Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov

Additional Tags:

5+1 Things, Questioning, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Autistic Shane Hollander, Canon Compliant, Show Compliant, Shane Hollander takes Am I Gay Quizzes, That's it that's the plot, Identity Crisis, Feelings Realization, Denial of Feelings, Ilya is only mentioned FYI, POV Shane Hollander, not first person tho, so many italics, Light Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sexuality Crisis

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-02-19 Completed: 2026-03-08 Words: 12,710 Chapters: 6/6

Showing Results For

Summary

The lamp next to him provides a light glow as Shane opens his laptop, shaking out his nerves. Navigating to Google is harder, and he almost backs out completely. But he knows that closing his computer now would be far worse in the long run, confirming something about him.

Something that probably isn’t even true.

____________

Or, 5 times Shane takes an "Am I Gay?" quiz, and 1 time he retakes one.

Notes

Hello! I've been working on this for a while, and I'm excited to start publishing it! I relate a lot to Shane and his journey, and I took many an "Am I Gay?" quiz growing up, so this fic has a special place in my heart.

This is canon compliant for the show, but there are only a few details off for the book. Also, because these are quizzes that exist as I wrote this fic, there will probably be some anachronisms. I did my best to edit things / filter appropriately, but maybe suspend your disbelief a bit.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: WikiHow

Saskatchewan 2008

Shane hadn’t planned on needing his own room tonight, but he felt incredibly lucky to have it anyway.

The team paid for each boy and one parent to have a pair of rooms, joined by a door. Typically, he was happy to share a room with his mom, who was kind and supportive enough to travel with him to most games – especially major ones like this one.

For the first time in his life, he’s grateful for the privacy.

The lamp next to him provides a light glow as Shane opens his laptop, shaking out his nerves. Navigating to Google is harder, and he almost backs out completely. But he knows that closing his computer now would be far worse in the long run, confirming something about him.

Something that probably isn’t even true.

Quickly, he types his search into the bar: “Am I gay? Quiz”.

His face heats up as he clicks the first link. Shane’s always liked WikiHow, and he feels confident that they wouldn’t steer him wrong in his time of need.

Well, ‘need’ is definitely too strong of a word. He just had… a feeling. A strange feeling while talking to Rozanov earlier that he’s not used to. It doesn’t make him gay, as he’s sure he’s about to prove. He just wants to know what the feeling is.

Probably nerves for tomorrow. It’ll be a tough game, and Shane’s never faced a competitor as good as himself. So it’s probably nerves.

He allows the thought to spur him on as he clicks the link to start the quiz.

Have you ever had feelings for a same-gender close friend?
I think so. That’s why I’m taking this quiz.
Wait, what’s the difference between a close friend and a crush?
Don’t think so, but we’re so close people joke that we’re dating.
Nope. We’re just friends.

He wasn’t expecting to be caught up on the first question, but when he reads through the answers, he finds himself unsure. He thinks he had a crush on his ex-girlfriend, Stacy. And he must have had crushes on her friends because everyone on his hockey team did.

At least he and Rozanov aren’t close friends. He’s not sure what the “feelings” he had are, but he at least knows that the answer here isn’t an easy yes. He marks his pick, hoping that the rest of this quiz isn’t as hard.

Have you ever kissed someone or wanted to kiss someone of the same gender?
Definitely, and it was great.
I haven’t done it, but I want to try it.
Yeah, and I’m not sure how I felt about it.
Nope. Not interested.

Shane lets out a deep breath, relieved at a much easier question. He’s never kissed anyone of the same gender, and he hasn’t even thought about it. Even if he would’ve thought that with Rozanov earlier, the guy was smoking! He’d never want to kiss someone who was actively smoking, that sounds disgusting.

How do you feel about queer characters in TV shows and movies?
Oh, I’ve totally watched shows just for the queer ships and storylines.
I kind of feel like I can identify with queer characters.
I notice queer characters, but I don’t feel strongly about them.
I like the positive representation, but they don’t stand out to me.

Shane easily selects his answer, finally finding a rhythm in the answers. He’s seen people like Ellen Degeneres on TV (though she’s real, so he’s not sure that she counts), and he thinks it’s great for LGBT people. He knows how important representation is; he and his mom have talked about it a lot.

They don’t stand out to him, but he doesn’t watch much TV anyways.

When someone asks you who you’re crushing on:
A name comes to mind immediately, and it’s someone of the same gender.
I make up a name or pick someone random.
I literally don’t get the big deal about crushes.
I talk about someone of the opposite sex who I’m genuinely crushing on.

Shane was glad that Stacy liked him because he hasn’t really thought about things like that very much. He thinks a lot about hockey, but whenever the team pivots to teasing each other about girls, it’s easier to turn back to his locker. Everything needs to be lined up, in its exact place. Talking about girls and crushes is just distracting.

big>Has anyone ever asked you if you were gay?
People pretty much assume that about me all the time.
I’ve been asked that once or twice.
No one has asked directly if I’m gay, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did ask.
Never. People assume I’m straight.

No one has ever said that, to him at least. And he’d be pretty surprised if they did. He’s not sure what would prompt that, but he feels pretty confident that no one is thinking it.

When you imagine being in a relationship, what do you picture?
I can only see myself with someone of the same sex.
I’m not sure. Any gender seems okay.
I’ll probably be with someone of the opposite sex.
I can only see myself with someone of the opposite sex.

Shane’s only had one girlfriend, and he’s never been the best at visualizing things outside the rink, but he can’t imagine that he’d ever end up with a guy. It just doesn’t fit with everything he’s done or how he’s talked about.

How would you feel about identifying as gay?
Yeah, that feels right.
It honestly makes me a little nervous, but also kinda fits.
I’m not sure how I feel.
No, I really don’t think that’s me.

Shane breezes through this one, too. He’s never considered the label for himself, and considering it now gives him a stomach ache. With that information, it’s easy to click his answer and move on.

Have you ever felt attracted to someone of the same gender?
Yes.
Yeah, but everyone has, right?
People of the same gender are just objectively more attractive.
Nope.

Shane has spent the majority of his life playing hockey, spending time quickly showering in locker rooms and playing a physical game with physical guys. It would be crazy to not notice that some of them are... attractive. But, as the quiz rhetorically poses, that’s completely normal.

How do you feel about dating someone of the opposite gender?
I’m not interested. That would feel like a chore.
I wouldn’t mind, and I’ve either wanted to do it or have done it.
Maybe, but I’m not really interested in anyone.
I’d definitely date (or have dated) someone of the opposite gender.

This one is easy. He and Stacy broke up a few months ago, which means he has dated someone of the opposite gender. Shane smiles privately to himself as he clicks the answer; he is nailing this.

Do you ever fantasize about being with someone of the same gender?
Yeah. Pretty often.
Sometimes.
Yes, but I’m not sure I’d actually end up with someone of the same gender.
No.

This question pulls him up short. Shane wasn’t totally sure what counted as a “fantasy” here. Did it need to be intentional? He’d let himself have a brief daydream about meeting Rozanov before they actually met, and he couldn’t help but think about the disgusting puffs of smoke he breathed as he reached out for a second handshake.

Privately, in the back of his mind, he recalls the dream he had three nights ago about being on the ice with Rozanov – just the two of them. Nothing had really happened, just face-offs and puck-stealing, but he still woke up sweaty.

So, yeah. Maybe sometimes.

When you imagine kissing or being intimate with a future partner, how do you feel?
As long as I’m with someone I really like, that sounds great.
Good, I guess?
I can’t imagine that, and I don’t think I’ll ever want that, regardless of gender.
I’m too young for that.

This one stumps him. Shane can imagine a million different plays on the ice, sees every goalie’s weakness just from clips – he should know if he likes kissing.

He quickly decides that he does. He must! He’s had a girlfriend, and he’s always been respectful of her and her body. His mom and dad sat him down when they first started dating, giving a more tangible version of The Talk once he was in an actual relationship. And he was a good son, and a good boyfriend, and he tried to be a good person, so he wasn’t interested in jumping into something without knowing if she was comfortable.

Admittedly, it didn’t sound great… Hockey was great. But he definitely didn’t mind it.

If you scroll through your feed, do you see content from queer creators?
Yup. You got me.
Maybe! It depends on the day.
Yeah, but only because I’ve looked at one or two related posts.
Probably not.

