Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Hayden Pike, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Hayden Pike, Ilya Rozanov, Scott Hunter (Game Changers)

Additional Tags:

no burn, hayden pike is bad at hockey, Ilya Rozanov did not write this, Shane Hollander's Freckles, Shane Hollander's glasses, Shane Hollander's angry kitten face, Shane Hollander is boring, no beta we die like Hayden Pike's hockey career

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-01-01 Completed: 2026-04-23 Words: 4,105 Chapters: 3/3

Nice try, get out the way

Summary

Hayden Pike is sad. He wants to go to bed with Shane Hollander, the most beautiful man in the MHL, but he can’t seem to score because he is very bad at hockey.

Hayden Pike probably wrote this. Not Ilya Rozanov. Ilya Rozanov would never do such a thing. Don’t tell his husband.

Notes

I apologize in advance for what I’m about to inflict on the eyeballs of anyone who reads past this point. I read the “shane hollander boy kisser confirmed!” fic and couldn’t get over the idea of Ilya writing rpf fanfic about his own husband. Again, so sorry.

(Title is of course from mangetout)

• Translation into Русский available: Хорошая попытка, а теперь вали отсюда by sige_vic

Chapter 1

Shane Hollander pulled his hair up into a messy man bun as he stared at himself in the mirror. His freckles and brown eyes made him stunning, but he did not know this. He frowned at his reflection. He was wearing those shorts he has with the little stripes on them that make his ass look cute and that green t-shirt that rides up a little bit when he lifts his arms. “I want to be the best hockey player, but I cannot compare to Ilya Rozanov,” he murmured.

“You’re already the best hockey player, Holzy!” Hayden Pike said in a loyal yet foolish way. Hayden Pike was Montreal’s fifteenth best hockey player and Shane Hollander’s best friend. He was the only player boring enough to room with Shane on the road. He was also secretly in love with Shane and not very smart.

“You are incorrect, Hayden, because you are not very smart, but we must still win our hockey game tonight.”

Luckily their hockey game was not against Boston, so Hollander easily led his team to victory even though he had to carry them all on his back because they are terrible and Hayden Pike is not good at hockey.

At the interview afterwards, a reporter said, “Hollander, you are most handsome man in MHL, why are you not married to sexiest man alive and best hockey player Ilya Rozanov?”

Shane Hollander’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I have never met Rozanov off the ice in this AU,” he said. “Therefore I have never been railed by that incredible dick. That’s why Hayden Pike still thinks he has a chance.”

“Very sad to hear,” the reporter said. “No more questions for you in this trying time.”

Shane Hollander and Hayden Pike walked through the parking lot in the rain together. “I know I am very boring,” Shane said, “but we must go out to a bar tonight. I need to find someone who can fold me in half and plow me like a field, even though I know I will never be satisfied by any man other than Ilya Rozanov.”

“Hey, buddy,” Hayden said, stupidly assuming this was his chance, “why don’t we stay in? I could help you meditate and suck your dick.” Hayden tried to touch Shane’s shoulder, but he was so uncoordinated that he missed.

“Hayden, you cannot.” Shane’s eyes glimmered in the street lights and he pouted with his bite-able bottom lip. “You are too bad at hockey. We can never be together.”

“I can get better at hockey,” Hayden murmured. “I swear I can.”

“How good could you get?”

“As good as you need me to be.” Hayden leaned in, but before he could get close enough to kiss Shane’s beautiful mouth he slipped on the wet pavement. Hayden lost his balance immediately because of his poor hockey skills, fell down, hit his head, and went unconscious.

When Hayden regained consciousness, they went out to the bar. Hayden was distraught that he had not managed to seduce Shane, but was still determined to be a good friend.

A hockey game was playing on the television in the bar, and Shane immediately sat down to watch it. The hockey game was Boston versus New York. New York had to hire extra security because of all the beautiful women attempting to throw themselves at Ilya Rozanov as he played. Ilya immediately scored such a historic number of sexy goals that Shane was enraptured by the game on the screen. Scott Hunter was so upset about how badly he’d just been beaten that he started to cry.

A reporter asked Ilya, “Rozanov, how does it feel to be the only player ever to win a hockey game in five minutes?”

