Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories:

F/M, M/M

Fandom:

Heated Rivalry (TV)

Relationships:

Hayden Pike/Jackie Pike, Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike, Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov

Characters:

Hayden Pike, Jackie Pike, Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov

Additional Tags:

5+1 Things, Hayden Pike Is A Stupid Ally But He Tries Very Hard, Friendship, Character Study, Hayden Pike Is Big Of Heart And Dumb Of Ass, Demisexual Hayden Pike, Good Friend Hayden Pike, Hayden Pike Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, POV Outsider, Walking In On Someone

Language:

English

Series:

Part 2 of Hockey dudes and the dudes in their lives

Stats:

Published: 2026-03-03 Completed: 2026-03-14 Words: 16,985 Chapters: 6/6

Shane Hollander maybe has some additional issues

Summary

The first time Hayden asks himself if Shane Hollander is gay, he’s drunk and stupid, and it isn’t even about Shane. He’s just being maudlin, the buzz of mid-shelf tequila turned sour after he stopped a girl getting too handsy with him on the dancefloor. She’d looked at him like he was crazy.

OR

Five times Hayden asks himself if Shane is gay and one time it's pretty fucking obvious. Because he walks in on them.

Notes

This takes place in the same universe as Store-bought is fine, but that only really matters for the last chapter. Still, you should read it, I'm quite proud of it!

Do I have a problem? Obviously. But am I going to stop having that problem anytime soon? Apparently not.

It's just gotten in my head that these hapless hockey dudes are so CLOSE to much better friendships, they just need to TALK. In this case, I'm mostly making them talk about marriage, children and ass play. The holy trinity of bro topics. Oh, and Scott Hunter. He's not all that important, though. Too old to be relevant.

Chapter 1

The first time Hayden asks himself if Shane Hollander is gay, he’s drunk and stupid, and it isn’t even about Shane. He’s just being maudlin, the buzz of mid-shelf tequila turned sour after he stopped a girl getting too handsy with him on the dancefloor. She’d looked at him like he was crazy.

“What, are you gay or something?”

The words are still echoing in his mind five minutes later. She’s back on the dancefloor, grinding with some dude Hayden’s never seen before, but who’s a damn sight more enthusiastic than he had been. And he’s feeling weird. Because he - what, hadn’t wanted to get a boner in public? What’s so bad about that? 

Hayden didn’t exactly grow up religious, but he had plenty of very religious friends growing up. Whatever settlers first colonized the area he did most of his growing up in held to their Catholicism with a death grip, and so did the generations that came after them. When Hayden’s family moved to be closer to the job his dad got in the oilsands, their mom sat him and his sister down and had a long talk about how different people have different priorities and that’s okay. His sister, four years older than him and already in high school when they moved, hated these new people and their old values with a passion. Hayden, who didn’t even really understand why people would want to have sex at that point, thought it was kind of neat.

His first girlfriend, when he was fifteen, made it very clear from the beginning that she would not be having sex before marriage. The way she was tugging at her cross necklace when she said it made him think she was worried about his reaction, but Hayden seriously didn’t mind. It was cool that she had clear boundaries. If it also happened to mean that he didn't have to freak out about sex, all the better. When she told him she would move, Hayden didn’t feel like the world was ending and she didn’t like that. She also didn’t like that he didn’t want to exchange promise rings because sixteen felt too early. So they broke up.

His second girlfriend, when he was seventeen, didn’t address it at first. Hayden didn’t think about it much. It was a non-issue in his first relationship, after he learned when exactly he had to stop kissing someone if he didn’t want to get hard. So Hayden didn’t think much of the omission, and just did what he was used to. Any time he got too hot under the collar, he put a stop to it. His girlfriend liked that until she didn’t. When she asked him why he didn’t want to have sex with her, completely out of the blue and in the middle of a Timmies, he didn’t know what to say. So they broke up.

His third girlfriend didn’t even get the opportunity to bring it up because Hayden did it first - before she was even officially his girlfriend. To make sure they were on the same page. He told her he wasn’t ready yet, and he wanted to really get to know her first anyways. It wasn’t anything religious, just personal. He wanted to be sure. And then he still wasn’t sure when he got drafted by the Montreal Metros. So they broke up.

There hasn’t been a girlfriend since. Just girls in clubs. And it’s fun kissing them, because Hayden loves kissing. The problem is when they don’t want to stop at kissing. It’s usually fine if he’s just some guy at a club - but ever since the first games of the season, girls in Montreal recognize him when he goes out with the team. Girls, Hayden has learned, expect things from hockey players.

That’s the wild thing. They expect him to be a complete asshole, and they still want to fuck him. Want him to want to fuck them. They’re very direct about it, too. Sometimes, they ask. Do you want to come back to mine later? A goal like that deserves a blowjob, don’t you think? A few weeks ago, a girl recognized him after an away game in New York. She asked if she could try the room service breakfast in his hotel room. Hayden still hasn’t quite recovered from that.

His teammates think it's weird that Hayden doesn’t hook up. Doesn’t want to hook up. There are other young, single guys on the team that don’t get nearly as many opportunities as Shane and Hayden do. They say it’s because they’re less attractive, but Hayden secretly wonders if the girls can smell how some of these guys talk about women behind closed doors. It’s not pretty. The things they’re increasingly saying about Hayden the longer he doesn’t take anyone up on their offer also aren’t pretty. Right now, they’re just questions. But Hayden is aware, hollowly and with rising worry, that questions could turn into accusations at any moment.

It’s been his saving grace that Shane also doesn't hook up. That, the first time someone had asked, Shane who is usually nervous about and embarrassed by everything, had been indignant. You seriously want me to waste energy on sex right now?, he’d asked. Our power play is still a mess. That's where my energy should go. Their teammates laid off after that. For both of them. And they never started again for Shane, not really. They just shifted their chirping to Hollander and hockey are in a monogamous relationship and neither of them is putting out. 

Maybe that’s true. Maybe Shane just cares about hockey so much that there simply isn’t any space in his brain for relationships or even quick hookups. But Hayden is different. He wants sex, at least he thinks he does. Broadly, the concept is appealing to him. He just doesn’t really know how to approach it, and he thinks the guys can tell. They’re being assholes about it. And they’re not the only ones.

So now, Hayden is standing in a dark corner, far away from the dance floor, and asking himself: Wait... am I gay? The question evokes an instinctive shudder in him, because as much as he knows there’s nothing wrong with being gay on a moral level, it would be really bad for Hayden to be gay. As in: It wouldn’t be good for him. Circumstances wouldn’t be kind. But for once, Hayden clenches his jaw and forces himself to really think about it. Is he gay?

He likes girls. He’s attracted to girls. He jerks off to girls, to the point where he often prefers it if there are no dudes in the porn he watches because he doesn’t like how rough they can get without warning. Surely, that has to count for something. That has to automatically mean he isn’t gay, right? He just... hasn’t gotten to the part where he has sex. It’s fine. In sex ed, the teachers always used to say it’s different for everyone. Maybe Hayden is just a late bloomer.

The one time he thought about kissing a dude, it was born out of scientific curiosity. Like, would it feel different? Because Hayden knows gay dudes exist, and they kiss each other, so surely there must be something about it that’s good. But in the five minutes he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out what that was. There’s nothing about any guy he’s ever met that made Hayden want to kiss him, never mind do anything else.

So no, Hayden isn’t gay. What he is, though, is mad. Who does that girl think she is? That she has some sort of right to him? That she’s so attractive the only reason to reject her would be to not experience attraction towards women at all? How conceited. And to ask that question of a professional athlete, in a club where anyone could hear... Fuck her. Except, no. She doesn't deserve orgasms.

He’s mad at himself, too. Mad that he let her affect him enough that he started questioning himself. If that’s his first reaction, he really needs to get more confident. Would he even start to ask himself questions if someone did this to Shane? Of course not, Shane isn’t gay!

As soon as the thought, Hayden realizes he’s never asked himself that, either. Wait, could Shane be gay? He shakes his head. This is so far beyond the point. The point is that no is a complete sentence and Hayden needs to stop letting it rattle him when people judge him for not sleeping around. That’s it. It has nothing to do with Shane. Shane, who didn’t even come out with them tonight because he wanted to watch tape before their game against Boston in two days. Monogamous relationship with hockey, and all. 

The next time one of the guys teases him, Hayden rolls his eyes and says: “I guess I’m just not as desperate as you.”

That shuts it up. It also helps that he starts steering the most obviously horny girls towards his least shitty teammates the moment he realizes what’s happening. They appreciate that, and they don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

And then, the week after they drop out of the playoffs, they go out once again. It’s the end of the season for them, so even Shane is there. Awkward as ever, ginger ale in hand, dodging phone numbers and requests to dance. When Hayden comes back from the bar with another beer, ready to rejoin him in their unofficial debrief, there’s a girl standing next to him. She’s a respectable distance away, not trying to touch him. Shane is smiling, and that alone is enough to almost make Hayden turn around on his heel. The only reason he doesn’t is that Shane sees him and waves.

Her name is Jackie. She’s got a bunch of little brothers who play hockey, at least one of whom desperately wants to go pro. Apparently, she tried talking Shane into giving her a list of reasons why that is a bad idea. Hayden is almost relieved, because if she doesn’t know that Shane would never do that, she must not be a huge Metros fan. Still, she can easily keep up with their conversation.

Jackie prefers silly dancing over sexy dancing, Hayden discovers when she drags him out onto the dance floor after he’s drained his beer. She can moonwalk and hammerdance and will try to do the macarena to any beat she might even remotely think works for it. When she loses herself in the music, doing some sort of bizarre dance that looks like it belongs in a nature documentary, she raises her head like she’s sunning herself in the flickering disco lights. It’s the most beautiful thing Hayden has ever seen.

She doesn’t ask to go home with him, she just asks for his number and texts him immediately. After that, they’re in constant contact. They meet again three days later, and then again after a week. But it still takes them a month until they have their first kiss. Jackie doesn’t seem to mind. When he worriedly brings up sex, she just laughs and says they’ll go at their own pace and she’s not worried. It takes a while, but Hayden believes her. Jackie is incredibly chill about everything. It’s easy for him to let his guard down around her. 

He lets his guard down so much that he doesn’t think about it again until he’s already got his hand halfway under her shirt, only four months after they met. As soon as he realizes what he’s doing, he freezes.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah. It’s good. Please continue.” Jackie shifts, her weight a tantalizing pressure across his thighs.

