Chapter 1
Wyatt Hayes added you to a new chat. Wyatt Hayes renamed the chat ‘Help me’.
Help me
Nick Hazy what is this? Dysktra Dude are you okay???? Barrett You need me to call Weibe? Hazy No. I am not. Bood Hazy you’re freaking me out bro Boyle emphasised this message. Hazy When Hollzy got traded to us I thought these are going to be our fucking years Hazy I was picturing a future of multiple Stanleys Hazy An actually FULL stadium Hazy Of OUR fans LaPointe You know if you want our help, you need to actually tell us what the issue is??? Hazy I had big dreams Hazy And for the first years, yes, those dreams were fulfilled Hazy But now I am paying for it Hazy In a way that hurts me Nick @LaPointe Attitude Rook! Bood What is this fool on about? � Dysktra I don’t know he’s being dramatic again Nick Can we get to the point please Hazy Hazy I did not expect to have to put up with the absolutely TRAUMATIC sex noises coming from Cap’s room Nick Hazy are you fucking serious Young lol Barrett I’m asking for a transfer in the morning. Boyle 🤨 Bood This fucking guy Bood I thought this was something serious Bood Was picturing a midnight trip to the ER Bood Just go to sleep Dykstra ^^^ Hazy Don’t you think I’ve tried? Hazy Does anyone have space in their rooms?? Hazy Hello???
Help me
Hazy GUYS Hazy I seriously can't take this anymore Hazy Why did I get the room next to them YET AGAIN Bood Because you're a sucker who forgets to ask Coach to put you elsewhere LOL Nick LOL Dykstra Jesus do they ever stop??? Dillon Apparently not Dillon I literally caught them in the locker room this morning Holmberg Hahahahaha Hazy I wouldn’t be laughing too hard, ur next asshole @Holmberg Holmberg �
zentaurs
Holmy these old fuckers Holmy how is roz not breaking a hip Holmy he’s like 50 Boyle emphasised this message. Young LMAOOOOOOOOO Young i’m dead Haas they’re thirty you idiot Haas also how do u know its roz giving Young … be for real luca Young why’s he pretending like he doesn’t know this already Young sus Luca Haas disliked this message. Boyle LOLLLLLLLL LaPointe What is wrong with u guys? LaPointe left the chat. Boyle what’s up his ass Young he’s a millenial in spirit Young its terminal 😔
Help me
Bood Anyone else seeing this extremely obvious bullshit? Dillon Unfortunately � Nick Seeing what?? Bood Don’t look at Roz or Hollzy if you don’t want to be scarred Hazy They’re fucking shameless Hazy They’re basically GRINDING Hazy I can actually see Roz’s hand squeezing Hollzy’s ass Young i meannnnnnn Young it is a nice ass Dykstra … Barrett If Roz ever sees this chat you’re so dead Nick Chouinard emphasised this message. Boyle 😀 Young he doesn’t scare me Bood and (8) others reacted to this message. Haas rightttt Haas so if I shared a screenshot of this to Roz you’re totally fine with that? Young fuck no Young I take it back Haas lmao Young teacher’s pet 🙄 Luca Haas disliked this message. Nick Jesus Nick Not to be the PDA police but this is out of control Dykstra and (6) others reacted to this message. Bood HAHAHA Zane Boodram changed the chat name to PDA Police.
The PDA Police
Bood If something doesn’t change very soon I’m breaking Hollzy’s glasses Bood When he wears them Roz makes me feel ILL with how down bad he is Bood It’s pathetic Hazy and (11) others reacted to this message.
zentuars
Boyle i’m just gonna come out and say it Boyle i think we need to stage an intervention Boyle for #hollanov to stop fucking Boyle it’s been THREE times Boyle in ONE night Young Agreed Boyle surely hollzy is not gonna be able to skate properly tomorrow Boyle like there’s no way right??? Holmy HAHAHAHA Holmy honestly good for them lowkey Young jfc Young if we lose to san fran tomo because hollzy got plowed three times in a night i’m gonna kms Haas This feels inappropriate Holmy @Haas YOUR DADS HAD SEX Luca Haas disliked this message. Haas and we’d never lose because of Shane Hollander Boyle aw Haas your little crush is so cute Luca Haas disliked this message.
