Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Kip Grady/Scott Hunter, Scott Hunter & Ilya Rozanov, Kip Grady & Shane Hollander & Scott Hunter & Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander, Scott Hunter (Game Changers), Kip Grady, Yuna Hollander, David Hollander

Additional Tags:

Near Drowning, Accidental Death, Temporary Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Mild Sexual Content, Blow Jobs, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Depressed Ilya Rozanov, Medical Inaccuracies, no beta we die like ilya's dad, Fluff and Angst

Language:

English

Series:

Part 5 of Seasoned Gay to the Rescue

Stats:

Published: 2026-05-22 Words: 7,636 Chapters: 1/1

Ruined Everything

Summary

It was supposed to be a good day. Ilya loves his boyfriend. He loves hanging out with David and Yuna. Scott and Kip were in Ottawa for a visit. And Ilya knows he’s supposed to be happy but… he can’t. He feels like he’s drowning in tar.

Notes

Original Request from arialuie07: "Ilya spiral and his trauma resurfaced but with Shane, Shane’s parents, Kip and Scott present to help him."

This takes place between Heated Rivalry & The Long Game, the summer after Ilya moves to Ottawa. In this, he hasn’t yet joined the Centaurs. Sequel to (Not) Like My Mother. However, you don’t need to read that to read this one.

Yeah, also this got real angsty real fast. My bad 🥴 Enjoy?

Ilya wakes up in a terrible fucking mood and it’s not fucking fair. His head is filled with cement, and his body is so heavy he feels like he weighs an additional 300lbs. His skin feels sticker than it should and his hands don’t want to work correctly. Even breathing feels like a chore.

It all fucking sucks.

Being in Ottawa is supposed to fix this. He has a therapist (Shane does too), he’s on anti-depressants, he hasn’t had the need to slice open his skin in over a year, he’s about to join a new team and only be two hours away from Shane, he has more friends than he ever thought was possible, and two parents who love him so much. Instead, all he wants to do right now is lie in bed until everything stops.

But he can’t. Because they’re having a party. He and Shane are hosting a small party today. Scott and Kip have flown in from New York and they’re staying in the guest room on the bottom floor, and Yuna and David are coming over later.

Ilya notices that Shane’s side of the bed is empty; no doubt having already gone for his morning run. He can smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen. It’s bacon and eggs, and he hears the blender going so someone has made smoothies. He hopes it’s Kip and not Shane making one of his nasty green ones. Well, he might as well get up now.

Fuck, he didn’t want to be standing. It felt like he was fighting a current when he walked to the bathroom to start getting ready. The shower sort of helped and made him feel less sticky, but the weight remained. He knew it was the prospect of having to fucking socialize. He loved his friends, he loved Shane’s parents, but… sometimes it was a lot. Sometimes, he just wanted Shane and quiet.

Ilya makes his way down into the kitchen, putting on his “Ilya” mask. The one that hid how fucked up he really felt.

“Good morning,” He greets wrapping his arms around Shane’s waist to kiss him.

“Hi Sleepy Head,” Shane grins in between kisses.

Ilya knows Shane didn’t mean ‘sleepy head’ in a negative way, he calls Ilya ‘sleepy head’ all the time. But for today, it hit harder. It felt close to the way his father would scream at him for being lazy. Lazy, which with Galina’s help, he’d come to realize was when he was in a depressive episode. One that his father clearly didn’t recognize, or he did and was trying to condition Ilya into being “happy” in hopes that it would “fix him”.

Shane, completely oblivious of the pit in his stomach, continues, “I made you a smoothie.”

Ilya’s eyes cast down to the blender sporting a strange brown sludge. “That is poison. Why is it brown?”

Kip barks a laugh and Scott sips his own cup of sludge. Ilya very pointedly notices that the levels in Scott’s smoothie cup are not decreasing.

“It’s healthy!” Shane argues back, “And I added strawberries. You like strawberries.”

“I like smoothies that don’t have kale or spinach in them.” Ilya retorts. 

“You can’t even taste it,” Shane slides the cup to him.

Scott and Kip both wince with disagreement.

“See!” Ilya points at them, “They agree with me! There’s no amount of other stuff you can put in a smoothie that cancels out the green shit.”

“Just try it!” Shane insists, “It’s good!”

Ilya shakes his head, “That is also brown. It looks like mud!”

“Scott is drinking it,” Shane points at the Admirals captain.

“Is he?” Ilya narrows his eyes at Scott’s still full glass even though he keeps taking sips. “I think he is faking. Look, glass is still full.”

“Oh come on!” Scott basically confirms that’s what he’s doing.

“What the hell!?” Shane groans., “It’s not that bad!”

“Shane, solnyshko, Hunter is already nine hundred years old, you will kill him.”

“Fuck you Rozanov,” Scott playfully hits back.

“Hush now,” Ilya waves a hand at him, “I am trying to make point here.”

“Drink it,” Shane growls, “Or no blowjobs.”

Kip gasps dramatically and laughs while Scott gently pushes his own glass away; clearly no longer needing to pretend that he’s been drinking it.