“Is it okay if we... don’t do much more than this?” Because now, Hayden has freaked himself out. The only reason it got this far is because he wasn’t thinking, and that kind of scares him. Who doesn’t notice something like that? These things should be talked about before they happen!

“Of course, Hayden.” Jackie scoots back a tiny bit so she can look into his eyes. “I want this. I want you. You don’t need to worry about it. We’ll just do whatever feels right.”

It hits her then that he loves her. Of course he loves her. She knows just what to say. Knows the difference between what feels right and what feels good. Because there are a whole host of things that would probably feel good, but that Hayden still doesn’t feel ready for. Nevermind the fact that he doesn’t have any condoms.

“Can I just, maybe... touch you? And we don’t worry about me?”

Jackie’s smile is blinding. “If you want.”

Suddenly, Hayden wants it more than he’s ever wanted anything else.

Chapter 2

Chapter Notes

Next up: Shane is sad, but it's okay, because of course he'll find a girlfriend! What woman wouldn't love to be with him?

The second time Hayen asks himself that question, it feels more justified and also more shitty. It happens like this: Hayden gets engaged. Ever since he met Jackie, he had an inkling that she was the one. But now that they’ve known each other for a year, he thinks he’s sure enough. So he proposes. And Jackie hugs him so enthusiastically that they both topple over and forget for a few minutes that she hasn’t even said yes yet.

When he tells the guys in the locker room before a game, it goes quiet for a bit. Hayden was expecting that. He’s only just turned twenty. Hockey players get married young, but twenty is young young. So when the room gets loud again, busy with questions if he’s sure he's not crazy religious, or if she’s baby-trapping him, he expected that too. He wasn’t expecting Shane to stay quiet.

Before the game is one thing. Maybe he just didn’t appreciate the distraction. Shane gets weird about things sometimes, things that would ordinarily be completely fine, if they get too close to hockey. So Hayden tells himself it’s nothing, gets out on the ice, and plays his best game. Which is a pretty good game, this time around. One goal and two assists to Shane’s own goals. But then, he asks Shane if he wants to come over for dinner with him and Jackie, and Shane begs off. Not like he usually does when he already had something else on his rigid schedule. No, he uses the same tone of voice he does when he lies to their teammates about why he doesn’t want to go out drinking for the second night that week. Stilted and embarrassed.

Jackie tells him it’s nothing. Hayden believes her. Until he repeats the invitation two weeks later and Shane says no again. Makes up something about having to go over a sponsorship contract with his mother. It probably only hits Hayden so hard because he wasn’t expecting it. Not from Shane. Because Shane needs alone-time. More of it than Hayden needs. Sometimes, Hayden is too much for him, and that’s okay. But Shane tells him when that's the case. Says he needs a few quiet hours alone in their shared hotel room, or shoves his shoulder and tells him to fuck off. He doesn’t lie. 

Why is he lying? Jackie just shrugs when he asks her, but Hayden can tell she’s confused too. Shane likes her. They get along famously, to the point of ganging up on Hayden sometimes. When Jackie wanted to surprise Hayden for his birthday, she asked Shane for help without even thinking about it. And Shane helped. Now, Shane is avoiding him. And Hayden is laying awake late, the evening before a game, asking himself what’s wrong.

“I think he’ll probably tell you if you leave him alone for long enough,” Jackie says. “You know how he is.”

Outraged, Hayden turns on his side to face her. “He’s my friend! I’m getting married, he should be happy for me!”

“Exactly. But friendship goes both ways, Hayden.” Jackie huffs. “You’re hurt, I get that. But don’t you think he’d be happy for you if he could?”

Hayden doesn’t know what to say to that, so it’s the end of the conversation. It eats at him the entire next day, badly enough to affect his game. Which is when he decides that this has gone on long enough. Shane seems to sense trouble on the horizon, because he gets out of his gear and into the showers in record time. But Hayden is nothing if not determined. If he can’t catch Shane at the arena, he’ll just follow him home.

When he announces himself at the door, the intercom just transmits static for a second. Then: “Hayden? What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’m here to talk. You can’t keep running away from me, you fucker. I was distracted the entire game!”

It’s a bit manipulative, but Hayden doesn’t feel too bad about it. If this was any other friend, he would say how shitty he felt being lied to like this, because he knows they wouldn’t want that. But this is Shane, and Hayden still doesn’t know how far his emotional spectrum stretches to include normal people things. So he makes it about hockey, because Shane Hollander definitely cares about hockey.

“Fuck, okay. Come up.”

Shane’s apartment is still kind of echo-y. They talked about it the last time Hayden visited. Yuna had told him he needed more fabric in there. Rugs and pillows and curtains to swallow the sound. But there are so many options that Shane got overwhelmed, so he’s thinking about hiring a designer. Obviously, Hayden thinks as he toes off his shoes in the cavernous hallway, he hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

Whatever is going on, it must be bad. Because Shane is reeling off the script he only uses for new guests. There are slippers in that basket, if Hayden gets cold feet. Does he want a drink? There are coke, ginger ale and a light beer in the fridge. He can make snacks, if Hayden wants. Veggie sticks and hummus? It’s heartbreaking. Shane is treating him like a stranger and it makes Hayden wary of sitting on his couch without an explicit invitation. 

“You’ve been ignoring me, buddy,” he says, awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. “What gives?”

“I haven't.”

“Yeah, you kinda have. You barely talk to me off the ice, you don’t reply to my text messages, and when I ask you over, you lie to get out of it.” Hayden raises a finger each as he rattles off the points. “Textbook avoidance. Jackie agrees. And I gotta say, it feels pretty shitty. I thought we knew each other better than that. If you need space, you can just say that. You’ve done that before. This isn’t like you.”

Across the room, where he's hovering next to the fridge, Shane looks miserable. “Is there any chance that you’ll let this go if I promise you that it’s not about you?”

And that is the moment that Hayden realizes the only thing that changed between them is that Shane found out Hayden was going to get married. Things weren’t weird before that. What happened is: Shane found out that Hayden got engaged to Jackie and pretty much immediately stopped all meaningful communication. Not about you.

What if that’s a lie, too? What if it is about Hayden? What if Shane - abruptly, Hayden’s stomach roils. Could he have missed something this big? Could his friend have been in love with him, and in pain because of it, and Hayden only noticed once he delivered the ultimate proof that they were never going to be a thing?

He sits down heavily enough that the wooden feet of the couch squeak across the expensive stone floor. Fuck. He’s being conceited, right? This is just his ego. His mind is playing tricks on him, pretending that this is even an option. Of course it’s not an option. Except... maybe all of the jokes about how obsessed Shane is with hockey have been a convenient thing to hide behind. Because while Hayden found Jackie, he still hasn’t ever even seen Shane kiss a woman. So, maybe... maybe he could be gay? It wouldn’t be completely impossible. People are just gay sometimes. Statistics alone means there have to be gay hockey players. 

“I think I’m gonna need you to explain, bud,” he croaks. 

Shane winces, then walks over to the couch to join Hayden. He sits down normally, in a way that’s better for his furniture than whatever the hell Hayden did. And he visibly steels himself.

“I want what you have. And I don’t think I’ll ever get to have it, and that makes me sad. Okay? Can we just - I know I’m pathetic. We really don’t have to drag this out.”

“You’re not pathetic,” Hayden says out of pure reflex. The rest of Shane’s words take a bit longer to catch up to him. “What do you mean, what I have? You want... Jackie?”

Shane rears back. “No, of course not! Jeeze, Hayden. No. You don’t need to worry about that.”

It feels counterproductive to point out that Hayden wasn’t worried. Still isn’t. Shane and Jackie act like siblings. Even if Shane told him he wanted her, Hayden doesn’t think he’d manage to believe it. He lets the silence go on until Shane feels ready to speak again.

“I want... something like what you guys have. A real relationship, someone I can depend on. You love each other so much that sometimes, it hurts to look, you know? And I just don’t think that’s in the cards for me. You know me, you know how I get. Who do you think would want this?”

Again, Hayden’s heart breaks a little. “Someone who knows you. Because I do know you, and I happen to think you're pretty neat. You just have to find your Jackie. Someone who’ll get to know you first. All of the... I know hookup culture is difficult. Especially if you don't want to hook up. But there’s a girl out there for you, I just know it. You’re an amazing dude. You’re respectful and kind, and you remember the smallest details, so you give the best presents. And you’re kinda handsome, I think? For a guy."

That, at least, gets him a small chuckle. “Oh, you think?”

“I mean, I don’t think they put you on the posters for nothing. That ad for those watches was sleek. You almost looked like James Bond!”

Shane’s face is bright red now, but at least he’s not so tense anymore. “You know I don’t like the kind of attention that gets me.”

“Yeah, I know. Just wanted to put it out there.” God, the longer he thinks about it, the sadder it gets. “I really think you’ll find someone. You’re such a cool dude. A bit difficult to get to know, maybe, but the right person is gonna try. Maybe in spite of it, maybe because  of it. You’re a catch, man. No way someone like you is gonna end up alone.”

The way Shane squeezes his eyes shut makes it look like he's in pain. “My circumstances are different, though. I mean, I-”

Hayden makes an obnoxious buzzer sound. “Eeeeh. Wrong. Look, I understand the pessimism. I’ve felt it myself. And you can wallow a bit, as long as you get over yourself before any of the best man duties start. But I just want to put it on the record that I think you’re wrong, and when I tell this story at your wedding, the room is going to be full of people to tell you you were being ridiculous. Okay?”

There’s a suspicious sheen in Shane’s eyes, and for a minute, Hayden worries that he’s going to have to figure out how to deal with a crying Shane Hollander. But then, Shane tilts his head.

“Wait, best man duties?”

Oops.

Chapter 3

Chapter Notes

Jackie discovers she’s pregnant on their first wedding anniversary. It’s kind of an accident and kind of not. They’ve stopped with the condoms because a baby wouldn’t be a complete catastrophe anymore, and also they keep running out because they can’t keep their hands off each other. So there. And Jackie did technically stop her hormonal birth control. But only because every friend she talked to said it would take her months to conceive after that, and they were kinda shooting for an off-season baby. Now, the projected due date is right in the playoffs. Apparently, they’re more fertile than they thought.

“But like, how far are you even going to get in the playoffs?” Jackie asks when they get home from the gynecologist.

Hayden shushes her, because he’s expected to. Then, he thinks. It’s almost a sure thing they’ll make the playoffs, now. They work well as a team, and Shane works even harder. Their top scorer. He’ll be captain as soon as their old one retires, Hayden is sure of it. 