Shane’s mom manages his social media; he’s pretty sure he hasn’t logged into his Twitter since she made it two years ago.

Flash forward 5 years: how likely is it that your partner is the same gender as you?
Very likely.
Pretty likely.
Possible, but not super likely.
Not very likely.

In 5 years, Shane will (hopefully) be inching towards his prime as a professional hockey player. He’s not even sure he’ll have a girlfriend, so the idea of having a boyfriend while in the NHL is practically unthinkable.

Plus, as he’s establishing through this quiz, he doesn’t even want one.

Would you be comfortable using an LGBTQ+ dating app?
Absolutely! I already have one downloaded.
I’m open to giving one a try.
Not really, but I won’t rule it out completely.
No. That makes me uncomfortable.

Considering that he’s only 17 – and the thought of dating apps at all make his skin itchy – he feels pretty comfortable with this answer.

Are there a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals in your friend group?
Absolutely! Lots of my friends are queer.
A few good friends of mine identify as LGBTQ+.
Not really—most of my friends are straight.
Nope. My entire friend group is straight.

Shane briefly thinks about Joe, who’s pursuing a career in figure skating. Joe had come out to the few of them who carpooled to the rink together while they waited for one of their moms. No one really said anything at the time, but Shane could feel the hockey players pull back while the figure skaters closed in. He had wanted to say something nice, but he didn’t know what that would even be.

Shane’s not not his friend, even if they haven’t talked in a while. He’s definitely not homophobic! But they’re not really friends like the people he plays hockey with. So he probably doesn’t count.

What inspired you to take this quiz?
I think I might be gay, but I wanted some extra validation.
I identify with aspects of the queer experience but am not totally sure where I stand.
I'm just curious about the result I'll get.
I want to confirm that I'm heterosexual.

He’s sure he’s straight. He’s never actually thought about it before, but isn’t that part of it? People who are straight typically don’t look at it too closely; they just know. And Shane just knows.

He clicks the button to show the results, pointedly ignoring that – by taking this quiz – he is looking at it closely. Whatever “it” is.

You’re probably straight.

Shane sighs in relief when he sees the results. The word “probably” sticks in his mind for an extra second or two, but he figures that a website can’t confirm something like this. Either way, whatever that was earlier, it was a blip. A strange, confusing, electrifying blip that he can forget all about. The proof is sitting directly in front of him.

He closes out of the tab before promptly deleting his history and closing his laptop. He needs to be up in just over eight hours, and he can’t afford to lose any sleep before he takes on the Russian team. Ilya Rozanov has been an incredible player to watch, but he’s sure it’ll be even more fun to beat him tomorrow.

Chapter 2: Buzzfeed

Chapter Summary

Unfortunately for Shane, once he gets a question in his head – even one as stupid as “do I actually like sucking cock?” – it’s impossible to remove it. Which is exactly why he pulls out his phone, makes a quick Google search, and opens a link from some website called Buzzfeed.
_____________

Or, after Ilya leaves his Toronto hotel room, one pesky question won't leave Shane alone.

Chapter Notes

Hi, all! Thank you so much for the love I got on Chapter 1! This has been a joy to write, so I'm glad to see it resonated with so many of you. Hope you enjoy this update!

Toronto 2010

It takes Shane half an hour to come down from the heart-thumping panic associated with what he’s just done.

He had hoped that they could talk. That he’d have a chance to explain why they shouldn't do this. That they didn't even want to! Rozanov would agree, promise to keep things quiet, and they would go their separate ways.

Instead, Shane hit the floor with a level of single-minded focus he’d only seen in himself on the ice.

Curious, Rozanov had said. Shane had agreed, even while wrestling down words that felt more apt. Mesmerized. Fascinated.

So fucking horny.

Shane shakes his head, immediately pushing away from the thought. Rozanov caught his attention, clearly. Piqued his curiosity. And who wouldn’t be curious about their arch-rival, even if they’ve only ever played two games?

Unfortunately for Shane, once he gets a question in his head – even one as stupid as “do I actually like sucking cock?” – it’s impossible to remove it. Which is exactly why he pulls out his phone, makes a quick Google search, and opens a link from some website called Buzzfeed.

Choose a Colour
Red
Blue
Pink
Yellow
Lilac
Green

Can colors be gay? He knows that the rainbow is a symbol for gay rights, but can individual colors be gay?

He chooses red easily enough; he’s Canadian, and he’s about to be a Metro, so it feels natural. Normal, even.

Pick your Favorite Beyoncé Song
Flawless
Single Ladies
Run the World
Drunk in Love
Crazy in Love
TBH, I’m not into Beyoncé

There’s something about music – all music – that he’s never quite figured out how to get. Every time his turn came to put on a playlist, he’d let himself be skipped. It’s always easier to pretend that he’s being a generous captain instead of navigating the truth: he’d take the easy cadence of an audiobook (or honestly, complete fucking silence in his headphones) over any song, including one by Beyoncé, any day of the week.

Do you enjoy consensual sexual experiences with, or feel a sexual attraction to, members of the same sex as yourself?
Yes, all the time
Quite a bit, yeah
Um. What?
Now and Then
Hardly Ever
Never

After a couple of pretty easy questions, this one completely trips him up. It shouldn’t, but it does. He sought out a quiz to figure out if he’s gay, and now he’s stunned by the only question he should’ve been prepared for.

It certainly helps that his heart is just as tangled up as his head. He should be able to tap into his gut the same way he does on the ice, but everything in his body is throwing up pleased, post-orgasm error codes. Which leaves him only one answer.

What city would you most like to live in?
New York
London
Paris
San Francisco
Tokyo
Moscow

It takes him a full five minutes to answer this question, his screen turning dark as he considers every aspect.

Of these options, the MLH only exists in New York and San Francisco. But, from what he’s experienced, London is the quietest. He does speak French, so Paris wouldn’t be too bad, and he’d at least be near his grandparents if he lived in Tokyo – though it's been a long time since he's heard from them, and his Japanese is practically nonexistent. Rozanov is from Moscow, but he dismisses that fairly quickly; it’s one thing to suck the guy’s dick, but to live in the guy’s city? That screams desperate.

And he doesn’t even know if he liked it. That’s what the quiz is for.

He marks one at random, checking to make sure it isn’t Moscow before scrolling away.

What’s your drink of choice?
Beer
Gin & Tonic
White Wine
Cocktails
Stout
Whisky

There’s nothing non-alcoholic on the list, but he’s been to enough bars to know that ginger ale works as a decent beer substitute. No one even bats an eye at it.

OK, just to clarify - do you like having sex with people of the same sex?
No. Really, no.
Barely.
Sort of. Now and then.
Quite a lot.
I already told you. Yes, I do.
Gender binaries, WTF?

Given that he’s only done it once, ‘now and then’ isn’t an option. ‘Quite a lot’ and ‘Not really, no.’ both seem too strong. He definitely didn’t tell the quiz anything, and the last option provides more questions than relief. The second answer is definitely safest.

Besides, he’s not even entirely sure how much this counts as sex. He came, obviously. But everything else seem more firm for someone who has only had one guy’s dick in his mouth one time.

Well, technically twice.

What’s your ideal Saturday night?
Clubbing until 5AM
Dinner & Theatre
Quiet drink with Friends
Doing something new
House Party!
Night in with Netflix

Everything on this list sounds awful, but Netflix is closest to hockey. And he’s seen The Mighty Ducks, which definitely could be on Netflix.

Oooh, hang on. Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone of the same sex?
Nope.
This one time…
Yep, a bit.
Quite often, actually.
Yes. Yes I have. Obviously.
Your questions are weird.

He’s tempted to mark the last answer; these questions have been really weird, and it’s nice that the quiz has a built-in feedback channel. But this is also the easiest question to answer of any of them so far, so he just moves on.

Which U.S. President do you most identify with?
Barack Obama
William Howard Taft
Ronald Reagan
Abe Lincoln
James Buchanan
JFK

Shane knows almost nothing about most of these people, but at least Barack Obama is alive. And he’s pretty sure Obama’s mixed-race, too; maybe he could relate.

What’s your favorite root vegetable?
Carrot
Jerusalem Artichoke
Potato
Sweet Potato
Ginger
Beet

These questions are awful. All of these vegetables have vastly different nutritional contents, supporting the absorption of different vitamins and meeting different calorie goals.

