Rating:

Explicit

Archive Warning:

Major Character Death

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Rose Landry, Svetlana Vetrova

Additional Tags:

Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Hurt/Comfort, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, Misunderstandings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Possessive Shane Hollander, Soft Ilya Rozanov, Possessive Ilya Rozanov, Soul Gems, That's not really a thing but I'm making it a thing, Shane Hollander Calls Ilya Rozanov "Baby", Episode: s01e04 Rose (Heated Rivalry), Autistic Shane Hollander, Mild Smut, Soulmates, Ilya Rozanov Misses Irina Rozanova, Ilya Rozanov Needs A Hug, Shane Hollander Walks Ilya Rozanov Like A Dog, Shane Hollander Needs a Hug, BAMF Shane Hollander, Protective Shane Hollander

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-07-17 Completed: 2026-09-28 Words: 18,221 Chapters: 4/4

How Bright

Summary

The sparks from his gem slow his racing thoughts as he opens the box. His breath catches. Inside is a soul gem, the biggest one he’s ever seen. It’s a simple gold band, but the gem is the ring, leaving no filler. Unlike Shane’s metal gold the soul gem gold looks like the sun itself spun into a single ring. It’s the biggest brightest soul he’s ever seen.

Mine. Shane thinks instinctively.

(or in a world where everyone has a gem that is the physical representation of their soul Shane finds out Ilya has been suppressing his and comes to the only logical conclusion: he has to steal Ilya's soul.)

Notes

Hi hi! I've been thinking about this fic since I read behind enemy lines a few months ago. Not directly related but liked the idea of having physical souls and rules about touching them! I hope you like!

ALSO: This takes place the night that Shane agrees to stay over before the Tuna Melt.

• Inspired by behind enemy lines by texalotl

Chapter 1: Rings and Things

Shane’s never cared for jewelry. It’s always been kind of gaudy to him. Sure he’ll pose with a Rolex but it’s never really done anything for him. 

Maybe it has something to do with the whole soul gem thing but whatever. Yes, Shane hates his soul gem and yes, he would love to not have to wear it. 

As soul gems go his isn’t that memorable, a small sapphire circle where the gem is underlayed behind a neat gold band. It’s boring and average and no one can even see the real gem, just the gold outside. It’s just the fact that Shane has to wear it. 

He would love to not have it on him twenty-four seven but if he’s too far away from it he can feel himself fading. Like the Shane in him is getting smaller and smaller. So he wears the damn thing but he doesn’t have to like it. 

His soul is just…it’s his he doesn’t want other people to know about it. It’s bright blue and just messy in comparison to the sleek cover his gold band provides. It’s not like anyone can really see it. Shane just doesn’t like having it with him twenty-four seven. 

Right now he really wishes he didn’t have it with him because he’s currently in Rozanov’s bed preparing to spend the fucking night. Having his soul with him is just…it’s just too much. 

He tucks it against his chest and spins it mechanically around his index finger. That’s another thing that Shane hates, the gem is slightly too big for his index finger but slightly too small for his thumb. He’s probably the only person in the world who has a soul gem who doesn’t fit him. It’s stupid but makes the gem a good fidget toy.

Rozanov does a big stretch at the foot of the bed, fuck even his stretches are hot. Shane fidgets with his ring even more but Rozanov doesn’t mention it thankfully. He tosses a cursory glance over his shoulder and there’s something like trepidation in his gaze.

“Hollander, you don’t have to stay the night-”

“If you kick me out now I won’t get my full eight hours of sleep and I’ll lose the game tomorrow so-” Shane says like this is about hockey. It still is right? Ilya’s hot because Shane is just so in love with hockey. At least that’s what Hayden says. Shane is in love with hockey.

Rozanov smirks and practically crawls across the bed towards Shane. “Mmm, if you stay you might also not get eight hours.” Ilya grabs Shane’s jaw in a grip that’s somewhere between possessive and reverent. 

His grip is tight but he leans in slow as if Shane might back away. As if Shane could ever back away from Ilya fucking Rozanov. The kiss is slow but bone melting as Shane locks his hands around the back of Rozanov’s neck and pulls Ilya closer. If they could just fucking melt together this would all be so much easier. 

Then Shane wouldn’t have an ache in his chest that he can’t quite explain. Then his whole body wouldn’t feel like fireworks when Ilya’s around, the good and bad kind. Then he could just be a normal guy. 

If he just melted into Ilya he wouldn’t have to worry about counting calories or impressing sponsors. He’d just hang out in Ilya’s skin, he’d even get to play hockey still. He’d get to stop being for a while.

Ilya pushes him further into the mattress as if he had the same idea and he’s testing the fusing boundaries. 

He can feel Ilya smile against his lips which makes Shane smile and he probably looks like an idiot but Ilya’s too close to look at him anyway. Shane pulls him down for another kiss. A small part of Shane thinks: yeah I could get used to this. 

But he can’t and he shouldn’t. He can’t. So he shouldn’t. He’s been telling himself this for years now, and he thinks it’s working. He hasn’t gotten used to Ilya’s body or his mouth or anything. He’s still not immune. So he’s not comfortable. He’s not used to it. 

He can never be. 

Shane pulls back and string of salvia connects them, he would normally think it’s gross but right now he thinks it’s so fucking hot. That’s all this is though, it’s hot and sexy and nothing else.

To convince himself Shane buries his hand in Ilya’s curls and tugs hard, he receives something like a growl in response. Ilya bears his teeth like a dog but he’s smiling again. Ilya lunges at Shane and the movement and the placement of Shane’s hand causes his ring to come loose and clatter to the floor. 

Ilya devours his mouth and for a second Shane fully forgets that his soul is rolling around on the floor because Ilya’s mouth is that fucking good. But he can feel his soul sparking in protest.

“Shit!” Shane mutters as he pushes a confused Ilya back with two hands.

“What is wrong?” Ilya asks, sounding genuinely concerned. Ilya’s always been weird like that. Shane tells himself it’s because Ilya’s such a good liar. Well, he can call Shane the most beautiful person in the world without flinching, so he must have some skill with lying.

Shane can’t think about that so he’s out of bed and crouched on the floor in nothing but boxers within a second. “My soul gem fell off.” Shane says, squinting into the darkness beneath Shane’s bed.

“Ah,” Ilya responds, looking around the room in no real attempt to find it. 

Rozanov has always been weird about soul gems. Shane just chalked it up to a difference in culture. He wears it constantly, it’s slung around his neck and affixed in a cross for a reason Shane will never understand. Soul gems often reflect the wearers and a cross has just…never fit. At least in Shane’s mind.

It’s a tiny red gem shaped like a teardrop, Shane knows because in every shirtless interview it’s always dangling between his pecks. Not that Shane watches those interviews more than any of the clothed ones. 

Rozanov always dodged questions about it too. Not that Shane was particularly fond of soul gem questions, it's just that Rozanov treated them differently. 

“Does the teardrop mean anything?” “Da, yes it’s the tears of the Metro’s when they lose this game.” 

“Are you religious?” “No, I'm just always sacrificing myself for the great God of hockey.”

“Is red an important color to you?” “Not more important than black and gold.” 

So it’s not a surprise that Rozanov doesn’t help Shane look. He just seems to be above the whole soul gem thing. Shane wishes he could be above his own gem. It’s always prickling at him and making him too aware of his own body. 

He wishes he had a normal soul gem that fit, and that he didn’t have to wear it where it’s exposed. Shane hates being exposed, meanwhile Ilya doesn’t seem to care that his is always on display and that prying eyes are always taking in his very being. 

So, this leaves Shane on his hands and knees pawing around for the gem while Ilya watches standing above like this is all very boring. Shane reaches his hand deep under Ilya’s bed and waves it around, finding nothing but lint and discarded clothes. He makes a mental note to yell at Ilya about that later.

He rests back on his knees and lets out a frustrated groan, the type that he’s not supposed to do in front of other people. He used to make little non-verbal sounds all the time when his emotions felt too confusing to put into words. His mother rushed him to a speech pathologist worried that his development was slowing. 

The doctor just said it was something that happened to autistic kids when they couldn’t convey their emotions. But Shane wasn’t autistic, so he stopped making the sounds. 

Except right now, half-naked on all fours in his hook-ups bedroom. Shane’s cheeks flush at his childish outburst. He needs to control his emotions, and be a normal fucking human being.

He looks up at Ilya prepared to be made fun of for his inability to handle the situation but finds Ilya has disappeared. 

Shane tilts his head to see Ilya on all fours looking intently as well. Huh. Ilya’s gaze is predatory as he looks for the small ring. And Shane continues looking as well, definitely. 

He’s totally not looking at Ilya’s mouth drawn up in a stern line because Shane needed help. This feels like not a hookup at the moment. Though Ilya’s never really been a hookup to Shane. He’s not sure if the feeling’s mutual. The feeling is surely not mutual. He goes back to searching. 

After about five minutes that feel like twenty Ilya gives a triumphant “ah ha.” Ilya doesn’t get the gem himself, he’s got bravado but it’s not worth the burn someone gets from touching another person’s soul. Shane wonders what Ilya would do with his soul. Would he be nice to it or leave it on his bathroom counter and forget about it. Shane’s not sure he wants to know. 

Of course he doesn’t, no one but Shane will ever touch his soul gem. Simple as that. 

He moves to be next to Ilya so their bodies are practically pressed against each other. Necessary: No. Delicious: Yes. At the end of the day Shane really is a simple man. 

Ilya points his finger into the dark of the bed and Shane squints to see nothing. It’s just pitch black. He should have brought his glasses. No, not his glasses. Shane is a sex object, and doing unsexy things like wearing glasses is the easiest way to lose Ilya and fucking focus Hollander.

Shane reaches his hand in following Ilya’s directions. “Left, little right, little left, yes I know I just said right but you went too far, right-” Shane feels his hand clasp around a cool piece of metal and a part of him relaxes. His soul gem. 

He pulls it back and takes a deep breath at the knowledge it’s back in his hand. From this angle the midnight blue of the inside is fully visible. Shane doesn’t know why but knowing someone else can see the gem part of his soul gem is too fucking much. He reaffixes it to his finger. It’s still a little too big.

“See?” Ilya says stretching like a lazy cat. “All fixed.”

Shane sighs and gives him a playful shove. “Shut up. Not everyone wears their soul so blatantly like you.” He grumbles. If Shane’s gem had manifested into a necklace maybe it wouldn’t slip off so easily. That or if the stupid thing decided to fit.

“Hmm,” Ilya replies as he helps Shane to his feet only to promptly shove him back on the bed. Then Ilya is on him again like the ring never went missing. Ilya is practically in Shane’s lap as he drags his mouth over Shane’s like a hungry animal.

It’s hot. Shane keeps waiting for the day when it’s not but it is. He keeps waiting to get bored like he gets with girls but that doesn’t happen. But that’s not a gay thing. That’s an Ilya thing. It’s about the right person, not the fact that that person has a cock. 

Though Shane right now is appreciating the hard length currently pressed against his thigh. He grabs Ilya’s face because hair was clearly a no go. God that was so embarrassing. Does Ilya think he’s a baby for freaking out about-

Shane pulls off abruptly only for Ilya to chase him down and kiss him again. It takes three attempts, though if Shane’s being honest it could have been over within one, to get a gasp of air.

“S-sorry about that earlier. Freaking out. I-”

“Oh my God Hollander, why do you always pick the most boring things to talk about when I’m trying to get in your pants.”

Shane flushes. “Asshole.”