“It really depends. But I think we’ll be able to put up a good fight this time. Shane is, like, super focused.”

Jackie hums. “Well, then you just need to trip him if you get too close. Because if you miss their birth because of some stupid fucking hockey game, I will be big mad. Don’t make me give birth to twins alone, Hayden. That would be cruel.”

Twins. Because of course they couldn’t have it any easier the first time around. Twins run in Jackie’s family. Her mother had two sets of them. Hayden didn’t know that could be genetic. Stupid of him, really, not to ask. He feels desperately unprepared.

“If I do that, he’ll never forgive me.”

“Well, then you better tell him fast so he can get used to the idea. He’ll need to know anyways, to keep you from being reckless. If you get injured before I give birth, I swear to God I’ll kill you myself.”

Just the thought of breaking an arm or a leg and not being able to lift even one of his children scares the shit out of Hayden. The only time he ever got hurt anywhere near as badly, he was fourteen years old. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. He wonders how the probabilities shake out. If him not having had any major injuries the seasons before makes it more likely that something happens this season. Hayden has never been reckless on the ice, but he’s also never tried to play careful before. God, that’ll mess with his head.

He’s a bit scared to tell Shane right away, after what happened last time. While he believes Shane when he says he’s okay, he also remembers finding him wiping away tears in the bathroom at his reception. Sometimes, when he’s over for dinner, it’s like he goes away in his head. Something is going on. And Hayden doesn’t want to trigger it with one of his milestones. At least not completely without warning.

Subtlety is lost on Shane, so the next time they hang out, Hayden just asks him if he wants children. Predictably, Shane starts coughing.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Hayden shrugs. “I was just thinking. Jackie and I want them, and I realized the two of us never talked about it. So. I thought I’d ask.”

“Right. Well - um.” Shane blinks. “I think I do. It’s... I want a family. I think, with the right partner, I’d like that very much. But I don’t think about it a lot. No use. Can’t do it alone, right?W

And there’s the hurt again. Stretching around Shane’s mouth, burrowing in the little crinkles around his eyes. He’s not looking at Hayden, instead staring at the water glass he’s holding with both hands. Something twists deep in Hayden’s stomach. 

“You’ll find someone.”

“You don’t know that.” Shane’s voice is empty of all emotion.

“I do, actually. And, like - I mean, I’ve been trying not to meddle. But if you wanted, we could set you up on a few dates. Jackie has a group of really awesome friends, and she meets a lot of people at work. If you tell us what you’re looking for, we can see if we know someone who fits?”

“You want me to have kids with one of Jackie’s friends?” Shane asks.

Hayden frowns. Why does he make it sound like that’s such a horrible idea? “Hey, why not? They’re cool girls! Sporty, confident... And then, our kids could grow up together. It’d be like a built-in friend group. They’d basically be cousins.”

“I’m not having children with some random woman, Hayden!”

Shane’s voice is so sharp that Hayden jumps. And his face... God, his face. Hayden doesn’t think he’s ever seen that mixture of indignation and pain. On anyone. On Shane, though, it’s particularly devastating. Fuck. Maybe this was an even worse idea than he thought. He wants to abandon the topic altogether, but he can’t. The twins don’t care about Shane’s feelings, they’re coming either way. Gotta lay the groundwork for that conversation. That’s  what this was supposed to be about. So Hayden tries to backtrack.

“Alright, I’m sorry. That was a stupid idea. No setting you up with anyone. I won’t ask again, okay?”

From the side, Hayden can see Shane’s jaw flexing, but his friend doesn’t say anything. Just keeps breathing, deep and regular. Hayden licks his lips. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

Shane sighs explosively, then buries his head in his hands. “No, I’m sorry. You’re just having a normal conversation and I’m blowing up on you. That’s not cool. Just because I have issues…”

“It’s okay to have issues,” Hayden hurries to reassure him. “I just don’t really understand why. But we’ve talked about that already. No need to rehash it. Unless you want reassurance! Because I can totally tell you how great you are any time you want.”

Shane huffs a laugh. “Thanks. But maybe - okay, this is all I’m going to say about it. And you can’t ask any questions. But I maybe have some additional issues? That I’m not talking about? That would make the whole thing with family and kids more difficult?”

His voice is high at the end, high and tense. His hands are wound so tightly around his glass of water that his knuckles are white. Hayden is honestly impressed at how well the thing is holding up. There’s nothing about Shane that doesn’t scream tension right now. It’s not the glass that breaks first, though. That honor goes to Hayden.

He very carefully breathes in through his nose and out through his mouth. Asks himself in the privacy of his own head if Shane is trying to say that he’s gay or that he’s sick. Decides it’s none of his business unless Shane wants it to be. Tries to get himself together for a neutral reaction.

“Okay. I won’t ask questions, I promise. But I just want to state this on the record, okay? One: You can tell me anything. There is nothing you could say that would make me like you any less. And two: If you need help with anything at all, tell me and I’ll do it, alright? I meant it, earlier. You’re like a brother to me. Kids or no, family sticks together. I’m here for you.”

When Shane chokes on a laugh, it sounds suspiciously wet. “Fuck, Hayden. Really?”

“Of course. I love you, man.”

He’ll worry, later, that it was those words that really made Shane cry. He hasn’t said them before, but he really didn’t think that there was any way Shane didn’t know. Hayden knows Shane loves him. He doesn’t need to hear the words to know. But if he did hear them, they certainly wouldn’t make him cry.

Carefully, he tests the waters by putting a hand on Shane’s shoulder. When Shane leans in, Hayden slowly scoots closer until their sides are pressed together and he can wrap an arm around Shane to draw him into an awkward side hug. Shane, for once, doesn’t care about the awkwardness. Or maybe he decides to lean into it, by leaning his head against Hayden’s shoulder and crying into his t-shirt. 

Hayden keeps his promise of not asking any questions. But he expands his panic research about pregnancy to include the symptoms of any life-threatening illness or other health condition he can find. Just in case, so he can recognize an emergency if Shane ever has one. And he resolves to never again assume that any potential partner of Shane’s could be a woman. Between the pregnancy and the appearance of Boston Lily, it soon feels irrelevant anyway.

Chapter End Notes

Next up: Shane and Hayden talk about putting things in butts.

Chapter 4

Chapter Notes

Content warning: Difficult birth and the psychological aftermath. Nothing terribly detailed, though. If you want to skip the birth part, just skip the first few paragraphs.

Childbirth turns out to be even scarier than Hayden thought it was. It’s one thing to be vaguely aware that some women die giving birth. It’s completely different to be standing at the head of Jackie’s bed in an OR in the best hospital in the area, waiting for the nurses to finish wrapping up their second daughter after a planned c-section, and to hear the doctor say: “Fuck, she’s hemmoraging.”

Hayden spends the first three days of his daughter’s lives in constant fear. Fear that he’s not doing it right. That he’s holding them wrong, feeding them wrong, changing their diapers wrong. His mother in law helps, but every time Hayden looks at her, he’s reminded that giving birth to his children almost killed her daughter. That Jackie is still under intense observation because things could turn on a dime. It was something to do with her placenta, they said. Hayden was too terrified to understand at that point. Now, he’s too tired.

It all turns out okay. Those first three days are scary, but Jackie improves steadily. She even gets told, before they even leave the hospital, that she can probably have more children without this happening again. As if Hayden would risk that. No child will ever be worth his soulmate. If keeping her meant never touching her again, he’d swear a vow of celibacy on the spot.

The only upside of any of this is that Jackie wasn’t really traumatized too badly. She lost consciousness pretty much as soon as she started bleeding. Something about blood pressure. The downside of that is that she keeps making jokes. 

“I know you’re raring to go, but the doctor says you have to wait at least another month to fuck me,” she says when he tiredly kisses her on the side of the head after handing off a freshly-diapered Ruby.

“You should take a shower,” she tells him after Jade throws up on him a second time within the hour. “And jerk off, maybe. God knows you need it.”

It feels like a knife twisting in his side every time she says something like this. Every time she implies he should want sex, even though he knows what it could do to her now. Rationally, he knows that’s not what’s happening. She’s just kidding around, because he could never stay off of her for too long, even late in pregnancy. But it feels like being accused of high treason, and it makes him sick to his stomach.

He tries to tough it out, at first. Just because he’s suffering doesn’t mean Jackie has to. Her body is still healing. She’s the one who almost died, for God’s sake. What if he tells her about this and it re-contextualises everything? He doesn’t want to be the reason Jackie discovers she’s scared after all. 

But Jackie can tell he’s hiding something, and under the strain of caring for two demanding infants who love to cry each other awake, her patience only lasts for so long. She listens to him attentively, as she always does. And then, she says: “Okay, but you know you didn’t do this, right?”

Hayden nods, and it feels like a lie. But things are better after that. For a while, at least. Until Jackie’s gynecologist declares her cleared for sex and Jackie decides she’d really like to work off the stress of the last two months by getting railed into next Tuesday, thank you very much.

He can’t even get it up. Not the first time, not the second, and not the third. He’d happily eat her out for hours, and he uses his fingers and toys they’ve had for years but never really used because they were always too busy with each other to get to them. And that’s fine and dandy, Jackie isn’t complaining about that. But he can see the way her face falls when she goes to return the favor and the chub he worked up over getting her off disappears again.

“You know, there are things we can try that you don’t need to be hard for,” she says when they’re lounging on the couch one evening.

“What? Jackie, I’m pretty sure the erection is important.”

“It is.” She squeezes his biceps. “But did you know you have a prostate?”

Which is how he finds himself flat on his back one Sunday afternoon with his wife’s finger up his ass, four months after the twins were born, staring up at the ceiling and wondering what’s wrong. It feels weird. Not bad, but definitely not like sex. Not like it looked in the one porn he managed to watch about this before freaking out. That guy had been enjoying the hell out of this. So what gives? Is it just something about Hayden that he can’t enjoy this? Or is it because Jackie doesn’t know what she’s doing? This is the first thing they’ve done that’s completely new to both of them.

“I don’t think you’ve found it yet,” he says in a strained voice.

Jackie kisses his limp dick and moves her finger until something sparks. Hayden almost jackknifes off the bed. Immediately, Jackie stops moving.

“Good or bad?” she asks.

“I don't know.” Hayden feels hot all of a sudden. His heart is beating way too quickly. “I don’t... that wasn’t bad. But I’m uncomfortable now.”

