David Hollander

Mon, Nov 21 at 1:05 PM
Got to Shane's safe. About to settle in and read through this Armani contract.
At least he got a good brand deal in the breakup.
Let me know how it goes when he gets home from practice.
I am prepared for every scenario.
So you bought wine...
Partly to celebrate! Partly to commiserate!
❤️

David Hollander

Mon, Nov 21 at 4:45 PM
Commiseration all done!
How'd it go?
He was surprised to see me at first. Then relieved. I think he thought I was going to give him some terrible news. And now he's just kind of annoyed. But Shane annoyed. So it's very mild.
I can’t believe you’re actually disappointed your son isn’t heartbroken.
It’s his first relationship in eight years!
That we know of...
Don't even, David. Shane’s private but he’s not secretive. We would have known.
You mean you would have known.
😠
Ha!
He’s just busy. Knowing Shane, a serious girlfriend is probably the next step after winning another Stanley Cup. He'll come to us if he wants to talk.
The sound of him opening his second ginger ale and banging around in the kitchen beg to differ!
I just keep thinking... ROSE LANDRY.
If not her...
Okay, counterpoint...
SHANE HOLLANDER
I wouldn't be surprised if he brought home North America's best neurosurgeon. Or, I don't know, an ecologist who's single-handedly brought a species back from the brink of extinction.
A Swedish princess.
Shane's future wife is probably toppling monarchies as we speak.
Watch out, Swedish princesses.
Ugh, you're right. Our daughter-in-law is going to be a force.
For our son? I don't think anyone less will do.

Lily

Tue, Nov 22 at 2:33 AM
missing that ass baby
my 👅 is so lonely
come over
Tue, Nov 22 at 11:14 AM
uh oh wrong number

Lily

Wed, Nov 23 at 9:17 AM
can't wait to cum all over those freckles tonight
oops wrong number 😛

Rose Landry

Wed, Nov 23 at 11:25 AM
Shane, I saw the news. I’m so, so sorry. This is horrific. I hope you’re able to take space for yourself
I mean, not horrific. Sorry. I don’t know why I said that. It’s going to be okay. You have a great support network and you’re an incredible person and you’re so brave and I am in literal awe of you
And for what it’s worth, I’ve been seeing a really positive response online
Hey, sorry, I haven't been checking my phone much. What news??

Mom

Wed, Nov 23 at 11:46 AM
Shane, I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea when I took the photo that I had caught your private documents. I've taken it down but well... I'm on the phone with Farah, and we're strategizing. We're going to call you in 15, okay? I love you. It's going to be okay.

Dad

Wed, Nov 23 at 11:52 AM
We love you. We're proud of you. We're here for you. Mom is getting things under control. We have a plan. It'll be okay. We love you.

Read More>>

Lily

Thu, Nov 24 at 7:20 AM
my list is longer than yours
sorry
like actually sorry
not funny

4 people

Thu, Nov 24 at 10:05 AM
Farah Jalali (Agent)
Hi Shane, thanks again for the call. I'll recap here. As we monitor the situation, I think it's best if we remain in contact via text.
Jason Stein (Attorney)
Agreed.
Sounds good.
Farah Jalali (Agent)
Great. As discussed, we've broken containment. Recommendation is limited phone use, unless you feel up to it. There's a lot of support pouring in right now--that's encouraging!
Will do. Kind of difficult to see people responding to how pathetic my list was...
Mom
Vulnerable, Shane! Honest!
Farah Jalali (Agent)
Yes! I know it's a total shock, and again, I am so sorry this is how it happened...
BUT!
The public has your back. That's key. People think twice about homophobic comments in and out of the locker room if they know the internet's watching.
Jason Stein (Attorney)
We hope for the best!
Farah Jalali (Agent)
And we prepare for a shitshow.
I expect the shitshow...
Jason Stein (Attorney)
You let us handle that. I know you're not comfortable with legal options but I will reiterate that this path is available to you, in case you need it.
Farah Jalali (Agent)
For tonight... breathe. Talk to your friends, family. The statement is coming tomorrow.
Okay. Yes. Okay.
Last chance to back out now, I guess haha
Mom
We love you! Jason Stein (Attorney)
And we love you as much as we are professionally and ethically allowed to love any client!
Farah Jalali (Agent)
👍

Rose Landry

Thu, Nov 24 at 12:20 PM
if you have any leads for rocks I could live under, I would appreciate it
None big enough to hold a hockey rink, sorry
Statement coming out today?
Yes

❤️

Lily

Thu, Nov 24 at 7:20 AM
my list is longer than yours
sorry
like actually sorry
not funny

Fri, Nov 25 at 1:13 AM
jane

Dr. Anderson (Psychologist)

Fri, Nov 25 6:05 AM
Hi Shane Hollander, this is Montreal Mind and Body confirming your appointment with Dr. Thomas Anderson on Friday, November 25 at 3:00 PM. Reply YES to confirm.

