Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau & Ilya Rozanov, Boston Bears | Boston Raiders Team Ensemble & Ilya Rozanov, David Hollander & Yuna Hollander & Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Coach LeClaire (Game Changers), Yuna Hollander, David Hollander

Additional Tags:

Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Good Friend Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, POV Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Coming Out, Social Media, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov is a Menace, Press and Tabloids, Post-Episode: s01e06 The Cottage (Heated Rivalry), (In the year where Ilya is still in Boston), Hockey Captain Ilya Rozanov, Leaked Text, Texting, Leaked Texts

Language:

English

Series:

Part 4 of HR Social Media works

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-27 Completed: 2026-06-26 Words: 24,602 Chapters: 4/4

#DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe

Summary

“We do not say anything about the Hollander situation,” LeClaire tells them even though it sounds like he’s already resigned to what he knows is going to happen.

After all, Roz gets extremely mad whenever it’s brought up. Not that Cliff can blame him, he’s pretty sure that Roz liked Hollander before this (wouldn’t chirp him half as much if he didn’t). Finding out that he’s such a bastard must sting.

Not to mention that Roz does not mess around with people that disrespect girls. Or women. Or kids. Or dogs. Or the elderly (excluding Scott Hunter). Or really anyone, if it’s for petty stupid reasons.

“Of course,” Cliff agrees for both of them since Roz is still too busy texting someone.

It’s apparently not good enough for LeClaire because he asks, “Roz?”

“Just one second,” he answers without raising his eyes from his phone or stopping his typing. “Need to get my Jane to agree with something. She’s very stubborn.”

 

Or. My take on the 'their text leak and now everybody thinks that Shane is an abusive bastard' premise. Featuring Ilya giving a presser, Marly realizing in real time who 'Jane' is and the internet reacting to the craziness.

Notes

• Inspired by [Restricted Work] by HollowIsTheWorld

Chapter 1

It has been A Week.

And the worst part is that Cliff doesn’t even know why.

It started with Roz skipping practice for a ‘family emergency’ (which is weird considering that Roz’ now officially an orphan and estranged from his leech of a brother, but whatever) and coming back on the warpath.

Like Pre-All Stars Season from last year pissed. 

But somehow even worse? 

(And if a year ago someone had told Cliff that it could be worse he would have laughed at their faces and then vomited because he had just done way too many bag skates).

It is worse though.

Don’t get him wrong, last season Roz had been unhinged and had pushed them into training harder and harder to distract himself (without considering that ‘enough exercise to distract Roz’ is the equivalent of ‘enough exercise to kill most pro-athletes’). And no, the fact that they had had a great fucking season did not make all that suffering worth it, they had all decided so in a poll. 

But Cliff knows Roz and he knows that last year he hadn’t really been mad.

No, last year Roz had been fucking sad. 

And a sad Roz is horrible and makes you feel like you are watching baby seals being clubbed to death for their skins, but  at least, a sad Roz can be distracted with trashy tv, trashier food and a lot of hookups with very respectable women that should not be insulted just because they happen to enjoy casual sex (see Nicole? Cliff is not a complete pig, yet).

This Roz is not sad, though. 

This Roz is furious. 

And knowing him, he’s probably furious on someone else’s behalf which is even more terrifying because it means that the man will not let it go, will not be distracted, and will not hesitate to burn down cities if needed.

Especially if, like Cliff suspects, whatever this is involves Montreal fucking Jane.

And how could it not?

Let’s check the facts, here:

Roz extends his vacation to the most he can get away with for the first time ever (which is extremely suspicious, considering that the guy is usually back in Boston at the first suggestion that he may be needed for something during the pre-season).

Roz comes back all giggly and disgustingly happy and refusing to give anyone any details of where he’s been. (Or broad strokes, or outline, or anything at all).

Roz spends the whole season glued to his phone, stops picking up chicks even to dance with (Cliff is not stupid, he knows Roz stopped going home with girls months ago, so that part is not new), is usually ‘away’ when they have a long weekend and disappears like smoke the second they are in Montreal.

(Has stopped talking about ‘next season’, has been asking about fucking Ottawa in a very discreet way that only Cliff seems to have noticed. Worse, has started remarking on Cliff’s leadership skills.)

It’s fucking obvious that he’s finally managed to lock down his Montreal Jane and the only thing that could have damped his mood is if said Montreal Jane was going through a tough time.

“You have a presser in five minutes,” someone yells. “They want Cap, so take Marly too.”

Cliff can’t help but groan.

Why him? Why did the universe (Boston’s management) decide that he is the designed Roz wangler?

(Because years ago, he looked at an eighteen year old and did not see a prodigy, a smart mouth or a threat, but a terrified, lonely kid that was half the world away from everything he knew and could probably use someone to look after him for a little while).

“Think they’ll ask about Hollander?” Saint Vic asks because he apparently has a death wish.

Roz raises his eyes from where he was furiously typing on his phone to glare at him.

Saint Vic raises his hands in surrender, “Just saying! It’s the biggest scandal in hockey, right now.”

It is.

It really is.

Because apparently, good canadian boy Shane Hollander text his girlfriend to ‘fuck off and die, asshole’. 

Because when that poor girl attempts to sext at him, the guy can’t barely reply with more than ‘okay’ or ‘that sounds fine’.

Because Hollander apparently thinks his girlfriend looks hot with a split lip and blood over her mouth after her (his? it’s not clear) grandfather punched her. And not only was he not mad at the bastard that had put his hands on her (Cliff would commit murder for less) but he had the gall to tell her ‘you provoked him all night, you were basically asking for it’. Oh, oh, and tagged on an that if she continued being ‘this fucking obnoxious’, he’d be the one hitting her next time.

Like what the fuck?

He did not expect this from Hollander of all people.

At least now Cliff can stop feeling guilty for putting him in the hospital last year. 

In hindsight, it was more than deserved, if you ask him.

The coward hasn’t even put out a statement yet and it’s been over a week. Apparently he’s just expecting this to blow over.

Which, to be fair to him, it probably would if he was anyone but Shane Fucking Hollander. 

Cliff knows guys have gotten away with worse.

But when Mr. Wholesome, Mr. In Every Fucking Billboard, Mr. Good guy, Mr. Not Like That Asshole In Boston That Likes To *gasp* Flirt And Shit-Talk, gets this kind of scandal, people are not so quick to forgive and forget.

Good.

Cliff was honestly starting to get pretty fucking tired of hearing about how much a better person this bland piece of shit is compared to his captain. 

So Roz does not partner with non-profits for events on a monthly basis. Well, that’s because Roz donates his time and money anonymously instead of making a circus out of it.

So Roz likes to go to clubs and pick up girls. First of all, this is America, there’s no fucking law against that. Secondly, Cap’s never got a single complaint from what Cliff knows.

And yeah, Roz is rude to reporters and a cocky little shit. Which is why the press fucking love him. At least he gives them something to work with! Also he’s got the skills to back it off, so get off his back, yeah?

Far better than being a generational talent and acting like you don’t fucking know it in a dishonest and frankly infuriating show of fake humility.

Point is, Shane Hollander is not, and has never been, better than Ilya Rozanov in any fucking way and it’s good that people are starting to catch on to that.

“We do not say anything about the Hollander situation,” LeClaire tells them even though it sounds like he’s already resigned to what he knows is going to happen.

After all, Roz gets extremely mad whenever it’s brought up. Not that Cliff can blame him, he’s pretty sure that Roz liked Hollander before this (wouldn’t chirp him half as much if he didn’t). Finding out that he’s such a bastard must sting. 

Not to mention that Roz does not mess around with people that disrespect girls. Or women. Or kids. Or dogs. Or the elderly (excluding Scott Hunter). Or really anyone, if it’s for petty stupid reasons.

“Of course,” Cliff agrees for both of them since Roz is still too busy texting someone.

It’s apparently not good enough for LeClaire because he asks, “Roz?” 

“Just one second,” he answers without raising his eyes from his phone or stopping his typing. “Need to get my Jane to agree with something. She’s very stubborn.”

He types a couple of things more before raising his head, a vicious smile blooming in his face. Apparently he’s just gotten the ‘okay’ and Marly shudders at what that may entail.

LeClair sighs, “You are about to make my life really hard, aren’t you?”

“Me?” Roz asks, blinking in confusion, raising a hand to his chest. “I’m angel!”

Yeah, a fallen one.

LeClaire sighs again, “Well, whatever it is, it won’t be able to beat the whole Hollander Drama so at least we won’t make headlines.”

Cliff wonders if LeClaire knows that he’s basically thrown Ilya a gauntlet. Like seriously, it couldn’t have been more of a challenge if he’d tagged on an ‘I dare you’.

“We are cooked,” he says, just so the record shows that he predicted it. Connor taps him on the back and Hammy nods at him with a wry smile. Neither offers to take his place in this fucking shitshow though.

So Cliff follows his coach and captain to the press room like a man being led to the gallows.

Ann without an e @ann3254

Okay, but has everybody read Shane Hollander texts? Because that man deserves prison, not even joking #FreeLily

Attached images:

Shane

Lily

Nice hat trick

Maybe I get a hat trick of my own next time we meet

What do you think? Should I make you come three times?

Ok

That sounds nice

Awww

You’re so excited

Yeah

Maybe I’ll blow you first.

What do you think?

I think you have a split lip so that’s going to be unpleasant for you

That’s not a no

I mean, you do look hot with blood in your face

Oh, you like?

Why do you think I was so in the mood yesterday?

I’ll have to thank Grandpa for punching me then

If you do that he’ll punch you again.

It’s okay

You’ll protect me

No

I will not

😢

Don’t give me that

You provoked him all night

You were basically asking for it

Me?

That’s lie

You say terrible things to me

Oh?

Do I?

Yeah

You are a terrible boyfriend

so mean to me

Oh fuck off, asshole

You like it

See?

Bad boyfriend tells me to fuck off.

You are right

I should have said:

Fuck off and die, asshole

Better?

Next you’ll be punching me too

If you continue to be this obnoxious, maybe

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

Noooooo. I thought Shane was one of the good ones. He was such a cutie last year. Still, #FreeLily, girl run, I don’t want to have to see you during working hours.

JayJason @Youdon’tknowme

‘Terrible boyfriend’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. Girl, he’s so not worth it. #FreeLily

Hockey and Stuff @SadlyFromTampa

‘You like it’? The asshole had the nerve to tell her ‘you like it’?!? #FreeLily

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo

Who tells a girl that’s being abused by her family that she was asking for it? WTF??? #FreeLily

Hattrick!!!! @Metrosfan342

We don’t know if it was Lily’s grandfather, it could have been Shane’s.

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo

Oh, yeah, because that makes it so much fucking better. #FreeLily

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

You know who would never tell a girl to fuck off? #FreeLily #RozWouldNever

Carolina’s Year @AidenHockeyStuff

I know it’s so not the time, but Lily sounds hot, like what do you mean she makes Hollander come once for each goal he scores and where do I find myself a freak like that?

Coffee, Books and more Coffee @GraduatingThisYear

She’s not doing this because she likes it. Clearly she knows she better keep that man happy, or else. #FreeLily 

Katey @katekate4

For real. No one enjoys giving a blowie with a split lip. #FreeLily

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

So I find out Shane can come multiple times at the same time I find out he’s a misogynistic prick? Why must god test me like this? #FreeLily I guess.

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore

No but that poor girl clearly comes from an abusive family and Hollander is taking advantage of that to keep her obedient. #FreeLily

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain

And people had the nerve to accuse Scott of being racist because he put this asshole in his place. #HeKnew #ScottWasNotTheBigot #FreeLily

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24

Maybe there’s some context we are not getting? I mean, they are clearly into freaky stuff.

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

Girl what context would make this okay? #FreeLily

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24

I don’t know but there must be an explanation! I refuse to believe my sweet Shane would talk to a girl like this!

Tired And In College @marian

Oh no, a hockey player is being awful to women! What will we see next? A mechanic repairing a car?? #FreeLily

Josh @mtrlfan703

Okay but why is that chick staying with him if he treats her so badly?

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere

Have you considered that maybe she can’t leave? Like obviously her family is in on it. #FreeLily

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

Or she’s just convinced herself that this is normal, can’t have very high self-esteem if she allows her man to talk to her like that. #FreeLily

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

Maybe all those millions make the bruises and  bland texts worth it lol

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

I’ll just say it. People would not be near this quick to dog pile the man if he was white, and you all know it.

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

You did not try to play the race card to excuse domestic violence. #FreeLily #RaceIsNotAnExcuse

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

Girl, he may be rich, hot and famous but if this is how he treats you, you should dump his ass. #FreeLily

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

Okay, enough. I am Lily and Shane is not an abuser. Stop spreading lies. #DONTFreeLily #DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe #ILikeWhereIAm.

Shanon @tampababe

Holy shit, the poor woman is being abused and you are impersonating her on the internet to protect her abuser? You need serious help. #FreeLily

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

So we all agree this is a fake right? #FreeLily

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

Shut the fuck up, girl. He will not fuck you. #FreeLily

Pucks in the net @AllHockey2453 

Damm Hollander sure has some dedicated fans. #FreeLily

Laugh Live Hockey @hockeymomofthree

See, this is why I always say that puck bunnies give us women fans a bad name. #Free Lily

Chapter 2

The presser starts blessedly normal but Cliff cannot relax. He knows what is coming. Or well, he doesn’t, but he knows something is and that it’s going to be biblical. Also, Roz is way, way too chipper, which is never a good sign.

And then it happens.

One reporter asks The Question.

He’s a man in his thirties, white, blond, terrible taste in shirts.

Cliff is going to remember him.

“So what are your thoughts on the Hollander situation?”

Roz straightens up, smiling like a shark that’s just smelled blood.

“No comment,” says LeClaire quickly, sending them a warning glare.

“We are focusing on our own team, not on other players’ personal life,” Cliff says obediently even though the words leave a very foul taste on his mouth. 

Fuck the league, why can’t they let him call a spade a spade?

Roz shakes his head at them, in theatrical disappointment.

“I will give you better answer,” he promises the reporters, much to Cliff’s and LeClaire’s chagrins. “But first, I have question for you too.” 

The whole room of reporters goes quiet (Cliff hadn’t known they were capable of that). LeClaire looks like he wants to interrupt but the story is already being written so he may as well let Roz direct it as he may (better than allowing the reporters to come up with something on their own).

Everybody holds their breath while Roz takes his time because he’s a dramatic asshole that enjoys giving Cliff heart palpitations. Then, finally, when he’s got them all on the edge of their seats, he leans in, and very carefully asks directly into the microphone: 

“Do I look like a delicate fucking flower to you?”

The room remains silent, this time in confusion instead of anticipation.

After what feels like a full minute of stillness, the reporters seem to realize that Roz is waiting for them to answer and will not elaborate otherways. 

A woman in the first row (from espn, if Cliff is not mistaken), is brave enough to break the silence.

“No?” she says tentatively. 

Roz nods, looking satisfied. “That’s because I’m not.”

He sounds very sure for someone that jumped three feet into the air the first time he saw Connor’s pet tarantula, but Cliff decides to keep that chirping material for himself.

Roz’ grin widens even more, and his eyes take on a gleam that Cliff has only seen during brawls on the ice.

“So why the fuck are you all trying to tell my fucking boyfriend how he should fucking speak to me?”

Cliff’s first thought is: ‘Three fucks in one sentence, that’s going to piss off the PR team.’

His second thought is: ‘Wait, what?’

His third thought is: Motreal Fucking Jane.

He’d be embarrassed at how long it has taken him to connect those dots but it seems like some of the reporters have still not gotten there. 

There’s one mouthing the word ‘boyfriend’ to himself on repeat. Another has dropped his notebook. Another is furiously typing into her laptop. No one has opened their mouth to ask anything yet. Maybe out of shock. Maybe because they are hoping that Roz will keep going if they don’t interrupt.

If that’s the case, they are fools. Roz will keep going whether or not they interrupt him or gag him and throw him into the sea.

LeClaire clearly knows that because the poor man has his head on his hands and is breathing suspiciously evenly. (Cliff makes a mental note to refuse any coaching jobs that he may be offered after he retires. It’s just not worth the headaches.)

