Shane Hollander: Most Wanted

Unknown Number

Hi, this is Kenneth
I got your number from JJ
Hi?
This is Shane, right?
Yeah, why?
Oh good
I was wondering if you might want to have coffee sometime?
Coffee?
Yeah, you’re familiar with it?
Hot drink
Caffeine
I know what coffee is
But you want to get coffee?
Like together?
Yeah
I’m sorry if I’m overstepping in any way
No!
It’s just, JJ didn’t mention anything
Ah sorry
It’s okay
Let me start over
Hi, I'm Kenneth
I am 26 years old, live in Montreal and I am a personal trainer and one of JJ’s friends
And I would like to get coffee with you, Shane, hockey player, also living in Montreal and also one of JJ’s friends?
Oh ehm…

Lily

Hey
Hi Jane
(Unamused Face )
I had a question
Yes, I have new shampoo
What?
My hair
It looks good
You want to know why
I’m saying it’s new shampoo
What?
No!
I mean, yes it looks good, but that’s not the point!
I have a serious question
Fine
We can talk about my beautiful hair later
One of JJ’s friends just asked me to get coffee with him
His name is Kenneth
And this is a question, how?
Should I go?
If you want to
You would be okay with that?
Yes
It’s just coffee
Okay?
Wow
Maybe I will then
Only if you want
Fine
I have a day off on Thursday anyway
Fine
We will talk about my hair now?
I don’t think I’m up for it
Pleaaasee
I’ll talk to you tonight
Are you mad at me?
No
Yes
Maybe
Maybe?
I don’t know!
Okay?
Okay
Call me tonight?
Yeah…

Kenneth (JJ’s friend)

And I would like to get coffee with you, Shane, hockey player, also living in Montreal and also one of JJ’s friends?
Oh ehm…
You can think about it if you want?
No, it’s okay
I mean
I don’t know
You are single, yes?
JJ said you were
Oh
It’s complicated?
Ah sorry for intruding
Sorry
It’s okay man
Maybe next time, huh? 😉
I don’t think so
It’s serious then?
I thought so, yes
Could you maybe not tell JJ?
For sure!
Sorry again for intruding
I’m sorry
Text me if it’s not serious anymore 😉
Thanks?

Lily

How was coffee
What?
You said you were having coffee on Thursday
Was fun?
I didn’t
You didn’t have fun?
I didn’t have coffee!
Why
I don’t know
Did you not want to?
Did you want me to?
I'm asking you
You didn’t want to go?
And I’m asking you!
Did you want me to go?
No
You didn’t?
Seemed like you did when I texted you
I lied
Then what’s the problem?
No problem
Okay
Fine
Did you want to go?
Obviously not
Or I would have gone
Okay
Okay
Why?
You really have to ask me that, Ilya?
Maybe he was a very nice man?
And maybe you forgot
But I have a boyfriend??
Unless you don’t want to be
No!
I mean yes
I want to be your boyfriend
Then why do you want me to date other people?
I don’t want you to
Then why are we having this conversation?!
Because I thought maybe you would want to!
Well, I don’t!
Good
Good?
Yes, good
I don’t want you to
Good
And for the record, I don’t want you to date other people either
Why would I want to date someone else when I have you(Face Throwing A Kiss )
WHY WOULD I
Maybe he was nice!
Nicer than me maybe
You are nice
To me at least
Eh no
I am an asshole
You’re not
Take that back
No
I know what you are
I am not nice
Hmmm
You are
My boyfriend is also very sweet
Am not
Secretly a big softie
What is that?
’Big softie’
You
Explain to me
Figure it out yourself
You’re mean
Maybe I will find a nicer man
No, you won't, asshole
See, I am an asshole
Now you are, yes!
But you’re my asshole
I like your other asshole better
That one is mine
Fuck off
Tell me
I’m not telling you my asshole is yours
Fine
Tell me you’re mine
No
Fine
Then go on date with stupid Kevin
His name wasn’t even Kevin
He is not important enough to remember his name
If you keep acting like this maybe I will get coffee with ‘Kevin’
No you won’t
Cause you’re mine
Yes
Yes??
Yes
I’m yours!
Okay?
Good now?
Very good
Can I call you?
Why
You know
You can’t seriously be turned on by this!
I am always turned on when I am texting you(Smiling Face With Horns )
Ew
Mmm no I think you like that
I don’t
And I’m not even at home
(Crying Face )
Give me ten minutes
😊😊
Lily is calling Jane
Goodnight asshole
I love you very very much(Growing Heart )
Yeah, love you too
Not very much? (Crying Face )
I love you very very much(Growing Heart )
😊