Admitting it feels like failure, but Jackie doesn’t treat it as such. She just withdraws her finger, wipes it off, and crawls up the bed to cuddle him. Later, she holds her vibrator against his dick until he screams. It takes a bit of working out, but they discover that he can stay hard if she just holds him and doesn’t make him look, doesn’t do anything that makes him think she might be looking. The orgasm feels painful, like someone ripped it out of him.

There’s only one person in his life who Hayden feels comfortable talking to about this. If it felt any less urgent, he wouldn’t inflict this upon either one of them, because he already knows Shane will die a thousand deaths if he brings it up. But he so desperately needs to be okay about this that he decides he at least needs to try.

“Have you ever, you know, tried the back door?” he asks the next time he’s over at Shane’s. It’s one of the rare occasions that Shane has decided it’s okay for him to drink, and halle-fucking-llujah. Hayden is already three beers deep. He hasn’t had this much alcohol since the twins were born.

Shane blinks at him. “You know I hate the front door in this building. Back door is much more convenient. Close to the parking lot, no one sees me, you know.”

“No, I mean…” Hayden gestures. “Fuck. I’m talking about anal, okay? But not, like, for Jackie.”

“Not for Jackie?” The confusion in Shane’s voice would be funnier if it wasn’t so fucking inconvenient. Hayden takes a deep breath. Jesus, he’s an adult. He can do this.

“Jackie wants to stick things up my ass. To see if it could be good. But the one time we tried, it was really weird. So I was wondering if you - I don’t know, if you have any pointers, maybe?”

Shane, against all expectations, doesn’t go red. He goes white. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Because you’re the only guy I know who won’t make fun of me for this!” Hayden says. “I know you don’t like talking about sex. And it’s okay if you really don’t want to talk about this, I’ll deal. But I’m... I’m having some issues, and I just wanted to know if - you know, if you had any wisdom to impart.”

“Issues? What issues could you have that would lead you to anal sex?”

Hayden hangs his head. “I can’t really get it up anymore. You know, because somewhere in my head, I got it twisted around that sex means babies, and babies mean Jackie dies. So. You may be able to understand that that doesn’t make me hard.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. That sounds difficult.” Shane’s eyes are doing that thing where they’re skipping all over the place, on Hayden’s face and out the window, the beer bottle in his hands and then Hayden again. Like he’s trying to decide something. Hayden takes that particular moment to realize why else Shane might have thought Hayden was asking him. Then, he takes a deep breath. Too late now.

“Do you have a specific question?” Shane finally asks. “Or is this just a general inquiry.”

Inquiry. Hayden mouths the word to himself. Who uses the word inquiry in a conversation about butt stuff? Shane motherfucking Hollander, apparently, who still looks like he might vibrate out of his skin any minute now. The smile he gives Hayden is probably meant to be reassuring. It really isn’t. Why on earth did he think this was a good idea?

“I don’t really know,” he says. “It just... it felt really weird, so we stopped. I don’t know. I don’t even know where to go from there. Like, does that mean I didn’t like it or does it just mean I freaked out? I have no idea about any of this and I don’t think I googled the right questions.”

“And what-” Shane pinches the bridge of his nose. “What did you try? Exactly?”

“Just a finger.” Jesus Christ, this is almost worse than when he got the talk from his mom and she made him ask all of the questions he had about sex. Hayden’s face feels like it’s on fire.

“Just a finger? No lube?”

“No, of course we used lube. Just... nothing else.”

“And it felt weird. Weird how?” Shane asks. He’s got his game face on now, all furrowed concentration. “Weird, like it was wrong? Because it’s alright if it was, Hayd. It’s not for everyone. You don’t need to like something just because Jackie wants to try it.”

It’s at that point that Hayden has two realizations in very short succession. One: Of course, Shane’s intensity on the ice would translate to talking about sex. It’s weirdly relaxing, actually, to feel this vulnerable discussion treated like a debrief. And two: Shane actually knows about this. Like, he knows. That’s what this quiet confidence means. If Shane had no idea, he’d say that first. He might still try to help Hayden figure this out, but it would be under the caveat that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Holy shit. Maybe that’s why his friend doesn’t talk about Boston Lily. Could it be that she’s a bit freaky?

“I don’t know.” The question automatically takes Hayden back, and he squirms uncomfortably. “It was just... new. I didn’t know what to think. And then we stopped.”

“Because you got scared?”

“Maybe a bit.” That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? He’s a grown man. He plays a high-impact sport where people regularly get concussions and break their bones. He’s not, in other words, the kind of person who should be scared of his own ass.

“That’s alright,” Shane says mildly. “It can be a lot at first.”

He’s not looking at Hayden. And maybe that’s a good thing, because Hayden honestly has no idea what his face is doing right now. That’s basically confirmation. Not only that Shane’s done this before, but that he’s done it often enough that he can distinguish between at first and later. He doesn’t even look particularly embarrassed, save for the slight blush dusted high on his cheekbones.

How on earth Shane Hollander, hockey robot and perpetually single, has managed to land a girl who regularly wants to put things in his butt is a bit beyond Hayden. Or - well. Not that she wants him. Shane is a catch. That he wants her, on the other hand... Hayden would never have assumed that Shane was even the slightest bit kinky. But there’s a thing they say about assumption making asses out of people, isn’t there?

“So what?” Hayden says. “We just try again and hope I don’t freak out this time? Do some deep breathing first?”

Shane shrugs. “You could. Or you could try from the outside.”

The - what? Nothing about that sentence makes sense to Hayden. But he spends so long trying to work out how to ask a question that won’t make him look like a complete tool that Shane catches on and sighs.

“The prostate can be reached through the taint. By pressing on it. So you could try to figure out if you like the feeling without messing with penetration. And if you like it, you’ll probably be less nervous about the penetration the next time.”

Penetration. That’s one of those words he never thought he’d hear Shane say out loud. Hayden can only gape. “Pressing on it?”

“With, like, fingers. Or toys. If you have a vibrator, that could work.”

“And that feels the same?”

That’s the question that finally gets Shane to look at Hayden. And then immediately look away again, flushing wildly and biting his lip. Too personal? Hayden desperately wants to ask, but he doesn’t want to risk spooking Shane and making him clam up.

“It doesn’t,” Shane says finally. There’s a tension in his voice that wasn’t there before. “They’re two different things, the penetration and the prostate stimulation. They add to each other. And it feels different from... from the inside. Also depends on how intense the penetration is. My point is if you don’t like it from the outside, I don’t think you need to try anything else. Maybe you just don’t like it.”

“Intense how?” Hayden asks before he can stop himself. As a treat, he gets to watch Shane’s ears go even redder. He didn’t think that was possible.

 “Intense like three fingers are more than one. And there’s other things.”

There’s the evasiveness again. Shane is embarrassed. God, this is such a weird experience. In any other situation, Hayden would be dancing around in delight, trying to figure out if there was a way he could make Shane blush even harder. But this... he’s so incredibly thankful. Shane is really fucking private, and he’s still talking about it. To help Hayden with something that he doesn’t even usually let him talk about if he can help it. It’s deeply humbling.

“Other things? I don’t think most toys are bigger than three fingers.”

The look on Shane’s face as soon as those words have left Hayden’s mouth can only mean one thing: you are so wrong. But that’s not what Shane says, presumably because Shane has tact. And also maybe because it would be incriminating. Instead, he tilts his head and says: “They get deeper, though.”

The words shoot through Hayden like a lightning bolt. Deeper. Oh. Immediately, he can see the appeal. And he can hear, in the slight smugness of Shane’s voice, that Shane is intimately acquainted with said appeal. Fucking hell.

Deeper feels different, somehow. A lot more sexual than penetration or taint. Like it’s more. More gay, maybe, whispers a mean voice in the back of Hayden's head. It sounds like what gay guys like. Getting fucked. 

For just a split second, old questions return. Is Shane gay? Is that why he knows so much about this? As soon as he notices what he's doing, Hayden is disgusted with himself. Fuck. He honestly thought he was better than this. He needs to be better than this. What if one of his daughters turns out to be gay and he manages to give her a complex by jumping to all the wrong conclusions her entire childhood? He’ll never forgive himself.

Of course, Shane isn’t gay. Shane has a girlfriend. And okay, maybe Boston Lily is a bit more freaky than Hayden would have expected of Shane, but that’s alright. Shane is an adult. If he’s into pegging and all of that other stuff that there’s a bunch of porn about that Hayden’s been too much of a coward to watch - more power to him. Clearly, he’s more modern and open than Hayden is. It’s always the quiet ones, right?

“Okay,” Hayden says. His voice feels a bit shaky, but the word comes out firm. “I’ll, um... I’ll look that up?”

“You okay?”

He shakes himself, makes a silly noise to see if he can get Shane to smile. It works. “I’m fine. Just done with the subject, I think. I know you don’t like how much I talk about sex sometimes, but this was a lot for me. Thank you for, you know, helping.”

Scooting closer on the couch, Shane bumps their shoulders together. “Hey, what are friends for?”

It feels like such an absurd thing to say under the circumstances that Hayden laughs out loud. He has plenty of friends. Close friends, even. Guys he would call if he needed to do a surprise trip to IKEA or if he needed a loan or a lawyer, maybe. No one else he could talk to about this, though. Not a single one he’d be confident would stay this sincere the entire conversation and make himself vulnerable to help him. That’s all Shane.

“Well, you’re a good friend. Thank you for talking to me.” He wonders if he should specifically mention that it must have been a lot for Shane, but decides against it. It wouldn’t serve either of them to make Shane self-conscious now, when they’ve managed to escape their conversation unscathed. “It means a lot that you didn’t chirp me about this.”

“I would never.” Shane’s eyes are dark and huge. “Seriously. I would never make fun of you for something like this. Even if it’s maybe a little bit different. So if you ever have any other questions, you can always ask me. I won’t promise to have answers for you. But if you want, we can look for them together?”

Goddamn it. Things had been going so well, and now Hayden is pushing his thumbs into his eyesockets to ward off the burning beneath his eyelids. Why does Shane always have to be so earnest? Why is he so good? It should be against the law for a hockey player to be this fucking nice. Hayden says as much.

Shane just barks a laugh. “Love you too, man. You want another beer?”

"Please."

Three days later sees the first time Hayden says a man’s name in bed because Jackie presses a vibrator into his taint and he sees stars. 

“Holy shit, Shane was right.”

Jackie laughs, bright and clear. “Yes. All hail Shane Hollander, knower of prostates and bringer of erections.”

Hayden sputters. “Don’t make it weird, baby.”

