Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

M/M

Fandoms:

Heated Rivalry (TV), Game Changers Series - Rachel Reid, Game Changers | Heated Rivalry - All Media Types

Relationships:

Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Shane Hollander & Scott Hunter, Shane Hollander & Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais & Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike

Characters:

Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Hayden Pike, Jean-Jacques Boiziau | J. J. Dagenais, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau, Scott Hunter (Game Changers), Carter Vaughn, Eric Bennett, Victor St. Simon, Yuna Hollander, Harris Drover, Sorren Miitka, Patrice Drapeau, Gilbert Comeau, Andropov (Game Changers), David Hollander, Roger Crowell

Additional Tags:

Crack Treated Seriously, Crack, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Protective Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander Is a Menace, Shane Hollander is a Little Shit, Shane Hollander Has a Big Dick, BAMF Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander Loves Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov Loves Shane Hollander, Neither of them know their own feelings yet though, Ilya Rozanov Gets Outed, Shane Hollander Comes Out, Homophobia, Post-Episode: s01e02 Olympians (Heated Rivalry), Out of Character, Social Media, Texting Fic, Shane Hollander is Obsessed With Ilya Rozanov, Ilya Rozanov is Obsessed With Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov is Whipped For Shane Hollander, Brave Shane Hollander, Because Russia, Cliff Marlow | Cliff Marleau Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Yuna Hollander Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, David Hollander Finds Out About Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov, Fuck AI, Implied/Referenced Character Death, nobody important though, Overprotective Shane Hollander, Shane Hollander the Master Strategist, no AI, AI could not be this funny anyway, Takes a specific brand of crazy to come up with this shit and run with it, Characters' messy behavior based entirely on the intrusive thoughts that populate my brain, Queer author

Language:

English

Series:

Part 5 of Heated rivalry fics

Stats:

Published: 2026-06-28 Completed: 2026-07-03 Words: 13,272 Chapters: 5/5

Shane Hollander, Gay Hockey Jesus

Summary

Compromising pictures surface after Ilya Rozanov’s phone is hacked. Determined not to let his Russian situationship face the fall-out of getting outed, Shane Hollander comes out, starts Twitter fights, and commits to acting unhinged on main, enlisting the help of a few trusted allies.
His objective? To become the bigger news story so as to draw attention away from Rozanov, in an insane bid to distract Russia from coming for his... whatever they are to each other.
Whoever said you can’t singlehandedly change an entire narrative has clearly never met Shane Hollander.

Notes

Set in October 2014, at the beginning of the new season after “we didn’t even kiss” in Vegas. Mix of show and book canon.
I follow book canon in regards to the timeline; there was no 2-year gap in their hookups so by now they know each other more than at the same point in show.

This is crack treated seriously - Shane's behavior will be slightly out of character (though that's debatable, I maintain that he could act like this given the correct environmental pressures). Do not read if you don't like that ;)

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Chapter Notes

“Did you hear about Rozanov?”

Until a minute ago, Shane Hollander did not know that such an innocuous question could fill him with this unbearable level of dread.

Well, at the ripe old age of exactly one minute older, now he knows.

“What exactly am I looking at, JJ?” he asks as he clutches Boiziau’s phone, though it’s quite clear from context clues.

“Rozanov’s phone was hacked and pictures were leaked, so now everyone knows he’s gay!” JJ replies gleefully, clearly delighting in Rozanov’s misery.

Shane clenches his jaw to avoid snapping at his teammate, keeping his eyes glued to the screen which is currently filled with a POV shot of a muscular, broad-shouldered man with a spectacular ass, getting dicked down doggy style. Although neither participants' features appear in the picture, and barely an inch of the top’s penis is visible at the edge of the frame, Shane would recognize that very same dick anywhere. In fact, he knows exactly how long and how girthy it is, what it weighs on his tongue, how it tastes, and how it feels inside his hole.

Fuck.

“There is another picture too,” JJ says as he helpfully swipes for Shane, whose fingers are clamped so tightly around the device that it’s a wonder it hasn’t warped.

Shane’s stomach drops. It’s the same two participants fucking, but the bottom is laid out on his back, knees held up as high as possible, cock hard and flushed and curving up to his navel, in which a few drops of precum have pooled. The picture is cropped right under the bottom’s chin, and the top’s – Rozanov’s – dick is once again barely in the shot.

“I didn’t know gays with big dicks took it up the ass too,” Hayden comments in an almost clinically disinterested tone. Shane does not understand how anyone can be so calm at the moment.

Well, that might also be because Shane knows exactly who the bottom is, and exactly when and where these pictures were taken. Given that it’s him. And that those are his navy-blue sheets. On his bed. At the sex condo.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Shane feels the beginnings of a panic attack creeping up his spine, but he knows now is neither the time nor the place to have a mental breakdown. Thankfully, his phone starts buzzing and Shane gratefully snatches it from his cubby, shoving JJ’s back into its owner’s hands.

“It’s my mom, I gotta take this, guys,” Shane says, stepping out of the locker room for a moment of privacy. Although practice finished a while ago and some of his teammates are already gone, there are still too many potential witnesses to Shane’s imminent freakout.

Shane declines the call and texts his mom that he’ll reach out later. He keeps walking down the hallway, trying to put as much space as possible between himself and the locker room so he can breathe in peace.

Shane wanders until he finds a dimly lit recess. He presses his back to the wall, dropping his head against the cool brick and taking in a quick and shallow inhale. He forces himself through box-breathing exercises in the hopes of quelling the currents of anxiety coursing through his body, before they overrun and flood his entire nervous system.

Once his breathing is back under control, Shane forces himself to run through the facts.

Pictures of his naked body and of his hard cock are floating around the internet, probably going viral at this very moment. Okay. That’s probably bad. Definitely violating. But.

His face isn’t in the pictures. He doesn’t have tattoos. Although he strongly considered it over the summer, he hasn’t had any form of gay sex with anybody but Rozanov. And none of the women he’s dated or hooked up with have ever seen him in these positions. In fact, nobody but Rozanov has ever witnessed Shane’s body from these particular angles.

Well, until now that is.

Still, this means it’s highly unlikely that anyone would clock him from seeing these two pictures. So. This isn’t actually that big of a problem right now.

The real problem is that these pictures came from Rozanov’s phone.

Rozanov, who is citizen of a country that enacted an anti-gay-propaganda law just last year. A law that’s vague enough that anything and everything could be considered propaganda. Shane stumbled through reading a translated version of the law and a handful of analyses after he got home from Sochi, and he’s not quite clear on the potential repercussions of transgressions while living abroad, but he’s sure of one thing: these leaked photos place Ilya Rozanov at risk. He may even be in danger, if not legally then physically. Especially if the League kicks him out and he loses his work visa, which would force him to return to Russia.

Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Despite himself, Shane feels a protective instinct surge within.

He knows that he and Rozanov aren’t really anything to each other. Rozanov has been quite clear about that, on more than one occasion. And yet, they always seem to circle back to each other.

Sure, Rozanov may have ghosted him for months, but then they hooked up at the NHL awards in Vegas. Things were left kind of weird, but they’ve since exchanged a message or two, and Shane confirmed that he wasn’t mad about Vegas.

They haven’t seen each other in person since then, as the season has just started and their teams have yet to play against each other. They sure as shit haven’t had an actual conversation about where they stand, or how they feel about each other. Shit, Shane didn’t even bring up the lack of kissing during or after their hookup. So they’re still in an ambiguous sort of place. But.

Shane does like Rozanov. (He would rather die than admit it but that doesn’t make it any less true.) And he’s fairly sure the feeling is mutual, despite Rozanov’s overall dickishness since their hookup last December.

So Shane likes Rozanov, who is currently experiencing a horrible and probably terrifying situation.

And Shane knows that Rozanov wears bravado as a shield and sports a nearly impenetrable mask of indifference to most things. The operative word being nearly. Shane has seen Rozanov warm, and gentle, and caring; he’s seen the man cold and distant, but also angry and lashing out. Shane has experienced the intensity and breadth of Rozanov’s emotions, therefore he’s quite certain that the other man is panicking right now. Or experiencing other forms of distress.

And Rozanov has been there for Shane during his own panic attacks. It’s only fair to return the favor, right?

Shane can’t help but pull up their text thread.

Shane: Are you okay?

Shane feels a strange sense of déjà vu, then remembers he’d texted the same phrase to ‘Lily’ after Team Russia lost to Latvia at the Olympics.

Shane stares at his phone for a moment, willing Rozanov to reply.

Of course, Rozanov does no such thing.

Rozanov’s phone is probably blowing up right now, though, so Shane resists the urge to text back something entitled like “don’t you dare ignore me”. Again, they don’t do that.

Shane puts his phone back in his pocket, walks out of the practice facility, gets in his car, and begins hatching a plan.

Shane pulls up into the parking garage and turns off the ignition. He walks into the building, gets on the elevator, and gets off at the penthouse level. He reaches the apartment door and punches in the code: 1410.

The keypad squawks a discordant note. Wrong code.

Shane frowns, then punches in 1221. The door unlocks.

Shane gets inside the apartment, shuts the door quietly, then takes his shoes off, placing them neatly on the designated rack. He makes his way deeper into the apartment, not bothering to turn the lights on.

When he reaches the living room, he finds what he was looking for.

“Hollander? What the fuck are you doing in my house?”

“I’m sorry this happened to you. I know this puts you in danger. I have a plan. Do you trust me?”