“It was a team effort,” Ilya said modestly.

A man approached Shane at the bar. He didn’t even play hockey and was merely a nine out of ten, but Shane was very polite and talked to him anyway. The man noticed how fuckable Shane’s mouth was and tried to kiss him, but he leaned too far on the bar stool, fell down, hit his head on the counter and went unconscious.

Shane gave up on trying to find anyone as sexy and good at hockey as Ilya Rozanov for the night and went back to his hotel room with Hayden. When they reached the room, Shane threw himself down on the bed and dramatically draped his arm over his eyes, but in a way that didn’t cover up his stunning freckles.

“I am so beautiful,” Shane murmured. “How can it be that I have no one to fuck me?”

“Hey, buddy,” Hayden said. “Cheer up. I’m sure there’s someone who’s really good at hockey out there for you.” Hayden wished that someone could be him, but he wondered if that could ever be. “Why don’t we do extra practice together when we get back to Montreal tomorrow? I could try to get better for you, and you could try to get as good as Rozanov.”

Shane happily agreed because this was another chance to be obsessed about hockey.

The next morning, Shane got up at six fucking a.m. when his alarm went off because he was boring and did not know how to party and sleep in late. “I am going for a run in my tiny shorts, as I do every morning,” he told Hayden. “For some reason I will not give my husband a blow job instead of doing this.” When Shane got done with his run, he showered slowly while thinking about Ilya Rozanov and then put on Ilya’s old Boston t-shirt that he looked super hot in. He had it because he was secretly an obsessed Rozanov fan.

Shane and Hayden then began to pack their things to leave the hotel room. “I am always forgetting things because I am not very bright,” Hayden complained.

“Don’t worry, Hayden, I will make you spreadsheet,” Shane said. “Is not euphemism for sex act as I initially thought. Spreadsheets are lists of tasks and items. I color code them. You will never forget a single sock again. I am wonderful like that.”

Hayden was stunned, and then very sad because it was so sexy but he was not good enough at hockey to rail Shane Hollander.

Shane put on his glasses to read his spreadsheets like a hot librarian who’s a little bit bossy until I bet him he can’t stay quiet while (okay, am back, what scene was this?)

They returned to Montreal. They played a game against New York and won because Shane has more talent than both teams combined. Afterwards Scott Hunter mistakenly thought he might have a chance with Shane because he is better at hockey than Hayden Pike and also boring. So he skated up to Shane before he went to the locker room and asked for his phone number.

“You are a hundred thousand years old,” Shane said. “Would break your hip if you tried to fuck me.”

Scott Hunter ran away in embarrassment.

Hayden wanted an invitation to Shane’s place, and he knew the only way to secure it was to ask for something boring. So he called Shane and asked, “Can I come over and do laundry at your place?”

“Wait, what is the timeline of this fic? Had I decided?” Shane said. “I am in Montreal still? So I have my Montreal apartment? Okay, my Montreal apartment had a washer/dryer combo. I used to complain all the time about how long my sheets took to dry in it. Do not bring over sheets and should be fine.”

Hayden brought over his laundry basket and a bottle of wine. The bottle of wine got him nowhere because Shane doesn’t drink during the season. Hayden probably should have remembered that, but he was bad at seduction as well as hockey. Hayden then foolishly attempted to dump all his clothes into the washer.

“No, you must read all the tags first!” Shane said. He scrunched up his nose and made his angry kitten face, with his lips all snarly and adorable. “I am very intense about this! I cut all the tags out and keep them in an organized spreadsheet of washing instructions! One time my husband did not read the washing instructions and ruined my sweater and I got very angry at him over it even though it was ONE sweater and I am a millionaire who can buy myself a new one! So then he bought me a new sweater and now he always reads all the washing instructions.”

Hayden had never known this about washing instructions because he wasn’t observant enough to be good at hockey. Also, I think Jackie does all his laundry, which is very rude of Hayden to not help with that.

He somehow managed to get his laundry started and then moved to the living room. Hayden sat down on the couch. Shane sat down in an armchair in a polite Canadian way.

“Please will you be my lover?” Hayden begged. “I want to kiss every freckle on your face and fuck you slowly while you moan my name.”

“No, I have told you this,” said Shane. “You are not talented enough.”

