Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationships:

Luca Haas & Ilya Rozanov, Luca Haas/Original Character(s), Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Luca Haas & Original Female Character(s)

Characters:

Luca Haas, Ilya Rozanov, Ottawa Centaurs Team Ensemble (Game Changers), Original Male Character(s), Shane Hollander, Hayden Pike, Original Female Character(s)

Additional Tags:

Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Luca Haas-centric, Luca Haas Hollanov Truther and RPF Warrior, Social Media, Twitter, RPF, In-Universe RPF, Humor, Fix-It of Sorts, fanboy luca haas

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-04-11 Completed: 2026-04-24 Words: 14,007 Chapters: 4/4

#TheOttawaConspiracy

Summary

The trials and tribulations of Luca Haas, Hollanov Truther and RPF Warrior.

He just knows that Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa to be closer to Shane Hollander, and that when Roz disappears, it's to drive to Montreal and fuck nasty with Hollander. Unfortunately, he can't exactly share his conspiracy theory in the Centaurs team chat when they start speculating about where Rozanov disappears to during his free time.

Initially based on this tumblr post

Notes

No handles used refer to any real life users of Tumblr or Twitter. I'm sure there's going to be handles mentioned that also are in use in our universe's twt and tumblr, because i tried to make the usernames typical handles you'd see in fandom, but I've never visited those blogs/twts and there is no resemblance to any blogger living or dead etc.

This started off as riffing on the tumblr post, but somehow it developed a smidgen of plot. I have read every Game Changers book except TLG, so this is based on Role Model + fandom osmosis. I did a lot of googling and scouring of wikis to try to be reasonably accurate, but some details may vary.

There is a full list of social media handles and nicknames in the end notes, but most of it should be self explanatory.

Chapter 1

hollanovclown.tumblr.com

Holy Puck!

🏳️‍🌈Lulu. 20. He/him. 🏳️‍🌈
Gay; hockey enjoyer. Gay Hockey enjoyer. Hollanov truther. Friends call me Lemon. Enemies call me Lucas.
Hollanov art tag. AO3. Personal art sideblog. twt. ig.

was @rozyfucker and @shaneslulus (yes from THE Shane's Lulus post. You're welcome.)

📌hollanovclown posted:

[photoset of 10 shirtless pictures of Ilya Rozanov, in the highest possible definition that Tumblr's file size limits allow. Every single photo is focused on his defined abs and bountiful pecs]

My favourite images of Ilya Rozanov's world famous abs. My dream is to get to lick each and every ab individually.

#ilya rozanov #ilya rozanov edit #ott cens #bos raiders #I'm posting this but I made this for my own personal use #and by use I mean... well. #message me if you want the HD uncompressed versions for your own personal use

1.2k notes

hollanovclown posted:

[A detailed digital painting of Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander each carrying a cardboard box as they are poised to step through the threshold of a house.]

Hear me out: what if Shane helped him move. What if Shane helped him PICK OUT CURTAINS. Where are the CURTAINFIC. I’ve read all of it and I need more.

#hollanov #theottawaconspiracy #ilya rozanov #shane hollander #hrpf #hockey rpf #myart

1.6k notes

hollanovclown posted:

fellas...it's yearning hours again:(

#personal #I just want to be k*ssed and h*ugged #I just want what they have...

7 notes

hollanovclown 🔁 h011an0v:

[A detailed digital painting of Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander in Boston and Metros gear respectively. They are gripping the other's jerseys, with their fists half raised as if they forgot they were going to punch each other. Their faces are rapturously tender as they are locked in a passionate kiss.]

hollanovclown:

They WUV EACH OTHER. On and off the ice.

Happy birthday Peaches <3 light of my life world's worst enabler and Canada's number one leading expert in Ilya Rozanov's left asscheek.

h011an0v:

EVERYONE LOOK AT MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT. LULU I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH RIGHT NOW. WITH TONGUE. MORE TONGUE THAT IS IN THE ART EVEN.

hollanovclown:

kisses you kisses you kisses you best birthday boy i would be throwing you the best bday party every if only you didn't live so far away :( boo.

#hollanov #ilya rozanov #shane hollander #hrps #hockey rps #myart

2.3k notes

hollanovclown posted:

All Your Cities by hollanovclown and ilyasleftcheek | hollanov | explicit | 36k | post cens signing

It takes a lot of logistics and planning to make a long distance relationship work. Shane and Ilya figure it out.

Guys, Peaches and I finally finished the fic that is our manifesto for #theottawaconspiracy! Featuring lots of long distance pining (haha. don't know what that's like. haha.) and driving to tiny roadside motels halfway between OTT and MTL for frenzied but tender reunion sex. Thank you to Tommy (@2017allstarscheekkiss) for the beta, and for being the load bearing third wheel of this unhinged tricycle <3

Please let us know what you think! This concept is near and dear to my heart because... well. I am in OTT and Peaches is in MTL so... yeah. :( This is kind of our way of fantasizing about meeting up and hanging out in person.

#hollanov #theottawaconspiracy #ilya rozanov #shane hollander #hrpf #hockey rpf #myfic #hollanovclown #ilysleftcheek #h011an0v

72 notes

hollanovclown posted:

#theottawaconspiracy

I've gotten a few asks about #theottawaconspiracy, so I'm going to try to summarise what is basically a headcanon that's expanded out into a bunch of ficlets and art and comics between peaches (@h011an0v), tommy (@2017allstarscheekkiss) and I, plus the contributions from people who have taken it and run with it.

Lots of Roz fans have been left baffled with how he ended up in Ottawa. Speculation abounds about BOS management and what went on with Roz at contract re-negotiation. However, that's actually all a red herring, because it all makes sense if you have slash goggles on. He's literally Ilya Rozanov; he wouldn't end up in a place like Ottawa unless he wanted to be here. Almost any team in the league would have moved heaven and earth to sign him if he were willing. 

And why would he want to go to Ottawa, of all places? Well. because it is in Canada, and it is closer to Hollzy. He would only be a two hour drive away from Hollzy and Montreal when not on the road, instead of only being able to see him when they play each other or during the summer. They both got tired of doing the long distance thing, so when Roz's contract ended first, this was their chance.

And now that they're within driving distance, they spend all their time driving to dingy motels halfway between Ottawa and Montreal and having tortured, impassioned and emotional reunion sex there. And what started as secret assignations full of yearning in hotel rooms and Roz's Montreal apartment (links for the Ilya Has A Montreal Sexpad Theory Here) has become secret assignations full of yearning in motel rooms. So this is what the Ottawa conspiracy is: that they wuv each other so much they take two hours out of every day they're not on a roadie driving to buttfuck nowhere with a plug up their ass and a semi in their pants to buttfuck in the middle of nowhere. Then they crawl out of bed at the ass crack of dawn the next day and drive back and keep doing hockey like nothing has happened and there is not an industrial neodymium magnet pulling them away from the familiar contours of a hockey career and toward each other now that they are almost within touching distance. They no longer have the distance that separated each meeting to return them to equilibrium, and now they are always constantly aware of the pull, the siren call, the yawning, yearning ache. And it should be enough, to see and touch and hold each other every week, when they used to have only an evening every few weeks or even every few months, depending on the schedule and whether they could get away to meet, but it's not enough. Having more of each other just reminds them of how deep and voracious their hunger is, and how wrenchingly incomplete they feel when they are apart.

Yeah. Anyway. Ahem. #theottawaconspiracy is when you believe that Roz signed with Ottawa to be closer to Hollzy and they now speed up global warming with the car emissions from their daily commute to fuck nasty and kiss tenderly and hold each other with loving arms.

#theottawaconspiracy #hollanov #I am SOOOOO normal about them. Can you tell.

162 notes

Group chat: ITS A MYSTERY👻

Poll: where does Roz keep disappearing to

1. Fights crime as a secret superhero. | 2 votes
2. His craft room where he crochets granny squares | 8 votes
3. Practicing Mario Kart really intensely |11 votes
4. Secret girlfriend | 2 votes
5. Secret mistress | 9 votes
6. Secret wife | 0 votes
7. Secret husband | 0 votes
8. Secret affair with a Boston player he was tragically parted from, like star-crossed lovers | 3 votes
9. Secret affair with a F1 racer | 8 votes
10. Secret affair with Rose Landry | 10 votes
11. Training to become an assassin so he can snipe Hollander without being caught. | 12 votes
12. Secret affair with Shane Hollander | 3 votes
13. Secret career as an underground illegal racecar driver | 12 votes
14. secret career as a Russian spy | 3 votes
15. secret career as a Canadian spy | 7 votes
16. secret career as an American spy | 13 votes
17. secret affair with Hannah to try steal Chiron | 13 votes
18. hes a private person | 2 votes

         +Add Option

Dill🥒: who added the last one

Points🫵: Haasy I think

Haazy: maybe we could give him some time to come around

Haasy: yeah I mean, surely he's gonna come around. He's just settling in.

Sherlock🕵️: Haasy you literally voted for half the options

Haasy: you never know.

Haasy: He could be a crafter.

DJ Dyks🍆: He could be Tokyo drifting it up in a garage somewhere

Boo 👻: who changed our nicknames again

Boo 👻: He's probably just not that interested in hanging out

Haasy: People who are in a secret relationship aren't usually this obvious. Or suspicious.

Boo 👻: I just hope he's settling in okay and it's not because things are going badly in his personal life

Boo 👻: what ever that means.

Dill🥒: I guess they're probably making him go see a therapist

Dill 🥒: Even after all this time I still don't believe Ilya Rozanov would sign with Cens over staying in Boston without some kind of a total psychic collapse.

Baby👶: I think he probably killed a man in Boston

DJ Dyks🍆: he's trying to clean up the trail of evidence

Haasy: exactly. I don't think he would drive to Montreal or Toronto just to visit his rival or his rival's ex girlfriend.

The Ottawa Conspiracy

hollanovclown: Ilya Rozanov driving two hours to Montreal to fuck Shane Hollander is something that is so dear to me personally actually.