But she’s right. He’s hard. And he stays hard when she takes him in her mouth, still overwhelmed with the buzzing of the toy and the strange new sensation of wanting a more he doesn’t quite know yet. When they lay together afterwards, sweaty and satisfied, he sends his thanks to Boston Lily out into the ether. He doesn’t even know her and he feels like he owes her already. She must be one hell of a woman.

Chapter End Notes

Next up: Hayden is forced into therapy and a dinosaur comes out of the closet.

Chapter 5

Chapter Notes

Arthur is an accident. A Jackie-had-the-flu and birth-control-doesn’t-like-digestive-issues kinda accident. The moment Jackie shows Hayden the positive pregnancy test, he has his first panic attack. They keep coming after that, and Jackie demands he start seeing a therapist. 

Therapy is a mess in the beginning. So much so that Hayden wonders how it could help anyone. The first therapist Hayden tries is a young woman straight out of university who keeps talking about what a miracle childbirth is and that he should appreciate it. Nope. The next therapist is a balding man of about forty years who keeps trying to steer the conversation back to hockey. Fuck that. 

Finally, Jackie finds Karin, a German immigrant of about sixty. In her subtle accent, Karin says things like “well, if you don’t air out your house, you’re going to get depressed at some point” and “a child should have broken at least one bone by the age of six, otherwise they’re not moving enough.” But she comes highly recommended by Jackie’s WAG group, apparently, and she does technically make sense, so Hayden gets over himself.

Her no nonsense attitude and abrasive certainty are a balm to his soul. He can tell her every single one of his worries and she’ll just look at him and go: “Do you want to tell me why that’s irrational or should I say?”

The first few times, he has her do it. Soon, he can do it himself. When he’s spiraling outside of his sessions, he sometimes hears her voice enumerating all of the ways his mind is tricking him right now. It’s a great help. Still, he gets worse closer to the due date. At some point, Karin moves from managing his anxiety to preparing for the time after the birth.

“Nothing you can do about what happens in the hospital. But you need the healthiest possible mind to take care of your children when you take your son home. Three young children are a lot, and Jackie will be healing. You need to pick up the slack. So. How can you set yourself up for success?”

They formulate a strategy. Karin refuses to let him add more than two caveats in case something goes wrong during the birth. Once it’s all written down, Hayden’s mind goes a little quieter. There’s a plan, now. Most of his what if questions now have an answer, printed out in the neatest possible handwriting Hayden could manage.

There are more people in the room this time when Jackie delivers. Just a precaution, the doctors say. It doesn’t actually make Hayden feel better, especially because she’s decided to deliver vaginally and that’s new. But he’s distracted soon enough, providing counter pressure on Jackie’s lower back and ripping apart the entire hospital bag to find out where the hell she put her birthing comb. It all goes much quicker this time. Four hours of labor and they’re holding a little human, scrunched up and furious to have been expelled from the only home he’s ever known.

It takes two weeks for Hayden to stop anticipating a catastrophic turn of events at any moment. Two months for his nervous system to calm down enough that he feels comfortable leaving Jackie alone with the kids for an entire day. Four months for them to start having “normal” sex again. Six months after that until the next positive pregnancy test and the next panic attack. Fuck. Hayden schedules a vasectomy for the next possible date.

Shane makes fun of Hayden when he finds out, which is deserved. But he does also ask if Hayden is okay. And when Hayden tells him Karin has it handled, he asks if that means it’s really okay, or if Hayden is just uncomfortable talking about it. Because he’s Shane, and Shane will always be lovely about things like this. They have a proper heart to heart a week later, scheduled and everything. Shane makes Hayden a weird quinoa bowl, needles him until he’s shared all of his worries and offers to babysit.

There’s less anxiety this time around. With the experience of Arthur’s birth under his belt, Hayden isn’t nearly as convinced that Jackie could die. It also helps that Shane is a lot more present for Hayden during this pregnancy. Even while he’s apparently dating Rose fucking Landry - which, why is he claiming he isn’t, they’ve been papped together multiple times - he takes time to check in with Hayden almost every week. And not just for one question. For whole talks. He sends calendar invites for them. 

On one memorable occasion, Shane even babysits the three kids so Jackie and Hayden can go on a date. Just an evening out at a restaurant, nothing big. But Shane is alone with three under three for over three hours and no one’s even crying when they return. Shane’s fancy new clothes have mystery stains on them and his hair is a disaster. But his smile is relaxed in a way that lets Hayden hope Shane could be a genuine help once the new baby is here.

During a home game three months before the due date, Cliff Marleau plows that hope off its feet and almost cracks it open on the ice. Hayden doesn’t even remember dropping his gloves afterwards, but he does remember the blinding panic he felt when he saw Shane’s crumpled body on the ice, unmoving. Remembers the burning rage he felt when Coach told him he had to finish the game even though Shane was on his way to the hospital, condition unclear.

They lose the game, and Hayden knows immediately that they can forget about the Stanley Cup that year, but at least they don’t lose Shane. Shane is fine. Shane doped up on painkillers is absolutely fucking hilarious, even if he seems to think it’s great that Rozanov came by for a courtesy visit. He keeps forgetting that he already told Hayden about it, so he gets to hear the story again and again. So professional. I swear he’s not that bad. Things only a high person would say about Ilya Rozanov.

Because he’s out for the season, Shane is already at his parents’ home in Ottawa when it becomes clear that the Admirals are set to win the Cup that year. Hayden is delighted. Better the Admirals than the Raiders. Rozanov can suck it, and Hayden would still like to tar and feather Marleau, no matter how many times Shane insists that it wasn't on purpose and the poor guy feels really bad.

This means that, for the first time since they both started playing for the Metros, Shane and Hayden aren’t in the same room for the cup finals. Every time that they haven’t been on the ice, they’ve watched together. Now, Hayden watches with his team. It’s the first time he left the house since they brought Amber home from the hospital. Shane, presumably, is watching with his parents.

The Admirals win, because of course they do. And then Scott Hunter kisses a man on center ice. Hayden isn’t in the room when it happens. The game is already over and he’s been desperate to pee for a while now. When he comes back, the team is in an uproar.

“The fuck kinda bullshit is this?”

“I would never have expected-”

“But Scott Hunter is one of the clean guys! I thought he was married?”

It takes a while until Hayden gets a clear answer out of J.J. “Scott Hunter kissed another dude, man! Like, right there!”

The guys don’t seem quite sure how to feel about it. The only thing they can all agree on is that it was unexpected. That they didn’t think anyone would do that. That they would never have expected Scott Hunter to be macking on dudes.

“Fucking faggot,” Comeau says.

“Hey!” Hayden glares. “He just won the fucking Stanley Cup! Is that how you speak about your betters?”

A day later, the memory of what he said sits wrong with him. He should’ve just said not to use the word. Not to be an asshole. That it’s not a bad thing to be gay. If anyone on the team can say it, it’s him with his many unplanned kids. They know he’s not gay. And they’re scared enough of Jackie’s wrath that they wouldn't try to teasingly imply it if he makes it clear he doesn’t like that type of language.

He had a talk about this with Karin a few weeks ago. About how he can be a good dad to children he doesn’t even really know yet. Who are too young to know themselves. How can he anticipate what they need him to say? Karin had looked at him, unimpressed.

“They need you to not be an asshole. Any kind of asshole.” 

“But how do I show them I’m not? How am I supposed to know what they’ll care about later?”

“You don’t know. That’s why you should try to be a decent human being about everything all of the time.”

Hayden groaned. “Can’t you just tell me the things I can’t say?”

“You’re being lazy,” Karin says. “Start by not being lazy, being a good person takes work. Educate yourself. Not saying the wrong things can be more important than saying the right things. Because you can talk about how you’ll always love them no matter what all day long. If they hear you talk badly about something they identify with, they won’t believe you.”

It made sense, because of course it did. Hayden hated it. Still hates it, now that he has a list of subjects he’s planning to read up on after a night of brainstorming with Jackie. Sexuality, it says right at the top. But also weight/body image and sex positivity and gender and mental health and can children be furries??? 

The point Karin was making in their session seems important now: You never know who’s listening to you or what they remember. Hayden doesn’t want slurs about gay people in his team’s locker room. Especially now that Scott Hunter has proven that there are gay guys in hockey. It’s gonna take work to get the team on board - but Karin did tell him to stop being lazy.

Good thing he has an in with Captain Shane Hollander, noted good guy and lover of all things righteous and morally correct, Hayden thinks. At least he won't have to do this alone. Shane’s never been one for grandstanding in the locker room, but that’s alright. Hayden can do the grandstanding. He just needs Shane to back him up if someone gets fresh about wanting to continue using his favorite slurs.

They schedule a call, because Shane is allowed to do those again. He’s so much better that he’s at his cottage now, out from under his mother’s watchful eyes. For a moment, Hayden thinks that’s why the line is dead after he asks his question. Service has always been a bit spotty out there.

“I’m sorry, what?” Shane finally says when Hayden has taken the phone away from his ear to check the call hasn’t dropped completely.

“You don’t need to make an announcement or anything. I just want you to back me up if someone complains. Can you do that?”

“If someone... I’m sorry, you want to prohibit slurs? And you think there’s a chance they might not complain?”

“Well, just because they use these words doesn’t mean they mean them, right? I mean, I’m sure I’ve called someone a cocksucker before, and I don’t think being gay is a bad thing. I’m just an idiot who’s never thought about this before.” Maybe it should make Hayden feel stupid to say it out loud. But it doesn’t. If anything, it’s a relief. An acknowledgement of a mistake he already has a plan to fix. 

On the other end of the line, Shane expels a heavy breath. “I think you’re overestimating them. Hayden, some of these guys are assholes. Just because you don’t hate gay people doesn’t mean they don’t. I’ve never heard you say… that word. But the way they say it definitely sounds hateful.”

Gone is the relief, replaced with a heavy tugging in the pit of Hayden’s stomach. Hateful. Shane didn’t even need to think about that. He just knew, remembered immediately. Hayden wants to think it’s because Shane is a good captain. That it’s because Shane knows his people, looks out for their weak points, things that could be used against them. 

Rose Landry, he tells himself. Shane is dating Rose Landry. He wouldn’t be dating Rose Landry if he was gay. But Shane himself keeps saying they’re just friends. That they’re just hanging out because they bonded over hockey and Rose gets what it means to have to tolerate way too many eyes on you in order to be able to do what you love. But.

What if Shane is telling the truth? What if Rose and Boston Lily, who he also used to say he wasn’t dating, are just convenient smoke screens so no one asks further questions? It feels deeply shitty to even consider the option. But if what Shane is saying is true - and what Shane says is usually true, the guy is compulsively correct at all times - then maybe Shane has a good reason to hide. A reason to believe the truth won’t be well-received. If the truth is that he’s gay.

