Rating:

Not Rated

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Shane Hollander, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau/Original Male Character(s), Shane - Relationship

Additional Tags:

Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Mpreg | Male Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Grief/Mourning, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, Montreal Voyageurs | Montreal Metros Being Assholes (Game Changers), Shane Hollander Needs a Hug, Hurt Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov is Bad at Feelings, Ilya Rozanov is Bad at Communicating, Ilya Rozanov is a Little Bit of an Asshole, No Beta, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Player Shane Hollander, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Minor Original Character(s), Eventual Smut, Eventual Happy Ending

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-06-29 Completed: 2026-08-12 Words: 69,369 Chapters: 30/30

Fire on Fire

Summary

In Vegas, after the MLH awards, Shane asks to go bare and Ilya goes along with it. Afterwards, Shane, who had realized how he felt about Ilya during those 6 months of radio silence, tries to tell Ilya. Ilya, scared and caught off guard, breaks Shane's heart and tells him to leave.

A month later, Shane finds out he's pregnant. He decides to keep it. He tells the Voyageurs. It goes how you'd expect. They drop him. But he has his baby. While he focuses on keeping his body healthy for the baby, Yuna focuses on finding a team that will take him and give him what he wants for the end of the pregnancy. Only one team will - The Boston Bears.

Things are looking up for Shane. Until he loses everything...again. His world falls apart in the span of a few hours. Again. His mind can't take it and he breaks.

A little over a year after Ilya broke Shane's heart, Shane starts a new season as a newly minted Boston Bear. Will he be able to play with the man that broke his heart and act like nothing happened? Will Ilya?

Notes

Hi!!

I know! This is the not fic that I have been working on for literal years. My hyperfixation changed.

I watched Heated Rivalry right at the end of when it came out and it took me the throat and has not let go of me since. I have had this idea in my head for a couple months and finally decided to write it.

Will I finish it? Maybe. Guess we'll see. I'm just as surprised as you guys at what comes out of my brain.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

There is a suicide attempt in this and talk about suicide, depression. I will let you all know that I do not have any experience in this, I am just going off of what I have seen in movies and what I've read. So if I am writing anything wrong, please let me know so I can correct it. Also, there is descriptions of miscarriage in this. Again, I have no experience about this. Thank God!

There will be some Russian in this and I am using Google Translate so if I have and Russian readers, please let me know if its wrong.

I don't know how consistent updates will be. I am going to try and update as often as I can.

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is always welcome.

ENJOY!!

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Chapter 1

“Penthouse 1”

Shane looked at the text one more time even though he had memorized the room number the first time Rozanov had sent him the text. In reality, he just did it to give his hands something to do as he rode the elevator. His eyes flicked up as the doors opened to the top floor of the hotel. 

Why am I so nervous? Shane thought as he stepped off the elevator and made his way down the hallway to Rozanov’s room. Was it because it had been so long since they’d met? Or because he’d finally come to terms with the - frankly terrifying - feelings he had for Rozanov? Shane still wasn’t sure if he could - or rather should - tell Rozanov how he felt. 

Before Shane knew it, and maybe before he was ready, Shane was stood in front of Rozanov’s room. Taking one more steadying breath, he pulled the room key out of his suit pants and unlocked the door and opened the door. Stepping inside, he was greeted with low lighting and and…. Rozanov. 

Fuck, he’s so beautiful. That was a thought that Shane was used to having but after not seeing Rozanov for so long, and with the added weight of his newly labeled feelings, it hit Shane so much harder.

Shane felt himself push the door closed but his entire focus was on the man in front of him. Rozanov stood leaning on the wall by the windows, his dress shirt unbuttoned and untucked from his pants. He had taken his shoes and socks off and was holding a glass with some ice and a clear liquid inside, vodka probably, knowing him. His hair was gelled back on the sides with some stray curls falling onto his forehead. 

Shane swallowed as his feet took him closer to the Russian man in front of him. Rozanov spread his arms a bit. Shane felt a slight smile touch his lips, even though he was a little bit upset that Rozanov had won MVP tonight.

“Congratulations.” Shane said, finding that he actually meant it. 

“Thank you.” Rozanov said as his arms fell back to his sides. “Now take off your clothes.” And there it is. Shane thought. Such an asshole. 

“You’re such an asshole.” Shane found himself saying as much, though there was no heat to it. There never was anymore. There hadn’t been for awhile. Shane put his jacket down on the couch in front of him and began to undress. The entire time, he could feel Rozanov’s eyes on him. It should have made his skin crawl. Made him uncomfortable, made him want to hide. Instead, it made him want to preen. Made him want to slow, to give Rozanov a show. Having Rozanov’s eyes on him made Shane feel….powerful. Made him feel seen, made him feel beautiful. 

Before Shane knew it, he was in his underwear. That’s when reality came crashing back in and he realized there was an entire wall of windows they were standing in front of. They may have been 30-something floors up, but there were still helicopters flying around, right? He could feel his nerves start to light up.

“What?” Rozanov snapped. Shane had to fight not to flinch.

“Just….a lot of windows.” Shane wasn’t sure if he was imagining it or not, but he was pretty sure Rozanov rolled his eyes. He pushed off the wall and gestured with his head towards the bedroom and then grabbed a chair and dragged it behind him as he walked. Shane found himself following without much protest.

Like a dog on a leash.

~~~~~~

“Think you’re ready for me, Hollander?” Rozanov purred in Shane’s ear.

Shane felt himself nod enthusiastically. 

“Fuck, yes. Please.” Shane begged, pushing his hips back on Rozanov’s fingers. Rozanov had just spent the last…. Fuck, Shane didn’t even know how long stretching Shane out, refusing to listen to Shane when he said he was ready at two fingers. 

Shane whined, which he would refuse to admit happened, when Rozanov pulled his fingers out. He turned his head to watch Rozanov over his shoulder as he pushed his pants off all the way and pulled a condom wrapper out. 

“W-Wait…” Shane heard himself saying. Rozanov stopped and looked at Shane, raising a perfect eyebrow. Shane swallowed and hesitated, not quite sure what he was doing. 

“When was the last time you were tested?” Shane asked, his voice slightly hoarse from blowing Rozanov earlier. He watched Rozanov blink once, then twice. 

“A week ago. You?” Rozanov finally responded, his voice surprisingly even, considering what they’d been doing.

“Were…. Were you clean?” Shane asked. What the fuck am I doing?! Rozanov frowned and watched Shane for a moment before nodding.

“Me…… Me too. Can….” Shane trailed off, his eyes leaving Rozanov’s face to land on the condom still on Rozanov’s hand. Shane swallowed again.

“Can we do it bare….?” Shane finally asked, his voice barely a whisper.

He wasn’t sure Rozanov even heard him. It was so silent. The only sound was Shane’s own ragged breathing and the sounds of the hotel room. Shane suddenly felt so fucking stupid. His fingers curled into the sheets and he forced his eyes back up to Rozanov’s face, expecting to see anger. He did not expect the pure unadulterated heat and need that he was met with.

“Чёрт возьми…..”

Shane would again deny the sound that came out of him when Rozanov all but pounced on him after throwing the condom to the floor. Rozanov plastered his chest to Shane’s back and attacked his mouth, neck and shoulders with kisses, licks and bites as he growled things in Russian and ran his hands all over Shane’s body like he didn’t know what to do with them.

And then, before Shane could even think, Rozanov was pushing into him. Completely bare and raw. And it was fucking heaven.

Shane all but melted.

~~~~~~

Shane sat next to Rozanov in bed, cradling a glass of cold vodka, staring at the sheets in front of him. 

I just had unprotected sex with Ilya Rozanov. My sworn rival. And it was the best fucking sex I have ever had.

“So…. I, um…. I realized something over these last 6 months.” Shane found himself saying before he could stop himself.

What the fuck, Shane?! Stop!

“Oh? That I am better hockey player than you?” Rozanov chirped. Shane snorted and rolled his eyes. That was his out. He could chirp right back and that could be the end of it. Go back to normal. This was safe, this was easy. This was them.

“Fuck off, no. You wish.” Shane said, with a soft chuckle. 

“Actually…. I realized that…. This is fun. And I like it. A lot. But I actually…. Kind of, really like you too.” 

“Hollander…” Rozanov’s voice had taken on a harder edge, almost like a warning. 

“And I think…..” Shane’s eyes were glued to the vodka glass in his hands and the way he was spinning it in his hands. 

“I think I might-”

“Stop.”

The way he said that one word made Shane’s eyes snap up to Rozanov’s face and what he saw there made him flinch back without even meaning to.

Rozanov’s eyes were blazing with barely contained rage. He practically slammed his own vodka glass onto the nightstand beside him and stubbed out his cigarette before whirling back around to face Shane.

“Do not finish that sentence. I do not know what you think this is, Hollander,” Rozanov paused to gesture between them, “but we are not anything. I thought I made that clear in Russia.”

His tone was dripping venom, something Shane had heard before, but never directed at him. He’d heard it directed at reporters for asking stupid questions or other players but he had never turned that tone on Shane. Shane had never once felt scared of Rozanov and he wasn’t now but he could definitely see how people could be.

“This is nothing but sex. You are just another hook up, Hollander. You are nothing.” Rozanov spat and Shane flinched.

“I….”

Shane felt cold. He felt so embarrassed and ashamed. Of course they weren’t anything. Of course this was just sex. Shane knew that. He’d known that since the very first night in 1410. 

“Get out, Hollander.” Rozanov demanded before getting up and storming to the bathroom. The door slammed shut and Shane jumped. Shane sat there for only a moment more before he put his glass down and got up.

It only took him a few minutes to get dressed again and then he was out the door and before he knew it, Shane was standing in the elevator, riding it back down to his floor.

Shane felt so disgusted with himself. What had he been thinking? He knew this….thing with Rozanov wasn’t anything. It had always been just sex. It had never been anything. And he had to go and ruin it by opening his big mouth.

He just….hoped maybe this time someone wanted him for more than just what he could give them.

~~~~~~

A MONTH LATER

Shane remembers being in sex ed class and thinking why this was necessary at 14 years old. Who is having sex at 14 years old? Shouldn’t they be focusing on other things? He knew he was.

But he needed to pay at least some attention in order to stay on the hockey team so he attended and took notes like he was supposed to. He doesn’t really remember much of the class as a whole other than how awkward it was and all the stupid jokes the majority of the boys made. 

His clearest memory of that class is the day that they learned that about 35% of the male population has the genetic mutation of having the ability to get pregnant. Scientists don’t really understand when or how this came about but that it's a Thing(™). He remembers that there’s a test you can take that tells you if you’re one of that 35% but he never thought that he’d need it so he never took the test.

Now, he kind of wishes he did.

Because he is staring at his second positive drugstore pregnancy test.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

I am here with chapter 2!

Thank you all so much for your support on the first chapter. That was a lot and I just posted it. Like, holy shit.

I did change the summary a bit. IYKYK. The original one gave too much away.

I hope I continue to keep you all entertained. I know where I'm headed with this for the most part. I am still working on getting to the happy ending. I haven't quite figured that out yet.

But for now! Enjoy Shane freaking the fuck out!

Chapter 2

“This can’t be happening….” Shane dropped the pregnancy test onto the counter in his bathroom like it was on fire and backed away. 

It was wrong. It had to be wrong, right? Nevermind that it was the second one he’d taken. These things gave false positives all the time, didn’t they? 

Shane could feel his chest tightening as his back hit the wall behind him and he slid to the cold tiled floor of his bathroom. One of his hands went to his chest and rubbed at his sternum, trying to loosen the tightness. He couldn’t breathe.

He placed his other hand flat on the floor beside him, the cold floor helping to ground him. His head tipped back and hit the wall behind him with a dull thud. His ears were ringing and his skin was tingling and hot.

A few minutes later, the panic attack had run its course and Shane felt wrung out and exhausted but he could breathe. He opened his eyes - When had he closed his eyes? - and found himself staring at the ceiling of his bathroom.

He needed a plan. He blinked once, twice then slowly lifted his head from the wall. Slowly, like his limbs were made of lead, he pushed himself to his feet and left his bathroom. Where was his phone? His eyes swept over his bedroom before locating it on his nightstand.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, Shane picked up his phone and unlocked it. Without even thinking about it, he brought up his texts and was now staring at his thread with “Lily”. His thumb hovered over the keyboard. Shane wanted nothing more than to text Rozanov. 

“You are nothing.” 

Rozanov’s words from that hotel room in Vegas a month ago rang through Shane’s head like a death knell. Shane quickly closed out of his texts and brought up Google. 

Rozanov didn’t care about Shane then and wouldn’t care now.

Shane spent the next 20 minutes finding a gynecology clinic near him that had the highest reviews. The fact that their website stated that they had provisions available for “high profile patients” was one of the things that sold him on it. Shane dialed the number and had the phone pressed to his ear before he could overthink the decision and talk himself out of it. 

He needed to know if he was pregnant for sure.

~~~~~~

The next day, at 7 AM on a Thursday, found Shane sitting in his car, gripping his steering wheel as he stared at the clinic and watched what he assumed was the receptionist, walk up to the front door and unlock it and walk in. 

Shane blinked and forced his fingers to unlock and let go of the steering wheel. He took one. Two. Three deep breaths and felt his heartbeat slow back down to a more normal rate. 

This was going to be fine.

The girl he talked to on the phone yesterday had been beyond kind and had assured him that no one beyond the office staff would know he was there. She said they had worked with many high profile patients before, some even more high profile than him. They knew what they were doing. 

Taking one more deep breath, Shane got out of his car and walked up to the door. He knocked twice on the glass and the girl he saw go in a few minutes earlier came jogging up. He heard the lock click and then she was pulling the door open.

“Hi, you must be Mr. Hollander.” she said with a soft smile. Shane instantly relaxed because he recognized that voice. It was the girl he talked to yesterday. 

“Hi. Yeah. You’re…. Emily, right?” He greeted as he stepped inside. She smiled wider and nodded before closing and locking the door behind him.

“Yeah. I asked to be here today so you could have a familiar voice. You seemed really nervous on the phone yesterday so I thought it might help.” She explained as she turned back to face him. God, he was really glad he picked this place. 

“That is….really nice. Thank you.” he breathed. She smiled again then led him to the front desk. 

“The medical assistant and the doctor should be here soon. I just need you to fill out some paperwork.” She said as she slipped behind the desk. He watched as she grabbed a clipboard and papers. She handed it over to him with a pen. 

“If you have any questions, just let me know.” He nodded once then went and sat down.

The paperwork was pretty self explanatory. He’d gone down a bit of a rabbit hole last night researching what to expect going into this appointment. He didn’t want to be taken by surprise. It didn’t take him long to finish it. By the time he had finished and taken it back up to Emily, she informed him that the assistant, whose name was Amanda, had arrived and would be calling him back shortly and that the doctor, Dr. Barnes, would be arriving within the next 5-10 minutes.

Shane was wandering around the waiting room, reading the posters on the wall when a door opened and another girl, Amanda, stepped out and called his name. The next few minutes passed in a blur of vital signs and questions that made him so fucking uncomfortable but he knew needed to be asked. The last thing Amanda did was take a vial of blood. She explained that it was going to be used to run a pregnancy test. They had a small lab on site where they could do the test within a couple minutes. 

Before Shane knew it, he was sitting alone in the exam room, tapping his fingers on his thigh and looking around nervously. He still couldn’t believe he was actually here. What was his life? He was a hockey star. The face of the Montreal Voyageurs, Canada’s Golden Boy. Sitting in a gynecology clinic, waiting to see a doctor to tell him if he was pregnant by his sworn rival, the Russian menace, Ilya Rozanov, that he had been hooking up with since the summer before their rookie season(not that he could tell anyone those specific pieces of information). If it wasn’t so nausea and panic inducing, it’d actually be kinda funny. 

Shane looked up when there was a light knock on the door and then the doctor was coming into the room. She was younger than he was expecting, probably only a few years older than him.

“Good morning, Mr. Hollander. I’m Dr. Barnes. It's nice to meet you.” She greeted with a friendly smile. Shane rubbed his palms on his jeans and nodded once.

“Hi. It’s nice to meet you too. Thank you again for coming in so early for this.” He said. Dr. Barnes simply shook her head and pulled up the stool and sat in front of him.

“It’s no problem at all. As I’m sure Emily told you, we’ve had many high profile patients come through our doors. We’re used to it.” She assured him. She looked down at the clipboard in her hands and looked over the paperwork on it.

“So, you’re here because you think you might be pregnant, is that right?” She asked in a calm tone. Shane nodded.

“Yeah. I took two of those at home tests yesterday and both were positive. But I’ve heard that those can give false positives so I wanted to see an actual doctor.” Dr. Barnes simply nodded. 

“And when was the last time you had unprotected sex?” Dr. Barnes asked before looking up at him. Shane felt his cheeks and ears turn red before he cleared his throat. This was just a question she had to ask.

“Um…. I’ve only ever had unprotected sex once. And it was…about a month ago.” He answered, surprised at how steady his voice was. Dr. Barnes nodded. 

“Only one partner?” Shane nodded. He watched her check her watch before looking at him again.

“Amanda put your blood sample in to be tested before I came in so the results should be ready by now. I’m gonna ask you a few more questions and then go check on it, okay?” she told him. He nodded and began to answer the next few questions, all regarding the way he’s been feeling lately. When she was done, she stood and he was once again left alone.

After another 5 minutes of sitting alone, Dr. Barnes entered the room again rolling a machine. He wasn’t quite sure what it was but he didn’t really like the look of it. His stomach churned and his spine straightened. 

“What is that?” He found himself asking. Dr. Barnes smiled at him as she pulled the machine up to the exam table.

“This is an ultrasound machine. Mr. Hollander, based on the results of your blood tests,” she hesitated and Shane’s stomach dropped. “You are indeed pregnant.”

Fuck.

~~~~~~

2 and a half hours later, Shane found himself pulling into the driveway of his parents cottage in Ottawa. After he had left his appointment at the clinic, and promptly had a panic attack in his car, he had called his mom and asked if they were home and were going to be for the next few hours. His mom sounded concerned, rightly so, when he said he was driving down but that he would tell them what was going on when he got there. This was not an over the phone conversation. 

Putting the car in park and shutting it off, Shane slides his hands off the steering wheel and stares out the front window at his parents cottage. He knows they’re not going to have a problem with him being gay or hooking up with a guy. It’s that he got himself pregnant. That’s the part he’s worried about. How are they going to react when he tells them that? His dad will probably just wrap his arms around Shane and tell him that they’ll figure it out. But his mom? He’s already picturing the disappointment in her eyes when she realizes that he’s all but thrown his career away and he hasn’t even decided if he’s keeping the baby or not. 

Shane closes his eyes and shakes his head. No. Stop it. His mom isn’t like that. Yeah, she was a bit overbearing when it came to hockey and his sponsorships and his brand deals and all that, but she’s his mom. And right now….that’s what he needs. He doesn’t need his manager. He needs his mom and dad.

Unbuckling his seat belt and grabbing the folder off the passenger seat holding all the paperwork from the clinic, Shane gets out and makes his way up to the door. His dad is standing in the open doorway when he gets there. Shane manages a tiny smile but it doesn’t last long. His dad looks worried, as he expected, but he doesn’t say anything. Just puts a hand on Shane’s arm and follows Shane inside and to where his mom is waiting in the living room.

He sees his mom open her mouth to start bombarding him with questions but then she sees his face. He knows he probably looks like shit. His hair is a mess because he couldn’t keep his hands out of it on the drive here and he kept rubbing his eyes too. He also had to pull over a couple times because he started to cry. Stupid pregnancy hormones. So his eyes are probably puffy and red and his cheeks are splotchy. Shane keeps his eyes on his hands as he carefully puts the folder on the coffee table and then turns to face his parents who are now standing side-by-side. 

“Shane, sweetie…. What’s going on?” his mom asks softly and he can hear the concern bleeding into her words and it makes him want to curl into a ball on the floor. 

“I, um…. I’m pregnant.”

Chapter End Notes

As always, constructive criticism is always welcome!

Until next time!!

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Chapter Notes

Look at me, updating every day~!

Please don't hold me to this standard for the entirety of the fic. I will not keep to this uploading schedule, no matter how hard I try.

I am beyond thankful and grateful to everyone who has shown your support for this so far. You have no idea what it means to me. I haven't written in forever and I don't really feel like I'm very good at it so getting support from you guys gives me the strength to keep going.

So many people keep talking about how Ilya is going to react when he finds out about what Shane goes through later in the fic. I was planning on having this be entirely from Shane's POV since I'm more in tune with him as a character.

HOWEVER! If there are enough people that want it, I will write a few chapters from Ilya's POV later, after the information comes out, so that everyone gets it from his perspective. I will just warn you now, I don't know how in character it will be.

Anyway!! Enjoy chapter 3!

Chapter 3

Despite what he tries to tell himself, Shane has known he was gay since before he first hooked up with Rozanov. It was pretty obvious looking back at his life.

Girls never interested him, at least not in the way they were “supposed to”. He can admit that he found them pretty or beautiful. But he never found them sexy or hot like the other guys in high school or in the locker rooms he grew up in. His eyes were always drawn to the men he was surrounded by. 

Obviously, he never ogled any of the other players in the locker room or the showers. He knew better. But he can admit, to himself, never to anyone else, that he caught himself admiring the way some of the other players looked. The muscled physique, the way the sweat and water from the showers would roll down their bodies. 

And then he met Rozanov. And hooked up with Rozanov. And it cemented what he had known all along. He liked men. And only men.

Ever since that night in 1410, Shane had thought about telling his parents he was gay. Of course, he never thought about telling them about Rozanov. Well, that was a lie. After coming to terms with his feelings for Rozanov, he had dreams about him meeting his parents. He knew it was never going to happen. It was a pipe dream, especially now.

Shane had thought about telling his parents he was gay. He never thought it would happen like this. 

~~~~~~

Shane could feel his parents' eyes on him but he kept his own on a spot on the carpet in between their legs. He had a plan on how to tell them about being gay and then being pregnant but it all went out the window when he actually got there. 

“Shane…. You…. What?” His mom finally broke the silence. Shane swallowed. He was twisting the end of his shirt in his hands. He could feel the sweat dripping down his back and beginning to bead along his forehead. He felt like he was going to be sick.

“Sorry, that’s not….how I wanted to start this.” Shane said, his voice a bit rough. 

“Why don’t we sit down?” His dad asked, his voice gentle and soft. Shane nodded and moved to the arm chair across from the couch as his parents lowered themselves onto the couch. Shane rubbed his hands on his jeans. 

“Take some deep breaths and start over, bud.” His dad prompted after a minute. Shane took a couple breaths and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, um…” Shane started. He glanced up at his parents and then back down at the coffee table in front of him. He focused on the folder he’d placed there. He knew his mom was probably wondering what it was. 

“Well, I guess it’s obvious now that I’m…. I’m gay. I’ve known I was gay for…awhile, I guess.” He says with a small shrug. 

“I’ve been, uh….hooking up with a guy for….a couple years. Since…. Since my rookie year.” He continues. He hears his mom take a breath and he glances up to see his dad has taken one of her hands in his. He needs her to not say anything or he won’t be able to get this out.

“Another player. And I’m not telling you who, so don’t ask.” He rushes out because he just knows she’s going to ask. His eyes fall back down to the folder.

“We were always safe and we weren’t…exclusive or anything. The last time we hooked up, though…. And I don’t know why I even asked or why he agreed….we didn’t use a condom.” He could feel his face turning red because holy fuck, this is so embarassing! 

“I….” Shane hesitated. He was barely able to tell Rozanov how he felt and now he was about to tell his parents that he’d fallen in love with a man. A man he was never supposed to fall in love with. He could feel the stinging behind his eyes start up again.

“It was supposed to be casual. Just sex. But…. I…. I fell for him. I fell in love with him.” He had to force the words out past the lump in his throat. They were quiet and strained. He swallowed and tried to force the lump in his throat down and the tears back.

“I tried to tell him and he…. He got angry. He told me that we weren’t anything. That I…. I was nothing. And he made me leave.” He knew without even looking that his mother was angry. His dad probably was too. 

“Anyway…. That was…. A little over a month ago. I started feeling weird a couple weeks ago. I don’t know why but I went and bought some of those drug store pregnancy tests yesterday. I took two and both were positive.” Shane finally dragged his eyes up and looked at his parents. They were looking at him with so much concern, love and sadness.

“I went to a clinic this morning. They did a blood test. It confirmed that I’m pregnant. They did an ultrasound too. I’m about a month along. Everything is in there.” He gestured weakly to the folder on the coffee table then finally fell silent.

The house was quiet as his parents stared at him and processed what he had just told them. Which, he can admit, was… a lot. 

“Are you okay?” His dad finally broke the silence. Shane blinked. That wasn’t what he had been expecting. Shane opened his mouth, the words “I’m fine” on the tip of his tongue, the lie so easy, so familiar. But he found that he couldn’t say them. Sitting there in the cottage he grew up in, across from his parents, after he had just told them about a secret that he had kept so close to his chest for the last couple of years, he found that he was so… scared. He was sad and alone. And he was so tired of holding onto this by himself. He bit his lip as his eyes welled with tears.

“No. I’m so fucking scared. I don’t know what to do. And I miss him so fucking much but I am so fucking hurt by what he said. But all I want to do is call him and hear his voice and I can’t because he doesn’t care.” His voice broke as the tears streaked down his cheeks and a sob tore from his chest. He buried his face in his hands and then he was being pulled into his mothers arms. She held him like she did when he was a child, one hand cupping the back of his head and scratching his scalp, the other rubbing up and down his back. He had no idea what he was going to do but he knew one thing.

He wasn’t alone anymore.

~~~~~~

After Shane was calmed down, his dad took him into the kitchen with him to make him some tea while his mom looked over the paperwork from the clinic. Sitting at the breakfast bar, Shane watched his dad as he puttered around the kitchen, cleaning up from the lunch that they had just finished when he showed up. Shane knew that his dad was just doing it to keep his hands busy. That was a trait Shane picked up from him.

“Dad?” Shane whispered after watching his dad clean a plate, dry it then clean it again. His dad stopped, placed the plate carefully down onto the counter and turned to face Shane. Shane pulled his tea a bit closer to himself.

“Are you….Are you disappointed in me…?” Shane forced himself to ask. He was so scared of the answer. He knew his parents loved him. And he knew that they would support him, no matter what he chose to do. But he also wanted to make them happy, make them proud. That’s all he ever wanted to do. He loved hockey and he loved winning, but he remembers being little and losing his first game and being so upset, not because he lost, not entirely at least, but because he was so scared his parents would be disappointed in him.

“Shane…. Son, no.” His dad came over and slid onto the stool next to Shane. He didn’t touch Shane, he knew how Shane was with touch and he could tell that right now, Shane couldn’t really handle being touched. But he was there, close enough that Shane could feel his body heat and smell his aftershave, the same aftershave he’d used since Shane was a child, a scent that Shane had come to associate with safety, comfort, acceptance. Home. 

Shane looked at his dad. He was always the calm one in the family. The steady one. His mom was the one pushing him to do more, to be better. His dad, though. His dad was always just…there. He supported Shane, always but he never pushed him. 

“I could never be disappointed in you, Shane. I’m just a little…shocked. That was a lot to take in a short amount of time, ya know?” his dad said. Shane instantly relaxed and nodded.

“I know and I’m sorry-” He started to say more but his dad placed a hand on his arm and cut him off.

“Shane.” His mouth snapped closed with a click as he looked at his dad. His dad smiled softly at him.

“You are our pride and joy. There is very little you could do to disappoint us. We’re just having a hard time processing this.” His dad started. “Learning that your son is gay, has been casually hooking up with another man for the last couple of years and is now accidentally pregnant by said hook up is a lot to take in.” His dad was smiling and chuckling softly. Shane finally felt himself relax and actually found himself laughing a little.

“Yeah, I know it’s a lot. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys before. It wasn’t exactly something we could talk about. Not that I don’t trust you and Mom. But there were a lot of different factors and things that we had to take into consideration.” Shane explained. His dad simply nodded as he listened to Shane. 

“We understand, Shane. Even though we don’t know all the details, we know that you had your reasons.” Shane started to say something else but stopped when his mom came into the kitchen. He almost didn’t want to look at her. But he did. She was holding one of the pamphlets that Dr. Barnes had given him, along with the ultrasound photos. He watched as she came over and sat on the stool on the other side of him. She placed both things on the counter where Shane and his dad could see them. Shane felt his shoulders tense and his stomach clench when he saw which pamphlet it was.

“What You Need to Know About Having an Abortion”

Shane felt his dad shift in his seat. The air in the kitchen was now awkward and tense. Shane’s fingers tightened on his mug before he looked at his mom.

“Are you going to have an abortion, Shane?” His mom asked quietly, almost like she was afraid to ask. Shane stared at her for a minute then looked down at his tea that was going cold. 

“I don’t know. Dr. Barnes said I still could. I still have a few weeks before they won’t be able do it.” Shane answered. His voice was quiet. That was one of the things he was dreading thinking and talking about. There might not be a heartbeat yet but it was still a life. 

“Is it something you want?” His dad asked. Shane shrugged. The truth was, he had no idea. He was so lost. 

“I don’t know. If I keep it, I risk my career. If I don’t…” He trailed off. He wasn’t sure he wanted to finish that sentence. 

“If you don’t…?” His mom prompted. Shane pushed his shoulders back.

“I lose the only piece I have left of the man I love.”

~~~~~~

In the end, since Shane still had a few weeks to decide, he and his parents figured that the best idea right now was for him to take a few days to think about it. Really decide if this was something he wanted. Did he want to risk his career for this baby? Risk it getting out and the scandal it could cause? Or did he want to keep the baby? The only piece of Rozanov he had left. The only real piece. 

They decided that it would be best if Shane stayed with them for a few days. Well, his mom made the decision but Shane didn’t exactly object. If he was being honest, he didn’t want to be alone right now. Who knows what kind of downwards spiral he’d end up on?

He’d spent most of the day with his dad. He needed the calm, steady presence he provided. They didn’t do much. Read, finished a puzzle - which Shane honestly wasn’t much help with - and then Shane helped him make dinner for the three of them. 

While Shane spent the day trying not to think about the fact that his entire life was about to change(and possibly implode), his mom spent the day researching how male pregnancies are different from female pregnancies. The pregnancy itself, the birth, complications. Anything she could find about it, she found. When she brought it up during dinner, one look and a single tired sigh from Shane, she promptly dropped the subject and said she wouldn’t bring it back up until Shane had made his decision.

After dinner, he helped his mom clean up. That’s how it worked in their house. One cooked, the other cleaned up. And Shane helped when and where he could. While he was drying a plate, he finally worked up the courage to ask his mom what she thought he should do. He knew she had to have an opinion. He refused to look at her when he asked the question and she didn’t look up from where she was scrubbing the pan she had in her hands.

“I think…that this is a really big decision. And I know how scary it is. You’ve worked so hard to build your career and prove that you deserve to be where you are. But I also know that having a child with the person you love is one of the greatest blessings there is. But, that’s where things are different for us. I had your father to help raise you. You… You wouldn’t have him.”

That’s…not what he was expecting. He looked up from the dish in his hands and found his mom already looking at him. 

“I can’t make this decision for you, Shane. Neither can your father. But what I can tell you is that if you decide to keep this baby…it will be one of the best decisions of your life. It’ll be hard, don’t get me wrong. Raising a child is nowhere near easy. But, you won’t be doing it completely alone. Because no matter what you choose, your father and I will be there every step of the way. Just like we have your whole life.”

Shane bit his bottom lip when he felt it tremble and tears filled his eyes. Fuck, how did I get so lucky? Shane put the plate down and turned to his mom fully and hugged her.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

Now, Shane is in his childhood bedroom, staring out the window at the stars, trying to fall asleep. Moving onto his side away from the window, he reaches over and grabs his phone. Shit, I forgot that Hayden texted me. 

“Hey, man. Are you still down to hang out next week? The kids are soo excited to see their Uncle Shane! Let me know.”

He texted him again a couple hours later.

“Shane? You okay, buddy? You don’t usually take this long to answer…”

Shane knew it was late but he also knew that Hayden was probably still awake. So he clicked into their text thread and replied to Hayden.

“Hey, Hayd. Sorry. I had something come up and ended up going to Ottawa to see my parents. I’ll let you know about next week. I might have to reschedule.” He felt bad telling Hayden that he might not be able to hang out but right now, he wasn’t sure he could handle the chaos that was Hayden’s brood of children. 

It was only a minute later when his phone vibrated with Hayden’s response.

“It’s okay, man. Is everything okay? Do you need anything? I know you said you’re in Ottawa, but I can still help, ya know?” Shane smiled. He could see Hayden’s worried expression in his head. 

“I’ll let you know. Things are kind of shit right now. I’m still processing. I’ll text you in a few days, okay?” He knew that Hayden would be worrying about him, but knowing that he was with his parents would help.

“Okay. Looking forward to it. Good night, Shane.” Shane just thumbs upped the message before placing his phone back on the charger. He felt a little better now after talking to Hayden, even though it was just over text. Maybe he should tell Hayden what was going on. Actually, that was probably a bad idea. No, he should talk to Jackie. That’s what he would do tomorrow. He’d call and talk to Jackie. 

Working with some semblance of a plan, Shane finally felt himself starting to relax and fall asleep.

He could do this.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Chapter Notes

I almost didn't update today because I was super busy and didn't have a lot of time to write but I managed to bust this out in like 3 hours.

Again, I am beyond amazed and grateful for all of the support you guys are giving me. Its really keeping me going.

And I hear all of you about wanting the bad shit to happen. And I promise I'm getting there. I want to establish things first. And I understand if its a little slow going right now. But, I promise we're almost there.

Stick with me! I love you all!!

Chapter 4

The next few days went by quicker than Shane wanted them to. But by the end of them, he felt better than he had when he showed up at his parents' door step. 

His best idea had been talking to Jackie. He ended up spending almost 2 hours on the phone with her after breakfast on the second day. She told him about how she didn’t tell Hayden she was pregnant with the twins for almost an entire week because she didn’t know if she really wanted kids at that time. And with Hayden being gone so much, she was scared. When she did end up telling him, one of the first things she told him was that she was considering an abortion but she knew that it was a decision that they had to make together. 

It honestly made Shane a little jealous because he didn’t have that and he never would. But he quickly shook that thought away. Jackie and Hayden were his best friends. He wasn’t about to feel jealous of them just because they had it great and he was stuck in possibly the shittiest situation ever. 

At the end of the conversation, Jackie told him that while she and Hayden had decided to keep the babies, and it had been the best decision of their lives, she knew that their situation was completely different than his. And she assured him that, no matter what he chose, her and Hayden would be right there to support him. 

The thing was…Shane had known that. Logically, he knew that Jackie and Hayden would be there and would help and support him just as much, if not more, as his parents. But, it settled his nerves more than he thought to hear it said. 

Before he hung up, he asked Jackie not to tell Hayden anything. He hadn’t made a decision yet and he didn’t want Hayden to freak out and start spiralling if Shane wasn’t actually going to keep the baby. He felt bad asking her to keep something like from her husband; he knew they told each other everything. But she promised him that she wouldn’t say a word to him about it. 

It took another day before Shane got up the courage to approach his mom and ask her to show him the information she had found about the differences between male and female pregnancies. She hesitated and asked him probably five different times if he was sure before she brought up the online articles she had found on that first afternoon. He spent the next 2 hours studying the information. He took notes, wrote down questions that weren’t answered in the articles and then looked up first hand accounts of men who had gone through their own pregnancies. He then called the clinic in Montreal and spent the next hour talking to Dr. Barnes and asking her all of the questions he had. 

By the end of his stay with his parents, he felt he had a better understanding of what he would be getting into if he kept the baby. He had also done some more research into the process, complications and drawbacks of an abortion. He had also looked into when he would be due, if he kept it. It would be after the beginning of the season, so he wouldn’t be able to play. He looked at his contract with the Voyageurs. He was given paternity leave, if he was to have a child. Though, he was pretty sure that was put in there under the impression that he’d have a wife and she’d be having the child, not the other way around. So, he could ask for them to honor that once the baby was born. It was just asking for the last few months of the pregnancy off that would be the problem. 

And he knew what they would say if he told them. And they wouldn’t give it to him. No matter how much he had given them, how hard he worked. They would drop him the second he told them that he was pregnant and keeping the baby. No questions asked, no negotiating. If they couldn’t have their star, they didn’t care. 

But the more Shane thought about it, the more he tossed the idea of terminating around, the more that thought made him sick. He had worked his whole life to get to where he was in his hockey career. But the thought of terminating…of getting rid of the life that was inside of him…the life that was half him and half Rozanov…that thought filled him with so much sadness.

The thought of having the child and raising it alone was terrifying and he knew it would be beyond hard. But, this life was the only part of Rozanov he had left. The only proof that there was something between them, even if it was just sex. And even though Shane had fucked it up by falling for him when he wasn't supposed to, he wanted to hold onto what they had.

It took four days, but Shane had come to a decision.

The morning of the fourth day, after they had breakfast, Shane sat in the armchair across from his parents.

“I’ve made up my mind.” He started. His mom straightened in her seat and his dad’s hand found one of his mom’s. 

“Okay. What did you decide?” His mom asked. He could tell that she was nervous to hear what he was about to say. His dad merely smiled softly at him and nodded once, a silent encouragement. Shane sat up straighter in his chair.

“I’m keeping the baby.”

~~~~~~

The next two weeks passed in a blur of appointments with Dr. Barnes, appointments with his agent and spending his time getting very well acquainted with his toilet.

It seems that coming to the decision of keeping the baby kickstarted his body's reactions to said baby. The smallest things made him nauseous. The smell of his own deodorant made him gag one morning. 

How do women do this?! He thought. 

Thank fuck it started to get better with the nausea meds Dr. Barnes prescribed him at his last appointment with her. He could actually keep food down now and normal, everyday smells weren’t making him want to throw his guts up.

Three weeks after he returned home from his parents' place, he invited Hayden and Jackie over for lunch. He hadn’t been able to hang out like they had originally planned because Shane had been too busy hugging his toilet and dry heaving like it was his new favorite pastime. So, Shane invited them over - just them, he knew his stomach couldn’t handle the grossness of the kids right now - and told them that he had some news. Obviously, Jackie already knew because of the phone call they’d had but Shane needed to tell Hayden what was going on. 

The visit went…okay. Jackie was thrilled to hear that he’d decided to keep it and promised that she would be there every step of the way to help with whatever he needed. Advice, a driver to appointments, someone to help clean when he got too big to do himself, whatever he needed. 

Hayden… Well, Hayden just kind of sat there. And stared at Shane like he had grown another head. He didn’t say anything for the longest time. Shane was starting to get a little worried before Jackie elbowed him in the ribs and it seemed to restart Hayden’s brain. Hayden asked questions. A lot of questions. Who the guy was, how long they had been hooking up, where he lived so Hayden could go kill him for hurting Shane. You know, normal best friend things. 

Shane felt better after telling him. He had more people on his side. 

Then came telling the Voyageurs…

Shane’s mom was convinced that they would be fine with it, that they’d give him what he needed. But Shane…Shane didn’t know how to tell his mom that he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that they wouldn’t. She didn’t know what it was like behind closed doors there. She only knew what the Voyageurs put out in the public eye, not what went on in private. She didn’t hear the shit that was said in the locker room, the showers, or even on the ice. She didn’t hear how the guys spoke about other players, women, even their own girlfriends and wives. 

Not to mention how they treated him. Yeah, he was their captain and had basically brought the Voyageurs back from the dead but he wasn’t what you normally saw when you looked at a hockey player. He wasn’t very tall. Yeah, he was built but that only kind of made up for his lack of height. And then there was his skin color, his face shape, his eye shape and his freckles. 

It didn’t matter to them that he was an amazing player and that he was better than every single player on that team. What mattered was their image. And he didn’t fit it. The only reason they kept him around was because he got them goals, he won them games. The minute he told them that he was pregnant, keeping the baby and needed - at minimum - 6 months off at the beginning of the season? There wouldn’t be any questions asked. He would be kicked to the curb in the blink of an eye. 

That’s how he found himself sitting in the GM’s office with his mother and his agent 4 weeks after he made the decision to keep the baby. He was sitting across the desk from the GM and Coach Thierault and he was doing everything in his power not to run out and throw up the lunch he had just eaten. 

“So, Mr. Hollander. Mrs. Hollander.” Thierault started, simply nodding at Farah. Shane was pretty sure he didn’t even know her name. 

“What exactly is the reason for this meeting?” Thierault asked. Shane could tell he was irritated and Shane couldn’t exactly blame him. It was the off season. There really wasn’t much reason for them to be meeting like this unless it was something really important. And well…this was important.

“Shane has had a change in circumstances and is going to need some accommodations at the beginning of the season. We’ve come to discuss that with you.” Farah stepped in smoothly. Shane was so grateful that both his mother and Farah were here. He wasn’t sure he could handle this meeting by himself. He watched as the GM and Thierault both raised an eyebrow and exchanged a look.

“What circumstances?” Thierault asked. Shane felt his mom rest a hand on his arm. That was his cue.

“I am pregnant and I have decided to keep the child. My due date is after the beginning of the season so I obviously won’t be able to play during that time. There is a clause in my contract that provides me with paternity leave. I’d like to use that leave after the baby is born to recover and get myself back into shape in order to play at my usual level.”

You could hear a pin drop, that’s how quiet it was in that office. Both Thierault and the GM had frozen in their seats and were staring at Shane like they had never seen him before. Shane’s hands curled into fists on his thighs, his nails digging into his palms. He unconsciously sat up straighter in his chair, holding his head higher and meeting Thierault’s gaze.

He knew exactly what was coming. 

~~~~~~

Ilya

Two Weeks Later

Ilya was laying in bed in his Moscow apartment, scrolling idly through his social media as he tried to fall asleep. 

This was becoming a common occurrence for him. It was 2 AM in Moscow and he still wasn’t asleep. Sighing heavily, he let his phone drop face down onto his chest. He stared up at the ceiling in the dark and listened to the sounds of the city below. 

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about that night in Vegas 3 months ago. It had been a good night. He had won MVP and then he had managed to convince Hollander to come up to his room. He hadn’t been sure he was going to be able to, after the way Hollander blew up at him in that bathroom after they did that stupid presentation together. 

But Hollander had come to him. Just like he always did. And they had fucked and it was so fucking good. He still couldn’t believe Hollander had asked to go without a condom. And Ilya had agreed, like a lovesick fool. Which is exactly what he was. And then Hollander tried to…

Ilya sat up quickly in bed, his phone tumbling off his chest and landing in between his legs. What had Hollander been trying to tell him that night? Fuck, who was Ilya trying to fool? He knew exactly what Hollander was trying to say.