The PDA Police
Bood Hate to be the bearer of bad news here but I think it might actually be worse with Hollzy gone ��� Bood Roz just spent 40 minutes showing me pictures of the two of them and complaining about Hollzy’s photoshoot Bood 40 MINUTES
zentuars
Boyle again bringing up the intervention idea Haas if u want to put ur life on the line for embarrassing Hollzy go for it Haas leave me out of it please Young @Haas BORING Young @Boyle i’m down Holmy same Holmy i need my eight hours Young we just have to make the others think it’s their idea so Roz and Hollzy think we’re not involved Young i have an idea Haas i just want to state for the record i want no involvement in this Young 😏
zentuars
Young everyone seeing Dykstra & Hazy yawning this morning Young the plan is in motion Young thanks to our haasy 😘 Haas 🖕🖕🖕 Haas From now on I want no more involvement. Young 😏
The PDA Police
Dykstra Right Dykstra Me and Hazy have been falling asleep all day Dykstra This needs to stop Dykstra It’s intervention time LaPointe liked this message. Bood You sure man?? Bood I don’t want Hollzy to khs from embarrassment Nick LOL so true Dykstra YES I’M SURE Dykstra I can never look Hazy in the eye again after what we endured last night Barrett Do what you want but leave me out of it please.
Dykstra added you to a new chat. Dykstra renamed the chat ‘Intervention’.
Roz What is this Shane ? Dykstra This is an intervention. Troy Barrett left the chat. Zane Boodram added Troy Barrett to the chat. Dykstra For the two of you. Shane I don’t understand. Bood My man Bood No one hates sayin this more than me Bood But this is a sex intervention Shane What??? Roz The fuck Nick I’m sorry guys but we’ve all been hearing and seeing stuff we should never have seen Nick Just thought you should know and you know maybe tone the PDA down a notch Hazy We all thought it was just a honeymoon phase but it's been five years and it’s still non stop!!!! Bood and (10) others emphasised this message. LaPointe It is a bit much. Shane I’m really, really sorry, it won’t happen again. Roz Uh Roz No Roz We are not sorry Roz This is very homophobic Roz I’m very disappointed in all of you 😣 Barrett Shut the fuck up 🙄 Roz It is! Shane I’m really sorry you guys heard anything Shane This is so embarrassing Roz Look what you all did Roz Your captain is not happy with you Roz Bagskates for all tomorrow Roz Except for moya lybov 😘 Roz We are good looking and married and in love, is normal to be sexually active Hazy I’m sorry but no. There’s sexually active and there’s YOU TWO Dykstra fucking ANIMALS Roz liked this message. Shane @Hazy I’m confused. We only have sex everyday? Shane That’s not that much, is it? Dykstra I can’t tell if you’re joking or not???? Bood These motherfuckers Bood Roz is getting Hollzy to fuck with us I just know it Shane I’m being serious? Roz 😊😏🐶 Nick Ugh why the dog emoji Nick Actually do not answer that under any circumstances Dykstra Wait is Hollzy actually being serious Roz Shut up Roz Shhhhhhhhh Roz Everyone is banned from speaking Roz No more talking Shane ??? Shane Is more than once a day actually a lot? Hazy MORE THAN ONCE A DAY???? Troy Barrett left the chat. Bood ��� Shane Yeah, sometimes @Hazy Holmy Maybe for dudes in their early twenties Holmy Not old married people Bood Watch it rook @Holmy Hazy Who are you calling old, Rook @Holmy Bood But he’s not wrong Hazy liked this message. Nick liked this message. Dykstra liked this message. Shane Wait so how often is normal?? Roz No one say another word or is bag skates and suicides everyday for month Shane Ignore him. Shane How often Hazy I don’t know like two times a week Bood When you have kids that goes down to once a week Bood If you’re lucky Nick Twice a month here � Shane Once a week? Shane Twice a month?? Shane Wow. Nick I have three kids!! Nick I’m tired Roz You are all just jealous Roz Fuckers Roz The rooks have said nothing Roz Clearly they are all fine with it Holmy no I’m with the vets on this one Holmy y’all nasty Haas I mean Haas Maybe just not in the store room cupboard from now on Haas People go in there and see things Haas Things they can’t unsee Boyle ‼ ‼ ‼ Shane Oh God. Young of course we’re fine with it! Young #loveislove Roz @Haas I am especially disappointed in you 😣 Roz You are now my favourite @Young Roz No bagskates for you @Young Young 😇
The PDA Police
Dykstra @Haas Rook why the FUCK did I just find out from coach that a few weeks ago you asked the travel team to book me and Hazy in the room next to THEM???? Dykstra You are in so much trouble tomorrow Rook Haas I’ve been here six years how am I still a rook????