1 hour later

@i_resent_rozanov

Of course @theilyarozanov always needs to be first at everything. First draft pick. Youngest captain to lead his team to a Stanley Cup. Youngest player to win both league MVP and playoff MVP. And now, first out queer player in the NHL. Ugh 🙄

@shanehollander

No *I* am the first out player in the NHL since I’m #ActuallyGay (1/4)

@i_resent_rozanov Of course @theilyarozanov always needs to be first at everything. First draft pick. Youngest captain to lead his team to a Stanley Cup. Youngest player to win both league MVP and playoff MVP. And now, first out queer player in the NHL. Ugh 🙄

We don't know who is in those pictures or how they ended up on Rozanov's phone. We don't know that he's queer. Tbh it's way more likely that a teammate pranked the guy by sending gay porn, hockey players are a bunch of homophobic idiots. (2/4)

Also did you guys peep that Russian law that came out last year??? He might be a homophobic idiot too, for all we know. So let's stop acting like he's Gay Hockey Jesus, yeah? That's my title now 🏆 (3/4)

Alsooo if Rozanov was queer, believe me I would know 😉 (4/4)

Chapter End Notes

Ilya's hold on Shane is so strong that he can interrupt a panic attack without even being there 😅 but sure sure they're so casual

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Chapter Summary

Ilya's POV as Shane walks him through the plan and starts building a network of lies - and of allies.

Chapter Notes

CW for homophobic slur

“I’m sorry this happened to you. I know this puts you in danger. I have a plan. Do you trust me?”

Ilya blinks, trying to force his dissociative mind to snap back into focus so he can deal with Hollander, who is currently standing in his living room looking exceedingly earnest and determined.

“Are you real?” Ilya croaks.

Hollander immediately moves forward, features twisting into an empathetic expression. He reaches the couch where Ilya has been huddled in a blanket for the past eight hours and extends his hand to cup Ilya’s face. “Yes, I’m real,” he answers softly, thumb gently petting Ilya’s cheek. Ilya leans into the warm, steady pressure.

“How did you get here?”

“I drove from Montreal.”

“No I mean, how did you get inside my house?”

"I, um, I guessed your door code.” Hollander has the decency to look guilty.

Ilya blushes and turns his face away from Hollander’s hand. Fuck. Hollander has caught him in the act of being sentimental.

Although. Hollander must be sentimental too, if he thought to try the hotel room number for one of their first hookups. Ilya’s heart flutters at the notion.

Oh that will not do, not at all.

Clearing his throat, Ilya comments, “You know there is doorbell. Is little button you push to tell someone you are at their house and would like to come in. You do this and then you wait one minute and then the person whose house it is comes and opens door for you.”

Hollander rolls his eyes. “If I’d rung the doorbell, would you have answered?”

Ilya’s jaw twitches. “Probably not.” Ilya has not been in the mind space to deal with anyone today. “Why did you come?”

Hollander shuffles his feet and looks away, mumbling something.

“What?”

Hollander inhales deeply, then visibly forces himself to meet Ilya’s eyes. “Couldn’t let you deal with this alone.”

Warmth floods Ilya’s chest and he smiles for the first time all day. He and Hollander stare at each other for a minute, eyes softer than is probably warranted in the face of one’s totally-casual-hookup-who-you’re-definitely-not-dating-oh-no-siree.

Hollander finally breaks the spell. “Also, like I said, I have a plan. Can I sit down?”

Ilya nods, gathering himself up to make space for the other man. Once Hollander is seated next to him, Ilya stretches his long legs out and over Hollander’s knees.

Hollander seems surprised but takes it in stride, repositioning the blanket to cover Ilya’s feet and gently resting his hands over Ilya’s shins.

“So. What is your plan.”

“I’ll tell you in a minute, but first I need to know if you’ve spoken to your agent, your publicist, or your team’s management since the leaked photos started circulating.”

Ilya shakes his head. He’s been avoiding his phone like the plague since his initial foray onto social media this morning, going so far as to turn it off to quiet the incessant buzzing.

“Okay. So that means that right now, nobody has had confirmation that you’re in the pictures. That’s actually great, because now we get to control the narrative.”

Hollander’s use of ‘we’ does something to Ilya, which he is definitely not going to examine right now. “What is narrative?”

“Oh, it’s like the story about the situation. Controlling the narrative is what PR people do, they take facts and reframe them in a way that changes the story enough that it has less consequences. So here, there’s no proof that you’re in these pictures – I sincerely doubt anybody could identify you based on the one inch of your dick that’s in the photos. And because there’s no proof you’re there, there’s also no proof you’re queer. The only confirmed fact is that you had pictures of gay sex on your phone. Do you see the difference?”

“Yes but I do not see how this difference changes the narrative.”

“The narrative is that someone sent you the pictures to mess with you.”

Ilya mulls it over, then nods. “Hockey players prank each other all the time, people could believe this. But this does not mean everyone will.”

Hollander mindlessly runs his hand over the blanket, caressing Ilya’s shin. “I don’t care about everyone, I care that whoever could come for you in Russia believes it. And that it’s convincing enough that the League doesn’t mess with your employment status or your work visa, so you have time to review what needs to happen to stay safe. Maybe with a lawyer?”

Ilya worries at his bottom lip. “I can probably not go back to Russia. Even if authorities do not think I am queer, would not be safe from other citizens.” He hesitates for a beat. “Would not be safe from my family. I should apply for green card.”

Hollander offers Ilya a sad look, squeezing his leg. “I’m so sorry, Ilya.”

Ilya’s heart skips a beat. Hollander has never used Ilya’s first name on its own before. It’s always been ‘Rozanov’ or, occasionally, ‘Ilya Rozanov’. Not only that, but Hollander pronounced it correctly: Eel-yah’, emphasis on the second of two syllables. He smiles and lays his hand over Hollander’s. “Thank you, Shane. And thank you for coming. You did not have to.”

Holl- no, Shane’s lips twist up, mirroring Ilya’s. “I had to. Couldn’t let you deal with the consequences of our bad decisions by yourself. My ass is on the line too, literally.”

Ilya can tell that Shane was aiming for snarky, but it comes across as more sincere than anything else. “Still, they do not know it is your ass. Probably smarter to stay away so you do not get outed too. Is probably suspicious that you are in Boston.”

Shane shrugs. “That’s why I drove here. Only one guy at the border knows I’m in the US, if he even recognized me. My team and coach just think I had a family emergency.”

“Okey. Do you really think we are bad decision?” Ilya asks carefully.

Shane twists his wrist up to tangle his fingers with Ilya’s. “You and me? Not really. Something that feels so good can’t be all that bad, right? Maybe a little bad, professionally. But I don’t regret it. What I do regret is agreeing to you taking those pictures. And not asking you to delete them.”

Shane must have seen Ilya’s expression change as he rushes to add, “Not because I regret being in the pictures or you keeping them. It was hot in the moment, and after that I liked to imagine you jerking off to them.” Shane blushes. “What I regret is that we didn’t think of the consequences you could face and we didn’t take better steps to protect you. And now someone has violated your privacy and made you into a target.” He squeezes Ilya’s fingers. “So. All that to say. This was a bad call we made together, and I feel like we share responsibility for the shitstorm that’s going to hit you. Not that you’re responsible for being the victim of a cyberattack! Just that. I can’t leave you alone with this. It would be wrong.”

Ilya feels his heart swell. This man! Why is he so perfect! Back in Vegas, Ilya thought all of this perfection was fucking awful. Now, he’s just insanely grateful that he gets to have access to even the smallest sliver of Shane.

All Ilya can do, really, is to lunge forward and desperately claim Shane’s mouth. Shane lets out a surprised gasp, then fervently returns the kiss, shoving his tongue past Ilya’s lips. They both groan, and Ilya feels dizzy with lust.

The moment ends too soon, when Shane pulls away. “Later. We need to finalize and enact the plan.”

“What is rest of the plan?”

Shane smirks. “The plan is that I become a bigger problem that nobody can look away from. They’ll get so distracted they’ll forget all about the stupid prank someone played on you.”

Ilya grins, chuckling in disbelief. “What, golden boy Shane Hollander is going to cause scandal? How? You have mildly impolite opinions on tape brands that you would like to share? I do not think this will work, Shane.”

Shane stares at Ilya, wearing a neutral expression. “I am sitting on a secret that will make everybody freak out. And I’m going to share it in the least polite way possible. And I’m going to fan the flames to cause a lot of Twitter chaos, on purpose.”

Ilya’s smile falls. “Hollander, you cannot be serious. Please tell me you are not going to come out.”

Shane chortles. “Oh, I am, that’s going to be the least of it. Also, don’t worry, I’m not going to say I’m in the pictures. The point is to draw attention away from you, not feed into people’s speculation.”

Ilya shakes his head. “No Hollander- Shane. You cannot do this. Please do not blow up your career over this.” Over me, he wants to say, but he chickens out.

Shane steels himself. “Don’t try to talk me out of this. It’s my coming out, I can do it whenever and however I want, and I choose now. Like this.”

“Yes but what about your career? Your image? What about all of those brand deals you do? Your manager will freak out!”

Shane shrugs. “My manager’s my mom, she’ll get over it.”

Ilya scans Shane’s face and posture, noting the tense aura emanating from the other man. “You have not told your parents about you,” he states bluntly.

“I haven’t told anyone. You’re the only one who knows. For now. I’ve never even said it out loud.”

Shane looks so resolute, Ilya wants to shake him. “Listen to yourself! You have not been ready to tell anyone, but now whole world will know? This is insane! Do you not want to start smaller?”

Shane grimaces. “Not really. If I ease into it, that means I’ll have to come out dozens of times, and walk everybody through processing their emotions about my sexuality. That’s too messy. This way is cleaner. Efficient.”

“At least come out to your parents? Maybe your agent too? Maybe tell them about this plan?” Ilya pleads.

“No, they’ll just try to talk me out of it.”

Ilya sighs. This stubborn, stubborn man. Ilya lo- likes him so much. “Okey. Well. Start with small step by coming out to me? Then you can start Twitter war.”

Shane smiles. “Okay. Ilya, I’m gay.”