“Shane it’s fine, it’s your soul you can be weird about it.” Ilya plants a kiss where Shane’s jaw and neck meet. Shane can feel Ilya smirk against his skin. “But, it was fun to find out that your gem is blue.”

“Shut up,” Shane grumbles between whiny moans as Ilya makes his way down Shane’s neck. 

“All this time, I thought Hollander is so boring. His soul is gold because he is so boring and he picked the most stereo-steiro-ugh most normal color. Is gold because he likes to win which is so boring.” Ilya pulls back so that Shane can see his shiteating grin. “But no, he is interesting but keeps it hidden.” 

Shane swallows because, fuck, because yeah. “Not everyone wears theirs so blatantly.” Shane the index finger where his soul rests looping around Ilya’s necklace chain. He’d never touch the gem itself but the surrounding metal is fair game. He tugs Ilya forward into another kiss.

Shane can feel Ilya smiling through the kiss so he’s not shocked that Ilya pulls back to spout more shit. “Deep blue,” Ilya says thoughtfully. “I wonder what the internet says about the soul gem color blue-” Ilya shifts over to grab his phone off the nightstand. 

Shane tackles him, clawing at his hands. “Ugh, that stuff’s as reliable as astrology. Don’t look it up.” 

Ilya stops struggling against Shane, leaving Ilya flat on his back with Shane boxing him in. “I think I’ll need something to distract me.” Ilya says, his hands finding their familiar way to Shane’s waist. 

Shane leans down until he’s a breath away from Ilya and the other man’s eyes flutter close. “Take a shower.” Shane says simple. 

Ilya’s eyes snap open in pure shock that has Shane biting back a giggle. His jaw drops open in mock horror as he takes Shane in. “You are serious?”

Shane rubs his hand across the golden expanse of Ilya’s chest. “You’re going to take a shower. I’m going to take a shower. And then your going to fuck me until I fall asleep. Then you are going to clean us both up and let me sleep.”

Ilya’s eyes stay wide but shift to be a little mocking. “So demanding. What is it, uh- princess treatment.”

“You invited me to sleep over, so do all the hard work so I get to sleep.” Shane finally leans down to kiss Ilya but only gives him a toothy peck that ends with part of Ilya’s lip being dragged upwards. Shane lets it go and god maybe he should let Ilya fuck him right now. 

No, he wants to do this right. Not that this is anything. But if he’s spending the night-

Shane sits back on his knees and swats Ilya’s peck. “Shower.”

Ilya stares at him for a brief moment before throwing his arm over his eyes and groaning. “You are the meanest person ever. You do all the sexy things and get me all worked up then tell me to shower!” Ilya shifts his hand so his eye is peeking out between his fingers. “A quick blowjob?”

Shane silently mouths the word “shower” smirking at his own boldness. Ilya groans again and flops out of bed giving Shane the saddest puppy dog eyes. He moves over to Shane’s side of the bed standing over him. 

“You are lucky you are so pretty,” Ilya pouts before kissing Shane. 

Yeah, Shane is lucky he’s pretty. If he wasn’t Ilya wouldn’t give him the time of day. Hell he’s not even pretty enough to be given the time of day now. He’s seen the super models. He’s not one, he’s big and stalky and-

“I can hear you thinking Hollander,” 

Shane blinks back to the present. “Sorry-”

“Don’t be sorry,” Ilya runs a hand down Shane’s stomach until it’s resting over the bulge in his pants. “Let me take you out of your head.”

“The plan, shower-” 

Ilya pulls Shane out from his boxers with a smirk. “We can still follow your silly plan. I will take a shower and then fuck you. This is appetizer." 

“Yeah but-” Shane’s words are cut off but Ilya’s mouth is wrapped around the head of his cock and he forgets why he was fighting.

Ilya pulls back to kiss the tip and work his tongue into the slit. “Whatever you were thinking about, I think it was probably stupid, yes?” 

Shane opens his mouth to respond but Ilya is faster with his mouth. “Huh?” Is all Shane can manage. 

Ilya pulls off again but using his saliva continues pumping Shane’s cock. “You got the little furrow between your brow that tells me you're thinking something stupid.” 

“It wasn’t-” Ilya pushes down, taking Shane fully in his mouth, making him gasp. “I don’t do the, ngh, eyebrow thing.” 

Ilya looks up at him with bright eyes. “You totally do.” Ilya says without even bothering to remove Shane from his mouth. 

“Shut up, you’re supposed to be distracting me.” 

Ilya goes all the way down and slowly drags his way back up. “I’d say you're distracted.” 

Shane glares in response only for Ilya to stop fucking around and start propertly blowing Shane. It takes three minutes that Shane convinces himself is five to finish. Ilya happily swallows Shane down like it’s easy. Maybe it is for Ilya. 

“Maybe I should go into therapy.” Ilya says, crawling his way up Shane’s body until their lips are together. “I think I’m good at this.”

Ilya kisses him deeply, the way that makes Shane feel like a different person. It’s like a glimpse into a life he can never have. One that’s permanent. 

Shane pulls back. “The faster you shower the sooner we fuck.” Shane says now a little annoyed by his own stipulations but not willing to back down.

Shane’s not sure if Ilya’s doing it to be funny or because he’s actually that horny but he practically sprints into the bathroom. It’s cute.

Shane lies back on the huge mattress and is suddenly struck with the thought that he is alone in Ilya’s room. The thought of being in someone else's space normally stresses Shane out, but right now it’s not so bad.

It’s like there’s a warm sunbeam enveloping Shane that blocks out the stress. It’s the effect Ilya has but more. Like Ilya is more potent in his own room. Shane’s fully lost it. 

He thinks about the stupid comment Ilya made about his ring. What would the zodiac girls have to say about it? He knows what his parents say, they would lament the fact that the part that matters is always hidden. That the deep blue so dark it almost looks black is so much prettier than the standard gold. That no one gets to see Shane. 

Ilya liked how it looked, maybe others would too. Shane clutches his gem to his chest. He feels his soul more distinctly in the room, like it’s inching up his skin with electric sparks. It’s been true since he entered but Ilya kept him well distracted.

Now though, it’s like his soul gem is yelling at him. Maybe that’s why it slipped off, Shane subconsciously wanted it to stop sparking. But now the sparking is stronger. 

Shane rolls over to Ilya’s side of the bed in an attempt to distract himself with Ilya’s scent. The action however causes the sparking to flare up and double in intensity. Shane would shy away from it but it feels like a bruise he just can’t stop pressing. 

He keeps rolling and the feeling continues to grow. He stops with his nose to the nightstand as the feeling peaks. Touching the wood is right. He’s in the right direction. His hand  slips into the drawer and his whole body lights on the best kind of fire.

There’s boring things like a flash light and a charger but Shane’s hand moves on its own past the filler. His hand grasps around a small velvet box. He pulls it out. It looks like a ring box someone would use to get engaged. 

Is Ilya dating a girl he doesn’t know about? Is he planning to propose? Fuck. Why didn’t he tell Shane? Why is he still sleeping with Shane if he’s in love? The thought makes Shane sick. Of course he’s just some side piece that Ilya doesn’t care about. He’s useful because he’s dangerous. Dangerous never lasts though. Shane should just-

The sparks from his gem slow his racing thoughts as he opens the box against his better judgment. He wants to know what Ilya would pick out for the love of his life. Get a peek into the kind of person they are. His breath catches. Inside is a soul gem, the biggest one he’s ever seen. It’s a simple gold band, but the gem is the ring, leaving no filler. Unlike Shane’s metal gold the soul gem gold looks like the sun itself spun into a single ring. It’s the biggest brightest soul he’s ever seen. 

Mine.  Shane thinks instinctively. He hears Ilya bang something in the shower. Shit, Ilya. Shane looks back down at the ring as cold horror floods through him.

Who’s soul gem is this? It’s illegal to steal someone else's soul gem, much more to keep it. Shane runs his fingertips across the lining and feels a soft fabric. When he squints his eyes and looks closer and notices a small mesh bag surrounding the gem. 

A blocker.

Shane had read about blockers, they’re illegal for obvious reasons. The ability to block a soul is too wrong. They’re almost invisible but when a gem is put in one it lowers its potency. There’s someone walking around right now with only half their soul because Ilya- no- because Rozanov stole it and is suppressing it. 

Shane feels rage curl through him. How could Shane be so stupid? Only a monster would lock up a soul. How the fuck was Shane ever attracted to this man? Why did he ever care that he was going to propose?

Without thinking he pulls the gem out of its bag. Shane can’t imagine someone, especially someone with a soul this beautiful, walking around without full access to themselves. 

He doesn’t, however, think about the fact that you're not supposed to touch someone else's gem. It’s like an electric jolt to both the toucher and owner. But when Shane touches the gem it’s nothing like pain that washes over him.

It’s like the light that made Rozanov’s home feel so safe earlier. It’s a warmth that starts from the very center of his bones and reaches out to envelope him. It’s the fire in his childhood fireplace, it’s the body heat after a hard-fought game, it’s coming in from the cold and into your home with a mug of hot cocoa waiting for you. It’s comfort.

Shane can’t help but gasp when he feels it. For a brief, insane moment Shane wonders if Rozanov stole his soul gem. That’s stupid because his is around his finger, but it’s not stupid because the gem he’s holding belongs to him. It’s Shane’s. He knows it, feels it.

It’s like something that was missing is now found, only Shane never knew it’s absence. Now though, now it’s his. It has to be. The way it sings under his skin, the way it doesn’t burn. It belongs to him.

The shower water turns off abruptly and there’s banging noises from the bathroom. Shane clutches the ring like the one guy in the one movie Hayden made him watch once. 

If Rozanov comes out here he’ll try and take the ring back. Shane looks at the mesh bag, he can’t put this soul back there again. He won’t let this soul be smothered. It’s the cruelest thing he can imagine.

Shane doesn’t bother getting his clothes, he barely manages to keep his own ring on as he rushes out of Rozanov’s house. He can’t let Rozanov take the ring back, he doesn’t take care of it. At least that’s the reasoning Shane’s mind is holding onto. This ring needs to be taken care of and right now it’s not.

Shane runs out of the house in a dead sprint, not worrying about the neighbors seeing a half-naked man leaving Rozanov’s house. It’s fine no one will know. Even if they do, it's worth it for the ring in his hand. To save this soul.

He gets about three blocks away before he feels safe. He calls an uber as soon as he does, but still makes it pick him up another three blocks away to be safe. He keeps waiting for the cold air to nip at his exposed skin but the pain never comes. 

He looks down at the new soul gem in awe. Was Ilya hiding some sort of magic soul ring? It’s not shocking him and it’s keeping him warm despite Boston’s climate. It’s everything. Rozanov was just hiding a perfect soul ring and suppressing it.

Shane’s soul ring. It is now. Well, he’ll find the owner and return it to them because that’s the right thing to do. Or maybe Shane is the rightful owner, he feels like he is. He’s had the gem for less than five minutes and already knows he would kill to keep it safe.

While he waits, Shane’s hands move of their own accord. He places the soul ring around his left ring finger without thinking. It fits perfectly. 

***

Ilya was ten years old when he was given his first blocker bag. 

His father glared at him harshly as he shoved over the mesh. His father was always odd about soul gems, he often called them weak and illogical. “You will put this bag around your gem.” His father ordered in Russian, handing a small Ilya the bag.

Ilya held it in his small hands not liking the texture of the mesh. “Why papa?”

“Stop being such an idiot and put it around your gem. Don’t ask stupid questions.” 