Ilyasleftcheek: I just hope babygirl is staying safe in the road this time of year😔💖

2017allstarscheekkiss: Shane should be driving to Ottawa actually

2017allstarscheekkiss: so I can meet him in a dark alleyway and tell him ominously to release the cottage pics

2017allstarscheekkiss: SHANE I KNOW THEY EXIST. WHY ELSE WOULD ILYA HAVE BEEN IN LANAUDIERE

hollanovclown: my coworkers think he's moved to Ottawa because he's had some kind of mental breakdown or crisis

hollanovclown: but I know it's so he can play for Shane's childhood faves.

hollanovclown: and be near Shane's parents.

ilyasleftcheek: Lulu let's go stake out the treasury of Canada

Ilyasleftcheek: David Hollander would tell us the truth. I know this in my heart

hollanovclown: idk he was a hockey player

hollanovclown: We're genetically engineered to give bland nonanswers

2017allstarscheekkiss: do they do that to you in Europe too

hollanovclown: not really but I did get indoctrinated once I moved to Ottawa

Ilyasleftcheek: Lulu I still can't believe you moved to Ottawa just to stalk Roz

hollanovclown: I MOVED FOR A JOB PEACHES STOP SAYING THAT PEACHES. You know Shane is the only one for Ilya!!!!!!!

Ilyasleftcheek: suuuuuure. You moved to Canada to become a Timbits coach and for no other reason.

hollanovclown: that's STILL not my job

Ilyasleftcheek: I'm convinced you’ve infiltrated the Cens support staff and that's why you're so weirdly secretive about the job you do even though you won't stop talking about it

Ilyasleftcheek: you're just afraid we're gonna make fun of you for being a stalker but I know. I know you're the mustachioed man who mops the Cens dressing room after every game and you collect Rozys hair and make clones out of them

2017allstarscheekkiss: guys have you seen the tweet from Pike

2017allstarscheekkiss: [Link]

hollanovclown: yeah, Shane looks sooooo good.

2017allstarscheekkiss: look at what's on the table next to Shane's hand.

ilyasleftcheek: HOLY FUCK

hollanovclown: TOMMY you are a GENIUS

2017allstarscheekkiss: someone tell Pike to stop being so careless or he's gonna out Hollanov one day

hollanovclown: THAT IS ILYAS PHONE THAT IS ILYAS PHONE THAT IS ILYAS PHONE?????????????????????????????? Why does Shane have Ilya's phone on him while he's hanging out with the Pikes

hollanovclown: I have seen the TRUTH I KNOW THIS IS THE TRUTH.

2017allstarscheekkiss: *hands you a clown nose like a king bestowing a knight with a noble blade*

hollanovclown: HONK HONK BITCH🤡🤡🤡

Ilyasleftcheek: I think I blacked out for like two minutes there. What the fuck. What the FUCK???

Ilyasleftcheek: I bought one of those phone cases because of Ilya I would recognise it in my SLEEP

Ilyasleftcheek: what other man would buy a phone case the same colour as Shane's most famous pair of tiny running shorts

hollanovclown: I would

Ilyasleftcheek: okay tumblr user Lulu “shaneslulus” Lemon.

hollanovclow: I would defend myself by saying that I only had that url for two weeks like five years ago. But I’m still proud of it actually so I’m not even going to defend myself.

Hayden Pike @HaydenPike✓ tweeted: 😎😎😎

[Photo of Jackie Pike, Hayden Pike, and Shane Hollander sitting in a row behind what appears to be a breakfast bar, each wearing a pair of sunglasses. There are the remnants of brunch scattered in front of them. By Shane's left hand, almost out of shot, is an iPhone with a plain teal blue phone case.]

⤷Divorce Him Jackie @pike5ever: wooooow!!! You guys are the best💖 Jackie divorce him and run away with me.

⤷Lulu Lemon🍋 @hollanovclown: Great pic! 😎 Who's the photographer? They did a great job!

⤷Mark Mywords Esq @hollanovtruther: is that ILYA'S PHONE

⤷Lulu Lemon🍋 @hollanovclown: @hollanovtruther Mark other people are allowed to have blue phone cases. Hope you get help soon.

⤷Mark Mywords Esq @hollanovtruther: @hollanovclown I never thought id be saying this to a fellow shipper but MARK. MY. WORDS.

⤷Mrs Ilya Hollander🍑 @ilyasleftcheek: @hollanovtruther have you never heard of basic fandom etiquette.

⤷Mark Mywords Esq @hollanovtruther: @ilyasleftcheek I don't need this from someone with a flower crown pfp

⤷Tommy🍅 @2017cheekkiss: @hollanovtruther fellas is every man with a blue iPhone case Ilya Rozanov. Maybe you're right and I saw like twelve Rozys on my commute this morning

The Ottawa Conspiracy:

Ilyasleftcheek: someone assassinate fucking Mark

2017allstarscheekkiss: what did he do?

Ilyasleftcheek: Ilya changed his phone case and I just know it's because fucking Mark said it IN PUBLIC ON TWITTER. When will some people learn to not try to get celebs to acknowledge shipping???

2017allstarscheekkiss: I hope Pike learns to check his fucking posts but I doubt it.

Ilyasleftcheek: he's definitely one concussion away from permanent retirement.

hollanovclown: doesn't seem like he's doing it on purpose at least

Ilyasleftcheek: yeah but like half our new proof in the last three months have come from his careless posting

Ilyasleftcheek: and it's all fun and games when nobody believes us and we're just internet crazies

Ilyasleftcheek: and people in our corner of fandom don't post publicly and try to get players to acknowledge it like Fucking Mark

Ilyasleftcheek: but I'm starting to worry about them getting actually outed. Like. Am I insane.

2017allstarscheekkiss: Peaches...

hollanovclown: ... Peaches... I believe in Hollanov with all my heart and I have for the last seven years of my life but.

Ilyasleftcheek:yeah...😕😔🫡 I guess I'm just built different from you losers because I'm Hollanov's strongest soldier.

Hollanovclown: well I'm the one who lives in Ottawa and I'm the one who is going to get [redacted] by Shane and Ilya one day.

Ilyasleftcheek: unredact that

Ilyasleftcheek: say it with your whole chest.

Hollanovclown: no💖 I would die and burst into flames.

Ilya Rozanov

Roz: thanks for the phonecase 🐶

Roz: you are my favorite now.

Roz: feel free to tell whole team this.

Roz: [mirror selfie with phone encased in a clear phone case decorated with a portrait of Chiron drawn in acrylic marker]

Haasy: it was no problem at all 🐶

Haasy: it's hard not to want to paint that adorable face.

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

If you are reading this on your phone, you may want to read the tweets at the end on landscape mode due to the formatting.

Group Chat:🥸🥸🥸 CONSPIRACY!

Baby👶: it's gotta be true love right

Baby👶: maybe his girl is from Montreal and they can never be together in public. They still hate him there.

Haasy: idk that seems like a lot of driving he'd have to do to get to Montreal

Dill🥒: I'd drive that far for my girl

Dill🥒: and Ottawa is closer to Montreal than Boston.

Boo👻: Baby... Dilly... It's a two hour drive...

Haasy: yeah that's so far to drive.

Dill🥒:idk he seems like a pretty sociable dude. I don't think he'd been ghosting us quite this hard if he wasn't actually away a lot. Like he makes an effort to show up when he IS here, and it's obvious the team and our cohesion is important to him. So I think he's at least out of town for that time.

Haasy: I dunno... Dating a hockey player who is always on the road is bad enough, but to be long distance too? That would be soul crushing for a WAG. He's probably just busy with personal stuff. Maybe he's busy with a big brand deal and under NDA before launch or something.

hollanovclown 🔁hollanovclown

2017allstarscheekkiss:

I looked it up on Google maps. Its a two and a half hour drive without traffic. My parents used to drive me that long just to go to hockey camp when I was a kid surely Ilya would make the drive for his man

h011an0v:

it's a lot faster than flying between Montreal and Boston... And a lot more discreet... Not gonna run into any fans at the airport..

hollanovclown:

I think they would be driving an hour fifteen each and meeting in the middle somewhere. there's plenty of people who commute an hour and a half everyday. They would make the effort. I would drive an hour for a hot booty call, let alone the love of my life.

You see my vision.

#hollanov #hollanovtruther #hockey #hrpf #theottawaconspiracy #rereblogging for the anon who asked me how the ottawa conspiracy got started

12 notes

Group Chat:🥸🥸🥸 CONSPIRACY!

Points🫵: He's obviously going hiking.

Points🫵: No other reason why he sometimes drives an SUV when he's going home after a game.

Points🫵: why wouldn't he be driving one of his sick race cars on city roads? Unless he's got his tent in the boot and he's going to drive straight out of town and go soul-searching in the wilderness.

Haazy: Points. This is Ottawa. During hockey season... He would die of exposure...

Haazy: He sometimes drives an SUV home because he doesn't want his Bugatti or whatever to be skidding on black ice.

Haasy: I think I could see it. He's from Russia isn't he? Surely he's gotta be good with the cold.

Haazy: He's from Moscow. None of us have ever met anyone more of a city slicker than Roz and you know it.

Points🫵: He could be embracing what Ottawa has to offer now that he's here! Finding himself!

Haasy: okay yeah this is kind of far fetched.

Sherlock🕵️: I think he's just trying to perfect his barbecue skillz before he throws a huge team party.

Sherlock🕵️: experimenting with a smoker or whatever to one up Bood.

Dill🥒: Holmsy I don't think he's as into grilling as Bood...

Dill🥒: btw Bood when's the next BBQ party because my body is ready.

Sherlock🕵️: Ew no one says that any more.

Dill🥒: le sigh

Sherlock🕵️: YOU ARE A GEN Z. STOP TALKING THAT.

Dill🥒:I'm a BABY MILLENNIAL. Let me live.

Haazy: even I know that's outdated.

Haasy: oof.

Direct Message to @HaydenPike✓

@hollanovclown: Ilya's phone in the sunglasses photo. Ilya's Reeboks in the selfie in Shane's garden. The photo from Arthur's birthday has the back of Ilya's head reflected in the glass clear as day.

@hollanovclown: Hayden idk if the inclusion of glimpses of Ilya are on purpose. If yes then cool but if not then please be more careful about showing Ilya? It just didn't seem intentional so I thought maybe I might let you know it's being noticed.

✓ Read.

Ilya Rozanov

Haasy: Cap, is this your phone in this picture?

Haasy: were you hanging out with Hayden Pike?

Haasy: will accept that you're buddies with Hollander but Pike? I thought you hated him???

Cap: how the fuck did you see that

Haasy: I thought you were trying to add to the narrative of your thing with Hollander... This wasn’t on purpose?