yes

Rose Landry

Fri, Nov 25 at 11:25 AM
Hey, just checking in on my favorite ex-boyfriend. How are you doing today?
I’ve been okay. Lots more calls and zoom meetings with my team
Like my personal team. idk what the Metros are going to think
Have any of them reached out?
Hayden and JJ and Mitty
That’s it?
To be fair, I’m not really that close with the other guys. No news is good news?
Your new fanbase will skewer them if they get out of line
That's what my agent says but you really think strangers care that much?
I think strangers care a problematic amount 😭 But you can harness their good will for evil 😈

Montreal Metros

Fri, Nov 25 at 2:00 PM
Coco
Hey Hollander, so I thought gay guys were supposed to be fashionable...
Okay...
Coco
Like I feel I can finally ask you... What the fuck is this hoodie and jacket combo? Are you going to the gym or a steakhouse dinner date?
Drapesy
Dude, did you see his brown shoes? Least of his problems, bro
Hayden Pike
Leave him alone, guys
Shane gets up before dawn everyday to workout. He dresses in the dark. It’s not his fault
Coco
hahahahahahahahahahahah
Smithy
remember his fuckass rookie bangs???
Flower
remember how he doesn't know who Beyonce is??
Badger
guys, remember how it's brown LOAFERS that's soooo much worse
Very funny, thank you

Hayden Pike

Fri, Nov 25 at 2:04 PM
Hey, I'm muting the group chat. Let me know if something fucked up comes through?
Sorry, man 😔
Yeah, I will. It's pretty tame still. I mean they're being shitty but not shitty shitty
I know. I guess it could have been worse

Lily

Thu, Nov 24 at 7:20 AM
my list is longer than yours
sorry
like actually sorry
not funny

Fri, Nov 25 at 1:13 AM
jane

Fri, Nov 25 at 2:05 PM
you have family with you? look you are making me be boring and send boring text
i know where you live and lambo goes 150 mph

Lily

Thu, Nov 24 at 7:20 AM
my list is longer than yours
sorry
like actually sorry
not funny

Fri, Nov 25 at 1:13 AM
jane

Fri, Nov 25 at 2:05 PM
you have family with you?
look you are making me be boring and send boring text
i know where you live and lambo goes 150 mph
Fri, Nov 25 at 5:31 PM
i have read receipts
don’t worry, no one is asking questions

about you, I mean

no one knows

you're okay

are YOU okay?

i've been better but i'm fine

thanks

okay...

Dr. Anderson (Psychologist)

Fri, Nov 25 6:05 AM
Hi Shane Hollander, this is Montreal Mind and Body confirming your appointment with Dr. Thomas Anderson on Friday, November 25 at 3:00 PM. Reply YES to confirm.

yes
Fri, Nov 25 6:24 PM
Hi Shane Hollander, this is Montreal Mind and Body confirming your appointment with Dr. Thomas Anderson on Wednesday, November 30 at 1:00 PM. Reply YES to confirm.

yes

Mom

Sat, Nov 27 9:05 AM
I have interest from ABC for a reality show. Sort of a Bachelor spin-off. Filming after playoffs in the summer and airing in the fall. Could be fun! What do you think?

Mom, no.

Cute, nice boys! The producer is very open to notes!

Please do not sign me up for this.

Lily

Sat, Dec 3 at 8:20 AM
I saw what you said last night. That was really decent of you to donate

.001% of my salary is no big deal

Rose Landry

Sun, Dec 4 at 1:55 PM
Ilya Rozanov redemption arc 2016? Who would have thought...
He's really only like half bad
I thought you didn't interact much
We don't but I've known the guy since we were 17 so
I always forget you have a whole 🌟 history 🌟 together
Yeah
Wait. How do you know about that?
You told me? Just now?
You're talking about something else. I was just being cute. Know about what, Shane??????

Rose Landry

Mon, Dec 5 at 2:01 AM
Shane
Rose
I can't sleep. I am too excited/anxious about your star-crossed situationship
He lovessss you
One sandwich doesn't equal love

1 sandwich + 10 years = something at the very least
I know you want to talk to him!
I'll think about it...
The worst has already happened! (Sorry!) Silver lining?
Maybe...

Hayden Pike

Tue, Dec 6 at 1:45 PM
I can't believe Rozanov is trying to steal your gay thunder
What are you talking about? Rozanov's not gay...
Worse!! He's engaged 🤮
To a woman btw
The timing just feels super homophobic. You're making history over here and he's flaunting some hot model
We gotta bag you your own hot model! 👨 😉

Rose Landry

Tue, Dec 6 at 10:12 PM
Shane, holy shit

Buying a spell from an Etsy witch as we speak
But it could be nothing! Hollywood gossip!

Dr. Anderson (Psychologist)

Wed, Dec 7 at 9:05 AM
Hi Shane Hollander, this is Montreal Mind and Body confirming your appointment with Dr. Thomas Anderson on Wednesday, December 7 at 1:00 PM. Reply YES to confirm.

yes

Lily

Wed, Dec 7 at 11:55 PM
cnrgats on your engagemnt

you don't know who Beyonce is but you know this 🤔

you have alerts for me or what?

get me something nice with your armani money

i'll send you registry link lol

Thu, Dec 8 at 3:51 PM
awww angry kitten 🐱 💅 🔥

Mom

Thu, Dec 8 at 4:06 PM
I'm not comfortable with a reality show, but maybe I could handle a date? Someone nice? Just to normalize it somehow?

