(i can't get no) satisfaction

Operation Prove Satisfaction

Today 3:02 PM
Vanessa added Shane Hollander to the conversation
Brittany K
Oh my god. Is he here?
Jada
Sure looks that way!
Olivia
Hi, Shane!
What the fuck is this?
Who are you people, and why am I in this chat?
Did someone sell you my number?
Fuck, did Ilya get a virus on my phone again?
I told him to stop playing that stupid bird game.
Simone
Hi, Shane.
Would this be a good time to talk with you about your car’s extended warranty?
Vanessa
Be nice, Simone!
Ilya said he spooks easily
Hi, Shane.
I’m Vanessa, and there are seven other lovely women in this chat with us.
We all used to hook up with Ilya when he lived in Boston, and we all kind of volunteered to try and help with this situation that’s come up with Bethany.
Brittany A
Hi, Shane! It’s nice to meet you!
Liz
I love that he’s clueless about this happening.
Amara
Figures Ilya wouldn’t clue in his husband 😂
It’s very on brand, actually.
Not that I’m not thrilled. But uh. What exactly is the point of this?
Jada
We just wanted to see if we could be useful to you guys.
Brittany K
We all saw what she said about Ilya, and it just seemed so opposite of all of our interactions with him.
Vanessa
He was always so respectful with me.
Simone
Same. I don’t fuck with guys who play games. Ilya never played games.
Olivia
Exactly. He was always super clear that it was just sex.
So…you all used to have sex with him, and now you just want to help him?
Jada
Pretty much.
Brittany A
Yes!
Simone
Is that so hard to believe?
Kind of. I don’t think anyone I’ve had sex with in the past would come rushing to help me.
Liz
That sounds like a you problem 😉
Wow. I hate all of this.
Vanessa
Ilya said you’d say that.
Amara
Is it weird for you that we’ve all slept with your husband?
No? He was hooking up with me at the same time, so I can’t exactly be mad about it.
And it’s not like I also didn’t know about who he was.
He was pretty clear with me, too.
About some things at least.
Not the important things, but that’s neither here nor there.
Simone
Oh, and I’m sure you were the picture of communication, too, Mr. I Dated Rose Landry To Avoid Admitting To Myself I Was Gay
WOW.
I hate ALL of this.
You don’t even know me!
Simone
You’re a man. There’s not that much to know.
Brittany K
Maybe we shouldn’t judge too much, Simone.
Simone
Where’s the fun in that?
And did I tell a lie?
Liz
But you still totally managed to lock that shit DOWN, man.
Impressive, honestly.
I would love to do a deep dive into how you managed it.
Like not in a weird way. I’m just so curious.
When would be a good time for that?
When I’m dead, maybe?
Which might be sooner than I anticipated at this rate.
Olivia
ANYWAY. Can we be of any help?
I hate to think either of you will suffer because of this one woman who can’t let it go.
I honestly don’t know.
Our agent told us not to do anything, so I thought that’s what we were doing.
I should have known Ilya’s dramatic ass wouldn’t let that stand.
Jada
Well, surely between all of us, we can come up with something that can help.
A joint statement?
Maybe we can all post something on socials?
But what do you need me for?
I’m married to him, obviously I don’t think he’s terrible in bed.
I don’t really see how I can be helpful.
Vanessa
Ilya said you’d be the most helpful.
And he really wanted us to talk with you, so even if you can’t think of something to do right this second, he seemed to have faith you’d come up with something.
That doesn’t make me feel better.
Brittany A
We’ll keep brainstorming and if you think of anything just jump in and we’ll figure it out.
Okay.
I guess. But I can’t make any promises, though.
Simone
A man not promising he can follow through. Revolutionary.

