Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

cliff marleau, Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Crack, Humor, Funny, Boston Accents, Accidental Outing, heated rivalry tv show, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-02-05 Words: 1,506 Chapters: 1/1

Come on, it’s a little funny.

Summary

Shane has a bad day that gets worse when Marleau shows up.

Notes

I don’t remember what Marleau sounded like since he only had like 3 lines, and I just finished watching Ted (the series) so I’m picturing him with the thickest Boston accent you can imagine.
Set after episode 6 but before any team switching happens.

The worst part of losing to the Raiders now is that all Shane wants to do is forget his defeat by getting railed by his boyfriend (wow, that’s so weird to think of him that way), but said boyfriend is out celebrating his defeat. Well, that’s not fair, he’s celebrating a winning streak with his teammates, but that’s not how it feels. 

Shane heads back to his hotel and watches playback of the game over and over, analyzing what he did wrong and how the team could improve blah blah blah. It’s excruciating. He always obsesses over every little mistake. When Hayden sets up his laptop to do a video call with his kids, ew, Shane can’t take it anymore. He doesn’t bother making an excuse, he just grabs his stuff and leaves, taking a cab to Ilya’s. It’s more comfortable to wait there. Plus, he can put on one of his shirts and smell him all around and it’s comforting. There’s a jersey on top of a laundry pile in the bedroom, Shane strips off his own clothes and puts it on. 

Jane: I’m at your place. Gonna be out late?

Lily: my darling I am very drunk and I lobrrou

Jane: when are you coming home? 

Lily: sooner every minute 

It appears he didn’t go grocery shopping. Shane is starting to think he isn’t trying to impress him anymore. There aren’t many restaurants that deliver this far outside the city, but there is a decent ramen place he orders from. Estimated delivery time: one hour. 

An hour goes by and the food isn’t here. Goddamn, he’s getting grumpy. He eats carrot sticks in the meantime, but it’s not the least bit satisfying. 

At 10:30 pm a car rolls into the gravel driveway and out stumbles that vodka-soaked bisexual disaster from the passenger seat. He practically stumbles inside the door, waving goodbye to his ride like a little kid waving to the bus.

He giddily jumps on the couch, sprawling on top of Shane.

“I missed you!” 

“Oh my god, you stink! Did you smoke a whole pack?”

“No, I quit cigarettes for you. Only cigar, because we celebrate.”

“Please go brush your teeth.” 

Ilya makes a big production of getting up and clomping over to his bathroom. 

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Finally! Food!

Shane hurries to the door and swings it open. He freezes. It’s not the food. It’s Marleau. Fucking Marleau standing face to face with Shane. His eyes go wide. He looks Shane up and down, clearly recognizing that he’s wearing nothing but boxers and Ilya’s jersey. Uh ohhhhh.

“What are you doing here, bro?”

“NOTHING.”

Shane panics and slams the door. What the fuck? Oh shit. That was stupid. 

Outside he hears cackling laughter. The laughter of the most aggressively Boston man since Ben Affleck losing his absolute shit. Like an Uncle that just saw your dad do something stupid and knows he has a story he can tell to embarrass him for the rest of his life. Laughter that sounds more like slaughter.

Shane can’t breathe. He leans against the wall next to the door face first, as if smushing his forehead in will stop his racing mind. 

There’s a tap on the window. Fuck! This fucking glass house! Why are all rich people houses made of 90% window?? Marleau is looking right at him.

“Roz left his phone in my car. Can I give it to him?” 

Shane opens the door again but doesn’t move otherwise. He’s making the eeeeeeuuuhhhhhh sound like Tina Belcher. Marleau strolls past him, still laughing, the fuckface, and puts the phone on the counter.

“Roz! You forgot something, dipshit!”

Ilya runs in, toothbrush in mouth, also in his underwear. 

“What the fuck, man?”

“I brought your phone. You’re welcome. But I think I broke your doorman over there.” 

Ilya sees Shane and rushes over to him, standing between him and Marleau like a shield. He puts his hand on his neck and talks close to his ear.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok. Everything will be ok. Cliff is my friend, he won’t tell anyone, will he?”

Cliff holds up his hands.

“Bro, I don’t even know what I’m looking at here! Are you two ‘mos now?” 

Shane’s whine intensifies. Ilya glares over his shoulder at the interloper. He turns his attention back to Shane. 