Ilya, making full eye contact and never one to back down from a challenge, grabs the glass and in one breath chugs the whole thing. It’s bad. His eyes water and he wants to vomit.

“Fu-fucking hell, Ilya!” Scott chokes and Kip doubles over, having to hold onto Scott for support.

Ilya slams the cup down and grabs Shane’s wrist pulling him towards the bedroom. “I drank your gross smoothie, I want blowjob as reward.”

“Ilya wait,” Shane laughs but his face is bright red with embarrassment, “Wait-! Scott–?”

Scott just waves, “See you in a few hours, Hollander!”

“No!” Shane groans, “We have a schedule!”

By this point, Ilya has learned that sex and blowjobs are very decent distractions. If only his fucking anti-depressants didn’t kill his damn sex drive. While he couldn’t get hard sometimes, Shane certainly could. And blowing Shane was just as satisfying. Plus, he could hide the fact that he wasn’t hard.

“Ilya, Ilya, wait a second,” Shane complains but isn’t going against him or actively trying to get away. “We have guests!”

“They can put on music,” Ilya pulls Shane into their bedroom. “I can make you come fast too.” He kisses Shane relishing in the moans, pushing him against the closed door.

“Fuck, Ilya, we have a schedule-”

“Mmm, yes. Your schedule. My schedule tells me I need to get on my knees and suck you off.” Ilya grins and drops to his knees pulling Shane’s pants down to his knees. He wastes no time in swallowing Shane to the hilt.

Shane gasps, doubling over Ilya, both hands covering his mouth. Ilya bats Shane’s hands away, redirecting them to grab his curls. He hums with delight hearing Shane whimper and try to keep his noises to a minimum.

Ilya bobs his head, running his tongue over the slit of his cock. Pre-cum spills into his mouth and Ilya swallows hard. Shane is a much more preferable taste than that fucking smoothie.

“Fu-fuck!” Shane’s grip in his hair gets tighter, “Ilya, I’m gonna- fuck!”

Ilya deep throats him, moaning when Shane comes down his throat. He swallows and continues to suck until Shane is whimpering with overstimulation. Finally, he pulls off with a pop and Shane gasps. He looks up at Shane grinning.

Shane pulls him up, crashing their lips together. Ilya’s lips are slick with spit and cum, and Shane is devouring him. They pull away and Shane goes to return the favor but Ilya stops him.

“I’m good,” he says.

Shane frowns, “What do you mean? You don’t want me to blow you?” And he’s got those damn watery puppy dog eyes.

“I can’t get hard right now,” Ilya admits miserably. Fuck, and now he’s more than miserable. He can’t fucking get it up and satisfy his boyfriend. Shane must think he’s so pathetic. Dammit, now he feels like fucking crying too.

“Ilya?” Shane’s voice is so soft, “Baby, what’s going on?”

Ilya shuts his eyes and then fucking lies. He hunches over a little and holds his stomach, “I don’t feel good. Too much smoothie too fast.”

Shane sighs, “Ilya there’s no way that-”

Fortunately, and unfortunately, the smoothie decides it does, in fact, want to come back up. He clamps a hand over his mouth and just barely makes it to the toilet. Shane babbles a thousand apologies while rubbing Ilya’s back.

“Fuck! I didn’t think it was that bad! Ilya, I’m so sorry!”

“Is fine,” Ilya groans, flushing and spitting bile into the toilet. “Was just a lot.” He looks up at Shane and smirks, “Gimmie kiss.”

“Ew, Ilya no. You just puked.”

“So you don’t love me?” Ilya pouts.

Shane rolls his eyes and leans forward to give him a kiss.

Ilya laughs and pulls back. “Wow! You were going to kiss my puke mouth!”

“Yes asshole!” Shane swats him, “Don’t doubt how much I love you!”

Ilya smiles at him like the lovesick fool he is. “Okay Mr. Schedule. I will brush teeth, you will have Kip make smoothie that is not poison and we will eat, yes? I will need more than your cum for breakfast.”

He laughs when Shane’s face goes bright red.

“That was fast,” Scott comments with a snort watching Shane walk back into the kitchen.

Shane mumbles something under his breath.

“What?”

“I said,” Shane’s face goes red grabbing the sludge smoothie and dumping it, “I accidentally poisoned Ilya. He’s… throwing up.”

“He’s not just being dramatic?” Scott asks incredulously.

Shane shakes his head, “He doesn’t usually throw up after-” He cuts himself off fast before he can reveal too much.

“After?” Kip asks knowing exactly what he’s going to say.

Shane clears his throat and mumbles, “After swallowing my cum.”

“Come on man!” Scott groans.

“Babe,” Kip laughs, “Ilya was definitely going to say something anyway. The information was unavoidable.”

A few seconds after, Ilya comes back out looking a little more refreshed. “Lyubov moya, did you ask Kip to redo the smoothies yet?”

Shane sighs and looks to Kip, “Can you please remake the smoothies?”

“Without kale or anything green!” Ilya hastens to add.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Shane grumbles after Kip agrees to remake the smoothies.