And what had Ilya done? Shut it down. Thrown hurtful words at him like it was nothing. 

“You are nothing.” 

Fuck. Ilya is haunted by the look on Hollander’s face when those words landed. They landed like a physical blow. Like Ilya had actually hit him. Had slapped him across the face instead of slung words that he didn’t even mean. 

Because the truth was…Hollander was everything to Ilya. And Ilya had thrown it all away to protect himself. Like a coward. 

Ilya ran his hands over his face then looked down at his phone when it vibrated three times in quick succession. He caught a glimpse of the tail end of a text from his teammate Cliff Marlow. Frowning, Ilya picked up his phone and navigated over to his texts. He had three messages from Marlow and one from Sveta. He opened the one from Sveta first. 

Sveta: “Я знаю, что ты ещё не спишь. Ты видел новости?”

Ilya frowned deeper then exited out of her thread and went into Marly’s. 

Marly: “DUDE!!!!!!”

Marly: “Tell me you’ve seen the news, man!”

Marly: “Shit, I just realized what time it is there. Sorry! 😬”

Ilya was so confused. What the fuck is going on? Right as he was about to go back to Sveta’s thread and ask what the fuck she’s talking about, his phone vibrates again. This time, though, it's not a text. It’s a notification from ESPN. About Hollander. Ilya’s blood goes cold. Slowly, honestly a little scared, he clicks on the article.

BREAKING NEWS: Shane Hollander Dropped by Montreal Voyageurs

In a shocking turn of events, the Montreal Voyageurs have released a statement that their star center, Shane Hollander, has been dropped from their roster and will not be continuing his career with the team next season. They did not expand on the reasonings behind this decision and efforts to reach out to Mr. Hollander and his agent have been unsuccessful. 

What…the…fuck…?

Chapter End Notes

Surprise!!! This will probably be the only Ilya POV until he finds out everything that happened. But I will be sprinkling in other characters POV's here and there as the story progresses.

As always, kudos and comments are always appreciated!

Until we meet again!!

Russian is taken from Google Translate.
Translation: I know you are still awake. Have you seen the news?

Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Chapter Notes

We're getting into it, guys!!!

I told you guys not to hold me to the standard of updating every day.

But for real, I am sorry for not updating yesterday. Work was crazy as fuck and I didn't have a lot of time to work on it and I was trying to figure out how to end this chapter.

And yes, I am working on this while I'm at work. Do I feel bad about that? Absolutely not. Should I be writing heartwrenching gay fanfic while working? No. Will I continue to do so? Fuck, yes!

I do want to say that I know you guys aren't rushing me into finishing this. I'm rushing myself, honestly. You guys have been great and I really appreciate your support and the love you guys have been showing to this fic. Especially since I've never written anything like this before.

So! Enjoy this chapter!!

Chapter 5

Shane sat in the exam room at Dr. Barnes office, chewing on his lip and tapping his fingers on his thighs. He was there for his next appointment and he was…excited but also so fucking nervous.

His mom was supposed to come with him to this appointment but she ended up not being able to. She had a last minute meeting come up with Farah and the GM for the New York Admirals. Shane didn’t really want to move to New York but he was keeping his options open right now. The only team he absolutely refused to go to was Toronto. 

“Shane…buddy, take some breaths, man.” a voice said from his left. Shane looked up from where he had been burning holes into the floor and turned his head to look at Hayden. After his mom had called him and told him that she wasn’t going to be able to make it to his appointment, he had called Hayden. He had done most of his appointments alone but this one…he needed someone there.

Because this was the appointment that he was going to find out the gender and hear the heartbeat for the first time. Technically, he could have done it before but being alone for that made him nervous. He knew he was going to cry and having someone there to support him was probably a good idea. 

“Sorry. I’m just…nervous.” Hayden smiled and stood from where he was sitting and crossed the room to stand next to him. He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. 

“I know, man. I get it. Me and Jackie were too. I got you, though.” Shane felt himself relax and he nodded. They both looked to the door when Dr. Barnes came in, rolling the ultrasound machine in. Shane had become very familiar with that machine over the last couple months. He absolutely hated the texture of the gel they used and almost always had to take a shower when he got home because no matter how well they cleaned it off of him, he swore he could still feel it on his skin.

“Good morning, Shane. How are you feeling today?” Dr. Barnes said with her signature warm smile.

“I’m okay. The nausea is a lot better. I’m nervous for today. Is that normal? Oh, this Hayden. He’s my best friend. My mom was supposed to come but she had something come up and wasn’t able to.” Shane snapped his mouth shut when he realized he had started to ramble.

Hayden snorted and Dr. Barnes simply chuckled.

“Nice to meet you, Hayden. I’m Dr. Barnes. And yes, Shane. Being nervous is perfectly normal.” Hayden simply nodded to her and kept his hand on Shane’s shoulder, a comforting weight that Shane found he was profoundly grateful for.

“I’m also really excited.” Dr. Barnes smiled.

“I’m glad. Go ahead and lay back and pull your shirt up.” She instructed. Shane laid back and pulled his shirt up. Hayden’s hand shifted from his shoulder. Shane looked up at him and then held his hand out to him. Surprise flashed across his face before he smiled and slid his hand into Shane’s.

Shane grimaced when Dr. Barnes squirted the gel onto his stomach and began to spread it around with the wand. After a moment, she turned the screen so Shane and Hayden could see it. She began to point out little things that made up the baby that was growing inside Shane. Shane squeezed Hayden’s hand a little as he watched the screen.

“Do you want to hear the heartbeat?” Dr. Barnes asked after she had taken her measurements. Shane’s hand tightened around Hayden’s and he nodded. He watched as she pushed a button on the machine and then she moved the wand around a little on his stomach. It took a moment but then the room was filled with the sound of his baby’s heartbeat. It was fast, a quick ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump. 

“Holy shit…” Shane whispered. His hand tightened more on Hayden’s hand as his eyes began to sting and he felt a lump form in his throat.

“Heartbeat is strong and healthy. Exactly where we want it to be.” Dr. Barnes informed him. Shane closed his eyes and let the sound of the heartbeat wash over him and he felt himself relax into the table. 

“Would you like to know the gender now?” Dr. Barnes inquired quietly after a moment of letting Shane listen to the heartbeat. Shane could only nod. He could feel Hayden moving his thumb back and forth over the back of Shane’s hand. Dr. Barnes was quiet for a minute before she hummed softly. He heard Hayden inhale softly. 

“What? What is it?” Shane’s eyes snapped open and he looked at Dr. Barnes then at Hayden then back at Dr. Barnes. 

“It’s a girl.”

~~~~~~

Shane hates himself a little bit. 

He hates himself for letting Rozanov into that hotel room after that CCM shoot. He hates himself for continuing to let Rozanov into his hotel rooms and for going to Rozanov’s rooms. 

He hates himself for falling in love with Rozanov. 

Because if he hadn't done any of that, he wouldn’t be sitting on the floor of his living room, staring at the ultrasound picture of his daughter, telling himself over and over and over again that no matter how much he aches to hear Rozanov’s voice…he can’t call him. 

Not only does Rozanov not give two shits about him, but Shane would never forgive himself if he was the reason Rozanov’s career blew up. If it got out that they had been together, that Shane was carrying Rozanov’s child…Shane didn’t even want to think about the repercussions that would cause. Not only for Rozanov’s career but for his family.

Shane wasn’t stupid. He knew how things were in Russia. Maybe not everything but he knew enough to know that if this got out, Russia would not take it well.

And then there was the whole “baby trapping” thing Shane had seen online. 

Shane was not about to do that to him. Rozanov was under no obligation to help Shane with this. Shane knew that keeping the pregnancy from him was wrong and maybe he would tell Rozanov once she was born, but he had to make sure that Rozanov knew he didn’t need his help. 

Even if Shane wanted Rozanov more than he wanted to admit. 

So, Shane hates himself a little bit. And Rozanov a little bit too.

But, he can’t bring himself to stop loving him either.

~~~~~~

The next couple months were fairly uneventful. Shane ended up moving into his cottage after an interaction with a fan had hit a little too close to home. It had gone fairly normally until she had noticed he was getting a little rounder in the middle and started asking questions. His mom told him it was probably time to disappear from the public eye until the baby was born. So, Shane packed up what he needed and drove out to the cottage. 

Being out there made his mom happier too. It meant being closer so she could help if he needed anything and she could be more present for his check ups with Dr. Barnes. Most of his appointments could be done over video call but he did have to drive to Montreal once a month for in person appointments to make sure that Baby was growing at an acceptable rate and that Shane himself was doing okay. 

His mom was spending most of her time in contact with other teams across the NHL, trying to find one that was willing to give him what he needed for the end of the pregnancy and after the baby was born. And that had the salary cap and line space for him. None of the teams she’d spoken to so far had been able to. 

Shane was trying not to let it get to him. He wasn’t really succeeding…

~~~~~~

Shane was over at his parents cottage for dinner one night when his dad brought up the topic of a name. They’d known the gender of the baby for almost two months now but Shane had yet to pick a name, at least that he’d told anyone. Shane’s eyes fell to his hands which were resting on his small bump.

“I’ve picked something…I think.” He admitted. The truth was, he knew what he was going to name her the instant he knew her gender. He just didn’t know how to explain the name. And he knew people were going to ask.

“What did you pick?” His mom asked from her spot in the arm chair. Shane had started sitting on the couch with his dad so he could stretch out. 

“Um…Liliya. Lily for short.” Shane kept his eyes trained on his hands, one of which was rubbing gently back and forth on his belly. 

“That’s beautiful, sweetie.” 

He knew the name was probably hitting the nail on the head a bit too much and if he never got around to telling Rozanov about her and he somehow met her or found out about her and found out her name, he would instantly know. At least, Shane thought he would. A part of him hoped he would.

Liliya. Liliya Jane Hollander.

~~~~~~

About a week after Shane had revealed the name to his parents, he was sitting on the dock of his cottage, reading a book, when his phone rang. He picked it up and blinked at the caller ID. It was his mom. She had texted him earlier and told him that she was going to be meeting with the one of the last teams on her list that day. She hadn’t told him the team; she’d stopped doing that after the fourth team told them no.

Frowning, Shane answered and brought the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Mom. Is everything okay?” He inquired as he rested the book on his belly. 

“Hi, sweetie. Yeah, everything is okay. I just got done with my meeting.” She told him. He could hear her moving on the other end and then a soft grunt. She had probably just sat down on the couch.

“Oh. How did it go?” He tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice but he wasn’t sure he was successful.

“Actually…it went really well.” His mom surprised him by saying. Shane blinked once.

“It did?”

“Yes. They are willing to give you exactly what you need and they have the salary cap for you and the line space. They’re losing a couple players this year because they’re retiring.” His mom explained. Shane sat up a little bit in his chair. He could feel the hope filling his chest and tried desperately to push it down.

“Which team was it?” He was almost afraid of the answer. Please, for the love of God, don’t be Toronto. He knew it probably wasn’t, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Boston.”

Shane’s heart dropped.

Chapter End Notes

Hell, yeah!!

Dropping the Boston bomb on you guys and then running away.

See you guys in the next one!!

Chapter 6: Chapter 6

Chapter Notes

Two chapters in one day?! Who am I?!

Again, please don't hold me to this standard; I will not keep up with it. The only reason I was able to do this is because it was dead at work today and I had time. Heheheh.

Also! SURPRISE!!!! Another Ilya POV!!! I wasn't going to put it in but I figured it would be helpful to show how he reacts to the news of Shane getting signed to Boston.

Also, it took me entirely too long to figure out what month it was and I feel incredibly dumb. *cries into my pillow*

Anyway! I apologize for the heartbreak you're about to experience. I am off of work for the next two days so who knows what I'll get written.

This one is a little on the shorter side because I wanted to end it...where I ended it. So I apologize for that.

Enjoy!

Chapter 6

Ilya

Early November, 2014

Ilya arrived at the TD Garden arena for practice early, as he always did. As captain, it was part of his job to arrive early but he liked getting there before anyone else and getting a few laps in while it was quiet. It helped quiet the loud thoughts and calm him down. Today, though, he was meeting with Coach LeClaire instead of getting to the ice like he wanted to.

There had been absolutely no news about Hollander since the news about Montreal dropping him and no one had been able to reach him either. All attempts at contacting Hollander or his agent had been met with silence. There had been one photo pop up of Hollander with a fan two months ago in Montreal but nothing since. Someone on Twitter said they saw him driving to Ottawa shortly after the photo came out. Maybe he had spent the summer with his parents?

But there hadn’t been any news about him signing to a new team and the season had already started back up. Was Hollander coming back at all? Or had he retired? But if he had, wouldn’t that have been announced?

What the fuck happened in Montreal?

Ilya’s thoughts came to a halt when he reached LeClaire’s office. He knocked a couple times on the open office door. LeClaire looked up and smiled. 

“Roz. Come in.” LeClaire greeted and waved him in. Ilya stepped in and pushed the door closed behind him. He then stepped over and lowered himself down into the chair across the desk from him.

“Thank you for coming in to see me. I know you usually like to hit the ice before the other guys get in but I have some news that I thought you would like to hear directly from me and not someone else.” LeClaire stated, leaning forward on his desk. He clasped his hands together on the desk and looked at Ilya. Ilya liked LeClaire. He was a kind man. He took no shit but he cared about his players. He was there when they needed him and he always kept his door open if you needed to talk. 

“As you know, we lost a couple of our veteran players this season. We were able to fill one of those spots with a new player but we were having trouble finding someone to fill the other position.” Ilya frowned but nodded. The new rookie was showing a lot of promise. He was young and a bit cocky. Starstruck around Ilya and a little around Marly, which was weird. Ilya had a feeling the kid probably had a crush on him. Not that Marly was going to notice.

“We filled the other spot about a week ago. He won’t be coming in to play for another few months, though. He’s got some things going on in his personal life with his health that he needs some months off. We had no issues giving him that time, though.” LeClaire continued. Ilya was wracking his brain on who the fuck LeClaire could be talking about.

“Who is this other player?” Ilya finally asked. LeClaire leaned back in his chair and watched Ilya for a moment.

“Shane Hollander.”

Ilya really wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

~~~~~~

Ilya was having a really hard time focusing. He knew that Marly and Hammer were trying to talk to him but he couldn’t pay attention to what they were saying. All he could think about was his conversation with LeClaire.

Shane Hollander was coming to Boston. Was going to be playing on the same team as Ilya. Probably the same fucking line. 

Ilya hadn’t seen or spoken to Hollander since that night in Vegas. That night still haunted Ilya. The look on Hollander’s face as Ilya broke his heart followed Ilya around like a specter. A ghost that was attached to him and wouldn’t leave him alone no matter what Ilya did. Probably wouldn’t until he atoned for it.

Problem was, Ilya was sure that Hollander would never let him atone for it. No matter what Ilya tried to do, or say, he had royally fucked up. He was honestly dreading when Hollander came to Boston to play. But, what could be going on in Hollander’s life that he needed months off? Hollander was obsessed with hockey. It was his life.

What could be more important than that?

~~~~~~

Shane

Late December, 2014

Boston vs. Montreal

TD Garden Arena

Shane pulled his jacket closed around him more to hide his growing baby bump as he walked inside the arena with his mother. He knew that the chances of seeing Rozanov were low. They were arriving at the arena before the game had started but after the players had already arrived. The only reason they were there to begin with was because Farah and his mother thought it would be a good idea for Shane to meet with Coach LeClaire himself. He knew it was probably a good idea and he agreed but he was so fucking scared of running into Rozanov. He could not handle that right now. Signing with Boston had been stressful enough. And Shane knew that he needed to keep his stress levels down. 

Dr. Barnes had said that he was past the danger zone for a miscarriage but that there was still a risk of complications. Things happening later in pregnancy were more common in male pregnancies. Shane was doing everything in his power to keep himself calm. That’s why he entrusted finding a new team to his mother and Farah. He needed to focus on Lily. 

Shane couldn’t help the way his eyes bounced around the hallway as he and his mother followed another staff member down to Coach LeClaire’s office. He was on edge and had been since the plane had landed in Boston a couple of hours earlier. He’d barely been able to relax enough for a nap after they’d made it to their hotel, even though he had been exhausted. His eyes snapped up when his mother gently touched his arm. They had reached the office.

Stepping inside with her, he was met with Coach LeClaire. He’d seen the man before and had met him before as well but had never really had much of a conversation with the man. He knew that he was a phenomenal coach and that every player that had worked under him had nothing but amazing things to say about him. 

“Mr. Hollander. Mrs. Hollander. Welcome. It’s so good to see you.” LeClaire said, standing from his desk and making his way over. Yuna shut the door behind her and Shane and smiled at LeClaire.

“Good to see you, LeClaire.” She greeted. Shane simply nodded. LeClaire shook her hand then his. He smiled at them both then gestured to the chairs on the other side of his desk. They both took a seat and Shane allowed himself to drift. He knew his mother could handle this and if he was needed, she would let him know. She knew how tired he was and he had a feeling that LeClaire could see it too. 

Shane heard the crowd below the office begin to grow louder, chanting something. It took a minute for him to distinguish what they were saying.

They were chanting Rozanov’s name.

Warm up’s had started.

~~~~~~

20 minutes later, Shane and his mother were seated in the stands of the arena. They were surrounded by Boston fans. There were Montreal fans scattered here and there too. But this was a Boston home game so the stands were packed with Boston fans. And man were they loud. Shane leaned a little closer to his mom and watched as the game started. His eyes were immediately drawn to Rozanov.

The way the man skated was nothing short of beautiful. He was confident, strong and glided across the ice like a bullet. He was fast and the only other player that could actually keep up with Shane.

Fuck, Shane missed him. He felt Rozanov’s absence in his life like a weight on his chest. Seeing Rozanov on the ice now…it made Shane’s chest tighten uncomfortably. He could feel his eyes sting with the familiar feeling of tears building. He forced himself to take a deep breath and curled his fingers into his jacket. One hand found his belly and rubbed it. He hadn’t felt Lily move much in the last couple of days. He was sure it was just because he had been stressed about the meeting and then traveling. Babies and planes didn’t get along very well, even before they were born, from what he’s read. He was going to call Dr. Barnes tomorrow and make an appointment to see her when they got back to Montreal, just to make sure everything was okay. 

Shane leaned forward a little in his seat as he watched the game progress. The Bears had come out swinging and had managed to get a goal in on the Voyageurs only a few minutes into the first period. Of course it was Rozanov that made the goal. And it was an absolutely stunning slapshot to the upper lefthand corner of the net. Shane had somehow forgotten just how strong of a shot Rozanov was. And how fucking beautiful his goals always were. 

Fuck, playing together was going to be so much harder than he thought. 

~~~~~~

If you asked Shane if he had prepared for anything to happen during his pregnancy, he’d answer with a resounding yes. He had already babyproofed his cottage, set up one of the rooms in it as a nursery, got a crib and bought everything he could possibly think of. He was prepared for Lily to come. He asked all the right questions and had researched everything there was to research.

But research can only prepare you so much for reality.

~~~~~~

The second period had just started when Shane felt something…weird in between his legs. It was starting to get warm in the arena with all of the body heat from the fans and he was pregnant, after all. One of the things he’d had to get used to was the constant changes in his body temperature. So, Shane thought it was just sweat. He didn’t want to alert his mom so he discreetly slid a hand down just to see what it was he was feeling. There was definitely some moisture there. It felt thicker than normal sweat but a lot of things had changed since he got pregnant. He pulled his hand back and glanced down at it.

His heart stopped. 

It wasn’t sweat. It was blood.

That’s when the pain started.

Chapter End Notes

I'm so sorry. It will only get worse.

Please don't hate me!

Chapter 7: Chapter 7

Chapter Notes

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!

This is the chapter that contains the miscarriage/stillbirth. If this triggers you or will upset you, please skip this chapter. Please protect your mental health.

Try to enjoy??

Chapter 7

No, no, no. Please. Please, don't be what I think it is. 

Shane curled forward and clutched onto his mothers hand as another wave of pain coursed through his body and almost took him to the floor. 

“Mom…” He was crying and he knew it. And he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was bleeding and in pain and he didn’t know what was happening. And he was scared.

“I know, baby. I’m right here. The paramedics are almost here.”

The last few minutes were a blur for Shane. He remembers the first wave of pain and getting his mom’s attention but he doesn’t remember anything else. He doesn’t remember how they got where they are. Which is…a hallway?

The next pain took him to the floor with a soft cry. Distantly, he heard the sound of Coach LeClaire’s voice and then the sound of running footsteps getting closer. But his vision was narrowing.

He couldn’t breathe. It hurt so fucking much and he was so fucking scared. 

“Over here!”

That was the last thing he heard before the world went dark.

~~~~~~

Yuna

Yuna Hollander was a planner. She was someone who planned ahead and was prepared for everything. The one thing she was not prepared for, though, was watching her 6 month pregnant son hemorrhage in the back of an ambulance in Boston, Massachusetts. And she had not been prepared for watching him fall apart before being loaded into the ambulance. 

Shane was always so put together. He knew what was expected of him and he knew how to act in any given situation. But she also knew that this pregnancy had made him more scared than he had ever been in his entire life. And she had no idea what was happening right now. 

So, she sat in the back of that ambulance and she held her only son’s hand and watched as he drifted in and out of consciousness. The paramedics worked to keep him stable long enough to get him to the hospital where they would be able to do more for him and Lily. 

But she had heard one of them say that they weren’t able to find a fetal heartbeat. Which meant…

No! Yuna refused to let herself go down that road until an actual doctor had told her that.

So, she sat in that ambulance and held her son’s hand and prayed to whatever gods would listen to please, save her granddaughter.

~~~~~~

The ambulance ride only took 10 minutes. Yuna wasn’t able to go back into the operating room with Shane when they arrived so she made herself useful by doing the paperwork that the nurse at the check-in desk gave her. Once she was done with that, she made her way to the waiting room. Pulling out her phone, she called David. This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.

~~~~~~

Two hours later, Yuna was still sitting in the waiting room. She had called David and told him what had happened and then she had texted Hayden and told him to call her when the game was over and he was able to get to his phone. She looked up when a doctor came out of the doors that Shane had been taken through. 

“For Shane Hollander?” The doctor asked. Yuna jumped to her feet and came up to him.

“Here.” Yuna’s heart was in her throat. She had spent most of the last two hours praying, something she hadn’t done in…shit, she couldn’t even remember how long. She knew the chances of Lily being okay was low but she was trying to hold onto whatever hope she could. For Shane.

If he lost this baby, it would kill him.

“How is he?” Even though she was worried about the baby, her first priority was her son. He was her baby.

“Mr. Hollander is finally stable. He lost a lot of blood but we were able to stabilize him. He’s recovering now.” The doctor reassured her. Yuna released a breath and put a hand on her chest, trying to calm her racing heart. He was okay.

Now came the question she was dreading…

“And…And the baby?” Yuna had to force herself to ask. She watched as the doctor's lips pressed together and his expression turned apologetic. Yuna knew the answer without the doctor even opening his mouth.

~~~~~~

The room they had Shane in was nice. The doctor had assured her that it was private and everyone on the staff knew how important it was to keep the fact that he was here under wraps. There were other rooms in the hallway but they were all busy with their own things. 

Yuna sat in a chair next to the bed and watched her son as he slept. He looked so small in the hospital bed. His baby bump was gone and he was so pale. There were purple bruises under his eyes and his lips were dry. He had an IV line attached to his right hand and a heart monitor attached to his chest. 

She was interrupted from her staring by her phone vibrating in her lap. She looked down at it and saw that it was Hayden. The game must be over and he had gotten her text. She stood and made her way out of the room so she didn’t disturb Shane.

“Hi, Hayden.” Her voice was quiet.

“Yuna? What’s going on? Is Shane okay?” She could hear some noises in the background but not a lot, so he must have stepped out of the locker room to call her. 

“No, Hayden. He’s not. He’s in the hospital.” She found no use in lying or beating around the bush. The line was quiet for a moment.

“What? What happened?” Hayden finally asked.

“We were at the game tonight. We had flown down so Shane could meet Coach LeClaire. Everything was fine. The second period had just started when he started bleeding and then…he started having severe stomach pains. He couldn’t even walk.” She explained. She heard the sharp intake of breath from Hayden.

“I managed to get a staff member's attention and they called 911. And then they called LeClaire. He came up and helped get the paramedics to Shane. We got to the hospital about 2 hours ago.”

“And? Is he okay? Is the baby okay?” She could tell that Hayden was pacing now.

“Shane is okay. He lost a lot of blood but he’s stable now.” She hesitated. She heard him stop.

“And Lily? Yuna, is Lily okay?” Hayden asked. Yuna could feel the tears building. She took a deep breath.

“They couldn’t save her. They did everything they could but…”

“Fuck! I’m on my way. I’ll be there soon.” She could only nod before the line went dead. Yuna brought the phone down from her ear and stood there for a moment longer before going back into the room. She texted Hayden the room number as she sat back down next to Shane. 

She was glad Hayden was coming. Shane would need all the support he could get.

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane felt so heavy. And sore. He felt like he had just played three back-to-back hockey games and had been checked into the boards the entire time. His limbs felt like lead and his head was pounding. 

His awareness took a few minutes to come back. The first thing he processed was the steady beep, beep, beep coming from somewhere to his right. The next thing he processed was the feeling of a scratchy blanket under his fingers. He forced his eyes to open. The ceiling that greeted him wasn’t one that he recognized, at least not at first. He frowned and blinked a couple times, forcing his eyes to focus on the tiles above him.

They were white, interspersed with fluorescent lights that were currently turned off. He stared at them for a minute, trying to place why the tiles and lights were so familiar to him. That’s when it came to him. The beeping, the horrible texture of the blanket, the tiled ceiling, the lights. He was in a hospital room.

Why am I in the hospital? 

Fuck, my head hurts. 

He groaned softly, which got the attention of the two people that were in the room with him, which he had yet to notice.

“Honey?” A voice came from his right. His mom. He turned his head and looked at her. She smiled softly at him.

“Hi, baby. How are you feeling?” She asked, brushing her hand through his hair and over his cheek.

“Foggy. Head hurts.” He forced out. She simply nodded.

“That’s pretty normal.” She turned and grabbed a cup from the table next to her and helped him drink some of the water that was inside it. That helped him feel better.

“Sleep some more, baby. You’ll feel better.” Shane could only nod. His eyes were already closing and he was slipping under again.

~~~~~~

The second time Shane woke up, it was faster and he didn’t feel as foggy. He still felt sore but he came to quicker.

This time, he saw Hayden first.

“Hayd?” He croaked out. Hayden’s head snapped up from his phone and he smiled at him. 

“Hey, man. Good to see you awake.” Hayden’s hand rested on Shane’s arm and rubbed gently.

“How ya feelin’?” He asked as he helped Shane sit up in the bed. Shane took a little longer to answer this time, actually taking stock of his body. He still felt sore and heavy but it was a lot better than the first time he woke up. But he also felt…wrong?

“Sore. Heavy. Weird?” He answered. Hayden nodded.

“What happened?” Shane asked. Hayden blinked a couple times then looked across Shane, panic flashing across his face. 

“Honey…” His mom got his attention. Shane turned his head and looked at her.

“What do you remember?” She asked, taking his other hand, being careful of his IV line. Shane frowned a little. He tried to think back.

He remembered arriving in Boston, getting to the hotel, trying to take a nap and failing. Getting to the arena, meeting with Coach LeClaire. Going to their seats and watching the game. He remembers feeling weird and then…

Shane’s eyes widened and his grip tightened on his mother’s hand and his eyes slid down to his stomach which was now…flat.

No, no, no, no!

“Mom…Mom, what happened to Lily? Where is my baby?” 

“Shane, baby… I’m so sorry. They…They did everything they could but…they couldn’t save her. Lily is gone, baby.”

Shane stared at his mother, his eyes bouncing back and forth between hers. He watched as tears filled her eyes and she shook her head twice.

His hands had found themselves pressed to his stomach and they curled into the fabric of the hospital gown. His body curled forward as his breath caught in his chest.

Then a ragged wail tore its way from his throat.

Chapter End Notes

This chapter was actually really hard for me to write. As I said at the beginning of this, I have no experience with type of thing so I had no idea how to write this and make it come across as believable. I hope I did okay.

I am so sorry everyone. Please don't hate me. *Hides behind my computer*

Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Chapter Notes

I almost didn't update today because I have been on the verge of a migraine attack all day. But! I wanted to get this out to you guys because you guys deserved the comfort just as much as our poor baby Shanebug does.

So! Here we are.

A little trigger warning. There is some talk of miscarriage in this chapter as well, though its not as much.

I am so sorry for the agony that I put everyone, including Shane, through in the last chapter. It is only going to get worse before it gets better.

Enjoy this little chapter before we get into the bad stuff again!

Chapter 8

Hayden

TD Garden Arena

Visiting Locker Room

2 Hours Earlier

Hayden came barreling into the locker room after his phone call with Yuna like a bat outta hell. He didn’t care that he was captain now and he probably should have done some sort of speech to lift the team’s spirits after their loss against Boston. Shane was in the hospital and he needed him. So he was going to be there.

J.J. looked up from where he was tying his shoes and frowned at him.

“Capitaine? Is something wrong?” He asked. Hayden just began stripping out of his base layers as quickly as he could. He had texted Jackie right after getting off the phone with Yuna so she knew what had happened.

“Sorry, guys. I have to get out of here. Something happened to someone close to me and I need to be there.” Hayden said. He wasn’t about to tell them it was Shane. The only person in this room that still gave a fuck about Shane was J.J. Shane had given Hayden the okay to tell J.J. about the pregnancy so he was the only other person that knew. 

Hayden was pulling his hoodie on when J.J. came up beside him.

“Is it Shane?” J.J. asked quietly. Hayden simply nodded. 

“I’ll text you the details later. I have to go, man.” Hayden said, shoving his feet into his sneakers. 

“Go. I will take care of your gear.” J.J. insisted, practically shoving Hayden out of the room.

“Thank you, man. I owe you.” Hayden called as he ran out of the room and down the hall. He almost ran right into Ilya fucking Rozanov.

“The fuck, Pike? Is locker room on fire?” Rozanov asked, pulling his infuriating smirk. Hayden rolled his eyes. 

“Fuck off, Rozanov. I don’t have time for you.” Hayden snapped, shoving past him and taking off down the tunnel. 

~~~~~~

Boston General Hospital

Hayden Pike prided himself on being a fairly strong man, emotionally. He held himself together when they found out they were pregnant the first time and Jackie was so fucking terrified that she was considering getting an abortion. He held himself together during the birth of their first children, their beautiful twin girls. And he held himself together through each of his other children’s births. 

He was also the one that held Shane when he found out the gender of his baby and heard the heartbeat for the first time. He thought he could keep himself emotionally together pretty well.

But hearing the sound that came out of his best friend when he found out that he had lost his baby… And then watching as his best friend crumbled…

Hayden wasn’t strong enough for that. He sat in that chair, frozen, and watched Yuna wrap Shane in her arms and rock him back and forth as heart breaking sobs wracked his body.

Hayden flinched as another horrible, almost inhuman wail ripped its way out of Shane’s throat. He felt his own tears falling down his cheeks. He rose from his chair and sat on the bed with Yuna and Shane. He reached over and took one of Shane’s hands and gripped it tightly. This was all he could do.

~~~~~~

Shane

1 Hour Later

Shane didn’t remember falling asleep. He frowned as he forced his eyes open.

“Mom…?” He croaked out. He heard a chair creak and then he saw Hayden come into his field of vision.

“Hayd…?”

“Hey, buddy. Your mom went to find something to eat.” He said. He helped Shane sit up then grabbed the water off the bedside table and helped him drink some. Shane was exhausted and leaned on Hayden. 

“How are you feeling?” Hayden asked. Shane shrugged a little. He still felt sore but now he felt…empty. His baby was gone. He had gone through so much to be ready for Lily and now…she was just… gone.

“I’m so sorry, Shane. I…I wish there was something I could do or say. I can’t imagine how you feel right now.” Hayden started.

“Hayd… I can’t…Not right now…” Shane said. Hayden stopped talking and just nodded. 

“Yeah…Got it.” 

Hayden fell quiet and rubbed his hand up and down Shane’s arm. Shane found himself staring blankly at the foot of the bed. 

A few minutes later, Shane heard buzzing. Hayden shifted under Shane and pulled his phone out. 

“Sorry, man. It’s Jackie. I can call her later.” Shane shook his head and slowly sat up off Hayden’s chest.

“It’s fine. You can talk to her.” He knew that Hayden was worried about him but he couldn’t really bring himself to care. He couldn’t care about anything right now. Distantly, he heard Hayden leave the room.

Shane was now alone. He shifted in the bed and pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. His eyes fixed on the window and he let his mind drift.

He wasn’t sure how long it was before he heard the door to his room open again. He figured it was either Hayden or his mom so he didn’t bother looking over. 

“Um, hi…” an unfamiliar voice said. He blinked once and turned his head. He was met with a woman in a hospital gown. She was older than him but not by much, probably early 30’s. She looked tired but also…nervous? He frowned.

“I, um…I heard you earlier. Screaming.” The woman said, slowly coming closer to him. He blinked again. He knew he was probably still in the maternity ward which meant she had probably just had a baby. So, him having the worst day of his life had probably ruined everyone else’s day that happened to be on this floor. 

“Sorry if I disturbed you.” He managed to say, but his tone was completely flat. There was no emotion in it at all. 

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I…I asked my nurse what had happened and she…she told me that…you lost your baby?” the woman tentatively asked. Shane nodded once. The woman’s face fell and she nodded solemnly.

“My name is Tara. What’s yours?” She had moved closer. Shane must have drifted again.

“Shane.” Tara smiled a tiny bit.

“How far along were you, Shane?” Shane stared at her as she lowered herself into the chair that Hayden had been occupying.

“6 months.” Shane finally managed to say. Tara’s eyes shone with unshed tears.

“I’m so sorry, Shane. That’s awful. I know what you’re going through, though.” She said after a moment. Shane frowned a bit.

“I’ve had two miscarriages. Before today.” She revealed. Shane found himself shifting to face her a little bit. 

“I’m sorry.” He said. He wasn’t sure what else to say. “You had a baby today, right?” Tara nodded.

“A boy. What were you gonna have?” Shane’s eyes fell to the bed again.

“A girl.” He whispered. “What was her name?” Tara asked quietly.

“Liliya. Lily.”

“That’s beautiful. My first miscarriage was a boy. The second was a girl. The boy was going to be Noah and the girl was going to be Madison.” There was something…calming about this conversation. Tara knew what he was going through. She’d been through it. Twice.

“What did you name your baby that you had today?” Shane didn’t know why he was asking, but he found that he actually really cared. Tara smiled.

“Levi. We named him Levi. My husband is with him now.” Tara said. Shane felt the tiniest smile touch his lips.

“Levi…That’s a nice name.” He said.

“Thank you. Anyway… I just wanted to come see you and let you know that…You’re not alone. So many people have been through what you have. We see you, Shane.” Tara’s words helped. Surprisingly. He didn’t think they would. But, there was only so much that words could do.

“Thank you, Tara.”

“Anyway, I’ll let you rest.” Shane nodded and watched as Tara stood and made her way out of his room. He sat and stared at the door for a minute longer. Leaning back against his pillows, he looked back out his window. 

A few minutes later, he heard his door open again. This time, he looked over. He was again met with someone he didn’t know. Again, he found he didn’t much care. 

“Hello.” He forced himself to say. This time, it was a man in a hospital gown. Young, his age probably. Attractive in an adorable kind of way.

“Hi. Sorry, this is probably weird. I, um…I’m in a room just down the hall and well…I heard you earlier. We all did.” The man said. Shane nodded.

“You’re not the first one to come in here.” Shane told him. The man blinked then relaxed.

“Oh. I’m Zayne.”

“Shane.”

“Um…You lost your baby, right?” Zayne asked, moving forward. Shane nodded. He was getting tired of people asking that. Zayne nodded once then held his left arm out for Shane to see. Shane frowned and looked at his arm. 

Inked on his inner forearm was small handprints, the name Amelia and two dates. Shane blinked at it then looked at Zayne again.

“I lost one too. 5 months in. I got this a few months after I recovered. To remember her. It's her name, the date I lost her and the date she would have been born.” Zayne explained. Shane nodded then looked back at Zayne.

“It’s more common for it to happen late in male pregnancies. I didn’t know until I joined a support group. My doctor had me on bed rest for pretty much my entire second pregnancy. To help prevent it.” Shane watched Zayne as he talked. Talking to Tara had helped but talking to Zayne…that was helping more. Zayne was another man. Who had lost his baby only a month before Shane had.

Shane opened his mouth to say something when the door opened and his mom and Hayden came back in.

“Oh. Hello…” His mom said, surprise bleeding into her tone.

“Sorry. I’ll let you rest. It was nice to meet you, Shane.” Zayne said, smiling a bit at Shane before turning and walking out. Shane waved a little and watched him. He sat in bed and watched his mom and Hayden come up and start peppering him with questions about who that was and what he wanted. 

Shane was so tired, though. He didn’t have the energy to explain. He just told them that it was someone who wanted to express their condolences about losing Lily and he’d explain more later. He knew his mom wanted to know more but she let it rest when he curled up and started to fall asleep again.

~~~~~~

When Shane woke again, he kept his eyes closed at first. Things were different in the room. Quieter. There were fingers running through his hair and he was curled around someone’s leg, his head resting in their lap. His body tensed and he felt the fingers still in his hair.

That’s when the smell registered. It wasn’t very strong or overwhelming. It was woodsy and warm. Familiar. Safe.

“Daddy…?” His voice was rough and it broke slightly on the single word. Shane hadn’t called his dad that since he was a child.

“I’m here, son.”

Hearing his dad’s voice cracked something open in Shane. Without even thinking about it, he crawled up the bed and curled himself into his dad’s lap. Which was a feat, considering Shane was taller than his dad, weighed more than him and was a professional athlete. But right now, neither of them cared much about that. 

Shane buried his face in his dad’s chest and broke down into tears. He thought he had cried himself dry. His dad simply wrapped his arms around Shane and began to gently rock them back and forth. This wasn’t the heart wrenching sobbing that had taken over Shane when his mother had broken the news to him hours earlier, though it was close. 

This was a boy, grieving the child he didn’t get to meet and clinging to his father while he broke into a million pieces.

And it was a father, holding onto his little boy and silently promising that he would be there to help pick up those pieces.

Chapter End Notes

Did I almost start crying writing that last little part? Yes. Yes, I did.

I absolutely love Shane and David's relationship and I want to expand on it as much as I can so expect more of that in the future!

Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Chapter Notes

Slight trigger warning for the end of this chapter.

I wrote the entirety of this chapter while at work.

Do I feel bad about that? No. I do not. I actually am quite proud of myself.

Love you all! Enjoy!

Chapter 9

The doctors wanted to keep Shane in the hospital for two days, just to make sure everything was okay and he didn’t start hemorrhaging again. Hayden and J.J. stayed in Boston that first night, not really caring what Thierault said. They did have to fly out late the next morning to make it to Buffalo for their next game, though they made sure to come and spend some time at the hospital with Shane before they left. 

Shane appreciated having them here. He really did. And having his parents there was helping tremendously. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to survive this if they weren’t here.

But they weren’t who he wanted. 

Shane would lay awake at night, staring out the window of his hospital room, wondering what would happen if he texted Rozanov. If he gave in to that all consuming need to call him. Would he come to Shane? Would he crawl into bed with him? Gather Shane into his arms and hold him as he fell apart? 

Shane knew the answer was no. That’s what hurt the most. Almost as much as knowing that his baby was gone. It was knowing that the one person he wanted the most…he couldn’t have.

~~~~~~

Shane stood beside his father in the hospital lobby as his mother finished up the discharge paperwork. He was staring blankly at the wall in front of him. That was something he’d been doing a lot, staring. He heard what was being said around him but he wasn’t processing any of it. He was the epitome of that saying: “In one ear and out the other.”

He just…didn’t care.

He blinked once, then twice when he heard his name being called by a voice that wasn’t either of his parents. He forced himself to focus on his surroundings again and he turned to see Zayne and Tara standing a few feet away. He blinked again. Tara smiled a little bit and Zayne waved a little. 

“Hi…” He croaked. He hadn’t spoken much in the last couple of days. He turned towards them more as they approached him. Zayne had a baby strapped to his chest. Tara didn’t, but he figured Levi was probably with her husband.

“What are you doing here?” He asked them. He hadn’t seen them again since that first day. 

“Your mom found us after we came to see you. She told us you were getting discharged today so we thought we would come and say bye.” Tara answered. Shane felt a rush of affection, the first real emotion beside deep, unyielding grief.

“That’s…You didn’t have to do that.” Shane shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets.

“We wanted to.” Zayne said, bouncing his baby slightly. 

“Thank you.” He said. 

“Here. I wanted to give you this.” Zayne said, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a business card. He handed it over to Shane. Shane frowned and took it. His frown deepened when he saw it was a business card to a tattoo shop here in Boston.

“Just in case.” Zayne said with a smile.

“Thanks.” Shane wasn’t quite sure why Zayne was giving it to him but he took it anyway. 

“My number is on the back. In case you ever need someone to talk to.”

“And here is mine.” Tara said, holding out another card with a number on it. Shane blinked and took it.

“Why?” The question slipped out without Shane’s say so. He didn’t understand why these two perfect strangers were being so nice to him. Maybe it was his grief or his brain lying to him and telling him he wasn’t worth it. 

“People like us have to stick together, ya know?” Zayne said with a small shrug. Shane smiled a tiny bit as he felt tears stinging his eyes. Fuck, I am so tired of crying.

“That means a lot. Really.” Shane forced out. 

“If you’re ever in Boston again, let us know. We’d love to see you again.” Tara said with a soft smile. Shane nodded and watched as they left. He slid the cards into his pocket.

Maybe he’d be okay.

~~~~~~

His parents decided that he would stay with them for a few days when they got back to Canada and he didn’t argue. He couldn’t be in his cottage right now. Not with all of the evidence of a child he didn’t have still there. His dad promised he would go down and pack everything up and take it into town and donate it so Shane wouldn’t have to do it.

A part of Shane wanted to go with his dad but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He did ask his dad to keep the ultrasound photos and the first pair of baby shoes he bought for her. He wanted something to remember that this happened. 

~~~~~~

Shane stayed at his parents cottage for a month. He barely left his room. He barely ate. He barely slept. He barely spoke. He honestly didn’t remember much of it.