At least his mom likes to use ginger in her cooking. She also uses sweet potato, but he’s never figured out how to get over the texture of it.

He smiles when he selects ginger, remembering earlier when ginger ale wasn’t even adjacent to a possible answer. In a frankly ridiculous way, it feels like he’s getting back at the quiz for being so terrible.

If you could pick your ideal partner for a romantic date, what qualities would they have?
They’d be the same sex as me
Preferably the same sex. But mostly, you know, hot.
Don’t care about their sex. Care about wine.
Ideally the opposite sex. But it’s no biggie.
They must be the opposite sex, you hear me?
Dates are boring.

He’d like to say that his romantic dates have to include girls, but he frankly doesn’t like dates anyway. He’s only been on a handful, and none of them were particularly fun. Boring doesn’t cover it well, but it’s at least a little more honest.

Pick a weather phenomenon
Flooding
Little fluffy clouds
Sunshine
Tornado
Ball lightning
Big pretty rainbow

Is ‘Big pretty rainbow’ supposed to be the gay answer? Does that mean he should choose it or avoid it? Is it homophobic to avoid an answer just because it’s gay?

Is it homophobic to assume that the answer with a rainbow is gay?

He hates floods, has never experienced a tornado, and has no interest in knowing what ‘ball lightning’ is. At least the sun provides a little warmth when it gets cold.

Which sex is sexiest?
Same sex as me, duh.
Mostly the same as me. But hey.
All sexes are sexy.
Opposite sex wins. Just.
Opposite. Opposite. Opposite.
Stop being a sexiness fascist.

Shane chooses this answer quickly, allowing himself to pretend that the catch of his breath is attraction instead of fear. The words stick in his head like a spell; if he says it three times, maybe it’ll be easier to swallow the lingering panic in his throat.

Obviously girls are sexier. Obviously.

Pick an Arbitrary Box
Box A
Box B
Box 3
Box Four
This Box
Screw Your Boxes

They’re not even properly labeled! Why are the first two letters followed by numbers? And then the fourth is spelled out as a word rather than following the pattern of the third? It’s a mess and he fucking hates it. He hates this quiz. Why is he even still taking it?

A plane leaves New York at 4:15 local time, bound for London, travelling at 500MPH. Another plane leaves London at 9:30PM local time, heading in the opposite direction, travelling at 550MPH. If they maintain a constant airspeed, do you ever want to have sex with someone of the same sex?
Wait, what? Yes, FFS.
Still yes. You cannot trick me with maths puzzles.
Yeessss…. *Backs Slowly Away*
*Awkward Wavey Hand Gesture*
No. *Storms out of Room*
This quiz does not represent me at all.

Finally, something he can agree on without feeling like he’s on the verge of combusting.

Traditional labels are meaningless!

"Gay," "Straight," "Male," "Female"... There's a lot more to the world than those blunt terms encompass! You get to define yourself, and you're free to celebrate your sexuality — or lack of — however you choose! Hurrah!

Shane closes out of the tab, deleting his history with far more force than absolutely necessary before throwing his phone on the bed with an audible thump.

This has been the biggest waste of time of his life. More so than when his aunt cornered him at Christmas three years ago to tell him about her new water bed. For an hour.

It didn’t even give him any information to go off of! What does that mean, ‘traditional labels are meaningless’? Is he gay or not?

He shakes his head, running his hands over his face and groaning. He’ll just have to go with the last quiz he took, which told him he was straight.

Probably. Probably straight.

He wishes that the ‘probably’ didn’t stand out so much in his memory after two whole years.

Chapter End Notes

Thanks so much for reading! As always, I love reading your comments and feedback. Please let me know if you think anything is mistagged or unclear, especially.

See y'all on Wednesday for the next quiz, taking place in Montreal 2012!

Chapter 3: Freedom for All Americans

Chapter Summary

It didn’t take long before he was seeing stars. It took longer to work up the courage to grab his phone and ask a now-familiar question, but he knew he needed to. Sucking each other’s dicks when they’re together is one thing, but jerking off to a Boston game when Rozanov wasn’t even in the same country? That’s a whole different thing.
__________
Or, Shane follows up some personal pleasure with another "Am I Gay?" Quiz

Chapter Notes

Hi, all! I've upped the rating to mature for this chapter, and this chapter only. I'll put a spoiler warning at the end of this note so folks can read it (or not). It's definitely the most explicit thing I've ever written, but I've never written anything explicit before, so I don't think it's too much.

Thanks to everyone for reading, kudos-ing, and commenting so far! It means the world to have folks interested in this silly little fic! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Click here for rating-related spoilers

In this chapter, Shane takes the quiz after using his dildo. I mostly gloss over the actual masturbation of it, focusing on the feelings instead of the act itself. But I use enough NSFW language to make the fic Mature instead of Teen.

In the first part, he's coming down from his orgasm, and in the second, he's cleaning up.

Montreal 2012

Slowly, Shane’s limbs come back online. The rise and fall of his chest slows as the heat slowly fades from his cheeks, ebbs down his neck. It takes another few seconds to remove the dildo, and with that, the full feeling he’s come to enjoy.

He can't even believe how this fucking started. He had just planned on watching a game. He shouldn’t have even gone near choosing the Boston vs. Seattle game, but the only other option was Toronto vs. Buffalo. And he wasn’t that desperate.

In hindsight, maybe he should’ve been. If the texts from Rozanov had been hot (despite his general lack of response), watching him play was even hotter. He was such an asshole on the ice, slamming guys into the boards and stealing the puck right out from under them. Winking at the camera as the goal horn rang out.

Heat pooled in his stomach, his dick twitching without his permission, as he watched Rozanov build up to a hat trick. By the third goal, Shane’s mouth was completely dry and his dick ached.

The moment the game ended, he rushed to his room, grabbing the purple dildo from his bedside table. He’d never had to try so hard when opening himself up, sure that the smallest movement would have him shooting off before he’d even lined up the toy, but he managed to make it work.

It didn’t take long before he was seeing stars. It took longer to work up the courage to grab his phone and ask a now-familiar question, but he knew he needed to. Sucking each other’s dicks when they’re together is one thing, but jerking off to a Boston game when Rozanov wasn’t even in the same country? That’s a whole different thing.

He clicks on the first new link he finds, wincing at the website name. At this point, though, he can’t be too picky; "Freedom for All Americans" it is.

Which of these TV characters do you identify with most?
Will from Will & Grace
Jim Halpert from The Office
Nomi from Sense8
Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory
Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother
Oberyn Martell from Game of Thrones

He’s glad that there are at least photos attached. Shane’s heard of some of these shows, but he’s never seen them before.

The Office is popular, but that guy doesn’t seem very athletic. Neither does the first guy. And the fourth guy, Barney, is wearing a way cockier expression than Shane ever would. He’s pretty sure he’s seen a look like that on Rozanov, which completely rules him out.

He’s gotten plenty of chirps on the ice and in the locker room that he’s “Hockey’s Sheldon Cooper,” but given how it’s usually followed by laughter – and how Hayden always tells them to shut the fuck up before instructing him to ignore them – he’s not eager to associate himself with the guy. Even to a quiz that he’ll be removing from his history.

Between Nomi and Oberyn, the choice is fairly easy. One is a random woman in a show he’s never heard of, and the other is literally Pedro Pascal - and Shane's definitely heard of him.

You walk into a room, and someone of the same gender catches your eye. What's the vibe?
Wait, did they just glow? I can’t look away!
They’re cute, I guess, but I’m not feeling all the fireworks.
Meh, not my type at all. I’m already thinking about lunch.
I’m intrigued, but I’m not sure if it’s attraction or just admiration.

Shane’s walked into a lot of rooms with a lot of eye-catching men: locker rooms, banquet halls, award show auditoriums. He’s only one year out from his rookie season, and it’s still hard to believe that he wins face-offs against Scott Hunter. He’d be more surprised if they weren’t catching his eye.

Besides, isn’t this the quiz meant to tell him if it's attraction or admiration? Seems like lazy quiz development, if you ask him.

Shane clicks to the next question anyways.

Which aesthetic best represents your personality?
Cottagecore
Dark Academia
Vaporwave
Minimalist
Boho Chic
Urban Street

He’s still a year or so out from his cottage dreams becoming a reality, but he definitely doesn’t want the flowers or the vines. He likes the sleek wooden finishes from the “Boho Chic” image, but he knows that the actual style is a nightmare.