Oh, Shane. That's so wonderful to hear. Only if you feel you're ready! But I think that's a great idea. The story will be very positive.

Have you heard of Raya?
I think we want to associate you with something more accessible. Let's talk tonight!

Okay.

Adam Personal-Trainer

Sat, Dec 10 at 9:05 PM
I had a great time tonight
For sure!
Maybe next time we can get dessert 😉
I'm on a really strict performance diet.
Yah you mentioned once or twice lol
When can I see you again? Somewhere more private 😏
I'm on the road the next two weeks. I can probably get you tickets for our game against Vancouver on 12/19.
Hopefully you're not a Whales fan.
For you, babe, I'll follow hockey, basketball, curling, whatever lol
Just tell me who to like 🤤🤤

Lily

Sat, Dec 10 at 11:33 PM
so you date boys now...
brave
fuck off
i mean it
🙄

Rose Landry

Thu, Dec 15 at 6:45 PM
Help, please. I need you to call me in about 5 minutes and tell me you died or something
Lol what?
I'm in the bathroom questioning every choice I've made because it has led me to this date with this guy telling me that fighting in hockey should be criminalized??
Nooooooo
I need to investigate my need to control and victimize others. Apparently, "I deserve better"
You really do...
He pitched a group therapy retreat in the woods
For men who want to get in touch with their primal urges in a "safe and vulnerable environment"
Omg Rose he's either going to kill me or we're going to hunt people
You're in a public place, you never have to see him again, and by the time I call you I promise I will have stopped laughing
After this, I'm done with dating. My mom has terrible taste in gay men
Thank you
Maybe you just need to date a hockey player or something 😊

Lily

Fri, Dec 16 at 1:45 PM
2 in one week!
what are you looking for? someone even more boring than you? have you tried a model train convention or a nursing home?
maybe I want someone kind and emotionally available
i do not think that is what you really want

(514) 844-5323

Sun, Dec 18 at 1:45 PM
Hi, Shane, so your dad gave me your number (which I swear is not a line!) He works with my dad at TBC. I hope this isn't weird, but would you maybe want to go out sometime? No pressure, obviously. You're busy! And I'm just a random guy, who promises he will still be a Metros fan if you turn him down.
I'm Jessie btw.
Sure, why not 🙂
Wowwwww. A ringing endorsement. I meant it about no pressure!
Sorry, at practice.
Yes, let's do it!
Go out, I mean!
Haha I just checked your schedule and what about Thursday? Lunch? Even less pressure.
Wow, that's really thoughtful of you.
I'll forward you the info for my favorite place. Vegan. I think you'll like it.
Looking forward to it.

Rose Landry

Tue, Dec 27 at 1:45 PM
Okay, I see your hard launch, Hollander…
It’s only been a couple weeks of casual chatting but I really like him. It just feels so uncomplicated
I’m so, so happy for you. Uncomplicated is good

Jessie Buckley

Thu, Dec 29 at 7:35 PM
Amazing goal! I caught the highlights!
Thank you ❤️

Lily

Thu, Dec 29 at 7:39 PM
shit goal hollander
off the skate wow lazy
guess they can't all be your dollar store version of The Rozanov from last Friday
tell Pike I said good assist
Pike and Left Skate
oh we're giving out assists to inanimate objects?
be sure to thank the crossbar for its service
it's the 5th best player on the Raiders right now
i like gay Hollander and his sassy gay chirps
😈
😘

Lily

Tue, Jan 3 at 4:33 PM
your boyfriend is from Buffalo ew
I can’t believe you were teasing ME about having alerts on
you are unavoidable
everywhere i see who is shane hollander dating this week, is this shane hollander’s new boyfriend??
yuna must be very busy interviewing her new son in laws
when she’s not signing me up for dating shows
you should have come out years ago, mr bachelor, then you’d be getting all the cock you wanted instead of a few sad fucks a year
i don’t think they were sad
you do?
fuck off hollander
and anyway it's not boys plural
just the one
and he's very nice
he's a vet and he loves dogs
makes sense now
?
you come when called too
i'm going to block you
no you won't
goodnight
jane

Rose Landry

Sat, Jan 14 at 2:08 PM
This may be a dumb question I regret asking but when you stay over at someone’s house do you bring your own pajamas or are they provided for you? What’s the expectation?
And toothbrush? Will he think I’m trying to take over his space if I bring one?
Why does the internet designate a separate weekend fuck bag? Why can’t I just bring a regular bag?
Wow, Ilya Rozanov fucked you up bad huh?
Toothbrush yes. Wear his clothes. Bring whatever bag.
Best ex-girlfriend ever. Thank you!