Ilya did as he was told because there was nothing else to do. It felt wrong at first. He felt the center of him become dilouded. Like his joy was a little more muted and so were his opinions. He didn’t like it.

Before he could pull the gem back out though, his father pulled the bag away from him and placed it on the mantel with the rest of the family’s gems. Four perfect little bags hiding away the truth of the people inside. 

Ilya’s bag was the thinnest and easiest to see through, his mama’s bag was the thickest and obscured her gem completely. Ilya felt a sinking in his stomach, but it was less than before, so maybe the bags did work.

“Don’t go telling people about this now Ilya. It makes you stronger than them, better than them. But you don’t let them know that. Understood?”

Ilya’s eyes stay glued to the mantel where his gem was just ripped away. He wants it back.

“Am I understood?!” His father barks. 

Ilya cowers on instinct. “Yes papa.” 

His father grumbles something Ilya didn’t hear and then picks up Ilya’s soul gem. “Look at this,” he says, pointing at the gem. “It’s far too small, if you put it away you’ll grow bigger. Stronger. Maybe one day you’ll outgrow the need for one at all.”

His father was right in some ways. He did outgrow his ring, it’s too small to fit on any of his fingers but his pinky and he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing just a pinky ring. While he’s not sure why his father was so adamant about their soul gems, Ilya's glad he was. Because now he doesn’t have to be himself. 

It became addicting after his mothers death to see how low he could go. Five percent is his record but some days he wonders what it would be like to block himself out completely. To be nothing. Just for a little while. 

He doesn’t remember what it’s like to be fully out. Even when he transfers his gem bag to bag he’s careful not to let it hit the exposed air. He doesn’t transfer it often, just when he feels too much or too little. 

He can’t imagine being fully himself, even now his father calls him too much. If he had his gem out he would be too much. Everyone would leave. He has some people now, sure they’ll leave but they’re here now and that’s what matters. If he was himself he wouldn’t even have that. 

Most days he’s at an easy fifty percent, it allows him to keep control without slipping into himself. But he always likes twenty-five the best. Fifty allows him to play better hockey though so fifty is the standard. 

But, maybe, today as a little treat he let himself be sixty percent. Because Shane was coming over. Shane who kissed him on the head after sex. Shane who talks to Ilya like his soul might be worth something. Besides, his stupid soul never seems to stay in place when Shane is around. Might as well let it out. A little. Not too much. He doesn’t want to scare Shane away too.

The sixty percent feels like ninety when Shane’s around and Ilya doesn’t hate it. Even when he’s alone in the shower because Shane demanded he take one before sex, he doesn’t hate it. It’s still contained and that’s what matters. 

As long as he’s not fully himself around Shane he won’t lose control and say something stupid. He can’t afford to make mistakes around Shane. He’s not sure why he just can’t. It’s so fragile what they have, and all Ilya knows how to do is break things. That’s why he hides away.

He fiddles with his mama’s necklace. Her soul gem. North America has stupid rules about blocking your soul gem, and reporters like to ask questions about them. His mama’s soul was better than his anyway. 

The gem has gone gray after her passing but a small red insert sells the illusion. He presses his fingers against the gem as water runs down the length of his body. I think you might like him Mama. Ilya feels something shift inside him, causing him to stumble. 

I think I might like him. And that’s the scariest thing I’ve ever felt. I’m trying to be good like you said. I invited him over and got him nice things. I’m trying to make it not just about sex, but I’ve never been good at that. Nobody ever wanted to stay, and I’m not sure he wants to. I’m trying to remember what you told me about these things. I just don’t know how to lo-

Ilya’s heart pounds out of his chest and he goes light headed. His knees give out from under him as emotion rushes into him at full force. What the hell? His whole body is an egg that’s been cracked wide open and his breaths become short huffs that don’t pull in enough oxygen.

Tears start streaming down his face after so many years of being locked up. His hands shake with so much emotion he can’t stand it. He laughs through the tears because there’s joy along with the sadness and the anger and the fear. There’s so much fear Ilya curls himself into a ball knocking over some bottles.

Ilya reaches to turn off the shower, his hair still slick with shampoo. Even the water is too much at this moment. His skin is a live wire and his heart can’t take all the emotions overtaking him all at once.

 It takes him a second to realize what’s happening. He hasn’t felt his soul completely in so long. In over a decade. But this is it. He knows it the way he knows the sun will rise and his Mama is listening. His soul is finally out of its cage and in the world. 

Years of repressed emotions hit Ilya like a freight train. His mind spins with years of thoughts and feelings that are all being expressed in a millisecond. He thinks he might vomit. 

How did it get out of its bag? Did Ilya not seal it properly? Shit. He’s been having trouble sneaking the bags through customs. Maybe he-

There’s the sound of footsteps on the other side of the door. 

Hollander. 

Ilya’s body physically reacts to the thought of Shane Hollander being outside his door in his room. His stomach flips over on itself and his hands tingle with nerves the likes of which he’s never felt before. Shane being here is sending his over-emotional brain on overdrive. 

This is how Shane Hollander kills him. Emotion overload by seeing his soul gem. 

Fuck.

Ilya doesn’t even bother putting on a towel as he scrambles towards the door. Shane can’t see his soul gem. He just can’t. It’s too big but not big enough to even fit Ilya. It’s a bright yellow that everyone can see, there’s not even supporting metal to help conceal it. It’s big and grotesque and it needs to go back in its box. It’s too much. It’s either everyone sees it or nobody does. 

Ilya prefers that it’s nobody. Nobody wants to see the eyesore anyway, least of all Ilya himself. 

He exits the bathroom to find the bed rumpled and Hollander’s clothes still on the ground. “Hollander?” he calls standing completely naked in the doorway. 

His only reply is the slamming of his front door. Ilya looks and sees his drawer open, the velvet box opened and the mesh bag left. 

His soul is out, unconfined. He doesn’t even have his soul anymore. Shane took it with him when he left. He lost the most important part of himself. The part his mama would kiss despite the shock. She’d say the shock is how he knows he’s alive. 

The thing his mama called beautiful is gone. The core of Ilya Rozanov is gone.

The worst part: is that his soul gem isn’t the worst part.

The worst part is that his fridge is stocked with ginger ale and tuna. The worst part is that he rehearsed conversations that didn’t have a chance to happen. The worst part is he has to sleep alone tonight. 

The worst part is that Shane left. 

For some hell-sent reason that’s Ilya’s last straw as he crumples to the ground and lets himself sob for the first time in a decade. For some reason that thought brings upon the most powerful emotion he’s felt in his entire life.

Chapter 2: A Flower by Any Other Name

Chapter Summary

Shane takes his new ring with him to new love.
EDIT:09/25 I am still working on this! Just hit some hard times :/ but it does exist.

Chapter Notes

“Holy shit! Shane Hollander, did you get engaged and not tell me!” 

“Jackie!” Hayden says, shushing her swears as Jackie pulls Shane’s left hand close to her face. 

Shane is good at doing the safe thing. The easy and responsible thing. But this time the easy and responsible thing was not wearing the ring. That he couldn’t do. 

He hasn’t come up with a good lie for it yet but he’s working on it. It’s clearly a soul ring, there’s no gem that sparkles that bright, but he doesn’t know how to explain everything without…explaining everything. So he just smiles and waves her off. 

“Of course not, you’d know if I-”

Jackie doesn’t release his hand, if anything she brings it closer to her face to get a better look. “This is gorgeous, who gave this to you. Is it a soul gem?”

Shane looks over his shoulder to hopefully get Hayden to save him but his best friend is currently mid-makeover as courtesy of the twins. Shane’s on his own. “No of course it’s not a soul gem, I found it in a thrift shop and it looked cool so-”

Jackie squints. “Are you sure because-” she reaches a long finger over to touch the gem and Shane instinctively jerks his hand back. 

Shane hasn’t tested his theory that the ring didn’t burn anyone but if it did there would be a whole lot of questions he couldn’t answer and whoever’s ring this was would be shocked too. Shane doesn’t even know if the ring has an owner but the thought of harming them- Shane doesn’t let anyone touch the ring. 

“S-sorry, it’s kind of delicate. I don’t like people touching it.” Which was true and also another problem about wearing the ring. Since the gem was the entire ring anyone who touched his hand might get shocked. 

Shane couldn’t imagine his soul gem being like that, so afraid to touch anybody because they could hurt you as easily as you can hurt them. The thought makes him sad for a reason he can’t put his finger on. 

Jackie lifts an eyebrow. “Mmhmm, and all the metros are just fine with you having a not soul gem on your ring finger all of the sudden?” 

“Jackie!” Hayden says running over. “Um…so I know you told me to defrost the chicken for tonight but I sort of forgot. So we’re all getting doordash! Yayy!” He says to a chorus of children's cheers. 

Shane turns back to Jackie. “They’re not the best at noticing things.” 

Jackie sighs loudly. “You can say that again,” Jackie turns to her husband and gives him a kiss on the cheek. “Doordash and you watch the kids for a full weekend.” 

“Jacks!” Hayden pouts but doesn’t argue further. Smart man. 

Jackie turns to Shane, leaning in so only he can hear. “I hope you let us meet her one day.”

***

Shane is currently swaddled in bed, his comforted over his head in case his teammates come in and headphones on. He’s currently watching the Boston game on his laptop in total darkness. 

It’s not odd that he’s watching a hockey game as a hockey player but it is odd that he’s watching this game for the thirty-seventh time in three days. 

It’s the first game Ily- Roazanov has played since the incident. Shane looks at his phone, he blocked Rozanov as soon as he got into the uber and hasn’t checked his messages since. He doesn’t open social media but he’s sure he’s gotten dms there too. 

It’s hard for Shane to fit together the Ilya that would hold him and make him feel like the most important person in the world with the Rozanov that would suppress and steal a soul gem. It feels impossible. Like holding two truths in his head at once, and there’s nothing he can do about it but block Rozanov’s number. 

That doesn’t stop Shane from watching the game though. Rozanov is playing…different. Like someone lit him on fire and he can’t be stopped. He scored five goals and almost set a record for penalty time. 

He’s playing like a totally different person. That’s not true though, he’s playing like a Rozanov without an off switch, like everything about him is at the max. Shane doesn’t have to be there to see he’s coming apart at the seams.

Every close-up of Rozanov, and there are a lot, shows deep dark circles and a level of exhaustion Shane has never seen in him before. Did the soul gem mean that much to him?

Shane pulls his left hand to his face and presses a soft kiss to the gem. Not as much as it means to Shane, because it’s his. 

It still feels like sunshine, like Shane’s not as alone anymore when he has it with him. It’s quickly fighting hockey for the title of most important thing in Shane’s life. Shane thinks the gem is winning. 

“Hollander!” The door swings open as the lights turn on making Shane hiss like a vampire and emerge from his Boston Bears cocoon. 

J.J. is standing in his doorway and Shane curses himself for giving him a spare key when J.J. watched his house. 

“Get up, we’re going out tonight!” He exclaims not at all bothered by the fact that Shane is glaring at him like he wants to rip his throat out. 

“J.J. I-”

“Nope! I won’t hear it!” J.J. walks over to Shane’s bed and practically shoves Shane to his feet. “You have been moping for weeks now and it’s time to have some fucking fun!”

Shane groans loudly, longing to go back to watching Rozanov play. He’s almost at the hour and twenty-three minute mark where they get a closeup of Rozanov’s face and you can track a sweat bead from the top of his head down to his collar bone. 

