Chapter 1
centaurs 🐎 🏒 💪 😤 Bood: hey @Luca Haas Bood: it’s so cute you thought you could just text me direct about this Bood: want to share your question with the class 👀 Luca: ☹ LaPointe: weird choice to ask for sex tips @Luca Haas but go off ig Bood: “weird choice”????? LaPointe: straight???? Bood: you know what fair Bood: but let’s focus on the real issue here Bood: go on @Luca Haas, ask them what you asked me Bood: assistant captain’s orders Ilya: assistant captains cannot give orders Ilya: more like suggestions Ilya: requests Shane: @Ilya Rozanov I assistant captain order you to hang your laundry out, it’s starting to smell bad. Holmberg: lmao Ilya: @Shane Hollander fine i will do this but because it is sexy husband order NOT because it is assistant captain order Ilya: now @Luca Haas Ilya: tell us what you tried to tell bood in secret Ilya: real captain’s orders 😉 Luca: FINE Luca: @Zane Boodram is it ok if I bring my boyfriend to your BBQ next week? Luca: He’s visiting from Boston LaPointe: hold the fuck up Holmberg: BOYFRIEND Bood: 👀 Ilya: luca you have a secret boyfriend??? Ilya: @Shane Hollander and i raised you so well Bood: somebody call hayden pike there’s still time to get a fanmail of you and him at the BBQ making out @Luca Haas Shane: @Zane Boodram too soon, dude. Bood: 🤐 Ilya: shut up about fucking pike i want answers Ilya: @Luca Haas what is his name Ilya: what are his prospects Ilya: what are his intentions Ilya: can he fight LaPointe: “can he fight” lol roz are you trying to steal haas from him or what Ilya: what Ilya: no Ilya: have you seen @Shane Hollander Ilya: why would i do that Ilya: i mean i will fight him if he hurts you @Luca Haas Luca: Thanks? Young: @Luca Haas answer the questions we’re nosy Luca: You can ask him yourself Luca: On Thursday Young: booooo Bood: i got you at least for question 1 @Ilya Rozanov Bood: haasy dropped the name when he first texted me to ask Bood: secret boston boy’s name is cliff LaPointe: omg lol can you imagine LaPointe: luca brings his mystery man along next week for the hard launch LaPointe: and it’s cliff fucking marleau LaPointe: now that would really be a hollander/rozanov manoeuvre lmao
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Ilya: marly Cliff: brooooooo Cliff: what’s up roz Cliff: miss u stud 🥵🥵 it’s been too long! Ilya: marly Ilya: i’m only going to ask this once Ilya: are you having sex with my rookie? Cliff: you mean luca? Cliff: hell yeah brother!!! Cliff: luca wanted to wait to tell you in person Cliff: i think he’s kind of scared of you 🤣 Cliff: i was like relax kid rozy’s my boyyy Cliff: he’ll get it!!! Cliff: in fact bro it’s really all thanks to you honestly Cliff: and not just because we met at your wedding Cliff: but i mean i feel like real talk over the years u really opened my eyes Cliff: like i never would have even thought of it u know Cliff: but being gay is kind of sick Cliff: like a dude just really knows his way around another dude Cliff: knows how to work with it all if u get me Cliff: lol of course u get me i know what u and hollzy are like 🤣🤣🤣 Cliff: but also it’s like Cliff: when i was hooking up with chicks it was always a bit like damn what’s she really thinking Cliff: whereas with luca it’s like Cliff: i know what you’re thinking bc ur my boyyyy 😍 Cliff: just like ur my boy Cliff: my king 👑👑👑 Cliff: seriously man i can’t wait to see u in ottawa next week Cliff: we should hit the clubbbbbb Cliff: tho honestly i don't really do that so much since luca locked me down 🔑🔒 Cliff: but u know what i mean it’s like an expression bro Cliff: like we can hit the club in our hearts Cliff: but just chill at your place Cliff: whatever ur feeling dude Cliff: chill is probably better for me anyway Cliff: need to save some of that energy for luca if u know what i’m saying 🤣🍆💦 Ilya: marly Ilya: i’m going to fucking kill you
Chapter 2
Chapter Notes
in response to a comment on the first chapter i said i had no plans to continue this fic bc i wrote it in one dazed sitting over breakfast as the spirit of himbo marly possessed me well, i guess i was visited again in the middle of the night more crack. truly so cracky. please do not take this seriously all all centaurs 🐎🏒💪😤 Troy: Thanks for hosting yesterday @Zane Boodram! Troy: And thanks to Cassie also LaPointe: barrett really said if there’s one thing i’m going to do it’s shout out the women 🫡 Bood: lol thanks @Troy Barrett Bood: and thank you to all the nice, well behaved guests who came out Bood: (the not well behaved guests you know who you are) Holmberg: lmao Holmberg: @Shane Hollander how’s cap’s nose Holmberg: broken? Shane: Nope just bruised. LaPointe: and on a scale of one to ten just how in the doghouse have you got him @Shane Hollander Shane: No comment. LaPointe: damnnnnnnn @Ilya Rozanov you are COOKED bro LaPointe: @Luca Haas how does it feel to be responsible for the breakup of your parents marriage Holmberg: and the almost-breakup of our captain’s nose cartilage lol Luca: maybe our captain shouldn’t start fights if he can’t finish them Young: oh!!!! Dykstra: well shit LaPointe: 💀💀💀 Bood: haasy 😂 LaPointe: not baby luca also taking a metaphorical swing WHAT IS HAPPENING Holmberg: @Shane Hollander i think that’s luca-speak for my man kicked your man’s ASS LaPointe: i bet haasy was bricked up watching them go at it tbf Troy: Dude that feels homophobic LaPointe: how????? Troy: I don’t know it just feels like it crosses a line to imply gay men are turned on by watching other men fight LaPointe: well tell that to harris and the 100000 of your fight compilations he put on the team insta last season Bood: lol @Troy Barrett he’s got you there Wyatt: @Luca Haas it was nice to meet Cliff! Luca: Thank you @Wyatt Hayes Bood: @Wyatt Hayes you’ve met marly Bood: several times Bood: on the ice Bood: you know, the one blasting pucks at your face every time we’re in td garden Wyatt: Sure, but it was nice to meet him as Luca’s partner, it’s not the same thing Troy: ^ Seconded Holmberg: yeah really nice Young: so nice LaPointe: @Ilya Rozanov are you hearing this? we said IT WAS REALLY NICE Ilya: first of all Ilya: marly fucking started it Ilya: second of all Ilya: @Luca Haas you are disowned Ilya: have fun being an orphan Ilya: and i can tell you Ilya: first-hand Ilya: no fun at all Ilya: and another fucking thing Bood: … Bood: the anticipation is killing me Young: i do kind of want to know the next thing lol LaPointe: yeah let my man cook LaPointe: the crashout was just getting going Bood: @Ilya Rozanov you good? Holmberg: do you think the stress of seeing marly cradle-snatching haasy finally killed him LaPointe: or do you think @Shane Hollander confiscated his phone lol Shane: No comment.
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Cliff: yo hollzy Cliff: you’ve gotta help me out here 🙏🙏🙏 Shane: Hi, Cliff. Cliff: i know roz is pissed at me Cliff: and doesn’t want to talk Cliff: but i just need him to hear me out Shane: I feel like this is between you and Ilya, I don’t want get caught in the middle. Shane: I also feel like if you wanted him to listen to you, that maybe would have been easier before you hit him. Cliff: yeah i feel bad about that Cliff: i shouldn’t have done that Cliff: not to my boy Cliff: not cool Cliff: even if he swung first i should have just taken a few hits 😔 Cliff: but pls hollander help a bro out Cliff: i feel like roz has got the wrong idea man Cliff: at the bbq he kept asking me if i ever saw that show to catch a predator Cliff: but like luca came on to ME Shane: He did? Cliff: seriously bro Cliff: at ur wedding we were talking Cliff: he’s a funny kid! Cliff: and he was all like oh where are you staying tonight have you got a hotel Cliff: and i was like yeah but it’s pretty budget like not even cooked breakfast just those mini pastries and shit Cliff: and he was like my place is just round the corner 👀 Cliff: and i was like that’s cool seems like a nice neighbourhood Cliff: and then there was this long pause it was hella awkward 🤣 Cliff: i thought i’d offended him man like maybe the neighbourhood wasn’t that nice and he was looking to move or something Cliff: but then he was like Cliff: i’m trying to have sex with you Cliff: and i was like oh fr?? 😮 Cliff: i thought maybe it would just be a one time thing Cliff: but then he rocked my world lowkey 🥵 Cliff: i mean i feel like u already get it hollzy Cliff: but i had no idea sucking dick was so good Cliff: like i’d done it before Cliff: but not in a gay way Cliff: and the gay way is even better 🍆💦🌈 Shane: Sorry, but how do you suck dick not in a gay way? Cliff: u know like threesomes and stuff Cliff: it’s not gay if a girl’s there Cliff: and also roz and i are bros man so it didn’t feel gay it felt like that was my ride or die u know Shane: Let me just be really clear about this. Shane: You’re saying you and Ilya had threesomes where you sucked each other’s dicks? Cliff: yeah man not like sucked sucked Cliff: like just the tip 🤪 Cliff: i tell u dude even now it can be hard to take much more Cliff: don’t know how luca makes it look so easy 🥵🍆 Cliff: but yeah me and roz did that a few times for sure! Shane: Right. I see.
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Ilya: MARLEAU YOU MOTHERFUCKER Cliff: 😭😭😭 noooooooo roz my brother how was i supposed to know u never told him???
Chapter 3
Chapter Notes
himbo marly used me as his vessel again i do genuinely think this is the final final chapter, it feels like the right place to finish enjoy, leave a comment, leave some kudos, i’m just so thrilled that even though this is the silliest thing i’ve ever written others are as endeared as i am by the crack version of marly we’ve collectively ensouled Shane Hollander created the group Shane Hollander added Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marleau and Luca Haas Shane: You’ve all been messaging me a lot since last week and I thought it was better to just make a group where we talk things out once and for all. Cliff: sick nice one hollzy Ilya Rozanov named the group Cliff Marleau Apology Tour Cliff: ok @Ilya Rozanov i got u bro 🫡 🫡 🫡 Cliff: @Shane Hollander sorry i told you about the secret threesomes Cliff: i didn’t know they were secret 😬 Cliff: and sorry for sucking ur boy’s dick Cliff: it won’t happen again Cliff: @Ilya Rozanov sorry i punched u king Cliff: bros don’t punch their bros Cliff: basic bears code 🐻 Cliff: ik u got one in first Cliff: but maybe centaurs live by different rules Cliff: ok what else let me think 🤔 Luca: Baby, please stop Luca: You have nothing to apologise for Ilya: BABY Ilya: who the fuck are you calling BABY Ilya: surely not this 40 year old man Cliff: i’m 34 dude u came to my birthday in march Ilya: @Luca Haas you are the baby Luca Haas renamed the group Ilya Rozanov Apology Tour Ilya: no fucking way Ilya Rozanov left the group Shane Hollander added Ilya Rozanov to the group Shane: Ilya. Ilya: shane Luca: @Ilya Rozanov you really do owe us an apology Ilya: @Luca Haas i thought you were scared of me Luca: I was scared you would react badly to hearing about me and Cliff and I was right! Luca: Sorry but we are both consenting adults and we haven’t done anything wrong Luca: Especially Cliff Ilya: nice try kid but i fucking know marly ok Ilya: i know what he’s like Shane: Oh we’re all aware of how intimately you know him. Ilya: shane please Ilya: not now Shane: Right, I’ll save being annoyed at that for another time shall I? Shane Hollander left the group Ilya: ffs Ilya Rozanov added Shane Hollander to the group Ilya: shane Ilya: sweetheart Ilya: light of my life Ilya: marly already told you it wasn’t like that Ilya: what do you need me to do Ilya: i can come upstairs right now and suck your dick in an actually gay way to make you see the difference Luca: See this is what I mean Luca: It’s a double standard! Luca: You are both very open about your relationship but if Cliff mentions one sex position we’ve tried in front of you, you hit him @Ilya Rozanov Luca: It has to stop Cliff: also roz luca explained it a bit and i think i get it now Cliff: like probably u can’t suck dick in not a gay way Cliff: or i guess u could Cliff: if u were just trying it or something Cliff: decided it wasn’t for u Cliff: but yeah we were probably doing it in a gay way brother Ilya: jesus fucking christ Ilya: [link] Ilya: [link] Ilya: [link] Ilya: [link] Ilya: [link] Shane: Ilya what the fuck is this? Ilya: just links to some of the many MANY porn clips marly has sent me over the years Ilya: and you’ll notice how no one in the videos looks anything like @Luca Haas Ilya: so sorry for being surprised to find out marly’s type all along has been baby rookies who are twelve years old Luca: @Shane Hollander can you actually control your man please Shane: Watch it, Haas. Ilya: yes fucking watch it, haas Shane: But also Ilya you need to calm down. Ilya: betrayed Ilya: by my own husband Shane: And you need to apologise. Shane: Before I start sharing links to the many, MANY women you were seen with before we got together properly, none of whom look remotely like me. Shane: Cliff and Luca can make their own decisions about this stuff. Same as you. Ilya Rozanov left the group Shane Hollander added Ilya Rozanov to the group Shane: Now who’s being a baby @Ilya Rozanov. Ilya: do i actually need to say it Shane: Yes. Luca: Yes Cliff: honestly u do u king Cliff: whatever u want 👊 Luca: @Cliff Marleau we talked about this Cliff: oh shit yeah Cliff: sorry roz Cliff: yes Luca: … Luca: Any time now @Ilya Rozanov Ilya: just give me a minute fuck Ilya: ok Ilya: @Luca Haas sorry for calling you a baby Ilya: i know you are not actually a baby Ilya: and can make your own choices Ilya: even if those choices are bad ones Ilya: @Cliff Marleau sorry for punching you Ilya: if you do anything to hurt him it will happen again Ilya: @Shane Hollander sorry i did not tell you about the threesomes with marly Ilya: or with st simon Ilya: or that one time with carter vaughn Ilya: we will just have to have our own threesome to make up for it Shane: Nice try. Cliff: tbf luca and i could do a threesome if u want roz Cliff: he’s a little bit into u for sure Cliff: and i’d be down to try sucking your dick in a gay way fr this time Cliff: like as gay bros Cliff: bisexual bros 🩷 💜 💙 Cliff: oh ig it wouldn’t be a threesome if u were there too @Shane Hollander Cliff: and ur a good looking guy so i say let’s get u involved 😉 Luca: Baby Luca: PLEASE stop talking Cliff: oh Cliff: u got something else in mind for my mouth instead 😈 Ilya Rozanov left the group
End Notes
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