Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories:

Gen, M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types, Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid

Relationship:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander

Additional Tags:

Crack Treated Seriously, Ilya Abuses Capslock, Ilya Is Not Okay With Canadian Wildlife, Shane Trolls Ilya, Oneshot, Mild Sexual Content

Language:

English

Stats:

Published: 2026-05-27 Words: 1,580 Chapters: 1/1

Canada is Fun

Summary

[Ilya] HOLLANDER

[Ilya] SHANE

[Ilya] THERE IS A MONSTER IN MY DRIVEWAY

[Ilya] I THINK IT WANTS TO MURDER ME

Notes

This is so dumb. Someone has probably already done this but I had to get it out of my head.

Ilya steps out his front door and heads to the practical, boring SUV parked in his driveway, which he purchased because a Porsche is a stupid thing to drive in Canada, a beautiful place that also seems to be made of snow and ice eight months a year. Not that it’s that much different than Boston in that respect, but when he was in Boston, he wasn’t driving two hours each way to see Shane on roads that might or might not be iced over.

It’s a practical vehicle. Good in snow. Faster than he expected. Much more comfortable to drive than the Porsche. 

He stashes his overnight bag in the back, and as he moves around to the driver’s side, something catches his eye. 

There.

Just beyond the gate. 

A creature, the likes of which Ilya has never seen before. 

It’s massive, maybe twice as tall as he is, with long skinny legs like stilts and weird looking tree-like branches growing out of its skull. Its snout is bigger than Ilya’s head, and it looks very angry. When it catches him staring, it makes a sound so weird and evil, Ilya considers running back to the house. Ilya binks at it, and it nudges the gate. A metallic twang reverberates through the quiet early morning air. 

Half terrified, half mesmerized, Ilya takes out his phone and texts Shane. He’ll need to explain the delay, or his possible impending disappearance. 

[Ilya] HOLLANDER

[Ilya] SHANE

[Ilya] THERE IS A MONSTER IN MY DRIVEWAY

[Ilya] I THINK IT WANTS TO MURDER ME

[Jane] Monsters aren’t real, Ilya.

The monster bangs its tree branches against the gate and snorts at him. Its hot breath, no doubt as rank as death, comes out of its nostrils like puffs of smoke. 

[Ilya] I AM LOOKING AT ONE RIGHT NOW, HOLLANDER

[Jane] Describe it to me. 

[Ilya] VERY BIG. ANGRY. 

[Jane] Wait. Are you talking about the monster or your dick?

[Jane] This isn’t some weird prank, is it? 

[Ilya] I AM IN DISTRESS AND YOU THINK I AM JOKING?

[Ilya] YOU ARE TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND 

[Jane] Okay… Tell me what it looks like. 

[Ilya] TALLER THAN ME. BIG EYES. IS BREATHING SMOKE.

[Ilya] LIKE A CAMEL AND A DRAGON HAD A VERY UGLY BABY

[Jane] This still sounds like a prank.

[Ilya] IS NOT A PRANK

[Ilya] I AM IN DANGER

The creature takes a bite of the shrub next to the gate. Bits of leaves and twigs go flying. The crunching sound it makes brings to mind bones breaking. 

[Ilya] IT IS EATING MY PLANT SHANE

[Ilya] I CANNOT LEAVE

[Ilya] I AM TRAPPPED HERE

[Ilya] HELP ME SHANE

[Ilya] YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE

[Jane] You’re quoting Star Wars at me?

[Jane] It is WAY too early for this, Rozanov.

[Ilya] NO. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING

[Ilya] HELP. ME.

[Jane] Can you send a picture? And maybe stop using capslock? It sounds like you’re yelling at me.

[Ilya] BECAUSE I AM

[Jane] Stop yelling and send me a picture.

Ilya takes two steps closer to the gate. The thing makes that weird noise again and Ilya almost jumps out of his skin. He snaps a quick photo and sends it to Shane, then scurries back to the SUV.  

His phone immediately starts ringing, prompting the thing to charge the gate again and it makes a noise Ilya is positive is coming straight from the depths of hell. Ilya is still screaming when he accepts the call. 

Shane, the asshole, is laughing hysterically. As if Ilya’s life isn’t on the line.

“Is not funny, Hollander.” 

“Ilya,” Shane chokes out through giggles. “It’s just a moose.” 

“The fuck it is! Is a monster!”

“I promise you, it’s a moose.” 

“Why the fuck is it so big?!” Ilya shouts into the phone, prompting another round of laughter from Shane. “And why is it here? Should be in the woods eating fucking berries and grass, not trapping me in my home!” 

“I don’t know,” Shane says. “Moose get really big and they go wherever they want. You’ve seriously never seen one before?” 

“Does it sound like I have seen a moose before?” Ilya glares at the thing he’s not so sure is really a moose. Shane could be wrong, after all. He’s not here seeing what Ilya sees. “We don’t have these in Russia.” 

