Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov

Additional Tags:

Social Media, Texting Fic, Leaked Nudes, Shane Hollander Has a Big Dick, Hung Shane Hollander, basically a load of dick jokes, Crack, Ilya Rozanov's Last Year Playing in Boston

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-08-31 Words: 6,815 Chapters: 1/1

The Dickscourse

Summary

Ilya: You didn’t send to me(((((
Jane: No, its a terrible picture. I retook it. Thought I’d deleted them all.
Ilya: You should send them all
Ilya: Never a bad picture of your dick
Jane: I am never taking another picture ever again, are you kidding?
Ilya: Nooooo!
Ilya: I will kill the person who did this

Shane's dick pic leaks but it doesn't do him justice. Ilya can't believe people are being this wrong about it on the internet.

Notes

Inspired by this tumblr post & the beautiful commenters. (it only took me three months!)

Social media usernames are made up and any resemblance to real users living or dead is purely coincidental.

This isn't beta'd. If you notice any funky formatting, please tell me!

HOCKEYNEWS.COM

LIVE UPDATES: Montreal Metros Captain Shane Hollander’s photographs, texts leak

SHANE HOLLANDER, Captain of the Montreal Metros, has been the subject of a deliberate leak of text messages and photographs from his personal phone. Hollander has released a statement confirming his device was stolen last night, and the images obtained by the thief. The matter is in the hands of the SPVM and Hollander requested privacy at this time. 

The Montreal Metros have echoed this call, and declined to comment any further. 

SEE ALSO: 

ARTICLE: ROMANTIC REUNION? Leaked texts show Shane Hollander and starlet ex, Rose Landry are still in contact. 

HOCKEYNEWS.COM

SLIDESHOW: Leaked Images from Shane Hollander’s Camera Roll 

[Gym Selfie]

[Smoothie picture]

[Gym Selfie]

[Salad picture]

[Screenshot of Strava run]

[Picture of weight rack]

[Picture of a plate loaded with chicken and brown rice]

[Selfie with his parents]

[Mirror selfie - shirtless] 

[Smiling selfie]

[Post-practice selfie, sweaty with his gear still on] 

[Screenshots of Zillow listings in Montreal]

[Screenshots of Zillow listings in Ottawa]

@TMZ: EXCLUSIVE: All the photos from the Shane Hollander Leak, including details of naked images: at this link

> @Holly247: FUCK YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE

> @Metros5eva: wait including WHAT? 

>> @Puckspuckspucks: a dick pic 

>>> @Metros5eva: SHANE HOLLANDER had a dick pic leak?

>>>> @Puckspuckspucks: apparently yes 

> @SHollanderUpdates: this is such an invasion of privacy ffs

> @Nikikikis: I don’t know this man but he is really fucking hot, so here I go.

>> @nikikikis: damn. I’d like to say this was the quickest a man disappointed me but it’s not

The first thing that Ilya noticed when he grabbed his phone that morning is that there was no text from Shane. He was always awake first, even sometimes when time zones made that a little ridiculous. Ilya couldn’t believe he’d fallen in love with a morning person. He hadn’t minded too much at the cottage, especially since Shane slept a little later on break. Plus, Shane being awake first meant that Ilya woke to a sleepy Shane looking at him warmly, or, more commonly, squirming against him and already worked up. 

He felt a pang of disappointment and opened his messages to text him instead. As he did, notifications flooded in from the Raiders group chat. 

St-Simone: holy shit have you seen the Hollander news?

Ilya sat up quickly, hurrying to google Shane, panic rising inside him. 

LIVE UPDATES: Montreal Metros Captain Shane Hollander’s photographs, texts leak

Okay. Shane was okay. 

Wait. A leak? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

In the spit second it took the article to load, Ilya’s heart had climbed into his throat. Shane would be freaking out, even more than Ilya was right now. But as soon as he re-read the headline, he realised it didn’t include either any mention of Shane’s sexuality or Ilya’s name.

Thank fuck. Okay. They were safe. 

He immediately opened his messages with Shane. 

Ilya: You okay?

He realised as it sent that Shane didn’t have his phone. 

Ilya: Shit. if the asshole who stole this phone is reading this: fuck you 

He needed to make sure Shane was okay. Would he have to wait until Shane got a new number? Would Shane have Ilya's number?

Ilya realised with relief that he had the Hollander’s numbers now. There was a group chat. Figuring that Yuna would be busy being terrifying to journalists and lawyers, he called Shane’s father. 

“Hey,” David said. “Shane’s good, we’re here in Montreal with him.” 

“Thank you,” Ilya said, relieved. 

“He’s on a call right now with Yuna and Farah. Do you want me to interrupt?” David asked. 

Yes, he did. “No,” he said, reluctantly. “How is he?” 

“Obviously stressed,” David said. “Did you see what leaked?” 

“No, I just woke up. Is it bad?” 

“You two are good,” David said quickly, his tone very calming. "But … some other things were there that Shane wouldn’t want public. There’s… um. A picture.” 

David embarrassed sounded so much like Shane. So … a nude? Fuck, Shane would hate that. Ilya wasn’t thrilled about a naked picture of his Shane being on the internet either. 