Luca I hate you Young Sure you do 😘
Chapter 2
Chapter Summary shane decides they need to be 'normal'. ilya suffers. then everyone suffers.
Chapter Notes
aw few people asked for an update including more luca/young, shane holding a sex ban & luca/young being the cause of the new sounds... i hope u all enjoy <3
Google search history: Shane Hollander Laptop, Personal Today: 25 May 11:25 How often is normal to have sex? 11:38 How often do married couples have sex? 11:57 How often do married couples have sex gay? 12:30 How often do married couples have sex young couple? 13:25 Is having too much sex a bad thing? 14:12 Am I a sex addict?
Cens + Harris
Roz Practice at 7am tomorrow. Roz We will be doing suicides until someone is dead. Roz All except @Young. Sleep well my new favourite child. Young 😚😚 Bood Nah bro WTF Bood WHY? Nick What the hell? Dillon ????????????? Hazy I'm sick sorry can't come in tomorrow :( Hazy I have Dr's note Bood @Hazy Man fuck you Nick @Hazy From who, your wife???? Sorry I don't buy it. Dykstra WTH????? Roz @Dykstra Also you are banned from AUX. LaPointe @Roz Noted. Be there at 7. Shane Don't listen to him everyone, practice is at 9am as usual. Barrett Weibe has confirmed this^^^ Roz They are lying liars who lie Roz I am the captain not them Harris Do I need to get HR involved? What is going on? 😅 Harris @Roz Is this a cry for help? 😅 Dillon YES PLEASE Bood Yes Hazy SAVE US HARRIS !!!!!!! Nick Yes Roz Yes Harris Roz Is a cry for help Roz I am suffering 😣 Shane Ilya. Ilya 🤐 Hazy Ummm Dillon What was that??? Nick I’m afraid to find out… Dykstra @Harris Can you tell HR about me being AUX banned too? [14] people disliked this message.
zentuars
Holmy idk what to respond so imma just put a thumbs up ig Holmy don't wanna trigger cap anymore Boyle lmao what is up his ass fr Haas are we really pretending we don't know?? Young 🧐 Haas as I knew it would, @Young 's plan has backfired already!! Young stop being mean to me Young it turns me on Young it's inappropriate in the workplace Holmy 😵 Boyle 🫨 LaPointe left the chat. Boyle there he goes again 😔😔😔 Holmy gone but never forgotten 👼 Young rip Haas @Young u are ridiculous Young 😪
Google search history: Laptop 2 (Luca) Today: 26 May 23:40 How to tell if someone likes you reddit 23:45 How to tell if someone is flirting with you reddit 23:51 Crush at work help reddit
Ilya [Photo]. Shane😍 Why are you sending me shirtless pictures, I’m downstairs?
zentuars
Boyle ok boys listen UP Boyle i just heard hollzy and cap in the bathroom Boyle and i heard confirmation that there is indeed a sex ban occurring 🧐 Boyle but it seems to have turned into a competition on who can get who to fold first lmao Boyle also these fuckers are so fucking horny for each other its CRAZY Boyle but also like good for them Boyle i want that someday Holmy aw bro Holmy we started off gross but ended up wholesome as fuck Young im gonna manifest that for u boyle � Young you need to put this in the main chat @Boyle Young let them fix this Haas @Young I’ll take my apology anytime today thanks :) Young 🫨
Ilya [Photo]. Ilya [Photo]. Shane😍 Stop sending me dick picks. Ilya why Ilya Is making you ready to give in? Ilya 💦🍆🍑 Shane😍 You wish.