Rose Landry

Sun, Jan 15 at 11:01 AM
How was it??
Very nice!
Wowwwwwwwwwwww, that bad?
Very nice!! We had breakfast together!
🤔

Mom

Tue, Jan 17 at 6:22 PM
When can dad and I meet this new boyfriend? It looks like it’s getting serious.
I don’t know. I’m asking him to tone down the instagram posts.
He’s a great guy, but I don’t know if we’re making any sort of long-term plans yet. And I really don’t get to see him that often. We mostly text.
You’re getting to know each other. We'll be here when you're ready.

Jessie Buckley

Sat, Jan 21 at 10:25 AM
Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry about last night. I’m going to do some reading up on BDSM culture and see what I feel comfortable with
Wait, what? What do you mean BDSM culture?
Oh, sorry, I assumed. I guess I was just referring to the things you wanted me to do?
Like sex?
The sex I’m good with! The spitting, the spanking, the insults… not so much
It looks pretty terrible when you put it like that!
But I don’t think I asked to be insulted?
I mean, you told me to be meaner to you? To make you cry?
Right, that
I’m really, really sorry. We really, really don’t have to do any of that
Lol give me one more really
Really!
I can try doing some of that… but I don’t want to hurt you
Even if I like it?
If I say yes, will you be disappointed?
No
I’m so boring!
You’re really, really nice! I’m the one who’s boring
Shane, you are the most adventurous guy I know BY FAR

Lily

Sun, Jan 22 at 1:20 AM
if i asked you to spit in my mouth, would that be a weird request?
jesus christ
no, i am not doing this with you
ask your boyfriend to spit in your mouth
that’s the thing
he won’t
very sad for you hollander
even sadder for you because i do not care
there are many men who would spit in your mouth and pay you for the privilege
find one of them to fuck
Sun, Jan 22 at 3:15 AM
you know, all of canada says oh look at shane hollander, what a role model, what a nice guy, class act
but they don't see these fucking 2 am sexts you send me
and they don't see you cry when i make you take me when you're whiny and sensitive
*made
oops my english… not so good
what would they think hollander?
if they knew one time you scooped cum off your stomach and said here use this, i'm out of lube
or that you like it when i press on your bruises
*pressed
fuck
fuck you hollander

Rose Landry

Mon, Jan 23 at 8:53 AM
Rose, I don’t understand men
Me neither, honey
I wish there were rules
You just wish everything was hockey…
Life would be simpler! Hockey makes sense
You would get so many 5-minute time-outs for unnecessary horniness
Penalties
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, notice that he did not take issue with the horniness!

Farah Jalali (Agent)

Fri, Jan 27 at 1:10 PM
Shane, we are loving all the positive press you’re getting. Such a joy to see you so happy! We sent over some champagne for you and your boyfriend to celebrate your one month anniversary!
Thank you! That's very kind!

Jessie Buckley

Wed, Feb 1 at 2:10 PM
Hey, let me know if you think this is a crazy idea, but what about if on your next free day, we drove down to Buffalo, so you can meet my mom. Or I could meet you there when you play them next
Oh wow. I’m honored
That’s a yes?
You don’t think it’s too soon
I wouldn’t be asking otherwise, but it’s not a huge deal if you’re not up for it
Can I think about it?
Of course. And if you’re worried she’s not going to love you, let me reassure you she already does. #1 Shane Hollander fan
Haha. She can battle it out with my mom for that title
I would also love to meet your mom, for the record… when you’re ready!
Haha, yeah, definitely but maybe you could meet my friends first? My mom’s kind of intense
Shane, I would LOVE to put faces to the last names I see on my TV

Hayden Pike

Fri, Feb 10 at 8:17 PM
Thanks again for dinner! Got home safe
Everyone loved Jessie, man. He’s a great guy. Super chill and normal and it’s so cool he has his own vet practice. You guys get to each have your own thing!
Yeah, that’s a good thing. Right?
For sure! If he was as obsessed with hockey as you, then your life would be 130% hockey instead of the 99.9% hockey it currently is
Haha yeah…
Balance is good!
Yep
Jackie says hi and to bring Jessie around anytime!
Tell her thank you!

Lily

Sun, Feb 12 at 7:40 PM
i’m calling it right now. buffalo misses playoffs
obviously…
and! hollander you didn’t let me finish
we’re texting. there is no “finish.” it’s an asynchronous conversation
now you are making up words
i looked it up. this time you got lucky
i’ve never tried to trick you with vocabulary but you have withheld Russian from me many times!
one day i’ll figure out what coatick means
so what else are you doing during this asynchronous conversation?
watching the buffalo game with Jessie
👎
is he mad you are texting a boy??
i’m allowed to have friends
is that what i am?
Sun, Feb 12 at 9:01 PM
what else were you going to say? about buffalo
Joey is gone?
Jessie and yes
and i think Buffalo will fire their coach
mid-season? no way
they are desperate
desperate teams do dumb shit
their problem is they have one goal scorer
exactly. this is why it is dumb. focusing on the wrong problem