When he did sleep, it was fitful and his dreams were nightmares. When he spoke, it was only when necessary. He knew his parents were worried about him but he couldn’t really bring himself to care that much.

He felt empty. Hollowed out from the inside. Like someone had reached in and ripped out everything that mattered. Everything that made him him. It was worse than the grief he had felt when Rozanov had broken his heart.

After that month, he decided that he needed to go back to Montreal. Being here in Ottawa was reminding him of Lily too much. And being around his parents was too much. They were hovering.

He was fine.

~~~~~~

Hayden

January, 2015

Hayden had just gotten off the phone with Yuna. Shane had been back in Montreal for a week now and everyone was worried. Hayden and J.J. included. He was barely responding to texts and wasn’t answering any phone calls. Hayden hadn’t attempted to go over to his apartment yet.

Shane wasn’t himself. Not that anyone could blame him. He’d been through something traumatic and heartbreaking. Hayden couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like. He’d broken down crying on the phone with Jackie that night in the hospital. 

Hayden didn’t know what to do. He wanted to help Shane but he didn’t know how. Pushing out a sigh, he stood from the chair in his trophy room where he’d taken the call from Yuna and went back downstairs to find his wife. He found her in the kitchen, making lunch for their family. 

“Hey, babe.” He breathed as he entered the kitchen. She glanced behind her and smiled.

“Hey. Who was on the phone?” She asked as she continued spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread for Arthur. 

“Yuna.” He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned on the counter. She stilled for a moment then continued spreading.

“What did she say?”

“She was asking me about Shane. If I’ve talked to him. Which I haven’t.” Hayden hung his head back and stared at the ceiling.

“I don’t know what to do, Jacks. I know he’s grieving but I don’t know how to help him. And it’s killing me.” He lifted his head and looked at her. He found her already watching him.

“I know, baby. Me too. But, there’s only so much we can do if he won’t let us in.” She shrugged one shoulder. Hayden watched her.

“We just have to make sure he knows that we’re here for him. That we’re a safe space.” She rested a hand on his arm and rubbed her thumb over his skin and he nodded, relaxing under her touch.

“I know. I just wish I could do more.”

“You’re already doing so much, Hayd.”

~~~~~~

The call came a week later at almost 1 AM. Hayden wasn’t asleep yet and looking back, he’s really glad he wasn’t. 

He was sitting up in bed, scrolling idly on his phone, his brightness turned all the way down so it wouldn’t disturb Jackie who was asleep next to him.

The vibration scared him so much, he almost dropped his phone. He was about to decline the call…until he saw who it was. Shane.

He accepted the call as he reached over and shook Jackie awake, putting the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Shane. What’s going on, buddy?” Hayden asked as he sat up more. He tried to keep the panic out of his voice. He heard Jackie shift beside him and make a noise when she heard him say Shane’s name. He saw her sit up in bed beside him.

“Hi, Hayd…” Shane’s voice shook slightly. There was a slight echo that Hayden could hear in the background so he figured Shane was in his bathroom.

“Hey. It’s good to hear from you.” Hayden met Jackie’s gaze. Her blue eyes were wide. 

“Sorry. I know it’s been awhile. And I know it’s late.” Shane sounded like he felt bad that he was calling. 

“Hey, no. You can call anytime. I don’t care what time it is. I was awake already. How are you doing?” Hayden couldn’t help asking. He had barely talked to Shane in over a month. He was worried and honestly a little scared.

The line was quiet for a long moment. If Hayden couldn’t hear Shane’s breathing over the speaker, he would have thought the line had gone dead. But then…

“I’m tired, Hayd.”

Hayden’s blood went cold. It wasn’t so much what Shane said that made the hair on Hayden’s arms raise. It was the way he said it. He couldn’t describe it. But it sounded wrong. Hayden was getting out of bed before he even realized what he was doing.

“I know, buddy. But listen, it’s gonna be okay, you hear me? You’re strong and you’re not alone.” He pulled the phone from his ear to tell Jackie to call 911. He had a really bad feeling. He pressed the phone back to his ear.

“You still with me, Shane?” Hayden asked as he pulled on some pants.

“Everything hurts but I feel so fucking numb at the same time. I can’t do it anymore, Hayd. I’m so fucking tired. I tried…I really did. I need you to know that I tried.” Shane’s voice broke at the end. Hayden was out of his room, Jackie on his heels. He could hear her on the phone with 911.

“Shane…Buddy, what are you talking about? You’re doing great. You’re still trying. It takes time, ya know?” Hayden was praying to whatever gods were out there that he didn’t believe in. Don’t do this. Not him.

“You’re the best friend I could have ever asked for. I love you, you know that, right?” Hayden’s eyes were filling with tears as he raced down the stairs.

“Shane-”

“I’m sorry, Hayd. Tell my parents that. And that I love them, okay?” The line went dead.

“Shane? Shane?! SHANE?!”

Chapter End Notes

I told y'all it was gonna get worse. You didn't believe me.

I am still sorry, though.

Please don't hate me.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10

Chapter Notes

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!!!

Please do not read this chapter if this is going to be upsetting to you. I would rather you skip the chapter than be triggered. Please protect your own mental health. Thank you.

I received a comment that said something about how this scenario was hard for me to write and it is but not for the reasons I think many people are suspecting. I do not personally struggle with this type of mental illness. I'm not saying I don't have any kind of mental illness. I'm not diagnosed with anything, but somethin' ain't right up there.

This scenario was hard for me to write for two reasons:
1) I don't struggle with this so it's hard to me to grasp, understand and articulate it well.
2) People very close to me have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendencies in the past. Because of this is why I wanted to focus on Hayden for this specific scenario.

I am terrified of losing the people closest to me and writing this from Hayden's perspective was especially hard because one of those people close to me that have struggled with it is my own best friend.

I didn't want to write the perspective of the one with the tendencies and thoughts wrong so I focused on the character I could relate to. I also wanted to show that there will always be someone who will miss you. Someone whose life will be infinitely worse without you in it. For me, that person is my best friend and for Hayden, that person is Shane.

So yes, this was very hard for me to write but I had my reasons and it wasn't just to torture you guys.

For those of you out there struggling, who think the world would be better without you or who think things will be easier..... It might be for you. But I can 100% guarantee you, there is at least one person who wouldn't know what to do without you.

You can do this. <3

Chapter 10

Hayden

Hayden has never experienced a panic attack before but he’s pretty fucking sure this is what it feels like. His heart is racing, he can’t fucking breathe, his skin feels like its buzzing, his hands are shaking, his vision is blurring.

This can’t be fucking happening. That’s not what I think it just was, right?

He’s not sure how long it lasts but when his vision clears, he realizes he’s sitting on the floor at the base of the stairs and Jackie is in front of him. She’s just now getting off the phone with 911 so the panic attack must not have taken long. Hayden forces his lungs to cooperate and shakes his head to try and clear it. He had to get to Shane. 

Reaching above his head blindly, he found the stair railing and used it to pull himself to his feet. His legs were a bit unsteady under him but he forced them to work and pushed himself to the front door. 

“Hayden?” He heard Jackie call from behind him.

“Stay with the kids. I’ll call you when I know more.” Hayden was already out the door before he was done speaking. His phone was to his ear and the line was ringing as he got in his car. 

Pick up, pick up.

Nothing.

“Damn it, Shane!” Hayden didn’t want to, but he dialled Yuna. It rang 4 times before she picked up.

“Hayden?” She sounded groggy. He’d woken her up.

“Yuna. I’m so sorry. Shane just called me and…I think he was calling to say goodbye.” Hayden’s hands tightened on the steering wheel as he sped down the streets of Montreal towards Shane’s apartment.

“What? Hayden, what are you talking about?” Hayden swore under his breath as he ran a red light.

“I don’t know, okay?! I just got a phone call from him and I think he’s going to try and kill himself. I had Jackie call 911 and I’m on my way to his apartment.” Hayden snapped. He felt bad for snapping but he was so fucking scared right now and he had no idea what he was going to be walking into. 

“Oh my God… David and I are getting into our car and we’re on our way. Call us when you know more.” She demanded. Hayden nodded then remembered he was on the phone.

“I will. Bye.” He hung up and tossed his phone into the passenger seat. 

“For the love of God, Shane, tell me you didn’t do what I think you did…” Hayden muttered into the night.

The drive only took 10 minutes. Hayden did the absolute worst parking job he’s ever done in his entire life - even worse than when he drove Jackie to the hospital for the kids’ births. He practically jumped out of his car and he all but ran into the building. He’s pretty sure he scared the living daylights out of the security guard but he could not give two shits right now. 

He didn’t bother with the elevator; it would take too long. He burst through the doors for the stairs and began to take them two at a time. He was so fucking grateful he was a professional athlete right now. He was on Shane’s floor in barely a minute. If he wasn’t so terrified, he’d be impressed.

He was so happy he had a spare key for Shane’s apartment right now. Though his hands were shaking so much, he could barely get it in the lock. It took 3 tries before it slid into the lock and he got the door open. Rushing inside, Hayden was hit with an intense sense of dread.

The apartment was silent and dark. Shane was never a very loud person but after that phone call…

“Shane?”

Silence…

“Shane!” Hayden didn’t even think to take off his shoes as he ran right for the stairs. 

“Shane, fucking answer me!” Hayden yelled as he sprinted up the stairs. He grunted slightly as he slid around the corner and ran into the wall. Hayden was so happy he knew this apartment as well as he did right now. He burst into Shane’s room to find it empty. The bed was perfectly made and there was an envelope resting on the nightstand next to Shane’s glasses case.

Fuck!

Hayden looked around the room. Shane had called from the bathroom. His eyes found the door easily. It was closed. He went over quickly and tried the door. It didn’t budge. Locked…

“Shane? Shane, can you hear me?” Hayden called through the door. He pressed his ear to the door and tried to listen for any sounds. He couldn’t hear anything. 

“Shit…”

Stepping back, Hayden silently apologized to Shane for what he was about to do, and then proceeded to kick the bathroom door down. It only took a couple kicks before it gave. Hayden almost wished it hadn’t. 

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane was so fucking tired. He couldn’t remember ever being this tired, even when he was playing back-to-back away games and he was playing injured. And it didn’t even make any sense because all he was doing was sleeping. And when he wasn’t sleeping, he was either lying in bed, lying on the couch, sitting in bed or sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the wall.

He tried to go back to normal, he really did. He tried to get back into a yoga routine or a workout routine. But he couldn’t do it. He’d get to the gym or onto his yoga mat and he’d just…sit there. He had no energy or even the desire to do it.

He barely ate and he knew he was losing weight. Which is why he was glad that no one had come to see him. They would see how bad things were for him. How broken he was. 

If you had asked Shane outright, he would say that he’d hadn’t planned it. That it was an impulse. An urge he just couldn’t fight. And that was true. To a point. However…He’d had the note written for 3 days.

He hadn’t really meant to call Hayden but when he found himself sitting on the floor of his bathroom, he found that he really wanted to hear his voice one more time. So he found himself dialling the number. He knew, logically, that Hayden would know what was happening. But, he wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.

“I’m sorry, Hayd. Tell my parents that. And that I love them, okay?” Shane forced himself to hang up before he let Hayden talk him off the ledge he was on. Shane turned his phone off then put it onto the counter above his head. He then picked up the razor blade beside him and brought it to the smooth skin of his left wrist. 

He watched with an almost sick fascination as he pressed the blade into his skin and drug it across his wrist. He pulled the blade back and watched the blood begin to seep out of the cut and down his arm. He stared at the cut for a moment before he brought the blade back down and made another one right underneath the first one. He pressed a bit harder this time, making the cut deeper.

Distantly, he felt the pain of the cuts but he didn’t really care. 

Before Shane knew it, he could feel himself drifting. He looked down at his wrist and found he had made several cuts. When did that happen? The razor blade fell from his hand and his head thumped back into the cabinets behind him. His vision was darkening around the edges and his body felt heavy but light at the same time. He was cold but also numb.

His eyes drifted closed and his mind went quiet.

~~~~~~

Hayden

Hayden would really like to wake up from this nightmare. Like now.

He rushes into the bathroom and falls to his knees beside Shane. One hand curls around Shane's left wrist, clamping down hard, trying to stop the slow drip of blood coming from the cuts on Shane’s wrist. The other flies to Shane’s neck, searching for a pulse.

Please, please, don’t let me be too late.

He releases a stuttering breath when he feels a slow ba-thump, ba-thump, ba-thump. His hand falls from his neck to his shoulder and he shakes Shane a bit.

“Shane…Shane, I need you to wake up, man.” Hayden pleads, his voice shaking. 

Fuck, he’s so cold already. Hayden doesn’t think he’s ever been this scared.

Hayden’s head whips around when he hears the sound of voices from downstairs.

First responders. Thank fuck!

“Up here!” He practically screamed it. “Hurry!” His other hand tightened on Shane’s wrist. He could feel the blood seeping in between his fingers and soaking through the fabric of his sweats. He didn’t look up when the paramedics came rushing into the bathroom. 

He had to be pried away from Shane so they could work. He backed away until his back hit the door frame. He let out a choked sob and watched as they tried to save his best friend’s life.

And he began to pray.

Chapter End Notes

*drops this and runs*

I'm sorry again.

Chapter 11: Chapter 11

Chapter Notes

Hi! So, wow. Thank you all so much for the love on the last chapter. I was terrified that I had fucked it up. But you all loved it.

Things are finally looking up for our Shanebug!!

Chapter 11

Hayden

Hayden had never really believed in God. He used to go to church on Sunday’s with his parents and his grandparents when he was a kid but that stopped when he started playing hockey more seriously. They never had time during the season between practice and games. And in the off season, he was still training. He only went because his parents practically dragged him. He never really believed or understood what was being said.

But as he sits in the back of an ambulance, tears streaming down his face, watching as the paramedics perform CPR on his best friend…He finds himself praying to whoever will listen.

Please. I am begging you. Not him. If there is anyone in this world that deserves to live, it’s him. He doesn’t deserve to die. Please, help him.

Hayden flinches and his eyes screw shut when they have to use the paddles on Shane. Again. It’s the second time he’s crashed. He can’t help the broken sob that claws its way out of his chest.

Hayden is fucking terrified.

~~~~~~

It only takes them maybe 5 minutes to make it to the hospital. Which makes sense. It's 1 AM and they are speeding through the streets of Montreal. He jumps out of the ambulance behind the gurney and nearly eats shit but he manages to catch himself and run inside after the paramedics. 

He’s stopped by a nurse, who tells him firmly but kindly that he can’t go any further. He watches helplessly as Shane is wheeled through a pair of double doors, a team of doctors and nurses running after him. The nurse assures him that they’ll do everything they can for him. Hayden can only nod. He can’t think straight.

He forces his focus back to the nurse who asks him for some more information about Shane. He tells her Shane’s name, his date of birth and what he knows about what happened. He’s a bit calmer once he’s done.

He needs to call Jackie. Fuck, he needs to call Yuna. The nurse leads him to a waiting room and he pulls his phone from his sweats pocket. His hands are shaking and he grimaces at the dried blood on them. It takes him a couple tries before he manages to unlock his phone. He calls Yuna first.

She answers after half a ring.

“Hayden! Tell me he’s okay!” He’s never heard Yuna so freaked out. Hayden has to bite the inside of his cheek.

“I…I don’t know if he is…” His voice is quiet and ragged from yelling for Shane and then screaming for the paramedics. He hears Yuna break down sobbing.

“What happened, Hayden?” David’s calm voice comes through the phone speaker. Hayden takes a deep breath.

“He…He locked himself in his bathroom…I had to kick the door in. He’d…He’d slit his wrist…” Hayden had curled into himself a bit, clutching his phone tighter to his ear.

“There was already so much blood…The paramedics got there shortly after I did… I’m at the hospital now.”

“We’ll be in Montreal in an hour, maybe less. Thank you, Hayden. You don’t know what this means to us.” David said. “We’ll see you soon.”

Hayden hung up the phone, took another deep breath and then called Jackie.

~~~~~~

Hayden is still sitting in the waiting room when Yuna and David come rushing into the hospital. He’s on his feet the second he sees them then in the blink of an eye, he’s being crushed against Yuna’s chest.

He’d went to the bathroom and cleaned the blood off his hands after he’d hung up with Jackie but his shirt and sweats are still covered in dried blood. But it doesn’t seem like Yuna cares right now as she hugs him tighter than Hayden thinks he’s ever been hugged before. 

She’s buried her face into his shoulder and keeps saying “Thank you” over and over again. Like it was Hayden who had saved Shane’s life. Not the two paramedics who performed CPR and shocked his heart twice. But he doesn’t tell her that. He just holds her. 

They part after a few minutes when a doctor comes out and calls out Shane’s name. Hayden stays back at first but then David gestures for him to follow and Hayden is right there in an instant. 

The doctor tells them that Shane lost a lot of blood; he had to have two transfusions. But he is stable now and he’s going to be okay. She also informs them that he is malnourished and dehydrated. They’ve got him on IV fluids with nutrients.

Since it’s so late, they’re just going to let him rest but someone from psych is going to come down in the morning and take him to the psychiatric ward. The doctor looks apologetic when she informs them that Shane is being put on an involuntary 72 hour psychiatric/suicide hold. To “ensure he’s not going to be of further danger to himself.” She also tells them that he won’t be allowed any visitors during that time. 

It makes sense. But Hayden hates it. 

He follows Yuna and David as the doctor leads them down the hallway to Shane’s room. They thank the doctor and then they all step into the room and just…stand there. 

Yuna moves first. Slowly, she makes her way to Shane’s side. She brushes his hair off his forehead gently then strokes his cheek. 

David moves across the room next, coming to stand next to Yuna. He places a hand on her back then grasps Shane’s in the other. 

Hayden slowly walks to the bed and stops at the foot of it. He looks at his best friend and his heart breaks. 

He stands there and watches Shane breathe for a few minutes before he tells Yuna and David that he’s going to leave. He tells them that he’s going to go back to Shane’s apartment and clean it; they shouldn’t have to see that. Yuna promises to keep him updated on Shane’s condition and when he’s released from the hold. She hugs him again, kisses his cheek, thanks him again. David pulls him into a hug too. 

Hayden leaves the hospital. He gets an Uber back to Shane’s apartment. He goes inside. The front door shuts behind him. 

And Hayden breaks.

~~~~~~

Shane

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Fuck, that is so annoying. What is that?

Shane didn’t think death would be annoying. He also thought death was supposed to take the heaviness away. 

It took a few tries but Shane forced his eyes open.

Death is…a hospital room?

Shane slowly blinked then looked around the room. He frowned when he saw his parents sat on either side of the bed, both of them asleep. His mom was leaning forward, her arms folded on the bed next to his legs and her head resting on her arms. She had his hand in hers. 

His dad was leaning back in his chair, his arms crossed across his chest and his head at an angle that was surely going to give him a neckache. Shane’s eyes drifted down and found the bandages wrapped around his left wrist.

He remembered the bathroom. Calling Hayden. Saying goodbye. The razorblade in his hand. Slicing into his wrist. 

I tried to kill myself…and I failed. 

His eyes fixed on the ceiling again. His fingers curled as his eyes filled with tears. The movement stirred his mother. Her hand tightened on his and her head lifted. Her breath caught when she saw he was awake. And on the verge of tears.

“Oh, Shane…” Her voice was soft but it was enough to wake his dad. He snorted softly, which would have been enough to make Shane laugh - in any other circumstance.

“I’m so sorry…” He whispered, his voice hoarse. His bottom lip trembled. He felt the bed dip as his dad moved to sit beside him.

“Come here.” Came the soft command. His dad gently wrapped his arm around Shane’s shoulders and pulled Shane into his chest. His dad’s scent washed over him and he felt his mom’s fingers begin to run through his hair as he started to cry. 

And for the first time since losing Lily, Shane finally felt that maybe, just maybe, things were going to be okay.

Chapter End Notes

I know some of these chapters are on the short side and I apologize for that. I'm trying not to bombard you guys with a whole lot of heavy all at once.

I'm gonna try to make the next one a little longer. If I can.... I'm off of work tomorrow, so we'll see what I get written.

Until we meet again!!

Chapter 12: Chapter 12

Chapter Notes

Okay, I know I promised a longer chapter this time and I'm sorry. This one is technically longer than the last one so I didn't exactly lie.

I actually really struggled with how to end this one. I thought about continuing it but I felt that where it ended was the best place to end it.

Things are finally getting better!

Chapter 12

Once Shane had calmed down, his mom told him that someone from psych would be coming down in the morning to take him. He understood why. 

He curled himself into his dad’s side and he found that he actually wanted to tell his parents about what he was feeling. Once he started talking, he couldn’t stop. He told them everything. His mom ended up crying by the end of it and his dad just held him as he talked. He felt even more exhausted by the end of it.

He didn’t remember falling asleep again but he must have because the next thing he knows, his mom is gently shaking him to wake him up. He whined softly and kind of buried his face into his dad’s chest. 

“I know, bud. But you have to wake up.”

Shane opened his eyes and looked around the room. His dad was still sitting on the bed with him, his arm still around him. His mom was in the chair next to the bed and there was a doctor standing at the foot of the bed. He suddenly felt very exposed. 

The conversation with the psychologist was uncomfortable but Shane knew it was necessary. He was honest with her, even though he didn’t want to be. The conversation only took about 15 minutes and at the end of it, she told him that someone would be in shortly to take him up to the psychiatric wing for his 72 hour hold. He nodded and watched her leave. 

This would be good for him.

~~~~~~

Yuna

Shane had been at the psychiatric facility for a day when David brought up the subject of talking to LeClaire. She’d been so focused on Shane and taking care of him the last month that she hadn’t even thought about that. 

So, taking a seat in her office, she dialled Coach LeClaire’s number and placed it on speaker. It rang a couple times before he answered.

“Mrs. Hollander. I was hoping to hear from you.” He said. She smiled slightly. She liked LeClaire. As much as she didn’t quite like his team, she liked him. He was a good man and he cared about the men on his team.

“LeClaire. I’m sorry for not reaching out sooner.” She said, rubbing a hand over her face. God, she was tired.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I know you have a lot on your plate right now.” LeClaire offered. Yuna relaxed a little bit. 

“Thank you, LeClaire.”

“How is Shane?” He finally dropped the bomb. She was honestly glad that he asked as she genuinely wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. 

“Not good, honestly. He…He lost the baby.” Yuna said after a moment of silence. She heard LeClaire let out a breath.

“Fuck…I’m sorry, Yuna. That’s…” He seemed at a loss for words and honestly, she didn’t blame him.

“It’s alright. I understand. He’s not doing very well with it. I’m not sure when he’s going to be able to come and play. I’m sorry.” She hadn’t even thought about the contract with the Bears lately.

“No. Absolutely not. You don’t worry about that. You need to focus on Shane right now, nothing else. I will handle management, if they ask.” He said and the last of the tension she had been carrying bled from her. 

“Thank you, Ben. That means a lot. Either myself or Farah will reach out when Shane is ready.” 

“I look forward to it. But you focus on him, okay?” Yuna found herself smiling.

“Okay.”

~~~~~~

Ilya

February, 2015

Rumors in the locker room were getting worse. They were now about 5 months into the season and the empty roster spot hadn’t been filled. At least not that the rest of the team knew. 

Ilya knew who the new player was but he hadn’t been given permission to tell the rest of the team. He also hadn’t been given any new information about Hollander and when he would be starting.

Ilya was starting to get tired of all the rumors and all of the questions he was getting. Because he was the captain so of course he knew what was going on, right?

That is what led Ilya to coming to LeClaire’s office before practice one day. He knocks lightly on the door. The door is open as it always is. But LeClaire is on the phone.

He looks at Ilya and smiles. He gestures for Ilya to come in and have a seat and he mouths to Ilya that he’s almost done. Ilya sits down and shifts a bit uncomfortably. He feels like he’s intruding.

“I look forward to it. But you focus on him, okay?” He hears LeClaire say. Ilya tries not to eavesdrop but it’s hard not to when he’s sitting in such close proximity. He finds himself looking at the whiteboard off to the side and tapping his fingers on his thigh.

“Yeah. It was good talking to you, too. Bye.” LeClaire finishes his call and puts his cell phone down. Ilya brings his eyes back to his coach.

“Sorry about that, Roz.” Ilya shakes his head as he watches LeClaire take a sip of his coffee.

“Is okay. Did not mean to interrupt your call.” Ilya said with a shrug. LeClaire shook his head.

“You didn’t. I was almost done. Is everything okay?” LeCLaire asked as he put his coffee down. Ilya hesitated a little.

“There is…lot of rumors in locker room about new player. There has been no news about Hollander since you told me he is going to play for us.” Ilya just said it. There was no use in hiding it. 

“Ah…yes. I am not surprised. I’m sorry that I haven’t told you any more.” LeClaire nodded thoughtfully. Ilya simply watched him.

“I’m not sure when Hollander will be coming to play for us. He had a…health scare and his mother let me know that he needs to take some personal time. You can go ahead and tell the team that he’s the new player but that you don’t know when he’ll be starting. I understand it's frustrating not knowing.”

Ilya’s heart stopped at the words “health scare”. What?

“Is okay. I understand.”

Ilya left LeClaire’s office and went to the locker room. He could hear the others already in there before he’d even made it inside. Hammersmith and Carmichael were arguing over whose turn it was to play music, Marlow was yelling across the room at Connors about…something, who the fuck knows with those two. St-Simon and Sebbin were laughing, either at Marly and Connors or Hammer and Carmy. Ilya loved this team, he really did, but fuck were they idiots. 

He came into the locker room and everything stopped. They all knew he was going to be asking LeClaire about the new player today and they were all very invested in what he had learned. He smirked and slowly walked to his stall and sat down. The room sat in silence and every player watched him. He could feel the suspense.

“Oh, come on, Roz! Just tell us what he said!” Hammer finally broke the silence. Ilya tilted his head back and laughed. 

“Okay, okay! I will tell you what I found out.” Ilya held his hands out, placatingly. Everyone made their way to their stalls and sat down then turned to face him. He felt like he was giving a speech before a game. 

“There is another player that will be playing with us. They filled other spot. I will not lie and say I did not know who it was because I did. But I was not allowed to say who it was so you cannot be mad at me!” He said, pointing a finger at them all when sounds of outrage and betrayal rang through the room. 

“So, who’s the other player?” Connors asked, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Before I tell you, Coach told me today that he does not know when he will be playing with us. He had something happen with his health and needed to take some personal time. So it may be some time before he is here.” Ilya said. The energy in the room seemed to dim at that revelation. No one wanted to hear about someone having health problems, even if they didn’t know the person.

Unless it was Dallas Kent. Fuck Dallas Kent.

“The other player is…” Ilya paused for dramatic effect. Every person in the room leaned forward. “Shane Hollander.”

The room descended into madness.

~~~~~~

Yuna

Yuna had been expecting a call from the psychiatric facility at the 72 hour mark. They had told her that they would call her when they had more information about when Shane was going to be released. She was prepared for a lot. Medication regimens, therapy schedules, whatever they were going to suggest, she was going to do. What ended up happening, though, she was not prepared for.

The phone call came at 10 AM. She was in the kitchen when the phone rang. She didn’t even hear it ringing until David came into the kitchen carrying it. She looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

“It’s the facility.” Was all he said. She instantly came over and answered the phone and put it on speaker. He put his arm around her.

“Hello.”

The other end was quiet for a moment and then, “Hi, Mom.”

Yuna’s voice failed her. Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times.

David, bless him, saw her struggling because he stepped in and said, “Shane. Hey, son.”

“Hi, Dad.” He was smiling, Yuna could tell. But there was something else going on.

“How are you doing?” David asked. He held Yuna close to his side and took control of the conversation so she could recover for a moment.

“I’m doing okay. Better than I was. The therapist here is really nice.” Shane sounded so much better. He actually sounded…alive. 

“That’s great, Shane. Your mother and I are so happy to hear that. You have no idea.” David told him. Yuna could only nod. 

“Is…Is Mom still there?” Shane asked quietly.

“I’m here, baby. I was just a little surprised to hear your voice, is all.” Yuna finally found her voice. They heard Shane release a breath, like he was worried that Yuna had walked away when she heard that it was him and not one of the staff members. God, how badly had she messed up as a mother?

“Yeah…I know you weren’t expecting it. I have some news, actually.” Shane sounded apprehensive.

“Are you okay, honey? Did something happen?” Yuna found herself asking. If something had happened to her baby boy at that facility, she was going to sue the everloving daylights out of them. They were supposed to help him and if they weren’t-

“No, Mom. Nothing happened. Nothing bad, anyway. I’m okay.” Shane’s voice interrupted her spiralling. 

“Oh. Okay. Well…what’s your news then?” She said, pursing her lips a bit in embarrassment. David was smiling softly at her. 

“I, um…The therapist here, her name is Dr. Kaiser. She says I’m actually doing really well. She says that the routine here is probably one of the things that’s helping the most. She said that the choice is mine but…She recommended that I stay longer. Past the 72 hours.” Shane started. Yuna’s brain stalled. Wait…what? Stay?

“Stay? The doctor at the hospital said you only had to stay for 72 hours.” She said dumbly. 

“That doctor doesn’t specialize like Dr. Kaiser does. I’m not a danger to myself, not anymore. Dr. Kaiser said that once the thoughts of hurting yourself manifest, they never really go away. I’ll always have the thought. It’s having the urge that matters. I haven’t had the urge since I woke up in the hospital. But she said that I could still benefit from being here. She said that there’s a high probability that the urge could come back if I go home too early.” Shane explained. Yuna nodded. It made sense when explained.

“Okay…Did you decide?” David asked before she could.

“Yeah, I did.” Shane hesitated a little. Yuna felt her stomach clench.

“I decided to stay. I just signed myself in for a 2 month stay.”

Chapter End Notes

We got Shane, Yuna and Ilya POV's?! Who am I?!

The conversation with LeClaire and Yuna and LeClaire and Ilya was actually inspired by a commenter so you have them to thank for that. You know who you are and if you are a reader of comments, you also know who it was so please go give them some love!

Things will be moving forward and getting better in the next chapter to see you in the next one!

Chapter 13: Chapter 13

Chapter Notes

I know..... I didn't update update for two days. I'm so sorry.

Work was super busy on Thursday and I spent all day yesterday working on this chapter and then I went to an Off Campus Rave with my husband and my best friend. And then I had to work today..... I am exhausted and my brain is dead. So apologies if this chapter sucks. I spent a solid day and a half thinking about how to write this so hopefully its not absolute shit.

Please enjoy!

Chapter 13

Ilya

Late September, 2015

Ilya was sitting in the locker room with the rest of the team, getting ready for practice when Coach LeClaire came into the room.

“Morning, boys.” LeClaire’s voice boomed through the room, cutting through the chatter and the music. Every head snapped up and whipped around to face him. Cadyn, who was in charge of music that day, paused the song that was playing. 

“Do I have everyone’s attention?” LeClaire’s hands rested on his hips as his eyes roaved over the room. Ilya sat up straighter. This was serious. Murmurs of agreement rang through the room.

“Good. I received word earlier this week about Hollander.” Ilya is pretty sure he stopped breathing.

“He has arrived in Boston and is moving into his apartment. He will be attending practice officially on Monday.” LeClaire announced. Yup, Ilya was officially not breathing. He’s pretty sure his heart had stopped beating too.

Hollander was finally in Boston and was going to be at practice. On Monday. That was 4 days away. 

Oh shit…

Ilya felt like he was going to be sick.

~~~~~~

Practice felt like it was over way too soon. Coach pulled Ilya off to the side before he headed back to the locker room and told him that he had sent Hollander’s number and to make sure that Hollander was put into the group chat and that he was welcomed. Ilya could only nod. His mind was running a million miles a minute. 

When Ilya was back in the locker room and he had showered and changed, he finally grabbed his phone. He didn’t need Hollander’s number from Coach. His number had been saved in his phone since 2011. He scrolled through his texts and found his thread with “Jane”. Hesitating for a second, he clicked on it.

“Penthouse 1”

That was the last text that had been sent between the two of them. Sent in June of 2014. Over a year ago. The night that Ilya fucked everything up. He stared at the thread for a moment then navigated up to the contact and changed the name from “Jane” to “Hollander”. He then added him to the Bears group chat, affectionately titled “Bear Force One”.

He stared at his phone for a moment before typing out a quick message in the private chat with Hollander and sending it before he could talk himself out of it any more. 

“Welcome to the team.”

Ilya released a slightly shaky breath after the message was sent. He placed his phone down on the bench beside him, face down. He about jumped out of his skin when it vibrated not even a minute later. He picked it up and looked at the text. From Hollander.

“Thanks, Cap.”

This was going to be fucking hell.

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane grunted softly as he put the box on the counter of his kitchen in his new Boston apartment. Stepping back, he brushed his hands off on his jeans and looked around the space. It was nice. He had spent a couple of weeks deciding between this place and another one. This one ended up winning for a few different reasons. 

It was closer to the rink, a little cheaper and - the winning reason - farther away from Rozanov’s house. Not that anyone knew about that last reason. Shaking his head, Shane steps away from the counter and pulls his phone from his pocket when it vibrates with a new text. His heart jumps into his throat when he sees it’s from “Lily”. He unlocks his phone with slightly shaking hands and opens the thread.

“Welcome to the team.” 

Simple. Direct. To the point. Of course. Why was Shane expecting anything else? Taking a deep breath, Shane typed out a response that matched Rozanov’s.

“Thanks, Cap.”

As soon as the message was sent, Shane all but threw his phone onto the counter. Turning and shaking his hands out a bit, he took some deep breaths. He closed his eyes as he began to pace in a small circle and to count backwards from 100 in his head to calm his now racing heart. When did my heartrate get so damn high?

A minute or two later, he felt the small anxiety attack fade and he opened his eyes. Taking one more deep, steadying breath, Shane grabbed his phone again and scrolled through his contacts until he found who he was looking for. Pressing the call button, he put the phone to his ear and walked to his couch. He sat down as the call connected.

“Hey. You said to call when I got into town and got somewhat settled. Is that offer for dinner still on the table?” He asked, rubbing his free hand over his jean clad thigh.

“Of course it is. I’ve been dying to see you. Is 6 okay?” The smooth male voice on the other end said. Shane smiled and felt himself relaxing.

“6 sounds great. Where are we going?” Shane leaned back on his couch, smiling more at what he could hear in the background on the other end of the call.

“I’ll send you the name of the restaurant. It’s my favorite place to go and they’re great with kids.” 

“I’ll look it up. See you soon, Zayne.”

~~~~~~

Early Friday Morning

Shane sat in his car and stared up at the side of TD Garden arena. It was just after 6 AM on Friday. He didn’t start practice officially until next Monday but he had called Coach LeClaire after he had gotten to Boston last Monday and he had told Shane that he could come by before then and take a tour of the arena and get some of his stuff put in his stall. Shane hadn’t decided if he was going to do that or not. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to risk seeing Rozanov before he absolutely had to. But Shane also hated being unprepared.

So…He had texted LeClaire yesterday and asked if he could come by today and get that tour. LeClaire was, of course, completely okay with it and said he would meet Shane at the rink.

LeClaire had pulled in and walked inside 20 minutes ago. Shane was still sitting in his car. His stomach was in knots. His hands were sweating. His skin was tingling. He could feel a headache beginning to form at his temples and he could feel the tension in his shoulders. Shane leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. Taking some deep breaths, he slowly unwrapped his fingers from the steering wheel and forced his shoulders down away from his ears.

When he opened his eyes again, he felt better. Not completely relaxed, but better. Shane shut his car off and got out before he could talk himself out of it. He made his way inside and then down the hallways to LeClaire’s office. He still remembered the way from all those months ago. He knocked on the open door when he reached the office. 

LeClaire looked up from the papers he was studying and smiled at him.

“Hollander. Come in. Close the door.” Shane stepped in and closed the door behind him. He then sat down in the chair across from LeClaire. 

“Sorry to make you come in so early.” Shane said. LeClaire shook his head.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll actually get something done if I’m here this early.” LeClaire said with a chuckle. Shane found himself smiling.

“How are you settling in?” He asked Shane, leaning on his desk. Shane shrugged a shoulder.

“It’s an adjustment, that’s for sure. A lot more people than Montreal. But my apartment is nice. It's close to the rink. Only about 10 minutes.” LeClaire nodded along as Shane spoke, like he was actually listening which…Shane wasn’t used to. Thierault never expressed personal interest in his players. All he cared about was if you could play or not. 

“That’s always a plus. How’s unpacking coming along?”

“Slow. I’m pretty particular. But I’m finding what works.” LeClaire smiled and nodded.

“Sounds like my wife. Took her a month to fully unpack the kitchen when we moved into our house because ‘it didn’t feel right,’” LeClaire laughed as he spoke and used air quotes at the end. Shane found himself chuckling as well. This was different from the kind of talk he was used to. This was kind hearted teasing, not genuine dislike for his partner. It was…refreshing.

“It has to flow.” Shane defended. LeClaire leaned back and held his hands up placatingly.

“Hey. I’m not knocking it. If it works, it works.” He laughed. He put his hands down and his expression turned soft but serious.

“And how are you doing after…everything?” LeClaire asked, softly. Shane folded his hands in his lap and looked down at them. He had a feeling that he was going to be asked that. He knew his mom had told LeClaire about the stillbirth, considering LeClaire had been there when it had started.

“I’m…better. I had a really rough patch there for a few months. I fell into a really deep depression after I lost the baby. I actually…” Shane hesitated. He wasn’t sure if he should tell LeClaire this. He hadn’t told anyone besides Zayne about his attempt.

Taking a deep breath, Shane continued, “I actually tried to kill myself afterwards. I didn’t succeed, obviously. I spent a couple months at an inpatient facility to help with my mental state. And I kept up with the therapy after I got out.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Shane. I understand how hard losing a child is. My wife and I have lost 2 over the years. Before we had our son.” Shane’s eyes rose from his hands and fixed on a spot above LeClaire’s shoulder.

“If you ever need to talk or are having a bad day, just let me know and we’ll work around it. Have you found a therapist here in Boston yet?” LeClaire asked. Shane shook his head.

“Not yet. My therapist back in Montreal recommended one and I have an appointment with her after practice on Tuesday so we’ll see how it goes.” Shane told him. LeClaire nodded.

“Well, don’t stay with her just because she’s the first one you see. Not every therapist is the right one for you. If she doesn’t feel right, find a new one. I can get you the name and number for the one my wife sees. She’s amazing and my wife has nothing but good things to say about her.” Shane found himself relaxing more.

“That’s…Thank you, Coach. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Alright. Enough heavy. Ready for that tour?”

“Yes, sir.”

~~~~~~

Monday

If you had asked Shane if he had thought about seeing Rozanov again after that fateful night in Vegas over a year ago, he would say that yes, he had. But, he had expected to have a baby on his hip the next time he saw Rozanov. Not months of trauma and scars he wasn’t sure how to hide. 

Shane had been up since 5 AM. And he had slept like shit. He thought he was prepared to see Rozanov, but apparently his anxiety was telling him a different story. He had no idea how Rozanov was going to act. Would he ignore him? Would he treat him like his other teammates? Would he be cold? It was safe to say Shane was panicking.