Ilya hums and takes Shane into his arms, pressing his chest into Shane’s back. “Say that to my stomach.”

Shane lets out another mutter of displeasure but leans into Ilya anyway. “I said I was sorry. I didn’t know you’d react like that. Also, you chugged it!”

“You hold blowjobs hostage,” Ilya buries his face in Shane’s neck, “Not fair.”

“You both are disgustingly sweet.” Scott sighs watching them. He has to admit, being here for the summer felt really nice. They’d come over for a bye week and Scott found himself craving more of it. It was great to spend time away from everything and just hang out with his boys. Kip has laughed at him for that one and teased him relentlessly. It was one slip up.

He watches Kip make the (infinitely better) smoothies and listens to Shane go over their schedule for the day. It mostly consisted of party prep, which meant making sure all the coolers had ice, making sure the propane was filled, and coordinating with Yuna and David so they didn’t show up with duplicates of food or drinks of anything they had.

But Scott’s attention turns a little sharper with Ilya. He noticed earlier that his smile wasn’t quite as big. His movements seemed a little stiffer and slower. He clung to Shane like a lifeline (he did this frequently anyway, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary) but it felt… different somehow. He couldn’t place a finger on it. He’d gotten used to figuring out Ilya’s tells and subtle changes in the Russian’s mannerisms. After all, Scott had been there at Ilya’s worst and could see just how destructive he could be.

But today… Scott had the strangest feeling that something was going to go wrong.

-

“Ilya!” Shane calls from inside the house, “Can you help move the chairs to the dock? I want to make room for the spares we have in storage! And my mom is bringing the new summer cushions!”

“Da!” Ilya calls putting away the last of the “spring” cushions. He never understood Shane’s desire to change patio upholstery whenever there was a new season. But he indulged because it made his boyfriend happy.

“Hang on,” Scott came jogging up, “I can help.”

“Are you sure?” Ilya asks, grabbing one of the chairs, “You have brittle bones, might not be able to hold chair.”

“Ha ha, so funny.” Scott groans and rolls his eyes.

Ilya just laughs hoisting the chair and bringing it down to the dock. He makes sure to position it in a way that’s “Shane approved” with “optimal sun glow” or whatever.

Scott waits until they’re about to head back up the hill to grab the rest. “Hey kid,” Scott places a hand on Ilya’s arm, “Can we talk?”

He stops walking and frowns at Scott, “You are talking to me now.”

“No, I mean.” Scott takes a second to assess. Ilya looks like he’s about to panic. “Ilya, I’ve been having this feeling all day that something is off.”

Ilya shifts nervously. Had Scott been able to tell that he’d been feeling down since he woke up? He’s gotten good at hiding when he needs to and today is one of those “need to” days. He feels a little bit guilty about it, but after today it’ll be fine. He can be sad tomorrow when he doesn’t have obligations. Today is supposed to be the family barbecue. He’d been looking forward to it. He’s supposed to want today.

“What do you mean?” Ilya ventures to ask, hoping to feel out what Scott means. His skin is starting to itch in a way he doesn’t like.

Scott reaches out and takes Ilya’s hand. “If there’s something going on with you, we can talk, right?”

There’s something in the way he says it that makes Ilya want to break immediately. Ever since Scott found out about his less than ideal coping strategy (i.e. taking a razor to his legs), Ilya had slowly come to trust him. He reached out when he needed help or just someone to make him feel less lonely. Kip did the same, so did Shane.

But… not today. Today is a day for smiling with his friends. So Ilya lies. “For the greater good,” he convinces himself. “I will not fuck up today with my stupid sadness.”

“I mean,” Ilya shrugs, “I slept wrong? So my neck is all fucked?” He laughs, “Can still give amazing head-”

“Okay,” Scott sighs and thankfully he believes Ilya. “Just- you’d tell me. Or someone, right?”

Ilya nods, feeling his mouth go dry. “Da.”

Scott nods, “Let's get the rest of those chairs then.”

“We come bearing gifts!” David announces holding up a large covered bowl, “My famous pasta salad!”

“And some nice pastries from that nice Russian bakery,” Yuna adds with a smile. “Ilya, I got you some Trubochki because I remembered how much you said you liked them.”

Ilya breaks out into a smile, a genuine one, because Yuna knows his heart. But with the smile comes the guilt. He knows the bakery is an hour away and he knows they’re fresh. Which means she went out of her way to drive and pick up the pastries, for him. It’s a guilt that comes with knowing he’s not worth all the effort.

“Ah you are the best!” Ilya takes the box from Yuna and hugs her.

“Hi sweetheart,” Yuna hugs him back. David sets his pasta bowl down, intercepting Ilya for a hug.

“Did you bring the-?” Shane asks coming from the house.

“Yes, the cushions,” Yuna nods and holds up a large bag. “Here you go.”

Shane grins and hugs her while taking the bag, “Thanks mom.”

Ilya helps them change the cushions, grab food and start the grill, before David suggests swimming. And soon after, everyone is in bathing suits.