“I am talented at video game hockey. Is that good enough?”

Shane thought about it. “No. But you can help me with my plot to get Ilya Rozanov’s autograph. I want him to sign my Rozanov jersey I wear to secretly watch his hockey games because he is the best at everything.”

“You are the fastest skater in the MHL,” Hayden said loyally.

“Was basically a tie!” Shane cried out.

“You have more Stanley Cups than him.”

“Yes, because I am incredible.”

“I am so jealous of Ilya Rozanov,” Hayden said.

“Everyone is,” Shane sighed. It was not bragging because it was not Ilya saying it. “He has an adorable dog, four Stanley Cups, and he is married to Shane Hollander. Is like living in a fairy tale. I wake up every morning and go, oh. There you are. Because Shane Hollander is my sunrise. And I get to fuck him. Wait, whose dialogue is this? Oh well.”

Shane dressed up in his disguise, which was a Rozanov jersey, his glasses, and his Montreal Stanley Cup hat. He looked so hot that many people who saw him simply fainted. They made their way to the coffee shop Rozanov had tagged himself at on Instagram.

At the coffee shop, the baristas were having to help hold back all the beautiful women who were being drawn in by Rozanov’s rizz. It was difficult, though, because a few of the handsome baristas were also attempting to get his number.

“Oh no,” Shane said. “How will I ever get close enough for him to sign my jersey?”

Rozanov looked up from where he was casually drinking an iced latte and looking sexy. “I recognize you,” he said. He pulled off Shane’s hat and everyone gasped. “Shane Hollander!”

“How did you know it was me when I was so well disguised?” Shane asked.

“Freckles,” Rozanov said.

“Please sign my jersey,” Shane said. “I am your biggest fan.”

Ilya lifted his husband onto the counter and grabbed a sharpie. He shoved the jersey up and signed his name across Shane Hollander’s abs.

“Take me,” Shane gasped. “Take me right now.”

Ilya kissed his husband and everyone cheered. Hayden Pike ran away crying.

Chapter 2: The gang finds out

Chapter Summary

The group chat response to the fanfic that Ilya definitely did not write.

Chapter Notes

Summer Camp Coaches!

Rose

I can make the 17th work. Hope my hockey movie doesn't bomb and get me booed when I show up for my special appearance!

Ilya

Will make a billion dollars. The people are dying for hockey movies!

Rose

😁

Hayden

Roz, you asshole: archiveofourow......

Ilya

Oh no

Who could have written this?

Complete mystery

Probably the writer is very sexy

Shane

Hayd, what is that a link to? I thought we agreed to keep this thread to official business.

Hayden

Read it

Rose

Oh my god. This is beautiful

Shane

I'm getting a divorce

Ilya

We should lob accusations at Hayden now. Is Hayden reading Shayden fanfic? How did he find this work written by an unknowable hockey fan with good taste?

Rose

No, that's actually a good point

Hayden

Harris sent it to me!

Harris

Okay, yes, I'm the one who found it

I just love a friends to lovers arc

Rose

Aww, it's my favorite, too!

Shane

You're all grounded from the internet

Rose

No, dad, five more minutes!

Harris

Fun dad, tell him to let us keep our fanfic!

Shane

What? Why does Ilya get to be the fun dad? I'm fun. I brought Scrabble to the last team party

Ilya

I'm sorry, Shane, I'm the one that gives them cookies past their bed time

Shane

Okay, first of all, irresponsible. Second of all, I'm not doing this. Stop being weird. Delete your story, Ilya

Ilya

Can't

Am grounded from the internet

Scott Hunter

Why am I tagged in this?

For the last time, Rozanov, I have never hit on your husband

I am literally married

Ilya

Hmm

Scott Hunter

What's that supposed to mean?

Ilya

Just interesting

You are happily married, yet ogling my husband after a run. Okay

Scott Hunter

There was no ogling!

Troy

Speaking as a witness: there was a look that passed the point of a glance and ventured into ogle territory

Scott Hunter

It went nowhere near ogle territory!

And I would like to point out that during this supposed look occurring, Troy said "Shane, can you show us some yoga poses?" Why aren't you mad at him?