The fact that Hayden simply cannot remember how frequently he used to use gay slurs suddenly feels like a much darker mark than it previously did. Could it be that besides nebulous, hypothetical rookies and sports fans watching from the sidelines wanting to enjoy a sport without being reminded how horrible the world can be, Hayden has also been failing his best friend? Has he not been safe for Shane in the exact same way that he hopes to one day be safe for his children?

“Hayden?” Shane asks.

Ah, goddamn it. He’s been quiet for too long. Hayden forces himself to laugh. “Well, bully for them. If they have so much fun using slurs, I want them to be angry. We don’t need to all be friends. I don’t want to be friends with bigots.”

“That could be bad for team cohesion, though,” Shane points out.

“And it won’t be my fault. If they get stroppy about this like Ruby does when she can’t drink out of her favorite cup, then maybe they shouldn’t be playing professional hockey. They can go back to mites.”

“Hayden-”

“I’ll say that in public if I have to. If they wanna make a stink about it, I’ll do it right back. See if I care.”

“That would be bad for you too.” Shane sounds slightly strangled.

“It would be worse for a gay guy.” Hayden hears Shane take a sharp breath, but he barrels on. “No, listen. I know there are assholes out there. But that’s precisely why people like me need to speak up, right? If Scott Hunter tries to stop this shit, they’ll call him sensitive or maybe they just call him names twice as often. Because it’ll always be about him, to a degree. If I say something, it’s got nothing to do with me. It’s going to be about playing a clean game. They can try to call me names, but it won’t do anything. Right? I mean - I have four children.”

There’s a shuffling sound on the other end of the line, and then a breath further away, unsteady and slightly hitching. Throat tight all of a sudden, Hayden tries to stop himself from thinking about what that might mean. 

“I have four children now, Shane. I need them to know that their father won’t stand for this kind of bullshit. They deserve better. We all deserve better. Remember what assholes they used to be about it when I didn’t want to hook up with random puck bunnies in clubs? There was some homophobia mixed in with that too, and it sucked, and I’m not even gay.”

A weak chuckle. “Yeah, no one could accuse you of that now.” There’s an undertone to Shane’s voice that Hayden doesn’t quite like, some bitterness mixed in with the sarcasm. But he’ll take it.

“They can say whatever the fuck they want. I don’t care. Taking it up the ass is delightful, actually. If it weren’t so much work, I’d probably be doing it more often. Speaking of…” Hayden bites his lip. “You know, I could see about Jackie convincing the WAG group to experiment a little more. That would be good for team cohesion. Some of the guys are way too uptight. They could use more movement in the hips.”

“Jeeze, Hayden. Is this the slippery slope I’ve been warned about? First, they’ll be asking us to stop using slurs. And before you know it, everyone’ll be ass up, begging for more. Talk about a gay agenda.”

“It’s not gay if it’s a woman with a strapon,” Hayden points out. His face almost hurts with how wide his grin is.

Shane snorts. “And you think they’ll care?”

“I think it’s way past time I stopped giving a shit about the opinions of small-minded people. So. You in? Gonna back me up if one of these jokers throws a tantrum?”

A beat. “Yeah, man. Of course!”

Hayden thinks about that hesitation for the rest of the day. Was he just being a lot in that moment, or was he asking a lot? Jackie, not for the first time, tells him to stop spiraling and wait for Shane to tell him. Which would be cool, except Hayden is beginning to suspect that Shane isn’t going to tell him anything unless forced by circumstances. And that sucks, because all Hayden can do is hug him extra hard the next time he sees him and be supportive every opportunity he gets and just hope for the best. He’d like a bit more certainty than just hope.

Chapter End Notes

I have no idea how realistic it would be for canon Hayden to go on the offensive like this. But THIS Hayden cares, and he has a therapist who doesn't let him get away with his bullshit and puts him to work. I wanna tell Karin she's doing a good job, but she'd just click her tongue and tell me: "That's not a good compliment. Being bad at my job would be unethical."

Next up: Hayden discovers that maybe certainty isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Chapter 6

Chapter Notes

By the start of the season, Shane is back in top form. Relaxed, fit, and with just a tiny bit of a tan. Like he spent more time on the lake this summer, the smug bastard. Meanwhile, Hayden has two under two and twins under four, so he hasn’t slept through the night in months. This morning, he genuinely wondered if he should maybe try out Jackie’s concealer. And Shane is glowing. How dare he.

A week before training camp started, Hayden chickened out. He’d been planning to do a speech in the locker room. But the more he thought about Shane’s words, the more he realized his friend was right - some of these guys are assholes. He doesn’t want to have an in-person confrontation if he can avoid it. So he and Jackie put together a long message to send to the group chat. About swearing in general, but also slurs specifically. About being a good role model to young children and being welcoming to people. Not people who are different, just people.

He didn’t tell Shane what exactly he was planning, or when he was going to do it. Still, Shane is the first to respond. Two hours later. “Sounds good to me. If we dominate in the game, we don’t need to resort to name calling. Looking forward to getting back into it on Monday!” At first, Hayden is confused. What happened? That's not the backup he was expecting. But when he thinks about it, he did basically ask Shane to back him up if any of the guys were unhappy with this. Which hasn’t happened yet.

Several more hours go by. Hayden keeps checking his phone, expecting to have missed the chat going off. But no. There’s nothing. Not until 4 p.m., when Bengt Stedlund gets off the plane back from Sweden. First, he posts a story on Instagram. Then, he writes in the group chat. “Thank you for saying something. I was quite surprised how normal the slurs are here. Everyone told me Canadians were polite!”

Stedlund isn’t a rookie anymore. Next week, he’s starting his third year with the Metros. But Hayden remembers first meeting him, tall as a tree and blond as can be, with eyes so wide he looked perpetually shocked. And maybe he had been. They haven’t really hung out together outside of the group, because Hayden is up to his neck in children, but Stedlund has always seemed like a cool guy. Still, Hayden has complicated feelings about the fact that it’s him saying something and not one of the guys he’s friends with. Those feelings only get more complicated when the guys start piling on.

“Well, sorry for offending your delicate European sensibilities.”

“Thank you? Wimp.”

“Why were you surprised? This is hockey!”

“Polite? Whats next, u asking me to drop the soap?”

That last one is from Comeau, of course. He’s always been weirdly fixated on that joke. If it were just him, Hayden would still want to chuck his phone against the nearest wall. But it isn’t. With each new message that arrives, his stomach clenches further. They start riffing off each other, making jokes about snowflakes and political correctness. Distantly, Hayden is aware that he used to look at chats like this and think it was harmless ribbing. No one’s being outright hateful. But it doesn’t feel harmless anymore. And Hayden has no idea what to say. How to turn this around. So he doesn’t say anything. 

He thought that would be it. The project failed. Or - well, more accurately, the approach failed. Hayden will need to go back and workshop it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? It’s okay if it takes a bit, he just needs to keep going. 

Except Hayden, apparently, is not the only one thinking about this now. After their first practice of the season, Comeau is joking around with their goalie when Stedlund approaches him.

“Are you afraid of me?” Stedlund asks.

Around them, conversation dies. Hayden tugs his shirt off his head to see the Swede close to Comeau’s locker, leaning back against the wall. His face is, at most, mildly curious. Relaxed. Blond hair sticking up wildly, still disheveled from his helmet. He looks somewhere between rumpled and ridiculous. There’s not a single reason to be afraid of him.

“What?” Comeau looks as baffled as Hayden feels.

Stedlund shrugs. “Well, you made a joke the other day that implied I might rape you. So I thought I better ask. If you’re that scared, it might affect your game. That wouldn’t be good.”

“I never said that.”

“Sounded like it. Isn’t that what dropping the soap means?”

“That’s what you’re talking about?” Comeau laughs. “Chill, man. It was just a joke! Don’t they have those in Sweden?”

Stedlund blinks at him lazily, then his eyes cut across to Hayden for a second. “We do. I just thought you sounded really worried and wanted to clear the air. You know, before we get into the shower together. I don’t ever want anyone to be scared of me like that.”

Oh shit, Hayden thinks as he watches Comeau’s head turn roughly the shade of a tomato. This is either going to be really good or really bad. Next to him, Shane tenses up, ready to intervene if it becomes necessary.

Comeau’s laugh is loud and harsh. “Why would I be afraid of you? You’re not a fag!”

“Language!” Hayden says, almost automatically.

Before Comeau can tell him to fuck off, Stedlund’s already gotten his attention back. “So you’re scared of gay people? Why? What’re they going to do, tell you the team colors wash you out?”

That gets a reaction out of everyone. As Comeau sputters, Hayden can hear J.J. cackle on his other side. It’s been a subject between them before, how J.J. is lucky that the stark primary colors and bright white of their uniforms suit him so well, while they make some of their team members look like ghosts. Particularly those of the ginger persuasion, like Comeau.

Drapeau does them all the favor of saying that out loud, and then the locker room devolves into a mess of chirps about pasty asses and flushed faces. Sprinkled among that, by J.J. of all people, are some other nice suggestions of why Comeau could be scared of gay people. Like, they might suggest a better deodorant. Or they might tell Comeau to take his nasty-ass feet to go get a pedicure.

The amused look Stedlund shoots Hayden tells him that this was exactly his goal. Which - why? He’d ask, except Stedlund is already dropping trou, the universal sign for don’t talk to me. Eh. Even if it’s this weird, the saying about gift horses probably applies. What’s way more worrying is the fact that Shane’s shoulders are still about level with his ears.

Stedlund keeps at it. While Hayden ineffectually calls people out on using slurs and Shane silently vibrates next to him, their teammate will get concerned any time someone says something homophobic. He’ll ask questions. Are they scared? Will this affect their game? Do they want to talk to Coach about their concerns? Only when the comments become less and less does Hayden finally realize what Stedlund is doing. Stupid and grateful is a weird combination of things to be feeling at the same time. He resolves to invite Stedlund as well, the next time he and Jackie have Shane over for dinner.

Not today, though, because priorities. Whoever decided their first game of the season was going to be against the Boston Bears needs to go fuck themselves with a rusty nail. At least it’s not an away game. Hayden thinks that’s probably a mercy. Until they lose the first game of the season to Boston on their home turf.

There’s ghostly silence in the locker room. Shane’s jaw is clenched, his eyes flinty. Hayden doesn’t like the look of that. His friend always takes losses in the early season particularly hard, he knows that by now. He doesn’t want him going home alone to catastrophize.