“Dude, the cast of the X-files is going to be there!” J.J. says raiding Shane’s closet for him.

“Wait, you mean like Rose Landry?” Shane says she's awesome and he can admit that he’s kind of a fan.

“Yes, I mean fucking Rose Landry!” J.J. says hitting Shane squarely in the face with a shirt. 

Shane removes the shirt from his head and bites his lip. He needs to stop thinking about Rozanov. The ring is his now and the sooner he can cut ties the better. He’s not giving the ring up.

“Okay, let’s go dude.” 

***

The bar is sticky and loud in that way bars always seem to be. Shane once again wonders why anyone comes to these places willingly. Though tonight it doesn’t seem as bad. Maybe it’s the ring but the bar feels familiar in a way that doesn’t quite belong to him. 

He finds himself drifting to the bar without thinking, like it’s natural for him to order a drink at a bar. He glances down at the ring again and thinks about its owner. A stupid game because Shane is the owner. 

Though when Shane lets himself think about it, he knows that’s not right. He’d never have a soul gem out in the open like that. It wouldn’t be the color of sunshine, it would be the color of the deepest ocean and hidden behind a boring gold.

Boring.

“Is the Shane Hollander going to order something at my bar, or just stand there?” The bartender asks. 

Shane opens his mouth to apologize but the man's face stops him. He’s grinning at Shane in that way only Rozanov does. Teeth and glinting eyes and something like a promise. 

“Uh, sorry. I’ll get a vodka ginger.” Shane says which is crazy because he opened his mouth to say ginger ale. He swallows down sticky salvia. 

The man smiles. “Coming right up.” 

Shane glances down at his ring. Did it make him do this? No, no of course not that’s crazy. 

The man returns with the drink and Shane gets out his wallet to pay. “For Shane Hollander? It’s on the house.”

“Please I have more than enough,” Shane says, but the man only shakes his head. So, Shane pulls out a hundred dollar bill and places it in the tip jar. 

He quickly turns heel and walks away. He’s acting weird tonight and doesn’t like it. It’s not as though he’s a different person but rather he’s doing things he wouldn’t normally do. Things he’d like to do but normally doesn’t have the confidence to. Like he’s a more mature version of himself all of the sudden.

Except for the drink, that’s just weird. He brings it to his nose and sniffs. Yup it smells  like vodka and ginger ale. This is so stupid. 

He puts the cool glass against his lips and takes a tentative sip. The vodka burns going down but it’s not unpleasant, more like a reminder he’s alive. That’s a feeling he’s never had before and it overwhelms him so much he takes a seat at the nearest booth without thinking. 

“Shane Hollander,” a kind female voice says. Shane snaps up to see Rose fucking Landry sitting across from him. “Welcome to my booth.”

“Oh my god. I’m sorry I didn’t see where I was sitting.” 

“Oh no, it’s totally fine. The kitchen made too many fries and I need some help eating all of them.” She pushes the basket over to Shane with a smirk.

No is on the tip of Shane’s tongue. He’s not supposed to be eating anything fried during the season. But he’s also not supposed to steal his rival's ring and be drinking during the season. He eats a fry. 

She smiles at him and she’s pretty. She has long hair and long nails and she’s feminine and Shane finds her pretty. Shane can’t help but smile, because yes. He’s not gay, his attraction was just a Rozanov thing not a gay thing. 

“It’s an honor to meet you, I love your movies,” Shane says, realizing he never properly expressed his appreciation of her work. 

“Oh please, they’re all awful. Besides I’m also a fan of yours so we’re even,” she says so casually. Like she’s not a movie star. Shane likes her. 

“Really,”

She nods enthusiastically. “Of course, I grew up with four brothers in Michigan, I’ve known about hockey my whole life. And there’s no way to know about hockey without knowing about Shane Hollander.”

And Ilya Rozanov. Shane’s mind supplies unhelpfully. He shoves the thought down and runs his thump across the stolen soul ring. Warmth floods through his system in an instant and he feels a little more grounded. 

Unfortunately it seems Rose tracked the movement too. “Oh my god! Is that your soul ring? It’s gorgeous,” she says, referring to the gold ring. 

Shane’s talked about his soul ring publicly before, but it seems most fans haven’t stayed for the post games interviews. “Yeah, I guess.” Shane says. 

“No, that’s literally the coolest soul gem I’ve ever seen,” she grins. Me too. Shane thinks. “Can I take a closer look? Sorry, I know that’s totally invasive but it’s just-” 

Shane wants to say no, but Rose is a nice girl. A nice girl that he’s attracted(?) to. So he should say yes, he should be nice. 

She’s very careful not to touch his ring and she pulls his hand closer. Her hands are small and cold. She squints in the dark bar light. “There’s a ton of cracks in it,” she observes out loud. “Is this because of your injury?” 

Cracks? Shane never noticed cracks. He pulls the ring close, he’s never examined it too closely, he’s afraid if he does he’ll realize who it belongs to, he’ll notice something he can’t unknow. 

But he can see hairline fractures all over the gem, almost invisible until you're close, but they run like spiderwebs across the rings. They’re so small, but they cover almost every inch. Shane’s heart lurches. 

“Are you still hurt?” Rose asks, so genuine and kind. 

Shane blinks himself back to the present. It takes him a second to remember what she’s referring to. He blinks, the Boston game. He faked an injury so he didn’t have to face Rozanov. 

He would want the ring back and Shane couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t face Rozanov. What if he got violent. Shane doesn’t think he would but stealing a soul ring is huge. Not to mention that if Shane reported it Rozanov could go to jail. Shane’s not sure why he hasn’t reported it. He just can’t. 

“Oh, yeah I’m better now. Thanks, I think it’s just stress you know.”

Rose’s face goes soft. She reaches her hand over so she’s holding Shane’s right one. The one with his real soul ring. It feels less invasive. “When was the last time you did something for yourself?”

Shane lets out a laugh even though nothing is funny. “A while.”

“Let’s change that.”

*** 

Dating Rose is right in all the ways that a relationship should be. He’s big, she's small, he’s a jock, she's preppy, he’s happy, she's happy. It’s perfect. Nothing could ever be the matter. 

He’s watching another raiders game. Rozanov seems to have gotten himself somewhat under control but he’s still playing differently. Shane thinks he’s playing better but it’s clear his coaches don’t agree as he sees way less ice time than he should. 

He’s been dating Rose for about a month now, or is it two? He can’t remember. He’s been dating Rose for ten raiders games. Ten times Ilya smashed the ice beneath his feet to make a better path. 

Shane’s eyes droop, it’s almost one a.m. and he really should be getting to sleep soon. It’s just, he leaves for all stars in three days. He’s going to see Ilya in person for the first time since…since the ring. 

Shane’s scared, he’ll admit that. This stupid little ring is the most important thing to him, he doesn’t know why but the comfort it provides, the confidence it gives him. He can’t give that up. He can never give that up.

He’s not sure what he’ll do when he gets there. Just that Rozanov won’t let him leave without talking. Shane swallows down bile. What a monster.

He looks at his phone, there’s an unread text from Rose about setting up a date before he leaves. 

Shane turns back to his laptop and presses play on the Boston game.

***

Shane and Rose do go out about a day later. It’s to a restaurant with low lighting and a vibe that makes Shane uncomfortable. 

They’ve tried having sex a few times and each time he feels the new soul ring burn his skin. But he’d rather stop touching her than take it off, so most nights end with them both embarrassed and unsatisfied in bed. 

Maybe the mood of the place will help. Shane knows he can get hard, he just needs the right person. Rose is the right person, it just takes time. 

“I hope you don’t mind that I ordered you a drink already,” Rose says, she’s so flirty and feminine and Shane needs his body to work for him. 

“Ah, thanks,” Shane says, shuffling into the seat. He’s not normally late but he wanted to watch the first period of the raiders game. It’s still on in his pocket so he can check the score. 

“Thanks for meeting me, I thought we should uh…talk?” Rose says. 

Shane just nods as a waiter brings him a ginger ale and sets it down in front of him. When he takes a sip it lacks the burn of the vodka that he’s become accustomed to. It just tastes bland now. He pushes it aside. 

“What do you want to talk about?” 

“Um, are you happy in our relationship?” Rose asks, fiddling with the straw in her coke. 

“Of course,” Shane says, because it makes sense. 

“I mean like, do you-” Rose cuts herself off. “Sorry, I’m saying this all wrong. Do you, uh, like kissing me?”

“Sure,” Shane says and by the look on her face it’s clear that was the wrong response. “I mean yes of course.” 

She just shakes her head, not mad but not thrilled. “Shane, I think sometimes when we’re together…you know maybe you’d rather be kissing Miles than me.” 

Shane’s fingers reach for the ring, letting warmth flood through him. Not Miles. “I-uh”

“There’s no gay players in the NHL, are there?” Rose says, her face so understanding Shane wants to vomit.

“Not that are out, no.” That’s enough of an admission in itself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t- it’s my fault and-”

Rose takes his hand “Hey, hey! It’s not your fault and there’s nothing to apologize for. Okay? And it’s um, not just that.”

Shane blinks hard and shakes away the gathering tears. “What-”

“Your uh- soul gem. I looked it up and they say yours is a plain gold band.” She turns over the hand she still has in her grasp pointing to Shane’s actual soul gem. “This is it right?” 

He looks at her, takes a deep breath and nods. 

“Your other soul gem.” She starts and Shane instinctively clutches the gem against his leg. Mine. “It’s not yours, is it?” 

“It is,” Shane replies but his voice is like sandpaper. “It’s mine, I don’t know why it is…it just is.”

Rose's eyes go wide for a second as she takes them in. “Did your parents ever tell you stories about soul gems growing up?”

Shane shakes his head slowly, unsure where she’s going with this. 

“My parents did, there’s this legend that you can trade soul gems with your soulmate and it won’t burn or pull on your soul. Maybe it’s an American thing but it was always very grand and romantic in stories. There’s only a few movies about it, and I’m not sure if it’s real or anything but-”

Shane blinks at her for a moment trying to gather what she’s implying. That he has a soulmate? “Soulmates don’t exist.” 

“It’s possible they do, I think they did a research study on it. But it’s like super rare and it’s only been case studies. Like one in one million. I’m not saying that-”

“That I have a soulmate?” Shane balks because- because that’s crazy. 

“I’m just saying you carry that thing around like it’s more important than your own soul, and guard it with your life. Honestly, you kinda act like the people in the stories.”

She laughs a little but all the joy has drained out of Shane as panic starts to creep in. She’s wrong, she has to be wrong. 

“And it’s clear the other person is still alive, since you know the soul gem isn’t gray. It’s really the only thing I could think of. And I don’t know how you got your soulmates gem without knowing their your soulmate but-”

“I don’t think it’s that.” Shane blurts. He has to stop her talking. The implications alone could bury him alive. “It’s not that.” Shane swallows. “It’s like you said that’s for stories. I think- I think this one might be special and like it might not burn anyone. And I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to take it away, and I know that’s selfish but-”

“Shane, breathe.”

Shane sucks in a lungful of air that’s not refreshing in any way. “We could test it, if you want?”
“Test it?” 

“See if the ring shocks me. If it doesn’t then you have a magic ring and I won’t take it away from you. I promise. If it does, I’m right and you have to buy me a drink because love is real!” Rose offers, she seems a little too excited. 

“I don’t want anyone else touching it.” Shane says because it’s the truth. He doesn’t want anyone to touch what belongs to him. 

“Shane, you have to know,” Rose looks at him with too much understanding. “You can’t keep pretending that this is nothing. You have someone else's soul around your finger.”