Lily

Tue, Feb 14 at 2:12 PM
i am thinking of switching agents. do you like yours? she got you the armani deal?
that was my mom, actually
why? you want to do more sponsorships?
wow what is your mom’s number?
no way
i am not trying to be stepdad
she’s married! you wouldn’t be my anything!
could be live-in boyfriend maybe… tell her i am great at cooking
tuna melts hardly count as cooking
tuna melts were only lunch
you did not stay long enough to have dinner
your loss hollander
could have had cock in wine
coq au vin
that too yes
you are insufferable
i am sending you my agent’s contact info but be nice
don’t worry, you can tell everyone you knew me before i become famous calvin klein underwear model 😉

Rose Landry

Mon, Feb 20 at 4:18 PM
The man has been posting non-stop thirst traps since you got together with Jessie and all you’ve told me about Jessie is how nice he is
He’s caring and kind and thoughtful too!
Those are all just variations on nice
Because he is!
Sorry, your feeble protests are lost on me now that I have seen this man's abs. Abs that I know you have licked, Shane Hollander
Abs belonging to a competitive, sardonic, cocky, self-assured but stupidly sensitive asshole
Aw, tell me more about how terrible he is, Shane!
Whose side are you on?
Love's! 💖🌈🦄
So Jessie's then...
Really?? Shane!!
It's too soon to say it, right?
Only if you don't feel it
Okay, then, way too soon

Lily

Wed, Feb 22 at 9:10 PM
how did you know you wanted to get married?
no, i will not come to your gay wedding
i will be in ibiza that weekend
with your fiancee?
with my what?
it’s what you call the woman you’re engaged to
…i know what the word means but i do not have one of those
rozanov
kitten
you told me to buy you something off the registry?? there are articles online??
what? on the new york post? lol
you listen to them and i am engaged to some new woman every week
presents are my love language
and love is pretty cheap when you’re rich so…
you’re an asshole
aww did you want tennis bracelet from Tiffany’s too?
or were you hoping for a pretty diamond collar?
no
that’s right
for you, something simple i think
a chain you can wear every day and no one will wonder who it belongs to
*you

Jessie Buckley

Thu, Feb 23 at 10:29 PM
Hey tiger.
Hey?
What are you wearing?
Armani loungewear.
Sexy
Free. I don’t have to make a single clothing decision until 2018 😄
Are you going to take it off?
In the morning…?
I’m trying to sext with you, Shane! I’m trying to be adventurous!
Oh!
Oh, great! Yeah, for sure.
The loungewear is navy but it can be any color you think is hottest.
Navy’s good.

Lily

Thu, Feb 23 at 10:40 PM
what would you say if i told you i was wearing some armani loungewear at the moment?
i would say what is this a fucking ad?
or you want to play little rich boy?
i don't know… who are you in this scenario?
mm bratva
what’s that?
Russian mafia
you just bought the apartment next door but you’re in trouble and you need somewhere to hide out for the night
i am so lucky that my new neighbor is home and has a spare pajama set from the 2016 fall collection then
sorry, i’m all out of shirts
that’s okay, it would not be on very long anyway
you just met me. you sure about that?
you see, i am hurt and you must patch me up
i have an excellent first aid kit
show me?
it’s easier if i get in your lap
oh no hollander, i can’t let you do that
why not?
then you would feel how hard i am
are you?
since i first walked in the door
me too
what would you let me do to you?
fuck me
a stranger?
i’d seen you around, thought about it
tell me what you thought about
how you’d pin me down, even though we’re the same size
i’d let you
let me?
yeah, i’m 204 lbs now
209 😈
fucker
ah ah is that how you talk to someone about to put his tongue up your ass?
yes
next time i will make sure you have no words, no little names
next time maybe i will make you beg for this

Jessie Buckley

Thu, Feb 23 at 11:01 PM
Haha I don’t think I know where to go from here.
Me neither honestly. Maybe sexting isn’t for us?
I am totally okay sticking to regular vanilla sex 😀
Of course. Me too!

Lily

Sat, Feb 25 at 10:34 PM
nice goal
you like it?
it can be for you
you can't just dedicate goals
oh no i can't? 😱
too bad i just did
Sun, Feb 26 at 3:10 PM
that was for you
which one?
goal #2
🥰

Lily

Mon, Feb 27 at 11:36 PM
what is this protein powder in the blue bottle? at your house? i forget
oh, it’s called vega but i mix it with vanilla powder and creatine
and a very small amount of cinnamon
this is more annoying than i thought
don’t forget the oat milk, skim
they make skim oat milk?? this is just water
you don’t HAVE to drink it. you asked me!