No matter what happened, it was going to be awkward as fuck.

~~~~~~

Shane arrived at the rink early. He’d always liked to be early and even if he wasn’t captain anymore, he still wanted to keep up that routine. Routine was good for him, Dr. Kaiser had said. He was hoping he’d be the first one there. 

Of course he wasn’t. There was another car in the lot when he pulled it. It wasn’t an obnoxious sports car so it obviously wasn’t Rozanov’s which helped ease some of Shane’s anxiety. Shane got out and grabbed his gear and made his way inside. He didn’t hear any music coming from the locker room so he didn’t think it was Carmichael, Cadyn, Feller or Marlow - based on the brief descriptions from Coach he had gotten earlier in the week.

Shane entered the locker room and stopped dead in his tracks when he came face to face with Ilya Rozanov.

Fuck…

Chapter End Notes

Oh shit!!

We're finally in Boston and we get a Shane and Ilya reunion!!

And are we surprised its a cliffhanger? If you are... have you been reading the same story I've been writing?

See you in the next one! 😉

Chapter 14: Chapter 14

Chapter Notes

This chapter was actually kind of hard for me to write because I could not figure out how to write their interaction. Also, in case you couldn't tell, I do not know enough about hockey to write about it.

I know its not the longest chapter and I humbly apologize for that. I tried to make it longer but I felt this was a good place to end it. I literally sat and stared at the document for a solid 15 minutes thinking about adding more. And everything I tried to add just didn't seem to flow with the rest of the chapter.

So! Here ya go!

Chapter 14

The only sounds that Shane could hear was a distant drip in the showers, the buzz of the lights above his head and his heart beating in his ears. His grip tightened on the strap of his gear bag. 

Rozanov looked…good. Of fucking course he looked good. Why wouldn’t he still look like the goddamn Greek god he always did? Shane couldn’t even pretend to stop his eyes as they raked down Rozanov’s body. Fuck, did he get bigger? Shane felt his mouth dry out as his mind supplied him with images of Rozanov manhandling him and throwing him around just the way he liked.

“Hollander…”

Rozanov’s deep, silky, accented voice jolted Shane out of the fantasy his brain had decided to throw him into - without his consent. Shane blinked and cleared his throat a bit. He fixed his eyes on a spot over Rozanov’s shoulder and shifted his weight slightly.

“Rozanov.” Shane was proud of how steady his voice was. He’d prepared himself for this. For working with Rozanov, for seeing him every day. He could do this. He saw Rozanov open his mouth to say something else but Shane merely pushed past him and went to his stall.

“I’d like to get on the ice, if that’s alright with you, captain.” Shane said. His tone wasn’t warm but it wasn’t exactly cold either. It was simply…neutral. That’s how Shane had decided to treat Rozanov. He was his captain, his teammate. Nothing more. If Shane kept them separate, this would be easy. 

He could do this.

“Right. Of course. The others should be here soon.” Rozanov said after a moment of silence. Shane nodded once and began to pull his gear from his bag. After a minute, he sat on the bench then leaned down and began to untie his shoes. He could see Rozanov moving around the locker room out of the corner of his eye. He almost seemed…nervous. Which made no fucking sense. Out of the two of them, Shane should be the nervous one. 

Once his shoes were off, Shane stood and began to undress. He pointedly ignored the sharp inhale he heard from his left. He might not be in quite the same shape as he was the last time Rozanov, but he was still in shape. But he also knew he had more stretch marks this time from the pregnancy. They decorated his stomach and went up his sides a little bit.

Shane was suddenly very glad Rozanov was on his left. He still hadn’t quite decided how he was going to hide the scars on his wrist yet. He could feel Rozanov’s eyes on him as he pulled on his base layers. He felt the tension in his body ease once the long sleeves of his compression shirt had covered his wrist. Shane’s head snapped up when the door to the locker room opened and he heard the sound of multiple people. He turned and watched as 9 of the other players came into the locker room. He felt his spine straighten. 

Cliff Marlow, Brad Hammersmith, Ryan Carmichael, Victor St-Simon, Connor Connors(which is the most unfortunate name Shane has ever encountered), Isaac Sebbin, Anthony Feller, Nathan Kovalev and Darren Kohn filed into the locker room. He watched as they one by one noticed him and began to freeze into place. Coach had told him that the rest of the team knew he was joining practice today but knowing and seeing were two different things. 

“Holy shit… You’re actually here.” Sebbin whispered. Feller smacked him in the chest. Shane waved a bit.

“Hi.” 

“Everyone be nice to Hollander. Is his first day.” Rozanov said from his right. Shane felt his shoulders tense. He wasn’t sure how to react to that statement. Marlow came up to Shane first and held his hand out. Shane took his hand and shook it. Marlow had a strong grip.

“Welcome to the Bears, Hollander. Cliff Marlow. Everyone just calls me Marly.” Marlow was huge. Shane knew - objectively - that Cliff Marlow was a big man. He was easily 6’5” and all solid muscle. He was also, Shane could admit, very attractive. Shane smiled politely.

“Thank you. It’s nice to officially meet you.” Shane said. He released Marly’s hand then turned to the other men as they all came up and introduced themselves. Shane made a point to remember all of their nicknames. He didn’t want to be the weird new guy that didn’t go with the flow and called everyone by their given names instead of the nicknames everyone else did.

There was Marly, Carmy, Vic, Hammer, Connie, Seb or Sebs, Fell or Fella, Kova and Kohn was just Kohn. He also learned about Donsky which was Tyler Zadonsky’s nickname. The others didn’t really have nicknames. He asked Marly why and the answer took Shane by surprise. 

“Roz never gave them one.” Marly said with a shrug. Shane didn’t think Rozanov was the one that had given everyone their nicknames.

“Rozanov gave everyone their names?” Shane asked. Rozanov had left the locker room to take a call so he wasn’t there to hear Shane ask about him.

“Mostly. The rest of us piped in for some of them. Like Donsky and Carmy. But he was the one that came up with most of them.” Shane nodded a little. It made sense, he supposed. Rozanov was a little shit and he liked to call people names. 

“Did you have a nickname back in Montreal?” Vic asked from across the locker room. Shane instantly stiffened at the mention of Montreal. He knew they were probably going to ask questions about his old team and he’d been…mostly prepared for that.

“Not really. It was mainly Hollander or Captain. Cap by some. Shane by those I was really close with. J.J. used to call me Capitaine.” Shane said with a small shrug. He kept his eyes on his hands as he laced up his skates.

“Hey…What even happened in Montreal?” The question landed like a punch to the gut. He wasn’t even sure who had asked. His fingers stilled in the laces of his skates. The conversation in the locker room stopped the instant the question left the lips of the player who asked. 

Marly, who was on the other side of Shane, hissed out through clenched teeth, “Seb, what the fuck? Roz told us not to fucking ask.” He then turned to Shane, “Hey, sorry about that, man. We agreed not to ask about Montreal.” Shane blinked once, then twice. Shaking his head he finished tying his skates and sat up.

“It’s okay. I understand you guys are curious about what happened. I would be too, if I was in your position. And I will tell you what happened. But in my own time. Okay?” Shane explained. The other players all nodded and he heard murmurs of agreement and understanding ring through the room. It threw Shane off a little bit. This entire team was so different from what he was used to in Montreal. It was definitely going to take some adjusting.

~~~~~~

Shane wasn’t expecting to be put on the first or even the second line. And he was okay with that. It had been over a year since he had been on the ice with other players. He was just happy to be back on the ice at all.

They started out practice with a scrimmage. Coach split them into two teams. He wanted to see how Shane worked with some of the other players. He put Rozanov in charge of one team and Marly in charge of the other. Shane was on Marly’s team, thank fuck.

The scrimmage went well. It was fun. Shane couldn’t remember the last time practice - or hockey in general - had been fun. Besides playing against Rozanov. He found he worked really well with Vic and Carmy. It was also where his own nickname was born.

The scrimmage was almost over and Shane’s team was winning. He was shooting up the ice and he had the puck. Rozanov was on his ass, trying to get the puck away from him. Shane glanced to his left and Vic was there, open. Shane passed and it flew right into Vic’s tape. A minute later and the puck was back against his stick. Not even 30 seconds later - right before LeClaire’s whistle went off, signaling the end of practice - the puck flew into the net, giving Shane’s team another point.

“FUCK YEAH, HOLLZY!!” Marly bellowed, racing across the ice directly towards Shane. Shane braced for impact. Marly slowed before he rammed into Shane and wrapped both arms around Shane’s midsection and lifted him off the ice, cheering along with the other members of Shane’s makeshift scrimmage team. Shane found himself laughing. 

They were heading back to the locker room when the name registered in Shane’s head.

“Hollzy…?”

“Ah…I was hoping you hadn’t caught that.” Marly was rubbing the back of his neck when Shane looked over at him. His ears and cheeks were a bit red. The sight made Shane’s stomach flip in a weird way that he wasn’t sure what to do with. 

“It just kinda came out. I won’t say it again if it bothers you.” Marly said in a rush, holding his hands out, his eyes wide. Shane stood there for a moment then smiled a little and shook his head.

“No. I like it, actually.” He watched as Marly relaxed and smiled, showing off his dimples. Shane really didn’t know what to do with the way his face heated when Marly smiled.

“Alright. Hollzy it is then.” Shane nodded once. 

“Hollzy it is.”

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya had prepared himself to see Hollander again. Or so he’d told himself. The reality of seeing him again was so much harder than he expected. Hollander was…stunning. As he always had been. His hair was longer and it was doing something to Ilya. It wasn’t too long, just past his ears and falling across his forehead and into his eyes the smallest bit. And those eyes…

Ilya could write paragraphs about Hollander’s eyes. While Hollander’s freckles had been the first thing Ilya noticed about the other man, Hollander’s eyes were the second. They were so expressive and were like pools of darkest chocolate. Ilya could get lost in them if Hollander would let him.

But there was something different this time. There was something darker in his eyes. A sadness that made Ilya’s stomach clench and his heart beat faster. He knew Hollander didn’t like eye contact but he had never had a problem with it with Ilya. In fact, he had always seemed to seek it out when they were together. Now, though…Hollander was avoiding it like meeting Ilya’s eyes was the worst thing that could possibly happen to him.

Not that Ilya could really blame him. Ilya had hurt him. In the moment, it had been purposeful. Now, Ilya regretted it with every fiber of his being. But, he couldn’t exactly take it back, could he? It had been over a year. The damage was done. He had fucked everything up and lost the one good thing he had in his life. 

Now, Ilya was going to have to make do with having Hollander on his team and watching Hollander make friends with the other guys. If Hollander wanted to put up walls between them, then Ilya would respect that.

Even if it killed him.

~~~~~~

Ilya was leaving the showers after practice and heard Cadyn whining about something. 

“Oh, come on, Hollzy~!” He whined, dramatically. Ilya raised an eyebrow at Cadyn and glanced at Hollander to see him smiling a little bit, which made Ilya’s heart skip.

“I already said I was sorry, guys. I can’t hang out today. I have an appointment. It’s been set up for weeks and I don’t want to miss it.” Hollander explained, pulling a hoodie over his head. 

“Okay so what about tomorrow?” Johansson asked from his stall. Hollander shook his head as he pulled on his sneakers. 

“I can’t tomorrow, either. I have another appointment after practice tomorrow. Maybe Friday.” The entire locker room let out a groan of disappointment. Ilya had made his way to his stall by now, which was - unfortunately - right next to Hollander’s. He began to get dressed as Hollander stood. He glanced over when he heard Hollander’s phone vibrate in his stall.

Hollander turned and grabbed his phone. He pulled up the text and his face lit up in a smile that Ilya had only seen on his face when they were together. Ilya felt anger and jealousy rise in his chest, hot and fast. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Hollander typed out a response to the mystery person then put his phone in the pocket of his hoodie. 

“I gotta get going, guys. I’ll see you in the morning.” Hollander said as he grabbed his gear bag. He was out the door before Ilya could even blink.

He’d seen Hollander smile when texting his parents or his old teammates, even fucking Pike. He’d never seen him smile like that except when he was with Ilya. And yet…he was smiling at his phone like that.

Who the fuck was making Hollander smile like that?

Chapter End Notes

We get the Bears being good guys and welcoming Shane with open arms!

We're also getting into some drama!! Ilya being jealous even though he has no fucking reason to be. Rude.

Who can guess what his first appointment is? 🤔

Chapter 15: Chapter 15

Chapter Notes

Holy shit, this chapter was a pain to write! It was kicking my ass!

I started it after I posted the one yesterday, worked on it most of last night, almost all of today when I had downtime at work and just now finished it. I got so stuck near the beginning; its not even funny.

Anyway! Here it is, please enjoy!

Chapter 15

Shane

His entire life, Shane had never thought he’d be one to get a tattoo. Sure, he liked looking at them on other people. If they were nicely done, anyway. But he never thought he’d get one. 

His mom always said it would ruin his image as “the Golden Boy”. Well, he wasn’t exactly that anymore now that he wasn’t with Montreal anymore. Most of the fans who used to support him had taken to calling him a traitor once the news had finally broke that he’d signed with Boston. It didn’t help that Montreal and most of his old teammates weren’t exactly stopping that narrative. 

Shane tried not to let it bother him. Try being the operative word there.

Shane had spent weeks getting ready for this appointment. Him and Zayne had spent many nights on FaceTime together, Zayne talking him through the entire process. Zayne had 4 tattoos total. He wasn’t covered but he had experience and that, coupled with the fact that Shane knew and trusted him, helped make Shane feel a lot better about the whole thing. Zayne was also the one who had drawn up the inspiration design that Shane had sent to the artist. 

Shane was…excited. He didn’t think he would ever be excited to get a tattoo but he was. He was excited about this. He found himself smiling as he drove through Boston to pick Zayne up and then head to the tattoo shop. He had asked Zayne if he would go with him because there was no way Shane was going to be able to do it alone. 

But he was also so fucking nervous. He wasn’t going to back out or anything. He’d already paid the deposit and he and Zayne had spent weeks on this. But this was a big commitment. And he wasn’t getting it in a spot he could easily hide. People would see it. People would ask about it. Rozanov would ask about it. But Shane was going to wear a performance sleeve until it was healed; to give him some time to try and prepare himself. Also to keep it protected.

Tattoos took 2 weeks to heal. If he could keep the sleeve on it for most of that and keep it covered, he could figure out a way to tell people. Tell Rozanov.

~~~~~~

The tattoo took 6 and half hours to do, which surprised Shane a little. He knew tattoos took a while depending on the size and how detailed they were but he didn’t think his was that bad. Then again, this was his first one, so what the fuck does he know? 

It hurt like a son of a bitch, though. And he bled, apparently. He wasn’t paying much attention. He had put his noise cancelling headphones on and had turned his attention to the show he and Zayne had gotten into. It helped him tune out the pain. 

But the pain was worth it because the tattoo came out perfectly. It was exactly what he wanted. He managed to make it to the car before he broke down crying. Zayne was right there when he did, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close as he cried. Once Shane was done, Zayne simply took the car keys from him and drove them back to Zayne’s apartment. Shane was silent the whole way back.

That was one of the things he liked the most about Zayne. He didn’t try to force Shane to talk. He sat in the silence with Shane and let Shane process the way he needed to. He was a steady, calm presence, like his dad. Shane was mostly calmed down by the time they had made it back to Zayne’s apartment. But he was exhausted now.

“Noelle should have just went down for her nap so it’ll be quiet. Why don’t you lay down for a bit?” Zayne quietly offered once they were inside. Shane simply nodded and offered a small smile and went to the couch. He laid down and curled up, making sure to hold his arm against his chest so he didn’t jostle the tattoo. Zayne came over and laid a blanket over him.

He was asleep before Zayne had walked away.

~~~~~~

Tuesday

Shane had his phone held to his ear with his shoulder as he came into the locker room the next day. He had sent his parents a picture of the tattoo yesterday after he had gotten into the car. He had then put his phone on silent and hadn’t looked at it until the next morning. His mom was - predictably - freaking out. He hadn’t told them he was getting the tattoo. 

“Yes, Mom, it’s permanent. No, I’m not getting rid of it.” He told her. He dropped his bag onto the bench, ignoring Rozanov who was already there. He laughed softly.

“Yes, you can see it in person when you come to visit next. Okay. I gotta go; I have practice. Yeah, I love you too. Bye.” He hung up and locked his phone and put it face down in his stall. Toeing off his shoes first, he pulled his hoodie up and off. He had already put his sleeve over his forearm to cover the tattoo. If he thought it hurt right after getting it done, it was nothing compared to the next morning. He’s pretty sure it was swollen and possibly bruised too. 

Shane ignored the throbbing pain in his arm as well as the feeling of Rozanov’s eyes as he began to get dressed for practice. He also ignored the overwhelming want to look back.

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya had slept like shit.

He couldn’t stop thinking about that smile on Hollander’s face. He knew that smile. He was intimately familiar with that smile. That smile was one of Ilya’s favorite things, right next to Hollander’s freckles and the smell of his mama’s old perfume. 

Ilya knew - logically - that he had no right to be jealous of whoever had been on the receiving end of that smile, especially considering how he had treated Hollander in Vegas. So why did seeing that smile directed at someone other than him make him so irrationally angry?

It was thoughts like that - along with completely unwarranted images of Hollander underneath someone who wasn’t Ilya - that made sleep flee from Ilya. He had tossed and turned all night. He got maybe 3 hours of sleep. So he was cranky.

He’d arrived at the rink a little before 6. He knew Hollander arrived early too. For once, he wasn’t looking forward to seeing him.

He was taping his stick when Hollander came into the locker room, on the phone with someone. It didn’t take long to figure out it was his mother. Ilya tuned out of what Hollander had been saying. He finished taping his stick and stood to put the tape away. That was when Hollander began to undress.

And okay, Ilya tried not to look, he really did. But can you really blame him? Shane Hollander is one of the most beautiful men Ilya has ever had the privilege to lay eyes on. He managed not to look yesterday when Hollander was changing but that was only because he got distracted by Sveta texting him about his father. Now? His phone was already safely on the shelf in his stall; he had nothing to distract him so…his eyes wandered.

Ilya had always had a bit of a thing for Hollander’s stretch marks. There was just something about them that drove Ilya wild. He would always trace the ones along Hollander’s thighs and hips and he had always ached to leave marks on them when he found his mouth in their general vicinity. So, it is absolutely no surprise when all of the blood in Ilya’s body rushes directly south at the sight of all of the new ones positively littering Hollander’s body. 

They…are…everywhere.

The ones on his hips and thighs have gotten longer and more pronounced and there are now some on his lower stomach, sides and obliques. They even go onto his back. Ilya feels like he is in the presence of a God. He has to consciously force his head to face the opposite direction and turn away from Hollander before he does something truly stupid. Like touch him.

Ilya excused himself and went to the bathroom where he - shamefully - jerked off and came within a solid 2 minutes. Which was fast, even for him where Hollander was concerned. He then stayed in the stall until he heard the voices of some of the other guys filter through the walls. 

Summoning whatever was left of his pride, he left the bathroom and entered the locker room again, avoiding looking at Hollander again.

~~~~~~

Today’s practice consisted of moving Hollander around on the lines to see where he worked best with the rest of the team. Everyone knew that he had spent all of his career as a star center like Ilya but they didn’t have the room here and their first line worked amazingly well together. Plus, it wasn’t fair to the players who had worked their way up to first line to be bumped down to make room for a newer player, even if it was Shane fucking Hollander. 

But Coach was playing around with things, finding what worked for everyone - not just Hollander. It was fun, if Ilya was being honest. And hockey hadn’t been fun in awhile. Well, that was a lie. Hockey had always been fun to him, especially here with the Bears. But, it had been awhile since it had been truly fun. Ilya was trying not to attribute that to having Hollander on the same team as him, something he had been secretly dreaming about for much longer than he wanted to admit - even to himself. 

He enjoyed watching Hollander work with the other guys. He worked really well with Vic and Carmy. They couldn’t keep up with him, of course. No one but Ilya could, everyone knew that. But he also worked well with Marly and Seb. He danced around the defencemen like they weren’t even there which made Ilya smile. 

Then came time to test Ilya, Marly and Hollander. They had never played on the same line before. In all the other lines, Hollander was center. He’d never been put as a wing. Ilya knew he probably knew how to play as a winger but he also knew that Hollander’s strengths lay in being a center. Ilya mainly played center as well but he could play wing just as well. Marly was never really center; he’d tried a few times and wasn’t the best at it so he stayed either as a wing or defence. So Coach put Marly and Ilya as the wings and Hollander at center.

Ilya had been playing hockey since he could walk, essentially. He’s played with many different types of players. He has never - never - been on the ice with someone and felt like he could read their mind. The way he and Hollander pass the puck between them without even looking at each other is insane. Ilya doesn’t think he has the words in either of the languages he knows to describe how it feels to be racing up the ice, puck on his stick, needing to pass it and just…knowing where Hollander is and passing it to him.

~~~~~~

Practice ended on a high note for everyone. They were all being loud and rambunctious, as they almost always were. Ilya was having a stupid argument with Hammer over which hot sauce is better on a burrito when he heard Marly ask Hollander a question.

“Hey, what's with the sleeve, Hollzy?” None of the questions any of the guys ask are ever offensive or meant to be. They are always asked out of genuine curiosity or concern. Ilya, however, is currently confused by this question because…what sleeve? He takes his eyes off Hammer who is across the room and looks beside him at Hollander and Marly. He then blinks and frowns because Hollander is indeed wearing a performance sleeve on his left arm.

He wasn’t wearing that yesterday, was he?

Hollander huffed a short laugh that anyone else who didn’t know him wouldn’t know was uncomfortable, and waves Marly off before answering, “I accidentally burned myself pretty good making dinner last night. I’m fine, nothing serious. I just gotta keep it covered for a bit so it can heal properly. I had this laying around and figured it would help keep the bandage from sliding around during practice and my clothes from rubbing and stuff.” 

Ilya’s frown deepened. That was a lie. Hollander just lied about why he was wearing that. Why would he lie about that? What was really underneath that?

Before Ilya’s thoughts could spiral any further, Hollander was gathering his things and was leaving, saying he’d see everyone tomorrow. He’d been one of the first ones to shower after practice. 

Ilya was left standing there wondering what was going on in Shane Hollander’s life that he needed to lie like that.

~~~~~~

Shane

2 Hours Later

Shane had gone into this appointment with high hopes. Dr. Karen Heisner had come highly recommended by Dr. Kaiser back in Montreal. He knew that staying on a strict schedule of therapy was crucial for him. He also knew that he had probably waited too long to get scheduled to see Dr. Heisner, but moving and getting his hockey schedule set up had taken up a bit more of his time than he had originally anticipated. But he got the appointment scheduled. He did what he was supposed to. He was keeping up with his mental health. 

Now, though…Shane was wishing he had checked on the reviews of Dr. Heisner before he’d scheduled the appointment. Because he felt like his mental health was in better shape before he walked into that office than it was after. The entire appointment was shit. Once he had made the appointment, he had contacted Dr. Kaiser’s office and asked them to send over his records, so it was easier for Dr. Heisner. And him. He didn’t exactly want to explain everything all over again. He knew it would probably be easier with someone licensed to help but he still wanted to refrain from it, if he could.

He knew that Dr. Heisner knew the situation. Shane had told Dr. Kaiser everything. Well, he hadn’t told her Rozanov’s identity. But she knew that they had been hooking up since 2010, what had happened in Vegas, what Rozanov had said, etc. Dr. Kaiser had told him - over and over and over again - that the stillbirth wasn’t his fault. It was a complication that happens with late term male pregnancies. The doctors had even told him that. It had taken Shane a long time to come to terms with that fact. But, he had. 

Dr. Heisner, though. From the instant he sat down in her office, she made him feel like he was the scum of the Earth. The shit stuck to her shoe. She told him that losing Lily was his fault. That he deserved to lose his baby and that he should have died in his attempt. Now, obviously, she didn’t say any of this, outright. And Shane might not be the best at reading in between the lines and seeing context but…when you don’t try to hide it very well…it’s not that hard to miss. 

Shane made it to his car and sat in it - without even starting it - for the longest time. He felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack but also like he wanted to punch something. Or someone. He wasn’t really sure. Once he felt the edges of the panic attack fade, he finally started his car and made his way back to his apartment. 

Once inside, he emptied everything out of his jacket pockets. He had an appointment reminder card for his next appointment with her. He didn’t even remember making another appointment. He was probably just so eager to get the fuck out of there that he was just agreeing to whatever they were saying to him. Shaking his head, he shuffled to the bedroom. He stripped out of his clothes and took another shower.

He doesn’t remember the shower. The next thing he knows, he’s standing at the counter in his bathroom in a towel, staring at his hands on the marble. His eyes drifted to the shaving cream by the sink from his quick shave that morning, then to the razor. He’s not sure how long he stood there, staring at the razor. His vision starts to blur because he hadn’t blinked in a minute. He forces himself to blink and his eyes stay closed for a moment. 

“Your fault.”

Stop.

“It’s all your fault.”

Shut up.

“You’re the reason she’s dead.”

No.

“You’re broken.”

I’m not.

“You’re defective.”

No, I’m not.

“No wonder he didn’t want you.”

Stop it.

“IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”

“SHUT UP!” Shane forces his eyes open.

He’s on the floor now, back against the tub, his legs pulled up against his chest. He’s breathing heavily and when he looks down, he has a razor blade clutched in his hand, inches away from slicing into the smooth skin of his right thigh. 

Shane sucks in a sharp breath and throws the blade away from himself, watching as it bounces off the wall and lands by the toilet out of sight. He quickly scrambles to his feet and runs out of the room, almost tripping over his own feet on the way out. He looks around for his phone frantically, knowing that if he doesn’t call someone - anyone - he’s going to do something stupid.

He finds it on the bed. He runs over and grabs it then collapses to his knees on the floor. It takes him 3 tries to unlock it because his hands are shaking so bad. He can’t breathe, he can’t think, his vision is blurring from the tears welling up in them. Once he finally gets his phone unlocked he almost blindly navigates to his contacts. He doesn’t overthink it, he just acts on pure instinct and need. He finds who he’s looking for and hits the call button.

Putting the phone to his ear, he whispers to himself, “Please pick up…please…”

The line rings 3 times before it connects and he hears through the speakers, “Hollander?”

Chapter End Notes

I told y'all we weren't done with the angst! Its better but we ain't done!

Also, I am so fucking proud of that section about Ilya being horny over Shane's stretch marks. I showed my husband(who is reading this as I post the chapters because he's read the books and he loves me 😁) and he did not give me the reaction I was hoping for. I will never write another section as well as I did that so please give that section some love. 😘🙏

Alright! I have a picture ready and raring to go of what Shane's tattoo looks like. I've got it all ready to post in its own separate chapter because its a huge picture for some fucking reason.

Who wants to see that?

Chapter 16: Shane's Tattoo

Chapter Notes

Okay, I quite literally just woke up and you are all chomping at the bit for the tattoo so here you are.

I've had this in my drafts since last night because I had to figure out how to actually format it so it was pretty easy for me to post.

Enjoy!

Chapter 16

Shane’s Tattoo for Liliya

Okay, first off! I did use ChatGPT to make this. Before you get mad at me! I do not have the ability to draw and any of the people I know that do have the ability to draw wouldn't have been able to get this made in enough time for me to post this. They also would not have understood the reasonings behind and I was not about to explain it. Also, my beloved tattoo artist, that I would have asked to make this design for me, moved to Texas and retired a few years ago(rude).

Shane had it put on the inside of his left forearm about 2 inches above his self harm scars. The tattoo itself is about 7 inches tall and takes up pretty much the entire width of his forearm(according to ChatGPT about 3 inches wide).

Chapter End Notes

I will be having Shane explain the meaning behind the tattoo later when people notice it but if you guys want, I can explain it in the next chapters beginning notes. There is actually a lot of meaning in the tattoo besides it just being for Lily.

So! If you guys want that, let me know!

Chapter 17: Chapter 17

Chapter Notes

This chapter took me awhile to write. I was stuck in my head for a bit yesterday about some things and it took me calling my husband at work to get me out of it.

I know its not the longest chapter, especially compared to the last one but I was struggling and didn't want to drag you guys through it with me.

Enjoy Shane having a hard time too!

Chapter 17

Ilya

Ilya hated phone calls. Especially in English. He preferred to text. 

Contrary to popular belief, he was actually pretty fluent in English at this point. Obviously, there were still times where he didn’t know a word or a phrase but he was pretty fluent now. But, he still hated being on the phone in English.

However, when certain people call, you answer. It doesn’t matter the language.

Ilya was standing in his kitchen, making dinner and listening to music. He had turned down the offer to hang out with the team that night. He wasn’t feeling it tonight. The food was almost done and his phone was playing one of his favorite songs when all of a sudden, the music cut out. 

“Какого хрена?” He groused as he turned to his phone. As he stepped over to figure out why, it started to ring. Groaning, he grabbed his phone. It was probably Marly or one of the other guys, calling to ask if he could come get them from the bar or something. 

It was not Marly or Hammer or Connie. It was the last person he ever expected to be calling him. He stared at the screen for only a moment before he answered and put the phone to his ear.

“Hollander?”

Ilya moved away from the stove so he could hear better. All he could hear from the other end was heaving breathing and what sounded like crying. 

“Hollander, are you there?” He asked, concern bleeding into his tone. 

“I-I’m sorry…” came the ragged, whispered reply. Ilya frowned deeper. 

“Why are you sorry? What is happening? Are you okay?” Ilya was starting to freak out. He could hear Hollander release a broken sob.

“I-I…I didn’t kn-know who else t-to call…” Hollander managed. 

“I’m sorry.” Hollander forced out. Ilya’s heart broke. He could tell that Hollander was having a panic attack right now. Hollander couldn’t breathe. Ilya needed to get Hollander to breathe or he was going to pass out. 

“No, no is okay. You can call me. You need to breathe, Hollander. You are going to pass out if you do not breathe.” Ilya said. He could hear the hiccup Hollander let out. 

“I…I can’t…” Hollander sobbed. Ilya pulled the phone away from his ear and let out a string of Russian curses. How the fuck was he supposed to help Hollander like this? Ilya closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths of his own before putting the phone back to his ear.

“Yes, Hollander, you can. Is easy, yes? You do it everyday.” Ilya told him, his voice soft but firm. His chest tightened at the whine he heard from Hollander. He liked hearing Hollander whine, but not like this. 

“You can hear me, da?” Ilya asked. He heard Hollander murmur a noise of agreement. 

“Good. So you follow me. You focus on me. Take big breath in with me, da?” Ilya instructed gently but firmly. He inhaled a deep breath, making it a bit exaggerated so Hollander could for sure hear him. He strained his ears and he could just barely hear Hollander pull in a stuttered breath. It wasn’t as deep as he would like, but it was something. 

“Good. Hold it. 1…2…3…4…5. Slowly let it out.” Ilya slowly blew the breath out, like he was blowing cigarette smoke out. He listened as Hollander slowly, brokenly blew the breath out, the sound crackling in the speakers. Ilya leaned on his island and closed his eyes so he could focus. 

“Again, Hollander. You can do this.” Ilya told him.

It took 5 minutes, but finally - finally - Hollander’s breathing was back to normal. They were both quiet for a while, Ilya just listening to Hollander breathe. Ilya opened his mouth to say something but Hollander beat him to it. 

“Rozanov…?” Hollander’s voice was quiet but it wasn’t broken anymore.

“I’m here.” Ilya’s voice was equally as quiet. 

“Thank you…” Hollander said on a sniffle. Ilya couldn’t help the smile that touched his lips. 

“Of course. Anytime. You are better now?” Ilya asked. 

“Yeah. I’m better. I’m sorry again.” Ilya shook his head.

“No. Is okay. I was not doing anything important.”

“Right…I, um…I’m getting another call. I should go. See you tomorrow.” Ilya wasn’t able to respond before the call was disconnected. Ilya slowly pulled the phone from his ear. Music began to play through his speakers again. His eyes found his abandoned dinner.

He wasn’t hungry anymore.

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane sat in a crumpled heap on the floor by his bed, staring at his dark phone screen in his hand. He was suddenly so exhausted. He knew why and he hated it. 

He couldn’t believe he had just called Rozanov. He had done so well over the last year, beating back his desire to call him. But, he just couldn’t this time. He knew that if he didn’t hear his voice this time…he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself from hurting himself.

Shane’s eyes slipped closed and his head lolled to the side, resting against his mattress. He just sat there for a few more minutes, letting the remnants of Rozanov’s voice soothe him. Finally, Shane forced his eyes open and looked back down at his phone. He needed to find someone to stay with tonight. It wasn’t a good idea for him to be alone.

He couldn’t ask Zayne; he was out of town visiting his parents for their anniversary. Tara and her husband didn’t have the room in their tiny two bedroom apartment. He wasn’t about to ask Rozanov - that was the worst idea ever. He didn’t know the rest of the Bears enough to ask them. He had practice so he couldn’t just go back to Montreal or Ottawa to stay with Hayden or his parents. 

Heaving a heavy sigh, Shane called the only person he could think of that knew about this problem. The line rang twice before it connected.

“Shane? Is everything okay?”

“Hey, Coach…No, not really. I’m sorry to be calling like this but…can I stay with you tonight?” Shane asked. God, he felt pathetic. 

“Of course. Do you need me to come pick you up?” LeClaire asked. Shane could hear him moving around on the other end. He was probably already getting ready to leave to come get him.

“Um…Yeah, actually. I don’t think I can drive right now.” Shane hesitated for a moment before answering. He didn’t want to inconvenience anyone but he also remembered what Dr. Kaiser had told him. There were people in his life that wanted to help him. He wasn’t a burden.

“I’m on my way. I’ll be there soon.” Shane could hear keys jangle in the background and then a door close. Shane felt himself relax some more.

“Okay. I’ll see you soon. Thank you.”

The call disconnected and Shane pulled himself to his feet and began to get dressed.

~~~~~~

About 10 minutes later, LeClaire was knocking on the door to Shane’s apartment. Shane pulled himself off the stool he had been sitting on in his kitchen and went to the door. He unlocked it and opened it, letting the other man into the apartment.

“Hi…” Shane breathed once the door was closed again. LeClaire was looking Shane over like he was looking for injuries. Which…fair. 

“What happened?” LeClaire asked. His voice was quiet in the entryway but firm in the same way that Shane’s dads would have been in this same situation. Shane took a deep breath.

“I had my first appointment with my new therapist after practice today.” Shane started. His eyes had drifted to a spot on the wall just past LeClaire’s ear. He could see LeClaire blink then nod.

“I remember you mentioning that.” Was all the older man said.

“It…didn’t go well. I should have checked the reviews before I booked with her but I didn’t. I just made the appointment.” Shane shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets. He could feel LeClaire’s eyes on him but they weren’t judging him.

“What happened, Shane?” LeClaire asked, his voice gentler than it was.

“She…She basically implied that losing Lily was my fault. Obviously, she didn’t outright say that. And I’m not the best at reading in between the lines and stuff but she wasn’t exactly being subtle about it.” His shoulders were rising with the tension he could feel entering his body again.

“It took me so long to believe that it wasn’t my fault and she just tore all of that down. I got home and…” Shane trailed off. His eyes had fallen to the floor. LeClaire stayed quiet, letting Shane find the courage to reveal the rest.

“I almost hurt myself again.” It was so quiet, he wasn’t even sure LeClaire heard it. LeClaire simply hummed softly.

“I’m glad you called me. Let’s get going.” Shane nodded and grabbed his duffel from the floor while LeClaire grabbed his gear bag.

~~~~~~

Wednesday Morning

Shane had been awake since 4:30, just staring at the ceiling above him. He had spent 3 hours talking to LeClaire and his wife, Charlotte, the night before. It helped a lot, more than he had expected it to. Especially talking to Charlotte. She took his phone and called Dr. Heisner’s office and left a message asking to cancel his appointment for next week. She gave him the number for her therapist and told him to call them in the morning and make an appointment with her for her next available slot. He promised her that he would. 

LeClaire convinced him to eat something small, even though he felt like he wouldn’t be able to keep it down if he ate. But he ate and kept it down. After they went to bed around 11 PM, he called his parents. That was a wonderful conversation. He cried, his mom cried. He finally fell asleep around 11:30.

Heaving a sigh, he pushes himself up and grabs his phone off the nightstand next to him. He powers it back on - he’d turned it off after getting off the phone with his parents. He blinks at the texts that come through once it’s on. They’re from Rozanov. He stares at his phone for a minute before he picks it up and unlocks it. Slowly, almost like he’s afraid to see them, he goes to the messages. 

There are 4. All from after his phone call with Rozanov.

The first is about 20 minutes after they hung up: “i am glad you called, Hollander. glad i could help”

The next is about 15 minutes after the first: “you are okay now, yes? you did not die after you hung up, did you?”

Then not even 5 minutes later: “Hollander? are you alive?”

The last one was 30 minutes later: “i just talked to coach. good that you are staying with him. sorry i bugged you. get some rest.”

He must have called Coach after Shane got off the phone with him. He must have been pretty freaked out that Shane didn’t answer him. Which makes no sense.

Rozanov doesn’t care about Shane.

Does he?

Chapter End Notes

Are we proud of Shane? I know I am. Are we also proud of Ilya for not being an asshole for once in his life? I also am.

Ilya and Shane still have a long way to go before things are okay between them but they're getting there. Baby steps.

Until we meet again!

Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Chapter Notes

Welcome back!

This one took me awhile. I had a hard time starting this one. I had a rough sort of outline of what I wanted to happen in this chapter but no idea how to string them together so I apologize if this isn't super coherent.

Please tell me if it isn't and I will do my best to fix it.

Chapter 18

Shane had only ever missed practice twice in his whole life. The first was when he was 10 years old and he got the flu so bad he felt like he was dying. The second time, he was 15 and had broken 4 ribs in a game where he had been checked into the boards so hard by every possible player.

He hated it both times. Today, though…He doesn’t quite hate it. He doesn’t exactly like it. But he doesn’t hate it. 

During breakfast that morning, Shane had asked LeClaire if he could sit out practice. He still didn’t feel okay enough mentally to be on the ice. Where he was going to be on literal knives and possibly thrown around.

LeClaire had been quiet for a moment before he simply smiled, nodded and said, “Of course. If the boys have any issues, they can take it up with me.” Shane felt himself relax.

That is how Shane found himself sitting on the bench with LeClaire and their assistant coach, Reilly, watching the rest of his team practice and run drills. A part of him is whispering to him that the team is going to hate him for not being present but he forces that part down and focuses on the ice in front of him. He watches his fellow players. Before he even knows what he’s doing, he’s leaning on the boards to see better.

A few minutes later, Reilly asks him, “What do you see, Hollander?”

Shane blinks, coming back to himself, and looks at him. “Huh?” Reilly smiles.

“You’re watching them pretty closely. I know you’re pretty observant. What do you see?” Reilly repeated himself. Shane shifted a bit and felt his face flush a bit. He knew he could come off a bit…weird when he was watching other players. Too analytical. But he liked Reilly. Almost as much as he liked LeClaire. Taking a deep breath, he started to tell Reilly what he’d been noticing. Little weaknesses, tells, things like that. By the time he was done, Reilly’s mouth had dropped open. 

“I didn’t think there were that many things wrong…” He mumbled. Shane instantly shook his head.

“No, they’re not things that are wrong. They’re things that can be improved upon. And honestly, they’re not things anyone but me probably would have noticed.” Shane said quickly. 

“Well…I’ll bring them up to LeClaire and we’ll talk it over. Thanks, Hollzy.” Shane simply nodded and sat back down. His attention went back to the ice. 

Back to Rozanov.

~~~~~~

Practice had been over for about 20 minutes before Shane got up the courage to pull on his skates. He knew most of the other guys had left already so the rink would be empty besides staff and admin. He pulled his headphones out of his duffel bag and connected them to his phone then started his music. Once he was ready, he stepped onto the ice. 

He wasn’t skating to practice drills, his stick handling, his shot or anything regarding hockey. He just wanted to be on the ice. Ever since he was a kid, being on the ice quieted his mind. It calmed him. Even when he was in a packed arena for a game, the instant his skates touched the ice, everything else faded away. The noise in his head went quiet, the buzz under his skin dulled, his senses focused.

This was his favorite place to be.

Besides Rozanov’s arms.

That thought came out of absolute nowhere and caused Shane to pause in his circling on the ice. Shaking his head to dislodge the thought, he pushed off again. 

He’s not sure how long he was skating for when he feels the telltale signs of being watched. Reaching into his hoodie pocket, he paused his music then reached up and pulled his headphones off his ears and turned to see who it was. He was expecting Coach or maybe - if he was being really honest with himself - Rozanov. 

He wasn’t expecting who was actually standing there.

“Marly?”

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya wanted to leave right after practice but he had gotten pulled into Coach’s office with Reilly to go over something. It turned out that Hollander had seen some things while he was sitting on the bench during practice and LeClaire and Reilly wanted Ilya to know about them so he could start helping with correcting some of them. It didn’t surprise Ilya that Hollander had seen things no one else did. He saw so much; some things Ilya saw and some even surprised Ilya. 

Hollander hadn’t replied to his messages last night, which was fine. At least that’s what Ilya was telling himself. He had called LeClaire in a near panic after the first 3 messages had gone without a response. LeClaire had seemed surprised that Ilya was concerned but when Ilya had explained that Hollander had called him having a panic attack, LeClaire told him that Hollander had called him and he was on his way to get him. 

Ilya had woken up to a text from Hollander this morning, though. Which made Ilya’s heart stutter in his chest. It was simple, to the point, which was all of Hollander’s responses to Ilya anymore. 

“Sorry I didn’t answer last night. I’m fine now. Thank you for your help last night. Sorry again.”

That’s it. And it was so Hollander, it made Ilya smile.

Ilya wanted to reply to it, but he didn’t. He was still worried about him, especially when Coach told them that Hollander wouldn’t be participating in practice today. And Ilya could see there was something wrong. His eyes were duller than they normally were with deep purple shadows under them. He didn’t sleep last night. There was a hunch to his shoulders, like he had a heavy weight resting on him. He seemed tired and…sad. 

It reminded Ilya of his mother. And that thought made his stomach clench and his chest tighten. He didn’t like the thought of Hollander suffering with the same thing his Mama did. It scared him. More than he thought possible. 

As Ilya left LeClaire’s office and made his way back to the locker room to get his stuff, he heard voices coming from the rink. He frowned. Everyone else had left. Hadn’t they? Ilya took a roundabout way to the rink and froze dead in his tracks at what he saw. 

Hollander was on the ice and looked like he’d just been skating circles or something. He was now leaning on the boards and looking fucking divine. Even tired and possibly depressed, Hollander was the most beautiful person Ilya had ever seen. He had over the ear headphones hanging around his neck and was just in his jeans and a soft gray hoodie. 

On the bench side of the boards, was Marly. He was leaning on them right next to Hollander, fairly close to him. His back was to Ilya so he couldn’t see Marly’s face but he could see Hollander’s. And Hollander was…blushing. Hollander was fucking blushing. At Cliff fucking Marlow. There was the smallest, flirtiest smile that Ilya has ever seen on Hollander’s face as he listens to whatever stupid fucking story Marly is spewing. 

And Ilya is pissed.

How dare he? Why would Marly deserve Hollander if Ilya doesn’t?

Ilya’s blood runs cold at that thought. What the fuck? He doesn’t own Hollander. And he sure as hell doesn’t deserve Hollander after the way he treated him. Ilya watches them for a minute longer before he turns and walks away. 

He can’t watch that anymore.

~~~~~~

Shane

A Week Later

Shane was back at normal practice two days after his almost relapse. He’d had his first appointment with his new therapist, Dr. Linda Quintaro. He was terrified going into it but it turned out to be the best decision. She was great, on par with Dr. Kaiser. He’d only seen her twice so far but he really liked her. He’d also been to dinner with LeClaire and Charlotte a couple times. They helped when he was really missing his parents.

He’d gone out after practice a couple times with the team. He was still finding his place with them but things were getting better. He liked it here, with the Bears. They didn’t pressure him to drink when they went to a bar and they didn’t pressure him to eat things he didn’t want to. And if he needed to leave because it got too loud, they didn’t make him feel bad for it. Zayne was back in town too so he could see him again. He’d also found out that Tara’s husband, Seth, was LeClaire’s son.

Things were good. Or so he thought.

Shane thought he was doing a good job of keeping the awkwardness to a minimum around Rozanov. But like all things Rozanov, Shane’s gauge was a little off. 

A week after his almost relapse, Coach called him into his office before practice. 

“Coach? You wanted to see me?” Shane asked as he stepped into the office. LeClaire looked up and smiled then waved Shane in.

“Yeah. Come in, Shane. Close the door.” LeClaire said as he leaned back in his chair. Shane closed the door then walked over and sat down. He leaned back and looked across the desk at LeClaire. Coach watched Shane for a moment.

“You don’t have to tell me…but I’ve noticed some things. And I don’t want it to affect the rest of the team.” LeClaire started. Shane blinked and frowned.

“I know there’s the whole rivalry thing and being on the same team now is probably weird for you both.” LeClaire paused. Shane instantly knew what this was about. Rozanov. He wasn’t hiding this as well as he thought he was.

“But I’ve noticed that things with you and Rozanov seem…tense.” Shane took a deep breath. 

“I thought I was keeping it pretty contained…” Shane admitted. LeClaire chuckled.

“Well, for the most part, you were. But I also know my players and I was prepared for things to be tense but not…this tense.” Shane nodded a bit.

“Honestly…the rivalry was mostly just a PR stunt. Rozanov and I never hated each other.” Shane said, his eyes falling to his hands in his lap. He could feel LeClaire’s eyes on him. 

“Do you remember at dinner the other night…when I was telling you about the other player that I’d been hooking up with?” Shane asked.

“Lily’s dad?” LeClaire prompted. Shane nodded.