“I am a fucking adult,” Roz continues. “And I’m not an idiot. Or insecure or ‘dazzled’ by Hollander’s talent and wealth, or whatever stupid shit you’ve all been posting online because you have sad little lives and you need to comment on mine to spice them up. I know my worth, I know how I want to be treated and I don’t waste my time with people that don’t respect me.”

At least not anymore, because Cliff remembers seeing how much fucking money Roz send to his dirtbag of a brother monthly.

So yeah, if Roz is really ‘Lily’, maybe he will have to insist on reading that whole text thread to check that his boy is being treated right.

Then again, now that Cliff has some context, he’s pretty sure he knows who the ‘Grandpa’ is, so he can safely assume that there’s no abuse going on there (except maybe elder abuse). And well, he’s known for years the Montreal Girl worked Roz up like no one else. If he does so by telling him to fuck off, that’s not any of his business and, frankly, he does not need to scare himself for life with the filth that Roz is sure to have been sending Canada’s Golden boy.

“Are you coming out as gay?” a reporter carefully asks.

“Oh, no, no, no,” Roz tuts. “I talk now, you listen. If you are all good and don’t interrupt, maybe I answer questions later, okay?”

The reporters all nod at one, looking almost enthralled.

“Good,” Roz purrs, and Cliff swears he sees a couple of the reporters gulp.

“Like I was saying, what I do in my personal time, what Hollander does in his personal time, is none of your fucking business,” he continues and now the smile has dropped and he’s glaring at the reporters fiercely. “But since some asshole decided to take a fucking video of my boyfriend’s texts and the whole world now has an opinion on my relationship, I’m going to explain this to you like you are small little children with tiny, tiny brains.”

At this point, LeClaire has raised his head from his hands and is looking at the ceiling, muttering something that could very much be a prayer. Cliff on the other hand is just staring at Roz, too transfixed by the trainwreck to look away.

“Sometimes when two adults like each other very, very much they play games. And one game I like to play is to see how much do I have to push my very good boy of a boyfriend’s buttons to get him to tell me to fuck off. It’s fun because he’s always nice and polite but I manage to get under his skin, you see? Also I’m charming and hot so he likes me pestering him even if he pretends like he doesn’t,” he takes pause to breath and considers what he’s just said. “Okay, I just said something you will all misunderstand again, so let me clarify: I know he likes it when I’m an asshole. I know when he tells me to fuck off he’s only being angry kitten and playing at showing me his claws. I know that because, again, we are fucking adults who know how to talk and establish boundaries. Also we have known each other since 2008, yeah? Plenty of time to decide if we are worth each other’s time.”

“Since 2008?” a reporter squeaks, clearly unable to hold his questions back like Roz just asked. (If they screw up, Cliff will still be allowed to ask questions, won’t he? Like he’s not a reporter, he should get answers to all his questions. Starting with ‘what’ and following with ‘the fuck’. Also when. And how. And maybe why, too.)

“Well, I only managed to get into his bed in 2010, if that’s what you are asking, but yeah, it’s been years,” Roz shrugs, unconcernedly. So that’s the ‘when’, good, Cliff now has only one thousand follow up questions. “Now, what else, what else, oh yeah, the whole ‘he’s abusive’ bullshit. Okay, let’s play a game. Lily is me. Grandpa is…”

“Scott Hunter,” Cliff answers immediately, because for once he knows the answer and he’s not going to let one of the reporters beat him to it.

“Exactly,” Ilya exclaims. “Well done, Marly.”

Oh shit, this is nice. Is this what the nerds from class felt like? This explains so much.

“Old Man Hunter got me good, during our last Admiral game, I’ll admit it. All the milk in those smoothies is keeping his bones strong. He busted my lip and clipped one of my teeth, which sucked. Still, most of the internet thought I looked hot all bloodied. I read your tweets, you perverts. Why can't my boyfriend agree? And I did ask for it, I wanted the Admirals to give us power play so I chirped at the mummy until he lost it and handed us the game. So sorry Hunter cannot take a joke about his boyfriend finding a younger, hotter model, I guess.”

“Which was not homophobic,” Cliff quickly points out. “I mean, clearly.”

He lamely gestures up and down his captain but this is important, he’s tired of Hunter stans going after Roz for imaginary slights to their precious fav.

Roz snorts, though his eyes grow a bit warmer when they momentarily meet Cliff’s. 

“Very eloquent,” he mockingly praises him. “But yeah, not homophobic, ageist maybe. Anyway, as heartbroken as I am that my boyfriend will not fight dinosaur to protect my honor, I think internet calling him a wife-beater is overreaction and mean, so let’s stop it, yeah? It’s making him sad.”

“Well, he did say he’d hit you too?” one of the reporters timidly says.

Both Roz and Cliff snort at that.

“It was obviously a joke, Hollander does not drop gloves,” Cliff says with some laughter slipping into his voice. “I don’t think he even knows where the sin bin is.”

“My Shane is very good at most hockey things but if you’ve seen his ‘fight’” Roz actually uses airquotes here, because he’s apparently not scared of being exiled to the couch, “with Hunter, you know why I’m not exactly quacking in my boots, yeah?”

“Shaking in your boots,” Cliff corrects gently.

“But quacking sounds funnier, like a duck,” Roz pouts. “Quack, quack.”

He’s fucking quacking, he’s just outed himself to a whole room full of pen-wielding hyennas, and the bastard is quacking.

What a fucking legend.

Okay, if this is how they are playing it, Cliff is going to help. He may still not get the whole Hollander thing but the man cannot be as boring as he seems if Roz sees something in him. And anyway, Roz could date a literal cardboard cutout and Cliff would still be there, hyping it up as the best cardboard cutout in the world because that’s what you do for your boys.

“Shouldn’t you also clarify that your boy is not a shit sexter?” he asks, since that had also been a part of the internet discord. “Considering how much you blush every time he sends you something, the man’s gotta be top tier."

“He’s Shane Hollander, obviously he’s top tier,” Roz scoffs. “Also I do not blush.”

“Okay,” Cliff says and fixes his eyes to the camera, aware that the rest of their team must be glued to the tv in the locker room by now, watching this shitshow go down. “Boys, we can’t let the internet think our Captain is settling for someone that can’t sext. Everyone post any pics you have of Roz making heart eyes at his phone because of ‘Montrealy Girl’ and tag them as #RussiansDoNotBlush. Let’s show the world just how whipped he is.” 

“This is mutiny,” Roz notes, looking almost impressed. “You have betrayed me.”

He doesn’t seem overtly concerned but that's probably because he doesn’t know that the team has had a bet going to see who could get a picture of Roz’ sappier expression for years now, so they all have a very sizable collection of pre-Montreal game photos to share.

“Look man, you cannot  date the enemy and expect to not get some grief,” Cliff shrugs. “Also you just outed your boy as a freak, I think it’s fair to out you as a loverboy, yeah? To keep things balanced in the rivalry.”

Then an awful thought crosses his mind and he has to resist the urge to shake the man.

“Wait, you just outed outed him,” he points out. “When you said you had his okay, you meant for this, right?”

“No, Marly, I’m a fucking asshole who just dragged him out of the closet for shit and giggles,” Roz answers, rolling his eyes. “Obviously, he’s fine with it. Plan was to write a statement saying he’s gay, but then Pike said that, you know, abusing your boyfriend is not that much better than abusing your girlfriend, so Shane was trying to figure out a way to explain without outing me too.”

That’s nice of him. But more importantly, “Pike knew before me?"

He can forgive Roz for sleeping with a Metro but this is a step too fucking far.

“I think you knew first, he only realised Shane had a Boston Lily around 2014. You clocked me during rookie season,” Roz answers which is not what he asked and Cliff knows the asshole is only saying it to brag about how long he’s been banging Hollander. Again.

“Not about Jane and Lily,” he clarifies. “About Shane and Ilya. Also terrible code names, by the way. Tell me you weren’t the one that came up with them.”

“They were good enough to fool you,” he grumbles, which means that yeah, he’s the one that thought them up. Asshole probably thought they were hilarious too. “And yeah, Pike knew first, but only because he went to Shane’s wanting blood after reading those texts, and the whole ‘no, it’s fine because it’s a man’ excuse did not work. Poor man had tears in his eyes. Dagenais was pretty pissed too. So yeah, told them it was me. Then suddenly punching me in the face was the correct answer.”

“Oh? What’s their fucking problem, do they think our captain is not good enough for their captain?” Cliff asks, raising an eyebrow. 

He’s mostly joking but not really. Like fuck them, those text were awful without context and if it was Hollander joking, then that’s fine, but those two don’t get to tell the man to actually punch his boyfriend. Especially if said boyfriend is Roz who Cliff suspects has taken more than one punch from people that were supposed to care for him already.

Still, he’s fishing for a laugh and is very surprised when Roz shakes his head instead, “Not now, too much bullshit to deal with first. Can't play at in-fighting when too many people will have real problem with us.”

“Those people can suck my dick,” Cliff grumbles.

“I don’t think they will want to,” Roz replies. “But it’s nice of you to offer.”

Cliff shoves him, and Roz retaliates, pushing him towards the table where Cliff accidentally pushes Roz’s phone (and really, who puts their phone in the table when they are giving a fucking presser?) and has to catch it before it tumbles to the floor. He glances at it and does a double take.

“Roz, if you had Hollander's permission, why did he call you fourteen times in the last five minutes?” he asks carefully.

“Well, it was not permission, permission,” Roz admits, sheepishly. “He says ‘I’ll come out’, I say ‘then they will tell you you are mean to your boyfriend’. He says ‘it would be nice to tell them that being mean to my boyfriend is basically in my contract and that you enjoy it’, I say ‘yeah, we should do that’. He says ‘I wish, but we can’t, Russia will be mad’, I say ‘Russia is my problem, not yours and I chose a long time ago’.”

As if on queue, Roz’s phone starts vibrating menacingly in Cliff’s hand.

“Shit, man,” he says, handing it back. “I think your boy’s pissed.”

Roz seems delighted by the prospect and, like a madman, he answers the call on speakerphone.

JayJason @Youdon’tknowme

Okay, I think I drank too much and I’m now hallucinating.

Hockey and Stuff @SadlyFromTampa

Yup, my dad must have used funny mushrooms when cooking the risotto today.

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

Maybe it’s a prank? Maybe we are living in the Truman Show? Maybe our whole world is just an experiment run by mice to find the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

Okay but low key the texts do make a lot of sense if it’s Rozanov.

Ann without an e @ann3254

Sure, all you have to do is just accept that THE TWO BIGGEST RIVALS IN THE LEAGUE ARE SLEEPING WITH EACH OTHER.

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

I can’t say anything because of patient confidentiality but let’s just say this is not a surprise to anyone that helped Shane when he was dealing with his concussion last year.

Josh @mtrlfan703

?!??!?

Ann without an e @ann3254

Then why did you believe the texts??

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

Because they seemed more reliable than a hunch? Also like, the man was obsessed with his rival, that could mean they were fucking or that they were, you know, rivals? 

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

Oh! They were *rivals* rivals. Sorry, I wasn’t operating in anime logic because they were 3D people, will fix that right away!

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24

Maybe there’s some context we are not getting? I mean, they are clearly into freaky stuff.

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

Girl what context would make this okay? #FreeLily

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24

@JayPlaysButBadly, this context?

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

I guess?

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

You can literally see the life drain out of LeClair in real time, this is amazing.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

People are buying this? LOOOOOL

Josh @mtrlfan703

I’m half convinced that Rozanov is just being a good bro and taking one for the team so Hollzy doesn’t have to deal with the woke police.

We can still make the playoff @TorontoIsTheRealCapital

Rozanov is definitely the type to commit to the bit. And he’s slept with wayyyy too many girls to like dick.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

So I find out Shane can come multiple times at the same time I find out he’s a misogynistic prick? Why must god test me like this? #FreeLily I guess.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

So I find out Shane can come multiple times at the same time I find out FUCKING ROZANOV HAS LOCKED THAT DOWN?????????? Someone up there hates me. Is it you, Grandma? Because I already said sorry about eating the leftover chicken on Christmas 2009.

Shanon @tampababe

Was that ‘good’ he told the reporters  really fucking hot, or am I insane? Because I lowkey may understand what Hollander sees in this asshole. 

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

TIL Roz is definitely a dom.

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

TIL Hollander is definitely a brat.

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

TIL That I need that sextape because damn would those two be hot together.

 

Hattrick!!!! @Metrosfan342

I can’t believe we were cancelling Hollander over being mean to Rozanov. Maybe we should all focus on cancelling the Grandpa?

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

Can’t believe Scott Hunter would punch his own granddaughter! 

Katey @katekate4

I thought he was one of the good ones.

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore

I’m the only one that thinks it’s sweet those two just refer to Hunter as Grandpa in their private texts? If I was Hunter I’d be almost flattered, I think.

Carolina’s Year @AidenHockeyStuff

I KNEW LILY WAS FREAKY

Coffee, Books and more Coffee @GraduatingThisYear

Okay, okay, you were right, Lily does like it.

Katey @katekate4

Giving a bowie with a split lip still sounds kind of painful but to each their own, I guess.

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo

Of course Roz thinks ragebaiting is flirting 🙄 🙄 🙄 

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere

Seems like it’s working for him and Hollander

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

Not Roz explaining kink to a room full of reporters.

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

Not Shane apparently being who he practices it with.

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

On and off the rink, baby

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

Ugh, I cannot believe I have to be friends with you now.

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

😘 

Ann watches Hockey @Ann10426

This is the craziest timeline we are living in, but Freak!Hollander confirmed.

Mark @NotThatMarkNo

It’s worse than that, I’m afraid. I just reread the texts with the new context and Hollander seems to actually be funny 😱😱😱 

Ann watches Hockey @Ann10426

We were warned days like these would come. Next will be the locusts.

Tired And In College @marian

Ok, you know what? Sure, let the two hockey players take each other out of the market. All hockey players should do that, it would be a great way to quarantine them and would save a lot of women a lot of grief.

Pucks in the net @AllHockey2453 

@ScottHunterOfficial, apparently Rozanov wants to thank you for punching him. What are your thoughts?

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

I suddenly cannot read or hear. Must be my age catching up to me. #WhyRookWhy #ImTheGrandpaIGuess #FreeUsAllFromLily

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

I still think the whole ‘you look good bloodied’ is kind of a red flag.

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial 

**Gif of Ilya Rozanov with a split lip and blood around his mouth, he’s winking at the camera and sporting a feral smile**

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

… You win this round.

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

WAIT! @ShaneHollanderOfficial?!?! Like official official?

Metros Dynasty @metrofan1975

Did Ilya Rozanov just call Hollander ‘angry kitten’.

WeAreTheChampions @AdmiralsAlways3 

I mean, we all saw that ‘fight’.

Best Team Best Captain @ProudBostonian

Not Roz clarifying that yes, he knows his boyfriend likes to be poked.

Shane Defense Squad @Ijustthinkhesneat

That’s lowkey kind of problematic though? I mean, a lot of people (myself included) think that Shane may be autistic so poking at him is ableist tbh.

Pike’s Seventh Kid @pleaseadoptmejackie

Ok, Shane is a grown man who is apparently sleeping with the biggest shitstarter in the league, I think we can all safely assume that he enjoys the poking (no innuendo). 

Dash @ImHereForFootballAndHockey

Wild of you to diagnose a man you’ve never met to prove that the man he’s spent the last 7 years seeing doesn’t know how to treat him.

Ann without an e @ann3254

Did he say 2010???????

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

Their fucking rookie season

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

Oh yeah, their FUCKING rookie season alright

Laugh Live Hockey @hockeymomofthree

Wait, so was the rivalry a lie then?

Hattrick!!!! @Metrosfan342

I think we are just now learning that the rivalry was foreplay.

Mark @NotThatMarkNo

Let’s not think about how the texts confirm Hollander gets an orgasm from Rozanov for every goal scored.

Mark @NotThatMarkNo

I will never be able to look at the scoring race the same again.

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere

Guys, didn’t they both score 67 goals during their rookie season? 🤯 🤯 🤯 

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

And now we know why.

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

Shout out to my boy Marly. He doesn’t know what’s going on but he’s here for his boy regardless.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

Can’t believe Hollander will not fight Hunter to defend Roz honor. #FreeLily #FreeIlya

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain

Okay this still doesn’t mean that Scott is racist. Or that Rozanov is not a piece of shit even if he’s not a homophobe (which I still find sus, the guy is RUSSIAN).