The sun shimmers on the water’s surface and Ilya’s eyes cast out towards it. He fucking loves swimming in the lake. It’s his favorite activity. He remembers the first time he swam in the lake with Shane. How utterly free he’d felt. He sighs softly remembering all the love he’d gained just by being there. That day had forced them from the closet but in return, Ilya got this.

“Come on mom!” Shane tries to wave her in the water, “It’s actually really nice today!”

“I’m sure it is,” Yuna smiles, and sips her wine. “But I am quite happy to stay dry today.”

“Not too dry to deny your husband a kiss?” David asks climbing out of the lake and wrapping himself in a towel. Yuna smiles and offers her cheek.

Ilya floats on his back, his eyes closed trying to soak in the sun.  He loves floating in the lake, doesn’t he? He’s supposed to love this because it’s his favorite thing to do. The sun is warm, the water is cold, and he is… he feels nothing but the heaviness of his fucking depression. He needs to do something about that.

“Hunter!” Ilya swims towards the dock, stopping to kiss Shane on the cheek. “How are you and water getting along?”

“It’s fine?” Scott asks, narrowing his eyes, “Why?”

Ilya gets out shaking his hair spraying water droplets everywhere. He shrugs, “I thought maybe this much water reminds you of Ice Age.”

Kip laughs, throwing his head back. Scott groans, “Babe, you have to stop laughing. It only makes it worse.”

“Eh,” Ilya grins. “I’ll tell you what. I will be nice if you can beat me at competition.”

Scott locks in, “What competition?” He swims to the dock pulling himself out. Kip and Shane follow suit, already eager to hear what this will be. David pulls out his iPad to record and Yuna smiles, lounging comfortably in her chair.

Ilya points to the lake, “Whoever jumps farthest and has biggest splash wins.”

“What if it’s farther but a smaller splash?”

“No no, does not count.  Far and big only.”

“Wait, so we keep going until someone wins?” Scott asks.

Ilya pauses and then, “Yes.”

“Who judges?”

“Shane,” Ilya announced proudly.

“Um no,” Scott shakes his head, “Shane will side with you,”

Shane makes an offended sound, “I wouldn’t!” Yuna laughs at that.

“Kip will side with you,” Ilya points out.

Kip shrugs, “Fair enough.”

Everyone turns to look at David with his iPad. “Oh!” He says and grins, “I think maybe a group consensus? With video evidence!" There are nods all around. “Yuna can be the tiebreaker.”

Scott holds out his hand for Ilya to shake, “Deal.”

The pair line up on the docks, needing down to get a good running start. Both Kip and Shane bit their lips and shift ever so slightly to hide growing erection at the sight of their lovers’ wet asses.

“3… 2… 1… GO!” Yuna shouts!

Scott and Ilya bolt from the dock, nearly in sync as they launch themselves off with as much force as they can muster.

Ilya doesn’t see where Scott lands but he goes down into the water, tucking his body in to make the biggest splash possible. That little jump of energy was exactly what he’d needed. But as the water enveloped him, it fleeted.

He was alone in the dark, the water muting every sound. It felt like emptiness. He was utterly alone. Shane did not exist here. Sound and light did not exist here. Time slowed and Ilya felt nothing. There was no peace here, just the weight of sheer unbearable existence. He could just stay here, floating in this endless void and nothing would matter.

Ilya moves to kick himself back to the surface, but something tangles in his foot. He kicks, but doesn’t go anywhere. Looking down, he notices an old fishing net has wrapped itself around his ankle. If that wasn’t a sign, Ilya didn’t know what would be.

Stay here, the water beckoned, and held him in place. This is where you belong. Down here. Not up there.

And the water was right. He belonged in the dark, not in the light. Not where Shane was. Ilya was always bringing them down anyway. Even from the very first moment Scott has spotted his wrists. He’d been a huge burden on Scott. Ilya has entered his life and fucked it up by being so fucking troublesome. How many times had he inconvenienced Scott with his feelings? Because he was weak and couldn’t control his emotions.

And for the first time in his life, Ilya was mad at his mother. Because he’s tried so hard to not be like her and yet here he is… stuck under the surface and literally drowning in his depression. No, not his, hers. This horrible thing that she left him with.

He doesn’t want to be like her. She was so sad and she had no one.

Ilya doesn’t have no one. He has Shane.

Shane, with his beautiful fucking freckles and eyes that see him no matter fucked up get gets. Shane, who got him to stop smoking because he will never forgive Ilya if he gets lung cancer and dies. Shane, who with be fucking devastated if Ilya dies right here and now. Shane, who will probably kill himself to join him in the great beyond or whatever the fuck is out there.

And Ilya won’t do that to Shane.

He kicks at the fishing net, but it holds him tight, dragging him down. He’s a fucking athlete, he can do this. Ilya kicks again and reaches down to try and free himself.

FUCK!

His fingers get caught and now he’s folded in half. He struggles and panic overwhelms him. His lungs are screaming for air and his stupid instincts kick in. His chest involuntarily spasms and Ilya breathes in water. His lungs fill, pain exploding in his body. He kicks hard, trying to break free.