Ilya gasps dramatically. “What! You are! I would never have known!”

“Fuck off, you’re such an asshole!” Shane retorts, whacking Ilya with a cushion.

Ilya shields himself from the onslaught, cackling all the while. Once Shane deems himself successfully revenged and drops the cushion, Ilya tackles him and flops back down onto the couch, pinning the other man. Ilya forces himself to reply in a more considerate manner. “Thank you for trusting me with your truth.” Ilya punctuates the statement with a peck to Shane’s cheek.

“Did you read a fucking guide about how to react to someone coming out?” Shane asks dryly.

“A lady never tells,” Ilya sniffs primly.

“Okay, milady. I’m going to do some sort of coming out post. You should call your agent. Don’t forget to say it’s a prank photo. And stay off social media.”

“Ah, I probably need to change agent – mine is Russian, will not want to put himself or his family at risk to protect me.”

“Oh. Well, I’ll give you my agent’s contact info. Her name’s Farah, she’s got players’ best interests at heart and there’s a Pride flag sticker on her office door. So she probably won’t suck about this. Can you get off me so I can pull my phone out of my pocket? Thank you.”

@shanehollander

No *I* am the first out player in the NHL since I’m #ActuallyGay (1/4)

@i_resent_rozanov Of course @theilyarozanov always needs to be first at everything. First draft pick. Youngest captain to lead his team to a Stanley Cup. Youngest player to win both league MVP and playoff MVP. And now, first out queer player in the NHL. Ugh 🙄

We don't know who is in those pictures or how they ended up on Rozanov's phone. We don't know that he's queer. Tbh it's way more likely that a teammate pranked the guy by sending gay porn, hockey players are a bunch of homophobic idiots. (2/4)

Also did you guys peep that Russian law that came out last year??? He might be a homophobic idiot too, for all we know. So let's stop acting like he's Gay Hockey Jesus, yeah? That's my title now 🏆 (3/4)

Alsooo if Rozanov was queer, believe me I would know 😉 (4/4)

@boyaquarium

k so @shanehollander just came out, dissed how homophobic hockey culture is, proclaimed himself Gay Hockey Jesus, and confirmed that @theilyarozanov isn’t queer, all in one breath. this is both the happiest and the saddest day of my life.

↳ @h0ckey4ever We've seen a gazillion paparazzi shots of Rozanov with women yet you all spent the past 8 hours believing he’s gay?? You needed to wait for his sworn rival to set the record straight that he’s straight?? Be so for real rn

↳↳ @boyaquarium you do know that bisexuals exist, right?!

↳↳↳ @h0ckey4ever I don’t care about different categories of fags, I care that they stay out of this league. Rozanov’s clearly not a fag, so he gets to stay. Period.

↳↳↳ @boyaquarium aaaand blocked.

@hollanders_corsi It's def a prank, have y’all spared a second to think after seeing the pictures? Those are porn star dicks ffs!

@shanehollander We don't know who is in those pictures or how they ended up on Rozanov's phone. We don't know that he's queer. Tbh it's way more likely that a teammate pranked the guy by sending gay porn, hockey players are a bunch of homophobic idiots. (2/4)

@mrsrozanov

How do you know he’s not gay? Asking for me.

@shanehollander Alsooo if Rozanov was queer, believe me I would know 😉 (4/4)

@shanehollander

Never thought I’d see the day I’d have to explain gaydar to the world of hockey, but it’s called being super hot. Gay men always notice, just like I notice them 😏

@ mrsrozanov How do you know he’s not gay? Asking for me.

@victorstsimon

who the fuck are you calling homophobic idiots? Watch it, Hollander (congrats on your coming out though man that’s dope ✌️)

@shanehollander We don't know who is in those pictures or how they ended up on Rozanov's phone. We don't know that he's queer. Tbh it's way more likely that a teammate pranked the guy by sending gay porn, hockey players are a bunch of homophobic idiots. (2/4)

“Why are you lying to people? I am gay, and you know this.” Ilya asks, peering over Shane’s shoulder.

“The way they’re saying it implies you only like men. So I’m not lying by saying that’s false. Also, I’m not lying that I would know if you were gay – I would know. I do know. See? I’m putting multiple true statements next to each other, and people are interpreting those statements as causally linked. That’s not my problem.”

Ilya giggles gleefully. “Remind me never to get on your bad side. You are, ah – has no pity, almost brutal?”

“Ruthless.”

“Yes. You are ruthless, Shane Hollander.”

“I am. Marlow’s a good friend of yours, right?”

“He is my best friend on the team.”

“Do you think he’d have your back?”

Ilya considers this for a moment. “Yes, I think so.”

“Okay so if you want to stay on my good side, give me Marlow’s phone number. Or if you don’t want to wade through hundreds of notifications, give me your phone and I’ll go find it.”

Ilya wordlessly hands his phone over.

Shane: Hey Marlow. It’s Shane Hollander. This is gonna sound weird, but could you go on Twitter and say you pranked Rozanov by sending him pictures of amateur gay porn?

Marlow (Boston): Hey Hollander. Uh. Why would I do that?

Shane: Can I call you? Easier to explain.

Marlow (Boston): Sure man, just give me a minute.

Chapter End Notes

Next chapter: Shane stirs the pot even more.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Chapter Summary

Shane makes it weird, then makes it even weirder.
His merry band of helpers join in.
Ilya enters the chat with a bang.

Chapter Notes

I wrote these first three chapters in a day. That was over 7300 words and 12 hours of writing, there's definitely typos. Oh well!

CW: homophobic slur

Hayd: Shane, is this real? You’re gay?

Hayd: Oh I see you’re doubling down. Guess it is real.

Hayd: I’m proud of you for living your truth! (google says that’s how I’m supposed to say this, not just say “fuck yeah dude!”)

Bon Voyage(urs) groupchat

Comeau: what the fuck cap, you’re a fag?

Hayd: dude what the fuck!

Drapeau: yeah what the fuck, capitaine

Hayd: no I mean what the fuck the slur

Comeau: 🙄

Miitka: what the fuck cap, you’re a gay?

Miitka: better?

Hayd: I guess

Hayd: it’s cool that you’re gay, Shane, you’re our captain and we’ve got your back. Right guys?

Hayd: right?

Hayden: come back me up in the team gc

JJ: did you know about this?

Hayden: know that he’s gay? Or that he was going to come out?

JJ: either. both.

Hayden: no I didn’t know he was gay and I didn’t know he planned on telling the whole world.

JJ: oh.

Hayden: are you done being jealous? Can you come back me up in the gc now? Shane needs us.

JJ: I’m coming.

Bon Voyage(urs) groupchat

JJ: good for you capitaine. I know a lot of queer men in the restaurant scene, let me know if ever you want me to set you up. Or a wingman. Whatever you need!

Hayd: yes, same! Pretty sure Jackie’s yoga instructor is gay and single. I can ask.

JJ: wait first I guess we should ask, do you have a boyfriend?

Shane: yes and no

Hayd: what the hell does that mean?

Shane: means yes I’m seeing someone, no he’s not my boyfriend

JJ: do you want him to be?

Shane: no comment

Andropov: can we keep details about cap’s dating life out of the gc? thanks.

Shane: we’re not dating. We just have hot gay sex. I can regale you with the details if you’d rather hear about that 😉

Andropov: NO

Comeau: 🤮

Drapeau: pass

Miitka: sure I want to know if prostate orgasms are better than just regular

Shane: a true ally

“But why do you care?” Marlow asks.

“Just because we’re rivals doesn’t mean I hate his guts. And now that I’ve spent time in Russia as a gay man, even if it was just a couple weeks, I would be really fucking worried right now if I was in his shoes.”

“But why do I have to lie about pranking him?”

“Cause right now the prank thing is just a hypothesis I threw out into the universe. Me, his longtime rival. It would be a lot more convincing if someone who’s publicly known as his friend confirmed it.”

“Sure, but… if I didn’t do it, where did the pictures come from?”

Shane presses his thumb and index to his closed eyelids. “Does it matter, Marly? If he took them, he’s not safe. If he downloaded them from somewhere, he’s not safe. If someone sent them to flirt, even if he wasn’t interested in them, he’s not safe. He’s only safe if everybody thinks he was tricked into having those pictures on his phone, by someone very straight.”

Marlow stays silent for a moment. “This is insane, Hollander. But count me in. I just need to talk to my agent so she can help me write up a fancy statement.”

“Don’t tell her you didn’t do it! And don’t say anything about when the so-called prank happened, to anyone, unless you manage to get a hold of Rozanov and he tells you the timeframe.”

“Hollander, I may not be the sharpest knife in the … I forget how it goes, but I know that.”

“Thanks, Marlow. You’re a good friend.”

“If I’m going to lie for the sake of your Twitter voodoo, you should at least call me Marly.”

“Fair enough. Thanks, Marly. I’ll keep distracting the vultures while you talk to your agent.”

“Sounds good. And hey, if you hear anything from Roz, let me know.”

Shane glances up at Ilya, who is sitting next to him and listening in on the call. “Will do, Marly.”

Shane hangs up. He stares at his phone for a moment, watching the flurry of notifications still rolling in. 26 missed calls from his mom. 5 from his agent. 12 from Coach Thériault. 3 from the Voyageurs’ general manager and 9 from the team’s PR director. Countless texts from every single person he’s ever met.

He opens the Twitter app and starts typing.

@shanehollander

What I want to know is who the hell #HungBottom is. Dearest baddie, if you recognize yourself please slide into my DMs 👀

@hollanders_corsi It's def a prank, have y’all spared a second to think after seeing the pictures? Those are porn star dicks ffs!

@shanehollander

This was NOT an invitation for you guys to start sending me mediocre dick pics. Unless you’re #HungBottom, stop it!!