Ilya ❤️

Today 4:47 PM
You want to tell me why I’m suddenly in a group chat with a bunch of your ex-hookups?
Oh good. They added you.
I told Vanessa you would be the most helpful.
Did you seriously gather a group chat's worth of hookups because one person said you weren’t the best in bed?
It was more than that, and you know it.
And to do it when I’m injured and my recovery uncertain? The lowest of blows.
You have a bruised rib. I think you’re going to live.
And besides, I did not gather them.
They reached out to me because of the awful things that were said.
Ilya. I thought we’d agreed to not do anything about this.
You agreed. I did no such thing.
I can’t let this stand, Shane.
I thought you as my husband would understand.
It’s exactly because I’m your husband that I don’t understand!
You’re MARRIED. To me. Why does it matter that one woman lied about you?
It wasn’t just a lie.
It was slander of the worst kind.
I have never been more insulted in my life.
I literally heard that player from Tampa call you an ugly Russian cunt last week.
Yes, well.
You can insult my looks and my hockey and my heritage.
But I will not let anyone call into question my integrity as a hookup.
Because I was fantastic.
Always.
Yes, I know this.
Doesn’t that count for anything? Shouldn’t that be what matters?
It counts for much.
Which is why you are going to help fix it.
🤦‍♂️
This is the life I have chosen for myself.
Because you love me.
Very much.
A reminder you apparently need.
Do you even remember this Bethany woman?
Could any of what she’s saying actually have happened?
Yes, I remember her.
She seemed nice. Not clingy. Didn’t bat an eye when I gave her my usual spiel about no strings.
I might have been on my phone a lot. It was when you were with Rose, and I was a bit of a mess.
But I know I bought her drinks, and I KNOW I made her come.
You’re sure she didn’t fake it?
Some of us actually do know how to cause them, yes.
Okay, okay.
You don’t have to get bitchy with me.
I believe in you and your ability to give orgasms.
I would bet your life on the fact she had one.
Why my life?!
Because the stakes are already high!
🤦‍♂️
Did anything weird happen after?
She text me quite a bit, and when I realized she wanted more, I stopped answering.
I always did that if someone started to act attached, because I was upfront every time I didn’t want more.
Yeah, the women in the chat said the same thing.
Apparently, you left quite the impression.
I had to.
So are you going to help them?
I mean, I’ll try.
Might be a little hard between the games and the travel and all that.
Right.
You do still want me to win games, right?
Of course
Hockey above all else
All hail hockey
Ilya.
I promise I’ll try to be helpful, okay?
Oh. Shane making a promise to be helpful. I feel so much better now.
🖕
Wait, how many times did you sleep with Simone?

Operation Prove Satisfaction

Today 11:14 PM
Vanessa
Oof. Did you see she’s doubling down?
Claiming she has text receipts of him ghosting her?
Olivia
I heard TMZ is interviewing her this afternoon 🤦🏻‍♀️
Girl is really milking her fifteen minutes
Simone
Not surprising.
I used to see her out and about after every game trying to pick up players.
Brittany A
Kinda surprising Ilya went for her.
We’re all awesome and had zero issues with what he offered.
He seems like a really good judge of character.
That one is probably my fault.
Simone
Of course it is.
He told me this was around the time I was dating Rose Landry.
I think it sent him spiraling a bit.
He might not have been as good at judging people as he usually is.
Brittany K
That makes sense!
Poor guy was probably going through it.
Amara
And now has to pay for it four years later.
Liz
I hate that for him.
Jada
Shane, have you given any more thought to how we might be able to handle this?
Not really.
I still think doing nothing might be the best option.
Liz
Seems like it’s getting worse, though.
Olivia
Yeah, surely there’s SOMETHING we could do.
Simone
If this is too much for you, Hollander, I’m sure, somehow, someway, we could manage without you.
Amara
Simone.
Ilya wanted Shane involved.
He’s just busy!
Simone
Yes, doing very important man things.
Can I ask why you all want to help so much?
Simone
Are you asking us why we care?
Basically, yeah.
You don’t owe him anything.
It’s not like you were ever in love.
Simone
Can I please take this one?
Vanessa
Can you be nice?
Simone
Nice enough.
Vanessa
Fine.
Simone
I think we all realize Ilya’s privileged enough he probably doesn’t need our help.
And frankly, I think we’re all really tired of women having to clean up the messes of men.
Because there’s a lot of really shitty men out there.
But Ilya isn’t one of them. He was honest and respectful to every single one of us.
So when we saw someone trying to drag him through the mud for no good reason, we all wanted to help. We’re women. It’s what we do.
I see.
Simone
Plus, he was a fantastic lay, and I would be so fucking pissed if someone said I sucked in the sack when I so clearly don’t.
You couldn’t have just stopped with the helpful bit?
Simone
I could have. But then it wouldn’t have annoyed you.
Liz
Perfectly put, Simone.
About the helpful stuff, anyway.
Amara
Agreed ❤️
Olivia
Yes! I’ve never been more happy to help a man.
Vanessa
I hope that helps you see why.
It does.
Simone
So maybe the real question, Shane Hollander, shouldn’t be why we care so much.
Maybe it’s why you don’t care enough.
The fuck.
I do care!
He’s the love of my life.
Simone
You’re not putting much effort into helping the so-called love of your life at the moment.
That’s not fair.
I’m a literal ocean away doing my job.
Plus, I just don’t understand why he cares so much about what one person has to say about him.
Vanessa
It’s okay, Shane.
And you’re right. Simone isn’t being fair.
Simone
🙄
Vanessa
Just do what you can, and we’ll keep talking and seeing what we can figure out, okay?
Ignore our messages as much as you need to.
Okay.
Thanks for the insight.
I do really appreciate that you all care about Ilya so much.
Brittany K
Of course!
And don’t let Simone scare you away.
She’s really just a big softy underneath all the hissing
Simone
🐍