Cap: my thing with Hollander?

Haasy: yeah I mean. It's clear you guys are up to something. Beyond the friendship angle. I thought you were trying to drum up publicity for some Irina Foundation initiative.

Cap: how the fuck is that clear.

Haasy: I follow a lot of hockey players

Haasy: you guys are not very careful about being posted if you aren't trying to softlaunch some sort of inseparable besties narrative for the views...

Haasy: especially Pike he keeps posting you in his stuff.

Haasy: [image] [image] [image]

[Cap is typing]

[Cap is typing]

Cap: Luca Haas...

Cap: are you my STALKER???

Cap: ARE YOU MY CLOWN???

[Haasy is typing]

[Haasy is typing]

[Haasy is typing]

Haasy: Why are you calling me a clown?

Haasy: I'm gen Z, cap.

Haasy: we notice things on the internet.

Cap: i have questions.

Cap: fucking shit

Cap: but be honest

Cap: are you the stalker that was messaging Pike???

✓ Read

Rozanov81✓

[Full body mirror selfie of Ilya Rozanov wearing workout clothes: a Centaurs branded T-shirt, black gymshark shorts, and a pair of Nike running shoes. His iPhone is encased in a clear case painted with an image of Chiron, the team dog, which is mostly obscured by the hand holding the phone.]

Caption: On the grind 💪💪💪

The Ottawa Conspiracy

Ilyasleftcheek: okay so that was definitely on purpose right.

Group Chat: Damage Control

Hayden: I haven't heard anything else from the accounts

Ilya: I will never step foot in the same post code as you again.

Hayden: I said I was sorry

Yuna: update us if there's any change

Shane: why the fuck are there even people interested in... that.

Hayden: as much as I don't want to admit it in front of Rozanov, you guys do have pretty great chemistry...

Ilya: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Jane

Lily: [voice call 55:36]

Jane: [video call 3:27:18]

The Ottawa Conspiracy

Ilyasleftcheek:did you see it...

2017allstarscheekkiss: I don't feel good about this one guys...

Ilyasleftcheek: I mean. It's proof. But I don't want it to be.

hollanovclown: I keep hearing rumours that Shane's gay and it's said in such an invasive and homophobic way that it makes me SO FUCKING MAD and PEOPLE IN FANDOM ARE LATCHING ONTO IT AS PROOF and I FUCKING HATE IT. AND NOW DALLAS FUCKING KENT IS TALKING ABOUT IT ON THE ICE.

ilyasleftcheek: He deserves a lot worse than what Ilya gave him

2017allstarscheekkiss: I honestly wish the video wasn't so fucking clear because like. I can't even pretend that the lip reader is wrong

hollanovclown: the lip reader isn't wrong Kent did say all that shit.

hollanovclown: "Did you take a break from fucking Hollander to shove your dick in Barret's…"

Hollanovclown: I know I'm weird about not saying what my job is but it puts me in touch with people near the Cens. And I used my connections to get pretty good confirmation those were the exact words.

Ilyasleftcheek: fuck.

2017allstarscheekkiss: I want to break both of Kent's kneecaps

hollanovclown: I want to break every bone in his body.

Jane

Lily: Fuck Dallas Fucking Kent

Jane: I saw the fight. Did he say something?

Lily: I don't think he's put it together

Lily:he was just talking

Jane: what did he say

Lily: asked if I was taking a break from fucking Hollander to fuck Barrett

Jane: well, unless you've got something you need to tell me.

Jane: fuck that guy. Fuck.

Lily: you don't have to joke about it. I know how you feel.

Jane: [voice call 32:27]

Cap

Cap: Haas.

Cap: have you ever thought about coming out.

Haasy:???

[Haasy is typing...]

[Haasy is typing...]

[Haasy is typing...]

Haasy:???Come out as what???

Cap: you have rainbow flag on Twitter profile.

Haasy: that's not me! I would remember putting that on my profile… Are you looking at a twitter impersonator…

Cap: your Tumblr profile says you're gay.

Haasy: YOU WENT ON MY TUMBLR?

Cap:...I thought that wasn't you?

Haasy: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.

Cap: how come you never get this shouty when speaking out loud. You should shout more. On the ice

Haasy: Cap... Roz... I respect you more than anyone else in the world but WHY

Cap: yes I have learned lots about how you feel about me.

Cap: hollanovclown

Haasy: I'm retiring from the NHL effective immediately I'm quitting this job I am going to move to Antarctica. Goodbye.

Cap: Haas. It's fine. Hollander and I know about... The fans. Doing that. Mostly we try not to look at it or think about it

Cap: Difficult to think about people guessing about our sexualities

Cap: so. Have you ever thought about coming out?

Haasy: I mean. Yeah. Of course. I bet every queer NHL player has after Scott Hunter came out.

Haasy: I hadn't been drafted then but it changed a lot of things for me. I wasn't even sure I'd want to even play for the NHL before he came out... I was doing a lot of hard thinking around then, about whether it would be worth it... And then he changed the world. My world at least.

Haasy: I might come out if I ever get serious with someone I'm dating, I guess.

Haasy: or if it seems like the right moment.

Cap: okay.

Cap: makes sense.

Haasy: are you. Holy shit. Are you. Thinking. Of coming out???

Haasy: wait. So you're... Queer? Bi?

Cap: yeah. How did you not know this. I also looked at your archive account

Cap: your fanfiction guessed right about where I was driving to

Cap: but we do not meet in the middle

Cap: I drive to his or he drives to mine.

Cap: #theottawaconspiracy true.

✓ Read

Cap:?

Cap: are you still alive. It's been five minutes, I thought you'd have questions.

Cap: Haas?

Haasy: I just blacked out a little

Haasy: can you please stop saying things like "Tumblr" and "AO3" AND "FANFICTION".

Haasy: DID YOU READ TO THE END OF THAT.

Haasy: I know I have zero leg to stand on as the person who wrote it but as your coworker. Please don't.

Cap: don't write things about your coworker then.

Haasy: we weren't co-workers when I started

Cap: we were co-workers when you wrote that

Cap: you have come pretty far from someone with my shirtless posters on your wall

Cap: I'm proud of you, small baby man. Tiny infant hockey player.

Haasy: thanks. I would say it means a lot. And it does. But. I can't think about anything other than the fact that you found my secret fandom accounts right now.

Haasy: this is the worst day of my life.

Cap: why? You are obsessed with me and Hollander yes? And now you know you are right. You now know we fuck on the regular. He is my boyfriend. I love him.

Haasy: wow. Um. Cool. I am going to pass out but thanks for trusting me with that

The Ottawa Conspiracy

hollanovclown: WHAT THE FUCK

hollanovclown: my coworker just FOUND MY FANDOM ACCOUNTS AND MENTIONED THEM TO ME. HE READ ALL YOUR CITIES.

hollanovclown: he did tell me he's queer and seems to be pretty cool with it and agrees that Hollanov is real but like. What the FUCK.

ilyasleftcheek: wtf did he stalk you???

hollanovclown: I think I accidentally mentioned something in a conversation that identified me... And he's pretty social media savvy. But still.

hollanovclown: also it's kinda weird because.

hollanovclown: nvm I can't actually talk about it bc it's his private info

hollanovclown: he seems to have known what rpf was before this I guess...

hollanovclown: worst day of my life but he's nice about it

2017allstarscheekkiss:tbh still kind of a dick move to track down your personal stuff outside of work. Like. Even if he's cool that's still so nosy???

hollanovclown: hmm it's. Yeah. Well.

Cap

Haasy: okay I'm normal now.

Haasy: thank you for telling me. I promise I won't be creepy about it

Haasy: I will delete the accounts immediately

Cap:don't

Cap: Haasy do not do this.

Cap: if you do I will get coach to make you run bag skates til you puke. Every single practice.

Cap: I will use my blackmail on the owners and make them trade you to the Tampa Bay Pirates

Cap: and you will have to be a pirate.

Cap: is that what you want, Haas? To be a pirate and do their bullshit pirate festival? 

Haasy: I've always thought that was fun actually

Haasy: I'll always be sad I couldn't be at the Tampa All Stars and experience the NHL Pirate Float

Haasy: but no fine whatever.

Haasy: I'm going to lock my accounts and block you though. Never look at my stuff again.

Cap: too late. I have already followed and subscribed.

Cap: also. You have followed me back.

Cap: and I will not tell you who I am

Haasy: We're MUTUALS???

Cap: I need to keep an eye out on what fans know.

Cap:as your message to Pike showed me.

Cap: Hollander gets too stressed looking at that stuff, and we can’t make someone else look at it.

Haasy: if I promise not to block you. Will you tell me who you are at least

Haasy: so I don't accidentally harass my captain. Please

Cap: your pinned Tumblr post is just your favourite shirtless pictures of me.

Cap: you have already harassed me.

Cap: but it's okay. I know I am inspiration to next generation.

Cap: I used to jerk off to Ovechkin when I was a teen. It's only natural.

Haasy: wait for real

Haasy: he's so old though

Haasy: I was three years old when he got drafted

Cap: Jesus fucking Christ

Cap: go to bed, you fucking toddler

Lulu Lemon 🍋

@hollanovclown

20. 🏳️‍🌈. Hollanov truther and artist.

Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown tweeted: if any of you are my coworker and don't tell me then @IlyaRozanov is never winning another Cup ever again.

⤷Playoff Run @hollanderkisser: @hollanovclown why would you say this 😢. Centaurs have done nothing wrong.

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @hollanderkisser I said Roz not Cens.

⤷Mrs Ilya Hollander 🍑@ilyasleftcheek: @hollanovclown if Ilya wanted to win more cups he shouldn't be in OTTAWA. Idc if you're pro Cens now it's true.

⤷Playoff Run @hollanderkisser: @ilyasleftcheek Ilya moved for love. But he is a good hockey player. Cens will start winning now.

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @ilyasleftcheek Peaches. We are literally not even the worst anymore. We're just regular bad now.

⤷Playoff Run @hollanderkisser: @hollanovclown this is how you talk about your team? Zero loyalty. Can't believe this

⤷Mrs Ilya Hollander 🍑@ilyasleftcheek: @hollanderkisser who tf are you and why are you being rude to my man.

⤷Playoff Run @hollanderkisser: @ilyasleftcheek so Roz is not your man? Interesting.