You wanted this, didn’t you? Well, now I’m here. The water mocks him.

Ilya has tempted Death one too many times and how it’s come to collect. He makes one last feeble attempt to break free as darkness overwhelms him.

Scott breaks the surface of the water laughing. He turns back to see where Ilya is but he hasn’t surfaced yet. He treads water waiting for Ilya to burst out of the water making some chirp about how he’s already won.

“Ilya?” Shane stands on the docks and shouts out towards them.

Scott turns to look and that feeling, that fucking sinking feeling he has is back.

Ilya hasn’t surfaced.

Scott swims down into the dark waters trying to locate where Ilya has gone. Part of him hopes that Ilya is down there with a smug expression, testing to see if Scott will panic.

At first he sees nothing, and then the paleness of Ilya’s skin catches his attention. He’s caught on something, trying to get free. He bursts to the surface screaming, “SHANE! HELP!”

Scott dives back down, making a break for Ilya, swimming as fast as he can.

Ilya is struggling hard, his foot and hand are entangled in something. He watches in horror as a mass of bubbles escape Ilya’s mouth and suddenly he stops moving entirely.

Panic overtakes Scott as he reaches Ilya’s limp body. He yanks at the net doing his best to untangle him. Shane is by his side within seconds, helping to rip him free of the ropes. They’re scrambling, uncoordinated in their own panic. But they manage it, slicing open their own hands, blood spilling into the water.

Ilya’s hand comes out first and then his foot. As fast as they can, Scott helps Shane drag Ilya up to the surface. His head flops backwards, mouth slightly open, eyes closed. Scott knew it was irrational to think that exposing his face to the air would automatically bring him back, but he’d hope anyway.

There’s screaming from the dock, Kip and David are wading out to meet them. Scott is watching Shane’s world fall apart. Ilya’s body is so fucking heavy. He’s not breathing and the water makes his skin fucking cold. 

Together they haul and lay Ilya on the dock; Scott immediately starts CPR. Thank fuck he’s certified, or else this could be a disaster. Ilya’s body just moves along with Scott’s compressions, entirely unresponsive. He vaguely hears Yuna saying that an ambulance is on its way, and Shane sobbing uncontrollably.

“Come on you fucker,” Scott hears his own voice cracking, “You asshole. Don’t fucking do this. Don’t fucking do this to us!” Blood from the cuts in his hand smears all over Ilya’s chest, tainting his pale skin.

He pinches Ilya’s nose and administers a rescue breath. FUCK. Nothing. He keeps going, more compressions, more breaths. He doesn’t even know how long he does it for.

“Ilya,” Scott keeps going, “I swear to fuck I’m never going to forgive you if you leave us like this. Don’t do this to Shane!”

He closes his lips around Ilya’s once again and breathes, trying to bring life back into him. Scott has the hysterical thought that Ilya would hate that their lips are touching. Fuck, the only one who should be touching lips with Ilya is Shane. And not like this. Ilya should be alive, winning their stupid fucking competition and kissing his boyfriend and chirping Scott for being old even though they’re only three years apart.

“You fucking bastard,” Scott starts another set of compressions, “Ilya, fuck don’t leave the people who love you!”

“Kuh-Hhrkk!” Ilya’s chest heaves and water expels from his mouth. His body convulses as he continues to spit up dirty lake water. He coughs violently, each breath sounding sharp and wet.

Scott falls forward, getting Ilya on his side to help encourage the water to leave his body. Shane grabs Ilya, sobbing loudly.

“Down here!” Yuna, at some point, had run up to the house to wait for the ambulance. They come rushing down to attend to Ilya.

Scott grabs Shane, forcibly moving him away from Ilya as the EMTs start working on him. Everything turns into wet blurs of noise. Scott can’t stop his heart from wanting to race out of his chest. He anchors Shane, while he screams and cries for Ilya. Everything is spinning.

Scott had acted on instinct to save Ilya, but now can’t get the images out of his head. The way Ilya had tried so desperately to free himself but couldn’t. The flash of absolute fear he saw as the air in his lungs was replaced with water. The way his body just went limp because he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. It’s a sight that he knows none of them will ever forget.

-

Ilya wakes up with burning lungs and a cold body. “I thought Hell was supposed to be hot,” he thinks when he opens his eyes. But then, he’s looking at something white to so… he’s in Heaven? That thought makes him laugh. Heaven isn’t supposed to hurt. Fuck, does he even deserve an afterlife at all? Either way, the fucking smell of antiseptic makes Ilya realize that he’s alive.

Holy fuck he’s alive!

“Ilya?”

Shane.

His Shane is here.

Ilya turns his head, and the love of his life is holding his hand. Shane’s eyes are red rimmed, big and wet with tear stains blotting his cheeks.

“Lyubov moya,” Ilya rasps. His throat hurts and he doesn’t care. He’s alive. The emotions burst like a damn, and the tears come fast and hard.

Shane wraps him up in his arms, cradling his head, sobbing into his hair, and rocking them together. “I love you,” Shane cries on repeat, “I love you, Ilya.”