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

I don’t know how to break it to you that Hunter for sure likes Roz more than he likes you.

One More Cup @PartyingSince2014

LOL Roz and Marly’s face when asked about Hollander punching Roz. They can’t even pretend to take him seriously.

L Fucking A Baby @We’veGotBeachesANDHockey

Has Hollander punched anyone ever?

Shanon @tampababe

I mean, he ‘fought’ Hunter but I don’t think he managed to hit him before their teams intervened.

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

Quack, quack? Quack, Quack?! Quack, Quack?!?!

Arthy @curiousandtired

So who’s the duck in this analogy?

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

Another shout out to my boy Marly for taking the opportunity presented to him to humiliate his best friend and captain.

Mrs Rozanov @Raiders8169

Is anyone else on the #RussainsDoNotBlush? I need to scream!

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Okay, okay, Lily is exactly where she wants to be.

Coffee, Books and more Coffee @GraduatingThisYear

How is he so cute?? I didn’t know Roz could make that face.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

I know!!! Those smiles, the bashfulness, the rubbing the back of his neck. Like what the hell is Hollander texting him?

24💕💕💕💕 @ShaneHollanbabe

I never thought I’d say this since it was considered blasphemy as a Shane Girlie till fifteen minutes ago but Ilya Rozanov has to be protected at all cost.

MontrealLife @cecilenotart

I thought he was the devil reincarnated but turns out he’s just a silly guy with the biggest goofy smile and the softest eyes.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

Do I approve of his relationship with Shane? HOW?

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

Told you, girls, Roz is a charmer.

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

The Raiders are having 0 mercy on their Captain, are they? Like RIP Roz reputation.

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

For real, some of those pictures are blackmail tier.

Best Team Best Captain @ProudBostonian

I mean, he is dating a Metros, had it coming if you ask me.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Okay but why do every single Raider have several pics of Roz smiling at his phone? Like I get it’s a common occurrence but were they collecting them?

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

Yes and now so are we. My folder has 27 and counting.

Oh Captain My Captain @Rozysbiceps

Yup, can confirm that collecting soft!Roz pics is not weird and actually the correct response to being exposed to them.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

Thank you Marly&Raiders for confirming my loverboy!Roz agenda.

Pike’s Seventh Kid @pleaseadoptmejackie

👀👀👀👀👀👀 Hayden Pike mention? Apparently he knew???

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates

Obviously he knew, he was Shane’s first love (and will be his last too, sorry not sorry Rozanov)

HollanovForever @8124Truther

Girl, hollanov was fucking before your boys even met.

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

I mean, Pike did have a point, I would not have taken it well if Hollzy had just come out with ‘no, guys, I don’t punch my girlfriend, I punch my boyfriend, so it’s fineee’.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

Wait, the reason why Shane has let us all believe the worst of him for over a week is that he was trying to protect Rozanov? 🥹🥹🥹

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

Dammit, I’m going to have to start liking the Montreal man, aren’t I?

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

Uhoh, Roz is in trouble.

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

Can’t blame Marly, imagine knowing that you came second to Pike at anything.

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

Jane and Lily? Oh, why are the hockey men so adorable? Need to pick them up and carry them around in my pocket.

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

Jane/Shane Lily/Ilya. Those two are truly the geniuses of a generation.

Sarah @futurejournalist87

I mean, the worst part is that they actually are? Like their friends did not catch on for almost a decade?

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

All those concussions really do a number on our players, don’t they?

Pike’s Seventh Kid @pleaseadoptmejackie

JJ also knows!!

Ali-most there @ImTryingOkay

JJ and Hayden, I knew you were two of the good ones.

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

Ok, but I feel really bad for Shane? Imagine having to explain to your friends that no, you don’t actually beat your girlfriend because some asshat online stole your texts and shared a conversation without context.

Not a Horse @MaxingMax

Imagine having to tell them that you are sleeping with Enemy Number 1 in order to convince them.

Fuck Rozanov @M3trosForLife

Oh good, I was afraid that punching Rozanov in the face was no longer the correct answer. I can sleep soundly now.

My kingdom for some coffee @JohnnyShallow

Bold of you to tweet that when #RussiansDoNotBlush has just dropped.

24💕💕💕💕 @ShaneHollanbabe

🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 

Oh Captain My Captain @Rozysbiceps

🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 🔪 

One More Cup @PartyingSince2014

Marly about to go all Capulet on Pike and JJ’s asses.

SangCheng All The Way @UNreliablenarratorguys

He’s more like a soap opera mom, he literally said ‘oh is my daughter not good enough for your son?’

Alice @pucksandjaws

So what I’m hearing is that if I tell Cliff Marleau that I have a problem with Roz and Hollander, he will let me suck his dick? Because I can become a homophobe for a day, no problem. My morals get really fucking flexible everytime I see that man’s jaw.

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

Sis, I’m gay? And you know it?

Alice @pucksandjaws

Okay? You must get where I’m coming from, then. You’ve seen the man, yeah?

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

Fair point. Does it count if I have a problem with them because of the Montreal angle? Because, really Cap, a Canadian?

Alice @pucksandjaws

It may, but get in line, pipsqueak, I have dibs.

PAY THE PRICE @WeGotHimGuys

FOURTEEN TIMES???

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Wait, why won’t Russia like this?

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_anti-LGBTQ_law

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Follow-up question, is Roz insane? Why the fuck is he blatantly breaking the law in public television.

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

He’s Roz ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Chapter 3

Chapter Notes

“Hi, котик.” Roz barely has the time to get the greeting out before he’s interrupted.

“You fucking moron, what the fuck? Do you want to end up in prison? Ilya, I swear, if you get assassinated because you thought I could not handle some people being mean to me on the internet-” Hollander cuts himself midsentence. “You put me on fucking speakerphone?”

Wow.

Like Cliff has shared the ice with Hollander before, so he already knew he was not above swearing but still, he’s impressed.

Ilya beams, his eyes snapping towards the cameras. He runs his fingers through his hair and sits a bit straighter. Even worse, Cliff is pretty sure that he’s also flexing his arms. 

“Are you watching my interview, любимый?” he asks like he doesn’t know that every single person even tangentially into hockey tuned in to this interview the second Roz started going off the rails. 

There’s a scoff from the end of the line, “You mean the interview in which you told everyone it turns you on to piss me off? That interview?”

“I also told them it turns you on to have me piss you off,” Roz offers helpfully instead of pointing out that he had only implied both those things until just now which, in Cliff honest opinion, would have been the wise move.

“Oh, I saw,” Hollander answers dryly, though he honestly sounds more amused than angry. “So did my mom. And my dad. We were watching your game together.”

Ilya’s smile grows even bigger. If he had a tail, Cliff is certain it would be waggling right now.

“Hi Yuna, hi David,” he says waving at the camera like an overeager child. “Did you like my hat trick? I scored a goal for each of my favorite Hollanders.”

“It was very nice, son,” an older voice comes from Hollanders’ phone. It’s very low, like the man is speaking from far away from the phone, but since Ilya has the speaker against the microphone, they all understand him clearly.

“Not now, dad!” Hollander yells.

“Tell him to ask Connors what the hell is up with him today. That boy does not deserve to have an assist on the boards for this game, you and Ilya are the only ones that could have managed to score with that sloppy mess of a pass he made.”

Ouch. Like true (Cliff is pretty sure Connie showed up to the game hungover as hell and he’s no longer young enough to skate it off) but still, brutal.

“Oh my god, Mom! So not the time!”

“It’s fine Yuna, I promise to whip him up to shape so he doesn’t disappoint you next game,” Roz vows solemnly. To an outside observer he must look like he’s joking but his eyes are dead serious.

Cliff winces in sympathy, knowing that Connie will be skating till he drops next practice.

Then again, Connie really should have known better. It may be early in the season but that’s not an excuse to underperform. Especially when Ilya ‘Oh, I’m so lazy, I only train like fourteen hours a day’ Rozanov is your captain. 

LeClaire, like a true Raider, is already recovering from Roz’ latest attack on his sanity and the colour is finally starting to return to his face. Unfortunately for Connie, he’s also nodding along to Roz’s threads to his life so the guy’s screwed screwed. Oh well, sucks to be him.

There’s some shuffling from the phone that probably means that Hollander has left the room so he can yell at Roz in peace.

“I think we have bigger problems than-” Hollander suddenly cuts himself off. “Wait, did you say you scored a goal for each of your favorite Hollanders?”

Roz’s smile turns a bit mean.

“I did,” he confirms, blinking innocently like a liar. “Is a problem?”

“Well, no, it’s just that’s not how favorites work,” Hollander grumbles because he’s apparently a toddler. “By definition you can only have one.”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” Roz unabashedly lies, and Marly knows that Hollander is not going to like what he says next. “Then I guess I can dedicate them all to David.”

“My dad?” Hollander splutters. “He’s your favorite?”

He sounds so affronted, which is hilarious and makes no goddamn sense. Did he miss the part of the interview where Roz unashamedly admitted to flirting like a schoolboy in the playground? Hollander should be used to all the pigtail pulling by now.

“Is that not okay? He’s very nice, learning to cook Russian dishes for me,” Roz teases. His voice had gone a bit soft though, which lets Marly (and the millions of probable viewers) know that there’s some truth to his statement. “And I hear he also used to play hockey for McGill, that’s cool, no?"

“You didn’t even know what McGill was before I explained it,” Shane grumbles again. “I play for the actual Metros, Ilya. We are one of the Original Six teams."

He must be doing it on purpose, right?

There’s no way he gave Roz that opening by accident.

“I know милый, but it’s okay, I don’t hold that against you most of the time,” Roz promises earnestly. Then he smirks, “Is why you are my third favorite Hollander still.”

“Third?! Fuck you,” Hollander says wich Cliff suposes is fair, after all he’s used to second place. Must be hard, being downgraded to third.

Ilya shakes his head, “You know I am usually always down for phone sex but maybe let’s not do this while your parents are listening, okay, sweetheart?”

“That’s not what I…Oh, forget it.” Hollander tells him. And then proceeds to immediately bring it up again. “How on earth is mom beating me?” 

The way he says ‘mom’ is a bit rude in Cliff’s opinion.

“She did get me the Bugatti sponsorship,” Roz shrugs, which explains how he managed that after years of only shitty sport-drinks commercials. “They sent me beautiful, beautiful free car, Hollander.”

Oh! That’s where that silver baby came from. Cliff is so fucking jealous. He’s going to have to flatter Mama Hollander and try to get on her good books. Maybe he can bring her flowers? Which ones say ‘I’m sorry I send your son to the hospital please help me renegotiate my Thinking Cup deal so I can finally go to Dunkin without having to wear five layers of disguises’?

“I could buy you a car,” is the not at all petulant reply. Also like, he knows Hollander makes more bank than the rest of his team combined but really? He’d buy an ultra-luxury car just to jump up a position in a meaningless ranking? (This is Hollander, of course he would, man, he and Roz are really perfect for each other). “And anyway, stop trying to distract me when I’m supposed to be mad at you.”

And Roz honest to god pouts.

“But I don’t like it when you are mad at me,” he whines like a child.

Cliff has to cover his face with his hand. This is so embarrassing. What has his captain been reduced to?

“Yeah, you do,” Hollander corrects him. “You just told the whole world that you do.”

And now he sounds so soft that Cliff feels like he is intruding on their moment. Their moment that they are having in front of twenty or so journalists and on live tv.

“So Hollander,” he says, breaking it on purpose to remind the two idiots that they are, in fact, not alone. “Why do you refuse to fight for our Cap’s honor? That’s not cool, man.”

“Because your captain is an asshole that knew exactly what he was doing when he started winding up Scott and got what was coming for him,” Hollander immediately answers.

“Wow,” Cliff entones. “I think I know why you are his least favorite Hollander.”

“I’m not his least favorite!” 

Cliff has to suppress a snort. This is fun! Maybe Roz’s tastes are not as weird as he thought.

He shrugs, making sure the camera catches it, “Just saying, man, maybe if you punched the old man for him, Roz would like you more than your parents.”

“I already did that!”

Cliff is about to ask a follow up question when Roz interrupts.

“Marly, stop flirting with my man, only I get to do this,” he orders.

Cliff rolls his eyes but also raises his hands in surrender, just in case Roz isn’t completely joking (he does not want to do suicides tomorrow).

“Now, дорогой, keep talking about how you committed elder abuse for me,” he demands. “It is very hot.”

“Not on your life,” Hollander answers immediately.

“But Shane, I really want to know, please? You never tell me what that fight was about,” he whines again. 

“It’s stupid,” Hollander insists, and yeah, he’s definitely playing hard to get, on speaker phone, while his boy is on live tv. (Marly knows he already thought that but it bears repeating, those two are insane.)

“But you've never dropped gloves for me during a game and I’m better chirper,” Roz tells him, and the pout is back in full force. “It’s not fair. How did the dinosaur manage it? I want to know.”

“Oh my god, you are so exhausting,” Hollander says in an annoyed tone that manages to convince literally no one. “He just told me I was starting to sound like you, okay? And I thought he knew about us. Also it was not during a game, it was afterwards, I’m not stupid enough to get a penalty over a handful of words. Can we now focus on the shitshow you’ve started, please?"

The answer is obviously not, Roz doesn’t look like he wants to drop it and who’s going to stop him? 

The reporters don’t look like they dare to breathe, lest they interrupt and ruin the most exciting presser of their careers. LeClaire, who has clearly given up on gaining any semblance of control over the situation, has taken out his phone and is clearly busy messaging with management about what to do with the whole situation. And Cliff is having too much fun to do his job as the Roz wrangler today (he likes drama, he admits it, but who doesn’t?)

“How would Hunter even know about you two?” he wonders out loud. 

Gaydar is a thing, he knows. But it’s like vibes based, right? Not like a superpower. So how would Hunter know when he and Pike didn’t?

“This idiot gave me his room number in front of him,” Hollander explains.

“Me and Shane had sex in the room next to his during All Stars,” Roz says at the same time.

Of course they did.

“Ilya! Don’t tell them that!”  Hollander protests.

“I think they already know we fuck, Hollander,” Roz points out. “The texts made that very clear.”

“You still don’t need to say it on public television with my parents watching,” he says. “And don’t swear where they can hear you either.”

Which remainds Cliff, “Didn’t you call your boyfriend a fucking moron in front of your parents?”

“... No?” Hollander sounds like a little kid being caught with cookies he’s not supposed to have. “Ilya just take me off speakerphone, already. We need to actually talk about this.”

To Cliff's surprise (and a bit to his sorrow) Ilya actually obeys, and holds his phone to his ear while the whole room goes even quieter, everybody straining in a futile attempt to hear Hollander’s side of the conversation.

“I know, I know, but now it’s fixed,” Roz said, sounding softer than Cliff has ever heard him.

‘Fixed’ is one way to put it. ‘On fire’ is another. But well, no one is going to be calling Hollander a misogynist on twitter today, that’s true.

“It’s fine, I don’t care,” Roz promises and for just a second his tone turns into steel.

It doesn’t last long, immediately after he’s back to flirting, “Oh, but you’ll take care of me, won’t you?”

Hollander's answer must be something else because Roz visibly melts and tells him, “I won’t, I promise.”

Then he winks at the camera.

“Maybe I will need a Canadian passport, any ideas on how I could get one?”

He’s tugging on a curl and absolutely failing to pass off his comment as a joke.

Cliff makes a mental note to try on his good suit and to start researching how to throw a gay bachelor party. Or wait, is Roz even gay? He likes sleeping with girls, doesn’t he? Is he like gay for Hollander? Or half and half or something? He’ll have to ask his cousin (she goes to college in San Fran and has short hair, she’ll know about these things).

Ilya huffs at the response he gets from his man and turns towards the camera.

“Apparently I have to specify that that was a joke,” he says, rolling his eyes. “When I marry Shane Hollander it will not be because of stupid visa, it will be because we love each other very, very much. Are you happy, now солнышко?” 

He must not be, because Ilya sighs again, and turns towards LeClaire this time. 

LeClaire senses his gaze and raises his head from his phone, looking extremely wary.

“Coach, are the Raiders going to fire me and leave me without a working visa so I get deported back to Russia and face up to sixteen years in prison?” he asks casually.