@shanehollander What I want to know is who #HungBottom is. Dearest baddie, if you recognize yourself please slide into my DMs

@shanehollander

Since it seems you guys don’t understand basic consent and apparently aren’t going to stop it with the unsolicited dicks pics, I’m going to start posting screenshots. These WILL show your dicks and usernames. Unsolicited ratings will accompany said screenshots. Nothing I say will be fair. Beware. (1/3)

@shanehollander This was NOT an invitation for you guys to start sending me mediocre dick pics. Unless you’re #HungBottom, stop that!

Hope you enjoy getting a taste of your own medicine, cause I sure will. (2/3)

#HungBottom these terms and conditions do not apply to you, DMs are still open 😘 (3/3)

@shanehollander

@lickmeshane first of all no I will not, second of all that’s a 2 out of 10. Learn to fucking manscape, what the hell is that? A rat’s nest??!

@shanehollander

@gayforpay your dick literally looks sick in this lighting. 1 out of 10. There’s no chance in hell anybody would pay you to see this. You only get a 1 cause I feel bad for the diseased and ailing.

@shanehollander

0/10 this looks like a curse to the concept of photography. What the everlasting fuck, @panasonic_lover

@shanehollander

@kissme24 no I will not, keep your nasty dick out of my face. 0 out of 10

@shanehollander

@boyaquarium if you’re hoping to catch a gay hockey player in your fishing net or whatever, this is the worst possible way to go about it. 1 out 10 and that singular point is ONLY because you’re wearing a Voyageurs jersey.

@shanehollander

@holeander my guy. Nobody needs to see your dirty butthole. Genuinely what the fuck is this. 0 out of 10.

@shanehollander

Oop did I scare you guys off? Hm? Didn’t like that everybody now knows that your dicks suck? Good luck finding anybody to blow you now, hope it was worth whatever thrill you got from ignoring my boundaries and annoying me.

@shanehollander

@lickmeshane congrats on having the least terrible dick pic I saw all day, which really isn’t saying much.

@shanehollander @lickmeshane first of all no I will not, second of all that’s a 2 out of 10. Learn to fucking manscape, what the hell is that? A rat’s nest??!

@shanehollander

#HungBottom I’m still waiting 😇

@boyaquarium

#HungBottom if you see this, can you reach out to @shanehollander so he stops cyberbullying the rest of us?

@shanehollander

I only posted screenshots of dick pics sent AFTER my warning. Is it really cyberbullying if I told you where the line was, told you what the consequences would be if you crossed it, and you did it anyway? Or am I just enforcing my boundaries?

@boyaquarium #HungBottom if you see this, can you reach out to @shanehollander so he stops cyberbullying the rest of us?

↳ @boyaquarium … ok you got me there

↳↳ @shanehollander see I knew you’d get it eventually. Hope you enjoyed getting your ass handed to you on main.

@harrisdrover

@shanehollander in his catty gay era is simply everything to me 😂 proud to see my culture so well represented 🏳️‍🌈🏒🏳️‍🌈🏒🏳️‍🌈🏒

↳↳ @shanehollander happy to be of service 🏳️‍🌈🏒

↳↳↳ @harrisdrover hope you find your #HungBottom, you absolute king!

↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander thanks, I’ve got no doubt he’ll surface soon enough 😈

Hunter (NYC): Hollander. Saw your coming out post, that was really brave of you.

Hunter (NYC): Also saw everything else you’ve got going on.

Hunter (NYC): Are you doing all of this because of that conversation we had with Carter, in Sochi? You know the one.

Shane: Yes.

Hunter (NYC): Ah. I see. Can we help in any way?

Shane: If you and Vaughnny can help draw eyes away from Rozanov, maybe by starting other fires, that would be super helpful!

Hunter (NYC): Will do. You cool if I rope someone else in? He’s super chill.

Shane: Sure, I trust your judgement.

Hayd: Oh wow, you’re really doubling down

Hayd: Sorry you’re getting so many dick pics from randos, that probably sucks.

Hayd: Not that dicks suck, just the unsolicited part.

Hayd: Is it weird to say I’m proud of you for clapping back so hard?

Hayd: Anyways I love you man, let me know if you need anything

Shane: 👍

Shane: I need you to post something supportive about me being gay, or retweet posts that say nice things about me being gay. You can also react to some of my unhinged tweets and what the new york players are about to post.

Shane: but whatever you do, say NOTHING about Rozanov. Do NOTHING than reminds people he exists. Say NOTHING about the pictures.

Shane: in fact you know what? Draft something then run it by me before posting.

Shane: tell JJ he can also hop onto my crazy bandwagon

Hayd: On it.

Mom: Shane honey, can you call me back?

Mom: Your dad and I love you, we’re not mad about you being gay, we’re just worried about you!

Shane: I’m fine mom, can’t talk right now I’m busy coordinating.

Mom: coordinating with who? Farah?

Mom: Shane?

@scotthunter

Congrats to @shanehollander who made history today as the first NHL player to come out of the closet! Your bravery inspires me to follow in your footsteps, and to say: I am also #ActuallyGay and here to play.

↳ @scotthunter Here to play ***with hockey sticks and pucks. Get your minds out of the gutter.

↳↳ @scotthunter Here to play with hockey sticks and pucks ***on an actual rink, not as a metaphor for anything. Again, get your minds out of the gutter.

@ericbennett

I am proud to come out as the first #ActuallyBi player in the NHL. Before you ask, yes, I am married. Yes, my wife knows. No, we are not looking for a third. @scotthunter is single though, maybe hit him up instead 😉

@cartervaughn

#blessed to be part of the gayest team in the NHL, now that @scotthunter and @ericbennett have come out. @shanehollander you may be Gay Hockey Jesus, but this team has Queer Hockey Royalty 👑

@haydenpike

Sure but in a game of gay rock-paper-scissors, one @shanehollander trumps all the other queer hockey players combined. That’s just math.

@cartervaughn #blessed to be part of the gayest team in the NHL, now that @scotthunter and @ericbennett have come out. @shanehollander you may be Gay Hockey Jesus, but this team has Queer Hockey Royalty 👑

↳ @jjboiziau #facts

@shanehollander

there’s enough gay juju to go around, guys. the more the merrier @scotthunter @ericbennett let’s make this league queer af 🏳️‍🌈🏒

@haydenpike Sure but in a game of gay rock-paper-scissors, one @shanehollander trumps all the other queer hockey players. That’s just math.

↳ @scotthunter Hell yeah!

↳↳ @ericbennett sounds like a plan to me!

@jjboiziau

Congratulations mon capitaine @shanehollander for coming out as gay. The women of Montréal will rue this day, but they will stop bothering you and start bothering us so win-win, yes?

@shanehollander No *I* am the first out player in the NHL since I’m #ActuallyGay (1/4)

↳ @shanehollander sure, I did this to show I’m a real ally to the straight community

↳↳ @jjboiziau 😂😂

@haydenpike

Congrats on coming out as an asshole today, the world deserves to know the true extent of @shanehollander ’s snarky ways! (1/2)

@shanehollander Oop did I scare you guys off? Hm? Didn’t like that everybody now knows about your dicks suck? Good luck finding anybody to blow you now, hope it was worth whatever thrill you got from ignoring my boundaries and annoying me.

Bring #HungBottom over to meet me and Jackie once you find him, there’s always an extra seat or two at our table! (2/2)

@cliffmarlow

I would like to extend my formal apologies to @theilyarozanov for sending him pictures of gay porn, thinking it would be funny. This was obviously in poor taste and an error in judgement on my part. (1/4)

I recognize that queer people are not a punchline, and that acting like gay sex is a joke perpetuates harmful stereotypes about queerness being unnatural, shocking, revolting, or less-than. (2/4)

Therefore, I would also like to apologize to the LGBTQIA+ community for any harm I may have inadvertently caused. I will keep learning and do my best to be a true ally moving forward (3/4)

Lastly, I ask that everyone be kind and patient with my good friend Roz, who experienced a breach in privacy and must now deal with the ramifications, including figuring out whether any sensitive data was stolen and taking steps to prevent identity fraud. It will take him a moment to get back to everyone. (4/4)

@shanehollander

I fucking TOLD YOU SO

@cliffmarlow I would like to extend my formal apologies to @ilyarozanov for sending him pictures of gay porn, thinking it would be funny. This was obviously in poor taste and an error in judgement on my part. (1/4)

@i_resent_rozanov

You heard it here first, as the first #ActuallyGay NHL player, @shanehollander is confirmed to be Gay Hockey Jesus 🏆 I’d say eat a dick, @theilyarozanov, but apparently that’s not your thing 🤷‍♂️

@shanehollander I fucking TOLD YOU SO

@hollover

Who wrote this statement? @cliffmarlow sure as shit doesn’t know the word “inadvertently”

@cliffmarlow Therefore, I would also like to the LGBTQIA+ community for any harm I may have inadvertently caused. I will keep learning and do my best to be a true ally moving forward (3/4)

↳ @cliffmarlow my agent wrote this cause I would’ve made it worse if we’d gone with what I wrote

↳↳ @hollover what did you write?

↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow I’m not telling you

↳↳↳↳ @hollover I dare you

↳↳↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow no

↳↳↳↳↳↳ @hollover double dare you

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow ugh fine mine was “me and Roz send each other porn all the time, I thought sending him gay porn would make him screech or want to wash his eyes with soap, I’m stupid and really sorry.” Happy?

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @hollover I like yours better. It’s honest

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow aw thanks bro!

@mrsrozanov

Sorry I’m still hung up on the fact that YOU GUYS JUST CASUALLY SEND EACH OTHER PORN?!!!

@cliffmarlow ugh fine mine was “me and Roz send each other porn all the time, I thought sending him gay porn would make him screech or want to wash his eyes with soap, I’m stupid and really sorry.” Happy?