⤷Mrs Ilya Hollander 🍑@ilyasleftcheek: @hollanderkisser Roz is my Barbie doll and my blowup doll. Lulu is my man. Be normal on the internet.

⤷Playoff Run @hollanderkisser: @ilyasleftcheek @hollanovclown LULU? I will remember that. Lulu.

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @ilyasleftcheek sorry babe he's my annoying shithead coworker >:(

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @hollanderkisser I WILL doxx you if you call me Lulu IRL. Btw.

Mrs Ilya Hollander 🍑

@ilyasleftcheek

21 he/him 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇨🇦 Hockey is my passion. Graphic Design is my curse.

Mrs Ilya Hollander 🍑@ilyasleftcheek tweeted: OOMFs making doxxing threats???????????

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @ilyasleftcheek you'd understand if you worked with this guy.

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @ilyasleftcheek Also. OOMFs??? I thought I was your man.

⤷Playoff Run @hollanderkisser: @hollanovclown you're much quieter and more shy at work. I am learning a lot about you.

⤷Lulu Lemon 🍋@hollanovclown: @hollanderkisser unlearn it.

Chapter 3

Chapter Notes

Family Chat💖

Luca: I love you. You are all the best.

Mads

Luca: I love you Peaches. You're the best.

Mads: are you okay? What's going on?

Tommy

Luca: Love you, Tommy. You're the best.

Tommy: You okay Lulu? I'm here if you ever need to talk <3

hollanovclown posted

HOLLANOV REAL I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP

CENS BEST TEAM EVER.

LOVE YOU PEACHES

LOVE YOU TOMMY

#personal #famous last words

Cap

Cap: were those really your last words

Cap: [Tumblr link]

Haasy: I'm still traumatised. Why would you bring that up again :(

Cap: Who is Tommy?

Haasy: She's a very very close friend. Not romantic, but as close as Peaches.

Cap: are you really dating... My left cheek.

Haasy: don't call him that.

Cap: he chose the name

Haasy: MADS is just a close friend for now.

Cap: he said you're his man

Haasy: we have kind of a thing... But I can't.

Haasy: he's never even seen my face. He doesn't know who I am. I can't date someone without giving away... Who I am.

Cap: so tell him.

Cap: unless he's a fan?

Haasy: I don't think he cares that much about Luca Haas, Hockey Player

Haasy: he's still holding out hope you're gonna come to your senses and get traded from the Cens.

Cap: not happening

Cap: Cens are least terrible Canadian team.

Haasy: Montreal??? Toronto??? We were literally the worst team in the league?

Cap: so Boston's rival. And the team that is covering up for Dallas Fucking Kent.

Haasy: fair.

Haasy: we don't win cups or get to playoffs (yet!) but we're also not hiding that many skeletons. That I know of

Cap: that you know of

Haasy: should I be afraid...

Cap: lol no but never trust the front office of ANY team. Some free life advice for you.

Cap: anyway. About your Mads.

Cap: is Canadian? What kind of Canadian is named Mads?

Haasy: he picked the name...

Haasy: he had a teenage crush on Mads Mikkelsen

Cap: so you're not the only one who likes older men

Haasy: his username is literally your left cheek??? Do you think he is normal about you.

Cap: will it help you seduce him if I sent you some photos of my left cheek?

Cap: never mind. Forget I asked.

Cap: I don't think I'm going to go that far for you,

Cap: show him your own ass.

Haasy: your left FACE CHEEK. He thinks your face is very charming. For some reason. Can't see why.

Cap: oh, so you covered up my face when you jerked off to my rippling abs yes?

Haasy: I'm going to tell Hollander you're propositioning your rookie and trying to cheat on him and ruin my ship💔

Cap: nice try, not going to happen.

Cap: you are handsome young man and I wouldn't mind initiating you into world of gay professional hockey player

Cap: but you are also not Shane Hollander.

Cap: I would never cheat on Shane with you... He is the love of my life...

Cap: I just enjoy teasing you and making you flustered 😏

Haasy: I don't still have a teenage crush on you, Roz.

Haasy: so I'm just going to accept your statement as fan service and move on.

Haasy: I hope you saw my new Tumblr header.

Haasy: I have new faves now. You've ruined all my long cherished fantasies :(

Cap: Why? You will never have a threesome with Crosby and Malkin. They are both straight.

Haasy: shipping isn't about wanting a threesome. Also. Crosby and Malkin are also never going to FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR.

Haasy: because they are, you know, normal about their teammates.

Cap: drawing them kissing each other shows that you think they are "normal about their teammates"

Haasy: [you have got me there.jpg]

Mads

Lulu: hey Mads

Mads: hey Luca what's up?

Lulu: you know how the Cens had that big scare

Mads: yeah?

Lulu: that got me thinking about, like. Regrets. Things like that.

Mads: is this happening

Lulu: yeah

Lulu: I mean. How long have we known each other

Lulu: and we've talked about this

Lulu: and I know I was the one who said that it wasn't a good idea because of the long distance thing. And because I don't want to show my face but it's not something you can avoid in a relationship

Lulu: but I was thinking about this

Lulu:and I just have to. I can't.

Lulu: okay I know you probably suspect who I am and you've been really careful not to ask which I really really appreciate and I know you kind of really deliberately circle around that subject

Lulu: and I know you talked to Tommy that one time so she wouldn't bring it up in the gc

Lulu: um but.

Lulu: I do play for the Cens.

Mads: Thank you for telling me. It means a lot 💖, and I know it was really hard for you to say it outright, even if we both know that I knew.

Luca: well... I did t know you KNEW. Like I thought maybe you had a guess...

Mads: Luca Haas. Love of my life and my gay situationship bestie since we were fourteen years old💖. Did you think there is any doubt in my mind about how many 18 year old Swiss boys named Luca there are who went to Ottawa right after the 2018 NHL draft for the exact length of the Cens training camp, then spent 2019 working through his required Swiss conscription time just to return to Ottawa at the exact start of the 2020 pre-season for a hockey related job that puts him closely adjacent to the Cens. Close enough to ask Roz what Kent said before he punched him during that game.

Lulu: When you put it like that.

Lulu: Well that makes it a lot easier. I am madly in love with you and I have been for the past seven years. I pursued a career in the NHL because hockey is what brings us together and so I could be in North America to be closer to you. Nothing makes me as happy as talking to you every day and being silly with you. Almost dying in a fiery wreck has made me realise that any hangups about who I am and what I’m allowed to be as a hockey player shouldn’t be holding me back and denying us what we both have said we wanted. 

Lulu: I love you. Please be my boyfriend.

Mads: I'll tell you what you told me when I asked you out when we were fourteen.

Mads: I only date guys who live in the same country as me.

Mads: so good thing you got drafted by Ottawa, I guess.

Lulu: oh my god

Lulu: are we going to have to put the Google maps research we did for All Your Cities into use.

Lulu: because Roz said that he and Hollander don't meet at hotels in the middle; they meet at home either in Ottawa or Montreal. but I still think meeting in the middle is more time efficient.

Mads: WAIT WAIT WAIT. PAUSE.

Mads: Roz. As in

Mads: ROZANOV. ILYA ROZANOV OF.

Mads: Hollanov fame

Mads: said

Lulu: yeah.

Mads: HOLLANOV REAL???

Mads: LULU. HOLLANOV REAL???

Lulu: UEAH. ITD BEEN KILLING ME TO BOTTLE IT UP ONSIDE. JOLLABOV HREAL

Mads:HOALLANOV TEAL

Mads: if you asked me out and revealed your identity to me just so you could share this I don't even care.

Lulu: no, I am madly in love you and I want to reenact #theottawaconspiracy with you.

Mads: you can't just ask me out and then tell me Hollanov real in same conversation. LUCA.

Lulu: well. Sorry. But like. Yeah.

Mads: okay can we facetime at last now that I have confirmation you are the hottest boy in the NHL. 

Lulu: Hollander still has that title :( three time champion there too.

Mads: I helped you with the PSD for your celebratory edit on Tumblr, Lulu, remember?

Mads: BUT.

Mads:you are. Actually. Cutest and hottest boy in NHL

Mads:I'm taking down all my Roz and Holly posters as I type this and leaving only yours up

Lulu: wait you have posters of me up??? How come I've never see them??? Have you been hiding them???

Lulu: Also nooo don’t take them down. What if I visit your dorm??? You have great posters and I’ve always been jealous

Mads: Lulu. I told you I was in love with you when we were 14 what is not clicking. Of course I have your posters.

Lulu: I mean I said it back at the time!!! I just didn't realised that you'd be. You know. Collecting my posters.

Mads: Lulu... Is that weird

Mads: I never brought it up because obviously you didn't want to talk about it before

Mads: but if it's weird I'll take em down. I'm not a Fan. I know it’s kinda weird because obviously the other posters are because we RPF our blowup dolls who are also your teammates. I just love you and want to look at your face, no RPF-ification of you as a person I promise. I respect you as a fully realised human being <3 it's literally just

Mads: You have sent me so many faceless thirst traps yet not even a single exclusive image of your cute face.

Lulu:... Mads...

Lulu:[photo]

Lulu:[photo]

Lulu:[photo]

Lulu: for your viewing pleasure.

Mads: okay you know what

Mads: [voice call 0:01]

Mads: wait. No. Force of habit.

Mads: [video call 3:25:31]

Mads

Mads: wait a fucking minute

Mads: Luca. Who the fuck is hollanderkisser

Mads: I thought it was Censmin trying to be stealth but it's not fucking Censmin is it.

Mads: LULU LEMON ANSWER ME

Mads: WHO IS TWITTER USER @HOLLANDERKISSER.

Lulu: yeah it's our blow up doll :(

Lulu: I was hoping you wouldn't remember that

Lulu: I wanted to say something but I couldn't figure out how to tell you without confessing my identity.

Mads: IS THIS WHY YOU ARE TRYING TO PIVOT TO SIDGENO

Mads: holy fuck

Lulu: I dont go into MY rpf tags and harass MY rpf blogs. :/ Even when I have to read around them on AO3 because Haashollanov has taken off in a few limited circles and turned my life into a nightmare.

Lulu: I guess they're right about never meeting your heroes. Or your Barbie/blow up dolls.

Mads: 😭 oh nooooooo my fave cancelled for being mean to my boyfriend.