“Just take a deep breath. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

“It’s already happening! The whole day has been bad! I played like shit and we lost and you weren’t here and my noodles didn’t come and I’m tired and Marleau saw me in my underwear and I’m hungry…”

“There’s a bag out there in the driveway, that’s probably your dinner.” 

“Thanks for getting that, Cliff.” Ilya deadpans through clenched teeth. 

Marleau fetches ramen, the paper bag soaked through in the snow. He puts it in the microwave without being asked. Ok, maybe he’s not such a fuckface after all. 

Shane sits at the counter and waits for his meal, not looking at anyone. 

“So is this exactly what it looks like, or…?” Marleau starts giggling again.

“It’s not funny.” Shane seethes.

“C’mon, it’s a little funny.” 

Ilya stifles a laugh. It is a little funny. 

Shane gets his food from the microwave and starts eating. The noodles are a little mushy, but it tastes good and he instantly feels better with something in his stomach. 

“How long have you… wait.” Cliff’s face drops. “Is this the Montreal girl?” 

“Yes.” 

“The whole time? The whole time? Right in front of my salad?! Aah!” He bursts out in a scream-laugh, face red, choking on his own amusement.

“Salad? What?” It’s Ilya’s turn to be embarrassed. 

“I think it’s a meme,” Shane says between bites. The humiliation burns less now that the panic attack has subsided.

“Okay, okay, this is starting to feel like a personal attack.” Ilya gestures at his teammate.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t get over… Shane Hollander? Wearing a Rozanov jersey? That’s just… flabbergasting! Wait, is that a gay thing?”

“What?” They both say.

“Flabber-nevermind. I just won’t say it anymore, sounds gross.” 

Ilya rubs his eyes, he’s too inebriated for this.

“Cliff… are we cool? You and I? Or is this going to be a whole thing?”

“Oh yeah, we’re cool, I don’t judge. I mean I’m judging your taste in men, obviously, but I don’t care if you’re queer.” (Pronounced kweeah”)

“Oh no,” Shane interjects, “that, uh, that sounds bad when you say it.” 

“What, queer? I don’t mean it like a slur, I’m just saying, like, you’re part of the queer community.”

“Nope, stop, sounds worse somehow.”

“Well what do you like to be called? LGBTQ?”

“Nothing! Don’t refer to me. Period.” 

“I’d rather be called a faggot than what you just said” Ilya slurs.

“Sheesh, sounds like you got some internalized homophobia to deal with.”

“Where the fuck did you learn that, Marleau?”

“What? You think I’m some uncultured ignoramus? I read books. Well, magazines. Well, I was on tumblr, close enough.”

“Oh no,” Shane mumbles.

“I’m just saying, ya know, I’m cool with gay people. I had a gay friend in high school. Anyone who wants to suck my dick is fine by me.”

“Whoa, come again?”

“That’s what he said.” He winks.

“Dude. Come on. All gay men don’t wanna fuck you, you’re not that special.”

“I’m not saying ALL gay men, but that one guy in high school did. He’d come over after school, we’d watch movies or play video games, he’d give me head and then go home. No big deal.”

“Wow! So you’re also bi?”

“Me? No, I didn’t wanna kiss him or fuck him or anything. It was just something he liked to do and I was happy to let him.”

“Huh. You’re an interesting guy.” Shane says.

“I am. We should hang out.”

“Just to be clear,” Ilya iterates, “that is never, ever going to happen here.”

“Oh god no, I wouldn’t want you to! We have to work together, it’d be awkward.”

“Right. And also you are not my type.”

“Clearly, you have a thing for losers.”

“Hey, fuck you!” 

“We trounced your ass today!” He cackles again.

“Fuck this, I’m going to bed. It’s been awful meeting you. Goodnight.” Shane retreats.

“Alright, that’s my cue to leave. See ya later, Roz.”

“Bye. And also… thanks. For… ya know. Being my friend.” Ilya’s eyes well up, feeling emotional about being found out and getting a not-bad reaction.

“Of course, buddy.” He gives Ilya a bear hug. “Now go fag it up, your secret’s safe with me.”

He leaves and sits in his car for a minute. Damn, it’s gonna be the hardest thing he’s ever done keeping his mouth shut about this. He opens his phone and makes a note to write down all the jokes he can come up with. That’s how he’s gonna resist blabbing, write it all down and then read it back when he gets Ilya and Shane alone. That’ll be fun.