And, well. Shane certainly wouldn’t call his style “Minimalist,” but he’s no stranger to being called boring. Especially by Rozanov. And if there were ever an appropriate time to listen to him…

Imagine your dream date. Who are you picturing?
Someone of the same gender - it’s just how I roll!
Someone who vibes with me, regardless of gender.
Someone of the opposite gender - classic choice.
I’m not sure yet. My dream date is more about the connection than the gender.

He’s taken enough of these quizzes to admit that he may be a little unsure. He likes to be certain about things, and clearly the first two tries left him looking for clarity. Well, that and the purple dildo that’s still laying on the lube-covered towel on his bed.

Third time’s the charm.

In high school, did you ever find a classmate of the same gender extra attractive?
Oh yeah, major crush. It felt magical.
I noticed a few, but wasn’t sure if it was a crush or just admiration.
Nah, I was all about the opposite gender.
I didn’t really think about it, I was focused on other things.

If he’s being really honest, he’s not sure he’s found a girl extra attractive. They seem to all have similar levels of baseline attractiveness.

But also, what is extra attractive? If they wear make-up, he certainly notices. Jackie’s explained the power of make-up and confidence enough that he can mentally note when women are putting in extra effort to be attractive – that should bump them up, right?

It would help if there was a scale. And if that scale could come with a baseline for how attractive straight guys found women.

It doesn’t actually matter. He had other stuff on his mind in high school – namely, getting to the MLH – so he selects the appropriate answer.

If you’re really feeling yourself, what’s your go-to look?
Something sleek and fashionable that screams ‘I know I look good, deal with it.’
Casual chic, but with just a hint of effort - not trying too hard but definitely pulling off the ‘effortlessly cool’ vibe.
T-shirt and jeans, and honestly, I don’t care if it’s considered basic. Comfort is key.
I’m not really ‘feeling myself’ unless I’m in pajamas, watching Netflix.

Shane absolutely hates jeans – the rough denim and harsh seams drive him crazy. But, given the other answers in the quiz, he could probably swap those out for gym shorts. He does just want to be comfortable.

How do you feel about the idea of kissing someone of the same gender?
It’s not just a thought, it’s a full-blown fantasy.
I wouldn’t mind, as long as they don’t have bad breath.
Honestly, I think I’d be more worried about how awkward it’d be. Like, do we tilt our heads the same way?
It’s a no for me, I’ll keep the lip action with the opposite gender, thanks.

Does it count as a fantasy if he’s done it? Or is the quiz asking him to imagine it now. Because he was just imagining it, and it was pretty great, but it also didn’t feel like a fantasy. It was more of a… a really good memory.

None of these quizzes ever make any fucking sense.

At least the second option feels like a more tangible concern that could be addressed, if the need to address it were to ever arise. Fortunately, that’s never been an issue with Rozanov. He always tastes like sweat and bad ideas, but his breath is always good, so Shane’s never minded. He can’t imagine minding.

You’re at a music festival, and someone of the same gender takes your hand in the crowd. What happens next?
It feels like I’m floating. I’m all in!
I’m a little thrown off but open to it. Let’s see where this goes.
I freeze. My hand’s staying put, thank you very much.
I’m not sure how to react. I’m just enjoying the music, and the hand-holding feels like a random moment that doesn’t mean much.

Shane would rather bag skate for hours than go to a music festival. If he ever did end up in a situation like this, he thinks he’d explode if a stranger dragged him through the crowd.

No thanks.

Which statement best describes your relationship with a close friend?
We talk about everything - even that one time we had a moment.
I make them laugh. We’d be lost without each other.
We have no-judgement talks, but I wonder if they think about kissing me.
We’re best friends - no need for complications.

Hayden is the best friend he could ask for, and he never wants his dick anywhere near him. The idea sends a shiver down his spine.

When you think about LGBTQ+ culture, you feel:
This is my tribe. I love the inclusivity and the vibe!
I respect it, but I’m not sure if I fully belong.
I’m more of a spectator, but I appreciate what it stands for.
I don’t really agree with it. It’s not for me, and I don’t understand some of the aspects of it.

He always appreciates when people can get the community they need. It’s not for him, he’s pretty sure, but he certainly wouldn’t look down on anyone belonging to it.

If your best friend asked if you’d be open to dating someone of the same gender, what would you say?
I’d say “Yes” without hesitation! Let’s make it happen.
I’m not sure, but I’m definitely open to exploring.
Not my thing, I’m all about the opposite gender.
I’d say, “I haven’t really thought about it, but I’m not opposed to the idea.”

There is no universe where he ever tells Hayden any of this. Ever. It’s hard enough being all of the things he knows he is – the only Asian guy in the league, notoriously awkward, too intense to catch the jokes that are constantly being told.

But to tell Hayden this whole other thing – that he’s not even very sure about! – makes him feel a little lightheaded. Maybe Hayd wouldn’t mind, but Shane has no interest in finding out.

Besides, as far as the other quizzes have said, he’s straight. So there’s nothing to tell.

At a concert, a same-gender singer’s voice captivates you. How do you respond?
Imagine a passionate duet with them, eyes locked.
Feel the urge to show off your dance moves.
Wonder how much they make per show.
Think about joining them for a post-concert meal, but that’s it.

He still doesn’t really like music. He’s getting better at listening to it, and he’ll even try to choose one song to compliment from someone else’s locker room playlist. But he’s never been captivated by a singer’s voice, and a concert sounds almost as bad as a music festival.

At least thinking about the business side of things gives him something interesting to do.

If you had to share a random, spontaneous kiss with someone of the same gender, how would you feel?
Oh. My. Gosh. That would be thrilling! I’d be all in!
I’d be curious and open to it, though a little awkward at first.
I’d feel uncomfortable. Kisses should definitely be with the opposite gender for me.
I’d be indifferent. It’s just a kiss, and I’m not sure what it means yet.

Okay, well. He did just describe it as a really good memory. He wouldn't want something like that in public! And he knows that all of his kisses with Rozanov have had some measure of planning. But none of the other answers seem to capture the intensity he feels when their lips crash together.

Which feels like an admission he’d rather not be making.

When you watch a rom-com, who do you picture the lead character falling in love with?
Someone of the same gender - it’s all about the chemistry!
A mix! Love is love, no matter the gender.
Someone of the opposite gender - classic romance!
I’m not sure yet. It’s more about the connection than the gender.

He’s only watched a handful of rom-coms, and only with Hayden on planes. He knows that they’ll probably end up in a straight relationship, but he’s not really that invested. Still, he wouldn’t mind a movie with a gay couple, so he probably just cares about if they like each other.

Which definitely feels ironic, considering whose dick he was just thinking about.

What’s your gut feeling when you think about your sexual identity?
I feel like I’m definitely into the same gender. It just makes sense to me.
I’m in that gray area, figuring it out as I go!
I feel pretty clear about liking the opposite gender.
I’m not really sure yet. I’m still exploring and open to whatever feels right.

The two answers that he’d like to pick feel identical, but he opts for the second one. It feels more cautious than the one with an exclamation point, which sums up his position quite nicely.

You are not gay

According to your answers, it looks like you're not gay. And that’s totally okay! Sexuality is a spectrum, and everyone experiences it differently. What’s most important is being honest with yourself and embracing who you are.

Remember, quizzes like this are just for fun, they’re not the final word on your identity. Take your time, explore, and don’t feel pressured to label yourself if you’re not ready. You’re awesome, just as you are.

As always, Shane closes the tab before deleting the history. It doesn’t escape him that he now has a routine.

He rolls over to plug in his phone before gathering up the dildo and towel to take to the bathroom. Quickly, he tosses the towel in the hamper – making a mental note to do the laundry tomorrow to keep from ruining it altogether – before turning to the sink. He grabs his antibacterial toy cleaner, allowing the process to make use of his hands as he tries to sort his head.

It should feel better, he knows. This is the second quiz that’s explicitly confirmed him as straight, and he doesn’t even count the one from before. He still doesn’t understand how a root vegetable is meant to determine his sexuality.

And yet, he hates that it still doesn’t settle him. That there’s still some strange feeling in his gut telling him… something. He’s not sure what that could even be, but it sits in his chest like a stone regardless.