Ilya ❤️

Today 11:45 PM
Ilya, these women will not stop blowing up my phone.
I’m so sorry you’re being slightly inconvenienced by people trying to salvage my reputation.
Your reputation isn’t even ruined!
It’s one person. And again. YOU’RE MARRIED.
Why the fuck does it matter if ten people think you might possibly be bad in bed?
Because it is ten too many!
And you are being very dramatic.
That is so fucking rich coming from you.
Are they really annoying you that much?
Because I will tell them to stop if you want.
…no. It’s not terrible, I guess.
Simone seems like she wants to feed me to the sharks.
But still. Overall.
They’re actually really lovely.
Of course they are. I have excellent taste.
Present company excluded.
Asshole.
You chose me 😇
If someone said stuff like that about me, would you participate in a group chat to save my reputation?
Baby I would burn the world down, and you know it.
Yeah.
I do ❤️
And besides, it wouldn’t be much of a group chat.
Just me, Rose, Mexico top, and Hollywood blow job guy.
That barely even qualifies as an orgy.
Fuck. Gross. Please don’t make me imagine you having sex with Rose.
See how terrible it is?! And you are worse because you have actually had sex with Rose.
Are you ever going to get over that?
No.
I hate that I find your jealousy as hot as I do dysfunctional.
But also, I had another girlfriend once!
We were together for like a year before I got drafted.
Oh, really?
And what was her name?
Jessica, I think?
You THINK?
Well.
I generally try to block out all my sexual experiences with women.
All two of them?
There were a handful of others!
I’m guessing you don’t remember any of their names either?
Um.
No?
You are making it very hard to defend you in this hypothetical group chat.
Well, when you put it like that.
Shit.
Should I be the one getting dragged about being a terrible partner? But like…for real?
I mean, I was not going to say anything but…
I feel like Nameless Girlfriend and Handful of Others might tell a different story.
Fuck me.
I don’t think any of them would want to do that now 😬
This is so bad.
God. I’m the worst. I was awful.
Why the hell was I ever allowed to be around women?!
Sweetheart.
You were gay and struggling to admit that to yourself.
I don’t think anyone is going to hold that against you.
But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t harmful!
And I’m only just now realizing it, which makes it so much worse.
Fuck, should I apologize?
Should I track them down and figure out how I could have done better?
Should I call a press conference?
Yes. I can see it now.
Shane Hollander Apologizes for Being a Disappointment to Women Sexually
Fuck off.
I’m being serious!
Shane. No one is thinking these things about you.
You did not traumatize anyone.
If anything, you did them a favor in showing them what not to look for.
Thanks a lot.
I’m being serious.
You were a sucky partner once or twice or a handful of times. So what?
You learned and aren’t anymore.
No one is thinking anything about you otherwise.
You’re probably right.
But people ARE thinking these things about me.
I am getting dragged for no reason.
She is lying.
And she is not stopping.
People are INTERVIEWING her now.
I know.
Please. Help me fix it.
This is really bothering you that much?
Yes. It is.
And I don’t care how stupid you think it is.
I don’t think it’s stupid, I’m just trying to understand.
Understand that I am starting to lose it.
So help me before I lose my mind.
You mean you haven’t already?
Shane.
I know. I know, okay?
Let me work on it.
Trust me.
If I must.