“Hey, you wanna come over? Jackie’s making roast chicken. You can pick the skin off.”

Shane doesn’t react, just stares down at his phone. When Hayden gives him a playful shoulder check, he quickly shuts off the screen. But he’s still not looking up.

“Hey,” Hayden says. “Don’t beat yourself up. You played an awesome game. That goal in the first period was killer. Rozanov didn’t even see you coming.”

Shane had intercepted a pass, quick as oiled lightning. Even Rozanov had been amazed. Hayden was close enough to the guy to hear him laughing. Maybe the things Shane keeps saying about how Rozanov isn’t actually an asshole are true. Maybe he’s just really intense about the game. Hayden doesn’t know what else could explain the Russian’s delight at being surprised like that.

That, at least, brings a small smile to Shane’s face. “Yeah, he really didn’t.”

Across the room, Comeau makes a disgruntled noise. “Didn’t fucking stop him, though, didn’t it? Scored on us twice, almost got a hat trick. Communist cocksucker.”

There’s a dangerous glint in his eye when he looks at Hayden as he says those words. Like he’s daring him to say something now, to pick a fight with him. Unfortunately, Hayden can only gape at him.

Stedlund, still fighting his way out of his padding, is quicker to react. “If sucking cock is what it takes to score a goal, maybe you should try it. Not like you did any better than Shane.”

In the resulting upset, it takes Hayden a while to notice Shane has slipped away without even taking a shower.

Jackie’s roast chicken is delicious, and Hayden feels a little bad he can’t focus on it the way that he should. But Shane isn’t reacting to his texts. He’s sent three now, increasingly concerned, all demanding an answer. Just to really make sure Shane is okay. He isn’t, that much is obvious. But if he’s well enough to lie about being okay, Hayden is willing to let that slide. Which is why the radio silence is doubly concerning.

Once he finally explains to Jackie while drying the dishes, she splashes him. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. He’s probably fine.”

“Probably.” Jackie crosses her wet arms. “But what if he isn’t? Are you going to check on him?”

“You think that’s a good idea?” Hayden asks, already checking if he still has his keys in his pockets.

His wife just looks at him with her soft dark eyes. There are still little bubbles of dish soap clinging to her wrists, dish water leaving dark imprints on her white t-shirt. He wants to reach out and touch her, but this is why she’s the one in their relationship to set priorities. Maybe other things are more important right now.

“Go,” Jackie says. “Check on Shane. You’re never gonna relax otherwise.”

The drive is barely twenty minutes at this time of day. It’s not particularly busy on the roads anymore. Which makes it even stranger that there’s only one free parking space when Hayden arrives. It’s right next to an electric blue Spyder that looks so expensive Hayden takes extra care not to scratch it. Ruby tumbled into an expensive car once, and its owner had been an absolute nightmare to deal with. Hayden doesn’t like car guys.

Ringing the doorbell would only give Shane time to make up excuses, so Hayden uses the code Shane has given him. If he has a key, why not use it? This feels like close enough to an emergency to get away with it.

Although maybe ringing the doorbell would have been useless anyways. When Hayden knocks on the front door to Shane’s apartment, no one answers. The entryway behind that is deathly silent. Maybe Shane isn’t here. Except if he isn’t, where the hell would he be?

That question carries Hayden’s feet further down the hallway and into the living room, where an empty pizza box is sitting on the dining table next to an empty bowl that could have conceivably held one of Shane’s semi-disgusting salad or quinoa creations. Huh. Someone was here. Recently. Shane wouldn’t leave trash lying around, especially not fast food trash.

Then, there’s a noise somewhere further into the apartment. It’s muffled and small, but definitely there. Hayden’s stomach twists. What’s going on here? He doesn’t have a good feeling about this. Especially not when he passes Shane’s bedroom door and there’s another noise. Short and bitten off, almost like someone is in pain.

“Shane?” he calls out.

The next noise is louder, which makes the panic contained in it all the clearer. Hayden’s blood runs cold and his hand is on the door handle before he’s even thought about it.

He doesn’t know what he expects to find behind that door, but he definitely doesn’t expect the first thing he sees to be a flexing ass. For a second, all he can do is stare. Someone somewhere else in the room is scrambling, but Hayden is transfixed. That can’t be Shane, he catches himself thinking. He’s way paler.

And then, he hears Shane. “Fuck, Hayden, what are you doing here?”

The ass is moving now, which Hayden takes as an opportunity to look away before he gets caught staring. He’s not sure it’s gonna help, but it sure as fuck won’t hurt. His heart is pounding. Shit. What’s happening here?

“Are you hurt?” he asks, looking at the ceiling.

“It’s not what it looks like!” Shane says. There are rustling sounds, like he’s hastily getting dressed. “I mean, no. It’s exactly what it looks like. But it’s not what you’re thinking, I swear. He would never hurt me.”

Consensual sex with a man, then. Hayden blinks at the ceiling, feeling desperately unprepared for this situation. Shane has sex with men. One man, at least. This is more visual confirmation than Hayden ever wanted, but okay. They can deal with this. Shane walked in on Hayden jerking off once, and they still managed to become friends somehow.

“I know you don’t like him, Hayd, but I swear he’s not like that.” Shane sounds frantic. The other man snorts, and it sounds like Shane hits him. “Don’t be an asshole right now. Hayden, you just need to get to know him. I genuinely think you could be friends one day. He’s good with kids, don’t you always say that’s a good measure of a person?”

Hayden remembers saying that. Much more concerning, however, is the tone of Shane’s voice right now. Too high and unsteady. Hayden clenches his jaw. Shane is scared. Scared of what? There are no good answers. Scared of Hayden, probably. Scared of Hayden starting something with this guy, maybe. His stomach twists at the thought.

“Is everyone dressed?” he asks because his neck is starting to cramp, but he also doesn’t want to risk seeing anything else today.

This, apparently, is a good question. Shane hisses at his guy to at least put some pants on.

“Is your bedroom, no?” the guy replies. “Maybe Hayden should take his pants off, join us.”

“Are you fucking insane!?” This time, Shane is much louder. Hayden can empathize. What the hell? And what is that accent? It sounds vaguely familiar.

“Okay, relax.” Feet pad across the carpet, getting way too close to Hayden to retrieve a pair of jeans that are just laying crumpled on the ground. The guy puts them on right there, seemingly unbothered by their close proximity. Like some sort of exertion of dominance. Hayden twitches when he hears the belt buckle jingle.

“You can look now.” That’s Shane again. The tremor in his voice makes Hayden squeeze his eyes shut. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s gonna be okay, Shane,” he says. “Please tell me you know that.”

“What?”

“Whatever you’re afraid of right now? It’s gonna be okay. Brothers, remember?”

“Hayden…”

“Shane.” Hayden crosses his arms. His neck twinges, but he’s gonna be damned if he looks before he’s got this cleared up. Shane is afraid, but Shane also knows him. Knows him well. If he really thinks Hayden will lose this shit, then he needs to get this squared away before that happens. “It’ll be okay. Say it. I love you, and it’ll be okay.”

Shane takes a sharp breath. “You love me and it’ll be okay.”

The first thing Hayden sees when he returns to something resembling normal posture is Ilya fucking Rozanov. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, curls in spectacular disarray, and frowning up at Hayden. Hayden blinks once, twice. Rozanov is still there.

“Well, fuck.”

They take the conversation to the living room, partially because the living room has more seating than just the bed, and partially because it doesn’t smell like sex. Hayden walks ahead, mind racing, and immediately turns on the espresso machine Shane keeps for his guests. 

Behind him, Rozanov snorts. But when Hayden turns around, ready to get mocked, the other man just nods at him. “Good idea.” He throws a look at Shane, who is currently putting away the remnants of what must have been their dinner. “Vodka would be better, but Shane refuses to stock it.”

“If I don’t have it, I can’t drink it on impulse,” Shane says over the bestial sound of the coffee grinder. Rozanov rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling while he does it. 

Hayden doesn’t know what to feel about that. He doesn’t know what to feel about any of this. Fucking Rozanov. Sure, he’d been half expecting that Shane was gay. But Rozanov? Montreal is a big enough city, and Shane gets around. Surely, he’s had ample opportunity to meet nice guys. Hot guys, even, if that’s all he’s looking for right now. Why the fuck is he risking it with Rozanov when he’s not even told Hayden? That feels backwards. And kind of insulting, honestly.

Rozanov keeps frowning. At first, he’s leaning against the dining table and frowning. Then, when Shane tells him to sit down, he’s sitting on the couch and frowning. Looking at Hayden the entire time. It’s getting old quite fast, especially because Hayden is making espressos for them both and that’s part of the reason it’s taking so long. Still, in a show of restraint that Karin would approve of, he hands over the tiny cup without a comment. 

“I guess I should explain,” Shane says when they’re all sitting down. He’s right next to Rozanov, Hayden on the other leg of the l-shaped sectional because anything else would’ve felt weird. Not that this doesn’t feel weird. He’s sitting where guests sit. Hayden hasn’t been a guest in years. He’s family. Or supposed to be, anyways.

Rozanov makes a dismissive noise. “You don’t need to explain anything. Hayden Pike came in like burglar - he should explain.”

“I was worried about Shane,” Hayden says.

“So you call!” Rozanov raises his eyebrows like that’ll do anything other than make him look like an absolute asshole. Hayden laughs.

“Oh, yeah, because Shane loves talking on the phone when he’s already upset. He ran out of the locker room without saying goodbye, and then he didn’t respond to my text messages for hours. I was worried about where his head was at. Sue me.”

It’s maybe not the most mature thing to say, but at least it gets Rozanov to pause. “Ran out?”

“It was nothing,” Shane says. Which is completely believable, because he sounds like he’s clenching his teeth and he’s staring at his knees like they know the answers to all of his problems. 

“Doesn’t sound like nothing. What happened?” Rozanov leans forward, trying to catch Shane’s eyes. He doesn’t succeed.

“Nothing,” Shane repeats.

Something slots into place. Hayden blinks. “Comeau called you a communist cocksucker. I think that might’ve done it.”

Rozanov rears back like he’s been slapped. “Communist? Is he crazy? Does he not see my pretty cars and expensive watches and all of the parties? This is not communism, is capitalism. I am very assimilated, almost honorary American citizen. Next, I become landlord.”

Shane huffs a laugh. “That would be way too much work for you.”