He grabs his designated microfiber cloth, thoroughly drying the toy he still can’t believe he bought. He’s read enough online to know that buying a dildo – using a dildo! – doesn’t make him gay. It’s completely normal, and it’s far safer than using any of the objects that have sent other men to the hospital.

If he ended up in the hospital with a lightbulb up his ass, he would simply have to change his name and move to Australia.

There are no other options.

He places his dildo in its designated bag before stepping into the shower, allowing the spray to wash away what’s left of the dried mess on his stomach. It would be nice if the hot water could do something about the weight on his chest, but he’d probably have to upgrade the showerhead for something like that.

Which… not his worst idea. He’ll add it to the list.

Chapter End Notes

Thank you so much for reading! Please let me know what you think, especially about rating and tag stuff (but definitely also about the fic if you feel up to it!)

I wanted Shane to be less resistant to his own answers, and I hope that came across. He's justifying things less and allowing himself to be a little more open about how he actually feels. Not super open, but he's coming around to himself.

Hopefully I balanced his straight-forward reading of these questions with his slowly growing willingness to open up. I, too, was "focused on other things" in high school

Next chapter (publishing on Sunday) will be set in Montreal 2014! See you then!

Chapter 4: Next Gay Thing

Chapter Summary

Without conscious thought, he pulls his phone out, navigating to Google to type in the question he asks every so often. Just to get some answers, really. Double-check things. Again.
_________
Or, Shane finally gives Ilya his address. He ends up with one question in the afterglow.

Chapter Notes

Hi all! We made it out of the AO3 trenches! I literally was about to update and the site crashed, so I hope it's worth the wait after a long day like this one.

Thank you so much to everyone reading, I'm so so grateful to how supportive and engaged folks have been with this fic!!

This chapter takes place in Montreal 2014, just after Ilya leaves Shane's place.

Enjoy!

Montreal 2014

The glowing feeling from the stairwell lingers, even as Shane pulls himself back up the stairs. He goes through the motions of changing the bed sheets, taking a shower, and starting a load of laundry with little conscious thought; every part of him is just warm and bright.

By the time he sits down on the couch, a cold can of ginger ale in one hand and the remote flicking to game tape for their meeting with St. Louis on Tuesday in the other, he’s fully come back online. His chest feels like a little sun lives there, and he’s half-tempted to press his drink to his sternum to make sure he doesn’t need medical attention.

He doubts it would help anyway. This glow feels intrinsic to his very being. For the first time in his life, he’s finally figured out why everyone on fucking Earth is so obsessed with sex.

The thought pulls him up short, the gooey feeling quickly hardening as his breath catches, fingers stuttering over remote buttons.

That wasn’t true. Shane doesn’t even know why he thought that. He’s had sex before, and he’s enjoyed it. It’s not like Rozanov took his virginity or some shit; he’s 23 years old! He can go to a bar in any city they play in, he’s had girlfriends, he can buy lottery tickets! He’s had sex – and he’s definitely enjoyed it.

Without conscious thought, he pulls his phone out, navigating to Google to type in the question he asks every so often. Just to get some answers, really. Double-check things. Again.

He skips by the few that he recognizes, blushing lightly at the knowledge that he actually recognizes some of the websites, and clicks on the first one that looks even vaguely legit.

Are you gay?
No, but my boyfriend is
Yes and proud of it!
I’m experimenting, I suppose
Not as far as I know

It’s hard to call this experimentation, since he’s only been with one guy, but Shane isn’t dumb. He could’ve stopped this at any point. He could’ve left Rozanov on read tonight, even.

But he’s been curious from the start, and he figured that this was enough to satiate it. Unfortunately, he couldn’t have been more wrong. His curiosity has only grown, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever escape it. Not completely.

Taylor Swift is…
A Madonna/Cher/Lady Gaga Wannabe
The Queen of Everything
Who?

Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t actually live under a rock. Like seemingly every person on earth, Jackie has been obsessed with Red since it came out over a year ago, so he’s heard it a few times at this point. But he still doesn’t have any real opinion of her, and he definitely doesn’t see why she’s relevant to his sexuality.

I…
.. love hot underwear
.. don’t care about my underwear
.. usually don’t wear good underwear but would love to

Shane has a pretty extensive list of requirements for his clothing – including tags, seams, and fabric needs. Fortunately, there’s far less fabric on a pair of underwear, so they’re the easiest piece of clothing to navigate.

He found a brand he likes years ago, and he generally buys in bulk over the summer to replace any older pairs. Now, as long as they don’t have tags or holes, he doesn’t care much. Sometimes he chooses an errant pack of navy blue instead of buying all black, but that’s about as wild as he gets.

I meet new people largely…
.. on Grindr
… on Instagram
.. on Facebook
.. Bars/Clubs
I don’t like people
… at Work

He can count on one hand the number of people he’s met outside of hockey since he joined the Metros. Hockey is his friends, his mentors, his life; what else is he meant to do?

Have you ever had your eyebrows plucked, waxed, or in some other way modified?
Yes, I’m not an animal
No, why should I ever do that?!

It was pitched once, for one of his first ad shoots. They plucked one hair, and he immediately jumped up, shaking his head at the woman holding his eyebrow hair between her tweezers. The rest of the shoot went fine, but it was never brought up in any contract again – likely his mom’s doing.

His eyebrows are fine as they are; besides, he’s a professional hockey player! No one really expects them to be perfect.

How many different perfumes do you have?
I don’t use perfume
Less than 3
More than 7, I lost count

He nearly selects the second option; he’s the brand ambassador for a fragrance company, and he does technically own his own scent. But it’s nowhere near natural for him, and it gives him a headache, so it just lives in the bottom of his bathroom storage closet.

The first option feels more honest, even if the second is technically true as well. It’s hard to imagine anyone having seven perfumes, so he stays away from that answer and moves on.

Take some time and think about your friends. Who are they?
Mostly straight girls
Mostly straight guys
Mostly gay guys
Mostly lesbians

This is the easiest question he keeps getting, and it’s really never going to change. Unless someone on his team randomly turns out to be gay – which, wouldn’t that be something? – he’s in a field dominated by straight guys, in a locker room surrounded by straight guys.

Statistically, someone in the league has to be gay. Rozanov certainly likes both, given the number of women Shane catches pictures of and the fact that – despite the risk – they still haven’t ended this. But he still doesn’t know what he did to catch Rozanov’s attention to begin with, so he has no idea where to start identifying anyone else.

Favourite drink?
Cocktails
Water
Iced Latte
Beer
I don’t care

At least this quiz has water as an option, even if ginger ale is his actual favorite drink. He shakes his head, clicking through. This is the most straight-forward quiz he’s ever taken, so he won’t complain if he has to choose water over ginger ale.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
One pair per season
Way too many

His mom is an amazing negotiator; as part of his contract, he gets three pairs of Reeboks for free, in whatever colors he wants, every single year. Which means that, at the moment, he’s got at least ten pairs of those alone. Not to mention his skates, slides, and other runners.

The Results are in… and you are 24% gay!
This makes you not so gay… but still fab, plus you got hope, we see the potential!

24%.

The number lands in his chest, tucking itself under his ribs and winding through his spinal column with far less fanfare than he would’ve expected. He can handle that. He can work with that.

It explains why they keep coming back together like magnets. Why he sometimes just pulls out his phone to stare at their text messages. Why he suddenly feels more alive when Rozanov steps in closer to collide their lips and tongues and teeth.

It’s not the most surprising result in the world, Shane can admit. It’s strangely comforting, in a way. The other quizzes didn’t understand his situation, but this one feels more solid. Continuing to take them after finding out that he’s straight seems… defensive. But if there’s a part of him that’s just a little bit not completely straight, then everything makes more sense.

Even more importantly, he suddenly feels like he’s got more space to breathe. Because 24% isn’t that gay.

It’s barely gay at all – less than a quarter gay! It’s gay enough to do what they’re doing for now and find a girl when he’s ready. He’s focused on hockey, and if that means he occasionally has sex – mind-blowing sex – with Rozanov until he’s less focused on hockey, then so be it. 24% is gay enough to do exactly that, and it isn’t a big deal – not even a little bit.

For the first time in what feels like forever, the knot in his stomach loosens. He closes the tab, promptly deleting all traces of his query from his history. He takes a deep breath, taking stock of the tightness that still exists in his jaw, in his throat, in his sternum.