“Yeah. I remember. The one that said all those mean things to you and broke your heart?”

“Yeah, that one… The one I was never supposed to fall in love with.” Shane found himself playing with the string on his track pants. 

“That player…That man…is Rozanov.” Shane whispered. LeClaire didn’t say anything for the longest time. Shane braved a look up through his hair. He blinked.

LeClaire looked angry. He looked almost murderous.

“I am going to kill that boy.” 

~~~~~~

It took Shane 15 minutes to calm LeClaire down and convince him that he was mostly fine now. He promised that he would try to be better with Rozanov. Being in the office for so long meant he was late getting into the locker room. Which also meant that everyone else was in the locker room when he came in.

“Hollzy!” The room erupted when he walked in. He smiled a bit and waved as he went to his stall. 

“You good, man? You’re usually here before we are.” Vic asked from his stall.

“Yeah. Coach wanted to see me before practice.” Shane explained as she sat down and took his shoes off. 

“Ooo! Hollzy’s in trouble~!” Carmy, Cadyn and Fella all said at the same time. 

“Oh, shut up! Hollander is too much of a good boy to get into trouble.” Rozanov quipped. Shane snorted.

“And how would you know that, Rozanov?” The chirp came easier than he expected it to. He glanced over at Rozanov and found him watching him with a surprised but pleased smirk.

“Oh, I know many things about you, Hollander.” Rozanov replied. Shane shook his head, ignoring the pang in his chest.

“Sure you do, Roz.”

~~~~~~

4 Days Later

Shane’s next test came 4 days later after practice when Hammer noticed his tattoo. They were getting out of the shower so Shane didn’t have his sleeve on. He honestly hadn’t been wearing it much anyway. It was mostly healed from what Zayne had told him.

Of course he mentioned it as they were leaving the shower room.

“Holy shit! Hollzy, is that a tattoo?”

Shane froze for a moment. The whole room had turned to face them. Everyone knew about his image as “Canada’s Golden Boy”. He didn’t have tattoos. Everyone knew that.

Shane could feel his heart rate picking up as his anxiety spiked. He suddenly wished he was literally anywhere else. His eyes found a spot on the wall and he focused on it. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there silent. He thinks only a minute before he looks at Hammer.

“Um, yeah. It is.” He answers, his voice way steadier than he expected it to be.

“Damn! Bad boy, Hollzy over here!” Seb hollers from his stall. The light hearted ribbing actually helps relax Shane.

“What is it? It looks like flowers.” Cadyn asks, genuinely curious from what Shane can tell.

“Yeah. They are. They’re, um…They’re lilies.” He answered. He couldn’t help but risk a glance at Rozanov. He was silent and he had paled. He looked away and made his way to his stall. The rest of the guys made their way over to him, all of them asking to get a better look at the tattoo. He kind of quickly grabbed his watch and pulled it on so it mostly covered his scars.

“Can I at least put my pants on first, guys?” He chuckled a bit, uncomfortably. They all backed off a bit and he took his towel off. He dried off more then pulled his underwear and jeans back on then turned back around.

Taking a deep breath, he held his left forearm out and showed off the tattoo. For the first time to anyone outside of his parents, Zayne and Tara. He was quite proud of it. 

It was about 7 inches tall and took up the entire width of his inner left forearm. It was placed about 2 inches above his scars. It portrayed a small bouquet of 4 fully in bloom white lilies tied together with a pale yellow ribbon tied into a perfect bow. One of the strings of the ribbon was brought around to the front and written in Cyrillic and in small but beautiful font was “Лилия”. Liliya. There wasn’t much color to the tattoo and what was there was subtle and light. 

Everyone began to gush over it, telling him how well the artist did and how beautiful it was. There was so much talking that he almost missed the sharp intake of breath from Rozanov. Which meant he knew some of the meanings behind it. He obviously knew the Cyrillic. The lilies had a bit of a double meaning to Shane, though. 

“What’s the meaning behind it?” Marly asked. Shane shifted a bit then put his arm down.

“It’s um…I lost a child recently.” Shane whispered. The room went still. 

Before anyone could say anything else, Reilly came in with the official game schedule for the season and posted it on the wall. It seemed to distract pretty much everyone. Shane joined the others to go look at it. His heart dropped when he saw who they were facing first in 3 weeks.

Montreal.

Chapter End Notes

We getting into it!!

We got some Cliff/Shane/Ilya drama, we got tension between Shane and Ilya, we got the Bears noticing the tattoo and asking, we got Ilya knowing its got something to do with him in some way and got Montreal coming back into the picture!

Stay tuned for more!

Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Chapter Notes

I'm sorry it took me so long to post this chapter. It was super busy at work on Saturday so I didn't have time to work on it and I had a nasty headache this morning so I couldn't work on it.

But here we are!

This one is a little bit more emotional than the last. There is some Russian in here. Its taken from Google Translate so if its wrong, please tell me. The translations are in the end notes.

Enjoy!

Chapter 19

Ilya

“I lost a child recently.”

Ilya felt like he couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone had reached into his chest and was holding onto his lungs. He was staring at Hollander’s back, at the stretch marks that were decorating his skin. Stretch marks that hadn’t been there before. 

Things were suddenly making so much more sense.

Being dropped by Montreal with no explanation. Disappearing to Ottawa during the summer. Signing to Boston after the beginning of the season, at least from what Ilya knew. Not starting to play for months. Having a “health scare”. The darkness in his eyes. The sadness weighing down his shoulders.

He had a fucking miscarriage.

Ilya felt like he was going to be sick. He tore his eyes away from Hollander and put his hands on the sides of his stall. His stomach churned and he swallowed, trying to force the bile from rising up his throat. 

His heartbeat was roaring in his ears. He couldn’t hear anything going on in the room around him. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Marly dropped his hand onto his shoulder.

“Hey, Roz. You good, man?” Marly asked. Ilya was so fucking far from okay; it was kind of hilarious.

“Just tired.” He lied through his teeth. He needed to get out of here. Before he did something stupid, like try to comfort Hollander. 

He wasn’t allowed to do that anymore.

~~~~~~

Ilya somehow made it home. The walk to his car and the subsequent drive back to his house was all a blur. He was honestly not sure how he made it home. He stumbled inside and dropped his bag onto the floor. He pulled his phone out and immediately dropped it. Cursing colorfully in his mother tongue, he leaned down and picked it up. It took him 3 tries, but he unlocked it and navigated to his contacts. 

He found the person he was looking for easily. He didn’t have many people in his phone that he called often. He slid to the floor as he pressed the phone to his ear and listened to it ring. He let out a breath of relief when it connected.

“Илюша?” Came the steady, comforting voice of his best friend.

“Света…” He breathed. There were only two people in this world that would relax Ilya. Sveta and Hollander. He was beyond grateful Sveta had answered. 

“Что случилось? Ты звучишь так, будто только что пробежал марафон.” She asked him. He leaned his head back against the cold door at his back. He kind of felt like he had, if he was being honest. 

“Это... сложно объяснить, не вдаваясь в очень уж сложные подробности…” Ilya replied after a moment of thinking. Sveta was quiet for a long moment.

“Речь о «Джейн»?” She asked, slowly, drawing out the pronunciation of the name “Jane”. Ilya knew she had her suspicions about the real identity of “Jane” but she was trustworthy. Ilya closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths.

“Да. Сейчас всё просто в полной заднице, Света.” Ilya all but whined. He heard Sveta huff a laugh on the other end. 

“Ты так всё драматизируешь, Илюша. Не может быть всё так плохо.” She insisted. 

If only she knew.

~~~~~~

Shane

If there was ever a time Shane was hoping to get away with sneaking out of a room, now was that time. Reilly coming in and posting the schedule for the season had pretty effectively distracted everyone.

Everyone except Rozanov.

The entire time Shane had been standing there staring in abject horror at the schedule and grappling with the fact that he was going to have to face the people he had once considered family, he had felt Rozanov’s eyes on him. Rozanov wasn’t dumb. No, he was one of the smartest people Shane had ever met. Shane knew that Rozanov had to be putting the pieces together by now. Rozanov was the only one in that room that knew about Shane’s sexuality. The others probably thought he had a secret girl that he’d gotten pregnant over the summer that had suffered a miscarriage. Rozanov was the only one that would know that wasn’t the case.

After the excitement of seeing the schedule had died down, Shane had instantly gone back to his stall and finished getting dressed. He was so focused on that, he hadn’t even noticed that Rozanov wasn’t doing too well until Marly came up and said something. If Shane wasn’t still so in tune with everything about Rozanov, he wouldn’t have noticed the way Rozanov subtly flinched when Marly grabbed his shoulder. Or the obvious lie that he let out in response to Marly’s question. 

Shane watched Rozanov grab his things and leave the locker room in a rush. He blinked once, then twice. Shaking his head, he pulled on his hoodie and slid his feet into his shoes. 

It’s not my problem anymore. He thought to himself. 

Right as he was about to grab his bag and head out himself, Vic got his attention. Shane had to bite his cheek to suppress his sigh. 

“Hey, Hollzy, about what you said-” Vic started.

“Can you not, Vic?” Shane cut him off before he could finish whatever he was about to say. Shane wasn’t sure he was fully ready to talk about everything yet. He needed to talk to Dr. Quintaro and LeClaire first. 

“We just want you to know that you can talk to us, man.” He heard Fella say from behind him. Shane took a deep breath and turned to face the room.

“Look, I know I kind of just dropped that bomb on you guys and you probably want more information but…” Shane stopped to formulate his next words. The locker room was quiet and every eye was on him, which was making his skin crawl.

“It’s honestly a really complicated situation and I’m not sure I’m quite ready to tell you guys yet. I will tell you guys, I promise. Just…not yet.” Shane explained. 

“No rush, Hollzy. We get it.” Marly said, smiling softly at him. Shane felt his ears turn red at the smile. 

“I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Everyone waved as Shane left the room. Shane was halfway down the hallway before he pulled his phone out and called Dr. Quintaro’s office.

He had an emergency appointment scheduled by the time he had gotten to his car.

~~~~~~

Despite almost not wanting to, Shane came to practice at the same time as always. He had a bad feeling about today. Rozanov pulled in shortly after he did but stayed in his car when Shane went inside. Shane had been in the locker room for a few minutes before Rozanov came in. They exchanged quiet greetings and began getting changed for practice.

Shane had started to think that maybe nothing was going to be said. He was - of course - wrong.

“Hollander…” Rozanov’s voice was soft and quiet, something Shane hadn’t heard in a while. It washed over Shane and it soothed him while also panicking him at the same time. 

“Please don’t.” Shane whispered. He couldn’t. Not right now. Not yet.

“Hollander, I…” Rozanov tried again. Shane took a deep breath and turned to Rozanov.

“Rozanov. Please.” Shane pleaded, meeting Rozanov’s eyes for the first time since coming to Boston. It made Shane’s chest tighten. Rozanov’s eyes were the most beautiful things he had ever seen. To anyone else, they were hazel. But Shane had spent so long being so close to them that he had memorized all of the little flecks of gold, blue, brown, and green. If Shane was an artist, he could draw Rozanov’s eyes from memory alone.

The last time Rozanov’s eyes had met Shane’s, they had been filled with hatred and ire. Now, they were filled with an emotion that Shane didn’t know if he wanted to identify. Shane watched as his eyes bounced between Shane’s before he simply nodded and turned back to his gear.

Shane took a single breath and turned to his own gear. 

~~~~~~

Practice was brutal. Mainly for Rozanov. Coach was definitely pissed at him. He tried to keep it even among the rest of them but Shane could tell that it was mainly directed at Rozanov. Shane couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud. 

Shane welcomed the brutality of the practice. It helped keep his mind off of…everything else. He focuses on the burn in his legs, his lungs. The sound of his skates on the ice, the puck, his stick. He’s breathing hard and his legs feel like jelly by the time practice is over but his mind is more quiet than it has been in days. 

No one really talks to him after practice. And he’s okay with that. He needs to get to his appointment with Dr. Quintaro. He was out of the locker room and down the tunnel before he heard his name. He stopped and turned around. It was Marly.

“Hey. I know you probably wanted to get out of here and I get it. I just wanted to see if you, um…” Marly hesitated, his cheeks turning red and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. Shane tilted his head.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to dinner with me?” Marly asked, his voice hitching higher at the end. Shane blinked a couple times. 

“Are you…asking me on a date?” Shane all but blurted. He didn’t think he was that obvious with his sexuality. 

“Well…if you want to call it that, sure? I just know that I’ve really been enjoying talking to you the last couple of times we’ve managed to talk, just us so…” Marly shrugged. He then seemed to pale and begin to panic.

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. I don’t want to pressure you into something.” Marly started to ramble. Shane chuckled a bit.

“Marly.” His mouth shut with a small click. 

“It’s okay. As long as you don’t tell anyone. I’d like to have dinner with you. Your place?” Marly grinned, his entire face brightening up. 

“Yeah. Tomorrow night?” Shane nodded. 

They finalized the plans and then Shane was out of the building. He sat in his car for a moment before starting it and driving to his appointment with Dr. Quintaro.

He had a lot to talk about.

~~~~~~

2 Hours Later

Shane left his appointment with Dr. Quintaro feeling more settled and a lot more confident than he thought he would. He still wasn’t sure about talking to Rozanov but he knew what his next step was.

He waited until he got home before he called LeClaire. LeClaire always answered when Shane called. 

“Hey, Shane. What’s going on?” LeClaire said, after the line connected. Shane leaned on the island in his kitchen.

“Hey, Ben. I just got home from an emergency appointment with Dr. Quintaro.” LeClaire had insisted that Shane call him Ben when they were having personal conversations. 

“Oh. Is everything okay?” Ben asked. Shane smiled a bit. He really liked Ben and Charlotte.

“Yeah. Well…Mostly. In the locker room yesterday, Hammer noticed my tattoo for Lily. I just kind of dropped the bomb about losing a child when they asked what the meaning behind it was. And then Reilly came in and posted the schedule.” Shane explained. He heard Ben hum.

“Our first game is against Montreal. I know exactly what’s going to happen during that game. The chirps are going to be brutal and very pointed.” Shane continued. 

“I want to tell the team what happened to me. Everything.”

Chapter End Notes

Oh boy! We're getting into some more drama!!

Translations:
Илюша - Ilyusha
Света - Sveta
Что случилось? Ты звучишь так, будто только что пробежал марафон. - What is wrong? You sound like you just ran a marathon.
Это... сложно объяснить, не вдаваясь в очень уж сложные подробности… - It's....hard to explain without going into something really complicated...
Речь о «Джейн»? - Is it about "Jane"?
Да. Сейчас всё просто в полной заднице, Света. - Yes. Things are so fucked right now, Sveta.
Ты так всё драматизируешь, Илюша. Не может быть всё так плохо. - You are so dramatic, Ilyusha. It cannot be that bad.

Chapter 20: Chapter 20

Chapter Notes

Ho, boy! I didn't think I was gonna get this done today! I had a little bit of a hard time writing this one, just because I didn't know how I wanted to write Shane talking to the team.

I had to ask my husband for advice on it because I wasn't sure how to go about this.

Also, I'm sorry for how I ended this, I promise I will try to get the next one written and out by tomorrow so you're not waiting a long time for the rest!

Enjoy!!

Chapter 20

Shane sat at his island and stared at the marble while he waited for what he just said to sink in. He could hear Ben breathing in the background and what sounded like Charlotte doing the dishes.

“Ben? You still with me?” Shane asked after two minutes of silence.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just…Shane, are you sure?” Ben asked. Shane adjusted the phone against his ear and thought about the question before answering.

“Yes. And no. I talked to Dr. Quintaro about it too. The game against Montreal is going to be…bad. The things they’re going to say are going to be pointed and specific. Hayden and J.J. won’t participate but the others will.” Shane explained, tracing a pattern in the marble of the countertop. 

“Yeah, I had a feeling that would be the case.” Ben said on a sigh. Shane could tell he was angry about it. 

“I can’t just ask them to protect me without a reason. They deserve to know why Montreal is going to be coming out swinging. They’ll be confused and have questions. They already want to know about the tattoo. And…I want to tell them. They’ve accepted me without so much as a thought when I was the head of their rival team for years. They gave me hockey back.” Shane told him. He heard Ben sigh again.

“And I’m not going to tell them everything. I won’t tell them about Rozanov. I’m not going to out him like that. That’s not fair to him. I don’t mind outing myself to them, but I won’t out Rozanov without his permission. I only told you because you needed to know in order to coach your team correctly.” Shane said before Ben could ask. He was still mad at Rozanov for what had happened between them but he wasn’t mad enough to do that to him. 

“Are you going to talk to Roz before you tell the team?” Ben asked. He knew that was coming. Dr. Quintaro had told him he needed to talk to Rozanov. So had Zayne. And Tara and Seth. And his parents, even though they didn’t know it was Rozanov they were talking about. And Shane knew he should. But he didn’t know if he could. Just the thought of talking to Rozanov brought back all of those emotions from the last year. 

The heartbreak, the loneliness, the fear and the longing and want to call him but knowing that Rozanov wouldn’t care.

“I don’t know. I know I should. He…He shouldn’t find out like that, but…” Shane tried to talk around the lump forming in his throat and the stinging in his eyes.

“I understand, Shane. But no matter how angry you are with him, that needs to be a private conversation.” Ben said softly. Shane nodded, even though he knew Ben couldn’t see him.

“I know…”

He just didn’t know if his heart could handle it.

~~~~~~

Shane spent another 30 minutes on the phone with Ben. By the time they hung up, they had a plan in place for him telling the team everything that happened over the last year. He was going to give himself some time to plan how he was going to tell them. Outline it. They planned it so that he would tell them after practice on Wednesday next week.

After he got off the phone, he called Zayne. He needed his advice. Not only on this whole thing but also this date with Marly. Which he was still reeling from. He was not expecting that from Marly. He knew that they’d been flirting over the last week or so but a date?

The FaceTime call with Zayne went about how he expected it to. One of the many things Shane loved about Zayne was that he always told it like it was. He was blunt and told Shane the truth, even if it wasn’t what Shane wanted to hear. 

The call lasted about an hour, with Shane getting to see Noelle at the end, which he always loved. Zayne’s daughter was the cutest baby he had ever seen(don’t tell Hayden that.) Zayne had helped Shane realize that - while he did really like Marly and he was really fucking hot - it wasn’t right to be dating him. Not only was Marly Rozanov’s best friend but he didn’t know about all the shit that had gone down with Shane and Rozanov.

Then there was the fact that Shane's heart still belonged to Rozanov. Even when it probably shouldn’t. When Rozanov for sure didn’t want it. It wasn’t fair to Marly for Shane to lead him on like that. Shane was still going to have dinner with him but after dinner, he would tell him that it wasn’t going to work. And he would be honest about why.

Fuck.

~~~~~~

Cliff Marlow’s Apartment

The Next Night

Dinner with Marly went surprisingly well. Both of them were nervous. Marly had never been on a date with a guy. And Shane had never really been on a date, ever. 

Marly was a really good cook and Shane ended up eating way too much. But he enjoyed talking to Marly. He was funny and he made Shane laugh, which after the year he had, was a feat. 

They were sitting on Marly’s couch - which was entirely too big and comfortable - when Shane decided it was time he broached the subject of taking this any further.

“So, Marly…I enjoyed tonight.” Shane started. Marly practically beamed. Fuck, this is gonna be so much harder than I thought. 

“Yeah? I did too.” Shane could almost see the tail wagging behind Marly if he squinted. He smiled.

“But, I have to be honest with you.” Shane hated seeing Marly’s smile fade.

“What I’m about to say has absolutely nothing to do with you, I need you to know that. Okay?” Shane rushed to say, scooting closer on the couch. Marly watched him closely for a moment then nodded.

“I have a lot of shit going on in my personal life right now. I’m working through it and I’m getting better and I’m going to tell you and the rest of the guys about it soon. But…I was involved with someone before.” Shane said, taking one of Marly’s hands and kind of playing with his fingers as he spoke. 

“It…wasn’t serious. At least, it wasn’t supposed to be. I fell for him and…I still love him. And it’s not fair to you. I didn’t mean to lead you on or anything and I’m sorry if I did.” Shane finished. Marly’s hand curled around one of Shane’s own.

“Hey. It’s okay, Hollzy. You didn’t lead me on. We were just having fun. Right?” Marly said with a lopsided grin. Shane relaxed and smiled.

“Right. Don’t let this stop you from exploring, though. If you want to explore this side of you, you should. Don’t hide it for so long like I did.” Shane said. Marly chuckled a bit.

“I’m just now realizing I have a ‘this side of me’. Know any good guys for me?” Marly asked, jokingly. Shane blinked. He knew Marly was joking but…

“You know what? Actually, I do. You don’t have a problem with kids, do you?”

~~~~~~

TD Garden Arena

The Locker Room

A Week Later

Logically, Shane knew that he should have tried to talk to Rozanov sooner but he just…couldn’t. He wasn’t that brave. He kept telling himself that he would text him tomorrow or he’d catch him after practice but every time he picked up his phone to do it or would open his mouth to get Rozanov’s attention, Shane’s anxiety climbed up his spine like a fucking demon and clamped down on his spinal cord and prevented him from doing anything. He froze up. Like a deer in headlights. 

And that is how the day came to tell the rest of the team what had happened over the past year and Shane hadn’t said a single word to Rozanov about any of it. 

Shane knew Ben and Zayne and pretty much everyone else who knew about it was disappointed in him for not having a conversation with Rozanov. But they didn’t understand the fear that gripped Shane when he thought about it. He knew how Rozanov was going to react. And it wasn’t going to be a sympathetic reaction. He might be sympathetic now but that’s only because he doesn’t know the full story. 

Shane was first into the locker room, as always. But instead of beginning to get changed like he normally would, he merely sat down on the bench in front of his stall and waited for the others to arrive. LeClaire had texted everyone and had told them that practice would be postponed for a while today and to just wait in the locker room until he arrived. 

Rozanov came in first, as always. He shot Shane a confused and slightly concerned look before putting his things down and sitting down next to him. Shane busied himself with texting Zayne so he didn’t have to talk to Rozanov. The others trickled in shortly after. Shane tried to ignore the murmurs of confusion and the questions he could hear. They were wondering why practice was postponed and what was going on. He could feel the tension slithering up his spine.

About 5 minutes after the last player entered the locker room, LeClaire and Reilly came in. The room instantly quieted. Reilly closed the door behind him. Ben’s eyes found Shane’s and Shane read the question in them. Shane dipped his head in a shallow nod. Ben looked back to the others.

“I know you’re all wondering what’s going on. There is a reason for this. As you know, in two weeks, we have our first regulation game. Against Montreal.” LeClaire started, his voice ringing through the room. Curses and jeers were thrown around the room at the mention of his old team. It should have hurt but it didn’t. LeClaire raised a hand and the room quieted.

“A week ago, Hollander came to me with some concerns about facing his old team. It's going to be brutal. Montreal are going to be targeting him. We talked about it and we decided that it was best if Hollander told you exactly what had happened last year.” Shane could feel eyes on him. 

“So…Hollander, the floor is yours.” God, Shane hated this.

Taking a steadying breath, Shane wiped his palms on his pants and stood. He moved away from Rozanov and went to stand on the other side of the room, in between Carmy and Hammer. He couldn’t be next to Rozanov for this. 

“First, I need you all to not say anything until I’m done talking. Otherwise, I won’t be able to get this all out. Can you do that?” He started, sweeping his eyes over the men in the room. He was met with nods and murmurs of agreement. He nodded and fixed his eyes on a spot over Vic’s shoulder. 

“Coach wasn’t exactly lying when he said that I wanted to tell you what happened last year with Montreal. I do want to go into that but I also want to go into what has been happening in my life for the past year in general. Being dropped from Montreal was only one thing that happened in a long list of shit.” Shane shoved his hands into his pockets because he could feel them start to shake.

“The first thing you need to understand is, I’m gay.” He felt a knot loosen in his chest at the confession. That was only the first truth but it was one of the harder ones. The NHL was not the most accepting of anyone different and he was already Asian. Being Asian and gay were two things stacked against him.

“I have never leered any of you in the showers or anything like that so you don’t have to worry about that. Also, none of you are my type.” He said, then tacked on at the sounds of outrage ringing through the room, “Except for like two of you.” He cracked a smile. This was going better than he was expecting. 

“To fully understand all of the shit I’ve been through, I need to tell you about something that started in my rookie season. Before my rookie season, actually.” He shifted on his feet. He stole a glance at Rozanov. He was staring right at him. Shane quickly looked away. 

“In the summer before my rookie season, I started hooking up with another player. From another team. And I will not be telling you who, so do not ask. I am fine with outing myself to you guys but it is not my place to out him if he doesn’t want to be outed.” Shane’s voice took on a dangerous edge towards the end. It didn’t matter what had happened between them, Shane was still always going to protect Rozanov. He loved him, after all.

“We hooked up when we could for about 4 years. It was…supposed to be casual. Just sex. That’s all it was to him. But…I did what I wasn’t supposed to. I got attached. I developed feelings. I fell in love.” Shane’s voice got progressively smaller. He swallowed and took a slightly shaky breath.

“The last time we hooked up was about a year ago. At the MLH Awards in Vegas. I tried to tell him how I felt. I don’t know why. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure that out; still no luck there. He got angry. Said that we weren’t anything. That I wasn’t anything. And he told me to leave.” Shane could feel the shame and heartbreak weighing down his chest again. He could still see the look on Rozanov’s face as he spat those words at him. He could still smell the cigarette smoke, the vodka and the sex in the room. Shane closed his eyes and focused on the sounds and smells of the room around him. 

I’m not there anymore. I’m here. In Boston. In the Bears locker room.

It took a minute, but the memories subsided. When he opened his eyes again, he found himself looking at Marly. He smiled a tiny bit and nodded once to let him know he was okay. Shane looked around the room a bit.

“A little off topic but it's important to the story; who here remembers in sex ed class learning that 35% of the male population have the genetic mutation of having the ability to get pregnant? Show of hands.” Shane asked. Pretty much every hand went up, including Rozanov’s. Good.

“Good. Well, if any of you haven’t yet met a man with that ability, today is your lucky day. You’re looking at one.” Shane dropped that next bomb with the casualness of someone talking about the weather. He heard Rozanov snort and saw LeClaire facepalm.

“For whatever reason, when I hooked up with that guy the last time, I asked to go without a condom. I had never gotten tested to see if I could get pregnant because I never thought it was something I would have to worry about. And I was still in pretty heavy denial about my sexuality at this time. I didn’t think anything of it. And I don’t think he did either.” Shane kept his eyes away from Rozanov. He couldn’t watch the truth register in his head.

“A month after we had hooked up, I started feeling…weird. Come to find out, I was pregnant. A month along.” Shane said. He just couldn’t help it. His eyes slid to Rozanov. He watched as his face paled and his eyes got wide. Realization and devastation warred for first place on Rozanov’s face. Rozanov’s eyes met Shane’s, a question there, even though he knew the answer.

“Was it mine?”

Shane’s head bobbed once, just a bit.

“Yes.”

His face crumpled.

Chapter End Notes

I told y'all I was gonna resolve the Shane/Cliff/Ilya thing! I had a plan! It all worked out in the end!

How is Ilya gonna react to the rest of the story?

Post your thoughts in the comments!

Chapter 21: Chapter 21

Chapter Notes

Hello again!

I know a lot of people are a little 🤏 upset with me for how I handled Shane not telling Ilya first before telling the team. And I understand where you're coming from. I did have a bit of a minor breakdown about that yesterday as I was writing that chapter. I had to text my husband about it while he was at work and then talk to him more when we both got home.

Shane is aware that he should have talked to Ilya first, however, his anxiety prevented him from doing so. Shane canonically has anxiety and anyone who has anxiety knows that it can sometimes make you act irrationally or do things that are contrary to what you actually want.

I love Shane as a character. He is my favorite Heated Rivalry character(though you'd never know from all the shit I'm putting him through. I relate to him so much in many ways but none of what is happening in this fic is me hating on him or anything.

I promise I have a plan(sort of) and everything is going to work out. Its just gonna take a little bit longer.

Please enjoy this chapter, its a little shorter than the last two, so apologies for that. I tried my best. 🥲

Chapter 21

Shane watched in what felt like slow motion as what he was saying landed in Rozanov’s brain. Rozanov’s eyes bounced back and forth between Shane’s so fast that if he didn’t know any better, he would be worried Rozanov was having a seizure. Shane couldn’t handle it any longer and looked away.

Clearing his throat, he continued, “I went out to my parents place after I found out. I told them what was going on and they helped keep me from spiraling.” 

“I didn’t know what to do. Keeping the baby meant risking the career I had worked my entire life to build and terminating meant losing the only piece I had left of the man I loved. I spent days thinking about it, talking to my parents about it. I finally made the decision to keep the baby. I was willing to risk my career as long as I had a piece of him.” Shane said. He forced himself to keep his eyes on the floor. 

“Once that decision was made, I needed to tell my team. That is why they dropped me. I knew it was going to happen. My mom spent the next few months trying to find a team that would be willing to give me the months off that I needed, had the salary cap for me and the line space. Boston was the only team that would.” Shane finally lifted his eyes to look around at his team. There was a mix of anger and pity in their faces. Rozanov was watching him with a mixture of emotions that Shane didn’t know how to read.

“When I was 6 months pregnant, I came here with my mom to meet Coach officially. It was one of your first games of last season. It was against Montreal.” Shane felt his chest stutter when the memories of the miscarriage hit him. He remembered the fear and the pain as he moved through the arena before he passed out. He closed his eyes and breathed through the panic that was threatening to suffocate him. 

“I started miscarrying in the stands. I was rushed to the hospital but the doctors couldn’t save the baby. The medical term is a stillbirth, that late in the pregnancy. It’s common in male pregnancies, apparently.” Shane finally managed to continue talking. 

“Things started to go downhill from there. I fell into a really deep depression. I honestly don’t remember much from the month after the stillbirth. I’m told I was a husk of a person. I barely spoke, barely ate, did nothing but sleep. It…wasn’t pretty.” Shane knew he probably didn’t need to tell them what he was about to, but he was already this deep. Someone was going to see his scars at some point. He couldn’t hide them forever.

“A month after I lost the baby…” Shane paused to take a deep breath. He raised his eyes from the floor.

“I tried to kill myself.”

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya’s heart was beating a million miles a minute. He wanted to run but he was glued to the bench underneath him. His eyes wouldn’t leave Hollander. He was shaking and he was gripping the bench on either side of his legs so hard, his knuckles were white and his fingers were starting to cramp. His jaw was clenched so hard, he could hear his teeth creaking. 

He didn’t know what to feel right now. Sitting in this locker room, surrounded by his teammates, his friends, listening to the man he loved tell them that he had gotten pregnant by him. That he had lost his baby. And he hadn’t known. 

How was he supposed to feel right now?

“A month after I lost the baby…” Hollander paused and took a deep breath then raised his eyes from the floor. Ilya had a horrible feeling.

“I tried to kill myself.”

The ground fell away from underneath him. Suddenly, he wasn’t in Boston anymore.

He was 12 years old in his old Moscow home, finding his mothers cold body on the floor of the bathroom. He was 13, being told that he wasn’t allowed to mourn his mother because she had taken the cowards way out. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself back into the present. 

“I didn’t succeed, obviously.” Hollander was still talking. “My best friend, Hayden Pike, found me. I spent 2 months in a psychiatric facility where I got the help I needed.” Ilya opened his eyes again and looked back at Hollander. 

“I’m still in therapy. I see my therapist once a week. I’m getting better.” Hollander seemed to be finishing.

“The reason I told you all this is because Montreal knows about me being gay and the pregnancy. I don’t know if they know about the miscarriage or not. But they are going to be targeting me and the chirps are going to be very pointed and specific. I didn’t want you guys to be taken by surprise or be confused by it. You guys have been so accepting of me. I’m actually enjoying hockey again and that’s because of you guys.” Hollander finished his speech. The locker room was quiet. Everyone was taking in what Hollander had just told them.

“You guys can talk now.” Hollander offered a small smile. Ilya tried to steady his breathing. He saw Carmy raise his hand out of the corner of his eye. Hollander nodded to him.

“Do you wish you had succeeded in your attempt?” Ilya’s eyes almost bugged out of his head at the question. What the fuck?! He couldn’t help looking back at Hollander, almost pleading with his eyes to say no.

“No. I don’t. It was…done in a desperate attempt to escape the pain I was feeling.” Shane said, no hesitation in his answer. Ilya felt himself relax only an inch. Hammer raised his hand next. 

“What was the gender? And the name? If you don’t mind telling us.” Ilya loved Hammer. He was the oldest of them in the room, besides Coach and Reilly. Ilya could see the anguish enter Hollander’s eyes.

“It was a girl. Her name was Liliya. Liliya Jane. Lily for short.” Ilya’s heart stopped. Lily. Jane. He had read the Cyrillic on Hollander’s tattoo as Liliya and he recognized the name as Liliya but he hadn’t made that connection. 

He had named their child the Russian version of the fake name for Ilya. And her middle name was Hollander’s fake name. The tattoo flashed in Ilya’s mind again. 

Four lilies. Four white lilies. Lilies were a common flower used in Russian funerals. Even numbered flowers were a must, never an odd number - those were for celebrations. White flowers were common. He and Hollander had been hooking up for four years before Ilya fucked it up in Vegas. 

Hollander had done research into Russian funeral traditions in order to honor the Russian side of his child. 

Fuck. Ilya was so angry at Hollander for not telling him but he was also so in love with him too. 

The sound of Hollander’s voice brought him out of his spiral. He had called on Marly.

“Did you ever tell the guy? About Lily and…everything?” Marly asked with a vague wave of his hand. 

He just fucking did.

Hollander’s eyes found Ilya’s for a split second and he looked…guilty. Good.

“No. I…knew he wouldn’t care. And I didn’t want him to feel obligated to help or…” Hollander trailed off. Ilya stared at him, his heart cracking in his chest. Did he really believe that?

“I couldn’t be the reason his career fell apart. I was fine with risking mine but I wasn’t going to risk his. I would never forgive myself if something happened to his career because of me.” Hollander finished. 

“I wanted to, though. The entire time, all I wanted was to call him.” Ilya could see the tears gather in Hollander’s eyes and he had to grip the bench tighter to keep himself from going to him.

“It was worse in the hospital after the stillbirth. Having my parents and Hayden there was amazing and everything but…there was only one person I wanted there. And I knew I couldn’t call him.” Hollander seemed to curl into himself. Now, Ilya was pissed at himself. 

The locker room was quiet for a few minutes then Coach stepped forward. 

“If that’s everything, there won’t be any practice for today. You’re free to go. This was a lot of information and I know you’re all processing. We’ll pick it back up tomorrow.” Ilya’s head hung down and he heard the others begin to leave. 

Distantly, he heard Hollander and Coach talking across the room but he was focusing and trying to calm his racing heart. He heard another set of footsteps leave the room and then the door closed. Slowly, he uncurled his fingers from the bench. He thought he was alone. 

He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard the soft sound of Hollander calling his name. He lifted his head and looked at Hollander. He was still across the room with his hands in his jeans pockets. 

“I…I know I sh-” Ilya cut him off abruptly with a hand. He slowly rose to his feet. He knew it was probably not going to help anything but his anger was rising rapidly, climbing to the surface and begging to be let out. 

He was stalking across the room towards Hollander before he was consciously deciding to do it.

“How fucking dare you?”

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane stood in the now empty locker room and watched Rozanov. He hadn’t moved his spot on the bench since Shane had started talking but Shane had watched the tension build in Rozanov’s large frame. Shane felt like the shittiest person on the planet, blindsiding Rozanov with this in a room full of people that didn’t know about them.

But Shane hadn’t been able to tell him sooner. He’d tried, he really did. And he knew Rozanov wasn’t going to believe him if he got a chance to tell him that. 

Shane wasn’t scared of Rozanov, he wanted that put on record. He had never been scared of Rozanov, not back when they were hooking up and not now. He was scared of Rozanov’s reaction. Shane took a deep breath and softly called out to Rozanov. Rozanov lifted his head and slowly brought his eyes back up to Shane’s. 

“I…I know I sh-” Shane stopped when Rozanov held up a hand and slowly rose to his full height. He began to advance on Shane. Every instinct in Shane’s body told him to run but he held his ground.

“How fucking dare you?” Rozanov growled out. Shane blinked. This wasn’t the same anger as Vegas. 

“What…?” Shane whispered.

“How dare you? You come to my city, to my team and to try to turn them against me?” Rozanov hissed. Shane frowned.

“That’s not-” 

“You make me into bad guy in your story!” Rozanov cut him off by yelling. Now Shane was mad because that’s not what happened. Yes, Shane had brought up what happened in Vegas but he hadn’t said anything bad about Rozanov in that situation. He was stating facts, telling it like it was. And at the end, he defended him! He justified his decision not to tell him about Lily because he was worried about his career, not his own.

“And you do not tell me about baby. My baby! I have to find out about child in room full of men who know nothing. I cannot mourn child. Because I did not know about child!” Rozanov wasn’t finished, it seemed. Shane’s hands clenched into fists in his pockets. 

“Are you done?” Shane bit out. Rozanov’s eyes were burning with rage and Shane could feel his face turning red with his own anger. 

“And if I am not?” Rozanov hissed. They were chest to chest now. Shane shoved him back a bit. 

“You’re going to be because it's my turn.” Shane all but growled. Surprise flashed across Rozanov’s face.

“First of all, I did not make you into the ‘bad guy’. I stated facts, that’s it. And did you ever think about the fact that maybe - maybe - if you hadn’t broken my fucking heart that night in Vegas, I wouldn’t have been so fucking scared to tell you about the baby?!” Shane could feel tears gathering in his eyes and he couldn’t be bothered to stop them from falling. He shoved Rozanov again. 

“I know I fucked everything up by trying to tell you how I felt that night, but you didn’t have to be a fucking dick about it! You tore my heart out of my chest and ripped it to pieces. You have no fucking idea how terrified I was when I was told I was pregnant. No idea!” 

Rozanov’s eyes were wide and Shane could see the anger starting to fade. But he couldn’t stop. 

“I knew you wouldn’t care about the child I was carrying because you didn’t care about me. The only person I wanted to call during the entire pregnancy was you but I couldn’t! When my mother told me that I had lost our baby, the only person I wanted in that hospital room holding me was you! But how was I supposed to know that you would show up? That you would give a shit?!” The tears wouldn’t stop. Shane could barely see Rozanov anymore through them. He wiped at his face to clear his vision.

“You told me I was nothing. Do you have any idea how badly that hurt? So, yes, Rozanov. I didn’t tell you about the baby and I am sorry about that but I had damn good reasons. And I am sorry that I didn’t talk to you about all of this sooner instead of telling you with the rest of the team. But I am going through a lot right now so I think I’m entitled to a little bit of a mess up every now and then.” Shane sniffed and rubbed his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie. 

“Come talk to me when you pull your head out of your ass.”

With that, Shane grabbed his phone from his stall and left the locker room.

Chapter End Notes

Oh shit, Shane lost it.

How do we think Ilya is gonna react?

Chapter 22: Chapter 22

Chapter Notes

Well...... Shit hit the fan. The team knows. Ilya knows. Shane went off on Ilya. Ilya had a mental breakdown. Little bit of one, anyway.

Things are out there. Now, our boys have to fix things.

This chapter is on the shorter side. I'm sorry about that. I thought about making it longer but I wanted to keep things together instead of splitting them up again.

Enjoy our boys getting some perspective!

Chapter 22

Ilya

Ilya stood in the middle of the locker room, staring at where Hollander had just been for…he doesn’t even know how long. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. All he knew was…he was alone.

He flinched when he heard the door open. Slowly he turned towards the door. It was Coach.

“I figured you would still be here.” Is all he said before he came over to Ilya. Ilya felt numb. He knew he should feel…something but he just…didn’t.

“Come on. Let’s go get something to eat.” Ilya simply nodded and followed him out of the room. The walk out of the rink and to Coach’s car was silent, as was the following drive to a nearby restaurant that Ilya normally would be ecstatic to be eating at.

The next thing Ilya knew, they were sitting in a corner booth in the restaurant, Coach across from him, water and bread in front of them. He blinked. When did that happen?

“It’s okay to not be okay right now, Roz.” Coach told him. Ilya dragged his eyes up from the water glass in front of him and looked at him. 

“I…do not know how to feel.” Ilya finally spoke for the first time in…he’s not sure how long it'd been. LeClaire nodded. 

“That’s understandable.” He pushed some of the bread towards Ilya. Ilya stared at it. He wasn’t hungry but he knew he should eat. He grabbed a piece and began to pick at it, eating small pieces every now and then.

“I feel…angry.” Ilya finally said after another few moments of silence. He didn’t look at LeClaire again, just stared at the bread in his hands. 

“But also…sad. And…guilty.” Ilya admitted. He was having a hard time really identifying his feelings. 

“I should have…reached out sooner.” Ilya said. He knew that was the case. He should have tried to text Hollander sooner, tried to apologize for how he treated him in Vegas. 

“Roz…” LeClaire got his attention. Ilya raised his eyes from the bread he was currently tearing apart and looked at his Coach. 

“That kind of thinking isn’t going to help anyone.” He said. His voice was gentle but firm, cutting through Ilya’s spiral. 

“We could sit here and talk about all of the things you should have done or things you should have said. We’ll be here for hours.” LeClaire told him. Ilya blinked once then twice. He was right. Talking about what he should have done or said wasn’t going to do any good.

“So…what do I do?” Ilya asked. He felt so lost. 

“I know everything Shane said today took you by surprise. I told him to talk to you privately before today and I am…very disappointed that he didn’t.” Ilya frowned. It finally clicked in his head that Coach knew. Coach knew about him and Hollander.

“You know…Hollander told you?” Ilya asked a bit slowly. LeClaire nodded.

“I pulled Hollander into my office a few weeks ago to ask about the tension between you two. I knew it had to go deeper than just the rivalry. He told me that you were Lily’s other father at that time. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was taking his side on this. Am I mad at you for how you treated him? Yes. But I’m also mad at him, so it balances out.” Coach said, shrugging. Ilya felt himself relax.