Scott Hunter

Hi
This is Shane
Hollander
Hey man
What’s up?
I just wanted to say thanks again
For what?
Eh coming out I guess?
It really helped me
You're welcome!
Yeah
I might have heard some rumors already
But you came out to your team?
Oh okay news travels fast apparently
Yeah, I’m uh.. gay
Congrats man!
On coming out, not being gay
Thanks?
I mean, not not congrats on being gay
Wow, I’m surprisingly bad at this
If I didn’t know any better I would think you’re homophobic
Oh
Really?
What?
No!
Sorry I was joking
Which I am not good at according to certain people
I never said that to you, did I?
Oh no you didn’t
Don’t worry
So, that all you wanted to say?
Yeah I guess
Just thanks
And I kind of have a question?
Are you hitting on me?
What?
No!
Oh good
Cause, I have a boyfriend
I know?
It wasn’t very anonymous when you kissed him on the ice?
Sorry man, didn’t want to assume
So if you’re not asking me out, what is your question?
I was wondering how your team is?
How do they feel about you being gay I mean?
Depends on the day
But overall, they’re good
Your team isn’t?
I don’t know
They’re just processing I guess?
When did you come out?
About two months ago
That’s a long time to be processing?
I mean it is a big thing?
They feel a little betrayed
Why?
That I didn’t tell them sooner
But you’re still the same person
Not to them
Some said they didn’t feel like they ever knew me?
That’s bullshit
I mean I get it, it’s a big thing that I kept a secret…
But they were not entitled to that secret
I guess not
It’s not like you had a secret boyfriend like me
No…?
So what do they have to be angry about?
They’re not really angry
Just kind of ignoring me
Is that what last week was about?
What?
On the ice
Seemed like your team was missing a lot of plays
Might be
So they’re icing you out in the locker room, but also on the ice?
Not all of them
Fucking assholes
That’s bullshit you know
You’re still their captain
It might change
You said your team is mostly okay right?
Maybe it will just take some time
Yeah, but my team was never this shitty
Oh
I had a lot of teammates staring at me
Then asking questions
But nothing like that, man
Oh
You think it’s me then?
Maybe I shouldn’t have told them
Or differently maybe
This has nothing to do with you
It kind of has everything to do with me
You know what I mean
And there is no right or wrong way to tell something like this
I guess
I just hope it will change a little
Are you good?
Yeah, I’m fine
Do I need to beat someone up next game?
That’s what Rozanov said
But definitely don’t do that
I don’t think that will make it better
You told Rozanov?
What?
No!
He also heard rumors I suppose
He reached out?
Yeah
He reached out to me too
About me?
No, when I came out
Oh
That makes sense
He was surprisingly nice actually
Yeah, to me too
Still an asshole though
Haha yeah for sure
Oh, Kip is next to me, he says hi
Oh, hi Kip
You can tell me if your teammates are being assholes
Yeah
Maybe it will get better
Kip says he knows someone
Okay?
For you, I mean
If you’re interested
In what?
Going on a date?
Oh that
His friend is pretty nice
Not famous
Would be under the radar
I don’t think I’m interested
No offense Kip
I’m sure your friend is really nice 😊
He says no worries
You’re not looking to date at all then?
Or just not now
Not at all I guess
I mean, not ‘I guess’
Not at all
That’s fine, no pressure
Yeah!
No
Thanks
You're good!
Yeah, it’s just…
Remember what you said about having a secret boyfriend?
Well, not so secret anymore, his name is Kip
…
Wait
You?
Yeah
Really?
Who is it?
Can't tell you
He’s not really out
Fuck dude
That sucks
I mean, yeah
But we discussed it
It’s fine
How long?
Until he comes out?
I guess when we retire
*When I retire
Hmmm…
But I meant, how long have you been in a relationship?
Oh, sorry
Depends
Depends?
Are we talking exclusive or non-exclusive?
There are different answers?
Since when are you so curious?
Not me
Kip
Hi Shane, please tell me how long your relationship has been going on! x Kip
Non-exclusive about 7 years I think?
Exclusive since the summer
SEVEN YEARS?
And last summer?
Yeah
After your kiss on the ice
I told you it changed things
I didn’t think it would change this much?!
It did for me
Wow
You can't see this, but Kip is jumping up and down in excitement right now
Eh, good?
Yeah good
And congrats kid
On the relationship?
Yeah!
I mean, you’re happy right?
Yeah 😊
Good
Tell me if that changes
I will beat him up too, whoever he may be
Okay?
Thanks
You’re welcome
Don’t hesitate to text me about anything
Or if you need advice about things
I will
I mean, I won't hesitate
Thanks Hunter
And Kip
Call me Scott
Okay
Thanks Scott
Talk to you later
Bye Shane, keep us updated on your relationship!! x Kip
Bye