“Fucking assholes,” he said, not sure who was included in that. Maybe the whole internet?

“Yeah,” David sighed. “I’ll have him call you. He has a new phone on the way, so he’ll be contactable soon.” 

“Thanks, David,” Ilya said. 

“You okay? Gotta to be scary for you, too.” 

Ilya smiled. “I am angry, but I am okay if he is. Tell him I love him.” 

“Of course,” David said. “Call me if you need anything.” 

“I will,” Ilya promised, before they hung up. 

Ilya knew he shouldn’t look, but he also felt like he needed to.

The article made his skin crawl. It seemed like they’d taken screenshots of a couple of conversations on Shane’s phone - the Metros groupchat; Shane and Hayden; Shane and Rose. And their messages, too, but that was at least under Lily. 

Ilya scrolled immediately to the pictures, wondering what it was that David had alluded to. And then he found the dick pic. Fuck. 

It was from about a week ago, taken in a hotel bathroom while they’d been sexting. Ilya had sent frantic pleas, and Shane had resisted playfully before he’d complied. He hadn’t sent this specific one, though. 

It was a view from above, Shane’s hand holding his hard cock with it pointing directly at the camera. Ilya could see why he’d sent a different one - it wasn’t a great angle. Still, it looked good, any picture of Shane looked fucking great. His own dick twitched as he stared at it, clearly not aware of the context.

Someone had taken Shane’s phone, realised what they had, and posted this to the fucking internet. 

He closed the tab angrily and tossed his phone across the bed as he swore under his breath.

@MHLRumours - Well, there are things I didn’t think I’d ever know about Hollander, but here we are. #hollanderleak

@Shayden2435 Is… is this a safe space to say I’ve looked at It? #hollanderleak

> @Pikanders Um. I have too. (I bet Hayden loved It) WHO SAID THAT? #hollanderleak

Jane ❤️😘💦👅

22 November

11.23

Jane: Hey, it’s me on my new number. 

Jane: Fuck.

Jane: I know you’re probably freaked out. Don’t worry, I delete everything so I don’t think anything should be on there that will implicate you. It doesn’t seem like there is so far, but I’m so sorry. 

Ilya: ?? 

Jane: I know, I know. Really, I’m sorry. 

Ilya: Sweetheart. no 

Ilya: I mean what the fuck are you talking about? Some asshole stole your phone & sold your (very boring) texts. I know you are Canadian but you don’t need to say sorry

Jane: I should have been more careful. 

Ilya: Asshole should not have taken phone and sold things. Relax. no one knows, we are safe

Ilya: Are you okay? 

Jane: Haha. Not really. 

Ilya: Call me!

Jane: I’m still on a call with Farah and my mom, talking about my fucking dick pic. Jesus, I can’t believe I missed that one.

Ilya: Poor Jane

Ilya: It’s okay

Ilya: It’s a great dick

Jane: Not helpful 

Ilya: Just telling the truth!

Ilya: It’s from last week?

Jane: Yeah 

Ilya: You didn’t send to me(((((

Jane: No, its a terrible picture. I retook it. Thought I’d deleted them all.

Ilya: How many did you take before you picked one? Why are you keeping them from me?

Jane: Shut up

Ilya: No, tell me, I want to know how many I miss out on every time. You should send them all

Ilya: Never a bad picture of your dick

Jane: I am never taking another picture ever again, are you kidding?

Ilya: Nooooo!

Ilya: I will kill the person who did this

Ilya looked through the articles, seeking out every picture, wanting to know for certain what exactly they’d shared about Shane. Most of them had been taken for Ilya, in one way or another. Sharing each other’s day with each other like that was one small way they tried to include each other in everything. They hadn’t seen each other in about six weeks, and there were two weeks left until they would be in the same place. 

Long distance was the worst. Obviously. Ilya had known it would be hard, but it was so much worse than he’d expected. Sometimes, he found it hard to believe anything had actually changed between them, when so much of his life was like it had been the year before. Shane Hollander, his boyfriend? That couldn’t be real. Shane Hollander wasn’t actually messaging him ‘good morning, baby’ and smiling at him over FaceTime. He couldn’t have actually spent weeks this summer being as physically close to Shane as possible, soaking up all the contact they could have.

He went to find the leaked text threads, searching for the messages with ‘Lily’ first. 

Transcript: Leaked texts between Shane & Lily

16 November 2017

Shane: Good morning, baby. 

Shane: [picture of a smoothie]

Lily: good morning

Lily: [picture of a McDonalds bag]

Shane: I know you’re lying to get to me. That’s the same picture you sent me last week.

Lily: You remember? Ohhh I see. You are obsessed

Shane: 😘

Shane: Can I call on the treadmill? 

Lily: Yes 

17 November 2017

6.17am

Shane: Good morning, baby.

10.33

Shane: Goodnight, baby. 

18 November 2017

6am

Shane: Good morning, baby.

7.30pm

Shane: Fuck, baby, that was beautiful. 

Shane: Love you so much. Call whenever you’re home. 

19 November 2017

6.07am

Shane: Good morning, baby. 