Operation Prove Satisfaction

Today 7:28 AM
I’m starting to think Ilya being so upset about this is more than just about his reputation.
Simone
You think?
Vanessa
I kinda figured as much.
Liz
Same here.
Brittany K
Yeah, I always wondered if there wasn’t something underneath his lack of attachment.
But it wasn’t any of my business, and he was so upfront about everything, I never really thought too much of it.
Olivia
I always assumed! It was another reason I wanted to see how I could help.
Amara
I don’t see how anyone who’s been through what he has in life wouldn’t have some deep-seated trauma
Jada
For sure!
Fuck. I was kinda hoping you’d tell me I was wrong about that.
Fuck.
FUCK.
Vanessa
What’s wrong with it being more?
If we know that, then maybe it’ll be easier to help.
Not that we need to know everything.
Liz
Unless you just really wanted to share or something.
I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do.
I’m in fucking Germany right now.
I don’t know how to deal with this.
How am I supposed to help without making it worse?
God, I’m a fucking failure as a husband.
I didn’t even understand what the issue was until now.
You all seem hyper competent. You’re clearly more evolved than most people.
I mean, you want to help a man who only ever gave you sex every so often.
When he just happened to feel like it.
A man that’s now married to another man.
ME. The one that’s currently freaked out because I’m supposed to be helping
Simone
Goddamit.
He’s panicking AND compliments us.
Now I can’t hate him.
Olivia
You didn’t hate him to begin with.
Simone
Shhh. He doesn’t have to know that.
Vanessa
Shane, deep breaths.
We’ll figure this out together!
Brittany A
And you’re not a failure!
Like you said, you’re an ocean away with a lot going on.
And it’s hard to communicate through just text about things like this.
But you DID notice. That’s important.
Olivia
Definitely!
What do I do?
How am I supposed to help?
I feel like I’ve already fucked this up so badly.
Jada
What would you say to him right now, if you could?
That I love him, and he’s so much more than sex.
Amara
I think that’s a really wonderful place to start.
Vanessa
I do, too.
And once you do that, I think what comes next will be a lot clearer for you.
Liz
And we’re still here if you need us!
Okay. I’ll see if I can start there.
Tonight after the game.
Vanessa
You’ve got this!
Liz
Definitely!
Amara
You’re going to be fine!
Jada
We’re rooting for you!
Brittany K
Let us know how it goes!
Brittany A
You can do it, Shane!
Olivia
We’re all in your corner if you need us!
Vanessa
Simone. Do you want to say something nice?
Simone
Good luck, I guess
❤️

Ilya ❤️

Today 9:18 PM
Have you decided to do anything?
It’s been two days and it’s not going away.
I can’t get on the internet without seeing it.
Uh. Not yet.
Some ideas have been thrown out there.
My life is falling apart.
You are not here.
I know it’s been tough, I’m sorry.
I cannot play hockey
You’ll be healed up in no time.
And the McDonald’s closest to us is closed for renovations
Just go to Tim’s right next door.
Starbucks is a terrible company so I can’t go there either.
Again. Tim’s.
Even Anya is judging me, Shane.
She judges me all the time.
And I’m fucking useless.
Hey.
Ilya. You’re okay.
We’re still working on it. I promise we’ll figure something out, and I’m sorry I’m not there.
But can we maybe talk about why this is really bothering you? It feels like this is a little more than your reputation bothering you.
I don’t know.
It’s me.
I know I’m an ocean away but it’s still me.
I love you.
Are you just saying that to remind yourself?
No.
I just fucking hate this.
I feel useless.
Even the things I am good at, I cannot do.
Ilya.
You know you’re good at more than just sex and hockey, right?
Some days I am not so sure.
You’re so much more than that.
You’re kind and caring.
You’d do anything for the people you love.
You struggle but you don’t give up. You’re so resilient.
You’ve never shied away from doing the right thing. You stand up for people who need it.
And you’re hilarious.
Oh, am I?
I’ll deny it if you tell anyone.
It’s fine. Everyone already knows but you.
And you love me like I didn’t think anyone ever could.
You’re the best person I know. You’re so good.
🥹
Thank you.
I feel all this about you, too, except
You’re not the best person I know
I’m not sure I want to know who is.
It’s Anya.
Anya is a dog.
You think she judges you now? I dare you to tell her that.
You’re a menace ❤️
I’m sorry. I know this shouldn’t be a big deal.
We’re married. I love you. I should only care what you think.
And I do, I just.
Clearly have some things to work through still.
I love you, too. I love you so fucking much, it sucks.
You’ve been through so much. I’m sorry I’ve been downplaying this. I just didn’t understand why it was bothering you so much.
I’m sorry it took me so long to realize.
You’re allowed to be upset. I would be upset, too.
You saw how I spiraled yesterday when I realized people should be complaining about me as a partner.
I AM upset that you’re hurting.
I will be better once you get home.
It’s too easy to spiral when you are not here
Feelings are the worst
Now I know why you suppress them so much
That’s rude.
But fair.
Don’t worry about doing anything with the women
I can just let this blow over
It’s what Farah said we should do
No. It’s important to you.
I’ll fix it.
Shane
Just hang tight, okay?
Nobody gets to spread lies about you and make you feel less than and not answer to me and the group chat full of women I now find myself a part of.
I knew you’d eventually come around.
And in the meantime, I’m sending Mom over to stay with you.
I don’t think that’s necessary. She has more important things to do.
I will be fine. You’ll be home in three more days.
You sent women to take care of me, and now I’m sending one to take care of you.
Because clearly, we suck at it on our own.
She said she’d cook all your favorites for you. And she’s already on her way to pick up hand pies.
Well.
I mean. If she is already on her way.