↳ @cliffmarlow it’s a normal thing to do with your bros 🤷‍♂️

↳↳ @mrsrozanov says who??

↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow says me and most of my team. @victorstsimon back me up

↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon yeah we all do it

@victorstsimon

@shanehollander sorry I overreacted over the “homophobic idiots” thing. Also Marly just told me I shouldn’t have dissed a gay person for pointing out homophobia cause “how would you know what’s homophobic when you’re straight, you absolute doofus”. So I guess the ally lessons are already working.

@shanehollander I fucking TOLD YOU SO

↳ @shanehollander all good, man, now you know I’m never wrong. It’s how I stay winning 😉

↳↳ @victorstsimon fuck off, Hollander

↳↳↳ @shanehollander *gasp* homophobe!

↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon is this how it’s always going to be from now on?

↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander you bet your French ass it will be

↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon you’ve looked at my ass? Ok real talk it’s a good ass right? Scale of 1 to 10

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander eh. I’ve seen better. Need I remind you of #HungBottom ?

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon 🖕🖕🖕🖕

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander well you asked

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon yeah but I’m not a gay pornstar, so no fair!

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander are you really asking me for a pity rating rn?

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon yes

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander fine. 4

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon out of what, 5?

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander out of 10

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon wow fuck me I guess

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon not literally, I’m not gay

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander 🙄 we’ve just established that you’re a 4. I’m way out of your league

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon wowwww okay I see how it is. It’s #HungBottom or bust, right?

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander now you get it!

@downbad4roz

I’m so disappointed I could cry

@i_resent_rozanov You heard it here first, as the first #ActuallyGay NHL player, @shanehollander is Gay Hockey Jesus 🏆 I’d say eat a dick, @theilyarozanov, but apparently that’s not your thing 🤷‍♂️

@theilyarozanov

Sorry not sorry to everyone who spent the day thinking they suddenly had a chance with me. You are all delulu, there is only my Jane for me ❤️

@downbad4roz I’m so disappointed I could cry

↳ @cliffmarlow dude, did you guys finally make it official?? Holy shit man! Stoked for you! Does this mean we’ll finally get to meet her?

↳↳ @theilyarozanov No Marly, I want her as far as possible from your “poor taste” and “errors in judgement”

↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow 😫 I may deserve it, but doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

↳↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov I am kidding, she is here come over

↳↳↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

“Ilya what the fuck??”

Ilya affects an air of innocence. It is far from convincing. “What? We are changing the narrative. The narrative now says I have girlfriend named Jane. Very straight-passing of me.”

“But you don’t have a girlfriend named Jane.”

“I do not have a girlfriend named Jane, but maybe I want a boyfriend named Shane. And maybe I want him to meet Marly, who is such a good friend he lied for me today, all because my Shane asked him to.”

Shane splutters. “So you’re just gonna ambush me into becoming your boyfriend?”

“All is fair in love and war, no? I think you proved this today. So. Is my turn now,” Ilya answers, sporting a grin so broad it could put the Cheshire cat out of business.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Chapter Summary

Shane and Ilya figure out what they are to each other.
Marlow meets Jane.
Shane finally talks to his parents.

Chapter Notes

I'm a fully grown adult so obviously my reaction to my cat getting euthanized yesterday is to not deal with the grief at all and sit my ass down to write this fic.
Hope you enjoy the read now that I've made it super weird with this preface. If it's not as funny as the other chapters, blame the universe. 🫠

“If I agree to becoming your boyfriend, what does it mean?” asks Shane, heart pounding. “Like. Specifically.”

“Means we are exclusive,” Ilya blurts, like his teeth are no longer an effective barrier to hold in the words.

“Okay, and?”

Ilya frowns. “What do you mean, and?”

Shane rolls his eyes. “There’s more to being a boyfriend than not fucking other people, Ilya.”

“Oh.” Ilya chews on his bottom lip. “Like what?”

“Ilya, have you never been a boyfriend before?”

Ilya’s cheeks grow pink and he looks away – that is answer enough.

“All right well, I have. So here’s what I would expect from a boyfriend. First of all, I want to talk regularly. Every day if possible.”

Ilya nods eagerly. “I can do this, yes.”

“Okay but I don’t mean just sexting. I mean actual conversations, even if it’s just about silly things that happened during our days. And talking about what we’re actually thinking or feeling, instead of shutting each other out.”

Ilya hesitates. “I want this – talking with you. But being open about thoughts and feelings is difficult. I am not sure how to do this.”

“I’m not great at it either, but as long as we both commit to trying, we can learn together.”

“Okay.” Ilya smiles softly.

“Also, if I agree to be your boyfriend and you hurt me and disappear on me again like you did earlier this year, I’m going to hunt you down and make you regret it. And as you’ve seen today, I am capable of absolute insanity, so.”

Ilya cringes. “I am sorry I hurt you. I promise I will not disappear again. And I will tell you what happened that made me act like this, another time.” He reaches for Shane’s hand and squeezes it gently. “Not because those reasons make my actions okey, but because I would like to share more about the difficult things in my life. With you.”

Shane smiles and nods once. “Okay.”

“Okey?”

“Okay. Ask me properly.”

Ilya reaches for Shane across the couch, manhandling and arranging him so he is seated in Ilya’s lap. Ilya cups Shane’s cheek and peers into his eyes. “Shane Hollander. Will you do me the honor of becoming my boyfriend?”

Shane grins so broadly his cheeks hurt. “Yes. Boyfriends.” He crushes his lips against Ilya’s, teeth clashing as they giddily attempt to make out.

Just as things start to grow heated, the doorbell rings.

“Ah,” Ilya sighs, “that will be Marly.”

@jjboiziau

A true ally would help a gay out (@shanehollander) and retrace his steps to find out who starred in this gay porno aka who #HungBottom is. Just saying!

@cliffmarlow Therefore, I would also like to apologize to the LGBTQIA+ community for any harm I may have inadvertently caused. I will keep learning and do my best to be a true ally moving forward (3/4)

↳ @cliffmarlow sorry man, I really don’t remember. But it was def amateur, no big name pornstar.

↳↳ @jjboiziau ah marde! Guess we’ll have to keep #HungBottom trending until we find him.

@cliffmarlow

Hello again everyone, as my first gesture of good faith towards the LTBGAI community, I would like to remind everyone to keep #HungBottom trending so we can help @shanehollander get a boyfriend.

@jjboiziau ah marde! Guess we’ll have to keep #HungBottom trending until we find him.

↳ @haydenpike pretty sure it’s LGBT, moron

↳↳ @victorstsimon no no I am sure there are other letters too he is right, just wrong order

↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow what’s the right order?

↳↳↳↳ @victorstsimon fuck if I know

@cliffyyyyyy

Me just waiting for them to figure out that Marlow’s original apology tweets had all the correct letters in the correct order 🍿

↳ @harrisdrover shhhh don’t tell them, I wanna see how many hockey players it takes to get it right 🍿

↳↳ @cliffyyyyyy 🤐

@haydenpike

2S/LGBTQIA+ @cliffmarlow @victorststimon

↳ @cliffmarlow Lesbian, gay, bi, trans. What’s the rest of the letters for?

↳↳ @haydenpike Google is free, you know

↳↳↳ @victorstsimon lol you have no idea either

↳↳↳↳ @haydenpike … fuck off

@mrsrozanov

Why are people still talking to Marlow after the shit he pulled??

↳ @harrisdrover Nobody cares about the prank anymore. 1) We care that 3 NHL players just came out. 2) We want to find #HungBottom. 3) We’re happy for Rozanov who has a (new?) girlfriend named Jane. Keep up!!

↳↳ @mrsrozanov he’s leaving me for another woman?? I am betrayed 😫

↳↳↳ @harrisdrover I… can’t tell if you’re serious or not. If you are, please seek professional help, this level of parasocial behavior is concerning 😬

@shanebugstan

Can anybody check on @shanehollander? He hasn’t tweeted anything on the vaguely-out-of-character-to-outright-concerning spectrum in over half an hour…

Marlow all but shoves Ilya aside and bullies his way deeper into the apartment. “Where is she? Jaaaaaane!”

“Hello to you too Marly, you forget manners?” Ilya calls after him.

“I just took the fall for something I didn’t do, to help you out. Everybody thinks I’m an idiot now. We’re past manners,” Marlow calls over his shoulder as he walks down the hallway, peaking into every room he passes.

“Marly, everybody already thinks you are stupid,” Ilya says, trailing behind.

“Yeah, yeah, love you too, bro.”

Marlow stops so abruptly in the living room’s doorway that Ilya nearly collides with him. “Hollander? What are you doing here?”

Shane shifts in his seat on the couch. “Uh, hey Marly. Sorry I didn’t tell you I was here when we spoke earlier.”

Marlow’s brows are drawn together in obvious confusion. “Why are you here? And where’s Jane?”

Ilya clasps Marlow’s shoulder. “Marly, I would like you to meet my Montreal Jane.”

Marlow still isn’t getting it. “Yeah… so… where is she?”

Ilya raises his eyebrows and gestures to Shane, who is twitching nervously. Shane slowly raises his hand and offers a small wave.

Marlow is still scanning the space as if Jane could pop out of the woodwork. He is not computing, and Ilya sighs in exasperation. “Do we need to put you on concussion protocol again, Marly? My Montreal Jane is my Montreal Shane.”

Marlow’s eyes widen comically as his jaw drops. His Adam’s apple bobs, but no sound comes out. He stares and stares and stares and stares at Shane, gaze perfectly blank.

Shane switches back into project manager mode. “I think you broke him, Ilya. Let’s get him seated.”

The spell finally breaks when Shane rises from the couch. Marlow’s head snaps toward Ilya. “You mean to tell me the girl who’s been making you blush since your fucking rookie season is Shane Hollander?” he hisses.