Shane looks down at his left hand and lifts it till it’s on the table. “I do want to know…you promise you won’t take it away?”

“Pinky promise.”

Shane takes a deep breath letting his hand rest on the table as Rose gets closer she reaches out her index finger and grazes it softly. She jerks back and yelps, blowing on her finger like it burnt her. 

They get the attention of several other patrons and the waiter comes over, checking on Rose.

“Sorry, just spilled some water on myself!” She explains, because touching a soul gem doesn’t hurt that much. 

She waves everyone away, suddenly the raiders game on low volume in his back pocket is yelling. 

He pulls out his phone to see Rozanov being helped off the ice, they replay the fall one moment he’s rocketing off with the puck, the next he’s doubled over in pain and falling down without anyone touching him.

The announcers are trying to make sense of it while Rose calms down the waiter. Shane looks at his ring.

He needs to talk to Ilya.

***

All Stars is not normally Shane’s cup of tea, it’s too much media and too little hockey. He can’t tell if this All Stars is better or worse but he knows it’ll be different. 

He steps into the bar and his eyes land on Ilya immediately, he doesn’t even have to try. He’s hunched over a beer wearing a shirt that should be ugly but just looks hot. 

He’s not talking to anyone which is odd for him, he looks so sad. The soul ring prickles on his finger. 

Shane has the insane idea to just run away, don’t talk to him, don’t go to all stars, leave Florida, leave fucking America. But where would that leave him? Faking an injury every time he would face Rozanov. 

Shane squares his shoulders and walks towards the bar. Ilya normally has the social awareness of a hawk but now he doesn’t stir, even when Shane takes a seat next to him. Shane’s stomach sinks a little.

“You want something to drink?” The bartender asks, and Rozanov still doesn’t move. 

Shane swallows down his nerves. “I’ll have what my teammate is having,” he breathes. The reaction is immediate. Rozanov’s head snaps up and his eyes go wide as he takes in Shane sitting next to him. He looks like he’s seen a ghost as equal parts fear and disbelief cloud his face. 

“Hollander,” his voice is rubbed raw, like he’s just been crying though nothing else gives that impression. 

“H-hey, we should talk.”

***

The bar is too public and so is the beach, so once again they end up in a hotel room. It’s fine, Shane needs to be alone to discuss this with Rozanov but is terrified of what happens when Rozanov gets him alone. Will he be jumped? 

He knocks on Rozanov’s door twice, and the door swings open within a moment, revealing a

desperate Rozanov on the other side. He gestures Shane in with wild hand gestures and Shane doesn’t deny him. 

Rozanov shuts the door and spins on Shane. “Before you say anything or report me just let me explain, okay. I know what you must think I’m a monster but there’s a reasonable explanation I promise! You just left and then blocked me and-“

Shane plops himself down on the bed. “Explain then.”

Rozanov looks more than a little shocked, his mouth slightly agape that Shane’s just letting him talk. Shane reaches for his finger to touch the soul ring in comfort but finds his finger empty.

He grits his teeth instead. He took off the ring because he doesn’t know if Rozanov knows the stories Rose did. Would he assume that Shane- 

It’s easier to just leave it in his pocket where its weight is keeping him grounded even now. 

“It’s mine,” Rozanov says simply, as if that explains everything.

Shane just stares at him for a moment. He’s waiting for the punchline, the part where this makes sense. “You have a soul gem,” is Shane’s response because Rozanov can’t think he’s that stupid. 

Not to mention that he wouldn’t suppress his own soul gem, it would be bad for his hockey. 

Rozanov sighs and pulls the cross out from under his shirt revealing the tiny red soul gem. It’s smaller than Shane remembers. It is less than the size of a penny and is dwarfed by Rozanov’s hand. 

He looks at Shane like he’s going to say something but probably realizes he has no leverage. He inhales deeply and exhales ghosts. 

He carefully touches the back of the gem and pulls out a small red item. Shane blinks and watches as the red soul gem turns gray. Gray soul gems belong to the dead. 

They often fade quickly after death unless someone takes them and keeps their soul, which normally takes a lot of effort. It’s a burden to the wearer, keeping the memory alive, if it fades for even a moment the whole thing can crack and wither. 

The gem Rozanov’s holding is perfectly intact. He never forgot. 

“It’s my mom’s,” Rozanov says with so little emotion it becomes too much emotion. “I wear hers to remember her, and I let the world think that it’s mine so I don’t have to take it off or answer questions.”

Shane’s supposed to hate Rozanov, because he suppressed a soul ring and that soul ring is Shane’s. He’s supposed to hate Rozanov because they’re rivals and all that dumb shit. He doesn’t hate Rozanov though, Shane’s heart fucking breaks for him. 

“I’m so sorry,”

Rozanov shrugs using the movement to bury the necklace again. “I was young.”

It’s a flimsy argument, nobody keeps a soul gem that long without hurting deeply for the person they lost.

“I’m sorry I made you think I stole someone else's, I know that’s a capital offense but I promise I meant no harm.” Ilya’s hands are out like he’s trying not to spook a wild animal. “I can even touch the ring to show you it’s mine, okay?”

Ilya’s eyes are pleading, Shane carefully extracts the ring out using an edge of the bed’s comforter so he doesn’t have to touch it. For some reason it’s important that Ilya doesn’t know about the whole touching thing yet.

Ilya carefully comes towards Shane and places three fingers on the ring, it doesn’t shock him. Shane knew that though, he knew when he saw Ilya at the bar, he knew when he watched the first Raiders game. He just didn’t want to admit it. 

A small red teardrop in a cross is not Ilya, he’s not small, or angry or devout. He’s big and bright and impossible to miss. He’s a soul ring that shocks the user and the toucher so powerfully they both cause a scene in different countries. 

He fits perfectly around Shane’s finger.

Of course it’s Ilya. Of course it’s always been Ilya. But that’s the issue, if it’s Ilya, if Shane knows whose soul it is, he has to give it back. And if Rose was right that means-

“I’m sorry to have frightened you, I promise I would never steal something like that.” Ilya’s eyes look deeply into Shane’s like it’s of grave importance he understands this. But deep down Shane already knew that too.

“I’m glad this is over, now-” Ilya’s fingers close around the soul ring and Shane’s instincts kick in. He yanks the gem back so hard he flops on his back and displaces the comforter. 

“NO!” Shane shouts clutching the ring close to his chest. When he looks up Ilya hasn’t moved, he’s still poised over Shane’s previous position at a total loss for words. “I-I still have questions.” I’m still not ready to let go.

Ilya rakes a hand over his face roughly, so much so that his cheeks are red when he pulls away. “About what? It’s my soul gem, yes? So can I have it back.” 

He reaches for it again but Shane lifts his hand so it’s out of his reach again. “You kept it in that bag, it was a suppressor.”

Ilya goes still and pulls back. Another sigh like Shane is being impossible. Maybe he is but he’s not stopping now. “Shane, listen-”

“No, you listen! Regardless of if it’s your own or not it’s still considered abuse to hide it away! So I could still report you if you don’t give me a good fucking reason,” Shane says standing up, and dragging the entire bedding with him.

“Why do you care, Hollander? Huh? It’s my soul, it doesn’t fucking matter. And nobody enforces those things. Just give it back and we can forget this ever happened, okay?”

Shane narrows his eyes until they become sharp as daggers. “Give me an answer that I find satisfactory and we can forget it.” 

“Satisfa-” Ilya groans. “What does that mean, Hollander?”

Shane walks towards Ilya until they are practically nose to nose. “It means tell me something I’ll like.”

Ilya’s eyes bore into Shane’s before they briefly tick up towards the gem Shane still holds aloft. He doesn’t reach for it. Smart man.

“Russia is different, people use suppressant bags all the time. It’s just a North American thing to be so free. I have done it all my life, it’s illegal to you but it’s normal to me. It’s mine so that’s all that matters.” Ilya juts his chin out, as if this a contest he’s trying to win. Unfortunately his opponent is Shane Hollander. 

“Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s right. I mean, fuck, you’re supressing your fucking soul. I can’t-”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER HOLLANDER!” Ilya shouts so loud he shocks himself bringing a hand over his mouth. “It doesn’t matter,” Ilya repeats in a low tone. “Just, I would like it back,” Ilya reaches out a hand for Shane to place the ring into. 

Shane feels spiders crawl up his skin as he thinks about giving Ilya back his ring. “You’re gonna suppress it again,” Shane whispers.

Ilya shakes his head. “Don’t worry about me, Hollander. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” His hand inches forward. “Things will be better this way.”

“No,” Shane says, once again clutching the ring to his chest.

“No?” Ilya looks a second away from going crazy. 

“No. You’re just going to suppress it again,” Shane takes a step back. “It’s mine now.”

“Yours? What the fuck Hollander?” 

Shane releases his grip on the ring so it falls out of his clothed hand into his free one. He slips it on easily as Ilya watches with wide eyes as neither of them get shocked. 

“You’re not taking good care of it, so I will.” Shane squares his shoulders. Ilya’s in shock so Shane easily moves around him. He’s at the door when he realizes this won’t change anything. Ilya will still be depressed and without a soul.

Shane turns to Ilya and places his own midnight blue soul in Ilya’s hands. “Now we’re even.” Shane turns heel and walks out the door. He waits for the shock of Ilya touching his soul to come, it never does.

Chapter End Notes

:P
Next chapter will be all Ilya's POV so don't worry. I'm really liking this idea and I hope you are too!
Mwah

Chapter 3: New Soul

Chapter Summary

Navigating with new rings

Chapter Notes

SORRRY FOR THE LONG WAIT THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE OUT BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH!!
Also I wrote most of this at work in the last week :)

Ilya holds the world in his hands. Shane’s soul gem sits squarely in the center of his palm glinting at him threateningly. There’s only a small piece of metal separating Ilya’s skin from touching the soul of Shane Hollander. The outer band is boring gold but protects Ilya from hurting Shane. 

A part of Ilya still wants to touch it though. If not just to hurt himself, touching soul gems has always been particularly painful for him. Maybe if he shocks Hollander the boy will come running back. He can return Ilya’s soul gem and Ilya will get to see him again. No. Not that last bit.

Ilya often found english metaphors stupid but “moth to a flame” feels accurate to this moment. He lets his thumb graze just the metal, then he dips closer waiting for the shock. There’s none. Instead Ilya is greeted with a rush of cool relief that sends him tumbling back onto his bed. It’s so potent Ilya feels tears prick at his eyes. The sensation is like a cool breeze after a long workout that wraps him in comfort and the promise that the hard work is over. It’s the first cold breeze in winter before the Russian air became oppressive, where it was just enough to make you feel alive. His mama’s borscht in the summertime that she would make cold as a rare treat.

Ilya blinks hard, willing the wetness that has gathered in his eyes to go away. What the hell? What the actual hell.

And Hollander touched his ring too, and he didn’t get shocked. How-How-

Ilya feels the oddest compulsion to put it on his left ring finger. Like touching it the action feels involuntary and his body moves of its own accord. He slips the ring on slowly and it fits like a glove. 

Ilya presses his head deep in his hands. He doesn’t know when he realized that he wanted more with Hollander, he doesn’t even know when that want sprouted. But for the first time in his life he got odd impulses around a sexual partner. 

He wanted Shane in his space, in his bed, he wanted to talk to him and cook for him. The only other person he cared about like that was Sveta, he liked having her around. 