Maybe he wasn’t alone.

~~~~~~

Shane

When Shane finally got to his car, he promptly broke down crying. Heavy, full body sobs wracked his frame as he gripped his steering wheel. He folded forward and rested his forehead on the wheel. He could barely breathe past the sobs. 

It took a few minutes, but he finally managed to calm down. Slowly, he leaned back and slid his hands from the wheel and into his lap. He focused on his breathing and bringing it back to normal, along with his heartbeat. Once his breathing and heart rate were back to normal, he reached up and rubbed his eyes with his sleeves. 

He jumped when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled his phone out and looked at the text from Charlotte. 

“Ben texted me and told me about what happened today. Why don’t you come over?”

Shane stared at the text for a moment then texted her back.

“I’ll be there soon”

~~~~~~

Shane wasn’t sure what he was expecting out of this conversation with Charlotte, but he should have expected the disappointed mom stare he was met with when she opened the door. 

He sat at the kitchen table and watched as she got him some ginger ale. 

“I know I messed up.” He figured he might as well start this conversation. 

“Well…I’m glad you know that.” She said simply, putting the ginger ale in front of him. 

“I tried to talk to him before. But, I couldn’t.” He tried to explain. She nodded. 

“So, why didn’t you ask for help? Ben could have helped you.” She offered. He stared at his hands on the table. 

“I don’t know.” It was stupid, he knew that. But he really didn’t. He knew he should have asked for help. 

“I think I just…wanted to do it myself? Which obviously was the wrong choice.” He admitted. 

“It’s not wrong to want to do it yourself, Shane. But, it’s okay to ask for help.” She told him. He nodded. 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to, sweetheart.” She told him. And that hit harder than he expected it to. 

How was he supposed to fix this?

~~~~~~

Rozanov took the next day off of practice, which made Shane feel even worse about all of this. LeClaire assured Shane that Rozanov was okay. He told Shane that they had spent a couple hours the day before talking about everything and by the time LeClaire dropped Rozanov off at home, he was more himself. 

Shane’s conversation with Charlotte went much the same. She helped him understand that by including him in the group instead of telling him separately, Shane had isolated Rozanov, something Shane had never even considered. The Bears were part of Rozanov’s support system. They were his friends. Marly was his best friend. And by telling them everything, he took that support system away. So Shane felt horrible, to say the least. 

After practice, Hammer approached Shane. 

“Hey, Hollzy. I was wondering if I could talk to you.” Shane blinked and nodded. 

“Sure. What’s up?” Shane turned towards him more. Hammer gestured to the door and lead them both out of the locker room. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about everything you told us yesterday. And I hope it's okay that I told my wife about it. Not everything but the basics.” Hammer started out by saying. Shane folded his arms over his chest and nodded. 

“And don’t get me wrong, I understand where you were coming from, not telling him about the baby. You had valid reasons, I’m not telling you that you didn’t. But my wife brought up a really valid point.” Shane tilted his head a bit. Where was this going?

“Put yourself in his shoes for a bit. How would you feel if you were in his position?” Hammer asked. Shane blinked. Then frowned then blinked again. He…had never thought of it like that. 

“That was still his baby and even if he didn’t want anything to do with you or her, that should have been his decision to make. Don’t you think?” Hammer said after a moment. Shane opened his mouth then closed it.

“I…I never thought of it like that. I just…I didn’t want to risk his career or make him feel…obligated.” Shane breathed. Hammer nodded.

“And I get that. It makes sense. But, wouldn’t you have wanted to make that decision? Not have it taken away from you?” Shane bit the inside of his cheek. Hammer was right. If he was in Rozanov’s position, he would be angry too. 

Fuck, Shane had really messed up, hadn’t he?

~~~~~~

Four Days Later

Friday

It took Shane four days to work up the courage to talk to Rozanov. And also to figure out how to talk to him. And to say practice had been awkward the last four days was an understatement. 

It was Friday which meant they had an entire weekend of no practices to look forward to. Shane knew that if he didn’t talk to Rozanov now, he probably wouldn’t. They were all getting dressed after practice, the others were talking about their plans for the weekend. Shane was pulling on his hoodie and rehearsing what he was going to say to get Rozanov to talk to him when he realized that Rozanov was leaving. Cursing under his breath, he quickly pulled on his shoes and grabbed his bag and went after him.

“Rozanov!” He called after him. Shane was honestly surprised that he stopped. He swallowed and took a breath then walked closer. 

“I, um…I was hoping we could talk. I think…I think we need to.” Shane said. That was not what he had planned to say, but it worked. 

“I thought I was supposed to pull my head out of my ass first.” Rozanov quipped. Shane sighed softly.

“Rozanov…” Shane watched as he looked at him over his shoulder. He looked exhausted. 

“Please…” Shane wasn’t above begging at this point. Rozanov sighed then nodded.

“Okay. We will talk.”

Chapter End Notes

Shane and Ilya actually attempting to communicate?! Oh my god, the world is ending!!

I will try to update tomorrow, but it will depend on how work goes. I hope you all enjoyed!

Love you all!

Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Chapter Notes

I'm back~!

So I struggled HARD to write this chapter for a couple different reasons. 1) I had NO IDEA how I wanted this conversation between our boys to go and 2) the way the comment section has been under this fic lately has been REALLY affecting my state of mind.

I have spent the last 3 days very upset over the amount of comments I got hating on the last chapter and it made me not want to touch this. And that made me angry and very upset. Because I have loved writing this and sharing it with you guys. I have tried to focus on the support and that has helped and I am BEYOND grateful for those of you that have stayed with me and that expressed your support through this.

But all of the negative comments made it incredibly hard to write lately and I just couldn't help but address some of this.

Please take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt and please don't take it the wrong way. ♥️

If you have a problem with what I'm writing and how I'm writing it, YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT. And if you read it and don't like it, YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMMENT.

I am not saying that you CAN'T comment on my work; I love the comments. They make me INCREDIBLY happy. And I understand that everyone has different opinions and you are entitled to those opinions. And I love hearing everyone's different thoughts about what they think is going to happen next or getting suggestions.

I don't want to cause issues to make people angry or upset. But PLEASE. I don't want to see the negativity anymore. I don't want to have to stop writing this because the comments affect my own mental health.

Anyway. That's my piece. Here's the new chapter. Its longer than the last one. Enjoy!

Chapter 23

Ilya

If you asked if Ilya Rozanov was a brave man, he would have answered with a confident “Yes!”. But the truth was…he wasn’t. Not really. He put up a front of being brave because it’s what people expected of him. He was “the Russian Menace”. Nothing scared him. But the truth was, he was scared of a lot. 

Currently, he was scared of what he was walking into as he pulled into the parking lot of Hollander’s apartment complex. Parking next to Hollander’s extremely sensible and boring car, Ilya shut his car off and leaned back. He stared at the concrete wall in front of him and tried not to talk himself out of this. 

Ilya wasn’t good at talking. He didn’t communicate well, even in Russian. He wasn’t taught to. They didn’t talk in his house growing up. They communicated through passive aggressive comments, insults, intimidation tactics and cold shoulders. He was taught to threaten and use his words to hurt instead of heal. Which is exactly how he got them in this situation to begin with. So how are they supposed to get out of it?

Heaving a sigh, he pulled himself out of his car and made his way to the elevator. He stepped in when the doors opened and then pressed the button for Hollander’s floor. He leaned against the back wall of the elevator and watched the numbers as they ticked upwards. He could feel his heartbeat rising almost in time with the floor numbers. His fingers flexed around the railing installed in the elevator. He almost jumped when the elevator chimed and the doors opened. 

Ilya took a deep breath and stepped out of the elevator. He walked the short way down the hallway to Hollander’s apartment. He realized now that he’d never been to Hollander’s actual home before. When they were in Montreal, they always met at Hollander’s “sex condo”. This was going to be Ilya’s first time experiencing a place that Hollander called home. What did it look like? How did he have it decorated? Would it be as sparse and boring as the condo in Montreal? Or would it have more personal touches? Would it feel more like Hollander?

Ilya shook himself out of his thoughts as he arrived at the apartment. Shaking his shoulders and arms out, he raised his fist and knocked twice on the door. Fuck, he was nervous. He heard some noises behind the door before he heard footsteps and then the door was open and there was Hollander. Fuck, even when Ilya was mad at him, he was still so fucking beautiful. Would Ilya ever not think that?

“Hi…” Hollander breathed. He almost looked surprised. Like he was shocked that Ilya had actually shown up. 

“Hello.” He was surprised his voice was as steady as it was, considering how unsteady he felt. Hollander stepped back and to the side and gestured for him to come in. Ilya stepped inside and was hit with the almost overwhelming scent of Hollander. It almost took Ilya to his knees. He hadn’t been able to smell this scent in over a year and god, he missed it. It’s his favorite smell in the entire world. 

Closing his eyes, he forced himself to toe off his shoes and leave them in the rack by the door as Hollander closed and locked the door behind him. He watched as Hollander stepped around him and walked down the short hallway and into the rest of the apartment.

“Do you want something to drink? Or eat?” Hollander offered, playing with one of his hoodie strings. Hollander was nervous too. Ilya realized with startling clarity that even after all this time, he could still read Hollander like an open book. 

“Do you have vodka?” Ilya asked, mostly joking as a way to try and lighten the mood. 

“Actually, I do.” Hollander answered and moved into the kitchen. Ilya’s brows raised as he watched him. 

“You…have vodka?” Ilya asked incredulously as he followed Hollander after a moment.

“It was a housewarming gift from a friend when I moved in. I haven’t even opened it.” Hollander snapped but there wasn’t a lot of heat behind it. Ilya watched Hollander as he reached into a cabinet by the fridge and pulled out an unopened, completely full bottle of vodka. And not the shitty kind either. The good, expensive kind.

“Shit, Hollander. This friend has good taste. And money.” Ilya quipped. Hollander shot him an annoyed look over his shoulder as he got out a glass from another cupboard. Ilya felt himself relax just a little. This was good; the banter. Or the attempt at it, anyway. Maybe this meant they were on a path to something?

“You can sit anywhere.” Hollander said as he handed Ilya the glass of vodka. Ilya watched Hollander for a moment before turning and wandering to the living room. He was right in assuming that the apartment was sparsely decorated. But what was there was nice. Not like the “sex condo”. It felt more personal. There was a video game console under the tv with a few games stacked underneath, a couple books on the coffee table and more on the bookshelves on either side of the tv. Ilya wandered over to the shelves and started to inspect the books as he sipped on the vodka. 

Typical hockey books, biographies, some history books. What took Ilya by surprise was the baby books and some Russian books. Why would Hollander have those? The baby books made some sense but why would he still have them? The Russian books, though…

“Is the vodka good?” Ilya was so lost in thought that the question made him jump. He turned and found Hollander standing at the entrance to the living room, holding a ginger ale and watching him. Of course he still drinks that boring ass drink.

“Oh, yes. Is very good. Your friend has very good taste.” Ilya responded, raising the glass in imitation of a toast. Hollander rolled his eyes a bit.

“I’ll make sure to tell him.” Hollander chirped. Him. Ilya felt anger and jealousy rise and curl around his lungs like vines. His mouth twisted and he went over to the couch and sat on one end. Hollander came around and sat on the other end. The distance between them felt like miles. 

Silence stretched between them. The only sound that Ilya could hear was the heater clicking, the pipes creaking and their breathing. Ilya took another sip of his vodka. Was he supposed to start this? Ilya glanced over at Hollander and found him in a similar state of awkwardness. Ilya was instantly reminded of the last time they were alone together like this. 

“You are nothing.”

The words rang through Ilya’s head, said in his cruel voice, in a desperate attempt to stop something that he knew he wanted but was so stupid and too scared to admit. The look on Hollander’s face when those words landed still haunts him to this day, even now. Even with how angry Ilya is with Hollander, after finding out everything.

It wasn’t that Ilya meant what he said that night. It was just that, in that moment, there was nothing more to their relationship. At least, not that Ilya could confess. Not only to Hollander but even more so to himself. He had partners, flings, hook ups, or one-night stands before that night in Vegas. But sitting there, seeing the man that had shattered his world by telling him in a backhanded way - in front of his fucking teammates - that his baby had been a stillbirth; that he probably would have kept her a secret from him if not for that fact. 

Having to look Hollander in the face and see everything that he loved - that he still loves - but still can’t say, even now…hits harder than Ilya thought it would.

Ilya opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, trying to find the right words to start the conversation he knew they needed to have. He breathed out a frustrated breath when he couldn’t seem to formulate a coherent enough thought to start this.

Hollander beat him to it.

“Things are really fucked, aren’t they?”

~~~~~~

Shane

Okay, thinking back on it, maybe Shane didn’t exactly know how to confront Rozanov about the baby at all. He hadn’t even considered the fact he would see Rozanov again - besides on the ice - much less have the man in his apartment in a way that wasn’t sexual or leaning towards something that Shane would be able to walk away from after. However, the man that was in front of him… He could see parts of the man he still loved and the man he wanted to be the one supporting him when Liliya was born. If she had been born. That thought rang through his head and reminded him just how much he hated Rozanov for telling him that he was nothing.

Looking over at Rozanov, he didn’t even seem phased by the fact that he was in front of the person he hurt, that he had put through the hell of tormenting his parents with worry, burdening his best friend with trying to save his life after nearly taking his own after losing Lily. By not feeling good enough for the only person he thought he could be himself with.

Watching Rozanov fidget with the glass of alcohol in his hands, he couldn’t tell if he was nervous or maybe finding a way to tell Shane what he was thinking. 

That was the issue though, wasn’t it? Shane never knew what Rozanov was thinking. It was always feeling him, being on him and falling into pleasure with him. Being comfortable in intimacy when, in fact, that never really brought them closer. Not really, anyway There wasn’t ever much talking after sex, no matter how much Shane wanted it or tried to. Meet up, undress, bump uglies, leave. It was so much more simple before all of this. Instead, it had spiraled down into a more morbid reality than anyone could have ever imagined.

Neither of them could untangle this mess that they were in and now they couldn’t even talk to each other or find a way to break the ice. As if they were strangers all over again. And god, Shane hated it. But, he also wanted to know what Rozanov was thinking, why he wouldn’t let him in. He didn’t know all that much about him or his past. It was all so frustrating that it made him want to scream.

Shane reminded himself of the therapy. He knew how to come down from nearly going over the edge again. Those were the emotions that Rozanov stirred in Shane because well, Shane still did love him. And that's what hurts so much worse. Knowing it wasn’t reciprocated. 

Shane stared at the ginger ale in his hands, trying to calm his racing heart. They could do this. They needed to do this. No matter how angry and hurt Shane was, he needed to be able to sit and listen to Rozanov but he needed to make sure that Rozanov sat and listened to him too. Breathing in a deep, steadying breath, Shane started the conversation.

“Things are really fucked, aren’t they?”

That… was probably the worst way he could have started it but…the conversation was started…right?

Then he saw Rozanov stiffen out of the corner of his eye and Shane’s heart dropped into his stomach. Shit. Then Rozanov barked out a harsh, humorless laugh. 

“I think that is understatement. Don’t you?” Rozanov’s voice was quiet but his tone was cold. Shane’s grip tightened on his drink. This was already not going well.

“Yeah…probably.” Shane agreed. He sighed softly.

“Rozanov, I-” Shane tried again but was cut off by Rozanov.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” The question was harsh but Shane could hear the slight crack in his voice. Despite not knowing much about Rozanov as a person, Shane knew enough to be able to read him. Shane should have known that not telling him would hurt him in some capacity. That didn’t erase what Shane had been through, though. 

“I don’t know. Probably… at some point.” Shane admitted. He was trying to keep his voice even though he could feel the tension in the room rising. 

“Probably?” Rozanov barked. Shane had to fight not to flinch. Breathe. He reminded himself. He could feel his anxiety crawling up his spine like a fucking herd of spiders. 

“I don’t know. I had a lot of other shit on my mind, okay?” Shane snipped. He couldn’t help it. This whole situation was so fucked up and Rozanov being bitchy about it wasn’t helping anything. Rozanov scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“God, will you stop being so fucking childish?” Shane snapped, narrowing his eyes at Rozanov. Rozanov’s head whipped towards Shane so fast, Shane was almost worried he gave himself whiplash. Almost. 

“Me? I am one acting like child?” Rozanov spat, pointing at his own chest. His hazel eyes were blazing as he stared at Shane. He was dropping his articles which Shane knew meant he was really pissed. 

“You are one that hid child from me. And for what? Because your feelings were hurt?” Shane felt his anger rising like a tidal wave. 

“You can’t be serious. Don’t you dare play off what you said to me like it wasn’t a big deal.” Shane said, putting his drink down. His hands were beginning to shake. 

“I did not mean it!” Rozanov snapped, slamming his glass down on the coffee table. Shane flinched. That single action instantly threw Shane back to that night in Vegas, being told he was nothing by the man he loved. 

He couldn’t breathe, his chest felt like it was too tight, there was a buzzing in his head, his skin felt too tight and he could feel the telltale stinging behind his eyes that signaled he was on the verge of tears.

“How was I supposed to know that? You never talked to me.” Shane forced out, his voice barely above a whisper. He was still trying to keep this conversation as civil as possible, even if Rozanov seemed intent on turning it into a fight. 

“That was not what we did. We were not couple. We were-”

“Nothing. Yeah, I got that. You made that perfectly fucking clear.” Shane cut him off. He pushed himself off the couch. He couldn’t sit there anymore. He was on the verge of a panic attack and that wasn’t going to help anything. He turned and started to leave the living room. He didn’t make it very far before a hand wrapped around his wrist and stopped him.

“Do not walk away from me.” Rozanov hissed, tightening his grip on his wrist. Shane ripped his arm out of Rozanov’s grip then spun around and shoved Rozanov away from him.

“Don’t touch me.” Shane growled. He was panting and he could tell his face was red. Rozanov stared at him, his hazel eyes wide. Rozanov was breathing hard too. Shane could feel his bottom lip tremble and he pressed them together to stop it. He refused to cry over this man again. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

“Do you have any idea what it felt like to hear the man you love tell you that you are nothing to him?” Shane couldn’t stop himself from asking. He needed Rozanov to know this. 

“It felt like my chest had been cracked open and someone-” he stopped to reevaluate what he was about to say. “You had reached in and ripped my heart out. I thought being ignored for 6 months was bad enough. Having my heart ripped into pieces was worse.” Shane told him. He saw Rozanov open his mouth and he knew if he didn’t keep going, he wasn’t going to be able to.

“And then, I find out that I’m fucking pregnant. Which I didn’t even know was a fucking possibility for me. And I instantly knew it was yours because I hadn’t slept with anyone since that first night in Toronto. Because whether my mind knew it or not, my heart had been yours for a long fucking time. And I was so fucking scared.” Shane kept talking, his eyes boring into Rozanov’s, trying to convey to him just how confused and scared he was. 

“I wanted to tell you; I did. You were the first person I thought of. And I almost called you. But then those 3 words came back to me and I remembered that you…didn’t…care. And the further along I got, I thought about what could happen if I did tell you and something leaked. What would happen to your career. To you. I was more than willing to risk my career but I wasn’t about to risk yours. And I’m not an idiot, I know things are fucking horrible in Russia for people like us. I couldn’t be the reason something happened to you.” 

“That was not for you to choose! I should have been given choice!” Rozanov yelled, stepping closer to him. 

“You didn’t give me a choice when you decided we were nothing!” Shane shot back. Rozanov looked like Shane had hit him. It seemed Rozanov hadn’t thought about that. To be honest, neither had Shane until that moment. But thinking about it…it was true, wasn’t it? Rozanov had decided that they weren’t anything and that they couldn’t be anything without ever even considering what Shane wanted or even trying to talk to him. 

“I…” Rozanov floundered for words. Shane almost felt proud of himself for rendering Rozanov speechless.

“Didn’t think about that, did you?” Shane asked, tilting his head. He knew he was being petty. And part of him really didn’t care.

“I didn’t get a choice in that. And I sure as hell didn’t get a choice in whether I fell in love with you either.” Shane said on a wet, humorless laugh. Rozanov frowned at him. 

“What does that mean…?” Rozanov asked, all anger seemingly gone. Shane blinked. He hadn’t even really realized he’d said that. But it was out there now.

“It…I….” Shane wasn’t sure how to explain it, if he was honest. He just knows that, even if he had tried - which he hadn’t tried very hard - he wouldn’t have been able to stop falling in love with Ilya Rozanov. Shane blew out a frustrated breath.

“Just forget it. This isn’t getting us anywhere. Maybe it's best if you leave.” Shane said, turning away from him a bit. 

“No, you wanted to talk so we talk.” Rozanov said, taking half a step towards him again. Shane stepped away.

“We aren’t accomplishing anything, Rozanov. We’re just going in circles.” Shane sighed.

“Hollander-”

“Get out!” Shane practically screamed it. He was so close to breaking down into a panic attack and he wasn’t sure he wanted Rozanov here for that. He braced his hands on the back of the couch and closed his eyes. He listened to the sounds of Rozanov’s footsteps retreating to the door, him putting on his shoes, the front door opening and then Rozanov slamming it closed behind him.

Shane lasted 15 seconds before collapsing to his knees in tears.

Chapter End Notes

Well....that could have gone better.

These boys really can't communicate to save their lives, can they?

As always, I will see you all in the next one. Love you guys and please be nice to yourselves and each other. 🥰

Chapter 24: Chapter 24

Chapter Notes

Alright!

This one took a little bit for me to write. Mostly because I wasn't sure how to start it. But once I got it started it, it started to flow pretty easily.

Translations are in the end note!

Enjoy!

Chapter 24

Ilya

Ilya made it to his car in a matter of minutes. He was honestly not sure how he made it down there that quickly. The minute he was in the car, the sounds of the city muffled by the car, he began to panic.

His hands tightened on his steering wheel so tightly the leather creaked. His heart felt like it was beating a million miles a minute and he couldn’t breathe. His chest felt tight and his vision was tunneling. He could feel tears gathering in his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut and folded himself forward and rested his forehead on his steering wheel.

He wasn’t sure how long the panic attack lasted. By the time it faded, his fingers were cramped and his shoulders were tensed so tightly he knew he would be feeling it for a few days. He forced his eyes open and stared down at his legs. He focused on his breathing, his heart beating steadily in his chest. Slowly, he lifted his head from the steering wheel and uncurled his fingers from around it. He needed to go home.

~~~~~~

Ilya usually spent his drives blasting music. This drive was spent in complete silence. He couldn’t stop thinking about that absolute shitshow of a conversation with Hollander. He kept replaying it over and over in his head. 

“Do you have any idea what it felt like to hear the man you love tell you that you are nothing to him?”

Ilya knew what he had said that night in Vegas was wrong. And he hated himself for what he’d said. 

“You didn’t give me a choice when you decided we were nothing!”

Ilya’s heart had stopped beating when Hollander said that. He had never considered that he had taken Hollander’s choice away when he said that. 

“I sure as hell didn’t get a choice in whether I fell in love with you either.”

Ilya had to wonder if Hollander regretted falling in love with Ilya. After everything, Ilya sure as hell wouldn’t blame him.

~~~~~~

Ilya stood at his kitchen island and stared at the surface of it for…he’s not sure how long. After he blinked himself back into his body, he pulled his phone out, unlocked it and then called Svetlana. He drifted into the living room as he listened to it ring. She finally answered after a couple rings.

“Илюша? Всё в порядке? Ты ведь обычно не звонишь мне так часто.” She asked the minute the line connected. Ilya sat on the couch and rubbed his face. His eyes stung again and his breath caught.

“Илюша? Эй, что случилось?” He could hear the concern in her voice and he hated and loved it in equal measure. He took a deep breath and leaned back. 

“Мне нужна помощь, Света. Я не знаю, что делать…” His voice wasn’t much louder than a whisper and he prayed to his Mama that she heard him. He heard some shuffling and then a door close. 

“Что тебе нужно, Илюша? Чем я могу помочь?” Her voice was soft and gentle coming through the speakers and he felt like a little boy again. He slumped down a little and couldn’t help the tears that began to stream down his cheeks. He couldn’t even talk through the tears. He could hear Sveta speaking gently to him and trying to calm him down. 

It took a few minutes but he finally managed to calm down. When he opened his eyes, he found he was on the floor, his back against the couch and his legs pulled to his chest. One hand had his phone pressed to his ear and the other was clutching his cross. 

“Илья? Ты ещё со мной?” He heard Sveta say through his phone speakers. He took his first deep breath in…fuck, he didn’t know how long. He nodded, even though she couldn’t see him.

“Да... Я здесь…” He said, his voice rough and shaky. He leaned his head back against the couch cushions and tried to ease the tension in his muscles. 

“Я не знаю, с кем ещё поговорить об этом, Света…” Ilya said. Fuck, he sounded so pathetic. 

“Ладно. Я здесь, Илюша. Что происходит?” She asked him, attentive and gentle. Ilya closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was about to do this. For the first time in years, he was about to tell someone about Hollander. About the one part of his life that he had kept hidden away for so long. That he had fucked up to spectacularly that it was kind of funny. 

“Речь идет о «Джейн»…” And that’s how it started. The minute he started talking, he couldn’t stop.

He told her everything, from that fateful meeting in Regina in 2008 to that horrible night in Las Vegas in 2014. And then to the shit show of a conversation they just tried to have an hour ago. By the time he was done, he was on the verge of tears again. And Sveta…She had been silent for a suspiciously long amount of time.

“Света...?” He asked, finding he was actually scared to know what she thought.

“Я всё ещё здесь. Просто... обдумываю…” She answered him after another long moment of silence. Ilya opened his mouth to say something but then decided to just shut it and wait for her to tell him her thoughts. Which was probably going to be something brutally honest.

“Вы... оба — чертовы идиоты.” Was the first thing she said after a couple minutes. Ilya couldn’t help but chuckle. Yeah. That seemed pretty accurate.

“Вам нужно серьезно поговорить с ним. Но при этом должен присутствовать посредник, который остановит вас, если вы оба начнете вести себя как дети.” She told him, her tone leaving no room for argument. A mediator? He hadn’t thought of that.

“И кого именно, по-вашему, следует назначить этим посредником? Об этом знают только два человека.” He snapped. He didn’t really mean to snap, but he did. He was so fucking frustrated with the whole situation. He wanted it over but he didn’t know how to fix it either.

“Через пару недель я буду в Бостоне. Я это сделаю. Так ты сможешь говорить по-русски, когда понадобится, а я помогу с переводом.” Ilya’s brain screeched to a halt. What? 

“Это придётся отложить до вашего матча с «Монреалем», потому что до тех пор меня не будет в городе. Обязательно сообщи об этом Шейну, чтобы он был в курсе. По крайней мере, попробуй задействовать мозги, которые, как я знаю, у тебя есть, Илья. У тебя ведь не так уж много было сотрясений мозга.” She kept talking. Ilya was understanding what she was saying but he wasn’t fully processing it. 

“Хватит вести себя как придурок и думай, прежде чем говорить, Илюша. Увидимся через пару недель. Люблю тебя!” Before he knew it, the call was disconnected and he was left staring at his phone in disbelief.

What the fuck just happened?!

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane had spent the entire weekend at Zayne’s place. He knew that if he spent more than a few minutes alone, he was going to spiral out of control and do something stupid, like relapse. He felt bad taking up space in Zayne’s tiny apartment but Zayne had assured him that he was more than welcome. And it helped that Noelle loved him.

Shane had broken down the first night after Noelle went to bed and told Zayne what had happened. Only the basics. Zayne didn’t know that the man in Shane’s story was Ilya Rozanov. He had a feeling that Zayne would never go to another Bears game again if he did. And Zayne had been an avid Bears fan for years. 

Zayne gave him the dreaded look of disappointment. And the thing was…Shane knew that he’d messed the whole thing up. He’d tried and the minute Rozanov had brought up Lily, Shane had gotten defensive. The truth was, Shane didn’t know how to talk to Rozanov. He never knew how to talk to him. That wasn’t what they did. 

Shane told himself that he was going to try and reach out again once they were back at practice. Apologize for how he reacted during the talk. That plan went out the window on Monday morning, though, when he got to the rink. Coach was already there and he stopped Shane before he even made it to the locker room.

“Shane. Glad I caught you.” Ben said, stepping out of his office before Shane even passed it. Shane blinked at him. 

“Hi.” Shane said dumbly. 

“The game against Montreal is in exactly two weeks. We need to be prepared. I found some training and game footage on their new center.” He said. Shane’s brain instantly switched into hockey mode. 

“You did?”

“I did. A friend of mine is on staff at Montreal and managed to get some training footage over the last couple weeks. I want to go over it with you before we start practice.” Shane was nodding before LeClaire had even finished talking. 

“I know a lot about how Montreal works. But I don’t know anything about their new center. I’ll need to see footage from their games last season too.” Shane said as he stepped into LeClaire’s office. LeClaire nodded.

“I have that. I can send it to you. Do you want to sit out today’s practice and focus on the footage?” Shane nodded. 

“Is that okay?” He asked, pulling his laptop and notebook out of his bag.

“I’ll let the boys know.” LeClaire sat at his desk as Shane sat down at the couch in the office. He opened his laptop and powered it on. Shortly after, he received an email from LeClaire with the footage he needed.

“If you need anything, I’ll be on the ice.” Shane barely heard him, already beginning the first video from last season. 

~~~~~~

Shane was so engrossed in the footage that he didn’t even notice when Reilly and LeClaire came into the office hours later. He had shifted to sit on the floor in between the couch and the coffee table. His glasses had made an appearance, now sitting on his nose so he could better see what was happening in the videos he was watching. 

He was paying such close attention to the video he was watching that he jumped nearly three feet when LeClaire called his name.

“Fuck! Shit!” He yelped, throwing his pen in surprise. He hit the spacebar on his laptop, pausing the video and looked up at Reilly and LeClaire, both of them mildly amused. 

“Sorry. I didn’t hear you guys come in.” He mumbled, his ears and cheeks burning in embarrassment. 

“It’s alright. How did your research go?” LeClaire asked, sitting on the couch on Shane’s right. Shane perked right up and grabbed his notebook which was now full on notes

“I learned a lot. They haven’t changed much, to be honest. Most of their formations are the same. Lines are the same too for the most part. The only change is the center and it really wasn’t a good change. He’s fast, that’s for sure but he’s cocky and arrogant. He got in more fights last season that was necessary. He took a lot of shots on goal but didn’t make very many of them. He scored one hat trick against Buffalo but we all know how horrible Buffalo is so that really isn’t that much of a feat. Their best game was against Ottawa last season where they won 4-2. He scored 2 of those goals and every single one of those was off an assist off Hayden. Most of his goals are off assists; only 4 of his goals last season were his own. He served a shit ton of time in the penalty box. Almost all of it was for fighting. Some of it was for cross-checking, hooking and slashing. He’s young, though. Just a rookie. As far as the rest of the team…Hayden is the new captain. They didn’t even make it to the playoffs last season. Boston kicked them out of the running pretty early on. According to the training videos from this season, it looks like they’ve been working on their defense and Drapeau, their goalie, has been working on strengthening his weakside. They’ve also been working on the new center's shot and getting him to make goals on his own, not just off assists.”

When Shane looked up from his notes, both LeClaire and Reilly were staring at him with matching looks of shock, jaws practically on the floor. He blinked.

“What…?”

“Your powers of analysis will never fail to amaze me.” Reilly breathed. LeClaire cleared his throat and slapped his hands on his thighs then pushed himself to his feet.

“Well…We better get to work then.”

~~~~~~

The next two weeks were very busy. LeClaire started them out with back-to-back film days. The entire team sat in the film room in the arena and watched game tape on Montreal for two days straight. Afterwards, LeClaire and Shane both quizzed the team on what they noticed. After that, LeClaire pushed them hard in practice. If they were hoping to win this game, they needed to be in their best form, which meant no mistakes. 

Shane was minted on the second line with Vic and Carmy and spent most practices solidifying their chemistry on the ice. When they weren’t doing that, they were doing drills or scrimmages. Shane was put in charge of helping get Marly better at taking passes and helping Cadyn with his edges. The others knew what their little weaknesses were and Rozanov stepped up as captain to help them.

Practices were so brutal and exhausting that Shane would collapse into bed after getting home every day. He didn’t have the energy or time to think about anything else but what he needed to do for practice the next day and how long it was until the game. Rozanov didn’t occupy a single part of his mind.

Before he knew it, two weeks had passed and he was arriving at the arena to get onto the bus to take them to the airport to fly to Montreal for the game. Shane had kept his routine largely the same. He had a therapy appointment the day before and he felt…moderatly prepared. Physically, he was prepared. Mentally…sure. He definitely could have been more prepared but he was taking what he could get.

Once he was on the plane, sitting next to Marly - thank God - he pulled out his headphones and started his music. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the headrest. He dozed off within minutes. 

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya sat in the row behind Hollander and Marly and watched as Hollander fell asleep. He was dreading this game. Just as much, if not more, as Hollander was. They were facing those fucktards at Montreal on home ice after they had treated Hollander like shit. And Hollander was putting on a brave face for the rest of the team. But Ilya knew that he was freaking out under the surface. Ilya could see the tension in his shoulders, the way his eyes went distant at times, the way his fingers kept flexing around the strap of his backpack. Ilya knows Shane Hollander, at least in some ways. He just wished he could help relieve some of that tension. The way they used to.

Ilya only relaxed when he saw Hollander’s breathing start to even out and he knew he was asleep. Only then did Ilya lean his own head back and close his eyes. It was a short flight, only about an hour and a half, but it was long enough for Ilya to get a short nap in. 

Too soon, he was being shook awake by Hammer and being told that they were about to land. He simply nodded and sat up. He couldn’t help but look to the row ahead of him at Hollander. Of course, he was already awake and talking quietly to Marly. He couldn’t hear what was being said but whatever Marly said made him smile. While Ilya hated that he couldn’t be the one making Hollander smile, seeing some of the tension ease out of him…made Ilya breathe a bit better.

Deboarding the plane took forever, like it always does because this team can’t take anything that’s not a hockey game seriously. Once they were off the plane and through the airport, they boarded the bus that was going to be taking them to the hotel. Ilya was hoping that he was either going to be getting his own room or rooming with Marly or Hammer. 

Fate, it seemed, hated Ilya Rozanov. Because after they arrived at the hotel and LeClaire had gotten the room keys, he started calling out room assignments. Ilya’s heart dropped into stomach which then dropped out of his ass when he heard his name called out directly followed by Hollander’s. 

Fuck…him.

~~~~~~

If Ilya thought the 4 days of practice after their yelling match in the locker room was awkward, this… was infinitely worse. The entire elevator ride up to their floor was silent. The only sounds was the horrible music they always played in elevators and the sound of Hollander tapping his fingers on the railing in the elevator. They both flinched when the doors opened. The walk down to their room was silent. Ilya had the keys so he opened the door. He let Hollander in first.

Ilya flipped on the hallway light as Hollander went to the beds. He watched as Hollander stood in the middle of the room and looked between the beds. He knew that Hollander preferred the bed closest to the window; he never found out the reason why.

“You can take bed by the window.” Ilya simply said, plopping his bag down on the other bed. He heard Hollander make a surprised noise from behind him. He turned his head and looked at him. Hollander’s cheeks had turned a soft shade of red, making his freckles pop and Ilya had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop the groan that crawled up his throat. Hollander simply nodded then went to his bed and put his bag down. Ilya watched from the corner of his eye as he began to unpack the essentials. This was going to be a very long day and a half…

~~~~~~

They were only able to stay at the hotel for a couple of hours before they had to be at the Bell Centre Arena for the game. Ilya had spent those two hours trying to get some more sleep. Hollander had spent it - predictably - going over game tape again. After Ilya had failed at falling asleep after the first hour, he huffed and got up and asked if he could watch with Hollander. 

Hollander had looked like Ilya had asked him if he could eat him out at center ice in the middle of a game. Ilya had simply said that if he couldn’t manage to get some sleep, he might as well see if he can get some more information on Montreal. Hollander had nodded and shifted over and made room for Ilya. It was extremely awkward for about 20 minutes before they both seemed to forget the other was there and focus in on the footage in front of them.

The hour passed quickly after that and before they knew it, it was time to head to the arena. Ilya had a front row seat to the tension that latched onto Hollander like a suit of fucking armor. He watched as his shoulders pushed back then rose up towards his ears, his hand tightened around his gear bag and his unoccupied hand clenched into a fist so tightly, Ilya was worried his nails had broken the skin of his palms. His jaw was clenched so hard, Ilya was almost positive he could hear Hollander’s teeth creaking from 5 feet away and there was a deep furrow to his brow that Ilya had to fight not to reach over and smooth away with his thumb.

The drive to the arena was short. The admin team had gotten them a hotel fairly close to the arena this time. Ilya wasn’t sure if he was grateful or not. Usually, the team was loud and excited for their first game of the season. This time, though…the bus was silent. Ilya wasn’t sure about everyone else, but he was almost dreading this game. Don’t get him wrong, he was definitely looking forward to beating some Montreal ass. But he wasn’t looking forward to what Montreal was going to pull with Hollander. 

Whatever they tried - it didn’t matter what had gone on between them, how angry and hurt Ilya was - he was going to protect his teammate.

Chapter End Notes

The next chapter might take me longer to write because it will consist of the game and I don't know enough about hockey to write it accurately so I'm gonna be enlisting my husbands help for that. So if it takes me a couple days to post, that's why. I didn't die, I promise!

Translations:
Илюша? Всё в порядке? Ты ведь обычно не звонишь мне так часто. - Ilyusha? Is everything alright? You never call me this much.
Илюша? Эй, что случилось? - Ilyusha? Hey, what's wrong?
Мне нужна помощь, Света. Я не знаю, что делать… - I need help, Sveta. I don't know what to do...
Что тебе нужно, Илюша? Чем я могу помочь? - What do you need, Ilyusha? What can I do?
Илья? Ты ещё со мной? - Ilya? Are you still with me?
Да... Я здесь… - Yeah...I'm here...
Я не знаю, с кем ещё поговорить об этом, Света… - I don't know who else to talk to about this, Sveta...
Ладно. Я здесь, Илюша. Что происходит? - Okay. I'm here, Ilyusha. What's going on?
Речь идет о «Джейн»… - It's about "Jane"...
Света...? - Sveta...?
Я всё ещё здесь. Просто... обдумываю… - I'm still here. I'm just...processing...
Вы... оба — чертовы идиоты. - You...are both fucking idiots.
Вам нужно серьезно поговорить с ним. Но при этом должен присутствовать посредник, который остановит вас, если вы оба начнете вести себя как дети. - You need to have a serious conversation with him. But with a mediator there to stop you when you two decide to be children about it.
И кого именно, по-вашему, следует назначить этим посредником? Об этом знают только два человека. - And exactly who do you suggest should be said mediator? There are only two people who know about all of this.
Через пару недель я буду в Бостоне. Я это сделаю. Так ты сможешь говорить по-русски, когда понадобится, а я помогу с переводом. - I will be in Boston in a couple weeks. I will do it. That way you can speak in Russian when needed and I can help with translating.
Это придётся отложить до вашего матча с «Монреалем», потому что до тех пор меня не будет в городе. Обязательно сообщи об этом Шейну, чтобы он был в курсе. По крайней мере, попробуй задействовать мозги, которые, как я знаю, у тебя есть, Илья. У тебя ведь не так уж много было сотрясений мозга. - It will have to be after your game against Montreal because I won't be in town until then. Make sure you tell Shane that so he knows what is going on. At least try to use the brain I know you have, Ilya. You haven't had that many concussions.
Хватит вести себя как придурок и думай, прежде чем говорить, Илюша. Увидимся через пару недель. Люблю тебя! - Stop being an ass and think before you speak, Ilyusha. See you in a couple weeks. Love you!

See you in the next one!

Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Chapter Notes

Okay. I know this chapter is quite a bit shorter than the last few have been. Sorry about that. I struggled a little bit with the hockey elements. Hopefully its believeable enough.

Also, I see all of your comments about not being sure about Svetlana being the mediator and I promise you all! I have a plan!

Enjoy!

Chapter 25

A year ago, Shane Hollander had every intention of retiring in this arena. Having his jersey hung up in the rafters, his name going down in history as the first Asian captain of the Montreal Voyageurs. The one who dragged them up from the depths and brought them to the top of the NHL.

Now…he was entering the arena as a visitor, playing for a different team. To the Voyageurs - aside from Hayden and J.J. - he was entering this arena a traitor. A few months ago, that title stung. It still did, a little bit. But not as much as it did. He was happy where he was; a lot happier than he was with the Voyageurs. Even with all of the shit that was going on with Rozanov.

Shane spent the entire bus ride to the arena tense. He knew he was tense and he knew everyone could see it. He wasn’t exactly trying to hide it, either. His mind was running through every scenario possible. What they were going to say, how they were going to act on the ice. They were prepared for their plays, line changes and formations. It was everything else he didn’t know how to prepare for. 

Before he knew it, he was sitting in the visiting locker room, beginning to change into his gear. He was moving on autopilot, his movements mechanical and choppy almost. He had completely disassociated. So much that he didn’t hear that the others were calling his name until Marly put a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and jerked away.

“Hey…It’s just me, Hollzy.” Marly said softly. Shane blinked hard a couple times and frowned.

“We’ve been trying to get your attention for a minute. You good, man?” He heard Vic ask from a couple stalls over. Shane looked at them then around the room at the rest of his teammates. 

“Sorry, guys. I’m just…” He trailed off, not really sure how to explain how he felt.

“It’s all good, Hollzy. You don’t have to explain. We get it. This is probably super weird for you.” Cadyn piped up from his stall. Shane simply nodded. He didn’t know how to explain what he was feeling right now. He couldn’t help but look to his right at Rozanov. Even angry and hurt, the man was still his true north. Rozanov was already looking at him. Rozanov held his gaze for a moment then simply nodded once before standing and moving to the center of the room.

“Okay, listen the fuck up!” Rozanov boomed. Shane couldn’t help but feel excited. This was his first time getting to hear one of Rozanov’s infamous captain's speeches. 

“Montreal are here to make example out of us. Out of Hollander. We are here to show them that they lost the best player they ever had. We will make example out of them. Make them go home crying. This may not be our fucking ice, but this is our fucking game! Bears protect their own!” Rozanov was yelling by the end of it. Shane felt tears stinging his eyes at the cheers the rest of them were throwing around. The noise calmed down when LeClaire came into the locker room.

“I see I missed the infamous Rozanov speech.” LeClaire chirped. Laughter rang through the room. Even Shane chuckled. 

“I know I don’t have to tell you all how brutal this game is going to be. As Hollander already explained and if you’ve spent any time on social media, the Voyageurs have branded him as a traitor. They’ll be targeting him. So let’s stay vigilant, protect your teammates, keep ahold of the puck, score some goddamn goals and win this fucking game.” LeClaire said, hyping the room up even more. Shane started to feel more confident too. He knew he was a good player, one of the best in the entire league. But this was his first game back after two seasons. He was nervous. 

“Roll out!” Rozanov bellowed, grabbing his helmet and leading them all down the tunnel and out onto the ice. Shane could already hear the cheering from the crowd. Montreal had already skated out onto the ice to begin warm ups. The crowd was mainly Montreal fans so of course the stands had erupted into cheers and chants when they had arrived. Now that it was the opposing team…the crowd began to jeer at them. Shane could hear them chanting out ‘Traitor’ when he skated out. He gripped his stick tighter and focused on the ice and getting to his spot to start his warm ups. 

The entire time he was doing his warm ups, he could feel the eyes of his old teammates on him. He was honestly proud of himself for keeping his eyes either forward or down, no matter how much he wanted to look over. He was almost done with his warm ups when Marly and Carmy skated up.

“I think Hell is probably warmer than the looks you’re getting from them, Hollzy.” Carmy said, trying and ultimately failing to make it sound like a joke. Shane snorted softly anyway. It was a good attempt. 

“It probably is.” Shane chirped. They both laughed. 

“There’s a couple of them coming over to the blue line. Think it's Pike and Boiziau.” Marly noted. Shane finally looked over. He smiled a tiny bit. 

“Yeah. They’re my friends. I’m gonna go say hi.” Marly and Carmy both nodded and watched as Shane skated over. Shane felt the telltale signs of Rozanov’s eyes on him as well. It took everything in him not to seek him out. Shane slowly skated to a stop on his side of the blue line in front of Hayden and J.J.

“Man, it is so weird to see you in black and gold.” Hayden said with a smile and a shake of his head. Shane couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Believe me, it was even weirder to put it on.” They both laughed. God, he missed them.

“How are you, Capitaine?” J.J. asked, playfully punching Shane in the arm. Shane shoved him back gently.

“I’m not your captain anymore, J.J.” Shane reminded him. J.J. shook his head resolutely.

“You will always be my capitaine, Hollander.” J.J. quipped. Shane smiled. 

“I’m okay. I found a really good therapist and I’m seeing her regularly. I’ve got some other shit going on, but I’m working on it. How are you guys? How’s Jackie and the kids?” Shane asked. He really missed them.

“The kids are great. Jackie’s pregnant.” Hayden answered. Shane blinked.

“She’s what?” Shane felt blindsided.

“She’s pregnant.” Hayden confirmed with a bob of his head.

“Wha… Again?” Shane blurted without thinking. J.J. started cackling as Hayden’s jaw dropped.

“Jesus Christ, man. You really gotta work on your lying. ‘Oh, Hayden. I’m so happy for you. That’s wonderful news.’” Hayden mimicked, waving his hands around a bit as J.J. laughed his ass off next to him. Shane laughed a bit.

“No, that’s great. I mean, a fourth kid is amazing.” Shane managed. Hayden scoffed but he was still smiling. Shane was genuinely happy for him. He turned when he heard someone skate closer. It was Vic. Warm up’s were over. Game was starting soon. Shane turned back to his friends.

“Not gonna go easy on you just because you’re my friends.” Shane chirped as he skated backwards away from them, flipping them both off as he did. Hayden gawked at him as J.J. returned the gesture with a shit eating grin. Shane spun around and skated back over to his team. 

And so the game began…

~~~~~~

The game was a bloodbath from the minute the puck dropped. Rozanov won the first face, because of course he did. Montreal was playing like they had something to prove, which Shane supposed they kind of did. This was their first game playing against Shane Hollander, the generational player that everyone had their eyes on. They were checking everyone they could at every opportunity possible, mainly gunning for Shane, as he expected. By the middle of the first period, Shane had lost count of the amount of times he’d been checked into the boards. He was definitely going home with some bruises.