Mads: okay baby let's cancel him. But you're not making me ship SIDGENO

Mads: they're a billion years old.

Lulu: they're like three years older than Hollanov

Mads: so. Really fucking old.

Mads: don't you have some hot young hockey colleagues for me to ship :/

Lulu: to be honest I just can't see them that way... They're just Some Dude to me...

Lulu: idk it feels kinda weird. I mean. Rozanov and Hollander are Rozanov and Hollander so. I could ship them. And it's the same for Sid and Geno. But... I mean. No one else on that league of legendary has a good ship.

Lulu: everyone else are just dudes I vaguely know. Idk.

Mads: Luca don't tell me that I'm going to have to find out about F1. or kpop. I'm not going to go into F1 RPF. I can't learn about a whole new sport at my advanced stage in life. 

Lulu: Mads. You are twenty one years old.

Mads: yeah and isn't that basically middle aged for a hockey player???

Lulu: no that's still babie.

Lulu: you're still babie.

Mads: 😘

Lulu: 😘

Lulu: can I video call? I wanna see my baby's face.

Mads: [video call 56:29]

Cap

Cap: you seem happier lately

Cap: things worked out with my left cheek?

Lulu: 🙃 never call my boyfriend that again

Cap: great job. Congratulations.

Cap: now maybe you will be less afraid to look teammates in the eye after you stop being so...

Cap: Repressed. That’s the word I was thinking of.

Lulu: Mads lives in Montreal so I wouldn't count on that any time soon lol.

Lulu: it's kind of a long drive. As I'm sure you know

Lulu: but we're going to be smart and BOTH drive halfway for dates.

Lulu: cuts down the commute time.

Cap: I am not having secret affair in a country motel???

Cap: middle of nowhere is not a romantic location.

Lulu: well I don't really care about secrecy OR going out for proper dates. I just want to see him regularly.

Lulu: I might rent a place for us somewhere in the middle for the next few months. Just some town halfway on the T-Can.

Lulu: Mads wants to move in together after he graduates from McGill next spring 🥰 He's willing to live in Ottawa with me while he’s looking for a job. To be close to me 💖.

Cap: cute.

Cap: getting tied down at 20 like every other hockey player.

Cap: very cute.

Lulu: I think its pretty cute yeah. But maybe that's probably moving a bit fast...

Lulu: we were in a situationship for like seven years before this and we’ve been dating like three days and we’re already discussing our futures…

Cap: since you were born???

Lulu: I am not seven years old.

Cap: no you are an infant

Cap: three days old

Lulu: 🖕

...

Cap: Anyway, I need a favour.

Lulu: What is it?

Cap: You’ll find out this afternoon

Lulu: I haven’t agreed???’

Cap: I have a bribe.

Cap: gift for your new boyfriend. (? and girlfriend? Is that Tommy person your girlfriend?)

Cap: [A cropped mirror selfie that zooms in on a pair of ridiculously shapely buttocks almost bursting out of the tight performance leggings embracing them. The shot was taken at an angle to show off the left cheek especially. Though Ilya’s face is not in frame, it is clear whose butt this is. The ass is so luscious and bountiful and perfectly over the top that it probably could be used, unedited, as an advertising for a top of the range BBL surgeon.]

Lulu: What the fuck

Lulu: I should report yuo to HR????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Lulu: Obviously I won’t because we’d both be fucked but jesus.

Lulu: Did Hollander okay this???

Cap: Lol. Yes. Hollander is a fan of your art.

Cap: I showed him the one where we swap jerseys and cum on each other's team logos somehow without showing any dick.

Cap: You know, that could do with updating now that I'm playing for the Centaurs...

Lulu: yeah I had to circumvent Tumblr's explicit filters

Lulu:Anyway. Sorry but I can’t help you, Cap, on account of how I’m going to be disappearing from my old life and starting a new life as a reclusive German shepherd named Johann. Goodbye cruel world.

Cap: You're going to become a dog???

Lulu: no. Like a shepherd from Germany.

Lulu: but fine. I'll help. Only because you were thinking of my Mads 😊

Group chat: Yuna Hollander, Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Hayden Pike, Harris Drover, Farah Jalali, Letitia Edwards, Riley Clarke, Bruce Johnson, Aveda Dresden

Group name changed to: Media Strategy Brainstorm

Luca Haas has been added to the chat

Luca: um… Hi?

Luca: Am I supposed to be here?

Ilya: Hi Luca. This is what I mentioned earlier. We need you to be a social media expert.

Luca: Happy to help, but Harris really is the expert.

Harris: Ilya said that you’re still active in his fandom under a pseudonym

Harris: We thought it might be a good idea to keep an eye on what fans have figured out.

Letitia: We are aware that there is currently locker room talk. And rumours - about Shane and Ilya separately and together.

Letitia: We need to know how far those rumours have penetrated to the hardcore fanbase, and whether it is necessary to do damage control.

Shane: Rozanov and I are not ready to come out yet. Together or separately.

Luca: Well um…

Luca: Look. I get that um.

Luca: Maybe just um

Luca: Maybe just stop letting Pike use his phone around you because that’s where the speculation comes from.

Luca: He keeps posting Roz in his socials. Like it’s insane. There are some fans who think you guys are trying to softlaunch some sort of enemies to friends to lovers image change through his posts because Roz shows up so much.

Luca: I told this to Roz already though. He knows pretty much all the things that the fans have latched onto. And unless Pike posts any more, I don’t really have much else to add.

Luca: Fans are fans - the speculation is mostly wild guessing. Like tabloids. You know, some people are convinced that Roz is secretly married to Justin Trudeau.

Ilya:????????????

Harris: Oh lol yeah.

Letitia: We are aware that’s a common joke amongst fans, but I wasn’t aware anyone thought that was serious.

Luca: no, it’s a joke. But people who speculate about Roz and Hollander have the same level of certainty. Maybe they don’t think it’s funny and they just think it would be sweet or romantic if two long established rivals started dating or whatever, but to the average fan, speculation of Roz and Hollander has as much basis as Truzanov.

Shane: Truzanov.

Ilya: Like Trudeau-Rozanov😜

Shane: Yeah I got that, Mrs Trudeau.

Shane: Sorry Haas, continue.

Luca: I think… Unless Pike posts Roz and Hollander making out on camera or something, the so called “evidence” that fans look for of Roz and Hollander will be take as seriously as the “evidence” that Roz is dating Justin Trudeau because he signed with Ottawa for no reason that the fans could discern.

Luca: No one takes rumours about Roz sleeping with anyone seriously

Luca: but. Um. Well. It’s… people want a reason to tear Hollander down. You guys know that better than I do.

Luca: some hockey "fans" want to believe the rumours that Hollander is queer because they want more justification of their feelings about Hollander, but that has nothing to do with what people think you two are actually up to.

Luca: Well. That’s what it seems like to me. Most fans in the parts of the internet I frequent aren't like that,  it's mostly fans doing what fans do to their two favourite celebrities. but there's a lot of bigots in hockey fandom, and I think you know that better than I do what those people are like.

Luca: sorry I don't know if that was helpful. 

Yuna: Thank you, Luca. We appreciate your insight.

Shane: Yes. We appreciate it, Haas.

Ilya: Lulu, I will send you gift of gratitude.

Ilya Rozanov removed Luca Haas from the group chat.

Cap

Lulu: YOU TOLD SHANE AND YUNA FUCKING HOLLANDER that I. you know. Write RPF.

Ilya: Not Yuna or the support staff. Just Shane.

Ilya: Obviously Pike mentioned the stalker in his dms to us… so Shane wasn’t exactly surprised. He was there when I was tracking you down like an internet detective

Lulu: I would never keep anything like this from my boyfriend but also HOW COULD YIU ROZ. HOW COULD YOU tell more people of my sins. What a man posts on AO3 is between him and god alone. The fact that Hollander has seen my art was bad enough

Ilya: I didn’t read most of those

Lulu: MOST???

Ilya: Your art is more interesting that your writing

Ilya: Shane also likes the piece where we are kissing while fighting

Lulu: Cool I’ll SEND HIM A PRINT I GUESS???????????????????????????? At least that one is SFW.

Lulu: For real though um. I don’t know anything I haven’t told you. Just. Keep Pike’s smartphone away from you. Maybe don’t make out while he’s in the same zip code as you. Or at least only make out when you know where his camera is pointed at??? I cannot emphasise how much that man is a walking media leak. Boiziau and Marleau never pull any of that stuff and they post plenty of pics with either one or both of you. Watch Pike. Make him do all his posting through a social media intern or something. 

Ilya: Reasonable advice.

Ilya: I have thank you for you at practice tomorrow.

Lulu: You already gave me a……bribe.

Ilya: Bribe and thank you are different. Don’t open it til you’re alone.

Lulu: Please don’t give me a pipe bomb or a vibrator.

Ilya: Nothing like that ;)

Cap:

Lulu: WTF Roz???

Ilya: For your spank bank

Lulu: I am trying to be so professional about this Roz. I am trying to be SOOOOO professional.

Lulu: But like. I feel like. I feel like you’re not trying to be very professional in return.

Lulu: Like you KNOW I have a crush on you and also you’re my all time hero. And you KNOW how much time I have spent drawing your abs and your ass and you in complex positions with your boyfriend.

Lulu: SO I am getting some wires crossed here. And I'll admit that. But I feel like you’re crossing my wires on purpose.

Ilya: I’m in a committed relationship but I’m not beyond a bit of fan service.

Ilya: Besides. It’s mostly safe for work.

Lulu: In what universe is a LIFE SIZE BODY PILLOW OF YOU IN NOTNING BUT A JOCKSTRAP safe for work? HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS PRINTED.

Ilya: You could probably bring it in to a game and the fans would think it was funny. That counts as safe for work😎

Ilya: Okay Lulu here is your actual reward

Ilya: [A fully clothed and very tame selfie of Shane and Ilya, with each of them holding up a hand so that their hands made a heart. They are dressed casually, and Ilya is beaming mischievously while Shane has an exasperated smile on his face. The layout and composition of this photo is clearly a reference to the piece of fanart that used to be Luca's Tumblr header, before he changed it to a halfhearted Sidgeno doodle]

Ilya: 🫶An exclusive for my and Shane's bravest soldier and biggest clown 😘.

Lulu:… I know you said exclusive but… can I show this to Mads and Tommy. They won't share it I promise. 