“I can hire a management company, be Mr. Businessman.” Rozanov wiggles his shoulders and Shane’s resulting smile is so fucking soft that Hayden’s stomach only sinks further. Oh. There’s more to this. They have inside jokes, and Hayden had no idea that they were even talking.

“We’re together,” Shane says when he sees him looking. “Ilya is my boyfriend. It’s… it’s serious.”

Fuck. Okay. Hayden can do this. He keeps his face as blank as he can. “Oh. Since when?”

“Um.” Shane quickly glances at Rozanov, who nods. “We’ve been official since last fall. But we’ve been seeing each other for longer than that.”

Huh. That’s over half a year. Half a year that Shane’s been in a relationship with someone and didn’t tell Hayden, not even when he was teasing him about- “So no Rose Landry?”

Rozanov throws his head back on a groan, but Shane just chuckles. “I told you we were just friends. Not my fault you believe the tabloids over me.”

“But the pictures were so cute!”

Shane rolls his eyes. “Rose is just photogenic.”

“So are you,” Rozanov says. “Is part of the problem. Two pretty people make very pretty couple. Strangers see you together, and they think aha! They must make babies, because their babies will also be pretty.”

“I think I’m a bit too gay to be having babies with Rose,” Shane says, like this is an argument they have frequently. “No matter how pretty she is.”

Rozanov hums. “Is a pity she is such a career woman. Otherwise, we could ask her to be surrogate, yes? When you retire in two years and become house husband.”

Hayden doesn’t know who’s sputtering more, him or Shane. The hot espresso he had in his mouth when Rozanov started speaking certainly doesn’t help. Most of it ends up in his airway, and he hacks up half a lung.

“I’m not retiring!” Shane says indignantly. “And you can’t just keep auditioning people for surrogacy without their consent. I don’t even know if I want kids yet.”

It’s the little flicker of his eyes towards Hayden that calms things down most of all. That gesture alone makes it feel like a weight falls of Hayden’s shoulders. Because they’re still in this together. This, at least, Shane hasn’t talked to Rozanov about. Not yet. But Hayden knows. And somehow, that makes it feel like they’re on even footing again. Almost.

“And Boston Lily? You weren’t dating her either?”

He’d been so sure. Even if they weren’t dating, surely they were having sex. Gay sounds like maybe they weren’t - but who knows? Maybe Lily was the one who opened a whole new world for Shane with all the butt stuff. Which he obviously enjoys, if what Hayden walked in on earlier is any indication.

“Well…”

Shane looks pained. Next to him, Rozanov is trying, and failing, not to giggle. “He says he is gay, and you keep asking about women. This is not the point, Pike.”

“I’m trying to contextualize!”

“Okay, then contextualize this: I am Boston Lily.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. All Stars 2011, we exchange numbers. I put myself in his phone as Lily because it’s funny. Sounds like Ilya, no? He was Jane in my phone. I only changed it when Marley found out.”

Shane frowns. “Wait, you changed it? To what?”

That’s so far from the point that Hayden almost laughs. “2011? Are you telling me you’ve been hooking up for five years?”

“Six. Technically.”.

“Seven,” Rozanov says. “First time at CCM commercial.”

Seven years. That commercial was shot before Hayden ever even met Shane. They’ve been friends for years, and this entire time, Shane has had this huge secret that he didn’t think he could tell Hayden about. Or that he didn’t want to tell him. Hayden wants to ask about that. Ask if it was something he did to make Shane doubt him, or if this was a thing that Shane needed to work through in his own head first. 

But what comes out of his mouth is: “So you were gay this entire time?”

Rozanov barks a laugh. “That is how it works, yes. Born this way, both Shane and Lady Gaga. You seriously didn’t know? Shane doesn’t have any girlfriend ever, and you don’t wonder oh, maybe he prefers cock?”

“I…” Hayden is this close to telling Rozanov he’s not talking to him, but then he remembers the tremor in Shane’s voice earlier. That’s what Shane is expecting, for Hayden to be an asshole about this. It’s probably what Rozanov’s expecting as well, going by all the frowning that’s happening. So Hayden clenches his jaw. He can be the bigger person for once.

“It’s rude to speculate. I may have thought about it once or twice, but that’s Shane’s business. So, like, if there was a reason it came up, I wondered for a bit, and then I put it away again. I just… no one’s gay unless they tell you they’re gay, right? You shouldn’t make assumptions.”

Hayden sticks out his chin at Rozanov, reasonably certain that he’s regained the moral high ground. Except Rozanov clearly isn’t bothered, because he snorts. “What is he, Schrödinger’s gay? Only queer if you open the box? Pike, that’s ridiculous.”

Distantly, Hayden is aware that Shane is punching Rozanov in the shoulder and complaining, but he can only gape. “Schrödinger’s what? Where the fuck did you get that term?”

Rozanov’s grin turns dangerous. “I’m very smart in Russian. Not like you, can’t even tell that Shane is lying about getting his ass fucked in your first language.”

“Ilya!” 

“Sorry, is true.” Rozanov looks anything but sorry. There’s a glint in his eyes that makes Hayden’s blood run cold. Because that implication… Hayden’s never heard a whisper of it. Hasn’t been chirped about it on the ice. But then again - Rozanov couldn’t have told anyone without saying where he got it from, right?

“Did you tell him?” Hayden croaks.

Shane frowns. “Tell him what?”

“That afternoon a few years ago. Where we talked about… you know. Did you tell him?” He can feel his hands shaking. Because this… not being told about Rozanov is one thing. That’s up to Shane, obviously, even if Hayden doesn’t like it. But if he took a vulnerable moment that Hayden trusted him with and just told his boyfriend… That would definitely be a betrayal. No matter how much Shane trusts Rozanov, Hayden doesn’t want him to know.

“Of course not!” Shane says. He scoots forward on the couch, one arm stretched out in Hayden’s direction. “I would never just tell someone, that’s not… I wouldn’t do that to you. Okay?”

“Tell me what?” Rozanov asks.

“Not now, Ilya.”

“Yes now,” Rozanov says. “Why he get so upset about talk of you and assfucking? He try it out with you, cheat on his wife?”

Shane recoils as violently as Hayden shakes himself. “Jesus, no. Stop it, okay? This is not the time.”

“No, I wanna know,” Rozanov needles. “Internet thinks you two experiment on boats. What happened, you talk about it and masturbate together?”

At first, Hayden is seriously tempted to hit him. But then he sees the way Rozanov’s eyes flit between him and Shane, and he realizes two things. One: Rozanov is  jealous. For no good reason, obviously, but that seems to be the problem. And two: He’s not going to give up before he has an answer. So Hayden gives up first, in the hope that he can walk away with his dignity intact. It’s not like Rozanov has any room to judge - if he shit talks Hayden about this, he’s basically also shit talking Shane.

“I just asked Shane for pointers on anal, okay? I was having some difficulties, and Shane helped me.” Christ, he doesn’t remember his heart ever beating this fast. And his face is so hot that it has to be the color of a fire hydrant. This is humiliating. Hayden takes a deep breath and sends up the prayer that this disclosure is enough and he doesn’t need to give any other details. 

Sadly, Rozanov doesn’t understand immediately. “You ask Shane for pointers on how to fuck your wife?”

Next to Rozanov, Shane buries his head in his hands with a bitten-off groan. Hayden can relate, but he’s not going to back down right now. He has nothing to be ashamed of, and he’s not gonna let Rozanov make him hide. So he just looks at him until he sees those green eyes widen.

“Oh,” Rozanov says. To his credit, he isn’t even grinning anymore. Just looks slightly sheepish. “I knew your wife was too good for you, but I didn’t know that was part of the reason. You’re a lucky man.”

“Damn right.” Hayden nods. He’s only now realizing that his chest is heaving, body still in fight-or-flight mode. Fuck. Apparently, Shane really is right. Rozanov isn’t that bad of an asshole. God, this could have gone so much worse.

Over on the other part of the couch, Shane has leaned forward to put his elbows on his knees, head bowed low between his shoulders. Just as Hayden wonders if he should reach out, Rozanov is already starting to run a firm hand up and down Shane’s arm.

“Hey, it’s alright. I stop making a fool of myself now. Pike is cool, we talk like adults. Right, Pike?” There’s only a small challenge in that last part. Small enough to make Hayden smile.

“Of course. It’s all good. I’m happy you found someone, Shane.” The even if it’s Rozanov stays unsaid for now. He can save that for later, when Shane isn’t pumped full of adrenaline. Maybe when Rozanov isn’t there to get defensive, and him and Shane can have an actual conversation like the adults they’re supposed to be. No posturing, just honesty.

Shane’s laughter sounds slightly hysterical. “Maybe Ilya is right. I feel like we need alcohol for this situation.”

That makes something twinge in the back of Hayden’s mind. A memory of Karin surfaces, looking at him in concern after he told her about the talk he had with Shane and how he feels they’re more honest with each other now. “If you need alcohol to be honest, that’s not good. Don’t dull your senses to talk to the people that you love, especially not about important things. That can go wrong fast. Find other ways to regulate your emotions.”

“How about a hug?” he offers instead. “I can squeeze you extra tight.”

Shane is on his feet before Hayden has even stopped talking. They crash into one another so hard they almost lose balance, but Hayden manages to stop them from toppling over. And then, they’re just standing there for a bit, breathing each other in and luxuriating in the vise grip they have on each other.

When Hayden opens his eyes after a minute, he looks directly at Rozanov. The Russian is still sitting on the couch, hands snarled tightly together, with a fond expression on his face and a suspicious sheen in his eyes. Does he have friends like this? Hayden wonders. Could he tell someone and have it end well? He doesn’t even think about it before he frees up one hand to motion Rozanov over.

It’s a bit weird to have him join their hug. For Rozanov too, probably, guy is tentative as all hell. But it’s worth it for the little sob Shane buries in Hayden’s neck. For the “thank you” he smears into his skin. This is important. It’s so deeply important to Shane. And Hayden, to his great relief, feels like he’s getting it right.

Chapter End Notes

I wanted to publish on Friday, but I just couldn't manage sitting down and writing for so long. Every one say "fuck you very much" to the carpal tunnel syndrome I have in both wrists, please :D

Credit for "Schrödinger's gay" goes to reader and commenter Bookobsessedweirdo. Thank you all so much for your amazing feedback, it's really motivating. I don't know that I would have kept writing if I hadn't received this much lovely reinforcement.

If I were to continue this series, is there anything in particular you'd like to see? I've had requests about Marley finding out, and I've been toying with Shane's friendship with Rose. Anyone else have any other ideas that might be fun?