Shane: [Link: ESPN.com - WATCH AGAIN: LA QUEENS DEFEAT SF MISSION 4-1....]

Shane: SF have to make a call on their second line soon. 

8.47am

Lily: Mm, they need to shift Rogers from the third

Shane: That might work. Barker just can’t keep up with Linstead. 

Lily: When he was with Dallas he was so much stronger. Might be injury?

Shane: He’s neve been fast enough.

Lily: wow

Lily: you are so sexy when you’re bitchy

Shane: 😉

Lily: 😍👅💦🍆

20 November

6.22am

Shane: Morning, baby.

Shane: Did you see the check against Hunter last night? 

Shane: [Link: ESPN.com - NY ADMIRALS VS PHILLY LIBERTIES BEST MOMENTS]

10.45am

Lily: I did. Should be illegal to treat elderly this way

11.30am

Shane: 😂

Shane: He is getting checked more often and harder, though. It’s obvious.

Lily: Yes, your favourite podcasters say it’s to be expected for people to play hard against the defending champions

Shane: Are they fucking serious? They’re not targeting the team, they’re targeting Hunter. Vaughn too, because he’s clearly backing Hunter up. Thank god. 

Shane: And you know I hate that podcast. 

Lily: It’s bullshit. And if Hunter calls it out…

Shane: They’ll say he’s soft. Fucking assholes. 

Lily: Call me on your drive home? No podcasts for you, don’t make yourself mad. 

Shane: Okay, I will. 

21 November

6.02am

Shane: Morning, baby. 

Lily: You ready to win tonight?

Shane: Against Toronto? Always. 

7:33pm

Lily: 💋😘🎉

Lily: Beautiful goal. 

Lily: Send picture of bruise from that check

Lily: I wish I could lick the blood from your lips

Lily: ASSIST!

Lily: AND GOAL! So sexy

9.08pm

Shane: Glad you enjoyed the game. ☺️😉

Lily: So much. 

Shane: Out with the team tonight, so can’t call until later. When are you flying?

Lily: I will be on the plane in an hour, and you will be in bed when I land. Talk to you in the morning. Great game, sweetheart. Goodnight 😘❤️❤️💋

Shane: Goodnight, baby. 

The thread was very sparse, and Ilya knew why. It was too dangerous to keep identifying messages on their phones. So a lot of Ilya’s replies were just … gone. Mostly, he thought, because had started to include Russian words more often.

He ran his eyes over the texts again, trying to fill in the blanks. So many pictures they’d sent were missing - and not just the nudes. Any time Ilya had said 'good morning,' 'goodnight,' 'I love you,' 'beautiful.' Most of their flirting. 

Shane called as he was re-reading, and Ilya answered immediately.  

“I can’t believe it,” Shane said, sighing. 

“I know, moya lyubov.” 

“The idiot sent them to his own email address,” Shane said. “So there’s that. The police have something to go off.” 

“So he is stupid and an asshole.” 

“Yeah. I can also tell exactly what he has, so that’s good. We were out after the win and I noticed my phone was gone when I came back from the bathroom. I don’t know if it fell out of my pocket or if it was pickpocketed. I locked it down right away using Hayden’s phone, so he only got to send about 50 pictures total. Including the screenshots he took.” 

“Nothing bad in the pictures that haven’t been posted online?” Ilya asked. 

“No, he sold the juicy one,” Shane said bitterly. “I can’t believe I missed it.” 

“It’s okay, Shane.” 

“My dick is all over the internet, Ilya.” 

“Could be worse. You could have an ugly dick.” 

Shane laughed, and Ilya smiled. 

“Why are you laughing? Shane, I have told you this, you have the most beautiful dick,” Ilya said. 

“Shut up, my parents are outside,” Shane said. “And it’s eleven in the morning.”

“You think there is a time of day I’m not thinking about your dick?” Ilya asked. 

“Well, so is the rest of the world, today,” Shane said dryly. 

“I’m so sorry, moya lyubov. Is there anything I can do to help?” 

“This is helping,” Shane said, with a smile. “I wish we could see each other in person.” 

Ilya closed his eyes. “Me too.” 

Shane paused. “Thank god they didn’t screenshot the calendar.” 

Ilya smiled fondly. “No, why would they think Shane Hollander has a sex calendar?” 

“It’s not a sex calendar,” Shane protested, but Ilya could hear the smile in his voice as they fell back into the familiar back-and-forth. 

“Yes it is. I told you, you should add it with what you want to do when we meet,” Ilya said. “Maybe I’ll do it. Two weeks." 

“Thirteen days,” Shane corrected.

Ilya smiled. “Yes. I love you.” 

Shane smiled. “Love you too,” he said. “I was thinking - we need to facetime more instead of pictures.” 

“Okay,” Ilya said. “Even though I am very sad I won’t get sexy pictures. I will get gym selfies, though?” 

“Yeah, I think they’re safe,” Shane said fondly.

Transcript: Leaked texts from MTL METROS 17-18 SEASON

20 November

Shane: @everyone: Video meeting Friday before practice, starting at 9. I’m covering breakfast. Add your orders here: [Link: stviateurbagel.com - Group Order]

JJ: merci, Cap!