Ilya hesitates at the venom in Marlow’s tone. “Um. Yes?” He doesn’t think now is a good time to remind Marlow that Russians do not blush.

Marlow turns back to Shane, who is hovering awkwardly a few feet away. “You remember that one time the Montreal-Boston game was cancelled because of a snowstorm? He kicked a trash can and airport security had to come give him a stern talking to. He ever tell you that?” he asks conversationally.

Shane flushes. “Uh… no? He didn’t even reply to my text saying we’d reschedule. Didn’t say anything at all until the day before our next game against each other.”

Marlow rounds on Ilya. “This is how you treat your boyfriend? Your boyfriend who is The Shane Motherfucking Hollander, generational talent and best player in the league? What the fuck is wrong with you!”

Shane’s shoulders drop in relief and he lets out a pleased huff. “Yeah Ilya, what the fuck!”

Ilya realizes he’d clenched his fists and wills himself to relax. “Was not my boyfriend back then!” he mockingly raises his hands in a pacifying gesture.

Marlow rolls his eyes. “That’s not the point, Roz. The point is when you pull someone who’s out of your league, you treat them right so they don’t notice they could do better,” he explains, as if Ilya was a particularly slow child.

“You think he is out of my league!” Ilya squawks indignantly.

“No baby, you’re a perfect 10 too,” Shane cuts in sweetly, stepping closer to pat Ilya’s forearm. Ilya can’t tell whether Shane is just humoring him. “I’m still a better player than you, though.”

“Wait!” Marlow exclaims, before Shane and Ilya can start bickering and volleying their respective statistics. “So Roz, you’re what? Gay? Bi?”

“I am bisexual,” Ilya confirms, affecting nonchalance as if this weren’t the very first time he’d spoken the words aloud.

“Okay rad. And the pictures, they were… from your porn stash?”

Ilya grimaces. “Ah… no.”

Marlow’s eyes widen again. “Roz, were those your pictures?” he whisper-shouts.

“Ah… yes.”

Marlow’s jaw works. “And… is that Hollander with you?”

Ilya’s gaze finds Shane, who simply coughs and looks away. “Yes, Marly.”

Marlow turns to Shane, maintaining a carefully level tone. “You’re telling me that pictures of you having gay sex got leaked, and you came out. Convinced hockey Twitter that Roz isn’t queer. Got other players to come out. Then led the Internet on a wild goose chase to find Hung Bottom. Who was Roz all along?!”

Shane smirks. “Pretty much. Except Hung Bottom is me, not Ilya.”

Shocked doesn’t even begin to cover the look on Marlow’s face. He seems well and truly gobsmacked. “WHAT! YOU STARTED A WITCH HUNT FOR YOURSELF?!!!!”

“Yeah. I did.” Shane chuckles, supremely pleased with himself. Ilya wants to bite his rosy cheeks.

“So all of that today, that was just…?”

“Pulling focus to distract people, changing the narrative away from Ilya’s queerness, and ensuring the Russian government doesn’t think Ilya broke their propaganda law. Yeah. Just that.”

“My boyfriend is master strategist, yes!” Ilya interjects proudly.

“Bro he is way too cool for you, how did you even manage to pull all of that!” Marlow gestures vaguely at Shane, eyeing Ilya skeptically.

@shanehollander

Sorry folks, was busy making a boyfriend!

@shanebugstan Can anybody check on @shanehollander? He hasn’t tweeted anything on the vaguely-out-of-character-to-outright-concerning spectrum in over half an hour…

↳ @shanebugstan OMFG IS IT #HUNGBOTTOM ????!!!!

↳↳ @shanehollander maybe 🤷‍♂️

↳↳↳ @shanebugstan WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander well he’s definitely hung 😉

↳↳↳↳↳ @shanebugstan sooooo… not a bottom then?

↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanebugstan @shanehollander come back! The people need to know!

@i_resent_rozanov

Everybody say it with me: Gay Hockey Jesus! Gay Hockey Jesus! Gay Hockey Jesus!

@shanehollander Sorry folks, was busy making a boyfriend!

@haydenpike

Does this mean it’s time to call off the #HungBottom search parties?

@shanehollander Sorry folks, was busy making a boyfriend!

↳ @shanehollander well doesn’t hurt to keep looking 🤷‍♂️

↳↳ @shanehollander asdhflkhdsfiew

↳↳↳ @haydenpike Everything okay, bud?

@shanehollander this is Shane’s boyfriend, Shane has no need for any other man but me. Keep your dicks out of his DMs, OR ELSE 🤬

↳ @yunahollander @shanehollander ’s boyfriend, if you want be on my good side you’ll answer Shane’s phone and put it against his ear

↳↳ @shanehollander yes ma’am 🫡

“Shane! Hi!” Yuna exclaims, sounding winded.

“Hi mom.” Shane replies sullenly, glaring at Ilya and making another futile attempt to recover his phone. Ilya bats Shane’s hands away and shakes his head. Ilya is obviously trying to score brownie points with Shane’s mom, the suck-up.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. I’m okay.”

“And you’re gay?”

“Yes, I’m gay.”

“And you have a boyfriend?”

“Yes, I have a boyfriend.”

“Okay. Okay. Good.”

“Good?” Shane is surprised.

“Of course honey, I’m glad you figured out something important about yourself. And that you have someone to love you in the way you deserve.”

“Oh,” Shane protests. “It’s not really like that. We only just got together.”

“Oh. When did you get together?”

“Officially? About an hour ago.”

“And unofficially?”

His mom sounds genuinely interested. Shane forces himself to forge on. “A little over four years.”

“Four years! That’s. Wow.” Yuna's voice quivers. She sounds torn. “I’m… I’m happy for you." She exhales a shaky breath. "Um… now that we know about him, we’d love to welcome your boyfriend into our family. When do we get to meet this nice young man of yours?”

Shane guffaws and tries to convert the noise into a cough. He fails. He kicks Ilya in the shins, trying to get the other man to stop snickering. “Uh… he’s here now. We could Facetime?” Shane glances at Ilya, who nods his consent.

“Sure honey, let me just get your dad.” His mom sounds genuinely excited. Shane feels sick.

Once they’ve set up the videochat, Shane clears his throat. “Mom, dad, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend,” he says stiffly, tilting the phone to include Ilya in the frame.

“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hollander, it is nice to meet you. I am Ilya Rozanov,” Ilya introduces himself politely, albeit unnecessarily.

His parents freeze and Shane wonders whether the Internet connection is unstable. The moment stretches uncomfortably long as Shane notices that his parents are, in fact, blinking – there are apparently no Internet issues, just pure, unfettered shock.

David recovers first. “Nice to meet you, Ilya. I’m looking forward to getting to know you.” He smiles kindly. He elbows Yuna.

“Yes, hello. Nice to meet you, uh, Roz- Ilya,” she finally says in a stilted tone. “So Shane… your Twitter presence today… this has to do with the leak.”

Shane gulps. “Yeah, mom. It’s about the leak.”

@downbad4roz

Soooo any updates you can share about Jane, @cliffmarlow?

@cliffmarlow dude, did you guys finally make it official?? Fuck yeah man! Stoked for you! Does this mean we’ll finally get to meet her?

@cliffmarlow

I do: @theilyarozanov has MAD GAME for pulling Jane, I’m still not over it. What in the actual fuck.

@downbad4roz Soooo any updates you can share, @cliffmarlow?

↳ @theilyarozanov 😏

↳↳ @downbad4roz I can’t even comprehend how much of a baddie Jane has to be for anyone to imply that she’s out of Roz’s league, when Roz is at the top of his game and looks like he walked straight out of an Ancient Greek sculptor’s wet dream

↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov Is simple. My Jane is the best, the baddest, the most beautiful, and the most brilliant 🥰

@haydenpike

Whaaat is happening to the mean, green, Russian hockey machine

@theilyarozanov Is simple. My Jane is the best, the baddest, the most beautiful, and the most brilliant 🥰

↳ @cliffmarlow I mean he’s not wrong though

↳↳ @theilyarozanov Marly back the fuck off, Jane is mine 🤬 do not make me regret introducing you

↳↳↳ @cliffmarlow 🤪

“Are those pictures… of you two?” Yuna asks, clearly aiming for a tactful tone and missing by a mile.

Ilya’s eyes dart to Shane, who nods stiffly. “Yeah, they are. Did, uh. Did you see them?”

Yuna winces. “Would you rather I lie?”

Shane has never been more mortified in all his 23 years of existence. He wants to die. He stares at the ceiling and feels his cheeks and neck burning scarlet.

“Hey, hey, Shane,” Ilya mutters, squeezing Shane’s trapezius muscle. “Is okey. You will be okey.”

“I didn’t see them,” David offers genially.

“Probably best to stay off Twitter, then,” Shane replies tightly.

“On the subject of Twitter…” Yuna pauses, appearing to run through the past few hours in light of these newly uncovered facts. She seems to reach a conclusion. “You aren’t having a very public mental health breakdown. This is calculated.”

Ilya appears delighted and Shane looks askance at him. “What? Your mother is very smart. I see where you get it from.”

Yuna huffs. “Yes, well, he also put his career on the line to cover for you. He gets his bleeding heart from his father.”

Shane bristles. “Mom I didn’t just do this on a whim, Ilya is Russian. Leaked pictures of him having gay sex pose a very real threat to his safety. I'm the only other person who knew the truth, I couldn’t just stand by and let it happen. I had to change the narrative.”

Yuna’s eyes soften. “You must really love him.”

Shane flushes, looking away but saying nothing. Ilya stares at him with an unguardedly hopeful expression.

David shoots a glance at Yuna and deftly changes the subject. “So. Yuna, Shane, I’m sure you’ll want to make a plan for the fall-out of today’s… Twitter adventures.”