Lily

Wed, Mar 1 at 8:15 PM
does the hyatt in columbus also smell like feet to you or am i having a stroke?
hayden says it’s fine but his sense of smell has been demolished by children
he is arguing with me and will not let it go
yes feet and fritos and tom ford
that last one is just you
i mark my territory
yeah, like a feral cat
great, now hayden’s telling me he can smell oud wood
this man uses dial 3 in 1 body wash/shampoo
no he can’t
your fault for giving him the idea
gay inception!
just regular inception

Lily

Fri, Mar 3 at 7:45 PM
have you seen deadwood?
no
have you seen the wire?
no
are there any shows you have seen?
forensic files is always on somewhere
i like the ones with the poison
of course you do
reminds me of your protein powder… also deadly

Jessie Buckley

Mon, Mar 6 at 7:00 PM
Crazy day at the office!
Oh yeah?
I had to get a rabies shot, and I saw the cutest bonded pair of kittens.
I hope you’re okay!
I am! 😀
How was your day?
We beat Toronto 6-3, so we’re doing an extra practice tomorrow.
As punishment?
Well, no. It’s just practice. We let in 3 goals against.
I will never understand hockey!

Lily

Tue, Mar 7 at 12:10 PM
hollander
hollander
hollander
i’m at practice what?
have you seen la vie en rose?
yes, actually
it is so saddddd
marly’s girlfriend wants him to be more cultured and now i must suffer too
i tried to watch the terminator on my phone but he caught me!
jesus christ
russians are sad but french people are SAD
and canadians are just boring 😄
ah i feel better now

Jessie Buckley

Wed, Mar 8 at 9:12 PM
I had a really great time last night! And this morning! I’ve never done it twice in one day 😀
Haha yeah. Sorry I had to leave so early. Travel day.
Too bad we don’t just share an apartment. 😜 Have fun out there! I’ll miss you! Love you!
Have a good day at the clinic! ♥️

Lily

Wed, Mar 8 at 9:47 PM
this is impossible
what is?
us, texting, talking, flirting, doing whatever this whole thing is
no one is forcing you to reply
😠
i know what you want hollander
you keep dancing around it so i will take the decision from you
see, i can be nice too
okay?
take off your shirt, leave pants on
what?
you’re in bed yes? it’s 10 pm which is hollander bedtime
all showered? teeth brushed?
yes…
good
take off your shirt
okay
i'm thinking plug tonight
you have been waiting so long and your boyfriend is so unsatisfying you can cum hands free for me
might take you longer but my bedtime is not 10 pm so i have all the time in the world
yes
use lube
i think i know how to do it by now
so bitchy
sometimes you get excited and you want to go fast
then it's all fuck me ilya, hurry up ilya and you're sore after
so
lube
i don't say that
no you're right
but tonight you do
please
ilya
just over the pants shane
i'll be nice and let you use the thickest plug you have
you too
touch yourself too
🙄 like you need to give me permission
what if i revoke permission?
big word 🙂
and so needy
please touch yourself ilya and now you want all my attention on you?
yes actually
fine
i have a cock ring around here somewhere
you do? we never used one
no, i bought it for you in October
thought you might like it
yeah i probably would
okay i changed my mind
what?
don’t go
ilya
i wasn't
fuck shane
you make me so fucking crazy
pants off, on your knees
you can sit on it how you like to but slow
thank you
just an inch
it’s so good
ilya, more?
those strong hockey thighs are shaking already?
a little
you're holding yourself up so nice aren't you?
just pushing the tip in and out?
yes like you told me to
i think you can take more
are you hard too?
so hard
for you shane
imagining you
you know what i look like like this
i fucking hate that i do but i love the red blush on your chest
yeah? you know what i hate?
having your fucking curls in my hands
then i hate the dimples above your ass
i hate every single goddamn beauty mark on your stomach
i hate all the freckles you don't even know you have
really? i kind of hate them too
no not really
shut up shane
ilya i'm so close
i hate when you bite your arm like it's going to make you quieter
i hate how you used to come like a pornstar
and now you close your eyes and make these soft little whines
you take that back
fuck it's in all the way
shane
no, it feels good
but i want to
fuck
can i call you?

(617) 555-0824

Sat, Mar 11 at 4:33 PM
Hello, Shane Hollander. Ilya doesn’t know I am texting you, and I would like to keep it that way. I stole your number off his phone. I am asking as his friend that you stop torturing him. You might think Ilya has an endless capacity for heartbreak, but I don’t. I can’t keep watching him reach for someone who thinks it’s fun to slap his hand away each time. He would abandon his home for you. I hope you know this. If pressed, he might risk prison. He’d definitely quit hockey. I don’t think you’re the kind of person who would use this information against him. Don’t prove me wrong. So. Two choices, Hollander. Either love him or leave him alone.

Dr. Anderson (Psychologist)

Sat, Mar 11 at 4:50 AM
Hi Shane Hollander, this is Montreal Mind and Body confirming your appointment with Dr. Thomas Anderson on Mon, March 13 at 3:00 PM. Reply YES to confirm.

yes

Lily

Mon, Mar 13 at 7:33 PM
what are you doing tonight?
can i call you? i think we should have this conversation over the phone
please
Mon, Mar 13 at 8:02 PM
hey, you sure you're okay?
yeah, of course
okay
so that's it
that's it
see you around then hollander
bye ilya

Dr. Anderson (Psychologist)

Tue, Mar 14 at 6:05 AM
Hi Shane Hollander, this is Montreal Mind and Body confirming your appointment with Dr. Thomas Anderson on Tuesday, March 14 at 2:00 PM. Reply YES to confirm.

yes

Jessie Buckley

Wed, Mar 15 at 8:10 AM
Is the offer to visit your mom still on the table?
Of course!