Operation Prove Satisfaction

Today 5:18 AM
You’re all still living in Boston, right?
Brittany A
I am!
Brittany K
I am, too!
Vanessa
Born and raised.
Jada
Still here!
Liz
I’m in New York, but can easily make a trip if I need to.
Olivia
Same! Liz, we could totally carpool.
Amara
I’m still around.
Simone
If I can get in on that carpool action, I’m in Newark.
Liz
Oh, absolutely.
Okay. Well. I’m flying back to the States today, and we have a game on Friday.
I need as many of you as I can at that game against Boston.
I have an idea.

Ilya ❤️

Today 10:33 PM
Boarding the plane now.
See you in a couple of hours.
THANK FUCK.
Eager much, Rozanov?
To fuck my husband after over a week?
Yes. Yes, I am.
God. I am going to wreck you in ways you never imagined.
Aren’t you still injured? Are you sure that’s the best idea?
My ribs are not required to push you down into the mattress.
Oh.
I guess you’re right.
I am already hard just thinking about it.
I have been dying for you since I saw you give that press conference.
You liked that, huh?
You have no idea.
Made me want to fuck those words right out of your pretty little mouth.
Jesus.
I’m going to need you to stop so I don’t fully embarrass myself on this plane with our teammates.
Sit by Harris and ask him about all the footage he got for socials on the trip.
It will put you right to sleep.
That’s not a half-bad idea, actually.
Then you’ll have energy for me to split you open as soon as you walk through the door.
I’m turning my phone off now.
You won’t feel too tired to come again after I get you off on my tongue first
You’re the worst.
🤤🤤🤤
What you will look like when I’m done with you
GOODBYE ILYA
I love you
Love you, too ❤️

[An image of Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov lying in bed. They are both shirtless with messy hair, and their skin is shiny with sweat as Ilya kisses Shane’s neck, and Shane winks at the camera.]

@realshanehollander Never been more satisfied in my entire goddamn life @ilyarozanov81

Posted December 23 at 11:45 PM

*** 

@ilyarozanoff HOLY. SHIT. 

@number24 He really said come for my man, I dare you. 

@rinkrogue1 Oh, this is so messy, and I am here for it.

@hockeyis4lovers Seriously, how are we lucky enough to live in a time where these two are married?

@haydenpikemontreal Can you send out a warning before you post next time so I can delete the app?

@troybarretthockey 🥵 

@sim0ne That's fucking hot. Respectfully of course. 

End Notes

OKAY. So. When I shared a snippet of this a couple of days ago, I got a comment saying that Ilya wouldn't react this way because he's in a loving relationship with Shane with a great sex life, and wouldn't give a fuck about something that had happened in the past. But I truly believe that Ilya would care very, very much if someone claimed this about him. The attachment issues he would have because of the trauma he's endured would be ENORMOUS. He uses hockey and sex as coping mechanisms for escape and has for most of his life. These are the two things in life he knows he's good at. He finds his worth in them. So, if someone were to question his skill in either one, I think it might send him spiraling a bit. Especially when he took so much care in communicating his boundaries with hook-ups. Especially when he's currently injured and can't play. Especially when his husband is overseas and not physically there to provide support. And just because he's in a happy sexual relationship with Shane, doesn't mean his issues surrounding sex as a whole disappear. If that were true, he wouldn't suffer from depression any more either. He's such a complicated character with so many layers, and a lot of his struggles would take a lot, a LOT of work to unpack in therapy. Not to say that he won't manage that. But I think at this point in his life, he wouldn't have that all figured out.

This isn't meant to be a deep character study. Genuinely I just wanted to make Shane uncomfortable with strong women lol BUT characterization is very important to me, and sometimes I think it helps to have an explanation, and as someone in the mental health profession, I always want to get this stuff right. (My huge thanks to FloraOne for letting me pick her clinical psychology brain for this as well ❤️ Not many friends would let you pick their brain for knowledge around a character they know nothing about lol)

ALSO, I chose not to include Svetlana in this because I wanted Shane to be completely out of his depth. But obviously, I think she would be one of the first to come to Ilya's defense after teasing the fuck out of him about it.

Thank you so much for reading as always, your comments help heal my imposter syndrome, and kudos are love. Feel free to come find me over on tumblr or twitter though I mostly just lurk there, I'd love if you come give me a follow. I'm also on Threads, and you can find me here.

Until next time!