Cliff straightens out. Sixteen fucking years in prision? Is that what Roz meant with ‘not liking it’? No wonder Hollander was pissed. So is Cliff now that he realizes just exactly how high the cliff (HA) his best friend has yeeted himself off is. 

LeClaire sighs. “Was not the plan, no. I may strangle you, though. And Laura will want to have another word with you about media training.”

Cliff relaxes a bit. LeClaire looks like he wants to kill Roz but in a normal way, and if he’s fine with this situation, management will probably be too. 

(Also Roz has just come out in an extremely public way, and made sure all their fans know what could happen to him if the Raiders tossed him out. If management tries to sack their captain (who got them a fucking Cup!!) over this, leaving him in danger of getting locked up in a Siberian jailcell, there’s going to be blood on the streets.)

(Uh, so maybe Roz has put more thought into his coming out than Cliff had thought. That or the bastard has, once again, gotten extremely lucky.)

Roz nods, gravely, and says to the phone, “I may need you to rescue me after all, sweetheart. Laura is very powerful and very scary lady. She will take my twitter account away from me and then who will tell Hunter where the best retirement homes in New York are?”

Whatever Hollander answers makes Roz laugh. 

“Okay,” he says.

“Okay,” he repeats with fond exasperation.

And he ends with an unbearably soft, “I love you too.”

Roz hangs up the phone with a smile so big it almost doesn’t fit in his face, and Cliff cannot help himself.

“Brother, he’s got you whipped.”

“You are just jealous I got someone willing to date me,” Roz returns, which is a bit rude in Cliff’s opinion. He has no problem getting people to date him, the problem is convincing them to keep doing so when he’s on the road for what feels like half the year. “Anyway, I guess I should finish this before Laura comes to drag me to her office by the ear.”

Ilya smiles his professional ‘I’m going to eat you’ smile and turns towards the reporters, who all straighten up, looking like a car has runned them over but it was a gold car that was driving on the sidewalk so they know they’ll be able to sue the bastard for millions and be set for life once their bones start healing. 

“First of all, Shane Hollander is very good boyfriend who keeps my favorite foods and drinks in his homes even though he’d rather die than eat them because he’s on stupid bird diet. He also carries my bags for me. This is stupid, I can do that with or without bruised ribs, but he won’t let me because he has to be perfect gentleman all the time. Also he worries a lot when I do stupid shit like come out to the world while having Russian passport. That makes him yell and swear a bit, which is cute, and then he moves on to mobilizing an army of lawyers so they can fix my visa status under threat of Yuna, which is really hot.” 

Well, it’s a bit rude to brag like that when he knows Cliff got dumped a month ago. And how come no one’s ever offered to carry the bags for him? Like sure, he is big and strong or whatever, so it makes sense for him to carry the heavy things, he gets that. Still, his last girlfriend complained when he asked her to carry his sunglasses in her bag! How is that fair?

“Second,” Roz continues, “I do not need to be saved from anyone, least of all my very nice boyfriend. The person that posted our private text may have thought she was doing me a favour by ‘exposing’ my Shane, but I’m in a lot more danger now than I was before, so fuck you.” 

Cliff nods along, going through someone else's phone is so not cool.

“Third, Shane and I are still better than you, at everything but especially at hockey. People are going to have opinions about us and our relationship. Those opinions mean nothing and we have the Cups and trophies to prove it. You want to accuse us of cheating? Do so with actual game examples and be prepared to have my hockey-obsessed boyfriend destroy you with stats. And yeah, we suck cock, we are very good at that also, but it has not magically made us bad at our jobs. Got it?”

If anything, statistical evidence shows that sucking cock makes people better at hockey, right? Players confirmed to do so are Hunter (unless he’s like a really shitty boyfriend), Hollander (Roz bragged enough about his ‘Jane’ for Cliff to know he’s a pro) and Roz (who’s always been proud of his mouth game and not shy at all about sharing tips with the boys, mostly on how to satisfy women but there’s no way he hasn’t also perfected how to do so to men too, or at the very least, learned enough to comfortably compete with Hollander about who’s better). 

Point is, three of the highest scorers of the league all do it, so there must be something there. Cliff is pretty sure that that’s how statistics work.

“Good. So here’s what’s going to happen,” Roz informs the reporters and viewers. “Everyone that posted something in the stupid Free Lily hashtag is going to tweet an apology to my boyfriend. I think #SorryShane is a bit boring but so is my Shane so let’s use that. And anyone that makes my boyfriend feel self-conscious or guilty about how he texts me is going to get punched in the face because I don’t want him changing a thing. Also, also,” he points at the camera, “Laura may take my official account but I have burners, so I will see what you post.” His gaze moves towards the reporters again and holds eye contact with them while saying, “I will also see what articles you write. I cannot threaten you with violence, or Laura will actually kill me, but I’m sure all your papers will want quotes and interviews and photographs. Anyone that insults my boyfriend is getting none, okay?”

The reporters all frantically nod.

“Great,” Roz says, clapping his hands. “Then, since you’ve all been very good and quiet while I talked to my Shane, I will answer questions now. Who wants to start?”

Cliff had thought he knew the meaning of the word ‘loud’ but at that moment, two dozen reporters prove him completely and utterly wrong.

Arthy @curiousandtired

Speakerphone? He answered it on speaker phone?!

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

He did and we are all grateful for it.

Katey @katekate4

Shane swears??!?!?!

Metros Dynasty @metrofan1975

Oh yeah, we knew that already, man sometimes stops mid interview and you can see him trying to come up with a polite alternative to what he was going to say.

Hattrick!!!! @Metrosfan342

Also they’ve never mic’ed him up.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Shane Hollander just called his ‘girlfriend’ a ‘fucking moron’ and all I can say is: he is right, and he should say it. (ROZ STOP BREAKING THE LAW LIVE!!!)

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

Oh god, Roz is down bad, like look at the man, he’s basically a puppy!

Oh Captain My Captain @Rozysbiceps

Roz stop flexing, we all know you are hot already

Best Team Best Captain @ProudBostonian

Also it’s a bit embarrassing, like yeah, show off for your man but at least pretend to play it cool?

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

‘You are watching my interview’??? That’s what he opens with??

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

Love really is a disease.

Coffee, Books and more Coffee @GraduatingThisYear

When your boyfriend explains your kink dynamic on live tv and you are watching with your parents 🙃 🙃 🙃 

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

Ok but the image of all Hollanders sitting down to watch Roz’ game is actually really cute.

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

He’s met the parents already?

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere

I need to know how that meeting went. Did Hollander just bring him home and introduce him like ‘yeah this is my boyfriend, you may have heard about him before’?

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo

Hollander: ‘Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend’, Ilya Russian Greatest Love Machine, The Terror of Boston, Hockey’s Red Menace, Biggest Shitstarter in the League Rozanov: ‘Hi’

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

Hollander Senior and The Yuna Hollander are funny as hell.

Shane Defense Squad @Ijustthinkhesneat

Shane’s dad calls Rozanov ‘son’? 🥹 

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

Chat can I get an F for our boy Connor? He messed up in front of Roz’ mother in law and will have to pay for it.

Best Team Best Captain @ProudBostonian

F

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

F

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

F

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

F

Sarah @futurejournalist87

Someone is jealous…

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

Of his own parents XD 

Oh Captain My Captain @Rozysbiceps

Good to know Roz is not the only embarrassingly whipped one.

24💕💕💕💕 @ShaneHollanbabe

The way Shane stopped mid sentence during his scolding because he needed to make sure his boyfriend liked him the most.

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

The way that I’d bet my house Roz knew that would be his reaction and decided to use it to escape the doghouse.

Not a Horse @MaxingMax

‘That’s not how favourites work’ LMAO

One More Cup @PartyingSince2014

Shane be for real here.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

Leave my Shane alone, he just wants to hear that he’s Rozanov's most favorite especial Hollander, okay?

Ali-most there @ImTryingOkay

You know when Roz said he ragebaited Hollander as a way of flirting I couldn’t see how that’d work. Now however…

My kingdom for some coffee @JohnnyShallow

oh yeah, no like Roz knows exactly what he’s doing with that one.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Fucking virtuoso, playing that man like a fiddle.

 

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

Sure Roz, David Hollander is your favorite. We believe you, now stop flirting with Shane and focus on the presser you are supposed to be giving.

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Hollander Senior learning Russian cuisine for Roz 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭 

Shanon @tampababe

Right? Especially since Roz is probably not going back to Russia anytime soon.

 

Hockey Player and Future Mathematician @YeahIHateMyself

McGill mention!!!!!

McGill’s Cap @FrankFromLit

Ilya fucking Rozanov has heard about us???????

Where’s the Gym? @RunningFromTheLibrary

I think I need to lay down.

McGill’s Cap @FrankFromLit

Okay Hollander, I get you are jealous but you didn’t need to come after us like this.

Where’s the Gym? @RunningFromTheLibrary

I am sorry we are not an Original Six team, I guess?

Hockey Player and Future Mathematician @YeahIHateMyself

Boys, BOYS, this means that at some point The Shane Hollander sat The Ilya Rozanov down and told him about us! Do you think he showed him one of our games?

Where’s the Gym? @RunningFromTheLibrary

Maybe from back when his dad was playing so like, fifty years ago.

Coach Noah @ThoseAreMyMonkeysSorry

Thirty years ago, actually, and I was on that team too, so less lip or you’ll be doing suicides tomorrow.

McGill’s Cap @FrankFromLit

Sorry coach.

Hockey Player and Future Mathematician @YeahIHateMyself

Sorry. Also, do you still talk with Hollander Senior? Could you get us a signed jersey maybe?

Coach Noah @ThoseAreMyMonkeysSorry

I do and I could, but I won’t. Unless you win us the U Cup, then I may change my mind.

Liar. Liar told you that @ChirpingIsLife 

Of course Roz is putting Hollander third.

Hollzy4President @AliceOnSkates 

I think ‘third’ must be the word that both Roz and Hollzy hate the most.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

Right? Because they are used to losing to each other. But losing to someone else? Oh that’s insulting.

MontrealLife @cecilenotart

And/or cheating, I think.

Not that Lily @ HockeyNewbieLily

Cheating as in throwing a game because they are too good to lose to anyone else?

MontrealLife @cecilenotart

Oh no, no, cheating as in sleeping with someone else.

Put Hayes in the crease @WeirdGoaliesAreTheBest 

Okay, I know this is crazy. But here me out for one second: Does Shane Hollander actually have a personality?

Two Times Cup Winner @StanleysMetros 

I KNOW! Where’s my media trained robot? Who’s this funny little guy that gets in competitions with his parents over his boyfriend’s affections?

My kingdom for a decent goalie @cens4life 

I think. I THINK. that maybe Hollander is actually a human being and not a goal scoring machine?

 

I would read 50k of that @HockeyRPF 

For the freaks keeping count: we can add phone sex to the canon Hollanov list.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

They live 5 hours away from each other, I think we all already had phone sex down as a given.

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

I KNEW IT!!!! I KNEW SOMEONE HAD BLESSED US THIS SEASON!! TURNS OUT IT WAS MAMA HOLLANDER ALL ALONG!!!!

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Let’s all thank Yuna Hollander for finally getting Roz commercials that make him take his shirt off

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

And get him in wet, clingy clothes.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

And in leather on motorcycles.

UQAM donne-moi mon diplôme @MetrosDonnezMoiUnJob 

The woman knows what sells and I respect that.

Lesbians do it better @WatchWomensHockey

Okay, honest question, if you come out to your mother and her reaction is to start pimping out your boyfriend  to all the major brands are you grateful or mad?

UQAM donne-moi mon diplôme @MetrosDonnezMoiUnJob 

Grateful, Roz has probably made more in advertising this season than in all the others combined.

Queer on  Ice @QueerAndCenter 

Mad. Have you seen the response to those ads? Now every person on the planet wants Roz.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight

Counterpoint: everybody already wanted Roz and thanks to those ads, all Hollander has to do to get a shirtless pic of his long-distance boyfriend is google it.

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

Because I’m sure Roz is shy and never wants to send nudes?

Not that Lily @HockeyNewbieLily

The man may be more than willing to provide but they are in a secret relationship, they can’t keep that shit in their phones, can they? 

Lesbians do it better @WatchWomensHockey

Considering their masterplan to conceal their relationship included the codenames ‘Jane’ and ‘Lily’ I would bet money that those two don’t even use locked folders.

Student loans are killing me @TrendyAndy 

I could buy you a car?? I COULD BUY YOU A CAR???

UQAM donne-moi mon diplôme @MetrosDonnezMoiUnJob 

I mean the man is a millionaire…

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

When you want to be a sugar daddy but your boyfriend is as rich as you are and your mom keeps getting his favorite brands to gift him what he wants anyway 😔😔 😔 

I would read 50k of that @HockeyRPF 

Truly, no one’s ever had it as hard as Hollander.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

That’s what Roz said 😏 😏 😏 

Where are your skates? @ExhaustedHockeyMom 

Is Roz five? Because I swear that I’ve heard my toddler use that exact same tone when I tell him to put his toys away.

I Ship it @Ennemies2Lovers4Life 

I know, it’s embarrassing! But also it’s somehow doing it for me?

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

Girl , I get it!!! Like for some reason him whining on camera and being pathetic is the hottest I’ve found this man.

Josh @mtrlfan703 

I know I said this was a PR stun but I think they may actually be in love with each other?

Harassed Intern @IReplacedMyBloodWithCoffee 

Oh no, yeah, there’s no way anyone in PR approved any of this. This has to be real.

 

Cliff Marl-OH! @MarlysBiggestFan 

Marly asking the real questions here.

Toronto 4 the Win ! @TorontoBestTeam 

Doubling down with the ‘he was asking to be punched’? Not a great look Hollander.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Roz said in an interview in 2015 that his greatest achievement in life was being voted first in the ‘player I want to punch the most’ poll every single year since he was drafted. Hollzy is just appreciating his boyfriend’s craft.

Toronto 4 the Win ! @TorontoBestTeam 

Rozanov won the Cup in 2014?

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

Yes and he bagged Hollander in  2010. Your point?

Cliff Marl-OH! @MarlysBiggestFan 

Marly coming for Hollander’s life there.

Raiders on the Road @RaidersRaiding 

As he should. If Hollander wants to date our Captain, he’s going to have to prove himself to our team first.

That's our Captain! @Raiders81 

Agreed. I don’t trust these Montreal boys hiding behind their manners and media speak, Marly should make sure that his intentions are pure.

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

At least we know he can afford the dowry.

LA on Ice @FlyMeToTheNet 

Oh so you are giving him away now? Because if so, we want him too. We have no Shane Hollander but I’m sure we can find a suitor for him amongst the Hollywood crowd.

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

NEVER

That's our Captain! @Raiders81 

That’s our fucking Captain!

Raiders on the Road @RaidersRaiding

How dare you? Roz is retiring a Raider or I’m burning the front office down.

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

 Marly teasing Hollander is giving me ideas 👀 👀 👀  #Marhollanov anyone?

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

Nevermind, apparently Roz doesn't share.

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

MY MAN. MY MAN. MY MAN

MontrealLife @cecilenotart

See? I told you they consider losing to other people cheating! Look at how jealous Roz is that Hollander has never tried to punch him!!

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Hollander folding in 0.5 seconds… I know what you are.

Scott Hunter the man that you are @AdmirablesAdmirals 

WAIT! Are we getting the fight reveal????

Scott Hunter the man that you are @AdmirablesAdmirals 

IT WAS ABOUT ROZANOV ALL ALONG????

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

Of course his reasoning for punching poor Scott is tied to Rozanov 🙄 🙄 🙄  

New York New York @ BestAdmiralHunter 

Yeah, they may be gay too but that doesn’t excuse how they treat our boy.

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

It’s giving internalized homophobia tbh

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

You all need serious help.

Queer on Ice @QueerAndCenter 

Did Scott ‘Poster boy for the Gays’ Hunter threaten to out Hollander in the fucking ice?

I'm New here @babyhockeyfan 

I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that!

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

yeah, Hollander was just projecting

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy 

I don’t care how he meant it, he freaked out our baby Shane so now he must die.

We have the cutest Captain, deal with it @MetrosGirl 

Yeah! He looked so scared! It was a total dick move.

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy 

And he did so by implying that sounding like our Roz was a bad thing somehow?