But they were up by two points. The first one was scored by Rozanov and Shane had scored the second. J.J. had managed to sneak in a goal shortly after Rozanov got his in. But Shane knew how his old team worked. Especially the defencemen. He was also so much faster than all of them. 

It was his line on the ice for the face off against Montreal’s new center(he never actually learned the kid's name). As he skated up, he got a bad feeling, deep in his bones and he was suddenly very glad that Rozanov wasn’t on the ice right now. As he bent for the face off, the kid in front of him began to grin at him, like he was waiting for this moment. 

“I’m surprised they let you stay in the league, fag.” the kid sneered, almost seeming proud of it. Shane felt more than saw Vic tense to his right but Shane had heard shit like that in locker rooms his whole life. 

“If you’re hoping to affect me, you’re going to have to be more creative than that, champ.” Shane chirped with the same tone of someone talking down to someone much dumber than him. The kid’s eyes widened and he was so taken aback by Shane’s chirp that he didn’t even notice when the ref dropped the puck and Shane won the face off cleanly. He tore across the ice, deking around their defence like they weren’t even there. Shane could see the opening in the net. He always was good at seeing openings, even if they were small. He spun around a player, Gagnon, he thought and shot the puck into the net exactly 2 minutes after winning his face off, putting Boston up 3-1. 

The rest of the first period was spent fighting for the puck. Montreal managed another 5 shots on goal but didn’t get any in. Boston tried as well but no luck. They still ended the first period in the lead. And Shane knew Montreal was pissed. He watched them as they disappeared down the tunnel to their locker room. And every single one of them were shooting daggers in his direction. He couldn’t help but feel a little proud. 

~~~~~~

Looking back on it, Shane should have known that something was going to go wrong. He just never thought it was going to be…that.

~~~~~~

The second period was even more brutal than the first, if that was possible. Montreal was determined to get back those points from the first. And Boston wasn’t allowing it. Shane was very grateful for their goalie right now. Shane cheered from his spot on the bench as Marly scored their first goal of the second, a beautiful assist off Rozanov. Shane could practically see the blood lust radiating off the Montreal bench. 

And that should have been his first clue that something was about to go very wrong. 

They were only about 10 minutes into the second period when it happened. What made it worse is Shane saw it coming. He’d seen it coming through the entire game. The question had just been, when?

Rozanov had the puck and was racing down the ice towards the net, weaving in and out of players beautifully. He was in the zone and he thought he was in the clear. And he was. Until he wasn’t. 

Shane’s not really sure where Comeau came from. When he thinks back on it, he’ll probably realize that he saw him coming but in the moment, he didn’t know where he came from. One minute Rozanov is blasting down the ice and the next, he’s being thrown into the boards. His helmet hits the glass with a crack and he crumbles to the ice in a heap.

Everything is quiet and still for a moment.

Then chaos erupts on the ice.

~~~~~~

Shane Hollander is not a fighter. That does not mean he can’t fight. He plays hockey, which is an extremely physical sport. He has just…never seen the point and has never wanted to fight. He prefers to prove his points by winning games and scoring goals, not throwing punches. It’s been his rule since he started playing hockey seriously. 

But, he supposes…there are always exceptions to the rules.

~~~~~~

Shane’s heart stopped the instant Rozanov hit the ice. He stared at Rozanov’s motionless body. 

“Get up…Get up, Rozanov.” Rozanov wasn’t moving. Shane’s eyes moved to Comeau who was still standing over him. Gilbert Comeau was a large, slimy man, standing at around Marly’s height. He was a typical white hockey player that had zero respect for women. Or anyone for that matter. Comeau was smirking down at Rozanov. Like he was proud that he had taken Rozanov down. And Shane. Saw. Red.

Before he could even think about what he was doing, his gloves were off, he was launching himself over the boards and he was racing across the ice towards Comeau and Rozanov. Distantly, he heard Marly calling his name. He ignored him. He recognized that other fights were breaking out around him but his eyes were trained on Comeau who was just now starting to turn around. Which was perfect for Shane. Because right as Comeau turned fully to face Shane, is the moment Shane grabbed him by the jersey and delivered two quick jabs to the face.

Comeau’s head snapped back, his nose breaking with a satisfying crunch and spewing blood, some of it hitting Shane in the face. He started to fall backwards but Shane’s grip on his jersey kept him upright. It took a split second for Comeau to realize what was happening but once he did, he grabbed Shane and swung back. But Comeau was big and slow. Shane saw the punch coming and ducked. He quickly rose up to his full height again and threw another two quick punches, one to Comeau’s jaw and the other his cheekbone. Shane is pretty sure he saw a tooth go flying. 

Comeau’s skates slipped out from under him and Shane let him hit the ice with a heavy thud. The refs had finally appeared but the fight was over. Shane pushed his shoulders back and flexed his fingers. When he turned around, he saw the medics wheeling Rozanov off the ice on a stretcher. He turned his head when a ref skated up and told him that he was getting a penalty for fighting. He simply nodded. 

Shane Hollander, Canada’s Golden Boy, was serving his first ever penalty. For beating the shit out of a former teammate.

Chapter End Notes

Oh shit! Who saw that coming? Hopefully none of you and I successfully caught all of you by surprise.

I don't know when the next chapter will be out. I am going out of town with my parents this weekend and I don't know how much time I will have to write so I might not be able to get a new chapter out until next week but I promise to work on it when I have time.

Until we meet again!!

Chapter 26: Chapter 26

Chapter Notes

I am back! I know its been awhile since I posted. I got back from out of town with my parents on Monday and I didn't have any time to work on this while I was gone. And I haven't had much time since being back to work on this either.

Now, I know this isn't a very long chapter but I wanted to cut it off where I did so the next one can hopefully be longer.

Hopefully this gets you guys by until the I can get the next one out. Also, I put the translations for the Russian in parentheses after the Cyrillic letters to make it easier for you guys instead of adding the translations to the end notes like I was. Hopefully that makes it easier for you guys.

Enjoy!

Chapter 26

Shane

Shane had been playing hockey for years. He had served some penalties, most of them for stupid shit called from biased and blind refs that had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. This was his first time serving time for fighting. And he had to say…he was having no issues with it. 

He was certainly glad for his mother making him take those boxing classes when he was a kid now. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t have won that fight. He never would have expected that his first fight would be with one of his old teammates. Though, he’s not exactly mad about it.

He still can’t get the image of Rozanov on the ice out of his head. He was so still. And he can still hear the crack of his helmet against the glass. Fuck, Shane wished he knew if he was okay. But he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to find out until after the game. 

Fuck. Shane was going to have to keep playing. He was going to have to finish this game. He looked up at the jumbotron to see how much time was left on his penalty. He had a minute left. He leaned forward and pulled his helmet back on along with his gloves and grabbed his stick. He needed to be ready to be put back into play once his penalty was up. 

The minute his penalty was up and the door to the box was open, he shot out like a bullet and took off after the puck that Hayden had on his stick. It didn’t take him long to catch up. It never did. He came up on Hayden’s left side and poked the puck right off of Hayden’s stick and onto his own. He spun right around on his skates and took off down the ice. He scored Boston’s next goal within a minute of being released from his penalty. 

~~~~~~

Shane spent the entire rest of the game playing like the robot the hockey world thought he was. When he wasn’t on the ice, he was sitting in complete silence and watching the ice with sharp eyes. When he was on the ice, he was shooting up and down the ice, moving around the other players like they were standing still. He scored a hat trick in the beginning of the third. 

Boston was winning by a landslide and it was making Montreal angry. Very angry. They started playing dirty in the third. He managed to avoid most of the checks but he still took a few hard ones. He could feel the bruises forming already. But he didn’t care. He needed to win this game. 

The third period was almost over and Marly had the puck and was on his way towards the net. There was an opening. Shane could see it; he knew Marly could see it. They were winning. But at the last second, Marly passed it to Shane. Shane caught it and deked around behind the net. He saw another opening but only Marly could get it in from where he was on the ice. Shane passed it back to him and nodded once to him. He saw Marly’s jaw clench and the instant the puck touched his tape, Marly took the shot. 

Shane watched in what seemed like slow motion as the puck flew across the ice, went right in between Drapeau’s legs and hit the back of the net. 10 seconds later, the final horn sounded. Shane stared up at the final score almost in disbelief. Boston had won by a landslide. 6-2. He stood on the ice for a solid minute before dropping his stick and his gloves and turned right as Marly, Vic and Carmy rammed into him and scooped him up into a hug. The entire team was cheering. He’s pretty sure he was too; he couldn’t quite tell. He was crying, though. That he knew for sure. 

He did it…They did it…They won.

So why did Shane not feel accomplished?

~~~~~~

Shane should have expected to be asked to do press after the game. It was his first game back and he’d lost it and had his first fight. But he didn’t expect to be in the press room for almost an hour. By the time he was done, he was sporting a nasty headache and he knew he was frowning. He made it back to the locker room and when he walked in, everyone stopped talking. He stopped just inside the door and looked at everyone. 

“What happened…?” He asked slowly, almost afraid of the answer. Marly stepped forward. 

“Coach heard from the hospital.” He started. Shane’s blood ran cold. Ilya.

“How’s Rozanov?” He asked without even thinking.

“Concussion and a fractured collarbone. He’ll be out for a couple weeks.” Marly informed him. Shane felt himself relax. He’s okay.

“Can we go see him?” Shane was already moving across the room to his things. Even if Marly told him no, he was going to the hospital. He needed to see Il-Rozanov.

“Yeah. LeClaire and Reilly were just waiting on you.” Vic said from his stall. Shane was already moving towards the door.

“What are we waiting for? Let’s go.” Shane was out the door halfway through his sentence. He heard the rest of the Bears following him out of the locker room. He led them all down the tunnels and out to the bus. As a unit, they left the arena and made their way to the hospital.

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya felt like shit. Everything hurt. Especially his head and his left arm. He could hear beeping. Groaning, he slowly opened his eyes.

Everything around him was white and smelled sterile. He was in the hospital. Why am I in the hospital? He frowned and tried to think back. He remembered playing in a hockey game. Against Montreal. He had the puck and then…That’s right. He got hit. He doesn’t know by who but it must have been a bad hit if he was in the hospital. 

“Илюша. Ты проснулся…”(Ilyusha. You're awake...) He heard from his right. Sveta. He turned his head a little bit and looked at her. He hadn’t seen her in months. She hadn’t changed a bit. He was so happy to see her.

“Света~”(Sveta~) Ilya sing songed. Oh I got the goood shit~. Ilya thought as he felt a grin split his face. 

“О, ты под кайфом, как чертов воздушный змей…”(Oh, you are higher than a fucking kite...) Svetlana said on a chuckle as she leaned forward. She rested a hand on his arm and moved her thumb over his skin.

“Как ты себя чувствуешь?”(How are you feeling?) She asked him. He frowned and slowly took stock of his body. Now that he was awake, the pain had dulled. Probably due to the pain meds they had him on. But he could still feel it, just under the surface. 

“Болит. Но не так уж сильно.”(Sore. But, not in horrible pain.) He answered. She nodded. 

“Хорошо. Ваша команда уже в пути. Я только что разговаривал по телефону с вашим тренером.”(Good. Your team is on their way. I just got off the phone with your coach.) She told him, letting go of his arm and leaning back in her chair. He watched as she crossed one leg over the other and then folded her arms over her chest. 

“Игра...?”(The game...?) He couldn’t help himself from asking. It had been an important game. Not only was it their first game of the season but it was Shane’s first game back. And it was against Montreal.

“Бостон выиграл со счётом 6:2.”(Boston won. 6-2.) Svetlana answered, watching him carefully. Ilya let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. They won.

“А Шейн...?”(And Shane...?) He asked, the name slipping out without him even noticing. He needed to know that Sha-Hollander was okay. He watched as Svetlana broke out into a slightly crazed grin and laughed.

“Шейн Холландер всех застал врасплох. После того как тебя сбили, он перепрыгнул через борт и снял перчатки, чтобы подраться с Комо. Именно он тебя ударил.”(Shane Hollander took everyone by surprise. After you went down, he jumped the boards and dropped gloves against Comeau. That's who hit you.) Svetlana told him. Ilya’s eyes widened. Hollander got into a fight?!

“Он выиграл?”(Did he win?) Ilya asked. He had absolutely no filter right now, thanks to the pain meds. Svetlana laughed again.

“Победа? Там даже соревнования не было. Холландер обыграл Комо, даже не напрягаясь.”(Win? There wasn't even a competition. Hollander beat Comeau without even breaking a sweat.) Svetlana informed him. Ilya just stared at her. He was having a hard time believing this. Hollander wasn’t the type to fight. He’d never gotten into a fight on the ice. Even when there had been fights on the ice, Sha-Hollander(Jesus, Ilya, get it together) would never participate in them. He would always just stay at the sidelines or try to break the fights up. 

“Вы уверены, что речь идет об одном и том же Шейне Холландер?”(You are sure we are talking about the same Shane Hollander?) Ilya asked, incredulously. Svetlana gave him a look. 

“Шейн Холландер — это единственный в своём роде человек, Илья.”(There is only one Shane Hollander, Ilya.) She told him, dryly. Ilya simply nodded. She was right after all.

He felt himself falling back asleep and he let the urge take him. 

~~~~~~

Svetlana

Svetlana sat in the most uncomfortable chair known to man and watched as her best friend in the world slept. Ilyusha had been playing hockey for years and had taken his fair share of hits but this one…this one was bad. He’d been bruised and had cracked ribs and a shit ton of concussions. But he’d never been out of the game like this. She sighed and rubbed a hand over her forehead.

Fuck, I am so tired.

She looked up when there was a soft knock on the door before it opened. As soon as the door was open, in came Coach Benjamin LeClaire, Clifford Marlow, Victor St. Simon, Brad Hammersmith and Shane Hollander. It seems they told the rest of the team to wait in the hallway or the waiting room.

“Ssh. He is sleeping.” She said softly, sitting up in her chair a bit. She watched as each of the men tensed, except for Shane Hollander and Coach LeClaire. 

“How is he?” LeClaire asked, moving closer to the bed to get a better look at Ilyusha. She had to admit…She quite liked the man. He was a hard ass when needed and kind when it counted. 

“Higher than a kite on pain meds. But he will live.” She answered with a half shrug.

“Could have been worse…” She heard Shane Hollander mumble from his spot by the door. Her eyes snapped to him. The man hadn’t moved since entering the room. His eyes also hadn’t left Ilyusha at all. She watched him curiously for a moment before turning her attention back to LeClaire. 

“We’ll let him rest. You have my number. Keep me updated, yeah?” He asked her. She nodded once and watched as he began to usher everyone out of the room. She silently stood as everyone filed out. 

“Shane Hollander.” She watched him freeze, his shoulders rising around his ears. He was the only one still in the room but he was almost out of the room.

“Are you able to stay? I would like to speak to you.”

~~~~~~

Svetlana didn’t know a lot about Shane Hollander. She knew what the public knew. She knew what Ilyusha had told her the other day. But from what she was seeing right now…she knew without a doubt that he was in love with her Ilyusha. And that broke her heart.

Because they were both fucking idiots. 

She sat and watched Shane Hollander as he sat in another chair on the opposite side of Ilyusha. His warm, chocolate brown eyes never left Ilyusha’s sleeping form. He was tense, it was very obvious. But he was also worried. 

“Do not be mad at him, but…he told me about you two.” She decided to start the conversation out that way. His eyes immediately snapped to her and they widened and he paled. She simply smiled.

“Do not worry. I will not tell anyone. I have been keeping a lot of secrets for this boy for a very long time.” She assured him, gesturing with a hand to the sleeping form of her longest friend. She watched as some of the tension seeped out of him and he nodded a bit.

“What exactly did he tell you…?” He asked her slowly. He was hesitant and wary. She understood. So, she told him what Ilyusha had told her. She kept her eyes on Hollander as she spoke, cataloging his every move and expression. His eyes dulled and they drifted away from her and landed on his lap. He was silent as she finished. 

“Are you going to tell me that I was in the wrong too? For not telling him?” He finally said, his voice quiet, almost resigned. She tilted her head. That wasn’t what she was expecting. 

“No. I was actually hoping to get your side of the story.” She told him. She watched as he blinked once…twice…three times before his head slowly lifted and his eyes rose to meet hers. He stared at her in surprise for a solid minute before he seemed to snap out of it.

“You do?” She nodded.

“I may be close to Ilya but I know when he is being an idiot. And this is one of those times. I would like both sides of the story. If you wouldn’t mind.” She told him.

He nodded a little and sat back in his chair.

He took a deep breath then started talking.

~~~~~~

Now Svetlana loves her Ilyusha to pieces. They had known each other for years. She had seen him in his awkward teenage years, had helped him through the crisis of realizing he was bisexual. But right now, she really wanted to throttle him. She wanted to throttle both of them, honestly.

Shane Hollander had just spent the last 20 minutes telling her his side of what had happened between him and Ilyusha. And while she knew how Ilya operated - that he tended to resort to hurtful words and actions to protect himself - she really hated that side of him right now. 

“Thank you. For telling me all of that. And I am sorry that you lost Liliya.” She finally said after a long couple moments of silence. She watched the surprise flood his expression quickly followed by a deep sadness. 

“He has not told you that, has he?” She asked him. He simply shook his head. She sighed and rolled her eyes and mumbled something very not nice in Russian under her breath. 

“I will be having very strong words with him when he wakes up and is not in the clouds.” She assured him. Hollander chuckled softly.

“Thank you, Svetlana.” She was surprised at how well he pronounced her name. “I should go.” She nodded and watched as he got up.

“Here.” She stood as well and handed him her phone, ready for a new contact to be added. “Give me your number. I want to get to know you better.” He put his number in her phone and handed it back to her. They exchanged goodbyes and she promised to keep him updated on Ilyusha’s condition. Once he was gone, she sat back down and fixed her eyes back on Ilyusha. 

I actually hate you right now, Ilya Rozanov.

Chapter End Notes

Now, I see all of you and your concerns about Svetlana being mediator, but! We all know how she is. She doesn't take ANY of Ilya's bullshit and did you really think she was just going to take his word as absolute truth? She's not dumb. She knows he was looking at the situation through a jaded lens. So, she asks for Shane's side. Because she's smart. Unlike Ilya. And also Shane a little bit.

See you in the next one!

Chapter 27: Chapter 27

Chapter Notes

Okay! Now, I know you're all probably gonna be a little mad at me for ending this chapter where I did but I didn't want to make it super long. Its longer than the last couple have been so there's that!

I told you all I had a plan for Svetlana being mediator! Never doubt the author when they tell you they have a plan!

Anyway! Enjoy this chapter and I will try to get a new one out either tomorrow or Monday.

Chapter 27

Shane

Shane didn’t want to go back to Boston. 

That thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He’d grown to love Boston in the last couple months. But knowing that he was going back to Boston and Rozanov was staying in Montreal for another few days…he hated it. 

He had spent most of the night after the game, lying awake in bed replaying the hit in his head. Now that he wasn’t in the moment, he had seen Comeau coming. He just hadn’t paid him any mind. He was so focused on the absolute beauty of a man that was Ilya Rozanov as he tore down the ice towards the net. Shane knew there wasn’t anything he could have done to stop Comeau. But he wished that he could have warned Rozanov. 

He slept like shit that night. He got maybe 3 hours of sleep. Total. He was awake at 4:30 and in the hotel gym by 5. At 5:30, he was joined by Marly, Cadyn and Vic. By 6, Hammer, Sebs, Carmy and Fella had joined as well. By 6:30, almost the entire team was in the hotel gym. It helped Shane more than he thought it would. 

Ben found them at 7 AM, each of them sitting on or around various gym equipment, talking about random shit. Shane was sitting on the floor next to the stationary bikes, where he’d spent most of his workout. He couldn’t help but think of Rozanov every time he was on a stationary bike. He was more listening than participating in the conversations going on around him. Svetlana had texted him about 20 minutes ago, telling him that Rozanov was awake and annoying the shit out of everyone, as usual. He looked up when Ben came in and the conversations stalled.

“Well…glad to know you all didn’t just wander off.” Ben said, placing his hands on his hips as he surveyed the scene of grown hockey players strewn around a fairly small hotel gym. Shane imagined it was probably a fairly comical sight.

“We couldn’t sleep. Figured we’d do something useful with our time.” Marly piped up from his spot on the floor about two feet away from Shane leaning against a weight bench. Ben chuckled and shook his head.

“Listen…I know we’re all worried about Roz and you don’t want to…but we have to head back to Boston. We have another game in two days and since Roz is out, we need to figure out our lines and plays.” Ben slipped into Coach mode. Shane nodded once then pulled himself to his feet. The others followed suit. 

“Meet up in the lobby in an hour.” Ben ordered before leaving the gym. Shane looked around at everyone before leaving the gym shortly behind Ben.

He made his way up to his room and took a quick shower. Reilly had taken Rozanov’s things to the hospital yesterday so Shane didn’t have to worry about it. After his shower, he packed up his sparse things and then left the room to meet the rest of the team in the hotel lobby. 

Once everyone was there, they all left and made their way to the airport. Shane spent the entire bus ride texting with Svetlana, telling her that they were leaving and she spent the entire time assuring him that she would keep him updated on Rozanov’s condition and let him know when he was discharged and able to come back to Boston.

It wasn’t until Shane was on the plane that he realized…he hadn’t once thought about how angry he was supposed to be with Rozanov. 

~~~~~~

Their next game was against Toronto. It was a home game, which made Shane feel better. He wasn’t sure he could handle traveling again so soon.

Right after they got off the plane and were through security, the bus dropped them off at the rink and Ben put them to work immediately. He started the others on drills while Reilly and Shane started on game tape of Toronto and tried to figure out new lines and plays. Marly was the assistant captain but he didn’t play center well so Shane was moved up from second line to first. 

They practiced until the sun went down. Shane went home with his notebook full of notes and his email full of game tape sent to him from Reilly. He showered when he got home and warmed up a prepped dinner before setting up on his couch and starting to study. He fell asleep on his couch that night. 

When he wasn’t in practice or reviewing game tape and plays, he was texting or calling with Svetlana. Rozanov was discharged the day after the team arrived back in Boston and would be flying back to Boston the day after their game against Toronto. He was still on concussion protocol and wasn’t able to use his phone much so any communication with him was severely limited and Svetlana was very strict on it. And Rozanov was not being a very easy patient, it seemed. It was honestly kind of endearing.

The night before the game, Shane was sitting on his couch, watching more game tape when his phone rang. He frowned and paused the video and looked at his phone. It was Svetlana. He answered and put it on speaker.

“Hello, Shane Hollander.” Came her soft, accented voice through the phone. He rolled his eyes fondly. She insisted on calling him that, no matter how many times he told her to stop.

“Hi, Svetlana. Is everything okay?” He asked, setting his phone down on the coffee table next to his laptop. 

“Yes. Ilyusha is asleep. I wanted to speak to you about something.” She told him. He heard movement on her end, quiet footsteps. He frowned.

“Okay…?” He was getting a little nervous.

“You have a small break after game against Toronto, yes?” She asked. He blinked then picked up his phone and navigated to his calendar. She was right; they did. They had 3 days between the Toronto game and their next one, which was against Buffalo.

“Yeah. 3 days then we fly to Buffalo.” He answered, leaning back against the cushion. 

“Good. Ilyusha will be back in Boston by then. We will all have dinner and you two will talk.” She told him. Her tone left no room for argument. He just stared at his phone for a second.

“Do we get a say in this?” He asked. She laughed softly.

“No. See you in 2 days, Shane Hollander. Good night~” Came her melodious reply before she hung up and Shane was left sitting in his quiet Boston apartment wondering why they hadn’t brought Svetlana into the situation sooner.

~~~~~~

The game against Toronto wasn’t hard. But it wasn’t exactly easy either. Dallas Kent was a good player, so was Troy Barrett. Both of them pissed Shane off to no end. But neither of them were a match for Shane Hollander. Especially a determined Shane Hollander. 

Boston won. 4-3. It was a close game and it almost went into overtime. Almost all 4 of their goals were made in the third period. While the team was happy they won, they were also exhausted. Shane declined the team's offer to go out and celebrate. He needed quiet to rest and recharge. He also needed to prepare for tomorrow. He knew the conversation with Rozanov was going to exhaust him emotionally and mentally. 

Once Shane was home, he took a long shower and then made himself dinner. After he ate, he pulled out his notebook and started writing down the things that he needed Rozanov…Ilya…to know and understand. 

Having a plan would make it easier…right?

~~~~~~

Shane was nervous. And scared. Not of Ilya. Or Svetlana.

He was scared of the outcome of this conversation. He was scared of how Ilya was going to react. He was scared of how he was going to react himself. He was scared of how this was going to affect the team and how they worked together and played hockey together. He didn’t want to lose hockey. But he would if it meant Ilya was happy. He’d give up hockey altogether if it made Ilya happy. He was prepared for that when he got pregnant and he was prepared for that now. Mostly…

Shane pulled up outside Ilya’s house and parked and looked up at it. He had never been here before, no matter how many times Ilya had tried to convince him to come when he was still with the Voyageurs. He shut the engine off and stared at the house. He could see some lights on and a shadow moved past a window. He couldn’t quite tell if it was Svetlana or Ilya. He took a deep breath and grabbed his notebook from the passenger seat and got out of his car. Steadily, he made his way through the gate and up to the front door.

Here we go…

~~~~~~

Shane stood at the front door, staring at it for a solid minute before he worked up the courage to knock. He heard some noise behind the door before he heard footsteps. Familiar footsteps. He felt his heartbeat quicken when he realized it was Ilya coming to the door. He only had a few seconds to prepare before the door swung open and…there he was.

He looked good. Healthy, despite his left arm still being in a sling and his face still being slightly bruised. His curls were fluffy and untamed, like he had just showered within the last hour or so and hadn’t put any product in them. He was in some black Adidas sweatpants, and a black long sleeve Adidas sweatshirt with his left arm in its sling. He blinked his hazel eyes at Shane. Shane smiled a tiny bit and waved.

“Hi…” Shane said, lamely. He watched as Ilya’s eyes raked over him and he felt himself standing up straighter. Svetlana had told him that this dinner was a casual affair so he hadn’t dressed up - even though he had really wanted to(for some reason). He was in some black jeans that he knew made his ass look incredible, one of his favorite deep blue soft hoodies and a black faux leather jacket that Hayden had given him for Christmas last year. 

“Hollander.” Ilya’s slightly rough, accented voice washed over Shane like cool water on a hot day. His tone was soft and gentle, unlike the last time they spoke. Shane felt himself relax. Ilya moved to the side and let Shane inside the house where Shane was hit with the warm smell of garlic, parmesan, chicken and he could hear a fire crackling somewhere in the house. 

“Sveta! Hollander is here!” Ilya called from behind him after closing the door. Shane kicked his shoes off and lined them up by the door. He turned right as Svetlana came around the corner. She smiled wide at him before coming over and pulling him into a hug.

“Good to see you again, Shane Hollander.” She said. He couldn’t help but smile and roll his eyes fondly. He saw Ilya shake his head from the corner of his eye. 

“When are you gonna stop calling me that and just stick to Shane?” He asked as she pulled away. She placed one hand on her hip and tilted her head in thought, her curls bouncing slightly and a couple falling into her green eyes. 

“That is for me to know and you to find out, Shane. Hollander.” She told him, dragging out the syllables in his name, a playful glint in her eyes. He couldn’t help the laugh that pulled out of him.

He liked Svetlana. He wasn’t sure he would, after finding out about her history with Ilya. But after spending the last few days talking to her almost nonstop…He found that he didn’t mind it. He knew that her and Ilya hadn’t slept together in months. Over a year, actually, if she was to be believed. And he knew that there wasn’t any kind of romantic feelings between them. They loved each other, sure. But it was platonic. 

Shane glanced at Ilya before following Svetlana further into the house and to the kitchen where the smell of food was stronger. His stomach growled the closer he got.

“Whatever that it is, it smells absolutely amazing.” He said as he moved to sit at the long island in the kitchen. Svetlana flashed him a satisfied grin.

“It is Ilyusha’s favorite. Chicken parmesan. He insisted on it for tonight.” She told him, shooting Ilya a teasing look before returning to the stove to stir the sauce. Shane looked over at Ilya and found his cheeks had turned a slight shade of pink. He was blushing. Shane had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from chirping him. He wasn’t really sure if they were there yet. Again…

“Well, I can’t wait to try it.” Shane elected to say instead. He put his notebook down on the counter and rested his hands on it.

“It’s almost done. Ilyusha, don’t just stand there. Get our guest something to drink.” Svetlana snapped at him, waving a hand in Ilya’s direction. Ilya gaped at her.

“Excuse me. I am cripple here. Why must I do this?” He snipped, but he was already moving to the fridge. Shane watched with a small smile as he took his jacket off and hung it on the back of his chair. When he turned back around, Ilya was placing a cold can of ginger ale in front of him. And not just any ginger ale. His favorite brand of ginger ale. Shane blinked at the can then looked up at Ilya. Ilya just looked at him, his hazel eyes impossibly soft. 

“Uh…thanks.” Shane said, very dumbly. It seemed his brain just stopped working when he was around Ilya. Although, he’d realized that fact a long time ago. Ilya simply nodded then went to bug Svetlana while she cooked. Shane just sat and watched as they bickered in Russian.

Shane was suddenly hit with the realization that he wanted that. He wanted the domesticity of standing in a kitchen bickering with Ilya over something stupid. He wanted to be able to chirp at him again. To tease and joke. But he wasn’t sure they’d ever get back there. And he knew he was partly to blame for that.

~~~~~~

Dinner was slightly awkward with Svetlana taking the lead in the conversation. The food was amazing and Shane made sure to tell her how well she did. She preened at the compliment which made Ilya roll his eyes in fond exasperation. 

Too soon, dinner was over and they found themselves in the living room. Shane sat about 2 feet away from Ilya in the middle of the couch with Svetlana in an arm chair to Ilya’s right. The TV was on playing, something at a low volume. Shane fiddled with the pen in the rings of his notebook. He heard Svetlana huff and he was pretty sure she rolled her eyes. 

“Иисус Христос…”(Jesus Christ...) He heard her mumble in Russian. He wasn’t sure what it meant but he understood the sentiment behind it. 

“Okay. One of you is going to have to start talking.” She said, sitting up and pointing at the two of them. Shane looked at her then braved a look at Ilya. Ilya was already watching Shane. 

“Should I start this, then?” Svetlana practically barked at them. Ilya snapped at her in Russian and she held her hands up then leaned back in her chair.

“Then start talking, Ilya.” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at them both. Shane watched her then looked back at Ilya. He watched Ilya shift his sling then take a deep breath. 

“I think…you deserve an apology first.” 

That was not what Shane was expecting to hear come out of Ilya’s mouth. Like…at all. He blinked and his mouth fell open slightly.

“I am sorry for the way I treated you in Vegas last year. The things I said…I did not mean them. I was…scared and trying to protect myself. From what, I do not know.” Ilya told him. Shane couldn’t take his eyes off him. 

“And I’m sorry that you had to go through everything alone.” Ilya finished, turning his eyes to Shane.

Shane just stared at him in shock.

~~~~~~

Ilya

When Sveta told Ilya that she had planned this dinner and conversation between him and Hollander, he promptly hid himself in his room and had a panic attack. Logically, he knew that they needed to talk again. Actually talk. The last time couldn’t really be considered a conversation. 

But Ilya wasn’t sure he could actually sit and have a conversation with Hollander. Without breaking down, that is. He had to sit and listen to Sveta yell at him in Russian for 20 minutes straight about how much of an asshole he’d been after he’d woken up in the hospital the second time. He was still angry but he also knew that Hollander was too. 

So, despite how terrified he was, he agreed to have dinner and talk. Although, he knew Sveta wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

And that is how he found himself sitting on his couch, 2 feet away from Hol-Shane, after eating his favorite meal. He couldn’t help but stare at Shane. He was…there were not words for the beauty Shane possessed. Fuck, Ilya loved him. He blinked when he heard Sveta huff from his right. 

“Иисус Христос…”(Jesus Christ...) She muttered to herself before leaning forward.

“Okay. One of you is going to have to start talking.” She demanded, pointing at them both. He rolled his eyes before looking back at Shane. He watched as Shane raised his warm chocolate eyes from the notebook in his lap. Those eyes landed on Sveta then turned to Ilya. Ilya could help but want to drown in those eyes. 

“Should I start this, then?” He heard Sveta bark. Ilya whipped his head around to face her.

“Заткнись, блядь, Света, или я тебя выгоню. Я над этим работаю.”(Shut the fuck up, Sveta, or I will kick you out. I am working on it.) He snapped at her. She merely raised her hands in surrender and leaned back in her chair. 

“Then start talking, Ilya.” She said, crossing her arms over her chest and one leg over the other, leveling them both with a wicked glare. Ilya rolled his eyes then shifted his sling on his shoulder and took a deep breath.

“I think…you deserve an apology first.” Ilya started there because it was true. Sveta had helped him realize that he hadn’t apologized for anything. And that Shane deserved that.

Fuck, Ilya’s heart was beating out of his chest.

He watched as Shane’s eyes grew wide and he blinked before his mouth fell open slightly. He was shocked that Ilya was apologizing. Fuck, Ilya had really messed up.

“I am sorry for the way I treated you in Vegas last year. The things I said…I did not mean them. I was…scared and trying to protect myself. From what, I do not know.” That wasn’t completely true but Ilya hadn’t fully figured out what he was protecting himself from. 

“And I’m sorry that you had to go through everything alone.” Ilya forced himself to say, bringing his eyes up from his lap and looking back at Shane. There were tears shining in Shane’s eyes and he was just staring at Ilya in complete shock. 

That wasn’t what Shane was expecting from Ilya. He watched Shane take a slightly shaky breath, steadying himself. 

Ilya tensed, preparing himself for the worst. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Lily.” Was what came out. Ilya blinked. What…?

“And I’m sorry you had to find out in a room full of people that know nothing about us.” Shane finished, pulling his hoodie sleeves down over his hands. Ilya pressed his lips together and looked back down at his lap then over at Sveta. 

“Это хорошее начало. Не облажайся, Илюша.”(This is a good start. Don't fuck this up, Ilyusha.) Was all she said before she stood and left the living room. 

Leaving him and Shane alone…

Chapter End Notes

Look at our boys! Apologizing like the adults they are! Tell them they're proud of them.

The next part of this conversation is not going to be easy. For our boys to experience or for me to write so give me some grace while I figure out how to write it.

Until next time!

Chapter 28: Chapter 28

Chapter Notes

This was not as difficult to write as I thought it was.

I hope I did it justice and I hope everyone enjoys.

Fair warning, you will probably cry. I cried writing it. 🥲

Chapter 28

Ilya

If you had asked Ilya back in 2013 if he would ever be dreading being alone in a room with Shane Hollander, he would have told you “fuck no”. Granted, back then, absolutely no one knew about them. But the sentiment still remains. 

But now…he feels so anxious sitting on the couch in his house, watching as Sveta leaves the room. Before all this shit happened, he could have made some crack about one of Shane’s recent sponsorships or a move in a game and it would have led to chirping back and forth which would have led to sex. Because that’s what they did. That’s what they were. They didn’t talk about feelings. They didn’t…at all.

But Ilya wanted to. He wanted to talk to Shane. He wanted to listen as Shane told him all about his day and he wanted to tell Shane about his, even if it was boring as hell. He wanted to tell Shane about the shit show that was his family, even if he was terrified it would scare Shane away. And he had a feeling Shane wanted the same thing. Which was what started this whole problem in the first place.

Ilya found himself turning to face Shane more, shifting his arm in his sling a bit. He watched as Shane opened the notebook in his lap and flipped to a specific page with what looked like an outline written on it. He seemed to read it over before shifting to face Ilya. 

“Do you want to go first or should I?” Shane asked after another moment of silence. Ilya relaxed a bit. That was the Shane he knew. Always putting others first. But this time…this time, Ilya needed to put Shane first.

“You can go first.” He forced himself to say. He knew that what Shane was going to say was not going to be kind but he also knew that Shane needed to say it. 

And he knew he needed to hear it. 

Ilya watched Shane look back at his notebook and stare at it for a moment before taking a single, slightly shaky breath. He twirled the pen in his hands for another moment before looking back up at Ilya.

“I know I kind of…ambushed you with trying to…tell you how I felt that night.” Shane started. Ilya opened his mouth to say something but stopped when Shane put his hand up.

“Please don’t. I need you to shut up or I won’t be able to do this.” Ilya snapped his mouth shut and merely nodded. Shane’s hand dropped back down. 

“I didn’t plan on telling you how I felt that night. I don’t think I planned on telling you at all. Ever.” Ilya frowned slightly. That thought…made his chest tighten. He understood. Because honestly, he hadn’t planned to ever tell Shane how he felt either.

“I don’t really know what possessed me to tell you. Or try to tell you. Or even why I asked to go bare.” Shane kept talking. Ilya couldn’t help but watch him as he spoke. He was tense. Ilya hated that, but he understood it. 

“I knew you didn’t feel the same and probably never would but…I guess I just…needed you to know…?” Shane phrased it like a question. Ilya supposed that even after all this time, he still didn’t know why he started that conversation. And Ilya knew why. He probably didn’t like thinking about it. Ilya certainly didn’t. 

“That night…the way you looked at me…and the things you said…” He paused when his voice wavered and Ilya wanted to reach for him but he wasn’t sure he was allowed to.

“I know you didn’t mean it but I’ve spent the last year believing those words. Because the way you said them…you made me believe them.” Shane told him. Ilya could only nod. He knew how to make his words sound sincere, even when they weren’t. He knew how to strike where it hurt the most because that’s what he’d been taught to do since he was a child. That’s what his father does and it’s what his brother does. 

“When I found out that I was pregnant…I was so scared. I didn’t even know that I could get pregnant. I knew it was a thing that could happen but I didn’t think it was a thing that could happen to me.” Ilya understood that. He couldn’t believe that Shane had gotten pregnant either. He knew that a good portion of the male population had the mutation of being able to get pregnant but the thought of Shane being one of them? It seemed…impossible.

“All I wanted was to call you. And I almost did.” Those words made Ilya’s heart break. Because he had wanted to call Shane too. And he had almost done it many times himself. And he’d fucked it up. 

“And then I remembered those three words…And I had to force myself not to. And I had to do that so many times over the last year. Every time something happened with the pregnancy…I wanted to call you. No matter how badly I was hurt…I still wanted you.” His voice wavered and cracked on the last word and Ilya found that his own eyes were filled with tears.

“When I lost her…” Shane started. He had to stop because his voice broke again. Ilya shifted closer, pressing his leg against Shane’s. It was the only comfort he could give right now. He watched, helpless and silent, as Shane took a shaky breath and then continued.

“When I woke up in the hospital and my mom had told me that I had lost her…I thought that night in Vegas when you broke my heart was the worst day of my life. But that day…being told that I had lost the only piece of you I had left…that I had lost our baby…that became the worst day of my life.” Ilya inhaled a shaky breath. He was regretting this conversation. He wanted to run. 

“I had my parents there…and I had Hayd there. But the only person that I really wanted there…was you. But I knew that if I called you…you either wouldn’t answer…or you wouldn’t care.” The way he said it, like he was so sure, made Ilya feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. Which, he supposed, was true. He was. He’d done this. He’d made Shane feel like he couldn’t call him when he had just lost their child. 

“I laid awake that night…staring at your contact in my phone…telling myself not to do it. I finally fell asleep with my phone in my hand.” Ilya bit his trembling bottom lip and forced his tears back. He needed to be the strong one right now. At least, that's what he was telling himself.

“Everything kind of…snowballed. That night in Vegas…getting pregnant…getting dropped from Montreal…and then losing the baby…I hadn’t been in a good mental state since that night in Vegas. I just…didn’t realize it. Losing Lily was just…the final straw.” Ilya watched as Shane actually half shrugged. Like what he was about to talk about was…casual. 

“I didn’t really…plan to try and kill myself. Even though I had the note written for three days…” Ilya’s heart dropped to the floor. Note? He wrote a note?

“I just…wanted the pain to stop. And I regretted it the minute I woke up in the hospital.” That only relaxed Ilya by a fraction. He watched as Shane crossed some things off in his notebook before Shane finally brought his eyes up to meet Ilya’s. And Ilya hated what he saw because what he saw…Ilya put there. Shane’s eyes were red rimmed and filled with tears.

“I really am sorry that I didn’t tell you about her. About… any of it. And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before I told the rest of the team. But you have to understand why I didn’t. I have spent the last year believing you didn’t care about me. Believing you wouldn’t care about our child. And I know now that I was wrong, but…can you really blame me?” His voice had gotten even quieter and Ilya…Ilya hated himself just a little. He was still angry at Shane but he was also so angry at himself.

Because this all started with him.