Lily

I texted Scott today
And he thought I was hitting on him?!
Hunter?
Yeah
(Face With Tears Of Joy )
It’s not funny!
It’s a little funny
No, it’s embarrassing
Were you hitting on him?
No?!
Why would you even ask that!
Maybe you think he is very attractive
Objectively maybe
So you think he is hot?
When have I ever said that!
You just said he is ‘objectively’ attractive!
Does not mean I am attracted to him!
Hmmm is suspicious
How do you even know what that means
I know things
I know you apparently like dinosaurs
I don’t like Scott Hunter!
Then why did you text him??
You literally know why I texted him, asshole
Mm
Fine
You’re not jealous, right?
No
Hunter has a boyfriend
Who you actually met in real life
Maybe he is a beard
That doesn’t even make sense
Beard so that he can date other hot hockey players
Like me?
Yes
I don’t even know why you would be jealous
He is gay
You are very hot
Makes sense he would want to date you
He doesn’t want to date me
Mm okay
He turned me down immediately
When he THOUGHT I was hitting on him
I wasn’t actually hitting on him
Okay
Ilya
Fine!
No reason to be jealous
I said fine
I wouldn’t want to date a dinosaur
Not when I have a very hot younger boyfriend
You are trying to seduce me
Maybe
It won't work
But you calling Hunter a dinosaur is very hot
Hmm
Maybe I will try to seduce Kip’s friend then
What is this?
Oh, nothing
You will tell me
Kip said he had a friend
Might be interested in me
You will tell him no
I did
But my boyfriend doesn’t want to be seduced by me(Crying Face )
Maybe I will try someone else…
You will not
I might
Okay it’s working!
What is?
You seducing me!
Done
It worked!
No need for stupid friend
I don’t know
Am not really convinced
You just sound jealous
I am not jealous
Sure(Face With Tears Of Joy )
I am not
I think you are
Don’t worry
This is all yours(Face Throwing A Kiss )
Yes, it is
My very sexy boyfriend(Smiling Face With Horns )
So, you won’t text Kip’s stupid friend?
Obviously not
I made it very clear that I had a boyfriend
You did?
Didn’t say it was you, but yeah
Is that bad?
No, is good
I want everyone to know you are mine
I’m only yours
And you’re mine
This is all yours, baby(Growing Heart )
(Smirking Face )
You have time to talk?
Call me in 5 minutes
No you call me
You’re annoying
You love me
Even though you’re a jealous asshole?
Especially then
So you admit you were jealous?
Never
Didn’t think so(Face With Tears Of Joy )
Jane is calling Lily

Unknown Number

Hi, this is Troy
Troy Barrett
I got your number from Roz
Thought he might have it
With the charity and everything
Hi?
Is there anything wrong?
What?
No, nothing wrong!
Oh, thank god
But then why are you texting me exactly?
You want the real reason or the reason I gave Roz?
You gave Ilya a different reason?
Well, yeah kinda
Then both I guess?
I told Roz that I wanted to ask some hockey tips
Which he wasn’t all that amused about to be honest
Let me guess
’You already have best hockey player here why do you need tips from second best?’
Word for word
Figures
So
Yeah?
Eh.. The other reason
I don’t know if Roz told you
But I’m gay
Really?
I mean he didn’t tell me
Not that there is any reason that he would
But congratulations?
Thanks!
So that’s why you texted me?
Tips on being gay?
I think you would have more luck asking me about hockey
No!
Oh
I was just kind of wondering
Maybe you would want to get drinks together sometime?
Unless you think that’s too weird
Obviously you don’t have to
Only two single gay guys in the league and all
Cliché, right?
No pressure
Thought maybe it would be fun?
Oh!
Wait
You’re asking me out?
Well
Yeah?