Ilya: do what you need to do. I don’t need to hear about what you do to pictures of me and Hollander.

Ilya: You’ll probably tweet about it anyway…

Lulu: [You got me there.jpg]

Mads

Luca: [Photo of Ilya Rozanov Body Pillow] [Screenshot of conversation with Ilya Rozanov]

Luca: What does this mean

Luca: Mads I’m scared what does this MEAN???

Mads: Luca. We have been dating for three days I need you to be so real with me.

Mads: ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH OUR BLOW UP DOLL???

Mads: because like. It sure looks like you’ve got some weird sexual tension with our blowup doll who is also your coworker and your captain and mentor who you draw and write porn about so like. What’s up with that.

Luca: Mads you know I would never cheat on you.

Luca: with That Man most of all

Luca: Do I still jerk off to ccainao3’s victory lap. Yes. Would I give That Man ANY more blackmail material over me

Luca: No Freaking Way. The way he smirks at me at practice is bad enough. I want to punch him in the face and block him on twitter. If only I didn’t irrevocably fuse my libido with images of his abs and his smug smirky face during puberty :(

Mads: Honestly fair enough

Mads: You’re not allowed to sleep with our blow up doll unsupervised though

Mads: It has to be a threesome

Luca:???????

Mads: You and hollanov or us and Roz. Or a foursome. You’re not allowed to sleep with Ilya one on one.

Luca: I am not going to sleep with any of you if this is how you’re going to react

Luca: I was hoping my loving boyfriend would commiserate with me over My Hot Asshole Coworker being Weird and An Asshole to me.

Mads: We have literally jerked off together on video call over images of this man’s tits and ass do not lie to me.

Luca: it is STILL WEIRD. It’s EVEN MORE WEIRD that I KNOW THAT HE KNOWS that I have a big fat crush on him and that he DEFINITELY KNOWS I’ve jerked off to his abs

Luca: I went through my posts on tumblr to delete any tags when I talk about jerking off to a picture of him but like… I’ve got 80k posts on there and a whole lot of thirsty tags about him.

Luca: I bet he’s seen at least one while stalking me. :(

Mads: Oh poor thing… *pats you on the head*

Mads: now get on video call and give me a preview of what we are going to do to that body pillow next Thursday.

Mads: You know he knew exactly what we would use it for.

Mads: I did call him our blow up doll to his face on twt, and he still gave that thing to you :)

Luca: Hmm, That’s quite true. :)

Luca: [video call, 23:26]

Luca: [voice call 3:27:39]

The Ottawa Conspiracy

hollanovclown: hey Tommy! I uh. Have some big news.

2017allstarscheekkiss: Hey Lulu! did you successfully clone Roz from the hairs you stole from his dressing room stall?

hollanovclown: not that big

hollanovclown: Peaches and I got together!

2017allstarscheekkiss: oh wow congrats!!!

2017allstarscheekkiss: I’m so happy for you!!! I knew you’d get there one day

2017allstarscheekkiss: That or languish in a soul destroying long distance situationship forever

2017allstarscheekkiss: Honestly I thought the soul destroying long distance situationship was why you guys liked Hollanov so much

2017allstarscheekkiss: This is great! You can reenact All Your Cities! Our researched routes and motel stops are THE most efficient way to meet up regularly if you’re doing long distance between OTT and MTL.

hollanovclown: see that’s exactly what I thought too!

hollanovclown: although - hey. Just wanted to uh. Even the standings a bit.

hollanovclown: I told Mads this first because I couldn’t ask him out under false pretenses but I want you to know too

hollanovclown: you are the load bearing third wheel of this deranged tricycle <3

hollanovclown: so um. I’m actually an NHL player. Yeah

hollanovclown: Uh. Luca is my real name. It’s uh. Luca Haas.

2017allstarscheekkiss: Luca Haas…………………………………………….

2017allstarscheekkiss: holy shit you really did stalk Roz all the way to Ottawa

2017allstarscheekkiss: how the fuck did you manipulate the draft to get yourself there??????

hollanovclown: Um. I just got ridiculously lucky

2017allstarscheekkiss: this explains a lot about why you won’t read fics featuring any Cens rookies.

hollanovclown: it does make me a little bit unsettled but it doesn’t actually gross me out like I said it did. IDK I just feel like it’s probably not cool for me to be reading that stuff when people clearly didn’t put it in a space to be read by Luca Haas, NHL player.

2017allstarscheekkiss: wow… ethical

2017allstarscheekkiss: you’re a changed man after you read that Brad Bell essay about RPF. Just didn't realise how applicable that essay was to you personally.

hollanovclown: no I’m a changed man after I’ve had the subject of my RPF tell me he’s read it

hollanovclown: idk what I did to deserve it but idk. Yeah. Fuck my life I guess.

hollanovclown: anyway, do you need me to give you some proof or.

2017allstarscheekkiss: nah. I had suspicious you were near the cens in some capacity. I thought you might have been Censmin or the guy inside Chuck. Or like. The actual cleaning crew and you were actually for real keeping strands of Rozs hair in a test tube.

2017allstarscheekkiss: More importantly. The subject of your RPF?????????????

hollanovclown: Yeah uh.

hollanovclown: [Screenshot of the following conversation:

Cap: you have come pretty far from someone with my shirtless posters on your wall

Cap: I'm proud of you, small baby man. Tiny infant hockey player.

Haasy: thanks. I would say it means a lot. And it does. But. I can't think about anything other than the fact that you found my secret fandom accounts right now.

Haasy: this is the worst day of my life.

Cap: why? You are obsessed with me and Hollander yes? And now you know you are right. You now know we fuck on the regular. He is my boyfriend. I love him.

Haasy: wow. Um. Cool. I am going to pass out but thanks for trusting me with that]

hollanovclown: congrats on your dreams coming true. #Hollanovreal #ottawaconspiracyreal #wewinandwekeepwinning etc.

2017allstarscheekkiss: Hmm. Cool.

2017allstarscheekkiss: I’m going to need to see some proof that you ARE Luca Haas actually

2017allstarscheekkiss: I don’t think this is real. Or from the same plane of existence that we are on

2017allstarscheekkiss: This sinful world doesn’t deserve that actually so like. You’re gonna have to prove it.

2017allstarscheekkiss: are you even my friend Lulu "Luca" Lemon??? Maybe you're a hacker and this is a complicated phishing scheme. 

hollanovclown: okay uh. I’ll dm you from my public twitter I guess?

DM from Luca Haas @LucaHaasNHL

Luca Haas @LucaHaasNHL: Hi Tommy. This is Luca

Luca Haas @LucaHaasNHL: [video of Luca waving to the camera and greeting Tommy by name].

2017allstarscheekkiss: HOLY FUCK.

2017allstarscheekkiss: HOLLANOV REAL

2017allstarscheekkiss: ALL WE DO IS WIN AND WE WIN AND WE KEEP WINNING

2017allstarscheekkiss: LULU YOU ARE NOW MY FAVOURITE HOCKEY PLAYER.

hollanovclown: well never let it be said that I don’t deliver

hollanovclown: he sent this for peaches and you. I think he thinks we're also dating? Not sure but it's for my boyfriend and my ?girlfriend? <-his exact words.

hollanovclown: [Cropped selfie of Ilya’s ass]

hollanovclown: also he gave me this as a joke but I’m going to be. Using it.

hollanovclown: [blurry photo of the Ilya body pillow] [Screenshot of the conversation where Luca reacts to the body pillow]

2017allstarscheekkiss: Hey. Lulu.

2017allstarscheekkiss: What the fuck. WHat the fuck???’

hollanovclown: I wonder about that daily.

2017allstarscheekkiss: I've read this fic about baby rookie Luca Haas and Captain Rozanov before...

Ilyasleftcheek: Yaaaaaaaaay you already told Tommy!

Ilyasleftcheek: Thanks for taking point. You know I’m not good at breaking things gently

2017allstarscheekkiss: idk if Lemon broke anything gently my dude.

2017allstarscheekkiss: Anyway it’s none of my business if you guys are in romo with each other

2017allstarscheekkiss: As long as you don’t let it get in the way of The Mission. Our Art. Our Vision. Etc etc

2017allstarscheekkiss: Wait a minute. Lemon is this why you’re trying to softlaunch a pivot to sidgeno

hollanovclown: well. It’s because Ilya found my accounts and now he’s sort of doing weird flirty fanservice to me and I feel like I shouldn’t like that or let it continue.

2017allstarscheekkiss: You are not hollanov’s strongest soldier and you will not see the gates of heaven

2017allstarscheekkiss: Peaches talks some sense into your boyfriend

Ilyasleftcheek: Don’t worry, he’ll come around once he has confirmation that Roz is just being mean to him for personal enjoyment or shits and giggles and isn’t trying to cheat on Hollzy

hollanovclown: don’t SAY IT like that

hollanovclown: I mean, it's true but still.

hollanovclown: that somehow sounds more unhinged than writing and posting RPF about my coworker when I know he’s aware of it.

2017allstarscheekkiss: well Lulu YOU don’t go into the Luca Haas tags and harass your RPFers so like. I feel like if you’re okay with it then he should learn to live with it

2017allstarscheekkiss: what was HE doing at the devil’s sacrament or whatever etc

Ilyasleftcheek: Rozy at the devil’s sacrament…

2017allstarscheekkiss: goth evil rozy…

Ilyasleftcheek: I already love him covered in blood but like… goth AND covered in blood

Hollanovclown: is he sacrificing Hollzy homoerotically to the devil or is Hollzy the demon he summons with all the blood…

Hollanovclown: STOP IT. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

Lulu Lemon 🍋@no1rozanovanti: I lied. Hollanov is still the greatest thing in the universe. Love wins forever actually. Roz and Hollzy you are my GOATs and if you see this and think I’m cringe then that’s simply your fault for being on stan twt <3

[Digital painting of Ilya and Shane making a heart with their hands]

[Pencil sketch of hot evil goth devil worshiper Ilya with sexy facial piercings and killer eyeliner leaning on the broad shoulders of a stern, angelic, winged and enhaloed Shane wearing a gauzy see-through robe. Red marker has been used to emphasize Ilya’s lips, eyeliner, and the spatters of blood covering him, while gold marker has been used to colour Shane’s halo and wings, glowing eyes, and freckles.]

hollanov believer @hollanderkisser: WOAH! Hot. Great art as always :) <3 Bet you'd like to trace all those pretty colours with your tongue

Lulu Lemon 🍋 @no1rozanovanti:Aaaaaand I'm back to being a hater again.