Andropov: you are the greatest!

Comeau: aw man, can’t we do Fairmont this time?

Shane: Not on my watch. 

JJ: @Comeau don’t start again. You’ll tear the team apart! 

Andropov: think of the rookies, man. 

JJ: Rookies? Mitty cried last time

Mitty: a) I was drunk; b) he shit talked my bagels. 

Comeau: 🤣

Mitty: Anyway, before we blow up the room for good: Walking Dead watch party this Sun, my place. I'll have beers and food. 

Comeau: you and your fucking zombies man

Andropov: I’ll be there! 

Hayden: enjoy, guys

Comeau: oh woah, Pike can’t make it?

Comeau: what a shock

Hayden: fuck you. At least I see my kids

Comeau: I don’t have 12 of them, man. 

JJ: see you then, Mitty

Shane: Can’t be there, but thank you. 

Comeau: Second shocker of the night! 

21 November

10.45am

JJ: GAME DAY, AWEILLE! 

Shane: Let’s go! 

8.56pm

JJ: Drinks tonight, to celebrate kicking Toronto’s ass! 

JJ: @Shane that includes you, Cap! 

Shane: Yeah, I’ll be there. 

Gagnon: YES CAP

Mitty: VICTOIRE! 

Hayden: oh shit!

Mitty: Jackie has to let you out now man

Hayden: I’ll be there!

11.43pm

Hayden: Anyone seen Cap’s phone? 

Transcript: Leaked texts between Shane & Hayden

21 November

Hayden: [Image: Amber covered in unidentifiable green food]

Shane: That’s so cute. What’s she eating?

Hayden: It was spinach at some point. 

Shane: She has great tastebuds already. 

Hayden: Not sure how much she actually ate. 

Hayden: The twins asked who I was texting, and now they want their Uncle Shane to see these pictures they drew

Hayden: [Images: photos of two kids drawings]

Shane: Great job, girls! Can you teach me how to draw like that?

Hayden: They’re demanding to see you now

Shane: Friday after practice? 

Hayden: Deal! 

Hayden: Actually… 

Shane: Yes. I’ll babysit any time. 

Hayden: At least let me ask! 

Hayden: Nevermind 

Hayden: Can you do it after the next roadie? It won't be late, just for an early dinner. We’ll take Amber because she’s still so little, so it’d be the other three. 

Shane: Of course. You can leave Amber too. 

Hayden: She’s not great with taking bottles so Jackie finds it more stressful to leave her. And honestly at this point one kid feels like none. 

Hayden: I’m going to owe you so much when it’s your turn

Shane: Haha. I’m keeping a tab, don’t worry.

Hayden: Jackie has so many friends, dude. Say the word 

Shane: 🙄

Hayden: I’m just saying….

Shane: Don’t. Or I’ll take back the offer. 

@Takeahike: OH MY GOD the texts!!! I CAN’T they are so fucking cute

>@Shayden2435: I KNOW. The teasing about setting Shane up? SO funny. 

>@Pikelanders: Papa Shane loves those babies! My heart. 

>> @Shayden2435: the papa who stepped UP

@Raidersftw: lol he’s so fucking boring I couldn’t get through half the article. Call me when Rozy’s pictures are online #hollanderleak

> @Metros5eva: wait - you’re saying you want to see Ilya Rozanov’s dick? 

>> @Raidersftw: no. But it would be better than Hollander’s. 

>>> @Bostonraid: lol obviously have you seen it? Never seen one so fucking small 

>>>> @Metros5eva: exactly how many dicks are you looking at?

BOSTON BOIIIIIIIS 17-18

22 November

Carmy: lol man this leak is so fucking funny 

St-Simon: Haha right? The metros chat is so boring

Connors: 😂

Marly: 😂😝😂

Sebbin: Also. Hollander’s dick pic

Carmy: Oh man

Marly: Feel sorry for the chick he’s sending them to hahahaha

St-Simon: Right? 

Connors: We don’t know he sent it

Carmy: Why else would he take it?

Marly: … Connors, do you just take pictures of your dick for no reason?

Connors: fuck you

Connors: I’m just saying, there is no evidence in the texts with his girl that he actually sent it

Sebbin: She’d need to zoom in

St-Simon: 😆

Sebbin: 200% minimum

Connors: hahaha 

Carmy: Honestly, I was surprised by how tiny it is.

Marly: @Cap knows one way he’ll always beat him 

Connors: Hahahaha 

Carmy: So fucking true. 

Sebbin: Congratulations, Cap. 

St-Simon: The real MVP 

Carmy: MLP

Carmy: Most large penis 

Ilya had no fucking clue what his team were talking about. Did they all need eye tests? Glasses? He started typing a message about how St-Simone’s goal percentage made sense if he was this fucking blind, then forced himself to delete it. 

He probably couldn’t send a defense of Shane’s dick to the team chat. That would maybe be a little suspicious. But it was ridiculous, because Shane was fucking hung. The first glimpse of Shane’s dick in the showers (before he’d even got hard) had seared itself in Ilya’s mind. Shane had by far the biggest dick Ilya had ever seen, including his own. And okay, maybe Ilya’s jokes about 9 inches were slight exaggerations, but he was also above average. Incredibly impressive, except when compared to Shane. 