@shanehollander

To everyone wondering whether today was a fever dream or whether I temporarily lost my grasp on reality, I’d like to reassure you: I am of sound mind and body. I came out impulsively but it was my choice. I stand by the boundaries I expressed and the way I handled strangers overstepping said boundaries in my DMs. I also don't regret getting #HungBottom trending, tbh it was hilarious. (1/7)

The thing is, when you’re a public figure, people expect you to act a certain way. For me, that has always been according to the image that was created for me, when I became a brand: The Shane Hollander, Star Hockey Player. Except that image is not really me, Shane the person. (2/7)

I have a reputation as a polite, goodie two-shoes, hockey robot. And that’s not completely wrong, I’m not one for partying or reckless behavior, I try to be sportsmanlike on and off the ice, I’m very focused on hockey. But if I’m not on camera, or if I'm around my people, I curse like a sailor. I’m a bit of an asshole. I experience the full spectrum of human emotions. (3/7)

However, as one of the only Asian players in this league, being my true self has never really been an option. Ask any athlete of color in any sport: we’re held to higher standards. We’re seen as stand-ins for entire demographics, and when we’re anything less than perfect it reflects poorly on everybody else. (4/7)

It’s never just ‘Shane Hollander hasn’t led his team to a Stanley Cup yet’ (even though I’ve only captained my team through two seasons), it’s ‘Hollander failed to lead his team through a successful Cup run, do Asians even belong in hockey?’ (5/7)

So you see, I never show the public my true self, because it’s been instilled in me from a young age that I need to be a role model, to help carve out a place in this sport for future generations of Asian players. And so I wouldn’t be punished for so-called ‘failures’ while still performing better than the vast majority of my (white) peers. (6/7)

But today I realized I’m so fucking tired. I’m gay, I’m Asian, I’m occasionally a bitch, and life’s too short to pretend I’m none of those things. So, take it or leave it, but moving forward I’m gonna act like myself instead of a brand. ✌️ (7/7)

Liked and retweeted by @yunahollander, @haydenpike, @jjboiziau, @scotthunter @ericbennett @cartervaughn, @cliffmarlow, @victorstsimon, @theilyarozanov, and more

@ourlordandsavior24

Who wants to bet the league is going to prove Hollander right and retaliate for all of today, even though he did nothing wrong?

@shanehollander So you see, I never show the public my true self, because it’s been instilled in me from a young age that I need to be a role model, to help carve out a place in this sport for future generations of Asian players. And so I wouldn’t be punished for so-called ‘failures’ while still performing better than the vast majority of my (white) peers. (6/7)

Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Chapter Summary

A meeting with the Commissioner.
Another Twitter campaign.
The big reveal.

Chapter Notes

The next morning

“Good morning everyone, thank you for hopping onto this call on such short notice.” Roger Crowell kicks the meeting off with a terse smile, peering into his webcam which is positioned at an unflattering angle.

Ilya, Shane, Marly, Hunter, and Bennett are all in attendance on the Skype call. Ilya is joining from his home office, while Shane is sitting on the couch on the other side of the apartment.

Shane leans in first, unmuting himself. “Good morning, Commissioner,” Shane says levelly, maintaining a perfect mask of composure.

Once everyone else has murmured their polite greetings, Crowell continues. “Now. Can somebody please walk me through everything that happened yesterday?” Despite the seemingly cordial phrasing, Ilya cannot help but notice the undercurrent of displeasure coloring the Commissioner’s tone.

Five pairs of eyes dart across the screen. After a moment, Shane sighs and takes the lead again. “Well, Rozanov was the victim of a cyberattack and some… explicit pictures were leaked.”

Crowell’s jaw clenches. Based on this reaction, Ilya is almost certain the Commissioner has seen the pictures. Of their dicks. Of Shane’s butthole.

Shane flushes slightly: he’s probably come to the same conclusion as Ilya. “And then I came out as gay. Then Hunter and Bennett also came out. And Marlow publicly apologized for pranking Rozanov with those pictures. That’s the gist of it.” Shane mutes himself and leans back. The other players nod in confirmation.

“I see. Thank you for the summary, Mr. Hollander. What about the, er, other explicit pictures that were shared?”

“Ah, yes. I made a harmless joke that I’d love to know the identity of one of the men appearing in the leaked pictures. The Internet took that as an invitation to bombard and harass me with, ah, intimate images attesting to their arousal. I reacted accordingly,” Shane continues serenely. Ilya bites the inside of his cheek in an effort to contain a smile, while Hunter and Bennett each hide their mouths behind their hands; Marly is less successful, visibly tittering on screen.

“You did quite a lot more than that, Mr. Hollander,” Crowell interjects sternly.

“How so?” Shane asks, sporting his game face: focused, determined, implacable. God, he’s so sexy, Ilya thinks.

“I was informed that you instigated a public humiliation campaign, targeting members of your fanbase.” Crowell’s nostrils flare briefly; his façade is beginning to crack, Ilya notes gleefully.

“Mm,” Shane answers noncommittally. “Perhaps it would be best to check your sources.”

“That’s what I’m doing now,” Crowell volleys back through gritted teeth.

Shane shrugs and settles more comfortably into the couch, feigning nonchalance. “The way I see it, I successfully demonstrated the importance of consent and of respecting boundaries to dozens of fans who felt entitled to overstep simply because I am a gay public figure.”

“You should have trusted systems to handle it rather than launch a vendetta against Twitter.” Crowell’s face is growing more and more red. It’s quite satisfying to observe.

Shane scoffs. “Trusted which systems? Would Twitter have done anything? Would the League? What would you even have done, Commissioner? Have the PR department issue a polite statement requesting that fans refrain from sending dick pics to the NHL’s star athletes, unless they have consent?”

“Perhaps, yes.”

Shane chuckles unpleasantly. “Oh wow, that’s rich. Considering.”

“Considering what?” Crowell all but spits out.

“Considering this league clearly does not value queer players at all. If it did, there would be workplace policies banning and fining homophobic slurs both on and off the ice. Nor does it value consent as a concept at all. Or have you forgotten all of the players who have been accused of sexual harassment and assault, only to face zero consequences from their employer?”

Ilya’s eyes widen. He wants to run across his home to smack twenty or so kisses all over Shane’s face. Maybe twenty-four, he thinks idly. Shane would appreciate the attention to detail.

“Mr. Hollander, you go too far. The NHL trusts the justice system to handle such accusations. And has no issues with the TLBG community,” Crowell enunciates slowly.

“LGBTQIA+,” Marly cuts in.

“What?” Crowell seems baffled, maybe over the correction, or maybe he forgot there were other players on the call besides Shane.

“Lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer or questioning, intersex, asexual or aromantic, and more. LGBTQIA+,” Marly beams proudly. “There’s also Two-Spirit, that’s for Indigenous people, or pansexual, which is kind of like bisexual but not but also I’m not clear on the difference, and…”

“Thank you, Mr. Marlow.” Crowell seems irritated. Good. “Of course, the League welcomes players of all, uh, proclivities. Other than lesbians,” he adds in an afterthought.

“Well, what if a player comes out as a trans woman who’s a lesbian?” Marlow looks concerned.

“We will cross that bridge if and when we get there,” Crowell bites out. “Regardless. The league welcomes players of all ethnicities and inclinations.”

“Sir, could you refresh my mind?” Hunter interjects smoothly.

“Yes, about what?”

“You have never played professional hockey, correct? I think I read that somewhere,” Hunter continues.

Crowell obviously knows where this is going. “Correct.”

“Well then, respectfully, how would you know? If you haven’t played yourself, and you rely on reports and complaints from your players and staff? None of whom have disclosed being queer up until yesterday?” Hunter’s tone is gentle and patient, as if Crowell were a difficult child. If he didn’t agree with the point being made, Ilya would chirp Hunter endlessly for acting like a father to someone twice his age.

“I see your point, Mr. Hunter,” Crowell concedes. He does not sound like he agrees with the dinosaur’s assessment. “What I would like to know is how all of this is connected.”

“What do you mean?” Bennett chimes in.

“I don’t yet know how, but it’s clear to me you’re all in cahoots.”

Shane blinks. For the first time all morning, he seems surprised by a turn in the conversation. Ilya jumps in. “What, you think Hollander convinced Marlow to prank me? Then hired hacker? Why, to make me so ashamed I lose lead in scoring race?” Ilya scoffs condescendingly. “Ridiculous. He is gay. Would not consider gay porn a source of shame or humiliation.”

“Obviously not. But you have to admit, timing his coming out announcement with this leak is suspicious,” Crowell argues stubbornly.

“Can a man not come out to steal thunder from rival? Because he is jealous of attention I am getting, when people think they are seeing my naked body? Is this against NHL rules? Shall we check? Hollander knows rulebook by heart, we can ask him.”

“Nope, none of that is against the rules,” Shane smirks.

“The rest is connected, both Hunter and I agreed to come out in solidarity with Hollander. We didn’t tell him ahead of time, though,” Bennett supplies. “And the, uh, second set of explicit pictures are a consequence of the first set of explicit pictures, as we’ve established. But I think it’s clear that Hollander didn’t do anything to actually mess with Rozanov. He just came out and said those probably weren’t pictures of his rival. Which Marlow then confirmed. But none of it was malicious, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“Wasn’t it?” Crowell smiles menacingly. “Why make it about so-called homophobia and racism, then?”

Ilya rushes to answer before Shane. “Because league has big homophobia and racism problem. Even straight and white players have noticed this.”

“Yeah,” Marlow nods sagely.

“Exactly,” Hunter concurs.

“We’ve all noticed it,” adds Bennett.

“So,” Ilya claps once. “I was victim of crime, did nothing wrong. Marlow was wrong, but apologized already. Others came out, also did nothing wrong. No need for league intervention. Are we done here?”