“I’m sorry,” Ilya clings to Shane, never wanting to let go. He’d been so fucking scared that he’d never get to do this again. Shane is his everything. “I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to die.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Shane covers him in kisses, “Ilya, I know you didn’t want to die.”

They sit and cry for a while, and Shane ends up in the bed with Ilya. Neither letting go of the other both in fear and the overwhelming relief of having the other safe and alive.

It’s then that Ilya notices that Shane’s hand is bandaged. “You’re hurt!”

Shane shakes his head, “I’m okay. I’m fine. This is nothing.”

“What happened?” Ilya demands. “How are you hurt!?”

“Getting you free,” Shane whispers. “When you didn’t come up, Scott dove down to find you. I didn’t know what was happening until he was screaming for me to help. You-” Shane takes a shuddering breath, “You were caught on a net or something. I saw you just… floating there. I fucking…” Shane delves back into sobs clinging to Ilya. He shuts his eyes, more tears leaking out. His voice cracks, heavy and thick with a different type of grief, “You scared me so much.”

Ilya buries his face in Shane’s hair, letting his own tears fall. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to happen.”

“You died, Ilya.”

The words pierce Ilya’s heart.

He’d died? His heart stopped? He was gone?

“I died?” He’s fucking horrified. He didn’t… he didn’t know that. He hadn’t felt anything.

“Kip says it was a little less than a minute,” Shane sniffles, “But it was a minute too long.”

Ilya’s heart is beating too fast. Can Shane hear it?

“Scott saved you,” Shane continues, “He performed CPR.”

He doesn’t want to focus on the fact that he became his mother. He’d died just like she had. “Did he kiss me?” Ilya asks, trying to lighten the mood. 

It’s the wrong thing to say because Shane’s sobs get louder. Fuck.

“It’s not kissing!” Shane blubbers, “It’s mouth to mouth resuscitation!”

It’s an apt metaphor, Ilya thinks, for how he and Scott became friends. Real friends. How he’d literally saved Ilya’s life multiple times. How he keeps saving him over and over again.

“I thought… Ilya you’re my whole world. I thought I’d die too. I don’t want to live this life without you in it.”

Ilya feels himself freezing. He grows cold and stiffens in Shane’s embrace. “I don’t want to live this life without you in it.” Ilya didn’t like how that sounded. It sounded too much like what he feared. Would Shane… he wouldn’t, right? That’s not Shane. Shane would never kill himself.

“Shane,” Ilya can’t stop the wave in his voice. “What do you mean?”

“I said what I mean,” Shane tilts his head up to meet Ilya’s own wet eyes. “You’re my world. If you die, I die.”

Ilya shakes his head, “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do.” And Ilya knows he’s serious. “Ilya, you are everything to me. If you die, I’m going with you.”

“Fuck you,” Ilya blurts out through his own tears, “You don’t get to fucking die just because-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Shane snaps holding Ilya so tightly, “Because you need to fucking understand something, Ilya. I would rather die than live a second on this earth without you. I already know what it feels like to live in a world where you aren’t part of it. And it killed me, Ilya. If you didn’t wake up, I would’ve thrown myself into that fucking lake just to be with you. I don’t ever want to experience that again. I never want to feel what it’s like to never breathe the same air as you. I fucking love you asshole, with every part of my soul. There isn’t a me without you. So don’t-” His voice cracks, “-don’t fucking make me walk in this life alone.”

Shane’s face is blurry and Ilya feels like the biggest piece of shit. He made Shane cry. He made him want to die. It’s all his fault. It’s his fault because he didn’t say anything. If he had maybe… maybe he’d be in bed right now. Maybe he’d be watching a movie. He’d feel like shit, but he would’ve made Shane cry.

“I’m sorry,” Ilya pulls Shane close to his face and kisses him, pushing all his apologies and love and regrets into it. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I- this is all my fault.”

Shane shakes his head, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to drown.”

“No,” Ilya rubs tears from both their eyes, “It is. Not the drowning, I didn’t mean that. I-”

There’s a knock at the door and a doctor comes in. “Oh! Mr. Rozanov, I’m so glad to see that you’re awake.” The doctor has a sympathetic look on her face. “I’m so sorry for what you went through, drowning is very traumatic.”

Ilya nods, rubbing his eyes. “Can I go home?”

The doctor nods, “You can in a few hours. We’d just like you to stay for a little longer just to make sure you’re alright. Do you mind if I go over your injuries?”

He shakes his head and the doctor nods.

“Well,” she says, “Based on our tests, you should be just fine. You swallowed quite a lot of lake water so we’ll be on the lookout for any signs of potential infection, although it’s highly unlikely. You have some lacerations on your wrists and ankle due to the debris you were tangled in. We’ve gone and bandaged those up, but they should heal in a few days. You will develop bruising on your sternum from the CPR but you have no fractures of broken ribs, so that is a very good sign. Just make sure to take it easy. No heavy lifting, nice deep breaths.”

“Okay,” Ilya nods.