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

I know, right? Like I’m sorry you don’t have a personality outside being the queer representation mascot? Leave Roz’ boy alone, you dinosaur!

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy 

Can’t believe I’m saying this, but Rozbunnies, we ride at down?

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy 

We’ll be there, Shane girlies, we’ll be there.

My kingdom for a decent goalie @cens4life 

Truly, this is the weirdest timeline.

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

So who’s writing the fic where Scott is listening to them through the wall?

And there was only one bed @AO3Hockey 

And who is writing the fic where he joins in?

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count 

I… may have already written something like this years ago? (Scott listening, not joining in, sorry, wanted to play with the angst of being queer and alone while these two that always beat him get it on with each other) 

I would read 50k of that @HockeyRPF 

You’ll have to add the canon compliance tag then.

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count 

🤯 🤯 🤯 🤯 🤯 

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

FYI, the only time I’ve had the misfortune to get a room next to Rozanov’s during an ASG was in 2011.

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

WTF?!!?!

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

2011??? 2011?!?!?!?!?

And there was only one bed @AO3Hockey 

Did you hear anything interesting that night? Maybe suspicious sounds coming from next door?

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

Scotty you cannot just drop this and bounce!

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

We want answers!!!

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

**Short video clip of the 2011 all stars game, with Ilya skating past the bench where Shane and Scott are, saying something and leaving. The camera zooms in to Scott doing the live slug reaction face**

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

Sir???? What are you trying to tell us?

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

Oh, this is going to keep me fed for ages.

I would read 50k of that @HockeyRPF 

Good to know that Scott is as messy as the rest of us.

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

Oh yeah, it’s become very clear that you two do indeed fuck.

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

Good point there, Shane, I forgot that virtually everybody you know (including your parents) is watching this presser.

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

He obey guys, he obey!!!

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

I mean, if the order came from those big brown eyes, I’d obey too

Shanon @tampababe

Strict!Shane is doing something to me.

Pan and Proud of it @ ThereAreTooManyPrettyPeople 

Strict? That man offered to buy a car worth more than my AND my parent’s houses put together because Rozanov made a passing remark about liking them.

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy 

The man folds the second Roz pouts at him and honestly, I get it.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

God forbid a man wants to spoil his boyfriend 🙄

Liar. Liar told you that @ ChirpingIsLife 

Okay so apparently the #RussiansDoNotBlush pictures did not do Roz justice? He’s even more whipped than we thought?

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy 

How is he so soft????

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Like fuck Hollander, actually. Oh look at me, I got two Stanley Cups, the coolest parents ever and my boyfriend is a cutter-cut example of the bad boy with a heart of gold that turns soft for me and only me cliche.

We have the cutest Captain, deal with it @MetrosGirl 

Okay but have we considered that Rozanov literally melted the over-achieving ice-princess’ heart? Like both of this guys should go fuck themselves actually.

Hot Hockey Boys Spotted @ImJustHereForTheHottiesOnIce 

Or fuck each other.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

Boy do I have some news for you.

Carolina’s Year @AidenHockeyStuff

‘Now it’s fixed’ he says. FIXED.

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo 

I mean, I do no longer think Shane should be cancelled for mistreating his girlfriend.

3 Cups When? @ MetroSinceBirth 

Maybe you lot could cancel him for his clear conflict of interest. Or is the woke mob too afraid to go after the gays???

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

… Roz really needs to work on his definition of ‘fixed’.

Fuck it we stan @ChirpingGoldMedalist81 

Roz truly does not give a fuck about his situation, does he?

🌹 @NotRoseLandry 

I mean, if I had Shane Hollander offering to buy me cars on a whim and Yuna Hollander managing my modeling career, I would also sleep soundly at night.

Soft Boy Roz @HeartOfBlackAndGold 

And David Hollander feeding me my childhood meals. Let’s not forget Roz’s favorite Hollander, people!

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Did Roz just propose?

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous 

Did he do the ‘hahha just joking… Unless…’ move?

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

Oh man, I can’t defend him from this one. I have failed at my one true mission.

Boston Best Town @WhatIfHatTrick 

Not on you, look at our boy Marly, even HE thinks Roz is an embarrassment right now.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

It comes with being a cocksucker.

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

Who invited you?

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Gtfo of my replies.

We have the cutest Captain, deal with it @MetrosGirl 

WHEN I marry Shane Hollander! WHEN I MARRY Shane Hollander!!!!

Olé Olé Olé Montréal @ LaCoupeàLaMaison

Joke’s on him, no way this is more than a fling for Shane.

Moi aussi j'veux un Shane @ ShaneGirlieAndProud 

Oh yeah, Shane Hollander, famous for being casual about things.

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy 

Who also does not care about his public image at all and always acts recklessly which is why this call has not been surprising at all for any of us.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

THE L WORD! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! ROZ USED THE L WORD

Mrs Rozanov @Raiders8169

If you had shown me this tweet this morning, I would have been so fucking sure that the L word was lesbians.

PAY THE PRICE @WeGotHimGuys

I’m sorry, did he say prison?

Mighty Minnesota @SoarMyDucklings 

Did he say 16 years?

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

WTF?!??!

Josh @mtrlfan703

But like gay marriage is legal now? People don’t go to jail for being homos anymore.

SangCheng All The Way @UNreliablenarratorguys

You do realize that America is not the whole world, right?

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

People get killed for being ‘homos’ still in some places.

Josh @mtrlfan703

You are fucking kidding me? I thought you guys had already fixed it?

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

Yeah, so I’m going to send you some links so you can see how much ‘not fixed’ shit is, even in America.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124 

Get yourself a man that risks a decade and half in prison to defend you from the haters.

Do you want some Ace with that? @GimmeAStickToPokeYouWith 

How about no? My blood pressure could not cope with that level of unhingeness, thank you. 

 

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

Okay, Roz is indeed a fucking moron. Hollander, you are forgiven for insulting our Captain.

Raiders on the Road @RaidersRaiding

LeClaire has just confirmed that the Raiders will not drop Roz so I guess I can put the gasoline down.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Let’s keep it close just in case for now.

That's our Captain! @Raiders81 

@OfficialBostonRaiders Just and FYI, if you drop Roz, I will find all of you and skin you alive.

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

Two words, @OfficialBostonRaiders: meat. toboggan.

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

SAO Abridge reference, nice! But also, @OfficialBostonRaiders, we are not fucking joking, you betray our Captain and you will lose every fucking thing you’ve ever loved.

Black and Gold since 1967 @DylanFromBoston 

Look, I don’t fuck with the queers, but Roz is a fucking god and the only reason we are back to making the playoff basically every year, so @OfficialBostonRaiders if the man wants to suck a dick, then you let him suck a dick. You let him suck ALL the dicks. That man leaves us for a woker team and me and my boys will drop by the ring with power tools.

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

Why would anyone want to media train Roz? He’s the only player who’s pressers are worth watching.

What did I miss ? @PerpetuallyTired 

I get what you mean, I do. But, I mean, he did just come out/maybe cause an international incident for the lols.

Hollanov is Canon. What even is Life @HollanovTruther 

He was protecting his man!

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

God forbid a man does anything.

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

Why does Rozanov always have to bring up Scott? Does he have a crush on him or something? Maybe Shane Hollander should be worried.

We have the cutest Captain, deal with it @MetrosGirl 

Shane Hollander is not afraid of dinosaurs.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Awwww, the Shane Girlies are learning how to chirp. I’m so proud.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

Okay guys, you know what to do. Let’s put Roz’s mind at ease @ScottHunterOfficial: https://amsterdamcares.org/

Pike’s Seventh Kid @pleaseadoptmejackie

@ScottHunterOfficial: https://www.carnegieeast.org/

PAY THE PRICE @WeGotHimGuys

@ScottHunterOfficial: https://www.atriaseniorliving.com

L Fucking A Baby @We’veGotBeachesANDHockey

@ScottHunterOfficial: https://brooklynheightssl.com/

Shanon @tampababe

@ScottHunterOfficial: https://www.sunriseseniorliving.com

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

@ScottHunterOfficial: https://www.moonlightseniorliving.com (not joking)

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

I mean, obv joking about SH, but my grandma went there and it was nice.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks 

Second ily, ladies and gentlemen.

Mrs Rozanov @Raiders8169 

I feel like ily right before hanging up doesn't actually count though.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks 

You said it to the pizza place, didn't you?

Mrs Rozanov @Raiders8169

SHUT UP!

Fuck it we stan @ChirpingGoldMedalist81 

I don’t think ‘whipped’ describes the level of down-badness that Roz is exhibiting.

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

we are going to have to invent a new word just for him.

Let me drive the Zamboni @ IWantToBeTall 

Good thinking. This way we’ll know what to call Hollzy when he offers to buy Roz a house because he can’t find a hotel room nearby that he likes.

 

Alice @pucksandjaws

I hate contradicting Roz, but I volunteer!!! I volunteer to date Marly. Pretty please?

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

Sis have some self respect, please.

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

@CliffMarlyOfficial just wanted to say that if you want to try guys in solidarity with Roz, I’m free every evening and morning.

Alice @pucksandjaws

You did not tag the man after telling me to have some self respect.

That's our Captain! @Raiders81 

Did Roz just use the plural for homes??

Mrs Hollanders do you take interns? @ IwantToBeBadass

Hollzy has at least three.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

And apparently they are all well stocked with Roz favorites.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

Shane is a gentleman!!!!

Hollandry’s daughter @TheyAreOnABreak

We knew that already from the Landry era.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

That name is not allowed in Boston

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

PLEASE PLEASE don’t say the L word near our Captain, we cannot survive more bag skates!

🌹 @NotRoseLandry 

I hear she’s actually really nice?

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

*gif of people crossing themselves to guard from evil*

Fuck Yeah, Metros @Joeoldtimeyhockey

If someone tried to carry my bags for me, I’d be lowkey insulted, lbh.

JayJason @Youdon’tknowme

Roz’s masculinity is not made of glass though.

And there was only one bed @AO3Hockey 

So Roz likes being yelled up and has a competence kink ✍️ ✍️ ✍️ 

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count 

The amount of intel we are getting in this interview is wild.

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

In hindsight, going through Shane’s phone was kind of a dick move.

Queer on Ice @QueerAndCenter 

Yeah, like she forced them out of the closet before they were ready which really fucking sucks (talking from experience and I’m not even famous)

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo 

FINALLY! I’ve been saying that this was the bigger issue since the beginning.

Lesbians do it better @WatchWomensHockey 

Girl, you wanted to dismember Hollander in the public square and we have receipts.

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

Way to rub it in, Roz.

Do you want some Ace with that? @GimmeAStickToPokeYouWith 

I mean, is he wrong though?

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

They are both generational talents, no one can doubt that.

3 Cups When? @MetroSinceBirth 

We can doubt their integrity though.

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

Fine, then do as Roz says and point at a specific game.

3 Cups When? @ MetroSinceBirth 

Since Rozanov is being a bitch about it, I will say it. Here’s a game when these two clearly played badly on purpose: last season's last game before the ASG.

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

So who exactly had we decided would win it? Because while I admit that we both played terribly (we only managed an average number of points!) neither of us had a clear advantage over the other.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

I mean Montreal won so…

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

Montreal won thanks to a great goal from Hayden (which I did not assist) and a goal from Comeau (that happened when I wasn’t even on the ice). How could I have influenced those goals?

Keep that woke shit out of Hockey @HenryJacobs 

You obviously told your boytoy not to outscore you.

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

Ilya had several shots that Drapeau blocked, and he (unlike me) did manage one goal (the only one for his team). He played arguably better than I did. And anyway, if we wanted Montreal to win, why would we both play badly?

Keep that woke shit out of Hockey @ HenryJacobs 

So it wouldn’t look so suspicious. And because you knew your team was better than the Raiders if you took both Captains out of the equation.

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

Okay, that’s extremely debatable but I can’t contractually argue with you about the Metros being the better team. That being said, if that was the case we could have just said we were sick and not played? I think there are easier ways to cheat (not that I would actually know).

Bi Disaster @WalkingCatastrophe 

… Mr Hollander, sir, were you both a mess because you had a girlfriend?

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

Just check our stats, Ilya and I always play better when it’s against each other. Goodbye.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

#SorryShane I never should have doubted you.

Ann without an e @ann3254

#SorryShane the only prison you deserve is horny prison.

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

#SorryShane and congrats on the insane pull #RozwouldSorry

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

#SorryShane I was told you were just being freaky and I didn’t believe it.

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo

#SorryShane you should have never been cancelled for being mean to Rozanov.

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

#SorryShane I was not aware of your game

Alice @pucksandjaws

#SorryShane I know I said women should run away from you but would you call me a fucking moron too? Just once will be enough.

Hattrick!!!! @Metrosfan342

#SorryShane please do punch the boston bastard

I Ship it @Ennemies2Lovers4Life 

… That’s his boyfriend?

Hattrick!!!! @Metrosfan342

Not on the ice he isn’t. Off it he can kiss it better, idgaf

 

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

#SorryShane @ShaneHollanderOfficial Rook, you sure about this one? Because I can introduce you to some of Kip's friends.

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

Kip's friends don’t have a Cup. Or a Rocket, a Hart… I’d list them all but there’s a character limit so let’s just say that there's no way they play like he does. I doubt they look like him either. And how many of them would be brave and selfless enough to risk prison to make life simpler for me? (NO ILYA, THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT WASN'T AN INSANE THING TO DO!)

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial 

Point taken, please don’t try to fight me again.

Hockey and Stuff @SadlyFromTampa

#SorryShane, you were right, he clearly does like it.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

#SorryShane, I guess, should have known that you are not man enough to pull a girl, let alone teach her her place.

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

Damn you really went and posted that for everyone to see, did you? Brave for a man that can’t probably bench even a fifth of what Roz and Hollander can.

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

#SorryShane but I want it on the record that I was defending you from day one!

Tired And In College @marian

#SorryShane, maybe these hockey boys are alright after all.

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24

Loverboy won you over, did he?

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain

#SorryShane I still don’t like you but I can’t argue that Rozanov deserved to be punched by Scott.

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

#SorryShane, he does look good all bloodied.

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

#SorryShane should have known that a guy that spent an hour talking about his ‘rival’s’ curls and apologized to me twice for wincing while I was taking blood samples would not treat his girlfriend badly.

JayJason @Youdon’tknowme

#SorryShane for calling you a terrible boyfriend.

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

#SorryShane, Rozanov please ignore my previous advice and never ever leave this man.

Carolina’s Year @AidenHockeyStuff

#SorryShane also congrats on the 56 orgasms so far this season.

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates

#SorryShane, I’ll support you in your rebound era but please go back to your true love soon.

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore

#SorryShane, and I’m glad you are giving that boy a family now that both his parents are gone

Josh @mtrlfan703

#SorryShane, apparently the ‘chick’ is staying because he really likes your parents and free cars.

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere

Don’t forget that he carries his bags for him too.

ASL ❤️💙💛@Emiliya

A lot of people are wondering what Roz is saying in Russian so here are the translations:

котик = Kitten

любимый = Darling/Beloved 

милый = Sweetheart/Cute  

дорогой = Dear/Precious 

солнышко = Little sun/Sunshine

(I think I got them all, if I missed any, tell me and I’ll add it)

#SorryShane, that man is clearly happy where he is.

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy

Sunshine?? He calls the Shane Hollander sunshine???

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

He’s never beating the loverboy accusations, is he?

Ann without an e @ann3254

And we should not forget that he also used ‘sweetheart’ and, his favorite, MY Shane.

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

Okay, enough. I am Lily and Shane is not an abuser. Stop spreading lies. #DONTFreeLily #DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe #ILikeWhereIAm.

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

So we all agree this is a fake right? #FreeLily

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Roz did mention a burner… Any chances this is actually him?

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Just check the other tweets on the account. This is 100% Roz. #SorryShane.

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

Okay, enough. I am Lily and Shane is not an abuser. Stop spreading lies. #DONTFreeLily #DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe #ILikeWhereIAm.

Shanon @tampababe

Holy shit, the poor woman is being abused and you are impersonating her on the internet to protect her abuser? You need serious help. #FreeLily

Shanon @tampababe

#SorryShane #SorryShane #SorryShane. Mr. Rozanov I did not mean to call your boyfriend an abuser I swear!!!

