Chapter 1

Twitter (X) — @IlyaRoz81 @IlyaRoz81: I am not normal about my husband and I will not be seeking help. @IlyaRoz81: Watching Shane Hollander skate should require ID and a warning label. @IlyaRoz81: If you’re wondering why I play so aggressively it’s because I know what’s waiting for me at home. @IlyaRoz81: The way that man peels off his gloves after a shift has ruined my ability to focus on hockey. @IlyaRoz81: I see your stats. I raise you the sound his skates make when he stops in front of the bench. I am weak. @IlyaRoz81: Being married to Shane Hollander means living in a constant state of this should not be allowed. @IlyaRoz81: Yes I saw the clip of him jawing at the ref. Yes I replayed it. Mind your business. @IlyaRoz81: People ask how I stay disciplined during the season. Simple. I am motivated by desire and legally binding commitment. @IlyaRoz81: The NHL is lucky I have self-control.

Instagram — @IlyaRoz81 Post 1 Photo: Shane leaning over the boards, sweat dripping, eyes dark, mouthguard half out. Caption: That’s my husband. I’m supposed to just go to sleep after this? Post 2 Photo: Shane in the locker room mirror, shirtless from the waist up, towel slung low, looking directly into the camera Caption: You ever look at someone and think, “Yeah. I’d ruin my own life for you again.” Post 3 Photo: Extremely close-up shot—Shane’s neck, jawline, stubble, a visible bruise Caption: I’m obsessed. Next question. Post 4 Photo: Shane straddling a chair backwards in the tunnel, elbows resting on the back, staring straight into the lens Caption: I trust this man with my heart, my career, and my self-control (bad choice). Post 5 Photo: Blurry action shot of Shane slamming into the boards during a hit Caption: Violence but make it attractive. Post 6 Photo: Shane postgame, suit jacket open, tie loose, knuckles taped Caption: I am looking disrespectfully.

@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer (replying to @IlyaRoz81): You are the reason I get penalized for “excessive aggression.” @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Everyone else hears skates on ice. I hear you yelling my name from the tunnel. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Ilya Rosanov posts one picture and suddenly I’m supposed to behave? Unreal expectations. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: I play better when he’s watching and that’s not a coincidence. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Yes that’s my husband tweeting like that. No I will not be stopping him. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: If loving him loudly is a distraction then cancel the season. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer (quote-tweeting the locker room photo): You should see the look he gives me after the lights go out.

Reply to Ilya’s “mouthguard half out” photo @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: You took this on purpose and you know it.

Reply to the mirror/towel photo @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: I was trying to get dressed. You were being a menace.

Reply to “I am looking disrespectfully.” @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Good. I noticed.

@CenterIceChaos: THEY’RE MARRIED MARRIED 😭😭😭 @HockeyBiPanic: I came here for goals and now I’m questioning everything. @BenchMinorEnergy: This is NOT how I expected to find out Shane Hollander is feral too. @PuckAndSwoon: The way they talk about each other should be illegal during a season. @NeutralZoneNerves: Ilya posting like he’s trying to get fined and Shane ENCOURAGING IT?? @StickTapeAndTears: Straight men watching hockey rn: “Is it supposed to feel like this?” @GoalHornGay: They play like that and THEN go home together?? The league is unbalanced. @PenaltyBoxPoet: This is not a relationship. This is a PR nightmare and I support it. @BruisedButBlessed: Shane replying “Good. I noticed.” just altered my brain chemistry. @CentaursStanAcct: Ilya 🤝 Shane Oversharing. Winning. Thriving. @ArenaCamGuy: Please stop making my job impossible. I can’t zoom in respectfully anymore. @MarriedMenMenace: If my future marriage isn’t like this I don’t want it.