Is that what he’s feeling? Less-than-a-quarter-gay? Is that a feeling? Is this something gay people feel all the time? Or is it stronger in people who are actually gay?

24%. That’s nothing. Really, really nothing. It’s not even worth thinking about, that’s how nothing it is.

Strange, baffling relief fills him as he grabs for the remote once again. It's easy to pull his focus back to the hockey game, but it feels different now. Better, in some way. Whatever percentage of anything the quiz says he is, he knows one thing: he’s 100% a professional hockey player. As far as Shane's always been concerned, that’s what matters.

Chapter End Notes

Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to know your thoughts, this was one of my favorite chapters to write.

Something that I especially loved doing was keeping Shane from attaching himself too closely to the result of the quiz (even though it made him feel better). He let himself think that he wasn't completely straight and that the number the quiz shows is a little gay, but I never let him get to the point of "he's a little gay".

The next chapter will be set in Boston 2016, so I'm looking forward to seeing you for that on Wednesday!

Chapter 5: ProProf

Chapter Summary

Shane grabs his phone from his pocket, grateful that he had the good sense to bring it back with him, if not his actual clothes, and types in the only question on his mind. The one he needs an answer to. The one that he’s afraid of.
_________
Or, post-Tuna Meltdown, Shane is desperate for answers.

Chapter Notes

Hi, all! Thank you so much for the continued love on this fic, it means the world to me!

This one is set in Boston 2016, directly after Shane leaves Ilya's apartment. I updated the tags to include "Light Angst" and "Angst with a Happy Ending" because there's still one chapter to go, but this one is definitely a low point for our boy.

Enjoy!

Boston 2016

If he were thinking clearly, he’d be much more subtle than this. He’d open the door quietly, give Hayden an excuse for his new outfit, and calmly walk to the bathroom to take a shower and forget any of this ever happened.

It’s a testament to how untethered he feels that he doesn’t even register if Hayden’s questioned the outfit at all. He couldn’t tell you how hard he shoved open the door or how fast he ran to the bathroom.

Is Hayden even still in the room?

Once the door is firmly shut, Shane collapses onto the toilet, pushing his head between his knees.

It feels like he’s been having this panic attack all day long, from the moment Rozanov asked him to stay. He pushed a ginger ale into Shane’s hand – cold like it had been sitting in his fridge, waiting for him for days – and made him a fucking tuna melt. They had their first conversations, and Shane liked it.

Fuck, he really liked it.

How the hell did he let this happen?

Tears start to fall, blurring his vision, and the only thing he can reach for is answers. Cold, tangible, uncomplicated answers to the absolute ruin that his mind has become.

Shane grabs his phone from his pocket, grateful that he had the good sense to bring it back with him, if not his actual clothes, and types in the only question on his mind. The one he needs an answer to. The one that he’s afraid of.

He scrolls without thinking before landing on a website called Proprof. It doesn’t seem very official, but he can’t be too choosy right now. He needs something to hold onto, wherever that comes from.

Right now, what would you consider yourself?
Straight
Gay
Bisexual
Bi-curious

He nearly has a breakdown right then and there, unable to make it past the first hurdle. He wants more than anything to just click straight, but he’s so lost.

In what universe do straight guys do this? Is it this one? Where they wear their enemy’s shirts and pants as they rush out the door. Or eat tuna melts on the couch. Or say their name, feeling the weight of it settle something roaring and intrinsic somewhere Shane didn’t even know it existed.

Do straight guys do that? Can they, even for just a second, so that Shane doesn’t feel like he’s about to explode?

Please?

Shane presses the last choice, blinking back tears as he does so. It’s the only option that doesn’t kill him, but he still has to fight to get his breathing under control.

Were you ever curious about dating someone from the same gender?
Yeah! Seized the opportunity!
I was just curious!
No!
No, but I wanted to!

Curious. He was always just curious. That’s what they said at the beginning, and it’s the only thing keeping him together now.

You are currently dating someone of the opposite gender, and you discover that there is someone of the same gender who has strong feelings for you. You:
Continue dating people from the opposite gender because that's what you want.
OMG, someone from the same gender liked me. I am excited!
I would never go out with people of the opposite gender in the first place.
Try dating that person and see where you and this person can go.

He hasn’t dated a girl since the draft. His brain has always been too full of hockey to worry about dating, and he’s just now in his prime.

But if he were dating a girl, he’s sure he’d keep dating her. He’s sure of it. He doesn’t do casual with anyone other than Rozanov, so if he were dating a girl, he wouldn’t just throw that away.

Would you ever try dating a person even if they are from the same gender just because of their awesome personality?
No, I would probably just be friends. I prefer dating people from the opposite gender only.
Definitely, I actively seek a potential partner from the same gender.
I would definitely give it a shot!
I would probably try dating.

If today taught him anything, it’s that Shane wouldn’t want to date a man. Not even if the guy’s dick made him forget his own name or he bought ginger ale specifically for Shane or his heart beat steadily under Shane’s head. Not even if his fingers combed through his hair in a way that made him feel complete or his curls looked golden in the light of day or he babbled in Russian when he got close.

Not even then.

You believe that people from the opposite gender are never interested in you. What do you do?
I don't like them anyway. I would prefer someone from the same gender.
Move on and keep trying. Someone will be interested in me someday!
It doesn't bother me that much... I think I’m gay!?
Expand my horizons, and look for someone from the same gender too.

He’s a professional hockey player, and his closest friends have been trying to set him up for years. Maybe he ought to start listening. Someone will be The One, and then everything will be fine.

Someone who is not your type asks you out. What do you do?
You are not interested. So, you don't talk to them, and you don't lead them on or send any mixed signals!
Tell them you are not interested.
I would give that person a shot!
There will be someone who’s my type out there interested in me.

He wonders, briefly, if he should be less skilled at this. If he should be better at talking to women who aren’t his usual “type” instead of turning them away.

It’s not lost on him that he couldn’t describe his type of woman if he tried.

Do you find people of the same gender attractive?
Yes, I often crush on them.
Yes, but not in a romantic way.
Yes, I do find them attractive.
Maybe, I don't pay attention to physical attributes much.

Shane reaches over to turn on the shower water as he blinks hard, working his fingers around the pain in his chest. He can’t quite argue given that he had sex with a man in the last four hours. But he downgrades it from a crush – which he definitely doesn’t have – and avoids the word ‘romantic’ entirely.

It’s curious. Just curious. And it would be fucking helpful if the quiz could just take his word about it.

What do you appreciate the most in people from the opposite gender?
Friendship and personality
Their smile, looks and personality.
Their looks and personality.
Everything about them.

The combination of options makes his eyes cross as he searches for the best answer, the one that makes the most sense. He doesn’t dislike anything about women, and he just said to Ilya that he likes women, so it must be everything.

Rozanov. He just said that to Rozanov.

Have you ever seen an attractive person of the same gender and felt attracted to them?
Yes, several times!
No, never.
Only sometimes
Maybe

He pulls his shirt off to give his hands something to do, not missing the way that they shake as he grips his phone again. He tried to be with a guy in Mexico, and again in LA. But the only guy he’s ever really been into is Rozanov.

Which barely even amounts to sometimes, and comes nowhere close to the exclamation point that makes his stomach turn.

Have you ever attended a gay party?
Yes! I love those parties.
No, I haven't.
I have not attended yet, but would love to someday.
I will definitely attend one if I get a chance.

Absolutely not. Next.

What would be your reaction if your best friend revealed to you that they are gay?
Wow! I would ask him out.
I will support his choice, and be happy for him. I would try to link him up with my other gay friends.
I don’t mind. I would ask him about about his experiences because I am curious.
Get excited and support them because he finally found himself.

Hayden coming out to him would be the biggest shock of his life. The man has four kids, and only two of them are twins! In this scenario, does Jackie know? Or has Hayden just found out? Would they get a divorce? Is Jackie gay?

He can feel the panic rising in him at the idea of this completely unbelievable scenario. Hayden isn’t going to come out to him, and he doesn’t have anything to come out to Hayden about, and they are never ever talking about this.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender?
No, I haven't.
One time only, and that was a dare.
Definitely, and it was great.
I haven’t yet, but I want to try.

The sweats come off as he presses the only honest answer he can and scrolls away. The ache in his chest isn’t removed so easily.