Chapter End Notes

And then the Fanmail leak didn't happen and Ilya and Shane got to come out on their own terms once Shane signs with the Cens the next season.
Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think💖
The fic proper is finished, but I have a epilogue in the works that might turn into a part 2 of the series, so stay tuned if you enjoyed this!

Chapter 4: Epilogue

Chapter Summary

Luca Haas causes a stir on Haasonov Twitter

Chapter Notes

Luca and Peaches/Mads ship name as Leaches/Lads courtesy of a comment from whatanaccidentwaitingtohappen! I loved it so I've referred to it here!

Just a little epilogue. I thought about making this a part 2, but I don't think it was substantial enough to be a standalone sequel, as it's about the length of a chapter.

Lucas Haas Reacts To Fanart

@OttawaCentaurs

[Luca gives the camera an awkward smile as he settles into the seat. A hand, presumably belonging to Censmin, passes him an iPad loaded up with fanart.]

Luca: Oh! I love the linework here! So clean and precise.

[Luca pinches the screen to zoom in. His eyes are lit up with admiration.]

Luca: I really admire anyone who shares their art online, and I’m so grateful that it’s of me! I know how vulnerable it can be to share your work, and I don’t even post my art online!

[cut to the next piece of fanart: a shirtless, glistening Luca drawn in pornographic and virtuosic hyperrealistic detail. He has his helmet in his gloved hands and is shaking his hair out.]

[Luca gasps]

Luca: is this coloured pencil??? The realism is insane!

Luca: Oh um.

[Luca belatedly blushes bright red. He covers his face for a second before lowering his hand and giving the camera an embarrassed little smile.]

Luca: I am very flattered. It’s a very flattering depiction of me.

Luca: Censmin probably picked this one to make me blush, but I can’t get over the level of detail - this is so cool! I hope I’ll be even half this skilled one day!

[Cut to the next artwork: Luca and Ilya Rozanov standing next to each other in full Centaurs gear. Ilya is ruffling Luca's hair and Luca has an arm around Ilya. Both of them are grinning.]

[Luca's face lights up]

Luca: oh wow!... I've seen this before and it's one of my favourite pieces that anyone's ever done of me! I know I've talked a lot about how much I look up to Roz before but it's still true. He's just such an inspiration to me, and every day that I get to play next to him still feels unreal. I guess I’m a fan too.

Censmin, off screen: We all know you’re a passionate artist - have you ever drawn fan art yourself?

Luca: Oh yeah! Definitely! But I’ve always been too shy to share it.

Censmin: Could we see some of your fan art? A sketch or something?

Luca: Yeah, just a second.

[The camera cuts to Luca looking through a backpack. He pulls out a sketchbook]

Luca: Uh… Here.

[Luca holds up his sketchbook. His hand covers a corner of the page, but the rest of it is made up of a sketchy study of Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander facing off.]

Luca, blushing: I’m usually pretty shy about showing my art to people, but I’m trying to be braver about it.

Censmin, offscreen: Woah! That’s amazing!

Luca laughs a little awkwardly.

Luca: Thanks! Roz and Hollander have been inspirations to me for so long, and so I wanted to try capture the intensity of their faceoffs.

Timeline

Luca Haas Enjoyer @Haaaaaaaas tweeted: LUCA REACTED TO MY FANART???

⤷Luca Haas Enjoyer @Haaaaaaaas: I’m not sleeping tonight lol.

⤷Luca Haas Enjoyer @Haaaaaaaas: ??????????????????????????????????????????????

Comissions open! Mai @iluluca tweeted:holy shit. Um. Holy shit???

Haaaaasy @Haasonova tweeted: WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S SEEN IT BEFORE.

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: HELLO??? HAVE I LOST IT??? HELLO???

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: what do you mean he’s seen art of him and Ilya from my favourite Haasonov artist???

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova retweeted

Comissions open! Mai @iluluca: Ilya and Luca! <3 [Image which Luca reacted to:Luca and Ilya Rozanov standing next to each other in full Centaurs gear. Ilya is ruffling Luca's hair and Luca has an arm around Ilya. Both of them are grinning.]

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova retweeted

Comissions open! Mai @iluluca replied: And a kiss lol. [A rougher and sketchier piece depicting Ilya pinning Luca’s arms to the wall and kissing him passionately]

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: There’s no way he didn’t see the second art if he’s seen the first art. It’s literally a reply to the first tweet???

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova:: Luca has seen art of him and Ilya by a Haasonov artist. WHICH COULD MEAN NOTHING

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: WHICH. COULD. MEAN. NOTHING.

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: he says it’s one of his favourite pieces…

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: which could mean nothing.

No 1 Ilya Canceller @ilyasleftcheek quote retweeted: @no1rozanovanti which could mean nothing

Haaaaasy @Haasonova: which could mean nothing

Shane Enjoyer @hollanderkisser quote retweeted: @no1rozanovanti which could mean nothing 😏😏😏

Haaaaasy @Haasonova: which could mean nothing

Tommy Tomato Jam @2017cheekkiss tweeted: @no1rozanovanti Lulu I have some ao3 links for you if you’re interested <3

Lulu Lemon @no1rozanovanti tweeted: @ilyasleftcheek @hollanderkisser @2017cheekkiss I am blocking all of you. Seeing a retweet on the timeline doesn't mean you also see the replies.

⤷Haaaaasy @Haasonova: Aren't you the guy who wants to rip Hollander's slutty lulus from his thighs with your bare teeth??? lmao and you think THIS is unrealistic?

⤷Lulu Lemon @no1rozanovanti: When will my sins be forgotten...😞

Roz

Roz: LOL

Lulu: don’t.

Roz: If you want to live out the fantasies about Shane's lulus, the offer for a threesomes till stands.

Lulu: I want a threesome with Shane's Stanley Cup rings. Just me and those two rings.

Roz: He's more protective of them than he is protective of me :(

Roz: sorry, keep dreaming.

Roz: I’ll be there in 5.

Lulu: I’m ready! I’ll wait for you at the kerb.

Roz: Do you think our shippers will think we are driving for romantic getaway

Lulu: That's a lot less sad than carpooling to separate booty calls

Roz: :(

Jane

Lily: On my way. Giving our hockey son a lift to his boyfriend’s place lol

Lily: Kind of funny that our hockey son is following in our footsteps with long distance gay affair

Lily: Kind of sad too that he also has to deal with the long distance thing.

Jane: Is he coming by the house???

Lily: No, I’m dropping him off at his boyfriend then I will come over

Lily: Do not want the children to see how I’m going to greet you

Jane: Good. I can’t wait any longer.

Lily: Eager 😉

Lily: I want you to get yourself ready for me now

Lily: Then I want you to tease yourself

Lily: I want to know that you’re desperate and waiting for me the whole time that I’m on the road.

Jane: Fuck off you’re two hours away.

Jane: More if you have to drop off Luca.

Jane: Fuck, you asshole.

Lily: 😏

Jane: Fuck. Be quick about it.

Hockey Colleagues Enjoyers

Lulu: help.

Lulu: I didn’t think this through

Lulu: I’m stuck in a car for the next two hours with Roz

Lulu: it is so awkward I am going to combust

Lulu: I cant even make myself make eye contact with him right now

Tommy: aww. Well, at least it’s not as bad as him finding your Tumblr. Or Twitter. Or AO3.

Lulu: :/ Isn’t it though

Peaches: Just pretend to fall asleep

Peaches: or ask him hockey questions

Peaches: Get some fashion tips from him

Lulu: Mads LOML if you think I am taking fashion advice from him…

Lulu: you should dress like him if you think the Rick Owens joggers were a look.

Peaches: I didn’t even know who Rick Owens was before he wore those. God.

Tommy: I wish I didn’t know Rick Owens was because that would mean I’d never have seen Ilya in those stupid pants.

Lulu: Hmm he seems kind of. Distracted. Or maybe. Intent? I don’t know if he’s a very focused driver or if he’s thinking of something really hard

Lulu: He kind of has a very intense look on his face.

Peaches: He’s thinking about… his Hockey Colleague in Montreal probably

Tommy: I would say ask him what he’s thinking but you probably don’t want to know

Lulu: fair.

Lulu: To be honest I feel a bit weird about carpooling because like. I mean. It’s clear what we are both there to do

Tommy: Lulu. Don’t think about it. I know you’re always thinking about it because we are all always thinking about it.

Tommy: buut don’t think about it.

Peaches: Yeah babe think about what we’re going to do when you’re here!!!

Peaches: I have an itinerary

Peaches: I deep vacuumed every corner of the flat. Including the ceiling vents.

Peaches: I have our fuzzy PJs in the dryer literally right as I type this

Peaches: And I have two frozen pizzas and an entire charcuterie board in the fridge right now…

Lulu: Mads do not talk dirty to me in the threeway chat

Lulu: All I’ve had after the game was a protein shake and a handful of grapes bc I was worried that Roz would show up early and I wouldn’t be packed when he got here so I just changed and packed and sat there waiting for him to text me that he was coming for like half an hour like an idiot.

Lulu: also I was working on the Shane in the gym painting and I lost track of time

Tommy: Don’t your team chefs provide dinner after games?

Lulu: I took home a to go box from the arena for dinner but I’m too scared to eat it in the car in case I spill sauce on his custom seats.

Lulu: I’m honestly too scared to breathe in his car

Lulu: you know how he’s like about his cars…

Peaches: Which car is Roz driving today?

Tommy: The SUV

Lulu: How did you guess lol

Tommy: Didn’t guess

Tommy: [Link]

Tommy: A fan spotted you and it’s blowing up Haasonov Twitter

Lulu: FUCK. 

Brock Cranson @Cen2orzfan tweeted: Spotted Roz and Haasy in the car. Wonder where they’re going? Hope they’re going to celebrate that amazing win tonight!!! #GoCens

[Blurry cellphone image of Ilya and Luca clearly snapped from the interior of a moving vehicle. The motorway signage shows that Ilya and Luca are driving in the High Occupancy Vehicle Lane.]