@IlyaRoz81 I am married to a man who knows exactly what he’s doing in those locker room photos and still acts surprised when I don’t sleep. @IlyaRoz81 If you think I’m intense on the ice, you should see me when Shane loosens his tie. @IlyaRoz81 Every time he leans over the boards like that I lose my higher reasoning skills. @IlyaRoz81 My love language is watching my husband make grown men nervous. @IlyaRoz81 There are so many rules in hockey. None of them apply once we get home. @IlyaRoz81 I support my husband’s conditioning program. Very hands-on. Extremely dedicated. @IlyaRoz81 If he keeps looking at me like that on the bench I’m going to get fined for unsportsmanlike conduct after the game.

@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer You knew what you were doing posting that and you did it anyway. I respect the commitment. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Ilya Rosanov talks big online and then backs it up in private. Consistently. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer They say don’t bring your work home with you. I strongly disagree. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer If my husband is distracted during warmups that’s between him and my jawline. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer I play better knowing exactly who’s waiting for me when the door locks. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer People keep asking how I stay loose during the season. Mind your business. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer I saw his tweet. I’m not correcting the record.

@IlyaRoz81: You stretch like that on purpose. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: And you watch on purpose. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Behave tonight. @IlyaRoz81: No. @IlyaRoz81: Tell me again to “focus on the game” in that tone. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: After.

@BenchMinorMeltdown: THIS IS A WORKPLACE??? @HockeyHRDept: Logging off. Immediately. @IceColdBiPanic: I did not consent to this level of tension. @NeutralZoneUnwell: Every reply is worse than the last. Please continue. @GoalHornGay: They flirt like they’re trying to get the app shut down. @CentaursPR: Hey guys quick question what the hell @StickAndSwoon: I just wanted a line combo update and now I’m blushing. @PenaltyBoxPoet: This is not hockey Twitter anymore. This is something else. @MarriedMenMenace: They are married and still acting like this??? Inspirational. @ArenaCamGuy: I am never zooming in again. I’ve learned my lesson.

“Centaurs Locker Room” Group Chat

Hayes: I just opened twitter. Haas: Same. Regret immediately. Young: WHY are they flirting like that on main. Boodram: “Behave tonight”???? BRO??? Dillan: This is a workplace. Chouinard: Is it though. Hayes: I’m begging them to remember we have a media policy. Haas: I’m begging them to remember I follow them. Young: I’m begging them to stop replying to EACH OTHER. Boodram: Shane just tweeted “After.” AFTER WHAT. Dillan: I don’t want to know. Chouinard: I do. Hayes: Centaurs PR just emailed me “are you seeing this?” Young: Tell them no. Haas: Tell them we’re illiterate. Boodram: The fans are eating it up btw. Chouinard: Yeah because they’re UNHINGED. Dillan: We’re never getting a wholesome team feature again. Young: Reminder that we have a game tomorrow. Haas: Reminder that THEY are the reason we win games. Hayes: Fair but I don’t need to picture it. Boodram: Too late. Already pictured it. Horrible. Five stars. Hayes: Ilya just liked a tweet that says “this should be illegal.” Chouinard: They’re flirting via likes now??? Dillan: Do you think the league can fine someone for vibes. Young: If so they’re bankrupting the team. Haas: Shane just walked past me in the hallway smiling like that. Hayes: Like WHAT. Haas: Like he knows something we don’t. Boodram: I hate that sentence. Chouinard: Prediction: They delete nothing. PR panics. We win anyway. Young: Unfortunately correct. Hayes: If a reporter asks me about their tweets I’m saying “no comment” and walking away. Dillan: If a reporter asks me I’m pretending to be a goalie. Boodram: Update: Shane just posted again. Young: STOP TYPING. Haas: I’m opening it. Hayes: Don’t. Haas: Oh my god. Chouinard: Yeah okay. I’m muting both of them until playoffs. Boodram: Same. Love wins. But at what cost.