And then someone sent the picture in the groupchat again, for the benefit of Hammy who had just opened the thread. Or maybe to jumpscare him. Ilya tamped down the fury that everyone on his team was looking at Shane’s dick, and looked at the picture again. 

Oh. 

The angle really was terrible. It had been taken looking straight down, most of the length covered by Shane’s hand and with no real outside sense of scale. So actually … it did look deceptively small. 

He tossed his phone to the other end of his couch, swearing loudly in his empty house. 

He lasted a whole ten seconds before he reached for it again to look online. 

@HockeyGossDaily: Shane Hollander to Rose Landry: 

> @bostonraids: I just look at that picture of Shane Hollander and wonder, is there a God? And if there is, did he run out of clay?

@Puckspuckspucks: Look. Lotta discourse flying around, but I have to say: Shane Hollander is a literal hockey god and also a model. If the cost of all that is a couple of inches… well… #hollanderleak 

> @Holly247: it’s just such a bad picture? Shane, my love, what are you doing? The lighting is so bad. Convinced the angle doesn’t help. 

>>@Puckspuckspucks: it’d work on me though 

>>>@Holly247: oh for sure yeah. 

@Shayden2435: everyone should just fuck off and stop making these jokes. It’s not funny. Who cares? 

> @pikelanders: not hayden! We know he’s more than happy

>> @Shayden2435: SO TRUE BESTIE, you know he is. Really, there IS such a thing as too big, and Hayden knows this. 

>>> @Pikelanders: truly a goldilocks situation yepyep 

@majorloverofhockey: it’s not about the size of the hockey stick, it’s the skill of the handler.

@hockeyfan90: I can’t believe there are discourse threads on shane hollander’s dick size on my timeline. 

The urge to correct them was so strong. To tell them all how amazing Shane was, in every fucking way. That not only was he a hockey god, he was hung like one too. 

Ilya was not the only person in the MLH who knew this. Shane had spent his whole life sharing locker rooms and showers. Where the fuck were those people now? 

What was the point of Hayden Pike if he wouldn’t back Shane up at a moment like this?

Jane ❤️😘💦👅

Ilya: Have you seen twitter?

Jane: Absolutely not. 

Jane: The guys are sharing highlights in the groupchat, which is more than enough. 

Ilya: Are they giving you shit??

Jane: Their texts did just leak because of me, so I can handle it.

Ilya: Not because of you, I keep telling you this

Ilya: And they should be defending you!

Jane: Defending me?

Ilya: They know your dick is huge!

Jane: Oh my god, they’d better not say anything publicly about any of this.

Jane: Wait 

Jane: Ilya

Jane: DO NOT post anything about my dick

Jane: Ilya

Jane: ILYA

Ilya: I won’t

Ilya: I fucking can’t, I know this

Ilya: Unlike teammates

Jane: I don’t want anyone posting about my dick! They’ll forget about it, I don’t care. Just let it calm down.

Ilya: But they are saying you have small dick, this is insulting!

Jane: I don’t care?

Ilya: Insulting to your beautiful dick

Jane: Jesus Christ.

Ilya: Biggest dick I have ever seen

Jane: Stop.

Ilya: No! I must defend his honour! 

Jane: Ilya...

Ilya: Shane! They are all so wrong, moy shlang

Jane: I’m not even asking what that means.

Ilya: Garden hose 

Jane: 🙄

Ilya: Pike knows. has seen many times and definitely looked. He can say he has seen it and it is huge

Jane: He can’t! And he hasn’t looked. And who would believe him? 

Jane: Not to mention, that looks even more pathetic. 

Ilya: Your dick is not pathetic! the world must know 

Jane: Again: I don’t want the world to know anything about my dick.

Ilya: it's too late, is out of bottle or whatever

Jane: Ilya, I know you know it and that’s all I want. 

Jane: Ilya? 

Ilya: Fine. 

Transcript: leaked texts between Shane & Rose

15 November

Rose: Terrible luck! Hope you lose xx 

Shane: Uh, sorry, no can do. Detroit are going down. 

Shane: You can just call it any time, you know. You don’t need to stay loyal to them. 

Rose: Like I called it with you?

Shane: Okay, ouch. 😂

Shane: I was a better boyfriend than the Falcons, and that’s not saying much

Rose: Debatable. 

Shane: Your brothers in tonight?

Rose: Yeah, three of them. My Dad will be there too. 

Shane: I can get them an upgrade?

Rose: They would love me forever. 

Shane: Hard not to. 😊

Shane: I’ll email you the seat info. I’d offer to say hi after, but we’re flying straight out. 

Rose: Aw, they’ll be heartbroken. 

Shane: Especially considering we’ll have crushed their team

Rose: And people think you’re nice. 

Shane: 😇

@Landryupdates: Rose Landry’s ex, Shane Hollander, has phone hacked; leak includes texts with Rose. 

> @Landryupdates: we’re going to respect Rose’s privacy and not post the content of these texts. 

@Lalalanders: we are so back. No one has ever been this back. #Hollandry 

@Hollandrytrenches: GUYS THE LORE THE LORE. 