Jessie Buckley

Tue, Mar 28 at 4:11 PM
Hey, sorry, not really up for hanging out tomorrow. I need to get in some more ice time after our performance last week. Catch up on Friday?
No worries! Win some, lose some, right?
More like win none, lose 3, but yeah
I just mean it’s not life or death 🙂
Right

Lily

Fri, Mar 31 at 8:21 PM
i want you to know i would defend you in the media too. but boston loves you so much, you're not really giving me the chance to return the favor 😄
that's it means that's it hollander
your rules
right sorry

We sat down with Ilya Rozanov for a semi-serious but mostly silly interview that began with the five things in his desert island bag.

Here’s what he said:

1. One crate of Jewel of Russia vodka. (Not sponsored. I just like it.)

2. A tape of 2008 World Juniors final game to motivate me to get off the island and beat Canada. Again.

3. Nintendo 3DS with Mario Kart and Pokemon game.

4. [redacted] 😉

5. And Anna Karenina. It was my mother’s favorite book. A good bedtime story when you’re little, but I’ve been wanting to go back to it as an adult. No spoilers!

Read More >>

Jessie Buckley

Sat, Apr 15 at 4:40 PM
Hey, I just wanted to say sorry again for all the marriage talk. I could tell it made you uncomfortable but my mom can get carried away sometimes
I’m just really focused on hockey right now
Yeah, of course! Call you later?
Late session with PT + early practice but after?
I have like 5 dentals lined up tomorrow. We’ll figure it out 🙂 Love you!
♥️

Lily

Sat, Apr 22 at 4:15 PM
are you alone?
jessie's here
yes of course
this is so pathetic
i am so pathetic
what's wrong? boston said you were out for the week but not why
are you okay?
no
Sat, Apr 22 at 6:12 PM
thank you
i'm here. anytime
i keep remembering
now i am orphan
at least i will not have to go to any more funerals
ilya
okay it feels really fucked up to say that i hope you find someone you love enough to be sad about going to their funeral but...
thank you for text. now i will leak to media and the world will know shane hollander wants ilya rozanov to have a lifetime of tragedy
maybe he will be too sad to win stanley cup!
🙄
no, no, this is the future you want. terrible sadness
let's call it terrible happiness followed by maybe a pinch of sadness
hollander sometimes i really do hate you just so much
you too rozanov
get some sleep

Lily

Mon, May 1 at 8:23 PM
do you think you could ever come out?
or whatever the equivalent is for bisexuals
what is this question?
what does it matter?
do you think you could stop being canadian or me russian?
just be happy with your boyfriend
please
i just wanted to say i understand even if i think it would make you happier
no you don't hollander
you really don't
well fucking make me then!
Read 8:48 PM

Lily

Sun, May 7 at 11:11 AM
hollander what is in this package? bomb?
no! god, why would you think that?
just open it
or don’t if you’re scared
you are so stupid hollander
you like it? it took a while to get shipped
i also got you the ebook so you can read it on the plane if you want
this was too much
first edition
.001% of my salary is no big deal
and the ebook was even less than that
god fuck you hollander
thank you
you’re welcome
but if you think i will go easy on you today...
if you did, i would think the kgb had replaced you with a shitty clone
with my shitty clone at least you would have a chance 🥰

Jessie Buckley

Mon, May 8 at 1:02 PM
I wish I had met your parents under better circumstances lol
You were asleep when I left, but I'll come back a little later.
Ilya Rozanov came to visit you, by the way. You were pretty out of it, but he looked kind of devastated. But also happy you weren’t going to be in the playoffs. 😠 You pro athletes take your competition way too seriously!
Thanks, babe! I’m feeling a little better. Limited screens though.
Of course! Love you!

Lily

Mon, May 8 at 3:33 PM
met your boyfriend while you were in the hospital
didn’t mean to obviously
i didn’t say anything to him but you were a little grabby, wanted to hold hands
don’t worry, he just thinks you are being nice

Jessie Buckley

Thu, May 11 at 12:04 PM
I don’t want to do this over text, but I know you’re traveling and I have a busy stretch coming up, so I think it’s only fair we don’t drag this out any longer.
You’re breaking up with me.
Yes
Tell me what I can change, and I’ll do it. I’m really coachable and good at taking direction.
This isn’t hockey. And I can’t make you un-fall in love with your ex.
Rose? We are literally just good friends. Totally platonic.
No, Ilya.
Hahahaha oh my god. Ilya is not my ex boyfriend.
Practically crying at your bedside is total bro behavior, I'm sure. Maybe I'd think that if I hadn't seen the texts. "He just thinks you're being nice."
Okay. He’s just a guy I used to have a thing with. A handful of times.
Right. Whatever he is, I don’t think this is fair to me or you or him either. It's his instagram you're always checking, right? He's who you've been texting.
I stopped! I'm stopping!
Shane, there’s nothing to salvage here. We had a nice time. It didn’t work out, and I suspect you’ll have a much easier time moving on from me than you have with Ilya. Which isn’t a dig at me, btw! More like a dig at you lol
Because you’re obsessed.
It's so clear now.
And I can’t decide if I need to find a guy as obsessed with me as you are with him or if I need to stay 1000 ft away from that kind of frankly exhausting relationship.
Thu, May 11 at 5:32 PM
It does kind of feel like staring at the sun…
And yet you keep staring! So there must be a reason. Go figure it out! I have dogs to spay.

