebriated state is coming across a bit threatening. It looks like the poor rook’s head is about to explode from the pressure.] BOOD: Think of poor Chen’s young, innocent eyes, he hasn’t even heard the birds and the bees talk yet! PARKER: What the hell, why come after me but not Jonáš? BOOD: Uh, because he’s from Eastern Europe, where it’s cold and dark and there’s nothing to do but fuck— ILYA: True. BOOD: —and you’re from UTAH? [Parker splutters, indignant.] TROY: Maybe he’s an experienced soaker, you never know— [The entire room — barring Parker, whose jaw still remains on the ground — breaks out in riotous laughter.]
gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover AND WHEN WILL A LOVE LIKE THAT FIND ME???? I WANT TO BE GRINDING SOMEWHAT INAPPROPRIATELY ON THE LOVE OF MY LIFE PLASTERED OUT OF MY MIND AT A KARAOKE PLACE STRAIGHT OFF A STANLEY CUP WIN, THE FUCK � grant @barrettredemptionarc barrett was so out of pocket for that soaking comment……. i would Die for him. Grey @grey4cens Fuck man remember when I was just here for the puck? And now I’m sitting here rewatching videos of these fucking gays (/fond) singing gay songs at at each other and going “they 🥹 ”
STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS‼ Cens Social Updates @censsocialupdates New post from @/hazywyatt on IG stories: Video: [Caption: Some got a 2nd wind and demanded an Aerosmith palate cleanser. Others,… well, they got the job done] [A group huddles around the two mics, screaming along to I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing at the top of their lungs. Someone is probably going to lose their hearing.] [Pan to Shane and Ilya cuddled up in the booth, legs tangled up. Shane’s head rests on Ilya’s shoulder, and Ilya leans back into him like he’s kissing Shane’s hair. Despite the hullaballoo around them, they’re both fast asleep.]
bee @roty24 awww not them partying too hard and crashing before they can even have celebratory cup sex 😂😂😂 Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 [Replying to @roty24] I mean……. it seems like they WERE quite fashionably late to karaoke…….. I’m just saying ✋😳🤚 bee @roty24 [Replying to @shilya2481] didn’t they stay later than the rest for press? Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 [Replying to @roty24] not THAT late lmao. And oomf just pointed out that they had both changed clothes between press and karaoke but no one else had……. 😜😏
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Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy I woke up dreading this presentation I have to give today but then I remembered…… WE’RE STANLEY CUP FUCKING CHAMPIONS BABY NOTHIN CAN DRAG ME DOWN RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Shane Hollander’s Freckles @freckledhllndr GOOD MORNING TO THE FOUR-TIME CUP-WINNING SHANE HOLLANDER FRECKLES AND TO FOUR-TIME CUP-WINNING SHANE HOLLANDER FRECKLES ONLY
Nate #ViveCens @horseman12 Okay now that I’M no longer drunk I just rewatched all those vids and man…. how much did Hollander drink 😂😂😂😂😂 Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @horseman12] he does not remember. with my own eyes I think I saw him take maybe 3 shots max…… but we cannot all have the tolerance of strong Russian men 😔 Hayden Pike ☑ @pikehayd_ [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] good god please make sure he drinks water, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that drunk before 😅 Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @drover_harris] just because you are a bad husband who does not take care of your wife does not mean we all are, Pike. do not worry, I have already given him water and painkillers and sleepy blowjob 😏😏😏😏 Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ILYA ROZANOV WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT DISCUSSING SEX ACTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @drover_harris] ah, you said not to do this during the season. season is over. too bad so sad for Harris! Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Fine. I’ll just call in the big dogs then. Hey @shanehollanderhockeyplayer look what your husband said about you on main Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @drover_harris] no shhhhh he is sleeping after very good blowjob I gave him. our Stanley Cup MVP needs his beauty rest. do not wake him up with notifications
bee @roty24 shane is going to THROTTLE him when he wakes up 😭😭😭😭😭 just a samwich @samwichbred harris……. harris youre in my thoughts and prayers man gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover NOT HARRIS TATTLING TO SHANE ASLDFJASDFL;KJSDFLJ jords @rozanovzy ilya elizabeth rozanov throat goat yktr ���
Grey @grey4cens With how well Hollander played last night…….. man Rozanov BETTER have given him a blowjob for the ages Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @grey4cens] Okay but how good can a blowie really be if the giver is sleepy……. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @kyle_g17] sorry I was not clear. Shane was sleepy. I was locked in Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Fuck….. okay in that case that’s a need for me tbh Grey @grey4cens [Replying to @kyle_g17] From a man? Or….? Kyle @kyle_g17 [Replying to @grey4cens] LEAVE ME ALONE
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled “I WAS LOCKED IN” SKDHSKDJAJDJ gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @hollanovpilled] which one of the kids taught him that 💀💀💀💀