> @Lalanders: SERIOUSLY. A year of wondering, and we know now? Except we don’t, actually? SHE broke up with HIM? He was a terrible boyfriend??

>> @Hollandrytrenches: I don’t get it? He was bad, but not bad enough that a) he can’t joke about it and b) she is still his friend?

>>>@Lalanders: we have so much information but also so many new questions.

The people who weren’t making stupid, incorrect jokes about Shane’s dick were dissecting the Rose Landry thread. Of course the hacker had shared those, and of course everyone was so excited to get more context. 

Ilya was over the Rose Landry thing. He was. Shane had suggested they meet someday, and Ilya had agreed. It did help that it wasn’t going to happen until the following summer, because of all three of their schedules. At least then, Rose Landry would know that Shane was taken. Ilya had told Shane it was okay to tell her who his secret boyfriend was, but Shane wanted to wait until he saw her in person in a couple of months. 

He could hear Shane’s voice in his head, “Ilya. I’m gay.” But even though they were in a very different place now, it was hard to forget that this time last year Shane and Rose had been all over the internet. And now they were again, the same gossip websites talking about their cute text exchange and discussing what it meant that Shane wanted to meet her family. 

He almost preferred the focus on Shane’s dick pic. 

Jane ❤️😘💦👅

Ilya: Shane

Jane: Absolutely the fuck not.

Ilya: You don’t even know what I was going to say! 

Jane: You cannot tweet about my dick, Ilya.

Ilya: What if I tweet a very funny joke that is nice to you because you are my friend? Or because I reached out in your time of need. We could soft launch our friendship before the charity announcement

Jane: Soft launch? Has Mom been emailing you?

Ilya: I know what a soft launch is

Ilya: I think it’s a good plan

Jane: Absolutely not. The story can’t be that we bonded over my dick pic. 

Ilya: We did bond over your dick, though. 

Ilya scrolled endlessly on the way to the airport, on the flight, and through the tape review meeting before he retreated to his hotel room. 

Someone had a very good thread on how all the jokes were ‘micro-aggressions’ and played into the stereotypes of desexualised Asian men. Shane was the most sexual person Ilya had ever met, which he wished he could tell them. His thumb had been hovering on the ‘like’ button before he realised he couldn’t do that. At least not on his main account. He did have a few burners. @PikesFailedVasectomy had the most followers, but it seemed safer to create a new one if he was going to engage with this. 

He lasted a half an hour before he gave in and created the account. 

 @24inches: Everyone saying Shane Hollander has a small dick is an idiot. That picture doesn’t show anything that can tell that. It is a bad angle

@Holly247: Are we still doing this? It’s been two days. We need to move on. 

User @24inches has liked this tweet

@Mymetros: If I see one more tweet about Hollander’s dick I’m going to scream, jesus. 

User @24inches has liked this tweet

@24inches RT: READ THIS: @Hockey4all: Thread: The discourse has been rancid, everyone. Someone had personal photos leaked: if it was a female celebrity, so many of you would be appalled. This is a horrific violation for Shane. (1/3)

> @Hockey4all: And sure, many of these people would be very weird about a woman’s nudes leaking. But the jokes are coming from the same culture of sexism and toxic masculinity. Especially the preoccupation with size. (2/3)

>> @Hockey4all: The highest-ranking Asian player in the league being the butt of emasculating jokes for literal days isn’t a surprise. But you all need to get over it. (3/3)

 @shaneysssssss: I don’t want to do this, it’s all fucking insanely invasive and horrible. But. You cannot tell size from that angle. Be for real. 

> @24inches: @shaneysssssss you can. But no one is looking. Especially not at his hands. 

Okay. He had meant to use the account purely to amplify the positive reactions. And he had, at first. But he realised that a lot of the defence and pushback was based on saying: so what if he has a small dick? He’s Shane Fucking Hollander. 

That was a very good point. Except. He was Shane Fucking Hollander and he had a huge dick. 

@24inches: you are all so fucking stupid. You have to think about the scale. 

[Image one: Close up of Shane holding a water bottle

Image two: Close up of Shane’s hand on a child fan’s shoulder. 

Image three: Close up of Shane's hand on the Stanley Cup

Image four: Close up on Shane’s hand high-fiving someone - his hand is noticeably bigger

Image five: Close up of Shane's hand holding a can of energy drink in an ad

Image six: Close up of Shane's hand holding a can of Canada Dry Ginger Ale 

Image Seven: Close up of Shane’s hand in a Rolex ad]

@Holly247: GUYS THIS IS SUCH IMPORTANT WORK! RT: @24inches you are all so fucking stupid.. (read more)

@Metros5eva: Waitwaitwait. HOW had I not noticed this? Jesus Christ he has massive hands RT: @24inches you are all so fucking stupid.. (read more)

> @24inches: @metros5eva yes!! and also a massive dick. 