All of this fucking hurts.

How would you describe your ideal romantic partner?
Someone who understands me and shares my interests
A person with a great sense of humor and charm.
Someone who challenges me and helps me grow
I don't have a specific type; I just go with the flow.

Without any prompting, his mind drifts to Rozanov, who is all of these things. He’s funny and charming and a great hockey player and the only person who understands what it is to be at the top like he is.

He is all of these things in addition to being the worst possible option for him. The only person on Earth he can’t have, shouldn’t want to have, won’t ever have.

He chooses an answer at random; it doesn’t have anything to do with his sexuality, anyway. At least, he doesn’t think it does.

When you think about your future, who do you envision sharing it with?
A partner of the opposite gender
A partner of the same gender
I envision being open to anyone, regardless of gender.
I haven't thought much about it yet.

He likes girls, and he’s been in this sport long enough to know that girls are the only option. There’s no other way. And even if there was, he’s pretty sure he burned that bridge by running from his apartment as quickly as possible.

He doesn’t want another option, he quickly reminds himself. He’s happy with the option in front of him. The only possible option. It’s good. Great, even. Really.

How important is physical attraction to you in a relationship?
Very important; it plays a huge role in my attraction.
Somewhat important, but personality matters more
Not very important; I value emotional connections over physical ones.
I’m still figuring that out.

He’s been attracted to Rozanov for years, but this isn’t about him. It’s about a relationship – one he’ll only have with a girl. And he’s never worried too much about what they look like. He just wants to be with someone who likes hockey and loves him. Someone his parents will invite to dinner and the WAGs will eagerly welcome into the chat.

It’s never mattered to him if he’s been particularly interested in them physically. That’ll come later. Certainly.

If a close family member came out to you, how would you respond?
I would support them unconditionally and let them know I’m there for them.
I would need some time to process, but I’d ultimately support them.
I might feel uncomfortable but would try to understand their perspective.
It wouldn’t bother me at all; love is love!

He’d be supportive, but he’s never been good at telling people stuff like that. He doesn’t want the scrutiny turned back on him, especially when he’s already under a microscope.

How do you feel about discussing LGBTQ+ topics with friends or family?
I’m open and willing to share my thoughts and experiences.
I’m curious but prefer to listen rather than speak.
I’m cautious about discussing it; I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
I would love to talk about it and learn from others.

He doesn’t really know much about being gay (and it's not like the conversation has ever really come up with his parents or his teammates), but listening is definitely what he’d prefer anyway. If he were in a situation where he needed to open his mouth about any of this, he would absolutely explode.

Did you ever (or want to) wear clothes of someone from the opposite gender?
Yes, always!
No, never!
Rarely, but when I do, it looks great on me.
Never, but I think it would be cool.

It’s an easy answer, but the swirling in his gut still doesn’t let up.

How do you feel about attending gay events or gatherings?
I feel excited and comfortable attending them.
I'm curious, but haven't attended any yet.
I don't want to attend such events because I am not interested.
I would be open to trying it out.

He’s not interested in gay events. He’s honestly not even sure what a gay event is. For one desperate second, he considers searching for that as well. Instead, he marks his answer and rushes along.

Would you be comfortable if one of your friends of the same gender flirts with you at college?
I will be happy, and it will be a lot of fun.
I don’t know yet.
It would be an awkward situation for me.
I will probably flirt back.

Shane, like a lot of people in the MLH, didn’t go to college – but without an option like that, he can apply it to his actual life. He knows he’s awkward at the best of times. Being flirted with by one of his teammates would actually kill him. Most of the possibilities suggested by this quiz would kill him. They might kill him right now, just by reading them.

Heterosexual Pride
You're confidently embracing your heterosexuality! Your attractions are naturally drawn to the opposite gender, creating a unique love journey. Celebrate every connection, as each one enriches your understanding of love. Keep shining and enjoy the adventure of your heart!

A wave of grief hits him as he stares at the results, followed immediately by a surge of frustrated tears.

He’s staring at proof, definitive proof, that he’s not different. That he’s normal. That all of the fooling around he’s been doing for six years hasn’t meant anything. That he’s going to go find a nice woman to share his life with. They’ll have a dog and 2.5 kids, and he’ll love her and have sex with her and love having sex with her.

What else was he expecting? What did he want? Isn’t this what he wanted?

He closes the tab as quickly as he can, red-hot shame and humiliation creeping up his neck and flooding his cheeks as he deletes all of the evidence from his history.

He’s not gay. He’s not into men. His phone said as much.

Shane steps into the shower and fights the urge to cry – and the urge to retake the quiz without lying.

Chapter End Notes

Thank you so much for reading! I hope that I did this moment justice, especially since this was my favorite chapter to write. I couldn't imagine Shane allowing himself to be as open as he was last chapter, but he definitely has more awareness that he's lying -- which is also messing him up pretty bad.

Anyways, I'd love to hear what you think before we finish this fic with Tampa Bay 2017!

Chapter 6: WikiHow II

Chapter Summary

In an effort to seem marginally less intense than he feels, Shane pulls out his phone. Huffing a laugh, he types in a well-worn question and sees an all too familiar quiz.
__________
Or, Shane lands in Tampa Bay before the All-Star game. Before meeting Ilya, he asks an ever-present question.

Chapter Notes

Hi, all! Welcome to the last chapter! Thank you to everyone who's stuck with me in this fic. I don't write many multi-chapter fics, so the support has meant so, so much.

I'm not much of a fluff writer, but after last chapter, I thought y'all deserved something nice. And, frankly, so did Shane.

This fic is set just before Shane and Ilya's conversation at the All-Stars game in 2017. Enjoy!

Tampa Bay 2017

Despite navigating a travel day that’s felt like a marathon and a half, Shane couldn’t be any more keyed up.

It takes him three times to get his keycard to align with his hotel door, the thrum of his pulse – antsy and needy underneath his skin – doing little to steady him. This close to him, Shane feels like a giant neon sign pointing directly at Ilya.

As he methodically unpacks his suitcase, hanging up the suits he’ll need for media and carefully stowing his new casualwear, he runs through the schedule in his mind again. Right now, most people are getting settled in their rooms, but they’ll be at the bar soon enough. After that, it’s a scrum between himself and the West’s Captain, followed by a team meeting and dinner.

Which means that this afternoon, at the bar, is the best opportunity to talk with Ilya alone. There won’t be a chance at the meeting, and dinner will certainly be a drunken affair – which is not how he wants to do this.

Besides that, it’s the least formal option with the greatest chance for escape, which Shane wants to make sure Ilya knows is available. Just because Shane wants something more doesn’t mean that Ilya should have to listen to it.

The bar is also, arguably, the most public place to do this.

And that thought definitely doesn’t make his palms sweat.

Shane shakes his head, falling back onto his bed with a light bounce. If he wants this – and he really, really wants this – he’s going to have to find a way to stretch beyond his comfort zone. He knows how to talk about things that matter without sounding like he’s saying much; Yuna had him media trained at age 14.

But this is different. This matters more than any game he’s played, any interview he’s given, any commercial he’s filmed. And whatever happens, Shane needs to walk away from this weekend knowing that he left it all on the ice – in more ways than one.

In an effort to feel marginally less intense, Shane pulls out his phone. Huffing a laugh, he types in a well-worn question and sees an all too familiar quiz.

It’s silly, he knows. He has his answer. But seeing it written down by a computer instead of spoken aloud by Rose or to himself in the bathroom mirror could be useful. Without much hesitation, he clicks.

Have you ever had feelings for a same-gender close friend?
I think so. That’s why I’m taking this quiz.
Wait, what’s the difference between a close friend and a crush?
Don’t think so, but we’re so close people joke that we’re dating.
Nope. We’re just friends.

Shane’s not sure when he and Ilya became close friends. It seemed like all of a sudden, Shane couldn't put his phone down. They crossed some invisible line holding them back, and Shane hasn't found a way – or a desire – to uncross it. Despite everything, Shane still wholly believes that Ilya knows him better than anyone else on Earth. And like a flame he can't bring himself to extinguish, he lets himself believe that he knows Ilya that way, too.

Buried between the lines of sacred text messages and tucked under freshly laundered sheets, they unwittingly took steps forward. Maybe if he’s lucky, he can convince Ilya that another wouldn't hurt too badly.