Chapter 2

Instagram — @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Reply to Ilya’s tunnel stare photo @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: You posted this knowing I’d be distracted for the rest of the night. Successful strategy. Reply to bench photo (mouthguard half out) @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: If you’re staring this hard during games, I need to start charging rent. Reply to suit jacket / loose tie photo @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: I loosened the tie. You’re the one who lost focus. Reply to neck/jawline close-up @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: You always notice that spot first. Reply to blurry mirror photo @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: You took this and still expect me to behave afterward? Reply to practice stretch @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: I stretch like this because I know you’re watching. Let’s not lie to ourselves. Reply to locker-room towel photo @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: I told you not to post this. You smiled and did it anyway. Shane Reposts to His Own Story Repost of Ilya’s “parental advisory” caption Text overlay: “He married me knowing exactly how I look after games.” Repost of the blurry mirror photo Text overlay: “If this made you uncomfortable, imagine how it makes him.” Black screen, late-night energy Text: “Ilya should not be allowed access to a camera after 10pm.”

@IlyaRoz81 (commenting): You could’ve stopped me. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer (replying): I absolutely did not want to. @IlyaRoz81: You’re enjoying this. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: Immensely. @IlyaRoz81: Behave. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer: No. @IceColdBiPanic: THIS SHOULD BE ON CLOSE FRIENDS. @HockeyHRDept: I am once again asking you to log off. @BenchMinorEnergy: The mutual encouragement is what’s killing me. @MarriedMenMenace: THEY’RE FLIRTING LIKE THIS PUBLICLY??? @CentaursPR: Shane. Ilya. Please. @GoalHornGay: Every reply is worse. I’m obsessed.

@IlyaRoz81 Photo: Shane leaning back on the locker-room bench, legs spread, elbows on knees, eyes lifted straight at the camera Caption: I asked him to look at me like this again. He did. I stopped thinking entirely.

@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer You always ask like it’s a challenge. I never disappoint. @IceColdBiPanic: I just threw my phone across the room??? @BenchMinorEnergy: THIS IS NOT FLIRTING THIS IS A THREAT @StraightMenConfused: Guys is hockey supposed to feel like this

@IlyaRoz81 Story: slow zoom on Shane adjusting his waistband before stepping into the tunnel Text overlay: This man knows exactly what he’s doing to me and does it anyway. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer I do it because you watch like that.

@GoalHornGay: THE REPOST??? JAIL. IMMEDIATELY. @HockeyHRDept: I am begging you both to remember this is a sport.

@IlyaRoz81 — 12:02 AM Photo: blurry mirror shot, Shane behind him, chin near Ilya’s shoulder, hands low on his hips Caption: If this ends up in a group chat, that’s on all of you. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer — Comment You promised you wouldn’t post this. I watched you do it anyway.

@MarriedMenMenace: THIS IS FORESHADOWING SOMETHING I DON’T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT @NeutralZoneUnwell: I’m shaking like I just watched a horror movie @CentaursStanAcct: DELETE THIS (don’t delete this)

@IlyaRoz81 Story, black screen Text: He just smiled at me from across the room. I’m done for.

@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer You always are.

@IceLevelSeats: This feels illegal to witness in real time @PenaltyBoxPoet: This isn’t thirst this is devotion with no supervision

@IlyaRoz81 Photo: Shane postgame, suit jacket gone, shirt open one button too far, tie hanging loose in his hand Caption: He looks like this and expects me to behave in public. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer You’ve never behaved a day in your life. Why start now. @IceColdBiPanic: I JUST SCREAMED INTO A PILLOW @BenchMinorMeltdown: THEY’RE EGGSHELLING THE LINE AND LAUGHING @CentaursPR: Please check your email Please Please

@IlyaRoz81 Photo: close-up of Shane’s jaw, thumb hooked casually under his collar Caption: Marrying him did not make this easier. It made it worse. @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer You knew exactly what you were signing up for. And you still said yes.

@GoalHornGay: This is not flirting. This is a shared mental illness. @HockeyBiPanic: I’m never recovering from this @NeutralZoneEnjoyer: I just wanted a score update??? @MarriedMenMenace: This is what happens when two hot people love each other without shame @StickAndSwoon: I’m deleting the app (lying)

Please drop by the Archive and comment to let the creator know if you enjoyed their work!