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

Okay, enough. I am Lily and Shane is not an abuser. Stop spreading lies. #DONTFreeLily #DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe #ILikeWhereIAm.

Laugh Live Hockey @hockeymomofthree

See, this is why I always say that puck bunnies give us women fans a bad name. #Free Lily

Laugh Live Hockey @hockeymomofthree

#SorryShane, but I still think the two of you could keep your tweets a bit classier, you are supposed to be role models!

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

Okay, enough. I am Lily and Shane is not an abuser. Stop spreading lies. #DONTFreeLily #DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe #ILikeWhereIAm.

Pucks in the net @AllHockey2453 

Damm Hollander sure has some dedicated fans. #FreeLily

Pucks in the net @AllHockey2453 

#SorryShane, #SorryRoz I did not mean to call you a Hollander fan.

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

Okay, enough. I am Lily and Shane is not an abuser. Stop spreading lies. #DONTFreeLily #DontYouDareFuckingFreeMe #ILikeWhereIAm.

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

Shut the fuck up, girl. He will not fuck you. #FreeLily

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

This is hell. #SorryShane #SORRYROZ He totally will fuck you, I’m sorry!!!!!!

Chapter End Notes

Big thanks to Stereden (if you are in the One Piece/Competent!Buggy fandom, yes, that Stereden) who is the only reason this chapter did not take another week to come out. The thing is I had the chapter written, I had the tweets written and then it took me a week to come up with half the twitter handles (and most of them were repeats) and when I told Sterenden yesterday she offered to help and figured the rest out in only two hours (!). So yeah, a very big thank to her for her hilarious, fitting and quick suggestions.

I hope you enjoy it and thank you all for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks, the response to this fic has been incredible!!!

Chapter 4

Chapter Notes

The first question asked is the one that Roz had refused to answer before the call:

“Are you confirming that you are gay and sleeping with Shane Hollander?”

Roz sighs, looking disappointed. “No, I’m bisexual and in a relationship with Shane Hollander.”

So that answers Cliff’s question from before. Then, half and half it is.

Does that mean he’ll have to hire two strippers, one girl and one guy, for the bachelor party? He can ask St. Vic to give him the number of the agency he used for his divorce celebration (depressing affair, really, nothing worse than seeing your boy swearing this is the best thing that’s ever happened to him while crying into his drink and ignoring the poor dancer to check if his ex has texted him back yet). 

But will that agency have guys as well? Or will he have to hit up Hunter for a rec? Wait! He’s pretty sure he has Vaughn’s number from that epic bar crawl in 2013, and he’s a true boy’s boy so he for sure will have done research just in case Hunter decides to tie the knot with Cup-kiss guy. Cliff will just call him and ask (while maybe rubbing in his face that his Cap wins at the whole gay thing too. After all, he bagged Hollander, will get gay-married first and for sure has slept with more guys than Hunter, that’s a gay hat trick right there!) 

(Also he could ask Vaughn for tips on how to keep the locker room in line and on Roz’ corner, because so far all he has is: ‘talk shit, get hit’, and he’s pretty sure that, while effective, LeClaire will probably disapprove.)

“Don’t you think that forbidding us to write a negative article about you and your partner infringes on our freedom of press?” ask a guy that has spent half the season trying to get them to talk about their fucking feelings regarding Hunter's coming out like they are a bunch of kindergarteners and not professionals with a job to do. 

“Not really,” Roz shrugs. “You are free to write your article, I am free to choose who I talk to. Freedom is great like that, let us all know where we really stand.”

And to think that this is the same guy that once asked Cliff why there were so many McDonalds in his street! They will make an American out of him yet.

“Do you think this is the appropriate setting in which to make this statement?” 

LeClaire looks like he approves of this line of questioning because he gestures towards the woman that’s asked this in a ‘see, she gets it!’ way. He seems to be the only one though, because several of her colleagues are giving her the death stare.

“I tried to make a statement on twitter but people didn’t believe me,” Roz answers with a pout. “A very rude person even told me Shane would not fuck me which was very upsetting to read.”

“He totally will, brother,” Cliff reassures him, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I know this,” his friend promises with a sad sigh. “But it was very mean of them to tell me such awful lies.”

“But shouldn’t you be talking about your game against Buffalo?" the woman insists, and considering the way she winces, Cliff is pretty sure that someone has stepped on her foot for that.

“You want me to talk about boring game?” Roz asks incredulously. “I’m giving you chance to ask about my Shane and you ask me about Buffalo?”

“That was the point of this presser,” LeClaire points out in a gruff voice that fails to conceal the humor in his voice.

Roz rolls his eyes. “Buffalo was Buffalo, they tried their best, it was not enough. We knew we’d win from first period. Their defense has gotten better but their offense still sucks and they need better coach. Would make a joke or two about their performance tonight but I don’t like to punch down. There, I’ve done it, now continue to ask me about my very hot boyfriend, please.”

That was succinct, at least. Though Roz better pray he never ends up on the same team as Buffalo’s coach.

The reporters, obviously, gladly obey him, “How long has this been going on?”

“Are you all deaf?” Roz asks, looking genuinely frustrated. “I told you before, we started sleeping together in 2010.”

That doesn’t answer their question, Cliff notices, unless by ‘this’ they meant the sex and not the relationship. These reporters really should know better than to ask questions this vague when interviewing Roz by now. 

“Then what about all the women you’ve been seen with? Were they fake?”

These guys have clearly never seen Roz on the prowl in a club if they have to ask that.

Roz raises an eyebrow. “They were very real women, I assure you.”

Very real Victoria Secret (and apparently Calvin Klein too) models and athletes, he means. Roz always goes for the pretty ones. 

“So you were cheating on Shane Hollander?”

Does this guy want Roz to be hunted for sport every time he dares cross the border to Canada?!?

“Yeah, I was cheating on the love of my fucking life because in our very early twenties we were both emotionally mature enough to sit down and have a conversation about wanting to be more than just two guys that saw each other four times a year and hooked up.” If Roz rolls his eyes any harder they are going to get stuck on the back of his head, and then what will happen with their playoff chances? “We also were not fucking terrified of what our connection meant so we both admitted what we felt right away.”

A buzzing sound makes Roz and Cliff jump and they both look down at the phone on Roz's hand. Roz unlocks it, and looks at the message he’s just received with a small smile.

“Hollander and I have been casually seeing each other since 2010 but we did not become exclusive until 2017. Also don’t fucking mention the tuna melt,” he obediently reads out loud. “Ok, моя любовь, also text me about what I can and cannot say, okay? Will not share anything you do not want me to.”

Now that Cliff thinks about it, Roz’s answers have mostly been about himself, so far. Which isn’t weird (guy is his own favorite topic) but still, it’s sweet that he’s trying to keep Hollander as out of it as possible considering he’s the other person in their relationship.

“What is ‘tuna melt’?” a reporter asks, apparently not having listened to Roz’s declaration.

“A type of sandwich,” Roz answers in deadpan, looking completely disinterested like he hadn’t once grabbed one from Hammy’s hands and tossed it out of the window before declaring a ban that was only lifted after the All Stars game.

“How did you manage to keep your relationship a secret for so long?”

Roz lights up at the question and types something on his phone. Cliff cranes his neck in an attempt to read his text but all he manages to see is something about a condo. He does see Hollander’s answer when it comes swiftly and in capital letters: NO.

Roz pouts a bit, but then shrugs and answers. “Wasn’t too hard, I kissed him on the ice and you all wrote articles about sportmanship.”

“It was a helmet kiss,” a reporter grumbles. “I think we would have caught on if you had pulled a Hunter.”

“Maybe,” Roz concedes though his tone is doubtful. “Or maybe you would have threatened to give me a Lady Byng.”

He shudders theatrically, getting several laughs.

One of the oldest reporters in the room doesn’t seem quite so amused though, “So the rivalry was always a lie?”

“What’s lie?” Roz blinks, looking genuinely baffled. “I love beating my boyfriend."

“At hockey.” Cliff immediately finishes for him before the internet can take that out of context.

Roz turns towards him, “What?”

“If you don’t say ‘at hockey’ they are going to cancel you too, bro,” he calmly explains.

And now Roz’s pout is back in full force, “But it’s not true. I love beating Shane at everything! He looks so cute when he’s all frustrated and mad because he’s lost.”

Immediately, Roz’s phone buzzes with a new message.

This time, Roz frowns when he reads it, “Well, I was better at darts.”

The phone buzzes again.

“I was faster with the jet skis.”

The new message comes before Roz is done speaking.

“Lie! You did not win at Scrabble,” Roz looks genuinely offended at Hollander’s boast. “It’s not winning if you are cheating and making up words that do not exist.”

This time, the buzzing sound from the phone is definitely a bit smug.

“Oh, so now you are being mean about my english? Maybe I should listen to all the people on the internet telling me to get a nicer boyfriend,” Roz threatens insincerely. “And anyway, I won at Monopoly.”

The phone buzzes thrice in a very quick interval.

But Cliff has honestly kind of had enough and uses his hand to cover the screen, “Roz, finish this later, will you?”

He did not sign up for front row seats on whatever weird combo of a domestic and foreplay those two are currently engaging in.

“I think it’s fair to say the rivalry is very much real,” LeClaire snorts.

“Well, obviously it’s real. Whatever we may do in private, Shane and I always give our all in the ice,” Roz says before gesturing at the press. “They’ve  all written article after article about how the rivalry pushes us to be better and how we play harder if it’s against each other. Are you saying they are all blind? Or maybe, really bad at their jobs? I think they know a thing or two about hockey after all these years.”

It’s a blatant attempt to blackmail the press into getting on their side, in Cliff’s opinion. But then again, they are a bunch of peacocks that pride themselves on knowing the sport better than anyone else (even though most have not had even a minute of ice-time in their life) so it will probably work on most of them.

LeClaire seems almost impressed with Roz and Cliff makes an internal bet with himself about how long his approval is going to last. So far, Roz has been (relatively) subdued. Or like, not subdued, this whole thing is a dumpster fire that he’s gleefully started, but… Well, he hasn’t insulted anyone but Buffalo and Buffalo barely counts.

One of Cliff’s favorite reporters must be thinking on the same lines, because he just smiles and asks the question most guaranteed to get Roz to go off, “What’s your opinion on Rose Landry?”

Roz appraises the man for a second, looking almost impressed that he’s dared to ask him that to his face. Then he raises a hand, halting the questions and types something with his other one.

The answer comes almost immediately and Roz nods to himself with a half smile.

“Rose Landry is a very good actress and friend of Shane. I have not met her, but I hear only good things,” he says, sounding very bland, but in a way that Cliff knows that it’s an invitation to the room to ask more.

The reporter clearly catches that too because he insists, “Like for example?”

“Like that she is very nice when telling her very gay boyfriends that it’s okay that they are very, very gay,” Roz elaborates, smirking smugly.

And that has Cliff asking a question of his own.

“Wait, is that why you were crashing out last year?” he says, letting his outrage pour into his voice. “Your boy dumps you for a goddess and your response is to try and kill us all? Also fuck you, Hollander, we had to do suicides every fucking practice because of you.”

“Don’t be a baby, Marly, I did them as well,” Roz tells him. Like clockwork, the phone buzzes again which has Roz smiling a bit meanly down at it. “Shane says ‘you are welcome’, apparently all your stats improved last year, so stop whining, I was helping make you better.”

They are both as bad as each other.

“I cannot wait to play Montreal,” Cliff mutters darkly.

“Marleau, Marleau,” a reporter says, bafflingly having a question for him and not his captain who just revealed the most scandalous secret in hockey history. “Did Roz punish you for checking his boyfriend last year? How will this revelation affect your ability to play Montreal?”

And oh fuck, that’s why Roz had looked so wrecked after the hit. Shit, Cliff really owes the man a drink or ten. Especially because:

“He didn’t punish me, he told me it was a clean hit and to not beat myself up about it because it wasn’t my fault. Then he went to apologize to Hollander on my behalf,” he tells the reporter with a glare. “And it will not fucking mess with our game because our strategy has never been to injure other players on purpose. Also, have you seen these two play? Roz has been personally checking his boyfriend against the boards hard for as long as I’ve known him and their relationship seems to be doing fine, so I don’t think he’ll ask us to go easy on him.”

“You let Shane fucking Hollander go unchecked and I swear I’ll have you traded to Tampa, Marly,” Roz promises him darkly. 

“And do you feel comfortable sharing the locker room with him after this reveal?” the same reporter asks again.

“Oh, you are the dickwad that’s been going after Hunter since he came out, aren’t you?” he says, finally recognising him. “Okay, we are doing this. I do not care who Roz sleeps with, or I care, because that was a legendary pull, my man, but I do not have a problem with guys being in the rotation.”

“There’s no rotation,” Roz clarifies quickly. “I’ve been in committed relationship for over a year now.”

“And I’m happy for you, bro,” Cliff tells him earnestly. Then he turns towards the reporter, and his smile drops. “Like I was saying, I’m fine with him sleeping with the one guy. I’d be fine if he was sleeping with a hundred guys or if he didn’t like girls at all. Hell, I wouldn’t care even if I thought he had the hots for me. Which he doesn’t, obviously. We all know what his type is now, and let’s face it, I’m outclassed.” 

Roz snorts, “Don’t take it personally, Marly, you are very handsome. It's just that my Shane literally wins prizes because of how hot he is.”

“Awww, thank you man, you are a looker too,” Cliff tells him, genuinely touched. “Still my point stands. It doesn't matter what Roz likes. What matters is that I know him and I know he’s never laid a hand on a woman she did not want. I’m assuming the same holds true with men because why on earth wouldn’t it? So it’s very rude to ask me if I think he’s a fucking predator now that I know he sleeps with men. Like fuck you? I’m not that much of a dick, thank you.”

“That’s not what I asked,” the reporter asks, looking a bit flustered. “I just asked if you are comfortable sharing the locker room with him.”

“And why wouldn’t I feel comfortable?” Cliff asks.

“Well, he may sneak a look or two.” 

“And why would that make me uncomfortable, eh?” Cliff repeats, raising his tone a bit.  “We all fucking look at each other, you’ve never been in a fucking locker room before? ‘Measuring dicks’ is an expression for a reason. ” Back in Juniors his Captain had even brought a fucking ruler in an attempt to embarass the rookies. “If you are not suggesting I’m worried he’d do something to me, why would I suddenly care?"

“Just a no would have been enough, Marleau,” the reporter huffs.

“No, no, a no is not enough, apparently,” he insisted, now really pissed off. “Answer my fucking question. I always answer yours even if they are fucking bullshit.”

He’s about to get up, wanting to go speak with the weasel face to face, when he’s stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s enough, Marly,” Roz tells him, pushing him firmly down. “Thank you.”

Cliff shrugs a bit awkward, “Got your back, brother.”

Roz smiles at him before turning towards the press, “Well, this has been fun, but since that dick has ruined the mood, I think we are going to call it a night. If you have any further questions, you can email our people, yeah? And remember, the hashtag was Sorry Shane.” Then he turns towards their coach. “Can we go now?”

“We could have gone half an hour ago,” LeClaire answers, checking his watch while he stands up. “But yeah, the show is over now and you will meet me in my office first thing tomorrow, understood?”

Ilya nods, respectfully, “Of course, coach.”

They all start walking out of the room, ignoring the questions that the reporters keep shouting at them.

LeClaire sighs again and shakes his head, “There’s never a dull moment with you around, is there? But well, I cannot fault your taste in men, I suppose.”

Roz blinks at that, clearly not knowing how to take it before shrugging and beaming, “Had to settle for second best in the league, but he’s pretty so it’s alright.”

And with that, they finally (finally) leave what Cliff is sure is and will forever remain the most eventful presser in the history of hockey. 

Bi Disaster @WalkingCatastrophe 

Bisexual King Roz confirmed! Let’s go!!!!!!

Pan and Proud of it @ ThereAreTooManyPrettyPeople

We should have known considering his chaotic energy.

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

Roz is so hot for telling reporters that he will not talk to anyone that’s rude to him or his man.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

I mean, if I were a millionaire I would also not waste my time talking with haters either.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

Why is a fucking russian giving us lesson on freedom?

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983

Because you all clearly need it.

Katey @katekate4

I’m with Rozanov here. Like Buffalo? They are asking about BUFFALO???