Lily

Why is Barrett asking me out?
Barrett?
Troy Barrett?
Yeah
Super funny, he texted me, came out and then immediately asked me to get drinks together?
Troy Barrett asked you this
I think I’ve confirmed that already, yes
Troy Barrett asked you out
Yes
The one from my team?
Are you being annoying on purpose?
I am trying to get this right
Yes, Troy Barrett, your teammate, asked me out
You should have known, since you’re the one who gave him my number
I did not!
Would never
Think you did
Something about hockey tips?
Seems like he wants a different tip though (Smiling Face With Horns )
When did you learn to joke like that?
I have a very good teacher(Smirking Face )
Is nothing to joke about.
Something wrong?
He was not supposed to ask you out!
Why did you give him my number then?
Hockey tips!
I am going to kill him
You are being dramatic
Mmm, no don’t think so
Another hockey player is trying to steal my man from me
Would say I am not being dramatic enough
You make a good point
What?
Yeah, I mean…
Attractive hockey players are my type
Shane
It’s the truth!
You are doing this on purpose
I’m not doing anything!
At the least I am giving you a compliment
Calling you an attractive hockey player…
You were calling Troy an attractive hockey player too
Was I?
Shane
Ilya
What did you tell him?
Tell who
Troy
He asked you out
What did you say?
Have not said anything yet
But maybe I could give him some tips
Hockey tips of course
You will not tell him anything
Why not?
Don’t talk to him
I’m not going to say nothing
Okay
Go back to your text with Troy
Tell him NO
Then come back
I don’t know
We were having a pretty good conversation
Shane
What?
Just saying it might be nice to have another gay hockey player to talk to
You can talk to Scott Hunter
You don’t like Scott
This is true
But he has a boyfriend
He won’t hit on you again
Scott never hit on me
But he wanted to
That doesn’t even make sense, Ilya
You can talk to Scott Hunter
Not Barrett
Since when are you deciding who I talk to?
Since you are my boyfriend
Does this mean I can decide who you talk to?
No
Doesn’t seem fair
And you gave Troy my number, so I would think you are okay with me talking to him
For hockey tips!
How did he even ask?
He told me he was gay
And said you were gay too
Then asked me for your number for hockey tips
Ilya
???
You seriously don’t see what happened there?
What are you talking about?
After he told you he was gay, he asked you for the number of the only other supposedly single hockey player and you believed him when he said it was for hockey tips??
Why would I not believe him!
Maybe because it was really obvious?
Not true
You are being annoying
Sure
Have you told him no yet?
I am a little bit busy here
But if you’d rather me talk to Troy, I’ll leave
Noooo stay
I think you’ve made yourself pretty clear(Crying Face )

Troy Barrett (Centaurs)

Wait
You’re asking me out?
Well
Yeah?
I am assuming the long wait means it’s a no
Hey
Sorry
I kind of have someone
Wait, really?
That’s totally cool, no hard feelings
And congratulations man!
Thanks Barrett
Call me Troy
Sure?
If you would ever still want those hockey tips, you can always text me
I’ll remember that
Might be useful tips if they’re coming from the best player in the league
You calling me the best player?
Just don’t tell Roz
I can’t promise that
Oh no
Is this going to be some weird leverage in your rivalry?
I mean, if even his own teammates don’t think he is the best player…
Then there must be some truth in that, right?
Yeah, if you could just forget I ever said that, that would be great
Don’t worry Troy, I won't mention your name
Totally not obvious since I am the only team member who has your phone number now
Whose fault is that?
I am starting to think you are just as big a terror as Roz
How do you think we became rivals?
Yeah
Rivals
I can’t believe I tried to ask you out
Don’t worry about it
Don’t tell Roz maybe?
He would never let me live it down
Why would I tell Ilya?
I don’t talk to Roz that much
Yeah, sure
Thanks for being cool about this
I’ll talk to you later maybe?
Anytime!