Crowell frowns, having been outwitted at every turn. “The genitalia ratings were inappropriate and should not go unsanctioned.”

“Are you sure, Commissioner? Perhaps you should look me up on Twitter. It seems I’m trending again,” Shane offers, an aggressively polite grin plastered on his face.

@ourlordandsavior24

Who wants to bet the league is going to prove Hollander right and retaliate for all of today, even though he did nothing wrong?

@shanehollander The thing is, as one of the only Asian players in this league, being my true self has never really been an option for me. Ask any athlete of color: we’re held to higher standards. We’re seen as stand-ins for entire demographics, and when we’re anything less than perfect it reflects poorly on everybody else. (4/7)

↳ @harrisdrover if they do, we riot. #ProtectHollander at all costs!!!

↳↳ @shanebugstan if the league is anything less than supportive of @shanehollander who LITERALLY MADE HISTORY as the first to come out in the ENTIRE NHL, WE RIDE AT DAWN!!!! #ProtectHollander

↳↳↳ @i_resent_rozanov @shanehollander you have my sword #ProtectHollander

↳↳↳↳ @hollover and my bow #ProtectHollander

↳↳↳↳↳ @downbad4roz AND MY AXE! (if Dwarves and Elves can become besties, I guess there can be a truce between Rozanov and Hollander fans for the greater good, by which I mean a gayer league) #ProtectHollander

@hockeyhickey

Does anybody else find @shanehollander about 1200% cooler now that he’s actually acting like himself?

@shanehollander But today I realized I’m so fucking tired. I’m gay, I’m Asian, I’m occasionally a bitch, and life’s too short to pretend I’m none of those things. So, take it or leave it, but moving forward I’m gonna act like myself instead of a brand. ✌️ (7/7)

↳ @hollover I mean he was already the GOAT but I love him even more now #ProtectHollander

↳↳ @hockeyhickey wdym protect Hollander??

↳↳↳ @hollover I mean this

@ourlordandsavior24 Who wants to bet the league is going to prove Hollander right and retaliate for all of today, even though he did nothing wrong?

↳↳↳↳ @hockeyhickey oh fuck, where do I sign up? #ProtectHollander

↳↳↳↳↳ @hollover @harrisdrover has been tweeting about it! #ProtectHollander

@harrisdrover

It has come to hockey fans’ attention that the NHL, the Bears, the Voyageurs, and the Admirals have yet to issue any statement regarding yesterday’s events. This is unacceptable. We issue the following demands and commit to boycotting games, merch, and any other NHL revenue stream, should these not be met. Please like and share widely if you agree! (1/5)

240k likes, 81k retweets

“I see,” Crowell states after scrolling social media for a few minutes. “In that case, we are indeed done here. I will have someone coordinate with the Bears, the Voyageurs, and the Admirals so none of you get benched. You can all go, except Hollander.”

Ilya complies and rushes to the living room, hoping to catch the tail end of the conversation.

“I still think you’re behind all of this somehow, Hollander.”

“Oh, Commissioner. Haven’t you heard? I’m Gay Hockey Jesus. I preach and my disciples follow.” Shane grins wolfishly before leaving the call.

Ilya has no choice but to jump his bones.

@NHL

The NHL would like to extend sincere congratulations to @shanehollander, @scotthunter, and @ericbennett for coming out. Hockey is for everyone, and we are looking forward to taking more steps towards fostering an inclusive environment! (1/5)

NHL teams have been hosting Pride Nights since 2011. Additionally, the NHL partnered with @YouCanPlay last year to address homophobia within the sport. We are committed to continuing these efforts. (2/5)

As such, the NHL will be implementing sensitivity trainings for players and staff, which will cover various themes including as to the practice of pranking. Furthermore, we will be enforcing rules prohibiting the use of slurs by players and other staff, on and off the ice. (3/5)

We would also like to assure our fans that any attempt to trade or otherwise retaliate against queer players will be thoroughly investigated and sanctioned to the full extent of the league’s abilities. (4/5)

Lastly, we would like to express solidarity with @theilyarozanov, whose privacy was unfortunately breached yesterday. We will be looking into best practices to protect our athletes from cyberattacks. (5/5)

Twitter direct message thread

@shanehollander

Thanks for starting the #ProtectHollander trend, and for keeping momentum going, and for issuing the list of demands!!

@harrisdrover

It was an absolute pleasure to be in service to the cause of making hockey gayer. Thanks for brainstorming what the demands should be, I literally couldn’t have done it without you!

@shanehollander

Of course!

Good luck with getting into your Comms program, I really think you have a bright future ahead of you 😊 You’d be a great social media manager!

Please reach out if you ever need an internship, I’m sure my manager, agent, and publicist would appreciate some help doing damage control (now that I intend to stop censoring myself haha)

@harrisdrover

Are you serious!!! Omg!!! Thank you, Gay Hockey Jesus!

A few years later

@theilyarozanov

Pleased to announce I finally get to play with MY #HungBottom @shanehollander, who has been taking my 9 inch cock like a champ since 2010 🥵🤤 yes that was us in *those pictures*, yes I am bisexual, no I will not date or fuck any of you randos

↳ @shanehollander Sorry guys, I started the hunt for #HungBottom to throw you off the scent so my love would stay safe. But yeah, that was my ass and my so-called pornstar dick you all drooled over 😉

↳↳ @OttawaCentaurs You guys are trying to kill me

↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov Sorry Harris

↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander Sorry Harris

↳↳↳↳↳ @OttawaCentaurs No you’re not

↳↳↳↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov 😇

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander 🏳️‍🌈🏒✝️🏆

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov you know Shane, I think you will need to retire the Gay Hockey Jesus title. I was, after all, the first out queer NHL player 😉

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander counteroffer, I keep the title, and you get Bi Hockey Jesus 🏅

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov mmmm I may need some convincing from a certain well-endowed bottom 😏

↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳↳ @shanehollander I see. Perhaps that can be arranged 😈

@i_resent_rozanov

@shanehollander nooooo why him?!!

@theilyarozanov Pleased to announce I finally get to play with MY #HungBottom @shanehollander, who has been taking my 9 inch cock like a champ since 2010 🥵🤤 yes that was us in *those pictures*, yes I am bisexual, no I will not date or fuck any of you randos

↳ @shanehollander did you miss the bit about the 9 inch dick? Maybe you need to work on your reading comprehension (just kidding my love you’re so much more than your monster cock ❤️)

↳↳ @theilyarozanov ❤️❤️❤️

@hollover

Is it just me or did it suddenly get really hot in here? 🥵🥵🥵

@shanehollander Sorry guys, I started the hunt for #HungBottom to throw you off the scent so my love would stay safe. But yeah, that was my ass and my so-called pornstar dick you all drooled over 😉

↳ @lickmeshane no it’s not just you

↳↳ @lickmeshane now I get why he dissed every single dick pic we sent his way

↳↳↳ @hollover umm no, pretty sure that was because those were invasive af??!

↳↳↳↳ @lickmeshane potayto, potahto

↳↳↳↳↳ @hollover un-fucking-believable, you didn’t even learn your lesson. You should be ashamed of yourself

@boyaquarium

I get that it must have sucked for Rozanov to have his dick go viral, but wth is dangerous about that?

@shanehollander Sorry guys, I started the hunt for #HungBottom to throw you off the scent so my love would stay safe. But yeah, that was my ass and my so-called pornstar dick you all drooled over 😉

↳ @downbad4roz bro are you serious???

↳↳ @boyaquarium what?!

↳↳↳ @downbad4roz … did you forget that Rozanov is Russian??

↳↳↳↳ @boyaquarium no?

↳↳↳↳↳ @boyaquarium OH

@shanehollander

OR you wait until we’re married and then you get to be Mr. Gay Hockey Jesus 😉

@theilyarozanov you know Shane, I think you will need to retire the Gay Hockey Jesus title. I was, after all, the first out queer NHL player 😉

↳ @yunahollander Honey. Are you seriously telling the entire Internet about major news before telling your own parents. AGAIN???????

↳↳ @yunahollander Shane Hollander answer your goddamn phone

↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov give me a minute Yuna, I’ve got you

↳↳↳↳ @yunahollander that’s why you’re my favorite ❤️

↳↳↳↳↳ @theilyarozanov I know 😇

@ourlordandsavior24

I swear to god they’re trying to kill us via excess of excellent gay news 😭🌈

@shanehollander OR you wait until we’re married and then you get to be Mr. Gay Hockey Jesus 😉

↳ @theilyarozanov bi erasure 🤬

↳↳ @ourlordandsavior24 sorry king. ***via excess of excellent queer news

@hockeyhickey

Waiiiit a minute. Does that mean @cliffmarlow took the fall for a prank that never happened?

↳ @cliffmarlow yep! #ally

↳↳ @hockeyhickey thank you for your service, @cliffmarlow 🙏

@NHL

The NHL regrets to inform our fans that Commissioner Roger Crowell, who has served the organization for 25 years, lost his life in a tragic road accident. Our deepest condolences to his loved ones.

↳ @hollanovlives they truly did it. Killed someone with an excess of excellent gay news 😱

@ourlordandsavior24 I swear to god they’re trying to kill us via excess of excellent gay news 😭🌈

↳↳ @shanebugstan hope you hire a commissioner who isn’t a bigot, this time around 🙄

↳↳↳ @yunation may I suggest the Queen Mother herself? @yunahollander for Commissioner!!

↳↳↳↳ @harrisdrover I can work with that 👀

Chapter End Notes

Because I couldn't put it in the tags without spoiling the ending:
"No beta we die like Roger Fucking Crowell" 😂

Thanks for the inspo re: Commissioner Yuna, CissyNoir !!