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

LeClaire’s just found the one (1) person in the room that wants the presser to get back on track and he looks like he’s this close to proposing marriage.

Mark @NotThatMarkNo

For sure, that reporter better expect flowers tonight.

Lesbians do it better @WatchWomensHockey 

‘That reporter’ and it’s Marie Simpson with her fifteen years experience on hockey news 💀 💀 💀 

Mrs Rozanov @Raiders8169

So @RaidersGirlie81 how are we feeling tonight?

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

… I wish I was dead.

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

I would like to retract my statement that @ShaneHollanderOfficial woul not fuck @Lily1410. I was wrong, and I acknowledge that. I apologize for any distress my careless words may have caused.

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

#IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ #IMSORRYROZ

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

I would make fun of oomf for her desperation but honestly, if I was in her shoes I would jump off a bridge Javert-style.

Best Team Best Captain @ProudBostonian

@RaidersGirlie81 at least Roz knows that you exist?

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

But at what cost?????!!!!!!

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Not to distract from @RaidersGirlie81 very serious personal tragedy, but since we have confirmation that @Lily1410 is for sure Roz’s burner account, you all better check it out before Roz deletes it.

Liar. Liar told you that @ChirpingIsLife

Why would he delete it?

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Because it’s full of thirst tweets about Hollander and insults towards a lot of players in the league?

Liar. Liar told you that @ChirpingIsLife

And you think Roz will somehow be ashamed of any of that?

Fuck it we stan @ChirpingGoldMedalist81 

For real, there’s nothing there he wouldn’t say to those players' faces.

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

He called Scott Hunter a remnant from the ice-age who should spend less time giving interviews and more time re-learning how to operate this cool new invention called ‘skates’.

Fuck it we stan @ChirpingGoldMedalist81 

Exactly

Secret apples @dontaskmeaboutmyfruit

The only thing I foresee changing about that account now that we know it’s Roz’s is that he’s going to start tagging the players he chirps.

Carolina’s Year @AidenHockeyStuff

Wait, LiliesAreBetterThanRoses??? Are you all picking up what I am?

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

Oooohhh someone was jeaaaaaaaaaaaalooooouseeeeeee

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Roz, man, this is embarrassing.

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

Is he wrong, though?

🌹 @NotRoseLandry

I personally think roses are pretty…

Sarah @futurejournalist87

Roz destroyed the whole of Buffalo in under one minute.

Coffee, Books and more Coffee @GraduatingThisYear

He doesn’t have time for this, he wants to get back to bragging about his man.

Centering the bulls @BuffalosMarkGamerson

I mean, I’d be offended but I’m not going to lie and pretend I’m not more interested in whatever it’s going on than on Rozanov’s opinion on our game.

Buffalo’s Protector @KayFraught#43

That’s because you are a forward and ‘still shitty’. I, however, have apparently improved 😎 and would love to hear more about that 

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

I know we knew already, but 2010?!?!?!?!?!?

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

Not the reporters asking Roz about his hoe era 🙈 🙈 🙈 🙈 

Vicky @ModelingActingLiving

As one of the lucky gals that got into that man’s bet, I can promise I am very much real.

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

Prove it by selecting only the images with crosswalks in them.

Joanna @ProfesionalSwimmerAndArtStudent

Bee Boop Bee Boop, me be real too.

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

Sounds legit.

Shane Defense Squad @Ijustthinkhesneat

Oh, if that greasy asshole was cheating on our poor Shane I swear I will kill him.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Greasy? GREASY??? Those curls are not greasy, how dare you?

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

Yeah, sure, Roz was cheating and hid it by getting featured on the tabloids on a weekly basis, be for real now.

Not a Horse @MaxingMax

I think some people genuinely cannot comprehend that not everyone goes from nothing to monogamy immediately.

My kingdom for some coffee @JohnnyShallow

Look all am saying is that only one of them had a very public girlfriend and it was not Roz

One More Cup @PartyingSince2014

Please, the whole Landry thing is giving beard so hard.

Ann without an e @ann3254

Roz, you could have just said you were not exclusive 😭 😭 😭 

I Ship it @Ennemies2Lovers4Life 

Love of my life, love of my life, love of my life

24💕💕💕💕 @ShaneHollanbabe

Okay but it’s a bit heartbreaking that they were casual not because that’s what worked better for them, but because they were so afraid of what they wanted.

MontrealLife @cecilenotart

I was going to tweet about Shane always having a PR answer ready but… what is the deal with tuna melts?????

Hollzy4President @AliceOnSkates 

There’s for sure a story there.

My kingdom for a decent goalie @cens4life

Rozanov is such a little shit, reading the whole text outloud.

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates

They can call it whatever they want but Roz did our poor Shane dirty by sleeping with so many people so publicly when they were already together.

Shane Defense Squad @Ijustthinkhesneat

I know, right? Imagine how sad he must have felt.

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

Guys, Hollzy is an adult? He obv had a say on what type of relationship they had? Maybe he was the one that wanted things to be casual.

Shane Defense Squad @Ijustthinkhesneat

You just don’t know Shane like we do.

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates

He’s such a good boy, he for sure wanted to be in a normal relationship (with a nice, kind man) since day one.

Ottawa’s Pride @ShnHllndr

‘A normal relationship’? Okay…

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty

It’s really sweet that he doesn’t want to say anything that will upset Shane.

Tired And In College @marian

*Anything more than he already has, you mean. Let’s not forget ‘You fucking moron, what the fuck’.

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly

Fair, but in his defense, Roz is allowed to come out if he wants to, regardless of his boyfriend’s opinion.

Tired And In College @marian

His coming out did implicate his boyfriend very publicly though… I think he should have gotten a say on that at least.

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

Oh, I so want to hear what Roz would have said if Hollzy hadn’t muzzled him there.

Shaney😍😍 @Shanegirlie24

What are you talking about?

Raid Me tonight @RaRaRozanoo0ov

He sent a text when they asked about how they kept the secrecy and then pouted, Hollander for sure just told him to shut up about something.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124

VINDICATION!!!!!!!!

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124

It was just a little kiss, you said. It doesn’t mean anything, you said.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124

All hockey players celebrate like that, you said.

Hollanov's Helmet Smooch @AllStar8124

But I knew! I knew and I was right

My kingdom for some coffee @JohnnyShallow

… You are going to be insufferable about this, aren’t you?

What did I miss ? @PerpetuallyTired

‘Pulled a Hunter’ LOL

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

When you are so iconic you become an expression 😎

Shanon @tampababe

WAIT, if one of them wins the Cup, will we have a hollanov Cup Kiss???? Because if so, sorry Tampa but I’m jumping ship.

Josh @mtrlfan703

I’ll be honest and admit that if those two had made out on the ice before this, I would have assumed they had lost a bet.

JayJason @Youdon’tknowme

‘Losing a bet’ would have let them get away with so much, though… Like why are you at your rival's game? I lost a bet. Why are you wearing your rival's jersey? I lost a bet. Why are you hanging out together? I lost a bet. Why are you making him breakfast in bed? I lost a bet. 

Josh @mtrlfan703

Hell, I’d have believed it if they said they got drunk and their teammates dared them to get married in Vegas.

JayJason @Youdon’tknowme

‘First one to annul the marriage loses’ and no one is surprised when they end up sharing a tombstone…

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous

Oh no, not a Lady Byng 😱 😱 😱 😱 

Best Team Best Captain @ProudBostonian

The one thing Roz fears: receiving a sportsmanship trophy.

Fuck Yeah, Metros @Joeoldtimeyhockey

Finally something asking the real questions here, because I’ve been buying the fucking rivalry for a decade so what do you mean it was never real?

Arthy @curiousandtired

‘I love beating my boyfriend’ LOL

Olé Olé Olé Montréal @ LaCoupeàLaMaison

I don’t see how that’s funny? The man has abusive written all over.

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates

And to no one’s surprise, Rozanov = 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 

Arthy @curiousandtired

^^^^^^^^^ Me when I ignore all the context to jump at the conclusion I want to arrive at.

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

Marly trying to protect his boy from the allegations.

My kingdom for a decent goalie @cens4life

Roz doubling down because he’s not afraid of the crazies on twitter.

 

Soft Boy Roz @HeartOfBlackAndGold 

Frustrated Hollander is kind of hot, I’ll have to agree with Roz here.

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy 

Winner and trying to pretend he’s not smug Shane is hotter.

Soft Boy Roz @HeartOfBlackAndGold 

And I’m sure Roz appreciates that too.

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count

Hollanov prompt: flirting over darts in a pub

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count

Hollanov prompt: racing with jet skis at the cottage

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count

Hollanov prompt: playing scrabble with the family

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count

Hollanov prompt: WW3 over monopoly

And there was only one bed @AO3Hockey 

I want smut with them using these competitions to decide who does what in bed, please and thank you.

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy

Can’t believe Hollander cheats at scrabble #FreeLily

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

Hollander, learn a second language before you come after our boy for his english.

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24

… He speaks french??

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore

If their relationship can survive a Monopoly game I’m afraid that there’s nothing we can do to break them up.

Cliff Marl-OH! @MarlysBiggestFan 

Babysitter Marly at it again.

Cliff Marl-OH! @MarlysBiggestFan 

Man volunteered to give Roz a ride once during his rookie season and now he’s stuck stopping him from getting into fights with his bf on tv.

Fuck Yeah, Metros @Joeoldtimeyhockey

I’ll admit that it does seem like the trashtalk was real.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

They were sucking each other of off-camera?

Fuck Yeah, Metros @Joeoldtimeyhockey

As long as they wanted each other’s blood on the ice 🤷 🤷 🤷 

What if they kissed ? @TooManyWIP2Count

👀 👀 👀 👀  Hollanov prompt: and they were vampires!

Harassed Intern @IReplacedMyBloodWithCoffee

Not Roz telling the reporters, there’s two choices here: a) you are all morons or b) me and my boyfriend know how to keep things professional during games.

Sterek Slut @WeAreInAShip

b).... AND you are all morons (though slightly less than in option a)

STOP WHINNING AND GO TO WORK @TiredOfAllTheseLazyKids

Rozanov's attempt to gaslight the press is transparent and embarrassing. Say what you want, we all know you go easy on your little canadian girlfriend.

Student loans are killing me @TrendyAndy

This you?

┌ STOP WHINNING AND GO TO WORK @TiredOfAllTheseLazyKids

Rozanov's true potential can only be truly appreciated when he’s playing against Hollander, you can just see that those games are personal for him and that he’d rather die than lose. ┘

3 Cups When? @ MetroSinceBirth 

Our Captain gets on his knees for a fucking Raider but sure, we’ll believe that he doesn’t bend over for him on the ice too 🙄 🙄 🙄  Like give me a fucking break! #FireHollander

Queer on Ice @QueerAndCenter 

  Uhm…..

┌ 3 Cups When? @ MetroSinceBirth 

Hollander is the best thing to happen to our franchise, and you can quote me on that. I’m dying to see him put that Russian bastard in his place (again lol). Our Cap has zero mercy when it comes to that asshole. ┘

Black and Gold since 1967 @DylanFromBoston 

Am I comfortable with the fact that our Captain is dating the Metros’ Captain? No, I’m not.

Will I suddenly forget that he plays like a beast every time he’s sharing the ice with Hollander? Also no, because I’m not a fucking idiot.

So the way I see it, I can just forget that those two sleep together and focus on the goddamn hockey.

STOP WHINNING AND GO TO WORK @TiredOfAllTheseLazyKids

Or they could break up.

Black and Gold since 1967 @DylanFromBoston 

They played the worst game of their careers while broken up, Sam. I want another fucking Cup.

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

I’ll say it louder for the people in the back, rivalry=foreplay, hope this helps.

I Ship it @Ennemies2Lovers4Life 

The idea that they would throw games for each other when they would both view that as the greatest insult ever.

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

Yes, but I want to clarify something, because they are not the same:

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

Hollander throws a game for Rozanov, Rozanov: Oh, so you don’t think I’m good enough to win on my own? Fuck you! (wins the Cup out of spite, refusing to touch Hollander until after he’s proven that he can do it.)

Rozanov's Abs🤤 @RaidersPuckBunny 

Rozanov throws a game for Hollander, Hollander: How dare you disrespect the most sacred of sports? You’ve committed the worst sin imaginable and I no longer recognise what you’ve become. (kills Rozanov by pelting him with a thousand pucks)

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP

Hollzy and Roz have a competence kink, guys, and they both flirt by showing off. Throwing games would not get them laid. They get laid by surpassing what we thought of as the limits of modern hockey.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

Exactly! Getting your dick sucked by half-assing a game would be too easy, Roz has to get a hattrick and invent a new backhand move.

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy

And Hollzy has to have a five point game and break the record for more goals scored in a series, otherwise, what’s the point?

What did I miss ? @PerpetuallyTired 

Messy of them to bring up the ex in front of Roz.

Fuck it we stan @ChirpingGoldMedalist81 

‘I hear only good things about Rose Landry’, okay LiliesAreBetterThanRoses

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain

They ask him about his opinion on his bf ex and suddenly Roz learns media-speak. Like ‘she’s a good actress and friend of Shane’??? That’s not an opinion!!!

Mrs Hollanders do you take interns? @ IwantToBeBadass

Wise move not to upset the Landry fans. Those girls are unhinged.

That's our Captain! @Raiders81 

Roz could take them.

Mrs Hollanders do you take interns? @ IwantToBeBadass

Oh, I assure you, Roz could not.

I Ship it @Ennemies2Lovers4Life 

Gay Shane Hollander confirmed!

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive

I think you mean very, very gay Shane Hollander confirmed.

Hollandry’s daughter @TheyAreOnABreak

If Rose Landry didn’t turn him straight, then yeah, the man’s as gay as it gets.

Alice @pucksandjaws

To be fair, he knew thee Ilya Rozanov was waiting in the wings. I would not have moved on either, if I’d been him.

One More Cup @PartyingSince2014

Wait, she wasn’t a beard?

Ali-most there @ImTryingOkay

What kind of game does Hollander have to pull both Roz and Rose Landry???

Let me drive the Zamboni @ IWantToBeTall 

Not Marly revealing that Roz was the one dumped 💀 💀 💀

PAY THE PRICE @WeGotHimGuys

Didn’t think Hollzy had it in him.

Hockey’s life @puckspuckspucksandsitckstoo

I may be math-ing wrong, but was The Rose Landry Hollzy’s rebound???

Rororozanov @MsRozanov

I guess if you are trying to move on from Roz you kind of have to go big or go home.

Kay @stuuffabooutliife

There’s a joke here about Hollander going home to something big but I’m too classy to make it.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks 

I feel sorry for Roz, imagine you are seeing a guy, he dumps you and then suddenly he gets a really famous girlfriend and it’s all over the press. 

Mrs Rozanov @Raiders8169

I would commit so many crimes.

We have the cutest Captain, deal with it @MetrosGirl 

Okay, but this is Rozanov, though? How many times has he made headlines because of his conquests?

Lesbians do it better @WatchWomensHockey 

Would you rather that your situationship got papped a thousand times with multiple one-night stands or that your situationship got papped just once but it was with a very serious partner?

Go Raiders @jackhockey12

New saw trap unlocked

L Fucking A Baby @We’veGotBeachesANDHockey

I would rather someone shot me on the food, if we are being honest.

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight

Love that Roz response to being dumped was making it all the Raiders problems.

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

That’s because you weren’t the one suffering

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

I would say Rose Landry watch your back but I think my mom and sisters would disown me if I did.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

Yeah, my girlfriend just informed me that Landry is off-limits, boys.

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

… She cheers for Detroit, doesn’t she?

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

So Detroit goes home crying after every single game this season?

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

Sounds like a fucking plan.

🌹 @NotRoseLandry 

That’s so mean considering she helped them get back together!

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

Too little too late.

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

If it helps we will also destroy Montreal for this.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

Absolutely, how dare that guy dump our captain? Who does he think he is?!?

Keep that woke shit out of Hockey @ HenryJacobs 

‘We don’t let our relationship affect our hockey’ Except for how you were reckless and overworked your team that one time, eh Rozanov?

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

Did we fucking ask you to defend us?

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

Actually my edges got so much fucking better thanks to the extra practice that it’s not even funny.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

Oh yeah, it was so bad, like how dare he get us so in shape we made it to the Conference Finals!