There’s a pause, then: “Google says Russia has lots of moose. Even in Moscow sometimes.” 

“Is lies. I would know if there were monsters roaming the streets of Moscow.” 

“Just because you never saw one doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”

“Nothing should be that big,” Ilya complains. “Stupid Canadian wildlife. The animals here are all unnatural.”

“I promise it’s normal.”

“Is a mutant,” Ilya grumbles. “How do I make it leave?” 

“You don’t, unless you actually want it to murder you.” Ilya can tell Shane is trying not to laugh. 

“That is not helpful, Hollander.” Ilya opens the door of the SUV. “Maybe I should honk at it? Or maybe use the hose.” 

“That will just piss it off.” Shane pauses. “Wait. I think it’s mating season… it might want to fuck you. They get weird like that sometimes. Like, they get people confused with other moose or something.” 

“What?!” Ilya shouts into the phone. “What the fuck is wrong with this country?!”

Shane starts laughing again. “It’s usually just hunters, but… your gate is closed, right?”

“Is the only reason I’m still alive, Hollander. Is there someone I can call to come get it?”

“I mean, yeah, but it’ll move on before they get there.” 

The moose snorts at Ilya, making it clear that it has absolutely no plans to move on. Smoke billows out of its nostrils again. Ilya swears he smells something burning.

Like hell that thing is moose. 

“Go inside. Make yourself a cup of coffee. Look at the news,” Shane says. “I’m sure it’ll be gone in a little while.” 

Ilya has serious doubts about that. “Don’t they travel in packs? What if it has friends? I do not want to get gang-banged by monsters, Shane.” 

Shane snorts back a laugh. “Okay, maybe no more coffee for you. Seriously, though. Go inside. I’ll stay on the phone with you if you want.” 

Ilya looks at the moose, which is still staring him down through the gate, then he checks the time. He should already be on the road. Every minute he waits to leave is a minute he won’t get with Shane. 

“And what will we talk about?” Ilya asks. He turns away from the stupid mutant Canadian moose and heads back to the house. 

“What’s the first thing you want to do when you get here?” Shane asks. As if he doesn’t know.

“If you are not naked and waiting for me in your bed when I get there, I will turn around and go home.”

“No you won’t.” 

“Maybe I should stay here. Make friends with the moose.” 

“You’re not doing that, either. It’s a monster, remember?”

“Is a moose, Hollander.” 

“Oh. Now it’s a moose.” 

“Yes. If you say it is a moose, it is a moose.” Ilya grabs a coke from the fridge. “It still should not exist.”

“Welcome to Canada,” Shane says. “The moose get big here.”

“Yes. Is very fun here. Is full of boring Canadians and weird animals.”

Shane laughs. “And me.”

“Yes,” Ilya says. “But I think you are both.” 

Shane hangs up on him. A moment later, he sends a pic of his middle finger.

[Jane] Have fun with the moose. I’m sure you’ll make a beautiful couple.

[Ilya] I hate you

[Jane] No you don’t.

[Ilya] No. I don’t. Even though you are very mean to me.

[Jane] Are you going to punish me?

[Ilya] Maybe I will pretend I’m a moose.

[Jane] Gross

[Ilya] I will trap you in the bedroom for three hours.

[Jane] That doesn’t sound like punishment…

[Ilya] I will stand outside the door and bang on it.

[Ilya] And make weird noises.

[Ilya] And not let you out, while I eat McGriddles. 

[Jane] I mean if that’s what you need to do to get yourself going, I guess. 

[Jane] I probably won’t want to kiss you with McGriddle breath, though.

[Ilya] I will brush my teeth first. Promise.

[Ilya] What is more than one moose called? Meese? Mooses?

[Jane] It’s just moose.

[Ilya] That doesn’t make sense.

[Ilya] More than one mouse is mice, yes?

[Ilya] And more than one duck is ducks

[Ilya] So more than one moose should not just be moose.

[Jane] I don’t make the rules.

[Ilya] English is stupid language. 

[Jane] Yeah sometimes. 

[Jane] Has it left yet?

Ilya opens the front door and peeks out. There’s no sign of a monster anywhere. Cautiously, he walks to the gate. One of the bars is bent inward, which he will probably have to fix, but it’s otherwise intact. 

It doesn’t appear to be anywhere on his street, either. 

Maybe the crisis has been averted.

[Ilya] It is gone.

[Ilya] Do I get a reward? 

[Ilya] For fighting a monster before breakfast?

[Jane] Yes, Ilya. You’re very brave. 

Ilya frowns at his phone. He can practically hear Shane’s placating tone. 

[Jane] Come upstairs when you get here. I’ll be waiting. 

[Jane] But you better hurry. 

Ilya’s dick twitches with interest. 

[Ilya] I am on my way.

 

A week later, an enormous stuffed moose appears on his doorstep.

Ilya is not amused.