Lily

Noooo stay
I think you’ve made yourself pretty clear(Crying Face )
Shane
Shane
Where did you go?
Lily is calling Jane
Come back
Lily is calling Jane
Are you talking to Troy again?
Lily is calling Jane
Shane
I’m waiting
Shaaaaanee
Where are you
Lily is calling Jane
Come back
Come back
I miss you
(Crying Face )
Shane
Come back to me
SHANE
Are you leaving me for Barrett?
Shane
Tell me
You are breaking my heart
Come back(Crying Face )
Ilya
What is this
Shane!
You are back
Finally
I missed you(Crying Face )
I was gone for less than ten minutes
I don’t even know how you managed to send this many texts
I missed you
That the only reason?
What other reason would there be?
I don’t know
Maybe something to do with “Are you talking to Troy again?”
Or “Are you leaving me for Barrett?”
Or “You are breaking my heart”
I think I would remember if I said that
You can literally read it back
I do not see it
So you were not jealous?
Jealous of what?
Troy
You call him by his first name now?
He told me to
You listened to him?
Would be rude if I said no
Could have said no
Ilya
Shane
You are jealous
No
Yes
I do not know that word
Jealous?
Weird word
Never heard of it
You are being annoying
I think I’ll go talk to Troy again
He answers my questions at least
What?
No
I will answer your questions
Stay
Fine
Are you jealous?
Not this question
Okay
Goodnight!
Shane
Something you want to say?
Yes
Yes what?
Yes I am jealous
Not so hard to say, was it?
Don’t gloat
Am not gloating
You are
I can see it from here
Not possible
Don’t underestimate me
And it is a really big gloat
You can’t see a gloat
I can
Can we go back to you being jealous?
No
I don’t want to talk about it
You know
I told him no
You did?
Why are you surprised?
You said he was an attractive hockey player!
I said YOU were an attractive hockey player too
Maybe you thought he was more attractive
Are you serious right now?
Maybe..?
Ilya
You are the most attractive man I know
That you know!
And now that you know Barrett?
I still think you are more attractive
Fine
You do believe me don’t you?
Might need more details
About what?
Why you think I am so attractive
I guess your face is pretty
You guess?
What else
Your lips
And?
Your sexy body doesn’t hurt either
Sexy, huh?
Also, I am quite obsessed with your curls
Tell me more about this
What do you want to do with my curls?
Play with them
Twirl it around my finger
Pull it a little
When
When your mouth is wrapped around my cock
Your cock?
Well, yeah?
Who does it belong to?
Ilya
Who is the only one allowed to touch your cock?
Tell me
You
That’s right
Now touch yourself
You sure I am allowed to touch ‘your’ cock?
You think it is time for jokes now?
Touch yourself
I am
What are you thinking about?
You
I need more than that, Shane
Thinking about your mouth
What am I doing?
Kissing my neck
Spit in your hand
Why?
Spit again
You did it?
Yes
Good
Now wrap your hand around your cock
Feel the wetness?
Yeah
Imagine it’s my mouth
I am
Good
Go slow
I want to take my time
Fuck
Slow strokes, Shane
Are you listening?
I am
Good
No coming until I tell you
You can't tell me what to do
But you will listen anyway
Do you have lube?
Yeah
Good
Put it on your fingers
I need this hand to text you
Stop touching your dick and use that hand
I don’t want to stop
Put the lube on your fingers
Warm it up just like I always do
Shane?
What now?
Finger yourself
Go slow
Remember how I do it
I remember
I know you do
Start with one finger
I can handle two
Ah, not yet
Be patient, sweetheart
You are too eager
I am eager for you
Fuck
Go on then
Second finger
Work yourself open
You need to fit my cock in there
You’re not even here
In your head I am
Go on
I am
Good
Curl your fingers
Hit that sweet spot yet?
Fuck
Tell me
Yes
Good
Third finger
Please can I touch my cock again
Not yet
Keep going
You are doing so good for me
I would tell you that if I was there
Yeah?
Yes
I would tell you that you are doing so good
So pretty working yourself open for me
I would kiss your neck
And then move to that sensitive spot right below your ear
You know which one I am talking about
Yeah
Feel my fingers inside you?
Yes
I will kiss your neck again
And go lower
Twirl my tongue around your nipples
Fuck
Going down even more
Getting close to your cock
Fingers still moving in and out
Hitting that sweet spot with every thrust
You feel that?
Fuck
Words, Shane
Yes
I feel it
Can I please come now?
Almost
You want to touch your cock?
Can I?
If you answer my questions
Are you going to be good and answer my questions, Shane?
Yes
Who does your cock belong to?
You
Feel those fingers move around in your ass?
Yes
Who does your ass belong to?
You
Who can touch you?
You
Only me?
Yes
Only you
Good
Now touch your cock
Keep your fingers inside
Use your other hand
Call me when you’re done
I want to see the pretty mess you made
Jane is calling Lily
So pretty for me
Only you
Remember that the next time you think making me jealous is a smart idea
I will
Good
Now sleep
You need rest before I come to see you tomorrow
Is that a threat?
Depends
What if I want it to be? (Smiling Face With Horns )
You are going to be the death of me, Hollander
I love you(Growing Heart )
Love you more(Face Throwing A Kiss )
No, you don’t
Don’t argue with me
Unless you want to be punished for being bad
What if I do?
Fuck

Lily

So, remember when you told me to go to that bar in New York?
You know, the one where Scott Hunter always hangs out?
Of course I remember
I was the one that told you
I had a lot of fun
Also, there was this bartender that kept flirting with me
Kyle was flirting with you?
Oh, is that his name?
He was kind of cute actually
Jane
I mean if I didn’t have you…
Jane
What?
What are you doing?
I’m not doing anything
Just telling you about my day 😊
You are not ‘just’ telling me about your day
Hmm I think I was?
What did he say?
Who?
You know who
I have no idea what you are talking about ‘Lily’
Jane
Something up?
You’re acting really weird
I'm acting weird?
Yeah totally
You know what you are doing
I don’t think I do?
Mmm I think you do
What is it you think I’m doing?
You are trying to make me jealous
What?
Don’t act all innocent now
I have no idea what would make you think that!
I was just saying that Kyle was being really nice to me
No you said he was flirting with you
That’s basically the same thing
So when you are flirting with me you are just being nice?
Well, not exactly
That’s what I thought
Anyway
Kyle was being really nice and I just wanted to tell you that I had a good time!
Hmm and this is totally innocent?
What else would it be?
You know what else
I don’t know what you mean
How did Kyle flirt with you?
What?
Oh, he just told me I looked good 😊
And
That’s all
I got a few drinks on the house
And he might be a better at winking than you
Eh no
You will take that back
Even if I mean it?
When did he wink at you?
A few times when he gave me a drink
Nothing much
And you decided he is better at winking than me
It was a sexy wink
Shane
Lily, don’t use that name!!
Shane
Yes?
I am the only person who has a sexy wink
Are you sure?
Yes
And so are you
I don’t know…
Shane, you need to be very careful
Why?
You are making me jealous on purpose
Am I?
Yes
And you know it?
What are you going to do about that?
You are being very bad
Yeah, I think I am
Maybe you want to get punished
I might
Where are you right now?
In bed
Pick up the phone
Lily is calling Jane

Lily

Ilya, what the fuck?
Jane is calling Lily
Pick up the damn phone
Jane is calling Lily
Come on Ilya
It was a joke!
You are being stupid
I am being stupid?
Yes!
We barely talk and then you spend it all talking about someone else?
What?
We talk all the time!
And I am here talking to you, not him
Hmm
Come on, Ilya
Jane is calling Lily
Just pick up the phone and talk to me
Depends
On what?
Are you going to be good for me?
Yes
Tell me
I am going to be good for you
Jane is calling Lily
Really good
Lily is calling Jane

Lily

You done with your shower?
Yes, almost
Okay
I will call you
Lily is calling Jane

Unknown Number

Hi!
Who is this?
Oh, wow, you’re online immediately
Intimidating haha
Yes
Who are you?
I’m Taylor, I got this number from Hayden
You’re Shane, right?
Fucking Pike
Okay? Clearly I have the wrong number
No
Not the wrong number
Okay then
Shane is not interested
What?
Whatever you were going to ask, Shane is not interested
I thought this was Shane?
Yes
Not interested
Damn
Hayden said you were really nice
Pike knows nothing
Fuck
I’ll leave you alone
Yes
Good boy
This is getting weird
I thought you were leaving?
Wow, you are a bit of an asshole, you know that?
Yes
Make sure to tell Pike that Shane was not interested
Fine

Unknown Number

Hey, this is Liam! I got your number from JJ. You’re Shane right?
Hello Liam
Hi! I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go out sometime! JJ mentioned you might be interested 😊
What is your last name?
What?
Last name
Smith
What does this have to do with anything?
Boring last name
Okay..?
I don’t like boring
I can promise you I am not boring, ask JJ
Don’t need to ask JJ
Saw your Instagram
I don’t want to go out with you
That’s fine, but you don’t have to be mean about it?
Not mean
I like strong guys
Saw your Instagram
You do not look strong
If you looked at my Instagram you could also see that I am a personal trainer, so I am actually pretty strong
Does JJ only have gay friends who are personal trainers?
What?
First Kevin, now you William
My name is Liam
Okay William
I am bored of this conversation
I will not go out with you
Yeah, okay
I don’t think I want to go out with you either
Everyone wants to go out with me
Sure man

Unknown Number

Hi! Is this Shane Hollander? I got this number from JJ!
Name?
Wow, direct, I like it (Winking Face )
Name
Why are you winking at me?
I am Jaden
Thought you were being cheeky(Winking Face )
Stop winking at me
You want me to do something else to you?
What
Anything you want(Smiling Face With Horns )
I don’t want anything from you
I bet you do
I bet I don’t
You can text me your address and I can come over later?
I said I don’t want anything from you
I know(Winking Face )
I think you misunderstood
This is not flirting
Sure(Winking Face )
Stop winking at me
Only if you tell me to stop(Winking Face )
I JUST TOLD YOU
Fine
I can still come over?
No
I don’t want your dick
Damn
I thought you were flirting
What made you think that???
I guess I’m used to it being a little rough(Winking Face )
Stop winking
Okay(Winking Face )
Text me if you change your mind about me coming over
I won't change my mind
I don’t want your dick
I will never want your dick
I think nobody will ever want your dick
That joke is a bit rude(Face With Tears Of Joy )
Was no joke?
Damn dude
Hit me up later(Face Throwing A Kiss )
You are a very weird person?
You have blocked this user

Unknown Number

Hey! I am one of Jackies friends and she told me you were single? Let me just introduce myself first.
No
Eh, what?
No need to introduce yourself
Answer is no
I didn’t even ask anything!
You were going to ask for a date
Answer is no
Okay?
Is that clear enough?
Loud and clear
Good

Unknown Number

Hey, this is Brian. I got this number from Hayden. He said he had a single friend. You must be Shane?
You are right.
Pike has only one friend.
Lol(Face With Tears Of Joy )
I meant single as not in a relationship
Okay
Which you are not, right?
What
You’re not in a relationship?
No
Yes
Eh, which one?
Not in a relationship
Good!
So, do you maybe want to go out sometime?
I don’t even know you
Well, yeah that’s the idea
We can get to know each other!
I don’t want to
Oh, that’s fine too!
Just so I’m clear, you are saying no to the date?
Yes
Okay!
Why are you being nice?
I asked a question, you said no, that is completely fine?
Suspicious
Tell Pike I know what he is trying to do
Hayden has nothing to do with this?
Hmmm
Sure
He really doesn’t lol
This is no laughing matter.
You okay?
Why
Hayden said you were supposedly the sweetest guy he knows
This doesn’t really come across at the ‘sweetest’
Maybe Pike doesn’t know me so well
Clearly
I’ll text him to check up on you
Don’t text Pike
And don’t be nice
I rejected you
I can handle being rejected, don’t worry about me 😊
I am not worried about you?
What made you think that I was worried about you?
Nice of you to check up on me
I can see a bit of the sweetness that Hayden talked about(Winking Face )
I am not sweet
Sure!
I am not
I’ll be sure to tell Hayden that(Face With Tears Of Joy )
I AM NOT SWEET
And leave Pike out of this

Unknown Number

Hi
STOP TEXTING ME
Uh
Is this Shane?
STOP TEXTING ME
Are you okay?
STOP TEXTING ME
Seriously, are you okay?
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
What the fuck?
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
I must have the wrong number
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
Sorry!
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
STOP TEXTING ME
This user has blocked you

Hayden

Hey man, are you okay?
Fine
Okay?
I heard from some friends that you were being rude over text?
Doesn’t sound like the Shane I know!
Maybe you don’t know me
Pretty sure I know you haha
Been friends for a decade, remember?
Unfortunately
Okay?
I am kind of starting to believe my friends
What’s up with you?
I am not interested in your friends
Yeah, you made that very clear
So stop giving them my number
Fine
Are you going to tell me why you are being weird?
No
Maybe
Come on, tell me!
I am your friend, you can tell me anything
Don’t be so sure Pike
Okay, now I am officially weirded out
Try and calm down a little, will you?
I’ll talk to you later

JJ

Dude wtf?
What is it, Boiziau
You are being fucking weird to my friends?
Maybe you have stupid friends
I was trying to be nice!
And I checked them out, they were all super nice?
Are you blind?
You should have checked better
Wow
If you don’t want to date, that’s fine
No reason to be rude to me
Shane is not interested
You keep telling your very weird friends to text him
Maybe you are the one being rude
Why are you talking about yourself in the third person(Face With Tears Of Joy )
Is this another one of your quirks?
Shut up, Boiziau
Or my next quirk will be dumping you as a friend
Shit man
Didn’t mean it like that, sorry
But seriously, what the fuck is going on?
Be good and I will tell you
Eh, ew?
You going to be a good little boy?
Why are you talking like this
I thought you liked friends who are oversexed and talk like this
Maybe not?
Yeah definitely not
Sorry man
You will be
What is that supposed to mean?
I will check you extra hard the next game
I don’t know if you forgot, but I’m literally your teammate(Face With Tears Of Joy )
Are you?
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
(Smirking Face )
Shane?
Hollzy?
What’s going on?
Capitaine?