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

We’d have our second Cup if fucking Coopy knew how to fucking check people without injuring them.

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

We almost made it and Roz was playing with bruised ribs.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

This year boys, I can smell it.

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

Hollander telling Marly ‘you are welcome’ is evil actually.

Moi aussi j'veux un Shane @ ShaneGirlieAndProud

Worst part is that I’d bet he’s at least 75% sincere.

Black and Gold since 1967 @DylanFromBoston 

Just spitballing here but what if Hollander dumps Cap during the pre-season/early season and then they get back together for the season proper + playoff? Wouldn’t that maximize the boy’s performance?

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

You want us dead, is that it?

Black and Gold since 1967 @DylanFromBoston 

If that gets us a Cup, sure.

Raiders on the Road @RaidersRaiding

Next time Marly puts Hollander in the hospital it won’t be an accident, and honestly, I cannot blame him.

New York New York @ BestAdmiralHunter

This guy 🤮 🤮 🤮 🤮 

I'm New here @babyhockeyfan

Sorry, I’m new here. Which guy?

New York New York @ BestAdmiralHunter

The reporter bothering Marleau, he’s known for being a bigot and antagonising poor Scott.

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks

I had forgotten about that hit last year!

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy

We haven’t 😡 😡 😡 😡 

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy 

Neither has Marly, I think, look how haunted he looks.

Soft Boy Roz @HeartOfBlackAndGold 

Didn’t Roz have like a very weird reaction to that hit?

HollanovForever @8124Truther

Do you mean: did he stay on the ice looking pale and absolutely terrified? Because is so yes, and here’s proof:

*Still image of Roz during the aftermath of the hit, looking grief-stricken*

Soft Boy Roz @HeartOfBlackAndGold 

You know you could have just stabbed me, right? I honestly would have preferred it.

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore 

Oh god, they were together. 

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore  

They were together and Roz had to watch Hollander be unresponsive on the ice.

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore  

He was living a nightmare and no one knew.

Hockey mom @CleanGamesWinMore  

And right after losing his father too!

Laugh Live Hockey @hockeymomofthree 

You know Roz needed a hug and he couldn’t ask his boys for it because it was all a big secret.

Cliff Jumping Is My Hobby @NoIDontSwim

Which is a shame because I’d bet anything that Marly gives GREAT hugs (those arms!!!!)

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere 

I don’t think Roz would have accepted a hug from Marly at that specific moment, fam.

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty 

Not to agree with the known bigot, but he does raise a good point, hockey is a heavy contact sport. How can their teammates play like they should if they are worried about injuring their Captain’s partner? 

Hot Hockey Boys Spotted @ImJustHereForTheHottiesOnIce 

I’ll just leave this here: https://youtube/Hollander_and_Rozanov_checks_compilation… 

Katia Life @dontcallmefuckingkaty 

Point well made, no further questions.

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates 

So Rozanov can’t even defend his man when some asshole puts him in the hospital with a concussion and a broken collarbone? Shameful.

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates 

You know who was ready to throw gloves for Shane immediately (as he deserves)?

ShaydenTruther @Andtheywere(hockey)roommates 

That’s right, Hayden Motherfucking Pike.

Go Raiders @jackhockey12 

Yikes. There’s keeping it professional and there’s having to reassure your teammate that he didn’t do anything wrong after putting your boyfriend in the hospital.

Cliff Marl-OH! @MarlysBiggestFan

IT WAS A CLEAN HIT!

 

Okay but you can’t deny it would be hot @MarnovDefender

I’m sure Roz ‘when to apologize to Hollzy on Marly’s behalf’ 😏 😏 😏 

Not a Horse @MaxingMax 

Dude, his man was in the hospital! He probably wanted to check that he was okay.

Pike’s Seventh Kid @pleaseadoptmejackie

And we all called it sportsmanship XD

Josh @mtrlfan703

I’m telling you, they could have announced their marriage and we’d have believed it was a practical joke.

Kent MVP @gooootorooooonto

“Our strategy has never been to injure other players on purpose”, has someone told the Raiders this??? Because Kent took more than one unnecessary hit last time we played Boston.

Jay No Jake @JayPlaysButBadly 

Marly said players, not bastards.

Shane Defense Squad @Ijustthinkhesneat

So they are admitting that Rozanov a) has no trouble HURTING HIS BOYFRIEND over a game and b) is encouraging his team to do the same. And we are all supposed to think he’s good for poor Shane?

Shane Baby @Shanestitties24 

‘Poor Shane’ once checked Roz so hard they both went over the boards. I think he can manage.

Shane The GOAT Hollander @metrosforlive 

Rozanov putting some respect on our boy Hollzy’s name 💪 💪 💪 💪 

Hockey and Stuff @SadlyFromTampa

I’d be offended Roz is using being traded to our team as a threat, but honestly I get it.

Hockey and Stuff @SadlyFromTampa

Also please, do send us Marleau. We desperately need a good defenseman. We’ll take very good care of him, I promise

Alice @pucksandjaws

Hand off, he’s ours.

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

Here, sis, I think you may need this: 💣 💣 💣 

New York New York @ BestAdmiralHunter

Oh for fuck’s sake not the locker room question again 😒 😒 😒 😒 

New York New York @ BestAdmiralHunter

Man has asked it to every single Admiral so far, looks like he’s planning to add all the Raiders and Metros to the list too.

Coffee, Books and more Coffee @GraduatingThisYear 

I think he’ll just keep asking it till he gets an answer he likes.

Ali-most there @ImTryingOkay

Did… Did Marly just call a reporter ‘dickwad’ ???

Alice @pucksandjaws

I love this man so much

My kingdom for some coffee @JohnnyShallow 

‘Legendary pull’ XDXD

Hollzy4President @AliceOnSkates 

IS HE WRONG???

SangCheng All The Way @UNreliablenarratorguys 

Roz was QUICK with that monogamy declaration.

MontrealLife @cecilenotart

I would be too if my bf pulled movie stars.

Looking Respectfully @RozysBackCanFixMe

‘There’s no rotation’ suuuuuure. Like I’m going to believe that The Rozanov has stopped picking up girls.

Roz Spotted! @PuckBunniesUnite

Actually, it’s a well-known fact in the puckbunny circles in Boston. Roz has not gone home with anyone in over a year.

Roz Spotted! @PuckBunniesUnite

Even before that, for the past two or so it was pretty difficult to get him in bed and only a very particular type of girls managed it.

Looking Respectfully @RozysBackCanFixMe

Asian girls?

Roz Spotted! @PuckBunniesUnite

Freckled girls, actually.

Looking Respectfully @RozysBackCanFixMe

Okay if you all knew he was taken @PuckBunniesUnite why do you still maintain the Rozy sighted account and hit on him at clubs (and don’t say you didn’t I have receipts). Either you are lying or a homewrecker.

Roz Spotted! @PuckBunniesUnite

Honey, Roz's go-to method for letting girls down easy is to set them up with his teammates. Of course we are all still hitting on him.

Sarah @futurejournalist87

‘I wouldn’t care if Roz slept with a thousand guys’, like that’s exactly what Roz would have done if he weren't for the homophobia, man’s never been shy about hooking up with people. 

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

AND IT ISN'T FAIR!!!! All the ladies in Boston had their chance, why didn’t we???? 

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

We were robbed! Robbed I tell you!!

Lesbians do it better @WatchWomensHockey 

As someone who’s had straight friends go to ‘perfectly fine with me’ to weirded out and avoiding me the second they realized I found them attractive, I really appreciate Marly saying he’d stand by Roz even if he liked him.

One More Cup @PartyingSince2014 

Good that Marly knows his place.

Raiding the harbor @RozIsBostonsBestBoy

Come on, he’s no Shane Hollander, but he’s pretty handsome too.

Hot Hockey Boys Spotted @ImJustHereForTheHottiesOnIce 

Roz and Marly exchanging compliments and exemplifying why we all thought Roz was straight: there’s nothing more homoerotic than a pair of gym bros.

Hot Hockey Boys Spotted @ImJustHereForTheHottiesOnIce 

Except, obviously, two jocks being rivals.

24💕💕💕💕 @ShaneHollanbabe

Rude of Rozanov to remind us that he’s dating 2016’s Hottest Man in the NHL.

8-fucking-1 @livingforthosewinks

I mean, it would be ruder to remind us that he’s won that prize this year…

Where’s MY hug @JustaNiceGuy

I’m sorry, I’ll believe that Roz fucks men (man would hit on anything that stood still for long enough) but you are telling me that the testosteron-filled russian millionaire jock gives a fuck about a woman’s consent? Please, pull the other one.

Roz Spotted! @PuckBunniesUnite

And once again, we see someone that’s never clubbed in Boston gracing us with their unfounded opinion.

Raiders on the Road @RaidersRaiding

Love that they included ‘russian’ there, just in case we doubted if their opinion was based on their xenophobia and America's frankly disturbing portrayal of a whole country as cartoon villains with a perchance for violence.

Tired And In College @marian 

Okay, I thought Marleau was a himbo but that was a really good answer.

Tired And In College @marian 

Like a lot of men fear gay men because they are afraid of being treated like they treat women.

Tired And In College @marian

And here the man is, saying, no Rozanov treats women right so I know he wouldn’t do anything to me that I’d hate.

Tired And In College @marian

Like hats off, man, well done.

Ann without an e @ann3254

Yeah, it’s almost like the problem is not people’s sexualities but their ability to listen to the word no…

L Fucking A Baby @We’veGotBeachesANDHockey

Someone should get Toronto on the phone, I think they need to hear this.

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

lol love Marly once again confirming that straight jocks are gayer than lady gaga fans. 

Na-na-na-na HAT TRICK @Rozy4MVP 

Like we know you all compare dicks but there’s no need to admit it on tv.

Kay @stuuffabooutliife 

Is Marly going to fight that reporter?

Hockey Player and Future Mathematician @YeahIHateMyself 

Yes 

Where’s the Gym? @RunningFromTheLibrary 

Yes 

Russian Menace @GreatOutstandingAmazingTremendous 

Yes

Hot Hockey Boys Spotted @ImJustHereForTheHottiesOnIce 

Please

Alice @pucksandjaws

🍿 🍿 🍿 

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

Oh, does the bigot get uncomfortable when he has to answer questions instead of asking them?

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

Does it suck when you are put on the spot on tv and prodded relentlessly?

Good for Scott Hunter @RewatchingTheKissAgain 

Terrible that he has to endure that since it’s not like he once followed Kip to his JOB and refused to leave him alone even though the poor man had a shift and was trying to serve customers.

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

For no particular reason, I would like to announce that I always thought Marly was a pretty cool guy and I’ll be buying him a steak dinner at a place of his choosing next time we play in Boston.

ST VIC TO YOU @VictorStSimonOfficial

… Cap is not going to like this.

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

Also for no particular reason, I have decided to get Marly a bottle of his favorite whiskey.

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

Can I get in on this? Because I could punch that reporter, no problem. I don’t like the tone he’s been taking when asking about our Captain.

Carter Baby @AdmiralCarterVaughn

Wait until he asks you if you think it’s appropriate for your captain to be in family events around ‘all those impressionable young children’.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

And you let him live????? That man pulls that shit in Boston and he’ll be sleeping with the fishes with very heavy boots.

Go Raiders!!!! @BostonRaidersOfficial

Please be advised that our players are jokesters that would never harm anyone off the ice. Any perceived threats of bodily harm are meant as jabs and not to be taken seriously.

Hammering All Day Long @BradHammersmithRaiders

Come on, Laura! We’ve got to defend Roz!

Go Raiders!!!! @BostonRaidersOfficial

The Boston Raiders have a very competent team of lawyers that will ensure that no player of ours is slandered or harassed. Our players should focus on having each other’s backs on the ice, we have their backs off it.

Connor x (1+s) @BostonRaidersConnorConnorsOfficial

Does this mean that I can punch Kent next time he calls us faggots?

Go Raiders!!!! @BostonRaidersOfficial

It means you are all scheduled for media training tomorrow and that I’m going to have to beg Scott Hunter to delete this whole thread.

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

No need for begging Laura, I always delete any comments with slurs in them.

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983 

I think that all players should get to make a reporter of their choosing answer any question they want at the end of each season, actually.

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983 

Or not any question, but any question related to the topics they’ve been asked during the season.

Montreal Nurse @metrosfan2983 

I bet hockey news would start being far more focused on the actual hockey all of the sudden. 

Cliff Jumping Is My Hobby @NoIDontSwim

Come on, Roz! Let Marly punch the bigot!

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Oh fuck that guy, why did he have to upset Roz? We were all enjoying ourselves!

More Shirtless Roz please and thank you @GimmeARozAfterMidnight 

This is why we should bring back stoning people to death.

HollanovForever @8124Truther

They are actually leaving?

HollanovForever @8124Truther

But I still have so many questions!!!

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

Why do bigots always ruin the fun?

Dash @ImHereForFootballAndHockey

It’s not that bad, I’m sure they’ll give other interviews.

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

You don’t understand, they are going to leash Roz after this.

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

We’ll get thought out answers that consider the optics and ramifications!

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

We’ll have to rely on Hollander-style statements from now on!!!

Have you never wanted to go completely apeshit? @UnhingedOnMain 

We’re never ever ever getting a lore drop again.

What did I miss ? @PerpetuallyTired 

LeClaire is literally the only person in the world happy that this is over.

What did I miss ? @PerpetuallyTired 

The poor man wanted to be on his coach drinking a beer an hour ago, instead he’s had front row seats to this shitshow AND now he'll have to attend an emergency meeting to deal with all of this.

Lance @merthurmoviewhen

LeClaire’s gruff approval means more to me than my own mother’s.

Alice @pucksandjaws

… I’ll let mom know she can return the flags she’d ordered for Pride Month then.

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

Wait no, this cannot be it.

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

I need more.

FREE ME @atworkandhatingit

Please, just one more unhinged reveal!!!!

Chirp Chirp Motherfucker! @CatchTheseSticks 

And, of course, Roz ends it with a chirp.

We have the cutest Captain, deal with it @MetrosGirl

The ‘second best’ he ‘settled for’ is leading the scoring race  🤷

Oh Captain My Captain @Rozysbiceps

Sure, but Roz is leading the league in points, so…

Shane's freckles @CosmosHottestHockeyBoy

Girls, girls, no more fighting, we are all family now.

Metros Dynasty @metrofan1975

I cannot believe that this is my life.

RoRoRozanov @IlyaRozanovPlayer

Rumors are true: I am in a serious committed relationship. This will be sad for a lot of people, I know. Some will cry and that’s okay, some will try to make up lies about me and my boyfriend in an attempt to cope because they are losers. 

RoRoRozanov @IlyaRozanovPlayer

Still I think there is something we can all agree on, and it is this: my boyfriend is hotter than Scott Hunter’s. I win at being gay and literally no one is surprised about this. Sources: Calvin Klein, CCM and Peloton  #AllIdoIsWIn #GrandpasAimForNumber3

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

This was not the statement we agreed on! Also, you do NOT win at being gay because you are *bi* AND my boyfriend is hotter than yours. Sources: Adidas, Bugatti and CCM.

RoRoRozanov @IlyaRozanovPlayer

This is biphobic Shane, internet will cancel you again. #FreeLily

Scott Hunter @ScottHunterOfficial

Fuck both of you, Kip is hotter AND he’s not an annoying little shit.

Shane Hollander Hockey Player @ShaneHollanderOfficial

Scott, if you want to try to compete, you should at least cite your sources.

RoRoRozanov @IlyaRozanovPlayer

Hunter, go to sleep already and stop bothering us, I’m trying to flirt with my boyfriend,

LiliesAreBetterThanRoses @Lily1410

This is not my burner account

Don’t Perceive me @JohnnyReads

Sure

Shanon @tampababe

We believe you.

Hell yeah butifarra @Idontgohere

Okay!

Oh Captain My Captain @RaidersGirlie81

As you say, my king.

Pucks in the net @AllHockey2453 

Thank you for clearing that up, Roz

Chapter End Notes

And we come to the end! Thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to read (and bookmark, and kudo, and comment!!!) my story, the reception has been amazing! And sorry this last chapter took so long, it just kept getting longer XD and doing the twitter part is a lot more time consuming than I thought.