“Do you have any questions for me?” Ilya shakes his head. “Alright, get some rest. I’ll be back in a few hours then to check up on you and then we can get you home.”

“Thank you doctor,” Shane says.

-

Yuna watches David jams his finger against the coffee vending machine waiting for it to dispense. His face is so neutral, so calm that it scares her.

She knows her husband better than anyone else in the world. She knows that when he goes silent, something is wrong. Yuna knows she copes with planning. Figuring out what the next steps are. She thrives on navigating the unknown, making it bend to her will. She could tamp down her emotions, forcing rational thought to the forefront of her mind.

When the ambulance came, she was ready with a plan. She would ride in the ambulance with Ilya, knowing she would be his best and most rational advocate. She’d answer the questions that needed to be answered. She was his mother and no one could stop her.

She made David take the car, pile everyone in and follow them. Shane and Scott needed stitches and antibiotics. Kip would stay with Scott, and David would stay with Shane. Her husband would do a good job of keeping Shane relatively calm while she stayed with Ilya.

It broke her fucking heart to see Ilya unconscious. He was her baby just as much as Shane was. He didn’t deserve the traumas and garbage he’d had to endure. If she’d known at the time how much his father was abusing him, Yuna knew she would’ve stepped in. Found some legal loophole or sponsored his stay. Boston Raiders be damned, she would’ve found a spot in her heart for the team that had her son.

As a hockey mom, Yuna knew there would be a time when she’d get the call that said her son was in the hospital. And she’d gotten it once, and it was the worst day of her life. She’d never forget the way her heart pounded and plans went out the window as she drove to the hospital. The memory of her baby lying in the hospital with a bruised face and fractured collarbone was a nightmare burned into her brain.

But seeing Ilya drown and die in front of her was not something Yuna had ever thought she’d experience. Her body felt like a stress ball ready to burst with the amount of pressure being exerted on her. Every part of her was screaming as a piece of her soul died with him. She wanted to crash to her knees and beg any deity to save him. Yuna pleaded with Irinia’s ghost not to take Ilya with her. Please don’t cut her baby’s life short. Let him stay.

Yuna feels the tears come before she can stop them. A sob rips from her mouth and her knees collapse under her weight. Luckily, she’s next to a chair so she doesn't end up on the floor. She buries her face in her hands and just cries.

Scott knows Ilya is alive, he does. But he can’t stop thinking about it. The way Ilya felt so lifeless in his arms was a pain so fucking unimaginable. It was by far in the top three worst experiences in his life. Fuck that, it was tied for first place with the death of his parents. But he hadn’t even seen his parents die, only their bodies at the funeral. And he was young enough to only have good memories of them. With Ilya… it was more complicated.

Ilya was the little brother he never had. The kid that he felt so fiercely protective of. He’d watched Ilya grow from a deeply wounded soul to someone who could communicate his feelings and ask for help. Ilya was someone that Scott loved like family. He’d drop everything to be there for Ilya, to protect him from the fucking world that always seemed to be out to get him.

The blood in Scott’s hands were his own, but they felt like Ilya’s. He’d watched the EMTs carry him away feeling nothing but a void in his chest and fear like a weighted blanket.

“Scott,” Kip’s voice was soft. “The doctor asked you a question.”

He blinks and stares at Kip. His husband’s gentle eyes are full of worry. Worry for Scott, worry for Ilya. He focuses his attention back to the doctor who was bandaging his hand. “Sorry, what?”

The man smiles kindly at him, “I was just asking if you were feeling any pain. Do the stitches feel too tight?"

“Uh, no they’re fine.” Scott replies blankly, “Thanks.”

The doctor nods his approval and wraps his hand in gauze talking about wound care but Scott is tuning out. It’s not until Kip speaks for him that he realizes that he’s spaced out.

“Babe,” Kip takes his arm, “Come on. The waiting room is that way.”

Scott just nods and follows his husband until they reach the waiting room. It’s mostly empty with a few people scattered. But they find a quiet corner and sit.

“Fuck,” Scott slouches down into his chair. “Fuck.”

“How are you?” Kip asks softly, taking his uninjured hand.

Scott laughs bitterly, “I’m not the one who literally died. I can’t stop fucking seeing him like that.”

Kip rubs Scott’s back, “Doesn’t matter. A trauma is still a trauma. I can’t stop seeing it either.”

“I should’ve pushed harder,” Scott whispers, dropping his head into his hands. “I had this feeling all fucking day that something bad was going to happen. I should’ve listened. I should’ve done something.”

Kip pulls him into a hug, “You can’t blame yourself for this. There’s no way you could’ve predicted that this was going to happen.”

Scott know Kip is right, but fuck it feels like he could’ve done something. “Doesn’t feel like that.”

“Scott. You saved his life. Do you know what I saw? I saw someone who is so fucking selfeless. You knew, did do something. You saw Ilya wasn’t surfacing and you acted. You found him like you always do, and you brought him back.”

“There they are!” Scott lifts his head to see Yuna and David rushing towards them. Yuna sweeps him up into a hug.

“How’s Ilya?” Kip asks.