@ShaneHollanderUpdates: We aren’t going to repost anything from the leak, but we will boost this tweet, which has some very important images... RT: @24inches you are all so fucking stupid.. (read more)

@Hollandrytrenches:THANK YOU @24inches I DID NOT WRITE 100K WORDS ABOUT SHANE HOLLANDER’S MASSIVE CALLOUSED HANDS EXPLORING ROSE’S BODY FOR PEOPLE TO SLEEP ON THIS 

> @Lalander: @hollandrytrenches SERIOUSLY WE KNEW THIS, thank you for the detective work @24inches. Here's some more proof:

[Image one: Shane and Rose sitting with a group of people. Rose has both hands wrapped around one of Shane's. 

Image two: Shane and Rose walking down the street taken from behind. Shane has his hand on the small of Rose's back. 

Image three: Shane's hands on Rose's waist as they talk to each other. They almost meet in the middle of her back.]

>> @24inches: @lalander no, stop spreading these, it is not helping. 

@Puckspuckspucks: where is the guy who does the height measurements? We need that math #hollanderleak

@Mtlm3tro: @puckspuckspucks I’ll take this bait. A Canada Dry can is approx. 4.83inches. We can see in the attached pictures, his hand is almost entirely the size of the can. So approx 4.25 inches. 

> @Mtlm3tro: Assuming that his hand is on the base in the picture, we then need to measure the… um…  exposed parts…. 

>> @Mtlm3tro: you will see from this diagram, it appears that there is at least half as much… length not covered as is covered. That means at least an extra 2.125, which is altogether 6.4 inches. 

>>> @Mtlm3tro: According to this 2015 study by the British Journal of Urology the average erect size is 5.17 inches. We can at least confidently say Hollander is above this. 

@24inches: This is the science, thank you!! (Though I don’t think his hand is at the base - it at least proves everyone can shut up) RT @mtlm3tro: I’ll take this bait... (read more)

> @puckspuckspucks: @24inches You think it’s bigger than six and a half inches? the greed of men (or w/e gender applies) 

>> @24inches: @puckspuckspucks maybe I am greedy, but also I am right about this. and i am a man

@Holly247: Thank you @mtlm3tro: now do girth

@24inches: Also, we can look at these pictures: 

[Image one: Shane in an underwear ad

Image two: Shane in a Speedos ad

Image three: Shane in tight compression leggings in a pre-game interview.]

> @puckspuckspucks: @24inches i will always look at these pictures. but tbf the first two could be padded/photoshopped

>> @24inches: @puckspuckspucks And the third? Hm? 

[Image: zoomed in crop of the third picture]

@ridingrozanov: lol Hollander fans going so far out of their way to prove he doesn’t have a tiny dick is so fucking funny. As if their ‘science’ proves anything 

> @24inches: @ridingrozanov It does prove things. And you should change your username you will never be riding anything

>> @ridingrozanov: @24inches ??? Wtf is wrong with you?

>>> @24inches: @ridingrozanov delete your account

@Takeahike: I want to add to this discussion:

[Image: gif of Shane holding a water bottle, then passing it to Hayden]

> @24inches: @takeahike yes, okay, good. And you can see Pike has tiny hands, like mouse. 

@Shayden2435: all the discourse has me picturing Shane’s giant hands wrapped around Hayden’s [REDACTED]

> @24inches: @shayden2435 no. Delete this. 

>> @Shayden2435: @24inches dude you are so weird 

>>> @24inches: @shayden2435 you think about Hollander and PIKE and you say I am weird? 

ESPN: ‘They’re targeting Hunter,’ says Montreal’s Shane Hollander in leaked text messages. 

@Shayden2435: Can we talk about Shane calling out what’s happening to Scott Hunter? Now why does he feel so strongly? 👀

> @Holly247: @shayden2435 you mean the texts to his GIRLFRIEND LILY? And maybe he’s not a fucking homophobe?

>> @Shayden2435: @holly247 yeah, Shane isn’t the one looking homophobic right now

>>> @Holly247: @shayden2435 I am a literal lesbian, sweaty. It’s not homophobic to say it’s delusional to constantly push the narrative about these total strangers who are clearly in relationships with other people. One of them is married with a million kids. 

@Scottshunter: We’ve been saying it all season, but Hockey Jesus Shane Hollander has called it now too.

> @Admiringadmirals: @scottshunter in private texts, what good is that? Expected more of him tbh 

>> @Scottshunter: @admiringadmirals the texts were the day before he was hacked? Give him some time? 

>>> @Puckspuckspucks: @Admiringadmirals @scottshunter you really think that Shane Hollander is going to publicly express an opinion at any point? The partisan bagel reveal was a shocker

>>>> @Scottshunter: @admiringadmirals @puckspuckspucks I really don’t want to get into it over this, I just appreciated the proof that players in the league are noticing this, and calling it like it is. Where that goes idk but ffs get off Shane Hollander’s dick about it. 

User @24inches has liked this tweet

>>>>> @24inches: @Scottshunter yes, all true.  

>>>>>> @puckspuckspucks: @24inches buddy are you just searching twitter for the words ‘shane hollander’s dick’ 

Of course, people were still arguing. They claimed his hand size meant nothing, because you couldn’t see much outside of his hand. That was all due to perspective, and it was a twenty-message exchange with an asshole called @puckinghell that made him record the video. 