Luca Haas Enjoyer @Haaaaaaaas quote retweeted: I am so used to giving and now I get to receive

Brock Cranson @Cen2orzfan: Spotted Roz and Haasy in the car. Wonder where they’re going? Hope they’re going to celebrate that amazing win tonight!!! #GoCens

[Blurry cellphone image of Ilya and Luca clearly snapped from the interior of a moving vehicle. The motorway signage shows that Ilya and Luca are driving in the High Occupancy Vehicle Lane.]

 

Haaaaasy @Haasonova tweeted: Haasy baby you’re not beating the iPad baby allegations

[a croppsed closeup on the image to show Ilya is driving with an expression that looks halfway between bored and brooding, and Luca looks to be immersed in his phone]

⤷Babiest Centaurs @DatHaass: Maybe he’s texting his baby<3

⤷Haaaasy @Haasonova: WHY are the LucaTan shippers trying to make this about Tanner Dillon. He is literally Ilya’s passenger princess as I tweet this???

⤷Babiest Centaurs @DatHaass: I’m actually a Haasberg shipper lol. Haasonov shippers be normal on the internet challenge.

⤷Haaaasy @Haasonova: Wait wait pause the internet beef people actually ship Haasberg??? I’m not trying to clapback I’ve genuinely never seen anyone ship them before??? How do you survive with such a rarepair???

⤷Babiest Centaurs @DatHaass: by writing 50% of the fics in the AO3 tag my damned self and by having eyes to see that theyre meant to be

⤷Haaaasy @Haasonova: Okay I feel kinda bad for you. Hope you eat soon I guess.

⤷Babiest Centaurs @DatHaass: That’s the only actually hurtful thing you’ve said to me so far tbh

Comissions open! Mai @iluluca tweeted: Breaking in the SUV. Uncropped on my R18 acc: @mailuvsluca

[Cropped fanart of Ilya pinning Luca onto the hood of the SUV that only shows their upper bodies.]

⤷Haaaasy @Haasonova: bark bark bark. I am barking as I scarf this down thank you for the food <3

⤷Luca Haas Enjoyer @Haaaaaaaas: AWOOGA. MAI. HOLY FUCK. Who tf are even michaelangelo and leonardo they should have named a turtled after you. Damn.

Hockey Colleagues Enjoyers

Peaches: I get unlikely ships but I can’t believe how many people ship you with Dilly

Peaches: Have you ever even been on the same line???

Peaches: No justice in this world. If they aren’t going to ship you with fellow number two draft pick Shane Hollander and your childhood hero Ilya Rozanov then at least it should be Bood or Holmsy. Or even Boyle. Someone you’ve shared a shift with??? Do these people not understand like. Themes. Narrative. Character dynamics. Basic hockey chemistry.

Tommy: I guess people want to ship two babyfaced white boys…

Lulu: Well honestly it’s because people used to be obsessed with talking about how me and Dilly were the young talent that’s going to be the future of The Rebuild. Back before we got Troy...

Lulu: If you don’t care about on ice chemistry then we get put in enough press and social media stuff together that it makes sense :/

Lulu: I guess it helps that we're buddies

Lulu: but like if we are rpfing me… you know what I ship.

Tommy: Yes Lulu I know exactly what you ship

Tommy: [Ben Affleck smoking.jpg]

Lulu: LEACHES BABY

Peaches: Luca stop trying to make Leaches happen. Leaches isn’t going to happen.

Peaches: I’m not putting out until you agree that it’s Lads.

Tommy: LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS

Lulu: 🙄 you guys have no whimsy.

Lulu: Normies.

Lulu: I’m ignoring you and listening to Roz’s weird Russian music instead.

[Unknown Number]

Unknown Number: Hi, Mr Hollander. This is Luca Haas. From the Centaurs, I mean. Roz is giving me a lift so he can’t text and drive and he wanted me to text you and let you know that we’re about an hour away!

Unknown Number: Sorry to take up your together time. I really appreciate Roz giving me a lift! I got kind of tired of meeting up with my boyfriend in the middle of nowhere but I’m kind of nervous about long distance driving. It’s a real life saver! I uh. Left you a thank you in Roz’s trunk. Luca Haas

Unknown Number: But you knew that already.

Unknown Number: That I’m Luca Haas, I mean, not that I left you something. Well. You know now.

Unknown Number: Sorry for spamming.

Shane Hollander: Hi Luca, thanks for letting me know.

Hockey Colleagues Enjoyers

Lulu: Do you think Shane Hollander hates me

Lulu: Do you think Shane Hollander is thinking about my art that Roz has shown him

Lulu: Or my fucking RPF. I’m going to blow up this car with myself and Roz in it and Shane will just have to deal with being a widower :/.

Lulu: [Screenshot of conversation with Shane]

Tommy: Looks like a normal reply to me

Peaches: Yeah, seems normal? Maybe a bit short but he’s not known to be a chatty guy.

Peaches: no way Roz would tease you and mentor you like he’s been doing if his boyfriend hates your guts.

Peaches: sorry. His hockey colleague. If his Hockey Colleague hates your guts.

“Rozanov is one of my favourite hockey colleagues”

@NHLFanAccessYT

[Shane Hollander is wearing an Irina Foundation T-shirt and sitting down for a vertical format video interview. Judging from the length of his hair, this interview had clearly been filmed in the off-season, though it was only being released now. He appears marginally more relaxed than he generally does during the season. However, this is not an anomaly - he is usually a little less uptight when interviewed during the off-season, though it is not entirely clear to any interviewer why this might be so. He has a polite half-smile on his face as he listens to the interviewer’s question.

Interviewer, offscreen: What is your favourite thing to work with the kids on at camp?

Shane: I like working on edge control with the campers. It’s just one of those fundamentals that you can’t get away from, and having a good grasp on what you can trust your skates to do on the ice is what’s going to give young players the confidence to push themselves to their full potential in a game.

[Jumpcut]

Interviewer, offscreen: Name your favourite hockey players past, present, and future

Shane: Future…?

[Jumpcut from Shane looking slightly confused at the strangely worded question to clearly having had the premise explained to him by the interviewer]

Shane: Past…well you can’t get past Gretzky’s legacy. He’s just one of the greatest, no contest.

Shane:Present… Let me think… I’ll come back to that

Shane: As for the future… I am a big supporter of what the PWHPA are doing with their Dream Gap tours, and I hope that it will lead to the establishment of a unified professional women’s hockey league in North America that treats the players like the pro athletes that they are and fairly compensates them for their labour. I think there’s so much potential there.

Shane: As for the present…

Shane: Probably Rozanov.

Interviewer, sounding mildly surprised: You are famous rivals, and now friends and co-founders of the Irina Foundation. Do you find that he pushes you to play better hockey?

Shane: Yes. He pushes me to play better hockey. And after knowing him better as a person, he’s pushing me to be better off the ice too.

Interviewer: Wow, sounds like he means a lot to you. That makes sense, for two players that are famed for their competitive chemistry on ice.

Shane, sounding a little stilted as he tried to hide his emotional strain: Yeah, he’s one of my favourite hockey colleagues.

[Jumpcut]

Interviewer: If you weren’t a hockey player, what other sport would you play for a living?

[Shane contemplates this for a moment, looking actively unsettled.]

Shane: Uh. I don’t know that I would be an athlete. I like cross-training and I don’t mind playing a game of sewerball or soccer or something with teammates and friends, but no other sport has really called to me the way hockey does. I think I would probably have become… I don’t know, admin or support staff or a Timbits coach or something if I didn’t play hockey. Something hockey related.

Interviewer: we wouldn’t expect anything else of a guy who lives and breathes hockey the way you do.

[The interview continues with several more sets of bland generic questions and stilted generic answers]

Mads

Mads: babe I’ve missed you so much

Mads: I can’t wait til I get to hold you again.

Lulu: same. I’m not letting you out of bed until you have to go to class.

Mads: Lol I hope there will be pee and pizza breaks at least

Lulu: Oh god. Pizza. Maybe I can blow you real quick and then we can have dinner before any wild sexcapade

Lulu: The smell of the teriyaki chicken on rice has been killing me this whole car ride.

Lulu: I’m going to faint.

Mads: eat a protein bar maybe? Don’t you usually keep emergency protein bars in your away bags?

Lulu: My bag is in the trunk 😫 RIP

Mads: are you guys stopping for a bathroom break?

Lulu: probably not? It’s only two hours and I think he really wants to see his hockey colleague ASAP

Lulu: I certainly want to see my non-hockey colleague ASAP

Mads: What would I be, your Tumblr colleague? Your Twitter Colleague? Lmao

Lulu: My HRPS colleague in the Hollanov mines lol

Mads: your fellow Leaches colleague, even

Lulu: 💖💖💖Yaaaaaaaaaaay LEACHES AGENDA yes exactly💖💖💖

Mads: saying Lads Colleague would sound weird but I still hate Leaches

Mads: lads colleague sounds like we work at ladbible or run a frat together or something

Lulu: Peaches you’re killing my boner here

Mads: one second

Mads: [image]

Mads: how bout now

Lulu: Aren’t you at the grocery store????????

Mads: I went to the bathroom to take it lol

Lulu: 😻😻😻 HOT.

Lulu: I would commit any crime in the name of my Peaches’ peaches

Mads: I’ll lock you out don’t think I won’t.

Jane

Lily: Just dropped the kid off. On my way 😏

Lily: Have you been good for me?

Jane: Fuck you

Jane: Yes I’ve been teasing myself

Jane: fucking hurry up.

Luca Haas @LucaHaasNHL tweeted: Carpooling is good for the environment!

Chapter End Notes

Not sure if the sequel is going to be more social media/texting shenanigans, or if it's going to be regular prose and explore some of the relationships set up in this fic. I'm thinking of writing an awkward and cracky threesome with Luca and Hollanov but that might break the tone of this fic, which is all about tormenting Luca with cracky Trials and Tribulations. On the other hand, maybe I'll explore more a deleted plot point about how Luca and Peaches try out the "meeting in the middle in obscure roadside motels halfway between Ottawa and Montreal as per their meticulously researched fanfiction" thing, only to realise that it kind of sucks and isn't very fun if you want to do more than have a furtive angst filled hook up in the dark and leave immediately. The room smells kind of musty and has shit wifi and they can't even order good takeout. That might be more along the speed of this fic, as it would also be cracky and mostly tormenting Luca with trials and tribulations. Let me know what you wanna see in the comments, since I still haven't decided.