~~~~~~

Shane

Shane was trying so hard not to start crying, but he was quickly losing the battle. Especially when he saw the blatant heartbreak on Ilya’s face and the tears filling his eyes.

“Even though you broke my heart…and I know I shouldn’t…I still love you. I never stopped. That…was one of the driving forces for why I didn’t tell you…about Lily. I love you too much to be the reason your career was ruined or…or something happened to you with Russia.” Shane knew that it was wrong. He knew it wasn’t his decision to make and he was going to make sure Ilya knew that. But he also needed Ilya to know why he did it. 

“I know it wasn’t right of me to make that decision for you. And I’m sorry that I took that from you.” Shane couldn’t look at Ilya any longer and he dropped his eyes back down to the notebook in his lap. He had said pretty much everything he wanted to. He wasn’t angry anymore. He’d realized that over the last few days and after seeing Ilya get hit on the ice. 

He was just…tired.

“Okay…I’m done.” He pulled his sleeve over his hand and rubbed at his nose as he sniffled. He really didn’t want to cry. He busied himself by closing his notebook. He heard Ilya take a deep, shaky inhale before muttering something under his breath in Russian. 

“That night…in Vegas…” Ilya started talking and his voice was rough, almost hoarse. Shane blinked twice then forced himself to look at Ilya again. He wasn’t looking at Shane anymore. His gaze was fixed on the TV now.

“I did not treat you right from the beginning. I was…stuck in my head. I had been since Sochi.” Ilya admitted. The mention of Sochi made Shane’s stomach twist.

“I am sorry about that too. The way I treated you then and…ignoring you in the months after.” Shane blinked. He never expected an apology for that, especially not now. 

“My family is…intense. My father expects nothing but perfection and my brother…all he wants is money. When my team lost in the Olympics…my father blamed me even though it was not my fault. And…as you said, Russia is not safe for people like us. Pushing you away was…my way of trying to protect you.” That…surprised Shane. Protect him? Ilya was trying to protect him?

“I was…convinced…if someone saw us together…they would know. I know…is stupid.” Ilya ended with a self-deprecating chuckle. Shane couldn’t help but shake his head. 

“And then…in Vegas…I did not think you would agree to come to my room. You were so angry in that bathroom. And you had every right to be. I…was horrible to you. But I was about to go back to Russia…where everything is cold and empty and lonely.” Shane bit his trembling bottom lip. 

“When you started to say those things…I got so scared. Because if you were saying what I thought you were saying…it would mean so much more and I wasn’t…I was not ready for that. I did not think I was deserving of you. With my shitty family and even shittier personality.” Shane hated the way Ilya was talking about himself because there was so much good in him. Shane saw it all. He reached out and placed a hand on Ilya’s thigh. 

“When I said those things to you…I was protecting myself but…I think I was trying to protect you too. In a way. From my family. From Russia. From the shit in my head.” Ilya kept going, his eyes focusing on Shane’s hand on his leg. 

“I know I hurt you and the look on your face when I said those things…it haunts me. It kept me awake at night…it still does.” Shane’s heart broke. He truly didn’t think Ilya cared that much. To hear how much it affected him…

“I wanted to reach out and apologize but…that was not what we did. And I did not think you would want to hear from me.” He sounded so…resigned. Shane hated it.

“It was 2 AM when I found out about you being dropped by Montreal. I wanted so badly to text you and ask what had happened. The urge got stronger the longer no one heard about you signing with another team. And then you disappeared to Ottawa.” Shane wanted to tell him what had been going on but Ilya had stayed quiet while he told his side so Shane was going to give him the same courtesy. 

“I know that I hurt you…and I really am sorry. And I swear to you that I did not mean what I said. But I promise you, Shane…” Shane’s hand tightened on Ilya’s thigh at the sound of his name - his first name - coming out of Ilya’s mouth. Shane’s eyes filled with tears again as Ilya’s eyes met his. 

“If you had told me…I would have been there in an instant. I don’t care about my career and I don’t care about Russia. I care about you.” There was no argument in Ilya’s tone. Only certainty. Shane had to bite his lip. 

“I am so sorry for the way I treated you. The things I said and making you believe that I would not care. I do. I love you, Shane Hollander.”

Shane heard a broken sound and it took him a moment to realize that it was coming from him. His other hand covered his mouth as the tears finally broke free.

“Ой, дорогой…”(Oh, sweetheart...) Shane heard Ilya murmur before he was gently pulled against Ilya’s side. He had no idea what Ilya had just said but the sheer softness behind it was enough to send Shane breaking down into sobs. He curled his fingers into Ilya’s shirt and buried his face into Ilya’s good shoulder.

It took a minute for him to realize that Ilya was crying too.

~~~~~~

Shane’s not sure how long they sit there, holding each other and crying. But, when they finally pull apart, Shane feels immensely better than when he arrived at Ilya’s house. He uses his sleeve to wipe at his face and he sees Ilya do the same out of the corner of his eye. He looks over when Svetlana quietly comes in with a couple glasses of water for them both. He watches her bring them over and set them on the coffee table. He watches her and Ilya have a quiet conversation in Russian and she ruffles Ilya’s hair gently before she leaves the room again. He leaned forward and grabbed a glass and drank some of it. 

“There is…something else I should tell you.” Ilya started. Shane frowned and looked at Ilya again. He put the glass down and turned back to Ilya. 

“Okay…?”

“My mother…she killed herself. When I was 12.” Ilya said, his voice quiet. Shane’s heart dropped and his stomach clenched. Fuck.

“I’m so sorry…I…” Shane started but stopped when Ilya shook his head.

“You did not know. But when you said you had tried to kill yourself…it brought back those memories.” Shane moved closer to him. God, Shane felt horrible. 

“Ilya…I swear to you, I’ll never try again.” He placed a hand on Ilya’s cheek. He leaned into Shane’s touch and nodded. 

“What do we do now?” Shane found himself asking. Ilya’s eyes opened and found Shane’s. Fuck, Shane missed those eyes. He could get lost in those eyes. 

“I…do not know. But…I know I want to try. To be better. For you. If you’ll have me.” Ilya told him. Shane’s heart skipped a beat.

“Do you forgive me…?” Shane had to ask. He knew that if he was in Ilya’s position, he probably wouldn’t forgive him that easily.

“Do you forgive me?” Ilya shot the question back at Shane. Shane didn’t even have to think before he was nodding.

“I do. Fuck, Ilya…seeing you hit the ice and not get up…it made me realize how stupid we’ve both been. Yes, I forgive you.” He pushed his hand into Ilya’s curls, his eyes welling up with tears again as his voice wavered. He felt Ilya’s hand slide into the hair at the back of his neck.

“I forgive you too, Shane.”

A broken sob left Shane’s throat before Ilya sealed his lips over Shane’s.

Chapter End Notes

I am very happy with this chapter so please be nice. 🥹

Our boys finally talked and cried. Are we surprised that they cried? I'm sure not.

Chapter 29: Chapter 29

Chapter Notes

Alright guys. We have reached the end of the journey. Our boys have finally talked and cried. Now they need to figure out what they are and what they want to be.

Little bit of a warning. There is smut at the end of this chapter. I'm not the best at writing smut so be nice about it, please.

Chapter 29

Shane

Shane still vividly remembered the first time Ilya kissed him. Shane’s mind has always been running a million miles a minute. He knows now that he has anxiety and autism; Dr. Kaiser diagnosed him with both when he was in the inpatient facility. Which…thinking back explains a lot about his quirks growing up. 

But when Ilya kissed him for the first time in that hotel room in Toronto…for the first time, outside of hockey, Shane’s mind quieted. And he thinks…that might be why he was always so desperate to kiss him. There were so few things that shut Shane’s mind up but Ilya kissing him…it was his favorite.

For a while, Shane thought that maybe the novelty of it would wear off. That maybe it was just a one time thing. But the more he kissed Ilya, the quieter his mind got. And the more he craved it. 

Shane thought, after Vegas and Lily, that he would never get to have that quiet again except for when he was on the ice. He thought whatever he and Ilya had was over. Part of him, the hopeless romantic part of him, hoped that maybe one day they could find it in themselves to try again. But a bigger part of him knew that the chances of that happening were slim to none.

So to be sitting there, Ilya’s mouth on his again…Shane was thanking whatever gods existed. Because this…the feel of Ilya’s lips moving against his, his tongue sliding into Shane’s mouth and against Shane’s, pulling soft sounds out of Shane…this was heaven to Shane. And it was probably wrong of him to think, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was Ilya and the feeling of him pressed against Shane as much as he could be, feeling that familiar pull once again. To be closer.

That pull between them…it was stronger than anything Shane had ever felt before. Shane knew the instant Ilya walked into a room, even if he couldn’t see him. They could practically read each other's minds on the ice. And while Shane didn’t know that much about Ilya as a person, he could read Ilya pretty well. He knew when Ilya was being an asshole for real or just being an asshole to get under someone’s skin. He knew that most of Ilya’s reputation on the ice was just a facade. Ilya was one of the most caring people Shane had ever met. He had one of the biggest hearts Shane had ever encountered. 

They had to pull away when they heard a throat clear and that’s when Shane remembered that they weren’t alone here. Svetlana was still here. He felt his face heat and knew he was turning red. He turned and buried his face in the crook of Ilya’s neck as Ilya turned to look at Svetlana.

“I am assuming you two made up, then?” She asked, placing her hands on her hips and cocking her head to the side. She was smirking at them. Ilya snarked something at her in Russian and she laughed. 

“No strenuous activity, Ilyusha~” She sang before she swept out of the room. A few minutes later, she heard the front door open and then close. Shane lifted his head from Ilya’s neck and looked up at him.

“Did she leave…?” He asked. Ilya smiled down at him and nodded.

“She said that since she knows we aren’t going to kill each other…we should have some time alone.” Ilya told him, brushing some of Shane’s hair behind his ear.

“Your hair is so long now…” Ilya murmured, running his fingers through the strands.

“I know. I should get it cut.” Shane said. Ilya made a noise like someone had just hit him.

“No~!” Shane blinked up at him in confusion. “I like it. It suits you.” Shane felt his cheeks burn hotter and all he could do was nod. He watched in stunned silence as Ilya’s eyes roamed over Shane’s face, like he was re-memorizing him. And…Shane didn’t blame him. They had been apart for over a year. Shane was doing the same. His hand came up and traced over the bruise marring Ilya’s beautiful face. He felt more than heard the hum Ilya let out.

“I am okay, солнышко.”(sunshine) Ilya murmured softly, his hand coming down to gently cup Shane’s cheek. Shane simply nodded before bringing Ilya into another kiss.

He had spent a year without this. He wasn’t going any longer.

~~~~~~

Ilya

Ilya was pretty sure he was dreaming. Or had died in his sleep and had gone to heaven. One of those had to be the only explanation for what was happening right now. Because there was no way…after the shit he had done, what he had said to Shane…that he deserved to hold him again. To kiss him again.

But that was what he was doing. He was sitting on his couch, in his house in Boston, with Shane straddling his lap. He had Shane’s hands all over him, in his hair, over his face, and running over his body, but being oh so careful of his left collarbone. He had Shane’s lips on his, his tongue in his mouth and the noises Shane was making was washing over Ilya like warm water on a cold winter's day. 

But as much as he wanted this to go further, he knew they couldn’t. Not only would Sveta kill them both for fucking up Ilya’s collarbone worse, but they still needed to talk some more.

Sliding his hand into Shane’s hair and tangling his fingers into the silky black strands, he tugged Shane’s head back and away from Ilya’s mouth. He chuckled at the whine that left Shane’s throat.

“I know, дорогая.”(darling) Ilya tutted. He watched as Shane almost seemed to struggle to open his eyes. His pupils were blown, almost turning his beautiful brown eyes black. His cheeks were flushed red, making those freckles that Ilya loved stand out. He was panting a bit and Ilya knew that if he didn’t put a stop to this now, he wasn’t going to be able to stop. 

“We can’t, Shane. I’m still hurt. And we have other things we need to talk about.” Ilya forced himself to say. He watched as Shane’s eyes drifted down to Ilya’s arm in the sling and his face pinched before he nodded. Ilya let go of Shane’s hair so he could move out of Ilya’s lap. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Ilya shook his head.

“Is okay. Is been a long time. I want it too.” Ilya assured him.

“We need to figure out where to go from here.” Ilya started. Shane took a deep breath and nodded again. 

“I don’t think I can go back to being just…fuckbuddies.” Shane told him. Ilya nodded. He understood that. He couldn’t either.

“I do not want that either.” Ilya agreed. 

“So…boyfriends?” Shane asked like he was afraid of the answer. But also like he was hopeful. Ilya smiled.

“If that is what you want. It is what I want.” Shane’s entire body relaxed when Ilya said that and he grinned.

They spent the next few minutes talking in more detail. They decided that obviously LeClaire and Reilly needed to know but they got stuck on if they should tell the rest of the team or not. They decided that they would get LeClaire’s opinion when they told him. They decided that they needed to tell Shane’s parents as well. Shane wanted to tell Hayden Pike but decided not to. Instead, he told Ilya he would tell one of his new friends, a man named Zayne who he told Ilya he met at the hospital after he lost Lily. Shane also obviously needed to tell his therapist.

They had finished figuring that out when a thought occurred to Ilya. 

“Shane…you said Lily was a stillbirth. That means…she had a body and everything, right?” He asked, his voice quiet. Shane nodded a little bit.

“Yeah…I was able to hold her…for a little bit.” Ilya felt a sharp stab of anger but he quickly shoved it down.

“Is she…buried somewhere…?” He asked, picking at a string on his sweats. Shane put a hand on his leg.

“Yeah. We buried her in Ottawa. She’s under a tree in the backyard of my cottage facing the lake.” Shane told him, his voice wavering. Ilya looked at him and realized very quickly how hard that must have been for him. 

“I am glad she is resting somewhere beautiful.” Ilya whispered. Maybe one day soon, he could visit her.

~~~~~~

The next few days were fairly busy. They spent it telling LeClaire and Reilly about them being a couple and preparing for their next game against Buffalo. Ilya wasn’t going to be playing but since he was out of the hospital and back in Boston, he could be at the rink and helping from the sidelines.

Their conversation with Reilly and LeClaire went surprisingly well. LeClaire told them that it was ultimately up to them if they told the rest of the team but he strongly suggested they tell them at some point. He also heavily implied that it would be hard for them to keep it a secret from the rest of the team for very long, especially with the way they were looking at each other. LeClaire left them to talk for a minute and they decided that they would get through this stretch of away games they were scheduled for and then they would tell the team.

They won against Buffalo because of course they did. It was Buffalo. Ilya was there on the bench the entire time, cheering them on and helping call out plays. It was a home game so they all went out after the game. Shane invited Zayne out as well, which Ilya was not very happy about. But once he met Zayne, he realized that he actually really liked Zayne. Especially when he saw how red Marly got when Shane introduced them. Ilya watched in delight as Marly and Zayne kept getting closer all night. By the end of the night, they were pressed against each other and Marly was playing with Zayne’s auburn curls. Ilya did have to admit…they were cute together. Shane did good matching them up. 

The away games were harder than they expected them to be. There were 4 of them. They won 2 and lost 2. Hammer ended up getting hurt in the second game which was probably part of why they lost the other two games. Shane blamed himself, even though Ilya and everyone else told him that it wasn’t his fault. It was just a string of bad luck. 

Ilya and Shane decided to tell the team about them after they returned home from their away games because they had a couple of days free. They did it by inviting everyone over to Ilya’s house. The team took it…as well as could be expected. Marly, Hammer and Vic said they knew it all along. Ilya believed that Hammer and Vic probably figured it out. Marly on the other hand…he highly doubted that he had figured it out. 

They obviously had to make sure that the team knew they couldn’t tell anyone. If this got out, it could seriously hurt their careers. As much as they liked to say that they didn’t care, they actually liked being able to play hockey. And they’d like to be able to do so for as long as possible.

Telling Shane’s parents was a whole other level of tension for Ilya. He knew how close Shane was to his parents and he also knew how much his parents didn’t like Ilya. They’d been rivals for years and Ilya knew his parents took that pretty seriously. Shane assured him it was mostly his mom. But there was also the fact that telling Shane’s parents about them being together meant also telling them about the fact that Ilya was Lily’s other father and that he was the one that hurt Shane so badly. 

Ilya was right in assuming that Shane’s mother, Yuna, was not happy in learning of their relationship. Or that they’d been involved before. Or that Ilya was the reason behind all of the pain in Shane’s life. But with the help of Shane and Shane’s father, David, the interaction ended better than Ilya could have expected. Shane’s parents left the apartment with Ilya’s number in their phones and plans to have dinner at his house the next time they were in Boston.

~~~~~~

Shane

Two Weeks Later

The Bears had just won against Florida on home ice and the team was trying to convince him to come out with them to celebrate. But he was intent on turning them down. He had other plans.

“Sorry guys. I can’t tonight. I have plans.” He told them, pulling his hoodie over his head. He grinned at the collective groan that rang through the locker room. He shook his head then reached for his phone when he heard it vibrate on the shelf in his stall. His heartbeat skipped when he saw the notification. 

Ilya 🧡🏒: when are u going to b home? i miss u 😢

Shane couldn’t help the grin that he felt splitting his face. This was why he couldn’t go out. He had his boyfriend to go home to.

Shane 💙🌈: I’m about to leave now. Putting on my shoes. Be there in 10. 

He typed out the message quickly then put his phone in his pocket and slid his shoes on quickly.

“What could be more important than celebrating our win?” He heard Cadyn practically whine from his stall. Shane looked up and over at him.

“I don’t think we really want the answer to that question.” Marly piped up from next to Shane. Shane couldn’t help but smirk.

“You really don’t.” Shane snarked as he grabbed his gear bag. The room was silent before a collective groan of disgust rang through the room. Shane laughed as he walked to the room.

“See you guys tomorrow!” He called as he left the room and then the rink. 

~~~~~~

Shane had barely made it in the door of Ilya’s house before he was pinned to it and his mouth was being attacked by his boyfriend. His knees nearly buckled from the sheer want and need that rushed through him at the feeling of Ilya’s tongue pushing into his mouth and his hands pushing under Shane’s hoodie and grabbing at Shane’s hips. A low groan made its way out of Shane’s throat.

They’d been waiting weeks for this. Ilya had just gotten word from his doctor and the team physician this morning that he was cleared for play. And for sex. Sue Shane for being excited. 

Shane’s hands found themselves buried in Ilya’s hair as Ilya pushed a leg in between Shane’s thighs, pushing Shane back further into the door. Shane found himself grinding down onto Ilya’s thigh as he sucked on Ilya’s tongue, pulling an absolutely delicious groan from him. It took every ounce of self control Shane had to push Ilya away. Ilya instantly stopped, because he always did when Shane showed any sign of wanting to stop.

“Bedroom. Now.” Shane demanded. Ilya’s lips pulled up into a wickedly sinful smirk before he looped his fingers into Shane’s belt loops and began to drag Shane to the bedroom, kissing him headily the entire way.

Ilya’s shirt came off somewhere along the way, as did Shane’s hoodie. Shane’s jeans were undone and Ilya was in the process of pushing them off by the time they made it into the bedroom. Ilya spun Shane around and pushed him down onto the bed. He grunted softly as he bounced. He watched as Ilya pushed his sweatpants and underwear off all at once and Shane hurried to do the same with his jeans and underwear.

Once they were fully undressed, Ilya was on top of him and their lips were crashing together again. It was all tongues and teeth and desperation. Shane let out a shuddering moan into Ilya’s mouth when he felt Ilya’s hard cock rubbing against his own achingly hard dick.

He whined softly when Ilya pulled away from the kiss. But Ilya didn’t go far. He merely moved to Shane’s neck and began to kiss and lick along the smooth skin there. He felt Ilya’s teeth lightly graze the skin but he was careful not to leave any marks. But Shane wanted marks. They could leave marks now. He sunk his fingers into Ilya’s curls and pressed Ilya further into his neck.

“Please…Ilya, please…” Shane breathed out. Ilya pulled away to look down at Shane, searching his face for any sign of hesitation. Shane nodded once.

“I want it. I want you to mark me.” Shane told him, his voice steady despite the desire flooding his veins. He watched in fascination as Ilya’s pupils blew wide, eclipsing the hazel almost entirely.

“Fuck, Shane…” He groaned before he leaned down and attacked Shane’s neck again. His lips found Shane’s pulse point and his teeth sunk in, drawing out a deep moan out of Shane. Shane dug his blunt nails into Ilya’s back as he felt Ilya suck the skin into his mouth. Without even thinking about it, his hips began to rock up, grinding into Ilya’s. He felt more than heard the moan Ilya let out.

“Ilya…” Shane practically whined out his name.

“Patience, дорогая…”(darling) Ilya hummed against his skin as he continued his path down Shane’s body. Shane arched into him and he couldn’t stop the moan that tore out of his throat when Ilya latched onto one of his nipples. His grip tightened on Ilya’s hair when he felt teeth scrape over the sensitive bud. Ilya chuckled against his skin before letting go and moving down further. Shane forced his eyes open and looked down to watch as Ilya took Shane in hand and stroked him slowly once then twice. Shane’s whole body shook in anticipation before Ilya finally took Shane in his mouth. Shane moaned deep in his chest as Ilya slowly swallowed him all the way down.

“Fuck, Ilya~” Shane whined, tugging on Ilya’s hair as he began to bob his head up and down. Shane began to lose himself in the pleasure. Before he knew it, he was right on the edge.

“S-Stop…” The word was barely out of his mouth and Ilya was pulling off and looking at him with concern lining his face.

“I…I don’t want to cum yet…” He panted. Ilya smirked before sitting up and leaning over to pull out the lube and a condom from the bedside table. Shane watched with heady impatience. They had talked about this in length after Ilya’s appointment that morning. As much as they both loved the feeling of going bare, they weren’t ready to risk another baby yet. Ilya dropped both items onto the bed next to Shane then tapped his hip.

“Turn over.” The command sent a shiver down Shane’s spine. He quickly turned over onto his stomach and shuffled up onto his knees, spreading them wide to give Ilya room to work. He looked back over his shoulder to watch as Ilya made more hickies and marks down his back and along his hips. 

“Ilya, I swear to God, if you don’t hurry up…” Shane groused. Ilya huffed against his back before pressing the flat of his tongue against Shane’s hole, cutting off whatever else Shane was about to say. He dissolved into moans, almost melting into the mattress as Ilya began to lick along his rim and press his tongue inside him.

“Shit…Fuck…” Shane knew he probably wasn’t making any sense right now but he didn’t really care. Distantly, he heard the snick of the lube bottle opening and then he felt one of Ilya’s long fingers pressing inside of him, forcing yet another sound out of him.

A year ago, Shane would have hated this part. Or at least said he did. But now…he loved it. The feeling of Ilya laying over his back, sucking bruises into his shoulder and opening him up on his fingers was sending Shane into that head space that he loved so much. Before he knew it, Ilya was pulling his fingers out and Shane whined, a fact he would deny to his dying breath.

“Turn back over. Want to watch you.” Ilya whispered in his ear, his voice rough and ragged with desire and his accent curling around the words. Shane shuddered and clumsily turned back over. The minute his eyes met Ilya’s, he was pulling him down into a sloppy kiss that was mainly just breathing and tongues. Shane heard the condom wrapper being torn open and he obediently spread his legs. 

“Such a good boy…” Ilya purred against Shane’s lips as he slotted himself in between Shane’s legs. The praise washed over Shane and he whimpered out a soft plea. He knew he was being pathetic but he didn’t care. He needed Ilya inside of him, like yesterday. He felt the head of Ilya’s cock brush against his hole and he shuddered. He kept himself relaxed as Ilya pushed in. They both released matching groans when he was fully in.

“So fucking tight…” Ilya gritted out. Shane couldn’t answer, only able to grip the sheets and wiggle his hips a little. He felt so full. And it was a feeling he had missed. If he thought kissing Ilya shut his mind up, having Ilya inside him did it even better. Ilya stayed still for a minute before he began to thrust, slow and shallow at first, giving Shane time to adjust.

It didn’t take long for Shane’s body to adjust to Ilya, it never did. Before long, Shane had his leg wrapped around Ilya’s hips, trying to urge Ilya to go faster. Luckily, Ilya got the message and started to go faster. Each thrust punched out little moans and groans from Shane’s throat. 

As embarrassing as it was, he was getting close very quickly. 

“I-Ilya…I’m, fuck…I’m gonna cum…” He managed to say in between moans, grabbing at Ilya’s shoulders to pull him closer. Ilya leaned over him and grinded his hips, pressing the head of his cock right into Shane’s prostate. Shane’s breath caught in his throat before releasing in a broken cry. He could hear Ilya cursing in both English and Russian, which usually meant that he was close too.

“Fucking shit, Shane…” Ilya practically whined into Shane’s ear. They’d been on a first name basis for two weeks now but no matter how many times he heard his name coming out of Ilya’s mouth…it sent a shiver down Shane’s spine. He loved it. 

“Ilya…please…” He whined, curling his fingers into Ilya’s hair once again. Ilya propped himself up slightly and began to thrust again, harder and faster this time.

“Be a good boy for me, Shane…Cum on my cock…” Ilya rasped, his accent thick and the command curled itself into Shane’s brain and took hold. It took only a minute more before Shane was cumming, hard and completely untouched in between them. His orgasm ripped through him so hard that he didn’t even make a sound besides a strangled little whine. His vision went white and he distantly felt Ilya’s hips still and heard the low groan that he knew meant that Ilya had cum too.

When Shane came back to himself, Ilya was cleaning him up with a warm, damp cloth. He cracked his eyes open and looked at him. Ilya smiled at him and tossed the cloth into the hamper before laying next to Shane and pulling him into his arms. Shane went easily, curling into Ilya’s chest and burying his face in the crook of Ilya’s neck. 

“I marked you up pretty bad. I am sorry.” Ilya said quietly after a moment. Shane merely hummed and shrugged. He didn’t really care, if he was being honest. But he turned his head slightly and sunk his teeth into Ilya’s shoulder and sucked a mark into his skin anyway, just because he could.

If they both came into practice the next day and had more than a few new bruises and scratch marks, well…who could really blame them?

Chapter End Notes

This is our second to last chapter, lovelies. One more after this and this story will be over.

Keep your eyes peeled for the next one. I'm off tomorrow so I'll probably get it out by then.

See you then! 🥰

Chapter 30: Epilogue

Chapter Notes

Well.....we made it to the end. This has been one hell of a ride. For me and for you guys.

This will be the last chapter. Its a bit bittersweet, to be honest.

Hope you all enjoy!

Epilogue

Four Years Later

Shane

Things had been going really well for Shane and Ilya the past few years. The first year after they got back together was rocky, to say the least, especially in relation to their friends. But they made it through. 

Ilya found a therapist in Boston that spoke Russian and he was diagnosed with depression, like his mother. That was hard on him and took a toll on their relationship. But with the help of Marly, Svetlana and LeClaire, Shane was able to convince Ilya to take the medications she was prescribing and keep up with the therapy. 

Two years after they got together, Ilya’s father’s dementia took his life. Ilya had to go back to Russia to handle the funeral. Shane insisted on going with him but eventually - after many conversations with both Ilya and Svetlana - he agreed to stay back in the States and lead the Bears towards the playoffs that year. But only if Ilya agreed to call him as often as he could. Which was often. Not that Shane minded. Ilya was only gone a couple days before he came back but he took a week off from playing to mourn.

The Bears won the Cup that year and it took everything in Shane and Ilya not to kiss each other at center ice as they both held the Cup up together. But they didn’t hold back from kissing the absolute shit out of each other once they were in the locker room. The other players decided that was the perfect time to spray them with champagne.

But neither of them could really bring themselves to mind. Because as soon as the champagne was done being sprayed, Ilya was down on one knee and asking Shane to marry him. If Shane thought the sounds of a locker room full of men celebrating a Stanley Cup win was loud, it was nothing compared to the screams of his teammates when they saw their Captain on one knee, ring in hand, asking the Shane Hollander to marry him.

And they got even louder - if that was possible - when Shane said, “Of course I’ll fucking marry you, asshole.”

Shane knew, logically, that they had time. They didn’t need to get married now. But he wanted to. And when he brought it up to Ilya, he agreed. So they decided to do it sooner rather than later. 

That’s how they ended up getting married that summer. The summer of 2017. Everyone important was there. The entirety of the Bears, Hayden and Jackie and their now four kids. J.J. came too, obviously. As did Zayne, Tara and Seth. They had also invited Scott Hunter and his newly public boyfriend, Kip Grady. Of course Svetlana was there. Her plus one was someone no one expected. The famous actress Rose Landry. Apparently, they had met at a club in LA and hit it off and became fast friends. Although, if you asked Ilya, he claimed there was more than friendship between them. Even Dr. Kaiser, Shane’s first therapist from Montreal, was there.

During the planning of the wedding, Shane and Ilya had spoken to Shane’s parents, Coach LeClaire and both of their agents about coming out publicly. Shane as gay and Ilya as bisexual as well as them being a couple. They discussed every possibility and consequence. They didn’t want to keep hiding anymore. So they came to a decision.

A week after the wedding, as Shane and Ilya sat on a beach in Greece on their honeymoon, they both uploaded some pictures to their individual Instagram accounts, announcing their relationship and subsequent marriage. They then turned their phones off so they could enjoy the rest of their short honeymoon.

The internet proceeded to lose its mind.

~~~~~~

It had taken them quite awhile to broach the subject of kids again. Even though they had long since forgiven each other for what had happened all those years ago, the fear was still there. Especially for Shane. 

They finally started talking about it a year after they got married. It led to a fight. Both of them said things they didn’t mean. They made up after a couple hours after Shane had calmed down enough to explain what exactly he was feeling. He was terrified of having another miscarriage and/or stillbirth. The pain and the fear he felt that day still haunted him. And while he knew that he had Ilya now as support, that kind of emotional pain just doesn’t go away. He was also terrified of the state of mind it pushed him into. He knew that - before - his mental state at that time was a culmination of everything else that was going on in his life. But he knew that it was still a possibility and that scared him.

Once he was able to express that to Ilya, Ilya opened up to him and expressed that he was scared too. He was scared of losing the baby too and possibly losing Shane. But he was also scared of turning into his father. Ilya knew he had the same temper as his father and he was terrified of becoming the same kind of man as that. 

These fears were the topics of their respective next therapy sessions.

After they expressed their fears, they decided that they were ready to start that journey. Together. And Shane - being his mothers son(and also autistic) - began to research. He found an amazing gynecology clinic in Boston that had amazing reviews and had the same provisions as the clinic in Montreal for high profile patients. The clinic also had a doctor that specialized in male pregnancies, which helped ease both of their minds. They still decided to wait a little bit longer before trying to get pregnant. 

They didn’t win the Cup in 2018 but they got pretty far into the playoffs. It was the beginning of that summer when they decided to start trying. Shane started to feel…off the beginning of July. He snuck a pregnancy test into the grocery order one week and took it when Ilya went over to Marly’s house for…something. Shane couldn’t remember what he went over for. 

It was positive. Shane didn’t tell Ilya. Not at first. He called the clinic he found and made an appointment for the next day then called Zayne to go with him. The doctor was great and the staff was amazing. They did a blood test, just like at the first clinic. It confirmed it. He was indeed pregnant. A month along…just like last time. They did an ultrasound and gave him the pictures. They left and he and Zayne went to the store to get some things to put together a box so he could tell Ilya. 

It wasn’t anything extravagant. He didn’t have a lot of time. Ilya was out with Marly, Vic and Hammer and would be home in a couple hours and if Shane wasn’t there when he got home, he’d get worried and suspicious.

He bought a small wooden box with a simple metal latch. On the inside, he put some white tissue paper. In the top left corner of the box, he placed some white baby booties. Underneath them, he folded a white onesie he’d bought that said “Papa’s little monster”. The positive pregnancy test was placed next to the onesie with the ultrasound photos on the right hand side. He had just finished setting up the box when he heard the garage door open and Ilya’s car pull in. 

He closed the box and latched it then turned right as Ilya came inside, complaining already about something that Hammer had said while they were hanging out. He stopped when he saw Shane standing at the kitchen counter, looking very awkward and tense.

“Shane…? Are you okay? Did something happen?” Ilya asked, concern lining his face. Shane merely smiled and held his hands out for Ilya. Ilya came over quickly and slotted his hands into Shane’s. Shane relaxed when he felt the cool metal of Ilya’s wedding band against his finger. 

“I’m okay, baby. I have a surprise for you.” Shane told him, surprised at how steady his voice was. Ilya’s face lit up. 

“Surprise? For me?” Shane smiled and nodded before stepping out of the way, the box coming into view for Ilya. He watched as Ilya’s eyes found the box. He looked between Shane and the box a few times. Shane chuckled and nodded his head towards the box. Ilya’s hands slipped from Shane’s before he stepped closer and slowly unlatched the box and opened the lid. Shane watched in suspense as Ilya took in the items in the box. He slowly reached out and picked up the ultrasound photos. He looked them over then looked at the positive pregnancy test then looked at Shane.

“Shane…?” Ilya’s voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. Shane stepped closer and nodded. 

“I had an appointment today. They confirmed it. I’m pregnant. A month along.” Shane told him. He watched as Ilya’s eyes filled with tears before he gathered Shane in his arms.

“We are going to have a baby.” Ilya whispered, his voice cracking. Shane let out a wet laugh.

“Yeah…We’re going to have a family.”

~~~~~~

Ilya

Nine Months Later

A few years ago, Ilya would have never thought he would be a father. Granted, a few years ago, he was still in his “playboy” era and never slept with the same person twice. And even when he did sleep with people, he was always careful. Always used protection, even when the girl said she was on the pill or insisted it felt better bare. The only person he ever went bare with was Shane. 

He never thought he wanted kids. He was always afraid that he would turn into his father. He knew he was already like him in some ways but he was terrified he would turn into him when he had children. 

Now, though…he was excited. Watching Shane through this pregnancy…it was like he had gotten even more beautiful, if that was even possible. It was like he was glowing. Sometimes Ilya would catch him rubbing his baby bump and talking to it quietly. And the bump…god, if Ilya thought Shane’s body was sexy before, it was even more so now. Because now…now it was growing their child. Their son. 

They had many appointments through the pregnancy. Most of them were to make sure everything was progressing the way it needed to but there were some appointments that were making sure there was nothing wrong. Especially when they got near the six month mark. Everything was going great, as long as Shane stayed healthy. 

Now, they were almost to the end. Shane was uncomfortable, which was to be expected. He was nine months pregnant and apparently Ilya’s genes meant big ass babies because their son was measuring pretty big at their last appointment. That meant that Shane wasn’t sleeping much. Which meant Ilya wasn’t sleeping much because he couldn’t sleep if Shane wasn’t there. 

It was 3 AM on a Wednesday and they’d moved from the bed to the couch because Shane couldn’t find a comfortable position. The most comfortable position for him was propped up with his back against Ilya’s chest and his head against Ilya’s shoulder. The lights were on but dim and the TV was on, playing the most recent Admirals v. Montreal game at a low volume. Ilya was gently and sleepily rubbing Shane’s belly, trying to get him to sleep when they were both jolted awake by the feeling of warm liquid soaking through their pants and the couch under them. Ilya could practically feel the panic enter Shane’s body. 

“Ilya…?” Shane’s voice was tiny and quiet and it shook. Ilya’s arms tightened around him and he kissed the side of Shane’s head.

“Ssh…Is okay, Shane. Let me look, okay?” Ilya said, trying to keep his voice level. He needed to be the level headed one here. He knew how terrified Shane had been this entire pregnancy. Shane simply nodded and screwed his eyes shut. Ilya slowly and gently moved the blanket off their legs and sat up just a bit so he could see. His heart was in his throat and he was begging and praying to whoever would listen that he wouldn’t see blood. And…it wasn’t blood…

“It’s not blood, Shane.” Ilya said, letting out a slow, shaky breath. 

“I-It’s not…?” Came Shane’s shaky reply. Ilya shook his head.

“No.”

“Then…what is it?” Ilya was severely sleep deprived and very tired. He wracked his slowly functioning brain and could only come up with one explanation.

“Shane…you are nine months pregnant. Your due date was a week ago. I think…I think your water just broke…” Ilya said, his voice quiet and slow. He felt Shane still against him. Despite the TV still being on in the background, the room seemed very silent. 

“Fuck…” Was all Shane said before the first contraction hit. He inhaled sharply and curled inward as much as he could. Ilya was moving before he could even think about it. They’d had their hospital bags packed for days. As soon as he was up, he was upstairs and he changed clothes quickly. He grabbed some clean sweats for Shane and some shoes and then grabbed the hospital bag and came back downstairs.

Ilya isn’t sure if he blacked out or what happened, but the next thing he knows, they’re in the car and he’s speeding down the street towards the hospital. He had one hand on the steering wheel and the other was clutching onto Shane’s. They had talked in length about the day the baby came and while Ilya had told himself that he was ready and he would be calm about it, he was very much not being calm about it. He was - in no uncertain terms - panicking.

They lived about 20 minutes away from the hospital. Ilya made it there in 5. Shane - thankfully - chose to keep his mouth shut about that. Though, he didn’t have much of a choice because he was busy breathing through the contractions. Ilya peeled into the parking lot and parked then jumped out and came around to help Shane out. They made it inside and Ilya told the receptionist why they were there. It didn’t take long before someone had brought a wheelchair up and had taken Shane away. Ilya was stuck doing paperwork. Once the paperwork was done, Ilya called Yuna and David as he made his way to the room they had assigned Shane. Ever since Shane’s due date had gotten close, they had gotten an Airbnb in Boston to be close for when he went into labor. Yuna answered after a couple rings.

“Ilya? Is everything okay?” Her voice was groggy with sleep.

“Shane’s water broke. We are at hospital.” Ilya got right to the point. He heard her sit up and wake up David.

“We’ll be there soon.” She told him. He let her know what room they were in before he hung up and went into the room. Shane was already in a hospital gown and had been hooked up to whatever machines he needed to be hooked up to. As soon as Shane saw him, his hand was outstretched and he let out a soft whimper noise. Ilya was across the room and had Shane’s hand in his in an instant.

“I’m here, моя любовь.”(my love) Ilya murmured, kissing Shane’s knuckles. Shane instantly relaxed.

The next couple of hours passed in a haze for Ilya. Shane’s labor progressed quickly, which seemed to surprise the doctors and nurses. By hour 3, it was time to push. Ilya had never seen Shane in so much pain before. And he hated it. 

The next few minutes were hell for Ilya because there was nothing he could do to take the pain away and make it better. All he could do was stand by the bed, hold the hand of the man he loved and whisper reassurances in his ear as Shane screamed and sobbed. 

Finally, after what seemed like forever, their son was here. Ilya couldn’t stop the tears when he heard the cries of their baby ring through the room. He watched as the doctors took their son to make sure he was healthy before he turned to Shane. 

“You did it, моя любовь.(my love) Our son is here…I am so proud of you.” Ilya’s voice cracked as he brushed Shane’s away from his forehead. Shane was crying too, his face was red from exertion and he was breathing heavily and shaking. He smiled shakily and tiredly at Ilya. Both of them looked at the nurse when she brought their baby over to them.

“Here he is. Your healthy baby boy.” She told them as she placed him gently on Shane’s chest. A broken sob made its way out of Shane’s throat as he placed his hands on their son’s back.

“Oh, Shane…he’s beautiful…” Ilya whispered, gently caressing their son’s cheek with his pointer finger. He had a head of thick black hair just like Shane’s that was already curling, like Ilya’s. And if Ilya looked close enough, he was pretty sure he could see little freckles adorning those chubby little cheeks.

“He is. Our baby…Our Yuri…” Shane murmured, placing a soft kiss to his head. They had picked that name because it could be both Russian and Japanese. Ilya leaned in and kissed Shane’s temple softly.

Ilya had never been happier than he was right then. He was married to the love of his life and they had a son. The first of many children, Ilya hoped. 

It took them a lot of heartbreak to get where they were. But they made it. And Ilya was determined to do whatever it took to stay there.

Chapter End Notes

When I started this fic, I did NOT plan for it to be as long as it turned out to be. Granted, there wasn't a whole lot of "planning" going on when I started this. I just had an idea and I ran with it. I think I thought this would end up being like 20-25 chapters, at the MOST. And here we are at 30.

When I started this, it had been a REALLY long time since I had written anything so I was being very critical of myself. And I got SO MUCH support from all of you.

Thank you all so much for the support you gave me from the beginning. I will be writing more fics. If anyone has any ideas for AU's, I am more than willing to try my best at them.

I have a couple ideas for some so if I get enough votes for them, you might see those coming out soon.

We have: fantasy AU and childhood friends AU.

Leave your votes in the comments if you want to see one of those or if you have ideas for anything different. I hope to see you all in the next fic.