He’d done it first naked, narrating the different angles, except when he looked back over it he realised he couldn’t use it, because 1) his accent was too distinctive; and 2) it would probably be taken down from twitter. Shane’s actual dick pick was removed regularly. Ilya had been flagging every instance because even if he had a point to make, no one got to look at Shane’s dick but him. 

He reshot the video with a coke bottle, in silence this time. Then he had to work out how to get that stupid robot voice to narrate the video, which was very annoying. 

@24inches: you people are idiots. 

[VIDEO: a man standing in what seems to be a hotel room. The camera’s focus is on his waist, looking down from above. He holds a coke bottle in his hand, pointed up towards himself. 

Voiceover: It’s the angles, idiot. 

The man moves the bottle down, so it is facing straight out. 

Voiceover: This is what a coke bottle looks like when held out like this. See? You can tell. 

The man moves the bottle up again, so it is pointing to the camera. 

CUT to same man and bottle, shot from the side with the bottle pointing forward at a 90 degree angle from his crotch.

Voiceover: Actual size.]

@Holly247: I love @24inches more than anyone, but are they okay?

> @24inches @holly247 am fine. and i am also right. 

>> @Holly247: @24inches okay, maybe take a break, though? Step away for a moment?

>>> @24inches: @holly247 I am fine!

Jane ❤️😘💦👅

Jane: Ilya, that better not be you in that video.

Ilya: What video?

Jane: ILYA

Ilya: Shane? What video?

Jane: The video of someone in a hotel room demonstrating how I picked the worst angle for a dick pic. 

Ilya: First, it a great picture. Second, I haven't seen this video 

Jane: Ilya. I recognise my boyfriend when I see him.

Ilya: I don’t know what you are talking about

Ilya: And I thought you were avoiding the internet? 

Jane: Mitty just posted the account in the group chat.

Ilya: Which account? 

Jane: Ilya. 

Ilya: Shane? 

He wasn't surprised surprised when his phone rang immediately. 

“Log out,” Shane said, his tone firm and bossy and very sexy. 

“Of what?” 

“Ilya, I swear to fucking god. Delete the account, please.” 

Ilya put the phone on speaker, and scrolled through the account to see how much wiggle room he had to argue that it wasn't him. Damn. The video was damning. He shouldn't have gone that far. 

“Ilya,” Shane repeated, and there was something pleading in the tone. 

“It’s not right,” Ilya said. 

“Of course it isn’t! None of it is, obviously. It was fucking horrible and I hate all of it, especially that everyone has seen my dick,” Shane said. “And I don’t care if they think it’s small, whatever.” 

“You do,” Ilya said. “I know you. They are making jokes, they are mocking you, and -” 

“So what?” Shane interrupts. 

“I know you care,” Ilya said. “You care what people think, I know you do. It’s why you deleted everything.” 

Shane didn't respond for a couple of seconds, and Ilya bit his lip. He shouldn't have said that.

“I deleted everything for lots of reasons,” Shane said, softer. “Your visa, for one. Hockey, for another.” 

“And because you don’t want people to look at you differently,” Ilya said. 

Shane was silent for a long moment this time. “That - that’s true. I do hate that people are making jokes about my dick on the internet, absolutely. I just - that doesn’t matter to me.” 

“Well, I hate it,” Ilya replied. 

“I know. I love that you care, truly. But you’re messaging random people about my dick size,” Shane said, fondly. 

Ilya looked down, sighing. “Was maybe too much.”

“Maybe? Ilya, you have been posting about my dick for three days.” His tone was lighter, which was a relief.

Ilya sniffed. “I always want to talk about your dick.” 

“On twitter?” 

“I always want to talk about you everywhere.” He closed his eyes, the weight of that hitting him. 

“Ilya,” Shane said gently. 

He hesitated, and then just blurted it out. “You really delete everything.” 

“What?” 

“I delete things too,” he said, quickly. “But I think if it happened with my phone, there may be something in there that could give it away. I don’t want that to happen.” 

“I know, Ilya,” Shane said. “I hate it, so much. All of it. It kills me to delete anything you send me.” 

“Because I take much better dick pics,” Ilya said with another sniff. 

"Shut up,” Shane said, but Ilya could hear the smile in his voice. 

“Mm. Maybe I should just text you in English,” Ilya said. 

“I love when you send me things in Russian,” Shane said. “Ya tebya lyublyu.” 

Ilya smiled, his eyes stinging slightly. “I love you too. I am sorry. I will delete.” 

“Thank you.” Another pause, and then Shane gave a frustrated sound. “Okay, fuck it. Vermont, tomorrow night.” 

“You have a game,” Ilya said, even as he felt his hopes rising. 

“I’ll leave after it. I’ll book an Airbnb,” he said. “Practice the next day isn’t until the afternoon, so I’ll have time to get back. Do you have morning practice?” 

“Optional,” Ilya said. “Just the game in the evening. Fuck, I love you so fucking much.” 

“I love you too. Okay. I’m going to book somewhere, and then we can Facetime?”

“Yes. I need to see your dick,” Ilya said, grinning wider. 

Shane laughed. “If the account is down by the time I call back, maybe we can make that happen.”

“It will be,” Ilya promised.