Ilya

I have already forgiven Troy for noticing my husband is hot. He is very happy with Harris

Scott Hunter

Are you fucking kidding me?

Shane

Wait

You didn't actually want to learn yoga?

☹️

Ilya

Troy, you have hurt my husband's feelings. You are now my enemy

Troy

Fuck

Harris

Honestly, I think the only criminal here is whoever sold Shane those shorts despite knowing he has an ass that could go viral on twitter

Shane

They're aerodynamic!

And what the fuck, Harris, don't post my ass on twitter

Harris

I didn't! I'm just saying that it would

Troy

Scott Hunter: would

Scott Hunter

Would not

Ilya

Can't

Shane

I think we should all stop talking about Shane now

Troy

If I actually learn yoga, can I get off the enemy list?

Hayden

There's no escape. You're trapped here with us, bud

Troy

Harris, save me!

Harris

And sacrifice myself? Do I look like Bella Swan to you?

Wyatt

Hey, um, is there an actual plan to take a yoga class somewhere in this mess? Because I would actually like to do that

Shane

Cool, I'll text you

Ilya

Wyatt, you made my husband smile, you are now my favorite

Wyatt

Does that mean we can do Hockey Avengers costumes next Halloween?

Harris

We can't post copyrighted material to the team social media page. Off brand hockey avengers, maybe

Shane

efjahi;fi;;;

srry drop,ed plant

puck

phone

autocorrect

Hayden

Shane, buddy, is your phone broken or are you having a stroke?

Shane

defiantly pho.Nes fault

Hayden

Maybe you should go get a new one?

Shane

Im replacing My phoene anD hus Band tmmrw

Rose

Okay, so I'm just going to say it:

Why do I not get to be a villain in this fanfic?

I'm the only one in this chat besides Ilya who has actually hit on Shane

Sequel story about Rose Landry kidnapping Shane when?

Hayden

Don't encourage him

Rose

Is he still here? Ilya?

Hayden Pike is good at hockey

Hayden

Hey

Or thanks or

I'm confused

Wyatt

Do we need to file a missing persons report?

Ilya

I can not be upgraded, I am already the latest and greatest model

And you could never be a villain in my heart, Rose ❤️

Rose

Aww

But I really want to be a villain, though

Ilya

Okay, I will write you a sequel

Shane

I know where you live

Hayden

It took you twenty minutes to think up a comeback about being the latest model?

Ilya

No. Could not text. Was busy. Hands full

Harris

Are you out somewhere? I assumed you were at home

Ilya

Yes, I am at home

Shane

Laundry

He was doing laundry

Ilya

It's okay, Shane, I will have the talk with Hunter.

You see, Hunter, when a man has a bang-able husband with an ass that could go viral on twitter

Shane

brb, throwing Ilya's phone into a lake

Hayden

I need to wash my brain with bleach

Scott Hunter

I'm confused, I thought they were fighting?

Rose

Oh, honey. Are you new here?

Wyatt

As Ilya's chosen favorite, I feel obligated to deliver his usual chirps on his behalf to make up for his unfortunate absence. Ahem. "Scott Hunter hasn't been new here since dinosaurs roamed the earth."

Scott Hunter

Jesus fucking christ

Wyatt

*things that Scott Hunter is older than

Harris

How about I fill the chat with cute puppy pictures and we all forget this ever happened?

Ryan

Thank you, Harris

Wyatt

And now, to fill in for Shane: "Sorry, Ryan."

Ryan

☹️

Harris

Cute puppy picture one:

Chapter End Notes

4/23/26 update: I needed to change out the workskin in order for the chapter three formatting to work. The good news is, the new texting workskin is more readable when creator styles are turned off. The new texting part of the workskin is iMessage Skin by Azdaema Codes (Azdaema)

Chapter 3: Rose Landry, Villainess

Chapter Summary

Ilya Rozanov does a beta read.

Chapter Notes

Chapter End Notes

Extra special thanks to irrationalpie for this incredible workskin!!! I literally could not have written this without them. No, really. The idea would have stayed stuck in my notebook forever without their formatting. I am in awe of their ability to take the rambling email I sent them about google doc comments and turn it into something this amazing.

Works inspired by this one

[Podfic] Nice try, get out the way by trickysnail by sweaters_in_the_summer