Have you ever kissed someone or wanted to kiss someone of the same gender?
Definitely, and it was great.
I haven’t done it, but I want to try it.
Yeah, and I’m not sure how I felt about it.
Nope. Not interested.

Shane smiles at his phone, the same dopey one that Hayden calls him out on when they’re in Boston. He wishes he could remember every single kiss they’ve ever had. They were great, and even if Ilya isn’t interested in seeing him after this weekend, he hopes that he could negotiate for just one more.

How do you feel about queer characters in TV shows and movies?
Oh, I’ve totally watched shows just for the queer ships and storylines.
I kind of feel like I can identify with queer characters.
I notice queer characters, but I don’t feel strongly about them.
I like the positive representation, but they don’t stand out to me.

He still doesn’t watch much TV, but the change in queer representation in the last decade has been hard to miss. He’s never watched a show for a queer storyline, but it’s easier to think that he could without having a heart attack.

It’s easier to let himself want to be seen between the lines.

When someone asks you who you’re crushing on:
A name comes to mind immediately, and it’s someone of the same gender.
I make up a name or pick someone random.
I literally don’t get the big deal about crushes.
I talk about someone of the opposite sex who I’m genuinely crushing on.

A light blush comes to his cheeks. He’s never really thought about his relationship with Ilya as a crush, but it’s not too far off. It’s all he can do to pull his eyes away from his screen sometimes, heart fluttering as he reads Ilya’s flirty messages.

How long did he spend talking himself out of that feeling?

Too long, he’s sure. Way too fucking long.

Has anyone ever asked you if you were gay?
People pretty much assume that about me all the time.
I’ve been asked that once or twice.
No one has asked directly if I’m gay, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did ask.
Never. People assume I’m straight.

Rose did, though he’s not totally sure that it counts considering that she only figured it out after some of the most embarrassing sex of his life. Struggling to get it up for a blowjob isn’t a new low, but it’s certainly one he’s been less familiar with in recent years.

Still, he can’t bring himself to regret his relationship with her, as embarrassing as things got. Shane can’t believe how lucky he is that he managed to keep her as a friend on top of the kick in the ass he needed to get to this point.

He should send her some flowers. Or a ton of make-up wipes to help with all the blue she has to paint on.

When you imagine being in a relationship, what do you picture?
I can only see myself with someone of the same sex.
I’m not sure. Any gender seems okay.
I’ll probably be with someone of the opposite sex.
I can only see myself with someone of the opposite sex.

Realistically at this point, he can only see himself with Ilya. Other guys were… fine, mostly, but he knows why he’s been reluctant to pursue them. Even outside of the risks associated with the biggest MLH scandal in history… none of them were Ilya. They didn’t pull his hair the same or kiss him hard enough or squeeze around his ribcage the right way.

None of it’s right – not without him.

How would you feel about identifying as gay?
Yeah, that feels right.
It honestly makes me a little nervous, but also kinda fits.
I’m not sure how I feel.
No, I really don’t think that’s me.

It took a long time to get to this point, but it does finally feel right. It’s big and scary and overwhelming at times, but he doesn’t feel like the truth is hunting him anymore. Now it just lives in him, huge and bold and strangely bright.

Have you ever felt attracted to someone of the same gender?
Yes.
Yeah, but everyone has, right?
People of the same gender are just objectively more attractive.
Nope.

He rolls his eyes a bit, remembering the first time he took this quiz. His eyes land on the second answer, and he smiles.

It’s been hard to have empathy for the versions of himself that asked these questions. He wants to have known all of this years before, to have everything figured out by now. He wants to not have wasted so much time being oblivious, even if it means speeding up the heartbreak and fear.

But that’s not how it works. He was oblivious and scared – and confused, and millions of other things he couldn’t have begun to parse. It wasn’t possible for him to get here at 17 or 19 or 23 or even five months ago. And if now is the only time that he can confidently choose the first answer to this quiz, then he’ll have to make the most of the opportunity. And try to be grateful for everything that got him here.

How do you feel about dating someone of the opposite gender?
I’m not interested. That would feel like a chore.
I wouldn’t mind, and I’ve either wanted to do it or have done it.
Maybe, but I’m not really interested in anyone.
I’d definitely date (or have dated) someone of the opposite gender.

‘Chore’ feels rude, but… well, Rose certainly noticed he was gay, and it didn’t take much sleuthing for her to get there.

Do you ever fantasize about being with someone of the same gender?
Yeah. Pretty often.
Sometimes.
Yes, but I’m not sure I’d actually end up with someone of the same gender.
No.

The word ‘fantasize’ trips him up, as it does every time. Maybe other people have more cohesive ideas of what counts as a fantasy.

He chooses the first option regardless; even if it’s not a fantasy, it would be a lie to say that he hasn’t thought about Rozanov every fucking night for months.

Years.

When you imagine kissing or being intimate with a future partner, how do you feel?
As long as I’m with someone I really like, that sounds great.
Good, I guess?
I can’t imagine that, and I don’t think I’ll ever want that, regardless of gender.
I’m too young for that.

Shane picks his answer quickly; he doesn’t have time to imagine everything he and Ilya have gotten up to, not if he’d like to show up to the bar downstairs at a reasonable time.

If you scroll through your feed, do you see content from queer creators?
Yup. You got me.
Maybe! It depends on the day.
Yeah, but only because I’ve looked at one or two related posts.
Probably not.

His mom is still the only person who uses his social media, which is good. From what he’s heard, the algorithm is strangely good at figuring this stuff out, and he’d like to come out to her on his own terms – not through her seeing too many posts about queer people in sports.

Though, maybe he should get a finsta at this point. He’s already spent plenty of time doing the more dangerous thing of having Ilya’s phone number to begin with. Maybe he can allow himself to indulge a bit.

Flash forward 5 years: how likely is it that your partner is the same gender as you?
Very likely.
Pretty likely.
Possible, but not super likely.
Not very likely.

Shane wants to mark the first option, but he’s gotta hedge his bets here. He still has to talk to Ilya. Maybe it won’t go well (and he doesn’t want to assume that Ilya hasn’t found someone else in the last two months like he did), but he hopes he’s right. He hopes Ilya feels it too.

Would you be comfortable using an LGBTQ+ dating app?
Absolutely! I already have one downloaded.
I’m open to giving one a try.
Not really, but I won’t rule it out completely.
No. That makes me uncomfortable.

He downloaded Grindr once and couldn’t look at his phone for three days without his breath catching in his throat. It took Hayden asking if he needed help with anything for him to get up the courage to uninstall it. He even went into his app history to remove it.

Dating apps are probably not for him.

Are there a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals in your friend group?
Absolutely! Lots of my friends are queer.
A few good friends of mine identify as LGBTQ+.
Not really—most of my friends are straight.
Nope. My entire friend group is straight.

Once again, he can’t be the only gay person in the entire MLH. But, once again, he’s not exactly looking around his locker room for signs of it.

What inspired you to take this quiz?
I think I might be gay, but I wanted some extra validation.
I identify with aspects of the queer experience but am not totally sure where I stand.
I'm just curious about the result I'll get.
I want to confirm that I'm heterosexual.

Shane knows he’s gay now, and he’s learning to be proud of it. A little extra validation is pretty nice, though.

You might be gay!

The Shane of ten years ago hung on words like this: “might” and “probably” and “24%” in a desperate attempt to outrun himself. He would’ve done anything to avoid those words on his screen.

But this time, the exclamation doesn’t make him uncomfortable. It makes him feel a little more whole. A little more honest. And, weirdly, a little excited. He’s not ready to come out – especially given that he just figured this out about himself – but it feels like a weight has been lifted regardless.

Shane stands up, carefully making his way to his closet. His new stylist gave him a list of clothing with function and order; Shane could’ve cried when he saw it. He steps into the outfit and carefully shrugs on his new blazer – listed under “business casual / fun” and “first option” – before deleting his history and pocketing his phone.

Shane Hollander is a gay man in the MLH, he has new clothes, and he’s going to have an actual conversation with Ilya Rozanov, the man he loves.

And for the first time, none of it scares him.

Chapter End Notes

Thank you all so much for reading! I truly am honored to have so many people enjoying my fic, it's been a blast to write and share with this community.

I'd love to hear more about what you think, either here or on my Tumblr! I've got more fics coming out soon, and I'm excited to share them with you!