Sexiest Man Alive (Shane(Growing Heart )) + Two Worst Metros Players

Shane changed the name of the conversation
Hayden
Eh Shane?
JJ
What's up with the name of this chat??
Welcome!
I have gathered you all here today for a very important conversation.
Shane is not interested, nor will he ever be interested in dating one of your friends.
This is because Shane is very happy in his relationship
His relationship with me!
Hayden
WHAT?
JJ
HOLD UP
Hayden
IS THIS LILY?
JJ
Dude!! Why didn’t you tell us????
Yes, this is Lily
JJ
We’ve been wanting to meet you for so long!
I’m JJ btw, nice to meet you!
Hayden
Does this mean we finally get to know who you really are?
Oh, yes this is Hayden
I know who you are
Pike
Boiziau
Are you ready?
Hayden
Never been more ready in my life
JJ
Same here
I am…….
Ilya Rozanov!!
JJ
LOL who knew Shane’s boyfriend would be funny(Face With Tears Of Joy )
Hayden
I guess someone has to have the jokes in the relationship(Face With Tears Of Joy )
No offense Shane
Offense not taken
Shane is not funny
And yes I am really funny
But this is not a joke
Hayden
Ehm what?
JJ
Yeah, this is weird?
The joke is over dude
Hayden
Can you give Shane his phone back?
I am Ilya Rozanov
Hayden
Yeaahh…. You said that
Shane?
JJ
Capitaine?
Hi guys
Shane here
JJ
Thank fuck
Hayden
Yeah
I don’t want you to think this is bad, but your boyfriend was being a bit weird man
JJ
He said he was Ilya Rozanov
Hayden
LOL could you imagine(Face With Tears Of Joy )
He is
Hayden
What?
He is Ilya Rozanov
My boyfriend is Ilya Rozanov
JJ
Is this some weird foreplay?
Hayden
Yeah, do you guys get off on pranking us?
No?
My boyfriend really is Ilya
Hayden
Can you stop saying his first name?
JJ
Yeah, I am starting to freak out a little
Okay, I guess Ilya is not technically my boyfriend
Hayden
THANK JESUS
JJ
HAHA Hollzy, you got me good man
Ilya is my fiancé 😊
Surprise!
JJ
WHAT THE FUCK
Hayden
SHANE???
Be nice or I will kill you
This is Rozanov again
I will kill you and they will never find your body
Will be in the river
Next to the bodies of all the other homophobes I have already killed
Be careful with what you are saying(Smiling Face With Horns )
Hayden
THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE INTO???
SHANE???
JJ
I had so many nice friends…
And this is what you picked?!
You had stupid friends
Not compatible with Shane
I am compatible with Shane
In every possible way(Smirking Face )
JJ
UGH
Hayden
I'm going to throw up

Ilya(Growing Heart )

Can I finally post on twitter now?
Yes
But please do what we discussed!
No promises(Face Throwing A Kiss )
ILYA

Ilya(Growing Heart )

What the hell was that?
I wanted to keep it mysterious!
Is working, no?
This is weird
People are going to think it’s about something else
Don’t worry
Next tweet is going to be very clear
What are you planning??
Ilya?

Ilya(Growing Heart )

What the fuck?
Is very clear!
THIS IS NOT WHAT WE DISCUSSED
😊

Ilya(Growing Heart )

I am killing you and taking your phone
Nooo please (Crying Face )
Sorry you’re right
I am taking your phone and THEN I’m going to kill you
You're mean…
You deserve it

Ilya(Growing Heart )

Very boring
This is normal!
Normal is boring
At least I answered some questions?
That people had because of YOU
Funny is better
No it’s not

Ilya(Growing Heart )

Look what you did
What? 😊
Don’t act innocent!
Scott didn’t need to defend himself until you posted that!
Not my fault
No?
Whose then??
Hunter
How is it his fault?! You started it!
No comment
(Pouting Face )

Ilya(Growing Heart )

See, Troy is funny!
But I am still angry at him
For what exactly?
You know what
That was ages ago!
You can’t seriously still be mad about that!
Ah, I’m not
I just wanted to see your angry face again (Smiling Face With Horns )
I hate you
No, you looooove me
I don’t
You do (Face Throwing A Kiss )
I really don’t
(Crying Face )

Ilya(Growing Heart )

Why (Loudly Crying Face )
Just…
Why
Wanted to be extra clear 😊
Yeah, I think it’s clear

Ilya(Growing Heart )

Let me guess…
You wanted to be extra clear
Yes!
You get it now
I really don’t.
Can I post the other thing now?
Fine, go ahead
What else could go wrong, right?

Ilya(Growing Heart )

That was surprisingly normal and sweet
I am really sweet
You can be
Now the whole world knows that you’re mine (Face Throwing A Kiss )
Yeah, I think you made that pretty clear
Lucky me
No
Lucky me
I love you (Growing Heart )
Love you more (Growing Heart )

End Notes

Come talk to me on threads: @evawritess_ 🙌🏼