The PDA Police
Boyle i rlly don't want to get involved anymore but i should tell you there's a sex ban happening between roz and hollzy Boyle and it's turned into a competition on who can hold out the longest Boyle just letting everyone know Bood FFS Hazy Ah fuck Nick This is good right? Nick At least no more sex noises! Dykstra This is true Dykstra Mission accomplished right? Hazy Now the 7am practice & suicides are making sense Hazy Is this worth it?? Dillon Brilliant. Bood I hate my life Hazy This is like Jean Grey sacrificing herself to lift the blackbird Hazy Like, the X-Men won Hazy But at what cost??? Barrett See this is why I told you guys to leave their sex life alone Barrett Also we all know too much about each other Bood @Hazy Not rn bro Harris For the love of God, no one is allowed to post about this online!!!! Harris @Young I am looking at you especially 🤨
Ilya Link: Youtube/Ilya-Rozanov-Shirtless-Interview-Compilation/08289210
Cens + Weibe
Coach Hey all. Coach Room assignments for San Francisco:
Hollander + Rozanov Boyle + Holmberg Bood + Chouinard Dillon + Dykstra LaPointe + Hayes Haas + Young
Ilya Link: Healthline/Why-Having-Regular-Sex-Can-Be-Good-For-Your-Health/12693812/org.
zentuars
Boyle @Young @Haas me and holmy going out u guys comin?? Holmy wait where r u guys
The PDA Police
Dykstra Guys we need to do an intervention part 2 Dykstra Roz is creeping me out Dykstra I swear I feel like he's about to start frothing at the mouth Nick I actually felt a bit sick when Hollzy was doing his stretches yesterday... Nick Roz's face was so telling. Holmy EUGH LaPointe I've never seen him play so badly either! Hazy Holly is his kryptonite apparently Bood @Hazy Stop sneaking nerd shit into normal conversations bro Hazy @Bood :( Dillon Man it's been TWO DAYS of Holly's sex strike how is he this badly down Dillon Did I use that right? Young you did Young i'm so proud Boyle he's lying you didn't Young 😈😚
Ilya Link: Twitter/Ilya-Rozanov-Bicep-Pics-Thread/2382304
Cens + Weibe
Coach Hey guys, well done for pushing through, I know everyone's tired. Luckily we have a day off before our overnight flight to Dallas. But I expect everyone to be in the hotel lobby ready for the trip to SFI at 8pm. Coach Also, room assignments for Dallas:
Hollander + Rozanov Holmberg + Dykstra Boyle + LaPointe Haas + Young Dillon + Chouinard Bood + Hayes
Ilya Link: Youtube/Ilya-Rozanov-Dropping-Gloves-Compilation/387931020
The PDA Police
Dillon Okay heads up guys! Dillon One of them gave in. Nick I can confirm this. Nick Unfortunately. Dykstra What?? Dillon The bed squeaking is so loud Dillon The moaning is even louder... Nick It's 100% worse than before. Holmy its only been 4 days LMAO Dykstra Man, I'm gonna have to put up with all ur EDM bullshit for NOTHING. Hazy I just wanted to get a good nights sleep :( Bood ��� Barrett Can we please stop talking about their sex life now? Hazy I honestly can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing Dillon Bad. Nick Very bad.
Luca have you seen the group chat?? Luca this is so embarrassing Luca no one can find out Young don't stress, no one knows i promise Young trust me Young everyone still thinks i'm straight lol Young now come back to our room and i'll show u how not straight i am 😏
Ilya Link: Youtube/Ilya-Rozanov-Spitting-On-Ice-Compilation/20383924
The PDA Police
Holmy i thought u guys said they were fucking again????? Dillon They are. Nick We heard it. Holmy sooooo why is roz about to pass out watching hollzy do yoga? Holmy he does not look like a guy who got some last night Holmy my man is DROOLING Holmy but like in a pained way Boyle can confirm Boyle and hollzy is like smirking at him Hazy I’m so tired :( Dykstra Fucking hell Barrett Guys please Barrett Can we just have one day??? Nick I’m so confused.
Ilya Shane Ilya Come to gym toilets now please Ilya [Photo].