Rose Landry

Fri, May 12 at 1:40 PM
He broke up with me
Rozanov??
I’m not dating Rozanov
Oh, no, Jason! But he was so nice!
Jessie!
What did I say?
😈
And look at that
Just in time for Vegas
What are you wearing? Something slutty, I hope. Show me the options!

Lily

Fri, May 12 at 7:21 PM
we broke up
okay?
you broke up with him?
he broke up with me
ah
don’t you want to know why?
no hollander but you are going to tell me anyway so get it over with
he said i had feelings for someone else
you
you are very stubborn and i am great lay
this is surprise?
why do you have to make this so hard?
why did you run away?
why are you still texting me about games?
about what you think of when you can’t sleep?
about your disgusting protein powder?
why did you buy me rarest copy of a book my mother loved?
see, i can ask stupid questions too
we both know why

Mom

Sun, May 14 at 1:56 PM
Oh, Shane, are you sure you don’t want to fix things with Jessie? He was so sweet.
Mom, please do not show up with wine. Unannounced. Again. I am fine, and it’s okay that Jessie and I broke up. He’s a good guy, but not for me.
Your dad has more friends and coworkers with eligible sons. We’ll find you someone! Vogue is in my inbox ready for a boyfriend photoshoot/feature.
And how do you feel about jewelry? Bvlgari is interested.
Mom!!
Okay, okay. Nurse your heart, my baby.
I miss the days when you were more worried about my ankles… or my ribs… or my head…
Shane, honey, I was always most worried about your heart.

Lily

Mon, Jun 5 at 6:43 PM
you saw it?
yes
not the only one now
hunter owes you
he can buy me a drink at the awards
😡
or you can
we'll see

Lily

Fri, Jun 16 at 4:33 PM
scott hunter is asking me why you’re staring
he thinks you’re being homophobic
knock it off please
this is my favorite nature show hollander
tell hunter i’m in 1506 if he wants to “talk”
we can play find the 🦕 🦴
jesus christ
i’m not telling hunter anything
he has a boyfriend, remember?
and you’re drunk
Russians do not get drunk
that is 100% not true
i see you smiling 😊
everytime you look over, i take a drink
guess how many drinks i have had so far!
😾
that's you
aww don't leave
no fun
🍸 🍸 🍸 🍸

Rose Landry

Fri, Jun 16 at 5:10 PM
I am about to do something very stupid, I think, and this is my last chance to be talked out of it
No 💖
Some of us got to be very stupid as teenagers while you were waking up at 5 am to practice
You have not even BEGUN to fill your stupid quota
But this is a step in the right direction
You don't even know what I'm going to do
I can guess it involves a certain star-crossed loverboy
In which case what you're about to do is not stupid at all

Ilya's Scary Friend (Boston)

Sat, Mar 11 at 4:33 PM
Hello, Shane Hollander. Ilya doesn’t know I am texting you, and I would like to keep it that way. I stole your number off his phone. I am asking as his friend that you stop torturing him. You might think Ilya has an endless capacity for heartbreak, but I don’t. I can’t keep watching him reach for someone who thinks it’s fun to slap his hand away each time. He would abandon his home for you. I hope you know this. If pressed, he might risk prison. He’d definitely quit hockey. I don’t think you’re the kind of person who would use this information against him. Don’t prove me wrong. So. Two choices, Hollander. Either love him or leave him alone.
Fri, Jun 16 at 5:36 PM
I love him
Of course, you do, Hollander. He is very easy to love. I hope I'm not the only person you are telling this to...
You're not. Or you won't be very soon

Lily

Sat, Jun 17 at 8:32 AM
did you leave?
i’m down the street. the hotel didn’t have the protein shake i like
hurry up
bed is cold
you’re such a baby
soon they will amputate
literally ten minutes
💖
🙄 💕
and before you ask, i did grab you a "breakfast sandwich" with pancakes instead of bread. it is 1,200 calories and contains 56 mg of sodium but 0 macronutrients
it's 8 am hollander. too early for such sexy sexts
my cottage is a no saturated fats zone, so i'm warning you to get your fill now
such a good boyfriend. i will live to be 100 and you will never be rid of me
good. i'm done dating. i tried it, i didn't like it. it's you or no one
i hate that no one else knows how absolutely 100% crazy you are
oh really, rozanov? because i think you love it

End Notes

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, without even looking." - Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (trans. by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky)