the friendships we made (and ruined) along the way

Jackie Pike

Today 2:26 PM
Shane.
We have to do something about our husbands.
Last night was ridiculous.
I’m so sorry about your vase.
If I’d known they would end up arm wrestling when I mentioned Ilya carried both the twins inside at the same time to keep them out of puddles, I never would have brought it up.
Don’t worry. Ilya already had a replacement sent over this morning, which I’ve been hearing non-stop bitching about since it arrived.
But this isn’t about the vase so much as our sanity.
At least they’re not physically pushing each other anymore, I guess?
That’s some progress.
But I’m open to any suggestions.
We need something that forces them to work together.
Something they both care about.
You mean besides seeing which one of them can piss the other one off more?
Not sure what will ever trump that.
You know. You have a birthday coming up.
Uh. Yeah.?
Not sure what that has to do with anything, though.
A big birthday.
30.
Thanks for reminding me about how old I’m getting.
A big birthday that would lend itself to having a party.
I mean, maybe? But I don’t really like parties.
And I thought we were talking about Ilya and Hayden getting along?
A big birthday, that would lend itself to having a party, maybe thrown by a husband or a best friend. Or even both.
What?
Jackie. No.
You can’t be serious.
Do you have any better ideas?!
I don’t know, but maybe not sacrificing my birthday?
It’s perfect! It gives them a common goal. They both care about you. They’ll want to make it good for you.
Besides, I know you, Shane Hollander. I know you don’t have any plans!
Yeah, and I’d like to keep it that way!
Let me reckon with my growing age and inevitably failing body in peace.
Just think of it like this:
Let Hayden and Ilya plan your birthday, and then it’s just a few hours on one day in one year that you might have to spend being a little uncomfortable being the center of attention.
…but it could bring us a lifetime of peace.
You really think that’s even remotely possible?
Well. They either work together and find common ground, or they kill each other.
Either way, our problem is solved.
That’s actually kind of genius.
I know it is. It’s me 😉
Fine. I’ll sacrifice myself for a small chance at happiness.
This is why you’re the best.
Was there ever a doubt about that?
Okay, Ilya.
That did sound like him, didn’t it?
Fuck. Sorry. Living with him full time is obviously messing with my head.
I’ll be better.
I found myself mindlessly using Hayden’s two in one shampoo/conditioner the other day.
It happens to the best of us.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go gaslight my husband into thinking he’s going to come up with a great idea for your party.
Isn’t that kind of wrong?
Sometimes we have to sacrifice the ones we love for the greater good.
The greater good here being our sanity?
Obviously.
Best of luck ❤️
Who needs luck when you have skill?
👑

Jackie's Worst Half

Today 5:12 PM
Hey.
New phone. Who dis?
I can’t stand you.
Aww. That’s a bummer, Hayden.
Because I LOVE you.
I’m only texting you because I want something.
Oh.
I knew this day would come.
I would be so honored to coach you in hockey.
Fuck off.
I want to throw Shane a birthday party.
My wife says I have to involve you.
Oh, wow.
Hayden Pike inviting me to be a part of a party planned for my husband.
This must be what it feels like to win the lottery.
God. You know what?
Fuck this. Forget it.
I just wanted to do something nice for Shane, but if I have to involve you, I’m out.
Jesus, Pike. Calm down.
I will help you.
I think it could be nice to do this with you for Shane.
Wait, really?
Well, I mean. As nice as anything could be when you are involved.
Still objectively terrible. But sacrifices for the love of my husband and all that.
Why Shane married you, I will never understand.
If I can ever convince him to release a sex tape one day, it will make all the sense in the world.
I hope I’m dead before that happens.
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
So, what do we do? Where do we start?
I don’t know. Most of the parties I have thrown consisted of booze, weed, and a portable speaker.
Not exactly Shane turns thirty kind of vibes.
Should we ask Jackie?
Yes, that would make sense.
She is much smarter than you.
And you.
Yes, other than the whole marrying you thing.
🖕

Shane's Husband

Today 6:00 PM
Are all of your children alive, or do Shane and I need to start planning your funeral instead of his birthday party?
They’re fine. I’m not a complete idiot.
I am going to do you a favor and leave that low hanging fruit alone this one time.
🙄
So, what are your thoughts?
How do we do this?
Well, we could hire someone.
I think that is a job normal people have.
I would not know since I am a hockey super star.
But I’m sure you have heard of such things.
Hey, I have more Stanley Cups than you do.
Thanks to my husband, yes.
Maybe. Whatever.
But no. I want to do this ourselves.
No party planners.
Alright.
Should we keep it a surprise?
Shane likes surprises about as much as I like you.
Which is to say not at all.
You didn’t need to clarify that.
I’ll talk to him.
Let him know it’s happening, but we’ll keep the details to a minimum.
Sounds good.
I guess we can start googling and talk again in a couple of days?
I suppose two days is enough time to come to terms with the fact that I have to work with you.
You’re an asshole.
So I have been told ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Jackie Pike

Today 10:32 PM
Do you know why Ilya is walking around muttering about a get along shirt?
Oh, yeah, I just had to briefly threaten them today after they fought about chairs.
They seriously fought about chairs?
Are you really surprised?
No.
But are you sure we want to do this? It’s really not too late to just cancel the whole thing.
From what Hayden was telling me, they actually got a lot of work done before the party chair disagreement.
And it’s fine!
They were easily cowed into behaving again, and they even said one nice thing about each other without complaining!
Was that before or after you threatened them with the get along shirt?
The timeline is a little fuzzy.
Jackie…
Just give them a bit more time!
I really do think this can work.
Really?
Yes.
Assuming Hayden just goes along with whatever Ilya says.
UGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’ll be fine.
I have them under control.
And I successfully convinced Hayden that sending out a mass text didn’t count as an invitation.
There were a lot of wins today.
Alright. I trust you.
Don’t worry. I won’t let you down.
It’s not you I’m worried about.
Thoughts and prayers, my friend ❤️
For you or for me?
Better do both just to be safe.
We are trying to work miracles over here.

Ilya ❤️

Today 2:41 PM
Just reminding you I will be late for dinner tonight.
Hayden and I have a bunch of meetings for your party.
What kind of meetings?
You will find out soon enough.
You did cancel the elephants, right?
Yes, but we booked fire breathers instead, because I know how you feel about smoke.
Not even remotely the same.
I love you.
Love you, too.
Be safe driving.
Don’t worry. I won’t get behind any trucks with logs on it.
I know you’re joking, but I really need you to be serious about that.
That movie fucked me up.
Don’t kill Hayden, please.
I make no promises.

Shane's Husband

Today 8:58 PM
Hey.
I just wanted to thank you again for today.
I appreciate you standing up for me.
You don’t need to thank me.
I couldn’t believe that guy called you that.
My French is shit, but I at least know enough to tell bigots to fuck off.
You do not have to tell me your French is shit.
How would you know?
What language do you think I make Shane speak in bed?
Definitely not English.
Bleh.
I could have lived a hundred lifetimes and happily not known that.
😇
Fuck. Now everytime I see an interview of him where he speaks French, that’s all I’m going to think about.
It’s not my fault you have perverted tendencies.
😇😇😇
🖕
But seriously, I’m sorry you still experience that stuff.
Obviously won’t be recommending that restaurant to anyone again.
I guess there’s a lot of people around here that still blame you for ruining Shane.
Which is stupid. And wrong.
Not really.
I ruin Shane most days of the week 😈
You know, not everything needs to be an outside thought, right?
I don’t know what you mean. All of my thoughts are need to be shared. The world demands to know what I think.
They really don’t.
Live in your delusions for all I care.
We are doing the tasting menu on Tuesday, yes?
Yep. Just meet me at the house and we can ride together.
It’s a date 😉
God, don’t even joke about that.

Jackie Pike

Today 10:21 PM
Ilya told me what Hayden did for him today.
He seems really genuinely touched that Hayden stood up for him.
❤️
My husband is way more hurt about how the team treated you than he’ll ever let on.
He doesn’t bring it up because he doesn’t want you to have to talk about it, but he promised he was going to call anything homophobic out from now on, so I’m glad to see he really meant it.
You married a good one.
I did!
And I hate that this happened but maybe it was just the thing they needed to see each other differently.
Here’s hoping.
They have the cake, florals, tables, chairs, invitations, linens, place settings, and a photographer all picked out.
And they’re decided on food next week! I’m seriously impressed. They definitely needed my hints, but it would have been a passable party even without it.
Wait. A photographer?
Ilya insisted. Something about you all going so many years without pictures together and that he refuses to let that keep happening.
Fuck.
You married a good one 😉❤️
I really did.
Now let’s just hope they can keep the bromance going.
Hey, we’ve come this far! Surely nothing could derail it now.

Lovers + Hayden

Today 7:16 PM
Uh, guys. Anything you want to tell us about?
Jackie
Yeah, it’d be nice to have a little bit of warning next time you decide to blow up our marriages on a random Tuesday.
Hayden
It’s not true! I swear!
Shane, I would never!!
Ilya was just joking around because the host of the restaurant didn’t know who we were and thought we were a couple!
Nothing happened!!!!!
Ilya
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Hayden
Shut the fuck up, Rozanov! Tell them it’s not true!
Relax, Hayd. We know.
And I love how I’m the one you’re trying to convince and not your wife.
Jackie
It’s fine, I’m still stuck on the amount of exclamation points he just used.
Hayden
I’m so insulted someone would insinuate I would cheat on my wife.
With Ilya Fucking Rozanov.
Ilya
You’re insulted? For being linked to me? The best player in the history of the NHL?
Jackie
Shots fired.
I love that for once I don’t have to panic about something.
This is one of the best days of my life.
Ilya
Husband.
You take pleasure from this?!
Like you wouldn’t do the same if our roles were reversed.
Ilya
I would never revel in your embarrassment.
Revel? Maybe not. Gain extreme amusement from? Always.
And don’t even pretend like you’re not secretly enjoying this a little bit.
Ilya
My boyfriend Hayden won’t stand for this slander against me.
Thank you for so expertly proving my point.
Ilya
Hayden, are you going to let him talk to me this way?
Does our love mean nothing to you?
Hayden
I would really like to know what the fuck we’re going to do about this!
Jackie
Honey, breathe. We don’t need to do anything.
Hayden
What do you mean we don’t need to do anything?!
They’re saying I’m cheating on you with ILYA FUCKING ROZANOV!
Jackie
Shane’s party is in 3 days. This will all blow over once that happens, and Ilya inevitably makes a social media post about the party that goes viral because everything he does on the internet seems to do that.
Ilya
❤️
Jackie
There’s no point in addressing anything until then.
Most people won’t think it’s true to begin with.
Hayden
You really think so?
Jackie
Yes!
It’ll be fine, Hayd.
No damage done.
No one with half a brain thinks you’re actually fucking Ilya.
Hayden
Jesus. What is with the two of you giving me images I never needed in my head?
But fine.
I won’t say anything else.
Ilya
It will all be fine, lover!
Hayden
You chose to marry such a helpful person, Shane.
I didn’t marry him because he was helpful.
Ilya
😈

Jackie Pike

Today 9:47 PM
Is Hayden okay?
Oh, gosh yeah. He’s fine!
He’s pouring over details for your party to distract himself.
Making sure they have RSVPs for everyone.
Is Ilya okay? He jokes but I know he cares about a lot of things.
He’s currently asleep on my chest, so he’s clearly suffering.
Or well.
He’s sleeping until I stop petting his hair and then he wakes up and glares at me until I start again.
Sounds like a cat.
A very large, very dramatic cat, yes.
I’m sorry this got to Hayden so much.
I hate when he’s upset, and it’s my fault.
Hey, a miracle really did happen!
They went from enemies to lovers in record time.
Seems like your thoughts and prayers worked a little too well 😂
I’m just too powerful.
It’s not like either of them actually did anything wrong.
Plus, look at how well our plan is working!
Hayden only freaked out for half a day and Ilya is loving it.
To be fair I think Ilya would have loved it regardless.
True, but look at what they’ve accomplished!
They’ve managed to plan a whole ass party with minimal meddling and manipulation, and only one giant unnecessary fight.
Honestly, this has far exceeded my expectations.
Mine too. Gay cheating rumors aside.
I mean, it was about time Hayden had a sex scandal. Now he can feel like a real professional athlete.
Even if his sex scandal is completely imagined?
Well, we can’t all be Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov 😉
Thank fuck for that.

Jackie's Worst Half

Today 9:15 PM
Rozanov.
What the fuck?
What the actual fuck.
Oof.
This is not good for you.
Or our budding romance.
Can you be so fucking serious for once?
I’m not homophobic!
I tried to set Shane up on dates with guys all the time before I knew about you.
What guys are these?
And then one of the first things I told him was that I needed to meet you properly.
It’s probably good I don’t know the exact first thing you said.
I would have been the best man at your wedding if you’d managed to have even a semblance of a normal wedding.
It was a very us wedding.
It was. It was beautiful. I was really glad to be a part of it.
That’s…sweet.
And that picture wasn’t me giving you the side eye! Amber had been eyeing the cake all night and I was worried she was going to get to it before you, I was just trying to keep an eye on her.
I know. You are a good dad.
I’m not homophobic, Ilya. I mean, I haven’t always been the best in the past about calling things out, but I promised I’d be better after what happened with you and Shane, and I HAVE. I swear.
Hayden, you do not have to convince me you’re not homophobic.
Oh. Ok. You’re sure?
I know I make a lot of rude comments about you.
Yes, but that’s about me. Not because I am married to a man.
Exactly.
Fuck, how am I going to fix this?
All I wanted to do was throw a party for my best friend.
And we will.
The rest you’ll leave to me.
I will fix it.
Why do I feel calm about this all of a sudden?
Why do I weirdly trust you?
Because we’re friends.
And I will fix it.
Right. You’re my
Fuck.
Come on, Hayden. You can do it.
I believe in you.
Just type the word.
Friend.
Wow. That was an incredible act of bravery.
It’s weird ok? Give me a chance to get used to it.
Of course. It’s the least I can do for my homophobic lover Hayden Pike.
I really hope this isn’t a glimpse into you ‘fixing’ my problems.
🤡
Just be here at one tomorrow so we can start getting things set up, okay?
And bring some of that vodka you like, if you know what’s good for you.
Anything for you ❤️😍😘❤️❤️❤️😘😍😘😘

Lovers + Hayden

Today 9:03 PM
Thank you both again for the party. I couldn’t have asked for anything better.
Hayden
I’m glad you enjoyed it, bud.
Ilya
Anything for you
Thank you for letting us use your house, Jackie ❤️
Jackie
Of course!
Hayden
Hey, it’s my house, too.
Ilya
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Hayden
😑
Ilya
That really does look very much like your face.
Hayd, have you had any more issues online?
Hayden
Nope. Not a one.
Ilya said he’d take care of it, and he meant it.
I owe you.
Ilya
Oh, no. It’s what friends do.
Hayden
No, seriously. I really owe you one.
You’re actually a really good friend.
Ilya
You don’t owe me. Consider us even.
Hayden
Even for what?
Ilya
Oh. Nothing really. Just something that happened a long time ago.
Before you even knew about me.
Hayden
What? That makes no sense.
What could you have done to me before I knew about you and Shane that you’d owe me for?
Ilya Rozanov.
Ilya
I gave Shane a blowjob when you were on the phone together one time.
So there. Now we are even.
Hayden
You did WHAT the fuck now?
Jackie
Oh my god 😂😂
ILYA.
Oh my god. Hayden, I’m so sorry.
It was forever ago. We’d just gotten together, and we were super horny.
Hayden
WERE?
And I swear I muted you when I came!
Hayden
That doesn’t make it better!!!
Jackie
Oh my GOD 😂😂😂😂
Thanks so much, Ilya.
Ilya
I didn’t want him to think he owed me!
You couldn’t have said you were even because of the outing?!
Ilya
OH.
Right, that would have been good.
I forgot about that.
You forgot?! You mention it like every other day.
Ilya
Hayden and I are friends now!
Friends forget things.
Hayden
NOPE. Not anymore.
Friendship cancelled.
I’m never calling either of you EVER again.
Ilya
That’s going to be awkward when you need us to babysit your kids so you can get a moment alone with your wife.
Hayden
Jackie can contact you.
Ilya
Oh, sure. Making your wife do all the work. Classic.
Hayden
Fuck this. I don’t have to put up with you.
Hayden Pike left the conversation
Ilya
I can’t believe he made a dramatic exit before I did.
Jackie, will you tell him I said congrats on managing to beat me in something during his lifetime?
Jackie
Will do ❤️
Ilya Rozanov left the conversation
Jackie
Well.
It was nice while it lasted.
We flew too close to the sun.
Jackie
We really almost had it all.
At least we have the memories.
Maybe the real gift was the friendships we made and ruined along the way.
We’ll see you all next week for dinner?
Jackie
Absolutely ❤️
Just maybe have another vase on standby.
Already have three extra added to my cart.
They’ll be here tomorrow.
Jackie
Perfect.

End Notes

They were so close.

Thank you so much for reading as always, your comments help heal my imposter syndrome, and kudos are love. Feel free to come find me over on tumblr or twitter though I mostly just lurk there, I'd love if you come give me a follow. I'm also on Threads, and you can find me here.

Until next time!