Jackie @pikejacks_ Hey! @ilyarozanov81 Hayd takes very good care of me☺ Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @pikejacks_] did he put you up to this? is okay Jackie, I know your loser husband has done Stockholm Syndrome on you………. someday I will finally make you see the light and you will be free……… Hayden Pike ☑ @pikehayd_ [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] STAY AWAY FROM HER Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @pikehayd_] sorry, no can do! me and your wife are getting brunch next week at the place with Dutch babies Hayden Pike ☑ @pikehayd_ [Replying to @pikejacks_ and @ilyarozanov81] WITHOUT ME???? ET TU, JACKIE?????? Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @pikehayd_] oooooh what is this literary reference from Pike? did you finally learn to read? the twins teach you? Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] Stop terrorizing Hayden and come back to bed Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] one minute sweetheart I am making your smoothie Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I fucking love you
☀ kt 🌙 @hollanovpilled COUPLE GOALS FOR REAL kier ✨ #30 @brickwallhazy ilya down bad rozanov strikes again Amrit @bostonbearder Man rozanov was such a playboy when he was in Boston, seeing him be whipped as hell out in the open is giving me actual whiplash Gay Sex Saved Hockey IS IN LA!!!!! @shilya2481 [Replying to @bostonbearder] JOIN THE DARK SIDE AMRIT
� grant @barrettredemptionarc is shane seriously gonna let him get away with the blowjob comment….? Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @barrettredemptionarc] it was a very good blowjob, and he is in a good mood. and he loves me. I can get away with anything 😉 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] I WAS gonna let it go because I'm very generous, but now that you've made this insane claim? Never mind. No more kisses until you apologize to Harris for the headache you gave him this morning Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] I do not think it is insane to say you love me. you tell me this all the time Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] You KNOW that’s not what I meant. If I really let you get away with anything you’d probably have a photorealistic drawing of my dick tattooed on your forehead or something. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @shanehollanderhockeyplayer] no of course not, the rest of the world does not need to see your dick. that is for me and only me. your name on my forehead, however……. this is good idea Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] NO.
Omika 🏒 #1 Luca Haas Defender @hazyhaasy Roz’s turn from biggest fuckboy in the league to willing to tattoo his husband’s name on his forehead….. admirable tbh gracie (world’s first hollanov addict) @neverhollanover [Replying to @hazyhaasy] THEE loverboy of all time ���
BAILEY ALL CAPS @81hollander i think he’s onto something?? @24rozanov LET’S TATTOO EACH OTHERS NAMES ONTO OUR FOREHEADS jiwon 😌 @24rozanov [Replying to @81hollander] i love you so much, bailey. but absolutely not.
Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 Hello everyone this is my public apology to @drover_harris for telling the internet that I had given my husband @shanehollanderhockeyplayer a very good blowjob. This was wrong to tell you all, even though it was true. Next time I give my husband head I will tell you personally instead of posting on the internet. Will probably be soon so please prepare emotionally 👍 Shane Hollander #24 ☑ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] ?????? This is not what I meant, Ilya Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @ilyarozanov81] @ottawacentaurs @CensGM I QUIT Mackenzie Ouellette ☑ @CensGM [Replying to @drover_harris] Resignation denied. Counter: we give you a pay raise instead? We can negotiate terms next week. Harris Drover @drover_harris [Replying to @CensGM] ….. Deal. Ilya Rozanov ☑ @ilyarozanov81 [Replying to @drover_harris] you are welcome Harris!!!! all thanks to me. also your hard work and expertise or whatever, but mostly me 🥰🥰🥰 and my so good blowjob skills!!
Chapter End Notes
I have pretty good German but I don’t know Swiss German so if there are any errors with Luca’s dialogue please blame the internet (but also let me know and I will fix lol). Also, I seriously considered making his handle be some sort of play on Luca Haas-ckey but opted not too bc he’s Very Serious about his game but still. Telling you all bc it made me giggle A full list of songs they karaoke’d: All I Do Is Win by DJ Khaled Uptown Girl by Billy Joel Beer For My Horses by Toby Keith and Willie Nelson Up! by Shania Twain [nonexistent Fabian Salah song. season 2 come through] I Don’t Dance from High School Musical 2 대취타 (Daechwita) by Agust D Вокруг шум (Vokrug shum) by Kasta Hurra die Welt geht unter by K.I.Z. and Henning May Love Story by Taylor Swift Nissan Altima by Doechii Gnarly by Katseye It’s All Coming Back to Me Now by Celine Dion Kiss It Kiss It by Renee Rapp Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan The Giver by Chappell Roan I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith Other songs mentioned but not performed: O Canada by the entire country of Canada Sweet Caroline by Neil Young Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins I didn’t note what specific Eurovision song Luca was initially looking for, but in my heart it was Europapa by Joost Poker Face by Lady Gaga Shy by Renee Rapp
marking this complete bc i don't currently have any more chapters planned, but that's not to say i will never add any more! this fic is in the hands of quinn hughes' ghosts now. i'm on twitter under ilya's legal name @ilyaelizabeth Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!