Except it was nothing like Sveta and Ilya knew that, he just pretended otherwise. He pretended otherwise for years and years. But then Hollander stole his ring, and won’t give it back. He wants to protect Ilya’s ring for some unexplainable reason. 

It’s stupid that now is the moment that Ilya realizes he is in love with Shane Hollander. Seeing his soul in Shane’s hands, and seeing him again after thinking that everything was over. That Hollander would always hate him. But he didn’t. And Ilya is permenately fucked. The whole situcation is fucked. How does he have Shane’s soul ring? How does Hollander have his?

Ilya finally breaks, he reaches for his phone and presses his emergency contact. The line connects after the second ring.

“So happy you found the call button. What can I do to help you, troubled one?” Sveta asks without preamble.

“I think I’m in love.”

***

Ilya’s had love before, he was loved and felt love. He woke up everyday knowing that someone would care. Then he didn’t. 

It’s one thing to live in the cold with its wind biting your nose and making your teeth chatter. It’s another thing to live in the sun with rays that wrap around you like a blanket and then be discarded to the snow. 

That’s why Ilya doesn’t do love. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s not that he's incapable, it’s that he only knows love that hurts. 

Sure, sometimes someone slips through the cracks like Sveta or his teammates but no one that would…care if he…went away.

Not that he wants to go away, it’s just hard to picture a life far in the future. But now Shane fucking Hollander’s soul ring is on his finger and the call log with Sveta has reached three hours. 

“Someone on Reddit says that they switched gems with their spouse and it didn’t sting.” Sveta reports unhelpfully. 

“Okay, but that’s not related. It’s a glitch in the system. A cosmic mistake, that’s all those people have too. Americans romanticize everything.”

Sveta gives a non-committal hum that tells Ilya that she’s not buying his act. Ilya presses the ring into himself again letting the cool relief flood over him. It’s nice. It’s like a part of him can bring he-who-shall-not-be-named’s level-headness with him wherever he goes.

“Ilya, how did you get yourself in this mess?” Sveta asks after a beat of silence that’s achingly loud. 

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what to do with the ring.”

“Do we need to go over the options again?”

“It’s-”

“Give it back ‘but Sveta I can’t’ throw it away ‘but Sevta I can’t’ report it to the authorities ‘but Sveta I can’t’ Talk. To. Him. ‘but-but-but”

Ilya sighs loud enough to cut her off. “Yes, yes I get it. I am stupid and lame and you are smart and talented. Amazing. Congratulations. This still does not fix the issue.”

“You know what would fix the issue idiot? Talking to him-”

Yeah, but Ilya’s not sure what he would say. He doesn’t even know if he wants his ring back, and he does know that he’s not going to give it up. Ilya’s not sure he could part with the bright blue soul ring either. 

He never noticed before but the blue crawls up the side of the gold band, as if reaching to get out. Ilya almost wants to tell it to hide, that his soul ring being on the outside means he can’t shake hands or get too close, because it would shock him. 

But the little ring doesn’t seem to care about what Ilya thinks, sometimes he swears he sees it become more and more blue.

***

What the fuck was he thinking?!?! Giving Ilya his soul ring? Shane rubs his thumb over the golden soul gem in a nervous tick. He bites his bottom lip and spirals. What the fuck. He doesn’t have his soul ring. His fucking SOUL is just out there some where.

Not anywhere, it’s with Ilya Rozanov. Fuck. Shane lays on his back staring up at the hotel room ceiling as his random roommate snores besides him. He loves Hayden but of all the years to not make the cut for all stars, this was not the one.

Shane doesn’t know what to do. He bites his lip and gives up on pretending to sleep. He scurries into the bathroom and puts his head between his knees. He practices deep breaths and slows down his heart rate. 

It comes down to two things: 1. Shane isn’t an impulsive creature. He never gets into fights on the ice, he never says a curt word to his other players no matter how much he wants to, he never signs a document without at least a dozen people reading over it. Despite this he did something impulsive. 

1. Ilya. Rozanov. No, just Ilya. It was always around him that Shane became a debouched reckless shadow of himself. What is it about Ilya that makes Shane’s brain scramble itself, until he’s a different person. And, maybe the most important question of all, does Shane prefer that person to Captain Hollander. 

He couldn’t think straight, he didn’t know what he would tell his parents when they saw a soul ring that wasn’t his. Or what to tell the media. Shane dropped his head and spiraled some more.

***

“It’s cold right now, it’s destroying all life so that new life can come forward during spring.” Irina responded when a young Ilya asked why winter was cold. 

“But I liked what was there. Why does it have to die? Why do new things have to come?” Ilya responded petulantly, he never liked the idea of death, that something could just…disappear. 

“Because, it can be better than it was before. The coldest winters bring the most fruitful springs.” 

***

Ilya didn’t cry at his fathers funeral, his eyes didn’t bubble with tears like at his mothers. He was twenty-six now, there was no room for tears. He played with Shane’s ring around his finger and swallowed thickly. 

He blinked and he returned to his dingy apartment in Moscow, clad in all black and snow clinging to every inch of him, he feels  coldness settle in his bones. He doesn’t remember the ride over, or the funeral at all. A hazy blurb already pushed to the edges of his mind where he keeps all the things he wants to keep fuzzy. His mother lives there. Someone else used to live there, but he’s since pushed his way back to the center, unwilling to be anything but the best. 

He picks up his phone and calls Shane Hollander. It’s been only about a month since all stars, and they’ve texted casually neither addressing the elephant in the room, because what’s there to say? They each have each other's soul, neither of them want to give up the others. They hadn’t seen each other in person since the trade since Montreal hasn’t play Boston yet, so when Shane’s face appears on Ilya’s screen it’s like seeing his wife after a brutal war. Or something less romantic in nature. But Ilya couldn’t think of anything else, just the relief of the familiar after time in the dense and dangerous. 

“Oh my god, Ilya, hi.” Shane says a little rambly, readjusting the glasses perched on his nose. Of course Shane wears glasses because he’s perfect, he doesn’t even look nerdy or lame in them. He’s sitting illuminated only by a nearby lamp so he looks warm and his face is soft with concern and- 

Ilya can’t choke back the sob that rips from his throat. It’s cleansing and horrible as it rips through him. He quickly shifts the phone away so Shane can’t see him. 

Shane is so fucking beautiful and perfect, but he’s a million miles away and Ilya can never have him. The thought is so overwhelming Ilya breaks down on the spot. The phone is no face-down on his mattress but Shane’s voice pours out of it like a balm. 

“Ilya, baby, it’s okay, what happened, where are you, are you safe, do you want me to come to you?” It’s word vomit and too much english for Ilya to understand. 

What Ilya can understand, or at least feel, is the comforting sensation pushing out from his ring, wrapping his body in a warm hug of some sort. It’s like his body isn’t his own, the physical panic that clutched his lungs a moment ago is forcibly loosened. 

Without thinking Ilya starts to slow his breathing. For a moment he’s calm despite everything, almost forced, but he’d take anything over the panic attack that was brewing moments before.

He’s snapped out of his day dream by the sound of a car door slamming shut. 

“What was that?” 

“I’m in the car, you’re freaking me out!” Shane responds like he’s under attack.

Ilya can’t help but chuckle, he turns to the phone like he can see Shane. “What are you planning to do in the car?” 

“I don’t know, drive to you? I don’t know, I’m freaking out.” 

“You can’t drive to Moscow, I don’t think.” Ilya says flatly. He can hear Shane’s breath catch on the other side. 

“Moscow?” 

Ilya rubs Shane’s ring around his finger, hoping maybe he could transfer some of the comfort it had recently given him. It’s not like they’re connected but…it’s a nice thought. 

“My father passed,” Ilya’s not sure how he’s supposed to say the sentence. Should he be on the verge of tears? Already sobbing? Smiling, crying, laughing, shouting anything. He recites it like a robot. 

“Ilya I’m so sorry-“ 

“What are people saying?” Ilya says, snapping back to attention. Focus on what Shane can talk about. Shane didn’t even know your father, why should he care?

“N-nothing, it’s all been quiet.” Shane says, and Ilya feels comfort rush through him again. It’s so nice he smiles like a little kid. 

Turning over Ilya finally reveals the phone again, Shane is sitting in a car looking frazzled and half dressed. Stunning. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Shane asks, it’s a plea. Like Ilya would be doing him a great service by giving him something to do. 

Ilya sniffs, and pretends it’s intentional. “I don’t know, he was not nice.” 

“No?”

“No.” Ilya responds easily, Shane’s face is scrunched up in worry. “He was cruel, I think. And I should be more upset-“ 

“You’re allowed to feel however you want Ilya. There’s no rules.” Shane says, balancing between angry kitten and vicious snow leopard. 

I can’t feel how I want. I don’t feel what I want about you. Never have. I’m starting to think I never will. 

Ilya rubs his ring. “What are you doing?” 

Shane blinks as if Ilya just asked him something absurd. “In the car because you called me and freaked me out!” 

“I’m sorry,” Ilya says with a fond smile tugging at his lips. “Go back inside, it’s probably cold.” 

Shane huffs with relief as if he was just waiting for permission. “Thank fuck, it’s like midnight here and cold as shit.” 

Ilya watches as the camera turns blurry until he can hear Shane crunching through the snow. 

Shane reaches the door and swings it open, breathing in the warmth. 

They both sit in silence for a second. What now? Ilya’s okay, Shane is here. There’s no reason to continue the call.

“How do you get ready for bed?” Ilya blurts into the dark.

“What?”

“Prepare for bed. You do sleep in a bed, yes? No freaky hockey tank or something.”

“Fuck off,” Shane’s face is at contrast with his words as it bunches up in a smile. “Getting ready for bed is boring, you don’t want to see that.”

“I’ve been craving a little boring recently.”

***

Shane’s been avoiding his parents, he’s not sure how he’s going to pass off the no soul ring thing. But his mom has gotten worried that Shane is mad at her and it feels awful, so he walks into the cozy restaurant with his heart in his throat and his throat in his stomach. 

The restaurant is a mom and pop place that’s been repainted in city-centered varnish. Shane can still see the faded photos hung up on the wall but winces at the ikea frames they’ve been shoved in. 

When Shane arrives his parents greet him warmly. “Thank god, I was starting to think you were avoiding us.” His mom starts. 

“Yuna.” His dad warns. 

“What? I did think that,” she reaches a hand over to grasp Shane’s across the table. “Either way I’m so happy to see you, Shane.” 

She smiles warmly and Shane feels like an awful son again. 

His mom grabs his hand abruptly and brings his fingers more fully into view. “Why aren’t you wearing your soul ring?” 

He feels less awful about avoiding them. “It kept slipping off so I put it on a chain.” Shane presses his palm to his chest so the imprint of the ring is visible. They just don’t know whose ring. 

Yuna furrows her brow. “Shane, I don’t think you give your soul enough space to breathe.” She corrects lightly, her soul earrings shining bright and loud. Lucky you. 

“I think it’s great that you found a solution to your slipping problem, Shane.” His father cuts in right before the waiter arrives. 

They all order in quick time, and Shane is grateful for the distraction, maybe his mom will drop it by the time-

“I just don’t think it’s healthy for a soul to be locked away all the time, plus it’s an image for your brand. Sponsors like to see that sort of stuff.” 

But he can never show his soul ring again. Ever. Because he has Ilya’s, and soul rings don’t just change color and size. He hadn’t even been taking his shirt off in the locker room, can he really keep this up forever? 

“I need to use the restroom.” Shane announces abruptly shoving away from his chair. He left the table without waiting for a reaction or permission. 