“He’s going to be okay,” Yuna nods and sits with them. “He’s asleep still but Shane is with him now.”

David hands over coffees, “We’ll be here for a while, so I thought these would help.”

-

It’s well past midnight when they release Ilya from the hospital. David drives while Yuna sits in the front seats while Scott, Kip, Shane and Ilya pile in the back. Yuna announces that they’re going back to Shane’s cottage, David will make food from there everyone can decide what they’d like to do. The whole car is quiet, no one ready to speak or break the silence. It’s suffocating.

Ilya leans against Shane, their hands clasped together. He’s so fucking exhausted from the day and just wants to lie down. His stomach hurts and he wonders if it’s because he swallowed so much water or if it’s because he’s hungry. Both were probably the right answer.

He replays the moments under the water. How fine he’d felt at first, being okay to die. And then the sheer terror of what came after.

Ilya breaks the silence by crying. He can’t fucking help it anymore. Everything was too much for him to bear.

“Oh honey,” Yuna reaches backwards, twisting her torso to place her hand on top of Ilya’s and Shane’s.

“I’m sorry,” Ilya croaks. “I fucked everything up today.”

“No you didn’t.” Shane takes Ilya’s face into his hands.

He takes a deep breath. Time to come clean. “I was not in good headspace today. I didn’t feel good, I wanted to not be… social. I just wanted to stay in bed. This is my punishment for not speaking.”

“Oh… Ilya.” Shane whispers.

“I ruined everything by dying and you and Scott got hurt. And we were at the hospital for a long time and now the day is ruined. Was supposed to be good and fun and I fucked up.”

Kip frowns and leans forward pulling slightly away from Scott, “You’re so good at telling us when things aren’t good with you. So why didn’t you trust us today?”

Ilya frowns and wipes the remnants of tears. “I wanted to be normal today. I didn’t want to be sad.”

Kip nods, and then says gently, “I know. But we’d rather you be sad and be with us than have you bottling it all up.”

“I just feel guilty,” Ilya admits finally, “I feel like I am an inconvenience all the time. I rely on all of you too much. I want… I don’t want to need you.”

“Sweetheart,” Yuna squeezes his hand, “We want you to rely on us. That’s what family is for.”

Frustrated, Ilya switches to Russian. He needs to be understood. “I feel like I’m such a fucking inconvenience because you’re always having to save me. I’m so fucked up becasue I cut myself to feel better. I fucking have depression and the meds I’m on right now aren’t fucking working anymore. I wanted today to go well because I love spending time with everyone but my stupid emotions got in the way. I don’t want to be so dependent on all of you. I don’t want you to be the people I need just to survive. I want you to be the people I love and spend time with because you’re my fucking friends. And I don’t want you to see me like I’m something that needs to be fixed. I don’t want to be broken in front of you. It’s fucking exhausting.”

It’s not lost on Ilya that everyone else in the car except for Shane can’t understand him.

He takes a deep breath and continues. “Dying was an accident, I promise. But I can’t lie and say that I thought about it for a minute under the water. I thought it would be okay if I did die.”

Shane sucks in a harsh breath, his eyes watering again. “I don’t want you to think like that!”

“I don’t,” Ilya pushes back, insistent, “I changed my mind. But I changed it too late.”

“But you changed it?”

Ilya nods, “Yes. Because you changed my mind. I kept thinking about you. I didn’t want to leave you.”

“Ilya,” Shane leans forward and kisses him slowly and softly. His Russian is a little clunky, but he wants to make sure Ilya understands too. “For better or for worse, yes? That’s what they say? I’ve said it before. I’m with you. I love you, everything of you.”

“I know.”

“I’ll remind you all the time. Because I love you. Please don’t keep everything inside. I-” Shane takes a deep breath. “We were so scared when we saw you. I’ve never seen my mom and my dad look like that. Scott and Kip are upset too. Because we saw what it would be like with you gone. And we didn’t want that. You are loved. Very loved. So please don’t think that it’s okay to leave us. Please trust us.”

Ilya blinks away tears and scans the car. He focuses on Kip’s face, his pained expression, the light anger coming out with his frustrations. Scott, who looks like everything is about to fall apart. Yuna and David who have the concerned expressions of loving parents he wishes he had been given a long time ago. And then Shane. His Shane who has never stopped looking at him like he hung the damn stars and moon. He’s caused them so much hardship and grief. A pain he can’t even control. And they’re upset because of him.

“Do you know why everyone is upset? And not just because you died?” Shane asks after Ilya stays silent.

He shakes his head uncertainly.

“You keep trying to control something you don’t have control over. It’s okay to feel bad, even if you think it’s not okay. We want to help you. We want to be there for you. I want to be there with you. For all of it. Everything. I don’t want you to leave me because you think you can control it all.”

Shane presses his forehead to Ilya’s.

“I’m sorry,” Ilya mutters, switching back to English, “I should’ve trusted you. I won’t hide things again.”

“Please don’t keep it inside. Please don’t leave me again.”

Ilya wraps his arms tightly around Shane. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” And he means it.