Luca fuck Luca they're gonna find out Young would that really be so bad? Luca are you joking?? Young no Young seriously why not Luca idk it just feels like a bad idea Luca we’re coworkers! Young so are roz and hollzy Luca yeah but they’re married Luca we’re not even dating Luca idk Luca what if we make things awkward Young why would we Luca like if we break up Luca not that i’m saying we’re dating Luca i didn’t mean that Young luca Young i really like you Young i want to be your boyfriend Luca wow okay Luca i really like you too Luca i want that too Luca to be your boyfriend i mean Young good Young problem solved 😚 Young now stop overthinking and lets facetime i want to see my new boyfriend 😚 Luca okay :)
Ilya Link: PsychologyToday/Why-Having-Lots-Of-Sex-Is-A-Sign-Of-A-Strong- Relationship/103389238 Ilya Link: PsychologyToday/Sex-Why-There's-No-Normal-Amount/21093308
Cens + Weibe
Coach Hey guys, room assignments for Boston:
Hollander + Rozanov Holmberg + Young Boyle + Dillon Haas + Dykstra LaPointe + Chouinard Bood + Hayes
Ilya [Screenshot: Google search page: Is sex more than seven times a week normal? Response: The concept of 'normal' sexual activity is highly subjective and varies greatly among individuals. Satisfaction with sex is more important than the frequency. Regular sex can have numerous health benefits, improving immunity and mood. Ultimately, the key is to focus on the quality of the relationship and the emotional connection between partners, rather than measuring sexual activity against societal standards.]
Intervention
Hazy I'm so sorry to bring this up again. Hazy But this cannot go on. Hazy @Roz @Shane Please keep it down. Bood @Roz @Shane Please. Troy Barrett left the chat. Roz What? Shane I'm confused. Hazy WAIT ARE YOU GUYS BOTH TEXTING WHILE FUCKING Dykstra Jesus. Hazy PLEASE STOP Bood I'm done with this. Bood Fools Shane We're not?? I'm getting a toothbrush at the store, Ilya stole mine. Roz I fucking wish Roz Hollander is torturing me Roz he is so mean to his poor husband :( Shane You are so dramatic. Nick Sorry but me and @Dillon heard you guys the other day too. Shane When was this? Nick In Dallas. We were 201, you guys were 203. Roz no no no Shane We got moved to the 3rd floor in Dallas, so that definitely wasn't us. Shane Also we were never 203. We were 205. Roz I WISH Shane Ilya. Roz :( Dykstra Wait WTF Boyle sorry r we rlly brushing past roz using hollys toothbrush?? Dillon Brilliant, so we heard two randoms going at it. Great. Nick Ah Nick Gross Holmy err wait no Holmy I gave in all the keys and we definitely had 203. Holmy and me n D were in 206 Boyle me and lap were in 202 Dillon So? Holmy holy fucking shit Boyle I FUCKING KNEW IT Nick Wait so Haas & Young???? Young 😛🌈 Luca sorry everyone Luca It won't happen again Young � Bood Oh shit Bood Congrats! LaPointe Happy for you both. Shane Wow. Thank you guys for telling us this. Proud of you both. Hazy WHATTTTTTTT Hazy Awwww Hazy So happy for you guys Hazy Also @Roz @Shane sorry for assuming it was you guys. My bad. Dillon Holy shit. Nick Wow, this team is so gay. Dykstra I thought Young had a girlfriend? Nick In a good way!!! Young @Dykstra this is bisexual erasure Young #cancelled Holmy HAHA Dykstra Wait no Dykstra Bro I'm sorry Dykstra Don't cancel me Haas @Young can you be serious for one minute please Young 🫡🫡 Boyle it's ok bro don't give urself a heart attack Boyle lmao Young @Dykstra i was joking dw king Young me and my gf broke up months and months ago Ilya I am so proud of my children Ilya We should celebrate this news da @Shane Shane Are you seriously using Young and Haas coming out to flirt with me????
Ilya Shane please Ilya Come back to the room now Ilya I beg Ilya I give up Ilya I give you anything you want Ilya ANTHING Shane Anything? Ilya Da Ilya Please Shane Give me 2 minutes. Shane I'm buying lube. Ilya THANK YOU GOD Ilya I love you so much Shane Love you too
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