He slammed the door open to the bathroom with a little more force than necessary and quickly checked the stalls for anyone else. He was blessedly alone. 

In that moment he let himself break then. He was stupid, he was selfish. He needs to think about Hollander not Shane. He’s a brand, he can’t just give away his soul ring. Panic floods his body white hot and makes him dizzy. He leans against the sink to stabilize himself. 

 The panic comes in waves and Shane just closes his eyes in an attempt to ward it away. Then out of nowhere he feels warmth flood through him, a relief he can’t name or quantify. Like an internal hug, his heart slows itself and his racing mind comes to a halt without his input.

The fuck? 

This has never happened before and Shane would freak out about it if he could freak out. Now all he can do is feel comfort and affection stemming from-

Shane carefully removes his necklace from beneath his shirt to find the golden gem glowing. 

Ilya.

Is Ilya comforting him all the way from Boston? Is this even his doing? Of course it is. 

Shane’s mouth goes dry as he turns back to Rose’s soulmate theory. So hypothetically if soulmates were real the chances Shane had one would be low. And hypothetically even if he did have one it wouldn’t be Ilya Rozanov. And hypothetically if both these things were true, then it’s not his fault if he feels like this. Or maybe it’s all because he feels like this. 

He misses Ilya, more than a lot. And maybe that’s why he stole the soul ring to begin with. He needed a clear reason to hate him because without that reason he’ll fall, well he’ll have to acknowledge he fell.

Shane holds the ring against his forehead, and doesn’t have time to move when the door opens and his dad walks in, staring at him holding someone else’s soul ring. 

Shane makes eye contact with his dad for a brief second before David huffs out a breath and turns to leave. 

Shane is struck still with shock as he watches his dad go. Dread climbs up his throat and tries to make a home there. 

The warmth inside him fights back with equal force, and the comfort is so strong Shane swears he can feel Ilya’s arms around him. Confidence, even if it’s only a little, starts to bloom behind his sternum. 

He marches out. 

His dad is chatting lightly with his mom when Shane comes back, probably telling her all about him. Just when his confidence wavers the ring pushes back in full force. 

“Shane, are you okay?” His mother says softly. 

“Yeah can-can we talk about this at home?” 

Yuna looks properly taken aback as David avoids eye contact. Yuna looks at David for support but finds none. Shane clenches his jaw.

“Of course, sweetie.” 

***

The ride home is awkward, as static fills the air, along with his moms ramblings. His father had been pretty quiet since he walked in on Shane and Shane had followed suit. 

Yuna was desperately trying to keep conversation alive but it died up until she killed the car engine. They all walk into the house in silence and the moment the door shuts Yuna cracks. “What is going on?” 

“I can explain,” Shane begins, needing to cut off any wayward thoughts. If he thought Ilya was evil for stealing someone else’s soul ring what would his parents think of him? “I know it looks bad-“ 

“What looks bad?” Yuna asks, arching an eyebrow. 

Shane looks at his dad and his mother follows his gaze. “What do you know that I don’t?” 

He didn’t tell her. He was willing to just forget about this. And Shane…

A flush of confidence comes again, and Shane reaches into his shirt and reveals the ring. 

His mother gasps loudly, a little louder than necessary Shane thinks, but he waits for her response. 

She only gawks and it’s his father who finds his voice first. “I’m sure you have a very normal explanation for this Shane. Even still you don’t owe us one.”

Yuna whips around to glare at her husband. “Yes you do! Who’s ring is that? How aren’t you shocked? Why is it glowing-“ 

She reaches forward to touch the ring and instinctively Shane’s hand grasps her own. He saw how badly Ilya was hurt last time, he’s not going to get hurt again. 

“Uh-sorry,” Shane says, releasing his mothers hand. “It shocks someone, just not uh me.” 

His parents look at each other. “But it doesn’t shock you?” His dad clarifies. 

“Um, yeah.” Shane responds with a half-hearted shrug. 

Also I think it’s a soulmate thing, but I’m not sure because it’s so fucking rare and aren’t I lucky? Who is it? Oh it’s only the person we all hate except I don’t hate him, I-

“I’ve been uh holding onto it, for now.” 

Yuna’s eyes go large as she grasps for his hand. “Then where's your soul gem?” She asks frantically. 

“It’s with-“ Shane’s mouth opens around the I shape in Ilya’s name but no sound comes out. “Someone else.” 

Yuna puts a hand over her mouth. “Who?” 

“I-I can’t tell you.” 

Yuna and David look at each other and panic is written clear over their faces. It’s unheard of to be without your soul, it’s even more insane to give it to someone else. Impulsive, reckless, not Shane Hollander. 

“My baby’s soul is just out-“ Yuna cuts herself off with a choked noise and Shane goes to her. He should hug her but initiating physical contact isn’t his strong suit so he settles for a hand on her shoulder. 

“They take care of my soul and I take care of theirs, it’s fine.” Shane assures, but sometimes he worries. He worries that Ilya will find someone with a different soul, one that doesn’t hide behind a plain gold band. Would he just give it back? Hand it back to Shane like this never happened. 

Fine. Shane’s still not giving up Ilya’s soul, not now and not ever. 

“How did this, uh, happen?” His father asks, rubbing soft circles on Yuna’s back.

“We sorta traded.” Shane says, because what else is he supposed to say? Yeah my fuck buddy ilya Rozanov invited me over to his house and I went snooping and found a soul gem and like fucking gollum I stole it. It was just a misunderstanding but I couldn’t give it back so I gave him mine because at that moment I wanted his soul more than mine.

“Traded?” Yuna breaths. “How, how is that even possible?”

Shane shrugs “we don’t know.” He says honestly. 

David pulls out his phone and starts typing rapidly. “I’m sure there’s some reason behind this, right?” He says, a little frantic but still way more calm then Yuna and Shane. 

Shane knows what he’ll find, it’s the same thing he found when he googled it, it’s the same thing that makes him dread the Montreal/Boston game rapidly approaching.

***

Ilya is anxious on the flight over. He’s been on airplanes countless times but never to Montreal while he wore Shane’s soul ring. 

Ilya is once again grateful for his mothers gem as a cover. Though Shane’s gem is slowly creeping out of its cage of gold metal and becoming a more proper soul gem. One that visible and touchable. Ilya runs his hand over it. 

Just a few days ago it started vibrating like crazy and Ilya felt a sense of unease unlike anything he’s ever experienced before. It felt like Shane sounds during panic attacks. So Ilya pretended he was with Shane and thought of what he would do. The panic melted like butter and turned sweet and soft. Ilya got addicted to the feeling.

But the time to act was rapidly approaching, or rather he was rapidly approaching it as the plane soared to Montreal. 

They need to talk. Preferably without Shane doing something crazy with souls and then storming out. They need to figure out what this means because not knowing what it means is driving Ilya crazy.

He should also probably mention that Shane leaving was particularly harmful in Boston because Ilya is pretty sure he’s in love with him, but that’s less important. And the two things aren’t related.  

The captain announces their descent as cliff returns to his original seat beside Ilya after moving to talk to some of the other guys. 

“Anxious to see her again?”  

Ilya’s head snaps up. 

Cliff shakes his head as if Ilya is being particularly amusing. “Your Montreal girl?” Cliff adds with a smug smirk Ilya doesn’t like the looks of. 

“Ah, no.” Ilya says but even he can hear how unconvincing he sounds. 

Cliff claps him roughly on the shoulder. “It’ll all be okay, you’ve been texting her for years, I’m sure you crazy kids will work it out.” 

Ilya responds with a curt nod and a thin smile. I sure hope so. 

***

They made a plan before the game even started. So there’s no need to text in the locker room, this doesn’t stop Shane from checking his phone at least ten times while getting dressed. 

“You waiting for something?” Hayden asks after Shane impulsively checks for the fifteenth time. 

“No, uh. Just nervous.” 

Hayden doesn’t look convinced but doesn’t press further as he ties up his skates. 

His phone buzzes and Shane practically catapults over to it. He checks it quickly, seeing one message from Lily. 

Lily: I hope you like losing. 😘

Shane’s face broke out into an embarrassing smile. 

***

Ilya had been so caught up with the fact that he would finally get to talk to Shane about soul rings that he totally forgot he would see him during the game. 

Bending down over the face off circle Ilya realizes he really should have been preparing for this. Hollander meets his gaze over the ice, equal parts fond and bloodthirsty. 

Ilya loses the face off. 

Shane darts away with the puck and Ilya is close on his tail. Shane is so fucking smug he turns around and- 

Cliff Marlow crashes directly into him. 

Chapter 4: ...You Shine

Chapter Summary

The boys finally talk

Chapter Notes

I've really struggled to write these last two chapters, I had a clear idea for the first bit but honestly the last part got fuzzy for me. Plus writing pining is fun but writing confessions is scary.
That's all to say that this isn't my best work, but I wanted to give ya'll closure rather than waiting until "someday" when I felt better.

Ilya stares at Shane’s overturned body, slumped over in an unnatural position. He’s not moving. Why isn’t he moving? 

Move. Ilya wills. Move please. 

The scariest part is that the constant flow of cooling energy that radiates from his ring shuts off like a light switch. Ilya is worried he’s going to throw up. He pours all his love and affection into his soul ring and prays that Shane gets up. He has to get up. 

A ref pushes him back and barks orders at him but Ilya can’t hear anything. It’s like he’s underwater. He’s totally underwater and Shane is crumpled in a heap before him and there’s nothing he can do about it and oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god! 

Ilya rips off his left glove with his teeth to check Shane’s ring. The once deep vibrant blue has gone hazy and clear-ish. Just like his mother’s had looked. 

Ilya snaps his head up but it’s too late, the paramedics are already taking Shane away.

***

Shane wakes up alone to the steady beating of a heart rate monitor. It’s nice, like a white noise machine, something calm and predictable. 

He blindly reaches for the ring dangling between his pecs with his good hand. He presses down and finds it. 

Shane smiles sleepily and lets himself fall back asleep.

***

It’s not uncommon for the captain of an opposing team to visit an injured player of another team. It’s a sign of respect. It is uncommon for that same captain to keep checking a ring, which isn’t even his public soul gem, like a maniac. 

But they don’t understand, Ilya reasons, the soul gem is dark blue. It’s dark blue and glowing and bright, because Shane is okay. I mean by all logic of soul gems he should be okay. But by all logic of soul gems Ilya wouldn’t have Shane’s ring. 

They were supposed to talk after all this but now-now Ilya’s not so sure. 

What would happen if Ilya had the two souls of the people he loved the most on him, but they were both clear and lifeless? Ilya can’t lose Shane, so should he just give him up? View from afar. Nothing good happens to Ilya…to the people he loves. Maybe it’s best if he just gives up.

It’s nihilistic but walking down the hospital hallway it’s hard to feel anything but nihilism. He pushes open the door to Shane’s room to find him sitting in a ray of sunlight. 

His arm is done up in a sling and his hair is a mess but it’s the smile that his face breaks into that stops Ilya in his tracks. “Ilya!” Shane says, drawing out the name like a kid talking about disney. He looks so fucking happy. 

“You almost died,” Ilya says tacklessly. But fuck he saw Shane’s soul ring rapidly lose color. He knows because he stayed up all night staring at the tiny gem and feeling his world get a little brighter each time the gem increased its hue. 

“Hey,” Shane says in a high-person’s impersonation of help. Ilya just stares at him, willing the tears to recede from his eyes. “Heyyyy” Shane presses, reaching out his good hand. 

Ilya rushes to it, not wanting Shane to exert himself.

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Ilya says not sure if he’s comforting Shane or himself. 

“Mmm sorry I worried you.” Shane slurs staring at Ilya, but he’s still smiling like crazy. “We were supposed to talk about stuff.”

Ilya shakes his head frantically. “Don’t worry about that.” 

“Yeah, I mean we’ll probably still be soulmates tomorrow so I guess it can wait.” Shane says simply with a goofy grin. Like it’s obvious. Like it’s the logical conclusion to where this conversation, where this whole affair is going.

“What?” The syllable sounds stupid even to Ilya but it’s all he can conjure. 

Shane moves his head like a ragdoll that had just been pushed. “That’s what Rose says, mmm also reddit…and also maybe me.”  

Ilya blinks, he doesn’t know what reddit is, he’s not even sure he knows what the word me means since Shane used it in this context. Did he forget how to speak English? His heart leaps a mile a minute and he can physically feel tingles running through his body.

“You are very tired.” Ilya says slowly, as if they can defuse both him and Shane. “Maybe-”

“Do you think that?” Shane says, his big eyes fixing on Ilya. He’s so unguarded like this and while Ilya can appreciate the confidence he doesn’t know what to do with it. 

“Do I think what?” Ilya asks stupidly, his mouth dry as a bone.

“That the ring thing means we’re soulmates…” Shane sniffs once. “Or even without the ring thing, just in general. Cuz I was worried about it in general before the ring thing but then…” Shane trails off as if he had no intention of finishing the sentence.

Ilya can’t breathe. What the fuck? Did he just ask Ilya if he thought they were soulmates? Because if Ilya’s being honest his answer is: no. 

No, because you are not tied to me. I don’t believe in God but I do believe that fate would never be so cruel as to chain you to me. No, because you left and Rose happened. No, because if we were it would mean everything…it would also mean that I had to accept the fact that you love me and that’s too hard to imagine. 

Ilya swallows roughly. “Maybe.” 

“Mayybee.” Shane repeats stretching out the word as if tasting it. His brows furrow and he turns back to Ilya. “I don’t like that answer, try again.”

Ilya fights back a bewildered laugh. “What?”

“I don’t like that answer.” Shane says simply. “Do another one.” He speaks with so much authority that Ilya wants to bend down and kiss him. 

“Shane, blyat, fuck, I don’t know if we are soulmates. I don’t even know if you like me! I can’t answer that question. I don’t know what the rings mean, maybe it’s a glitch, a mistake, or maybe not. I’m not God, Hollander, I don’t know.” 

Shane stares at him for a long moment and Ilya wants to crawl back underneath his skin. Then he squeezes Ilya’s hand. “I like you.” 

“What?”
“You said you didn’t know if I liked you. I like you.” 

How the fuck is Ilya supposed to respond to that? Besides…besides knowing that Shane doesn’t. He can’t. And if he does it’s only because he doesn’t know Ilya. Most people like Ilya, but no one loves him. And if they do they disappear. So Shane can’t fall into the latter category. He just can’t. 

“You don’t like me.”

“I think I do, maybe a little too much.” Shane says, but he’s smiling like this isn’t earth shattering news but a fun game they’re playing. 

Ilya opens his mouth to speak but thankfully the door opens before he can put together words. 

“Uh oh,” the nurse smiles. “Mr. Rozanov, should I be worried about you smothering him with a pillow.” 

Ilya snaps his hand back, and Shane grunts with annoyance. Ilya ignores it and turns a tight smile to the nurse. “Uh, no but good thinking. I was just leaving-” 

“No you weren’t,” a petulant voice calls from the bed. Ilya whips around to find Shane glaring at Ilya with all the anger he can muster, but on so many pain killers he just looks like a child's impression of a threatening figure. 

Both Ilya and the nurse stare at him in abject shock. Shane’s attention is focused entirely on Ilya and Ilya feels a little bit like he’s staring into the sun. “We weren’t done talking.” He tells Ilya like he might have forgotten. 

“Ah, yes,” Ilya concedes because fighting with Hollander putting his foot down is never a smart idea. “But you need to rest, and we can continue later.” Ilya starts moving towards the door but his hand being grasped violently stops him.

Shane lets out a gasp of pain and quickly retracts his hand and rubs it over his collar bone. His heart rate monitor starts flashing and the nurse comes over quickly. 

“Mr. Rozanov, I think it’s best you leave.” The nurse says, glaring at him. Like this is Ilya’s fault. Maybe it is. 

Shane begins voicing his protests again. “No, just let him stay, I’ll be fine just let him stay. Let us talk. We never get to talk and we-” his words turn into nonsense and Ilya plays with the ring around his finger, infusing some calm into it. Shane’s body seems to slacken. 

“Khoroshego otdykha.” He whispers more to the ring than to Shane as he walks out of the room. 

He quickly collides with Shane’s father on the way out. Is it odd that Ilya can recognize Shane’s father despite never being properly introduced. Maybe. But it’s just another datapoint on Ilya’s long list of facts about Shane Hollander he collects. 

Mr. Hollander mutters some pleasantries about running into each other but Ilya’s mind is still reeling. Shane had said soulmate. Shane said that he liked Ilya. Fuck Ilya’s not sure if he can do this again. If he can be so warm and then return to the cold. 

Mr. Hollander’s eyes catch on Ilya’s ring. He quickly clutches it to his chest and rushes away. 

***

Shane remembers very little from his hospital stay, but he remembers the word maybe. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t even know what the word was in response to, he just knows that his life hinged on the word maybe. 

He was currently taking up residence at his parents house, where his mother insisted on doting on him every waking second and his father kept speaking to him cryptically and then waiting for Shane’s non-existent response.

He opens up his texts to Lily. Maybe. The word in his head is always wrapped in a Russian accent that makes it equal parts alluring and forbidding. 

Shane: Did you say something about Maybe to me when I was at my hospital stay. 

To his shock and amusement Ilya responded immediately. Maybe he was thinking about Maybe too.

Lily: It was not the best response. 

Lily: But I could not think of what else to say. 

Shane: Ha. I don’t even remember what it was in response to. 

Shane: What was it in response to.

The little dots appear again only to shrink away just as quickly. Shane waits for a few moments before the dots disappear again. He sighs. Maybe maybe isn’t for him to know. 

Shane: You should come to my cottage this summer. 

Shane: We never really got to talk and it would give us a lot of time. 

Shane: It’s super private, and my parents wouldn’t bother us. It would be like a real chance to talk. 

Shane: Because we really need to talk about the whole soul thing. 

Shane: I know your still in the season but whenever your free. 

Shane: Even if it’s just a weekend.

Shane: Okay, you should respond now so I stop feeling crazy. 

Lily: I don’t know.

Shane: We have to figure out the soulmate thing don’t we.

Shane hits send before he comprehends what he’s just done. He never mentioned the soulmate thing to Ilya before. Just the soul rings. Fuck, fuck. Holy shit, now Ilya’s going to know that Shane thinks they’re soul mates. What if he rejects Shane. What if Rose was wrong. 

Shane closes his eyes hard until stars start to form, and his phone buzzes. 

He’s too trained by now to avoid looking at the buzz. He’s Pavlov’s dog, unconsciously conditioned to hear the buzz and check his phone. 

Lily: Okay.

***

Ilya shuts the door to Shane’s jeep with a loud crack that makes the following silence that much more tense. 

This is it. A week with fucking Ilya Rozanov. He’s using his bereavement time for this. Holy shit. They’re both silent for a moment, before Shane remembers he needs to drive. Fuck, right. 

He expected Ilya to say something about his car or chirp him at least a little but Shane can feel how nervous he is. Literally, he feels Ilya’s nerves pulsing through the ring around his neck. If he’s being honest he would prefer if the ring was around his finger but he’s not that brave. Yet. 

“Are you hungry?” Shane asks and finds that his voice is rougher than he expected. He’s nervous, like yeah he’s nervous, this is happening. He said the word soulmate and now that hangs above them like the sword of Damocollies.

“No.” Ilya says his accent making the syllable sound harsh and dismissive at the same time. Shane swallows and nods dumbly. 

“Okay.” 

It’s not a long drive but it’s caked in silence, both of them too nervous to even comfort the other through the ring.

***

Ilya knew that Shane had a thing for real estate, but seeing the fruits of that particular fetish was incredible. The cottage was more of a mansion decked out with floor to ceiling windows that makes the surrounding forest look like a fairytale. Ilya is so distracted by the beauty he doesn’t notice that Shane is already hauling his bag out of the trunk. 

“You don’t have to-” Ilya huffs, trying to grab the bag but Shane is faster. He lifts it out of Ilya’s reach and starts walking towards the door. The odd air of the car has followed them outside, but Ilya’s got no word and Shane’s not saying anything so silence reigns. 

Shane maneuvers the bag inside where it’s just as picture-esuqe. “There’s the kitchen,” Shane says, gesturing lamely to what is obviously a kitchen. “Uh, I have some coke if you’re thirsty or water, the water here is really good and-”

“You said soulmates.” Ilya blurts out because why is he here if not to talk about that. “Twice.”

Shane turns bright pink and hastily turns away. “I only said it once.”

Ilya takes a step towards him. “No, twice. When you were ah- loopy you said it.” 

Shane shuts his eyes tight at that. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant to say, both times probably, it’s this weird theory Rose had.” 

Ilya takes another step forward until he’s properly crowding Shane. “Do you believe the theory?” 

Shane’s breath hitches. “Do you?” 

Ilya tilts his head side to side as if considering. “I think I asked you first.”

“No, I asked you in the hospital.”

Ilya’s brows shoot up. “You remember that?” 

“No, but you just admitted it so-”

Shane smiles a little shyly, like he’s proud of his wordplay but not confident enough to boast about it. Ilya fights with a fond smile on his own face, because Shane isn’t nearly confident enough for how amazing he is. 

Ilya thinks about the question. His answer is still maybe, because he doesn’t want Shane to be stuck with him, at the same time he wants nothing more. 

“I think it’s nice.” Ilya responds softly, so that Shane wouldn’t hear if he wasn’t practically pressed up against Ilya’s lips. “It’s a nice explanation, even if it’s not true it’s nice to think about.” 

Shane nods, they’re so close that Ilya can feel the motion against his jaw. He doesn’t mind it. “I like that explanation too.” 

Shane leans in and kisses Ilya slowly. Or maybe Ilya leaned in. He can’t find it in himself to care, just that they are connected. He’s never kissed Shane while wearing the other man’s ring and the sensation is electric. Like a current run between their bodies, in which desire feeds desire then feeds desire which feeds desire. An endless loop that Ilya doesn’t mind being stuck in.

“Fuck, I love you.” Ilya says when they are separated. Or maybe Shane’s ring made him say it. Or maybe Shane’s ring has nothing to do with this and isn’t that scary. 

“Holy shit,” Shane says, and Ilya opens his mouth to take it all back. “I love you too.” 

They crash back together. 

Ilya doesn’t know if they are soulmates, but holds the theory as close as he holds Shane. Do they love each other because they’re soulmates or are they soulmates because they love each other. At the end of the day, does it matter?

Chapter End Notes

The end! Sorry it's a little short and they just hop into I love yous but I'm really tired and wanted to be done with this a little bit.
I realized it's not writing and it was specifically this idea when I wrote 5,000 words yesterday for another fic so....maybe it was time to see her through.
I hope it wasn't too disappointing and I hope you enjoyed it!